Dating - A Biblical Guide by Faith A. Oyedepo S

Dating: A Biblical Guide
DATING: A BIBLICAL GUIDE
Copyright @2017 by:

Faith A. Oyedepo
ISBN: 978-978-2480-15-6
Printed in Nigeria by:

DOMINION PUBLISHING HOUSE
All rights reserved.
No portion of this book may be used without the written

permission of the publisher, with the exception of brief
excerpts in magazine articles, reviews, etc.
For further information or permission, address:
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Tel: +234 816 406 0777, +234 909 151 4022
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Connect with Faith A. Oyedepo

Faith Abiola Oyedepo @faithoyedepo
@officialfaithoyedepo www.faithoyedepo.org
All Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of

the
Bible, except otherwise stated.
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Table of Contents
Introduction................................................................................................................................................................ 5
Chapter 1 - A Biblical Perspective ...................................................................................................................... 7
What is dating? ................................................................................................................................................ 7
What, then, is dating to the Christian? ................................................................................................... 8
Who should date?........................................................................................................................................... 9
Who can I date? You may ask! ................................................................................................................ 12
How long should I date? ........................................................................................................................... 14
Chapter 2 - Why Date?........................................................................................................................................ 17
Why Some Dating Relationships Fail .................................................................................................... 19
Misconceptions About Dating ................................................................................................................ 20
Chapter 3 - The Healthy Process Of Dating ................................................................................................ 25
Acquaintanceship......................................................................................................................................... 26
Friendship ....................................................................................................................................................... 27
Close Friendship ........................................................................................................................................... 30
Courtship ......................................................................................................................................................... 31
Engagement or Traditional Wedding ................................................................................................... 32
Marriage .......................................................................................................................................................... 33
Chapter 4 - But, How Do I Know? ................................................................................................................... 36
Chapter 5 - Don’t Just Talk, Communicate! ................................................................................................ 49
Strategic Keys To Effective Communication ...................................................................................... 50
Benefits of Effective Communication ................................................................................................... 53
Chapter 6 - Consider These Things…............................................................................................................. 58
• The Virtue of Chastity ........................................................................................................................ 59
• Be Sensible ............................................................................................................................................ 61
• Vigilance ................................................................................................................................................. 62
• Godly Counsel ...................................................................................................................................... 64
Chapter 7 - Traps To Avoid ............................................................................................................................... 67
Indiscipline...................................................................................................................................................... 67
Wrong Association ...................................................................................................................................... 70
Premarital Sex................................................................................................................................................ 71
How to Avoid Premarital Sex ................................................................................................................... 75
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Chapter 8 - More On Christian Courtship.................................................................................................... 79

Chapter 9 - Prepare To Marry .......................................................................................................................... 86
• Adequate Knowledge ........................................................................................................................ 86
• Personal Wholeness ........................................................................................................................... 87
• Break Loose From Your Negative Past ....................................................................................... 88
• Package Yourself Appropriately .................................................................................................... 90
Concluding the Dating Process .............................................................................................................. 92
Things I Don’t Want You To Forget................................................................................................................ 96
SALVATION PRAYER ................................................................................................................................... 99
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Introduction
Come now, and let us reason together...
Isaiah 1:18
No area of human existence is as volatile and capable of heartaches

as premarital relationships. Many have been victims of promising dating
relationships that have gone sour. The result is that the society, as well as
church pews, are filled with people with broken hearts.
However, this is not the worrisome aspect of it. The real cause for
concern is that, even Christian singles are not spared from being victims
of this cycle of failed relationships.
It seems that everywhere you turn, you find single Christian men and
ladies making the same mistakes and having similar experiences of pains,
just like a host of others before them.
Fundamentally, our thinking pattern needs to be addressed. The
continuous bombardment of people’s minds, especially from the media,
with ungodly relationship patterns with the opposite sex, subtly
discourages discretion and virtue. Sadly, many youths are victims of their
emotions rather than engaging in in rational thinking and behaviours that
will lead them to meaningful dating experiences.
It is, therefore, recommended that dating by Christians be,
essentially, a relationship between a well-informed man and lady, for the
purpose of choosing appropriate life partner.
The truth is: The prospect and thought of spending the rest of
one’s life with another person under the same roof, in all conditions and
perpetually, could be scary and challenging; bearing in mind the
unpredictability of human differences (Jeremiah 17:9). One’s thoughts are
clouded with many ‘ifs’: What if the person turns out to be different from
who I married originally? What if I get bored with him/her? What if he/ She
changes physically and does not look as good as he/ she looks now? What
becomes of my individuality, career, talents, dreams, etc.? The list is endless!
These are some of the legitimate concerns that single people grapple with,
which make it imperative to address this matter of premarital relationship.
Of course, you cannot answer all the "what ifs" in life. However, the
good news is that, there is an appropriate way to go about this all-
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important subject! If God, our Creator and Inventor of relationships, is the

God of order, then He must have a plan of how we should go about the
business of choosing whom we will spend the rest of our lives with.
The truth is: Many people lack a proper understanding of what
Christian dating is all about and how to approach it. This book seeks to
enlighten you on what Christian dating entails, the process of getting to
know the person you are dating, so as to establish a strong courtship that
will lead to a successful marriage. There are things to watch out for and
things that would foster success in the dating process.
This exciting book seeks to address these pertinent issues and more.
You can expect to have them laid out straight for you, as we explore the
Scripturally sensible ways to tackle this necessary phase that serves as a
prelude to the wonderful world of marriage.
May you be enlightened as you read. Welcome on board!
Signed,
Faith
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Chapter 1 - A Biblical
Perspective
Be ye not unequally yoked...
2 Corinthians 6:14
Clearly, there are only two outcomes for dating relationships:

marriage or a break up. The ultimate is knowing how to handle a
relationship, in order to discern if the partner is worth marrying or
otherwise.
By divine design, attraction between opposite sexes is biblical,
normal, natural and beneficial. Also, it is often said that opposites attract;
how true that is! This is why as we mature, we become ‘aware’ of the
opposite sex and desire to get close in an exclusive manner.
However, the mere feeling of attraction and attachment for
members of the opposite sex is not enough to build meaningful and
lasting relationships. This is why most young people "fall" in and out of
love at the drop of a hat. As soon as the excitement in one relationship
wears off, a new one begins.
The truth is: It takes more than just a feeling or attraction to sustain
a lifelong relationship marriage. This is where a good understanding of
dating comes in.
First, let us examine what dating is.
What is dating?
The American Heritage Dictionary defines a date as an appointment,

especially, an engagement to go out socially with a member of the
opposite sex.
Another meaning suggests that dating consists of activities engaged
in by two mature singles, with the aim of assessing each other’s suitability
as future partners.
While the term dating has several meanings, it usually refers to the
act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity
in public as a potential couple.
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The common idea is that, dating is two mature singles, exploring

their compatibility, by going out together in public. Essentially, this kind is
with the opposite sex, with the intention of getting better acquainted with
that person.
Dating could also be described as the middle stage in the process
of discovering a suitable mate. That is, dating comes between being
friends and getting married. However, to the Christian, dating is more than
a social activity as it is expected to actually lead to marriage.
What, then, is dating to the Christian?
The subject of dating can be a really touchy one, among Christians

of all ages. As believers, it is important to clearly understand what the Bible
teaches about relationships between men and women, and practise same.
For any Christian single, the ultimate goal of dating should be
finding a suitable life partner. But first, you must do away with the world’s
view because God’s way contradicts the world’s (2 Peter 2:20). The Bible
explains that, as Christians, you should not marry an unbeliever (2
Corinthians 6:14-15) because this will affect your relationship with Christ,
while compromising your morals and standards.
Clearly, the Bible does not endorse the "recreational" or "shopping
around" kind of dating that the world practises today. Such individuals
have no interest in a long-term commitment, but date simply with "fleshly
pleasure" in mind.
For any Christian
Conversely, many Christians are afraid to
single, the ultimate
goal of dating should date, due to the fear of premarital sex.
be finding a suitable However, the problem is not with dating, but
life partner. what you do while dating. As a result of the
need to love and to feel loved, is
understandable and expected of singles, including Christians, to desire
dating. However, our relationship as Christians must be guided by God’s
Word that show us how to relate with one another.
If Christian singles are to date without the heartache experienced by
many, then there must be an adequate understanding of what it takes to
build meaningful and lasting relationship beyond mere physical attraction.
This is because physical attraction usually wears off.
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Dating, therefore, becomes a fact-finding process which two mature

Christian singles of the opposite sex seek to know each other, so as to be
able to make a quality decision concerning marriage. The entire process
must be purposeful, well-defined and understood.
It is in the light of this that dating, in the context of this book, can
be regarded as part of the process of finding an appropriate person, who
you would spend the rest of your life with in marriage.
It is wrong for two people to pursue a relationship, when they are
not eligible for marriage. The result is usually tragic. It is clear that the Bible
only endorses relationships between young men and women that lead to
long term commitment and eventually, marriage. Christian dating is
founded on Scriptural principles and commandments that uphold
righteousness, purity and truthfulness.
Unlike the roller coaster, breezy and always-changing phase of
attraction, which many young people erroneously mistake for love, dating
is meant to be between a mature man and woman, who are working
towards a successful marriage.
Who should date?
Some of the questions often asked are: At what age can one start
dating? and Who qualifies for dating?
It is advised that the dating relationship be engaged in by mature
men and ladies who have set boundaries in place and understand how to
relate respectfully with other people, especially the opposite sex. However,
experience has shown that dating is engaged in by both the mature and
immature.
Today, adolescents engage in romantic relationships because they
have been taught unknowingly that it is normal at their age. The result is
that dating, intimacy and friendship with the opposite sex are viewed as a
normal part of life. Boyfriend and girlfriend relationships, more often than
not, preoccupy young people’s minds.
Sadly, many have not been properly schooled In handling this aspect
of their lives in a godly way, to avoid adverse consequences like
heartaches that result from jilts or unwanted pregnancies. Unfortunately,
the situation is not different in the church; the body of Christ.
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Also, on the other hand, some youths are extensively taught how to
date the "godly" way, covering two important points: not being unequally
yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6: 14) and not engaging in
premarital sex (Hebrews 13:4). Although these are awesome principles,
unfortunately, they are not sufficient to tackle the dangers of teenage
dating.
Understand this: Dating is not meant for young boys and girls, who
are only interested in the company of the opposite sex, without a full
understanding of what relationships are all about. Such youngsters should
relate with the opposite sex in group settings first, to learn how to institute
and respect set boundaries, before venturing into dating relationships that
could lead to marriage.
According to the Scripture, Timothy, who had a good Christian
upbringing, knowing the challenges of youth, strongly admonishes:
Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace,
with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
2 Timothy 2:22
There is nothing wrong with friendship between a male and a
female, as long as they treat each other with respect and observe purity.
However, it is not right to demand for exclusive attention, until you are
sure that you are genuinely interested in building a lasting relationship,
with the proper boundaries instituted. Doing otherwise will result in taking
undue advantage of each other. This can have devastating consequences,
such as hurt feelings and heartaches from broken relationships for the
parties involved.
God’s Word emphasises on loving and honouring others as you love
yourself (Romans 12:9-10), and this is certainly true for a dating
relationship. Following this biblical principle is the best way to have a
secure foundation for marriage.
Actually, to "marry" is to "be joined as one". It is one of the most
important decisions you will ever make, because when two people marry,
they cleave to one another and become one flesh, in a relationship which
God intended to be permanent and unbreakable (Genesis 2:24; Matthew
19:5).
The Bible teaches about how to deal with the opposite sex, with
absolute purity.
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Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as
brethren; The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
1 Timothy 5:1-2
Also, the Bible admonishes us not to stir up or arouse love until the
right time.
I charge you... that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.
Song of Solomon 2:7
This is because emotions and commitments, which every meaningful
relationship requires, are to be reserved for your future spouse. When you
play around with any of these, by offering them to others before its time,
you are awakening a part of yourself that is not ready. When you do this
repeatedly, your emotions become unstable; you find it difficult to be
genuinely committed and consequently indulge in shallow relationships.
Each new relationship opens a window to your soul and allows the
people to have a place in your heart and mind that will be difficult to erase.
Ultimately, this robs your future spouse of the best of you.
Dating is, therefore, meant to be between a mature man and woman
who have marriage in view in the not-too-distant future. They should have
a clear understanding of where they are heading to in life, and should at
least have prospects of getting there.
Young people, especially teenagers, that are in due course ready to
obey God’s Word in Genesis 2:24 (Therefore shall a man leave his father and
his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh) are
encouraged to concentrate on building non-romantic relationships with
fellow believers in groups for now. The aim should be to relate as brothers
and sisters in Christ. Do not arouse romantic love until you are married.
So, if you don’t have the intention of getting married yet, but all you
want is a fling with the opposite sex, then, do not bother about dating at
all. It is as serious as that!
The fear expressed by some youths is that they will be regarded as
being weird, if they do not date. This is absolutely NOT so. The reality is
that you can’t have the attention of multiple dates and still be pursuing a
God-honouring relationship with one. But you can start somewhere,
slowly and casually, and trust God to lead you into more.
Dating without prospect of marriage is tantamount to playing with
fire. Sadly, this is a common phenomenon in the world today. You see
single persons going in and out of non-directional and aimless
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relationships in the name of dating. Again, this is very dangerous as it

results in hurts, which can make it difficult to trust anyone in the future.
Apart from that, it makes it difficult to make a rational choice of a marriage
partner after being hurt and desensitised by frequent broken
relationships.
So, unlike what obtains in most circles today, dating is not
something to be engaged in, simply because one wants to enjoy the
company of the opposite sex. It is not about ‘having fun’ with someone
for as long as it lasts. It is not supposed to be a time of going in and out
of relationships like needle and thread moving stealthily in and out of a
fabric. Also, dating is certainly not time to experiment and explore each
other’s bodies sexually.
Sensible and profitable dating is a
process for information gathering and There is nothing wrong
with friendship between
relationship building. It is, also, meant to
a male and a female, as
be a public and social activity that helps long as they treat each
prepare young men and women for other with respect and
marriage, by providing opportunities to observe purity.
develop certain skills necessary for a
successful married life.
Christian dating should be based on biblical principles and
commandments that uphold righteousness, purity and truthfulness. As
believers, the Word of God, not the world’s wisdom, should be our
standard in all issues, dating inclusive.
Who can I date? You may ask!
Morally, it should be noted that you are not expected to date just
because you want a friend of the opposite sex or to fit in. That will amount
to dishonesty and would be unfair to the person you are dating. Also, do
not date out of pity or for physical benefits; rather, date for the right
purpose.
Besides, for dating to be successful, who you can date must be
properly defined. This is because not everyone qualifies as an appropriate
candidate for you.
• A Born-Again, Proven Believer
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As a Christian, the dating relationship is meant to be futuristic. This

means that the future must be kept in view, as you should end up marrying
tomorrow the person you date today!
Be wise enough to look from a distance, to determine if the person
is truly a Christian and truly desiring to live for God. Why would you even
think of developing a relationship with someone who does not have a
heart for God?
As a woman, mother, counsellor and pastor, I can tell you several
stories of people, who dated and eventually married unbelievers. Many of
such have suffered greatly with unequally-yoked marriages. It is wisdom
to keep your interest within the household of God.
Therefore, the first prerequisite is that whoever you date must be a
born-again believer. The Scripture clearly a instructs:
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship
hath righteousness with unrighteousness! and what communion hath light with
darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14
A born-again Christian is one who has repented of and forsaken
his/her sins, turned to Jesus Christ for salvation, and as a result, has
become part of God’s family, forever (Galatians 3:29).
His/her born-again experience should be validated and known to
others. There should be no consideration whatsoever for someone who is
not born again. He/she must be a proven believer. No assumption!
• A Person of Character in the Same Spiritual Kingdom
The next thing to look out for is to date a person YOU believe is a
suitable candidate for marriage. This eliminates ‘trying out’ syndrome.
A suitable person is one in the same spiritual Kingdom as you; one
who possesses an attitude of upholding purity and honour in dating. This
will require you to first establish that he/she is a person of character
There is a difference between dating by Christians and dating by
those who do not live by the standards of the Word. While others focus
on appearance and fleshly pleasures, as
Christians, you should focus on building The success of your
dating relationship will
each other up, as you encourage each
determine your success
in marriage.
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other to obey God’s commandments in every area of your lives including

dating.
If your date is a committed Christian, it will reflect in his/her daily
life. Such an individual will be eager to know more of God, enjoy going to
Church, enjoy serving others, and generally be a faithful and diligent
member of his/her local Church and community. Most importantly, he/she
will be willing to address his/her faults and work them out with God by
desiring to be more like Jesus.
Don’t be deceived! A date with a person of ungodly character will
surely end up in crisis. Character failure always leads to destiny failure! This
demands that you do not jump straight into intimacy and romance; but
promote wholeness, purity and genuine love. This is far beyond
sentimental gush.
So that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a
lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of.
Philippians 1:10 (MSG)
How long should I date?
Don’t be in a rush! This is because anything of worth that will last is

never approached hastily; adequate preparation precedes greatness.
So Jotham became mighty, because he prepared his ways before the
LORD, his God.
2 Chronicles 27:6
The success of your dating relationship will determine your success
in marriage. As a beneficial forerunner in marriage, dating has the
potential to set the pace for either a wholesome or a less than average
married life.
Luke 14:28 says:
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and
counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?
Since marriage does not involve only you, and it is meant to last for
as long as you live, there is need for adequate preparation. The purpose
of dating is to find out if both of you have enough in common, to be able
to spend the rest of your lives together successfully as husband and wife.
Dating, if approached appropriately, affords you the opportunity to
truly know your partner. This knowledge is indispensable to loving,
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accepting and adjusting to that partner. So, before you say, "I DO" to
anyone, take your time to really get to know who they are, not their public
images or personalities, but who they really are. Find out about their
background, upbringing, faith, outlook on life, ideas about marriage and
family, etc.; all of which will have contributed to making them who they
are right now.
A successful relationship is one where both partners understand,
care, respect, appreciate and love each other. In other words, there is a
kind of satisfaction in your relationship. However, if you are unhappy most
of the time in your relationship, it’s better to give serious consideration to
it before it is too late.
Remember: Christian dating is not saying "yes" to every invitation or
trying out everyone available, keeping them on hold for as long as you
wish, and finally saying "no" when you have made up your mind.
Clearly, it requires time, counsel, making decision, prayers, discipline,
and upholding your Christian testimony in every way. So, be patient; you’ll
be glad you did.
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Biblical dating implies that

you are secure in God
first, before you can
handle a dating relationship.
This is because dating
someone who doesn’t
have a personal
relationship with Christ,
is playing with fire.
Beware!
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Chapter 2 - Why Date?

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge...
Hosea 4:6
Like every other thing in life, dating has its purpose. If you are not
eligible to marry, or there is no possibility of marriage with another person,
then don’t date! Dating with no intention or possibility of marriage is like
a child playing with matches; inevitably, the outcome will be fire!
Marriage can be likened to a marathon race, not a 100 metres dash!
Don’t be naive; don’t take a leap in the dark. It is a worthwhile venture to
be able to say on your wedding day that you are marrying a friend and
not someone you barely know. With this, you would have realised that
adequate preparation for such a task is non-negotiable.
Dating is a serious business and as such, should be viewed as a
significant venture that will affect you and
If you are not eligible to
the person you choose to date. The truth is
marry, or there is no
that every relationship has its effect on us, possibility of marriage
whether long or short-term. Therefore, the with another person,
decision on who to date or not to date then don’t date!
must be taken seriously.
As a Christian single, you cannot afford to do it the way others do.
God’s Word and precept must be your guiding rule in whatever you
engage yourself in.
Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over
me.
Deliver me from the oppression of man: so will I keep thy precepts.
Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; and teach me thy statutes.
Rivers of waters run down mine eyes, because they keep not thy law.
Psalm 119:133-136
Therefore, having a good understanding of the purpose of dating
will help you approach it sensibly and avoid the pitfalls, as you prepare for
a life of marital fulfilment.
Please understand: Marriage is an unconditional, lifelong
commitment that involves selflessness! Marriage on its own does not
guarantee happiness and joy, neither does it single-handedly terminate
loneliness and sadness: Are you surprised? Well, that’s the truth! So, if your
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motive and intention are to date so that someone can make you happy,
you will be setting yourself up for a disappointment. The right motive is
to get married with the intention of being a help and a blessing to your
partner.
The purpose of dating includes, but is not limited, to the following:
• To cultivate friendship
The primary purpose of dating is to cultivate friendship based on

honest communication and mutual acceptance of each other, which will
form the platform for a successful marriage.
• To know each other better
Dating also makes available the time to know each other better. It is
the time to find out, as much as you can, about the person you intend to
spend the rest of your life with, whether he/she will make a good spouse
or not.
You need to be as open as you can, so that the other person can get
to know you. Don’t pretend to be who you are not and don’t stifle your
feelings about issues in a bid to impress the other person. This tactic can
work for only a short period of time; at the end of the day, it will backfire.
• To know if both of you can get along
Another purpose of dating is to discover if both of you are heading

in the same direction in life. The Bible says:
Can two walk together, except they be agreed!
Amos 3:3
During the dating period, you should determine whether the person
is someone you can play a complementary role in his/her life, as your
dreams will be virtually intertwined. This information will help you to pull
in the same direction, rather than going different ways. Your visions and
goals for life should be complementary to the extent that you will
cooperate with God to bring out the best in each other.
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There is nothing as frustrating as being married to someone whose

life and goals have no bearing with yours, either because you are not
relevant, needed or valued.
God made Eve as a helpmeet to Adam by endowing her with virtues
and abilities that will make her effective; and His intention for marriage
has not changed since then. No matter your different talents, abilities and
gifts, God’s ultimate plan is for them to work together in harmony, to
achieve His grand purpose for bringing both of you together in the first
place.
• To prove each other’s sincerity
Dating helps to determine and establish the sincerity of the other

person. God must be sincerely honoured in every detail. You can only
vouch for yourself as you know your own intentions and desires towards
the person, but you must be able to prove that the other person is equally
as committed to you and the relationship and not just wasting your time.
The process of dating helps you to determine all that early enough,
in order to decide whether to put an end to the relationship or not.
The truth is: Though most first attraction is in the "looks", the one
that will eventually last a lifetime is in the "heart".
The Scripture says:
But the LORD said to Samuel, Do not 100k at his appearance or at the
height of his stature, because 1 have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees,
for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7 (NASB)
Why Some Dating Relationships Fail
Failure in dating relationships is traceable to many reasons. For

instance, if dating relationship Is influenced by movie examples, Internet
connections peer pressures, timely financial assistance, or built on the
platform of lies, pretence, deceit, assumption, etc. it will definitely fail.
A lot of dating relationships fall to end up in marriage for one of the
above reasons or the other The most common is operating in
assumption.
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By assumption, I mean engaging in dating without being fully aware

of the benefits and dangers of same. This,
in most cases, is as a result of failing to Dating in itself does not
deliberately seek for appropriate guarantee friendship;
rather, the skilful
knowledge that will help you make a
approach of the parties
success of dating. Rather, your dating to building friendship is
attitude is based on what you have what does.
acquired from television, discussion with
friends that are ignorant or reading books that do not give proper
enlightenment on the subject matter.
Mature people do not act on assumption, but deliberately go after
and acquire knowledge. My husband, Dr. David Oyedepo, has said,
"Assumption is the mother of frustration." You will not end your journey
in frustration!
Ignorance is another reason why dating fails.
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge...
Hosea 4:6
They are ignorant of the purpose of dating and how to make the
dating experience a successful one.
Dating also fails due to wrong information. Many people have
embraced the world’s idea of self-centred relationships, which has
resulted in being consumed by their needs, rather than being selfless.
Also, dating can fail when the parties are not prepared to work on
building a meaningful relationship. This could be a question of wrong
timing; some are either too young to date or not just ready for dating.
Misconceptions About Dating
It has been discovered that one of the main causes of problems after
marriage is the lack of knowledge or inaccurate knowledge in finding a
spouse. Many young people often have erroneous assumptions that result
in unreasonable expectations, which they eventually carry along into their
marriages.
Clearly, a successful dating process will lead to a successful marriage,
provided accurate information is obtained and applied. The Scripture says:
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Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is

established:
And by knowledge shall the chambers be filled with all precious and
pleasant riches.
A wise man is strong; yea, a man of knowledge increaseth strength.
Proverbs 24:3-5
Of course, right knowledge is the cure for wrong information, and
misconceptions are the products of wrong information. Right knowledge,
when rightly utilised, removes you from the realm of ignorance and brings
about a revolution in your life. Not just any kind of knowledge will suffice,
but the right kind of knowledge.
Now let’s examine some of these misconceptions on dating:
• Dating automatically guarantees friendship:
Dating in itself does not guarantee friendship; rather, the skilful

approach of the parties to building friendship is what does. Friendship
does not happen overnight; it takes time to grow and mature. This is why
before you start dating, it is important you learn how to build friendship.
A man who has friends must himself be friendly...
Proverbs 18:24 (NKJV)
Friendship is not a gift, but the result of hard work.
• In a dating relationship, intimacy can only be built by sex:
Most people associate intimacy with having sex; nothing can be

farther from the truth! As a matter of fact, intimacy is much deeper than
that. People who believe that sex brings about intimacy in dating usually
end up with shallow relationships and in regrets.
Unfortunately, some Christians also have this idea about intimacy. If
Christian marriage involves the union of spirit, soul and body, then spirit
and soul compatibility must start from dating.
Myles Munroe said in his book about dating, "Intimacy is not an act
but a state of existence in which both partners in a relationship trust the
other with their innermost thoughts, dreams, desires and emotions. "
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The ultimate of serious dating is to develop true intimacy, which

connotes oneness in spirit and soul, before getting involved in physical
oneness after marriage.
• In a dating relationship, we can relate with each other as

though we are married:
Clearly, dating is not the same as being married; rather, it is to help

decide if a person can be an appropriate choice of a life partner. Dating,
therefore, is to set the stage for marriage.
Some people erroneously conduct themselves as if they are married,
because they see the dating relationship as a marriage relationship. This is
definitely not so. Until you understand that dating and marriage are not
the same, you may be tempted to practise
Before you get involved
"marriage" in a dating relationship. By so
in dating, both the
timing and the person doing, you treat each other as husband
must be right, and and wife, while you are actually not.
dating must be for the Dating is not marriage; therefore, do
right reasons. not relate with each other as husband and
wife.
• Dating is a way of having fun and hanging out with

someone:
For a Christian, dating is not to be seen as a casual or romantic

relationship, entered into to meet your needs, rather, it is a relationship to
be engaged in for the purpose of identifying a lifelong mate and building
true friendship.
If you open up to someone who is not responsible enough to handle
your feelings with respect, the danger is that you could get hurt as a result
of emotional involvement.
When you are emotionally involved in a relationship, you tend to
unveil yourself. This is done by sharing your innermost feelings. Jesus said:
… I will love him, and will manifest (reveal) myself to him (John 14:21). This is
why you must always give whoever you are about to date, serious thought
and prayer. Before you get involved in dating, both the timing and the
person must be right, and dating must be for the right reasons.
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The Scripture says:

… Those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right.
Ecclesiastes 8:5 (NLT)
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Never let it cross your mind

that dating is the answer
to loneliness, low self-
esteem, depression and
insecurity. It is primarily
for the purpose of
establishing a godly
relationship that leads to
the wonderful world of
marriage.
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Chapter 3 - The Healthy

Process Of Dating
Desire without knowledge is not good...
Proverbs 19:2 (AMP)
The development of human life runs in a process that cannot be
short-circuited. With a gestation period of nine months, a normal child is
produced. Anything short of nine months will be a miscarriage or at best
a premature baby; this may bring about anxiety and specialised handling
of the baby, if it must survive.
In the same vein, dating must be handled the right way, by following
a healthy process, which is essential to the successful realisation of its
purpose. Anything short of this can result in heartaches, which could have
been avoided had the healthy process been adhered to.
In these days of on-line match-making and undisclosed emailing
back and forth between two individuals of the opposite sex, it’s rather easy
to develop a correspondence relationship with someone before you meet
them in person. This, of course, is dangerous to say the least, and is not a
healthy process for dating, no matter how real the connection may turn
out to be.
Don’t be desperate just because you have been waiting. Trust God,
pray and ask Him to guide you in the right direction.
Do not permit feelings of depression and loneliness. Don’t be
desperate; it will impair the effectiveness of
your evaluation. Don’t get yourself into The foundation of
that desperate mode of thinking that you success in a dating
must have someone now. Depending on relationship is in the
someone else for happiness is a quick way strength of character of
get to stuck in an unhealthy relationship. It the parties involved in it.
is important for you to find happiness
within yourself and then allow someone else share that happiness with
you.
So, be guided by God’s love, which manifests itself in self-control.
Also, spend quality time with God daily; draw strength from Him so as to
be able to resist and overcome temptations.
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Dating is either an information-gathering process or a relationship-

building process. The foundation of success in a dating relationship is in
the strength of character of the parties involved in it. This means that if
the parties are of strong characters, their relationship will be strong but if
they are of weak characters, the relationship will be shallow and weak.
You should depend on the Word of God to guide you and at the
same time, look to the wisdom of your elders in this critical time of your
life.
People of good character relate with integrity, grace and respect for
each other and this gives depth to the whole process of dating. It is,
therefore, important that you first of all develop an understanding of how
to relate with people, particularly of the opposite sex, without any
romantic inclinations.
When you are ready to date, learn and follow the appropriate
process. The process is made up of phases, and each phase has its own
set of rules that guide you on what to do, within the appropriate time
frame. Each level of relationship also carries certain responsibilities. It is in
the adherence to the demands of the rules that the utmost benefits are
realised.
Let me tell you this secret: The best way to meet a great person is to
be confident and be content in being single. This is when you will find
someone who desires to join you on the journey of life in marriage. Once
you meet that special person, he/she will appreciate you for the confident,
successful, creative and spontaneous person that you are. This is exactly
my story!
For a safe and fruitful experience, dating should follow a growing
process of acquaintanceship, friendship, close friendship, courtship,
engagement and wedding. Now, let us examine each phase briefly.
Acquaintanceship
This is the first level of contact with people, and it is characterised

by everyday casual chance-meetings with no strings attached. The
meeting point can be at work, in church, at school, in the neighbourhood,
or at an event, to mention but a few.
However, don’t participate in activities primarily to find dates. It does
not work that way! This occasional contact results in having a basic and
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general knowledge of each other. Interaction at this point involves talking

about general topics that are considered safe to talk about, without the
feeling of prying into someone else’s affairs. There is nothing intimate at
this level.
The acquaintance level is to be viewed as a divine appointment. This
is because, as believers, there is nothing coincidental about our lives. God
places people along our paths for divine purposes. The Bible says in
Psalm 139:16 (NIV):
Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were
written in your book before one of them came to be.
Think about this: Often, the wrong person shows up just before the
right one. So, don’t be in a rush! The Dos and Don’ts of this phase include,
but are not limited, to the following:
Dos:
• Be friendly.
• Be kind and helpful.
• Be courteous yet, discreet.
• Be yourself; no pretence or hypocrisy.
Don’ts:
• Never draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
• Never expect or ask for exclusive attention.
• Never drop romantic hints (this could mean flirting).
• Never get too familiar.
The truth is: This stage cannot be jumped, as it is the primary stage
where you establish the spiritual Kingdom to which he/she belongs. There
is no need going ahead to the next phase, if he/she does not belong to
the same spiritual Kingdom as you; light has no basis of relating with
darkness (2 Corinthians 6:14-15).
The time frame of the acquaintance stage depends on the maturity
of the individuals concerned and their emotional state. Mature and
emotional people will naturally move faster to the next phase, as they tend
to be decisive in taking actions, when they perceive they have found what
they are looking for.
Friendship
As the name suggests, this is the phase where you become a friend
to someone that you desire to get better acquainted with. A true friend
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will behave in a kind and pleasant way and exhibit a positive attitude.
Friendship can either be casual or close. However, one characteristic of
this phase is that, the relationship is based on common interests and
activities. Friends meet more frequently than acquaintances; therefore,
meetings at this stage are not as far apart as the preceding phase.
The parties are at liberty to talk freely and ask specific questions,
without being seen as prying or being forward. It is also normal to divulge
a little more information about oneself that will be appropriate to share.
These include telephone numbers, residential or business addresses,
information about family background, likes and dislikes, goals and
dreams, to mention but a few.
However, do not give too many details about yourself, family asset,
etc. Gifts and cards should be as simple as
Courtship does not
possible. Do not give copies of car keys, begin until you both are
house keys, account numbers, passwords, fully convinced and have
etc. There should be no room for agreed to get married to
pressurising the other person, to take the each other.
relationship beyond the level that they
deem comfortable. Treat each other like brother and sister. Be careful not
to do anything that you will regret, if the relationship does not progress
beyond this point.
At the casual friendship phase, there is more involvement than at
the acquaintance stage, but the attraction is towards common interests
than towards each other. This means you both focus on things and not on
each other, as romance is not permitted at this stage. The friendship is to
be nourished by the pleasure of shared interests, as you discover the
things you have in common that draw you closer to each other. Be
sensitive enough to know the focus of your date’s heart, and guard the
focus of your heart too. Keep your own heart focused on the Lord Jesus
Christ!
What are the Dos and Don’ts of this phase? They include, but are
not limited to, the following:
Dos:
• Take genuine interest in the other person.
• Find ways of being of help or source of inspiration to him/her.
• Endeavour to be real and open.
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• Involve other friends and family in your circle of friendship,

casually.
• Seek your parent’s input.
• Inquire about him/her from people who know and relate well
with him/her, and are trustworthy (beware of people with
malicious intentions).
• Study your friend prayerfully.
• Get involved in each other’s interests and hobbies with a view
to seeing him/her in his/her elements and catching the flow of
his/her passion.
• Watch from a distance. Look for proven godly character Many
people can put up a "good show’.
• Let things take their natural course.
Don’ts:
• Never "let go" of your heart exclusively at this stage.
• Never indulge in suggestive physical intimacy of any kind.
• Never spend too much time alone.
• Never talk in terms of "we" or mention marriage at this stage.
• Never ask for or feel obliged to meet financial needs (You are
not the ‘great provider’!).
• Never make promises you don’t intend to keep.
The period of friendship is not the time for emotional attachment;
rather, the time to spend building up inner strength. Give each other
space, so as to back out of the relationship at any time there is a need to
do so.
I encourage you not to keep your parents in the dark of the
happenings at this stage. Learn to listen to your parents, because they
have been down the dating road and see farther than you do.
You must continually seek the approval of God in taking steps. The
Bible clearly states:
Commit thy way unto the Lord: trust also in him; and he shall bring it to
pass.
Psalm 37:5
It is important to check your motive. Do you have genuine affection
for the person or are you out to prove a point, meet selfish needs, or on
an ego trip? Make sure you are not trying to get back at someone who
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jilted you, be seen to be "in" or "happening" or just wanting female/male

company that you can practise your fantasies with!
The time frame of this phase can range from a few days to months.
This, again, is a function the emotional and spiritual maturity of the parties
involved.
Close Friendship
Having pursued a casual friendship successfully for a while, and after

being convinced that you want to take things to a higher level, you can
begin to develop a close friendship relationship, though not intimate. At
this stage, the intention for marriage can be discussed as it will be clear to
you and to others that something exclusive is taking place between both
of you.
The following are the Dos and Don’ts of this phase.
Dos:
• Ensure that you are genuinely interested in pursuing a lasting
relationship with the person.
• Ensure you are at peace in your spirit, as the Holy Spirit bears
you witness (Romans 8:16).
• Ensure that the interest is mutual (not one-sided or enforced).
• Ensure that you are open about yourself as your expectations
from the relationship.
• Discuss your personal convictions about the future of the
relationship.
• Make sure you are not in a similar type of relationship with
another person at this stage.
• Show true care and concern for the well-being of that person.
Don’ts:
• Never neglect your other crucial relationships with your family,
colleagues, church members, etc.
• Never allow your other interests to suffer because of this
relationship e.g. studies, work, service in church, household
chores, etc.
• Never keep the relationship a secret.
• Never make assumptions or assume interests.
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• Never enter into a blood covenant or swear an oath with each

other.
• Never engage in any sexual activity or anything that can lead
to it (save that until after marriage).
The time frame of this phase before moving to the next one depends
on how sincere both of you are with each other, and your personal
persuasion of the future of the relationship as assured by the Lord.
The truth is: It is wisdom to "go steady" in a dating process. "Going
steady" in a dating process is when both parties become formally
committed to each other. Clearly, a successfully handled dating process
will bear great success in your future marriage.
Courtship
At the close friendship stage, one thing that must be established by

both parties is the conviction that they are both interested and ready to
pursue relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage. When this is
established, the courtship period can commence as courtship is essentially
proving if they are appropriate for each other.
The courtship stage is the period between when two people of the
opposite sex agree to get married and when they actually get married.
Courtship does not begin until you both are fully convinced and have
agreed to get married to each other. It is the foundation-laying period of
your marriage, and you must be careful about how you lay that
foundation, because the benefits of a solid foundation are innumerable.
Even in the physical, the foundation of a building is laid because it
ultimately determines the strength and longevity of the building. The Bible
says:
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and
counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it!
Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it,
all that behold it begin to mock him.
Luke 14:28-29
That is exactly how crucial your courtship period is. If handled well,
courtship provides an unshakable framework upon which to build a
marriage that will last. Courtship period is a time for preparation and
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planning for a good home. Remember, if you fail to plan, then you are
planning to fail.
There are no laid down rules for the length of your courtship. The
whole essence is for it to be reasonably long enough, to get to know each
other adequately before you say, "Yes! I do". This is because getting
married to a stranger can be disastrous. However, your relationship should
not remain at the courtship level forever.
Please note: If at any point in the above stages, you realise that the
relationship is Scripturally out of place, wisdom demands that you call it
quit. A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage.
Engagement or Traditional Wedding
Now, this phase of the process may be absent in some cultures, but
in most African cultures, it is very important and the requirements also
vary. Having obtained parental consent, the engagement ceremony
follows.
Engagement is a formal or public introduction of each other to
parents, relations and friends. In Ruth 4:1-12, Boaz publicly declared his
intentions to marry Ruth before his relatives and elders of Israel.
It also involves the payment of "bride price" to the bride’s family.
Genesis 24:1-67, categorically, describe the payment of "bride price" as an
integral part of marriage ceremonies. This explains why during counselling
sessions in Church for intending couples written approval from the parents
of both the bride and groom-to-be should be demanded.
The engagement or traditional wedding must necessarily precede
the holy wedlock in the Church. If "bride price" is not paid, it is contrary to
the Scripture. It is important to note however, that only things which are
‘precious’ and ‘glorifying’ to God should be given as "bride price".
The Bible says:
And the servant brought forth jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and
raiment, and gave them to Rebekah: he gave also to her brother and to her
mother precious things.
Genesis 24:53
Please understand: Engagement or traditional wedding does not
replace church wedding, but it is necessary in order to fulfil all
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righteousness (Matthew 3:15; Mark 12:16-17). It is a period when you

publicly give honour to your parents.
Registry formalities should also precede church wedding. This is
done in order to fulfil all righteousness, too, as the Bible enjoins us to be
subject to the laws of our land (Romans 13:1-7). The laws of our land
require that we register our marriages with the appropriate government
agency, in order to have it legalised.
You may be wondering, "Does this phase also have Dos and Don’ts?"
Yes! It does. Let’s briefly explore them.
Dos:
• Honour God in every step you take in the relationship
(Hebrews 13:4).
• Uphold your Christian testimony. Give only things that are in
line with your Christian beliefs.
• Refuse any form of compromise that might jeopardise the
presence of God in your marriage, constitute a sin and open
you up to the devices of the enemy.
• Uphold moral purity.
• Separate yourself from all works of darkness (Ephesians 5:11-
12).
Don’ts:
• Never move in with your partner to start living with each other,
until a representative of God, in the presence of family and
other witnesses, has blessed your union.
• Never defile the marriage bed through sexual activity or
anything that can lead to it (Hebrews 13:4).
Marriage
Since dating is part of the process of finding an appropriate person

that you would spend the rest of your life with in marriage, it is safe to say
that marriage is the last phase of the entire process. However, marriage is
a new beginning, not an end in itself.
The success of a marriage is dependent on the success of the various
stages prior to it. It should not be "stumbled" into unadvisedly! You must
enter marriage with the correct motive, which is that of being a help and
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a source of inspiration to your spouse: not just looking to terminate your

loneliness and misery.
You must be ready to place the interest and well-being of your
future spouse above your own. After all, God instituted marriage primarily
to create help for Adam in the pursuit of his assignment, a help that is
meet (suitable) for him (Genesis 2:18-22).
Endeavour to be a mature, good, and correct single, before you get
into marriage. So, seek to develop yourself. Spiritually, be God-fearing; be
involved in Kingdom service and be a doer of God’s Word. Mentally be
willing to learn more at every opportunity. If need be, go to school, take
advanced or professional courses.
Physically, keep fit; watch your appearance and what you eat.
As stated earlier, marriage can be likened to a marathon race and
not a brief 100 metres dash. Therefore, you need endurance, which you
begin to gather prior to marriage.
A successful Christian dating will earn you trust, honour and respect
from your spouse in future. If you gather the wisdom put forth here and
follow it, the result will be a good, controlled flame that won’t burn
anybody. I guarantee you!
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Set intentions instead of

having expectations; in the
process, you will find
your dating relationship
flowing accordingly. Note that
finding the right person
requires time effort and a
genuine intent in the other
person.
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Chapter 4 - But, How Do I

Know?
For who among men knows the thoughts of a man…
...because they are spiritually discerned.
1 Corinthians 2:11, 14 (NIV)
...but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit...
1 Corinthians 2:10 (NIV)
God wants the best for us in every area of our lives, including
relationships. You can have the future God planned for you, if you choose
to go after it. However, the question that many people in dating
relationship ask is: "How do I know whether I have made the right decision
or not?" Briefly, let’s examine few ways to tackle this issue:
• Do you feel peace in your heart?
This is the very first and foremost area to take cognisance of. Peace
is the acid test of a true and right relationship. Psalm 23:1-2 says:
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in
green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
God always leads beside still waters —peace! So, how peaceful do
you feel when you think about marrying that person you are presently
dating? If you do not feel peace in your heart about it, God is not in it —
it is that serious!
Peace in a relationship is important; it is equally important to set
peace of mind as your highest goal, in all spheres of life and organise your
life around it. I charge you, therefore, to be sincere with yourself about
whether or not you are dating or chasing someone. This is because you
are wonderfully and fearfully made and worthy of a relationship that you
do not have to chase after.
You deserve peace in your relationship, and be with someone who
shares your standards. Don’t make excuses for the other person because
you want to keep that relationship going at all cost; even when you not in
agreement. Even if you have to give an excuse to yourself about your
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partner, think sensibly about the direction you are heading for. This is very
crucial! (Philippians 4.6-7)
• Is your spiritual life enhanced or under attack?
To effectively answer this question, you must be able to clearly

differentiate between spirituality and religion, and how it affects your
relationship (2 Corinthians 6:14). Your spiritual life should include your
spiritual practices and the path they take you through, to get closer to
God. This will help you to experience spiritual growth and eventually reach
spiritual maturity. I strongly believe that the essence of a devout
relationship is to build deep spiritual connection.
Remember this:
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and
PEACE.
Romans 8:6
Unfortunately, many single persons are just anxious about finding
companions or playmates. This implies that you consider if the amount of
time, energy and emotion you spend on your relationship is actually worth
the input. Of course, such focus and attention would only be justifiable if
it is obviously enhancing your spiritual life, and not putting it under attack.
Seek to prioritise building a foundation of spiritual intimacy with your
partner, which can only be attained when there is a solid level of spiritual
compatibility, in order to uphold the kind of marriage you truly desire (l
Thessalonians 5:11).
• Have both of you discovered your purpose and are going

in the same direction?
It is good to assess your level and situation per time. You are the
principal factor in every relationship. That is why a good understanding of
yourself and your purpose will help you to succeed in that relationship.
But, then, have you figured it out yet or are you still searching? Discovering
your purpose is the road map to living your life.
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Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest
forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the
nations.
Jeremiah 1:5
If you don’t embrace this truth, you can spend your entire life
striving to conform and comparing yourself to others, which is very
dangerous.
Once you have discovered your purpose, you can start equipping
yourself for it, and then pursuing it. Most likely, you will meet your spouse
whilst you are out fulfilling your purpose. Your partner, too, will be there
fulfilling his/her purpose, which is similar to yours.
To discover your purpose, you need to go directly to God through a
prayer of enquiry (Habakkuk 2:1-3). Having settled this individually, it is
crucial for you and your partner to discuss and understand if you are
heading in the same direction or contrariwise. A purposeful relationship is
dependent on the belief that you are both sailing on the same boat and
thus, will arrive at the same destination. The earlier you sort this out, the
better for both of you, before it is too late. Not sorting this out on time is
the reason for so many failed marriages (Amos 3:3).
• Are you fighting and making up?
Fights have a habit of becoming a usual practice. Don’t be fooled by

the unscriptural belief which insinuates that "fighting" and "making up"
make the relationship stronger. If you are God intended sexual
fighting and making up repeatedly, it is not relations between
an indication that the two of you are husband and wife in the
getting along well. Although, generally, sanctity of marriage!
people like to be understood; they want
you to make an effort to understand why they do things the way they do
them, their various temperaments, backgrounds, etc. But, the process of
doing so shouldn’t lead to fighting (James 1:19).
God’s intention for marriage, which is the target of your relationship,
is not to be a battlefield of wills. The practice of fighting and making up
will definitely continue when you are married, if it keeps occurring in your
relationship and nothing positive is done about it. Besides, it is not in line
with any biblical marriage principle. Continuous fighting is synonymous
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with physical abuse. Therefore, run from any form of physical abuse before
you blame yourself thereafter.
• Do you feel sex-pressured?
As Christian singles, you are called to a higher standard of living

(Ephesians 4:1-16). Whether young or old, there should be no negotiation
in your flesh to remain pure and holy while dating. Refuse the urge to have
sex in order to match up/fit into discussions with your school mates,
colleagues at work, neighbours at home, etc. I resent using the word
friends because you shouldn’t have such people as friends, in the first
instance.
Only when sex is practised within the right can It be beautiful and
fulfilling. Outside that, it hurts and has very devastating consequences.
Don’t be fooled by the subtle and sometimes blatant depictions especially
by the media and moue industry, of illicit sexual activities as being
desirable and gratifying. Doubtless, there is a whole lot more they do not
show you — the emptiness, guilt and emotional turmoil that sexually
promiscuous people mask with drugs, fine clothes, alcohol, charming
personalities, etc.
The only one to listen to about our sexuality is the one Who thought
it wise to give it to us in the first place - God Almighty Himself. Any dating
relationship that keeps you sex-pressured requires serious consideration!
Premarital sex shouldn’t be a controversy in your dating relationship,
if your desire is to enjoy a Christian
marriage and honour God with your body Only when sex is
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20). God intended practised within the
sexual relations between husband and wife right can It be beautiful
and fulfilling.
in the sanctity of marriage!
The good news is that help is made available to you through the
ministry of the Holy Spirit and victory of Jesus, Who has overcome the
world! If your goal, therefore, is to base your relationship on godly
principles, then don’t feel pressured to engage in the act of sex,
prematurely. Why? This is because, among other things, it robs you of the
blessedness and honour of marriage (Hebrews 13:4).
• Are you honouring God in/with your relationship?

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This is dependent on if you have given your life to Christ, whereby

God becomes your Father. There is no way you can walk with God without
being in agreement with Him on every other issue of life. Redemption is
key to honouring God every step of the way. The truth is: It is very
impossible to honour God in/with your relationship without a focus on the
first commandment (Thou shalt hate no other gods before me - Exodus
20:3). Have you made a god of your partner in that relationship? It is
pertinent to make Jesus Christ and His love for the Church your ultimate
focus (Ephesians 5:31-33, Revelation 21:1-6).
Before you even leave home to meet your date, learn to spend time
on your knees, asking God to help you honour Him and your date. You
can never go wrong with prayer. This will also put you in the proper
mindset for your time together.
Unfortunately, so many singles date for identity, sex compatibility,
money, fame, etc. Thus, by a relationship of discovery, I mean you should
aim at discovering who the other person is and, especially, with regard to
his/her heartbeat for God. The clearer you recognise how your activities
fit into salvation, the better chance you have of making wise decisions in
your relationship.
You should honour God in your relationship, honour your body and
honour the one you are dating.
• Is it really love?
Primarily, it is the love of God that makes it possible for you to relate
successfully with all categories of people.
That love is made possible by the help of the Holy Spirit.

And hope maketh not ashamed; because the Jove of God is shed abroad
in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Romans 5:5-6
However, the Bible defines real love as being patient, kind, never
envious or boastful (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Therefore, in your relationship, it is fundamental to ask yourselves
questions like: Is this relationship characterised by humility? Are we rude
to each other? Do we seek the good and progress of each other? Are we
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kind to each other? Are we self-seeking? Do we get angry easily with each
other? Do we keep record of wrongs? Are we truthful with each other? Do
we protect each other? Do we trust each other?
Your answers to these questions will determine if you are on track
with God’s perfect purpose for your marital destiny. If otherwise, you need
to discuss with your partner and your counsellor on the way forward.
Remember: A real relationship is one where you love that person
enough to be honest. That is, being honest about who you are, what you
plan to do and be, how you feel about them, and what they do and say.
• Do you ever secretly wish there is a better alternative?
Occasionally, your partner may exhibit some attitudes; that may

have made you secretly wish for a better alternative. I believe this must
have been as a result of being overwhelmed, depressed and unable to
chart the way forward. Well, it’s not too much to think in this direction.
However, you must note that man, in his natural state, is incomplete
in so many ways, and evidently needs help (Genesis 2:18; John 8:32).
Perhaps, that’s the reason your paths crossed; to help each other
overcome your shortcomings. So, be patient! However, this is not to say
you should continue in an abusive relationship; be wise to come out of
such as quick as possible. Also, you may like to talk to him/her on the
subject matter, and thereafter, speak with a Christian marriage counsellor
to guide you on the right step to take.
• Have you set boundaries for yourselves well in advance?
Clearly, what makes Christian dating different from the world’s is in

who, what, when and how you date. These are all about setting limits,
which are obligatory, if your aim is to maintain a healthy balance in your
relationship. Your limits, therefore, must answer the following questions:
o Where: This refers to places and locations, where you and
your partner must be or never be found.
o What: This refers to your determination, as an individual,
towards things you should or should never do with your
partner, even before you begin the relationship.
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o When: This talks about timing. Settle in your heart what

periods of the day are off limits for you to be accompanied
with a date under any circumstance, with or without
supervision.
o How: This refers to a strategic style of approach you may want
to approve of with your date.
Setting these margins in advance is highly significant, because
where there are no principles, anything is free to happen. Also, with these
limits in place, no one will be able to order you and dictate your conducts
while dating, let alone compel you against your wish in your relationship,
because you are already in control.
This further drives us to examine some logical guiding principles to
an effective dating relationship. They are, but not limited to, the following:
First, you need to guard your heart
The Scripture warns you to be careful about giving your affections,

because your heart influences everything in your life.
Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.
Proverbs 4:23
In the contemporary life, the word "heart" is primarily used to speak
of emotions, but biblically, the heart is who you are inside; which consists
of your emotions, intellect, desires, and wills. Those words you speak
(Matthew 12:34) and the choices you make, flow out of your heart
(Proverbs 23:7). Therefore, guarding your hearts in this context implies
paying careful attention to your thoughts, emotions, desires and choices.
Do not allow peer pressure to force you into dating situations that are not
appropriate.
Learn to put God first in your life
It is no doubt that the demands and distractions of life clamour for

our attentions and devotions. But, be careful not to let them become more
important or more of a priority than your relationship with God. Note that
you do not judge by outward appearances, but prayerfully seek a Word-
filled, competent, faithful and successfully married Christian, to confide in,
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on any issue in your relationship. Your primary purpose in life is to seek

and serve God, and fulfil your destiny in Him.
That ye would walk worthy of God, who hath called you unto his kingdom
and glory.
1 Thessalonians 2:12
This is equally true in the area of relationships.

In adequate preparation for a Christian marriage, you need to find
out God’s plans for relationships, and then follow it to the letter. You get
to know these by constantly meditating on the Word, fellowshipping in a
Bible-believing Church where you feel comfortable, studying God’s
wisdom for marriage through anointed materials, etc., for God’s blessings,
directives, leading and guidance. In whatever you do, learn to put Him
first.
Perfectly understand what you need
This is an integral part of a relationship you cannot compromise!

You need to first of all come to terms with what your personal aspirations
and needs are in life (definition of your core values, most especially),
before trying to figure out if the needs of your spouse-to-be line up with
yours.
Having done that, it is also wisdom to effectively communicate your
needs to your partner, from the onset of your relationship and get to know
his/hers. Otherwise, there is a 100% possibility of falling prey to negative
needs, which may end up denting God’s divine purpose for your life.
Thereafter, decide whether the two of you can meet these needs for each
other. If not, my advice? Dissolve the relationship as soon as possible!
Know yourself
Psychologists say the key to getting off the dating merry-go-round

often requires nothing more than taking time to get to know yourself
before you try to get to know someone else. This is also true Scripturally.
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Examine yourselves, whether ye be in the faith; prove your own selves.

Know ye not your own selves, how that Jesus Christ is in you, except ye be
reprobates?
2 Corinthians 13:5
In order to become a good partner to another person, it is crucial to
take time to examine yourself first and make necessary changes, before
going into a relationship. It is pertinent to take this point serious, because
you cannot be happy in any relationship without first being happy with
yourself.
Accept warning signals that you may feel while dating
Practically, it takes time and effort to maintain all intimate

connection in relationships. Yet, good relationships run smoothly and
enable you to enjoy other aspects of life beyond the relationship. You are
not always talking or worrying about it. A relationship with the wrong
individual could lead to years of heartache, emotional and even physical
damage. Insensitivity and prayerlessness is often the reason behind this
(Luke 21:36; Colossians 4:2). Some of these warning signals include
abusive behaviour, challenging your ideas and actions, etc.
However, the fact that things do not go well between you, does not
mean that such an individual would not be suitable for someone else, and
vice versa. So, it is wisdom to respect yourself enough to pull out and free
the other person, if it does not work out. Both of you merit a happy life!
Don’t entertain the fear of being single all your life
Fear, in this context, would make you depressed and handicapped

from living your life to its fullest, and being attractive to your potential
partner. Undoubtedly, wrong expectation is a huge factor contributing to
this kind of fear. Please note that fear has torment.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear
hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
The torment can lure you into making irrational decisions, which
may end up in disaster. That shall not be your portion. Rather, fill your life
with God’s promises as contained in His Word, communicate your worries
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in that relationship to God, and trust Him enough to take care of same in
your best interest (Jeremiah 29:11).
Seek a good and reputable Christian counsellor
This is a good start in every dating relationship. Of course, nothing

can ever replace the confidence of relying on God’s wisdom through His
ambassadors. The Psalmist wrote, Your statutes are my delight; they are my
counsellors... (Psalm 119:24 NIV). Also, I have more insight than all my
teachers, for I meditate on your statutes (Psalm 119:99 NIV). These are
proofs that wise counsel comes first from God.
Among many other things, a reputable Christian counsellor assists
you in making right decisions. However, do not judge by outward
appearances, but prayerfully seek a Word-filled, competent, faithful and
successfully married Christian, to confide in, on any bugging issue in your
relationship. Don’t just confide in them, but follow their advice for your
desired expectation.
If you truthfully follow the principles outlined above, you will surely
end up with a beautiful relationship, and you will have no regrets!
Having gone through this material, it is advisable to stop and ponder
on every point raised, for your proper repositioning. A well-considered
strategy is as crucial to success as showing remorse, sincerity and humility.
Therefore, if you have already gone too far, there is room for you to stop
and reconsider your ways. You can do that by acquainting yourself with
the following information below:
God is Forgiving
Most people find it difficult to accept God’s unconditional love

because, in the world, there’s always payment for everything we receive.
But God is not like man! 1 John 1:9 tells us that God is faithful and just to
forgive our sins, if we confess them. So, you should be glad about that
truth! You can start afresh with God any time you choose to; however, do
not wait until it is too late.
However, God’s Word says: ...Shall we continue in sin, that grace
may abound? (Romans 6:1). Don’t think that because God is forgiving,
you can always go into sin and come back crawling for forgiveness. Be
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careful not to take the grace of God for granted in your life and
relationship.
God is Holy
God’s Word emphasises that premarital sex is a sin, and He knows

what is best. One big mistake some singles make is that they confuse or
equate sex with love. Don’t be deceived; selfish desire can make anyone
want to have sex with you in the name of love. A typical example is that of
Amnon that lusted after his half-sister, Tamar (2 Samuel 13:1-17). At the
end, the Bible says he hated her more than the love he thought he had for
her.
Therefore, before you start dating anyone, understand that
premarital sex is not healthy for you; it will cost you a lot of heartaches in
the long run. If you have involved yourself in the act, it is better late than
never. Therefore, put a stop to it NOW, before it devastates your destiny.
God is Caring
You may be wondering if God really cares about your relationship.

Oh yes, He does! God’s care for us covers all that concerns us (1 Peter 5:7).
We have a forever friend in God, Who is always affected by the intensity
of our situations (Hebrews 4:15), even in that relationship. Yet, to find the
comfort He offers, we must first acknowledge, invite and trust Him for the
best in that situation (Jeremiah 33:3; Matthew 7:8; Proverbs 3:5-6).
For instance, you just met a good-looking man, and you’ve been out
on few dates. Obviously, you find yourself getting too friendly with him.
You can TALK to God in that seemingly
confused state, with all sincerity. I Do not judge by
outward appearances,
purposely used the word talk rather than
but prayerfully seek a
pray! Let Him know how hurt you were with Word-filled, competent,
past relationships and you will like to avoid faithful and successfully
those pitfalls in the present one. Therefore, married Christian, to
you need His guidance, if this new confide in, on any
relationship is His perfect will for you. bugging issue in your
Once you have talked to God, trust relationship.
Him to do what you have asked, and be
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sensitive to your request. After all, God knows that going too far before
marriage will break up homes much later, as most men do not want to
marry a lady who has been too intimate with someone else.
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Trading godly principles in

your dating relationship
reveals hidden
dispositions,
temperaments and
characters of your partner,
which enable you to
decide wisely. Sensitivity
to godly principles is key
to a healthy dating
relationship.
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Chapter 5 - Don’t Just Talk,

Communicate!
How forcible are right words...
Job 6:25
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge...
Proverbs 15:2 (ESV)
Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two
emotional human beings. Next to love, the most important ingredients in
a relationship are openness, honesty and communication. Clearly, the
desired outcome or goal of any communication process is perfect
understanding. That’s why it is key to any healthy relationship, whether
during dating or in marriage.
For a better understanding of this chapter, let’s try to define some
key words here:
Talk: This is defined as “to give expression to in words to speak of
or discuss, to say words in order to express your thoughts, feelings,
opinions, etc.”
Communicate: The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines it as
the "act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviours to express
or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc.
to someone else"
Literally, communication the act of transferring information from
one place to another. Among many other things, communication helps
you to better understand a person or situation and enables you to resolve
differences, build trust and respect, and create environment where
creative ideas, affection and can flourish.
Notably, there is a major link between talking and communicating.
One major myth communication in relationships is that since you talk to
your friend, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your
friend is indeed a form of communication, It is not enough to
communicate, but to do it effectively. It is obvious that effective
communication is important for married couples, but it is vital to keep
talking and exchanging views, when you’re dating.
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Effective Communication: This can be referred to as ways through

which communication skills can be improved. It is also the art of
introducing wisdom in style of communication.
Undoubtedly, effective communication is the cornerstone of happy
relationships; without it, relationships are bound to end up in disaster.
Therefore, if communication is to achieve the desired result of being well
understood, some strategies must be seriously considered and practised.
Strategic Keys To Effective Communication
• Listening:
As a single, it is highly necessary for you to know that

communication is vital in creating and maintaining a great relationship.
Though some people consider speaking as the most important aspect of
communication, good listening skills are equally significant to effective
communication.
Listening is not just about hearing; it also involves paying attention
to your partner. The following tips will aid effective listening:
o Avoid distractions: Discipline yourself to know when to be serious

and when to crack jokes. For example, you may find it helpful to
switch off your cell phone when listening to your friend. To avoid
distraction, focus your attention on the speaker. Learn to listen with
keen interest, so that you can follow up on previous discussions,
when next you meet.
o Don’t interrupt: Effective listening is nearly impossible with
constant interruptions. This is done often by people who get so
caught up in their own ideas in hopes of gaining control. It is,
therefore, important to allow your partner ‘s entire message to be
conveyed, before you give your input. After all, you’ll have your
chance to speak.
o Avoid misinterpretation, rather, ask questions: Trying to
interpret, or actually interpreting, what your partner is saying,
eventually introduces possible errors in communication. Rather,
seek to ask for clarification on important issues to you. As easy as it
may seem to interpret everyday matters, it’s, however, superlative to
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make sure you get the correct interpretations on more important

matters than making assumptions.
o Respond appropriately: Responding is an integral part of active
listening. Your choice of words while responding and non-verbal
behaviour, will convey whether you understand and are interested
in what your friend is saying or not!
o Be ready to learn: Insisting on your point of view is a serious barrier
to effective listening. Readiness to learn will definitely improve your
listening appetite.
• Talking:
There is no better way to know someone than by talking to them

about a wide variety of topics. The more you talk, the more you will be
able to know if it is a relationship that you should pursue or not. However,
the primary goal of talking is to pass a message to another person for
accurate understanding, as intended. It is not just to talk but to talk
effectively. That is the whole essence of effective communication. Please,
note that there’s no prize for speaking for as long as you can; therefore, it
is important to strike the key points.
The following tips would help sharpen your talking skills:
o Say exactly what you mean: To get this done properly, avoid
unnecessary words. Say and mean one thing at a time. It is also
crucial to relax and put your words properly together; you may
decide to write out in points what you would like to say to
avoid mistakes. You may also want to cross-check what you
plan to say, to ensure your choice of words can get you the
desired results.
o Respond, don’t react: Reaction takes effect only when you
let emotions take over. The impression you give when you
react is that something is not just right. Responding, on the
other hand, involves taking action to address whatever is
necessary, let go of others and move on. Acknowledge and
appreciate comments about you, whether positive or negative,
and act on them as deemed fit.
o Maintain positive body language: Effective talking is not
only about what you say, but also about how you say it. It
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implies that you make and maintain eye contact, keep a

neutral body stance and watch the tone of your voice when
you’re talking to your partner. Be cheerful and learn to smile
from the heart. Be yourself and do not look down on anyone,
irrespective of their social status. In addition, it ensures that
you are able to read and use signals to convey your messages
properly, without getting misconstrued. This usually takes
time and patience to achieve.
• Openness/Honesty:
If you can’t be open and honest with the person you are in a
relationship with, then is that person worth dating? But, before you can be
open to anyone else, you have to first be open to yourself. Nothing can
be as bonding in a relationship as being honest. Lies, on the other hand,
break relationships, which leads to heartaches and pains. But openness
helps build sound relationships.
Please note that relationships are very important part of people’s
lives; so, ensure you don’t hurt the other person by your bad behaviour.
The following are ways to enhance openness/honesty in relationships:
o Address your feelings as soon as possible: To address your
feelings in a way that your date will truly understand, state your
feelings without blaming or attacking him/her. Ask for clarification
on what you don’t seem to understand; be specific when discussing
what needs to be changed or be avoided, to eliminate the possibility
of hurting your feelings again. Lastly, confirm that you understand
one another and there are no more issues to be discussed.
o Avoid lying, be truthful in all circumstances: Do you ever wonder
if you should avoid telling the truth, to avoid hurting your date’s
feelings? Remember that honesty gives rise to trust, which is
essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. It also establishes
consistency, allowing the other person to rely on what you say.
Never give your date the reason to doubt you. A half-truth is as
good as a lie. Instead, seek to divulge the truth always.
o Be free to communicate your concerns: You be wondering how to
communicate your concerns and worries, while respecting your
date’s feelings and points of view. To communicate effectively take
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a loving, caring, and non-judgemental position. You may not get an

immediate positive response, but stick to your observations and why
you are concerned. While doing this, be careful not to judge, but
state your expectations, if you have any.
o Be ready to learn: In a healthy relationship, you must be ready to
learn, because no one is an island of knowledge. There are certainly
some things you innocently do, but are not meant to be. Until
someone close to you points them out, you may not be aware of
such. In such cases, try not biased or defensive; instead, receive
observations and corrections with an open-heart and strong desire
for a change.
Benefits of Effective Communication
Effective communication is highly essential and helps to improve

morale, communication skills and promotes healthy relationships. In any
form of relationship, good communication skills are real assets. If you have
suffered breakdowns or are having challenges in relationships, the few
keys to effective communication explained above will serve as extremely
useful resources.
Briefly, let’s look at two major benefits of effective communication:
o Transparency:
One of the golden benefits of effective communication is that it

engenders transparency. Effective communication amazingly brings you
to a level of trust with your friend; you know what to expect from him/her
per time, you are sure of when and where he/she can be found, you have
a good understanding of your relationship status, etc. These and lots more
are what effective communication helps you to achieve.
When you treat your date with honesty and respect, they come back
to you as manifold virtues. Your relationship won’t suffer deceit under any
circumstance. Effective communication is the best way to create that
respect.
o Familiarity:
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Familiarity at this level of relationship (courtship stage) cannot be

compared with intimacy in marriage. As much as this is another significant
benefit of effective communication, it does not mean that you should hop
into bed with your date, or cuddle and caress each other. It, simply, implies
that to some extent, you know what to expect of him/her, wherever and
whenever, and it also gives you the privilege of vouching for as the case
may be.
It also signifies level of interactions that builds positive memory
bank of shared experiences. At this stage, it’s not just the activity that
matters, but knowing whether both of you are able to flow.
Obviously, the status of your relationship has a lot to do with the
things you talk about. While conversations come naturally as two people
start dating, there are things you should not talk about when you’re in the
beginning stages.
On what you should talk about, here are a few hints:
• Your Person: It is very important to let your date know who you are,
from the onset of the relationship. Getting to know this much later
is the reason for many failed relationships today. You hear things
such as, "I never knew you are this kind of person!" "How can you
be like this? "So this is you!" etc. This discussion includes your daily
events and activities, religion, beliefs, habits, hobbies, interests,
dislikes, education, how and where you like to spend your vacations,
etc., to avoid any misconception in future.
• Family Background: Being familiar with a person’s upbringing and
family life is fundamental to understanding his/her present
approach towards life. In the context of relationships (especially
when contemplating a future with him/her), it helps to discuss and
ask few questions such as how well your friend gets along with
his/her family members, why he/she takes exception to or become
more intimate with some of them (if noticed), and how well he/she
handles family gatherings, etc.
• Past Relationships: This is a touchy one! They are, without doubt,
suspense mysteries in the dating scenario. Some may really want to
talk about it, yet, become too scared, contemplating the right
timing. Despite the fact that talking about past relationships may
lead to pains, guilt, regrets, etc., hiding facts about same can create
insecurities and confusions (blackmails in some cases), that could
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damage your relationship faster than building a strong foundation.

It is, therefore, very crucial to discuss it; however, at the right time.
You must know the right time to talk about your past relationships
during your dates; constantly seek guidance from God on this.
• Finances: With time, this would be more significant if the
relationship finally gets close to marriage. However, money matters
play a big part in any long-term relationship. It is crucial to both
discuss how money is being spent (individually), ways by which you
save and invest your money, your financial responsibilities (even as
singles) etc. This would go a long way in helping you both to plan
your finances and also determine how restful you would be
financially (when married), being already familiar with each other’s
financial strength. This is how financial satisfaction can be best
achieved.
• Future Expectations: This point is one of the major satisfying
conversations in relationships, and of course may lead to a final
conclusion of together, forever, as it involves future plans and goals
in life. It is, therefore, paramount to talk about dreams and
aspirations and make sure you know your friend’s wants and dreams
in life too. It takes a few conversations and exchange of ideas to truly
achieve this, instead of making wrong assumptions.
It is crucial to discuss family matters and how either of you can deal
with them. Areas of deliberation could range from the number of children
you would like to have and the intervals, your future plans for their lives
and where you like to settle down as a family, among others.
Conversations like these are better earlier than later, to avoid the pain of
being stuck in a relationship with two different goals and ideologies.
All of the above and lots more are issues to be discussed at different
levels of the dating relationship, as elucidated in the preceding chapter. In
all of these, discuss issues, not people; make sure you do not gossip or
backbite!
However, since dating relationship encompasses different stages that
wouldn’t give room to physical privacy, it then leads us to the question:
Where should these discussions be?
There are no other places to discuss other than a public environment
like eateries, relaxation centres such as beaches, parks, etc.
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Be sure not to hang out on a daily basis or too frequently with your
date, as this can move your friendship to areas you should avoid.
Effective communication, nevertheless, begins with God. He is the
ultimate Builder of all things.
For every house is builded by some man; but he that built all things is God.
Hebrews 3:4
Therefore, if your relationship must thrive, God must be at the centre
of it. This implies that you must ensure the communication lines between
you and God is open at all times.
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While dating, be committed

to honest and respectful
communication; treat your
partner the same way
you will love to be
treated. Effective
communication
enhances a healthy relationship.
Page | 57
Chapter 6 - Consider These

Things…
...whatsoever things are of good report; ...think on these things.
Philippians 4:8
When it comes to dating, many Christian singles are in a battle every
day. The greatest danger in dating, I believe, is giving your heart and,
ultimately, life to someone to whom you’re not married. It is a significant
risk! Unfortunately, many young individuals have fallen victims, because
they "enjoyed" emotional or physical closeness, without lasting or durable
commitment. Cheap intimacy might appear real for the moment, but you
will surely get what you pay for. Remember: Cause and effect never fail!
Therefore, it is wisdom to consider everything about your date. The
areas to focus on are — age, family, background, religion, family
relationships, appearance, reputation, race, how well you know him/her,
common interests, goals in life, moral interest, etc. Make sure that your
dating revolves around God’s purpose for your life, since both of you need
the clearly defined life-goal of serving the Lord, together Without that
goal, there will be no lasting basis for your dating.
Please understand: While the great prize in marriage is Christ-
centred intimacy, the great prize in dating is Christ-centred clarity.
Intimacy is safest in the context of marriage, and dating is safest in the
context of clarity. The true purpose of dating is determining whether the
two of you should get married; so, you should focus your effort there.
In pursuit of clarity, you will undoubtedly develop intimacy, but you
ought not to do so too quickly or naively. Consciously inform one another
that, as Christians, intimacy before marriage is unsafe, while transparency
is unbelievably precious.
The truth is: Habits, attitudes and thought patterns that characterise
a person’s dating relationship will be carried over into marriage ultimately.
Therefore, cultivating good habits and attitudes will help to secure the
future of your relationships. Some of the good habits and attitudes will be
considered here.
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• The Virtue of Chastity
Chastity is the condition or quality of being pure or chaste. It is the

practice of refraining from satisfying your sexual appetite. Simply put,
chastity is the state of not having sexual relationships with anyone before
marriage, or having it with only your spouse when married.
However, as a Christian, chastity is not only limited to your actions,
but also includes your thoughts and words. Therefore, a chaste person is
one that maintains purity of thoughts, words and deeds.
In dating relationships, people sometimes indulge in light or heavy
petting, kissing and hugging that arouse them sexually. They claim they
have not indulged in the physical act of sex, and as such, they have not
done anything wrong. Though technically, they may not have had sex,
however, they have lost their sexual purity and are no longer chaste. This
is because chastity goes beyond not having sex, but also includes
refraining from indulging in sexually stimulating practices such as
masturbation, pornography, homosexuality, etc.
Chastity, as well as commitment, is a question of character and if a
relationship will be meaningful, both must be present. Therefore,
maintaining chastity in the dating relationship must be the goal of both
of you; as possessing a virtuous character will bring about respect and
honour in your relationship.
The Bible says:
A gracious woman retaineth honour: and strong [men] retain riches.
Proverbs 11:16
Dating, as earlier mentioned, is meant to help you know the person
you want to marry better. However, in the course of relating with each
other, it is normal that bonding begins to take place and this intensifies
with time. Strong feelings of attraction arise, and the need to
communicate these feelings is what results in touching and other physical
expressions of affection like kissing.
However, physical stimuli are not the appropriate way to express
your feelings. There are other ways this can be done. For instance, you
need to learn how to express your feelings for each other with just words.
This can be achieved by talking about your future, how you intend to build
a family and have children together. You also discuss your belief in delayed
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gratification and commitment to maintaining sexual purity, before even in

marriage.
Thereafter, discuss freely how you both intend to avoid the trap of
premarital sex, and set your boundaries. Be determined to protect each
other’s sexual chastity, by avoiding anything that will arouse you when
together. You may also need to talk about being accountable to someone
whom you both respect. The thought that you do not want to confess to
your mentor that you have indulged in premarital sex, helps you to
maintain your set boundaries. This demands that you be open and frank
with each other.
Our emotions are God-given and they will always be there.
Therefore, do not pretend as if they do not
The greatest danger in
exist. Talk about your feelings and about dating, I believe, is
how you enjoy each other’s company. giving your heart and,
However, it is your responsibility to control ultimately, life to
your emotions. This demands that you take someone to whom
a decision not to let your feelings dictate you’re not married.
your sexual behaviour. Also, you should be
able to decipher if your feelings for each other are mutual or not.
Do not pretend you do not have feelings; rather, express your desire
to defer them until you are married. Indulging your emotions may be
something you enjoy now, but they will eventually destroy the
relationship. This is because other things like guilt, condemnation and
frustration from unsatisfied sexual feelings will creep into your
relationship. In the end, you would have deprived yourself of knowing
each other better and building a relationship of commitment. Therefore,
for you to date successfully, the virtue of chastity is a must; it will help you
to maintain the honour in your relationship.
Chastity requires a lot of hard work and this is why most people find
it difficult to maintain; but it is well worth the price, as this virtue of chastity
will help you to lay a solid foundation for a successful marriage. However,
the absence of it can rob you of a sense of fulfilment in your future.
It is the Word of God that empowers you to make a firm decision for
chastity and maintain it.
Consequently, some practical steps must be taken to enforce this
virtue. What this means is that rather than spend time exploring your
physical bodies, spend the time talking about things that will build you
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and the relationship. Always remember that the virtue of chastity is

essential to enable you both lay a solid foundation for a successful
marriage.
• Be Sensible
God has given you sense in order to exercise sound judgement. It is

important to be sensible enough to critically consider common
backgrounds, values and interests. To have a successful union, both of you
must blend two different backgrounds, goals, emotional structures,
beliefs, life experiences, to mention but a few.
You must be real, practical and sensible enough to find someone
who shares many of these factors already. To do these, considering the
following will be very helpful:
• Start on the right foot: At the beginning of your dating

relationship, come up with scriptural, physical and emotional
boundaries. Put thought and prayer into it. Learn to screen
your date.
• Observe your prospective date in many situations: When
hungry, angry, tired, tempted with wrong, etc., is he/she lazy
or motivated? How does he/ she handle money? How does
he/she relate to parents, siblings and friends?
• Type of dates is important: Select interactive outings that will
give you a better reading on the competitive sprint, teamwork,
willingness to help others, capacity to accomplish goals,
perseverance, etc., of whoever you are dating.
• Carefully study his/her family, educational and moral value.
Definitely, your lives will blend more easily if there are
similarities. Was he/she an only child or raised in a large
family? Does he/she like children? Are your energy levels
similar or will one always want to sit, while the other wants to
run? Would you want him/her to look and act like her
dad/mum does? Really, heredity and environment make their
greatest effects more apparent as people age.
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• What about his/her ethnic root? The more racially similar you
are, the easier your personalities blend. This has the potential
of affecting even your children in future.
The bottom line is: constantly do a "reality check’!
• Vigilance
Vigilance is the process of paying attention. It is also watchfulness,

alertness or readiness for danger. Vigilance is, essentially, to help you
secure your future as many youths have been careless in their dating
experiences. As a result of this, they become victims of failed relationships
because of their laxity and ignorance. Prioritise your needs!
In the dating process, you must be vigilant and think wisely! For
instance, set a time frame with your friend in advance for each date and
let family or friends know your whereabouts. They should be aware, for
instance of when you are expected back home from a date.
As a lady, it is advised that you make
It is the Word of God
an input into deciding the venue of the
that empowers you to
appointment, to ensure you choose the make a firm decision for
venues of your dates. Make sure the chastity and maintain it.
environment is a familiar one, and ensure
that you can locate your way out of the place by yourself, if need be. If it
is a place that you are not familiar with, look around and take a mental
note of how to leave the building, if necessary. Also, try not to sit with your
back to the door. If you feel uncomfortable about the venue in any way,
let your friend know it and politely insist that you leave the place. Find out
how best to transport yourself out of the meeting place if the need arises,
especially if your friend is responsible for transporting you there.
As much as possible, avoid staying out until very late in the night.
Avoid being in dark places alone with your date. Remember that evil
thrives most in darkness. As a child of God, you should "walk in the light"
literally! It is best to go to neutral places like restaurants, parks, shopping
areas and concerts, to mention but a few, for the first few dates. Avoid
visiting alone in a date’s room or apartment.
Beware of being by yourselves in compromising, sensuous settings
and circumstances on your dates, e.g., dimming the light in the rooms,
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watching television and movies alone for hours (and sharing a two-seater
sofa in the process). No matter how spiritual you are, never forget that you
are still human, with flesh and blood.
You should limit physical contact to the barest minimum, so as not
to send wrong signals to each other and complicate issues.
Remember that once you dabble into physical contact, romantic
feeling is introduced prematurely. This not only changes the course and
nature of the relationship, but also beclouds your sense of judgement, and
it is difficult to be rational when your emotions are whipped up.
Thank God for technology! If you have access to a mobile phone,
get it fully charged so as to contact family and friends if required. Also
arrange for a friend or relation to call you intermittently. Never give the
impression that you are ‘alone’ with your friend.
Watch out for signs of abuse of any kind; for instance, physical
abuse, which is the use of strength or size to hurt or control someone.
Also, be vigilant to recognise signs of verbal abuse, which is the use of
words or voice to hurt or control someone.
Another kind of abuse to watch out for is emotional abuse. This is
the use of any action or inaction to control or degrade. Sexual abuse is not
to be ignored either; sexual behaviour, verbal or physical, engaged in
without consent and which may hurt emotionally, physically or
psychologically.
If you notice any of these, be quick to get out of the situation as well
as the relationship, and see to it that confide in someone about the matter,
in order to get help. Abuse only gets worse with time, especially, as the
relationship becomes more serious. Do not be trapped!
Make sure your parents, guardians or
friends know whom you are going out It is wisdom to cry out
with. Remember, evil thrives on secrecy. for help, when your
Don’t carry on in a dating relationship that relationship is not going
only you know about. Constantly review as it should.
the relationship as you go on, and be sure
it is progressing the way it should. In other words, use both your "head"
and "heart". Be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit and spend time
in studying and meditating on the Word. Act on the Word! Align yourself
to the Word of prophecies, both written and declared. This will definitely
help you to be extra vigilant.
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The dangers of not being vigilant include making poor choice of a

life partner. It is advised that you endeavour to find a way of
authenticating whatever your date tells you. This, you can do, by probing
further on issues that relate to their spiritual experiences, friends in school
or church, without making them feel that you are subjecting them to
unnecessary interrogation. Watch out for any inconsistency in character
and speech. Listen with keen interest and learn not to forget facts.
Do not encourage borrowing or lending either. Materialism will
affect your judgement about people, therefore, avoid being materialistic.
Do not use money or material things to entice a man or woman; it is an
indication of desperation and lack of self-worth. Always remember that
you can never buy true love!
Ensure the person you are dating is honest and truthful. For instance,
some people join service groups in Church just to be noticed and get a
date. Therefore, be careful who you date! Having studied yourself, you
should know by now the type of person you think would best fit into your
life and vice versa. Match this against all the people you have interacted
with and make a decision. It is your responsibility to make the right choice
of a date!
• Godly Counsel
This is the process of bringing out change in an individual for the

better. A major component of giving godly counsel deals with the thinking
patterns of the mind that subsequently leads to changes in behaviour,
when the counsel is applied.
Godly counsel can come from parents, pastors and any other person
God brings your way as advisers, mentors and role models. Honour your
parents and respectfully consider their advice about who to date, as long
as their advice does not contradict the Word of God. If it does, respectfully
talk about it with them or get someone whom they will respect to talk with
them, while remaining subject to their authority (Ephesians 6:2). Be sure
that whoever you are dating equally has a lot of regard for and is subject
to his/her parent’s or guardian’s authority.
Godly counsel will go a long way to help secure the success of your
dating experience. It is needed for guidance and direction, if you are to
avoid common mistakes youths usually make in the dating process.
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The Bible clearly states:

Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of
counsellors they are established.
Proverbs 15:22
It is wisdom to cry out for help, when your relationship is not going
as it should. This is not a sign of weakness. The Bible, in the book of
Proverbs, assures us that there is preservation in obtaining guidance from
godly counsel.
Where no counsel [is], the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors
[there is] safety.
Proverbs 11:14
It is pride that keeps many people from seeking and accepting godly
counsel.
Another aspect of godly counsel is being accountable. This means,
it is wise to submit your relationship to spiritual authority like that of your
pastor, for guidance and prayers.
For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of
counsellors [there is] safety.
Proverbs 24:6
The fact that you will always need to report back on the progress of
your relationship will ensure you maintain appropriate conduct.
Remember: The seed for success in tomorrow’s marriage is planted in
today’s dating!
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When dating, willingly

acknowledge what is
needful and adjust yourself
to obtain excellent things as
governed by God’s Word.
Do not follow the
maddening crowd!
Godly counsel pays!
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Chapter 7 - Traps To Avoid

Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard...
Song of Solomon 2:15 (NLT)
The word "trap" is defined by the Merriam Webster Dictionary as
something by which one is caught or stopped unawares. It can also be
said to be a confining or undesirable circumstance, from which escape or
relief is difficult.
There are, definitely, some apparent traps to avoid during dating.
Let’s briefly examine some of them.
Indiscipline
One of the traps you must avoid is indiscipline. Discipline, according

to the Online Dictionary, means behaviour in accordance with rules of
conduct; behaviour and order maintained by training and control. It also
means the exertion of willpower over desires and is usually understood to
be synonymous with self-control.
Both definitions point to the fact that discipline involves self-control
or self-motivation. That is, one uses reason to determine the best course
of action instead of one’s desire. This ability motivates one do the right
thing, in spite of a negative emotional state. Indiscipline, on the other
hand, can be said to be the breakdown of moral and ethical values. In
other words, indiscipline implies not doing what is right due to pressure
of circumstances or one’s desire.
In a dating relationship, indiscipline is usually exhibited in conduct,
speech and even in thoughts. The result is indulging in acts that will not
enhance the growth of the individuals and the relationship. Learn to
concentrate on the mind and attitude of your date. Areas where
indiscipline is usually exhibited are:
• Lack of discipline in choosing your dates:
It is lack of discipline to date a person who is not in the same spiritual

Kingdom as you or someone who is not born again (2 Corinthians 6:14-
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15). As a Christian, the Scripture is clear on the issue of who to relate with,
especially, if such a relationship could lead to marriage.
• Lack of discipline in your conduct in the relationship:
The dating period is not the time to indulge in sex, not even anything
that suggests a desire for it like holding of hands, kissing, fondling and
petting. It will be indiscipline to indulge in such acts before marriage.
Dating is not marriage! This is very important to note, so that you
do not lose focus of the purpose. Also, it will be a sign of indiscipline to
pre-empt your partner’s intentions. Love is to be mutual and until
intentions are clearly stated, they are not to be assumed. Generally, a
brother is to propose marriage in clear terms and a sister is to express
agreement and consent, clearly. Do not use the word "marriage" on your
dates, until you are absolutely sure about going into courtship.
It is not considered honourable for a lady to ask a man out on a date,
whether consciously or unconsciously. This could lead to exposing the lady
to unpleasant experiences. The fact is that some men still see it as being
forward or wayward. Considering it is a man that searches for a wife, it will
be in a lady’s best interest to allow the man to find her (Proverbs 18:22). If
a lady is persuaded about a particular man being appropriate for her, it is
wisdom to pray and exercise patience, and allow the man to come to her.
It is not advisable to go on an outing with a date to your friend’s
house for any reason, except on very special occasions, when your partner
‘s friends and yours would be around in an open place. Example of such
occasions could be birthdays or other celebrations.
Some people date to exploit their partner. This is a show of lack of
character, which is also referred to as indiscipline. Do not use the one you
are dating to your material needs. Do not go on a spending spree with
your friend, whether as a man or a woman all in the name of a date. This
will be taking undue advantage of someone else.
Dating, if done orderly, helps to build up long-lasting friendship, but
indiscipline can easily destroy this.
• Lack of discipline in your utterances:
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Friendship can be defined as behaving in a kind and pleasant way;

showing and expressing a helpful attitude and not being in conflict with
others. Friendship is a must, if you are to make the best of dating.
However, friendship can be destroyed easily by careless utterances. In
Proverbs chapter 15, a chapter of 33 verses, eight has to do with what you
say.
Words can make the difference in a situation capable of leading to
hot arguments in a relationship; the right words have the power to defuse
anger.
Take a look at some things from Proverbs 15:
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger
Verse 1
The evidence of your maturity can be seen easily in your words. Also,
foolishness can be evident in your speech, even while on your dates.
The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools
poureth out foolishness.
Verse 2
While dating, your utterances can either refresh or break you and
your friend’s spirits, as what you say has an effect on both of you.
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach
in the spirit.
Verse 4
A wise person will always speak the right words at the right time, but
this is not so with the foolish. One of the characteristics of a good dating
relationship is the ability of the persons involved to build-up each other.
This, in turn, is a function of what they have to offer in terms of knowledge;
that is, enlightening each other on issues of life.
The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth
not so.
Verse 7
The heart of him that hath understanding seeketh knowledge: but the
mouth of fools feedeth on foolishness.
Verse 14
Your words can bring about joy.
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A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due
season, how good is it!
Verse 23
Notably, purity of heart is what produces purity of words. You
cannot separate your thoughts from your words. Therefore, for your words
to reflect purity, it has to start from your thoughts.
The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the LORD: but the
words of the pure are pleasant words.
Verse 26
It is a good attribute to think first before you speak This enables you
to give careful thought to what you are about to say.
The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the
wicked poureth out evil things.
Verse 28
A successful dating experience demands exercising discipline in the
use of words. Indiscipline has ruined many relationships that could have
led to good marriages. Invariably, some marriages have experienced
violence, as a result of misguided utterances of one or both of the parties.
Therefore, the need to discipline your utterances cannot be
overemphasised. It is your responsibility to ensure you maintain discretion
with your utterances, to avoid regrets in your relationships.
Wrong Association
This is another trap that you must avoid. It has been said that, he
who frequents the association of bad or corrupt men, will soon be as they
are. How true this saying is!
Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
1 Corinthians 15:33
Even if you are sound in the faith and godly but involved in a wrong
association, your faith will be weakened. Evidently, the wrong association
will corrupt your morals.
Think on this: Put a rose in a sack of fish, and soon the rose will start
to stink.
The message is this: Beware of the association you keep! The
company you keep is so important, as they can influence you in more ways
than you think.
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The people you hang out with will influence you are and what you
become. This is because we fit easily into the information gathered from
our environment.
Your future is largely dependent on the influence of the people you
associate with. Truly, "Who you company with determines what
accompanies you." This is why it is essential
One of the
characteristics of a good that you avoid the trap of a wrong
dating relationship is the association.
ability of the persons When you keep a wrong association
involved to build-up for a date, you tend to become someone
each other. else when you are around them, in order to
gain acceptance or affection. You say
things you would normally not say, in a bid to impress. Sometimes, we
meet with people and after running out of things to talk about, we start
talking about other people and mundane things that are neither edifying
nor add to the relationship. Do not gossip!
Another important point to note is that, usually, wrong association
is the ultimate reason for departure from your goals. Everyone has goals
that they want to achieve. However, you need to bear in mind that a date
is someone you should end up getting married to. It is, therefore,
important that your goals match.
If the association you keep is so important, how you wisely choose
your date must be considered at this point. Wisdom is key when you need
to make proper choices.
Proverbs 12:26 (NIV) says:
...the way of the wicked leads them astray.
Premarital Sex
The mistake most people make is to assume that passion and sex
indicate genuine love and commitment, but this is not true. True intimacy
is purposefully cultivated, and this goes beyond sexual intimacy.
Marriage is honourable in all only if the bed is undefiled (Hebrews
13:4; Galatians 5:19-21). There is no room for sexual intercourse or
anything that leads to it during dating. Keep the marriage bed undefiled.
Many people lose the savour of building a strong relationship of
commitment during dating, when they engage in heavy petting that gets
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out of control. One thing leads to another. This is like the child who stood
at the edge of a forest fire and said, "But I only lit a match. "
From the onset, make your boundaries clear and stick to them.
Refuse to settle for less and certainly stay away from anyone who doesn’t
respect your faith.
This is why the Bible says:
Abstain from all appearance of evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:22
Too often, people start off with romantic attraction, hoping they will
later become friends. But the more you become involved sexually, the less
likely you are to spend quality time talking about deep, significant subjects
that really matter to your lives and future happiness.
Physical contact may, at first, be limited to kissing but usually end
up with sexual intercourse. If care is not taken, the result is that you may
end up experiencing arguments and misunderstanding in your
relationship. Eventually, the relationship deteriorates because it is based
on physical and romantic feelings, rather than a solid foundation of
friendship. After a while, physical involvement becomes unfulfilling
without commitment.
If you obey the instruction, give no place to the devil (Ephesians
4:27), by limiting physical contact between both of you, then the
relationship will get a chance to thrive properly. Once you start getting
physical, you introduce romantic feelings prematurely. This not only
changes the course and nature of the relationship, it also beclouds your
sense of reasoning and judgement. It is difficult to be rational when your
emotions are whipped up!
• Fallacious Arguments For Premarital Sex
There are arguments people put up as rational, for indulging in

premarital sex. This, however, does not change God’s instructions or His
stand. You cannot base your life on what is popularly done; you must base
it on the revealed truths from the Word of God.
For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He
taketh the wise in their own craftiness.
1 Corinthians 3:19
Here are some arguments and how to handle them:
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• People argue that the sex drive is a basic biological drive and as
such, premarital sex is justified.
We may not be able to live without food, air or water; but, we can
definitely live without sex. Abstinence does not impair one’s health.
Foods for the stomach and the stomach for foods, but God will destroy
both it and them. Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord,
and the Lord for the body.
1 Corinthians 6:13 (NKJV)
When passions are ignited, before you know it, one thing leads to
another; you certainly don’t want to cross that line into a world of sin. So,
be cautious!
The sin of sexual immorality has physical and emotional
consequences on individuals that indulge in it. As we see from the
Scripture, it can affect the body and this is why some of the incurable
diseases are sexually transmitted.
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but
he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (NKJV)
• People argue that everyone is doing it and, therefore, it must be
right!
First, not everyone engages in premarital sex; statistics does not
establish values. A majority can be wrong!
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way,
that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life,
and few there be that find it.
Matthew 7:13 & 14
More so, we are told not to …follow a crowd to do evil… (Exodus
23:2 NKJV)
• People argue that sex is a proof of love.
People claim that sexual activity is a proof of love and how much the
other person cares. This result in pressure on the reluctant partner to
demonstrate a certain level of care, by giving in to sexual activities. The
reluctant partner, therefore, succumbs to this pressure, with the
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underlying hope that it will somehow cement the relationship and

discourage the other partner from jilting him/her.
Singles need to understand and appreciate the fact that true love
cares about the well-being of the other person. A person with this view
demonstrates love by sexual responsiveness. Ultimately, he or she gets
married with a distortion of what real intimacy means. This eventually
leads to lack of fulfilment in marriage, if they eventually do.
• People say one needs to have sex before marriage, in order to

acquire experience.
This argument emphasises a desire, on the part of an individual, not

to appear like a sexual novice on the wedding night. The question usually
asked is: What if I get married and can’t do it right? But this is, in actual fact
a lie to lure you into sin. The first time will always be the first time; whether
you do it during dating relationship or in marriage. But one is definitely
more honourable than the other.
You don’t have to worry about being able to do it right. Just as you
get into school before you learn, you have to be married before you learn
certain things. There is no way good sexual techniques will remedy a poor
emotional relationship. In other words, a deeply committed couple; with
no sexual experience, is far ahead of a sexually experienced couple with
shallow commitment.
• People argue about being compatible.
The idea of this argument is: "How will they know if they will be
compatible in bed after they get married?" A wise man said, "Building
bridges of love and mutual care in relationships are the sure roads to
honeymoon that can last a lifetime." When partners genuinely care about
each other and take time to build a strong love during their dating period,
this in itself is enough to cultivate a compatible future sex life.
• People argue, "We are in love and plan to marry soon. Why
should we wait?"
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Loss of respect, guilt and dissatisfaction can occur if you indulge in

premarital sex. Contemporary studies indicate that out of 100 couples who
cohabit, 40 Of them break-up before marriage. Out of the 60 who marry,
45 of them divorce, leaving only 15 with a lasting marriage.
Besides, there have been incidences of people changing their minds
a night before the wedding or on the wedding day; eventually, the
wedding won’t take place and the couple would not get married. Patience
is a virtue. You are still better off waiting till when you actually exchange
your marital vows and are legally married.
• People argue that sexual restraint may not be good for your
health.
Restraint does not have a negative effect on your health; it is actually

lack of restraint that has a negative effect on your health; both now and in
the future.
It is also worthy of note that sexual energy can be diverted into non-
sexual and non-destructive goals. Guilt, on the other hand, produces
devastating results in the future. Guilt is anger turned inward and it can
result in depression, low self-esteem and fatigue.
How to Avoid Premarital Sex
God’s Word says:

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one
does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your oven body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)
To avoid premarital sex in your relationships, the following are
necessary:
❖ Make a Decision
The first thing is to make a decision to avoid premarital sex at all

costs. This is a decision that must be made by both of you. It has been said
that it is decision that determines destination.
This also implies that you cannot afford to be neutral but rather take
a stand to abstain from premarital sex. To be neutral is to set yourself up
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to be a victim. This is because without a firm decision in place, you are

bound to give in when you are pressurised.
The Bible says in Psalm 101:2:
I will behave myself wisely... I will...
❖ Set Appropriate Boundaries
You must take practical steps to sustain your decision. One of such
steps is to set appropriate boundaries. In your relationship with your date,
if there is any indication that such a person will not respect the set
boundaries, then he/she may not make a good future spouse. Both of you
need to choose to promote delayed gratification.
❖ Be Sensitive
You need to be sensitive when on dates. There is a sad account in

the Bible between a young man called Amnon and his sister, Tamar, whom
he raped; both were King David’s children. This sad incident happened
because the girl was not vigilant, when her brother said “...Come lie with
me, my sister" (2 Samuel 13:11). She should have fled at that time.
The young man Amnon was a victim of wrong counsel. This also is a
lesson for singles. You must watch the friends you take counsel from and
those you associate with. When you associate with people who do not see
the need to avoid sexual sins, they will eventually influence your thinking
and attitude to sex negatively.
Paul, in addressing Christians at Corinth, said:
...I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin.
...you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer
(Christian) yet indulges in sexual sin...Don’t even eat with such people.
1 Corinthians 5:9,11 (NLT, Emphasis Mine)
Never be ashamed of saying, "No!" When you engage in premarital
sex, you sin against your own body, your family, and the society; but more
importantly, against God.
Be guided by God’s love, which manifests itself in self-control. Spend
quality time with God daily, drawing strength from His Word, in order to
be able to resist temptation.
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Worthy of note is the fact that one trap leads to the other; the three
are interwoven. Without any doubt, if you lack discipline, you will end up
in a wrong association, which will definitely make you see premarital sex
as a way of life, thereby becoming a victim. You shall not be caught in the
web in Jesus’ name.
Therefore, the first thing to do before contemplating on dating is to
pray about your date. Be a friend of God, before you seek to find a friend
that will be a date. God described Abraham
as His friend (James 2:23). Abraham’s Spend quality time with
friendship with God was founded on God daily, drawing
strength from His Word,
absolute truth and loyalty. A true friend
in order to be able to
strengthens spiritually and draws us closer resist temptation.
to God (Proverbs 27:17).
Your spouse should be your closest earthly friend; therefore, it is
advised that you marry a friend. The dating process places upon you the
responsibility to choose a friend. Marriage is a lifelong commitment;
therefore, a lifelong friend must be chosen carefully.
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Set boundaries!
Be not unequally yoked
and make purity your top
priority.
Guard your heart against
ungodly environmental
factors that spoil the vine.
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Chapter 8 - More On
Christian Courtship
...Let everyone be fully satisfied in his own mind.
Romans 14:5 (AMP)
But without thy mind would I do nothing; that thy benefit should not be
as it were of necessity, but willingly.
Philemon 1:14
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 2:5 (NIV)
As already established, courtship is the period between when two
people of opposite sex agree to get married and when they actually get
married.
Even in Bible days, courtship was a practice. For example, Mary the
mother of Jesus was espoused to Joseph, and the immaculate conception
of Jesus was before they came together (Matthew 1:18).
It is during the courtship period that one should get all possible
knowledge of the other’s spiritual life, likes and dislikes, experiences of the
past, family background, strengths and weaknesses. These factors form
the basis for attitudes and behavioural patterns that must be critically
observed and assessed. This period also
Work on yourself and
serves as an opportunity to help each other
make sure you are not
carrying any baggage of grow up spiritually, through the
past hurts. instrumentality of the Word and prayer.
Both of you must identify godly examples
of good marriages that you desire to emulate. Visit such couples and take
advantage of godly counsel from them.
Included in your discussions must be your future together and the
family you are aspiring to have. Talk about issues such as the number of
children you desire and how you intend to build a godly heritage for them.
One very important thing you also need to discuss is financial matters —
how to be good stewards of your God-given resources, your
understanding of how God blesses and the different types of covenant
practices in order to enjoy God’s blessings financially. Good financial
stewardship is a function of good money management habits. Therefore,
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it is important you have the right attitude towards money, so that it does
not become a source of frequent quarrels when you are married.
In Amos 3:3, the Scripture warns:
Can two walk together except they be agreed?
Your responsibility is to ask questions that will enable you get to
know the other person well. This is the whole essence of courtship,
because getting married to a stranger can be disastrous. The Bible
admonishes:
Test all things; hold fast what is good.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 (NKIV)
Divorce and separation are not expected to be a consideration in
your marriage relationship. Therefore, you must reassure yourself about
the person you are in courtship with. Time has a way of revealing the true
nature of people, so take your time.
Information to be obtained includes family and educational
backgrounds, upbringing, spiritual background, previous relationships,
children it any, etc. All these, in addition to the knowledge of
temperament, strengths and weaknesses, will help you appreciate how the
person has been shaped into who he/she is presently.
You, on your own part, must be transparent and willing to also
provide truthful information about yourself. This is why you must maintain
your individuality. Build a strong relationship with God and His Word. You
must also maintain a good attitude towards your family members and
friends, as you will need them to give you support in your future marriage.
Work on yourself and make sure you are not carrying any baggage
of past hurts. "Hurting people hurt others," says Joyce Meyer. Develop the
right attitude towards life and its experiences. Appreciate who you are in
God and invest in your talents, gifts and abilities. Do not compromise your
values and beliefs for any reason. Remember that you will eventually lose
anything you compromise to get.
It is important to discuss individual physiological or temperamental
peculiarities, that is, blood genotype, etc. There is a level of risk involved
in being open, but that is why you should be sure that you are not just
"having fun" with him/her.
If you talk sincerely and with consideration in your heart, nothing
will come as a surprise or shock when you get married. Why? It is because
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you would have possessed a foreknowledge of most things. There is no

point trying to cover up things that will eventually be discovered!
Start adjusting to your friend’s likes and dislikes spiritually, mentally
and socially as you prepare not just the wedding ceremony, but also life
thereafter as a married couple. Spend
quality time, individually and together, Healthy relationships
studying the Bible and praying for the require good, solid and
future. This foundation will help both of well-defined boundaries.
you, when you do get married, to
spiritually build-up each other. Read and discuss several books,
particularly on marriage; listen to anointed tapes, teachings and attend
seminars and programmes on Christian marriage and family together.
Scripturally, a man should be the head of his home. Therefore, as a
man, you should begin to learn to take the lead by initiating spiritual steps
for both of you, such as calling for a fast together, attending fellowships,
rendering Christian services or getting involved in charitable works and
Kingdom investments together.
In all these, ensure you maintain your individuality. Among other
things, your own life should consist of the following.
• Your relationship with and attitude towards God and His
Word,
• Your relationship with and attitude towards your family and
others,
• Your attitude towards life and its experiences,
• The appreciation and investment of your talents, gifts, abilities
and principles.
Wisdom demands that you get your parents involved in the
relationship by seeking their counsel, approval and acceptance of your
choice. This is very important, because based on God’s leading, your
parents should be involved in initiating the courtship process. If for any
reason, either parent are not in agreement or are not alive, you should
seek for godly counsel on the way forward. However, do not be in a rush!
As time goes on, the involvement of families on both sides is to be
on a more serious level, as you are getting to know your future in-laws;
these include parents, siblings and extended family members. Therefore,
relate well with them and begin to attend some family functions together.
This will help to foster family acceptance.
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The involvement of your spiritual family - your pastor, friends and

the brethren, must not be overlooked.
If you discover during the courtship that you cannot spend the rest
of your lives together as husband and wife, it will not be wise to continue.
The Bible is clear on this, as it reiterates:
Two cannot walk together except they agree (paraphrased)
Amos 3:3
An example of what may demand you call off the relationship is
discovering that the person you are involved with has an abusive attitude,
particularly, if it involves physical abuse. This cannot be compromised, as
it will certainly result in problems in the marriage. Do not patch things up
and expect them to get better because they may never get better. Do not
allow the pressure of people’s opinions to rob you of your right to a life
of joy and happiness. A broken courtship is not the same as a divorce, but
rather, it gives you the liberty to make a better and more informed
decision about your future.
A decision to get married does not equal marriage. So, any form of
sexual relationship is a sin at this stage. Don’t defile your marriage bed,
thereby removing the honour in it.
Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers
and adulterers God will judge.
Hebrews 13:4
When God told Adam that he would surely die if he ate from the
forbidden tree (Genesis 2:17), he actually did not die physically; the
spiritual death of separation from God took place. It took the death and
resurrection of Jesus Christ to rectify this {Romans 5:10-21). In same way,
premarital sex takes honour out of marriage.
Don’t be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he
sows! Sexual sin has serious consequences such as broken fellowship with
God, guilt, shame, loss of dignity, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted
pregnancy, low self-esteem, stirred-up desires that can’t be fulfilled, etc.
The repercussions will eventually catch up with you in the future. It
is not a question of being ‘seen’ or ‘caught’, but a question of the seed
you are sowing towards your future and that of generations to come. As
far as sex before marriage is concerned, don’t even go near it!
At this point, it is important for you to standardise your relationship.
Healthy relationships require good, solid and well-defined boundaries. In
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order to be preserved, boundaries must be in place. Make a commitment

to each other, before emotions start rioting and keep to it. In such a
commitment, consider how you would expect someone to treat your
spouse; treat that lady/gentleman the same way!
For example, avoid visiting your future partner at Odd hours;
discourage sexual acts like kissing, petting and hugging at all costs.
Discourage visitations at your place, if you live alone and do not expose
any private area of your body or dress up before each other.
If for any reason you are in a room together, definitely keep the door
open! Always be in a place where you can be easily interrupted.
Think deeply on this: If you play the instruments, you’ll get the music.
So, avoid everything that looks like or is related to sex, as one thing leads
to another.
Abstain from every form of evil.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 (NKJV)
Be in control of your emotions and take control of your thoughts.
Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit as He is your covenant Guide, Who will help
you to know when and how to be careful by keeping you on alert.
Please be aware: Spending a great deal of time with one person
increases the temptation to "get physical". Meanwhile, through physical
contact, you can find yourself in a terrible emotional predicament before
you realise what is happening. So, be careful!
Other areas of caution include never owning a joint bank account,
hoping that will commit you both to getting married. If you want to have
a joint account, wait till after marriage. Do not fund his/her business,
either!
Wisely suggest what you want your partner to do or wear, or how to
behave in public; never impose anything on him/her during or after
courtship.
Do not give expensive gifts in order to impress or buy love and do
not make financial demands on him/her, as he/she is not financially
obliged to you in any way yet! Do not borrow or lend.
Be "single-eyed" and avoid flirting with others (Matthew 6:22).
A successful courtship period is expected to lead to family
introduction, engagement and eventually, marriage.
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It is important to note here that neither family introduction nor

engagement (whether customary or traditional wedding) is equivalent to
marriage for a child of God.
God, and not your parent’s culture or tradition, is the Originator of
marriage. Therefore, it is important you honour God, His Word and the
institution of marriage by ensuring that you and your future partner are
joined together in Holy Matrimony. This should be done in Church and
before a crowd of witnesses, to fulfil all righteousness (Matthew 3:15).
However, many relationships do not end on a good note. This is
because they have not harnessed the benefits of a good courtship. These
benefits can be experienced by developing good communication in the
dating process.
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Courtship is not yet marriage or

commitment to marry.
Don’t put yourself in a
compromising situation.
Honour God’s design for
marriage, even before
you enter it, by paying
attention to your deeds.
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Chapter 9 - Prepare To Marry

Marriage is honourable...
Hebrews 13:4
God designed marriage for honour. This implies that He wants you
to have a wonderful, fulfilling lifetime with a special mate, in marriage.
However, success is not a gift but the product of raw materials that have
been appropriately processed.
The Bible says:
This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall
meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is
written in it. For then you will make your way Prosperous, and then you will have
good success.
Joshua 1:8 (NKJV)
There are fundamentals that can be drawn from the Word and when
applied, deliver to you good success in marriage. These include, but are
not limited to the following:
• Adequate Knowledge
Many of the problems in marriages today result from a poor

understanding of proper dating. Remember cause and effect never fail!
Adequate knowledge will help you to create success, as well as avoid
problems.
The Bible says:
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou (you) hast
rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee (you), that thou(you) shalt be no
priest to me: seeing thou (you) hast forgotten the law of thy (your) God, I will
also forget thy (your) children.
Hosea 4:6
And ye (you) shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
John 8:32 (Emphasis Mine)
You must have clear understanding of God’s purpose for marriage.
He wants to raise a couple, fulfilling His call together, pleased with each
other, certainly, but primarily focused on Him, not on their own pleasures.
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Someone has said, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in
looking together in the same direction.”
A successful marriage depends God designed marriage
largely on adequate knowledge about for honour. This implies
God’s principles, and how He designed that He wants you to
marriage to succeed. When you focus on have a wonderful,
God’s principles instead of your pleasure, fulfilling lifetime with a
you will end up having a very satisfying and special mate, in
marriage.
pleasant marriage. Many think that love is
the only fundamental requirement; while love is important, knowledge is
equally important.
Many marriages end up in crisis because such individuals get
married without adequate knowledge of the fundamental principles.
Knowledge on marriage can be obtained from reading, studying and
meditating on God’s Word. Also, knowledge can be contacted from
Christian literature about marriage. However, you must be very selective
about the books you read. Select Christian literature whose authors have
proofs or good testimonies of marriage.
However, knowledge acquired will only profit you when acted upon.
The Bible says:
But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own
selves.
James 1:22
Marriage is the total commitment of a man and woman as husband
and wife, to Jesus Christ individually and then to each other. If someone is
not committed to Jesus, don’t expect such individual to be committed to
you; total commitment to Jesus is fundamental. Make God’s Word the
standard for your relationships and you’ll be glad you did!
• Personal Wholeness
Singleness is about wholeness, and personal wholeness is a

necessary requirement for a successful marriage. If two people that are
"wounded" get into marriage, it will end up in crisis.
The Bible says:
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So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him;
male and female created he them.
Genesis 1:27
God created you to be a complete person. It is only as a wholesome
person that you can be a blessing to someone else, because what you do
not have, you cannot give. So, work at becoming a complete, mature and
responsible person, first.
Remember: There is nothing magical about marriage. It will not
suddenly transform you into who you are not. Marriage is not an escape
route from the challenges of life. Whatever you take into marriage is what
you get from it.
You cannot make a good omelette out of bad eggs. In God’s
arithmetic, it a wholesome man and a wholesome woman that make a
wholesome marriage. This is why God created you whole and complete.
Sadly, many people go into marriage with unrealistic expectations.
Remember that your emotional well-being is not in the hand of anyone
but you. Please understand: In as much as it is important to marry the right
person, it is equally important for you to be a right person.
It is your responsibility to achieve personal wholeness before
marriage. "Responsibility is the price of greatness, " declared Winston
Churchill. Issues such as unforgiveness, bitterness, abuse and lust need to
be addressed before marriage. There should be no area of unrepentant
sin.
To be personally whole, carefully consider the following:
• Break Loose From Your Negative Past
And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all
men everywhere to repent.
Acts 17:30
Most of us do not come from perfect family backgrounds. This
implies we have negative pasts. For instance, considering your family
background, the relationship between your left your parents left you
wounded and battered in one way or another. Even some of us were
raised in non-Christian homes by unbelieving parents. Besides, some from
perfect homes have been messed up in one way or another spiritually and
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emotionally. You cannot undo your negative past, but you can be healed
and recover from it.
No matter what your own case may be, it is still possible to have a
great marriage; but this will require that you break loose from your
negative past. If you intend to go forward, you cannot be looking
backward at the same time. You must allow the past to pass by letting go
of it. Until you let go of your negative past, you cannot lay hold on your
colourful future.
To break loose from past wounds, take the following steps:
• Repent
The first step to take in order to break loose from the past is
repentance. What did you do wrong? Go before the Lord and ask for
forgiveness (1 John 1:9). Ask God to open a new chapter to your life.
• Forgive yourself
After repentance, you must forgive yourself. Many people have a

hard time forgiving themselves, even after they have asked God for
forgiveness. This ought not to be so. Yes, you have done wrong, but God
has forgiven you and so, you must forgive yourself.
• Forgive others
In case you have been a victim of hurt caused by others, that is,
someone abused you sexually or emotionally, you have to forgive them.
Whoever the person may be and no matter how painful it is, you need to
forgive them, because God commands it (Colossians 3:13). Also, note that
forgiveness brings healing.
• Refrain
You must ensure that you refrain from past wrong acts and never go
back to them. You cannot afford to continue in sin and expect grace to
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abound (Romans 6:1). Endeavour to allow old things to pass away and
become new (2 Corinthians 5:17).
• Package Yourself Appropriately
To package yourself appropriately, you need to work on yourself

through personal development efforts. This includes, but is not limited to,
packaging yourself spiritually and physically.
• Spiritual packaging
"How do I package myself spiritually?” you may ask. By this I mean,

having a quality walk with God and continually submitting yourself to the
influence of the Holy Spirit. Being under the influence of the Holy Spirit at
all times influences the things you do, what you say and your thoughts.
This Scripture makes this very clear:
That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not
after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they
that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit.
For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and
peace.
Romans 8:4-6
The process starts with a personal relationship with the Lord Jesus
Christ. Simply put, spiritual packaging starts with you being born again.
This is then sustained by a daily walk with the Lord that requires studying
His Word and developing a life of prayer.
Decide that no day passes without a dose from God’s Word; because
what physical food is to your body is what the Word of God is to your
spiritual life. You cannot afford to be famished spiritually.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and
admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with
grace in your hearts to the Lord.
Colossians 3:16
Develop a quality walk with God in your prayer life. Be a Christian
that creates adequate time for communion with God, and prayer is about
communing with God (Luke 18.1). Among other things, prayer helps you
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to be a spiritually sensitive Christian. That way, your thoughts will become

pure, righteous and holy.
Philippians 4:8 says:
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are
honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever
things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue,
and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Spiritual sensitivity makes it easy for you to catch the signal when
the Spirit of God speaks to you on the subject of marriage. So, be spiritual
in all that you do.
• Physical Packaging
This has to do with your appearance. Remember: You do not have a

second chance to make a first impression! If you desire to enjoy a
successful marriage, you must know how to work on your physical
appearance, because the way you dress is the way you will be addressed
(1 Corinthians 14:40).
Interestingly, when Pharaoh sent for Joseph. the first thing Joseph
did was to shave himself and change his raiment. Joseph worked on his
appearance and made himself presentable (Genesis 41:14). Always appear
like a child of God, dignified and respectable! Your physical appearance
should not depict carelessness, irresponsibility or that you are
disorganised.
• Build Character
The Bible says:

Ye (you) are witnesses, and God also, how holily and justly and
unblameably we behaved ourselves among you that believe.
1 Thessalonians 2:10 (Emphasis Mine)
Let me tell you: Loose conduct can easily get people into tight
places. Your character is your behaviour. Read this next scripture also very
carefully:
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For yourselves know how ye (you) ought to follow us: for we behaved not
ourselves disorderly among you.
2 Thessalonians 3:7 (Emphasis Mine)
Clearly, character is the foundation for destiny. Your character is your
true person. It is not what you wear, your name, fame, neither is it a gift; it
is a choice you make to a faithful, honest and disciplined person. It is the
foundation for your future home and the stabiliser of your marital destiny.
Character has to do with every area of your life. It is your responsibility to
build your character! Remember: You can be morally upright in this
immoral world.
• Serve God Unreservedly
The Bible says:

But seek ye (you) first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all
these things shall be added unto you.
Matthew 6:33 (Emphasis Mine)
As you prepare to marry, ensure that you constantly seek
opportunity to render service unto God; remember that service has
rewards. Get involved in serving God willingly, joyfully, faithfully,
sacrificially and wholeheartedly. Prayerfully locate areas where you can
serve God, especially, in your local Church. Be actively involved in a service
group; serve God with your resources (financial and material), etc. The
reward of faithful service includes being blessed with a successful
marriage.
Concluding the Dating Process
The Bible enjoins us to do everything to the glory of God (l

Corinthians 10:31). Dating is no exception, but is, in fact, one area where
this instruction must be observed.
If you are a born-again child of God, your entire approach to the
dating process has to reflect that. Being born again means you have been
delivered from the kingdom of darkness and have been translated to the
spiritual Kingdom, where Jesus rules (Colossians 1:13). This implies God
expects you to date and marry a person who belongs to the same spiritual
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family as you, someone who is also born again and a committed Christian.
The Bible states clearly:
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship
hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with
darkness?
2 Corinthians 6:14
This has nothing to do with how ‘nice’ or ‘good’ a person is, but the
condition of their spirit. Anyone that is not born again and not a
committed Christian does not deserve your consideration.
The Bible says:
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are
passed away; behold, all things are become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17
Dating or marrying an unbeliever should not even be an option no
matter what! I cannot emphasise this enough because it is absolutely
crucial. Remember that marriage is meant to last a lifetime, so take care
not to start wrongly by being unequally yoked. You will not be spiritually
compatible and this will hinder the power in agreement between both of
you. The power of agreement is an invaluable asset to a marriage that will
succeed.
Also, do not plan to ‘convert’ someone with the intention of dating
them or to date someone with the
intention of converting them. This is Develop a quality walk
dangerous, as someone may just play with God in your prayer
along and act ‘saved’ all in a bid to get you, life.
only to put on his/her true nature after the
wedding.
There is a first-class husband or wife that God has destined for you.
Stay true to God, shun all appearances of evil and make a decision for
purity, holiness, integrity and righteousness.
As I conclude this book, I want you to always remember that the
starting point of a relationship between a Christian man and woman is an
understanding that their coming together is not by chance, but by the
supernatural hand of God (Romans 8:30).
A strong love for one another must exist, and be on the build-up
(Song of Solomon 8:6-7). You both must be spiritually mature, emotionally
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stable and physically mature to parent children. God places an emphasis

on man not boy in Genesis 2:24.
Making a success of marriage requires physical stamina, objective
reasoning, being considerate, etc. One that is mature for marriage should
be able to accept responsibility for his/her actions and look after the
welfare of his/her spouse and children.
Both of you should propose and agree on the number of children to
have and whether brothers and sisters from your families can live with you,
and from what period after the wedding.
Marriage is honourable in all only if the bed is undefiled (Hebrews
13:4; Galatians 5:19-21). There is no room for sex or anything that leads to
it before marriage. Keep the marriage bed undefiled. Keep your sexual
drive in neutral until after marriage. Set boundaries and refuse to eat the
"forbidden fruit"
As you apply the principles already discussed, your marriage shall
surely emerge successful. May you enjoy for a glorious marriage that will
serve as a testimony for others to follow!
May you enjoy a very happy marriage!
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The basis of satisfactory

preparation for marriage
is to enhance your worth in
all areas of life. Besides,
spend much time in
prayer, asking God for
guidance, choice and His
perfect will for your life.
Page | 95
Things I Don’t Want You To

Forget
Chapter 1: A Biblical Perspective
The Bible does not endorse the recreational or shopping around kind of
dating that the world practises today.
Dating someone who doesn’t have a personal relationship with Christ
is playing with fire. Beware!
Sensible and profitable dating is a process for information gathering and
relationship building.
Chapter 2: Why Date?

If you are not eligible to marry, or there is no possibility of marriage
with another person, then don’t date!
Dating is not marriage; therefore, do not relate with each other as
husband and wife.
Dating is the time to find out about the person you intend to spend the
rest of your life with.
Chapter 3: The Healthy Process of Dating

Never defile the marriage bed through sexual activity or anything that can
lead to it.
Don’t be desperate, it will impair the effectiveness of your evaluation.
A successful Christian dating relationship will earn you trust, honour and
respect from your spouse in future.
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Chapter 4: But, How Do I Know?

God wants the best for us in every area of our lives, including
relationships.
Good understanding of yourself and your purpose will help you to
succeed in that relationship.
One big mistake some singles make is that they confuse or equate sex
with love. Don’t be deceived.
Chapter 5: Don’t Just Talk, Communicate!

Listening is not just about hearing; it involves paying attention to your
partner.
Next to love, the most important ingredient in a relationship is
communication.
It is crucial to discuss family matters and how either of you can deal with
them.
Chapter 6: Consider These Things…

As a Christian, chastity is not only limited to your actions, but also
includes your thoughts and words.
Do not pretend you do not have feelings; rather express your desires to
defer them until you are married.
At the beginning of your dating relationship, come up with scriptural,
physical and emotional boundaries.
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Chapter 7: Traps To Avoid

Spend quality time with God daily, drawing strength from His word, in
order to be able to resist temptation.
Your future is largely dependent on the influence of the people you
associate with.
Set boundaries; be not unequally yoked and make purity your top
priority.
Chapter 8: More On Christian Courtship

Work on yourself and make sure you are not carrying any baggage of past
hurts.
Courtship is the period between when two people of opposite sex agree
to get married and when they actually get married.
A successful courtship period is expected to lead to family introduction,
engagement and eventually marriage.
Chapter 9: Prepare To Marry

Making a success of marriage requires physical stamina, objective
reasoning and being considerate.
If you are a born-again child of God, your entire approach to the dating
process has to reflect that.
When you focus on God’s principles instead if your pleasure, you will end
up having a very satisfying and pleasant marriage.
Page | 98
SALVATION PRAYER
The only condition God places before you to becoming His child is
to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal Saviour (Romans 10:10).
Having considered this truth, you can now say this prayer:
Father, I realise that I have been a sinner.
Today, I come before You asking for forgiveness of my sins. I believe
in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and I believe in His power
to save me if I ask Him to.
Now Lord, save me, accept me as Your child and write my name in the
book of life. I receive and accept You today as my Lord and personal
Saviour. Thank you, Father, for saving me, in Jesus’ Name, Amen.
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DATING: A BIBLICAL GUIDE

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Connect with Faith A. Oyedepo

All Scripture quotations are from the King James Version of

Chapter 8 - More On Christian Courtship.................................................................................................... 79

No area of human existence is as volatile and capable of heartaches

important subject! If God, our Creator and Inventor of relationships, is the

Clearly, there are only two outcomes for dating relationships:

The American Heritage Dictionary defines a date as an appointment,

The common idea is that, dating is two mature singles, exploring

What, then, is dating to the Christian?

The subject of dating can be a really touchy one, among Christians

Dating, therefore, becomes a fact-finding process which two mature

Who should date?

relationships in the name of dating. Again, this is very dangerous as it

Who can I date? You may ask!

As a Christian, the dating relationship is meant to be futuristic. This

• A Person of Character in the Same Spiritual Kingdom

other to obey God’s commandments in every area of your lives including

How long should I date?

Don’t be in a rush! This is because anything of worth that will last is

Biblical dating implies that

Chapter 2 - Why Date?

The primary purpose of dating is to cultivate friendship based on

• To know each other better

• To know if both of you can get along

Another purpose of dating is to discover if both of you are heading

There is nothing as frustrating as being married to someone whose

• To prove each other’s sincerity

Dating helps to determine and establish the sincerity of the other

Why Some Dating Relationships Fail

Failure in dating relationships is traceable to many reasons. For

By assumption, I mean engaging in dating without being fully aware

Misconceptions About Dating

Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is

• Dating automatically guarantees friendship:

Dating in itself does not guarantee friendship; rather, the skilful

• In a dating relationship, intimacy can only be built by sex:

Most people associate intimacy with having sex; nothing can be

The ultimate of serious dating is to develop true intimacy, which

• In a dating relationship, we can relate with each other as

Clearly, dating is not the same as being married; rather, it is to help

• Dating is a way of having fun and hanging out with

For a Christian, dating is not to be seen as a casual or romantic

The Scripture says:

Never let it cross your mind

Chapter 3 - The Healthy

Dating is either an information-gathering process or a relationship-

This is the first level of contact with people, and it is characterised

general knowledge of each other. Interaction at this point involves talking

• Involve other friends and family in your circle of friendship,

jilted you, be seen to be "in" or "happening" or just wanting female/male

Having pursued a casual friendship successfully for a while, and after