Marital Harmony Guide

National Tarbiyat Department
Marital Harmony Guide

By
National Tarbiyat Department, USA
April 2017
The relationship
between a husband and wife
should be like
two true and sincere friends.
[Malfuzat, vol. 5, pp. 417]
MARITAL HARMONY GUIDE
Preface
In 2016, the Tarbiyat Subcommittee of Majlis-e-Shura recommended that
the National Tarbiyat Department should develop a concise referenced
educational guide on the topic of Islamic marriage and marital harmony.
Consequently, the National Tarbiyat Department developed this booklet.

To improve the readability of this guide, our team has tried to present it in
a question-answer format. Section one pertains to questions that may
arise before marriage and section three deals with questions that typical-
ly arise after marriage. Section two is a brief summary of issues that may
come up at the time of wedding. While the building block of marital
harmony is honesty and Taqwa, we believe that a better understanding of
these issues can help a marriage to succeed. All answers are provided
only in the words of Holy Quran, Prophet Muhammad (sa), Promised
Messiah (a.s) or Khulafa-e-Ahmadiyyat.
If you believe an important excerpt from the above texts is missing from
this guide and will help the reader, kindly send the exact reference to us
before July 1st 2017. We will gladly include it in the upcoming print
edition.
I am deeply grateful to Imam Hammad Ahmad who did a great deal of

work to compile this guide and to Imam Abdullah Dibba and Sardar
Anees Ahmad for their final review. Naveed Malik from Silver Spring was
the graphic designer. Please remember them in your special prayers.
Wasalaam,
Faheem Younus Qureshi

Serving National Tarbiyat Department, USA
April 23rd, 2017
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Section I - Before Marriage

What is the purpose of marriage?
[30:22] And one of His Signs is this, that He has created wives for you from
among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them, and He has
put love and tenderness between you. In that surely are Signs for a people
who reflect.
“The purpose of Nikah is for the continuity of one’s progeny, to protect

one’s chastity, to attain love and peace, and to give the responsibility of a
safe married life. The Qur’an names those married men and women as
muhsin and muhsina, which means to be enclosed in a fort. This shows
that the purpose of marriage is to safeguard oneself from satanic
intuitions and attacks; also, it is to protect one’s chastity and righteous-
ness.” (Fiqah Ahmadiyya Part 2, pp. 18-19)
“One of the purposes of marriage is that righteous servants of God may be

born who may remember Him. The second purpose is that husband and
wife may safeguard themselves against improper looks and misconduct
through each other. The third purpose is that mutual love develops
between them, safeguarding them against the distress of loneliness. All
this is set out in the Holy Qur’an.” (Chashma-i-Ma‘rifat, Ruhani Khaza’in, Vol.
23, pp. 292-293)
In his speech of 25th June 1920, after announcing some marriages,

Hadhrat Musleh Maudra said: “It is necessary for the boy, the girl and their
parents to know the purpose of marriage because without knowing the
purpose of something it becomes impossible to act upon it …
Likewise with marriage, if someone doesn’t know its purpose they won’t
be able to benefit from it. When the understanding of something is
acquired then it becomes easy to benefit from it. For example, people who
don’t know the purpose of food could say that one eats when one is
hungry; therefore, there is benefit behind it. But those who have reflected
over it know its benefits and have discovered remedies from it … So the
purpose of marriage is not jut for carnal desires. Those who think it is
[primarily] for carnal desires are wrong. The doctors of European countries
who take that to be the only purpose of marriage admit that a lack of
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knowledge of the true purpose of marriage has led to their weak offspring.
It is not merely for love and affection, because that love is a temporal emo-
tion, as are anger, desires, etc. in which man doesn’t care … Therefore,
those who base their marriage on love lose everything when the love dies
out. When a man marries a woman because of her beauty, but she has very
bad habits and cannot take care of the household, his life becomes a hell
for him. Therefore, the purpose of marriage is Taqwa (the fear of Allah),
safety of self and progeny, and for there to be success and ease in one’s
religious and worldly affairs. Islam understands this and teaches it as well.”
How should one pray before the marriage?
[25:75] And those who say, ‘Our Lord, grant us of our wives and children
the delight of our eyes, and make us a model for the righteous.
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) said, "There are two types of Istikhara, one is
general Istikhara and the other is specific Istikhara. The general Istikhara is
done first and the specific Istikhara is done after.”
"The general Istikhara is that a person pray without thinking of anyone

specific that, 'O Allah, grant me a spouse with whose soul I have affinity.'
Secondly, the specific Istikhara should be observed when an opportunity

arises. One should pray taking the name of the person with whom there is
a proposal. In this way, the general Istikhara safeguards the specific Istikha-
ra. Some people observe the first Istikhara and do not observe the second
Istikhara, and some people observe the second Istikhara and do not
observe the first Istikhara. Both should be observed and then the result
ends up being correct."
"Some people are first fond of a certain woman, and then they observe
Istikhara. In such an Istikhara, the inclination of the person generally
affects the outcome and they start thinking that the result of the Istikhara
was good. However, if they were not inclined to the proposal, then accord-
ing to their inclination they think the Istikhara went against the proposal.
However, the Istikhara did not go in favor of or against the proposal.
Rather, it was their inclination that went in favor of or against the proposal,
from which they come to the wrong conclusion." (Khutbate Nikah, pg. 435)
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Why is there a need for such a marital harmony guide?
Unfortunately complaints regarding this subject are on the rise. At times,

extremely coarse allegations are made about women or they are severely
mistreated by the in-laws and if it were not for the grace of Allah that in
light of His commandment ‘keep on admonishing’
(87:10) and in subservience and representation of the Holy Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allah be on him) and the Promised Messiah (on whom be
peace) attention is drawn to counsel and to advise, there would be great
despondence and hopelessness.
Huzur said that today he would counsel and advice in the hope that his
counselling will be blessed, he prayed that may Allah bless the words that
he counsels with. Huzur said it is distressing to hear incidents concerning
marital friction in the sense that our aims and objections are so lofty, and
here we are entangled in egotistical webs borne out of trivial matters. Both
men and women should self-reflect; in addition both sides of in-laws
should self-reflect, for it could be the fault of either side - although it is
usually the male side that commits the excesses. (Friday Sermon, Novem-
ber 10th 2006)
What’s the magnitude of the problem?
Huzur (aba) said that on his instruction Ameer Sahib (UK) has carried out a
survey that tells us that the rate of incidents of culpability amongst men
are three times that of women [and] in 30% to 40% of the matters it is the
in-laws who create the friction.
Putting it in perspective, Huzur (aba) said it is not as if there is no virtue or

sincerity in the Community; certainly the majority of the Community is
firm on what is good. There are even those who trust their daugh-
ters-in-law more than their own offspring. However, regarding this issue, if
similar surveys were carried out in USA or Canada as the one in the UK, a
similar picture would emerge there. The Tarbiyyat department and all the
auxiliaries need to be very proactive in this matter. (Friday Sermon,
November 10th 2006)
What’s wrong with the idea of not marrying at all?
The Holy Prophet (peace and blessing of Allah be on him) said: "Marriage
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is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are

not of me" (Ibn Majah).
"When a man has married, he has completed one half of his religion"
(Mishkat).
What is the true interpretation of a "Qawwam"?
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (ra) said, "Those men are Qawwam who finan-
cially provide for their wives. Those useless men who live off of the income
of their wives are not at all Qawwam." (Commentary 4:35)
“You hear so much about women’s liberation and women’s rights, etc.
Islam speaks of a comprehensive fundamental principle, which covers all
situations: And they (the women) have rights similar and equal to those (of
men) over them in equity; (i.e., for women, there are exactly equal rights as
for men, as men have rights upon women. There is thus total equality and
there is no difference whatsoever between the fundamental human rights
of women and men.) But men have a degree of advantage over them. And
Allah is Mighty and Wise.
In another part of a verse of the Holy Quran, it is stated: Men are appointed
guardians over women because of that in respect of which Allah has made
some of them excel others despite the fact that they spend of their wealth.
From the Arabic word Qawwamun (guardians made responsible to keep

their wards on the right path), some medieval-minded ulema deduce and
claim the superiority of men over women, whereas the verse only refers to
an advantage that the breadwinner has over his dependents. As such, the
guardian is better qualified to exert moral pressure on the wards to contin-
ue to remain on the right path. As far as basic human rights are concerned,
it does not in any way refer to women being unequal or to men’s superiori-
ty over women. The last part of the verse refers to the above-mentioned
advantage and makes it manifestly clear that despite this advantage, the
fundamental rights of women are exactly equal to those of men. The
Arabic letters wa is to be translated as ‘despite the fact that’ or ‘while’ and in
this context seems to be the only correct translation.” (Islam’s Response to
Contemporary Issues, pp. 93-94)
“In this regard, the verse cited earlier, which refers to guardians (Qawwa-
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mun), lays a very heavy responsibility on the shoulders of a husband. If his

conduct is not conducive to the creation of an ideal atmosphere for a
healthy family life, he would have failed in his responsibility to act as a
guardian (Qawwam). It should be remembered that the best example of
Qawwam was the Holy Founder (sa) of Islam himself. He was neither harsh,
nor dictatorial, nor in any way offensive or over-assertive in relation to his
family. To keep them on the right path was a grave responsibility, but the
way that he discharged this responsibility serves as an excellent living
example for all times to come for all those who want to investigate and
comprehend the real meaning of the epithet Qawwam.
In a famous tradition, Abu Hurairah (ra) relates that the Holy Prophet (sa)
said: “The most perfect of believers in the matter of faith is he whose
behavior is best; and the best of you are those who behave best towards
their wives.” (Tirmidhi)
If the parents really want their children to grow up into members of a

righteous society, they should remember that mutual relationships
between husbands and wives are going to play an important role in the
making or breaking of the character of their children.” (Islam’s Response to
Contemporary Issues, p. 108)
Huzoor (aba) said, “Every married man is the guardian of his family, and
looking after their needs is his responsibility. Man has been made the
Qawwam, and to provide for the expenses of the home and for the educa-
tion of the children is his responsibility. However, unfortunately in the
Jama’at there are some men who, rather than providing the expenses of
the home, instead ask their wives to to pay their expenses. However, they
have no right on the income of their wives. If a wife pays some expenses,
then that is her favor to her husband.” (Khutbate Masroor 2004, pg. 184,
March 5 2004)
What is the real meaning of "arranged marriage"?
“No marriage can be arranged and entered into without the consent of
both man and woman. However, the woman needs a guardian or repre-
sentative for the arrangement. The purpose is to safeguard her rights and
to maintain her modesty. Islam allows both the man and the woman to see
and talk to each other before the marriage, with a chaperon present at
these meetings.” (Khalifatul Masih IV, Questions and answers, 6/21/92)
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What are the rights of a boy and girl if they don't like a proposed
match?
“It is narrated by Ibn ‘Abbas (ra) that a virgin girl came to the Holy prophet
(sa) and said that her father had married her with someone but she did not
like him. The Holy Prophet (sa) gave her the option to maintain that
marriage or reject it.” (Abi Dawud, Bab Fil-Bikr Yuzawwijuha Abaha)
“It is regrettable that some demand from the first day that they do not
wish to live with their spouse and it transpires that the marriage only took
place due to parental pressure and that their intent was to marry
elsewhere. Huzur said parents should not destroy lives in this manner.”
(https://www.alislam.org/archives/2006/summary/FSS20061110-EN.html)
What are Islamic teachings on cousin marriages?
“Indeed, one should take into consideration the proposals from within
one's family, but even then it is not compulsory. The Promised Messiah (as)
was also once asked in regards to the proposals from one's own family, and
the Promised Messiah (as) said that it is better to settle the marriage within
one's family if a suitable match is available, but it is not compulsory to do
so.” (https://www.alislam.org/friday-sermon/2017-03-03.html)
When should we go for premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling should be conducted weeks and months ahead of

the wedding date so both sides have time to identify and resolve any
differences. More information and a premarital counseling request form
are available at www.rishtanata.us
What are the conditions surrounding the paying of a dowry (Huq

Mehr)? What steps should be taken if a wife agrees to forego the
dowry?
Huzoor (aba) said that Islam has laid down various injunctions to secure
the future of a woman. One of these is that a dowry should be fixed for her
at the time of Nikah which the husband is obligated to pay. Some people
have a misunderstanding that dowry is only to be paid in case of divorce
or separation. Some people covet the earnings of their wives. Likewise,
there is a custom in some poor families and countries that the bride’s
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parents receive the dowry from the bridegroom at the time of the wed-
ding and the bride receives nothing and remains empty handed. Huzoor
(aba) said that such ways are totally unlawful and are strictly forbidden by
Islam. Citing an episode of a companion of the Promised Messiah (as),
Huzoor (aba) said that it is essential to hand over the dowry to the wife
before she chooses to forego it.
(https://www.alislam.org/tj/sermons/FSJ20160401-EN.pdf )
Marrying with bad intentions (Green card, immigration, etc.)
Citing part of verse 20 from Surah Al Nisa (4:20) as a guide, Huzur (aba) said
there is a tendency among some men from India & Pakistan who marry
girls living in the Western world that as soon as their immigration status is
confirmed, they tend to turn nasty. Then there are those who marry girls
from Pakistan, etc. but later maintain that they do not quite like them. It
has become trendy to maintain that they feel there is no compatibility.
These people should reflect and ponder over this; their actions are far
removed from taqwa.
(Friday Sermon, November 10th 2006)
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Section II -
At the Time of the Wedding
What is our position on Mehndi?
So much money is spent on marriage celebrations that in places

where these rituals are followed, people have assumed that these
are among the obligations of marriage. For example, there is the
Mehndi (henna) ceremony. It is given the same significance as the
wedding day. Invitation cards are printed, stages are prepared and
series of parties continue for many days prior to the wedding. Each
day a new stage is set up [and] lavish meals are discussed and
reviewed. This ritual has also grabbed hold of those who do not
have the means to afford it and as a result they go into debt.
Non-Ahmadis have been following these rituals but now some

Ahmadi households are also practicing some of these idle matters.
Huzur (aba) said he had recently drawn attention that we should
desist from extravagance and lavish dinners at the Mehndi ceremo-
ny. On the day [of the earlier sermon] a family from London were
holding a Mehndi reception. Upon listening to Huzur’s sermon, they
cancelled the reception and instead invited a few friends of the
bride to dinner. They sent the food which was prepared for the
reception to a function that was being held at Baitul Futuh. Such are
the Ahmadis who act immediately upon being reminded and also
write in letters of apology. However, Huzur (aba) said he has
received some complaints from Pakistan and also from Rabwah.
Some people are getting involved in these rituals a little too much.
Rabwah is a small town, so everything is noted quite quickly there.
Therefore, Huzur (aba) said he was saying it openly that these idle
rituals and ceremonies should not be followed and should be
brought to an end. Friday Sermon, Jan 15 2010
Should all the guests at the wedding be served a meal?
In Islam, marriage is an obligation and a wedding reception may be
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held if it can be afforded. Meals can be served at the reception,

although it is not essential that all the guests be served a meal. If the
wedding party is travelling from a long distance, then maybe just
they can be served a meal. However, if the law of the land does not
permit serving a meal then it should be avoided. At one time, serv-
ing a meal at weddings was legislated against in Pakistan. Huzur
(aba) said he was not aware of the exact current restrictions but
some restrictions still apply. The authentic commandment in Islam
is that of holding a reception for Walima, that, too, in accordance
with one’s means. God has told us the objective of our creation and
any good work that is done to please God becomes [a form of ] wor-
ship. (Friday Sermon, Jan 15 2010)
Can we borrow money to prepare a befitting dowry for our

daughter?
At times, women are reproached and given taunts for not bringing
enough dowry. Such people need to look at the blessed model of
the Holy Prophet (sa) in this regard and how he married off his
daughters by adopting simplicity when gifting the dowry. Similarly,
the family of the bride should not place undue burden upon them-
selves and only gift what they can easily afford. (Friday Sermon,
March 3rd, 2017)
Shouldn’t we be worried about the financial status of a poten-

tial bridegroom?
Huzur added that the girls' side of the family often ask before the
marriage whether the boys has a house of his own and if not, then
they do not pursue with the proposal. This is also wrong because
eventually one is able acquire a house of their own but marriages
should be settled by giving precedence to Taqwa [righteousness]
and not by worldly standards. Similarly, certain families do not give
their daughters in marriage to missionaries because they are
life-devotees. (Friday sermon, March 3rd, 2017)
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Section III - After Marriage

After marriage, is it recommended to live with parents/in-laws, or on
our own?
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih I (ra) said, "In India, people often complain
of arguments at home, especially between mother-in-laws and
daughter-in-laws. If they act on the Holy Qur'an, this will not
happen. Look, it gives guidance that homes should be separate, the
mother's home separate and the married children's home separate."
(Commentary 24:62)
Huzoor (aba) stated: “One malady, because of which homes are

being destroyed and a constant state of fighting and restlessness in
homes exists, is that boys are staying with their parents and siblings
in the same house even after marriage, despite having means and
without any legitimate reason. If the parents are elderly, there is no
one to serve them, they cannot move about doing activities, and
there is no helper, then it is necessary and obligatory for that child
to keep them with him and serve them. However, if there are
siblings who are living with them, then there is nothing wrong with
having a separate home. Nowadays, much harm are created
because of this. If by living together you fall into more sins, then
this service is no goodness.”
"(Verse 24:62 of the Holy Qur'an) gives guidance that homes should
be separate. The mother's home should be separate and the mar-
ried children's home separate, only then will you go to one anoth-
er’s homes and eat there. This perception of people, that if they live
separately from their parents [this] would be a great sin, is wrong.
Some parents instill fear in their children and blackmail them, as if
they will be hell bound as soon as they start living separately. This
is an extremely wrong attitude.
Many times I have asked girls; in-front of their mother-in-law and

father-in-law they say that they are living by their own choice, in
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fact even their husbands say this. However, when I ask them sepa-
rately, the response from both of them is that they are living togeth-
er because they have to. The result is that sometimes the daugh-
ter-in-law is transgressing against the mother-in-law, and some-
times the mother-in-law is transgressing against the daugh-
ter-in-law.”
Huzoor stated, “Most families live with great love, but those who
cannot should not make emotional decisions. Rather, if they have
the capacity and facility, and there is no necessity, then it is better
that they live separately. This is a very good point by Hazrat Khalifat-
ul Masih I (ra) that if living together is so important, then why have
the homes of the parents been mentioned separately?” (Khutbate
Masroor vol. 4 pg. 570-571)
Can a girl work after she is married?
Hazrat Khalifa Rabi (rh) said, "Some ladies have such professions as
are very important for the lady folk itself, for instance lady doctors.
Their profession also, perhaps, interferes to some degree with
primary purpose of creation, yet it helps the women folk in general
and that is in itself a very useful occupation. So, I fully support ladies
becoming lady doctors, particularly specializing in the diseases of
ladies, so that they don't have to go to men."
Hazrat Musleh Maud's (ra) own wife, Hazrat Sarah (rh), was not able
to raise her youngest child because she was extremely busy in
studying so that she could gain the education needed to educate
the women of the Jama'at. (Meri Sarah, pg 8)
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) said, "Thus, we have to see what knowl-
edge we are in need of. We are in need of the knowledge of religion.
If a girl passes in M.A. but she does not know training of children
and homemaking, then she is not a scholar but is ignorant. The first
obligation of a mother is training of children, and then homemak-
ing. She who studies Hadith and the Holy Qur'an is a religious and
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Muslim woman. If a woman progresses in studying general books

so that she can become a teacher or learn medicine, then this is
beneficial because we are in need of this but all other subjects are
vain." (Anwarul Ulum, vol 13 pg 201)
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) said, "Similarly, women say that we will
have jobs; but if they have jobs, then their offspring will be ruined.
How will they train their children ... The real responsibility on
women is the education and training of children, and this responsi-
bility is no less than the responsibility of Jihad. If the training of
children is done well, then the foundation of a people is firm and
they progress. If their training is not done well, then one day or
another those people are inevitably ruined." (Anwarul Ulum, vol 15
pg 28)
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) wrote, "Many girls are studying just for
earning and employment, although the duty of a woman is not
employment. This trend of employment of women is a remnant
from the cursed remnants of Western culture. Islam has placed the
responsibility of providing income on men. "Men are guardians
over women because Allah has made some of them excel others,
and because they (men) spend of their wealth. So virtuous women
are those who are obedient, and guard the secrets of their
husbands with Allah’s protection." (4:35) ...Thus, rather than spend-
ing their time in some other way, righteous women should spend
their time in the protection and guardianship of men, and in the
absence of men when they are out earning a living, they should,
with the help of Allah Almighty, safeguard those trusts that have
been entrusted to them, as in they should turn their attention to
matters of homemaking, train the children, keep the morals of the
home and neighborhood right, etc." (Meri Sarah pg 23)
The Holy Prophet (sa) said, "The man is a guardian of his family, the
woman is a guardian and is responsible for her husband's house
and his offspring" (Bukhari, Muslim)
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Huzur (aba) advised women with children, “The first responsibility is

the raising of children. If she is starving, then she may work, but she
should have enough resolve to go and come straight back from
work and also raise her children. If she is working only to earn
money to do fashion, then she should leave her job.” (https://ww-
w.youtube.com/watch?v=0a-PHZcqxRM)
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (rh) said, "Islam has placed the responsi-
bility on men to earn a living. It carries a profound wisdom in it.
Although women are allowed to earn when necessary and to fulfill
their needs, but only if they are unable to avoid it. But to earn as a
profession is men’s responsibility." (Hawa Ki Betian pg 148)
Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) said, “The intentions of Hazrat Khadija (ra)
were very lofty. When the Holy Prophet (sa) married her, she quickly
perceived that she had married a man who has self-respect. She
realized that, ‘He does not have wealth and I have great wealth;
when I place food before him, then he will feel that his wife has
given him food; if I have clothes made for him, then he will feel that
his wife had it made for him; if I give him money, he will feel his wife
has given him money. He will not be able to bear this because God
Almighty has made him a man with self respect.’ Thus, after mar-
riage, Hazrat Khadija (ra) said to the Holy Prophet (sa) that, ‘I have a
wish, please accept it.’ He asked what the matter was. She said, ‘I
wish to call witnesses and give you all of my wealth, spend it as you
wish.’ Hearing this might have also been difficult for the Holy Proph-
et (sa) but Hazrat Khadija (ra) said, ‘I also give all of my slaves to you.’
Since the Holy Prophet (sa) did not like slavery, this also became a
reason why he accepted the request of Hazrat Khadija (ra). He (sa)
said, ‘Khadija, think it over well, lest you regret it afterwards. I do not
like keeping slaves, and if you give me your slaves, I will immediately
free them.’ Hazrat Khadija (ra) said that she accepted. Thus, Hazrat
Khadija (ra) gave all of her wealth and all of her slaves to the Holy
Prophet (sa) and he immediately freed all of them.” “Hazrat Khadija
(ra) did not just marry a poor man. After marrying him, she also did
not care for whether her wealth would be a source of comfort for
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her. She turned her wealth over to her husband as well so that he
may give it away. This quality is the reason why the Holy Prophet
(sa) had extreme love for her in his heart.” (Khutbate Nikah, pg.
667-668)
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (rh) said, "The guiding principle I have

told you [is] that you should think within you, what is the main
purpose of your creation in a way which is different from men. Allah
could make us exactly the same, but He has made us different
because our functions are different."
Can a husband or wife pursue higher education after marriage?
Any career would be all right which does not interfere with the
purpose of their creation as women. Women are held mainly
responsible and this is how they are created differently from man.
To give birth to children, the future generation of mankind, look
after them and bring them up in a way as the future of mankind is
brighter and better than before; at least it is as good as the present,
not worse. This is a very great and grave responsibility on the shoul-
ders of ladies. If they are drawn much more to other hollow activi-
ties of life which begins to tell on their main function, and which
begins to divert their attention from the main purpose for which
they are created, then to that extent, humanity as such would begin
to suffer. And they may leave such generations behind as would be
in a worse state of human relationships as they would not be well
brought up. So any profession which begins to interfere with this
timely function of ladies would be that much discouraged. To that
degree, it should be discouraged. But that is not a general rule.
Some ladies have such professions that are very important for the
lady folk itself, for instance lady doctors. Their profession also
perhaps interferes, to some degree, with the primary purpose of
creation, yet it helps the women folk in general and that in itself is a
very useful occupation. So I fully support ladies becom[ing] lady
doctors, particularly specializing in the diseases of ladies so that
they do not have to go to men. But otherwise there are other
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professions which draw them out to a life pattern that they are
ill-suited … So whatever we do in life, we should not let this main
purpose of our creation be interfered with. (Hadhrat Khalifatul
Masih, Question and Answer Session 8th June 1985)
Should a husband or wife have friends who are of the opposite

gender? What if they are co-workers that they spend time with
at work?
Hadhrat Umm Salamah (ra), wife of the Holy Prophet (sa), narrates,
“Whenever Allah's Messenger (sa) finished his prayers with Taslim,
the women would get up and he would stay on for a while in his
place before getting up.” (Bukhari)
Hadhrat Umm Salamah, wife of the Holy Prophet (sa), also said,
“When the Messenger of Allah (sa) gave the salutation, he stayed for
a while. By this people thought that women should return earlier
than men.” (Abu Dawud)
Concerning one of the entrances to his mosque, Hadhrat Ibn ‘Umar

narrated that the Holy Prophet (sa) said, “If we reserve this door for
women (it would be better)” Nafi' said that Ibn ‘Umar did not enter
through it (the door) till he died (Abu Dawud). Also, once when the
Holy Prophet (sa) was coming out of the mosque and men and
women were mingled in the road, he (sa) said to the women, “Draw
back, for you must not walk in the middle of the road; keep to the
sides of the road.” Then women were keeping so close to the wall
that their garments were rubbing against it. (Abu Dawud)
Huzoor (aba) said that in our professional interactions with some-

one of the opposite gender, they being an Ahmadi or non-Ahmadi
is irrelevant. Our interaction should be concerning our work and
should not extend to socialization. Huzoor also said that we should
think of students as students, and not as anything beyond that. (@
56:27 http://youtu.be/ZyjptI3Z0ts)
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Huzoor stated that men should do Tabligh to men and women to

women. Men and women should not interact with one another
unnecessarily. (@ 7:45 https://www.you-
tube.com/watch?v=bs2Uc3JgFVE)
“Free mixing of both sexes and clandestine affairs between men

and women are strongly discouraged. Men and women are both
advised to abstain not only from casting covetous eyes at each
other, but to abstain from such visual or physical contacts as may
lead to uncontrollable temptations. Women are expected to cover
themselves decently and are advised not to behave in a manner as
to attract untoward attention from wayward men. The use of
cosmetics and ornaments are not forbidden, but they should not be
worn when appearing in public to attract attention. We fully under-
stand that in the present mood of societies all over the world, this
teaching appears to be rather harsh, restrictive and colorless. How-
ever, a deeper study of the entire Islamic social system may lead one
to believe this judgement to be hasty and superficial. This teaching
should, therefore, be understood as an integral part of the entire
Islamic social climate.” (Islam’s Response to Contemporary Issues, p.
92)
How should a wife treat her husband’s relatives (and vice

versa)?
“Hadrat Amman Jan advised ladies to consider their husband’s

relatives like their own relatives.” (Hazrat Amman Jan (ra), An Inspira-
tion for Us All, pg. 187)
How should the household/family chores and errands be divid-

ed between a husband and wife?
“A woman must be kept free, as far as possible, from the responsibil-

ity of earning bread for the family. In principle, this responsibility
must fall on the shoulders of men. Yet, there is no reason why
women should be debarred from playing their part in turning the
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wheel of economy provided that they find themselves free to do so,

i.e., without neglecting their prime responsibility of human repro-
duction, family care and concomitant involvements. This is exactly
what Islam proposes.
Again, women in general have a weaker and comparatively frail

constitution. Yet, surprisingly, God has provided them with tougher
potentials in their physique. These attributes are mainly due to the
presence of an extra half chromosome in their cells, which is
responsible for the difference between men and women. This is
obviously provided to meet the extra challenge placed on them
during pregnancy, childbirth and the lactation period. All the same,
this potential does not make a woman outwardly stronger and
tougher. They should not be relegated to hard menial tasks in the
productive economic field merely in the name of equality or any
other name. This also requires that they should be treated with
more tenderness and kindness. Women should have a lesser load to
bear in daily life and should not be forced to bear equal load with
men in public activities.
It emerges from the above that if the task of the running of a home
is a special area of responsibility to be assigned to either man or
woman, a woman has obviously much greater merit than a man to
perform such responsibilities. Additionally, by nature women have
been assigned the responsibility of looking after the children. Such
responsibility can only be partly shared with men.” (Islam’s
Response to Contemporary Issues, pp. 100-101)
What compromise should be reached if there is a discrepancy in

the level of religious observance between the husband and the
wife?
“So virtuous women are obedient and guard the secrets of their
husbands with Allah's protection. And as for those on whose part
you fear disobedience admonish them and keep away from them in
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their beds and chastise them. Then if they obey you seek not a way
against them. Surely Allah is High and Great” (4:35).
Here, three qualities of women have been given: virtuous, obedient

and those who guard the secrets of their husbands. For those
women who are virtuous, the first and best method provided by
God for their reformation in any matter is to advise or admonish
them. Hence, in any such instance the best course of action is to
advise and understand by means of conversation.
"Women are influenced by their husbands. To the extent that a

husband excels in piety and righteousness, his wife will also partake
of it. But if the husband is wicked, the wife, too, will share his evil"
(Malfuzat Vol 5 Pg 218)
"Marry with the intention of attaining righteousness" (Khut-

bat-e-Mahmood Vol 3 Pg 1)
This is like sharing one’s life with a dead man. But still, as long as he
is the husband then you have to do whatever is due to you to a
husband from the Islamic point of view. Be good in worldly things
and let him realize that his partner who regularly says prayers is a
better partner in so many ways, well behaved, better behaved and
that she has benefitted from whatever she was pursuing. So that
should be the practical example that you must stick to and never
change your attitude of kindness and goodness to that husband.
Again we find in the Holy Quran the life of the wife of Pharaoh. What
worse husband could you imagine than Pharoah, for a poor wife
who was a believer? And the advice rendered to her was to pray to
Allah, seek help from Him. This is the second advice. First of all your
conduct should be exceptionally good, an exemplary conduct. And
secondly, to pray to Allah to change that husband’s heart. Again the
third advice is that you should see to it that you be more kind to
your children than before. Attach them more towards you so that
they escape the evil influence of the husband. Or, if it is not evil, at
least the bad influence of the husband, and that they are more grav-
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itated towards you to learn the Holy Quran, the prayers and all the
good things of life from you, because you are now practically the
single parent of the family. As far as Islam goes, the other party does
not help at all, so you have to read along on one will alone and
greater effort is required for that. (Hadhrat Khalifatul Masih IV,
Question and Answer Session 2nd May 1994)
What is the right attitude towards implementing purdah?
"People have adapted extreme attitudes in respect of the veil.

Europe has gone to one extreme in abolishing it altogether and
now some naturalists, too, wish to follow suit, whereas it is clear that
this licentiousness has flung open the gates of vice in Europe. On
the other hand, some Muslims go to the other extreme and do not
let their women step out of their homes at all, even though it is
often necessary for them to travel or to go out on account of some
other need. We believe that both these types are in error." (Malfuzat
Vol 6 Pg 322)
What if a woman has extreme religious incompatibility with her

spouse?
"If he changes his religion or it becomes difficult for the wife to live
with him on account of some incompatibility; in all these situations,
she or her guardian ought to report to the judge."
(Chashma-e-Ma'rifat, Ruhani Khaza'in Vol 23 Pg 289)
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Who is responsible for the finances of the household?
Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (ra) said, "Those men are Qawwam who
financially provide for their wives. Those useless men who live off of
the income of their wives are not at all Qawwam." (Commentary
4:35)
Huzoor (aba) said, “Every married man is the guardian of his family,
and looking after their needs is his responsibility. Man has been
made the Qawwam, and to provide for the expenses of the home
and for the education of the children is his responsibility. However,
unfortunately in the Jama’at there are some men who, rather than
providing the expenses of the home, instead ask their wives to pay
their expenses. However, they have no right on the income of their
wives. If a wife pays some expenses, then that is her favor to her
husband.” (Khutbate Masroor 2004, pg. 184, March 5 2004)
Huzoor (aba) said, “Those men who look to their wives’ wealth
should remember that this responsibility is there’s, and they have
no right on the woman’s money. Men are themselves responsible
for fulfilling the financial needs of their wives and children. There-
fore, whatever the circumstances, even if they have to do labor to
meet the expenses of the home, it is their obligation that they meet
the expenses of the home. If they pray along with this effort, Allah
places blessings and creates ease.” (Khutbate Masroor 2004, pg. 455,
July 2 2004)
Should there be a joint bank account, or should the husband

and wife's earnings be kept separately?
Lead a life of kindness and equity with your wives (4:20)
“In our family, most often than not, the property of the husband
and the property of the wife are just like one. There is no difference
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whatsoever. Nobody keeps count of who is taking money from

whom and how much to give and how much not to give. Practically,
when the wife needs something it is as if the whole property of the
husband belongs to her. And if she also has a property at a time of
need she offers it to the husband and this is in fact the Sunnah of
the Holy Prophet’ssaw first wife Hadhrat Khadijara. When she got
married to the Holy Prophetsaw, she offered her entire property to
the Holy Prophetsaw. He also behaved like that to her and to the
following wives; because it is never mentioned in any tradition that
he kept anything from himself alone as apart from the money he
distributed to his wives. Although it was a very meagre living, and
the Holy Prophetsaw lived very meagerly with his wives, but the
point is that he never kept money to himself and gave little to the
wives, that situation never arose. Whatever he had, that is obvious
that he gave it to the poor and others but never kept things from his
wives. So that Sunnah is from both sides, from the side of the wives
and from the side of the Holy Prophetsaw and this is an ideal home.
No better time can be conceived in any country, in any situation
than this form the style of which we learn from the Holy Prophet-
saw”. (Hadhrat Mirza Tahir Ahmad, Question and Answer Session
5th November 1984 at the London Mosque).
Is a wife required to share her earnings to help run the house-

hold?
should remember that this responsibility is theirs and they have no
right on the woman’s money. Men are themselves responsible for
fulfilling the financial needs of their wives and children. Therefore,
whatever the circumstances, even if they have to do labor to meet
the expenses of the home, it is their obligation that they meet the
expenses of the home. If they pray along with this effort, Allah
July 2 2004)
Is a husband required to pay his non-working wife a monthly

allowance for her personal use?
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Men are guardians over women (4:35)
Men are considered to be the breadwinners of the home and,

hence, must tend to every financial matter of the household, includ-
ing the finances of the wife. Hence, in today's day and age this can
manifest itself in a monthly allowance if needed. In essence, it is the
husband's job to ensure that the wife's needs are met, as this is one
of his primary duties in marriage.
Mu’awiyah ibn Al-Qushayri reported:
I said, “O Messenger of Allah, what are the

rights of women over us?” The Messenger of
Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said,
“You should feed her when you eat, clothe
her when you clothe yourself
(Sunan Abu Dau'ud)
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To what extent should a husband/wife pursue their own

personal hobbies and interests after marriage?
“Women must be granted the right to remain at home far more

than men; if, at the same time, they are absolved of the responsibili-
ty of earning their livelihood, the free time available to them must
be employed for their own sake or for the sake of society as a whole.
That is how the concept of ‘a woman’s place is in the home’ is born.
There is no question of their being tied to their aprons or impris-
oned in the four walls of the home. In no way does Islam infringe
[upon] the rights of women to go out in their spare time to perform
any task or to participate in any healthy pursuit they may choose,
providing, again, that they do not jeopardize the interests and
rights of the future generation of mankind entrusted to them.
Among other reasons, this is why over-socializing or the free mixing
of sexes is strongly discouraged by Islam. For Islam to propose that
the home is the center of a woman’s activities is a very wise and
practical solution to most ills of modern times. When women shift
their interests away from the home, it has to be at the cost of family
life and the neglect of children.”
(Islam’s Response to Contemporary Issues, pp. 101-102)
How much, if any, financial support should a husband or wife

give to his/her parents after marriage?
"If parents are in need and they do not have wealth with which they
can support themselves, then, according to circumstances and
capacity, the son is responsible for providing for them." (Fiqh
Ahmadiyya, vol.2 pg.108).
How should the task of parenting be divided between a hus-

band and wife? Is the wife solely responsible for the well-being
of the children?
“It emerges from the above that if the task of the running of a home
is a special area of responsibility to be assigned to either man or
woman, a woman has obviously much greater merit than a man to
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perform such responsibilities. Additionally, by nature women have

been assigned the responsibility of looking after the children. Such
responsibility can only be partly shared with men.” (Islam’s
Response to Contemporary Issues, pp. 101)
What are the duties of children (husband and wife) towards

their parents?
Huzur (aba) said, "So after marriage, if the husband and wife want to
live separately and they can afford to, and the parents have arrived
in that last part of life where they are in need of someone's support
and they have no child with them, then it is a different matter and
they have to sacrifice (and live together), and that is the responsibil-
ity of the son. But if they have no son, then the daughter is obliged."
(Khutbate Masroor, 2004 pg. 934)
What if the families cannot afford two separate homes and

associated expenses?
“At times, the cause of discord in marriage is because the husband

does not have his own house and is living with his parents. Some-
times this is because the husband may be experiencing financial
difficulties or is still studying and, therefore, it is not possible for him
to buy his own house. In such an instance, the wife should support
him and live with her in-laws until he acquires the means to
purchase his own house. In certain cases, the women and her
parents end the marriage and so such practices are completely
wrong. If the girl cannot live with the in-laws then she should have
voiced her reservation from the outset. However, there are certain
men who are living at home with their parents because of their
irresponsible actions and simply cite the excuse that they want to
support their elderly parents.”
(https://www.alislam.org/friday-sermon/2017-03-03.html)
If your spouse wrongs you, should you talk to your friends and
family about it?
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They are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them. (2:188)
“Hadrat Amman Jan advised that it is most meritable [sic] that one’s
husband be one’s main confidante, rather than female friends.” (Pg
187 – Hazrat Amman Jan (ra), An Inspiration for us all)
What does Islam says about hitting one’s wife?
“With the exception of indecency, all weaknesses and petulant

behavior peculiar to women should be tolerated. I find it shameful
that a man should fight a woman. God has made us men, which is
the consummation of His grace upon us, and we should express our
gratitude for this great bounty by treating women with kindness
and compassion.” [Malfuzat, vol. 1, p. 307]
In commentary of 4:35, Hazrat Musleh Maud (ra) writes,

"In case of disagreement between the husband and wife, the
husband has no right to chastise or punish the wife except for mani-
fest immorality. In such a case, four respectable residents of the
neighborhood must testify that she has been actually guilty of
immoral conduct. He must, however, begin by admonishing her. If
she persists in her conduct he should separate from her for a period
which must not exceed four months. This means discontinuance of
conjugal relations, but the husband will still be bound to maintain
the wife. If the period of separation exceeds four months, the
husband will be compelled by law to resume conjugal relations
with the wife. If the discontinuance of conjugal relations also has no
reforming effect on her conduct and the testimony of four righ-
teous men of the neighborhood is forthcoming, she may be chas-
tised by the husband but her bones must not be injured and no
bruise or mark should be left on her body. All this, however, is
prescribed only in cases of manifestly immoral conduct
A husband has no right to punish his wife for other faults or neglect
of duty."
(Ahmadiyyat Ya'ni Haqiqi Islam, pg 161, Ahmadiyyat or the True
Islam, pg 238, 239)
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What should be the relationship between a husband and wife

be like?
“No other religion has safeguarded the rights of women as Islam

has done. It lays down the injunction so succinctly: ‘Just as men
have rights upon women, so do women have rights upon men.’ It is
said of some people that they treat their wives like shoes and
require them to perform the lowliest of services. They abuse them
and despise them and enforce the injunction regarding the veil
with such harshness as to virtually bury them alive. The relationship
between a husband and wife should be like two true and sincere
friends. After all, it is the wife who is the primary witness of a man’s
high moral qualities and his relationship with God Almighty. If his
relationship with his wife is not good, how can he be at peace with
God? The Holy Prophet (saw) has said: ‘The best among you is he
who is best towards his wife.’” (Malfuzat, vol. 5, pp. 417-418)
What constitutes as negative prenatal interference?
Huzur (aba) stated:

“One malady, because of which homes are being destroyed and a
constant state of fighting and restlessness in homes exists, is that
boys are staying with their parents and siblings in the same house
even after marriage, despite having means and without any legiti-
mate reason. If the parents are elderly, there is no one to serve
them, they cannot move about doing activities, and there is no
helper, then it is necessary and obligatory for that child to keep
them with him and serve them. However, if there are siblings who
are living with them, then there is nothing wrong with having a
separate home. Nowadays, much harm are created because of this.
If by living together you fall into more sins, then this service is no
goodness.”
"(Verse 24:62 of the Holy Qur'an) gives guidance that homes should
be separate. The mother's home should be separate and the mar-
ried children's home separate - only then will you go to one anoth-
er’s homes and eat there. This perception of people, that if they live
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separately from their parents then that would be a great sin, is

wrong. Some parents instill fear in their children and blackmail
them, as if they will be hell bound as soon as they start living sepa-
rately. This is an extremely wrong attitude.
Many times I have asked girls; in-front of their mother-in-law and

father-in-law they say that they are living by their own choice; in
fact, even their husbands say this. However, when I ask them sepa-
rately, the response from both of them is that they are living togeth-
er because they have to. The result is that sometimes the daugh-
ter-in-law is transgressing against the mother-in-law and some-
times the mother-in-law is transgressing against the daugh-
ter-in-law.”
Huzur (aba) stated, “Most families live with great love, but those
who cannot should not make emotional decisions. Rather, if they
have the capacity and facility, and there is no necessity, then it is
better that they live separately. This is a very good point by Hazrat
Khalifatul Masih I (ra) that if living together is so important, then
why have the homes of the parents been mentioned separately?”
(Khutbate Masroor vol. 4 pg. 570-571)
Can a husband take his wife's money?
should remember that this responsibility is there’s, and they have
no right on the woman’s money. Men are themselves responsible
for fulfilling the financial needs of their wives and children. There-
fore, whatever the circumstances, even if they have to do labor to
meet the expenses of the home, it is their obligation that they meet
the expenses of the home. If they pray along with this effort, Allah
July 2 2004)
How to take care of the emotional needs of your wife?
“Do not ever consider women to be contemptible and insignifi-
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cant!! Our perfect guide, the Holy Prophet (saw) has said: ‘The best
among you is he who is best towards his wife.’ How can one claim to
be pious when he does not behave well towards his wife … It is
unacceptable to get furious or hit one’s wife on the slightest
pretense. There have been instances where an enraged husband hit
his wife over some slight matter … and mortally wounded her. This
is why God Almighty has said concerning them: “Consort with them
in kindness.” There is no doubt that admonition is necessary if a
woman behaves improperly. A husband ought to impress upon his
wife that he will not tolerate anything which is contrary to the faith,
and yet he is not a tyrant who will not overlook any mistake on her
part. For a woman, her husband is a manifestation of the divine.
According to a Hadith, had God been pleased to enjoin prostration
before anyone but Himself, He would have enjoined upon a woman
to prostrate herself before her husband. Hence, a man should be
both hard and soft, depending on the occasion.” (Malfuzat, vol. 3, p.
147)
[Divine revelation to the Promised Messiah (as)] ‘Such behavior is

not appropriate; ‘Abdul Karim, the leader of Muslims, should be
dissuaded from it.’ [Promised Messiah’s footnote about the above
revelation]: “This revelation contains guidance for the whole
Jama‘at, that they should treat their wives with kindness and cour-
tesy. Your wives are not your slaves. In fact, marriage is a covenant
between man and woman. Try, therefore, not to break this cove-
nant. God Almighty says in the Holy Qur’an: ‘Lead a life of kindness
and equity with your wives.’ And it is mentioned in a Hadith: ‘The
best among you is he who is best towards his wife.’ Therefore, be
good to your wives both spiritually and physically. Keep praying for
them and avoid divorce. A person who is hasty in divorce is sinful in
the eyes of God. Do not hasten to break like a dirty vessel that which
God has brought together.” (Tohfah-e-Golarhviyyah , Ruhani Kha-
za’in, vol. 17, p. 75)
How to take care of the emotional needs of your husband?
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Messenger (‫ )ﷺ‬said, "If a husband
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calls his wife to his bed and she refuses and causes him to sleep in
anger, the angels will curse her till morning." Bukhari 3237.
Hazrat Sayyidah Nusrat Jahañ Begum gave the following advice to

her daughter, Hazrat Sayyidah Nawab Mubarakah Begum, at the
time of her wedding.
• Never do a thing keeping it secret from your husband. Never do

anything that you feel the need to hide from your husband. Even if
the husband may not be observing, but God does see, and the wife
loses her respect when the matter is disclosed at the end.
• If a thing is done against his wishes, never try to hide it. Inform him
clearly, as that is the way to retain respect. To hide it leads to
disgrace and disrespect.
• Do not argue with him when he is angry. If he is angry with you or

a child or a servant, and you know that he is at fault, even then do
not respond to him. When he calms down, then gently let him know
the truth and make him realize his error. The woman who argues
with her husband when he is angry loses her respect. It will be a
great disgrace if he uses harsh words to her in his anger.
• Consider his dear ones and their children as your own dear ones.
Never think of harming anyone even if he is doing wrong to you.
You should have good will in your heart for all, and do not take any
action in revenge against anyone. Then you will always behold God
doing good to you. (Seerat Hazrat Ammañ Jan, Part II, pp. 167-168,
compiled by Mahmad ‘Ali ‘Irfani)
To what extent should a husband be tolerant towards the short-

comings of his wife?
“With the exception of indecency, all weaknesses and petulant

behavior peculiar to women should be tolerated. I find it shameful
that a man should fight a woman. God has made us men, which is
the consummation of His grace upon us, and we should express our
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gratitude for this great bounty by treating women with kindness

and compassion.” (Malfuzat, vol. 1, p. 307)
Who should apologize first when you fight?
“Never argue with one’s husband whilst he is in an angry mood.

Even if one’s opinions/actions are justified, a dignified wife will
express this after her husband’s rage has subsided. This leads to a
more harmonious household and wins the pleasure of Allah
Almighty.”
“Hadrat Amman Jan advised ladies never to keep secrets from their
husbands. She said that if one makes a mistake, one should openly
admit it rather than attempting to conceal it.” (Page 186 – Hazrat
Amman Jan (ra), An Inspiration for us all)
Why can’t I raise my voice against my spouse?
“As for me, I once addressed my wife in a loud voice and I felt that
my tone was indicative of displeasure, though I had uttered no
harsh words. Yet, thereafter, I sought forgiveness from God for a
long time and offered supererogatory prayers with great humility
and also gave alms because I felt that my harshness towards my
wife might have been occasioned by some unconscious weakness
in my obedience to God Almighty.” (Malfuzat, vol. 2, p. 2)
I realize my mistakes now and want to repent?
It should be borne in mind that there are three conditions for repen-
tance, without fulfillment of which true repentance is not achieved.
The first condition is to get rid of wicked fancies which arouse evil
propensities.
Fancies have great influence. Every action is preceded by a fancy.

Thus the first condition for repentance is that evil thoughts and
fancies should be discarded. For instance, if a person has an illicit
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relationship with a woman and desires to repent, it is necessary that

he should conceive of her as ugly and should call to mind all her low
qualities. As I have just said fancies exercise a powerful influence. I
have read that some Sufis carried their fancies to such a length that
they saw a person in the form of an ape or pig. Thus the first condi-
tion of repentance is that all thoughts which give rise to evil plea-
sures should be discarded altogether.
The second condition is remorse. Everyone's conscience admonish-

es him over every evil, but an unfortunate person leaves his
conscience suspended. So a sinner should express remorse over his
sin and evil action and should reflect that the pleasure to be derived
from them is temporary. He should also consider that every time
there is a decline in that pleasure and that in the end, in old age
when his faculties are weakened, he will perforce have to give up all
these pleasures. Then why indulge in that which in the end has to
be given up anyhow? Most fortunate is the person who turns in
repentance and becomes determined to discard all corrupt
thoughts and vile fancies. When he gets rid of this impurity, he
should be remorseful.
The third condition is a firm resolve that he will not revert to those
vices. If he adheres to this resolve, God will bestow upon him the
strength for true repentance and he will be rid altogether of his
vices which will be replaced by good morals and praiseworthy
actions. This is a moral victory. It is for God Almighty to bestow the
power and strength for it for He is the Master of all power and all
strength, as He has said: All power belongs to Allah (2:166)
(Malfoozat, Vol. I, pp.132-134).
What is emotional blackmailing and what does Islam say about

it?
Huzur (aba) said sometimes parents emotionally blackmail their

sons in staying together. He added that the Promised Messiah (as)
came to spread love and that we should desist from spreading
hatred in this way. Having said all this, Huzur (aba) added that
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indeed the commandment to take care of close relations on both

sides of the in-laws is fundamental. Huzur cited part of (24:62) and
with reference to the writings of Hadhrat Khalifatul Masih I (ra)
explained a most excellent point that a joint family system is only
beneficial if it promotes love and affection, otherwise there is no
commandment for it. This is obvious as the verse clearly mentions
separate abodes for parents and siblings, etc. If this system were
followed, the traditional hostility between mother-in-law and
daughter-in-law would cease. The Quranic verse is indicative that
living in a joint family system is not obligatory.
(Friday Sermon, November 10th 2006)
What if I cannot convince myself to like my spouse??
Huzur (aba) said unfortunately there is a trend that as soon as the

marriage takes place, feelings of hatred emerge. It seems that
Ahmadis are being influenced by the others in this. If the marriage
is not of one’s liking, then in accordance to the pledge of the Nikah,
one ought to abide by Taqwa; however, if feelings of dislike contin-
ue to develop, then ponder over it all, reflect over it and seek media-
tion.
(https://www.alislam.org/archives/2006/summary/FSS20061110-EN.html)
When men decide to marry a second wife...
Huzur (aba) another factor that is creating issues is when men

decide to marry a second wife. However, although Islam has permit-
ted marrying more than once, there are certain conditions and
circumstances. It is certainly not to fulfil one's carnal passions.
Regarding this, the Promised Messiah (as) states that the law of God
Almighty should not be used contrary to its purpose, nor should it
be invoked to serve as a shield for self-indulgence. To do so would
be a great sin. God Almighty has repeatedly admonished against
yielding to carnal passions. Righteousness alone should be your
motive for everything.
(35)
The Promised Messiah (as) then said:

"Remember it well that the actual Will of God is that you should not
be entirely overcome by lustfulness and that to perfect your
Taqwah (righteousness), if a genuine need arises, marry again (the
real basis for marrying a second time is Taqwah). Thus, to marry
again is permissible. However, all those who wish to marry a second
time need to assess whether they are doing so based on Taqwah or
merely out of their lustful desires?" (Friday Sermon, March 3rd,
2017)
Huzur (aba) said at times he receives complaints that despite having

families, men want to have a second wife. Huzur (aba) said if one
cannot be fair then one should not marry a second wife. If one has
no choice but to marry a second wife, then one has to take care of
the first wife more than before – unlike the instances that one hears
of where the rights of the first wife are slowly eroded in flagrant
disobedience of God’s commandments. Indeed, one has to be very
wary that there is no unfairness in financial and other rights of the
first wife, because the Promised Messiah (as) has likened any such
injustice to a trial. (Friday Sermon May 15th 2009)
When children are brought into marital discord...
Some men, who in their presumption avail of ‘resources’ that are

available to them and are perhaps not available to their wives, are in
fact preparing a fire for themselves. These include men who flee
with the children to other countries, separating them from their
mothers. Immediate action should be taken [by the Community]
against such men and whoever aids them. Then there are those
who prejudice the children against their mothers and these
children go on to give evidence against their mothers in courts.
Huzur (aba) said it is unfortunate that some office holders help such
men. All this destroys the children’s sense of morality. (Friday
Sermon, November 10th 2006)
How to deal with an irreparable situation?
(36)
Huzur (aba) said he receives complaints from wives that husbands

do not pay attention to their needs and are predisposed to the
other. In instances where there is only one wife, husbands maintain
that they will neither leave the wife nor look after her. Then matters
are unnecessarily lengthened in Qadha; some do not give divorce
so that in desperation the wife seeks ‘khula’ and the man thus
escapes paying the Haq Mehr (dower). All these matters distance
one from taqwa (righteousness). If one seeks God’s mercy then one
has to demonstrate mercy, if one wishes to partake a measure of
God’s mercy one has to expand one’s mercy. Huzur said the verse
following the aforementioned verse states, ‘And if they separate,
Allah will make both independent out of His abundance; and Allah
is Bountiful, Wise’ (4:131). Here, God commands that if there is no
way to reconcile, then do not leave them suspended; rather, sepa-
rate in the best manner. Ahadith cite divorce as a most unpleasant
act, however, if a relationship cannot be maintained on taqwa, then
God knows what is in the hearts and if separation is sought while
inclined to Him, the All-Embracing God makes bountiful arrange-
ments for all concerned. Huzur (aba) said this verse also establishes
the principle that matrimonial relations should not be decided on
emotions; rather, they should be decided after careful consider-
ation and seeking the help of God who is All-Embracing. Such
matches are blessed by God and He graces them with great scope.
(Friday Sermon May 15th 2009)
What is the etiquette of divorce?
Huzur (aba) said that at times men make matters of divorce drag on.
There are clear and distinct commandments regarding the rights of
the wife after marriage that has lasted a period of time and also
where there are children. However, God commands man to fulfil the
rights of a wife in the instance of a divorce even where the
‘going-away’ ceremony has not taken place and the marriage has
not been consummated. It is stated in Surah Al Baqarah, ‘It shall be
no sin for you if you divorce women while you have not touched
them, nor settled for them a dowry. But provide for them — the rich
man according to his means and the poor man according to his
(37)
means — a provision in a becoming manner, an obligation upon

the virtuous’ (2:237).
Huzur (aba) explained that the Holy Prophet (saw) was most specific
about this matter. Once the matter of an Ansari man was brought
before the Prophet (saw). The man said that he had divorced his
wife before settling on Haq Mehr and without consummating the
marriage. The Prophet (saw) asked him if he had paid anything to
the wife out of kindness. The man replied he did not have anything
to give. The Prophet (saw) told him if he had nothing else to give
then he should give her the cap that he wore. This illustrates the
significance of the rights of women in marriage. This, of course, is an
instance where Haq Mehr was not settled on. In the instance where
it is settled but the marriage has not been consummated then the
command is to pay half of it. (Friday Sermon May 15th 2009)
Remember these seven things to bring happiness into your

marriage
1. Remember, the system of marriage and love between spous-

es is a sign of Allah.
[30:22] And one of His Signs is this, that He has created wives for you
from among yourselves that you may find peace of mind in them,
and He has put love and tenderness between you. In that surely are
Signs for a people who reflect.
2. Don’t be quick to break the knot

The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce. (Ibne
Majah)
3. Remember, shaitan makes us fight

“Iblis (shaytan) places his throne upon water; he then sends detach-
ments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those
who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes
and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then
one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I
sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan
(38)
goes near him and says: ‘You have done well and then embraces
him.” (Muslim)
4. Remember to listen. Communicate carefully

Allah’s Messenger said to Ayesha(ra) : “I know when you are
pleased with me or angry with me.” I said, “Whence do you know
that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say, ‘No, by the
Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry with me, then you say,
‘No, by the Lord of Abraham.’ ” Thereupon I said, “Yes (you are right),
but by Allah, O Allah’s Messenger, I leave nothing but your name.”
(Bukhari)
5. But don’t argue, for Allah’s sake

“I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even
if he is in the right… ” (Abu Dawud)
6. Remember to be thankful to each other

“He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.” (Abu
Dawud)
7. Be each other’s friends

The relationship between a husband and wife should be like two
true and sincere friends. [Malfuzat, vol. 5, pp. 417]
(39)

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National Tarbiyat Department

Marital Harmony Guide

Consequently, the National Tarbiyat Department developed this booklet.

I am deeply grateful to Imam Hammad Ahmad who did a great deal of

Faheem Younus Qureshi

Section I - Before Marriage

“The purpose of Nikah is for the continuity of one’s progeny, to protect

“One of the purposes of marriage is that righteous servants of God may be

In his speech of 25th June 1920, after announcing some marriages,

How should one pray before the marriage?

"The general Istikhara is that a person pray without thinking of anyone

Secondly, the specific Istikhara should be observed when an opportunity

Why is there a need for such a marital harmony guide?

Unfortunately complaints regarding this subject are on the rise. At times,

What’s the magnitude of the problem?

Putting it in perspective, Huzur (aba) said it is not as if there is no virtue or

What’s wrong with the idea of not marrying at all?

is my precept and my practice. Those who do not follow my practice are

What is the true interpretation of a "Qawwam"?

From the Arabic word Qawwamun (guardians made responsible to keep

mun), lays a very heavy responsibility on the shoulders of a husband. If his

If the parents really want their children to grow up into members of a

What is the real meaning of "arranged marriage"?

What are Islamic teachings on cousin marriages?

When should we go for premarital counseling?

Premarital counseling should be conducted weeks and months ahead of

What are the conditions surrounding the paying of a dowry (Huq

Marrying with bad intentions (Green card, immigration, etc.)

So much money is spent on marriage celebrations that in places

Non-Ahmadis have been following these rituals but now some

Should all the guests at the wedding be served a meal?

In Islam, marriage is an obligation and a wedding reception may be

held if it can be afforded. Meals can be served at the reception,

Can we borrow money to prepare a befitting dowry for our

Shouldn’t we be worried about the financial status of a poten-

Section III - After Marriage

Huzoor (aba) stated: “One malady, because of which homes are

Many times I have asked girls; in-front of their mother-in-law and

Can a girl work after she is married?

Muslim woman. If a woman progresses in studying general books

Huzur (aba) advised women with children, “The first responsibility is

Hazrat Khalifatul Masih IV (rh) said, "The guiding principle I have

Can a husband or wife pursue higher education after marriage?

Should a husband or wife have friends who are of the opposite

Concerning one of the entrances to his mosque, Hadhrat Ibn ‘Umar

Huzoor (aba) said that in our professional interactions with some-

Huzoor stated that men should do Tabligh to men and women to

“Free mixing of both sexes and clandestine affairs between men

How should a wife treat her husband’s relatives (and vice

“Hadrat Amman Jan advised ladies to consider their husband’s

How should the household/family chores and errands be divid-

“A woman must be kept free, as far as possible, from the responsibil-

wheel of economy provided that they find themselves free to do so,

Again, women in general have a weaker and comparatively frail

What compromise should be reached if there is a discrepancy in

Here, three qualities of women have been given: virtuous, obedient

"Women are influenced by their husbands. To the extent that a

"Marry with the intention of attaining righteousness" (Khut-

What is the right attitude towards implementing purdah?

"People have adapted extreme attitudes in respect of the veil.