Contents

Introduction

Part 1: Life
1. Brilliant Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – Chapter 3: Common
thinking traps – and how to avoid them (by Dr Stephen Briers)
2. Brilliant NLP – Chapter 4: Think your way to feeling great (by David
Molden and Pat Hutchinson)
3. Brilliant Body Language – Chapter 10: Body language and attraction
(by Max A. Eggert)
4. Brilliant Self Confidence – Chapter 8: Confidence at home and work (by
Mike McClement)
5. Brilliant Memory Training – Chapter 8: Numbers and names (by
Jonathan Hancock)

Part 2: Business
6. Brilliant Answers to Tough Interview Questions – Chapter 9: Your
Achilles’ heel (by Susan Hodgson)
7. Brilliant Negotiations – Chapter 4: Haggling (by Nic Peeling)
 8. Brilliant Presentation – Chapter 10: Giving a brilliant performance (by
Richard Hall)
9. Brilliant Networking – Chapter 15: The art of conversation (by Steven
D’Souza)
10. Brilliant Selling – Chapter 12: Asking the right questions (by Jeremy
Cassell and Tom Bird)
Introduction

Welcome to your exclusive eBook of the best chapters from the Brilliant
series. Whether you’ve bought one of the 1.5 million Brilliant books that
have been sold around the world or not, we’ve included 10 chapters from
10 of our bestselling Brilliant books to give you a little taste of the series,
and hopefully motivate you to read more! By choosing the most inspiring
and useful chapter for you, we hope you’ll learn something new and get one
step closer to being Brilliant on your chosen subject.

Brilliant books are completely designed with you in mind. We start with the
basics and work on giving you what you need to know, exactly when you
need it. Scattered throughout the chapters you’ll find learning features to
help strengthen your knowledge:

Brilliant tips
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Brilliant now has 150 titles available in the business, management,

lifeskills, computing, teaching and study skills areas, so if you need help,
advice or inspiration we’ll have something for all your personal and
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PART 1
LIFE

Our life titles cover all kinds of personal development topics to help you
feel inspired and achieve what you want.

This section includes chapters on cognitive behavioural therapy, neuro-

linguistic programming (NLP), body language, self confidence and memory
training.

So, if you want to:

Learn how to avoid common thinking traps using cognitive

behavioural therapy
Use NLP to think your way to feeling great
Understand the rules of body language and attraction
Improve your confidence at home and work
Find out the secrets to remembering names and numbers

... then read on!

The philosopher Socrates was sitting outside the city gates of Athens when a
man comes up to him. The man says: ‘I am thinking of moving to Athens.
What is it like living here?’ Socrates looks up and asks him: ‘I would gladly
tell you but answer me one question: what is it like where you live now?’ The
man replied: ‘Terrible! The people are back-stabbers and thieves. I will be
leaving no friends behind me – only enemies.’ Socrates frowned and replied,
‘Well, you had best be on your way because you will only find the same thing
here in Athens.’

Later a second man approached who was also considering moving to Athens.
Once again the old philosopher asked him about his experience of his home
town. The man smiled and said, ‘Where I come from the people all work
together and help each other. Kindness is everywhere and you are always
treated with respect.’ ‘Welcome to Athens,’ smiled Socrates, ‘you will find
the same thing here.’

Socrates knew that our mindset determines our experience of the world and
he recognised that both men would carry their habitual attitudes, perceptions
and ways of interacting with them. It was the way they processed information
and biases in their thinking that were likely to dictate the quality of their lives
just as much as the nature of their surroundings.

In order to escape from the mental prisons that we can so easily build for
ourselves, CBT insists that we first need to become more aware of the biases
in our thinking that can keep us trapped and unhappy. In this chapter we shall
examine some of the most common thinking traps and help you become more
aware of the ways in which they can perpetuate our difficulties. You will be
given the opportunity to analyse your own thinking style and learn simple
strategies for avoiding common thinking errors.

Thinking error 1: catastrophising

‘The end of the world is nigh!’
‘I can’t find my purse… Oh no! I must have left it in the supermarket …
Someone is sure to have nicked it… Maybe it was stolen by someone who was
looking over my shoulder when I got the money out of the cash dispenser in
which case they know my PIN number and will probably already have
emptied my bank account or stolen my identity… That means I won’t be able
to pay my bills this month… What if the bank decides to repossess the house?
We’ll be ruined. We’re going to end up out on the street… How could I have
been so stupid?’

We all know people who think like this. Catastrophising is the hallmark of an
anxious person. It combines pessimism (i.e. assuming that in any situation a
bad or distressing outcome is more likely than a good one) with a wildly
exaggerated sense of threat. Things will not only be bad. They will be really
bad.

Unfortunately people who catastrophise find it hard to appraise the

significance of a situation realistically: they can end up becoming just as
distressed by relatively trivial setbacks as a major misfortune. They
constantly project themselves into a doom-laden future and allow their
imaginations to run riot with frightening scenarios.

People who catastrophise seldom take into account any resources they might
have to deal with the worst-case scenario. If this is you ask yourself:

On the scale of all the bad things that have happened in the past or could
happen to you in the future, how bad could this event be?
If I had no choice but to deal with the very worst thing that could
happen in this situation what would I actually do?
Think about how you may have dealt with other past difficulties. What
helped you then?

Thinking error 2: generalisation

‘Things always go wrong for me…’
Human beings are drawn to patterns. We frequently use our experience as a
template for our predictions about the future. However, people who are
inclined to generalise require little evidence in order to deduce laws and
assumptions about the way the world works – and invariably their
observations and deductions are pretty downbeat. A man loses a game of
Scrabble and thinks to himself ‘Typical! I never win at anything.’ A young
girl gets teased at school and concludes, ‘Everyone hates me!’ An elderly
lady reads about a mugging in the local paper and ruefully concludes that ‘No
one is safe these days…’. All of these are examples of generalisation in
which an individual draws some far-reaching, universal conclusion on the
basis of a single unpleasant experience or discrete piece of information.

The language of people prone to generalisation is usually a reliable giveaway.

If you hear yourself using absolute terms like ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘everyone’
and ‘no one’ a lot, then the chances are you may be vulnerable to this type of
thinking.

In order to counter generalisation you need to train yourself to look for

exceptions to your own rules. If you have one friend in the world then it is
not the case that ‘no one’ likes you and it is highly unlikely you have ‘never’
won at anything – even if your distorted thinking probably makes it hard for
you to bring any past victories to mind. The danger with generalisations is
that we tend to screen out anything that does not correspond with our ill-
founded convictions, whereas we eagerly seize upon fresh evidence that
appears to support our negative beliefs about ourselves and others.

Unfortunately, generalisations easily become self-fulfilling prophecies. For

example, someone who believes she is universally unpopular will make little
effort to make herself amenable to other people.

Thinking error 3: mind reading

‘She thinks I am an idiot’
We make assumptions about other people and their intentions all the time. To
some extent this is necessary, and we can reliably infer a great deal from
people’s actions and past behaviour towards us. However, in some
circumstances our imaginations run riot. We leap to conclusions about other
people’s motives and attitudes on the basis of very little hard evidence. We
are especially inclined to do this when those motives and attitudes affect us
directly.
The trouble is that when we make these kinds of assumptions we leave
ourselves open to all kinds of misunderstandings and paranoid projections.
The fact of the matter is that we have no way of knowing for certain what
another person is thinking unless they choose to tell us.

One of the interventions often recommended to CBT clients

prone to mind reading involves consulting other people
regarding their views and perceptions.

A young male client who was sent away with the homework
task of asking his family and friends what they valued about
him made every excuse under the sun to avoid having to
complete the assignment. He would feel self-conscious. He
wouldn’t be able to get hold of some of the relevant people.
He didn’t have the time because of the pressure of his
college work. Before his session the following week I half
expected him to turn up claiming that the dog had eaten his
homework sheets.

Nevertheless, when Paul did arrive for his session we were

both pleasantly surprised by the results. Not only had he
completed the task and interviewed the people as suggested,
but reported that he had been both moved and secretly
delighted by some of the compliments he had been paid.

Paul confessed that he had been terrified of conducting these

enquiries because he had been convinced that even the
people closest to him perceived him as ‘an annoying nerd’.
This wasn’t actually the case, but because of this entrenched
belief Paul had never risked testing out the reality of the
situation. Relying instead on his highly developed ‘mind
reading’ powers, Paul had laboured under an unnecessary
assumption that was eating away at his self-esteem.
Thinking error 4: polarised and rigid thinking
‘It’s black or white…’
‘It’s right or it’s wrong’, ‘You’re a winner or loser’, ‘If it’s not the best then
it’s rubbish…’. People who tend to think all the time in these kind of
dichotomies are likely to create all kinds of problems for themselves
psychologically. The world is just not that simple. Our classifications are
always imperfect, and trying to force reality into convenient boxes seldom
works very well.

Think about weight for example. Polarised thinking would insist that if you
are not thin you must therefore be fat. This ignores the fact that if you lined
the population of London up in a line there would be little agreement on the
point at which the ‘skinny’ people ended and the ‘overweight’ people began.
Obesity is a good example of a continuum concept with a rather arbitrary cut
off. It’s also a cultural construct – a social judgement rather than an objective
truth.

Polarised and rigid thinking often goes hand in hand with strong moral
judgements and self-evaluations that can cause a great deal of unnecessary
distress. You may also have noticed that polarised or dogmatic thinkers
usually spend a great deal of time trying to impose their own classification
system on other people. Their moral absolutism tolerates no dissent – after
all, in their eyes there is only one right way. Unfortunately this kind of
polarised thinking leads to a great many evils in society including racism,
bigotry, sexism and political extremism. Often people who think in rigid
ways put themselves and others under a great deal of unnecessary pressure.

People who think in extremes have few places to go. It is no coincidence that
CBT places so much emphasis on softening the absolutes in our thinking and
encouraging us to think more flexibly. This is not about ditching your values
or becoming an amoral person. It is simply about recognising that people can
see and experience things in different ways, and that more flexible,
sophisticated ways of perceiving are likely to be better for your mental
health.
 Think in terms of sliding scales

People often complain that CBT places an unnecessary

emphasis on percentages, ratings and measurements.
However, recognising that, when it comes to levels of
conviction or the degrees of emotion we feel, we are
always at some point on a sliding scale creates the
possibility of moving up and down in either direction. If
there are only two opposites to choose from, then shifting
from one position to the other often becomes a daunting
task. Moving a few inches in either direction is a much
less intimidating and more realistic prospect.

Here are a few suggestions:

Watch out for terms in your speech and thinking such as ‘should’, ‘ought
to’ and ‘must’ that may indicate the presence of unhelpfully rigid
assumptions about yourself and the world:
– ‘Women should always obey their husbands.’
– ‘I must always put others first.’
– ‘Children should be seen and not heard.’
Try to embrace the grey: recognise that many concepts are better
conceptualised as a sliding scale rather than a choice between stark
alternatives.
Learn to see your values and convictions as a matter of personal choice
rather than obligatory for everyone.
Expose yourself to other views that don’t necessarily fit in with your
own and see if you can find any common ground with those who hold
them.

Thinking error 5: emotional reasoning

‘I feel so guilty… I must have done something awful’
Albert Ellis, the American psychologist and psychotherapist, talked about
‘thought-feeling fusion’ by which he meant that our cognitive and emotional
responses are often two aspects of the same thing. Usually in CBT we are
looking for the negative thoughts that prime distressing emotions, but it is
important to recognise that our feelings can also encourage us along certain
lines of thought. Sometimes our strong feelings can be treated as ‘evidence’
for the truth of our negative thoughts. This is called emotional reasoning and
it can get us into all kinds of trouble.

‘He’s really winding me up!’ This is a common complaint in

my household. What it often means is that one of my children
is feeling stressed and frustrated by the other and therefore
assumes that the other has deliberately behaved in a way to
produce this effect. The reality is that often this is not the
case: the impact of the behaviour is unintentional, but the
level of irritation the ‘victim’ is experiencing makes any other
more innocent explanation seem impossible. We have to take
great care not to let the emotions we feel function as
evidence for the truth of our beliefs.

The following are common examples of emotional reasoning:

I feel attacked ‘Someone must be getting at me…’

I feel guilty ‘I must have done something bad…’
I feel scared ‘Something awful is about to happen.’

The antidote to emotional reasoning is to recognise that our emotions are not
reliable guides when it comes to establishing facts. Often our emotions cloud
our judgement or act as a field of static that make it hard for us to see things
clearly.

Recognise that your emotions are not necessarily accurate guides when
it comes to establishing the truth.
 Set your feelings to one side and consider what hard evidence there may
be that supports your conclusions.
Consider other possible explanations.
Ask yourself: ‘Would someone else be reacting to this situation in the
same way?’

Thinking error 6: blaming

‘It’s all your fault’
On the whole blame is a pretty counterproductive pastime. The task of
dishing out responsibility for what has happened can preoccupy people in a
way that effectively disengages their problem-solving abilities. When the
situation is ‘someone else’s fault’ then there is little call to do anything
further about it, let alone seek to understand the role that one’s own
behaviour, feelings or assumptions might have played in bringing the
problem about. Blame is a dead end cognitively and a sure-fire cue for a
whole host of destructive emotions such as resentment, bitterness, anger and
hatred.

Often blaming others is a defensive manoeuvre for people who are unable to
tolerate the possibility that they might be at fault in some way. By now you
will probably recognise that this fear of being flawed is because of a distorted
sense of how bad it would be to be less than perfect. Scratch the surface of
someone inclined to blame others and you will often unearth dysfunctional
assumptions such as ‘I must be perfect and good at all times or people will
hate me’ (catastrophising) or ‘If I am not perfect then I am useless and
unworthy’ (polarised thinking).

There are some people who err on the other side and have a tendency to make
themselves overly responsible for the bad things that happen to them and
others.

People who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – a condition

in which people attempt to reduce their anxiety by performing rituals like
washing or making unusual mental rules for themselves – are particularly
prone to self-blame. Their sense of how awful it would be if they did cause
harm often appears to convince them that they have or could, even in magical
and implausible ways.

One teenage girl I worked with was convinced that if she did not switch off
her bedroom light in the right way some terrible illness or accident would
befall the people she loved. I knew another woman who was convinced that
germs she might have transferred to a letter were going to make the
recipient’s baby sick. She fretted about this constantly and became so
obsessed with the idea that she was unable to sleep at night.

These kind of examples are extreme, and may seem bizarre to anyone who
does not suffer from OCD. However, we can all demonstrate a tendency to
make ourselves responsible for things that may only partially be within our
control or even completely beyond it. The tell-tale emotion of self-blame is
guilt. When we do cause distress to others guilt is a natural and appropriate
emotion, but if you feel guilty a lot of the time for no very good reason then
this could be an indication that a distorted sense of overdeveloped
responsibility or a very negative set of core beliefs may be controlling your
life.

Thinking error 7: filtering and magnifying

‘You see! It’s just as I thought…’
This is an almost universal thought distortion of which we are all guilty at
times. Filtering, as the name suggests, is when we only attend to information
that fits with our preconceptions and disregard other equally legitimate
information. Magnifying is when we exaggerate the importance or frequency
of events that fit with our current beliefs.

Jane is organising a wedding for her best friend. In the

middle of the reception it becomes apparent that the caterers
have mixed up the orders and sent vol-au-vents rather than
the blinis with salmon and cream cheese that were
requested.
Jane is horrified. As far as she is concerned it just goes to
prove that the job of organising the wedding should have
been entrusted to someone more competent. Today was
supposed to be perfect and now she has let her friend down.
In fact she is sure she caught her looking slightly teary when
she found out.

Of course the friend tried to make her feel better, saying that
it didn’t matter at all, but Jane knew in her heart that the
special day hadn’t gone the way her friend wanted and felt
mortified. She had failed again and it just went to prove that
everything her mother always said about her was right all
along.

It is clear that Jane is a past master at both filtering and

magnifying. She ignores completely the many things that
have gone according to plan on her friend’s big day and
focuses entirely on the one minor detail that didn’t.

The reason she does so is because she is unconsciously

looking for evidence to support her core belief, ‘I am no
good’, and in order to do so she has to screen out the
abundant evidence of her success as a wedding planner,
concentrating exclusively on her one ‘failure’ – even though
the mix-up was not even her fault.

She works hard to inflate both the significance of the wrong

canapés and the bride’s reaction: note that Jane does not
ascribe her friend’s possible tearfulness to the joy of the
whole occasion or any other cause. She also has to convince
herself that her friend’s reassurance is based entirely on an
altruistic desire to make Jane feel better, not that she
genuinely might not care about the vol-au-vent switch. Jane
also superimposes her own assumption that the day has to
be ‘perfect’ in order to make the mistake all the more terrible.
No wonder she is distraught.
To prevent yourself going down the same road:

Try to see the whole picture – take into account all the facts, even if they
don’t seem to fit with your expectations.
See whether you can build a case for the opposite of what you currently
believe: in our example that the wedding was a runaway success and
that Jane did an exceptional job.
Check that you are not blowing certain elements out of proportion. Did
other people react in the same way as you did?

Thinking error 8: emotive language

Words are powerful things, and certain words have an emotional resonance
that can colour our thinking – often in unhelpful ways. We can describe
events to ourselves in terms that can either inflame our reactions or calm
them down.

If I tell myself, ‘That man despises everything I stand for,’ rather than, ‘We
don’t always see eye to eye’ I will instantly feel on the defensive next time
we meet. If I say to myself that a situation was ‘utterly humiliating’ as
opposed to ‘briefly uncomfortable’ I will be making strenuous efforts to
avoid similar situations in future – even if such protective manoeuvres are
entirely unnecessary. My language has effectively raised the stakes.

Emotive language is one of the main reasons why people end up convincing
themselves that they will be unable to tolerate situations that they have
perfectly adequate resources to cope with:

‘It would be the worst thing if people laughed at my performance. I

would look like such an idiot’.
‘I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to her.’
‘It would be simply awful to end up alone… .’

Be careful that when you describe past or future events to yourself you do not
prejudice yourself: this is counterproductive. It is very hard to think
objectively about a scenario that has already been given a strong emotional
inflection and it is often our language that colours our perceptions and feeds
our anxieties and low moods.
 When thinking or talking about emotionally inflammatory scenarios
check your vocabulary and make sure you are not throwing fuel on the
fire of your negative thoughts.
Strive to achieve the most neutral, objective tone that you can.
When recalling distressing events imagine that you are writing a bulletin
for a news broadcast that requires you to assume a detached, objective
perspective.

How brilliant are you at spotting thinking errors?

The following quiz is designed to see whether you can use
your knowledge to identify which common thinking errors
are being committed in these examples. Remember, you
are looking for cases of the following:

catastrophising
polarised ‘black and white’ thinking
rigid thinking
excessive self-blame
unrealistic blame of others
filtering
magnifying
mind reading
emotive language.

Be aware that some of these thinking errors are not

mutually exclusive and you may find more than one in the
same example.

Also, as you run through the list try to speculate about the
emotions that might be associated with the type of
thoughts and behaviours described. (The answers are on
page 57.)
1. A man is invited to a party to celebrate a colleague’s
recent promotion. He crumples the invite and chucks it in
the bin. He thinks: ‘Joel must be feeling pretty pleased
with himself now that all his scheming has paid off. Ever
since he arrived he has been making trouble and trying to
edge me out. Look at the way he struck up that friendship
with the supervisor – what a reptile! I can still hear the
sarcasm dripping from his voice when he said how
“sorry” he was that I didn’t get enough recognition for the
Johnson deal. I bet he has been spreading all kinds of lies
and rumours about me. Of course this means I will
probably never get promoted and I will spend the rest of
my life pushing paper in this bloody dead-end job.’

2. I wake up and feel a bit off colour. My immediate thoughts

run as follows: ‘Not good… not good. I haven’t felt okay
for a few days now – perhaps there’s something seriously
wrong with me… Come to think of it my legs feel really
heavy and my hand was shaking the other day when I was
reading that tax bill. I know Jill thinks it’s just because I
have been working really late and I’m a bit run down but
what if it’s multiple sclerosis? I know that someone on my
mother’s side had MS. Oh God! Now I can feel these weird
tingling sensations in my fingers. What’s happening to
me?’

3. ‘There’s just no excuse for behaviour like that… The way

she spoke to you was simply unforgivable. We have
always had Christmas at your mother’s. It’s a family
tradition. What was she thinking? Young people are all
the same: no respect for their elders.’

4. ‘If she says no I know I just won’t be able to cope. I would

be so embarrassed. I’m going to make a fool of myself
and it will all be for nothing. Why would she want to go to
the dance with me anyway? I am sure she would much
rather go with Kieran… She probably only said she liked
me because she felt sorry for me.’
 5. ‘Everything’s ruined. I’ve just made a complete mess of
things. I just played one wrong note after another and I
know I cocked up the rhythm in that middle section
completely. They all expected me to get a distinction and I
barely managed to scrape a merit. They are going to be so
disappointed in me. Maybe I should give up the piano
altogether. What’s the point in struggling on when I
obviously don’t have any talent for it?’

Homework: getting personal

Over the next week keep a record of your upsetting
thoughts. Carry a notebook with you and write them down
as soon as you can, using the same phrasing and images
that run through your mind at the time.

Once you have collected a good sized sample of your

thinking go carefully through your log and see whether
you can find evidence of the kind of thinking errors
described in this chapter. Once you become aware of the
cognitive habits that may be strengthening your negative
thought patterns it becomes much easier to start breaking
them.

Answers: 1) mind reading, filtering, emotive language, blaming, magnifying,

catastrophising; 2) magnifying, filtering, catastrophising and emotive
language 3) generalisation, polarised thinking, rigid thinking, emotive
language; 4) emotive language, catastrophising; 5) emotive language,
generalisation, polarised thinking, filtering, magnifying, mind-reading.
Your mind will represent your thinking in pictures, sounds and feelings and
sometimes even smells and tastes. The quality and detail of your
representations will vary according to whether your thoughts are positive or
negative. Knowing how you represent your thoughts, of which values,
metaprogrammes and beliefs are a part, will help you make the changes you
want in areas where you would like to improve your results.

When you feel anxious, uncertain, confused, angry or frustrated, you

become tense and stressed. Being in that state prevents you from accessing
all your wonderful inner resources. Whatever situation you are in, if you are
feeling any of these, it is unlikely that you are performing to your full
potential. Think of a time recently when you were feeling stressed and
recall what was on your mind. Your thoughts were responsible for creating
your feelings. Every thought you have results in a feeling, so the way to
control your feelings is to control your thoughts.

Test this out. Sit quietly and think of a situation where you did something
that you didn’t feel so good about. Notice what feelings come up. Now take
a deep breath and think about a situation where you did something that you
felt really good about and, again, notice the feelings that come up.

You have just used your imagination to recall two experiences that resulted
in very different feelings. You can use the connection between your
imagination and your feelings to put you in control and enable you to
choose the way you feel. Your feelings have a direct impact on your
capability, regardless of the situation.

It’s the first thought that counts

Everything begins with a thought and that thought will attract similar ones
until you have a cluster of thoughts. That cluster becomes a pattern of
thinking, which forms a habit. The habit will then be applied to many
different scenarios. Scientists believe that the conscious mind is able to
cope with only about seven pieces of information at any one time and can
become overloaded very quickly. This means that if you fill your conscious
mind with negative thought patterns that create negative feelings, you have
no room for anything else. By taking control, you are exercising more
choice over your conscious thinking and, the more you do this, the more
you will build a reserve of unconscious patterns that work effectively for
you.

The first step in taking control is to be aware of how thoughts are generated.
When you think, you have an internal selection process. If you were to
absorb everything happening around you, your brain would become
overloaded, so you select what you consider to be important and ignore the
rest. For example, think about a conversation you had recently or a
television programme you watched – how much of it do you remember?
Chances are, you will be able to summarise the event and expand on the
aspects of most interest to you, but you won’t be able to recall every word.
Your internal selection process has chosen what it wants to retain as a
combination of images and sounds with the feelings you had at the time.
Added to this will be some internal dialogue – in other words, what you
have said to yourself about the situation.

This is how you represent your unique version of reality – in pictures,

sounds, internal dialogue and feelings, as well as, sometimes, smell and
taste. You capture your personal understanding of reality via a combination
of your external senses and inner thoughts and it is this captured version
that you use to make decisions and form judgements. This unique
perspective of events is called your ‘internal representation’ or ‘map of
reality’.

Let’s take a look at these components of your internal representation,

beginning with the visual sense.

Working with your visual imagery

Bring to mind a pleasant memory and spend a few moments enjoying it.
Capture the imagery, then come back to this page when you are ready.

Describe the image you created. Was it clear? Was it in colour? Did it have
a frame around it or did the edges fade away? Did it have depth? Was there
any movement? Was it bright or dark and murky? How about the contrast
and detail? How close was this image to you and did you project it above or
below the horizon? Could you see yourself in the image or was the image
all around you?

Just as you can look at the visual details of a photograph or film, you can
look at the details of the images that make up your thoughts. Those details
refer to the qualities of the image, but not the image itself. The ability to
imagine and change those qualities is unlimited. The number of different
qualities you can work with in your mental imagery will be determined by
the amount of practice you have had at doing so. Just as you intentionally
imagined a pleasant experience, the very same process happens hundreds, if
not thousands, of times each day to represent each thought you are having.
Sometimes you may not be aware of your mental imagery, but it is there
nonetheless and you can use it to good effect.

Harriet was having difficulty leaving her work behind at the

end of the day. She was becoming more and more stressed
as the pile just didn’t seem to go down.

During coaching, we acknowledged that Harriet was very

fond of pretty things. We asked her to visualise herself at
the end of the day wrapping the outstanding work up in
pretty coloured paper, tying a coloured bow around it and
leaving it there until the next morning when she could
unwrap it and continue with her work.

Harriet became much more relaxed about her work after that
and her productivity increased.

Let’s play around with your visual imagery a little and see how easy it is to
change, or reprogramme, your thoughts and feelings.

Zap away bad feelings

It is quite easy to eliminate bad feelings for any situation in which you
would like to feel more in control or be more confident.

Perhaps the thought of facing a difficult situation with someone is causing

you to feel frustrated, tense or low in confidence. At times like these, when
you are emotionally stressed, you consume a great deal of energy making
yourself feel bad. Even though you don’t enjoy feeling bad, it may be
something over which you have had no control in the past. When you are
feeling this way, you have entered the realm of ‘self-preservation’. As a
result, your ability to think rationally and make sound decisions is impaired.
The goal then becomes one of survival, saving face, winning or seeking
recognition. You only have to feel that way once or twice before a habit, or
programme, is formed and then you have set a pattern for thinking yourself
into bad feelings.

Eliminate the bad feelings by using the following technique:

Zapping away bad feelings

Bring to mind a specific time when you were unhappy
with the way you felt or behaved.

Now focus on the image that comes to mind as you first

access the memory. Quickly send it zooming away into
the distance. As it goes, notice that it gets smaller and
smaller until it disappears completely. It’s just like the
starship Enterprise whizzing off at warp factor 10 into
deep space and, in a fraction of a second, disappearing
completely from view.

You can do the same thing with all your images of

unpleasant experiences – just zap them off into deep
space. As you do, notice how much better you feel.
 John had an away from pattern that was causing him a great
deal of stress as he predicted all the awful things that might
happen to him. He had plenty of time to dwell on his
thoughts when walking his dog in the mornings. As he did
so, his head would go down into the internal dialogue
position as he told himself how awful things were.

During coaching, we suggested that, while out dog-walking,

he might keep his head up and notice the scenery around
him, visualising all the good things that had happened the
day before.

Now exercise your ability to choose something different using the following
technique.

Choosing to respond differently

As soon as you have zapped away the negative image
using the technique described above, bring to mind a
memory with positive feelings attached to it. It might be
an experience where you were very confident or highly
motivated to achieve a positive result.

Now work on the image. Make sure that it is colourful,

big and bright.

When you have intensified those qualities, bring the

image closer and imagine stepping into it. Take a few
moments to absorb and enjoy the positive feelings
generated by the effect.

Working with your internal audio

As well as making pictures in your mind, you can replay conversations with
other people, environmental sounds and music. Do you sometimes replay
conversations or anticipate a future event and actually hear what people said
or might say? Your internal audio may or may not be accompanied by
images.

What about your internal dialogue? What do you find yourself saying over
and over in your mind?

Your internal voice is very powerful and has a direct influence on how you
feel at any particular moment in time. A large part of how you feel is
reflected in the tone of your voice – both your spoken words and those you
say to yourself.

Here’s something to think about. If you were to record all your internal
dialogue for one day and then play it back, would it motivate you?

You can explore and change the qualities of your internal audio in much the
same way that you changed your mental imagery above. Use the following
technique to change the way you feel when you think about a future event.
It can be used in all kinds of situations when you want to feel a certain way.
How do you want to feel when you wake up in the morning, when you get
to work on Monday, when your partner does something that annoys you?
How many different voices can you create for yourself?

Use your inner voice to change the way you feel

Think about an upcoming event that is important to you
and decide how you want to feel at that time. Now
choose an actor or someone you know well who has the
tone of voice that you want to have at the event.

Imagine that the event is just about to start and have a

conversation with yourself in the tone of voice you have
chosen. For example, you may want to feel confident and
determined to get a result. Choose the voice of one of
your heroes, saying, ‘This is an important day for me. I
will be asking some tough questions and expecting clear
 answers. I will be positive, focused and determined to
get a result we can act on.’ Now say it again and turn up
the volume. Adjust the tone and pace until you begin to
feel confident and determined.

You can also turn the volume down when your internal
dialogue gets carried away with itself. When you keep
repeating negative dialogue over and over, telling
yourself what a mess you made of this or that or
churning over a work problem when you are trying to
sleep, simply turn the volume down and notice the words
fading away into the distance until they have gone
completely. You can also change negative voices into
humorous voices, such as Bart Simpson or Mickey
Mouse. Notice how easily the negative feelings
disappear when you do that.

When you realise that you have control over your inner voice and
associated sounds, you can walk around with a symphony orchestra in your
head and a host of film stars and cartoons at the ready, should you require
their services. Have fun!

Feeling fantastic
The feelings you have during a day are the result of how you have chosen to
associate with your experiences. This is the emotional domain. The word
used to describe those feelings is ‘kinaesthetic’.

Your feelings are generated by imagined events as well as real experiences.

If you have an argument with a partner or a disagreement with a shop
assistant, the feelings you experience will be part of a learned pattern of
reacting to those circumstances. A memory consists of visual, auditory and
kinaesthetic elements, sometimes including smells and tastes as well.
Feelings result from thinking in a particular way. For example, a feeling of
apprehension may be the result of creating dark, murky images and internal
dialogue that is warning you to be on the alert for an awkward or difficult
situation. Imagine how this contrasts with the feelings of another person in
the same situation who is creating bright, clear images with internal
dialogue that is full of excitement.

You have the capacity for a wide range of feelings – from excited highs to
heavy lows and, at worst, depression. There are many techniques to help
you feel the way you want to feel. Some of them help you to change the
feelings you have attached to negative memories, while others give you a
way to create any feeling you want at any time.

Use your best experiences to feel great

The way we attach feelings to our thoughts is very haphazard. We allow
people and circumstances to influence the way we feel. Once a thought has
a feeling attached, it becomes well and truly anchored. Each time we recall
that thought, the exact same feeling will surface. For example, when you
look at a photograph taken on a great holiday, the feelings you had at the
time return. When you answer the phone and hear the voice of someone you
had a negative experience with, you feel the same way as when that
experience happened.

Anchored feelings become embedded in your memory very easily. A classic

anchor is when you have a bad encounter with a sales assistant and decide
never to visit that shop again. Whenever someone mentions the shop’s
name, you relive the feelings you had at the time of your encounter, even
though it may have taken place a long time ago.

The process of anchoring feelings to thoughts is an automatic feature of the

unconscious mind. The result is called a ‘state’. It is not just a state of mind
but also a state of mind and body, as the way you think and feel causes the
body to become either relaxed or tense.

Now, what if you could use this process to create great feelings, or states,
whenever you wanted them? In other words, exercise choice over the
feelings you anchor and the states you create. What if you could produce
feelings of being courageous, confident, calm, decisive, optimistic,
attentive, playful, empathetic, curious or focused? What if you could create
a positive state for learning and being open-minded; for leadership,
motherhood, fatherhood; for being dynamic or having abundant energy; for
love, sensitivity? Well, you can with the following very simple technique.

Louise had to present to the board of directors on a regular

basis. The more she did it, the more nervous she became.

On one particular day, she was excited that she was going
to present her new idea, which would save the company a
great deal of money. She was also anxious about blowing it
and really wanted to get the board to listen to her idea.

We helped Louise to access a confident state she knew well

from another situation and anchor this state to the
boardroom door handle. As soon as she touched the
handle, the confident state emerged and she was able to
give her presentation.

Anchoring resourceful states

Decide which positive state you would like to anchor.
Choose one from the list on the previous page – or you
may have some other specific state in mind. For the
purpose of this exercise, we will call it ‘state X’. Read
through the exercise and commit it to memory – you will
need to keep your attention focused internally
throughout the process, so you will not want to be
checking the book for what to do next.

Preparing for the exercise

You are going to attach a state to a trigger point

somewhere on your body, such as pinching your ear or
squeezing your thumb. Choose something that you are
unlikely to do accidentally and can repeat with precision.

The procedure

1. Recall a time when you had a strong feeling of having

state X and keep thinking about that memory. Choose
any context you like, as long as the feeling of state X is
very strong. If you can’t think of one, then put yourself
into an imaginary situation where you are in a high level
of state X. Pay attention to the qualities of your image
and any sounds. You are going to use your internal
representation to intensify the feeling of state X. It may
help to close your eyes as you do the exercise.

2. Project the image in front of you above the horizon level.

Make sure you are looking at yourself in the image.

3. Put a frame around the image. Make it colourful and

bright with a high level of contrast. If sound is involved,
adjust an imaginary graphic equaliser so that it is across
the full range of treble, middle and bass. Make it
surround sound.

4. Intensify the colour, brightness, contrast and sound.

5. Slowly bring the image closer to you and notice how the
frame eventually disappears until the image is so close
it has enveloped you and is all around you. As the
feeling of state X approaches the peak of its intensity,
set your anchor by gently squeezing your thumb (or
pinching your ear or whichever anchor you have
chosen). Release the anchor as soon as the sensation
begins to diminish.
 6. Now take a couple of deep breaths to change your state.
Wait a few moments and then trigger or fire your anchor.
Enjoy the intensity of feeling state X. Fire it a few more
times to get used to it and strengthen it. Make sure that
you break your state by breathing deeply between each
firing. Now you can use this anchor any time you want
to have the feelings associated with state X.

You can test the anchor by future pacing. Think about a

situation in the future where you will want state X. As
you run through the scenario in your mind, fire your
anchor. The key to successful anchoring is the intensity
of feeling, the timing of setting the anchor and the
precision with which you set and fire the anchor.

Just as you can create a positive anchor, you can eliminate negative
anchors. For example, you may have had a negative experience with
someone when you did not cope well. You may have had bad experiences at
work that are still causing you to lose confidence or become frustrated.
Your reactions in those situations create a negative state that makes your
inner resources inaccessible. Even though the incident might have happened
some time ago, you still carry the feelings associated with it and behave
accordingly. Your behaviour reinforces your state and forms a strong habit,
such that, every time you find yourself in a similar situation, the limiting
behaviour is triggered.

The following technique uses space and physical location to relieve those
negative and stressful feelings. You needn’t keep such bad feelings in your
memory – you can collapse them and, if you wish, replace them with
positive feelings.

Phil realised, with coaching, that he had deliberately been

perpetuating a negative relationship with Sarah, his
colleague. Whenever they met, he would be in a negative,
defensive state, which Sarah would pick up on. They would
argue and part feeling bad.

Using the collapsing anchors technique, below, Phil was

able to establish a new way of approaching Sarah to rebuild
the relationship.

Collapsing anchors
1. Mark two spaces on the floor about 2 metres (6 feet)
apart.

2. Label one space with a minus sign, the other with a plus
sign.

3. Stand on the minus sign and bring an unpleasant

memory into your mind. Talk about the event for a
minute or so and check how you feel as you recall the
experience.

4. Take a couple of deep breaths and walk briskly over to

the plus sign space, bringing a pleasant memory into
 your mind and make this more intense than the negative
feeling. Talk about this experience for a minute or so,
paying attention to the images and sounds you use to
recall the events. Intensify the qualities of colour, size,
clarity, brightness and volume, then bring the image
close to you. Bring the image closer and closer and
notice how your feelings intensify. Hold this feeling for a
few moments and then relax.

5. Staying on the plus sign, talk again about the earlier

unpleasant experience and notice how the negative
feelings you had before have disappeared. You have
collapsed the negative anchor.

Anchors in your environment

Anchors are all around you, causing you to feel a wide range of emotions –
happy, sad, frightened, jubilant, angry or even nauseous. You may even be
an anchor for someone else, causing them to respond towards you in a way
that you may find confusing. Such responses can be either within your
awareness, in which case you can connect precisely with the incident or
circumstances that produced the feelings, or out of your awareness, in
which case you can connect with the uncomfortable feelings but not the
memories of the incident or circumstances that caused them. Here are some
examples.

Meetings at work often highlight opposing viewpoints and sometimes

emotions can run high. If not carefully managed, people can leave feeling
negative and inadvertently anchor that state to any follow-up meetings on
the same topic. This can have a number of outcomes.

As the sales director of a large company, Joe had been

attending the same meeting on a regular basis, 40 miles
from his home, for 2 years. The meeting always had the
 same format and people had adopted their own ways of
dealing with the negativity that had grown over the years.

The meeting consisted of a series of reports from various

sectors of the business. When he first started to attend the
meeting, Joe had put forward an idea as a result of a
presentation by the HR director, but his idea had been
ignored. That caused Joe to feel that, if he were to offer
ideas in the future, the same thing would probably happen.
Because of that, the very thought of attending the meeting
put him into a negative state. He never offered an idea again
and, when others were speaking, Joe would be checking his
e-mails on his mobile.

You could say that by checking his e-mails Joe was making the best use of
his time in the meeting, if what he believed was really true. No one ever
challenged him – they just accepted that was what Joe did in meetings, in
the same way that Mary, the operations director, brought her production
analysis sheets and worked on them until it was her time to present.

If no one was listening, what was the point of the presentations? Each
director might just as well have produced a report and sent it round to their
colleagues to read in their own time. The amount of high-level management
time that was being wasted due to a set of anchors which had become
engrained in the culture was extraordinary.

You need to prevent such anchors from taking root if high levels of
productivity are to be maintained. Some simple steps would be to ensure
that very clear outcomes for each attendee as well as for the items on the
agenda are established, so individuals can make an assessment of the value
of them attending the meeting. As far as possible, breaking routines, such as
where people sit, the venue, length and format of the meeting, also helps to
break negative anchors and keep proceedings fresh.
 Chris was being coached. Following a number of personal
relationship failures, he felt that he needed some help to
restore his self-belief.

Things were going great until one day he arrived at the

coach’s house and tarmac was being laid outside in the
driveway. The smell of the tarmac took Chris right back to a
really nasty experience. The coach used the collapsing
anchors technique to help Chris to regain his equilibrium.

Here are some everyday anchors that can evoke different states in people:

music – a happy or sad song playing in the car, in the supermarket or

on the television
the smell of coffee, freshly baked bread, garlic or any other food
the smell of vomit, hospitals, disinfectant, dog excrement
the scent of perfume and aftershave
a crucifix or any other religious sign – such signs can be strongly
anchored in belief and evoke strong reactions in some people
images of places, things and people
negative notices in the working environment, such as ‘do not move the
furniture’, ‘keep out’, and so on.

Advertisers know full well the power of anchoring – hence the use of music
in shops to create a certain atmosphere, aromas to entice people into coffee
shops and restaurants and the suggestion of wonderful relationships
resulting from the scent of a particular aftershave in television advertising.

Once you are aware of what you are anchored to in your environment you
can choose to change your responses. Take some time to notice things and
people around you that trigger specific responses in you. If you enjoy a
particular response and it is getting positive results for you, then use the
anchoring technique mentioned earlier in this chapter to make it even more
powerful. If not, then use the collapsing anchors technique to rid yourself of
it.
You and others around you will slowly notice a change in you as you take
control of your behaviour in response to triggers that may in the past have
produced a negative response. Being aware of the anchors that trigger your
responses, being able to change them and having the techniques to create
brilliant new anchors gives you more control over your emotional states,
your relationships and your life.

Fixing your phobias

Phobias are exaggerated anchored responses to everyday situations. They
can cause muscle tension, hyperventilation, perspiration and dizziness.
When a phobic response is being experienced, your internal dialogue and
imagery will be predicting dire consequences. Phobias are irrational fears –
as opposed to the rational fears caused by things that actually happen, such
as the house being on fire. Because phobias are irrational, they are
relatively easy to overcome.

NLP is very effective at fixing all kinds of phobias, including fear of

bridges, confined spaces, open spaces, flying, lifts, spiders, bees, birds,
frogs and snakes. This even extends to phobias about wet hair in the shower
plughole, or oranges and bananas.

In our experience, many people try to hide their phobias and avoid
situations where they may have to face their fear. That is because they
perceive their problem as being ridiculous and try to avoid the
embarrassment caused by their reaction. At a deep level, this can have an
adverse effect on self-esteem, as a phobia is often thought of as a weakness.

Underlying any phobia is a belief about what will happen in the situation
causing the phobia. For example, when Paul was a teenager, he choked on
an orange. Over time, he unconsciously anchored a negative response to
that experience. Eventually, this became a phobic reaction to oranges, to
such an extent that he had to leave the room whenever someone began to
peel an orange. He believed that if he ate an orange he would choke.

The test for whether a person has a phobia or not – as opposed to being
merely very concerned – is that he or she will react very physically to even
the thought of the fear. Because it is the thought that produces the reaction,
it can be eliminated without having to relive the experience.

If a phobia is affecting your enjoyment of life and/or your self-esteem, use

the following technique – it has a very high success rate. We suggest that
you familiarise yourself with the procedure before using it. This will enable
you to complete the exercise without the distraction of referring to the
notes.

During one of our programmes, Colin, a delegate, moved

the curtains to shade us from the sun. As he did so, a large
spider ran out and Colin virtually flew across the room and
out of the door. Another delegate removed the spider and
Colin returned to his seat, highly embarrassed. He
explained the strength of his phobia and we suggested that,
if he would like to deal with it, we could do so very quickly.

After a 10-minute phobia fix, Colin asked if he could go and

find a spider. We found one in the conservatory and he was
quite happy to stand and look at it from a distance of 6 cm
(2½ inches).

Fast phobia fix

We are going to ask you to do a few things very quickly
in your mind so that your phobia will never bother you
again.

1. Imagine that you are sitting in a cinema and, on the

screen, there is a black and white still picture in which
you see yourself just before your last experience of
having the phobic response.
 2. Now imagine that you are floating out of your body and
up to the projection room, where you can see yourself
sitting in the cinema. You can also see yourself in the
still picture on the screen.

3. Turn the snapshot on the screen into a black and white

film and watch it until just after the unpleasant phobic
experience. When you get to the end, stop it as a still.
Now jump inside the picture and run it backwards in
colour. Everything in the film will happen in reverse –
people walking backwards, talking backwards and the
scenery moving backwards.

4. This completes the exercise. Take a few deep breaths

and test the results by thinking about what it was that
you used to be phobic about.

Reframing
The exercises in this chapter will have helped you to work with the
emotions attached to your thinking and given you access to your inner
resources. There may be times when the way you are thinking is creating a
barrier. You can change your perspective completely by reframing this kind
of thinking in a number of ways. In the same way that placing a new frame
around a picture can give it a whole new appearance, placing a new frame
around your thoughts can give you a very different perspective.

Frank was ‘at his wits’ end’ (his words) regarding trying to
get his youngest son, Timmy, to keep the house tidy. The
relationship became increasingly strained as Frank
continued to lay down the law. He often raised his voice and
Timmy responded by retreating into silence and making
himself scarce. The situation became progressively worse
 and Timmy’s performance at school suffered. Frank
explained that he was lost for a way to help Timmy ‘get his
act together’. Timmy was getting a hard time from his dad
and his falling marks at school were a direct result of stress.

We offered Frank the following reframe:

‘It appears that you have been pushing Timmy to meet a

certain standard of tidiness, which is causing him a good
deal of stress and creating distance between you. His
untidiness may, in fact, be a phase that kids of his age go
through and a sign that he’s behaving normally. By letting
him be a normal teenager, you might find that Timmy is not
so stressed and is better able to focus on his schoolwork.’

In short, Frank was offered a reframe that moved him from

thinking ‘my boy is untidy’ to ‘my boy is untidy, which is
normal behaviour for any teenager’. It helped Frank to
realise that his behaviour towards Timmy had caused the
breakdown in the relationship between them. He
immediately stopped hounding him about being untidy and
started to help him more with his schoolwork.

This type of reframe changes the meaning of the situation. Another type of
reframe shifts the meaning between contexts. For example, a person who
may be highly critical of other people’s ideas might be perceived by his
team as being difficult or negative. The presence of a critic on the team can
be very useful, however, when evaluating ideas resulting from a creative
brainstorm. It’s not that the behaviour of the critic is a problem, it’s more a
case of knowing how best to use that particular skill. This type of reframe
puts the behaviour in a positive frame in another context.

A common cause of frustration in couples is demonstrated in the next

example.
 Fiona likes to be on time and is obsessive about dates,
times, schedules and lists. Mike, Fiona’s partner, is the
exact opposite, preferring to take a more relaxed and laid-
back approach to life. Mike was feeling torn, wanting to
please Fiona while at the same time being unable to
rationalise the pressure she was putting him under.

After some coaching, Mike realised that Fiona’s ability as an

organiser was useful in many ways, including remembering
family birthdays, shopping, planning holidays and generally
running the family very effectively. Having reframed his
thinking in this way, the pressure eased. It was attached to
the way he had been thinking, not to the circumstances.

Don’t think that, think this!

Any reframe is simply saying, ‘Don’t think of it that way, think of it this
way’, ‘It’s not that, it’s this!’ You can apply simple reframes to all kinds of
situations that are not working out as you would like.

A problem can only exist in your mind – outside your mind there are only
sets of circumstances. That you call a circumstance a problem is indicative
of your way of thinking. One person’s problem is another’s source of
motivation. So, it really matters how you think about any situation you find
yourself in because it has consequences.

The words ‘this’ and ‘that’ are used many times during the course of a day,
but, when used with tasks and people – for example ‘that task’ or ‘this
person’ – they indicate whether the speaker is associated with or dissociated
from what he or she is referring to. Where there is a positive intention
towards a task/person, there is likely to be a positive mindset around it – it’s
a this. When there is no positive intention towards it, there is likely to be a
negative mindset around it – it’s a that.
Being dissociated from something is a source of procrastination. If you
could choose not to get involved, then there would be no issue, but, when
you have to get involved because it’s your job to do so, then you are forced
to associate, which is when negative feelings can take hold of your
thinking. In situations of forced association, it is useful to reframe your
thinking and turn that into this with a positive intention.

There are four key principles involved:

1. You can be either associated (this) or dissociated (that) with tasks and
people. When you are associated in a positive way, you are
emotionally connected and likely to achieve better results than when
you have put distance between yourself and the task or person, thus
becoming dissociated. Poor performance results from ‘forced
association’ with a that – when you perform a that task without a clear
positive intention, you are forcing yourself to associate with it and so
the emotional connection is likely to be negative. That is a recipe for
poor performance.
2. Having a conscious positive intention prepares the way for success –
all your intentions are positive for you, even though it may not appear
that way to other people. Your unconscious mind may be telling you
not to go ahead with an unpleasant task because its positive intention is
to keep you feeling good. Having a clear positive intention and looking
for the good in the task allows you to take control of your success. Just
as a clear positive intention clears the way for success, so not having
one causes you to struggle. Your unconscious intention will be to feel
better and look for ways that mean you don’t have to undertake an
unpleasant task or meet someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
In doing so, you cause yourself stress and discomfort.
3. When you exaggerate the absurdity of the way you are thinking about
a situation, you prepare the ground for change. You can find absurdity
in almost anything and use it to create change. An example
demonstrating this follows in the next section.
4. Changing that to this is primarily a matter of focusing on what is good
and having a positive intention. The concept of yin and yang
demonstrates that, to achieve balance and flow in life, everything must
contain an element of its opposite. Hot will contain elements of cold,
 good will contain elements of bad and vice versa. So, every that must
contain an element of this. Unfortunately, while you are focusing on
that you are oblivious to the this, which is undoubtedly present. Your
results will be more successful if you choose to stay focused on this
and allow it to develop and grow.

There can be any number of reasons behind you considering something or

someone as a that. Examples of that could be:

activities you don’t enjoy and don’t look forward to

work that you don’t feel fully competent to complete to a satisfactory
standard
someone or something you have negative beliefs about
activities that conflict with a personal value
someone you find difficult or frustrating to be with.

Using absurdity to create a change in thinking

You can find absurdity in just about anything. Consider the statement, ‘I
have to have dinner on the table by 6 p.m. every day.’ It implies that all the
family members will be hungry and ready to eat at exactly the same time
every day. The likelihood of that being the case is remote and, therefore, the
statement is absurd.

This technique takes the absurdity in your thinking and exaggerates it. In
doing so, your situation becomes so ridiculous that you will want to change
your view and reframe it because it is too painful to continue thinking in the
old way.

Peter was a project manager who was a real stickler for

detail and procedure. He had been given responsibility for a
major project involving Simon. Simon became more and
more anxious whenever he thought about the project.

Peter and Simon had clashed from the outset. Simon didn’t
know how to deal with Peter when he insisted on
 introducing details that Simon believed were unnecessary
at the meetings. This began to affect his ability to contribute
rationally. He would sneer and make derogatory comments
about Peter’s style of management in front of the project
team. When questioned about the situation, Simon replied,
‘He needs to learn a lesson if he’s going to get on – I’ll teach
him, don’t you worry.’

Simon was offered the following reframe:

‘So, Simon, it seems you want to go on feeling bad about

this relationship, don’t you? You are going to continue to
snipe at Peter and have everyone else laugh and snigger at
you behind your back. You don’t even mind that they
perceive you as behaving like a child. The project will suffer
and your emotional energy will be tied up in creating
negative feelings towards Peter, so you will have very little
left for creativity in relation to the project. You won’t mind
that, though, because teaching Peter a lesson is so much
more important to you than building good relationships and
getting the project completed successfully. Your
antagonistic behaviour will serve you well when you find
yourself not being invited on to the team for future projects.
You may even find yourself without a role at all and that’s
OK because the most important thing here is to make Peter
look silly, isn’t it?’

This technique may appear a little harsh, but, with the right person, it could
be the most effective tool to use. In this case, Simon is the type to allow his
ego to get in the way, so the technique had to be stronger than his
overinflated ego. What Simon received was a reframe that moved him from
thinking ‘Peter needs to be taught a lesson’ to ‘My career is more important
than the way I feel about Peter’. This caused sufficient pain to Simon’s ego
for him to let go of the need to teach Peter a lesson and instead make
positive adjustments to his own thinking and behaviour.
Focus on a positive intention
The absurdity technique may do the trick for some people (we hope you
tried it out on your own situation with state X), but sometimes you may
need a little more positive encouragement. However negatively you view a
situation or a person, there is always some good to be found.

Michelle was having a problem with her flatmate, who

seemed to be interfering in her life. She took it to mean that
her flatmate didn’t trust her to make her own decisions
about boyfriends. Michelle began to mistrust her own
judgement and became withdrawn, refusing invitations to
nights out.

When questioned, she said that her flatmate didn’t want her
to have a good time and was jealous of her boyfriends. This
frame of thinking caused a deep rift in the friendship.

Michelle was offered the following reframe:

‘Michelle, could it be that your flatmate cares about you and

doesn’t want to see you get hurt? Maybe she has had a
painful relationship and doesn’t want you to experience the
same pain. Perhaps focusing on the perceived jealousy is
keeping you from noticing ways in which she really does
care. However it may seem to you, the reality could be very
different. If she does care for you, what is it she does that
will tell you this?’

Michelle decided to look for evidence that her flatmate really did care about
her well-being. She discovered lots of small things she did for her that had
previously gone unnoticed. The relationship improved and they healed the
rift. The point at which this situation turned around was when Michelle
flipped her that mindset to a this mindset and created a positive intention to
find the good in her flatmate.

Flipping a that to a this

1. Think of a task you really don’t enjoy doing that causes
you to procrastinate, or one you do very quickly to get it
out of the way. Whichever you choose, it causes you
bad feelings and, possibly, leads you to perform it below
your usual standard.

2. Create a conscious positive intention relating to

completing the task and begin to focus on the intention.

3. Either use the absurdity technique described above or

begin to develop the positive aspects of the task, or
both. How absurd is it that you have been thinking of the
task in that way? Keep looking for the good and release
your mind from the negative aspects of the task.

Thinking in a this way will allow your mind to be creative and come up
with solutions and ideas rather than becoming stressed by the bad feelings
associated with that-type thinking.

Every new skill you attempt requires a degree of

practice. The more you practise these techniques, the
more you will reprogramme your thinking to create new
feelings and behaviour that serve you well. Take one
technique at a time and practise it several times on
issues that are real for you before moving on to the next
technique.
In this chapter you have learned that:

your feelings play a large part in who you are and how
you behave – negative feelings produce negative results
and vice versa
you can choose the way you feel
you can change your feelings using your internal
imagery, dialogue and sounds
changing your imagery and therefore your feelings will
help to create better results
associating with your images (this) will make them
stronger; dissociating (that) will weaken them; you can
choose whether or not to associate or dissociate with
your images
you can use reframing to change the way you are
thinking about something
phobias are the result of distorted beliefs and can be
fixed.
Making the most of what you’ve got
Before you delve into this chapter I have to make an apology: there is a lot
about sex here and because it underlies so much, if not drives the body
language of attraction, there is much repetition but from different
perspectives.

What women like and need and what men like and need is addressed again
and again because, let’s just say it and get it over with, most males are
programmed to be promiscuous; most females are programmed (some
would say sentenced) to be selective. Males seek primarily physical
satisfaction; females desire social satisfaction. Women choose their men;
men compete to be chosen. Males produce millions of sperm; females have
a limited number of eggs. Both choose the best partnering option they can
for the production of offspring; males by having as many children as
possible, females by having as many as can be nurtured to adulthood.

Attraction (noun)

The facility to manifest qualities such as interest, charm,

fascination, amusement and generosity such that others
seek your company.

Let’s get real, too. Men do not, as Dr Alfred Kinsey1 suggested, think about
sex every 7 seconds. It is only several times a day, according to the US
National Academy of Scientists, and it is only slightly lower for women.

Nevertheless, it is not money that makes the world go round but that very
basic need we call sex. This is where the language of words literally loses
‘hands down’ to body language. In the early part of relationships body
shape and what we do with it really does speak louder than words.2
As most women will attest, it is an unfair and inappropriate world.
Basically, fertility is written all over the female body. For women the
quadriga of youth, bust, hair and body shape dominate the way a woman is
initially viewed or valued by the male and, to a certain extent, by society.*

One of the reasons Alan Ayckbourn3 felt so moved to write

his insightful play Body Language was because, as a writer
when checking the top book rankings in the Sunday papers,
it suddenly dawned on him:

‘The English best-seller books in any week usually consist

of four books about dieting, six books about make-up and
so on. So, we are indeed an obsessive nation.’

With the advent of feminism in the 1960s one might have expected that
such discrimination would have waned, but ‘lookism’ does prevail4 and
unlike gender, sexual orientation, race, religion and political orientation, or
country of origin, it would almost be impossible to legislate against this
because it is so individual.

Our sexuality is unique among mammals. Sex for other mammals is driven
primarily by their biology and for the most part it is an instinctive approach.
We still have our instincts, we still have the same physiology, but now there
is a very thin veneer of our cultural heritage and social mores. Most animals
have sex when they are ready; we humans have sex dancing through the
requirements of our cultural heritage and our psychological hurdles.

No wonder it is complicated, as Dr Alfred Kinsey over 60 years ago

suggested:

‘… sex is dealt with in the current confusion of ignorance and

sophistication, denial and indulgence, suppression and stimulation,
punishment and exploitation, secrecy and display.’5
Here, what is of interest to both sexes are the secondary sexual
characteristics. Unless you are a young performing pop star of either sex
they are not usually accentuated. Most of the body language of attraction
then is how we accentuate and articulate our secondary characteristics.

Note: In this section, perhaps more than the others, we are talking in
generalities and there are always exceptions to the rules of attractiveness.

Primacy and recency

An additional point on first male/female impressions we must cover is what
is known as the ‘primacy’ and ‘recency’ effects; that is, the first and last
things that we see and hear when we meet someone for the first time. We
have covered at length how important first impressions are (primacy effect)
but the recency effect is almost, but not quite, as powerful.

To illustrate this, read out to a friend the same string of

numbers (6140903602786) three times slowly and then ask
them to write down as many as they can remember. Most
will remember 6140 and 2786 – i.e. the first and the last.

What happens here is that our short-term memory when we

first hear the string of numbers kicks in so they are easily
remembered and there is time for rehearsal. The recency
effect is similar when recalling the numbers from short-term
memory.

Now let’s put this psych stuff into what happens when you meet someone
that you are interested in for the first time, especially if you find them
attractive.

We can express this graphically:

Graph 1 suggests that you are slightly anxious to make a great impression
on the person. You begin somewhat nervously but grow in confidence.
Then, say, about halfway through you have difficulty maintaining your most
alluring and attractive self (male or female); your nervousness returns and
your ‘performance’ drops.

Graph 2 shows the effect of primacy and recency in the person to whom
you are attracted. They remember your first and last impression.

Graph 3 combines Graphs 1 and 2. Unfortunately, as you can see, when

you were at your most sparkly your behaviour is not being registered as
significantly as that at the start and end of the encounter.

When you plan to meet or introduce yourself for the first

time, make sure that not only do you plan your
‘approach’ but also your ‘retreat’ to ensure you have
created the best first and last impression that you can.

First we will cover briefly those things that we cannot do much about,
mainly because we recruited the wrong grandparents. Here we are reflecting
on the bodies we were blessed with unless, of course, we indulge in
artificial help – and many of us do!
Unfortunately for the political correctness and equality brigade, looks do
count. Research paper after research paper shout from the academic
journals that ‘beauty is best/better/good/significant/successful’.

Those not so blessed have, in the past, blamed this obsession with looks on
the media – who constantly bombard us with photo after picture after photo
of the fortunate 5 per cent of the population that fall into this category. Not
so, says research. ‘If the world were to eliminate every magazine and media
form containing images of youthful, flawless bodies, we would still create
and desire these images in our minds’, says Harvard psychologist Nancy
Etcoff.6 We are the descendents of those who chose physical beauty.

So, if we are to believe the evolutionary psychologists, we have to face

facts: beauty/handsomeness is better.7 Those who were given the beauty
pills at birth enjoy a much better life than the rest of us. You fly in the face
of reality if you do not accept that society is seduced by attractiveness.
Beautiful people invite more interpersonal attention – whether male or
female. If you want to surprise an exceptionally attractive person, ignore
them and flirt with their friend; as they expect to be the centre of
interpersonal attention or admiration,8 their response is interesting.

Should you have done something inappropriate at work or socially, the

more attractive you are the less blame is attributed to you.9 If you have been
criminal, you might get a lower prison sentence.10

Enough. Enough about things that 95 per cent of us cannot do anything

about and let’s move on to things we can.

Propinquity
In psychology, propinquity is a very old concept going back to the 1930s11
and, like most of social psychology, once you have thought it through it is
obvious. Simply stated, the more time we spend with another the more they
are likely to like us and we them.
In industry there is now a movement called ‘The Allen Curve’12 – this is
that rather than having people in separate offices, they work in a large open-
plan space. Propinquity is at work here, too, because the employees talk to
each other rather than use technology to communicate, and performance is
improved. There are variations on the phrase but they all demonstrate
propinquity: ‘Married couples that dine/pray/garden together, stay
together’.

So, if you want to be liked, employ a little propinquity and just let the
conversation happen and the relationship might bloom. This old adage just
might be true:

‘Time equals commitment.’

Endogamy
For most of our history as humans there have been strict rules about who
you could and could not marry. Although the restrictive and discriminatory
laws may be gone, we still tend to like people like ourselves in terms of
colour, religion, culture, social standing – right down to the way we dress
and even eye colour.

So, if you want to be liked and found attractive, be as like as you possibly
can to your target group or the person with whom you are smitten.

Even Cicero 100 years before Christ wrote:

‘Like readily consorts with like.’

In 1967 the ban of a mixed marriage between a Caucasian and an African

American was ruled unconstitutional in 16 states in the USA. We all owe a
huge debt to Martin Luther King.

Stay around attractive people.

What we can do is cultivate friendships with attractive people. Patronage
has a long history and is alive and well today. The same principle operates
in attractiveness; an unattractive man who has an attractive wife is viewed
as more attractive, and vice versa. Individuals themselves feel more
attractive if they have an attractive partner.

Height
We have spoken of the advantages of height for men elsewhere (see page
98). It is well known in the attractiveness stakes that women prefer men
who are taller than average and taller than themselves. Perhaps this goes
back to their ancestral preoccupation of desiring a caveman protector for
herself and her offspring. Men, not surprisingly, much prefer their female
partners to be shorter than themselves.13 Imagine how Ms De-Fen Yao from
China feels being the tallest living women in the world, standing at 7 foot 9
inches (2.3m).14

If you are height challenged you know that there are other factors that add
to one’s attractiveness, such as personality, interpersonal skills and power.
Also, usually you place more effort in the development of these alternative
fundamentals.

Hair
For women, strong lustrous hair15 is an indicator of youth, thus explaining
all those neotenic models pouting out of adverts of coiffeur salons all over
the world promoting hair products. Youth, again, is one of the reasons it is
said that men prefer blondes, as it is less common to be a natural blonde
after a woman reaches 30 years of age.16 With the perennial march of time,
blonde hair becomes darker.

Bad hair and skin during medieval times were signs of sickness and this is
endorsed by today’s medical standards, as poor hair and hair loss can be an
indication of iron deficiency caused by blood loss, diabetes, thyroid disease
and malnutrition.
Male baldness is not found attractive by some women, particularly younger
women.17 However, if you are follically challenged in the upper follicle
department, just call to mind Bruce Willis, Dr Phil, Sean Connery and …
Homer Simpson (I joke!).

Body shape
With body shape let us state and start with the obvious.

Most men like those physical attributes that give an indication of positive
sexual reproduction – breasts, legs, bottoms, hourglass figure and that major
sign of youth, a good skin. Women on the other hand, put far less emphasis
on the procreative and more on the protective. For many women strong
upright shoulders, a strong chin, muscled arms, a trim bottom and strong
legs are gazed upon with pleasure, especially when it is topped off with a V-
shaped torso. For most of us males it gets worse, since the research
suggests18 a waist to shoulder ratio of 0.75 is the most attractive. That is
why so many men spend hours in the gym trying to make their normal
manly bodies more manly and hiding their non-exercised legs, which now,
compared to their muscled upper bodies, appear relatively skinny. Perhaps
males should thank Beau Brummell for making long trousers fashionable.

There is some suggestion that young men prefer a slimmer female, and as
they grow older, some would say more sensible, preference increases for
what we might call the more generous, or in the adjective of the singles
adverts, ‘cuddly’ frame.

Unfortunately for the obese they are not regarded as physically attractive.
Even children19 as young as six years old impute the unfavourable
attributes to them. Here the implications impact not only on relationships
but also employment.

Also stating the obvious, because it is usually only young to lower middle-
age females that can reproduce easily, men have a preference for, and
marry, younger women. Females who have a youthful appearance, which
would include a good skin, firm breasts and long thick hair,20 also do well
in the attractiveness stakes – you knew this anyway. All this to satisfy the
evolutionary driver: ‘To breed is to succeed.’

We have to remember here that physical attractiveness is also very much

affected by culture and era. Even without her arms Venus de Milo was the
beauty of her time (in 120 BC) and yet has a very small bust; while
England’s hero John Bull is very portly when compared to the svelte male
models of today, yet both were considered attractive in their day.

Faces
Now, surprise, surprise, of course men are attracted to women who can bear
them lots of healthy babies and women are attracted to men who appear
strong enough to protect all those babies, yet both men and women are
more impressed with the face21 of a potential mate rather than any other
part of the body.

We naturally have a preference for certain types of faces over others, with
usually such faces being those of our family members. This may explain
why you may be attracted to others who resemble them – a phenomena
known as assortative mating.

For the female, having a youthful face is the most significant fertility sign
to a male. This certainly explains why a woman will spend a fortune on
make-up and another fortune in time applying it to look much younger than
they are. This idea is captured in the cruel quote by the slightly misogynous
Oscar Wilde:

‘A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.’

This may have been true in Wilde’s time, but now grooming products for
men come rushing out of the closet again, long after the beauty spot antics
which were made fashionable by Prince George’s favourite, Beau
Brummell, at the end of the eighteenth century. Fast forward to 1980 and
we find more and more items are available to enhance the male visage.
Today there are 40 million entries in Google for ‘men’s make-up’.
Concerning attractiveness, psychologists at the University of New Mexico
have actually found that when a woman ovulates she shows a preference for
men whose body odour suggested symmetry!22 Makers of men’s aftershave
and fragrance take note!

Interestingly, a female when ovulating prefers in a male a strong jawline,

heavy brows and broad cheekbones, all of which are associated with a high
level of testosterone.23 Men, if you do not have this type of face, all is not
lost, because in early follicular or luteal phases the chin preference gives
way to a good skin, indicating good health over the Marlboro-man look.

Babies of both sexes prefer to look at symmetrical faces24 than those, shall
we say in a kindly way, that are more interesting.

However, physical attractiveness is only one factor out of many that makes
us attractive enough to achieve an ongoing relationship and to maintain it.
Divorce rates among the beautiful people who inhabit both screen and stage
is significantly higher than average. Yes, looks are seductive, but in the long
term it is what lies beneath that is the foundation of long relations.

Eyes
Lashed eyes are another sign of health. Besides being the window to the
soul, large eyes in women are a definite plus in the looks department and
have been for a long time, as Mark Antony found out when he visited Egypt
in 41 BC. But here again we can take heart if we are not in the beauty queue
when we were made. Cleopatra VII Philopator, although she knew the
advantage of eye make-up, was better known in her time for her wit,
intelligence and the sweetness of her voice.

Perhaps here while we are talking about the eyes of a female, we should
also mention the advice of Victor Hugo when he wrote:

‘When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.’

Although the variation in the maximum size of our pupils is individual, you
can check if that special person you have just met finds you attractive by
checking the change in their pupil size – providing, of course, you are not
both in a dimly lit bar where you both have to dilate your pupils just to be
able to see. Because of colour convergence, those with blue eyes are easier
to ‘read’ than brown eyes and for that reason they disclose more of their
feelings towards you. In the WASP world where females have more of a
choice concerning eye colour, blue eyes are thought to be marginally more
attractive than brown.

Our eyes also become somewhat watery when we find someone attractive,
which is yet another physiological reaction that is difficult to develop but
easy to recognise.

Glasses
Early research found that wearing glasses25 has an interesting effect on the
way that you are perceived. Men are rated more intelligent and also serious,
conventional and hardworking, but less manly. Women are rated more
intelligent, honest, serious and sometimes ‘dizzy’.

Which version of the same lady do you find more attractive?

In their alter egos as Superman, Spiderman, Superwoman and Wonder

Woman, none of the superheros wear glasses, despite tonnes of testosterone
for the first two and an oestrogen explosion for the latter.
For the same reason, we have grey hair and wrinkles after the age of 40, we
begin to notice that our ability to focus on near objects begins to decline,
and by that age, as our arms are fixed in length, glasses are the only way to
go. This is the onset of presbyopia – such an unkind word, from first the
Greek and then the Latin, meaning ‘old man eyes’. No wonder ‘men and
women do not make passes at people with glasses’. I tell people that my
glasses are to make them more attractive.

Take off your glasses to appear more attractive and

younger because for most of us our vision declines with
increasing age.26

Breasts
Certainly in Western culture, large breasts are attractive to men because the
research suggests a top breast to under breast ratio indicates that a female
enjoys a greater level of estradiol, a sex hormone critical for fertility. Breast
position is also an excellent and obvious sign of fertility27 and men, as we
all know, at a basic level are driven to reproduce, which explains all those
vain attempts at surreptitious staring.

Male and female voices

Here we go back to Darwin28 again when he wrote:

‘Although the sounds emitted by animals of all kinds serve many purposes,
a strong case can be made out that vocal organs were primarily used and
perfected in relation to the propagation of the species.’

Most men show an enhanced preference for women with high-pitched

voices – remember Ms Monroe when she sang ‘Happy Birthday, Mr
President …’? Women, on the other hand – although not so strongly
affected by voice pitch – by and large prefer men with deep voices.

Interestingly, women with a higher pitched voice are also blessed with a
more attractive face and in men it is the reverse. All this is to do with
hormone levels – mainly testosterone – because it suggests dominance (or
lack of), fertility, health and attractiveness.

Skin
Skin is the body’s window on health, and healthy people are attractive
people. Even in some primates their skin indicates social-sexual availability
to potential mates. Because skin blood perfusion reflects cardiovascular
health,29 the fitter we are the more attractive we are, and this holds true for
both sexes. At a very basic level both males and females want/need to
procreate and a fit person is the best bet to satisfy this need.

Have you ever wondered why the higher-ranking women (power, status,
resources, etc.) in societies from the US to India and most places in between
have, in the main, fairer skins?30 By and large powerful men prefer fair skin
in a female, whilst females of any status are indifferent or have a slight
preference for males with a darker skin. This is the basic hair colour
protocol for maidens and heroes of the corset-ripper genre of ever-popular
romantic novels. The natural outcome of generations of men acting on this
sexual proclivity has been fairer and fairer children.

All this might eventually change, with Hollywood enjoying a

Mediterranean climate and producing sun-tanned beauties for the screen,
and the advent of profitable spray tan parlours and the associated
advertising which tell us that ‘Bronze is Beautiful’.

Personal aroma
Body odour (BO), even if it is sweet smelling, is a somewhat taboo topic,
but it has a very significant place in body language and attractiveness. In all
cultures BO resulting from a lack of personal hygiene has a strong adverse
effect on another person of either sex, usually resulting in rejection.

What has this to do with attractiveness? Pheromones play a large part in

physical attraction, especially the pheromone called androstenone.

Personal scents can attract; fresh sweat on males is attractive to females, not
only because of the male pheromone androstenone* but also because it is an
indication of good health and virility. However, our personal odour, given
off by our pheromones, is as unique as our signatures on our bankcards –
much to the chagrin of the escaping prisoner when the dogs pick up and
identify his individual scent from all the others on his escape route. We may
not be as astute as man’s best friend, but 95 per cent of us given personal
odour alone can tell whether it originates from a male or a female.

A recent study31 suggests that women who are exposed to different male
sweat scents responded to them differently. Perspiration from men watching
‘educational’ videos stimulated different parts of the female brain than the
sweat produced when men were watching another type of video. This
suggests that women can identify, through odour, a man who is interested in
her.

Unfortunately for the males amongst us, women are not as skilled in this
area as lepidoptera (moths and butterflies) where some species can, at six
miles in any direction, recognise a suitable mate.

For attractiveness, any perfume with musk would appear to be the winner.
Women are more sensitive to it than males but even they can detect it in one
part per 100,000, and the fairer sex are more likely to respond to it during
ovulation since the oestrogen hormone makes the odour very attractive. So
if you want to be more physically attractive, go for musk. (See when you
should break this rule, on page 50.)

Pheromones
Pheromones* work for bats, pigs, elephants and mice, sending real non-
verbal messages to one another indicating fear, membership of a social
group, that they are sexy or that they can induce a female to be ready for
sex. All this sounds great but, unfortunately, irrespective of your gender
preference if you are human you lack the essential equipment to practise
this advantage on someone you find attractive. The animals mentioned
above, and almost any animal that has fur or hair, have the advantage of a
piece of equipment located in their nose which has been christened by
scientists as the vomeronasal organ (VNO). Pheromones wafting past this
funny sounding organ are recognised and delivered to the brain. Humans
also have a VNO but unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your
proclivities at the time, it does not work as well as it should. Rather like our
toes – they are there but are not as useful as those of our primate ancestors.

But hope is on the horizon; there has been some research by two Nobel-
Prize-winning scientists collaborating at Harvard32 that all is not lost – we
share a gene with the humble mouse that is essential to pheromone
detection – so watch, not smell, this space and don’t be taken in just yet by
the marketing hype, even if you are looking for a partner.

Legs
Secretly, many women want to make their legs look longer, as longer legs
equal greater sex appeal.33 Many things happen when a girl advances into
puberty, but for the male of the species she becomes a potential mate. At the
same time the growth hormones kick in, especially in elongation of a
females’ legs. In the simple male mind, and of course at a sexual level
(most males do tend to be very simple beings) long legs equal reproductive
readiness.
An example of lordosis in action, but note the arms akimbo, not in
aggression, but to lift the bust.

So for women, high heels and, if she can get away with it, a short skirt says
to the deep level* of the male brain ‘reproductive ready’. Heels give the
impression of lordosis, because they give an inward curvature to the spine
which in turn pushes the bottom out, which is another sign of post
pubescence. As experienced beach Romeos have come to recognise, high
heels are not always necessary for lordosis to occur. Most women, if they
find a man physically attractive, will curve their back by going up on their
toes without being conscious of what they are doing.

Male body language and partnering

Males compete for the attention of the female, so when they are in a pack
they will compete for air time. It does not matter what they say, as long as
they are reducing the air and vision time of other male suitors. So, like the
peacock’s sexual display, men want to appear physically bigger;34 the
shoulders go back, the chest is pushed out and the hands are either pronated
(with the knuckles turned outward to enhance the ‘V’ shape) or are placed
on the hips.

An evolutionary equation for men

Looking big = Looking strong = Powerful protector = Gain mate =
Procreate = Gene survival

As part of his display the male will attempt to stand in front of the female
with his feet slightly apart, to increase his physical space as well as cutting
off any hope of advance from other males. If she finds him attractive the
female will turn towards him, indicating acceptance; if not, he receives the
‘cold shoulder’ treatment and turns to another possible suitor.

What is the male doing here and how is the female responding?
Answers on pages 224–5.

Of course, the male wants to looks good so he engages in preening

behaviour by brushing back his hair, straitening his tie or smoothing some
other piece of clothing. (Women in the same circumstances self-preen too.)
Whilst all this is going on his eyes are working overtime – although he has
done this many times before – and as he makes his approach the male
attempts to hold her gaze. Once in front of the female his eyes will alternate
between her eyes and her mouth.

Pupil dilation is not only a sign of a good hand at poker, but also a
significant body language sign of physiological attraction. Boy meets girl or
girl meets boy, the magic happens and both parties want to see as much of
each other as they can, so their pupils dilate. However, pupil dilation is only
one sign that indicates you may be attractive to the other person (if you
frighten them their eyes will also dilate!), so check for a supporting cluster.
If their eyebrows are raised, their shoulder moves out of parallax with
yours, and their feet are pointing away from you, you are definitely not as
attrative as you thought you were!

Blink rate also increases in the other person when they find you attractive.
There are some ladies who enjoy the attraction and attention of men for its
own sake and so have become skilled in the flirtatious flutter of the eyelids.

When he feels confident the male will then move from social space to
intimate space. He might make an excuse to legitimise this by removing a
real or an imagined hair or piece of fluff from the female’s shoulder. Or he
might lower his voice to encourage the female to lean or come closer so she
can hear. If more than a social closeness is maintained he might become
bolder and may touch the female on the arm or shoulder in his conversation
to illustrate a point or emphasis. If the female does not move back or frown
he will then extend his hand to those socially acceptable places.

Female body language and partnering

Females have a much greater armoury of body language when it comes to
making themselves attractive. Some say that males are so slow on the
uptake they need two or three signals to catch up with the female intuition.

So what does she do? There is a lot of self-touching – not only preening but
touching her body, particularly her neck. She also makes herself appear
more vulnerable by exposing her neck by stretching it. Whilst doing this she
might laugh and throw her head back, which not only exposes her neck but
highlights her bust, too.

Unlike the man, who attempts to show off his strength and dominance, the
woman engages in the reverse with a limp wrist and her palms facing
outwards.

When aroused, female lips engorge with blood, making them more red and
fuller. She might emphasise this by licking her lips, which draws attention
to this part of the face and their lustre.

As an orifice the mouth is also considered alluring, so she may make an

excuse to lick her fingers and/or she may also swallow noticeably when
there is nothing in her mouth.

In which of these two pictures of the same woman does she look
most attractive? More people will say the picture on the right.

Like the male, the female’s eyes too are working overtime, except in a
different way. Having managed to secure the social gaze of the male for just
a little longer than usual, suggesting an intimate look, she will look down
and possibly to the side, finally returning her gaze. She will repeat this
submissive sign if the male does not pick up on it the first time around.
Again, just like the male, if she finds a male that she sees who is attractive
or pleasing, her pupils will enlarge and the male will respond likewise to
this signal without even knowing it. Not so long ago ladies who enjoyed
just the attention of men for its own sake, or wished to show to her friends
how popular she was, might put a very little juice of the poisonous
belladonna berry into her eyes which would make her pupils dilate. In
Italian belladonna means ‘beautiful woman’.

Humour
Strange as it may seem, we all know but may not understand why humour is
so sexy. Just look at the personal ads in next Sunday’s paper to notice how
so many people want GSH (good sense of humour) in a partner. Humour
outranks physical attractiveness in finding a life partner.35

The company you keep

Most parents become concerned when their children mix with bad or
inappropriate company, especially during the teenage years when peer
group cultural cloning has such an influence on social behaviour and values
of the young. It is natural to judge people by the company they keep. Long
ago the Book of Proverbs suggested: ‘He that walketh with wise men shall
be wise’ (13:20), and later: ‘A man that hath friends must show himself
friendly’ (18:24).

This phenomenon also explains people’s aspirations to be part of the ‘in

crowd’; to be seen with the ‘beautiful people’ or walk in the ‘corridors of
power’. It also works in commerce to make an organisation more attractive.
Most firms, and certainly consultancies, will list their clients as a way of
demonstrating their bona fides.

So to increase your attractiveness quotient, align

yourself with attractive people.36
And when it all comes together over time
Touching socially acceptable parts of the body would be a good indication
of the desire for intimacy. By the time it has got this far men are driven by
their feelings and desires. For women, whilst light petting might be
physically enjoyable, common sense kicks in whilst she reviews future
consequences and options before she gives permission to continue.
Females, as every male knows, will reject advanced physical intimacy if
they do not feel comfortable or they still have reservations about the person.
This includes possible future scenarios if petting continues.*

If these are no issues for the female then intimacy is allowed to become
mutual. Mock physical play and fighting makes touch socially acceptable
and so the relationship matures. Deliberate physical contact, usually
kissing, is the opening act for reciprocal intimacy. Increased mutual
personal touching occurs in the sequence from peripheral to central, and
consummation is enjoyed. It is a dance where both must move together in
time and action; too fast or too slow can have disappointing outcomes for
one or both of the romantic pair.

Summary
Many of the following features of attractiveness are inherited and difficult
to fake, but please remember that there are very few individuals – male or
female – who possess, thankfully for 99.999 per cent of us, all these
genetically inherited qualities.

Remember also, here we discount the huge effect of personality and are
only concerned with the physical aspects of both male and female.

For females
Preferably slim, with thick, healthy hair and clear skin, she will have
neonate features, with a small chin, small nose and big eyes, and a post-
pubescent body. Moving to the face, she will have high eyebrows, large
high cheek bones over narrow cheeks, under which there is the potential for
a huge smile, and a higher-pitched voice; then lower still a significant bust
and a slim but hourglass figure supported by longer-than-average legs. This
would make the perfect physical female from a traditional male viewpoint.
Fortunately, according to the Body Shop, there are only six women in the
world that have achieved all the above and, at the time of writing, this is out
of a total world population of 3,428,196,000 females. For those who like
figures (no pun intended) females have a 1 in 571,366,000 chance of being
viewed as physically perfect. Why else would Photoshop be so popular with
fashion photographers?

Both these women show features of attractiveness. On the left large

eyes and small chin, on the right an almost perfectly symmetrical
face.

For males
For those who have not had the benefit of any input from Hollywood for the
past 20 years, the perfect male is taller than average, with a ‘V’-shaped
hairless torso, supported by a trim and firm bottom. Moving upwards there
should be a smiling, symmetrical, clean-shaven face revealing a strong chin
and a deep voice. A good head of hair helps if you are under 40, but beyond
that it diminishes in importance.
 *
Females:

Smile as much as you can.

If you must wear perfume, have a musk base, if it suits
you.
If you have thick hair, grow it; if you have thin hair, cut it.
Blonde hair will make you look younger.
Do not wear glasses.
Look after your skin as much as possible.
Be an expert in make-up.

Males:

Stay around females as much as possible (propinquity).

Use stacks of deodorant when and where necessary.
Smile as much as you can.
Stand tall.
Exercise to look fit.
Develop your shoulders and chest.
Develop and use humour.

Just one more thing before we move on to the signs of attraction. Did you
know that besides shows of affection:

‘Males kiss in the hope of having sex or to say sorry, females kiss to check
how the relationship is going’?

The signs of attraction

21 early signs that the other person (either male or female)
finds you attractive
 1. Does the person frequently attempt to catch your eye?
2. Does the person attempt to stand in front of you?
3. Does the person smile a lot?
4. Does the person attempt to amuse?
5. Does the person have their feet pointing towards you?
6. Does the person groom and touch themselves frequently?
7. Does the person attempt to find a reason to touch you?
8. Does the person laugh easily and often when they are with you?
9. Does the person hold their arms to their sides?
10. Does the person frequent the same places as you?
11. Does the person pay more attention to you than others when in the
company of others?
12. Does the person lick their lips more frequently than others?
13. Does the person move into your personal space?
14. Does the person have an initial high blink rate?
15. Does the person breathe more quickly in your presence?
16. Does the person mirror you?
17. Does the person have significant eye dilation, especially when
surroundings are bright?
18. Does the person speak more softly to increase intimacy/draw you
closer?
19. Does the person discuss opportunities to see you again before you
part?
20. Does the person give you their best smile when you separate?
21. Does the person’s handshake seem slightly prolonged?

21 early signs that she finds you attractive

1. Does she let you stand in front of her?
2. Does she look at you, and when you catch her eye for the first time
does she look down?
3. Does she arch her back when she first sees you?
4. Does she go on to her tip toes when she first sees you?
5. Does she expose her neck when she laughs at something you said?
6. Does she put her hand on her neck and/or under her hair?
7. Does she rub her foot behind the calf of her other leg?
8. Does she stand occasionally with her legs slightly apart?
 9. Does she toss her head so that her hair flicks away?
10. Does she touch you whilst with her friends?
11. Does she, when sitting, turn slightly side on, enabling you to see all of
her?
12. Does she, when sitting, cross one leg over the leg that is closest to
you?
13. Does she, when you are not sitting next to her, have her knees pointing
towards you?
14. Does she allow one shoe to dangle off her foot when sitting when her
legs are crossed?
15. Does she adjust her clothing, especially round her waist, to show off
her figure?
16. Does she not show annoyance if she catches you taking a sneaky look
at her bust?
17. Does she turn and expose her neck?
18. Does she laugh or giggle a lot when you try to be funny?
19. Does she roll her hips when she walks towards you?
20. Does she lean forward when you lean forward?
21. Does she look at you when you walk away from her? (Ask a friend to
observe!)

In Victorian times it was much easier; single maidens as they passed a male
who, shall we say, was slow on the uptake, just happened to accidentally
drop their handkerchief and the male felt compelled to be a gentleman and
return it to the maiden, who would then fain surprise at her gaucherie. At
the annual Hunt Ball (the posh equivalent of a singles’ event but arranged
by pickie parents), if a lady – they did not allow women in – caught your
eye and then hid behind her fan the gallant gentleman – they did not allow
men in either – could count on being the last swain on the dance card.

21 early signs that he finds you attractive

1. Does he make himself taller?
2. Does he puff out his chest?
3. Does he attempt to increase his ‘physical’ zone?
4. Does he put his hands on his hips?
5. Does he keep looking at you?
 6. Does he nod his head up and down slightly when you are talking?
7. Does he keep his arms away from his chest?
8. Does he attempt to interrupt other males when they are talking to you?
9. Does he make eye contact all the time you are speaking?
10. Does he give an encouraging smile or laugh at what you say?
11. Does he attempt physically to block other males from moving close to
you?
12. Does he attempt to move into your private space?
13. Does he find an excuse to touch your hand, elbow, arm or shoulder?
14. Does he move his head slightly to his right when you are talking?
15. Does he try to prolong conversations with you?
16. Does he sneak an occasional look at your bust?
17. Does he track you as you move through the room? (Ask a friend to
observe!)
18. Does he offer to do things for you? (Getting a drink or chair for you,
opening a door, etc.)
19. Does he try to sit close to you or next to you rather than opposite you?
20. Does his tic (verbal or physical) become more noticeable?
21. Does he attempt to walk with you when you leave?

In medieval times it was easier because all the champion of the joust had to
do was to present to the lady of his heart’s desire his colours and, with the
king’s approval, the deal was sealed.

So what does all this mean … ?

To get all this into proportion, as important as attractiveness is, most of
what we have been dealing with here has pertinence only to first
impressions, and fortunately ongoing relations and those that grow into
intimate relations take far more into consideration.

When we first meet someone we reveal very little of ourselves. Much of our
behaviour is governed by social/cultural norms, with personal individuality
kept at a minimum. We smile a lot, agree a lot, and nod our heads a lot,
wanting to appear an agreeable person.
(As an aside, the desire to make a good first impression is also one of the
many reasons that makes interviewing such an unreliable technique for
employee selection. The parties on both sides of the office desk are on their
best behaviour; candidates presenting themselves in the best way they can
and recruiters presenting their organisation in the best way they can, which
explains the frequent disappointment of both parties three months later.)

As relationships move on we begin to reveal more of our psychological

apparel. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs,37 once we have and
have satisfied our need for air, water, food and safety, then sex and social
needs come to the fore. It is here that most of the body language of
attraction comes into play. To survive, ongoing and permanent relationships
demand far more of the couple than just the satisfaction of the sex drive or
to be socially acceptable to our peers. Higher aspects of ourselves, such as
interpersonal behaviour, our personality, our values and spirituality – all
those significant aspects that make us truly human – are necessary not only
in permanent relationships but in both life and work.

One of the essential criteria for success is the strength of your interpersonal
skills. Socially you need to have empathy, understanding, generosity,
respect and, at work, social acceptance, influence and persuasiveness, since
it is hard for you to get to the top without being able to get others to do
things for you and for them to be happy and contented to do so. It is
difficult to manifest these competences and traits without a portfolio of non-
verbal skills and an understanding of body language.

Now we might not be as attractive as we wish but in life it is very important

to be able to influence others, so this is our next topic.

‘I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People

know this, and steer clear of me at social events. Often, as a sign of
their great respect, they don’t even invite me.’
  Dave Barry, comedian

References
 1 Kinsey, A. (1948), Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male.
2 Dion, K., Berscheid, E. and Walster, E. (1972), ‘What is beautiful is good’, Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology 24 (3).
3 Glaap, A. R. (1999), A Guided Tour Through Ayckbourn Country.
4 Cash, T. F., Gillen, B. and Burns, D. S. (1977), ‘Sexism and “beautyism” in personnel consultant
decision making’, Journal of Applied Psychology 62.
5 Ibid.
6 Etcoff, N. (2000), Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty.
7 Barber, N. (1995), ‘The evolutionary psychology of physical attractiveness: Sexual selection and
human morphology’, Ethology and Sociobiology 16.
8 Hatfield, E. and Sprecher, S. (1986), Mirror, Mirror … The Importance of Looks in Everyday Life.
9 Liche, M. D. and Zell, E. (2009), ‘Social attractiveness and blame’, Journal of Applied Social
Psychology 39 (9).
10 DeSantis, A. and Kayson, W. A. (1997), ‘Defendants’ characteristics of attractiveness, race, and
sex and sentencing decisions’, Psychological Reports 81(2).
11 Brossard, J. (1932), ‘Residential propinquity as a factor in mate selection’, American Journal of
Sociology.
12 Allen, T. J. and Henn, G. (2006), The Organization and Architecture of Innovation Technology.
13 Dixon, B. J. et al. (2009), ‘Studies of human physique and sexual attractiveness’, Archives of
Sexual Behavior 19.
14 Discovery Channel UK, January 2007.
15 Sherrow, V. (2006), Encyclopaedia of Hair: A cultural history.
16 Sailer, S. (2005), Blondes Have Deeper Roots.
17 Cash, T. F. (1990), ‘Losing hair, losing points’, Journal of Applied Social Psychology 20.
18 Smith, T. W. (2006), ‘American sexual behavior: Trends, socio-demographic differences, and risk
behavior’, GSS Topical Report 25.
19 Stunkard, A. J. and Wadden, T. A. (1985), ‘Social and psychological consequences of obesity’,
Annals of Internal Medicine 103.
20 Sherrow, V., Ibid.
21 Zaidel, D. W., Aarde, S. M. and Baig, K. (2005), ‘Appearance of symmetry, beauty, and health in
human faces’, Brain and Cognition 57.
22 Palermo, P. (2008), Symmetry? Could This be the Answer to the Age Old Question; ‘What is
Beauty?’
23 Buss, D. (2003), The Evolution of Desire; and ‘Sexual dimorphism and health’, Proceedings of
the Royal Society (Biological Sciences).
24 Slater, A. and Lewis, M. (eds) (2007), Introduction to Infant Development 2nd edition.
25 Thornton, G. R. (1944), ‘The effect of wearing glasses on personality traits of persons seen
briefly’, Journal of Applied Psychology 28.
26 Hamid, P. N. (1972), ‘Some effects on dress clues on observational accuracy’, Journal of Social
Psychology 86 (2).
27 Buss, D. (2005), The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology.
28 Darwin, C. (1871), The Descent of Man and Selection in Relation to Sex.
29 Stephen, I. (2008), ‘Skin colour signals human health’, a paper presented at St Andrews
University.
30 Frost, P. (2005), Fair Women, Dark Men: The Forgotten Roots of Racial Prejudice.
31 Denise Chen of Rice University, Texas, reported in The Daily Telegraph, 29 December 2009.
32 In 2004 Richard Axel of the Howard Hughes Medical Institute, New York, and Linda Buck of the
Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Centre, Seattle, jointly received the Nobel Prize for Medicine.
33 Pierce, C. A. (1996), ‘Body height and romantic attraction’, Social Behavior and Personality 24.
34 Rikowski, A. (1981), ‘Physical attractiveness: The influence of selected torso parametres’,
Archives of Sexual Behavior 10 (1).
35 Sprecher, S. and Regan, P. S. (2002), ‘Partner preferences in romantic relationships and
friendships’, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 19.
36 Kernis, D. A. and Wheeler, K. E. (1981), ‘Beautiful friends and ugly stangers’, Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 7.
37 Maslow, A. H. (1954), Motivation and Personality.

* It was only 300 years ago that Addison wrote that it was unjust to treat old and feeble women as
witches and the persecution of witches only became illegal in Britain in 1735. Buss, David (2003)
The Evolution of Desire.
* Men, please note: androstenol is produced by fresh male sweat and is arousing for women but only
for 20 minutes, then exposure to oxygen converts it to androstenone – the locker-room smell – and
it will certainly not have the effect you had hoped!
* Pheromone from the Greek pherein, meaning to transfer, and hormon, to excite.
* The ‘old’ brain which sits on top of the spinal column in the base of the skull is sometime referred
to as the ‘reptilian brain’, because all vertebrates from reptiles to mammals have one.
* With the advent of the sexual revolution of the 1960s there has been an increasing relaxation of
these reservations, as sex is a basic drive for both men and women.
* Please take into account that this summary for this chapter is concerned with body language and
attraction, because read out of context I am sure it could offend both men and women!
Let’s just reflect for a moment on the reality. You’re three-quarters of the
way through Brilliant Self Confidence; you’re getting to the point where
your Self-Confidence Project is going to really get into gear. There are still
some significant issues we haven’t yet touched on though. There are two
key questions you need to answer:

1. Do you feel satisfied with the way your life is going?

2. How motivated are you?

Finding the right balance

It’s difficult to feel satisfied and happy if you don’t have a balance to your
life. I find that confident people often feel content and happy because
they’re in control of their lives. They’ve found the happy medium between
the four key elements in their life:

Their commitments and time spent at work

Their love for and time spent with their family
Their personal health and fitness
Their time spent on ‘personal’ recreation and hobbies.

There’s a direct link here to self-confidence. Most confident people have

found an acceptable balance between their responsibility to others and their
own wants and needs. This helps them to feel satisfied and to stay positive.
We notice this about them at work and socially because it’s reflected in their
behaviour, their approach to life and the way they conduct themselves.

Importantly, they also tend to be realists – they’ve come to terms with the
fact that we all have responsibilities. For example, the majority of people
have to work to earn a living. Most confident people accept this and get on
with it.

You’ll struggle to stay confident if you don’t feel in control and satisfied
with your life. Why? … because you’ll end up demotivated, rudderless and,
ultimately, failing while others achieve.
A lot of people who lack self-confidence feel it’s selfish to think of
themselves. This is just not true; confident people realise that balancing
your own wants, needs and aspirations with your responsibility to others is
vital.

Life balance

Even if, on the face of it, you feel satisfied in your life – try
this exercise. Ask yourself if the balance in your life is right.
Be realistic though – for example: don’t kid yourself that
you aren’t happy because you spend more time at work
than you do on holiday!

It’s important that you open your mind and think creatively
when you do this, particularly when you’re thinking about
yourself and the things you’d like to do or achieve. Some
people find it helpful to refer to the strategic objectives and
tactical goals they set (in Chapter 3) when they’re doing this
exercise. Look at these again and satisfy yourself that the
time and effort you’re planning to put into different aspects
of your life are balanced fairly.

The ‘life balance’ exercise is about the present though. It’s

about the way you’re leading your life at the moment and
whether or not you’ve got your priorities right. Try thinking
about how much time you spend at work and then consider
the other aspects of your life which are or should be
important to you. This is a personal and private exercise
and only you will know what’s important to you. It might
help to think in terms of:

Your responsibility to others (work, family etc.)

Your responsibility to yourself (work, enjoyment, health,
hobbies etc.).
Some people find it helpful to actually map out how much
time they spend on the different elements of their life. This
highlights any inconsistencies and shows whether or not
you’re spending too much time on one particular aspect of
your life. In other words, whether or not you’ve got your
priorities right.

Have a look at this pie chart put together by Ailsa. She’s

calculated the amount of time she spends on different
aspects of her life over a weekly period.

Ailsa has chosen family, health, work and recreation as her

key elements. You can see straight away just by looking at
the larger, white portion that she spends a lot of her time at
work (this includes her journey to work).

Ailsa is married with two young children; she works full

time and sometimes doesn’t get home until after they’ve
had their bedtime story (read by her husband, who works
part time). The main message she’s learnt from doing this
exercise is that she just doesn’t spend enough time with her
children. So this simple exercise led her to change her work
pattern to accommodate … an exercise well worth doing!

Figure 8.1 Life balance

 Have a go at developing your own pie chart; you could
choose the same elements as Ailsa or you might decide to
change them to reflect your own life more specifically. For
example, if you spend a lot of time cleaning the house, then
cleaning could be one of the elements you include on the
chart. Include anything you think takes up a significant
amount of time. Don’t forget to put sleeping time on the
chart. Ailsa decided to include sleep in the health portion
(and realised that she probably doesn’t get enough of it!).

Remember, you’re looking at a period of a week in your life.

It needs to be a fairly ‘typical’ week so don’t choose a week
that doesn’t reflect the general pattern of your routine. Make
sure you include the weekend so the exercise reflects seven
days’ worth of your time. Some people find it helpful to
break the week into days and then to break each 24-hour
period down.

Ultimately, your pie chart represents 168 hours of your life.

Once you’ve allocated times to activities, you should have a
good feel for how your time is spent. When you’ve finished
the chart, reflect on it and ask yourself if you’ve got your
priorities right. The pie chart can be a real eye opener. In
fact I’ve known some people who’ve radically changed the
way they live, simply as a result of what they’ve discovered
by doing this exercise.

Personal effectiveness and discipline

People’s perception of how you come across to them socially and at work
isn’t just based on how you look and sound. It’s also based on how you
behave and how you organise yourself. You’ll feel more confident, and
there’s more chance people will perceive you as confident and in control, if
they see you as an organised, tidy and efficient person.
Personal organisation
How many confident people do you know who are disorganised? If you can
think of any at all, they tend to be the exception to the rule. Confident
people are usually organised, both practically and mentally. There’s a lot of
truth in the saying ‘disorganised desk, disorganised mind’.

If you tend to be disorganised in the way you run your life, you’ll struggle
to think clearly and logically. If you can’t think clearly and logically, you’ll
let both yourself and others around you down. The result, of course, is that
nothing people perceive in you is positive. At best they’ll see you as messy
and scatty; at worst they’ll see you as lazy, unreliable, unprofessional,
selfish … and the list goes on.

The difficulty is that people won’t necessarily tell you they see you like
this, they’ll just perceive it. More often than not, if they perceive it, you’ll
detect it in their behaviour towards you. As we’ve seen already, this could
have a significant impact on your work and personal life.

So, when you started thinking about building your self-confidence, you
might not have seen the link between personal organisation and confidence.
Don’t worry though, you wouldn’t have been the first person not to. The
key now is to address the issue if you need to.

Managing your time

Being efficient and organised with the use of your time is essential. If you
feel that your life is under control and that you’re making the most of it,
your sense of well-being will be stronger. This is bound to help with your
personal self-belief in relation to what you would like to achieve.

Try asking yourself how you tend to approach life. Are you what is often
referred to in ‘time management language’ as a Type A personality or a
Type B personality?

Type A – Describes people who like to get things done and push
themselves quite hard. They’ll cram a lot into their day. However, they
sometimes take on too much and fail to set aside enough time for
relaxation or reflection on where they are going.
 Type B – Describes people who work at a slower pace and are able to
bring a healthy balance to their lives. They aren’t so conscious of time
deadlines. People who demonstrate extreme Type B behaviour often let
others down because of their laid-back nature.

Having established where you see yourself on the Time Line (see Figure
8.2), consider whether or not you would benefit by changing your approach
slightly. You might find that you fall between Type A and Type B
behaviour. That’s not unusual. In fact, it’s quite a nice place to be because
you’re not leaning towards either extreme.

Don’t be late!
Type A people tend to be late because they’ve got so many other things to
do. Type B people may be late because they’re just more relaxed about the
concept of time. There are the obvious reasons for not being late, the main
one being that you’ll let others down and waste their time. Some people
naturally feel bad when they let people down, others don’t. Ask yourself
where you stand here.

So, what’s this got to do with confidence? Put simply, if you want to feel
confident at all times, you’ll need to have this considerate mentality built
into your mindset.

Figure 8.2 The time line

Letting people down is a good enough reason on its own for not being late,
but there are other more personal reasons that can also have a direct impact
on your confidence:

If you’re late, you’re already on the back foot. The other person
already sees something negative in you because you’ve let them down.
You can’t afford to project any negativity at all if you want to come
across, and therefore feel, confident. If you’re late, you’ll have a slope
 to climb, created completely through your own making, rather than a
level playing field.
If you’re late, you’ll cause a distraction for yourself (and others).
You’ll be thinking about what people think of you rather than how
you’re coming across. You know you’re late and this will be (or
certainly should be) on your mind. You can’t afford any distractions if
you’re trying to come across confidently. You need 100 per cent
attention on the task at hand – i.e. to look and sound confident.

Wherever you find yourself on the Time Line, make the decision right now
that you will endeavour never to be late again. Of course, if you’re delayed
by events outside your control, then that’s understandable. Don’t forget to
explain this though when you get there!

Don’t be late, don’t even be on time – be slightly early.

Then you’ve got time to prepare yourself to come across
confidently. You’ll be on the front foot (and already one
step ahead of people who haven’t yet arrived).

Staying healthy and keeping fit

‘Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.’

Albert Einstein

I’m not sure that Einstein meant this quote to be taken literally – after all,
it’s unlikely he was a fitness fanatic! More than likely, he was referring to
keeping active in terms of new ideas and thinking so you don’t get left
behind. But perhaps there is a more literal meaning to this quote … Let’s
presume so for the moment.

If you’re out of shape, there’s more chance you’ll feel insecure and
unattractive. So by keeping in reasonable shape, you’ll improve your
physical appearance and feel more energetic.
Of course, this doesn’t happen on its own. You’ll need to make the effort to
achieve it. It’s true that there’s a direct link between your physical state and
your mental state. The healthier you are, the more energy you’ll have. The
more energy you have, the easier you’ll find it to maintain a positive mental
attitude.

Figure 8.3 Health and fitness

It’s also been proven that physical exercise is a powerful natural antidote to
depression. So there are no negatives about keeping fit, there are only
positives.

Consider health and fitness on two levels:

Your general health

Your physical fitness

General health
With the exception of illnesses over which you have no control, everyone
should be able to stay healthy. If you’re sensible with your diet and keep it
balanced, if you ensure your body isn’t physically stressed, if you get
enough sleep and you get exercise, then you should be able to stay in good
general health. If one of these key requirements is missing due to your
lifestyle, you should think about making a change – you’ll struggle to stay
positive otherwise.

Physical fitness
It’s also important to keep physically fit. Don’t worry though, you don’t
have to be super-fit – you just need to keep your body in trim. This is harder
for some people than others due to physique and dietary considerations.
BUT – everyone can do it. It just takes self-discipline. You need to find a
realistic level of fitness that suits you.

This is worth trying if you haven’t tried it already. Of course, ‘physical

fitness’ means different things to different people. Don’t worry about other
people – don’t try to match others unless you feel it would help. Manage
your expectations here and do what you feel comfortable with. For one
person this could mean walking twenty minutes a day, for another it could
mean running for twenty minutes a day.

There are all sorts of fitness regimes you could consider – too many to list
here. Do some research on the internet and pick one that suits you. You
might also consider joining a gym, perhaps even joining a club. It doesn’t
have to be a running club – it could be any type of sport or perhaps a
walking club. Start off slowly and work up, don’t challenge yourself too
much at the beginning.

Finding your focus

Understanding what drives you
To feel confident and in control of your life, you need to know what drives
you; you need to know what makes you tick. Knowing what you actually
need to keep you enthusiastic about life is an essential component of
personal motivation. Knowing what you need is much more important than
just knowing what you want. Needs are essential requirements, wants are
desirables. There’s a significant difference here in relation to feeling and
being confident.
Put simply – if you don’t get what you want, you’ll probably feel sorry for
yourself and perhaps frustrated. That’s not great but it isn’t the end of the
world – you should still be able to overcome this with self-discipline.
However, if you don’t get what you need, you’ll come to a grinding halt.

Personal motivators
Opposite is a list of ten aspects of life that people feel are important to
them. Look through them and think about them in terms of what you need
in life, not so much in terms of what you want. Most people know
themselves well enough to be able to differentiate between the two. Then
rank each aspect of life in terms of its importance to you; mark the most
important as 1 through to the least important, 10. If you want to discuss
your answers with someone else, don’t do this until you’ve completed it,
otherwise they might distract you from your personal thoughts.

_____  Enjoyment

_____  Interesting work

_____  Religion

_____  Salary

_____  Personal development and learning

_____  Recognition and appreciation

_____  Job security

_____  Family

_____  Ambition

_____  Friends and relationships

Each individual is different; understanding which of these aspects of life are

most important to you personally is essential. Knowing this will help you to
get your true priorities in order. You’ll have a clearer focus and you’ll be
able to shape your life to accommodate it. If you don’t know what drives
you and keeps you motivated, you can’t aspire to it and you can’t provide it.
If you can’t provide it, you’ll end up in a downward spiral. It’s impossible
to maintain a positive mindset if you’re not getting what you need in life to
keep you enthusiastic and motivated.

Most people have a rough idea of where their orientation tends to be. Be
careful though, don’t make any presumptions – you might be surprised to
find that, deep down, you need something different to what you originally
thought; therefore it could be that you’re not getting it – simply because you
didn’t know you needed it. Your mental attitude will suffer if this happens.

When you reflect on the list, consider it in the light of the most important
motivators you’ve identified as being the things you need and the less
important being the things you want (or perhaps even don’t want in some
cases). Focus on the motivators at the top of your list – they’re the things
that really matter to you; the things you really need. Now ask yourself if
you’re getting them. If not, why not and what do you need to do to change?

It’s just as bad to feed yourself constantly with something you don’t actually
need. That would be like putting unleaded petrol in a diesel engine. Yes,
you’re re-fuelling the car but watch out, you’ll cause some serious damage;
ultimately your engine seizes and you break down. It’s also a huge waste of
time and effort – time you could have spent filling up with the right fuel and
getting to where you want to go.

To feel confident, it really helps if you feel motivated and

positive about life. To feel motivated, you need to know
what makes you tick.

Handling conflict with confidence

One common denominator between self-confidence at home and at work is
interpersonal conflict. Conflict is a natural phenomenon. You can reduce the
chance of it happening but you’re never going to get rid of it completely.
So, it happens. If dealt with calmly, it can in fact be a positive thing.

It can help you to:

clear the air

clarify what the other person is thinking
put your point of view across
discover a better way of doing something.

It doesn’t matter if you’re having an argument at home with a friend or

member of your family or you’re having a disagreement at work with your
boss or a colleague: the same rules apply to dealing with conflict.

There’s an art to dealing confidently with conflict. Just as an army needs a

strategy to win a battle, so, on a more tactical level, do you need tactics to
deal with a personal skirmish. We all encounter these skirmishes from time
to time, some of us even on a daily basis. But how do you normally react?
You’ll probably tend to react in the same way each time; that’s because you
have your own instinctive way of dealing with conflict.

If you’ve started to use some of the tips covered so far in Brilliant Self
Confidence, you should find that the number of conflict situations you
encounter has started to reduce. For example, the simple act of adapting
your communication style should make a huge difference to your
relationships at work, at home and socially.

Your instinct
Have you ever thought constructively about how you instinctively react
when someone criticises you, says you’re wrong, frustrates you or winds
you up? Some people come out of their corner fighting every time, even
when they think or even know the other person is right. Other people will
just give in or avoid the conflict, even when they know the other person is
wrong. What do you tend to do?
The conflict zone chart (Figure 8.4) shows two conflict handling extremes.
Some people will ‘contest’ regardless of the situation; others will just ‘give
in’. Look at the chart and put a cross on the line between ‘contest’ and ‘give
in’ to show where you think your instinctive approach to conflict falls.

So you’ve drawn a cross somewhere on the line. Most people assess

themselves correctly in terms of their leaning but some people find it
difficult to judge the degree to which they lean; in other words, the strength
of their style. To help with this, go to www.thinkconfidence.com and
complete the Think Confidence Conflict Style Questionnaire. It’s a simple
questionnaire that helps you to identify your instinctive conflict style and
the degree to which you use it.

Figure 8.4 The conflict zone

Some people score themselves at one or the other of the extremes; others
see themselves falling in the middle. This middle ground is the area of
‘compromise’. You might think that to compromise is the right approach
regardless of the situation; the solution that suits both people. Well that’s
true, but not all the time.
You might also think that to be at one or the other extreme is wrong; after
all, to ‘give in’ can’t ever be right, can it? Well yes, in certain situations, it
can. Equally, at the other extreme, some think that to ‘contest’ an issue
strongly and to insist you’re right could be construed as ‘over-doing it’. Try
not to think like this either; as long as you aren’t aggressive or violent,
contesting an issue can also be right in certain situations. The key is to have
the self-discipline and confidence to choose the right approach for the right
situation.

Rob

Rob was organising a weekend trip to France with a group

of five friends. They’d arranged to meet in the local pub one
evening. The aim was to discuss and agree where they’d
stay, how many nights they’d stay for and what the travel
arrangements would be. Everyone had agreed that Rob
would be the best person to coordinate the trip because
he’d been to France the year before on a similar trip with
other friends. Rob was happy to be in charge.

The meeting started off well. They were all good friends and
had known each other for some time. There was, however,
one person in the group who was more outspoken than the
rest and throughout the evening tended to dominate the
conversation. Rob found this odd because during the
course of the evening it transpired that this person (Lynda)
had never even been to France before!

Rob remembered from his trip the year before that they’d
really regretted not hiring a car for the weekend. They’d
decided to go on the ferry as foot passengers and get the
train to the village they were staying in. This had turned out
to be a big mistake because, although beautiful and
picturesque, the village was in the middle of nowhere. As a
result, they’d ended up having to get taxis everywhere and
this had meant they’d ended up spending much more than
they’d planned. Not having a hire car also meant they’d had
no flexibility – every time they wanted to go out, they had to
ring for a taxi. This turned out to be really frustrating.

So, Rob explained all this when they were talking about
transport arrangements. Lynda, however, just would not
listen. She was adamant that the cost of taxis would be less
than hiring cars. However, Rob had already worked out that,
even if they hired two cars, it would still be cheaper than
hiring taxis throughout the weekend and, of course, they’d
have the flexibility to go where they wanted when they
wanted.

This led to a disagreement. Rob began to feel very

uncomfortable with the situation because he just didn’t like
arguing. He ended up giving in to Lynda even though he
knew he was right. None of his other friends in the group
could make up their minds what was best. One or two of
them even tended to side with Lynda because she was so
direct with her views. Rob just didn’t stand up for himself so
they weren’t convinced by his argument – even though he’d
actually been there and experienced the problem!

Rob just wasn’t a person who felt comfortable contesting an

issue. His instinct was to give in whenever he found himself
in a conflict situation. He felt particularly uncomfortable
with Lynda because she was a person who would
instinctively contest.

The whole group lost out eventually because they didn’t

hire cars and, just as Rob had predicted, they regretted it.
 When you think you’re right, don’t give in. It’s time to be
actively assertive in order to contest the issue. You’ll
need to motivate yourself to do this, particularly if your
instinct is to give in. Make a pact with yourself not to let
this happen the next time you think you’re right and the
other person contests.

Like Rob, the majority of the people I meet who lack confidence tend to
either give in or do their best to avoid the conflict in the hope that it will go
away and not come back. The trouble is, the problem rarely does go away;
more often than not it will fester and then come back with a vengeance.

So, you’re probably getting a feel for what I’m suggesting here. People who
have confidence and use this confidence in a balanced manner are able to
deal with each conflict situation that confronts them in the way that best
suits. They have the self-control and sensitivity to avoid or perhaps even
give in when they should and they have the self-belief and self-confidence
to stand up for themselves when they think they’re right.

Identifying the type of conflict situation you’re encountering is the first step
to making a judgement and doing something about it.

So, if any of the following applies, you need to dig deep, present your case
confidently and contest the issue:

When you’re sure you’re right and the potential repercussions of the
other person winning the argument are serious.
When you’re sure you’re right and any delay in presenting your case
could have a negative impact.

Mike

Mike was on a skiing holiday in Austria with his family. An

easygoing, confident person, Mike would only contest an
issue if he really felt he was right or that a matter of
principle was involved.

He’d hired a snowboard for his son Toby to use.

Unfortunately, at lunchtime on the last day of their holiday,
one of the boot straps (bindings) on the snowboard broke
while Toby was using it. As a result, Toby couldn’t ski on
the last afternoon and Mike had to take him back to their
apartment using the lift system up and down the mountain.
This took all afternoon because they were a long way away
and had to use a number of different lifts to get back. They’d
wasted a whole afternoon of their holiday.

Mike was certain that Toby wasn’t responsible for breaking

the snowboard and that the hire shop should take
responsibility because it was a ‘mechanical’ failure rather
than a ‘breakage’.

So, when they arrived back at the shop, Mike calmly

explained what had happened to the shop owner. He also
explained that neither he nor Toby had been able to ski
since lunchtime, they’d wasted the ski passes they’d paid
for and they’d had a long trip back using the lift system.

Mike made it clear to the shop owner that he didn’t feel it

was fair for him to pay for the hire of the snowboard for the
last day … And that was when the conflict started because
the owner completely disagreed. Mike stood his ground
even though the owner became quite annoyed … ‘If you hire
a car and have an accident, you pay for it … hiring a
snowboard is just the same,’ he kept on saying. But Mike
wouldn’t budge because as far as he was concerned he was
right. He retorted, ‘If I hired a car and I had an accident
which was my fault I would have to pay for it, but if I hired a
car and it broke down through no fault of my own, I would
not … you have hired me a snowboard and the binding has
snapped – my son did not break it.’
 And so the argument went on, but Mike stood up for himself
because he thoroughly believed he was right. As a result
the owner backed down and didn’t charge him for the last
day’s hire of the snowboard.

So what’s the moral of the story? If you feel strongly about something,
prepare before you speak and have facts and reason to back up your
argument. Mike prepared before he went back to the shop. He took a deep
breath before he went in and presented the owner with his case. It worked.

On the other hand, when might it make sense to give in?

When you know the person is right or has a better idea than you.
When you know you are right but the issue is of such minor
importance that it’s just not worth getting into an argument.
When you’re working with someone who’s learning (perhaps a young
person) and you don’t want to demotivate them. The person is full of
energy and enthusiasm and wants to help. They come up with an idea
that you know won’t work because you perhaps tried it when you were
learning. As long as the consequences of them trying their idea and
failing aren’t likely to be serious, let the person have a go. They’ll feel
more inclined to come up with ideas in the future because they know
you’ll listen. If you don’t let them have a go, you could end up with a
demotivated person who doesn’t think you value their opinion or,
perhaps even, trust them.

Or perhaps, it would be more sensible to avoid the conflict (this isn’t giving
in; you’re just avoiding the conflict for the moment with a view to
addressing it again later if it’s still there).

So, when would it make sense to avoid it?

When tempers are getting frayed and people aren’t thinking straight.
When the issue is of such minor importance that it’s just a waste of
time to argue about it.
When you’re not prepared properly with your argument.
 When you’re not in the right frame of mind.
When you’re in a place that isn’t appropriate (perhaps a public place
where others can overhear you).

There are times too when the most sensible course of action is to
compromise. If you score yourself between the two extremes on the
Conflict Zone chart, your instinct will tend to push you towards the middle
ground of compromise.

The compromise style lends itself best to the following situations:

When a solution is moderately important but not worth the effort or

possible continued conflict that might result from either contesting or
giving in.
When you need to achieve a temporary settlement to a larger issue.
When you’re under time pressure.
When both sides have essential needs to consider.
When you’re dealing with someone of equal power or authority.

Choosing the right style

Be aware of your instinctive way of dealing with conflict; it could be to
contest, to compromise or even to give in. Whichever it is, don’t worry;
there’s nothing wrong with any of these approaches. Be aware though:
you’ll react to conflict in your natural instinctive way time and time again if
you don’t consciously think about it. The key is to make sure you don’t
‘default’ into your comfort zone when your instinctive approach isn’t the
right approach.

Pinch yourself next time you face conflict. Look at how

you’re behaving. Ask yourself if you’ve chosen the right
style. Prepare yourself if you need to switch from your
natural style.
Showing emotion
There’s nothing wrong with showing your emotion! In fact, you’ll find it
hard to deal with conflict effectively if you withhold your true feelings.

More often than not, the main reason we hold back is that we fear the
consequences of showing our emotions. We worry that we’ll embarrass
ourselves and we wonder what the person will think of us and how they
might react. It’s for this reason that people tend to show and share their
emotion more readily at home than they might at work.

Try to set aside these worries (particularly at work). After all, there
shouldn’t be any embarrassment if you control the way you communicate
your emotion. Some people might even see your lack of visible emotion as
a sign that you don’t care … not a good way for your work colleagues to
perceive you.

Continually holding in your emotion can be like blowing up a balloon –

breath by breath it gets bigger until, eventually, unless you release some of
the air – BANG! Releasing some of the air is the important thing to
remember here. If you let go of the balloon and release all of the air, it’ll fly
away wildly and you’ll lose control. So, controlling the way you release the
pressure is the key to communicating your emotion effectively.

These essential rules should stand you in good stead:

Think carefully before you talk or act.

Communicate your emotions in a controlled way.
Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgement.
Make sure you’re receptive to the emotions of the other person.
Adapt your communication style to accommodate the style of the other
person.

It’s more damaging to bottle up your emotion than to

share it. Just make sure you prepare yourself and
communicate it with self-control.
Dealing with difficult people
Even when you have the confidence to change the way you approach a
conflict situation, from time to time you’ll still encounter people who you
find it difficult to deal with. Some of these people will be people you
already know. That means you can pre-empt and prepare for what’s going to
happen before you see them; it’s unlikely they’re going to change the way
they behave.

The first thing to do when dealing with a person you find difficult is to
reflect on your natural communication style. Simply adapting your style to
match theirs may well be enough to convert a ‘difficult person’ into a
person you don’t feel uncomfortable with. Hopefully you’ll have nipped the
problem in the bud before it’s even started.

So, what should you do if you’ve tried adapting your style and still the
person is being difficult and insisting they’re right? Here are some ideas:

Stand up for yourself

I’ve mentioned that a lot of the people I meet who lack confidence find the
hardest conflict situations to be the ones where they have to stand up for
themselves. This may mean ‘contesting’ an issue, insisting on your rights or
strongly voicing your concerns. They find this hardest because it’s against
their nature. If you’re one of these people, you’re going to find this one of
the most challenging parts of your Self-Confidence Project.

You’ll find that being more assertive will help here. Think back (to Chapter
6): if you tend to lean naturally towards the passive side of the
Assertiveness Seesaw, you’ll have to work hard to fight your gremlin.
Extreme passiveness normally means giving in. Your gremlin will be trying
hard to keep you on the passive side of the bar. You’ll never be able to stand
up for yourself if you stay there. Remember the Brilliant Self Confidence
principle – don’t let the gremlin get you.

The three simple steps in Figure 8.5 should also help when you need to
stand up for yourself and when you’re dealing with difficult people at home
or at work.

Figure 8.5 Dealing with difficult people

Step 1 – Suss out the situation

If the person wants to speak, let them; be quiet and don’t rush in; control
yourself and wait it out. Let them get it off their chest. Don’t interrupt them.
Actively listen, look alert and don’t get distracted. Control your body
language – don’t let your body speak for you instead of your mouth. Don’t
fidget, shrug your shoulders, use submissive facial expressions or body
language. All of these traits signal that you lack self-confidence and could
make you look apologetic. Just stand or sit still, face the person and look
them in the eye while they’re talking.

Keep the person and the problem separate. No matter how much their
behaviour frustrates you and winds you up, try to keep an open mind. The
person might not just be being difficult, they might actually have a valid
and good point.

When they’ve finished, try to hold the silence. This might put them off their
guard. They’re expecting you to say something – so you’ve got the
initiative now. Make sure that when your chance to respond comes, you
insist that nobody interrupts you. This shouldn’t be a problem if you had the
self-control not to interrupt them. If you’re interrupted, politely remind the
person that you deserve to be heard – it’s your turn now.

Step 2 – Deliver
Make sure you know what you want to achieve and the basis of your
argument. If you don’t, you’re not ready – so find more time to prepare. If
you don’t know, how can the other person be expected to understand your
point of view?
Take control by setting out the facts. There’s no harm in repeating the other
person’s argument or position back to them. This way they’ll know you’ve
listened. Having heard it again, they might even realise how stupid or weak
it sounds! Repeating it back to them also gives you more chance to think
about it.

Then, speak authoritatively in the first person. This means saying ‘I’ more
than you might normally. For example, it’s more constructive to say ‘I don’t
agree with you’ than ‘you’re wrong’. There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘I
disagree’ or ‘I feel strongly that that is the wrong approach …’. Make sure
you have some substance to back up your opinion though. Otherwise the
other person could counter that you’re basing your opinion simply on
judgement, not fact. This could also mean that you start to lose credibility –
and then you’re on the slippery slope to losing the argument.

There’s one exception to the principle of saying ‘I’ – never say ‘I’m sorry’
for putting forward your opinion. Never apologise for standing up for
yourself unless, on reflection, your behaviour was aggressive or
inappropriate in some way.

Speak assertively; try not to stutter and don’t mumble. Remember to

breathe! This will help you to think and speak at a measured pace. Be
positive at all times and don’t be frightened to encourage discussion about
the issue; even though the person might eventually realise you’re right, they
won’t necessarily accept this if they don’t feel you’ve given them a chance
to present their thoughts in full.

Step 3 – Take the initiative at the end

Take control of the conflict situation by being the one to conclude it. Have
the moral courage to offer an ultimatum if you think it’s warranted. Try to
end it on your terms but be prepared to compromise if you judge it to be fair
and necessary. If you’ve decided to contest the issue, never walk away
without either solving it or agreeing a next step.

Naomi
Naomi was rather like Rob in her approach to dealing with
difficult people. Her instinct was to give in rather than hurt
someone’s feelings or, even better, to avoid the conflict
altogether in the hope that it would go away.

The trouble was, she’d tried both these approaches and still
she kept coming into conflict with a particular person
(Marie). They were both managers of a call centre team
dealing with holiday insurance. They worked different shifts
and as a result didn’t see much of each other.

Naomi had got to the point where she felt the team was
suffering due to Marie’s insistence on shaping the way it
operated. Naomi would regularly come in to work and find
that Marie had introduced a new procedure that she knew
nothing about. Not only did Naomi feel this was
unprofessional because they were supposed to be
managing the team jointly, she also felt that some of these
new procedures were wrong and inefficient.

Naomi decided to try out the three-step plan to deal with

Marie. She had to summon up a significant amount of
courage to do this because it meant going completely
against her instinct. The first thing she did was arrange a
meeting with Marie. She explained beforehand that the
reason for the meeting was to talk about the most recent
new procedure Marie had introduced.

Step 1 was easy for Naomi – all she had to do was look
Marie in the eye, listen and take in exactly what she said.
She didn’t even have to invite Marie to speak because she
immediately launched into justifying why she’d introduced
the new procedure. Naomi also made a point of taking some
notes while Marie was speaking. They were just far enough
away from each other so that Marie couldn’t read them.
Naomi noticed her looking down at them every now and
then. This made her feel more confident; she was sure she
detected a sense of unease in Marie’s behaviour.
Step 2 was harder – Naomi had to deliver her points; this
was against her natural inclinations. She waited until Marie
had finished. She finished the note she was taking and
looked up. She let the silence extend. Just as she sensed
Marie was about to start talking again, she spoke up. She
started by summarising what Marie had said (her notes were
helpful here). She explained clearly why she felt the
procedure wasn’t working and suggested another solution.
At one point Marie tried to interrupt. Naomi said very
assertively, ‘I’ve listened carefully to your points – I would
like to finish explaining mine please.’ Marie stopped talking
immediately.

Naomi didn’t let Marie interrupt until she’d finished. They

then had a discussion. Naomi was clear in her mind right
from the start that she wouldn’t give in. She’d thoroughly
researched her argument and was prepared to stand up for
it. She was surprised to see that after a while, Marie backed
down and, believe it or not, accepted it.

Step 3 went well too – Naomi kept the initiative by

explaining she didn’t feel it was in the best interests of the
team for Marie to make decisions without involving her. She
proposed that from now on they meet once a week so that
they could manage the team more effectively together. Marie
seemed a little wary of this idea but agreed to it in the
interests of the team.

Naomi found that subsequently, over time, her working

relationship with Marie improved. It was never fantastic but
the change in her approach to dealing with the conflict with
Marie made a huge difference. Marie started to get used to
this and in time even admitted privately that she respected
Naomi more for it and found it easier to work with her
because she ‘knew where she stood with her’.
These tips should also help you to stop conflict escalating when you
encounter it:

Ask yourself whether it really matters that much – in other words, is it

worth getting into an argument. What’s the worst case scenario?
Change the subject – stop talking about it.
Don’t repeat it to others to make you feel better or just to get it off
your chest.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes – see it from their side.
Choose not to associate with negative people or people who argue for
argument’s sake.
Focus on fact, not emotion.
Clear your mind. Get out of the environment, go for a walk or do some
physical exercise.
Compliment the person. Some people are very susceptible; you might
find that just being nice can help you to win the argument or get your
way.
Acknowledge that you’ve heard the other person’s point of view. Some
people just need to know that you’re listening and you understand their
concerns.
Use open-ended, not closed questions. An open-ended question invites
discussion, a closed question invites a yes or no answer. For example:
Open-ended question – ‘How did you think that meeting went?’
Closed question – ‘Did you think that meeting went well?’
Manage the person’s expectations; don’t promise you can do
everything. If you say you’ll do something, make sure you can and
will do it. You’ll gain more respect and people will know where they
stand with you.
Email – don’t send emotionally charged or angry emails. Try to deal
with the issue face to face. If you have no choice and must reply to
someone by email, try writing the email first but not sending it. Have a
break and cool down, then have another look at it. Don’t send it until it
is written in a controlled and professional way. It could backfire on
you otherwise.
Sleep on it – it’s amazing how a night’s sleep can put a different
perspective on a disagreement.
Have no fear!
There should be no need for you to fear conflict at home or at work from
now on. You’ll feel more confident to deal with disagreement if you try to
see it as something that’s bound to happen from time to time – you might
not be able to stop it happening but you can deal with it. Approach it as a
natural phenomenon that’s part of life. It’s a fact that people behave and
think differently and therefore, on occasions, they’ll disagree with each
other.

That’s actually a good and positive thing – if we were all the same, we
would progress as a race of people at a much slower rate. It’s proven, for
instance, that the most successful teams are the ones with the most diverse
mix of personalities, knowledge and intelligence. The key to real success is
understanding how to turn any differences of opinion (conflict) into
agreement and effective action.

If you really think about it and try to analyse why conflict occurs, more
often than not you’ll come to the conclusion that it stems from differences
in personal style and approach. A disagreement may start as a result of
differences in opinion but the escalation to conflict often comes as a result
of differences in behaviour and personal style. In extreme cases the
differences in opinion are completely forgotten and the clashes in style and
behaviour take over as the core conflict issue itself.

Expect disagreements to happen. Your challenge is to

deal calmly with each situation so that it doesn’t escalate
to conflict. Remember the three key steps: Wait, Deliver,
Take the initiative.

Are you just plain shy?

Another common denominator between confidence at home and at work is
shyness.
A lot of the people I meet on confidence-building courses describe
themselves as ‘shy’. They struggle to come forward to speak both at home
and at work. Overcoming shyness isn’t difficult but it does require
discipline, preparation and courage. In other words, it requires a number of
the tips and behaviours already mentioned in the book. Put these into effect
and you’ll find it easier to deal with your tendency to feel shy.

‘You gain strength, experience and confidence through every experience

where you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you
cannot do.’

Eleanor Roosevelt

Jenny

Jenny had two young children at primary school. Being shy,

she found it hard to talk to the other mums at the school
gate. It got to the stage where, at pick-up time at the end of
the school day, she’d find herself hiding in her car watching
all the other parents chatting in the playground waiting for
the kids to come out.

The situation got worse and worse; as the other parents got
to know each other better, she knew no one. It got so bad
that she ended up getting out of her car as the kids came
out, picking them up, talking to no one and driving home.
This went on for a whole year! Of course, the longer she
didn’t talk to people, the harder it became to strike up a
conversation.

It wasn’t until her seven-year-old daughter Daisy asked her

why she never talked to any of her friends’ parents that she
realised she had to do something about it.
So she booked a confidence course and that’s how I met
her.

After the course she had a plan which she put into practice
straight away. It required discipline, preparation and
courage.

1. Discipline

Firstly, Jenny vowed to herself that never again would she

sit in her car waiting for the children. She would force
herself to talk to at least one person every day at the school
gate. Ideally, each day she would choose a different person
so that she started to get to know people more quickly.

2. Preparation

Secondly, she prepared. She worked out what she was

going to say while she was on her way to the school in the
car. The things she thought of revolved around topics she’d
have in common with other parents – for example, school
clubs, sporting events, etc. She also prepared in her mind.
In other words, she psyched herself up. This was probably
the most important part of her preparation because it was
mainly her fear of talking to the other parents that was
holding her back. Lastly she prepared by visualising herself
actually doing it confidently. By the time she got to the
school she was ready.

3. Courage

Thirdly, she acted. When she arrived at the school, she

looked at the parents waiting at the gate and decided on the
person she would talk to. She had the topics at the forefront
of her mind.

She courageously and confidently got out of her car, walked

to the gate with her shoulders back and head up and went
 through with it. The first day it was a major challenge just
walking up to the person (Jenny even described it as
‘embarrassing’). The second day, it became a little easier,
the third day even easier. By the end of the first week she’d
struck up a conversation with five different parents. The
next week, one of the parents even came up to her for a
chat! And on it went.

Of course, introducing herself to other parents wasn’t just

good for her, it benefited her children too; they saw their
mum behaving more ‘normally’ and it opened up more
opportunities for them to go round to their friends’ houses
to play. Even better, they got invited to more birthday
parties!

Jenny overcame her fear of talking to other parents in the playground. The
same principles apply whenever you have a fear of doing something: you’ll
need discipline, preparation and courage.

So, the time has come to show your confident self …

Make an immediate difference At Work:

Speak up more in meetings, never leave without contributing.

Offer to do that presentation, don’t wait to be asked.
Show an active interest in others; get yourself round the office more.
Hold yourself confidently; use charismatic body language around the
workplace.
Be assertive; say what you’re thinking when you’ve got a point to
make.
Liven up; show some energy and a degree of urgency to get things
done.
Be decisive; stand up and be counted.

Make an immediate difference At Home:

 Widen your circle of friends; socialise with positive, not negative
people.
Be active; keep healthy and fit.
Get your priorities right; make sure you have a balance between work
and recreation.
Get motivated; ensure you’re getting what you need.
Enjoy life; do something for yourself every now and then.
Achieve more; set personal objectives.
Don’t hide; take the initiative at social events.

Approach this in simple terms. Use the GARMS principle (Figure 8.6). It’s
self-explanatory. It works.

Figure 8.6 The GARMS principle

Chapter 8

Consider the four key elements to life and find the right
balance.
It matters if you’re messy and disorganised; it can have
a negative impact on how people see you.
Help yourself to stay confident by keeping healthy and
fit.
Personal motivation and drive are essential to keeping a
confident frame of mind.
Know your natural conflict style. What’s your ‘default’
position when under pressure?
Have the courage to use the right style for the right
conflict situation.
Decide on a plan for dealing with difficult people.
If you’re shy, adopt DPC: discipline, preparation,
courage.
In this chapter you will learn:

a range of systems for remembering numbers

easy ways to learn everyday digits: TV channels, times, dates, prices,
PINs …
the skills involved in putting names to faces
simple techniques for helping other people to remember you
how to manage your life by linking numbers to names

You’re not alone: everyone finds numbers and names hard to remember.
Numbers are abstract ideas, hard to hold on to, easily confused. Names are
arbitrary labels that can be too common, too rare, too complicated or just
too straightforward to stay in your head. Both are often presented in the
worst ways imaginable: a long phone-number called out across a busy
office; five new names fired at you around a restaurant table. And both are
particularly frustrating because they have such a major impact on your life.

Just think – if you could cope with numbers, you’d be able

to:

remember meeting times, appointment dates, birthdays,

anniversaries
make better judgements about prices, negotiate more
favourable deals
save time making phone calls, following directions, finding
addresses
recall DIY measurements, recipe amounts, clothes sizes
learn history dates, geography statistics, science facts,
literary references

If you knew how to learn names, you could:

strengthen your relationships with colleagues at work

 improve your networking skills and make powerful new
contacts
feel more confident in social situations
boost your knowledge about famous figures, past and
present
make sure other people remember you for all the right
reasons

And if you were brilliant with them both, you’d be able to

bring a new level of order to every area of your life: linking
people to their birthdays; connecting names and addresses,
ages, phone-numbers, order references, team positions;
recalling whom to meet in which office at what time …

The benefits of knowing numbers and names are clear; but so too are the
dangers of forgetting them. If you’ve ever sent something to the wrong
address, bought a piece of furniture that was just too big, missed an
important appointment, forgotten a special birthday or anniversary or made
a mistake about something as clear cut as someone’s name … then you’ll
know how embarrassing, frustrating and costly it can be to let these
particular ‘prizes’ slip through the net.

Memory is what tells a man that his wife’s birthday was yesterday.

Mario Rocco

This chapter is about getting to grips with some of the hardest-to-hold

information. It will provide you with practical strategies for storing these
vital details; show you how to make the most of everything else you’ve
learnt about your memory; and give you a wide range of applications so that
you can start putting your new-found confidence to use.

You can do it. You’ve already seen clear evidence of your memory’s
phenomenal power. You’ve proved that strategies and systems can have a
revolutionary impact on your learning. Now you’re ready to get your brain
in gear and master numbers and names once and for all.
Numbers
Systems for remembering numbers have been around for centuries, and they
all work on the same basic principle: that numbers are hard because they’re
intangible and abstract, so to make them easier you need to make them
mean something. We do that naturally when we spot familiar number-facts
or find patterns that suggest some sort of meaningful design. Number
systems simply give you a way to do it quickly and easily every time.

Number rhymes
Rhyme has played an important role in the history of number learning. As
well as individual verses, like: ‘In sixteen hundred and sixty-six, London
burned like rotten sticks’, a very specific strategy has been around for
centuries that uses rhyme to make numbers so much more memorable.

Instead of thinking of abstract ideas – ‘one, two, three’ – you use rhymes to
give you concrete images: ‘bun’, ‘shoe’, ‘tree’. These can be used as ‘pegs’
for other bits of information, or the images themselves can be linked into
pairs or larger sets, connected to other kinds of information, organised into
imaginative stories or arranged around journeys of the mind.

The Number Rhyme System is quick to learn and it delivers immediate

results. It can struggle with longer lists or large sets of numbers, but it’s a
useful strategy to have up your sleeve, and a good way to see what happens
when you turn numbers into pictures.

Start by setting up ten rhyming images. Here are some suggestions, but it’s
your memory, so use rhymes that are going to work for you.

1. sun, bun, gun

2. shoe, loo, goo
3. key, tree, sea
4. door, saw, war
5. hive, jive, drive
6. bricks, sticks, tricks
7. heaven, Devon, Evan
8. skate, gate, Kate
 9. wine, vine, mine
10. hen, pen, wren

For digit learning you’ll also need 0: so how about ‘port’ for nought or
‘hero’ for zero?

So you simply choose your favourite rhyme for each of the numbers, zero
to 10. Then, whenever you want to learn a numbered list, you have a ready-
made row of ‘pegs’ on which all the items can be hung. And to remember
numbers themselves, you’ve got some very clear pictures to use instead.

The seven steps to building strong memories still hold

true. Plan what you’re going to do with the images,
visualise them with as much personal, powerful detail
attached as possible, organise them in effective ways –
and then practise with them until the memories are fixed.

Learning a list
To learn the following inventory of household objects …

lamp   TV   bath   vase   bed   curtains   computer
dishwasher   fridge   toaster

… simply create a strong mental picture for each one and link it to the
appropriate number image, using the sort of connections that form the
organising structure of your memory stories. One thing can be joined to
another, or transform into it, explode to release it, smash into it, play with it,
eat it … Remember to include all your senses, to imagine your own
reactions to what’s going on, and to exaggerate every memorable detail.

Here are some ideas:

  1 lamp: if your rhyme for ‘1’ was ‘sun’, you could imagine the lamp
 burning as brightly as the sun itself. If you’d chosen ‘bun’, you might
design your lamp to look exactly like a delicious currant bun.

  2 TV: smashing the TV with a shoe, a show about loos, or a TV-set
covered in sticky goo.

  3 bath: perhaps there’s a tiny key floating in your bath, or a tree growing
up through the water.

  4 vase: open the door and knock a priceless vase to the floor, or picture
the vase painted with vivid scenes of war.

  5 bed: a tiny bed for every bee in the hive; a jive competition being held
on your bed; or the bed being moved from the bedroom to sit in the
middle of the drive …

Now it’s your turn. Have a go with the next five items on the list.

  6 curtains

  7 computer

  8 dishwasher

  9 fridge

10 toaster

When you’ve designed your five image links and given yourself a couple of
minutes to practise, see how many of the original ten objects you can
remember, using the number-rhyme ‘pegs’ to organise your creative ideas.
Can you go through the whole list, backwards as well as forwards? What
was the eighth item? What came before the curtains?
 Just like memory journeys, the number-rhyme system
lets you use one memory to trigger another. Each image
hooked on to one of the ten pegs can be the starting-
point for a scene or story designed to store as much
information as you like. The bun-shaped lamp might fall
over into a luxurious chocolate cake and have to be
prised out with a long stick of celery. After being
smashed by your shoe, what if the TV set started leaking
litres of coffee on to the carpet – with juicy green olives
floating in it? The key could be floating in a bath full of
strawberry jam, and a passing chicken might get its feet
stuck … until it pulled on a long sausage and dragged
itself free – only to fall into a huge pot of sugar …
Suddenly, ‘3’ isn’t just bath, it’s also strawberry jam,
chicken, sugar … and you’ve got a detailed shopping list
that you won’t forget in a hurry!

Learning numbers
Your friend’s new house number is 48, so you might imagine them holding
a saw with a pair of skates hanging from the end.

Rob’s extension number is 72, so you could visualise a heavenly shoe

sitting on his desk: bright white, decorated with angels and haloes.

Your top price in the negotiations is £56,000, so perhaps you imagine

hitting a hive with sticks, releasing the bees, being stung … and the pictures
in your mind would help you to avoid being stung for real.

Have a go yourself. Check you have ten images based on number rhymes,
then use them to learn the following facts.

You need to go to a meeting in room 39.

The security code on your bank card is 924.

The prize is behind door number 6.

Your hotel room is 1875.

Your favourite TV show is starting now on channel 606.

Sometimes the basic pictures will work fine, but you can
always be creative about the way you interpret the
rhymes. The number 7 starts as ‘heaven’, but it might
also be ‘heavenly’, ‘heaven-sent’, angels, haloes, fluffy
clouds … The number 2 could be any kind of footwear.
Zero might turn into the super-hero of your choice, a
costume or gadget – or even one of his special powers.
So 720 could be an angel wearing shoes decorated with
pictures of Superman, a cloud holding up a ballet shoe
and a utility belt, or a heavenly shoemaker leaping
between tall buildings.

Did you know?

With a bit of creative thinking you can write sentences
that represent long sequences of numbers. There’s a
technique called the Word Length System in which you
simply choose words with particular numbers of letters,
then weave them into memorable sentences and stories.
Zero is a bit of a problem, but you can solve it by using a
ten-letter word or including some other agreed detail –
maybe just a word beginning with z. To learn the serial
number on your bike, 45597, you might use a memorable
phrase like: ‘lock every night, defeating thieves’.
‘Contains my precious yesterdays’ could be how you
remember the combination lock on your secret diary:
8280.
The Major System
French mathematician and astronomer Pierre Herigone invented this
memory system back in the 1600s, but it’s been developed over the
centuries and used by people all around the world. The idea is that each
digit is represented by a designated consonant or consonants, which can be
turned into words and phrases by including the vowels of your choice. And
once you’ve got meaningful words to work with, rather than tricky, abstract
numbers, the rest of your memory skills can do their thing.

The most common version of the Major System looks like this:

0: s, z or soft c: z is the first letter of the word ‘zero’, and the other
consonants here sound similar.

1: d or t: like the number 1, these letters both have one downstroke.

2: n: like 2, it has two downstrokes.

3: m: this time both the number and its letter have three downstrokes.

4: r: the last letter of ‘four’; and 4 and R are almost mirror images.

5: l: in the system of Romal numerals, L stands for 50.

6: j, sh, soft ch, dg, zh and soft g: a handwritten j looks like a 6 – and g like
a 6 upside down.

7: k, hard c, hard g, hard ch, q or qu: there are two 7s in a K.

8: f or v: a handwritten f looks like an 8, and v sounds similar.

9: b or p: b looks like 9 rotated, p could be a mirror-image 9, and the two

letters have a similar sound.

The Major System is phonetic: sound-based. Spellings don’t matter because

it’s the consonant sounds of a word that give you its number code.
So the number 974190 could be learnt as BiG ReD BuS.

Castle holds the numbers 705 (CaSL).

To remember that your car is parked in bay 31 you might picture it covered
in MuD.

To learn the first eight digits of Pi, you could use the Major System to give
you MeTeoR TaiL PiNK: 3.1415927.

Don’t get confused by double letters. The real word

you’ve chosen may need them to be spelt correctly, but if
they make one sound they should only represent one
number. For example, the word bliss would be used to
remember 950, not 9500. For 9500, blue seas would work
perfectly. Kill is 75, not 755; but 755 could be Kill Lee.

The Major System takes a bit of learning but it’s a very powerful way of
memorising specific numbers, allowing you to create strong images and to
connect them directly to your subject matter. It can be a bit complicated and
time consuming for everyday number learning, but it’s great for longer
numbers – especially the ones you want to learn long term.

To see if the Major System might work for you, try using it to memorise the
following information.

Remember the key steps:

Turn each digit into a consonant from the list.

Group the consonants into real words, inserting vowels as necessary.
Create strong images for the words you’ve chosen.
Find ways to link these images with the numbers you started with.

Your new fridge can’t be wider than 67 cm.

The antique vase was made in 1743.

Your mother-in-law’s birthday is 24/11.

The catalogue code for your new television is 349658302.

And what about the other way round? See how quickly you can change the
following images back into the numbers that count.

Every time you press the buttons on the security door at work, you imagine
hearing an EVIL LION. So, what’s the code?

Think what would happen if you had NO PROOF that your credit card
actually belonged to you. What’s your PIN?

When you want to phone your friend Alice, you think about her wearing an
OLD BLUE SHEET – so what’s her number?

(The answers, by the way, are 8552, 2948 and 519561.)

If you need to remember lots of two-digit numbers (like

birth years, Bingo calls, football squad numbers) or long
number sequences, it’s a good idea to invest some time
in developing your own double-digit system. You could
easily use the Major System’s number/letter
combinations to turn every two-digit number into a
familiar person, giving you a powerful, ready-made
image for every pair of numbers, and instantly cutting
your workload in half.

You might decide to turn 00 into Steven Spielberg

01 could be Sammy Davis Jr

19: Tweety Pie

 36: Michael Jackson

64: Julia Roberts

77: King Kong

It’s great memory training to design and rehearse your

own system and then put it into practice, turning pairs of
numbers into people that can be incorporated in any of
your other memory techniques.

Number shapes
This strategy is popular because it’s easy to remember the key images, but
they can all be extended to provide a wide range of possibilities.

Each of the ten digits has a main image based on the way it looks. Here’s
one set of ideas, but you can easily customise it to suit the way you see
numbers – as long as each image is different from all the others.

0 looks like a ball

1 is the same shape as a pencil

2 could be a swan

3 on its side resembles hills

4 might suggest the sail on a yacht

5 looks like a sharp hook

6 tipped forward might be a cannon

7 resembles a lamp

8 could be a snowman
9 looks like a lollipop

You can use these ready-made images for remembering straightforward

information like:

House numbers
Picturing a swan sitting on your aunt’s doorstep holding a pencil in its beak
would remind you that she lives at number 21.

Measurements
Seeing a snowman sailing a boat across your kitchen table would remind
you that it’s 84 cm wide.

Statistics
Imagining a cannon on the banks of the Amazon shooting doves over
snowmen playing football … would tell you that this river’s length is 6280
km.

You can also expand the main images to give you more options. As well as
being a ball, 0 could be any kind of sporting equipment: golf club, tennis
racket, bike helmet. For 3 you could go beyond hills to think about anything
in the countryside: trees, flowers, rabbits. The number 6 could be more sorts
of weaponry than just a cannon: crossbow, slingshot, atomic bomb … Just
make sure that any extra ideas you pick are clearly connected to a number’s
main ‘theme’.

For longer sequences of numbers, make it easier to write

memory stories by including verbs and adjectives as
well as nouns. With practice you can create concentrated
stores of detailed information.

The number 2 could be a bird, aeroplane or kite – or the

action of flying, floating or gliding.
 You might want to visualise 7 as a lamp, torch or candle
– or ‘bright’, ‘shiny’ or ‘hot’.
If you needed to know the security code 2170674, you
could tell yourself a story about a penguin (2) writing (1)
on a glowing (7) golfball (0) and then firing it (6) into the
hot (7) sea (4). Stretch your creative brain and start
turning numbers into the most varied, rich and
memorable stories imaginable.

When you know how to handle numbers, you can add them to other
collections of information.

Improve your passwords

Make your passwords more secure by inserting seemingly random numbers.
If you’ve chosen the password myfriends for your social networking
website, and you’re already used to visualising a group picture of your
friends on the computer screen, you could now imagine the person on the
left holding a beach-ball (0) and the one on the right trying to spike it with a
hook (5). Now your password is 0myfriends5: much safer!

Add extra detail to your life planning

Remember the to-do list you learnt in Chapter 5? Rather than just
remembering to go to the bank, you could now leave yourself a reminder to
withdraw £40 (a wet tennis ball on the bank teller’s desk) from account
number 7523 (a glowing hook stuck into a floating tree in the lobby).
You’ve already got multi-layered imagery to remind you about Scott’s
birthday card, and now you can include a reminder about his address (a
lollipop (9) and a rose (3) sticking out of the model castle on the card). He
lives at 93 Castle Street.

Personal numbers
Lots of other numbers you need to know – birthdays, phone extensions,
team numbers – are linked to people; so, to learn them, you need sound
strategies for remembering names. And names are a very powerful example
of the complexities of memory. The names you know well are some of the
easiest things to recall, but new names can be hard to hold in your head
even for a few seconds. Your right brain helps you to recognise faces
you’ve seen before; your left brain should lead you to the details of their
name; but bringing the two sides together – often under time pressure and
amidst a range of distractions – can be frustratingly hard.

Did you know?

Context is particularly significant when you’re trying to
remember names. Memory relies a great deal on
expectation. You know you’re likely to meet your
colleague Sarah in the corridors at work, but when you
bump into her in the middle of town it’s so much harder
to remember who she is, let alone what she’s called. We
also expect people to look a certain way – so any
changes in hairstyle or clothing can play havoc with our
memory. It’s one of the reasons why people are so hard
to remember: they change location and appearance, and
your natural memory needs lots of artificial help.

Expecting to forget
Another reason why names are so tricky is that we try to learn them in the
worst possible conditions. Your memory training should have shown you
the importance of taking control: deciding to use your memory well,
making a clear plan about how to do it, and utilising your whole brain to fix
information firmly in your mind. But when it comes to learning names, all
too often we:

assume it’s going be impossible

do nothing to improve the quality of the information that’s given to us
rely on nothing more than our natural recall

No wonder names prove to be such a problem.

The solution is contained in the seven steps of memory making. Now more
than ever you need clear strategies for taking charge of challenging
situations, and active learning techniques to get your brain working
brilliantly.

Remembering names
Step 1: Deciding
You have to assume that you’re going to remember the names you come
across and the people you meet: not just by trying harder, but by doing it
better. You need to concentrate from the start and put in the right sort of
effort – and you need to prepare yourself to find the space and time to do it
properly. Going into any name-learning situation, you’ve got to be very
clear about what you want to get out of it, and what you’re going to do to
make your memory work.

Step 2: Strategising
Your strategy for success needs to kick in the moment you hear someone’s
name – because, unless you listen carefully, your memory really doesn’t
stand a chance. It’s hard enough to stop and focus on the names we read,
but in real-life situations they’re often fired at us so quickly or quietly or
while we’re so busy shaking hands or thinking of something to say that
they’re extremely hard to take in. At business events or on social occasions
there are usually numerous other distractions, too: in the room around us,
but also within us – nerves, excitement, our eagerness to please … Even
when we’re just reading names in a document our brains are often too busy
with other things to take much notice. So the first stage of remembering
people has to be looking and listening, concentrating on a name, actively
taking it on board and starting to do something with it. It’s an area of
learning where we can often be extremely strategic, choosing exactly whom
to remember – and how.
 Be interested in names, ask how they’re spelt, what they
mean. Repeat them immediately: ‘Hello Chris, really nice
to meet you.’ Hear the name, look at the person, and tell
yourself that you’re going to put together a memory that
will last.

Step 3: Personalising
Some of the things that make name learning hard – like the emotional
strains involved in meeting people – can be turned round and used to your
advantage. As you meet someone new, consciously consider how you feel.
Say their name in your head as you think: do I like this person? Are they
attractive? Is what they’re saying interesting? Would they make a good
colleague, friend, partner … ? Set up connections through feelings and
you’re much more likely to recall the meeting, but you’ll also be creating
mental links to their name – especially when you focus on what the moment
‘means’, and on your reasons to remember.

Step 4: Visualising
As well as looking at the person in front of you, look at their name – in your
mind’s eye. Picture it written across their face or picked out in a neon sign
hanging above their head. Imagine what their signature might look like.
Whether you’re reading a name on paper or seeing it in your head, treat it
just as you would any other word: as a collection of letters and sounds that
can provide you with memorable possibilities. What does the name sound
like or look like? Do particular syllables suggest objects, people, places?
Are there words-within-words that could give you useful associations?
Unpick names to reveal images that you can work with. For example:

Harry Floris
Harry looks and sounds like hairy. Floris is very similar to florid, red-faced;
and to florist, a flower-seller. The first syllable of his surname sounds like
floor, but it also looks like flow. Flow rice? Rice flowing across the floor?
The name Flo is in there, along with Lori – and Rolf, backwards: perhaps
the people being swept away by the flow … ?
Angela MacDonald
There’s an angel in Angela, maybe one with gel in its hair. The Mac could
be a raincoat. Donald might get you thinking of Donald Duck, or another
famous Don: Johnson, Quixote, Corleone …

Step 5: Exaggerating
As soon as you’ve extracted some image ideas, make them important.
Imagine they’re part of this moment, revealing key aspects about this
person in front of you and providing you with big clues about who they are.
Ask yourself questions and exaggerate the answers – along with everything
else that you start seeing in your mind’s eye.

Why is this red-faced man taking his flowery shirt off so

flamboyantly? To show you his hairy chest. The hairs reach to the
floor, which also seems to be covered in rice, flowing around you and
hairy Harry Floris.
Why has this woman got a halo hanging over her gelled-back hair?
Imagine she’s holding a mac that seems to be wrapped around a
writhing, quacking duck. Clearly Angela MacDonald has a very
famous character in her heavenly raincoat! As always, make the
imagery bold and bright, funny, strange, violent, surprising – and
powerfully memorable.

Step 6: Organising
On paper or in person, names need to be connected to their owners. You’ve
already started this process by using your feelings about them, picturing
their names imprinted on them and visualising strange and memorable
things happening to them. Even just reading the name of a party host or
conference delegate should get you linking imagery with a real character –
even one you’ve never actually seen.

If you’re learning names on paper, connect the images

you create to what the real person could look like or
 might be expected to do.

Your new colleague is called Fred Bloom. Imagine him

walking into your office wearing bright red clothes and
carrying a bunch of blooming flowers. Maybe he’s half
red, half blue (for Bloom). Why does he seem so worried
about finding the loo? As he sits down at his desk, why
is he setting up a loom?
If you learnt that Henry the Eighth’s first wife was called
Catherine of Aragon, you could imagine her doing
something with a cat and a rag, being arrogant, getting
into a rage … put her into a scene alongside her
infamous husband … and set up memorable images
even before you found out anything more about her.

But when you’ve got the real person in front of you there’s so much more
you can do to connect them with their name. As well as seeing them act out
the images you’ve designed, you can use the way they look and the things
they’re wearing to help you.

Lookalikes
Does this person remind you of someone else? It could be a famous face or
a family member, but it makes sense to use any resemblance they have to
someone you already know. What if they were really that other person in
disguise? How would that make you feel, and how might it change the
things you imagine?

If your new neighbour Andy Webster happens to look like Elvis, you
could imagine him using his huge hands (Andy) to stir the webs
(Webster) on his garden fence – dressed in a Las Vegas jumpsuit and
gyrating his hips like the King. When you next bumped into him,
you’d have the Elvis connection to take you straight to the images
based on his name. You’d still be able to get there by picturing him
standing by his fence, and you’d still have the ‘fake’ recollection of
how you felt when you saw his cleaning and dancing in action; but
 you’d also be using his physical appearance as a direct link into your
multi-layered memory for Andy Webster.
Maybe your colleague Helen Martino looks like the Queen of England.
Imagine this really is the Queen in disguise, arriving at your office in a
royal limousine decorated with devils and fiery furnaces (images of
hell for Helen) and drinking from a huge Martini cocktail (Martino).
Look for clues in the jewellery she’s wearing (are those miniature
crowns on her necklace?) or in the way she walks (like she’s in a regal
parade?) that will remind you of the royal connection. Even away from
the context of your office her appearance should trigger you to think
about a very memorable mental scene: this Queen lookalike in a
hellish car drinking Martinis … Helen Martino.

Don’t forget how important location is to memory. If

you’re ever struggling to remember the name of
someone you’ve met, think carefully about where you
were when you last saw them. Focus on the exact part of
the room, building or town; see the two of you standing
there; but also imagine what you could see from that
spot, using every available detail to reconnect you with
the memory.

Features and fashions

Like a caricaturist painting an exaggerated portrait, highlight any details
that you could emphasise in your memory and use as links to someone’s
name. Temporary ‘hooks’ might be details of clothing, jewellery, make-up
or hairstyle; but you can find more permanent links in face-shape, nose-
size, birth-marks, height – anything that you’d be sure to notice about the
person in question when you met them again.

If Amira Khan had a very round face, you could imagine her looking
at herself in a very round mirror (Amira) made out of tin cans (Khan).
 If Rick Carpenter was particularly tall, you might imagine him using
his carpentry skills to build an incredibly high wooden shelf to hold all
his model rickshaws.

Step 7: Practising
You need to start practising new names straight away, while the real
person’s still there in front of you. Make sure you drop their name into
conversation a few times, but you can also be saying it ‘aloud’ in your own
head, getting used to how it sounds and building up the association with its
owner. At the same time you’ll be creating the images and links that will
keep this person in your mind for the long term; so, while you’re talking to
them, run through the triggers you’ve set up and practise following the
images and associations that take you back to their name.

Try out these techniques for yourself on the following

names.

With this first set, practise creating memorable images and

connecting them to the people in question.

Your travel agent is Doug Reddy.

The party is being hosted by Maddie Tan.

Your new neighbours are Bart and Sue White.

With the next group of names, create images for them all
and then fix them into the first five loci of a memory journey.

Lily Sato    Jake Moody    Rowan Carter    Imogen

Fox    Carlo Mancini

Put these strategies into practice in your everyday life and see what a
difference they make. If you follow the steps carefully, you’ll start
remembering people for long enough to do something more permanent with
their names: putting them in your diary, adding them to your phonebook or
filing them mentally in stories and journeys.

And because you know how name learning works, you can start activating
memories about you.

To give other people the best chance of remembering

you …

Introduce yourself clearly – and make sure they’ve

heard.
Help them to visualise your name by mentioning how it’s
spelt or what it means.
Give them information about you that’s easy to picture.
Talk about logical details and imaginative ideas to
activate both sides of their brain.
Give people reasons to remember you. What’s in it for
them to learn your name?
Back up their natural memory with business cards,
thankyou letters or follow-up emails.

In the next chapter you’ll learn more about using memory techniques to
affect other people’s memories: writing unforgettable exam answers, giving
powerful presentations, making the best possible impact in interviews. But
first, to round off Chapter 8 …

Names with numbers

It’s time to bring together the two main themes of this chapter: connecting
names to numbers. This skill will also feature in many of the high-pressure
memory challenges to come; but for now, you need to see how easy it is to
link numbers to names.
Carol Wu lives in apartment 702.

Imagine a carol singer trying to woo Carol Woo at her apartment. She has
nothing to wear for a date – until a heavenly hero gives her some beautiful
shoes. In the Number Rhyme System, heaven/hero/shoe = 702.

Leon Morales’ date of birth is 23.06.71.

Perhaps you picture a lion (Leon) shouting for ‘more ales’ (Morales) at
Leon Morales’ birthday party, wearing a gnome’s jacket (because, in the
Major System, NoMeS JaKeT = 230671) There’s plenty going on in this
scene, but every detail is clear – and memorable, when you put all your
training into action.

Use everything you know about memory – and both sides of your brilliant
brain – to remember that …

Tom Fischer’s extension number is 849.

Holly Santos owes you £458.

Rocky Singh has ordered 26 TVs and 15 DVD players.

Lola O’Neil was born on 15.09.78.

… then cover up the information and test your brilliant memory for
numbers and names.

Abstract numbers and names are easy to forget – but

can be made memorable.
Number systems let you turn digits into images and fix
them in your mind.
To remember people, create powerful links between
names and faces.
Use your memory training to help other people
remember you.
Link numbers and names to store key details about all
the people in your life.
PART 2
Business

Our business titles cover all kinds of management and career issues to help
you get where you need to be.

This section includes chapters on tough interview questions, negotiations,

presentations, networking and selling.

So, if you want to:

Deal with awkward questions from mean interviewers

Learn how to haggle
Give your best in presentations
Discover how to strike up conversation with strangers and avoid
awkward pauses when networking
Focus on asking the right questions at the right time to the right person
when selling your service/product

... then read on!

This chapter shows you how to handle any weak spots and tricky issues in
your career history, awkward questions, embarrassing pauses and mean
interviewers. Unless you are one of those rare people so annoying to the
rest of us, who have led a charmed life and found that every decision has
turned out well and that fortune has always smiled on them, you are likely
to have aspects of your past (be it poor examination results, a period of
unemployment, a patchy work history, poor health record, etc.) that you
don’t want to be asked about at job interviews. Yet you know that, because
these issues are part of your history, they are likely to emerge from your
CV, application form or employment and character references, so they are
likely to arouse a future employer’s curiosity. Interviewers do want an
explanation of results or circumstances that appear to contradict other
evidence of your history and character, and leave them wondering ‘Why?’

Remind yourself that you have been called for an

interview. You aren’t there just to make up the numbers,
so whatever drawbacks you think you have, they must
like what they have seen on paper.

Before preparing answers to any tricky questions that may be applicable to

you, you should remember that interviewers ask these things because they
genuinely want to know. They want to ascertain whether some weak spot
was a temporary glitch or reflects a more pervasive problem. There is a
possible second reason why you may be questioned on these ‘Achilles’
heels’ – interviewers know that you are likely to feel vulnerable on these
and they want to see whether you become hostile or defensive, or whether
you take the opportunity to use your skills of communication, persuasion,
analysis and calm reason to offer plausible and convincing explanations.

A brief word about truth

This book does not promise to offer a rigorous analysis of the philosophical
and moral place of truth in the competitive jungle of job hunting. It does,
however offer some common-sense advice on this subject. If you are hiding
something on your CV and/or during a job interview, you are unlikely to
communicate so effectively or to be as relaxed and natural as you would
like. Things that you have chosen not to say, fictional exam results, jobs
that you invent or references written by your mum to enhance your case
may well trip you up. Employers almost always take up references before
they employ you and if you have to hide the truth at an interview, then you
have to ask yourself how you are going to keep this up if you are the
successful candidate. Remember, also, that if an employer finds out later
that you have not been straight with them, they may use this as grounds for
dismissal or other disciplinary procedures.

This chapter covers many of the issues about which candidates feel anxious
– and some suggested ways to deal with these.

Get started by considering this sample question and model

answer. This question and answer are followed by a quick
analysis of what makes that answer a success.

Do you have any qualifications?

If you do, then this question won’t make you feel vulnerable;
if you don’t, then you want to put together a good, open,
enthusiastic response.

My main strength is in practical and relevant work

experience. I have worked in the hotel sector for seven
years and I have taken advantage of a lot of in-house
training courses. I started as a receptionist as soon as I left
school: I was impatient to be at work and earning a salary.
In my current job as assistant manager, I have had
experience of dealing with all kinds of issues, on the
 customer side and the human resources side. I would
certainly be happy to take a relevant qualification if the
opportunity arose; I think it could help me in the future and
it is always useful to take an opportunity to step back and
look at what you are doing. I don’t feel that having no
qualifications on paper has held me back so far.

Why this answer works:

It does not avoid the fact that you have no formal

qualifications, but it does avoid coming out with a surly and
forbidding ‘No’.
It moves on quickly to demonstrate a commitment to
training.
It emphasises progress up the career ladder.
It does acknowledge a bit of impatience and the possibility
of an unwise decision in the past.
It reassures that this decision has not had dire
consequences.
It expresses a positive attitude to education and learning in
the future.

Try analysing some of the answers that follow in this chapter to see why
they work. You can use the same technique when you are devising your
own model answers.

I see that you got very good GCSE results and yet your A-level
results are poor. What happened?

I was unsure of whether I wanted to stay on at school and do A levels; it

was something my parents pushed for, but my heart was not really in it. I
had become too interested in other things and I just didn’t put in the effort I
should.

(A possible follow-up question to this that could easily provoke a defensive

response might be as follows.)
 Can I take it, then, that if you don’t like something, you stop
working hard at it? What if we give you a job and you find there are
parts of it you don’t enjoy?

I have had a good work record for the past three years since I left school
and I have had no difficulty in handling routine and repetitive tasks during
that time. I have grown up a lot since I was 17 and I seem to learn better at
work, rather than in a school environment. I am doing an evening course in
website design though, and I am really enjoying that.

There appears to be an eight-month gap on your CV. What were

you doing during this time?

I had been temping for the previous two years and I really wanted
something with more of a sense of direction. With hindsight, I might have
done better to wait until I had something permanent before I gave up the
temporary work, but I really wanted to concentrate on my job search and
concentrate on it 100 per cent. I wasn’t expecting the job market to
plummet so badly during that time. I got my act together by doing a short,
intensive course in secretarial skills and was very pleased to get back into
the work environment.

You only got a third-class degree. We are really looking for someone
with a good honours degree. Why should we consider you?

(Remember, whatever they say, they have still chosen to interview you.)

Of course, I was disappointed – I had hoped for an upper second and my

first two years’ results indicated that I would achieve this. I had a lot of
personal problems during my final year which are well behind me and
sorted out now, but they did affect my result. My individual and group
project results were good and I think these developed the communication,
time management and information-gathering skills that I need for this
particular post – so I know I am strong on useful, relevant work skills.

From your CV, it looks as if you have taken six years out of the job
market. How do you think you will fit in coping with the routine and
the demands of work?

(Candidates should not have to see this as a negative area in their past, but
sometimes it can feel that way.)

Yes, I took a break from paid work to have my children and see them
settled into school. I have not had salaried employment for the past few
years, but I have actually been working very hard. Bringing up a family has
ensured I can deal with the unexpected as well as the routine and I often
work a much longer day than I did when I was in paid employment.
Besides, I certainly haven’t forgotten all the skills I used in the drawing
office. I keep up to date with the relevant trade press and, more
significantly, by doing some drawing work for friends.

Choose positive words such as ‘useful’, ‘considerable’,

‘extensive’ and ‘relevant’.

Avoid negative words and phrases such as ‘only’, ‘a

little’, ‘limited’ or ‘not much’ when describing activities
and experience.

You seem to have done a wide range of jobs that don’t meet up to
your qualifications: they are not ‘graduate’ jobs.

Getting some kind of work was more important to me than anything

else. Actually I learned a lot about myself, how much I enjoy imparting
information to people. I also discovered some gaps in my knowledge and
experience, especially about working under pressure; there is not one job I
have done that has not taught me something, even if it is only never to do
that kind of work again.

I see that you were made redundant by your last employer nine
months ago. How have you coped with this?
 It was not a complete surprise because the company had been in
financial difficulties for a while and many of us were aware that our jobs
might be under threat. Nevertheless, it was a shock and very hard at first.
I’ve always been someone with an optimistic attitude, but this field is
competitive. I enrolled on an IT course to give me some new design skills
very soon after I lost my last job and I have also been doing some voluntary
work for my local secondary school, helping with computer skills classes.
My CAD skills have certainly developed significantly since leaving my last
company and I am very eager to get back into full-time work.

You don’t think you will have lost a bit of your edge and slipped out
of the work routine during that time?

(This is one possible, rather mean, follow-up question.)

Quite the opposite. I have filled my time constructively and increased

my skills, but I really enjoyed work. I think my energy levels and
enthusiasm are on top form and I intend for them to stay that way.

I notice that you were made redundant after only eight months in a
previous post: why do you think this happened?

It was basically a last-in-first-out policy and the company folded

completely six months after I left. It was a pity; they had had some good
ideas and our design team worked well together. It was the smallest
company I had worked for and I gained a lot from having to be very
flexible.

It looks from your CV as if you haven’t had much work experience

at all – other candidates we are seeing today are likely to have had far
more.
 I did think about working for a year before I went to university and I had
intended to take on a part-time job while I was studying. In fact, my father
was very ill for a major part of my course and I ended up helping out a lot
at home and spending time with him and my family. My course was quite
practical and, as you can see, I got a good result even with all the stress
going on outside. I really believe I am capable of doing this job and doing it
well, and you do emphasise your high standard of training and induction.

It was really difficult to find the sort of work I wanted when I first left
school. I was desperate to get into something with the media and it was hard
for me to accept that that just might not be possible at that time. I did do
some voluntary work for my local hospital radio and some unpaid work
experience with two local newspapers – I guess I should have mentioned
those on my CV.

Emphasise all your valuable experience to make the best

impression. It is common for job applicants to dismiss
useful experience as irrelevant. Voluntary work, work-
shadowing, work experience and helping out with a
family business are common examples of topics that
candidates neglect.

Why did you drop out of university before you had completed your
course?

It was the wrong subject and the wrong time and place for me. I had
been reluctant to carry on with my studies and I am afraid my first-year
results showed that. The evening job I was doing at the local sports centre
was far more exciting to me and the manager was very happy with me. If I
go back to studying I want it to be part-time and I want it to be a more
practical course than the degree I started.
It is difficult when, as a candidate, you know that there are extremely
private and personal reasons that have affected an area of your life at a
particular time – it may have been a bereavement, serious illness of
someone close to you, a broken relationship or marriage, or problems
within your family at an important time during your schooling. You are
reluctant to reveal information that feels personal and private, which might
make you feel upset and your interviewer embarrassed and which quite
frankly is beyond the scope of what a prospective employer has a
reasonable right to know.

Balanced against this is your knowledge that the facts of your personal
circumstances at the time offer a legitimate and understandable explanation
for a drop in your work or academic performance. It is perfectly reasonable
to say that you were affected by difficult personal circumstances that you
would rather not discuss at an interview but, if it is something you feel
comfortable about mentioning, then do so. A family break-up during your
school examinations or a marriage falling apart just as you applied for a
promotion might be something you would rather reveal and get out of the
way. Even the least well-trained of interviewers should not then follow this
up with a run of personal and intrusive questions. It is also helpful to add a
comment suggesting that whatever a problem was it is now behind you and
is not affecting your performance any longer. That, after all, is what the
person who is contemplating paying your salary and investing in your
training and development really wants to know.

You have changed jobs frequently in the last few years. Does this
mean you get restless if you are in any job for a considerable length of
time?

Some of my recent moves have been because I have needed to relocate

to different places for personal reasons. I am now settled here and have
bought a property. Of all the jobs I have done in the past three years, I really
enjoyed my work at the finance company. I have very good references from
them and the work I was doing looks very similar to the responsibilities you
list in your advert and job spec.
 Many of those jobs were temporary anyway and my employers in those
situations were not expecting me to stay long, for example when I was
providing Christmas or holiday cover. I did not want to commit myself to a
career until I was more sure of the direction in which I wanted to go. My
temporary job in the local planning department gave me my first real
involvement with work that touched on environmental issues, and I have
done a great deal of voluntary work with urban and rural environmental
improvement projects, so I hope that demonstrates my enthusiasm and
commitment to a career with your organisation – it feels like the
opportunity I have been waiting for.

In an ideal situation I would not have chosen to change jobs so often,

but at the moment it has been easier to get short-term contracts than
anything permanent. It has certainly meant I get up to speed in new
situations very quickly, but I would prefer a more secure situation and the
opportunity to gain more management experience.

In the current economic climate many applicants will

face the situation of frequent job changing, short
contracts and periods of unemployment. Interviewers are
not picking on you when they mention it; they need to
know how you cope and what your strategies are when
you are in a disheartening position.

How have you motivated yourself to keep looking for work since
you were made redundant?

I have tried to build a lot of structure into my job hunting and the most
important thing I have done is to keep in touch with a regular network of
contacts. This not only keeps my name out there, it also keeps me in touch
with any new developments and ideas. That is how I heard that you may be
looking for someone with my experience.
 You have requested us not to approach your current employer for a
reference. Why aren’t you happy for us to do this?

My current company may be looking at some cost-cutting measures and

if they think I am looking elsewhere I may turn out to be one of them. I am
quite happy with my work there, but I have been at that level for two and a
half years now and I think the job you are offering is ideal. I feel sure I
would enjoy it, but I can’t guarantee that I shall be the successful candidate
and I don’t want to unsettle things with my current firm.

My current manager has only been in the post for three months and if he
were asked to write my reference I am not sure that he knows enough about
my work, what it entails, what my strengths are, or to be able to do justice
to my skills. I feel you would get far more relevant information from my
previous boss, for whom I worked for four and a half years.

Your reference shows that last year you had 15 days off work due to
sickness. Is this a typical annual record for you?

No, far from it. Those 15 days were all in a block and it was because I
had had an accident while on a skiing holiday. My attendance record up to
then has been good.

Apart from your annual leave entitlement and public holidays, how
many days were you absent from work last year?

Four – two were for dental surgery and the other two for an extremely
heavy cold that meant I was useless on the telephone, but I am usually
pretty hardy.

(Health records are of concern to employers. Many organisations will use a

pro forma reference request, which they send to your current employer or
your nominated referee. This form usually contains a section asking for
details of how many days you have taken off work due to sickness, so your
interviewer may already have access to accurate information on this.)

What is your time-keeping like?

 Good, I am usually the first to arrive in the mornings and I dislike being
late for a meeting, training session or anything. I think you owe it to your
colleagues as well as your manager to be punctual.

You left your last job without having another one lined up to go to.
Wasn’t that a bit risky?

Yes, I suppose it was, but I had never intended to stay in sales for that
long and it felt like the right decision. There had been a lot of changes there
recently and very few staff were happy. It takes a great deal for me to
become discouraged. But I felt my wisest option was to leave and start
looking for something else. The sales work was useful, especially dealing
with people and working under pressure – two things that I have become
very good at. I’m sure they would be valuable in your customer-support
department.

One of your references suggests that you sometimes lose your cool in
the office. What is your reaction to this?

It has happened very occasionally, but I have always been quick to

apologise if I have been unreasonable and it has certainly never happened in
front of a client. I am aware of it, so I make an effort to keep calm and
explain what is annoying or frustrating me. I think most of my colleagues
would say that, although I can be a little volatile, I am a helpful and
supportive member of the department for the vast majority of the time.

Have you ever been asked to resign?

No, but I have come close enough to it to resign of my own accord

rather than waiting to be asked. We had undergone a restructuring with a
new manager, with whom I admit I did not hit it off, and yet I had worked
successfully and productively there for ten years. I knew that cost-cutting
and streamlining measures were on the cards and I just had to accept that I
was not flavour of the month. It was hard, but it was a useful lesson and I
spent an interesting 18 months working as an independent consultant.
 No, I am pleased to say that is not an experience I have had to go
through.

Yes. It was the first job I had after I left school. I really wanted to get
into anything to do with cars and somehow I ended up working for an
insurance company – I don’t think it was ever going to work out.

Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. If you have had awful

experiences, losing jobs through no fault of your own, or
even as a result of your own actions – if this is in the
past, and won’t emerge through references – don’t
mention it.

What am I supposed to say?

Some interviewers will try to find out more about your strengths and
weaknesses by confronting you with imaginary scenarios to see just how
good you are at thinking on your feet. These questions are not designed
with one ‘right’ answer in mind, so don’t waste time agonising over the
correct solution. What your interviewer is looking for is evidence of your
common sense, your ability to take decisions under pressure and your
capacity to know your own limits.

You are the manager of a large supermarket and you receive an

anonymous telephone call saying that a number of the baby-food
products you carry have been tampered with by a protest group. How
do you react?
 I would suspect it was probably a hoax but, of course, I would take
every precaution in case it were not. If I had an assistant, I would ask them
to arrange to cordon off the baby-food aisle and see what could be done to
stop any items getting through the checkouts. I would also make a calm
announcement over the PA. I would telephone the police and also local
press and radio to begin a recall of any suspect items. If I had no assistant,
my priority would be to stop anyone buying any of the products in question
and then contact the police.

You work for a company that has been involved in secret merger
talks with another company. You are aware of this because it is your
job to know, but you don’t have any authority in these talks, or this
deal. You are the last person in the office and you get a call from a
member of the financial press saying that they have heard that this
merger is taking place. What would you do?

I would say that they would have to speak to one of the directors of the
company and that unfortunately none of them was available at the moment.
I would check the diaries and give them the earliest possible time when they
could call back. If they pressed me, I would simply repeat my previous
answer very calmly and very politely.

You run the research and development section for your company
and you have one designer in your section who is brilliant at his job,
but very difficult to work with, unpredictable, bad-tempered and
unable to conform to the company rules on many occasions. Yet there is
no doubt he helps you make a lot of money because on a good day his
ideas are brilliant. How do you deal with this?

I would have to look at whether we were losing other good staff because
of him, how likely he would be to join one of our competitors if we got rid
of him but, most importantly, whether there were things we could do to get
him to work more effectively as a member of the whole team. I would start
by talking to him and possibly involving the human resource department in
this discussion, and together we would all agree clear targets for
improvements with a specific review period. I might also offer training and
support if this seemed appropriate.
 One potential difficulty with this type of question is that
you won’t have much time to answer. Ensure you get
used to taking less time to think by getting a friend to
confront you with scenarios that they dream up (friends
are capable of being far meaner than many real live
interviewers).

Interviewers should not ask you questions about sex, religion and politics.
Indeed, many of these questions are illegal and you will find some advice
on this in the following chapter. They can, however, ask you questions
about current affairs and general knowledge. Unless you are facing a
particularly devious interviewer, these questions are not designed to reveal
your political leanings; they are designed to test your ability to express your
opinion, formulate an argument, defend a point of view. They won’t usually
pick contentious issues.

What do you think of staging the Olympic Games in London?

I think it’s great. I think it will help the economy and, if tourism starts to
decline as people become more concerned about air travel, the games might
be just what we need to keep Britain buoyant. If everything is finished on
time, it will be a good model of how we can meet challenging deadlines.

I have real reservations about it, even though I am a sports enthusiast. I

think it may be difficult to justify so much expenditure when there are so
many other demands on public and private finance. Of course, I would not
mind being proved wrong on this occasion.

Here are a few more current affairs questions to give you an opportunity to
work out your own answers.

How would you improve the public transport system in this

town/city?
 What steps would you take to integrate the student population more
effectively into the local community?

If you were suddenly given a million pounds to spend on improving

this town, how would you spend it?

How would you encourage more young people to continue with their
education?

Do you think people should be given incentives to recycle their

rubbish, or be penalised if they don’t?

Which story grabbed your attention in the news today?

What new law would you introduce?

What current law would you repeal?

How would you improve the state of the country’s finances? (Well
everyone is probably thinking about it).

Think of questions of your own, especially any that relate

to the type of work or the area of the economy in which
you are seeking work.

If you were compiling a book of significant world events of the past

decade, what events would you include?

I might try to shift the boundaries of your question a little bit and say
what movements and trends of the past decade have been the most
significant. In the longer term, I think these might have more influence than
specific events. I suppose I would include the huge expansion in global
communication, which seems to be changing so many businesses, and the
speed with which information about anything can be got around the world.
The expansion of Europe and the development of China’s economy are
likely to have long-lasting effects on world economic trends too. Of course,
heightened awareness of security issues of all kinds is probably significant
– the plans to introduce ID cards here in the UK, for example. On a
personal note, I would like to think that an increasing awareness of
environmental issues, especially energy consumption, will become a more
significant part of everyone’s thinking – at national and personal levels.

(It is OK to include personal comments in questions like this, but you do

need to exercise caution. You would not make the same comments about
global warming to an environmental pressure group as you would to an oil
company.)

If you want to make the right impression, it is especially

important to be prepared for this type of question if you
are going for a job in the media, policy development,
lobbying, etc. You may also find you face this type of
question related specifically to your own profession, e.g.
education, health, the environment, the legal system,
etc., so consider carefully the issues and talking points
within your profession.

That was mean

There are some interviews where it is not so much the questions that hit a
raw nerve with you, but problems about the interview itself: silences,
questions you just can’t answer or aggressive interviewers.

Silence may be golden – it may be a beautiful thing on a deserted beach

under a starry sky – but it loses its poetry and magic when it causes an
embarrassing void in the flow of an interview conversation. To make
matters worse, not all interview silence is the same kind of silence. There is
the silence that means you have not got a clue what to say; the silence that
means you know what the interviewer is getting at, but it is an awkward
question and you need time to think about it; or the silence where you
believe you have given a thorough, cogent and complete answer and yet
your interviewer lets you down – he or she does not respond with the next
question. In all three instances, resist the temptation to tell a joke, sing a
song or rush out of the room in tears; there are more effective ways to deal
with the situation.

If you really don’t know the answer to a question, then you should say so.
This problem is most likely to occur if you are being asked
technical/professional questions that you do not know the answers to at this
stage, or if you are being asked to provide factual information of some kind.

I am sorry, but that isn’t an area I am familiar with at present, so I can’t

really give you any details on that.

I am not familiar with that particular data management system, though I

would imagine it is quite similar to others that I have used and I am usually
quick to get to grips with new systems.

I am sorry, but I haven’t come across that particular term before. Would
you mind clarifying it for me?

I am afraid that is an area we did not cover on the course, but it is

something I am very keen to learn more about.

I’m afraid that isn’t a situation I have ever had to deal with, but I believe
I would deal with it in the following way.

(Then go on to give specific details.)

That is a new area for me, so I am afraid I can’t really answer that, but I
enjoy acquiring new knowledge and I do learn quickly.
 That is not an area with which I am very familiar at the moment, but I
see from your recruitment brochure that you offer a thorough induction
programme and training opportunities, so I would like to take advantage of
one of these if I were to be offered a position with you.

I am not familiar with that legislation, but it is something I would make

sure I brought myself up to speed on very quickly if you were to offer me
this job.

I have never used that software before, but I would be happy to do any
necessary training either through your training department or on an external
course if that was more appropriate.

Make a good impression by being straightforward, by

emphasising your ability to find out answers to what you
don’t know. Stay cool and confident – it counts for a lot.

Show some of your finer qualities in action, e.g., self-

assurance, assertiveness, honesty and composure.

It is entirely acceptable to ask for clarification if you don’t understand a

question, though do this in a way that does not make your interviewer look
silly. ‘I’ve no idea what you’re on about’ is not a response that will endear
you to your interviewer.

I am sorry, I am not quite sure what you are asking. Could you ask me
that question again, please?

I am not sure where I should start with that. Please could you give me a
little bit more of an explanation?

Asking for a few moments to think about your answer can immediately
remove the anxiety factor from a silence.
 That’s an interesting question; may I have a moment or two to collect
my thoughts?

There is quite a lot I could say about that; can you bear with me while I
think about that for a minute?

(These responses are fine. Take it that you have overdone it if the
interviewer goes away, makes a cup of coffee and deals with one or two
telephone calls in the time you have taken to get your thoughts into order.)

If you are faced with a situation where you think you have given a complete
answer, but a silence ensues because you are not asked another question,
then you can always say:

Is there anything you would like me to add?

Should I go on to tell you a little about how my previous job gave me

some useful experience of dealing with these types of problems?

Encountering an aggressive interviewer is an unpleasant but, happily, rare

experience for a candidate. To some extent, this style of interview is out of
fashion, and concerns about equal opportunities plus an increasing reliance
on competence-based interviews make it unlikely to find favour.
Nevertheless, your interviewer could be having an off day, be under a lot of
pressure or simply not have the ideal personality for interviewing.

An employer may wish to determine how you react in a hostile situation

and to discover aspects of your personality through other means than just
asking you to describe them. Keeping calm and avoiding hitting your
adversary is a fundamental starting point. It is, however, important that you
don’t crumble under the pressure and that you continue expressing your
well-prepared answers clearly and assertively.
 Aggressive-sounding questions often begin with the
word ‘why’. ‘Why did you take this decision?’ ‘Why did
this problem arise?’ Just stay calm; don’t be panicked
into giving a poor answer and try not to take the whole
thing too personally.

Remember the questions are not any more difficult, even if they are being
asked in an unpleasant way. It may be that the position you have applied for
will mean that you are placed with some fairly aggressive colleagues or
clients and if your interviewer is aware of this, they want to ascertain that
you will be able to cope.

Once in a while, you are nice, your interviewer is pleasant, but

circumstances are difficult. Your interview is constantly interrupted by
telephone calls or by people bursting into the room. Your interviewer
probably feels even more flustered than you by this (unless it is some
bizarre psychological test). Bad planning, time pressure or staff shortages
are more likely explanations. Take a note of where the conversation broke
off, so that you can get it back on track quickly if your interviewer is
struggling with ‘And where were we?’ One candidate being interviewed for
a job at a company based in a coastal town had their interview interrupted
because the interviewer was a member of the local lifeboat crew and he was
summoned to a rescue – so some interruptions have to be forgiven.

Summary and reminders

You can deal with even the most awkward, challenging or disconcerting
questions by careful thought and planning.

1. Prepare ahead for any areas where you know you may be vulnerable.
2. Ensure that those people whose names you are giving as referees know
this beforehand and have given their permission for you to do so. This
is not only courteous but it means, if there are any areas of concern,
they may be prepared to discuss them with you in advance.
3. Accept that some interviews will go badly and you can’t always
redeem the situation.
4. Be candid and truthful, but don’t give people information they don’t
ask for; you don’t have to drag all the skeletons out of your cupboard.
5. Remember that you would never have been called for an interview if
there was not a real chance that you could be the successful candidate,
so be positive.
If you do not intend to have a long-term relationship with the other side …
it’s time to haggle! Almost everything you purchase or sell in your private
life will be susceptible to haggling. Although you cannot haggle for your
basket of groceries, this is the exception rather than the rule. The great thing
about haggling is that you can relax and enjoy it, because even if you make
a mistake there will be no long-term damage. You also benefit from the fact
that when buying and selling, your opponent expects you to haggle – even
the smartest of London jewellers will not be offended by you haggling for
jewellery or designer watches.

Haggling is a game with well-established rules. The first section in this

chapter provides you with a comprehensive set of these rules, which will
equip you to be a very effective haggler. The last three sections explain how
to answer three of the most difficult issues in negotiation:

1. How do you establish the value of something?

2. Should you make the opening offer?
3. At what level do you pitch an opening offer or your first counter-offer?

If you cannot bear the thought of haggling, you must at the

very least ask politely ‘What is your best price/offer?’

The rules of haggling

Rule 1 – Don’t go into a haggling session unprepared
The single most important piece of homework is to know all the reasons
why you should get a good deal – for example, if you are buying, what
prices are being quoted on the Internet. One specific item of preparation
you must do is encapsulated in the next rule.

Rule 2 – Set yourself a really challenging objective

There has been loads of academic research on negotiations, and time and
again this research shows that the more challenging your objective, the
better you will do. The more challenging your objective, the more
competitive you will be in the haggling session.

Rule 3 – Be clear upfront what you want

It is much better to state clearly upfront what you want, rather than to keep
slipping in new conditions as you go along. It is another example of the
universal KISS principle – Keep It Simple, Stupid! This doesn’t mean that
you shouldn’t be flexible if your opponent offers you an attractive
alternative to what you originally asked for.

Rule 4 – Haggling is a game

Haggling is a battle of wills, and the best way to be very competitive, but
remain unemotional, is to treat it as a game.

You will often be up against someone who has been trained to haggle, or
who may be part of a culture with over a thousand-year history of haggling.
They will expect you to haggle, and in extreme cases they will be offended
if you do not play the game.

Rule 5 – You do not have to be reasonable

Many bargaining strategies are based on rational arguments. When haggling
you know that your opponent wants to get things out of the negotiation, and
your objective is to minimise what they get so as to maximise what you get.
It is a battle of wills where your objective is to convince your opponent that
the only way to conclude a deal is to agree with one of your offers.

I want … and if I don’t get what I want then I will go

elsewhere.

Rule 6 – Be rational if it suits your cause

Throw in logic whenever it supports your position. Comments such as ‘I
can get it cheaper on the Internet’ can be deployed whenever it suits you.
As the next rule states, you can even use false logic.

Rule 7 – Bluffing is absolutely fine (but try not to get caught

out)
‘I can buy something similar for £12,500’ is almost impossible to disprove.
Bluffing is an acceptable (but dangerous) strategy in bargaining. Bluffing is
totally acceptable in haggling, and although you should try to avoid getting
caught, you should look totally unembarrassed if you do get caught out.

Rule 8 – A bit of overacting never hurts

A bit of overacting never hurts

In this game, a bit of overacting will almost always be acceptable. I suggest

you work on your look of complete astonishment – to be used when you
hear your opponent’s opening offer. Often the experienced haggler will
overact with a touch of humour.

Rule 9 – Many questionable bargaining practices are

acceptable
In the next chapter I draw boundaries as to what techniques are acceptable.
For example, blatant use of your negotiating power (leverage) is seldom
acceptable as a bargaining tactic, but is fine in haggling.

Borderline tactics such as ‘nibbling’ are also OK – nibbling is where you

appear to have agreed a deal and then come back demanding additional
sweeteners: ‘You will throw in a full tank of petrol, won’t you … surely you
aren’t going to lose the deal over a tank of petrol?’

Rule 10 – Use every bit of leverage you have

If you have a strong, credible walk-away scenario, then make sure your
opponent is very aware of it, for example, ‘If you cannot sweeten that deal
then I will go back and see if your competitor can do better.’

If it is credible, then strongly encourage your opponent to think about the

chances of future business from you. Likewise, if you are a regular
customer then play that up for all it’s worth. If you have friends to whom
you may pass on a recommendation, that is worth mentioning. Phrases such
as ‘I work for the biggest employer in the town, so lots of people will get to
know if I am happy with your service’ can work well.

Rule 11 – Take your time

Realising that haggling is a game, you may be tempted to short-circuit the
process. For example, you may say something silly like: ‘We know we are
going to end up agreeing on £15,000, let’s just shake hands.’ Bad tactic!
£15,000 will be taken as your current offer and your opponent will work on
improving from this position. You cannot hurry the process, so relax and
enjoy it.

Rule 12 – Never reveal your budget

If your opponent is an experienced negotiator they will try to get you to tell
them what your budget is. Keep your budget to yourself because as soon as
your opponent knows what it is, you can be sure they won’t let up till they
have extracted the full amount from you.

Rule 13 – Don’t be fooled into meeting them halfway

If your opponent offers to meet you halfway, then take halfway as their
current offer and continue haggling from there.

Rule 14 – Make smaller and smaller concessions

Psychologically you want to indicate that you are reaching the end of your
flexibility by making your concessions decrease towards zero. For example,
in the motor trade a salesman may indicate the end of his concessions by
saying something like: ‘Well I could throw in mats and mudflaps.’

The next rule is the flipside of this technique.

Rule 15 – Consider breaking through the other side’s

preferred ‘best offer’
Your opponent will often apply Rule 14 to you so you will get a clear idea
of what appears to be their best offer. You may decide that it is acceptable,
or you can try to break through this offer to see if there is a better offer to be
had. There is nothing to be lost (but your time) by trying to break through
what they are signalling is their best offer. The following are some possible
techniques:

‘That is more than I am willing to pay. The highest I will offer is

£13,500, and I will shake your hand on that figure now.’
‘We are clearly not going to be able to do a deal. I will see if I can get
a better deal elsewhere’ or ‘I need to talk to my wife/husband because
this is much more than we wanted to pay’ … you then leave them to
stew for a period of time and come back at a later date to see if they
are willing to move.
‘I am a cash buyer who can do a deal right now, you are going to have
to do better than that’ … or maybe ‘a lot better than that’.
‘Can I talk to your boss?’ … often if you can change the person you
are haggling with, your new opponent will be willing to make
concessions to show that they have the authority and skill to do a deal.

If you think they are really not going to move much then maybe, ‘That’s
quite an attractive offer, and if you will throw in an extended warranty (or
something else you want) then I will do the deal.’ Or maybe, ‘If you are
willing to pay the postage then I will accept your price.’ As you can always
decide in the end to accept their original offer there is usually nothing to be
lost by having a go.

Rule 16 – Silence is a great tactic

People find silence very uncomfortable and there is no better way that you
can politely apply this amount of pressure. Just sit there silently appearing
to mull over what the other side has offered and frequently your opponent
will sweeten the deal for you.

Rule 17 – If you can get an auction going then do so

If you are buying and you have more than one potential supplier, or if you
are selling and have more than one person interested in buying, then you
should play one off against the other(s). There is nothing like an auction for
getting the best deal … competing buyers and sellers often get carried away
in the desire to win the deal.

Rule 18 – Timing is crucial

If you are buying a car it is worth finding out when the garage’s accounting
period ends. Often dealers rely on substantial bonuses from the car
manufacturers that are tied to specific targets. If the dealer is short of their
target, they may be willing to sell you a car below its cost price to make
their quota. Many organisations face similar pressures … there are few
companies that aren’t keen to make a deal just before their financial year
ends.

There are other obvious timing issues to bear in mind, for example you
want to buy garden furniture at the end rather than the beginning of summer
… and the same applies to motor bikes and many other items; but, of
course, you want to buy cavity wall insulation in the height of summer. If
your purchase or sale is seasonal, then sell in the high season and buy in the
low season.

Likewise, you may choose a particularly quiet day or time of day to haggle,
as your opponent is more likely to push that extra yard for a deal if business
is slack. Alternatively, if you are at an antiques or flea market, then stall-
holders are often more receptive to haggling at the end of the day.

Rule 19 – If things go wrong after you close the deal you can
renegotiate
It is not at all uncommon after you have concluded a deal that things do not
go as promised: delivery is late; it’s the wrong colour; it’s scratched; it has
faults; it breaks down; etc. If things go wrong you are entitled to start
haggling again for compensation. Most companies do not want unsatisfied
customers so will have a budget for remedial action to make you happier –
but that money is earmarked for those who moan … loudly!

A common mistake a lot of negotiators make in such circumstances is to

fail to state precisely what they want their opponent to do for them. Making
a clear, reasonable demand is much more likely to get you a good result.
Something like ‘it is the wrong colour, either replace it with the
specification I ordered or pay me £500 to keep the wrong colour’ is the
right approach.

Rule 20 – Don’t get emotionally attached to the object of the

haggling
When buying you are much better placed if you are willing to walk away
from the deal. Try not to get emotionally attached to what you are buying.

Rule 21 – Never get angry

If a negotiation turns into an argument you are very unlikely to get what
you want. The only time anger can work is when you are complaining about
the delivered item when you are trying to get some compensation. If
possible you should simulate the anger so you remain rational enough to
have a clear objective about the level of compensation you are after.

Rule 22 – Never be unreasonable

There is a narrow dividing line between an ambitious offer in a haggle and
an unreasonable demand. Unless you are in a market bazaar you should
stick to the credible side of the line.
Rule 23 – Be ready to ‘flash the cash’
Although I leave the general discussion of closing deals to a later chapter, I
will single out one great technique. An excellent way to close a deal is to
pull out a wad of banknotes for the price you want to pay and thrust them
into your opponent’s hand. You may be surprised how effective this can be
in an appropriate situation, such as when you are buying something from a
private seller.

Be ready to flash the cash

The rules of haggling have explained how you can play the game to achieve
a great deal. But how do you know what is a great deal? The most difficult
issues facing a haggler are all to do with money. How do you know what is
a reasonable price to have as your target to close the deal at? Should you
make the opening offer, or should you invite your opponent to make the
first move? If you decide to make the opening offer, what price should you
open at? If the other side opens, what should your first counter-offer be?
The remaining sections in this chapter answer these tricky questions.

How to value something

This section is as applicable to bargaining as it is to haggling. It is also
applicable to the situation where you are going to set a price and stick to it
(sticker price), or when you are going to set a price and then allow only a
small amount of negotiation (sticker price plus or minus a bit).

What is a fair price?

If there is a clear market price then find out what it is
Time and again I stress the importance of research. By using the Internet,
looking at printed advertisements, talking to sales brokers (such as estate
agents), you should get a good idea what the market prices for many items
are. If you do better than that market price you are doing well.

What do you do if there isn’t a clearly identifiable market price?

Valuing a unique item

Although you may not be able to find a clear market value for an item, you
may be able to find other ways to determine a value. Say you are selling a
company, there are a number of guidelines that are widely applied to
valuing a company. One can buy books, software models, and the like, to
assist you in a valuation. Many of these tools will value a company on key
issues such as market capitalisation, or the projected earnings power over
some period (say ten years) plus a valuation of assets. Assets can be
tangible items such as buildings and stocks, or intangible but saleable items
such as brand names, customer lists, goodwill and the like. Other unique
items may also have widely published mechanisms to help you value them:
for example, during the (lunatic) dotcom boom web-based businesses were
often valued according to the number of hits they got per day.

There are a number of other techniques for helping to value a unique item:

By analogy: Often you will be able to say this item is worth

more/less/the same as this other item which sold for a known amount.
Talking to an experienced estate agent, I found that he heavily used
this technique.
Consult an expert: Often the expert uses a mixture of analogy and
intuition to make their estimate.
Sell by auction: One solution that can be appropriate is to cut out the
haggling and use an online auction site such as eBay or a physical
auction house to sell the item.
 What would I pay? Obviously you can do this only if you are not too
emotionally attached to an item, but asking yourself (and your friends
and colleagues) what they would pay can be very instructive.

The following points describe how aggressive you can be in the price you
wish to close the deal at.

Is it a buyers’ or sellers’ market?

A classic example of this phenomenon would be a booming property
market. If prices are rising rapidly then few houses will be sold for
significantly less than their asking price. In comparison, in a flat or falling
market, properties will be susceptible to aggressive haggling.

How are supply and demand balanced?

If supply exceeds demand then the balance of power lies with the buyer,
and if demand exceeds supply then the seller holds the whip hand.

Did the buyer make an unsolicited approach to the seller?

Using the example of the sale of a company – if a buyer asks the seller to
sell, rather than the seller putting the company on the market, then the seller
is in a much stronger position to get a high price.

Who is under the tightest time pressures?

The stronger the time pressure someone is under, the less aggressive they
can be in obtaining the best price. For example, if you are selling bulky
items that are cluttering up your house, you may decide that it is worth
asking competitive prices just to clear them out of the way.

How good is your walk-away scenario?

If you have a strong walk-away scenario then you will definitely have good
leverage and you should be aiming to haggle aggressively.

Know when to be ambitious

The buying/selling world breaks down into six cases:

1. If you are selling something that is far from unique then you will be
lucky to get a price better than the market value.
 2. If you are buying something that isn’t rare then if you can bide your
time and buy when some of the conditions outlined above are in your
favour, you may get a very good price.
3. If you are selling something rare and desirable you should get a good
price.
4. If you are selling something rare that a few people might want, but you
are willing to wait, you should aim for a good price.
5. If you are buying something rare and desirable then be prepared to pay
a premium (or be prepared to live without it).
6. If you are after something rare of limited desirability then the good
haggler may do well … keep your nerve and try not to show how
badly you want it.

To open, or not to open?

The advantage of letting your opponent open
Given that most negotiators are not aggressive enough, the chances are that
your opponent will open too low when selling, or too high when buying. If
you then respond with an aggressive counter-offer, the bargaining phase is
off to a good start.

The advantage of opening

Confident negotiators often open because if you aggressively open you can
start the bargaining phase in a dominant position. If your opponent seems a
confident personality, then this stratagem is unlikely to work.

There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ advice. The comforting thing is that both

opening, and not opening, have advantages, so you can maximise the
possibilities in either case.

If the value of the item under negotiation is unclear, try to get

your opponent to open
In addition to the likelihood that your opponent will open timidly, there is a
good chance they will mistakenly value the item too low (when selling), or
too high (when buying). If your opponent seems inexperienced then this is a
particularly attractive approach. You will want to prompt them to open by
comments such as ‘What’s your best offer?’, or perhaps better ‘What do
you think it’s worth?’, or ‘What would you accept?’, or ‘What’s your
budget?’, or ‘You must have some idea how much you want/are willing to
pay?’

Opening offers and counter-offers

This section offers you clear advice on how to pitch your first offer.

The classic opening gambit

The classic advice is to make your first offer or counter-offer as the highest
(if you are selling) or lowest (if you are buying) figure that is credible. To
be brutally honest, it doesn’t matter if your offer edges into incredible
territory … that is a much less damaging mistake than pitching your
opening offer too cautiously. There are, however, situations in which the
classic advice is the wrong advice and I’ll now explain these situations.

When you want an auction to set the final price

If you are selling on an online auction site or if you hope to be able to play
one buyer off against another, then you can open at a knock-down price.
This usually attracts multiple bidders and sets the best environment for a
bidding frenzy.

When you want a (reasonably) quick sale

There are two obvious approaches to selling something like your house.
You can price it just below the market price, which almost guarantees a
quick sale and you can be quite aggressive in resisting pressure to further
reduce the price once you have one or more buyers interested – indeed you
may get multiple buyers bidding above the offer price. Alternatively, you
can set an optimistic price ‘because I can always reduce the price later’. The
second method may lead to someone who really wants the house paying
your price, but usually leads to you reducing the price at a later date, by
which time your house has missed the buzz of being new to the market.
In a market bazaar
Opening offers in this situation tend to be:

unbelievable, and …
determined by local custom (often hundreds or even thousands of
years old).

So ask someone familiar with local customs for advice … and brush up on
your overacting.

I am now going to say something that may seem totally out of character. If
you are a tourist in an under-developed country then you have to haggle
because to refuse to do so will confuse the trader (at best) or be considered
rude (at worst). However, please remember that the money involved means
much more to the trader than it does to you, so don’t compete for the lowest
possible price – give them an extra bit of profit.

Summary
The essence of haggling is I want. If you have logical
arguments to use to get what you want, that is fine, but if
you don’t, you need to pit your will and skill as a
negotiator against your opponent so that you get a better
deal than they do. If you treat this battle of will and skill
as a game, you will be able to be very competitive
without getting emotional.

When valuing an item you can either research the prices

of similar items, or if the item is unique you can search
for an analogy to compare it with, consult an expert, sell
by auction or work out what you would be willing to pay.

When buying or selling an item, the most important thing

to know is when you can be ambitious on price. The
buying/selling world breaks down into six cases which
show how the laws of supply and demand will determine
when you should be ambitious in your haggling.
If the value of an item is unclear it is best to encourage
your opponent to make the opening offer. In other
situations it is less clear if it is best to make the opening
offer. If your opponent opens they may well be too timid,
which will be to your benefit. If you open then you can
confidently set the agenda on price. This means you can
benefit regardless of whether you make the opening
offer or not.
How you put yourself across to your audience is the key. No, you are not
expected to be a professional actor but you are expected to be a brilliant
presenter. You are expected to put on a show because that’s what
presentations need – a bit of underlining, a bit of drama, a bit of swagger
and total poise.

‘Always act confident.’

Barack Obama

But acting can help

Dustin Hoffman takes his job very seriously. When he was in Marathon
Man he had to appear exhausted in one scene. Ever the perfectionist, he
stayed up all night and arrived on the set the next day white, puffy eyed and
knackered. Laurence Olivier surveyed him in amusement: ‘Why don’t you
try acting, dear boy? It’s so much easier.’

At an event in Bombay in 2009 at a ceremony called ‘The Giants of

Mumbai’ (Bombay/Mumbai … take your pick) philanthropists and high
achievers were honoured for their work for the city in front of the local
great and good. There was a lawyer, educationalist, businessman, academic,
broadcaster, doctor and two actors from Bollywood, one of whom had
arrived to female screams and lots of paparazzi camera flashes and clicks.
Shahid Kapoor is an actor: 30 years old, very good looking and knows it; a
rising star. He spoke and here’s my recollection of what he diffidently said:

‘I have acquired a certain transient fame … After my last film who even
knows about that? … But that fame allows me to open doors … I want to
do that for you … for any of you doing the great work for the poor of
Mumbai that you do. Thank you for that and for this award. I am here for
you.’

What film actors have is the knack of speaking well, clearly and straight.
Learn from them to be confident, poised and a good speaker … it’s a great
start. As for Shahid, we were all blown away.
 First of all learn to speak well – clearly and simply. And
learn to respect your audience (as well as love them).

In praise of hard work (in praise of America)

While Britain was creating the aristocratic and amoral character Raffles, the
Americans were creating Rockefellers. While Britain was defending an
empire, they were building an economy. They worked incredibly hard and
they still do. They don’t dream the ‘American dream’ – they create it brick
by brick. Their success is founded on an astonishing attention to detail.
Whenever you hear people knock the USA, as many do, remember their
work ethic and look at some of their achievements.

Which leads me to Al Pacino who, when he performed in and directed

Shakespeare’s Richard III in Britain, gathered the cast around and dissected
the text with them word by word, examining meaning and motive until it
became clearer and clearer what was going on. Shakespeare, he told his
exhausted fellow thespians, wasn’t casual or sloppy. If a word was there, it
was there for a very good reason. Find it, he said, find it.

So it is with presenting – if a word is there it must be there for a reason.

Getting it right will be achieved only by rigorous questioning and a refusal
to stop until you get to the bottom of an issue. I recommend such rigour to
you in preparing a presentation. If you work in an American company you
will find that exhaustive examination of every word and nuance is
commonplace. Although, and there is a downside, you’ll also find a rather
tiresome didacticism in their presentations. They tend to shout rather than
converse.
 Work as hard as you can on creating a solid, logical
argument for your presentation.

Performance starts with how you sound

Your voice is crucial and while actors start with an advantage you need to
improve and work on your voice, how it carries, how much variation there
is in it, how resonant it is, how good your diction is. This is potentially your
biggest asset – or liability. For most audiences it’s all that exists of you
when you give a ‘whiz bang’ slide presentation. The rest being hidden in
darkness.

The key when it comes to training your voice is not to be shy. Learn some
Shakespeare and declaim. Or, it could be Keats, Shelley, T.S. Eliot or Carol
Ann Duffy – anyone you like. Just learn it and then try saying it out loud –
in the bathroom to start with, then outside. Raise your voice and let go with
exaggerated theatricality. Enjoy yourself. All I want is for you to be in total
control of the content so that you can focus on delivery. For example,
imagine reciting ‘Ode to a Nightingale’ to a child, to your parents, to an old
lady, to a lover, in a large church to 200 people, in a sitting room to 12
people. The exercise is in learning how to deliver the same thing in different
contexts and exploring your own range of expression.

So how do you feel about your voice? Personally, I like and I lean on mine.
It sounds quite strong and it gives me confidence – I can play with its range
and pace. When it isn’t quite there, through a cold or a surprise attack of
nerves, my sense of self-belief begins to flutter.

Lean on your voice. It’s your friend. Look after it with

water and mints. Listen to it. Practise. After all that’s
what singers do.
Your voice is as important to you as a presenter as your putting stroke is to
you as a golfer – so look after it. Record yourself and listen to yourself.
Work with a coach if necessary – and it probably is. Someone who slows
you down, who makes you speak in lower bass tones. Look at what Sir
Gordon Reece managed to do for Margaret Thatcher – she was transformed
from a Finchley housewife-politician who, as education minister, stopped
school milk (‘Margaret Thatcher – school milk snatcher’) to a world
statesperson who spoke with gravitas and passion. The late Edward Heath
had voice coaching with the same result, producing in his case a
statesmanlike burr. Current politicians try anything from nasal surgery to
coaching to get their voice sounding more impressive.

Illogical arguments show up in a

presentation
The question is ‘Does the argument hold water?’ not ‘Is this good rhetoric?’
Don’t be sloppy in building an argument and in creating the logic of your
story. At least one acid test of building a credible presentation lies in the
practice of constantly interrogating the logic and the flow of the argument.

Don’t go to bed until you’ve cracked it. Toyota created ‘the five whys’ as
their process of inquisition whereby any proposal was intellectually tortured
until it confessed to its weakness, or survived through the strength of its
truth, convictions and logic. For example, suppose that a young executive
plans to present a proposal to launch a range of premium organic chilled
meals at the next senior management meeting. His boss is sceptical about
the plan and the way his executive is going about it.

Why are you making this presentation when our resources are already
overstretched?
Because research shows there’s a big gap in the market for this
concept, and it is very high margin so there’s an incremental volume
and profit opportunity. And I’ll put in extra time myself to make sure
the presentation is brilliant. The resource issue is down to me and my
time.
 Why do such a high-profile presentation? There’ll be sceptics there on
our team who’ll suggest the absence of competitive activity may
suggest that our competitors know something that we don’t?
Because it’s very hard to get the product right but I know we can do
this if I can enthuse enough people on the team. Hence my wanting to
put on a bit of a show. No one else has our organic credentials so
competitors are wisely steering clear. Anyway, I think we’re a bit
smarter than them and I want to show that in my all-singing-and-
dancing presentation.
Why do you think that you can overcome your colleagues’ antipathy,
which you concede is a problem? They’ll probably say if Tesco were
to agree with your market diagnosis they could simply do it themselves
– and probably would.
Because I want to be high profile on this and gain first-mover-
advantage. You see, if we can get Tesco to stock, in addition to the
easier targets like Sainsbury and Waitrose – and I think we can because
the taste tests on our product are exceptional – then the organic story
plus our pricing makes this a must-stock range.
Why should we do this and run the risk of cannibalising our relatively
successful, but static and under margin-pressure, non-organic offering?
Because it’s all down to positioning, isn’t it? If we launch head to head
against ourselves then you have a strong point, but if we aim more
upmarket and go for people organically predisposed and avoid recipe
duplication, then we should be OK. Especially if our marketing is as
exciting as I plan and aim to show.
Why would you want to put your career on the line now, just when
you are on track for promotion? You see, if you go high profile, make
this the presentation of a lifetime and it fails to hit plan, your life here
is over, and I doubt if any of our competitors would be impressed
either. Why not dip your toe in the water? No big launch. No glitzy
internal presentation. Will you think about that?
That’s a very strong point boss and very well made. Can I go away
and have a think about it? What sort of promotion did you actually
have in mind by the way?

Why? Why?? Why??? Why???? Why?????

This technique will usually find the weak point in any argument, position or
presentation. Try it on the argument in your next presentation. When,
through laziness or because we can’t quite make the argument compute,
most of us make jumps in our logic, bury issues that don’t suit the argument
or, if we are politicians, we sometimes fib. Sometimes, we even tell really
big porkies just to get a brilliant presentation away – sometimes, we believe
2 + 2 = 5 in reality, not as a metaphor, because we just can’t be bothered to
do the simple arithmetic.

Sometimes we’re tempted to tell really big porkies just to

get our presentation flying … or, if we’re honest, we
know the story we’re telling doesn’t quite stand up and
we know it shows.

A strong argument helps you feel confident

Your performance deserves a strong, bulletproof argument (as opposed to
just a bullet-point argument). Not only will it always be better if it has this,
it will also be easier to perform – no more butterflies about being destroyed
by questions in the Q&A because of corrupt logic.

So let’s consider the ways in which your performance can be enhanced so

that you stand out as a presenter. At this stage there will be those among
you who say that you hate acting. You might as well say you hate work.
Crudely, if you are an executive, learn to present by putting on a good show
because all corporate life nowadays involves a degree of acting – as in
maintaining a poker face, as in controlling your temper, as in being nice to
people you don’t really like, as in being patient with the personal woes of
an employee, as, in short, doing your job. And any way you can find that
helps the performance is worth taking. Even bribing yourself to do a great
show.
 Reward yourself every time you do a major presentation.

Performance – left and right brain

Left brain is the functional stuff that obviously matters. The techniques that
make you clear, audible and authoritative. Right brain is the creative stuff
that, when it works, makes your presentation fly.

To start with you need to be sure you have the ability to achieve those
functional competence issues and pass the left-brain test. You need to tick
these boxes. Do you:

look good;
seem confident;
know your stuff;
seem very well rehearsed;
come across as audible and clear;
finish on schedule (and never over-run)?

And then the right-brain stuff that fills Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink.
This is about first impressions and qualitative responses from the audience’s
viewpoint:

Do I warm to this person?

Do I trust this person?
Would I like to meet this person again and carry on the conversation?
Are they inspiring?

I’ve already talked about sitting on the metaphorical flight deck doing your
pre-presentation check. Now, to achieve ‘flight clearance’ to do a
presentation by your left-brain control tower, read the book, follow the tips,
practise, work with peers to make sure they can see you, hear you and
understand you.
For right-brain flight clearance you need to read and put into practice
what’s in this book. But you should also, when you’ve done that, work with
a presentation coach who’ll help you do the three things that make the real
difference to your on-stage presence. They’ll do the following:

1. Help you find your voice – the style, tone and pitch which seems to
work best for you.
2. Help you be yourself but a bigger more dramatic version of you.
3. Help you simplify and strengthen the impact of your body language.

And you’ll find the more work you do the easier this process of self-
discovery is. There are some presenters who just love doing it and whose
appetite for it, like a chef who loves food and the taste of it, is totally
beguiling. Like Sophie Patrikios, Head of Consumer Services at Lego. Like
the service Lego claim to provide, she’s fun, knowledgeable and engaging.
If you get the chance to see her do so. She’s not just nerveless about it, so
much as in love with presenting and telling her story.

Find your voice. Find the ‘you’ that comes across best in
a presentation. The more you do presentations the easier
this is.

Be yourself: David Abbott, one of the legendary advertising

figures of the twentieth century, spoke of people going into
‘presentation-speak, hunched up, glazed eyes, Dalek-
voiced and didactic’. There’s no need for that. Take what
you have and make a vow to lift yourself up two or three
levels. Be bigger. Impose. But don’t be someone else.
Work on how you look: Of course you need help, how can
you work this out yourself? Get advice on how to dress –
for women, a well-cut trouser suit always looks powerful
and modern. (But in the end women have a much better
sense of style than I have. My only comment is make sure
you feel great and if that means buying a new outfit for
every big presentation you make, then do it. It’s a good
incentive to be brilliant.) For men, a dark suit with a white or
light blue shirt and no tie (though you can wear one if you
want). Slight sun tan – no workaholic you. Do not let
anyone, however well intentioned, make you wear anything
or have a look that makes you feel awkward. The whole
point about this is to make you feel better about yourself –
you are the star. You need to think and feel that you look
your best to be your best.
Do you have stage presence? Look around you as you go
on stage – the bigger the stage, the bigger the look and the
bigger the sweep of your gaze. Walk on with a straight
back. However you really feel, look as though you are glad
to be there. It’s worth repeating that – look as though you
are glad to be there. Smile and say ‘Ha!’ under your breath
(especially under your breath if you are miked-up) – it will
animate your face. If it’s a smaller event, simply try to be
engaged and interested in what is going on and when you
start or stand up to speak make eye contact with a few
people and think ‘Hey, I really like (even love) these people.’
It’s amazing how this communicates to an audience. The
number of times I’ve seen ill-at-ease, shifty, grumpy or even
downright hostile speakers is legion. Try to imagine that the
people out there have loads of money and that they are
going to give some to you, but only if you look cheerful and
really glad to be with them. Stage presence is like sex
appeal – some people have it naturally, some acquire it.
Whenever Marilyn Monroe stepped into a room everyone
stopped and noticed.
Try to radiate self-belief: As someone once said to me, ‘You
have to believe what you are saying even if you don’t
believe it.’ What is it that marks out the brilliant presenter?
The best presenters in the advertising business tend to be
shameless showmen. ‘Shameless’ is such a great word –
say it to yourself next time you walk up on stage, ‘Hey I feel
totally shameless today’, and see what happens. All you
have to do is radiate confidence and a conviction about
your subject. Lord Denning, one of the more formidable
orators of the twentieth century and a fine lawyer, recalled
his pupil master saying to him: ‘People pay us for our
certainty, not for our doubts.’ Always act confident.
Never talk in jargon: Something about standing up in public
and talking has always (once I conquered my nerves) made
me giggle. And in truth many presentations are absurd,
especially in a world where jargon is rife. A few years ago
someone invented ‘bullshit bingo’ – a game in which you
drew a box within which were 36 squares. Each square
contained a piece of management jargon – ‘going forward’,
‘strategic’, ‘focus’, ‘blue sky’, ‘global’, ‘scale-up’,
‘benchmarking’, ‘culture’, ‘ratio’, ‘downsizing’,
‘outsourcing’ and so on. The game was to mark off each
loathsome word as it occurred and if a vertical or horizontal
line was filled then the lucky winner leapt to their feet
shouting ‘bullshit’. Avoid all jargon, speak English – in
short sentences with short words. And remember that the
way a script is written bears no relation to normal writing –
it should have short sentences, big type; it should be fast
… conversational … bold.
Enjoy being a bit dramatic: You know where you are, why
and to whom you are talking. You have a good, simple,
strong story and the logic is sound and bombproof. The
slides are coming along nicely. Yet you need to impart
some surprise or ‘oomph’ into it at, say, two points so that
you stand out from your colleagues (in other words your
competitors) and so that the audience remembers your
message. Vivid recollections of mine focus on disasters: in
the old glass slide days when the slide projector caught fire
and the slides melted in front of us so that ‘why we shall
succeed’ dripped into the reproachful word ‘succ’, which
slowly blackened and disappeared; the slides that had been
fed in back to front, making it look as though the
presentation was in an eastern European language. Think
of what you most want your audience to remember and
then brainstorm a solution that dramatises the point. It
could be a huge word on the screen, a piece of animation or
video or soundtrack, a great quote – or you could remove
your jacket, tie and shoes, saying ‘This is about removing
excess cost and baggage.’ Whatever. It’s about finding just
one moment when you go for a bit of dramatic emphasis.
Don’t be too mechanical: Breathe life into your stuff. On the
road to brilliance you have to learn to make what you say
attention-grabbing and interesting. When you stand up, you
have to look as though you care. You have to breathe life
into the case you are making. You have to be passionate for
your cause. You have to be (and be seen to be) glad to be
doing your presentation. I was recently at an event
celebrating an AFRUCA anniversary (Africans Unite Against
Child Abuse). While there, I reflected how much better the
Africans were at demonstrating passion, sincerity and
involvement. The reason, I suspect, that so few leaders
currently come from the UK is that we are hopeless at being
extrovert – unlike the South Africans, Zimbabweans,
Australians, Americans, French, Italians. So when you get
up there give it some ‘welly’. Be animated – look and sound
dynamic.
Practise, practise, practise: You will need technical run-
throughs and you will need to know your material very well.
Also, the situation may be changing, which means you may
have to be nimble-footed enough to change parts of your
presentation at the last moment. But most of all you must
leave yourself time to explore performance – to work on
pace, on pauses, on the louder and on the softer bits. Don’t
imagine that any good performance you’ve ever seen
wasn’t very well practised. They say Steve Jobs took weeks
working on some presentations. Practise alone so you get
used to your own voice. Don’t do what some have
attempted – editing and moving material around while
actually performing. This is nerve-racking for technicians
 and rotten for the performance – what you have when you
start is what you go with. Do at least two trial runs: the first
is what I’d call a ‘walk-through’, just to make sure all the
elements sit together; then a ‘run-through’ which is a
rehearsal with feeling. Mark up your script with cryptic
notes and dream the performance in slow motion. Have a
plan B – there could be a power cut or a fire, maybe hardly
anyone turns up, maybe you are the only speaker standing
because of dodgy pasta at dinner that you alone missed
because you were rehearsing. There is no substitute for
maximising your chance of success through practice.

If you’re on stage we have no place for being shy. Aim

for a power performance with loads of feeling,
thoughtfulness and confidence. Everyone can be really
good. It just needs hard work and a lot of thought. Nearly
all brilliant presenters are made, not born.

A bit of theatricality is vital if you want to be brilliant.

Even if your performance is controlled you are still on
stage and you have to fill that stage. You are not there to
talk or to read a script – you are there to command
attention, engage people and convince them about your
story. Tom Peters and Jim Collins have been engaged in
an energetic debate about styles of leadership. The
former advocates executives to be charismatic, noisy,
short-term and disruptive; the latter is all for quiet,
reserved, process-driven, data-rich, team-building and
long-term.
Each has a point. We probably need both but, arguably
we don’t have a ‘long term’ any more – we have now.
And if you’re on stage we have no place for the ‘quiet
man’ – remember Iain Duncan Smith, one-time leader of
the Conservative Party in the UK? Aim for a powerful
performance with lots of feeling and loads of confidence.
But, back to Iain Duncan Smith for a second. I recently
saw him perform at a small gathering talking about
poverty in the UK and the role of welfare. He was very
funny … proving his credentials as a human being up
front and then without notes, he gave a brilliant
exposition. He really knew his stuff and spoke
persuasively and with supreme confidence.

The ‘quiet man’ had transformed himself into a brilliant

presenter – yes, it can be done.
Getting started
So you’ve dressed the part, assessed your goals, improved your posture –
now you have to get started, one-to-one, and that means initiating
conversation, often with strangers. There is no one right way to do this –
what is essential is that you do it! People generally do not have to say
anything funny, meaningful or profound to start up a conversation. It could
be something as simple as, ‘Have you got the time?’ Many people who are
in friendships or relationships cannot remember the first words they said to
each other. What is important is the contact and the feelings behind the
contact.

Do some research before the event

One of the most important things to enable you to have confidence in
approaching people at an event is to do background research on them. If
you have been given details of other attendees, make use of this essential
information. If they have a business, look at their website; if they have
written a book, it would be good if you could read all or part of it prior to
the event. This background research will allow you to ask thoughtful
questions from the outset and also to continue the conversation later. For
example, ‘Hi, I’ve been wanting to meet you. I really enjoyed your book.
What inspired you to write it?’

Say something positive or neutral

Saying that the food is terrible might start a conversation, but it may
become a conversation that descends quickly into finding everything wrong
with a situation and you, by association, appearing as a complaining person.
A far better method would be to ask something neutral like, ‘Did you have
far to come to get here today?’ or ‘Why did you decide to come to this
event?’, or to pay someone a genuine compliment.

Some subjects at networking events should be avoided unless you have

come together to discuss them specifically. These include religion and
politics, which can be highly emotive because of conflicting ideas,
emotions or perceptions. A sense of humour is a bonus but jokes that are
targeted at or offensive to individuals and groups should also be avoided.

Start with something that connects you both

If you are at a party or a dinner you might ask of another

guest, ‘How do you know so and so?’ or ‘Do you know
anyone else here tonight?’ If it is a business conference you
might say, ‘Hi, we haven’t met, my name’s Steven. This is
my first time at this conference. Did you come last year?’
Alternatively you might refer to an element on the
programme: ‘Have you heard this speaker before?’ or ‘What
did you think of the last speaker?’ Look out and observe
details around you that could provide opportunities to
connect with others.

If you have arrived with another person, go solo

One of the main barriers to networking is that we naturally prefer to speak
to the people we know. If you have come in a group or with a partner,
separate and meet new people. Often it is easier for people to approach
those who are alone rather than in couples. You can compare notes with
your partner or group afterwards.

Introduce yourself
Start by introducing yourself with a warm smile and simple introduction:
‘Hello, pleased to meet you, I’m Steven.’ Generally the person will respond
with their name and then the conversation will flow (we will explore how to
make it flow below). Give the person time to think and to feel comfortable
speaking with you.
 When you start a conversation with strangers, remember
that they might also be feeling nervous or apprehensive.
By being the first to start a conversation, you are the one
breaking the ice, and will be perceived as being
confident. A simple question like ‘I’ve just arrived and
don’t seem to know anyone here. Are you in the same
boat?’ can give the other person a chance to connect.

Names are there to be used

Our names, especially first names, are possibly the one consistent label that
many of us identify with throughout our lives. Many people take pride in
their name and take time to discover its meaning. Even in a large crowd
with a lot of noise, if someone calls your name you are still likely to hear it.

When someone remembers and uses our name it makes us feel valued as a
person. They have taken the time to remember it and this in turn makes us
feel special. Those well trained in sales or customer service know that the
sweetest sound the customer can hear is their name repeated to them and
that this then builds rapport and puts people on closer terms.

When someone forgets our name it can make us feel that we were not
important enough to be remembered. The implication is that ‘You don’t
matter’ or at worst it can seem like deliberate rudeness, ‘Your name is not
important’.

When you arrive at an event and are introduced to a group of people

quickly, do not be shy at this point to stop the host and just check you have
all the names correctly. ‘Sorry, I missed that, it was so fast, can I check,
your name is …?’ Taking the time now to hear and remember the names
properly will save a lot of guesswork in the future. It is also understood and
forgivable when you have just met to clarify such information.

When you are first introduced to someone you can use their name as you
answer, to reinforce it in your memory, for example:

‘Hi, I’m Katie.’

 ‘Hi Katie, good to meet you.’

Although it might sound awkward, you have a far better chance of

remembering the name, saving embarrassment later.

Once you have a name, remember to use it occasionally during the

conversation or as you are finishing the conversation. This will help
reinforce it. If the person has a name badge or you have been given a
business card, referring to these when you have quiet times at the event and
associating them with the person’s face will also help you remember.

If in doubt it is always better to ask for a name than to guess. Although this
is clumsy it can be more easily forgiven than if you use the wrong name all
evening. ‘Sorry, as I was coming in I missed your first name, could you
repeat it?’ ‘Sure, I’m Mike.’

If a name is difficult to pronounce or long, ask the

person to tell you how to say their name rather than
guessing and coming up with something of your own
creation. ‘Paramahansa, that’s a beautiful name, how do I
pronounce that correctly?’ Unusual names can also be
great conversation starters: ‘That’s a beautiful name,
what does it mean?’

If you are asked to introduce someone to another person but you do not
know their name, this is a sticky situation. There are very few ways to get
out of it but one is to step back and assume that they can introduce
themselves: ‘Please go ahead and introduce yourself to each other, I would
really like you to meet.’ Once they have said their names, take a mental note
and remember them.

Forget yourself
Once you have done what you can to prepare to connect with someone and
make the impression you want to give, the best thing you can do
paradoxically is to forget yourself, ‘let go’ and be immersed in the person
you are speaking to while being aware of the needs of others around you.

How to approach a group of people

The dynamics of approaching a group of people are slightly different than
one-to-one situations but only at the outset. It is quite common for groups to
be a collection of people having one-to-one conversations with the person
next to them, rather than one person speaking at a time.

Groups form early, so arrive on time or early at an event before closed

groups have formed. If you can start a one-to-one conversation with as
many people as you can, then if they later join a group you have a ‘go
to’ person to approach who is familiar to you.
Usually at every formal networking event there is a host or organiser.
If you know that you want to join a group, asking the host to introduce
you will normally allow you to break the ice without the burden being
on you.
Keep a close eye out and look for opportunities to join a conversation
by speaking to a pair or the person at the end of a group, if the group is
fractured. Again the opener does not need to be memorable. It could
be, ‘Do you know the football results?’ if there is a match on, or ‘Do
you have the time?’ to someone at the end of the group.
If the event host does any icebreakers – even if these are just a round-
robin of introductions – take note of any details about people you want
to talk to. If they are in a group and you have something specific to see
them about, you could flag the request at that point and request to
speak later. Always acknowledge that you are interrupting a
conversation. For example, ‘Excuse me, I don’t want to disturb your
conversation but in the introductions I heard that you work in the
pharmaceutical industry. I’m a researcher. I know you are busy now
but would it be possible to chat to you later this evening?’ On many
occasions the person will continue the conversation with you then and
there.
 Sometimes the group could be at a conference or forum and you want
to get noticed. One of the easiest ways to do this is to ask a short
intelligent question if questions are taken after speakers. Being the first
person to do this also illustrates confidence. You can phrase the
question in such a way that people know who you are and what you
do. For example: ‘Claire Smith, novelist and copywriter. I really
enjoyed the point you made about grammar schools. Do you believe
that they support a meritocratic educational system?’
Sometimes when people are in a pair or a larger group they will be
open to outsiders and you can then join them on their invitation. Other
groups might want to stay private and although they may be polite at
first, essentially they do not want you to join. Listen and look out
carefully for verbal and non-verbal cues and if you do not get a
positive response move quickly and politely on. There will always be
more people to speak to.

Keeping the conversation going

The main skill here is not having a fantastic story to tell or even to be witty,
instead the key to keeping conversations going is to listen carefully and
ask thoughtful questions.

When an experiment was carried out that involved a control group meeting
a range of people in sequence, some of the people asked a lot of questions
while others virtually did all the talking. Each subject in the control group
was asked to rate how interesting they thought each person they met was.
The surprising result was that those who listened more and spoke less were
consistently rated as being more interesting. To be interesting, be
interested.

When you are with someone, regardless of whether you

are speaking or listening, one way to keep engaged is to
hold a positive intention towards the other person. By
this I mean to think about the person in a positive way.
 While I am not proposing that people are telepathic,
sometimes our body language reflects our thoughts.
When there is inconsistency between what you say and
your body language then people do not believe your
words. You will appear insincere.

The following ten points are worth bearing in mind.

1. Listen for key words or information and ask open questions based on
the information appropriately. For example, if someone says they work
at Faber Maunsell, it makes sense to ask them what their company
does if you are not familiar with it. Sometimes details are dropped in
incidentally: for example, ‘Last week I dropped my son off at
university which is near here, feels like I’ve done this journey a
thousand times.’ Here you have information to kick start a range of
questions you could ask, about the university, about his son, about the
course his son is taking, each of which could lead to further
conversation.
2. There is a fine line between asking questions and interrogation so be
aware of sharing something about yourself as appropriate and let the
conversation flow between you. Try to link their stories to your own
experience in some way but without dominating the conversation.
3. Be focused on your intent to share your aims for the conversation
early. This might be asking plainly ‘Why are you here?’ or ‘How did
you decide to come to this conference?’, and then sharing your main
aims.
4. Start with closed questions. If you receive a positive response you can
move on to ask more open questions that require more than a one-word
answer. The quickest way to do this is to use one of the following to
start your question: what, why, how, where, who or when? If the
person you are speaking to is particularly shy or does not feel
comfortable talking with people they do not know, then it makes sense
to build the conversation gradually.
5. If you are in a group, ensure that you make eye contact with everyone
and do not isolate any particular individual. This can happen
sometimes unintentionally. A 20-minute reminiscence about old school
 days or how the office used to be might be fun, but probably not for
the person who did not go to your school or work in your office. Check
to see if everyone is engaged and bring in people you feel are not
included. Normally this can be done in a subtle way, ‘Mike, which
school did you go to?’ or ‘Was it similar in your company?’ This
attention to the individual will let the group feel comfortable in
expressing their opinions.
6. Another tip to keep conversation fresh in a group is to bring in other
people who can add something or change the direction of the
conversation. ‘Hi, come and join us, we’re just talking about…’ can
open the door to another person to connect with.
7. Summarise and paraphrase to show understanding. A useful tool to
keep conversation going is to check your understanding of what the
other person is saying. Not only does this keep you focused but done
in the right way it demonstrates that you are listening. This can be
done by asking a simple question and then repeating back in summary
form what you have heard the person say. For example, ‘Can I just
check I understood that? You have been coming for five years and you
have never been introduced to the chair of the conference’ would be a
neat summary.
8. Paraphrasing is using the near exact words somebody uses, and
repeating them. Normally a few key words are enough. Using a similar
example, a paraphrase of the statement would look as follows.
Statement: ‘I’ve been coming for five years but I’ve never been
introduced to the chair of the conference.’ Paraphrase: ‘You’ve never
been introduced to the chair of the conference?’ To avoid the person
feeling like you are parroting them, it is essential that you do not use
the paraphrase too often. Done occasionally it is a powerful tool that
lets others know you value their input.
9. The brilliant networker will also listen out for the emotion or feeling
behind the words being said and check this out with the speaker.
Emotion can be seen from body language, heard in the tone of voice or
be evident in their facial expression. Networker: ‘You’ve never been
introduced to the chair of the conference. You seem upset by that. Am
I right?’ Person: ‘Yes – I do feel angry that I’ve never been
introduced.’ Notice how the networker checked for understanding
rather than simply saying ‘You are upset’, which may be an incorrect
 assumption. When reflecting back an emotion we are showing
empathy with another. This is not the same as agreement or sympathy
but gives the person the feeling that they are understood.
10. Remember that the person you are speaking to has needs and wants.
Always listen with the intention: ‘How can I assist this person?’ and
‘Who do I know that I could connect them to for advice or help?’ Then
offer to make the connection without pressure but as a genuine desire
to help.

When you connect people or make an introduction be

sure to say more than their names. Give them a hook or
piece of information that will allow them to continue the
conversation together: for example, ‘Come and join us’
is OK but ‘Come and join us, I’d like to introduce you to
Daniel who is here for the first time this evening and
runs an internet company in Roehampton’ is brilliant.
When connecting two people you know, highlight any
mutual interests that they might have.

If you read around the subject of emotional intelligence, a term first coined
by Daniel Goleman, you will see how important the emotions are for
making decisions even if we know logically we should take another course
of action. Brilliant networkers are able to build strong emotional links with
those they speak to, creating the foundations for future relationships.

Be ‘appropriately vulnerable’
One of the most powerful ways that you can keep a conversation going is
by showing appropriate vulnerability – sharing your feelings. For example,
‘I’m feeling a little nervous. This is my first time at a networking event and
I don’t seem to know anyone.’ By expressing our vulnerability we express
our humanness and make it easier for people to relate to us. Often they
might be experiencing the same feelings as we are and by voicing them we
give others permission to do so too.
Be curious!
Brilliant networkers are generally curious people. While some are experts in
their field they often have a wide range of interests and friends, and are well
read. This enables them to start and maintain conversations on a wide range
of topics. As mentioned at the beginning of the last chapter, brilliant
networkers know the value of diversity, which opens them up to a wider
range of opportunities. Think of the process as a Scrabble board and the
letters as types of contacts. You would never win the game by only using
multiples of the same letter. The wider the variety of contacts you have, the
more combinations available, the higher your chance of success.

Next time you go to the newsagents pick up a magazine

about a subject that you know nothing about and flick
through it. Broadening our horizons and knowing what is
happening in the media and around the world opens up
paths of conversation that otherwise would have
remained closed. Read your industry publications as
well as a quality broadsheet and tabloid so you have a
spectrum of views.

How to end a conversation

Even though we might enjoy a conversation, at some point it is obvious that
both parties have run out of interesting things to say and the conversation
has lost its purpose. Below are some ideas for ending a conversation
gracefully.

Connect them to someone else

Rather than abruptly leaving a person standing or sitting, which is plain
rude, one of the best ways to leave a conversation is to connect the person
to someone else in the room by making an introduction. This might mean
saying, for example, ‘Paul, I would like to introduce you to Niall who is an
accountant. Niall, this is Paul who is a lawyer for Global Bank.’

Once the introduction is made, you step out and walk away. Done naturally
this gives a good chance for you to meet someone else and also for the
person you left to make a new connection with somebody they just might
have more in common with or gain information that could be of benefit.

Give a plausible reason to leave

For example: ‘I’m really sorry, I’ve enjoyed our conversation, but I need to
check whether my friend has arrived. It was great speaking to you and I
hope you enjoy the evening.’ Or ‘I’m really sorry but I must go because I
need to speak to Jack before he leaves. It was great speaking to you. Can I
introduce you to our sales manager before I go?’

Apply the five-minute rule. Five minutes is generally long

enough to start a conversation and to ask questions to
find mutual interests. If there are no obvious synergies,
thank the person you are speaking to and exchange
contact details. Never leave the person alone but again
introduce them to someone whom you have met earlier
who you think would be a useful connection or look to
bring someone else into the conversation. You never
know when someone can help you. Later on down the
line that person could be the one individual you most
need to know. Always be respectful and mindful, and
don’t forget to exchange contact details.

Finally, before you leave any event make sure that you have said goodbye
and thanked the host. Often the host will be circulating but it is vital
feedback and appreciation which will lead to more invitations. Double
check that you have met everyone you wanted to and then leave. If you are
done, avoid hanging around or lingering until the very end. Not only is this
an inefficient use of your time but the hosts might be wanting people to
leave so they can wrap up the event and clear the venue.

Ask for what you want

The reason you are networking is to accomplish your goals and so no matter
how well a conversation is going it is important that you ask for what you
want. Asking for what you want is powerful but it also needs to be done in
such a way that it will give you the information you need.

In their book The Power of Networking (1999), Sandy Villas and Donna
Fisher suggest using the question ‘Who do you know who…?’ rather than
‘Do you know anyone who …?’ to make a request. The latter can be
answered with a closed yes or no, ending further conversation. By asking
the former question the person is forced to think of people they know.

Some other powerful networking questions that Villas and Fisher highlight
are:

‘Who do you know who I should know (given the following

circumstances)…?’
‘Who do you know who knows…?’
‘Who do you know who would benefit from…?’
‘Who would you recommend I contact about…?’
‘I am looking for… Who do you know who…?’
‘I would like to know the names of people you know who…?

Asking the right questions opens up new possibilities to further your

networking goals.

Share your goals early

As a general rule, when time is short at an event, it is important to share
your goals early. You might enjoy the company of the person and want to
spend more time with them on a future occasion, but it is important that you
try to meet as many people as possible – without being rude and without
spoiling the event for yourself.

You need to strike a balance. Networking should be as enjoyable and fun as

meeting new friends, not a stressful race akin to a non-stop, one-day tour of
several capital cities in the world. This is where the value of knowing in
advance who is going to be at an event allows you to focus your attention.
Be open to serendipity and to all you meet. It could be the person in the
lunch queue who introduces you to your future partner. The key is to be
open and ready to connect to everyone.

The hard sell

Perhaps one of the main reasons that networking has a bad name is because
of individuals who approach you like pit-bull terriers, promoting their
products shamelessly and not letting you go until you have either signed up
or promised to let them contact you with further information.

When you approach someone at a networking event – although it is

important to be clear about what you do and can offer – the aim is to
develop a long-term relationship, not simply make a quick sale. When
networking, ensure you are making requests, not demands.

Networking requests
Demanding ‘I need you to give me…’

Empowering ‘I am looking for… and thought you

might…’

Vague ‘I would like to contact good

prospects for my business.’

Clear ‘My ideal client is… Who do you

know who…?’
Manipulative ‘If you will… I will…’

Empowering ‘I have some people to refer to you

who… and keep me in mind when
you meet people who…’

Hesitant ‘I know you’re busy and probably

won’t have time and I don’t want to
bother you, but…’

Straightforward ‘I would like your assistance, if

possible. Any amount of time you
can give me will be appreciated.’

Too broad ‘I am looking for a job. Who can

you recommend that I talk to?’

Specific ‘I am looking for job with a…

company that can use my …
expertise. Who do you know
who…?’

Confusing ‘Do you think you could help me

sell some of my widgets to people
who have gadgets?’

Clear ‘I want to contact people who are

looking for widgets to better… Who
do you know who I could call?’

From The Power of Networking (1999) by Sandy Villas

and Donna Fisher, Thorsons.
Before making a request take a moment to think about
what you really need and refine your request so that it
meets the criteria in the box opposite. Think about how
you can also assist the other person with a need they
might have.
When I was learning to be a coach my trainer told me that ‘questions are
the answer’. It is much the same with selling. You cannot sell well without
gathering information and it is tough to gather information without asking
questions. Yet, according to a study by the Sales Career Training Institute,
salespeople typically spend too much time pitching and not enough time
asking the right questions so that they can discover the prospect’s/buyer’s
real concerns and issues, as well as the hot buttons they need to press to get
someone to buy.

‘Judge others by their questions rather than by their answers.’ –

Voltaire, French writer and philosopher

So, what are the benefits of asking the right questions?

By asking the right questions you will demonstrate that you are
interested, rather than being focused on making a sale. This will
increase the likelihood that the prospect/buyer will open up and that
rapport will start to build.
You will identify what really matters and what the core issues are that
you can help to address.
It gives you an element of control.
It creates momentum, which is one of the core goals of every sales
conversation.
Questions encourage emotional involvement.

Asking the right questions

Here are seven core principles that will guide you to ask the right questions:

1 Start with an attitude of curiosity

Any salesperson used to a consultative approach will use questions
naturally. Asking intelligent questions comes from an attitude of curiosity.
Think about it – you are on a ‘quest’ for information. Anyone who has kids
knows that if they are curious about something they will quite naturally ask
questions.
Curiosity is infectious. You will soon find the person you are influencing
becomes curious about their own situation!

‘The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own
reason for existing.’ – Albert Einstein, German physicist

2 Have a clear outcome for your questions

Ask yourself: what am I trying to achieve by asking questions? This avoids
asking unnecessary or random questions.

3 Let the conversation flow naturally

Good questioning techniques do not mean that you become an interrogator.
Avoid the clipboard approach.

4 Use both open and closed questions

Open questions start with who, why, what, how, where and when.
Closed questions elicit a yes/no answer.

There is no evidence that we have ever seen that open questions are more
successful in making a sale. However, it is likely that you will start with
open questions to elicit information and there will be more open questions
in a typical sales conversation. Use closed questions for clarification and
agreement.

5 Make your questions understandable

I have heard many a sales question that is frankly unintelligible. Sometimes
people use multiple questions, or ask a question and then answer it
themselves, or ask a question that has no real link to what is being
discussed. Make sales questions straightforward to understand – often the
simple questions are the most powerful. Such as:

What do you want?

What are your key priorities?
What is really going to make the difference?
What is working for you?
6 Ask questions that help you pinpoint the dominant buying
motivations
Buying motivations and specific needs are not always the same. Buying
motivations are about desires and feelings – they are more emotional and
intangible.

You can find out what motivates your buyer – what they want – by asking
simple questions such as: ‘What kind of similar products or services have
you bought in the past?’. The knowledge you gain will tell you what
benefits to emphasise.

7 Avoid offending your buyers!

Some questions can offend a prospect and cause them to reject you and
your ideas.

Avoid leading or ‘set up’ questions such as, ‘You do want your children to
have a fair chance, don’t you?’. What is the prospect going to say? ‘No! It’s
a tough world – let them sink or swim!’

Nosey, gossipy or overly personal questions can be a real turnoff. Stick to

business!

Sometimes your manner can be threatening. Instead of asking, ‘How much

do you want to spend?’, why not phrase it, ‘How much had you planned to
invest?’.

Focused questions
‘If you are not moving closer to what you want in sales (or in life), you
probably aren’t doing enough asking.’ – Jack Canfield, US
inspirational self-help author and success coach

So – what areas of questioning are most useful? Research suggests that you
will make the most impact if you focus your questioning around these nine
areas:
1 Needs and wants
This is absolutely central to the role of the salesperson. Find out more about
specific questions that elicit needs and wants by reading the chapter
‘Identifying what the prospect wants and needs’ in Part 4.

2 Ask the buyer for selection criteria

This is often avoided in sales, so take the initiative and find out who your
contact is dealing with right now and who else they might be considering.
This will elicit the buyer’s criteria and values and will help you align your
service/product with what the organisation wants.

The more you can align the values of the buyer with what you can provide
in terms of service and delivery, the more you are likely to build a long-
term relationship. I had a colleague once who was even more upfront. He
used to ask: ‘What can I do to win your business?’.

‘Selling’ is closely linked in meaning to ‘serving’. The founder of a client

of ours, Sodexo, based his whole strategy on the maxim ‘True dignity lies
in being of service to others’. How can you be ‘of service to others’ unless
you know how they like to be served?

Here are some questions you might consider:

What’s important in your commercial relationships with suppliers?

How do you choose your current suppliers?
How do you decide with whom to do business?
What do you really value in a salesperson?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?

3 Options
Discover what options your buyer is considering. If they are still at the
options stage you can influence their decision making.

Here are some questions you might consider:

What sort of options are you looking for?

Who are we up against?
Who else will you be speaking with in regard to this decision?
What have you been considering?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?

4 Your service/product
You need to gauge the reaction to your service/product to find out if the
buyer is likely to buy and what more information they need to make a
decision.

Here are some questions you might consider:

What are your expectations/requirements for this product/service?

Have you seen anything else on the market that you especially do not
like?
What further information do you need right now?
If you do decide to go ahead, what sort of consequences will this have?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?
5 People
Often a buying decision for an organisation will have implications for many
people. We sell training, coaching and consultancy services at Brilliant
Selling (www.brilliant-selling.com), and the people who could be
implicated by any decision to use us include sales, HR, operations,
marketing, senior management and the board.

Here are some questions you might consider:

Who will be involved if we progress to the next stage?

How will people’s roles change if you decide to take this
product/service?
Who will be involved in the roll-out?
What obstacles might be in the way of moving this forward?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?

6 Decision making
I remember that I once had three meetings with someone and focused quite
a lot of time and energy on the opportunity, before finding out that this
person was not the decision maker. Have you ever done something similar?
Find out what the decision-making process is and who is involved. This will
allow you to focus your energy.

Here are some questions you might consider:

What can you tell me about your decision-making process?

Who is the key decision maker within the business?
How can we help support you internally?
How much support does this have at the executive level?
 Think about your own selling context. What other questions
are there that would work well for you?

7 Budget
There may or may not be a budget for your offering. It is really helpful to
know what amount has been budgeted and with what timescale. When
qualifying, assess where a prospect is in their buying cycle. So many
salespeople ignore the customer buying cycle and just enforce a rigid sales
cycle and wonder why they fail. If a customer has budget available and is
ready to buy immediately, then don’t ask unnecessary questions. Just close
the deal.

We were able once to do a deal with an organisation (later to become a key

account) in which they used their budget for the following year and we
invoiced them at a later date. They appreciated our flexibility!

Here are some questions you might consider:

How do you handle budget considerations?

What price range are you considering?
Who is paying for this?
How will the funding for the project be justified?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?

8 Momentum/qualifying
Salespeople sometimes spend too long talking to prospects when there is
little hope of the prospect buying and where there is no momentum. Ask
qualifying questions to establish whether this opportunity is worth pursuing.

Here are some questions you might consider:

What do you see as the next action steps?

What is your timeline for implementing/purchasing this type of
service/product?
What constraints do you have in this area?
What further information do we need to discuss before we move this
forward?

Think about your own selling context. What other questions

are there that would work well for you?

9 Extending the relationship

Of course, questions do not stop when the prospect becomes a customer.
Keep on asking questions. If they are delighted by you and your service
then ask questions that will allow you to extend the relationship or cross-
sell. Or ask them to give you a referral – people will happily do this if they
like the product/service and like you! Ask for referrals at the height of the
gratitude curve – when they think you are great and have offered an
outstanding service, or when they are experiencing the benefits of your
product.

Here are some questions you might consider:

What else are you looking to address in the business right now, or in
the future?
What other opportunities are there within the business?
Would it be helpful for you to know what else we offer?
Who else do you know in business who might like what we have to
offer?
Think about your own selling context. What other questions
are there that would work well for you?

So, it is not just about asking random questions in order

to tease out answers. Brilliant Selling needs to be
focused on asking the right questions at the right time to
the right person. Successful salespeople use similar
skills in this area to a top business coach – they ask
questions that:

are understandable and logical;

work to help the buyer get clarity;
and build momentum.

Take your time before each sales meeting you have in

the future and ask yourself which questions are most
appropriate. Notice that questions are the answer to
developing a better understanding of the people you
want to influence. The key points from this section are:

There are seven principles – be curious, have an

outcome, let the conversation flow, use open and closed
questions, make your questions understandable,
identify motivations and avoid offending your buyers.
Ask focused questions to identify needs and wants,
selection criteria, options, reaction to your
product/service, the people involved, decision making,
budget, qualification and how to extend the relationship.

And, of course, questions are only half of it. If you

cannot listen well then you will reduce rapport and be
unable to take the customer to the next stage …
Pearson Education Limited
Edinburgh Gate
Harlow CM20 2JE
United Kingdom
Tel: +44 (0)1279 623623
Web: www.pearson.com/uk

Chapter 3: Common thinking traps – and how to avoid them from Brilliant
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, 2nd edition by Dr Stephen Briers published
2012 (ISBN 9780273777731).
© Stephen Briers 2009, 2012

Chapter 4: Think your way to feeling great from Brilliant NLP, 3rd edition
by David Molden and Pat Hutchinson published 2012 (ISBN
9780273778738).
© Pearson Education Limited 2002, 2011

Chapter 10: Body language and attraction from Brilliant Body Language by
Max A. Eggert published 2010 (ISBN 9780273740742).
© Pearson Education Limited 2010

Chapter 8: Confidence at home and work from Brilliant Self Confidence,

2nd edition by Mike McClement published 2012 (ISBN 9781447929598).
© Pearson Education Limited 2010, 2012

Chapter 8: Numbers and names from Brilliant Memory Training by

Jonathan Hancock published 2011 (ISBN 9780273745815).
© Pearson Education Limited 2011

Chapter 9: Your Achilles’ heel from Brilliant Answers to Tough Interview

Questions, 4th edition by Susan Hodgson published 2011 (ISBN
9780273743897).
© Pearson Education Limited 2002, 2011

Chapter 4: Haggling from Brilliant Negotiations, 2nd edition by Nic

Peeling published 2011 (ISBN 9780273743248).
© Nic Peeling 2008, 2011
Chapter 10: Giving a brilliant performance from Brilliant Presentation, 3rd
edition by Richard Hall published 2011 (ISBN 9780273762461).
© Pearson Education Limited 2007, 2008, 2011

Chapter 15: The art of conversation from Brilliant Networking, 2nd edition
by Steven D’Souza published 2011 (ISBN 9780273743217).
© Pearson Education Limited 2008, 2011

Chapter 12: Asking the right questions from Brilliant Selling, 2nd edition
by Jeremy Cassell and Tom Bird published 2012 (ISBN 9780273771203).
© Pearson Education Limited 2012

This compilation © Pearson Education Limited 2013

The rights of Dr Stephen Briers, David Molden, Pat Hutchinson, Max A.

Eggert, Mike McClement, Jonathan Hancock, Susan Hodgson, Nic Peeling,
Richard Hall, Steven D’Souza, Jeremy Cassell and Tom Bird to be
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with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

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