H!

TRACY DONEGAN
ural
an.
not

irth
ted
Your
for
acy
Positive
the
Birth
Begins Here
TRACY DONEGAN

The ultimate guide to a positive empowering

pregnancy and birth experience - as defined by YOU!
Copyright © 2020 Tracy Donegan.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or

distributed in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including

but not limited to digital copying and printing, or be stored in a database or
retrieval system, without prior written permission from the author.

GentleBirth is intended solely for informational and educational purposes and

not as personal medical advice. Always seek the advice of your care provider
with any questions you have regarding your pregnancy. The information in
this book is not intended to treat, diagnose, cure, or prevent any disease or
guarantee a particular birth outcome. The author accepts no liability of any
kind for any damages caused or alleged to be caused, directly or indirectly, from
use of the information in this book.
Tracy Donegan is a Midwife, author and Founder of GentleBirth.
Tracy is the mother of two gorgeous boys and better half to her life
partner and business partner Philip. Passionate about empowering
parents to have the best birth possible, Tracy provides support
information and inspiration to parents around the world preparing
for a positive birth. Tracy currently lives in California.

3
CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
The Most Important Job in the World . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
The GentleBirth App . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18
The Missing Link . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20
The GentleBirth Impact on Birth Outcomes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

BRAIN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25
The Birth of Lillie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Telling a New Birth Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .30
GentleBirth through the Ages . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
GentleBirth in Modern Times . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
What about Dads? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
Your Mindset Matters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
The GentleBirth Mindset . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
What is Your Mindset Today? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40
The Champions Mindset for Motherhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42
How to Stop Negative Thinking in Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Strategies for Dealing with Negative Nellies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44
Meditation – It’s Not What You Think . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45

4
 CONTENTS

No Mountain Top Required . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48

Autopilot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49
Meditation and Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
A Mindful Framework for Pregnancy and Beyond . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
Non-Judgment - Don’t Become the Judgy Mom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
Don’t Shoot the Second Arrow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54
Acceptance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56
How Morgan Freeman Made Me a Better Mom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62
Mindfulness of Thoughts, Emotions, and Sensations . . . . . . . . . . . .66
Worried about Pregnancy Weight Gain? Eat Mindfully. . . . . . . . . . . .69
What did the Moms Say? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
Benefits for Babies Too . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
Health Begins Before Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
Stress in Pregnancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
Making Stress Work for You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Bonding with Your Baby before Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
Happiness Is an Inside Job . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79
STOP Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81
Brain Benefits of Meditation in Pregnancy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .84
Meet Your Mental Meerkat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85
Taming Your Mental Meerkat. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85
The Upstairs/Downstairs Brain. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .85
Dad’s Eye View – Birth Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .86
Get Your Brain Out of the Anxiety Fast Lane . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
Learn How to Worry Well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .94
Motivational Worry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Runaway Worry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Putting the Brakes on a Runaway Worry. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .96

5
TRACY DONEGAN

Distorted Thinking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
The ABCs of CBT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .99
The Bullies That Live in Your Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .99
Other Ways to Decrease Your Interactions with “Brain Bullies” . . .100
Preparing for the Birthing Olympics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Your Brain Thinks It Can Tell the Future . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104
Mental Imagery and your Birth Rehearsal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106
Focus Training . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108
Which Wolf Are You Feeding? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
Mental Grit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110
Specificity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112
Proximity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112
Focus Your Mental Spotlight for Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
WTF – Where’s the Focus? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Birth is a Head Game . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 114
More Mental Imagery . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
Surges as Waves in the Ocean . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115
The Train . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
The Uphill Challenge . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
The Unfolding Flower . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
Head Hacking for Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 119
Facial Expressions - Fake It Until You Make It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132
Power Positions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
Your Meerkat and the Healthcare Provider . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134
The Smell of Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Brain Hacking with Your Sense of Smell . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
GentleBirth Mom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138
Relaxation and Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138

6
 CONTENTS

Your Body’s Response to Fear and Anxiety . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139

Your Body’s Response to Relaxation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139
Sensations in Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Priming. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141
Pain only Exists in the Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
Pain is an Output of the Brain – Not the Uterus. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
Two Approaches to Pain in Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
DIMs & SIMs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147
What Does Labor Pain Mean to You -
The Stuff of Nightmares or a Challenge? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
Fear of Labor and Birth is a Learned Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148
Learning to ‘Switch’ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149
Pain and the Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
Your Emotional State – Excited or Terrified? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 152
I Can Do Anything for a Minute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154
Active Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
The Home Stretch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
Creative Mind Games . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157
What Does Hypnosis Feel Like? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158
What’s So Important about Your Subconscious Mind? . . . . . . . . . . 158
How the Mind Works . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
The Subconscious Mind – Where the Magic Happens . . . . . . . . . . . 161
What Does this Mean for Birth? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 161
Can I Be Hypnotized? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 162
Using Power Thoughts and Affirmations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164
How Do Affirmations Work? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164
I Can Do This - Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
The Laws of the Mind . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 170

7
TRACY DONEGAN

Your Imagination Is More Powerful Than Knowledge . . . . . . . . . . . 171

Only One Idea or Emotion Can Be Experienced at a Time . . . . . . . 172
Hypnosis Training . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173
High-Tech Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
Breathing Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
Simple Breathing Meditation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177
The Just-in-from-Work Breath. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178

BODY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
Your Pelvic Floor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
Benefits of Having Well-Toned Pelvic Floor Muscles . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
Your Pelvic Floor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182
Benefits of Pelvic Floor Coordination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
How to Do Kegels Correctly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
What if I still have problems finding the muscles? . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184
How often should I do my PF exercises? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
Toileting Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
Fit Bits (AKA Perineal Massage) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191
Try This Technique. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 192
Whole, Healthy, and Intact -
Protecting your Pelvic Floor in Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
It’s a Reflex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
Tips for Fit Bits in Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 198
Turn On Your Birth Hormones Brain Hacking for Birth . . . . . . . . . . 199
How Do You Know Labor Has Started? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .200
Helping Your Baby into The Best Position for Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . 202
Encouraging Optimal Positioning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .202
Posterior Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
Progress Is More Than Dilation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .204

8
 CONTENTS

BIRTH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 206
You Have a Show . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .206
Your Waters Release . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .206
The Surges Are Consistent and Settle into a Pattern . . . . . . . . . . . .208
Going to the Hospital (stay home until 4cm). . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .208
The Flow of Labor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .209
Early Signs of Labor – What Is Happening to Your Body? . . . . . . . .209
What are the signs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
What can you do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
What is happening to your body? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
What are the signs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 210
What can you do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
Active labor - What is happening to your body?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
What are the signs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
What can the birth partners do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211
The Birth of Your Baby – What Is Happening to Your Body? . . . . . 212
What Are the Signs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212
What Can Your Birth Partner Do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212
Third Stage–Birth of the Placenta . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 213
The Fourth Stage–The Golden Hour . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 213
The Labor Recipe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
Oxytocin Boost Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 216
Emergency Childbirth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 218
Roadside Birth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 219
Birth Blessing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227
Birth Plans, Preferences and Priorities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
Birth Priorities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 228
Do I Need Birth Preferences? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 229

9
TRACY DONEGAN

What Does the Research Say? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231

Avoiding Wobbles at Birth Preference Discussions . . . . . . . . . . . . . 231
Sample Scenario . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 232
Hospital Procedures - Routine or Rare? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233
Eating in Labor - Why It’s Good for You and Your Baby. . . . . . . . . . 233
Birth Plans and Fine Dining . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 236
What’s on the Drive-Thru Menu? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 236
Giving Birth A La Carte . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237
Sample Birth Priorities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 239
Special Circumstances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .240
Doulas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242
Making Informed Choices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 243
What Does Making Informed Choices Mean? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244
What Can I Do to Help Ensure that the Care that
I Receive during Labor and Birth Will Be Best for My Baby? . . . . . 244
International Best Practice Supports
The GentleBirth Philosophy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 247
Induction: Putting It All into Perspective . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .250
Induction is Not Game Over . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .250
Eat Your Dates . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251
Preparing for a Positive Induction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251
Need More Time? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 252
A Few Days Before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 252
Comfort Strategies without Medication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 254
Comfort Strategies with Medication . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 255
Birth Partners – Time to Adopt a Curious Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257
Unexpected Changes to Your
Preferred Birth Plan (Induction or Cesarean) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257
Goldilocks and the Three Perfectly Sized Babies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259

10
 CONTENTS

What’s the Big Deal about Big Babies? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259

Parents Speak . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
Is Smaller Better? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
Things You Can Do . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 262
Breech Baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 262
When is Breech Position Considered a Problem? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 263
Bacteria Can Be Good for Your Baby . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .266
What is Gut Bacteria – and why do we need it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .266
What does this mean for your baby? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 267
How can you help your baby get more ‘friendly’
bacteria after birth? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .268
GBAC - GentleBirth after Cesarean . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 270
Affirmations for VBAC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271
2nd VBAC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 276

BABY, BREASTFEEDING AND BEYOND . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277

Breastfeeding and Your Brain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277
Preparing for Breastfeeding Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 278
The Breastfeeding Mindset . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .280
Breastfeeding—Starting Out Right - Dr. Jack Newman . . . . . . . . . . . 282
Mindful Mothering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 287
Calming Your Baby - With The Cuddle Cure . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .288
Why Do Babies Cry? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .289
Is It Colic? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .290
Has Dr. Karp Found the Holy Grail of Newborn Parenting? . . . . . . . 291
Easy Ways to Calm your Baby - AKA the Cuddle Cure . . . . . . . . . . . 292
The FIVE S’s DONE IN ORDER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 292
Adjusting to Life with Your Newborn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 294
Swimming Upstream . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .298

11
TRACY DONEGAN

What Tennis can Teach Us about Newborn Mental Health . . . . . . .300

Getting Your Groove Back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .303
Sex after Pregnancy: Let Your Body Set the Pace . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .304
After Our Baby Is Born, How Soon Can I Have Sex? . . . . . . . . . . . . .304
Will It Hurt? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .304
Will It Feel Different? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .305
What about Birth Control? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .305
What If I’m Too Tired to Have Sex?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .305
What If I’m Not Interested in Sex? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .306
What Can I Do to Boost My Sex Drive? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .306
Emotional Health Before and After Your Baby Arrives. . . . . . . . . . . 307
Tools for Parents – Edinburgh
Postnatal Depression Screening. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .308
Sad Dads . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .309
What symptoms should partners look out for and
where can they go for support? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 310
Epidural Preferences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 314
Recommended Reading . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 317

12
INTRODUCTION

“You do a lot of growing up when you’re pregnant.

It’s suddenly like, Yikes. Here it is, folks.
Playtime is over.”
–Connie Fioretto–

Have these thoughts crossed your mind during your pregnancy?

What if there’s something wrong with my baby?

What if I poop/puke/scream/cry in labor?

Are my breasts the right size to breastfeed?

What if I’m not a good mom?

If any or all of these thoughts have crossed your mind and you’ve
found yourself suddenly in a cold sweat (not hormone related) then
this book is for you. Between these pages is the power to radically
change how you think about pregnancy, birth and parenting. And
how you think about these things changes the way you experience
them.

13
TRACY DONEGAN

So let’s do this!

Here you are – pregnant…possibly terrified, and probably

overwhelmed with the books, baby stuff and let’s not forget the
buckets of unsolicited advice from the pregnancy police. Let me
start off by saying how very humbled I am that you have chosen my
book to help you prepare for one of the biggest (if not THE biggest)
transitions of your adult life. (Yep you’re officially an adult now). In
your hands you’re holding the equivalent of Harry Potter’s Book of
Spells – except this isn’t about magic – it’s about mind, medicine
and midwifery. But first lets address the elephant in the room -
this is not a book about natural birth – my greatest wish for you
is to have a positive experience - however you define that to be.
That could be an epidural in the parking lot or swinging from the
chandeliers a la Sia.

GentleBirth is more of a mindset than a method. My approach of

tried and tested techniques and exercises will challenge and change
the way you think and shift your mindset incredibly quickly so you
can savor this time even more and have a healthier more enjoyable
postpartum period with your new baby (your partner will thank you
too).

I’m a midwife and a mother and am here to support you through this
transition. So, although you may have been recommended my book
to prepare for your baby’s birth, I want you to know that so much
of what you’re going to learn will help you long after your baby
arrives. I’ve taken a brain science approach to pregnancy wellbeing,
birth preparation, and parenting. It’s such an exciting time to be a
midwife and to have an opportunity to share this information with
you.

As with all of the brain training in this book, if you find any practice
emotionally challenging, give yourself permission to take a break for
a few days and begin again or talk to your care provider.

14
 IN T R O D U C T I O N

THE MOST IMPORTANT JOB IN THE WORLD

Take a moment to imagine you are an alien who has just arrived on
planet earth and you are pregnant (this new world of pregnancy and
parenting often feels alien to almost every first-time mom).

On planet earth, we tell women all the time that being a mother
is the most important job they will ever do (and it’s true). You are
about to take on the role of a lifetime. You are about to experience
profound changes in your body, your mind and your heart…it will
change everything about you – how you see yourself, how the world
sees you and how you see the world. If you were this alien you
would start to realize how important you are and how life changing
this next chapter of your life would be.

Knowing this you would probably be very keen to find out what you
can do to prepare for such an important job. What training do you
need to succeed and where do you get this important training? What
skills can you learn in the coming months to make this transition as
empowering and as positive as possible?

On planet earth preparing new mothers for the role of a lifetime

doesn’t match up to the importance of this life-changing event in
a woman’s life that we keep telling her about. If this pregnant alien
went to a bookstore what would she find? (Inspiration doesn’t seem
to make it to these shelves very often).

It’s likely that she would find a lot of books that focus on everything
that can go wrong during this time. On TV she would see more scary
stories… What would other women tell her? They’d probably tell
you how terrible birth is…and how difficult being a new mom is.
Newfound friends might direct you to YouTube to watch videos that
leave you terrified. Your care provider might even direct you to a
class with other parents for 8 hours of training in diaper changing,
baby bathing, the signs of labor and how your partner can massage
you. These are all helpful to know but the skills of resilience, focus

15
TRACY DONEGAN

and the ability to mother in a way that is self-compassionate and

nurturing (the skills that really matter for the ‘role of a lifetime/
most important job on the planet’) are nowhere to be found.

Wouldn’t that pregnant alien feel very confused - aren’t you? We

keep insisting that this is the most important job in the world but
the preparation we offer mothers is minimal and often focused on
what’s wrong instead of what’s right.

If this alien decided to become an accountant consider how much

training and preparation they would have (4-year college degree
plus about 20 hours of exams and countless hours of exam prep).

If being a mom is the most important job in the world then we need
to up our game.

What if that alien had new training available to her, if she had the
ability to prepare for birth - and life after birth with tools and training
that inspired, uplifted and excited her about the changes ahead?

Starting around 12 weeks that mom would have completed several

thousand hours of preparation just using the GentleBirth App. Best
of all most of that preparation is done at home…on the couch or in
bed for about 20 minutes each day. You could also attend a live class
with your partner of an additional 12 hours and ongoing support
from your Instructor and a global community of well prepared new
moms. We’ve made it easy to prepare for the most important job
ever - and enjoyable too!

What if that preparation left you feeling confident and reassured that
even with these great changes and great challenges of motherhood
- also comes great joy.

16
 IN T R O D U C T I O N

“You had the power all along my dear”

–Glinda the Good Witch–

Words have power and the stories you tell yourself about birth
and parenting impact your pregnancy and your body during labor
and birth. Will your beliefs and thoughts about yourself make your
baby’s birth and parenting experience more manageable or more
challenging? Every woman has the potential to have a positive birth
experience but some of us need more convincing or we don’t believe
we are deserving enough. Think about whether you might be getting
in the way of your positive birth and how you can change that. That
potential for great births is in all of us but it’s been hidden away,
buried deep under layers and layers of misinformation, dramatic TV
shows, and fear. I’m going to help you to uncover the innate wisdom
every mother has - that “knowing” that there has to be a better way,
a more gentle way. You already know how to grow your baby; it’s part
of your genetic makeup. Let’s face it as human beings we’re pretty
good at birth (we continue to overpopulate the planet each year). My
intention is to remind you of something you have long forgotten, a
rediscovery of your power. Today you can begin immersing yourself
in the new science of positive, healthy, powerful, and gentle birth.
Day by day your thinking will begin shift and your body will begin to
respond to the anticipation of the birth process rather than the fear
of it. You begin to act as if a positive birth isn’t just possible - it’s
probable. I’ll be with you every step of the way and next to you as
you bring your baby into the world. The voice in your ear telling you
that “you can do it” will be so much louder than the voice in your
head telling you that you can’t. You’ve got this.

17
TRACY DONEGAN

THE GENTLEBIRTH APP

Reading this book is a great start to a more enjoyable pregnancy and
birth but to take your birth preparation to the next level download
the GentleBirth App (available in the App Store or Google Play with
a free trial). Depending on your unique journey the GentleBirth App
will guide you in your daily practice and support you in any twists and
turns you may have to navigate. Come meet our growing community
of GentleBirth moms around the world in the GentleBirth official
private Facebook group - a sanctuary created to inspire, uplift and
excite you during your pregnancy. For readers who prefer a more
hands-on experience and plan to take our immersive classes, you’ll
find a list of GentleBirth Instructors at http://www.GentleBirth.com

BIRTH STORY
The Perfect Birth
I thought I should get around to sharing my GentleBirth story before
I forget too many details! My actual birth experience was better than
I had ever envisioned my ‘perfect birth’ could be. I had an atypical
experience; my doula and the hospital nurses had never seen
anything like it. I’m so thankful to the GentleBirth community for
helping me grow and welcome our daughter into our family! (sorry
this birth story is quite verbose)

I attended a GentleBirth workshop early (at 5 months), since I would

be travelling, and am so glad I attended when I did! I started the
hypnosis and mindfulness training immediately. It took me many
months to be comfortable doing them without any tracks and also
became part of my daily routine. It also helped me stay positive
through my pregnancy, when the ultrasounds kept saying she was
small for her size (she was born perfectly normal!).

I started my maternity leave 5 days prior to my due date (Oct 17)

and was feeling wonderful. I was confident and excited to introduce

18
 IN T R O D U C T I O N

our first child into the world. I had a doula that I’d talk to constantly
and loved. She helped me create an all-natural birth plan that I
rehearsed in my head many times (which included spending the
majority of labor at home, then rushing to hospital to give birth in
under an hour). I had a hospital bag packed with Wonder Woman
socks and sports bra, yoga pants and snacks for the nurses. I also
had a gift bag of goodies I put together for my husband after the
birth.

Twice during my 39th week, I had 12 hours of prodromal labor

throughout evenings. They would start around 10pm and intensify
throughout the night, then fizzle out the next morning. I even called
my doula and midwife convinced I was in labor at 3am once! These
surges were some of the worst I experienced throughout this journey,
but I was able to use deep breathing techniques and counter pressure
to get through them with a smile. At 39 w 6 d, my midwife said I was
dilated 4 cm and guessed I would give birth within the next few days
(I was thankful the prodromal labor was doing something). At 40w
6d, my midwife swept my membranes (without asking, and just told
me that she “stirred things up”), but I just took this as something I
couldn’t control and accepted it. At 41 wk, I had another episode of
prodromal labor; this one starting in the afternoon. This time, I put
on pop music and danced with my husband through every surge
and we had a ton of fun. In between surges, we watched movies and
got most of the way through a Where’s Waldo book. The next day,
I was laying on the couch, watching Twilight (guilty pleasure), and I
thought my water may have broken, so I called my midwife’s office.
The nurse told me she didn’t think I had, since I wasn’t having any
pain or surges, but she’d tell the doctor anyway. To keep my mind
occupied that night, my husband and I went out shopping and ate
delicious Mexican food. When returning home, the doctor called
and suggested that I go into the Birthing Center and get checked,
just to be safe. I arrive around 7pm and the midwife on call said I
was between 6 and 7 cm and said that she could see hair (I wasn’t

19
TRACY DONEGAN

leaving the hospital). She was shocked that I was still smiling and
not in any pain (other then minor back ache).

Decked out in my Wonder Woman attire, I watched football with

family, walked laps around the halls with my doula and had a dance
party with my husband and doula through intermittent surges. At
3am, I was at 9.5 cm and still smiling and walking the hallways. The
nursing station was shocked and amused every time I’d pass, smile
and wave. I hadn’t changed at all when the midwife re-checked at
7am, right before shift change and mentioned that the next midwife
might suggest augmentation, since I wasn’t progressing or having
normally spaced surges. She was right and this initially terrified me!
My husband and my doula kept reminding me to stay positive and I
was placed on Pitocin at 10am. The nurse increased my Pitocin dose
quite quickly, and soon I was having 5 min long surges with little to
no rest in between. At 2pm (19 hrs at the hospital), I was exhausted
from all the dancing and pain and was given a pain reliever through
the IV (Nubian). I was so thankful for a few minutes of respite! An
hour later I was able to start pushing and at 41.3 weeks at 4:24pm my
beautiful baby girl was born at 8 lbs.

THE MISSING LINK

As you’ve no doubt noticed from your lustrous locks and developing
cankles your body undergoes incredible physiological changes
in pregnancy, so it seems reasonable that your brain undergoes
significant changes too. All joking aside pregnancy changes your
brain but not in the ways that your favorite sitcom would have
you believe. Very few birth professionals have been taught about
this complex “engine” (your brain) that controls your pregnancy,
birth, and breastfeeding experience. Don’t believe me, ask your OB
or midwife about brain plasticity in pregnancy and be prepared
for an uncomfortable silence and probably some awkward paper
shuffling. Over the last decade, there has been an increased focus
on comfort measures for labor - water birth, doulas, peanut balls

20
 IN T R O D U C T I O N

but all of these happen when pain already exists - essentially after
the horse has bolted when you’re IN pain. By learning how you can
sculpt, remodel, and retrain your brain to “think again” - you can
change those pain signals and how your brain interprets them. After
your baby arrives your ‘mommy brain’ will, in fact, help you be more
sensitive and responsive to your newborn baby – your brain is being
sculpted for survival of the species.

Recent studies indicate (contrary to the media reports) that your

brain “upgrades” in pregnancy. During pregnancy and in the first
hours after birth your brain has literally been reconstructed by
hormones and by your interactions with your baby in the important
hours after birth. Researchers Kinsley and Fransen describe these
massive brain changes as being ‘like the revving of a high-powered
sports car at the starting line’ getting ready for the starter’s signal
for the new demands of motherhood. Are you impressed yet?
Although I will admit that some days I felt like my brain was far
from firing on all cylinders. Pass this section to your partner so they
can read this too. In pregnancy you’re like the bionic woman– your
brain is being rebuilt. No doubt you’re well aware of the benefits of
physical exercise. Training the brain brings additional improvements
for health and wellbeing. Training your mind and sculpting your
brain is not dissimilar to sculpting your biceps and, like any fitness-
training program, it takes ongoing practice and daily commitment
(but it’s so much more enjoyable and it won’t leave your hair frizzy).
One trip to the gym or a walk in the park does not significantly
improve your health daily practice with the App makes a difference.
If you’re wondering how you’ll fit in all of this wellness training into
an already busy schedule – you’ll be happy to hear that the longer
brain training sessions in the App can be done from the comfort of
your couch or bed…and you’ll enjoy deeper, more restorative sleep
during your pregnancy (what a nice side effect)!

By reading this book, you’re are taking a big step forward toward
a positive, empowering, and more comfortable birth experience

21
TRACY DONEGAN

no matter what happens on the day and life skills that will stay
with you forever as you parent more gently too. Each time you
practice you’re building emotional resilience - the ability to “bounce
back” from setbacks and handle stressful situations in a healthier
way. Resilience is the ability to face and handle life’s day-to-day
challenges with a flexible and adaptable attitude throughout your
life.

Over the years, one of the most exciting aspects of my work isn’t
the increase in positive births (although it is so thrilling to hear
those incredible birth stories). Where GentleBirth really shines is
the ability for moms and partners to handle whatever comes their
way on the day. In the event of a difficult birth experience, you have
the tools and insights to reframe a negative birth experience into
something more positive – these are important skills to develop
for parenting and you won’t find them in other birth preparation
programs. You are developing and mastering incredible skills for
birth and parenting and not just building yourself a better brain
but you’re changing how your baby’s brain develops too. Your daily
training will change the way you respond to the world forever.
Learning how to not “sweat the small stuff” changes your life and
your experience of it - as a mother and a parent.

You can use the App at any time during your pregnancy and
experience the benefits of a more relaxed pregnancy and more
positive mindset.

Throughout the book you’ll see that I’ve focused on three core areas
of birth preparation for the most positive birth possible:

1. Brain training.
2. Physical comfort measures & head hacking.
3. Negotiating the best birth for you (and your baby).

With the daily practice recommendations, you and your baby can
enjoy the benefits of less anxiety and more excitement (more sleep

22
 IN T R O D U C T I O N

is also a great ‘side effect’). It’s my wish that this book brings more
joy to your pregnancy and more calm back to your baby’s birth. You
are joining thousands of other women all over the world who are
choosing to rethink birth - calm, comfortable, and in control.

THE GENTLEBIRTH
IMPACT ON BIRTH OUTCOMES
Here’s where things get really interesting. In 2014 a large research
study of 34,000 women compared different nonpharmacologic
(natural) pain management approaches to labor (Chaillet 2014).
When compared with other nonpharmacologic approaches to pain,
childbirth education that was based on intentionally activating
specific parts of the brain is associated with a significant decrease
of epidural analgesia, caesarean births, instrumental delivery, use
of synthetic oxytocin, longer labors and lesser maternal satisfaction
with childbirth. The results were so impressive that the Canadian
Association of Obstetricians created a clinical guideline based on the
results so that careproviders understand more about the biology of
pain to provide more effective support in labor. This book and your
daily app practice mirrors the research recommendations. So if an
unmedicated birth is important to you, the GentleBirth approach
lines up with the most improved birth outcomes by any childbirth
education approach available today.

23
TRACY DONEGAN

Dr. Christiane Northrup, obstetrician and author of Women’s

Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, expresses it well in her book when
she forwards a challenge to all birthing mothers:

“Imagine what might happen if the majority of women emerged

from their labor beds with a renewed sense of the strength
and power of their bodies, and of their capacity for ecstasy
through giving birth.

“When enough women realize that birth is a time of great

opportunity to get in touch with their true power, and when
they are willing to assume responsibility for this, we will
reclaim the power of birth and help move technology where it
belongs--in the service of birthing women, not as their master.”

24
BRAIN

BIRTH STORY
I Cannot Wait for Labor!
“I cannot wait for labor. I’m not stupid, I know it can go in different
directions to what I envisioned. But the one thing I absolutely know
won’t go in the wrong direction is my mindset. And to me that makes
me a winner.”– Leanne Keane (3 months before Leanne gave birth).

THE BIRTH OF LILLIE

My first two pregnancies, seven and five years ago, were very very
different to this one. I was very overweight, extremely unfit and had
zero confidence. Through changing enormously as a person since
my third pregnancy and subsequent labor were very very different.

Due to a tragedy within my immediate family last year, I was anxious

as my “due” date approached. Half of me wanted so badly to wait for
a spontaneous labor and the other half wanted to get started ASAP
and be done with all the worry and fear.

The day before my “due” date I had a minor meltdown with community
midwife who sent me to the hospital for a full checkup and a chat

25
TRACY DONEGAN

with the doctor. Thankfully the doctor I saw was very understanding
of my feelings and agreed to an induction the following Saturday at
40+4. I was instantly calm. I had no problem with being induced as it
went so well previously (@ +14) and not once did I become nervous
in the days that followed.

Saturday morning arrived as I got the last bits together and kiddies
went off with my father in law. Even still I was perfectly calm and
ready to set about the task ahead. We arrived in the hospital, did
admissions, etc., and waited for the doctor. Upon examination at
9:30am, baby’s head wasn’t engaged and it was too risky to break
waters so a 24-hour, slow-release propess was inserted instead.
Within the first hour I was having cramps and by 2:30pm I was having
contractions that could be timed. I walked the corridors with my
fast playlist in, did squats, took 20 minutes rest, used the birthing
stool (but found it very uncomfortable) and sat on my yoga ball.
On the ball I rocked my hips, leaning on the bed with earphones in
alternating with my music playlist and the 10-minute GentleBirth
meditation. By 6pm, the contractions were less than 2 minutes apart
so the propess needed to be removed. Once it was, the contractions
got much stronger and, over the next two hours, I was full sure
we were on the home front. I mostly stayed on the ball, put all my
attention on my breathing and actually found myself using hand
gestures similar to a wave in line with my breath. I was so happy
with how well I was working through it all.

And then it stopped. By 8:30pm the contractions had basically

disappeared. I had cramping in the hours after but nothing more.
One of the community midwives came to see me at 11pm and advised
me to get some sleep and see what the doc said in the morning. I
won’t lie, I was pretty upset. I had a little cry and off I went to sleep
for 2 hours. (My dad owns an apartment 1km from hospital so my
husband walked to it to get some sleep, safe in the knowledge he
could be back in a flash if needed be). I woke at 1:30am and then got
another one hour of sleep at some stage later.

26
 B R A IN

Sunday morning my husband was back by 7am. We had breakfast

and anxiously waited for the doc to arrive. My concern was that
there would be no more they could do for me and I’d be sent home
and back to square one with the worry I had all along. Thankfully,
the 6 hours work put in yesterday had brought baby’s head down
low enough that my waters could be broken. I was thrilled.

Once done, I was totally back in the game. Not much happened
throughout the day, my parents came to see us and my mam ended
up staying seven hours with myself and husband in the ward. We
relaxed and chatted and ate and laughed with the sun shining in the
window as we waited for my body to do its thing. By 8pm that night I
was pretty shattered and fell asleep only to be woken an hour later
with the first of the “official” contractions at 9pm. No mistaken this,
things were kicking off.

Labor and Birth:

9pm-11pm was pretty ok. Within 30 minutes I had my TENS machine

on as I knew this was it. By 11:30pm, contractions were 2-3 minutes
apart so I asked to be checked. Not quite far enough along to go to
the delivery room. Community midwife gave me two heat packs, one
for tummy, one for lower back, put my GentleBirth back on (Labor
Companion and affirmations) and lay on my left side with husband
doing hip compressions during each contraction. I feel I coped quite
well throughout but by 1am was eager to get to delivery. 1:10am and
it was time to go.

Arrived in room 9 where my daughter had been born 5 years earlier,

I was delighted it was available. We got settled in setting up my fan,
my phone with speaker and the wireless trace was put on. I leaned
on the bed (which the midwife had raised up) and swayed my hips.
I used the gas and air, did squats on the exhale and spent a lot of
time with my eyes closed. The first few tries of the gas and air I
felt dizzy but I quickly realized I just needed to focus on my breath
AFTER each contraction ended and the dizziness passed. We chatted

27
TRACY DONEGAN

in between contractions about my playlist and the singers on it. I

smiled as I spoke of how my mam used to sing the song playing,
“The Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston.

After some time I asked to use the shower. I LOVED it on my last

labor. At this stage, it was 2:30am or thereabouts (as per my labor
notes). I didn’t get to stay long as the trace kept moving. I also hit a
bit of a wall and felt exhausted. I got out of the shower and lay on
the bed but couldn’t relax nor get comfortable. I tried the right side,
all fours and leaning over the back. But I’d lost my flow. I asked for
Pethidine—it was the turning point.

Once administered, I actually began to lightly snooze in between

contractions. When I felt one starting I’d put gas and air back in and
when it passed I’d nod off slightly. Getting those few minutes each
time totally rejuvenated me and gave me the energy I needed to
continue.

Some may find the rest of my story bonkers, some may resonate. But
it was an experience that could only be felt. It’s for this reason it has
taken me so long to try to put it into words as I simply don’t know if
I can, but here goes.

My head and my mind left the room. I went into the deepest state
of relaxation I’ve ever experienced. I asked for silence in the room
to allow me to stay where I had gone. My husband and midwife
kindly obliged. I spent the next long while leaning over the back of
the bed, TENS now gone, gas and air in hand. I was unaware of what
was going on in the room. I could feel my body moving and swaying
and rocking when I realized I wasn’t controlling it. There was no
longer “pain” during the contractions. It was like as if, when each
one began, a sensation changed in my body but it stayed at the one
level. And then it went away again.

While I was unaware of my immediate surroundings, I heard another

mother in labor being very vocal. I just remember thinking it was like

28
 B R A IN

an animal noise. I could resonate with her. I could sense her. I felt
she helped me and I helped her. If I did have any moments of doubt
during this time, once I heard her vocalize I instantly felt “we’re in
this together”. The word I used to describe this whole experience to
my dad later that day was primal. I felt a bit silly at first but that’s
just how it felt. Like I was experiencing what animals do when they
give birth—in fact, how it should be for humans also.

By around 5:30am, my body started making sudden movements. It

was almost like something was inside me and trying to get out—
which is literally what was happening. I later read in my notes the
phrase “expulsive contractions” and that’s exactly how it felt. It was
my body signaling it was ready to deliver my baby. There was no
need for examination to check I was 10cm, it was extremely clear.

I became aware there were now more people in the room. The
midwife had made a call just to let others know we were about to
deliver should she need assistance (my daughter was 9.14 lb. and had
slight shoulder dystocia). I recall turning back around from leaning
over the back of the bed, pulling my legs back and reaching down
and feeling my daughter’s head. I couldn’t believe it; I genuinely
hadn’t felt a thing. No burning or stinging sensation she had literally
slid out. Inside that same contraction, with a bit of a push,

Lillie Grace Keane was on my chest. At the very last moment, I got a
bit lost. I remember squeezing my husband’s hand but not knowing
where I was for those few seconds (it was almost like coming around
from being really dizzy). And then almost like somebody waking you
from your sleep, I was back in the room.

I remember looking out the window and wondering how it was

bright, it was morning, 5:55am with the most beautiful red sky.

Lillie lay on my chest under my nightdress and didn’t get dressed

until the next day. She stayed in her nappy on my chest only coming
out for feeds and a nappy change. Once we got to the ward she

29
TRACY DONEGAN

latched on first go not a bother. 8 weeks later I can’t say it’s been
an easy road with all sorts of problems but the main thing is we’re
still breastfeeding and making progress. Having only lasted 1 day
with Dylan and Ava I’m over the moon and absolutely loving it. The
feeling you get when feeding, for me, is like the icing on the cake
after a wonderful birth-something you would struggle to put into
words—and I get to feel it all day every day.

GentleBirth brought me back to neutral. Anytime throughout my

pregnancy, my labor, my delivery that I drifted, it brought me
back to where I needed to be. In the final days of my pregnancy
when anxious I adjusted one affirmation to “I stay with my baby
in these last few days”. Repeatedly in delivery, I reminded myself
out loud, “soft body strong mind”. The 10-minute meditation was
a Godsend when I was stressed in pregnancy. And the induction
track helped me refocus what exactly induction is; just a different
starting point.

Our baby is here, 8 weeks old today, we are all in love and I am so so
so thankful for the wonderful and beautiful experience that I finally
got to see, that birth really is.

TELLING A NEW BIRTH STORY

“In giving birth to our babies, we may find that we

give birth to new possibilities within ourselves.”
–Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn–

Don’t Hook Your Happiness on One Kind of Birth

I’m not going to tell you that your birth will be pain free, easy or
short and if anyone does run the other way. For most first time

30
 B R A IN

moms your labor experience will fall somewhere in the middle but
there are things that you can do to stack the odds in your favor
of it being less painful, a little easier and maybe even shorter. For
years we only had two choices in how we planned to cope with
labor - pain-free with medication or medication-free and in pain.
But there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy a more positive and
gentle birth no matter how your baby arrives on the day – that’s
why mindset matters so much. Our philosophy has always been that
a positive birth comes in many forms and is defined by you – not
friends, family, or the nosy neighbor down the street. But what’s
equally important is that you have a gentle emotional experience of
pregnancy, birth and the postpartum period. This is a time for self-
compassion and self-kindness. I invite you to allow GentleBirth to
provide you with a raft of buoyancy as you navigate the sometimes
stormy seas that are ahead.

Let’s get down to basics. You didn’t have to learn how to digest
your food and you probably never took a class on how to pump
your heart. By using the practices in this book you’re reducing fear
of birth and replacing it with confidence, you’re going to learn how
to tune out distractions and tune in to your natural instinct. It’s
about turning off the negative thought patterns and turning on
the primal, instinctual part of the brain that makes birth a more
positive experience. It all sounds complicated but, in reality, it’s
very simple. In fact, it’s the simplicity of GentleBirth that makes it
seem too easy. The same part of your brain that controls digestion,
your breathing, your eyes blinking, making sure just the perfect
amount of blood gets to every nerve muscle and fiber in your body
is the same part of the mind that is responsible for reproduction
and birth.

The same part of your brain that developed and released the perfect
egg (for most readers) and created the exact conditions for a healthy
pregnancy - is the same part of your mind that is responsible for
the unique hormonal dance between mother and baby that starts

31
TRACY DONEGAN

labor and helps birth ‘happen’ – without any conscious input from
you. Most moms are able to work, drive, and attend to life’s day-to-
day demands without consciously thinking about how to grow their
baby. You just trusted that your body knew what to do, where to put
your baby’s eyes, ears, fingers, and toes. You didn’t wake up one
morning and think to yourself, “I need to grow my baby some ears
today.” So, after nine months of pregnancy, do our amazing bodies
just “forget” how to get the baby out? Of course not.

Your body has incredible potential but in birth just like in life
sometimes we can be blindsided by an unexpected turn of events or
an illness and there are times when our body can do some strange
things. Most books prepare you for the birth you want – I want to
take things one step further to prepare you for the birth you didn’t
want.

“Remember this, for it is as true as true gets: Your

body is not a lemon. You are not a machine. The
Creator is not a careless mechanic. Human female
bodies have the same potential to give birth well as
aardvarks, lions, rhinoceri, elephants, moose, and
water buffalo. Even if it has not been your habit
throughout your life so far, I recommend that you
learn to think positively about your body.”
–Ina May Gaskin–

32
 B R A IN

GentleBirth Mom

“I spent 14 hours in labor, from my first pain: 11 hours at home

in the bath, one hour in the car travelling to the hospital, and
only 2 hours in labor in the hospital -I was 8cm when I arrived.
Waters hadn’t broken, baby was fine, delivered only using
gas and air, no stitches, was back home in six hours. I think
practicing your program while I was pregnant did a lot to keep
me calm and focused, and helped me believe that I could cope
no matter what happened.”

GENTLEBIRTH THROUGH THE AGES

As early as the 1800s, scientists were discovering that women who
didn’t expect birth to be a traumatic ordeal tended to have more
comfortable and shorter labors.

Here is an excerpt from “Labor among Primitive Peoples” by George

Julius Engelmann, written in 1882:

Two or three years ago (1879-1880), an Indian party of Flat Heads and
Kootenais men, women, and children, set out for a hunting trip. On
a severely cold winter’s day, one of the women, allowing the party
to proceed, dismounted from her horse, spread an old buffalo robe
upon the snow and gave birth to a child which was immediately
followed by the placenta. Having attended to everything as well as
the circumstances permitted, she wrapped up the young one in a
blanket, mounted her horse, and overtook the party before they had
noticed her absence.

Dr. Grantly Dick-Read tells us about a birth he attended that changed

his own perception of birth: “In due course, the baby was born. There
was no fuss or noise.

33
TRACY DONEGAN

“Everything seemed to have been carried out according to an

ordered plan.

“There was only one slight dissension: I tried to persuade my patient

to let me put the mask over her face and give her some chloroform
when the head appeared and the dilation of the passages was
obvious.

“She, however, resented the suggestion and firmly but kindly refused
to take this help. It was the first time in my short experience that
I had ever been refused when offering chloroform. As I was about
to leave some time later, I asked her why it was that she would not
use the mask. She did not answer at once, but looked from the old
woman who had been assisting to the window through which was
bursting the first light of dawn: It didn’t hurt. It wasn’t meant to, was
it doctor?”

Long before his time, Read made the connection between fear and
the expectation of excessive pain in labor.

“For far too many, pregnancy and birth is

still something that happens to them rather
than something they set out consciously and
joyfully to do themselves”
–Sheila Kitzinger–

GENTLEBIRTH IN MODERN TIMES

In more recent times, obstetrician Dr. Michel Odent has been helping
the world rediscover the needs of the birthing mother and what he
refers to as “undisturbed birth.” According to Dr. Odent, we must
focus on the most active part of your physiology in birth - the brain

34
 B R A IN

and the glands orchestrating the perfect hormonal release to make

birth more manageable. The same hormones that were present
when creating your baby (for most moms) are the same hormones
needed to birth your baby: dim lighting, privacy, and the freedom
to be yourself. In order for your hormones to work optimally during
labor, certain conditions need to be met, such as a quiet, relaxed,
comfortable atmosphere where you feel safe and supported and
have privacy. Believe it or not, the hormones of romance are also
the keys to great labors (more on that later).

You’ve been practicing (yes practicing) the thoughts of fearful birth

and excessive pain for a long time so you’re probably really good
at it! Like any bad habit, we can change it, and once you change
those beliefs your life will never be the same again. TV shows like
“One Born Every Minute” and even reading lots of dramatic birth
stories weaken your neuronal network for positive birth. GentleBirth
reconfigures your brain for emotional wellbeing and a positive birth.

WHAT ABOUT DADS?

Becoming a parent is one of the biggest life transitions we go through
and, as moms, we’re living the experience but dads (life partners)
are spectators and in our current society – quite uncomfortable
ones and often forgotten when it comes to paternal postpartum
depression. Research suggests that 10% of new dads experience
paternal postpartum depression.

We’re only starting to get to grips with the stigma associated with
mental wellbeing in pregnancy for moms. It’s so important to keep
this conversation going to raise awareness but we need to widen
the circle of support to include dads/partners. The stigma against
experiencing difficulties in early parenthood is even higher for men
than for women. We expect them to be stoic, strong and selfless…
but when a new dad is having difficulties they’re even less likely to
ask for help. Dads and female birth partners have their own brain
training within the GentleBirth App.

35
TRACY DONEGAN

YOUR MINDSET MATTERS

Harvard psychologist Professor Ellen Langer has spent her entire
career investigating the power of the mind. Langer’s research
started over 30 years ago, in 1979, when she carried out a ground-
breaking study. She wanted to know whether recreating a state of
mind from 20 years earlier would make any changes in the bodies
of participants. A group of elderly men in their late 70s or 80s were
recruited for a “week of reminiscence.” Surrounded by props from
the 50s they were asked to act as if it was actually 1959. They watched
films, listened to music and discussed news events of the time - all
as if these things were new and happening right in the present.

Understandably, Dr. Langer herself had doubts. “You have to

understand, when these people came to see if they could be in the
study and they were walking down the hall to get to my office, they
looked like they were on their last legs, so much so that I said to my
students, Why are we doing this? It’s too risky.”

As the week went by Dr. Langer began to notice that they were
walking faster and their confidence had improved. One man decided
to do without his walking stick. At the end of the week, they played
an impromptu game of touch football.

Physiological measurements were taken both before and after the

week and showed that the men improved across the board. Their
gait, dexterity, arthritis, speed of movement, cognitive abilities,
and memory were all measurably improved. Their blood pressure
improved and, even more surprisingly, their eyesight and hearing
got better. The subjects’ joints became more flexible, their posture
straightened, and the lengths of their fingers, which typically shorten
with age and arthritis, increased.

In another example of Langer’s research, she took 84 hotel

housekeeping staff and told one group of them that the work they
did (cleaning hotel rooms) was good exercise. She told the control

36
 B R A IN

group nothing. Four weeks later there were no changes to the

control group; however, the test group had decreased in weight,
blood pressure, body fat, waist-to-hip ratio, and body mass index.
Their work hadn’t changed, so it seems that some new thinking or
belief in the hotel workers had been enough to change their bodies.

What were the stories that these elderly men and hotel housekeepers
were telling themselves? How did their body and brain change so
much just by their thoughts? Almost everything you’ve learned about
having a baby and maybe breastfeeding was learned “mindlessly”
years ago before you had the benefit of insight and positive stories.
Now you do and now you can change that old habit of thought by
relearning mindfully for a positive birth and parenting experience.
Optimists have a can-do positive attitude and pessimists tend to
focus on what they can’t do. A Mayo Clinic study indicates that
optimists on average live longer than pessimists do. Penn State
University tracked 120 men who had suffered one heart attack. After
eight years, they found that 80% of pessimists had died of a second
attack, compared with 33% of optimists. Other research suggests
that optimism can lead to success at work school and sports and
we know it’s an important aspect of preparing for a big event like
having a baby and becoming a parent.

THE GENTLEBIRTH MINDSET

One of the biggest determining factors in how you will handle a
challenging event is how you think about your ability to cope with
the challenges - your mindset. This sentence is worth reading
several times…let it sink in. The way you envision yourself in labor
will impact how your labor unfolds. Right now when you imagine
yourself in labor what does that scene look like? As if you’re watching
yourself on TV … are you calm and focused with your confident, well-
trained partner by your side? Do you feel strong and determined? If
it is then you already have a head start! But it’s very possible that
what you’re actually imagining is you wailing on a bed, feeling out

37
TRACY DONEGAN

of control and terrified with your partner frozen in fear. The good
news is that all is not lost if you’re currently ‘rehearsing’ a less than
positive birth experience. It means you’re going to get even more out
of this book. I’ll give you a free pass on this occasion as you’re brand
new to GentleBirth but shifting your mindset begins today – right
now with you noticing what stories are playing out in your mind
when you think about your baby’s birth…breastfeeding…parenting.

A mindset is a filter or lens that colors every experience you have.

It is a set of beliefs that shape your reality including physical
reactions. We have a constant running commentary going on in
our mind as our brain is always monitoring and interpreting the
world around us our experiences but sometimes the interpretation
isn’t accurate especially when we take things personally. Mindsets
frame the running commentary in a negative or positive way. The
GentleBirth mindset creates an internal voice focused on positive
expectations seeing birth and parenting as a challenge - a challenge
we can prepare for and become confident in our abilities.

When we explore the mindset research it’s suggested that there

are two kinds one that is fixed or growth (flexible mindset). A fixed
mindset is a voice that says things like “It’s going to be so awful – I
just know I won’t cope, I shouldn’t set my expectations so high…why
even try.” It’s usually quite judgmental too. Parents with a growth
mindset are more aware of judging themselves and realize it can be
damaging when preparing for our baby’s birth. Mindfulness helps
parents become aware of that inner voice and which is the dominant
mindset – most of us have a mix of both. GentleBirth parents are
more focused on taking positive experience and learning from
experience to have the most positive birth possible. They adopt a
more curious adaptable attitude.

When we look at mindset and stress the ideal stress response gives
us energy and focus and motivates us to act in a way that is healthy
- it is a motivator to help us reach our goals – a positive birth and
parenting experience. You might be familiar with the fight/flight

38
 B R A IN

response (panic and fear) and the oxytocin response (calm and
connected) but there is another stress response – the challenge-
response – aka the ‘excite and delight’ response. You can learn how
to transform a fight/flight response into a challenge-response. Is
adrenaline all bad? Only if it’s constant and part of fight or flight.
The challenge-response is healthier for you and your baby. No study
shows that an absence of stress response improves our lives as nice
as it sounds. We can’t eliminate stress but we can transform it. All
studies show the stress response is enhanced with the presence of
the challenge-response. So how does that translate into preparing
for birth? There is a fine line between feeling excited and running
from a scary bear but you can ‘get good’ at stress.

A University of New Orleans study compared novice and experienced

skydivers…you might think that the experienced skydivers would
have a lower heart rate given their years of experience but their
heart rate was higher. The more excited they were the bigger their
‘excite and delight’ response. We’re approaching birth/parenting as
a challenge. We recognize that your true potential is unknown but
a positive birth is 100% achievable with the right mindset during
one of the most challenging times of your life. In the challenge-
response your body acts as if you’re exercising…your blood vessels
expand and your critical thinking brain remains active. In a fight/
flight response, the blood vessels constrict making our body and
brain work against us in labor. Emotionally you feel afraid and that
primary goal is to protect and survive…in a challenge-response,
you feel excited and energized…it’s not about escaping a threat but
going after what you want – and rocking your birth! A little anxiety is
a good thing especially in the last few weeks of pregnancy – you’re
about to go through a huge life-changing experience. Surgeons are
more focused and have improved fine motor skills in a challenge-
response. Studies also show that pilots have safer landings in a
flight simulator when the challenge-response is initiated as they
can access the neo-cortex (the critical thinking part of the brain).
Right from the beginning of your pregnancy (or starting today)

39
TRACY DONEGAN

immerse yourself in positive birth stories and get your birth

team in place. Focus on your resources and previous experiences
overcoming stressful events. We always see a huge mindset shift
after our workshops. You start to engage the challenge-response
and are ready to rock your birth. When labor starts that fast beating
heart means you are getting ready to take on that challenge – it is
oxygenating your muscles and bringing nutrients to your body for
the work of labor. Reframing that fast beating heart is essential - it
is giving you energy rather than panic. It’s so much easier to move
from challenge-response to calm and connected – especially in
early labor when it’s important to conserve energy.

Here are a couple of ways to cultivate your new mindset for stress.
This is not just for labor but for life.

Notice the stress – notice how it’s affecting you…just noticing it

means you can do something about it.

Recognize that stress is letting you know this is something you really
care about.

Learn from any setbacks or bumps in the road and control the
controllables.

Be aware of your internal voice and act on it based on your individual

preferences…maybe that is to change birth preferences, find a new
care-provider, hire a doula etc.

Try to tune into the helpful and unhelpful voices in your head and
practice focusing and acting on the growth mindset (here’s a hint –
it’s the internal narrator that makes you feel good).

WHAT IS YOUR MINDSET TODAY?

Being able to identify our dominant mindset is really helpful. My
youngest son Cooper has been learning about mindset in school
and it’s making a huge difference to his confidence. If you think you

40
 B R A IN

have a fixed mindset don’t worry you can learn how to channel those
thoughts into a more positive mindset. Let me help you do that.

A parent with a more fixed mindset would say something like “I

don’t think I can do this, I don’t think I can even try.”

A growth mindset would say. “I don’t know if I can do this but I will
stack the odds in my favor and learn more so I can build my birth
toolkit.”

A fixed mindset would have more thoughts like ‘what if you scream
in labor, what will everyone think – I’ll be so embarrassed’.

A growth mindset would say – ‘lots of GentleBirth moms make noise

in labor – it can be a great coping mechanism – think of the tennis
players and weight lifters who use sounds to help them.’

A fixed mindset would say – ‘if you don’t try you can just keep your
dignity… and no embarrassment…what will your family think’?

A growth mindset would be thinking – ‘If I don’t give it my best

shot I’ll never know what my limits are or how strong I am - does it
matter what my family thinks? I will know that I will have done my
best for my baby’.

A fixed mindset would say – ‘I should just do what the doctor says’…a
growth mindset would say ‘ I am the expert on my baby – basketball
wasn’t easy for Michael Jordan but he was committed and what the
nurse suggested just didn’t feel right for me – I think I need to ask
for more information.’

When feeling criticized a fixed mindset would say ‘it wasn’t my

fault’….it was someone else’s or something else’s fault. A mom with a
growth mindset would say ‘if I don’t take responsibility I can’t make
improvements – they mean well and I’ll listen to them – I’m sure I
can take away something positive’.

41
TRACY DONEGAN

As you become aware of these voices you’ll see where your focus is…
and adjust it in the coming weeks. When you can hear both voices
and then act on the growth mindset your whole experience of
pregnancy and parenting will change. See how it works for you over
the coming weeks. Listen in to your own self-talk and determine
what your mindset is and whether you lean toward a growth or fixed
mindset….and as you listen in …challenge some of

those fixed thoughts and consider what action can you take to move
toward a more growth-focused mindset.

Use the 3 Ps Throughout Your Pregnancy

• Focus on the Present

• Focus on the Positive
• Focus on the Process

THE CHAMPIONS MINDSET FOR MOTHERHOOD

Muhammad Ali was only 22 years of age when he fought Sonny
Liston. Back then – boxing experts relied on physical measurements
called tales of the tape to determine how good a boxer was. It
measured reach, weight, chest measurements, fist size. However, Ali
didn’t really measure up – at least physically. Experts didn’t give him
a chance. Sonny Liston seemed to have it all …the matchup was so
ludicrous the arena was only half full. Apart from Ali’s speed, his
mind was his biggest asset. He studied Sonny and tried to get into
Sonny Liston’s mind and then turned it against him. Why did Ali
appear to go crazy before each fight? The most powerful punch was
the one you didn’t see coming. Ali wanted Liston to think he was
mentally unstable and was capable of anything so he played on
Sonny’s fears. According to Ali speaking about Liston, ‘all he could
see was all mouth…that was all I wanted him to see’. Ali definitely
looked powerful but his mind was even more powerful. When you
look at photos of Ali we tend to think about his physical fitness
instead of his mental fitness. His heart rate and blood pressure

42
 B R A IN

were off the chart right before the fight and it was almost canceled…
(sounds like a challenge-response to me - this was not fight flight
or panic…this was Ali getting ready to rock Sonny Liston’s world). He
predicted he would win in 8 but he won in 6. He used little rhymes
to upset his competitors….’round 8 to prove I’m great’.

Another elite athlete, Michael Jordan the NBA basketball player had
a unique mindset. He never made the school team or the first NBA
teams. According to Jordan, “the mental toughness and heart are a
lot stronger than the physical advantage you might have.” But most
people only see the physical perfection that led to his greatness,
not his mindset. The GentleBirth mindset continues to astound me
- the confidence that GentleBirth parents exude after a workshop
especially when they are faced with setbacks…there is no question
that these moms have had a shift in mindset and the partners too.
They leave the workshop filled with confidence that they will be
able to handle the challenges ahead – there is an unwavering belief
that they can handle anything that comes their way on the big day.

HOW TO STOP NEGATIVE

THINKING IN PREGNANCY
You can’t. The end.

Trying to NOT think about that time you embarrassed yourself in

front of the whole office just doesn’t work. And trying to suppress
thoughts about pooping in labor is like holding a beach ball under
water…it will come back to hit you in the face (the beach ball not
the poop). Suppressed thoughts rebound even more intensively
and more frequently. In this segment, you’re going to learn lots of
simple strategies that with a little practice can raise your level of
pregnancy and parenting enjoyment significantly. Leaning on your
partner during pregnancy and the postpartum weeks is important
but wouldn’t it be wonderful to have even more of your own inner
resources available to you in those few months.

43
TRACY DONEGAN

Ok so you can’t just stop every single negative thought you have but
you can avoid hanging with the Negative Nellies.

Imagine you have a few weeks to your EDD (aka your guess date)
and you are so excited for labor to begin you can’t stand it. Then
one day during lunch a colleague starts throwing shade about how
she took one of those ‘natural birth’ classes and it all went out the
window as soon as she felt that first contraction and reminds you
that there’s ‘no medals for going without’…. (you get the picture).

Conversations with NNs (Negative Nellies) are exhausting. Before

you know it you’ve taken the bait. You find yourself defending your
choices, digging your heels in and ultimately putting more pressure
on yourself as you resolve to “show them”.

It takes self restraint but the more you engage with these Negative
Nellies you’ll find yourself being less blissed and more stressed in
the coming weeks.

STRATEGIES FOR DEALING

WITH NEGATIVE NELLIES
Avoid them whenever possible. Research shows that repeated
exposure to stimuli that causes strong negative emotions is bad for
your health (and your baby’s). Think of it this way - if the Negative
Nelly was a smoker would you sit there through your lunch break
and inhale their second-hand smoke? Nope.

If you can’t avoid them and have to work with them at a minimum
avoid discussions about birth/breastfeeding and vaccinations.
These are a sure fire way to poke the mama bear. When they ask if
you’re getting the epidural just smile and say “I’m not ruling it out.
We’ll see how we go on the day”. Then quickly change the topic to
Game of Thrones.

44
 B R A IN

Find your positive birth ‘tribe’ – it takes a village but it’s the village
idiots that you need to watch out for. Hang out with likeminded
moms in person and virtually.

If you’ve been to a GentleBirth class your partner will know the

importance of running interference on these kinds of discussions at
family gatherings. These are a hot spot for NNs so be alert especially if
you’re a first time mom. NNs have a built in tracking system to find you
and make you miserable. Most of the time your Cocoon of Calm practice
can render you invisible to their radar – the more practice you do the
less penetrable your cocoon is to them (like water off a ducks back).

Choose your battles: Your OB suggests that giving birth on the bed
is easier for everyone and he can prevent you having a tear. Smile
and nod….and smile even more as you change to a more supportive
hospital/OB/Midwife.

Don’t take it personally NNs haven’t had the benefit of brain training
for birth to rewire their brains so they’re not as emotionally and
mentally fit for birth as you are. When the Negative Nellies throw
down the gauntlet – take a breath and step over it (this is a great
opportunity to practice slow controlled breathing).

Be kind, it’s not your job to turn everyone into Positive Pollies –
that’s mine.

Share the love and recommend my book to them.

MEDITATION – IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

In the next few pages I’m going to share some of the benefits of
meditation (and there are plenty) but if you have an aversion to
what you think meditation is and are about to skip ahead to signs
of labor here it is.

45
TRACY DONEGAN

In a nutshell

Yes there are plenty of demonstrated benefits from learning

how to meditate but they are secondary to the real reason
meditation is such an important tool for women in particular.
Practicing meditation helps you notice all the BS the voice in
your head tries to convince you is true. This is as far from a
relaxation technique as you can get. If you can get to grips in
pregnancy with the fact that your mind lies to you – you have
NO IDEA how much more empowered you’ll feel in those long
challenging weeks after your baby arrives. When that voice is
telling you what a crap mom you are, how awful your body
looks (insert additional various insults here) and you realize
you don’t have to take the bait - it’s life changing.

The Scene: Tracy the Midwife is frantically trying to finish up a project

that was due yesterday. She hasn’t eaten since early morning – it’s
now 2.40pm

Actors: Tracy (played by herself)

VIMH (Voice in My Head) played by my judgy mind.

Tracy: Sh*t I forgot to pick up Jack from school (as she frantically
grabs her keys and races to the car).

VIMH: Ugh AGAIN??? You’re such a crap mom, how can any mother
forget to pick up their own kid from school? You suck.

Tracy: I must be the only mom to ever do this. I suck (metaphorically

beats herself with a big stick for perceived parenting inadequacies).

VIMH: Can’t argue there, no awards for mother of the year for
you. What if he’s kidnapped – how could you live with yourself if
something happened to him?

46
 B R A IN

These kinds of ‘conversations’ are happening every waking hour, so

although the scene may be different for you the tone is usually arsey
(unkind, mean, critical and judgy). When you practice meditation the
scene and how you feel about the scene changes.

VIMH (Voice in My Head) played by my judgy mind.

Tracy: Sh*t I forgot to pick Jack up from school (as she frantically
grabs her keys and races to the car).

VIMH: Ugh AGAIN? You’re such a crap mom, how can any mother
forget to pick up their own kid from school? You suck.

Tracy: Well hello to you too evil twin, it’s been a while. I was wondering
when you’d show up again. Thank you for ‘insightful’ feedback on
my parenting skills as always but I think I’ll cut myself some slack
today. It’s been a crazy day and Jack is 14 not 4 – waiting an extra 10
minutes at school isn’t the end of the world. Sh*t happens and I’m
not the first mom to ever do this and I definitely won’t be the last.

VIMH: Errrr ok (hair flip and VIHM exits stage left).

Scene fades – Tracy notices the unwanted negative opinion of her

‘evil twin’ (more on that later) and with a friendly but no nonsense
attitude cuts the interaction short and cuts herself some slack.

Meditation makes your mind a stage – and your thoughts and

feelings are the actors but you get to see who the actors are (the
evil ones tend to read from the same judgy script). Just like great
Pantomimes the character we love (awareness) will help you see the
villains ‘it’s BEHIND YOU’ when VIMH tries to sneak up on you and
hijack your wellbeing.

Are you still with me? Good then let’s learn more.

47
TRACY DONEGAN

NO MOUNTAIN TOP REQUIRED

You probably think your mind is too busy to practice meditation
or you’re too strong willed, too fidgety or you think you have to
listen to pan pipes. The word “mindfulness” can bring up images of
sitting cross-legged in front of crystals chanting ‘OM’ while silently
wrestling with your mind to stop thinking. It’s not a religion and it
requires no special clothing or difficult training. But it does take
patience, persistence and a very forgiving attitude. As someone who
multitasks in my sleep, calming my brain ‘chatter’ can be hard work.
Sitting still for five minutes without your phone, TV, or iPad can be
challenging for many of us these days. Remember that last time
your Wi-Fi went down during an important project (or TV show)…
amplify that feeling x 10. Not a good feeling.

Most of us tend to go through life on autopilot with our head in

the past, reliving a past experience, or in the future, worrying about
what’s going to happen. We have to learn how to train ourselves to
let stressful thoughts go and stop trying to wrestle with our minds
to change the way we think we ‘should’ feel about pregnancy, birth,
and parenting especially if you’re not enjoying this time in your life
as much as you think you should. Mindfulness in a nutshell is about
focus – where you put it determines how good you feel and I’ll take
a wild guess that feeling good is important to you.

“Let thoughts come and go.

Just don’t serve them tea.”
–Shunryn Suzuki–

In other words don’t spend too much time entertaining these

unwelcome ‘visitors’ especially if they are stressing you out. Before
I started meditating I used to not just serve them tea but a whole

48
 B R A IN

four-course meal, I still do it every so often – some days are just

easier than others.

In every single experience you have in pregnancy and, as a new parent,

there are three basic elements; Your thoughts, your feelings and the
sensations in your body. As you’re reading this page you’re having
thoughts about what you’re reading or maybe you’re thinking about
dinner. You may also be having an emotional response to a birth
story and you’re also experiencing some sensations in your body
(you just might not have been aware of them until I mentioned it).
Maybe you’re feeling your baby’s kicks…or your back feels stiff. When
you are feeling anxious you can probably feel your heart beating
faster and your breathing getting faster. When you are meditating
we start with these three elements. Remember - thoughts, feelings
and sensations are the key to mindfulness practice.

In a fascinating experiment, a group of participants was given the

choice between sitting in a room alone with their thoughts for
several minutes with no distractions or they could choose to give
themselves a mild electric shock – ¼ of the women and 2/3 of the
men chose to zap themselves. (Answers the question of which sex
is the more ‘evolved’). The researchers did find some correlation
between mindfulness and the ability to entertain ourselves. I’ll take
a short mindfulness session over an electric shock any day (wonder
what my husband thinks…).

AUTOPILOT
Your brain has a brilliant way of creating ‘shortcuts’ that makes
your life so much easier. Imagine having to learn how to walk every
morning, or how to drive your car? Thankfully once you’ve mastered
these skills your brain creates a shortcut (like a shortcut you might
have on your desktop) to access certain programs. These shortcuts
free up our brain’s resources so you can multitask, but we’re now
learning that all of this multitasking that we’ve become so used to
bragging about may not be all that healthy for us.

49
TRACY DONEGAN

See how often you can catch yourself on autopilot today. We’ve all
had the experiences of putting our keys down and not being able
to find them or walking into a room and forgetting what you went
in there for. It would be easy to blame this on pregnancy brain but
this is also you running on autopilot – you are so immersed in the
next activity or what happened yesterday that you are physically
doing the actions but you’re not “there.” Mindfulness just means
you are being present on purpose you’re paying attention to what
you’re doing at this very moment - on purpose. You are choosing to
be completely absorbed in your current activity brushing your teeth
having a shower washing the dishes. These may not be the most
exciting activities of your life but paying attention to them as you do
them stops your mind jumping from the past into the future looking
for all the regrettable decisions you’ve ever made.

For just a moment or two, notice where your feet are. Are they
connected to the floor? Can you feel the carpet under your feet?
Or maybe you can notice the temperature of your toes. Now notice
the way your back feels against the chair, don’t change position,
just notice it. See - you’re practicing mindfulness already and not
a whiff of incense in the air! Take baby steps and try being mindful
while you’re drinking your coffee today; notice the temperature on
your lips and tongue, the taste or, as you walk to your car, notice
how your muscles move effortlessly over the ground. Sense how
your feet feel in your shoes … are they warm or cold? As you take
a bite of your sandwich - slow down and really taste the different
flavors the textures how your jaw chews and the sensation of
swallowing that bite. Savor the taste and, more important, savor
the moment. Mindlessness (autopilot) is a habit, an unhealthy one,
but mindfulness is like a muscle that gets stronger the more you
practice. Try a few of these exercises today and notice how your
mind itches to run away as soon as you take your focus away from
that moment. When you notice your mind making a quick exit to
think of all the things it believes you should be doing, be easy with

50
 B R A IN

yourself - just gently move your awareness back to that delicious

sandwich.

So, as you have no doubt experienced, even in the previous simple

exercises, your mind loves to wander. It loves to spend time in the
past replaying events that have already happened thinking about
what we should have said how things could have been different etc.,
etc. It also loves worrying about things that will most likely never
happen. In GentleBirth we say, “Do not feed the fears.” Most of what
we worry about never happens.

Mindfulness isn’t just a nice “to do” for yourself that makes you
feel relaxed. With practice, the physical structure of your brain can
change in as little as 8 weeks. Being mindful doesn’t mean stopping
your thoughts. It’s about noticing them, noticing how you react to
them, and then, in some cases, changing that reaction. Mindfulness
teachers often talk about the practice of mindfulness helping
you become more ‘awake’ in your life (being present and not on
autopilot) – trust me you’re about to be very ‘awake’ in your life
in the coming months…3am…4am...5am – using these tools won’t
make your baby sleep but they’ll help you adapt to the intensity of
emotions that come with these changes.

MEDITATION AND MINDFULNESS

Think of meditation as an umbrella term for different types of
mindfulness – just like ‘sports’ includes running, gymnastics and
swimming. Meditation is considered the ‘on cushion’ time (couch,
chair, bed…all are fine too) when you take the time out of your day
to literally sit and practice. Mindfulness is an approach to life where
you are learning how to pay more attention to what’s happening
right now throughout the day instead of letting autopilot and the
negativity bias run the show. There are multiple benefits physically
and psychologically for the practice of both and if you’re using
the GentleBirth App you’ll see I take a very gentle approach to the
sitting meditation as it’s such a new concept in today’s multitasking,

51
TRACY DONEGAN

instant gratification culture. If you have 5 minutes to spend watching

cute baby goats in pajamas on YouTube you have time to practice
5 minutes of mindfulness today. Seriously – just 5 minutes, and to
begin with we’re going to set the bar really low so you can’t fail
and if 5 minutes is a stretch try 1 minute instead. Let’s keep our
expectations low too while you get settled into a few minutes
practice each day.

Just start with noticing your breath – as you breathe in where do

you feel it? How about as you breathe out? Where do you notice the
exhalation? A few seconds into the meditation your brain is going
to be hijacked by a thought and then another and another and it
usually goes something like this.

Tracy: This is boring…kinda hungry…I’m always hungry these days,

have to start eating healthier, why did I eat that second brownie I’ll
never lose the pregnancy weight.

Tracy: Hmm chocolate brownies...or a nice salted caramel brownie…

with a cool glass of milk...man I’m thirsty.

Tracy: I think I read somewhere that always feeling thirsty is a sign

of diabetes? Maybe I have Gestational Diabetes…

Tracy: OMG if I have Gestational Diabetes I might need a cesarean.

Tracy: Sh*t I’m supposed to be noticing my breath. Better start again.

Tracy: I’m pathetic …it was only one minute and I failed already.
I’ll have a piece of chocolate after I finish as my reward. I heard
chocolate is a good source of iron and if I’m having a cesarean I’ll
need healthy iron levels.

52
 B R A IN

A MINDFUL FRAMEWORK FOR

PREGNANCY AND BEYOND
Meditation is so much more than just breathing. There are
specific ‘pillars’ or attitudes that can reduce the stress in your life
considerably. They are all interconnected, so it’s not a checklist of
mindful tasks but another layer of richness that you can allow to be
part of your pregnancy as you begin to pay more attention to your
thoughts and feelings in pregnancy. Depending on what you’ve got
going on in your pregnancy now you might find that you’re drawn
to one of these ‘attitudes’ and next week a different aspect may
resonate more with you.

Beginner’s Mind: This is what happens when you intentionally try

to look at things with fresh eyes and without the ‘story’. The ‘story’
is whatever running commentary is running through your mind all
day every day. When we’re on autopilot we miss the richness of our
experience. Beginner’s mind means to notice the world around us
with curiosity and openness, as if you’ve just arrived from Mars and
this is the first time you see, hear, feel, taste, or experience this or
your brand new baby experiencing life on the outside for the very
first time. In new experiences, it’s easier to have a beginner’s mind
like when you go to a new restaurant and you take in all of the
details and you really taste your food. When was the last time you
adopted the same curious attitude to your Saturday night take-out
or your commute to work? You’ll be surprised at how much you’re
missing when you’re lost in thought mentally battling your mother
in law.

NON-JUDGMENT -
DON’T BECOME THE JUDGY MOM
You see a mom in the supermarket loading up her shopping cart with
junk food and trying to wrangle her toddler who is having the mother
of all meltdowns. Within seconds you’ve mentally clocked that she
can’t control her kids or her eating habits all without so much as a

53
TRACY DONEGAN

hello. Sound familiar? Let’s get real - you already are a judgy mom,
no matter how much you like to think otherwise. We all judge, that’s
what the brain does. It is normal neurological functioning of that
amazing organ in your skull handed down from our ancestors when
it could mean life or death to make a split second judgment on
who might be friend or foe. So when someone tries to tell you how
non-judgmental they are it’s like saying I’m a ‘non-thinker or a non-
breather’. If you are alive and have normal brain functioning you’re
judgy. In a split second, we also automatically compare everything
in our experience throughout the day. I bet if you’ve ever tried to
meditate in the past the judgments were quick and harsh and might
have even left you feeling like you’re the worst meditator in the
world. We’re mentally liking or disliking everything around us from
the moment you first open your eyes. We judge everything as good
or bad, wanted or unwanted, beautiful or ugly. As humans we prefer
to have all the nice things in our lives, we want the sunny weather,
we want our boss to be in a good mood, we love it when the train is
on time. But when that winter storm comes through and you have
to scrape the ice off the windscreen or when your manager’s mood
sends you cubicle jumping to avoid bumping into them or when that
train is late AGAIN all bets are off. In an instant, we believe the world
has turned against us and is punishing us for less than wholesome
deeds from a past life.

DON’T SHOOT THE SECOND ARROW

When things aren’t going our way it’s not just the icy windscreen or
late train that stresses us out – it’s the story we tell ourselves about
that event that adds an extra layer of insult to injury. It’s known as
the ‘second arrow’. In the Buddhist teachings it’s said that any time
we experience something negative, two arrows fly towards us. The
first arrow is the actual event itself (the late train), which is annoying
in itself. The second arrow is how you respond to the first arrow i.e.
keeping that annoying feeling going and building on it until you’re
in a rage when the train arrives and fume all the way home. But you

54
 B R A IN

see the second arrow is always optional. You can choose to respond
differently.

Maybe that stream of thought goes something like this “I can’t

believe this… I’m going to be late and the whole team is going to be
annoyed. I should have checked the weather last night and gotten
up a bit earlier to defrost the windscreen. Why did Paul insist on
getting this car? I should have paid extra and gotten the one with
the instant clear. He should have researched this better, he doesn’t
research anything properly. I can’t even get him to come with me to
buy the stroller. Maria’s husband is so thoughtful and wants to be
so involved in all of the preparations. What kind of dad is Paul going
to be?” So you can see how one frosty windscreen has gone from a
minor inconvenience to re-evaluating your partner’s commitment to
you in about 60 seconds and quite possibly a frosty encounter with
your partner tonight.

What can you do?

The last thing I want you to do is to start judging your judging.

You’ll never stop your brain from comparing, so let’s work with it
instead. Notice your judging in an easy-going way; I say something
like ‘Hmmm, you have your judgy hat on right now, Tracy,’ so I’m able
to catch myself (most of the time) before I add on the unnecessary
stress of the story my mind is about to launch into about how the
world has done me wrong. Then I bring my attention back to whatever
I was doing at the time. Have a friendly, curious attitude to all of
these concepts and they will serve you well. Think of everything in
this book as an interesting experiment.

55
TRACY DONEGAN

ACCEPTANCE

“Pregnancy is a process that invites you to

surrender to the unseen force behind all life.”
–Judy Ford–

Another game-changer – if you want to really enjoy the next few

months and stress a whole lot less when your baby is here this is a
must do. These four words;

THIS TOO SHALL PASS – memorize them…tattoo them to your hand

if you need to. At 4am after months of not sleeping you may start to
have visions of your college age daughter impersonating a starfish
in your bed as you cling to the edge (of the bed and your sanity).

Say it with me – THIS TOO SHALL PASS (works for hemorrhoids,

cankles and breastfeeding challenges too).

It will be a skill you will hone as a new parent, so get a head start
today. This is an area that most parents say saved their sanity
the most in early parenting. The attitude of acceptance can truly
be a game-changer in those early weeks of little sleep and diving
hormones. Mindful acceptance doesn’t mean you become a doormat
and roll over when someone is rude to you or suffering physically
and mentally by not sleeping for the first 3 years of your child’s
life. Sometimes there’s confusion that acceptance is associated
with resignation. Noah Rasheta explains it well; “Acceptance is like
sitting in a field, looking up at the sky and watching the clouds go
by. There is no resistance to the moment to moment experience,
there is only observation and acceptance. It would be silly to watch
the clouds and be upset that they are not forming into the specific
shapes we want. And yet, that’s exactly what we do in life. I like to
compare the experience of being alive to the experience of playing

56
 B R A IN

a game of Tetris. If you’ve played Tetris, you know that the whole
point of the game is to wait and see what shape will appear next,
and then you have to work with it to position it in the best way
possible…in order to continue playing the game…isn’t that the very
game of life? Imagine for a minute that you’re watching someone
play Tetris…and every time a new shape appears, they go into a
tantrum and yell and scream at the game and say “THAT IS NOT THE
SHAPE I WAS EXPECTING”…” “THAT IS NOT THE SHAPE I WANTED”. HOW
SILLY WOULD THAT BE? But isn’t that exactly how we tend to play the
game of life? Acceptance is like playing a game and not resisting
the challenges of that game. Life is the same… Acceptance is being
open to the actual feelings we’re having in the moment to moment
experience of life and being willing to just feel that. Whatever it
is…anger, happiness, fear, jealousy, anxiety…We can learn to simply
BE with our experience or we can try to control the experience…
controlling it is the opposite of acceptance. Anytime we’re trying
to manipulate our inner experience, we’re doing the opposite of
accepting it. Think about someone playing Candy Crush and yelling
at the game… you’ll see how reactivity restricts our ability to accept.
Reactivity prevents us from being able to respond. Acceptance is a
form of responding instead of reacting. Resignation would be an
example of reacting while acceptance would be an example of how
we chose to respond. To build your capacity for acceptance, imagine
you are a non-judgmental observer or a witness to your thoughts
or emotions.

As I mentioned accepting reality can feel like surrendering, but

mindful acceptance is not passive, it’s active. Acceptance is an
intentional willingness to acknowledge reality as it is, which moves
us from experiencing emotional distress to choosing a different
intentional action. It’s not “I can’t believe this traffic is so slow! If
it doesn’t speed up soon I’m going to be late! This is awful and so
unfair!” (judgment and resisting reality) or even “This traffic is very
slow. I can’t change the traffic, nothing can be done. I guess I’ll just
get there late” (passive surrender), but instead, “This traffic is very

57
TRACY DONEGAN

slow. I may be late. Hmmm, I could take a different route, or call

to let them know. Maybe I will leave earlier next time.” Acceptance
of what is doesn’t mean we always have to like what’s happening
– we all have limits but when we can allow a situation with more
compassion and less judgment it might not change the situation
but it’ll definitely make it easier to tolerate. Remember this section
when it’s 4 am and you’re three days postpartum and your inner
narrator is giving you a million reasons why you shouldn’t breastfeed
or when your baby is six months old and not sleeping through the
night.

Let it Go: As I’m writing this I can hear the theme to Frozen (and I
bet you can, too – sorry about that). This attitude ties in with so
many others and is well worth the practice during your pregnancy.
Let go of the ‘shoulds’ and any unrealistic expectations you have
of yourself and of other people. There’s a famous saying “replace
expectation with appreciation” and you can’t go wrong. If you don’t
get the dishwasher unloaded today can you let that sh*t go and not
torture yourself? If you didn’t hear your baby crying while you were
in the shower for a whole 3 minutes can you not award yourself worst
mother in the world title? I can’t say this enough if you can adopt
a more chillaxed approach to your journey through parenthood
you’ll save yourself (and your family) a lot of unnecessary tears and
torture.

“Take control of your mind and meditate.

Let your soul gravitate to the love, ya’ll”
–Black Eyed Peas–

58
 B R A IN

Non-Striving:

You’re probably reading this book because you’re Type A and goal
oriented. Having goals isn’t a bad thing but, when we obsessively
chase goals that are elusive, we can run into big problems. You’re
very used to doing instead of being and you judge your achievements
or non-achievements with a very critical eye (I have that T-shirt too).
You might even find some of the meditation sessions in the App
make you a bit twitchy as your mind keeps reminding you of the
2 million other things you could be doing during that 10 minutes
of practice. No doubt one of your goals is to be the perfect mom,
to have a positive birth experience on the big day and you have
certain ideas of how you want that day to go. Then add your internal
pressure of what you ‘should do’ now add the competitive pressures
of modern day living – your home ‘should’ be tidy, you ‘should’ be
able to work full time and raise the perfect family while keeping
up your Insta posts of your picture perfect life. The mind is always
traveling… reaching or striving to change the present moment
instead of paying attention to what’s happening at this moment and
dropping the shoulds. The ‘shoulds’ are enemy #1 of motherhood
and as you’ll see ‘shoulding’ and ‘judging’ tend to hang out together
quite a bit. So try a little less to be the perfect mom and be more
present today – a good enough mom is good enough.

Patience: An understanding and acceptance that sometimes things

must unfold in their own time and trying to make it change only
makes you more stressed. We live in an instant gratification society
and we expect quick solutions to everything. Parenting requires
unlimited patience – with yourself and your partner as you adjust to
these intense changes. Everyone wants their baby to sleep through
the night….but it has to happen at your baby’s pace – not the baby
book’s pace. Many women want to get back to ‘normal’ after having
a baby but this is a new normal and although things may seem
intense now they are changing every day.

59
TRACY DONEGAN

Give yourself the time to practice, and give yourself the grace to be
aware of every emotion you experience as a new parent, whether
they are feelings of joy and gratitude or feelings of impatience and
frustration.

Trust: Trusting in your intuition (gut feeling).

You’ll hear lots of people telling you to trust your gut when it comes
to pregnancy and parenting. It sounds very wise but the problem is
most of us haven’t had a conversation with our gut in a very long
time so how can we trust it especially when those voices in our head
are running the show and jumping to all the wrong conclusions. We
need to be able to tell the difference between our intuition and a
fear response (a fear response makes it very difficult to make any
kind of rational decision). Because we’re so in our heads all of the
time it can be difficult to hear any of the other sources of knowledge
that our body is trying to share with us but as you practice more and
more getting out of your head and into your body you’ll have more
opportunities to connect with a quieter place where you can learn
to hear what your instincts are telling you.

Gratitude

It’s just good manners to say thank you and you’ll spend a lot of
time trying to get your toddler to say it. When you take a minute to
check in with all the good stuff going on in your life it makes stress
take a back seat.

I know for me when it’s 7:30am on a Monday morning and I’m getting
the boys in the car to get to school being grateful is so easy when
the sun is shining and the traffic is light…but it’s a bit harder when
you’re late, it’s pouring rain and the traffic is at a standstill. You can’t
feel appreciation and stress at the same time. Don’t believe me?
Just try it. An attitude of gratitude is like an off switch for whatever
greatest hits of stressful thoughts you’re currently playing.

60
 B R A IN

BIRTH STORY
This day 6 years ago, my 2nd GentleBirth baby was born. I remember
it like it was yesterday. I had a late appointment with the midwives
clinic in Holles St and had a feeling I was going to be having a baby
that night. I must have been convincing because the midwife said,
go up and get checked, mum is usually right. My first labor was only
6 hours long and we lived an hour from the hospital at the time,
so she said she’d like me to get checked rather than go home as
chances are it’d be quicker this time. I went up, they checked me
and said my cervix was high and unfavorable and that I’d most likely
be back in for an appointment the following week.

Off I went home to put my 20 month old to bed and to get myself
organized for hospital as I just KNEW something was going on. I had
a bath in clary sage oil, felt uncomfortable so got out and had a
shower and put my PJs on. I told himself to make sure to have his
bag packed and to go to the shop for sweets as he was caught short
last time. I was blow drying my hair when suddenly my waters went
and I was like, well I guess I should go in now. I went downstairs to
tell my parents what was going on and they waved me off and I was
putting one leg into the car to sit down when suddenly a MASSIVE
burst of waters came out and I could feel the urge to push. GAAAAH!
There were noises coming from me that I never knew I could make
and I went back inside and went on all fours. Hubby had called an
ambulance.

I was so quiet then, just willing the baby not to come as I chased
everyone out of the room and cursed myself for not vacuuming
the floor, thinking he was going to be born onto crumbs and fluff. I
remember clearly watching the weather forecast after the 9 o’clock
news. The ambulance came within minutes and they looked briefly
down my PJs and said “nah you’re grand but come on in, we’ll bring
you”. They made me lie down on the stretcher inside the ambulance
and I just breathed and breathed. I could see my belly going nuts
but wasn’t really in pain - my TENS was on by this point. We made

61
TRACY DONEGAN

it to O’Connell Bridge and they stopped and told me they could see
the head crowning so I could push and I said no, sure the hospital
is just over there, let’s just go. Off we went again and they were
waiting for me there, key to the lift in hand and I was brought up to
delivery room. They lifted me from the stretcher to the bed and the
midwife said, ok, let’s see how far along you are and she looked and
laughed and said ok, you can push. So I finally felt OK to push and
in one push he slid out, 8lbs exactly. My boy. He was born at 5mins
to 10. I’d been on the floor watching the weather forecast at 9.30! My
gorgeous George.

I panicked when I felt the urge to push in the driveway just after
my waters broke the second time, but after that I totally went into
a zone where I was absolutely working with him to stay safe and
calm. We were the perfect team and I can honestly say it was one
of the best experiences of my life, along with my first and my third
delivery. So thank you Tracy for giving me such an amazing gift, one
I can cherish for as long as I live. GentleBirth has given me so much
and I’m so envious of anyone who has yet to go through labor as my
baby is now 4 and our family is complete.

Aine

HOW MORGAN FREEMAN MADE

ME A BETTER MOM
We all have that internal ‘narrator’ in our heads (some people call
it their evil twin). It’s like an ongoing newscast that’s usually kinda
critical and judges everything you do every minute of your waking
day. Part of it is just how our brains work but a larger part of this
ongoing unhelpful commentary is a habit of thought. We tend to
hear this mean newscaster loudest when we hit our teens and, after
a while, we don’t notice it as much but if you pay attention you can
start to hear it again. These narrators show up in pregnancy quite
vocally too and if you don’t fire them they’ll hang around to derail
your intentions for being the best mom you can be.

62
 B R A IN

For most of us, our narrators sound like Alan Rickman or some other
villainous, catty character. I had a chorus of Alan Rickman (Severus
Snape) Jack Nicholson (“you can’t handle the truth”), and other
less than gentle commentators after I had Jack. I never realized
that Morgan Freeman was sitting in the wings just waiting for an
invitation to step forward onto the stage of my mind and change
my entire outlook on breastfeeding, mothering and the world in
general. I had to learn not to fight that annoying narrator but just to
notice my evil twin’s commentary and say to myself “there she goes
again (evil twin again) – she’s on a roll today”.

One of the biggest challenges for a new breastfeeding mom is the

way you think about breastfeeding (those commentators have strong
opinions about how things SHOULD be done). The way you think
about breastfeeding has been heavily influenced by how others
think about it… those who have breastfed and those who haven’t.
Thinking in itself isn’t the problem. Believing everything you think IS!
We get so caught up in the thoughts and expectations about being a
mom, but you are not your thoughts or feelings… you can learn how
to step back and, like a camera lens, pan out to see what’s really
going on, watch the thoughts and choose a different response. You
also get to choose a more gentle, compassionate narrator to help
you along the way.

Before you became a mom your expectations about breastfeeding

probably went something like this “your partner arrives in from work
as you’re snuggling by the fire with your calm and quiet newborn as
she drinks in that liquid gold….her body gets heavier in your arms
as she drifts off into peaceful slumber full and content…….you place
her gently into her bassinet and you settle in for some quiet time
with your partner and catch up on the day, satisfied after a fulfilling
nourishing day of blissful mothering”. Lovely thoughts indeed but
not reality for most of us. More like your partner arrives in from
work to an exhausted, teary mom and crying baby…angry exchanges

63
TRACY DONEGAN

begin starting with “you’re late!” Your bewildered partner asks – “Is
there any dinner?” …we all know how that story ends.

For many, this is the reality of those intense few weeks adjusting
to your new arrival. The reality is that for most moms it is HARD.
So those ideas of what breastfeeding SHOULD be like need to be
retired (your evil twin loves ‘shoulding’ it in your face). Arguing with
reality won’t change it and thinking it ‘should’ be a different way
will only make you more unhappy…. you’ll waste so much time and
energy continuing to struggle with reality … desperately trying to
wrestle ‘reality’ to the ground and make it into something else but
that’s not happening.

This is the third night in a row you’ve been up with an unsettled

baby and you are exhausted. Your train of thought is probably
something like “not AGAIN……what am I doing wrong? I’m so tired. Is
it my milk? Maybe she’s not getting enough? What if she’s starving?
Why is this so hard? Everyone else’s babies seem to be sleeping.
Why can’t she just sleep?? I’m just not able to do this. I’m getting
the bottles tomorrow and Paul can get up and feed him. I don’t get
a break all day and he gets to sleep. I just want her to sleep. I hate
my life.” And this all happens in the space of about 2 seconds. You’ll
notice that your evil twin is quite judgmental…critical and not very
gentle. Notice how your train of negative thoughts is now picking up
speed…(thanks to those nasty narrators). When we fall into the habit
of responding to a stressful situation on autopilot it’s like you’ve
fallen asleep on the train (of thought). You wake up and realize
you’ve gone way past your stop and it’s taking you miles and miles
away from where you should be. You get to decide if you’ll stay on
the train taking you further away from your intended destination (to
be the best mom you can be) or get off at the next stop and head
back so you can take some mindful action if necessary to help solve
your sleep/ breastfeeding challenges.

Along with the self-critical judgmental thoughts, you’re also probably

experiencing the unsettling emotions of frustration, anger, sadness

64
 B R A IN

maybe even inadequacy. You feel short-changed…hard done by. This

is NOT what you thought you were signing up for!

Physically your heart rate is increasing, you may have a knot in your
stomach…your breathing has quickened. Your body is tightly wound.

Your thoughts about what’s happening have become a runaway

train picking up speed and heading for disaster, they’ve triggered a
cascade of emotional responses and kicked off the stress response.
You feel overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally and physically and
there’s just no room to think rationally and take mindful action and
you’re far from connected to your baby on this runaway train.

Mindfulness can’t help you change the situation but it can help you
become more gentle (with yourself and your baby) when things are
happening that are out of your control. You can meet the challenges
without immediately reacting to them. With practice, it gives you a
stable base to act from so you can be the mom you intended to be.
It doesn’t make the thoughts/feelings go away, but it changes how
you relate to those thoughts and feelings…nothing is good or bad…
it just is. Mindfulness is usually defined as a moment-to-moment
non-judgmental awareness of the present moment and meeting it
with gentleness and compassion and meeting things the way they
are. It doesn’t mean you have to like what’s happening (especially
at 3 am).

When you become a mother so much unnecessary pain is caused

by the idea that things ‘should’ be a certain way (according to the
experts…the books….your past experiences and expectations). The
idea that things aren’t as they ‘should’ is a pathway to ongoing
unnecessary pain and suffering. “It ‘should’ be different and until
it’s different I can’t be happy”. Breastfeeding ‘should’ be easier than
this…millions of women breastfeed every day I ‘should’ be able to
do this. The reality is that right now it’s not easy for you, you’re
having problems getting baby to latch etc…and you need to decide
what to do next. How can you meet this experience as it is and find a

65
TRACY DONEGAN

solution from a calmer, gentler place? That’s where Morgan Freeman

can help.

In similar circumstances when you feel upset in some way notice

that train of thought...the ‘shoulds’…and the ever-present judging
self-critical mind...take a few breaths…pay attention to how those
thoughts show up in your body…and let’s go through an experience
together approaching it like you would your best friend.

MINDFULNESS OF THOUGHTS,
EMOTIONS, AND SENSATIONS
What’s Happening Right Now: The baby won’t sleep and now he’s
not latching.

Thoughts & Emotions: “I’m so exhausted. I’m angry with my son and
I feel guilty for being annoyed with him – he’s only a baby. This
shouldn’t be so hard…breastfeeding is ‘supposed’ to be natural. I’m
angry that I’m finding this so hard. Nobody tells you how hard it
is. It’s so frustrating that he just won’t do what he’s ‘supposed’ to
do. I really wanted to breastfeed but I can’t keep going like this. I’m
getting bottles tomorrow and Paul can do some feeds so I can sleep.
I can’t believe I’m such a failure at breastfeeding, how come my
sister found it so easy?”

Body: My body is tense, my face feels red, and my breathing is really

fast.

What’s the real problem with this scenario?

You are tired.

Your baby is hungry.

It’s the middle of the night and she won’t latch properly.

This is all that’s happening right now.

66
 B R A IN

Are you liking what’s happening? Nope!

But the latch can nearly always be fixed…babies do eventually sleep

more. These are temporary problems. The problem isn’t that you’re
tired (yes, it definitely sucks and nobody enjoys being exhausted.)
or that your baby isn’t latching properly. The problem is the way
you’re thinking about it. It’s a train of thought but you get to decide
if you’ll stay on that train.

If you were talking to your best friend in this situation what would
you say to her? Maybe something like this (in your best Morgan
Freeman voice):

“Take a deep breath. You’re ok. It can be really stressful when they
won’t latch on right away. This is a really intense time in your life
and you’re exhausted. This is how your daughter communicates
with you. It can be so hard in the beginning but you’re doing great.
Why don’t you call a breastfeeding counselor in the morning and
get some help?” Talking to yourself gently and mindfully like your
best friend would talk to you (or Morgan Freeman) takes practice.
You have to catch yourself being critical…often we don’t even notice
we’re doing it because this running commentary has been going on
for so long, but if you pay attention you’ll feel it in your gut.

In pregnancy and parenting, so many things feel out of control. Your

body is doing strange things. Your hormones are making you weepy.
Your baby is doing what newborns do (not sleeping). Pregnancy is
a great time to start practicing mindfulness so you get the hang of
this skill long before your baby arrives. You’re learning that, instead
of trying to control the uncontrollable (wrestling with reality), it’s
so much easier to learn how to think about these uncontrollables
differently. You can’t always change your outer world but you can
always change your inner world.

Your MF – Mindfulness (Morgan Freeman) practice can help you

increase your tolerance for stressful moments with your baby,

67
TRACY DONEGAN

partner and the world in general and approach mothering from a

more compassionate, gentle place.

The next time you find the Negative Nellies (Alan Rickman et al)
going for the jugular:

• Take a few deep breaths…just focus on your breathing

especially the pause between breaths.
• Notice what thoughts you’re having i.e. “I don’t have
enough milk.”
• Notice the feelings you’re experiencing: Frustration,
sadness, anger, irritation, fear, and guilt.
• Notice the body sensations that accompany these
thoughts/feelings: tightness, knots, racing heart.

When you focus on your breathing for a few moments that train of
thought keeps going but it doesn’t pick up speed, it loses momentum.
You can watch the train and those thoughts pass by – as a bystander
or as if you’re the countryside the train is traveling through. You
don’t have to get on the train…you can let it pass you by. These are
just thoughts…they are not facts. They are not you, they are just
mental events happening in your brain.

Of course, my evil twin still shows up every now and then and
derails my train of thought toward an unexpected destination, (I’m
only human)…but if I take a few moments to focus on my breathing
and notice my thoughts and sensations Morgan Freeman isn’t too
far behind (I bet you can hear his voice right now too).

Exercise:

Sit quietly for a moment or two and think of some automatic

negative thoughts you have about yourself i.e. I’m a crap driver, I’m
no good at

68
 B R A IN

Allow yourself to really focus on the experience of having that

thought…. let it come up fully in your experience…notice how you
feel physically and emotionally for about 20 seconds.

Now add these words or similar right before that automatic

negative thought “I’m having the thought that I’m no good
at .” Try it for another 20 seconds.

Now add “That’s interesting I’m having the thought (insert automatic
negative thought)” for another few seconds.

Over the next few days try to notice these ‘ANTS’ and try this strategy
again by saying to yourself ‘that’s interesting, I’m having the thought
that I won’t be able to breastfeed.’

Once you do this you are turning on activity in one part of your
brain that begins to soothe the emotional part of your brain that
is churning out these negative thoughts and feelings. You begin to
become distanced from the thought and emotion and it’s all a lot
less personal.

WORRIED ABOUT PREGNANCY

WEIGHT GAIN? EAT MINDFULLY
Food – it’s on your mind from dawn ‘til dusk. In pregnancy you’re
very conscious of what you eat. However most of us don’t pay much
attention to how we eat. If you’re like most busy women you probably
inhale your food on the go and half the time don’t even remember
really tasting it never mind savoring it. But remember the last time
you were at a fancy (expensive) restaurant? I bet you tasted every
morsel of that meal and savored every bite.

Mindful eating means you pay attention to your food, you breathe
in the aromas and notice the flavors and textures. You’ll become
more aware of hunger and satiety cues, and start to understand how
emotions such as stress can teleport you to that refrigerator door
before you’ve even had a chance to ask yourself the question – “Am

69
TRACY DONEGAN

I hungry – or am I bored, stressed etc.” It means you start to slow

down, sit down and savor your food, bite by bite. Pregnancy can be
stressful for some women – especially if you’re juggling a family
and career. And we’re more likely to overeat when we’re stressed
(ice cream anyone?). Stress is a trigger for many women to overeat
because it signals the body to produce cortisol, a hormone that
both increases high calorie food craving and fat retention.

Despite what you’ve heard pregnancy is not a time to eat for two
(sleep for two is great advice). Pregnancy is not a time for crash
diets. Excessive weight gain in pregnancy can bring with it potential
complications for you and your baby. Mindful eating helps you to eat
healthier, reduce stress and improve the health of your unborn baby
– and without any feelings of deprivation. Elissa Epel, a researcher
who studies stress and eating, ran a study (MAMA) which trained
chronically stressed, pregnant women with high BMIs in the skills of
mindful eating.

WHAT DID THE MOMS SAY?

They learned how to appreciate the taste and texture of food.

They could identify true hunger cues rather than eating out of stress
or boredom.

They paid more attention to the sensation of being full so they ate
less.

Mindful breathing exercises helped moms handle stress better.

They had lower weight gain in pregnancy.

BENEFITS FOR BABIES TOO

The research also suggested that the babies born to the mothers
who went through the MAMAS program had healthier birth weights.
Better birth weights translate into long-term health benefits too.

70
 B R A IN

Unless you’re eating while reading all this talk of food means your
mind is probably heading toward the kitchen right now. But before
you reach into the fridge - check in with yourself...are you truly
hungry? I’ve had two kids I know better than to stand between a
pregnant person and their fridge – it never ends well. Put a moment’s
pause between you and the fridge and just for a second think about
what brought you there – stress or Snickers?

BIRTH STORY
Get Your Mojo Back
Myself and my partner, Frank, took part in Niamh’s GentleBirth class
in July in preparation for our daughter’s birth in September. The
majority of my pregnancy was filled with the usual horror stories
and I want to share my (quite long!) story with you because it’s the
exact opposite, which is very rare to hear these days.

My guess date was 8th of September and although I believed she

would come to meet us early, she didn’t! I went for a routine checkup
and I requested a sweep, something I was previously strongly
against based on my research but my impatience was really getting
the better of me.

Thursday 14th about 9 pm I started feeling the slightest surges. They

were timing in at 1 minute long and 9 minutes apart. Because they
were so bearable and focused in my lower back, I didn’t want to
believe it was finally the real deal. I had gotten my hopes up so many
times and ended up disappointed. They were gradually getting closer
together so I decided to get some sleep. I woke up at 5 am to no
surges. I woke Frank up, had a good cry and went back to sleep. I was
heartbroken. I woke up again about 9 am and my surges were there!
7 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute-this was definitely it! I stayed
in bed with Frank, relaxing and breathing calmly with my hot water
bottle. Time passed, contractions were getting closer together and

71
TRACY DONEGAN

stronger, but I was still so surprised at how bearable they were. At 2:45
pm my contractions were 5 minutes apart, 1 minute long and then
my waters broke. They were colored with meconium so I immediately
panicked, all the stories I had read about colored waters ended in a
cesarean, and I had longed for a natural, drug-free birth my entire
pregnancy. Tears filled my eyes, I lost my breathing mojo and intense
pain flooded my body. Frank calmed me, reassured me, and I got my
mojo back. Off we went to the hospital, eeeeek!

Arrived at the hospital about 3:30 pm and I was assessed as 2cm. I

was hoping I’d be further along but whatever, it was what it was. I
was admitted straight to the delivery suite at 4:15 pm. I was being
constantly monitored, something I had not wanted, but because of
the colored waters, it was necessary. As things progressed and got
more intense, I decided to try Gas & Air. This totally didn’t agree with
me and I passed out. When I came around, I felt the strongest urge to
push. The midwife checked me out and I was 10cm already and ready
to go!! After 36 minutes of pushing, our daughter Millie was born at
17:54 pm weighing in at 7 lbs 15. The ecstasy just filled my body. I felt
strong, empowered and unbelievably proud. Frank held me as I held
our daughter and it was the most amazing moment of my life.

I had noted in my birth preferences that I wouldn’t want an episiotomy

unless it was completely necessary for the baby, I’m so thankful I
did and they didn’t carry one out. We were able to do delayed cord
clamping, something which I was unsure about because we were
unsure of how Millie would be when she was born, because of the
meconium, but it was all fine!

She was placed on my chest for skin-to-skin, and she latched and
fed straight away. Frank then took her and did skin-to-skin too, it
was amazing!

Although I would’ve liked a natural 3rd stage, it ended up being

managed with Syntocinon but it didn’t have any negative effect
on my overall experience! My total labor time from 2cm to Millie

72
 B R A IN

being here was just 2 hours 16 minutes and because I didn’t have an
epidural I could get up and shower, which was brilliant and exactly
what I needed!

Throughout my pregnancy, I was stopped by complete strangers

telling me how awful it was going to be and everyone I spoke to
seemed to know someone who had the worst possible time. If I
wasn’t so excited and positive about giving birth, it would have really
gotten me down. Nobody seems eager to tell their positive birth
stories and I wasn’t going to post this. It’s almost judged as bragging
but it’s not bragging, it’s empowering each other and letting each
other know “Hey, you’ve got this!” It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t pain-
free, it was difficult and tough even though it was so short. But it
was also easily the most amazing and incredible experience of my
life, I wouldn’t change anything about it.

I would never have had the experience I had if I didn’t attend

Niamh’s class and if I didn’t have the overwhelming support that
Frank gave me for my entire pregnancy and birthing experience. This
is what made it so perfect.

“The instant of birth is exquisite. Pain and joy are

one at this moment. Ever after, the dim recollection
is so sweet that we speak to our children with a
gratitude they never understand.”
–Madeline Tiger–

73
TRACY DONEGAN

HEALTH BEGINS BEFORE BIRTH

“How the mother holds the baby in her mind before

birth affects the baby’s future development”
–Dr. Catherine Monk–

Did you know your baby can hear, taste, experience, and even learn
before he’s born? But before you start playing French tapes to your
bump, at this point the only thing your baby needs to know is how
much he is loved. There have been significant advances in the study
of how our babies are affected by our emotional state before birth.
In an interesting piece of research several years ago, Dr. Michael
Lieberman demonstrated that an unborn baby experiences stress
(measured by his heart rate) each time his mother thinks of having
a cigarette. Just the idea of having a cigarette is enough to upset
the baby. Of course, the baby has no way of knowing his mother is
smoking or thinking about it but his brain is sophisticated enough
to associate the experience of her smoking with the unpleasant
sensation it produces in him. Nurses and midwives often comment
on how a baby’s heart rate increases the more distressed a mom is
in labor.

As this new science is only starting to hit the mainstream newsfeeds

and out of context it can be a little (actually a lot) worrisome. New
research suggests even moving house in the first trimester is
associated with preterm and lower birth weight babies. Of course
moving house isn’t always something we can put off but having
some strategies to manage the associated stress is very helpful.
Fetal programming theorizes that environmental conditions during
your baby’s time before he’s born increases or decreases his
risk of health issues later in life such as obesity, Type 2 diabetes,
autoimmune conditions and mental health issues such as ADHD.

74
 B R A IN

What do I mean when I say environmental conditions? As your baby

is floating blissfully in that warm pool of amniotic fluid his long-
term health is influenced by factors such as your diet, chemicals
you are exposed to (nothing new here) and stress (yikes!). It can
even change how certain genes are switched on or off in your
baby influencing not just your baby’s health, but potentially your
grandchildren’s health too as these gene changes are handed down
to future generations…. take a moment to let that sink in…then take
a deep breath and read on.

STRESS IN PREGNANCY
By focusing on the things that make us happy in pregnancy we’re
allowing less room for stress. Think of ways you can crowd out
stressful thoughts in pregnancy (this doesn’t mean a daily visit to
the Krispy Kreme drive thru).

In reality, some stress is actually good for you and your baby. It’s
necessary for growth and health. But ongoing chronic stress is
a different matter and here’s why. Your baby’s brain develops
according to the environment it’s in - the signals it receives from
your chemical messages (hormones). For 9 months your baby’s brain
is bathed in hormones dictated by your emotional state…. When you
are feeling stressed those chemical messengers teach your baby’s
brain to grow differently. When your baby is continually bathed in
stress hormones your baby’s brain thinks “wow the outside world
seems like a scary place – I need to prepare for survival and ensure
the parts of my brain that will help me do that are on alert to protect
myself from that scary place”.

To keep it simple, the areas of the brain associated with survival

grow larger and the areas of the brain associated with learning,
language, and emotional regulation lose out as the blood flow is
redirected to the ‘survival’ brain. As a society, I believe we need
more babies born with brains that are built for WOW and wonder
instead of worry and war. But before you go beating yourself up

75
TRACY DONEGAN

for taking the bait and arguing with the barista in Starbucks and
accusing scientists of heaping on the mommy guilt here’s the good
news. We can’t avoid all stress - as much as I would love to wrap
you up in cotton wool and take you to a tropical island for 9 months
that’s not the answer. In fact, that could be incredibly stressful
for someone who hates beach vacations (it’s all about perceived
stress). So, if we can’t eliminate stress, are we then doomed to grow
babies with less than optimal physical and mental health? Not at
all – babies are incredibly resilient. In this emerging field of fetal
programming, we’re also learning how sensitive, responsive care of
your baby AFTER birth can limit the effects of stress on your baby’s
brain. So YOU have to look after your own emotional health first to
be that stress buffer for your newborn baby. (And don’t worry you’ll
have plenty of opportunities to mess up your child over the next 18
years ;) every parent feels that way some of the time).

What I want you to take away from this book is learning how to
change your response to that judgmental barista in Starbucks,
your mother-in-law’s stinging comments about your weight gain
in pregnancy or how your newborn baby is sleeping (or not).
Think of those events as an opportunity to practice skills to help
you let those comments slip right off you like water off a duck’s
back. Now you know that whenever humanly possible your baby’s
brain can be marinating in the healthy hormones of oxytocin (love)
and endorphins (happiness) and a lot less cortisol. The physical
experience of stress and excitement are actually quite similar and
you reframe the experience of stress in seconds and enjoy the
challenge-response instead. You and only you have the ability to
change how you respond to the stressors in your life – don’t make
stress another stick to beat yourself up with (as new moms, you’ll
have plenty of those) but rather allow the physical sensations of
stress be your cue to refocus and redirect your attention and send
some happy hormones to your baby.

76
 B R A IN

*Research alert* - a recent study suggests that as little as 14 days of

a 10-minute mindful acceptance practice is associated with a 50%
reduction in stress hormone levels. Start today and you and your
baby benefit immediately.

MAKING STRESS WORK FOR YOU

Stress can be perceived as a negative or a positive. Tiger Woods
said, ‘The challenge is hitting good golf shots when you have to…to
do it when the nerves are fluttering, the heart pounding…the palms
sweating…that’s the thrill”. It’s not the amount of stress that’s the
problem it’s how you interpret it. Shifting a stressful situation into a
challenge response is known as cognitive restructuring or reframing.
Take a few moments and think of a situation in your daily life that
makes you feel anxious. Now describe this situation by

finishing the following sentence – “I hate the feeling of ”

fill in the missing words….for me I’ll say “I hate the feeling of…racing
around getting the kids ready for school on a Monday” or “I hate the
pressure of taking an exam when I haven’t prepared for it.” Now, let’s
think about this situation again; this time, however, I want you to
restructure it in your head so you think about it differently….

“I love the challenge of getting the kids out the door on time on a
Monday no matter how tired they are.”

Try this and see how it changes your perception of stressful

situations.

You are already an expert on visualization! If you worry (like most

parents), then you have been practicing negative visualization for a
long time and you’re probably quite good at it. Constantly worrying
about things going wrong during birth doubles the negative impact
it has on you. If the dreaded event does actually happen, then you’ve
suffered all those times you were worrying about it as well as at the
actual event itself. And, if the worst doesn’t happen (which is nearly

77
TRACY DONEGAN

always the case) and you haven’t been worrying about it, then you
haven’t suffered at all.

BONDING WITH YOUR BABY BEFORE BIRTH

Many moms do not start to bond with their baby until almost
mid-pregnancy, around that exciting time when your baby’s first
movements are felt. But from the moment you get that BFP you
can begin connecting with your baby. Fascinating research shows
that you start reacting to your baby’s movements (your heart rate
increases) before you are even consciously aware of those exciting
movements. Much earlier than 20 weeks! Brain activity starts around
six weeks of pregnancy, right around the time when you find out
the good news. Focus on sending loving, positive messages to your
baby. Of course, in this fast-paced world, it’s impossible to avoid
the majority of stresses in our lives, but we can learn to cope with
them in healthier ways. One way is to take “baby bonding breaks”
with your baby where you mindfully connect during the day (Cocoon
of Calm is a beautiful short meditation for expectant moms in the
App).

I’m not suggesting you have to force yourself to think happy

thoughts all day but you can make sure you take the time to relax
and use your imagination to send positive messages to your baby
and choose better-feeling thoughts, for you and your baby.

Being aware of your unborn baby’s consciousness and awareness can

make the birth planning process easier. There’s growing awareness
that every choice made has potential positive or negative effects on
your baby, making the right decision gets a whole lot easier. Now is
the time you most affect your baby’s future.

Think way into the future, to when your child is older… maybe
starting or finishing college.

78
 B R A IN

Now is the time to think about what gifts (the ones money can’t buy)
you want to give your unborn baby, and start doing the important
work to ensure they have them later.

“I wouldn’t say I didn’t feel any pain during my labor; the

sensations were uncomfortable and unpleasant, and intense.
But they weren’t unbearable or unmanageable, or agonizing
and, after breathing through each contraction, there was a
lovely break before the next one came along.” – GentleBirth Mom

HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB

So many of the stressors (and joys) in our lives are created internally
and even more so in pregnancy. Without much effort, you can come
up with a list of at least a few people in your life who have done
you wrong … the boyfriend who cheated on you as a teenager … the
woman in the supermarket yesterday who cut in line … you get the
picture. Those people have gone on with their lives and yet you’re
still stressing every time you think about them. When you think
about these people, the emotions aren’t pleasant and neither is
your body’s reaction to those thoughts. This exercise can help you
build the ‘muscle of compassion’. It doesn’t happen overnight but it
is well worth the practice and can change the emotional circuitry in
the brain in only a few weeks. It’s the equivalent of sending yourself
and others a virtual hug (even those you don’t particularly like). It’s
often referred to as a “Loving Kindness Meditation.”

Of course, sending a virtual hug to someone whom you wish bodily

harm to is a massive leap … so we’ll start with something easy and
build on that.

Spend a few moments focusing on your breathing and getting

settled.

79
TRACY DONEGAN

Imagine sending loving thoughts (virtual hugs) to yourself using a

simple mantra, such as, “May I be happy, may I be free from fear.”

Now think of someone you are very fond of and send them the same
intention: “May you be happy and healthy.” It’s easy to send loving
intentions to those we appreciate.

For another moment or two, think of sending those same

compassionate intentions toward a stranger: “May you be happy
and healthy.”

Finally, bring up that ‘frenemy’… an old boyfriend, etc., someone

who left you feeling salty and send them the same intention of
happiness and health. This can be challenging the first few times …
those old habits of thought are still active … your mind immediately
wants to bring up that time when, etc., etc. … it wants to activate
those feelings of upset. Stay with it and send those intentions and
wishes for wellbeing.

Even doing this exercise for 7 minutes has been shown to positively
impact your emotional state.

A helpful strategy I like to use when someone is really getting under

my skin is to find something in common with that annoying neighbor
or judgy mother-in-law. It’s easier to dislike people who aren’t like
us but if you can find something…anything in common with them
the desire to smack them eases a little which of course turns down
your stress response.

Try this example or come up with one that makes sense for you.

I travel quite a bit so this is one I get to practice quite a bit. There’s
a long line at the airport and you’re late for your flight. The traveler
in front of you is trying to go through the security checkpoint
with various containers of liquids way above the rules and hasn’t
unpacked his laptop yet… standing there with a half mile gap

80
 B R A IN

between him and the next person (is your blood pressure rising
yet?).

Remember when we perceive somebody as being similar to

ourselves (“just like me”), we become much more likely to feel and
act positively toward that person. You might mumble some choice
words to yourself in that airport/ supermarket line before you settle
into this exercise – we’re not aiming for perfection – just a starting
point to shorten your response of anger and lengthen your fuse a
little.

“Just like me this person has experienced long annoying lines in

airports.”

“Just like me this person just wants to get home to his family”

“Just like me this person has had crappy days when nothing seems
to go right.”

These exercises are a lot harder to do when you’re tired or hungry

so gentleness with yourself is the key. Don’t expect miracles. Keep
the bar low. They all take practice but the more you do it the more
your mental habits of automatically hating on the slow driver in
front of you will change. You might still have the initial eye roll and
sigh but the ongoing rage can be shortened. When other parents
make comments about your birth preferences, your newborn baby’s
sleep habits, reading skills or your feeding choices this little practice
comes in very handy.

STOP TECHNIQUE
Imagine you’re late for work. As you speed down the freeway, someone
cuts you off in traffic. Your stress levels increase significantly, your
heart races, you shake as you honk the horn, and maybe you even
speed up to shout at them or tailgate to “teach them a lesson.” In
that moment of anger, you’ve literally lost your mind. The logical,
rational part of your brain has been hijacked by your perception

81
TRACY DONEGAN

of what just happened. An inner conversation is played over and

over again as you continue your drive to work about how the other
driver is irresponsible, selfish, dangerous, and shouldn’t have a
license, along with several expletives. You arrive at work angry and
very stressed - your body and brain are on high alert, as you have
mentally replayed a 2-second event for the last 15 minutes of your
commute to work. Your boss makes a comment that you’re late and
you explode. Not a great start to the week.

Let’s try it another way.

Imagine you’re late for work. As you speed down the freeway, someone
cuts you off in traffic. Your stress levels increase significantly, your
heart races, you shake as you honk the horn, and maybe even speed
up to shout at them or tailgate to “teach them a lesson.”

Then you use the STOP Technique:

Stop the reaction.

Take a few breaths.

Observe the way you’re feeling.

Pull back…….

Pull back - what’s the bigger picture here? Take the helicopter view.
Is there another way of looking at what just happened? Perhaps the
other driver just got the bad news that his grandmother is in the
hospital or his wife has just gone into labor with their twin baby
girls and she’s only at 30 weeks. Maybe he simply made an error of
judgment - haven’t we all made mistakes? Maybe he’s just a crappy
driver!

82
 B R A IN

When you use this technique, you’re no longer held hostage by

your initial reaction to that driver … or something your mother-in-
law said or a colleague at work. You’ve learned how to change that
reaction quickly. You are able to choose a new perspective; you’ve
“reframed” that experience and your brain has, in turn, reduced that
stress reaction and you arrive at work a lot less stressed and are
able to have a rational discussion with your boss about why you
were late. What a very different start to the day.

When you start to notice your thoughts and feelings, you can
decide which ones really deserve your attention and which ones
are going to get you wound up. The more you exercise that muscle
of attention, the more you are physically growing certain areas of
your brain - particularly the area associated with rational decision
making. So you can make decisions about pregnancy, birth, and
parenting based on facts rather than stress or fear.

As you’ll see in the GentleBirth community there is an intentionally

upbeat positive attitude – we always assume best-case scenario
rather than worst.

SCIENCE ALERT: According to Hebb’s law, when the same cells

are activated in the same pattern repeatedly, they form a brain
circuit - a network in the brain. But Hebb’s law only works
when special glue is used (the quantum Zeno effect) to hold
the cells in place long enough so they “stick.” The “glue” that
builds your new and improved brain is created by focus and
attention. Imagine you have a tiny electrician in your brain
who follows your instructions, based on what you’re focused
on. This tiny electrician is rewiring and re-sculpting your brain
every day and she spends extra time using this special glue
wiring together connections on areas you spend the most time
thinking about.

83
TRACY DONEGAN

Is your electrician wiring your brain for a dramatic, fearful birth

experience and a stressful painful start to breastfeeding? Or is
she building out a whole new circuitry of connections of positive
expectations as you retrain your brain for pregnancy and parenting
wellbeing?

BRAIN BENEFITS OF
MEDITATION IN PREGNANCY
More positive emotions.

Emotional resilience (the ability to ‘bounce back’ and react positively

to stressful events).

Decreased fear and pain.

Less anxiety and depression.

Increased confidence.

Increased focus and concentration.

Reduces elevated blood pressure.

Reduces cortisol by 50% with mindful acceptance practice.

Facilitates positive changes in brain chemistry (neurotransmitters

such as serotonin, melatonin).

Changes brain structure associated with memory.

Makes physiological changes associated with a slowing of the aging

process (mindfulness is a lot cheaper than Botox!)

With all of these benefits why wouldn’t you meditate? I know I’m
probably getting annoying pushing this practice - it’s not a silver
bullet. Meditation doesn’t stop crappy things from happening – but
it can change how you think about the crappy things and that’s a
game changer.

84
 B R A IN

MEET YOUR MENTAL MEERKAT

Check in with yourself a few times a day by simply stopping whatever
you’re doing for a moment or two and take a few breaths. Home is
where the breath is.

When you feel anxiety, panic, or sudden anger, it’s a “bottom-up”

automatic reaction from a part of the brain that turns on the alarm
bells (amygdala), whether the threat is real or imagined. This part
of the brain is what I call your mental meerkat, always on the alert
and often setting off panic in the whole colony when it mistakes a
shadow for an eagle. We can tame and train the meerkat and stop
that panic by taking the spotlight off that emotion for a few moments
and putting your attention elsewhere. The breath is the best place
to start. It’s always with you and needs no special equipment.

TAMING YOUR MENTAL MEERKAT

In one study, after only 8 weeks, mindful attention was no longer
necessary to consciously reduce the meerkat response; it became
an automatic behavior. The fancy brain scientists call this a trait
effect. So you can change your life and how you experience it in a
few weeks by simply training the muscle of attention. Practicing the
STOP technique is an easy way to tame and train your meerkat and
put him to work for you rather than against you.

THE UPSTAIRS/DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN

Imagine your brain is an apartment block. You have an ‘upstairs’
brain and a ‘downstairs’ brain. Your upstairs brain on the higher
floors is the part of your brain that’s responsible for making
informed decisions, planning, and rational thinking. Think of the
upstairs brain being the wise, refined cultured professors who live
upstairs in that apartment block.

85
TRACY DONEGAN

On the lower floors of that apartment block is your downstairs

brain. It’s where the emotional center (fear/anxiety) lives. Think of
it like the apartments where the rowdy college students live…and
they are always looking for a party. Often the downstairs brain cries
wolf and releases adrenaline into your body based on a thought
that you had rather than a real threat. Thankfully we can train the
upstairs brain (the wise professors) to calm down the noisy college
students downstairs and bring you back to balance and calm. We do
this with the intentional activities of focus, mindfulness, CBT, and
sports psychology.

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do

something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not
fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit
in worrying whatsoever.”

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

DAD’S EYE VIEW – BIRTH STORY

Hi all, firstly can I thank all of those involved in GentleBirth. My
wife drew great encouragement from all of your support, guidance,
and honesty about her pregnancy. It feels a little odd contributing
to this as regardless of my genetic contribution to the situation,
this has been a “100% Fiona Production” with all of the accolades
deservingly going to her. I simply don’t have the words to express my
love, respect and overwhelming pride I have for my wonderful wife.
She is amazing, women are amazing. FACT.

Having heard snippets of some of the birth stories and discussing

differing options and opinions during the pregnancy I knew from
early on I would like to contribute something as means of a payback
for all we got from it. I would also hope some of my “dad Notes”
might offer the lads a few pointers on how they could get involved.

86
 B R A IN

Fiona has detailed everything in her birth story so I thought I might

just add a few points to certain parts to help demonstrate where I
could see gentle birth methods being an amazing help. If you are
reading this without reading Fiona’s it may be a bit odd.

Options…eh we have OPTIONS!!

Our little lady was not for turning, so when Fiona’s waters broke I can
honestly say my excitement was tinged with an element of anger, I
did not want to have my wife have a section. Firstly for reasons of
risk, recovery and the impact it would have on her post-delivery
plans and secondly was that following two miscarriages I knew she
had her sights set on a natural delivery to bring a long two years to
a natural conclusion. If I was feeling this way I couldn’t even imagine
how it was playing out in her mind, well there was no changing
things now so off to the hospital we went.

On examination we were told, yes, baby is breech, the inevitable

meeting of our eyes, yes, we knew we were both excited but also
resigned to what would come next. But no, given our unique
circumstances, the team were happy for Fiona to try a natural
delivery.

KABOOOOM went my brain, jaysus, I wasn’t thinking of this… my

entire mindset was on weeks of recovery after a cesarean, ensuring I
was wearing a shirt so I could do the skin-to-skin if called upon and
a million other things with 0% on a normal delivery. I turned to Fiona
and I could see in that moment her whole direction had changed, I
don’t even think she realized that she did it but she flipped into GB
mode. Her face relaxed, breathing regulated, and eyes closed… a few
seconds or so passed and then she came back calm, collected and
centered…“What do you think?”

Like everything in life, things don’t go to plan and how well you can
react is determined by the tools you have available. In the midst of
an emotionally charged situation to be asked to make an instant

87
TRACY DONEGAN

decision on an even more emotionally charged topic to find an

anchor of calm and clarity is priceless. It speaks volumes of my wife
and her use of the GB tools she had developed.

The Ebb and Flow

Having been given the green light to labor subject to constant
monitoring and a “just in case we need to do a section” epidural
to be put in when things were “really kicking off” we, and by “we” I
mean “She”, set ourselves up to breathe this baby out. Sat astride
a birthing ball attached to the monitoring machine Fiona began to
focus, to center her mind on the task. I was behind her supporting
her, keeping her topped up with water etc.

For the uninitiated (that means the lads) the monitoring machine
records baby’s heart rate and mothers contractions. The contractions
appear like mountains of pain, high bad, low not as bad. I could
see the waves of contractions on the screen as they built up,
peaked, plateau and then recede. But these jagged peaks weren’t
being reflected in the calm woman in front of me. I could see the
pain wash into her body, she rolled, arched, swayed, twisted with
a beautiful elegance in what can only be described as a primeval
dance. Back and forth Fiona leading the pain, directing it, owning it,
allowing every wave to ebb and flow through her to be breathed out.
The beauty of the dance harmonized by quiet moans. It was a sight
to be seen, among the beeps of the machines, chatter of midwives
and bustle of porters I was party to a picture of pure serenity. I don’t
do it justice, and I know if it had been me on the ball, regardless of
my no-holds-barred tough-guy persona, I would not have been 1%
of what Fiona had become. Women have a beauty all their own and
none was more beautiful than my wife in those moments.

The Final Push

The agreement had been that, as soon as things were kicking off, an
epidural was needed to cover off an emergency section if required,

88
 B R A IN

in hindsight this came a little too close to the end to be of any

benefit to Fiona. During the installation of the catheter, Fiona had
two major contractions; I suspect her having to change position
from the ball had moved things along. Again she breathed them
out like a complete trooper. It was then I noticed another great
difference between this labor and the first; the GB techniques had
preserved much more of her energy levels. At this stage of the first
labor, Fiona was wiped and ended up having a snooze for about an
hour through sheer exhaustion. This time around, she was bright,
in control, focused and ready to go despite the rollercoaster of the
previous hours. So with what felt like half the hospital entering the
room, Fiona began to push. I was expecting a marathon event but,
over the next 8 minutes, my stubborn daughter made her way into
the world bum first. Given I was the most useless thing in the room
at that stage I was able to observe the whole thing, pretty magical.
The room was still and calm, with the laid-back doctors having to
be reminded to catch the baby as the midwives aren’t covered for
breech deliveries. With the minimum of fuss, out popped Faela. Bum
and back, then the legs flopped down and the rest nearly all at once.
My family was complete… the next adventure was a GO.

All I can say is thank you GentleBirth for what you gave to my family.

SO as I said I thought it might be of benefit for me to put down a

blokes side of the event and offer some tips for other dads to be,
ladies this is in “Bloke” so if you don’t understand anything just ask
himself to translate

Notes for Future Dads:

• Don’t be a bloke (dude) about this, we get off pretty lightly
on the whole let’s-have-kids thing, so leave the old “sure
I’m more worried about wettin’ the baby’s head” clichés
behind and get stuck into the whole event, it’s totally
worth it.

89
TRACY DONEGAN

• If your better half decides to go down the GentleBirth or

similar route, take it from me, it’s not just another of her
mental pregnancy things like mayonnaise on popcorn. It’s
a real thing that works, don’t just brush it off – get on board.
Listen to the audio, have a look on YouTube, check out the
website. It couldn’t be easier, ass+seat+internet=prepared.
• Understand the birth plan and what each item means, who
will be involved and when you need to articulate these
things. You will be the voice of your family during labor;
you need to know what to say and what you are being
asked. Again we aren’t the ones dealing with extreme pain,
so making sure all around you are fully clued in on your
partner’s plans, be it plan A, B, C ….Z. If we can remember
seven different drinks when we are ordering a round of
drinks at 2 am remembering a few facts will be a breeze.
• Ask questions about everything; not only will it give you
great understanding, it will be good practice for when
baby hits about 3 and EVERY sentence is followed up
by “but WHY??”. I’m sure if your better half asked you to
explain the finer details of pregnancy, labor, etc., most of
us wouldn’t get anywhere close to top marks. Knowledge
is key, what goes where, what the other does, you get that
if this happens and on and on. You will regret playing the
hapless bloke card who is just there by default, so don’t
do it.
• If you can get the above sorted then you are laughing, you
are about 80% of the way to “Birth Partner of the Year”…
(I’ll be killed for that one).
• During the event remember the plan, be positive,
supportive, and watch for the small details. What’s
comfortable, what’s not. Keep your eyes open; always be
considering what will she need next. Be it a cool cloth for
her neck, some ice chips or even just wiping her face…her
comfort is priceless.

90
 B R A IN

• I spent about half of this labor just keeping the fitness

ball from shooting out from underneath Fiona as she
rocked forward and back. Remember, you are the rhythm
section to your partner/s lead guitar. Be her rock, support
her, take the strain, and always be positive. Reaffirm her
choices, her strength, her abilities, comfort and caress her.
• One thing I will say on the talking is, for us less is more,
I said no more than a handful of things to Fiona over the
six hours. My theory on it was that she didn’t want me
cluttering up her mind as she focused. It’s a bit like Jonny
Sexton as he goes through his kicking routine, he has the
crowd zoned out, he is one with the ball. The last thing
Jonny wants is Paul O’Connell shouting at him “Go on
Jonny, sure you are only brilliant, great fella, kick lumps
out of it, I know you are totally going to slot this one over,
you show them….” Less is more; know what to say and
when to say it. Remember, as with every moment of the
last nine months, regardless of the facts you are wrong,
act accordingly.
• Enjoy it for yourself, remember you are 50/50 on this little
person, soak it up, it’s amazing. Don’t have one second of
doubt; you will be a great dad.
PS. For those going to Holles Street, there is only one
bloke’s toilet (and I mean literally one toilet cubicle) on
the ground floor for all of us. Make sure you take a note of
its location near the admittance office, as at some stage,
you will have to make a dash for it. It also serves to remind
us how unimportant in the obstetrics world we truly are.
You have been warned.

GET YOUR BRAIN OUT OF THE

ANXIETY FAST LANE
As you know pregnancy brings with it an avalanche of information,
worries about finances, doubts about how you’ll cope and don’t
forget the never-ending conflicting advice from well-meaning

91
TRACY DONEGAN

friends and family. Throw some raging hormones into the mix and
a demanding job and even the most centered mom can end up
feeling anxious and overwhelmed. What can you do to calm the
waves of pregnancy anxiety during the workday? Follow these simple
mindfulness tips to feel calmer and more focused as you grow your
career AND your baby.

• Be grateful – as soon as you wake up and before your

brain takes off on autopilot to worryland take a moment
to appreciate someone or something in your life. When
your mind wanders bring it gently back to gratitude.
• Brush your teeth mindfully – pay attention to how your
body feels… how your jaw moves…how the toothpaste
tastes – do you look relaxed or rabid?
• Taste your food – breathe in the aroma instead of inhaling
your meals.
• Remind yourself that right now in this moment everything
is ok. The mind loves to race off to worst-case scenario
and it’s rarely the case. It’s simply a habit of thought.
• During your commute pay attention to your breathing…is
it deep or shallow? Turn the radio off for a while – allow
yourself to rest in the silence.
• Slow down – as you walk to your place of work notice the
trees, the cracks in the pavement, the temperature of the
air.
• When you feel stressed – ask yourself where are your feet?
(Simply redirecting your focus out of your head into your
body helps enormously if a panic attack is looming).
• Take a walk at lunchtime – how does your body feel as
your pregnant hips sway. What areas of your body are
tense…what areas are soft.
• Connect with your baby – in the privacy of your own mind
even in the busiest office you can have a private meeting
with your baby - imagine holding your baby, counting

92
 B R A IN

those tiny toes…….watching them take their first steps,

hearing their first words.
• Be your best friend – not your worst enemy. Speak to
yourself kindly, treat your pregnant body kindly you are
growing a human being - how amazing is that!
• Repeat steps 1 - 10 every day.

“Birth takes a woman’s deepest fears about herself

and shows her that she is stronger than them.”
–Unknown–

Two Questions to Catch Stressful Thoughts

Question 1 - What is my brain telling me right now?

Question 2 - Is it helpful?

When you do this you’re acknowledging that the negative thoughts

are not “you” they’re your brain trying to be a ‘fortune telling’
machine. Those thoughts are just mental events. You didn’t say “I’m
a crap mom” your brain did. You’re creating a tiny gap between you
and the thought. And you can use that bit of distance to question
the thought.

But often you’ll question the thought and that negative narrator
will come back with, “But it’s true. I am a crap mom. Everyone else
is better at this.”

We could sit here with me trying to convince you that it’s not true
and you’re an amazing mom and you disagreeing with me, but here’s
the thing: It doesn’t matter what the thought is and if it’s actually
true or not; what really matters is the question “Is it useful?”

93
TRACY DONEGAN

I don’t care.

Is telling yourself that you have no pain tolerance, won’t be able to

breastfeed, etc., going to help you do the things that improve your
pain tolerance or make breastfeeding more likely? Nope.

When you have that thought does it inspire you? Does it motivate
you to practice your comfort measures or read everything you can
about breastfeeding?

Step back and say, “Hmmm I notice I’m having the thought
that .”

Or “I’m having a mental event about .”

That gives you a little distance. It holds the thought up to the cold
light of day and lets you see it for what it is – a mental event –
it’s not you, it’s a product of that grey and white organ above your
eyeballs.

How is continuing those thoughts going to contribute to your

positive birth? Are those thoughts going to make a positive birth
and parenting experience more or less likely?

Once you’ve done this you can make a decision based on what’s
really relevant in your birth/parenting plans not your fears or
worries.

LEARN HOW TO WORRY WELL

You can approach your baby’s birth in several ways - put your
head in the sand (denial), chronically worry and panic about every
ache, symptom, and sign you have throughout your pregnancy, or
learn how to “worry well” (Dr. Rossman). Most of us don’t actively
practice positive visualization in our day-to-day lives but worry IS
visualization - just the unhelpful kind, and as I said earlier you’re

94
 B R A IN

already good at it! Let’s see how we can make worry work for you
instead of against you.

MOTIVATIONAL WORRY
Motivational worry can be your friend - it’s the “good” kind of worry.
Perhaps today you’re worried about coping with a new baby. Is that
a reasonable worry for a first time mom or a mom with five young
children at home?

Yes, absolutely! These kinds of worries have an important function

for a mom-to-be - they are motivational. They drive you to action
to find a solution and, once the appropriate action has been taken,
the worry is resolved. In this scenario, finding out where your local
mom and baby group is will reduce this worry. Or investigate hiring
a postpartum doula to support you in those early weeks or enlist
help from family/friends.

RUNAWAY WORRY
The most unhelpful kind of worry is one that keeps you in a constant
state of fear and anxiety. It’s usually about something that’s out of
your control and, because it’s associated with the emotion of fear,
it can become a habit of thought quite quickly due to the intense
emotions associated with it. Becoming a parent brings with it
significant life changes. Catastrophizing occurs when we look to the
future and focus on all the things that could possibly go wrong. We
then create a reality around those thoughts (e.g. “I know I won’t be
able to cope because…”). It’s already a done deal. Buying into these
kinds of worries (catastrophizing) is like giving up before you’ve even
started. You feel like you’ve failed before you even begin. So you
make excuses because you feel it’s all going to go wrong anyway and
there’s nothing you can do. You feel powerless. You are buying into
the belief without questioning your thoughts that you are destined

95
TRACY DONEGAN

to be a “terrible mother,” or you’ll be screaming for the epidural, or

doomed not to breastfeed because your mom didn’t.

PUTTING THE BRAKES ON A RUNAWAY WORRY

The first step to dealing with this kind of worry is to recognize when
you’re doing it. That feeling in the pit of your stomach will clue you
in. It’s helpful to keep in mind again that you are not your brain you
are not your thoughts. Remind yourself that this is just a circuit in
your brain that is misfiring and, as you do your daily-recommended
brain training in the App, you are actively changing those circuits
by using this program every day. This old wiring was installed when
you were younger and didn’t have the insight into how your brain
works. When you find yourself ruminating over a particular worry
ask yourself:

Is what I’m thinking about right now rewiring my brain in a

positive way or am I keeping those old circuits glued together?

Is what I’m thinking about right now making me more excited

about my baby’s birth or more anxious?

It’s literally a no-brainer! Change the channel! Each time you change
your focus of attention you rewire the brain. When you focus you
turn down the electrical activity in other parts of your brain. Make
your brain work for you.

Try this exercise: Write out the list of current worries you have
and list the things you can do to resolve them. If there are worries
that you can’t resolve, is there a way you can reframe them to find
something positive or can you learn to accept them in your life and
make peace with them?

96
 B R A IN

Don’t take your thoughts (or anyone else’s) so personally; remind

yourself that you just have a malfunctioning brain circuit running.

As the structure of your amazing brain begins to change with

these exercises, the changes are accelerated by focused sustained
attention - it’s like a spotlight. This kind of focused attention is a
form of mindfulness and it takes practice. You decide where to put
that spotlight!

DISTORTED THINKING
Your brain is sending you distorted messages all day long through
your negative self-talk: “I won’t cope with labor” & “What if I’m not
a good mom?”

Your affirmations can be a very helpful tool to focus your mind -

your mental meerkat (amygdala) gets very excited by negative self-
talk and negative imagery and releases stress hormones.

Who is controlling your emotional and mental spotlight today?

Your obstetrician? Your midwife? Your mother-in-law? The stranger
who cut you off in traffic this morning? Your defiant toddler? Or
you? When you learn how to refocus your emotional and mental
spotlight onto your reactions, you’ll be a better parent and a better
partner and you will reap the benefits of better health - mentally
and physically.

A simple way to keep you focused and to challenge automatic

thoughts is to:

• Check it – what are you focused on right now?

• Challenge it – thoughts are not facts – is this true?
• Change it – move your focus to something that makes you
feel good.

97
TRACY DONEGAN

Even 8 minutes a day practicing these techniques grows new neural

structure. Think 10-minute abs - but for the muscle of attention in
the brain for a better pregnancy and birth.

So, as you start to dip into the new practice of paying attention
(mindfulness) and start to use these techniques more frequently,
you’re feeding your fears less and you’re creating stronger brain
connections for a positive birth. The less you feed the fears, the
slower that electrical wiring works until it withers away and dies off.
Remember that the initial feeling or thought is just a reflex that you
have no control over but, when you realize you’re having a mental
meerkat moment, you can take action and redirect your focus and
STOP the meerkat.

In a nutshell: You Are Not Your Brain

Is what I’m focusing on creating positive birth/ parenting

brain circuitry or reinforcing the old unhealthy one - or, in
GentleBirth speak, is what I’m thinking about now making me
more excited or more anxious about my baby’s birth?

Being more aware and changing unhelpful thoughts is DIY remodeling

of your brain for a better birth and better health. Jeffrey Schwartz’s
book, You Are Not Your Brain, includes some very useful tips for
challenging unhelpful, stressful thoughts during your pregnancy.

Step 1: Re-label the negative thought - call it what it is, a brain cell
misfiring (dodgy wiring). Your brain is running an old program that
old neural circuit is firing off the one that keeps telling you that
birth has to be very difficult ...

that the other moms know what they’re doing. It’s just that old habit
of thought that had lots of that “special” glue keeping it together
(until now).

98
 B R A IN

Step 2: Reframe - It’s the brain, not me (don’t take the thoughts
personally) - this calms down your mental meerkat so you can
choose a more positive and enjoyable response.

Step 3: Deliberate Refocus. Take your attention to your breathing.

Change the channel, go for a walk, use your brain training, and
choose a healthy response.

THE ABCS OF CBT

Cognitive behavior therapy is one of the few forms of psychotherapy
and self-help that has been scientifically tested and found to be
very effective for moms experiencing anxiety, prenatal or postnatal
depression. Cognitive behavior therapy helps us challenge our
thoughts, which ultimately changes how we feel and how we react.
Negative thoughts are like bullies and, like all bullies there are some
tried and true ways to deal with them. Recent research suggests that
combining mindfulness practices and CBT can reduce the rate of
depression relapse significantly.

THE BULLIES THAT LIVE IN YOUR BRAIN

A wonderful midwife, friend, and psychologist, Rosemary, shared
with me her metaphor for negative thinking in pregnancy using CBT.
“They are like bullies in the playground. Imagine a bully coming up
to you and saying you’re an idiot. There are several ways that you
can respond.”

Accept what the bully says (you didn’t do well on that assignment
today so the bully must be right). “I must be really stupid.” With this
reaction, the bully will come back again and again.

Challenge the bully. “That’s not true - I did really well on all of my
other tests and I’ve been nominated to run the school science fair
this year.” The bully is less likely to come back and bother you again.

99
TRACY DONEGAN

Ignore the bully and go hang out with your friends. The bully has
lost her power.

Birth bullies are those unhelpful and often mean-spirited thoughts

many women have about themselves. They often appear in the form
of self-denigration:

Do any of these sound familiar to you?

“I’d like to try for a natural birth but, knowing me, I’ll be the one
screaming for the epidural.”

“Everyone else seems to be coping - maybe I’m just not cut out for
motherhood.”

“What if I don’t have enough milk?”

OTHER WAYS TO DECREASE YOUR

INTERACTIONS WITH “BRAIN BULLIES”
Challenge Them Emotionally

Be compassionate - what would you say to a friend if she was very

worried about coping with labor or breastfeeding her baby?

What would you say to your daughter?

List all the things going well in your pregnancy or your life right now.
Find something in your life you are grateful for.

What affirmation would be useful now?

Challenging the Brain Bullies Rationally

First things first: Take your attention to something else that makes
you feel better so you can think rationally. Challenging the birth
bullies when you’re upset or stressed is difficult because the rational
thinking part of your brain has been turned off.

100
 B R A IN

Step 1 - Test the validity of the thought - is it 100% true all of the
time? Are there any other women in the world who have coped well
with labor? Is birth difficult and long for everyone?

Step 2 - What evidence is there to show this is true all of the time?

Do all women find birth/breastfeeding/parenting difficult all of the

time?

Step 3 - When you are not feeling upset do you think about the
situation differently?

Be louder than those thoughts in your head!

Byron Katie is an expert on fear resolution and helps thousands

of people from all over the world challenge their thoughts about
the world. The following exercise is based on Byron’s life-changing
process, known as “The Work.”

Your thoughts about birth are not the problem...it’s only when you
believe them that it becomes an issue.

Try to come up with some stress-free reasons to keep thinking the

way you currently do about birth and breastfeeding.

Do these thoughts about birth make you feel better or worse? By

focusing on fears about birth you are choosing to feel worse.

Who would you be without that story (the scary thoughts about
birth)?

• Ask yourself - is it true?

• Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
• How do you react when you think those thoughts? (Give
specific examples - how you treat yourself and others).
• Who would you be without that thought? Imagine yourself
without those fears of birth...how do you feel?

101
TRACY DONEGAN

Visit TheWork.com for more information.

What if your mind was incapable of thinking the thought “scary

birth”? What would that look like for you? I imagine you would
enjoy every day of your pregnancy and know that in a few weeks
or months you are going to be holding your baby. You would look
at birth neutrally or positively because you know that you can
challenge those birth bullies.

See yourself without that story? How do you look? How do you feel?
Are those thoughts of labor real or are they just imagined?

Can you say without a doubt that they are guaranteed?

For most women giving birth is a normal physiological process. Our

attitudes and emotions interfere with the ability to have a positive
birth so much more than we realize. A ‘successful’ GentleBirth isn’t
about pain-free birth three-hour labor; a “successful” GentleBirth
comes from the peace of mind of knowing you did your very best
to have the safest and most gentle birth possible for you and your
baby. You stacked the odds in your favor. So, in the rare event that
something unexpected does come up on the day and medication
makes sense or intervention becomes necessary, there’s no guilt.
You did everything you possibly could to have the best birth possible
for you and your baby.

We don’t know what the future holds for any of us, so why not act as
if you’re going to have a positive birth instead of a terrible one. In
GentleBirth we choose to focus on the best-case scenario every day
instead of the worst-case. It’s always a choice.

102
 B R A IN

Sometimes our habits of thought focus on what’s not going

right for us.

Today try to notice what’s not wrong.

Shift your mindset to appreciation instead.

PREPARING FOR THE BIRTHING OLYMPICS

I always enjoy how dads sit up and take notice in the class when
we start talking about the psychological strategies of their favorite
football team. We’re speaking their language! There’s an incredible
amount of research supporting the recommendations. Sports
psychology principles help you and your partner prepare for birth
in the following ways:

• Mental imagery and mental practice

• The practice of intentional focus
• Goal setting
• Motivation and positive self-talk

Let’s talk about the value of mental imagery and mental practice.
Rehearsing your birth ‘mind movie’ is an integral part of birth
preparation but so many parents are experts in visualizing the
kind of birth they DON’T want. When I speak to mothers about
the kind of birth they’d like if they could write their birth story
today as if it’s already happened they’d happily rhyme off a list of
things they don’t want – unbearable pain, feeling out of control,
an episiotomy, the cesarean, sutures. But ask them to shift that
spotlight of focus to the kind of birth they DO want and I’m usually
met with blank stares… most have never considered that their birth
experience could be positive, that it might be incredible, it could
be calm, it could be manageable, it could be short etc. Years ago an
obstetrician commented to me how interesting it was that first-time

103
TRACY DONEGAN

GentleBirth moms tend to act as if it’s not their first baby – they act
as if they’ve done it before…which of course they have. A GentleBirth
mom who has been rehearsing her baby’s birth over and over in a
way that excites and uplifts her behaves quite differently on the
big day. Remember, the brain cannot tell the difference between
something you’re experiencing right now and something you’re
vividly imagining, so each time you rehearse your baby’s birth (works
for breastfeeding too) your brain thinks this is happening now and
either turns on the stress response, the challenge-response, or the
relaxation response.

YOUR BRAIN THINKS IT CAN TELL THE FUTURE

What I mean by that is your brain is a guessing machine. It’s a little
lazy that way – it scans in your memories for experiences that it
thinks are similar. It is bombarded by millions of signals coming
from your internal experience (your back aches, you’re thirsty) and
the external experience of all of your senses. Information from our
senses is altered by what we expect to experience and what we focus
on. Research in neuroscience has suggested that you don’t see the
color of the sky but you anticipate its blueness and use your sense
of vision to adjust this prediction (remember the white and gold (or
was it blue and black dress) that sparked a Facebook debate in 2015?

The world is a constantly changing uncertain place so for survival,

the brain jumps ahead to make assumptions based on previous
experiences. The brain wants to avoid surprises and will use your
expectations, previous experiences, and beliefs to predict the future
- or the human race won’t survive to pass on our genes. We’re
unconsciously always predicting what will happen next and you
already have a ‘mental model’ an expectation about what birth is all
about and when things don’t happen according to our expectations
the brain tends to explain away anything that doesn’t line up with
those expectations. But is that model based on fact or expectations,
beliefs, and assumptions?

104
 B R A IN

Take this example from interrogation experts;

Imagine a detective entering into an interrogation with the

belief that the suspect is guilty of the crime under investigation.
Based on that belief the detective may then predict that the
person will likely lie about their involvement in the crime.
Therefore, anything the person says or does will be filtered
through this lens by the detective’s brain and look for things
to support that prediction. This issue is compounded when the
detective has misinformation about what deceptive behavior
looks like, so if the person shifts in their chair or scratches the
back of their neck they may conclude it is due to them lying.

If there is evidence or testimony from another source that

comes to light which lends credibility to the suspect’s account,
that information may be overlooked or discounted and may be
explained away by the detective. For instance, testimony from a
friend who states that the suspect was with them at the time of
the incident and therefore could not be involved may be viewed
with suspicion and doubt, leading the detective to conclude that
the two of them have conspired to line up their stories.

This is not only supported through psychology and cognitive

science with the issue of confirmation bias, but also neuroscience
which tracked the electrical activity within the human brain, so
it is a psychological and biological issue as well.

Truthsleuth.com

What does that mean for you? Well if your ‘previous’ birth experience
(i.e. the negative birth you’ve been mentally rehearsing) and
combined with scary TV shows and birth stories then this is all your
brain has to go on so it will jump to the conclusion that birth must

105
TRACY DONEGAN

be accompanied by terror, tearing, extreme stress and unrelenting

pain so next stop is your body in panic mode once labor starts.

Note:

This is NOT about manifesting a birth experience based on The Secret.

MENTAL IMAGERY AND YOUR

BIRTH REHEARSAL
The value of using mental imagery to rehearse events is recognized
as a way to enhance performance in musicians and surgeons and
can even be used to speed up the physical rehabilitation after a
stroke. ‘Be like water’ – one of the most famous quotes of Bruce
Lee. The metaphor of the ocean is a common way of describing our
emotional state of mind. In the GentleBirth Birth Rehearsal, there
is imagery of going within to the calm deep space below the waves
where mom and baby can be together – even when the waves are
crashing above. British marathon runner Paula Radcliffe visualized
herself running up the final stretch of the race venue in London. As
she said at the time, I try to imagine that I’m in the closing stages
of the marathon in London ... I just visualize myself running up The
Mall. The metaphor of the marathon is one that resonates with
GentleBirth moms. I’ve taught triathletes, marathon runners, and
rock climbers and they all use mental imagery as part of their event
preparation and self-motivation when they reach that ‘wall’ (which
you might face in labor). They have learned to draw on their inner
resources so they can still put one foot in front of the other even
when their body wants to stop…to keep taking that ONE step...and
then next...staying in the moment and taking one step and one breath
at a time. Psychologists use the term mental imagery to describe
this process which we use every day. For example, if you close your
eyes, you should be able to imagine where the windows are in your
home (visual image), the sound of your partner’s voice (an auditory
image). We can get totally engrossed in mental imagery. Research
by the British Transport Research Laboratory showed that listening

106
 B R A IN

to sport on the radio can affect drivers more than being drunk at
the wheel. Even more fascinating is that during simulated driving
scenarios, there were nearly 50 percent more incidents involving
hard braking while motorists were listening to sports commentaries
on the radio than when drivers were driving without the presence
of distractions. Maybe some nice soothing music is the way to go!

The most important aspect of mental imagery is arousal control (e.g.,

you visualizing yourself feeling calm and focused during your baby’s
birth) and building self-confidence (visualizing yourself feeling
confident and coping). Professional golfer Darren Clarke says “If
you don’t visualize then you allow other negative thoughts to enter
your head.” Not visualizing is almost like turning on Google Maps
but not entering your destination into it. It can only work if you
put the destination in. GentleBirth moms rehearse their births over
and over again...seeing themselves on the day...coping well... staying
focused...etc. Muhammad Ali talked about creating ‘future history’.
Prior to a fight, Ali would visualize himself progressing through the
whole event and see himself winning and feel those emotions. He
would immerse himself in his imagination and repeat the dress
rehearsal in his mind over and over again. The mind cannot tell
the difference between what’s vividly imagined and what you’re
currently experiencing. The problem is that you have probably been
mentally rehearsing the kind of birth you DON’T want. It’s a habit
of thought. Your visualization practice is more powerful when you
can emotionally connect with the imagery... visualize your labor
experience in 3D... see it... feel it, enjoy it... Vividly seeing yourself in
labor being focused and strong... deeply feeling the calmness and
focus on the day...enjoying the feeling of anticipation knowing the
baby is on the way can be a daily practice that gets you psyched and
excited about labor.

You’ve Got This!

107
TRACY DONEGAN

FOCUS TRAINING
A large part of GentleBirth is about learning how to train your focus.
According to sports psychologist Dr. Aidan Moran, focus is the ability
to concentrate or pay attention to the task at hand while ignoring
distractions and is a crucial prerequisite of successful performance
in sport (and definitely an unmedicated birth). In our workshop, we
do an exercise with partners to help them anticipate internal and
external distractions and get them thinking about how they will
facilitate maintaining that focus for you and help you to manage
emotional arousal through the ‘Switch’ technique. Andy Roddick,
U.S. tennis star, revealed that in his 2007 Wimbledon match that
he avoided making eye contact with his opponent in case he might
lose his concentration. Snooker player Mark Williams sang a song
to himself silently to block out negative thoughts in 2003. Some
moms find just repeating the affirmations or the mantra of “I can
do anything for a minute” or “Open open open” works really well for
them. It’s important to note that a focused mind requires deliberate
mental effort, intention, and practice. You have to train that muscle
of focus rather than hope it’ll just happen on the day. Irish rugby
player Ronan O’Gara says, “I have to be focused. I have to do my
mental preparation. I have to feel that I’m ready”. You are optimally
focused when you are in the moment and staying with sensations
such as “I’m breathing up with this surge…my body is moving gently.”

Things get tricky with focus when you start to think about things
that are outside of your control…such as ‘how long is this going to
take’? Focus is never really lost – it’s just moved somewhere else.
Where is your spotlight of focus today? The GentleBirth mantra
of calm, confident, and in control isn’t about controlling birth
(although there are some areas you do have control over)…it’s about
controlling your focus, attitude, and responses to changes that may
occur and paradoxically at a specific point in labor – giving up that
control to your body and baby.

108
 B R A IN

WHICH WOLF ARE YOU FEEDING?

You may be familiar with this story – an old Cherokee Indian was
talking to his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all of us.
He said, ”My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.
One is bad. It is anger, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
lies, superiority, and ego.

“The other wolf is joy, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,

and compassion. The grandson thought about it for a minute and
then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins the battle?” The old
Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’”

This is such a simple but profound story. We have a choice; feed

the Good Wolf and it will show up our habits, our self-talk, and our
behavior positively. Or feed the Bad Wolf and see how that impacts
your life. The crucial question for you to consider is “Which wolf are
you feeding today?” Which wolf will bring you closer to a positive
birth and your parenting goals?

Athletes talk to themselves all the time (so do mothers so get

used to it) either silently or out loud when they train and compete.
British Olympic athlete Paula Radcliffe always counts her steps
silently to herself during races to keep her focus. As she explained,
“when I count to 100 three times, it’s a mile. It helps me to focus
on the moment and not to think about how many miles I have to
go. I concentrate on breathing and striding and I go within myself”.
Instructional self-talk (using specific cue words or phrases improves
performance). There are two kinds of self-talk - instructional (I need
to breathe slowly down to my baby, calm, confident and in control)
and motivational – “I can do anything for a minute, I’ve got this,
I feel strong.” Motivational self-talk seems to be more effective
for endurance activities and sometimes that’s exactly what an
unmedicated birth can be.

109
TRACY DONEGAN

“Educating the mind without educating the

heart is no education at all”
–Aristotle–

MENTAL GRIT
Developing mental toughness allows you to persevere through
challenging circumstances and emerge without losing confidence.
The following attributes are all key for mental toughness (I’ve
narrowed them down specifically for birth and parenting).

• Having self-belief in your ability to have a positive birth

and parenting experience
• Being able to recover from setbacks or wobbly moments
• Having a high amount of motivation and desire to have
the most positive birth for you.
• Having the ability to calm and soothe yourself following
uncontrollable events.
• Having the ability to overcome emotional and physical
pain.
• Having the ability to remain fully focused even in the face
of distraction (busy hospitals).
• The ability to switch your focus when necessary.

Mental toughness focuses on 3 Cs, too – commitment (how much

work you put into preparing), control (the extent to which you
can control certain elements, controlling the controllables), and
challenge (the capacity to see unexpected events as a challenge
rather than as a huge setback). Eventually, a 4th C was incorporated
– confidence. Not too far off our mantra of calm, confident, and in
control.

110
 B R A IN

When it comes to motivation some people think that motivation is

something that either you have or you haven’t (and it always seems
a bit harder to find on a Monday morning). Sports psychologists
refer to intrinsic motivation - this is a personal goal (wanting to
have an unmedicated birth for the challenge of the experience –
to see how strong you can be). I’ve found this to be really evident
with VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) moms. There’s also extrinsic
motivation – engaging in an activity as a means to an end but not for
its own sake. For some moms, it’s about wanting to prove to peers
that they can birth unmedicated or to have a VBAC so they can lift
their toddler after the new baby arrives. Most GentleBirth moms are
intrinsically motivated – hopefully you’re reading this book because
you feel motivated to have the healthiest, most positive experience
possible – not because it’s a trendy thing to do or because your
sister had an easy labor.

Take some time to think about your goals for the kind of birth
you want and what is motivating you? Are your current levels of
motivation enough? How can I help you grow that motivation to
reach your goals?

Goal setting is extensively researched in sports psychology. Your

goal must be specific, realistic but also feel challenging, they
should be written down and it’s a good idea to check back often
to see how you are progressing. The biggest challenge of doing the
practices discussed in this book aren’t the exercises themselves
it’s deciding to make them a priority in your life. There’s very little
hard work involved in turning your phone to airplane mode, lying
down comfortably and then pressing play. Can you spare those few
moments every day for a happier healthier you (and baby)? Seems
like a no brainer. You don’t need to go anywhere, or put on special
clothing but some moms just won’t make that time. Fear of birth is
a choice – you have an alternative, right here in your hands.

111
TRACY DONEGAN

SPECIFICITY
When it comes to birth preparation we need a specific goal for
practice for example –

Five days a week…I will spend 20 minutes practicing with the App

I will do one activity mindfully every day this week.

I will walk 20 minutes every day to improve my fitness in pregnancy.

PROXIMITY
Don’t wait until you’re 34 weeks to start your preparation. Do
something small every day in the short term. The earlier you start
the sooner you’ll feel the benefits and your motivation will grow.

Goal focus – our focus is on a positive birth as defined by you – not

unmedicated or vaginal. Every day you practice you are one step
closer to your positive birth.

You’ve probably come across the SMART goals acronym:

Specific, Measurable, Action Related, Realistic and Timetabled.

The one I prefer to use is INSPIRED

Internalized
Nurturing
Specific
Planned
I (in your control)
R for reviewed regularly
E for energizing
D for documented (write it down!) - think it then ink it.

112
 B R A IN

FOCUS YOUR MENTAL SPOTLIGHT FOR BIRTH

You must choose to focus - it doesn’t just happen - you must make
a conscious choice.

Focus on one surge at a time - mindfully in the present - keep your

spotlight on this one surge - not the one coming or the one just
passed. Stay in the moment.

You are focused when you are doing exactly what you’re thinking, as
in “breathing through this surge.”

WTF – WHERE’S THE FOCUS?

Choose where you direct that spotlight. Focus can be regained
quickly.

You don’t “lose” your focus/concentration - you’ve just moved it

somewhere else. Bring it back to your breath, a point on the ceiling,
or slow counting.

Birth partners can help a mother keep her focus with gentle and
supportive coaching to help her maintain focus when necessary.

Birth Partners:
• Encourage mom with short-term, attainable achievable
goals such as :
• Let’s stand for the next surge.
• Let’s try the bath for 10 minutes.
• Follow my breathing for the next surge.
• Let’s change position for the next one.

113
TRACY DONEGAN

BIRTH IS A HEAD GAME

Sports psychologists call this the “head edge.” Positive visualization
and positive self-talk are well documented in research to improve
performance.

By visualizing (mentally rehearsing) your birth in as much detail

as possible, you are creating a dress rehearsal for your mind and
setting the expectation that you will be calm and relaxed during
labor. Athletes employ visualization as part of their training and
professionals mentally rehearse presentations and speeches.
So athletes see themselves winning the Olympic gold and the
entrepreneur sees himself closing that million- dollar deal. SEE
yourself at the hospital or at home with your midwife, FEEL how
confident and relaxed you are. BE THERE NOW. Act as if it’s already
happened. The famous boxer Muhammad Ali called this technique
making “future history.”

Imagine you are making a film of your upcoming birth….. YOU are the
director and producer; YOU decide who is in your movie; anything is
possible in your movie, See yourself relaxing at home on the couch
or standing in the kitchen or wherever you want to be. It’s 10am on
a bright Friday morning; it’s your movie and you can decide what
time your labor will start, what the weather outside will be like. See
how excited you’ll be when you call your partner to tell him/her it’s
time… you write the script!

Imagine in this movie how comfortable and relaxed you feel, the
excited drive to the hospital and look, there’s no traffic…. settling
into your room. In the next scene, your partner is calling everyone
to tell them your baby is coming today. See how wonderfully relaxed
you are… The nurse tells you how great you are doing and she is
surprised at how calm you are.

You welcome each sensation, knowing that you and your baby are
going to meet very soon. Before you know it, you feel that irresistible

114
 B R A IN

urge to bear down. In your mind movie you’ll notice how surprised
and amazed your obstetrician is, etc., etc. Your baby is born at 3pm,
only four hours after your first surge ... you feel so good and your
little girl is so calm and alert ... you and your partner admire her
little wrinkled fingers...and her bright alert eyes…

You feel fantastic and recover so quickly and, if you plan on nursing
your baby, see your baby latching on perfectly, sense how confident
you feel. Your body produces exactly the right amount of breast milk
for your baby.

You recover so quickly, you just can’t wait to get home and have your
little bundle all to yourself. You rise to the challenge of parenthood
easily and gracefully.

This is your mind movie - wire these brain connections more strongly
every day by replaying this experience mentally over and over again.

Write and rewrite your birth story.

MORE MENTAL IMAGERY

Using visualization to prepare for birth is a simple and effective
way to prepare for birth by reframing your perception of the birth
process.

SURGES AS WAVES IN THE OCEAN

Each wave bringing you closer to your baby… carrying you along to
your destination, where your baby is waiting for you or maybe you
are traveling together with your baby to your destination.

Feel the waves surging stronger, they swell and rise until they crest
and then they ebb away as you relax deeper.

The undulating waves stroke, soothe, and massage your baby

nudging him down the short birth path to your arms.

115
TRACY DONEGAN

THE TRAIN
If you have ever stood in a station waiting for a loved one to
arrive, this imagery will be helpful for you. Each train approaches
the station with great power and force and one of these trains is
carrying your baby.

THE UPHILL CHALLENGE

Imagine cycling up a steep hill and freewheeling down the other
side on the journey to meet your baby … you don’t know how many
hills there will be, but you are energized as you feel the air on your
face while you freewheel down the other side of each hill. You know
that the steeper the hill, the more effectively your body is working
and the closer you are getting to meeting your baby.

THE UNFOLDING FLOWER

The imagery of the flower opening is often accompanied by
chuckles from many and it tends to reinforce the perception that
visualization is only for moms who like tie-dye, gluten free and long
flowing skirts. If this imagery appeals to you, this is one of the most
powerful images you can use during birth, as your mind will make
the connection to the opening cervix (it’s difficult to imagine what a
cervix even looks like!) The opening flower metaphor is a universal
image for birth and combines the elements of wetness, unfolding,
ease, and softness. Imagine standing in a beautiful garden by a still
pond surrounded by your favorite flowers. It’s early morning. You
can feel the sun on your skin and there’s a cool breeze - you can
smell the fragrance of these beautiful dewy blossoms. As the sun
moves higher in the sky, you see the delicate petals of the flowers
opening one by one slowly and easily. You drop a pebble into the
pond and you watch as mesmerizing ripples get bigger and bigger.
As your body surges gently and easily with each petal opening more
and more, your body also unfolds with ease and grace. The ripples

116
 B R A IN

in the pond get bigger and bigger as our body opens easily – like
the rippling water. As you feel the urge to bear down, focus on the
word “open”; even saying it to yourself silently relaxes the facial
muscles, which also relaxes the pelvic floor. Have a picture of your
favorite flower with you during birth; scenes of nature reduce pain
sensations.

Be easy with yourself and try not to force the imagery - if these
images don’t resonate with you, find something that does. The more
you can make the program your own, the more effective it will be
for you.

BIRTH STORY
GentleBirth Twins
At 39 + 3 weeks pregnant with twins, my waters broke on the
Wednesday around lunchtime and I had lots of surges that day and
was so excited and nervous because it was FINALLY happening. (They
had wanted to induce me 10 days earlier and I was getting a bit
desperate for things to kick of naturally). The surges disappeared.
That night my family were practically having a panic attack that I
wasn’t in hospital being monitored so I decided to ring the hospital
and see what they said. Of course, they said to come straight in
because of twins. I decided to wait till morning and have a decent
night’s sleep, as I knew I wouldn’t sleep in hospital. We made our
way the hour and a half to Limerick hospital on the Thursday
morning and got there around noon. I told them my waters had
just broken when I called them the night before as I wanted to
buy myself a bit more time but they said I had to go on antibiotics
anyway at that point. I was really upset because I was in hospital
and I had such visions of laboring at home before heading in. They
were starting to talk induction for that evening if I hadn’t started
myself and I was distraught as I almost knew I wouldn’t go into labor
because I was so stressed out. That evening I bought myself until

117
TRACY DONEGAN

the next morning and almost psyched myself up for it. I posted on
this group page at 1:15 am just when they were giving me another
dose of antibiotics and I then rolled over and calmed myself enough
to sleep. Literally minutes after I had posted, I got my first surge
and I struggled to pull myself out of bed it was so strong. I had
another two surges leaning on the bed and then quickly realized
that it was most definitely kicking off. It really threw me how strong
they were as on my first birth of 20 hours they started so weak
and took ages to really get going. I was SO excited I jumped out
of bed and walked up the hall to the nurse’s station where I was
giggling with excitement that I was in labor. I had about another 30
minutes of surges walking the corridor and then the midwife said
she thought things were moving really quick so she checked me
and I was 5cm. I skipped down the hall to the labor ward and the
midwives who greeted me said they had never seen a woman look
so happy to be in labor. I was really buzzing. I had spent most of my
pregnancy freaking out about birthing twins because there seemed
to be so much hospital policy involved and I had always had visions
of being strapped to the bed and having lots of arguments about
epidurals and other interventions. I had two gorgeous midwives,
one very experienced older lady and another younger one. Both
were really supportive and wanted to do everything to let me have it
how I wanted. A consultant came in and scanned me and twin 2 had
flipped breech, so she said that she really wanted me to have the
epidural and almost seemed to be insisting on it. When she turned
away, the older midwife said I didn’t need it and that she thought I
would cope fine with a manual breech extraction anyway and that
it was my choice. She made me feel so empowered and like I could
do anything. I spent the whole labor at the side of the bed and they
just held the monitors to my tummy rather than strapping them to
me. The constant monitoring was one of my biggest fears and they
just made it their business to do it in whatever position I wanted
to be in. I was 8cm at 4:30 and Matt, my partner, was still not there.
I was getting a bit nervous that he would miss it all. He arrived at
4:50 and I hopped up on the bed and lay on my side and birthed

118
 B R A IN

my first baby with one of the midwives. She was born at 5:04 head
first. They scanned me quickly and twin 2 was lying transverse so
the consultant got involved. He had to reach inside me and turn
twin 2 and grab her legs. He was very quick and, with lots of gas and
air, it was totally manageable. They made me do lots of pushing to
get twin 2 out and she was born feet first at 5:11. All very quick. Two
placentas followed and no stitches needed. Babies weighed 6 lb 2oz
and 6 lb 8oz. Both babies straight onto my chest after a quick glance
over by the pediatricians (who had been standing around on their
iPhones, looking a bit bored). Both babies latched on and fed away. I
came home on the Saturday morning as the help on the Friday night
with breastfeeding/ someone just to hold a baby for 5 minutes was
really awful. I had visions of my second birth being like my first, with
hours of labor, so I had thought that I would listen to lots of music
and have GentleBirth in my ears for the duration. I found that I was
so excited to be in labor and it moved so quickly that listening to
the cheesy pop music in the labor ward was more in tune with how I
was feeling. One of the midwives put on some ‘relaxing’ music in the
room at one stage and I got her to put on the radio again. The two
midwives were really amazing and they kept saying they had never
seen a woman so happy to be giving birth. It was a million miles
away from how I thought it would be when I was pregnant; it was so
much better and an incredible birth experience.

HEAD HACKING FOR BIRTH

The Clothes Maketh the … (Birthing Woman)

What are you planning on wearing on the big day? New PJs…a
hospital gown, a lucky t-shirt and sweatpants - or maybe nothing?

Did you know that what you wear influences your behavior and
feelings? That wearing a white coat, believing it to belong to a
doctor, increases your IQ (compared to a white coat you believe
belongs to a painter)? New research describes these phenomena as

119
TRACY DONEGAN

“enclothed cognition.” The clothes you wear put you into a different
psychological state. A hospital gown puts you in the mind frame
of being a “patient” putting on PJs for most people is associated
with getting into bed. Think of a time a visitor called at your door
unexpectedly and you were “caught” in your nightwear… did you feel
confident or vulnerable and a little uncomfortable?

The July 2010 issue of Psychological Science profiled a German

study showing that a good luck charm can help you improve your
confidence in your own abilities. Professional athletes have known
this for years. Tiger Woods always wears a red shirt on the last day
of the tournament. Basketball legend Michael Jordan would wear his
University of North Carolina shorts under his Chicago Bulls shorts to
improve his performance. The Oakland Raiders wear black uniforms
to help build an intimidating reputation in the NFL.

Other studies have also shown that women who dress in a more
masculine fashion in interviews are more likely to be hired and
teaching assistants who dress more formally are thought to be
more intelligent than their more casually dressed work colleagues.
So what we wear not only changes the way we see the world - it
changes the way the world sees us. Think about what you’ll wear on
the big day to give yourself that birth “head edge.”

BIRTH STORY
Flynn’s Fabulous Arrival
I had a dream pregnancy, very little sickness, felt quite fit throughout,
bar the odd cold and flu when I would have killed for something
stronger than a paracetamol, but I really was very lucky. Obviously,
like everyone, I had seen images of birthing in movies and on TV
and was somewhat apprehensive about what it would be like for
me. It doesn’t help either that so many women feel they need to

120
 B R A IN

tell you a horror story about either the immense pain they or their
friend’s friend’s cousin went through!

Well, I had a friend of a friend myself and she had taken on the
services of a doula, a term I hadn’t heard of at the time. Our mutual
friend told me she was listening to relaxation CDs, was meeting with
this doula, and was even considering bringing her into the labor
ward instead of her husband. When she finally gave birth to her
daughter, with her husband by her side I should add, I was told she
listened to her CD during the labor and that, when the nurses told
her it was time to push, she told them that it wasn’t, popped her CD
back on and a little while later told them she was ready. Kids weren’t
even on the horizon for us at that time but that set up struck a
chord with me even then. The idea that you can be in labor and yet
still be in control was not something depicted in the movies when it
looks like a woman is being torn in two! So, when the time came for
our baby, I looked up the services of Tracy Donegan and booked in
for her weekend course.

I chose to go public for my maternity care and thought that, as we

weren’t spending there, it would be a good idea to fork out for this
course and others, such as pregnancy yoga. The course isn’t mad
money at all but to be honest, even it were thousands it would be
money well spent.

We both got a lot from the course, it was the first time we had both
sat and talked and listened about labor - what to expect, etc. We
watched women give birth using the GB method and that was an
eye-opening experience. One woman was sat on the bed in the
hospital looking peaceful, breathing deeply, her husband answered
all the questions the nurses were asking and made sure the door
was shut for her privacy, it was all just so relaxed. All of a sudden
she just got up, her instinct was to birth leaning into the pillows
and out popped the baby, even the midwife was shocked and had
to rush to get her gloves on to help catch the new arrival! I kept that

121
TRACY DONEGAN

image with me a lot, as even though Tracy was convincing, you have
to see it to believe it really.

So, armed with my MP3s and book, the GentleBirth advice was to
listen to your tracks every night and then your subconscious mind
will get itself and you prepared for a peaceful birth where you are
calm, comfortable, and in control. Tracy suggested that you try and
mix up the places you listen to it, not just in bed going to sleep
every night but also when there’s a bit of commotion going on, so
you’ll learn to zone out. I did my best with this but, to be honest, it
was mostly every evening that I’d pop on the headphones. It used to
help me to sleep and really began to change any negative thoughts
I had about giving birth around and I had a very confident positive
outlook toward the whole thing.

I had chosen midwife-led care through my hospital, which meant

very few visits to the hospital; I literally only had to go in for scans,
the rest of the time I went to a midwife clinic nearby home. Very
handy, just a quick check of blood pressure, urine sample, and a
measure of the bump and, unless you needed any further advice,
which they were lovely at giving, you were on your way.

At around week 31, my baby began measuring ahead of schedule,

so was the size they should approximately be at week 33. So they
asked me to come back within two weeks as opposed to a month,
just to see if it was a growth spurt that would even out. It was the
same story at week 33 though, so from then on I was referred to
the hospital to see a consultant, so they could scan the baby and
monitor the progress from there. This was a bit of a bind because
the hospital clinic was a lot busier than the midwife clinic but all for
the good of the baby, eh!

At the hospital, while the care was fantastic, I was given ordinary
scans and booked in for an ultrasound to best determine the weight
and size of the child; From the first visit there was an air of caution
exercised, that I was having a big baby and that either my dates

122
 B R A IN

were wrong or I might need to be induced or have a cesarean. All

these were miles away from the gentle birth I was preparing myself
for.

With all my preparation came an air of confidence about giving

birth and I really felt I wanted to give it a go. I continued going for
my weekly hospital check-ups and again and again they told me I
was having a big baby, now over 8 lbs. and really their hope was I
would go early. I went into overdrive hoping to bring on the labor,
then would change my mind wanting to wait and let nature take its
course, all the while this idea of a cesarean was looming over me.

I, and my brother and sister, were all born by cesarean section and
in those days it was the norm to give a general anesthetic so my
poor mom was out for days; now it’s a fairly common procedure
done using the epidural, so I’m not majorly against them, just as I
say I wanted to give the birth a go naturally.

At 39 weeks, the consultant said the head wasn’t engaged which

suggested to him that, because of the size, it couldn’t fit into my
pelvis and he would recommend a cesarean, he immediately picked
up and booked one for the following week. I left disappointed but,
of course, thought whatever was best for the baby, I would go along
with. The doctor said it could be a long laborious labor that could
ultimately end in a cesarean, wouldn’t it be best to just go straight
to the cesarean.

Initially, I tried to be as positive as possible and was, of course,

excited at the prospect of finally meeting my little one the following
Thursday, but over the weekend I just began to change my mind.
I was booked in for the section the day after my due date and I
just felt that I’d like more time to go naturally. I rang the head of
midwives and asked her if I could postpone and she changed the
appointment from theater to an ordinary antenatal appointment.
Again, I almost felt I was going against the clock to try and get the
baby out naturally before being faced with a cesarean again.

123
TRACY DONEGAN

My due date arrived and I had booked to have my hair done, I

thought it best to stay as busy as possible and knew, either way,
the baby was coming soon so the hairdressers would be a bit of
a luxury I’d be without for some time. While in the chair, what I
thought were Braxton Hicks practice pains I’d had before began.
They got quite intense and at one point I thought I was going to ask
the stylist to stop but I got through it, paid, and left. As I was in town
and had a voucher for one of the department stores and fancied
buying a nail polish you’d never spend money on unless you had a
voucher, I ignored the dull surges and headed down. Picked up a bit
of lunch and headed for home. These surges would then completely
disappear, then return hours later, but I just went for a walk, chilled
at home that night watching a DVD and having the odd sit and
bounce on the birthing ball.

The following day, I had a bit of work to do, so I headed out to the
company I visit weekly for voice-over work; even though I’d finished
up for maternity leave from my main job, I kept this on as it’s only an
hour on a Thursday morning, though I had told them this would be
my last time. As I finished, I headed to the restroom and discovered
what I thought was the mucus plug. I really wasn’t sure, as you get a
lot of discharge at different stages of the pregnancy and there really
aren’t any photos of a bloody show in the books, I almost felt like
keeping the bit of tissue to bring to my hospital appointment later
that day but I resisted, flushed, and headed on.

Looking back now, I did rest a lot during those couple of days, more
than normal. When an opportunity would arise I’d go back to bed
and read my book or doze off. I think now I was conserving my
energies.

As the pains were still coming and going, nothing more than a dull
ache like period cramp, and I’d had this mucus. I was quite excited
going back that afternoon to see the consultant that had booked
my section. I was confident that he would examine me, say the head
was engaged, and all would be well.

124
 B R A IN

While he was very nice when we arrived, he was surprised to see

us and when I explained how I felt it was rushed and I’d like more
time past my due date to see if I could or would go naturally he
was supportive enough and just said, “Well, let’s examine you and
reassess the situation.”

Again, the head wasn’t engaged and he said he would strongly

recommend a cesarean. The one thing Tracy says when it comes to
intervention by the hospital, whether it be induction, throughout the
labor, or otherwise, is just to ask questions. Why are we doing this?
What if we wait? Are there any alternatives? And most importantly,
is the baby at risk? Once you’ve ascertained the answers to these,
whatever the outcome, at least you feel in control of decisions being
made about your birth, baby, and body.

The doctor was actually quite bleak that day and said things he
hadn’t the week before. One of the dangers he said was, that as the
head wasn’t engaged, the worry was that if my waters broke in a
gush, as can happen to some women, the umbilical cord could come
out first as the entrance was not blocked by the baby’s head and
then there was only a short time to get to the hospital. Missing this
window could mean the child could be born with complications such
as cerebral palsy or worse. Myself and my husband were shocked
and I felt quite foolish, why was I insisting on a natural birth just
because I’d done this course and listened to CDs which told me I
could have this amazing birth experience? A cesarean was still a
birth and wasn’t the health of my child the most important thing?

I apologized, as did the doctor, who said perhaps he hadn’t made

all the details clear the week before, the clinic is very busy with only
a short amount of time per person and anyway, we had said yes to
the cesarean, allowed him to book it and I signed a consent form
so he felt we understood and were on board. He attempted to book
another for the following day, obviously having heard what he said
I almost wanted one right there and then, but it was Thursday, they
were fully booked the next day and there are no elective sections at

125
TRACY DONEGAN

the weekend, so he booked me in for the following Monday morning

and said if I went into labor in the meantime, I was to get in to the
hospital as quickly as I could.

I left a bit shell-shocked, but as I had asked the questions and

been given the answers, I felt I now understood the why, I was in
control, and I just kept repeating one of the GentleBirth affirmations
to myself, “I will accept whatever path my birthing will take.” I also
called a very good friend of mine, who had two cesareans at the
same hospital and had a lovely experience with each, no major
issues with recovery afterwards, no problems with bonding or
breastfeeding and, as she herself said, she never had to puff or pant
and had her pelvic floor intact!

However, that night the dull pains returned. Again nothing mad,
just something in the background; in fact pain is not an accurate
description.

I was aware of them, was thinking, “Is this it?” but to be honest I
was now worried about this umbilical cord issue and was annoyed
at myself for wishing this on and trying a few techniques to bring
on labor including aromatherapy oils, a ton of pineapple, and some
yoga moves my teacher had given me. Again just a chilled night in
front of the TV.

When the pains would go I would wish them back, when they’d
come back I’d start to worry about the baby, but they continued to
come and go throughout the next day. One of the suggestions to the
partners from the course is to remember to keep the oxytocin levels
high and the adrenaline low, this helps the mom to stay relaxed. It’s
suggested they do this by thinking romance, light candles, fill the
bath, and watch a funny movie, so we spent the afternoon watching
“Kick Ass” on the couch. I said I wanted to get a walk in, again
switching in my mood; one minute I wanted to bring the birth on,
the next I wanted to wait and have the safe cesarean. My husband
works from home so, while he could be around, his phone can ring

126
 B R A IN

nonstop, so it was nearly 8:30 pm before he was ready to go for the

walk and we said we’d watch another movie.

At this stage, I could feel myself getting agitated or restless, I kind of

reminded myself of my cat when she had her kittens, in the hours
beforehand she kind of paced around looking for a safe place to
give birth. I was a bit like that looking back and was getting a little
annoyed that my husband was just carrying on as normal but is
just what I needed really. He asked if I wanted to walk to the video
store and back which would have been at least an hour round trip,
I snapped that he was being ridiculous, “This could be it, I could be
in labor!” So we drove to the store - I was absolutely fine, the surges
when they came felt a little sharp, but I really felt that if this was
the start of labor, it was only the very start. We chose a movie, a
comedy, and I said I’d wait in the car while he paid. Looking back it
should have been more obvious, I really had to ease myself in and
out of the car and breathe deeply but still it was totally manageable.
So we drove up the beach, hubby helped me out of the car, and I
hobbled over the road. I pointed to a life ring about 100 yards up the
beach and suggested we walk to that and back, mad stuff really but
I suppose it meant I was focused on something else and we were
chatting away. The sun was setting and a woman went by on a horse
taking him into the sea, I was taking it all in, but a little removed
from it.

We came home and I had a bath, using the Love & Labor aromatherapy
mix that Mary Tighe from BirthingMamas had sent me. Hubby came
up the stairs to tell me he may need to work for an hour or two the
following afternoon, I calmly told him that, while I wasn’t 100% sure,
I felt he should make alternative arrangements as we may be at the
hospital.

We were probably at around 9:30 at this stage, though I wasn’t really

watching the clock. I was replying to a few texts, people checking in
with me; I said to a few “don’t think it will be long now” I then told
Jonathan that it might be an idea to start putting my bags into the

127
TRACY DONEGAN

car, I still didn’t think we were going anywhere soon but felt if these
surges were going to get more intense over time then I’d sooner get
any organization out of the way while I was up for it. I got dressed,
into the nightdress I had bought for the labor ward, went to add
leggings but tummy didn’t like it. At this stage, while I was still happy
enough, it was difficult to find somewhere to be comfortable. I didn’t
really want to sit on the birthing ball, though it had been helpful in
the early stages sitting circling my hips, bouncing and rocking side
to side, and I didn’t want the bed or the couch. The toilet, oddly
enough, felt quite safe, nice and dark, door, closed but not locked,
hubby was never far away and he kept the lights dim everywhere.

Tracy had very kindly sent me a website about big babies written
by women in similar situations to mine, told they were having “big
babies” and that birth could be difficult. On it, one woman’s birth
story described how she found her contractions/surges were lasting
about 10 seconds, so she would count along and when she got to
6 she knew that not only would it abate but she was also nearly
there. I thought that sounded great and did it myself and it was
very helpful. I told Jonathan what I was doing and that he should
count along with me, though not out loud, just so I didn’t need to
be conscious of him looking at me and wondering if I was okay.
He tried to tell me that they were actually lasting 18 seconds but
psychologically I couldn’t take that so insisted we stick with 10!

I got him to ring the hospital at that stage, we did a bit of timing
of the surges and they seemed to be about a minute and a half
apart lasting 10 or 18 seconds, depending on if you were going
through them or watching! We didn’t do this with military precision
or anything, I was definitely a bit out of it or in the zone, as many
of my friends who are mothers have described it. The midwife said
that, if I could handle it, to stay where I was but feel free to come in
at any time. They also suggested two paracetamol, which I couldn’t
even contemplate. It just sounded ridiculous, though perhaps they
would have helped. I just stuck to my breathing.

128
 B R A IN

At this stage, I said to Jonathan that if this wasn’t labor and the surges
were only going to get worse and go on for ages, then I thought I
would get the epidural. I said, “Forget everything I’ve said before.”
He, of course, said whatever I wanted was fine with him. I suggested
we drive to the hospital now. I was kind of pacing around or going to
sit on the toilet and, while I still felt they were manageable, I worried
that if the surges were to worsen that I wouldn’t be able to sit or lie
comfortably in the car for the drive into town to the hospital and
once there I wouldn’t be able to converse with the nursing staff and
check in. I basically thought, let’s get any organization out of the way
so I can remain relaxed and focus on what’s going on with my body.

Just as we were about to leave, my phone rang. Jonathan was pulling

the car around to the front door. It was the hospital: they had just
gotten my chart and saw I’d been booked for a cesarean section so
asked me to come straight in. I was a bit breathless but was able to
say we were on the way.

So we drove in. It was comfortable enough, though when a surge

would come I would grip the handle and get Jonathan to drive really
slowly as bumps on the road were a bit iffy but then after 10 it would
pass and we would be chatting again, not idle chit chat now, but
talking and I was thanking him for being so great, it was all good.

We got to the hospital, got parking very close to the door, and walked
in. I had to stop for a quick 10 count on the way but that was grand.
Jonathan checked us in with reception and the lady sent us to the
assessment area.

A midwife came out and told us to wait in the waiting room. I didn’t
think I could handle other people, I knew it would make me self-
conscious when a surge would come, so when Jonathan confirmed
there were six other people in there I bailed into the toilet, locked
the door & waited there. I prayed Jonathan would understand
enough to come and get me when they were ready for me, rather

129
TRACY DONEGAN

than say, “She’s in the toilet” and wait longer but I shouldn’t have
doubted him, that’s exactly what he did.

I had a cold wet face cloth on the go from when we were at home
and I found it very helpful. In the car, during a surge or during a
break it was very soothing and relieving and gave you something
else to focus on. So it was just me and face cloth in the toilet until I
was called. I had a bit more mucus while in the toilet so when I got
into the assessment room I told the nurse. She told me to hop up
on the table for an examination. Again, I was very much in the zone,
a little out of it, but feeling fine, I hardly even felt the examination.
When the midwife told me I was 10cm dilated I was very surprised
but delighted. That is the labor jackpot!

Next thing I know a wheelchair was brought in and I remember

thinking, “Wheelchair good, not sure I could walk now” but again I
was feeling fine. The lights in the assessment room were quite bright
by my standards, I’m a bit of a vampire and like very dim lighting, so
I put the facecloth over my eyes, a top move, as it kept me cool and
calm and in my own little world. Hubby Jonathan just kept rotating
the facecloth, getting water from the cooler on the corridor and I
had one on my eyes and one on my chest; -I’d definitely recommend
that they go into every labor ward bag. He also had a sports bottle of
water, also kept cold and a straw - when you want a drink you only
want a sip or few and don’t really want to be handed a bottle, so
that’s another top tip.

I had the urge to bear down or push, so I was thinking to myself that
I was going to shock them all, I’d already reached 10cm quite quickly
or so it seemed and I thought, in moments this head is going to
pop out. It wasn’t quite like that, even though the surges remained
manageable; about two hours passed with little change.

The head midwife that night came in then and suggested breaking
my waters. Armed with the questions given to me by the GentleBirth
course, I asked why are we doing this, is there an alternative, what

130
 B R A IN

if we wait, and is the baby ok? They were perfectly fine with these
and it just let me feel that, whatever the next stage, at least I was
in control and ultimately making the decisions. The midwife just
explained that I had been at 10cm for a long time now and things
should be moving on. I had spent some of my time in the labor room
standing and wherever you go they put this sort of sanitary towel
mat under you and there had been spots of liquid on that. I told her
I thought my waters had already broken, but with my permission she
just used her hand (to be honest I didn’t even really feel it I was so
in the zone) and the waters came rushing out which actually gave
quite a bit of relief and I was like “Ah, so that’s the waters breaking.”

About an hour later (again I had no concept of time), I was starting

to get a bit fed up, I wasn’t in pain but I needed to know that there
was a means to an end here, that at some stage there would be a
crowning glory and a baby. My husband started to say he was hungry
and so tea and toast was brought in to him and he ate that in the
corner while I began to push (thank God I’d the facecloth clamped
over my eyes so I couldn’t see him dine, I was beginning to think of
how hungry I was).

The head midwife came back in, she was very nice and I really
trusted her but she was a bit of a military sergeant. I kind of needed
it but every time she came back she’d be moving things along, so
she ramped up my pushing. I told them I didn’t want to put my chin
to my chest but with their encouragement, (the toast muncher was
also back by my side swapping facecloths and offering water sips)
I began to push harder with their coaching. The midwife was saying
“Come on, come on, come on, three long pushes, that’s it,” all that
kind of thing and, to be honest, while I’m sure it helped I think I
would have liked to keep the calmness I had earlier; but, as I said, I
was as keen as they were to reach the finishing line.

The only time I felt a slight bit of pain was the stinging sensation as
the head began to crown, but as I had done the perineal massage
(not nearly as much as I should, I just did a few in a row over the last

131
TRACY DONEGAN

few days), I had felt the sensation before and was ready for it. But it
did sting and to push into it was tricky, but my team of two midwives
and hubby were very supportive and I knew baby was nearly here.
They explained that they’d just give me a local anesthetic in case of
a tear, again I didn’t feel that injection or the little tear (I needed two
stitches afterwards) but they asked me before they did everything.
Next thing I know, the head was out and it’s pretty much plain sailing
from there. Before you know it, the baby pops out and, after a quick

bit of suction; they placed our son on my chest. I had a little boy, the
birth I had wanted, a million miles from a section and all was great
in the world. He was born at 4:31 am, weighing 9.5 lbs, we’ve called
him Flynn and, while I am happy to enjoy our little man for now, I
would go through the whole process again in a heartbeat.

FACIAL EXPRESSIONS -
FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

“Sometimes your joy is the source of

your smile, but sometimes your smile can
be the source of your joy.”
–Thich Nhat Hanh–

Your emotional state and even your facial expression play a

significant role in how much pain you feel (and, believe it or not, you
can change your brain’s perception of pain just by smiling). Even if at
the time you don’t feel like smiling, just the act of smiling releases
happy hormones, your natural pain relievers into the bloodstream
muting pain. Smiling can relax the jaw, which is thought to relax the
pelvic floor. Smiling is also contagious (as is stress).

132
 B R A IN

The part of your brain that is responsible for smiling when happy
or mimicking another’s smile is in a part of the brain that has an
unconscious automatic response. In a Swedish study, subjects were
shown pictures of several emotions: joy, anger, fear, and surprise.
When the picture of someone smiling was presented, the researchers
asked the subjects to frown. Instead, they found that the facial
expressions went directly to the imitation of what subjects saw. It
took conscious effort to frown. So if you’re smiling at someone, it’s
likely they can’t help but smile back. If they don’t, they’re making a
conscious effort not to.

A study at Australia’s Flinders University found that that the pattern

of brain activity triggered by looking at an emoticon smiley face is
similar to when someone sees a real smiling human face.

New research also suggests that, when you frown during an

unpleasant procedure, you’re more likely to feel pain more intensely
than those who do not. Those who exhibited negative expressions
reported being in more pain than the other two groups. One scientist,
Michael Lewis, plans to study the effect that Botox injections have
on pain perception. “It’s possible that people may feel less pain if
they’re unable to express it,” he says. So are there fewer epidurals
and more Botox in our future?

“It seems that many health professionals

involved in antenatal care have not realized
that one of their roles should be to protect the
emotional state of pregnant women.”
–Michael Odent, M.D.–

133
TRACY DONEGAN

POWER POSITIONS
You’ve probably heard that being upright in active labor has lots
of advantages - you’re using gravity and movement to assist your
baby as he spirals through the pelvis. Moms who labor upright also
require less pain medication and babies have less fetal heart issues.
But did you know that it’s not just gravity that’s at work here, but a
mental state, too?

Think of how vulnerable and powerless you might feel when you’re
lying flat on your back (less than fully clothed) with strangers around
you. Pause for a moment and notice how that thought makes you
feel. Did you know that choosing a different position causes changes
in your hormones and behavior?

Studies suggest that just by moving into a “high power” position

(upright) you reduce cortisol (your stress response) and you increase
the hormone testosterone, which gives you a boost in confidence
and, in the words of one study, “increased feelings of power” - in
just two minutes. By simply changing your physical posture, you are
preparing your brain and body to handle the challenges of birth.
Think of the Wonder Woman pose for inspiration.

Having a difficult conversation with your obstetrician or a co-worker?

Nod and smile - nodding your head leads to more persuasion and
smiling relaxes your body and increases humor responses. Try it
with your partner the next time you’re having a disagreement.

YOUR MEERKAT AND THE

HEALTHCARE PROVIDER
Have you ever met someone you just didn’t “gel” with? You’ve no
reason that you can rationally think of why you shouldn’t get along
with this person. Yet you can’t put your finger on what it is that
bothers you about them, but something is off and you get a weird
vibe.

134
 B R A IN

Most staff will be very supportive on the day and really enjoy
working with GentleBirth moms but, in the event that they are not
“feeling the love” from your HCP, your birth partner can request a
new nurse (without letting mom know) and this is why: If your nurse
(or obstetrician) is smiling while reading your birth preferences
but rolling her eyes “on the inside,” the act of them suppressing
that emotion can in fact raise your blood pressure. That little over-
excitable friend, your mental meerkat, is very good at picking up other
peoples unconscious “micro-expressions” and, due to the plasticity
of your brain in pregnancy, expectant moms have a heightened
ability for this ‘super power’ (possibly to protect themselves and
their baby from a potential threat). So, while your HCP is trying to
hide an emotion, your meerkat is firing off alert signals because her
words are not in line with her initial micro-expression and your body
is alerting you to this. If changing your midwife/obstetrician isn’t an
option, then use your other tools to calm down the meerkat to keep
the oxytocin flowing. STOP and reframe - (maybe she’s having a bad
day or has been up all night with a teething baby).

THE SMELL OF FEAR

In pregnancy your sense of smell is heightened – and, during the
birth process, it’s bionic. Studies show that sweat from women
who have watched a violent movie smells differently (more like
aggression) than a neutral movie. Your mental meerkat has an
exceptional sense of smell.

BRAIN HACKING WITH YOUR SENSE OF SMELL

The use of essential oils can be very helpful in keeping your meerkat
in check on the big day to stop you picking up the wrong cues from
your midwife. Imagining certain smells also works, as the brain
reacts to a familiar imagined smell too. It’s difficult to study brain
changes in pregnant moms but, in studies of pregnant rats, there
is a significant increase in the areas of the brain associated with

135
TRACY DONEGAN

smell (olfactory system), which plays a major role in bonding after

birth. It changes significantly right after birth. Some medication,
such as Syntometrine given to deliver the placenta, has been shown
to impact this highly sensitive area so mom rats don’t recognize
their babies as well. We all know how the smell of our favorite food
cooking can make our mouths water or how the smell of the sea
air can transport us to our childhood by reminding us of wonderful
days at the beach.

Evidence has shown that different essential oils can affect mood,
blood pressure, perception of pain, and concentration. Japanese
research found that machine operators’ efficiency improved by
21% when the atmosphere was scented with lavender, by 33% when
jasmine was used, and by 54% with lemon (even when the staff
wasn’t consciously aware of the scent).

Our sense of smell is extremely sensitive and it is possible to

detect over 100,000 odors. When cells inside your nose capture
odor molecules, they signal changes in the brain. That’s why a smell
can quickly influence your entire body (in a positive or negative
way). Research even shows that vanilla reduces stress indicators in
premature infants in NICU.

In 2000, the largest study on the use of aromatherapy in childbirth

was published in the UK (Burns et al). Over 8,000 moms took
part in the study in a busy UK teaching hospital. The goal was to
examine whether aromatherapy improved mom’s coping ability,
reduced anxiety and perception of pain. Moms consistently rated
the administration of aromatherapy positively. Lavender and
frankincense were found to be most beneficial for reducing anxiety
fear and pain in labor. A 2014 study also recommends lavender
as an analgesic. Frankincense is wonderful for encouraging deep
breathing (keeping the meerkat in check).

Peppermint was found to be most helpful for relieving nausea and

vomiting during the birth process. It’s also a great tool to have in

136
 B R A IN

your toolkit for focus and stamina clary sage was used to encourage
surges in a slow labor.

Ways to use essential oils during birth:

• Labor pool
• Compress
• Diffuser
• Massage
• Droplet on pillow or clothing
• Inhalation over a steaming bowl

In one study, 635 moms applied lavender oil to their perineal area
after birth. The women reported a distinct improvement between
the third and fifth day. (The discomfort was the worst during this
same time for women who did not use lavender).

The dosage of essential oils for use in labor should be no more than
1 - 2% for massage and 4% for baths; for new moms, a 2-3% blend
can be used (4-5% in baths). All essential oils should be added to
a base or carrier oil. For each 5ml of base oil, the number of drops
added will be the same as the percentage blend required; e.g., for a
2% blend, two drops are needed.

For moms who have had a cesarean birth or perineal trauma,

essential oils such as lavender and tea tree can be used in the bath
as a preventative measure against wound infections. There is no
evidence to suggest that using these oils in the bath affects stitches
after a vaginal or cesarean birth.

For more information on the safe use of essential oils, talk to our
aromatherapy experts in the GentleBirth Facebook group. Avoid
using a diffuser close to the end of labor as your baby’s sense of
smell is heightened for bonding with you.

137
TRACY DONEGAN

**Note that in the UK 2000 study, aromatherapy was available

to all moms regardless of obstetric history, with the exception
of lavender oil for women who had asthma-related hay fever
and mothers with multiple allergies only used chamomile.**

GENTLEBIRTH MOM
“I am so pleased I found out about GentleBirthing before the birth
of my first child and that I used it again during my second labor. I
was uncomfortable, similar to the worst period pains ever, but not
to the point where at any time I felt I needed intervention or that
I couldn’t manage things. My only concern on my first labor was
that the hospital seemed unprepared for how my labor progressed;
it seemed that, because I wasn’t screaming out in pain, I wasn’t
displaying the signs of labor as expected and as a result wasn’t
moved to the labor ward until I was fully dilated and therefore I
missed the first strong contractions to push. However, the baby was
out 40 minutes later.

“On my second labor, I missed the signs myself and arrived at the
hospital just 40 minutes before the baby came out. I definitely don’t
think I have a high pain threshold, as I have asked about it, I believe
it was through a self-belief that I could do it that I did it.”

(This is why some medical staff call GentleBirthers ‘sneaky’ birthers).

RELAXATION AND BIRTH

Stop reading for a moment and think about how you feel when you
are relaxed. Happy, confident, calm, full of energy, not worrying, you
can cope with anything, life is good your blood pressure is normal,
your breathing is relaxed.

138
 B R A IN

So, by being relaxed in labor, you also have the benefits of all the
wonderful side effects that come with it.

YOUR BODY’S RESPONSE

TO FEAR AND ANXIETY
• Racing heart, panic, stress
• Shallow breathing
• Fight or flight response - blood is directed AWAY from
the uterus and your baby, causing muscle spasms in the
uterus
• Glucose release to fight/flee leaves mom tired

Sound familiar? If you replace the word uterus with heart in the
above scenario, you’d be experiencing a heart attack! Our heart beats
every day from early after conception until we die and it never hurts
until its blood supply is reduced. Similarly, when oxygen-rich blood
is redirected AWAY from our uterus (by the action of adrenaline and
fight or flight), labor HURTS even more. But there’s more to it than
that. Adrenaline is only one part of the puzzle.

YOUR BODY’S RESPONSE TO RELAXATION

• Increased levels of oxytocin (the hormone that helps
labor progress)
• Increased levels of endorphins (your natural epidural)
• Slower breathing
• Adequate blood and oxygen supply to the uterus and your
baby
• Uterine contractions are effective (the muscles are working
together)
• Shorter labor and reduced pain - feelings of wellbeing

Why is it that most animals seem to give birth relatively easily and
without a lot of drama? A cat will seek a private warm environment

139
TRACY DONEGAN

to birth her kittens and will even purr while giving birth. Even in the
wild, an animal that senses a predator will stop labor and won’t
give birth until it feels safe. What do they know that we don’t? They
certainly haven’t taken any prenatal classes and, as far as I know,
there hasn’t been a “feline” edition of What to Expect. I always enjoy
having families from a farming background or dog breeders in my
workshops because they get to see first-hand how the animals
in their care can usually labor easily and quietly when they are
undisturbed. Sometimes the farmer’s enthusiasm about how easy
natural birth is for other animals can be incredibly annoying to
their partner – so there’s always some fun banter to be had. When
a veterinarian joins the class the too understand that most of their
involvement is to just observe discretely from a distance, being
careful not to interrupt the process.

Next time you visit the zoo, ask the keepers about their protocol for
when one of their rare mammals is about to give birth. In most cases,
they observe by camera or from a distance so as not to disturb the
mother.

140
 B R A IN

SENSATIONS IN LABOR
Like many moms using GentleBirth for the first time, you probably
believe you have a really low pain threshold - you might think that
you just don’t “do” pain very well (brain bully alert)!

Many women do experience birth as painful, others experience

it as quite manageable, and some women even find it relatively
painless, but their experience of pain in other areas of their lives
rarely translates into how they cope during the birth of their baby.
Why assume you won’t be able to cope? When was the last time
you heard a woman talk about giving birth as an enjoyable and
manageable experience? (I hear it a lot!). And, if you did, what would
your reaction be? Probably that the men in white coats should be
along soon to take her away. Mothers who have comfortable births
are dismissed as lucky, liars, or delusional.

Women openly planning an unmedicated birth are smirked at with

knowing glances that say, “Just you wait…. you’ll be begging for an
epidural” and

are warned that “There are no medals for going without.” No doubt
you’ve heard about these amazing medals and root canals without
medication. Would you have an epidural because of strong period
pain? That’s how many GentleBirth moms experience most of their
labor. A common misconception for homebirth moms is that the
pain of labor is necessary and even empowering. Yes, pain is a great
communicator that directs your body movements but, in a normal,
healthy labor, extreme distress and pain (as seen on so many TV
shows and described in so much detail on every pregnancy online
discussion) do not have to be present.

PRIMING
Every day we are subjected to millions of messages and as we
absorb them they have a profound subconscious influence on how

141
TRACY DONEGAN

we behave. Advertising works, even when we’re not consciously

aware of it. Being exposed to certain words can influence how old
or how young we feel. In one study, participants walked slower after
being exposed to words associated with the elderly. There is also an
opposite effect for youthful words: participants walked an average
of 10% faster leaving the experiment. A few words can have a direct
effect on how we think and behave. You are unconsciously primed
to feel like a patient the minute you walk through the doors of a
hospital.

In GentleBirth we use a much softer language: we talk about

contractions or surges – some moms like the term ‘uterine waves’.
The word contraction creates an image in the mind of contracting,
constricting, and getting smaller but lots of moms still prefer to use
that term especially with care providers. I really think they should
rename them “expansions” because the body is opening up, not
closing up.

GentleBirth moms focus on releasing and relaxing. Waters don’t

“break,” they release; and mothers experience a birth show instead
of a bloody show.

The majority of GentleBirth moms describe their sensations during

active labor (generally the most intense stage) as uncomfortable.
Doula and childbirth educator Desiree Andrew says, “It is true
that naturally occurring labor can feel larger and greater than the
woman birthing. This is not so, as she creates from within the very
hormones that increase the strength, power, and frequency of her
work of labor. That is the good news: It is from her, for her, by her. It
is the might of creation moving through you.”

142
 B R A IN

PAIN ONLY EXISTS IN THE BRAIN

“What your brain is doing in labor is just as

important as what your body and baby are doing”
–Tracy Donegan–

In her book, Dynamic Positions in Birth, Margaret Jowitt

describes the uterus as a ‘3-dimensional trampoline’ and the
surges ‘fold’ baby back into the middle for the easiest birth.

Think about those trampolines with springy netting on the

side (to stop you falling out); those elastic walls force you back
into the center of the trampoline.

The muscles of the uterus like all muscles in the body were designed
to work comfortably. Saying that pain only exists in the brain is not
about dismissing or trivializing women’s very real experiences of
pain in labor. But as the research in pain science evolves we’re
discovering that we can use the brain to reduce all kinds of pain
including labor pain. Your brain is responding to information
received by the senses, your previous experiences, emotional state,
culture, focus and support will influence how much pain you feel
in a healthy normal labor. Basically the brain makes an educated
guess about and how much danger it believes you’re in and that
will either increase pain or reduce it. It might surprise you to learn
there are no pain receptors in the uterus – but there are nerves that
are activated by different kinds of stimulus ‘mechanical’ (pressure/
stretching), thermal (heat/cold) and chemicals (prostaglandins).
Toward the end of pregnancy, your body down-regulates almost all
of the nerves in the uterus as your body ramps up oxytocin receptors.

143
TRACY DONEGAN

These nerves do remain in the cervix but few remain in the uterus
itself. This information often has every mom in my class puzzled –
because if there are few to none of these nerves in the uterus why
do so many women experience labor in such a painful way?

Biology dictates that fear and anxiety increase adrenaline production

in the body, which then creates a physical reaction by activating the
fight/flight response. In preparation for defending itself, the body
starts redirecting blood flow away from our organs to the limbs. The
uterus is not a defensive organ and, just like the heart, cannot work
effectively, comfortably, and efficiently when blood is restricted and
the muscles spasm.

Each cell in your body has receptors - these are like locks and keys.
The cells are the locks and the keys are your hormones. Hormones
‘dock’ into these cells like a spacecraft docking with the space
station.

If oxytocin gets to the cells first, it’s like putting the key into the
ignition of your car: It starts the engine and gets things moving,
causing your uterus to surge effectively. If the adrenaline key gets to
the cell first, it blocks the ignition so the car is much harder to start
and keep running well.

When there is adrenaline present, your body’s built-in epidural

(endorphins) can’t co-exist and it slows the release of oxytocin
needed to help labor progress. It’s almost like driving with one foot
on the brake and one foot on the accelerator. Even women who plan
on unmedicated births prepare themselves to “embrace” the pain as
if it is inevitable. Midwife Jan Tritten describes it well…. “The battle is
in the mind - at birth, we are unblessed with a thinking mind.”

As adults, the mind is the biggest obstacle to a positive pregnancy

and birth. We listen to others, watch “Baby Story” on television, hear
of cesarean rates and the ease of epidurals, and completely lose

144
 B R A IN

our ability to do the task for which our bodies were supernaturally
designed.

I sometimes hear from midwives and childbirth educators who have

never witnessed a calm, focused GentleBirth that pain exists so that
mothers know they are about to give birth and they can get to a safe
place - so that their babies don’t just drop out on the supermarket
floor…

GentleBirth mothers experience sensations but, in most cases, it

is not perceived as unbearable, excruciating pain. These mothers
are very tuned in to what’s going on in their body as they are more
mindfully present to the sensations.

Another popular belief is that mothers who birth through painful

labors are somehow transformed into confident, strong, empowered
mothers. But what of the mothers who birth without discomfort? Are
they less empowered, less confident mothers? Is it pain in birth that
brings about this transformation in the mother or is it the experience
of being fully present in mind and body, birthing instinctively and
confidently that brings about new growth?

Extreme pain does not always exist in a healthy spontaneous birth

but, when there is pain, it’s trying to communicate something to
us. When you are calm and focused you can hear what your body
is telling you. Pain is communicating that there is something not
quite right that needs to be attended to. Sometimes it’s as simple
as adopting a different position to make yourself more comfortable
or shifting your pelvis around your baby as your baby rotates and
spirals within.

Neuroscientists suggest that pain in labor exists for the following

reasons:

• It provides feedback to drive changes (changing position,

moving).
• A protective sign that there ‘may’ be danger.

145
TRACY DONEGAN

• Drives help seeking behaviors (most moms will seek out

the support of their partner and midwife/OB.

PAIN IS AN OUTPUT OF THE

BRAIN – NOT THE UTERUS.
It’s an opinion of the brain, a best guess. That output is based
on context, on perception, and we all perceive things differently
including pain. Back to that Facebook debate about THE dress? A
study by Schlaffke et al. reported that individuals who saw the dress
as white and gold showed increased activity certain parts of the
brain associated with more sophisticated thinking (I’ll go with that
analysis!). Your brain is basically trying to decide is this something
we need to be worried about? If the brain concludes that yes this
is life threatening your pain will increase and if it concludes that it’s
something exciting the pain will decrease. So how you think about
labor pain will change how you experience labor.

“There is power that comes to women when they

give birth. They don’t ask for it, it simply invades
them. Accumulates like clouds on the horizon and
passes through, carrying the child with it.”
–Sheryl Feldman–

TWO APPROACHES TO PAIN IN LABOR

There are two very different approaches to pain in labor. There’s the
medical model that sees pain as associated with something going
wrong, damage to tissues and should be eliminated immediately.
The medical model doesn’t recognize that emotions, beliefs or
culture have any impact on how we experience pain. Then there’s
the ‘working with pain’ model that suggests pain is a normal part

146
 B R A IN

of labor and is productive, positive pain and women have the

resources to cope with it when they feel safe and well supported.
This model recognizes that emotions, thoughts and labor support
will impact our experiences of labor pain. Of course we can’t talk
about pain without talking about suffering. I agree 100% with the
medical model here – in this day and age given the resources we
have available in the modern world no woman should experience
suffering in labor and yet it happens more than we’d like to admit.
Pain can exist without suffering – when you are working hard during
labor but you’re focused and coping you’re not suffering. Suffering
happens when you feel overwhelmed, out of control and don’t have
the resources and/or support to cope. That’s why building your
labor toolkit in pregnancy is so important.

DIMS & SIMS

It has nothing to do with your Saturday night take out but an
innovative approach to understanding pain. In their ‘Explaining Pain’
work Neuroscientist Lorimar Mosely and David Butler have come up
with a creative approach to how the brain assesses signals from
the body. He calls them DIMS and SIMS. A DIM is something the
brain sees as a ‘danger in me message’ and a SIM is a ‘safety in me
message’. In labor is the brain producing more DIMS or SIMS?

DIMS and SIMS can be things you see or hear in labor, things
happening to your body, your beliefs, how safe you feel.

Moseley and Butler propose that you’ll experience more pain (DIMS)
when your brain comes to the conclusion that there is credible
evidence of DANGER (birth being very dangerous) than SIMS (birth
being normal and the sensations are associated with something
positive. What is it about stepping on Lego that sends the brain
into a frenzy of DIMs. Not even the biggest and best neuroscientists
have figured that one out.

147
TRACY DONEGAN

Go to your GentleBirth workbook now and take the DIM/SIM exercise.

When predicting which moms would need

medication in labor researchers found that above
all, pain catastrophizing was found to be the
strongest predictor of requests for pain relief.

WHAT DOES LABOR PAIN MEAN TO YOU -

THE STUFF OF NIGHTMARES
OR A CHALLENGE?
At this point you should be starting to see which model of pain
resonates most with you – the working with pain model or the
medical model of pain. As your pregnancy progresses you may
find you’re drawn to one more than the other. If you’re using the
GentleBirth App regularly you may find you’re feeling more positive
about unmedicated birth or feeling more confident about getting
further in labor without meds – but as always see how you feel on
the day. You might just surprise yourself!

I like to have moms imagine how they imagine themselves in

labor? When those thoughts pass your mind do you see yourself as
focused, working hard but coping or feeling distressed, distracted
and distraught? This might be a good time to complete the Mental
Rehearsal exercise in your workbook.

FEAR OF LABOR AND BIRTH

IS A LEARNED BEHAVIOR
Your brain is already trained (wired) for fear in labor (it’s a learned
behavior) – you weren’t born with the fear of birth. You learned it
over and over again. The brain evolved for survival, not happiness,

148
 B R A IN

so we have inherited some behaviors from thousands of years ago

such as the negativity bias which means your brain is always on
the lookout for threats. This old ‘legacy brain’ is like the factory
settings on your phone but thankfully, due to the extra plasticity in
pregnancy, we can do some DIY brain remodeling during pregnancy.
It’s like body sculpting but for your brain. You’re bulking up in some
areas (parts of the brain associated with decision making, positive
mood, emotion regulation, and slimming down other areas. At
GentleBirth, we’re all body positive but in this circumstance having
a skinny amygdala is a goal worth working toward. The less blood
flow this part of your brain gets the smaller it gets so you’re literally
shrinking your fear in a physical way.

A healthy expectant mom living in the developed world is rarely in

physical danger yet her amygdala (that smoke alarm) cannot tell the
difference between a piece of toast that’s burnt or the house is on
fire…it starts shrieking anyway. The amygdala can’t tell the difference
between an angry bear chasing you in labor and stressful thoughts
about labor and birth, financial worries etc. Your body reacts as if
you’re being chased by a real bear. In pregnancy, this panic, stress,
and the recurring hormonal cascade of adrenaline impact your
unborn baby too (chronic stress is a major contributor to preterm
and low weight babies in the US).

LEARNING TO ‘SWITCH’
Let’s talk about two important networks in the brain that can make
or break your pregnancy, birth and parenting experiences. You have
a ‘default mode’ and ‘focused mode’. Default Mode Network is what
we’re in about half of the day your mind is wandering and worrying.
The focused mode is called the ‘Task Positive Mode’ - that’s the
network of the brain that gets activated when you are focused on
what you’re doing.

Some examples of default mode would be when you read the same
page of a book and can’t remember what you just read. You’re

149
TRACY DONEGAN

worried about going to the dentist next week. You’re in a meeting

and thinking about the big proposal you have to finish up by the
end of the day and your colleague called in sick. You’re on your
phone scrolling through Facebook watching a movie at home and
you’ve no idea what’s going on in the movie.

Focused mode is when you are paying attention to your experience

right now. When you’re washing the dishes, you’re washing the
dishes – not thinking about that credit card bill. When you’re in
labor, you’re paying attention to your breathing or you’re focused
on movement - you’re not thinking about how long more it’s going
to take. Professional athletes spend a lot of time in focused mode.

At the GentleBirth workshop, you and your partner will learn more
about the ‘Switch’ technique and other strategies to instantly move
you out of default mode and into focused mode. The more often
you use each network, the bigger it grows and the research shows
that, the more time we spend in default mode, the greater the risk
of anxiety and depression. It’s a case of use it or lose it.

“Giving birth should be your greatest achievement,

not your greatest fear.”
–Jane Weideman–

PAIN AND THE BRAIN

Pain exists only in the brain and the brain decides what the
sensation means – something it perceives as good or bad (non-life-
threatening or life-threatening). How you’ve trained your brain will
influence whether your brain thinks the sensations of labor are to be
welcomed or avoided. We know this is true because of the ongoing
research on phantom limb pain experienced by amputees. Brain

150
 B R A IN

scientists have even written case studies on women’s experiences

of menstrual pain - after a hysterectomy.

Our experience of pain is determined

by several factors:
The fear of labor is a learned behavior - you learned it from family,
friends, and TV shows. Pain depends on how much danger your
brain “thinks” you are in, rather than how much pain actually exists.
Based on what you’ve learned about birth over the years, your brain
will react in an appropriate way.

Consider this scenario: At 41 weeks, a first time mom starts to

experience tightenings and sensations she has never experienced
before. The stretch receptors (there are very few pain receptors in
the uterus at full term) in the uterus sends a signal to the spinal
column like a relay race. It passes the signal up through the brain
to the thalamus, which acts like a relay station or a skilled air traffic
controller who decides where the signal goes next. On receipt of the
signal, the thalamus asks the pain committee how serious this signal
is - is it something we need to be worried about? For the majority
of expectant moms, the rest of the brain responds immediately with
“YES!! YES!! THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD, birth is all about blood and
tearing and pooping and being out of control and in horrible pain.
It’s just like that TV show we saw.” So your mental meerkat sends
an excitatory message back down to the uterus saying, “Keep it up,
keep it up!! This is something awful and we need to make this mom
take notice!” Just like the children’s story about Chicken Little, your
brain thinks the sky is falling.

GentleBirth moms usually have a different experience, especially

when labor starts on its own.

At 41 weeks, a GentleBirth first-time mom starts to experience

tightenings and sensations she has never experienced before. The
uterus sends the same signal to the spinal column, which like a

151
TRACY DONEGAN

relay race passes the signal up to the brain. On receipt of the signal
at the thalamus, the brain asks the pain committee how serious this
signal is…. is it something we need to be worried

about? The rest of the brain responds quite differently, saying

“Cool - this means the baby is coming and we’re so excited! This is
something really good.” Mental meerkat relaxes and says “Tell those
guys down below to CHILL OUT” - and sends an inhibitory signal
back to the uterus because these sensations are not something
we need to be worried about. (Adapted from the work of Professor
Lorimer Moseley).

“The exact amount or type of pain depends on many things.

One way to understand this is to consider that once a danger
message arrives at the brain, it has to answer a very important
question: “How dangerous is this really?” In order to respond,
the brain draws on every piece of credible information –
previous exposure, cultural influences, knowledge, other
sensory cues – the list is endless.” –Dr. Lorimer Moseley

Expectations or beliefs that a procedure will be painful amplifies

or turns up the perception of that sensation (it’s the brain trying
to predict the future again). Most GentleBirth moms experience the
sensations of birth as uncomfortable and intense (and powerful)
and most first-time moms who prefer to have an unmedicated birth
in the hospital do so successfully.

YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE –

EXCITED OR TERRIFIED?
Imagine you have just received the news that you have lost your job.
Panicked and in shock, you trip over a box in the hall and twist your
ankle - imagine the pain you might feel. Now imagine you have just
found out you won the lottery and, in your excitement, you jumped

152
 B R A IN

up and down and twisted your ankle. Which experience do you think
would be the most painful?

A GentleBirth mom recounted a story of how she tripped and broke

her ankle a week before her wedding. Immediately after the fall,
mom attempted to stand but she was restrained by her partner,
who insisted that she stay sitting. Mom felt she had a slight sprain
- nothing serious - how could it be, she was getting married in a
week? As she looked down, she realized her foot was hanging off
her leg at a very unusual angle, but she still insisted everyone was
over-reacting. She was embarrassed by the trip to the hospital in
the ambulance and spent the time apologizing to the paramedics
for wasting their time and wondering how she would finish up the
final wedding preparations with a sprained ankle. The ER doctor
informed mom that she had a tib/fib fracture (both bones of her
lower leg were broken) and she would need immediate surgery. As
the realization of her injury sank in and what this would mean for
her wedding, mom began to feel excruciating pain - pain that had
not existed moments earlier. Mom was so focused on her wedding
next week that the brain couldn’t process the pain signal.

The emotional state you are in determines how much pain you
experience (or if you even feel any). Depending on your emotional
state, your brain will interpret the information differently and with
less or more intensity. The calmer and more focused you are during
the birth process, the less intense the sensations can be and the
more manageable everything is.

How Much Attention You Give the Sensations

(or in GB speak – WTF – Where’s the Focus).
Brain imaging studies show that when we focus on painful sensations
the area of the brain associated with pain processing receives more
blood flow and the sensations are felt more intensely. However,
when participants are instructed to focus on music rather than the
painful stimulus, the intensity of the pain is significantly reduced.

153
TRACY DONEGAN

This is why it is so important to use your brain training during the

birth process if you find you need some help staying focused.

“People always say that pregnant women

have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re
sweating to death.”
–Jessica Simpson–

I CAN DO ANYTHING FOR A MINUTE

Sensations are subjective, I do not presume to tell you what your
labor will feel like. Every woman experiences labor differently.
GentleBirth does not promise pain-free birth; if you follow the
program and do the daily training, you will certainly feel calmer,
confident, and more in control which often translates into a more
manageable experience but more importantly you’ll have all the
tools you need for a positive birth. GentleBirth techniques are tools
intended to help you work with your body and stay connected to

154
 B R A IN

your baby with or without medication. The epidural is a wonderful

tool - but it’s just one of many - and you have lots of tools in your
GentleBirth labor toolkit.

Doula Jennifer Cook de Rosa brilliantly describes how manageable

birth can be. The thought of labor pain is scary. The fear alone
can be enough to choose medication (in the hospital parking lot
if available!) without considering how much you can manage and
how long it will last. Once you are in established labor, you will
experience sensations that come with regularity.

From the time a surge/uterine wave begins until the time the next
sensation begins will determine “how far apart” the surges are. Let’s
look at this more closely.

Surges are coming every three minutes and lasting for about one
minute. This means that, in one hour, you will experience surges for
20 minutes, and will be resting for 40 minutes.

A surge has an “up” (like the cycling uphill imagery earlier) when it
begins; a tightening. Then it has a “peak” where you feel its intensity,
and then it goes “down,” which is relaxing. About half of the surge is
“up” and about the other half is “down” with only a second or two
at the peak. Only half (the first half) of your surge will involve the
“discomfort.” The other half is relaxing.

Since you can estimate 20 minutes of the hour is spent surging, only
half of that time is spent on going “up.” In other words, 10 minutes
out of every hour!!

Make your mantra “I can do anything for one minute.” The “up” of
a surge will almost always be less than one minute except maybe
during the final minutes before birth.

By taking your surges one at a time and spending the remaining part
of your labor relaxing, you will find that labor can be manageable.
Be sure to relax completely between surges… let your body go totally

155
TRACY DONEGAN

loose and limp so you can conserve your energy, listen to your brain
training or favorite music, and breathe nice deep rhythmic breaths.

ACTIVE LABOR
Surges usually coming about five minutes apart, lasting 45 seconds
(23 seconds “up”);

55 minutes of rest, pressure felt for five minutes per hour (you can
handle that!)

Surges coming three minutes apart lasting 60 seconds (30 seconds

“up”); 50 minutes of rest, discomfort felt for 10 minutes per hour (10
minutes per hour…that’s all).

THE HOME STRETCH

Surges coming two minutes apart, lasting 90 seconds (45 seconds
“up”) 37 minutes of rest, intense sensations felt for 23 minutes
per hour and, at this point, you’re on the home stretch and will be
meeting your baby very soon.

“So the question remains. Is childbirth painful?

Yes. It can be, along with a thousand amazing
sensations for which we have yet to find
adequate language. Every birth is different,
and every woman’s experience and telling of her
story will be unique.”
–Marcie Macari–

156
 B R A IN

CREATIVE MIND GAMES

Hypnosis - It’s Not What You Think.

Hypnosis can help replace negative attitudes and emotions by
decreasing anxiety, tension, and panic before, during, and after
birth. Let me help you understand the logic behind hypnosis, your
subconscious mind, and your wonderful imagination. It is not pro-
or anti-religion.

The only way to change the ‘programs’ you already have (anxiety of
birth/ parenting) is to record over them. That’s where GentleBirth
comes in. You are recording over the old programs with new
programs and “upgrading” your mental software from fear to
confidence, both consciously with your mindfulness practice and
CBT and unconsciously with hypnosis. (BTW hypnosis is so much
easier than meditation).

The more you practice, the quicker the new programming takes
effect and you don’t have to think about it - it’s automatic.

Think about when you first learned to drive. Do you remember

consciously thinking of everything you had to do and what an effort
it was? After a while, you got more comfortable and it got easier; a
few weeks later, you were driving without having to think too hard.
Everything you’d been practicing so often became a subconscious
activity - no thinking required! As the GentleBirth programming
starts to take effect (within a week or so), you find your attitude
changing and your excitement growing. When you begin to feel
those first sensations of labor, all of your practice pays off as you
remain calm, confident, and in control.

157
TRACY DONEGAN

WHAT DOES HYPNOSIS FEEL LIKE?

In two words - very normal.

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming? When you’re

daydreaming or focused on that exciting new book you’re reading
or the latest episode of your favorite TV show, even though you are
perfectly aware of what’s going on around you, you’re in what’s called
a “light” trance. With GentleBirth, you are cocooned in confidence
and outside distractions just fade away into the distance. We go into
hypnotic states several times during the day and do not even know
it’s hypnosis. Watching TV is the most common form of hypnosis and
marketing companies are well aware of this.

The feeling of daydreaming is exactly what it’s like when you are
practicing self-hypnosis for birth. It’s like watching an interesting
movie one that you’re fully engrossed in and time passes quickly
and pleasantly. You experience an overall feeling of calmness
throughout your entire body. At all times you are totally aware of
what’s going on around you. You are in complete control and you
can communicate clearly and effectively with your birth partner and
- when the time comes for you to have your baby - with the medical
team supporting you. As a technique for complete body and mind
relaxation, which is really very important in childbirth, hypnosis is a
great tool to have in your labor toolkit.

WHAT’S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT

YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND?
You are aware of your conscious thinking but not aware of your
subconscious thinking, which makes up 90% of your mind but it is
running the show behind the scenes - just like the Wizard in “The
Wizard of Oz.” The subconscious is the part of the mind that we’re
working with for your GentleBirth.

158
 B R A IN

Your subconscious mind regulates all involuntary bodily functions,

including your heart rate, breathing, blood pressure, hormone
production and release (prostaglandins, endorphins, oxytocin, and
adrenaline), digestion, and the elimination system. The subconscious
mind is self-protecting. It has to be, because the subconscious is
the home of your ability to breathe, digest food, and pump your
heart… It will protect you from real or IMAGINED dangers. Think of
how your heart races and you sweat when you’re having a nightmare
- your mind is telling your body it’s real, even though you KNOW that
monster isn’t real (but your mental meerkat is sounding the alarm
anyway).

HOW THE MIND WORKS

Your conscious mind is the part of your brain where you make all
of your decisions - like what to have for dinner, or where to go
on vacation. It’s also the home of your short-term memory - your
current phone number, your current address.

We think it’s the conscious mind that’s in control when, in reality, it’s
just a small part. The larger part of the mind that controls all of your
bodily processes is run by the subconscious mind.

Your subconscious mind is also where your emotions (fear or

confidence) and your feelings are stored.

It’s also where your permanent memory is stored, so everything that

you have ever been told about childbirth over the years and the
images and emotions you have formed because of these influences
are stored within your subconscious mind. If you’ve heard nothing
but scary birth stories, that’s what your subconscious believes - and
that is your reality.

The brain and nervous system respond only to mental images. It

doesn’t matter if the image is imagined or real. While you’re watching
“Grey’s Anatomy” or “One Born Every Minute,” your mind thinks it’s

159
TRACY DONEGAN

real. Another way to think of it is imagining your subconscious being

like your computer hard drive. You have had various programs in
your mind since you were a child; some are good and some are not
so good. Hypnosis can be like doing a virus scan on your computer;
it finds any corrupt programs or programs you don’t need anymore
(negative beliefs about birth) and updates the old programs.

The subconscious mind is very lazy and won’t accept new “beliefs”
without constant repetition (that’s why following your daily brain
training is essential). In hypnosis, we do all the work with the
subconscious mind once we get past the “bouncers.” The skills you
are learning in the GentleBirth program should be practiced every
day for the best results.

Can you commit to 20-30 minutes of practice every day for the
biggest event of your life (keep in mind it’s 30 minutes cozy on the
couch or in bed drifting into the most relaxed state you’ve ever been
in)?

The subconscious mind is like a 2-year-old - it believes EVERYTHING,

whether it’s real or imagined. It doesn’t judge, rationalize or try to
make sense of it. If you are constantly watching scary birth shows
on TV or reading scary birth stories you are reinforcing to your
subconscious mind that long traumatic, distressing labors is a fact
and that is your reality. Just reading scary birth stories changes your
physiology. That’s why visualizing your calm, confident GentleBirth
is so important.

*Note this is not a birth preparation version of ‘The Secret’ – thinking

about an amazing birth does not guarantee it will happen but
you’ll definitely enjoy your pregnancy a lot more and you and your
baby will be exposed to a lot less of those stress hormones. Birth
is unpredictable - if things did change for you on the way would
you feel like you wasted all those weeks feeling uplifted, calm and
confident? Of course not.

160
 B R A IN

THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND –

WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS
Between the conscious and subconscious mind are filtering
mechanisms, or protectors. These are the “bouncers” or gatekeepers
that protect your subconscious mind. They are very selective about
what they let into the subconscious mind and they are also very lazy:
They only like to let in suggestions that are like the ones already
inside, such as the belief that birth is an ordeal. The only way we
can replace the negative birth beliefs is to get past the bouncers,
which is what we do in hypnosis. So we wait until they go on a break
(hypnosis) and we slip past and make the changes easily. We remove
fear and replace it with confidence. Once in hypnosis, the changes
happen easily. The conscious mind makes no judgments about the
new beliefs, it just runs the virus scan on your mind, updating it with
new and improved programs that work for your benefit. Combined
with mindful practice and actively challenging the birth bullies,
you’re shifting your perspective on birth completely.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR BIRTH?

Many women experience labor as an ordeal - in part because we
expect it to be like that. If the mind repeatedly expects something
negative to happen, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So,
if you expect an excruciating ordeal of pain, then that’s usually
what you get. If you expect it to be manageable and have prepared
well physically as well as mentally, you build up a positive mental
expectancy of childbirth and change the negative programs in your
“computer” (subconscious mind) and through hypnosis you upgrade
your subconscious thoughts to new confident feelings and imagery
about birth.

Using your imagination is like a birth “dress rehearsal” of the mind

and the big secret to having a positive birth is to imagine or picture
this happening over and over again. This is part of the conditioning
process.

161
TRACY DONEGAN

In a famous scientific experiment from the 1950s, a baby was

conditioned to be afraid of white objects simply by exposing the
baby to a loud noise and a white object at the same time. It only
took seven exposures for this newborn to “learn” to be afraid of
white objects (a coat, a dog, etc.). How many times have you been
exposed to scary birth stories episodes on “Grey’s Anatomy” or “One
Born Every Minute,” etc.? Most of us learned at a young age that birth
was something to be very afraid of.

Mental rehearsal is similar to methods employed by the greatest

athletes in the world. By using self-hypnosis techniques throughout
your pregnancy, you can change the old beliefs you have built up
over time by visualizing how you want your birth to be.

So when the time comes to give birth for real, your body and mind
are so familiar with the images of calm, relaxed childbirth that your
physical body reacts to these images automatically by completely
relaxing all your muscles and producing your own natural anesthesia
(endorphins).

During birth, it’s much easier for you to remain relaxed, calm, and in
control, because this is what you’ve retrained your body and mind
to do.

CAN I BE HYPNOTIZED?
You may be reading this and thinking that you’re too smart, analytical
or Type A to use hypnosis, but most people can be hypnotized if they
are willing participants and have a curious easy-going attitude to it;
but, as with any skill, some of us are better students than others.

Most people can be hypnotized. There are two main criteria for
success with hypnosis: - intelligence (you need to have an IQ
above 70), and the need to address any fears about hypnosis. You
obviously have no lack of intelligence and have an IQ above 70
or you wouldn’t have chosen the GentleBirth program. Fears are

162
 B R A IN

usually addressed through understanding how the mind works. If

you have any questions or need any clarification, please feel free
to contact me.

Another common misconception is that you are unconscious or

asleep during your GentleBirth. In hypnosis, you are, in fact, more
alert than during your normal state of awareness you hear the
suggestions in your training you decide if you like them and accept
them if you do.

You cannot get stuck in hypnosis; if you were listening to your

training and the doorbell rang, you’d either ignore it or go answer it.

Your brain training sessions are simply guiding you into a state of
self-hypnosis - which you’ll easily learn how to do yourself.

You have to WANT the suggestion to work … the word TRY will block
the suggestion, it means you have doubt. As Yoda says, “You must
do or not do - there is no try.”

During pregnancy, you are probably very conscious of what you put
in your body. Now it’s time to become more conscious of what you
put in your mind. Consider GentleBirth to be a mental and emotional
fitness program - and, just as with any fitness program, the more
you put into it, the more you will get out of it.

Each day you have a choice to choose to feel positive or not. It’s
always a choice. In preparation for your GentleBirth, we encourage
you to choose to focus on better-feeling thoughts. Just lean in
the direction of a better- feeling thought. This is not “Pollyanna”
thinking but “intelligent optimism,” which has documented health
benefits for you and your baby.

163
TRACY DONEGAN

USING POWER THOUGHTS AND AFFIRMATIONS

Imagination is everything.
It is the preview of life’s coming attractions.
–Albert Einstein–

What is an affirmation? An affirmation is basically anything you tell

yourself on a regular basis, both positive and negative, and, the
more often we say it to ourselves, the quicker it becomes a belief.
Imagine if you have a habit of saying to yourself that you’re not very
good at something. How often do you find yourself saying something
like “I’m always late,” “I’m so disorganized,” etc.? We tend to focus
on the negatives. Every word, action or behavior is an affirmation
because our thoughts and imagination create our reality. A positive
affirmation is a strong, positive statement that something is already
so. It is positive, personal to you, and in the present tense. The
more often you say it with the appropriate emotion, the sooner it
becomes a new belief.

HOW DO AFFIRMATIONS WORK?

Write a list of things you DO WANT for this birth and create positive
suggestions for yourself. It’s very easy to come up with the list of
things you DON’T want but what DO you want? What’s important to
you about this birth?

164
 B R A IN

Some suggestions for your birth affirmations;

I am calm confident and in control in all circumstances.

My baby is the perfect size for my body.

My labor is powerful – I am strong.

I release all fears and trust my body and my instincts.

I tune in to my body and tune out distractions. My baby is

healthy.

I am prepared for whatever path my birth shall take.

Positive affirmations are used to program your subconscious mind.

The continuous process of replacing the negative thoughts with
positive affirmations is essential.

It takes practice but it gets easier and it will positively affect every
aspect of your life. It might feel a little strange in the beginning, but
keep it up! You control your thoughts or they control you and you have
approximately 50,000 thoughts a day (most of them are repetitive).
By ignoring or challenging the negative thoughts, we are refusing
them energy. This is like not watering a plant. The plant eventually
dies from lack of water (attention and focus), like those brain
circuits. By continually changing the negative thought and affirming
the positive thought, we can form a new habit in the subconscious
mind within a few weeks. The old habit of thought dies because
we are not giving it energy, that old neural pathway in the brain
withers and dies as the new GentleBirth neural circuits grow bigger
and bigger with the new activity. By being aware of our negative
thoughts, we have the power to transform them into powerful tools
of change. Affirmations are far more effective when you can connect
a positive emotion with these power thoughts. Simply repeating a

165
TRACY DONEGAN

sentence day in and day out has limited impact. The brain responds
to emotion, - and will take those new affirmations on board if there
is an emotional component. Think of a time in your life when you
felt very in control, imagine that scene… where you were… bring up
those feelings as strongly as you can. Where do you feel it in your
body? As that emotion builds, repeat your affirmation to create that
link in the brain so the brain can associate that affirmation with
those feelings automatically. The subconscious mind is filled with
all sorts of old “programs” about birth that our parents and other
people programmed into us when we were young. So long as it’s
there, all this old programming from early childhood is controlling
your present life.

You control your mind or it controls you. Professional athletes have

known this for years and use visualization and positive self-talk
regularly. A study in the U.S. showed that athletes who use positive
self-talk are more likely to make the Olympic team than those who
don’t. Of course, we shouldn’t expect to be the ‘thought’ police and
have to monitor every thought we have. The easiest way to know
if your thoughts are positive or negative is by how you feel. Your
feelings are like a GPS or an emotional satellite navigation system in
your car. When you are thinking about something positive, you feel
good, and when you’re thinking about something negative, you feel
bad. It’s that easy!

Is what I’m focused on now making me more excited or more

anxious about my baby’s birth?

166
 B R A IN

“The whole point of woman-centered birth is the

knowledge that a woman is the birth power source.
She may need, and deserve, help,
but in essence, she always had, currently has,
and will have the power.”
–Heather McCue–

I CAN DO THIS - EXERCISE

As you intentionally bring up memories of achievement in your
life, you are creating powerful connections in the brain. One of the
biggest predictors of achieving a goal in any area of your life is a
previous track record of success in any area. In other words, we don’t
have to have faced the same challenge before to feel confident that
we can deal with what we’re facing now. Resilience comes with that
feeling of knowing that you have been successful in the past and
can be successful again in the future. Don’t focus on what you did
but how you felt when you realized that you had done it. It can be
anything at all - something you feel good about when you think of
it - that feeling of “I did it.” Go on and let yourself take some time
for some personal bragging - it’s all in the name of science and your
positive birth. As you bring up these memories of a time when you
coped really well with some event in your life, you are intentionally
calming down any mental meerkat activity.

If your birth partner is supportive, encourage that partner to come

up with some birth affirmations for himself/herself for his role as
birth partner, new parent, etc.

Some suggestions for birth partner affirmations:

• I remain calm, confident and focused as I support my

partner through each phase of labor.

167
TRACY DONEGAN

• I am confident in our plans for our birth and in my ability

to convey them to our caregivers.
• I know my partner is capable of giving birth in a healthy,
safe and peaceful manner.
• I know that I will respond to her needs and requests with
our baby’s best interest in mind.

BIRTH STORY
They Told Me I Was Too Calm to Be in Labor
I didn’t listen to the App during labor because I was told in the
hospital I wasn’t in labor. I went to the hospital at 2 pm with broken
waters, I was told I would be induced the following day if I didn’t go
into labor. I thought I was in labor with the surges I was having and
the nurse told me they were just like strong menstrual cramps, I
wouldn’t be so calm and be able to talk…..

During the ‘menstrual cramps,’ as they called them, I would repeat in

my head “I can do anything for a minute and I know how to birth and
my baby knows,” and did reiki on myself. The nurse told my fiancé
to go home at 1am to rest before my induction, it was going to be
a long day. I never had a vaginal examination to check my dilation.
The baby’s heart rate was checked when I arrived at hospital and
was high, they checked it again when I went to the ward around 5pm
and not sure when the next one was, think about 9pm, the time got
lost in my head after 7pm. After my fiancé left, the pressure from the
surges got more intense and I felt nauseous. I walked to the nurse’s
station and asked for a sick bag. I felt as if I need the toilet and to
push but was sharing a ward with five other women that needed
the bathroom. I rang for the nurse and a different midwife came. I
was leaning at the window and said can I get a Motrin. She asked
me what my last dilation was. Told her I was never examined. My
midwife came and asked what the problem was. I told her I need to
push and she asked would I like a shower or to sit on the birth ball!!

168
 B R A IN

The other midwife said, “I think this baby is doing super things and
fast.” Then, with the next surge, I squatted and grunted. The midwife
went running out of the ward, yelling “Get my girl a room!” She came
back and told me I better ring my husband. He said he got the call
at 2am. The other midwife had got a wheelchair. I said I had to walk;
I couldn’t sit. So I walked to the delivery room, leaned over the bed;
then they said get on the bed, put on the monitor and the baby was
in distress and I was 10cm. An OB came and asked had I just come in
like this and called for vacuum and forceps. She introduced herself
and said there was going to be a lot of people coming into the room.
There was people shouting “Push!” and I had no contractions so I
didn’t, I was in my own world, focused on my own surges and pushing
when they heightened. Then I heard head was out, shoulders out,
body, and I was looking into blues eyes screaming at me. Lucky my
fiancé and I live five minutes drive that he made it and cut the
cord. Baby Adam was born at 2:26am, 26 minutes after I rang my
fiancé. Adam had a scratch on his head and cord bloods checked,
and doctor looked over him, he had been 15 minutes in distress that
they knew of. But he scored 9 on APGAR. Then the questions started,
the OB asked what my method was, I had been doing hypnobirthing
or some method because she could see it in me. What was my diet,
the bloods were some of the best she has ever seen. What exercise I
did because only for the distress I had an episiotomy but I wouldn’t
have torn. She said I was built to give birth and that all my efforts
with diet, exercise, acupuncture, and GentleBirth stood to me that
night. Only for my efforts and ability to focu,s keep calm and do what
I had to she predicted there would have been a different outcome.
Adam stayed with me and my fiancé and didn’t require neonatal. All
my work had paid off. She told all the staff to congratulate me. And
told my fiancé I did an amazing job and she knows my baby would
be thanking me. Everyone I’ve told my story to knows someone that
is pregnant and scared of labor and I have recommended going
to your website. And they are amazed I walked in and out of the
delivery room, in my ward of four, I was the only natural birth and
my baby was so alert compared to the other babies there. He never

169
TRACY DONEGAN

left my side and I could walk around with him, I never felt any pain
and was on a high for days. It never seemed as if I had just had a
baby. Next time in bold type I will have on top of my birth plan ‘I
HAVE DONE GENTLEBIRTH, LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY I’M IN LABOR!’

• “I had my second gentle birth nearly four weeks ago. I

was in the prenatal ward already when I went into labor
and I keep remembering this interaction with the midwife
who had just started her rounds. I walked down the room
and asked her if she’d come check on me, she replied,
yes hon, I’ll get to everyone don’t worry. I said no I think
things are happening, can you check me now, please. So
she puts me on the trace and can see the contractions so
she examines me. The look on her face as she tells me I
was 5cm. I bet she never had someone at 5cm walk up to
her before! Thanks to gentle birth for keeping me so calm
and helping me to trust my body and my baby”
• “I walked into the labor ward, went to the midwife and
told her I’m in labor. She laughed at me and said, ‘You
wouldn’t be able to tell me you were in labor if it was true’.
My husband got annoyed and asked if they can check, she
said okay, she put a monitor on, saw how frequently I was
getting contractions … eventually started believing me...
decided to check more, I was 6cm dilated and had my first
baby boy two hours later!”

THE LAWS OF THE MIND

Every Thought Causes a Physical Reaction

Take a moment or two and think of a really embarrassing experience

from your past and notice how your body reacts just to the memory
of the experience.

Your heart rate may increase; your face might even become flushed.
Your thoughts affect all of the functions of your body. Constant

170
 B R A IN

worrying creates excess acid in the stomach, which often leads to

digestive issues. When you are angry or upset, you stimulate your
adrenal glands and the increased adrenaline in the bloodstream
causes body changes, including reduced immune function and
increased tension. Anxiety and fear increase your pulse rate and
breathing and they direct blood to your arms and legs (fight or
flight) and shut down digestion. Thoughts of your favorite foods
start your tummy rumbling and your mouth begins to water. Sexual
thoughts ...you get the picture. These are just examples of the mind-
body connection.

You Get What You Expect (that fortune telling brain again).

The subconscious mind responds only to mental images (images of

scary births or GentleBirths). It does not matter if the image is real
or not. The mental image formed when you were younger becomes
the blueprint and the subconscious mind uses every means at its
disposal to carry out the plan. Worrying is the repeated programming
of an image you do not want.

The subconscious (not knowing the difference between a real or

imagined image) acts to fulfill the imagined situation and “The
things I feared most have happened.” With the above law in mind,
the statement takes on new meaning.

YOUR IMAGINATION IS MORE

POWERFUL THAN KNOWLEDGE
The mind works best with imagery. Images are the language of the
subconscious mind. Those images will always override what you
think. Reason is easily overruled by your own imagination. You’ve
probably spent a lot of time imagining what childbirth will be like;
were any of those images positive ones?

Any thoughts that are accompanied by a strong emotion e.g. fear,

generally can’t be changed through the use of reason. (Even though

171
TRACY DONEGAN

we know factually that birth is quite safe in the Western world, it’s
still frightening for so many).

This is one of the reasons why GentleBirth works so well. You are
reducing anxiety and creating a positive expectation that birth can
be empowering and positive, no matter what happens on the day.

ONLY ONE IDEA OR EMOTION CAN

BE EXPERIENCED AT A TIME
This does not mean more than one idea or feeling cannot be
remembered or held in your memory. You can choose to focus on
negative thoughts or be aware of your thoughts and change them
when you realize you’re having a negative thought. You can think
of your partner lovingly in one moment and then remember a time
that they upset you and the feeling may not be so “loving,” but you
can’t experience both emotions simultaneously. This can be helpful
to the STOP technique, too. Try to feel appreciation in that moment
and you’ll change the way you react and the chemical cascade that
started when the driver cut you off. You get to choose to continue
the negative thinking or change the thought and emotion associated
with that event. You take charge of your emotional spotlight. The
brain simply doesn’t have the bandwidth to process competing
signals.

“GentleBirth was fantastic. I felt totally in control and calm and

ready. The hospital completely adhered to my birth plan and
the midwife did as asked and didn’t offer me anything other
than support and her hand to squeeze! It was very quick and
was painful but my body did what it was supposed to do and
when baby emerged I was totally pain-free walking around, in
and out of shower and baby on boob in no time!”

172
 B R A IN

HYPNOSIS TRAINING
Before we get started, there are a few things to remind you of. The
most important thing is that hypnosis is a state of mind that requires
your full participation. It’s not a nice story that you’re listening to in
the App or if you’re using the exercises at the back of the book. When
I ask you to imagine or visualize something, really imagine it. Do
not drive while following your brain training unless they specifically
state they are safe to use while driving. Choose different times of
day to listen to the program (not just at 10 pm at night when you’re
in your favorite PJs in clean sheets). We don’t want you creating
a conditioned response that you can ONLY get that relaxed when
you’re in those PJs late at night in the fresh sheets. Find a place
where you can get comfortable. Let yourself focus on the program.
Let go of any other thoughts of the day.

Make yourself a priority for this time. I want you to be completely

engrossed in my words, to begin with, as you would be in an
interesting movie. You’ll find that your mind wanders and that’s fine
(it’s so much easier than meditation). You may find your hands get
tingly or heavy. Many moms experience time distortion 30 minutes
seems to feel like 10 minutes. When you have been practicing for
at least two weeks, it’s fine to use your hypnosis brain training
while doing something repetitive, such as ironing or even going
out walking, but do commit to spending that time each day on you.
Some moms report feeling emotional - this is a good sign - the
new programs are taking hold but still bumping up against the old,
long-held beliefs. You may find your eyes fluttering; some moms
feel warmer.

You may also notice that your breathing slows down to a nice
comfortable rate. Many moms say they feel better during their
practice time than they ever have.

You’ll find you sleep more deeply than ever before.

173
TRACY DONEGAN

Whatever the signs, these are all indicators that you are responding
to hypnosis really well. You will find yourself feeling more confident
after your daily session. If you’re wondering if hypnosis is real or not,
let’s look at that now: Have you ever been driving and missed the turn
because you were daydreaming? Have you ever been so engrossed
in a movie that you screamed when a scary part happened or cried
during a sad part? (Who hasn’t cried during the movie “E.T.”?)

As mentioned earlier, you should think of GentleBirth as a mental

and emotional fitness program, but this is a fitness program where
you see the results immediately. They are skills that can last a
lifetime, as long as you choose to use them. Most moms start to feel
more confident and relaxed within a few days of starting their brain
training.

Take a really easy-going attitude to your practice but make a

commitment to following it daily.

If you don’t experience what you think you should experience, just
relax and go with the flow. Just listen to the words, dim the lights
loosen your clothing, take your shoes off, get comfortable. This is
YOUR time. Allow yourself to be 100% committed to preparing for
your baby’s birth. As with any fitness program, the more you put into
this, the more you’ll get out of it and hypnosis training is so much
easier than mindfulness, which demands ongoing continued focus.

Enjoy your hypnosis training - you’re already on your way to feeling

calmer, more confident, and more in control in all areas of your life.
If you haven’t started already, this is the perfect time. All you have
to do to is open, play, smile, repeat.

174
 B R A IN

HIGH-TECH BIRTH

Virtual Reality
Technology is changing our world in ways nobody could have
imagined. 10 years on no one could have predicted how reliant we
would become on our little palm-sized devices called smartphones
that have become such a huge part of our lives. Apps followed
and now there’s an App for everything. If you’ve been to one of
my workshops, I’ve been talking about VR, distraction, and pain
perception for years (Snow World and the penguin snowball game). I
met Hunter Hoffman, the creator of Snow World, at a recent Stanford
VR conference. Hunter pioneered the use of VR for acute pain in
children with severe burns with incredible results.

Angry Birds Anesthesia -

Will Fruit Ninja Replace Fentanyl?
A few years ago, I witnessed a very quick and seemingly comfortable
birth with mom using only a Playstation DS for pain relief. Mom
was completely engrossed in her game and as her brain can only
process a limited number of signals – pain signals were significantly
reduced. We already know that smartphone Apps can train your
brain for less anxiety – but with the advances of VR, pain reduction
in labor is now a reality.

Virtual Reality Birth

For some women, VR may be extremely effective for labor and it
looks like we may have more answers in the near future from ongoing
research. In 2016, Erin Martucci relaxed on a virtual tropical beach
as she labored in a New York hospital supported by her OB with no
medication. One hospital in Arizona recently started a study for pain
management in labor and a study comparing perineal repair with
analgesic, and VR was very positive with moms feeling significantly

175
TRACY DONEGAN

less pain. A 2017 study in Wisconsin proved to be very successful for

first time moms planning an unmedicated birth.

With all of this impressive new research, it makes sense that trials
are beginning for the use of VR for labor pain and anxiety (before
or during labor). The brain has limited ‘bandwidth’ and can only
focus on one stimulus at a time, so combining relaxing imagery with
positive suggestions and sounds of nature can significantly reduce
pain. We know that anxiety and fear in pregnancy increase pain
in labor (and even complications) - so why not use technology to
change that as part of your birth preparation. Some psychologists
have been using VR for several years to help patients overcome
phobias and extreme anxiety - birth preparation could be much
more enjoyable when experiencing it by a beautiful lake at sunset
or while sitting on a tropical beach.

176
 B R A IN

BREATHING TECHNIQUES
You may be surprised to learn that there don’t have to be any
complicated breathing techniques for childbirth. That’s right, no
counting, just slow focused breathing. When you are in a relaxed
state, you don’t need any techniques. Full abdominal belly breathing
is our normal state when we arrive in the world but stress changes
it quickly. Think of a time when you ran up a flight of stairs - at what
point did you think to yourself, “I now need to redirect my blood flow
and change my breathing pattern to oxygenate my muscles” or did
all of this happen automatically? Your very clever body just adjusted
your rate of respiration to the work of your body. When there is
no excessive adrenaline in the first stage of the birth process and
you are calm and focused, your body will do the same. Only when
you lose focus or get stressed do we need to introduce any kind of
breathing techniques that you’ll be learning in your brain training.
They are simply another tool in your labor toolkit to use if needed.
Having a wobbly moment – slow down the breathing. Be sure your
partner knows this too.

Imagine you have a nose on your bump to remind yourself to breathe

all the way down to your baby. Here are some simple reminders for
slow relaxed breathing during your practice and during your baby’s
birth.

SIMPLE BREATHING MEDITATION

I know I just said we won’t bother with counting when it comes to
breathing but this is a mindful breathing practice so the counting
can help you be more aware of how often your mind wanders. Today
each time you get stuck at a red light or feel the need for a bathroom
break take 3 deep breaths. Notice the sensation of the air entering
your nose or the feeling of your belly expanding as you breathe
in and the sensations of the air leaving your body. Just let your
body breathe you. Try to stay with it gently. Like a puppy on a leash,
your mind will want to bounce around so sometimes counting your

177
TRACY DONEGAN

breaths can be helpful in this exercise. Start at 1 with the in breath

and 2 for the out breath…and count to 10 slowly. As you become
aware of your puppy mind chasing other thoughts simply start over
again with 1. The most important aspect of this exercise is not to get
to 10 perfectly every time but to be gentle with yourself and non-
judgmental when you find your puppy mind has gone off chasing
cars (thoughts). As you practice this exercise you are training your
mind to stay focused on one thing at a time and be present on
purpose. This is a great exercise to use after your baby is born too.

The average adult takes between 12 and 20 breaths while resting,

depending on your emotional state and fitness level. As you breathe
in, your heart rate speeds up and, as you breathe out, your heart
slows down. Simply by lengthening your outbreath, you can optimize
that relaxation response. Time yourself, whatever your current rate
of respiration, make a commitment to yourself to practice slow
comfortable breathing over the next few weeks and try to bring that
number down. Some moms find it helpful to focus on a word, e.g.,
“Relax.” Focus on the ‘Re” when breathing in and “Laaaaaax” when
exhaling or try counting (you’ll find that in the App).

THE JUST-IN-FROM-WORK BREATH

If like most GentleBirth moms, you’re holding down a full-time job
(at home or outside the home) and growing a baby, you’ll already
have lots of practice with this breathing technique. It’s that long
outbreath that you take as you finally put your feet up after a long
day.

Slow Breathing
Slow breathing, just like it says, is slow easy breathing as you move
into a stronger rhythm of birth.

178
 B R A IN

Birth Breathing
The eye-popping, purple-faced pushing often seen on TV is no longer
recommended. Long periods of holding the breath restrict oxygen to
your baby and exhausts mothers. The uterus is a smooth muscle;
this means that you have no conscious control over it, unlike the
muscles of your arms and legs that you can flex at will. It’s similar
to other areas of smooth muscle in your body, such as the inside of
your stomach and intestines. Smooth muscle is also found in your
blood vessels. All smooth muscles have one important function:
They squeeze your blood, waste, food and yes, even your baby along
its path.

You didn’t have to consciously move your sandwich down into your
stomach and through your intestines; it’s all involuntary. As your
cervix thins and opens, the opposite is happening to the top of your
uterus (fundus): The top of the uterus grows thicker.

Think of your uterus as a tube of toothpaste that has to be rolled up

behind the toothpaste to get the last bit out - or an image I love is
to imagine the uterus like a big icing bag and it’s smoothly pushing
the pink icing out through the funnel. Even the walls of the birth
path act differently during a surge compared to the relaxed state
between surges. When relaxed between surges, the interior walls
of the birth path look like folds of pink tissue; they look corrugated
and, during a surge, these walls stretch out to look like a smooth
pink slippery slide. Will the corrugated or smooth pathway make it
easier for your baby to move closer to being in your arms? When we
think of the birth process and hear of labors lasting days, it almost
seems like your baby is arriving from deepest darkest Peru! In fact,
the distance your baby has to travel is about the length of your
middle finger.

When your body opens to full dilation, your uterus gently moves
down behind your baby and starts to involuntarily nudge your baby
down the short birth path. As this is happening, you begin to feel a

179
TRACY DONEGAN

new sensation of pressure in your back passage, as if you need to go

to the bathroom. Our instincts are to immediately hold everything
and panic because God forbid that we are going to poop in labor! It
means that your baby is very close to being born. (As a midwife I can
tell you when I see poop - I’m happy!) It’s gone in a flash and not
something to worry about at all. Baby is on the way.

Birth breathing means working with your own urges and only nudging
your baby down when it feels right for you letting your body do the
work. Some nurses still coach moms to hold their breath and “push
into your bum.” We are the only mammal that does this and we’re
now realizing that it is not beneficial to moms or babies. Have you
ever seen a dog barking at another dog having puppies to hold their
breath and push into their bums!

“Women’s bodies have near-perfect knowledge

of childbirth; it’s when their brains get involved
that things can go wrong.”
–Peggy Vincent–

180
BODY

YOUR PELVIC FLOOR

Looking after your pelvic floor now, before you give birth, can save you
weeks, months, and even years of problems, such as incontinence
(leaking urine when you sneeze or cough). It can also mean the
difference between getting your “groove” back in the bedroom in a
few weeks OR a few months. The pelvic floor is made up of a sling-
like band of muscles at the base of the pelvis, attached to the area
of the outlet. These surround the anus, vagina, and urethra in a
double figure-eight pattern.

These muscles support all the woman’s pelvic and abdominal

contents, and the baby passes through them during birth.

BENEFITS OF HAVING WELL-TONED

PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLES
• Helps your baby descend during the second stage of labor.
• Prevents stress incontinence.
• Can increase sexual satisfaction.
• Can prevent prolapse of pelvic organs.
• Helps the perineum to heal faster after birth.

181
TRACY DONEGAN

YOUR PELVIC FLOOR

We have all heard of the “pelvic floor,” but what exactly is it? The
pelvic floor refers to the muscles of your pelvis, whereas the pelvic
girdle refers to the bones. When we put our hands on our hips, we
are actually putting them on the top of the pelvis, the iliac crests.
The word pelvis comes from the Latin for “basin” and it can be
helpful to visualize the bones of the pelvis as the “walls” and the
pelvic floor muscles as the base.

There are three layers of pelvic floor muscles, running from the
tailbone (the coccyx) to the pubic bones at the front.

There are three openings or sphincters in the female pelvic floor,

one each for the bladder (the urethra), the uterus (the vagina) and
the bowel/rectum (the anus).

The pelvic floor muscles have a number of functions, including

controlling the opening and closing of these sphincters. They also
support your pelvic organs (your bladder, uterus, and bowels) and
help maintain strength and stability in your lower back, along with
your lower abdominal muscles. The pelvic floor and deep abdominal
muscles are commonly referred to as your “core” muscles.

182
 BODY

During pregnancy, the pelvic floor muscles have to work hard to

support the weight of your growing baby, to maintain control over
your bladder and bowel so you don’t leak, and also to help stabilize
your lower back and pelvic girdle - the bony structures of your pelvic
region. The pelvic floor muscles also have a role to play in sexual
function - they have to relax enough to allow penetration into the
vagina and then contract during orgasm. As your baby moves down
and out through the vagina, it’s important that you know how to find
and relax these muscles, because they need to be flexible enough
to stretch to allow baby out.

There can be a lot of conflicting advice over whether or not to do

strengthening exercises for the pelvic floor - some women do need
to strengthen the PF muscles, but most women just need to learn
how to coordinate them - as with any muscles, if we just practice
tightening and strengthening, this can lead to inflexibility and
stiffness - not ideal for birth!

BENEFITS OF PELVIC FLOOR COORDINATION

• Improves control and prevents leaking from the bladder
and/or anus during pregnancy and after delivery
• May help reduce tearing, especially when combined with
perineal massage
• Improves sexual enjoyment during and after pregnancy
• Reduces back pain during and after pregnancy
• Easier bowel movements
• Faster recovery after birth

HOW TO DO KEGELS CORRECTLY

Research has shown that the best way to contract your PF muscles is
to close the openings and then lift up and in. It is not a good idea to
stop and start mid-stream when you are urinating, as this can lead
to bladder problems and infections.

183
TRACY DONEGAN

Most of your PF muscles are actually located toward the back of

your pelvis, so it can be easier to start by imagining you are trying to
stop yourself from passing gas.

Always start by relaxing! Take a deep breath in and, as you exhale,

relax all the muscles around your pelvic floor.

Take another breath in and, as you exhale, try to close the openings
of your pelvic floor, then imagine you are lifting up and in - think of
an escalator moving from your tailbone toward your pubic bone at
the front of your pelvis.

Hold the muscles up and in as you breathe.

Then (and this is the most important part) let the muscles relax
again completely.

WHAT IF I STILL HAVE PROBLEMS

FINDING THE MUSCLES?
Try some of the following exercises and see if any of them help you
get a proper contraction:

Try sitting close to the edge of a hard kitchen chair and imagine
lifting your pelvic floor off the chair surface.

Imagine lifting a marble into your vagina (just imagine!)

Sitting in a chair, place your fist or a rolled-up towel between your

knees. Lean forward a little and take a breath in and out to relax. On
your next exhale, squeeze your knees together and see if you can
carry that tightening all the way up to your pelvic floor. Don’t hold
your breath as you do this! Don’t work too hard when you are doing
your PF exercises! Putting too much effort into a pelvic floor muscle
contraction can actually lead to the wrong kind of contraction, which
is called a “Valsalva” maneuver. A Valsalva maneuver is a bearing
down technique similar to having a bowel movement when you are

184
 BODY

constipated (if you are doing your Kegels correctly, there should be a
lifting up, not a bearing down). If you are having difficulty performing
a Kegel, put only 50% effort into each contraction, go slowly and
gently, and use your breath. Your PF muscles automatically contract
a little with every exhale, so exhale with the contraction when you
are doing your exercises. You are much more likely to achieve the
correct type of contraction this way. And, as always, don’t forget to
keep breathing through the exercises and always relax your pelvic
floor afterward.

HOW OFTEN SHOULD I DO MY PF EXERCISES?

There is no evidence to suggest that there is a “magic number” of
repetitions. Some guidelines suggest doing 10 slow contractions
(where you contract the pelvic floor for up to 10 seconds) and 10
fast contractions (where you squeeze and quickly release, squeeze
and quickly release, etc.) anywhere from three to eight times a day.

The key seems to be doing your exercises (and not forgetting to

actively relax the muscles) little and often throughout the day. Some
women find it easier to remember to do them after each meal,
others when they hear an ad break on the radio or TV or when they
hear a phone ring. Try and find a “trigger” that happens regularly
throughout your day, such as flushing the toilet or washing your
hands.

TOILETING TECHNIQUE
Practicing coordinating using your PF muscles when you are having
a bowel movement is an excellent practice for birth! During labor
and birth, the ideal is to be able to use the breath and abdominal
muscles to help baby down and out when you feel the urge (but
never by holding your breath to push) but to keep the PF muscles
relaxed when you are doing this. Every bowel movement can be a
mini-rehearsal for birth.

185
TRACY DONEGAN

You should never hold your breath to push during a bowel movement
- even if you are constipated.

When you are having a bowel movement, it’s ideal to have a small
stool or step that you can rest your feet on, so that your hips are
slightly and comfortably higher than your hips.

Lean forward so your elbows are resting on your knees.

Push out your belly, as if you are trying to make your waist bigger.

Take a breath in and, as you exhale, relax and soften around your
anus.

Keep breathing deeply in through your nose and out slowly through
your mouth as if you are smelling the flowers and blowing out the
candles.

The digestive tract starts at the mouth and ends at the anal opening,
so be sure to relax both ends of the tube. Place your tongue on the
roof of your mouth with your teeth separated. This helps relax your
mouth and will help to relax the anus at the same time

As you feel the feces moving down and out, keep breathing and give
a grunt (or try using other sounds, such as ahhhh, shhhhh, ohhhh,
or grrrrrrr).

BIRTH STORY
First-Time Mom’s Wonderful Experience
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I did what
I do with everything and I researched as much as I could about
pregnancy and labor. I do a lot of exercise and sport and I wanted
to keep fit and make the experience as positive as possible. I came
across the GentleBirth program while reading on the Internet and
decided this was for me. I considered going to the workshop but I

186
 BODY

was a bit skeptical how well it would work on me, so I decided to buy
the tracks and book and go through it myself. I read the book (twice!)
and any bits I thought my husband should know about I read them
out to him (he is not the ‘sit down and read a book type’!). To be
honest, the whole concept was so interesting it became a constant
topic of conversation for us and it tied in a lot with our approach
to training for sports endurance events, which was great. I tried to
read some of the GentleBirth birth stories too but, at the time (over
two years ago now), I couldn’t really find any first-time mothers that
had used the program. The majority of people seemed to have had
a bad experience with their first labor and had used the GentleBirth
program to help with their second. As the time got closer, I listened
to the tracks more and more and I found it fantastic - really relaxing.
I was so positive about the whole pregnancy and how I felt and I
really think the tracks helped with that. My due date passed but
myself and my husband had focused on the due date + 2 weeks
date as the endpoint, so we didn’t really think about it passing.
Three days later, I woke up feeling a bit crampy but it was so mild I
didn’t even know if it was anything. After a couple of hours, though,
it seemed as if the cramps were coming at regular intervals, so I
started to time them and could see there was a pattern. It looked as
if it was starting but I knew it could take a long time to get going so I
just hung out at home relaxing. By lunchtime, the pains had stopped
and for a couple of hours nothing was happening but I still couldn’t
face eating food or going anywhere so I stayed put and, sure enough,
they started back up. By the evening time, I was sitting in the baby’s
room in the dark on the rocking chair chilling - my husband came
home from work and checked to see if I needed anything but I was
fine. The contractions were coming about 5 minutes apart at this
stage but totally manageable. My husband was canceling his evening
arrangements but I felt so fine that I sent him out and told him I’d
let him know if I needed him. I continued timing them and relaxing
and by 10pm I thought it was time to head to the hospital. One thing
I did have a slight fear of was being trapped in the car in a lot of
pain but the car journey was lovely! I don’t even remember having

187
TRACY DONEGAN

any contractions during it - we were just chatting away as we drove.

The hospital was completely empty when we arrived and so quiet.
I was admitted and checked but only 3 cm, so I was brought up to
the delivery suite and introduced to the midwife, who read through
my birth plan with my husband and went out to change to another
midwife because she had done a hypnobirthing course! I was in the
Rotunda and I know there are different experiences everywhere but
I found them amazing and totally open-minded to what I wanted.
They left myself and my husband alone for hours, kept it all dimly
lit and didn’t offer me any pain relief, which was all part of my plan.
For the next few hours, I labored away. The contractions were really
close together and I found I was too uncomfortable to sit or lie
down and rest and didn’t have time for a breather in between but
I kept focused and kept thinking I was getting closer to the end. A
few hours in, I asked my husband to get the midwife and see if there
was any progress being made. At that point, I was getting really tired
and I needed something to keep me going. I decided to take some
of the gas and air and that was amazing! It gave me a great break
and slowed my breathing right down, which is exactly what I needed.
Still laboring away but no real progress so, in the end, we asked
the midwife was there anything she could do and she offered to
break my waters. I went through all the pros and cons and decided
I would go ahead with it and the minute she did it we were straight
into the final stage. An hour or so later at 6am, our little boy arrived.
Perfectly healthy and I was completely fine too. I took a shower, had
some tea and toast, and walked to the post-labor ward - I felt great.
It was tough at times for sure and looking back I would have done
some things differently (like eat and get some rest earlier in the day
as well as stick on my GentleBirth tracks earlier) but overall it went
exactly as I wanted it and was such a great experience for all of us.

Part II
Two years later, we welcomed another little baby into the world. Of
course, I used GentleBirth again and found it fantastic. When my due

188
 BODY

date arrived, the doctors started offering me sweeps this time and
it totally threw me as it wasn’t something I had even considered.
But I explained to them that I wanted no intervention unless it was
totally necessary and asked them if there was enough fluid and a
good heartbeat. Once I knew our baby was healthy, I declined the
sweep and didn’t even let them examine me, as I have heard of
women being examined and by accident or because they thought
they were being helpful the doctor has done a sweep anyway. I
asked them how long they would let me go past my due date and
they said 10 days but if there were no issues, they would consider
two weeks. So I kept going with my plan of no intervention and
hoped I would go myself. To be honest, I did have a wobble at one
point. Was I being crazy holding out to go myself, was I putting the
baby in danger for the natural birth, was I taking unnecessary risks?
So I mentioned it to my husband who gave me a talk down. We had
discussed everything about the GentleBirth plan and doing things
as naturally as possible, provided there was no risk involved, so he
knew exactly what I wanted and was completely on board with it. He
was the perfect person to talk to about it and, once he had finished,
I felt so much better about sticking to our guns on this. But it wasn’t
easy at times when the doctors looked a bit surprised that I didn’t
want any interventions. Having said that, the midwives we spoke
to were all incredibly supportive and all agreed that our approach
was the best plan A to have and anything after that could be dealt
with then. The morning after myself and my husband’s chat I went
into labor - fantastic! I woke up again with contractions and, once
we had our son sorted in crèche, I closed our bedroom door, turned
the lights out, got into bed and put on GentleBirth. Straight away,
the contractions calmed down and got further apart. It was amazing.
I listened to the tracks for hours and after a while I started to
visualize hard rippling sand on a beach with a wave of water flowing
over it for each contraction. Sounds crazy but it really worked to
make each one totally manageable. I switched to listening to a song
playlist I had prepared to take a break from the tracks and even
started getting a bit emotional at the songs - it really was a euphoric

189
TRACY DONEGAN

experience - it’s the only way I can describe it. At about 3:30pm, I felt
the need to get up and walk around. Things were ramping up a bit so
I said to my husband that maybe we should head into the hospital.
He had left me to it all day and just brought me food when I texted
him downstairs (I wasn’t making that mistake again)! So I was all
fuelled up and ready to go. Into the car and I just listened to the
tracks all the way in, completely calm. When we got to the hospital
it was 4:30pm. I was admitted and examined and was 6 cm, which
was amazing. I was chatting away to the nurse and she was asking
how long I was in labor the last time. We said ‘a few hours’ and she
was saying that she didn’t think it would take that long this time and
she’d get us up to the delivery suite straight away. We were only in
the door of the delivery suite doing the introductions and I asked
for the gas and air. The minute I hopped up on the bed I could feel
huge pressure. I sucked on the gas and air and I must have taken so
much of it in I blacked out for a minute. When I came around, I had
to actually ask my husband what was happening and he was like
‘the baby’s head is almost out!’ One more push and he was out in
the world - we had been in the delivery suite for 6 minutes!! It was
phenomenal. I think we were all in shock, but again he was perfectly
healthy and I was fine - no stitches again and had a shower and
walked to the post-labor ward. It really was the perfect experience.

To be honest, all along I’ve been more afraid of being tied to a drip,
of having to labor in a labor ward with other people after being
induced and needing surgery/having stitches than I ever was of
labor itself and so the GentleBirth program was the perfect program
for me and my boys. Even with my first labor, I felt it really helped
with my enjoyment of my pregnancy and staying completely relaxed
throughout it. It can be hard to explain to people how amazing labor
can be when you do it like this and, of course, if there had been
any need for intervention I would have taken it but, as I said, as a
plan A to me it’s the only option. I recovered so quickly from both
deliveries and there were no complications for either of my boys.
It was more difficult, I felt, for my first pregnancy as you are trying

190
 BODY

to relax into something and you don’t quite know what that is! But
it is definitely possible and by the second time around it was just
perfect from start to finish. I am so thankful to GentleBirth for both
of these experiences.

FIT BITS (AKA PERINEAL MASSAGE)

Where Is the Perineum?

There’s not many women who look forward to this conversation but
if you can get past the cringy feeling taking this part of your birth
preparation seriously can pay off. The perineum is the skin around
the entrance of the vagina between the anus and vagina. During
childbirth, the perineum stretches and unfolds gently to allow the
baby’s head to be born…the slower the better. Mention perineal
massage to most moms and almost all of them will squirm in their
seats. But a few minutes of perineal massage in those last few weeks
of pregnancy can make the difference between being able to squirm
in your seat and having to sit on a cushion for three weeks…. and an
intact perineum makes sex more likely much sooner (maybe you’ve
sworn off sex at this point in your pregnancy and that’s not much of
a motivator so don’t do it for your sex life – do it for your recovery
and pelvic floor health).

What Is a Perineal Massage?

Perineal massage is stretching the skin to improve the elasticity of
the tissues and to get you familiar with the sensation of stretching
you feel when your baby’s head is being born. It’s particularly
important if you don’t have a very active lifestyle. It may not sound
appealing but can help you avoid a tear or episiotomy, especially
for a first baby.

Perineal massage should not be done if you have a vaginal infection,

a herpes sore, or any other vaginal condition that may be spread or
worsened by the massage.

191
TRACY DONEGAN

The massage should be started sometime in the last trimester, at

least 3-4 weeks before the due date, 2-4 times per week is enough.

Not everyone is comfortable with this practice, so discontinue if

discomfort persists.

Some women find that they like to incorporate the massage into
lovemaking but do not like to do it themselves, while others find
that they like to do it themselves so that they are in control. The
important thing is to do what works for you.

TRY THIS TECHNIQUE

Scrub the hands, trim the thumbnails, and sit in a warm comfortable
area. Relax with your legs apart in a semi-sitting position. To
become familiar with the perineal area, use a mirror for the first
few massages. Use a pure vegetable oil or a water-soluble lubricant
(not a petroleum-based oil) on the fingers and thumbs and around
the perineum. Use olive oil or coconut oil or an organic product,
because KY jelly has parabens (hormone disruptors) and glycol in
it - up to 20% of women have glycol sensitivity and there is some
evidence to link glycol use in lubricants to vulvodynia.

Vegetable oils are easily absorbed by the tissues, enhancing the

suppleness achieved by the massage.

Spread enough oil over the perineum to allow the fingers to glide
easily. The perineum is the area behind and outside the vagina,
toward the anus. It is not necessary to go near or touch the anus.

Avoid touching the anus followed by the vagina because the bacteria
that normally live in the digestive tract can cause an infection in the
vagina (and UTIs).

Using the index fingers or thumbs, insert them into the vagina up
to the second knuckle, or as close to that as is comfortable. Press
them against the back wall of the vagina and slowly sweep them

192
 BODY

away from each other up the vaginal wall as they are pulled outward
gently. The movement is a sort of “U” shape. This movement should
be repeated for several minutes. This is similar to what you may feel
as the baby’s head presses down before it starts to emerge from the
birth canal.

Next, rub the perineum between the thumb and forefinger, one finger
inside the vagina and one finger outside. You can use one hand or
two. Then place two fingers just inside the vagina, only to the first
knuckle, and gently stretch the perineum outward. Massage more
with the thumb and forefinger if the tissue feels tight. Remember to
consciously relax the muscles, using slow breathing if the sensation
feels a little too intense.

As the tissue gradually relaxes and stretches after several sessions,

apply more outward pressure on the perineum to cause a stretching
sensation. This is the sensation many women feel as the baby’s head
stretches the perineum during crowning. This is the time to use birth
breathing until the stretching sensation eases. Some women may
suffer a tear at this point in a birth because they don’t anticipate
the stretching sensation and they jump, reflexively tightening their
perineal area. You should relax into the sensation and know that,
when you feel it in labor, it means your baby will soon be here.

Being too vigorous could cause bruising or swelling in these sensitive

tissues. During the massage, avoid pressure on the urethra as this
could induce irritation or infection.

Kegel exercises can be added to the routine to help get the feel for
the pelvic muscles. Do this ritual once or twice a week beginning
around Week 36 of pregnancy.

As your bump grows bigger and it’s harder to reach, you can stand
up; put your foot up on a low stool or step and reach around to your
perineal area from the back.

193
TRACY DONEGAN

Visualize warm oil being poured on your perineum… all of the

muscles relaxing completely with the warmth of the oil and your
baby slipping gently into the world and into your hands.

(Thanks to physiotherapist Michelle Lyons for her collaboration. For

more information, visit Michelle’s blog at michellelyons.wordpress.
com or speak to Michelle in the App.)

WHOLE, HEALTHY, AND INTACT -

PROTECTING YOUR PELVIC FLOOR IN LABOR
Perineal trauma in modern birth has become so commonplace that
moms almost expect that they will need some ‘help’ in this last very
important part of birth. Hollywood has us convinced that all that
purple-faced pushing is normal. The second stage of labor becomes
a frantic race to get the baby out as quickly as possible - suggesting
to women that their own body is a danger to their baby. Your body
has grown your baby from two cells to a perfect baby … knowing
exactly where each fingernail should be placed … where your baby’s
tiny ears should be placed … down to the perfect number of hair
follicles on your baby’s head … with no conscious input from you
… no ‘fetus growing’ classes … just the intelligence and wisdom of
your body. For most women your body also knows how to finish the
process.

Over the years I’ve worked with a few moms who have had serious
ongoing complications of incontinence after a traumatic birth - in
many cases, it involved an assisted delivery with forceps or vacuum.
As perineal injury becomes ‘normalized,’ we are losing sight of how
physically and psychologically debilitating a damaged pelvic floor
can be in day-to-day life and in a woman’s relationships with her
partner.

Sadly some moms feel it was partly their fault because they couldn’t
‘push’ properly or were too uptight and couldn’t ‘let go’. So let me
start off by stating that your body works. Your body knew exactly

194
 BODY

what to do and in most cases so did your baby. You weren’t too
‘uptight’ or had issues with letting go. Your body did not fail you
- routine birth practices most certainly did. Even the most skilled
yoga moms and the most laid-back relaxed hypnomoms are faced
with the most challenging intervention in current obstetrics - not
the forceps - but the clock. What most moms don’t realize is that
they are on a time limit from the moment they are ‘diagnosed’ to be
in labor until the placenta is delivered - the clock is ticking. There is
no evidence to support these arbitrary time limits.

Here’s a typical scenario that plays out in delivery every day. Mom
is managing well - baby is healthy and coping well with labor. Mom
has two hourly VEs (vaginal exams) to ensure she is dilating with
the hospital’s guideline of 1cm per hour (there is no evidence to
support 2-hour VEs). Around 7cm (sometimes even at 10cm) mom’s
labor slows down as her body rests and her baby rotates into the
optimal position mom is deemed to have inefficient uterine action
and is prescribed IV Pitocin and her waters are broken (there is no
evidence to support doing this).

Mom is now on continuous electronic fetal monitoring due to the

administration of IV Pitocin. Mom is finding it more difficult to cope
(and may feel she needs an epidural) with the chemically driven
contractions that give her and her baby little or no rest between.
Baby finds it harder to recover from the intense, longer chemically
driven contractions and is now showing late decels on the CTG.

Mom is now 10cm and baby is showing signs of distress due to the
longer intense contractions of the IV medication. Additional staff
enter the room and mom is instructed to lie on her back and pull
her knees up to her chest as two nurses instruct her to hold her
breath and push into her bum (whether she has any urge to push
or not).

Sometimes staff will tell mom to ‘get angry with her baby’. Prolonged
breath holding further restricts oxygen to her baby, which again

195
TRACY DONEGAN

shows baby in distress and a decision is made for an assisted

delivery. An episiotomy is performed and vacuum applied - vacuum
fails and forceps applied. Baby is born limp and has low APGAR due
to hypoxia (lack of oxygen). Mom is in a state of shock but thankful
that her baby was ‘saved.’ Mom’s notes read - ‘FTP’ - failure to
progress - and reluctantly accepts that this was her fault - she’s just
one of those women who need a lot of help to get the baby out…

Nobody told mom that holding her breath for long periods of time
could put her baby at risk. Nobody told her that ‘purple pushing’
could damage not only her baby, but her bladder, her pelvic floor,
and her perineum. In fact, the prenatal classes encouraged it and
other women told her to ‘listen to your nurse - she’ll show you how
to push’.

Current evidence and international best practice would suggest that

this was a case of ‘failure to wait’ rather than failure to progress. In
my experience, there are several factors that increase the risk of
perineal/ pelvic floor damage.

Arbitrary time limits (time limits mean more assisted deliveries).

Coached pushing.

Overuse of episiotomies. Evidence does not support the use of

routine episiotomies.

Overuse of epidurals and underuse of hydrotherapy (water

immersion is associated with lower perineal damage).

There are a number of studies comparing coached vs. spontaneous

pushing. In 2003, the WHO recommended removing coached
pushing from practice. Research from 1957 describes the damage
to the muscles of the vagina and support ligaments after coached
pushing, so the new research is reaffirming what we already knew
to be the case - that ‘purple pushing’ is harmful to women and their
babies and the more moms can educate themselves about local

196
 BODY

practices the better. I often hear moms saying not to focus on the
birth as it’s ‘just one day’…..but that’s not the case for those women
who are living

with incontinence for the rest of their lives. My recommendations

are the same to all women whether they have had previous trauma
to the pelvic floor or are first-time moms.

It’s helpful to understand how the 2nd stage of the birth process
actually works.

IT’S A REFLEX
Just like that knee reflex your doctor checks and you involuntarily
kick, when your baby’s head triggers Ferguson’s reflex, your body
automatically starts to nudge your baby down. The top of the uterus
gets thicker and thicker and moves down around your baby - like a
tube of toothpaste. Think of how our body works when you feel sick
and vomit. Your body throws up … so in labor it’s like your body is
throwing ‘down’. You’d never say, “Oh, I had food poisoning last night
and was pushing up vomit all night” … you’d say you were throwing
up and I’m fairly sure you never took ‘effective vomiting’ lessons. It’s
the same with the 2nd stage of labor … your body does all the work
for you. You can’t NOT go with it.

It’s an irresistible urge that you can’t ignore. Think of how the
bowel works - pushing when you don’t have the urge to push is like
someone instructing you now to go and have a bowel movement
immediately when you don’t feel the need to go! Think of a time
when you really really needed to go … did you need someone to
coach you? Did you need to do anything else other than sit down
and relax? Whether you sit on the toilet and push for America or
bring a book (partners are usually skilled in this area), the poop still
comes out!!! When you think of it, how did humans get born for the
thousands of years before nurses and doctors came on the scene?
Who is coaching the cows and sheep in the fields or the women

197
TRACY DONEGAN

who have accidental homebirths or give birth in the car? Mother-led

pushing is protective for your baby. When you hold your breath for
sustained periods of time the oxygen to your baby is turned off.

TIPS FOR FIT BITS IN LABOR

Practice perineal massage in the 3rd trimester (especially if this is
your first vaginal birth).

Information is not power … applied information is power. Write your

birth preferences down and discuss prenatally; e.g., “I prefer not to
have coached pushing but will push with my own urges.”

Ask for more time if you and baby are well.

Allow your birth partner advocate for you in labor if a staff member
starts instructing you to hold your breath.

Choose an upright birth position even with an epidural (yes, this is

possible - discuss this with your caregiver).

Ask for more time if you and baby are well.

Focus on slow comfortable breathing - let your body do the work.

If you have an epidural, request additional time for ‘passive descent’

also known as laboring down, especially if you and baby are well.

Ask for more time if you and baby are well (getting the picture?)

Labor in water if possible even if water birth is not an option or

something you’re not comfortable with.

Consider a homebirth, birth center, or private hospital midwife

scheme or if possible, choose an obstetrician/midwife with a low
rate of episiotomies and assisted deliveries to stack the odds in
your favor.

198
 BODY

GentleBirth Mom

“No matter what sort of labor you have or what type of birth
you want, this program cannot fail to help. I wasn’t particularly
concerned about having a drug-free birth, but I did want to be
confident and relaxed throughout my pregnancy and labor no
matter what happened. I definitely achieved this by listening
to the GentleBirth program. I never imagined I would be so
relaxed that my husband would be taking photos of me in
labor about to go to hospital at 3am! A fantastic program”.

TURN ON YOUR BIRTH HORMONES

BRAIN HACKING FOR BIRTH
Hypnosis and meditation slow brain wave patterns bringing about a
meditative state that calms the sympathetic nervous system (turns
off your fight-flight response).

Positive expectations of a calm GentleBirth - the more painful you

expect the experience to be, the more pain is experienced.

Slow diaphragmatic breathing turns off adrenaline (short shallow

breathing means less movement of the torso for mammals under
threat so they are visible to predators).

Laboring in warm water shortens labor considerably by hacking into

your natural oxytocin which shortens labor.

Aromatherapy lavender and rose essential oils contain chemicals

known to have a sedative action on the brain. Jasmine/clary sage
can encourage more efficient surges during birth if needed.

Humor releases endorphins.

199
TRACY DONEGAN

Blueblocker glasses may help increase melatonin production (and

will definitely be a talking point if you go for the Bono rockstar look
in labor).

Massage releases endorphins and oxytocin.

Familiar surroundings lead to feeling safe (oxytocin release).

Support of partner also leads to feeling safe (oxytocin release).

Continue your mindfulness practice this week with a short activity

(drinking your coffee, putting on makeup).

Create your own birth affirmations. Write them out and post them in
places where you will see them 20 times a day. Start visualizing your
perfect birth mind movie. You are the producer and director - this is
your movie! Turn off the scary TV shows about birth.

HOW DO YOU KNOW LABOR HAS STARTED?

Just as with pregnancy, every woman experiences labor differently.
In the weeks leading up to the birth, your baby may engage (move
deeper into the pelvis) and you may have pre-labor warm-ups or
surges that are helping your baby into the best position (these can
sometimes be mistaken for the real thing). Even though it can be
frustrating, your body is just preparing for the big day slowly and
gently. Most GentleBirthing moms tend to start the birth process
very gradually and easily not really sure if this is really it. Everything
is happening for a reason.

Some women have loose bowel movements just prior to labor

beginning or they feel as if they’ve eaten some questionable food.
Sometimes moms have a burst of energy and feel the need to
prepare their “nest,” or a dull backache, often accompanied by a
crampy premenstrual feeling. It can be tricky to pinpoint the actual
start of labor because the buildup is often slow and gradual and
sometimes takes place over a few days. Most women believe that

200
 BODY

labor starts with dilation but, in fact, there’s a lot going on that
moms aren’t aware of before dilation can take place.

BIRTH STORY
“My baby arrived at 8pm exactly, 36 weeks, 4 lbs 2 oz. I went into
spontaneous labor, I thought I had indigestion when I woke up that
morning. I spent a few hours at home having breakfast and chatting
with my parents, decided to go to hospital and check if all was ok
about 1 pm. I had the trace and the heartbeat was fine. Then they
performed an examination and I was fully effaced so they admitted
me. My sister went and got us lunch and I asked for a ball as I
didn’t have anything like that with me. I sat on the ball and chatted
with my sister and my husband came in around 3:30. I used the
shower a few times, I had my birth preferences in a folder but had
never discussed these with anyone. So talked them through with
midwife. About 5:30, midwife asked if I would like to be examined
again to consider moving to the delivery room. I said okay; after
the examination we walked to the delivery room and on the way
midwife asked was I doing GentleBirth. I used my breathing all the
time and honestly felt relaxed and calm throughout. My waters went
in the delivery room (naturally) and there was meconium so I had
more monitoring. I delivered our little girl vaginally, tried gas and
air in the delivery room but didn’t like it. Labor couldn’t have gone
better! .... ….

Our baby girl was discharged last week so we are finally enjoying
time at home and I’m delighted. Thank you, Bernie, for the class and
for staying in touch. I found the last few weeks of pregnancy very
stressful and the whole program really helped me to stay calm and
focus on the positive. I’m so thrilled to have my gorgeous little girl
here now.”

201
TRACY DONEGAN

HELPING YOUR BABY INTO THE

BEST POSITION FOR BIRTH
Most babies settle into a particular position in the uterus during
late pregnancy, called left occiput anterior or LOA. This position, in
which the back of the baby’s head points toward the mother’s front
and the baby’s back is slightly to the left on the mother’s side, is
ideal, allowing for the easiest, safest, and quickest birth. Imagine
this: Stand up and imagine your baby’s head just above the pubic
bone, your baby’s back is along your left arm, and you’ll feel kicks
more toward the right. Check out spinningbabies.com for great tips
and information on “bellymapping.”

ENCOURAGING OPTIMAL POSITIONING

Imagine your belly button as a torch and we don’t want the torch to
shine on the ceiling for long periods in late pregnancy.

The baby’s back is the heaviest side of its body. This means that the
back will naturally gravitate toward the lowest side of the mother’s
abdomen. So if a mom’s tummy is lower than her back, e.g. she is
sitting on a chair leaning forward, then the baby’s back will tend to
swing toward her tummy. If the back is lower than her tummy, e.g.
she is lying on her back or leaning back in an armchair, then the
baby’s back may swing toward the mother’s back.

Avoid positions that encourage the baby to face your tummy. The
main culprits are said to be lolling back in an armchair or a comfy
couch, sitting in car seats where the mother is leaning back, or any
position in which her knees are higher than her pelvis.

The best way to do this is to spend lots of time kneeling upright,

sitting upright, or on hands and knees. When you sit on a chair,
make sure your knees are lower than your pelvis, and the trunk
should be tilted slightly forward.

202
 BODY

Watch TV while kneeling on the floor, over a beanbag or cushions, or

sit on a dining chair. Try sitting on a dining chair facing (leaning on)
the back as well. Sit on a wedge cushion in the car.

Avoid sitting with your legs crossed. This reduces the space at the
front of the pelvis and opens it up at the back. For good positioning,
the baby needs to have lots of space at the front.

Avoid deep squatting, which opens up the pelvis and encourages

the baby to move down, until it is known that the baby is the right
way round.

Swimming with the belly downwards is great for positioning babies

in utero. Moms who swim regularly report less back labor. Use lots of
breaststroke and front crawl. Breaststroke, in particular, is thought
to help with good positioning because all those leg movements
help open the mom’s pelvis and settle the baby downwards. A birth
ball can encourage good positioning, both before and during labor.

Various exercises done on all fours can help, e.g., wiggling your
hips from side to side, or arching your back like a cat, followed by
dropping the spine down. Prenatal yoga can really help align your
baby.

POSTERIOR LABOR
A small percentage of babies will remain in a posterior position
during labor, which can make labor much more intense, especially
in your back, and moms may also feel discomfort between surges. If
you suspect your baby is in a posterior position, leaving your waters
intact can help your baby rotate easier. Having a doula suggest
position changes and comfort measures can make a big difference
in how you experience your baby’s birth especially with this kind of
labor.

In labor, the all-fours position (backside in the air) may help your
baby “back out” of the pelvis and come back down into a more

203
TRACY DONEGAN

favorable position. Firm pressure on the lower back by your partner

or doula can be very helpful to deal with the discomfort of “back”
labor.

On all fours, you can also lean over the birth ball. Put some pillows
under your knees.

Straddle the toilet, facing backward (opening the pelvis).

Try abdominal lifting to change the ‘drive angle’: During a surge,

place your hands beneath your abdomen and lift your abdomen
gently while tilting your pelvis by bending your knees - this can help
your baby get better aligned to enter the pelvis in a more favorable
position.

A cold can from the fridge rolled on your lower back is a wonderful
tool - even a rolling pin or tennis ball can be helpful to roll up and
down the most uncomfortable area.

PROGRESS IS MORE THAN DILATION

Your cervix has kept your baby safe for 9 months so now lots of
changes are happening to allow your baby a gentle exit. Your cervix
moves from a posterior (pointing toward your back) to an anterior,
more central position.

Your cervix ripens or softens; the consistency of an unripe cervix is

like the feeling of the tip of your nose, hard, but when the cervix is
ripe, it feels more like your lips, soft. Imagine the cervix melting like
warm butter … or soft chocolate.

• Your cervix effaces (shortens and thins).

• Your cervix begins to dilate and open.
• Your baby’s head rotates, flexes (tucks his chin to chest),
and compresses so the smallest diameter is coming first.
• Your baby descends, rotates more, and is born.

204
 BODY

In most cases, the birth process won’t start until both the baby and
mom are ready for the birth. Electrical activity in the uterus causes
the surges (triggered by oxytocin), so ideally both your brain and
body are ‘wired up’ perfectly for a spontaneous start.

The usual ways to tell if labor has started are: there is a show;
the waters release; and/or mom has surges that are regular and
continue building in strength and become more frequent.

205
BIRTH

YOU HAVE A SHOW

Having a “show” refers to the release of bloodstained mucus as
the cervix starts to thin and dilate. The show usually continues
throughout labor and is a good sign of progress. The discharge is
usually pink or red; if any amniotic fluid passes at the same time, it
may also be a little blood-stained, but should then become clear.
My general rule of thumb for first-time healthy moms considering
when to go to the hospital or call your midwife is “no show - no go”!

However, if there is heavy bleeding or you’re unsure about what’s

happening always contact your health care provider.

YOUR WATERS RELEASE

Sometimes labor can start with the release of your waters, that
is, the amniotic fluid surrounding your baby releases, although
sometimes the waters will not release until later in labor. The waters
may also come out as a slow leak or trickle, where you may notice
some dampness in your underwear, making it difficult to determine
if it’s amniotic fluid at all!

The waters are normally clear, but sometimes there is a little pink
or red, which should become clear. If the waters are particularly red,

206
 B IR T H

there may be bleeding into the fluid; or, if they are brown or green,
then the baby may have passed meconium. Contact your hospital or
midwife immediately.

At this late stage of pregnancy, some mothers may leak a little urine.
To determine if the leak is amniotic fluid or urine, the easiest way
is to put on a pad – leave it for an hour and then do the sniff test -
smell it; amniotic fluid is almost odorless and does not have a urine-
like smell. However, if the smell is offensive, this might indicate
an infection and your healthcare provider should be contacted
immediately. Once your waters have released, the risk of infection
increases. To minimize infection, you should avoid repeated vaginal
exams. Bathing and showering in plain water do not increase the
risk of infection.

It is useful to talk to your healthcare provider beforehand about

their policy regarding what to do when the waters release and how
long they are willing to wait for labor to start spontaneously. I was
with a mom once who was told my the on call OB that once the
waters release and labor hasn’t started the uterus is like a ‘burning
building’ and we need to ‘get everyone out as quickly as possible’…
hardly reassuring… Mom was well and declined kick starting her
labor with Pitocin for 26 hours after her waters released and her
surges began. Mom took her temperature every 4 hours and was
happy to agree to medical intervention if she showed any signs of
infection.

Some care providers may prefer you to go to the hospital immediately,

while others are happy for the woman to stay at home for a while.
The risk of infection is lower at home than at the hospital, so relax
in the comfort of your own home while things get started.

If your baby is not yet at 37 weeks or is breech and the waters

release, go to the hospital immediately.

207
TRACY DONEGAN

THE SURGES ARE CONSISTENT

AND SETTLE INTO A PATTERN
Moms often have Braxton-Hicks surges or tightenings for several
days or weeks before the actual labor starts; they are irregular, they
slow down or stop if you rest, and they have no proper pattern to
them. Sometimes they will last for a few hours, surging every few
minutes before stopping, which can be really frustrating. Think of
these surges as warm-ups - just as you would warm up any other
muscle before exercise. In this case, rest and conserve your energy,
carry on with life as normal, or have a “labor project” to take your
mind off the clock. While these practice, warm-up surges can be
quite frustrating, they are in fact helping to soften and thin the
cervix and just helping labor start gently. When the surges start to
become longer, more intense, and closer together over time, showing
a regular pattern, then this is a sign that true labor is underway.

Surges are usually felt as a wave, with a gentle start that increases
to an intense peak before fading away gradually.

Initially, the surges may not feel particularly intense, more of a

discomfort low down in the abdomen or back; they can be ignored
or you can easily talk through them. They usually last for around
20-30 seconds at the start, increasing over time. They may occur
at 20-30 minute intervals, increasing over time, or they can start
straight away at 3-4 minute intervals. As labor progresses, you may
need to focus more on each one, using slow rhythmic breathing to
stay focused.

GOING TO THE HOSPITAL

(STAY HOME UNTIL 4CM)
As the famous Clash song goes “should I stay or should I go now?”
Timing the move to hospital is an important decision to make. Most
moms labor better at home in the early stages because they feel
more relaxed and comfortable in familiar surroundings, while others

208
 B IR T H

feel safer in the hospital right away; each mom and pregnancy is
different. Partners will influence how comfortable you feel being at
home longer. If your partner is wandering around the house jingling
the car keys you won’t feel very relaxed. For a low-intervention
hospital birth, research recommends staying home longer to ensure
that labor is well established before going into the hospital if you’ve
had a healthy pregnancy. Moving to the hospital will sometimes
slow down or stall things, which can then lead to interventions
being needed to get things going again. Ask about your hospital
guidelines. You’ll know exactly when is the right time for you to go
to the hospital or to call your midwife.

THE FLOW OF LABOR

Mainstream pregnancy guides tend to focus on labor being divided
into distinct stages. However, there are no hard and fast segments
of labor that become obvious as soon as you hit a certain number
in dilation. Consider that labor is a continuum, a building of energy
that is carrying you and your baby to your destination together.

EARLY SIGNS OF LABOR –

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR BODY?
The uterus will tighten and relax for “practice” or warm-up Braxton
Hicks contractions, although some GentleBirth moms may not feel
this. The cervix will change position (to an anterior position) and
soften due to the release of hormones and may start to thin (efface),
your waters may release. It’s normal for the waters to release around
7-8cm. Your baby’s head will engage and you may feel additional
pressure in the pelvic region; this usually occurs earlier for first-time
moms. In subsequent labors, your baby may not engage until well
into labor.

209
TRACY DONEGAN

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

You may feel backache or some Braxton Hicks surges or some
tightenings.

Other early labor signs include a show, soft bowel movements, and
nesting. Some women will experience pre-labor surges for a day
or more: These are mild, frequent surges that may go on for a few
hours before stopping. Most GentleBirth moms experience a gentle,
gradual buildup and are usually already into a good rhythm of labor
before they realize this is it and not just more warm-ups!

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Relax, relax, and relax a bit more. Eat if you’re hungry, particularly
carbohydrates (rice, pasta, bread) for energy. Ditch the keto diet for
labor. If you have a doula, update her on what is happening and
how you are feeling. Try to go on doing normal things. This gentle,
gradual buildup may last a day or more for a first-time mom, so
try not to get too frustrated or excited. Keep a few movies handy
that you’ve wanted to see. Resist the temptation to tell everyone
you’re in labor or you’ll find yourself answering 50 text messages an
hour from friends wondering if you’ve had your baby yet. Try not to
update your Facebook page at this point but we’d love to support
you in the private group!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR BODY?

The cervix will efface (thin) and dilate (open) to 6cm (active labor);
surges should be regular and start building up slowly in length and
frequency.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

Sometimes the waters release and the water comes out in a gush,
you may have more show, or the surges may feel stronger and start

210
 B IR T H

to become more frequent. Labor surges should build up over the

labor, generally lasting from 30 to 45 seconds at the start of labor to
longer surges as your baby is being born. At this stage, the surges
are usually between 3 minutes or as long as 20 minutes apart.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Rest, rest, rest. Have your birth partner keep a casual eye on the
frequency of surges, Depending on the time of the day and how
you feel, you may want to try to rest, eat (easily digested foods),
or keep active between surges. Follow your body’s lead. Make the
environment as pleasant and relaxed as possible (think romance)
allowing yourself to settle down emotionally and find your own
rhythm, without any pressure to progress or perform.

ACTIVE LABOR -
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR BODY?
Your cervix dilates from around 6cm to 10cm, your cervix opens
more steadily and quickly than before, and surges become more
powerful. Surges are regular and start building up slowly in length
and frequency.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

As surges get more intense, you will deepen your focus, taking long
slow, deep rhythmic breaths.

WHAT CAN THE BIRTH PARTNERS DO?

Birth partners can time the surges, encourage mom to try different
positions or movements such as walking, standing, rocking, swaying,
slow dancing, squatting, kneeling, or side lying if tired. Mom - follow
your body’s lead, rest in between surges. Listen to the App. Get
mom to focus on slow rhythmic breathing. Remind her to use the

211
TRACY DONEGAN

bathroom often to empty her bladder, and to try to snack, and stay
relaxed. Focus on one surge at a time.

THE BIRTH OF YOUR BABY –

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOUR BODY?
Depending on your body and baby, full dilation might be 9cm or
11cm. At this point, the nature of the surges changes. Sometimes the
surges will disappear for a time, just to give your body a rest before
the expulsive stage where your body nudges your baby down. With
each surge, your baby moves downward slightly, then slips back up
at the end of each surge.

The baby’s head slowly stretches the vaginal tissue and the
perineum, as you use focused breathing to breathe your baby down
and go with your own urges so he emerges slowly. As the baby’s
head and then the body is born, it rotates.

WHAT ARE THE SIGNS?

When the baby has moved into the optimal position, most moms
begin to feel a strong irresistible urge to breathe down or bear
down, which becomes stronger and more frequent. The intensity
feels “involuntary and uncontrollable.” Your body is just doing it
without you! The beginning of this phase can feel overwhelming as
you get used to the power of nature moving through you. You have
so much happening in your pelvis, so many intense sensations…
ligaments are stretching, your pelvis is shifting and your baby is
moving through you.

WHAT CAN YOUR BIRTH PARTNER DO?

Keep mom relaxed and remind her to focus on her breathing. Apply
a warm compress to the perineal area to soften and relax the area
for mom and to reduce the risk of perineal injury.

212
 B IR T H

Encourage mom to use a position comfortable to her (upright, on

hands and knees, supported squat, kneeling, standing, or, if the
mom is tired side lying), and take it nice and slowly as the head
emerges.

THIRD STAGE–BIRTH OF THE PLACENTA

After your baby is born, he will continue to receive oxygenated and
nutrient-rich blood from the placenta for several minutes. Up to
30% of your baby’s blood gets trapped in the placenta if the cord
is clamped prematurely and the placenta amputated. Allowing the
cord to finish pulsating for even five minutes has significant benefits
for your baby. Leaving the cord alone gives your baby time to adapt
to using his lungs for the first time and receives iron that reduces
his risk of anemia.

You may feel uterine cramps as opposed to strong surges, although

the after-birth sensations with subsequent children are often
stronger.

THE FOURTH STAGE–THE GOLDEN HOUR

Enjoy these first few magical moments. Your baby may or may not be
interested in feeding right away; your baby knows what to do. Keep
your baby warm with as much skin-to-skin contact (naked on your
chest) as possible and uninterrupted time together. Your baby has
just moved house very suddenly. Skin-to-skin contact calms your
baby’s stress response, keeps him at the perfect temperature and
regulates his breathing and blood sugars. This is a massive time of
brain changes for both you and your baby as your brain floods with
oxytocin, which is “switching on” your maternal brain. Just like your
new baby, there is also an “unfolding” of your new maternal brain.
There’s no need for your baby to wear a hat during your skin-to-
skin time. As your brain switches gears, it needs to “breathe in your
baby” to help turn on the mothering center of the brain. Moms and

213
TRACY DONEGAN

babies can recognize each other through smell alone. All mammals
lick their babies after birth; this instinctive action has an important
function. We don’t lick our babies but kiss them quite compulsively.
As you kiss your baby your brain is being given instructions on the
perfect composition of the milk for your baby. Skin to skin with your
baby flat on your body triggers your baby’s feeding behaviors so lie
back and enjoy your new baby while he settles in.

THE LABOR RECIPE

Your bags are packed and sitting in the hall….the floors are gleaming
and everything is ready. The stack of well-read pregnancy books sits
on the kitchen table with highlighted sections for your partner. After
lots of research and stories from friends, you’re determined not to
be one of those women who panic at the first strange tightening
sensation of labor and race off to the hospital, only to find out to
their mortification that it was just trapped wind.

First labors are such a unique experience and, even after reading
every pregnancy book on the planet, you’re still not quite sure what
to expect.

Thankfully, there is quite a lot you and your partner can do

together at home to make this time at home before you go into the
hospital memorable and comfortable. Dr. Michel Odent, the French
obstetrician who pioneered the birth pool, has some suggestions
for creating the conditions for a shorter, easier labor and what he
refers to as an “undisturbed birth.” Dr. Sarah Buckley has also written
extensively on the topic of ecstatic birth and the perfect blend of
birth hormones in her book Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering.

214
 B IR T H

There are two ways to “blend” this cocktail of hormones in labor:

• By medically managing them (giving mom artificial

hormones to chemically drive her surges, such as Pitocin).
• By “hacking” your natural hormones by using the
techniques in this program.

Which do you think will be easiest on your body and on your baby?

Here are some suggestions to encourage a natural release of birth

hormones designed perfectly for your body and your baby that
come only with positive side effects.

• You need to feel safe and uninhibited. If you feel stressed

and anxious, your body releases adrenaline, which is the
brake of labor. When you feel safe and not afraid, your
body produces oxytocin and endorphins, which are labor
helpers. When you feel uninhibited, you can easily slip into
the primal part of your mind that regulates that perfect
hormonal blend.
• You need to feel unobserved, so don’t text or call everyone
that your labor has started. You’ll be plagued by well-
meaning friends and family and you’ll start to suffer from
a kind of labor performance anxiety; you’ll begin to think
that you’re taking too long (your mental meerkat will be
activated).
• Dim lighting. Get your candles out and hit the dimmer
switch. Bright fluorescent lighting inhibits the hormonal
release by interrupting the production of melatonin,
which is a helper hormone for oxytocin. Bono rockstar
sunglasses aren’t uncommon for GentleBirth moms.
• Excessive conversation also keeps you in your reasoning
and analytical part of your mind, so rest and use your brain
training. Activating the language center of the brain means
valuable resources are being used up unnecessarily.

215
TRACY DONEGAN

Keep activity low, both mentally and physically. Despite what you
might have read, Olympic speed walking in early labor is unhelpful
UNLESS it feels good to do so. Don’t walk for miles because someone
told you to or because you read it online. High activity inhibits
your helper hormones and increases adrenaline, plus you want to
conserve as much energy as you can. Rest, rest, rest.

OXYTOCIN BOOST TECHNIQUE

Close your eyes and think of someone who really, really loves and
cares about you - it could be a parent your partner maybe even
a family pet? Let all of those wonderful memories come up for a
few moments. By remembering a time of feeling loved and cared
about, the brain releases oxytocin, which, as you know by now, is the
antidote to adrenaline.

I know it’s a bit of a stretch for first-time moms and dads to

associate labor with romance, so bear with me. I can already hear
the ewwwwwws as you read this. But if you look at it scientifically,
it’s the same perfect cocktail of hormones that resulted in most
moms becoming pregnant that helps your baby to be born.

Just look back at the points above - feeling safe, uninhibited,

unobserved, with dim lighting and not much conversation might
remind you of when you were dating your partner and the things
you did to create a romantic atmosphere and get in the mood. You
see where I’m going? The more intimate and, yes, romantic the
environment you can create at home, the more likely your labor is
to progress quicker and easier.

Even your partner’s sexy hypnotic voice has a role to play in getting
your baby out (after all, for most moms, it was your partner’s sexy
hypnotic voice that helped get the baby there in the first place).

Have a labor project that requires low mental and physical activity.
Put on the App and sleep if you can.

216
 B IR T H

Watch a funny movie. Laughter releases endorphins, your labor

helpers. Endorphins give you a sense of wellbeing (like the high you
get from chocolate).

Bake a birthday cake for your baby.

Your partner can run you a warm bath and light the candles add
some lavender essential oil, which also has a pain-relieving effect
on the body. Labor in warm water as much as possible to promote
oxytocin release.

Water immersion during the birth process is a must. If you don’t

have a deep bath, you can purchase a birth pool online and labor
in it before going to the hospital. Moms who labor in water tend to
have quite short birth experiences (five hours for a first-time mom).

Your partner can cook you some nice food and encourage you to stay
hydrated with water, soup, or isotonic drinks (coconut water is great).

Have a relaxing massage or foot rub (with clary sage, lavender, or

rose essential oils).

Your partner can put on some nice music, any easy listening music
that has positive memories for you.

He/she can make sure there is gas in the car and not panic when
it’s time to go.

Ask your partner to read this or play it for them if you’re listening
to the book.

Unless he’s been to a GentleBirth Class he probably hasn’t read

all those highlighted pages you’ve prepared for him just yet and
probably won’t. His eyes may move across the pages but his mind is
most likely on the football results.

217
TRACY DONEGAN

“The parallels between making love and giving

birth are clear, not only in terms of passion and
love, but also because we need essentially the same
conditions for both experiences: privacy and safety.”
–Sarah Buckley–

EMERGENCY CHILDBIRTH
Over the years there have been a few GentleBirth babies born
unexpectedly on the way to the hospital or at home. All of the
babies were born quickly and without any complications and the
moms were ecstatic (not exactly what people generally expect as a
‘positive’ birth experience’).

So you think baby is coming NOW and you’ve made the decision
not to get in the car and fight the Friday evening traffic … (or there’s
been a zombie apocalypse and there are no hospitals!).

First off - healthy babies pretty much deliver themselves - your

partner’s job is to remain calm and gently catch.

Don’t freak out; call the paramedics and/or your midwife.

Unlatch the front door so the paramedics can let themselves in.

In winter, boost up the heating and grab some blankets.

Stay with your partner and reassure her (trust me on this one - we
can smell fear).

As your baby’s head emerges, hold your hands just under baby’s
head. You do not have to pull on your baby’s head.

218
 B IR T H

Encourage your partner to breathe slowly and deeply and resist the
urge to push. Mom’s body will push baby out.

As the rest of your baby’s body emerges, simply support him with
your hands as you reassure your partner.

Gently lift your baby to mom’s chest for immediate skin-to-skin and
cover mom and baby with blankets. Skin-to-skin regulates baby’s
temperature and breathing.

No need to touch the cord no shoelaces no zip ties...or twist ties.

The cord will continue to give your baby oxygen as it pulsates for the
next several minutes.

Remove any wet towels/blankets from baby and replace with dry
ones.

If the placenta comes out just leave it next to mom.

Breathe - help is on the way.

ROADSIDE BIRTH
If you’re in the car, calmly pull over with your hazard lights on and
call an ambulance.

Turn up the heat in the car.

Help your partner remove her underwear/trousers.

Reassure your partner by staying calm (even if you’re screaming on

the inside).

Gently receive baby into your hands - no pulling on baby’s head.

Place baby skin-to-skin with mom and cover with any blankets/
clothes you have available.

219
TRACY DONEGAN

Leave the cord alone as above and await help (it’s normal for baby
to be a bit blue initially; healthy babies pink up very quickly).

If baby arrives quickly, he/she may be a little shocked at the speed

with which he just ‘moved house’. If baby seems to be a bit stunned,
simply rub baby’s back and/or tap the soles of baby’s feet.

BIRTH STORY
I woke up on the morning of my due date to mild period-like pain,
I felt excited but also very aware that this could be something or
nothing. I had a lie-in and tried to forget about the surge that I had
felt and decided to just enjoy my day and see what it brought. As the
day progressed I continued to have irregular mild surges. We had
a lovely time, taking Orla to feed the ducks, eating lunch together
and relaxing. As the day went on the surges became a little bit more
frequent - roughly every 30 mins but I could still hold a conversation
throughout them. I was really happy to be able to rest between
surges as when I had Orla I had little or no break in between so this
was proving to be a very different labor with a completely different
pattern. Throughout the evening I chatted to my mom about looking
after Orla should I need to go to hospital. I laid out her clothes
for the next day, I changed her bedsheets, organised her dinner
and breakfast for the following morning and gave her lottos kisses
and cuddles, all this helped me feel organized and in control of the
situation - it was lovely knowing that I didn’t have to worry about
Orla and that she would be very well cared for when I needed to
make the move.

My mom decided she would like my niece to come over and help
with Orla, so my sister-in-law dropped my niece over, it was really
surreal chatting calmly though surges, joking about what lay ahead
and I remember telling my sister-in-law that this time around I
would really love to avoid an epidural if at all possible but that I was
open to what ever came our way.

220
 B IR T H

At around 6pm I noticed that I needed to concentrate a little harder

during the surges but they were very manageable and simply closing
my eyes and breathing through them was enough. We had our usual
nighttime routine, Paul gave Olivia a bath and we said good night to
her and put her to bed. I remember feeling a little bit melancholy as
I walked out of her room, knowing that it was likely that the next day
she would no longer be my baby. After Olivia was put to bed I had a
shower and settled down to have an oxytocin filled night, I watched
Downton Abbey while Paul went to get me my favorite takeout. By
the time he came home the surges were more regular about 8-10
minutes apart, but still very manageable. I remember feeling really
calm and happy to be able to rest between surges, it was really
lovely to quietly anticipate the arrival of our baby in such a fear free
way. We watched some feel good TV. At around 9.30pm Paul rang the
hospital to let them know that labor had begun and that if possible
we would like to use the pool if it was free. The midwife informed us
that it would probably be a while before we would need to come in,
and that they had someone in the birthing suite at that point. We
decided at around 10.30pm to go to bed and try and get some rest.
Paul made sure that everything we needed was in the car and I laid
out everything that I would need for making the transition into the
hospital.

We went to bed and fell asleep (I was really surprised that I could
sleep but also very relieved) every time I had a surge we would
time the contraction. I was mainly lying on my side and I found that
breathing deeply and slowly and rocking from side to side helped
me to stay focused during the surges. Paul repeated my affirmations
to me and reassured me with every surge. It was lovely being in our
own environment with nobody else there and feeling able to ask
Paul to speak to me more slowly and to speak up when I couldn’t
hear him through a surge - we had put so much effort and planning
into working as a team for this birth, it felt like everything was
falling into place and that we were working together as our baby
was getting ready to be born.

221
TRACY DONEGAN

I remember going to the toilet a few times and expecting to see a

show but there was no sign of anything, I remember looking at the
clock and thinking by 3am I think I will be in active labor.

When I stood up to go to the bathroom I felt the pressure and surges

were much more intense, so I was more comfortable lying on my
side in the comfort of the bed, I still can’t believe that I was able
to sleep in-between surges, I had heard about people doing this
before but I didn’t think it was true. I remember saying to myself
that my body wouldn’t make a surge that I couldn’t handle and
that I could handle anything for a minute. Paul was repeating these
affirmations to me throughout the surges also, so I had nothing but
positive thoughts coming my way. At 2am I vomited, and thought
that maybe things were beginning to happen, but I honestly felt that
if I had gone to the hospital at that stage they would have told me I
was only a few centimeters dilated. At around 3am I had a couple of
very intense surges, it was the first time that I felt that I needed to
reach out and hold Paul’s hand, I really felt that I needed him beside
me at that point, and during those few surges I experienced a little
bit of self doubt and fear and I remember telling Paul that I really
needed him and that I couldn’t do it. Paul reassured me, repeating
my affirmations to me, and it was like a switch flicking in my head
and I remember feeling filled with determination and positivity and
smiling and saying ‘I can do this, I am doing this, I can do this…’
it was at that moment that I knew that I would be able to deliver
my baby naturally, I was filled with calmness and I just knew that I
would do it.

Paul suggested that we make a move to the hospital but at that

point the surges were coming very regularly and I had to wait for
a few to pass before I felt able to stand up. Paul ran downstairs to
give my mom the baby monitor. When he came back, I got up and
started to get ready. At this point the surges were coming so fast
that Paul could hardly get my shoe on before I had to jump back
onto the bed on all fours and breathe through the surge. We made

222
 B IR T H

our way downstairs and my mom was there to give me a hug and tell
me that she loved me before we left, when we got to the front door
I remember saying to myself “this baby is coming” as I breathed
through another surge.

We walked to the car and when I got to the car door I felt an extremely
intense urge to push, all the while I was feeling very calm and in
control, I remember telling Paul to go ahead and get into the car
and that I would get in once the surge passed. I remember saying to
Paul as I felt the urge to push “this is bigger than me” - I had heard
about the intensity of the urge to push before, but it was only at
that point that I realized just how powerful and beyond my control
it was. Paul reassured me that I was probably feeling the pressure of
my waters about to go, but that we should start moving. Paul rang
the hospital to let them know that we were on our way, while he
was talking to the midwife my waters released and the urge to push
intensified. The midwife advised Paul that the baby was coming in
a hurry and not to delay. Paul asked me did I want to go to another
hospital because it was closer and I remember saying no because a
part of me didn’t want to admit that the baby was going to be born
so soon. Up until the point where my waters released I had hoped
the urge to push might ease off and we would have time to reach
the hospital but the surges intensified along with the urge to push
and as we joined the M50 I told Paul pull in “this is happening now,
call an ambulance.” Paul pulled in on the hard shoulder and rang
999. I remember hearing the emergency responder talk to him, and
being able to answer a few of the questions myself, I thought “I
cant believe this is happening here” but I knew that I was powerless
to stop the baby from coming as the urge to push intensified and
overtook my body.

Paul took off my shoes and pyjama bottoms and put down the
passenger seat as far as it could go, as I felt the need to turn over
onto all fours. I remember the emergency responder reminding me
to breathe, and seeing the flashing lights as the fire brigade pulled

223
TRACY DONEGAN

up beside the car. The next thing that I remember is the burning
sensation of the baby’s head crowning and feeling somebody
putting their hand on the area, I thought it was Paul and I remember
shouting for him to take his hands off me as I felt it was preventing
the baby from being born, it was actually a paramedic and he
reassured me that he was trying to help me as the baby was being
born so fast. I remember feeling reassured by this and remembering
that he was protecting my perineum as the baby’s head emerged.

I remember calling out to Paul saying that I needed him, and he

reassured me that he was right beside me at the car door. As the
baby’s head was born I felt a massive relief, I remember being able
to rest my chest and stomach on the back of the seat and breathing
as I waited for the baby’s body to be born, already I was feeling
elated. Our baby shot into the world, summersaulting on her way
out into the hands of the paramedic at 3.45am, a mere 15 minutes
after we had left the house.

I asked Paul what the baby was and he said I think it’s a girl, and
the paramedics confirmed that we had a daughter. I asked for
delayed cord clamping, but as the paramedics thought that I was
hemorrhaging they told me that they couldn’t delay clamping the
cord but they let Paul do the honors. The paramedics seemed
concerned about the amount of blood I was loosing and this was
the first time that I felt fear, I remember thinking “I can’t die after
doing that!” They reassured me and helped me to step out of the
car and onto a stretcher as they transferred me into the ambulance,
everything at this point is a bit hazy but I remember getting to hold
our baby girl, seeing her little purple feet and her dark hair and
feeling totally elated, shocked and in love.

The paramedics gave the baby to Paul to hold while they did what
they had to with me, as we were transferred to the hospital I was
desperate to hold the baby but the paramedic explained to me that
he had to hold her for her safety but ensured that I could see her for
the whole journey. It was a really surreal journey, I remember almost

224
 B IR T H

not being able to look at the baby as I couldn’t quite believe what
had just happened. When we got to the hospital the baby was taken
to the delivery suite ahead of me to be warmed up. I was brought
into the same room and welcomed by lovely midwives. Paul arrived
and stayed with the baby while the midwives looked after me. The
paramedics expressed concern that I had lost a lot of blood after the
baby was born but the midwives didn’t at all seem concerned and
reassured me that everything seemed fine. Before the paramedics
left we made sure that the baby had her photo taken with them and
I remember as they left feeling the urge to tell them that I loved
them as they had done such an amazing job and witnessed such a
momentous occasion in our lives. We assured them that we would
call into them at their station for them to see the baby again.

After the paramedics had left, the midwife helped me to deliver

the placenta, I was so happy to be able to do this naturally as
this was part of my birth preferences. After the placenta had been
delivered I was given Syntocinon as there had been a concern about
a postpartum hemorrhage. The midwife examined me and seemed
confident that I hadn’t been damaged too much, then a doctor
arrived to examine me, she was concerned that I may have had a
3rd degree tear but as I was so tender we agreed that she could take
a closer look and do whatever repair was necessary with a spinal
anaesthetic. At this point I was very happy to agree to that as the
baby had been safely delivered and I was tired and sore and didn’t
want to feel any further discomfort. I got to hold and feed the baby
for a good half hour and we decided to name her Alanna. After giving
her a feed and having skin to skin, I handed her over to her daddy
for a snooze and more skin to skin cuddles while I went down to
theatre to get stitched up. Luckily I managed to avoid a third degree
tear and I was back holding little Alanna within 45 minutes. After
that, our baby-moon began, we had tea and toast and marvelled at
our gorgeous daughter and all that had happened.

225
TRACY DONEGAN

I can honestly say that the prospect of having our baby at the side
of the road would have terrified me but it was honestly the most
wonderful, positive, fear free experience of my life. Apart from a
couple of shaky moments as I transitioned, I honestly felt no fear
throughout the whole labor and birth. Affirmations, surrounding
myself with positive stories, listening to GentleBirth tracks, and
doing everything possible to boost my oxytocin levels all helped
me to achieve the birth that I wanted. Having my amazing husband
support me in preparing Alanna’s birth was wonderful and I couldn’t
have done it without his support throughout the whole journey;
I felt unconditionally supported and I could not imagine a more
wonderful birth partner or father to our girls.

Our little baby is now three weeks old, feeding beautifully, sleeping
soundly and filling our lives with love and joy. Despite her somewhat
speedy arrival, she has been calm and content from the beginning,
we have no doubt that her birth story will be told every year on her
birthday with joy and pride and love.

226
 B IR T H

BIRTH BLESSING
by Natalie Evans

Close your eyes and breathe deep

Breathe in peace, breathe out pain
Imagine your feet
Toes curling into dirt
Think of yourself as rooted
Think of your place in the earth
How did you come to be here?
Through generations of women named
A maternal lineage
That brought you to this place
Think of their birth stories
What you know, what you believe to be true Realize that their births
carry deep wisdom
Some may carry the memory of joy and transcendence
Each birth is a powerful experience
Each birth traces down to you.
Just as you pass this knowledge on to your baby
Understand that your birth is your own
It will be different from all others
Like the swirls in your thumb
Your birth will have a unique pattern
Unfolding with each surge
Rising and falling like a newborn’s chest
This birth belongs to you
This birth is an opening
This birth is the end and a beginning
May this blessing of birth come to you without fear
May this blessing of birth come to you with great understanding May
this blessing of birth make your heart soar
May this blessing of birth bring shouts of delight to your lips
Blessings to you and your birth.

227
TRACY DONEGAN

BIRTH PLANS, PREFERENCES AND PRIORITIES

“Prepare for a no fault birth….If you confidently participate in

all the decisions made during your labor and delivery - even
those that were not in your birth plan - you are likely to look
upon your birth with no blame and no regrets.”

William and Martha Sears - The Birth Book

One of the most important skills needed by a new parent is the

ability to make decisions. Every pregnant mom is faced with a
million choices and often conflicting information. Every couple with
a newborn finds that they are essentially “on their own” after the
new baby arrives. That’s why learning the skill of sound decision
making now is key.

BIRTH PRIORITIES
Birth plans/preferences are essential if you want to avoid routine
procedures. Some women advise not to do them based on their
own experiences of having a birth plan. You may hear, “Don’t make
a birth plan because then you have high expectations and you can’t
control everything and you’ll be disappointed, etc., etc.” Maybe we
should have high expectations for the biggest day of our lives? Your
hospital has a birth plan for you so shouldn’t you explore what that
plan is and if it aligns with your vision of a positive birth?

Writing a birth plan is in some ways like preparing for a vacation

or any other big event: It’s all about planning and knowing what to
expect and being prepared for all eventualities. You first need to
know where it is that you want to go, followed by how you are going
to get there and the things that you will need while you are there
and what you plan to do while on holiday.

228
 B IR T H

If your best friend told you not to make a wedding plan and told
you to just go with the flow and let the wedding planner (or your
mother-in-law) take care of everything, how would you respond?

You wouldn’t just NOT make solid wedding plans just because you
can’t control the weather… you would have a contingency plan… a
plan B……

you’re getting married in July… and you want an outside champagne

reception when the guests arrive from the church. Well, you’d find a
hotel that offered that service and you’d discuss a backup plan with
them just in case it rains. You can’t control the weather but, if you’d
chosen a hotel without the option of moving the reception inside,
then you’d have a very different experience and most likely a very
disappointing one.

We can’t control everything in birth but you can explore all your
options so you’re the one in the driver’s seat. There is lots you can
control and you can always control your reaction to what’s going on
around you.

You’re asking questions and hopefully getting the answers you want
that are in line with your dream wedding. In some circumstances,
planning a GentleBirth requires the same commitment and attention.

DO I NEED BIRTH PREFERENCES?

I definitely recommend considering writing a couple of points but
it depends on you and your partner. How involved do you want to
be regarding decisions being made about your care in the hospital?

Some women prefer to completely go with the flow and hope that
everything will turn out fine and others want to be involved and
included in any decisions that may affect them or their baby. Of
course, there are rare circumstances when deferring to the medical
expert opinion is necessary but, considering that almost 80 - 90% of
women have straightforward pregnancy and births, it’s unlikely that

229
TRACY DONEGAN

this will be the case for you. The key word here is “involved” and,
in the context of labor, you could define that as having a curious
attitude about routine offerings at your hospital.

For some hospitals, it means policies have been implemented

involving routine procedures to help speed things up without it
being clinically necessary.

Think of your birth plan as your birth preferences, birth priorities,

or an expression of your expectations. Even if you never write them
down, it’s a good discussion starter with your midwife/obstetrician
on how you’d like to be supported during your baby’s birth. Chances
are you’ll have never met your midwife before, so it helps her
understand what’s important to you. Keep your preferences flexible,
depending on what’s going on during your baby’s birth.

Sometimes it can just help you get your thoughts organized about
what you’d like or not like ahead of time, along with understanding
what you’re likely to be offered at your hospital. You also have a
chance ahead of time to consider what your options are if things
don’t go as planned. This often gives couples a sense of relief that
they know they can handle whatever comes their way during the
birth of their baby.

Some moms shy away from writing down their birth preferences,
especially if they have the mistaken belief that it’s going to guarantee
that specific things will or won’t happen during labor; we know that
babies don’t read birth plans.

There aren’t any guarantees in labor so, if you are expecting that a
birth plan is going to guarantee that something will or won’t happen,
then you could really be setting yourself up for disappointment. It’s
not the birth plan itself that can cause disappointment in labor but
your expectations and motivation for creating it.

Sometimes I will hear moms who say, “As soon as I got to the
hospital the birth plan went out the window.” If you’ve done your

230
 B IR T H

homework, have prepared well, and you understand the offerings

at your hospital in managing your labor, then this is highly unlikely
to happen as you and your partner are making all of the decisions
with input from your midwife/obstetrician - and not the other way
around.

WHAT DOES THE RESEARCH SAY?

I was really excited to read a recent study that suggests birth
preferences and attending birth preparation classes significantly
reduce cesarean births in first-time mothers.

The study included over 20,000 births in the Los Angeles area and
suggests that first time mothers who attended childbirth education
and had written birth preferences were significantly more likely to
have a vaginal birth (72.6% vs. 64.1%).

Even more encouraging is Amy DeBaets 2017 AJOG (Call to Action)

for care providers to move away from hospital ‘checklist’ style birth
plans to ‘birth partnership’ discussions throughout pregnancy so
there is open communication between mother and care provider
and if there are significant differences in ethos there is plenty of
time for discussion and informed decision making.

Consider taking a GentleBirth workshop so you’ll learn what’s

available in your place of birth and understand more about how
to effectively write and communicate your preferences. Whenever
possible talk through your wishes with your care provider (bring
your partner along too) long before your EDD.

AVOIDING WOBBLES AT BIRTH

PREFERENCE DISCUSSIONS
When speaking to your care provider about your birth preferences
in pregnancy, remember to use the two questions if you find the
discussion stressful. This will help keep the fear response on a tight

231
TRACY DONEGAN

leash so you can gather more information to help you make an

informed decision.

Question 1 - What is my brain telling me right now?

Question 2 - Is it useful?

New research recommends a few moments of meditation before

any medical appointment. Just a few minutes listening to the App
before your appointment will help you retain more information and
feel calmer to ask questions.

SAMPLE SCENARIO
You’re 39 weeks after a near-perfect pregnancy. However your baby
is not engaged and is predicted to be a ‘big’ baby. Your care provider
has just suggested that you induce an induction or planned cesarean.
If you’ve been attending your appointments with the expectation of
a spontaneous labor supported by your care provider this out of the
blue recommendation can throw up a huge wobble.

Right now, your brain is probably throwing up all kinds of worst-case

scenarios of what this unengaged baby means for the length of your
labor, your perineum, and your pain tolerance.

Are those thoughts useful? Nope! Not even a bit – especially as we

don’t make good decisions when the ‘college’ students are in charge.
We need to create that bit of distance between the brain and you so
you don’t jump on an unfortunate train of thought to terror town.

Now you can calmly and rationally respond to your care provider
“Thank you, Dr. Graham, we will consider this carefully and let you
know our decision”.

232
 B IR T H

GentleBirth Mom

“GentleBirth gave me autonomy. It was a wonderful experience.

I have children and only learned about it for my last labor. I
would highly recommend it. I labored alone with my player and
my TENS machine. I felt very much in control. I recommend to
anyone who will listen to me.”

HOSPITAL PROCEDURES - ROUTINE OR RARE?

Time Limits on Labor

At the time of publishing the WHO published new research that
recommends re-evaluating the time limits on labor. You might be
surprised to learn that in some hospitals you are on the clock.
There is an outdated expectation that your cervix will dilate at 1cm
per hour and if it doesn’t then your uterus must be dysfunctional
(instead of considering the guideline could be dysfunctional).
Thankfully the start of active labor is now considered 6cm which
means there’s no need to accelerate your labor before then – but
it’s still very common. Talk to your careprovider about the average
length of labor for a healthy first time mom – 24 hours wouldn’t be
unusual.

EATING IN LABOR - WHY IT’S GOOD

FOR YOU AND YOUR BABY
As a mom-to-be, you’ve probably never been more focused on food
than any other time in your life. Even analogies about baby’s size and
our body parts are associated with food, as if we weren’t obsessed
enough! Your baby is the size of a bean… your uterus is now the size
of a grapefruit your boobs are like well, you get the picture! You’ve
probably spent endless hours online researching what you can and
can’t eat during pregnancy.

233
TRACY DONEGAN

Some moms have cravings and can’t get enough of a particular food,
while others struggle with all-day morning sickness and it takes a
huge amount of willpower and determination to even get a few dry
crackers past your lips.

There’s also pica, which is the term for unusual cravings. The
reason that some women develop pica cravings during pregnancy
is not known for certain. There is currently no identified cause; but,
according to the Journal of American Dietetic Association, there may
be a connection to an iron deficiency.

Some speculate that pica cravings are the body’s attempt to obtain
vitamins or minerals that are missing from a mom’s diet.

The most common substances craved during pregnancy are dirt/

clay. Other pica cravings include burnt matches, stones, charcoal,
mothballs, ice, cornstarch, toothpaste, soap, sand, plaster, coffee
grounds, baking soda, and cigarette ashes…… ewwwwww!

A balanced diet in pregnancy is essential for both mom and baby.

Expectant moms often spend a significant amount of time “grazing”
or snacking regularly to keep their blood sugar normal.

If you’ve missed a meal lately, you’ve probably experienced some of

the following side effects:

Increased crankiness

Exhaustion due to low blood sugar. You may even have passed out.

Skipping meals during pregnancy isn’t recommended and you’d

never willingly starve yourself during your pregnancy, so why would
you do it in labor?

Let’s look at the history of where this began and what can happen
when a mom is refused nourishment during labor (assuming she’s
hungry).

234
 B IR T H

Mendelson’s Syndrome: This refers to the inhalation of gastric

contents of the stomach and is a risk during intubation for a general
anesthetic (you’ve probably seen intubation on “Grey’s Anatomy”).

Today most cesareans are performed with a spinal or epidural. It is

rare to have a general anesthetic for a cesarean birth. The original
article by Mendelson dates back to 1946, so it’s a little bit outdated.
The great news is that in 1961 a technique called Sellick’s maneuver
was developed, which minimized the risk of gastric contents entering
the lungs during a general anesthetic.

What a breakthrough for laboring moms. It meant that all normal

low-risk women (80 - 90% of moms reading this) could go back to
eating in labor again!! Yay!!! But wait a minute that was over 47 years
ago obviously some hospitals missed that memo.

Without food for a long period of time, a laboring mom’s body

enters into ketosis. When you first deprive your body of food, your
metabolism begins to shift to accommodate this. The first stage is
known as lipolysis, which means your body is burning fat to provide
you with energy (sounds like a great way of burning off those extra
pregnancy pounds…… AFTER you’ve had your baby!!)

Ketosis is the second part of the process that takes place when your
body has no carbs to provide it with energy so it needs to use the
energy from the fat being burned; in a nutshell (see, can’t stay away
from those food analogies). The unused portions of the fat cells are
called ketones and are removed from the body in the urine. Ketosis
is a signal that you are breaking down your fat reserves…… your
body is effectively eating itself to give you energy during labor.

So you’re at the hospital … starving … snappy … exhausted and that’s

just your partner! Plus you feel pain much more intensely. That
doesn’t sound like a recipe for a positive birth.

235
TRACY DONEGAN

Of course, some moms have no interest in eating in labor, if they’re

very anxious and afraid during labor, adrenaline slows the digestive
process.

If you’re giving birth in a hospital that is stuck back in the 1940s,

bring along some snacks for yourself and your partner - just in case
you do get hungry. Chances are you won’t be in the mood for a Big
Mac.

Thankfully there are some fantastic midwives around that are happy
for you to snack to keep your energy levels up if you’re hungry, so
all is not lost.

Bon appétit!!

BIRTH PLANS AND FINE DINING

If you’ve attended some hospital prenatal classes, you will have had
the set menu or what I call the drive-thru menu explained to you.
What you probably don’t know is that your hospital has a wonderful
a la carte menu available too. You’d probably stop going to your
favorite restaurant if they suddenly changed the menu and took all
of your favorites off because the drive-thru menu was quicker and
more cost-effective for the restaurant.

WHAT’S ON THE DRIVE-THRU MENU?

• Frequent vaginal exams to make sure you haven’t deviated
from the set timetable.
• Your waters are artificially released to speed up the
process.
• IV Pitocin to speed up your labor if you don’t keep up with
the hospital timetable.
• Continuous monitoring (making it much harder to move
about) and a very high false positive rate of detecting
distress babies.

236
 B IR T H

• Epidural needed due to the IV Pitocin which has made the

surges more intense for you and your baby.
• Cesarean or forceps/vacuum to pull your baby out when
the epidural affects pushing and your time is up.
• Episiotomy from the assisted delivery.

(Note: If you choose the set menu above you may only have 12 hours
or less to give birth.)

GIVING BIRTH A LA CARTE

As with any dining experience, you decide what appeals to you and,
if you’re not sure, then having a helpful midwife recommend an
option to you can be priceless. She may suggest options to you that
you might never have considered before to make your experience
a good one.

Assuming that all things are normal, there’s no hurry, no time limits.
You can choose not to have the drip and labor in your own time and
on your terms. You may decide that releasing the waters so early
isn’t for you. Midwives are experts in a la carte birth and are great
resources in helping you choose what’s right for you and your baby,
rather than the drive-thru menu that everyone else gets.

That’s why putting some thought into what you want in labor is so
important. Having the drive-thru menu just because it’s all you’ve
been offered often results in more intervention than is necessary
and not as positive an experience. Yes, you’ll probably have your
baby quicker (drive-thru is all about speed and convenience), but
your experience may not be as positive as it would have been had
you known the wonderful a la carte options that were available. A la
carte births are usually easier to achieve at home (after all, you own
the restauran.) or at a birth center.

You can, of course, choose to have the drive-thru menu. If speed is

your main priority and you’d rather have someone choose the menu

237
TRACY DONEGAN

for you, then drive-thru can be very appealing. Having no idea of

what you want and choosing to just go with the flow means you let
the staff choose the menu for you; that’s exactly what you want if
there is an emergency … they are the experts … but as most women
have normal labors, a la carte is generally the safest way to go for
you and your baby. International studies have also shown that the
drive-thru menu is not the healthiest option for moms and babies.

Get thinking about your choices and how you can make this
experience as positive as possible. Once you’re in the line for drive-
thru, it’s tricky to get out of it. You just follow the car ahead of you
and hope for the best. Comparing birth to a fine dining experience
may be a stretch, but ask yourself: Do you want a drive-thru delivery,
where you get what you’re given (physically healthy baby and
hopefully a physically healthy mom) or the a la carte birth, where
it’s about safety and quality (yes, you can have both …… mom and

baby are both physically and emotionally healthy… I know what

Gordon Ramsay would say…)

238
 B IR T H

SAMPLE BIRTH PRIORITIES

My partner and I are looking forward to having a positive birth
experience at with your support.

We understand that birth can be unpredictable but if my baby and

I are well we would appreciate your support in the following areas.

During Labor
• I would like to keep vaginal exams to a minimum (i.e., on
admission) and only at my request after that (unless there
is a concern for my baby).
• I prefer not to have an IV or hep-lock on admission.
• I prefer to labor and birth in any position that I find
comfortable.
• I prefer to have intermittent monitoring unless there is a
concern for my baby.
• As long as labor progresses normally and my baby and I
are well, I prefer not to have my waters released or have
my labor speeded up with Pitocin.
• When I am fully dilated, and assuming our baby is doing
well, I would like to wait until I feel the urge to push before
beginning the second stage.
• If I have an epidural I prefer to have at least 1-2 hours of
passive descent before beginning active pushing.
• I prefer not to have an episiotomy.
• I prefer that my baby does not have routine suctioning if
all is well.
• If all is well I prefer to have a physiological 3rd stage.

After the Birth

• If my labor has minimal intervention I prefer a physiological
third stage.
• Please allow the cord to finish pulsating and wait until it
is white.

239
TRACY DONEGAN

• I would prefer to have immediate uninterrupted skin-to-

skin with my baby.
• I prefer for my baby not to have antibiotic eye ointment as
I have been tested in pregnancy for STDs.
• Please delay all non-urgent routine procedures such as
weighing, Vitamin K, and baby checks.
• I plan to breastfeed.

SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES
Should intervention become necessary, we would appreciate being
fully informed of all risks, benefits, and alternatives.

If a cesarean becomes necessary, my partner will remain with me at

all times. Time permitting, I prefer not to have general anesthesia
and would like to have the drape lowered to see my baby being born
and have immediate skin-to-skin.

BIRTH STORY
First-Time Mom’s Experience
On Sunday, I was convinced that I would have my baby the following
day (my EDD was the Saturday). I went for a lovely walk in the park
and felt the pressure of my baby in my pelvis but no surges or any
pain, just an overall ‘sense’ (possibly wishful thinking!). The head
had been engaged since week 38 so I had thought I would not go
too far over the EDD. I had a disturbed night’s sleep on Sunday
night but I am a heavy sleeper so it could have been surges, I
don’t know! Monday morning 8am I had a show and started to feel
surges irregularly. I told my husband it would probably be a good
idea for him to stay off work and come with me to my consultant’s
appointment I had that morning at 11. The consultant listened
to what I was feeling and told me I could be a few days away or
imminent and offered to check if I wished. I accepted and she was

240
 B IR T H

quite surprised to inform me that I was fully effaced and 3-4cm

dilated. Since I am quite near to the Coombe, she suggested I head
home and that she would see me that night! I couldn’t believe I had
got to that point and it didn’t feel like a big deal but I was so excited
that the baby was on the way. I went home, put on the TENS, sat on
my ball and had some lunch while watching Netflix but had to keep
pausing it to get up on the couch to kneel and breathe through the
surges. By about 2pm, I realized I needed to get back to the hospital
as surges were very close together and all of a sudden there was a
huge pressure and what I assume were my waters releasing. I had
a little wobble at that point as I thought the baby would be born
at home! It was a bit of a Hollywood movie scenario to get out the
door and to the hospital in a hurry as I felt the baby was really
pressing down and about to come but I listened to my tracks in the
car and refocused. On admittance I was 9cm and brought straight
to delivery – they initially offered me the birthing pool as I had it
in my preferences but I was too far along so didn’t have time. I had
no admittance trace, I kept the TENS machine on throughout, the
midwife and consultant were joking with me that I was still smiling
(in between surges). I knelt on the bed, leaning over the top and I
didn’t feel the need for any other pain relief. Our baby girl was born
within about 50 minutes of our arriving in the hospital at 3:50pm.
Cord clamping was delayed as were all checks to allow skin-to-skin
and nursing as per my preferences but I did need to have some
intervention for the third stage as I was losing a little too much
blood. For delivery of the placenta, I used the gas and air and I had
a second-degree tear so needed a few stitches. But throughout I
felt listened to and respected and that nothing was done unless it
had to be. I felt empowered by the knowledge I had received from
GentleBirth. Most of all I was ecstatic to welcome my daughter and
when the midwife placed her under me on the bed I was the one to
announce ‘It’s a girl!’, which I will remember forever.

241
TRACY DONEGAN

DOULAS

What is a Doula?
The word “doula” comes from Greece, meaning “in service.” A doula is a
trained professional labor assistant who understands the emotional
and physical needs of a woman in labor and provides continuous
support and care for the parents prenatally and throughout labor
and birth. More and more hospitals are recognizing the benefits to
mothers who choose to have additional birth support. A doula does
not replicate the role of the midwife or nurse but complements
their care. Full disclosure - I’m a little bit biased towards doulas as
I’m a doula trainer for DONA International and I started Ireland’s
first doula service in 2005. It was my experience of having a doula
with my first son Jack in 2003 that put me on the path to becoming
a doula, a midwife and developing this program. Having that extra
support for you and your partner whether it’s at home or hospital
can’t be underestimated.

Along with your emotional and physical comfort, your midwife is also
responsible for your clinical care and hospital protocol (charting,
notes, etc.), whereas your doula is there purely for your emotional
support and physical comfort measures. You have your very own
cheerleader that you have personally chosen to be with you on this
amazing day.

What Are the Benefits of Having a Doula?

We believe in “mothering the mother” - enabling a woman to

have a much more satisfying, positive, and empowered experience
before, during, and after birth, and thus allowing a baby to have a
better start in life. On arrival at the hospital, you don’t know the
midwives and they don’t know you. You will have had several visits
with your doula, getting to know each other and going through your
birth options. Your doula enhances your birth experience through
information, support, empathy, and physical assistance.

242
 B IR T H

In over 20 years of worldwide research, women supported by a doula

during labor have been shown to have:

• Significant reduction in cesarean rates

• 25% shorter labor
• 60% reduction in epidural requests
• 30% reduction in analgesia use
• 40% reduction in forceps delivery

Consider this: If the benefits of doula care were available in a pill, it

would be as crucial as folate in early pregnancy and unethical not
to use it.

For more information, visit http://www.DONA.org.

MAKING INFORMED CHOICES

Every mom should be enabled to make informed choices about the
care you receive during pregnancy, childbirth and afterward.

Why Is It Important? As a parent, you have the opportunity and

responsibility to make many important decisions about your care
during pregnancy, birth, and the time after birth. The decisions you
make and the maternity care you receive can have lasting effects on
the health and well- being of your baby, yourself, and your family.

It is the responsibility of professionals involved in your care to

explain what your choices are, to provide clear, unbiased, and easy-
to-understand information, and to support you in considering your
options and making your decisions. The choices you make should
be respected and supported.

It is always important to understand whether there is a good

rationale for any procedure, drug, test, or treatment that is being
given or offered to you. In many care settings, certain practices are
used freely and even routinely, whether or not the mother or babies

243
TRACY DONEGAN

actually need it, but as a way of managing staffing levels, especially

in a busy hospital.

Although these practices may be of value to women or babies in

certain rare situations, they are usually unnecessary for most.

They can be disruptive and uncomfortable, can cause more serious

side effects, and can lead to the use of other interventions. For
these reasons, interventions should not be used routinely or
unnecessarily, but on a case-by-case basis, not just because it is
hospital policy or your caregiver’s normal practice.

WHAT DOES MAKING

INFORMED CHOICES MEAN?
Making informed decisions means learning and thinking about
the best information available on birth options and then deciding
what’s right for you.

The BRAIN technique provides a framework for finding and

organizing information in order to make an informed choice. This
will help ensure that you can get answers to all of your questions
and have access to the kind of care that is right for you. It is useful
to practice the BRAIN technique, as it can be used for any daily
decision making that you will need to do, not just within the context
of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. With practice, this framework
will come naturally in times of stress.

WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP ENSURE

THAT THE CARE THAT I RECEIVE
DURING LABOR AND BIRTH
WILL BE BEST FOR MY BABY?
Your choice of caregiver and choice of birth setting can have a
major impact on the care that you receive during labor and birth.
US research indicated that the biggest influence on whether you will

244
 B IR T H

have a cesarean is not your age or pregnancy complications but the

hospital you choose. You may need to explore several possibilities
to find a caregiver and birth setting that offer care consistent with
the best evidence and with your needs and preferences. When
parents find out that most routine labor procedures found in many
hospitals are not based on sound evidence it’s quite sobering. Like
you, I assumed that everything done to my baby and me must be
evidence-based… mustn’t it? In a perfect world it would be but we’re
far from it.

It isn’t possible to know ahead of time exactly what your labor

experience will be like. Being as informed as possible in advance
will help you deal confidently with any new decisions that may arise
at the time. It is important to learn about your options, get answers
to your questions, and think about your preferences well before
labor begins. Be sure your partner is also aware of your wishes and
is prepared to speak on your behalf if the need arises. (A doula
does not speak on your behalf; her role is to help you find your
voice and feel confident using it in labor if needed). The BRAIN tool
is very helpful for parents but, if you are in a stressful situation,
you need to do the STOP technique first so that you can access the
part of your brain that will help you put the tool to good use. If the
‘downstairs’ brain is firing off and in a panic, it will shut down your
access to the ‘upstairs’ brain, making it almost impossible to take in
any information and make rational intentional decisions.

245
TRACY DONEGAN

USE YOUR “BRAIN” TO MAKE INFORMED CHOICES

Benefits

Risks

Alternatives

Intuition

Nothing (ask for some more time)

The GentleBirth philosophy does not advocate refusing medical

assistance. We encourage all parents to discuss their birth options
during the prenatal period and during the birth process. Our
philosophy promotes individualized care for mom and baby rather
than routine (one size fits all) care for our GentleBirth families.

BIRTH STORY
First-Time Mom’s Experience
Our baby arrived a few days early in Holles Street last week and
he’s just perfect! Birth was great too, drug-free, just used the TENS
machine and that’s it. My waters broke (all clear) on Friday 5th
evening and we went into Holles St., they did a trace and allowed
me to go home until Sunday morning 8am before they induced me.
I managed to get them to extend the time allowed and high-tailed
it to an acupuncturist on Saturday morning. My contractions started
at 3pm later that day on Saturday 6th. We went back into Holles
St around 2am on Sunday morning, and I was 2cm dilated and we
stayed in the delivery suite. Midwives were great and really went
with the birth plan, except for one that I had to have stern words
with while trying to manage the contractions!

246
 B IR T H

Hardest stage for me was definitely the pushing, but otherwise

it was all manageable. My placenta came out by itself, 5 seconds
after I started skin-to-skin! Couldn’t believe it! It just dropped out!
Honestly, the hardest part was navigating your way through their
system. It’s not that they’re trying to be obstructive, it’s just they
have procedures, which I understand. I really had to have words
with one midwife, who wasn’t the one actually with me on the labor
but another one, that wanted me to have the trace on constantly,
move rooms, tried to break my fore waters, etc., etc. (They broke
themselves 30 seconds later on the birthing stool!)

She even had a doctor come in to explain to me why the trace had to
be on, and I again mentioned I was happy with intermittent.

Then she backed off and started telling me how well I was dilating
and that it all looked very positive.

I feel back to my normal self, it’s incredible how fast the body heals.
I do put it down to sticking to the natural way. And baby’s doing
great, I’m breastfeeding, he was 2.98 kg at birth and is 3.1 kg already
4 days in!

INTERNATIONAL BEST PRACTICE SUPPORTS

THE GENTLEBIRTH PHILOSOPHY
Most GentleBirth moms planning a hospital birth arrive at the
hospital well into a spontaneous, progressing labor and they
therefore avoid the routine interruptions of labor (see chart below).
Achieving a calm, confident GentleBirth is more likely when you
and your partner explore routine offerings with a curious attitude
and choose the option that is most appropriate to your needs and
circumstances at the time.

247
TRACY DONEGAN

For Healthy Moms and Babies

International
Routine Best Practice
Best
Procedures Recommendations
Practice?
Restriction of
No Eat/drink at will
food/ drink
Continuous
monitoring No Intermittent monitoring
with EFM
Vaginal exams
No Every 4 hours
every 2 hours
Artificial
release of No Waters release spontaneously.
waters
Caregiver to provide time and
Routine use space for the woman to relax
of Pitocin IV and progress. Unnecessary
No
to drive labor for healthy women unless
chemically labor stalls at 6cm for
approximately 4 hours.
1-2 hour time
limit on the Minimum of 3 hrs for first time
No
2nd stage moms. More with an epidural.
of birth
Mother leads - only with the
Coached urge to bear down in the
pushing (purple No position chosen by the mother.
pushing) Passive descent encouraged
for mothers with an epidural.

Episiotomy No In emergency situations only

248
 B IR T H

Unnecessary in healthy
Routine
vigorous babies as it can
nose/mouth
No cause a drop in infant heart
suctioning of a
rate. Wiping the nose/
healthy baby
mouth is sufficient.
At least 1-2 minutes
Immediate
No before clamping the
cord clamping
cord. ‘Wait for White”

Many US hospitals recommend having an IV cannula sited for the

administration of drugs during the birth process. International best
practice would not support this as routine care due to the risk of
infection and discomfort for mom.

Another unnecessary and scientifically disputed procedure for

your newborn is the routine administration of antibiotics to your
baby’s eyes to prevent neonatal ophthalmia, which is essentially
conjunctivitis (pink eye) contracted during birth, if the mother has
gonorrhea or chlamydia. If you believe you are not at risk of having
these sexually transmitted diseases, you can decline this treatment.
It can blur your baby’s vision and may impact bonding as well as
impacting all the good bacteria your baby is supposed to have when
he’s born that may take months to replace. Remember, your baby
has just moved house very suddenly there are bright lights loud
noises and it’s a lot colder so giving drops that may irritate your
baby’s vision can be very stressful for him.

Bathing your baby soon after birth can affect your baby’s ability
to maintain his temperature and drop his blood sugars. This is the
perfect time for lots of skin-to-skin.

There are no proven medical benefits to circumcision and it

introduces risks to your newborn baby boy. The American Academy
of Pediatrics no longer supports male circumcision.

249
TRACY DONEGAN

Be sure to discuss these routine procedures with your health care

provider ahead of time.

Dads/birth partners, remember the two key questions to help you

determine if interrupting the natural flow of birth is really necessary
due to a compelling reason (mom/baby’s health) or is it simply due
to time/resource restrictions or hospital policy.

As long as mom and baby are ok, ask for more time so you both
enjoy a more relaxed, calm, confident, undisturbed, uninterrupted
GentleBirth.

INDUCTION: PUTTING IT
ALL INTO PERSPECTIVE
With induction rates continuing to climb, some GentleBirth moms will
be faced with this dilemma, just for going past their guess dates. The
WHO defines full term as 37 – 42 completed weeks. Labor is usually
safest and easiest for mom and baby when it starts spontaneously.
Thankfully, more and more hospitals are moving away from social
inductions due to the risks to baby and are encouraging moms to
wait until they have 41 completed weeks of pregnancy. Talk to your
care provider about when they would recommend induction of labor
without medical indications.

INDUCTION IS NOT GAME OVER

There may be medical circumstances that require induction and,
although your plans may have changed, there’s no need to resign
yourself to the idea that you won’t have a positive birth. Induction
is a game-changer but it’s definitely not game over for a positive
birth. Your labor toolkit will be even more valuable now. All of your
GentleBirth preparation will pay off as you get ready to meet your
new baby. Is an induced birth a more challenging one? Sometimes …
and it’s more likely to be if you expect it to be. If induction is looking
likely for you, I recommend using your Fear Release training and

250
 B IR T H

writing some new affirmations for yourself. Write a list of positive

aspects of the induction to get you into a more positive frame of
mind. With a little effort, you can keep your focus very positive
especially with the positive induction training to help prime your
body for a positive induction experience.

EAT YOUR DATES

While we’re talking about due dates there’s another kind of date
to consider. New research suggests that eating dates in the last
few weeks of pregnancy may reduce the likelihood of having to
be induced, needing Pitocin to speed up your labor and reducing
bleeding after birth. They are high in natural sugars so if you’re
monitoring your blood sugars be sure watch to how they impact
your levels. The recommendations are 6 dates a day over the last 4
weeks of your pregnancy. I’m not a fan of the taste of dates myself
but put it in a sticky toffee pudding and I’m there!

PREPARING FOR A POSITIVE INDUCTION

As full term approaches, talk often turns to the “eviction notice”… the
weather is too hot… you’re feeling heavy sleep is elusive… induction
can sound enticing. For some moms, an unexpected complication
means an abrupt end to the dream of a spontaneous labor waking
up to the waters releasing during the night the excited anticipation
of every sensation becoming something more. Induction does not
mean “game over” if you’ve been planning to give birth without
an epidural. Your birth preferences will, of course, need to adapt,
but you can still maintain some control over what happens on the
day and when, especially if you and baby are well. Whether your
induction was good news or not, there’s still lots you can do to have
a positive birth experience for you and your baby.

251
TRACY DONEGAN

NEED MORE TIME?

Induction policies differ, depending on the hospital you’re attending
and your caregiver. Asking for a few extra days is usually quite
acceptable these days if you and baby are well. Many caregivers
offer induction in the mistaken belief that all moms are fed up and
want to end the pregnancy. It’s a case of “if you don’t ask, you don’t
get.” If you are full term and are being induced because the “waters
are low,” sometimes the waters are just on the low side of normal
and still within normal ranges. Ask if this is the case for you. Studies
have shown that drinking extra fluids before a scan increases the
amniotic fluid volume (as does water aerobics), so be sure you’re
well hydrated when going for a scan after your guess date.

A FEW DAYS BEFORE

Before you and your caregiver decide on a date for your induction,
ask your caregiver for your Bishop’s score, which is a scoring
system that includes information such as how ready your cervix is
for induction. The higher the score, the more likely your induction
is to be straightforward, with minimal complications for you and
your baby. If your score is low, you and your caregiver can consider
moving your induction date to a later date, especially if you’ve
had a healthy pregnancy. In the days before an induction, you
may be offered a sweep or you can request one. This is an internal
examination where the midwife/obstetrician tries to insert a finger
into the opening of the cervix to separate the amniotic sac from the
cervix and encourage the release of the hormones responsible for
effacing and softening the cervix so it can open easily. You may have
some spotting and crampiness after this procedure; if you have any
concerns, call your maternity unit. In rare cases, the waters may
accidentally release during this examination. Talk to your caregiver
about the pros/cons of having a sweep.

252
 B IR T H

Step 1 - Prostaglandins
For first-time moms, induction is often started with a pessary or gel
(Cervidil) of synthetic hormones (prostaglandin) that is placed next
to the cervix to soften it and hopefully kick-start the process. You
may have several doses of this hormone over a couple of days, so
resting and eating/staying hydrated are the orders of the day. If you
have an epidural, eating is likely to be discouraged. You will have a
period of continuous monitoring after the induction is begun and
then hopefully left to your own devices for a few hours to mobilize.
A second-time mom who has a soft ripe cervix may only need her
waters released. Some caregivers use a drug called Misoprostol/
Cytotec, which has been associated with some high profile cases.
Be sure to discuss what medication is likely to be used for your
induction. In some cases, a Foley bulb is used, which is like a small
balloon that is inflated to stretch the cervix, causing it to release
prostaglandins. It can be very effective and some hospitals send
moms home to rest rather than being in the hospital, staring at the
four walls and willing labor to start. Ask if it’s an option for you.

Step 2 - Releasing the Waters

The next step in an induction is usually release of the waters around
your baby in an attempt to encourage your baby to descend and
apply more direct pressure to your cervix to dilate. You can ask for
this step to be postponed for a few more hours if labor is starting to
get established and you are coping well. The timing of the release
of waters is dependent on how well the gel has worked or if you are
already dilated with or without Step 1. During this procedure, your
midwife will insert a plastic instrument (amnihook) and nick the bag
of waters. The waters will continue to trickle and gush throughout
the birth process, so bring a few pairs of underwear and maternity
pads.

253
TRACY DONEGAN

Step 3 – IV Pitocin/Syntocinon
This is the final step in a chemical induction; its function is to drive
the uterus artificially to contract longer and more frequently. If
you’re currently at Step 2 you can ask for more time before moving
to Step 3. Nipple stimulation (manually or with a breast pump) can
increase your own body’s natural oxytocin. You’ll have an IV placed
into your hand to administer the drugs. The drip is generally not
given within six hours of the last dose of prostaglandin gel. The
drip is turned up frequently to a maximum dose as long as your
baby is tolerating the longer surges. With the drip comes continuous
monitoring so movement can be restricted.

COMFORT STRATEGIES WITHOUT MEDICATION

You’re Stronger Than You Think.

Consider having a doula whether you are being induced or not.
Don’t underestimate the benefits of extra support on the big day
for you and your partner, as inductions can sometimes be longer.
All mothers need continuous emotional support during labor,
especially in a strange clinical environment like the hospital but
most parents don’t realize they won’t have 1:1 continuous care
from a nurse (especially in U.S. hospitals) where your nurse may be
looking after more than one family.

Mental focus - Use your brain training 30 minutes before your

induction starts so you are relaxed and keeping your adrenaline
levels low. Use your positive induction training in the days leading
up to the induction to get you in a positive frame of mind, especially
if the idea of induction is less than appealing. Write your list of
positive aspects of being induced to help shift your mindset. Bring
along some items from home to make the space your own. Mammals
nest in a space chosen by them, so you’ll be making a new “nest” in
your hospital. Items to consider include a special photo that brings
back positive memories and music that transports you to a happy

254
 B IR T H

time in your life. These are simple ways to increase your natural
pain-relieving hormones.

Slow breathing - Slow comfortable breathing is a simple way to

maintain focus and feelings of control. Breathe all the way down
to your baby slowly and deeply to keep you and your baby well
oxygenated and relaxed.

TENS Machine - Start using your TENS machine 30 minutes before

the start of your induction to give your natural pain-relieving
endorphins a boost. Bring your own birth ball and use it when you’re
on the monitor to keep you comfortable. You can also stand or sit in
a chair when staff members need to listen in to your baby. Lying flat
on your back on the bed can make the sensations more intense and
makes it harder for your baby to descend.

For Step 1 and Step 2, use the bath/shower; deep warm water
immersion is very effective in releasing your body’s own birth
hormones and it can keep you more comfortable.

Acupressure techniques can be very effective during an induction.

Use your VR headset to reduce the intensity of the surges.

COMFORT STRATEGIES WITH MEDICATION

“At the end of the day after 60 hours of labor

GentleBirth gave me a sense of calm and
togetherness to tell people what I needed which
thankfully included the epidural.”
–Laura Mitchell–

255
TRACY DONEGAN

Nitrous oxide is becoming more widely available throughout the U.S.

and can provide excellent analgesia. It is administered through a
mouthpiece as mom breathes in the “laughing gas.” If mom doesn’t
like using it, she can stop and it is out of your system very quickly
with minimal side effects for your baby.

Narcotics such as Fentanyl, Morphine or Pethidine make some

moms feel quite “spaced out,” sleepy, and sometimes nauseous. It
passes to your baby and some babies may need help remembering
to breathe when they are born. If this happens, your baby will be
given a drug to reverse the side effects. It can also affect your baby’s
ability to breastfeed.

Epidural - Some caregivers recommend the epidural for Step 3

(Pitocin IV), as some moms find the intensity of the artificially driven
surges along with tiredness more difficult to cope with. Limited
mobility can make the experience more difficult. Ask for monitoring
while sitting on the ball or standing if you don’t have the epidural.
Not all moms find the chemical surges more difficult to cope with.
Keep an open mind rather than automatically having an epidural
and potentially adding more complications to your baby’s birth.
Some of the trade-offs include an increase in instrumental births,
longer labor, and an increase in temperature for mom. Only you
know how well you are coping. You may surprise yourself; you’re
stronger than you think.

Induction can be a very positive experience and, although there are

some things you have no control over during birth, you always have
control over how you respond to what’s happening in your experience.
Be engaged and curious about your care; ask questions and talk to
other GentleBirth moms who have had positive inductions.

The Bishop’s score is a somewhat subjective scoring system used to

determine how successful an induction of labor might be for you.
The higher the score, the better. To ensure your own induction’s
success rate, ask about your Bishop’s score. Induction with a low

256
 B IR T H

Bishop’s score can mean a more challenging birth for you and your
baby.

BIRTH PARTNERS –
TIME TO ADOPT A CURIOUS ATTITUDE
Birth partners/dads, it’s important to keep the atmosphere as calm
and relaxed as possible during birth, and labor is certainly no time
to be debating hospital policy. A pleasant curious attitude with a
smile will go a long way. If an intervention such as speeding up
labor or releasing the waters is being offered, there are a few key
questions that you can ask to make sure the procedure really is
necessary and not just a routine procedure to rush your partner
through labor. It’s easy to feel intimidated by medical staff (though
this is rarely intentional by the staff) and not feel confident enough
to ask questions because you have no medical training, but here
are a few questions to help you “protect the space” so mom can
stay focused on giving birth in her own time on her own terms and
cocooned in the “zone.”

Is my partner OK?

Is our baby OK?

Put simply, if you don’t ask for the birth you want you’ll get the birth
you’re given.

UNEXPECTED CHANGES TO YOUR PREFERRED

BIRTH PLAN (INDUCTION OR CESAREAN)
This is a powerful technique, based on CBT (cognitive behavioral
therapy), to help shift your perspective from the negative to a more
positive mindset in the event you develop a complication in pregnancy
that changes your birth preferences significantly. Most moms have

257
TRACY DONEGAN

healthy normal pregnancies but, if you find yourself in this situation,

you can reframe how you feel about the changes so you stay on track
for a positive birth experience no matter what cards you are dealt.

We start off with the “minus” column below and define the problem.
Then you move across to the plus column and find a positive; see
the first example, adapted from the novel Robinson Crusoe by Daniel
Defoe. The positive side always starts with BUT - as it reduces the
emotional “punch” of the first sentence.

Negative Positive Reframe

EXAMPLE - I’ve been
BUT I survived when
shipwrecked on a
everyone else drowned.
remote island.
BUT at least I know my baby
I’m being induced tomorrow will be in my arms very
due to a serious complication. soon. BUT I’m so grateful
This really isn’t what I wanted. that my midwife detected
the problem so early.
BUT this is the safest way
My baby is transverse and for my baby to be born.
I have to have a cesarean. BUT I can prepare myself
I’m so disappointed. now and don’t have the
unpredictability of labor.
My blood pressure is BUT the epidural is helping
dangerously high and I me have the safest birth for
need to have an epidural my baby. BUT I don’t need it
to bring it down. I really for pain relief; I’m coping with
wanted a natural birth. the sensations really well.
BUT I am now increasing
My iron levels might be too low
my iron for the safest birth
to safely have my homebirth.
for my baby and me.

258
 B IR T H

Whatever cards you’ve been dealt that have derailed your plans for
your GentleBirth, do the exercise above, and then write down five
positives about this new birth plan.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE

PERFECTLY SIZED BABIES
Remember the bedtime story of Goldilocks? Goldilocks tried the
three chairs … one was too big… one was too small and one was just
right…… what is the ‘just right’ sized baby?

Several times a month I’m contacted by moms who have had a

recent ultrasound and have been told that their baby is measuring
too big or too small, so I thought this issue needed addressing from
an evidence standpoint as a midwife and as a mom who gave birth
to a 10lb 7oz baby boy at home with a midwife, doula and just a
slight perineal graze.

Going for a scan is generally an exciting time, as you get to take a

peek at your baby in his little world. But in the back of every mom’s
mind is the worry that something unexpected may show up on the
scan. You’re caught between watching the strange shapes on the
screen and watching the sonographer’s facial expressions looking
for clues that something’s not quite right. You probably even forget
to breathe if you have a particularly quiet sonographer as she clicks
and concentrates.

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT BIG BABIES?

I’ve found that although there is an international definition for ‘big’
babies sometimes the prediction of a ‘big’ baby is in the eye of
the beholder (your OB) if you’re not particularly tall. The research
suggests that a baby is considered to be big when it weighs more
than 4,000 grams (8 pounds 13 ounces) at birth, and others say a
baby is big if it weighs more than 4,500 grams (9 pounds, 15 ounces).

259
TRACY DONEGAN

Big babies are more likely to experience problems with their

shoulders being born (shoulder dystocia), but around half of all
babies who have this problem are of ‘normal’ weight. Epidurals
and instrumental births add to this problem. Babies need lots of
room to maneuver through the pelvis and, if your pelvis is closed
(i.e., you’re flat on your back), it makes it harder for baby. An ‘open’
pelvis is an upright pelvis or at least side lying. Instrumental births
are a risk factor for shoulder dystocia in all babies - big or small.
Shoulder dystocia is a medical emergency but, in most cases, it can
be resolved by changing mom’s position to facilitate opening the
pelvis more.

A 2009 study reported that your caregiver’s suspicion of a big baby

is, in fact, more dangerous than the baby itself! Moms who were
suspected of having a big baby (and actually ended up having one)
had three times the induction rate, more than triple the C-section
rate, and a quadrupling of complications for mom compared to
women whose obstetricians didn’t think their baby was big and
who ended up having a surprise big baby in the end. Scans are
notoriously inaccurate, especially late in your pregnancy.

Inductions come along with a long list of potential problems for you
and your baby and there is no evidence to support inducing early to
‘stop baby getting any bigger.’ Induction increases the likelihood of
complications instead of reducing them.

I can only imagine how stressful it can be to be told your baby is

measuring large at 35 weeks knowing you have potentially another 5+
weeks to go. Especially when this discussion is not happening within
the context of how the pelvis shifts and moves in labor and how
your baby’s head is made up of flexible plates that overlap as baby
descends. As your baby grows in those next five weeks, he’s laying
down fat reserves on his back, not his head! I was expecting a bigger
baby this time around as Jack was 8lbs 15oz but never dreamed
Cooper would be over 10lbs (and I was not diabetic). Babies born to
moms with uncontrolled diabetes tend to be on the larger size due

260
 B IR T H

to the extra sugar in mom’s bloodstream. If your diabetes is well

controlled and your sugars have been stable, this is not something
for you to be worried about. I’m quite sure the last few weeks of my
pregnancy would have been very different if I’d had a late scan and
no doubt the worry would have impacted my labor, which would
probably have become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

PARENTS SPEAK
“My son, first baby, was exactly 9lbs when born. In all scans, he
had been measuring on the bigger side but no one had made any
comments until, at 38 weeks, one midwife asked me what I was
eating, as the baby was big! I was devastated as I thought it was
all my fault and I wouldn’t be able to have a home birth with the
community midwives. A week later, a different midwife had a feel
and she said I was grand and the baby wasn’t that big. Anyway, I
delivered my 9lb baby with just gas and air, turns out he was long not
fat and, seeing as his dad is 6ft 4, I wasn’t surprised. He continued
to grow grow grow and was off the charts at his last developmental
check. He is 1 and wears 2-year-old clothes. So my baby was the
perfect size for my body, yes it stung pushing him out but I was
absolutely fine after and don’t think a smaller baby would have felt
much different.” – Aoife

“The whole way through my pregnancy, I had been measuring

average no one even mentioned the words “big baby”! But Katie
was born 9lb 9oz! I got through it with just gas and air and TENS
machine but have to say the midwife was brilliant too, advising to
pause when baby’s head was emerging and, with that advice, baby
was born with only slight grazing!” – Amanda

IS SMALLER BETTER?
We know that scans are rarely accurate and that goes for predicting
small but healthy babies, too. As a precaution, we’re always going to

261
TRACY DONEGAN

monitor your baby’s weight gain and blood flow through the placenta
more thoroughly if we think your baby’s growth has slowed down
significantly. We’ll also consider your lifestyle (smoking/stress) and
your diet. A sick baby is definitely better off on the outside receiving
medical care than on the inside if he’s not growing. Up until recently,
it was thought that a baby that was in the 10th percentile of growth
(meaning 90% of other babies are likely to be larger) needed to be
born but new international guidelines suggest that most of these
babies are perfectly healthy but they’re just small. Chances are
mom has had small healthy babies in the past or, if this is her first,
when we look at the parents we can see that they are usually small
framed themselves and were probably smaller babies at birth too.
Only the babies that fall into the 3rd percentile (if all else is well)
require additional monitoring and perhaps an early birth. For more
information ask your careprovider about the PORTO study.

THINGS YOU CAN DO

Big or small - all babies do better when mom has a healthy balanced
diet, is getting some exercise, reducing stress, increasing joy and
avoiding cigarettes/ drugs.

Talk to your caregiver about the evidence against induction/

cesarean for suspected big or small babies based on international
best practice.

BREECH BABY
I had an opportunity to work with a first time mom with a baby
who was unexpectedly breech (butt first instead of head first). She
was a few days shy of being full term and her waters released. The
usual practice in this particular hospital is to have a cesarean but
as mom wasn’t showing any signs of labor and it was a busy day
she was admitted and left to her own devices for the day. She put
on the App, rested and adjusted to the new plan ahead with her

262
 B IR T H

partner– as she was really hoping for a water birth. Mom had been
very anxious in early pregnancy and although disappointed now she
was excited to meet her baby. That evening Mom began to complain
about some lower backache… and knowing how GentleBirth moms
can be ‘sneaky’ birthers (not feeling much discomfort) I asked
her to time the sensations to see if there was any pattern to this
backache. I went to get her a heat pack for her lower back and sure
enough these sensations were starting to come every 10 minutes.
I mentioned it to some of the senior midwives that we needed to
keep an eye on this mom but when they looked in on her mom was
dozing with headphones on and not a bother on her. In fact I was
reprimanded for suggesting mom was in labor… but when you’ve
seen enough GentleBirths you pick up on the very subtle signs of
labor progress without a mom screaming the hospital down. About
an hour later this pattern of sensations was beginning to feel more
like period pain. Here’s the thing – theater staff don’t like surprises
(and who can blame them in their line of work) so they would really
like a heads up if a mom who is going to be having a cesarean starts
to labor). I asked a senior midwife to come and check on this mom…
and sure enough mom was found to be 10cm. Mom was delighted!
She had a natural labor with only a heat pack and very little pain –
theater staff were not so delighted with this unexpected patient. I
ended up having an inquisition the next day about what magic was
in GentleBirth to ‘make’ the mother labor so quickly – especially
as her baby was breech. I explained that it was not magic – just
the reduction of fear which makes labor harder and more painful.
They weren’t convinced – imagine if it were true and nobody needed
Pitocin anymore – just pop on your GentleBirth and pop out your
baby!

WHEN IS BREECH POSITION

CONSIDERED A PROBLEM?
More and more I’m reading reports of worried moms leaving scans
as early as 28 weeks having been informed that their baby is breech.

263
TRACY DONEGAN

Moms then spend the next several weeks stressed, anxious and
doing strange things with frozen bags of peas and flashlights in an
attempt to coax their baby into a head down position and avoid a
cesarean. Before 36 weeks your baby has plenty of room to flip into
multiple positions several times a day (and probably once or twice
before dawn too).

First things first - less than 5% of babies stay breech (butt first)
at full term so you have plenty of time and still have options to
consider.

Let’s slow that roll a little as the position of your baby is really of no
importance until you reach 35-36 weeks…then your midwife/doctor
will start to focus a little more on the ‘plan’ if your baby stays in a
breech position.

ECV – ask if there’s a breech clinic in your hospital if you haven’t

already been referred for an External Cephalic Version – this is an
external manipulation of your baby to nudge him into a head down
position – the success rate is about 50% but it’s definitely worth
a try before agreeing to major abdominal surgery (cesarean birth).
ECV is an option for most healthy mums with no complications
including women who have had a previous cesarean birth. An ECV is
not a gentle massage but quite firm and can be quite uncomfortable
(but it’s usually over quickly) and if your consultant feels too much
resistance they won’t continue. If you find it very painful you can
always ask to stop.

Complimentary therapies include acupuncture (or moxa), hypnosis

(deeply relaxing and oxygenating the uterine muscles gives
baby more room) and Spinning Babies. There is a Breech Baby
Turn hypnosis session in the GentleBirth App that Moms have
great success with. I recommend moms use it for 10 days and do
acupuncture sessions also. In one research paper on the use of
hypnosis 80% of babies turned and stayed head down. There is also
the Webster Technique facilitated by a Chiropractor. But other than

264
 B IR T H

hypnosis and acupuncture there are very few good studies on the
effectiveness of these therapies.

Although less common breech vaginal birth can be a safe option

as long as the care provider is skilled in breech birth. The type of
breech will also determine if a vaginal birth is a safe option (Frank
breech is considered the safest). For a first time mom you may
have to do a little research to find a consultant willing to support a
vaginal breech birth. It’s important to weigh up the pros/cons of a
vaginal breech birth and a planned cesarean birth – both carry risks
for mom and baby. New research suggests a breech birth without
an epidural is beneficial for mum and baby as mum can move into
positions that encourage her baby to move through the pelvis more
easily. If a breech birth is something you’re considering check out
the revolutionary work of German obstetrician Frank Louwen.

If you’ve tried everything and a cesarean birth looks likely you can
make that experience as positive as possible.

• Ask to wait until you have the first sign of labor – then you
know your baby is ready to be born and is less likely to
have breathing difficulties.
• Plan your cesarean date at 40 weeks or later so your baby
gets those extra few days for development and who knows
your baby might still turn at the last minute especially if
this isn’t your first baby.
• Read up about seeding your baby’s gut so your baby is
exposed to similar ‘friendly’ bacteria he would have been
colonized with if he had been born vaginally.
• Write birth preferences that include immediate skin to skin
in theater and recovery room and delayed cord clamping
so your baby’s birth can be as gentle and positive as
possible.

265
TRACY DONEGAN

BACTERIA CAN BE GOOD FOR YOUR BABY

Most people think of bacteria as germs that make you sick but, in
fact, they are also critical to keeping you healthy. Scientists now
think of the microbiome as an organ and it weighs about the same
as your brain.

In pregnancy the level of bacteria changes in the vagina and

digestive system.

• Changes in gut mean mom’s body is better at taking

nutrients from food.
• Low Ph makes vagina more acidic to reduce bacteria
ascending to the uterus.
• Lactobacillus bacteria also have inbuilt antibiotics to kill
dangerous bacteria.
• These first microbes train your baby’s immune system.
• Untreated depression changes your microbes.

Recently there was a media storm over a study that suggested children
born by cesarean were more likely to become obese. It’s not clear
why this is the case and many of the reports surrounding this study
left out an important detail that could hold the key – gut bacteria.
A small study published in Nature a year previously suggested a
distinct link between the composition of our gut microbiota and
incidence of obesity and related metabolic conditions, including
cardiovascular disorders and diabetes.

WHAT IS GUT BACTERIA –

AND WHY DO WE NEED IT?
• Your body contains trillions of cells, and many of these
microorganisms do a great job training our immune system
by recognizing disease-producing bacteria, producing
Vitamin K. These special microorganisms are essential for
health and wellbeing, but what if being born via cesarean

266
 B IR T H

means your baby has missed out on what could be

considered his first immunization? A baby is exposed to
mom’s feces as he’s being born vaginally (bifidobacteria)
– this is a lactic acid bacteria that boosts baby’s energy
after birth. It breaks down the sugars in breast milk and
coats your baby’s intestine and inhibits the growth of
disease-causing bacteria. These smart microbes create
their own antibiotics to kick out any pathogenic (bad)
bacteria. Antibiotics alter your baby’s microbiome for up
to 12 months, especially if not breastfed. The good news
is that breastfeeding modifies some of the effects of a
cesarean birth – it’s like an insurance policy, especially if
you had a cesarean and/or antibiotics in labor.

The types of bacteria in the guts of babies born by cesarean tend to

differ from those born vaginally. Babies born vaginally are colonized
by lactobacillus, whereas babies born by cesarean have more
pathogenic (disease-causing) bacteria such as staphylococcus.
Interestingly, a recent study has shown that mice could be made
obese or lean just by changing their gut bacteria. When a baby is
born vaginally, he is exposed to your vaginal and intestinal flora,
which is the start of your baby’s colonization (also known as
seeding). In a planned cesarean, this doesn’t happen and babies
can end up being colonized with more disease-causing bacteria
instead of ‘friendly’ bacteria. Some studies are showing a difference
in these microorganisms even seven years later between babies
born vaginally and babies born by cesarean (breastfeeding helps!)

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOUR BABY?

This area of research is exploding and we still have a lot to learn.
It seems that vaginal birth ‘switches on’ your baby’s immunity, and
certain genes. Some studies are suggesting an increased risk for
allergies in cesarean-born babies. If not breastfed, your baby is also
missing out on the benefits of breastfeeding, which also protects

267
TRACY DONEGAN

the baby’s gut. Studies also show that between 64 and 82 percent
of reported cases of MRSA skin infections in newborns occurred in
infants born by cesarean. Your baby’s immune system is suppressed
at birth to ‘trick’ your body to not reject the pregnancy (it lasts about
3 weeks after birth so microbes can colonize the gut). But what if
the first microbes are from other people or equipment in theater?
Scientists believe that if your baby’s immune system isn’t trained
properly it can’t recognize what the good/bad bacteria are.

Cesareans have also been associated with a significantly increased

rate of asthma, especially in girls, and allergic rhinitis. This increase
was even more apparent looking at the risk of asthma which was
increased by 60 percent in baby girls who underwent a repeat
cesarean without ruptured membranes (waters breaking), versus
those babies with waters released and/or labor prior to the cesarean.
Type 1 diabetes has been on the increase, and studies have found
a 19 percent increase in Type 1 diabetes in cesarean children. So
labor seems to have protective factors for babies, or at minimum a
cesarean after the waters have been released.

But, as we learn more about these microorganisms and their role

in our health, more questions need answering. How do antibiotics
during pregnancy, labor, or right before a cesarean impact the
colonization of your baby’s gut with this ‘friendly’ bacteria? How
our babies are born may have far-reaching consequences that we
are just starting to understand. This becomes even more important
as cesarean rates increase and the lack of meaningful support by
healthcare professionals for VBAC.

HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR BABY GET MORE

‘FRIENDLY’ BACTERIA AFTER BIRTH?
There’s no doubt that cesareans are necessary and save lives, but
what if you could actively help reduce your baby’s risk of allergic
reactions and potential health problems by ‘seeding’ your baby’s
gut with all the good bacteria?

268
 B IR T H

There are growing reports of moms and midwives promoting the

use of vaginal swabs pre-cesarean which is then wiped over baby
after the baby is born. So your baby gets your bacteria and not the
bacteria from the hospital wall! A milliliter of vaginal fluid contains,
on average, around 100 million microorganisms from 5-10 species, 95
percent of which are from the lactobacillus family (the good stuff!).

This is an emerging area of research and there is limited available

evidence to support this practice, but it does seem to make sense.
Other ways to seed your baby include establishing breastfeeding
after your cesarean and maybe probiotic supplements. Some
midwives in the US are taking a ‘bottom’ up approach and attempting
to seed the baby by using natural live yogurt as a nappy cream in
the first days following a cesarean. These good bacteria seem to
tolerate life outside of the body, so it’s likely that your baby can reap
the benefits of this odd but inventive practice.

However, the ideal bacteria for baby to receive are of course yours.
Some women having planned cesareans are proactively taking
samples of their vaginal secretions (with their finger) before going
to the theater and placing the fluid around their nipples so their
baby is exposed to that good bacteria as soon as possible.

At worst you might feel a bit weird doing this (nobody has to know)
– at best you may reduce your baby’s risk of health problems in later
life. Some experts feel this puts babies at risk of contracting GBS
or other infections but, if the cesarean hadn’t happened, the baby
would have been exposed to those bacteria anyway.

Microbiome research is in its infancy and, as it is evolving, there has

been some debate on whether vaginal ‘seeding’ is safe for a baby
born to a mom who is GBS+. Talk to your care provider if you are
considering this option.

269
TRACY DONEGAN

Microbiome influences pain and behavior such as anxiety.

GBAC - GENTLEBIRTH AFTER CESAREAN

If you’ve previously had a cesarean and are planning a vaginal birth,
there are a couple of things to consider to make this next experience
more empowering and positive.

Depending on where you are giving birth, you may find there is
resistance to VBAC or that there will be strict time limits on how
long your birth process will last or how long “over” your EDD you can
go before there is pressure to do something. Although much talked
about, it’s actually quite rare for your previous scar to open in a
spontaneous birth and, in the unlikely event that it does happen, it
is rarely fatal for mom or her baby.

One of the keys to a successful VBAC is a supportive caregiver; it’s

better to find out in the early stages of your pregnancy that you’ve
hired the right (or wrong) person for the job rather than to find
out at 38 weeks that your caregiver may talk the talk but doesn’t
walk the walk when it comes to VBAC. For many VBAC moms, their
confidence in their body’s ability has been severely knocked and
will take time to rebuild. Daily conditioning with your GentleBirth
VBAC brain training is critical to restoring your faith in birth. Around
70% of moms who choose VBAC go on to have straightforward births.
Write some affirmations for yourself around any specific fears you
have for your VBAC.

Let’s face it, VBAC spells FEAR to many obstetricians, to the media,
to your family, and very often to you yourself. These fears are
compounded by the use of negative priming vocabulary, such as
“trial of labor” “scar,” “rupture,” “failure to progress,” “distress” ...
do any of these words bring up images of calm, confident, gentle
birthing? No. The use of these words reinforces the belief that our

270
 B IR T H

bodies are broken and reaffirms in our subconscious mind that

birth is an accident waiting to happen.

Having a VBAC can be hard work (psychologically) - finding the right

caregiver, gaining support from your birth partner, trusting yourself.
If you had a very traumatic birth experience the first time around,
then it’s very likely that your subconscious mind believes that birth
is to be feared and will work hard to create that reality.

After a cesarean birth, there can be a huge cloud of distrust that

surrounds the new mom… distrust of her body… distrust of the medical
profession, sometimes distrust of the doctor she believed would “do
no harm” or of routine policies that may have contributed to having
a surgical birth. I’ve had the wonderful pleasure of watching this
cloud slowly disappear with GentleBirth couples and see it replaced
with renewed confidence, faith, and even excitement for the birth
process to begin. For more information on VBAC, visit http://www.
VBACFacts.com or contact ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness
Network) or find a GentleBirth VBAC class in your community.

AFFIRMATIONS FOR VBAC

• I can do it!
• My body rocks!
• My surges are gentle but strong.
• VBAC is a healthy and safe choice.
• I am ready for whatever comes my way on the day.
• I can handle whatever type of birth I am given. My baby
and I are doing this together.
• I know what’s best for my baby. I trust my body. My
confidence is growing every day.
• I am ready.
• I want this.
• Yes!
• My body is strong.

271
TRACY DONEGAN

• I choose healthy options to prepare my body and mind for

birth. My baby knows how to be born.
• All is well.

BIRTH STORY
Wonderful VBAC Birth
So on the morning of Tuesday 30th April I woke at 1 am needing
to pee. Got back into bed and felt a surge at 1:09am, didn’t think
much of it and snuggled back down to sleep. By 1:50am I was having
strong surges every 5/6 minutes and couldn’t sleep through them,
so decided to text Mary (our doula) and have a cup of tea. I just
knew that this was finally it, our baby was coming to meet us at long
last! I texted my friend Tania, who was going to keep some close
friends informed of the goings-on. Twenty minutes later the surges
were every 4/5 minutes and I hadn’t heard back from Mary so I rang
her as it would take her an hour to get to our house. I had a few
contractions while on the phone and she knew by the fact I couldn’t
talk through them things were definitely happening. My friend Tania
said she would stay up and keep me company by text until Mary
arrived as I was letting hubbie sleep on. I lit some incense and
candles and knew that I didn’t want the TV or laptop on, so started
some crochet. I didn’t get much of it done as kept having to re-do
it, but it helped me focus. I got hubbie up then to put on the TENS
machine as things were pretty intense and now every 3/4 minutes.
Just before Mary arrived, I asked hubbie to get up to ring CUMH and
his mom to let them know we’d need to go soon. I knew if I waited
much longer I wouldn’t be able for the car journey. When the surges
were happening, all I could do was breathe through them and tune
everything out. I just kept repeating in my head “I can do anything
for a minute.” Mary arrived and then Graham’s mom so we decided
to go straight to CUMH. The pressure in the car was very intense and
I hated being stuck in the one position. We got to CUMH at about
4:30am and went to the waiting room. They weren’t massively busy

272
 B IR T H

but all staff occupied so we were in the waiting room for about 90
minutes, luckily just the three of us because, at this stage during the
surges, I was kneeling on all fours on the floor and moaning. Mary
plugged in her electric oil burner with a relaxing blend and was
using counter pressure on my hips during the contractions, which
were every 2-3 minutes and it was such a help. By 5:30am, I watched
the sun start to rise and felt it was a beautiful day to birth a baby!
But the TENS was starting to annoy the f*ck out of me and I knew I
needed some gas and air to help me through the surges. Finally got
into triage at 6am and examined to be told was “just about 3-4cm
dilated.” I hated that midwife right then as it was what I was told
on being admitted in labor with Charlotte. She wanted me on the
CTG then and told me I would have to lie or stand, squatting on the
floor was not an option. I hated her even more then as I knew there
was no way I could lie on that bed for 20 minutes. Anyway, I said I’d
stand, she put on the trace and Graham came in to me, he helped
support me upright during the surges and reassured me I was doing
an amazing job. We overheard the midwife ring through to labor
ward and neither of us were too impressed with what we heard or
her attitude when she came back into us but we chose to ignore her
as, once we got to delivery, we wouldn’t have to see her again. So
after the trace we were waiting another while to go down as there
was rooms free but no staff. I think we got downstairs at about 7am.
Midwife we got was nice but said no to pool as it was against VBAC
protocol as I would need continuous trace. I said I would agree to
this as long as it didn’t stop me moving about as no way I could be
lying in bed constantly. I knew that if that happened it would be end
of my VBAC. She was supportive of this and got me a gym ball so I
was on that with the Entonox on the trace and managing well. 8am
and staff changeover happened. We got a midwife called Catherine,
(which was the name we had agreed as a middle name if we had a
girl as it’s my sister’s middle name) and a student midwife called
Vicky (my middle name is Victoria). I took this as a sign these ladies
were going to help me have my VBAC! Just after the changeover, the
ob and her team came in. The cons was a b*tch. I hated her and

273
TRACY DONEGAN

she didn’t like me much either as she wanted to have me examined

sooner rather than later and if no progression wanted to rupture
my waters. I straight out told her no and she then started to spout
about uterine rupture, told her I knew the risks and how low the
percentage was. Said again breaking of waters was not happening,
to which she replied “So you’re willing to risk your uterus rupturing
as opposed to having your waters broken?” Yes, says I! She made the
other doc note on my chart I’d been informed blah blah blah. The
last doc out was the doc who had seen me in A&E last week when I
had the bleeding and, as she left, said “good luck” and gave me a big
smile. Then had a good laugh with Catherine, Vicky, and Mary about
how I’d told the cons what’s what and took no shit. I wanted the loo
so Catherine took me off the trace. I sat on the loo for a while, but
then decided to chance asking Catherine could I have a bath, as she
seemed really supportive of our birth preferences and a hands-off
approach from her. She ran the bath and we sneaked over as doc
had said explicitly no to pool and bath due to continuous trace,
blah blah. In the bath for a while, sucking on Entonox, moaning
through the surges but felt I was starting to panic a bit and needed
something more. Really didn’t want Pethidine as felt this was where
my labor had slowed the last time and DEF didn’t want the epidural.
So I chatted with Graham, Mary, and Catherine about options.
Decided Catherine would do exam and then we’d form a plan. I was
terrified of another exam and being told “only 4cm” I was so afraid I
wouldn’t get past the point things stalled on Charlotte. Such a relief
when Catherine said I was “a loose 8cm.” I seriously cannot explain
how elated I felt, that my body had done this and knew that there
was no way this was going to be a section! I was getting my VBAC.
So my waters were bulging A LOT and Catherine said that was what
was contributing to the amount of pressure down below. My options
were for her to release them to relieve some of the pressure or for
me to have Pethidine to take the edge off things and wait for them
to release themselves. I felt strongly I wanted my membranes to
release themselves and at this point felt Pethidine wouldn’t slow
things down, so opted for that. Think that was about 10am. Timings

274
 B IR T H

are a bit off in my head. So after that I was on the ball again, then
on the toilet for a while but I couldn’t settle and decided the shower
might be nice. Hopped in with the hot spray directed onto my lower
back, Entonox in my mouth, and was there for a while. Pethidine
definitely took the edge off but was feeling serious pressure between
my legs, reached down and could feel something, but knew waters
still intact so said I thought Catherine should check me again. She
did and said that there was a big cervical lip and if she pushed it
back I was 10cm, but it was slipping back over baby’s head. She said
she felt it was preventing waters releasing themselves. So we agreed
she’d break them. The relief from that was unreal!! That was at about
11am, I think. Catherine then wanted to do a CTG, I only found out
after Alicia was born it was because there was meconium in the
waters. I was on the gym ball and poor Vicky was having to hold the
CTG in place the whole time.

So after a while I was unsettled again and got on the bed, kneeling
over the back of it. I felt major pressure and asked Catherine to
check me as I could feel something between my legs. She checked
and told me we’d hit double digits! I was so pleased with myself and
knew we’d soon meet our beautiful baby. So I was standing beside
the bed when I felt Alicia start to descend. I stayed in this position
for a while with legs spread and could feel her slowly making her
way further down with each surge. It was surreal and amazing. But
I wouldn’t settle so got into the kneeling on the bed again. Graham
was standing beside me holding my hand and telling me how fab
I was doing, Mary was behind me taking pictures as our daughter’s
head emerged. A couple more surges and some intense pressure
and our daughter slid out onto the bed between my legs in a gush
of fluids. She let out a big roar of indignation and I reached down
and lifted her up to my chest. I saw we had another girl and looked
over to Graham to tell him. He was crying and shaking and I have
never loved him so much. I announced to everyone we had another
beautiful girl and turned to sit with her in my arms. Within about 15
minutes Alicia started to nurse all by herself pretty much. We wanted

275
TRACY DONEGAN

delayed cord clamping so really at this point it was waiting for the
cord to stop pulsing. I’m not sure how long this took, but think it
was about 30 minutes, the cord was completely white when Graham
cut it. Then he had cuddles with Alicia while Catherine cleaned me
up and she said I’d need a stitch due to second-degree tear. We
rang family and texted close friends to inform them Alicia was here.
Vicky got us all tea and toast, which was amazing! Even though I’d
had smoothies and snacks during the whole labor I was starving!!
Mary left a bit after that and then Catherine went on her lunch break
so we were left just the three of us until about 4/4:30pm, when we
transferred upstairs.

2ND VBAC
Our third daughter arrived this morning - five hours of moderate
surges, just getting ready to head to the hospital after three intense
ones when waters went in the bathroom and 23 minutes/5 surges
later, I was sat on the floor holding Matilda! Paramedics arrived ten
minutes later and took us in to be checked. Long but shallow tear so
I have some stitches, but otherwise all well with us both not quite
as gentle as I’d have imagined at the end but only for GB (and our
wonderful doula, Mary Tighe). I’m not sure DH and I would have
coped the way we had to!

GentleBirth VBAC Mom

“Empowering, instinctive, natural, absolutely wonderful! I

felt really connected to my body, my baby, my husband, the
midwives and consultant right throughout labor and birth. We
worked as a complete partnership.”

276
BABY,
BREASTFEEDING
AND BEYOND

Mothers don’t breastfeed, babies breastfeed.

Babies know how if we let them”
–Nils Bergman–

BREASTFEEDING AND YOUR BRAIN

Most GentleBirth moms breastfeed (96%) but not all of them start
off feeling confident in their abilities. In the same way you’ve been
practicing the thought that childbirth has to be long, difficult, and
horribly painful, a lot of moms have learned that breastfeeding is
also fraught with pain and must be hard work to get established.
(More ‘dodgy’ wiring in the brain that needs to be rewired). Yet
other mammals don’t seem to have these problems have you ever

277
TRACY DONEGAN

heard of a cat complaining of sore nipples and our feline friends

probably have four or five hungry mouths to feed - at one time!
All newborn mammals know how to find their food source: They
are born with highly sensitive built-in instincts to crawl to the
breast and feed with little help from mom. If your expectations of
breastfeeding aren’t very positive at the moment, you can start off
by writing out some affirmations for yourself around breastfeeding.
This is where your meditation practice will really pay off, you have
been learning to catch that negative voice whispering to you that
you can’t successfully breastfeed – catch the thought, challenge the
thought and change it.

PREPARING FOR BREASTFEEDING SUCCESS

In not so recent times mothers used to be advised to scrub their
nipples in the shower to ‘toughen them up’ in preparation for
breastfeeding. Thankfully that kind of ‘preparation’ is no longer
advised as it can damage your nipples as well as being torture when
your nipples are already sensitive due to pregnancy hormones. When
your baby is latched properly breastfeeding isn’t painful. Although
breastfeeding is instinctual for babies - all mammals know where
and how to get their food source to survive - we have made things
difficult for ourselves so here are a few tips to help you prepare for
a positive breastfeeding journey.

You may be living in a country where breastfeeding rates are low. It’s
not because your breasts are different from those in Norway, where
more than 95% of women breastfeed. The problem has a lot more to
do with our brains than our boobs – your mindset and expectations
about breastfeeding.

• Staff members don’t always have time to spend with

breastfeeding mothers and, if this is your first baby and
the hospital is busy, support may be minimal.
• Babies are not born hungry – they’re born ‘skin hungry.’

278
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

• Your newborn baby’s tummy is about the size of a cherry;

all it can take is about a teaspoon of colostrum on that
first day or so.
• Get along to a breastfeeding support group before your
baby arrives (go tomorrow).
• Find a breastfeeding ‘buddy’ for around your EDD so you
have informational support on hand immediately.
• Take a breastfeeding class - with your partner. If your
hospital doesn’t encourage partners, then take a private
breastfeeding class.
• The 2nd night can be hard when your newborn wants lots
of skin-to-skin and seems to feed all the time - this is
totally normal (he’ll do it around day 10 too, when your
baby has a growth spurt).
• Hire a postpartum doula to come and look after you for
a few hours the first week you are home and to help you
with breastfeeding.
• Breastfeeding should not be painful (it may feel a bit
strange at first) - if it is, ask for help early and often.
Consider getting a Lactation consultant for a visit the day
you get home.
• Watch lots of online videos on biological nurturing or
‘laid-back breastfeeding’. Forget trying all the contortionist
breastfeeding ‘holds’ for the first week.
• Stay in bed for the first week until you and baby get the
hang of things - restrict visitors. I know this is not easy if
you have a toddler already at home, which is all the more
reason to enlist the help of friends, family, or a postpartum
doula.
• If it’s painful - get help immediately.
• If it’s painful - get help immediately (seeing a theme?)

A couple of great books to read in pregnancy are Breastfeeding Made

Simple by Nancy Morbacher and Sweet Sleep - La Leche League and
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League.

279
TRACY DONEGAN

THE BREASTFEEDING MINDSET

Why is breastfeeding so easy for some mothers, while for others it
seems like torture? Many factors come into play: self-confidence,
childhood experiences (including parental role modeling),
motivation, cultural norms, body image, as well as beliefs and
expectations about the potential health benefits and perceived
unpleasant aspects of breastfeeding. All of these help shape our
attitudes (conscious or unconscious).

Mindset influences behavior and breastfeeding success doesn’t

start with that first latch. It begins months before your baby arrives.
I’ve found that most breastfeeding problems have little to do with
your breast or your baby – but what’s happening in your brain.

To truly be ready to successfully breastfeed, you need to cultivate a

mindset that goes far beyond just having the techniques and latch
(and all of those ‘pretzel-like’ positions that should be reserved
for a Cirque du Soleil performance). You can learn those in any
breastfeeding class. But as you’ve been learning throughout this
book, the key to success in any stressful situation (breastfeeding
can be intense and stressful in the very beginning) - is your ability
to manage your thoughts, your anxiety, and your fears. Your ability
to observe your mind and the negative stories it’s likely telling
you is paramount to your ability to thrive in the first few weeks of
breastfeeding.

A fixed negative mindset believes that breastfeeding is too difficult,

embarrassing, painful, exhausting, or too time-consuming. If you
have a positive breastfeeding mindset, you’re likely to think that
breastfeeding is not only good for you, it’s good for the baby, too, it
gives you lots of bonding time with your baby….and makes you feel
really good.

As well as a good breastfeeding class that will show you laid-back

breastfeeding (biological nurturing) positions, you’ll also need the

280
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

following head edge for a more positive and enjoyable breastfeeding

journey;

1. WTF
Where’s the focus? Shifting your focus to what’s going right
instead of what’s going wrong is one of the most important
skills to master and also one of the hardest. Practicing
gratitude helps us to find the good more frequently.
2. Mindful Compassion. When the ‘storytelling’ mind has free
range in your head, it’s like kryptonite to breastfeeding
success. When you’re tired and sore it’s easy to focus on
the negatives which can leave you feeling overwhelmed
and ready to pack it in. Practicing mindfulness lets you
become more aware of the negativity bias so you can
catch it when your mind starts slipping over to the ‘dark’
side.
3. Mental Toughness
The first week with a newborn may be the most challenging
week of your life – of your relationship. But it’s short-lived.
Knowing that ‘this too shall pass’ is a mantra to repeat
often. To be mentally tough, you have to have the will to
push through difficulties.
4. Adaptability/Flexible Mindset
Every animal and plant on earth has had to adapt in
some way to survive. The ones that could not adapt to
a changing environment died out. The ones that could
change and evolve have survived. You must be able to
adapt to a huge change in your life, sleeping patterns,
your time. You must also be able to recognize the things
that are worth continuing and the things that need to be
abandoned. In a hurricane, a rigid tree resists the wind for
a while but eventually gets blown over, while the flexible
tree is more flexible and is able to bend with the wind and
lives to face another storm.

281
TRACY DONEGAN

“A newborn baby has only three demands. They

are warmth in the arms of its mother, food from
her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her
presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three.”
–Grantly Dick-Read–

BREASTFEEDING—STARTING OUT RIGHT

- DR. JACK NEWMAN
Breastfeeding is the natural, physiologic way of feeding infants and
young children, and human milk is the milk made specifically for
human infants. Formulas made from cow’s milk or soybeans (most
formulas, even “designer formulas”) are only superficially similar,
and advertising that states otherwise is misleading. Breastfeeding
should be easy and trouble- free for most mothers. A good start
helps to ensure that breastfeeding is a happy experience for both
mother and baby.

The vast majority of mothers are perfectly capable of breastfeeding

their babies. Read up on “laid-back breastfeeding” to see how easy
breastfeeding can be. In fact, most mothers produce more than
enough milk. Unfortunately, outdated hospital routines based on
bottle feeding still predominate in too many health care institutions
and make breastfeeding difficult, even impossible, for too many
mothers and babies.

For breastfeeding to be well and properly established, a good start

in the early few days can be crucial. Admittedly, even with a terrible
start, many mothers and babies manage. The trick to breastfeeding
is getting the baby to latch on well. A baby who latches on well gets
milk well. A baby who latches on poorly has more difficulty getting
milk, especially if the supply is low. A poor latch is similar to giving

282
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

a baby a bottle with a nipple hole that is too small; the bottle is full
of milk, but the baby will not get much.

When a baby is latching on poorly, he may also cause the nipple

pain. And, if he does not get milk well, he will usually stay on the
breast for long periods, thus aggravating the pain. Unfortunately,
anyone can say that the baby is latched on well, even if he isn’t. Too
many people who should know better just don’t know what a good
latch is. Here are a few ways breastfeeding can be made easy:

A proper latch is crucial to success. Unfortunately, too many mothers

are being “helped” by people who don’t know what a proper latch
is. If you are being told your two-day-old’s latch is good despite
your having very sore nipples, be skeptical, and ask for help from
someone else who knows. Before you leave the hospital, you
should be shown that your baby is latched on properly and that he
is actually getting milk from the breast and that you know how to
know he is getting milk from the breast (open mouth wide— pause—
closed mouth type of suck). Look online for videos on how to latch
a baby on (as well as other videos). If you and the baby are leaving
the hospital not knowing this, get experienced help quickly (see
handout When Latching on Dr. Newman’s website). Some staff in the
hospital will tell mothers that, if the breastfeeding is painful, the
latch is not good (usually true) so the mother should take the baby
off and latch him on again. This is not a good idea. The pain usually
settles and the latch should be fixed on the other side or at the next
feeding. Taking the baby off the breast and latching him on again
and again only multiplies the pain and the damage.

The baby should be at the breast immediately after birth. The vast
majority of newborns can be at the breast within minutes of birth.
Indeed, research has shown that, given the chance, many babies
only minutes old will crawl up to the breast from the mother’s
abdomen, latch on and start breastfeeding all by themselves. This
process may take up to an hour or longer, but the mother and baby
should be given this time together to start learning about each

283
TRACY DONEGAN

other. Babies who “self-attach” run into far fewer breastfeeding

problems. This process does not take any effort on the mother’s
part, and the excuse that it cannot be done because the mother is
tired after labor is nonsense, pure and simple. (Incidentally, studies
have also shown that skin-to-skin contact between mothers and
babies keeps the baby as warm as an incubator). Incidentally, many
babies do not latch on and breastfeed during this time. Generally,
this is not a problem, and there is no harm in waiting for the baby
to start breastfeeding. The skin-to-skin contact is good for the baby
and the mother even if the baby does not latch on.

The mother and baby should room in together. There is absolutely

no medical reason for healthy mothers and babies to be separated
from each other, even for short periods.

Health facilities that have routine separations of mothers and

babies after birth are years behind the times and the reasons for
the separation often have to do with letting parents know who is
in control (the hospital) and who is not (the parents). Often, bogus
reasons are given for separations. One example is that the baby
passed meconium before birth. A baby who passes meconium and
is fine a few minutes after birth will be fine and does not need to be
in an incubator for several hours’ “observation.”

There is no evidence that mothers who are separated from their

babies are better rested.

On the contrary, they are more rested and less stressed when they
are with their babies. Mothers and babies learn how to sleep in the
same rhythm.

Thus, when the baby starts waking for a feed, the mother is also
starting to wake up naturally. This is not as tiring for the mother
as being awakened from deep sleep, as she often is if the baby is
elsewhere when he wakes up. If the mother is shown how to feed

284
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

the baby while both are lying down side by side, the mother is better
rested.

The baby shows long before he starts crying that he is ready to feed.
His breathing may change, for example. Or he may start to stretch.
The mother, being in light sleep, will awaken, her milk will start to
flow and the calm baby will be content to nurse. A baby who has
been crying for some time before being tried on the breast may
refuse to take the breast even if he is ravenous.

Mothers and babies should be encouraged to sleep side by side in

the hospital. This is a great way for mothers to rest while the baby
nurses. Breastfeeding should be relaxing, not tiring.

Artificial nipples should not be given to the baby.

There seems to be some controversy about whether “nipple

confusion” exists. Babies will take whatever gives them a rapid flow
of fluid and may refuse others that do not.

Thus, in the first few days, when the mother is normally producing
only a little milk (as nature intended), and the baby gets a bottle
(as nature intended?) from which he gets rapid flow, the baby will
tend to prefer the rapid flow method. You don’t have to be a rocket
scientist to figure that one out, though many health professionals,
who are supposed to be helping you, don’t seem to be able to
manage it.

Note: It is not the baby who is confused. Nipple confusion includes

a range of problems, including the baby not taking the breast as
well as he could and thus not getting milk well and/or the mother
getting sore nipples. Just because a baby will “take both” does not
mean that the bottle is not having a negative effect. Since there are
now alternatives available if the baby needs to be supplemented
(see handout #5 on Jack Newman’s website, Using a Lactation Aid,
and handout #8, Finger Feeding), why use an artificial nipple?

285
TRACY DONEGAN

No restriction on length or frequency of breast feedings. A baby

who drinks well will not be on the breast for hours at a time. Thus,
if he is, it is usually because he is not latching on well and not
getting the milk that is available. Get help to fix the baby’s latch, and
use compression to give the baby more milk (handout #15, Breast
Compression). Compression works very well in the first few days to
get the colostrum flowing well

Supplements of water, sugar water, or formula are rarely needed.

Most supplements could be avoided by getting the baby to take
the breast properly and thus get the milk that is available. If you
are being told you need to supplement without someone having
observed you breastfeeding, ask for someone to help who knows
what they are doing.

There are rare indications for supplementation, but often

supplements are suggested for the convenience of the hospital
staff. If supplements are required, they should be given by lactation
aid at the breast (see handout #5), not cup, finger feeding, syringe or
bottle. The best supplement is your own colostrum.

Free formula samples and formula company literature are not gifts.
There is only one purpose for these “gifts” and that is to get you
to use formula. It is very effective and it is unethical marketing. If
you get any from any health professional, you should be wondering
about his/her knowledge of breastfeeding and his/her commitment
to breastfeeding. “But I need formula because the baby is not getting
enough!” Maybe, but, more likely, you weren’t given good help and
the baby is simply not getting the milk that is available.

Even if you need formula, nobody should be suggesting a particular

brand and giving you free samples. Get good help. Formula samples
are not help.

Under some circumstances, it may be impossible to start

breastfeeding early. However, most “medical reasons” (maternal

286
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

medication, for example) are not true reasons for stopping or

delaying breastfeeding, and you are getting misinformation. Get
good help. Premature babies can start breastfeeding much, much
earlier than they do in many health facilities.

In fact, studies are now quite definite that it is less stressful for a
premature baby to breastfeed than to bottle-feed. Unfortunately,
too many health professionals dealing with premature babies do
not seem to be aware of this.

MINDFUL MOTHERING
You’ll spend quite a bit of time sitting on the couch feeding your baby
in the first few days. Netflix and chill will take on an entirely new
meaning. You could use some of this time to catch up on Facebook
or watch TV or you could use this time to be present with your baby.
Eating is a social activity - imagine being out having lunch with a
good friend and she spends the time checking her phone instead
of connecting with you. I struggled with this in the early days of
my baby moon with my son Cooper. Cooper was a frequent feeder
and I found myself becoming frustrated with not being able to
complete simple tasks such as emptying the dishwasher or finishing
an email. As I sat “under” (rather than with) my beautiful boy, my
mind raced to what I “needed” to do next and focused on all the
things I wasn’t getting done instead of paying more attention to my
son and enjoying this short-lived time. It took me a few weeks to
appreciate that I was doing something incredible, something much
more worthwhile and important than emptying the dishwasher or
ticking off the long checklist of to-dos.” I was mothering my son
and learning to do so mindfully, moment by moment, feed by feed.
When I accepted that this was a ‘season’ in my life and things are
always changing it became easier to accept what was happening
with a lot more patience for myself and for my gorgeous boy who is
now running off to play basketball with his friends.

287
TRACY DONEGAN

As you feed your baby, try to be present on purpose, notice his soft
skin, how he looks up at you, tune in to your baby’s breathing and
your own. Even just a couple of moments is a great start.

Can you be mindful and change a poopy diaper - absolutely! Notice

your emotion ... are you exasperated with the millionth change today
how does your body feel? Are you on autopilot and your mind is a
million miles away? Can you be present on purpose for one or two
diaper changes today?

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just

no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
–Paul Reiser–

CALMING YOUR BABY -

WITH THE CUDDLE CURE
Most expectant couples will spend countless hours in prenatal
classes learning all about birth: There’s the yoga class, the
breastfeeding class, and then newborn basics. By the time they get
to their due date, most of them are just ready to get the show on
the road, give up all these classes, and get on with the real business
of having their baby. But, as more seasoned parents will tell you,
it’s only after birth that the real “labor” starts. You’ve probably seen
that all-knowing smug smile creep across your mother-in-law’s face
when you tell her how tired you and your partner are from a day of
shopping for the nursery. You probably only figured out what that
look meant six months after your baby was born and maybe just
reading this article right now you’re having an Oprah “aha” moment
and realizing exactly what she was so smug about.

288
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

Thankfully for first-time parents, changing a diaper and giving your

baby a bath come relatively easily once someone has shown you
how. But, with so many families spread all over the world, many new
parents haven’t even held a newborn before we held our own. As for
calming a crying baby - well, for the uninitiated, it’s not as easy as it
looks. We’ve come to believe that it’s our fate and even a parenting
rite of passage that we have to endure hours of endless crying.

Not anymore, according to Dr. Harvey Karp, whose method of calming

the fussiest babies has attracted worldwide attention. This is one
lesson that you don’t want to skip.

WHY DO BABIES CRY?

Babies cry for more reasons than I can include here. It’s their way
of communicating. It’s essentially a survival mechanism. The most
common reasons are that they are hungry, wet, tired, sick, or they
just need a cuddle. In 1962, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton asked 82 new
mothers to record how much their normal healthy babies cried
each day during the first three months of life. (It’s not clear from
Dr. Brazelton’s study if ‘crying it out’ was followed by these moms
during the early 1960s.)

Dr. Brazelton discovered that, at two weeks of age, 25% of the babies
cried for more than two hours each day. By six weeks, 25% cried for
more than three hours a day. Reassuringly, he found that by three
months almost all were back to crying for about one hour a day.
Sometimes your baby may be diagnosed with “colic.” A colicky baby
will easily fit the following “profile”: He will cry for three hours a day
(usually evening) three days a week three weeks in a row.

While many experts have tried to find a pattern to this problem,

there are no consistent links between a baby’s gender, prematurity,
or the baby’s food. There are lots of theories about why some
babies tend to be more colicky than others but none really hold
true when investigated thoroughly. Most parents of colicky babies

289
TRACY DONEGAN

share similar experiences of their infants writhing and grunting, not

being comforted by feeding or holding, they have a piercing cry like
their baby is in severe pain.

IS IT COLIC?
Babies experiencing colic tend to be more fussy in the evenings and
are inconsolable for hours which of course is very distressing for
parents however not all cultures experience colic. In recent studies
on crying patterns in newborns colic was found to be the highest in
newborns in the UK (28% of newborns at 1–2 weeks), Canada (34.1%
at 3–4 weeks), and Italy (20.9% at 8–9 weeks of age). The lowest
figures were found in Denmark (5.5% at 3–4 weeks) and Germany
(6.7% at 3–4 weeks).

Moms with a history of migraine are more likely to have a baby

with colic but it’s important to remember that colic is a time-limited
phenomenon that generally resolves itself in a few weeks. Other
factors that increase the risk of colic in newborns is maternal
anxiety, post partum depression, low social support and even those
gut microbes.

What you can do:

Get support – talk to other parents with similar experiences and
be gentle with yourself. Always respond to your baby’s cries as it’s
critical for his brain health but if you feel you cannot cope ask for
help.

Wear baby in a sling – the movement and reassurance of your

heartbeat and voice will help buffer your baby from excessive
distress. Your ability to remain calm and compassionate helps your
baby.

Dim the lights and note any strong smells that might be triggering
the colic (especially due to the association with migraine).

290
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

Take a warm bath with your baby.

Over the counter gas relief drops have not been shown to resolve
colic any better than placebo.

“You don’t take a class; you’re thrown into

motherhood and learn from experience”
–Jennie Finch–

HAS DR. KARP FOUND THE HOLY

GRAIL OF NEWBORN PARENTING?
The piercing cry of a baby immediately puts the mother and father’s
nervous systems on red alert. Your baby’s cry is unique to your
baby and was designed by nature to get your attention fast. When
our ancestors lived in caves a baby left crying would attract wild
animals. Moms are often reassured that they will eventually figure
out what each “cry” means, but that’s little comfort to a new mom
and dad with a screaming infant on their hands after a long day
at work - and for the first few weeks they all do sound the same.
Or no doubt someone has told you not to pick up your baby each
time he cries or you’ll spoil him. You can’t spoil a baby! Ignoring
a baby and letting him “cry it out” would be like leaving your car
alarm screeching until the battery eventually dies. Your baby does
not have the brain capacity to manipulate you but parents have
the capacity to damage their baby’s brain by leaving their baby in
a state of high distress. Trust your instincts and pick up your baby.
Wearing your baby in a sling can make those first few weeks a lot
more enjoyable for you and your baby.

A baby’s cry is like a fire alarm going off…… and just as with a fire
alarm, you don’t know if it’s your house burning or your toast…. just

291
TRACY DONEGAN

as your baby may only need to have a diaper change or he may

need medical attention.

EASY WAYS TO CALM YOUR BABY -

AKA THE CUDDLE CURE
Dr. Harvey Karp is a pediatrician and a child development specialist
in Santa Monica, CA. He is also an assistant professor at the School
of Medicine, UCLA. In the past 20 years of working with babies, Dr.
Karp has taken the world of pediatrics by storm. Dr. Harvey Karp
has spent many years trying to figure out the mystery of colic and
why it affects some babies and not others. Through his research,
he has developed an easy technique to turn even the fussiest baby
into what he calls “The Happiest Baby on the Block.” Like all of
these strategies – see what works for you. My husband and I found
swaddling and gentle shushing to work really well to settle our boys.

His highly successful method is based on four revolutionary

concepts:

1. The Fourth Trimester: How to re-create the womblike

atmosphere your newborn misses outside the womb by
swaddling your baby.
2. The Calming Reflex: An “off switch” all babies are born
with that quickly soothes crying.
3. The five S’s: Five easy methods to turn on your baby’s
calming reflex.
4. The Cuddle Cure: How to combine the five S’s to calm even
the most colicky baby.

THE FIVE S’S DONE IN ORDER

Swaddling - Tight swaddling gives your baby the continuous touching
and support your baby experienced while still in your womb. Other
cultures have been doing this for centuries and “wear” their babies
close to them. Interestingly, these same cultures don’t have colic.

292
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

You’ve probably heard about weighted blankets and how they act as
fabric ‘hug machines’ stimulating relaxation and reducing anxiety –
it’s thought that a swaddle works in the same way. Not all experts
are in agreement when it comes to swaddling, so be sure to join the
GentleBirth Mom’s group on Facebook to keep up with the latest
research recommendations.

Side/stomach position - You place your baby, while holding her,

either on her left side to assist in digestion, or on her stomach to
provide reassuring support. Once your baby is happily asleep, you
can safely put her in her crib, on her back. Always place your baby
on her back when sleeping to reduce the risk of SIDS.

Shushing Sounds - These sounds imitate the continual whooshing

sound made by the blood flowing through arteries near the womb.
Did you know the noise level that your baby is used to in the womb
is equivalent to a loud vacuum cleaner? The good news is that you
don’t have to ruin your appliances by running the vacuum all day;
instead, get a white noise App or MP3 that can be played over and
over again. Babies are used to noise, so trying to soundproof his
room to the noises of daily life (which he’s used to listening to,
anyway) will just stress you out even more.

Swinging - Newborns are used to the swinging, jiggling motions that

were present when they were still in your womb. Every step you took,
every movement caused a swinging motion for your baby (like that
relaxing rocking sensation on a train). After your baby is born, this
calming motion, which was so comforting and familiar, is abruptly
gone. Your baby misses the motion and has a difficult time getting
used to it not being there. Using a sling is ideal.

Sucking - “Sucking has its effects deep within the nervous system,”
notes Karp, “and triggers the calming reflex and releases natural
chemicals within the brain.” This “S” can be accomplished easiest
with the breast, but a bottle or soother or even a finger will work
too.

293
TRACY DONEGAN

Not every baby will need all five techniques and, if you’re
breastfeeding, I would encourage you to offer the breast first. Calmer
babies will need only a few, while fussier babies will need all of
them. Gauge your success in calming your little one according to your
baby’s intensity. Like any other skill, it takes practice. My husband
and I practiced swaddling on a stuffed toy and had it down to a fine
art by the time my firstborn, Jack, arrived. Dr. Karp’s Cuddle Cure
may help make those first few weeks of new parenthood enjoyable
instead of spending it desperately waiting to see that light at the
end of the tunnel that everyone keeps talking about while you wish
away those first fantastic weeks with your newborn.

ADJUSTING TO LIFE WITH YOUR NEWBORN

“Sometimes when you pick up your child

you can feel the map of your own bones beneath
your hands, or smell the scent of your skin in the
nape of his neck. This is the most extraordinary
thing about motherhood – finding a piece of
yourself separate and apart that all the same
you could not live without.”
–Jodi Picoult–

If you’re finding things challenging you might be thinking that there is

a conspiracy of silence around parenthood. In the haze of pregnancy
bliss, you didn’t remember anyone telling you how exhausting those
first few months can be or the brain fog that descends on you for
weeks after your baby arrives and even remembering your name
becomes difficult.

The midwife never mentioned the anxiety that comes with the
realization that you are responsible for keeping this tiny being alive

294
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

24/7. There was definitely no mention of the F5 tornado that can

descend on your relationship with the arrival of a newborn baby.
Somebody definitely moved the goalposts.

Trust me – we did try to warn you in subtle and not so subtle ways
– “Enjoy your sleep while you can,” “Watch the whole season of This
is Us in one day,” etc. You thought to yourself “How hard can it be –
babies are tiny and all they do is eat and sleep – I’ve got this.”

So why is it that so many women feel duped after their much-

awaited newborn comes along and reality sets in or is it that society
has set us up to feel like we’re ‘failing’ as mothers before we even
begin. Part of the problem is that nothing prepares you for the first
couple of weeks as a new mom. Not the 20 books from Amazon,
not the daily updates from BabyCenter. It is what I like to call a
‘lived’ experience. Some moms adjust to life with a new baby so
easily and others find it a more challenging transition (being very
politically correct here). Breastfeeding puns aside those early weeks
can sometimes really suck and it’s ok to feel that way. But what’s not
ok is your evil twin having lots to say about your parenting abilities
especially when you’re already just trying to physically recover from
birth. Remember more than ever in these early weeks – thoughts
are not facts.

If you’re finding things tough right now, know that you are not alone.
The mom with the full makeup running with the Phil and Ted is
probably just out the other end of three weeks of teething and a
bout of mastitis. No matter how great she looks today or how well
she seems to be adjusting, go sit down with a pot of coffee and a
plate of brownies and you’ll hear the universal story of mothers
feeling like they are just winging it pretty much every day in the
beginning.

Let’s be honest society doesn’t exactly cherish its new mothers the
same way it cherishes that gorgeous new baby, but both need lots
of TLC, support, and reassurance in those early weeks. Instead, we’re

295
TRACY DONEGAN

sent packing from the hospital sometimes within hours of giving

birth with no safety net for most and it’s sink or swim.

A childless co-worker asks why you’re so tired from ‘just’ being

home all day with a baby – “how hard can that be?” she asks (no
doubt with visions of you binge watching Netflix while baby sleeps
peacefully for hours). You wonder if maybe you’re not coping as well
as everyone else seems to be and the doubt grows but before you
entertain any notions of how others think early motherhood should
be, consider this….

Consider how much endless patience and skill it takes to soothe a

colicky baby who cries for hours on end.

Consider how much devotion it takes to care for every need of a

newborn baby 24 hours a day. (The mom ‘shift’ never ends – sure,
your partner might take over for a few hours when he gets in from
work but mom brain never really clocks out).

Consider how much mental toughness is required to sit through

Peppa Pig – again!

Consider how, in the words of Bruno Mars, you could love this tiny
person so completely and deeply that you would literally catch a
grenade for him.

Nobody warns you about the boredom and the loneliness. I make
no apologies for stating that babies aren’t exactly the most riveting
conversationalists, particularly if you’ve been used to engaging in
adult conversation for several hours a day in your professional life.
They don’t seem to do a lot of anything in the beginning but their
brains are growing at warp speed and engaging with you throughout
the day which makes all of that happen. Tell him about the weather,
the food you’re cooking, sing some Adele for him – your baby will
adore it and making eye contact with your baby synchs up your
brainwaves with his. These seemingly simple interactions grow your
baby’s brain at warp speed.

296
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

As one mother to another, I applaud you! So you didn’t get the

dishwasher emptied today and the pile of laundry is growing but
what you did was nothing short of extraordinary – you mothered a
newborn baby ALL day! You have my admiration, because between
blowouts (not the hair styling kind) and Barney you are shaping
the future of our society – one diaper change at a time. It is also
perfectly okay to NOT love being a mom every minute of every day
(some days you might not even like it and that’s okay too).

In my eyes (and your baby’s) you are a Superhero. Props to you.

If you feel you’re not enjoying your baby as much as you think you
should, here are a few ways to help you adjust to the changes.

Create a flexible routine for yourself – before you went on maternity

leave you had a structured day – do the same now so you have
simple achievable goals. If it all goes belly up because your baby is
going through a growth spurt start again tomorrow.

Try to notice the snarky opinion of your evil twin, it means well but
it’s putting a huge downer on this special time in your life especially
when it keeps comparing you to other moms who seem to have it
all together. Your evil twin can spark postpartum depression and
anxiety so listen closely to what it’s saying and disregard anything
that makes you feel bad.

Join a mom and baby group – you’ll meet lifelong friends who are
winging it just like you are – the honesty is so reassuring.

Outsource as much as you can (e.g. get a cleaner if you can afford it
and, if not, then drop your standards a little and embrace the mess).
Hire a postpartum doula to help you and your partner in those first
few weeks.

Use technology to connect with other moms online especially in the

winter and keep up your GentleBirth App (here’s a secret…the App
can be even more helpful for life AFTER birth).

297
TRACY DONEGAN

Find easy ways to fill your cup, make some scheduled ‘me time’
a priority – even if it’s just an undisturbed hour in the bath. (As a
new parent sometimes even a trip to the supermarket alone can be
replenishing!).

Talk to your care provider or a good friend if you’re struggling.

“I don’t remember who said this,

but there really are places in the heart you
don’t even know exist until you love a child.”
–Anne Lamott–

SWIMMING UPSTREAM
“When I think back to my own mom, she always seemed so on top
of things. I feel dismayed and guilty that I’m not handling things as
well and feel a lot more frazzled than she seemed to be.”

Let’s step back for a minute and look at how we got here. During
more than 99% of the time that humans (or our close ancestors)
have lived on this planet, mothers raised families in small groups of
hunter-gatherers. If you had been among them, your life would have
moved at the speed of a walk while you provided for your needs and
fulfilled your ambitions with a child on your hip or nearby. You would
have eaten fresh and organic foods saturated in micro-nutrients
and you would have breathed air and drunk water free of artificial
chemicals. Most important of all, you would have spent much of your
day with other mothers, surrounded by a supportive community of
relatives, friends, and neighbors. These are the conditions to which
your body and mind are adapted for raising children. Nonetheless,
at odds with this basic genetic blueprint, most mothers today must
rush about stressfully, constantly juggling and multitasking. Few

298
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

modern jobs can be done with young children around, so working

means spending much of the day separated from your kids and the
stresses of the unnatural schedule and pace they must then handle
affect them in ways that naturally spill over onto you.

Unfortunately, while the essential activities of mothering - pregnancy,

childbirth, breastfeeding, worrying and planning and loving with
all your heart - have not altered one bit, our world has changed
profoundly, and evolution hasn’t had time to catch up. You and
we are genetically identical to the first modern humans of 200,000
years ago, and nearly identical to our earliest tool-using ancestors,
who lived over two million years ago.

Compared to our ancestors, most of us eat much fewer vegetables

and whole foods, and much more white flour, sugar, and artificial
chemicals, and we can’t help absorbing some of the billions of
pounds of toxins released into the environment each year, which
even leave traces in breast milk. The so-called village it takes to
raise a child usually looks more like a ghost town, so you have to
rely more on your mate than did mothers in times past; but he, too,
is strained by the unprecedented busyness and intensity of modern
life.

If you feel like you’re swimming upstream, it’s because raising

children was not meant to be this way. Many of the problems that
seem purely personal or marital actually start on the other side of
your front door.

Of course, the world is not going to change back to the time of the
hunter-gatherers (and we’d miss refrigerators and telephones too
much if it did!). And those times certainly had their own difficulties,
such as famine and disease. But, like every mother, you can’t help
but feel the impact of the whirlwind we’re all living in.

299
TRACY DONEGAN

That’s why we think it’s so important for you and every mother to
take active steps to lower her stresses and increase her resources:
That’s mother nurture.

Adapted from Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body,

Mind, and Intimate Relationships, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Jan Hanson,
L.Ac., and Ricki Pollycove, M.D.

www.RickHanson.net

“Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.”

–Tina Fey–

WHAT TENNIS CAN TEACH US

ABOUT NEWBORN MENTAL HEALTH
“You’ll spoil the baby”…”You’re making a rod for your back” … “You’ll
never get him into his own bed” … “Don’t pick him up every time he
cries” …

“He can’t possibly be hungry again” … “You need to toughen him up”
… Does any of this sound familiar – if not – it will.

What is a new mom to do when this is the advice you’re getting

from well-meaning family and friends (and sometimes health care
professionals) but, when you follow the advice, it feels so wrong And
maybe you persevere and ignore your gut feeling because you believe
everyone else knows more about this whole ‘mothering’ thing than
you, especially when it’s your first baby. I hope the information I’m
going to share with you will reassure you that following your instincts
and responding to your baby is not only good for your baby’s mental
health, it’s good for yours too. Recordings of inconsolable babies

300
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

crying are used in military torture, which is why it also feels like
torture to you.

Imagine your baby’s brain is like a Matryoshka doll. It is built from

the bottom up…(imagine the tiny doll in the center)…followed by
a bigger doll and another..…That’s how your baby’s brain develops.
Like building a house, everything is connected but you have to put
in a strong foundation first. The basic brain circuits your baby is
born with are very simple but have two important functions – to
let mom know “Hey, I need you right now….I’m hungry….I’m wet…I’m
scared…I don’t know what I need but I know I need you right now”
so you will respond and help your baby grow the more complex
areas of the brain needed to function as a healthy adult. So you’ve
changed his nappy, and you know he’s not hungry and your baby is
still upset – and, again, well-meaning friends will say he’s crying for
‘no reason’ ….or she’s trying to manipulate you. Please understand
that the world is a very big scary place for your baby and having you
close by acts as a buffer to the stress of this scary world that your
baby is constantly adjusting to.

Think of your relationship with your baby like a tennis match.

You ‘serve’ and baby ‘returns’….there’s a constant ‘to and fro’ of
communication. In the early days, that could simply be making eye
contact, touching your baby, carrying your baby…cooing and talking
to your baby and answering his cries. No Baby Einstein shows
required!

As a new mom, it may seem like you’re learning a new language but
you’re learning what your baby is communicating (as your brain is
changing too).

Like a tennis match, every time your baby communicates to you

through cries and body movement (that’s the serve) and you respond
appropriately consistently (return) you are growing your baby’s brain
in the healthiest way possible. Likewise, when you communicate

301
TRACY DONEGAN

with your baby and he responds, your brain is changing too! Win-
win for you both!

As your baby gets older, you’ll get lots of advice from other parents
about sleep training or controlled crying but keep in mind your
baby can only learn to comfort himself when your baby feels safe
and secure – knowing his caregiver will respond to his needs. Not
responding to your newborn baby’s needs consistently (consistency
is key) means his brain develops differently due to his ongoing
stress response, so the growth in areas associated with regulating
emotions and making decisions is smaller and the area associated
with stress grows more. Being consistent is the key – don’t feel
guilty because your baby had to cry for a few minutes while you
had the quickest shower of your life. So why is this important?
Research suggests that adults with smaller executive functioning
areas and smaller hippocampi tend to experience more physical
and psychological complications in life (it’s hard to make good
decisions about your health or lifestyle when that part of the brain
hasn’t developed properly). Your baby is learning the capacity to
trust. Right from those first moments after birth, your baby’s brain is
wired to build a relationship with you so he can survive and thrive.

Being a new mom can be incredibly hard and, if you have a colicky baby,
it can test even the most patient parents...your baby is inconsolable
and cries and cries...you’ve tried everything. Yes, this is a very
stressful time for your baby (and parents) but, by doing everything
you’re already doing – walking, carrying baby in a sling, rocking etc
and reacting calmly to your baby’s distress, you are buffering that
stress response in his brain. It might feel like what you’re doing isn’t
helping but responding gently and compassionately is exactly what
he needs right now while he goes through this tough time.

Your body has been your baby’s habitat for the nine months of
pregnancy and your body remains your baby’s habitat (skin-to-skin
on your chest) for the next few days after birth (or longer) as this
magical brain wiring begins. Your baby’s brain forms 700 – 1000

302
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

new neural connections every second of every day for the first two
years of life and you are the person best equipped to help those
connections happen in all the right places just by responding to
your baby when he needs you.

So today respond gently to your baby, rock them to sleep in your

tired arms one more time tonight grateful knowing that you are the
expert on your baby and your instincts won’t let you down. Lean on
your family and friends for support on those difficult days so you’re
also not just surviving new motherhood but thriving too.

I Am Enough

GETTING YOUR GROOVE BACK

Sex and the New Mother

(an excerpt from BabyLune.com)

I know it’s ridiculous, but my six-month-old still doesn’t sleep

through the night. She still wakes up for one nursing session. It
wouldn’t be so bad if I took naps or slept in, but I work these days
and napping is not a possibility. My tiredness is having its effect on
marital relations.

On Thursday, I thought my libido had come back. So, I thought I

would sit beside my husband on the couch while he watched the
World Cup and let nature take its course at half-time.

Then, I saw my freshly made bed with crisp, clean sheets, plump,
soft pillows and cozy duvet. Pardon the clichés, but my bed is a
conventional beauty. And king-sized.

303
TRACY DONEGAN

It was only slightly dark in the early evening, but there was a slight
breeze coming through the open window that made getting under
the blankets just so inviting. To sleep.

I don’t think my husband noticed I was gone!

SEX AFTER PREGNANCY:

LET YOUR BODY SET THE PACE
After childbirth, sex may be the last thing on your mind. If you’re
feeling up to it, follow your sex drive where it leads.

Sex after pregnancy happens. Honestly. But first, vaginal soreness

and sheer exhaustion are likely to take a toll. Whether you’re in the
mood or sex is the last thing on your mind, here’s what you need to
know about sex after pregnancy.

AFTER OUR BABY IS BORN,

HOW SOON CAN I HAVE SEX?
Whether you give birth vaginally or by cesarean, your body will need
time to heal. Many health care providers recommend waiting six
weeks before resuming intercourse. This allows time for the cervix
to close, postpartum bleeding to stop, and any tears or repaired
lacerations to heal.

But the other important timeline is your own. Some women feel
ready to resume sex within a few weeks of giving birth. Others need
more time. Factors such as fatigue, postpartum blues, and changes
in body image may take a toll on your sex drive.

WILL IT HURT?
Your vagina may be dry and tender, especially if you’re breastfeeding.
To ease any discomfort, take it slow. Start with cuddling, kissing,
or massage. Gradually build the intensity of stimulation. If vaginal

304
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

dryness is a problem, use a lubricating cream or gel. Try different

positions to take pressure off any sore areas and control penetration.
Tell your partner what feels good—and what doesn’t. If sex continues
to be painful, consult your doctor. Rarely, complications of healing
may require additional treatment.

WILL IT FEEL DIFFERENT?

After several vaginal deliveries, decreased muscle tone in the vagina
may reduce pleasurable friction during sex, which can influence
arousal. To tone your pelvic floor muscles, remember to do your Kegel
exercises and practice your perineal massage in pregnancy. (Encourage
your partner to read this section as an incentive for him to help you
with your GentleBirth practice). I recommend all moms see a women’s
pelvic health wellness physiotherapist 6 weeks after birth whether you
had a vaginal or cesarean birth. Too many moms are suffering from
painful sex and urinary incontinence months after birth.

WHAT ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL?

Unless you’re hoping to become pregnant right away, sex after
pregnancy requires a reliable method of birth control even if you’re
breastfeeding. Barrier methods such as condoms and spermicides
can be useful. If you prefer hormonal birth control, it’s important
to select a method that doesn’t interfere with breastfeeding.
Your postpartum checkup is a great time to ask your midwife or
obstetrician about the options.

WHAT IF I’M TOO TIRED TO HAVE SEX?

Caring for a newborn can be exhausting. If you’re too tired to have
sex at bedtime, say so. But that doesn’t mean your sex life is over.
You may prefer making love early in the morning or during your
baby’s nap. Feed your baby first to extend the time you and your
partner have together.

305
TRACY DONEGAN

WHAT IF I’M NOT INTERESTED IN SEX?

That’s okay. There’s more to a sexual relationship than intercourse,
especially when you’re adjusting to life with a new baby. If you’re
not feeling sexy or you’re afraid sex will hurt, share your concerns
with your partner. Until you’re ready to have sex, maintain intimacy
in other ways. Spend time together without the baby, even if it’s
just a few minutes in the morning and after the baby goes to sleep
at night. Share short phone calls throughout the day or occasional
soaks in the tub. Look for other ways to express affection.

If communicating with your partner doesn’t help, be alert for signs

and symptoms of postpartum depression. If your mood is consistently
low, you find little joy in life, or you have trouble summoning the
energy to start a new day, contact your doctor promptly.

WHAT CAN I DO TO BOOST MY SEX DRIVE?

Go easy on yourself. The thing is it’s hard to get in the mood with
your evil twin insisting you are so unattractive to your partner these
days and repeatedly harping on about losing the baby weight. She
will play on every insecurity and vulnerability you thought you left
behind with your teenage years – and she is MEAN!

Set reasonable expectations as you adjust to life with your new

baby. Appreciate the changes in your body. Eat healthy foods, and
drink plenty of fluids. Try to get in some exercise. Make ‘me’ time a
priority. Self-care goes a long way toward keeping passion alive.

“There is only one pretty child in the world

and every mother has it.”
–Chinese Proverb–

306
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

EMOTIONAL HEALTH BEFORE AND

AFTER YOUR BABY ARRIVES
Thankfully, postnatal (and prenatal) depression is starting to be
discussed more openly. Most moms adjust well to the new world
order and don’t get depressed. It’s estimated that around 10 to 20%
of moms will experience postnatal depression (PND) and nearly
70% get well with low intervention (in most cases, medication isn’t
necessary). Self-help strategies such as CBT are considered among
the most effective therapies for moms with mild to moderate
depression (A grade therapy). Women who practice mindfulness tend
to experience lower rates of anxiety and postpartum depression.

The realities of parenthood can be a shock to the system, especially

for some older moms with established careers. If you’re feeling
low, there’s a good chance that you’re not depressed but may be
experiencing anemia, an infection after birth, or thyroid problems.
Maybe you’re experiencing relationship problems or not getting any
sleep.

Most moms experience the hormonal free-fall of the “baby blues”

in the first few days after birth, but this is a hormonal reaction and
resolves itself quickly.

Here are some helpful ways to help you assess if you may be suffering
from depression or anxiety during your pregnancy or postnatally.

• Overall, how are things?

• Are you enjoying your pregnancy? Are you enjoying your
new baby?
• How are you adapting to your new life?
• Over the past two weeks, have you had any down days? Do
you feel like you’re having more bad days than good?

If you aren’t enjoying your new baby as much as you should, with
more bad days than good for two weeks or more, it may be time to
get help. Untreated PND can impact your baby’s brain development

307
TRACY DONEGAN

because moms experiencing PND often don’t engage with their baby
the way other moms do and dads can also become depressed. Don’t
wait. If you think you may be depressed, talk to your healthcare
provider. The sooner you start, the sooner you can fully enjoy your
pregnancy and this new phase of your life with your new baby.

So, as you approach the end of the program, you may still have
some ‘wobbles’ toward the end of your pregnancy. This is totally
normal. You are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime and
bring a new human into the world - it would be strange not to have
any wobbles at all.

TOOLS FOR PARENTS – EDINBURGH

POSTNATAL DEPRESSION SCREENING
There are some problems using EPDS as a screening tool that are
common with any type of screening tool for PND:

• It doesn’t necessarily pick up all symptoms, and it’s less

helpful if you are suffering from anxiety, but it is recognized
as being a useful guide to how you are feeling at the time.
• The other difficulty with postnatal depression is that some
days you might feel fine while other days are especially
difficult.

The above can result in what are commonly called “false positive” or
“false negative” results where the screening tool does not work. That
is why EPDS is normally completed with the help of a trained health
care professional who can provide a clinical diagnosis of anxiety,
depression or PTSD for which they may use detailed questionnaires
or assessment tools.

You might find it helpful to follow this link to take an online version
of the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression quiz and follow up with your
care provider.

https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/

308
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

SAD DADS
As a new mom, you’re carrying the bulk of this huge transition but
remember that many new fathers are anxious and stressed about
their new responsibilities as well and most don’t talk about it. Just
like you, they feel thrown in at the deep end and most dads feel
unprepared for the realities of life with a newborn, little sleep and
a partner who is recovering physically too. Most dads really want to
be involved and provide you with meaningful support but that kind
of dad ‘training’ isn’t always easy to find (a great reason to come
along to a GentleBirth workshop so you’re both on the same page
mentally and emotionally). When you combine uncertainty, stress,
lack of sleep and the opinions of your combined evil twins, it can
quickly lead to anxiety, which can put your partner on a fast track
to depression.

Several studies have confirmed that mental health issues with new
fathers constitute a growing concern. One European organization
found that more than 1 in 3 new fathers (38%) are concerned about
their mental health. Overall, the current research suggests that 1 in
10 dads have PND. Fathers also appear to be more likely to suffer
from depression three to six months after their baby is born. Paternal
depression is even more common (50%) when mom is experiencing
mood concerns too. We know that postpartum depression in women
is multifactorial and involves hormones, brain chemistry and the
huge life adjustment that comes with being a new parent. Dads
experience all of the above also but often with additional stressors
such as being the sole breadwinner.

The stigma against experiencing difficulties in early parenthood is

even higher for men than for women. We expect them to be stoic,
strong and selfless but when a new dad is having difficulties they’re
even less likely to ask for help.

309
TRACY DONEGAN

WHAT SYMPTOMS SHOULD

PARTNERS LOOK OUT FOR AND
WHERE CAN THEY GO FOR SUPPORT?
With normal stress partners will feel better after some extra sleep
or meeting a friend or exercising but with depression, these things
won’t make him feel better and the symptoms are more severe
and last longer. Ideally, dads should get help from a mental health
professional who specializes in working with men as it’s unlikely to
improve and more likely to worsen without help.

PND affects each man differently but some of the more common
signs are:

• Feeling very low over a 2 week period, often accompanied

by feelings of hopelessness.
• Difficulty sleeping (not unusual for parents with a new baby
but in this case your mind is racing and won’t switch off).
• Withdrawing from the family (spending more time away
from your partner and newborn).
• Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to cry or feelings of
anger.
• Having disturbing thoughts about harming themselves or
their baby.

Don’t ignore it. This isn’t something you can just ‘get over’ – it’s
a serious health condition that can also seriously impact your
baby’s development. A father’s postpartum depression can have
a negative and long-term impact on the psychological, social, and
behavioral development of his children— even more so with baby
boys regardless of whether the mom is depressed. If both parents
are depressed, your child’s development is even more severely
impacted.

Talk to your partner. Speak to a care provider who can refer you to a
specialist. We need to treat brain health the way we treat any other

310
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

kind of health issue and talk about it the same way. There would
be no shame in going to your GP because you had a knee injury or
heart condition – brain health should be no different.

There is a silver lining – most parents with a diagnosis of mild to

moderate depression will have a complete recovery and, more often
than not these days, medication isn’t the first recommended option
for treatment.

You’re not alone, it’s not your fault, you’re not to blame.

Final words from Tracy

Forget YOLO (you only live once) and consider YOBO instead. You
only get one chance to give birth to this baby - make it the best
experience it can be for both of you. You’ve got this!

As you continue on your journey into motherhood enjoy this story…

Once upon a time, there was a bunch of tiny frogs… who arranged
a running competition (yeah yeah I know frogs don’t run…use your
imagination).

The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and
cheer on the contestants….

The race began….

Honestly, no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs
would reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as: “Oh, it’s WAY too difficult!!” “They will
NEVER make it to the top, they should just give up.” The tiny frogs
began collapsing, one by one….

311
TRACY DONEGAN

Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and
higher….

The crowd continued to yell, “It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!”
More tiny frogs got discouraged and tired and gave up …

But ONE continued higher and higher and higher … she just wouldn’t
give up.

At the end, everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except
for the one tiny frog who, remaining focused on the tower, was the
only one who reached the top! All of the other tiny frogs naturally
wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it? A contestant
asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and
reach the goal.

It turned out …

That the winner was deaf…

The wisdom of this story is that you should never listen to other
people’s tendencies to be negative or pessimistic … because they
take your most wonderful dreams and wishes away from you.

Always remember the power words have because everything you

hear and read affects your beliefs.

So when anyone wants to tell you how difficult labor will be or how
naïve you are - just pretend to be deaf!

Wishing you a wonderful birth and very positive parenting experience.

All is well.

Tracy Donegan

Registered Midwife

312
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

Instead of the usual “what ifs” we tend to hear about birth,

consider the following very possible scenarios……..

What If………

I have a wonderful calm gentle birth……

I really can do this……
I can handle anything that comes my way……
I’m stronger than I realize……
I give birth calmly, with confidence and in control……
I give birth without fear……
I nurse my baby easily……
I love being a mom and enjoy this new season of my life……

313
TRACY DONEGAN

EPIDURAL PREFERENCES
Thank you for your support on this special day and your help in
avoiding potential nerve/pelvic organ/pelvic floor injury from
common practices used with an epidural. My partner (and doula) will
remain with me in the room while the epidural is being administered
for emotional support.

I will be using the GentleBirth App during and after the administration
of the epidural to help me remain calm and still during the procedure.

Labor
Please provide me with a peanut ball and allow for frequent
position changes during the first stage of labor. I may request that
the epidural infusion is turned down to allow for more effective
pushing.

As long as my baby and I are well I prefer to labor down and not
start any active pushing until my baby is at +2 station to reduce
exhaustion unless I have a strong urge before then.

I prefer a mother led non coached 2nd stage if I can feel the urge
to push.

If I have adequate control of my legs I would like to try various

positions including hands and knees. My partner and doula will
assist.

If available please provide a squat bar to assist in my pushing efforts

in an upright position to avoid being on my back.

**To create more space for my baby my ankles need to be further

apart than my knees for internal rotation of my femur bones. If my
knees are further apart than my feet the space at the pelvic outlet
is reduced.

314
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

**In the event stirrups are necessary please move my legs

simultaneously with another staff member or my partner when
lifting in and out of stirrups. Please keep in mind the position of my
ankles to create more space.

To reduce the risk of back/pelvic injury please to not direct me to

pull my legs back or for my partner to push my head forward.

I prefer no vaginal stretching or massaging of my perineum.

Please do not use mineral oil, baby shampoo or any lubricant on

my perineum.

When my baby’s head is visible please apply a warm compress to

my perineum to reduce the risk of perineal trauma. I am aware that
I will be unable to gauge the temperature of the compress so please
test it on my arm first.

I do not consent to an episiotomy without briefly discussing the

medical necessity first.

I would appreciate your expert guidance to focus as my baby’s head

crowns.

Please do not suction my baby on the perineum routinely.

Assisted Birth
If instruments are required to assist my baby and a vacuum is being
considered I understand an episiotomy is unlikely to be necessary.

If a forceps is advised I would like the most senior Obstetrician to

perform the procedure.

315
TRACY DONEGAN

To be discussed prenatally with staff.

If a forceps is recommended and there is time I would prefer

that my baby is born by cesarean birth.

Suturing
Please ensure I have adequate analgesia for any suturing that may
be needed and keep me covered until suturing is about to begin
and Please only place my legs in stirrups right before suturing is
about to begin to avoid the risk of blood clots.

Thank you for your support on this special day.

316
 B A B Y, B RE A S T F E E D IN G A N D B E Y O N D

RECOMMENDED READING
Mindful Pregnancy (2020) by Tracy Donegan

The Irish Better Birth Book by Tracy Donegan

The Irish Cesarean and VBAC Guide by Tracy Donegan

Ina May Gaskin’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin

Mother Nurture by Rick Hanson

Real Food for Pregnancy by Lily Nichols

What Mothers Do: Especially When It Seems Like Nothing by Naomi

Stadlen

Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten

317