How To Work For A Narcissistic Boss

Managing Up
How
Boss to Work for a Narcissistic
by Rebecca Knight
April 01, 2016
Research shows there are a large number of narcissists who

become leaders. If you’re unlucky enough to have one of these
people as a manager, it may be no consolation that you’re in good
company. So how do you stay sane? What’s the best way to reduce
the impact of your boss’s self-centered behavior?
What the Experts Say

It’s easy to be fooled by a narcissist—at least at first, says Tomas
Chamorro-Premuzic, the CEO of Hogan Assessment Systems, a
professor of business psychology at University College London,
and a faculty member at Columbia University. “A narcissist comes
across as charming, charismatic, and confident,” he says. “He
seems like the kind of person you want to work for—it’s only later
that you see the dark side.” And the dark side isn’t pretty, says
Michael Maccoby, president of The Maccoby Group and author,
most recently, of Strategic Intelligence: Conceptual Tools for
Leading Change. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of
entitlement and require constant admiration. They are quick to
claim credit for others’ achievements and blame colleagues for
their own failures. They care only about their own success, and
they’re willing to take advantage of others to get what they need.
In short, they’re incredibly difficult to work for. If you’re stuck
with one of these bosses, here are some strategies that might help.
Know what you’re dealing with

Don’t just label your egotistical boss a “narcissist.” “There’s a
difference between someone who’s an egomaniac and puffed up
with self-importance and someone who has a narcissistic
personality,” says Maccoby. When you’re dealing with the latter,
it’s helpful to get a handle on what makes him tick. Read up on
this personality type. After all, says Maccoby, “the more you
understand people, the better your relationships will be.”
Narcissists, he says, have a “strong ego ideal—a vision of who they
think they should be. They are controlled by the shame of not
living up to this ideal.” Productive narcissists are often creative
strategists who see the “big picture” and find meaning in the risky
challenge of changing the world and leaving behind a legacy, he
says. It will serve you in the long run to make an effort to
“understand who your boss wants to be” and take steps to “help
him live up to that ideal,” he says.
Tend to your self-esteem

One of the most important things you can do in this situation is
take care of yourself. After all, working for a narcissist can be a
demeaning and stressful experience. You’re in the mode “of self-
survival,” says Chamorro-Premuzic. To cope, you need to find
outlets outside your job that bring you pleasure and give you a
sense of self-worth. “You can’t put all your marbles into this
relationship,” says Maccoby. “It’s too damaging to your self-
esteem.” Join a musical group; take up distance running; or start
working on a book. “You need a basis for [deriving personal value]
that’s independent” of your job, he says. “That’s generally true in
life,” but it is especially important when your boss is a narcissist.
Stroke their ego

At the same time, you need to figure out how to work effectively.
When dealing with a narcissist, flattery will get you everywhere.
“They want people to love them, and they will believe any
compliment you offer,” says Chamorro-Premuzic. Which is why,
he says, pretending to admire your narcissistic boss “and sucking
up will generally be effective,” he says. “Compliment your boss
subtly and do it when you two are alone,” so as not to alienate
other colleagues. If complimenting your narcissistic boss or
praising him to others feels overly obsequious, don’t do it. “But at
least be neutral and diplomatic,” he says. Another way to gain
your manager’s favor is to make him look good in front of his boss.
“Put in a good word for him and enable him to take some of the
credit for your work,” he says. Become your manager’s advocate
and his supporter. It might feel disingenuous to play politics in
this way but, says Chamorro-Premuzic, try to remember that your
goal here is a “selfish one: to advance your career. It’s difficult, but
it’s ultimately to your benefit.”
Emulate certain characteristics

You may not learn how to be a good boss from your self-obsessed
manager, but “many productive narcissists can teach you a lot,”
says Maccoby. Watch and learn. Distinguish between his bad
behaviors and more admirable skills. “Observe how your boss
makes impressions on others. Pay attention to his charisma and
how he is eloquent under pressure,” says Chamorro-Premuzic. “In
addition, narcissists are often good communicators and tend to be
quite visionary,” he says. “They have an ability to inspire others,
and this skill can be emulated.”
Challenge carefully
“The worst thing you can do to a narcissistic individual is to
criticize, challenge, or undermine him,” says Chamorro-Premuzic.
“If you do, he will react in an aggressive and combative way. And
he will seek revenge.” If you need to make a particular business
case, Maccoby suggests framing your argument around what is
good for your manager’s image and career. “Your boss doesn’t
care what is good for the company,” he says. However, if you’re
able to demonstrate that a certain strategy portends a disaster (or
a victory) for your boss, you’re much more likely to win him over.
“Narcissists are constantly trying to figure out, what does this
mean for me?”
Don’t gossip
Indulging in workplace gossip is rarely a wise move. When your
boss is a narcissist, it can be dangerous. “Be very careful,” says
Maccoby. “These people tend to be paranoid and see enemies
everywhere.” Anything you say will likely get back to your boss,
says Chamorro-Premuzic. “Narcissists are constantly trying to
collect information about what other people think of them.” If you
need to vent, talk to your therapist, spouse, or a friend—provided
they don’t work at your company or in your industry. Be as
“neutral as possible” when your boss’s name comes up in
conversation and “never put anything in email,” he says.
Weigh the pros and cons of staying

Even if you successfully employ the above tactics, chances are
that working for a narcissist will take a toll on your satisfaction at
work. Carefully consider whether you want to continue working
for this person. Of course, quitting your job or getting a new boss
isn’t always possible—or the answer. “It’s a personal decision, and
some people are more tolerant than others,” says Chamorro-
Premuzic. If you’re otherwise engaged in your job, find the work
stimulating, and see the possibility of advancement within two or
three years, it might be worth “the sacrifice” to stay, he adds. But
if you find you’re working for a “narcissist with a destructive
philosophy of domination and control,” Maccoby has one piece of
advice, “Get out!”
Principles to Remember
Do:
Get a handle on narcissistic personality disorder and deepen

your understanding of what makes your boss tick.
Watch and learn—certain things at least. Observe how your
boss makes impressions on others, and try to emulate his
ability to inspire.
Carefully weigh the pros and cons of staying. If you’re otherwise
engaged and challenged by your job, it might be worth it to stay.
Don’t:
Neglect your emotional wellbeing. Find an outlet outside your

job that gives you a sense of self-worth.
Challenge your boss. If you need to make a business case, frame
your argument around what’s good for your manager’s career,
rather than what’s good for the organization.
Gossip—whatever you say will likely get back to your boss.
Case Study #1: Find an outlet to manage your stress

Karlyn Borysenko says that one of the hardest parts of working for
a narcissist was coming to grips with the fact that her boss was not
the person she thought she was.
“When I [interviewed], she seemed like exactly the type of boss I

had been looking for: confident, capable, and driven to succeed. I
thought she would be a mentor that I could really learn from,” she
says. “She convinced me to take a 25% pay cut to work for her, and
I couldn’t have been more thrilled to do it.”
Only a few months in to her job as a communications director for

a media organization, Karlyn recognized that her boss had the
traits of a narcissist. “Nothing was ever good enough, and God
forbid if I ever did something right, she would always claim
credit,” she says.
Karlyn did her best to keep her head down. “Every day, I would
tell myself that it wasn’t about me, it was about her,” she says. “I
had a mantra on a sticky note at my desk as a constant reminder
that read ‘Act with integrity. Have compassion and empathy, even
when others don’t.’ Whenever things got bad, I would just go to
my desk, breathe, and repeat it.”
To help manage the stress, Karlyn saw an acupuncturist and also
took up weight lifting. “Lifting was great because it was such an
empowering thing to do each morning before I went into work to
really feel like I had control over myself, if nothing else,” she says.
She also started making exit plans. “There was a light at the end of
the tunnel,” she says. “If I hadn’t known [the job] was temporary, I
probably would have fallen into a sea of depression.”
After she left her job, she started Zen Workplace, a coaching and
consulting firm in New Hampshire. She says the experience
reporting to a narcissist helps her identify with clients who work
in toxic environments.
“I consider myself lucky now because not only do I get to work

with people in those situations and help them move on, I also get
to work with leaders who understand that culture is important
and that when their employees are happy, the organization sees
returns in its bottom line,” she says. “It’s one of the most fulfilling
things I can imagine doing.”
Case Study #2: Stay on your boss’s good side—but know when
enough is enough
Jesse Harrison says he’s dealt with a lot of narcissistic bosses over
the course of his career, but one in particular—we’ll call him Sam
—stands out. “Sam was a radiologist who had started his own
business after his medical training,” says Jesse. “I admired him
for that.”
But as Jesse got settled into his job, he realized Sam was a
narcissist and quickly adopted strategies to deal with him.
Because of Sam’s volatile and paranoid personality, Jesse knew he
needed to stay on Sam’s good side. He discovered that
complimenting Sam accomplished this goal. “I tried to make him
feel good about himself,” he says. “Being an narcissist, Sam
believed the world revolved around him. So my goal was to make
him happy and make every conversation about him.”
Jesse says he’d look for opportunities to compliment Sam based
on “skills he was excessively proud of.” For example, Sam used to
boast about his superior reasoning abilities and his technical
competence. “So every time I was presented with the opportunity,
I would show my appreciation for his logic and his [facility] with
computers. It fed his ego.”
The compliments were highly effective, but working for Sam grew
increasingly tiresome. Jesse says he ate “lots and lots of junk
food” and went on long runs to manage the stress. Ultimately,
though, Jesse lasted only six months at the company.
“Every experience in life—even negative ones—makes you grow,”

says Jesse, who recently founded Los Angeles-based Zeus Legal
Funding, a startup that helps plaintiffs pay their legal bills. “Most
important, I learned to associate myself with positive people
more.”
RK
Rebecca Knight is currently a senior
correspondent at Insider covering careers and
the workplace. Previously she was a freelance
journalist and a lecturer at Wesleyan
University. Her work has been published in The
New York Times, USA Today, and The Financial
Times.
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Managing Up

Research shows there are a large number of narcissists who

What the Experts Say

Know what you’re dealing with

Tend to your self-esteem

Stroke their ego

Emulate certain characteristics

Weigh the pros and cons of staying

Get a handle on narcissistic personality disorder and deepen

Neglect your emotional wellbeing. Find an outlet outside your

Case Study #1: Find an outlet to manage your stress

“When I [interviewed], she seemed like exactly the type of boss I

Only a few months in to her job as a communications director for

“I consider myself lucky now because not only do I get to work

“Every experience in life—even negative ones—makes you grow,”

Why Some Bosses Bully Their Best Employees

Why We Love Narcissists

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