The Self Compassion Skills Workbook PDF
The Self Compassion Skills Workbook PDF
The Self Compassion Skills Workbook PDF
Please note, this e-book contains some places that ask the reader to fill in questions or comments.
Please keep pen and paper handy as you read this e-book so that you can complete the exercises
within. This e-book also contains some exercises that point to corresponding audio tracks on “Guided
Meditations for Self-Compassion”, a downloadable companion resource available to readers at
http://www.selfcompassionworkbook.com/.
How to Use This Workbook
WORKBOOK
PART I
Introduction to Self-Compassion
1 What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-Compassion in My Life
The following exercises will help you to recognize the difference between self-
compassion and other types of attitudes.
As you read the following statements, notice which resonate with you and
circle them. These are attitudes that can arise when life is going well.
Self-critical attitude (examples) Self-compassionate attitude
(examples)
• I don’t deserve this. • I deserve good things, just like
everyone else.
• People will hate me if they see me • If people are jealous of me, it’s
happy. because they haven’t learned how
to recognize what’s beautiful in
their own lives.
As you read the following statements, notice which ones resonate with you
and circle them. These are attitudes that can arise when life feels hard.
Self-critical attitude (examples) Self-compassionate attitude
(examples)
• I deserve to suffer. • I know that everyone suffers
sometimes. When we suffer, we
need love and support.
THE FIRST STEP IN DEVELOPING ANY NEW SKILL IS FEELING CONFIDENT THAT you are
capable of doing it. Fortunately, every scientist who has studied the
development of compassion and self-compassion has concluded that it is
possible for anyone to develop self-compassion. No matter how self-critical or
angry or hopeless you feel, it is possible for you.
The second step in developing a new skill is being motivated enough to
work at it. One of the most important factors in cultivating self-compassion is
your willingness to practice. If you want to learn how to speak a new language
or play a musical instrument, everyone knows that practice is necessary. It’s
the same with developing self-compassion. If you are willing to dedicate
yourself to practicing the Map to Self-Compassion (Part II of this workbook)
and invest your time and energy, I promise that you will experience real
benefits.
Read the statement in the left column (The fear) and rate how much it
resonates for you, from 0 to 10. Then read the statement in the right column
(The reality) 3 times, pausing to take a breath each time. Finally, rate how
true the second statement seems, from 0 to 10. This exercise is designed to
help strengthen the confidence you feel in your ability to develop self-
compassion.
The fear: 0–10 The reality: 0–10
“This is just how I am. It’s People can learn new skills
too late for me to change.” and develop new strengths
throughout their lives.
Dr. Richard Davidson, one of the leading neuroscientists in the world, has
studied how compassion training affects your brain. He’s concluded that
anyone can develop greater compassion and self-compassion, but that it
requires practice. If you practice a little, you can develop a little self-
compassion. If you practice a lot, you can develop a lot.
According to Davidson’s research, there is no limit to the amount of
compassion and self-compassion that we can develop if we dedicate ourselves
to practice. In fact, when he studied Buddhist monks who had undergone
decades of intensive compassion training, he reported that they had developed
a level of inner peace and freedom beyond what most people would believe
possible. In other words, the sky is the limit. If you are willing to train yourself
in the practices that make up the Map to Self-Compassion, you can transform
your life.
All humans (in fact, all mammals) have a Care Circuit in their brain. Every
time you feel warmth and love, that brain circuit is active. If we could take a
detailed image of your brain, you would see it. Your Care Circuit releases
oxytocin (sometimes called the love hormone) and natural opiates to give you
that warm fuzzy feeling.
As you begin training in self-compassion, your Care Circuit is going to be
your best friend. You’ll be learning different practices that can activate it,
strengthen it, use it for emotional regulation, and to become kinder toward
yourself.
Developing self-compassion is relatively simple. It is about strengthening
the Care Circuit in your brain and learning how to use it when you need it.
EIGHT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES ABOUT SELF-COMPASSION
1. There is a specific circuit in your brain that scientists call the Care Circuit, which creates the
experience of compassion, warmth, and love.ii
2. Self-compassion training strengthens your Care Circuit—like exercising a muscle.iii
3. With enough compassion training, your Care Circuit can literally grow in size so that the increase
is visible on a brain scan. iv
4. The Care Circuit is one of the primary emotional circuits in the brain that creates happiness and
well-being.v
5. Activating the Care Circuit through self-compassion training reduces every form of emotional
distress, including anxiety, depression, and anger.vi
6. Compassion training for 30 minutes a day for 14 days creates significant changes in the brain and
leads to more prosocial and altruistic behavior.vii
7. Eight weeks of compassion training can make your temperament or personality significantly more
positive.viii
8. Scientists have documented that Buddhist monks with intensive training in compassion have the
strongest markers for happiness in their brains that have ever been recorded.ix
There is no limit to the amount of compassion (for yourself and others) that
you can develop in your life if you are willing to practice. Your body and your
brain are designed to feel compassion, and the more you engage your Care
Circuit, the stronger and bigger it becomes. There is nothing stopping you
from developing a radically new way of relating to yourself—with kindness
and love.
3 What Self-Compassion Looks Like: Vignettes
and Exercises
Many people are afraid that if they stop criticizing themselves, they will no
longer be motivated to grow and succeed. However, research has shown
that the exact opposite is true. People who motivate themselves with
kindness (rather than criticism) are much better at persevering through
adversity and using failures as opportunities to learn.x
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Marcus thinks to himself, “Don’t blow it. You’ve wanted this your whole life, so you better not
screw it up now. Don’t be a loser. Don’t be a baby. Don’t be an idiot. You’ve got to learn
everything, because you can be sure that the one thing you skip is going to be on the test and you
will flunk. If you flunk, your life is over! Flunking this test means you will never get a job and
you will be a complete failure. Now get going and study! No excuses!
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
Marcus thinks to himself, “You’re afraid of failing at this, and that’s OK. You really want to
succeed as a lawyer and this is important to you. It makes sense you’d be scared. But no matter
what happens, you’ll be OK. If you end up being a lawyer, that will be wonderful. If not, you will
find something else that you love. Regardless of what happens, you will learn and grow from this
experience. I know you are capable of passing these exams if you give it your full effort. I know
you can do it. I believe in you.
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
(Write what she might think to motivate herself with self-criticism. For example, “Don’t be
weak!”)
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
(Write what she might think to motivate herself with self-compassion. Make sure that she accepts
that she’s struggling and encourages herself with kindness. For example, “I know this is hard, but
you’ll make it through.”)
The times in our lives when we most need compassion are moments of loss,
rejection, failure, and other misfortunes. The problem is that we don’t
always have a kind and caring person available at those times to offer
emotional support. However, when we have developed self-compassion,
this care and support is present inside ourselves whenever we need it most.
We all have pain from our past that we carry around with us—moments
in which we felt entirely cut off from love and compassion. In fact, we
could even define emotional pain as the absence of compassion. It is
especially important, therefore, that we develop self-compassion—the
ability to generate compassion for ourselves—so that we will never be
completely without this vital energy. Practicing self-compassion in life’s
challenging moments provides us with a deep source of resilience and
strength.
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Jack thinks, “Of course she doesn’t like me. Why would she? She’s too good for me. I must have
said something stupid or she just thinks I’m ugly. Why am I so lame and weird looking? I wish I
were a different person. I hate who I am.”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
OTHER-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Jack thinks, “Are you kidding me? Who does she think she is? There is something seriously
wrong with her. I bet she’s the type of woman who only likes alcoholics or stupid guys so she can
feel superior. I hope she dies alone.”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
Jack thinks, “I’m disappointed and sad. I was really hoping to get to know her better. It’s OK to let
myself feel sad when something I want doesn’t happen. I don’t need to make these feelings go
away.” James puts his hands on his heart and pays attention to the sensation of his breath as it
goes in and out. He gives himself some time to feel his feelings. When his sadness begins to
lessen, he thinks, “This didn’t work out, but there’s no way to know if dating her would have been
wonderful or terrible. It’s possible that this is going to open me up for something much better. I
wanted to date her, but sometimes life has even better plans for us.”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-PITY RESPONSE
(Write what she might think if she responds with self-pity. She doesn’t blame herself, but she feels
like a helpless victim. For example, “Why does this always happen to me? I must be cursed!”)
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
(Write what she might think if she responds with self-criticism. For example, “I’m so stupid! I
should have noticed the other car was parked too close.”)
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
(Write what she might think if she responds with self-compassion. For example, “It’s OK to feel
sad about this. Whatever you feel is just fine. Remember, you are safe and there are a lot of
wonderful things in life, too.”)
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Cheryl could think, “I must be toxic. I ruined a perfectly good marriage because I can’t
communicate. There is something deeply wrong with me. I’m sure I will destroy any new
relationship too. The best thing for me is to be alone so I won’t ruin another man’s life.”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
OTHER-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Cheryl could think, “This is all his fault. I can’t believe he would do this to me. He destroyed our
marriage and has made me hate myself. He is so negative and judgmental. I just hate him!”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-PITY RESPONSE
Cheryl could think, “Why did this happen to me? Don’t I deserve to be happy? What did I
possibly do to deserve this life? Other people have good marriages and happy families, but not
me. My life is ruined, and I’ll never be happy again!”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
Cheryl could think, “I need to give myself permission to grieve this loss without worrying about
who is to blame. I don’t really understand what went wrong, but I know that my marriage was
incredibly painful. I also know that I felt completely starved of love and compassion.” Cheryl
takes all the time she needs to feel her sadness as sensations in her body without getting caught in
her stories about it. Then she visualizes herself near the end of her marriage and sees how alone
and unloved she felt. Picturing herself in the past, she says, “I know you feel so unloved right
now, but I love you, and I see how special and lovable you are.” She sends love and compassion
to herself in the past, right in the moment that she needed it most. After continuing this practice
each day for a few weeks, she discovers that she’s not so afraid of a new relationship.
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-PITY RESPONSE
(Write what she might say if she responds with self-pity. Remember that a self-pity response
acknowledges suffering, but assumes that you don’t have the power to make things better. For
example, “It’s not your fault that you look like this. You have bad luck and there’s nothing you
can do about it.”)
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
(Write what she might say if she responds with self-criticism. For example, “You’re so weak and
pathetic.”)
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
(Write what she might say if she responds with self-compassion. For example, “I know it’s scary
and hard to do this. Whatever you’re feeling is OK. It’s alright if you need to take a break from
your diet. You can just try again when you’re ready. I want you to be healthy, but I don’t want you
to feel ashamed. No matter what, you are a lovable person.”)
Compassion for Every Part of Ourselves
We all have parts of ourselves that we wish were different. We might wish our depression would
go away, or our clumsiness, or our quick temper. However, this desire to grow and improve can
become harmful if it turns into hating aspects of ourselves. There’s a difference between wanting
to worry less and hating myself when I worry. One is motivated by the desire to grow and the
other is motivated by the belief that I am unacceptable as I am.
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
Nancy could think, “What’s wrong with me? I’m doing it again and it’s ruining my life. I hate it
when I do this. Stop worrying! You’re pathetic and weak. Just stop it.”
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
Nancy could think, “I’m worrying again, and I really wish I could stop.” She sits down, puts her
hands on her heart, and focuses on the physical tension and agitation in her body—giving herself
permission to feel it without trying to change it. Then she visualizes her grandmother and thinks
about how her grandmother can love and accept her even when she is overcome with worry. She
imagines her grandmother saying, “No matter what you’re feeling or what you’re thinking, I love
you completely.” With just a few minutes of this practice, she feels much calmer.
How much of the time do you think like this? (0–100%) ___________
SELF-CRITICAL RESPONSE
(Write what a self-critical way of relating to his anger might sound like. For example, “What’s
wrong with you? Stop being such a terrible person!”)
SELF-COMPASSIONATE RESPONSE
(Write what a self-compassionate way of relating to his anger might sound like. For example,
“When you get angry, I know that it’s because you’re suffering, and you need compassion. It’s OK
for suffering to come up for you. Just remember to send yourself compassion.”)
PART II
The Map to Self-Compassion
Step-by-Step Guided Training Sessions
4 Navigating the Map
Finding the Right Practice for You
Begin each self-compassion training session with Practice 1: The Self-Compassion Body Scan. Then
follow the Map to Self-Compassion to find the most appropriate practice for you.
Once you begin your 14-day program, use the Practice Journal at the end
of this chapter to keep track of the duration of your practice sessions (I suggest
30 minutes per day), which practices you used, and your personal notes about
what happened. When you’ve completed your 14-day program, you can decide
how much time each day you want to devote to your ongoing practice of self-
compassion.
You can set up your practice sessions any way you’d like. However, here are
some suggestions that many people find helpful:
Try to schedule your training sessions at the same time each day. This
will help you create a rhythm and make it easier to be consistent.
Try not to schedule any commitments immediately after your training
sessions. Many people find these practices bring up strong emotions, and
it’s helpful to have some downtime afterward.
Try to schedule your training sessions so you won’t be disturbed. Turn
off your phone, and put away anything that could distract you.
Social support can make these practices much easier. If you let friends or
family know you are engaging with this training, they might be able to
offer encouragement or other types of help. Consider looking online for a
local meditation group. You can refer to Chapters 6, 7, and 8 for more
about social support.
This workbook has some space for you to write responses as you’re
practicing, but it will fill up after one or two training sessions. You can
use separate paper or a dedicated journal for writing your responses to
each practice.
The practices in this workbook are powerful, and they can bring up intense
emotions. This is usually a good thing, because it can mean you are
experiencing deep transformation. However, it is also possible to become
overwhelmed by intense feelings so that you can no longer process them
effectively. During your training sessions, it’s ideal for your emotions to be
strong but not overwhelming. As a general guideline, the level of emotional
intensity should ideally be between 4 and 8 out of 10. If it’s below 4, then it’s
probably not deep enough to create real change. If it’s over 8, it’s likely too
intense to process effectively.
If you become overwhelmed at any point during a training session, go
directly to Practice 7 or 8 to ground yourself and restore a sense of safety, or
just take a break and relax. The following are a list of symptoms that indicate
you are overwhelmed and no longer processing emotions effectively. DO NOT
CONTINUE a practice if you begin experiencing any of the following:
It’s important to find the right balance between these two categories of
practice. If you’re spending too much time with the first and neglecting the
second, you’ll notice that the changes you experience seem a little superficial.
You might have learned how to find peace in yourself when you’re alone, but
the deep source of your suffering remains unchanged. It continues to come up,
and you feel like you have to practice constantly to keep it at bay. If this is the
case, you need to focus more on embracing your suffering with understanding
and compassion to transform it at its roots.
On the other hand, if you focus exclusively on the second category and
neglect the first, your practice will feel exhausting. It will feel like you have
spent hours getting in touch with your suffering, but no real transformation has
occurred. Your practice will feel uninspired, routine, and like a chore. This is
because we need to cultivate a reservoir of compassion and joy within us.
These energies act like a source of fuel that enables us to be fully present with
our suffering. The purpose of Practices 7 and 8 is to help you fill your
reservoir of joy.
You can take these quizzes before and after your 14-day training program to
measure your progress. The first quiz measures the strength of suffering in
you. Self-compassion has the power to embrace and transform suffering, so
you might find that your score goes down after your training program. The
second quiz measures the strength of compassion in you, so the program is
designed to help that score increase. If you find this program was helpful, you
can continue indefinitely.
I feel anxious. 1 2 3 4 5
I feel angry. 1 2 3 4 5
Practice Journal
6
Length of Which
Day session (in practice(s)
No. Date minutes) used (1–8) Notes
7
10
11
12
Length of Which
Day session (in practice(s)
No. Date minutes) used (1–8) Notes
13
14
5 The Practices
Practice Instructions
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open
or closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Now that you have assessed the sensations that are present in your body,
use the following questions to determine which practice to use next.
Do you notice any tension, agitation, heaviness, or any other form of
discomfort in your body?
No. If you don’t find any discomfort in your body—which means you
feel completely relaxed and open—then go to Practice 8: Cultivating
Joy. This will help you strengthen the wellness you already feel.
Yes. Do you find the discomfort overwhelming? Do you feel
exhausted? Are you able to stay present with it?
Overwhelming. If it is overwhelming, try asking the part of
yourself that feels distressed, “Can you step back a little so I can
listen to you and try to help?” If that works, go to Practice 2: Self-
Acceptance. If it still feels overwhelming, go to either Practice 7:
Natural Compassion or Practice 8: Cultivating Joy, which will help
you regulate the intensity of your feelings.
Exhausted. This could indicate that your reservoir of joy and
compassion is running low. If so, go to either Practice 7: Natural
Compassion or Practice 8: Cultivating Joy.
Can stay present. If you can stay present with it, go to Practice 2:
Self-Acceptance.
Here are a few examples of what this practice can look like. The main point
here is to notice whether any distress is present in your body, and then to
use the questions above to choose your next practice.
Oren closes his eyes and focuses on his breath. He pays careful
attention to the physical sensations as his breath comes in and goes
out. After 3 breaths, he imagines his awareness expanding to fill his
entire body. As he does so, he notices tension in his face and a heavy
feeling in his heart. He takes a few breaths and asks himself, “Is this
overwhelming, or can I stay present?” Finding that he can stay present
with this level of discomfort in his body, he goes to Practice 2: Self-
Acceptance.
When Janelle tries to focus on her body, she doesn’t notice any
sensation at all. She asks herself, “Am I feeling relaxed and well?” and
it’s clear that she is not. She just can’t feel anything. Then she asks
herself, “Am I feeling numb?” and immediately realizes that she is.
Since she doesn’t feel overwhelmed, she also goes to Practice 2.
Joanne has been practicing with the Map to Self-Compassion for
almost a year. She spends 30–45 minutes a day, 5 or 6 days per week,
with her practice sessions. When she sits down and brings her
awareness to her body, she feels deeply relaxed and happy. She spends
about 10 minutes paying close attention to her body, waiting to see if
there is any distress that might want to arise, and enjoying the pleasant
sensations that are present in her. Then, she moves to Practice 8:
Cultivating Joy, to make her happiness deeper and more stable.
As Bruce tries to focus on his breath, he feels distracted and uneasy.
After a few breaths, he tries to pay attention to his whole body, but
he’s overwhelmed with panic. When he tries to name what he is
feeling, he just pops out of the exercise. Bruce knows this often
happens to him when he tries to be present in his body, so he isn’t
worried. He just skips to Practice 7: Natural Compassion, to calm his
agitation.
Now, after you’ve completed the Practice Instructions for this chapter,
use the Body-Scan Practice Questions to determine which practice to do
next.
Practice 2
Self-Acceptance
It can be helpful to use the diagram above to think about how mindfulness practice deepens
over time. We might begin by merely tolerating the sensations in the body. After some time, we
develop acceptance. We might think, “I don’t need to make these feelings go away. It’s OK for me
to feel them.” Later, we can welcome our feelings. We might now think, “Hello, anger. I’m here
for you and willing to pay attention to you.” And eventually, we learn how to embrace our
feelings with warmth and love. We think, “Dear sadness, I see that you are present, and I am so
happy to take care of you.”
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
The following practice instructions correspond to track 2 on
“Guided Meditations for Self-Compassion,” at
http://www.selfcompassionworkbook.com/.
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open
or closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Bring your attention to all the sensations in your body. Pay special
attention to your face, head, chest, and belly.
Now, see if you can allow all those sensations to be as strong as they
want to be. Allow yourself to feel them completely without trying to make
them change at all. The goal of this practice is not to make unpleasant
sensations go away. Instead, you are allowing yourself to feel whatever
sensations arise in your body with total openness and acceptance. They
might get stronger, change in some way, or remain the same. You are just
watching and feeling. You might say to yourself, “It’s OK for me to feel
what I’m feeling. I can let it get stronger if it wants to, or fade away. I don’t
need to fight anything.” Write down what you notice. For example, “tension
in my heart starts to relax,” or “heaviness in my belly gets stronger.”
If your thoughts are distracting you from staying present with the
sensations in your body, don’t fight them or try to suppress them. Go
to the Mindfulness of Thoughts exercise below.
If the feelings in your body become so intense that you feel
overwhelmed, go to Practice 7 or 8.
If the sensations in your body get stronger, begin to fade, or new
sensations arise, continue Mindfulness of the Body practice.
Bring your attention to all of the sensations in your body. With each
breath, allow yourself to feel whatever arises. If the sensations in your body
are pleasant (like relaxation, warmth, or openness), give yourself
permission to enjoy them. If they are unpleasant (like tension, agitation, or
heaviness), try to embrace them with open acceptance. Feel them and let
them be as strong as they want to be. Every feeling that arises in your body
is OK. See if you can allow yourself to be open to all of them. You might
say to yourself, “Whatever feelings arise in my body are OK, whether
they’re pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. I’m not trying to change anything.
My only job is to be open and feel whatever comes up in myself.” Continue
this practice for 5–10 minutes. Whenever you notice a change, write it
down.
Mindfulness of Thoughts
Practice Instructions
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open
or closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
As you are practicing mindfulness of the body, thoughts will arise that
make it difficult to stay concentrated on your bodily sensations. When this
happens, the first thing to do is to recognize that a thought is present, and
name it as a thought. Don’t argue with it or try to make it go away.
Recognize that it’s just a thought, and allow it to stay or go however it
wants. Then return to mindfulness of the body practice.
Embracing Suffering
When you experience the feeling of compassion, the Care Circuit in your
brain releases oxytocin and natural opiates. It also dramatically reduces
every form of mental distress (and many forms of physical distress, as
well). This practice uses your brain’s Care Circuit to relieve stress, anxiety,
depression, and other negative emotions.
The practice of Embracing Suffering is much more effective after you
have spent at least a few minutes practicing Self-Acceptance, as described
in the previous chapter. You begin by accepting all your bodily sensations
and thoughts without trying to change them in any way. This deep
acceptance is the best foundation for generating compassion.
Every human being suffers. It is something that we all have in common.
We all experience loss, frustration, and anxiety at different times in our
lives. We know what it’s like to feel lonely, sad, and angry. However, most
of us have never learned the art of embracing our suffering with compassion
so that it is transformed into peace and understanding. That’s the purpose of
this practice.
There are two types of embracing suffering:
The following example illustrates the first type of embracing suffering with
compassion.
PRACTICE EXAMPLE
Tina places both hands on her heart and becomes aware of the grief and
loneliness within her. She feels those feelings as a weight in her chest and
nausea in her stomach. After a few breaths of feeling those feelings without
trying to change them at all, Tina visualizes her grandmother. She lets the
image of her grandmother become very clear in her mind, and immediately
notices some relief in her body. She visualizes her grandmother saying to
her, “May you be peaceful. May you be loved,” over and over again. With
each repetition, she feels the suffering in her body melt away until she feels
peaceful and well.
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
The following practice instructions correspond to track 4 on
“Guided Meditations for Self-Compassion,” at
http://www.selfcompassionworkbook.com/.
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open
or closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
In the last exercise, Self-Acceptance, you became aware of the suffering
that is present in your body. Whatever form this distress is taking—whether
it’s anger, fear, sadness, frustration, loneliness, tension, heaviness in the
body, or anything else—you recognize that it is there. In this practice, as in
the previous one, you are not trying to make your suffering go away. You
remain grounded in a deep acceptance of yourself and everything you are
experiencing. Describe how you are experiencing your suffering right now.
Now see if you can picture someone—a person you’ve known, a
religious figure, an animal, an archetype (imaginary person), or even an
image from nature—and visualize them loving and accepting you right in
this moment. They can see how you are suffering and they are filled with
compassion for you. Write down the person you choose:
(Note: If you can’t imagine anyone loving and accepting you, go to Practice
4: Healing Pain From the Past.)
Now continue to concentrate on that person. Let the image be very clear.
Some people like to use a photo or other physical image if they have a
difficult time visualizing. Recognize how they love and accept you right in
this moment that you are suffering. Notice the sensations in your body.
(Note: If you notice tension or any other form of distress in your body, go to
Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.)
Continue to concentrate on that person and allow the positive feelings in
your body to become as strong as they want to be. The person can express
acceptance and love in whatever way feels most impactful to you. Pay
attention to the positive sensations in your body, and try saying to yourself,
“It’s alright to feel this. I can let this feeling be as strong as it wants to be.”
(Continue for 1–3 minutes.)
Now picture that person saying the following phrases to you (feel free to
use other phrases if these aren’t helpful).
Picture the person saying these phrases a few times and allow the
positive feelings in your body to be as strong as they want to be. Write
down whether the positive sensations in your body have grown stronger or
have changed in any way.
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
In the last exercise, Self-Acceptance, you became aware of the suffering
that is present in your body. Whatever form this distress is taking—whether
it’s anger, fear, sadness, frustration, loneliness, tension or heaviness in the
body, or anything else—you recognize that it is there. In this practice, as in
the previous one, you are not trying to make your suffering go away. You
remain grounded in a deep acceptance of yourself and everything you are
experiencing. Describe how you are experiencing your suffering right now.
Now place your hands on your heart, on the sides of your face, or
anywhere that feels comforting. See if you can direct the energy of love and
compassion toward yourself in this moment. Focus especially on the places
in your body where you feel your suffering. You might try saying to
yourself, “I see that you are suffering, and I am here for you.” As you
practice in this way, notice the sensations that arise in your body. Write
down what you notice:
(Note: If this practice isn’t feeling helpful to you right now, go to Practice
4: Healing Pain From the Past.)
Continue to concentrate and allow the positive feelings in your body to
become as strong as they want to be.
(Continue for 1–3 minutes.)
Now try saying the following phrases to yourself. Feel free to use other
phrases if these aren’t helpful.
Write down whether the positive sensations in your body have grown
stronger or changed in any way:
PRACTICE QUESTION
Did you have a strong positive experience with either of these practices?
If yes, continue with these practices for the rest of the time you’ve
allotted for this training session.
If not, try Practice 4: Healing Pain From the Past.
Practice 4
For this type of deep transformation to occur, all we need to do is to get in touch with pain from
our past as well as our compassion for ourselves—both at the same time.
Just bringing up pain with no compassion is the same as continuously ruminating, which
only causes the pain to get worse.
Just bringing up compassion with no pain is the same as doing Practice 7 or 8, which builds
joy and regulates emotions but is not transformative.
Bringing up pain and compassion together can lead to deep transformation.
The purpose of this practice is to heal and transform the pain from your
past.
Darrel was emotionally abused by his parents when he was a child. He now
suffers from insecurity and self-criticism. As he begins this practice, he
allows himself to get in touch with his insecurity as a shrinking feeling and
the sense of wanting to cry. He feels this in his body for a few breaths—just
allowing himself to feel it. Then he reflects on the first time he felt this way.
He remembers a moment when he was very young (he thinks around 5)
when his father was yelling at him and his mother wouldn’t look at him. As
he recollects that image, the feelings in his body become stronger.
Now he imagines standing next to this sad and lonely 5-year-old boy,
and feels a well of compassion arise in him. He tells the little boy that he is
perfect, and that his parents are only like that because they haven’t learned
how to be kind to anyone. It is not the little boy’s fault. He expresses to the
boy that he loves him very much and wants to help him. The boy seems
relieved, and Darrel spends nearly an hour feeling this connection with
himself as a little boy. When he ends his practice, he notices a profound
sense of peace in himself.
Practice Instructions
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open
or closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Become aware of the suffering that is present in you in this moment.
Whatever form this distress is taking—whether it’s anger, fear, sadness,
frustration, loneliness, tension or heaviness in the body, or anything else—
you recognize that it is there. In this practice, you are not trying to make
your suffering go away. You are grounded in deep acceptance toward
yourself and everything you are experiencing. Describe how you are
experiencing your suffering right now.
As you are feeling this suffering in your body, ask yourself, “When was
the first time I can remember feeling this exact feeling?” It doesn’t need to
be the first time ever, just the first time you can remember. Write down a
brief note about the specific memory or general time period that arises:
(Note: If you start to feel overwhelmed, go to Practice 8: Cultivating Joy.)
Picture yourself at the age you were in that memory. Do not visualize
yourself during a traumatic event. Instead, just picture yourself at that age.
You are still your present self, and you are looking at your past self. No one
else is around in this scene. Look at your past self and pay attention to the
expression on your past self’s face. Notice the feelings that come up for you
and what you feel like saying to your past self. Write down these feelings
and what you feel like saying:
(Note: If your feelings or words could be considered caring or
compassionate, continue with this exercise. However, if you feel angry,
blaming, or indifferent toward your past self, go to Practice 6: When
Compassion Is Difficult.)
Now express your compassion to your past self. You might say what
you’ve been feeling, or interact in some other way. Consider telling your
past self that he or she is lovable and does not deserve to be treated badly.
Alternatively, you can imagine someone else who symbolizes great
compassion expressing their love for your past self. Notice how your past
self responds. Does he or she accept the affection? Seem defensive or
argue? Write down a brief description of the interaction:
Continue to dialogue with your past self until you are sure that he or she
can receive your compassion. Then go on expressing your compassion in
whatever way feels most powerful to you. Pay attention to the sensations in
your body as you express your love.
Continue this practice for 5–20 minutes.
Still picturing your past self, try saying the following phrases. Feel free
to change them to something else if these aren’t helpful.
Did you have a strong positive experience with either of these practices?
If yes, continue with these practices for the rest of the time you’ve
allotted for this training session.
If not, try Practice 5: Going Deeper.
Practice 5
Going Deeper
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Become aware of the suffering that is present in your body in this
moment. Whatever form this distress is taking—whether it’s tension,
heaviness, agitation, numbness, or anything else—you recognize that it is
there. Notice if it is located in a particular part of your body, or if it’s
everywhere. In this practice, you are not trying to make your suffering go
away. You are grounded in deep acceptance of yourself and everything you
are experiencing. Describe how you are experiencing your suffering right
now.
Now you will experiment with addressing questions to this sensation in
your body. This practice might or might not feel relevant to you at this time,
and that’s fine. We’re just experimenting. You will ask a few different
questions to the sensations in your body, and just listen for a response. We
aren’t answering these questions intellectually. We’re seeing if you notice a
spontaneous response when you address them to the suffering in your body.
Now become aware again of the sensations in your body associated with
your suffering, slowly ask the following questions, and write down
whatever information that comes into your awareness:
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Become aware of the suffering that is present in your body in this
moment. Spend at least 10 breaths feeling this sensation in your body
without trying to change it. Now, reflect on the first time you can remember
feeling this way. Get a clear mental image of yourself at that age. Pay close
attention to the expression on your past self’s face. Notice the feelings that
come up in you as you let yourself become fully present with your past self.
Try saying, “I am here to listen to you.” If your past self responds in any
way, write down the response:
Now you will experiment with asking your past self a few questions.
This practice might or might not feel relevant to you at this time, and that’s
fine—we’re just experimenting. You will ask a few different questions of
your past self and just listen for a response. We aren’t answering these
questions intellectually. We’re just seeing if you notice a spontaneous
response when you address them to your past self. Now, slowly, ask these
questions of your past self and write down whatever information you hear:
If yes, continue to dialogue with your past self for as long as it feels
helpful. Experiment with going back to Practice 4: Healing Pain From
the Past if your past self seems more open to receiving compassion
from you now.
If your past self says anything self-critical or reacts negatively to your
kindness, go to Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.
LISTENING TO A PAST SELF PRACTICE – EXAMPLE
When Medea tried expressing love and compassion to her 6-year-old self,
the little girl seemed to distrust her affection. Medea stayed with the
visualization and asked her little girl, “Are you afraid?” The girl said,
“Yes.” Then Medea asked, “What are you doing to keep yourself safe?” and
the girl responded that if she lets her guard down, someone will attack her.
Medea empathized and told the girl how sad it made her to hear that people
have been cruel to her. Then Medea explained that she (her adult self) has
the power to prevent anyone from hurting the little girl ever again. Through
this dialogue, Medea’s 6-year-old self started to become willing to trust.
When the girl’s guard finally began to come down, Medea went back to
expressing love and compassion for her. After 25 minutes of that practice,
Medea felt exhausted and took a long nap. When she awoke, she felt a
profound shift in how she felt about herself and a deeper sense of
confidence than ever before.
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
As you begin to bring your attention to the sensations in your body,
notice whatever thoughts, distractions or resistance might arise. Pay
attention to whatever form this distraction or resistance is taking. Try saying
to yourself, “There is a part of me that doesn’t want to practice self-
compassion in this way.” If this feels true to say, then allow yourself to get
in touch with that part of you. You might feel it is located in a certain part
of your body, or that it has some kind of form or color. When you are in
touch with this part—when you feel that it is present—ask this part of
yourself, “What is your job? How are you trying to help?” Write down
anything you notice in response:
If you can, then continue your dialogue with it. Try to empathize with
this part of yourself, and to help it to understand your perspective.
Continue with this practice until the end of this training session.
If you don’t hear any response, or if this part is hostile or critical, go
to Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.
When you visualize yourself in the past (often as a child), you blame
your past self for your suffering.
When you visualize yourself in the past, your past self refuses to
believe he or she wasn’t to blame for your suffering.
There is a voice in you that is hostile or critical toward you, and you
haven’t been able to reconcile with it.
You’ve experienced strong feelings of distress in your body when
attempting self-compassion.
Here are some common reasons people hold onto self-criticism. Read
each one and notice if it resonates with you.
As you are in touch with your obstacle and these feelings in your body,
try saying these sentences to yourself and see if any of them feel true,
“There is a part of me that doesn’t want to stop feeling like this or doing
this to myself. There is a part of me that needs to hold onto this. There is a
part of me that thinks I deserve this.” Write down which sentence felt true
(if any) and anything else that came up for you:
Continue feeling those feelings in your body, and feeling in touch with
this part of yourself. Try saying to yourself, “I’m ready to listen to you. You
can tell me about your job, what you are trying to do and why it is so
important. I’m not going to attack you.” Write down whatever comes up:
Now try this sentence completion. Just write down whatever pops into
your head, and do it at least 5 times. Finish the sentence:
“I refuse to have compassion for myself because if I do . . .”
Choose the one or two sentences from the sentence completion exercise
that feel the most emotionally powerful to you. Repeat them a few times
(aloud or silently) and notice how old you feel when you say them. Write
down how old you feel (if there is a specific scene, include that):
Visualize yourself at that age. Once you have a clear image of your past
self, spend a few minutes trying to understand and empathize with this part
of yourself. Can you see how this part believed it was helping you or
meeting an important need? You can dialogue with your past self and ask
any questions you need to ask in order to understand the important purpose
for the belief, feeling, or behavior. Once you see this, acknowledge how it
was actually a realistic strategy at that time, and express appreciation for
how your past self was doing an important job. Write down what you
notice:
Now tell this part of yourself whatever important information it doesn’t
know. What does this part of you need to know in order to recognize that it
doesn’t need to continue blocking self-compassion in your life? (Often this
has to do with your present life being so much different from your life as a
child.) Continue dialoguing with this part until there is a mutual
understanding. This part will be willing to stop doing its job once you
communicate that you understand why it thought its job was so important,
and once you are able to convince it that its job is no longer necessary.
Spend as much time as you need to communicate this. Write down what
happens:
COMPETING COMMITMENTS PRACTICE – QUESTION
Did you discover a part of yourself that had a purpose for blocking self-
compassion?
Natural Compassion
Sending Practice
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable. You might place your hands on
your heart, wrap your arms around yourself in a hug, or place your hands on
the sides of your face.
Explore different objects—it can be a person, animal, or anything—until
you find one that brings up natural and uncomplicated feelings of warmth
and love. Write down the object you chose. You might also draw a picture
of it, or find a photo or printed image you can hold:
(Note: If you notice tension or any other form of distress in your body, skip
this exercise and go to Receiving Practice.)
Continue to concentrate on your object and allow the positive feelings in
your body to become as strong as they want to be.
(Continue for at least 10 breaths.)
Now try saying the following phrases to the object you are picturing.
Feel free to change these phrases, or not to use them if they aren’t helpful.
Repeat these phrases a few times and allow the positive feelings in your
body to be as strong as they want to be. Write down the body sensations
you notice now:
If yes, continue to practice it for the rest of the time you’ve allotted
for this training session. In your next session, you can choose to begin
with Practice 1 or return directly to this practice.
If not, try Receiving Practice.
Receiving Practice
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable. You might place your hands on
your heart, wrap your arms around yourself in a hug, or place your hands on
the sides of your face.
See if you can picture someone—it could be someone you’ve known, a
religious figure, an image from nature, an animal, or even a white light—
who could love and accept you completely. Write down the person you
choose:
Now continue to concentrate on that person. Let the image be very clear.
Notice the sensations in your body. Do you notice relaxation, tension,
lightness, or any other sensation? Write down the body sensations you
notice:
(Note: If you notice tension or any other form of distress in your body, skip
this exercise and go to Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.)
Continue to concentrate on that person and allow the positive feelings in
your body to become as strong as they want to be.
(Continue for at least 10 breaths.)
Now picture that person saying the following phrases to you. (Feel free
to change these phrases, or not use them if they aren’t helpful.)
Picture the person saying these phrases a few times and allow the
positive feelings in your body to be as strong as they want to be. Write
down the body sensations you notice now:
If yes, continue to practice it for the rest of the time you’ve allotted
for this training session. In your next session, you can choose to begin
with Practice 1 or come directly back here.
If not, go to Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable. You might place your hands on
your heart, wrap your arms around yourself in a hug, or place your hands on
the sides of your face.
Picture someone—a person or an animal—with whom you feel safe and
comfortable. Let the image of that person become clear. Write down the
person you choose:
With each breath, you will alternate sending and receiving compassion.
With each in breath, imagine receiving compassion—either from this other
person or from another source. With each out breath, imagine sending
compassion to this other person. Recognize that it’s possible for both of you
to receive compassion and there is no competition. Write down the body
sensations you notice:
Cultivating Joy
Many pessimists believe they are just being rational and realistic, but
actually the opposite is true. A pessimistic perspective on life is an entirely
irrational position, and I’ll explain why.
If you truly want to be rational and realistic, you have to admit that you
have no idea what will happen in the future. In fact, we don’t know what
will happen just 2 minutes from now.
There is a story about a farmer that makes this point very clear. Once
there was a farmer whose horse ran away, and all his neighbors came over
and said, “What bad luck.” The farmer replied, “Maybe.” A few days later,
the horse came back and brought five wild horses with it. The neighbors
came over again and said, “What good luck.” The farmer said, “Maybe.”
Then the farmer’s son tried to ride one of the wild horses, but he was
thrown and broke his arm. The neighbors said, “What bad luck.” And again,
the farmer said, “Maybe.” Finally the army came through the village
conscripting all the able-bodied young men to fight in a war, but they left
the farmer’s son at home because of his arm. The neighbors came over to
say, “What good luck.” The farmer said, “Maybe.”
Even when something has already happened, we can’t know how it will
affect us in the future, so the only rational perspective is to admit that we
don’t know. However, since there is no way to know whether some event in
your life will ultimately be good or bad for you, you might decide that it’s
practical to believe it will be good.
If you lose your job, you might decide to believe that it’s a good thing—
not because you think you can predict the future, but because that optimistic
belief will help you have more energy and enthusiasm in your job search.
On the other hand, a pessimistic perspective that expects a negative
outcome is not only irrational—since you can’t know one way or the other
—but it is generally not practical either because it will often hurt your
ability to act.
There are several ways that you can use this practice:
If you are feeling peaceful and relaxed after Practice 1: The Self-
Compassion Body Scan, this practice can help you deepen your
experience of well-being.
If you feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your suffering at any
point during your training, this practice can help you regulate your
emotions.
This practice can help you balance embracing suffering with
nourishing your happiness. If you focus too much on your suffering,
you can become exhausted. It is important to use this practice to
replenish the reservoir of energy you need to bring compassion to your
suffering.
PRACTICE INSTRUCTIONS
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Bring your attention to the sensation of your breath as it comes in and
goes out of your body. See if you can follow this sensation from the
beginning of your in breath until the end of your out breath.
(Practice for 3–5 breaths.)
Allow yourself to enjoy the sensation of your breath, recognizing that it
is a pleasant sensation. Give yourself permission to do nothing but enjoy the
sensation of your breath, right in this moment. You have nothing else to do,
and nowhere else to go—right now. With a spirit of generosity toward
yourself, enjoy the sensation of your breath.
(Practice for 5–10 breaths.)
As you breathe, feel the energy of life within you. You are alive in this
moment, and this is a precious gift. Give yourself permission to feel truly
alive right now. With each breath, feel the energy of life within you. Every
minute of life is incredibly precious. Allow yourself to feel the joy of being
alive as you breathe.
(Practice for 5–10 breaths.)
Now imagine that you were in a hospice with just 5 minutes to live—
take a moment for that to feel real. Then, someone comes into your room
and says they could give you another 24 hours to be alive. It would be such
a miracle! In reality, you do have 24 hours to be alive, and it is a precious
miracle. As you breathe, let yourself appreciate each moment of being
alive.
(Practice for 5–10 breaths.)
Now become aware of all the parts of your body that are healthy and
functioning. We all have parts that hurt or don’t function the way we’d like,
but there is more to life than just that. There are also many parts of your
body that are healthy, and it would be deeply unfortunate to ignore the
conditions for happiness that are available to you right now. Can your eyes
see the blue sky? Can your ears hear the song of birds and the laughter of
children? Can your tongue taste warm tea? Can your body feel the embrace
of your loved ones? In every moment there are infinite reasons to suffer and
infinite reasons to be happy. Right now, we are dedicating ourselves to
paying attention to what is good in life. As you breathe, allow your mind to
recollect the miracles of life.
(Practice for 5–10 breaths.)
Now we let go of whatever is preventing us from being fully present in
this moment of life. We let go of all of our projects and busyness. Even if
these projects are never completed, happiness is still possible. We let go of
the past and the future, because we know life is only available in this
moment. Feeling fully present, having let go of any burdens, and aware of
the miracles of life, you calmly breathe in and breathe out.
(Practice for 5–10 breaths.)
Now bring your attention to the sensations in your body. Notice any
tension, relaxation, warmth, openness, or other sensations. Write down what
you notice.
CULTIVATING JOY PRACTICE – QUESTION
Through this practice, are you able to generate happiness and well-being in
your body? Are the sensations you feel at the end of the practice generally
positive?
If yes, you can use this practice to strengthen your ability to find joy
in your life. It can also be used to replenish your energy when you’ve
been focused on embracing suffering.
If not, go to Practice 6: When Compassion Is Difficult.
LETTING GO
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Notice any tension or heaviness in your body, and explicitly let it go.
With each breath, feel the tension in your body dissolve.
Now ask yourself, “What do I believe that I need in order to be happy?
What don’t I have that I need?” Listen to yourself for a few breaths and see
what answer arises.
Now try saying to yourself, “Even without that, I know that happiness is
possible in this very moment. That thing may come into my life if it wants
to, but happiness is already available right now.”
Let go of the craving in you for reality to be different than it is in any
way. Try saying to yourself, “Happiness is possible right here and right
now, with the world exactly as it is. Nothing needs to change.”
NOTHING TO DO
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
As you breathe in and breathe out, allow yourself to stop everything you
are doing. Allow your body to stop, and gently invite your mind to stop
trying to accomplish anything or fix any problem. Try saying to yourself,
“Just for these few minutes, I am choosing to do nothing. I can try to fix,
solve, or create things later, but for now, I’m allowed to do nothing.” Keep
breathing and letting go.
Try saying, “Right now, I am here in this place. There is nowhere else I
can be right now. I am here. Right now, I’m not doing anything. Everything
in my life can wait a few minutes while I rest and let go. Nowhere to go,
and nothing to do.”
Remember that happiness is already available to you in this moment.
You have everything you need to be happy. You don’t have to do anything
else in order for happiness to be possible.
INTERBEING
Arrange yourself in a comfortable posture. You can have your eyes open or
closed, whichever feels more comfortable.
Focus your attention on the sensation of your breathing. Allow your
breath to bring your mind completely into the present moment. Recognizing
that all of the conditions needed for you to be happy are already present,
you let go of any struggling or striving of any kind. Nothing needs to
change. Allow your mind to be calm.
Now become aware of your body. Recognize that every molecule that
makes up your body existed before it was part of you. Every water
molecule in your blood came into your body in the form of something you
ate or drank. Picture yourself sipping a cup of tea. While it is in your cup, it
is not your body. Then you drink. Now some of that water becomes part of
your body, part of your blood. Even before the water was part of your tea, it
existed for a long time in other places. It has been rain, rivers, oceans, and
clouds, as it moved through the water cycle. Now it has become part of you
for a period of time. As you breathe in and out, recognize that every
molecule in your body has been soil, stone, or sea. Your body is made
entirely of elements that have been other things, and will be again. You
realize that you are not separate or cut off from the rest of nature.
Feeling calm, open, and grounded in your conscious breathing, become
aware of the presence of your ancestors in you. It’s possible to see that your
body is a continuation of your mother’s and father’s bodies. The color of
your eyes, the tone of your skin, your height and facial features—it’s
possible to find your parents’ bodies present in all of these parts of you.
You have biological ancestors, and you also have spiritual ancestors.
These are the people who have taught you or your family how to live life.
All of these ancestors are present in your strengths and abilities. You can
see that their strengths and abilities have found a continuation in you. And
you can see that their suffering is present in you as well. In many ways,
your suffering can be seen as the continuation of the suffering of your
ancestors. It’s possible to see that every aspect of who you are is the
continuation of the strengths as well as the suffering of people who have
come before you. Now that you’ve been exposed to transformative
practices, you have the opportunity to choose to cultivate the strengths and
happiness in you. You can also choose to embrace and heal the suffering
that has been transmitted to you. As you heal this suffering, you heal many
generations in the past as well as the future.
PART III
Maintenance
Living Self-Compassionately
6 Everyday Practice
Peace Is Every Step
IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PRACTICE WITH THE MAP TO SELF-COMPASSION for 30
minutes a day for 14 days, that is a wonderful accomplishment. Take a
moment to celebrate what you’ve done. This is an extraordinary investment
of time and energy into your own well-being and the well-being of your
friends, family, coworkers, and society. It’s important to take time to
celebrate what is good in life. Otherwise, we miss out on so much beauty
and happiness.
Many causes and conditions have contributed to your completing this
program. You may have had family members or friends who helped you
develop the ability to persist and prioritize when you see something that can
help you. You might have experienced some loss or misfortune that
prompted you to work on developing self-compassion in your life. The
qualities or strengths that helped you arrive where you are today are the
product of many positive and negative experiences, as well as your learning
from many people. Take a moment to reflect on the various experiences and
people that helped you arrive where you are right now, and let yourself feel
gratitude for them. You might pause for a few breaths to see how all the
causes and conditions in your life have brought you to a place of greater
self-compassion.
Moving Forward
Now that you’ve completed your 14-day program, it’s time to consider how
you want to incorporate self-compassion practice into the rest of your life.
Although scientists have established that just 30 minutes a day for 14 days
is sufficient to create measurable changes in your brain and behavior, this is
just a taste of what is possible. Those same scientists have shown that the
benefits of compassion training continue to expand the longer a person
practices. Just as in learning a new language or musical instrument, the
more time and energy you invest in developing compassion and self-
compassion, the greater the rewards will be.
If you believe—as I do—that self-compassion is a quality with limitless
value, then it makes sense to adopt this practice as an important part of your
life. Eventually you might find that self-compassion practice stops feeling
like just a part of your life, and begins to feel more like a guiding principle
that informs your entire life. While you might have begun this training with
the goal of alleviating depression or changing a specific behavior, the goal
of your practice could broaden to responding with compassion to
everything in you and around you.
MOMENT-TO-MOMENT PRACTICE
It is also possible to practice self-compassion in every moment of our daily
lives—not only while we’re meditating, but also while we’re walking,
driving, doing the dishes, and so on. We can consider this our informal
practice, and it can be just as transformative as formal practice.
When my meditation teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, first became a Buddhist
monk in 1942 in Vietnam, he was given a small book of poems. He was
instructed to memorize them and recite them throughout each day. There
was a poem for waking up, one for putting on his robes, one for washing his
face, and so on. This was his introduction to Buddhist monastic training.
The poems were reminders to bring mindfulness and compassion to every
action and every moment of life. He has adapted these poems for
contemporary use in his book Present Moment, Wonderful Moment. This is
the poem for waking up:
This is just one example of how we can bring self-compassion into every
moment of life. Instead of taking a shower to “get clean,” imagine taking a
shower in a way that felt like a gift to yourself. Before stepping into the
steaming water, you say to yourself, “Now you can enjoy this moment of
showering. You have nothing else to do, and nowhere else to go.” Even if
you are already late for work and can only afford to take a 5-minute shower,
those 5 minutes can be a gift that is enjoyed deeply.
When I lead retreats, I often ask people to choose at least one activity
that they do each day, and write a little poem to help them do it with self-
compassion. It could be getting out of bed, starting your car, or returning
home after work. You reflect on how you could perform this action with
generosity and compassion for yourself, and you recite your poem to create
this awareness during that part of your busy day.
One of the most important practices for me, in my own life, has been
paying attention to the sensations in my body throughout the day. I have
several specific actions (such as standing up, sitting down, and the end of a
conversation) that I use as reminders to pay attention to the current state of
emotions in my body. The goal in this practice is to be able to monitor
sensations like tension, agitation, and heaviness in my body all day long.
The incredible benefit of this practice is the ability to notice suffering when
it is still very small and subtle, which makes it much easier to embrace with
compassion.
RETREATS
Retreats offer the best possible conditions for developing self-compassion. I
think of meditation retreats as analogous to an immersion experience when
trying to learn a foreign language. You have a period of time—from one
day to several months—in which you are reminded to come back to your
self-compassion practice from the time you wake up until you go to sleep.
There are many different types of retreats and retreat centers in the US
and around the world. Some retreats, like the 10-day silent retreats you’ll
find at www.dhamma.org, are very strict and spartan. Some are luxurious,
like those offered at Esalen Institute or Miraval Resort. My personal
favorite retreats are those offered at Plum Village Monastery and the related
practice centers. They are led by monks and nuns who have dedicated their
lives to developing mindfulness and compassion, and they include not only
sitting meditation, but also singing, outdoor walks, and discussion circles. I
believe there is a type of retreat for everyone, and I strongly suggest
exploring different retreat centers until you find one in which you feel
comfortable.
If you are able to go on a retreat (for a day or longer) each year, that is
wonderful. If not, it’s possible to have a day of retreat in your own home.
Clear your entire schedule for a day, and do nothing other than meditating,
reading, journaling, prayer, yoga, and so on. Each day of retreat can provide
a tremendous amount of energy that will carry over into your daily practice.
Some people even dedicate one entire day a week to rest and retreat.
I hope you find the practices described in this book to be healing and
liberating. However, these practices should be viewed only as an
introduction to the extensive teachings on mindfulness and self-compassion
that are available. I recommend exploring the teachings of Thich Nhat
Hanh, Tara Brach, Sharon Salzberg, Kristin Neff, Chris Germer, Paul
Gilbert, and Richard Schwartz. Finding teachers that you trust can be
incredibly helpful to you on your path.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching of “interbeing” is one that can be
particularly helpful in cultivating compassion. He coined the term
interbeing to refer to a special way of perceiving who we are and how we
are connected to something much greater than ourselves.
If we believe that we are completely cut off and disconnected from
others, it can seem as though there is a conflict between self-compassion
and compassion for others. The teaching of interbeing explains how this is a
mistaken view.
We can begin to understand interbeing by examining the piece of paper
from which you are reading right now. This paper might seem like nothing
special, but you are also aware that it used to be part of a tree. Without that
tree, the paper couldn’t exist. Thich Nhat Hanh would say that the tree is
present in the paper if you know how to look deeply.
The tree was made out of sun, soil, and rain. Without any of those
things, the tree couldn’t exist, so they must be present in the paper as well.
At some point the tree was cut down and brought to a factory, so without
those workers and all their ancestors, it could never have become paper. If
we continue this line of thought, very quickly we can see that everything in
the universe has had some role in bringing this paper into existence. Thich
Nhat Hanh uses the word interbeing, because he says that nothing can be by
itself. It has to interbe with everything else.
Now think about yourself in this way. Every water molecule in your
blood came into your body as food or drink. Before that, it was rain, and
before that, every bit of water in you has been part of every ocean on the
planet. Every calcium molecule in your bones used to be part of the soil.
Every word you use to speak or think was taught to you by someone. Your
ideas and perceptions have been shaped by countless people and events.
Looking deeply, you can see that the earth, the rain, and innumerable people
are present in you. You are deeply connected to something much greater
than yourself. Recognizing this, you can see that self-compassion is not
selfish at all. It means having compassion for all of these elements that are
part of you.
7 Physical Self-Care
We all want to make healthy choices, but in reality it’s not that easy. We’re
often faced with a conflict between what we know is healthy and what feels
good in the moment. Most of us equate making healthy choices with an
inner-voice that is critical, harsh, and withholding. The kind and loving
voice is usually the one saying, “Go ahead and eat more ice cream. You had
a hard day.”
There is certainly nothing wrong with treating yourself when you’re
having a hard time. The issue here is that most of us don’t experience the
voice that tells us to exercise or eat vegetables as kind and loving, and this
can create problems. Instead, the voice advocating healthier choices often
sounds like, “I don’t care if you’re tired. You have to exercise or you’ll turn
into a (insert demeaning insult here).”
What if we experienced both voices within us as compassionate and
caring? There is the voice that says, “You don’t always have to do the
healthiest possible thing. Sometimes you can choose what feels good in the
moment.” But imagine if the other voice said, “I don’t want you to exercise
because you’re scared of being unacceptable. Exercise because you know it
feels good, it gives you energy, and because that is the kind of person you
want to be.”
Seeing how this voice in you is suffering, try to recognize that it just
wants you to be safe and well. It has a positive intention. Now, try to help
this voice in you express its fear and positive intention in a more caring
way. Write down the words it might use.
DIET
There are thousands of conflicting views about what makes a healthy diet.
Some are based on excellent research, and some are just fads or worse. I’ll
focus mainly on areas where most dietary experts agree.
Vegetables are good for you. It’s possible for vitamin deficiencies to create
mental health problems in otherwise well-adjusted people. Further,
scientists are learning that there are many important nutrients that aren’t
part of multivitamin supplements. So just taking a vitamin pill won’t give
you all the nutrition that you get from eating whole foods. Therefore,
increasing the amount of vegetables in your diet is something that every
dietary expert agrees is a good thing. But how many vegetables should you
eat? This answer is not totally clear, but it’s safe to say there’s very little
danger of eating too many vegetables. Eat a variety, and as much as you’re
willing to. Fruits and berries are important sources of balanced nutrition as
well.
Too much sugar, caffeine, or alcohol is bad. Some people can function
just fine with these substances, but most people experience negative effects
from excessive sugar, caffeine, or alcohol. You might consider abstaining
from these substances altogether for a couple of weeks and notice whether
you feel any better by the end of that time. (If your consumption of these
substances is truly excessive, you might need to withdraw from them
gradually to avoid headaches and other symptoms of detoxification.) If the
idea of total abstinence is scary, that might indicate that you’re using a
substance for emotional coping. If so, I suggest that you consider phasing it
out of your life in favor of using self-compassion.
Do you have a food sensitivity or allergy? Dairy, gluten, eggs, nuts, and
soy are just a few examples of foods that are tolerated well by some people
but not by others. One of the most common ways to discover if you have a
sensitivity to specific foods is to try an elimination diet, which is a process
of removing suspected foods from your diet and slowly reintroducing them
over a period of several weeks. Unless you are highly knowledgeable about
nutrition, it’s best to have medical supervision during this period.
EXERCISE
Exercise has been shown to be just as effective as antidepressant medication
in treating depressionxiv. When experimenting with exercise, however, it’s
safest to consult your doctor.
Do you spend too much time sitting down? There is a saying that sitting
is the new smoking. Science is learning that spending most of our time
sitting at computers has a negative impact on our health and mood. You
might experiment with taking breaks every hour or two to move around, or
try using a standing desk if you can.
What kind of exercise makes you feel good? Some people love the
runner’s high they get from aerobic activity. Others prefer playing
basketball or some other team sport. Whether you try a spin class or weight
training, look for some way of incorporating regular physical exercise in
your life in a way that you actually enjoy. It could make a huge difference in
your day-to-day mood.
SLEEP
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that more
than 30% of U.S. adults are suffering from chronic sleep deficiency. This
raises our risks for nearly every physical and mental health problem.
Personally, when I’m in a bad mood and can’t really figure out why I’m so
upset, I often take a nap and feel completely better.
Try 8 hours of sleep for 7 days in a row. Some people need more than 8
hours, and some people are fine with a little less. The CDC recommends
that no adult sleep less than 7 hours each night. Experiment with giving
yourself more sleep than usual for 7 days and see if it makes a difference in
how you feel.
Do you have trouble sleeping? After consulting with your doctor, you
might try taking a dose of vitamin D in the morning, practicing self-
compassion before bed, making your bedroom darker and cooler (65° or
cooler, according to many sleep researchers), and getting outdoors to
exercise during the day. You might try turning off all devices and screens 1
hour before you go to sleep. Experiment with these ideas and see if they
help.
CONNECTION
Feeling connected to others and to something greater than yourself can be a
significant source of well-being.
Try volunteering. Many people find that being of service is a great way to
feel connected. In fact, there is a large amount of research that shows
volunteering can be as effective for reducing depression as therapy or
medications. The gratitude you experience and the feeling that you have the
ability to make a positive impact in other people’s lives can be a source of
joy. You might consider the possibility of walking dogs for a local shelter or
SPCA, delivering food for Meals on Wheels, spending time at an elder care
facility, or volunteering with whatever organization appeals to you.
Try spending some time in nature each day. There is abundant evidence
that time in nature supports emotional well-being. There are measurable
factors in these studies, such as direct sunlight, better air quality, exercise,
and so on. However, the impact of spending time in nature likely goes
deeper than that, and relates to the feeling of being part of a greater whole.
8 Compassion and Self-Compassion in
Relationships
A space to write down your personal reflections, quotes, ideas and anything
else you want to remember.
Ongoing Practice Journal: Day 15
and Beyond
A space for journal entries and practice notes after Day 14.
Remember: Begin each of your practice sessions with Practice 1: Self-
Compassion Body Scan. Then follow the Map to Self-Compassion to find the
most appropriate practices for you. Use this journal to keep track of the date,
length of your practice sessions, which practice(s) you used, and notes about
what came up for you. If possible, try to set aside 30 minutes a day for your
practice sessions.
Everything I’ve learned about how to transform suffering and cultivate joy
in myself and others, I have learned from Thich Nhat Hanh, the monks and
nuns of Plum Village, and the other spiritual teachers I’ve been fortunate
enough to meet. I can’t thank them enough.
I also feel deep gratitude for the support and encouragement I’ve
received from mentors and friends, especially Joanne Friday, Chris Germer,
Richie Davidson, Dick Schwartz, Tara Brach, and Larry Boyang.
All of the people at W.W. Norton have been incredibly helpful in
bringing this workbook into existence. Thanks so much for your guidance
and believing in this project. Huge gratitude to Ben Yarling and Chuck
Millar for your brilliant editing.
To my wonderful wife and son, Annie and Finnegan, thank you for
being such an inspiration and source of love in the world.
Index
Page numbers listed correspond to the print edition of this book. You can use your device’s search
function to locate particular terms in the text.
acceptance
self-, 51-59 see also self-acceptance practice
alcohol
in balanced lifestyle, 134
allergy(ies)
food, 134
alone
not being, 10, 6-8
anger
self-compassion exercises for, 28-29
anxiety
self-compassion story about, 27-28
assessment quizzes
self-compassion–related, 40, 40t
avoiding responsibility for life
as reason for holding onto self-criticism, 93
balance
self-compassion practice in, 38-39
balanced lifestyle
alcohol in, 134
caffeine in, 134
components of, 133-36
connection in, 136
diet in, 134
exercise in, 135
finding, 133-36
food sensitivity/allergy in, 134
sleep in, 135-36
spending daily time in nature, 136
sugar in, 134
volunteering in, 136
beauty
seeing, 141-43
bodily sensations aversion
self-acceptance practice for, 58
body
mindfulness of see mindfulness of body
body scan
self-compassion, 47-50 see also self-compassion body scan practices
Brach, T., 126
brain
Care Circuit in, 15, 14
functions of, 89-93
self-compassion and, 14-15
breathing
mindful, 47
caffeine
in balanced lifestyle, 134
car dent
self-compassion story about, 22-23
Care Circuit
in brain, 15, 14
natural compassion practice for, 99
CDC
on adults suffering from chronic sleep deficiency, 135
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)
on adults suffering from chronic sleep deficiency, 135
chronic sleep deficiency
CDC on, 135
commitment(s)
competing, 89-98 see also competing commitments; competing commitments as obstacle to self-
compassion practice
community support
in everyday practice, 125
compassion
described, 87
essence of, 141-43
motivating ourselves with, 130-32
natural, 99-107 see also natural compassion practice
obstacles to, 87
for ourselves, 69-70, 27-29
receiving from someone else, 61, 63-65 see also receiving compassion from someone else
in relationships, 137-44 see also relationship(s)
seeing beauty in me and in you, 141-43
sending to yourself, 62, 66-68 see also sending compassion to yourself
when it is difficult, 87-98 see also competing commitments as obstacle to self-compassion practice
competing commitments
described, 90, 89
group responses to description of, 92
important concepts in working with, 92
competing commitments as obstacle to self-compassion practice, 89-98
example of, 89-93
instructions for, 93-98
question related to, 98
conflict(s)
in thoughts and feelings, 89
connection
in balanced lifestyle, 136
maintaining, 93
control
maintaining illusion of, 93
criticism
assessing in yourself, 139-40
practice for transforming, 139-40
recognizing and healing roots of, 140
relationship effects on, 138-40
cultivating joy, 109-17.see also cultivating joy practice
interbeing in, 116-17
letting go in, 115
nothing to do in, 115-16
cultivating joy practice, 109-17
alternative practices, 115-17
instructions for, 112-14
question related to, 114
uses for, 112
egotism, 10
embracing suffering
described, 61-62
types of, 61-62
embracing suffering practice, 61-68
receiving compassion from someone else, 61, 63-65 see also receiving compassion from someone
else
sending compassion to yourself, 62, 66-68 see also sending compassion to yourself
Esalen Institute, 125
everyday practice, 121-27
daily formal practice, 123
deepening your, 126-27
forms of, 123-25
moment-to-moment practice, 123-24
moving forward, 122
retreats, 124-25
support of community in, 125
exam(s)
self-compassion story about, 18-19
exercise
in balanced lifestyle, 135
experience(s)
impact of past, 69
fairness
maintaining, 93
feeling(s)
conflicts among, 89
overwhelmed see overwhelmed feelings
first date
self-compassion story about, 21-22
first marathon
self-compassion story about, 20
food sensitivity/allergy
in balanced lifestyle, 134
illusion of control
maintaining, 93
interbeing, 126
in cultivating joy, 116-17
Internal Family Systems, 91
journal(s)
practice, 41-44, 151-60
joy
cultivating, 109-17 see also cultivating joy; cultivating joy practice
of mindfulness, 110
of optimism, 110-11
Kegan, R., 90
kinder voice
helping your healthy voice become, 130-32
kindness
motivating yourself with, 18-20
letting go
in cultivating joy, 115
of perfectionism, 7-8
life
avoiding responsibility for, 93
life is hard
self-compassion as skill when, 21-23
lifestyle
balanced, 133-36 see also balanced lifestyle
healthy, 133-36 see also balanced lifestyle
listening to parts of yourself
described, 76
listening to parts of yourself practice
example of, 84-85
instructions for, 83
question related to, 84
listening to past self
described, 75-76
listening to past self practice
example of, 82
instructions for, 80-81
question related to, 82
listening to suffering in body
described, 75
listening to suffering in body practice
example of, 79
instructions for, 77-78
question related to, 79
living self-compassionately, 119-44
loneliness
self-compassion story about, 10, 6-8
love hormone
oxytocin as, 14
maintenance, 119-44
Map to Self-Compassion, 14, 31-117
feeling overwhelmed, 37
finding the right balance with, 38-39
how to use, 35
introduction to, 33, 34f
navigating, 33-44
practice(s) in, 41-117 see also specific practices and practice(s)
practice journal, 41-4
self-compassion assessment quizzes, 40, 40t
tips for setting up your practice sessions, 36
marathon
motivations for, 20
memory reconsolidation, 69
mindful breathing
in self-compassion body scan practices, 47
mindfulness
functions of, 110
joy of, 110
stages of, 52
mindfulness of body
described, 52
in self-acceptance, 58, 51-56
in self-compassion body scan practices, 47-48
mindfulness of body practice
described, 52
example of, 56
instructions for, 53-55
questions related to, 56
mindfulness of thoughts
in self-acceptance, 51, 57-59
mindfulness of thoughts practice
with difference types of thoughts, 58-59
instructions for, 57-58
question related to, 59
mindfulness practice aversion
self-acceptance practice for, 58
Miraval Resort, 125
moment-to-moment practice, 123-24
Morning Sun Mindfulness Center, 165
motivation
compassion in, 130-32
for first marathon, 20
with kindness, 18-20
moving forward
everyday practice for, 122
obstacles to self-compassion
competing commitments as, 89-98 see also competing commitments as obstacle to self-
compassion practice
overwhelmed feelings as, 88
types of, 87-98 see also specific types
ongoing practice journal
day 15 and beyond, 151-60
optimism
joy of, 110-11
overweight
self-compassion story about being, 25-26
overwhelmed feelings
Map to Self-Compassion for, 37
as obstacle to self-compassion, 88
oxytocin
as love hormone, 14
vegetable(s)
in balanced lifestyle, 134
voice(s)
healthy voice becoming kinder, 130-32
kinder, 130-32
volunteering
in balanced lifestyle, 136
well-being
researchers who study, 109
when compassion is difficult practice, 87-98 see also competing commitments as obstacle to self-
compassion
More Praise for Tim Desmond
“This book is intended especially for clinicians, but can also be useful for
researchers, teachers and students at all levels of expertise. I heartily
recommend it both for clinicians who wish to build the capacity for self-
compassion in their clients as well as themselves, and therefore more
deeply integrate mindfulness and psychotherapy, and also as a valuable tool
for classroom use to facilitate discussions for any classes in clinical
psychology.”
—PsychCentral
ALSO BY TIM DESMOND
Self-Compassion in Psychotherapy
About the Author
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