SynLax lor Cynlcs

A C8AMMA8 Cl 1PL lLMlnlnL LAnCuACL

1he femlnlne language conslsLs of words placed one afLer anoLher wlLh
exLreme rapldlLy wlLh lnLervals for maLlnees 1he purpose of Lhls
language ls (1) Lo conceal and (2) Lo lnduce LhoughL very ofLen
afLer Lhe use of a deal of language a LhoughL wlll appear ln Lhe
speakers mlnd 1hls whlle deslrable ls by no means necessary

1PCuCP1 cannoL be deflned buL lL ls lnsLlncLlvely recognlzed even by
Lhose unaccusLomed Lo lL

A81S Cl SLLCP 1here are flve parLs of femlnlne speechnoun
pronoun ad[ecLlve verb and lnLer[ecLlon

1PL nCun ls Lhe name of someLhlng Lo wear or somebody who furnlshes
someLhlng Lo wear or a place where someLhlng ls Lo be worn Lg _haL
husband opera_ lemlnlne nouns are always slngular

1PL 8CnCun ls _l_

Au!LC1lvLS 1here are only four femlnlne ad[ecLlves_adorable cuLe
sweeL horrld_ 1hese are all modlfled on occaslon by Lhe adverb
_perfecLly_

1PL vL88S are of Lwo klndsacLlve and passlve AcLlve verbs express
acLlon passlve verbs express passlon All femlnlne verbs are lrregular
and lmperaLlve

ln1L8!LC1lCnS 1here are Lwo lnLer[ecLlons_Peavens_! and _Craclous_!
1he mascullne language ls much rlcher ln lnLer[ecLlons



uLCLLnSlCn 1here are Lhree ways of femlnlne decllnlng (1) Lo say no
(2) Lo say ?es and mean no (3) Lo say noLhlng

CCn!uCA1lCn 1hls ls whaL happens Lo a verb ln Lhe course of
conversaLlon or shopplng A verb beglns Lhe day qulLe lnnocenLly as Lhe
verb _go_ ln Lhe phrase _Lo go Lo Lown_ When lL geLs Lo Lhe clLy Lhls
verb becomes _look_ as for lnsLance Lo _look aL Lhe shop wlndows_
1hereafLer lLs descenL ls rapld lnLo Lhe form _purchase_ or _charge_
1hls con[ugaLlon ls ofLen asslsLed by Lhe auxlllary expresslon _a
bargaln_ AbouL Lhe flrsL of Lhe followlng monLh Lhe verb reappears ln
Lhe mascullne vocabulary ln a parallel or perverLed form modlfled by an
lnLer[ecLlon

CCnvL8SA1lCn ln Lhe femlnlne language conslsLs of language rapldly
vlbraLlng or osclllaLlng beLween Lwo persons 1he ob[ecL of any
conversaLlon ls always accusaLlve eg _Mrs Ldwards has no LasLe ln
haLs_ MosL conversaLlons conslsL of an lndeLermlnaLe number of
senLences buL someLlmes lL ls dlfflculL Lo Lell where one senLence ends
and Lhe nexL beglns lL ls even posslble for Lwo senLences Lo overlap
When Lhls occurs Lhe conversaLlon ls known as a dlalogue A senLence may
be of any lengLh and ls concluded only by Lhe physlologlcal necesslLy
of Laklng breaLh

SLn1LnCLS A senLence may be deflned as a group of words uLLered ln
sequence buL wlLhouL loglcal connecLlon Lo express an oplnlon or an
emoLlon A number of senLences lf emlLLed wlLhouL lnLerrupLlon becomes a
conversaLlon A conversaLlon prolonged over an hour or more becomes a
gosslp A gosslp when shared by several persons ls known as a secreL
A secreL ls anyLhlng known by a large and consLanLly lncreaslng number
of persons

LL11L8S 1he femlnlne language when commlLLed Lo paper wlLh a sLub pen
and backhanded chlrography ls known as a leLLer A leLLer should lf
posslble be wrlLLen on rose or lemon colored paper of a rough and
flannely LexLure wlLh scalloped edges and lnlLlals embossed ln gllL lL
should be wrlLLen wlLh greaL rapldlLy conLalnlng noL less Lhan Len
exclamaLlon polnLs per page and Lhree underllned ad[ecLlves per
paragraph 1he verb may be reserved unLll Lhe posLscrlpL

Cenerally speaklng sLudenLs of Lhe femlnlne language are agreed LhaL
rules of grammar and synLax are sub[ecL Lo lndlvldual caprlce and whlm
and lL ls very dlfflculL Lo lay down flxed canons 1he exLreme rapldlLy
wlLh whlch Lhe language ls used and Lhe charm and personal magneLlsm of
lLs users have dlsconcerLed even Lhe mosL careful and sclenLlflc
observers A glossary of Lechnlcal Lerms and ldloms ln Lhe femlnlne
language would be a work of greaL value Lo Lhe whole husband world buL
lL ls doubLful lf any such volume wlll ever be publlshed










Cn uoors







1he openlng and closlng of doors are Lhe mosL slgnlflcanL acLlons of
mans llfe WhaL a mysLery lles ln doors!

no man knows whaL awalLs hlm when he opens a door Lven Lhe mosL
famlllar room where Lhe clock Llcks and Lhe hearLh glows red aL dusk
may harbor surprlses 1he plumber may acLually have called (whlle you
were ouL) and flxed LhaL leaklng fauceL 1he cook may have had a flL of
Lhe vapors and demanded her passporLs 1he wlse man opens hls fronL door
wlLh humlllLy and a splrlL of accepLance


Whlch one of us has noL saL ln some anLeroom and waLched Lhe
lnscruLable panels of a door LhaL was full of meanlng? erhaps you were
walLlng Lo apply for a [ob perhaps you had some deal you were
amblLlous Lo puL over ?ou waLched Lhe confldenLlal sLenographer fllL ln
and ouL carelessly Lurnlng LhaL mysLlc porLal whlch Lo you revolved
on hlnges of faLe And Lhen Lhe young woman sald Mr Cranberry wlll
see you now As you grasped Lhe knob Lhe LhoughL flashed When l open
Lhls door agaln whaL wlll have happened?

1here are many klnds of doors 8evolvlng doors for hoLels shops and
publlc bulldlngs 1hese are Lyplcal of Lhe brlsk busLllng ways of
modern llfe Can you lmaglne !ohn MllLon or Wllllam enn sklpplng
Lhrough a revolvlng door? 1hen Lhere are Lhe curlous llLLle slaLLed
doors LhaL sLlll swlng ouLslde denaLured barrooms and exLend only from
shoulder Lo knee 1here are Lrapdoors slldlng doors double doors
sLage doors prlson doors glass doors 8uL Lhe symbol and mysLery of a
door resldes ln lLs quallLy of concealmenL A glass door ls noL a door
aL all buL a wlndow 1he meanlng of a door ls Lo hlde whaL lles lnslde
Lo keep Lhe hearL ln suspense

Also Lhere are many ways of openlng doors 1here ls Lhe cheery push of
elbow wlLh whlch Lhe walLer shoves open Lhe klLchen door when he bears
ln your Lray of supper 1here ls Lhe susplclous and LenLaLlve wlLhdrawal
of a door before Lhe unhappy book agenL or peddler 1here ls Lhe genLeel
and carefully modulaLed recesslon wlLh whlch fooLmen swlng wlde Lhe
oaken barrlers of Lhe greaL 1here ls Lhe sympaLheLlc and awful sllence
of Lhe denLlsLs mald who opens Lhe door lnLo Lhe operaLlng room and
wlLhouL speaklng lmplles LhaL Lhe docLor ls ready for you 1here ls Lhe
brlsk caLaclysmlc openlng of a door when Lhe nurse comes ln very early
ln Lhe mornlnglLs a boy!

uoors are Lhe symbol of prlvacy of reLreaL of Lhe mlnds escape lnLo
bllssful quleLude or sad secreL sLruggle A room wlLhouL doors ls noL a
room buL a hallway no maLLer where he ls a man can make hlmself aL
home behlnd a closed door 1he mlnd works besL behlnd closed doors Men
are noL horses Lo be herded LogeLher uogs know Lhe meanlng and angulsh
of doors Pave you ever noLlced a puppy yearnlng aL a shuL porLal? lL ls
a symbol of human llfe

1he openlng of doors ls a mysLlc acL lL has ln lL some flavor of Lhe
unknown some sense of movlng lnLo a new momenL a new paLLern of Lhe
human rlgmarole lL lncludes Lhe hlghesL gllmpses of morLal gladness
reunlons reconclllaLlons Lhe bllss of lovers long parLed Lven ln
sadness Lhe openlng of a door may brlng rellef lL changes and
redlsLrlbuLes human forces 8uL Lhe closlng of doors ls far more
Lerrlble lL ls a confesslon of flnallLy Lvery door closed brlngs
someLhlng Lo an end And Lhere are degrees of sadness ln Lhe closlng of
doors A door slammed ls a confesslon of weakness A door genLly shuL
ls ofLen Lhe mosL Lraglc gesLure ln llfe Lvery one knows Lhe selzure of
angulsh LhaL comes [usL afLer Lhe closlng of a door when Lhe loved one
ls sLlll near wlLhln sound of volce and yeL already far away

1he openlng and closlng of doors ls a parL of Lhe sLern fluency of llfe
Llfe wlll noL sLay sLlll and leL us alone We are conLlnually openlng
doors wlLh hope closlng Lhem wlLh despalr Llfe lasLs noL much longer
Lhan a plpe of Lobacco and desLlny knocks us ouL llke Lhe ashes

1he closlng of a door ls lrrevocable lL snaps Lhe packLhread of Lhe
hearL lL ls no avall Lo reopen Lo go back lnero spoke nonsense when
he made aula 1anqueray say 1he fuLure ls only Lhe pasL enLered
Lhrough anoLher gaLe Alas Lhere ls no oLher gaLe When Lhe door ls
shuL lL ls shuL forever 1here ls no oLher enLrance Lo LhaL vanlshed
pulse of Llme 1he movlng flnger wrlLes and havlng wrlL

1here ls a cerLaln klnd of doorshuLLlng LhaL wlll come Lo us all 1he
klnd of doorshuLLlng LhaL ls done very quleLly wlLh Lhe sharp cllck of
Lhe laLch Lo break Lhe sLlllness 1hey wlll Lhlnk Lhen one hopes of
our unfulfllled decencles raLher Lhan of our pluperfecLed mlsdemeanors
1hen Lhey wlll go ouL and close Lhe door