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my name in the photo.

Diab_haya

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Here is a playlist to enjoy the book more
Open the camera

2
To my number one fan, my best friend Nadine

.This is for you

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Simply said, one word into one here is
EVERYTHING IN TIME

- Based on true experience -

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I’ve been really busy writing this book that I
don't want anyone to distract me
Day after day, I've been more and more
excited
I've been doing something for myself, this is
something real
I'm doing my glory
With passion
I've never been really proud of myself
I feel like now I can rest
I feel like now I got my
Freedom
It's sad that I had to leave my own home
To feel free
To be honest I miss the old me, but I love the
new Haya more.

I've been inspired by your love and

the love of older people in real life,
music and movies.

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 - Are we a moment or a lifetime?
- Everything in time

ARE WE A MOMENT

OR

A LIFETIME

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 I want to thank my friends first and foremost.
Since I considered what I wrote to be very private
and wondered why anyone would want to see it, I
recall being anxious and a little bit shy the first
time I let my friends see what I had written.
However, after that, everything changed.
- Additional thanks go out to my friends who were
very encouraging and who told me I was an
excellent writer even if I was just starting.
For reviving my dreams, do it, Haya.
I remembered Nadine's advice to write a book,
even if it's only for yourself and no one else sees it.
Do it for yourself.
People could relate to your feelings because of the
way you expressed them.

7
POINT OF CHANGE
I choose to do it because
I will take advantage of weakness and turn it into a
focal point for change.
This point will make me even stronger.
I realized how much I love to write.
It's simply that I feel fantastic about myself and
every time I type what I think, I feel more at ease.
I'm not sure if I'm writing for you or because I want
to. Maybe both, given that I wouldn't be able to say
any of this without experience.

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 PART ONE

-THIS IS FOR YOU -

-TO THAT PERSON WHO INSPIRES
ME TO BE A

BETTER PERSON -
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 YOU DID INSPIRE ME IN THIS BOOK
A LOT

- THIS IS FOR YOU -

Are we a moment
?Or a lifetime
… I hoped it will be lifetime
Your actions made me choose moments
…The lifetime has slipped away from you

10
 I'm not sure when this all began.
All I know is that when it gets late at night, I go to
my phone's notes app and type down whatever I
have to say.
I remember one instance when I was asleep and
woke up thinking about what I had discovered. I
decided to write it down instead of saying nothing,
and I believe it was the beginning of everything.

- This is my love story

I warned myself, "Damn that's going to hurt when
you leave," from the very first time I met you.
I said orange juice he said yes, we talked for an
hour when I looked into his eyes and I saw how
they were sparkling in mine, I told him I need to
leave because that day I was really busy and I made

11
 time for him, He is someone who I care about,
When my friend and I went to eat later that day at
night, we went to the restaurant he worked at.
When we walked through the door to leave, we
came across again, and he said looking into my
eyes when did you come I didn't see you and he
walked me out. We were so close to each other,
and everyone was staring at us.
“My favorite music was playing at the time, “in
front of everyone” by Siilawy”
He asked me,
Why didn't you text me?" I replied, "I did," to
which he replied, "Oh sh*t, I was very busy and
didn't check my phone." We were chatting about
something that I can't remember now, but we were
laughing and joyful

He was wearing a button-up shirt, but I noticed that

the last button wasn't sugared. A wave of air
quickly came and pushed a piece of his shirt flying
and I looked at him in the eyes and at that moment
I realized how much I’m deeply in love with him, I
loved him because I felt loved without physical
touch and that feeling is real, rare deep for me and
because that person is you

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My thoughts were thinking of bad things but I told
myself I’m gonna enjoy this moment here then I
can go home and think about it even cry but now
he’s here I’m here that’s all I care about.
I never told him that I love him because my love
language was giving, making efforts like taking
care of him being there for him because he look,
like the rest of my life.
But if I had to say I love you, I will say, you mean
the world to me, I really cherish our friendship and
I'm grateful to have you in my life because You
understand me like no one else
You are my person.

- It’s okay that’s love

After a perfect day here I am talking about the fact
that I think I am in love and I cried a little bit then I
sat in a quiet space, my thoughts swirling with
emotions and reflections on love, I took a deep
breath, as if gathering strength from within, and
looked at myself in the mirror with a determined
expression on my face, I started talking to myself,
addressing my own doubts and fears.
"Haya, what a wonderful day you had," I said in a
voice that was equal parts assured and vulnerable. I

13
 must constantly remind myself that love can be
both beautiful and difficult. I met my reflection in
the mirror as I looked within for comfort and
comprehension. I took a moment to reflect on the
variety of feelings I had gone through. I've
experienced disappointment and heartbreak, but
that doesn't mean I should give up on love. It
indicates that I have taken chances and made
myself vulnerable. And that openness is a quality,
not a flaw.
My voice became more firm and determined with
each word.
I merit affection. I should be loved, respected and
recognized in a relationship.
I don't have to accept anything less than what I
deserve and honestly want. "I shall gain knowledge
from both the happy times and the difficulties it
presents. I refuse to let anxiety or painful memories
prevent me from discovering the depth and
intimacy that love has to offer.
I'll be kind to myself.
I felt a sense of serenity and acceptance as soon as I
was done talking, and I was reminded that I had the
fortitude to successfully negotiate the complexities
of love.

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I washed my face with cold water and smiled as I
left.

- Dancing Under the Rain

It’s raining outside, the first thing that came to my
mind was my wish
The way our minds aren’t related that much
But together
We ran wild through the rain without a care in the
world, Happy and free in a little land of our own.
Dance
You hate the feeling of being cold
But for me
Let’s have an adventure

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You and me dancing at midnight under a sky full of
crying clouds
The Goosebumps starts raises as you put your hand
around my waist
Joy runs through my veins as the rain soaks my
skin.
There is no music but the way we danced like there
was our favorite song
Sweater Weather.
- Details
Fewer words more details
Every heart beat scream for you
Every heart beat craves for your love
The soul wants to be touched by a sexy mind
Touch when there is no touch
Mind touches soul before the body
Battle
Mind wants
Heart wants
Let that lost soul
Find what it’s been fighting for all along

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Deep down she will whisper I found myself in your
heart that beat for me, for my love.

- NUMB
I got attracted because you made me feel
something
How can I say that, it's like you lit the candle inside
me
I have been numb since ever I can remember
You entered my life without any warning
You entered so easily
You were accepted by someone who didn’t want
anything from this stupid world.

- Are you strong enough?

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I’m strong and I can handle shit on my own, I can
take care of myself but there are times when
I wanted you and hated the fact that I needed you
To feel safe in your halo
Make me feel good about myself
See what I hide from everyone
I want you to be my person
The one who will drop all the harsh accusations I
make against myself
To be touched by your soft hands and told that I
made a good job
“I’m proud of you “
“It is okay next time you will do better”
You, who understand that life is more than taking it
seriously, it is about an adventure
I want you to fight with me
To look at me and smile
To laugh with you
Feel like you really got me
Yes, I can take care of myself very much you
wouldn’t imagine how good I can be but it feels
nicer to be taken care of
Not just by anyone

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 By you
That’s what I crave for.

- Are you lying to me?

You did tell me that you want me to know that my
presence makes a huge difference in your heart
Your equilibrium
Your steps and your stability not just your day
You came to me to talk about those silly thoughts
that you get
Talk about literally anything even the small’s
things
I remember when I read it the for the first time I
was above and beyond expressing for the first time
you did tell me something about your emotional
But the question is
Why did you disappear after you made my days?

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I know you are the man of your word but after this,
I’m not sure anymore.
I talked to the stars about you
They told me that I’m something to you I’m pretty
sure that I’m something to you , But what is that
something I’m not sure.
- It’s you only you
It’s you that I want it’s only you
When I got some problems or anything I used to
handle all of my shit alone.
I'm strong when I'm on your shoulders.
Why Do I want you to be there for me?
It’s killing me that I want you and I can say nothing
because I’m afraid that I will lose you
I know you by my side as best friends nothing
more I can handle that even when I want more
I’m okay with being friends because I don’t want to
lose you I think this time I will not handle the idea
of losing someone I love , It’s killing me that with
every day come every second, minute and hour
pass without telling you how much I love you and
you were the sun to my dark sky and thank you
for being there for me I really want you to know
that I don’t ask for help, I don’t it just you and you

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 the one I want, need and love, it take my breath
away with every minute pass without you my dear,
this is the first time I’m weak to someone, this is
the first time for me asking for help, asking for you
to be by my side
I really want to hug you and cry till my tears dry
I’m forcing myself not to cry because I need to be
stronger but I want to lose myself with you I’m
tired of pretending that I’m good, strong and happy
when all I want to do is cry.

- I’m scared
Let's break those walls that our fear builds them
Let me escape to your arms when I’m scared
When I feel like my world is falling apart

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 Me behind your back covered by you
You are there for me with open arms waiting to
hold me
But reality hits hard
This scenario will be just swimming in my own
imagination
Fuck I hate this, all I want to say is that I love you
why it will be much complicated?
Let’s stay like this because I know, you will be by
my side as friends
I don’t want to ruin our connection
By my selfish feelings
Yet
Behind your back when I’m scared even from
you.
- Run before you hurt yourself
When you see signs don’t miss them
I hope you see them very well and very clear
I hope you don’t ignore them like always
This time when you see a little of a lack of effort
you don’t force it let it be or just pick up your bags
and leave, I hope this time you save yourself before
it is too late and before you get damaged. Me to

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Me, I saw the signs, I think I kind of saved myself
before I get attract too much or get hurt, But I’m
really sad
I know it’s the right choice for me even when I
don’t want to, as that comes I remember that you
told me not everything we want in life we can
have it.

- I’ll tell you a secret

I don’t like to waken up
Every time I miss you
I go to sleep
To dream about you
To meet you
Talk to you
To feel you here next to me playing with my hair
while I’m telling you about my day
Searching for you in my dreams

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 Like a lost child who’s looking for his mama
Screaming for you.

- Are you here?

I will say sorry if I act like I don’t need you
Life teaches me to wipe my own eyes when
I’m at my lowest
Can you see my heart that screams for you?
If I told you there was something wrong or I
cried in front of you
All I want you to do is hug me
Be there for me tell me everything will be
okay
It’s okay babe you don’t need to cry
It’s hurt me to see your tears
Who made you upset?
I don’t want any solution
All I want is, you
But as I said first I will wipe my own tear and
continue like everything is under control even
when everything is out of control
Can’t you see me?

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- I love this one so much that I hated the fact,
what it has to say
It hit me very hard
Day after Day I’m accepting the truth
There is no us
You are not the one for me
Nether I
It’s hard to say
Lost in eco of memories
My goodbye to you will be
Step by step
I can’t kill myself by going one time
Believe me when I go I wouldn’t look back, don’t
forget me my lover
{Crying between lines}

- Over Overthinking
Overthinking is killing me I couldn’t sleep last
night

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 Why it is you?
I know very well you are not a person who has a
tough time he handles his shit alone and keeps
everyone away from him
Why do you keep me by your side?
Keep telling myself don’t want to be selfish by
having feelings for you I don’t want to ruin our
friendship that you made clear its friendship then
why do your actions make it hard to believe
Action is strong than words
Just want to know what am I in your life?!
You being selfish by doing that
You don’t have to be scared
I will wait for you
I’m waiting for you to take a step
To me take steps
That’s how much you mean to me!
I don’t want anyone I rather waiting for you
I don’t have the energy or the power to meet
someone else and say the same story over and over
I was sure about you but now I’m really confused
and I don’t know what to do besides to leave
everything the way it’s goes

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I’m not selfish I know you are lost thinking about
your future but it is just selfish of you to treat me
more than friends because I’m falling in love with
you if I'm already in!!

Yes, I ignored the truth about that thing

I want
For what?
Temporary happiness, I guess
What I want is you
As you care about
All this
Me?
Don’t think so.

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- Why?
Why do you make sure I’m not like the rest people
of your life?
Am I really an exception?
I know I made a huge difference in your life
But when you were gone I assumed that
I am not.

- I MISS YOU

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 Joy running through my veins as you did said
I swear to GOD I miss you
I was out of speaking
We were talking about something and out of
nothing I SWEAR to GOD I miss you
Like what???
ARE YOU REALLY SHOWING ME
FEELINGS!?
As I remembered that you laugh at me for not
responding so fast because obviously I was
shocked and you said to me haha ‫صفنت‬.

- BUSY DAYS
In my busy days I always find a way to escape
All the directions lead to you
Make me remember you
Think about you
At the end of my day

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 I go to sleep thinking about you
I woke up and you the first thing on my mind.

- IN LOVE?
After I took a look at your picture I told myself
fuck ‫الكت خرا‬
I was fighting myself not to fall in love with you,
I guess I do have feeling for you
I’m scared, Nervous, Worried and Terrified
I want to cry but I wouldn’t deny at the same time
there is some happiness running into my heart.

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- DIN DONG
Something inside is sure about you
I want to not believe that
I’m not scared I’m terrified
Acting coldly toward each other
You have your guard but I killed mine
As always
We both find a way back to each other.

- THIS ONE IS REALLY SPECIAL

Why it has to be you?

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 Before I meet you I was struggling with mental
health issues and depression
You really are the sun to my dark sky
Just knowing you made my life better
Jesus, I can’t accept the fact that you helped me go
through that without you knowing about it.

- Another love
The first time I did listen to this song I didn’t listen
to the lyrics more than how he sings it because I
want to sing this song to you so badly, I want to
make sure that I can sing it very well after a long
time I listen to the song and take a look on the
lyrics so deeply and It hit me hard I was shocked

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This song describes a lot of stuff I’m sure now that
you are scared of love or feel loved by anyone
that’s why you have been pushing everyone away.
You did love it because it describes the feeling you
can’t describe
(Just me thinking)
You listen to this song a lot of thinking of the
situation between us because when you are in a
new relationship you can't stop thinking about the
last one and it makes you feel scared even when
you are the strongest person I have ever met but
with heart, no one can play this game.
I guess you have been hurt by the last relationship
so much that you find it hard to feel, to try to live
again.
The imagery of the daffodils is very clever as it
symbolizes spring and new beginnings you want to
offer this so badly by explaining they won’t bloom
like they did last year as you are still hurt by this
event separation or previous relationship.
You’re numb, so you can’t cry
You can’t live but so desperately you want to!
Kind of like this first cut is the deepest brilliant
lyrics

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 The emotion you feel and connection to the
haunting lyrics.
A broken heart, can't let go of a previous love.
Struggling to move on and start with someone new.
Emptiness, anger and at this time unable to open
your heart up and love again.
I think….

- I promised Haya
I promise myself not to feel something for anyone
I broke that promise
It’s not too late
I still can save myself before I fall from the edge
again
Flashback to the last time I fell and I got alive it
was at that moment I promise myself to be extra
careful but
Here I am letting my guard down for you.

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- TIME GOES BY
I have been there for you with open arms ready for
the worst that could ever happen to you
Mental break down
You did say no one could help me but I did that
with you, I was there and I will always be.
I know what you ask for is not good talks or
motivational speeches I got that and I'm not trying
to do that when I listing to your problem I feel how
you feel I don’t listen to respond to you
I listen because I want you to feel alright and safe
with me.
You seek inner peace
You are searching for that
You say bad things about yourself to push people
away but guess what
I'm not going anywhere

35
 "No matter how kind you might see me as a good
person I'm not”
"All I cause is damage”
“I hope you got that”
That's what did you say but nah I'm not going
anywhere
That was the beginning because day by day you
started to open up about all things even the silly
ideas that you get because I showed you that in this
crowded room, I'm that person who sees the real
you
Running toward you, take your hands to flee
together from existing demons
I will hold your hands and take you with me to the
right path
When you feel you're down and blue come to me
I'm here whenever whatever.
I believe together you will find that inner peace you
have been searching for
And a lot of things we talked about it that I can't
write it here because it’s private but oh GOD I melt
as you said oh my Haya
Me?
My Haya?

36
 You are not letting it go, are you?
Nah I will not
And days have come and showed me what I'm in
your life
Also, you want me to see that
I'm special to you, you made sure that Haya you are
special to me and I like talking to you.
Demons are coming back to you I know that it hurt
me that you will go through all this over again and
I'm not there for you but what should I do if you
did choose that?
Did she really worth letting me go?
I gave you everything I have
I was there for you
Even though I didn’t sleep at night just to be there
for you I did everything I could and even more just
for you.
I know what I give I know every man will die for
the things I gave you
My faith was that I'm the one who
Know everything in your life
The one you feel comfortable with

37
 You will choose a woman who you feel safe with
her
Like she is your army
Wasn’t expecting that isn’t enough
You said that you are a quiet person but with me
you are not, you want me to know that very well
And oh GOD the trust between us is crazy
We build it day by day and I know a lot of things
not just the things you want me to know, I read
your eyes
This connection was built step by step in our life
If it will end it won't end that easily
It's just crazy that you decide to let this all behind
you for another girl
I don’t care who she is or if she's pretty tall and
smart I don’t give a fuck believe me
I'm just curious about what she has that made your
eyes on her
Did she give you butterflies?
Believe me, I'm not trying to compare her to me
I don’t know anything about her, I hope she is good
and will make you happy but the thing is I'm sure
she is not better than me no one will ever take all
the shit you give as I do

38
 (Don’t get me wrong with pleasure I wanna take
this)
But no one will take care of your heart like I do.
No one will understand the real you
Like I do.

- DON’T BE SCARED OF ME
Do you feel
You are weak when I'm here?
Because I know you very well
I know a lot of things that you are transparent to me
Is that made you feel it’s a bad thing?
It’s a weakness?
Believe me it's not

39
 Not with me
I want you to feel stronger when I'm near to you
You can fight the world without looking back.

I love watching
-Sunset
-Stars
-Art
-Rain
-You while smiling
-You being excited about what you
love or do.
-You being happy
-You while looking at me

40
 -You.

- DISAPPOINTED
There is something that made me feel angry, the
fact that you want to say those things to me from
another person why did you choose that option?
You don’t need to, I already know all this, if you
have something to say face me yeah face to face
say all the things you think about it maybe you
have a wrong idea
To be honest that day you made me feel
disappointed in you
Immediately say all the things you want when you
feel like a girl is coming closer
Or no when you feel like I'm getting closer did you
think that I got closer without any reason? Yeah
you say we are friends but
Friends don’t look friends that way
Friends don't treat each other like a lover!

41
Why do you care about the way I dress if it is short
and long why do you care?
Why do you care if I go to that party?
And something else why did you choose to say that
you could have walked away
Why?
For the friendships that we got?
Or do you want to know me more and don’t want
me to be rash anything
Questions are running into my brain from spot to
spot searching for answers.

- TIMES

42
 Time has no right to determine the position of a
person in your life.
There is a nice thing called situation this is who has
the full right to
It is not only situations and times
It’s DEPTH Gentlemen.

And how less were rich

How many were poor.

- HUG ME UNTIL I SMELLES LIKE

YOU
I don’t know what to call your smell it’s a mix of
Smoking and perfume
But I like it

43
I don’t think everyone thinks they love the smell of
it
It’s weird because I really hate the smell of
cigarettes but after you put a perfume there is
something about that smell
I can’t describe it
It’s something that I’m shy about
But this smell is something that made me attracted
to you.

- My TETO
His eyes are light brown
He has a beard not that thick
He has a lot of moles over his face that I like, every
time I look at one of them I lost in each one.
He is tall to the point when he has to enter the door
he has to down his head

44
He is rough, rugged but with me, he is the kindest
person
He is Bold
Stand for himself always
He is a strong silent type
Keeps to himself, yet is an ordinary guy: women
may flock to him due to the mystique that
surrounds his persona
can be rough, strong, and sensitive focusing on
being in charge and in control
His personality mix of
Aggressive, assertive
charming
confident
dependable
humble
nice
powerful
protective
reliable
self-aware
smart

45
 tough
Cute when he smiles
Scary when he is mad but for others
To me you are the only man I feel safe with
Will I look again to the only person who
understands me?
You showed me the way when I was lost
You were the one I wasn't supposed to lose
I thought I had you for a lifetime
Never again I will look to the only eyes who know
me.

46
 - Running
Running from my heart
That bit for you
To you
Running from you to you
Running from me to you
Running from everyone to you
Running from life to see your smile
I feel okay when I see it
When you look at me I have never been happier.

- Blame me
I know I'm responsible for my feelings but Word's
next action is nothing
You said we are friends and how you treat me more
than that

47
 It is impossible, why you do care about the way I
dress.
Why do you want me to know that I’m the only girl
who you shake your hand when you say hello?
(I bet that the day when I saw you on the last day of
Eid I saw you slap a girl on the back of her head
like you were joking and laughing)
Why do you care if I drink something that is bad
for my health?
Always run me in circles.

- Last night
After what happened last night I think there is no
other girl
You came to me you started to open a conversation
every time you bring a dish ask me stuff
Smiling to me
I catch you looking at me when I notice you turned
around

48
 How it is impossible to care about me and at the
same time there is a girl who you have eyes on her
If you want to care you should just care about one
girl and only one
tell me why did you come and sit with me on the
table, you were like hey can I smoke a cigarette
here with you and how can I say no to you but that
night I said to myself fuck I want him for the rest
of my life it was that smile I saw I know I want to
see it forever and I don't care how much I will wait
for you
I will wait if you tell me to
But how can I wait on something that
everything about it isn’t sure about me?
Sometimes I think does all this in my head because
I want him so I see everything in a different way no
and no I'm fucking sure the way you treat me isn’t
"FRIENDS".
More than friends
Less than lovers

49
- Believe me
I know my worth I know what I deserve but I settle
for you I saw what is coming
I saw what you are and I decided to go with that I
know that the boat was drowning and I decided to
drown with you, no matter what, I will go with you
I don’t why since we met and you told me
something wrong with you, I hated the fact that no
one could see you
I choose you even after knowing your bad side, I
don’t care
I really don’t give a fuck about what happened in
the past I know what happened is really bad and
I'm here to help.

50
-L O V E
You should know that love is a big word with
massive meaning love will never save you but I
will hold you
While you fix yourself
While you stand up again
While you save yourself
When you can't handle this shit anymore, I know
you are strong and you can handle this heavy
weight by yourself, I know what you will say
"Didn’t you think that I'm strong enough to take
others' weight?”
But by yourself is really hard, you will get tired
faster
You are not alone.

51
- Where are the Keys
Keys are missing
Keys I abandoned them on the island.
Keys I got rid of them
I made them vanish
You said that what you did
With those doors
You should know that delusory doors are more
dangerous than real ones because the real one you
can destroy it
Set the fire to it
But a delusory door that’s hard to break because
first, you have to break the mind who bullied it in
need to open it.

- Will you?

52
Him: promise me to stay by my side while I find,
stand and fix myself again.

Me: as long as you're trying, I'm staying.

I wish that will happen to us

I want you to be the best version of you

If you want to leave, leave but at least stay happy

and healthy.

I want you to achieve greatness in life,

and I hope you realize that.
I wanna see you on the top
Accomplishing everything
I wanna see you work hard

53
 As you see me by your side
I want you to know that you have a solid
female by your side who’s willing to
sacrifice everything for you
And our future together

- Demons
All of us have demons
Mine run away
When they hear your voice
When I look at your eyes
They can't stand you
They run away
As you near.

54
- Healing
Do you know what scares me that maybe you are
very damaged that you can't see me
What I give
What you deserve
You may be having
No clue
What goes around you?
How to respond to.

55
- Promise me
After fights, I will never sleep sad
After fights you will not leave me alone, you will
give me a hug
Cuddle with me
Play with my hair until I fall asleep
Hold me tight like your little girl while I'm crying
Listen to all the silly things I say without
Getting bored
I will need you more than you will need me.

- Under control
Me: I can handle your anger
You: even my mom can't do that
Me: when this comes you will see how I will
handle it

56
 You: how?
Me: I was thinking I will show you when this
happens
“I look at your eyes while I hold your face with my
soft hands will solve it all
I could make everything better with a hug."

- Every detail
I want you to know that if we dated I want to know
everything about you
I want to know what your fav color is
Fav food
I want to know that song that saved you when you
felt like everything was fallen apart
The time you broke your hand

57
 Tell me about nightmares that wake you up from
sleep
Tell me about that voice in your head that tells you
not good enough
First breakdown
First heartbreak
I want to know everything I won't settle for less
than that every small big detail
How was your childhood, How you got that scar
Because if I date you I'm dating you to keep you I
want it to last
For a reason.
- What I want
To hear those words
Okay baby, I want you and I'm gonna work and put
effort to get you
It took me years to earn your trust I am a man of
my word I will never give up on you. I will never
let you overthink always I will keep everything
clear to you, don’t ever feel scared of the idea that I
will leave you how can I leave my home?
Know that when I tell you to leave me alone
Don’t

58
 All I want is for you to pull me close to you and
hug me until my tears stop flowing.
Give me your clothes
Text me randomly in the day because you missed
me,
HUG me until I smell like you.
I want to feel you in my day
I want you….

- No more Level up
I don’t want to go through all the stages over again
Say the same story over again to another person
why?
Make my soul more and more tired
I want it to be you and no one else
Don’t have the energy or time to do it over again
Telling them how to treat me
I don't want to.

59
- Dangerous
I know I'm dangerous because I trained my brain to
take control of my feeling I can be in love with you
and leave you because you didn’t see my worth
You are worth it
But I was worth it too.

- Changes
I'm still thinking about what has changed

60
 You won't tell because you said you are not ready
to take this conversation now and it's not the right
time to, was it that you want me or you wanted me
but now, no because of the way I dress? Changed
your mind? It will be a waste of time because I'm
changing that and you know it why do you want
me to dress longer why do care?
You said you know of all the people that I like or
hate and you still decide to dress in shorts and post
pictures why do you care? How will I respond to
you?
When I feel I'm not sure what I am in your life!

- It's warm for you here

No words could ever describe the love I have for
you not even this book but I wish you could see my
heart
My love has grown deeper and deeper
No one made me laugh like you do

61
This really isn’t like me, all I think about I want to
see you
Look at me
Come to my arms
I haven’t win always but this time I want to win I
don’t want to lose
All I want to lose is me, when I look at your eyes
my heart feels happier.
My heart feels sorry for all that, I know you don’t
choose who you love and
I can't make you choose me but deep down I want
me to be the love of your life because it's what the
heart wants, I'm sorry for making everything
complicated
Sorry for saying how I feel but it is the last thing I
wanna do
Maybe it will change something if I didn’t say how
I feel maybe in the future I will reject it all, that’s
why.
I don’t want you to feel sorry for me
I am really sorry, you should know that you didn’t
hurt me my own imagination and expectation
hurt me

62
 I know after that day when you start talking less
and less that’s to understand that you don’t want
anything from me more than the friends I got didn’t
you notice that I spoke less?

- Prays
I'm waiting for the day when the man I prayed for
becomes the man I pray with
"Pray with you"
I want to be a blessing to the man I marry I want
him to say you're the woman I prayed for.

63
- My worth
Believe me, I know what I deserve
Someone who can't wait to talk to me, see me, and
spend time with me
Someone who knows how lucky to have me like he
found a treasure I won't settle for less I know my
worth but I believe that you can do that for me
I believe you can love right if I teach you
I won't let you do all this alone
I risk a lot for you …..
I risk a lot to be
Close for you.

64
- I want it be love
I don’t want this to be a lesson I want it to be love
I'm not stupid
If I am ignored I will hold all of my bags and leave
all this behind
That’s how strong I am.
But I want you……

- Meetings

65
 But every time I see you
I see how you look at me
I see that sparkle in your eyes
The eyes never lie
It's just me and you
Say it before it is too late.

There is a song for the things that have

passed away, the things we sought, and the
things that will never come to pass.
My tears
My painful recollections
My love who I miss
I always looked for you
We reside under the same sky.

66
 Yes, I used to live in pain
The days pass
The sadness still present
Cause
I think about you and miss you

- The colors in the dark

I walked to you with straight steps
With my head held up, I know what I was going
through the journey was dark but I didn’t care I
start walking every step leaving the other with
colors
I was the colors inside you
I was the change that sent to you
Stop crying, babe
Because we aren't getting away we are walking
together until everything will be okay I know I
didn’t change a lot but the reason is you pushed me
away until you kicked me out.

67
 - Can I call you?
The voice that is always heard will become routine
and won't have the ability like the voice that isn’t
heard every day
Guess what
No, the voice that isn’t heard every day will lose its
ability
With every day
Come without hearing that voice
Without hearing your voice
GOD, I miss you.

68
 - Birthday buddy
As I go back with time and I remember that day I
started smiling like an idiot when we were talking,
me sitting in the driver's seat while you standing
opposite me and the eyes contact didn’t break, it
was the first time I wasn’t shy you was shy this
time and oh GOD that sparkle in your eyes I was
about to hug you and tell you happy birthday make
it more special.
"Haya you see that this meeting and seeing you is
the best gift you didn’t need to bring anything"
When I remember that I melt like I'm your best gift.
It was the first time I see you smile like that like
you were really happy I could see that all over your
face.
We take our first picture together
And how you didn’t open your gift in front of me
because you were shy lol
And the next day you wake up really in a bad mood
and as you read the card was with it, all that bad
mood disappeared
"Damn u just changed my whole mood”
Thank you I can't describe what did you do but you
made me really happy and you made me feel a

69
 touch like I was affected and I'm human who
doesn’t been affected
As I remember that day while I'm writing about I
got sad because I know that you were gone.

- You were and will be the good to me

I feel this
I feel this in my days
In my heart
Mind
Every time I mess my one of the five prays or not
doing it on time

70
 My relationship with you becomes messed up
When I pray on time and do it without messing one
of them the conversation become so easy and
smooth
It's like if my relationship with GOD is good, with
you will be good.

- There is something messing

Why did you say for you I will set the fire on the
neighborhood?
" ‫"حبرج احلاره بشفليخ دودو‬
" ‫" يل بتتحاميش يف جفار؟‬
how can I? when you have left me at the beginning
of the way.
When you asked why do you want to do it?
Because of you I believed in the doctrine you
believe in, because I agree with you

71
" in my opinion It's enough that I talked about it not
just once that I don’t like short clothes but still you
dressed short and post pictures. WHY DO YOU
CARE?

Playlist to listen to my heart

This to understand me
I'll never love again – lady Gaga
Real you – three days grace
I belong to you – Jacob lee
talk to me – Cavetown
Gert Taberner - Fallen
friends don’t look at friends - Tate McRae
Minefields - Faouzia & John Legend
Let it all go- Birdy&Rhodes
Too Good At Goodbyes - Sam Smith
Broken – isak danielson
Arctic Monkeys - R U Mine?
Lifetime-three days grace
je suis malade - Lara Fabian
DAVICHI - It's Alright This is Love

72
 Back to friends – Lauren Spencer
Clinton Kane - I GUESS I'M IN LOVE
Heal – Tom Odell
Love in dark – Adele
Yellow – Coldplay
NF – Can you hold me
Ruth B - Dandelions
James Arthur - Say you won’t let go
Shawn Mendes - Mercy
Sam Smith - Like I Can
If the world was ending – JP Saxe
Zoe Wees - Control
A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera - Say
Something

- BEFOR SUNRISE
"People always talk about how great
Technology is, how it saves all this time.
But what good is Saved time if nobody uses it?
It just turns into more busy work."

73
This movie represents the values and ideas of the
90s in that the characters in it are wholly present
and give each other the undivided attention they
deserve. Teens should know that there's no action
in the
Movie, it's purely intellectual, but we get
The chance to see how society used to live
Before people had their heads buried in
Screens. It's a beautiful example of just how
Many two people can connect with each
Other when they don't succumb to the
Distractions that we now consider "important".

 BEFORE SUNRISE (1995)

 BEFORE SUNSET (2004)
 BEFORE MIDNIGHT (2013)

74
 - THAT TIME
Remember when we were singing to each other
through voices messages, How I was crazy, you
said if I don’t know the song I will think you are
crazy
And laugh, told me GOD blessed you to me.
If you want to continue, continue
Then you started singing and that night was fire, it
was full of happiness and joy
then I said; U know I like talking to u because I can
be who really I am and without any judgment, it's

75
 not like I care what others think of me but I feel
comfortable
When you send me a selfie and told me
Do I feel comfortable?
I send you a voice message singing so obviously
I’m comfortable
If I don't feel comf I don't reply to the person at all.

I just can't understand

Did we just go through all that for
nothing?
To become strangers again?
Really?
Let you go?

76
 - I hate reality
I got my period last night and I have a lecture that I
can't miss
My body was so weak and tired to the point I slept
during the lecture
Imagining you coming to me
To take me home, you start by putting my stuff in
my bag and told me lets go home I couldn’t stand
up because of my weak body So you did hold me in
your arms, left me in your embrace
I remember waking up in the lecture and I wished it
was real, I woke up with a tear in my eyes
Why when I need help all I think about is you, I
don’t take bits of help unless it's you.

- FUCK

77
 GOD is he really for me?
I had a lot of fights with my mind and heart trying
to forget him
And when there was peace between mind & heart
They decide to forget him
Move one
He entered my life again
When we stopped talking
After a while
You
Came back
Why?
This will be the last time

- Battle, War
I'm a fighter, I'm sure because
I'm doing my best to not leave in this situation
I'm fighting till the last breath
I think this time my battle has come to an end I had
one victory

78
 It’s your turn to earn the next one
Be ready for the next battle
Yet
I will let you fight this battle alone
But I won't let you fight alone in the war
I'm with you if you are with me
I'm with you till the last heart bit.

- Flashbacks
I swear nothing hurt like flashbacks
That moment
Returning in my mind every night
Now I need to forget it
It hurt more on my busy days
Than nights
Memories that past
The person is gone
Memory still here

79
How can I leave when the memory keeps holding
me?
I want to stay
I can't.

- Dilemma
I want to feel that kind of love
Don’t want to feel that kind of pain again
I was strongly for choosing the dangerous option
I choose to love you
But if I'm strong enough to let you in
I'm strong enough to let you go.

80
- Sadness
I just can't let you go without you having any idea
how much my feelings for you are strong
Are deep it's not just some feelings that I catch that
easily
I can't make you love me I know
I know
It just maybe you have the same feelings and you
are scared FUCK IT
FUCK IT
You shouldn’t be scared of this love, after this
book, I expose my feelings and I'm still trying for
you,
For what?
Someone that isn’t sure about me,
I should have chosen someone who will choose me
Someone who is sure about me
That will be mercy for me
But I wanted you
Is that mistake?
I'm really tired
I don't want to give up on you

81
But how can I continue if I have been ignored?

- Hurt like never

I got cheated on
Left for someone else
Lied to
A way to forget the ex
Still trying to find love
Love as I have never been hurt
Decided to choose you
Over my scars
There you are

82
 Leaving without any explanation
Just as always
Running me in circles.

- Black heart
I can't change black to colors but every time I'm
trying it turns to light black until it is the shadow of
black
Is that the begging of the path?
I see the lights turn on
It could turn to more and more colors
We can try
It's not too late.

83
- I'll never love again
Here I am listening to Lady Gaga feeling every
word she sings, shedding a tear every time she says
I'll never love again
Every time she says I don’t want to give my heart
to another stranger
Don’t want to feel anything from another stranger
When she said when we first met I never thought I
will fall
I want to pretend it's not true but here I am every
day wishing for you to come back I can't accept the
fact, you are gone I'm making myself try to forget
you But I don’t want to give the better of me to
someone else I rather waiting for you Damn how
much I relate to that.

The beaming smile you wore

84
 Approaching me
The sun in front of my dark eyes
When it is rains on dry days
Your love made my cold heart
Meltdown bit by bit
I couldn’t say the word I love you
But I made sure I was near you

- Blues
You know I'm trying to forget you
When I'm thinking about you I still shed tears
I'm sorry for not being patient
(I know I have been patient but I think that wasn’t
enough for you)
The memories, Laugh
Shared our sadness
Are they gonna be forgotten by another love?

85
 I hate that they are fading away
I will wait for you but don’t be too late
Don’t go far away
Come closer.

- END?
I’m proud of the person I’m becoming
I didn’t feel scared to give you a chance you just
made me realize I’m wrong for giving you that
chance
Now I know I can handle any situation even if that
made me sad
It’s a sad victory
But
I like the person I have become
My mind has changed
My priorities have changed I put myself first
The day we found each other I helped you out of a
broken place and I put you my first

86
 It should be my first
So
My taste has changed
My tolerance has changed no one deserves the
kindness I give
I’m evolving
Thanks to me
No one has a preference for me
Even you

87
 Don’t lie I know you are scared of the
way I make you feel I know because you
don’t want to feel anything
Here I am lighting the sparkle inside
you

- Not here anymore

Day after day you are losing me
I'm accepting the fact
I will never fight for someone who isn’t sure about
me
Or not even by my side

88
I did pass a lot of stuff when you were near but not
here but I made sure I was near and there for you
I know you will come back when you won’t find
me in her
She won't give you what I did
When she won't care about you
When you won't feel safe and comfortable with her
Because of your not your ego
But because of your pride you will make sure that
I'm wrong even if you want to come back you
won't
Because of your pride. Best of luck.
- Don’t need space
Any relationship may experience ups and downs in
terms of issues; nevertheless, taking a break is only
a temporary fix.
We will miss each other when we return, and the
issues will still exist.
Let's simply sit down and try to come up with a
solution if it's genuinely worth fighting for.
We should try to stay together because it doesn't
make sense to take a break.

89
 Only if you're also willing to fight for it am I
willing to do so.

- The end!
I just woke up and decided I don’t want to feel this
pain again if I had to fight for your attention fuck
you and your attention, when you had disappeared
for a while then you back like there is nothing I
can't take it anymore
You took a lot of my energy I will not waste more
on you, because all you cause is pain I guess you
were right when you said that
"I cause more pain than happy time"
You did that but You can't understand that no one
is willing to do for you
I know I will be hurt but I said I will do it

90
 I didn’t care, still fight for you
For what?
For someone who had the universe in his hand and
decide to let this all go for nothing
You can't understand that I saw the bad
Your bad side and I didn’t care!
You betrayed me
And I know that you will never feel sorry for the
way I hurt , Because I'm responsible for my own
feelings, you did show me you want me and now
you acting like no I didn’t.
and
Yes, I will give you advice Next time when you
want to be just "friends" with someone treat them
like "friends"
Be careful
No one will react clam like me.

91
- Inside me
I know you don’t want anything from me, but I
won't give you the chance to say that to me
But there was this voice inside me sure you are the
one, told me you were wrong he wants you but he
was just a little scared
Time isn’t there for us
Maybe in the future.

- 505
Under the same sky
Every day pass all the difference you are

92
 Not near anymore
I just want to see you
See your smile
I miss you
And I don’t care if I will back to 505
If it's a seven-hour flight or a forty-five-minute
drive
In my imagination lying together
Until we fall asleep.

- Let’s be in touch
It’s been almost two weeks since the last time we
were in touch
I called because I needed help with the problem I
have, you were busy at work you told them I’m on
the phone you made sure that I was fine and clam
told me it’s good to hear your voice.
Contact me again to ask what happened.

93
 The next day I called because I want to give you
the thing from the trip You answered hi Haya I’m
at work is there something the restaurant is full
After half hour I met you, the sparkle in your eyes,
you said it is beautiful because it’s from you
anything from you is beautiful
you asked me if you look good
And I did that too I was wearing a black long dress
you looked at me with a proud look because you
don’t like clothes that show a lot of skin
That was the last time I talked to you
After a week you called out of nowhere
I was at work they told me someone is calling I
said who? They said your name
I was really shocked
I got nervous
Why are you calling is there something wrong?
You said hi Haya
Yes?
I said you the one who called
Oh really by mistake but It's nice to hear your voice
and we hung up
By mistake and you answered quickly

94
 Funny
The last time I heard your voice….
It's just every time we talk on the phone your voice
there is something like you are shy and nervous I
can't describe it

What’s happened that

I was busy being yours
For you to forget everything
About me

95
 - August
This is the first time in my 21 years this day isn’t
my day, this year I hated this day because of you,
Because of you I don’t want to celebrate it I deleted
every social app that says it’s my birthday to see if
you will remember Will you make my day more
special?
It's just funny how I thought you will remember,
when we were talking you totally forgot about it,
how you will remember when we stopped talking
At the end of the day when the clock was 23:20
you called not because you remembered but
because you saw the story on my Instagram, I
know that you asked your cousin about it because
you weren’t sure but you know that it is today, it
just more worst cause It took you all day to make
sure that it is. You called and said I was busy at
work Said happy birthday to me I felt like it’s
nothing like if you didn’t say anything at all you
wouldn’t change anything To be completely honest
for my 21 birthday My wish was to see you that
will make my day
Not presents or anyone wish me a happy birthday
just seeing you

96
 I hope I didn’t pick up the phone.

- One Day
I hope one day you will realize I was just trying for
you
Make you part of my life, my future now you are
just a memory in the past
The past that you weren’t supposed to be in
Never again
Will I look to the only person that I wanted?
One day you will look back and remember how
good I was
Only then it will be too late

- Something bad happened

I picked up my phone to call you
But I put it back down

97
 I had forgotten that you were not here anymore
You are deep inside my heart
It wasn’t fair for me to ask
If you come back to me will you make sure
I’m not alone anymore?
When I close my eyes I imagine myself in
your embrace because I know you will protect
me no matter what happens
I will always wait for you
The joy of meeting it’s all now memories
gonna fade by the time
When I think about the future together
I know you won’t be there with me
I can’t find joy even though it’s heartbreaking
To wait.

- MISS YOU FOR THE LAST TIME

Is really this the end?
Never again will I look into the only eyes that
knew me, understand me
I keep writing and deleting because I don’t know
what else could I say than this
It's just I'm tired of waking up wondering if you are
here or not

98
 I was Worrying about what could go wrong
But what did go wrong
Was never the thing I worried about?

- YOU got what you want

You want me to stop talking,
Texting you?
Do you want me to leave you alone?
Do you want your space?
You got it
At least Have the balls and tell me the truth
Behind all that why are you hiding it? Because you
don’t want to make me upset or sad?
You think I will be hurt?
Will I prefer I heard that from you?
The truth will always be better than RUNNING
AWAY.

99
 - Let’s close the book
You made me think we had something but it was
nothing but a game, Days you show me something
On the other there’s nothing
you come in and out of my life because you know
that no matter what you do, I'll still reply like there
is nothing
You knew I had a soft spot for you
I did a lot for you, but it didn't matter anymore
because you still had the heart for what I did, I hate
myself more for letting this happen, I wonder
maybe because deep down I wish this will
happened but I won’t force a connection
I was in love with the fake image I made of you
You can’t see me even though I showed you all my
ways
I always wanted it to be you but you never wanted
it to be me
Now you have gone and I should let you go
Because I finally accepted that.

100
 I know you won’t forget me because all I caused
you are happy memories
You won’t forget a woman with good intentions
and a pure heart
but
when are you gonna let me in
I’m getting tired
Where have you gone?
And if you have a minute let us go to the place that
we used to go
This could be the end of the story
So why we don’t go to
If we met by any chance
How are you?
I’m fine too
I wanna great you with a smile
I have been holding all my tears but know I’m okay
It feels nice today
Although I waited for you in my room
Waited, waited, and cried for you because I know it
won’t work if we meet again, because no matter
how much I try you won’t come back

101
 I will declare to you that I liked you
from the start but I tried to control my
emotions and deny them at the same
time because I don’t want to get my
heart broken, I told myself I can’t fall
yet, I tried to protect myself but I got to

102
point that everything was out of control
because of your actions

Every time I'm trying to finish this book something

happens between us
I decide that I finish it and here's my mind thinking
of something to say
I'm inspired again
Well
I wanted to show you that in this world I’m the one
who will never give up on you but there you are
given up on me
And I will say that
I will rather be heartbroken than be the reason that
your heart is broken

103
 Because of me.
I want you to find love again even if it's not me all I
want is for you to be happy.

- No matter what
Do you know what I want us to be?
I want to work on myself with you by my side
and I want you to work on yourself with me by
your side
Life isn’t easy but we can do it together
Let’s watch each other grow
Whatever we have a relationship or friendship
all I want to see you successful, I want you to
be the better you when I’m near
Let’s support each other
Build each other
Believe in each other
I want you and me to be the peace to each
other not problems

104
 I know you, are not a person who likes talking
on the phone like sending messages it’s okay
all I want is when we need each other
Be there for other.

- My last goodbye
I want to communicate with you very badly.
I miss you and you have no idea.
We both moved forward with life, acting like we
never existed in each other's lives.
We have new lives, we have new jobs,
New beginnings.
I wonder if you ever think of me or want to reach
out to me.
I think we’re the perfect match for each other.
It's been a while since we last spoke but I still carry
you in my heart.
We have a lot of pride to connect with each other I
guess.
I hope to find you in another life, to repeat it again.
We weren't meant to be in this life.
Always

105
 I want you to be happy and healthy, don’t let
anything happen to you ،I couldn’t say that last
time we spoke because I don’t want you to feel that
I care about you ،I care about you a lot to the point
if you need a part of my body I will run to give you
Please, in this scary, harsh world don’t get hurt
It hurt me to see you in pain
Don’t let anything happen to you because if I heard
that you are in the hospital I will run to see you no
matter what I don’t care what others say or if our
families know about it
I don’t care
Don’t let anything happen to you
Stay safe my love.

- This is my last surprise for you

You did inspire me to write a song
It's not mine, to be honest I just made a new lyric
it's another love but for me
It loves again

106
I know how much you love this song and how you
relate to it you didn’t tell me anything about your
past but I can feel this because of the way you had
to protect your heart you look scared
So I decide to change the lyrics with a new one
because I want you when listening to it feel happy
and let the past behind
I want you to be happy
And it's okay to love again you will find love if he
didn’t find you first.
Don’t ever feel scared if she shows you that she
cares about you
If care she cares because you are important
I hope you will like it
Love again

-LOVE AGAIN
I wanna take you home so you know I care
But I’m so lost and I don't know how
I brought you daffodils on a pretty string
They will flower like they did last spring
And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright

107
 I'm so powerful to share your nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love you
But all your tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All your tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All your tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All your tears have been used up.
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
I will make you safe with me until the end
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, and I know I'll win
And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
I will sing it to you everyday
And I wanna cry, I wanna make you learn to , learn
to love again
On love again
Love again,
All your tears will be used
On love again, love again

108
 All your tears there is no need to tears
On love again, love again
All your tears there no need to tears
On love again
On love again
I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
I will sing it to you every day until the end I will
stuck with you
Until the end
stuck with you
On love again, you will love again
All your tears there is no need to
On love again, you will love
Again
No no tears anymore
On love again
there is no need to tears
On love again, love again
Anymore.

109
And I say that I'm through but this song

still for you

I
Won't
Fight
For
Love
If

110
 You
Won’t
Meet
Me
Halfway

PART TWO

111
Wish me luck I am going to give him the
.book

112
Everything in time

113
 To get something you never had, you have
to do something you never did
– Denzel Washington “Fall Forward”
Commencement Speech Transcript

I lost myself a while ago somewhere between being

.young and growing up
It was a messy path, I couldn't escape from it, I
took a lot of wrong turns I didn't know where to
look or go, somehow I found my way through all
the pain, I did it on my own every single day and I
understand everything just after destroying myself

114
 but now I learned that trying has many forms
sometimes you don't realize that you were trying all
along until you look back seeing how far you've
.come
I promise you that the bad days with happy
moments will become happy days with bad
.moments
So If I met the younger version of me again I will
hug her tight and thank her for what she been
through, how she decided to stay strong and in
control even when everything around her was
telling her you need to give up , You lost your
.battle. Stop here let it all go
The past version of me was so stupid and naïve
because she thought if she made good she will get
it back but all she got is really bad things. I’m
.really proud of you, of how far you have come
.Thank you for never give up on me
We have one life why should I spend it
playing mind games
?When I want everything to be clear

115
- Do you remember?
Our first meeting
Our first-hand touch

116
 Do you remember telling me that I'm the only
female you touched her hand, how you tended
to press firmly against my hand while joking
with me despite the fact that it didn't hurt, I
would say to you,
"You're hurting me,"
Your eyes changed immediately from
happiness to look worried.
I remember the day you refused to let go of my
hand
I spent my days just to contain you
“I don’t want anyone to contain you just me”
You were the Patience hope
I remember the time you refused to release my
hand.
I remember the first of everything
My eyes were laughing for you while my lips
were simultaneously grinning and humming "I
Hate It Because I Was Fearless and Bold"
I guess my love for you is like a red rose.

- I already lost
You were my first true love that I believe I will
never forget. Time has passed, but I still get
emotions when I see your face., I wonder to myself
how he can be so fucking handsome and attractive,
how he continues to leave me nervous, and how I

117
 remain to be in love with my best friend that
vanished. I wrote this before I handed you the book
for the reason I got inspiration from the fact that I
had been in love or, let's say, I was thinking that
was love until I came across you. I still sense a
connection between us; why is that?
I've loved you for as long as I can remember, but I
knew that loving you meant losing you. It had been
a losing game, but my coronary heart belongs to
you. It's too late for I love you, but I love you. All I
can say is that I miss seeing your stupid perfect
face, I enjoy seeing that smile, and that laugh for
something silly I made up just to change your
outlook on life.
And deep down, I knew that I would miss you so
much that it would be painful till I forgot about
you, but I'm going to maintain that to myself
because you left my life the moment I made the
choice to give you the book knowing that I had
been incorrect about you the entire time.

- How it happened
I could hardly believe it when I knew the news
today ,I had to come and change my plans because
I need to get the news straight from you I was told
someone's swept your heart away from me, it
wasn’t supposed to be October but with October

118
 comes the book, I got the chance to see the
glimmer on your face, I see your eyes and I got
nervous cause from the look on your face I see it
was true, I see the rejection and regretting in you
and me
I want the US to be more than friends, when
everyone's perfect can we start over again?
My heart beats another ten thousand times before I
got the chance to say I miss you and I love you,
when you got a dark mood I will be your brightest
mood
But how can I blame you when I built my world
around, The hope that one day we'd be so much
more than friends has gone, I’ve been considering
how I could unexpectedly get in touch with him
and tell him, "I need to meet you in person."
Because he was being so protective, I told him that
a random person was bothering me and that I
needed some help. I picked something that I know
he won't wait for and will show up as soon as he
can, even if he can't.
I had never before witnessed him so furious, and I
was to blame.
We shall meet on Wednesday as per our agreement
to do so.
He's going to go crazy thanks to me.

119
 - It’s time , Big day here we come …
So around 10:30 he showed up., I was wearing a
short black dress, to be honest, I didn’t like the idea
of him meeting me after a wedding friend because
from the moment I told him I decided to not dress
short I didn’t, I didn’t break any promise I make
but it just I don’t have anything to wear and I don’t
want to buy any, so as I previously mentioned, I
was standing tall and boldly wearing a black dress
with red lipstick, straight hair and black high heels,
I was standing confident and tall.

120
His eyes never left mine as he walked in toward
me, the first thing his eyes said I looked
magnificent in a beautiful way. However, until he
was in front of me, his lips remained silent.
He says hello how are you?
(As we greeted one another, we shook hands)
Me: How are you doing?
He said, "Listen, nothing happens the way you
expect it to."
Me: Will you kindly allow me to speak?
Him: NO, listen carefully." (I stop him)
Me: Please don't interrupt me this time; doing so
will lead me to lose track of everything I am
thinking about. Just this one time, let me speak
.first
“He lays his back on the car with his hands holding
together in his embrace looking at me with the look
yeah I’m listening”
He glanced at me and said nothing when I claimed
there was no guy or anything, "Like then why?" I
replied that I made that up for meeting you as soon
as I could.
However, all he said was "ok" and lit a cigarette,
.which indicated mean that he is nervous

121
 I gave him my back after giving him my full
attention because I had to get my shit together no
matter what, I took a deep breath and explained to
him, "Listen, there has been something heading
near for the last three months and I wasn't sure if I
could do and handle it, but I did it and I'm so proud
of myself," to which his eyes responded, "Like,
what is this gonna go?" then he said, "I can't read
".your mind or predict your next moves
I told him, I didn't believe I was that brave, but I
.guess I am for you
And the thought that Haya had the fortitude to do it
encouraged me to take action, you’re seeking
clarification.
So To get something you never have -
I was about to finish the sentence when he cut me
off.
“You have to do something you never did”
He completes the thought, and I ask him, "You
"?know it
I abruptly picked up the book and put it in front of
his face without stopping to ponder.
He gave me a bewildered expression as if to ask,
"What is that?" What in the world?

122
 He glanced at me with a stunned expression as he
saw the cover, and I observed that he was focusing
more on the devil than the angel
I approached him as he began to open it and
stopped him by saying, "Read this page first." I was
planning on opening the page, but I was so anxious
that I don't know if he noticed that my hands were
shaking, so I said, "I want you to read this page
first."
It was
THIS IS FOR YOU“
TO THAT PERSON WHO INSPIRE ME TO BE
A
BETTER PERSON
YOU DID INSPIRE ME IN THIS BOOK A LOT
”THIS IS FOR YOU
I can't wait to see his response, I'm dying within.
When he saw it, I turned to him and said, "This is
you. You are the one who inspired me."
He had an extremely speechless, surprised
expression that mixed many different emotions.
He began to open a page at random when I
instructed him to stop and not open any more while
I was present.

123
 I attempted to break the ice by saying, "You see
this cover?" I put it for a reason. You know how
much this means to us. Each time he tried to say
something, he can't. Eventually takes a breath and
shuts the book. He saw that my name was on the
cover and was astonished for the second time.
He spoke: Haya for the first time in my whole life,
I find myself completely dumbfounded. I have no
idea what to say or do and am spinning in rounds in
my head. You left me stunned by spinning me
around. He says Haya then he turned around
because he had a tear in his eyes, yet he tried to
hide them, even though I could see them.
He said, "You know I told myself we need to talk
too, but for the first time there is someone who is a
step ahead of me and isn't afraid to say what they
think." I'm a step behind you Haya, he inhaled
deeply and regained awareness. I smiled at him
because I didn't want him to feel humiliated, but for
the first time, I informed myself that I was the one
who had caused him to be confused all along. So I
made another attempt to break the ice by asking,
"First of all?"
He gave me a confused look as he said, "Haya, my
faith," before maintaining eye contact and saying,
"I don't want to do something that I will regret
later." I knew what he was thinking because I had

124
 previously told him, "You are transparent to me,
yet he did nothing," and I smiled. He reiterated to
me Haya I honestly have nothing to say and am
unsure of what to do. Haya you see, 2022 is likely
to be the worst year ever for me, but this book is
the nicest thing that has ever happened to me this
year.
Haya, we must talk and see each other on Saturday,
but first, you must pledge to come. I said I had
work, but he answered I don't care.
Now I am aware of this book, I promise you that I
would keep myself up late to read it because I want
to.
I then informed him that I had a question for him.
He, acknowledged me Haya.
What do you mean when you said that I don't want
to do something that I would later regret it? I asked
him.
But he answered with a mischievous grin, he
remarked, "The author of this book knows exactly
what that thing is. My stupid mind said I know, but
I'm just making sure.
"He, therefore, drew nearer, and I moved back. He
then grabbed the palm of my hand and said, "See
you Saturday. Come on, jump in the car."

125
"All I want from this question is to make a move, I
wanted him to come and hug me even if at first I
took a step back”
-I waited two minutes in the car before leaving
because I wasn't sure if I should go outside and
give him the hug we both wanted. But I responded
to myself, "No, Haya, you're not that kind of
person," because I had a sneaking suspicion that he
might be dating someone.
Driving, I was incredibly thrilled, sad, and nervous.
I began to tear up without warning because of how
he reacted
his reaction said there is no other woman in his
life but I was crying because I know what I did
wouldn’t change my mind I already choose what to
do, it just I need answers and more time to
understand what is the real reason even though I
was aware, I simply wanted to be sure. I didn't go
home because I needed to see a buddy first. I
couldn't handle anything and I couldn't go home
looking like this. There were many conflicting
emotions present.
He was behind me, but when I turned around again,
he wasn't. Later, I received a message from him.
He sent a picture
”It was that he is listening to the song “another love

126
 He wrote to me
”I think I reached my most sensitivity rn“
What are the chances of this happening, I asked
him. I send him a picture and said it was it wasn't a
coincidence because I'm also listening to this song
I received a voicemail.
He uttered Haya.
To be completely honest, I feel like I'm going
around in circles and have no idea what to do or
say. I need to go home, eat, pray, because I need to
think and can't think currently.
- Later that night -
I initially believed that night was over until he sent
me a photo of him.
He had red eyes “It showed how much he cried",
which startled me and caused me to cry since I
didn't want him to cry. After a few moments, he
began sending a message that contained every word
in one message “like this “
I don’t know
I don’t know
What are you doing to me
For the first time
In my life

127
 That’s
Happened
To
Me
What
Should
I do
I can’t continuum reading it
He shared a second photo of himself with tears
.running down his cheeks
”I’m breaking down“
Then he said
.…I’m still at the beginning of the book
I don’t know
If I can handle this
I feel so weak
I’m crying
I’m crying right know
I said to him
It's good to be weak in front of me, but I don't want
.you to be; I just want you to be the strongest
.Then we end up the chat with good night

128
 Sleeping makes me scared because I
don't want to wake up and realize that
everything was only a dream.
I awoke, it was a nightmare.
But
?Is that a truth you want it
.Then act like you mean it

- Next day

129
I woke up with a message he said we need to talk
He sent this : (I'm not sure if I should tell you guys
this because it's sort of personal, but it's okay
because I want you guys to love him and view him
through my eyes, not hating him)
- HIM –

I felt incredibly happy when I saw this and began

to cry because he was my closest buddy and the
sole person whose opinion I cared about.
After work today, we must speak

130
You need to comprehend a lot of things, and I want
you to make every effort to comprehend me.
I need your help to be strong and steadfast since
I'm about to fall.
Many thanks.
Although I initially answered no and that I didn't
want anything from him
(I got soft and weak again), when I realized he was
asking for assistance, my perspective changed.
Then I told him
- HAYA -
You can’t understand how much I’m proud of you“
mean to me Of all people yours will be my favorite,
now I’m the one who is speechless to be honest I
didn’t imagine it will make this effect on you or
me, I’m patient with you I will always be don’t
ever feel that I’m putting pressure on you it’s okay
you have all the time and of course, I'll try my best
to comprehend you. I'll most definitely understand,
and I'll be the first to be there for you throughout
any experience you may be having, whether it's
.good or bad
(I didn't say I'm constantly at your side because I
want him this time to do an effort for me).

131
- Quit requesting that I remain
I just don't see why you need me
Why do you require my support on a constant
basis?
Why would you ask me to remain after writing
that letter about how proud you were of me, if you
are dating another girl?
I was passing the time on Tiktok when it hit me, I
saw a hand on a profile pic and I knew it was yours
but then why?
Merely because you found me attractive or perhaps
it's because I give off such a pleasant vibe that your

132
 feelings for me can't possibly be classified as
friendship or love
It appears like you are utilizing me
I'm not available to you while there is another girl
waiting for you.

While you were distracted by someone

else
I was busy being yours.
What's worse?
In my opinion
Is that your heart wants her while your
mind wants you to be with me.

133
 - Some individuals err
“For that person who inspired me to become a
better person, this is for you “
Since I gave you the book, I've been considering
these phrases. I've learned that they are for me; you
are not the one who inspired me or anything; I just
realized that you were the root of the issue at hand.
It's a certain affection for someone I care about, not
for my life partner. I wouldn't deny any sentiments
I had for you, I guess they were simply sadness that
you had no one to understand you. I didn't think it
would sap my energy, I have given you all the time
that it should be just for me. I didn't anticipate that
it would have such a significant impact on me, so
I'm extremely grateful that you now have a
supporter by your side.
You were a red flag from the beginning and when I
closed my eyes, I realized that a red flag would
never turn green.
That was the only thing that I got blind about, I
won't accuse you of being a nasty person or
anything; nevertheless, since the situation has
changed and I am now in charge, it is my turn to

134
 shine. I made the mistake of letting you take
precedence over me, but I realized my mistake
before it was too late. As a result, I will transform
all the dark things into something lovely.
You simply led me to believe that you are the
book's motivation, but you're not.
I want to correct the error that I made in part one -
This is for me.
My passion is the one that truly motivated me.

- Why part two needs to happen?

135
 To be completely honest, despite everyone's
advice, I didn't consider writing part two since, as I
mentioned in the introduction, everything related to
this book is personal.
However, perhaps someone will benefit from my
story because of this.
I use it as a way to help myself sense more at ease
with dealing with situations so that I can move on
with life and heal something that I didn't deserve to
deal with in the first place. But that's life;
sometimes you have to go through hell because you
are too kind to others. Don't stop being kind; just
recognize who deserves your generosity.
Remember to shut the window because everyone
in your life will be like a wave of air that comes
and departs.
In order for you guys to be smarter and avoid
making the same mistakes as me, I want to share
what I've learned from my experience. If you
decide to put work or energy into anything that will
help you accomplish more in life, doing it for the
benefit of other people is never a good idea.

- It’s raining again

It just my wish

136
 Dancing with the love of my life
When it’s raining
.That's the emotion I want to experience
Despite the fact that I was well aware that you
.weren't the right person for me
I wanted you to be more enjoyable because our
.minds aren't alike
So let’s pull up all the gravity for us
Ignore your dislike of this and join me on a little
excursion
Let's create a memory we will always remember
Is it okay if I let you cross my mind while it's
raining?
Do I grab your hand?
We can't figure out how to dance, but let's try
Just attach the rhythm for the time being.

- I want to terminate this ridiculous

story.
I have so been discussing it with myself.
Why should I be stuck going around in circles with
no way out?

137
When I did finish part one “Are we a moment or a
“ lifetime
My mind and heart had a discussion about what to
do next; in the end, they agreed to stop all this
nonsense, but first, we must comprehend what took
place in order to know all the answers to my
inquiries.
So I took the following step with boldness and
bravery.
To give the book to the young man I loved because
he is not acting in a mature enough manner.

- Miracles came to light in November.

Funny how they are so confident you will meet
your soulmate in October.
I was certain that you weren't the one for me in
October
But in December, miracles happened

138
 .I cherished you notwithstanding the pain
.But I can nonetheless no longer love you
I’m not an opinion
I’m worth more than that
I loved you but the love that I had for you is what
hurt me the most
.I forgot who really I am

All the things I did was just to call you

.mine

139
- Its End With US
To keep my readers thinking you are cool as I
discussed in part one, I will never discuss what
transpired when we discussed to understand one
another's positions. However, I don't want to talk
because I feel disgusted. I never went back to read
the messages once again because I really can't look
at them, just like I can't look at you, you have
disappointed me. I always knew the phony you, but
you exposed me to the genuine you.
However, this was the first time I became
irrationally angry because you made me feel
responsible for everything up until the very last
breath. How you began accusing me when I never
attempted to express my feelings
How dare you make me believe it's my
responsibility when you weren't a man who should
be held accountable for his words or even his
deeds?

140
After I kept pressing him, he admitted that he has a
girlfriend. I wanted to be taken aback but I wasn't
because I knew from the beginning, I simply
wanted to hear that from him. Yet whenever I
reflect on our conversation, I feel let down because
I was hoping you would face me. I wished
you have the courage to do so. It's just that this isn't
what I ought to receive, but I did get what I wanted.
The only thing I differ with is the fact that I should
have let him know that I was aware of the other girl
when I gave him the book. Had I done so, I
wouldn't have learned the full truth—that he was
attracted to me and thinking about what to do
because I am a good person and losing him would
be a waste— yet in doing so, he actually caused me
more suffering because he led me to believe that I
was the only person in his world.
I feel something toward you it is just not a
friendship or romantic emotion Haya. I'm not sure
why, but for some reason, I feel drawn to you. I
recall everything he said, even if he didn't express
his love for me out loud. If the book didn't matter
or if I didn't matter, he wouldn't react the way he
did. He will apologize even if it was all for naught.
Haya, but I truly don't care for you in that sense,
and I already have a girlfriend.

141
 I'm writing to express my disappointment because
he failed to do the tasks he was supposed to.
Consequently, our relationship is over.

- Like me, love her

The only way to end the story without going
through all of this was when I asked you, "What am
I to you?" But don't worry; everything happened
for a reason.
You said Haya, although I'm I am very attracted to
you and I have feelings for you, but they are not
feelings of love.
You Said I Think Calling It Best Friends Is
Bullshit, lol
Furthermore, I can see why you did it.
Your best buddy is in one hand and cares so much
about you, while the girl you adore is in the other
hand.
What should I do in this situation?
Someone who love me so much
Or
?Someone who I love so much

142
- It was a rush
First time
?Why should I run again
God is aware of my sincere concern
.I observed you abandon me
Give me tepid responses
Talk less
Losing interest
I turned aside then I walked away
Due to the fact that your pledge was meaningless.
Until the book
Me telling feelings
The dry became wet with happy responses.

- The fairytale
I worked so hard to fulfill your expectations
That I lost sight of who I truly was.

143
 The real me
But I didn’t lose myself
I woke up from the fairytale
.You aren't here
It’s me, myself and I
.I'm still energized after waking up
I awoke wondering what I should do next and I
started writing, reading, and Take a listen to the
music I enjoy.
Every spare moment I have, I should take care of
myself.
No time for other people.

- - I wish I had forgotten about the

other girl.
- I will write this time with my heart
because I been holding
I want to stop time to travel back where I took a
step back and take a step closer to you and let you
hug me because I want to experience hugging you,
because I have been waiting for you. Maybe it can

144
be incredibly exhilarating and emotionally charged.
I think it would be like
As you approach the person you've been longing
for, your heart begins to race, and a mix of
anticipation and nervousness fills your body.
Time seems to slow down, and every step toward
them feels both surreal and magical. Your mind is
consumed with thoughts of the impending embrace,
wondering how it will feel, how they will respond,
and how the moment will unfold. when I find
myself in your arms. The first touch, as our bodies
meet, sends a surge of electricity through your
entire being. It's as if a jolt of warmth and comfort
passes between us, transcending any words or
gestures.
One time I saw that your senses heighten, and you
become acutely aware of their presence—their
scent, the texture of their skin against yours, and
the sound of their breath.
As you hold me tightly, time seems to stand still.
The world around you fades into the background,
the embrace becomes a sanctuary, a place of solace
and safety. It's as if all the longing, desire, and
longing you've felt during the waiting period are
being fulfilled in this single moment.

145
 I think after what I been trough I deserve a hug
from you, hug from you that will let me forget the
pain I been holding, a hug from you that say how
,much I missed you
imagine how this feeling of needing your hug but I
pushed myself away because I know there is
something wrong with this whole thing and the
moment while me giving you the book was perfect
timing and I know you want to hug me too because
your body languages speak to me, I wish then
Your lips meet my forehead, and an explosion of
emotions cascades through you. It's a mixture of
passion, tenderness,
In that instant, the rest of the world seems
insignificant, and you're consumed by the sheer joy
of being in each other's presence. Time seems to
slip away as you lose yourself in the sweetness of
the kiss, savoring every touch, every gentle
movement of your lips.
In that embrace and kiss, you find a sense of
completeness, as if all the pieces of the puzzle have
finally come together. It's a moment that validates
your patience and reinforces the depth of your
connection. There's an overwhelming sense of
fulfillment, happiness, and contentment that

146
 envelops you, making you feel truly alive and
cherished.
You can tell how powerful I was by the way you
looked at me for over three minutes without
breaking eye contact. I said no even when I wanted
,to do it and would later reject it
So I took a step back when you were moving
forward without knowing and the way you said you
?will reject it why? Cause you have a girlfriend
but no I won’t let you close to me that’s why I took
. a step back
I am not weak.
I became aware that someone was between us
around the beginning of June. It's ironic to refer to
it as us because we have never existed, but I didn’t
have any prove until I saw a picture of your hand in
her profile, do you see? That’s how much I know
you
That is how well I am acquainted with you.
Just your hand and I know this hand belong to you
But you lied when you claimed that I must first
love myself before I can love another person.
Because you already in love with her.

147
- I didn’t know
I didn’t know that we were lovers until I told
someone about you actually it’s so funny to ask me
why
Why?
Because if you go back to the text between us
Everything about us says we were lovers but we
didn’t make it official
Friends don’t talk every day
Friends don’t talk for 24 hours
Friends don’t intervene with each other
Friends don’t flirt with each other

148
 Maybe you will deny all this but deep down you
know what I said is the truth we lived in
You loved me secretly because it was the wrong
time until what happened happens.

- Fifteen second
The trust is broken
Will never be the same again
Part one detailed how hard we labored to earn this
trust, and you know how much I gave it my all.
You are aware of the amount of work we put into
building this trust; there are many details that only
me and you are aware of. However, all you did was
break the trust in fifteen seconds.
And what will happen next?
Fifteen seconds will never get back.

149
 For two individuals who were afraid of
falling in love, the fact that we were
lovers sheltering beneath a friend's wall
appeared to be sufficient
And if you asked me, I would respond,
Give me some old-fashioned love

- Something Borrowed
I was upset with you for making it seem like it
was my fault, but for some reason, I wasn't able
to understand what was going on this time. I
wanted to know why you hadn't told me how
you felt, and I don't want to go back and read
the texts. After being away from you, I think I
finally understand it. First of all, it's not my
fault that I haven't expressed my feelings for

150
 you because I was upset by the thought of
losing you. I am aware that you are saying that
it's too late because I already have someone in
my life.
You have been attracted to me for two years and
felt something like liking rather than loving if
you wanted me to like you said I tried to love
her but I didn't or couldn't, but I won't believe
you because we have to work it from both sides.
I was fighting for this alone and you never did
any of that so please understand and see this
from my side.
Even though it did hurt more but I forgive you
I need to move on, I hoped you told me from the
beginning that I can’t take you more than friends
and its bullshit for me and you to be friends, not
just because I have feelings for you, you were
attracted to me
You liked me.
I spoke with a guy about you, and he says the same
thing, but he didn't blame me; he mentioned what
you said about how I didn't express my emotions to
you when there were only the two of us, and I
recalled a movie called "Something Borrowed”
The exchange of "I love you" during their talk is
quite similar. I should have told you a long time

151
ago that I loved you, but I'm telling you now before
it's too late.
I haven't lived my life either, like you, but I want to
now and I want to spend it with you.
However, it's too late and I need to leave.

I didn't realize we were in a relationship

until I told someone about you; in fact,
it's so funny, ask me why.
Because if you look back at our text
messages, everything points to the fact
that we were in a romantic relationship,
but we chose not to make it official.
Friends don't interfere with each other,
they don't talk to each other every day,
and they don't flirt with each other.
Perhaps you'll deny all I've said, but
deep down you know it's the truth of the

152
situation we were in. You secretly liked
me since the timing was off, but until
what happened, it didn't matter because
we lived in it.

- Time to move on
Wondering where are you right now
The movie started but I can’t see anything
I was busy crying
Everyone around me tells me how I can be this
strong to let you go
How can I be strong like nothing happened?
But they don’t know that if I’m strong enough to
let you in I’m strong enough to let you go
They don’t know I was pretending that I’m strong I
don’t like how they looked at me as a broken heart
but they are right it’s okay to cry and be broken
what I had been through isn’t something that
happened like a few years ago it was about one

153
week it’s okay to be broken but little do you know
how I was breaking while you was falling asleep
Little do you know I was hunting the memories?
I was picking up the broken pieces
I was tired of pretending that I was strong
I was breaking into my room for hours crying until
I told myself I can’t be sad about someone who
was happy with another person I need to fake it,
until it the truth day by day I really felt like I start
healing but when I read the first book on my shelf I
started to shed a tear because I remembered how is
to be loved by anyone.
And time passed and I deleted him from any social
media and moved on with my life, I got a lot of
things to do, and let’s not forget there are around
me people who need me and I won’t let them
down.

154
 - Confession?
when I knew there was another girl all I was
thinking about was that cannot true he didn't say
that to me, that was just what I saw maybe I am
wrong this hand isn't his although I know this hand
belongs to you, all I wanted for you to say the night
I give you the book, There is no other girl I don’t
need to think, you are the one who has my heart
Thanks for getting close to me
Just stay where you are
I'll be the one to get closer to you from now on
I wanted you after that is to hug me
And says sorry for taking this long time to realize
what you are mean to me
And kiss my forehead.
This is the saddest, most pathetic thing I ever wrote
to you
But the funnies thing is how you blamed me for
how I didn't say anything, you said it could be me,
and you, just your words made me realize that
If I had asked you first you would have chosen me
anyway.

155
- There is no us
I give up on you for me
I give up on us
There is no us anymore
I don’t want you
Never
You destroyed everything that could possibly
.happen
I give up on us because I don’t want to lose my
respect for myself
I don't want to lose what is real
You don’t have a chance with me
Because you were never real.

- Out of black
We meant to pass by
Meet each other
Drew memories

156
 Be in each other memory
We painted the memories with colors
I painted yours with playful colors
All you did was make me go black
You did left because I opened the door
But I want you
?Does that make sense
As that comes you back to her
.And I will get out of black

- I am healing
You are strong
You are perfect in your own way
You are gorgeous the way you are
Pretty to the point I can’t take my eyes off you
You have no idea how proud I am of you Haya
I know you will make it soon
I believe in you
You are an amazing and kind person
.Thank you

157
- You are moving on
Start to realize that all the things I was blind to
The lack of communication
Leaving when things got too hard
The false hopes they would give you of a future
together
The distance they created when you just want love
You do realize all the things you deserve
Remember you are worth it again
You are worth the world and that is not just enough
You deserve everything you wish for.

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 - The memories will hunt you
One day you going to see her holding hands with
someone
Who seized your opportunity one day
She won't even pay you attention since
.She is too occupied giggling at his ridiculous jokes
Seeing her gorgeous grin and realizing it will
break your heart
Realize that you are no longer the cause
Then it will finally hit you
It was her
.It was always her

For you, it will be just a hug a kiss something

transient
But as for me, it would be the first of everything
from the person I love

159
 I want the first of everything with someone I
love and him too it will have a great meaning
and symbolizes the beginning of a special bond.
It represents the first physical expression of
affection and can be a powerful and memorable
moment in a relationship. The emotions
associated with such experiences are personal
and unique to each individual, making them
deeply significant.

- Give it back to me
- Did he Deserve it or not?
I want the book back not because I am ashamed,
No because I think you don’t deserve it anymore I
promised myself I won’t say nothing more about
that conversion on Instagram because every time I
remember it I feel sick,

160
 You aren’t the man I had fallen in love with, , I
hate you because I love you
I hate the way you talked to me that night,
I hate you for thinking that you could possible hide
it until the last breath
I hate you for doing that, all I asked for is the truth
nothing more
I hate you for thinking you could take a choice
between me and her
Just thinking about that, made me knew that you
not sure about anything
That’s when you finally decide to say it
I’m thinking of broke up with her (he didn’t say
that he has a girlfriend he said that it some girl that
he talk to, I knew that he probably has feelings for
her)
That why I took I step back the moment he send to
me that
For a moment I think I got weak but No, because
here I am writing about that night after maybe 5
month I am not sure but I am in my memory see
the way I handle this and I am really proud of
myself like I think that for a moment I got weak but
I didn’t I took a really heavy breath and handle this
whole thing with a wise mind cold heart or let’s say

161
 I didn’t use my heart this time because my mind
and heart agree on this there was peace because
they knew the right choice is leaving him
And that moment I thank GOD for the choice I
made the night we meet the night I gave him the
book, the taking step back even when I want to take
step closer to him letting him know that I am okay
with that.
- He is thinking of leaving her, I am not that kind
of person I won’t be the reason of two people
broken up because of me I won’t be the third
wheel, I won’t be someone second choice,
without thinking I said to him that and told him
if you really want her you won’t feel this way
about this whole situation (I told him that
because I feel bad for her, I hope everything
change and they both happy) and we wished to
each other a happy life lol.
- After a I don’t know when, I decide to talk to
him and ask for my book and that what
happened but I didn’t expected him to write me
something
On the last page of the book that when I told
myself thank you for not letting me reject that I
wrote a book about us (maybe we deserve it)
- HIM

162
- Here I am reading this book for the last time
before returning it
(I planned on keeping it for my whole life but
there we go)
- Haya you are such an amazing person that I
know time won’t give me a replacement for (‫خشص‬
‫ ) ال مثيل هل‬, I wish you nothing but success and
happiness, may GOD grant you everything you
wish for Hayosh.
You should know even if we weren’t meant to
be together (‫) ان عوض هللا مجيل‬
And I am stilling my worlds until I die that “ ‫حبرج‬
‫ ”ادلنيا عشانك‬, you were something special to me and
you will always be Haya .

‫اسال هللا رب العاملني ان هيدييك اىل رساط املستقمي وان يزيل مهك وينري دربك كوين‬
‫عىل ثقه ان هللا ايخذ منا الاشياء اليت حنهبا ليك يعطينا اعظم مهنا‬
‫اصرب ان هللا مع الصابرين‬
‫وما لنا الا ان نتولك عىل هللا وقد هداان‬
‫هللا يوفقك هيا‬

- HIM
- Thank you for every beautiful moment
- Thank you for every time you heard me out

163
 - And thank you for standing there for me in the
hardest moments in my life
Everything written here I write spontaneously
without thinking about the words that come out of
me. I wrote it and did not read what I wrote
because everything comes from my heart and I will
say again that Haya may God grant you , You are
such kind, sweet, respectful, persevering,
ambitious, and your personality is amazing.

So yeah I think he deserve it but ( ‫اي نياهل ايل بكسبك بس واذا اان‬
‫)بدي انت تكسبين؟‬

- Everything in time
You know what?
I have been really happy about this whole sad thing
I know I need to be a little sad but it just I wanted
answers to move on

164
 Even if I didn’t like it
And from that moment everything changed that’s
why it called
Everything in time because everything in time
guys.

- Do you really know her?

A life with me won’t be easy or hard
Past trauma has thought me to guard my soul
Do you know that I sit in my room crying for hours
until my eyes became red until my eyes can’t shed
any tear anymore , I just need someone to comfort
me but I get out like nothing happened
I wash my face and put make up and go out smiling

165
You'll be surprised by my strength when you ask
yourself if this is really the same girl who was
crying just a moment earlier
I stand up for myself
My feelings was easy to hurt
I used to overthink everything
I still make scenarios in my head imagining the
worst, happiest things
But
Is that my sign of time?
- Thanks for this things
This things helped me to move on and has huge
impact on me healing
First I had to accept what happened to me even
when I didn’t know why it happen because I
deserve a better end.
Books
Music
Art
Collage
The sea
My big sister

166
 My room
Me minding just my own business
And the most important thing is to close that door
After what happened I didn’t talked about it that
night I didn’t just closed the book I burn it, it was
the End

They asked me if I believe in love after what

happened
I do it just not for me because I love hard and
no one like me
This generation is fake and I guess I am deep
and want real things
But I won’t change my mind that love is the
most secure feeling. Love is having a companion,
best friend, lover, partner, sounding board,
cheerleader, advisor, and cuddle buddy through
every avenue in the journey of life
That’s why I read books because love is real
there
.And it’s very rare in real life

167
- What is love? For me
Love is About Give-and-Take
Love is Respect
Love is Commitment
Love is Vulnerability
Love is “Growing Together”
Love is Knowing Your S.O.’s Love Language
Love is Equality
Love is accepting their Flaws
Love is Patience
Love is Security
Love is Indescribable

- I am Healthy
It doesn't matter how quickly you're moving.
The only thing that matters is how well you're

168
 doing in terms of achieving your goals and
improving yourself.
- I must take care of my body because it is the
sole place where I will spend the rest of my life.
- I woke up early, the first thing I do is washing
my face and now I do skincare I used to hate it
but now it’s a part of me because I feel the
change in my skin ,I brush my teeth at morning
and nights to keep smiling
- I try to eat healthy also I try to be at gym
because its help my mental health a lot
- I do what I have to do in order to success in
university
- I read books a lot and sometime I cancel going
out to read or go out to read
- I don’t mind going out alone
- I am learning how to play guitar
- I dyed my hair and it very pretty on me
- I smile a lot lightly and I mean it
- I talk to myself to make sure I am not just fine
that I am good
- I don’t hate meeting new people it just not
everyone deserve my time
- I don’t keep myself busy because I don’t want
to think about the past I have become a busy
woman with goals in life I want to reach every
path I want to see myself succeed in life

169
- I stopped overthinking I reached a level where I
can control my mind If I overthink I can stop it
they will call me crazy but believe me I can
- Kind is something important but remember to
put yourself first
- I love the old Haya I am really thank for her
because she is the reason I am here right now
I love how the new Haya still the old Haya
but she is stronger and no one could break
her because she is Haya.

I don’t care if the world could see me because

I don’t think they will understand.

- I decided to let it all go because I

have to enjoy every moment before it
turns to memory
We had a truth-or-dare game going on.
I picked truth and they asked me, if you could
go back in time to one day in your life and
relive one single moment what would it be?
I exhaled deeply and said, "Oh God, let me
return to the day I gave him the book."

170
 My stomach and every other part of my body
were filled with joy when I woke up that day, so
I started cleaning the house to pass the time and
couldn't eat anything but coffee all day.
I put music on while getting ready for a friend's
wedding, but in fact, I was getting ready to meet
him, which is why I had a big smile on my face
and my entire body was grinning. I took a long
hot shower and came out while singing I Love
You Baby by Frank and "It's Too Good to Be
True". Then I started straightening my hair and
then I did my makeup by putting an sharp
eyeliner and for the first time I did it with one
try, I smiled because I think the universe with
me right now a mascara made my eyelashes
more prominent, red lipstick and a highlighter
of course and I took the dress out of the closet I
put it on with black high heels perfume all over
my body and mostly my hands
I wore my necklace earrings
I grabbed a few shots before getting in the car
and double-checked that the book was with me
since I realized that everything would come out
in a few hours even though I was prepared.
I arrived an hour early because I wanted time to
pass fast, but it didn't, and I grew anxious
because, oh my GOD, time was moving slowly.

171
 I was listening to a song on the way that made
me think of being in love, and it felt good.
Everyone else was having a good time, and I
was lost in my own thoughts while waiting for
ten o'clock, when he texted me, "Where are
you?" Five minutes and I'll be there, so I stood
up right away, went to the bathroom, and fixed
my lipstick even though I hadn't eaten
anything. Then I went outside and waited for
you in the car. When I decided to wait outside
because I was so nervous when I saw your car, I
didn't know what to do, so I stood up like ice
waiting to melt.
Your car's headlights come to me. When I
thought it was too dark for him to see, I began
reminding myself, "Shit, shit, he's going to see
me in short dresses." When he said hello and
asked how I was doing, he had a look on his
face that I will never forget. And you guys are
aware of what transpired after seeing the "big
day"
And you guys know what happened when you
saw the “big day “
Just this night and how everything goes was
until I felt someone hand on me
That was my friend she says Haya are you
okay?

172
 You been out of sight for five minutes you were
here but not here, what were you thinking that
your mind run to other place, that when I stated
to realize that my mind was thinking of that
night

- People who read have such high

standers
The standers:
Beach date
Late night date
Cinema date
Go to a museum together
Cooking together
Reading together
Watch the stars together
Play together
Share music
Watch sunset together
Drawing together

173
 Dance together – under the rain
Late night drive with music

My advice is

Wake up early
Make a cup of dark coffee
Sit outside let the wind play with you
With your mind
Read a book
Create art
Listen to music
Seek an adventure
Let your soul young
Let be wild and free
Just make it simple.

A letter wasn’t delivered

I believe I should return the old book with the
new one after writing this letter on the last page
of the last one but I told myself I don't care why
should I do that? But I'm going to write the
letter right here. It was probably during

174
 Ramadan in 2020 the first time I met you. You
used to visit the coffee shop where I work, on
that day, you were driving a gray or black
Mazda 3 I can’t remember ,I laughed that day
because you saw me breaking my fast but you
too cause you ordered a cup of coffee I don't
know who you were back then I just knew your
name and to be honest I used to have a crush on
you but that was just a teenager's feeling, I don't
even know how we started talking, but what do
I remember that you kept saying something and
disappearing after every message for 3 months
Until one time you replied to my story it was a
TikTok video, you told and I quote “The hottest
on the app”, and we started talking and I was
really confused that you didn’t disappear yet.
I am writing to you with the very last bit of
affection I have for you after my trip to
Romania, I had a strong feeling that you are
dating someone. However, this was only a
hypothesis at the time, and over time I have
seen changes in how you treat me and how you
start to attempt to finish conversations fast.
How come you haven't replied to my message
in three days? I had a knot in my throat since
you never treated me this way and all I could
think about is to blame you for one very simple
thing. You were aware of my feelings for you.

175
 Everything was evident even if I remained
silent. But I was watching for you to move first.
When you in love it’s hard to hide the truth
And I honestly felt this sentence when you burned
your hand while you were at work, and despite how
busy I was that day because I decided to travel in
the last ninety minutes, my worry about you let me
leave everything and brought you something to put
it on your hand I was about to touch your hand and
see how you burned it but I was scared that maybe
you will see how much I was worried about you
worried that you could see in my eyes that this
worries of a lover, not a friend
The old book was a turning point for you
The new book is a turning point for me
I can’t believe that I was over you but why not?
- It’s okay that’s love
The man spoke to me with a soft assurance that
highlighted his comprehension and acceptance.
He expressed genuine empathy and a wish to
console me through a warm smile and
sympathetic eyes.
He said, "Hey," in a calm and soothing voice. I
just wanted to have a little conversation with
you. I want you to know that it's okay even

176
 though I can tell that love has been weighing
heavily on your heart. The road of love may be
both lovely and challenging.
He took a step closer, creating a sense of
closeness and connection. His words were
sincere and aimed at alleviating any doubts or
fears I might have about love.
"Love can sometimes offer delight that knows
no bounds, bringing warmth and joy into our
lives. It can establish strong bonds that enable
us to comprehend and value one another on a
deeper level. But falling in love can be difficult.
It may occasionally result in heartbreak or
disappointment, as well as vulnerability.
"Remember that each of us has a different and
individual experience with love. There is no one
method that applies to all cases of love. Finding
someone who respects your sentiments and
accepts you for who you are is what matters
most. It involves establishing a connection built
on communication, understanding, and trust.
So please be aware that loving and being loved
are both acceptable. Accepting your
vulnerability when you open your heart is okay.
It's also acceptable to take your time and absorb
the positive and negative aspects of love. You
deserve love, and I'm confident you'll

177
eventually meet someone who will give you the
fulfillment and happiness you desire.

He gave me a reassuring smile as he concluded,

letting me know that he was there for me and
that he would always be willing to listen to me
and provide advice.

But here I am reading this book for the last time

and I was afraid of it.
Afraid of the big day if I read it will I cry?
Will I remember you?
Will I still feel anything?
And the answer for this three question is yes
The first thing is I remember the most important
night in my life and I cried because of it I cried
because I remembered of how much I want it to
work that’s why I worked hard, I loved you
with every part of me and the way I felt after
reading the book made me realize that I didn’t
know that this book made me learn to live
without you, sometime I look back and get
shocked because did I really forget about you?

178
 Yes I did because sometime I want to remember
you and there is nothing to remember. This
story is something real and more than that it’s
the reality I lived in.
It made me realize that I got over you and I was
really okay with what happened and

It’s okay if we weren’t

meant to be because
EVERYTHING IN TIME

The End.

179
180