HEALTHY

RELATIONSHIPS
TOOLKIT

Registered Charity
Number 1186059
 Introduction
Youth Connect South West is an independent non-profit charity supporting
young people in Bath and North East Somerset and beyond. We provide both
universal and targeted opportunities for young people aged 11- 25. We
operate from various localities and have our own youth hub- Southside in
Bath. We offer a range of support including youth work, 1-1 support and
careers advice and guidance. We do this by:

 Keeping young people safe – working in the best interests of young people
and putting them at the centre of everything we do
 Collaboration – working with families, communities and other stakeholders to
make things better for young people.
 Meeting expectations – going “the extra mile” to support young people
 Inclusion - being there for those who need us
 Determination and creativity – modelling the importance of trying new things,
continually learning and never giving up.

About the author

Steff Reynolds is an Engagement worker and current staff trustee. Her
background is in community work (for both statutory and voluntary
organisations) for over 25 years. She is a qualified youth worker and has had
the great pleasure of supporting 100's of young people in BANES over the
past 11 years. Her job is often a challenge, very rewarding and never boring.

About this resource

This workbook has been developed from a range of resources used and
adapted over several years in consultation with young people. The workbooks
are designed to lead the young person through the topic to gain knowledge,
develop skills and the confidence to feel good about themselves and respect
others. You can complete all the workbook or use sections. It is designed for
individual support and completed through weekly sessions. All you need is
the workbook, pens and felt tips and a safe space to meet up.
Practitioners should be aware that this resource may raise the need for
support and advice from other specialist agencies and will help to provide
useful referral information.

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 Relationship circle
Write down the people who are in your life. You may not be close
to some people, but you still have a connection.

Inner circle is you

Middle circle is your closet relationships eg bestie’s, family
Outer circle – relationships with others eg teachers

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List the people in your life who make you feel good
about yourself (past or present):

What did they do? How did they treat you?

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 How do you want to be treated?
Circle the 2 most and least important words

Have a laugh Treated honestly

Impressed
trusted

worshipped
challenged

loved
respected
Prevent loneliness

Committed to
Treated equally
controlled
spoiled

fairly disregarded

Cheated on
ignored supported
encouraged
Learn Listened to
new things
needed

Have fun

Other: Other:

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 Write in the boxes healthy friendship Vs unhealthy qualities

Equality: Inequality:

Respect: Criticises:

Trust: Distrust:

Brings out the best in you: Brings out the worst in you:

Understands your other Jealous of other close to you:

relationships:

Mutual feelings: Unrequited love:

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Equality: Inequality:

Both put in time and effort to the One person takes advantage of the
relationship others kindness

Respect: Criticises:

Acknowledge and support who Constant negativity and criticism is

each other are emotionally harmful even if it
comes off as humorous or
sarcastic

Trust: Distrust:

Be able to confide and know your Being fearful to tell your secrets
secrets and deep feelings are safe and thoughts because they might
share them with others

Brings out the best in you: Brings out the worst in you:

A friend supports your ideas of A friend does not support your

positive change and helps you to changing and encourages you to
grow fall back into bad habits

Understands your other Jealous of other close to you:

relationships:
A friend being mean to other close
A friend recognises and respects to you or making you choose sides
that you have other people in your
life just as important as them

Mutual feelings: Unrequited love:

You feel the same way about each A friend has a crush on you or is a
other past relationship.

How did your answers compare? The above are suggestions.

Congratulations – you are understanding the difference between
healthy and unhealthy behaviours.

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If you are struggling with a relationship it can be useful to take time
to think about what’s happening. Think about one friend/
relationship and write down the pros and cons to make your own
mind up

Pro’s Con’s

Problem solving

1. Identify The Problem:

What is the current situation and how do you want it to turn out?
Try to approach the problem with a positive attitude.

2. Focus:
Focus on the issue, not people or emotion. This will help reduce
anxiety and frustration.

3. Listen:
Listening is very critical to problem-solving skills. Listen without
arguing or debating. Use statements like ‘I need, I want, I feel’.

4. Generate A Solution:
Think about all the possible ways to solve the problem at hand.
Reflect on your previous experiences. You may come up with a
variety of solutions. Some might be unrealistic. But explore and be
creative, there’s not only one way to solve things

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5. Evaluate The Solution:
Evaluate the pros and cons of each of the possible solutions. Get
rid of options where the negatives outweigh the positives. This will
help you sort out the most promising solution.

6. Put The Idea Into Practice:

Implement the idea that can resolve the crisis. Give it your best
shot and see how it works out.

7. Evaluate The Outcome:

How did it go? Sorted out or partly sorted? The solution may take
time to work. Also, at times you cannot solve problems in one
attempt. Don’t give up - try all the possible solutions and prepare
backup plans.

Benefits:

 Problem-solving skills will teach you to find constructive

solutions to problems.
 It will strengthen your empathy skills. These abilities are
valuable in both social and work situations.
 It will help you learn about the positive implications of
another person’s intentions.
 Problem-solving skills will teach you to listen and think calmly
and to respect the opinions of other people.
 When you practice skills to resolve conflicts, you will feel
more independent, mature and responsible.
 You can face the bigger challenges that life throws at you
confidently.

Being a good friend

Dilemma 1:
Your friend tells you that she thinks she is pregnant. She has
asked you not to tell anyone and she is scared of getting in trouble.
What is the actual problem?

Who really needs to know?

Who could help your friend?

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Why wouldn’t you tell anyone?

What could happen if you don’t do anything?

Dilemma 2:
Your friend keeps making snide comments to you. No one else
seems to notice. You feel angry, uncomfortable and its starting to
affect your confidence.
What is the actual problem?

Who really needs to know?

Why wouldn’t you tell anyone?

What could happen if you don’t say anything?

Dilemma 3:
Lately your friend has become very quiet. They start to say
something then stop. They have started to criticise a relative.
They are angry and unhappy. They hint that ‘something bad’ has
happened but tell you that you can’t tell anyone.
What is the actual problem?

Who really needs to know?

Why wouldn’t you tell anyone?

What could happen if you don’t tell anyone?

Getting the right support

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Who could you talk to about a problem?

At Home-

At School-

A Friend-

A Trusted adult-

A Helpline-

Does anything stop you?

We can often feel differently about a problem or fear once we

have talked about them.

Being your own person

Being your own person is often called assertiveness. This is when

we stand up for our own rights without taking the rights away from
others.

This doesn’t mean being pushy, it means valuing yourself,

understanding your right to make decisions, having your own ideas
and asking for what you want. We do this by taking responsibility
for our own emotions and reactions.

When someone says or does something that upsets us we can say

how we feel using sentences like:

I understand
I feel
I want/need
Is that ok?

Example:

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I understand what you are saying. I feel upset because I don’t feel
I am being heard. When I feel like this I get frustrated. I need to
be able to explain what happened. Is that ok?

Practising being more assertive is a great life skill. Also choosing

the right time to approach the situation- in a full class or after the
lesson?

There are loads of great resources you can use online or learn by
watching others.

Toxic friends and peer pressure

What is your definition of peer pressure?

Is peer pressure always negative?

Use the box below to list the qualities of a good friend and a toxic
one
Good friend Toxic friend

If a friendship doesn’t work out remember some friends are there

for a long time. Some only for a little while. That’s ok. We learn
something from every relationship we have.

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 Relationships

Do you think males and females have different types of

relationships?

Do you think relationships change as you get older?

Perfect girlfriend when younger Perfect boyfriend when younger

Perfect girlfriend when older Perfect boyfriend when older

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 List the qualities you want in a partner

Look:

Behaves:

Characteristics:

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Recognising when things don’t feel quite right….

Scenario 1:
Dear Doris
I’m getting really confused about my boyfriend’s behaviour. When we are
together, he is really nice, he pays me compliments and tells me how much
he cares about me but when we are with friends, he makes jokes about what I
say and what I wear. I feel really upset when he does this. I’ve tried talking to
him about how I feel but he just laughs and tells me I’m imaging it. Am I just
over reacting?
Gemma from Southdown

Do you think this a good or bad relationship?

What would you do if you were them?

Scenario 2:
Dear Doris
I have been going out with Tyler for 8 months. We recently moved in
together. When we first lived together, I was so happy, but things have
changed and I’m not sure if he’s who I thought he was. On Fridays he always
asks his friends round to watch films. I don’t really mind. When his friends
are round Tyler expects me to wait on them hand and foot and gets really
irritated if I don’t. I feel that they can help themselves. Last Friday I said this
to Tyler, and he went mad. He shouted at me in front of everyone and
dragged me into the kitchen. He said if I didn’t like it, I can leave and he won’t
have me embarrassing his friends in his home. I don’t have anywhere else to
go and this is my home.
Ellie from Norton

Do you think this is a good or bad relationship?

What would you do if you were them?

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Scenario 3:
Dear Doris
I’ve been going out with my partner for several months. We argue a lot. I feel
really angry and frustrated and that things will never get better. I talked to my
friend Kelly about it last week and my partner found out and she said I was
cheating on her and it just made things worse- so I told her I wanted to take a
break for a week. She said if I just stop talking and flirting with Kelly then
everything would be ok and we’d be happy again. I’ve told her so many times
that Kelly is just a friend and that if we not arguing about this we are arguing
about something else. I don’t seem to be able to do anything that makes her
happy. In the past few days my partner has rung asking if we can get back
together, she has left messages on my phone saying that she loves and
needs me. She said she will hurt herself if we break up for good. I feel so
trapped.
Chris from Chewton mendip

Do you think this is a good or bad relationship?

What would you do if you were them?

Relationship Continuum

Take each item (1-10) and place them on the where you believe they fit
(healthy, unhealthy, abusive)
1. Checking your partners phone
2. Continually checking where your partner is
3. Encouraging your partner to join a new activity
4. Calling your partner names in front of their or your friends
5. Telling your partner you are upset with them and why
6. Pressuring your partner to send you inappropriate photos
7. Making decisions together
8. Making you feel guilty when you spend time with friends
9. Pressurising your partner to do something they don’t want to do
10. Getting jealous when your partner is more successful than you

Healthy unhealthy abusive

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 Ending a relationship

Deciding to end a relationship is not easy for either partner. There is no pain
free way to end it: - The ‘dumpee’ will understandably feel upset, ill-treated,
low in confidence. The ‘dumper’ will feel guilty, relieved, uncomfortable. This
is often because others have invested in that relationship too. You may find
yourself having to justify why the relationship ended. You can’t make
someone love you and you can’t force yourself to love someone else.

Dilemma:
Dear Doris
I have been going out with my partner for 6 weeks (months/ years). When we
first started seeing each other it felt exciting and that we were really close but
just lately I feel trapped and claustrophobic. Its not like anything has really
changed but there are things that I want to do that my partner feels are a
waste of time. I don’t want to keep doing the same things we always do. I
don’t want to argue about why I want to do it. I don’t feel like we have to do
everything together. I feel like they are getting more serious and I just want to
escape. When they talk about the future, I’m pretty vague in my response
hoping they will take the hint but its not working. I don’t want to hurt them but
I can’t carry on like this; just drifting along.
Trapped from Timsbury

What advice would you give?

We focus a lot on how to keep relationships going; communication, trust and

effort but not much about ending relationships. The main thing is to treat the
end like a beginning; communication, trust and effort.
 Be 100% you want it to end. This will give you confidence.
 Be respectful- Think about how you would want to be treated if it was
the other way round. Would you be happy with a message/text or told
by someone else?
 Be honest. Don’t say ‘its not you its me’. It’s a cop out. Have the
courage and respect to be completely honest with them about what you
are feeling and why you want the relationship to end.
 Let them share their perspective and feelings. Understand where they
are coming from but don’t change your decision.
 Establish boundaries. This is important if you go to the same club or
share the same friends. It is useful to have a break in any
communication for a while and this needs to be agreed; No phone,
messaging or contact for X amount of weeks. Give yourselves time to
adjust from being a couple.

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 If the relationship is abusive

Why don’t they just leave!

Use the image below to make a mind map of why people stay in relationships

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If you are in an abusive relationship, you will know that it’s not that
simple. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. It’s even harder
when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends. Types of abuse
include physical, emotional, financial and sexual.

One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you
may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame
yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve
stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-
blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being abused, remember:

 You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.

 You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behaviour.

 You deserve to be treated with respect.

 You deserve a safe and happy life.

 You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

It’s time to get out when you recognise its time to stop pretending
everything is ok.

 If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. It may seem cruel to
break up over the phone or by email but it may be the safest way.
 If you break up in person, do it in a public place. Have friends or your
parents wait nearby. Try to take a mobile phone with you.
 Don’t try to explain your reasons for ending the relationship more than
once. There is nothing you can say that will make your ex happy.
 Let your friends and parents know you are ending your relationship,
especially if you think your ex will come to your house or confront you
when you’re alone.
 If your ex does come to your house when you’re alone, don’t go to the
door.
 Trust yourself. If you feel afraid, you probably have a good reason.
 Get support from the police, domestic abuse advisor, teacher, your GP
or another professional you trust.
 Use the support around you.

Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline:

0808 2000 247

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Taking back control
Whatever you are trying to change or improve in your life it’s important to
remember that you can do it. Recognise your strengths and weaknesses.
Understand when you do something well or overreact. We all do it.

By working through this programme, I hope that you have found some ideas
to help you. Now’s the time to try them out on your own. Remember to be
proud of yourself when things go well and to learn from the things that don’t.

A good way to remember strategies and techniques is to visualise a bucket: it

is filling up and you must turn the taps on to stop it overflowing. You’ve got
this. Each strategy will open a tap. Eg deep even breathing.

Write your own ideas by the taps….

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