"Where is God in this?

"
Discerning God's presence in spiritual direction

Alicia Buhler

Colette nestled into the couch as I sat across from her, sipping my tea.1
After years of psychotherapy necessitated by the rocky foundation laid
for her by a parent struggling with addiction, Colette had asked to meet
with me for spiritual direction. She had collected and sorted many of the
pieces of her shattered life, but she still did not feel whole and named a
deep spiritual longing.
Colette grew up with a distant relationship to the Anglican Church
and had sought belonging in an evangelical community in her early 20s,
which resulted in further confusion and

As she sat down heartbreak. Neither church experience

for her first session had been sufficient for the answers or
tenderness that her soul needed. As
with me—a minis­
she sat down for her first session with
ter and spiritual
me—a minister and spiritual director—
director—she asked
she asked upfront if I was going to try to
upfront if I was go­ convert her or get her to go to church. I
ing to try to convert appreciated her ability to ask directly for
her or get her to go what she needed and assured her that I
to church. I assured had no such agenda. I was more interest­
her I had no such ed in her story.
agenda. I was more She shared with me the dysfunction
interested in her of her childhood and her meandering
story. journey to find healing in adulthood.
During her story, Colette paused, drawn
to the dancing shadows of branches illuminated on the wall behind me
by the midday sun. I asked what she was noticing. She confided in me her
attraction to light. I watched her defenses relax as she shared with me the
comfort she received as a child from the sun reflecting off a lake, about

f Names and identifying details of spiritual direction clients, also called directees, have
been changed to preserve anonymity.

36 | Vision: A Journal for Church and Theology 21.1 (Spring 2020)

 'Where is Cod in this?" | 37

the candles she lights out of her desperation for light on dreary winter
evenings, and how she soaks up the sun every chance that she gets. I no­
ticed her own radiance as she talked about the light, and I wondered out
loud if perhaps light was one of the ways God shows up for her. Having
had a complicated relationship with God her whole life, she had never
considered the light to be of God, though she had certainly experienced
it as transcendent, a comforting and healing presence. Colette followed
up with me after that session to say that understanding her relationship
with light as the God-presence in her life seemed so obvious to her now
and had been a missing piece on her spiritual journey.

Searching for connection and meaning

Those who seek out a spiritual director to companion them do so out of
diverse life contexts and for various reasons. However, at the center of
their search is a desire for deeper con­
We are spiritual nection and deeper meaning. We are
creatures. As such, spiritual creatures. As such, we are in­
we are inclined to clined to make meaning out of our lives.

make meaning out Those with the cognitive capacity to do

so are usually asking, Why? Sometimes
of our lives. Those
this search begins as we face a transition
with the cognitive
or acknowledge dissatisfaction with the
capacity to do so
way things are. More often it is when
are usually asking, we have experienced a trauma or a loss,
Why! or when we are suffering, that we delve
into the depths to make sense of things. It is often in the hard stuff of
life where we discover that finding meaning has less to do with finding
a reason and more to do with finding a connection beyond ourselves, a
connection to something or someone greater than ourselves.
Where is God in this? is the foundational question asked by spiritual
directors. As directees share experiences from their day-to-day life, reveal
what is on their heart and mind, and tell their story, directors listen with
an ear tuned toward the Holy. Where is God in the relationship difficulties
between parent and child? Where is God in the monotony of ivork routines and
school pickups'1 Where is God in the responsibilities of leadership'1 Where is God
in the darkness of depression? Where is God in the prospects of a new job, neiv
relationship, or new life course? Where is God in the chaos that is cancer or climate
change? Where is God in the joys and challenges of living? While the question
takes many forms, directors are interested in cultivating that connection,
38 | Vision: AJournal for Church and Theology

inviting the one they are companioning to open their awareness to them­
selves, to those around them, to the Holy, and to all of creation.

Discerning God's presence

Asking the question is simple. Discerning the answer is sometimes more
difficult. In my work as a spiritual director, in my church community, and
in life generally, I have noticed an emerging dis-ease with claiming some­
thing to be of God. Having a significant spiritual experience is not un­
common; talking about our spiritual encounters is. If we do risk sharing,
we often place a caveat in front of our experiences of the Holy, offering
that we may have sensed God’s presence or received something from God
in prayer, but we cannot be sure. We tend to view with suspicion those
who claim certainty about knowing God’s will, receiving a word from the
Lord, or experiencing the Holy palpably.
Many of us carry heavy packs of spiritual baggage. Much harm has
been done in the name of God. We are caught up in the whirlwind of
abuses of power and the aftermath of people carrying out their own will
in the name of God. I do not blame anyone who is suspicious of God-talk
and understand the temptation to walk away from religion altogether. I
also understand that others are grasping for certainty. They search for
straightforward answers, boxes and boundaries, and binary right-and-
wrong ways of looking at life or understanding God. I am witness to the
desperate spiritual seeking of our time, the longing for deeper connection
and deeper meaning in an age of mistrust and skepticism. This is why I
am committed to the essential question, Where is God (or other name for the
Holy) in this? and sifting through the spiritual baggage to find the answer.

Encountering the God of love

In order to discern where God is, we need to begin with who God is or
what the nature of God is. Somehow, we need to be able to recognize the
Spirit of God in our midst and be able to name it. Sorting out the answer
to these questions is a monumental task that has been chipped away at by
theologians, philosophers, ministers, the troubled, the curious, and the
faithful for millennia. Given the countless books that have been written
on the subject, I am tempted to surrender myself to the fact that God is
only ever knowable in part.
What I have noticed in listening to people’s sacred stories, however,
is that there are generally two working understandings of God. Directees
either know the Holy to be a God of love or a God of fear. Those who
 'Where is Cod in this?" | 39

have encountered the God of love generally have sensed God to be a

compassionate presence and have experienced belonging in the Source of
Love without need of earning their place or proving themselves worthy.
In contrast, those who relate to God out of fear exhibit unhealthy self-sac­
rifice and too much concern with getting it right. These are signs that
directees are working out of an inherent belief that God is not on their
side, that God needs to be appeased, and that they must somehow earn
their place of belonging. Sometimes the two are conflated: people may
talk about a God of love, but when their stated beliefs are teased apart
from their actions, it becomes clear that they are living as if God is harsh
and judgmental.
Having done the necessary work of shifting my own image of God, I
now recognize how these two faces of God played a role in my own spiri­
tual development. While my childhood
Through academic faith was nurtured in the language of a
$ study, therapy, and loving God, the practice of my faith was
personal encounter, still focused on getting it right so that
I released and con­ God would not be angry. Through aca­
tinue to release false demic study, therapy, and personal en­
counter, I released and continue to re­
perceptions of God
lease false perceptions of God as I come
as I come to know
to know ever more fully that the essence
ever more fully that
of God is love. Spiritual practices and
the essence of God
contemplative prayer that invite me to
is love. dwell in the love of God have aided my
spiritual re-formation. This lens of love changes everything and has be­
come my most important tool in discerning, Where is God in this? If God
is a God of love—and love is at the heart of the Christian faith (Matthew
22:36-40, Mark 12:28-31, 1 John 4:7-8)—then when I see signs oflove in
someone’s life or in the world, I believe God is present there. If I say that
God is a God of light and life (John 1:4-9), then when I see signs of light
and life, I suspect God is there too.

Focusing on the God of love in spiritual direction

The lens of love, light, and life that serves as a way of looking for the pres­
ence of God has been an important part of my spiritual direction practice.
Some may argue that this method of discernment is too simple. I believe
love can be simple. I am talking not about a sentimentalized version of
love but about a love that is straightforward. I also recognize that love can
40 | Vision: AJournal for Church and Theology

be complex. My focus on love, light, and life does not assume that what­
ever feels good is right. It is not a version of the adage, If you’re happy, then
God is happy. Love can demand a lot of us. It asks us to be and do better.
It is expansive, diverse, and all-encompassing. It challenges us to grow in
new ways. Indeed, faith lived with an understanding of a loving God at
times may look much the same in practice as faith lived with an under­
standing of a judgmental God. However, the act of loving one’s neighbor
has a different quality depending on whether those actions come out of
the foundation of generous love or desperate fear. There is an energizing
quality to love, light, and life that is palpable.
Seeking God through the fens of love rather than judgment was par­
ticularly helpful in my work with Hans. Hans had been struggling with
crippling anxiety for many years when he came to spiritual direction. He
was able to identify that much of his struggle was rooted in his fear of
God. When Hans was a young boy, his Sunday school teachers had liter­
ally put the fear of God into him, which was an effective way to get a ram­
bunctious boy to behave but also resulted in a toxic image of God. While
Hans talked about a God who loved him, his experience was of an abusive
and judgmental God who was distant,
The lens of love, withheld love, and required great sacri­
light, and life that fice in order to be pleased. Hans’s fear
serves as a way of of a supposedly loving God caused his

looking for the anxiety to spike, as he felt he should not

be afraid God. Hans led an upstanding
presence of God has
life, but he lived with the constant regret
been an important
that every decision he had ever made
part of my spiritual
was outside of the will of God.
direction practice. In order to overcome Hans’s anxi­
Some may argue ety, we began to sort the false teachings
that this method of he had received about God from the
discernment is too truth. When I considered the question,
simple. I believe Where is God in this11 did not sense God
love can be simple. in the judgmental presence that perme­
ated Hans’s life. Hans feared God, but
Jesus did not have the same fearful hold on him, so Jesus became a trusted
companion in the process. As we worked through his entrenched beliefs,
I invited him to prayerfully ask Jesus questions such as, Do I need to be a
missionary overseas for God to love meI Do I need to read my Bible every single
day without fail in order to be accepted in God’s eyesI Time and again I heard
 'Where is Cod in this?" | 41

Hans’s desperate plea to Jesus, and time and again the response was com­
passionate love. I affirmed the moments in his life when Hans felt loved
and accepted as reflecting the true nature of a loving God, and where fear
remained, I gently suggested that more healing was needed. We worked
together in spiritual direction for several years, and I watched as Hans was
gradually released from the grip of anxiety and was welcomed into love.
As I companion directees who are seeking connection and searching
for meaning, I am in awe of the ways in which the God of love shows up,
nudging each person toward greater wholeness and desiring them to be­
come all of who they have been divinely created and called to be. Thanks
be to God.

About the author

Alicia Buhler, MDiv, is a spiritual care provider in private practice in Kitchener, Ontario.
She is a graduate of Canadian Mennonite University and Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical
Seminary, and her education and ministry experience have focused on counseling, chap-
laincy, and spiritual direction. She offers an awareness-based and spiritually integrated
approach to inner growth work, informed by her interest in creativity, mystery, and
embodied spirituality.
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