The Five Languages of Apology

How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships

By Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas; Northfield Publishing, 2006

This book gives examples on the topics

BOOK OF THE WEEK:
understanding as to to further assist in the
what a real apology is. It understanding of the
elaborates on the Five Languages of
different kinds of Apology.
apologies and how each
read the summary
and every kind may vary
in terms of importance
for each person. It also
explains the importance
of forgiveness as a
essential part of a
healthy life. The author
gives countless

INSIDE THIS SUMMARY:

– The Big Idea Relationships
–Why Apologize – Apologizing to Yourself
–Discovering Your Primary Apology
Language
–Learning to Forgive
– Apology to Family and Dating

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Why Apologize following for most people:
As imperfect beings, we all live in an imperfect world Ÿ To hear the words “I am sorry”
as people with conscience. As beings with a sense Ÿ When it is seen that your body language
of morality or conscience, there is an innate desire conspires with the words you say
to reconcile damaged relationships. This desire is Ÿ Being specific enough on what you regret on
usually stronger than a demand for justice, thus, Ÿ Having to admit full responsibility and not
there is an essential need for an apology as it is passing blame
what hinders the build up of anger and violence. Ÿ When there is no ulterior motive for the
apology
Apologies are the most basic criteria to enable
forgiveness, because forgiveness without an
apology mostly benefits the forgiver rather than the
offender. The study and use of the Five Languages
of Apology allows the deeper understanding of
Apology Language #2: Accepting
effectively apologizing. Responsibility
To accept responsibility is another of the Five
Languages of Apology. This language is usually
uttered with the words “I was wrong.” The most
essential part of accepting responsibility is by
Apology Language #1: Expressing admitting mistakes fully and not to self-justify or
Regret make excuses. It is a sign of strength and maturity
Sincerity of an apology differs from person to to admit ones wrongs. There is a quote that says
person, what one may consider a sincere apology “All of us make mistakes, but the only mistakes
may not be the case with another person. For most that will destroy you is the one you are unwilling to
people an expression of regret may be the key admit.”
element in a sincere apology. To express regret is
more commonly known as the words “I am sorry”. There is a very big difference between Apology
Language 1 and 2, to be sorry for one thing is
Expressing regret is the emotional aspect of an totally different from admitting you were wrong.
apology. It is to acknowledge the pain, the One language can exist without the other. If you
inconvenience, the disappointment, the betrayal of feel a deeper sincerity when giving or receiving an
trust done to a person. It is to feel guilt, shame and apology that acknowledges the wrong doing then
pain that your actions or words have caused to your primary apology language is probably
another person. Accepting Responsibility.

A sincere expression of regret is composed of the

ABOUT THE BOOK: Apology Language #3: Making

Restitution
Making restitution answers the question “What
can I do to make it right?” To make up for wrong I
embedded in human psychology. It is the basis for
Author: Gary Chapman and Jennifer the concept of reparative damages, which is to
Thomas exert effort to make up for the wrong.
Publisher: Northfield Publishing
Date of Publication: 2006 Restitution is basically equalizing, to make
ISBN : 1 881273 57 1 amends or do something about the wrong
No. of Pages: 280 pages committed. In close relationships, the desire for
restitution is almost always based on the need for

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 2 of 5

love. “Am I still loved?” is the question that often Apology Language #5: Requesting
has to be satisfied when making amends. For
some people restitution equals sincerity. Forgiveness
This apology is often heard when someone asks to
The basic idea of to repay damages and to restore be forgiven. To some people to request for
a relationship may not come naturally to forgiveness indicates that the person apologizing
everyone. The five love languages (from the book wants the relationship with the person he has
titled The Five Love Languages by Gary wronged to be fully restored. Requesting
Chapman) serve as a guide to effective forgiveness realizes ones own faults and is willing to
restitution. put the future of the relationship to the person
offended.
The Five Love Languages:
ŸWords of Affirmation This is one of the hardest things to do in an apology,
ŸActs of Service the act of asking for forgiveness by saying the words
ŸReceiving Gifts “will you forgive me?” may become difficult because
ŸQuality Time it can be scary. The three most common reasons
ŸPhysical Touch why this process becomes hard are the following:
Ÿto relinquish control over the relationship
Ÿthe fear of rejection
Ÿthe fear of failure

Though it is best to remember that to admit wrongs

Apology Language #4: Genuinely and ask for forgiveness will lead to becoming a good
apologizer and a healthy individual.
Repenting
To repent is literally to turn around or change. In Also, always remember that you are requesting for
the Apology Language it is to make an effort not to an apology and not demanding for it. To be given
do again. Genuinely repenting starts with the forgiveness even with a sincere apology is hard
mindset “I want to change”. In an apology this enough, it would be even harder if forgiveness is
desire to change has to be verbalized because demanded from the person offended.
there is no way for the offended to immediately
find out genuine repentance from the offender Reasons why it may be hard to forgive:
unless verbally mentioned. Obviously this ŸForgiveness gives up the quest for justice.
mention of repentance has to be followed by an ŸIf the consequences of the action done are long
attempt or action to change. lasting
ŸIf it is a major offence that has been committed
There are three steps for Genuinely Repenting. ŸIf the offense has been repeated
After taking full responsibility for the wrong action
the first step is intent to change the wrong ways.
Second is to create a plan for change to take
place. And the final thing to do is to implement the
planned change. It is better to put plans of change
into writing since it helps in reminding you of your Discovering Your Primary Apology
planned change. Language
Knowing the Five Languages Of Apology enhances
You have to accept that change will probably not the ability to both give and receive an apology. With
happen overnight but failure need not defeat us. a study made among couples, it has been known
The key to a successful change is admitting that the primary apology language of the husband
relapses and continuously try and try again. differs from the primary apology language of the

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 3 of 5

wife. If this is the case, then it is beneficial to limited to yes and no, there is a third option which is
know the primary apology language/s of people, by asking to “give me time.” When making a
at the very least to know the five Apology decision to forgive always remember that
Languages. Knowing how to apologize by using forgiveness opens the door for reconciliation for
the five languages hastens forgiveness, thus, both parties involved.
hastens the reconciliation among damaged
relationships. In forgiving there is such a thing as “to forgive to
easily.” This may prove not to be healthy for both
There are few questions that you can ask individuals in a relationship. To forgive immediately
yourself and there are also questions you can
ask people to distinguish the primary apology
languages of each individual. Remember that it
is not necessary to use all five Apology
languages, what is important is to be able to use
the primary apology language of the person ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
being apologized to in order to get the message
through more effectively. Gary Chapman has traveled
extensively around the world
Questions to identify your primary Apology challenging couples to pursue
Language: healthy, growing marriages. His first
1. What do I expect a person to do or say book, Toward a Growing Marriage
when giving an apology? (Moody, 1979, 1996), began as an
informal resource he gave to
2. What hurt most deeply about the
couples with whom he was
situation? counseling. Once officially published, this book
3. What language is most important when I became a blessing to thousands of people and
apologize? helped launch Gary’s popular “Toward a Growing
Marriage” seminar.
Questions to help discover someone's
Apology Language Since 1979, Gary has written more than 15 books. His
1. Describe an apology of someone then book, The Five Love Languages (Northfield
ask him or her to comment on what lacks in Publishing, 1992, 1993), has sold 3 million copies in
English alone and has been translated into 34
the apology.
languages including Arabic and Hindi. He has also
2. Ask what hurts most about the things appeared on several television and radio programs
you did. and has his own daily radio program called “A
3. Ask what he or she considers the most Growing Marriage” that can be heard on more than
important part of an apology. 100 radio stations across the United States.
4. What do I need to do or say to be
forgiven? In addition to his busy writing and seminar schedule,
Gary Chapman is a senior associate pastor at
Calvary Baptist Church in Winston-Salem, North
Carolina, where he has served for 35 years. Gary and
his wife, Karolyn, have been married for 45 years,
Learning to Forgive have two adult children, and two grandchildren.
Accepting apologies has a vital role in the Gary Chapman is a graduate of Moody Bible Institute
reconciliation of a relationship. Without and holds B.A. and M.A. degrees in anthropology
forgiveness, reconciliation will not occur. It is from Wheaton College and Wake Forest University,
when forgiveness is given that relationships respectively. He received M.R.E. and Ph.D. degrees
have the opportunity to grow. Because we are all from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and
imperfect, apologies and giving forgiveness is a has completed postgraduate work at the University of
part of life. North Carolina at Greensboro and Duke University.

To know more about the author, go to:

To forgive is a choice that is left to the person
http://www.garychapman.org
being asked. The choices though are not only

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas 4 of 5

without questioning or proving the sincerity of the Apologizing to Yourself
apology only encourages destructive behavior and There is the same logic with apologizing to yourself
the repetition of the mistake. Thus, it is also and to apologizing to other people. Its end goal is to
important to check and know the sincerity of an remove barriers to enable the relationship to move
apology before giving forgiveness. forward. With apologizing and forgiving yourself, the
gap you are trying to close is the gap between the
There are certain things that forgiveness can't do. person you want to be (your ideal self) and the
To begin with, it does not remove the results of person you are now (your real self). By removing the
failure; second is that it may not remove all emotional turmoil inside, you are able to lessen or
consequences of the action; and, third is that it does even close the gap between your ideal self and your
not remove all the painful emotions brought about real self.
by the wrong action or words. These are the things
that one has to live with even after forgiveness is By successfully forgiving yourself, you also are able
granted. to remove the fear of more consequences by
holding on to the offense against yourself. Clearing
these offenses means getting back on track with
your life

Apology to Family and Dating

Relationships
Not all mistakes done are intentional, this gives Teaching your child to apologize
more reason to forgive. In families, it is the courage People are not born knowing how to apologize, that
to admit mistakes and understand situations that is why it is important to learn the art of apologizing as
helps families communicate better with one early as possible. Most children books and
another. The usual problem is who initiates the parenting books do not tackle the topic on
apology first? This is what keeps families from apologizing. And there is no curriculum in
moving forward, and for some cases putting kindergarten that specifies the need to teach
relationships in a deadlock for long periods of time. children how to apologize. As an effect, most people
Life is short and the more time delayed in giving an grow up not knowing the importance of a sincere
apology means more time wasted in life. apology.
An apology among family members and dating If there is a need for adults to learn and be fluent in
relationships provides more insight for an efficient the art of apology then it is only natural that this art
apology. With the time spent in these relationships learned during childhood.
we cannot avoid having misunderstandings and
harming one another. Healthy relationships do not
require perfection, but it requires that we deal with
our failures.

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