FRE • ~

NEWF. :t:
I

cou.ECT G
ca• ·y
Cj -.RLTON Ul E
Hj ~NEY: THE
P.· ~BARNUM OVERCOM G
0 COUNTRY PREMAT IRE
I JSIC EJACULATON
9
LER 68
STATEMENT HUSTLER HUMOR

11
FEEDBACK
70
SHOWERED BY
HOWARD

15
SEX BITS

17
ADVISE & CONSENT
ON THE ROPES
Knots for Women Only
Illustrations by

21
BITS & PIECES
Bob Bishop

Slave-On Calling,
Palmex Tissues and
the Rabbit Test Hard Riding

31
X-RATED REVIEWS
Geriatric Love
37
SEX PLAY
Fiction by E. L. Gerdes

Overcoming Premature
EJaculation
by Chris Cassel
Pulling No Punches

40
MEN'S RIGHTS KINKY KORNER
Stand Up and Be Cunted Tryst of Fate
by Jonathan Black by Gary Carey

44
DAPHNE
105
BEAVER HUNT
Grin and Bare It The Girls Next Door

54
PROFILE:
CARLTON HANEY ie in Nashville
Star Maker, Country Style
by John Pugh

119
58
CENTERFOLD:
SHEREE LEE Enormous Jugs and a
Two Kinds of Woman Hot Rip-Off
NOVEMBER 1977 VOLUME 4 NUMBER 5
3.5 MILLION "AMATEUR GYNECOLOGISTS"
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 his is the time of year for tricks Chicago Mirror and Chicagoan, the ver-

T and treats-and, as always,

HUSTLER believes in treating
our readers right. However, not
everyone shares our sense of fair play.
The courts, for example, have been
satile Lynch has also produced under-
ground comics, bubble-gum cards and
des ·igned a board game- "T he
Chicagoan Game." The piece is illus-
trated by Jim Eyans, whose work
dishing up razor-blade apples to this has appeared in Surfer and Psychology
country's male minority for years, an Today magazines and in our sister publi-
injustice that became boldly apparent to cation, CHIC.
writer Jonathan Black while he was Telling a story about two senior
attending law school. Black, a veteran citizens in love is a tricky' feat for a
HUSTLER contributor (Profile: Bruno writer to pull off without resorting to
Sammartino, October 1977), examines sticky sentimentality. E. L . Gerdes, an
the problem in Men's Rights: Two Iowa State Penitentiary inmate and a
Balls, Two Strikes. The accompanying previous HUSTLER contributor
illustration marks the HUSTLER debut (Anchors, May 1977), has once again
of 23-year-old Ohio artist Paul Gulacy, utilized his controlled talents to bring us
who has done fashion illustrations, this month's powerful fiction, Bennie
Marvel comic books and the cover of Loves Clara, a love story in the
our latest, red-hot one-shot- THE HUSTLER style. Artist David Mann,
ADVENTURES OF HONEY HOOKER, now on sale at most whose work regularly appears in the outspoken motorcycle
newsstands . magazine Easyriders, provides the accompanying artwork.
The trick to becoming a master promoter of country and Unlike many erotic artists who masquerade behind
western and of bluegrass musicians seems to be in the ability pseudonyms, Bob Bishop is justly proud of being the unchal-
to recognize talent early. That-combined with a lot of hot lenged master of bondage art. This month HUSTLER pre-
air-was what led to the success of the subject of this month's sents On the Ropes, seven never-before-published works by
Profile: Carlton Haney. Reporter John Pugh, who has the man who has come to be known as the Norman Rockwell
written for Country Music and CountryStyle magazines, of bondage and discipline.
authored the piece. HUSTLER Photo Editor Frank DeLia, No mask can hide the anxiety and tension brought on by
who shot this month's scarecrow cover, journeyed to North premature ejaculation, a problem as common as tooth decay .
Carolina to snap the photograph of Haney. Prolific West Coast writer Chris Cassel (author of Septem-
While some may find the story difficult to swallow, rumor ber's Sex Play on bondage, "Glory Bound") tells our readers
has it that there are more than a few people willing to pay for about ways to cure the malady in this month's Sex Play:
the treat of owning a vial of celebrity urine. Inspired by the Overcoming Premature Ejaculation.
flood of tales about the late Howard Hughes's habit of All in all, we're sure you'll find the November HUSTLER
preserving his piss in mason jars, Chicago-based humorist to be a generous bag of goodies-one good enough to satisfy
Jay Lynch immersed himself in the rumor mill to bring us even the most active sweet tooth.
Showered by Howard, the truth about the celeb-urine fad. -ALTHEA FLYNT
In addition to writing for regional publications such as Associate Publisher/Editorial Director
 An exclusive from Leasure Time HUSTLER·
FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD

LARRY C. FLYNT
Editor & Publisher
ALTHEA FLYNT
Associate Publisher
& Editorial Director
JEAN-LOUIS GINIBRE
Associate Publ isher
& Creative Director
BRUCE DAVID
Executive Editor
MARK HECKER
Art Director
JIM HEINISC H
Managing Editor
ZBIGNIEW KINDELA
Articles Editor
MICHAEL TOOHEY
Senior Editor
TIM CONAWAY
Bits & Pieces Editor
TODD D. SCHWARTZ, MIKE SHEETER
Associate Editors
DWAINE B.TINSLEY , SUSAN TINSLEY
Humor & Cartoon Editors
DAVID A. PAGNARD
Copy Editor
FRANK DeLIA
Photo Editor
MARSHA RIDER
Talent Coordinator

TOM MARTIN , STEPHEN SAYADIAN

Assistant Art Directors
RALPH FOWLER, JEFF SMITH
Art Associates
DANIEL M. BOYLE , KIM FRANCIS ,
DEBORAH FULLERTON , MIKE Y. W. NG ,
MIRIAM ROBERTS , HELEN SALVAS,
I ANNE SKIDMORE
Art Assistants
FRONT
PATRICIA RYAN
Production Editor
The August 1975 issue of HUSTLER revealed exclusive nude photographs of VICKI SCOTT
Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Within a few months this issue became a valuable Editorial Researcher
BARRY ARMITAGE, RONDA CHESES,
collector's item . N. MORGEN HAGEN , JESS PISZCZOR,
To help commemorate this event, LEASURE TIME has minted a limited supply of EVAN STANSBURY , DAVE STEPHENSON
Editorial Assistants
silver dollar-size coins dedicated to the nude Jackie 0 . These finely crafted, sterling MARY HUNT, HELEN TRUMB ULL
silver coins-sculpted by Boris Buzan and produced by Pacific Mint-capture the Typography
sexuality that helped to make Jackie 0 the world's best-known and most widely MARK BAKER
exposed woman. East Coast Editor
FRANK FORTUNATO ,
Smart collectors know that coins are one investment that usually increases in LARRY WICHMAN
value. And at LEASURE TIME we are confident that the Jackie 0 coin will become Con tributing Editors
a highly sought-after and valuable coin . JAMES BAES, CLIVE McLEAN,
SUZE RANDALL , BOB VEZE
To prove our confidence, we're offering a guarantee to buy back your Jackie 0 Con tributing Photographers
coin . Each coin has been sequentially numbered and comes with a certificate reg- HARVEY SHAPIRO
Marketing Director
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So, whether you're a connoisseur of coins or just an enthusiastic novice, this is Advertising Director
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CYNTHIA JOHNSON
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HUSTLER Magazine is published monthly by
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written permission from the publisher. Any Similarity
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coincidental. All photos posed by professional models
except as otherwise noted. Ne1ther sa id photos.

I I II I nor word s used to describe them. are meant to depict

the ac tu al conduc t or personalities ol the models.
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 1977 VOL. 4 NO. 5
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 TICKLE YOUR TASTE

CHIC's recipe for a mouth-watering

men's mag starts with a heaping help-
I
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 iTATEME T

TI
s HUSTLER anti-Semitic? sume we're against handicapped people. prejudice. Ap parently, racial slurs are
That accusation has been leveled On many occasions in the past, I've OK if yo u present them in National
at me because I published a car- stated publicly that HUSTLER is taste- Lampoon, on NBC's Saturday Night or in
toon showing Chester the Molester less. This is an intentional part of our Screw magazine. To which I say, "Bullshit!"
luring a young girl, obviously Jewish, editorial format because tastelessness is a HUSTLER will continue to mock all
with a dollar bill (September 1977 necessary tool in challenging precon- minorities and ethnic groups in the same
issue). I would , of course, be less than ceived notions in an uptight world where way my staff and I mock ourselves. If we
honest if I didn't admit that the cartoon people are afraid to discuss their are not immune, why should anyone else
in question was meant to confront and attitudes, prejudices and misconceptions. be? And in case I still haven't made
shock and outrage the sensibilities of And as I have also stated (all too often), I myself clear on the subject of Jew-baiting
those people who pretend to be liber- believe that an open dialogue is the first in HUSTLER, let me state unequivocally
ated but feel threatened by ideas which step in digging our way out from beneath that I am against discrimination of any
don't fit the prescribed social mode. In the neurotic rubble left by years of repres- sort. Yes, I am aware that 6 million Jews
this instance, the thinking goes: In the sion. I have said all of this so many times were killed in Nazi-occupied Europe and,
past, Jews have been ridiculed by an ti- that I probably wouldn't have responded· yes, I am horrified that humanity is capa-
Semites; therefore all those who now to this latest barrage of criticism if one of ble of such brutalization. But most impor-
ridicule Jews are anti-Semitic. the complaints hadn't come from a person tant, I believe that such negative human
It can be easily demonstrated how I respect and admire. He questioned my attributes are fostered by the cloak of
obviously false this reasoning is. Ger- intent. silence and fear, which provides bigotry
mans, Italians and the Irish are not I think most of us can agree that a joke with a fertile breeding ground. Bigotry,
generally discriminated against, or cartoon poking fun at ethnic groups is once held up to the light in a free and
although the Germans are frequently harmless, regardless of content, provided healthy society, vanishes because it can-
mocked for being militaristic, the Ital- the intention is not malicious or racist. not stand close scrutiny.
ians for being Mafia and the Irish for Most people pride themselves on being Don't fear the loud, abrasive remarks.
tipping the bottle. Yet depictions of able to take a joke. You can call a man a Fear the silence.
such stereotypes in cartoons rarely Kraut, a Mick, a Wop or even a cheap
result in accusations of racism, and are Jew as long as he knows that the remark is
usually seen as a sign of acceptance of not hostile. But HUSTLER comes out
that ethnic group. If a person were really of the Midwest, and many Americans
prejudiced against a particular ethnic still harbor stereotypes about all mid-
group, he would in all probability remain westerners being bigots and red-necks .
silent! We have also been accused of When a midwesterner makes an ethnic
being tasteless for making fun of the slur, some people get uneasy, suspecting
handicapped, but it's ridiculous to as- the motivation. And that is a real form of Editor & Publisher

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 9
 NEVER AGAIN I a m writing to compliment you on the
When are you goi ng to take off you r shir t September 1977 Honey Hooker. Being a regu-
and show the world your swas tika, Flynt, lar H USTLE R reader and a fan of the
you filt hy piece of inferior gentile shit! By U niv ersi ty of Michigan, I enjoyed the car-
publishing two anti-Semitic car toons in th e toon a great d eal. HUSTLER a nd Mic hi gan
September HUSTLER alo ng wit h an anti- are number one !
black cartoon and a bigoted treatment of Cass Pie trykowskian
blacks in the Honey Hook er stri p, yo u have Hamtramck , Michigan
proven that you're a closet Naz i sw ine.
As a J ew, I found the cartoons depicting a For the benefit of our readers who don 't know,
little Jewish girl chasing a dollar and a there is a tradi tional rivalry between the Univer-
Hasidic J ew with an outsized nose pa te ntly sity of Michigan and Columbus' own Ohio State
offensive. I think sickening is a better word . I University. Some Michigan readers interpreted
felt the same about the black in the desert the Clayville State Browneyes in that strip as
reaching for th e su nglasses and the reference being the OSU Buckeyes, when actually they
to "watermelon" in the Honey Hooker strip. could ha ve represented any midwestern football
Yo u also took care to degrade the feminist power with a gap-too thed, sex- hating coach.
movemen t in the strip, leaving no minority
unturned -or uninsulted.
Anti-Semitism such as yours is rooted in COMING ATTRACTION~
the vile envy you hold for th e Jewish people I want to know who the hotbox was yo u
because so many of us have obtained wealth had sitting on the m ailbox in your advertise-
a nd stature in this country far beyo nd that ment for CHIC . Is there any chance of
of the inferior gentile population. J ews are seeing her in the pink ?
genetically more intellige nt, more as tute and D.M.
more am bi tious tha n non-Jews. And our in- Fullerton, California
flu ence in this co untry is ve ry strong,
especially in the radio, tt:l evision, motion The model you are referring to also appeared on
picture and publishing indu stries . Look at the cover of H US TL ER's January 79 77 issue.
the large proportion of actors, co media ns, We ha ve no immediate plans to feature her in a
singers, auth ors, producers, direc tors and photo layout, bu t that sta tus could change
edito rs who are J ewish . We can make and because of requests like yours.
break people in these in du stries. Assaults on
the Jewish people can get yo ur publication
buried a lot faster than any obsce nity su it. In the past, HUSTLER, yo u pro mised
Sam uel Markam pict ures of super-h a iry beavers, legs, a rm s,
San Anto nio, Texas etc. All I can say is that you were full of
crap, for not one has been show n to date.
Come on, quit lying to you r public an d show
·T he Chester the Molester cartoon in th e Sep- some hairy women. I really groove on them!
tember 1977 issue of H USTLE R was ve ry There have bee n some good ones in Bea ver
distasteful an d very d egrading to anyone of Hunt, but the photos are too d amned small.
the Jewish religion. Let's see yo u put a joke Please run them la rge enough so yo u can
in abo ut the Christians . I wou ld like to see really see a ll of the hair.
you apologize to all the Jewish people who Also, I wou ld like to see better models for
read yo ur magazine, a nd I wou ld like to see yo u r photo sp read s. Too many of yo ur
you out of the business. models have bee n used so much they look
N arne and Address like 500 miles of dirt road.
Withheld by R eques t J. E. Pearson
Chicago, Illinois
This su bject is discussed in this month 's State-
ment on page 9.
HUSTLER is a great magazine. Keep up
the good work, you guys ! You've always
TASTE OF HONEY managed to show great creativity in your
T he pho tos in HUSTLER are very well selection of models and the settings they
done, but the cartoons are put together by pose in . One special request : H ow about
so me ve ry sick people. All this need to show some pho to spreads of older women?
blood , amputation, etc ., can o nly come from N arne and Address
some very sad istic ind ividuals. And the need Withheld by Requ est
to show Arabs an d J ews in the August 1977
Honey Hooker reac hes a new low in poor As always, we at HUSTLER take reader
judgme n t. I think you owe yo ur readers an requests seriously. In the works are photo layouts
apology for incl uding such filth in your featuring a "go lden oldie " and a hairy woman.
magazine . Look for them in upcoming issues, alo ng with a
N arne and Address few other models guaranteed to blow your mind
Withheld by R eq uest as only HUSTLER knows how.

HU STLER NOVEMBER 11
 CHEERS! MIXING IT UP hung. I have found that black men are not
I write concerning the recent, interesting You have stated that you would run nude hung longer but, rather, wi der.
article on wines by Ti m Conaway, photos of Jimmy Carter's wife Rosalynn if I am small (5'1 ", 90 lbs. ), with blonde .
"HUSTLER's Biased Guide to Ver'y Cheap you had them. I think they wou ld be pretty hair, blue eyes and very light skin . The con-
Wines." difficult to get, so why not show something trast of black skin against my white body is
Granted , America needs a guide to very that would be a lot more erotic- the lovely not only beautiful, but a turn-on as well.
cheap wines ; but why don ' t you run it in a body of Didi Ansett, now Mrs. Bill Russell. I And looking down to see my black man
25-cent pamphlet instead of a $2.25 glossy would pay $10 for your magazine if you had pound~ng his black dick into my blonde
that a bu m cannot afford ? For that matter, a pis play of Didi and her tall black husband . pussy is enough to make me come.
why don' t you run it in a pamphlet a free- If there is anything that turns me on it is the HUSTLER, please run more pictorials of
lance wine writer can afford? Better yet, picture of a lovely, naked white chi ck in the mixed couples, especially black men and
send me a freebie of your next one. arms of a naked black man. white women . Although there are a lot of
I'am glad Conaway gave so me time to the Also, do you think you could get a shot of people out there who don 't appreciate blacks
sad case of these burnt-out folks; believe me, Wilt Chamberlain and his blonde live-in and whites together, I'm sure there are a lot
I love the wine business, but I can tell maid in the altogether? Last summer I saw a who would.
already which of my colleagues will be join- " black in white" porno movie in which a Name Withheld by Request
ing Chicago's Madison Street crowd. Pity. basketball player's wife falls for two black Mt. Holly, New Jersey
I don 't know where Conaway read that players on his team. By the time they've
there ar e "no chemicals in California finished with her, she's driving off into the
wines." I believe there are a number of su nset with her two black lovers . I once went out with a black chick who
chemical additives permitted in California "B lack in white" is what turns me on, so made me erupt cum like a volcano. Now,
wines. In addition, federal law allows that please try to get a centerfold of Bill and Didi whenever I see some dusky-skinned fox I get
sugar and water can be up to 35 percent of and show me your magazine has something so curious thinking about what her pussy
the final wine product, although California for everybody. looks like I can hardly stand it. Why not run
disallows the use of both except in rare Cbam Inger some black beaver for a change?
cases. Woodinville, Washington The guys I work with agree with me . We
Again, I found the article quite interest- demand equal-opportunity erotica! Haven't
ing and the approach refreshing. you heard black is beautiful ? Look around
Patrick W . Fegan I've been an avid HUSTLER reader for you! There are plenty of brown-sugar foxes
Wine Editor, Chicago some time now and felt I shou ld add my who would look terrific in HUSTLER .
Chicago, Illinois two-cents worth on the controversial subject Name Withheld by Request
of blacks and whites mixing sexually. Chicago, Illinois
Federal regulations state that nothing can be I have a passion for black men. However,
added to or subtracted from a wine which changes I'm as picky in choosi ng a black partner as I Obviously you missed our black Honey, Naomi
its basic natural state. Chemicals are used in the am in choosing a white one. Whatever his (August 79 76 issue), who raised the point that
screening and storage processes, but the residual, color, the man must be in good shape: The "it 's all pink on the inside." Raquel, featured in
if any, is so minute as to be inconsequential. attraction isn' t the myth that black men are our January 79 77 issue, also supported that
claim. Watch for more black foxes in Beaver
Hunt as well as interracial sex in upc~ming
HUSTLER photo features.

PINK WITH RAGE

I don't know who the shithead is who
wrote your scathing review of Club Qyest
(August 1977 issue), but I wish he' d carry on
his feuds without dragging an entire
minority group into his cesspool with him.
Obviously the jerk is still living in the last
century, and still thinks of gay men as limp-
wristed and so on. His shrill and babyish
attack on one magazine turned into a very
childish attack on all gays. What for? So
that he could "offend" one editor for darin g
to enlarge the scope of his maga'z ine?
Obviously the reviewer thinks that male
homosexuals are less than men . Well, per-
sonally, I'd like to meet this "real man ."
He's most likely some creep who is con-
vinced that all "fairies" are after his ugly,
aging body. A wimp like him wou.ld never
have the guts to show up at one of our meet-
ings. He might find out that a man is a man
no matter what sex he sleeps with.
Bill Sc hoell
Media Chairman
Gay Activists Alliance
New York, New York

I'm a 33-year-old gay male. I want very

much to thank yo u, Larry, for the stand you
12 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 I have checked _ _ watch(es) year
@ $59.95 each. Please Include
P. 0. Box 2206 • Columbus, Ohio 43216 __metal band(s) @ $5 each, Money order and credit card purc hases will be shi pped
and the message I selected. in 5 wo rking days or less. Al l ord ers are discreetly
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Enclosed is my o c heck o money order (cash not accepted), _ _ "I LOVE YOU"
or c harge to my o VISA o MC: _ _"YOUR PLACE OR MINE"
TOTAL $. _ __

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took on gay rights (Statement, July 1977 nosed out Reader's Digest for th e number 10 After you had the balls to mention the " psy-
issue). spot in circulation . We wish you continued chological trauma that occurs when a mu ff-
T h is "Save O ur Children" stuff that suc cess in your climb to th e top. It is only a diver, with his tastebuds set for tw at,
Anita Bryant is pushing is a crock of shit! I matter of tim e before you edge out Playboy encounters a cunt with the odor and flav or
don't want to recruit anyone's c hildren. I an d Penthouse, which we no longer read . of fr es h mint" in that issue's Sex Play, you
just want to be free from harassment and In refer ence to your Statement dealing give us a noseful of sachet and flower s.
disc rimin ation-whic h I have not been ! It wi th gay rights, we are in complete agree- From now on, when I spend money to
takes a special person to understand the ment. Alt hough none of us has homosexu a l smell cunt I'll get th e real thing. If I want to
plight of gays, an d you certainly have a lot of preferences, we sti ll believe in the right of smell lilacs, I'll sniff grandmother's purse.
love in your heart fo r all human ity. This every citizen to live his or her life exactly as N arne and Address
Bryant bi tch is as sick as the day is long. If they deem proper for themselves . W e praise Withheld by Request
you have a cha nce, ja b her again for me. yo ur efforts and hope that HUSTLER will
In your Statement you mentio ned that co ntinue to speak out on behalf of human
HUSTLER is basic~lly a straight pu b lica- rig hts for everyo ne on this plane t. Although I'm not much on women's lib
tion , but be aware that even in a nickel-beer Russell L. Bonine and haven' t burned my 32DD bra, I'd like
town like Pitts burgh your gay readership is Scarlett Y. Sanders to see a little fa irn ess in your maga zine.
quite high. We often discuss HUSTLER Betty J. Legau x After Scratch ' n' Sniff for the guys, why not
when shooting the shi t at the local gay bar. Willie J. Tate a Peel ' n' Feel for us girls? H ere' s how it
We gay boys have truly e nj oyed your R onald L. Legaux co uld be done : run a picture of Larry wi th a
features on pube shaving. We've been shav- San Diego, California pop-up prick, the way they do in pop-up
ing our crotches for years. It's a real turn-on . greeting card s. Wow, what a gree ting that
H ow a bout some more pictures of shaved wou ld be!
males, or maybe a special gay fe ature every AIRING AN OPINION N a rn e and Address
mon th ? Better yet, why not a separa te pub- W e'd like to thank you and your staff for Withheld by R equ est
lication for gays? the enjoyment yo ur Scratch ' n' Sniff issue
Paul M. (August 1977) provided for the members of
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Pha se II A, Branch Officers Advan ce CENS ORS HIP SUCKS!
Course, USAR School, even though two received a letter from the Customs
Th ere is already an ex tremely good gay magazine members rubbed warts and sores onto their Office here in Ottawa saying tha t they were
on the market, Blue boy. You may ha ve had trou- tongues. We're waiting for a Lick 'n' Taste holdin g my August issue of HUSTLE R
ble finding it on your local newsstand, but that issue and- ultimately-a Bite 'n' Chew. because it had been classified " immoral or
problem is expected to be overcome soon. Names Withheld by R equest indecent." I went to the Customs Office and
Fort Bliss, Te xas after a lot of hollering they let me in to see
the guy who wrote the letter.
We have been readers of HUSTLER H e was a very ignorant, sarcastic son of a
since the beginning and were pleased to note Your Scratch ' n' Sniff centerfold was a big bitch and I was in a real nasty mood. You
in a recen t iss ue of Players that yo u have letdown to every snatch-snorter I know. never cross a cowboy from Texas if you want
to stay alive. I tol"d him it was a federal
offense to steal U .S. mail, but he just
laughed and said that that law didn't apply
in Ca nada.
When I told him it was a violation of my
human rights, he said the government can
do anything it wants and there is nothing I
can do about it.
He said HUSTLER is banned in Canada
and that Larry Flynt didn't give a damn if I

'llf' _ _
•• _. ......,...,..
r#EY PAINr got my magazine just as long as he got his
money. I told him he was a liar.
, fj ·~ . II{£SE WA/..J.!, When I saw I wasn't getting anywhere
.. • c.
10 S'IOP MY P£N with the son of a bitch, I told him I wa:s gon-
;l)il< I> ' · .. na kick his head in . He got scared and
:'il(yJI'
6 c.
.. Bur THE. apologized to me, saying that he had orders
5HifltOU~E POET/
\Oo

.. 5~
..
H AS Sii(UCI( AGAIN•
from the Canadian government to check all
the mail from the States for HUSTLER

I
J\( I ' :·
)J •
because they don't want it in Canada. H e
told me he was holdi ng about 120 copies .
·:.... My subscription is paid up until June
- --
:· 1978, so if y'all have any ideas on what we
can do about this, please let me know. Don't
se nd my HUSTLER until we get this thing
cleared up.
I don't want to go to jail for murder, and
if they kee p anything else on me I'rh gonna
kill somebody.
T ex McHugh
Ottawa, Ontario

To prevent such confiscation, we are now sending

HUSTLER into Canada in unmarked
envelopes. If you still have trouble getting your
11-/ANX GOES ro L.8RU84KE~) PT. AR7H'U,f. Tx. )
copies, however, please let us know.W
14 NOVEM BER HUSTLER
 Sex Bits
WORLD SEX NEWS ROUNDUP
u@50@5u©~D~(QJ
40 West Gay Street
Columbus, Ohio 43215

Elizabeth Candon, the head of Vermont's Human Services Agency, is also a Roman
Catholic nun. Sister Elizabeth has publicly taken the state and federal governments
to task for refusing public funds to poor women seeking abortions. As a result, she has
been threatened with Church discipline and publicly rebuked by her bishop, the Reverend
John Marshall.
Bishop Marshall, writing in a local Catholic publication, said: Sister Elizabeth's
"viewpoint is neither approved nor even tolerated in any manner whatsoever by the bishop
of the diocese." The bishop further remarked: "She ... should understand that these free-
will decisions can place her outside the sacramental life of the Roman Catholic Church
and deprive her of her good standing as a member of a religious community."

A group of well-known feminists, meeting at the New York home of author Susan Brown-
miller, has announced trat certain of its members will be joining forces with anti-smut
zealots in seeking to curb pornography. HUSTLER was singled out for special attention
by the women, who allege that men's magazines, as well as moyies and record album covers,
portray women in an unflattering light.
Brownmiller, who was the subject of an unflattering article appearing in the May
1976 issue of HUSTLER, was quoted as saying: "I don't have to draw the line. But I can
tell you that HUSTLER and Snuff are beyond it."
Coincidentally, two other feminists who attended the meeting have received editorial
rough treatment in these pages. Gloria Steinem, editor of M£. magazine, was exposed as a
former CIA flunky in the June 1977 issue of HUSTLER. She has admitted acting for the
CIA from 195~ to 1962, during which time she helped the agency to manipulate students
for intelligence purposes. Also present at the meeting was Shere Hite, author of the
Hite Report. HUSTLER Associate Editor Tim Conaway published an irreverent rebuttal to
Hite 1 s book in our April 1977 issue. Accompanying that article was a series of pictures
taken of Hite during her days as a porno model.

In the aftermath of her successful anti-homosexual crusade, Anita Bryant seems to be

more popular than ever. The Florida Citrus Commission, which has employed Bryant as its
advertising spokesperson in the past, has concluded that she still seems to be selling
orange juice.
A citrus boycott threatened by gay rights activists has apparently had little or no
impact upon orange juice sales. Even so, members of the commission say that they will
be alertly watching sales figures, and that a successful boycott by large numbers of
people will receive their attention.

Dr. Robert Solnick, a Los Angeles-based psychologist who specializes in problems of

the aging, says older men can easily improve their sexual performance--all it takes is a
little imagination.
Dr. Solnick .believes that there is a positive connection between a strong sexual
fantasy life and sexual performance in older men. In other words, he believes that think-
ing dirty is liable to help men over middle age to maintain a full and active sexual life.
By using pornography to stimulate the erotic interest in a group of volunteer test sub-
jects, Solnick says that he was able to help the men cast off the repression which was
keeping them from finding satisfaction in the bedroom.
Furthermore, reports Dr. Solnick, by gett~ng the men interested in erotic movies,
books, pictures and slides, he was able to inspire them to become as sexually responsive
as men years younger would be. Solnick says that it is not actually necessary to have
great numbers of sexual experiences. The key to improved performance is simply keeping
an open mind. "What's important," he concludes, "is that fantasizing itself can be the
solution."w
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 15
 T

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Advise & Consent is a reader-oriented column de- What do I have to do to get a piece of her I don't have an overabundance of hair on
signed to provide answers to sexual questions regard- ass? I'm on the verge of raping her. Is that
my legs and don't usually have to shave very
ing fetishes, hang-ups or other problems of a personal the only solution? often. My pubic patch, however, is thick and
nature. This column is solely an educational feature c. K.
bushy, and a few black hairs stick out of my
and is not intended to replace the advice and care of a Cheyenne, Wyoming bikini . I hate shaving around my sensitive
doctor. If you would like to question H USTLER about genital area because the razor irritates the
Raping her would probably create more problems skin and often causes a rash. I've even tried
whatever subject may be on your mind, direct your in-
quiry to HUSTLER Maga<,ine, Advise & Consent for you. Besides, it's against the law. Apparently chemical hair removers, but they don't work
Editor, 40 West Gay Street, Columbus, Ohio 43215.you and your girlfriend are not looking for the very well either. Could I get away with let-
same type of relationship. You didn 't say how ting the hairs stick out? I've seen only one
Edited by Susi Green close your relationship is or how openly you com- woman do this, so I don't know whether it's
I'm an attractive 28-year-old woman municate. But ifyou can talk to her honestly, tell a common practice or not. Men have hair
despite being "overweight" according to the her how you feeL There are many possible reasons sticking out all over their bodies, so why not
standard charts. I don't consider my weight for her actions. She may consider you a friend and a little hair on women ? Would it make me
a problem, but unfortunately other people a welcome relief from her nightly wrestling look cheap?
do. My friends are always saying that with matches with other guys. She may merely enjoy C. H.
my pretty face I could be really attractive if I your company, and the thought of a sexual rela- Englewood, Ohio
would reduce. Most men apparently feel the tionship with you has never crossed her mind.
same way, because few of them bother to You might also reconsider your own feelings. If As bikinis get briefer, more and more women are
look past my body to see if they like the per- you enjoy your relationship and would like to faced with the problem of peeking pubes, and
son inside. I don't think there are any laws continue on a nonsexual basis, find a new there is no definite, universal solution. Some
that say a person can't be pretty and heavy girlfriend and maintain the first girl as a friend. women accept their unruly hair as a natural part
at the same time. If you aren't interested in continuing your rela- of their body and feel no embarrassment about it.
As a teenager I struggled with enough tionship unless you get a piece of ass, tell her. Others feel self-conscious and continue to shave or
diets to fill ten books and finally gave up and Most importa nt, let her know how you feel, find use chemical hair removers. Some may find an over-
learned to accept and like myself- all of out how she feels, and decide from there. flowing bush cheap; others may find it sexy.
myself. I've always been heavy and feel that Ra;::,or irritation near the pubic area may even
it's just the real, natural me. Thanks to the seem cheaper-looking than hair to still others.
media, it seems that most men have become Every summer when I go swimming You obvtously can 't please everyone, so you must
oriented toward a "broomstick society" in have to shave my legs and trim my snatch. base your decision on how you feel.
which "beautiful" women look lik-e coat-
racks with false eyelashes. I feel alone in my
battle against the world, but I know I
shouldn' t be. Can you give me any advice
about how to find people who share my feel-
ings? I'm usually optimistic, but I'm finding
it increasingly difficult to keep my chins up.
B.F.W.
Milan, Missouri

The National Association to Aid Fat Americans,

Inc., may be just what you're looking for. A non-
profit organi;::,ation, NAAFA works toward in-
creasing the happiness and well-being of over-
weight people. Even though not all members are
heavy, all share the sentiment that everyone has a
right to happiness and dignity regardless of a per-
son 's si;::,e. In addition to trying to improve condi-
tions for overweight people in all aspects of life-
including public transportation, employment
opportunities, clothing availability, etc. - the
group provides many services and also sponsors
social activities for its members. For more infor-
mation and a membership application, write to :
NAAFA , Box 132, Ossining, New York 10562.

I'm 21 and have been dating a 20-year-

old girl for over a year, but I can't under-
stand her. For instance, I take her out on the
town and when it comes time to call it quits,
she says it was a great evening, kisses me
good-night, and that's t\lat. But she goes to a
local bar with her friends and screws almost "Jump suit my ass! Admit it, Harry ... You're a pervert."
any guy who asks-the first time ·he asks.

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 17
 Ifyou decide to continue shaving, however, you a pretty lady - you have nothing to worry about. mality is causing this protrusion. Torn muscles or
may be able to eliminate-or at least reduce-the a large uterine cyst can cause an unusually large
irritation by using a lotion or cream (b aby lotion stomach. If there is no physical problem, continue
is perfect) rather than sha ving cream or soap. Is it true that you can have sex with a girl to diet and exercise, concentrating on activities
Always use a safety ra~or with a new blade for seven days before her period and seven days that tighten the abdominal muscles. If when you
the fastest and closest shave. It will reduce the after without getting her pregnant ? reach your normal weight the bulge persists
number of strokes required for a clean sha ve, and S. B. despite exercise, then the bulge is probably normal
hence less irritation. Newark, Delaware for you and cannot be eliminated. Remember,
Depilatory creams are not recommended for use women's abdominal muscles are more flexib le
in the pubic area because they contain harsh No! You are talking about a simplified version of and are not as strong as men 's. This allows the
chemicals that can cause burning if they come in the rhythm method of birth control, which has a f emale body to accommodate a child during preg-
contact with the sensitive area inside the vaginal high failure rate. Each woman 's menstrual and nancy. Thus, almost all women have at least a
lips. If, however, you insist on using such creams, ovulation cycle is different, and "safe" days for slight abdominal bulge.
it is advisab le to protect the tender areas with a a woman must be determined individually,
thick coat of cold cream before applying the hair preferably by her gynecologist. Also, more than
remover. one ovum can mature during any one cycle. The I'm a 23-year-old male virgin. When any-
Rest assured that regardless of the direction rhythm method, even when monitored by a one finds this out, they put me down and
you choose to take, you will not be alone. There physician, is still unreliable because ovulation make a fuss to the point where I feel like two
are just as many women letting it all hang out as can occur at any time -and there have even been cents. I keep saying I'm no t the only one,
there are shaving it. some cases of a woman becoming pregnant during and that's the only excuse I can think of.
her period. Limiting sexual acti11ity to seven days How should I deal with people who make
before and after menstruation may decrease the fun of me ? I want a relationship with a
What is wrong with a man who can only chances of her becoming pregnant, but it's still a female, but I am shy in a way and don 't
get a hard-on by being in bed with a pretty gamble-and the odds are against you. know how to make the proper approach or
lady? No amount of X-rated movies or sexy pass, or whatever. I really don't want to be a
pictures will get it up for me, not even the virgin, but until I can change the situation I
beautiful girls in HUSTLER. Is there some- I'm a tall, thin female, but I have a big don' t know how to deal with the people who
thing wrong with me? It may sound like a stomach. I' ve been dieting and exercising, laugh at me.
silly question but I 'm serious. but nothing seems to help. I've been doing a J. A.
c. c. hundred sit-ups a day for two months with Weirton, West Virginia
Prescott, Arizona no significant results. Is there anything I can
do about this problem? Dealing with those who laugh at you is simple:
There's nothing wrong with you. No tw o persons T .Y. Don't tell them you 're a virgin. If someone who
are alike, and everyone reacts differently to Washington Crossing, Pennsylvania already knows brings up the subject, a sly grin on
different types of stimu lation. As long as your your part can end the conversation by making it
cock still reacts properly to what you enjoy most- First you shou ld fin d out if a physical abnor- clear that you don't in tend to pursue the subject.
T heir imaginations can take over from there. It
appears, though, that your real problem lies in
being a virgin and not wanting to be one.
Protracted virginity is uncommon in our society
today and may indicate insecurity or feelings of
inadequacy that must be resolved. Shyness is a
fairly common problem, esp~cially in adolescence,
and is usually outgrown in early adulthood. Bu t
if these problems continue to hold you back from
sharing a sexual relationship witlr a member of
the opposite sex, a doctor or clinic may help you
become more self-confident and secure.

I'm a weird female . I've been going to

psychiatrists for years. When I was 9, I
began having intercourse with older men
and eventually with older women. Then bot-
tles, cucumbers, even legs of chairs . I have
an enormous pussy that can take objects up
to 20 inches long and 5 inches wide. My
labias hang abo ut 3 inches. I can't get
satisfied anymore. Last summer I got in-
vo lved with my uncle's horse. I still love men
and want to get involved with them agai n.
What should I do?
S.D . F.
Newton, Massachusetts

You should continue to see your psychiatrist, since

your problem seems to involve adjusting emo-
tionally to normal heterosexual activity. The si~e
of a pussy is flexible and will, to a certain extent,
"But, Sarge. It's all he remembers . ... " adjust to what is inserted in it-be it man or
beast. A pussy that is actually stretched too large
18 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 can be surgically corrected. First, though, it will you're getting your money's worth, find a doctor
be necessary for the mind to adjust. who will give you what you pay for.

I recently went to my gynecologist for my I was a virgin when I met my fiance two
annual checkup and Pap . He said that I years ago, and until then I never had any
have trichomonas. Is it a form of VD? The health problems. Soon after we started living
doctor said no, but some articles I've read together (right after we met), I found out I
say it is. had a urin ary- tract infection. Since then I've
S.Q had the same kind of infection almost con-
San Fernando, California stantly-except for six months, wh en my
fiance was overseas. My infection cleared up
Trichomonas is caused by tiny, one-celled shortly after he left, and I had no problems
animals that live on the surface of the vaginal whi le he was gone . He came back about a
membranes. There is a great deal of controversy month ago, and now I have the infection
as to whether or not the malady is venereal at all. again. Could he be carrying some kind of
In most instances trichomonas is indeed trans- disease without knowing it, or am I allergic
mitted sexually, but it is also possible to contract to something in his body chemistry?
the organism in a swimming pool or bathtub. B.W.
Treatment is usually simple but-as shown in Wichita, Kan sas
the following case -reinfection can result if spe-
cial care is not taken. You can quit worrying-you're not allergic to
him, nor is he carrying some strange disease.
Yours is a common problem and is caused by nor-
ancient secrets discovered ... I have always been a perfectly healthy mal sex. Bacteria could be introduced into your
fsaparilla
ew herbs have seen such a shift in reputation as sar-
. American Indian medicine men once cured physi-
woman until about seven months ago, when urethra while he's stimulating your clitoris. Also,
cal and sexual debility with it. In the 1800s sarsaparilla be- I was diagnosed as having trichomonas or a your bladder, urethra or vulva could become irri-
came a national craze when it wa s used as a spring tonic . yeast infection. Since then I have spent more tated during sex. Some women are more suscepti-
Then . in 1939 scientists found the secret of its power. than $200 on medical expenses, all of which ble to such irritation than others because, al-
Sarsaparilla is one of the lew natural sources of testos-
terone , the male hormone . A high testosterone level in the have proved worthless. I am really at the end though they've all got the same parts, women are
body promotes sex ual potency . Sarsa parilla is only one of my rope. In addition to the physical pain all put together a little differently. You can de-
of the reasons Wilmont Herbal Blend makes a man into a
stud . Here are some more facts :
my ailment has caused, it has nearly nul- crease your chances of getting these infections by
lified my sex life. How can I get myself back urinating as soon as possible after sex-and also
( ) What is Wilmont Herbal Blend lor the Stud? to normal ? Does my boyfriend's history of by taking a bath or shower before and after sex.
' A. It 's 100 % pure herb power! A stimulating mix
of powdered damiana leaves , sarsaparilla root and kola nut. prostate infection have any bearing on my This cuts down the number of bacteria that are
illness ? What can I do ? just waiting for a chance to sneak into your body
(). How does it work ? H . S. and do their dirty work.
A. In three ways . Sarsaparilla root increase s hor-
mone levels . Oamiana is a mild euphoric , a reputed aphro- Shell Rock , Iowa
disiac , and a tonic tor the sex organ s. Kola nut reduce s the
energy requirements of the nervous and muscular systems First I should tell you that I have never
by promoting combustion of fats and carbohydrates .
First you should find out whether yo u have
trichomonas or a yeast infection, because the been an exercise or sports freak. My new
(), Why should I take Wilmont Herbal Blend? treatments for the two maladies are totally girlfriend is, though . We're planning to
A. The peak sexuality age lor men is 18 to 20 . Aft er move in together soo n, and she insists that I
that our bodies produce smatter quantities of hormones.
different. You didn't mention in your letter
Di sease , radical surgery , trauma , and the side effects ot whether your boyfriend is receiving treatment. If get a bicycle and ride with her at least an
variou s drugs can also cause circulatory ills which int er- you do have trichomonas or a yeast infection that hour every day . She rides all the time . She
fere with normal se xual function . Wilmont Herbal Blend
cleans and strengthens the urinary and sexual tracts so men ca n carry too (and he is not being treated), swears that bicycling improves one's sex life,
welt that many cus tomer s tell us they achieve bigger , then that is the crux of your problem. and says she even read something about it
hard er , prolonged erections with regular use . Other bene- once. I 'm willing to rid e wit h her if it will
fits are a higher energy level and increased sexual vitality .
A !though men seldom show any symptoms of
trichomonas or yeast infection, they can and do make her happy, but I think she's full of shit

~
(), How long does it take? contract the ailments and can infect their sex about its improving one's sex life. Have you
A. Herbs . like vitamins , take a ever heard anyth ing like that ?
little time to work their wonders . Most
partners. When a woman is found to have one of
men start feeling a rene wed sexual these diseases, the doctor usually questions her D. F.
vigor after 30 to 60 days . Ther e- regarding her sex life and prescribes treatment for Toronto, Ohio
alter . continued . regular use of .d J"lt:; .
Wilmont Herbal Blend witt maintain the V - f both her and her lo ver. If your doctor has ne-
h~e~~~exua~ergy~---~~ __ glected to do so, talk to him about it. Without
treatment, your lover will continue to reinJect you.
She's right. A !though bicycling is not directly
related to your sex life, any kind of exercise
VILM()NT -= - It is unlikely that your lover's history of pros-
tate infection is causing your problem. But if you
improves it to a certain extent. Bicycling is one of
the best exercises because it achieves the same
tf.Q~DUCT3 have not discussed this possibility with your doc- results with much less effort than, for instance,
8831 Sun set Bt ., Su ite 300 tor, it would be a good idea to do so. If your jogging. Circulation is the key, and even though
l os An geles, CA 90069
Ptease send Oso
caps ul es $8 .95 0 180 capsul es S1 9 95 boyfriend's prostate is bothering him, he should you're not exerting great effort and may not even
Calli . res. add 6 % sates tax . 0 FREE Adult Cata log be examined too. be breathing hard, your blood is moving faster all
NAME - - - - - - -- - - AGE _ _ _ If yo u have been seeing only one doctor and you through your body. You are more or less "cleaning
ADDRESS _ _ _~----------
CITY - - - - - STATE - - - - ZI P _ _ _
are not satisfied with his handling of the case, out" your bloodstream and are burning off the
SIGNATURE _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ __ ___ change doctors. Find one with whom you feel waste products in your body much faster than
charge to my 0 BA 0 MC : co mfortable and secure, and with whom you can usual. If you don 't burn off these wastes fast
1111 1111 1 1 communicate more easily. Have your present doc- enough, they decrease your body 's efficiency and
'"•••~>•"• ~ 1 1111 1 l •o 011~ 1mo 1year 1 tor turn your medical records over to the doctor make yo u sluggish. Bicycling also limbers up your
For Mastercharge-V1sa . Bankamencard -V1sa. or C 0 D Shipments you've chosen. While it's important to find one muscles, especially those in your back and legs, so
CALL TOLL-FREE 800 ·421·0428 doctor and stick wit h him, remember that you fucking in long stretches is much less tiring. So
We've been satis fying customers for over three year s.
are paying him for helping you. If yo u don't feel start pedaling!~

20 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 ver since he used the again, it could be in reference to

E Arthur Godfrey Show to

inflict himself on our
consciousness, Pat Boone has
the time he enlivened chapel ser-
vice at David Lipscomb High by
passing a bag of shit down a row
been a symbol of American of worshipers. As the story goes,
purity. Clean-cut. Wholesome. when the bag reached its
Chaste . Boring. While Elvis intended target-sitting at the
Presley caused American end of the pew-the victim
parents to gasp at the openly tossed it out an open window,
sexual message of his music, and the bag splattered on the
Pat's own apparent asexuality sidewalk for all to see when ser-
offered them reassurance. Pat vices ended. That's not a bad
clearly possesses old-fashioned move for a guy who lets words
American values. He is a good such as love, respect and God roll
Christian. He is a family man . from his lips like jism from a
He is du ll . . . Or is he? whore's mouth.
In the years since Pat first or were these the only
sang "Tutti Frutti," America
has experienced a sexual revo-
lution which appears to have
N "moral and ethical
emergencies" Boone had
to face . How can you tell if
struck at the very heart of Pat's you're really in love, Boone asks
values. To the public at large, rhetorically as he comes up
chastity and abstinence have with some "tips that may help
become ne ither desirable nor
realistic. And those who persist
in preaching sexual avoidance
are perceived as either emotion-
ally stunted or barefaced
hypocrites . Yet Pat-like a
ASSHOLE
OF THE MONTH
you through those intoxicating,
exciting, but so confusin' first
dating days." Talk about con-
fusin', it seems that Shirley was
not the only girl in Boone's
"intoxicating" teenage life.
refugee from a land that time Friends who knew him back
forgot-continu es to embrace Chri s tian Anti - Communi s t espoused in his book and by the then still talk about his
the philosophy of guilt and sex- Crusade. He even went so far as CDL? Could it be that he's romance with a lithe young
ual repression. to make an appearance at a actually preaching to himself in mare. We may never know the
In his book, Between You, Me Madison Square Garden rally, an attempt to deal with sins he depth of their passion . But it is
and th e Gatep ost , Pat ask s, sponsored by Schwarz, that feels he committed when he was said that when the horse saw
" Don't you feel a little guilty promoted book burnings and the darling of David Lipscomb Boone coming, it would
when somebody catches you witch-hunts under the guise of High School in Nashville, Ten- automatically head for the
looking at one of those fold -out anticommunism. nessee? If so, the censorship Pat barn, where Boone and his
pictures in the 'men's maga- Since communism has fallen espouses can be seen as a reflec- friends would have their way
zines' ? .. . Don ' t you hesitate out of favor as an excuse for tion of his own attempt to block with her. With memories like
to mention that you saw 'I Was abating the First Amendment, out memories of youthful indis- that, Boone's statement that
a Teenage Sexpot' at th e the freakishly wholesome-look- cretion. Or it could denote a fear you have to be "your own cen-
movies last night ? I hope you ing singer has more recently of having his past exposed. sor" takes on new meaning.
hesitate, and blush, and feel taken up with Charles Keating's In his book, Pat says the most We're sure it's no surprise to
guilty .. . if so, there's still hope porn- hating, C leveland- based important and dramatic prob- you that rotten eggs can be
for ya! " Perhaps. But there may Citizens for Decency Through lems today "are the moral and found in a show about Snow
not be any hop e for Pat. Law (CDL). Pushing censorship ethical emergencies that face us White or that being a celebrity
(Especially when birth record s with the same fervor that he uses as we start through the teens. doesn't give a person the right
show that his first child was to hustle acne cream on televi- These demand more difficult to dictate morality or anything
born seven months, three· weeks sion, Pat's contribution to the decisions." Who should know else. Not that we necessarily
after his marriage to Shirley CDL has been generous enough better? According to people who think that Boone's youthful
Foley , daught er of country to earn him an honorary mem- knew him as a teenager, some of horsing around W'!-S all that
singer Red Foley-leading us to bership. Even so, we might not Pat's own decision making had bad . It just busts our gut that
believe that he was in fact have a quarrel with Pat if his to do with whether or not to the man held up as the
forced to marry her. ) public stance were not so laced drive downtown to toss bags of stereotype of everything that's
Like most spokesmen for with hypocrisy. shit at the local Krystal ham- virtuous and right couldn't shit

W
continued sexual repression, hy would Pat Boone (or burger stand. his way out of a paper bag.
Pat is in favor of censorship. anyone) want to promote "I goofed so many times, it' s a So Boone may not be as lily-
In the early '60s, Pat aligned such unhealthy, intellec- wonder I'm anybody at all," Pat white as we once thought. But
himself with Dr. Frederic k tually crippling views to the explains, perhaps in reference to one thing hasn ' t changed : He' s
Schwarz's rabidly right-wing youth of America as those his shit-slinging escapades. Then still boring.

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 21
 BARBARA
UPDATE BARRY
WALTERS
AT HOlME?
REID
August, 1977
Fal se id e n tifi c a -
tion , a trick y en-
deavo r which we
presented in our Profile of Ba rry
Reid, is the subj ec t of several
bills pending in Congress a t this
writing. (R eid is th e publisher
of num erous books co ncern ing
the proc urement a nd use of
false ID s.)
The legislation, if passed ,
would make it illegal to use
fa lse in fo rm a ti o n t o ga in
passports, Social Sec urity cards
and other types of fed eral ID. It
would also stem th e fl ow of
false -ID ma teria l, since the use
of the mail or other inters tate
We feel sorry for HUSTLER's boo bs. And when he hasn't Exec utive Editor Bruce David
facilities to send fa lse inform a-
Managing Editor Jim H einisc h, bee n la id in a while, he has with the rum or th a t this is a pic-
ti on to state and local agencies
since on those rare occasions di ffi culty ex plaining th e stiff ture of his sec ret girlfriend, bu t
to obtain fa lse driver's licenses
wh en he convinces a chick to go sta ins on his pillowcase. Jim's he just lowered his eyes an d
or birth certificat es would a lso
hom e wi th him , his wh ole world p redi cam e nt d oes ha ve an took an extra-long drag on his
be against the law.
turn s upside down. J im has adva ntage, however, since he ciga rette. Althea onl y licked her
Much of th e legisla ti on is
sto p pe d bein g e mb a r rasse d ca n give head to two chi cks at li ps and se nt us away . And the
based on the Federa l Ad visory
about girls dropping to their once, althou gh so far he's only res t of the staff gave us iden-
Committee on False Identifi ca-
tion's re por t, also di sc ussed in kn ees to French ki ss him in th e tri ed it out on a nei ghbor lady titi es rangin g from a Columbus
hall , but he's still a little shy and her wh eelchair. call girl to actor Broderick
the R eid Profile.
about sitting on a girl's fac e We guess as long as Jim C rawford in th e nude. All this
DRUG when all he wants to do is fuck does n' t ge t ca ught under the goe s to s h o w that p e opl e
RUNNERS her, or about squattin g on a mi stle toe with his grandm o ther, wouldn't recogniz e a Bigfoot if
lad y's chest just to lick her he' ll be all right.
April, 1977

Menstrual Cycle
HUSTLER 's
article " The New
Pir a t es: D r u g
Runn e rs" a pp ea rs to have
ca used the proverbi al ripp ling- Bicycle-seat sniffers will love
water effec t in the media- this breakt h rough designed to
seeing th a t within tw o months kee p th e active girl active, with-
after th e article was published, out worrying when " that tim e"
similar stories were covered o n com es. Any youn g woma n can
CBS-TV's feature news pro- enjoy every day of th e month
gram- 60 M inutes- and in the and still participate in bike-a-
New York Tim es S u nday th ons. Timing is alwa ys impor-
Maga z ine. tant in matters like these, and
users of Menstrual Cycle say
WILLIAM they never miss a stroke . Handy
LOEB refill seats can be carried i
March, 1977 yo ur knapsack . An oth er
fine product from Schween.
William L oe b ,
th e subj ec t of a
H US TLER Pro-
file last spring, has filed a $ 10
million libel suit against us
because of the article.
Loeb, the N ew Hampshire
newspaperma n, contends th a t
HUSTLER p ublish ed fal se a nd
derogatory sta tements conce rn -
ing him - sta nd a rd charges in
a ny libel actio n.

22 NOVEM BER HUSTLER

 UM
have proof that AI Gold-
named J ack M ieoff, but every-
one in the business kn ows that' s
We wond er how Gary learned
that Farrah h as a hairless pie.
runnin g He p ro bably just guessed that
stein is qu eer. H e' s Al' s favori te pse udonym . For- M aj ors doesn' t like to pick Far-
poem s in Screw magaz ine now tuna tely, Gary Smith' s illustra-
-and about Farrah Fawcett·
M ajors, of all people.
staff says is by
Screw's
a guy \ tion m akes this ce nterfold fro m
Screw' s iss ue # 436 worthwhile. \ ra h's pubes from betwee n his
teeth .

When Farrah takes a healthy shit Does diarrh ea ever strike?

Do odors foul the air? D o tacos give her gas?
The kind that you a nd I expel
That rot our underwe ar? '
Or does it hint of frankincense
WHEN FARRAH Do zits adorn her leewa;d side
And mar this gorgeous lass?
Does Farrah cringe when

TAKES~SHIJ
And other fragrance rare? coarse butt-wipe
I wonder. Rakes clean her puckered ass?
I wo nder .
When Farrah takes a healthy shit
Do rectal muscles stra in? POEM BY JACK MIEOF F
When Farrah ta kes a hea lthy shit
IllUS TRATION BY GA RY SMITH
To pass a turd of Titan size Do angels on high praise
Do he~orrhoids cause herpain? Theirfrosted , earthbound protege
Has constipation ever turn ed For donning human ways?
Her bowels to links of chain? O r do they gag an d flap thei."wings
l wonder. · To clear away the haze?
I wonder .
When Farrah drops her lacy briefs
And nestles down her bu tt When Farrah -oh, so beautiful- .
Does Farrah scan graffilled ~ails Must harken to the call
And leer at shithouse smut? That nature makes to each of us - :. .:
Are Farra h's feces tapered so. The mig hty and th e small· . '
Her asshole wo n't slam shut? I wish I were th e toilet seat '
I wonder . Behind that hallowed ·
Or do l?

SNAKE
OF THE
YEAR
Will 1978 be a lon g ye ar ? The
publishers of B lueboy maga zine
think so, jud ging from th is wall-
poster calendar they' re offerin g
for $5 from 185 N.E. 166 Stree t,
Miami, Florida 33162 . Blueboy,
the high-impact fa ggot journal
reviewed in our February 1977
issue's Bits & Pieces, says this is
not only the ir first calendar, but
it may be th e las t "since it' s a
hard ac t to follow ."
Funny guys, huh ? They also
point out tha t people who pu r-
ch ase th e o ne -b y- thr ee foo t
calend ar will be ge ttin g two
inches of cock a month for only
22 cents an inch . W e' d rather
be giving two inches a month ..
But if you want to hav e a well-
hung poster, order this one an d
h ave a gay old time.
 nigh t above anyone you ' ve ever over the world compete to see
BUTTON met who loo ked li ke he ha d a
hot meta l di sc pressed on his
who is bes t at maki ng pregnant
women give birt h to sc ru nch -

YOUR LIP
Did you ever know anyo ne so
face. Ac tu a ll y, J ames is prac tic-
ing the age-o ld pastime called
girning. Scots, wishing to prove
they we re as tightfaced as th ey
face d c hil dren. But J ames
doesn't get bent out of shape
mere ly for competitio n. As an
inmate in a Canad ian federa l
ugly you had to tie pork chops were tig htfisted , stood for hours pen, he'd probably prefer to pu t
aro un d h is nec k to ge t dogs to staring into ponds-contortin g h is ta lent to use blac km ailin g
play with him ? Or every time th eir faces until every self- guard s with trumped -up bru-
yo u pu t his pictu re in yo ur respec tin g trout in the area had tality charges. W ith his face,
walle t, the do llar was devalued ? migrated to En gla nd. Each year James knows he can sure mak e
J a mes Dixo n of Toronto is a ru b ber-faced people fro m all them stick.
It's really a shame how people
in so me foreign co untri es have
to eat dog mea t in order to sur-
vive. A read er sna pped this
photo in Seoul (South Korea's
Following
ca pital) to demonstrate how
sta rva ti o n and poverty lead
people to butcher the cuddl y
a Pattern
animals in the stree ts. And th ey
don't just gut and eat man's
best fri e nd in fits o f starva-
tion -they also bu y a nd se ll the
creatures in the open market, as
see n here. W e feel this pho to
also de mo nstra tes how lu cky we
in Ameri ca are to be ab le to
k eep d ogs as d epen d ab le,
frien dly pe ls rather th a n as
food . But th e n again, Korea ns
probabl y do n' t hav e to wor ry
about s te ppin g in do g s hit
wherever th ey walk.

Modes t group, is n't it? They

pro bably won't be so self-con -
scious dur ing the ta ttoo beau ty
contes t at the Third World
Co nve ntion of Ta ttoo Artists
and Fans (January 28-29, 1978)
in St. P au l, Mi nneso ta. The
co nve ntion, sponsored by the
Nort h Am erican Tattoo C lub,
is ex pected to draw 200 artists,
as we ll as amateur an d pro-
fess io n a l photogra phers who
may or m ay not have their eyes
rive ted on the in tricate skin art
on di splay. If yo u' d like to see
art tha t walks aro u nd , yo u can
ge t more information from the
cl ub a t 3 127 Nicollet Avenue
South, Minneapolis, Minnesota
55408. If yo u'd like to find out
more abo ut the three female-
decora tor models show n here,
you' ll have to wait until they
move their han d s. And then
you' ll also fi nd out whic h one is
hidin g the M &M.
24 NOVEMBER HU STLE R
 WHICH
CAME FIRST?
For some women, gu lping down
a load of jizz is as easy as sign-
ing a charge card. But for the
beginner it can sometimes be a
sticky situation.
Michael Toohey, our Sex Play
editor, said this photo demon -
strates th e best way for a chick
to ge t the hang of swallowing trollable urge to jog, beat up
cum. Once she ge ts used to th e sides of beef, or enter th e ring
egg, th e othe r will come wi th a Negro boxe r.
naturall y. Howe ver , Toohey By the way, Toohey also has
warns that a n unfortunate side some great tips on self-flagella-
effect of the practice is th at a tion, race horses and th e stock
chick co uld develop an uncon - market.

SWAMP FOX
Everyone knows the old adage,
"A rollin g stone gathe rs no
moss, " but few realize the sa me
maxim a lso app lies to cunts .

SLAVE-ON CALLING The fa ct is that if a female

d oes n ' t a ll ow fo r a cer tain
amount o f deep-trolling be-
Every housewife knows sh e man from Slave-On stopped by
shouldn't open the door for a to offer her a sampling of his tween h e r legs, that spot
strange man . Bu t so metimes she wares . H e believes in the prod- becomes a nesting ground for
mi gh t figure it's just the milk- ucts- he uses them too, th e old carp . This photo serves as a
man stoppin g by with a quart of housewife told us. She turned warning from na ture to wome n
milk and an eight-inch con- him away but now regrets her who lead stagnant sex lives.
tainer of hot cream. Beware ! d ecision . " Wh en I slammed the
This midwestern homemaker door on his foot I think I put a
was caught off gua rd· when the run in his stockin g." ADS WE'D LIKE TO SEE #4
The mild-mannered, jovial man
is the only staff member wh o
doesn 't wince when Larry asks
him to make a peanut butter,
rai sin , baloney , walnut and
mayonnaise sandwich, toasted
on one side o nl y. (He's also the
on ly one on the staff who won ' t
make it back without eating
half th e sandwich first. )
W e thought Ollie had bee n
living in bachelor pads recently,
but now we find out he' s been
secretly married to his child-
hood sweetheart, Bubbles, who
confirmed our notions about
this gentle, qui et man . " H e
wouldn ' t swat a fl y," she told
us. " But he farts at them all the
time." She also ex plained why
their marriage has remained a
secret. " It's not easy for a guy

OVER- like Ollie to get laid, and I

didn 't want to fuck up his

BLOWN
chan ces in case so me horny
blind gi rl had so m e thin g Yet Sl · Absorbent
agai nst married men."
Wh y has the marriage sud- We're not the l Ippery Smooth
IMAGE
One of our fav orite peo ple here
d enly gone public? " I finall y
gave in and le t him sleep with
m e, but not on top," Bubbles
masturba tory t~n y name in
yo u end up ::ues. ~o if
palms, don ' t bl th st•cky
arne us!
R~

at HUSTLER is Ollie Brooke, confid ed.

Larry ' s administrative aid e . Rock on, Ollie!

HU STL ER NOVEMBER 25
 ERECTION SET
With women's equality, it Hatties. Until then, young
has become a status symbol ladies have a lot to learn, and
for women to hold jobs tradi- where can they learn more
tionally held by men. The day about life than from products
might soon come when attrac- offered by toy companies. This
tive men walking by con- erection set is one of many
struction sites will be "learning can be fun" items
whistled at, ogled, designed for forward-think ing
girls who want to establish
themselves in a man's world. If
a chick learns how to handle
a sure

At first we weren't sure just

what the reader who sent in this
artwork was trying to tell us.
We finally concluded that he
was dramatizing the fact that as
the rectum of the Playboy pub-
lishing empire swells with the
hemorrhoids of dull writing and
airbrushed models, HUSTLER
steadily pushes further into the
position of the number one
men's magazine in the world.
Our circulation will soon spurt
higher than Playbojs, and that
event will be a shot heard round
the world.

THE RABBIT TEST

In the field of magic there is field. No, it's not Merkin the
one person for whom all other Magician. It's his assistant.
magicians will step aside. Only Who else could do a half-hour
this individual has been able to show with a rabbit tucked in
garner the highest praise and her cunt and a plastic smile on
respect from conjurers. Capable her face?
of almost unbelievable feats of But don't tell anybody about
magic, this shining star of the this. Merkin would rather keep
stage is considered tops in the it under his hat.

Look no further to discover pussy with a single thrust or

why Lois Lane was always smil- because she used kryptonite
ing. Still we're not sure whether douche. But we do know why
she was smiling because her Jimmy Olson always had a
favorite flying friend could smile on his face. He didn't
probe the deepest, tightest douche.
STARR QUAUTY
If Janis Joplin were alive today, (Capitol Records) that she'll
she'd probably overdose from become America's cockthro b
envy because of the stiff com- songstress of the '70s.
petition she'd be getting from Ruby doesn't mind admit-
Ruby Starr, the hottest and sex- ting that she'd have been a
hooker if she hadn't bf!come a
singer. And her stage pres-
ence-as this photo displays-
proclaims that admission hon-
estly. Add to that lyrics such as
"You love with your body/1
love with my soul/But you
know you can take me/ Anyway
you want to go" (from her "Just
a Little" track on Smokey Places)
and you realize Ruby has no
doubts about her sexuality.
If the front and back covers
of Ruby's album don't convince
you she completely lacks any
blushing modesty, this photo
taken by Richard Kwasniewski
GIDDY UP, RAT NOW
Scott Ross is the kind of artist spending five or six days in his
at a concert last year should
whose work gives off good studio- going without sleep,
vibes-no doubt a reflection of keeping his family locked out,
his own loose character. Or
maybe it's because Scott pays
attention to detail, capturing
fine lines equally as well as he
presents the total product. "I
just want to entertain people.
I'd rather have my work on aT-
shirt or beer mug than hanging
in an art gallery ."
Ross (of 2771 Edenwood,
Clearwater, Florida 3351 9) isn' t
always painting his version of a
Midnight Cowboy riding a
spirited stud. He' s designed
give you an additional glimpse posters for the Tampa Bay
into Ruby's sexy personality. Rowdies professional soccer
iest white female vocalist So the memory of Janis Jop- team and the Tampa Bay Buc-
around. Red-haired Ruby- lin as young America's singing caneers pro football team, and and listening to Elton John
who was formerly a singer with sex queen may be dimmed a in the future you should expect until some crazy image pops
the rock group Black Oak bit. Ruby Starr is hot on Janis's to see more of his work in into his head . It's a weird way
Arkansas- gives every indica- tracks, leaving behind a smoke HUSTLER. Between now and to work. But like he says, "Who
tion on her album Smokey Places trail laced with genital odors. then you ' ll probably find Scott gives a ·rat's ass? "

DIRT ROAD
Did you ever wonder why
chicks never have shit stains in
their panties? Since society
demands that females be clean
and neat, they' ve taken precau-
tionary measures that border on
the ridiculous. This chick isn't
going to splatter mud on any-
thing but her heavy-duty flaps .
Despite the foreboding ap-
pearance of this set of spray
protectors, we' d still like to take
a little trip up her chocolate
highway. If she wears some-
thing like this, it's a sure bet she
wouldn't mind a few greased
joints or a set of pistons.

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 27
 ship looks like it' s going to be a

I PUTTING life - long arrang e ment. Not

unlike some human marriages.

ON THE Of course, just as in human

relationships, these two lovers

DOG
Animals, which by nature roam
fa ce the con stant threat of
an other' s coming alon g and try-
ing to split up the happy pair.
Only a beast would do that,
freely and choose their mates at a nd if so he wou ld probabl y
will, don't usually get stuck on o nly be interested in getting a
one another. But this relation- little piece on the side.

Getting Her Goat

T oday th e Sa tyrs of Gree k
myth ology ha ve a bad reput a-
ti on, simpl y because the old
goat-legge d lech e rs e nj oye d
satisfyin g th ei r third, hairless
legs. But wh o can blame them ?
As this work by Boulder, Colo-
rado, erotic artist John Ad ams
indicates, yo u' d ge t horny too if
tin y wood la nd nymphs kept
mi sta kin g yo ur crank for a
stool. And women's libbers wh o
consid er th e Sa tyr a sy mbol of
mal e chau vini sm should defi -
nit ely tak e a second look . Thi s
one is lettin g her ge t on top.

No, this isn' t a long-suppressed shaped chewing gum ). Called

NASA photo of a UFO. Nor is the Ramrod, it's a new aircraft
it photographic proof that the that will be as cheap to own as a
ozone layer is being destroyed Lincoln Continental. Ramrod
by women with foul-smelling will be available in Caucasian,
pussies who fly around on over- black and Filipino skin tones.
sized dildoes . This is the newest The Scrotum, an accessory for
product from Schlong Masters, carrying groceries or kids, is
Inc. (who brought you penis- optional.

HUSTLER pays $7 00 for interesting visual items and stories

for Bits & Pieces. We buy all rights to material accepted for
publication, but will return original art on request. Submissions
should include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. November's
$100 readers are Jerry A ibe~ Marcia Greenfield, Bill Rosik, R .
" Gotcha!! " Sanchez and Bob Sinnamon . •

28 NOVEMBER HUSTL ER
 The Adventures of Honey Hooker
There's no need to suspect when you The Adventures of Honey Hooker is an
buy HUSTLER Rejects that you 're set- anthology of HUSTLER's very own real-
tling for .sloppy seconds. Larry Flynt felt dent harpy. This 112-page full-color col·
that with all the outstanding girl The HUSTLER Pink Calendar lection proves that our Honey has quite a
features he gives you each month , it Larry Flynt has spared no expense in publishing HUSTLER 's few tricks up her sleeve. Included In thla
would only be fair that we open our 1978 Pink Calendar. Produced in Europe and made from the package is a never-before-published
photo files and show you what it takes highest-quality paper, it is the most erotic and lavishly episode. Honey's explicit escaped•
for a gir l set to be rejected by designed calendar ever published. The 11 " x 13" photos of make those two bimboes, Wicked Wana
HUSTLER . HUSTLER Rejects contains the pink ladies are so hot that you can 't help but stroke and Annie Fanny, look like stand-Ins fot
128 pages of women who fell to the fate when you open it up. an Ann Blyth Twinkie commercial.
of the ax. # 6129 $4.95 # 6401 $2.95
#6415 $2.95
 At LEASURE TIME we know that all our customers crave the flavor of tender
meat. That's why our dildoes are certified grade "A" and imported from Europe's r---Tu5unT~E~ooucrs---,
finest delicatessens. P. 0. Box 2206 • Columbus , Oh io 43216
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extra-soft latex that heats up to body temperature when being used.
The dual-functi on Electro Orgasm (# 5523) is the Rolls -Royce of dildoes. It Name
comes with both an attachable pump and an automatic vibration control. The pump
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MOVIES at a gove rnme nt ball with
the ai d of her fairy godfath er
Edited by Larry Wichman (J ay Larson). R eali zing sud -
d en ly th at se x is good, T om,
wh o incidentally h a ppens to
Cinderella be the Controller's right-
2000 hand ma n, co nvinces the
Will there still be rul er to allow th e populace
sex in th e 21 s t to have se x . Thus, th anks to
ce n tu ry? th e downtrodden mi ss and
Thi s is a valid her fairy godfa th er, everyo ne
qu es ti on for an ero tic film to in 2047 lives happily ever
explore, especially in light of a ft e r. Unfo rtunate ly, t h e
the recent rep ressive legal very real prison sentenc es
de c i s i o n s a g ainst g a ys faced by First Am endmen t
and other groups seeking de fe nders like Larry Fl ynt
sexual fr ee d o m . But th e and AI Gold stein in 1977
cause of person al rights rare- cannot be se t aside with the
ly ge ts a fair shake in Cin- wave of a magic wand .
derella 2 000, a soft -core, sc i- Th e makers of this film
fi mu sical sati re . 2000 ta kes do n' t have to worry abo ut
a qu es tiona bl e app roac h to go in g to j ail , thou gh, since
th e probl ems of governm en- eve n Ru ss M eyer makes a
tal and co m mun ity sex ual more gra phi c film . Cinderella
o ppress io n b y pl ac in g a 2000 is all tits ' n' ass -no
li ghthearted ve rsion of the ex plicit sex and no split
C in dere ll a fairy tale in to the b eavers. Eve n the tec hnical
dead ly world of 2047 . There as p e ct s of the fi l m a r e
all sex- related ma teri als an d m e dio cre: th e so ft -r ock
sex ual acts (exc ept by a so und track is poor, th e
chose n few) have been o u t- lyrics and di alog are weak,
lawed by the Bi g Broth er a nd th e cos tumes and se t
governm ent. d es ign s bar e ly g iv e th e
U nlik e sop hi s ti ca t e d impressio n of the future. In
sa tir es th a t dr aw bitin g truth, the only person in the
parallels be twee n th e world th eater, b esid es me, who sat
on the screen and th e world Only a chosen f ew enjoy sex in the world of Cinderella 2000. through the e ntire show was
as it ex ists, 2000 glosses over an Orthod ox J ew trying to
real iss ues and misre prese n ts ge t hi s money's worth .
H US T LE R 's reviews of porno films an d sex boo ks w ill keep yo u
the serious nature of th e
up to date on the latest f rom the erotic film and publis hing indus-
problem . For example: Th e
fasc ist-like rul er of thi s time
tries. Ou r hard-on rating gu ide is based on a quality-for-yo ur-money
f ormu la. H owever, since many X -ra ted fi lms are censored to co n-
Underage
pe ri o d , th e C o nt ro ll er Und erage is th e
form to " local commun ity standards," the mo vies we rev iew might
(Erwin Full er), is portraye d kind of fu ck film
no t be exactly the version you see. Th erefore we sugges t yo u check
as a sill y clow n in stead of a that may frustrate
with your theater to make certain that you are getting the real th ing.
v ill a in o u s d ict at o r ; th e yo u but a t th e
popul ace, for w hom th e joys same time will keep you on
of sex are as m uch a m yste ry
as th e particul ars of th e ac t,
is not treated sympathet-
RATING GUIDE the ed ge of yo ur seat. The
amate u rish ac ting and slow-
moving p lo t may have you
ically; and the onl y kind of ~Erection ~Half Erect co nstantl y ready to walk o ut,
"political" s tatement the whi le the well-p hotographed
movie attempts to make is If this one doesn't get it up, Slightly worthwhile. Proba- sex ual footage will kee p yo u
"We all need love ." you are p rob a b ly d ea d bly get it up on your own . hesitatin g to the end .
Mos t outrageo us of all , because it is almost a con- Marl e ne Willoughb y,
however, is th e fairy tale-like stant turn-on. ~ One-Quarter Erect Paula Morton, C heri Baines
so luti on o ffere d. C ind y, and Justine Fletcher are
Might get it up if you used a
J?l ayed by C a th arin e Erh ardt adu l t actresses unconvin-
crane.
(a .k.a. Ca th ar in e Burgess cingly portrayi ng horny high-
~ Three-Quarters
fr o m Th ro ugh' the L oo ing school seniors who are on
~ E rec t ~ Totally Limp
Glass), has a dream come t h e staff o f a Madison
Worthwhile. Almost gets it
true when she se duces her up. However, it can still be Couldn't get it up if you Avenue ad agency as part of
" Princ e Ch ar min g," T o m beat. used a crane. a work-s tud y program. In
Prince (Va ughn Arm strong), b etween force d se x ual en-
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 31
 cou nters with their guidance
counselor (Wade Nichols),
who holds a college scholar-
ship over each girl's head ,
the teens learn the ins and
outs of the ad biz. They
learn so well, in fact, that
wh en the agency's head
model jeo pardizes the ad
company's most lu crative
accoun t, the girls have
enough savvy to seduce the
client back into the fold .
The plot of this low-
b u dget, three-day wonder
contains a few hu moro u s
episode s, such as when
Willoughby gives the guid-
ance counselor a blow job
while playing the piano-a
scene that works because she
actually plays the old 88s. ·
However, the scripted dia-
logue is quite unnatural and
the situations that are set up
in the plot are implausible.
For examp le, a record ing From Claudia: Sharon Mitchell in the title role bellies-up to the desires of a sweet-toothed senator.
console blows up because
someone shoots a load of cum her tennis coach (Jamie at the same time that she's give you the inside scoop on
on it. Neither the dialogue Gilli s), who supplements his keeping her promiscuity in the porn moviemakin g
nor the situations help the income by pimping, Claudia perspective. scene-has all the glamour
less seasoned actresses (Mor- be gins to re lieve some of her Although fairl y sensual, of a Gloria Steinem wet
ton, Baines and Fletcher) to fru strat ions by turning the sexual content of the dream.
present convincing roles. tricks . She learns quick ly film is not kinky. Further- Sensations is about a film -
Of course, those who don't that there's more to life than more, the photography suc- maker named J ohn ( J ohn
care about porn as a form of ma st u r bation , but in a ceeds in capturing the Leslie) who gathers together
art will find Underage offers surprise ending she also dis- erotica without constantly a small group of pornsters
all the essentials: pre tty girls covers that there's more to diving in for the usual (including Annette Haven ,
and wall-to-wall sex, even her husband's sexual ti lt gynecological close-up, and V ic toria Starr and Joe y
though there's no real whip- than mee ts the eye. an unobtrusive but melodic Cuvera, among others) tor
ping, anal sex or golden Claudia's adequate script sound track enhances the the purpose of making an
showers. However, any of a ll ows Mitchell, Gilli s , camera's gentle touch. exper im ental smut movi e
Not every sex scene is to
yo u who demand more fro m Pet e r son and th e other about sex fantasies. The
be taken seriously, however.
a fi lm should feel free to pass featured ac tors to give their audience of Sensations sup-
characters depth . Even th e In order to give the audience posed ly gets a behind-the-
on this one.
erotici sm is co nc en trated occasional laughs, director scenes glimpse of the action,
into a few goo d scenes, an d Billy Bagg included some b eca use John leaves his
very humorous encounters
The Violation except for a rath er unin-
sp ired, superfluou s lesbian between Claudia and a U .S.
camera running when nor-
mally off-camera conflicts
of Claudia encounter betwee n Claudia Senator who has a penchant arise between the cast n;Jem-
• •111!1111 Over the past few and a hoo ker companion for licking cream off naked bers of the experimental
months, Sharon (Crystal Sync ), the sex helps female bodies . Thus Th e flick . In reality, the Sensa-
Mitchell has develop the story . Violation of Claudia has a lit- tions audience is being set
beco me the hot- One exam pl e of sex help- tle of everything. While it is up, since the "spontaneous"
test porn starlet in New ing plot flow and character not a great film, it is well emo tional confro nt a ti ons
York, but rarely are her films development occurs earl y in made and should cas h in at that arise were completely
as serious in nature as The the movie during Claudia's the box office. scripted by Sensa tions ' writ-
Violation of Claudia- a gen- first extramarital flin g. She ers and would never occ ur in
tle, almost se nsitive, porn picks up a 17 -year-o ld the real macho world of the
flick that grapples with the hitchhik e r (Victor Hin es ) Overnight sex trade.
issue of marital infidelity. and instead of just hopping Sensations John's girlfrien d, Suzy
Mitc hell stars as Claudia, on the awkward but willing A pornographic (Sharon Thorpe), wanti ng to
a wealthy yo ung woman of youth, she se du ces him with women 's rights explore her own sexual fan -
26 whose 46-year-old hus- te nderness. It is a scene that movie ? It may not tasies, demand s to fill in fo r
band (Don Peterson) com- establishes Claudia's readi- have been so in- an actress who hasn't shown
pletely ignores her sexual ness to go on to bigger and tended, but Overn ight Sensa- up . Feeling threatened, John
needs. At the suggestion of better affairs, while showing tions-a sex flick claiming to overre acts, leaving himself
32 NOVEMBER HUSTLE R
---------~~D~S----------
open to Suzy's liberationist
attack against chauv ini st
irrationality. John doesn't ON THE
immediately lay down the
law and, instead , allows her CIRCUIT
to appear on camera. Once
she has become a member of This column lists and rates
the cast, Suzy begins having ero tic movies tha t were rev iewed
heterosexual and homosex- in past issues of HUSTLER .
ual affairs. By the end of the These film s may curren tly be
showing in you r neighborhood.
film she has fitted John with
a dog collar and leash and
has whipped him into the
submiss ive state that he has ~Erection
supposedly been craving all
Autobiography of a Flea
along. Desires Within Young
Surprisingly enough, the In Punk Rock! Jeanie Sanders goes full tilt for Wade Nicho ls. Girls
acting in Sensations is quite Femmes de Sade
good, despite the terrible sent his caustic ero tica. In ring over the corpse of Hard Soap, Hard Soap
script. Although the sex is his latest venture, Punk Dillinger's partner, Vanny In the Realm of the
well photographed, the film- Rock!, he's turned to the warns the detective that "I'll Senses
Jail Bait
makers lack the technical dark, pot-filled bars, the book ya faster than you can Kinky Ladies
skills to handle the complex- groupies and the raunchy come" if Dillinger meddles Odyssey
ities of plot structure that a pop bands of the increasing- in police affairs. But Sex Crazy
film-within-a-film presents. ly popular punk-rock scene. Dillinger is dete rmined to Sweet Cakes
As a consequence, the story Rock is the tale of Jimmy avenge his partner's death Through the Looking
line and eroticism are rather Dillinger (Wade Nichols), a Glass
and to get in the last word as
disjointed. macho private dick whose well. So he replies, "How do
Yet those who enjoy male routine search for a teenage you know how fast I come- ~ Three-Quarters
humiliation will find that runaway (Susaye London) have you been talkin' to ~Erect
Overnight Sensations provides lead s him to a Mafia abdu c- your wife?" Bel Ami
Captain Lust
an ultimate sense of deg- tion ring selling runaways as Such banter between the Count the Ways
radation seldom encoun- sex slaves. The front for this two rivals takes place Eruption
tered in porn. Ms. would sinister organization is a regularly througho ut the The Keyhole
undoubted ly give this film punk-rock band ca ll ed movie and adds humorous Portrait of Seduction
its highest rating. "Elda and Stiletto," and as interludes to Rock's fast pac- The Spirit of
Dillinger slowly ge ts th e ing. Except for a long , Seventy-Sex
Sweet Taste of Honey
goods on the group, he gets tedious group grope late in
Punk Rock! fucked, sucked, shak en the movie, the scenes that
Although he isn't down and set up more than help move the plot along ~Half Erect
by any means a Matt Helm . come in rapid-fire succession
Babyface
social historian of Dillinger's arch-rival, "an an d do not spend a great The Beast
the ci nema, pro- old buddy on the force," is deal of time on any particu- The Devil Inside Her
ducer Carter Stevens does Police Inspector Joe Vanny lar sex sequence. And that's My SeX-Rated Wife
delight in using sex films to (Richard Bolla), an d their all for the best, since lead The Porn Brokers
comment upon and poke fun relationship serves as a actresses London and Jeanie Reflections
at the way we live. In past The Sinful Pleasures of
diversionary subplot typical Sanders-both vi rtu al Reverend Star
films he's used cultural of Rock's sophisticated com- unknowns-are not terribly Tonight We Love
crazes such as CB radio (G.B. plexities and wit. During pretty starlets and have only Visions
Mamas) as vehicles to pre- their first encounter, occur- average sexual abilities.
However, the acting,
"Elda and Stiletto " are slick rock 'n ' rollers in Punk Rock! dialog, photography and ~ One-Quarter Erect
rock sou nd track are all All Night Long
spirited , allowing Punk Rock! Candylips
to entertain without employ- F unk
ing overly long sexual Kinkorama
sequences. But if you're a Sharon
Sweet Punkin
punk-rock devotee, this film The Trouble with
may raise your hackles. It Young Stuff
only exploits the surface of
the craze, just as The Trip
glossed over the psyc hedelic t;J Totally Limp
scene several years ago. Yet, Cherry Hustlers
even thoug h it doesn' t quite Let My Puppets Come
capture the essence of the Reunion
punk phenomenon , Punk. Snuff
Rock! is a lively sex film . •
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 33
---------~~~S~------- cated doc tor spe nds three
BOOKS chapters d eb unkin g the
properties of aphrodi siacs-
Ed ited by M ik e Sheeter
everything from food to nar-
cotics to vitamin E. C ilento
The Eastern state s that "the fact remai ns
Way of Love that until something better
T antric Sex and comes along, the b est and
Erotic Myst icism on ly aphrodisiac is an attrac-
By Kamala Devi tive, attsntive, all-together,
Simon & Schuster aphrodisiac partner."
1230 A venue of the Americas However, three chap ters
New York, New York 10020 later, in "A Healthy, Sen-
$ 12.95 suous, Sexy D iet," he states,
If yo u really want " To maintain sex ual energy,
t o l ear n about a diet high in protein and
al l thos e exo tic vitamin s A, C an d E is best."
Eastern sex tec h- Next, Dr. Cilento becomes
niques, get yo urse lf a copy of Chef Cilento by giving a
Sir Rich ard Burton's transla- week 's menu , being careful
tion of The Kama Sutra of to point out all those dishes
Vatsyayana . (By t h e way , and foods that reportedly
this R ichard Burton is no have aphrodisiacal qualities.
relation to th e actor. ) If, H e also presents some of the
on the other h and, you want recipes. It's hard to accept
to satisfy yo ur curiosity wit h Cilento's credentials of
th e most basic boo k you ca n b eing "a medical consultant
find on the subject, The in New York City" after this
Eastern Way of Love may be little scam.
what you 're looking for. You might get a h ard-on
T he Eastern Way is a from Sex Forever, but it's the
migh ty inflate d title for this kind yo u would want to
goofy little book, but such is shove up someo ne's butt to
t h e way o f t h e my st ics . repay him in kind .
My s tics a lway s talk too
much . At heart, the book is
not hin g more than a wordy, God Jokes
g arden-var ie ty marri age T h e Art of Abdul
man u a l w ith an Ind ia n Eastern Way: advice with an Indian accent-strictly from hunger. Mati K larwein
accent. Position s li ke "Vi- By Abdul M ati Klarwein
parata Asana" keep turning attic studio . ons for its readers, th e onl y Har mo ny Books
out to be strictly old news . W hile P eter Sc ha uman n's thin g that thi s book will Divi sion of Crown
" Viparata Asana" is our ol d illustr atio n s-w h ic h s h ow pro ba bl y produ ce is a lot of Pu bli sh ers, Inc.
fr iend, the female-superior an impeccabl y straight cou- money for the a u thor and One P ark Avenue
position . Bi g d eal! Then, New York, New York 10016
ple trying out every th ing publi sher. $4.95
too, when yo u go from a they are told- aren' t all th at Sex Forever employs t he
paragraph e ntit led " Upa- bad , the y are n' t partic ularly Ann La nders d on't-worry- God Jokes won ' t
vishta, or Sitting Postures" good or me morable either. about-your - p ee- p ee a p- s tand th e us ual
to one headed "Pan ty R aid," But then, neither is T he proac h to sex advice and is comparison t o
yo u can't help but think that Eastern Way. no better or worse than any o th er books, be-
so meon e at Simon & of th e other basic texts o n cause th ere are no oth er
Sc hu ster may be p ul ling the mar ke t. I t is hi ghly co m- books lik e it. A manic bl e nd
yo ur lingam. Sex Forever partm e ntalized, lik e all of its of psych e d el ic po s te r art
Perhaps Kamala Devi, the T he Key to Male pr e d ecesso r s, h avi n g the from th e '60s and th e hum or
a uthor, does exist and is Sexual Longevity usual gratu itou s chapters on of the cl ow n ish Sufi wise-
serious when she writes sen- By Raphael Cilent o, M.D. sex m yt h s, im pote n ce, men, J okes isn't just so mu ch
te nces like " In shor t, fellow with Neil Feshman mastur bati on, sex exercise, a coffee-table book as it is a
see kers, holy Yab-Yum is P l!~-yboy P ress etc . Th e on ly chapter worth home elec troshoc k kit.
yum-y u m ." It see ms more 74 7 T hird Avenue read ing concerns the pros- Klarw e in' s work-which
likely to me that the person New York , New York 10017 tate and its effect on sex ual rese m h ies th e creat ion s of
$8.95
res ponsible for this book is a per forma nce, although th e anot h e r artistic crazy,
Hare Kri s hna-type inc a r- Sex Forever, by Dr. dull writin g style wi ll put Salvad or Dali- can be bet-
nated as a staffer on, say, R ap h ae l C il e nto , most read ers to slee p. ter d esc ribed in te rms of ex-
Mec hariix Illu strated. The is the latest entry Approximate ly h a lfway perience rat h er than words.
bes t bet is that what we have into th e "impo- thro ugh, however, Cilento's Probably th e only way we
here is the product of three tent" sex-advice book boom . book loses most o f its credi - cou ld show you what Klar-
weekend s' wor k in the ol' Instead of lon g-las tin g hard - bil ity. Th e Australian-edu - wein is abo ut wou ld be to
34 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
force -fee d you a handfu l of since become a classic pon-
peyote and make yo u stare derable among tapr oo m
at hi s wor k. What the effect straightmen who know that
would be on yo ur mental one of the guys can always
we ll -be in g we can no t say, be relied upon to answer :
but then if yo u'd balk at tak- "She wants a session with
in g th e peyo te, th en yo u the old turk ey neck , by
probably wouldn ' t care too God ."
mu ch for Klarwein 's unu sual When men appraise
styl e e ith er. women's sexual need s as
On th e o th er hand , there shrewdly as that, we have
are plenty of people w ho will the makings of low comedy.
ex peri ence a ru sh of recogni- But when women undertake
tion a t th eir first sig ht of to answer t~ same ques-
Kl a rw e in 's painting. Hi s tion-what do w o m en
unearth ly hum a n fig u res want?-and come up with
ofte n loo k li ke glitter faggots essentially the same apprais-
fro m Oz . Som e of th em also al, then it is no longer funny .
loo k lik e li o n s, Vi kin g Since serious f e m a le
queens an d rug merchants. responses to this question
Taken as a group, Kl ar- show that women simply
we in 's peo pl e suggest the want the same degree of sex-
kind o f visions we have been ual satisfaction that me n
led to ex pec t on judg me nt want, we feel that The Secret
Day. Spe ndin g tim e among Fire is the kind of book that
th em is as dange ro us and will be part of the process by
s tim ul at in g as ge ttin g which women will get it.
ca ught on an eleva tor with The Secret Fire serves two
the Three Stooges . purpose s. Firs t , it clearly
T he photo of Kl a nvein o n tells women what their sex-
th e bac k of God Jokes bo th ers ual alternatives are . Know-
me. H e is a skinn y native of ing that women have tradi-
J erusa lem. Th e p ho to shows tionally missed out on the
him makin g faces a t th e bull-sessi on sty le of sex
camera and wearing an education enjoyed by men,
Indian c hi e f's fea th ere d Santini, a New York City
headdress. Possib ly the pic- journalist, set out to provide
ture. is sy mboli c o f Kl ar- a sort of sexu al forum for
we in 's lo sin g batt le with women. She uses a series of
craziness . Wh ateve r the out- short interviews to run the
come of our man's psyc hi c gamut of sexual prefere nce,
battl e, th e res ult s s hould using them as a reference for
prove in teresting to wa tch. those who want to catch up
To quote Kl ar we in himself: on the game .
"An d th e n i t h a pp e n e d! The second and most in-
Whaml Ba m l On a full triguing function of The Sec-
Dec ember moon I became a ret Fire is to persuade women
sa int!! Are you listening ??? " to translate their desires into
hit , I reckon we are. action . And, as we' ve al-
ready established scientifi-
cally, there is ample data to
The Secret show that women fl at out
Fire love the old turkey neck,
A New View of especially if the owner and
Women and Passion operator of the hairy mon-
By Rosemarie Santini ster in question shows a little
Playboy Press know-how and class.
747 Third Avenue This bein g true, Th e Secret
New York, New York 10017 Fire is a book that should be
$8.95
read by both m en an d
. . . . . . "Oh, God! " wrote women concerned with good
a desperate Sig- sexual performanc e. But
mund Freud near unlike man y of the others
th e e nd of hi s that purport to teach sexual
career. "W hat does woman techniques, this one act uall y
want? Wh at do es s h e ... and the uppity stares of a tantalizing Negress in "You and Me. " does, in a readable and highly
want?" Freud 's qu es tion has entertaining manner. W
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 35
 Tt£
FI1Sf
>frated
COI.OMJG
BOOK H

®
.....,.U.&A.

A Picnm: Book of lOr Childrtn anJ P:m:nts

Pl·ocogr-.phy and CaptiOn> by Will McBride
L'J~anarorybr by Dr.Hdg> Flcisdlhautr-H.uur
D

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This book introd uces a n unu sual concept in ad ult
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 By Chris Cassel
In the days of the Old West Many sexual pleasures have remained hidden behind the doors of in, coming quickly and pull-
it was to a man's advantage fear, ignorance, inexperience and hypocrisy f or too long. In keeping ing out-with zippers and
to be quick on the draw. For with H US TLER 's belief that repression of natural, healthy urges panties restored to their
every notch in the handle of is physica lly and emotionally damaging, we present this series of proper positions in a minimum
a Colt revolver, there were informative articles to increase your sexual know ledge, to lessen your period of time. Along the
ten women .swooning at the inhib it ions and- ultim ately - to make yo u a better lover. same line, many young men
feet of its bearer. But nowa- encounter sex for the first
days the term " fast gun" has time at the hands (or cunts)
come to mean something of prostitutes, who are in a
else, something loathsome to hurry to get back out on the
men and women alike-pre- street and make more
mature ejaculation . money. (Hookers actually
Ideally, a man should be prefer men who come quick-
able to hold back coming ly .) Sexual training of this
long enough for his partner sort leads to premature
to achieve satisfaction. And ejaculation becoming a per-
since that length of time manent, rather than a tem-
varies greatly from woman porary, dysfunction . When
to woman, it's best for a man the situation constantly de-
to be able to contain himself mands coming quickly,
indefinitely , wherein lies the ejaculation is no longer a
problem. reflex but a conditioned
Experts define the pre- behavior.
mature ejaculator as a man Often a psychological
who cannot control his quirk enters the picture. A
climax for more than 30 man will come quickly-
seconds after entering a before the woman has
woman. (However, this is achieved her own orgasm-
not to say that a man who to punish her for real or
can last 45 seconds should imagined wrongs . In this
think he doesn't have a sense, premature ejaculation
problem. ) By that definition, is a way of getting even with
most males-at some time or the woman (or women in
other-fall into the ranks of general ) by promising fulfill -
quick-draw artists. ment-and then not provid-
Fortunately , premature ing it.
ejaculation is one of the However, this should not
easiest sexual dysfunctions be confused with ejaculating
to cure. Of the 186 patients prematurely when having
treated for the affliction at
the Masters and Johnson's
Biology Research Founda- OVERCOMING sex with a new partner,
someone with whom the
man is not sexually familiar.
tion, only four failed to learn
how to control their ejacula-
tions. And learning how to
Premature Ejaculation Likewise a man whose sex-
ual encounters are few and
far between may also blow
do it is within the reach of his wad a few seconds after
almost every man. But before embarking to the novice and hardly excludes the penetration. Circumstances such as
upon any treatment program, it's neces- pot-bellied middle-ager. If this sexual these should by no means warrant label-
sary to understand some of the causes of dysfunction goes untreated, it can ing the man a premature ejaculator,
premature ejaculation. plague a man for the rest of his life. since there is in fact a difference be-
In most cases it occurs early in a According · to researchers, one of the tween occasional and chronic sufferers.
man's sexual career, when the pleasures most common causes in cases that carry The occasional sufferer misfires only
of the flesh are relatively new to him and beyond adolescence is. an ingrained once in a while, while the chronic one
the experience of having his cock inside training that starts with the first attempt climaxes immediately after every
a cunt is overwhelmingly stimulating. at fucking. Usually that first piece of ass penetration of any woman.
Also there's general agreement among is won in the backseat of a car. Parked Depending upon the extent of the
doctors that the better a man's physical on the local Lovers' Lane, the high- psychological causes, each case of pre-
condition, the more likely he is to ejaculate school sweethearts are worried about mature ejaculation has to be approached
prematurely, because his senses are being caught in the act by police, or differently. If the problem seems to be a
sharper than those of a man who is out being surprised by friends. So a great deep-seated psychological block, such as
of shape. Yet this affliction is not limited premium is placed on shoving the cock a subconscious hatred of women

Ill ustration by Jim Willi ams HUSTLER NOVEMBER 37

brought on by, for instance, a domineer- tion that brings on ejaculation. Since it man's. Most persons prefer to cope with
ing mother, then extensive psychiatric is often the initial act of penetration that the problem of premature ejaculation
help is required . If, on the other hand, creates a strong urge to come, the goal through less mechanical means .
the cause seems to be an early training here is to reduce the stimulation long For those men who prefer not to have
toward hurrying the act of fucking, enough to allow the man to become their prick removed from the pussy, and
simpler methods can be employed . acquainted with the feeling of being who don't want to dull the sensation of
One factor that must always be dealt inside a cunt. If he feels himself on the balling, there is another practical way to
with in any case of premature ejacula- verge of climaxing, the penis should be initially overcome the problems caused
tion is the self-defeating attitude it cre- withdrawn and the squeeze technique by premature ejaculation as opposed to
ates in the sufferer. In societies that con- employed until the urge disappears. curing the affliction.
sider the man to be vastly superior to the Then he should reenter her and repeat Simply accept the first ejaculation
woman, premature ejaculation is far less the process. While the woman must re- and concentrate on the second time
frequent and sometimes unheard of (if main relatively still, the man should around . The second orgasm is almost
only for the reason that the woman's move just enough to maintain his erec- always more controllable than the firs t,
satisfaction is not considered to be as are the third, fourth and so on. Since
important). But in our enlightened so- the premature ejaculation hasn't sapped
ciety, in which men share equality with much energy on the first bang, mos t
women, the man is expected to perform The premature men can muster enough strength for a
satisfactorily. In cases where the man second shot merely by resting for 20
worries about his inability to satisfy a ejaculator should minutes or so . Of course, it's best to
learn how to control the first ejacula-
woman, his worrying only magnifies the
problem. There's truth in the proverb,
try to fuckjust tion. Many women resent a rest period
"A watched pot never boils."
Masters and Johnson's book Human
as much as at the peak of their excitement. Indeed ,
they may lose interest once their sexual
Sexual Inadequacy deals with premature possible-or at activity has been interrupted.
ejaculation in detail and outlines treat- A man may try to maintain his lover's
ments directed at a specific goal: by least go ahead sexual interest by eating her pussy until
various means, delaying the climax so his hard-on returns, or she can encour-
that the man is reassured that he can and beat off. age him to rise again with a blow job.
indeed control his ejaculation. Once he The ke y to waiting for the second
is shown that maintaining an erection tion without encouraging ejaculation. climax is not to become discouraged by
for lengthy periods without climaxing is A couple trying to overcome pre- an early ejaculation on the first attempt.
possible, his confidence will return and mature ejaculation by using the squeeze Since celibacy only increases the
he'll find that he can con trol his ejacula- technique should avoid the male- desire to climax immediately, it is rec-
tion in practical situations. superior (man on top) position , since ommended that the premature ejacula-
One of the most successful methods of this is the most stimulating to the man. tor try to fuck as much as possible. (Who
controlling ejaculation is the so-called Experimentation will tell which posi- doesn' t? ) And if that isn' t possible, go
" squeeze technique," which works like tions can be utilized to help reduce sen- ahead and beat off.
this : The woman sits with her back sation until the ability to control climax Finally, the least successful method of
straight and her legs apart, while the increases. delaying ejaculation is perhaps the most
man rests on his back with his legs over Among the more artificial methods of widely used. That is, thinking of some-
hers and his penis near her cunt. In this overcoming premature ejaculation is thing else. A book could be written: Sub-
position, the woman manipulates the desensitization of the penis. There are jects to Consider While Not Climaxing. The
man's penis until he has a full erection on the market a number of creams and topics might range from mentally re-
and is near climax. Quickly, she places sprays designed specifically for numbing playing a baseball game to balancing a
her thumb on the underside of his penis, the prick. Doctors can prescribe various checkbook or thinking about something
near the head, and her two forefin gers levels of numbness with a cream consist- mildly repulsive .
on the other side, just below the head . ing of from 1 to 5 percent dibucaine , a This method may work for some men,
Then she squeezes hard for three or four surface anesthetic . There are desensitiz- but most often a man can't think about
seconds. This will cause him to lose his ing creams that are flavored (for tasty anything but having a warm, wet, writh-
urge to come; and although the process blow jobs) and are available in varying ing female impaled on his cock. Besides,
is not at all painful, he may also lose his strengths. In an emergency, a hasty like desensitizing creams, such thinking
erection to some degree . After waiting application of Solarcaine sunburn cream greatly reduces ~ he pleasure of sex. Your
half a minute or so, the routine is re- may also do the job. lover may enjoy herself more, but what
peated. The session should last for 15 or Although this does not require with- about you?
20 minutes, and two or three sessions drawing the cock from a warm pussy, Most observers consider the squeeze
should occur before going on to the next there are a number of drawbacks to technique to be vastly superior to any
step in the learning process. desensitization : It does not lead to a per- artificial method of overcoming pre-
When the man is sufficiently confi- manent solution the way the squeeze mature ejaculation simply because it
dent that he can endure some degree of technique does, and enjoyment will be provides a permanent solution. It does
stimulation without ejaculating, he and inhibited because of the lack of feeling wonderful things for the ego to be able
his partner should assume the female - in the penis. Keep in mind, though, that to enter into any sexual relationship
superior (woman on top) position, and the woman 's sexual enjoyment can be with the knowiedge that your partner
this time place the penis inside the dulled by contact with the desensitized will come away satisfied-after an
vagina. Once this is done, the woman penis. Like the creams, a rubber can do extended fuckathon.
should concentrate on keeping him in- an effective job of reducing the pleasant In 1977 there's certainly no disgrace
side her without thrusting, thereby friction of sex . But these too can inhibit in being known as the Slowest Gun in
keeping to a minimum the sublime fric- the woman's enjoyment as well as the the West. v
38 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
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MIN'S ·RIGHTS I?Y Article
Jonathan
TWO BALLS, TWO STRIKES Black
orman Kopp, a 52-year-old truck driver from Take alimony, a major complaint of men's rights groups.
upstate New York, is so disgusted with A man who has provided the sole or primary support for his
injustice to men and legal outrages wife during marriage should, in all fairness, continue to pro-
prompted by women's liberation that he once vide some financial aid lest the good woman be dumped in
planned to renounce his citizenship. "All the poorhouse. But how long should this "debt" continue?
they do is holler and beller," fumed Kopp at And how much should the husband pay? Alimony, after all,
a press conference. "They claim they're dis- has sent more than one husband to the poorhouse (and oc-
criminated against. Actually, they already casionally jail). Unfortunately, alimony often depends on a
have everything they need. It's men who are discriminated judge's discretion, and many judges belong to an older
against far, far worse than women. Especially in divorce generation with a narrow, stylized way of thinking that con-
situations." Kopp now heads Deprived and Discriminated siders women delicate china-doll creatures that require care,
Against Males of Central New York. provision and total security from the busy menfolk. It
• • was no doubt this somewhat senile, antediluvian attitude
In Texas, Donald Beagle, a welding-shop owner, was so that led one judge to award alimony amounting to 105 per-
incensed at denial of visitation rights to his eight-year-old cent of a husband's income! In another case the judge
son that he ended up serving three days in jail. His demanded $1000 a month from a man who earned only
"crime"-attempting to communicate with the boy. Beagle $15,000 a year. Here alimony begins to reek of punishment.
promptly joined Texas Fathers for Equal Rights (TFER). One lucky lady was awarded $9 million . .. even
Formed in 1973, TFER now has nine chapters in Texas and though she was already worth $14 million.
is opening others in surrounding states. "We began strictly Historically, alimony made perfect sense when
for fathers and visitation rights," said Beagle. "Now we the marriage "contract" called for the hus-
have decided to cover all aspects of family life. We want band to be the provider while the wife
men to be responsible for the children they bring into the took care of the household. But
world and to take responsibility off society's back." those days are long since past.
• • • Increasingly, women now
In Minnesota, Richard F. Doyle, an air traffic controller work outside the home
and World War II pilot, founded the pioneering Men's Rights and men share house-
Association (MRA), also touted as Male Boosters and hold duties. To quote
Divorce-Racket Busters. "The whole question of men's a "liberated" women's
rights and divorce is one that society would rather sweep magazine, Redbook:
under the rug," declared the blustery, outspoken Doyle, "With 43 percent of
author of The Rape of the Male. "But silence is not always American wives
golden; sometimes it's just plain yellow. So I'm proud of working-most
being a male chauvinist. If women's libbers cease calling me out of economic
'pig,' I'll gladly return the favor." necessity but many
Doyle recently helped found MEN (Men's Equality Now) because they want a
International, Inc., an umbrella men's rights organization career-housework is
with more than 35 member-groups in the U.S. and Canada. becoming an increasingly
MEN is dedicated not only to justice in the area of domestic shared enterprise."
relations-divorce, alimony, child custody-but also to Commenting on this
equal rights for men in criminal law. "Take Claudine article, a prominent di-
Longet," said Doyle, who is MEN's president. "She kills the vorce attorney, Maurice
man she's living with and gets thirty days! To be served at Franks, asked, "If 43
her convenience. If the roles had been reversed, you, can bet percent of
Spider Sabich wouldn't have seen the light of day for a long, American
long time! " wives
• • •
All these men and the groups they
represent, plus many others nation-
wide, are waging a tooth-and-claw
struggle to reverse the pendulum
of justice that has recently
swung in the direction of
women's lib. The media have
eagerly leapt on the angry,
vocal outcry of women
protesting injustice. But lost
in that outcry is the
indisputable fact that in many
spheres of law, notably
domestic relations, men also
suffer hardship and brazen
inequality.
Illustration by Paul Gulacy
 are working ou tside the home, why do were I ,030,000 divorces in the U.S. and Worse, Ralph seems compelled to pay
so many men have to pay support after probably double that number of separa- the ruinous alimony for life, since in
d ivorce?" tion s. The wife's attorney often takes his New York State it's illegal to set a time
An excellent question . "Also," con- fee as a percentage of the settlement. limit or settle with a lump-sum payment.
tinued Franks, "if the women have to Therefore: The higher the alimony, the Only when Julie remarries is Ralph off
work out of economic necessity while fatter the fee. It's no surprise then that a the hook . But right now Ju lie has no
married, doesn't that indicate an inade- divorce attorney cited in New York intention of remarrying. She's living free
quate income from the husband's job? If magazine's 1977 annual salary survey and easy with a rich boyfriend, who just
such is the case, then how in the world pulled down a hand y $358,444. moved into th e house, and is using the
can the man be expected to pay Even when the husband and wife part interest from her fat inheritance as
alimony, child support, house payments, amicably, they invari ably end up with spending money. Meanwhile Ralph
and rent a room and bu y food for him- separate lawyers. In only a few states are glowers over his nightly dinner of franks
self, too?" and beans.
" Right on!" applaud men's rights The bitterness invariably gets com-
activists. And to carry the inequity a Orten lawyers pounded when chi ldren enter the pic-
step further: Let's suppose the wife,
Vicki, made a whopping salary as a
encourage the feud ture, because in divorce situations the
mother traditionally gets the kids and
department store executive whi le her
husband, Bob, barely eked out a living
between husband the father gets the bills. In recent years
the mother has been awarded custody in
from a small house-painting business. and wife. Divorce is approximately 90 percent of all divorce
Household chores were split 50-50. and separation cases involving children.
The n the marriage broke up. If anyone big business. High Dr. Leonard Bachelis, a psychologist
owed a marital financial " debt" in this
case, it would seem Vicki owed Bob. Yet
alimony means and director of the Behavior Therapy
Center of New York, stated in the New
12 states make no provision for men to
be granted alimony. And in most other
a fat legal fee. York Times that "the breakup of famili es
has reached such proportions in recent
states it rare ly, rarely happens . attorneys permitted by law or by the bar years that the word 'father' is in danger
To check out some other pitfalls, let's association to represent both sid es in a of becoming synonymous with 'visi-
take a typical case. R alph and Julie divorce. Even in those states, lawyers are tor.' " And Bachelis warned that "so-
Lud lam (fictitious names) were married reluctant to hand le both sides for fear of ciety-including the courts, which al-
eight years. No children. Ralph was a cutting a fellow attorney out of a fee . So most automatically give full custody to
New York City architect, Julie a part- it's sometimes the lawyers themselv es the mother-must find new ways of put-
time teacher and housewife . They lived who encourage the heated, "adversary" ting fathers back into their children' s
in a comfortable house in a respectable atmosphere b e twe en an otherwise lives . Not only for the mental health of
and posh su burb . When the marriage friendly hu sband and wife . the children, but of the fathers as well."
flopped, they hired lawyers to draw up No wonder MRA's Richard Doyle A group of six Texan men couldn't
se paration agreements. fumed: "The worst villains are not the agree more. Although the men were
"We'll demand the house outright," feminists but the divorce lawyers quite capable of raising their chi ldren in
crowed Julie's lawyer in a coc ky voice. ... who poc ket several thousand dollars a healthy, loving environ men t, the
"Half of all jointly held property, the car for every family the y wreck. These ras- courts awarded custody of the children
and, let's see, two thou sand a month cals seem to have no idea they are de- to the mothers. In a hi ghly unusual legal
alimony . Sound about right?" tested by the rest of socie ty!" action joined by Texas Fathers for
It sounded a bit outrageous, thought But let's move on to court, where the Equal Rights, they sued the fami ly court
Ju lie, but she was feelin g more punitive silver-haired jud ge listened with a bored judges! "In each case," charged th eir
than generous and said nothing. But look to Ralph Ludlam 's pleas of im- brief, "a judgment has b ee n is-
when Ralph got the news he hit the roof: poverishment. sued ... which denies the father and his
"Two thousand a month?" he sputtered. "Paying all that much will ruin me," c hildren the fundamental constitu-
"I don't even make that much! And what moaned Ludlam . "Julie could work. She tionally protected right to a personal and
about Julie's fucking inheritance ? She could switch from part-time to full-tim e legal relationship .. . that is equal to the
has a quarter-mill ion!" teaching." relationship accorded by the co urt to
"Calm down," sighed hi s lawyer. "She could, but th ere's no law that the moth er."
"Unfortunately, your wife's inheritanc e says she has to," replied the judge, sti- Maybe that sounds like a lot of
isn't part of the jointly held 'marriage' fl ing a yawn. He jotted down Julie's obscure legal jargon . But the men went
property . It's her own private money . part-time income, made some quick on to enumerate aspects of the ir
T he judge will probabl y consider that calcu lations, th e n retired to his cham- c hildren' s lives whereby the moth er
and cut the alimony in half." bers. Wh e n the judge emerge d 20 min- exe rcised total control while they, the
"But Julie wouldn't have wanted that u tes la ter, Ralp h found himself slapped fath ers, remained totally without righ ts
much ," pro tested Ralph . with a $1000 monthly alimony tab. or authority . Namely : The mother, and
"Maybe not," replied the attorney. J u lie got the h ouse-since Ralph only the mother, can decide where the
"But her lawyer does." co uldn't afford his half o f the mortgage. kids can live, and can move at whim; has
Like most men involved in divorce Ju lie got the new car -s ince Ralph total control over discipline; control
and separation, Ralph forgot that the cou ldn't meet the payments . (And over moral and religious training;
marital crisis involved not only himself besides, how else could Julie get to and control over a ll food and cloth ing dec i-
and his wife b u t also a crucial third par- from the house? ) Now Ralph finds him- sions; control over all decis ions regard-
ty: the wife's lawyer. The true profiteers se lf confined to a tiny, dark stud io apart- in g schools, health and emerge ncy med i-
in fai led marriages are often the divorce ment with only a hotplate. It's all he can cal care; control over the kids' estates,
attorneys. Divorce, after all, is big busi- affor d . After paying Julie $12,000 a year earnings and receipt of gifts. The
ness. Forty percent of all new marriages alimony, his net salary is cut in half-to mother-and only the mother-can
will end in divorce. In 1975 alone there $11,000. (continued on page 52)
42 NOVEMBER HU STL ER
"Did you just tart? "
 "Most people are too serious mind. And I expect my lover
when they make love," says to see the humor in the
21-year-old Daphne. "Sex is situation also."
fun, but most approach it like The Long Beach,
a funeral service. And that's California, woman tells us
not for me!" she likes all men-from suit-
Daphne's not saying she and-tie types to brawny
laughs at her man during sex. longshoremen -but only if
"When a man is bringing me they take their sex both
to orgasm, I go with the good seriously and lightheartedly.
feelings and nearly lose sight So, a good-natured smile on
of everything around me," your face is likely to spread
she claims. "But when her lips too.
something strikes me as being
funny, such as my brass
headboard banging the wall
during a hot session, I can't
help but crack up. I know my
downstairs neighbor doesn't

Photographed by James Baes

 MEN'S RIGHTS the children. In an unusual step, the psy-

(continued from page 42)

''Unless she's a chologists focused their attention on the
fat hers. They reported the results in Psy-
chology Today: " ... Feelings of rootless-
consent to the child's enlistment in the prostitute, drug ness and anxiety are common among
recently divorced fathers ... . The sense
armed forces; etc., etc. (the brief went on
for several pages). If some of these gripes addict or beats the of loss of their children was a pervasive
sound trite, consid er the complaint that concern ... . Eight fathers who had been
the mother-and only the mother-can kids, the mother strongly attached, affectionate paren ts
consent to the underage marriage of the said they could not endure the pain of
children.
gets custody of the seeing their children only occasional-
Suppose a 15-year-old daughter wants
a
to marry disreputable, drunken bum.
children." ly .... The divorced men slept less, slept
more erratically and had trouble manag-
The fath er is strongly opposed to the ing the basics of shopping, cooking,
parasitic sot. But the father has no con- in New Jersey, shouting, "It's a one-way laundry and cleaning.
trol ; it's totally up to the mother. And ticket-and you ain't coming back!" "Because they were supporting two
the mother, bless her, just wants the kid One would think, at this point, the households, money didn't go as far as
out of her hair and out of the house! fat her would be simply awarded custody before .... " continued the report in
How would you feel if you were the as he requested. Not so. Switching cus- Psychology Today. "More divorced fathers
father in such a situation ? tody through the courts is no easy mat- than married fathers increased their
" Unless she's a prostitute, drug addict ter. Gantcher would only say, "We've workloads in an attempt to raise their
or beats the kids," declared Neal got a fifty-fifty shot at it." Cou rts are incomes. This created even more stress
Gantcher , a prominent New York notoriously prej udiced against granting for them, since in the first year following
divorce attorney, "the mother gets the the fat her sole custody. Apparently it is divorce many fathers felt immobi-
kids. The husband's got to show she's a far more preferable for the children to lized by emotional problems and were
bad, bad person-or else he loses out." · live with relative strangers-the grand- unable to work effectively."
Gantcher leaned back in his leather parents-who are separated b y still Not a pretty picture. Which is why
office chair 25 floors above the Avenue another ~eneration. (But at least they're Estelle Rubin , a New York City mar-
of the Americas in Manhattan and re- married! ) riage counselor and co-author (with
counted a case he was involved in at the In dissolved marriages society has tra- Edith L. Atkin) of the recent book Part-
time. A couple spli t and the wife subse- ditionally sympathized with the plight Time Father, said that some kind of
quently moved from New York to of the mother- "seduced and aban- therapy or divorce counseling is neces-
Detroit with the kids, aged 12 to 16. cloned" and stuck with the children. But sary in most marital breakups: "Men
Right away the father was screwed . The now men's rights groups are attempting especially need it. They are the ones
custody agreement provided for visits to swi tch attention to the unhappy and who are really at a loss." Men's rights
each weekend. But how could the fathe r sometimes desperate plight of the father. groups would certainly agree, but
afford to fly to Detroit every week? Thus, Texas Fathers for Equal Rights they're also stressing that men need not
Answer: He couldn't. End of his visita- declared : "T h e injur ies men are be totally "at a loss" in divorce situa-
tion "rights." experiencing in divorce is creating a tions. If men enjoyed the same rights as
Next, it turned out, the mother backlash in the form of inability to women, they would be able to demand
moved in with-then married- a fairly work, emotional instability, antisocial sole, or at least joint, custody.
reprehensible man . The kids, said behavior, refusal to obey court orde rs, Men get shafted in subtle ways also.
Gantcher, " begin this tale of woe. The lack of interest in and contact with For instance, there's a California law
stepfather's rapping the kids around, children, among others. " Nor is this just that says a "noncustodial" father (a
dealing drugs, the moth er's drunk, pop- inflammatory propaganda from a bunch father not living with his children) loses
ping pills, you name it." When the of irate "male chauvinist pigs." Three his "parental rights" if he deliberately
father heard of the horrors and tortures, psychologists-E. Mavis Hetherington, fails to support the child for a year. But
he begged his ex-wife to grant him Martha Cox and Roger Cox-recently the law is very different for women . A
custody. But out of spite she wouldn ' t. completed a study (begun at the Univer- mother in California has no obligation
Meanwhile the stepfather was getting sity of Virginia) comparing 72 married to support the child. To preserve her
more and more violent and finally threw couples with 72 divorced couples, the parental rights, she merely has to "com-
the kids on a plane to their gran dparents mother having been granted cus tody of (continued on page 90)

Men's Rights Organizations

MEN International, Inc. Council on Family Law R eform Texas Fathers for Equal Rights
Richard F. Doyle of Mich igan Donald Beagle
P. 0. Box 189 Jack Gysling · 6 12 South Twin City Highway
Forest Lake, Minnesota 55025 11810 Fifteen Mile Road Nederland, Texas 77627
(6 12-464-7663) Suite B-15 (713-722-0734)
Sterling Heights, Michigan
(3 13-939-041 1)
Deprived and Discriminated Against The Society of Single Fathers
Males of Central New York Male Parents for Equal Rights Stephen N . Barnes
Norman Kopp Thomas Alexander, Jr. 70 Clipper Road
P. 0. Box 254 One West Sixth Street Suite 415
Syracuse, New York 13206 Wilmington, Delaware 19801 Willowdale, Ontario, Canada M2J4E3
(31 S-452-0905) (302-571-8383) (416-491-9936)
52 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
'I thought I asked you not to fell Grandpa any of your dirty jokes!'
 PROFILE bY JOHN PUGH
tis difficult to view Carlton Haney for the first time and word he'd say would be worth listening to. "
not think of him as a refugee from a third-rate sideshow. Sample: To start Carlton going, a visitor has only to com-
Standing five feet fi ve inches and weighing 200 pounds, plain that his back has been thrown out of kilter by a ten-
he looks like one of those roly-poly clowns with the hour drive . "I bent over once and couldn't straighten up,"
weighted bottoms , which even when kicked across a Carlton begins. "The doctor said, ' It's a slipped disc . There's
yard will always wobble upright. In fact, his massive nothin' I can do for you.' I went home and got a dead
girth perched upon such short legs causes his feet to possum out of my front yard, cut him open and took his
come down so heavily that he ap pears to be stomping a roach backbone out to see how it was made . After that I knew how
to death wi th every .step. And though he constantly main- to work on my own spine to get it fixed. I fixed a bunch of
tains that he revels in his obesi ty and his corresponding love others after that. One man's slipped out so bad they had to
for fat women-"three hundred pounds and up!"-his call an ambulance. I went up there and everybody said,
weight is a so urc e of woeful self-j ustification. ' Don't touch him. You might paralyze him .' I worked on hi m
"I t's there all right," he says, jiggling his blubber with his about two minutes, and by the time the ambulance got the re,
hands . ,·'Course, it looks worse than it really is 'cause I'm so he was up and walkin' around. Eventually the word got over
shaw-at," he explains in words that almost seem to be to Durham. [Note: North Carolinians persist in referring to
formed from the red clay of north ce ntral North Carolina. As their four major universities by the towns in which they are
he talks of his plans for a diet, his daughter-who has heard located. So for Durham, read Duke University.] A doctor
it all perhaps a thousand times before- begins chastising came up from Durham, I showed him what I was doin' and
him for his eating habits. " I ain't ate a Sayrah Lee cake in two he said, 'I don't know why we have n't thought of that.' A few
weeks!" he roars back at her in mock woundedness. mon ths later he called and said , 'Carlton, yo u won't believe
The baffling irony is : Spend some time with Carlton how many patients I 've helped with your cure. I may write a
Haney and it see ms inconceivable that he can't lose 50 book about it.' And he's goin' to call it The Haney Method of
pounds or so. For he has done every thing else he ever put his Chiropractory.
mind to and, in the process, has emerged a veritable Tobacco " Thirteen years ago I asked the doctors at Durham why
Road Renaissance Man . they couldn't operate on people with sound waves. If sound
"Every dream I've ever had has come true," he says. can shatter glass, why can' t it shatter a cancer cell? Two
"Everythin' I've set out to do I've done. What else is there? years ago they called and said the tec hnique was bein'
Excitement? I have more exci tement right here in Ruffin, developed in Oxford, England. Durin' the Civil War, if
N awth C'lina, in two weeks than most people could have in Stonewall Jackson's Blackhorse Cavalry crossed a bridge in
Las Vegas in two months. Money ? I've got enough to live their normal cadence, the sound waves would collapse the
on. How much else do I need? If I had it, I'd just give it bridge. That's all a bomb or dynamite doe s: send out sound
away . What do all these thi ngs mean in comparison to doin' waves. So I told everybody that at my second bluegrass
some thin' that ain't never been d one before?" festival I was goin' to move the stage with sound. I had thir-
Some of the things Haney has done before, or at le·ast bet- teen musicians on stage all playin' in perfect time. The stage
ter, than anyo ne else include : He was the first to take coun- picked up the rhythm and it shook to where yo u could
try music shows out of the little theaters and into the big actually see it.
auditoriums, and the first to put on a bluegrass festival (near- " You see, the sum total of what you are is yo ur brain. So
ly snatching the music fro m the grave by doing so); he has you got to know how your brain works. When I go to sleep I
discovered, started and promoted more big-name country tell my brain to come up with a new idea, then give it to me
music acts than anyone else; he has been a professional the minute I awake . It might be bedroom shoes with lights in
gambler a nd a professional baseball player; he is writing a the toes . It might be combination locks for cars. That way
book on the history of coun try music , and is contemplating not only couldn' t nobody steal yo ur car, but yo u couldn 't
sites for his proposed bluegrass hall of fa me. To top it all off, start it yourself if you were too drunk to remember the com-
he is a walking repository of such an inc redibly diverse store bination. Most people don't get their brain out until at least
of knowledge, opinions, observations and conversations that noon, and even then they don' t recognize it half the time.
he comes ac ross almost as a combination of Leonardo da But I've trained my brain. That's why I can put on a better
Vinci, Sigmund Freud and Henry K issinger. "If I had to show than any other promoter in the country."
drive from here to California, there's no one else I'd rather It's running shows that is Carlton Haney's entire reason
take with me than Carlto n," says Harold Reid of the Statler for being-along with discovering the acts to play them. And
Brothers. "He'd never stop talking the whole trip, but every it is a talent at which he has very few (if any) peers,
54 NOVEM BER HUSTLER Photo by Frank DeLia
according to the acts that work for him, time they ever made love, the first time intermission. I told Don Reno (the
the agents that deal with him and, above they ever had their heart broke. Conway bluegrass singer), 'That boy's gawn be a
all, according to Carlton himself. sings, 'You've Never Been This Far star.' I took him out to California and
"[People] know when they come to one Before,' a woman thinks of the first time got him his first record contract with
of my shows they gawn see or hear some- a man ever touched her, she wets her Liberty Records. It took him about fif-
thin' they ain't never experienced be- britches and gets her five dollars' worth. teen years but I sure was right. That
fore," Carlton says. "Give any other pro- Then she goes home and makes love to was .. . "(appropriate dramatic pause,
moter in the world the same acts and he her husband like never before. And her accompanied by a far-off gaze, recalling
can't put on the same show. husband knows why. The more the artist the majesty of it) " . .. Willie Nelson !
"When I put on a show I give each one can make you believe he's makin' love to But what made Nelson big? He created a
a soul of its own. Each one will have one you, the bigger he's gawn be. style that ain't never been duplicated.
or two moments that will never happen "That's the next thing I can do that "I was runnin' a show with Porter
again. I talk to the entertainers before the nobody else can' t: tell who's gawn be big Wagoner one night back in '65 or '66
show and get their minds workin'. Then and who ain't. You got to find somebody when Porter brought me this boy and said
when they get onstage they hear things who's ahead of his time 'cause it'll take he wanted me to help him get started. I
they wouldn' t ordinarily hear and this several years to make him. You got to had him sing me some songs. If a singer
causes 'em to create. realize if he can only play and sing or if he can get to me after as many songs and as
"I never tell 'em when they're goin' can create. They come to me all the time, many singers as I've heard, I know he can
on and this keeps 'em excited. I never wantin' to know how to get started. I get to the people. He sang me a song
go up to the box office until after the can tell in five minutes if a man's got it; about prison. I thought, This boy sounds
show. I'm backstage the whole three- not just the talent, but if he's got it like he's done been in prison! He'll tear the
and-a-half hours, gettin' 'em ready to do inside of him. When I find one that people to pieces! I said, 'I'll give you four
somethin' they ain't never done before. does, I tell him, 'You got to create some- hundred fifty dollars a night for you and
It's just like gettin' a woman ready to thin' that nobody's ever heard before.' your band.' That's how I started Merle
screw. "I had Ray Price on a show back in Haggard. To this day there's never been
"Conway Twitty may not even know 1958 or '59. His bandleader said he was another singer who can make you feel
I'm in town, but let me start callin' the goin' to open the show with 'Columbus what's happened to him as much as
spotlights and in three minutes he knows Stockade Blues.' I thought, Lord, why do Merle. That was his creation.
it's me. Pretty soon a mental thing we have to listen to that old thing for the "I walked into a little coffee ·shop
develops. I'm controllin' his mind. Pretty millionth time? The bandleader sang two across the street from where I was runnin'
soon I'm controllin' the audience's mind. lines and the hairs stood up on my arms. a show in Washington, D . C., back in
Most promoters just put on a show. All that night I laid awake in the motel 1962. There was this girl singer and her
"I control their minds. Can' t nobody and could hear it. The next day I said, husband in there. This was on a Sunday
else do it but me. And they want it con- 'Do a couple of other numbers tonight.' and they told me they'd been sleepin' in
trolled! That's why country music fans He did 'Hello Walls' and 'Family Bible' their car since Wednesday to get to sing
don't need booze and pot at a show. and brought the house down. Price on my show. I bought 'em some breakfast
They get high on memories-the first wouldn't even go on ; we had to take an and had her sing me a song right there in
the booth. I could tell she had it, so I let
her sing that afternoon and sell a little
record she had on Zero Records. After-
ward I paid her twenty-five dollars. Nine
years later Loretta Lynn said to me, 'Do
you remember that girl who had to sleep
in her car and didn't even have money
enough for breakfast that day in D. C.?
That was me. When you paid me after the
show that was the first money I'd ever
made singin'. That's why you get your
dates before anybody else. And you al-
ways will.' ·
"The Statler Brothers, I knew they had
a harmony like nobody else and I could
do somethin' with 'em. Harold Reid
asked me to call Johnny Cash and see if I
couldn't get them with him. Cash said
meet him in Canton, Ohio. We took off in
a 1952 Cadillac limousine totin' aU-Haul
trailer. They auditioned, Cash liked 'em,
Harold told him I was their manager, and
Cash's manager asked what I'd take for
them. I said, 'Well, I need fifty dollars to
get back home.' He gave me the fifty dol-
lars and that's how I got the Statlers
started with Johnny Cash. Why'd I give
'em away like that? The money don't
mean that much to me. It's gettin' people
started, helpin' them realize their dream
just like I've realized mine. Besides, I
(continued on page 77 7)
56 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
.~
~0 0

• • •

•
 t'falmelfas a.one-man woman
beeause that type of
relationship is as creative as her
stage performance. When she's
in bed with her mate, nothing
turns her off.
"Anything he wants to do, I
want to do, and anything I want
to do, he wants to do.''
It's hard to guess which of
Sheree's performances is
better-public or private. But
she'sjust finished touring the
East Coast and Canada and
now plans on treating the men
westofOI' Muddy. Yotican
judge at least one of her
performances, if you keep your
eyes peeled.

I.
 T he Chinese have come up with a new form of
population control. Their women are now
keeping the shoe and bronzing the baby.

I n Germany, during World War II, they set a

new record for stuffing people into a Volks-
wagen-28. What the y did was put two Germans in
the front seat, two Germans in the back seat and 24
Jews in the ashtray .

A drunk got on a bus one very hot summer after-

noon and went to the only availab le seat. An
elderly woman, several seats in front of him, would
remove a bottle from her purse, raise it to her lips
and then place it back in her purse. Since he was
extremely thirsty , the man decided to in vestigate.
After several stops only a few passengers re-
mained on the bus. The man moved toward the
woman and little by little made his way to the seat
next to her. For the fifth time since he'd been on the
bus , she reached into her purse and again got the
bottle. When she raised the bottle to her lips , the
drunk grabbed it and gulped half of its contents. He
su ddenly dropped the bottle and began to gag.
" God, this shit tastes awful! " he shouted to the
woman . "What is it?"
... and if you lhink "I have TB," she replied . "That's my spit bottle."

lhal's funny... Q UESTION : What do you get when yo u cross an

elephant with a rabbit?
ANSWER : A dead rabbit with an ass ho le two-and-
a-half feet wide.

A customer in a gun shop asked the salesclerk for

a .357 Magnum. " That's a mighty powerful
gun, my friend ," said the clerk. "What do you
intend to use it for ?"
w. e heard a story the other d ay about a promi-
nent southern university that is taking steps
to go alon g with President Carter's energy plans.
"Oh, I just want to shoot some cans," came the Sci entists there are working on an experiment to
answer. cross an oc topu s with a black wino . Their object is
"Why don't you save yourself some money and to get an eight-row cotton picker that operates on
buy a .22?" asked the clerk, trying to help. "It muscatel.
would be plenty powerful for just shooting cans."
"Well, I kinda had my mind set on the .357."
"Sure, fella, you're the boss," said the baffled The HUSTLER Dictionary defines relative humidity
clerk. "But just what kind of cans do you plan on as: the sweat that runs off your back when you
shooting?" screw your sister-in-law.
"Well," said the customer, "Mexicans, Puerto
Ricans and Africans."
T hen there 's the one about the drunk who
stumbled into a tavern one evening with dog
shit cupped in his hands. He sauntered up to the bar
Q UESTION: What do a beaver and a screen door
have in common? and, laughing proudly, said to the bartender, "Look
ANSWER : The more you bang them, the looser what I almost stepped in ."
they get.
Q UESTION : What is black, smoky and hangs from
the ceiling?
I n the middle of a lovemaking session, a young
man, after sucking away on his girlfriend's tit,
noticed a vile-tasting liquid in his mouth.
AN SWER: A Polish electrician.

"Damn," he said. "Your tit must be full of milk!" Th e other day we heard of a new way to get rid of
"You've got to be joking," she replied happil y. the crabs. Find a faggot who has a craving for
"No, I swear," he said. "When I sucked on your seafood.
tit it came out."
"Whew! That's a relief," she said, wiping her
H USTL ER H urn or jokes are sent to us by our readers. if yo u 've heard
brow. "The doctor thought I had a tumor! "
a gut buster lately, how about sending it our way? Su bmit yo ur joke to
us on a file card, mailed in a sealed envelope, to: H UST LER Hu mor,
Do you know why God made pubic hairs so curly ? 40 West Gay S treet, Columbus, Ohio 432 15. If your joke is selected, we
If they were straight, they'd poke yo ur eyes out! w ill send you a check for $2 5. Sorry, but we canno t retu rn jo kes. •

68 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
". . . A little to the right . . . Yeah . .. Now up a little . . . . "
 oward Hughes began having kidney problems shortly a.tter he was
severely 1n,1 ured in the 1946 crash of' an experimental. reconnais-
sance plane of' his own design. The mashed-up millionaire lett the
hospital before proper surgery could be performed, and lived the
rest of' his life with internal displacements that were never surgically cor-
rected. James Phela.rt, in his book Howard Hughes: The Hidden Years, wrote: "For
years [Hughes] had had the habit of urinating into a wide-mouthed mason jar
while reclining on his lounge chair. His kidneys were malfunctioning long before
they failed in Acapulco and precipitated his death. Relieving himself took hours,
and he was too weak to sit all that time in the bathroom."
The emaciated form of' the world's wealthiest recluse lying back on a. lounge
chair, the once-proud Hughes tool slowly emptying the contents of his
beleaguered bladder into a. mason jar -this was not a. pretty picture to Mell
Stewart and Gordon Margulis, the former Hughes aides who supplied the infor-
mation to Phelan for his book. There is nothing particularly odd about the f'a.ct
that Hughes had a. kidney problem and had to piss slowly into some sort of recep-
tacle. But the book went on to say that jars of' Hughes's piss were collected dur-
ing the years of his stay a.t the Desert Inn in Las Vegas, and here is where the
story gets weird: "Instead of' being emptied, the jars had been capped and
stacked in a. corner of' his little bedroom. The employees had to get rid of a. three-
year supply of Hughes's urine and then wash and destroy the jars. One aide kept
interrupting the job to go off into a.n adjoining bathroom and retch."
Phelan didn't say whether or not the decision to save this piss came directly from
Hughes himself, or whether it was made by someone else without Hughes's
knowledge - possibly a.n upper-echelon aide, or another person within the Hughes
orga.niza.tion. ·
In mid-December 1976, newspapers picked up the wire-service reports on the
Hughes-piss story. These reports contained nothing new on the piss puzzle; they
simply brought to the daily press one more item in Hughes's catalog of
"eccentricities."
Toxins that enter the system of a. person with defective kidneys are likely to
change his thought or behavior patterns. Typically this change manifests itself
in a. preoccupation with detail. Bearing this in mind, many of Hughes's "ec-
centricities" reported since his death seem to make a. certain degree of sense.
Hughes could sit through countless reruns of the film .Ice Station Zebra., each
t ime grooving on previously unnoticed details. When he ate Ca.mppell's chicken
soup, he would insist that his aides maintain it a.t a. precise temperature and a.
consistent ratio of chicken to stock during the eight-hour periods it would often
take him to consume a. bowlful.
There was method to Hughes's septic madness-based upon attention to detail
and fortified with a. strange kind of nit-picking logic. For example, he refused to
wear underwe ar with metal snaps, doubtfu l to me when I heard it, so I just Sunshine added. "I mean, like, I remem-
preferring the kind with drawstrings. chalked it up to rumor. The Hughes-piss ber somebody throwing champagne on
To the man in the street this may co ntroversy, however, got me thinking. somebody's head. It mighta been some-
sound peculiar, but the man in the street Could it be possible th at celebrity-piss body around The W ho-like Keith
doesn't con sider detail as Howard collectors look upon Hughes's urine as a Moon or somebody like that." Sunshine,
Hughes did . With Hughes's reported highl y prized commodity? Had un- however, heard no talk of urine in con-
opposition to the atomic testing being scr upul ous ai des , unbekn ow nst to nection with the in cident. I as ked
conducted in the Nevada desert, and Hughes, been se lling Hughes's piss on Sunshine if Rex R eed was wet when he
with the high degree of radioactive par- the black market an d pocketing the pro- got into the limo. " I don't remember,"
ticles said to be floating around in the ceed s? Was the old man himself in on replied Sunshine.
warm Las V egas air, it figures that the this scam? There was enough urine One detail of the rumor was shot
Desert Inn's top-floor tenant did n't store d in that hotel room to douse the down by his acco unt, however. Accord-
want to wear undies with radiation- entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir-and ing to Sunshine, the party took place in
attracting metal snaps. I aimed to find out why! the lower level of the subway station.
Radiation -attracting metal snaps? As Although I was unable to track down The upper level was closed. All soft-
Hughes's flu nkies must have informed the musician who was my source for the drink machines were on the upper
him, such a danger would be incredibl y To mmy piss rumor, I managed to get in leve l - so th e Tommy guests had no ac-
minute. Nuclear radiation attracte d to a touch with several persons who were at cess to them. The Tommy rumor and the
metal snap would be infinitesimal. Tiny the party in the subway. "I was there- identities of the rock musician and film
as it was-as his flunki es wo uld have an d I didn't see anything like that take critic remain unverified .
had to admit-the amoun t of radiation place," replied an employee of Andy A New York City disc jockey told me
attracted to cotton, or other cloth, is stillWarhol Enterprises-a fellow named another celeb-ur in e tale. This one
less than the amou nt a ttracted to metal. Chris, who would not supply me with involved the late Jim Morrison, lead
Loco, maybe-yet logical. his last name (most lik ely out of a fear of singer of The Doors. One evening in the
But even in this microcosmically being linked in any way with piss late 1960s, so the story went, Morrison
detail-based logic system, Hughes's piss rumors). was enjoying a few drinks with so me col-
storage seemed inexplicable. Why d id Ronny Sun shine, a New York City leagues at Max's Kansas City, a
this nut save his pee? chauffeur who was at the Tommy soiree Manhattan night spot. Too stone d, or
that night-and who drove some of the possibly too paranoid, to use Max 's
Trying to make some sense out of the guests, including fi lm critic Rex Reed, men's room like the other working stiffs,
mystery, I fl ashed back to May 1976. At home after the party--told me that if Morrison opted to publicly piss into a
a party in Berkeley, California, an ob- suc h a thing had in fact occurred, "We half-empty wine bottl e. Seizing her
sc ure musician told me someth ing that wo uld a heard abo ut it. I sorta vaguely "gol de n" opportunity to impress Mor-
stuck in my mind. H e informed me of remem b er somet h ing like that," rison, a waitress at Max's supposedly
the ex istence of a black market for ce-
lebrity urine . The piss of Jimi Hendrix
and of Lyndon Baines Johnson and doz-
ens of other celebs, livi ng and dead, was,
he said, then available to those who had
the cash and knew where to go.
The musician also related a bizarre
story, which he swore was true. At a par-
ty staged in a New York City subway
station several years ago, to celebrate
the opening of the motion picture Tom -
my, a noted rock star b ro ke open a bottle
of vintage James Dean urine from his
collection and poured it over the head of
a popular film critic. Both persons were
celebrity-urine collectors, and the film
critic had not, for love or money, suc-
ceeded in obtaining a specimen of the
legendary actor's urine. The rock star,
even though he prized his Dean piss,
poured most of it on the critic just to get
h is goat.
The cr-itic, u pon learning that he had
been doused with Dean urine, broke for
a soft-drink vend ing machine as soon as
his orgasm was comple ted. He put in 15
cen ts and pulled out the cup before
either ice or soda could drop into it.
Then he wrung his shirtfront over the
cup -salvaging close to three o unces of
the precious flui d , which, to this day, he
wears around his neck inside a glass
medallion, a min iature replica of Dean's
death mask .
The credibility of this yarn see med
72 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 grabbed th e bottle of piss and vino off I had originally heard this rumor pushers wanted to make more kale, he
th e table and drank most of it, to the thirdhand. Fortunate ly, I was able to could dilute a jar of extremely rare Bela
amusement and applause of Morrison pin down its source relatively earl y in Lugosi pee with, say, the urine of some
and his friend s. the game. If I had heard it from a fifth or unknown busboy or hotel desk clerk.
This rumor went throu gh a series of sixth person, the tendency to exagge rate What, indeed, was to keep a pee ped-
permutations before I finally traced it to on the part of rumormongers might h ave dl er from passing off his own tinkle as
its sou rce , a guy named Danny Fiel d s. twisted the tale to the point of having that of Mae West, Lassie or Rod
Today Field s manages the punk-rock Morrison standin g on the tabletop, pi ss- McKuen ?
group The Ramones, bu t b ac k in the ing directly into the waitress's mouth . According to urologists, it would be
late '60s h e was Morrison's press agent. So it is with rumors: Tantali zing streams an easy fraud to perpetrate. One per-
Fields says he was there in the b ac k of bizarre information can often be so n's urine , it turns out, is pretty much
room of Max's, and th at this is what traced to mere trickles. the same as another's . When divided
actually went down : Despite a ll , the celebrity-urin e ru- into 1000 parts, healthy urine, according
" We were si tting at the roun d table in mors have persisted . In one story, a to the basic formula, includes 960 parts
th e corner and Morrison was very prominent Beverly Hills general practi- water and 40 p arts solutes, to wit :
drunk, and to get up he would have had tioner was known throughout H oll y- 23 parts urea
to h ave crawled under the tabl e. H e just wood as " Doc to r to th e Stars." If a celeb 11 parts sodium chloride
took an empty wine bottle off the table, came in to have so much as a wart or 2.3 parts phosphoric acid
an d quietly-not publicly-just quietly hangnai l removed, the clever doc tor 1. 3 parts sulfuric acid
put it be tween his legs and peed into it. would routinely take a urine sp ec imen. 0.5 parts uric acid
And then he put it b ack on th e table. He It all paid off when he retired at age 45. 1.9 parts of organic salts,
put the cork into it, and our waitress- Now the former movieland medic is said urobilin, leukomaines
who everyone had reason to be pissed off to be livin g on dividen ds from hi s blu e- and hippuric acid
at for other thi ngs ('cause she was a ch ip stoc ks, paid for with mone y from M y piss information in order, I once
lousy waitress) -was going by. So , as he the illicit sale of T in seltown tinkl e. more tackled the rumors.
was ge tting up to leave, he said to her, As I waded deeper into th e celeb- One celebrity rumor, which I heard
"''Oh, I couldn't finish the wine, but it's urine pu zz le, one obvious qu es ti o n from a small -scale Chicago magazine
~so goo d, why don't you take it ho me as a bothered me. Before launchi ng this in- di stributor, had its roots in solid facts. I
~ gift from me?' And she beamed a nd vestigation, I had always assu med , like checked out some dus ty back co pies of
;; said, 'Oh, tha nk you.' And she clutched any layman, that "piss is piss is piss." TV Guide to authenticate it. During the
~ the bottle to her h eart and went running What wou ld prevent a disreputable 1954- 1955 television season, CBS aired a
ll off to the waitresses' room with it, and dealer in ce lebrity urine fr om "cutting" 60-minute variety show called Shower of
~ that's the last we ever saw. But no one the piss specimens of H ollywood big- Stars. Rumor had it that CBS hired psy-
C: drank it in public or peed in publi c." wigs? If, for instance, one of these piss chologists to come up with the title, but
there is no documentation to support
th e rumor-theory that the title was cal-
culated to appeal to the subconscious
minds of closet celeb-urine fans . How-
ever, it is interesting to note that Shower
of Stars was broadcast only once a
month- preempting a weekly TV
dr ama show with another unlikely
name : Climax.
Could it be that studies were made by
the network in th e mid-' 50s to deter-
mine the ratio of the televiewing
audience that preferred showers by stars
to normal sexual climax? If the choice
of the variety show's title was truly
based on these alleged surveys, this
would indicate that fully one-fourth of
the American public was unwittingly
preoccupied with celebrity urine way
back in the 1950s ! And we old-timers
were shoc ked by the Kinsey report?
In R oman Catholicism the urine of a
saint would technically qualify as a
second-class relic. Exactly how much
urine of the canonized is stored in the
Vatican is anybody's guess. Relics are a
serious affair, howeve r-so I do not
mean to suggest even the remotest
possibility of hol y-water sports.
It would be tempting simply to dis-
miss all of these urine rumors without
trying to trace them . But no fact-minded
news hawk could turn his back on all of
them, knowing that a place called " The
Toilet" actually did ex ist.
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 73
 New York City's reputation as collectors-not even a single, tiny Hughes ever checked the garage he'd be
"Sodom and Gomorrah on the Hudson" classified ad-they just confirmed my assured his orders had been carried out.
wasn't impeded any by the goings-on at suspicion that the rumors I had been Periodically he' d send a man out to 'go
a notorious biker bar known as the following were mere myths. I'd been count the jars.' This became a joke with
Toilet, which was located on the seedy sidetracked-on a wild-goose chase. I off-duty people.''
Lower West Side . The leather-and- therefore dismissed the celeb-urine col- So, according to Mathison, Hughes
chains crowd flocked to this palace of lector angle, and returned to more con- started saving his piss in the early '60s-
putrefaction, which featured a men's ventional channels in pursuing the a few years after he hired Robert
room with more human toilets in it than Hughes-piss enigma. Maheu. Maheu, who would never meet
porcelain ones. The Toilet's trade was Hughes in the flesh, nevertheless wound
exclusively male, both the pee-ers and Sleuths will tell you that invariably up second only to The Man himself in
the pee-ons. Piss-slaves would cluster there comes a point in any investigation terms of wielding power within the
there for an evening on their knees, Hughes organization. Maheu leads us to
drinking the urine o( the more mobile Watergate, Fidel Castro, the CIA
faction of the Toilet's clientele-until .. . and shit.
the city closed the place down, reported- Columnist Jack In His Weird and Wanton Ways,
ly for health-code violations. Mathison reported the following ritual,
Now that the Toilet is closed, the Anderson shed a part of Hughes's routine during the
new "in" spot for its select clientele Bel Air period: "A car would emerge
(" Don 't use the urinal-use my some much-needed and speed off with a small jar to nearby
mouth!") is a place called the Mine
Shaft. Its Greenwich Village location-
light on the matter UCLA Medical School each morning
and a messenger [would] arrive back a
Washington and Little Twelfth streets-
is ideal for a clientele with outre tastes
of Howard few hours later. Hughes insisted that his
feces be analyzed in a lab and a report
and a swishy orientation. The ambience Hughes's shit. returned daily."
of this new piss-and-Harley hangout was Jack Anderson's column (Chicago
described to me as being "like a Daily News, March 1, 1977) she d some
Virginia tobacco auction. " A piss-slave, where they reach an apparent stalemate. much-needed light on the matter of
bound in chains, is displayed before the This was my stalemate. The celeb-urine Hughes's shit. Anderson's source was
audience. "I've got a toilet here who reports had failed to hold water. The the Internal Revenue Service's secret
wants to be pissed on," shouts the bar- press had been unable to explain why file on Hughes. Anderson reported :
tender/master of these bizarre cere- Hughes' s piss was saved. Philip Nobile , " [Hughes] spent his last years confined
monies . "Who will be the first to piss on in his syndicated "Conversations" col- in an asylum of his own creation, alter-
this cringing, subhuman privy?" One by umn (Midwest Magazine, a Sunday sup- nately making multimillion-dollar deci-
one, patrons whiz on the ecstatic piss- plement to the Chicago Sun- Times, Feb- sions and issuing elaborate instructions
slave until he is completely drenched in ruary 13, 1977), interviewed the previous- on the disposal of his penthouse waste .
urine. The pissers are then rewarded ly mentioned Mell Stewart and Gordon Once, he directed that it be removed in
with beers on the house, and the cycle Margulis, former Hughes aides. When a 'taped brown sack' and 'dumpe d into
repeats itself. Nobile asked why Hughes's urine was some refuse container' far removed from
Is the appeal to bikers of such places saved, one of the ex-aides responded: the hotel. "
as the Mine Shaft a clue to the Hughes- "That's a mystery to us. But we can Hughes's concern for the fate of his
piss labyrinth? After all, several of the guess that it started accidentally when feces , as reported by Mathison and
nation'.s most notorious cycle gangs one aide said, 'Well, I'm not going to Anderson, changed the picture con-
have names seemingly derived from empty the jar,' and another aide says, siderably. The study of excrement "in
Howard Hughes-produced motion pic- ' Neither am I.' It's as simple as that. His medical science is known as scatology.
tures: the Chicago, Milwaukee and room was an abomination." Medically, it is possible to get a good pic·
Cleveland Outlaws, the Hell's Angels. Was it that simple? Somehow I wasn't ture of a person's state of health by
Who can say for certain ? buying this glib rationale . Obviously, at analyzing his turds. Anderson went on to
So far, my search for hard information least some of Hughes's aides were up to say in the same column: "The improbable
on the Hughes-piss caper left me high their necks in all this piss, figuratively Hughes was deeply involved with the
and dry. After all the rumors had speaking. The only remaining questions Central Intelligence Agency in some of its
petered out, I sought facts from the only were: who, how and why? darkest operations, inclu ding the
two authentic, sure-enough publications The operative word was " security." attempts on the life of Cuba's Fidel
catering to the urine crowd : Water and The book His Weird and Wanton Ways: Castro. Hughes's man in Washington,
Power and Waterworks. I phoned Jaun- The Secret Life of Howard Hughes consists Robert Bennett, also worked closely with
dice Press in Van Nuys, California, the primarily of information supplied to the Watergate plotters.''
outfit that publishes these "pee-riodi- author Richard Mathison by Jeff Chou- Reenter Robert Maheu. Maheu was
cals," and spoke to Rosalyn Jardine , a inard, a former Hughes security man . also accused of involvement in the 196 1
member of the editorial staff. She had According to this source, Hughes was Castro assassination attempts. Accord·
never come across any verifiable reports saving his piss even when he was living ing to the book The Hughes Papers, by
invo lving celebrity-urine collectors- in his Bel Air, California, chateau with Elaine Davenport and Paul Eddy with
and her word seemed authoritative. "We his wife at the time, Jean Peters. Wrote Mark Hurwitz : "Maheu entered into
take our water-sports fetishism very Mathison : the plot enthusiastically. In fact, he
seriously," explained Ms. Jardine. What "When [Hughes] eventually left [the spent so much time in Florida planning
The New Republic is to liberal politics, chateau] years later, there were hun· Castro's assassination that his major
Water and Power and Waterworks would dreds of [urine] jars gathering dust. client, Howard Hughes, began to com·
appear to be to piss-freakdom. Since Obviously the household servants who plain about Maheu's unavailability.
these sterling magazines had no confir· had this task didn't save all the jars, but Maheu sought and obtained permission
mation of the existence of celeb-urine were cautious to store enough that if (continued on page 80)
74 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
BOB BISHOP

obert K. Bishop, an underground cult began to wield an airbrush a couple of years

figure among bondage devotees, follows ago. Before Bishop cut his ties with Milan to
In the tradition established In the ' 40s by enJoy the freedom of free-lancing, some of his
John Willie-the artistic and erotic depletion of best work from the "Milan period" was complied
bondage and discipline (B&D) situations. In three volumes entitled 81Jhop on Bondage ($5
Bishop' 1 fledgling art career as a designer of each , plus $1 postage and handling, from House
fenders and floorpans for General Motors was of Milan, Box 24080, Los Angeles, California
Interrupted by a two-year stint In the Navy. 90024).
Being laid off by GM after his return from the Since Bishop has been denied exposure In the
service proved to be the stroke of luck that sent national media , and because we are so highly
Bishop to the bondage-oriented publishing firm Impressed with his work, Including his lllustra·
House of Milan. There Bishop developed the tlon for Sex Play ("Glory Bound") In our Sep·
style that the hypocritical standards of America's tember 1977 Issue, we are showcasing these
magazines have kept most people from seeing. seven original Illustrations-created exclusively
Although he began to draw a following with his for HUSTLER by the undisputed master of bond·
simple pen-and-Ink work early In his five-year age art . This Is 32-year-old Bishop's first, long·
gig at Milan, Bishop didn't hit his stride until he overdue appearance In a national publication.
SHOWERED BY HOWARD Washington, Robert Bennett. If not
from previous experience with toilets
(continued from page 74) and urinals to get piss specimens
Khrushchev had ("leaks"?), how did the Watergate oper-
from the CIA to reveal to Hughes what atives get the nickname "plumbers"?
he was up to. Hughes, with his abiding no idea that his Take these suspicions, add Howard
fear of Communism, approved and gave Hughes's well-known paranoia and sep-
Maheu his blessing to spend whatever urine was being tic detail-consciousness, and you can
time was necessary."
Shortly after Hughes's flight from the
collected by the begin to draw a few conclusions. Shaky
perhaps- tentative at best- but they
Desert Inn in 1970, Hugh es fired
Maheu. Two years later, in his famous
CIA, which had certainly knock such frail straws as the
celebrity-piss theory into a cocked hat.
te lephone interview with the press dis- rerouted his toilet. Parenthetically, it should be noted
pelling Clifford Irving's "Hughes bio- that it is quite possible that the celeb-
graphy'' as a hoax, Hughes was asked piss rumors were deliberately started
why he canned Maheu. "Because he's a On March 18, 1965, the overweight and kept alive to mislead investigators
no-good, dishonest son of a bitch and he Egyptian ex-king slumped across his such as this reporter ... bu t
stole me blind," responded The Man. table at a fashionable restaurant in the started by whom? The IRS, for instance,
In reality, Hughes may have fired his outskirts of Rome, dead . The cause of would have a motive to create a market
second banana because Maheu and/or Farouk's death at age 45 was officially for celebrity urine if such a market did
the CIA had him scared shitless. Or, recorded as a heart attack. Is it possible not already exist-the IRS could then
conversely, had him scared into saving that the CIA found Farouk's weakness assess the roomful of Hughes's piss as a
his shit and piss. by analyzing his piss, then slipped some- taxable part of the estate.
In his book CIA : The Myth and the thing into his pasta? It's reasonable to assume that Hughes
Madness, Patrick J. McGarvey stated: Then there's the story of the CIA was aware, from Maheu or others, of the
"Another [example of the expertise of toilet-tap performed on the john in piss-taps on Farouk and Khrushchev, as
the CIA's Technical Services Division] Nikita Khrushchev's hotel room during well as similar capers thus far unreported.
is the story of the CIA team that stole a the Soviet premier's visit to New York At any rate, McGarvey's revelations were
sample of King Farouk's piss. The in September 1960. It was during this first published in 1972. The shenanigans
object of the exerc ise was to determine stay in the Big Apple that the memora- of the "plumbers" became a matter of
his exact state of health. To achieve it, ble U.N. shoe-banging incident took public record in 1973. The most logical
they rigged up the men's room of one of place. Outraged at statements made by answer to the question of why Hughes's
the gambling cas inos in Monte Carlo the Philippine delegate to the General urine was bottled and saved is that he
wi th a de vice that captured the urine Assembly, Khrushchev turned red-call- didn't want any of it to fall into the hands
flowing through the urinal to the sewer. ing the Philippine delegate a "jerk" and of his enemies, who might then use
All of this was done without the a "lackey of Western imperialism" as he urinalysis to determine Hughes's state of
knowledge of the owners of the estab- pounded hi s Russian brogan on a desk. health-which he kept a well-guarded
lishment. When Farouk was at the gam- After returning to his hotel, Khrushchev secret.
ing tables, one CIA officer stationed had no idea that his urine was being col- The only person who could finally
himself on a toilet in the men's room lected by the CIA, which had rerouted verify any such theory would be Hughes
with a peeping view of the two urinals. his toilet. himself. I considered setting up a seance
He gave a coughing signal when Farouk All of this caused me to think about to get a confirmation or denial from The
entered and another coded cough telling the Watergate conspiracy, which Jack Man himself on this final theory. But the
the men on the other side of the wall Anderson connects to Hughes through credibility of such a method would be
which urinal he was peeing into." the participation of Hughes's man in doubtful : Hughes might lie about it.
Consider how many "Last Wills and
Testaments" he left behind.
We will probably never know exactly
whom it was that Hughes feared to the
bizarre extent of stashing his piss: a
recalcitrant CIA . .. a spurned Robert
Maheu ... a curious IRS ... rival busi-
ness interests ... men within his own
organization ... ? All of these and many
more were enemies or potential enemies
of Howard Hughes. To allow his piss or
shit to fall into their hands, thus arming

\ them with a knowledge of his current

health status, was one edge that cunning
old poker player would never give to the

~-~t-tfih)
guy across the table. It could give the
other gambler the upper hand-and the
pot.
Although it has often been stated
since Hughes's death that the recluse
wasn't playing with a full deck, it must
be said in his defense that when it came
to piss, Howard Hughes always had a
full house .W
80 NOVEMBER HUSTLER ·
"Now do you believe I'm a natural blonde?"
MEN'S RIGHTS virgin of 13 years (or, in legal language,
" nonforcible, nonmarital, carnal knowl-
(continued from page 52) In Illinois, a man edge of'). He promptly received a pris-
on term of from 10 to 20 years. Mind
municate" with the child. The intent of guilty of incest yo u, the "ni.pe" was "nonforcible."
this law is to make adoption possible for gets a 20-year Nevertheless, the man had committed a
crime. But on hiring an attorney, he
children when they're not being proper-
ly supported. But there's also the sug- sentence, but for learned that the same crime when com-
ges tion, as one noted attorney pointed mitted by a female-carnal knowledge
out, that "the father's obligation to pay
the woman the of a male not her husband, under the age
for support is more pressing than his penalty is only of 16-was classed simply as a misde-
natural obligation to communicate with meanor and punishable by confinement
his children." In other words, the law 10 years. of only two to six months .
reenforces the narrow stereotypical role The discrepancy was obvious. Two
of the father as " provider" -and only Their brief challenged that men were punishments fit one crime: one penalty
provider. It reenforces the prejudice treated differently than women and for the female , a far more severe penalty
that the mother's emotional contact demanded that the government cough up for the male. But when the man
with the child is somehow more impor- benefits. Sure enough, the courts agreed. appealed that the law was unconstitu-
tant than the father's. When the government appealed, the tional because it discriminated against
To demonstrate a different kind of Supreme Court sided with Wiesenfeld. men, the court disagreed. It stated that
injustice that men's rights groups have An era of blatant sex discrimination had "there is a far greater likelihood of
been squawking about, one merely has finally ended. · physical injury w a sexually immature
to glance at Social Security. Up until But one bahle doesn't conclude the female of thirteen than to a sexually·
just recently the Social Security Act war. And one . war that men's rights immature male of thirteen." Undeni-
allowed payments to a "covered" widow activists continue to wage with increas- ably, females run the added risk of preg-
with eligible children- but denied those ing fervor concerns the area of crime nancy. But the court seemed to ignore
payments to a man or widower. Finally, a nd punishment. Explained Richard the fact that young boys are as capable
in 1975, th at inequity was challenged. Doyle : "Men get shafted, from arrest to of being damaged and traumatized by
Mrs . Paula Wiesenfeld , a teacher confinement. For example, if a man very early sex as are young girls (Hall v.
covered under Social Security, died in looks into a home while a woman is McKenzie, 1976).
childbirth, leaving her husband Stephen undressing, he's arrested for window- Thus, in numerous states men have
and their son as sole survivors. Wiesen- peeping. Reverse the situation, with the objected to rape statutes that seem to
feld asked the government for the woman looking into a man's home, and pin the blame exclusively on men or
money his wife had paid into Social the man will still be arrested-this time that provide widely divergent penalties.
Security over the years she'd been teach- for indecent exposure. In Texas a man Robert F. Gould, Jr., was convicted in
ing school. The government checked the and a woman went skinny-dipping. The Colorado of screwing a willing 12-year-
records, then paid Wiesenfeld for his man was arrested, the woman wasn't. A old. When convicted of gross sexual
son, but not for himself: A woman's Social women's prison is sometimes like a cam- imposition, he cried foul, since there was
Security benefits could not be transferred pus: complete with TV-equipped, fur- no law in Colorado that punished
to the widowed man. nished cottages. Men 's prisons, " females for seducing underage males.
Wiesenfeld was outraged. It was ram- charged Doyle, "are often like dun- The Colorado Supreme Court, however,
pant sex discrimination. Finally a friend geons, with the prisoners caged like ani- nixed his objection (People v. Gould,
hooked him up with an aggressive local mals behind steel and concrete." 1975).
lawyer and together they sued the govern- Take the crime of statutory rape. In Similarly-in Arizona-a man named
ment, claiming that section 402 of the West Virginia recently Arthur Hall, Jr., Mark D. Kelly sneaked into a woman's
Social Security Act was unconstitutional. was convicted of screwing a female bedroom through the window, bran-
dished a serrated steak knife and raped
.?'.p \~•.......... -.... her. When convicted of rape, Kelly
appealed, charging that Arizona's rape
Q<(-..OC ro<o statute was unconstitutional because it
~r;Jr THANK YOU
punished men for rape but never women:
" . .. The statutes make it a crime for a
man to commit a sexual act upon a
FOR NOT woman without her consent while a
/r~
. ......, FARTlNG woman, however, who commits the same
sexual act upon a man without his con-
sent cannot be charged with the crime of
rape."
Nice try, Kelly, said the Arizona

c?
Supreme Court, but no dice . "The
statute satisfies the real , if not compel-

~
/ ~.) )~ @~ ling, need to protect potential female vic-
tims from rape by males," said the court.
"However, for obvious physiological as
well as sociological reasons we perceive
no need by males for protection against

90 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
J/<o\1'\ I females from rape which would be suffi-
cient to demand legislative attention"
(continued on page 7 70)
"Hey, Sarge! I think I found what all that screaming was about!"
with arthritis, Bennie was the victim of water from his red eyes. " Goddamn, girl. looked closely at Clara. " How you feel,
chronic alcoholism. He was drunk when Is that all the booze we got left?" honey?"
he painted the sign. His intention was to On the third try he managed to pinch "Terrible," said Clara. She opened
show it to Clara, who at 68 looked like a a cigarette from a pack on the bedside her robe, revealing wrinkled, sagging
mummy untombed. table. His fingernails clicked audibly as breasts. "I got these pains in my chest
She too was afflicted with arthritis he seized the cigarette. Once in his all the time ."
a nd ac ute alcoholism. The only mouth, the cigarette became sodden "I'll rub your tits," said Bennie.
difference between Bennie's and Clara's with saliva. He struck the match four "That'll make 'em feel better." H e
p hys ical and mental ailments was times before lighting it. began to gently massage her breasts.
Clara's being bedridden with a heart Clara tried to fix her gaze on Bennie's "Oh, Bennie. Be careful. You know
condition. head. But her colorless eyes were unable how easy I bruise there. Take it easy.
" Be n nie ?" C lara's whiskey voice to focus and seemed perpetually vacant. For Christ's sake. Take it easy!"
ras ped . "Bennie? Where are you? They had looked for too long a time at "I ain't rubbin' hard . You're gettin'
Answer me!" the misery around her. so's I can hardly touch you anymore,
Ben n ie quaffed another shot of It took Clara long minutes of agoniz - honey." He continued fondling her. Her
whiskey. As he swallowed, he braced ing movement to sit up on the edge of robe fell off her bony shoulders onto the
himself, wrinkling his lined face . He her bed. More long minutes to light a crumpled bed.
sneezed , farted like a draft horse and cigarette with tobacco-stained fingers . Clara dropped her cigarette into a
grabbed the cluttered kitchen table for "You'll have to go to the liquor store, large pail beside the bed. "Let me lie
support as he began coughing. His chest honey," said Clara. "And get some down, sweetheart." She lay across the
and shoulders heaved spasmodically for cigarettes too." She waved through a bed, opening her legs as Bennie's
a full three minutes before he recovered cloud of smoke. "What time is it?" gnarled, arthritic hands caressed her
from the coughing spell. By that time he "Jesus Christ, Clara. There's the god- pubic patch. "U mmm, that's better,
had forgotten abou t Clara's plea from damn clock right by you ." Bennie sat Bennie. That's much better." Her
the bedroom. beside Clara on the edge of the untidy mouth opened slightly and she placed
Bennie stood swaying before the small bed. "You blind?" He dropped his cig- one hand on Bennie's back, rubbing it
table, which was strewn with overflow- arette into Clara's drink. "Goddamnit. gently as she made noises in her throat.
ing as htrays, dirty glasses and dishes Now look what I did, Clara. I put my "Finger it, honey. Finger me!" She
caked with weeks-old food. His arthritic cigarette in your drink." hooked her heels on the bed's railing.
fi n ge r s weaved li ke snakes as he "There's more whiskey, ain' t there?" Feeling Bennie's fingers inside her, she
searched the pockets of his gray shirt. Her raspy voice rose in alarm. said, "That's it, honey ... yes ... yes!"
T he shirt had once been white. Bu t now "Yeah. Here, I'll pour you a drink in Bennie stroked her slowly, then faster,
it was as soiled as his broken spirit. my glass. Anyways, I gotta sober up for as she responded in the way he'd come
W earing slippers with worn-down the bus. It's nine-thirty .. ." he turned to know so well. Bennie rose and
heels, Ben nie shuffl ed into the be droom. to look out the bedroom window, removed his trousers as Clara rolled
" W ell , Clara. By God, there you are," " . .. a.m. If I hurry I can make the ten- onto her side. Bennie kneeled behind
he cackled . His trembling hands wiped thirty bus and be back by noon." He her on the bed. She seized his half-erect
penis and stroked it to firmness.
"It's ready, C lara. 01' Dick is ready."
Clara rolled onto her stomach. Bennie
straddled her thighs, spread her but-
tocks and entered her asshole. He
stroke d to emission and withdrew quick-
ly. Rolling onto his back beside Clara,
he lay with his eyes closed.

It was 1:30 p.m. before Bennie caught

the bus to the liquor store. Three-thirty
before he got back. He always sneaked a
few drinks for the road.
"Clara, honey," Bennie shouted. "I'm
home. Got a half-gallon of Canadian
Mist, a twelve-pack of PBR, two cartons
of Camels... . "
Entering the bedroom, he found Clara
in tears. A bent, pathetic figure sitting
on the edge of her bed. She had dropped
her cigarettes and they lay on the floor
between the bed and night table. She
looked up at Bennie. Bennie felt guilty
about being away for so long. He liked
talking to the strangers he met in bars.
This afternoon he had gotten carried
away by his own alcoholic tales of glory.
Now, as he sat near Clara's side, patting
her shoulder, he was faced again with
ugly reality. "Aw, now, sweetheart," he
said. "Did you miss me that much? You
(continued on page 702)
94 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
"Would you like a glass of piss to wash that down , sir? "
BENNIE LOVES CLARA "Yeah, I know. I ain't supposed to get
excited. But goddamn. I didn't do it,
(continued from page 94) Clara ... I didn't, and the sonsabitches
Clara was the knew I didn't!" He fell silent for a long
think I ran away? Me? Leave you? No
way, lover. We made a deal in the nurs-
answer to an old time, his mind recalling memories he
couldn't forget, no matter how he tried.
ing home, remember? We'd stay to- convict's prison
gether 'til death do us part."
Clara shrunk from Bennie's patroniz-
dream: a rich old The young boy stared, fascinated, at
Bennie's erect penis as he and Bennie sat
ing hand. "Knock it off," she said. "Just woman who loved to on a riverbank in a densely wooded area.
give me my goddamn cigarettes. I'm When Bennie at last coaxed the
having a nicotine fit!" be fucked in the ass. youngster into sucking his cock, he
He lit her cigarette and poured her a forced it down the boy's throat, grasping
drink. Talking with smoke in his mouth, the back of the boy's head as his semen
he said, "Well, Jesus Christ. You sur- with one hand while reaching for her shot into his mouth. Bennie had left the
prised me there, girl. Here I thought you drink with the other. boy still sitting by the river. Later,
was bawlin ' because you missed Bennie finished his drink, rose and however, the youngster was found floa t-
me .. . thought I'd been in an accident walked around to his side of the ing facedown in the river. Strangled. A
or something ... and . .. hell ... all rumpled bed. He lay down. "Remember witness had seen Bennie and the boy
you're bawlin' about is you dropped the how we met, Clara?" walking under a trestle toward the river.
goddamn smokes and are too goddamn "God, I was really miserable," said He was sentenced to life in prison.
lazy to reach down and pick them up. If Clara. "I hated that shithole nursing It wasn't innocence that secured Ben-
that ain't a helluva note, Clara." He home, and I was trapped. Like you were nie's release 17 years later. It was a legal
looked keenly at her, shaking his head. during those seventeen years in prison." technicality. The psychiatrists and the
"You've been gone all afternoon, Ben- She tossed the drink into her open police at the mental hospital where he
nie. How come it takes you so long just mouth, dropped the short butt into the had been confined prior to his trial had
to go to the liquor store?" She touched a pail, then lay down beside Bennie. She forced him to take a drug. After ad-
withered hand to her mousy hair. placed her head on Bennie's shoulder. ministering the drug, they had taped his
"Goddamnit, Clara. I have to wait for His· left arm around her neck, Bennie oral confession.
the bus, don' t I? And, besides, I missed fondled her breast as he talked with her. It took 15 years for Bennie to find a
two buses 'cause my arms got tired car- Clara placed her right hand on his cock, sympathetic ear. A young law student
ryin' the goddamn stuff. And I hadda go squeezing it gently. They lay with their visiting the prison talked with Bennie
back in the store to set the booze down eyes focused on a mirror near the foot of and became interested in his case.
and rest. I couldn't set the goddamn the bed, as if seeing a film of themselves Several months later the law student was
stuff on the street, could I? Well, could as they talked. successful in pressuring the authorities
I?" He threw his cigarette butt into the "That's right, Clara," said Bennie. to open an investigation. The new evi-
pail and immediately lit another smoke. "Seventeen years. Seventeen years of dence that emerged was turned over to
"I s'pose not," answered Clara, some- long-suffering, motherfucking time. And an attorney, who in turn took it to the
what mollified. She felt relieved he was I was innocent. I swear to Christ. I was state supreme court, which reversed
home again with more booze. No one innocent!" He pounded the bed with his Bennie's conviction on the murder
had been there to cater to her whims right fist. charge. A few days later Bennie was
and she had felt deserted. "Listen, "Easy, honey," Clara said tenderly . released. The same lawyer then filed suit
honey," she said, "I'm sorry I hollered " Remember what the doctor said about against the state in Bennie' s behalf.
like that. I do miss you when you're your heart." She patted his prick as These proceedings were still in progress
gone. Rest a while." She patted his arm though to burp it. when Bennie entered the nursing home
where he met Clara.

Clara had been divorced and living

alone in a huge house. Her daughter
would come to shop for her, do the laun-
dry and act indignant when her mother
refused to enter a nursing home.
Clara had numerous properties:
matured insurance policies, three houses
and several other valuable real-estate
holdings, all of which provided enough
of an income to pay for private care.
Nurse after nurse had been sum-
moned to Clara's bedside, but she was
unwilling to cooperate with the medical
help which had been retained for her
care and comfort. All the care and com-
fort Clara wanted could be found in a
bottle, and she took to her bed, where
she began to drink herself into a state of
mental and physical deterioration.
She would have succumbed to these
"What can I say? A last request is a last request." maladies had her daughter not taken the
(continued on page 7 7B)
102 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 By Gary Carey
This is the true story of a Do you have an unusual story to tell concerning one of your own sexual from the office and hurried
relationship that started all encounters? If so, write it down and send it to HUSTLER's Kinky down to the bookstore.
because I purchased THE Korner, the section of the magazine tha t is written by the readers, for the When I looked in the win-
BEST OF HUSTLER #2 . readers. We pay $7 00 for each such story we publish. Your submission dow and she smiled and
One Friday, after cashing should be approximately nine typed (double-spa.ed) or printed pages waved to me, I knew that my
my paycheck, I decided to in length and accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. fears were unfounded .
spend m y lunch break Insid e, she told me that it
checking out the latest skin wo uld be better if she met
mags. I went into the local me after work, since her boss
bookstore and was par- didn't like to have people
ticularly taken by THE hanging around. We agreed
BEST OF HUSTLER #2 on to rendezvous at a nearby
the men's magazine rack. restau rant, and she told me
The cover showed a big- to expect her about 15
tilted woman kneeling on al l minutes after she got off
fours, but it wasn't the pose work. Before I left, she
so much as the model that handed me a brown paper
caught my attention. She bag, thanked me as if I were
looked just like Melissa, my a c u stomer and turned
ex-wife. She had the same around to sort a stack of new
express ion and the same magazines .
smile-even the way her tits When I got to the res-
hung and her ass stuck out, taurant, I opened the bag
ready for cock, reminded and found a pair of sheer red
me of Melissa. My mind panties and a note. Rose had
was flooded with memo- written that she too had
ries. Doggy-style had been memories, and that she was
her favorite position. looking forward to our shar-
I hadn't seen or heard ing them. She said she had
from Melissa for a couple slipped her panties off to
of years , but the memory of show me that she wasn't a
those hot nights in bed with tease. She also said that if I
her had my cock stretching didn 't want to go through
the crotc h seams of my pants with it, she'd understand.
to the limit. I wo uld have Using a menu as cover, I
liked nothing more than to held the panties under my
have her sweet, hot tunnel nose and sniffed the rich
milk my tool to a mind- fragrance Rose's cunt had
blowing climax. I must have left on them. I returned the
been pretty deep in reliving
those moments because I
hadn't even noticed the How HUSTLE panties and note to the sack,
and sat watching the door as
visions of being naked in bed

Changed My Life
sales lady who had walked up with her filled my head.
to me. After what seemed like
She as ked me if I'd like to hours, Rose entered- her
purchase the magazine and tits bouncing freely as she
smiled, obviously eyeing my bulging her mid-30s. Her legs were long, she had made her way to the table. As she sat
cock tent. I said I would, then followed a firm ass, and her well-filled blouse down, she told me she was glad I hadn't
her to the counter, trying to explain along with the outlines of her nipples backed out, placing her hand on mine
away the lump in my pants by telling pushing against the material revealed while pressing her leg up against my leg
her that the cover girl had reminded me that she wasn't wearing a bra. under the tab le.
of my ex-wife. While she was p utting the magazine She ran her fingers lightly over the
The saleslady agreed that the girl was into a paper bag, she told me that if I felt bulge in my pants while we waited for
very beau tiful, and as she looked agai'n li ke talkin g to someone about my ex- her drink to arrive-then we toasted
at my hard-on, she said my ex and I wife, she would be off work at 5:30. I eac h other and made formal introduc-
must have been very close for me to asked her out for dinner and drinks, and tions . When she finished her drink, she
become so "emotional. " I explained she accepted. On my way out she told said she'd like to go someplace where we
that we had been married for seven me her name was Rose. could be alone.
years, but things just had n't worked out. The afte rnoon seeme d to drag on, and I chugged down what was left of my
As she rang up my purchase, I noticed I wondered if she was really going to drink , and we rushed to my car. Once
that she had a nice body for a woman in keep her date with me. At 5:00 I bolted inside, she unzipped my fly and pulled

Photo by Frank DeLia HUSTLER NOVEMBER 103

out my throbbing ramrod . She told me guys for her to screw or suck off while he on her. I told her that no one was ever
she couldn't wait to suck it and feel it watched. Then, Rose told me, Fred going to piss on her again. I took a long-
inside her. And as we drove to my apart- would call her a whore, beat her and overdue piss and felt like a new man.
ment, she gently stroked it with her even piss on her for enjoying someone When I turned around, Rose was stand-
fingertips . else's cock. She said that it got worse ing at the door. She said with a laugh
When we got into the apartment, she and worse . Her husband began chaining that it was her turn and sat on the john.
unbuttoned her blouse, pulled it off and her to the bed to beat her or make her I watched as a torrent of piss and cum
let it drop to the floor. Her large breasts watch while he sucked off some guy or poured from her crotch into the toilet.
jutted out firmly and were peaked with fucked an old whore. She looked so lovely, with a smile that
beautiful nipples. I cupped them and It finally came to an end when her made her face beam almost like a
kissed and nibbled on them as she undid husband started shoving things like teenager's.
my pants. Coke bottles and thick wooden dildoes We returned to the bedroom and lay
When I commented that she seemed up her cunt and ass . She said that on one down again. Then she told me there
pretty horny, she told me that she was occasion her husband was so cruel that was something she would like for me to
my hot, cock-s tarved whore. I continued she fainted while he was working her do to her if I wouldn't be offended. I
sucking her tits as I unzipped her skirt. told her I was ready for anything, and
Then I ran my hand through her hairy when she said she wanted me to fuck her
crotch, slipping two fingers into her
squishy, we t hole . We were kissing pas-
Thanks to in the ass, I was glad to comply.
She rolled over onto her belly and
sionately now, our tongues darting in
and out of each other's mouths, when
HUSTLER, I lifted her ass up in the air. She looked
back at me and smiled as I fingered her
she suddenly broke the kiss and asked began to pump asshole to prepare this rear passage for
me to be good to her. my cock. Then I pressed the tip of my
I only nodded and finished undress- slowly in and out cock against her browneye and en-
ing. Then we pressed our naked bodies couraged her to relax. When the head of
together and resumed our kissing as she of that tight my shaft wormed into her hot, tight
leaned back against the wall and opened
her legs enough to slip my cock between
opening. bunker, she let out a moan . She seemed
to loosen up, and my rod slipped in to
them along her silky slit. We stood like the hilt.
that for a long time without moving. over. When she awoke, he was gone, I held that position for a second to
Then I told her we should go to bed probably afraid that she would file crim- allow her stretched asshole to get used
so that I could kiss her all over, tongue inal charges against him. Although she to the feeling. Then I began to pump
her sweet cunt and then give her a nice, hadn't seen Fred since, she said she had slowly in and out of that tight opening.
slow fuck. She kept her hand on my been leery about going out with other She humped upward each time I pushed
cock as we went to the bedroom. She men. His sexual mistreatment had made my cock into her. I slipped my hand
hopped onto my bed and spread her legs her fearful of all men. under her belly and began to rub her
wide as she lay on her back. Rose began crying, and I kissed her, twat, shoving three fingers into it as I
I climbed in beside her so that my promising to be gentle. Despite her massaged her clit with my thumb.
cock was ne xt to her face , and I started weird story, I had another raging hard- M y cock and fingers began to work in
burrowing my mouth into her crotch. I on and rolled over on top of her, press- unison- and before long I had to re-
began to taste and lap her cunt and clit, ing the tip of my knob against her moist move my fingers from her cunt and hold
fingering her tight asshole, while she hole, inching it into her warm love pit. onto her hips as my body shook with a
licked and chewed on my cock and She raised her hips and shoved her cunt tremendous climax. She got off at the
balls. She had the juiciest cunt pie I had against my member until I was all the same time , and we collapsed on the bed
ever eaten. She was having her third way in. She began humping frantically , as her ass muscles squeezed the last
climax by the time my cock and balls wanting me to fuck her hard. drops of semen from my prick.
stiffened to their fullest as the jets of I held tightly against the bed until she We got up and climbed into the
cum started shooting down her throat. had calmed down, and told her I wanted shower, playing under the spray like
We lay side by side, kissing each other to make love to her, not just fuck her kids. We took turns lathering each
afterwards. I found that the taste of my cunt. Then I kissed her and began to other's body, stopping occasionally to
own cum didn' t bother me as I sucked work my cock slowly in and out of her hug and kiss. Then we returned to bed
her tongue into my mouth. snatch. She relaxed and hooked her legs and fell asleep in each other's arms .
Rose was gently fondlin g my cock over my pumping ass . She told me how The next day Rose moved in with me .
and I was playing with her tits when she good it felt as I concentrated on giving So far everything is working out won-
asked if she could talk to me. I told her her pleasure. She climaxed twice more. derfully. We're both getting all the sex
that was one of the reasons we had got- And when I shot my load into her we need-when we need it-and we can
ten together. She explained that she hot, soupy cunt during the second of talk to one another without worry. We
needed someone to talk to as much as these climaxes, I could tell she was understand each other's needs.
she needed sex. thrilled that I had come at the same time I still have the copy of THE BEST
It seems that Rose and her husband she did . OF HUSTLER #2 that brought us
Fred had gotten a divorce about a year Panting and out of breath, we lay together. Sometimes Rose pretends to
before. She said that he had always been together kissing as her cunt muscles be Melissa and does all the things I
oversexed, and while he had taught her continued milking my rod. She told me enjoyed when I was married . Or some-
everything she knew, she learned some that she had never climaxed with her times I pretend to be Fred- but without
things from him that she wanted to husband or any other man before. all the rough stuff.
forget. He had gotten kinky about sex Later, when I got out of bed to go to Thanks to HUSTLER, I met some-
and started bringing home different the bathroom, she offered to let me piss one really special to share life with .W
104 NOVEMBER H USTLER
 November is the month in which the trees lose on page 111. All photos become the non-
their leaves. We hope it is also the month in returnable property of HUSTLER Mag'a zine.
which your lady will imitate nature by becom- Send your entry to Beaver Hunt, 40 West Gay
ing undraped for Beaver Hunt. You see, Street, Columbus, Ohio 43215.
women;-unlike trees, get· better when they get The coveted HUSTLER · Beaver Hunter's
naked. Besides, if you get involved with a license will be awarded to everyone who sends
tree, you'll have only elm blight and splinters us a photo, and if we ,publish your honey's pic-
to show for it. By taking your girl's picture ture you'll receive a $50 contribut or's fee. If
for Beaver Hunt, on the other hand, you can your lady is chosen as Best Amateur Beaver by
get clpse ,to nature and rak,e in some long a panel of HUSTLER staffers, she may be
green at the same time. , offered a chance to appear in one of
Send us a sharply focused color photo-no HUSTLER's pictorial spreads. If we decide
~lack a~d whites, pleas~ -of _yo~r favorite to feature her in the magazine as one of our
nude model along with a short personality Honeys, she'll receive a $1000-$1500 profes-
profile. Coax her to be as candid as possible, sional modeling fee. So take her p icture-and
and be sure to fill out the model release form let nature take its course.

Photo by Stacey Plotts

\-\. s one\li
pnoto b'l w.

An outdoor woma
~eavJttsburg, Oht• Mary Jane B. of
riding. The 18 o, especiaJJy enjo
dreams of maJc-.iyear-oJd restaurant.ls horseback
ng Jove on a t osteu •
ropicaJ beach .

...
 Photo by Jim F.

""' '"

Twenty-eight-year-old Mary
Lou Herbert has been posing
nJ,lde for her husband for ten
years and says that's what
keeps their marriage alive. A
housewife and seamstress in
McCutchenville, Ohio, Mary
Lou loves wearing sexy
clothing and undies. She
dreams of starring in an art
film with a virile man. talc:::::;•::;;::;;;;::;::~l!ll!·~
Photo b
Y Joe Wh ·
1te

Twenty-eight-r;:~~:~i~a:~r~::~!
would love togS ndy a housewife in
bedroom. a
r likes' gardentng
.
an
d
. M:inne::; (~;you can see) loves to
hshtng, pose nude.

h to by Ron Rohlf

Being an advertising manager and

art director keeps 27-year-old
Aimee Notestone of Lancaster,
Ohio, busy, but she still finds time
to wash cars and choppers. Aimee
longs to be the personal property
of the roughest biker around, who
would ball her anytime he wants,
preferably in front of his frien s
while inviting them to join in.
Photo by Mike Notestone
 Photo by R. Skip Broadnax

Cecillia Broadnax, 25, of

Denver, Colorado, enjoy• a
variety of hobble• including
liatening to muaic, playing
tennil, awimming and having
aex. Cecillia il a dancer whoae
favorite fantaay il making love
ith two men at the aame time• . .••••llllllll·llf:~'=\~
 •

Photo b
Y Jarne
s Cotern an

CB-radio enthusiast Joy Raley of

Mineola, Texas, likes all kinds of
spectator sports. The 44-year-old
assembly-line worker fantasizes about
posing nude for a group of men, or
someday making it with Rock Hudson.

Den·
ta . Jse Cr .
SJzes a aycraf
Place bouts t fan -
elevats, such as e~
c in unu
en. 0 rs and rowd sua]
D Jse sub ed
L e~· • 2 6 h lVa
lVh Jngton' ails fr Ys.
ere sh '' l{ent om
e sad Ucky
anc er. '

no o by Bob Lewis

Motorcycle ridin
back pac k ing, campin
g, d
partying are Kath P g an'
hobbies. The 20 y ence s
stude -year-old
Rh" ~t of police science from
meander, Wisconsin
~.antasizes about being '
tfucked to death" b y a .
s range woman wh h
picked her o as just
Photo by M. M. up.
MEN'S RIGHTS have placed men's rights activists in Union and the Legal Aid Society have
c_ourt seeking to bypass ineffective or just turned down his request for counsel
(continued from page 90) corrt.\pt legal counsel by providin g due to "conflict of interest" problems
sound, low-cost advice. The MRA offers with the Delaware Bar Association. "This
(Sta te v. Kelly). At least the court was divorce counse ling that, it claims, can attack by the Bar Association," declared
willing to consi der Kelly's appeal. save men about $5000 plus their children. A lexander, "is essentially an attack on
Men have also argued that incest laws Such tactics, naturally, don't always First Amendment rights in our domestic
discriminate unfairly against men . Thus, meet with judicial approval. The Min- relations courts, where the shabbiness of
in Illinois if a man is guilty of incest he nesota Bar Association was so enraged at treatment must cause Justice herself to
gets slapped with a maximum prison Doyle's meddling in its business that it hang her head at the very shame."
sentence of 20 years, bu t for a woman sued him for "practicing law without a Technically, ~f co urse, Alexander and
the penalty is only 10 years. license" and even managed to hang a 30- nonattorneys like him have no legal
While men's rights groups respect the day jail sentence over his head for con- righ t to practice law. But their point is
law and courts, they are not beyo nd de- tempt of court- because he refused to open well taken . Men cannot rely on disin-
li b erate defiance when extralegal the MRA's files to the Bar Association's terested lawye rs to protect and pursue
meas ures seem necessary. For instance, probers. their rights. Too often these lawyers
the Minnesota Men's Rights Associa- Doyle, unsurprisingly, snorted a t the have vested interests, financial or other-
tion (MRA) recently admitted it was c harge : "T he suit is typically self-serving, wise. And too often men ge t crudely
heavily into the child-rescue game. "If the initiated as a reaction to our success in shafted when they wander naively into
goddamn co urts won't enforce their breaking up their divorce racket. domestic relations co urts in hopes of fai r
own [custody] orders, we'll do it for ... You're damn right I'm in contempt of and just d ecisions regarding t heir wives,
t hem," vowed fiery Richard D oyle, who court, and I'll stay there until they their child ren and their money.
cited the notorious Seward Mellon case straighten it out." A similar service is pro- Doyle modestly summarized himsel f
(the father " kidnapped" his children vided by Thomas Alexander, head of a and h is book, The Rape of the Male:
from the mother). "Our experienced Delaware men's rights gro up called Male "Finally someone had the guts to expose
operatives snatch these kids back to Parents for Equal Rights. women's lib as BULLSHIT! and
where they belong, fast and clean," con- Alexander-who, like Doyle, is not a to prove that me n ge t screwed far worse
tinued D oyle. "We charge a fee, of lawyer-faces a jail term for rendering than women in today's society an d legal
course- that's how we finance our legal advice without a license to men in system . Finally someone, without pulling
struggle to gai n equal rights for m en." divorce and cus tody battles. Ironically, punches, told men how to co unter
T ho ug h D oyle refused to give a n exact Alexander himself now can't afford a law- institutional prejudice and avoi d lawyer
figure for the fee, it's reportedl y around yer to fight the "powers that be" in rip-off in divorce . We may never catch
$1000 plus. Delaware. up to women's lib . But let the word go
Somewhat less sensational strategies And both the American Civil Liberties forth: The battle is joined!" iJ

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11 0 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
PROFILE: CARLTON HANEY to Carl and Pearl Butler when they hit r-----------,
with ' Don't Let Me Cross Over.' But

III HUSTLER
(continued from page 56) they didn' t listen- and I doubt they've BEAVER HUNTER
ever got a thousand a night. MODEL RELEASE
could go find me another group tomor- "Ray Griff-I had him on a show and
row. Nobody else can't but I can, 'cause he jumped out into the audience. I Beaver Hunters, here is the model release you
must send to us with your entry in
I'm the only one that knows what to wouldn' t book him no more. Several years
HUSTLER's amateur photo contest (see page
look for. later he asked me to put him on another
105). Models should be shown totally nude.
"Billy Craddock, I heard him in a lit- show. I said, 'The only way I'll do it is for
Faces must be visible in photos. Nove lty
tle club over in Greensboro, knew he you to let me tell you what to do, right photos will be considered. Mail to:
had it, so I took him to Nashville and down to pickin' the songs you sing.' He HUSTLER Beaver Hunters Contest, 40
nobody would record him. I paid for the went out and got an encore. I kept on West Gay Street, Columbus, Ohio 43215.
session myself. I couldn' t get nobody to usin' him and he kept on gettin' encores.
take it, but finally I leased it to Chart Conway saw what was happenin' and
Records. I've since been offered twenty hired him. Three months later he was Model's N arne
thousand dollars for those masters. I back jumpin' off the stage. Conway called Address
give 'em back to Craddock. What do I and cussed me out. Conway let Griff go
need twenty thousand dollars for? Buy and I ain't seen him for years. As far as I
another home ? I've got four of 'em know, he's still jumpin' off stages. And Age Phone
already . I just wanted to help somebody still gettin' two hundred fifty a night. He
get started that I knew could make it. couldn't do it without me. Photographer
"Conway Twitty, I heard my wife play- "I can tell you who's got it, who ain't,
Occupation
in' an old album of his. I went and found who's gawn make it, who won' t, why they
him out in Oklahoma City, told him I'd will or won't make it. 'Cause I study Hobbies
give him six hundred fifty dollars a night. people. I know if they got somethin' the
Second night I used him was in Memphis. audience wants. And I know how to get
George Jones was supposed to be the it out of 'em. I know how to get things Sexual Fantasies
headliner, but he didn't show. I went out out of 'em they don' t even know they
and said, 'George hasn't let me down have in themselves! Sonny Osborne [of
'cause I had a contract with him whether the Osborne Brothers] always said the
he showed or not. But he's let you people golden years of country music was when
down, the ones who's bought his records I was runnin' my Country Shindigs. Include separate sheet if necessary.

and been his fans all these years.' Pretty And he's right.'' Send prize to: 0 Model 0 Other
soon I had 'em hollerin', 'We don't want "Carlton made Bobby and me a half-
the son of a bitch!' I said, 'Then I got million dollars," says Sonny. "It sure
somebody here I think you will want. was the golden years for us . Carlton is a
mixture of many, many things. Like I hereby give HUSTLER Magazine, its successors
He's been a rock 'n' roll singer, but from and assigns, and those acting under its permission or
now on he's singin' country.' Conway many successful people, he has a upon its authority, permission to copyright and/or
blowed the roof off, saved the show, and definite genius, but also a definite publish any photographs, of myself with or without
I knew he had it. So I got him out of degree of eccentricity. He's had about a using my name and to make changes in or additions
to suc h photographs o r portraits, in such manner as
Oklahoma City and made him a star. million ideas that haven't worked, but shall seem proper to their use. I also understand that
He's another one that gives me my dates the few that have worked have offset all editorial maUer will accompany these photos. I cer-
before anybody else. the others. Most of what he says is based tify that I am of full age and am possessed of full legal
capacity to exec ute the foregoing authorization.
" Then there's Charley Pride. Jack on fact, but he gets his details confused MINOR: The person photographed is a minor. My
Johnson [Pride's manager at the time] sometimes. He doesn't do it intentional- signature grants my permission for the minor to be
asked me how to do it. I said, 'You got a ly, but he either believes what he says is photographed and the photographs may be used as
stated above.
black man who sings like a white man. true, or else wants it to be true so much
Talk about creatin' somethin' different! that he often tells it like it is true. But
That's about the most unique thing when he claims he caused the boom in Model's Legal Signature
we've ever had. But don't put him out country music and single-handedly
there right now at seven hundred fifty resurrected bluegrass music, he's entire- Paren t or Legal Guardian
dollars a night. Wait until he gets big ly within his rights." L - - - - - - - - -- - J
and can get it all.' What so many of 'em Conway Twitty adds to these re- seemed, was in either tobacco or cotton.
do is fill a demand before it's even cre- marks. One of country music's biggest He achieved only a perfunctory high-
ated . They get one record and then let stars and also a good friend of Haney, school education, and upon graduation
those Nashville agencies run their asses Twitty too has said he takes many of the went to work in a battery plant.
off for four hundred dollars a night. By promoter's words with a grain of salt. While attending a dance in nearby
the time they get up to where they could Country boys like to tell good stories- Danville, Virginia, he became enamored
ask four thousand, they've burned out. and Carlton's are some of the best. of Bill Monroe's daughter and, through
What they got to do is stay out of the big her, met Monroe. "He asked me if I'd
auditoriums and work in clubs until There is nothing in Haney's formative ever booked any shows," says Carlton. "I
they've created enough demand. This is background to indicate he would some- told him I hadn't. He said, 'I'll show you
what I told Buck Owens. He moved in day be country music's number one how.' The shows did well and he asked
with me for a week and I told him how impresario, star maker and wheeler- me to come to Nashville with him. I went
to be a star-what to do and, more dealer. He was born 48 years ago in the out there for two years in the early '50s
important, what not to do. Buck listened nondescript hamlet of Reidsville, North and nearly starved. I came back here and
and he made it. Jack Johnson listened Carolina, a little place just south of the in 1955 met Reno and Smiley, and they
and Pride made it. I told the same thing Virginia line. There everyone, it (continued on page 7 7 7)
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 111
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 HAVING WON A LOCAL.
iAL.ENi CONiEST FO~
HER TEA~-:rERKING­
RENDrTION OF" PL.OW
11
MY FURROW 4:JOHN 80l',
., t40Nf'f I~ AI NASHVIL.L.E.'S ~..........~~~--1111111
OPRVL.AN17 FOR IHE'
NAIIONAL.. COUNTRY
SIN<7·0FF •••.

Ifill
HOWDY, NEIGHBOR .
CHRIS'T 1 I SOUND RA<;.Pi. WAN N A GeT YOUR
I ' D BETTER L.UBE "THE OL.' ROCKS OFF~
"TONS IL.? BEFORE :t. GO
ON STAGE:!

'·

HUSTL ER NOVEMBER 113

 ••• I-40NE'Y HAS COATE:P HER 'TEAR5 ON MY PILLOW,
VOCAL CORDS--AND HER PAI N IN MV SNATC.H I
CHIN-- WITH :nZ.ZUM ~ WOUL.Dt-I'T A FUCKED
THAi NEC:.RO IF F
1'D A KNOWN ;:
WH AT ~·D CATC!-1 •••

NATIBNAL
COUNTRY
MtJSIIJ
SING
OFF

""fHe CROWD EA'TS II UP, ANI7 8'1

"THE END' OF HER SONG "THERE
ARE NO DOUBTS ABOUT WHO
WON II-IE CONTEST!

••• 50 DAR UN'., PLeASE FoRGNE ME,

AN' OPEN UP THE DOOR,
1 PROMISE WHEN THE 1715CHARGE STOPS,
~'I.L BE YOUR PRIVATE WHO · 0·0 - ~ - R.-R·E}
,r Fr A

114 NOVEMBER HUSTLER

 As A WINNER OF THE
SING-OFF I HONEY IS
AWARDEI7 S 1000 IN
CONFEDERATE MONEY,
A LIFETIME SUPPL-'7' OF
MAIL. POUCH AND A ONE-
WEEK GIG AT COWPIE's,
IHE HIPPEST HONKY-
TONK IN MUSIC CIT"/.1

•• • WITH A COAT HANGER, AHP

A LOTTA PAIN, .(
THAT CH ILP OF OURS WENT
POWN T HE PFtAJN ,. •

FOR 51Y. S IRAIGHT NIGKTS, HONEY

r HOWDY 1
AH~
KNOCKS ' eM DEAt7 • • • :JOHN NV
GA'SH.'

YUP, 11 15 !-lONE OTHER "THAN

'THe MAN IN PINK HIMSELF,
:J'OHNI-IY GASH·· KNOWt-1 AROUND
"TOWN A~"SUE".. COME TO
HEAR HONeY SING •• •

GIVE IH IS
INVIIAIION TO
"THE S INGER. "I
WANT HER 10 C'OME
10 MAH PART'( !

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 115

 HOWI7Y 170, HONEY! Gl-AD
YOU COUL..t7 MAKe IT! YOU FEEL-
LIKE ENTERTAININ 1 US~

. BUT HONE'/ DECIDSS 'TO

· PUT HER PUSSY "lO MOR:E.
At-JDSO PRAC.TI.CAL- USE ••• .
IT GOES, A CHANCE i '
SING BACKUP ON SORRY I FEL.LAH5! IF
FARIHTO
iHENIG111'; . ~AH NEW RECORD. 'l:'M GONNA MAKE A .
CN YOU MAKE A l..IVING INITH MY CUNi ~
AS HONEYS NOISE L.IKE AN
PRIPPI~G IT AfN 1T GONNA
EIGHTEEN-WHEELER BaBY FA(::(iiNC5
DEW POT WITHA FLAT? 'TI-4ROUGH 111
EARNS HER
THE OFfER
OF • ••

NEXT MONTH, HONEY TAKES ON

A TRI~E OF RAUNCHY REOSKINS.

116 NOVEMBER HUSTLER

PROFILE: CARLTON HANEY it. He got so mad I thought I'ze gawn
have to hold him . We got outside an d he
(continued from page 7 7 7) said , 'You mean they treat you like this
Haney has a everywhere?' Ph il adelphia, they were as
asked me to book 'em. I set up the first remarkable, almost nice as could be, but when I said I
early-mornin' country music TV show in wanted to bring a country music show in
Roanoke, Virginia, with 'em. I could psychic, ability to there, they treated me like I was crazy.
book a lot of acts in the area 'cause I foresee music trends. "But by the time I quit in 1972 I had
could give 'em the opportunity to be on thirty-seven cities from Philadelphia to
TV. In 1964 Reno and Smiley split, He's to bluegrass Oklahoma City, runnin' one hu ndred
leavin' me with no one to work with. what Ringling was forty-three shows a year, buyin' a mil-
" I had been studyin' bluegrass music lion dollars' worth of talent. Loretta
for nine years . I knew what made Chub- to the circus. Lynn said I fe d Nashville for five years.
by Wise's fiddle playin' different from Once I got goin', Ringlin' Circus did n't
Benny Martin' s and what made Benny' s up shows in those buildin's. Just like th e even want to book near me . I was out-
different from Bobby Hicks's, all those festivals, everybody in Nashville said it drawin' everythin' . One man flew down
little things. I could even tell when one couldn't be done twice . Even the artists from Chicago to one of my shows. H e
musician had loaned his instrument to laughed at me when they found out. said, 'Every time I try to book an act,
someone else and he was playin' without One day I understand they were all sit- they're working for you . I wanted to see
his usual instrument. So I decided to put tin' around sayin' that I couldn' t pull it if Carlton Haney really existed! ' "
on the first bluegrass festival. Nobody off when Lucky Moeller [a former
had ever done anything like it for Bob Nashville talent agent who handled Haney's · existence today is a little
Wills, Loui s Armstrong, Tommy Waylon Jennings early in the singer's more subdued (if such a word can be
Dorsey. I wanted to do it for Bill career] said, 'You know, we're all sittin' used to describe him) than the glory
Monroe, to honor the man that created here tellin' each other Haney can't do it. years of the 1960s and early '70s. W ith
bluegrass music. I rented some land out- But has anybody told Haney he can' t do his remarkable, almost psychic, ability
side Roanoke and hired fourteen bands, it? ' See, nobody had ever told me it to foresee trends, he began phasing out
every one that could play bluegrass at cou ldn't be done. Not knowin' any bet- country shows and going full bore into
th at time except for the Osbornes. I had ter, I went ahead and did it. bluegrass about six or seven years ago.
a thousand people in three days. Every- "In ·Memphis I went to the Mid- Now he presides over the hottest musi-
body said it was OK for a one-time South Coliseum. The man said, 'You got cal phenomenon in America. "I'm to
thing, but it could never be duplicated. the wrong place.' I said, 'I want to rent it bluegrass what John Ringlin' North was
I said, 'You just watch me.' three dates.' He said he'd rent me one to the circus," he claims.
" My second festival is still said to be date and put a hold on the other two . I It was also about this time that most
the greatest ever. That's the one where I said, 'I'm gawn rent the other two dates country entertainers began wearing ou t
made the stage move. It was the first if I don't have but a hundred people.' their welcome with Carlton. "What hap-
time Bill Monroe and the Osbornes had The first date was the one where pened was that I created a monster that
ever sung together. When it was over, [George] Jones didn't show. I thought, I couldn' t con trol no more," he says.
Sonny Osborne was cryin' so hard I had I'm down the tube in this town before I even "The acts got bigger and bigger and
to come lead him offstage. I turned put on the first show. But Conway saved it kept raisin' their prices to where I
around and there was one tear rollin' and the next two were sellouts. couldn't afford 'em. They started askin'
down Monroe's cheek. I wrote a story " I went to Oklahoma City and they eight, ten, twelve thousand a night, plus
about it and said, 'How many years, how wouldn't even rent me the buildin'. a percentage on top of that. I wasn't
many miles, how many memories, how Conway was with me and this was his gawn pay more than four thousand dol-
many heartaches went into that tear? hometown and he really wanted to play (continued on page 724)
Bill Monroe' s whole life was captured in
one teardrop .'
'' How often have you heard it said
that the day of the individual is over,
that one man can't do nothin' by himself
no more? There's over three hundred
bluegrass festivals in this country and
Canada each year. There's five thousand
musicians where before there were only
fifty. A man came up to me at my first
festival and said, 'Those poor men up
there with their banjos, fidd les and man-
dolins, tryin' to hold on to a dyin' art. I
actually feel sorry for 'em.' Now there's
a whole world knows about this dyin'
art. Why? Because one man run that first
festival.
" In 1965 I rented the Coliseum in
Winston-Salem and put on the first
Country Shindig. I took in eighteen
thousand dollars, cleared six thousand
dollars and the news hit Nashville like a
bomb. I went to Knoxville, Greenville, " Ve haft vays of ma king you ta lk."
Asheville, Chattanooga, all over, settin'
H USTLER NOVEMBER 117
BENNIE LOVES CLARA "What can we do, Bennie ? We're too
old to walk far. We can't mow grass or
(continued from page 1 02) hoe in the garden. We're just too old."
Bennie and Clara She lay back on her pillows.
firm step of appointing the family's bank
as trustee'of Clara's estate and then hav-
celebrated with three "Goddam!lit, we can smoke, drink
and fuck . If we ' re healthy enough for
ing her committed to the nursing home. days of drinking and that, we should be strong enough to go
The bank sent Clara a weekly check outside ... on a picnic maybe . That's it.
of $15, the sum they felt sufficient to
sex, after which A goddamn , good ol' picnic with fried
purchase the limited vices the nursing Clara suffered a chic ken, potato salad and lots of cold
home allowed- namely cigarettes and !l beer and . .. . "
few cosmetics. heart attack. ". ·. . Don 't forget the cigarettes," said
Clara tried to revolt at first, but to no Clara.
avail. When she finally realized she was "We could bring a blanket and some
trapped, she resigned herself to an Here , thought Bennie during mo- pillows. Then find a nice grassy place
inevitable release through what she ments of solitu de in his own room, was with shade, hidden from everybody.
hoped would be an early and merciful an answer to an old convic t's prison Then we could eat, drink and fuck,"
death . dream: a rich old woman who loved to Bennie cackled.
Then came Bennie. be fucked in the ass . "Let's sc rew first," said Clara, her
Bennie and Clara frequentl y dined Calling on his con's ability to sniff out rasping laughter more cough than
together in the nursing home's dining the road to freedom, Bennie sen t for his laugh . "All that other stuff might make
hall. And at night in the darkened TV lawyer. Two weeks later Bennie and us too tired to do it later on ."
room they wou ld discreetly fondle one Clara were married and they moved into "We might even find some ducks,
another. · Clara's home. They celebrated their vic - Clara. You know you said how you used
It was Benn ie who finall y hit upon a tory with three days of drink in g and to like to feed ducks when you were a lit-
plan by which to consummate their sex- fucking, after which Clara suffered a tle girl. You're always talkin' about
ual desires. At 10 p .m. each night the mild heart attack. She was put on feedin' them fuckin' ducks ."
staff would chan ge shifts. The night medication and told to amuse herse lf in "Ducks or squirrels," said Clara, not
nurse, being obese, old, and definitely a less strenuous manner. really remembering.
lazy, afforded them ample opportunities "Anyway, we' ll have · a grand time,
to engage in sex. It was at the first Clara gave Bennie a quick hand job, Clara. Just you and me."
opportunity that Benni e discovered and afterwards he fixed them both "Sure, honey . Just yo u and me."
Clara's absolute revulsion or fear (Ben- drinks. Lighting Clara's cigarette, he Clara yawned, her toothless mouth
nie didn 't know which ) of vaginal inter- said , " Goddamnit, honey . We gotta get opening grotesquely.
co urse.. outa this house awhile. It's spring out- Bennie fixed two more drinks, placing
After his fingers had aroused her suffi- side. Grass is green, trees budding. And Clara's within reach of her. Then he
ciently for the act, Bennie was amazed here we sit in this room all fucked-up. sh uffled into the untidy kitchen.
when Clara presented her buttocks at Hell, we might as well be back in the His fuz zy vision tried to focus on the
the edge of the hospital bed, grabbed nursing home ." sign he'd painted on the wall earlier in
Bennie's hard-on and, with a sigh of joy, "It'd be all right I guess," said Clara. the day. He looked at it as though seeing
expertly inserted it into her asshole . As " But let's wait a few days. I don't feel it for the first tim~. The paint had dried ,
Bennie performed the act Clara pre- well enough yet." leaving pale streaks through the letters.
ferred, he discovered he liked the exper- " Bullshit, Clara. You never feel well He leaned on the cluttered kitchen
ience as much as he had delighted in enough to do anything 'cep t stuff you table, his chest heaving in another
sucking cocks while a convict. can do lying on your skinny ass." coughing spell.
.------------------------------r--~~~ ~------~
Much later he found the brush and
paint he had used . Slowly, with trem-
blin g hands, he tried to add more paint
to the sign. He whispered the words
over and over again as he pai~te d them.
"Benn ie loves Clara ... Bennie loves
Clara . . .. " He hoped he'd remember to
tell Clara about the sign this time . Fun-
ny, the way he forgot things so quickly
these days .
"O h, well," he whispered to himself,
"it beats hell out of being in prison." He
cackled as he painted a long, crooked
line beneath the letters of the sign.
Suddenly he thought of something!
"Hey, Clara. You know what?" he
shouted.
" What? "
"You and I got it made in the shade."
H e cackled again.
" How's that, lover?" asked Clara.
" Because, honey, we got the dignit y
" For God's sake, Leon, whatever you do, don 't yell 'nigger'!" of old age ." And he cackled himself into
a nother bad coughin g spell.w
118 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 N0'./'77
MAIL·ORDER
This co lumn will help to simplify ordering mail-order
erotica. We will review any mail-order sex products,
including those advertised in HUSTLER, not to
A HOT SWINDLE
FEEDBACK
On page 11 7 in th e Jun e 1977 iss ue o f
H USTLE R th e re was an a d th at rea d as
When you first checked out their brochure,
which starts off by claiming, " We raised $2 mil-
lion-worth of Danish porn from a wreck in the
endorse them but to let you know what you'll actually fo ll ows: Bermuda Triangle . .. ",you shoulp ha ve smelled
receive when you order. Companies that would like to GUA RA NTEED TO S PR EA D anchovies. However, the main indication that
ha ve products reviewed in this column are in vited to HER LEGS these waterlogged weasels have seaweed up their
send sample merchandise and information to Mail- If yo u think Spa ni sh Fl y is h o t sleeves lies in the incredible bargains they offer-
Order l'eedback (Product Review). We'll also tell cus- stuff you haven' t trie d " H ea t. " three 200-foot, Bmm hard-co re color films for
tomers how to conduct husiness with mail-order firms ow yo u can put her in hea t $5, six films f or $10, nine film s for $7 5, all the
and alert our readers to frauds and faulty ,!Jroducts. qui cker and ma ke he r hotter tha n way up to 3,2 films for $38. This alluring co me-
with any pill yo u've ever tri ed! W e. on is very similar to the raps used by such Shtfty
by Todd David Schwartz g uaran tee that she will sprea d her Sellers as Hornbeck Brot he rs , Rh inebeck
legs fo r you agai n a nd aga in o r Brothers, American Interna tio nal Film Fes-
you r mon ey back! Hi g hly co n- tival , Majes tic Distributors, In c., G.B . Olga-
300 FEET OF TITS centrated . Pos iti ve res ults in less Io n Company and Film Finders Film C lub .
Strippe r Chesty Morgan reminds me o f a th an 10 mi nutes. Pac k of !J o nl y No matter how slick or convincing the ratio-
g iant balloon creatu re I once saw in the S:L.!l.'i o r 3 packs (:L7) fo r o nl y na li;cation they may give you for such a great
Ma c)"s Thanks g iving Day Parade, pro babl y Sli.!l.'i. HEAT, De pt. :L.'i ll , li3 ll offer, no authentic porno-movie purveyor could
beca use her bu st is a phenome nal 73 in ches. Yucca St., H oll ywoo d , Ca. 100:LH. ever afford to run a profitable business by giv ing
This one-woman watermelon pa tch can be away film s at such ludicrously lo w prices. In
Wh a t yo u rece ive for S:L.!J :) is a pac k o f
ogled in a reg ular Hm m color movi e ca ll ed most cases, when you see 200-foot hard-core
nin e matc hes, while Sli.!J.'i ge ts you three of
Dea dly Weapons, os tensib ly a co ll ec ti on o f movies being offered for less than a $7 5 to $20-
th ese matc h-book s. Although th e nat u re of
scenes fr o m her full- length pic ture of the per-film price range, you should beco me very
such a sham is so mew hat hum orous, th e re is
sam e name . The fli c k com es in two l .'lO-foo t suspicious. As we sta ted in Mai l-Order Feed-
n o thin g fun n y about rip-off artists burning
ree ls, whi c h cannot be purchased sepa rately, back in our September 7976 issue: " The most
people by d e livering dreck. H USTLE R ha s
and co ntain s )10 sex ua l acts at a ll. Th e hot- obvious ea rmark of a fly-by- night mail-order
pe rman e ntl y ex tin g ui shed th ese namin g
tes t foot~ge cou ld have been neatl y cap- ass hol es fr o m our Mail-Order Mania. sec ti on.
operation is an ad that promises something for
suli :ted in -a .'iO- foo t ree l of film , an d consists (practically) nothing. There ain 't no such anima L"
W e cer tainl y don't wa nt to promo te thi s
o f not hin g more than Ch es ty jigg lin g or kind of adve rti sing co n job, and our policy is
fondling her gro tes qu e ba zoo m s. Despite to try to find out as mu c h as we ca n about
' th ose titanti c tit s, Ches ty is no t fat , a lth ough I rece ived a n a dv e rti se me nt throug h the
produ c ts before accep tin g ads for them.
a little wide hipped, and the on ly time we see mai l fr o m Amjon Publishers, In c. (24.'i West
If you read thi s a d carefu ll y, you find th at
her co mp le tely nude is . from the back I !hh Stree t, N ew York , ew York I 00 I I) for
it never te ll s yo u exactly w ha t " H ea t" is, yet
wh e n s he steps into a bathtub. a book e ntitled Simons' Book of World Sexua l
th e ambi g uous and clever word in g d esc rib es
In a ddit ion to th e rath e r gra in y film Reco rds. I se nt a c hec k for $!:l.!.l5, expecti ng to
th e actu a l pro du c t quite we ll. One way to
quality an d di sap p o intin g photography , receive th e book in a mat te r of wee ks, but
avoid suc h rip -offs is by using your co mm on
most of th e movie is loaded with yawn- a fter a lm ost three months it still had not
se nse: There are no sc ie ntifi ca ll y accep te d
inducin~ fill e r, such as exterior sho ts o f a arr iv e d . I fina ll y se n t th em a letter an d am
aphrodisiacs on ·th e market; th ere's no price
ni ghtcl ub , a bunch o f wom e n doing· th e can- wa itin g for a repl y.
you can pay for pi ll s or potions th a t will
ca n, a man readi ng a newspaper, or Chesty H.D . L.
ma gica ll y mak e up for th e pass io nate lust
h e rse lf s tandi ng aro und fully c lo th e d . Luray, Virgi n ia
yo u are not ab le to ins till in a woman b y
Morga n's mammoth mammaries are not simpl y using th e resources of yo ur ow n per-
milk ed for all th ey' re worth a nd, th e freak· We co ntacted Amjon Publi shers and they in-
sona lit y.
show elem e nt ·no twithstandin g, thi s film is for med us that the delay in shipping was a resu lt
ultimate ly an utter fai lure. of a flood of orders greater than they anticipated.
Cost is $35 postpaid from Kinematics, Inc. FEEDBACK LETTERS They so ld out the copies they had and are in the
(708 Seventh Ave nue ,- New York, N ew York I have a co mpl aint aga inst M&K Diving & process of printing more. They ha ve sent a notice
10036). Ma rine Salvage Corpora tion (Gen eral Box to all customers informing them of th is fact. If
1528, New York, New Yo rk 10001 ). After yo u do not receive your copy of Simons' World
m a ilin g in m y $3!:l chec k six m o nth s ago, Sex ual R eco rd s soon, let us know.
ENEMAS, ANYONE? a lon g with an order, I hav e no t rec~ iv e d
Rox bury Press (P.O. Box H4 :L l , Van Nuys, m erc handi se or a word from th e m . I have If you ha ve any problems with the service that you
California !J 140!1 ) is o ne of the o ld est and written tw ice, to no ava il. receive from any mail-order advertisers, including those
most dep e nd able co mpani es d ea lin g in e n- I am e nclosin g photocopies of all o f the in H USTLER, write us a letter so we can alert other
e ma material. The Whole Rox bury Catalog transactions. readers to possi ble rip-offs. Include the firm's name,
79 77 is a :L ~~-page bookle t offering ene m a R.J. H . address and all pertinent facts about the incident.
film s, ph o to se ts, tapes , novels, ma gazines, Ale xa ndri a, Virginia We 'll contact the firm and check it out for you. If yo u
T-shirts and a ll sor ts of equipment d esig ned have dea lt with a good, reliable company, we wou ld
to kee p your colon contented . Roxbury also We have received numerous complaints about like to know that too. Please send all correspondence
se ll s a few S&M fi lm s and photos. Catalog M &K Diving, and they co ntinue to ignore letters to: H USTLER Maga~ine, Mail-Order Feedback,
pri ce is $3. we send them requesting an explanation. 40 West Gay Street, Columbus, Ohio 43215. ~
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 119
 MAll: ORDER MANIA
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I
Please send _ _ _ mug (s) for wh ich I have en-
8311 Yucca St., Hollpood, Calif. 90028
My chest Is _ __ Inches . (Exhale & measure chest .)
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120 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 MAll: ORDER MANIA
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I or 20 for $5.00 I
Send $1 to cover posta&l L handlin&
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MURRAY HILL STA DEPT HSIJ'' 10016 6311 Yucca • Hollywood, Caflt. 90028

HUSTLER NOVEMBER 121

 H1 015 P.O. flu' 1530 '\ .Y.

WE CAN HELP YOU

e
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8
e
e
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e
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If you're won dering why JOHN HOLMES i s the
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Dept. 2ess • 6311 Yu cca St. , Hollywood, Ca. 90028 403 Jones Ferry Rd., P.O. Box 400 New York, New York 10001 ~~ l)O.1
Carrboro, N.C. 27510 """·""'

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122 NOVEMBER HUSTLER

 l\URROR YOUR ·CEILING
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City tate ZIP---- nam e ______________________________
0 Mastercharge 0 BankAmericard
address
I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I cit y _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ state _ _ _ _ _ __ _ zip _ _ __ _
InterBank ITIIJ Exp. Date I I I
L - - - - - - - - - - - - - .J
HUSTLER NOVEMBER 123
PROFIL E: CARLTON HANEY of solely selfless motives .
Carlton, himself, sees other factors for
(continued from page 7 7 7) his lack of popularity. " At first they
needed me," he says. "They were all
Iars for any country act. They just kept Carlton Haney pullin' for me so they could ride my
on raisin' their prices until they put me
out of business. I can't count the times I is one of the most coattails to the top . To show you how
much I meant to Nashville back then, I
paid acts one hundred or two hundred
dollars more than the contract actually disliked men in had a dispute with one act and he took it
called for. It seems like nothin' today, to the managers' association . All but
but back then it was a lot of money oul the country music four managers voted not to sell me no
more talent. When they realize·d what
of a country promoter's pocket. But I
give it to 'em 'cause they earned it. You
community. they had done, they dissolved the associ-
think entertainers ever remember things ation so they cou ld keep dealin' with
like that ? me. But after I got successful, the acts
"And then they started puttin' clauses prove it, no matter what he says.'' But he began thinkin', He 's makin' a killin' off
in their contracts, like 'Said act reserves will readily admit that he has pulled me. Or when they saw how much I was
the right to cancel within thirty days if some shenanigans that-while not exact- grossin', they'd think, What kind of dea l
booked for network television produc- ly illegal-are not exactly kosher either. is this when the promoter makes four times
tion.' I called some of 'em and said, One quick example : After spending that more tha n the star? They wante d me as
'Look, I been buyin' you for years, givin' prophetic week with Buck Owens, drill- long as they needed me . After that they
you twenty dates a year. N ow you want ing into him that the first thing he must got as big a pleasure out of kickin' me
to forget all tha t for one TV spot? And do is set a firm price and stick to it, when I came down as they did ridin' me
who made you big enough to get on the Carlton sent the soon-to-be su perstar on the way up .
T V show in the first place ?' I guess they back to Nashville. Bu t before Owens "And when yo u get as close to people
t hought ol' ' Golden Goose' Haney could get back, Carlton had calle d his as I was to them, you find out more than
would keep layin' foreve r." agent and bought 15 dates on him at a they want you to know abo ut 'em per-
Even if they had such thoughts, by l ess-than-superstar's price . Owens sonally. I knew their faults and weak-
then many ac ts no longer cared. For the worked the dates and has not spoken to nesses and what made 'em tick. I knew
blunt truth is, for a man who did so Carlton since. how to manipulate 'em, motivate 'em,
much for so many for so long, Carlton Another reason is that if a person control their minds. I knew 'em for what
Haney is one of the most disliked men in keeps his mouth open as much as they really were. I looked at 'em dif-
the country music community. It is Carlton, he is bound to put his foot in it ferent from the way the fans looked at
almost shocking how many artists would once in a while . And though he has 'em. And this mad e a lot of 'em resent
refu se to work for him at any price. Bill made many stars, he has also made me. When you can take performers and
Monroe, for instance, a man whom many promises that, despite his good make 'em do things they don't even
Carlton literally deifies ("There have intentions, he later couldn't or wouldn' t know why they're doin' 'em, this makes
been only two musicians : Bach and Bill keep. "Carlton's helped a lot of people, 'em distrust you.
Monroe"), has not spoken to him since it's true," says one obscure performer " I never let the artists run the show.
1970 and adamantly refuses to dis- who was the recipient of much of Once a promoter starts doin' that, he
cuss him. Much of the bitterness stems Carlton's verbiage, but none of his exer- might as well fold his tent and go home.
from money matters, and it is almost tions . " But the only way he's ever I've never had an argument with any
maddening how often Carlton will sud- helped anybody was if he could make a artist 'cause I know how they're goin'
denly interjec t into a conversation his buck off them," a common complain t of to end before they even start. A few dis-
pet phrase, "I've got the [eick one) con- many performers, especially when con- cussions, maybe, but never an argu-
tract [or) canceled check lor) receipt to si dering Carlto n's endless affirmations ment. So they could n't pull none of their
'star' shit with me 'cause they knew I
wouldn't take it for a second. Those
Nashville egos just couldn't stand me no
more."
So now, except for six Conway Twit-
ty/Loretta Lynn shows a year, Carlton
nurtures and prods his all-time master-
stroke- the bluegrass festival. And for
the present, at least, matters are as they
were back in the early days. There are
no blue grass superstars demanding
exorbitant prices, no tender psyches so
easily bruised by his heavy-handedness,
no group telling him it cannot make it
next month because Johnny Carson jus t
called. It is once again time to take a
robust, if still unsteady, stripling and
midwife him into every home in Middle
America.
Though he claims to be happily mar-
ried, Carlton lives alone in a squat, unat-
tractive house completely devoid of any
landscaping, shrubs, gardens or trees ;
just five rooms set dow n on a concrete
124 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
slab, the exterior brick almost sweating
mud fro m the relen tless Carolina sun.
Located not 40 yards off the main high-
way between Danville and Reidsville,
with truckers roaring by at all hours, the
IDVIISRATIIOflS Are you bent out of shape
place has a decibel level roughly equiva- looking f or a vibrator that
lent to the eighth row at Daytona. g iv es c ontinual p leasure ?
Inside, Carlton, blissfully unaware of Leasure Time's Caress Vibra -
tor (#16 27) will bend over
the auditory assault, usually sits at his backward to please you.
desk, either tending to his 200-letter-a- Made of soft, flexible rubber,
week correspondence or running up his t h is textured v ibrator w i ll
$1200-a-month phone bill. Even from gently c ling to and caress the
w e t t est vaginal wall s. The
this remote outpost, he believes in stay- supple studs at the base will
ing in touch. H is fluorescent desk lamp not only stimulate but will pro-
never goes off. Except for a reading light vide better traction on those
above his bed, it is often the only one slippery curves. Includes 2
" AA " batterie s. $ 14.9 5
that ever comes on. Windows are taped
over, doors are kept shut. The whole
atmosphere gives the eerie feeli n g of EXPRESS ~HARGE CARD ORDERING . •. 24· hour toll -
lrH ••rwlce. Order now by calling ,.ao0-848-8, 07. (In
being in a bunker. Oh io , uti: 1-800-282-8218. )
Moreover, it is a seeming chaos with a
labyrinth of papers, boxes, pictures and
folders often crammed in so tightly that LEASURE TI ME PRODUCTS • P. 0. Box 2206 • Columbus, Ohio 43216
Please Print
one would think Eddie Arcaro couldn't ame Date PLEASE SEN D: HU1 177
get from one room to another, much less Address
- - - #1 627@ $14. 95 each
a doub le for Fatty Arbuckle. But City State Zip Subtotal S -- -
Carlton can miraculously lay his h ands Enclosed is my o c heck o money order (cash not acce pted) , Ohio residents, add
4% sales tax ---
on anything you ask for within 30 or charge to my o VI SA o MC :
Postage, handling
and insuran ce 1.00
seconds. "I've always been good with TOTALS-
numbers and had a good memory," he
explains. "I can remember every single
Money order and credit card purchases will be
shipped In 5 working days or less . Al l orders are I
show I've ever run: the date, the town, _
discreetly packaged and prompt ly delivered . (Add
_ _ ::f~ore l gn ord ~ ~~ =~::: · ___ .J
the acts, how much I took in, how much
I paid out, everythin'. That's how I
made it in gamblin'. I could remember
every card in the deck. Lot of times I
knew what card the other man was gawn
put down before he even did.
"I played baseball two years in the
Cardinal chain as a catcher. Catcher's
usually the biggest man on the team. I
There I was, five-five , one hundred thir- I
Pl ease send: __· # 1 8 29 @ $19.95 I
ty-five pounds, the smallest. But hardly _ _ # 1828 @ S19.9 s _ _ # 18ao @ $19.95 1
anybody ever stole on me . You know
why ? ' Cause I figured out how to get my
I HU1 177

throw dow·n to second base a sixth of ~------------------- 1

a second before the runner got there. I I
.~--------------------- 1
did it by figurin ' the mathematics of it.
Lou Brock, Maury Wills, the great base C~i~
ty-.~S~ta
-t~
e-.~
Z~ip-------------------------- 1
I
stealers, they didn't do it all on sheer Enclosed is my o check o money order (cash not I
speed. They figured out how to get to accepted ), or charge to my o VISA o MC : 1
1
'"' '~'"'~' 11 1111
the base a sixth of a second before the 1
catcher's throw. But there weren't any
base-stealers that knew that back then . I
I I LL. I m o.
1
1 11
I
1
year

had 'em all outfigured. If the pitcher

held his runner on base and gave me a
Si gnalure, Dale
I '7 of legal age and understand that if my marchendlte Is detective due to I
I
~~~~~=~~7/~:~~~ ~':!ufi~':J with in 10 days it will be repleced free of cherge:
good pitch to handle, there was nobody 1
who could beat my throw. I've always Su blola l $ _ _ ___

made it a habit to know the numbers

Oh10 residents . add 4% sales tax I
Postage , handling and in surance 2.oo I
and odds and percentages of everything I
I've ever done. I
"You want to know what happened I
with me and Merle Haggard? Wait here
a minute." He waddles into the adjoin-
ing room, then back again a half minute
later, somehow having pulle d the
desired document out of the endless
morass. "Look, here's the contract to
prove I was right."
125
 Little, if anything, is ever thrown out. thousand names on it; takes 'em three
Thus, his bedroom is jammed with an When the issues of their monthly newsletter to get
estimated ton of old newspapers, leaving 'em all on there. None of these people
him only enough space to get from the
musicians' union have ever been took to court, much less
door to the bed, which he shares with- blacklisted Haney, given a chance to explain their side to
anybody. I showed all this to two U.S.
more newspapers. "Everything from the
New York Times to the Danville Register." he responded with attorneys and they said, 'This is
unbelievable!' I went to Washington
One wonders why he bothers to go to
bed at all, as he sleeps amazingly little-
a court order and and got a federal judge to order the
a few hours in the early morning, say 39 lawsuits against agencies to sell me . talent or I would file
from four to eight. suit. But there was a three-month lapse
The kitchen, alas, is no different from
them for extortion in there, and in that three months other
the working area. Dirty plates, glasses, and damages. promoters bought all my talent and took
silverware, pots, pans and empty Pepsi all my towns. All these other promoters
bottles are piled everywhere, giving off his promotional talents elsewhere, it was had to say was, 'Haney's on the
an almost choking odor. Carlton has the union that outright forced him to . blacklist. He won't be able to buy any
never taken a drink and quit smoking However , to its surprise, Carlton talent. Why not sell it to me instead?"
several years ago, but he almost mind- decided to apply a little force of his own. See, the.union has every musician, 'e very
lessly indulges in junk food, heedlessly And though the battle is far from over, si nger, every agency, every promoter
putting away all manner of garbage and and he is a long way from winning it, he scared to death .
washing it all down with an invariable has caused the union to retreat con- "Say a promoter wants to rent a
Pepsi. As he is missing about a dozen or siderably. buildin' that has an agreement with the
so front teeth and the rest are badly "I t's cost me five years and seventy union to use x number of stagehands,
decayed, none of his fodder gets a very thousand dollars," he says. "But you but he doesn ' t need 'em all. They can't
thorough chewing. H ence his titanic mention the name 'Haney' to any officer refuse to rent him the buildin' or it's
stomach. · in the musicians' union and see if his extortion! But the union pulls this kind
After spending a night or two amidst face don't get a little white. of shit every day! What none of 'em
such conditions, one is inevi tably re- "I had a dispute with Jerry Lee Lewis know is that they can fight back through
minded of the occasional National En- in 1972. The union called every agency the National Labor Relations Board and
quirer headline that shouts, "Demented in Nashville and said if they sold me any through the courts . And through me! I
Millionaire Foun d Liv ing in Squalor." more talent, the union would take got thirty-nine lawsuits against the
Indeed, it is a bizarre setting in which to reprisals against them. What does my union right now for damages, extortion
find a man who has shown the medical dispute with Lewis have to do with Con- and third-party boycot(.
faculty af Duke University how to treat way Twitty? Right there is a third-party " If anybody's threatened by the
slipped discs. boycott, illegal as hell. union, all he has to do is come to me and
T he American Federation of Musi- "Then they put my name on a black- I'll stop 'em dead in their tracks. I'm the
cians would absolutely die if it ever got a list. That's illegal too. The Supreme .. only one ever to sue successfully the
glimpse of Carlton's command post and Court has done r uled in the case of Pete national union in New York .
realized that here in this- hovel lives the Seeger and of Muh ammad Ali that you "And here I am just a little small-
man who has pierced its once-invincible can't put a man's name on a list and town promoter down here in N awth
armor. Though Carlton's disenchan t- deprive him of makin' a livin '. The C'lina, runnin' hillbilly shows. Bet that
ment with the country music fraternity musicians' union is the only outfit in the kills 'em more than anythin'."
played a large part in his decision to ply country that prints a blacklist. It has ten But Carlton is ten parts lover to every
one part fighter. Thus, the crack of
dawn on a Saturd ay morning fin ds him
up and ardently planning his latest ad-
venture . "I'm startin' a bluegrass radio
show on WPTF in Raleigh once a
month," he exults. "Pretty soon we'll go
to twice a month, then every week. Then
we'll have it in another town, then three
more, then ten. It'll be to bluegrass what
the Grand Ole Opry is to country.
"Now there's a fifteen -year-old boy in
Washington, D. C., got a chanc e to
become the greatest mandolin player
ever. And I'm gawn use him on these
shows, show him how to do it, how to
control the audiences ' minds just like
I'm gawn control his, how to get things

d out of that mandolin he didn't even

know could be got out, how to use his
instrument to ... .:'
" Hello, Acme Medical Supply?
Again, Carlton Haney is gearing up,
I'm calling in regard to one of your artificial limbs!"
just like gettin' a woman ready to screw. ~
126 NOVEMBER HUSTLER
 Watch my penis grovv 28 inches
-a picture at a titne.
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A limited number of back issues of
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WELCOMING WINTER
LEASURE TIME PRODUCTS HU1177
P 0 . Box 2206 • Columbus. Ohio 4321 b CUBA TODAY: COMMIES, CIGARS AND SEX-Now that Cuba
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j has reopened its doors to American tourists, can we expect to find many
_ NOV '76 _ MAR '77 _ JUL '77
_ OEC ' 76 _ APR '77 _ AUG '77 revolutionary changes in that country? Contributing Editor Frank For-
_ JAN '77 _ MAY ' 77 _ SEP '77
_ FEB '7 7 _ JUN '77 _ OCT ' 77 tunato filed this in-depth report on the sex, politics and local color of our
Pie. .• Print nearest Communist neighbor.
Nama

Addra"

City State Zip

HUSTLER INTERVIEW: ANDREW KOWAL-The publisher of
Enclosed Is my 0 check 0 money order (cash not accepted) , High Times, a magazine geared to the drug culture, pushes his controver-
or charge to my 0 VISA 0 MC:
sial views on the decriminalization of narcotics.

WHY NOT A WHORE CORPS FOR CONGRESS?-Fio Kennedy,

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128 NOVEMBER HUSTL ER

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