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This book is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to serve as a
substitute for professional advice. The author and publisher specifically
disclaim any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of
any information contained in this book. A professional should be consulted
regarding your specific situation. Any product mentioned in this book does
not imply endorsement of that product by the author or publisher.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any
manner whatsoever without written permission of the publisher, except in
the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Reframe Your Brain copyright © 2023 by Scott Adams, Inc.

Cover art: May Yin Giang and Scott Adams
Interior photos: Copyright Scott Adams, Inc.
Dilbert Comics: Copyright Scott Adams, Inc.
Editor: Joshua Lisec

Scott Adams, Inc.

Pleasanton, CA
scottadams.locals.com

Publisher’s Cataloging-In-Publication Data

Names: Adams, Scott, 1957- author.
Title: Reframe your brain : the user interface for happiness and success /
Scott Adams.
Description: Pleasanton, CA : Scott Adams, Inc., [2023] | Includes
bibliographical references.
Identifiers: ISBN: 979-8-9885349-1-4 (hardcover) | 979-8-9885349-0-7
(softcover) | 979-8-9885349-2-1 (ebook) | 979-8-9885349-3-8
(audiobook)
Subjects: LCSH: Success--Psychological aspects--Miscellanea. | Reframing
(Psychotherapy)--
Miscellanea. | Attitude (Psychology)--Miscellanea. | Perception
(Philosophy)--Miscellanea. |Happiness--Miscellanea.
Classification: LCC: BF637.S8 A33 2023 | DDC: 158.1--dc23

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For the Simultaneous Sippers
(Thank you for saving me.)
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 Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER 1
How to Reprogram Your Brain
CHAPTER 2
Success Reframes
CHAPTER 3
Mental Health Reframes
CHAPTER 4
Social Life Reframes
CHAPTER 5
Physical Health Reframes
CHAPTER 6
Reality Reframes
CHAPTER 7
The Operating System for Your Mind
CHAPTER 8
How to Make Your Own Reframes
CHAPTER 9
Just the Reframes
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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 More Content
from Scott Adams

S ubscribers on scottadams.locals.com get the new Dilbert Reborn daily

comic strip (a spicier and unfiltered version of classic Dilbert), a new
comic called Robots Read News (an irreverent analysis of the headlines),
more than 200 (and counting) micro lessons on life improvement and talent
stacking, frequent livestream videos available nowhere else, my novels
God’s Debris and The Religion War, and other special content.
On some days, subscribers help write comics and watch the drawing
process in real time. There is a lot of political content too, so don’t be
surprised by that. The Locals community has evolved into a digital friend
group, and that’s the vibe.
For just the Dilbert Reborn comic without the other nonsense, follow and
subscribe on X (formerly known as Twitter), @ScottAdamsSays.

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 Introduction

THE DOG WALKING REFRAME

F or years I found it annoying to walk my dog. All she ever wanted to do

was sniff the grass and trees upon which other dogs had left their scent.
Neither of us got much exercise. It was like tug-of-war to get Snickers to
move at all.
One day, I saw an Instagram video in which a self-designated dog expert
explained that dogs might need the sniffing more than the walking. Their
brains light up when they sniff, and it can tire them out when they engage in
vigorous sniffing. I had noticed how happy Snickers looked when sniffing,
but my brain couldn’t connect the dots because sniffing dog urine sounds
inherently unpleasant to my human brain. But to the dog, it was the
equivalent of checking her social media. I started naming the trees and
shrubs in the park accordingly: Muta (formerly known as Facebark),
Twigger, LeafedIn, Instabush, and Treemail. Obviously, the garbage
receptacle into which people flung their dog poop bags was TikTok.
 Once I understood the importance of sniffing, I reframed my experience
this way.
Usual Frame: Taking the dog for a walk and failing.
Reframe: Taking the dog for a sniff and succeeding.
That reframe completely changed my subjective experience. Instead of
failing at walking, I was succeeding at being a sniff-assistant. Snickers
loved the new arrangement, and sure enough, twenty minutes of outdoor
sniffing set her attitude right for the rest of the day.
But then I had a new problem. Standing around holding a leash is boring
compared to walking. It’s boring compared to most things. But then I
reframed my boredom this way.
Usual Frame: I have nothing to do. I am just standing here.
Reframe: Perfect time to practice proper breathing and posture.
Now I spend twenty minutes a day enjoying the outdoors while breathing
properly and practicing my posture. It feels good, which is enough to lock
in the new habit. Now I am delighted to take my dog to the park. The only
thing that changed was how I thought about the point of it all.
 If you’re like most people, you spend a lot of time standing in line or
waiting for one thing or another. It feels like a gigantic waste of time.
Maybe you check your phone, but that probably isn’t as useful as it is
anxiety-making. As you can tell from the Snickers story, I found a way to
turn all mindless waiting time into one of the most productive parts of my
day using the good-time-to-breathe reframe.
Usual Frame: I am waiting in line, which is a waste of time.
Reframe: I have time to breathe properly.
For decades I had heard about the benefits of proper breathing such as
lowering anxiety and boosting positive energy. My problem was finding a
consistent time of day to practice. My personality isn’t compatible with
anything that involves sitting and doing what feels like nothing, even if it’s
important. But breathing, you can do anywhere. You can be standing,
sitting, driving, or walking.
I recommend trying the breathing method described by Dr. Andrew
Huberman. This involves two sharp inhales through your nose, one after
another, followed by a long exhale through your mouth. Apparently, there is
science behind the method, but in my experience, you can feel the
difference so quickly and profoundly that you won’t need any convincing
that it works. You’ll know in under a minute the first time you try it. I was
surprised how different I felt after a few repetitions. I was relaxed in both
mind and body.
By pairing the intolerable boredom of waiting in line with the habit of
breathing properly, you can solve two problems at once. Your wait will
become more tolerable, and your health and attitude will get a boost that
will quickly addict you to replacing boredom with breathing. Lately I find
myself looking for opportunities to do the breathing exercises because I like
the immediate upgrade in calm energy. Now any boredom I experience
from waiting—for anything—reminds me that it’s a perfect time to work on
my mental and physical health. No one around me notices.
An Odd Story
In the spring of 2022, I cured the common sneeze with some help from
friends. I’m not talking about the kind of sneeze that catches you off guard.
I mean the kind you feel building up. I discovered that if I did a pretend
sneeze, it somehow deactivated the real one. The first time I tried it, I
thought it was a fluke. After the second time I used it successfully, I alerted
my followers on social media and asked them to try the method. It worked!
At least for many of them.
One person—I wish I remembered who—discovered you didn’t need to
act out the sneeze with a fake “achoo,” as I had been doing. You can simply
imagine sneezing. I tried that next. That worked, too! And it was a better
method for public places.
And so it came to pass that the creator of the Dilbert comic strip and his
friends cured the common sneeze. Or at least one type of sneeze.
I tell you the sneeze story to demonstrate how much power our thoughts
have over our bodies. And more importantly, how quickly those thoughts
can work their magic. It can happen in seconds. I will teach you how to
reframe your ordinary experiences in ways that get you more of what you
want—in every domain—and less of what you don’t want. Often it happens
quickly—as with the sneeze cure—but other times you might have to
reinforce the message with repetition.
If you have a chance to try suppressing a sneeze using the method
described—and you discover it works for you—the experience will give
you goosebumps. It will feel as if you just discovered you have some sort of
superpower.
You won’t be wrong.
If the sneeze cure doesn’t impress you, that’s okay because it was only
the teaser. In the late summer of 2022, I saw a message on X claiming a
video I had created in 2020 to reduce anxiety—using only reframing and
hypnosis—had cured someone’s daughter of debilitating anxiety. The father
explained that prior to viewing my video, his daughter had tremendous
trouble leaving the house because her anxiety was so oppressive. But her
father reported that she not only managed to get out of the house, she had
also recovered so well she was about to be married. The father credited my
video for her turnaround.
During my daily livestream show—called Coffee with Scott Adams, at
10:00 AM Eastern daily—I asked my followers on YouTube and on the
Locals subscription service if any of them had a similar experience of
reduced anxiety after viewing that video. A wall of “Yes” responses
streamed down the live comments, with a smattering more on YouTube.
(Locals subscribers were more likely to have watched the video.)
I was stunned.
If the commenters were right, I had “cured” dozens—maybe hundreds—
of people of a lifetime of anxiety. And I did it using nothing but a series of
reframes strung together to cancel the anxiety program running in people’s
minds.
I’m a trained hypnotist with decades of experience in persuasion and
brain-hacking, so I had a strong hunch I could flip off the anxiety switch in
some people. Probably not most people because people are too different.
But I thought it was worth an hour of my time to test it by creating an
anxiety reduction video in 2020.
It was time well spent.
I’ll include in this book in text form the reframes I used in the anxiety
cure video so you can try them out yourself. Don’t skip ahead to them.
You’ll find out why.
If you’re not excited about this book yet, here’s my favorite reframe
success story. If my feedback from social media followers is to be believed,
this reframe has helped hundreds—perhaps thousands—of people stop
drinking alcohol. I invented this reframe in 2013 for my book How to Fail
at Almost Everything and Still Win Big. Here’s the simple reframe.
Usual Frame: Alcohol is a beverage.
Reframe: Alcohol is poison.
 Some readers of that book lost all interest in alcohol and quit drinking
forever because they read those three words “alcohol is poison.”
Really.
How do I know that reframe will work on some (smallish) percentage of
readers? Because several times a week I receive a thank-you message from
yet another internet stranger who embraced that reframe and removed
alcohol from their lives. I don’t have to wonder if it works—I hear about it
first-hand from people who quit a lifetime of overdrinking and credit three
words: “Alcohol is poison.”
You have a few questions. I know. Here are your answers:

1. This reframe is not for alcoholics. Addiction is a different

problem. Reframes work for breaking normal habits such as
drinking socially or having a glass of wine each night.
2. No individual reframe works for 100 percent of people. Some
work for only a few. Others are closer to universally useful. But if
only 10 percent of the suggested reframes in this book work for
you, your life will be transformed.
3. Perhaps you protest that it isn’t TRUE that alcohol is poison like
arsenic or cyanide! Correct. Reframes don’t try to be “true” in a
technical or philosophical sense. Reframes don’t even need to be
rational or logical. We judge reframes by how well they work.
Period.
REFRAMES DON’T NEED TO BE TRUE.
THEY DON’T EVEN NEED TO BE LOGICAL.
THEY ONLY NEED TO WORK.

Is alcohol literally poison? No. Or maybe. Sort of. Depends. It doesn’t

matter. Your brain will process a lie—or any form of fiction—the same way
it processes a truth. That’s why a movie can make you laugh, cry, or feel
inspired even while you know the story is made-up.
 Our imaginations—whether driven by fiction or our own thoughts—have
the same power as real experiences when it comes to rewiring our brains.
You already know a dramatic experience in the real world can instantly
rewire your brain to make you forever fear or love something that reminds
you of that experience. But imagination—including reframing—can also
rewire your brain over time. You simply need to focus and repeat the
reframe in your head long enough for the hack to work.
In my case, every time someone offers me alcohol or asks why I don’t
drink, I say, “Alcohol is poison,” either aloud or in my head. I have
repeated the reframe so many times it has become my truth in this
subjective reality in which we live.
Is it hard for me to resist drinking? It used to be. Now I am puzzled by
why anyone would drink poison for entertainment. My story that alcohol is
poison has become my reality. But is alcohol poison? Yes, definitely. And
by that, I mean maybe. Or not. Doesn’t matter. I’ve reframed alcohol out of
my life. That was the plan.
By the way, I’m not suggesting you need to stop drinking. That’s not
what I do. I’m here to give you the tools to reframe your brain however you
like.

Reframes Are Safe

I won’t ask you to trust me on the topic of reframing. I don’t need to. The
nature of reframes is that they are so safe, you can try as many as you like.
See for yourself which ones work. When we get to more reframe
suggestions in this book, you’ll see they are all as safe as, “alcohol is
poison.”
Don’t worry about accidentally breaking your own brain. We reprogram
our brains all the time, to good effect. I’m just teaching you some ways to
do it better.
For example, you wouldn’t worry that learning to play a musical
instrument will harm your brain, but you know it’s rewiring your neural
circuitry to develop those skills. Reframes are no more dangerous or exotic
than learning a new skill. I’ll trust you to know if any of these reframes
feels risky to you, just as I would trust your decision to play an instrument,
learn a new language, or take a college course. Everything you experience
rewires your brain. I’m teaching you how to do it strategically instead of
randomly.

The Technique
The simplest way to get the benefits of a reframe is to expose yourself to it.
That’s all it takes. And you’re doing it right now by reading this book.
You’re doing a great job.
Any reframes that don’t seem relevant to you will be soon forgotten, but a
few are likely to become sticky in your mind. That stickiness is all you
need. It creates focus and repetition—with no effort at all—and that’s all it
takes to rewire your brain. Adding some emotion helps, but it’s optional.
The “alcohol is poison” reframe works because some people had a
profound reaction to it from the start, and their minds kept returning to it
when thoughts of alcohol popped up. That was enough focus and repetition
to hack their brains. Others—especially non-drinkers—heard the reframe
and probably never thought of it again. It wasn’t important to them.
As a rule, the reframes you need will probably be sticky from the first
exposure. The reframes you don’t need will rapidly fade from memory.

Reframes You Already Know

It won’t be hard to convince you how powerful reframing is because you’ve
already been doing some version of it for years. Are any of these familiar?
In chaos there is opportunity.
It’s darkest before the dawn.
The customer is always right.
Those are reframes. Note that none of them are “true” in any total sense,
but all of them are useful. That’s why they survive as old sayings; they
work.
As I will often mention—no matter how much you hate it!—good
reframes often have the weird quality of being untrue literally while still
being useful. Take the first example on my list. It isn’t true that chaos
necessarily creates opportunities for any specific person or entity, but
accepting it as true (enough) is a great way to improve your attitude and
your odds of success in the long run.
If you learn to look for opportunities in chaos or in bad news of any kind,
I guarantee you will spot some sooner or later. All you need to do is train
yourself to look for the opportunities. I use this reframe a lot. The first thing
I think when something falls apart is that an opportunity has been created. I
still deal with the problem, of course, but I’ve rewired my brain via
repetition to automatically look for the upside. I always find it.
Similarly, I’m sure it’s not always darkest before the dawn in any real
sense except that one of those things must always follow the other. But it
predicts nothing about your specific situation. Nevertheless, rewiring your
brain to think in that positive way can help you anticipate good news others
do not see coming. It also keeps your anxiety in check when everyone else
is saying the world is about to burn. It hasn’t burned yet.
On to the third reframe, is the customer always right? Heck, no. A
McDonald’s employee recently told me about an elderly man at the drive-
thru window who complained about McDonalds having an app. He said,
“Why does McDonald’s need an app now??? Is McDonalds planning to
build an airport???”
It’s not entirely clear what an airport has to do with the McDonalds app.
That customer was not “right” in any coherent way. But that’s not the point
of “the customer is always right.” It is not meant to be literally, universally
true. It is meant to rewire your brain toward fixing problems instead of
debating them. And it works.
This book introduces new and more powerful reframes, but they all have
the same qualities as the old reliables: They aren’t necessarily true, but
they work. Once you understand why that apparent contradiction can exist
without any downside, you’ll know how to make your own reframes.

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 CHAPTER 1

How to Reprogram
Your Brain

W hat does it take to rewire a brain? Not much. You only need three
things, and one of them is optional:
Focus
Repetition
Emotion (fear, happiness, hate, love, passion, etc.)
You can rewire brains fastest with an emotional turbocharge, but focusing
on and repeating a reframe without emotion will also get you where you
want to go eventually. Your brain builds new structures in response to
whatever stimuli you’re pumping into it. Focus and repetition move an idea
(or reframe) from conceptual to physical, meaning physical changes in your
brain structure. Adding emotion can make the rewiring happen faster, but
again, that part is optional.
If you want to add emotion to a reframe to give it more impact, you can
start with a reframe that is conceptual, such as this familiar saying:
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
To add emotion to the reframe, think about what accomplishment this
new strength will help you achieve. Do you need to gather strength to
demand a raise or to win a competition? Focus on an emotionally powerful
endpoint and imagine it often. That emotional energy will make the reframe
burrow into your mind faster.
Writing and speaking on the topic of success for a few decades has taught
me that people like their advice in simple, accessible forms. In addition to
giving you the new reframes in this book, I also recast the strongest ideas
from my prior work as reframes because that makes them easier to
remember and share.
If you plan to share reframes with others—especially teens—it isn’t
always practical to ask them to read a book. But most people can digest and
remember a two-sentence reframe. If they like what they hear, perhaps they
will double-back later and read the source material (this book).
Reframes are easy to learn, easy to remember, often influential, and
portable—which makes them easier to share, post, text, and embroider on a
pillow. And you’re about to experience a lot of them.
Because reframes are quick and easy to learn, I packed more than 160 of
them in this book, which raises the odds that at least one of them will
change your life.
That’s enough priming. Let’s get to the good stuff.

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 CHAPTER 2

Success Reframes

THE ODDS OF SUCCESS

H ave you ever noticed how surprised some people are by their own
successes? For every person who “knew they would be great” and
succeeded, there are twenty who exceeded their own expectations. And that
has always suggested to me that humans are bad at predicting their own
success.
Personally, I’ve failed at most of the things I’m qualified for while
succeeding at many thinGs I’m not qualified for. My education includes a
degree in economics and an MBA from a top school. But I’ve had no luck as a
banker or entrepreneur for a variety of reasons. On the flip side, I’ve done
great in areas in which I had no experience or training whatsoever.
Qualified: Banker, entrepreneur
Unqualified: Cartoonist, author, public speaker, political pundit
That teaches me I’m terrible at estimating my own odds of success. So-
called common sense didn’t help me a bit. I suspect many people reading this
book are in the same situation; you think you know what you would be good
at, but you could be wildly wrong.
Usual Frame: My odds of success are low.
Reframe: Maybe I’m bad at estimating the odds.
Once you realize you’re terrible at estimating the odds of your own success,
you’re free to try things you might otherwise not consider. You are allowed to
expand beyond your comfort zone without pressure because the only way to
know what will work is to test it for yourself.
I won’t try to tell you that anyone can succeed at anything they want if they
approach the challenge with enthusiasm and passion. That would be nuts. I
probably succeed at about 10 percent of what I try no matter how hard I try,
but I generally try a lot of long-shot ideas that could be huge if they work. I
only need one-out-of-ten to win big and I’m in good shape. This book, for
example, is one of several projects I will have worked on this year. I might try
adding an interview feature on my YouTube channel. Recently, I began testing
my own funny-but-useful cooking show for people who don’t know anything
about at-home meal prep. I’ll test several content ideas to see what catches on.
A year from now, I’m sure I’ll be able to say I tested ten different content ideas
to see what created its own energy in my mind and among my audience. I’ve
been testing ideas at about that rate of ten per year for decades, and I still have
no idea in advance which will work out. I’m bad at estimating my own odds of
success in any specific domain, so I compensate with volume. That’s what I
recommend for you, too. If the first thing you try doesn’t work, try something
else. You never know for sure what will click.
For example, you might go on ten dates before finding a good romantic
match, or you might try ten side jobs before one fits and becomes your career.
Think of it this way.
Usual Frame: I fail at 90 percent of the things I try.
Reframe: I only need to succeed 10 percent of the time.
You can choose to feel like a loser every time something doesn’t work out,
or you can reframe your situation as a winner’s journey that might take some
time. I recommend the winner’s reframe.

WANTING VERSUS DECIDING

If you want something, you might be willing to work hard to get it within
reason. But if you decide to have something, you will do whatever it takes.
Usual Frame: I want to do (something).
Reframe: I have decided to do (something).
If I were to make a list of all the business startups and other money-making
schemes I’ve worked on during my career and then divide that long list into
what worked out well and what failed, there would be a pattern. You wouldn’t
notice the pattern, but I would. The efforts that failed were all ones I wanted to
succeed. And I worked hard to try to make them succeed. I wasn’t doing all-
nighters or risking money I couldn’t afford to lose, but I put in great effort and
yes, some cash. None of those wants worked out.
Luckily, several business projects did work out. Dilbert became an
international sensation, I wrote several bestselling books, and I was one of the
highest paid speakers in the country for several years. To be fair, I was only
able to do all of that because the original Dilbert comic strip took off. And
there is one thing that stands out about that initial Dilbert success: I didn’t
want to be a successful cartoonist; I decided to be one. When I was offered a
syndication contract in 1988—the ultimate big break for a cartoonist—I made
a promise to myself that no matter what happened, I would never allow myself
to look back and say I didn’t work hard enough to make it a success.
I knew I was entering a field in which the odds of making it big were around
1 percent even after getting the syndication contract, which was already
insanely unlikely. The syndication company sells comics to newspapers and
web platforms and splits the money with the cartoonists. I had a contract but
zero newspaper clients on day one. By the end of the first year of selling
Dilbert comics to newspapers, only a few small newspapers were carrying the
strip. At that point, seeing no hope of a big hit, the salespeople moved on to
the next comic that was being launched. If Dilbert was going to succeed, I
would need to make it happen on my own.
And so, I worked my day job while also writing and promoting the Dilbert
comic for several years. I later wrote books and did licensing. For over ten
years, I had the equivalent of three full-time jobs. I worked seven days a week,
including holidays. I did everything I could do to promote the comic, putting
100 percent of my mind and body into it. For many of those years, I answered
hundreds of emails per day from fans. I traveled the country for book signings
and autograph sessions that would last hours. I did photoshoots and interviews
several times per week for a decade. Dilbert was the first syndicated comic to
be published on the Internet, which also took a lot of work.
On paper, my workload from those years looks impossible. If I had merely
wanted to succeed, I don’t think I could have lasted. But I didn’t merely want
to succeed, I decided to succeed. And once you decide, the psychology of the
situation changes. My crushing workload felt like a privilege. I reminded
myself that almost any cartoonist would want to trade places with me. It was
never easy, and it was never painless, but I was unstoppable because I had
decided.
If you are wondering how you can know if the thing you desire is a want or
a decision, I can help with that. It’s easy. If you are not sure, you have not
decided. If you decide, you won’t have any doubt. That’s what makes it a
decision.

MANAGING ENERGY INSTEAD OF TIME

I’ve written approximately 11,000 comic strips since the beginning of my
cartooning career in 1989. Nearly every one of those comics was written
before 9:00 AM. If I write a joke at 5:00 AM, I usually like how it turns out. If
I try writing a joke at 3:00 PM, I’ll probably end up tossing out whatever I
produce.
I think of this as managing energy, not time. I have exactly the right kind of
energy for coffee-fueled creative writing in the morning. But a caffeine buzz is
exactly the wrong kind of energy for drawing comics, as that requires a more
relaxed vibe. So I write in the morning when writing is easy, and I draw in the
evenings when drawing is easy. That’s managing energy, not time.
Usual Frame: Manage your time.
Reframe: Manage your energy.
In my experience, the energy I have for a task is more important to the
outcome than the amount of time I have allocated to do it. I can produce more
in fifteen minutes with the right energy than four hours with the wrong energy.
Most creative people will tell you something similar. There is a time of day
that works best for creative work and other times that do not work at all. The
same holds for exercise. I have the right energy for exercise at about noon each
day. So that’s when I do it. And I assume I get better outcomes compared to
exercising when I’m at low energy.
 The secret to managing energy as opposed to time is to gain as much control
as you can over your own schedule. If you have a boss, you might not have
options about when you do what. If you have a spouse or family or pet or other
obligation, those, too, can force you out of the more productive and happy
energy management mode into time management mode. That’s why I say you
should favor life choices that give you schedule flexibility. For example, if you
get two job offers that seem equivalent but one gives you more schedule
freedom, take the freedom. Likewise with relationships. If you are equally
attracted to two people and need to choose, consider picking the one who gives
you the most schedule freedom. Freedom is a good tiebreaker for decisions
with unpredictable outcomes. (The other good tiebreaker is how much you will
learn in one situation versus the other.)
When you manage energy instead of time, you might not get around to all
the tasks that need to get done. The solution to that: Don’t do those tasks. At
least not today. If that sounds irresponsible, think of all the things that ever
went wrong because you didn’t get something done that was in the bottom 20
percent of your priorities. I’ll do that exercise, too, right now, and if either of
us thinks of even one example, I’ll be amazed.
Okay, begin.
I’m done.
I got nothing. Neither did you, I’m guessing. The least-important 20 percent
of your tasks are unlikely to have made a difference in your life. Let them go.
It’s hard at first, but you get used to it. There might be some blowback when
certain tasks get postponed, but you can more than make up for that by being
able to do your creative and important work when your energy is at its best.
The time-versus-energy tradeoff is embedded in most of your decisions, but
perhaps you never thought of it that way. For example, your diet and fitness
systems might take extra time out of your day, but you get that back in healthy
energy.
Or perhaps you’re lucky enough to have two potential romantic partners, and
there’s a difference in how much energy you feel with each. Follow the energy.
That’s a good signal.
 If you’re trying to decide between two career paths, you probably feel a
distinct energy difference when you think of one versus the other. Don’t ignore
that.
When you’re buying a car, most of that decision is practical and focused on
your needs, but some car models give you a feeling that boosts your energy.
Some don’t. Sometimes, that feeling hits you every time you get near the
vehicle. That’s energy. Take the car that provides it.
And so it goes with most decisions in life—one path energizes you more
than the other, no matter how they stack up in other dimensions. Energy isn’t
the only variable—I don’t want to leave that impression—but after health and
safety, it’s near the top. Treat it that way, and life will surprise you on the
upside.

KNOWING WHAT YOUR JOB IS

We are trained to believe our “job” is the set of tasks we accomplish for an
employer in return for money. That’s how I saw it until a CEO shared with me
his approach to business. He viewed his career as a non-stop search for a better
job and because of that changed jobs and companies often. Apparently it
worked because he was the head of a company when I met him.
Usual Frame: Your job is what your boss tells you it is.
Reframe: Your job is to get a better job.
Don’t confuse your job with the work your employer wants you to do. The
boss might want you to process all the pending orders by quitting time, but
your job is to get a better job. Everything else you do should service that
reframe. If it doesn’t help you leave the job you are in and upgrade, it might
not be worth doing. But don’t worry that this line of thinking feels sociopathic
—doing a good job on your assigned duties is one way to look good for
promotions.
The reframe reminds us to be in continuous job-search mode, including on
the first day of work at a new job. If that sounds unethical, consider that your
employer would drop you in a second if the business required it. In a free
market, you can do almost anything that is normal and legal. Changing jobs—
for any reason you want—is normal. Your employer’s job is to take care of the
shareholders. It’s your job to take care of you. That doesn’t always mean
acting selfishly. If being generous with your time and energy seems as if it will
have the better long-term payoff, do that.
Your employer might want to frame employees as “a family,” which is
common, but that’s to divert you from the fact that they can fire you at will.
They don’t want you to know you have the same power to fire them. Part of
the job of leadership is convincing you that what is good for the leader is good
for you. Sometimes that is the case but keep your priorities clear. You are
number one.
When I recommend being selfish in the job market, I expect you to know
that approach works best when dealing with a big corporation. A small
business might require a more generous approach.
When your workplace reframe is that your job is to get a better job, that
helps you make decisions that work in your favor. For example, if you’re
offered a choice of two different projects at work, pick the one that teaches you
a valuable skill, lets you show off what you can do, or lets you network with
people who can help you later. Don’t make the mistake of picking the project
that has the most value to the company if doing so has the least value to you.
Sometimes your best career move is to do exactly what your boss asks,
especially if it’s critical to the company. You’ll know those situations when
you see them. Don’t lose sight of your mission: Get a better job.

BOREDOM
Boredom is an underappreciated asset for success. We think of it as a lack of
action, and it is. But it is a far better starting point for your journey to success
than having too much fun to get serious about your future. Life rewards action
over inaction, and boredom is exactly the kind of mental state people need to
organically trigger them into acting.
But what kind of action? That matters.
When you’re bored with life and directionless, the fastest way out is to ramp
up your risk of embarrassment. After all, what do you have to lose? The
simplest way to embarrass yourself is by trying to do something you know you
don’t do well . . . in front of witnesses.
A recreational ax-throwing business recently opened near where I live.
Throwing an ax at a target isn’t as easy as it looks. You must judge the rotation
of the ax just right or the handle hits the target with a humiliating thunk before
falling to the ground in disgrace. If it’s your first time with an ax, you’re
guaranteed to look like a boneless chicken trying to juggle bowling pins. Invite
some friends and embarrass yourself. You won’t be bored.
If you’re single, ask out someone you believe is above your self-assessed
pulling power. If they say no, you lose nothing but your boredom. Take a
chance and let yourself flame out and fail if that’s what fate has in mind. You
might be lucky and find the love of your life. Or you might get slapped down
so hard it makes a funny story. But you won’t be bored, and you’ll be hardened
for the next pothole life presents you. I’m already proud of you in advance for
the smart risks of embarrassment you will be taking.
If you’re looking to advance your career, this is the time to scare the
bejeezus out of yourself by asking for a raise that is so aggressive you worry
your boss will either laugh or fire you on the spot. That’s not boring! Or see if
you can get partners to invest in you or work with you on a new business. Or
sign up for a training class that could change your life. You have many options
for scaring yourself in productive ways. Boredom is nature’s way to remind
you to do that.
Usual Frame: I am bored with life.
Reframe: I am not embarrassing myself enough.
I sometimes think of this reframe as a “game mode” in which I can practice
doing awkward or embarrassing things I would ordinarily avoid. And it’s all
“free money,” as I like to say, because almost anything is better than being
bored.
Have you ever caused trouble just because you were bored? If you have, you
know exactly what I mean. But I recommend being more strategic about your
troublemaking. Don’t pick the kind of trouble that benefits no one. Pick the
kind of risks that will have a good payoff if things work out.
 If I haven’t yet persuaded you to take on more risk of embarrassment, here’s
another reframe.
Usual Frame: Embarrassment is something to be avoided.
Reframe: Embarrassment is an investment.
In the short run, embarrassment can sting. In the long run, you will be
tougher for the experience, and you might have a funny story to tell. You
almost always come out ahead when you take a hard shot to your ego and
survive to play again. And some of those potential embarrassments turn into
life-changing victories that couldn’t have happened without putting yourself
out there. So the next time you see an opportunity to embarrass yourself,
repeat “cha-ching” (the cash register sound) in your mind instead of “oh-no.”
Learning to laugh at your own embarrassments is one of the most useful
skills a person can develop. It can help you financially, socially, and mentally,
as the next reframe explains, by helping you better understand reality and deal
with it more successfully.

COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
Cognitive dissonance is an illusion your brain generates to explain a
discrepancy between who you think you are and how you act. For example, if
you think you’re smart but you observe yourself doing something dumb,
you’re not likely to revise your belief about yourself. Your worldview is linked
to your understanding of who you are in relation to the rest of the world.
Revising your entire understanding of yourself would be a huge mental
expense, and it wouldn’t be fast or painless. By comparison, it takes almost no
energy to hallucinate that your dumb actions were really brilliance in disguise
because, as you will explain it to friends, “frogs are basically dogs.”
That last part about the frogs and dogs is just an example of the type of
“word salad” nonsense a person experiencing cognitive dissonance typically
exhibits.
Now here’s the fun part. How often do you think normal humans experience
this weird phenomenon? If you’re not a hypnotist and not a cognitive
psychologist, you probably think it’s rare. But if you have some experience in
this domain, you see it as a fundamental human experience. We are always in a
subjective bubble of reality of our own making, one which requires cognitive
dissonance. So it isn’t rare. It’s the opposite—closer to universal. Understand
this and you understand people.
On social media, common sense suggests that political disagreements
emerge from different priorities, different information, and sometimes different
levels of reasoning skills. Sometimes political debates look like pure teamplay
with no regard to reason. But once you learn to spot cognitive dissonance, you
realize it explains about 60 percent of all the “crazy” opinions you see.
If you want to burst out of the cognitive dissonance bubble so you can see
the world as it is—yourself included—I have a reframe that can help. I wrote
this as an absolute to keep it simple, but let’s agree you are not always wrong
or always hallucinating.
Usual Frame: Being wrong is embarrassing and should be avoided.
Reframe: Fear of embarrassment forces you to be wrong.
Notice we harken back to the previous reframe about boredom and
embarrassment. Fear of embarrassment is the main reason people don’t like to
admit they are wrong. And that’s what causes cognitive dissonance. When you
discover you were wrong about something important, your brain fixes that for
you by hallucinating you were right all along—for reasons that will sound to
others like word salad. But imagine if you were never embarrassed in life,
about anything. If you were wrong about something, you would simply say so
and never fret about it again. If your friends mocked you for being wrong, you
would join in the fun.
The opposite would happen if you were susceptible to shame and
embarrassment. In that case, your brain might insta-generate a hallucination
that you were right all along, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
For example, if you imagined you were a subject matter expert and some non-
expert annihilated your opinion in an undeniable way, that would trigger a
hallucination. You might hallucinate that your critic is a foreign spy and
dismiss them as a troublemaker. You might hallucinate that you “keep
answering the question” while never doing anything of the sort. A
hallucination can take any form, from a false memory to the false belief that
the words you’re saying make sense.
I have a lot of experience identifying cognitive dissonance because I
intentionally trigger people into it on X as a demonstration for my followers.
I’ve started telling my audience in advance when my debate participant will
start the word salad phase, and sure enough, it happens on cue. All I need to do
is point out an obvious flaw in an argument. When I’m wrong, the response is
a normal counterpoint that sounds sensible, even if I don’t agree. When I’m
right, the response reads like a jargon-generator having a meltdown. Very
different and easy to spot. A public display of cognitive dissonance is far more
embarrassing than admitting you were wrong. Between the two, the latter is
easy. It just takes some practice. I recommend putting yourself in potentially
embarrassing situations until it becomes easy to ignore the sensation, the same
way you hone any skill—you train. You test. You experiment.
I use another hack as well, which you might be able to replicate in your own
way. I repurpose my “mistakes” into content for my daily livestream shows,
which makes me more relatable to the audience. They also create a learning
opportunity. Why was I wrong? What illusion bamboozled me? What gap in
my reasoning skills caused the problem? By turning my mistakes into content,
I can welcome them instead of hiding from them. Cognitive dissonance gets no
problem to solve in my case—I need no illusions to explain my place in the
universe because I know everyone makes mistakes. My self-image stays intact,
so there is no trigger for hallucinating.
You don’t have a livestreaming show (probably), so that specific hack won’t
be for you. You can still generalize the concept for presenting yourself to
others. Do you have an “always right” brand that would make you vulnerable
to a better argument or better data? When the “always right” are proven wrong,
they hallucinate. But if you can, for example, cultivate a reputation that can
handle being spectacularly wrong without offending your sense of self, do that.
It will make you the only person in the room who can see the whole field.
Others will be obsessed with being right, and that becomes the fuel for their
own hallucinations.
 I also recommend detaching your sense of self from any “team” in politics.
The moment you join a team, your brain will start feeding you one
hallucination after another about the wonderfulness of your side and the
horribleness of the other. That’s why I don’t identify as Republican or
Democrat, conservative or liberal. If any group comes up with a good idea, my
brain won’t fight it. That means no trigger for cognitive dissonance.
I can almost hear your thoughts as you read this, screaming at me in your
head that I have no way to know if I have reduced my cognitive dissonance
with the techniques I described. Maybe I am having the sort of hallucination I
keep assigning to others. How would I know?
You get an A+ for that insightful criticism. By definition, a person
experiencing cognitive dissonance does not know it is happening. I would be
no different. It’s within the realm of possibility that I wrote this entire chapter
while hallucinating.
See what I did there? I admitted I could be hallucinating. That’s a hack for
reducing the odds of it happening. When you accept your human nature, you
remove the need to defend yourself to avoid embarrassment.
If you have a strong opinion about something and see a trigger for your own
cognitive dissonance, don’t ignore it. And if you disagree with someone
spewing word salad and see the trigger for them, you’re probably right about
who is hallucinating.
My final note on this is that I have never seen anyone get talked out of
cognitive dissonance. The best you can do is put a crack in the wall and hope
that someday makes it easier for the sufferer to break out on their own. I
mention this so you don’t get frustrated by thinking you are in a debate with a
reasonable person when nothing of the sort is happening.

HOW TO START SOMETHING BIG

Have you ever wanted to do something substantial in your personal or work
life but couldn’t motivate yourself to start? A reframe can fix that.
Usual Frame: The effort is so big and daunting I can’t even start.
 Reframe: What’s the smallest thing I can do that moves me in the right
direction?
Momentum can often create more momentum, especially if you find “fuel”
along the way, like the way some video games work; you can only complete
your mission if you find energy sources as you go. I treat the real world as if
it’s that kind of video game—by starting journeys without knowing how I’ll
get the fuel to complete them. I have faith that good projects become
somewhat self-fueling, so after an initial nudge, they will start dragging me
along for the ride. Instead of draining my energy, they become suppliers.
Take the writing of this book as an example. Do you have any idea how hard
it is to write a book? IT’S REALLY, REALLY HARD. It’s so hard I generally
take a few years off after writing one. And I suspect I never would have
written a second book if I had accurately remembered how hard the first one
was. I’ve written a dozen books or so, not counting the fifty(ish) Dilbert comic
reprint books. At this point in my career, I have a full understanding of how
hard the book-writing process is—in the sense that I could explain it to you—
but I still have partial amnesia about HOW BAD IT FEELS when doing it.
Instead of treating that memory problem as a defect, I reframe it as an
advantage. It’s how I trick myself into succeeding. It’s a two-step scheme:
Step 1: Forget how unpleasant it is to write a book.
Step 2: Take the first tiny step of writing a new book and see what happens.
Here is how my project to write this book unfolded, which is a typical
scenario for me. Notice how I found fuel along the way.
I jotted “reframing book” on the whiteboard in my man cave after thinking
about the topic for months. For me, writing down an idea is the first step in
manifesting something out of nothing. Progress feels good, no matter how
small. It fueled me to talk about the idea with others.
I mentioned the book idea on livestream to get feedback. The overwhelming
positive replies fueled me to the next step.
So I talked to my literary agent about the idea. My agent’s enthusiasm for
the idea fueled me further.
 My literary agent talked to my first-choice publisher. The publisher’s
enthusiasm fueled me.
Then I started turning my rough notes into chapter ideas. When chapters
start forming out of nothing, it feels like progress. That fueled me, too.
As I write this sentence . . . hold on, let me take a photo.

After a few months of not finding enough time to write in the rolling chaos
that is my home, I decided to go on a solo writer’s retreat and make the work
as painless as possible. I’m sitting in that chair now, and I must tell you this
isn’t a bad experience. I’m being refueled by the insane beauty of Hawai’i as I
write. The summary of my creative process looks like this:
Take a tiny step, look for fuel. Take another step, look for more fuel. Keep
going until you are done.
The next time you have a big project or challenge, ask yourself what is the
smallest thing you can do today to move it forward. Then do it and see if you
find more fuel. If not, it probably isn’t your calling, or at least not yet. But I
would still try a few more tiny steps to see if something brings you fuel. If not,
move on.

SYSTEMS VERSUS GOALS

In my 2013 book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big, I
introduced two reframes that changed the world. That’s a big claim, and I
invite you to be skeptical about any claim of that scale. But it happens to be
true. Once you see these two reframes, you will start noticing them
incorporated in the advice of nearly everyone in the business of giving advice.
Here is the first one.
Usual Frame: Success requires setting goals.
Reframe: Systems are better than goals.
According to my reframe, a system is something you do every day to create
good options for yourself in the future. Some people conflate systems with
“practice,” which is also a type of system, but not the whole story. The best
systems give you many options. Ordinary “practice” might be preparing you
for exactly one thing, which may be the right thing to do (or not). So practice
alone is not nearly as useful as a system that prepares you for multiple
opportunities. Being flexible and prepared for anything is a good position to be
in if you live in a rapidly evolving world.
A few examples will help you.
Getting a college education is a system because it gives you multiple career
options. You might have a general sense of where your career will go, but you
are (usually) not over-specifying it. And that’s good because your preferences
and your opportunities change all the time. It’s safest to develop skills that can
fit a variety of situations.
Learning to be a plumber might be a great career path, but it isn’t an ideal
system because it limits you to that one profession. Systems increase options;
they never limit them. To fix a plumber’s career path with a better system, I
would advise them either to learn business skills to grow by hiring employees,
or to acquire other trade skills with the long-term goal of being a general
contractor. In my example, if the plumber ends up renovating and flipping
houses instead, using the full set of skills to get it done, that was not
necessarily contemplated as a goal, but the plumber prepared for a variety of
opportunities and selected this one when it became an option. By way of
contrast, a plumber who achieved the goal of learning the trade probably has a
boss and a paycheck, but not much else.
A big downside of long-term goals without systems is that every day you do
not meet the goal, you are in a mental state of something like failure. But when
you have a system, you can feel success every day. For example, if your
system involves exercising daily, you are successful if all you did was take a
walk. But if your goal is to lose twenty pounds, you will feel like less than a
winner every day until you reach the goal. And that’s only if you don’t get
discouraged first. Compare that to a system of being active every day and
continuously learning what foods are good for you. You can work your system
every day, confident it will produce results. That’s continuous winning. It feels
great.
Goals are not worthless. They come in handy for any situation in which the
objective is clear and there are no just-as-good options. Examples include
scoring high on a test, winning a sporting competition, and running a
marathon. But when it comes to career, love, and health, you want to prepare
yourself to embrace the best opportunity that pops up. It’s a fast world. Be a
fast learner and a fast mover.
For a deeper dive into systems—for everything from career to fitness to
romance to diet—see my book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win
Big.

TALENT STACKS
I mention Talent Stacks in this book several times in connection to other
reframes, but it is a major reframe itself. The Talent Stack reframe is the
second world-changer I introduced in How to Fail at Almost Everything and
Still Win Big. A talent stack is a collection of skills that work well together to
make you valuable and rare in a wide variety of ways. This is far different
from the classic advice about focusing on being the best at some specific skill.
That might have made more sense in an earlier time. But in a fast-moving
world, you can’t predict what next year looks like. That means your best odds
of happiness are closely associated with how flexible your talent stack is.
 Usual Frame: Focus on being excellent at a skill that has commercial value.
Reframe: Acquire skills that work well together and make you rare and
flexible at the same time.
The simplest example of building a talent stack that meets my specs is
adding public speaking skills to any big-company job. That one skill set makes
you the obvious choice for promotion to manager. It also makes you a better
candidate for a variety of lateral and upward career moves.
If you also add effective listening skills, business writing, contract
negotiation, and some people skills, not much can stop you. And you could
learn that entire stack of skills in a month without breaking a sweat.
On my Locals subscription site—scottadams.locals.com—I have recorded
over 200 micro lessons, most of them less than four minutes in length. Each
teaches you a new useful life skill. In a few weeks, you could rewire your
brain with over 200 new skills, building upon your existing awesomeness.
Would you want to compete with someone who had developed 200 skills in
one month? I wouldn’t, and I’m the one who created the lessons.
I have consciously followed a system of acquiring complementary skills my
entire adult life. When my corporate employers offered to pay for a class, I
took it. When I saw an article purporting to teach me how to sleep better, or do
anything better, I read and absorbed it.
Here is a snapshot of the most useful entries in my talent stack so you can
see how they have guided my strange career path:
Economics degree
Business degree (MBA)
Hypnotist
Computer programmer (minor tech skills)
Writing
Drawing
Humor writing
Banker
Manager
Entrepreneur
 Public speaker
Drummer (work in progress)
Livestreaming (podcasting)
Touch-typing (a bigger advantage than it sounds)
Design skills
PR skills
What I hope you notice about my collection is how well they work together
to make me more than the sum of my parts. With my unique talent stack, I can
become a cartoonist who has many windows into life, or I could be a podcaster
who analyzes the news, or I could go on the speaking circuit, or I could write
books on a variety of topics. I do all those things.
Did one item on the list—drumming—seem as though it doesn’t work with
the rest of the skills on my list? I’m learning to drum because I believe it will
give me another window into persuasion. I might incorporate it into my
podcasting. All I know for sure is that few things are as persuasive as a dance
beat, and I want to see what I learn from figuring out how to create one.
I don’t recommend replicating my talent stack. You should start with your
natural talents and interests and figure out what else plays well with
them. Here are some examples:
If you like finance, learn to be a good communicator and your options
multiply.
If you speak a second language, start a business (or work for one) that puts
your linguistic advantage to use.
If you have a real estate license, learn to manage rental properties. Those
work well together.
Some years ago, a young man sat in my kitchen and asked me how I would
go about designing a career for him. I knew he had artistic talent and an
interest in tech. So I told him to learn user interface design and build up his
graphic arts portfolio. Combine those skills, and you can add value to big
companies and startups alike. I didn’t hear from the young man for several
years. When I finally did, he reported that he followed my talent stack strategy
—Apple had just hired him for lucrative contract work in his field. He has
since moved on to an even better job because he could. Last time we spoke, he
was learning how to code. He will never have trouble finding good work that
pays well.

BURDENS AND PUZZLES

Life likes to toss problems at us with such regularity it sometimes feels as if
we signed up for the Burden-of-the-Week Club. Each of these challenges
requires some cleverness, hard work, or some other discomfort to handle. I’ve
learned I can change my cranky “why me???” attitude by reframing my current
burden as a puzzle in need of a solution.
Obviously, it is harder to be playful when your problems involve life and
death. But most of the time, we are just figuring out how to be in two places at
the same time and other ordinary impossibilities of life. Usually, we surprise
ourselves by how cleverly we work through one problem after another, but it
all seems like a huge bother.
Usual Frame: Another problem! Why me???
Reframe: Ooh, a new puzzle to solve.
Amazingly, this absurd little reframe almost instantly makes me feel less
bothered by my problems. In effect, I gamify my burdens and challenge myself
to find smart solutions.
Humans are good at solving problems. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here.
Some of us are better than others, but we all seem to get through the challenges
of the day. Today is unlikely to be different. Tell yourself your burdens are
puzzles to solve—see if that changes how you feel. Remember, not all
reframes work for all people. I wouldn’t have imagined this one working for
me if I hadn’t tried it so many times with success.
I also recommend gamifying your repetitive tasks such as folding laundry,
straightening up the house, or making the bed. You do this by treating the
“skill” involved as a serious endeavor. For example, I can fold a bath towel so
quickly and capably I feel like a circus performer. Every folded towel gives me
a little dopamine release. And that’s what makes it a game. I chase the tiny
dopamine releases. A good fold literally feels good. By the time I fold six
towels, I’m delighted with my own hand-eye-coordination. Strange but true.
I do something similar with straightening up the house. Instead of picking up
one item at a time or maybe a few and putting them back in the rooms where
they belong, I survey the space and calculate the shortest distance to each item.
Then I scoop them up and put them at the exit points to their destinations. But
I don’t deliver them to their destination until I have a reason to be walking in
that direction for some other reason. By bedtime, all the little piles have been
redistributed to their homes, and I feel a dopamine release associated with my
pride of minor competence.
Humans evolved to be happier when moving and doing. Household chores
satisfy that need, and with a little gamification, they can be sources of
dopamine. It simply feels good to do a necessary task efficiently. I don’t think
people are too different in that regard.
Usual Frame: Ugh, I hate this repetitive chore.
Reframe: I can do this chore so gracefully and efficiently it feels like a
game.

PASSION
When you ask successful people about their secrets for success, they often say
“passion” is the key. That’s only because successful people don’t want to tell
you they are smarter than you, took bigger risks, got lucky, inherited money,
broke the law, or had some other advantage not available to you. This is how
rich people like me prevent the public from killing us to take our stuff. We
create a fictional story about how you, too, can get everything rich people have
—if you just dial up your “passion” a bit.
It’s total baloney. You do need enough energy and enthusiasm to push
through the hard times to succeed. But that’s obvious. Energy and enthusiasm
don’t have the same “zing” passion does even though they’re both orders of
magnitude more important for making something of yourself. Personally, I’ve
never NOT been aggressive about my career, no matter what direction it took.
I wouldn’t call it passion. I simply tried different things until something
worked. I was lucky my big break was cartooning because that also gave me a
good lifestyle without commuting. But I would have been happy working at a
startup and probably equally successful in the long run. Passion has never been
part of my process.
Usual Frame: Passion is the key to success.
Reframe: Passion is nice but not required.
If you succeed at anything, passion is likely to find you after the fact. It feels
good to succeed, especially if there are witnesses. In my experience, success is
most related to your systems, your talent stack, and your ability to go where
the energy already is. You also must check the obvious boxes like work hard,
stay healthy, and avoid jail. I’ll trust you to get the easy stuff right. Then get
your systems and talent stack in order, and you’ll do fine.

MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING

A common truism is that it takes money to make money. If you already have a
million dollars, your odds of making a second million are much higher than the
odds of someone with zero dollars making their first million. I have lived that
truth for decades. When I got rich making the Dilbert comic strip, all kinds of
other business opportunities popped up. I got offers for speaking engagements,
book deals, licensing, movies, and more. Success breeds success, and
monetary success breeds more monetary success. Money makes everything
easier.
If you don’t already have money but you have ambition to be more than a
wage slave all your life, there are some well-worn paths for turning the
“nothing” you have into real money. It starts with this reframe.
Usual Frame: It takes money to make money.
Reframe: I can turn energy into money.
Obviously the energy must be applied in the right places, and I don’t mean
working for a paycheck. I mean working on yourself until others see you as
money. Here are some methods for doing just that.

Reciprocity
If you can find a way to provide value to someone at a low or reasonable cost
to yourself, you can create an asset out of “nothing.” Humans are wired to
reciprocate. Do a favor for someone who has access to many resources,
someone who hires people, or someone who knows a lot of people, and your
odds of someday getting something tangible in return are good.
Usual Frame: Don’t give something for nothing.
Reframe: Giving triggers reciprocity (on average).

Give More Than Expected

If I could only give you one piece of career advice, it would be to always give
more than is expected of you. When you do that, you instantly stand out as a
person of character. And doing more than expected is almost always doable.
For example, you might go out of your way to thank someone for a job well-
done, or you might offer to stay late to help a coworker finish a project.
Whenever an expectation about your actions is established, ask yourself what
it would take to exceed it. There is no simpler formula for social and career
success.
Who is the first person you think of when you think about people who give
more than expected? Ask yourself how much you respect that person. I’ll bet
you have a favorable opinion, and that’s the point. You can create an asset out
of nothing by creating a pattern that says working with you is always a good
deal.
Usual Frame: Do your job.
 Reframe: Do more than your job.

Networking
Who you know is almost as important as how much value you can add to the
world. The more people you know, the more likely someone will recommend
you for an opportunity you didn’t know existed. Meeting people and forming
connections is a skill, and it won’t cost you much to do it. This book is not a
how-to on networking, and frankly I’m not especially good at it. But many
people have added me to their networks over the years, and more than a few
ended up happy about it. Networking doesn’t guarantee success, but it is by far
the strongest way to create something from nothing. You might need to work
on your social skills before tackling this. I always recommend the Dale
Carnegie courses for that. You can probably find a local class.
You can’t know for sure if you have met all the people who can ever help
you in your career, so compensate for that by meeting as many people as you
can. Networking is a numbers game. Get your numbers up.
Usual Frame: Success depends on who you know.
Reframe: Success depends on how many people you know.

Working Late
If you have bosses, make sure those bosses see you at work when they arrive
and see you still working when they leave. This is especially important for a
first impression. Make sure your new boss sees you as the “whatever it takes”
person who isn’t afraid of hard work. You might be getting to work five
minutes before your boss and leaving five minutes after. That’s all it takes to
be in the top 10 percent of most work groups. No one likes to work extra hours
for no extra pay, but doing so is free and has a high likelihood of making you
stand out.
Usual Frame: Your hard work will be rewarded.
Reframe: The illusion of hard work will be rewarded.
 I’m not suggesting you cheat your employer. I’m only saying you will
benefit by making sure your employer has the impression you are a superstar
worker. Avoid being a self-assured employee who needs no external
validation. That can get you fired first in any rounds of downsizing.

Taking Initiative
In a world of followers, leaders stand out. Take initiative any time people are
around to notice. It won’t take that much extra work, and it puts you at the top
of the promotion list.
Years ago in my banking career, I put together a visual timeline of the bank’s
mainframe computer lease expirations to make it easier for management to do
capital budgeting. My boss chastised me for spending time doing something
outside my job description, but I convinced her to show it to the big boss, a
Senior Vice President. His feedback was that it was terrific and solved a big
problem, and he wanted to see more like that.
Obviously, the initiative you show must appear valuable or else it is a waste
of time, but you can generally predict what will appear valuable.
Usual Frame: Do what you are told.
Reframe: Do what you are NOT told but maybe someone should have.
When you take initiative in front of others, they will trust you are the kind of
person who takes care of business when no one is watching. Everyone wants to
hire that person. Doing what you are told gets you a paycheck. Doing what you
are NOT told (but is useful) gets you promoted. It also prepares you to be an
entrepreneur if you want that in your future.

Continuous Learning
As mentioned earlier, a powerful way to make something out of nothing
involves building a talent stack—a set of skills that work well
together. Learning isn’t free, but it can be close to free if your employer pays
for career-advancing classes or if you learn on your own online. Developing
valuable skills is the main way any adult turns nothing into something. If you
are not actively learning something of potential commercial value—all the
time—you might be leaving money on the table.
Usual Frame: Learn what you need.
Reframe: Learn continuously, especially skills that work well together.

Honesty
Honesty is a rare superpower. Outside of family members, you probably only
know a handful of people you trust to do the right thing when there are no
witnesses.
Keeping your word and being consistent about it creates an asset that is hard
to compete with in today’s sketchy world. I have a handful of friends I trust
completely, which is an incredible resource for them to have. If any of them
asked me for a favor, I would say yes before hearing the details. Each of them
created that asset—my potential assistance on some future endeavor—by
being high-character people. It cost them nothing.

Fitness
Fitness is one of the most controllable variables for success, so control it
completely. It’s like free money. Fitness has a ripple effect that benefits
everything from your career to your personal life. We humans are shallow, and
we automatically respond to the fitness of people we meet. Get in shape and
you will see the difference in how people treat you. When you feel strong and
healthy, you can take on bigger challenges, too.
Last night, I accidentally got enough sleep for the first time in four decades
or so. I woke up ready to conquer the world, break down any door, slay any
monster. Fitness, sleep, and diet are all power boosters if you do them right.
And when your personal energy is high, you feel confident you can take on
bigger challenges. People will notice and want to be around you.
That’s an asset you built from nothing—all by maintaining your body in a
smart way.

Be Dependable
It doesn’t cost you anything to show up to work when you say you will or to
complete assignments on time. When you call in sick on too many Mondays
and Fridays, you do the opposite. Dependability is an asset you can acquire
with a little bit of effort. It’s worth it.
By the time I was fourteen, I had already developed a work habit of showing
up early, working hard, not complaining, and not causing trouble in any way. If
someone needed a hand, I happily pitched in. None of those things are hard to
do. I would have happily hired my fourteen-year-old self for just about any job
a teen can handle. Being among the best teen workers for your employer is one
of the easiest things you can do. And being among the best adult workers in
your group isn’t that much harder. You don’t need to be perfect to succeed.
You only need to be better than most of the people with whom you work. And
the bar for that is low.
If you are starting with nothing but your energy and character, that’s enough
to launch a successful career—if you follow the recipe in this chapter to build
your value, especially through the acquisition of compatible skills.

BINARY THINKING
King of late-night television, Greg Gutfeld, calls this the Prison of Two Ideas.
In politics, on social issues, and in our personal lives, we tend to pick sides as
if there are only two. If someone proposes an idea, we treat it as either bad or
good. It will either work or fail. Yes or no.
In the real world, things are messy. Often the best you can do is create
friction to reduce some behaviors while adding incentives to increase other
behaviors. In both cases, you’d be lucky if you can nudge the problem a little
bit. Rarely can you solve a problem 100 percent.
So lose the yes-no framing for all your political, personal, and business
decisions. Look instead for the friction (penalties) or the incentives to make
your decisions.
Usual Frame: A plan will either work or not
Reframe: Friction and incentives always work. We just don’t know how
well until they are tested.
 You might be scratching your head and wondering who needs to learn this
reframe. Doesn’t everyone already know friction and incentives change
behavior?
Yes, but reframes don’t care what you already know. They don’t care what is
true. They don’t care what is logical. They work mindlessly to tune your brain
for better performance. The need for this reframe arose because society has
become so polarized we take sides reflexively and lose our ability to appreciate
risk, friction, motivation, and everything else that requires nuanced thinking.
“Friction and incentives always work” is a strong high-ground position to
take when you are judging a plan, especially combined with a call for testing
to find out. It’s hard for anyone to have a stronger take than that, so capture
that high ground first before someone else gets there. You’ll look like the
smartest person in the room.

PLANNING
It was once common sense to be super-careful about how you spent money or
used other resources. That made sense when resources were limited and hard
to replace. Today, if you have a startup, for example, it may make sense to
spray some ideas into the world and use up some resources to see what
happens. You can learn by failing fast and cheaply. Every situation is different,
so I’ll trust you to know when “measuring twice and cutting once” makes
sense and when it doesn’t.
Usual Frame: Measure twice, cut once.
Reframe: Just start. See if you can figure it out as you go.
Doing your research before acting will always make sense. But like most
good things, there can be too much of it. If your caution and research prevent
you from acting and the consequences of tiptoeing into a project are not
dramatic, you might be better off jumping in to see if you can sink or swim.
For example, I became one of the highest paid speakers on the professional
speakers’ circuit for years. I got there by being terrible at the start and learning
by failing until I achieved some baseline competence. It helped that I am
immune from embarrassment, but that’s a separate topic.
 If you saw the batch of Dilbert comics I submitted to comic syndicates to
start my career, you would be amazed how poorly drawn they were. And I
doubt you would find them funny. Luckily for me, one editor—Sarah
Gillespie, editor at what was United Media—spotted some kind of “voice” in
my writing that she believed she could tease out. And she did. In other words, I
started before I knew how to finish, and I figured it out.
The universe rewards action over inaction. The exception is when you need
to invest more money than you can afford to lose or take some other drastic
risk. In those cases, I don’t recommend jumping in before you know what your
plan is. But for most decisions in modern times, you can test the first step and
see what happens before going any further.
A simpler way to make this point is that you should favor action over
caution when the cost of taking the wrong action is low. Drawing some bad
comics and embarrassing myself at a speaking event are low-cost risks. It
made sense to take them.
But don’t take out a second mortgage on your house to open a cat-petting
cafe unless you have done a lot of research first. You’ll recognize the situations
in which more caution is appropriate.

SCHOOLWORK
I don’t know anyone who enjoys studying. It’s boring and painful. The reframe
that I found useful in my school days involved treating tests as competitive
events. I didn’t mind doing work to win a competitive event. But I hated
studying on the promise it would be useful someday in the future. That wasn’t
motivating.
The following reframe can only work for someone who is competitive by
nature. If you tell me doing something hard and boring will help me win a
competition, I want to get going on that hard and boring stuff right away!
Usual Frame: School is boring but necessary.
Reframe: School is a competitive event. Game on.
In my school days, it was common for teachers to let the rest of the class
know who did the best on tests, which motivated me to compete for the honor.
To be honest, I wouldn’t have competed if I didn’t think I could win often
enough to make it worth trying. So the competition has to be realistic. I
recommend competing against someone specific in your class—a friend or
even a nemesis—but choose someone you have a chance of beating on a good
day. You don’t need to tell anyone you are competing. Just compete.
Usual Frame: Compete against yourself and try to improve over time.
Reframe: Compete against others even if the others are unaware of the
competition.
It isn’t an accident that sports and politics attract so much energy.
Apparently, we evolved to compete for resources and mates, an instinct we
can’t turn off. We want to look capable compared to those around us because
that’s the best way to attract both resources and mates. If you tap into that
primal energy—the driving force of all human evolution—you will give
yourself far more energy to study harder and longer than if you are studying
because someone once told you it would help you later in life.
I’m not recommending a win-at-all-costs mentality. I don’t think that’s
healthy for most of us. I’m making the mundane observation that all managers
know: If you don’t measure, you are not managing. It’s fun and healthy to
watch improvement in your own performance, but if you want enough energy
to operate at your highest potential, consider a real or imagined competition
with someone close to your abilities. Competition is what gets your energy up.
Good intentions and discipline are not enough.

MOTIVATING PEOPLE
If you see someone do something wrong, the normal impulse is to point out the
error and explain how to do it right. In a life-and-death situation or for
anything critical, that’s exactly the right thing to do—get to the point.
But most things are not urgent. Much of life involves teaching people how to
do something you know how to do but they do not. That could involve
instructing kids, coworkers, customers, whoever. If you’re good at it, people
want you to be the boss, or at least have more responsibility. So become good
at motivating people. It gives you options.
 My first comics editor was a genius at criticizing the work of artists without
hurting their feelings. My favorite saying of hers was, “Your other work is
stronger.” It was a compliment and a criticism at the same time. I laughed
when she used it on me. And that was a good outcome, too. This reframe starts
with that gem and adds some examples you can build from.
Usual frame: You did this wrong.
Reframe: Your other work is stronger.
Alternate: I think you can top that.
Alternate: I’m not sure it’s possible to do this better, but let’s find out.
Alternate: May I show you a shortcut/trick?
Alternate: Let me show you how some people do it.
People generally want to do good work. Showing someone a better way is
often all you need. Don’t ruin it with a judgy attitude. If you have the luxury of
time so people can work out the right way to do things mostly on their own,
your best strategy is to compliment what they do right and avoid any criticisms
at all.
Most criticism falls into the obvious category, meaning the subject of the
criticism is aware of what they did wrong. People usually know when they
mess up and why. What they need is extra energy and mental strength to get
past the mistake. For that, be the motivator who ignores mistakes as if they
don’t exist and serves up dopamine treats in the form of compliments for what
has been done well. This is a Dale Carnegie method, and I have observed it
work wonders for all types of people.
Usual Frame: Tell people what they did wrong so they avoid it next time.
Reframe: Tell people what they did well so they are motivated to continue
improving.

LUCK: REVERSING A LOSING STREAK

Have you ever experienced a losing streak in life that seemed to be a message
from the universe that success and happiness are not for you? If so, I can help.
 It’s easy to get stuck in negative thinking when events in your life keep
going wrong. You might come to believe the universe is conspiring against you
(it’s not.). That alone is certain to translate into less happiness and success. So
what do you do?
I recommend the following reframe, which I have used all my adult life.
Usual Frame: The universe is acting against me.
Reframe: The universe owes me.
If you flip a coin and it comes up heads ten times in a row, the universe owes
you some tails. And if everything we know about physics and statistics is true,
you will eventually end up with the same number of heads and tails if you
keep going.
People are not coins, but the general idea is that one person cannot be
continuously lucky or unlucky for an extended period. That isn’t a thing. Bad
luck can certainly arrive in clusters, but like the coin flips, the odds must revert
to something normal over time, and that means the universe might owe you
some good luck.
The strange thing about feeling lucky or unlucky is that your experience so
often matches your expectations. Yesterday, as an experiment, I started
repeating to myself and people I encountered that “everything is going my way
today.” And sure enough, my day turned out to be spectacular. Did I create my
own good luck that day, or did I adjust my filter so I noticed the good and
ignored the bad? Or was it pure chance?
I have no idea. All I know is that acting as if you expect good luck seems to
produce more of it, whether you are writing affirmations, praying to a God, or
simply using the power of positive thinking.
If acting as if luck is coming your way doesn’t produce any luck for you for
a few weeks in a row, should you discontinue being positive? No. Your loved
ones probably noticed the change and liked it, as did your coworkers, boss, and
everyone else you encountered. And it probably helped keep you in better
spirits than if you expected doom. In other words, this is a “can’t lose”
reframe. Your payoff will either be good or great, and it might be either real or
imagined, but none of the outcomes are bad.
 This reframe is extra powerful for those of us who had suboptimal
childhoods or a bad adult life so far. The feeling that the universe owes you
some luck will be strongest when you feel the most wronged.
Don’t make the mistake of sitting on the couch waiting for luck to hunt you
down. Luck needs you to do your part, and that generally looks like this:

Work on your fitness and health.

Build your talent stack.
Meet more people.
Go where there is more energy.
Create systems for your success.

If you follow that recipe all your life and keep telling yourself the universe
owes you some luck, I like your odds.
Few things are more important to our happiness and success than pure luck.
Luck is real in the sense that some people win lotteries and others do not, and
some are born smart and attractive while others are not. But if you think luck is
something that you cannot control, you are wrong. You can control the heck
out of luck. I do it all the time. It involves moving from a place in which luck
can’t find you to a place where it can.
I’ve written this book while hoping—as authors do—that it performs well in
the marketplace. Luck will play a large role because it might only take one
major book review or recommendation to light the fuse on it. Or maybe events
in the world will line up to make this content more appealing through no effort
of my own. But there is one thing I know for sure: NOT writing a book gives
me a smaller chance of luck finding me.
The first rule of luck is that you need to “do something” to have a chance of
luck noticing you. Closely related to that rule is the recommendation that you
go where the energy is highest, i.e., a densely populated place rather than a
rural area. You want commerce and life in general to be bustling around you.
That gives you your highest odds of something lucky happening. Likewise,
joining the fastest-growing industry that will hire you probably creates more
opportunity for luck than a mature business. Follow the energy to the places in
which luck can more easily find you.
Usual Frame: Luck is random and can’t be managed.
Reframe: You can go where there is more luck (more energy).
Some of us have a hard time dealing with our own bad luck. “Why me???”
you ask. If you think the universe targeted you unfairly, that adds
psychological pain on top of whatever else is bugging you. So I use the
following reframe to avoid the “why me?” problem.
Usual Frame: I am unusually unlucky this happened to me.
Reframe: Everyone has problems. No exceptions.
We humans can be petty and jealous and vengeful and small. That’s
probably why it can make you feel better to know others have big problems,
too. No one gets through life without their share. The reason this reframe
works is probably related to the fact that you don’t mind working as much
when you know everyone else is. But if you think you are working while
others play, you will hate life. So take some comfort that your problems—no
matter how big—might be no bigger than other people’s issues you haven’t yet
heard about.

FAIRNESS
The concept of fairness is useful in sports, relationships, and other situations,
but it is a big obstacle to success. This takes some explaining because we are
wired from birth to recognize and prefer fairness. For example, if you have
siblings, you probably tried the “fairness” argument with your parents to make
sure you got an equal or better portion of whatever generosity was being
dispensed. As a kid, I tried that approach exactly three times. Each time, my
mother check-mated me with this reframe.
Usual Frame: Things should be fair. (me)
Reframe: Life isn’t fair. (Mom)
At or around the third time you hear “Life isn’t fair,” from a parent, you
realize you will never come up with a good enough argument to break it.
Could I argue that life was fair? No. Was there some law requiring fairness in
this situation? No. Did the Constitution demand it? Sorry. Did the Ten
Commandments address it? Probably not.
“Life isn’t fair” is a debate-ending reframe. I used this reframe in my limited
step-parenting experiences to good effect. I often added that fairness is not
measured in units of one day. One must look at a multi-year period to know if
something such as fairness was approached. It’s hard to debate an unknown
future from the perspective of right now. That’s why it ends the debate.
I once explained the “life isn’t fair” reframe to my stepson this way: If your
first impression is that it means you will get less stuff, you are missing the
bigger picture. The existence of so-called unfairness means you can (usually)
find situations in which the unfairness is in your favor. Be strategic. Go where
you have an “unfair” advantage. And if you can’t find an existing natural
advantage, create one by assembling a stack of talents that make you both rare
and commercially valuable. Or move to someplace that doesn’t already have
enough people who do whatever you do.
Usual Frame: Fairness is a desirable social goal.
Reframe: Fairness is the enemy of success.
The free market rewards people who solve the biggest problems, to
paraphrase Elon Musk. If you solve the world’s biggest problem, you won’t
want to be paid the same as your neighbor who has a perfectly respectable job
in the cubicle economy. That would not seem fair to you, and it would
probably prevent you from trying to solve any big problems that require
grueling work and great risk. The existence of unfairness is what drives the
entire economy. Once you embrace that truth, it will be easier to find your own
little island of advantage and exploit it.

CREATIVITY
An odd feature of my career is that people quote me a lot. Do a Google search
for “Scott Adams quotes” and a flurry of them pop up. The most viral of my
quotes—by far—is this one from my book The Dilbert Principle, published in
1996:
 Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing
which ones to keep.
That’s a reframe, but it takes a bit of explaining. The first half of the reframe
gives you permission to imagine the broadest set of ideas because you are
intentionally inviting the ones that have “mistakes” in them. But art is not
about the expected. Art lives in the so-called mistakes, the imperfections. For
example, my comic character Dilbert has no mouth. That’s a “mistake,” but for
some reason, it works. And so it becomes art.
Usual Frame: Avoid mistakes in your art.
Reframe: Invite mistakes into your art and keep the “good ones.”
The way I experience creativity is as a river of ideas flowing through my
consciousness. Nearly all of them are bad or incomplete ideas, and my brain
flushes them as quickly as they arrive. But every now and then, I get a physical
sensation from an idea. It might cause me to laugh, get goosebumps, or get
excited about a project. That’s the good one.
To put it another way, I don’t “create” ideas, I simply select the best from the
stream as it passes. And I identify the good ones by how they make me feel. I
ignore the ideas that have intellectual appeal but don’t register in my body.
Your brain doesn’t have the ability to stop thinking. That means you don’t
need to summon ideas; you only need to tell your brain what problem you are
trying to solve, then watch the ideas flow past. Pick the best ones based on
how they make your body feel.
My creative process depends as much on releasing the bad ideas as it does
on identifying the good ones. Releasing bad ideas is harder than it sounds. We
tend to fall in love with our ideas, and they become sticky. The best way to
delete a sticky-but-bad idea is reminding yourself that the active part of the
creation process is releasing the bad ideas. And if you don’t “feel” the idea—
literally feel in some part of your body—it’s not worth saving. This reframe
helps you do that.
Usual Frame: I need to come up with a good idea.
Reframe: I need to release all my bad ideas as quickly as possible.
 I won’t pretend creativity is something anyone can do if they use the right
technique. Creativity, like most human skills, is a genetic gift. Most humans
have some degree of it. What these two reframes do is give you an active way
to brainstorm. Instead of trying to summon ideas, you scan a huge number of
bad ones—focusing on speed more than analysis—until one of the ideas
moves you physically.

IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

Starting a new job can be tough on your ego. You won’t understand the
company-specific jargon for weeks. You won’t know who to ask for help. And
you won’t want to continuously ask questions of the one person who might
have all the answers. In that situation, it’s normal to feel as if you are the only
incompetent person in the company. And that feeling can last.
The way to upgrade that experience is to change your frame of comparison.
Don’t compare yourself to seasoned employees with years of experience.
Compare yourself to where you were yesterday or to when you started. Focus
on what you have learned already and how quickly you learned it. As you
watch the imaginary pile of “what you learned” grow in your mind, your
confidence will come back online.
Usual Frame: You feel like a fraud. Everyone else is competent.
Reframe: You are learning fast. Look at all you learned!
To be fair, I can’t rule out the possibility that you feel like an impostor
because you are bad at your job and always will be. But if you have read this
far, I suspect you have some skills or will soon.
I would also like to offer you a helpful observation from my decades of
experience in the business and entertainment worlds: Everyone is faking it (at
least some of the time). Thanks to my odd career, I’ve spent a lot of time with
experts of all kinds: scientists, CEOs, entrepreneurs, billionaires, doctors,
lawyers, you name it. And they all have human biases and knowledge gaps. If
you don’t believe me, go to any expert with a problem that isn’t like the
normal ones. You’ll lose all faith in humanity, but at least you won’t feel you
are the only “impostor” in the game. Everyone in a new job is an impostor, and
every experienced person encountering a novel situation is an impostor, too.
You are in good company.
If you can’t shake the sensation that you are an impostor at work, it might
make you feel better to know how successful you can be with that mindset. I
felt like an impostor at every job I’ve ever had, and I wasn’t wrong. Behold the
following experiences:
In my banking career, I was offered a job as a computer programmer and
accepted. I did not know how to program anything. I signed up for classes at
night and figured it out.
In my phone company career, I was promoted to the job of engineer despite
having a degree in economics. I muddled through with the help of coworkers
who were capable.
I was offered a contract to be a syndicated cartoonist before I had ever
created a commercial-grade comic. With the help of the syndication company,
I figured it out.
I was offered a book contract despite having zero professional writing
experience outside of comic strips. That book, The Dilbert Principle, became
the #1 bestselling nonfiction book in the country.
I was offered professional speaking opportunities despite having only some
corporate presentation experience. My first outing was a disaster. I improved
steadily and became one of the highest-paid speakers in the country.
If you saw the beginning of my livestreaming career that started on a buggy
app called Periscope and branched out to YouTube and the Locals platform,
you know how low-quality it was. I experimented for years to get the show,
Coffee with Scott Adams, to the level it is today. (Still low production quality,
but much better than where it started.)
You can see from the examples that being relatively incompetent—certainly
at first—had surprisingly little impact on where things ended up. What
mattered more were the skills I was amassing while struggling on each of
those new adventures. If you feel you are taking on a bit more than you can
handle, that’s probably the perfect place to be. You can generally do more than
you believe you can, so staying in the “impostor zone” while you build your
skills is necessary for success.
If you discover a reframe that makes you feel less of an impostor—in this
book or anywhere else—go ahead and use it. If that doesn’t work, try the other
side of the sandwich and reframe everyone else as impostors. You won’t care
so much about being an impostor when you realize you’re surrounded by
them.
Usual Frame: I feel like an impostor at my job.
Reframe: Everyone is an impostor.
I use this reframe a lot. I think it’s easier to embrace the idea that everyone is
an impostor as you get older, after you have watched countless experts and
leaders unwittingly reveal their impostor sides.

DOPAMINE FAUCET
You probably know dopamine is a chemical in your body associated with
making you feel good. But you might not know it’s essential to making you
physically move. If you wanted to move but had low dopamine, you would
just sit there wanting to get up but not moving. I’m oversimplifying, but that’s
the basic idea.
Another way to look at dopamine is that it is the “currency” your body uses
to transact business. You want your body to go do some work? You’d better
have enough dopamine to pay for it.
The dopamine frame is more than just interesting. It is also a prescription for
what to do if you find yourself low on motivation, energy, or enjoyment of life:
Go get yourself some dopamine.
As luck would have it, you are alive in an age in which we know how
humans create dopamine. Apparently, we evolved to reward ourselves with a
hit of dopamine when we complete meaningful tasks. And those tasks could be
anything from cleaning the house to taking a class to improving your career
options. When you recognize your own small successes, your brain releases
dopamine to reward you. That dopamine can propel you to greater success by
keeping you interested and energetic toward your long-term desires.
You’ve probably heard it said that success leads to success. That’s true for a
variety of reasons, one of which is dopamine production.
When I first entered the cartooning business, I kept my corporate day job for
years. That meant waking at 4:00 AM seven days per week to do the comic,
working all day during the workweek, and working again at night when I got
home. As hard as all that sounds—and it was plenty hard—it was easier than
you might think because of the dopamine feedback loop. Every day without
exception, I produced a comic that would run in newspapers around the
country. It was a task with a start and a finish, per comic, and the satisfaction
each day was wonderful. By the time I arrived at my day job, I was high on
dopamine. Compare that to corporate projects that have no end, drag on
forever, and get canceled in the next reorganization. The corporate world
doesn’t offer much in the way of completed tasks that boost dopamine.
According to Dr. Andrew Huberman, you can hack your dopamine reward
system by reframing your work today as essential to the kind of future you
want. That gives you a reason to be happy every day. I call it preferring
systems over goals. If you are following a good system, the reward is that you
followed the system.
My best example of systems over goals is my gym-going habit. About five
times a year, the following scenario plays out: I put on my workout clothes,
drive across town to my gym, realize I don’t have it in me that day, then head
home without exercising. But I declare success because I focused on the
system, and that gives me a dopamine hit for successfully maintaining a useful
habit.
Usual Frame: Your mood is determined by your internal thoughts.
Reframe: You can improve your mood by completing meaningful tasks.

MANAGING VERSUS REACTING

By managing, I mean managing any part of your life, from fitness to income to
employees if you have them. It can be an illusion that you are managing things
when you are making decisions (even smart ones!) in any situation in which
you have no way to measure what is working and what is not. That isn’t
managing. That’s guessing plus wishful thinking.
Usual Frame: Whatever managers do is managing.
Reframe: If you are not measuring, you are not managing.
In the workplace, you might be measuring profits or expenses to see how
they change based on your decisions. Businesses measure everything they can
measure because that gives them the most leverage over their situations. You
should do the same in your personal life.
Are you trying to maintain or lose weight? Weigh yourself every day at the
same time. (Ignore the “experts” who tell you otherwise. If you aren’t
measuring, you are not managing anything.)
Are you trying to get more fit? Count the number of times you make it to the
gym each week.
Are you trying to meet more people? How many times did you “put yourself
out there” this week?
If you can measure it, you have a chance of managing it. To be fair, you also
must make lots of decisions without the benefit of measurement. That’s okay
so long as you are measuring the big stuff.

ART
One of the gripes I most often hear from my critics is that the Dilbert comic is
“not funny.” I don’t know how they explain the tens of millions of loyal
readers who have purchased my books and calendars and laughed out loud
when they read them. My explanation is that art is subjective. The only
objective measure of art is commercial appeal. If people want to pay for it,
that’s good art. Everything else is just opinion.
I’m not a fan of opera, but I observe that people buy tickets to experience it,
so obviously the opera-makers are doing something right. I don’t judge opera
beyond observing that some people like it. And that’s what I recommend for
you. Stop judging art as good or bad. Simply observe whether people like it
and let that be your guide to its quality.
 Usual Frame: Some art is good, and some is bad.
Reframe: If there is a market for the art, it is good art.

HOW TO SPOT A WINNER

If you create a new product or perhaps some type of art, you might want to ask
others for their opinion to see how much potential it has. If the people you ask
have glowing praise for your creation, that might make you feel good. But in
my experience, friends and family are liars—they care more about supporting
you than making accurate predictions.
The most reliable way to spot a future winner is when people volunteer to
extend or modify your product on their own. For example, if you wrote a
clever blog post for your industry but someone in another industry copied and
modified it for their own use, you probably have commercial-grade writing
skills. That’s how I learned I could be a writer and cartoonist for a living. Long
before I monetized those skills, my coworkers were taking my corporate slide
decks with my earliest comics and faxing them around the company. (Yes, it
was pre-email.) And when Dilbert came out as a comic strip, people were
cutting them out of newspapers and organizing them by topic into their own
binder-books. That’s how I knew Dilbert would be big, long before it was:
People proved it by their actions, not their words. Something about that little
comic made people move. Here’s the reframe.
Usual Frame: Praise for your creation predicts you have a hit.
Reframe: Only action predicts a hit, not words. Watch for people to extend
or modify your creation.

The Bad Version

Another strong indicator of future success is a product that is terrible yet
popular as soon as it is released. Mobile phones, the Internet, and fax machines
all followed that path. Each one was a user nightmare in its early form, yet
people craved those experiences so much that the early versions’ low quality
did not predict where they would end up.
 In the artistic world, the first season of The Simpsons had low production
values. Yet its popularity allowed it to evolve into one of the most well-
constructed shows of all time. The first episodes of Seinfeld were similarly
awful, but something about the show brought people back, which gave the
creators time to develop a TV masterpiece.
To spot a future winning product, look for the bad version to be almost
irrationally popular—and for consumers to be extending or modifying the
product for new uses.
People often ask me to predict the future of Bitcoin. I don’t make financial
recommendations, but I do own a small amount of Bitcoin because although
the user interface is a masochist’s delight, a global fan base has rallied around
Bitcoin. And every day, people are finding new ways to use it. Perhaps Bitcoin
already had its big run, but that big run was predicted early on. You would
have made money betting on my two rules for spotting a winner.

WRITER’S BLOCK

My job these days involves writing at least one commercial-grade comic strip
per day, writing several pages for a book per day, and creating a live one-
person show on the Internet every day. Sometimes I film a micro lesson on
some topic of interest for my Locals subscribers. That’s a lot of creating. I can
do all of that because I don’t have the thing you might call writer’s block. But
to be clear, I didn’t overcome writer’s block; I reframed it out of my existence.
My reframes for writers will not turn an uncreative person into a creative one,
but I can unleash whatever creative potential you have with a few reframes
that have benefited my career. Here’s the first one.
Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything to write.
Reframe 1: I’m in the wrong environment for writing.
If I were sitting on my couch trying to write this chapter, I would be
shooting blanks. My cute dog would be pestering me, my refrigerator would be
whistling my name, and I can usually depend on some major electrical,
plumbing, or other disaster to pop up when I am within the same zip code as
my house. If I were less experienced as a writer, I would be cursing my
writer’s block.
But it wouldn’t be writer’s block at all. It would be a case of the wrong
setting. I am now writing as quickly as I can type while sitting in the snack bar
of my health club. I am surrounded by noisy toddlers, chatty diners, a TV, and
every manner of gym noise and distraction, also known as “perfect for
writing.” Weird, right? Seems the opposite of common sense, but science and
experience confirm that the best environments for writing are where you can
actively ignore the people around you. Later today I will go to Starbucks
because it is busy and noisy. I will choose the busiest and noisiest Starbucks
location from a choice of four near my home. The writing will come easily,
even with decaf.
I once wrote an entire book in a restaurant booth during the busy meal
periods. (I owned the restaurant so they couldn’t kick me out.) Not only was it
easy to write the book, but it was also enjoyable. The environment was so
perfect for writing, work became play.
I can’t guarantee that writing in public places will be better for everyone, but
I strongly recommend experimenting to see if it works for you. If not, keep
searching until you find a physical environment that does work for you.
In a similar vein, you also need to find the time of day when your brain is
naturally creative. For me, that time is 4:00-10:00 AM, which is not unusual
for writers. We tend to write best after midnight and before noon. Earlier in the
book, I discussed the reframe of managing your energy, not your time. Writing
is the best use of that reframe. If you are trying to write when your energy is
not matched to the task, you’re begging for writer’s block. Here’s a reframe
that calls it out.
Usual Frame: I have writer’s block.
Reframe 2: I’m trying to write at the wrong time of day.

Writing Something Bad

Let’s say you found a good place to write, and it’s the right time of day for
your creative juices to flow. If you can’t think of anything good to write, never
leave the page blank. The better alternative is to create something bad and see
if you can fix it. And if you can’t fix it, maybe another idea will hit you while
you try because life rewards action. The only bad writing is no writing at all.
Everything else is either good or under-edited. And editing is easier than
writing, so putting something on a page moves you to an easier phase of work.
That’s why you do it.
Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything good to write.
Reframe 3: I can write something bad and fix it.
I am modeling that technique as I write this paragraph. Below the sentence I
am writing are three bullet points you won’t see by the time this book is
published. Each bullet point makes a point that I think is likely to have a place
in this chapter. The next step will be to delete the weakest points, put them in
order, and write the top one as a full sentence. Next, I apply these filters to my
new sentence:

Is It a Direct Sentence?
It is better to say the boy hit the ball than the ball was hit by the boy. Brains
process direct sentences faster. Tell me who is doing the thing before telling
me the thing.

Too Many Adjectives?

Don’t say it was very hot. Say it was hot. Neither sentence is specific, but one
uses too many words. Brains like fewer words.

Nuke the Adverbs

There might never be a right time to use an adverb.

Write at a Sixth-Grade Level

For most kinds of writing—from humor to business—the best sentence is the
simplest one that gets the message across. If you use words that a twelve-year-
old would understand, you will sound like the smartest person in the
conversation. As a bonus, your ideas will stand out more since they’re not
buried in word debris. Simple sentences are better in every way. They are more
persuasive, easier to remember, and easier for others to consume. Don’t fall
into the trap of mistaking long sentences and brainy jargon for genius-level
insight. Save that nonsense for dating a librarian.
Here is the sentence stub I mentioned earlier that expanded to the paragraph
above:
Bullet point: Simpler is better for writing.

How to Get Those Bullet Points

If you have no ideas worthy of becoming bullet points and want to generate
some, I don’t recommend sitting in front of a blank page. That’s a form of
torture. Most of my writing happens when I am taking a walk, folding laundry,
getting in the shower, or enjoying the luxury of my Man Cave (my garage).
These are all part of the writing process, and science backs me on this. It isn’t
a coincidence that your best ideas pop into your head when you are doing
something mindless and pleasant.

Funny Words
If you are trying to make your writing style interesting or humorous, add a
funny word substitution. All you do is look at your completed sentence and ask
yourself what word substitution would sound funnier.
 For example, if your sentence said you took a quick detour to avoid trouble,
you might instead say you “scampered away” or “took a hasty detour” to add
some energy to the sentence. Look at every word in your sentence and ask
yourself what word means the same as what you have on the page but sounds
funny or adds flavor or energy. Words that have embedded intentions are often
the funniest. That’s why the word yank is funnier than the word pull. Yank
implies some anger or frustration. Pull is just a functional word. Language is
full of lively, attitude-driven words you can use instead of dead words. Here
are a few examples:
Did you leave the room, or did you flee?
Did you eat french fries or did you inhale them?
Did the customer act unusual or squirrely?
For humor writing, you can saturate your sentences with interesting words.
For business or professional writing, you might want to use one interesting
word in an entire document. It will be noticed. In a good way. For example, in
the section above that talks about writing like a sixth grader, I used the word
“debris” as my interesting word. One interesting word is all that section
needed because I was gunning for comprehension over humor.
Pssst: Gunning was my interesting word in that last paragraph. Did
you notice it?
Find the interesting word in this comic.

Use your Body as a Sensor

Good writing makes the reader feel something. This is especially true for
humor. That’s why I use my body as a sensor to know when I wrote something
funny or emotionally persuasive. When I use my intellect to guide my writing,
I write like a soulless professor. But when I let my entire body experience the
words as I juggle them in my mind, I can use my physical response to pick the
ones with the best kick.
For example, I often write a joke that my intellect tells me hits all the notes
to be a proper joke, but my body has no reaction. I don’t laugh, twitch, snort,
or react in any way. I delete that joke. Other times I write something that
makes no logical sense, but it makes me giggle no matter how many times I
reread it. That’s a keeper. My body is a better sensor than my brain when I’m
writing for emotional impact. If you don’t feel it, you are not done.

Strangle Your Babies

It’s easy to fall in love with your own sentences. They are like your babies. But
if you are not willing to strangle a boatload of your own babies to create a
paragraph, you are not yet a writer. The first fifty-thousand babies you strangle
will be hard on your brain. But you get used to it. Be aware of this obstacle to
good writing and remind yourself to be brutal to your babies. Sometimes you
work on a sentence for an hour and delete it. That’s writing. You’re doing it
correctly.

Writing as a System
If you see writing as a process of conjuring up beautiful sentences out of thin
air and writing them down, you are likely to experience a lot of so-called
writer’s block. But if you use the method I described, you will be getting
something on the page right away and improving it from there. When I say I
reframed writer’s block out of my life, I mean I can always write a bad
sentence. And once written, that bad sentence moves me into editing mode,
which is already progress. As I fix my most recent sentence, I am likely to
have thoughts about related points. I immediately stop and capture those
related thoughts in bullet points at the bottom of my working page. Maybe I
use those thoughts later, maybe not. But writing them down gets them out of
my head so I can get back to my sentence.
And that’s how you beat writer’s block—you reframe it out of existence.

REFRAMES IN BUSINESS (THE BAD KIND)

I can’t talk about reframes for success without addressing the way people in
the business world abuse language in the pursuit of sounding smart, disguising
bad intentions, and covering up their mistakes—that sort of thing.
Sometimes the renaming happens in the context of brand management or
marketing in general. Other times it happens in the context of bureaucratic
weaselness. Everyone wants their job title to sound impressive. And everyone
wants their project name to give off a vibe that anyone associated with such a
thing should be promoted.
But none of that is the type of reframing I discuss in this book. When you
use a reframe on yourself, you are both the therapist and the willing patient.
That is an ethical situation. When a company renames a product or service,
that can be more like a con artist preying on an unwilling mark. You didn’t
agree to be influenced by their wordplay persuasion, but they might impose it
on you anyway. That isn’t illegal, of course, but you can make up your own
mind about the ethics of it. I would say it depends on the specifics. I don’t
mind when a company with a good product goes out of its way to make me
like it. But if the renaming and reframing is intended to deceive, that’s another
matter.
You will not be surprised to learn that when companies attempt to deceive
by renaming and reframing, it is ideal material for Dilbert comics.
OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 3

Mental Health Reframes

A s I often say, you don’t want to get medical or financial advice from
cartoonists. With that in mind, and with uncharacteristic humility, I
present reframes in the mental health domain that people tell me have worked
for them, some that work for me, and some that have potential. It isn’t science.
But it also isn’t dangerous. Let’s jump in.

KNOWING WHO YOU ARE

I often hear people say they are trying to figure out “who they are,” whatever
that means. If it helps, I can think of at least four potential ways to describe
who you are.
Are you . . .

1. Your inner thoughts?

2. Your preferences?
3. Your history?
4. Your current actions?

I suspect most people think of themselves as being inseparable from their

secret thoughts. If you privately harbor negative or positive feelings about
something in the world, you think that’s who you are. And that’s unfortunate
because your secret inner thoughts are probably mostly terrible. Why would
you want to be terrible? You have options. This reframe reveals them.
Usual Frame: I am my inner thoughts.
Reframe: I am what I do.
Sometimes you hear people talk about finding themselves, staying true to
themselves, and otherwise finding some magic core “self” that needs to be
respected and protected. You don’t have a core self. You are what you make of
this life, meaning the sum of your actions. Another way to reframe this way of
thinking goes like this.
Usual Frame: Find yourself.
Reframe: Author yourself.
You are a blank canvas. You get to paint your life by changing your actions.
If you want to become a kind person, do kind acts. If you want to be capable
and successful, build a talent stack, and so on. If you see yourself as the ball
that is batted around by life, that’s how things will play out. But if you take
authorship and design systems for improving yourself in key areas, you can
carve your name on reality in ways you probably never imagined possible.

Judging People
You might think that privately judging people doesn’t hurt anyone. We humans
judge reflexively; it’s simply something that happens in our heads. Maybe you
even share your judginess with a friend. No big deal, right?
Well, there is a downside. The frame you use to judge others is likely to be
the frame in which you come to see yourself, and worse, the way you imagine
others see you. That can rot you from the inside. Ask any teenager. They live
and die based on what they imagine others are thinking of them.
The best way to talk yourself out of feeling judged by others is to stop
judging others. Lose that frame. When you judge others on a subjective scale
of goodness and badness, you are buying into your own destruction. The more
you think of others as good and bad, the more you will suspect people are
judging you because that will become your go-to frame. Once it becomes how
you think of others, you will become obsessed with how they are judging you.
It’s unavoidable. And toxic.
To be clear, others ARE judging you. You are not imagining it. What I am
suggesting is that their judgment about you isn’t important (even to them) and
won’t affect you if you never buy into their frame in the first place.
You’re probably good at some things. The person judging you is probably
good at some things, too. If you take it further, you are inviting unnecessary
pain into your life.
Usual Frame: Some people are good, and some are not.
Reframe: We’re all flawed, and we’re all good at different things.
A healthy habit for staying out of the judging mindset involves gratitude.
Appreciate the skills and qualities of the people you find the most annoying.
There’s a person in my extended social world that I dislike and for good
reason. But I must admit he’s excellent at his job.
Every time you judge someone harshly, you buy into the idea that judging is
a thing worth doing. It isn’t. Stop judging others so much and watch how much
less you worry about being judged.

The Danger of Art

People who view art as entertainment often make the tragic mistake of
accidentally injecting themselves with sadness medicine. And by that, I mean
they consume anxiety-inducing movies, books, and music about loss and
tragedy to make themselves feel good. That makes perfect sense to anyone
who sees art as entertainment. What do you do when you feel blue? One good
idea is to find some entertainment. How about rewatching the movie
Schindler’s List? That’s entertainment, isn’t it?
No, it isn’t. It’s more like a drug that gives you PTSD for the rest of your
life. If the message of it keeps the world safer, I’m in favor of it. I just wish it
had a proper warning label. I think Spielberg should have paid me to be a test
animal for his mind-altering product. Here’s the reframe of this.
Usual Frame: Art is entertainment.
Reframe: Art is a powerful, mind-altering drug.
I recommend removing from your life all art that makes you sad or anxious,
even if it redeems itself with some sort of happy ending. Find art that moves
you without the bad parts. There is plenty of it.

Handling Criticism
As a public figure who is reckless enough to use social media, I am viciously
criticized many times a day. A few times per year, I wake to see my name
trending on X. That is rarely a good thing. It usually means the trolls have
already begun their assault on my timeline. And yet I generally have a good
day. Do you think you could handle a daily hellscape of insults about your
work, your character, your mind, and your appearance? After reading this
chapter, it will be a lot easier. I’ll start with my favorite reframe for critics.
Usual Frame: Your critics are evil monsters.
Reframe: Your critics are your mascots.
Years ago, when I co-owned a local restaurant, one of the employees decided
to do a one-person picket line in front of our entrance every day during peak
meal periods. I forget what his complaint was, but no one else on the staff
seemed to have a problem except for their complaints about the picketer, as
they believed he was driving away their future tips. Tensions were high
between the staff and my co-owner, Stacey. At first, I advised them to wait it
out, assuming the disgruntled worker would get tired of it after a few days. But
he was feisty. He leaned into it, day after day.
One day I stopped in and watched the show. It was comical because we
didn’t regard his complaint as valid (whatever it was), and he was all alone
putting on a show. So I decided to reframe him. I turned to Stacey and told her
I liked her new mascot. She laughed. I laughed. She shared it with the servers
and kitchen staff. They laughed.
And just like that, our biggest critic became our mascot. We weren’t
mocking him so much as reframing our experience. We could let him bother
us. or we could let him be our mascot, which we all agreed was sort of
hilarious. It was an easy choice. A few days later, he gave up.
I’ve had success reframing several of my most energetic critics and trolls as
my mascots. I have no idea what impact that has on the critics or if they even
know it happened. All I know is that the moment I mentally reframe a critic as
a mascot, I feel better. Sometimes I even feel great.

Reframing How Criticism Feels

A good way to take energy out of any criticism that is using your self-esteem
as a speed bag is by imagining the situation in its most basic scientific form.
Particles and chemistry. Physics. Things bumping into other things. Most of
that interaction is happening outside your zone of giving-a-darn. The random
electric signals in the brain of another person need not be your concern.
Usual Frame: Criticism feels like a dagger to your heart.
Reframe: Criticism is a chemical reaction in the skull of someone who isn’t
in the room.
Criticism stings. No one is immune. But reframing criticism as tiny changes
in the wet and foldy brain of some walking-and-talking clump of carbon
doesn’t feel so much like it is your problem.

The Go Eat Fudge Philosophy

This is the family-friendly version of a philosophy I heard as a young man.
You can substitute naughtier words for “Go eat fudge,” and it will work just as
well if not better. This reframe is NOT meant to be spoken aloud.
Notice how the reframe feels.
Usual Frame: You should do what I think you should do.
Reframe: Go eat fudge. (Spoken only in your mind.)
I learned this reframe in my freshman year of college, and it has served me
well. Every time someone tried to control me with their opinion of what I
should or should not be doing with my life, I dismissed them with one mental
thought: Go eat fudge. (I might have substituted spicier words.)
This might be the best example of how reframes can be useful while also
being nonsense. The three-word mental dismissal doesn’t seem as if it would
be helpful, but I can report that it was. Not only for me, but for several of my
college friends who tried it.
The essence of the reframe is that other people are not the authors of your
experience. Sometimes you need to work with people you don’t like, and in
that case, you will have to fake it as best you can. But for everyone else, they
can go eat fudge. Not your problem.
Movie Reframe
Here’s a reframe I heard the other day. I tried it, and it worked right away.
Usual Frame: Everyone is thinking about me.
Reframe: You are only a bit player in their movie.
Outside of your immediate friends and loved ones, how much do you think
about the imperfections of other people? Probably not much. You notice them
sometimes, but they do not stick in your mind. It’s the same way they think of
you—most of the time, they don’t care.
Our egos cause us to think everything we do is important. It isn’t. And that
means your friends and loved ones will understand when you mess up. The
rest of the world will never care one way or another.
The next time you feel like you’re being watched, or people are just waiting
for you to make a mistake, remember how rarely people care about anyone but
themselves. It’s weirdly comforting.

Social Media
When I was a young man, life would sometimes be stressful, but at least I
could relax between the stressful situations and recharge. Today when I am
between stressful situations, I take out my phone and browse social media—
which makes me angrier and more anxious. Maybe later I turn on a movie and
watch dozens of people getting slain for my entertainment. This is not
relaxing.
I use social media because it is an essential element of my job. That might
be the case for you, too. But for most people, social media is an addiction.
They come for the dopamine hits, and if that has some long-term detrimental
impact, it isn’t obvious enough or big enough to stop the addiction. The
immediate concern is getting the next hit of dopamine. Addicts learn to think
short term.
If I tell you something is a form of entertainment, you will have a natural
attraction to it because we like to be entertained. But if I label that same
situation as addiction, no one wants an addiction. And that helps you break the
habit.
Usual Frame: Social media is a form of entertainment.
Reframe: Social media is an addiction.
You’re not entertained; you’re addicted. Once you accept that frame, you
have a chance of breaking free. I should note that social media “addiction” is
not equivalent to drug, alcohol, or cigarette addiction. Substance addictions
will not budge with reframes because addiction is outside mental control.
Breaking a bad habit is easier. Social media is more like a bad habit than an
addiction, but reframing it as an addiction is the stronger play for
reprogramming your brain. You don’t care so much about breaking a bad habit
as breaking an addiction. Addiction just feels worse. Use that to your
advantage.

Internet Insults
Every day on social media, trolls and critics attack me over my appearance,
age, intelligence, personal life, character, and talent. I’ve become an accidental
expert on how to reframe deep insults into my own entertainment, and I
recently came upon a reframe that helps a lot.
Usual Frame: An insult is damaging to my mental health.
Reframe: An insult is a confession that your accuser can’t refute your
opinion and/or has personal problems of some sort.
This reframe won’t fit every situation, but people who enjoy good mental
health are not spending much time insulting people on social media or
anywhere else. Likewise, when people have a strong argument, they stick with
facts. You only get triggered to insult someone when your argument has been
dismantled and you feel the need to act out.
On X, I use the reframe this way:
Critic: “Of course you have that opinion, Dilweed, it’s because you are
uninformed and stupid.”
Me: “I appreciate your confession.”
 Then I excuse myself from the conversation without explaining what I mean
by “confession.” Sometimes I mean my critic has lost the debate because they
resorted to personal attacks. In that case, I claim victory and scamper away to
happiness. Other times, the personal attacks are not associated with an
argument. In those cases, I mean the “confession” to be about the person’s
poor mental health. I’m no mental health expert, but insulting strangers is
rarely a sign of good mental health.
When a critic (a jerk) enters “fight mode” by hurling a personal insult at you
on social media, they expect an insult in return or perhaps a blocked account.
What they don’t expect is a puzzle. What the heck does it mean when someone
says they appreciate a confession you never offered? It instantly changes the
tone of the exchange and puts you in charge because you know what you
mean, and your critic wants to know because it is about them.
Don’t tell them. Walk away. That’s how you win.
I’m also testing another reframe I borrowed from a Twitter follower that
goes like this.
Usual Frame: An insult hurts because it means someone dislikes or
disrespects you.
Reframe: A stranger’s opinion of you—even if it gets published in The New
York Times—is little more than their personal diary entry.
No one cares what you write in your diary. That’s between you and yourself.
If you choose to make your opinion public, that doesn’t suddenly make it
matter. Think of all the dark thoughts you keep to yourself. Do they matter to
anyone else? Nope. Saying a dark opinion in public doesn’t suddenly make it
matter. It’s still just a diary entry in a different form—boring and unimportant.
For completeness, I must explain why you might see me engaging my critics
more than my reframes suggest would be wise. I direct energy to a critic when
they make a defamatory and untrue claim of fact that would live forever as
truth on the Internet unless I deal with it. In those cases, I want any future
sleuths to know the false claim is disputed and why. So I create an
“interesting” body of semi-abusive content to draw attention away from the
false claim and toward my often-funny debunking of it.
 For example, a prominent attorney on X accused me of being wrong on my
pandemic commentary because I tend to “trust institutional data.” I saw a need
to remind his followers that I’m the creator of the Dilbert comic and have been
mocking institutional data for more than three decades. Sometimes I think no
one on the planet distrusts institutional data more than I do. A recurring theme
of my daily livestreams involves reminding people to distrust data from any
source and why. The attorney’s post got a lot of attention and amplified
existing misconceptions about me that were, in my opinion, an obstacle to my
good intention of being a useful public voice. So I sprayed some insults in his
direction on X along with some debunking to make sure as many people saw
the correction as saw the initial claims. Fake news can get twenty times the
attention of a correction, so I try to solve for that problem by creating more of
a spectacle and sometimes being more of a jerk than observers feel is
appropriate.
Don’t be like me! My situation is unlikely to be relevant to people who are
not public figures. I only mention it because my actions will seem inconsistent
if you don’t have that context.

Germaphobe Reframe
I was a bit of a germaphobe until I learned that exposure to germs, bacteria,
and the ordinary “ickiness” of living makes your immune system stronger. The
worst thing you could do is avoid all of that until one day something gets you.
Now I think germs make me stronger. Because they do. But it isn’t the truth
of the claim that makes the reframe work for me. The power comes from the
programming that is embedded in the words.
Usual Frame: Germs will harm me.
Reframe: Germs make me stronger.
This isn’t the sort of reframe that is likely to work instantly. It might have an
immediate impact for a few readers—maybe you—because people are so
different, but that would be unusual. For most, it will take time and repetition.
Start by doing all the same cleaning and precautions you would always do, but
over time you might find yourself getting a bit more flexible about the vigor
you put into avoiding germs. You’re not in any rush. Just repeat the reframe
whenever you feel yourself worrying about germs. Give this one a few months
before you know for sure if it’s working or not.
It might seem crazy that a person can reframe a bad feeling into a good one
using nothing but the power of words. But it’s more common than you’d think.
The next reframe is my best example of that.

Coldness
Recently, I watched a friend assembling a fire pit in near-freezing weather
conditions during a party at his mom’s home. Everyone who saw him toiling
away in the backyard asked if they could get a jacket for him. He waved them
off, completely comfortable in his short sleeve shirt. I was wearing full
Antarctica protective gear as I chatted with him to ask how he was able to
handle the cold.
He told me he once had a psychedelic experience in which he realized the
sensation of cold was nothing but a signal from his body to his brain, and
unless there was a risk of frostbite, it was nothing to fear. Now he simply
disconnects the signal whenever he wants, and the cold registers as a sensation,
but it is not alarming or uncomfortable.
I didn’t believe him, of course. It sounded like a prank.
Time passed, but I couldn’t stop thinking about his story. One day, a friend
invited me to join him to try cryotherapy—the sub-zero chambers you stand in
for a short time to summon a variety of alleged health benefits. I declined
because I don’t handle the cold well. A few weeks later, another friend
messaged me to say he started a cryotherapy business, and he invited me to try
it. I declined because, well, you know.
I’m sold on the potential health benefits of cryotherapy. Everyone I know
who has tried it raves about it. But as I said, it isn’t for me. I prefer cool
temperatures to hot, but I can’t handle that kind of cold.
Time passed, and one day I was taking my garbage receptacles to the curb,
four of them in total, counting green waste and recycling. The entire task takes
maybe five minutes, and I was debating getting a jacket versus toughing it out
for five minutes in my t-shirt and jeans while temperatures were in the high
forties. It wasn’t going to hurt me, but history suggests that after two minutes I
would be shaking like a chihuahua in a gunfight.
Suddenly, a thought popped into my head that connected the stories in this
chapter. If cryotherapy is good for your health, wouldn’t exposure to ordinary
cold weather give you some portion of benefit? For my story, it doesn’t matter
if that makes sense because you know a reframe is coming and reframes don’t
care about facts or logic.
As I opened the garage door for my five-minute suffering in the cold, I
wondered what would happen if I reframed my sensation of cold as a signal of
getting healthier and stronger instead of as a signal to flee. And so I did. I told
myself the blast of cold air would be good for me, like a poor man’s
cryotherapy. It would make me stronger. The colder, the better!
I walked outside. It was cold. I think. But I didn’t feel cold. I . . . felt . . .
stronger.
What???
I would never suggest this reframe will work for you. It’s too weird even for
me, and I’m literally a hypnotist. This is right in the middle of my strike zone,
and still my mind was blown.
It was the last time I experienced feeling cold.
Okay, okay, some context. I live in Northern California, so my definition of
“cold weather” won’t necessarily match yours. I know that because I grew up
in upstate New York. You adjust to your environment.
I won’t suggest this reframe will work below 45 degrees Fahrenheit, or
somewhere in that range. But if you have a normal life, you will find yourself
in these too-cold-for-comfort situations all the time. Next time it happens to
you, consider this reframe.
Usual Frame: Coldness is pain and a signal I am in danger.
Reframe: Coldness makes me healthier and stronger.
If this reframe works for you, it might change your life in an unexpected
way. You always knew reality had a subjective component, but it is hard to
grasp how deep that subjectivity goes. If you learn to turn coldness into a
positive experience with one reframe, you will—perhaps for the first time—
understand your power to author your entire life.

Tragedy and Recovery

When someone close to you dies, it is normal to feel a great sense of loss. But
once you think you have suffered enough, and you want to feel better, a few
reframes will help.
The first reframe involves asking yourself if you are feeling bad about the
deceased or yourself. It probably isn’t entirely clear in your mind.
Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy, and I need to feel bad about it.
Reframe: The deceased has no more problems. How did I make this about
me?
Easier said than done, of course. I don’t suggest this works as well when a
child passes as it does when your grandfather finds his way to the beyond. It’s
easier to get over the so-called natural kind of passing compared to anything
unexpected. But the reframe helps in both cases.
Don’t fight with the logic of the reframes should you decide to try them. Let
the words do what words do—influence you whether you like it or not. Every
non-trivial word carries a little program with it.
Here’s another reframe I have found useful, having experienced more than
my fair share of family and pet deaths. The reframe involves accepting that
which can’t change (death) while finding value in your final service to the
deceased. Here’s how I play it.
Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy.
Reframe: It is an honor to help another pass.
The United States military uses this reframe. When a soldier dies, we are all
trained to honor the passing in the most respectful way we can. There is a
ceremony and a set of rules that serve to siphon off some of the pain and
repackage it as service to the deceased.
When you experience the death of a loved one, your instincts push you into
feeling tragedy, loss, and pain. Once you have had enough of that, and when
you are ready, start tossing these five words around in your mind to release
some of the pain: Gratitude. Respect. Honor. Privilege. Service.
There might not be a greater honor than helping someone pass to their next
state of being.

Death and Afterlife

Depending on your religion, you might find comfort in imagining your
deceased friend or loved one enjoying the infinite comfort of eternal life in
some other dimension. If that doesn’t fit your worldview, I have a reframe that
might help. Unfortunately, I have had plenty of opportunities to test this one,
and it helps me a lot.
Usual Frame (for some people): Death is the end of this person.
Reframe: Energy can change form, but it never disappears.
You are not the person who was born to your parents with your name and
identity. Your body has changed over time, your personality has changed, and
most of the cells in your body have died and been replaced. Yet there is still a
coherent “you” that we all recognize. Additionally, you are a social being,
meaning part of “you” includes your impact on others, especially family and
close friends. One way to view the “you” that is smeared across time and has
entirely new body parts is that you are a continuation of some original energy
that was in part guided by your DNA. The chain of cause-and-effect that
started with your parents and led to the creation of baby-you continues through
life but also extends beyond it in a physical sense as well as conceptually.
For example, my deceased mother, Virginia Adams, is the creator of not
only three children but also some of the strongest material I have included in
my books. She is deceased, yet she is permanent. The impact of her life
continues to reverberate.
If you are generously thinking my mom got lucky by creating an author who
could amplify her essence after she was gone, that’s true, but her impact on me
is no more than my deceased step-son’s impact. I see him in every young man.
And one of my greatest joys now is learning to play drums, which is an
extension of his interest in playing. He’s always with me when I am
drumming, if you know what I mean.
People don’t disappear when they die. They become part of the forever.
Energy can change form, but it never disappears. If you do things right, your
specific energy will have a pay-forward quality to it, and that is something you
can feel good about today.

Who Controls Your Feelings

Most of us grow up believing our feelings are the product of whatever is
happening to us. It sure seems that way. When you can control your schedule,
where you go, and who you are with, you generally feel happy. When you have
no control over those environmental variables, you are less likely to feel
happy. Therefore, logically, your environment and your situation are
controlling how you feel. By that view, you are nothing but a victim of a
random and often cruel universe. That’s no way to go through life. I
recommend flipping that worldview using this admittedly weird reframe.
Usual Frame: My feelings are the result of my situation.
Reframe: How I feel is my choice.
The first time I heard this reframe, it hit me as both ridiculous and powerful.
I’ve since used it often to clear my mind of junk feelings. I simply told myself
I could choose not to be bothered . . . and it worked. Or at least it took off the
edge.
I would love to tell you the logical reason this reframe works, but I don’t
think there is one. Maybe it works because the sensation of taking control is
generally good for most people. Maybe it works because it gives you
permission to feel good. Perhaps it works by triggering you into cognitive
dissonance. Or maybe it just yanks you out of a mental prison you put yourself
in and returns you to the present. I don’t know. All I know is that it has given
me comfort. Maybe it can work for you, too.
Don’t be surprised if a reframe works one day and then never again, or that a
reframe that didn’t work for you before starts feeling profound. Try several
reframes on the same topic and see what works that day. Reframes are quick
and cheap, and you know immediately if they will have an impact; you can
feel it. If you don’t feel it, try another.

Hate and Anger

I recently saw a wise man on Instagram explain that hate makes no sense
because you are punishing yourself for the misdeeds of someone else.
Whoa! Profound.
Or is it? It sounds so clever when you first hear it that you think the universe
tapped you on the shoulder and whispered in your ear a truth that only you are
ready to receive. And you can almost feel it work! The moment you realize
you can imagine hate as the absurd act of punishing yourself for the
misbehavior of someone else, you can easily release the hate.
That’s some powerful wisdom, right?
Not exactly. It’s more like a terrific reframe. And by that, I mean it isn’t
logical, but it still works like a charm because it feels true. It isn’t literally true
that feeling hate means you are punishing yourself for the misdeeds of another
because there is no intention on your part to do that. It just ends up in the same
place but for a different reason. That’s what makes the “magic trick” of the
reframe seem true. And that’s good enough to get the benefits out of it.
Usual Frame: I hate someone who deserves it.
Reframe: Hate is nothing but punishing myself for the misdeeds of others.
I realize I have accidentally made you think past the sale about hate and
anger. I didn’t mean to imply you need to lose either of those things.
Personally, I have found both to be empowering at different times. If a bully
confronts you, some hate and anger might be exactly the fuel you need to
balance out the situation.
On most days, I’m 5’8” and 157 pounds of wise-cracking sex appeal. If a
bully encountered me, he’d be tempted to give me the wedgie I appear to
deserve. However, if that bully triggered me into a different state of mind—
let’s say intense anger—I have an angry facial expression that can clear a city
block. I have no idea how physically dangerous I am because no one has ever
stuck around to find out.
 My point is that both hate and anger can be superpowers if you learn how to
harness their energy. I don’t recommend inviting hate and anger into your life,
but in the normal course of being interesting and awesome, you are likely to
attract some of it. I’m suggesting you don’t always want to reframe it away.
Sometimes you want to use it. You can use that anger to end a relationship that
needs ending, to stand up to someone who frightened you before, to embrace a
deep challenge, or to accomplish anything else that requires your maximum
effort. I like to convert my negative energy into muscles. I can run farther and
lift heavier in an angry mood than a good one. And once that energy is turned
into muscle, I can go home relaxed.
Usual Frame: Hate and anger are toxic feelings you hope will wear off.
Reframe: Hate and anger are a superpower level of energy you can use for
gain.

Enduring Bad Things

If you have a problem you know how to fix, go ahead and do that. But life is
full of suboptimal situations you can’t exactly “fix” for one reason or another.
Or at least not quickly. You can make yourself crazy wishing things were
different or replaying events in your mind as if they will change next time.
That’s living half in the real world and half in a dark fantasy world of what-ifs,
regret, and self-flagellation. Here’s a reframe that wants to help, but it’s so
crazy it couldn’t possibly work.
Could it?
Usual Frame: Why can’t my problems go away?
Reframe: Everything has a right to exist, including this problem.
I first saw this reframe on Instagram from the Adyashanti (Official) account.
The bio says Adyashanti is a spiritual teacher. My first impression was that it
sounded like new-age nonsense. My second impression was that it instantly
made me feel more at peace. That’s a strong reframe. But remember, we are all
a bit different, so the reframes that work best for you or me will not necessarily
be as powerful for anyone else. This one blew my socks off. I could feel its
power when I repeated it in my mind.
 I think this reframe works because it pulls you out of the imaginary world of
what-if and gives you a “fake because” to accept your problems. They have a
right to exist. It’s a “fake because” in the sense that it sounds like a reason but
isn’t. It’s complete nonsense. But it works for me.
Next time you have a problem that isn’t going away soon, just remind
yourself that the problem has as much right to exist as you do.
And don’t worry that it doesn’t make sense. Instead, ask yourself how it
feels when you do it. You might be surprised by this one.

Anxiety
One of the greatest keys to happiness and good health involves managing
stress and anxiety. It won’t matter to your happiness how many skills you
acquire over the course of your life if you don’t also learn to control how you
feel. Feeling stressed and anxious is a terrible experience. The good news is
there are several reframes that can help you, and quickly. I use all of these
reframes, to good effect, in my own life.

Your Ego
In the Success Reframes chapter, I told you that conquering embarrassment is
like a superpower for success. It also has a direct benefit to your mental health.
Let me tell you about an embarrassing experience that was so awful I still
cringe and perspire when I think about it.
Just kidding. I have no such experiences. I do recall feeling embarrassed at
various times in my youth, but from today’s perspective, all those stories are
humorous. The horrible “embarrassments” of adolescence either faded into
dust or transformed into my funniest stories. None lasted.
Eventually, the pattern was too obvious to ignore—embarrassments don’t
last. And that makes it easy for me to ignore the next potential embarrassment.
Worst case, it lasts a little while. Then I get distracted and think of something
else.
I can’t remember the last time I experienced embarrassment. But I wasn’t
born this way. It is learned behavior, and it took work. This reframe, which I
often repeat in my mind, helped me a lot.
Usual Frame: Your ego is “you,” and it must be protected.
Reframe: Your ego is your enemy.
The reframe tells you what to do: Kill your ego. And to do that, you need to
beat it to death with actual and potential embarrassments that have one
important quality: They don’t have a huge downside. Don’t be reckless about
it. Be strategic. Refer back to the Success Reframes chapter for a refresher on
becoming immune to embarrassment.
My career puts me in lots of public situations—interviews, speeches, posts,
podcasts, and more. All of these have the potential for massive embarrassment
—the kind that follows you forever. I suppose I’ve blundered into a healthy
number of those forever-shames over my career. I seem to rack up a new one
every few months. Sometimes they come out of nowhere in the form of hit
pieces from political partisans and culture terrorists in the media. When I see
them, I repost them. They’re attacking my ego, and I banished that useless
ghost from my life years ago. None of the hate feels as if it is about me. It’s
just noise.
The ego reframe works best when you reinforce it with real-life experiences
that keep your ego in check. I found the following strategies useful.

Develop a Skill
Get good at something. Anything. Even one skill is a safe space for your mind
in case you drift into the “I’m worthless” lane that haunts so many. If you
know you can become good at one thing—generally because you practiced it a
lot—then you know the differences in skills across humankind have a lot to do
with who practiced what. And who-practiced-what has nothing to do with your
worth.

Take Some Chances

I talked about conquering embarrassment in the Success Reframes chapter
because immunity to shaming is one of the most useful business and
professional skills you can acquire. If you are lucky enough to succeed at
anything meaningful, bad people will appear from nowhere and shame you for
the way you did it. That’s guaranteed. People who are immune to
embarrassment have more options in life, and those options are often the high
payoff kind. But hardening yourself against shame and embarrassment also has
an immediate benefit in maintaining your mental health. No one feels good
when they also feel shame. That’s why it makes sense to reframe it out of your
life.
As I mentioned earlier, a reliable way to become immune to embarrassment
is to intentionally put yourself in embarrassing situations. For example,
volunteer to give a speech, sing karaoke in front of coworkers, experiment
with your fashion and hairstyle, chat up an attractive stranger—that sort of
thing. Don’t try to avoid embarrassment. Invite it. You’ll get some good stories
out of it, and each mini-shame toughens you up for the next one. So take some
social risks. Flame out in front of witnesses. Repeat. You’ll be amazed how
quickly you can murder your ego by ignoring its screaming needs.
Usual Frame: Avoid embarrassment.
Reframe: Invite embarrassment and use it as a club to kill your ego.
If someone asked you to deliver a priceless work of art across the street, you
might balk at the suggestion. If you were to slip, trip, get robbed or assaulted,
that priceless art might get damaged. How comfortable would you be carrying
it? It makes sense to be on high alert to focus on protecting the valuable art.
That pressure creates a feeling of anxiety.
Now suppose I asked you to deliver an ordinary potato across the street. If
you drop it or damage it, no big deal. It was only a potato.
 Think of yourself as the potato and not the priceless art. Only your ego
makes you think you are worth protecting. And being worth protecting is what
makes you anxious. If you can abandon the notion that every speck of harm
that comes your way must be avoided at all costs, you can better relax.
Usual Frame: I am a priceless work of art that must be protected.
Reframe: I am a potato that is easily replaced.
Be the potato.

Worry Versus Curiosity

For many of us, worrying feels like a full-time job that sacrifices quality of life
now, no matter what happens later. And often there’s not much you can do
about how things turn out, assuming you have done all the obvious things one
should do in each situation. For example, you intend to study for a test in a
subject at which you normally excel. There’s no obvious reason anything
would go wrong, but we humans can get twisted up thinking about small risks
that loop in our minds for no good reason. A reframe might be just the thing
you need to break that loop.
This reframe is one I have used with great success. Like many of the
reframes in the book, it looks too easy to be true. I don’t mean to make any of
this sound like magic—because any one person’s success with a reframe is
hard to predict—but in the unlikely event your brain is wired like mine in this
specific respect, you might be surprised how well this reframe works.
Usual Frame: I worry something will go wrong.
Reframe: I’m curious what will happen.
If you succeed in switching your thoughts from your past to your imaginary
future, you run the risk of generating anxiety about how things might turn out
in your future. I advise you to only imagine positive outcomes, but being
human, you will have some worries about the future as well. Instead of
focusing on what could go wrong, accept that you live in a world where things
usually go wrong—at least a little bit—and instead try to treat the future as a
curiosity. What will happen if I do this versus that? You can quickly gamify
(turn into fun) the ambiguity of the future. Just keep telling yourself it will be
interesting, and you can’t wait to find out what will happen.
Can you really gamify something just by wanting to? Yes. It’s a thing. For
example, with the advent of streaming TV apps, I found myself angry and
frustrated every time I wanted to watch something. The chosen app would
need an update, or it wouldn’t work on the device I wanted to use, or it would
say I am already logged in, or my password wouldn’t work. After a few years
of that nightmare, I reframed watching TV as “hacking into my own account.”
I’m no longer a frustrated consumer with several streaming apps that have
poor user experiences. Now I’m a skilled hacker who will use every resource
at his disposal to break through the user interface of the sign-in process. My
dopamine hit comes from successfully opening an app and using it. I generally
find nothing worth watching and call it a night. But at least I got my hacker hit
of dopamine.
Aren’t you curious if the curiosity reframe will work for you?

What You Can Control

Humans are built for worry. If we didn’t worry about the future, we wouldn’t
work so hard today to make it better. You can’t turn off your natural impulse to
fret about the future. But you can reframe it to give yourself credit for “doing
everything you can do.” That’s comforting. Having worries is bad enough, but
if you compound the worries by worrying you are not doing enough to make
yourself safer, your subjective experience will be doubly bad. You might find
comfort in reframing your situation from double-bad to single-bad. And by
that I mean removing the concern that you are not “doing enough.” Here’s the
reframe.
Usual Frame: Worry about all potential bad outcomes.
Reframe: Control the heck out of things you can control. Accept all
outcomes.
I won’t be able to persuade you how much better you will feel if you “do
everything you can do” to solve a problem. You must experience it. Look for
situations in your life in which you can reasonably “do everything you can do”
to improve the situation. Notice how much better you feel no matter if things
go wrong or right from that point on.
The cleanest example of “doing all you can do” involves your physical
fitness. Let’s say you are worried about your ability to attract a mate, get a job,
or be healthy in general. If you get serious about your fitness and do
everything you can reasonably do to make it better, you’ll feel a lot better even
as you hit rough patches in your life. Fitness is a gift that keeps giving. It
touches all aspects of your life. And it is highly controllable. So control the
heck out of it and see how much better you feel. Same argument with diet.
Eating right and exercising are not easy. But they are 100 percent available to
all interested takers. Get control of your diet and exercise and watch how the
benefits start solving your other problems.

History Is Imaginary
Are you plagued by events from your past? Most of us are, to some degree.
The ugly memories that lurk in the dark corners of our minds tend to emerge
on their own schedule and inject anxiety into our lives. If that describes you, I
can help.
History does not exist in any material way. You can’t grab a handful of
history. You can’t eat it, punch it, kick it, or photograph it. If your past is
causing you anxiety, put the past in its place. It doesn’t exist. It never will. It
can’t touch you.
Usual Frame: History is important.
Reframe: History doesn’t exist.
I use this reframe often, and it works instantly for me. It doesn’t last, but it
can take you out of your negative loop right away. After all, how can I be
anxious about something that doesn’t exist?

The Virtual Reality Reframe

Try this one right now. Observe the objects in your immediate vicinity and
imagine them being some sort of computer-generated creation—like a video
game or an animated movie—that looks exactly like what you assume is
reality. The point of this reframe is to bring you into the present. And that’s all
you need. You are only trying to break the mental loop you’re in. Any
distraction will do, but this one you can do anywhere and anytime.
Usual Frame: Reality is exactly what you see and feel.
Reframe: Imagine the objects around you as virtual objects.
It takes a fair amount of mental processing to reimagine your environment as
computer generated, and that’s another reason it works. You want your brain
distracted with a challenge—otherwise it will drift back to its default loop of
negativity.
If you are not a visual person, you might discover some other type of
distraction works best to pull you out of a negative headspace. Experiment.
Pick a distraction that interests you and engages your brain and see for
yourself if it reliably puts you in a different frame of mind. I recently learned
how to play drums (poorly), and I discovered it is completely absorbing. My
brain must coordinate four limbs working independently plus a brain that is
keeping a beat and anticipating the next fill (a drummer word for the
interesting flourishes). There is no brain power left to think about any
problems. So I don’t. And when I’m done drumming, I almost always feel
great.
Find the activity that takes over your entire mind. That’s your escape hatch.

The Death Bed Reframe

This one goes like this.
Usual Frame: My stress and anxiety are caused by events in my life.
Reframe: I won’t care about any of those events on my deathbed.
If you know something is too small to be remembered in your final days of
sentient existence, what are the odds your problem is important today? We
evolved to care most about what is happening to us here and now. But that
frame can make your problems feel worse because “right now” does not
include a future time in which those problems are (usually) resolved or at least
diminished.
 When you use the deathbed reframe, you see your life as bigger than your
current problems. That can make the importance of today’s problem shrink, at
least in terms of how you process it in your mind.
Whenever my young stepson got a scrape or cut, I discovered his attitude
would immediately improve if I told him how long the pain would last. I’d
look at his cut or scrape with a knowing expression and confidently tell him,
“This one is a four-minute situation.” It always helped.
I don’t think adults are much different from kids when it comes to how we
process pain. The degree of pain matters, but you also care how long it lasts. If
you don’t know how long it will last, that’s an extra mental burden on top of
the pain. If you know the pain will be done in a minute, you can ride it out
with far less mental friction.
Usual Frame: I am in pain.
Reframe: I am in pain for a minute.
When you shift your mind from your immediate pain or problems to some
imagined future in which the pain is gone or forgotten—no matter how near or
far in the future—you weaken the power of your current discomfort. Try it.
You’ll be surprised how well it works.

The View from Space

This reframe makes no logical sense but works for me anyway.
Usual Frame: You are the center of your universe and the highest priority.
Reframe: Viewed from space, everything looks small, including your
problems
How could imagining yourself looking at Earth from space improve your
attitude? Because any kind of perspective shift can interfere with your looping
and cascading negative thoughts. It’s like taking a walk in the woods or going
on vacation to help you forget your troubles and reduce your stress. When the
vision-handling parts of the brain are involved, it’s hard to hold any other
thought at the same time. Looking at the scenery outside or imagining Earth as
viewed from space both call on parts of the brain that can absorb all your
attention at least temporarily, and that can be enough to take the edge off your
worries.

Mental Shelf Space

This next reframe is an all-star in my book. (Literally, in this book.) And by
that, I mean it has the most potential for immediately improving your life. It
goes like this.
Usual Frame: You need to stop thinking negative thoughts.
Reframe: You can’t subtract negative thoughts. But you can crowd them
out.
I call this the mental shelf-space strategy. If something bad is happening in
your life, it makes perfect sense that you think about it a lot. But there comes a
time when obsessing over a negative thought becomes so corrosive you need a
mental vacation. You need to get rid of the negative thoughts looping in your
head.
Unfortunately, you can’t subtract thoughts. Brains don’t work that way. You
can, however, stay so busy that you don’t have time to ruminate on all the bad
news. Over time, the memory of the bad thing will fade. You might need to
create some new experiences that thrill you so much you can’t think of much
else. But hey, wouldn’t that be fun anyway?
Our brains evolved to solve our problems. If you have problems, your brain
will pounce and—for many of us—never release. That’s what you want if your
problem is one that can be solved—you want your brain to automatically
attack the problem and find a solution. But reality is too messy for that. Many
of our most vexing problems exist entirely in our minds, like this one:
I worry that my friends stopped liking me because of that thing I said.
For that kind of problem—the usually-irrational worries—your best bet is to
bury it with new thoughts and experiences. Fill your shelf-space. Make
yourself busy. It works.
For example, as I mentioned, I have discovered that learning a musical
instrument takes up so much brain power, I crowd out any competing thoughts
while I practice. Compare that to walking or running, which invites stray
thoughts. Pick hobbies, tasks, and social interactions that demand your full
attention. If you’re only using your legs such as taking a walk, that probably
isn’t good enough. You must get your mind involved.
When I go to bed, I direct my thoughts toward wonderful things that
happened to me recently as well as to incredible things I fantasize about
happening later. You can’t prevent bad thoughts from trying to sneak in, but
you can crowd them out with stronger, more addictive thoughts.
The shelf-space concept differs from the mental exercises I described earlier
such as imagining yourself from space, imagining your deathbed, or imagining
a virtual world. Those hacks also crowd out negative thoughts, but they are
entirely mental exercises. The mental shelf-space idea is more about real world
actions of all kinds that keep you too busy to think about your worries.

PHILOSOPHY REFRAMES
When you remind people that life is short, they automatically become more
flexible because no one wants to squander the precious gift of time on
whatever nonsense is making us angry now. The reframe works as well when
you remind yourself you won’t be here forever.
I don’t recommend using this reframe to talk yourself into doing something
dangerous. Use it to get moving on something you want to do but worry is
holding you back.
Usual Frame: I’m afraid to do the thing I know I should do.
Reframe: Life is short.
The life-is-short reframe can help you get off the couch and make some
decisions you keep putting off due to one worry or another. I include this
reframe in the Mental Health chapter instead of the Success chapter because
the greatest benefit is how it makes you feel. When you frame your life as a
limited opportunity, your mind automatically puts more value on each minute
of it, and the value of variety, adventure, and curiosity seems greater—much
like how you approach a vacation. Your vacation days are limited, so you have
an instinct to maximize that experience. Once you reframe your life as a
limited engagement, you automatically start operating with more boldness to
get as much as you can out of it before you go. That’s great for your mental
health.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
(OCD)
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder involves thoughts and behaviors you don’t
want to experience but can’t figure out how to stop. In some cases, that might
involve needing to check ten times if an iron has been unplugged before
leaving the house, or thoughts that disaster will happen if you make the wrong
move in your daily life such as wearing the wrong shoes. These are basic
examples. The variety is unlimited. What they all have in common is they are
irrational thoughts and actions that the afflicted can’t seem to stop.
I recently ran an unscientific experiment with my Locals community. I asked
any of them who had OCD or knew someone who does to try the reframe I
will present to you in this chapter. To my delight, several reported successes. I
doubt it will work for everyone, but that’s true of reframes in general.
I explained to my Locals subscribers that hypnotists and psychologists know
people can be persuaded—and thus their brains rewired—by anything that
feels like a reason no matter how nonsensical it is. As a hypnotist, I know how
powerful nonsense “reasons” can be. In this book, I call any nonsense reason a
“fake because.” They work best when the subject wants the life change
suggested by the fake reason.
For example, if I know there will be a social “fight” over who picks up a
dinner check and I want to prevail, I prepare a “fake because” in my mind
before the check arrives. When my check-grabbing opponent reaches for the
check the same time I do, I slip in the kill shot: “You drove all the way to my
town for lunch, so I’ve got this.”
Is that a good reason? No. It only sounds like one. There might be several
other variables just as important. Watch how many fake reasons I can generate.
These so-called reasons work best if you can touch the check first.
“I got this, for your birthday, in case I don’t see you.”
 “Next one is on you.” (An indirect way to say you want to see the person
again.)
“We’re celebrating your new job.” (Even if the new job was two months
ago.)
You get the point. There’s always some angle you can use to generate a
weak or even nonsense reason. I’ve been doing this trick for years, and it
works about 90 percent of the time. And it works because the other person
wants a solution to the social awkwardness as much as I do. Any reason will
do, including a nonsense reason. In those few cases in which someone fought
through my fake because and insisted on paying, they had a strong reason.
That’s just another way for both of you to win, and you still get credit for
trying to pay.
Now consider OCD. No one wants OCD, so this suggests to a hypnotist that
a fake because might work for some people in some situations—not
necessarily instantly, but perhaps over time, with repetition.
If you have OCD and want to test the method I’m describing, simply invent
a fake reason for why you can discontinue your unwanted thoughts and
activities, then repeat that fake reason to yourself every time you need it.
Usual Frame: I must do this pattern of behavior or else something bad will
happen.
Reframe: I no longer need to do the behavior because less is more.
“Less is more” is a nonsense reason in this context. But it sounds like a
reason and feels like a reason probably because most of us have heard that
phrase in situations where it made sense. In business meetings, my experience
is that those three words—less is more—make everyone in the room nod in
silent agreement because it sounds like something Buddha would say. “Less is
more” is a powerful bit of programming code that makes everything it touches
seem persuasive. Use that to your advantage.
You can substitute any other nonsense reason that sounds more persuasive to
you than “less is more.” But it will be hard to beat because it is what I call
bumper sticker wisdom—meaning it sounds like something that should be
true, and maybe you once heard a smart person say it . . . or a person who
sounded smart.
In case you haven’t noticed, I am not a doctor. If you have any concerns
about this reframe, talk to a professional and get a second opinion. But I don’t
think you have anything to lose by trying some nonsense reasons and tracking
how it works. Good luck!

SOCIAL EVENT ANXIETY

For the purposes of this book, social event anxiety refers to entering a room
full of people you don’t know or don’t know well and feeling uncomfortable.
I’ll give you some reframes that will remove much or all of your social
anxiety.
The first reframe is the most important.
Usual Frame: Confidence is something you’re born with.
Reframe: Confidence is something you learn.
By the time you finish this book, you will have learned a variety of tricks for
acting confident. But that isn’t the only way to develop confidence. Many
people report building confidence through learning martial arts or excelling at
a sport or hobby. Warren Buffett famously attended a Dale Carnegie class
when he was young, as did I. Both of us can confirm it teaches you to be
confident in front of an audience or during social chit-chat. You can also
improve confidence through physical fitness, better sleep, and even breathing
exercises. There are many ways to go about building confidence, and you
probably have a mental list of your own. All I’m adding is the reminder that
you can easily manage your confidence if you try. It’s a gift that is available to
all.
When you enter a social situation, you probably ask yourself two questions:

1. How should I act?

2. How are people judging me?
 If you knew exactly what to do in each social situation, imagine how much
easier everything would be. You’ve probably experienced working or
volunteering at some sort of business or event in which you interacted with the
public in a well-defined way. If you knew how to do your job, you probably
didn’t have much social anxiety. You knew what to do, and you did it. I’ll
teach you how to approach any social situation with the same confidence in the
“rules” as you might have on the job.
The second question is about people judging you. The good news is that if
you learn the rules of social engagement (which will happen in the next few
minutes), people will be impressed by your poise and judge you kindly. If you
get the what-to-do part down, you won’t need to worry about being judged.
You’ll be the star of the gathering. A quiet star, perhaps. But people will
notice.
The first reframe for this topic involves imagining you are going to an event
in which all the other participants have been selected for their poor social
skills. You are the lone exception. You have strong social skills and everyone
else knows it. In this imaginary scenario, would you have much social anxiety?
Probably not as much as normal because you would feel more capable than the
other participants in the skill that matters most at that moment.
The simple techniques I will teach you in this chapter are almost guaranteed
to put you in the top 10 percent of socially skilled people. And that means you
won’t have to use any imagination to know you are more capable at working a
room than nearly anyone else.
Usual Frame: People have better social skills than I do.
Reframe: I am in the top 10 percent of people with good social skills (after
reading this chapter).
Another useful reframe involves how you see the other people at the
gathering. Are they sources of potential embarrassment? That’s an
unproductive way to think of it. I recommend reframing the participants as
each having a problem you are uniquely qualified to solve. Their problem is
that they feel socially awkward.
 Most people are uncomfortable meeting strangers. If you have social
anxiety, you’re closer to the norm than the exception. With a little practice, you
can learn to see a room full of strangers as a bunch of problems you can solve
just by engaging with them. Their social anxiety will go away as soon as they
are talking to a nice person who shows interest.
Usual Frame: Each person at the gathering is a source of potential
embarrassment for me.
Reframe: Each person has a problem (social awkwardness) that I can solve
right now.

How to Pick the Right Target for Conversation

If you enter a room and the people already there are mostly paired off or in
small groups to converse, you have the extra pressure of trying to break into an
ongoing conversation. Here are some tips:

1. Men who are having a high-energy conversation often won’t open

their body language and let you in when you sidle up to them with
the clear intent of becoming part of the action. Men who act that way
have poor social skills or are asserting rank. If you try to enter a male
conversation and get frozen out, pull out your phone, pretend you just
got a message, and walk away to handle it. Find an easier target.
2. Women are more likely to open their conversation circle if you make
your intentions clear. If you see an alpha woman doing most of the
talking in a small group of women, that’s ideal. A strong woman will
invite you in and initiate introductions.
3. Look for the strongest social players and approach them first, male or
female. You can usually spot them. They are moving effortlessly
across small groups and dominating conversations. Strong
personalities like meeting new people and enjoy connecting people
with others. If you see one of the strong players leave a small group
and head for the bar for a refill, consider intercepting. When meeting
a strong social player—someone with the skills you are acquiring
 right now—the awkwardness disappears. Strong players know the
rules. You’re a strong player now. If you want to make sure the other
person knows you have skills, introduce yourself. That alone would
flag you as a strong player in social situations.
4. Look for the awkward loners in the same predicament as you. They
would LOVE someone to come up and say hi. The degree of
difficulty there is near zero.

How to Introduce Yourself

This is all you must do:

1. Make eye contact and smile.

2. Extend a hand to shake.
3. Say, “Hi, I’m Scott.” (Use your name, not mine.)

Most people will tell you their names as they shake hands. The most socially
awkward people will not. If needed, follow up with, “What’s your name?”
Speak their name out loud at least once to help you remember. Use it in a
sentence if you can, and right away. People love to hear their own names. It’s
an easy and instant bonding technique. Be a name-user. This one tip puts you
in the top half of talented social talkers. Make it your superpower to remember
names. All it takes is focus and effort. Now that you know how important it is
to remember and use a person’s name, maybe that will increase your attention
to every name you hear in the future.

How to Be Interesting
Are you worried you’re not that interesting? You might be right. Most people
are not great conversationalists. It’s a rare skill. But that’s no problem because
the worst thing you could do when meeting a stranger is talk about yourself for
too long while attempting to be interesting. Instead, you want to ask questions
and show interest. You might need to fake your interest for a few questions
until you find a topic you both like. Start your question stack roughly in this
order:

1. What brings you here? (Or, What is your role today?—Use words to
that effect.)
2. Where do you live?
3. Do you have kids?
4. What do you do for a living?

The reason these questions come first is that the answers are easy. No
thinking or cleverness is required. And your follow-up questions will be
obvious. For example, if someone has kids, you ask the ages or where they go
to school.
If those questions strike you as too personal for someone you just met, that’s
an illusion. People love answering easy questions about themselves in
awkward social situations because they know exactly how. That’s how you
solve their problem. If you ask me where I live, I know exactly how to answer,
and I’m darned glad I’m not standing alone pretending to look at text messages
on my phone.
When you introduce yourself and ask questions of a stranger, you are
solving the stranger’s biggest current problem: What do I do right now? You
can accurately assume most people at social gatherings are struggling to
appear socially capable. You can make their part easy. And if you do, they will
want to talk to you all night.
Usual Frame: No one wants to talk to me. I’m boring.
Reframe: Everyone enjoys talking to people who show interest in them.
You’re only a few minutes into this chapter, and already your social skills
are in the top 10 percent of any human gathering. Literally. No kidding. And
you are about to get even better.

Being a Huge Fake, But in a Good Way

As much as we like to think of ourselves as “keeping it real,” we also know we
change our personalities based on who we’re with. You wouldn’t talk to a
toddler the way you talk to a cop, for example. You wouldn’t even talk to your
boss the way you talk to your coworkers. And you probably don’t talk to
anyone else the way you talk to your lover or spouse.
The people with the worst social skills can’t get past the illusion that “being
yourself” and “keeping it real” are good strategies. Instead, I say go with what
works. And what works best is modifying your communication style to
optimize it for each situation.
Usual Frame: Be yourself and keep it real.
Reframe: Adjust your communication style for the situation.
Once you accept the fact that we are all “acting” to some degree when we
communicate, you can go all-in and turn it into a technique. I learned this trick
from a college peer who was taking acting classes. When he talked to older
adults in the college administration, he literally acted like he was one of them.
The act was so transparent to his peers that it was hilarious. But how did the
college administrators receive it? They loved this polite fellow who made eye
contact and generally acted like a capable young man. It didn’t look comically
exaggerated to them at all. His act only looked hilarious to his friends. The
“trick” he used—literally acting—was perfectly acceptable to his target
audience of older adults. My guess is that the adults knew he was “acting,” but
since they were acting too, it probably seemed normal. I was the one who was
uncomfortable when he went into his act because I was only beginning to
understand “the show” that adults put on for each other. Don’t deny the show.
If you can, call on your acting skills and create an interesting version of
yourself that isn’t a lie.

How to End a Conversation

If you go to an event to network or to meet new people, you don’t want to get
bogged down talking to one person all night. You need some tricks for ending
a conversation gracefully. Here are three classics that work every time:
 1. My drink evaporated. Can I get you anything at the bar?
2. Excuse me, I need to use the men’s (or women’s) room.
3. I need to do some more mingling. It was great meeting you (or
catching up with you).

Physicality
As you know, humans are deeply influenced by appearance. One way to
reduce your social anxiety is to work on your diet and fitness until you feel
confident in any public setting. If you know you look good, you’ll feel less
awkward.
I’m a short, bald man with corrective lenses. If that’s all I am, I’m not
feeling too comfortable breaking into conversations with strangers. But I’m
also a lifelong gym rat, so I’m generally more fit than the public at large, no
pun intended. That helps me feel confident in social situations.
Diet and exercise are the most important levers in your life. I don’t know
what science says on this topic, but if you get food and fitness under control, I
think your improved health and vitality would translate into more confidence
in social situations. We act better when we feel better.

Have Stories
Your social interactions should center around asking questions and listening,
but inevitably you will want to tell some stories as well to keep up your end of
the conversation. I recommend framing your experiences—as you have them
—in terms of stories you will later tell.
In other words, if something interesting is happening to you, imagine how
you would tell the story. Then keep that story at the ready if you need it. It
could be your answer to “How was your day?” Here are some useful story-
making tips:
A good story is simple to understand, creates curiosity in the listener,
and has an interesting payoff or punchline at the end.
 Never exceed three names in a story. If Bob is the subject of your
story, and he was with four friends, don’t name them unless that is
somehow relevant. Names clog stories. Reduce them to the minimum.
Do the entire story setup in one sentence, e.g. “I was at the recycling
center yesterday when this big bus pulled in . . .” Avoid the long
windup, as in, “I noticed my recycling container was filling up faster
than usual because we started buying bottled water.” That part is
irrelevant to the story.
Practice saying the punchline, the big reveal, or the shocking ending
in one clean sentence. The body of your story can be variable each
time you tell it, but make sure your “payoff line” is tight and simple.
Practice! Storytelling is a skill. The more you do it, the better you will
be at putting your body language and acting skills into it. People will
react to your emotional state as much as the details of the story. If you
are enjoying telling the story, the listener picks up that joy. And you
will enjoy your storytelling most if you are comfortable doing it. So
practice.

AVOIDING STRESS
I distinguish stress from anxiety because stress usually has obvious causes
whereas anxiety can be a general feeling that is immune to what is happening
that day.
Sometimes our stress comes from worrying we will make poor decisions.
But there is at least one class of problems that don’t require you to know which
path is best: things you can easily test.
If the decision is important, and you have a way to test it small before
committing to a larger decision, you have everything you need. You don’t need
anyone’s opinion on whether it is a good idea. Test and find out.
It can be stressful to think you might make a wrong decision. But it isn’t
stressful to know you can test your ideas before committing.
Usual Frame: Is this a good decision?
Reframe: Can we test it small?
 If you have corporate and business experience, you are probably wondering
who needs to be told that testing before committing is a good idea. It’s
obviously the smart way to go when you can. But people who do not have that
work experience won’t reflexively ask if a thing can be tested small.
Remember the test-it reframe and try to turn it into a mental habit.

No One Cares
It can be stressful knowing others will judge you no matter what you do. I get
judged a lot in my line of work, so I have loads of experience reframing it out
of relevance. I’ll show you how.
Start by realizing there are primarily two kinds of people in the world:

1. Bad people who don’t care about you at all,

and . . .

2. Good people who won’t judge you for being human.

There are some weirdos in the middle, but we can ignore the exceptions. For
example, your ex-spouse or romantic partner might care what you do and
judge you for it. But you already solved that problem by breaking up.
Most of the world either doesn’t care about you at all, or they like you and
don’t judge. The latter group might even make you feel better if you screw up.
The point is that worrying about what others think of your performance is
living in an imaginary world in which people both care about you and judge
you. That is far from reality, and this reframe helps you find that truth.
Usual Frame: People judge me, so I feel bad when I mess up.
Reframe: People only care about themselves. They don’t care what dumb
thing I did recently, even if they mention it.
A lot of the so-called advice I give people depends on being immune to
failure and the opinions of others. It’s a useful skill. Years ago, I had laser
treatments on my face to remove some imperfections. I was advised to stay
home for a few weeks because I would look monstrous until the purple
bruising went down. And sure enough, I looked like I’d just lost an MMA fight
with Conor McGregor. So I stayed home and waited for the damage to heal.
But I’m impatient. My cabin fever got so bad I decided to go shopping at my
local mall and endure the staring and derision coming from my fellow humans.
Nothing remotely like that happened. Instead, I went shopping, and no one
stared at me, no one asked what happened, and no one expressed sympathy. No
one cared at all. And what was every one of them thinking instead of thinking
about me as I deserve?
They were thinking of themselves, I assume, because they care about
themselves. They don’t care about randos at the mall. I can’t read their minds,
but I do know their opinions about my face had no impact on me whatsoever. I
shopped. I went home. It was a normal day.
Prior to that day, I was already well on my way to not caring about the
opinions of strangers. But that day in the mall, I finished my journey. And my
concern about being judged never came back. I welcome you to borrow my
mantra:
The strangers care about themselves.
The strangers care about themselves.
The strangers care about themselves.

Reducing Stress Is Your Job

At the beginning of this book, I explained why reframes don’t need to be true
or logical to work. This next reframe is logically incompatible with a reframe
we already discussed: “Your job is to get a better job.” If the apparent
contradiction bothers you, pick the one you like best. If both reframes work for
you, use them both. That’s what I do.
This is one of the most valuable reframes in the book.
Usual Frame: Stress comes with the job.
Reframe: Reducing stress IS your job.
We work for a variety of reasons, but work is only one part of a larger
system for reducing stress. I don’t earn money just to have it. I earn money to
make my life more pleasant, which includes reducing my stress about
surviving.
When I was in my mid-teens, I realized stress and anxiety would eat me
from the inside unless I taught myself how to deal with it. So I started treating
stress reduction like a full-time job, and I’m glad I did. Today, I rarely
experience any major stress or anxiety. The triggers are all there, but I’ve
learned to silence them.
This isn’t a book about reducing stress, so I’ll only go as far as listing all the
methods I’ve sampled on my own journey. I do this to make my point that I
treat stress reduction as my job or at least a side job. It’s a lot of work. But it is
also a lot of reward. This isn’t a list of recommendations for you; I’m only
showing you how seriously I treat it.

My Stress Reduction Systems

Here they are:
Meditation (in my teens and college years)
Yoga
Self-hypnosis
Physical intimacy (especially with other people)
Daily exercise
Go to sleep and wake up at consistent times
Black-out curtains for the bedroom
Healthy diet
Frequent walks outdoors
Scheduled alone time
Change of scenery
Building a talent stack
The last item on the list requires explanation. You already know that
assembling a set of skills makes you highly employable. At a young age, I also
realized it’s a great source of comfort. The more skills with commercial value I
assembled, the less I worried about my future. I knew I’d be fine no matter
where I ended up.

SURVIVOR’S GUILT
Let’s say you are the only survivor of some sort of disaster. If that happened to
me, I would interpret it as luck on my part and nothing more. But many people
would reflexively seek meaning for the event and wonder, “Why them, not
me?” That’s called Survivor’s Guilt.

Mechanical World
The best way to reframe survivor’s guilt depends on your philosophical view
of reality. If you believe we are a mechanical world unfolding according to the
exact laws of physics, use this reframe.
Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
Reframe: It’s no different from a clock reading 2:00 PM exactly once a day.
It is just cause and effect. It has no meaning.
In most disasters, there are survivors. They can’t all have meaning. But it’s a
safe bet that some of the survivors will search for that meaning. Likely, no
meaning is there to be found. Sometimes people just survive tragedies. Maybe
this time it was you. That’s the end of the story.
If you have a statistical view of the world, this reframe might work best for
you.
Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
 Reframe: Every specific thing that has happened to me since birth is
extraordinarily unlikely. This is more of that.
Have you ever had bad luck that was super-unlucky? I’m talking about
coincidences that are mind-blowing. Sure, you have. We all have. That’s
because luck follows a natural distribution. Most situations involve average
amounts of luck, while the two extremes of super-bad-luck and super-good-
luck do happen, but not often.

Purpose
Your existence on this planet is extraordinarily unlikely. It took over 13 billion
years of evolution to bring you to this exact place and time. On top of that, you
are the product of a winning sperm and a willing egg. All the competing sperm
that day failed. Your sperm-daddy was the only one who closed the deal. From
that moment on, your life has been an unending sea of near-misses and near-
hits. If you survived an accident that took everyone else’s life, that coincidence
is no more remarkable than everything that led up to that moment. We live in a
sea of coincidence.
If you are a believer (in God), I have the strongest reframe for this situation.
Usual Frame: Why me?
Reframe: God needs you here for something important.
Is that true? I don’t know. But it’s comforting for believers. I’ve seen people
make good use of that reframe. I can’t speak from personal experience on this
one as I am not a believer. But I find value in imagining I have some sort of
purpose, God-given or otherwise.

Permission
This is a weird one. Sometimes we just need “permission” to release guilt. I’m
here to give it to you. In my capacity as author of this book—which you have
enjoyed enough to read this far—I give you permission to release your
survivor’s guilt. What happened to you was bad luck, or maybe God’s will, but
it was not about you.
 Guilt of any kind is a social phenomenon, and by that, I mean you couldn’t
be guilty unless other people existed. Guilt is how you see yourself through the
eyes of others. If no other existed, you would have no one to feel guilty about
and no eyes to see yourself through.
The function of guilt is to reduce the chances of you making an unwise
decision in the future. But if the tragedy dogging you is unlikely to happen
again, your guilt serves no biological or social function. You need not be
warned against making the same mistake because the situation will never come
up again. Respect your guilt for the useful function it serves, but let it go when
it has served its purpose.
Usual Frame: I feel a responsibility to hold this guilt.
Reframe: You have my permission to release your guilt.
Sometimes all you need is an independent nudge to let it go. Let me be your
nudge.

Think of the Dead

Do you think the people who did not survive want you to suffer? They do not.
Your respect for the dead is holding you captive. The dead are flexible. They
will not complain. They would want you to be happy, not guilty. Let the dead
have their way. It’s the least you can do for them and the best way to respect
them.
Usual Frame: I feel bad that I was the lone survivor.
Reframe: What would the dead want you to do—suffer or be happy?

The Past Is Imaginary

I’ve already talked about the past being imaginary, so I will skip the details
here. The quick explanation is that you can decide you popped into existence
today and need to navigate a life you just took over. This reframe helps me let
go of the past. I think it can work for you, too.
Take a breath and look around the room. Imagine you just popped into
existence as if in a video game, and the game just started. All prior games have
been deleted.
Go.

Could Have Done More

Often, we feel we “could have done more” to help someone avoid tragedy.
And it might be true largely because it is always true. Saying you could have
done more—about anything—is so true it is meaningless. Of course, you could
have done more. But since it would always be true you could have done more,
no matter what, it has no meaning. Let it go.
Usual Frame: You could have done more.
Reframe: Everyone can do more. It is a meaningless concept.

ADDICTION
Silicon Valley entrepreneur and philosopher Naval Ravikant says the greatest
personal challenge in modern times involves avoiding (or managing)
addiction. If you don’t have an addiction problem, you probably think this
reframe doesn’t apply. But I guarantee you are addicted to something, which
might include social media, daily exercise, gambling, sex, or anything else. In
my experience, everyone is addicted to something. But not everyone is
addicted to something harmful, which leads me to this reframe.
Usual Frame: Avoid addiction.
Reframe: Choose your addictions wisely.
This reframe acknowledges the reality that humans are by nature easily
addicted, but we are not addicted to the same things in the same ways.
For ethical reasons, I can’t recommend you pursue any specific lesser
addictions to replace your more dangerous addictions, but I do recommend you
think in those terms. Look for ways to consciously add positive addictions to
your life to crowd out your less-helpful impulses. I recently added learning to
play drums to my addiction stack, and I love it. I’m also addicted to waking up
early, posting, and exercising regularly. The worst one on my list is X, but I tell
myself that’s part of my job. I have other addictions as well, but none of them
involve opioid addiction or unlawful conduct. I fill my schedule with positive
addictions to leave less room for the toxic type.
I sometimes call this reframe the Pleasure Unit Theory. The idea is that
humans need a minimum daily amount of pleasure or else life will not be
worth living. This explains why people do dangerous illegal drugs—they don’t
feel they have other options for sufficient pleasure. This suggests an indirect
way to treat addiction: Introduce lots of pleasure substitutes. Ideally, you also
want some meaning-of-life activities in your schedule, too, such as being
useful to others. Pleasure alone won’t keep you in a good place.
I have too much experience with addicts to tell you they can be cured by
taking up some substitute hobbies. I’m suggesting that whatever method you
use to treat an addiction will be easier if your alternatives offer lots of pleasure.
This is what it looks like as a reframe.
Usual Frame: People with bad judgment often pursue dangerous and
unproductive pleasures.
Reframe: People need a minimum level of pleasure to make life worth
living, and if they can’t get it safely, they will get it unsafely.
This reframe is subtle. At first glance, both frames seem to say something
similar—that humans pursue pleasure. But it is deeper than that. Once you
realize people need a daily minimum of pleasure, you understand why people
will break laws, cheat, and lie to get it. You will also understand the best way
to reduce bad behavior is to flood the zone with safe and legal options that can
act as substitutes for illegal stuff.
The practical use of this reframe is that if you know someone struggling
with any kind of vice or addiction, there’s not much chance they will stop
unless they can find some other source of acceptable pleasure. This idea is not
too far from the concept that addicts need to “hit bottom” before they decide to
turn their lives around. Hitting bottom usually signals that the pleasure part of
the addiction has collapsed. At that point, the only reasonable way to pursue
pleasure is without drugs.
What do almost all rehab organizations do as the first step? They remove all
sources of pleasure from the patient. I’m frankly surprised traditional rehab has
ever worked for anyone, but clearly some people do succeed at getting straight.
I believe the success rate would be higher if patients trying to quit their
primary source of pleasure had easy access to healthy and acceptable
alternatives. Compare trying to quit a vice while having nothing else to give
you pleasure to, for example, sitting in a massage chair listening to your
favorite music in a room full of puppies. One of those conditions will make
you want to take drugs more than the other.
I used to believe in something called willpower. The idea is that some people
had this amazing ability to endure discomfort and pain to achieve their goals.
Others had no willpower at all, it seemed, as they would make one bad choice
after another to chase small pleasures.
Eventually, I learned willpower isn’t a thing that a human or any other
creature possesses. It’s just a way for observers to explain behavior without
knowing what is happening in anyone’s brain. You might want to pause here
and debate me about the nature of free will, but I will ask you to hold that
debate because reframes don’t need to be true or logical.
Here’s the reframe.
Usual Frame: Some people have no willpower. They are weak.
Reframe: Some people get more pleasure from certain vices than you do.
I no longer judge overeaters. I used to think if I could maintain a healthy
weight, so can anyone else. Now I know I was mistaken. Once you realize
some people enjoy eating more than others, the whole world starts to make
sense.
On a scale of 1 to 10, enjoyment of food is maybe a 7 for me. I like food.
I’m just not in love with it. If I were, I’d weigh 400 pounds. And it wouldn’t be
because I lacked willpower. It would be because I loved food.
I learned this reframe from my hypnosis instructor decades ago. He was
overweight and explained it this way: “I like to eat.” The context was his larger
explanation of why hypnosis isn’t especially effective for weight loss—it only
works when the subject wants the change. And people who “like to eat” don’t
want to lose one of their greatest loves.
 Compare the treatment of overeating to, for example, a fear of flying. No
one wants to have a fear of flying, so hypnosis could potentially help with that.
But cutting down on sugar, cigarettes, or alcohol would be harder because it
involves giving up something you love. Hypnosis isn’t an ideal tool for that.

BAD DAYS
Everyone has bad days, except me. I only have days that are suited for one
kind of purpose versus another. If everything goes well in my day, I feel happy
and satisfied. But if everything goes wrong in my day, I can use that energy to
handle the ugly tasks I had been putting off, and that usually works out well.
For example, if you are having a bad day anyway, you might as well fire that
employee you didn’t want to deal with before. Your day won’t get worse.
Is there some kind of risk you have been wanting to take on but couldn’t
quite pull the trigger? Skydiving? SCUBA lessons? Quit your job? Whatever it
is, it will seem less risky on a bad day.
Have you been wanting to increase your workouts but couldn’t muster the
energy? Try increasing your exercise routine on an otherwise bad day. Your
negative energy will turn into muscles.
Usual Frame: There are good days and bad.
Reframe: All days are useful in different ways.
I’m exaggerating about never having a bad day, but I think you get the idea.

Ending Your Life (Don’t)

Sixties superstar Janice Joplin famously sang, “Freedom’s just another word
for nothing left to lose.” That blew my mind the first time I heard it. How
could freedom be such a sad and lonely thing? But the longer you live, the
more you know it’s true.
Usual Frame: Freedom is the ability to do what you want.
Reframe: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.
Divorces and job losses and tragedies of all kinds can give you a sense of
losing almost everything. But gaining your freedom in the deal is not a bad
consolation prize. If you have a decent talent stack and good health, some
extra freedom might be exactly what you need to have a fully realized life. I
got through two divorces using this reframe so I can tell you from experience
that it helps a lot.
If you have a limited talent stack, you won’t be able to take advantage of
freedom right away, but at least you will have the freedom to develop the skills
you need to thrive later. So do that. That’s always the right play.
The best time to use the freedom reframe is when you are extra sad and
broken, and life has kicked you in the head. If you start thinking dark thoughts
about ending your life, the fastest way back is to remind yourself you have
nothing to lose, which means you are free. Free to talk to a stranger. Free to
ask for a raise. Free to join a club without shyness, free to make a long-
overdue phone call, free to take a scary adventure, change your fashion, shave
your head, learn an instrument, get a tattoo, or sample a new religion. Go nuts.
Have some fun. Put yourself out there and get shot down. Laugh. Try it again.
You’re free.
Here are a few more reframes you might find useful if you are fighting off
the feeling that you might want to end it all.
Usual Frame: I can’t handle this for the rest of my life.
Reframe: I can do anything for a day.
If you can’t imagine being happy in the future, don’t spend too much time
thinking about it. Instead, ask yourself if you could handle one more day of
this suboptimal life if you knew for sure there was a chance of things
improving. Of course you could. And there is always a chance that things will
get better. I’m improving your odds right now.
Maybe things will look better tomorrow, or maybe it takes longer. Either
way, narrow your timeframe of consideration from the entire rest of your life
until you can see your own future as a manageable unit. You don’t need to fool
yourself. You only need to shift your focus. Remember, reframes treat your
brain as a programmable machine, not a logical machine. Logic won’t
persuade you that your long-term future is better than you think because you
have no way of knowing. This problem calls for a logic-free solution, and
putting your focus on “one more day” can help you get that done. Now use that
day to try these brain hacks.

Be Important to Someone
If you don’t feel a sense of purpose in life, you can find a purpose the same
way most people do—by becoming important to some other person, pet, or
group. When you feel important to the safety and wellbeing of another, you
automatically feel a sense of purpose. If you want to keep it simple, volunteer
to work at an animal shelter. That will give you an instant connection. But also
form a plan to upgrade your social life, which might take longer. A great way
to start is by taking your fitness routine to the next level. It will be good for
your mind and will probably multiply your social and romantic options.

Make Stress Optional

If the stress of life is getting you down, I have a story that might help you. In
the mid-1990s, I was working my day job at the local phone company while
my comic strip side hustle slowly became my primary income. The minute I
knew I didn’t need my day job for money, all the stress of work evaporated.
Coworkers who were reliable at being unreliable stopped frustrating me and
started to seem funny instead. My deadlines no longer weighed on my mind. I
wasn’t concerned with making a professional impression or making my boss
like me. My day job duties were the same bag of mini-horrors and insanity as
always, but because I was by then only showing up for work by choice, work
transformed in my mind to something closer to entertainment.
 Here’s how that phenomenon can work for you. If you have decided (and I
hope this never happens) to end your life, take a moment to imagine how that
decision removes all stress from your daily life today. Once you know you
have full control of whether you are alive or not, being alive might start to feel
the way I felt when I didn’t need my day job but went to work anyway. You
won’t care about the little frustrations when you know they’re optional. They
might even make you laugh.
Reframes won’t necessarily be enough to completely turn things around for
you, so also make sure you know how to get professional help for people in
your situation. A quick Google search for a suicide hotline or therapy provider
will serve you well.

PAST TRAUMAS
This is one of the most powerful reframes you will ever encounter. I performed
this reframe on my livestream audience, and the immediate feedback was,
“Make sure you put that one in the book!” Countless viewers reported
immediate relief. You may feel this reframe right away, too. But like all
reframes, the more you repeat them in your mind, the stronger they can get.
Usual Frame: I am a victim of my past traumas.
Reframe: History is imaginary.
This reframe works best with the context this book provides. If you
paraphrase these points for someone else, you will be doing a form of “talking
hypnosis” on your listener. That’s what I call it when there is no induction—
the “you are getting sleepy” part—and instead just guide the subject’s thinking
in a useful way.

History Does Not Exist (Still)

As I mentioned earlier, history doesn’t exist in any physical sense. It’s only a
concept. Stop imagining the past controlling you with its invisible hand. Your
past is non-existent. History is a dangling artifact of chemical and electrical
reactions. Your past was real when it happened, but today it is 100 percent
imaginary. Once you internalize that truth, you are free. You control the
present.

What Is Real Is in the Room with You

Look at the objects in the room. They exist in your subjective reality. They
matter. Now touch your arm or shoulder or chin. You are real, too. Is anyone
else in the room? They are also real because they are present. Their history and
your history are not in the room. Those memories are like loose wires and
beverage stains in your brain. They have no importance.

Finding Now
Here’s a reframe that blew my mind. It’s a classic I hadn’t heard until recently.
It belongs to Lao Tzu and goes like this:
If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you live in the future.
But if you are at peace, you are in the present.
I heard another version that seems to fit the times better:
If you are angry, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
In reframe terms, it looks like this.
Usual Frame: I am angry because something happened.
Reframe: I am living in the past.
and . . .
Usual Frame: I am anxious.
Reframe: I am living in the future (but not in a good way).
You can take the edge off any negative emotion that is past-focused or
future-focused—whether caused by trauma or not—by moving your focus to
now. This next tip will help you find the now.
You Were Born Now
Imagine you were born into the world right now with no history, no childhood,
no past. Would the dangling wires in your brain have meaning to you? You
might have the memories still, but they would seem to you like remembering a
dream and so of little consequence.
Your history and the dreams you remember have a lot in common in the
sense that neither of them exists in the world of today. It makes no difference
that your past happened in the real world and your dreams did not. From the
perspective of right now, neither history nor dreams exist. They both round to
zero. You probably already believe your dreams are not important. It’s a small
step to say the same about your history; it once existed as events in the present,
but today your history does not exist. And by virtue of not existing, it does not
touch you.

Imagine a Positive Future

If you struggle to keep your mind in the present and want to avoid negative
thoughts, remember that it isn’t possible to stop your mind from having
thoughts in general. If you succeed in thinking less about your ugly past, new
thoughts will flow in to fill the void. You don’t want those new thoughts to
simply transfer the negativity you feel about the past to negativity about your
future. Put conscious effort into imagining a wildly successful future for
yourself. Picture the outcomes you want. Imagine a future in which everything
goes your way and things turn out amazing.
For most of my life, I avoided negative thoughts about my past by imagining
a future in which I somehow became such a famous cartoonist that the
president of the United States would invite me to visit him in the Oval Office.
That visit happened in 2018, and it ruined my system by making my fantasy
real. I needed a new fantasy. So I upgraded my imaginary future to include
winning a Nobel Prize. I’m not fussy about which one. Science or Peace would
be good.
You can imagine winning a Nobel Prize, too! Imagination is free! And it’s
way better than whatever else you were thinking about. If you prefer
imagining you are winning a sporting event or inventing a new source of clean
energy, those are good, too. Just make sure your fantasy is more engaging than
your imaginary history, so your energy is pulled in that direction.

Delete Sketchy Causation Assumptions

I once believed I was the product of my childhood traumas. I could draw a
straight line from my various bad experiences to the person I am today. It all
seemed so obvious. And I wasn’t the only one who could do this. Everyone
who had ever taken therapy seemed to be able to connect the dots in their lives
as readily as I could. And science supported us. Your past is a big influence on
who you become, they say.
There’s only one problem. As a hypnotist, I know I could persuade you that
your current mental problems—whatever they might be—were caused by the
bee sting you got when you were six. Even if you never got stung by a bee.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you specifically. I think we can all agree
you are too clever to fall for that sort of mental manipulation. I’m talking
about other people. Approximately 20 percent of the public can experience
profound effects from hypnosis, and the rest can get various degrees of
benefits. Interestingly, almost no one believes they are in the 20 percent,
including me.
My point is that humans reflexively assign meaning to things when there is
none. Maybe you are right about which trauma caused you to be the way you
are. But that would be a lucky guess. It is far more likely—given human nature
—that you have a personal problem today and you also had some past traumas,
so you picked one of them and imagined it as the cause of your current woes.
As a kid, I had an irrational fear of drowning. If you asked me why, I would
tell you about a time in my childhood when I was walking across a bridge with
my family and a barge was passing beneath. My father wanted me to see the
barge, so he lifted my toddler body up to the railing to look over. For some
reason, I interpreted that as him trying to throw me over the railing to my
watery death, and it traumatized me. So is that the reason I had an irrational
fear of water?
Probably not.
 In hindsight, it seems more likely I was traumatized by the event because I
was already afraid of drowning. It’s easy to get the causation backwards.
Humans can rationalize just about any current bad behavior as caused by
past traumas. Are you overeating? It was because of that bad experience in
your past. Are you promiscuous? It was that thing in your past. We can
connect anything to anything and sell it to ourselves. Sometimes we might be
right. But in no case does it matter if we’re right. What matters is that if you
tether your current problems to the past, you limit your options for dealing
with the problem. But if you untether your present problems from your past
traumas, you can solve them faster and for good.
If you believe your present self is permanently nailed to your past self and
you can’t change the past, you’re stuck in a negative mindset for solving your
problems. That’s where these reframes help. They’re designed to decouple you
from your anchoring belief that you are pinned to something in the past.
Usual Frame: You are the result of your traumas.
Reframe: You are a random bundle of loose wires.
If you are the result of your traumas, there isn’t much you can do about it in
the short term except wait for the next trauma. But if you release the past and
see your brain as having a bunch of loose wires for no reason, you know what
to do—test each wire and reattach it if appropriate. But how do you do that
with dangling brain-wires?
Here’s how.

Unexpected Superpowers
One of my superpowers is my terrible childhood. I’ll spare you the details, but
I was in substantial physical pain from a health issue every day of it. I solved
that problem by the time I went to college, but that hideous experience made
me nearly invulnerable to discomfort if I needed to do something difficult to
accomplish a goal. Work all weekend? No problem. Rent a windowless room
with a shared bathroom until I could afford better? Easy. Work all day and take
classes at night? Sure. Exercise even on days I feel bad? Let’s get started.
 Once you REALLY know what a bad day feels like, everything else feels
like a walk on the beach. For me, that feeling has never worn off. I can
generally outwork and outlast anyone who had a better childhood. I might be
wrong about that but note how good I feel about myself when I have that filter
on life. And feeling good is what counts.
Perhaps you had an acceptable childhood but suffered some other trauma in
your personal or professional life. I’m about to weaponize that trauma for you.
I hope you use your new power for good.
Usual Frame: My trauma crippled me.
Reframe: My trauma is why I can kick your ass.
Whatever hurts you also makes you different from the people around you.
You might be more alert to danger, less afraid of embarrassment, wiser, more
mature, angrier (in a good way), more determined, more focused, and more
willing to take smart risks. You might even discover that your trauma gives
you a purpose in life, such as helping others avoid similar fates. Trauma takes
much from us, but it never leaves without tipping. Find the power it has given
you and focus it somewhere positive.

PLANNING YOUR LIFE

While it can be good for your mental health to live in the now, I suspect some
people are locked in the now in a way that prevents them from planning for
their own futures. That’s the group who needs this reframe.
Usual Frame: Live in the now.
Reframe: Imagine even your smallest actions influencing your future.
 Earlier today, I took a leisurely three-mile walk to pick up my car from a tire
shop. As I walked, I imagined what my body would look like if I kept up my
current exercise habits. And I realized I do that sort of mental exercise with
nearly everything I do, both big and small:
If I eat something, I imagine my future weight.
If I exercise, I imagine my future muscle structure.
If I learn something, I imagine the doors it will open.
If I walk across a parking lot during the day without wearing a hat, I
imagine going to my dermatologist to deal with the sun damage.
You get the idea. All day long I’m judging my smallest actions for how they
will influence my future, and I make that imagined future visual and specific,
at least as much as my mind can conjure.
I have no idea if my planning reflex is a genetic propensity or if I learned it
from my parents. I have memories of my mother talking about my need to
make the right moves while young to set myself up for the future. I think I was
about twelve when she took me along to drop off some documents with a
lawyer. She wanted me to know what a high-paying job looked like so I could
emulate it. Years later when I chose a college, I picked one that could support a
pre-law career path.
Fortunately for me, I also imagined a future in which winning for my client
usually meant someone on the other side lost. I didn’t want to dedicate my
adult life to a profession in which nearly every client is unhappy and half of
them end up more so depending on which side “wins.” So I changed my plans
and decided to become a banker long enough to learn how to someday launch
my own business. After I set that general direction for myself, every action I
took from then on had to fit my path—or at least not detract from it. Every bite
of food I ate, every step I ran for cardio, and every skill I acquired was in
service of my entrepreneurial future either directly or indirectly.
I’m trying to be transparent about the fact that I might be a weirdo when it
comes to how much I planned and visualized my future. Still, my hypnosis
experience tells me anyone can build a habit of connecting their current actions
to their future outcomes. It’s a Pavlov’s dog situation, meaning you can
program any mammal’s brain to have a specific response to a specific
stimulus. Works with dogs and works with humans.
Imagine you spend a few days setting random alarms on your phone to
remind you to ask yourself how your current actions serve your future self. If
the alarm goes off when you’re eating junk food, you imagine yourself less
healthy in the future, and that triggers you to correct course. If the alarm goes
off while you’re searching for classes to upgrade your talent stack in a clever
way, that’s perfect. I speculate that you can teach yourself to mentally project
into the future even your smallest decisions. If you repeat the process enough
times, it should become automatic, just as Pavlov’s bell triggered the dogs to
salivate before they saw food.
I don’t know if you need to set random alarms to build this kind of habit or
if you can remember to ask yourself how all your actions create a path to your
preferred future. Everyone is different, so experiment with a few systems of
your own to remind yourself to imagine how your current actions will ripple
into the future.

Irrational Fears
You probably know someone who is afraid of flying but not afraid of riding a
bicycle. That’s an example of reading the risks wrong. Flying is far safer than
biking. It just looks or feels as if it would be more dangerous.
You probably knew that. Even the imaginary person in my example knew it.
But knowledge isn’t good enough to conquer anyone’s fear of flying. If it
were, no one would be afraid of flying. If you want to rewire your mind to fix
an irrational fear, logic won’t get it done. You must fight fire with fire. You
need something irrational and sticky, just like the irrational fear you are
targeting for eviction.
Now, what would be a tool to fix your thinking that is irrational but works
anyway?
Answer: Reframes.
In our imaginary example, I would not target the fear of flying even if that is
the only problem on the table. I would instead target the general idea that one
can evaluate risks by looking at a situation and using common sense. This
reframe will take some explaining, so stick with me.
Usual Frame: Safe things are safe. Dangerous things are dangerous.
Reframe: Safe-looking things can be dangerous. Dangerous-looking things
can be safe.
Consider the scene shown in the photo. I took the picture while writing this
chapter. Young people are climbing jagged rocks up a perilous path to reach a
spot from which they can jump into the ocean below. The top of the rocks,
where jumpers go, looks to be about as high as the roof of a two-story house.
In the water below are some swimmers watching the show, while snorkelers
happily swim past the rocks looking for turtles and whatnot. Below the surface
on most days are scuba excursions that travel around that cliff to their
preferred destinations and back.
Question: Which group has the highest risk?

If I hadn’t already primed you, you might have said the people making the
perilous journey to the top of the cliff are taking the greatest risk. Or perhaps
the scuba divers because they have the risk of equipment failure underwater.
Or maybe you think the spectators floating in the waters below are in danger of
being struck by a jumper.
But it turns out that snorkeling is (probably) the most dangerous activity in
this photo precisely because it seems the safest. Weak swimmers with snorkel
equipment are tempted to go too far past the cliff without realizing how hard it
might be to get back. It’s a safe-looking activity that is dangerous. I know this
from personal experience. I’m reasonably fit, and I had to push hard to get
back.
The non-snorkeling swimmers below the cliffs lazily float out to that
viewing area and back. They don’t risk the frothier waters.
The scuba divers and the cliff jumpers have the most dangerous-looking
activities, but they can see that risk as clearly as you can. So they take extra-
extra-extra care. They take so much care, they turn it into the safest thing
happening at the beach.
Commercial air travel is similar. You can be forgiven for thinking it looks
dangerous because it is, after all, a gigantic metal tube in the sky that is stuffed
with humans and flown by a guy who just had a fight with his girlfriend and . .
. she is the copilot on your flight. Or something like that. You get the point.
The whole “flying” situation feels super-sketchy.
And that’s why it isn’t.
There would be no air travel if engineers and managers had not beaten the
risk out of it until it is now one the safest things you can do.
The reframe I suggested is just something to repeat to yourself every time
you are assessing risk: “Safe-looking things can be dangerous. Dangerous-
looking things can be safe.” Keywords: “can be.”
The proposition here is that making it a habit to repeat the reframe every
time you assess risks will, over time, make it your default first-take in the
future. All it takes to reprogram your brain is focus and repetition. It doesn’t
take truth or logic. Just repeat the phrase every time you get reminded of it and
let the rest happen on its own.
If you don’t think simple repetition of phrases can program a brain, just look
at anyone on the opposite side of politics from you. Don’t those people look to
you as if they have been programmed with mindless slogans that don’t have
any grounding in fact or logic?
They think the same thing about your team, whatever one that happens to be.
And you’re both right. Ninety percent of political thought is phrase repetition.
The good news for you is that reading this book will ensure your place in the
10 percent who know it.
So the next time you see a political story in the news, ask yourself if
someone is trying to tell you a safe thing is dangerous or a dangerous thing is
safe. That’s pretty much all of politics. Politicians and pundits convince their
base to evaluate risk incorrectly by programming them with repeated phrases.
That’s all it takes. Political persuasion is more powerful than the public
understands.
Use that power for yourself. If you want your brain to act differently, remind
it to do so with sticky, repeatable phrases. Over time, they become permanent
structures in your mind. You are the author of your own experience.

Where Happiness Comes From

Have you noticed people seem less happy in recent years? Science suggests
social media is making us sadder, and one assumes the news in general isn’t
helping. The only good coming out of this realization is that we get to reframe
our experience of happiness in a more useful form.
Usual Frame: Happiness comes from within.
Reframe: Use the external world to program your brain for happiness.
If you think happiness is just something happening inside your head, you are
simultaneously right and in the wrong place for a solution. The way to
reprogram your brain is by learning to treat your environment as a user
interface for your brain.
Do you feel grumpy when you haven’t eaten lately? Try eating something.
Suddenly you don’t feel so grumpy. That’s an example of using the physical
environment to program your brain.
You already know the obvious ways to improve your mood by manipulating
external things:
 Eat when hungry.
Sleep when tired.
Exercise when stressed.
Have sex when you’re in the mood.
Work (the productive kind).
If you get the Big Five right, you’re probably happier than the people who
don’t. Personally, I don’t enjoy sleeping, and I snack on healthy food all day
long, so I don’t watch those two variables when tracking my happiness. But I
do find a direct correlation between my happiness and the number of these
three things I get done in my day:
Exercise
Sex
Work
If I do two-out-of-three of those, no matter which two, I have a “good” day.
If I do all three, it’s a great day. If I only do one of those three—even if it’s the
most fun activity on the list—I feel hollow by bedtime. The good news is that
my two-out-of-three formula for happiness is achievable on most normal days.
Your personal formula for happiness might add or subtract a few items
compared to my list. But if you find your “Big Three” by experimenting and
paying attention to outcomes, you can easily turn bad days into good. Just see
what is missing on your checklist and go get it. I can’t tell you how many bad
days I turned into good ones by exercising when I didn’t feel one hundred
percent in the mood. I just knew it was one of my big three needs, and I knew
how to meet it.
Let’s also add beauty to the list of external happiness inducers. When I
checked into the hotel in which I am writing this sentence, I had two room
options at the same price. One room had the vibe of a prison cell, and the other
was like being in paradise. Same price, just different layout and design. (I
chose the paradise one.) In general, when I’m in a physically beautiful place, I
feel good, and when I’m in a visually barren place, I feel worse. Managing
exposure to beautiful spaces is a simple way to boost your happiness.
 If you’re looking for an explanation of why my top three or top five
variables create happiness, my hypothesis is that acting in ways that are
compatible with your biological imperatives creates happiness as the reward. I
believe we evolved to find meaning and happiness in mating—and not much
else—because that’s all any species needs to survive. A species only needs to
be successful at making extra copies of itself. Everything else is less important.
So it stands to reason that when you do anything related to the mating
instinct, you feel a sense of meaning and happiness. Any time you‘re dating,
having sex, flirting, or raising kids, you are involved with the mating instinct.
Those examples are obvious. But I extend that instinct to include the modern
version of hunting and gathering, i.e., going to work and later buying
groceries. I also include exercise because it makes us healthier, which is
critical to mating success. That’s why my happiness seems to be directly
related to whether I productively worked, exercised, or had sex that day. Those
keep me most closely tethered to my mating instinct even though I have no
biological children. I also suspect that learning anything useful is related to the
mating instinct because it signals you as a more capable provider.
I extend the concept of being close to your mating instincts to all forms of
showing off because that also seems related to mating. If you win a big
competition, you generally feel great all day. That’s the mating instinct. You
just signaled to the world the quality of your genes by winning something in a
competitive situation.
You won’t need endless examples to see the pattern. Lots of things we do
every day are directly or indirectly related to our mating instincts. So ask
yourself how closely related to your mating instinct is your daily experience. If
you spent the day fixing a problem with your insurance coverage—and not
much else—that won’t make you happy. Find a way to get closer to the mating
instinct, without necessarily having children if that isn’t your calling. You’ll be
surprised how well it works to boost your mood. And if having kids is your
thing, the country will thank you because we have a baby shortage at the time
of this writing.
You might recognize my reframe about using your environment to program
your mind as similar to Dr. Jordan Peterson’s recommendation to “clean your
room” if you don’t know where else to start improving your situation. On first
exposure to the idea, it sounds trivial to the process of success. Surely there are
plenty of successful packrats with hoarder-like workspaces. But if you are not
already on your way to success, cleaning your room is a great exercise in
gaining control over your environment on a small scale. Any micro-progress in
the right direction is likely to give you energy for more. That’s the direct way
that cleaning your room helps—success breeds success—and no matter how
small you start, success can build on itself.
There is another way to frame cleaning your room that you might prefer.
This reframe recognizes the physical environment as part of your mind, even if
not physically connected to your brain. When you put your body in an
organized and pleasant environment, your mind picks up that vibe. If your
room or workspace looks like a garbage truck exploded, your mind will be
distracted by the chaos. I use this reframe.
Usual Frame: My mind is in my brain.
Reframe: My mind includes my brain, body, and physical environment.
Any change to one changes the others.
If your mind isn’t giving you what you want, reprogram it by making
changes to your body (diet, exercise, location, light, etc.) or changes to your
physical environment (clean your room, get some outdoor time, etc.). You’ll
need more than that, but these are always a good place to start.
In my house, I have different rooms to stimulate different parts of my brain.
My Man Cave in the garage is designed for creativity. Every object in the room
is chosen by me to have that impact. For example, being near my newly
cleaned whiteboard automatically stimulates the idea-generating part of my
brain. That’s called a key in hypnosis jargon. When you pair a mental state
with something physical and repeat often, the physical thing (the key) will
trigger your mind into the state it associates with the object. That’s why your
dog goes nuts when you reach for the leash. The leash is a key. Train yourself
the same way but without the leash part.
You can’t think your way to happiness. If you want to fix your mind, you
will have to move something, do something, learn something, or change
something. If you don’t know where to start, start anywhere you can. The
important thing is to act. You’ll figure out the rest as you go. That’s how most
of life works—you figure out what works by doing it wrong until you know
how to do it right.

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 CHAPTER 4

Social Life Reframes

I grew up in a small town in upstate New York and somehow avoided learning
any social skills until I was an adult. I scrambled for decades to figure out the
rules of healthy social interactions. I won’t claim I mastered the art, but I can
save you about forty years of embarrassment by summarizing much of what I
learned in a series of reframes. This chapter includes all the reframes I wish I’d
heard when I was a young man.

BE YOURSELF
A popular notion is that we all have some core nature that is good and valuable,
and everyone else will see it, too, if we just act natural. “Be yourself,” the wise
ones tell us. And if someone doesn’t like it, too bad!
It’s hard to pick the single worst advice ever given, but “be yourself” is in the
top five. Would it kill you to work toward being a better version of yourself?
When I got rich making the Dilbert comic in the 1990s, people asked me if I
thought wealth would change me. I usually laughed and said, “I hope so. That
was the point.” I wanted wealth to make me feel successful, fulfilled, happy,
less stressed, and even healthier. And I hoped it would make me feel less selfish
and more inclined to help those less fortunate. I think all of that happened and
on schedule.
I once believed that “aging” would be all bad starting at around age thirty.
I’m writing this at age sixty-five and can report that I have been wrong for
thirty-five years straight. I suppose my basic personality has been consistent
over time, but I’ve clearly evolved into a different sort of creature, and I like the
change. I wouldn’t go back to any of my younger days. Imagine if I thought
“being myself” back then was a good life strategy. I can’t imagine the outcome.
Instead, I took the attitude that self-improvement is available in abundance, so I
grabbed all I could grab, as often as I could grab it.
 Usual Frame: Be yourself.
Reframe: Become a better version of yourself.
When people tell me they “dress for themselves” as opposed to impressing
others, I assume they’re either lying or unaware of how humans are wired.
Dressing for yourself feels like the worst fashion strategy of all time. Instead,
dress for the impact you want to have on others. Whatever that is.
Which of these two things will feel better:

1. Attracting a potential mate whom you marry, have three kids, and live
a wonderful life.

or . . .

2. Walking past a mirror and thinking, “Damn, I look good to only me.”

Okay, I might have inserted some bias into those choices. But I think you get
the idea. How you present yourself will have an enormous impact on how
others treat you. People are shallow and visual. That means you will have better
social interactions if you dress for other people, not yourself. And ultimately,
your relationships are the building blocks of your long-term happiness. Manage
them with care. Self-esteem is important, too. But it’s only one building block
to better personal relationships. If you were all alone in the world, no amount of
self-esteem is likely to make you happy. You need other people for that.
Would you like a surefire way to boost your self-esteem? I have a suggestion:
Make others respect you. You already know how to get that done: Take care of
your health, finances, family, and be kind to others. That’s about it. If you do
the basics, respect comes easily. And that’s 80 percent of what you need for a
healthy sense of self.
For the remaining 20 percent of your self-esteem, go ahead and beat yourself
up for not being better. That’s a productive tension, which can help pull you
where you want to go. We humans don’t do well when all our problems are
solved. Be thankful for any useful irritation that is getting you on your feet and
making you try harder. Don’t lose that.
Usual Frame: Learn to love yourself as you are.
 Reframe: Be glad your brain is pestering you to improve.
Imagine the self-critical voice in your head as one part of you that is talking
to the rest of you . . . and then don’t take yourself too seriously. You do your
best work when you are self-critical. Attacking your own self-esteem is an
example of you operating perfectly. You wouldn’t want it any other way. Self-
criticism is how you power up to make the changes you want to make.

GIVING ADVICE
In the course of your daily life, you will encounter people who ask for advice as
well as people who don’t ask for your advice but you are sure you need it.
Resist the urge. Use this reframe instead.
Usual Frame: This person needs my advice.
Reframe: This person might need some information, empathy, or some help
organizing their thoughts.
Given my flawed character, if you were to offer me advice, I might respond
in a defensive way. My first instinct would be to tell you why your advice is
worse than whatever I was already doing. If I accept your advice, it will make
me feel dumb for not solving the problem on my own. I might feel as if I moved
down a rung on the social ranking. I hate getting advice even though my
cartooning career depended on it. As I mentioned, I’m flawed. I’m also typical.
People don’t respond well to advice, sometimes even when they ask for it. It’s a
normal human thing.
Instead of advice, suppose you asked me if I’m aware of a new study that
could change my decision. I like learning new things, especially stuff that is
relevant to my life. I would see your mention of the study as helpful, and I
would be likely to research the new information on my own to confirm it.
That’s how I would turn your advice to me into my advice for myself. If you
frame your advice as nothing more than an offer of information, I will happily
accept it. Later I will feel as if I made my own decision, perhaps influenced by
what you told me.
A method I use that does not involve giving advice is asking questions about
a person’s thought process and priorities. If I can prompt you to describe how
your plans make sense and you struggle, you are likely to self-correct without
my annoying advice. The gaps in your logic will be apparent to you as you
discover you can’t describe your idea coherently.
Also, be aware that people enjoy complaining—and being heard—more than
they like getting advice, even if they ask for it. Sometimes the best way to help
is to be an empathetic listener. I’ll trust you to read the room and know when
listening is the best strategy for being helpful.

HANDLING COMPLAINTS
In my teens, I worked at the Sugar Maples Resort in upstate New York, and I
learned a valuable lesson from my boss. One of my jobs involved working the
front desk and taking complaints from customers on various imperfections in
their rooms. My boss told me my job was to write down the complaint in front
of the guests on a form titled “Work Order.” That’s how the guest would feel
“heard.” And I could tell from the guests’ reaction that it worked. They always
acted as if they had successfully completed a task. They left the front desk
happy.
The flaw in their plan is that many of their complaints were logically or
practically impossible to fix. That didn’t matter, as my boss explained. He told
me some guests just enjoy complaining, so if you listen to them, they’re happy.
You don’t even need to fix their problem. The “being heard” part is what
matters more to some guests.
We fixed whatever was fixable, but that was maybe half the complaints. As
events played out, my coworkers and I started competing to see who could
crumple up and toss the Work Order form in the trash the fastest before the
guest got too far away. Only one guest heard the crinkling and challenged my
coworker about it. I think he said he discarded something else.
Usual Frame: People who complain want solutions.
Reframe: Some people who complain just enjoy complaining.
The practical implication of this reframe is that you need to know what
people want, not what they ask for. If you deal with enough complainers, you
soon learn which ones are doing it for their own entertainment, or to feel
powerful, and which ones have valid problems in need of fixing. There is no
obvious way to know in advance the motivation for people’s complaints. But
you can usually figure it out if you look for a pattern in which the complainer
puts more energy into the complaint than the solution.

TOXIC PEOPLE
You might have someone in your life who has a so-called “strong personality.”
That’s one way to put it. But if you accept that frame, you’re probably already a
victim or will be soon. If someone with a “strong personality” does something
messed-up that affects you, you might be tempted to chalk it up to that strong
personality.
Don’t do that.
“Strong personality” is usually a nice way to say a person is toxic. And in my
experience, toxic people can’t change. They have a different reward system,
which means they’re acting rationally according to their priorities. For example,
your reward system might involve feeling good because you helped someone. A
toxic person would be rewarded by watching you fail so they feel superior.
The only known way to deal with toxic people is to remove them from your
life and block them on all social media. Don’t fall for the trap that if you fix
their current problems, it will be smooth sailing. Toxic people never run out of
current problems.
Usual Frame: This person has a strong personality. I must become stronger
to deal with it as an equal.
Reframe: This person is toxic. I must escape now.
 The universe is very old. In all that time, no one has ever expelled a toxic
person from their life and regretted it. You will not be the first. It’s one of the
few things in life that works every time.

COMPLIMENTS

Giving a compliment is an easy way to improve your life experience. When you
offer a sincere, unsolicited compliment, people remember it. They have a better
feeling for you and are more likely to hire you, befriend you, marry you, trust
you, buy from you, and just about anything else with you. Most people get zero
compliments during a normal day. If you’re the one who breaks that streak, you
will be remembered in a positive way.
But what’s the downside?
In America, at the time of this writing, the downside is that any compliment
from a male over the age of twelve can be construed as suspicious, especially in
a work environment. Your culture might be different. I trust you to know when
a compliment is appropriate. Outside the workplace, the risk of complimenting
a person is low. I’ve been complimenting people my entire life, and I don’t
recall a negative outcome. It’s one of the lowest-risk ways to get “free money”
that this reality offers. And by free money, I mean you give people a good
feeling about you.
Usual Frame: Giving compliments is awkward, creepy, or manipulative.
Reframe: Withholding a compliment is almost immoral.
Life can be challenging for even the luckiest among us. One unexpected
compliment can turn someone’s day around. And it costs you nothing to deliver
your little verbal bouquet of niceness. If you have a positive thought about
someone, let it out.
But don’t be weird about it. I favor the drop-and-leave approach, which I
encourage you to borrow. It involves dropping a thick compliment and
immediately changing the subject before your target has a chance to feel
awkward or even respond. If you compliment and then linger on the topic, your
target will either feel awkward or act humble and deny the truth of it. When you
do the drop-and-leave method, the compliment is delivered, and no one has
time to feel awkward. Mission accomplished. Only use the drop-and-leave
when you don’t know the person well enough to know how they will take a
compliment. Someone you know well, such as your spouse, might want you to
linger after a compliment, maybe suss out some details, view it from multiple
angles—that sort of thing. You’ll know when to linger.

DISCOVERING YOUR SEX APPEAL

If you are universally attractive, you won’t need this reframe. But most of us
could use some help.
Usual Frame: No one seems to find me attractive.
Reframe: I haven’t met enough people.
Instead of thinking about the 90 percent of people who are not attracted to
your type (just to pick a number), think about the 10 percent who are. In my
case, that means women who prefer smart men who are not likely to play in the
NBA. If I meet a hundred women, maybe ten will care about my mind more
than my appearance, age, or whatever. That’s a lot.
If settling for 10 percent sounds like a weak consolation prize, consider that
even the most popular musical acts in the world are enjoyed by no more than 10
percent of the global public. If you can make 10 percent of the public like you
—for any reason—you’re going to be rich. That’s how I got rich with the
Dilbert comic. About 10 percent of the public likes it. That’s all I needed to
become one of the most successful comic strip creators in history.
Your best strategy for attracting people for romance is to work hard on your
fitness and diet. If you get those right, you’ll be one of the most attractive
people in your environment, especially after the age of thirty. A woman once
told me that any man with a job and a gym membership is already in the top 20
percent of desirable men. You can move to the top 10 percent by focusing on
your fitness and your fashion—and by fixing your haircut.
The power of the 10 percent strategy is that it tells you exactly what to do if
things aren’t working out for you in the romance department: Meet more
people. That’s the whole strategy. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Play a sport,
join a club, change jobs, whatever it takes. If you increase the number of people
who know you, your odds of finding a match go way up. So forget about being
attractive to everyone. Just use math to solve your problem: Meet more people
any way you can.
My understanding is that dating apps only work for some types of people—
generally the better-looking amongst us. As an unattractive person, I can
confirm that no one ever asked to meet me because of my looks. But in person,
I can present myself in a better light. Most people reading this book are in the
same boat. The solution is to add more people to that boat so your odds of
meeting someone the organic way are higher.
That said, meeting new people isn’t enough. You also need to signal some
genetic advantages to get yourself a date.
Usual Frame: I need to go find someone to be my romantic partner.
Reframe: I need to signal my genetic advantages to attract a romantic
partner.
Combining the two reframes in this chapter, your best strategy is to meet new
people in a way that allows you to show off your skills, which translates in the
minds of others to genetic advantages. And genetic advantages are what trigger
people into wanting to mate with you. For example, if you’re good at sports,
join a co-ed sports team. If you’re a good musician, find a way to perform in
public, including playing the piano at a party, for example.
You don’t need a whole basket of obvious genetic advantages to attract a
mate. Consider a rock star who has musical ability but is a loser in every other
way. That guy has plenty of mating opportunities because the musical talent
registers as a genetic advantage, even if it was nothing more than an average
natural ability boosted by practice alone.
 If you’re looking for an easy starting point for meeting new people, join a
gym and work on your fitness. If you build some muscles and lose some fat,
and enough people see your apparent genetic advantages, your odds of finding
a romantic partner go way up.

DECIDING WHERE TO EAT

I have no idea if things work differently in the LGBTQ+ community when
negotiating where to eat, but to keep the writing simple, I’ll describe a generic
straight couple who frankly bore me.
There are two things a woman wants in a man:

1. A decisive man who takes charge.

2. Total dominion over dining decisions.

As you can imagine, this daily recurring nightmare causes a problem for a
hungry man. He must make a dining decision via the process of taking charge
while also not doing anything of the sort. If the man approaches this trap as a
decision that must be made between two willing parties, he will be doomed to
frustration. But if that clever man reframes the situation, it will be easy to
navigate it.
Usual Frame: I’m trying to make a dining decision with a crazy person.
Please shoot me.
Reframe: It’s not about food. It’s about the illusion of control.
Here’s how the man in this situation can solve the problem of taking charge
and not taking charge at the same time: He can offer two restaurant choices—
presumably out of many—and ask his partner to pick one. Narrowing the
choices to two solves the “taking charge” part because it shows initiative while
also providing some choice—but not too much—to his partner. Barry Schwartz,
author of The Paradox of Choice, tells us that people become unhappy if they
have too many options. The more options you have, the more likely you will be
filled with self-doubt about whether you chose correctly. And I observe that to
be the case. Whenever people have too many options, they get stressed out. If
you don’t believe me, look at the faces of diners who are going to the
Cheesecake Factory for the first time. The menu is the size of a dictionary. No
one appears to be happy when they’re looking at it.
Okay, I know the imaginary woman in my example will reject both restaurant
choices. But she will probably also make her own suggestion at that point, and
the clever man accepts it immediately. Problem solved: The woman observes
the man taking charge and doing something useful—narrowing the choices to
two. Then when the woman rejects both choices and suggests one she would
like instead, she also gets the dining option of her choice. The man gets a win
for taking initiative, and he typically doesn’t care too much where he ends up
eating. Everyone wins.
Framing the situation as a question of control instead of a food decision
opens new options for a solution, including tweaking the decision-making
process by narrowing the choices to two. In contrast, framing the struggle as
trying to make a rational dining decision with an irrational partner doesn’t give
you much to work with.
Before you start emailing me, I am aware that not all people are alike and that
you are especially awesome and easy to work with. But I think more than a few
readers of this book are living this dining-decision nightmare and will be happy
to try my reframe.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of a “Where do you want to eat?”
question, you need a different reframe. You might think that not hogging the
decision to yourself is a polite position to take. But it probably isn’t because the
asker might have wanted to share responsibility with someone for the decision.
Not much good can come from, “I don’t care.”
A better way to frame that situation is that the asker wants a copilot for the
decision, and nothing will happen until that position is filled. Here is the
reframe.
Usual Frame: I need a decision.
Reframe: I need a copilot to share the blame.
My mother taught me this reframe. Sometimes it isn’t about the choice.
Sometimes it’s about finding a way to move forward. Never say you don’t care;
just choose. Everyone will be glad you did, and you will appear to be a leader.
If someone doesn’t like your choice, they’ll probably let you know.
 Of all the reframes in this book, the dining decision reframe has the most
universal application. Most of us deal with the “Where do you want to eat?”
trap. You’ll be amazed how well this solves it.
These reframes work for any choice in which your honest answer would be “I
don’t care.” It isn’t limited to food. The method can work in a variety of
professional and personal situations.
The first time you try one of these reframes, you will probably silently thank
me in your mind. And I will silently say, “You’re welcome” because I can sense
these things.
 HUMOR
If you are not naturally funny, wouldn’t it be nice to know how to create
humor? Everyone likes a good laugh.
Most humor comes from referencing a known pattern and then violating that
pattern in a clever and surprising way. For example, when characters act against
their stereotypes—a common humor formula—the stereotypes are the pattern
being violated. An example would be a cute bunny rabbit that is also a deadly
assassin.
Standup comics often create jokes by first describing what one group of
people can get away with in society, then violating the pattern with “imagine
me trying that.” For example, the comic might describe some bad behavior a
celebrity allegedly got away with and follow with an “imagine if” story in
which the comic tries the same behavior as the celebrity, but it doesn’t work
out.
In movies, a common plot device is the “fish out of water.” That’s another
way to say a quirky character is dropped into a situation for which they are not
equipped, and hilarity ensues. That too is a form of pattern violation that creates
humor.
People who don’t write jokes for a living often describe humor as “bad things
happening to other people” or “tragedy plus time” or simply a matter of
“surprise.” But that level of description doesn’t help you write your own jokes,
which is what I want for you. You might find it helpful to reframe humor as
pattern violation because that gives you a starting point for writing a joke about
anything.
Here’s the humor reframe.
Usual Frame: The usual patterns hold (non-humor).
Reframe: The usual patterns are violated (humor).
You get extra energy from a joke if the pattern you are violating is one in
which the people in power—or polite society in general—don’t want violated.
That’s why it’s so easy to write jokes about a cop who doesn’t follow the rules,
the lawyer who can’t lie for his client, the doctor with the unpleasant bedside
personality, or the soulmate who is a monster. If you start with a pattern
violation, writing the jokes that go with it is easy.
Pattern violation isn’t the only way to write humor, but the other methods
don’t give you such an obvious starting point. Just ask yourself what is the most
common and expected way for a given character—your coworkers, your family,
professionals, anyone—to act and see what happens if they do the opposite. It’s
usually funny before you even write the joke.
Do you remember a story about a mail carrier who was taking home all the
mail he was supposed to be delivering? That’s funny from the start because he
did the opposite of delivering the mail. He violated the mail carrier pattern.
You can also create humor by calling out a common pattern of human
behavior that no one has yet mentioned. Recently, a friend mentioned the angst
of discovering a hole in one sock and feeling guilty for even considering
discarding the surviving sock simply because it no longer had a partner. If you
have ever had that sock-empathy thought, you probably laughed. Topics that are
familiar to you but not already picked over by comedians will work best.
As you see from the examples, you can create humor by OBSERVING
human patterns—and calling them out—or by VIOLATING human patterns. If
you’re using the observing method, you can generally only refuel your
creativity in an accidental way—by noticing something in your normal day. If
you take the approach of violating a pattern, you automatically have a starting
point and the germ of an idea for how to proceed.
Side Note: Pattern violation is also one of the top recommendations for
making memorable presentations. If you have a theme for your slides, violate
the theme on the slide that is the one you most want your audience to
remember. Pattern violations—like a stain on a white tablecloth—capture your
attention, and that’s exactly what you need to create memories and have impact.
Weirdly, the other most common way to create humor is by writing characters
who are acting exactly as you would expect if you were a bigot of some sort.
For example, the Dilbert comic character is an engineer, so you would expect
him to act a certain way because you are a bigot—you assume he is a socially
awkward geek. I can get away with gentle mocking of engineers because I
revere them, and I’m a professional humorist who knows where the boundaries
are. You probably don’t want to target any group to which you do not belong.
And even if you are part of that group, it’s probably better to play it safe.
Imagine the next person you encounter doing exactly the opposite of what
their personality would suggest. It will probably make you laugh. And now you
know how to create humor.

MARRIAGE
We like to think of love as the process of finding a soulmate. That’s a fun,
romantic way to frame it. But realistically, humans can fall in love with
whoever is nearby and willing (within reason). And we do, for better or for
worse.
But a new view of marriage is gaining traction in some circles. By this view,
marriage is about finding someone who AGREES to be your partner and
protector for life. Obviously, you want to be compatible in all the ways you can,
but the highest priority in this new model is the promise you make to each
other, not the love, and not the soulmate part.
You want to have love, and you want to feel your partner is your soulmate.
But romantic love and lust have a way of fading over time, no matter how
diligent you are about keeping things fresh. Promises are different. A promise
kept for a long time becomes more valuable, not less. And a promise to look
after each other until death do you part is the ultimate valuable thing for a
human. Look for a partner you can love, but on top of that, make sure you find
someone who values a promise.
Usual Frame: Marriage is about finding your soul mate.
Reframe: Marriage is about finding love with someone who values promises.
As my critics delight in noting, I’m the last person who should be giving
marriage advice. I’m zero-for-two in that department. I have sufficient self-
awareness to recommend you avoid whatever I was doing. But this might be a
situation in which my overclocked self-esteem can help you. I’ll tell you the
reframe I use to excuse my own marriage failures. It can help you, too. It goes
like this.
 Usual Frame: Marriage is a great system, so if your marriage fails, that
means one or both of you messed up.
Reframe: So many marriages ending in divorce proves that marriage is a
poorly designed system.
To be clear, marriage is a great system for some percentage of the general
population. I don’t think that percentage is greater than 25 percent or so, based
on my lifetime of observation. People are different. We wouldn’t thrive in the
same jobs, the same sports, or even the same weather. We don’t like the same
music, food, or pets. It should be no surprise that the institution of marriage fits
some people perfectly while failing others.
Monogamous marriage-for-life is a pre-Internet system and mainstay of
human civilization for quite some time. During its glory days, traditional
marriage made sense because men and women brought different things to the
marriage—things the other could not easily provide. But in the age of equality,
every individual can handle a solo life without that much special effort. No
mate needed. For that group, marriage is designed to fail. And by that I mean a
spouse will generally, over time, start to look worse than a coworker, friend, or
almost anyone else. Everyone but your spouse has the advantage of being able
to show only their good side. Spouses don’t have that option. That’s why they
can’t compete.
Marriage would work better if people didn’t have easy Internet access to
alternatives, but they do. The system guarantees that a couple will start to look
increasingly flawed to each other while serving up unlimited mating
alternatives—and worse—endless love stories of fictional people who are
happily married and always romantic.
I often advise “follow the money” when trying to predict anything. With
marriage, there can often be financial incentives to divorce, especially for the
person who brings the least financial strength to the marriage. If one partner can
leave a suboptimal marriage and take a good chunk of money, and maybe get an
automatic babysitter during the shared custody years, that makes divorce feel
like a practical option, if not desirable. I don’t believe many people divorce for
money alone, but “follow the money” predicts better than you wish it would. Be
realistic if you plan to take a marriage path. That’s all I suggest.
 BREAKUPS
If you live a normal life, you will probably experience several breakups. They
will hurt. I have some experience in this domain and can share my most
effective reframes. Realistically, time is the only healer, but you might be able
to handle the recovery better with some useful reframes.
Usual Frame: I want my relationship to last forever.
Reframe: Nothing lasts forever.
Best case scenario, you spend your lives together until one of you watches the
other die of age-related problems. Life is not designed to give you a happy
ending. And nothing lasts forever. As awful as this sounds—and it is awful—
the sooner you embrace doom as inevitable, the sooner you can stop worrying if
things will work out for you in the end. In the long run, all businesses will fail,
all governments get replaced, and all humans expire. If humans did not
experience loss, we would have no capacity for joy. And you and I want joy.
Here’s another reframe I found useful.
Usual Frame: This breakup ends my hopes for happiness.
Reframe: There are happier third marriages than first.
I have no idea if that is true, and I don’t plan to research it because accuracy
is not an active ingredient in reframes. Anecdotally, people in their third
marriages do seem happier, and that’s good enough for me. If you have never
observed that pattern, perhaps this reframe is not for you. But if you have, tell
yourself the relationship you are leaving was practice. The odds of getting the
right relationship pairing on the first try or even the first several are low. But the
odds of finding one of your million-or-so best potential matches in the long run
are good.
Breakups can signal the beginning of hard times. But just as often, and
perhaps more often, the freedom you gain from a breakup starts to pay off right
away. You will rediscover some of your favorite activities, have more time to
work on fitness and your career, and still upgrade your relationship in time.
Don’t rush it.
Here’s a reframe that captures all of that.
 Usual Frame: I have lost my soulmate.
Reframe: I have a million soulmates I have not yet met.
Not counting online dating, the main place people meet and fall in love is in
the workplace. What are the odds that you and your soulmate ended up working
for the same company? The obvious explanation is that humans can fall in love
with a variety of people. If you are experiencing a breakup, you are not losing
your soulmate. At worst, you are losing one of your million-or-so soulmates.
One of the best reframes for surviving a lost love comes from Dr. Seuss. It
shifts your focus away from wallowing in your own pity to how lucky you were
to have experienced that human connection in the first place. It’s easy to lose
sight of that.
Usual Frame: I am crying because my relationship ended.
Reframe: “Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.” — Dr.
Seuss
My closing advice for this topic is to talk to people who are delighted they
broke up with their exes. They’re easy to find. Most recently divorced people
fall into that category. When you’re in the middle of your breakup recovery
period, feeling happy again can seem impossible. All those now-happy people
thought something similar. Learn something from their numbers.

TALKING TO TEENAGERS
If you are an adult with teens in your home, you have experienced the joy of
trying to reason with them. This generally devolves into you-against-them in a
power dynamic that turns into shouting and tears and bad feelings that can last
days. The teen sometimes has some impact as well.
One solution you might try involves explaining to the teen that everyone
starts life with a young brain, including the two of you. If people are lucky, they
live long enough to have an old brain that is past its expiration date. Somewhere
in the middle are the people most capable of making decisions, and that’s where
the parent happens to be. You wouldn’t want to ignore biology; human brains
are at their best somewhere in the middle of a person’s lifespan, not at either
end.
 Great power comes with great responsibility—to paraphrase Spider-Man—so
it’s your job to keep the teen safe and on the right track, and you take your
responsibility seriously. That’s why you are making the decisions, not the teen.
There’s a reason Americans can’t run for president until age thirty-five. When
it comes to life-and-death decisions, we want the best brains on our side.
Without getting political, there is a good reason citizen are concerned when
their president is over age seventy-five. Beyond that age, citizens can’t be sure
what we’re getting.
That’s the little speech I used with my stepson. Obviously, he never changed
his mind about what he wanted and why, but he understood my reasoning and
had no counter to it. That’s why we got along. I never made it personal, and I
carefully explained why it was in his best interest—like it or not—to do what I
asked or advised him to do. I also never tried to give him advice in a domain he
knew better than I did—such as snowboarding—to keep my story consistent
about who should be making decisions. Had we gone snowboarding together, I
would have followed his lead within reason because that was his domain.
Here’s what it looks like as a reframe.
Usual Frame: A teen can’t understand the “reason” parents have given, and
it turns into a power struggle.
Reframe: The parent is a guide for young brains that are not yet capable of
understanding adult reasons.
Here’s another reframe that can take energy out of the you-versus-them
dynamic. Frame the issue as you being responsible for the teen’s future self, not
the current version of the teen.
Usual Frame: I’m talking to you, teen, and this is between us.
Reframe: I must answer to your future self, not your current self.
The idea is to reframe the conversation as you siding with the teen’s future
self against the current teen whose brain is not yet developed, and I recommend
explaining it that way to the teen. That way, it’s two against one. Tell the teen
you’re raising them to become a successful and happy adult, and that adult will
someday hold you responsible for what you do to their teen self. When the teen
says (and they always do), “I don’t understand why you are making me do
this!” you can simply answer that their future self will thank you for not taking
the advice of a minor with a half-baked noodle for a brain. This framing allows
you to take sides with the teen—albeit their future self—against the current
version of the teen who has not yet developed risk management skills. If I tell
you I’m siding with future you, not present you, it’s a bit of a mind-bender. It’s
hard to feel anger toward someone who is taking your side more aggressively
than you are.
By the way, this is an example of embrace-and-amplify persuasion, in which
you take the teen’s side more completely than they take it themselves. They
want to maximize their today selves, usually in some fleeting and selfish way,
whereas you are maximizing their entire lives.
The key to making this reframe work is to remove all emotion from it. Keep
insisting the teen’s future self will be happy you acted the way you are and
agree with the teen when they say they “don’t understand” why you are being
the way you are. Tell them that’s exactly your point—that they don’t yet have
the capacity to understand their long-term best interests, but their future self
will. And you answer to their future self—the complete person—not the half-
done version.
Full disclosure, this might be the weakest reframe in the book, but it might
work better than whatever-the-heck you were doing. Don’t expect any
conversation with teens to end in hugs and gratitude. Teens are still teens. But
you might be able to use the reframe to detach your emotions from the situation,
and that can keep a lid on how heated things get.
Oh, and you probably shouldn’t use the term “half-baked noodle” when
talking to a teen. Throw in some adult words such as maturity, fully developed,
and even actuarial tables if you want to be a showoff. Read the room.
That said, if you’re only in it for your entertainment, wait for the inevitable
teen complaint of “I don’t understand why . . .” and reply with “That’s exactly
my point. If you could understand this situation in full, it would mean you were
ready to make decisions without me. I love you. Do your homework and go to
bed, you rascal.”

WHO HAS THE POWER

I often hear people talk about themselves as powerless pawns in a cruel world.
They see power coming from the government, police, their bosses, and even
their spouses. But power is a tricky thing, and we often see it backwards.
Examples will help my point.
Is an elected politician in charge, or are the voters? You can imagine it both
ways. It depends on the specifics, but voters are never powerless. Neither are
politicians.
Is your boss in charge, or are you? It depends how hard it would be to replace
you. A top engineer in a technical firm probably has more clout than a mid-
level boss.
Now let’s say you meet someone for the first time and the encounter does not
go well. Perhaps the new person is rude or disrespectful. Maybe they are
refusing to be helpful in ways you’d expect any decent person to be. In these
cases, are you being controlled by the stranger?
It feels as if your mood and the quality of your day will be altered by how
this stranger treats you. That gives the stranger a lot of power over you. If you
accept the frame that the other person’s actions and attitude will influence you,
then they will. But you don’t have to accept that frame. You have a better
option.
Usual Frame: People treat you poorly, and you can’t do much about it.
Reframe: You cause people to act the way they do.
I first discovered this reframe in college. I noticed a weird pattern I could not
immediately explain. Whenever I was relaxed, people treated me better. When I
was angry or stressed, others seemed to treat me poorly more often than I liked.
For years, I believed I had been observing a false pattern that I only imagined.
Surely there is no physical mechanism that could make other people nicer just
because I was feeling relaxed. I couldn’t imagine how that would work.
Then I got smarter. Some call it experience.
Eventually, I realized that when I was relaxed and happy, I turned others into
a version of me. They would smile more, engage more, and generally enjoy the
encounter. Once I understood how compatible this view is with science, I
reframed my subjective reality as one in which I influence everyone I meet, but
they barely influence me.
 Is that true? Not exactly. It would be more accurate to say we influence each
other. But truth and logic do not matter for reframes. It only matters that you get
what you want. And this reframe works fabulously for me because it reminds
me to actively “change” the other person into what I need them to be. And what
I usually need people to be is nice to me. That’s all. Nothing special. Just be
respectful and kind. Most people want to be respectful, kind, and happy, so in
my opinion, it’s ethical to persuade them to be more of that.
These days, I define myself as the author of my own experience regarding
how others treat me, not a victim of their whims. In truth, I am both. But I
frame it in a way that makes me feel the best.
You probably know the Bible story of David and Goliath, in which smallish
David slays the “giant” Goliath using nothing but a sling and some stones.
What they don’t normally tell you about the story is that shepherds were both
accurate and lethal with slings, and they didn’t need to be within stabbing
distance to kill. In other words, David was the powerful character in the story,
not the underdog. The story generally gets told the other way around. Humans
have a habit of confusing who has the power in any given situation.
We imagine our bosses—if we have bosses—hold power over us. And that is
clearly true. But if you want a quick education in how much power a boss really
has, try being one. You’ll instantly realize how hard it is to fire someone and
hire someone better. Now pile on the legal protections afforded to employees in
modern times. Then top that off with a frosting of so-called “wokeness” and see
how much power the boss has. Now pack your schedule so you barely have
time to apply any power to any specific situation. Now give that boss a spouse,
two kids, a dog, and a cat.
If you go by the job descriptions alone, a boss has all the power. But in the
real world, whenever someone is happily paying another for some sort of
service, they are often closer to a tie in power. It might be 60-40 in favor of the
boss, but 40 isn’t nothing.
We all have more power than we think. You can’t view your own power
accurately because it’s nearly impossible to fully appreciate the impact you
have on other people. Some examples will help make the point.
When the COVID pandemic broke out in 2020, the Trump administration put
out the word to various smart people that the administration was open to ideas
for Executive Orders—written commands a president signs to get things done
outside the normal lawmaking process. I had some glancing knowledge of the
telehealth business because of a recent startup experience, so I suggested an
Executive Order allowing telehealth calls across state lines, which was until
then not allowed. During a pandemic, this was an obvious rule to change. I
reasoned that it would work well for the public and doctors alike and be hard to
reverse. A few weeks later, President Trump signed the Executive Order—
based on my suggestion that worked its way up through the channels—and a
major impediment to reducing healthcare costs disappeared. So who had the
“power” in that situation, the President of the United States or . . . me? I would
argue that I had the power because the idea was so obviously a good one. And
that’s my point: The person with the best ideas is always in charge. It might not
seem like it. But they are.
How do I know that? Because I’ve been in countless business situations in
which the best idea wins the day. It doesn’t matter who has what job
description. If your idea is the best of the bunch under consideration, you’re in
charge.
Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.
Reframe: The person with the best ideas is in charge.
Why did seventeen-year-old Greta Thunberg have so much influence on the
climate agenda? I’d say it’s because she did the best job of communicating.
That’s another way to grab power from the bottom—be the best at
communicating something the masses want to hear. You’d be shocked and
appalled if you knew how much power a political speechwriter has. That’s a
dirty little secret of politics; speechwriters have great influence on policy
because if it sounds good when spoken, a politician wants to say it. That means
a speechwriter can easily bias a speech by making the catchiest parts support
their worldview.
Usual Frame: The experts are in charge.
Reframe: The best communicator is in charge.
Another source of power is competence. If you’re the most competent person
in each meeting and that fact becomes apparent to others, suddenly you’re in
charge, like it or not. Being competent is an extreme superpower. Everyone
wants to hire you, work with you, promote you, buy from you, have babies with
you, and be your friend. We are drawn to the competent, and that gives them
power.
Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.
Reframe: The most capable people are in charge.
On the downside, competent people end up doing most of the work. That
must be why so many people avoid being competent.
Here’s a reframe that can help you identify powerful influencers before
anyone else sees them coming. You can think of power in the modern world as
the product of persuasion talent multiplied by the size of your audience. If you
are persuasive but no one is listening, that won’t help anyone. And if you have a
big audience but no persuasion training, you are squandering an opportunity.
When you see both—as we observed with both Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and
candidate Donald Trump in 2016—you can easily predict they will have a big
impact.
Usual Frame: The people in charge have the power.
Reframe: Power = (Persuasion skill) x (Audience size)
Now that you’ve been exposed to a few examples of power illusions, you
might find it easier to spot misleading power dynamics on your own. My
default belief in every situation is that I’m the one with the power. I recommend
you start with that assumption, too.

MIND-READING ISN’T REAL

If you have ever experienced something called “a relationship,” you know even
the people closest to you can’t tell what you’re thinking much of the time. And
if you have experienced the horrors of using social media, you know strangers
routinely assign secret motives and nutty opinions to you.
Have you ever been accused of thinking something you were not thinking?
Of course you have. It’s a daily occurrence for some of us. As a public figure,
I’m falsely accused of having terrible motives every day. Literally every day.
This gives me a privileged view of how bad people are at discerning others’
motives based on scant clues.
When I watch Bill Gates get involved with the most pressing issues of our
time, I think he’s trying to help. My assessment of his motives is that he took
care of all his own needs and those of his family, so he is turning outward to
help “the tribe,” which in this case is all of humankind. I see Gates taking on
the nastiest, most intractable problems of our time at great personal cost and
risk. So to me, he appears to have good motives. Obviously, his philanthropy
also gives him cover—in a physical security sense as well as reputationally—so
one could argue his self-interest is the prime motivator. I see his actions as 100
percent compatible with his self-interest and well-intentioned.
Am I right about Gates? I don’t know. I can’t read minds.
Other people look at the same set of facts about Bill Gates and conclude he is
running some sort of global money-making scheme that involves scaring the
public to boost his pharma and nuclear investments, to gain control of the world
to turn us all into masked and sterilized slaves full of fake DNA, or something
like that.
I probably succeeded in convincing you that other people—including me—
are bad at discerning the motives of strangers. But you might still think you are
good at it. And that’s the problem. We all believe we are. At this very moment,
I’m writing a book that tells you people are bad at mind reading, and I know
that to be true. I also know that several times today I will imagine incorrect
motives in the minds of strangers. My only defense is the reframe I keep in my
mind and often repeat.
Usual Frame: I can discern people’s motives by their actions.
 Reframe: Mind-reading isn’t real. Humans are terrible at discerning
motives.
This reframe is more powerful than it seems. Once you tune your brain to
spot instances of “mind-reading” by others, you can push back on their
arguments by reminding people that humans don’t know how to read minds. In
my experience, people retreat from their absurd accusations about you when
you call out their inability to read minds. You might still have to explain your
real motives, but it helps to do a controlled burn of your critic’s magical
thinking about mind-reading before you tell them what you are really thinking.
Try it.

BASKET CASE THEORY

Sometimes it feels as if everyone I know believes they are weird (and they are)
while they also believe most people are non-weird (they are wrong). I call this
the Basket Case Theory. Most of us feel as if we’re hiding a secret when we’re
around so-called normal people because we don’t feel we are normal, so surely
others will notice.
I first learned of Basket Case Theory from a friend and tennis partner when I
was in my twenties. The original context was our dating experiences. We kept
meeting normal women who would, over time, slowly reveal their hidden
traumas and anxieties until we came to see them as Basket Cases (a term
denoting someone with debilitating mental and emotional issues). In time, I
came to see Basket Case Theory as a useful description of all humans, male and
female.
Usual Frame: Most people are normal, but I’m a basket case.
Reframe: Everyone is a basket case once you get to know them.
Basket Case Theory has a lot of utility. It keeps you from getting too starry-
eyed about a new relationship until you see what horrors are in the basket. You
start to develop realistic expectations of other people, which can prevent
disappointment. It also gives you permission to be one of the basket cases
yourself since the whole idea is that no one is exempt.
 Sure, you’re a weirdo. But so am I, and so is everyone else we know, albeit in
different ways. That’s a healthy place to be mentally. It can crush your self-
esteem to imagine people around you as healthy and happy and awesome, but
you’re not. It should ease your mind to realize that once you get to know others
well, their problems are ones you wouldn’t want. We are a civilization of basket
cases pretending to be otherwise. You won’t find an exception. At best, you
might find someone who doesn’t complain too much. I’ve searched my entire
life for the one complete person who hits all the right notes and feels all the
right feelings. As far as I can tell, that person is hiding or does not exist. And I
take comfort in that. I don’t mind being a weirdo in the land of weirdos. It’s
only uncomfortable to be a weirdo if you think others are not.
(Pssst. They are.)
I have a unique window into the basket case phenomenon because I am older
than most readers of this book, so I’ve seen the unbroken pattern for decades. I
also have the type of job that signals to people I’m open-minded and non-judgy.
That means people tell me everything. Even when I don’t want them to. People
confess all manner of crimes to me (serious ones), and they know they’re safe
to do so. They also confess their deepest desires and mental issues because,
again, they’re safe to do so. I start with the basket case assumption about
everyone, so any details I learn about a person won’t change my opinion.
Take it from me: Everyone is a basket case. Some can hide it better than
others. It’s a deeply freeing concept.

JUDGING OTHERS BY THEIR MISTAKES

I already showed you how to make yourself immune to the criticisms of
strangers. Now it’s time to learn how to be less critical of others, for the social
benefits, but also to protect your mental health.
When others make mistakes that complicate our lives, our most common
reaction is anger at the offender. At the same time, we know everyone makes
mistakes for all manner of reasons we don’t understand at the time. If we use
that standard to judge others, it will keep us busy hating half the people we
meet. Worse, you might automatically apply the same standard to yourself and
end up baking a big ol’ self-hatred cake. No one wants a self-hatred cake.
 Rather than judge others by their mistakes, I recommend a different standard:
Judge people by how they respond to their mistakes. That’s a standard you can
hold yourself to with some chance of success.
Usual Frame: Judge people by their mistakes.
Reframe: Judge people by how they respond to their mistakes.
When you observe someone handle their mistakes with confidence and
empathy, fully acknowledging any harm done, you’re seeing the best a person
can do. We can’t expect people to be error-free. But we can certainly ask them
to handle their mistakes with class.
When a person handles their mistakes well, you instinctively trust them. And
you probably should. If you want to be trusted in your own life, that’s a great
model to follow. Make your mistakes, apologize if needed, and announce your
plan for avoiding the same mistake in the future. People will notice.

LATENESS
Do you know anyone whose lateness is so epic that it defies all explanation? If
you ask why they’re late, they might offer reasonable explanations such as
traffic delays or some hold-up at work. But over time, you notice the same
people are always late while others are nearly always on time. That’s probably
not a coincidence.
What’s up with that?
You probably assume the always-late person in your life is incompetent or
uncaring or both. But I’ll bet you can rule out uncaring because the lateness
almost certainly applies when no one pays the price but the perpetrator. And
you can probably rule out ordinary incompetence because people of all
capabilities can be either habitually late or punctual.
I was baffled by the phenomenon of the always-late until I heard an expert
explain that people with ADHD are not “distracted” as we commonly believe;
they have time blindness. They live in the now, meaning they act on the most
interesting or critical thing in their immediate surroundings instead of doing
what they need to do to satisfy their future hopes and plans. They are blind to
the existence of their future selves whenever they’re in the moment.
 For contrast, I’m generally on time for everything. I also have an ability to
visualize imaginary futures in such vivid detail that they influence my
immediate actions. When I do the right things in the present, I see my
imaginary future take shape the way I’d like it. You could say I live in the
future. Intentionally. Here’s the reframe.
Usual Frame: People who are always late are either incompetent or uncaring
or both.
Reframe: Some people have time blindness.
The value of this reframe is that it changes how you feel about the always-
late person. Perhaps it helps them understand themselves, too. The lateness isn’t
personal if it happens in every context. My experience with the always-late
agrees with the experts. No amount of better planning or incentives helps the
always-late because they are not intentionally late; they are oblivious to the
future. It isn’t personal. It’s just how they’re wired. You will have to adapt if
you want them in your life. They would adapt to you if they could.
That said, people are different, and I suspect a gifted hypnotist could help an
always-late person develop a habit that supports punctuality. The trick would be
to add some sort of trigger that can happen in the “now” to connect an always-
late person to their schedule and timeline.
I have a lifelong habit of never being out of sight of a clock or my phone
when I’m getting ready for anything. I check the time reflexively every five
minutes or so and micro-adjust my schedule as I go. I doubt the always-late
impose clocks on themselves as aggressively as the always-punctual. But it
might be a habit that could be developed, perhaps with help.
One of the most useful ways to view human behavior is that we are just as
trainable as dogs. No offense intended to dogs. If you get a reward for a thing
and repeat that pattern, you build a subconscious habit. This is true for any
animal, including you. For example, some dog owners teach their dogs to make
eye contact on a regular basis while walking together to “check in.” You do this
by giving the dog a treat for randomly looking in your direction until the
behavior locks in. Once it locks in, it becomes a habit outside the dog’s
conscious control. In effect, you reprogrammed the dog.
 Now imagine a human with a smartwatch and an app with an avatar of your
choice that does nothing but compliment you and remind you to stay on task
whenever you check the time. Everyone likes compliments, even from
machines. That’s why video games give you rewards for achievements and slot
machines make happy noises for jackpots. Those are forms of compliments, or
affirmations, and they’re addicting. If you could create an addiction for
checking your smartwatch—to get your reward every five minutes—then it
reminded you to get back on task, would that make you less late?
I don’t know. It probably depends on the individual and the quality of the
app. If you want to be late less often, or if you want to help someone else in that
situation, I recommend experimenting to see if you can form an addiction to
some sort of reminder that can become a subconscious habit.
The “poor man’s” version of this would involve complimenting yourself
every time you look at a timepiece, as in, “You are so smart,” or whatever
doesn’t sound weird to your ear. Start by doing your micro affirmation no
matter the reason you notice the time, even if you only saw a clock in your
visual field by chance.
Ideally, you want your compliment to yourself to be something you would
naturally be reminded of in your daily actions. “Smart” works well because
we’re always judging our actions as smart or not. Over time and with repetition,
anything that makes you think of your own intelligence or that of anyone else
should trigger a reflex to check the time.
I am writing this at Starbucks near my home, and I have reflexively checked
their clock a dozen times . . . and they don’t have a clock. But my brain wants
the clock to be right above the service bar. So I keep looking for it, by habit,
about every five minutes. I don’t have a lateness problem, and you can see why.
I doubt ADHD—or whatever causes future blindness—can be cured by
subtraction, as in making it disappear. I think your best bet is to add habits—
like software patches—to tame it.
I had one stepdaughter who got ready for school as soon as she awakened and
used the extra half-hour before the drive to her campus for personal
entertainment. Her sister did the reverse—she sought entertainment when she
woke up and got ready for school just before she needed to leave. Guess which
kid was on time every day and which was often late.
 Having a good system for being on time matters. Perhaps a hypnotist or
counselor of some sort could help an always-late patient build such a system.
Your so-called common sense might tell you that fixing lateness in another
person or even in yourself should be easy. In practice, it might be one of the
hardest traits to rewire. I’ve described some low-effort hacks that might help.
What have you got to lose?

ACTS OF KINDNESS
A quote of mine on kindness from years ago recently went viral. It, too, is a
reframe: “Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act
creates a ripple with no logical end.”
Usual Frame: Small acts of kindness are good.
Reframe: There are no small acts of kindness.
When I was fourteen years old, my neighbor—who used to overpay me for
shoveling the snow off his sidewalk and driveway—showed me a small act of
kindness with some life advice and a delicious Greek pastry. It took about a
minute. That was fifty-one years ago, and I remember it like it was yesterday.
The gentleman passed away decades ago. But he will not be forgotten as long as
I’m still around.
In my early thirties, I wrote a letter to a professional cartoonist, Jack Cassady,
to ask his advice on how to break into the cartooning business. Jack’s advice—
which arrived in two separate letters—probably took him less than an hour in
all to put together. It changed my life forever.
Some years after Dilbert became a huge hit, I was invited to lunch by a young
lawyer who had just launched his own comic strip and wanted some advice on
making it successful. At the time, his comic only ran on one website, and I
don’t think there was much, if any, money involved. I spent ninety minutes of
my life dispensing my best advice as he took notes between bites of lunch. That
young man was (and still is) Stephan Pastis, creator of the hugely successful
comic strip Pearls Before Swine and creator of Timmy Failure, a successful
series of books for kids. Has Pastis paid forward my act of kindness by advising
other young cartoonists?
Of course he has.
There are no small acts of kindness.

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 CHAPTER 5

Physical Health Reframes

I often hear from people on social media that one or more of my reframes on
diet and exercise helped them lose massive amounts of weight, often 40 to
80 pounds or more. This outcome is perhaps the most surprising part of my
career, and I don’t expect you to believe it’s real until you finish this section of
the book. I think you will see the potential right away, and you will know if it
works in only a week or two. It won’t cost you a penny. All you need to do is
think about diet and fitness in a new way that I’ll describe here.

DIET AND WEIGHT MANAGEMENT

Words matter, even when you’re talking to yourself. Every word is like a
package of programming code that alters your brain circuitry. But some words
are weak, and some have more energy. Here’s a perfect example.
Usual Frame: When I am hungry, I eat food.
Reframe: Some food is fuel. Some food is entertainment.
If everything you eat when you are hungry is “food,” that makes junk food
and healthy food accidental equals—not in a logical sense but in a word
category sense. That’s unhelpful programming.
If instead you make a habit of sorting all your eating options into fuel versus
entertainment, making the right decisions becomes easier. That’s because
“nutrition” is a low-energy word compared to fuel or entertainment. No one
thinks, mm-mmm . . . nutrition. Compare that to the word fuel, which is
literally a substitute word for energy, and of course entertainment is something
we naturally crave. The words have a natural persuasion in this situation
because humans are drawn to energy and fun, and we’re bored by the topic of
nutrition despite knowing its importance.
 Is candy fuel or entertainment? If you are hungry, entertainment isn’t what
you need. And if you want entertainment, you can probably find a better
option. It might seem counterintuitive that you can manipulate yourself with
words you chose on your own. But that’s how words work. Words are the
building blocks of sentences, of course, but many words carry a little package
of power that influences you independently from the context of the sentence.
You have a lifetime of putting food in your mouth, but if I said you were
putting entertainment in your mouth, it would disrupt your automatic process
and make you think about your eating decision.
Yes, you can manipulate yourself with words that help you manage what you
eat the same way politicians manipulate others with words. I first learned
about the power of individual words when I studied to be a hypnotist. And as a
writer, I have three decades of experience picking the right-powered words.
Being good at selecting words is the difference between being persuasive and
being annoying.
To pick the most powerful words for controlling your diet choices, pay
attention to how words feel in each context. Here are some questions I ask
myself:
What does the word remind me of? And is that thing compatible with the
message I mean to send?
Is the word specific enough? Too specific?
Does the word sound compatible with my intention when I hear the word
aloud?
Does the word automatically drag a distracting thought—often a naughty
one—into the conversation?
Does it rhyme? Rhymes are sticky and persuasive.
Is it fun to say the word aloud?
Is the word overused and worn out?
Will the word trigger someone?
I might be leaving out some questions, but you get the idea. Before selecting
the right-powered word, I put it through a lot of filters. Only one of those
filters involves the definition of the word. The rest are about how the word
feels and what power it carries with it, either accidental or earned.
You saw the power of word substitution in this earlier reframe: Alcohol is
poison. Substituting one word is the easiest type of reframe. You’ll see
numerous opportunities for such reframes over the course of your life. Which
brings us to this one-word reframe.
Usual Frame: Overeating is a willpower problem.
Reframe: Overeating is a knowledge problem.
If you think a lack of willpower is why you make bad eating choices, you
won’t have any tools for fixing your situation because willpower isn’t real.
What can you do to increase your willpower—grimace harder? We have no
mechanism for adjusting our willpower because willpower is an imaginary
concept. What we have instead of willpower is competing preferences, nothing
more. If you prefer delicious food today over having a healthy weight
tomorrow, you will eat that delicious food. Willpower never comes into play.
It’s simply how we describe events after the fact. An empty concept.
Unlike willpower, knowledge is not meaningless. We all know what it takes
to increase our knowledge. My proposition to you is that learning how to find
and prepare food that is both convenient and healthy is something anyone can
do by making continuous small improvements. The more you experiment with
healthy food choices, the more equipped you will be to offer yourself a good
option when you get hungry. If you’re hungry when the only convenient food
is unhealthy stuff, you will eat that unhealthy food. But if you’re hungry and
only have healthy food in your home that also tastes great, you will probably
do well in controlling your weight. So-called “willpower” has nothing to do
with it.
Here’s another reframe you might find useful for maintaining a healthy
weight.
Usual Frame: I eat too much of the wrong food.
Reframe: I spend too much time with the wrong people.
You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with,
motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said. I don’t know about you, but the
people with whom I spend the most time are also the people with whom I most
often dine. And if one of those friends has a hankering for some fast food, I’m
likely to get some french fries while we’re there. I don’t think the people I
spend time with necessarily influence my beliefs and attitudes about eating
since most of them are red meat eaters and I am not. But they do influence
what types of food are convenient for me. Your influencers might be members
of your household who buy groceries that get added to your household
temptations. It’s hard to avoid the food-related influence of family and friends,
especially when it puts you in the proximity of delicious yet unhealthy food.
I don’t think you would lose much weight if all your closest friends were
obese. It wouldn’t seem urgent. You would feel normal and unjudged, at least
around your friends. But if all your friends looked great in swimwear but you
were 80 pounds heavier than you wanted to be, I believe peer pressure would
have an impact on your food choices.
People tend to talk about food with their friends. If your closest friends
know more about healthy eating than you do, the knowledge transfer to you
would be an enormous benefit. If the opposite were true and your friends
operated under food misconceptions, I assume some of them would spill over
to you. Spend time with people who have figured out how to be healthy eaters.
Some of that is certain to rub off on you.
Here is our next reframe for maintaining a healthy weight.
Usual Frame: I want food, so I must be hungry.
Reframe: I want food, so I might be tired.
If you think hunger is only caused by an empty stomach, you might be
surprised to learn that not getting enough sleep mimics the same feeling of
hunger. If you have ever experienced a day in which eating didn’t seem to
satisfy your hunger, you might be trying to solve the wrong problem. You
might need a nap more than you need food. By the time you feel hungry, it
might be too late to nap it away. So remind yourself that you wouldn’t need to
wonder about the source of your hunger if you put more effort into your
sleeping systems.
 A willpower-driven diet rarely works for a variety of reasons, chief among
them that humans don’t have much willpower, if any, when it comes to
resisting pleasure. But anyone can learn more about food choices, which
makes it easier to trade out the bad food for the good. The reason anyone eats
junk food is that it tastes great and is inexpensive and convenient. Healthy
alternatives can fit that model too but not unless you work at them. Which
means a lifetime of continuous learning about what foods are healthiest. You
think you already know what foods are best for you, but you probably don’t.
For example, would you know an avocado is better than a carrot? You do?
Great. Now tell me if an avocado is better than a peanut. Oh . . . you know
that, too???
Okay, I acknowledge you know a lot. But my experience is that few people
can correctly answer five-out-of-five in my food comparison challenges. And
my subjective impression is that people who get all the answers right are
maintaining a healthy weight. It isn’t a coincidence. Knowledge about food is
the strongest correlation I have seen (anecdotally) with weight. In the context
of diet, knowledge is a direct substitute for willpower, which isn’t a real thing
anyway.
On to our next reframe.
Usual Frame: I have a weight loss goal.
Reframe: I need to create a weight loss system for myself.
It’s okay to have a weight loss goal, too, but if you want to succeed, focus on
your system for getting there. Your system will differ from mine, and that’s
fine. We’re different people in different situations. For example, my system
has four main components for managing weight:

1. Don’t keep unhealthy food in the house.

2. Keep learning about food over an entire lifetime.
3. Continuously experiment with preparing healthy food to taste great.
4. Check my weight and look at my full body in the mirror every day.
 I asked my X followers what reframes they found useful for maintaining a
healthy weight, and here are some that worked for them in the diet domain,
starting with this familiar-looking one.
Usual Frame: Sugar is delicious but don’t overdo it.
Reframe: Sugar is poison.
The sugar is poison reframe probably came from a book of the same name.
This reframe was a popular response to my query, so people must have found
value in it. It is the same approach as alcohol is poison. It’s easier to avoid
poison than delicious food.
On to the next reframe . . .
A great way to manage your habits and impulses is to define yourself as the
sort of person who doesn’t do that sort of thing. As odd as that sounds, it
works. One of our strongest motivations is to be seen as consistent, to others
and to ourselves. If you use repetition to brand yourself as a certain type of
person, all your other decisions become simpler. All you must do is act how
that sort of person would act. Most of our decisions are somewhat automatic
and reflexive based on who we are. A vegetarian doesn’t have to think about
eating a steak, and an off-duty cop doesn’t think too hard before stepping in to
stop a crime in progress. Both are acting according to who they are.
If you don’t like the decisions you make, turn yourself into the kind of
person who doesn’t make those mistakes. You will be amazed how much this
helps. Here’s a specific example.
Usual Frame: I am tempted by bad carbs.
Reframe: I’m not the kind of person who eats bad carbs.
Another reframe suggested by an X user takes the irrational nature of
reframes to the limit.
Usual Frame: My stomach has room for more food.
Reframe: I’ve had enough.
If you pair “I’ve had enough” with stopping eating and do it often enough,
the sentence itself will become a key. That means your brain will pair the
trigger sentence with the response until it becomes automatic. Say the magic
sentence and watch your body fall in line.
Here’s another useful diet reframe.
Usual Frame: I’m hungry, so I need food.
Reframe: I’m hungry, so I need protein.
You need protein and “good” carbs as well as fat for a healthy diet. But carbs
—both good and bad—are abundant and easy to get. Same with fat. But
protein often takes some extra effort. That’s why a protein-first reframe helps
keep you on the right track. If you make it a habit to look for protein first, it
will be easier to skip the “bad” carbs that are more convenient.

Exercise

Everyone seems to have an opinion about how to exercise right. There are
thousands of books on the topic with all kinds of variations. It can be
intimidating to the non-athlete. That’s why I recommend reframing all the
complexity away and instead focusing on the few things you need to get right
to have a strong foundation.
Usual Frame: Exercising requires willpower and motivation.
Reframe: Exercising is easier than not exercising if you turn it into a habit.
You can learn to love exercise and turn it into an addictive habit by not
overdoing it, not doing boring exercises, and rewarding yourself every time.
For example, you might start by taking a nice walk in the evening and
rewarding yourself with a delicious protein shake. If you keep up the walking,
it will eventually start to feel too easy to do short walks, and you will naturally
extend them. Then let’s say your friend invites you to go on a bike ride, and
you haven’t ridden in years. Your walking habit will give you confidence you
can pedal okay, too, so you say yes.
The thing you do NOT need to focus on—at least initially—is obsessing
over the “best” form of exercise for you. That question is settled: The best
exercises are the ones you are willing to do. And if you start with some painful
and challenging form of exercise, don’t expect to be doing it for long. Your
brain will talk you out of hurting your body. This is a hypnotist’s truth: If you
punish yourself for an action, you can guarantee the action will not last.
Once you become “one who exercises,” you will discover you learn a lot
about alternative methods from others. Your fitness education will happen
organically. People like to yap about their exercise systems. You can’t avoid it.
You will get dragged into learning more than you ever wanted to know about
exercise.
Usual Frame: It’s important to learn the best ways to exercise.
Reframe: The best exercises are the ones you are willing to do.
I’m a lifelong gym rat, and 90 percent of what I know about fitness came
from clicking on articles on the Internet and being near people who know how
to do things right. You can do the same. Once you turn your fitness into a
routine, you begin the infinite journey of refining it for your needs. You’ll get
there. What matters most is that you’re physically active every day. The rest
will follow in time.

Sleep
It isn’t my imagination that people are complaining more than ever about a
lack of sleep. Modern life and sleep are not compatible. I’m going to assume
you already know all the tips and tricks for good sleep, so I won’t cover them
here. If you need those tips, you can google “how to sleep better”—or any
variation—and get the same set of useful tips on a variety of sites. All I will
add to the skill of sleep is this one reframe.
Usual Frame: I can’t get to sleep.
 Reframe: I didn’t work hard enough.
For the first several years of my cartooning career, I kept my day job at the
local phone company. I woke up at 4:00 AM every day and collapsed into bed
around 10:00 PM every night, having completed two full-time jobs and usually
some exercise. In those years, I never had a problem with sleep. I would be
unconscious in minutes and sleep through the night.
Other times, I experienced days in which I had more leisure than work. On
those lazy days, I sometimes didn’t make it to the gym. Getting to sleep under
those conditions was a struggle.
Once the pattern became clear to me, I started using sleep as a gauge for
how much energy I “wasted” by not working hard enough to make sleep
automatic and easy. Now I know to burn off my extra energy in the early
evening if I haven’t done enough work or exercise by then. So instead of
focusing on the going-to-sleep part of the going-to-sleep process, I focus on
living the kind of day that makes sleep easy and automatic.
This reframe won’t work for all readers. I dislike sleep in general, and I’m
ambitious by nature, so the emotional impact of reminding myself I “didn’t
work hard enough” hits me like fighting words. If you love sleep, and you’re
not trying to conquer the universe, this reframe might not be for you.
If you are not convinced you can “work” yourself into better sleep, test it for
yourself by taking a long walk—or whatever you prefer for exercise—and
mentally track how you sleep after exercising that day versus on your non-
exercise days. You should notice a big difference. And that will be your
motivation.
OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 6

Reality Reframes

T he frustrating thing about so-called reality is that we don’t agree what

is real and what is an illusion. You might see the hand of God in all
things important, your friend might see reincarnation as the dominant model
of reality, and I might believe we are simulated creatures—basically
software—created by some other entity. Most of the time it doesn’t matter
which model you choose. You can still eat, sleep, work, and procreate.
But sometimes it does matter what is real, and the quality of your
decisions depend on it. I’m not the final authority on what is real, so I
suggest you favor whatever filter on reality helps you predict the best. If the
reframes in this chapter do a better job of predicting the future than your
current filter on reality, consider making these your default beliefs. If your
existing worldview predicts better, keep that. Our tiny human brains
probably can’t know the full nature of reality, but sometimes we can tell
what works and what does not. Let’s dig in.

NUCLEAR POWER
In February 2022, The Wall Street Journal reported that the European Union
was attempting to reframe nuclear energy as “green” to make it easier to
gain public and government support. A similar evolution was happening in
the United States at the same time. The most dangerous form of energy in
the world—said the critics—was being transformed into one of the safest
via the miracle of . . . words.
This book will not argue the merits of nuclear energy. The short version is
that every assumption about the risks of nuclear energy turned out to be
wrong. The modern nuclear power plant designs—usually referred to as
Gen 3—have been widely used for years, have never had a meltdown, and
have never been associated with a single death. (Earlier designs did have
issues.) The nuclear waste problem shrunk when it became obvious it made
sense to simply store the waste at the nuclear sites where it was produced,
in special containers. Best of all, the newest versions of nuclear power
plants—Gen 4—can use that nuclear waste for fuel.
Everything I described has been true for years, but the old assumptions
about nuclear energy risks still dominated the public’s thinking, including
government officials. What changed it all was a combination of three
things:

1. Energy shortages and accelerating fears about climate change

triggered a more flexible attitude about nuclear energy. The
alternatives were plainly insufficient.
2. Skilled American nuclear power advocate Michael Shellenberger
almost single-handedly educated governments and the public on
nuclear energy benefits and risks.
3. Years passed without major issues in any Gen 3 nuclear power
plant. Time fixes a lot of things.

I give you this example to demonstrate how a reframe can change the
world. In the case of nuclear energy, the reframe might literally save
civilization, assuming it helps nuclear energy get public support. All of that
is possible on the back of one word: green.
Usual Frame: Nuclear Power is risky.
Reframe: Nuclear power is green.
It’s true that one person can sometimes change the world. So can one
word if that word is a well-chosen reframe.
You might be tempted to ask me why, if I know how to change
civilization with one word, haven’t I already done it? That’s a good
question. Now I have a question for you.
 What makes you so sure I haven’t?

HUMAN RATIONALITY
The most meaningful reframe of my life happened in my twenties when I
studied to become a hypnotist. My hypnosis teacher taught the class that
humans are not rational creatures; they are creatures who rationalize
decisions after they make them.
The first time you hear that reframe—either from a hypnotist or anyone
else—it’s reasonable to be skeptical. After all, you don’t FEEL irrational.
You are sure you make most of your decisions based on logic and facts. But
then you start noticing that some OTHER people are indeed irrational
(according to you), and they do seem to rationalize after the fact.
Then you notice it’s most other people.
Then you notice it’s almost everyone except you.
Then, grudgingly, you start to understand it’s you, too. Because you are
human, and that’s the way we’re wired.
But we did not evolve to understand reality. We only evolved to survive.
It was once assumed that understanding your reality gave you a survival
advantage in evolutionary terms. But that has since been debunked. It turns
out that understanding reality is closer to a disadvantage than an advantage
in evolutionary terms.
That said, humans can be rational in limited situations in which the
playing field is small and well-defined. For example, humans might shop
for the best bargain or choose the shortest route to a destination. That’s
rational. But most topics in life are not clear and not simple. In those cases,
we retreat to our biases and never leave. I try hard to escape that trap with
mixed results. Roughly speaking, I now experience the world through this
reframe.
Usual Frame: People are rational 90 percent of the time.
Reframe: People are rational 10 percent of the time if that.
 TWO MOVIES, ONE SCREEN
For most of my life, I believed that if I disagreed with someone on a social
or political issue, one of us had to be wrong. Perhaps we could both be
wrong, but since our opinions differed, only one of us could be right, at
least under normal conditions.
That filter on life was maddening. I would try to “win” every
disagreement by using my so-called rational mind to find out where we
differed in facts, logic, or bias. I reasoned that if I could identify the root
cause of the disagreement, I could easily find common ground.
That almost never worked.
It took me decades to figure out why something as straightforward as
checking each other’s logic and facts would consistently fail to create
agreement. It was as if the other person became temporarily insane when
presented with a superior argument. Even weirder, they thought the problem
was on my side. And I wasn’t entirely sure they were wrong.
Eventually, I came to see the human relationship with reality as so
subjective it is nonsense to discuss who is “right” in situations that can’t be
reliably measured. And most things can’t be measured in ways we would
agree are sufficient. I mean, we can try to measure anything we want, but
the next observer will say it was measured wrong. You can rely on that. So
what do you do to stay sane in such a world?
I developed this reframe to help. I started using the reframe in 2016,
when the political news in America became absurdly partisan. I often hear
from my followers on social media that it helped them get past the
frustration of dealing with people who seem trapped in their own bubble
reality.
Usual Frame: One of us is right, and one is wrong.
Reframe: We are watching two different movies on one screen.
The only two facts humans know for sure are that we exist and that some
things appear to be predictable. For example, you know that every time you
hit your so-called funny bone just right, it hurts. But perhaps everything
about that except the predictability of it is manufactured by our minds. You
might think you are petting a stray cat on the sidewalk, and I might see you
picking up something from the ground. So long as your story and mine
never need to be consistent—which is generally the case—we can
experience different subjective realities. In your reality, you were petting a
cat, and in mine you were picking up something from the ground. Yet we
both witnessed the “same” event. I call that two movies playing on one
screen.
The power of this reframe is that it releases you from any obligation to
make others bend to your way of thinking. Others are often aware of the
same events and facts as you, but while they’re looking at the same screen
at the same time, they see a different movie based on their biases and
expectations. Once you understand this as the dominant model of all our
disagreements, you won’t feel any pressure to “fix” people who disagree
with you. Simply accept that you’re watching the same screen but a
different movie. It is oddly freeing.

HAVING KIDS AND PASSING ON YOUR

GENES
If you are grappling with the question of having children and don’t feel the
calling to do so, you might feel bad about your decision. Society
encourages parenthood, and you’ll probably have to answer a lot of well-
intentioned but annoying questions about why you are choosing not to
reproduce.
Some good reasons to have kids include religion (if that’s your thing),
personal satisfaction, a sense of purpose, and a stronger society. The
weakest reason—but often the one that has the strongest pull on us—is the
innate desire to spread our genes and not be “forgotten” in time. You might
have no conscious thoughts along those lines, but the instinct lives in most
of us. If it did not, we’d easily talk ourselves out of having kids because of
the inconvenience and expense.
This reframe is limited to helping you suppress your natural impulse to
spread your genes. Civilization needs more babies, not fewer, so don’t use
this reframe unless you are sure about your decision.
Usual Frame: You should spread your genes.
Reframe: No matter what you do, your genes will be diluted with each
generation until your contribution nears zero.
A secondary use for this reframe is if you experience the tragedy of
losing a child. You’ll have many negative thoughts about the experience,
but if one of those thoughts involves carrying your genes forward for
eternity, you can reframe that thought out of your mind: It wasn’t going to
happen anyway. After a few generations of dilution, your contribution could
be limited to how waxy those future children’s ears are. That isn’t the sort
of legacy you need to build a life around.

PREDICTING VERSUS UNDERSTANDING

REALITY
If every time you said the word “sunshine” a stranger appeared from a
nearby hiding place and punched you in the face, would you keep saying
the word? Don’t answer too quickly. In this imaginary example, there is no
science or logic to tell us why it happens. You’re a rational person, and you
make decisions based on evidence and reason. And in my example, there is
no evidence to suggest there could possibly be a correlation much less
causation between an ordinary word and the unknown assailant.
So . . . do you say “sunshine” again?
Much of life is like my weird example in the sense we don’t know how to
explain anything we experience. But we think we do. We think we know
why one thing happens versus another, but usually we don’t. We don’t
know why loved ones act the way they do. We don’t think the news is
necessarily true. And even science is looking a lot like guesswork because
of its notable misfires in recent years.
Oh, I’m not done yet. Don’t take this personally, but you usually don’t
know why you do things either. The part of your brain that explains why
you do stuff doesn’t even engage until after you decide. Humans are
rationalizers, not deciders.
Given all that we puny humans do NOT know, is there anything we do
know? Yes, as I said in the last section, we know at least two things:

1. We know we exist.
2. We know some worldviews predict better than others.

Most of the rest of our so-called reality is our subjective interpretation of

who-knows-what. And that leads us to this reframe.
Usual Frame: The best worldview is the true one.
Reframe: The best worldview is one that predicts the best.
In my “sunshine” example, any human in that situation who kept saying
the trigger word would likely start imagining they know why the punch-in-
the-face kept happening. Some would say God is angry. Some would come
to believe they must be crazy, they’re imagining it, or they’re dreaming.
Some would assume a nemesis of some sort is behind it. Others might say
poltergeist, a curse, or magic of some kind.
None of those explanations would matter so long as the pattern was
predictive. All you need to do is avoid saying that one word—sunshine—
and your problem is solved. Most of your life is like that. I don’t know why
electricity works—at least not in any detail—but I know the lights come on
when I hit the switch. It is predictable. And predictable is the nearest our
little brains can get to truth.

UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE
The best example of a worldview that predicts well is “follow the money.” I
already mentioned this in relation to predicting the fate of a marriage, but it
works in almost any domain. People can be expected to act in ways that
maximize their money, at least as they see it. The weird part of this
worldview is that it seems to predict even when you think it should not.
Usual Frame: Predicting people’s actions involves many variables.
Reframe: Follow the money. That’s all you need.
For example, if you knew a trusted member of a religious organization
made an important decision, you would assume money was not the top
priority. One would assume the religion itself would be the top priority
along with empathy for the disadvantaged. But in those situations, you can
reliably predict the decision will follow whatever path is also the best
financial outcome for the decision-maker, directly or indirectly. In such a
situation, I would expect the religious leader to make an argument that
depended on religious principles and empathy. And the argument might
make sense. Or not.
What matters is that I could predict which way the decision would go.
That’s all we know, or think we know. If you extend that worldview to
include knowing the religious figure is a fraud or a hypocrite, that’s mind-
reading—and taking things too far. This hypothetical religious figure might
be acting in naked self-interest. The other possibility is they don’t know
they are rationalizing their own self-interest. That explanation is at least as
likely as a religious figure being corrupt.
Look for patterns that predict. Don’t assume you know why. It would be
terrific if you did know why as that would help predict even better. But our
tendency to mind-read imaginary motives in people is far greater than our
ability to discern real motives.
If you ask people what motivates them, they might not say money, but
watch how often their ethics-based preferences match their economic
interests. Polite society asks us to express our priorities as lofty goals such
as making the world a better place, helping children, succeeding in
business, that sort of thing. It would sound rude to say you’re in it for the
money and are only pretending to care about doing good. And perhaps
you’ve convinced yourself you are not in it for the money. That’s not
uncommon.
For example, if you ask me why I’m writing this book instead of
shuffling off to rich-guy retirement, I’ll probably say something about how
good it feels to improve people’s lives and how I like to feel useful. Every
bit of both is true. But if you want to predict how I spend my time, check to
see if I expect the book to make me some money. And sure enough, I do.
You might tell yourself money doesn’t influence how you think about
your choices and your priorities. But it sure influences what your body is
doing while your mind is enjoying lofty thoughts about yourself. We
humans often have no idea why we do what we do. Sometimes you must
“follow the money” even to understand yourself. Or more generally,
selfishness explains nearly everything about human behavior.

LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE
I heard this reframe from Dr. Jordan Peterson. It matches one I’ve been
using for a few years to great effect.
Usual Frame: Life is about avoiding pain while pursuing happiness and
meaning.
Reframe: Life is an adventure.
Life is full of discomforts. If you think your purpose is to avoid
discomfort, you will be unhappy because there is no real hope of
succeeding. Problems are part of life. But if you frame your life as an
adventure, your temporary discomforts will feel as if they belong in the
game to keep it interesting.
As a point of comparison, people who like to go camping are willingly
taking on a load of inconvenience and discomfort before they even get the
campfire lit. In any other context, willingly taking on those discomforts
might look like insanity. But when viewed as part of the camping
adventure, the psychological discomfort is greatly reduced.
This is one of my favorite filters on reality. Now when something goes
wrong, the situation feels no different than missing one shot in a basketball
game. Missing half of all shots is expected in basketball, so missing any one
shot doesn’t crush your spirit. If you live your life that way instead of
crying “Why me???!!!” at every bump in the road, you are likely to better
enjoy the ride.
My take on the adventure frame is that we are computer simulations put
here either to entertain our creators or to test strategies for their civilization.
I go through my day as if I’m in a video game, which makes a lot of the
stress disappear. Does it matter how unrealistic or dead-wrong I am about
my reality? Nope. All that matters is that the reframe works in some
identifiable way, and this one does. It makes me happy. I recommend it.

INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY

Much of adult life is spent trying to discern who is lying and who is telling
the truth. When it comes to the legal system, we take the view that citizens
are innocent until proven guilty. That’s an improvement (a reframe) from
labeling a person potentially guilty, or maybe innocent, maybe not. As with
most reframes, it is not literally true that someone is innocent until proven
guilty, except in a strict legal sense. It’s simply a better system to act as if
innocence is the starting assumption to avoid harming the truly innocent.
The problem appears when we extend “innocent until proven guilty” to
corporations and government entities. Given the outsized power those
entities wield over citizens, it’s a better system to think of them as guilty
until proven innocent. That’s why public corporations must show their
financials and why elections can be audited.
Keep this rule in mind the next time a large company or government
entity is accused of some heinous behavior. Until they can prove otherwise,
assume guilt. You won’t often be wrong. But please be cautious about
extending the presumption of guilt to any specific individuals running those
organizations. Citizens are always presumed innocent until proven guilty,
and I think we all appreciate that.
Usual Frame: Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Reframe: Citizens are innocent until proven guilty. Corporations and
governments are presumed guilty until proven innocent.
How often will big organizations cheat and lie? More often than you
think. The larger the organization, the less likely anything they say is
completely true. And there’s a reason for that. This reframe reveals it.
Usual Frame: No cheating has been detected, so the organization is
innocent.
Reframe: Whenever there is an opportunity for cheating and not getting
caught, a lot to gain from cheating, and lots of people involved, cheating
will always happen.
The larger the organization, the more opportunities there will be to cheat
and get away with it. That’s because crime can easily hide in a complicated
bureaucracy.
Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about distrusting a large
organization. Distrust is the best starting position. If a company can make
itself transparent and reduce mistrust, it’s welcome to do so. But until then,
hold organizations to a higher standard than citizens. Assume guilt but give
them every opportunity to prove otherwise.

WHERE OPINIONS COME FROM

We want to believe our opinions come from some combination of our
experiences, our knowledge, and our reason. That’s what it feels like. But
nothing remotely like that is happening. Most of our opinions are assigned
to us by the media. We pick a “team” we want to join, then the media tells
that team what to believe.
 I could spend the remainder of this book explaining why science agrees
with me about how opinions are formed, but it would be easier for you to
directly observe the media assigning opinions to teams.
Look at the people on whatever political side you are not on. Do you
notice how they all seem to have the same opinions, opinions which in your
view don’t make much sense?
That’s how they see you, too. And according to the hypnotist’s reframe—
that people are irrational 90 percent of the time—you can clearly see that
the other team is brainwashed. They see it in you, too. But neither of you
can see it in yourselves. That’s the normal way of the world.
Okay, okay, you’re the exception. So am I. The two of us make rational
decisions every time, but I think you’d agree other people seem to be
moving like a brainwashed herd. Thank goodness we’re not like them.
Usual Frame: People come up with their own opinions.
Reframe: People join teams, and the media assigns their opinions.
The best way I have found to exempt yourself from media-assigned
opinions is to make it a habit to argue the opposite side of each debate. If
you can’t do that without laughing, using sarcasm, or making an
intentionally bad argument, you probably don’t have a genuine opinion.
You have an assigned opinion.
Once you can make a full argument for all sides of a debate, you might be
thinking rationally. If your opinions are identical to the bumper sticker
wisdom of your team, you might have a problem.
The usefulness of this reframe is that it tells you logic and facts won’t
help you change many minds. If people did not arrive at their opinions by
rational means, a rational argument isn’t going to talk them out of it.
Instead, I recommend asking them to repeat back your argument to
demonstrate they understand it. If they can—which would be rare—they
can be persuaded. Most people will change the subject to escape the trap.
Perhaps the main benefit of this reframe is that you neutralize the
frustration when dealing with people on the other side of issues. Once you
realize they’re not the sources of their own opinions—and probably can’t
explain their own opinions with any clarity—you’re free to see them as
victims, not opponents. I don’t get stressed when a victim of brainwashing
disagrees with me. I feel bad for them. And that empathy feels way better
than being ticked-off because some stranger refuses to see the alleged
wisdom of my opinions.

PEOPLE THINK LIKE YOU

One of the worst misconceptions of life is that other people think the same
way you do. Humans are similar in a lot of ways, but in any specific
situation your basket of preferences and mine will be different. That means
you can’t reliably predict what people will do or why they will do it (unless
money is involved). But we imagine we can predict well because we make
the poor assumption that people are working with the same set of variables
and intentions we are. That is rarely the case.
If you don’t understand someone’s motives, and you end up guessing
based on how you would feel in the same situation, you’re indulging in
nonsense.
Usual Frame: Others think and feel approximately as I do.
Reframe: Others are unimaginably different.
When others act in ways you would not, don’t assume they are
necessarily lying, selfish, stupid weasels. They might be exactly that, but
that’s not the first explanation you should go with. Instead, assume all you
are seeing is a difference in priorities or a difference in who brainwashed
each of you.
The power of this reframe is that it helps you understand why you can’t
change people’s minds. You might be looking at the same facts, but the
processes in your heads are as different as porcupines and bowling balls.

OceanofPDF.com
 CHAPTER 7

The Operating System for Your

Mind

S cientists once believed that adult brains don’t generate new cells. They
believed we were born with all the brain cells we would ever have and
that those cells die over the course of an adult’s life. In recent years, science
discovered that brains do create new cells. In related news, we have a growing
appreciation of something called neuroplasticity—the ability of the brain to
create new pathways and new behaviors in any number of ways. In other
words, your brain is programmable if you learn how to access the user
interface. With this book, I have been teaching you how to write and insert
code (programs) into your brain. That’s what the reframes are—software
upgrades to your brain. And they cause physical changes to your brain, just as
any other learning experience does.
Once you accept the programmable nature of your own brain, you can get
serious about becoming what I call the author of your own experience. This
replaces the common view that we are products of our experiences, our genes,
and a whole host of factors only fate controls.
Usual Frame: You are the product of your experiences and genes.
Reframe: You are the author of your experience.
This reframe moves you out of victim mode into player mode. If you are just
the result of outside forces and genes you can’t control, that doesn’t provide
much motivation. But if you are the author of your own experience, you
understand you can create your life one day at a time. The reframes in this
book are the code that lets you do just that. Find the reframes in these pages
that best match the “dangling wires” in your brain and watch how quickly they
get reattached.
 I find it useful to think of brains as having operating systems, like
computers. Your human operating system is your reflexive pattern for
interacting with a new situation. You might layer some knowledge and
experience on top of that operating system, but you will still be limited to what
it allows you. There are four types of human operating systems I encounter
most:
Selfish: I take whatever I can get. Others would do the same.
Revenge: I need revenge for all insults and offenses, both real and imagined.
(And most are imagined.)
Victim: I am being victimized by nearly everyone and can’t do anything
about it.
Reciprocity: If I make myself useful, good things will come to me.
Of the four operating systems, the first three are deeply flawed. It might feel
good in the short run to be selfish, get revenge, or play the victim. But in the
long run, the only operating system that can bring you a high-quality life is
Reciprocity.
Usual Frame: I deserve to be treated well by others.
Reframe: You get what you give, on average. No one deserves anything.
I spend a lot of time and energy being generous to those who will never
return the favor, and I know it. But I also know that being the type of person
who would do such things builds trust and attracts people and business deals to
me. I also know it only takes one person to reciprocate someday down the line,
and that one instance could change my life. The Reciprocity operating system
requires patience and the ability to put off pleasure now for long-term gain.
That means it will come more easily to some people than others. But we can
all learn to give more and act less like victims. If it helps, think of generosity
as a selfish strategy. You’re giving with the intention of getting something in
return someday. You don’t know when or what form it will take, but
Reciprocity is always your best operating system for success.
Will people take advantage of your generosity? Absolutely. But it doesn’t
change the larger point that it’s a good strategy.
 THE SIMULATION
Who wants to get weird?

I give you The Simulation Hypothesis. It’s the idea that what we perceive as
our reality is a computer simulation created by an advanced species that may
or may not look like us. The argument, in its simplest form, is that humans will
soon be able to create artificially intelligent life forms who believe they are
living independent lives in a simulated world. I would argue we have the
technology to do such a thing now. All we need to do is tell the creatures in the
simulation that they see more detail in the environment than they do.
Coincidentally—or not—that’s exactly how human brains work. We think we
see detail in the environment, but we don’t. That’s all illusion. One might
describe it as a software module that saves brain processing resources by
making us believe we saw more details than we did. If a human creates a
computer model that looks like one human, you might expect lots of detail.
That’s possible because only one person is being modeled and the computer
can handle all that detail. But no programmer would include that sort of detail
in a simulated world. They would save resources by making the characters in
the simulation believe they were seeing more detail than they were unless it
was something they needed to focus on. For example, if you needed to remove
a sliver from your finger, the simulation would provide finer detail.
If we are a simulation, our reality could have the same constraints a software
developer would run into when programming a game universe. For example, if
a programmer created our universe, they would make sure it was physically
impossible for us to travel past the programmed boundaries of our reality. And
sure enough, the physical laws of our so-called reality make it impossible to
travel fast enough to reach our outer boundaries.
The core argument for our reality being a simulation is that as soon as any
advanced species—including humans—develops the skill to create such a
simulation, they would surely make more than one. Maybe millions. And the
simulations themselves would evolve to make their own simulations. So the
odds of us being the one original species and not one of the millions or trillions
of simulations are low.
I’m a believer that we live in a simulated environment. I don’t believe it
because I’m convinced it’s true. I have no way to know what even is true. It
would be more accurate to say I find The Simulation a useful filter on life
because it answers all my questions and gives me extra, special strategies for
success. I’ll explain that part shortly.

As crazy as The Simulation Hypothesis is, some smart people find it

credible. Elon Musk is the most famous among them, but the idea comes from
American cognitive scientist and author Donald Hoffman. Spend some time on
the Internet reading about The Simulation, and you might get hooked. But
remember, it’s not about what is true. It’s about which filters and strategies of
mind get you the best result.
I won’t ask you to believe we’re living in a simulation. I won’t ask you to
believe it’s a rational hypothesis. I won’t ask you to believe there is evidence
or science or any solid argument to support that world view. But I will ask you
to see The Simulation as one of many filters you can put on life to predict and
explain. Like any of the simpler reframes, the only test it must pass is that you
find it useful. I’ll show you how to make it so.
 Usual Frame: Reality is objective, and science helps us understand it.
Reframe: Our so-called reality is a simulation created by a higher
intelligence.
Alternate: You are in a video game, and you have certain problems to solve
to get to the next level.
If we are in a simulation, what is the point of it? I can think of several. The
one that explains the most observations is that we’re testing different strategies
for success on a wide variety of challenges—as stated earlier—so our creators
know what solutions they can try in their world.
Have you ever noticed some people have the same odd problem over and
over, but others will never once have that sort of problem? I call it a theme.
One of my themes is that no matter where I live, I have continuous plumbing
problems—the bad kinds. The odds of one person having so many continuous
plumbing emergencies over several decades seem insanely low. That’s why it
looks programmed. It seems as if I’m A/B testing different ways to approach
residential plumbing catastrophes. I’m getting good at it!
Or maybe we’re an afterlife of some long-deceased species, looping through
this same history for infinity. I expect to leave my digital personality in
something like that before I go. Wouldn’t my hypothetical creator—if
humanlike—do the same?
Or maybe we are avatars (characters) in some sort of massive video game in
which the way one wins is by producing the most kids, making the most
money, or creating the most positive change.
Or maybe we’re a reality show. That would explain why we seem to
encounter one absurd situation after another.
The point is that we can imagine several reasons a simulated world would
exist. But if we’re simulated, what benefits would we get from knowing that?
I like to think that being aware you are simulated allows you to author the
game as you go. In other words, you can focus intensely on what you want—
and that alone will hack the simulation to produce the change. As noted in the
Introduction, some call that affirmations. Some call it positive thinking. Others
call it the Law of Attraction. All I know for sure is that the people who believe
we live in a Simulation seem to get a lot of what they want compared to those
who have other filters on reality. Case in point, Elon Musk has done okay. I
can pay my rent, too.

AUTHOR VERSUS AUDIENCE

If you believe you can author the simulation with your intentions, you’re likely
to experience a reality in which that seems to be exactly what is happening.
That’s how I experience life. Even my bad luck seems eerily similar to things I
had been thinking about too much, as if I created it by mistake. Many people
who practice affirmations tell me about their experiences—they, too, feel as if
they’re authoring their own destiny.
The possibility of authoring your future—or even feeling as if you are—is
why The Simulation Hypothesis is a powerful reframe. If your view of reality
is limited to the common view of cause and effect, you might feel relatively
helpless to change anything in your life. But if you use affirmations and your
dreams appear to come true against the odds, you open up to new possibilities.
Or it feels as if you do. And that can be just as satisfying.
My current view of reality is that I am in some sort of simulated
environment, and I am projecting a subjective bubble of reality everywhere I
go just in time to make me think it all seems real. If you and I meet, we can
have two different realities and later leave with two different memories of the
event. The discrepancies in our realities will never be obvious because we’re
unlikely to compare our memories of it in any detail. If for some reason we
ever did compare our memories, we would conclude that one or both of us had
a faulty memory and that alone explains the discrepancy.
This is how we all live in our own bubble realities, unconcerned that our
stories do not sync with the bubble next to us. Importantly, it’s also how the
computing device running our simulation can handle the nearly infinite
complexity of a simulated universe—it doesn’t. It just convinces us it did, and
we imagine we see it.
Usual Frame: We have different memories.
Reframe: We created different subjective realities.
 One of the great comforts of this reframe is that I no longer feel stress when
I can’t persuade someone that my view of events is the accurate one. Now I
accept that two or more “realities” were running at the same time; there is no
reason they need to match. It isn’t easy to get comfortable with that idea, but if
you can pull it off, it pays for itself in reduced frustration.
Another advantage of living as though I’m in a simulation is that almost
anything seems possible unless ruled out by observed past events. I never feel
limited, and I think that attitude helps me take on tougher problems with
enthusiasm.
If you will allow me to go full-weird, I speculate that imagining, planning,
and predicting might have the same impact on reality. In each case, you
visualize the future, and I suspect—without the support of science or facts—
that the more accurately you imagine your future, the more you become the
author of your reality. I wouldn’t bet my life on it, but it would explain a lot
that has happened in my life.
The Simulation Hypothesis might be an accurate description of base reality
or not. But like any other reframe, the truth probably doesn’t matter. What
matters is that it seems to work for you or not.

THE USER INTERFACE FOR REALITY

We will never agree on the “true” nature of reality. But we might agree that
some interpretations of reality make you happier than others. As I sit in
Starbucks writing this chapter, I can see a valid argument for either optimism
or pessimism about the current state of the world. I don’t know which filter is
more accurate, but I do know one makes me feel better than the other. So I
choose the happy-making one. Under either interpretation of reality, I act the
same, taking normal precautions against the unknown.
A common view of reality assumes there is a solid layer of realness just
below our feet, and all we’re doing is choosing which shoes to wear when we
walk on it. This is compatible with how most people see the world. But it isn’t
the only way.
The deeper—and potentially more useful—view of reality is that we author
our reality as we go, so almost nothing is out of bounds. As I’ve said many
times, I don’t claim that view of reality is the closest to true. All I know for
sure is that people who act as though they can author their reality seem to get
results that are hard to explain. I am one of them, and I have a few successful
friends who see things the same way but don’t like to say so in public.
Usual Frame: Reality is objective.
Reframe: There might be an objective reality, but human brains don’t have
access to it.
Is it crazy to imagine you can author reality itself, including the things
outside your direct physical control? That’s a trick question. I made you think
past the sale. The “sale” is the assumption that believing you can author your
reality—and being wrong about it—is a bad thing. There is no evidence of
that. Anecdotally, it looks the opposite, that thinking you can author your
reality gives you good outcomes whether there is any underlying truth to it or
not. The people with the least respect for our so-called reality are the ones
changing it. Elon Musk is my go-to example once again. He specializes in
making things happen that many experts think are impossible—in their
realities. Most great innovators have a healthy disrespect for the impossible.
For the purposes of this book, I’m only asking you to consider the method of
viewing reality as fully programmable—by you. To get the benefits from this
approach, you do not need to believe you know the true nature of reality. That
can remain a mystery. All I ask is that you be open to acting as though you can
author it. See what happens. You might be surprised. That reframe looks like
this.
Usual Frame: Reality is only subjective in terms of our opinions and
preferences.
Reframe: We can treat all of reality as subjective and get a good outcome,
as if we authored it ourselves.
I’ve talked in this book and in my other books about affirmations. The
specific technique I use involves visualizing what you want and repeating it or
writing it down fifteen times a day. There is nothing magic in the details of
how you do it. It doesn’t matter how or when you do it or even how many
times you repeat it. What matters is your intensity of focus on the desired
outcome. I say that because in my experience the potential futures I could see
most clearly for my own life seemed to be the futures that happened. I don’t
know if that is because of causation or coincidence, but I choose to treat it as
real.
My point is that one can live inside a fully subjective reality without penalty.
I’m either authoring my reality or imagining I am. Either way, fully awesome.
I prefer permissive affirmations that allow lots of ways to succeed. For
example, I would focus on wealth instead of a specific promotion, and I would
ask for a good romantic life as opposed to a specific partner. Give yourself
more than one way to win.
If you want to influence yourself or others—and in so doing author your
own reality—you need to know what buttons to push on the user interface of
the human brain. If you think brains operate on an operating system of rational
thought, you are both wrong and probably frustrated at a world that appears to
make no sense. If you take the hypnotist’s view that humans are irrational 90
percent of the time, you are ready to see the buttons on the user interface to
reality.
And once you see the buttons, you control the game. (Or it can seem that
way.) I’ll take you through the main persuasion buttons you need to push to get
what you want.

Freedom
Humans love freedom more than pleasure and more than escape from pain. We
will even sacrifice our lives for the benefit of other people’s freedom. If you
want to understand why people do the things they do or you want to influence
them, don’t forget this often-neglected dimension of the human psyche.
Humans will often take freedom over money, even over love.
Nearly every decision increases or decreases the freedom of people
involved. You might not see that as a key variable, and that’s my point. You
should see it as a key variable because it tops most other concerns.
If you want to hire the best employees, make sure you emphasize how much
freedom they will have. If you want the best marriage, make sure you offer
freedom to each other, within reason. As I said in the Success Reframes
chapter, if you want the best kind of job, pick one that gives you the most
schedule flexibility.
Freedom is a huge button on the human interface, and it’s so easy to push.
Consider it in every decision you make and remember to consider it when
trying to persuade others.

Fear
Fear is the strongest anti-motivator for humans. We will do nearly anything to
escape it. That’s why you should be on guard for manipulators who use fear to
control you. And it’s why you should use fear to persuade when it’s ethical to
do so. And by ethical, I mean you don’t need to lie to describe something
frightening that needs to be addressed. If you have reason to believe something
bad is going to happen, I would argue you have an obligation to use rational
fear to warn those in harm’s way.
How powerful is the fear button when pressed? I believe it determines the
selection of presidents in most American elections. Whoever pushes the fear
message the hardest wins.

Novelty
The things that catch your attention and stick in your mind are the things that
are different, weird, unexpected, or novel in some way. Novelty is the way
good communicators grab your attention. They might, for example, curse in an
inappropriate venue or include a slide in a slide deck that is wildly different
from the rest. Or they might create an insulting nickname for a rival. That sort
of thing.
Learn to insert novelty in your communications, and you can own any topic.
But use it sparingly. Otherwise, it loses its power.

Repetition
Human rationality is so thin that repeating an obvious lie often enough will
make the lie sound believable. That is the concept behind most advertising,
politics, and propaganda. And it’s the easiest button to push if you want to
influence. Simply find a message, deliver it, and repeat. But also be aware that
it’s being used on you. Watch how often your decisions match what message
you saw the most in advertisements or on the news. Once you understand how
often repetition hijacks rational thought, you will see it everywhere.

Simplicity
Our brains are easily overwhelmed with details and complexity. When that
happens, we don’t know how to make smart decisions. If you wish to influence
someone to action, keep your arguments simple and your asks even more so.
Simplicity works. Every detail you add after the minimum detracts from your
influence.

Fake Because (Reasons)

I already mentioned the power of the “fake because” in a few specific
situations, but it works in almost any domain and is a big part of the user
interface for reality. We humans like to have reasons for our decisions to not
seem foolish to ourselves and others. But curiously, we are not picky about the
quality of those reasons. You can see this most clearly in political issues.
Voters tend to agree with their team first and rationalize that agreement later by
imagining “reasons” or repeating reasons they heard in the news. The power of
knowing this oddity of human intellect is that if you don’t have a great reason
for asking for something, use a bad reason. You can even use a reason that
doesn’t sound like a reason at all to the listener. Usually, people just want to
know that you have a reason. They are less interested in what that reason is.
There will be exceptions, of course. People will want real reasons for their
most important decisions, but most of life is a series of less-important
decisions. And for those, any reason is often good enough.

Pacing and Leading

Pacing involves matching the person you want to persuade in any number of
ways, from body language to breathing to clothing style to choice of words and
more. If you match a person long enough, you form trust (that isn’t otherwise
earned), and you can eventually start to “lead” the person you want to
influence. Be like the person you’re imitating in some subtle ways until you
can lead them. This is why leaders with “the common touch” do well. People
see themselves in the leader, which triggers an automatic willingness to be led.
It’s like putting yourself in charge of yourself. That feels safe because you love
yourself.

Aspirations
People obviously enjoy succeeding. They also love becoming better versions
of themselves. If you can paint a credible picture of how someone can aspire to
become more than they are, you can motivate them to act. Sometimes people’s
immediate aspirations are obvious, such as a team trying to win a
championship. But perhaps the team is wondering what they should do and
how they should act to realize that aspiration. That’s where you come in. Tell
people they’re winners, they’re good at comebacks, or some such message to
create an aspirational target. They are not yet winners, but they could be soon!
A sporting competition is a special case. In life, we have broader aspirations
for who we want to be. Most people are not aiming high, which gives them
plenty of space to find a better version of themselves. People will work toward
that better version somewhat reflexively if they can see it clearly and value it.
Aspirations are a great button for managing others, but it works just as well
for motivating yourself. Who do you want to be? How do you want to be
remembered? Years ago, I set my life’s highest aspiration at having the largest
funeral attendance as possible. In other words, I wanted to have so much
positive impact on the planet that people would want to say goodbye to my
rotting bones. That sounds like a vague aspiration, but it isn’t. I can put almost
any decision I make and any human interaction through that aspiration filter,
and it tells me how to be.

Comparing
Comparing any two or more things is such a simple concept and so embedded
in everything we do that one would think it requires no further explanation.
But my observation is that 75 percent of the public tries to judge the value of a
thing compared to some imaginary standard and not to real alternatives. And
comparing to real alternatives is the only thing that is useful. We all need
reminders to make sure we are comparing the right things. It helps to train
yourself to always think in terms of contrast, especially when selling or
communicating in general.

For example, if you want to buy a house, your real estate agent will probably
show you several terrible properties first. They do that to make the more
expensive homes seem that much more desirable.
One way to understand the toxic effects of social media is that it changed
how we see ourselves by comparing us to the top social media celebrities in
the world instead of our sloppy friend Bob, to pick a random name. You might
be a superstar compared to sloppy Bob, but how do you stack up against the
most attractive and successful people in the world? That’s who you are
unintentionally competing with when you make social media a big part of your
life. It’s no surprise that social media is causing mental health problems,
especially with young people.
Proper comparisons are important in negotiations, communications, strategy,
humor, storytelling, financial analysis, and just about everything else that
matters. You already know the importance of sensible comparisons, but
keeping it at the front of your mind is likely to pay dividends.
And never compare yourself to imaginary perfections. That does nothing.
Pattern Recognition
The human brain is a pattern recognition machine but not a good one. It sees
false patterns everywhere. And those false patterns inform our biases and
bigotry. Once you understand brains as pattern recognition machines—as
opposed to logic machines—everything starts to make sense. For example,
now you know why people so often base their arguments on analogies instead
of reason. It’s because analogies are patterns. Whenever one thing reminds us
of another, we irrationally conclude one of those things can describe or predict
the other. We see this most vividly in the idea that “history repeats,” which is
closer to nonsense than insight. If history repeated, we’d all know what
happens next, and obviously we don’t.
And don’t let a historian tell you the problem is that you didn’t study history
hard enough. Even historians can’t predict the future.
Understanding the mind as a pattern recognition machine that isn’t good at
its job is one of the most useful buttons in the human interface for reality. Once
you find that button, everything makes more sense.
For example, do you believe people choose their religions based on reason
and data, or do they mostly adopt the religion they were raised in? An appeal
to logic and reason won’t answer that question. Understanding people as
pattern-driven does.
Team Instinct
As a civilization, we waste immense energy debating people who are not open
to being persuaded. They probably have the same problem when debating you.
Once people join a team, they will hallucinate any argument they need to help
that team “win.”
Social media exacerbated the problem by gamifying team play. If you make
a post that is popular with your followers, they reward you with reposts and
likes. It’s addicting and pulls us away from reason and compromise.
Once you see how powerful the team instinct is, you soon realize debate that
appeals to reason and data is useless. You’re in the wrong game. The other side
is not trying to win the argument, they’re trying to win the game. And winning
the game often means making ridiculous arguments that make your team clap
like seals no matter how absurd you are.

Association
Advertisers have long known that associating their product with something or
someone beloved allows some of the goodwill to rub off on the product. What
is less obvious is how often this guilt-by-association (on the dark side) or love-
by-association (on the good side) matters to your everyday experience.
For example, if you meet a romantic interest and carelessly guide the
conversation toward something tragic in the news, some of that tragedy will
rub off on you and diminish your appeal even though you had nothing to do
with it. So don’t bring up ugly topics when making a first impression or at any
other time during the getting-to-know-each-other phase. Later, an unpleasant
topic will have less impact on your appeal—after the first impression period
passes. But telling tragic stories still ruins the other person’s day, so avoid
doing that if you can.
When a producer pitches a movie to a studio, they often say what two
successful movies could be combined to create this new film, as in, “It’s like
ET meets Titanic.” If the studio executive liked both movies, some of that
goodwill spills over.
 You already knew corporations use the trick of associating things people like
with their products and associating things people don’t like with their
competitors. I’m suggesting you adopt their methods in the way you
communicate. Stick to communication that is funny, interesting, useful,
optimistic, and even inspirational. It makes you far more fun to be around. The
people who are not lucky enough to read this book will communicate the tragic
stuff to other people for you, at their own social expense.

Visualization
Whoever controls “the picture” usually wins the day. And by that, I mean what
mental image comes to mind when the topic is discussed. The more vivid, the
more persuasive. For example, the field of climate change was forever
changed by the famous hockey-stick graph that predicted a slow warming
period followed by a rapid uptick. Other images for climate change focused on
dying polar bears and hurricane coverage. When images that powerful enter
the debate, you can usually predict which direction the public will go. And
they have.
Similarly, what citizens think of illegal immigration is influenced mostly by
what pictures they have been exposed to, including the kind of “pictures” we
concoct in our imaginations.
The power of this “button” on the user interface of reality is that there are
often many variables at play, which makes it hard to know where things are
heading. But if you focus on what visual pops to mind when the topic comes
up, you can usually predict better than chance.
Do you remember when candidate Donald Trump labeled candidate Jeb
Bush “Low-energy Jeb”? The moment you heard that reframe, you got a
mental image of Bush barely able to shuffle across the room. There was no
competing visual because “normal Jeb” was the same guy.
Many things are persuasive. But visual persuasion wins against almost
everything but fear.
Okay, now you know the main buttons on the User Interface for Reality.
Drop your antiquated notions of a rational world that only needs a bit more
knowledge to make us all hold hands and get along. Instead, reframe life as a
dashboard of persuasion buttons you can push as needed to persuade others—
and to train your own brain to author your reality.

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 CHAPTER 8

How to Make Your Own

Reframes

N ow that you’ve been exposed to the reframes in this book, you’re

ready to start making your own. You might want to do that to handle
situations I didn’t cover or to tweak my examples for your specific
situation. These five rules will get you started:

1. Reframes don’t need to be true or even logical.

2. Reframes only need to work.
3. You can quickly test reframes in your mind and body.
4. A reframe approaches a topic from a new perspective.
5. If the reframe creates an advantage, keep it.

A good way to brainstorm reframes is to imagine how the smartest and

most aware people you know would approach a given situation. If you have
a sense for how those people view the world, you can start seeing it through
their eyes. For example, you can rely on some people to put a religious
interpretation on events and others to cynically tell you to “follow the
money.” Assemble an imaginary advisory board of people you know and
then imagine them giving you advice on the topic. The advice you imagine
is likely to include some reframes and even more likely to spark your own
creativity.
Once you have a reframe candidate to test, see if it’s sticky. Does your
mind automatically return to it? Do you find yourself repeating it in your
mind or even aloud? If so, that’s a good start. It doesn’t mean the reframe
will work, but it does tell you it’s sticky enough to rewire your brain with
repetition. Next, you test it. If it isn’t effective, restart the brainstorming.
I’ve known for years how powerful reframes can be. I credit much of my
success to their effectiveness. By now, you have experienced the power of
some of the reframes in this book. You probably felt some of them as soon
as you read them while dismissing others as not applicable to you. And
that’s okay.
This is a good time to remind you that some reframes will feel right
to you and others won’t work with your unique brain and personality.
My only caution is that you might not be good at knowing which ones
will work for you because reframes are often non-intuitive—and
sometimes goofy—by design.
If you are reading this sentence, you are probably already an improved
version of the person who started reading this book. Your software has been
updated. You are reborn, bristling with skills and freed from your past.
The final reframe is you.

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 CHAPTER 9

Just the Reframes

Introduction Reframes
Usual Frame: Taking the dog for a walk and failing.
Reframe: Taking the dog for a sniff and succeeding.
Usual Frame: I have nothing to do. I am just standing here.
Reframe: Perfect time to practice proper breathing and posture.
Usual Frame: I am waiting in line, which is a waste of time.
Reframe: I have time to breathe properly.
Usual Frame: Alcohol is a beverage.
Reframe: Alcohol is poison.

Success Reframes
Usual Frame: My odds of success are low.
Reframe: Maybe I am bad at estimating the odds.
Usual Frame: I fail at 90 percent of the things I try.
Reframe: I only need to succeed 10 percent of the time.
Usual Frame: I want to do (something).
Reframe: I have decided to do (something).
Usual Frame: Manage your time.
Reframe: Manage your energy.
Usual Frame: Your job is what your boss tells you it is.
 Reframe: Your job is to get a better job.
Usual Frame: I am bored with life.
Reframe: I am not embarrassing myself enough.
Usual Frame: Embarrassment is something to be avoided.
Reframe: Embarrassment is an investment.
Usual Frame: Being wrong is embarrassing and should be avoided.
Reframe: Fear of embarrassment forces you to be wrong.
Usual Frame: The effort is so big and daunting I can’t even start.
Reframe: What’s the smallest thing I can do that moves me in the right
direction?
Usual Frame: Success requires setting goals.
Reframe: Systems are better than goals.
Usual Frame: Focus on being excellent at a skill that has commercial
value.
Reframe: Acquire skills that work well together and make you rare and
flexible at the same time.
Usual Frame: Another problem! Why me???
Reframe: Ooh, a new puzzle to solve.
Usual Frame: Ugh, I hate this repetitive chore.
Reframe: I can do this chore so gracefully and efficiently it feels like a
game.
Usual Frame: Passion is the key to success.
Reframe: Passion is nice but not required.
Usual Frame: It takes money to make money.
Reframe: I can turn energy into money.
Usual Frame: Don’t give something for nothing.
Reframe: Giving triggers reciprocity (on average).
Usual Frame: Do your job.
Reframe: Do more than your job.
Usual Frame: Success depends on who you know.
Reframe: Success depends on how many people you know.
Usual Frame: Your hard work will be rewarded.
Reframe: The illusion of hard work will be rewarded.
Usual Frame: Do what you are told.
Reframe: Do what you are NOT told but maybe someone should have.
Usual Frame: Learn what you need.
Reframe: Learn continuously, especially skills that work well together.
Usual Frame: A plan will either work or not
Reframe: Friction and incentives always work. We just don’t know how
well until they are tested.
Usual Frame: Measure twice, cut once.
Reframe: Just start. See if you can figure it out as you go.
Usual Frame: School is boring but necessary.
Reframe: School is a competitive event. Game on.
Usual Frame: Compete against yourself and try to improve over time.
Reframe: Compete against others even if the others are unaware of the
competition.
Usual frame: You did this wrong.
Reframe: Your other work is stronger.
Alternate: I think you can top that.
Alternate: I’m not sure it’s possible to do this better, but let’s find out.
Alternate: May I show you a shortcut/trick?
Alternate: Let me show you how some people do it.
Usual Frame: Tell people what they did wrong, so they avoid it next time.
 Reframe: Tell people what they did well so they are motivated to
continue improving.
Usual Frame: The universe is acting against me.
Reframe: The universe owes me.
Usual Frame: Luck is random and can’t be managed.
Reframe: You can go where there is more luck (more energy).
Usual Frame: I am unusually unlucky this happened to me.
Reframe: Everyone has problems. No exceptions.
Usual Frame: Things should be fair. (me)
Reframe: Life isn’t fair. (Mom)
Usual Frame: Fairness is a desirable social goal.
Reframe: Fairness is the enemy of success.
Usual Frame: Avoid mistakes in your art.
Reframe: Invite mistakes into your art and keep the “good ones.”
Usual Frame: I need to come up with a good idea.
Reframe: I need to release all my bad ideas as quickly as possible.
Usual Frame: You feel like a fraud. Everyone else is competent.
Reframe: You are learning fast. Look at all you learned!
Usual Frame: I feel like an impostor at my job.
Reframe: Everyone is an impostor.
Usual Frame: Your mood is determined by your internal thoughts.
Reframe: You can improve your mood by completing meaningful tasks.
Usual Frame: Whatever managers do is managing.
Reframe: If you are not measuring, you are not managing.
Usual Frame: Some art is good, and some is bad.
Reframe: If there is a market for the art, it is good art.
Usual Frame: Praise for your creation predicts you have a hit.
Reframe: Only action predicts a hit, not words. Watch for people to
extend or modify your creation.
Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything to write.
Reframe 1: I’m in the wrong environment for writing.
Usual Frame: I have writer’s block.
Reframe 2: I’m trying to write at the wrong time of day.
Usual Frame: I can’t think of anything good to write.
Reframe 3: I can write something bad and fix it.

Mental Health Reframes

Usual Frame: I am my inner thoughts.
Reframe: I am what I do.
Usual Frame: Find yourself.
Reframe: Author yourself.
Usual Frame: Some people are good, and some are not.
Reframe: We’re all flawed, and we’re all good at different things.
Usual Frame: Art is entertainment.
Reframe: Art is a powerful, mind-altering drug.
Usual Frame: Your critics are evil monsters.
Reframe: Your critics are your mascots.
Usual Frame: Criticism feels like a dagger to your heart.
Reframe: Criticism is a chemical reaction in the skull of someone who
isn’t in the room.
Usual Frame: You should do what I think you should do.
Reframe: Go eat fudge. (Spoken only in your mind.)
Usual Frame: Everyone is thinking about me.
 Reframe: You are only a bit player in their movie.
Usual Frame: Social media is a form of entertainment.
Reframe: Social media is an addiction.
Usual Frame: An insult is damaging to my mental health.
Reframe: An insult is a confession that your accuser can’t refute your
opinion and/or has personal problems of some sort.
Usual Frame: An insult hurts because it means someone dislikes or
disrespects you.
Reframe: A stranger’s opinion of you—even if it gets published in The
New York Times—is little more than their personal diary entry.
Usual Frame: Germs will harm me.
Reframe: Germs make me stronger.
Usual Frame: Coldness is pain and a signal I am in danger.
Reframe: Coldness makes me healthier and stronger.
Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy, and I need to feel bad about it.
Reframe: The deceased has no more problems. How did I make this
about me?
Usual Frame: Death is a tragedy.
Reframe: It is an honor to help another pass.
Usual Frame: My feelings are the result of my situation.
Reframe: How I feel is my choice
Usual Frame: I hate someone who deserves it.
Reframe: Hate is nothing but punishing myself for the misdeeds of
others.
Usual Frame: Hate and anger are toxic feelings you hope will wear off.
Reframe: Hate and anger are a superpower level of energy you can use
for gain.
Usual Frame: Why can’t my problems go away?
Reframe: Everything has a right to exist, including this problem.
Usual Frame: Your ego is “you,” and it must be protected.
Reframe: Your ego is your enemy.
Usual Frame: Avoid embarrassment.
Reframe: Invite embarrassment and use it as a club to kill your ego.
Usual Frame: I am a priceless work of art that must be protected.
Reframe: I am a potato that is easily replaced.
Usual Frame: I worry something will go wrong.
Reframe: I’m curious what will happen.
Usual Frame: Worry about all potential bad outcomes.
Reframe: Control the heck out of things you can control. Accept all
outcomes.
Usual Frame: History is important.
Reframe: History doesn’t exist.
Usual Frame: Reality is exactly what you see and feel.
Reframe: Imagine the objects around you as virtual objects.
Usual Frame: My stress and anxiety are caused by events in my life.
Reframe: I won’t care about any of those events on my deathbed.
Usual Frame: I am in pain.
Reframe: I am in pain for a minute.
Usual Frame: You are the center of your universe and the highest priority.
Reframe: Viewed from space, everything looks small, including your
problems
Usual Frame: You need to stop thinking negative thoughts.
Reframe: You can’t subtract negative thoughts. But you can crowd them
out.
Usual Frame: I’m afraid to do the thing I know I should do.
Reframe: Life is short.
Usual Frame: I must do this pattern of behavior or else something bad will
happen.
Reframe: I no longer need to do the behavior because less is more.
Usual Frame: Confidence is something you’re born with.
Reframe: Confidence is something you learn.
Usual Frame: People have better social skills than I do.
Reframe: I am in the top 10 percent of people with good social skills
(after reading this chapter).
Usual Frame: Each person at the gathering is a source of potential
embarrassment for me.
Reframe: Each person has a problem (social awkwardness) that I can
solve right now.
Usual Frame: No one wants to talk to me. I’m boring.
Reframe: Everyone enjoys talking to people who show interest in them.
Usual Frame: Be yourself and keep it real.
Reframe: Adjust your communication style for the situation.
Usual Frame: Is this a good decision?
Reframe: Can we test it small?
Usual Frame: People judge me, so I feel bad when I mess up.
Reframe: People only care about themselves. They don’t care what
dumb thing I did recently, even if they mention it.
Usual Frame: Stress comes with the job.
Reframe: Reducing stress IS your job.
Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
 Reframe: It’s no different from a clock reading 2:00 PM exactly once a
day. It is just cause and effect. It has no meaning.
Usual Frame: Why did I survive when others did not?
Reframe: Every specific thing that has happened to me since birth is
extraordinarily unlikely. This is more of that.
Usual Frame: Why me?
Reframe: God needs you here for something important.
Usual Frame: I feel a responsibility to hold this guilt.
Reframe: You have my permission to release your guilt.
Usual Frame: I feel bad that I was the lone survivor.
Reframe: What would the dead want you to do—suffer or be happy?
Usual Frame: You could have done more.
Reframe: Everyone can do more. It is a meaningless concept.
Usual Frame: Avoid addiction.
Reframe: Choose your addictions wisely.
Usual Frame: People with bad judgment often pursue dangerous and
unproductive pleasures.
Reframe: People need a minimum level of pleasure to make life worth
living, and if they can’t get it safely, they will get it unsafely.
Usual Frame: Some people have no willpower. They are weak.
Reframe: Some people get more pleasure from certain vices than you do.
Usual Frame: There are good days and bad.
Reframe: All days are useful in different ways.
Usual Frame: Freedom is the ability to do what you want.
Reframe: Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.
Usual Frame: I can’t handle this for the rest of my life.
Reframe: I can do anything for a day.
Usual Frame: I am a victim of my past traumas.
Reframe: History is imaginary.
Usual Frame: I am angry because something happened.
Reframe: I am living in the past.
and . . .
Usual Frame: I am anxious.
Reframe: I am living in the future (but not in a good way).
Usual Frame: You are the result of your traumas.
Reframe: You are a random bundle of loose wires.
Usual Frame: My trauma crippled me.
Reframe: My trauma is why I can kick your ass.
Usual Frame: Live in the now.
Reframe: Imagine even your smallest actions influencing your future.
Usual Frame: Safe things are safe. Dangerous things are dangerous.
Reframe: Safe-looking things can be dangerous. Dangerous-looking
things can be safe.
Usual Frame: Happiness comes from within.
Reframe: Use the external world to program your brain for happiness.
Usual Frame: My mind is in my brain.
Reframe: My mind includes my brain, body, and physical environment.
Any change to one changes the others.

Social Life Reframes

Usual Frame: Be yourself.
Reframe: Become a better version of yourself.
Usual Frame: Learn to love yourself as you are.
Reframe: Be glad your brain is pestering you to improve.
Usual Frame: This person needs my advice.
Reframe: This person might need some information, empathy, or some
help organizing their thoughts.
Usual Frame: People who complain want solutions.
Reframe: Some people who complain just enjoy complaining.
Usual Frame: This person has a strong personality. I must become stronger
to deal with it as an equal.
Reframe: This person is toxic. I must escape now.
Usual Frame: Giving compliments is awkward, creepy, or manipulative.
Reframe: Withholding a compliment is almost immoral.
Usual Frame: No one seems to find me attractive.
Reframe: I haven’t met enough people.
Usual Frame: I need to go find someone to be my romantic partner.
Reframe: I need to signal my genetic advantages to attract a romantic
partner.
Usual Frame: I’m trying to make a dining decision with a crazy person.
Please shoot me.
Reframe: It’s not about food. It’s about the illusion of control.
Usual Frame: I need a decision.
Reframe: I need a copilot to share the blame.
Usual Frame: The usual patterns hold (non-humor).
Reframe: The usual patterns are violated (humor).
Usual Frame: Marriage is about finding your soul mate.
Reframe: Marriage is about finding love with someone who values
promises.
Usual Frame: Marriage is a great system, so if your marriage fails, that
means one or both of you messed up.
 Reframe: So many marriages ending in divorce proves that marriage is a
poorly designed system.
Usual Frame: I want my relationship to last forever.
Reframe: Nothing lasts forever.
Usual Frame: This breakup ends my hopes for happiness.
Reframe: There are happier third marriages than first.
Usual Frame: I have lost my soulmate.
Reframe: I have a million soulmates I have not yet met.
Usual Frame: I am crying because my relationship ended.
Reframe: “Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.”—Dr.
Seuss
Usual Frame: A teen can’t understand the “reason” parents have given, and
it turns into a power struggle.
Reframe: The parent is a guide for young brains that are not yet capable
of understanding adult reasons.
Usual Frame: I’m talking to you, teen, and this is between us.
Reframe: I must answer to your future self, not your current self.
Usual Frame: People treat you poorly, and you can’t do much about it.
Reframe: You cause people to act the way they do.
Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.
Reframe: The person with the best ideas is in charge.
Usual Frame: The experts are in charge.
Reframe: The best communicator is in charge.
Usual Frame: The boss is in charge.
Reframe: The most capable people are in charge.
Usual Frame: The people in charge have the power.
Reframe: Power = (Persuasion skill) x (Audience size)
Usual Frame: I can discern people’s motives by their actions.
Reframe: Mind-reading isn’t real. Humans are terrible at discerning
motives.
Usual Frame: Most people are normal, but I’m a basket case.
Reframe: Everyone is a basket case once you get to know them.
Usual Frame: Judge people by their mistakes.
Reframe: Judge people by how they respond to their mistakes.
Usual Frame: People who are always late are either incompetent or
uncaring or both.
Reframe: Some people have time blindness.
Usual Frame: Small acts of kindness are good.
Reframe: There are no small acts of kindness.

Physical Health Reframes

Usual Frame: When I am hungry, I eat food.
Reframe: Some food is fuel. Some food is entertainment.
Usual Frame: Overeating is a willpower problem.
Reframe: Overeating is a knowledge problem.
Usual Frame: I eat too much of the wrong food.
Reframe: I spend too much time with the wrong people.
Usual Frame: I want food, so I must be hungry.
Reframe: I want food, so I might be tired.
Usual Frame: I have a weight loss goal.
Reframe: I need to create a weight loss system for myself.
Usual Frame: Sugar is delicious but don’t overdo it.
Reframe: Sugar is poison.
Usual Frame: I am tempted by bad carbs.
 Reframe: I’m not the kind of person who eats bad carbs.
Usual Frame: My stomach has room for more food.
Reframe: I’ve had enough.
Usual Frame: I’m hungry, so I need food.
Reframe: I’m hungry, so I need protein.
Usual Frame: Exercising requires willpower and motivation.
Reframe: Exercising is easier than not exercising if you turn it into a
habit.
Usual Frame: It’s important to learn the best ways to exercise.
Reframe: The best exercises are the ones you are willing to do.
Usual Frame: I can’t get to sleep.
Reframe: I didn’t work hard enough.

Reality Reframes
Usual Frame: Nuclear Power is risky.
Reframe: Nuclear power is green.
Usual Frame: People are rational 90 percent of the time.
Reframe: People are rational 10 percent of the time if that.
Usual Frame: One of us is right, and one is wrong.
Reframe: We are watching two different movies on one screen.
Usual Frame: You should spread your genes.
Reframe: No matter what you do, your genes will be diluted with each
generation until your contribution nears zero.
Usual Frame: The best worldview is the true one.
Reframe: The best worldview is one that predicts the best
Usual Frame: Predicting people’s actions involves many variables.
Reframe: Follow the money. That’s all you need.
Usual Frame: Life is about avoiding pain while pursuing happiness and
meaning.
Reframe: Life is an adventure.
Usual Frame: Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
Reframe: Citizens are innocent until proven guilty. Corporations and
governments are presumed guilty until proven innocent.
Usual Frame: No cheating has been detected, so the organization is
innocent.
Reframe: Whenever there is an opportunity for cheating and not getting
caught, a lot to gain from cheating, and lots of people involved, cheating
will always happen.
Usual Frame: People come up with their own opinions.
Reframe: People join teams, and the media assigns their opinions.
Usual Frame: Others think and feel approximately as I do.
Reframe: Others are unimaginably different.

The Operating System for Your Mind

Usual Frame: You are the product of your experiences and genes.
Reframe: You are the author of your experience.
Usual Frame: I deserve to be treated well by others.
Reframe: You get what you give, on average. No one deserves anything.
Usual Frame: Reality is objective, and science helps us understand it.
Reframe: Our so-called reality is a simulation created by a higher
intelligence.
Alternate: You are in a video game, and you have certain problems to
solve to get to the next level.
Usual Frame: We have different memories.
Reframe: We created different subjective realities.
Usual Frame: Reality is objective.
Reframe: There might be an objective reality, but human brains don’t
have access to it.
Usual Frame: Reality is only subjective in terms of our opinions and
preferences.
Reframe: We can treat all of reality as subjective and get a good
outcome, as if we authored it ourselves.

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 Acknowledgments

T hank you to Joshua Lisec for an impressive job editing this book and
for managing all elements of getting it independently published.
Thank you to my subscribers on Locals, who saved me when the world
turned ugly. I can’t thank you enough. I hope I can return the favor.
And thank you to the newspapers and publishing companies that canceled
me. I didn’t realize how much I missed my artistic freedom until I got it
back.

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 About the Author

S cott Adams is best known as the creator of the Dilbert comic strip that
ran in newspapers and later on websites around the world from 1989
until 2023. In recent years, Adams is better known as the author of the most
influential book in the field of personal success—How to Fail at Almost
Everything and Still Win Big.
Adams is a trained hypnotist and the host of Coffee with Scott Adams, a
daily livestream analyzing news events and politics through a persuasion
lens. The show is available at 10:00 AM Eastern every day on YouTube and
scottadams.locals.com (for subscribers) live. Recorded episodes are also on
Rumble and on most podcast apps.

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