Denying Heaven

A Room 103 novel

By D H Sidebottom
 DENYING HEAVEN

Copyright © 2013

By D H Sidebottom

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to actual places,

incidents and persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright © 2013 D H Sidebottom

PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
epilogue
 A huge thank you to my girlies; Rachel, Angela, Kerrie, Kelly, Vickie and
Vikki. I love each of you; you held me up and carried me through to the end
when I thought I wouldn’t make it, thank you… actually I think that may
have been the coffee, but hey, I still love ya’!

To you, the reader; Get the kettle on, pull up those big girl pants and pile
up those tissues… Bulk is gonna tear you up!!!
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are sealed with scars.

Khalil Gibran
 PROLOGUE
BULK

“Chase, you’re under the thumb” Gary grumbled at me as I whipped my

jacket from the back of the chair and slipped it on, already calling it a night.
“Nah, mate, it’s called love and a rockin’ hot woman at home who since
becoming pregnant, is always gagging for it.” I winked and grinned as an
image of a naked Shona rumbled into my head and my dick stirred
obligingly.
My beautiful wife had been ravenous since she hit the last trimester of her
pregnancy. Her constant hunger for my cock wasn’t hearing any complaints
from me that was for sure.

Pete slapped my back with reverence before he turned back to the stripper
grinding herself across Benny’s lap. He was in his element, the only virgin
among us and I think he was about to lose his virginity without penetration
any second.
I tipped my head to the guys then to Benny, signalling Benny’s imminent
embarrassment.
His jaw dropped and his eyes fluttered before the tart squealed and jumped
off his knee, her shocked face gawping at the stain swiftly appearing in Ben’s
lap.
“Fucking hell, Ben!” Gary hooted as Benny cringed and curled his lip in
shock as he stared at the mess.

“Jesus Christ!” Ethan scoffed with disgust beside me. “I’m off home with
you, Chase. I’m sure Shona won’t mind if I kip on your sofa. No way am I
going back with…that!”
I chuckled and nodded, “Sure, we’ll try and keep the noise down” I
smirked at him.
“Don’t on my account; I can wank to your wife’s moans.”
“Fucking hell, Ethan” I barked and he rolled his eyes.
“Relax, fuck, I’m not that sick.”
I raised my eyebrows in dispute to his statement. “You need to find a bird
and settle down, Ethan, it’ll do you good.” I told him as we pushed the club
doors open and stepped onto the frosty pavement whilst my fingers swiftly
texted Shona to tell her to get ready for me.
I fancied taking her slow and long tonight, sate her lengthily and adoringly.

God, she was fucking beautiful. I had fell hard for her the moment my eyes
landed on her in the first class at college four years ago.
She had sat next to me in A level music and I was chewing on my pen like
a starving bulldog as I stared at her like some frigging pervert. She had leant
across and asked if she had something stuck to her face and then we both
started giggling like adolescents, appropriating a severe scowl from our
lecturer, but after that we were inseparable.
She had fell as hard for me as I had her and within two years, aged
eighteen, we were married, settled and so god damn happy it was blinding.
The way she looked at me, her bright blue eyes twinkling at me
mischievously never failed to make my heart beat that bit faster. The swing of
her tight hips and even tighter arse made my body crave her constantly. The
flow of her long blond hair and the way it swept down her back, almost
covering her delicious bum made me wanna wind it around me and tie her to
me continually.
She was my life…simple.

“Nah, I’m good.” Ethan said quietly and I knew my words had brought
back memories of Jen.
“Shit, Ethan, sorry mate.”
He shrugged, “I’m okay.” He frowned and sighed heavily and my heart
hurt for my friend since primary school. “She’s not coming back, Chase, and
I need to start accepting it. It’s been two fucking years now; I’ve looked
everywhere and…nothing. I need to stop behaving like a fucking pussy and
get back into the scene.”

I nodded faintly but tapped his shoulder lightly as we rounded the corner
onto my street. Ethan stumbled off the curb and onto the road in front of an
oncoming BMW speeding at a pace that would make Jenson Button proud.
“Fucking prick!” Ethan shouted as he jumped back onto the path with his
hand holding his pounding chest.
“Jesus” I swallowed harshly as I watched the Beemer fly round the corner
and disappear. “You okay?”
 He nodded and puffed out a relieved blast of air, “Maniac.”
I nodded in agreement as we stalked up my path and I fiddled in my
pockets for my keys.
“Shit” I murmured when I realised I’d left them with my wallet on the
table in the club. “Shit” I repeated as I looked up at Ethan to explain.
I frowned when I caught his frown as he stared at my front door.
My eyes shifted, following his gaze and my throat restricted when I caught
sight of it.
The wooden frame had been splintered nastily and the door hung open
slightly.

I froze as did Ethan before he gingerly pushed it open and stepped inside.
“Shona” I shouted, amazed at the calm to my voice when my heart was
threatening to give me a coronary at its overload of beats.
“Shona?” I shouted a bit louder as I took in the state of the hallway. It was
trashed and my throat was starting to constrict when the eerie silence
penetrated my ears.

I stumbled through the hallway and burst into the lounge, my eyes
scanning the area within seconds for my wife.
“Baby?” It was now a croak as my calls remained unanswered, “SHONA?”
Falling through the kitchen door, I frowned at the neatness of the room,
strangely in contrast to the rest of the chaotic house.
“God damn it, Shona, answer me!” I shouted as I hit the stairs two at a
time.

My footing faltered as I saw Ethan. Both his hands were bracing my

bedroom door frame and his hip was leant against the frame supporting him
as he stared at something inside.
He spun round as I approached and grabbed the tops of my arms, pushing
me back firmly. “No” was all he said as tears reamed his face.
“Ethan?” I stuttered as my lungs fought to keep the air inside with my
rapid pants and I pushed back against him.
He shook his head and pushed me back again, “No, Chase.”
We continued retreating, our legs giving way until we were both crumpled
on the floor. My hands clawed desperately at him, pulling his skin within my
grasp to feel something, anything but this high pitched hum in my head.
 “Ethan?”
“Jesus, Chase. I…” he shook his head and I knew. I knew. I could feel it;
my heart had stopped beating, my spirit was screaming in pain and my soul
had died.
“No, No….”
Tears flowed rapidly down his face and I attempted to get to my feet but he
placed his hands on my cheeks. “Look at me, Chase. Look at me.”
My wide eyes locked onto his haunted ones. “You do not go in there. She’s
up here, Chase, her beautiful smile and twinkling eyes need to stay up here”
he stammered as he tapped my head.

I shook my head as realisation and acceptance hit me. A fierce raging fire
propelled from my lungs, burning them to a crisp en-route as it incinerated
my heart on the way. The ashes erupted from my throat in a scream so primal
and visceral that it burst a blood vessel in my eye and tore my throat, surging
blood from my mouth with it.

Ethan’s eyes would haunt me forever but at that moment I didn’t realise
how much I would appreciate his wisdom from keeping me from seeing my
beautiful wife so broken and beaten…and lifeless.
 CHAPTER 1
BULK

7 years later

“You watch.”
“No, you watch.”
“I can’t Chase, I… God, this is hard.”
“Put it in the middle and we’ll watch together.”
Shona nodded and placed the long strip of plastic on the floor between us,
as we sat utterly naked on the bathroom carpet. Our heads came together
and joined as we peered down expectantly at the test.
“Oh God, Oh God. Chase…”
I nodded, I saw it. Hell, my whole body felt it as a blue strip appeared in
the centre of the small window.
“Baby… We’re pregnant.” My grin must have surely been blinding her; I
couldn’t pull my face back to normal as the corners my lips hit my ears.
She giggled then looked at me sombrely, “I’m scared.”
I nodded and gripped her waist with my hands, pulling her over and onto
my lap, “Me too, God, me too.”
“What if I’m a terrible mother?”
I laughed at her worried face and cupped her cheeks, “Baby, Shona, there
is no way on this earth that you could be terrible at anything. You are gonna
be the best god damn mother on this planet.”
She rolled her lips and I swept away the stray tear from her cheek as I
gazed into those stunning blue eyes of hers. They had a life of their own, the
sheer bright blue held a twinkle constantly and her entire emotions relayed
through her beautiful irises frequently.
She reciprocated my caress and placed her palms gently on my cheeks, “I
know you’re scared Chase, but your past doesn’t rule your future. You are
the most compassionate and loving man ever….”

“Bulk!”
I blinked to dispel the images and lifted my eyes. Boss was staring at me,
his eyes wide and near terrorised and I couldn’t hold back the small laugh
that erupted from my mouth, “You okay?”
He shook his head rapidly, his lips wobbling as his chest heaved with each
of his desperate heaves of breath.
“She needs you.”
I stared at him, my eyes wide with caution as he stared back, “But… I…”
He nodded eagerly, his eyes pleading as he wrung his hands together with
desperation and nervousness. “I know it’s gonna be hard Bulk but… well, she
needs you. She asked for you. Please.”
I repeated a head shake and stood from the hard plastic chair, my arse
sighing in gratitude as I took a step down the corridor.
“BULK!!!!” Her agonised cry ripped through me and I swallowed back the
bile and the pain before I turned slowly.
“Please.” Boss repeated with a small choked voice, his eyes as frantic as
his tone.
I pulled in a heavy drag of air as I palmed the door handle, “God damn
women.” I huffed as I opened the door.
Jen let out a mangled scream and all my apprehension flew through the
window as I rushed over to her. She grabbed my hand and screamed as she
lifted off the bed with a tormented moan, “Okay, little lady. Let’s get
pushing.”
She nodded at me eagerly as Boss appeared at the other side of her, his
hand slipping into hers as he swept a damp cloth across her forehead.

“If you would both like to support a thigh whilst she pushes, that would
help her out a lot.” A nurse said from the bottom of the bed.
I stared at Jen with a quirked brow to ask her permission, but she just
nodded eagerly, her body too far gone in pain to care who saw her lady parts.
Boss and I slipped an arm under each thigh as Jen screamed a piercing
scream and turned red as she started to push.
This should have been us, this should have been us, this should have been
us.

“Come on, baby. You’re doing gre…. Fuck! Ow!” Boss groaned as his
whole face distorted in pain when Jen slipped her hand into his hair and
yanked hard as she pushed just as gruellingly. “Ow, Ow, Jen, baby… Shit!”
I grinned at Boss who glowered at me, his lips moving with his silent
curses as Jen made him pay for getting her here. “Should’ve cut the fucker” I
laughed at him.
“Fuck off!”
“SHUT UP!” Jen bellowed as she heaved her body forwards and gripped
her thighs with us, her large belly stifling her breaths as she forced everything
south.
“Oh, Jesus Christ!” Boss disappeared and headed to the end of the bed as
he watched his child being born.
My breath stunted as a little wriggling body emerged and I closed my eyes,
sending up a silent prayer for help. I needed help getting through this. I
needed a drink.

Jen sucked in vast quantities of air as she flopped backwards on the bed.
Boss stuttered a choked cry as the nurse handed him some scissors to cut the
cord.
I couldn’t remove my eyes from my godson, his tiny body covered in shit
and blood but he was the most adorable little creature ever.
“Oooh Fuckkkkk!” Jen moaned and I gripped her hand again.
“One more, little lady, then it’s all over.”
She took a deep breath again and gripped her thighs with me as Boss cooed
over his son.
“Second one coming?” The nurse asked Jen. We both stared at her like she
was crazy. Of course the second one was coming, why did she think Jen was
groaning and pushing?
“I’m not sure; maybe I just need a poo!” Jen spat out with venom and I
looked to the floor as I tried to hold back the laughter.
The nurse narrowed her eyes but moved back into position as Jen began
pushing again.

***

“Vin, Issy, this is your Uncle Bulk…” Jen said before she frowned, “No
way are my children calling you after your nether regions. It’ll be Uncle
Chase to them.”
I smirked but nodded as I took Vin from her and snuggled him into the
crook of my arm, “Yeah, maybe we should stick to Chase. I don’t need them
asking me at three why they call me Bulk.”
 My heart stilled as I peered down at Vin, his tiny face searching my chest
for a pair of tits, “Uh-uh mate, wrong sex. Although if you like it that way,
we’ll support you any…”
“Christ Bulk, give the guy chance.” Boss growled at me and I laughed at
him.
“Chill daddy, I’m only messing.”
He harrumphed as Jen placed little Issy in my other arm and Boss stepped
beside me to run his hand softly over each head of wispy hair.
My chest hurt and I blinked hard as I shoved the feeling down.
This should have been us, this should have been us, this should have been
us.

“You okay?” Jen asked as she watched me with narrow eyes and a slight
tilt to her head. I smiled and nodded, aware that she was more than sensitive
of my feelings. Jen had been there for me over the past couple of years,
during horrible anniversaries and birthdays and just tough days. She knew
how to read me, as I did her.
Our friendship had progressed from something other than friends. She was
my guardian angel, if that didn’t sound too ‘pussyish’. I loved her, not
sexually, but with a connection that we both shared, a bond of closeness that
we both relished. I was there for her and she was there for me, simple. She
dragged me out of the darkness when I needed it, and I hated to admit it but
she held me when my emotions were raw and desolate. She was just… there,
always.

“I’m good.” I answered with a smile and a wink.

Christ, I needed to get thoroughly pissed, but Jen didn’t need to know that
at the moment, although I had no doubt she could read it in me.
She gripped my elbow and I turned to look at her again. The raw emotion
in her eyes made my heart stutter, “It’ll come, Bulk. Soon, I promise.”
I gulped back the lump and nodded, “Yeah.”
No it wouldn’t, it would never come again. Never.

“I’ll leave you guy’s alone. Well done, little lady.” I reached down and
kissed Jen’s forehead as I passed her Issy and slipped Vin back over to Boss.
“They’re so beautiful, which I’m utterly surprised at with a father like theirs.”
“No surprise about it with superpowers like mine” Boss smirked and I
shook my head in humour.
“I’m surprised you haven’t named them Batman and Robin.”
His face lit up with excitement and Jen growled, “Well done, Bulk.”
I closed the door behind me, laughing at Boss’s pleas and Jen’s stubborn
refusals.
I made it three steps before my knees juddered and I palmed the wall for
support as my forehead hit the wall.
My heart ached so hard as I ground my teeth in an attempt to clear my
thoughts.
This should have been us, this should have been us, this should have been
us.

“Christ, baby” I said to her ghost, “I need you.”

No answer as usual.
I blew out a breath and pushed off the wall. What the hell was happening
to me? Shona was on my thoughts constantly. Not like she ever left, but
lately she was always there; her smile, her laughter, her large round belly that
was full of my child.
I choked back the bile, the ache and the hurt for the millionth time that day
and swept my gaze around the corridor.
People came and went, all unaware of my heartache; nurses scurrying
around with clipboards and stern faces, new dads grinning from ear to ear as
they welcomed family, women in labour palming the wall as if mirroring my
ache. All of them oblivious to my anger and rage, all not giving a shit that I
wanted to die, wanted to join the only person who had lit my life with so
much intensity it had fed my soul.
This should have been us, this should have been us, this should have been
us.

“God damn” I cursed as I stepped into the empty elevator.

My ache craved alcohol, the oblivion and nothingness it provided.
Rolling my head round my neck I stepped out into the cool night air and
took a calming breath. Seven years, seven long and lonely years. It was about
time I moved on.
“Fuck this shit.”

I lowered my head from staring people, my recognised face pulling in wide

eyes and gasps as people identified me.
A microphone was pushed into my face as a crowd of reporters descended
on me.
“Bulk, any news?”
“Have the happy couple graced us with mini Boss’s yet?”
“Any sign of the babies yet?”
“Any comment for ITV news, Bulk?”
I shoved past them all as Harry, my driver and bodyguard pulled up in the
car. He shot out and opened the door as he pushed back the throng of idiots
whilst I clambered in the front seat.
Bloody hell, why couldn’t they just wait for a statement and leave Jen and
Boss alone? They wanted some lone time together and I knew it wouldn’t be
long before the paparazzi realised the twins had been born with me leaving,
giving them the notion to try and overtake the ward.
I dialled Boss and made him aware of the storm brewing outside the
hospital as I muttered my destination to Harry, “Yellow’s.”
He frowned but nodded as he pulled away from the hospital and sped me to
what my gut craved. Alcohol and women.
 CHAPTER 2
SPIRIT

I was smashed again. Drunk as a skunk, pissed as a fart, bombed as a nun

on holy water; and it felt fucking good… again.
I moved my thrumming body, rocking my hips and arse against Kenny, the
vocalist in my band River’s Ink, as Hoobastank hit the air with a heavy
thump.
Kenny grumbled in my ear and shifted his hips back as he took my arms
and pulled them behind me, grasping my wrists in a tight hold as he brought
his mouth to my ear. “You need to stop this, Spirit. Enough is enough.”
“Fuck you, Saint Kenny.” I growled out as I turned and scowled at him,
“always so bloody holy. Chill out, it’s only a drink.”
He scoffed and lifted a brow at me, “It’s not though is it? It never is with
you.”
I wriggled out of his grasp and bit my lip to stop the nasty retort that
wanted to be voiced. “What are you, my god damn councillor as well as my
parent? Although, no, maybe I shouldn’t use my parents as an example,” I
snorted with antipathy as I pictured my mother and father, their faces
contorted and grinning at me like I was a vision from the God’s, which I
suppose to them I was in their constant stoned state.

My eyes swept the dance floor as I looked around at the throng of sweaty
dancers, all of them dancing without an obnoxious prick denying their fun. I
smirked as a familiar face watched me from his position at the bar. Tilting my
head, I smiled back at Bulk, the guitarist for Room 103 whom my band
River’s Ink, sometimes supported on tours.

I started working my ass harder, teasing and tempting as I swayed my body

fluidly.
Don’t ask why I did it, I never usually flirted but today was a bad day, in
fact every fucking day was a bad day but anniversaries like today were the
worst and I needed something to take the ache away.
 Adam Lambert’s, For your entertainment hit the pulsing throb in the room
and my hands settled on my hips before I slid them up my body, feeling
myself all the way up and back down as I secured Bulk in a gaze, my eyes
telling him exactly what I was thinking, exactly how my body was reacting to
both him and the beat of the track.
He continued to watch me, his eyes tracking the seductive caress of my
hands as I mouthed the words to him.

I felt a body press into me from behind, an erect male, and the way he
moulded his hips into my bum told me exactly what he thought of my
dancing. I hoped Bulk was reacting exactly the same way and from the dark
expression on his face, he was responding exactly how I wanted him to.
The bloke’s hands slid round and grasped my hips, his fingers digging in
and I circled my hips, grinding my backside against him as I started to slide
slowly down his body, my heated eyes still on Bulk as my arse rocked
smoothly.
I was so horny. I hadn’t been this horny for a long time and I wondered
why Bulk was creating this desire in me.

Kenny stepped behind me in a protective stance, moving the guy out of the
way, ignoring his grumble as Bulk strode the floor towards me. “Spirit,” he
smiled widely in greeting as his eyes swept my still swaying body.
“Bulk!” I cheered as I flung my arms around his neck and swung my legs
around his waist.
He laughed and spun me round, dipping me backwards with the flow of the
music as his alcohol ridden breath rendered me even more pissed. He was as
tanked-up as me and I giggled as he cupped my arse and lifted me higher.
“Spirit was just going home” Kenny snarled at Bulk from behind me and I
turned my head to scowl at him.
“Noooo, Spirit was just starting to have fun.”
Kenny’s eyes darkened as he glared at me then Bulk.
“It’s okay, Kenny, I’ll make sure she gets home safe and sound.” Bulk
offered and I smirked as he pressed his groin further into my spread thighs,
his hard erection rubbing against my knicker clad pussy as the hem of my
dress shifted an inch higher.
“Safe?” I murmured in his ear. His eyes flashed as he glanced at me with a
slight twist to his lips.
 “Well, home…”
I laughed low, “I like the sound of being unsafe with you.”
His brows lifted, “Like a bit of excitement do you Spirit?”
“Well yeah, danger kinda hits the spot though.” I teased as Bulk whistled
through his teeth, his eyes flashing with something resembling hunger as his
fingers dug into the flesh of my arse cheeks and I gasped at the slight pain.
“Seems you like a bit of pain as well. Bit of a sinner are you?”
His face darkened as his eyes dropped to my mouth and his tongue swept
out, gliding over my bottom lip with a soft skim before he clamped his teeth
tightly on my bottom lip and tugged hard.
I couldn’t contain the small moan as a fire raged through my system, my
arousal pleading with my pussy to open up to the promise of a pain fuelled
fuck that Bulk could satisfy in me.
His eyes bore through me as his bright blue orbs pledged a good time, his
own arousal prominently digging into mine and I swallowed as the huge
stock caused my eyes to water. “Now I know why they call you Bulk.”
He smirked and peered at me with a quirked brow, “What the hell did you
think it meant?”
I rolled my lips as a slight blush rendered me shameful.
“Come on,” he chuckled as his fingers squished into my ass with
playfulness.
“Uhh, well… I just thought you bought your beans by the pallet load.”
He stared at me for a moment before his head whipped back and a deep
rumbling laugh erupted loudly from him. “Christ Spirit, that’s uhh, well…
shit, I dunno what to say.”
I beamed at him, his contagious laugh hitting my pleasure lobes full on as
he spread his hilarity into other people around us as they turned and smiled at
a happy Bulk.
“You gonna take me home then, big guy?”
He halted the laughter but still held a smile as he tipped his head, “You
sure?”
I scoffed and twitched my fanny folds, “My pussy’s purring, what does
that tell you?”
I didn’t miss the small growl that vibrated through his body as he turned
towards the door, his hands still holding me up by my bottom as he strode
through the room easily with me.
“You sure you’re gonna be able to take me, you seem a little… small?” he
asked cautiously with a slight warning as he studied me and squeezed my
hips.
“Spirit!” Kenny bellowed from behind me and I flipped him off, his
controlling overbearing protection driving me nuts.
“I’ll give it a go, if I scream too loud for my neighbours you can fill my
mouth instead,” I smirked at Bulk as I damn near drooled thinking about how
full he was gonna fill me.
“Oh, I’ll be making you scream. Whichever way I take you Spirit, that I
can promise.”
I nodded reverently as I pursed my lips, “I like a man who’s confident
where his dick’s concerned.”
“I’m not confident.” He shrugged as he took the back door out of the club
and bundled us into a waiting car, “I’m certain.”

I smiled inwardly, giving his driver my address, not wanting to give Bulk
too much confidence in his promise before I climbed onto his lap and rubbed
my wet sex all over his hard cock, the zip in his jeans scraping along my
groove and exciting me even more.
“You’re drenching me, Spirit.” He whispered as his tongue trickled up my
throat and his fingers dug into my hair, pulling my head back sharply to
expose my neck to him.
I moaned low at the hint of pain, my excitement picking up a degree as his
teeth sank in beside his tongue. “You’re a surprise. I can feel the twitch in
your pussy at the pain.”
I nodded, unable to speak as his grip in my long black hair drove my lust
into overdrive. My whole body pleaded with my arousal, heat and chills
simultaneously spreading over my skin as I fought to breathe against the
powerful sexual energy Bulk was radiating.
“Can’t this car move any faster?”
“Nearly there.”
I nodded again and let out a small gasp as Bulk cupped my tits, some of his
long fingers massaging with a deep pressure and some pinching and twisting
my hard nipples. “Fuck” I growled as my head rolled back, “I need you
now.”
“Patience, little sinner. You need to learn to savour.”
I opened my eyes and gazed at him, his eyes holding me and locking me
down with his dominance, “You like to control?”
 “You like to submit?” he countered with a raise of a brow.
“Touché” I conceded as I ground down on him, needing some sort of
friction as my pissed off pussy demanded more attention.
Bulk grabbed my hips and stilled me, “Carry on like that and you’ll come
before I allow it.”
I lifted my eyebrows and snorted, “You do like to control, big guy. What
happens if I like to be in charge?”
He lifted his lips into a slight sinister smirk as his fingers moved from my
aching breasts to my jaw, his forefinger and thumb seizing me in a forceful
hold. His eyes narrowed as he slid a hand around the front of my throat,
“Then you’ll learn to yield.”
Well fuck me. His order angered me as it flooded my pussy with Mother
Nature’s lube.

He smirked cockily as his grip around my neck tightened, “I can feel and
smell your need, Spirit. I’m capable of many things, honey. Making your
whole core shiver, making you scream my name, making you beg for more at
the same time as you beg me to stop and making you feel so damn good that
you pass out in ecstasy, but let’s get one thing straight.” His hand slid up my
neck, his fingertips whispering across my throat until he reached and palmed
my cheek with tenderness, “You’ll do as you’re told or you’ll get the fuck
spanked out of you.”
I bit down on my lip as I closed my eyes. I was so aroused I just nodded.
Damn him and his raw sexual power. I would fuck the devil and his minion
right now if this man asked.
“Home” he breathed in my ear and I groaned in appreciation.

The door of the car opened and Bulk remained still for a moment, his
questioning eyes asking if I was sure I wanted to do this as his hands held me
locked on his lap.
Did I fucking ever!
“Are you kidding? You offer to fuck me so nicely and then ask if I want
it.”
His gaze scanned my face seriously and I stared back as genuinely, the
danger in Bulk’s face lighting me up and controlling my mind.
He nodded once before he wrapped his arms around my waist and planted
me on the pavement as he climbed out.
 “I’ll ring you if I need you” he told his driver then narrowed his eyes and
grimaced slightly as he took in the rough neighbourhood I lived in. Shame
and embarrassment coursed through me but I sighed and took the steps two at
a time to the front door of my apartment building.
“This where you live, Spirit?”
“No, I thought we could break into some random’s house and fuck against
his wall. What do ya’ say? Fancy it?” I mocked as I rolled my eyes, my hurt
at his obvious repulsion in my home guiding my anger.
“Whoa,” his firm grip on my arm pulled me around to face him. “I wasn’t
taking the piss, calm the fuck down.”
I shook out of his grasp and opened the door as I ignored his half-hearted
apology. “Well, I’m afraid you’ll have to slum it for an hour if you want in
my pussy. We aren’t all accustomed to money.”

He remained silent as I ascended the three flights of stairs to my flat. I

could feel the fury rolling off him behind me as I groped through my bag for
my keys.
Sliding the key through the lock, I stepped into my hallway and flicked the
light on.
My body was slammed against the wall, my wrists enclosed in large hands
above my head as Bulk pressed his thighs against my hips in a firm hold.
“One, don’t ever lose it with me again. Two, I don’t take shit from anyone,
that includes you and three, I was asking because I thought you deserved
better than this shithole. Don’t like my honesty? Then to be honest I don’t
really give a flying fuck, that’s me, Spirit. Take me or leave me but don’t
ever fucking growl at me again unless I’m filling you hard with my cock.”

I swallowed as I closed my eyes against his anger, my heart beating with

both arousal and rage.
“Take off your dress” he ordered as he took a step back and fixed me with
his dark eyes.
“No.”
Just who the fuck did he think he was? Barking fucking orders after he hurt
my feelings.
I was thrust backwards again, his huge body totally encompassing my
small one as he leaned in close to my face, his whisky breath firing a need for
my own shot. “You know you want me to fuck you, Spirit. Why deny
yourself what you want?”
“Because…” my voice squeaked tight and I damned myself for it.
He nodded slowly as he ground his hard dick into my belly and I gulped as
I refused to let the groan free. “I know you’ll enjoy me inside you, honey,
because I can make you come hard, for so long and so exquisitely that no
other man will ever compare.”
“You arrogant bastard” I shot back as my breathing deepened, the deep
heaves of my chest giving away my treacherous bodies wants.
“Oh yeah, I’m all about arrogance. Now take - off - your - fucking - dress.”
“Fuck you” I barked as I slid the zip on the side of my dress and let it drop
to the floor in a pool of material around my feet.

His eyes swept over my black lace undies, my strapless bra holding what
little chest I had as my knickers hid my glistening arousal from him.
“Turn around and palm the wall.”
Another fucking demand and I narrowed my eyes in refusal. Why the fuck
was my pussy squealing in delight as my nipples pounded against the thin
material encasing them.
I don’t think I’d ever been so turned on, as wanton and hungry as I was
then. My whole body shivered in delight at this man’s dominance and power
control.
My sexual preferences had always been a little… demanding and
debauching. My need for pain and discipline always made me ashamed to ask
for what I wanted with previous partners, not that there had been many, but I
had a feeling Bulk already knew exactly what I wanted, like he could sense
this side of me and my relief in his accepting behaviour and instant
management had the pleasure lobes of my brain screaming in delight.

“Do as you’re told, Spirit. Or do you want a spanking on that pretty little
ass of yours? Is that what you want? Or is it what you need?”
I bit my tongue and turned, palming the wall to conceal the excitement in
my eyes with his threat.
“Good girl. Now I’m gonna make you come until you can’t breathe and
then I’m gonna fuck my fist and cover your soft back with my cum.”
“Do you always talk so fucking much?” I hissed through clenched teeth as
my sweaty palms slid slightly on the smooth wall.
“Only when my intentions need to be pointed out numerous times,” he
snarled as I felt him lower to his knees behind me and I stifled a small moan
as I urged him to hurry the fuck up and touch me.
My body was on fire, my pussy was as hot as sin and my nerve endings
were screeching in desire as I felt his hands against my shoulders, the heat
from him blistering my skin as he slowly glided then down the centre of my
spine, a small press of a finger deepening the sensation as he brought them
round to cup my backside and I rocked my hips slightly to ease the ache
between my thighs.

He curved his fingers in the edge of my knickers and slowly drew them
down my legs. “Christ, will you fucking touch me!”
He ignored me and tapped my ankle until I stepped out of them. “Fuck,” he
gasped slightly but then a small groan of pleasure resonated from him. “You
really have the most exquisite pussy I’ve ever seen. Fucking beautiful.”
“God damn, will you just bloody touch me.”
My jaw dropped as his hand pressed between my shoulder blades and I slid
further down the wall, the effect sticking my arse higher and higher with my
descent. My lip quivered when he slid under me until his face was positioned
directly under my pussy, his intense eyes on mine as he looked up at me from
between my thighs.
My eyes fluttered in pleasure as a long finger slid inside my heat, the
calloused tip stroking harshly at my pussy wall as he stretched me with a
wide circular movement.
“Like that?” he breathed behind me and I mumbled a confirmation.
“Oh yes, so like that.” I groaned again as another finger joined the play and
swirled around inside me.
“Watch me Spirit; watch me eat your sweet pussy.” His voice was harsh
with demand and I moved my gaze until I could see the flick of his tongue on
my clit, the tip of it rubbing me back and forth and I whimpered as the erotic
sight boosted my lust, making my pussy twitch with need.
“You like that?”
“I’d like it more if you shut up!”
I gasped when he nipped the inside of my thigh, giving me a hard pinch
and I bit my lip to hide my groan of excitement from him, “Don’t forget
who’s in charge.”

I stilled and my whole body tightened as a finger probed my backside,

“Uhh, what are you doing?”
“Ass play, Spirit. Don’t argue.”
“Uhh, no, don’t” I shook my head as a forbidden groan erupted with the
fire raging inside me.
“Don’t be stubborn. I know you like it, your hot pussy is telling my other
finger how much you like it” he said with a chuckle and I bit my lower lip
with slight shame.
“Fuck you!” I spat as my arse pushed back slightly, feeding my need for
him to drive deeper into my ass as his other fingers fucked my pussy hard.
“Later, Spirit.” He whispered before his tongue flicked my clit harshly and
a violent bolt of pleasure shuddered through me as a ball of metal tortured my
stimulated nub of nerves.
My fingers curled into the plaster on the walls as his fingers drove deeper
in both holes whilst he sucked my clit between his lips and grazed the hard
tissue with his teeth.
“Watch!” he ordered sternly with a slight nip to my clit with his teeth when
my eyes flicked closed.
My body was vibrating as I watched him labour religiously on me, his own
eyes blazing with his pleasure as he drove me higher and higher with each
stroke and each flick until the very core of me seemed to explode outwards
with a force against nature.
“Holy shit” I cried out as my orgasm hit with an intensity I’d never felt
before. My whole body shuddered as my brain jerked in a white hot pleasure
and my bones actually quivered.

“I want to watch you” I said as Bulk took a tight grip of my hip and started
wanking himself over my back.
“Ssshhh” he muttered with a hiss of vocalized pleasure as I tried to turn my
head but his fingers gripped my hair and held my head still as he continued
with his self-indulgence behind me.
“Oh, so when it’s your turn we have to be quiet” I scoffed.
“If you don’t shut your mouth, I’ll fill it instead.” He growled as his hand
moved faster over the groove of my spine, his voice as tight as his fist as he
fucked himself with viciousness.
I bit my lip as I fought against the need to do it for him. “Pfft, promises.”
I was spun so fast I lost my balance as Bulk shoved me to my knees before
him and thrust his cock urgently between my lips.
 My eyes widened as his huge dick was forced down my throat and his
hands gripped either side of my head as he held me still and fucked my
mouth with vigour.
I groaned as my lust surged back to life with his mission to rule me and
frowned slightly when I felt a sliver ring brush the roof of my mouth and a
small ball rhythmically swipe my lower lip.

Bulk looked down at me, his eyes blazing with heat as he watched his cock
disappear into my mouth ruthlessly, his hips pumping rapidly as I took as
much of him as I could and flicked the tip of him with each of his inward
thrusts. “Fuck yeah, I’m gonna come, Spirit. Where do you want it?”
I thought it was quite nice of him to ask and just for the thought of the
warning I wrapped my fist around the bottom half of his shaft as my small
mouth could only manage about a third of his huge length and flicked the
hoop of his cock jewellery, alerting him that I wanted his hot stuff flowing
down my eager throat.
“You want it in your mouth?” he asked with a moan and a tightness in his
face as he held back until he was sure.
I smirked around his cock as I slid a finger over his perineum and slipped it
into his ass. His eyes widened before he snarled and thrust deeper down my
throat.
His hands tightened in my hair and he blasted the back of my throat with so
much cum it dribbled out of the corner of my lips and slid down my chin.
I continued to stroke my fingertip against the sensitive spot in his backside
as he yelled incoherently and growled simultaneously.
“Fuck baby, fuck… yeah!”
His hips jerked with each spurt as his buttocks clenched around my finger.
“Shit, Spirit, Fuck!” He was still snarling and snapping as he pumped
furiously into my mouth and I gave him a break, slipping my finger out of his
anus and cupping his balls with a soft caress.
“Shit” he mumbled again as he pulled in a huge breath, “What the fuck just
happened?”
“I think you learnt to yield” I grinned as I slid my back down the wall and
brought my knees up in front of me.

I frowned at what had just happened. I never acted like this, never brought
men home to fuck against my hallway wall… although we technically hadn’t
actually fucked, but still.
I looked down at myself as the arousal disappeared and my mind started to
register what I had done as shame coursed through me. The little voice in my
head rendered me a whore and I sank my teeth into my lower lip as I noticed
the small bruises appearing on my breasts.
What the fuck had I done?
I had to tour with Bulk occasionally and now he would see me as an easy
lay, a slut to use and I squeezed my eyes closed as he crouched before me.

His large hand cupped my chin and tilted my head back, “You okay?”
His concerned soft voice tightened my eyes further but he didn’t move
away, his fingers still gripped me gently as I felt his breath get closer. “Open
your eyes, Spirit. Open them, honey.”
I shook my head and tried to turn away. I just wanted him to leave, I
needed him to leave. I was disgusting, utterly dirty and ashamed.
“Spirit, open – your – eyes.” His tone held no argument and I slowly
opened my eyes to him.
He frowned as he studied me then his brows hit his hairline as he scoffed
back a choke and flew upright, “You’re fucking ditching.”
I lowered my eyes to the floor and swallowed heavily, both angry and
embarrassed as he read everything in my head with his piercing eyes.
“Fuck, Spirit. What are you on?” he spat with a tight rage and I curled
deeper into myself, mortified and hurt at his disgust.
“Just go” I managed to grate out but he turned and kicked the wall, his
heavy boot leaving long black scuff marks on my newly painted wall.
“FUCK OFF!” I bellowed at him as I hugged my knees tighter and fought
desperately to fight back the tears.
“You’re on that shit, Spirit. You’re fucking drowning in it; I can see it in
your fucking eyes.”
“Will you just go!”
“I can’t deal with this crap now. You stupid little girl!”
“Well fuck off then, GO!”
He scoffed angrily and I caught him buckling everything back up before he
opened the door and slammed it behind him, leaving me in the empty hallway
with thoughts of how shit my life was.
Even the constant ache in my gut, ached harder. The hurt in my heart, hurt
deeper and I scrambled onto all fours as my stomach retched and exploded all
over the carpet.
Fuck!

Crawling through the hall and into the kitchen I heaved myself up onto the
worktop and reached into a high cupboard.
“Hello, baby,” I whispered to the bottle of Jack Daniels. “Take me away;
take me somewhere nice and warm.”
I stared at the reflection of my thin and gaunt face in the mirrored oven
door. “You are full of fucks, Spirit. Time to be happy.” I added as I twisted
the lid on the bottle and downed a quarter of it without coming up for air.
So much better, always so much better.
Jack loved me, Jack always loved me. And I loved him in return, he was
the only one that didn’t judge, didn’t hold things against me. Didn’t hate me
for killing something so precious.
 CHAPTER 3
BULK

2 MONTHS LATER
“Come on Brent” I groaned to our manager as I watched Spirit’s tight arse
climb the steps onto the plane, her abhorrence with me was palpable as she
completely ignored me.
“Look Bulk, I told you, I manage you both, you and River’s Ink. They’re
supporting you on the homeland tour and I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna fork out
for two travel schedules. Grow some balls and get over yourself, it’s not like
you’ll have to share a room with the chicks. What’s your problem with them
anyway?”
He shook his head in frustration and turned his back on me before waiting
for an answer as he boarded the small private jet he had hired for the two
month tour of the British Isles.

I knew that sharing a hotel, never mind rooms with her was gonna be
trouble in itself. I hadn’t been able to get the little sinner out of my mind
since she blew my mind and swallowed my cum in her dingy little hallway.
She was trouble, her fascination with booze and drugs made me cautious
but I couldn’t help picturing her soft lips round my dick and her finger in my
ass as her large green eyes gazed up at me. There was something about her
that had gotten under my skin but I wouldn’t entertain that shit. She was
troubled, she radiated a broken soul and to be honest what with my own, two
broken souls didn’t make a whole one, it made chaos.

I swallowed my shit and made my way onto the waiting plane. I stopped
myself from glancing around the cabin as I strode straight over to an empty
seat and thrust myself into it.
A snivel caught my attention and I turned to Boss as tears reamed his
cheeks. “Fuck off!” he snapped before I even opened my mouth.
“Hey, no worries. They’ll see you in a couple of weeks when we stop in
Newcastle.”
He smiled gratefully and nodded before he turned his face to the small
round window and my gut actually ached for him. The twins were only two
months old and he was leaving them already.
Jax rolled his eyes at me but I knew he was already missing E. Their love
for each other always made me jealous and E was good for the miserable
bastard. She pulled him out of his shit.
Maybe Spirit…. No, fuck, no way!

My eyes shifted to Angel who was already chatting up one of the

hostesses, Felicity, her loud giggles and hip jut showed that within minutes of
take-off she would be wrapping her legs around him in the toilet cubicle.
Hunter slammed his feet on the small table and the thud made me jump as I
pulled my seatbelt across and buckled in.
I would not look, I would not look.
I fucking looked and damn, if she didn’t look hot. Her tight tiny curves
wrapped in tight jeans that encased her gorgeous backside and her small tits
held underneath a small white t-shirt, her hard nipples revealing the fact that
she was braless were all consuming as I drove my eyes over her and my dick
twitched in delight at what it saw.
Fuck!

She flung her head back and laughed as Romeo grinned at her, his mouth
close to her ear as he whispered something. I wanted to take his fucking face
and slam it against the wall.
What the fuck was wrong with me?

Her eyes caught mine and something flashed across them before her brow
wrinkled slightly and she swallowed heavily, almost as if my eyes on her
bruised.
She looked away just as quickly and I sighed as the hostess eased over to
me and palmed my arm, “Anything I can get you, sweetheart?”
I lifted a brow at her and her lips curled seductively. “Anything?” she
repeated slowly with a tilted brow of her own as her hand grazed further
down my arm.
“I’ll have a water,” Spirit shouted out suddenly and Felicity bit her lower
lip with an expression of annoyance.
“Sure, Miss” she growled out as she held my gaze. “You be sure to let me
know if you need me” she added to me and I smiled lazily.
 “Sure thing, sugar.”
A huffed breath came from the other side of the plane and I smirked when I
realised Spirit was a little narked at the hostesses attention towards me.
Well, well.

“So come on guy’s, why the name Room 103?” Spirit asked as the plane
taxied down the runway.
Jax smiled as Romeo cast me a glance. “Top secret,” I smirked as she
shifted her eyes to me.
“Really?” She shook her head as Jax laughed.
“Babe, nothing secret ‘bout it. Used to be called The Huds then we had a…
fun night in a hotel room with… a few babes.” He finished with a blasé shrug
as Spirit’s brows rose high.
“I take it, it was Room number 103.” Janey, the drummer for River’s Ink
inferred and Jax shrugged and nodded.
“See, nothing exciting,” Romeo grinned at Spirit who scoffed.
“So… did you all like… at the same time?” Janey asked as she motioned
with her hands at nothing specific.
We all looked at one another and Boss pointed a finger at Janey, “If this
gets back to Jen I’m turtle turds, you understand that don’t you?”
A mischievous smile erupted on Spirit’s face and I could read the twinkle
in her eye. “Of course we won’t say anything Boss, we wouldn’t,” she
smirked and winked at Janey. “Would we, Janey?”
“Oooh no…” Janey chuckled and Boss groaned.
“What do you want?” he asked with a resigned huff as he shifted his gaze
from one chick to the other.
Spirit stuck her tongue between her teeth and I only just managed to stifle
the groan as my cock burst to life. What that little tongue had done had blown
my motherfuckin’ mind. The way she had twisted it round my shaft, flicked it
over my balls and had caught my cum with it.
Christ, down boy!

She ran that fucking tongue along her bottom lip and smiled sweetly,
“We’ll take the best rooms in the hotel.”
“Fuck…” Boss glared at Jax, “This is your fucking fault; you should’ve
kept your trap shut.”
Jax shrugged again and grinned at Spirit, “If you give us the reason for
River’s Ink, babe?” His eyes narrowed with mischief and I knew he had an
inkling why they were called River’s Ink, as did I, hell I had seen it.
Spirit’s gaze dropped to the floor and Janey instantly shut up. I smirked
and looked at Spirit purposely, “Yeah Spirit, in fact you should go one better
and show us why you’re called River’s Ink.”
“Enough!” Kenny barked from the back of the plane and all heads turned
to him.
“Only fair” Romeo said calmly.
We’d all had an idea for the reason of their name and I knew Jax was just
winding her up but I loved the guy at the moment.
“Nowhere near fair, as you know it. Leave Spirit alone, she doesn’t need
your bullshit.”
Oooh, protective guardian was approaching and I narrowed my eyes on
Kenny as he seized Spirit almost manipulatively and pulled her from her seat
before leading her to the back of the plane and seating her beside him.
I think someone had a little crush on my little sinner.
Competition!
Fuck, no, not competition. I didn’t give a shit what or who she fucked. It
was nothing to do with me. But what I did find weird was how she had let
him, almost submissively, take control of her and guide her to where he
wanted her.

“You’ll take the room next to mine, Spirit. Understand?” Kenny whispered
but he didn’t realise how good my ears were.
“Kenny, leave it, all’s good.”
“Do it, Spirit!”
I turned and tilted my head at the slight venom in his tone to her. They
didn’t notice me watching and I frowned when Spirit just nodded slowly and
turned her head towards the window.
“Good girl. You stay close to me on this tour, you don’t need their crap” he
added and she nodded but didn’t turn back to look at him.

I noticed Romeo observing them both with his own brow quirked in
puzzlement. He caught my eye and silently asked me with his eyes what was
going on between them.
I gave him a bewildered shrug as he pursed his lips and continued to watch
Kenny. He puzzled me too and I wondered what kind of hold he had on
Spirit. Whatever it was, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how he controlled and
manipulated her. Were they a couple? Were they fucking? What the hell did
he have over her?
 CHAPTER 4
SPIRIT

“Fuck me!” Janey grinned as she jumped on one of the huge beds in our
suite.
The whole of the top floor in the lavish Royal Blue Hotel in the Orkney
Isles, Scotland had been reserved for Room 103 and River’s Ink, including
the floors own private spa, pool and bar.
We each shared a room with one other and of course, Janey and I were
sharing but that was good with me, I loved this girl with everything I was.
She was supportive, compassionate and an epic drummer.

“Come on Janey, unpack later, I need to hit the bar” I urged but she
scowled at me and continued with her bounce regime.
“Christ Spirit, we only just got here,” she murmured as she opened a door
that lead to an extravagant bathroom. “Wow, look.”
I rolled my eyes and peered into the bathroom, “Yeah cool, a tub. Come
on, Janey.”
She shook her head and sighed at my pleading. “Spirit,” she started and I
huffed, turning away from her pitying stare when I knew what was coming.
“Sweetie, don’t you think…”
“Fine leave it, I’ll find it myself.”

I pulled the door closed behind me a little too loudly but made my way
down the corridor to the entertainment side of the floor.
Practically sniffing my way to the booze I smiled at the server as I
attempted to climb onto the high stool once I reached the bar, “Jack and ice,
please.”
He nodded and smirked at me as I tried for the third time to hoist my tiny
body up. “Fucking hell, do you not believe in little people?” I moaned and
jolted as hands circled my waist and lifted me up, planting my backside on a
stool with a delicate deposit.
I turned and grinned as Romeo beamed at me, “You need some heels” he
stated as he regarded my bare feet swinging in the air.
 “Nah, heels mean hell and I just wanna relax.”
He shrugged and ordered a beer for himself when the bartender placed my
glass of whisky in front of me. I downed it in one and tilted my glass back to
him in reference for a refill.
“Bloody hell, never seen a girl down that stuff as smooth as that.” He
laughed and nudged me but I just shrugged.
“Double, this time,” I ordered when ‘Ray’, according to his name tag,
came back with Romeo’s pint.
“Need to obliterate?” He asked and I shrugged again as I reached over the
highly polished bar and snagged a packet of nuts from the hooks.

“Bend over like that again and it’ll be more than your jeans in the crack of
your tight ass” a voice said in my ear and I shivered as my body exploded in
receptive neurons, lighting my arousal intensely and stimulating an urgent
appetite for something other than peanuts.
“Excuse me?” I hissed through clenched teeth as I turned to face Bulk.
He grinned lazily as his eyes dropped to my mouth and I licked my lips
unconsciously, my mouth suddenly becoming dry as I watched a hunger
darken his eyes, “Just telling it like it is, little sinner.”
I scoffed and shook my head in disbelief, “Oh, I didn’t think you tolerated
silly little girls. So what I do with my own arse is entirely up to me.”
The corner of his lips twitched as his eyelids lowered slightly and his chest
heaved with a deep breath. “But we both know how your arse likes over-
ruling, Spirit… or should I say River?”
What the…

My body tightened in fear as a million different agonised thoughts

rendered me speechless and I swallowed to hold back the bile as my soul
froze and my mind screamed in warning.
My teeth sank into my lower lip as I slid off the stool and propelled myself
down the corridor back to my room.

“Spirit?”
I shook my head and carried on; trying to shut out Bulk’s demanding tone
behind me.
“Leave me alone” I managed to choke out but a large hand circled the top
of my arm and halted me.
 “Please…” I near begged as he turned me round to face him.
His face wasn’t angry but concern flashed over every inch of him as his
eyes studied my face intently. “What did I say?”
I nibbled on my lip furiously as I scrutinised him, trying to read how much
and what he knew about me. “What… how…”
I shook my head again and tried to pull away but his hold was relentless.
“Why… why did you call me River?” I asked, surprised that I had managed
to find my voice around the lump stuck in my throat.
He frowned at me, his head tilting slightly to the side as his eyes darkened,
“Because of your ink. I get it now, River Phoenix.”
I shook my head and snatched my arm away from him as my chest
screamed at the tightness overpowering it, “What? No! Just leave me alone
Bulk, stay out of my way” I snapped.
“Excuse me?” he scoffed as his face creased in confusion and slight
offence.
I stared at him as I tried to read him but his eyes held nothing I could
decipher, nothing I could grab onto and fathom, “What exactly do you…
uhh… never mind, just…”
I couldn’t even form a sentence in this strong unyielding man’s proximity,
his confidence and authority unnerved me, yet comforted me. He made me
feel as though I could open up to him as I was additionally aware I needed to
steer clear, stay the hell away from him. I knew he could break my heart
along with my soul, I could feel the despair his spirit wept with and if I was
truthful to myself, I wasn’t in a position to cure it, as much as I wanted to; my
own soul needed to heal first.

“Spirit,” he sucked in a soft breath as his eyes pierced my own. “What’s

going on with you?”
I could feel the slight drain of blood from my face as I desperately tried to
remain impassive and cool. “I’m not sure I understand.”
He shook his head slowly and chewed on his bottom lip as his fingers
gripped my chin and tilted my head back until I had no choice but to look
into his gaze, drown in the hell relayed in his irises and breathe in his own
warm breaths. “Why do you need to obliterate your life? I can feel your
despair honey, you reek of it. You unconsciously call out for help, your
whole soul is screaming for me to help.”
The swallow stuck in my throat as my blood froze. How the hell did he do
it? Read everything and everyone so damn intimately?
“What the hell are you on about?”
He sighed heavily but his brow puckered with a slight pain as he brushed
his thumb over my bottom lip, his eyes trained on his own gentle action and I
pulled back as my heart screamed for protection. He gripped me harder, his
dominancy rendering me still and immobile and I closed my eyes, shielding
myself from his heavy stare.
“Spirit…” His breath whispered over my mouth and I moaned quietly as
my brain fired danger alerts and my womb clenched in need.
“Don’t…” I whispered back but I knew I was unable to back my words up.
I wanted him so bad, I needed him with everything I held inside but he also
scared the shit out of me. I knew he could get close, discover all my dirty
little secrets and hurt me with them.
I whimpered as his soft lips brushed over mine and I leaned into him,
instinctively moving closer to him as my body refused my brains demands
and took what it needed.
He growled deeply as I opened my mouth and wrapped my tongue around
his, flicking it harshly before my teeth painfully grazed his lower lip and sank
in until I could taste his blood.
My back hit the wall as his hand grabbed a fistful of my hair and his hips
ground into me, his hard cock showing me just how much my painful play
had fired his arousal.
“God, I need you” his whispered voice shivered over my lips as his hand
stroked across my cheek and ventured into the thickness of my hair.
His lips were soft but firm, his kiss dominant but conceding and his tight
grip in my hair was soothed by his other thumb softly stroking along the
ridge of my cheekbone.
My body sang in delight as my core convulsed with a need I had never felt
before, my lust was driving me insane and if I was honest, my need for him
was frightening. I had never needed someone so… passionately, not since…

My brain erupted in alarm bells as my heart ached with the memory of

what I had lost, my soul weeping deeply as his face shot through mind.
I pulled back from Bulk and my womb growled in anger as my throat
closed in disappointment.
“I… I can’t do this… I’m…”
I pushed against him, moving his large body with my craving to get away
but his hand shot out and took mine, “Spirit? I don’t…” He shook his head
and frowned. His eyes searched mine before I watched him physically and
emotionally shut down, right in front of me. It was like he was suddenly
aware of where he was and what tramp had him losing his control.
His face contorted with disgust and I grimaced at the hurt that dug deep. I
knew what he thought of me, his actions from last time still rendered an ache
deep inside and I almost choked on the self-loathing that fisted my soul.
“I know, I’m… sorry.” I managed to whisper before I pushed away and
forced my legs to carry me down the hallway and through my room door.

“Spirit?” Janey asked on a choked breath as she watched me slam the door
and sink down it until I was a crumpled bitter heap of disarray on the floor.
“Sweetie, hey…”
She was before me in seconds, pulling me into her soft embrace as she took
my pain and absorbed it like she always did when the sorrow became too
much, became an unbearable hostility within me; an inner hatred that
demolished my soul. The abhorrence of what I had done reducing me into a
chaotic crash of emotions, feelings and actual physical pain.
I clung to her, needing the grasp of love as I drained it from her and fed my
essence with it, my desperation in obtaining it from her saw my fingers
digging deep into her flesh. She cringed but gave me everything she had,
“Take it, I’m here Spirit, take it all, sweetie.”
I choked on the sob that was stabbing my chest as the pain in my gut broke
through in strangled dry heaves, “Ssshhh, sweetie, ssshhh.”
“I can’t… I can’t… breathe…”
Janey palmed my cheeks and turned my blue face to hers, her anguish and
fear tightening my lungs even more as I gasped at nothing. My vision was
blurring as my lungs screeched in shock, my brain was going into panic as
my throat constricted further.
“SPIRIT!!!” Was the last thing I heard as my mind finally shut down to the
pain and gave me the peace and calm that my soul craved.
 CHAPTER 5
BULK

“What the fuck?” Romeo barked at me as I kicked the door shut behind me
and raided the mini bar. “What’s got your back up?”
I shook my head in warning. The last thing I needed was his
condescending wise ass lecture.
“Bulk?”
“Back – the – fuck – off” I cautioned as I downed the whisky and refilled
the glass, “just back off.”
He held his hands out in front of him as he nodded simultaneously and
retreated a few steps, “Okay.”
I could feel his eyes on me as I approached the floor to ceiling window and
focused my gaze and attention on the night life below. People, happy people,
people without the pain of loss were strolling and laughing, their daily lives
cheery and carefree and I envied them, envied their untroubled and easy lives.
They didn’t appreciate how damn fucking fortunate they were. I hated the
bloody lot of them as they seemed to look up at me, laughing and pointing at
me as Shona’s voice played on repeat in my head.
“Chase, make me yours Chase, I need to be yours. Always yours.”

My god, I missed her. I ached like never before but the guilt at what I
didn’t understand clenched deep in my gut and strangled my want.
My want for a little sinner.
Fuck!
No, no, no.
I shook my head rapidly, dismissing the thoughts that ruled my head and
screamed as I launched my glass across the room and relished in the sound
and satisfaction of the shatter. It matched my soul.
“Whoa, mate, chill out.” Romeo grabbed my arm and before I realised
what I was doing, I had turned on him and smashed my fist into his jaw.

I stared at him, my eyes as wide as my mouth as he hit the ground with a

heavy thud. “Fuck! Shit, Romeo… I…”
 He clambered off the floor and rubbed his chin as he glared at me, “I don’t
know what the fuck is going on big guy, but get it together, sort your shit
out… now!”
I squeezed my eyes closed as I desperately fought the tightness in my
chest, “Shit, I…”
His hands wrapped around the tops of my arms as he stared straight into
me, “Breathe through it Bulk, use it to fight the fucking shit with.”
He thumped my chest gently as his eyes fired angrily, “What the hell has
happened?”
I rubbed my hands over my face and turned back to the window,
desperately trying to calm myself and my burn, “I… fuck…” I blew out a
breath as I rested my forehead on the cool glass, its chill soothing the heat in
my blood and stimulating my brain.
“She makes me feel… things; want, need, a… a God damn beat in my
chest again” I admitted, finally to myself as well as my friend.
“Spirit?”
I tilted my head and turned to him in surprise but he grinned and scoffed
slightly, “Mate, it’s written all over the pair of you. Even Stevie fuckin’
Wonder would be able to see it.”
I turned away; I didn’t want to see the acknowledgement in his face. I
wouldn’t acknowledge it; I refused to even accept it. “No… I can’t.”
“Why?”
“You know why, Romeo, because…”
“Because of Shona?” he asked quietly and her name from his lips in the
same conversation containing Spirit’s name hurt deeply, the guilt overtook
my heartbeat and forced it higher until it was a heavy banging thud in my
chest.
I looked at him but didn’t answer, he didn’t need me to.
“Bulk, how long has she been...”
“Don’t!” I spat as I lifted a hand to halt his painful words, “Don’t.”
He rolled his lips then sucked in a heavy breath but kept his troubled gaze
on me before it got too unbearable to look at and I turned back to the outside
commotions through the shield of the window and I frowned as an ambulance
pulled up with its lights blaring. Maybe Boss had cried himself to death?

The world continued as my ache immobilised me, it’s daily pattern of light
and dark, night and day, sunrise and sunset brought the agony of each painful
breath without my life force, my other half, the light in my own darkness.
“Even after seven years… I just… I just miss her, ya’ know… my heart
aches for her Romeo, my soul shivers without her warmth and I…”
“You what?” he asked softly from beside me as he came to rest on the
window with me, his bleak eyes holding me hostage until I said the words he
wanted to hear.
“I… I can’t feel again, it feels like… like I’m betraying her, giving a part
of what was hers to…”
“To Spirit?” he finished for me and I nodded slowly.
“Bulk, there’s nothing I can say that will help you come to terms with all
this; that, you have to do yourself but just think what Shona would want.
Would she want seven and more years of an ache that hurts you deep? No, I
didn’t know her well, but hell that woman had the purest of hearts and I
think… no, I know she wouldn’t want this for you; she’d want you to live
mate, fully. You’ve bedded other women, what’s so different about Spirit?”
I shrugged at him, frowning at the commotion outside our door as I turned
back to the window, “I… maybe, it’s just hard, not knowing what to do but
Spirit, she’s… Christ, she’s a mess Romeo, I can feel it in her and it’s
choking.”
“What’s the deal with Kenny and her?” Romeo asked as he walked
towards our door to see what the ruckus outside was about.
“Yeah, that’s a bit of weird shit too, I mean he…”
I paused as I watched Romeo’s eyes widen as he peered round the edge of
our door and into the hallway, “What is it?”
He shrugged then looked back at me, his brow furrowed as his eyes
darkened. “It looks like Spirit and Janey’s room, I can’t see properly.”
“What!”
Romeo moved out of the doorway before I took him with me in my rush to
find out what the fuck was happening.

Kenny was stood in Spirit’s doorway refusing entry to every fuck. Who the
hell was he to Spirit? What the hell gave him the right to rule her?
“Move!” I said with a glare as he refused to move his arm from blocking
my access.
He stared at me with a slight smirk, no reference to worry or concern at
Spirit’s condition on his face. “I asked you to move.”
He scrunched his nose and shook his head, “No, let the paramedics deal
with her, they don’t need your shit.”
“The fuck, Kenny? What’s happened anyway?”
His face darkened as his eyes strolled over my frame with a slight distaste
written in his expression, “The usual… She’s fucked.”
I closed my eyes and swallowed back the disappointment in Spirit. What
the hell was she playing at? Why did she need that shit? “Fuck, again?”
Kenny tipped his head and gazed at me, his eyes narrow and questioning
but full of ire and contempt and I sank my teeth into my bottom lip to stop the
mouth full of shit I wanted to give him.
“Again?”
I ignored him as I tried to get a glimpse at what was going off in the room.
Janey and two paramedics were crouched on the floor and I moved my head
slightly to catch a glimpse of Spirit.

She was sat up, her eyes half open but at least she was conscious and
looked okay, if a little pale. Her eyes caught mine and she swallowed before
looking away with shame as her tongue licked across her lips.
“Kenny?” Romeo shouted from behind us and I inwardly thanked the man
for his obvious diversion as Kenny turned around to see what he was needed
for.
I dipped under his arm and shot over to Spirit.
Her eyes widened on me and she tried to turn away again but the
paramedics clamped an oxygen mask over her face, denying her wish to look
at anything but me.
“What are you playing at Spirit?” I asked her softly. She didn’t need my
anger right now; that would come later.
Her eyes pooled and damn if it didn’t fuck the beat of my heart a little. She
hurt… and I hurt.
God damn!

The medics checked her over, one of them looking at her with obvious
disdain as he shone a light in her eyes. She squinted but used the inspection
as an excuse to remove her eyes from mine.
God, she was beautiful, even pale and gaunt with a plastic bloody mask
stuck to her face.
What the hell?
 I sighed and stood up, removing my gaze from hers and scanning their
room as a diversion for my thoughts.
“What have you taken?” the paramedic with the attitude problem barked at
her.
Her eyes shot to mine and I dragged in my frustration with her, she needed
to be honest and I didn’t want her holding back if she thought I would react
to her response.
I gave her a slight nod and she blinked a couple of times before she looked
back at the medic, “Coke.” Her eyes lowered to the floor when he scoffed
and shook his head.
“Just do your job, mate. You’re not here to fuckin’ judge.” I fixed my eyes
on him until he backed down and nodded slightly, “And I’ll tell you this
once; this ends up in the media and I’ll make sure you never fuckin’ work
again, got that?”
He glared at me but nodded again before turning back to Spirit. “You seem
okay, just a reaction to the cocaine. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you
about the dangers of…”
“It wasn’t the coke that set her off, it was…” Janey started but Spirit
interrupted with a quick glance at me.
“No” she said quickly as her tongue glided over her top teeth and her nose
twitched.
He turned to Janey and proceeded to inform her of how to watch for signs
of another reaction before both the medics packed up their shit and walked
away.

“Everybody out, I need a word with Spirit.” Kenny barked at no-one in

particular as the ambulance crew left the room.
“Uh-uh.” I opposed with a snide smile. There was no way I was leaving
her with this arrogant arse; he’d flip her shit on her.
“Bulk, just get the fuck out.” He stood up and invaded my personal space
but I stood my ground and sneered at him.
“Nope” I shot back with a small chuckle. The look on his face curled the
corner of my lips and I wondered if anybody had ever stood up to this self-
righteous fuck.
Eric, River’s Ink’s bassist, walked over to Kenny and grabbed his arm, his
long tattooed fingers gripping with a warning, “Come on Ken, leave her be,
she doesn’t need this right now.”
 Kenny looked over at Spirit still sat on the floor with her back resting on
the wall but she lowered her eyes and chewed on her bottom lip with vigour.
I could feel the fear rolling off her, the worry and anguish at her friends’
dominance and I tipped my head at her in question. Her eyes flashed in
warning before she flicked them at Eric with a tiny smile of thanks as he led
Kenny from the room.

Janey gave me a slight smile as she disappeared with the others and I
crouched down in front of Spirit.
She palmed the floor and tried to heave herself up but I shook my head at
her and cupped her cheek softly, her smooth skin tingled under my touch and
a slight shiver ran through me. I frowned at the sensation but kept my eyes on
her, holding her hostage under my order.
“Why?”
She gulped but didn’t disengage from me. Her eyes seemed to be pleading
with me for something. A reprieve? Forgiveness, maybe?
Her bottom lip was being chewed to death and I slid my thumb over it to
release it from her teeth. She sucked in a huge breath and closed her eyes as a
solitary tear rolled down her cheek.
“Shush, honey.”
Her eyes opened widely as a choked strangled sound vibrated through her.
“Hold me” she whispered and I closed my eyes as my heart stuttered with her
heartbroken plea.
I closed my eyes and inhaled her soothing scent as she clambered onto my
lap, not giving me a chance to deny her request. Her unique fragrance
reminded me of a waterfall, the fresh and natural trace of something floral
behind the crisp and refreshing aroma of her soft skin.
Her arms wrapped around my body as she curled her tiny frame into me,
her soft curves moulding against my hard ones.
Oh Jesus Christ, there was no way I was going to survive this without
being able to touch her, kiss her, taste the sweetness of her and feel the
delicate flick of her tongue on mine.

She mumbled something under her breath and I nudged her head gently
with my chin, “What?”
“You smell like… so good” she breathed as her lips settled on my neck and
the soft wisps of her breath on my stubbled skin caused my cock to stir in
approval.
Fuck, not now.

“Yeah?” I asked her quietly.

Her head nodded lightly and her nose buried into the space under my ear.
Christ, my breath stunted and my heartbeat sped up, forcing my blood more
rapidly into my dick and I groaned low as she started rocking in my lap, her
delicious softness sliding almost unbearably against my hard on.
“Spirit, honey… don’t… shit, carry on…”
She moaned as her mouth opened and she nipped my earlobe, “Oh, you
feel so good” she murmured as she ground harder on me. “I need you, Bulk,
please…”
“Fuck… Spirit. You have no idea how much I want this right now but
you… Oh God, baby, right there…”
Her hand slid between us and her fingers curled along the contours of my
cock, her small hand rubbing with an almost desperation.
“God, you’re so big.”
I smiled to myself as she moaned again and her other hand gripped the
material on the back of my shirt as she continued to slide herself over her
own hand and my dick. “Harder Spirit, make yourself come honey, all over
me.”
“Oh…” she blew out a breath on my neck as she licked a trail across my
jaw and up to my lips, “Kiss me.”
I tilted my head at her order and lifted a brow as I clamped hold of her hips
to put a halt on her pleasure. “Who’s in charge here, Spirit?”
Her eyes flicked over my face, pausing at my mouth before they rose back
up to my eyes. “You are” she conceded as she butted against my hands,
trying to release my hold on her so she could continue her relentless need to
come.
“Damn right, baby. Now, you kiss me.”
She groaned as I released her hips and she returned to driving herself on
me. My cock was so hard for her I wouldn’t be surprised if the big guy
opened the zip to my jeans himself and impaled this little sinner riding him
hard.

“Bulk” she breathed with an echo in her chest, her need and yearning
forcing her harder on me as she hovered her lips over mine. Her pussy was
dripping, its moistness soaking my jeans and I growled as she took my mouth
under hers and her fingers slid the zip on my trousers, releasing my pulsing
cock to her disposal.
Her soft lips moved so exquisitely I couldn’t hold back the need for more
as I drove my hands into her hair and locked her down so I could power into
her beautiful kiss. The soft muscle of her tongue flicked against mine and
drove me wild. She could kiss, both desire and deliverance raged into me as
she worshipped my mouth.

Her warm wet flesh slid over my cock and she manoeuvred until the crown
was sliding over her hard clit. “Fuck, Spirit, come on.”
“God, Bulk. I need you inside me.”
Her eyes were on mine, begging, pleading with me. The yearn and need
exposed had my cock demanding more as my gut pulsed with a fire that I had
never felt before… ever.
What the hell?
“No!” I shook my head as I pushed her off my lap.
She stared at me with wide eyes as a blush erupted all over her pretty face.
“I can’t… you…”
I pulled myself off the floor and shoved my dick back in my shorts, cursing
myself as I struggled to pull the zip over my hard erection.
Jesus Christ!

I left her on the floor, her knees drawn up to her chest to hide her
embarrassment as I slammed the door behind me.
“I am so sorry, baby, God, so sorry…” I whispered to the ghost that never
replied. “I never… I don’t feel that way, I don’t baby, I just… she just…”
Jesus Holy Christ!!!
 CHAPTER 6
SPIRIT

I watched as his body moved on the stage, his whole aura in the zone; the
zone that overtook with the first touch of the strings; the control that the
guitar took, like another entity coexisting with part of your soul, the part that
almost feels sexual, arousing, with the first pluck of the strings.
His eyes were closed as he relished in the freedom of playing, the release
of emotion, feeling and knowing Bulk, the heartache of his life.
My God, he was stunning; utterly breath-taking and I groaned inwardly as
his kiss ravaged my senses, the memory of his hard tongue driving deep into
my mouth, like he had wanted to both devour me whole and soothe my ache.

‘I’m going down underneath the memories,

They drown the hate and…’

I wondered if Bulk had written these lyrics as his lips moved over his mic,
his soft tones backing Jax’s rough vocals through the roar of the crowd.

‘What’s it to be? I hear your pleas,

They light my laughter, the laughter you took when you quit…’

I envied the rush Bulk would be feeling. Mine had ditched now River’s Ink
had finished their set and moved off to hand over the reins to Room 103.

I closed my eyes as Bulk consumed my every thought, my body craving

his soft touch and my mind, his dominant control.
I needed a fix to bring my blood back up to the high, to erase the pain my
brain was tormenting me with; its constant mocking laughter persistently
driving me insane.

I scanned the backstage area looking for Kenny. The last thing I needed
was his bloody guard on me.
The whole place was packed with Room 103 groupies and maybe a few of
River’s Ink fans. A smile caught my eye and as I looked up, I smiled back at
the bands tech guy that had his eyes glued on me.
“Spirit,” he greeted as he approached me.
“Hey, Hank.”
He sighed and stroked a finger down my arm, his eyes never leaving mine
as his touch sent a slight repulsed shudder through me. He tipped his head
questioningly and I gave him an almost invisible nod.
“Ten?”
I nodded again before he turned and ventured towards the toilet area.

‘You look like you know what trouble means,

Swinging those hips, rockin’ it hard and obscene…’

I scoffed at the lyrics to Room 103’s new song as I swung my hips to the
beat on my way to the loo.

‘Hittin’ the sky, your forever need to feel the high,

Your constant greed to self-indulge…’

My stride locked mid-step and I turned with a frown and a pang in my

chest.
Bulk was staring at me through the gap leading backstage, his eyes stern
and severe as he mouthed Jax’s words to me.
What the fuck!
My teeth ravaged my bottom lip as my anger surged with the
sanctimonious expression on Bulk’s face and his silent words.

‘You feel it, drown in it, bleed with it,

It takes you higher, brings you deeper,
Then kicks your ass and deals you shit
Whoa, whoa, whoa…
You’re on fire, on fire, on fire
You need the high cos’ you’re down on your shit, baby…’

I swallowed the lump in my throat and tipped my head at him, narrowing

my eyes as a rage coursed through me.
Just who the hell did he think he was? Judging me? He knew shit all about
me, my life, my pain… my need to sink, or float, whichever way you looked
at it.
I gave him a sugar sweet smile and blew him a sarcastic kiss as I turned
and took myself across the open space and into the disabled toilet where I
knew Hank would be waiting with the little white bag of pleasure; the ounce
of oblivion that was always my companion, a friend that felt my pain and
took it from me like no other could. My ally in a world of enemies.

***

“God damn! You stupid little bitch!”

I opened my eyes and blinked as Kenny’s face came into focus, “Hey,
Ken.”
I grinned at him, his pale thin face swimming before me as his lips seemed
to ripple and take on a mind of their own as they ever so slowly moved and
morphed.
He shook his head and glared at me, making me laugh harder as his eyes
danced with a blaze and a comical twitch. “You look funny” I chuckled as I
pulled myself up from the floor.
The room tipped and I wondered if we were having an earthquake. I
grabbed onto the wall for support as I turned back to Kenny, “Quick, hold on,
the earth’s moving. God’s having an orgasm…” I laughed hard and loud as
my palms slid down the wall and I face planted the floor. Cool.

I grumbled when my head was whipped back with a stern grab of my hair
and my body seemed to fly backwards until my face hit the wall with a
sickening thud.
“You will fucking learn” Kenny raged as he grabbed the top of my arms
and flung me round to face him.
He looked funny; his face was bright red and his narrow eyes pirouetted
around his head until they seemed to sway across his wacky face.
My breath caught and I choked on some bile as Kenny’s fist connected
with my cheekbone.
“Ow” I murmured as his hand wrapped around my neck and squeezed.
“Are you trying to kill me?” I laughed as his hand tightened further,
restricting my airway and making my lungs squeal in protest.
I could feel his hard erection digging in my thigh as he squashed me
between his body and the wall. “Oooh Diddy Dick wants to play?”
“Shut – the – fuck – up!” he snarled as his lips curled and his mouth rested
on my neck as his teeth sank into the flesh on my shoulder through the thin
material of my Emphatic T-shirt.
“Kenny, what are you doing?” I mumbled as I squirmed beneath him. He
was starting to worry me as his hands fisted the cotton of my shirt and
pinched at my skin. I gasped and pushed further into the wall as his hand
came to rest on the inside of my thigh. “Kenny!”
I squeezed my thighs together but they quickly dropped open when Kenny
gave me a swift stern knee to my groin. “No, I might be high but you’re
going nowhere near my bits.”
“Like you’re in a position to refuse, like you would anyway. You’re a little
whore Spirit, you know you want it.”
I shook my head and glared at him, “I’m not a whore.”
I pushed at him as he scoffed but his body was solid and unyielding and I
dug my elbows between us. His hands grabbed at them and slammed them
against the wall, the action pushing my chest into his, triggering a groan and
a flutter of Kenny’s eyelids.
Fuck this!
I raised my knee to butt him in the balls but lost my balance and tipped
sideways. My hands grabbed Kenny’s shirt reflexively and I pulled us both to
the floor.
Scrambling around below him, I tried to manoeuvre out from under him
but his fingers grabbed my hair and slammed my head back hard on the floor.
Cool, I actually saw stars and wondered if I was actually floating.
Cool coconuts.

“You asked for this, Spirit” he growled in my ear as his hand harshly
clasped my tit and dug in painfully.
Now, I was all for pain during sex but this was a nasty pain, not meant to
pleasure me and it pissed me off quite a bit.
“I didn’t ask, I’m sure I didn’t” I frowned at him as his lip curled with
disgust.
“You are so fucking high; you don’t even know what you want.”
What? Didn’t I?
Oh!
I shrugged at him as he fumbled around with the hem of my mini denim
skirt, pushing it high over my hips.
I didn’t like it, Kenny wasn’t who I wanted but he had said I had asked for
it, so I must have, right?
“But…” I mumbled as his fingers brushed over the edge of my knickers
and started pulling them down. “I really don’t think I asked Ken, I don’t even
like you so I don’t think I would want to fuck you.”
Damn, I wish I hadn’t taken the entire bag now, I couldn’t think straight. I
was sure I hadn’t asked, positive. But Kenny said…
“Ow!” I groaned again when his knuckles bit hard on my cheek again.
“Kenny, I know I like a bit of pain, but that really hurt… I think.”
“Will you shut the fuck up and open your fucking legs!” he snarled and my
lip quivered.
He was hurting me; my head was swimming as the coke floated around my
blood stream, causing a little laugh alongside the tears that began to roll
down my face. “Really Kenny, I don’t…”
“OPEN YOUR WHORE LEGS, BITCH!!
How fucking rude!
“No!” I barked back, now angry as I started to sob harder. The coke high
was dropping and my gut was twirling with revulsion. “You’re making me
feel sick Kenny.”
He ignored me.
Bad idea.
I warned him!

Vomit projected across his face as my stomach pumped in protest against

Kenny’s touch.
He gasped a shocked gurgle as my sick hit him and a large hand grabbed
his shirt and flung him across the room.
I rolled over onto my hands and knees as my gut rebelled at Kenny’s
sickening mauling.
“Hey,” I mumbled to Bulk as I watched Kenny sail through the air. “Kenny
just did that to me, it must be a popular move” I laughed as I continued to
spew over the plush hotel carpet.
I closed my eyes and blew out a steadying breath as I heard some dull
thumps, curses and groans but none of it really registered as I sank back to
the floor and curled into a ball.
My cheek hurt. Why did my face hurt? I couldn’t remember… very
strange.
 CHAPTER 7
BULK

My heart ached as I lay her gently on her bed. My fingers automatically

stroked along the bruising to her cheekbone, causing me to wince at the slight
tightness her face displayed with even a soft touch.
Motherfucker!
I wanted to kill the bastard.
Watching him maul her, his filthy fucking hands clawing at her had
brought a feeling, an emotion so raw coursing through me I hadn’t even
realised I was killing him until Romeo had pulled me off.
He hurt her, he hurt my little sinner and God forbid, I’d make the fucker
pay, hard.

Spirit mumbled something sounding like ‘Danny’ and I titled my ear

towards her soft lips but she was silent again.
This woman would be the death of me, I knew it; I could feel it in my
bones. She already empowered something in me, something I didn’t like and
had no control over. An emotion of pure… God knows what, but I felt it, felt
it surging through my bloodstream like an electric current, lightening both
desire and a need to protect. Making my heart beat again.
Shit!

I watched her as she groaned and flipped, sweat pouring off her as her tiny
body seemed to convulse and fit. I knew she wasn’t actually fitting, just
twitching as her muscles rebelled against the drop of the coke.
God damn her addiction to it. She needed off but I wasn’t sure I was the
one to drag her through it. Spirit was damaged, it was written like a curse all
over her. It seeped from her pores like steam off the puddles on a hot rainy
day, virtually visible as it flowed from her.
“Danny” she moaned again and my brow pinched.
Who the fuck was Danny? Did she have a boyfriend? A lover?
Fuck!
“Bulk…”
 Okay, that felt better and a small smug smile lifted my lips as I went to
grab a cool cloth from her bathroom.
My teeth sank into my lower lip when I spotted white powder and a credit
card on the vanity, the rolled up twenty blowing slightly in the breeze from
the window. My anger surged and I stormed back into the bedroom, grabbing
her forearms tightly as I shook her and called her name in a desperation to
wake her so I could give her hell for trying to ruin what spirit she had left. I
couldn’t seem to control myself, my absolute fury at her weakness driving me
into a frenzied need to punish her.

“Bulk!” Janey shouted from behind me as she ran over and pulled me off
Spirit, “What the hell are you doing?”
“Look at her, fucking look at her!” I yelled back at Janey who was now
settling Spirit back down on the bed, her hand stroking the soft hair off her
face before she kissed her forehead and sighed with a heavy sadness.
The action calmed me somewhat. Shit, I shouldn’t have shaken her, Kenny
had caused her enough pain and I hissed through my teeth as I fisted the wall
in a need to rid the anger at both Spirit and myself.
Janey grasped my arm and dragged me out of the room before seating me
on the sofa and pouring us both a measure of whisky.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about Spirit, Bulk” she said sombrely as she
handed me my drink and settled beside me on the couch.
“Then tell me” I urged prior to knocking back the whole of the glass and
leaned forward to help myself to the bottle Janey had placed on the small
table in front of us.
“It’s not for me to tell you her story but you need to know she really
struggles with herself. Go easy on her, Kenny gives her enough grief and to
be honest, she doesn’t need it from you as well.”
She eyed me darkly over the rim of her glass as she tipped her head back
and downed her own drink in one.
“What’s the score with her and Kenny?”
I leaned back on the sofa and rested my ankle on the opposite knee as
Janey tipped her head slightly and scoped me out. I could read the hesitancy
in her eyes but she sighed again, “He… he has something over her that Spirit
really doesn’t need… exposing. I hate him, Bulk, with a passion but as he
regulates her he guards her and at the moment, he’s all she’s got in that
department.”
I blew out a breath and reached in my pocket for my smokes. The room
was non-smoking but fuck it.
Janey eyed me as I lit up and blew the smoke into the air, watching it swirl
and dance in the streak of moonlight through the window, “Why her need for
coke?”
She curled her tongue between her teeth and shot a glance at the bedroom
doorway before locking me down with a warning stare, “It’s not the coke you
need to be concerned about. Yes, her usage seems to have grown over the
previous few days but usually she only hits when she’s real bad, once a
month or so. It’s the Jack she has a… penchant for.”
I rubbed my face with my fingers as I stood from the couch and stubbed
my cig out in the plate of rocks decorating the table, “I’ll keep an eye on her
tonight. You get some sleep, you look shattered.”
She sighed and gave me a grateful smile, nodding her thanks as she headed
towards her bedroom.
“Bulk…” she murmured as I was about to enter Spirit’s room.
I looked at her, the sad expression on her face bringing forth a slight
shimmer of my own sorrow. “Please don’t hate her for this, she is the most
amazing person I know but she… she’s broken, completely shattered by her
life and…” She shrugged unable to finish the sentence but I understood and
nodded, giving her a slight smile.
“Yeah.”
She smiled and swallowed harshly as a single tear slid from the corner of
her eye but gave me a tight nod before escaping to the confines of her room.

My chest tightened as I glanced at Spirit. Her small body was still

twitching slightly but her face was a lot more relaxed and easy.
She was utterly beautiful and I cursed myself for thinking so. Shona had
been stunning, her long blonde hair had framed her sculptured cheekbones
and her twinkling blue eyes had lifted her whole pretty face but Spirit, Spirit
was striking. Her long black waves reflected the life in her pure green eyes.
The soft slope to her petite nose brought on an urge to nibble the tip and her
mouth, Jesus, her lips were so pink and soft but sinful at the same time. A
little sinner. My little sinner.

I stripped down to my boxers and slid under the duvet behind her, my arms
immediately embracing her tight frame and pulling her into the contours of
my hard body… my growing hard body.
Fuck, not now.
I couldn’t help myself. One touch and my dick reacted and begged for
action where Spirit was concerned.
“Not now, big guy” I whispered as I lowered my hand to the button on
Spirit’s jean skirt and popped it, pushing the denim down her body until it
slipped over her tiny feet and dropped off the bottom of the bed onto the
floor, leaving her in skimpy little knickers and a short t-shirt.
That was better; I could feel her softness and I groaned quietly as she
snuggled into me, the roundness of her pert lace covered little bottom rubbing
against my cock and triggering a swift bite to my bottom lip to hold back the
urge to just slide into her heat; feel her moist warmth around me, sheathing
me tightly and driving me wild with the friction of her soft pussy.
“Fuck!” I hissed when Spirit twitched and my dick slipped into the crack of
her ass.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Maybe this hadn’t been a good idea and I closed my eyes as I spread my
palm over the curve of her stomach and pulled her closer.
“Oh, honey” I breathed as I nudged closer and rubbed the tip of my nose
on the soft rise of skin behind her ear. “You smell so good… so fucking
sweet.”
“Mmmm” she mumbled and rocked her hips slightly causing a rub on my
foreskin.
Fuck, she carried on like this and I was gonna come in the crevice of her
luscious arse.

My chest twinged and a slight tightness settled in my lower gut. My blood

was literally throbbing and my brain sizzled under the electric current of my
hunger, a hankering and a yearning for something, someone that also scared
the fuck out of me. I was terrified at what I felt and the agonised feeling of
betrayal tormented my soul.
“Chase, make me yours Chase, I need to be yours. Always yours.”
“You’ll always be mine, baby, always.” I whispered to the room as I
released my hold on Spirit. Sliding out of bed, I climbed into the chair in the
corner of the room, pulling the throw from the back of it and covered my
shivering body now I had lost Spirit’s warmth. “I’ll never let you go, Shona. I
promise, baby.”
 CHAPTER 8
SPIRIT

My head pounded and my face throbbed.

Bloody fuck!
I felt like the whole of River’s Ink had crawled into my body and practised
their latest song on my organs.
“Oh God!” I mumbled as I swung my legs out of bed and flattened my feet
on the thick carpet, curling my toes into the soft pile to take the attention off
my head.
I was gonna have to cut out the coke. This was too much. Why the hell I
ached all over, I had no idea but if it felt like this then it wasn’t worth it. The
Jack would do.
I squinted against the light in the room as I peeled my eyes open and my
brows rose into my hairline as my eyes settled on the hot, very hot, body
slumped in my chair.
What the hell was Bulk doing here?

My jaw dropped as my eyes perused every inch of the firm chest on

display.
Holy nun’s knickers, he was fucking edible and my tongue swept over my
bottom lip to mop up the drool as my belly ached in a primal want.
My breathing deepened as my gaze lowered over his tight abs and the
sprinkling of pubic hair trailing up to his belly button from beyond the depths
of his boxers.
“Sweet Jesus” I breathed as I leaned over and settled my palms on the
floor, dropping quietly onto all fours as I crept across the carpet towards the
tempting magnetism drawing me in.

I came to a stop at his feet and moved the throw which had pooled around
his ankles, then gently placed a palm over his shin. His skin tingled beneath
me and I swallowed as my body throbbed with a need so wanton and extreme
I felt dizzy.
I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, not after the way he had pushed me away
yesterday, but my longing controlled my actions, treacherously taking what it
demanded as I slid my hand up Bulk’s leg until I reached his firm thigh.
“So fucking beautiful” I whispered as I leant into him and nuzzled my nose
into his hard stomach, pulling in a deep breath of his masculine scent.
I was going crazy; my body was boiling as my womb and pussy shouted
demands at me, telling me to climb onto his lap, take his hard cock and ride it
fast and rough.
Fuck!

He moaned slightly and rolled his hips under me. I shot a glance up to his
face but he was still sound asleep and I risked a quick stroke of my tongue
over his hot skin. He tasted of sex, hot and manly and I couldn’t contain the
tiny puff of air that shimmered over his tanned stomach as it left my mouth.
“Spirit?”
I jolted back as I caught Bulk’s dark gaze on me.
“Sorry… sorry, I just, uhh…”
I bit my lip to shut off my rambling and backed away, cringing at being
caught and looking like a sex starved nymphomaniac.
He continued to silently watch me and I gulped when his eyes narrowed
and darkened with a fire lighting the depths behind his irises.

We were both silent as Bulk’s brooding gaze swept over me. “Sorry” I
repeated as my cheeks flushed with shame.
He tipped his head and stroked his long finger over his bottom lip. My eyes
dropped to watch and my lips parted as I remembered what that finger was
capable of.
“Stand up” he ordered suddenly and I blinked at him with confusion.
Was he angry at me?
“Stand up, Spirit.”

I swallowed my slight fear and did as he asked, rising to my full height as

he remained seated in the chair. I instinctively placed my clasped hands in
front of my knickers, hiding my dignity as his gaze heated my face.
“Don’t shield yourself.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his
wide knees as his eyes blazed and his tongue peeked out to swipe over his
bottom lip, “Never hide a part of yourself from me, Spirit. Your body is the
epitome of femininity. Your soft curves and pretty tits drive me wild. You are
fucking exquisite; don’t ever conceal that beauty, ever.”
Holy fuck and cream cheese, I think I just came in my pants.

I slowly shuffled my hands to rest on the side of my thighs and Bulk settled
back in the chair again with a small smile.
“So fucking pretty. Remove your shirt.”
My pussy near whistled in approval at his stern demand and I blew out a
tiny breath as I gripped the hem of my shirt and lifted it over my head,
dropping it to the floor beside me before closing my eyes as I revealed my
bra-less chest to him.
“Fuck – me!” he hissed and my eyes snapped open.
My jaw dropped and I whimpered when I found him with his large cock in
his fist, stroking his hand rhythmically up and down the long length as his
gaze scorched my skin and fired my lust higher.
I could now see the piercings I had felt when I had blown him a few
months ago. He had a silver hoop through the crown of his cock and a single
stud at the base.
Wow, just fucking wow and the sight of them had my pussy flooding with
desire.

“Touch yourself.”
My eyes widened but his remained wicked and hard as he tipped his head
with a quirk to his brow at my hesitance. “I said – touch yourself. Do it…
now. Show me some of your sin, baby.”
I licked my dry lips and slowly moved my hand across the front of my
thigh towards the apex of my thighs. I kept my eyes on his masturbation, a
jealousness bubbling in my gut at his fingers. I wanted my mouth there. I
wanted to taste him again, to flick my tongue over the silver ring and devour
all that he released. Consume his salty warm cum and feed my need with it.

I moaned low and my eyes fluttered as my fingers reached the triangle of

lace and dipped inside. I gasped at the heat I was producing, I was on fire and
I opened my eyes and looked down at myself just to check I wasn’t actually
smoking.
“That’s it Spirit, watch as you fuck yourself.” Bulk’s rasp had my eyes
snapping back up to his although my lip quivered as I slid a finger over my
swollen clit and shivered at the pleasure sensation that raged through my
system and fired into my brain with a spark of ecstasy.
“Oh” I breathed as I ventured further and found the wet expanse of hot
flesh.
Jesus Christ, I had never been so turned on, so wet and blistering as I was
right now. With my hand in my knickers, Bulk’s heated gaze on me, his fist
fucking his rigid cock and the soft light to the room, I knew I wouldn’t be
able to hold back my orgasm for long.
I slipped in another finger, pumping them harder as my need deepened and
my body vibrated in the hunt for its release.
“One finger, Spirit.” Bulk commanded and I stared at him in a stunned
silence.
“W..What?”
“One – finger” he repeated slowly and I pouted, literally dropping my
bottom lip in a full on sulk.
“But, I won’t be able to come with just one” I argued as my chest heaved
in shock.
What the hell was this?

He stood slowly, his teeth ravaging his bottom lip as the spark of irritation
descended over his glazed eyes.
I took a step back as he took a step forward and we continued this way
until my back hit the wall and a wicked smile hit Bulk’s face when he knew
he had me cornered.
“Nowhere to go, little sinner?”
“Fuck you” I growled back as he took the last step and my body was
pressed hard against the smoothness of the wall.
I gasped as his fingers gripped my hips and he pulled me against his hard,
sculptured, amazingly nice body.
“Oh” I moaned when his lips framed my chin and his teeth grazed me.
“Do you want to come?” he asked with a small hint of sarcasm, “Do you
want to come hard, Spirit?”
I mumbled something incomprehensible but nodded to clarify my answer
when I couldn’t form a single word. My body was choking on pheromones as
my pussy flooded with desire.
“From now on, every single orgasm you have belongs to me. Mine to feel,
mine to watch, mine to taste and definitely mine to deliver. Touch yourself
again without my permission and you’ll pay the price. How much do you
think a quick cop of your pussy is worth, baby? Ten spanks? Twelve? Even
fifteen?”
I frowned slightly but he trailed his tongue across my cheek bone and
rested his mouth at my ear, “You hear me, Spirit, mine.” He placed a small
soft kiss behind my ear as his fingers slid into the edge of my knickers, “I
own your pleasure.”

“Oh God” I whined as he started to slide my knickers down my legs and

knelt before me, his face coming to rest bang in line with my lady parts.
“Your painted pussy is fucking beautiful, Spirit. It makes me hard.”
I just nodded, unable to breathe never mind answer him.
“Hold on to my shoulders and support your back on the wall” he said as he
looked up at me.
I frowned at him, totally confused as to why he wanted me to take this
stance but he gave me a stern nod of authority and I did as he asked.
My eyes widened when he slid his shoulders between my legs so I was
practically mounting his face and started to slide me up the wall.
“Bulk!” I cried as my body climbed higher and higher.
He ignored my protests as he came to stand to his full height and the top of
my head skimmed the ceiling. The fear of being so high raised my arousal
with the danger and excitement just as Bulk knew it would and I grabbed
onto his head firmly with the first stroke of his tongue over the swollen flesh
between my thighs.
“Shit, Fuck and God, more…” I moaned as my head flopped back and
thudded the wall with a soft thump.
“Fuck baby, you taste like pure sin. Your pussy looks like pure sin and you
make me wanna be immoral.”
“More…” I mumbled as Bulk’s tongue curled around my clit and flicked at
the hard muscle causing my thighs to spasm and tighten around his head.
He gave me what I needed, driving his tongue deep inside me then shifting
and transferring his indulgence to the heart of my pleasure.
His hands moved until he was cupping my bum and his thumbs reached in
to pull apart my labia, opening my parts wide for him to enhance his pleasure
attack.
“Bulk…” I groaned as I flattened my palms on the ceiling and pushed
harder onto Bulk’s mouth as I started to rock on his face, my back squeaking
on the wall with my rapid friction and hard ride of his tongue, “Please…
more….”
“Give it up, Spirit. I wanna taste your cum and I wanna feel you drip down
my face.”
My back arched as my orgasm ripped through the very centre of my soul
and I gasped for air as my whole body tightened and fired shots of white hot
ecstasy into each and every single nerve ending situated in my weak body.
“Fucking rabbits…” I mumbled as my brain shut down and my random
incoherent thoughts came out as scattered babble. I could feel Bulk’s
shoulders heave with his laughter but I was too dazed to care.

I grabbed at his flesh as he slid me back down the wall and I pursed my
lips with reverence as he settled my pussy against his raging hard cock. “Oh,
okay, we actually gonna fuck this time?” I asked with a delighted smile.
His lazy smile and naughty eyes fired my arousal back into the play zone
as he inched me further down until the tip of his cock nudged inside me.
“You want me, Spirit? You want me hard and deep? So deep that you’ll
feel my cock in your soul?” he breathed as his face settled on my shoulder
and his lips started to worship my hot sweaty skin.
“Holy candles Bulk, you’re never gonna fit inside me” I gasped as his girth
spread me wide and tight.
We both held our breaths as Bulk lowered me little by little until his crown
knocked on my womb for entry and his piercings etched into the tight walls
of my vagina, brushing all the right places and exciting my pussy to new
depths.
The pain was exquisite, like a roaring fire inside me and I slammed my
legs around his waist and pulled him further in, giving his arse a push with
my feet.
“Holy shit, Spirit. I’ve never… no one has ever taken so much… fuck,
baby, you feel amazing… fucking Christ…”
Now who was babbling!

He clamped hold of my waist as I took him all, the aching pleasure inside
me burning a pain through me and making my blood shiver as a strangled cry
erupted from both of us.
“Are you okay?” he asked through clenched teeth and I answered him with
a bite on his bottom lip.
One hand yanked my head back by my hair as the other lifted me back off
him. He groaned loud and slammed me back down heavily as he bucked
upwards to meet my union.
“Fuck yes! More…” I pleaded with a growl and was promptly rewarded to
another few gruelling slams, repeated hard mind-blowing drives onto him
which shot intense bolts of pleasure straight from my pussy, up my spine and
into my brain.
I came instantaneously. A scream tore through me as Bulk arched his back
and snarled through his own release.
“Spirit, fuck, Spirit…” he yelled as he continued to drive deep inside me in
his mission to thoroughly empty his balls.
I was mesmerised by the pleasure on his face as his eyes screwed shut, his
jaw clenched and a sound so primal and rapturous broke through him.

A grin lit his handsome face before his eyes opened and his gaze smiled as
well. “Hey…” he whispered as he softly knocked the tip of my nose with his
own.
“You are so fucking beautiful” I whispered back.
I watched as his adam’s apple bobbed and his smile dropped as an intense
expression covered his features. “You make me feel beautiful” he whispered
again and something inside me stuttered and I shook my head.
“That’s because you don’t know me.”
He scoffed but didn’t alter his expression, “Your soul is so fucking
amazing it makes me wanna beg for absolution.”
I shook my head again as a fierce pain exploded in my chest, “You deserve
someone better than me.”
“Why do you think so low of yourself?” he asked with a sad countenance
as he traced the edge of my hairline on my forehead with a soft finger and
brushed a rebellious strand of hair away.
“Because I’m lower than the devil’s minions, Bulk, that’s why.”
“You’re not a bad person, Spirit. Even I can feel that in you.”
I swallowed back the tears that wanted to flow with this sweet man’s words
but he didn’t know, neither could he ever know. “I am bad, Bulk. I…”

I placed my palms on his shoulders and lifted myself up and off him,
wincing at the burn before he took a step back and gently lowered me to the
floor, “Spirit, whatever you think makes you bad, it isn’t…”
“Stop it!” I spat out as I grabbed at my knickers from the floor. “You don’t
know… you don’t know!”
A horrible realisation imploded in my brain when I felt Bulk’s cum start to
slide down my thigh. “Oh My God…”
I froze as I stared wide eyed at him, panic starting to detonate around my
senses as I fought for my next breath. “You… you didn’t use a condom, you
didn’t use…”
I couldn’t breathe, everything was starting to swim before me in a terror,
“Oh no, no, no.”
“Hey, calm down. I’m sorry, I should’ve...”
“You stupid fool,” I raged as my fists connected with his chest and I
winced as my knuckles bounced off his iron muscle. “I can’t be pregnant…
Oh God… Noooo…”
My chest heaved as I gulped at the lack of oxygen in the air.
Oh fuck, this was bad; this was bad in epic proportions. I couldn’t get
pregnant, I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t allow it, God wouldn’t allow it. He
would make me pay. Pay horribly for my past…
“Honey…” Bulk protested as he went to take hold of my hands.
“GET OUT!!!” I screamed as horror iced its way through my bloodstream.
“Spirit?”
“Noooo” I cried as my tears won the fight and started to track their way
through my misery and out of my eyes with a torrent of frightened and
anguished cries.
“Spirit!” he repeated, “It’s okay. I’m sorry, yes it was my fault. I got
carried away but…”
“No buts, you stupid twat. Do you even begin to realise what…”
He just stared at me with wide eyes and a lax jaw. Stupid fucking man.
Oh fucking fairies, what the hell was I gonna do?
Chemist! Yes, I needed a chemist quick.
I scurried around, finding my skirt and pulling random things from the
drawers as I looked for some socks so my boots didn’t rub.
“Spirit, would you listen…”
“No, you fucking listen. I can’t get pregnant Bulk, I just can’t. God hasn’t
forgiven me enough…”
“What the fuck are you on about?” he growled as he tried to make a grab
for me but I shook him off and pulled on my boots.
“I… I killed her…. I killed her…” I rambled as I stared through the
window. My thoughts taking on a complete new pattern from five seconds
ago as Danny swam in my mind. His face, his crumpled face… then his fist
and I winced as pain exploded through my receptors and caused a bleed to
my heart.
I shook my head as I turned to grab my bag and shot through the door,
completely ignoring Bulk’s startled gaze on me. His eyes wide and full of
query and what looked suspiciously like hatred.
 CHAPTER 9
BULK

‘Feel it, the heat, the blaze,

It’s coming fast, trying to burn, to sear, to corrupt,
Oh, oh, ohhhhhh,
Give up the chase, it’s gonna get ya’ anyway,
Gonna burn straight through your soul.’

I swallowed as my body reacted to Spirit’s movements on stage. She was

pure sex, pure sin with her fingers on the Fender and her spirit raising the
roof on the place. Her whole essence drove me wild as her tight arse in her
even tighter black jeans rocked my brain and hardened my cock.
She leaned back against Kenny and I growled as I eyed him. His black eye
and split lip bought a smile but the way he rubbed his arse against Spirit’s
drove my gut into turmoil.
I was gobsmacked at the way she grinded against him as she played and he
roared out the lyrics. Could she not remember what he had done not twenty
four hours ago? Did she not hate him for trying to get his dick in her pussy
without permission?
Holy fucking Christ.
I wanted to kill him.

‘There’s nothing left to take,

Nothing left to give back,
I’m an empty shell, purged with the corruption,
Hardened with the hatred,
Surviving through the atrocity,
Decaying with the brutality.

Fear it, the hate, the anger,

It’s taking over, trying to win, to claim, to corrupt,
Oh, oh, ohhhhhh,
Give up the dread, it’s gonna petrify you anyway,
 Gonna intimidate your soul.’

I felt Romeo approach me as River’s Ink went into another chorus, but I
couldn’t take my eyes from Spirit as she rocked out in front of Janey, the
music taking her to the level we all craved; the parallel place that shook our
souls and ignited the fire in our blood.
The whole stadium was going mad and I could hear the frequent shouts of
‘Spirit’; ‘Spirit, fuck my face’, ‘We love you, Spirit’, ‘You rock my fucking
world, Spirit!’
These people loved her, even the girls as I watched them remove their
shirts and shout Spirit’s name, practically fucking my little sinner with their
eyes.
Okay, that did not get a reaction from my dick… honestly!

‘Let’s run, escape it, evade it,

We’re pushing it, living it,
Laughing and conquering,
Oh, oh, ohhhhhh,
Give up the pain, we’re gonna survive it finally,
Gonna live it up and triumph,
Corrupt the corruption.’

All my band mates surrounded me, readying themselves for our stint on the
stage, “Bulk?”
I turned to Boss who had his eyes on me inquisitively and I shrugged, not
caring that he was watching me ogle Spirit, or even the fact that I had a
raging hard on in my jeans. “I said we’re all going to Domino’s after, you
coming?”
“Sure. River’s Ink going?”
Boss flicked his gaze to Spirit then Kenny before looking back at me,
“Dunno, but save the heroics tonight, eh?”
I scoffed and smirked at him, “Like you did for Jen?”
He sighed heavily and grabbed my arm as he pulled me to one side. “Listen
mate, I know she’s got you by the balls but I also don’t like how… how
you’re affected by this.”
“What the fuck are you on about, Boss?”
He looked troubled and his throat moved as he tried to find a way to voice
his next words, “Bulk, she’s a mess, fucked up on life and coke. Are you
telling me you’re really ready for a relationship like that, constantly pulling
her out of hell and bandaging her up. Don’t get me wrong, if she’s good for
you then get the fuck on that train but she… you’re both too broke to fix what
you both need.”
I glared at him as my gut started to boil. “You know, Boss. Who the fuck
helped Jen when she needed help? Me, that’s who and my heroics were all
fine then.”
His face darkened but he relented with a nod, “I know, mate. I know all
that, but…”
“But what?” I snarled as he paused to shift his gaze over to Spirit who had
just exited the stage. The crowd were going wild for them, chanting,
stamping their feet and whistling and I almost missed the words that left
Boss’s mouth next.
“Kenny owns her, Bulk, and there’s no way he’ll give her up. He… he’s
involved the law after you beat the crap out of him. Great move.”
He didn’t give me chance to question his words as he stalked back over to
the stage and climbed the stairs with the others, leaving me stood alone and
contemplating what the hell was going on.

My eyes shifted to Kenny as a fury overtook. What the fuck was going on?
I charged at him, my anger and indignation controlling my brain and the
hatred for this fucking prick saw my hands tightening around his throat as I
slammed him back onto the wall.
“How the fuck do you justify bringing in the cops after what you did?” I
snarled at him.
“Bulk! Bulk!” Spirit appeared beside me and wrapped her tiny hands
around mine as she tried to prise me off the knob, “What the hell are you
doing?”
I stared at her, was she fucking stupid? Then it clicked and I realised she
couldn’t remember.
“He didn’t tell you? Well I am surprised!”
“Tell me what?” she asked as she flicked her eyes between the pair of us. I
could read the confusion in her face as she tried to figure out what was going
on between us.
I dropped the twat and turned to Spirit as I gently took her forearms and
stared through and into her heart. “He hurt you, honey.”
 She stared at me with a look that said she thought I had gone crazy.
“What? No” she snorted as she shook her head in denial and turned to Kenny.
“I told you” he said with a smug smirk and my brow pleated in puzzlement
as I switched glances between Spirit and Kenny.
Spirit’s expression darkened and I quirked an eyebrow at her; daring her
and needing her to bring this out in the open, “He told you what? What
exactly did he tell you?”
She sighed in a heavy breath and rolled her lips, her obvious discomfort
had me narrowing my eyes on Kenny and observing how different Spirit was
when he was near. “Come on, he told you what, Spirit?”
“He said you would blame him. I just…” she paused and tipped her head
slightly at me. “I don’t understand why you would do that Bulk?”
“What? Why I would do what?”
I glanced at Kenny and felt a slight roar in my chest with his smug smirk.
What the fuck was happening here?
“Why you would hurt him like you did, why did you hurt him Bulk?”
I slid my tongue between my teeth to hold back the need to pummel this
fuckhead as I drew in a gutsy breath. “I beat the bastard to a pulp because he
tried to rape you, Spirit. Did he tell you that, no? Well fuck me, I really
thought he would.”
Her brow pinched and she turned to Kenny who shook his head slowly
with a fake innocence and shrugged.
“Can we talk?” I asked her as I desperately tried to reel in the anger and
concentrate on her stunning face. The last thing I needed was to smack the
twat again, especially in front of Spirit.
“I… You have to go on.”
“Later… and don’t say no cos’ it aint happening, honey.”
I didn’t give her chance to decline as I turned and bounced onto the stage. I
needed the buzz to take away the astonishment of what Kenny had done.
Trying to get Spirit to see was going to be hard, I could read it in her.
Although she hated Kenny, she trusted him and that was the problem. I
needed her to trust me. I needed her to… take what I could give and I knew I
needed to man the fuck up to get her out of this shit forsaken relationship she
had with Kenny.

***
 “Open the God damned door, Spirit before I tear the fucker down with my
bare hands!”
I had been stood, pounding on her hotel room door for the last fifteen
minutes and now I was angry, too angry to deal with what I would do when
she did eventually open the bloody thing.
“No, you’re scaring me.”
At last, a voice and I took a calming breath and rested my forehead on the
door, palming the wood as though I would be able to feel her through it.
“I just wanna talk, that’s all” I said as calmly and softly as I could.
“But you’re angry with me.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled back the need to kick the shit out of the door
and shake this bloody woman until she saw what was in front of her.
“I’m not angry with you, Spirit. I just want a chance to tell you my version
of events. I think you owe me that much.”
“I don’t owe you fuck all. Why do I owe you?” I could feel her indignation
through the huge hunk of tree between us. The plush hotel fixtures and
fittings were the embodiment of expensive and luxury but why the hotel felt
the need to fit twelve inch thick doors, I had no idea.
“Spirit,” I blew out a heavy breath and closed my eyes. “You’ve heard
Kenny’s side, why won’t you let me give you the answers to what really
happened. Or are you frightened you know I’m telling the truth?”
The door bolts moved and I smiled to myself when she took the bait.
“The truth, coming from you, that’s a bit rich!” she snarled before the door
was even fully open.
“Good evening to you too” I kind of barked as I pushed past her and made
my way into her room. “Why do you think I have a problem with telling you
the truth?”
She glared at me as she fisted her hands on her hips. Holy fuck, my cock
stirred at the sight of her feistiness and I decided right then and there I was
gonna spank some manners into her.
“You lied to me” she said quietly as though frightened of my answer to her
statement.
“Nah, I don’t think so, honey. There’s one thing about me you should
know… I never lie.”
She snorted and turned away before walking over to the bottle of Jack
Daniel’s already half empty on the side and filled her glass. She cocked her
head to me and I nodded; might as well help the bottle empty without filling
her too much.

“Come on then, how have I lied?” I queried again as I let my eyes roam
over her body. Fuck. It was the first time since she opened the door that I
noticed what she was wearing and I nearly choked on the lump in my throat
as my cock powered to life.
Her tiny arse was barely covered in little pink shorts and her breasts were
loose and bare behind the small nearly see-through cream vest, the darkness
of her nipples visible through the sheer material.
My mind filled with images of my lips wrapped around the tight little
peaks as my fingers sank into the plump flesh of her backside.
Shit, now I had a stiff a porn star would be proud of.
Fucking hell.

I turned and faced the window, desperation in removing the erotic pictures
from my mind saw me draining my drink and taking care of the refill myself.
“Come on Spirit, fill me in.”
She narrowed her eyes on me, “You said there was no reason you called
me River the other night.”
I shrugged and nodded, not quite sure where she was going with it.
“But you know.” It came out a near whisper and I had to dip my ear to
catch her words.
“Know what?”
She didn’t reiterate but just stood watching me with apprehension and a
slight stiffness to her body.
“Nah, still not with you, baby.” I repeated as I took a step towards her.
Those nipples were like homing beacons and my body was impulsively
drawn to her.
Her eyes flicked nervously over me, her gaze dropped to my mouth as I got
close but she took a step backwards and I growled low at her denial to make
things easy.
“No,” She whispered and I tipped my head, sucking air through my teeth,
both turned on by the chase and angry that she had the nerve to deny both of
us what we needed. “Don’t, Bulk.”
I stopped advancing but refused to let her gaze free, “Spirit, you are
practically fucking me with those damn hot eyes of yours, your nipples are
hard and dark and you keep rubbing your thighs together. I can read every bit
of your body, you want me so why… this?” I gestured to the imaginary wall
between us with my hands.
I was amazed I managed to contain the groan as I watched her pull her
bottom lip under her teeth and torture the plump flesh as she obviously
struggled to contain her own desire.

A strange strangled sound left her mouth and I frowned as a tiny tear
trickled down her cheek.
“Hey” I whispered as I took a step closer but she held up her hands to halt
me and took another step back.
“Don’t, please.” She shook her head tightly but rapidly and my heart
thudded at her distress.
“Why are you doing this? What is there to be frightened of?”
She swallowed and turned her gaze to the huge window as both pain and
uncertainty covered her pretty face, “Everything. You. The truth.”
“Honey, I don’t know what the fuck is going off in that pretty head of
yours, but this…” I said as I pointed to both of us again, “is just a bit of fun, a
release for both of us.”
She stared at me but then her eyes flicked, “Is it? Is it really Bulk cos’ I
don’t think it is. You’re getting too close. You already know things.”
“For Christ’s sake Spirit, what the hell is it I’m supposed to know cos’
really honey; I haven’t a bloody clue about what ‘truth’ you keep going on
about.”
She frowned but then her eyes widened and she kind of gasped as though a
light had flicked on and her chest heaved heavily as she palmed her throat,
“You… you’ve seen it, haven’t you? That’s why you want sex with me…
you think I’m a whore…”
“What the fuck, baby?”
“Oh my god…”
Her breathing was coming in short sharp blasts and her face paled until I
was sure there was no blood left in her head. She turned and picked up the
bottle of Jack, bringing it straight to her lips as she took greedy gulps from it.
“Hey, stop it.” I tried to reach the bottle and take it from her but she
manoeuvred around, fighting me in her desperate need to obliterate whatever
thought had scared the shit out of her, “Spirit, stop it!”
I managed to grab the bottle and snatch it away but she turned on me, feral
and animalistic as she growled and snarled at me, her tiny hands clawing at
my clothes as she tried to climb my body to reach my outstretched arm.
Jesus fucking Christ!

“Fuck Spirit, you have a major problem here. Drag the fucker in, honey.”
“No, just give it back.”
Her eyes were releasing a torrent of tears and I stared at her utter
devastation in astonishment as she continued endeavouring to retrieve her
nectar from me.
“Jesus Christ!” I shouted as I flung the bottle across the room and watched
her face close down in horror as it shattered against the huge fireplace and
splash the contents all over the fake coals, releasing a sudden stench of
whisky in the air and blistering my nostril hairs at the potency.
“You fucking bastard!” she yelled at me as she stood stock still staring at
the remains of what would see her through the night.
Okay, enough of this shit!

I grabbed the tops of her arms and lifted her. Her feet, hands and elbows
sank into any area of my flesh they could come in contact with as I flung her
on the couch, pinned her arms down and straddled her small body, saving the
bruises from both of us. “Stop it!”
She continued to scream as she struggled beneath me, and damn if her
rebelliousness didn’t get my balls clenching and my cock growing, the pulse
in my blood was pounding my dick and causing a vulgar need to take this
little bitch hard and punishingly.
“If you don’t calm the fuck down, you’re gonna be over my knee before
you take another fucking breath.”
She hesitated and glared at me, “Fuck you!” she spat.
Don’t say I didn’t warn her.

I shifted her in one simple movement, her lithe little body allowing me to
easily pull her over me, across my lap and pinned between my thighs as I
yanked down her shorts.
“What the hell are you doing?” she bawled as I hooked her legs under mine
and placed a palm over her right butt cheek.
“I swear to god, if you dare touch me I’ll fucking kill you.”
“Okay honey, bring it on.” I growled as I brought my hand down with a
harsh slap on her backside.
 Holy Shit. I thought I’d had firm erections before but watching the blood
rise to the surface of Spirit’s pale bottom had my dick actually aching with
the pressure.
“Fuck!” she hissed but I noticed the small rise of her hips as she prepared
for the next one.
Well, well. She really was a little sinner after all.

“You need me to count?” I asked as I struck her again, watching the rise of
her bottom to meet my hand.
We both groaned together as Spirit’s sweet arousal filled the air, the scent
of her desire and need permeating the air.
“Stop it!” she hissed but I noticed the lack of conviction in her tone as I
spanked her again.
“How many?” I asked as she cursed me under her breath.
She didn’t answer and I increased the force of the next slap with her
defiance, “How many?” I repeated harshly.
“Fuck you!”
“Ten?”
Her breath hitched and then a long moan erupted from her as I brought my
hand down on her cheek again.
“Fuck… Bulk please.”
I wasn’t sure what she was actually begging for but the way she was trying
to grind herself against my hand told me that she was pleading for me to do
something about the throb between her legs.
I caressed the soft sore skin with gentleness and leant into her ear, “Tell
me.”
A sob and a moan echoed through the room as she simultaneously relished
the pain but hated the humiliation.
She mumbled something and I leant in further, “What?”
She repeated it quietly under her breath and I growled at her, “Tell me!”
“Again!” she shouted.
I smiled wickedly as her cheeks reddened with her shame. My gut throbbed
as my veins vibrated with the exhilaration that coursed through me, “You like
this, don’t you? You like the feel of my hand on that beautiful fucking ass.
The pain that fucks you by itself. Makes you horny and wet.”
“No!” she spat out but I noticed her lift again, the soft round red cheeks
eagerly asking for more.
 I gave in to her and gave her a swift sharp slap, “More?”
“Yes!” she groaned as she gave into her need, the banging throb of need
that pushed aside her shame as the lust came to the forefront and made her
give in to her denial.
“YES!” she screamed as I quickly spanked her three times in a row.
I pursed my lips and nodded with reverence as she came like a freight train
and flooded my thighs with her juices.
“Fuck, baby!”

She was panting as I lifted her, yanked my zip down and lowered her down
onto my throbbing dick. The need to be inside her was overwhelming and I
couldn’t suppress the deep groan I released at the relief of taking her over me.
“Shit!” I hissed as her heat snatched at me and pulled me deeper. She
gripped my dick, tightly sheathing me and feeling fucking exquisite. It
suddenly occurred to me that no-one and by no-one, I meant no-one, had ever
felt like she did.
“God, fuck me!” she snarled as she grabbed my shoulders, lifted herself
upright and rammed her arse back down with a force that made my eyes
water as she swallowed my whole length in one move.
“Jesus Spirit!” I yelped as my dick was nearly forced past her cervix and
into her damn womb.
I lifted my hips to her, meeting her drives with each of my own as she
continued to assault me.
Jesus, it was too much; the burn of her heat, the wetness of her lust, the
bounce of her tits with each of her heavy plunges and the fire in her eyes as
she looked at me as though I could forever fill the need in her.
“Yes, fuck… hurt me Bulk, make me hurt! Make me scream damn it” She
sobbed and it was then when I noticed the tears streaming her face.
What – the – fuck!

“Stop!” I snapped as I held onto her hips and ended her painful torture on
herself.
She struggled against me as she tried to restart the brutal agony she was
forcing on herself.
“Don’t do this!” I snarled as I wrapped my arms around her and lifted us
both off the sofa and stormed into the bedroom, throwing her quite heavily
onto the bed as she spat feathers and fired curse words a sailor would be
proud of.
 CHAPTER 10
SPIRIT

My back bounced on the softness of the deluxe bed as Bulk stood at the
bottom, glaring at me with a blaze in his eyes. His fists were clenched as his
teeth chewed on his bottom lip in his frustration. “Why do you always behave
like a petulant child?”
My mouth fell open with his reprimand but it quickly snapped closed when
he palmed the edge of the bed, pinning me under his huge tattooed, pierced
fantastic body as he climbed over and above me.
“Why the self-hatred, Spirit?”
I didn’t answer, just stared at him as my body keened slightly towards him,
the involuntary action lifting my back off the mattress with a slender curve to
my spine.

Each of his knees slid to either side of me as he sat upright on me,

straddling my waist with his magnificent thighs. My God I was drooling,
from more than my mouth.
He was stunning. His hard inked build was the epitome of male rawness,
the jewellery adorning his body made my core shiver in a need to flick each
one with my tongue, and his mammoth cock… Jesus, it needed a better word
than cock – maybe rock, monster or even Titan? Fuck yeah, Titan, with a
capital fucking ‘T’; well, that huge thing just made me want to cry, scream
and giggle all at the same time.

His hands gripped the neckline of my vest and I whimpered, quite loudly,
when he tore it straight down the middle.
“You are fucking beautiful, Spirit. Beyond beautiful.”
I gulped as he took hold of my hand and pressed it against my chest under
his own large one as he slid it across my heated skin. “This…” he said as he
glided my hand over my own chest, “This, your body, is the meaning of
allure. Never, ever use your body to punish yourself with.”
I watched his eyes as he held mine and moved our hands slowly and
delicately down, over and across my stomach, “Your skin, feel how utterly
soft and smooth it is, honey.”
I nodded as I struggled to breathe, his soft gentle voice both soothing and
arousing. He slid slowly down my legs as he gripped my knees and opened
my legs so he could settle between them, “Feel how breath-taking each of
your curves are, how good they feel under your hand.”
Holy turtles, I was on fire and my breath stuttered as my eyes fluttered
closed under our touch.
“Open your eyes and look at me, Spirit. I want to see your desire, see your
sensuality and I wanna watch your eyes fire when you make yourself come.”
I frowned, why did I need to do it myself when this experienced sex God
could do it for me? However, a small whinge bubbled from me when he
glided my hand over my mound and held it against me, both of us cupping
me beneath his firm hold.
“Now this - this sweet pussy, should never be used for pain, self-inflicted
or otherwise.”
I shuddered when he skimmed my hand lower and pushed my own finger
inside myself. A small smile twitched his lips as I moaned low. “This is pure
beauty, Spirit. This right here…” he whispered as he controlled my
movements and slid my finger slowly in and out of me, “is capable of
bringing the most herculean of men to their knees, of sending the most
restrained of men into a frenzied turmoil.”
I choked on my own saliva as he slid my finger out and up to my clitoris,
his own finger guiding mine in circular movements on and across the delicate
nub of nerves, as sparks shot from my touch to my brain and a deep shiver
racked my body, “And creating monsters out of angels’.”
My back arched, my toes curled and my throat constricted as my orgasm
hit with a staggering force. My bones shattered into fragments so minuscule I
was sure I blew them out with my high pitched scream. “See, baby, this is the
only natural pleasure God gave us and his way of letting you take a glimpse
of heaven.”

I struggled to breathe as I felt his cock enter me slowly and gently, his girth
stretching me exquisitely as his length filled me to an extreme new level.
“This, the way we were made to love like this, is the epitome of what we are
about…”
My eyes fixed on his dark and liquid ones as he moved slowly in and out
of me, his drives as soft as his words. “This…” He thrust a little harder and
deeper but still unhurriedly and leisurely, “is a treasure, a paragon that
provides our only gratification, and should be adored and cherished.”
I was gone again, somewhere between heaven and hell as his words
pierced every single emotion, every sensation and every self-doubt I had
about myself.
“Bulk…” I moaned as I lifted my hips to him, eager to recommence the
pleasure ride.
“Say my name” he whispered as he drew back and palmed my cheek
softly. “My real name…” he groaned as I circled my hips and ground against
him, “Chase, my real name.”
I opened my eyes and bore deep into his hooded, heated ones, taking in the
bright blue of his irises as they physically shimmered in his heightened
aroused state, “Chase… Chase…”
I was practically screaming it at him. He reared back, his shoulders taut
and his chest tight as his muscles rippled with his climax; the sound of his
name from my lips ripping his orgasm from him as he thundered a deep cry.
My own hit with as much intensity as I clung to his back, my fingers
digging as deep as my hips in my need to devour him, absorb each bit of
pleasure he gave me.
“Oh God, Chase. Make me yours, Chase, please, yours always!” I
screamed as my mind exploded.

The wind was knocked from me as he belted off the bed, his face hard and
tight but covered in devastation and shock as he glared at me.
What in hell’s teeth?
He shook his head rapidly with wide eyes, as his chest heaved with each of
his fraught breaths. “No! NO! Damn it to fuck!”
I stared in shock as he swiped his clothes from the floor and tore from the
room as though his arse was alight.
What the hell?

Just… What the hell had I done?

His face, his beautiful face, the desolation and ache portrayed in his
expression had made my stomach twist but why?
He asked me to call his name and I had, so why the hatred at me all of a
sudden?
Yeah, I had asked him to make me his, but that was just something said in
the height of passion, in the deliverance of pleasure, but I hadn’t meant that I
wanted him to fucking marry me!
If I was honest with myself, it hurt; more than it should.
I shook my head at myself as I turned over and curled into a ball, the
disgust I always felt with myself was clawing through the rejection and
surfacing with a powerful need to obliterate my mind.
“No!” I growled to myself as my body started to tremble with need.
Just a little, maybe, just a tad to calm my hurt.

I rolled over onto my back, my eyes stinging with forbidden tears as I fixed
them on the ceiling.
I was just sex, just a place to warm his dick and empty his balls. I mean, I
know he had said it was a bit of fun but to scarper as soon as he had come,
well that was a little below the belt. I quick thank you or a small chaste kiss
before he took off like a whippet would have been nice.
“Damn you, you arsehole!” I shouted to the empty room as I flung myself
off the bed and pulled on some clothes.
I didn’t like the snide little thoughts my mind was concentrating on; the
revulsion, the hatred, the nauseating reality to my life. I needed to rid them,
to free the torture from my head, and as I hated myself as I picked up my
room key and left the building to seek the freedom provided by the man-
made recreation, the other half of me threw up a big Fuck You.

***

I giggled at the way the bottle danced on the side, its little legs tap dancing
across the unit as it sang Neon Trees, Everybody talks.

‘And then she made my lips hurt,

I can hear the chit chat,
Take me to your love shack…’

“Ooh baby, you have the most controlled pitches I ever heard.” I told it as
it flung itself off the hunk of wood and skipped towards me.
“Drink me, baby.” He said and I nodded as my shoulders moved in time to
his singing.
“Who am I to refuse the request of such a distinguished fellow?” I told him
as I grinned happily, tilting this little glass person to my lips as a hammering
resounded around the lobes of my fuddled brain.
“Did you just bang?” I asked him with narrow eyes.
“Not me, baby.”
“It was you” I declared with wide eyes as the thumping sounded again,
“Do not tell me fibs you little liquor lout!”
He barked out a chuckle of laughter as Janey walked out of her bedroom,
where she had been sulking with me since I had turned back up as high as a
runaway kite, and went to open our room door before turning back towards
me closely followed by Romeo.

“My pimp! What ya’ bringing me, bruvva?” I asked Romeo in my best
street voice as he stalked towards me, a deep growl rumbling through his
chest and I raised my eyebrows as he scooped me up, slung me over his
shoulder and carried me through the hotel corridor.
“Where are we going?” I giggled as I enveloped his thin but hard body
with my arms. “You know, you’re quite fit to hulk a hefty thing like me
across the hotel.”
He snorted something illegible and I pouted when he didn’t answer. “Are
you irritable?” I asked as I nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck, “Are
we off to have sex?”
“For Christ…” he muttered and I giggled again.
“Oooh we are a little grumpy. Do you not masturbate, Romeo? It helps you
know.” I told him with conviction as I slid a hand around his soft neck and
curled against him, “It’s a proven fact that a wank can alleviate stress levels
you know.”
“I know Bulk’s the man to spank that fucking backside of yours, but I
swear to God, Spirit, any more and I’ll tie your mouth shut with your
knickers and thrash you with your own God damn shoes!”

I squinted and tilted my head as I tried to catch what he said when we

entered his hotel room and bounded straight through another door into a
bedroom, before he slung me on the bed with another growl and turned to the
corner of the dark room.
“Sort your mess out! Janey doesn’t need this, and I certainly don’t need it.
I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna stand back and watch you self-destruct, and I’ll be
double fucked if I watch you destroy this girl while you do it.”
 I giggled, I couldn’t help it. Why was he talking to me with his arse? Well,
I think it was his arse, I couldn’t actually see any movement but it spoke so…

My eyes widened when Romeo sailed through the air and landed beside me
on the bed.
Wow, that was cool! He could fly! How did he do that? I wanted to fly!
“I want to fly!” I said sulkily as his hand flew up to his chin. He looked at
me in bewilderment before he scrambled back off the bed and ripped across
the room, a string of expletives flowing quite fluently from him as he leapt at
something.
I squinted as I pulled myself upright and tried to focus on what Romeo was
doing. I wasn’t sure if it was a kind of a dance he was doing but I couldn’t
stop laughing as he pranced around something. Was it a maypole?
My laughter was now in full force as I watched this funny man romp about,
his arms flaying and his body jolting.

Holy shit! I think he was fighting with someone but I still couldn’t control
my laughter as the pair of men punched the shit out of each other.
“Had enough yet?” Romeo screeched at the silhouette, “Got it out of your
system?”
“Like fuck, bring it on!”
Shit, was that Bulk?
What the hell was happening?

I tried desperately to climb from the bed but my frazzled senses and
muddled brain sent my coordination to Mars.
“Hey… my boy’s….” I flopped face first off the bed onto the floor, my
nose squishing into the carpet as my arms wedged beneath me.
Oooh dear, I think I felt sick… No! I was okay… I… yup, I definitely felt
sick!
Too late!

I gurgled, choked and spluttered as I revolted against the new substance my

body didn’t like.
“Shit!” I heard Romeo grumble as hands encircled my head and turned my
face to the side as I erupted forcefully.
“Fuck, Spirit!” This time it was Bulk’s voice that skimmed my ears and I
could hear the anger in his tone.
I shook my head as my stomach pumped even more. “I don’t feel too
good,” I murmured as I continued to vomit everywhere. Sweat covered the
whole of my trembling body and my head swan as goose bumps exploded
over the entirety of my skin.
“Bulk… Bulk?” I reached out as my vision distorted and everything in
sight became a white blur.
I didn’t like this. I had no control over anything as my system rebelled
feverishly and my body started to vibrate.
“Spirit, honey, what have you taken?” I heard Bulk ask before the violent
jerking started.
“I… New stuff… I…”
My throat exploded as my brain burst and sent shards of ice through my
veins, its torrent of agonising blows punching my guts and making my skin
recoil, threatening to crush my bones in its relentless anger.
“Bulk… please….” I screamed out as a brutalising pain ripped through me
and clamped hold of my lungs, squeezing them strictly until I couldn’t get the
air I needed to breathe.
“I’m here, baby. Romeo, phone an ambulance…”
 CHAPTER 11
BULK

Whoever had sold her the damn drugs were gonna meet with my fists until
they couldn’t breathe and were begging me to end them.
It was like fucking history repeating itself and I paced the corridor whilst
the doctors decided whether to let her live or die.
I shouldn’t be feeling… like this; disappointed, sad, angry, restless -
fucking terrified.
Spirit was nothing got me…
Nothing!
Absolutely – fucking – nothing!
So why the fuck did my heart hurt?
Those words… the same ones Shona had said to me, leaving her lips,
exactly the same…
Fuck! I was fucked!

“Any news?” Janey asked as she approached me.

I shook my head without looking at her. I was angry with her, why the hell
hadn’t she stopped her?
“She needs help, Bulk.”
I scoffed loudly and turned to her, “Yeah, some from her friends wouldn’t
go amiss.”
Her jaw dropped before she clenched it tightly and an angry tic appeared in
her right eyelid. She palmed my chest and I could feel her anger vibrating
through them, “Don’t you fucking dare, you arsehole. She got high cos’ you
fucked with her head!”
I narrowed my eyes on her, my worry over Spirit bringing out a side in me
I didn’t like. “What the hell? We fucked, end of,” I raged, trying to convince
myself as well as Janey that’s all it had been. “There was nothing for her to
get ripped over!”
She barked out a bitter laugh, “You know something, Bulk? I actually
thought you might be good for her, but you’re just like Kenny. Take all you
can from her and screw her with it. That fucking girl has never been given a
break, dragging herself through life, being kicked into the gutter time after
fucking time. I thought you might be the good guy, the bloody hero she needs
but you are a God damn selfish prick who can’t see past the end of his dick.”
“I am nobody’s knight in shining armour, Janey. No fuckers hero,
especially to a woman who can’t get through the day without the escape of
drugs.” I stormed, now past the level of control even though her words were
tearing through me and slapping me hard in the face with their truths. “Who
are you to blame me when Spirit’s so fucked up she can’t even lean on her
friends and uses the aid of artificial friends to haul her ass through life. So
don’t fuck with me when you’re a shit friend, and Spirit is the only reason
she’s laid on that fucking bed having her fucking guts pumped and her blood
stream siphoned!”
My stomach clenched as a strangled sob caused Janey’s face to crumple.
“Stay away from her you arrogant fuck!” She hissed before she pushed past
me and stormed towards the emergency room where Spirit was being treated.
Fuck!
Fuck!

“Nice!”
I turned to see Boss glaring at me, his eyes damning and shocked. “First
you ignore my advice, then you beat the crap out of Romeo, then you alienate
the whole of River’s Ink… just, epic, epic Bulk!” He shook his head with a
sickened expression and followed Janey down the hallway.

“God damn it!” I roared as my fist connected with the wall, “Just….
FUCK!”
“Whoa, drag it in!” Romeo scowled as he took hold of my fist to stop the
mutilation of my knuckles.
“Shit, Romeo” I scoffed as I took in the battered features of his face, “I…”
He shook his head and grabbed my bicep before dragging me down the
corridor and shoving me in the elevator, “I know, mate. Chill, I’m cool.”
He stood staring at me; his silent voice speaking loudly and I rolled my lips
and turned my shame to the doors. “I said we’re cool, big guy.”
I nodded but kept my gaze diverted, hiding the real reason for my ache
from his shrewd eyes.
“Are you falling in love with her?” he asked so quietly I almost missed
what he had said.
 “What the fuck! No. NO!” I spluttered as I spun round to face him.
He nodded slowly, his face impassive and nonchalant but his eyes held an
intelligence I didn’t want to accept. “You ever want to trade this grief of
yours, then she’s it mate. She’s your fucking soul saver.”
I growled at him, my anger resurfacing. What the hell was wrong with me
lately? I was so bloody angry all the time, so full of a rage I couldn’t seem to
shift.
“God damn Ro…”
I broke.
Vehemently.
Intensely.
Cruelly.
And so fucking raw, my lungs couldn’t keep up with each gasp of air I was
trying to inhale to stop the tears as my heart defied everything it was
beginning to feel.
Fuck! Not crying, No!

Romeo caught me as I sank down the wall and clawed at my chest in

desperation to snatch at my soul and rip it from my body.
I wouldn’t accept this, No!
I loved Shona and only her.
“Yes!” Romeo spat at me, “Yes! Say it!”
I shook my head violently, “No!”
“Say it! Admit it! SAY IT!”
“NOOOOO!”

I was out of the doors as soon as the elevator pinged its arrival and we hit
the ground. I could hear Romeo shouting to me as I sprinted across the hotel
foyer and went in search of something to tame the beast within me.
The monster who wanted to devour a sinner.
A sinner with deep green eyes and the most beautiful laugh on the planet.
A sinner with the most exquisite body I had ever seen.
A sinner who looked at me with wide innocent eyes but knowing smiles.
A beautiful sinner who was creeping inside and extinguishing the fire I
wanted to keep burning forever.

***
 “God fucking damn you” I growled at my limp dick.
The girls, give them all due, hadn’t laughed… yet.
I watched them; their tongues in each other’s mouths, their hands on the
others tits, their fingers rolling and tweaking plump red nipples, darkened
with arousal.
Kimberley moved lower, her tongue stroking the pale skin stretched over
Teresa’s stomach and I palmed my cock again, willing him to rear up to the
party.
He refused. Of course he refused. He was angry with me. He wanted a
different pussy; he wanted a sinner’s pussy.
“Anything yet?” Kimberley asked and I snapped my eyes to hers.
“No, I’m gonna… go. Thanks though.” I told her with a faint smile as I
lifted from the chair and tumbled into the wall.
“Easy, babe” Teresa advised and I lifted a hand to her, notifying her I was
okay. She nodded then went back to Kimberley’s devotion as I pulled the
door closed behind me.

I was tanked-up. I couldn’t even see straight, never mind find my way back
to the hotel.
My phone rang for the hundredth time and I growled as I pulled it from my
pocket.
“Where the hell are you?” Jen snarled at me through the earpiece and I
pulled it away from my ear and gave it a blank stare.
“Well, if you can’t see me, that’s cos’ you’re in London and I’m…” I
looked around, squinting at the dark empty street, “Where the hell am I?”
Jen sighed and I plopped onto a low wall. The brickwork scratched the
back of my thighs and I looked down in confusion. “Shit Jen, I’ve lost my
jeans.”
“Christ, Bulk. Look around, can you see a street name?”
“Uhh,” I looked, “Nope.”
She sighed again and I could picture her rubbing her forehead in
frustration. “Right, listen to me. Fire up the GPS on your phone then text me
the results.”
“Why? I’m just gonna get my head down.” I informed her as I lifted my
legs and curled them up beside me as I rested my head gently on the wall.
“Bulk, listen to me.”
 “Uh-huh.”
“You – need – to – show – me – where – you – are.”
“No offence, little lady but I’m real tired. Can I do that in the morning?” I
asked as a huge yawn overtook me and I snuggled deeper into the rough slab.
“NO!” she screamed and I jolted upright.
“What… what? What’s happening?” I barked as I scanned the area looking
for what Jen had screamed at, “Jen?”
“Bulk, please.” I was sure I heard a faint sob from her and I frowned.
“Please, don’t… don’t be out on your own. You never know…”
I screwed up my face at her anguish. Boss’s attack a couple of years ago
had hit Jen hard and she was constantly terrified for each of us.
“I’m fine, baby. Fine. There’s no-one here. No-one but me.” My words hit
something deep and I baulked at them, “No-one but me, Jen.” I whispered as
tears pooled my eyes.
“Oh, sweetheart” she whispered back, “Listen. I’ve flown all the way up
here to see you. Please, I miss you.”
My heart brightened and a smile covered my face, “You’re here?”
“I am. I came to see you, I…” she paused and I sucked in my bottom lip
like a child sulking. The need for a hug was overwhelming. It ached inside
me. I needed arms to envelope me and hold me. I craved the faint sound of a
heartbeat in my ear as someone embraced me. Yearned for the small shushes
of a soft voice in my ear.
“I need to hold you” she finished as though she could feel my desolation
through the phone.
I stared at the building in front of me; its dark and foreboding bleakness
mirrored inside me as my stomach screwed up tight and forced its contents up
and into my throat. “I’m falling… I’m falling in love again, Jen.” I
whispered, hoping she’d heard me as I separately prayed she hadn’t.
“I know, I know. Is it a good thing?”
I swallowed as I contemplated her words. “No, it hurts. It hurts so much,
Jen. I can’t…” A tormented forbidden sob crawled up my throat and I gulped
it back down, refusing its demand to surface. “I can’t!” I finished with a
whisper as Spirit’s bright beautiful smile blurred my vision and her laughter
filled my ears.
“I won’t let it… in. I can’t allow it to… take over. Shona… Shona is
always, will always…”
“Bulk, sweetheart. You don’t have to fight this, you know. Just go with the
flow, let your heart rule you. If it wants this, then let it, don’t fight it. Please,
you need this. You need to find this part of you again.”
“No, Jen. Spirit’s… she’s a mess, completely damaged and broken.”
She was silent for a while before she sighed, “Then be her glue, Bulk.
Mend that wound, heal her and heal yourself as you do it.”
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Could I do that? Was I strong
enough?
All I knew at this moment was that I needed to be with Spirit. I needed to
hold her close, breathe in her scent, feel her soft skin beneath my hands,
listen to her soft wisps of life as they left her mouth and embraced me.
I needed her.
Shit, I needed her.
“I’ll phone you later!” I snapped as I abruptly ended the call and flung
myself off the wall.
 CHAPTER 12
SPIRIT

The bed dipped and I moaned. My head was thumping, my throat was sore,
my stomach hurt and my whole body felt like I’d been shredded, sewn back
together then ripped apart by a werewolf. My veins were screaming, my
muscles hated me and my brain was curled in the corner rocking silently.

“Spirit.”
The sound of Bulk’s whisper brought a faint smile to my face and I sighed
as I remained coiled on the hospital bed with my weary eyes closed tight. I
could feel him; inside me, surrounding me, comforting me as a tear slid down
my cheek.
I needed the real thing, not an imaginary version of him. I wanted to touch
him, feel him, hold him and breathe him.
He hurt me, he hurt me so much but as much as that hurt ached, I knew the
reason for it. His heart rebelled at opening up, letting someone break the
chain and rip down its defences. I could understand that, hell I agreed with it
in a way.
The heart is a delicate thing, and once broken, the shards that are left are
razor-sharp; sharp enough to stab into your soul and tear it up viciously and
bloodily. I should know.
“Spirit.”
It came again and I frowned when it was accompanied by a faint smell of
whisky. My blood quickened with the aroma, its need demanding its fill and I
groaned at the hunger.
“Spirit!”
This time it was loud enough to open my eyes. I flicked them around the
room and frowned as I felt a delicate touch on my hair, “Spirit?”
I rolled over, turning my body into the broken soul that was laid beside me.
“Hey?” He smiled slightly with a little apprehension crossing his face.
His eyes held mine as he waited for my reaction. I could read the
uneasiness and remorse in them and I rolled my lips, swallowing heavily as
his hand slid over my hair and onto my cheek.
 “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. I…”
I placed a finger over his lips, halting his regret as I gave him a soft smile,
“No, I… We were getting too… close.” I admitted as my brain stood to
attention with my declaration. Finally, it said, she’s facing the truth.
He flicked his eyes over my face, absorbing me, devouring me and a
choked sound rumbled up my throat.
“No,” he breathed against me. “Don’t, please…”
I squeezed my eyes closed, forcing back the tears. Bulk didn’t need them,
he was too anguished himself to deal with them.

We watched each other in silence, the soft light from the corridor
fluorescents was filtering through the door window and the moonlight
generated a soft glow across the room as we just gazed silently. Our bodies
weren’t touching but he was close enough for me to feel his soft breaths fan
across my face.
“You ever been in love, Spirit?” he asked suddenly but quietly.
I nodded slightly, holding his eyes as he delved deep inside me with his
stare to answer his own question.
He nodded as he understood, “Good or bad love?”
I sighed. How could anyone answer such an in-depth question simply? “It
was… both.”
He nodded again and paused to draw in a breath as if to steady his
rambling nerves and calm his torment. “Shona… our love was one of those
rare ones. The kind that is full of all things good.”
I smiled softly as his eyes lit with his memories; his love for his wife
evident and intense in his bright eyes.
He swallowed as if struggling to continue and I placed the palm of my
hand on his cheek gently. His eyes cleared and softened as he refocused on
the only woman that was physically in the room with him. Me.
“This is so hard” he whispered as his face bore the weight of his grief.
“What is?” I asked as I stroked my thumb tenderly over the prominent
contour of his masculine cheek bone.
“This… talking about…” He stopped as his eyes flicked rapidly over my
face, his trepidation and unease carrying his emotions.
“Shona?” I finished for him.
He nodded slowly and grimaced as he rolled his lips.
“Do you talk to your friends about Shona?”
 He nodded but didn’t remove his gaze from me. The intensity and pain
behind his eyes was suffocating and I sucked in a deep breath just to
contradict the smothering silent agony.
“I’m your friend Bulk, why can’t you talk to me about her?”
He looked puzzled for a moment before his fingers reached up and lightly
touched my lips. He didn’t move them, just held them to my lips as his eyes
dropped to study the act. “Is that what we are, Spirit? Friends?”
“Is that what you want us to be?” I asked with apprehension around his
fingers. Above all things Bulk and I were or weren’t, I wanted to be friends
with this broken and gentle man.
His face was tight as he pondered my question. “Yes,” he answered
eventually.
“Would that help… this?” I asked, knowing he would understand the
context of my words. “Would it help you deal if we were just friends?”
He sighed and twisted his lips but let his eyes drift back up to mine. I
couldn’t read them. I wasn’t sure what his answer would be but he finally
nodded weakly as his eyes saddened and he drew a finger across my lip
tenderly. “We could try.”
I swallowed back the disappointment but forced my heart to slow with the
elation that he wanted to be my friend.
I nodded back to him, “I think… I think the sex confused…” I shrugged,
unsure how to word what I wanted to say, “…us. Complicated whatever
relationship we have.”
He studied me, his brow creased and his eyes slightly narrow and dark as
we remained silent, the new structure in our bond changing our thoughts and
hopes as we both took control of our emotions and disciplined them.

“Bulk?” I asked quietly as I swallowed nervously, “Can I hold you?” His

eyes flicked swiftly up to mine, “Nothing sexual.” I added quickly, “Just as
friends. Just… hold you?”
He answered me with his eyes before he slowly edged forward on the bed
towards me.
I slowly and hesitantly wrapped my arms around his large frame before
lifting a leg and enveloped his thigh with my own. He shuffled in further as
his own arms reached around me and pulled me in closer until he rested his
head under my chin and nuzzled into my neck.
I enticed him further, enclosing him securely with my whole body as
though I wanted to soak him up, take his sorrow and pain and absorb it from
him.
He pulled in a ragged breath and I felt his chest stutter. My heart screamed
in anguish when I realised he was crying. His wet tears flowed onto my chest
and soaked my gown as his throat racked with each of his devastating sobs.
He clung tighter to me and I mirrored his action as I pulled him in and
placed a tender kiss to the top of his head, “Cry Bulk. Set it free, baby.” I
whispered as his weeps became louder and his entire body shook with his
burden.
I could feel his soul reaching out for comfort. I took it, grabbed hold of it
firmly, and soothed it with my own. My soul, spirit and heart were breaking
as they simultaneously hardened to protect and nurture this heartbroken and
haunted angel; because he was an angel; a beautiful and gentle angel that God
seemed to have penalised and destroyed through the entirety of his life. A
punishment for what, I didn’t know. I couldn’t ever imagine he deserved to
be punished. Not like me. I took God’s wrath on me because I knew it was
deserved. But Bulk was just ruined; tortured and broken.

I ran a hand over his soft stubble of hair as he clung to me, his fingers
clutching my hospital gown with near aggression and I wondered when, if
ever, he had cried.
His body shook, his soul screamed and his heart bled with each of his
crushing heart-breaking cries.
My own tears were streaming, falling heavily on Bulk’s head as we both
clung on tight; feeding, offering, seizing and surrendering.
His hands slipped from my back and up to my hair as he grabbed
desperately at me, pulling me in closer and closer, begging me to take it from
him, pleading with me to help him, save him, heal him all at once.
I could physically feel Shona in the room with us, her heart breaking with
her husband’s as he refused to set her free, denied her peace as he preserved
her ghost inside him. “Give it me, Bulk; let me take it from you.” I whispered
as he sited his mouth on the heat of my skin.
I struggled for breath when his lips softly opened on the base of my throat
and his tongue sneaked out to taste one of my tears.
Oh Jesus fuck, my whole body groaned and hungered as a soft gust of air
huffed from me.
“Spirit…” he whispered as his tongue devoured another tear. My chest was
heaving as a fierce arousal flooded my system. His touch was soft and gentle
and so much needed, “Please love me, baby.”
My womb shivered as my pussy jerked with his words. “Chase…” I
murmured back as I slid my fingers down his head, hooked them around the
back of his neck and pulled him further into mine.
He moaned low but fiercely as his mouth opened further and he sucked in
the soft flesh beneath my ear.
“Oh Christ and coffee, Bulk, I need you. I need to feel you, I need to… Oh
Goddd….” I whimpered as his teeth clamped hold of my earlobe and he
growled softly in my ear.
“I…” Bulk shot off the bed when the door flung open and Brent stormed
in.
My eyes widened on his fierce and angry ones as he glared at me.

“Brent?” Bulk asked, narrowing his eyes on our manager, “What the…”
Brent completely ignored him and stalked across the room to me, “Did you
never think to tell me?”
I frowned and shook my head slightly, completely lost as to what he was
raging about. “What?”
He pulled a laptop out of his huge man bag, one that had me often thinking
he kept his wife in there, and flung it on the bed. “Open it.”
I continued to stare in bewilderment at the usually timid man. He was
green, fuck he’d turned into the Hulk. He gave an angry jerk with his chin to
the laptop and I hesitantly leaned forward for it.
Bulk was switching glares between Brent and concerned looks to me as I
slowly flipped the lid.
I knew it before I had even opened it. I knew what it would be. I could feel
my heart slip through my chest, slide behind my ribs, sink into my stomach
and then drop with a thud on the floor.
I lifted my frightened eyes to Brent, silently begging him not to do this but
his lip curled and his fists tightened. “How the fuck you expect me to fix this,
I have no fucking idea. Just… Fuck Spirit, just Fuck!”
“Will you calm the fuck down!” Bulk growled at Brent as he moved a step
towards me but I shook my head at him with a slight frown when I realised
he was wearing only boxer shorts and turned back to Brent.
“When did it hit?”
He scoffed loudly, his disgust and abhorrence with me forefront on his
dark skin. My throat was closing in as my chest heaved with each struggle to
draw in oxygen.
“What the hell is going on?” Bulk stormed as he snatched the laptop from
me.
“NO!” I shouted as I flipped across the bed, ripping the catheter from my
arm as I hastily fought to retrieve the evidence of my hell.

He stuttered a step backwards as his eyes widened on the video that had hit
YouTube not thirty minutes ago.
I could see the revulsion on his face as he desperately tried to wrench his
eyes away from the screen. But the film clip was just too damn mesmerising.
Too captivating and absorbing. I could see his struggle; I could feel it
emanating from him as his throat released a funny garbled sound and his eyes
eventually managed to lift to mine.
“Spirit?” It was a choked murmur, a horrified rasp and I couldn’t fight
down the choking tumour blocking my airway as I crumbled within myself.
The single fact that Bulk had seen it, seen Me, like… that, was soul
destroying. My entire body was trembling; my spirit lay down and wept as
my very essence disintegrated. The expression on his face, the look of disgust
and disbelief broke the final thread holding me together.
“Your contract is terminated from immediately!” Brent barked out before
he thundered from the room but I hardly heard him. All I could hear was the
pain radiating from Bulk as he shook his head manically and dropped the
laptop to the floor.
“You… I…” His mouth opened and snapped closed as his shock rendered
him speechless.
I jolted as he screamed, punched a huge hole in the wall and took the door
off its hinges in his force to free himself of my presence.

I was numb. I didn’t feel. I had died. I had shut down, every single
emotion, sensation, perception and response had frozen as time seemed to
suspend itself to laugh at me and taunt me.

“Spirit?” Kenny’s soft voice bounced around my head and I gradually

turned to him. He was stood in the doorway, watching me with a sad gaze.
“It’ll be okay, babe.” He soothed as he settled beside me on the bed and
placed an arm around my shoulder before pulling my limp body into his.
“It’s over, Ken, it’s over.”
“Yeah, babe. It’s over,” He echoed.
 CHAPTER 13
BULK

“You know, it’s actually quite… hot!” Boss murmured as his eyes bonded
with the PC screen. I turned and stared at him. “Just saying,” He grimaced
and quickly snapped the lid closed as Jen snarled at him.
Jax remained his usual quiet self but I could hear his questions in the
silence. To say his vocabulary was limited he was wise beyond his years. His
simple conversational skills had allowed him to take a step back in life and
listen, and watch.
“What?” I snapped at him.
“Calm the fuck down, Bulk.”
I sighed and shook my head, “You know, just for once it would be nice if
you could extend the use of your English language skills and provide some
decent conversation.”
His eyebrows lifted and his lips twisted, “Did I fuck her?”
My jaw dropped and I stared at him in shock, “What?”
He stood upright, his whole being giving off a fury as he took two steps to
reach me. His hands thumped on the arms of the chair as he braced it, his
frame fencing mine as he curled a lip at me. “You need to drag it in. I didn’t
fuck her, Boss didn’t either. Don’t be pissed with us! You hear me, Bulk?”
Okay, he had heeded my words and let his flow. I was tempted to keep
going and annoy him more just to see what else he parted with.
“You’re just about the only fucks she didn’t fuck!” I spat back as my
stomach revolted with my words, with the images assaulting my head.
“And you?” he asked as he remained hovering over me with angry eyes.
I frowned, unsure of what he meant. “How many fucks you been through?”
he reiterated, changing his words so I understood but it didn’t work.
“What the hell, Jax. What the fuck are you on about?”
“Ask! Ask her.”
“Like fuck!” I scoffed back, “It’s pretty clear by her face she enjoyed the
damn gang bang. She was fucking them right back!”
The pictures of the hands, the mouths… the numerous dicks on her, at her,
all over her... in her, bent my brain and I swallowed back the nausea.
 “Ever had a threesome, Bulk?” It was Romeo who asked this particular
question and I shot my face to his when his reproving tone got my back up.
“Yeah Romeo, you know I have but fuck, that was definitely not a
threesome. There were six of the bastards. Oh, and don’t forget the little
Chinese girl, we mustn’t forget her, her god damn lips were all over my
woman’s tits.”
They all stared at me. Hell, I even stared at me. What the fuck had I just
said? What the fuck had I called her?
I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep breath as I felt Jen’s grin on me.
“Don’t!” I warned without opening my eyes, “It was a slip of the tongue.”
“Uh-huh.” She murmured but I could still feel the wide happy smile.
Damn this fucking woman!

The door banged and banged again… and banged again. “Hold the fuck on,
we’re coming!” Romeo shouted as he slipped from the room.
“Seriously Bulk, what ya’ gonna do?” Boss asked and I shook my head
sternly at him.
“Nothing!”
“But…” Jen started and I held my hand up at her.
“But nothing, Jen. Whatever it was, it’s over.”

“FUCK!” Romeo shouted from the hallway and everybody shot up as

Janey marched into the room, over to me and rammed her fist straight into
my cheek bone.
“You fucking arsehole. You’ve done it again!”
Was this fucking woman crazy?
“What the fuck, you mad bitch!” I spat at her as I cracked my jaw back into
place but she was too fuelled to back down. She was manic, her eyes were
bulging and her make-up was smeared across her face, giving her a feral
look.
“Why the hell can’t you just stand by her, support her?”
“Janey, the…” I gulped back the disrespectful term on my lips and glared
at her, “Spirit has made a fucking porno. How the hell am I supposed to
support that? Invite all my friends over and make another with her? See if she
can take ten this time?”
Holy Fuck! Her palm fired across my face this time. I was getting ready to
bind her fucking hands behind her back any minute and staple the wild cow
to the wall.
“And now he’s got his claws back in! Are you happy now? Are you happy
that you’ve sent that girl to the gates of hell?”
“What the hell are you on about?”
“Why do you think she’s like she is, Bulk? Kenny’s constant reminder of
her shitty life in her ear, his relentless mindfuck. He’s destroying her piece by
fucking piece.”
I stared in confusion, “I don’t understand. You’re not making sense.”
She sighed deeply in an effort to control her anger. “He wants her, Bulk
and he’ll do anything… Anything to have her. Who do you think released the
video?”
“What?” I stuttered. Kenny? Why the hell would Kenny betray Spirit?
“You knew about the video? Kenny knew?” I scoffed as I glowered at her.
“Yes, we both knew. It was Kenny who made the video, Bulk. Who do you
think supplies her in coke? Him. So he can keep her right where he wants
her,” she added more quietly. “He released it because she was getting close to
you and he didn’t like that, he wants her. Well, I don’t have proof but...”

My veins raged as my bones shook in fury. My whole essence was

overtook with a fury that I had only ever experienced once before but this
time, this fucking time, it was so much worse. It was threatening to engulf me
as the white rage surged through my body and the obligatory violence
smothered me. My chest heaved as I fought to control the storm and I jerked
when I felt a soft hand on my arm.
“Bulk, calm down,” Jen eyed me wearily but I just stared at her, my eyes
wide with uncontrollable thunder. “Sweetheart, breathe.”
I forced air through my nose, dragging it down deep as I clung to Jen’s
soothing tones and frantically strived to douse the fire.
My hands gripped at my head as I squeezed my eyes closed and hauled it
back. Not again, fuck not again! I hadn’t experienced one of these for five
years. Why the hell now?
“Because you love her” Jen whispered as she astutely read the question in
my silent turmoil.
I gazed at her as her eyes held mine softly and her lips smiled gently.
“Yes” I whispered back simply, honestly and frigging unquestionably,
“God, yes. Yes, I do.”
She nodded her head with tight frantic movements as a tear slid down her
cheek. “Go get her, Bulk. It’s time.”
My heart convulsed as the pain banged hard against the walls of it, but for
once my soul took hold of the hammer and hindered its agony; barred the
torment from engulfing me and stealing my hopes. My guts pulled up their
big girl pants, slung their shoulders back and screamed a big ‘Fuck yes’… a
huge, epic ‘Fuck yes’.
Jen nodded again and I nodded back with determination.

“She’s gone” Janey whispered sombrely beside me and I spun round to her.
“What? What? What do you mean, she’s gone?”
Her sad eyes whisked over my face before her face paled. “Kenny… he got
her on the first plane and took her back. You’re too late.”

***

“Come on Brent, don’t be an arse.”

Brent snorted and quirked a brow, “No, No way. I told you, they’re gone;
flew back first thing. I’ve got Platform 2 coming in to cover.”
I cast a hesitant look at Jax who growled deeply before giving Brent my
best doe eyes, which is quite hard when you’re six foot six and covered in
piercings. “There is no way we’re gonna share a stage with Sed Tyler, no
way.”
Brent shrugged, “Then walk.”
What the fuck?
“What the fuck, Brent. I think you’re forgetting who pays your damn
wages.” I snarled as Boss rested a hand on my arm.
“Bulk, chill out mate.”
“I can’t fucking chill out, Boss. Spirit is back at the other side of the
country with a guy that force feeds her drugs, blackmails her and has
probably got her legs wrapped around him already. No! No, damn it!” I
flared, the images my words had set in my head hauling my guts through my
throat. “All I’m asking is that you postpone the gig for a few days, just while
I go fetch her.”
“Jesus Christ Bulk, what part of no don’t you understand? If I bring back
River’s Ink the sales on this tour will plummet. She’s ruined so many sales
already, people don’t respond well to whores.”
Romeo and Jax were on me in seconds as I ploughed my body forward,
ready to rip the fucker’s throat out. “Don’t ever call her that again!” I spat as
my clenched fists started to sweat in their need to grind Brent’s face.
He sighed and nodded with an apology when he realised he’d gone too far
but he still didn’t back down. “Look, I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can’t
risk it, Bulk. And before you storm off, think of your band mates, your fans
who have travelled half way across the world to see you. You can’t just
cancel over a girl.”
I turned to look at the others. They were willing to back me up but I still
couldn’t do that to them. Walking out of the tour would ruin them, ruin Room
103 and we… they’d fought so hard over the previous years to get here.
I closed my eyes in defeat before I nodded.
“Bulk!” Jen shouted, “What the hell are you doing?”
I turned to her, hardening myself, hardening my heart before I locked her
down, “This is my life Jen, and these guys are more important than a woman
I barely know, a woman who didn’t even think about letting me know she’d
made a God damn porn movie years ago. I obviously wasn’t that important to
her.” I shrugged before I turned and walked away, leaving the group staring
after me.

I could feel the coldness crawling through my body and freezing

everything it touched as it coated and swathed my insides with denial. I could
physically feel the chill cloak my heart and solidify as it attached to the organ
and encased it in ice.
My mind however, that was a different matter as it refused to release the
images from my head; denied my want to forget her and forbade me to shut
her out. But I would, even if it killed me in the process.
 CHAPTER 14
SPIRIT
3 MONTHS LATER
I needed a fix so bad. My whole body hummed with need. My brain felt
swollen and heavy and my stomach churned. But the latter was nothing to do
with my withdrawal.
“Fuck Spirit, so good babe.”
I moaned in response. Knowing it was expected and essential, I never
failed in that particular duty.
I had been off the drugs and booze for five weeks now but it still felt like it
was years since my last hit, or just yesterday, whichever way was the hardest.
“Come on, babe.”
I groaned deep and tightened my thighs as I frowned at the light bulb.
There was a huge dust web linking it to the curtain and I curled my lip at it.
That would be tackled later.
“Fuck yeah; I’m coming, fuck, so hard.”
I turned my face into the crook of Kenny’s neck and tightened my body to
fake my orgasm. His hips thrust a couple more times before he stilled and
growled in my ear.

He rolled over with a deep sigh and turned his face towards me, “What
time you at work?”
“Six.” I answered as I swung my legs out of bed and reached for the packet
of fags off the floor. Staring out of the window as I lit up, I dragged down
deep and closed my eyes at the faint relief the nicotine brought.
I felt Kenny shift behind me as a small bag landed in my lap. “My girl
deserves a treat.” He grinned before planting a kiss on my head and made his
way to the bathroom.

I stared at the bag. The small amount of snow making my mouth water and
I sank my teeth into my lip as my breathing accelerated and my blood danced
in my veins.
“You can do this, you can do this…”
“Do what?” Kenny asked when I didn’t hear him enter back into the room.
 I covered my mouth, feigning illness before I dashed from the room and
slammed the bathroom door shut behind me, locking it quickly before he
followed me in.
“You okay, Spirit?” He shouted through the door.
I stared blindly at the toilet cistern as I pictured the thin line of coke laid
out neatly on it, waiting for me, taunting me, exhilarating me.
“Yeah, just a dodgy gut, I’m ok.” I answered as my hands shook when I
pulled open the bag. I held my finger over the opening, counselling myself to
have just a quick rub over my gums as my heart screamed its caution at me.
I closed my eyes. The image of blood materialised, so much blood. Blood
everywhere, all over the floor, all over me; pools of vomit and bile beside
me; the raw pain that took my consciousness.

I bit my lip and tipped the bag over the loo, both relishing and weeping at
the sight of the powder sprinkling over the toilet water.
Palming the flush handle, I closed my eyes to provide the last bit of
strength I needed and twisted my wrist.
The gush of water settled my stomach. The knowledge that it was gone
eased the temptation slightly but my veins constricted in anger as my blood
chilled.
I pulled in another drag of smoke as I slumped against the bath. I hated that
I had taken to smoking but… it was the only thing that was seeing me
through the lonely withdrawal and the ache in my heart.

I thought he would have come for me. Flown back and taken me as his.
His face still terrorised my dreams, the devastation and repulsion that had
covered his handsome features was constantly on replay in my head.
I didn’t deserve him, I know I didn’t but I just thought… thought that
maybe… maybe one day God would forgive me and… and give me a slice of
peace.
I wanted the fairy-tale, but instead I got the nightmare.

“Spirit?” Kenny banged hard on the door and I pulled in a dense breath as I
lifted myself off the floor and opened the door after donning a huge leery grin
and heavy eyes. “Stuff any good?”
I nodded as a pretend giggle left my lips and Kenny smirked, “Good girl.”
The palm of his hand cracked across my bare arse and I forced an excited
yelp, “Come on get ready, I’ll drop you off on the way to Roy’s.”
I swallowed and nodded as my stomach tightened with the thought of
work. I hated the damn place, “Thanks.”
He nodded as he bounded the stairs and I slowly retreated back to the
bedroom as my phone rang.

“Hey, darlin’” I answered when I saw Janey’s name on the screen.

“Babe, busy?”
“Just getting ready for work.” I answered as I pulled the special underwear
from my drawer.
“Work, is that what you call it?” she scoffed with contempt and I sighed.
“Janey…”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. Listen, I have two tickets for Halo at the weekend,
please….”
“I dunno, Janey.” I answered as I cast a nervous glance at the door, “You
know Kenny doesn’t like…”
“I don’t give a camels fuck what Kenny likes or doesn’t. Do you share a
pair of lungs? Does Kenny breathe for you? No, he doesn’t so I think that
means you control your own life.”
I sighed. It was no use arguing with her when she was like this. I would
just have to come up with a good excuse. “Okay, okay.”
She squealed in delight as I held the phone away from my ear. “You rock
my awesome sidekick.”
I rolled my eyes as I fumbled to fasten my bra one-handed, “I’m off. You
in tonight?”
“Aren’t I always when you’re at that shithole?”
“And you know that I love you for that.” I said with a deep affection.

Janey had been my rock over the last few months. She had never blamed
me once for the demise of River’s Ink. Eric had virtually tried to strangle me
as he raged a string of profanities at me.
Kenny, well Kenny, as much as I loathed him, as much as I hated the
thought of him inside me, touching me, had also been there to support me. He
had taken control and organised everything when we came home.
He had sorted my rent arrears out for me when my landlord threatened me
with eviction, he had found me a job and even though I hated it, it still paid
the bills. He had arranged a tab with my dealer for me until I started to bring
money in.
And he had never once blamed me for the ruin of his career and I would
forever be grateful to him for that. The least I could do was let him between
my legs.
Did that make me a whore? Probably, but to be honest, I had leaned on him
when we returned and he had let me lean. He had covered all press coverage
and media slashing, made a statement for me and essentially been my PA
after RMG dropped us.
He didn’t know I was off the drugs though. I knew he was secretly
suspicious because I hadn’t had a drink but it was harder to act drunk than
high. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him but somewhere in the back of my
mind I knew he wouldn’t be too happy about it.
He was also there to fill the hole in my life; a hollow an angel had torn
through me. I needed Kenny but I wasn’t stupid enough to not understand
that Kenny also had me exactly where he wanted me but to be honest, I was
too exhausted to fight it. Fight him.
Especially now.
Now I needed him more than ever because I couldn’t do this on my own. I
couldn’t fight this life anymore. I was terrified history was repeating itself
and God was punishing me more and more every day.
Every day was more of a struggle than the previous and without the escape
of coke now, I had my life forced on me every day and it was torturous.
My soul was completely empty but there was still the slither of hope my
spirit held onto.
Maybe this time… maybe the past was the past. Maybe this time around
things would be different.
Maybe I would get a reprieve, a chance to do things over and redeem
myself. Apologise to the heavens for… what I did.
Maybe this time I could do it.
Maybe this time my baby would survive.
 CHAPTER 15
BULK

We were recognised as soon as we entered, the wide eyes and low jaws
making me think this was a mistake. I closed my eyes and pulled in a breath
as Romeo pulled on my arm and a waitress in tight black hot pants and stupid
thigh high stripy socks led us to a table.
“What can I get you gentlemen?” she asked us all but kept her gaze on Jax.
He lifted an eyebrow and waggled his finger at her, indicating his marital
status with a blatant exposure of his wedding ring.
She curled a lip slightly but turned to Romeo, “Sir?”
He gave her his Romeo special smile, the lazy one that darkened his
wandering eyes and told her exactly what he thought of her. “Well, we’ll take
four beers and four whisky chasers seems as though it’s my birthday.”
“Oh, happy birthday” she grinned before leaning over and planting a soft
kiss on his cheek. “If you need anything else, entertainment wise, then be
sure to ask me or book in with Hilary on reception.”
Romeo gave her another glance and tipped his head, “Do you entertain,
sweetheart?”
“I do, Sir.”
He nodded slowly, his eyes virtually peeling her clothes off her. “Then I’ll
make sure I go see Hilary.” He winked when she lit up in excitement.

I shook my head at the pair of them before casting a glance around the
club. It was Romeo’s birthday and he had been eager to check out the local
sex club. E knew the owner and he had allowed us in without membership for
the night and the guy had reserved us a table bang in front of the stripper’s
podium and banned all camera’s, asking members to leave their phones in the
deposit boxes in reception. I liked this guy instantly.

The stripper wasn’t performing yet, it was still relatively early but it gave
us a chance to down some alcohol and loosen up ready, not that Romeo
needed loosening up anymore, the man was a walking hard on.
My eyes landed on a redhead spinning a pole. Jesus she was hot. She was
one of those you knew would be dirty in the bedroom. A bit like my little
sinner.
Fuck, I needed to stop calling her that. She wasn’t my anything.
She caught my eyes and smiled as one of her legs lifted and wrapped
around the pole so she could spin her whole body around and lean
backwards.
A blond haired bloke who was sat before her turned to see what she was
looking at and narrowed his eyes on me. Lifting a gold bound finger to me
much like Jax had done to the waitress, he pointed to the redhead.
I held up a hand and gave him a nod. He returned my nod and returned to
watching his wife dance.
That was her out then.

“To…” Romeo started with his glass in the air and then cast a glance at
Boss.
“Freedom, friends and fucking,” Boss finished with our usual Room 103
motto E had and Boss had formulated years ago.
“Freedom, friends and fucking.” We all finished as we downed our shots.
“Sir.” A small voice said in my ear and I turned my head to be met with
huge chocolate eyes and bright blond hair. “I’m part of your entertainment
tonight and I’m just introducing myself. Darla.”
Her eyes told me exactly what entertainment she wanted to provide me
with and a wicked grin lifted my lips as I took in her huge tits. “That’s good
to know, honey. I’ll come find you later.”
Fuck, down boy.
She gave me her own naughty smile and a wink before turning and
displaying her arse with a swing of her hips as she made her way across the
room. She had a nice arse, quite plump but a little wobbly but her body was
tight so why not.

I turned back to the table as Boss narrowed his eyes on me. “What?” I
asked him as I tightened my own eyes.
“You, you’re a fucking whore lately.”
My brows lifted into my hairline as I snorted at him. “And why do you
have a problem with that? Jealous cos’ I can play?”
He scoffed, “Are you fuckin’ kidding me. Having a woman in your bed to
keep you warm at night beats fucking hookers galore… cool, that sounded
like the name of a chat line… Hooker’s Galore.” He said as he gave himself a
proud nod. I rolled my eyes and Jax let out a bark of laughter as a spotlight
appeared on the stage in front of us.

The curtain at the back of the stage dropped and a woman sat with her back
to us on a chair.
She wore a tight red leather basque, a long black skirt that appeared to have
a split all the way up the side, fishnet stockings and heels the height of the
empire state building. My dick reacted happily as What Now’s, High Class
hit the speakers and the strippers shoulders started to roll to the beat of the
music. Her back bent suddenly and my eyes widened when her masked face
tilted towards us and her long black hair swept the floor.
“Fuck, that’s hot. Would you fuck a bird with a mask?” Romeo whispered
in my ear.
“Fuck yeah, I know what you mean. That little bit of mystery as to what’s
under there.” He nodded in agreement as we both turned back to the stage.
The girl lifted her arse high in the air as she unhurriedly stood. Her hips
were driving me crazy as they swayed and rocked to the beat and I swallowed
heftily.
There was just something about her that drew everything in. My body
reacted to hers and hardened everywhere as she lifted her hands and ran them
through her long hair and slithered them down over her tits and then back up
to the zip at the top of her basque.
My heart thumped in eagerness as she slowly lowered the zip, tempting the
fuck out of everyone in the room as all eyes trained on her.
Slowly, very slowly, she opened her basque and all the men in the room
groaned as her exquisite small pert tits made my mouth water.
Fuck, I just hoped she was available for fucking after. I wanted this bitch,
fuck that, I needed this hot little number.

She let the piece of red leather drop to the floor as she moved nearer to us,
her whole body demanding my attention as her fluid dancing heated my
blood. I was near ready to climb on the stage, throw her on the floor and bang
the fuck out of her. She was just so damn tempting.
I knew it was because she reminded me of Spirit; Hell, she was her twin,
the long black hair and tiny tits stirring the rage in my guts and tightening my
balls painfully.
 I shook the images from my head and focused on the masked little dancer
now edging further towards the end of the stage, ready for the twenties
everyone would slip into her thong. I knew how it worked and I pulled a few
from my pocket, eager to slide my fingers up her smooth thighs to reach said
thong.

The stripper gestured to the tie on the side of her skirt and tilted her head in
question as she looked out to the darkened room. Shouts of ‘Yes’ ‘Fuck yes’
‘Take it off’ rumbled through the room and she smirked as she slowly pulled
on the tie and the long slip of material dropped to the floor.

My head swam.
My stomach rolled.
My heart stopped.
What the fuck!
My blood exploded in my brain as the room erupted in whistles and dirty
shouts when the wings of a phoenix curled up from beneath the small triangle
of material covering her pussy and over her hip bones.

“Spirit?” I hadn’t even realised I’d left my chair and I had no idea how I
had managed to climb on the stage without even knowing it, but I suddenly
had her shoulders in my hands and was shaking her frantically. “What the
fuck?”
I bent and plucked her basque from the floor, pressing it against her chest
to cover her tits from these pervy leers.
She just stared at me before two hefty fuckers had hold of me and were
tackling me off the stage. “Get off the fucking stage!” A security guard
growled at me as he dragged me backwards.

I was so fucking angry with her. What the fuck was she playing at? A
stripper? A dirty fucking stripper? Fuck… just Fuck, fuck, fuck!!
“Sit the shit down!” A familiar voice hissed in my ear and I turned to see
Janey glaring at me, “You’ll get her sacked.”
My mouth hung open as I stared at her. “Jesus Christ, Janey.” I scoffed as
she pushed me into my chair and dragged a spare chair up to the table.
“Do you wanna get both your faces in the paper?”
My heart stuttered when I realised she was right. “That why she wears a
mask?” I asked as I took another glance at a frozen Spirit.
A small slither of my heart went out to her when she appeared lost and…
frightened. Why the fuck did she look frightened?
She remained silent and still; her chest heaving violently as she held the
scrap of leather to her chest where I had placed it. The whole population of
the room were shouting an encouragement for her to get on with it as her eyes
locked on me and didn’t move.
The little redheaded pole dancer appeared and stood in front of Spirit,
taking her cheeks in her palms and gently speaking to her.
Spirit shifted her eyes to Redhead as Redhead’s hubby appeared and joined
in the conversation.

Jesus Fuck! My brain was on fire, it didn’t know what to think. Was she
really a whore? Did she crave all the sexual attention from men?
Was I not enough?

Fuck! Fucking Fuck!

My heart, the lump of muscle in my chest that was already frozen, finally
solidified; finally, once and for all, annihilated anything it ever held.
I along with it had had enough. Why did God make you fall in love? It just
led to pain and an ache worse than purgatory.
Why couldn’t Spirit… why couldn’t she love me?
Was I too broken for her?

I glanced back at her. She nodded slowly to the guy who was giving me
quick flicks of deadeye and I curled my lip at him. What the hell did he
know?
He nodded reassuringly back to her with a soft smile and climbed from the
stage, giving me a final glare as he passed.
Up yours, arsehole!

The music fired up again, much to the rooms delight and Spirit’s hips
started to move again; quite reluctantly at first but as she removed her gaze
from me and stared across the room, she seemed to move more fluidly.
Jesus Holy Christ!
Every eye in the damn room was on her, on her tits, on those smooth soft
thighs, on the length of her supple shapely legs. On the rise of her breasts, the
pink abundance of her nipples. The smooth skin tightly pulled over the small
mound of her stomach.
Well at least she’d put weight on now I was out of her life. Maybe I had
been dragging her down, making life too difficult for her.
She certainly looked healthier. Her eyes were clear and beautiful, a sign her
veins were also the same.
She appeared sober too.

I rolled my lips, ignoring Janey mumbling something in my ear, as Darla

reappeared with more shots.
I snatched one up, downed it and turned to her. “You ready now, honey? I
want between your thighs right the fuck now!”
She blinked but smiled, “Sure, I’ll just get some cover and book it in.”
I nodded as I stood before bending into Janey’s ear, “Tell the bitch to go
fuck herself.”
She gasped and looked at me sadly, “Don’t do this, Bulk. You have no idea
what is going on here.”
I scoffed and laughed with absolutely no humour. “Oh, I have every idea
what is going on here. I bet she’s already shacked up with Kenny, opening
her legs for him every hour, on demand.”
Her face said it all and I shook my head with both anger and sadness, “I’ll
say no more then.”

Darla emerged from nowhere and I took hold of her hand firmly before
pulling her against me and licking a trail along her jaw, over her cheek and
up to her ear. “You ready cos’ I most definitely am? I am gonna fuck you
crazy.”
She smiled widely and giggled before nodding and pulling me towards
some stairs.
I didn’t look back.
I didn’t want her face in my head when I fucked this tight little blond to
hell. Fucked the little sinner right out of my system.
But as Darla rode the hell out of me in a little room at the back of the club,
all I could see was black hair, bright green eyes and the brightest smile on the
damn planet.
 CHAPTER 16
SPIRIT

Something broke deep inside me when I watched him climb the stairs with
Darla.
I waited until they had disappeared behind the top floor door before I
allowed my legs to give in to the shake and I collapsed in a heap, banging my
head on the chair as I went.
Romeo, Jax and Boss were beside me within moments, Romeo lifting me
gently into his arms and carrying me through the rear curtain whilst barking
requests at people to show him where the staffroom was.
“Spirit, what the hell is going on?” He asked as he lowered me into a chair
in the corner of the room.
I didn’t answer him at first, just looked at him in a daze as my heart
rocketed inside my chest, making me feel dizzy and sick.
“I’m pregnant!” I burst out randomly.
He keeled back on his heels and stared at me wide-eyed. “What?”
“I’m pregnant” I repeated unemotionally as my world finally stopped
moving. The relentless push of life now seemed to shrug and let me go,
allowed the pressure of my life to cease when all of a sudden, now I knew I
had lost him forever, nothing mattered anymore.
God could kick me in the shins, the earth could demand I leave
immediately, Satan himself could rise from the ground and take hold of me
and it wouldn’t matter anymore.
Because I didn’t want to be here anyway.
I didn’t want this anymore. I wanted to be free of this shit. Free from all
the pain and agony, free from all the crap life threw at me relentlessly, over
and frigging over until it was like a huge ball of suffocation around me,
squeezing every inch of life from me that I had to give.
I wanted to be free of the sting and the stab.
I wanted to be free from myself.

“Oh shit, darlin’” Romeo sighed as he sat back and rested his arse on the
floor.
 I shrugged, still staring at the wall as though it would magically produce
something that would take the hurt away.
I knew what would take the hurt away.
My veins knew also, and they begged me to fill them with the numbness as
my brain lifted in excitement at the thoughts racing through it.

“He has no idea.”

I scoffed, “Well that’s stating the obvious. I didn’t until five weeks ago.”
I stood and smiled softly at him. “I need to go,” I whispered as my heart
ached with the goodbye. “You… you’ve been a good friend, you know that.”
His brow puckered before he nodded with confusion, “Hey, I’ll be fine.”
I opened my arms, encouraging him to close the gap. He did immediately,
drawing me into his trim body and enveloping his arms around me. “You
should tell him.”
I nodded faintly, “Soon.”
He rested his hand on my cheek, “Why don’t I like this goodbye, Spirit?”
A small laugh fluttered from my mouth, “Because goodbyes are always
sad. They take a small piece of you with every one and leave you that little
bit emptier.”
His eyes deepened, the pure chocolate of them turning into a deep grey as
he studied me with a tight expression. “Darlin’, you sure you’re okay? Bulk
was pretty damn… well, he’s a fucking knob, that’s all.”
“Yeah, but he’s hurting Romeo, and the pain of loss is something that
never leaves. It refuses, it sticks like fucking glue, rotting and decaying
everything inside you. Be there for him, see him through the tunnel, eh?”
I blinked and coughed as I gave him another smile, trying to relive the
worry on his face. “Now, I really have to go, but take care.”
After planting a soft kiss on his cheek, I left the room and exited through
the rear door. I didn’t need Janey following. She would fuck it all up.

***

I palmed my stomach, holding my heart in my hand and trying to push it

through as a tear dripped from my chin and landed on my thumb. “I am so
sorry, baby.”
My tongue licked hastily at my lips, trying desperately to remove the pool
of tears that were collecting rapidly across them. “But you know, you know,
it will be so much better, so much more…” I squeezed my eyes, begging the
stupid tears to just stop. They were making it harder. “…Free,” I finished as I
tickled my fingers across the small rise of my belly.
“I know you are beautiful, too beautiful for this. For me.” I whispered with
a soft smile, “You deserve the world, the whole wide world in your hands
and I… I know that I can never give it to you, never give you what you
deserve. I don’t deserve you, I know that now.”
I licked my lips again as I eyed the lines of coke decorating my glass
coffee table with a pretty pattern, each a perfect line in symmetry to the one
next to it, each a white rung on the ladder leading to heaven.
“We’ll make it this way, baby. We’ll be happy and… and… together,
together with Amy. All of us, all three of us, finally…”
The pain in my heart was tremendous. I could physically feel the slow
shatter, like a slow motion movie playing inside me, exploding my heart into
millions of pieces, each piece embedding into my soul as they splintered and
made it scream in a torturous agony.
“I… I want you so much; so, so much…”
I pulled in a deep breath, one that filled my lungs fully, one that calmed me
and soothed my soul as I knelt at the table and picked up the twenty pound
note.

There was a soft smile on my lips as I rolled it tightly, tubing it securely

and I blew out the breath as his face swan before me, “And you’ll always be
with me… always, because now I take a piece of you with me.”
I blew him a kiss and leaned towards the table, towards oblivion, towards
death.
Towards peace… finally.
So very finally.
 CHAPTER 17
BULK

“GOD DAMN!!!” I screamed as my ankle jarred with the force of the kick,
the substance of the door fighting against me as I rammed the base of my
boot into the frame where the lock resided.
It finally gave and crashed against the hallway wall giving us access and
opening what could potentially be the gates of hell.
I was terrified what we would find. My stomach was in my throat as I
rounded the hallway into the lounge.

I stuttered to a stop, a whimper rolling out of my mouth as the guys behind

me slammed into me with my sudden halt.
Her desolate eyes lifted to mine from where she sat on the floor, slumped
against the sofa with her knees tucked under her chin and her arms wrapped
around them.
My knees wobbled in relief before my eyes flicked to the table, taking in
the lines of coke before they slammed back to hers.
“I… I couldn’t do it.”
I barely caught the whispered statement as my attention fixated on the
single fat tear that traced the delicate contours of her cheek bone.
She was broken. She reeked of it. It was like a fog around her; the
desolation and sorrow billowing from her with a physicality that touched
everything present around her.
I shivered with the chill as I approached her cautiously and crouched
before her. I heard the guys shuffling around in the hallway, giving us a
moment of privacy as I slowly reached out with my open hand and placed it
gently on the side of her wet cheek. “Baby, Spirit.”
Her eyes gradually travelled to mine and I bit down the twinge inside me at
the emptiness behind them, the once bright green jade now a dull lifeless
olive blandness. “Did you take anything?”
She blinked sluggishly and my guts screamed with a panic but I controlled
my breathing and waited patiently for her reply.
You would not believe the relief in my chest when she shook her head.
 I nodded, closing my eyes for a second to compose myself before giving
her a gentle smile and reaching into her hesitantly with my arms, lifting her
and bringing myself to stand as I bundled her ruined body against my own.
“Sort her some stuff out” I said to Romeo as I removed her from Kenny’s
depraved care and carried her down the stairs.

She didn’t speak; I wasn’t sure if she even knew where she was or even
who the hell I was.
Seeing her so utterly destroyed had slapped my denial in my face. The
damage I had done was now mocking me and gloating as I placed her gently
in the back seat. I had done this, callously and cruelly, and the guilt was
eating me from the inside, slowly soaking me with shame and regret.
“Oh dear God,” E muttered as she budged across the seat and drew Spirit
into her with a gentle pull on her shoulders.
Spirit went willingly as she curled against E and rested her head quietly on
E’s chest.
She was quiet, so quiet and no tears were flowing. Why wouldn’t she cry?
God, she needed to cry. It would help. It had helped me.
“Shush, Spirit. It’s gonna be fine.” E whispered all the way back to my
house but still she didn’t cry, not even a single tear. It was like the one that
had escaped when she was on the floor in her flat was the final one; the lost,
lonely one that had fled the misery inside Spirit and now, well now there was
nothing left… Just emptiness.
And my baby.

***

I didn’t know what to do.

I studied her blank face as I gently bathed her, my eyes falling to the
sponge as I tenderly laboured at washing away the pain.
I hadn’t bathed a woman since Shona and it felt weird to be doing it again,
but this time was so much different.
I stalled as I ran the sponge over the rise of her stomach. The soft
roundness calling out to something inside me and thoughts of another time,
another round full belly prickled my senses.
My heart clenched as I swallowed back the bile and forced myself to carry
on.
 “You should have told me, Spirit.” I told her softly, unsure whether she
was actually listening or not.
She remained emotionless, her eyes an abyss of barrenness and her face
vacant and detached. “You should have told me.” I repeated, not knowing
what to actually say to her.
I dropped the sponge and cupped the softness of her belly, a small pop in
my chest flicking my lips up into a faint smile.
I was scared, fuck I was terrified.
What if?
What if something happened and…
Oh Jesus!

I inhaled a sharp breath and moved back before lifting her out of the warm
water and planting her gently on her feet. She was so detached, so… absent
and I held onto her in case she dropped to the floor in a heap when I let her
go.
I didn’t know whether to call a doctor. The pain she was causing me with
her inner horror was consuming. The intensity of her personal turbulence was
grieving me so much that it felt like Shona all over again. Like this beautiful
tortured sinner was actually dead, deceased and lifeless inside.
“Come back to me, Spirit.” I whispered as I softly patted her dry.
She remained silent. Of course she did.

I picked her up again and carried her into my bedroom, laying her gently
on the bed after I lifted a t-shirt over her head and slipped in behind her,
encompassing her with my own body and sliding my arms around the tops of
her limp ones and enclosing her thigh with my own.
My heart constricted at the slight whimper she made as I pulled her in
tight. “I’m so sorry, Spirit; I never meant to hurt you. I would never hurt
you.”
I swallowed heavily and closed my eyes, “I’m falling for you, so hard
and… and… the guilt of that is tearing me in half.”
I blew out a breath and grit my teeth in determination. I would say this, it
needed saying and it needed to be heard. I just hoped she was listening.
“When…when Shona was killed… she was seven months pregnant with
my son.”
I noticed the flicker of a heart beat bang against Spirit’s chest and I wasn’t
sure if that helped or not but I persevered, ready to tell her, ready to open the
door and let her in.
“Shona was so full of life, her life was led for mine, and mine was led for
her. We were inseparable, so totally and utterly in love. She got me,
understood where I came from, where I wanted to be and what I needed to be.
She also knew about my… parent’s, showed me that I was… me and not
them.”
My gaze moved to the open window with the thoughts of my parents, if
one could call them that. Spirit’s thumb flickered across my own, a small soft
stroke. It was nearly not there, a faint wisp of a caress but I sighed with the
strength she was trying to give me, even though she had none left, what she
did have, she was giving it to me and she could never understand how much
that meant to me, how much her support mattered.

I remained silent for a while, relishing the soft stroke of Spirit’s thumb
moving rhythmically across the ridges of my knuckles before dragging down
deep for the courage to continue. “They, my parents, are in prison. They got
life for running a drugs cartel.”
There, it was said. It was out; the first deep dark secret out in the openness
of the room. Spirit’s stroking paused before it gradually started moving again.
Now for the biggie, the horror of my childhood and I just prayed to God
that she didn’t condemn me because I wasn’t sure, at the moment, if I could
handle that.
“They… they were sent down when they didn’t cut some coke correctly
and overdosed 38 people, killing them instantly.”

The silence was deafening. The still of her hand stirring my memories as
my mother’s distraught face swam through my eight year old head, her
frantic face as she shouted out to me, telling me she loved me and how sorry
she was before the court guards led her back down to the cells. Yeah, right! I
remembered, so clearly, uncle Tank taking my small hand in his, leading me
out of the relatives room in the huge courthouse and just handing me over to
the sick bastards who would eventually end up hating me more than I hated
myself.

The bed shifted slightly and at first I thought it was the frantic beat of my
heart causing the ripple but slowly, gradually Spirit’s body started to move.
 My whole essence stiffened in panic when I felt her legs shift.
But then she turned towards me, her body rolling smoothly until she was
facing me, leaving me slightly breathless with the beauty staring me in the
face. Her eyes scanned my face, the demand in them bringing on a fear but
then she softened; her face calmed and the coolness in her eyes warmed as
she reached out jerkily with her fingers and traced the edge of my jaw.
My body shuddered, her soft touch igniting a fire of need deep inside. Not
a sexual one for a change, but something much deeper, something harder and
more intense.
Holy shit.
“Spirit…” I choked out but she pursed her lips and shushed me with a faint
shake of her head.
“Moving on doesn’t mean people die, Bulk. It means you have taken this
fucked up world and kicked it in the balls. It means your heart can start
beating again, your spirit can start healing and your soul can dance again. It
means you can love again… love me.”

I couldn’t breathe against the emotion. They were such simple words but
with infinite solace, yet it still felt like betrayal and I wasn’t sure how to
voice that, how to get her to understand why I couldn’t do this; couldn’t be
with her, love her. Even though I knew it was too late, I had fallen. However
that didn’t mean I should act on it.
I wanted her with a need so overwhelming it was smothering.

“Did…”
I could read the tentativeness and gave her a slight nod to urge her on, “Did
they catch whoever did it?”
I sighed heavily, camouflaging my expression before I shook my head. She
slipped her hand from my face and sought out my hand, entwining her fingers
through mine delicately. “No, no evidence anywhere.”
This was so bad, my guts were coiling and my brain thumped sharply
against my skull but it needed to be said. “I… never saw her, Boss found her
and… wouldn’t let me… see her.”
My throat was closing in with the restraint of my tears. Shit, why did this
have to be so hard? “You see,” I sighed, hating the fact that I was about to
break her heart; be the vicious and cruel, broken bastard that dominated love
stories and movies. “I promised Shona, as they… at her funeral that I would
never utter the words ‘I love you’ again.”
Her eyes never flinched but she rolled her lips. “You promised her?”
I nodded slowly, trying to get her to understand that I would never break
my promise.
My heart was closing as I waited for the pain to reach her face but she
smiled softly, her pretty pink lips turning higher until her tender smile
radiated through her eyes and through her touch on my jaw.
She shifted her hand until it reached across my cheek and her thumb played
across the ridge of my cheek bone. “If… if you had got to Shona before…”
she closed her eyes for strength then opened them with a determined look. “If
you had got to Shona as she was dying and she made you promise her one
last thing, what would it have been?”
My heart stuttered to a stop as I swallowed and closed my eyes, “To… to
be happy.”
She didn’t answer me and I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t want to see what
was on her face. The thunderous peace in the room was so extreme I could
feel it probing my brain and pulsing against my cranium.

Her fingers dropped from my cheek and softly trailed a soothing touch
down my throat and over my sternum until she flattened her palm over my
heart. My breath stilled as her mouth repeated the route, her moist soft lips
leaving a damp path until she reached the place her hand rested.
“You know,” she whispered as my guts tightened and every single drop of
my blood seemed to rush to my cock, making me light headed in the process.
“You know. What we have, love or not, well, it doesn’t have to be hard. We
don’t have to wrestle with it. We just see where it goes and promise each
other to not use the term.”
I blinked hard as I placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face so I
could see her stunning green eyes. They were brighter than earlier and I
wondered if it had anything to do with her arousal or whether she was
actually back with me, the pain of the situation easing.
“I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.”
She leaned forward and brushed her lips over mine, her little tongue
slipping out and flicking my lip jewellery causing a burn in my gut.
Holy fuck, my dick was panting, begging with me to slam her on her back
and fuck her until she went crazy and I touched heaven... or hell.
The feel of her, the beat of her heart against mine, the touch of her yielding
lips over mine, the warmth of her breath stealing my own as she gently
brushed against me was both invigorating yet comforting.
“What I’m saying is… I don’t love you…”
A lump the size of Canada formed in my throat and I struggled to breathe
for a moment. My heart forgot to beat as an ache appeared to reduce my gut
to embers.
Her eyes held mine, but they were idolising me, a complete contrast to
what her mouth was telling me, “But… I reallyyyy like you.”
Was she saying what I thought she was saying?
I gave her a slightly puzzled expression and she smiled widely. “I really,
really like you. Do you get what I’m saying without saying it?”
She was saying what I thought she was saying.
She loved me but wasn’t saying it.
Did the fact that if we prohibited the words, even though we both knew
how we felt, help?
I had no idea but we could try, hell, I’d try to hold the moon if it helped.
“And I… really, really like you” I reciprocated as I captured her eyes to tell
her I was with her and that I understood.
A huge bright smile lit her face and my whole core shivered at the sheer
beauty she radiated. My god, she was stunning and I gulped as my heart
seemed to explode in my chest.
Could we do this? Could we take what we had and just roll with it, go with
the flow? Hell, I hoped so because right now, I wanted nothing more than to
have this beautiful woman and our baby in my life.
More than I wanted to breathe.
More than I wanted to live.
More than I wanted to grieve.
 CHAPTER 18
SPIRIT

The way his eyes locked on me, the heat in them surrounded by something
completely different, took the breath from my lungs and slammed it into my
brain, making me dizzy with an emotion I wasn’t familiar with.
His hand reached up to my hair and he took a tuft between his fingers,
moulding it around his knuckles until it resembled a glove, completely
sheathing his hand.
I gasped when he gave it a swift tug and my mouth was unexpectedly
covering his, the wicked glint in his eyes bringing a small smile to my lips.
“I want to taste you so much.” He breathed against me and I swallowed
heavily.
“I… uhh, you just slept with…”
His eyes bore through me, a deep regret in his expression before he nodded
sombrely, “I’m so sorry. I’d just found out you were living with Kenny.”
Shit!
I stiffened and pulled back. Kenny had completely slipped from my
thoughts and I screwed up my face.
“I was just angry Spirit, it didn’t mean anything, it was just sex… no
emotion, no feelings.”

I slipped out of bed and looked around the room for my clothes, “I have to
go.”
He jumped up off the bed, grabbing my wrist and yanking me back hard so
I fell on top of him, my butt landing in his groin. He groaned and circled me
with his arms, holding me tight against him until I was bracketed against him
securely, his growing erection greeting my ass crack with a firm hello.
“I refuse to let you, I have kidnapped you and you are now all mine.
You’re my new toy, and I intend to play. I will tie you up if I have to and
force feed you snails and horrible gooey green things.” He chuckled slightly,
his humour forcing a slight laugh myself.
“I can’t” I giggled as his long fingers dug into my ribs lightly and wiggled,
causing my laughter to become louder and heartier, “Stop!”
 “Never!” he smirked as he flipped us completely, my back hitting the bed
with a heavy oomph as his knees flanked my hips so he was hovering above
me without squashing my stomach.
A soft smile lightened his face as one of his large hands gripped the edge
of my shirt and bunched it up so it was gathered underneath my boobs. He
placed his other hand gently over my stomach without removing his gaze
from me. “I gotta ask,” he whispered hesitantly and I nodded.
“Yes, it’s yours. Although I’m angry that Romeo told you.”
He shook his head as he lowered his eyes to watch his fingers circle my
belly button, “No, he was worried. He gave me a right fucking off.”
My eyes widened but he shrugged. “I deserved it. I was trying to hurt you
and I succeeded. And for that I am so sorry, honey. I panicked, I…”
I placed my hand on his chest, his very firm muscular chest, and lowered
my eyes to take in the scenery.
“I… The video…” he said as his eyes fired and his body flinched when I
stiffened. “We should talk” he said somewhat cautiously and I fought the bile
back.
“No, honestly, you don’t want to know.”
He regarded me, his eyes narrow and curious as he heaved a heavy sigh,
“Why.”
“Why? Because it won’t help either of us, that’s why.”
He leaned forward until his lips lightly pressed against my forehead, his
warm breath wisping over the miniscule drops of sweat that were forming in
my anxiety, but causing my heart to twitch in response. “I want to. No, I need
to know everything about you, Spirit; your life, your happy times, the painful
ones, the sad ones. I need to absorb it all; I need to see your soul.”
Oh Jesus Christ. Why did he always have to make things difficult? The
pain in the truth would annihilate whatever feelings he had for me.

I stared at him regretfully as I nodded slowly, “If that’s what you want.” I
knew I could never tell him the whole truth but maybe giving him some of it
would bate his need.
He frowned, slight annoyance guiding his expression but he knocked it
back and softened his eyes, “It’s not a matter of me wanting to hear it, Spirit,
it’s a matter of wanting you to tell it.”
I chewed my lip manically, a nausea sweeping through my body as tears
suddenly pooled in my eyes.
 “Hey, it can’t be that bad?”
He sat back on his heels and took my hand, sweeping his long fingers over
my short stumpy ones in a calming manner and I nudged myself upright until
I was knelt before him. Taking a deep breath I removed my gaze from him
and placed it on our joint hands, wanting to watch our union for the last time.
“I…” My brain stuttered as my larynx knotted and my gut twisted with
nerves, “I made a porn movie to… to pay off my heroin debt.”

The silence was consuming, its thickness curling round me and squeezing
my body in a vice, the pressure making my ears pop and my heart scream in
pain as I waited for his reaction; for any reaction, but he was still and quiet,
too quiet.
I daren’t look up. My eyes refused to meet the horror in his as my ears took
in his heavy breaths and the hammering of his boisterous heartbeat that was
audible in the silence.
“You… you’re a heroin addict?”
I could hear the clenching of his teeth as he voiced his revulsion. “I was,” I
answered quietly, still refusing to meet his gaze as I concentrated on the crisp
ironed lines in the duvet cover.
I choked back a sob as his hand slipped from mine, dropping it with a thud
against the bed before he slowly but heavily edged backwards.
Away from me.

I felt sick. I felt immoral. I felt hurt. I felt exhausted but most of all I felt
disgusted with myself after what Bulk had gone through because of drugs, his
childhood destroyed and maybe his spirit along with it.
“You made a porno to pay for drugs?” he choked out as a tiny gurgle rolled
up his throat.
My eyes snapped up to his as I held back the vomit I was currently
wrestling with. “No, I didn’t… I didn’t do it to pay for them, not like that. I
did it because… because…” I couldn’t tell him, it stuck in my throat as my
heart refused to betray him, even now.
“I… he…” I shook my head slowly, my teeth sinking harshly into my
tongue as my brain refused to explain.
“He?” he asked with a tilt of his head and his jaw tight and sharp. His eyes
were bitter and a little hostile but I shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter” I murmured as I cringed inside.
 He scoffed loudly, his jaw hanging slightly open in incredulity, “I think it
does? I think it matters a lot, if you can’t even talk about him, whoever he
is!”
My eyes widened with his tone, the jealousy evident and blatant in it.
“Bulk, there’s nothing to be jealous of…”
“I’m not jealous!” he raged as he paced across to the window, his hands
rubbing his head frantically and his body rigid as he strained to control his
temper.
I remained seated on the bed watching him struggle with whatever was
going through his head.

Minutes passed as we both waited for… what? I wasn’t sure but we waited.
“I…” he growled low and I blinked at him when he spun around to face
me. “Shit, never mind… Is there anything else?”
I shook my head as I swallowed the lie and held his gaze as easily as I
could, “No.”
His eyes narrowed in suspicion as his lips tightened to a thin line. He took
two steps towards me and palmed the bed, leaning into me, almost caging me
beneath his huge frame. “Are you sure? You don’t look so sure.”
I nodded and locked his gaze firmly, “Yes, I’m sure.”
His eyes flicked over my face as he climbed onto the bed, his knees once
again bordering my thighs as he drew closer. “Don’t lie to me, Spirit.” He
growled as he cupped my chin with a conflicting tender hold. “Don’t treat me
like I’m stupid. I’m not.”
Shit!
So I changed direction, feeding him a morsel to bate his doubt. “I did it to
pay my huge drug bill, okay. It was either that or die, which would you have
preferred? That they wipe me out? Would that have been better for you?”
His chest heaved as he drew in a thick gulp of air, “How much?”
Okay, now I was getting angry. What right did he have to ask these
questions, it was nothing to do with him, nothing!
“None of your damned business” I spat as I pushed against him. I needed
to get away; this conversation was getting way too uncomfortable, way too
close.
He refused to move as he remained pressed over me, his eyes holding me
down as well as his form. “Tell me, Spirit. It must have been a hefty debt to
take six men.”
 “No, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that I’m off the heroin and I paid
the debt, okay?”
I prayed he backed down; my whole body ached with a need for him to
back down but he continued to watch me as he grew closer to me, “And
now?”
“Now?” I asked with confusion.
“Coke, Spirit, are you still on the coke? You’re carrying my baby, I think I
have a right to know that much at least.”
“No, I’m not using and I haven’t had a drink since I found out… happy
now?” I stormed, fuming at the way he was treating me, talking to me like I
was a child.
His finger tilted my head back and he stared at me, his eyes penetrating
mine, looking for a speck of coke in my system but eventually he sighed and
a small smile twitched his lips, “Good.”
“Good! Good! You know what, Bulk, fuck you!”
How fucking dare he praise me like a child, how dare he judge me. “Just
move, get out of my way.”
He glared at me, his nostrils flaring as his eyes blazed and his teeth cracked
as he snapped his jaw together, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I shook my head in despair as I ducked under his arm and slipped off the
bed. He reached out for me but I moved back, “Spirit! Damn it!”

He sat watching me as I hunted the room for my clothes, my temper rising

at each unproductive drawer and bare cupboard I came across. “Where are
my clothes?”
He shrugged smugly and I shrugged back sarcastically, screwing my face
up like a three year old haughty child, “Well, I’ll just have to walk home like
this.”
He was off the bed quicker than I had the door open as he pushed me
against the back of it and confined my body under his. “What the fuck is
wrong with you?”
I saw red and snarled at him.
His whole body stiffened over me and a growl much louder, way much
louder, than mine echoed around the room and I cursed the whimper that left
my mouth.
“I told you Spirit, never to fucking growl at me again” he stated quietly and
much too calmly.
 I trembled beneath him. My entire blood supply tingled; my brain fired
shots of electricity straight through my core and into my lower belly as every
hair on my body stood to attention with his warning tone.
His body hardened over me and I could physically see each of his muscles
contract under his skin as his eyes held an air of danger.
I could hardly pull in oxygen and my head swam as an intense pulse
rippled through my body.
“Fuck!” I whispered as he cupped my mound, the heat from his hand
drawing the moistness from me as I struggled to keep my eyes open in the
heavy atmosphere between us.

A smug smile twisted his lips, “Already so wet for me, Spirit.”
I pursed my lips angrily and narrowed my eyes on him, “Why does sex
with you always have to be a damn contest?”
His lips lifted higher, the smug smile now resembling an arrogant grin,
“You wanna see who can win?”
I gulped as his finger slid over my inflamed clit, delicately stroking his
bent knuckle over the sensitive muscle as my legs twitched and my thighs
trembled. I struggled to remain upright, my whole body was vibrating with
raw need and hunger as his finger slid lower, teasing my entrance with a
gentle touch.
He leaned in closer, his mouth settling beneath my ear and dampening my
already heated skin with his own hot breath. “I think you’ll lose, honey,” he
breathed against me and I bit my lip to stop the moan, “Because in exactly
four minutes you’ll be begging me to fuck you.”
“Oh really?” I scoffed, well I tried to scoff but it came out more like a
whimper.
He didn’t answer my question but slipped his finger lower until he was
tracing the entrance to my pussy and I fought with myself, refusing the groan
to free itself.
His teeth lightly grazed the skin under my ear and my chest stuttered when
he drew slowly out of me and then gradually pushed back in at the same time
as his little finger delved into my anus… “Oh… Oh god…”
“Can you feel that, Spirit, can you feel how good that is? How fucking
amazing it is when I fuck your ass with my finger?”
His words were the equivalent of pouring a bucket of hot lava over me; my
whole body seemed to erupt in heat as he dragged out and drove back in more
forcefully. “Your pussy is begging me Spirit, it’s begging to feel my hard
firm cock inside it, driving you higher and higher, nearer and nearer to that
explosion that rocks your fucking body and takes you to the high that you’re
missing.”
“Damn you, damn you, you bastard” I practically sobbed as my brain fired
up with need, the mention of the high demanding its whole attention and
commanding me to give in.
I couldn’t take it when his mouth clamped over mine and his lips moulded
perfectly to me, his lips controlling me under him, bringing the high to a new
level as his tongue entered my mouth and he fucked every single opening in
me; his long middle finger driving deep to his knuckle in my pussy, his little
one fucking my arse with expertise and temptation and his tongue, sliding in
and out of my mouth, mimicking the movement of his hand.
It was too much, the pleasure high, the need, the want, the whole fucking
sensation overdrive and I grabbed his chin firmly, “Just fuck me, take me and
make me come,”
His mouth drew back from mine and his tongue swept slowly over his
bottom lip, tasting the reminder of dampness I had left there.

His chest heaved as he stood still, his dark eyes intense and raw, “But I
win, little sinner, so I think…” He ran a finger down my throat, pausing to
tickle the dip at the base before carrying on and tracing the edge of his t-shirt
that was covering me.
His other hand lifted and I choked out a gasp when he pinched the neckline
and ripped it in two, tearing the thin material straight down the middle, “I
think you need to learn some patience.”
His eyes hungrily roamed my now naked body and paused to take in my
tattoo. His finger traced the wings, up and over my hip bones, “I like this. It
makes me fucking hard.”
I nodded, nothing to say really but when his teeth clamped hold of my
nipple and his tongue circled around the pulsing flesh my whole body
charged with desire and I took hold of his head and held him to me, “Please.”
I wasn’t sure what I was begging for but I knew I needed to soothe the ache
in my pussy, it was driving me insane.
He pulled away from me and narrowed his eyes, “Tell me what you want.”
“I want to come.” I said simply because it was that simple.
“How?”
 “What do you mean how? Sex is usually the answer” I answered with
confusion.
He smiled and the look of pure sex on his face made my thighs clench,
“Bathroom.”
“What?”
“Into the bathroom, Spirit, now.”
I shrugged and did as he asked before I ventured into the en-suite. He
swept my hair to the side and ran his tongue down the length of my neck,
“Into the shower.”
My nerves hitched and I turned to stare at him, swallowing fearfully as I
gave him a shake of my head.
He frowned and cocked his head in question. “I uhh, I have a fear of
showers.” I told him, giving half an answer reluctantly.
He barked out a laugh but then sobered when he caught my horror,
“Why?”
I rolled my lips and closed my eyes as the visions assaulted me, the slip of
my feet in the water, the blood, the pain, the screams.

“Here,” He whispered and I opened my eyes to see him stood gloriously

naked in the large cubicle with his hand held towards me and a tender
reassuring smile on his face.
I shook my head and stood frozen to the spot. He took a step towards me
and took my hand in his, “Let me help, honey.”
My heart leapt as my stomach slowly crawled up my throat, threatening to
burst free with the pounding in my body. “I promise I won’t let anything hurt
you.”
“But…” I blew out a breath, trying to calm my nerves and wanting so
much to let him help me. I wasn’t sure why I trusted him but I did so I placed
my hand in his and gave him my nerves to quash.
“Good girl.” He gave me an ultra-wide smile as I placed a foot in the
shower tray and placed my other hand on his arm, his bicep flexing under my
touch as his eyes held mine and supported me mentally. “So proud of you,”
he encouraged and I voiced a little whimper but smiled a little.
“I’m gonna turn on the shower, okay?” His eyes were still locked on me
securely and I gave him a slight nod. He reached out, feeling his way as he
refused to move his gaze from mine, “Ready?”
I nodded stiffly as my whole body trembled so much my legs were shaking
with terror. “Listen to me Spirit,” he said softly. “It’s just water, warm
soothing water. I’m here…” The shower clicked and a soft trickle gushed
over my feet making my entire head pulse with pressure. “And I won’t let
anything bad happen. You can keep hold of me and I promise I won’t leave
you. You’re gonna relax and feel the flow of the warmth on your skin, relish
in its pleasing serenity.”
He leaned into me as he unhooked the shower head from the wall and
rested his mouth on the side of my neck as he held it away from me. “And
I’m gonna blow your mind with it.”
I placed my shaking hands on his shoulders when he knelt before me
slowly, his eyes still secured to mine.

I shivered as I felt his hand slip between my thighs and urge me to open
them. “Hold onto me” I rushed out in alarm.
“I will, I promise.” He said confidently as he gripped one of my hips.
I closed my eyes and shuffled my feet apart gradually, concentrating on the
feel of his hand on my hip, drawing my attention to the bold hold of his
fingers, the pressing of his skin on mine. “Good Girl, you’re doing really
well.”
I nodded briskly as a slight satisfaction rolled though me with his praise.
“Now I’m going to aim the water on your feet, you okay with that?”
I clung tighter to his shoulders but nodded my head. I needed to do this, I
wanted to do this and I wanted to do it with Bulk. He made me feel safe and
secure with his comforting words and soothing touch, making this easier.
“Okay.”

I jolted when I felt the splash of warmness tickle my feet but Bulk’s fingers
dug deeper supporting me physically and emotionally. “It’s okay. It’s just
water, honey, just warm soothing water.” I nodded. “Look Spirit, watch as it
tickles your skin, invigorates your pores and stimulates your blood.”
I drew in a breath and lowered my eyes slowly to the ground, stiffening in
fear as memories of four years ago erupted in my head. The crack as the
shower head smashing into my skull and the water filling my mouth and
nose, plugging my lungs and slowly drowning me as his fists progressively
broke my ribs one by one.
“Bulk…” I rasped as I retched. My heart was pounding so much it was
making me feel dizzy and woozy.
 “Ssshhh, ssshhh, ssshhh. I’m here baby, I’m here. Look at me. Look at me,
Spirit.”
He positioned the shower between his knees to stop it from spinning
around the cubicle and placed his hands on each of my forearms, sliding them
up and down in a soothing action.
“I – am – not – going – to – hurt – you,” he said firmly and slowly. “You
are beautiful, Spirit. I would never hurt you, ever. But if I find out who did
this to you, I will personally rip every fucking breath from their lungs.” He
finished with a growl and I screwed my eyes shut, angry at myself for being
so weak as I took a step back out and shook my head at him.
“I… I can’t do this.”
He nodded reluctantly but let me back all the way out.

He stepped out and joined me after he had switched it off and pulled me
into his arms. I was trembling, the memories refusing to fade as I choked out
a sob. “Shush.” He whispered against my head as I curled into him and let
him take it from me.
“I’m sorry” I apologised sincerely, “I wanted to do it for you, but…”
“No, Spirit, it’s fine. You need to do it for yourself, not me.”
He tilted my head back and the anguish in his eyes hurt my soul, “Who did
this?”
I shook my head and pulled away instantly, “It… no.”
He sighed and I watched the heavy rise of his chest, his disappointment in
my undisclosed secrets burning in his expression, “Okay, but soon honey, we
are gonna get it all out of you. I know you’re stood there thinking fuck off,
but it will come.”
I nodded but knew that it would never come; it would never fight its way
out of the box I had padlocked it in. Never rip off the chains surrounding it
and never, ever leave my lips.
I never wanted to see that kind of hatred on another person’s face,
especially Bulk, which was on Danny’s that day.
Ever.
 CHAPTER 19
BULK

I took her shaking hand and led her over to the bed, “Lie down. Face
down.”
I wanted to demolish the horror that was torturing her face. Whatever had
happened to her in a shower must have been horrendous because the terror
she had displayed was shattering. Her wide eyes, the way her body had shook
violently, the way her heartbeat had pulsed wildly through the soft skin on
her chest and the way my soul had heard the cry of hers was dragging a knife
across my heart.
She gave me a hesitant look but did as I asked when I gave her a small nod.

She was fucking stunning. The way her back curved gracefully, the soft dip
of flesh at the base of her spine and the soft roundness to her backside was
mesmerizing and my hand twitched as I spied the pale skin of her buttocks,
the memories of how that paleness turned to a glowing pinkness, the heat
glowing on the surface of her smooth skin when I had spanked her.
Fuck, my cock was throbbing rigorously and I bit back the desire to dish
out the pain. She didn’t need that right now, she needed tender; she needed
me to blow her mind and obliterate the battering her memory was giving her.

She jerked when I rested at the bottom of the bed and took one of her little
feet in my hand and swiped my thumb up the centre of the sole.
“Relax.”
She nodded and I watched her body sink into the mattress as she made
herself slacken determinedly.
I followed the length of her leg, my fingers burning a trail along her
sensitive skin as I physically watched her body heat up and her breath
quicken.
“You are so beautiful, Spirit. Your soft skin, the way your smooth thighs
call out for my mouth to taste, the delicious curve of your perfect bottom,” I
told her as I worshipped each area I spoke of. “The way your spine begs for
my tongue to ride each groove; asks for my fingers to follow its path up to
the delicious velvet skin of your neck.”
She was writhing beneath me as my body covered hers, my fingers and
tongue making their way slowly up the length of her until I reached the nape
of her neck.
Gently pulling in what give her skin would allow, I moaned in satisfaction
at the taste of her. The mild touch of cherry that had transferred from her hair
onto the skin of her neck was delicate but overpowering to my arousal and
my dick practically shuddered in hunger. My whole blood stream was
scorching my veins as my balls drew in tight, eager for me to satisfy their
need.

I kissed each inch of her neck until she tilted her head sideways and
offered me her mouth. I wouldn’t refuse, I would never refuse her.
Her tongue sneaked out as I moved closer to her luscious lips and swept
across my bottom lip. The action generated a growl and my hand slipped into
her hair so I could pull her head further back and slam my mouth over hers.
She groaned heavily as her tongue attacked mine, twisting and probing as
her little gasps hardened my already rigid erection, the tiny moans she was
making aching my balls and the heat of her breaths mixing with mine sending
my brain into turmoil.
“God Spirit, I’m gonna fuck you until you can’t breathe. Hard, slow and so
very deep. Until you scream my name and fuck me back just as hard.”
Her hips lifted as she ground her backside into my cock and I bit her
bottom lip in response.

I moved back and nudged her knees up until her plump little ass was high
and inviting, her glistening wet pussy calling out in need.
She groaned deeply when I ran a finger over her warm flesh and brought it
to my mouth, moaning as her taste erupted inside me. I repeated the action
but instead took it to her mouth instead of mine, “Taste yourself, taste how
fucking delicious you are.”
She parted her lips, allowing me to slip my finger in and press it against
her tongue. She closed her lips around it and sucked gently, her eyes
fluttering closed as a soft shudder rippled through both her and me.
As she started to suck I released the hold on her hair and very gently teased
her pussy, sliding my middle finger inside her deeply but slowly.
She arched her back, controlling the penetration and sucking my finger in
further.
Taking the finger that had been in her mouth, I pressed into her anus; her
thighs clenched as she accepted me and a deep rumble in her chest drove me
wild with a need of my own.
“Fuck me, Bulk, please. I need you inside me. I need to feel you.”
I ignored her and bent my face to her pussy, circling her hard clit with the
tip of my tongue then running the flat of it over the swell. She growled louder
this time and pushed into my face, her desire begging for more, for
satisfaction and gratification.
Giving her clit more quick flicks and driving my fingers in and out of her,
it was a matter of seconds before she was grinding onto me, her hips circling
and her moans increasing.
“Come on, honey, let me taste you. Come on my face…”
I didn’t finish the sentence before she cried out and jerked violently as her
orgasm tore through her, each of her satisfied sobs physically lashing my
cock. I couldn’t wait any longer and as I pushed my cock into her heat slowly
the deep snarl that left her throat had me forcing my cum back into my balls.
Shit, not yet.

Her breath stuttered as she lifted into me, taking me in and allowing the
length of me inside her.
Nobody had ever before managed to take all of me but Spirit’s desire and
craving for pain had her clamping hold of my dick and forcing me further in.
“Tell me to stop when it’s too much.” I managed to say but she carried on,
drawing me deeper and deeper until I was balls deep inside her.
“Holy shit, little sinner, you got me all, baby.”
“And it’s so good” she whispered with a slight rasp in her voice. “Fuck me,
Bulk, please.”
My gut tightened and a shiver shot up my spine as I withdrew slowly and
pushed back in, her tightness drawing my foreskin strictly and her cervix
greeting my loop of silver invitingly.
“Oh yeah, harder, fuck me harder.”
She got what she asked for as I pulled out then slammed back in.
“YES!! Fuck yes, like that. More.” She demanded as I repeated the action
and rammed against her womb. “Give me the pain Bulk, I need it.”
I settled my mouth on her shoulder and clamped hold of her damp skin
with my teeth, biting down as I slammed into her over and over.
 Her arse was high and I slid a hand down, over her tight buttock, giving her
a hard spank before digging my fingers into the now sore flesh as she bucked
back on me harder and harder.
As I drove two fingers into her anus and hammered her pussy hard and
deep she gripped the headboard so she could push herself further onto me.
Jesus Christ, she was feral and wild as she fucked me with equal brutality,
her loud moans tainting the air with sex and vulgarity. My heavy balls were
slapping against her clit, my fingers were pounding into her ass and her pussy
was demanding my climax as we growled, groaned and cried out with our
lust.
As soon as she stiffened with the approach of her orgasm I bit harder into
her shoulder blade, ground my fingers deeper and slammed my hips into her
pelvis, driving my cock deeper than ever.
An ecstasy I had never felt before charged through me as a current surged
up my spine, slamming into my brain before filling my veins with an
exquisite raw pleasure that exploded my cum from my balls and erupted into
her.
Every single muscle in my body contracted and sent the most delicious
pain roaring through my system and into my brain as my cock filled her tight
cunt with my spunk, masses of it until my balls shuddered with the emptiness
and my spine tingled with gratification.
She screamed my name, my real name, as she came in floods around me,
her pussy tightening to a strict hold, her body shaking and her throat a dry
rasp as she cried out. The sound of it, her sweet mouth parting with the single
name that hadn’t been uttered since the nickname the guy’s had given me,
brought a new tightness inside me; one to my heart and I knocked back the
emotion swamping me. I wasn’t acknowledging anything as I felt something
soften inside me, a deep rooted hatred that was ever present shifted slightly
but I didn’t accept it, I ignored it. It wasn’t there. I hadn’t felt it.

Spirit flopped face first onto the bed with a deep grunt and I drew out of
her slowly, disregarding the reluctant pull in my gut when my dick hit the
cold air.
I lay down beside her, watching the soft lift and fall of her back with each
heavy inhalation and smiled softly when she turned her head towards me, her
face flush and her forehead damp with sweat, “Hey, beautiful.”
Her cheeks coloured even more and I couldn’t help but chuckle at her
embarrassment. “Nobody has ever called me that before” she said quietly as
her eyes studied me to see if I was genuine.
I frowned at her, “Really?”
Really? I mean, what the fuck! I couldn’t believe it; no way had nobody
ever called her beautiful, she was fucking stunning. The pure raw beauty to
her face and soul lit the air around her; even bloody angel’s gasped when she
passed.
“Not even your parents?”
Her eyes widened and she barked out a bitter laugh, “Especially not my
parents.”
She kept her face bright but I could see the light in her eyes extinguish and
my fists clenched at her hurt. “I take it you weren’t a close family then.”
Her lips twitched but she shook her head faintly. “They were too interested
in getting stoned to even realise I was there.”
I ran my finger over the dip in her chin and slowly drew it up across her
cheek before holding my palm gently against it, “How old were you when it
started?”
I watched her throat dip but she held my gaze confidently, “I was five the
first time they forgot to collect me from school. By the time I was five and a
half I had learnt to cook beans on toast, fix myself some cereal and…”
“And” I urged her gently, not liking where it was going but needing to
share her ache.
She pulled back her shoulders and sighed, “And… roll them a joint, mop
up their vomit, dress and wash them both and… and when I was six I picked
up my dad’s guitar and made my first friend.”
I smiled softly and wiped away the tear that trickled down her cheek, her
sadness enveloping us and darkening the room with its intensity.

We didn’t speak for a while; both of us lost in our heads with our
childhood memories haunting us until I trailed my hand down between her
breasts and lightly stroked a finger over her pubic bone, “Why the phoenix?”
She stiffened slightly and swallowed but didn’t back away. Her eyes dulled
faintly before they shifted and she stared behind me, her mind wandering and
her thoughts elsewhere, “Spirit?”
Her eyes flicked back to mine and she smiled, but it was far from a happy
smile and the pain held in it twinged my chest. “I was born River Phoenix
Jolene Spirit Brannigan.”
 My eyes widened and I grinned broadly, “Fuck, I bet you need two lines on
forms for that one.”
Her eyes twinkled and she slapped my arm lightly, “Funny.”
She giggled though and the sound completely lifted the atmosphere in the
room. “Christ Spirit, that is amazing.” I said earnestly as I reached out and
stroked a stray strand of hair off her face.
“What is? My name?”
“No, that sound you just made, I’ve never heard it before.” I said with a
wink and she delivered another slap before turning onto her back and
concentrating on the ceiling, curling her arms behind her head and frowning
at something her memory was relaying but her body appeared easier and
more relaxed and my eyes dropped to the way her breasts stood firm and
upright… my dick twitched.
“Go on.” I pressed, now desperate to hear what she had to say as I
completely ignored the rise of my cock and shifted slightly, cursing the damn
throb as Spirit was indulging me in a piece of her.
She pursed her lips but kept her gaze upwards, “I… uhh, I had some stuff
to deal with about four years ago and… well when I got through it, I came
down here with Kenny to chase the music career and changed my name and
got my tattoo.”
I nodded as I copied her pose and lay back with my arms tucked behind my
head. “But why the phoenix, is it symbolic or just cos’ of your name.”
I turned to her as I felt her turn towards me. Her face was dark and sombre
as her eyes pierced something inside me, “No. I had the phoenix done
because everyone who touches me there burns out violently.”
My eyes widened as my brow hit my hairline, “Uhh, what?”
I refused to look at my dick; the thought of it bursting into flames had a
slight panic coursing through me.
She shrugged and rolled back over and I just stared at her. “You can’t say
that and then… nothing.”
My heart was starting to pound fiercely but she turned to look at me, her
eyes sad but then her lips twitched and she burst out laughing, “Jesus Christ
Bulk, what do you think I am, a witch?”
She pulled up onto her knees and starting waving her hands around over
my dick. “I, River Phoenix Jolene Spirit Brannigan, the witch of the southern
corner of bullshite, do cast a curse on you my fine friend of pain and
orgasms."
 She was giggling wildly and the sound of it brought on a laugh of my own
as she concentrated on my groin and narrowed her eyes, “I curse you to a
lifetime of limpness and shriveldom and every time you enter a sweet pussy
your balls will shrink a little more and your arsehole will seal up.”
I growled at her and flung her backwards on the bed as I tortured her with a
relentless tickle of my fingers. She squealed in delight and thrashed around
underneath me, yelling and swearing at me as I refused to let up.
Her face lit up my heart, her happy laugh and relaxed mood bouncing off
the walls and brightening the whole room, making me stop and stare at her.
She blinked up at me then frowned, “What?”
Something inside me was closing tightly as something else opened up and I
swallowed down the lump that was forming in my throat as my chest
clenched. I leaned forward, brushing her lips with mine softly, “I really like
you, River Phoenix Jolene Spirit Brannigan; really, really like you.”
She gazed at me for a moment before her face erupted into a huge beam,
“I’m impressed, you remembered my name.”
I grazed her lips again, begging her to open her sweet lips and let me in,
“And I’ll never forget it.”
A tiny whimper left her before she crashed her mouth over mine, taking me
into oblivion with just her kiss. The way she subtly dominated me was
completely spellbinding and I cursed myself when I echoed her moan and
slid a hand into her hair, needing to feel more of her.
“And I really, really like you Chase Donnelly” she whispered against my
lips before she pushed at my chest, forcing me to roll over.

I couldn’t remove my eyes from her as she lifted herself over me and sunk
onto my hard dick slowly. My head whipped back as she completely took me,
all my length was disappearing inside her as she watched me intently and I
couldn’t seem to steal a breath.
I groaned loudly as she lifted then plunged back down gradually, her pelvis
grinding against mine as she descended fully.
Her hands rested on my chest and I lifted my own to her breasts, rolling her
stiff nipples between my fingers as she started to ride me harder, her soft
moans escalating as her rhythm increased until her tits were bouncing heavily
and her fingers dug into my flesh with her vigour.
“Give it me honey, let me feel your sin.”
She screamed out loudly as she drove down one final time and ripped my
orgasm from me before she bent over me and kissed me urgently as her body
twitched with her come down. “You do know this is mine now?” she said as
she pulled my bottom lip between her teeth and then licked the throb away as
she clenched her pussy walls around my dick, indicating what she was
referring to.
I couldn’t hold back the wide smile before I nodded, “Every inch, honey.”
She beamed at me and waggled her eyebrows. “And how many is that
actually?” she asked around a mischievous grin.
“What?” I asked in confusion.
“Inches.”
I snorted and shrugged, “I have no idea.”
Her jaw dropped before she jumped off me and placed her hands on her
hips, “Well I’m real sorry but we need to find out, it’s a matter of life and
death. Janey wants to know. Ruler?” She held out her hand as if I could pull
one out from under the pillow and pass it her.
“Spirit, I uhh, I don’t think I have a ruler.” I was in shock and just shook
my head and chuckled at her excitement.
She grumbled something as she cast a glance over the room then turned
back to me, “Well I’m sure you have a tape measure.”
“Uhh, yeah. Kitchen drawer under the sink.”
She nodded firmly before turning and skipping out of the door, completely
naked and I was silently glad I didn’t have a dog. Even the dog wouldn’t be
allowed to look at such a pure delicacy. She was mine now, and that meant
that incredible body was all mine; every inch of it.
Talking of inches, Spirit reappeared three minutes later with a wicked
smile and the tape measure.
“We need to get the monster back to full height first.” She stated
irrefutably as though the following experiment was of upmost importance, a
mission from the government.
“Of course” I nodded back seriously.
I really liked this mission and it was my duty to provide as much help as
possible.
 CHAPTER 20
SPIRIT

“Come on, it’s past…., Holy shit, sorry.” I heard Boss rumble and I peeled
open an eye.
“What time is it?”
“It’s past nine. It’s Sunday, Bulk Breakfast Bonanza day.” Boss said as he
peered at my face closely.
I snapped my eyes open and stared at him, his face was so close I could
feel his breath across my cheek, “What are you doing?”
“Checking for teeth.”
“W..What?” I stuttered.
“Your teeth, I’m checking to see if you still have them” he answered as he
stuck a finger in my mouth and slid them across my arid gums.
“Fuck – off!” Bulk mumbled grumpily from beneath the duvet and I
gasped, looking down at myself and praying I was wearing something before
I remembered Bulk slipping a t-shirt over my head before we snuggled into
each other and fell asleep.
“Why would I not have teeth?” I asked as I shuffled my bum back and
leant against the headboard.
He scoffed and inclined backwards so he could analyse me, “With the size
of his cock, I’m surprised he didn’t knock the buggers out.”
I rolled my lips as I snuck a look at Bulk. He was shaking his head slightly
and sighing heavily. “I’m sure I told you to fuck off Boss, in fact I’m fucking
positive I did. Please tell me why you are still here.”
He still hadn’t emerged from under the quilt and I looked back at Boss as
he continued with his muttering. “And please tell me why you are still in bed
at this time? It’s Sunday, Bulk, it’s Sunday, you know - breakfast day.”
“I twigged that the first time you mentioned it, now fuck – off. I’ll be down
in a bit.”
“Really, you’re not just saying that to get rid of me? My tummy’s hungry
Bulk, can you hear it? It won’t shut up!”
“Like its fucking owner!” Bulk snarled loudly and Boss winked at me.
I chuckled at the pair of them and nudged my legs to the edge of the bed,
“I’m coming, Boss. I’ll cook you something.”
He beamed at me and sighed happily, “Bulk, I am in love with your girl.”
“Mmmm,” Bulk mumbled from behind me and I smiled when I felt his
arms wrap around my waist. “And I really, really like her too.”
I sighed contentedly and snuggled back against him.
Boss stared in bewilderment then shrugged and slapped my thigh, “Come
on girlie, I need feeding.”
I smiled and nodded at him before he left us to it.

“Good morning, honey.” Bulk breathed against my neck as he swept my

hair to one side, “Sorry about him, I always cook for the band on a Sunday
morning as the girls go to baby swim shit with the babes.”
I turned my face to him and smiled, “That’s okay, if you want a lie in, I’ll
do it.” His brows rose and he peered at me in amazement, “What?” I asked.
He shook his head and scoffed, “You are the first person to offer. The guys
just took to coming here all the time cos’ I’m the only one out of them that
can cook. Thank you.”
I shrugged, baffled slightly at his thanks. “That’s okay. You grab a shower
and I’ll make a start.”
“You sure?”
I nodded happily, “Yeah, go on.”
He planted a quick kiss on my cheek before he jumped off the bed and
walked into the bathroom. I watched with a low jaw as his delicious arse
cheeks clenched with every step. “Holy fuck, you have an amazing arse.”
He turned and grinned at me, “You do know you said that out loud?”
“Did I?” I mumbled dreamily as my eyes now dropped to Titan, his
morning greeting mighty and large. “YOU HAVE AN AMAZING COCK!” I
shouted and he laughed, shaking his head slightly with humorous bafflement.
“I shouted that out loud.” I winked and pulled open one of his drawers.
“What are you looking for?” he asked softly as he came up behind me and
cupped my arse.
“Something to wear cos’ you’ve hid my clothes.”
He bent lower and pulled out a pair of sports shorts from his bottom
drawer, “Any good?”
I pursed my lips and regarded them before pulling them on. Bulk laughed
out loud and I scowled at him, “Well I think I look rather sexy” I
admonished, faking umbrage and trying to hold back my laughter.
 He grabbed the bottom of the hem and pulled them from under my boobs
where I had positioned them, to my waist and I groaned as they lowered to
my shins, “You’d look sexy in a damn Hulk costume.” He growled playfully
and I beamed happily at him.
“I know. You should see me in my Sesame street bird cossie. Awesome,
proper hot stuff, baby.”
He laughed heartily as he ventured into the bathroom. I turned and caught
myself in the mirror. There was something there what hadn’t been there for a
while and it took me a while to work out what it was.
Hope.

***

“I wonder why they don’t just do the whole breakfast thingy in a sausage.”
Boss mumbled as he inspected a sausage skewered on his fork and everyone
sighed when they prepared for Boss’s light bulb moment. “I mean it could
totally work,” he continued, mainly talking to himself as we all gazed at him
in awe. It really was amazing where he came up with it all. “You know, I
mean they do some amazing flavours, our local butcher does Bloody Mary
sausages with vodka and tomato, absolutely wicked.”
We all carried on staring at him as he rattled on; Jax even placed his
cutlery down and rested his chin in his hands, getting comfortable for the
duration.
“And I bet curry and rice ones would be cool. But, I mean you could
perfectly have all your breakfast in a single sausage.” He twisted the sausage
round, regarding the thing as he narrowed his eyes in thought, completely
oblivious to our attention. “Bacon, beans, tomatoes, ooh and mushroom, oh
God and fried bread bits, all in one little cock shaped food item.”
We all nodded slowly, all the eyes in the room hypnotised by the twirling
of Boss’s sausage.
“And I bet pork chop flavoured ones are nice.”
Jax barked out a laugh as Romeo shook his head sadly, “Boss, the fuck?”
Boss squinted in confusion at Jax, “What?”
“You do know that they do pork sausages?” Romeo asked and then cringed
as he waited for an answer.
“Yeah but I mean, actual pork; like what they use in pork chops.” Boss
argued and Romeo closed his eyes and drew in a steadying breath.
 “Yeah mate, pork chop sausages would be totally cool.”

I smiled and looked around the table, my feelings already growing for this
bunch of awesome guys.
They were wholly with each other, perfectly mixing and matching like the
pieces of a jigsaw slotting together, each bringing a different part of the
picture but when they came together as one, the complete picture was
harmonious.
Janey, Kenny, Eric and I had been like that once, each of us supporting the
whole of us and fitting together perfectly.
I sighed and closed my eyes when I thought of Kenny. How could I tell
him I was in a relationship with Bulk after everything he had done for me? It
was cruel and I knew it would hurt him.

“Hey” Bulk interrupted my thoughts and I turned to him.

“Sorry? What?”
“I said, penny for them.” His brow was creased with an anxious expression
and I forced a smile.
“Nothing, I’m good.”
He continued to observe me but then smiled and shook it off when I forced
my smile wider.

“Ooh girlie, we’re doing a private tonight at Yellow’s, you coming? E and
Jen are going.” Boss asked as he shovelled in another whole sausage.
I think he liked my cooking. “Sure” I answered with a genuine smile this
time, “Okay if I invite Janey?”
He smiled happily and nodded after he reached over and speared my own
sausage, “Sure, but it’ll cost you your sausage.”
“Is it pay in advance? Cos’ you seriously ate that before you answered my
question.”
He laughed and shook his head with a huff, “Girlie, you have a lot to learn
but I’m sure you will.” He winked at me before he eyed Bulk and grinned,
“Nice to see its return, big guy.”
Bulk frowned in puzzlement as he shrugged, “What?”
Boss smiled around his fork as he popped a mushroom in his mouth, “That
light, Chase.”
I heard the slow grind of Bulk’s throat muscles struggling to swallow as his
loud gulp pierced the silence in the room. “What the…”
Boss held up his hand and tilted his head at Bulk as he shrugged
nonchalantly, “You were Chase the last time I saw that in your eye, but I’ll
tell you now, I missed it, I fucking missed it and it’s good to have it back.”
He didn’t give Bulk a chance to respond as he slid his chair back noisily,
walked around the table and patted him on the shoulder before he winked at
me and left through the kitchen door.
Jax and Romeo both stood at the same time and also patted Bulk on the
shoulder as the made their way out of the same door, “Catch ya’ later…
Chase.” Romeo said as he pulled the door closed behind him.

I stared at my plate, not sure what mood Bulk would now be in but I
cringed when the feet of his chair squealed noisily on the floor and I heard
the back door open and close again.
I looked up and sighed as I spotted him traipse down the garden, his
shoulders low and his feet dragging on the grass.
I knew he was struggling with our relationship but it wasn’t until now that
I realised how much it was actually disturbing him and I worried whether we
could withstand the backlash from it.
My heart felt heavy as I watched him palm the pagoda at the bottom of the
lawn and bury his face in his hand. I ached with him, his sadness enveloped
me and crushed my spirit with it as I sat and contemplated what I should have
done different. Should I have left well alone, left him to continue in his grief
and misery? Or was I right as I tried to help him through? Was I actually
mentally strong enough to fight this fight with him?

Sighing heavily, I stood and collected the dishes as I started to clean the
debris from the boy’s breakfast.
Bulk remained outside for a good hour, just stood palming the pagoda and
staring into space as he battled with the ghost that haunted him, but he
returned with an easy smile; one that covered the whole of his face – and one
that camouflaged the entirety of his grief.

***

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jen growled at Zoe, her best friend, as
she barked an answer to something Jen had said.
 We all turned to look at her; her attention was on the floor as E gave Jen a
shrug of confusion. “I, uhh, I…” Her gaze shifted to Romeo on the stage as
the band played one of their new songs and the room went wild.
“You…” E pushed, causing Zoe to close her eyes with a look of distress on
her face.
“I’m…” she whispered and we all leaned towards her, having missed the
words. She coughed to clear her throat as her eyes lifted to Romeo again and
I tipped my head slightly as I noticed the sad look in her eye. “I’m pregnant.”
A silence swept across the table and I lowered my own eyes guiltily.
Snap love.
“Right…” Jen sighed, “Romeo?”
Zoe shook her head, “You know it’s not like that with us, Jen. It’s just… a
bit of fun. We’re not serious. It’s not like I love him or anything, just fun, you
know…”
“Zoe!” Jen snapped and Zoe huffed as her eyes filled with tears.
“He hates me,” Zoe rasped. “Romeo,” she added when we all gave her
another confused look, “He hates me cos’ he… cos’ I… well you know.”
Jen blew out a deep breath and pulled her friend into her arms, “I know he
doesn’t hate you, treacle, it’s probably just a shock.”
“Him and me both!” she scoffed as she gave Romeo another swift glance.
“He told me, he told me, Jen. He told me it was just fun between us. You
know how much I want him, you know, but he didn’t wanna take it further.
Over two God damn years now I have put myself on hold for him. How long
does he expect me to wait for him?” She continued to babble as we all gave
her sympathetic looks, “Shit, fuck! Why is life so fucking shit?”
We all snorted in agreement and then a horrible thought fluttered around
my mind. “Uhh, when did you tell him?” I asked her.
“This afternoon, just before we came here. He stared at me in shock and
then I blurted out it wasn’t his… not really nicely. It was his face, I
panicked.”
I really hoped my talk with Romeo hadn’t caused his reaction to Zoe’s
news. Romeo didn’t seem the type to act like that but did I really know them?
I just smiled and nodded and turned my attention back to the guy’s. They
were all rocking out, completely mesmerising the crowd with their final song
and a smile lifted my lips as Bulk turned to me and winked; his face alight
and so fucking beautiful that a little gasp stuck in my chest.
 His fingers plucked the strings expertly and a pang of jealousy stabbed me.
I missed it, the whole deep rooted sensation of liberation and gratification;
the burn in your blood, the pounding in your soul and the way your spirit
came alive and rocked the fuck out of the room. It was all gone now; the
atmosphere, the crowds demand for you to fuck with their own souls and the
utter satisfaction knowing those people thought you were the God damn
goat’s gonads.

His grin got wider as mine got dirtier. Romeo came up behind him and
nudged him, egging him to take his attention from me and get on with the
show but Bulk scowled at him and smirked before turning back to me and
swiping his tongue over his bottom lip slowly.
I raised my eyebrows at him but giggled as I stood from my chair and
raised my arms in the air, swaying my hips in time with their song as I
mouthed the words, recognising it from the tour.

‘Make me move, make me bite,

We’re not gonna stop this rhythm all night.
It’s coming on a high, the way you take me down,
It’s so good, I’m forever gonna sail and hear this sound.’

I could feel the hatred towards me from Bulk’s female fans as my dancing
stole his attention. His eyes were dark and intense as they perused my
shifting body; his fingers remained solid on the tune as his chest heaved and
he sang the words with me.
Romeo smiled at me and nudged his head, gesturing for me to climb the
stage with them.
My grin was wider than the Pacific as I nodded manically and made my
way through the throng towards the stage. I motioned to a hefty guy to give
me a bunk up; he grinned and hoisted me straight on the stage with one swift
lift. I grinned at him as Bulk scowled at him.
The blood rush was amazing as Bulk took the main whilst Romeo lifted his
guitar strap from around his neck and passed it to me with a faint nod.
I gave him an apprehensive smile but he nodded again.
Well that was just the fucking camel’s cock. I winked and beamed at him
in return as I scooped it over my own neck and felt the surge of power as my
fingers curled around the neck and stroked smoothly along a fret whilst my
other hand worshipped the steel of the strings. My core exploded with happy
neurons as my body and mind prepared to meet my soul.

I breathed deep and looked out at the crowd, ready to bring them along on
the ride with me, scoop up their lives for a few minutes and rule every
thought in their heads.
My eyes flicked closed then slowly opened.
My stomach died as my soul bounced in excitement at the sight of a face I
hadn’t seen for four years. My heart stumbled over a beat as my lungs
collapsed with the pressure and my veins tightened in fear whilst my whole
world ground to a stop.
Danny.
Danny.
Fuck, Danny.
 CHAPTER 21
BULK

Did she have stage fright? I couldn’t understand why she had frozen solid,
her eyes wide and staring out at the masses as her body started to tremble
rigorously.
“Spirit?” I urged in a whisper as I continued to play, trying to keep the roll
going as Romeo sidled up beside her.
“Spirit, what the fuck are you doing?” He hissed but she remained
motionless as he unhooked the Fender from her neck and took it from her,
swiftly coming back in with me for the fade.
I couldn’t remove my eyes from her as Romeo continued to egg her out of
whatever had put her in a trance. “Spirit, snap out of it!”
He turned and shook his head at me as Janey approached the stage and was
hoisted up by a few guys.
“What the hell is wrong with her?” I asked Janey as she hurried over to
Spirit.
“I don’t know. She’s gone into shock I think.” She shouted above the
music as she grabbed hold of Spirit’s forearms and peered into her face,
“Spirit!”
Janey frowned then followed Spirit’s line of vision.
I had never seen blood rush from someone’s face as quick as it did then.
Janey went white as she also stared out into the crowd.
“Fuck!” she spat as her whole body seemed to deflate, her shoulders
dropped and her legs wobbled as she turned to me. “Get her off…NOW!!”
My eyes widened on her but she shook her head frantically as she tried to
lift Spirit herself when I didn’t move fast enough, “Bulk, please. We need to
get her out of here now, God damn it!”
I looked out at the crowd, wondering what the hell had terrified them both
so much. Kenny came into view as I squinted against the lights but it was the
bloke next to him that grabbed my attention. He was huge and I mean huge!
His upper body resembled the build of a wrestler as his shirt wrapped around
pecs the size of boulders. But it wasn’t that what worried me, it was the way
he looked at Spirit. He was locked on her, his lips curled into a sinister smile
as his eyes iced my veins, his whole body was rigid and he screamed trouble.
 Who the fuck?

Romeo had dropped his guitar and heaved Spirit over his shoulder, already
halfway down the stage stairs when I turned back to them. Janey was trotting
behind him in nine inch heels as Boss and Jax stared at their retreating backs.
What the hell was going on?

I followed them through the building and into the dressing room as Romeo
placed Spirit in a chair. Her face was ashen and full of fear but her eyes were
what grabbed me; she was staring at Janey, silently having a private
conversation with her, as excitement twinkled in them and her chest lifted
and fell hurriedly with her rapid breaths. She looked like she was battling
internally with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, both elation and panic running
through her expressions.
“Don’t you fucking dare!” Janey warned her but Spirit didn’t answer as the
door opened behind me and her eyes widened on whoever was stood there.

Everything seemed to happen so fast after that. Janey screamed at Kenny

then seemed to launch like a panther across the room and smash her fist into
big guys face as he appeared behind Kenny.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Danny? Get the fuck out of
here! You’re not allowed near her!”
Danny?
Where had I heard that name before? And why wasn’t he allowed
anywhere near her? Something was really shitting me up here and I narrowed
my eyes as I searched my memory banks for where I knew him from.

I stood stunned and bewildered as Kenny grabbed Janey’s arms and pulled
her off Danny. “Hello sis, nice to see you too,” Danny smirked as he wiped
the blood from his cheekbone and I curled my lip at his sarcastic demeanour.
The twat was full of himself and I growled under my breath when he turned
his attention to Spirit who was sat silent and immobile in the chair.
“Hello, River.”

What the fuck?

The room fell silent as everyone turned to Spirit; her eyes had lost their
wide startled look and had softened as she lifted them to Danny.
 She didn’t reply, just sat and gazed as her chest heaved and her throat
bobbed manically causing my gut to clench. I could see in her eyes what this
dude meant to her, and I swallowed heavily when I realised what it was.
Love.

“You’re looking good, baby.” He smiled at her, a large wide grin lifting on
his good looking face. It was easy to see why Spirit had gone for him, and
that’s what I presumed had occurred between the pair. His square face was
very masculine, his nose was crooked giving him a bad boy appearance and
stubble covered his chin but his blue eyes were mesmerising, crystal clear but
very deep. His grin was the shit and his body… fuck!
Shit!

“Get the fuck outa’ here Danny!” Janey hissed from the doorway as Kenny
let go of her.
He turned to her and gulped, planting a woeful expression on his face.
Knob!!
“I just want a word with River, Janey, that’s all.”
“Yeah, right. Just go before I call the police.”
He frowned at her, “I won’t hurt her. I just need to discuss something with
her.”
“No, Danny…”
“It’s okay, Janey.” Spirit finally spoke up and all eyes once again turned to
her.
“Like fuck!” I barked without realising I had even voiced anything.
Danny turned to me with high brows, silently questioning my outburst as
his eyes scanned my frame and a cruel smile twisted his lips, “And you are?”
“A friend!” Janey exclaimed quickly before I had chance to answer as she
gave me a quick flick of her eyes, telling me to back down and keep quiet.
I frowned at her but she ventured across the room and crouched before
Spirit, “Don’t do this, Spirit, please. You know… you know, Spirit.” She
spoke quietly and I had to tilt my ear towards them to pick up the
conversation. “He’ll work you, Spirit, you know he will. Please, sweetie,
please don’t!”

I drew in a slow heavy breath as Spirit smiled slightly, “It’s okay, Janey.
I’ll be fine, just a quick word. You can stay outside, and I promise I’ll shout
you if I need you.”
I didn’t like this, something was really wrong if Janey’s terror was
anything to go by.
I glanced at Danny who was smiling softly at Spirit and I clenched my
fists, wanting to wipe the damn false smile off his face. Arrogant bastard!

Janey shook her head and placed her face in her palms, “God damn Spirit,
you know what? Fuck it! I refuse to go there again, just… Fuck you!” she
said bitterly before she pushed off the floor, scoffed with contempt at Danny
and Kenny as she passed them and left.
Danny cleared his throat and I looked at him. He quirked a brow and titled
his head towards the door, asking me to leave.
I stared at him for a while, silently warning him that I would rip his head
off if he hurt her but his lips twitched again and Kenny grabbed my arm,
“Come on Bulk, leave them to it.”
I shrugged him off and turned to glare at him, “Yeah, me and you need a
word anyway.”
The slight flicker behind his eyes and the drop in his expression gave me a
satisfied pump in my chest and I smirked at him before I turned to Spirit and
dropped to a squat before her, taking her hand in mine. She tried to snatch it
back as she glimpsed a look at Danny but I held on firmly. “Honey, I’ll be
right outside.”
I placed a gentle lingering kiss on her forehead. Yeah, maybe to show
ownership but fuck it, she was mine, yet I hoped deep down inside me that
she was and I hadn’t left it too late. I knew I had hurt her with all my fucked
up shit, my grief building a wall between us and right now I wish I had taken
a sledgehammer to it when Spirit had tried to climb it.

She nodded and smiled tenderly, her eyes seeking mine and locking on
tightly when she focused properly, “Okay.”
I gave her an encouraging nod and another kiss, but this time on the corner
of her mouth and I pursed my lips when a tiny, near inaudible growl skimmed
the air in the room.
Fuck you, she was mine!

I stood and turned to Danny, taking a step into him, my height giving me
an advantage over him as I looked down at him. “Hurt her and I’ll rip your
dick off and shove it so far up your arse you’ll be able to give yourself a
blowjob!”
He laughed loudly with a self-assured glint in his eye, “I’ll take that on
board.”
Egotistical fuck!

I gave Spirit another glance but she smiled and then turned her attention
back to Danny, causing a pain in my chest.
Shit, why did that hurt? I didn’t love her, I couldn’t love her. My grief
wouldn’t allow it, but had she not referred to it when she said she liked me?
Had I not said it back, yes, I had and I meant it, I fucking meant it. I loved
her.
It was like a slap in the face and my chest bubbled as my heart beat faster
and faster.
God damn, I loved her more than life, more than my grief and I spun
around to tell her, the words on the tip of my tongue eager to be voiced, fuck
who else was in the room but when her eyes shifted back to me, they
evaporated from my lips and I winced. They wouldn’t come; they were stuck
in my chest now, sinking lower and lower, back deep inside me to be locked
away again.
I closed my eyes, willing it to come back, to rise up and be strong but it
just wouldn’t come as Shona wavered through my mind.
Spirit’s brow quirked at me, a slight frown marring her beautiful face but I
just gulped and gave her another smile before leaving them to it and closing
the door quietly behind me.

As soon as it was closed my hand was around Kenny’s throat as his back
hit the wall with a muffled thud. “You fucking twat!” I spat at him, my anger
surfacing with the smug expression on his face.
“Bulk!” Jen warned as she appeared beside me, placing a hand gently on
my arm but I shook my head at her and turned back towards Kenny. “Leave
her alone now, or I swear to God, I’ll get you knocked for dealing.”
He scoffed and smirked at me, “It’s not me using Bulk, you should ask
Spirit about that.”
His words and superior behaviour brought my own smug smile, “Oh,
didn’t you know, Kenny? Spirit hasn’t used for over five weeks now.”
His face dropped as he gave me a confused frown before he broke into a
vile laugh, “Then you don’t know Spirit, Bulk.” His lips curled higher as his
body stiffened, preparing to defend him with his next words. “Spirit and I
have been fucking the shit out of each other for the past three months. After
you so ceremoniously dumped her she turned to me for comfort.” He said
with a fake doleful expression, “And I must say, my girl likes to be fuelled
when she fucks me like an animal!”
Jax , Boss and Romeo were pulling me back and I blinked when I saw
blood trickling down Kenny’s face, I couldn’t recall even punching him as
the white mist covered my vision and my heart started to pump too fast,
causing a burning sensation to course through my veins.
I couldn’t breathe properly when my vision was assaulted by the two of
them fucking. My stomach rolled and I bit my own lip in anger, bringing a
trickle of my own blood dripping down my chin.
I blew out a breath and turned to him; my mouth opened just as Romeo
stood in my way and shook his head, “Don’t!”
We all turned when the door to the dressing room opened and Danny
walked out. He sought me out, his eyes scanning the corridor for just me, and
when his gaze met mine a sharp smile covered his face before he winked,
“Pleasure.”
That was all he said prior to walking down the corridor and disappearing.

Spirit emerged then, her eyes on the ground and I frowned when she
wouldn’t meet my eye, “Spirit?” Kenny asked. “I take that you’re coming
home with me now?”
She blinked hard and squinted at him, “Uhh…”
“No, she’ll be coming back with me so back the fuck off!” I warned as I
reached my hand out to hers. She regarded my hand with a crease on her
forehead before she lifted her eyes to mine.
“I’m going home… alone!” She murmured as she eyed me wearily and I
smirked at her with a shake of my head.
“Nope, not with He-man around, I don’t like him, Spirit. What is it
between you two?”
Kenny barked out a laugh and I curled my lip at him before turning back to
Spirit.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m going home, alone Bulk. Please, I just need some
time to think.”
“Why do you need time to think?” I asked with narrow eyes as I took a
step towards her, “What did he say that you need to think about?”
She huffed but shook her head. “I’ll ring you,” she muttered as she turned
and walked off.
What the fuck?

“Spirit!” She turned back to me and I wasn’t even sure if her attention was
on us or somewhere in her head. Her eyes seemed misted and detached but
she looked at me and I rolled my lips at the pain and confusion on her face.
“Text me when you get home, okay?”
She nodded then flicked a smile to the others before she walked slowly
away.
I couldn’t grasp what was happening. Was she still in love with him, did
she still want the knob? What was their history?
I knew it was something big the way Janey had behaved, but what
concerned me was why he wasn’t allowed near Spirit. A picture of her in the
shower coiled in my stomach and I pulled in a heavy breath.
He had hurt her, and I didn’t just mean emotionally, physically too.
But then if that was the case, why the hell had she also looked excited to
see him? It didn’t make sense, none of it, but I knew I’d find out and if Spirit
thought I would back down easily and watch her walk away, or back to him,
she was in for a shock.
 CHAPTER 22
SPIRIT

I threw my keys on the table, sagged down the wall and cried; Danny’s
words swirling around my head and assailing every single emotion my body
could cope with.
‘I forgive you, baby. I can’t stop loving you; I won’t ever stop loving you,
River, ever.’

Why now? Why the hell now? Everything had seemed to be starting to
make sense in my life. My past was easing, never healing, but slowly getting
easier with each of Bulk’s smiles, and the look in his eyes when he watched
me. The way his tongue would sneak out to tickle the piercing on his lower
lip when I looked at him and the way he touched me, like I was the meaning
to his life, his soft caresses and fierce passion were consuming but now I was
all confused.
I couldn’t read my heart or my head. They were both battling with one
another, both of them pulling this way then that way.
‘You have been my life for ten years River, don’t waste that on a fucked up
notion that stud out there can take care of you. He doesn’t know you River;
he doesn’t know what you want… what you need.’

As I placed my palm over my stomach, a small smile naturally curled my

lips as I looked down, but my brain shivered as I pictured the blood.
Fuck! Why wouldn’t these damn images leave me alone to rest in peace?
My ears whistled when an echo of my screams filled my senses, each
horrific crack on my skull resurfacing all the pain and terror. Every blow to
my ribs sending a shot of pain through me as my body shivered with the
memories. The hatred on his face brought forward new tears, fresh cries from
my throat and I choked on the bile that was trying to climb out of me.

I closed my eyes and started to sing. Emile Sandé’s, My kind of love rasped
out of me as my cries became louder and my body quaked with each racking
sob.
 ‘I can't buy your love, don't even wanna try.
Sometimes the truth won't make you happy, still I'm not gonna lie.
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for
you.’

But did it still beat for him? Everything was so confusing, my mind felt
like it was going to blow, the pressure behind my eyes was unbearable and
the compression in my chest was choking.

‘I know I'm far from perfect, nothin' like your entourage.

I can't grant you any wishes; I won't promise you the stars.
But don't ever question if my heart beats only for you, it beats only for
you.’

Danny had once promised me the stars and more. Had he delivered? In the
beginning, maybe. But after, when it had all started to go wrong, he had taken
me to hell, right up to the gates and pushed me through them without a
second thought.

‘Cause when you've given up.

When no matter what you do it's never good enough.
When you never thought that it could ever get this tough,
That's when you feel my kind of love.’

And it never was good enough for him. When we first met, he had taken
my shit and sorted through the bad to show me the good, but then, eventually,
he had taken me back to the shit that I had been trying to run from.
The day he ‘saved’ me was so fresh. The look on his face the moment I had
walked into Janey’s kitchen aged fourteen, him eighteen, as he scrutinised my
creased clothes and the way my hip bones had protruded through my dress.
The dark expression that had covered his face as his narrow eyes lifted to
mine suddenly disappeared. He had then inhaled deeply and smiled as his
eyes softened and he held out a hand to me.
I closed my eyes as I recalled his argument with my parent’s that same
night after he had driven me back to the shitty damp and cold caravan in the
field we shared with a few other hippies.
 I had always done my best to keep everything clean, but as Danny had
taken my hand and led me through the broken door, my parents had been on a
bender and… well you can imagine.
He sent me back outside and then followed me after ten minutes with a bin
liner full of my stuff. From that day on I had stayed with them, sharing
Janey’s bed and gradually falling in love with her brother; my knight in
shining armour, once my saviour and then eventually my downfall.

“Oh dear God!” I whimpered, remembering that fresh faced boy and the
way he had idolised me, the way he had ultimately loved me, his devoted
statements of love and tender words of adoration.
And then, after eventually moving in together when I was eighteen, came
the struggles of life, relationships and homemaking. The daily grind to find
work, busking all hours with my dad’s guitar, the only thing I had taken of
theirs, as Danny scoured every shop, every business and every factory in the
area looking for work.
We argued lots, begged and stole to live and then found the escape in coke,
leading to the utter release heroin provided and the final end to our
relationship.

I needed a hit so bad, I needed to liberate my mind and stop the pulse in
my veins. I swallowed as my mouth dried with the hunger and my teeth
tingled.
“Jesus, fucking lord!” I licked my lips to moisten them as I pushed myself
up the wall and stumbled into the kitchen, my head screaming with need as
my breathing laboured and my chest restricted with an intense hankering for
abandonment.
I grasped the worktop, holding my body upright as it seemed to vibrate
violently whilst I closed my eyes and endeavoured to get a control on
everything.
It was so hard and my body shook cruelly, prompting a fierce chatter of my
teeth and a tight contraction of my larynx as my tongue seemed to swell and
my blood thickened generating a fierce thump in my chest.
My knees collapsed but as I fell, my body finally defeated and weak, I was
suddenly lifted and scooped into strong arms.

“Shit Spirit, breathe honey, breathe.”

 I gasped at Bulk as my tongue swelled further and my body convulsed
brutally. I flapped my hands around trying to tell him I couldn’t breathe but I
think he had gathered that anyhow.
He nodded calmly, his eyes firm and secure on mine, as he soothed me
with words and touch. “Baby, listen to me. You’re having a panic attack,
that’s all. I’m gonna put you on the sofa and I want you to put your head
between your knees for me. Okay?”
He spoke slow and softly and I nodded, my throat now making funny
noises as he slipped me onto the couch. I did as he asked, and lowered my
head between my knees and closed my eyes.
“Concentrate on drawing in a breath, nice and slow. Like sucking through
a straw, suck it in.”
He took my hands in his and I concentrated on the soft stroke of his thumb
over my knuckles. “That’s it Spirit, nice and slow. Bring it in and hold it for
me.”
I managed to pull in a little air as I focused on the rub of his thumb. “Good
girl, now hold it. One – two – three, and release… slowly Spirit, slowly.”
I huffed it out and my head swam. He chuckled lightly when I widened my
eyes on him. “Hit the high, baby?”
I blinked and lowered my head again as Bulk placed a hand on the nape of
my neck and gently pushed me back down. “And again, keep going but
slowly this time.”

We kept going for a few minutes, Bulk’s soft instructions bringing me back
to take steady regular breaths again.
“Okay now?” he asked as I rose upright and nodded, still taking small little
breaths but feeling near normal.
“Thank you.” I wheezed.
He smiled but placed a finger over my lips, “Get your breathing back to
normal before you talk. I’ll make coffee.”
I nodded and watched him walk across the room, my eyes deftly dropping
to watch the smooth way his jeans encased his magnificent backside when he
bent to pick a piece of fluff from the floor.
My blood heated and I removed my gaze, frightened of bringing my
heartbeat back up now that it had settled.

“Sugar?” he shouted from the kitchen and I smiled.

 “What?” I replied and smirked as I waited for his answer.
He popped his head around the doorframe, “I uhh, I meant how many,
not…”
I laughed and held a single finger up to him; notifying him I liked one
spoon of sugar. He rolled his eyes and huffed before he disappeared again.
My phone alerted me to a text and I went in search of my bag to retrieve it.
I found it, in the kitchen, in Bulk’s hands as he read it out, his tone dark and
low.
“River, think about what I said, baby and I’ll pick you up tomorrow, eight.
Goodnight my angel. Kiss, kiss, kiss.”
I chewed on my lip rapidly as Bulk snorted and dropped my phone on the
side like it had burnt his fingers. He turned and passed me my mug as he
smiled sweetly, “Your coffee – angel.”
“Bulk, please,” I tried but he shrugged as he took a sip of his own coffee
and regarded me over the rim.
“Not a problem, honey. If he’s what you want, then go for it. It’s absolutely
no skin off my nose. We were just fucking anyway, nothing special.”
Ouch.

“Okay…” I croaked quietly as I fought back the tears with his hurtful
words. “I… uhh…”
I really didn’t know what to say but wow, really. My stomach knotted as
something pierced my heart painfully. “Okay” I repeated stupidly, not
knowing what else to say.
He tipped his head and inhaled noisily through his nose, “You thought it
was something else?” His tone was flat and blunt and I couldn’t quite get a
grasp on his attitude but I stared at him with slight confusion.
“Well… I, uhh…”
He didn’t give me chance to finish as he placed his cup in the sink and
started scrubbing it with the scourer, his fingers whipping around inside the
ceramic so roughly I thought he might crack it as his shoulders stiffened with
his bitter laughter. “Oh come on Spirit, I saw the way you looked at each
other. That’s not something you want from me or anything I’m even capable
of giving, so why should you not?”
He spun round then, his eyes hard and cold as he studied me. “Tell me,
how long were you together?”
I continued to stare in stunned silence as his cruel remarks chipped away at
my heart, little by little, each of his harsh words shedding the surface of it and
leaving the centre to be pounded and beaten with more hatred and disgust.
“Six years” I whispered as my throat closed in and I struggled to obtain a
stronger tone.

Why was he doing this? Were these actual thoughts or was he just saying
them to protect himself from hurt?
He nodded reverently as he pursed his lips, “Wow, so you what? Dated,
lived together,” his eyes hardened, “Married?” He finished as he leaned back
against the sink and folded his arms over his chest.
“We lived together.”
He nodded, “Right, proper love stuff then. So what happened?”
I swallowed heavily and lowered my face to the floor, giving him a slight
shake of my head, “It doesn’t matter.”
He snorted and my eyes whipped back up as I broke a little more when he
could obviously see the pain in me but brushed it off spitefully. “Oh Spirit,
Spirit. I can see the fucking pain you hold with your separation. It’s so thick
and murky its damn choking. Come on, I want to know.”
His callous tone riled me but I held it back as I refused to look at him and
turned around, “I think you’d better go.”
His hand gripped my arm and he spun me round so fast, I lost my footing
and stumbled against him. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I snapped at
him.
“Me? ME? Jesus Christ, Spirit!”
“Bulk, please, just tell me cos’ I’m already struggling here and I don’t need
your haughty offensiveness on top of everything else.”
What was wrong with this damn man? What the hell had I done wrong
actually? His hostility was the last thing I needed right now. I would kill for a
hit and at the moment, Bulk was looking pretty good to practice on.

His chest was heaving as he glared at me. His jaw was clenched and his top
teeth were biting his bottom lip so much the flesh was going to pop any
second.
He took a step towards me as I took a step back, “I just think I have a right
to know what’s happening. Where this puts me?”
“But I don’t understand. This doesn’t put you anywhere. This doesn’t make
any difference to us, why would Danny make a difference to us?”
 “Because you’re obviously gonna be sliding onto his cock very soon,
Spirit!” he barked and my jaw dropped in shock.
My hand shot out and sliced his cheekbone with a severe slap, the harsh
sound echoed through the silence in the room but I stood firm against it and
glared at him. “What the fuck do you take me for? I am not a fucking
whore!”
He growled at me as he palmed his cheek then checked his hand for blood.
“Thank you for that!”
“You – are – very – fucking – welcome!!” I spat, “Now get the fuck out!”
He quirked a brow and took another step into me, backing me against the
wall with his huge body and my pulse quickened as a rush surged through
me. God damn! Why the hell was this turning me on?
This man was fucking crazy and sex should be the last thing on my mind.
“You want me to reciprocate, honey. You want my palm on your tight
backside, giving you what you need?”
“Fuck – you!”
My eyes dipped as his tongue slipped over his lip and his mouth twisted
into his familiar unique arrogant smirk, “You didn’t say please.”
He crushed his mouth over mine, his lips hard and controlling as his
fingers wrapped my hair around his hand and he tugged my head hard,
pulling my mouth onto his firmly.
My body ignited with greed as I slid my arms around his back and scraped
my nails over the thin material of his t-shirt, pulling him further into me as
my thighs trembled and my pussy throbbed.
Fuck, why did he make me ready for begging when not two seconds ago,
he had enraged me so much I had wanted him to leave?
“See Spirit, that sin inside you craves me.”
His hands ripped at my t-shirt, lifting it over my head so he could release
my breasts as my fingers desperately yanked his belt open so I could free his
cock, eager to feel the smoothness in my hand as I wrapped my fist around
his solid length and squeezed tightly.
“Oh, fuck!” he hissed as his mouth settled on the base of my neck. “You
set me on fire, Spirit, fuck!”

I yanked his head back to me, urgently needing to feel his lips over mine
again. “I need you, Bulk. I need you to make me forget,” I breathed against
his mouth before he swiped his tongue over my bottom lip. His eyes were
locked on mine, his gaze penetrating me to my core as he teased and nibbled
my lips.
“On your knees.”
So simple but the words fired an inferno inside me, causing a pleasurable
ripple to flow through me and my mouth to water at the thought of once again
taking his rigid cock and fucking him with my mouth.
I sank down him, my hands against his still clothed chest as my eyes never
left his through my descent.
“Give me your hands.”
I held them in front of me instantly, his domineering tone bringing a slight
moan involuntary as his huge hands enfolded my wrists and he held them
against his stomach.
He whipped off his t-shirt with his other hand then guided the tip of his
cock across my bottom lip. My tongue swept out to taste but Bulk pulled
back, “Wait!”
I sucked air through my nose to try and calm the heat coursing through my
veins as I knelt before him, awaiting his next instruction whilst he watched
his movements over my mouth.
“Open.”
My jaw dropped with his order ready to accommodate his demand and take
his hard erection inside my mouth.
“Tell me.” He said as he ran a drop of pre-cum over my chin and my
tongue shot out to catch it. “Uh-uh, tell me then you can have it.”
I frowned and looked up at him, “Tell you what?”
He teased again, trickling his shaft across my lips, enticing me as my face
followed his route, desperation making me disobedient and producing a quick
lick of my tongue over the velvet skin, “Please, Bulk.”
His fingers twisted in my hair so he could hold my head still and as he
gave it a gentle yank, bringing my face up to his, I gasped at the raw power
he was generating. His eyes were practically ablaze as his jaw tightened and a
muscle in his cheek twitched. “Tell me what happened between you both.”
“What the fuck is this?” I spat as I tried to wriggle from his hold and get
away but he detained me by my hair.
“This, honey, is me mad! Tell me and I’ll give you what you want.
Because I know what you want Spirit, you want it hard and rough. You want
me to create the pain that drives the ecstasy through you. You want me to
take you hard, right against this wall here, drive into you so brutally that you
feel me in your damn soul.”
My chest was heaving as I stared at him. He was right but I wouldn’t give
in, I wouldn’t bow down to this… shit, this blackmail and I struggled beneath
him but he slid to his knees in front of me and grasped my chin, tilting my
head back until we were so close our noses were touching.
He slid a hand over the crotch of my jeans and squeezed causing a shudder
of excitement to swell in my pussy, dampening my knickers with arousal as
my veins vibrated with the need. “This…” he pressed his palm onto my clit,
his expertise knowing exactly where to push, “This now belongs to me,
Spirit. You belong to me. You didn’t bring out these… these damn fucking
emotions in me to tootle back to fucking Popeye with a click of his fingers.”

I yanked my body backwards as his fingers popped the button on my jeans

and he slid his hand down the gap, a finger instantly finding my aroused
clitoris and circling around it boldly as his eyes burnt straight through me.
“Stop it, Bulk.” It was more of a whimper than an order and I bit my lip when
he defied my request and slid the tip of his finger over the peak of my nub.
“Shit, please Bulk.”
“Tell me, honey, tell me and you can have it.”
I was going crazy; my furious head was screaming at me to keep control as
my body pleaded for me to let go, tell him everything and take the fucking he
offered.
“Tell me!” He demanded, “Tell me what fucking happened!”
My breathing was getting out of control as I strived to draw in oxygen with
my anger as my body vibrated with a thirst I thought I would die from.
“Spirit, tell – me…”

“He beat the shit out of me!!!” I screamed at him, “He corned me in the
shower and hit me, over and over with the shower head until…” I drew in a
sob, a large heavy sob as Bulk’s eyes flamed with both rage and compassion,
“Until I passed out.”
He stared at me as I stared at him through my tears, a strangled cry trying
to hike up my throat but I swallowed it back and pushed him away as I pulled
myself upright. “Now get out! Get out!!”
He shook his head at me as he came to stand before me, “No.”
“You don’t have a choice arsehole, just go. What is it with you men? You
all think you can bark an order and I will submit. Well I’m sorry Bulk, I don’t
work like that.”
I turned away, desperate for him to not see my heartbreak, eager for him
not to see my love for him behind my eyes, but most of all frantic that he
didn’t push further because now - now, there was only one secret left, and
that one would blow the shit out of him.
 CHAPTER 23
BULK

I stared at her, trying to comprehend what Danny had done to her.

“What?” I stuttered out, “He what?”
I could feel the bile rising up my throat as Shona’s beating flickered
through my mind and my heart nearly stopped when I realised Spirit could so
nearly have gone the same way. “He beat the shit out of you, yet you look at
him like he’s fucking God!”
“I do not look at him like he’s God, Bulk.”
I scoffed and followed her into the room, my anger with her subservient
behaviour over a psychotic nutter driving me insane as it confused the fuck
out of me. “What is it with him, what does he have that you can’t seem to
break from?”
She ran her hands through her hair in frustration but I wasn’t leaving until I
found out the real reason for their split. “He doesn’t have anything, now just
leave it and leave me.”
“No fucking way. Tell me then, why did he beat you?”
“Bulk, will you just go.” It was said with a heavy sigh this time as my
interrogation dragged her down and she slumped on the sofa, dropping her
face in her hands as a shiver racked through her body.
“You hankering?” I asked softly when I took the place on the sofa beside
her and placed a hand on her thigh as I tried to keep my eyes from her
breasts, her deep inhalations lifting them and dropping them hypnotically.
“God, you’re beautiful,” I whispered and blinked when I realised I’d said the
words out loud.
She frowned at me then shook her head and rose from the sofa. “No Bulk,
really I’m not, not inside. It would be for the best if you just… left me alone.”
I stood and took the few steps needed to reach her, “Spirit, whatever it is,
just tell me, I can handle it. I’m a big boy.”
She smiled slightly with my innuendo then looked away, her stunning face
contorting with a sadness that pulled something inside me and caused a
shiver through my veins.
“Trust me, its best you don’t know. Just go Bulk, please.”
 “No,” I answered sternly as I grasped her chin and pulled her face back to
me. “Trust me, Spirit. Talk to me, please.”
She gazed at me for an eternity as though assessing my words but then
sighed and went to retrieve her shirt from the floor and slipped it over her
head, “Goodbye, Bulk.”
My anger with her pig-headedness saw me suddenly framing her body and
pushing her back against the wall. This damn woman had a way of driving
me mad, her cryptic words and the emotion that flowed through her eyes as
she obviously battled with the self-hatred and the need for solace. “Why are
you fighting this? Why won’t you let go?” I growled as her eyes pooled and
she fought underneath me.
“I’m not letting you go, not until you tell me what he has, what he is!”
“He – has – nothing! Nothing!!”
She was now screaming as her face twisted my gut with its devastation and
fear and I grabbed onto her arms to stop the thrashing she was giving herself
against the wall. “Stop it!”
Her fists hammered my chest as distraught snotty sobs poured from her,
her body racking great big heavy howls as she continued to fight me, “Spirit!
Stop it, you’ll hurt the baby!”
She stiffened immediately, her wide wet eyes staring at me and I wasn’t
completely sure if she was totally with me.
“No…” she whispered as she shook her head rapidly, “No, I would never
Bulk, never.”
The horror on her face brought my palm gently onto her cheek to soothe
her distress, “Ssshhh, I know, I know you would never hurt it.”
She nodded frantically at me as tears whipped from her face and she
blinked wildly, “No, never Bulk, never!”
“Spirit! I know, okay now stop it, I know you would never hurt your
baby.” I stroked a thumb across her cheek bone, trying to mollify her anguish
but her face crumpled and her knees buckled.
“But I did.”
It was said so quietly and so full of exhaustion I thought that maybe she
had finally lost it. “What?”
Her eyes widened when she realised she had spoken the words out loud.
Then something, I wasn’t sure what, drove a piercing pain through my heart
when the expression of defeat and weariness covered her face. Her eyes
dimmed as the life just bled out of her and her skin blanched, sagging as her
resistance finally gave. The turbulence and torture that persecuted her
wrecked me as her soul begged and pleaded for me to help her, to rid the
monster that effortlessly brutalized her constantly and devoured her from the
inside.
She lifted her face up to mine, the look of immense grief concealing her
beauty as she retched, “I killed her. I killed my baby… I killed my beautiful
baby…”
She started to mutter, the words duplicating over and over as she shook her
head despairingly. “I killed her… I killed her. She was beautiful and I killed
her.”
I was tempted to slap her to make her start talking sense instead of the
insane babble that was leaving her lips. “Spirit,” I snapped as I shook her
slightly. “What the hell are you on about?”
She was away with the fairies, her eyes staring through me and her body
shivering manically as she kept going, “She’s dead, she’s dead… I killed
her…”
“GOD DAMN IT, STOP!” I screamed at her as my head popped with the
chilling tone of her voice. If I hadn’t known better I would’ve thought she
had been possessed by something evil.
She snapped her jaw shut, her insane gibberish halting instantly and I
sighed in relief but then she destroyed me piece by piece with each of her
next words.
“I – was seven months pregnant.” Her dead eyes hollowed through my soul
as I stopped breathing with her final truth. “I overdosed on heroin and killed
her.”
Each word was spoken bluntly, levelly and so flatly she sounded like a
voice recording and I stumbled backwards as each word hit me raw and
painfully, shattering my soul and stabbing my spirit so excruciatingly. “I –
killed – her” she finished with a lifeless whisper before she left me stood, in
her hallway, as she walked through the door and closed it quietly behind her.

***

It was dark and silent, and three hours since Spirit had disappeared. I
wasn’t sure if I wanted her to come back or not. My legs were still trembling
and I was still sat hunched at the bottom of the hallway wall where I had
slumped when Spirit walked out.
 What the hell?
Just… what the hell?

I was worried about her… and my baby. What if she…

“Fuck!” I hissed as I pulled myself up and opened the door to Janey’s
frantic knocking.
She stormed past me and turned with a glare and her hands on her hips,
“What did you say to her?”
I took a deep breath and pursed my lips, “Sit the fuck down and shut the
fuck up!”
Her jaw dropped and she spluttered something but I wasn’t in the mood for
female emotional shit so I picked her up by her arms, carried her into the
room and dropped her onto the sofa.
“Tell me about Spirit and Danny!”
She snorted and crossed her arms over her chest defiantly and I grit my
teeth at the rage coursing through me, “Janey, don’t gimme your bullshit, I
am so not in the mood. Now what happened between them?”
She slid her tongue around her top teeth and continued to glower at me but
then she sighed heavily and leaned forwards, resting her elbows on her knees.
“What do you know?”
I settled beside her, resting my gaze on the flicker of the false flames in
Spirit’s ancient fireplace. “I know Danny knocked the fuck out of her, and I
also know he knocked her up.”
She nodded beside me and then closed her eyes. “Do you know what
happened to the baby?” Her voice was croaky with her emotions and
heartache for her best friend.
“Yes. She… we just had a discussion about it.” She whipped her head
round and eyed me sceptically until I gave her a weary nod, “Yeah, she sort
of told me but all I got was she OD’d and lost her.”
Janey’s face twisted with the painful memories and she swallowed heavily.
She looked down at the floor then lifted back up and secured her gaze on the
fireplace as she took her mind back.
“Danny and Spirit, River as she was then, fell in love. The usual stuff, you
know how it goes.” She turned to me and I nodded as she gave me a soft
smile. “They doted on each other. Spirit idolised Danny and in the beginning,
he adored her. They were like something out of a romance novel.”
She smiled and sighed as the memories sailed through her head but then
her brow furrowed and her face darkened. “Spirit was eighteen when Danny
proposed and then they took the next step and moved in together. When
you’re living with your parents the whole world seems rosy and easy but…
but they struggled, badly. Money was tight, Danny became volatile and
Riv… Spirit, she just seemed to submit more and more to him. It was crazy
stuff, she just rolled over and let him take, take everything out of her and
from her.”

She bit her lip and turned her face to the window, my gaze following as we
both concentrated on the flow of the rain against the window, my eyes
locking on a particular dribble as it ran down the glass, tempting me to watch
and remove myself from the horror opening up in the room. “Go on,” I urged
softly.
She continued but didn’t remove her eyes from the window. “I suspected
Danny was using for a while and when I pulled Spirit up about it, she went
mad at me, raging about how I should support my family, my brother. We fell
out and I didn’t see them both for a year.”

A sob racked painfully out of her and I placed my hand on her knee, trying
to push the comfort through and demolish her ache. “I tried Bulk, I tried so
hard with her but she was too in love, too besotted by him.”
“I know, Janey, it wasn’t your fault.”
She smiled softly then her lip curled. “I don’t know exactly when but in
that year they met Kenny.”
My heart twitched and my gut growled with the mention of Kenny but I
turned to her and nodded to guide her on. “Well… Kenny, where do we start
with him? He’s manipulative, greedy and evil and wants exactly what he
can’t have…”
“Spirit.” I finished for her.
She nodded and exhaled deeply, “Spirit and I bumped into each other, off
chance, and then we seemed to rekindle our relationship but I told her I didn’t
want anything to do with Danny. She seemed fine with that and we kept our
friendship a secret.”

She swallowed and narrowed her eyes at the memories, her eyes twitching
as the replay hurt her heart. “It wasn’t too long before I realised Spirit was
using too. She was always broke, always. She couldn’t even afford bloody
coffee when we met.”
She turned towards me, her face hard and dark. “A few weeks later I met
her and she was a mess. I knew something was wrong and I eventually found
out Danny and Kenny has pressured her into making that video. She said the
dealers were threatening to kill Danny and if she did it then they would clear
the debt.”
“Jesus Christ!” I sighed and ran my hands over my face. “I thought it was
something she’d enjoyed, something she had been willing to do.”
Janey shook her head adamantly, “No, no way. I met her a couple of days
after and she was spaced out, Bulk. It had hit her hard and she was struggling
with herself over what she had done. She blamed herself of course, but I
knew exactly where those thoughts had come from.”
“Danny?”
She nodded and cursed; her lips tight as she mumbled a swearword under
her breath and closed her eyes tightly to reel in her anger. “And Kenny. But
then Kenny decided after that he would make a ‘special video’.” She bit out,
flicking her fingers and making an air quote, “Just for an extra so he could
steal a deal with the suppliers for her. Of course the recording included him
and Danny.”

My blood shot through my veins at an alarming speed as my head swayed

with fury. What the hell had they done to her, and more importantly why did
she stay?
“I tried to console her, get her through the ‘disgust’ as she called it but it
bore her down. Until one day we met and she was suddenly so happy.”
“She was pregnant” I stated, knowing the answer because of how happy
Spirit had looked when we talked about her pregnancy. It occurred to me that
Spirit wanted motherhood so bloody much. I knew she wanted to redeem
herself through her own parenting. Forgive her parents for their ways as she
loved her own little family. She wanted to make it all right with a family and
my heart ached for her as my soul wept in sorrow. I knew that because I had
felt exactly the same way when I found out Shona… and Spirit were
pregnant.
It was God’s way of throwing a bone, of saying ‘Here, second chance and
make it work this time. Be the family you always wanted for yourself’.

I turned back to Janey and wiped the stray tear that was rolling down her
cheek away. “She was so happy Bulk, so bloody happy.”
Her smile was bittersweet as her eyes lifted to mine, “Until she came home
and found Danny in bed with her sister.”
My jaw dropped in shock and I stared at her in bewilderment, “What? I…”
“Didn’t know she had a sister?” She scoffed, “That’s cos’ we don’t
mention her.” She raised her brows at me, “Though God knows it might do
that girl some good to vent that fucking anger.”
“Fucking Christ!” I stood and walked over to the window.
Taking it all in was just so hard. My own bloody history mixed with
Spirit’s was a disaster waiting to happen. Our own grief would clash and kill
us, before we’d even got anywhere. The whole relationship was built on
sorrow and pain and my heart ached at the realisation that Spirit and I were
going nowhere. She needed someone who had the strength to support her and
give her all of them, not someone who was battling their own demons and
couldn’t give any more.

“She… she…” I heard Janey stammer and my fists clenched when I

already knew the rest of the sentence but my gaze remained fixed on the wet,
rain splattered window. “She finally gave in and took the high. Took too
much, accidently, and mixed it with Jack. She woke up empty, hollow and
dead inside two days later.”

The lump in my throat was threatening to suffocate me and I gulped hard

to fight with it, forcing it back down as my sobs jammed in my throat and
tore me to pieces inside when I refused to liberate them.
But there was more and I closed my eyes as each word pummelled my
heart and my brain.
“Danny went ballistic when he found out she’d lost the baby. He trapped
her in the shower one day and hammered her to near death.”
Janey’s sobs were harrowing and each painful cry twisted my gut harshly.
“He… he made her watch, Bulk, before he hit her, he made her watch!”
I turned to her with a frown when I didn’t understand, “He made her watch
what?”
Her eyes dulled as a choked sob ran out of her mouth. “Him and…
Summer.”
I held onto the windowsill when it clicked that Summer was Spirit’s sister.
“He made her sit and watch them… fucking, the sadistic bastard. Then he just
hit her, over and over until he beat her unconscious.”
I slumped against the window and blew out a heavy breath, “Fucking hell!”
She nodded as she chewed her lip rapidly then shook her head as her eyes
blazed angrily, “And you know what? He told her she deserved it all and she
fucking believed him, she believes every single word that bastard tells her.”
“What happened?”
She shrugged then scoffed, “Danny left her for Summer and Kenny
dragged her down to London, promising to look after her, promising her the
world and then they started the band when I came down to be with them.”
I gave her a puzzled look, unsure why after all this would Janey join the
whole bullshit life that Spirit and Kenny would offer. “Why? Why the hell
would you do that?”
She snorted and looked at me with incredulity. “Do you actually know
what love is, Bulk? What it is to love someone so much, you’ll give up your
world for them. To want them so bad that you will suffer daily to watch them
destroy themselves and tear themselves apart but know they will never come
to you for comfort or… or to take the love you are so willing to offer? To just
love… just Spirit, the pure, amazing girl that she is.”
Her wide hurt eyes fixed on mine and I choked in a breath. “You… you’re
in love with Spirit.”
She didn’t move, she just stared at me, her eyes so full of tears that they
spilled over the edge and trailed down her face, smearing her mascara and
painting track lines over her pretty cheeks until the black drops careered off
her chin and dropped messily onto her white t-shirt creating a disturbing
pattern against clean stark whiteness. “Oh shit, babe.”

My heart ached for her and she stood, waiting for my wrath but she didn’t
get it as I opened my arms and she fell against me, taking the comfort I
offered as she sobbed and clung to me.
Her sorrow burnt a hole in me. I was all too aware of wanting someone so
much and not being able to have them. But for Janey, the pain doubled as she
watched Spirit go through life, watched her destroy herself in the process of
that life. Watching her go with others and not even realise that Janey was in
love with her. But the devastation of knowing that Spirit would never love
her in the same way must have torn her apart.
Shona had loved me as passionately as I had loved her and if, if she hadn’t
loved me back like that or maybe fallen in love with my friend and never
seen me, never known what I had felt for her, well that would have also
destroyed me.
“She must never know, Bulk, never.”
I nodded softly against her head as she adhered to me and abandoned her
self-discipline, her hands clutching at my shirt in her distress as he buried her
face in my chest and let it free.

“Wow!” A voice scoffed from behind me and I turned to see Spirit

watching us. “You didn’t waste time, did you?”
Her eyes were on Janey but I could feel the hatred penetrating me with her
disgust. Her body was stiff and taut, but her eyes were vacant and my breath
stuttered at the thought of her being high.
Janey moved back from me and I stalked across the room to Spirit,
grabbing her by the arms and shaking her. “What have you taken? What shit
have you taken Spirit? Fuck!”
She choked out a gasp and pushed against my chest. “I haven’t taken
anything, you arsehole. Get the fuck off me!”
I narrowed my eyes and tilted her head back, scrutinising her eyes as I
searched for evidence of her abuse. I realised the blankness in her eyes was
due to her grief and I reeled back and stared at her, “Did you ever grieve?”
She looked at me in confusion then blinked as her throat convulsed and she
took a step back. “Get out, both of you!”
“Spirit, we weren’t…”

“GET FUCKING OUT!!” Her chest heaved as spittle sprayed from her
mouth with her rage.
“Janey, go.” I said quietly without moving from in front of Spirit, worried
what she would do to Janey if she got hold of her.
“Yes, Janey, go!” Spirit sneered cruelly and I hissed at her.
“Stop it. Stop this right now. Janey’s done nothing wrong and neither have
I, just don’t do this, honey.” I shook my head slightly, warning her I was
close to losing it but she pushed harder.
Her lip curled wickedly as her eyes shot back to mine. “And what you
gonna do? Spank me, baby?”
“Janey! GO!” I barked as my temper rose through my chest making my
heart pound with each frantic attempt to cope with the flow of the burning
blood coursing through my veins.
 “Spirit...” Janey tried as she approached her stupidly.
“GO!” I yelled as I locked Spirit down, securing her with my eyes and
controlling her need to hurt Janey, as she smirked ruthlessly back at me.

This wasn’t Spirit; this was someone entirely inhumane and wild. It was
like she had left as Spirit and returned as someone completely different,
someone untamed and crazy. Her wide eyes were dead deep down but the
features on her face were far from that as her tense jaw and strained brow
screamed agitation and her clenched fists and feverish body showed her wild
and frenzied mentality.

Janey flicked her eyes to me and I nodded slowly. She moved past me as
Spirit flew for her. I managed to grab her tightly, spinning her round as I
locked my arms under her breasts and shouted at Janey to get the hell out.
Spirit kicked, snarled and hissed hysterically as I held her tight and took
her beating, letting her release the energy and rage until she eventually
sagged against me.
“You finished?”
“You fucking bastard. I hate you, I fucking hate you!” she spat.
“Okay, honey. I think we need to do something about that fucking temper.”
She growled at me, again, and I pulled in a hefty breath as I carried her
through to the kitchen. “Will you just let me fuckin’ go!”
I ignored her venom as I kicked out a chair from under the table and
plonked her ass down on it. She tried to stand but I’d straddled her thighs
before she could get any further.
She cursed, spat and writhed angrily beneath me. “Keep going little sinner,
it just makes me fucking hotter.”
Her arm yanked and I smirked when I knew it had been meant for my face
but she couldn’t pull free and I leant closer. “Just carry on and I’ll thrash the
fucking anger out of you.”
She barked out a bitter laugh as her eyes glinted marginally. There it was,
the life trying to kick-start back to animation and damn if my cock didn’t
thump at the excitement she showed over my words. “You want me to thrash
you, Spirit? You want my hand on that tight fucking rump of yours? You
want me to hurt you? You wanna feel the crack of my palm?”

I waited as she gulped, waited for what I knew she wanted as I sat still on
her, holding her down as I undid the buckle on my belt and pulled it through
the loops.
Her eyes flicked down to it and fuck, if her chest didn’t heave with her
excitement. “Ohhh baby, you want this?” I asked as I teased her and wound it
round one hand then the other before I snapped it hard.
She gasped and I fought to get my cock under control as it tried to push
through my jeans.
Holy Shit! I was harder than ever and when Spirit sank her teeth into her
bottom lip and released a slight whimper my heart rocketed and hit my dick
with so much blood, it actually made me jolt with the pressure.

We were both panting now, each of us gritting our teeth and sucking air
heavily with the furious arousal that was begging to be sated and the hunger
that commanded to be sustained.
I ground against her, letting her feel how hard I was for her and a choked
sob rippled through her. “You want this?”
Her eyes held mine and I could see her answer but she remained silent,
refusing to give in to me, so I slid off her, twigging that she wouldn’t do a
runner whilst she was this hot for me. “You’ll have to ask,” I taunted as she
rolled her lips and swallowed hard. “And then I’ll give you everything you
need.”
Her eyes shot to mine, then down to the belt I was twisting slowly around
my hands. “You like the belt, honey? You like the thrash of it on your
backside, on your thighs? Does it make you come hard as it whips against
your delicate skin, peaking your heart rate and pounding the thrill through
your veins?”
She panted hard as her tongue swept over her bottom lip and her chest
heaved as her breathing sped up further, the rise of her tits demanding my
gaze.
I took a step nearer and wrapped my palm gently around her throat. The
fire in her eyes shot through my brain and straight into my balls, tightening
them extensively as my cock screamed at the force.
I titled her head back until her eyes reached mine and squeezed a little
tighter, knowing she was ready to snap. “ASK!”
She didn’t ask. She shot upright, yanked her jeans around her knees and
turned to bend over the chair.
My hands shook at the sight and I had to pull air through my clenched teeth
to calm me down. Her phoenix covered pussy was literally dripping with her
juices as her pale arse requested that I tinge it pink.
She looked over her shoulder at me, her eyes now hot and fierce, the life
back and pulsing vividly in her bright green irises.
I tilted my head and studied her, silently questioning if she wanted this.
“Do it!” she eventually hissed and I immediately slapped her right butt cheek
hard, just to release some of the pent up energy I was stowing. “HARDER!”
she yelled and I let rip, crashing my palm over her arse brutally as her
pleasure filled cries echoed round the room and she bucked her hips up to
meet each one of my blows.
“More?” I grated through my teeth as I watched her arousal trickle down
her leg, teasing and taunting me to swipe my tongue over her skin and lap it
up.
“Yes more, I need it Bulk, please… the…”
“The belt?” I asked as she clammed up.
“Yes, yes, fuck yes, I need it, please.” She was writhing on the chair, her
bottom high and imploring for more as I doubled the strip of leather over and
secured it around my wrist.
“Are you sure?” I couldn’t control the pump in my veins as my head reeled
and my gut pulsated with the crude excitement swelling my dick and
scorching my veins.
“God! Yes, now, do it! Fucking do it!”

Her scream ripped through my senses when I struck the already red skin on
her backside, the harsh sound of the contact making my teeth rattle. “Oh
god… YES!”
I shuddered as I tried to stop myself from coming in my jeans. I couldn’t
control this anymore and I willed myself to give her what she wanted before I
exploded.

“One more then you’re mine. And I am gonna fuck you so damn hard and
so fucking deep you’ll feel me everywhere!” I lashed her once more as I
pulled my cock free and before she had finished her scream and come down
from the fierce orgasm seizing her body violently, I was inside her and
already wrapping my hand around her hair, pulling her harshly back onto my
cock.
“Fuck!” I hissed as I pulled back and her pussy snatched at me, pulling me
deeper as another climax rolled through her.
I managed to draw back and calm myself a little as I grabbed at her hair
and lifted her upright against my chest. Her arms rose and she latched them
behind my neck, pushing her firm tits high and proud and I clasped one,
squeezing it hard and growling when she moaned long and deep.
She ground back against me, sinking herself on my erection further as she
tried to take me all in, “No, Spirit, the baby.”
“The baby will be fine” she breathed slowly and released a satisfied groan
when I sunk balls deep inside her. She twisted her hips firmly, grinding and
moulding against me, her hot pussy walls demanding my orgasm and
slamming ecstasy through my veins as she shuddered around me.
“Jesus fucking Christ” I rasped as I clenched tightly and bit her sweet neck
when my cum banged through my balls and exploded inside her fiercely, my
whole body going into spasm as I rocked into her softly and yelled my
release into her soft skin.
“Chase… Oooh God, Chase. I’m yours, all of me” she choked out as she
finally finished jerking and leant back against me as I sank bank onto the
chair. She pulled her legs up, curled around me and nuzzled her face in the
dip of my throat.

We remained silent, my arms holding her tight as she breathed against my

neck and sighed heavily when I rubbed my cheek against the top of her head.
What the hell was I going to do? I couldn’t allow this relationship. It was
volatile, way too deep and we were slowly killing each other with our
individual personal hell; each of our battles with life, leaving us exhausted
and incapable of giving more than we had to give.

“You’re going to leave me, aren’t you.” She whispered it as a statement

into the silence, perception forcing her words and I squeezed my eyes closed
as I answered her honestly.
“We’re going to leave each other, baby.”
I felt her stiffen with my words but she didn’t speak and I ached all the
more at her acceptance. “We’ll kill each other, Spirit.” I told her quietly as I
held her tightly, engraining the feel of her soft body into my memory as I
fought back the tears. “I’m too hard now, too numb and too angry with life to
be what you need and you need to learn to grieve and forgive yourself before
you can even think of giving any more of yourself to someone else. You are
an utterly beautiful strong woman Spirit, but you need to see that in yourself
and believe it so you can accept it from others. Teach yourself to live again.”
She nodded faintly against me and slipped her arms around me; holding
onto me fiercely as my heart crumbled inside my chest and I placed a gentle
kiss on her forehead as I brushed a strand away then tilted her head slightly
so she was looking at me. “You know I’ll support you, with the baby, and I
want to be hands on Spirit, I want to be its dad, you get me?”
She gazed at me for a while and I saw her blink back a tear. Her strength
and resilience pulled at my gut, sealing me with both anger and sorrow. “I am
so sorry, baby. Please be happy, Spirit, fight for that at least.” I whispered as
I lifted her and placed her back on the chair.
She watched me dress, both of us silent and filled with darkness. The
sadness in the room was suffocating and we both breathed deep trying to get
through this… this fucking finality and cruel bloody world that dragged our
souls through the pits of hell and refused us both any happiness.

I bent to kiss her forehead again, my lips lingering too long as I desperately
wrestled with myself to pull away and do what was needed. “I’ll always
really, really like you Spirit, always.” I choked as I pulled back.
She looked down at the floor, refusing me her eyes as she nodded briskly.
“I know,” she mouthed with a sad smile as she finally looked at me and held
her hand to her heart, tapping it twice as her tears slid freely and threatened to
drown us both.
I nodded and duplicated her motion with my own sad smile. “Goodbye,
Spirit,” I whispered before I turned and left, choking on my own hatred when
her strangled sob echoed through my head as I closed the door.
 CHAPTER 24
SPIRIT

The emptiness inside me was consuming as I stared at my naked figure in

the mirror.
Why did this world hate me and forever strive to hurt me, constantly
condemning me and infecting me with its hatred; seizing and binding the
hope and delivering only loss and misery?
I stroked my hand over my sore backside and smiled slightly as I
remembered the most amazing sex of my life. Bulk’s tender touch after, the
way he had pulled me against him as his heartbeat thrummed in my ear,
comforting and soothing my dejected mind.
I moved my hand from my bottom and held it against my chest, feeling the
thump of my heart just to check it was still beating; it had felt numb and
frozen since Bulk closed the door last night.
I tapped it twice before I slipped the dress over my head and sighed as
Danny filtered into my head. Was I doing the right thing? Meeting him and
giving him a chance to voice what he wanted to tell me?
Time would tell. My eyes flicked to the clock with the knock on the door.
He was early and I drew in a steadying breath as I went to answer the door.

I wasn’t sure how my body reacted when I saw him stood, smiling softly as
his eyes raked over my body, then up to my curled black hair and then settled
on my face. “You look gorgeous, River.”
“Spirit.” I corrected but he shook his head as he stepped towards me and
slipped a finger down my cheekbone before leaning in and placing a tender
kiss to the side of my mouth.
“You’ll always be my River, baby. The fourteen year old beauty that took
my breath away and stole my heart the moment she stepped into my kitchen
that day.”
I swallowed as my heart thumped against my ribcage and rushed blood to
my brain.
He’s playing, Spirit, working you.
 I smiled and turned back to the room. He followed me and I could feel his
gaze rake over my belongings. I slipped on my shoes and turned to find him
with the picture of Janey and me enjoying a lazy day at the beach. “How is
Janey?” he asked with a sad twinge in his voice.
“She’s good; she’s just got a job at the new development sector down by
the docks. I’m so proud of her.”
He nodded and smiled. “And you?” he asked as he replaced the photo back
on the mantle and turned to me. “What are you up to now?”
I walked over to the table and picked up my bag, distracting myself from
the nervousness inside me as I peered inside it and made sure I had
everything I needed. “I’ve been staying with Kenny.”
“Yes, I know that but that wasn’t what I asked, River. I asked what you are
doing now.”
My brain shivered with the familiar dominancy in his tone but he seemed
to realise and covered it with a wide smile. “I heard you were in a band,
touring with Room 103” he continued with a lighter attitude.
I nodded but didn’t answer his question further as I picked up my keys,
“Are you ready?”
I watched the tiny glint in his eyes fire behind his irises at my refusal to
divulge more but he inhaled and shook his body faintly as if shifting his dark
mood. “I am, are you?” he smirked with a twinkle lighting his eyes.
I smiled at his mischievous smile, the memory of it warming my belly and
giving me a sense of comfort. “I am,” I smiled when he held out his elbow
and I hooked my arm through it. “Where are we going?”
“Surprise, baby, but you’ll love it.” There was something in his tone that
triggered a frown from me but I shook it off and put it down to nerves.

His hand settled at the base of my spine as he steered me down the stairs.
“How long have you lived here?” He asked as the main foyer door banged
closed behind us.
“A few years.”
I watched his teeth sink into his lip. Danny had always been particular
about my answers to his questions. He had always wanted full and in-depth
answers and I wasn’t sure if I was being guarded just to piss him off or if
there was actually no more to give him with each response. “How long is a
few years, River?”
“Spirit,” I replied tensely then sighed. “April fourteenth, twenty ten, twelve
thirty six precisely” I bit out, getting annoyed with his obvious need for
control over me, even after four years.
He clicked his tongue with irritation as he opened his car door for me and I
was silently impressed with the model; a sleek Porsche and I inwardly
wondered what he was doing now to be able to afford this kind of luxury.
“Nice,” I smiled as I settled my bum into the soft leather and peered around
the interior.

He slid in beside me, his eyes dropping to the bit of thigh that was now
displayed as my dress hunched up with my seated position. I gulped and
pulled the material as far to my knees as it would go. His eyes twinkled and a
teasing smile lifted one side of his mouth. “Baby, don’t be shy, we both know
you’re not.”
I cringed slightly with his obvious referral to the video and I turned
towards the window as heat fired through my cheeks. He laughed loudly as
he started the engine and I jolted when his hand settled on my thigh, “River,
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you, forgive me, baby.”
He seemed genuine enough so I gave him a timid smile and settled back
into the seat to enjoy the ride.

We made light conversation as Danny drove us to wherever we were going

and I frowned as he pulled down a dirt track and the car bounced over pot
holes and stones as he continued to keep the car above forty Mph. “Danny,
slow down, you’re gonna wreck your car.”
He tipped his head and turned to me and my chest jolted with the glaze
over his eyes. “You okay?” I asked cautiously.
He shook his head then smiled widely, “Sure, just eager to get you there.”
“Get me where?” I was growing slightly nervous now as darkness
surrounded us and I couldn’t see a damn thing outside of the car other than
what the headlights bounced off.
“Here.” He said quietly and I squinted through the window, still unable to
establish a thing in the murky blackness. I turned to him and frowned in
confusion but he just winked and climbed from the car.

Opening my door he held out his hand and tipped his head in a
gentlemanly fashion. My heart was pounding as my gut agitated with nerves
but I took a breath and placed my hand in his.
 He smiled widely as I stepped outside and curled his fingers around mine,
holding onto me tightly as he led me across some gravel, my heels wobbling
and slipping against stones as my knees knocked with unease and goose
bumps erupted with the cool night air.
“Danny…”
“Shush, nearly there. Trust me, River.”

I swallowed and blew out a slow breath as we continued to walk in the

darkness. The silence was eerie and a slight mist was covering my feet,
making the area seem even more disturbing. All I could think of was having
my head munched on by some crazy half-eaten zombie… or hacked to death
with a ginormous axe by Danny. “Danny, please.”
He chuckled and squeezed my hand and I jumped when a loud squeal
echoed in the air. “Just the door, baby, calm down I’m not gonna hurt you.”
Images of the shower head curdled my stomach and I shivered. Danny
seemed to read my mind as he stroked a thumb over my knuckles and spoke
softly. “I promise, River. That wasn’t me… before. I was… grieving and…
well…”
His voice was low and soft and the sound of his pain chewed at the layers
of my heart causing a slight tremor through my soul with his hurt.
“Yeah,” I whispered then gasped when the place lit up like a football pitch.
“Oh… wow…” I managed a stutter when my eyes flicked over the scene
before me.
We were in an old warehouse but the place had been converted into a
stunning beach. Sand covered every single inch of the floor, thick dunes and
wispy swells made it seem even more real. A picnic rug sat in the middle
surrounded by small pebbles and tall fake reeds. A basket was situated next
to the blanket and a little straw shack, resembling a bar area broke the back
wall.
But what caught my eye was the ‘sea’. It was obviously a huge inflatable
pool, but sand had been moulded over the sides of the pool and rocks were
placed in strategic positions to cover the offending item. But then a little jetty
had been built up and over the edge of the pool and was adorned with
numerous wild flowers climbing up and around the wood, giving it an aged
appearance.
Danny flicked some switches until the huge lights dipped and little soft tea
lights twinkled beautifully around the room providing a moonlight setting as
a bulb over the pool produced a reflected water ripple on the walls and I
swallowed as my heart thumped wildly.
“It’s stunning” I breathed, not sure what else to say.

“It is.” He whispered in my ear and nervous prickles exploded over my

body but I ignored both them and him as I took a step further into the room.
“I thought it would help bring back memories of the day I proposed in
Bournemouth.”
I smiled softly. The images of the midnight picnic Danny had set up for me
on the beach so he could propose to me made my heart skip a beat with the
sentimental gesture.

“When did you do this?” I asked with a lump forming in my throat when I
realised Danny would want more than a ‘talk’ if he had gone to this much
trouble.
“This afternoon,” he answered as he seated himself on the blanket and
patted the spot beside him. “Come on, I won’t bite you… unless you want me
to.”
I smiled at his innuendo, unable to hold it back with his boyish grin. “You
haven’t changed a bit,” I said as I perched myself opposite him as an
alternative to beside him.
He frowned slightly but then reached into the basket and pulled out various
foods and a bottle of red wine, my favourite brand and the effort he had made
wasn’t lost as I warmed a little that he had remembered. “Tuck in, baby,” he
gestured with a tilt of his chin.
I picked up a piece of chicken and proceeded to pull small strips from it
and nibbled them slowly as I watched him pour the wine. “Why?”
He looked up and frowned at me with the simple question but then his eyes
softened and he lowered them back on the bottle. “Because I want you back”
he answered as frankly as I had asked the question.
I heaved in a heavy breath and cringed slightly, “Danny…”
His head whipped up and he shook his head, holding a hand up to silence
me. “Just give me a chance River, please. That’s all I’m asking. I know I…
really hurt you, baby, really bad but…” His eyes darkened and he stared
through me as his gaze secured mine, “But surely you can understand why I
did what I did, River? You… you killed our baby.”
 My throat flinched as my blood hurtled through my veins and whipped a
jolt through my heart, the effect making a tiny whimper vent through my
tight lips.
“Hey,” he said quickly as he shuffled over the blanket and knelt beside me,
taking one of my hands in his as he peered at me. “I know you hurt as much
as me, I know you do but…” he sighed heavily and I watched his throat bob
as his eyes flicked over my face. “Well I just think you owe me this much.”
I stared at him, confusion and guilt twisting my stomach. “Are you… are
you saying we should… because I…” I couldn’t finish the sentence but he
got what I was saying when he smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind my
ear making me jerk away slightly. He hissed through his teeth but didn’t
exhibit any other irritation.
“River,” he shrugged with a deep sigh and fixed me with a hard stare.
“Well yes, I think you owe me another chance. I mean, you don’t seem to
realise how much you hurt me, when you… when you killed Amy.”
His words slapped me hard in the face as they simultaneously kicked my
gut behind my ribs and when his hand rested on my knee I shuffled back
slightly, his touch like a hot poker searing and scorching my skin. The last
time his hands were on me were when he had tried to kill me and the
memories refused to ever leave me, assaulting me regularly and at this
present time, intensely.

“And… and Summer?” I asked as bile surged up my throat when I voiced

her name. The image of them fucking hard on my bed whist I stood in the
corner like a naughty child forbidden from looking away, triggered echoes of
sex fuelled moans and sounds of slapping flesh to punch my senses hard.
He cupped my face and sighed heavily, “Oh River, are you still jealous of
your sister? Baby, you know that was just sex between me and her, it was
never what we had, never real and raw.” His finger trailed down the edge of
my cheek then proceeded to slope down the centre of my throat and across
my shoulder, dipping under the strap of my dress as his eyes watched the trek
with deep concentration.
I gulped and tried to move back but his hand shot out and his fingers
wrapped around the top of my arm, the pressure causing me to whimper
slightly as he pulled me back to him.
“River,” he exhaled loudly and my eyes dropped to his mouth when his
lips tautened and a tic twitched rapidly in his jaw. “Don’t be awkward about
this; it’s really not a good idea.”
I stiffened with his blatant warning and cursed myself for even coming
here with him. Why the hell hadn’t I listened to Janey and refused even a
discussion with him?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I re-opened them and
nodded, “Okay.”
He grinned widely and pulled me against his chest, “Oh baby, I’m so
happy. We are meant to be together, we’re like kindred spirits.”
I nodded against him, numb and dazed as his arms circled me and his
thumb stroked the edge of my dress across my back. “Your skin was always
so soft, simply adorable.”
My stomach vaulted when his fingers slid the zip on the back of my dress
slowly and he slipped the strap off my shoulder with his other hand, baring
my naked breasts to him. He pressed his mouth against my shoulder blade
and placed a soft kiss on my clammy skin.
“Make me feel good, River.” He took my hand and placed it over his
erection while his lips travelled my neck up to my mouth where he covered
my lips with his and worked me into a kiss.
My heart was bleeding as Bulk’s face penetrated my head; his soft smile,
his mischievous wink and his passionate and honest kisses, but he had called
an end on us.
He had given me nothing to fight for, nothing to latch onto and provide a
reason to battle what was happening.
I had nothing, I was nothing. I didn’t deserve happiness anyway but there
was still sparks inside me that screamed for the fight, demanded that I take
what I wanted and attack the ‘No’ I had received.
My spirit wrestled inside me as Danny continued to kiss me, the high
pitched squeal it assaulted me with was deafening as my soul hunted for who
it wanted, telling me with a pain in my gut that this man, this ugly vile
creature, wasn’t him.

“No!” I fired out as I shot backwards and pulled my dress back over my
breasts, sickness coursing through me at his touch. “Please Danny, give me
some time.”
His eyes narrowed on me and he tipped his head sinisterly. “I don’t think
you understand what I’m saying, River. You – don’t – have – a – choice, and
I call time now!””
I stood up quickly and turned towards the door, “Take me home, please.”
I stilled when a laugh filled the cavernous tin room and I closed my eyes in
distress as I reached stealthily into my bag, pulling my phone into my fingers
and feeling my way over the keys, desperately trying to hit the hash key and
number one to speed dial Janey.
“I suggest you get that pretty little arse back here, River. And you can put
your phone away, there’s a few reasons I brought you here; one of them is
that there is no signal.”
I swallowed heavily and cursed when I realised I was trapped. “Danny, I…
I’m not saying no to us but just that you give me some time to think about it.”

I jumped sharply when he grabbed my hair and whipped my head back

severely. “You are beginning to fuck me off, River. Listen to me, and listen
well. You are mine, you’ve always been mine. I own you, every fucking inch
of you and I am going to take back what is mine, with or without your
fucking say-so.”
He pulled me back and grasped my breast harshly causing me to grimace in
pain, “I know what’s been happening between you and the pierced prick but
now I’m telling you that it’s over.”
My eyes widened when a small clear bag full of snow dangled in front of
me. “You see, River. I know how to look after you, give you what you need.
Feed your hunger.”

He dragged me back to the blanket and began to chop and form a line on
top of a large flat stone.
My mouth watered as my brain fired shots of excitement through my
blood, triggering a deep longing to fill my body. Its power was astounding as
my eyes refused to move from the thin white line of ecstasy and my blood
danced in excitement as my heart rate shot to an alarming pace, its frantic
beat pounding my ribcage mercilessly and thudding a deep intense rhythm in
my brain.
I placed a shaking hand over my nose, telling myself if I blocked its route
inside it would make the rejection easier. Blinking hard, I tried to force my
gaze away to anywhere but on the seamless white stripe of promise and a
choked sob clambered up my throat when Danny held out a rolled twenty,
inviting me to hit the edge hard.
 “I… I…” I rubbed my moist face with my hands as my body started to
tremble with the need stifling me. “I can’t,” I eventually managed and held
my breath when I waited for his wrath.
I started to cry when I heard Danny’s draw in the quietness of the building;
the deep inhalation driving a painful hankering through me, piercing my
nerve endings and making my whole body vibrate violently.
“Oh wow, that’s sooo pure, baby. Come on.”

I was starting to pant now as sweat trickled down my face and dripped
heavily off my chin and onto my breastbone, where it continued its trail down
between my breasts. I licked my lips involuntary, almost experiencing the
tingle on my gums and the shot of nirvana provided by such a bland simple
product.
“Danny, I…” I couldn’t find the words as my body commanded my control
and fought hard to battle with me.
“You what, baby? River, I feel so good. Heaven, just pure heaven. You
remember how good the fuck is when we’re soaring? How much deeper and
intense everything feels?”
“Oh God…” I croaked as I dropped to my knees beside him, my eyes fixed
hard on utopia as I took the make-shift tube from him.
“River…” Danny’s lips were already sucking on my neck, his teeth grazing
my hot skin as his high fuelled his lust. “Come on baby, I’m waiting in
ecstasy for you, join me.”

My sobbing was becoming uncontrollable as I leaned towards the stone

and inserted the roll into my nostril, sealing the other half of my nose with a
finger. Danny’s hand was already between my legs, his palm rubbing my clit
frantically and I moaned as I started to grind against him, my treacherous
body unable to win back restraint as my desire forged my actions.
“Do it!” he hissed and a memory of four years ago assaulted my brain with
a fierce clash.

“Do it, Summer, suck my cock, make me come on your face.” Danny held
Summer’s head between his hands and drove repeatedly into her mouth as I
stood naked and tortured in the corner, unable to look away yet so desperate
to look away.
“Bend over the bed; let me fuck that hot pussy.”
 Summer stood and gazed over at me, quiet and whimpering as I used the
wall to hold me up. She bent, palming the mattress as she smiled sinfully at
Danny, “Fuck my arse, Danny. Do it, do it!”
They both growled violently as Danny slammed into her backside, forcing
her flat on the bed as he pressed against her in his frenzied fucking.
Their frantic loud moans were drowning out my sobs as I watched my
sister fuck my fiancé, his pounding increasing along with their erotic groans
and my knees finally gave way as I sank down the wall and fell in a crumpled
heap as my heart finally broke and shattered inside me and my mind finally
went crazy.
“Come inside me, Danny. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it…..”

A tortured sob broke my train of thought and I stumbled backwards when

I noticed blood everywhere. It was all over; down my dress, masking my face
as my vision blurred with a red tinge. I could taste the acid of it on my lips
and I retched at the pungent metallic taste.
A strangled whimper gurgled from me when I stared at the blood stained
rock in my hands and I dropped it with a heavy thud when I shook so much I
couldn’t hold onto it.
The long loud scream that left my lips when my gaze landed on Danny was
inhumane and ear-splitting, its shrill bouncing off the walls and hitting me
again and again with each piercing echo.
His head was missing a chunk of skull and I could actually see his brain as
his eyes stared lifelessly at me. Half of his face was caved in, the place where
his eye should be was a hollow gouge and his nose had disappeared leaving a
huge gaping mess of pulp. The stone had fell beside his vacant face, blood
blanketing it as gooey stuff dripped from a sharp edge, sliding with elasticity
onto the ground and tainting the beige sand red.

I couldn’t breathe; my lungs were panicking as I tried to inhale short sharp

bursts of air but my head started to swim at the lack of oxygen and I palmed
the floor for support. I screamed again when I fell against some loose pieces
of Danny’s skull, the flats of my hands crunching against the shattered
fragments of bone and my fingers sinking into chunks of bloody flesh.
I frantically clambered backwards, the fear fuelling my movements until
my vision started to tunnel and a mist obscured my vision as my heart rate
peaked and I finally collapsed as vomit spluttered violently from me and a
strangled gasp of air distended my lungs.
Then I passed out.
 CHAPTER 25
BULK

“Alright!” I shouted again as I rolled out of bed, landing with a hefty bump
on the floor. “Fuck!” I hissed, holding my head in my hands as the sunlight
that filtered through the blinds hurt my retinas making we wish I hadn’t
devoured so much Jack last night. Call me stupid but the bloody stuff had
made me feel nearer to Spirit. How sad was that?
The pounding restarted both in my head and on the door as I pulled on
some shorts and went to answer whoever was trying to knock the damn thing
down, my mood ready for a fight.

Janey pushed her way in as soon as I had unlatched the lock. My heart
vaulted up my throat when I saw her pale and tear stricken face, “Janey?”
“I can’t find her, Bulk, I can’t find her!”
She was frantic, her arms were flapping about and her eyes darted around
the room as though she would find the answer in my hallway, “Bulk!”
“Janey, calm down and tell me what’s happened.” My whole body was
clenched with apprehension. It had to be something to do with Spirit, or
Janey wouldn’t have come to me. “What do you mean you can’t find her?”
“She went out with Danny last night and I’ve heard nothing from her since.
I know she’s angry with me at the moment but I went round to her flat this
morn, I have a key, and she wasn’t there.”
I swallowed heavily as I traced my teeth with my tongue; a slight boil in
the pit of my stomach simmered a slight anger within me. “Then I presume
she stayed the night at Danny’s.”
She shook her head, “She wouldn’t Bulk, I know she wouldn’t not
unless…”
“Unless what?” I asked as I narrowed my eyes on her.
She bit her bottom lip and closed her eyes. “What if… he made her?” The
dread in her voice was crushing and I frowned as something stirred inside
me.

If he had hurt her I would kill him and I had to breathe deeply to keep the
rage under control. Suddenly images of Spirit crying as Danny forced himself
on her overwhelmed me and I went in search of my phone.
It didn’t even ring, just connected straight to voicemail and I tried a second
time, getting the same result causing my gut to clench.
“Do you know where he’s staying?”
She shook her head as she followed me into the bedroom and stared at me
as she watched me pull on some clothes. I knew she wasn’t perving on me
because she batted for the other side so I let her. “Kenny?” I asked.
Her face lit up slightly and she nodded frantically. “Right, let me get the
guy’s together and we’ll pay him a little visit.”

***

“I have no fucking idea, you piece of shit, I’ve already told you.”
Jax delivered another blow to Kenny’s face, causing his head to snap
sideways as he grunted with the pain, “Talk, nut-job!”
E came to stand beside me triggering a scowl from Jax after he had told her
to stay outside but she scowled back at him and I couldn’t help but smile at
their interaction, “You want me ring Sal?”

Involving the local mafia was a thought I didn’t relish but I knew deep
down something had happened to Spirit and I knew I needed all the help I
could get. I nodded slowly as I cringed, “Yeah” I answered with a grateful
smile.
She nodded and patted my shoulder before she pulled her phone and left
the room.
“Fuck! Okay, okay” Kenny finally relinquished when Romeo ground the
heel of his boot into his lap, “1265 Blaire’s court.”

***

We searched the empty flat several times; trying to find anything that
would give an indication of where they were but nothing! Fucking nothing!
“Jesus Christ!” I snapped as I stood rubbing my hands over my head and
trying to desperately think what to do next.

The door opened and E entered with Sal, her father and four hefty looking
guys. My eyes widened on her but she smiled encouragingly and made
introductions. They wasted no time and within seconds they were pulling
drawers and slashing sofa’s, their expertise in matters like this comforting
and reassuring.

Half an hour later, Sal walked up to me with a few items in his hands. “A
receipt from a toy store for a pool and sand, a DIY store receipt for wood and
fixings, a telephone order for a picnic basket all dated yesterday and…” he
shook his head with disgust as he held up a bag of coke and tutted.
I frowned at him, wondering if he had gone slightly nuts, “Why the hell
does that help?”
His face darkened and I’ll admit I cowered slightly, so I gave him a timid
smile and dipped my head in apology; he was trying to help after all. “It helps
because these were dated yesterday morning and they were with this.”
He held up what looked like property title deeds and I squinted at it. “It
looks like a cheap sale on some property.”
He nodded and pointed to the date beside the two signatures, “It looks like
an old out-building of some sort what Danny purchased cash yesterday.”
My eyes flicked up to his, “Do you think…”
“I think he’s… I dunno, created some sort of romantic picnic scene and
they have stopped there over night.”
My gut clenched with his brutal honesty and I swallowed back the lump in
my throat. “No!” Janey shouted, “She wouldn’t, I’m telling you…”
My phone rang and I pulled it out despondently, my heart heavy in the
realisation that Spirit had wasted no time in moving on, wiping me away and
taking whatever was on offer.
My brow rose when Spirit’s name flashed on my phone screen and I
looked cautiously at Janey, “It’s her.”

She exhaled heavily and closed her eyes in relief, “Oh, thank God.”
I nodded although I did wonder why she would be phoning me if she was
with him. Was she doing it to gloat?
I nearly didn’t answer, but I’m so fucking glad I did.
 CHAPTER 26
SPIRIT

I couldn’t speak as I pushed further back into the corrugated sheeting that
formulated the far wall.
“Sp.r..t?” Bulk’s voice echoed brokenly with the bad signal in my ear and I
whimpered when I dropped the phone, my hands shaking so much it slipped
from my grasp and luckily hit the sand with a soft thump, “Spirit!”
His voice was more urgent when I didn’t answer and I picked it back up,
squeezing my fingers tightly around it as I fought to place it back at my ear,
“B…Bulk.”
“Baby? Spi…t ar.. you ok..y?” The tremor in his voice brought on fresh
tears as my eyes once again fixed on Danny.
“No… No, no, no, no, no…” It was all that would come out and I kept
repeating it over and over as I desperately tried to remove my gaze from the
horror before me. “No, no, no, no…”
“Spirit! Stop it r…ht no..!” His harsh tone jolted my brain and a distraught
sob echoed around me.
Everything seemed surreal and I shivered violently as I imagined Danny
getting up off the floor and coming for me. “Bulk, please… help me…
please…”
I was sobbing now and trying to push my body through the wall in a frantic
effort to be as far away as possible from the terror I had created.
Bulk pulled in a choked breath but his voice was calm even if a little
unsteady, “Listen to me, honey, listen…” He spoke softly, the line suddenly
clearing as I backed further into the metal wall, creating a boost to the signal
and I muttered a sort of reply through my tears as I tried to concentrate on
him. “I need you to try and answer my questions, okay?”
“Mmmm” I murmured exhaustedly as I watched Danny closely while Bulk
asked where I was.
His hand twitched and I screamed as I propelled myself backwards,
banging my head harshly on a beam of wood holding up the roof, causing me
to drop and lose the phone in the sand, “Noooo. Noooo….”
I scrambled desperately to my feet and forced myself to move to the door,
my effort seeing me stumble numerous times as I struggled to get a grip in
the sand, its fine grains under my bare feet making me slip and slide.

River….
His voice echoed eerily around me, the unnatural tone whipping my body
hairs rigidly and I shook my head urgently as a throb began to settle at the
back of my skull. I refused to believe it as I covered my ears and laboured to
keep going as I kept my focus on the door.
I pushed against it when I reached it and a choked strangle broke from me
when it wouldn’t budge.
Rattling and pushing it in desperation my gaze dropped on the padlock
fitted across the bolt catch. “No…” I rasped as I turned and looked at
Danny’s trouser pocket, “Oh God, no.”
I was starting to hyperventilate as I looked at Danny then back to the lock,
repeating my head movements several times as though the key would slip
from Danny’s pocket and hover across the room with my gaze, slipping into
the lock and unlatching me the huge metal shutter.

My heart was pounding and I was getting anguished knowing this couldn’t
be good for the baby as I slowly and cautiously made my way across the
room towards his mangled corpse.
“He’s dead, Spirit. He can’t hurt you. He’s dead, he’s dead… gone. He
can’t hurt you, no, he can’t.” I mumbled as I slid little by little to my knees in
front of him, my eyes tightly closed as I shook violently. “He’s dead… he’s
dead…” I repeated, telling myself to be strong as I opened my eyes and
stared at Danny’s legs, refusing my eyes any higher.
My stomach contents were crawling swiftly up my throat as I timidly
reached out, my body jerking wildly when I felt the cotton of his trousers
eventually reach my fingertips.
“Come on Spirit, it’s just a key, just a key.”

I was crying hard, deep drawn breaths noisily gurgling in my throat as they
fought to bypass what was trying to hike back out. “I can’t…”
“You can!” I argued with myself as I pulled in a long gulp of air and held it
as Danny’s slight stench hit my nostrils and surged my gut further.
I swung round and puked everywhere as I fought to breathe with the
intensity of my throws, each racking heave pulling every one of my stomach
muscles with their severity and my eyes burning with the brutality in which I
hurled.

“WHY?!” I screamed at the ceiling, “Why me? All the fucking time. Do
you hate me that much, am I that bad? Are you that cruel? I can’t do this
anymore, I can’t! Why don’t you just come and take me…” I placed my
palms together and rolled my lips, “Please. I need to go now. I can’t fight this
life anymore; I don’t want to fight anymore.” I finished with a tight whimper,
“Please.”

I pulled in a heavy determined breath and screamed as loud as I could, my

lungs going into shock with the pressure of it as I snatched my hand into
Danny’s pocket and grabbed the key, scurrying backwards as soon as it
touched my fingers and dropping it in the sand.
“GOD FUCKING DAMN!!” I shouted in anger as I raked my hands
through the grains wildly, my eyes hunting frenziedly as my fingers scraped
and gathered it out of the way in my desperate attempt to find it.

I couldn’t do this and I dropped heavily onto the ground, curling within
myself as I started to rock wildly, “Please help me, somebody please…”
Nobody knew where I was and I wasn’t even sure how long I had actually
been here. I was going to die here, slowly and tortuously, my body bit by bit
giving up and leaving me to die next to Danny.

I finally peered up at him, a calmness settling over me as I reached up and

took his hand in mine, curling my fingers around his as I clung to him. “I am
so sorry, Danny. I… I did love you, so much.” I shuffled further towards him,
my imagination clinging onto an old image of him in my head and evading
how he really looked. “We were good, weren’t we? So good, it was
perfect…”
I lifted a hand and placed it on the side of his head, smiling widely through
my tears at him as I stroked his ear delicately. “We’ll be with Amy now; we
can be with our beautiful daughter, baby. Finally…”
I curled against his body, desperate for any sensation I could get from him,
wrapping my arms around his waist as I pulled him closer and buried my
head against his strong chest, my breathing finally slowing and my heart beat
dropping as my body prepared to close down and an ultimate peace settled
over me.
You won’t die alone, River. I’m here baby, I’m always here.

I felt something shift inside me, almost like something aligning and
slotting together deep down within me as tranquillity and serenity flowed
through my veins, warming me inside as I closed my eyes and relished the
freedom, the supreme liberation, as my soul hovered around me, its light
shimmering beautifully as I placed a kiss on Danny’s chest and joined him.
Finally.
Ultimately.
And so very ready.
 CHAPTER 27
BULK

I fell out of the car and stumbled clumsily towards the tin shack. It was
eerily silent and I wondered why Spirit wasn’t banging the walls down. She
should be going crazy, rattling the walls and screaming the place down… but
she wasn’t, it was just so quiet.
“SPIRIT!” I shouted as I pulled at the door, eagerness slicing my hands
through the sheet metal as I heaved at the damn thing. “Why won’t it open?”
I shouted as one of Sal’s men appeared beside me and tilted his chin at me to
move out of the way.
I stepped back, my legs twitching impatiently as he slotted a crowbar into
the gap.

Something happened, I’m not sure what it was and I couldn’t relay it you
even now, but I felt it, within me, like two plates moving and shifting until it
slotted together and I looked upwards as a ray of light broke through the
clouds.
My heart exploded as my soul battled with my spirit to free itself, the
power of it made me tremble violently as it desperately struggled to rip itself
from me.
“Noooo” I screamed as I felt it slip away, fighting urgently to get to its
mate and I knew, I knew she had gone, she had gone, she had gone…

I shoved the guy out of the way as I ripped the door sideways, my demand
to get to her feeding my strength and giving me force to shift it out of the
way.
“Noooo, Noooo, Spirit!” I yelled at her as I saw her clung to Danny, her
body still and lifeless.
Jesus Christ, what the hell had happened?

I skidded to a stop beside her, sand flying everywhere as my feet dug into
the piles of it around her.
The guy’s shouted different commands but I didn’t hear them as a high
pitched buzzing sliced through my head and rendered me deaf. I slammed her
body backwards, wincing as I caught sight of Danny, and pressed my ear to
her mouth. “Please, baby, please… come on, come on. Damn you!!”

“Move!” Romeo barked at me as Jax grabbed my arms and pulled me off

her. I bucked against him, shoving him backwards as Boss came in and
helped to hold me down and I watched in in a broken horror as Romeo
thumped her hard in the chest as one of Sal’s men pinched her nose and filled
her lungs with second hand oxygen.

My legs gave way and Jax lowered me to the floor, his arms still around
me as I died right there with her.
“Noooo, not again. Please not again.”
It was like déjà vu as Boss appeared before me on his knees. My heart and
soul were slammed back seven years as I broke all over again and I stared at
him, my head whipping back and forth as his eyes filled with tears.

“Ssshhh” he whispered as he grabbed my hand and I turned to him. My

hands clawed desperately at him, pulling his skin within my grasp to feel
something, anything but this high pitched hum in my head.
“Ethan?”
“Jesus, Chase. I…” he shook his head and I knew. I knew. I could feel it;
my heart had stopped beating, my spirit was screaming in pain and my soul
had died.
“No, No….”
Tears flowed rapidly down his face and I attempted to get to my feet but he
placed his hands on my cheeks. “Look at me, Chase. Look at me.”
My wide eyes locked onto his haunted ones. “You do not go over there.
She’s up here, Chase, her beautiful smile and beautiful eyes need to stay up
here” he stammered as he tapped my head.

I shook my head as realisation and acceptance hit me. A fierce raging fire
propelled from my lungs, burning them to a crisp en-route as it incinerated
my heart on the way. The ashes erupted from my throat in a scream so primal
and visceral that it burst a blood vessel in my eye and tore my throat, surging
blood from my mouth with it.
 CHAPTER 28
SPIRIT

“Spirit.”
I turned my head towards the soft voice as I squinted through the darkness
to seek out the woman calling my name.
“Where are you?” I called, frustration biting through me when I struggled
to see and the blackness refused to melt away.
“I’m here.”
I turned again and blinked when a tall woman with long blond hair and the
bluest, brightest eyes I had ever seen smiled gently at me.
I recognised her from somewhere and I squinted as I raked through my
memories trying to determine where from.
“Fight, Spirit. Fight for you and fight for him.”
I frowned as confusion tilted my head and I stared at her then looked
around, “Where are we?”
I turned back round when she didn’t answer but she just smiled fondly,
“You love him.”
“Yes.” It was simple and didn’t need any thought.
“Then you must tell him. Fight your fear; battle your terror to show him.”
“What? What does that even mean?”
She reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear, “Teach him to let go,
Spirit. Teach yourself to let go and hold on, hold on tight.”
What the hell was this woman mumbling on about?

“You really, really like him” she continued as she placed her hand over my
heart and tapped it twice.
My breath stilled and my jaw dropped as my body erupted in goose bumps,
tingles working their way through my veins as realisation shot into me when
she recited mine and Bulk’s words, “Oh my God, Shona.”
She smiled and cupped my face softly with a tender touch, “You don’t
really, really like him, Spirit. You must tell him. You must say it, voice it.
Remember face your terror and show him. Tell him his past doesn’t rule his
future. Face your terror, Spirit, learn to live again with him.”
 She closed her eyes slowly and I felt mine sinking with her as I followed
her to wherever, her hand slipping through mine as she guided me and
showed me.
And delivered me.
 CHAPTER 29
BULK

I watched the rain fall and hit the window as the wind drove it relentlessly,
its fury matching my own as I concentrated on each rivulet trickle down and
puddle on the windowsill.
Jen came and sat beside me, her slightly wide backside squeezing tightly
next to mine. “Believe, Bulk.” She whispered as the others slept, slumped in
various chairs around the waiting room and I frowned at her in exhaustion as
I rolled my head around my neck to ease the stiffness.
“How can I believe, Jen? What gives me reason enough to believe any
more?”

She smiled and took my hand, grasping it tightly between her tiny fingers,
“Because if you don’t then all that is left is doubt.”
I snorted and sighed heavily, screwing up my face with her cryptic words
but she placed a finger against my lips, “You doubt yourself? Then you doubt
Shona.”
I reared back and glared at her, her words slapping me hard and causing a
tremble in my gut but she carried on, “When Ethan… when he was beaten
and he pushed me away, I refused to give up, demanded myself to believe
that one day he would come back to me. And you know what? He did,
because I believed in him.”
I watched her eyes pool with both love and tears as she swallowed heavily,
her painful memories of how Boss had pushed her away time and time again
heavy on her. “But you know the most important part?”
She locked me down, her eyes fixed on me hard and stern. “I never
doubted Ethan, ever and I have never doubted him. I believe in him, even
now and I will always continue to believe in him because he believes in me.”
Her face darkened with a slight anger, her eyes firing her fury with me,
showing a side to her I had never seen.
Jen had been there throughout the last two years. Her arms were there to
hold me; her soft words of sympathy whispered in my ear and her heart had
reached out to mine to drag it out of the pit it had fallen in. But this time,
there were no arms holding me, no sympathy whispered in my ear and she
was far from dragging me out of hell.
“If you doubt yourself Bulk, then you doubt the one woman that always
believed in you, the one woman that would ache with your doubt because
right now, you doubt everything Shona was. She believed in you and I know
she believed that when she left this world that one day you would be happy
because she loved you that much and she never, ever doubted you.”

I stared at her, my heart in my mouth with her cruel words, each of them
curling into my head, clawing at my mind and piercing stabs of hurt into me.
“What the fuck would you know about Shona, Jen? You didn’t know her;
you wouldn’t know what she would want.”
She scoffed and her lips twitched into a smile as her eyes glinted
perceptively, “I know, Bulk,” she leaned forward and palmed my head, tilting
my face down to hers. “I know because she loved you with the same fierce
passion I love Ethan with and I would want him to be happy. I wouldn’t dare
leave this shitty fucking planet without believing that one day he would find
happiness again. I would fight angels and the fucking devil to stay here with
him if I once doubted that he wouldn’t be happy again without me. Shona
trusted you Bulk, she believed in you when she went and you doubt that
belief. You doubt her memory!”
She stood and left, slamming the door behind her as I just stared quietly
after her for a long while, until the door re-opened and a doctor stepped
through.

His eyes scanned the room and settled on Janey, “Miss Franks?”
Janey paled and tried to climb off the rickety couch but the doctor smiled
and placed a hand on her arm as he came to settle beside her, “Miss
Brannigan has sustained a severe bleed to the rear of her skull.”
Janey swallowed but nodded firmly. “We have managed to control the
bleed and she’s currently in ICU.”
“Okay” Janey said quietly as her eyes pleaded with him to let her hear
what she wanted to hear.
“She’s very poorly, Miss Franks but I’m hopeful.” He added with a small
smile as he patted her hand.

“The baby?” I choked out. My heart was beating wildly and causing my
ribcage to vibrate as he turned to study me.
“And you are, sir?”
I ran my tongue across my lips, desperately trying to moisten them and
heal the dehydrated cracks due to the dry air in the room, “Chase Donnelly,
the… uhh, the father... of the baby.”
He nodded and smiled, “Your baby is fine. Strong heartbeat and we’ll do
everything we can to keep it that way, Mr Donnelly.”
I blew out a breath as my knees buckled and my arse hit the windowsill
with a thud. “Can I, can I see her?” I asked hesitantly, unsure if I did actually
want to see her.
Guilt overwhelmed me as the awareness that Spirit had lived when Shona
hadn’t made me retch but I pulled it back, knowing Spirit would need me
now. She was carrying my baby, she had been attacked and god knows what
by her ex and she had died twice, once in the shack and another time in the
ambulance.

“If you would like to follow me Mr Donnelly, I’ll take you to her.” I
nodded briskly, forcing the emotions back as I shadowed and followed him
down the corridor.
“Just…” I held up a finger and dived into the gent’s toilets where I clung to
a sink and attempted to control the friction in my stomach and sweat pouring
from my head.
Why? Why? Why?

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to clear my thoughts but they wouldn’t

leave me. Shona, Spirit, Shona, Spirit!!!
“Jesus fucking Christ!”

I was going mad. My thoughts were switching and flicking rapidly with
each different reaction to each different outcome.
Shona had died.
Spirit had nearly died.
I missed Shona with a fierce pining.
I missed Spirit with a fierce ache.
Shona had died.
Spirit had survived.
Why couldn’t Shona have survived?
 The relief that Spirit had survived was incredible.
Why couldn’t Shona have survived?
I loved Shona intensely.
I loved…

I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go in that room and watch her chest rise and
fall as she sucked life into her when Shona’s had been so still and empty.
I couldn’t take her hand in mine when I hadn’t taken Shona’s.
I couldn’t fight the ache in my chest.
But at the same time, I wanted to battle it. I wanted to set the hatred free
and relish… Spirit.
I wanted to hold her so tight that I absorbed her, feel her tiny soft body
mould around mine until we were a single being. I wanted to wrap my hands
in her long stunning hair and never let go. I wanted to gaze at her beautiful
face for eternity, forever hold her gorgeous green eyes with mine and taste
the softness of her lips on mine endlessly.
A whimper left my throat when I tried to picture Shona smiling at me but
all I saw was Spirit’s wide smile, the perfection of beauty right there in front
of my mind as her eyes twinkled with naughtiness and her nose scrunched
slightly with her grin as her head tipped back and her amazing laugh fluttered
my stomach.
“No! No! It should be Shona! Always Shona.”
My fist perforated a cubicle door as my foot destroyed the rest of it before I
walked back out to the Doc, shook my head and left.
 CHAPTER 30
SPIRIT

Six weeks later

“Eat it!”
I blew out a breath as the toast formed a ball in my mouth and refused to
go down. “Janey,” I swallowed hard, forcing the stodgy lump down into my
stomach as I told myself my baby boy needed it. “I’m sure there hasn’t ever
been a pregnant woman in the course of history that has ever managed to eat
breakfast!”
She quirked an eyebrow at me, “Well you made the history books then,
eat!”
I curled a lip at her as I savagely tore a piece of toast and started chewing
as I diverted my attention to the morning news program on the telly and
snorted in disgust as a famous model gnashed her perfect white teeth at the
camera and stuck her perfect slim body in my jealous vision.
I looked down at my round belly. At twenty weeks, exactly half way
through my pregnancy, my stomach was already coming between me and my
favourite jeans and I pulled a face but then smiled widely as I rubbed my
hand over it and started to sing Eva Cassidy’s, Over the rainbow as Janey
stood from the table and joined me.
It was bittersweet as I sang to my boy but also sang to his daddy.

Bulk had never visited me once in my recovery, nor had he been in touch
since.
I had rang him numerous times and eventually the line was disconnected,
along with my soul.

‘Someday I'll wish upon a star,

and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me.’
 Placing my plate in the sink, I stared out at the little veranda of the cottage
Janey had brought me to a few weeks ago to separate me from life, as she had
said. It was perfect; tranquil and serene and the tiny private beach below the
house had given me plenty of recuperating and thinking time.

“Have you heard anything from Kenny yet?” Janey asked and I shook my
head as I kept my gaze secured on the outside world.
“No,” I turned round and frowned at her, “Do you think… do you think
Sal…?”
Janey smirked but then shrugged, “Well it seems funny that we haven’t had
a visit from the police over Danny or Kenny, so…”
E’s dad had taken care of Danny’s body but he still filled my nightmares. I
knew his face would haunt me forever and now I wondered if E had asked
them to take care of Kenny too.

I closed my eyes and blew out a strengthening breath as I spoke to Janey

without looking at her, I didn’t want to see her devastation when I told her.
My heart was fluttering wildly so I just burst out with it. “I killed Danny. It
wasn’t an accident.”

The silence was killing me and I jolted when I felt Janey’s hand slip into
mine, “I know.” She whispered and my eyes snapped open.
“You know?”
“Spirit,” she inhaled deeply and gave me a small sad smile. “I’m not stupid
and I know Danny, he was my brother. I am well aware of what he was
capable of. I came to terms with it when you were in your coma. I don’t
blame you, sweetie. Hell I even understand.”
I blew out a relieved breath and felt a small piece of the guilt lift. It just
hurt that Bulk hadn’t seen it the same way Janey had.
My heart didn’t ache. It couldn’t because it didn’t beat anymore and if it
wasn’t for my baby, I don’t think I would have pulled through the gap
between life and death. I would have forced myself through the damn gates,
running.

‘Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly

over the rainbow why then, oh why can't I?’
 Janey smiled softly as she took the washed plate from me and started to dry
it. “You thought about going back yet?”
I shrugged and rolled my lips, “What for? I might see if I can find a job
down here. There’s just something so relaxing here.”
She nodded but snorted, “I think there is only so much peace a person can
handle though before they go crazy.”
“Oh I dunno.” I passed her another plate as the news reader started a spiel
about a new government initiative to help the sick, “Like that will ever
happen.” I scoffed and turned to the TV to tell the presenter my thoughts.
“You really think disabled people don’t wanna go out there and join the other
few million who actually have jobs, you arsehole. You think they prefer to sit
indoors twenty four seven whilst you drain their bank accounts and let them
live on hand-outs?”
Janey started to laugh beside me and I scowled at her, “I’m telling you. I
think they would rather earn their money than depend on people to give it to
them.”
She nodded and pursed her lips mockingly, “Sweetie, I am with you one
hundred percent but I don’t think it’s that…”
The plate slipped from her grasp and shattered into tiny pieces on the floor
as Bulk’s face filled the television screen and my knees buckled at the
beautiful sight as a newsflash banner slipped across the bottom of the screen
and Janey reached for the remote and turned the volume high.

‘…We have just received news that Chase Donnelly, or Bulk as he is

generally known as, guitarist for internationally renowned rock group Room
103, has given a statement that he is parting from the band. Brent Howard,
manager for Room 103 gave this statement on behalf of Mr Donnelly.’

A slight quiver attached itself to my heart and kick-started the beat a little
as my eyes drank in the sight of Bulk stood beside Brent outside his house
gates.
I jolted when Janey grabbed my elbow and I hadn’t realised I was shaking
until then, “Sweetie, sit down.”

I turned my face towards her, my brow crumpled in confusion as I

desperately tried to listen to what Brent was saying. My mouth opened and
closed but nothing came out as Janey steered me towards the table and
lowered me into a chair.

‘…has decided after considerable thought and discussion with the rest of
the band that it is time to move on and approach another chapter in his life.
Bulk wants me to pass on his heartfelt thanks to all his fans for their support
and backing during the last four years.’

Microphones came into view on the screen as they were thrust before Bulk
and Brent.
‘Bulk, can I ask what you will doing now?’
Bulk smiled warmly at her before his eyes focused on the camera and my
breathing accelerated when I could read his thoughts in his eyes.
He was looking at me; I felt it, I knew it but I certainly wouldn’t accept it.
‘Yes, I have made the decision to move to America. I have friends over
there who are expecting me.’
Another microphone.
‘And when will that be, Bulk?’
The camera zoomed in as people scurried about in the background but I
didn’t focus on them, all I could see was my baby’s daddy deserting us.
‘I will be performing one last time with the band tomorrow and then I will
be leaving.’
 CHAPTER 31
BULK

The building was crazy tonight as we played for a select hundred in a small
club and I grinned as Romeo pressed his back to mine and came in with his
piece whilst I gazed around at my best friends and controlled the steel
beneath my fingertips, the high pulsing my veins and electrifying my brain
with every pluck and slap of the strings.
We were playing all the old ones for my benefit, each of them tearing a
piece of my heart off as I performed them for the very last time.

‘My Father always said

She’s just a girl, a hot-blooded woman
An invitation to pandemonium
Break it down boy, the Allure’s just emotion’

The guy’s support and encouragement had been epic, but Jen - Jen broke
my heart.
She wouldn’t accept me leaving, saying it was just because of Spirit. I
didn’t tell her she was right.
My gut pulled at the thought of my little sinner but I couldn’t be who she
needed and I was tired of fighting it; fighting against her, fighting for her,
fighting the gut-wrenching pain every time I thought about her and the
overwhelming feeling of guilt. I needed a fresh start, well away from where
the temptation was becoming too much.
Romeo had been in touch with her a couple of times but I hadn’t asked and
he hadn’t offered, but he had divulged that she was good and the pregnancy
was going well.
She wouldn’t understand why I was doing this, so I hadn’t been to see her
but once I had settled in Miami, I would contact her and arrange… I dunno,
but arrange something. Just because I was across the other side of the world
didn’t mean I didn’t love the tiny little thing. It was my flesh and blood and
always would be, whatever happened.
If I was honest with myself, I hadn’t been to see her because I knew I
wouldn’t be able to turn and leave again.

‘But me, I always say

Break it down boy, the Allure’s fucking E,
Just fucking E.’

The mass went wild with Jax’s edited ending to Allure as E walked on
stage with the final beat.
“E, E, E, E…” The familiar chant started and E grinned and saluted the
crowd as she approached the mic.
We all turned and observed her, her soft eyes catching mine as she tilted
her chin, gesturing for me to join her.
Screams and cheers erupted as I joined her and slipped an arm over her
shoulder, pulling her close and dropping a soft kiss to her head as her eyes
filled with tears, triggering my own ducts to moisten.

“Good evening!” E shouted and received a huge comeback. She curtseyed

and grabbed my hand, holding it high above her head as she waved to the
gathering.
“I’m sure you are all aware by now that Bulk has decided that he doesn’t
like his friends anymore.” She winked at me with a smile as everyone booed
and whistled.
She shook her head as she laughed and Jax, Romeo and Boss joined us, all
of them surrounding both me and my heart.
“Seriously…” she continued with a heavy sigh as she turned to me,
swallowing heavily and blowing out a deep breath. “You will always be with
us Bulk, wherever you are cos’ you’re glued to our hearts so securely that
when you leave you’ll tear a piece of each and take them with you.”
I closed my eyes and squeezed her hand, my heart pumping wildly and my
stomach knotting further with each of her words.
“There’s nothing more to say, other than we love you big guy and be
happy, Bulk please,” She choked out in a strangled voice.
I opened my eyes and she stared over my shoulder, her throat bobbing as
she flicked her eyes back to mine, a slight panic flitting through them as she
sucked on her lips.
I frowned and turned as the room suddenly went silent.
 My body roared to life as she stood at the corner of the stage, twiddling
with the cuff of her sleeve as her eyes held mine. The sadness in them
brought on a gasp but I sucked it back.
She took a step closer and I could feel my body heat up immediately, the
hairs on my arms lifted and my hands started to shake with the adrenaline
that surged through me.

“Hello Bulk,” she said quietly with a gentle smile when she reached me.
My eyes were all over her, on her beautiful face, on her round belly, back
up to her perfect face, down to her fidgeting hands, on her sweet lips and then
finally resting on her gorgeous green eyes.
“Spirit… What… what are you…?”
God damn, I couldn’t speak, I felt tongue-tied as her eyes dropped to my
mouth and then back up. She gulped and pulled in a deep breath as she
timidly looked around the room as all the attention settled on her. “Uhh, can
we talk?”
Oh god. It wasn’t a good idea. We both weren’t strong enough for this; we
were breaking more and more as each minute ticked by and I could feel my
heart start to slide, its beat becoming irregular and rampant.
“I don’t think…”
“Please,” she choked out brokenly as a tear trickled from the corner of her
eye. Embarrassment coursed through her face and she lowered her gaze and
pretended to scratch a spot of skin on her face as she wiped the tear away.
I lifted the strap of my guitar from my neck and placed it on the floor as a
diversion, pretending not to notice her shame.
I shook my head slightly and swallowed my anger at myself. I was going to
be tough. I was going to have to hurt her to free her.
I just wished I could free myself at the same time.

“No,” I forced out bluntly.

She blinked up at me and my stomach retched at the shock on her face but
then almost instantly she covered the hurt and ran her tongue around her
teeth. “Well, there are some things I need to say.”

I steeled myself, building a wall around me quickly as I prepared to

crumble her belief. “Sorry but there’s nothing really to discuss.”
I felt like shit, my heart was pounding and I’m sure there was a layer of
sweat lingering on my brow as my body chilled with the ice that flowed
through my veins and the heat that surged my heart as I took in everything
about her.
One last time.

“What?” she asked in bewilderment, her face paling painfully as self-

hatred ate away inside me.
“I said no, Spirit. Just go, there’s no reason for you to be here.”
A choked sob finally escaped her and my fists clenched as I watched my
words break her down, her eyes darkening and her face hardening.
She shook her head as she bit into her bottom lip savagely. I jolted when
she grabbed my hand and slapped it against her stomach, “Your son is reason
for me being here, Bulk.”
I muffled the strangled sound that rumbled up my throat as her words
whipped me and thrashed around inside my head, “I… you’re having a boy?”
She nodded but didn’t answer and I just stood staring at her full belly as
my fingers gently curled into her flesh as though I would be able to actually
feel him. I was virtually touching my son, my boy, my child.

‘Chase quick,” Shona shouted from the bathroom and I hurried in at her
frantic yell.
“Shona? What? God, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
She laughed at my face and grabbed my hand, quickly planting it against
her round belly as her beautiful face beamed with happiness.
I gasped. I felt it. It was soft but it was definitely there as Shona’s
incredible laugh soothed my nerves and filled me with joy. “You feel him,
darling, you feel your son?”
I laughed with her but frowned when I realised what she had said,
“We’re… we’re having a boy?”
She palmed my cheek tenderly, her happiness slipping slightly as she saw
my apprehension. “Yes, you are having a beautiful son, Chase Donnelly and
your son is having an amazing, wonderful dad who will love and protect him
to the end of the earth.”
“What if…”
She scowled at me and shook her head sternly, “Just because your father
was… who he was, makes no difference to how you will be.”
I nodded and smiled, her words soothing me as a small feeling of anguish
held in my gut. What if history was deemed to repeat itself? What if my
parenting skills were hereditary and I let Shona down; let both her and my
son down?
“Chase,” she slipped her hand around my head until she cupped the nape
of my neck and pulled my face down to hers tenderly.
Her lips hovered over mine as she pressed my hand further into her belly
to feel our son, “What have I said, darling. Your past doesn’t rule your
future, Chase.”

I snatched my hand back from Spirit’s stomach as though it burnt me. I

shouldn’t be enjoying feeling like this when Dylan was… was dead.
Oh Christ, I couldn’t cope with this and I felt my knees start to jerk as my
restraint started to crumble away.
“I’m sorry… Spirit, I… I’m so sorry.”
I slipped both hands into her hair, memorising the sweet scent as I buried
my face in her and took huge desperate breaths as though breathing her into
my lungs would bury her within me forever. “I can’t…”
I placed a kiss on her forehead, refusing to catch her eyes as I turned and
walked to the end of the stage, jumping down and walking through the
passageway the crowd had cleared for me down the centre of the room.

‘Made a wish, I can dream,

I can be what I want to be,
Not afraid to live life,
And fulfil my fantasies.’

My foot stuttered as I heard her soft voice singing Gabrielle’s, Sunshine,

the beautiful mellowness to her tone flowing through the air from behind me.

‘I learnt a lot of tricks to help me live my life,

You helped me find my paradise,
when you came you were like,’

Her voice was so soft and timid, and you could hear a pin drop around it
with the silence in the room. Then the guitar rhythm broke in with her song
and I closed my eyes, my whole body trembling with a longing to turn round
and wrap her in tight and never let go.
 ‘Sunshine through my window,
That's what you are,
My shining star,
Sunshine
Making me feel,
I'm on top of the world,
Telling me I'll go far.’

Her rich tone penetrated my ears, forcing its way into my head and lifting
everything inside me. I had never heard her sing solo before and I wondered
why she never did with a voice as beautiful as what she had.

‘Reaching out, for new highs,

You inspired me to try,
I felt the magic inside,
And I felt that I could fly,
I'm looking at the world in an optimistic light,
You made me appreciate my life,
Cos when you came you were like.

Sunshine through my window,

That's what you are,
My shining star
Sunshine
Making me feel,
I'm on top of the world,
Telling me I'll go far.

You are the calm,

I am the storm,
You are the breeze that carries me on,
When I set adrift,
You wink at me,
You're there for me.’

What did she want from me? Why the hell was she doing this to both of us.
Our relationship was cursed before we’d even started.
I couldn’t give her what she needed, and as she sang the last line I carried
on walking and quietly shut the door behind me.
 CHAPTER 32
SPIRIT

“How ironic” I scoffed as Imagine Dragon’s, Nothing left to say blasted

through my eardrums from the epic volume I had the stereo on. “Cheers
arsehole,” I toasted as I lifted my milk and saluted Bulk’s image I my head.

Where had I gone wrong?

I had thought embarrassing myself on stage, singing a song to him would
make him turn and declare his undying love for me.
Romance novels, huh?
Oh yeah, only in there! How foolish of me!

“Oh piss off!” I shouted to the neighbours above as they hammered on the
floor at the level of noise I was disturbing them with, “It saves having to
listen to your fucking bed springs. You need a new bed, love!” I shouted back
as they swore back at me through my ceiling.

‘Below my soul,
I feel an engine,
Collapsing as it sees the pain,
If I could only shut it out,
I've come too far,
To see the end now,
Even if my way is wrong,
I keep pushing on and on and on and on.’ I sang along with Dan Reynolds.

There's nothing left to say now,

there’s nothing left to say now,
I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now,
I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now,
There's nothing left to say now,
there’s nothing left to say now,
I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now,
I'm giving up, giving up, hey hey, giving up now.’

I stared into the night through the window as I massaged my growing

belly, “Just you and me kidda.”
My voice was optimistic but my heart felt far from that and I grumbled to
myself as a knock came on the door. “Ooh, what do ya’ bet its Gertrude
upstairs, babe.” I groaned as I patted my belly and hauled my body to the
door.
“The nut house is down the road…” I started as I opened the door but
stuttered to a mumble when Bulk stared at me, a slight amused but cautious
smile on his face.
“I must have the wrong place then.” He smirked but then straightened his
face as he took in my expression.
“What do you want?”
He exhaled heavily and lowered his eyes, “I came to say goodbye and…
and apologise for earlier.”
“No need.”
He pursed his lips as his eyes narrowed on me, “Don’t be stubborn, Spirit.”
He pushed past me and walked into the hallway, “We need to sort stuff out
about the baby.”
I scoffed and shook my head in bewilderment, “What the fuck, Bulk? I said
that to you earlier and you said there was nothing to sort out, so guess what?
There is nothing to sort out.”
He frowned and dropped his gaze to my mouth then snapped quickly back
up to my eyes, “What?”
“You heard me. I can handle things. Being a single parent can’t be that
hard, millions of women do it.”

He was quiet as I carried on, turning my back on him and slipping into the
bedroom to put on my robe. I didn’t appreciate the way his eyes kept
skimming over my chest, my nipples rebelling and hardening with Bulk’s
closeness, making them obvious through the thin material of my vest.
“What?” he repeated and I rolled my eyes.
“Are you having trouble understanding English?”
His face darkened and I shivered slightly with the anger crossing his
handsome face but I was on a roll, too far gone with his rejection to give a
fuck what he thought. “I said – I don’t need you. Is that clear enough?”
 He took a step towards me as his chest heaved with my casualness, “Oh it’s
very clear, honey. But let me make one thing clear.” He stopped before me
and titled my head back with a finger under my chin. I snatched my face
away but his thumb and finger seized onto me, holding my face locked on his
as he leant in further.
“This is my baby too; my son and I won’t let you keep me out of his life. I
told you, Spirit, I wanted to be a hands on dad.”

My jaw dropped as a bark of humorous laughter erupted from me before

full blown belly laughs were filling the room and I grabbed hold of Bulk’s
arm to steady myself. “You…” I shook my head in humour and pointed at
him, “You really think you can be hands on from America? Tell me, how
long do you think your arms really are? I know you have a big ten and a
quarter inch dick but I don’t think your arms are in proportion with that.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. What the fuck was he on? I was supposed to be
the druggie between us but I think Bulk was having a surreal moment if he
thought he could be involved from bloody America.

The laughter died as I found myself backed up against the wall, my arse
hitting the plaster with a thud and I growled angrily at him.
His chest heaved considerably, his teeth biting into his lower lip as he
pressed his thighs into my hips and clasped the tops of my arms. “I told you,
Spirit, don’t – fucking – growl – at – me!”
Jesus fucking Christ.

“Are you high?” I asked with amazement.

“Are you?” he bit back nastily as his eyes fired with anger and I scoffed at
his belief in me.
“Not a fucking grain. And thanks for the vote of confidence.”
He blinked when he realised how his loss of faith had hurt me. “I shouldn’t
have said that, I’m sorry.”
He sighed heavily and moved away, backing off and letting me move again
as he ran his hands over his head in agitation.
“Bulk, just go home. There is no point you being here and I’m sure you
have plenty of packing to do. You came to say goodbye, well goodbye. Have
nice life.”
He frowned at me and I wasn’t sure how long I was able to keep up with
the façade as he looked at me sadly, “I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry. I get that
you’re angry with me Spirit but…”
“Angry? Angry? Jesus Christ, you are fucking unbelievable, you know
that? What the hell do you want from me Bulk? I’m fucking dizzy with it all.
I am exhausted and I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” My voice broke and I
hissed at myself as my restraint started to slip. I needed to be strong, for my
baby’s sake… and mine because I knew if I let go, I would never be able to
hold it all back and I thought I might actually go crazy with it all.

“Spirit...”
“No. NO! Bulk, just stop. You either want me or you don’t. It is as simple
as that. There is nothing, nothing holding you back so why do this?”
“You know, Spirit, you know why I can’t do this?”
I shook my head sadly at him. He would never let go and I don’t think I
even had the energy to untie the rope that tied him to his past. It was
impossible and I didn’t have the heart to fight him anymore, “Go.” I
whispered as I stared at him dejectedly.
“Don’t look at me like that. You have no idea how different I want this to
be, Spirit. How much I want you. How much I am struggling with not being
able to touch you, to hold you and kiss you; to make it all okay. How much
pain I have at watching myself tear you to bits” he spat angrily.
“But yet you do it.”
“Fuck Spirit. I… I can’t let go, I want to, God I want to so much but I
promised her, I fucking promised her and…” He shook his head rapidly as
his inner turmoil started to consume him.
"God damn it, Bulk! I can't compete with a ghost; I can't fight a damn
shadow!" I bit back, so damn angry with his easy defeat.
He glared at me; his face inches from mine as the fire and hatred burnt
through me and seared my heart, "I don't want you to fight her for me, Spirit.
You can never win!"
I stared in shock, my jaw slack and low. Did he actually realise what he
had just said? I shook my head in distress as my temper finally broke and
shattered all restraint.
"GOD DAMN IT, SHE'S GONE BULK. SHE IS FUCKING DEAD!"

The look on his face shattered my soul and I covered my face with my
hands so I wouldn’t have to look at the overwhelming grief covering him, but
I could feel it seeping into my bones and chilling me from the outside in as
his torment finally spewed from him in abundance, his inner hell ripping into
me and crushing my own heart as I heard a choked whimper splatter the air
and hit me full on. It was quiet but the devastation in it made my blood still
and my lungs constrict.

I opened my eyes and my own desolate whimper surged at the sight of him
as his legs wobbled and his skin paled until I thought he was going to pass
out.
What had I done? What had I done to him?

Remember, face your terror and show him. Remember, face your terror
and show him.

I grabbed his hand and he let me, his horror at my words rendering him
passive and dumbstruck. His brow flinched when I pulled him but I kept
pulling him, dragging him hard and sturdily as my determination gave me
strength.
He was still shaking his head rapidly as I yanked him with me, my body
backing up bit by bit until it hit what I needed and Bulk’s eyes widened on
me.
My breathing was rapid and heavy as I started to pant and took another
step back, my heart screaming as my mind started to vibrate but I pulled
harder, my spirit grabbing the reins and tugging with me until my back hit the
wall.
I started to tremble but my soul climbed aboard and joined in, its potency
was astounding and I reached out, clenched my teeth and stared straight at
him as I flicked the switch and covered us in a spray of warm water.
The screaming in my head was agonising as I shivered violently. I was
blowing rapid pants as I grabbed onto whatever was helping me through this
and made it give more, made it give me the force to do this, made it rear up
and fucking fight with a violent urgency.

I took a step sideways and poised myself straight under the flow of the
water, its angry torrent blasting my head with what felt like knives as I started
to lose my fight and my knees buckled.
I shook my head in desperation as I tried to battle it with everything I had,
as I started to chant at a screaming level, my chest heaving as I stared at Bulk.
“I love you. I love you. I love you… I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU… I…”

“I love you…” he finished for me as we both dropped to our knees and

clung on in desperation.
A loud sob erupted from us both, the distraught blast hitting the tiles and
echoing around the shower cubicle as he palmed my face tightly, “I love you,
I love you…”
His tears came thick and fast as something broke inside him with each
word and the most anguished heart breaking sound roared from within him as
he cupped my face in both despair and liberation.
His cries were loud as he wiped away the tears that were streaming down
my face. “I love you… I love you, Spirit. I LOVE YOU…” he finally
screamed as his chest heaved with each of his agonized howls.

My body was beginning to shut down with my terrifying phobia as the

water continued to pound on me, each strike of water reproducing a crack of
the showerhead on my skull. My rapid breathing was making me light-
headed but I bolted myself to the floor, desperate to show him, to show him,
just as Shona had told me.

‘When I look into your eyes,

It's like watching the night sky,
Or a beautiful sunrise,
Well, there's so much they hold,
And just like them old stars,
I see that you've come so far,
To be right where you are,
How old is your soul?’

His weak velvety voice grabbed me and held me up as he sang Jason

Mraz’s, I won’t give up quietly but effortlessly.

‘Well, I won't give up on us,

Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up,
And when you're needing your space,
To do some navigating,
I'll be here patiently waiting,
To see what you find.’

My lungs filled and my brain stilled as my blood calmed just to listen to his
beautiful voice. The strength in his tone, lifting and lifting until he was
singling loudly, his hands touching me everywhere as his eyes locked me
down and fed me courage as I started to sing with him.

'Cause even the stars they burn,

Some even fall to the earth,
We've got a lot to learn,
God knows we're worth it,
No, I won't give up.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily,

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make,
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use,
the tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake.
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend,
for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn,
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in,
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am.’

He shifted me until I was straddled on his knees, my hands on his chest as

his slid around my neck and cupped my head gently as he nodded in
encouragement and raised his voice until he was urging me along and
carrying me through the fear as the water pelted down and drenched us.

‘I won't give up on us,

Even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us,

God knows I'm tough enough,
We've got a lot to learn,
God knows we're worth it.

I won't give up on us,

even if the skies get rough,
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up.’

We stared silently at each other for a long time, both of us feeding off the
other’s gaze as we both started to breathe normally and Bulk lifted his hand
and placed it between my breasts.
“I love you River Phoenix Jolene Spirit Brannigan. I love you” he
whispered as he tapped me twice.
I giggled and he smiled widely, “And I love you, Chase Trent Donnelly?” I
whispered as I copied his act, drumming my palm against his heart twice.
He quirked a brow in surprise as I said his middle name and I wasn’t even
sure I knew where I had learnt it from but I cupped his face tenderly, “I have
a message for you.”
He frowned and gave me a sceptical smile. “Your past doesn’t rule your
future,” I whispered as I brushed my lips over his.
He gasped and I gently bit his lower lip before he moaned softly and
covered my mouth with his, kissing me tenderly but with a fierce passion as
he wrapped his hand around my hair and tilted my head so he could control
the kiss, deepening it until he was consuming me, devouring me and taking
me.
“I have another message for you.” He gulped and I smirked at him, “I
never really did put a curse on that lovely cock of yours.”
His lips curled with his own smirk as his eyes sparkled, “So it would be
okay to use it then?”
I nodded briskly as I beamed at him, “It really would because I really,
really like your cock, Bulk.”
He leaned forward and bit my lower lip, triggering a groan from me as he
tugged on it faintly, “But honey, I don’t really, really like your pussy.”
My eyes widened as I stared at him. “I love it!” He finished with a wide
smile before he slid me up the shower wall, tucking his shoulders under my
thighs until I was towering above him and his face was buried between my
legs.

“Uhh, Bulk.”
He reared back slightly to peer up at me and I nearly whimpered at the loss
of his expert tongue as I looked down at him from the ceiling, “You know
I’m pregnant, right?”
He frowned at me and nodded slowly as he planted a gentle kiss on my
tummy and my heart soared, “Well, the thing is… it makes me wanna pee at
really bad times.”
He rolled his lips and closed his eyes as he tried to stifle a chuckle, “Do
you need to wee, Spirit?”
“Yeah, really bad” I cringed as he chuckled and slid me back down.
“Thank you,” I yelled as I made a dash for it.
“I love you, Spirit!”
“I love you too,” I shouted back as I skipped across the bathroom floor.
“Marry me, River Phoenix Jolene Spirit Brannigan.”
I skidded to a halt as I peered down at the floor, “I would love to marry
you, Chase Trent Donnelly but now I’ve pee’d myself.”
His laughter filled the whole of the room as it bounced merrily off the
walls and burst into my heart with a heavy slam.
I grinned and squealed loudly as his arms circled me and he lifted me over
the puddle, “Well then, now you don’t need to pee, let’s get back to
business.”
“I’d really, really like that.”
 EPILOGUE
SHONA

“This is my baby too; my son and I won’t let you keep me out of his life. I
told you, Spirit, I wanted to be a hands on dad.”

I tilted my head as my heart ached for him. His hand was constantly
clamped around my heart, his fist brutal and tight as he still gripped hard after
seven years.
Seven years of having to watch over him, seven years of seeing him
struggle through life, torturing himself every second and I felt each tired beat
of his shattered heart as it screamed for me.
It hadn’t been his fault. It hadn’t even been my fault. But God had avenged
for me and my son and I had learnt to forgive. Chase needed to do that now.

“Mommy, Daddy’s shouting at Spirit again.”

I sighed and nodded as I looked down at Dylan, “I know baby, he’s just
angry.”
He gave me a sad look and nodded, “But he doesn’t need to be cross, Spirit
loves him like we do.”
I smiled widely at him and pulled him close, tucking him in tightly under
my arm, “She does, very much and I’ll let you into a secret… Daddy loves
Spirit very much too.”
The sound of giggles made my heart flutter and I scrunched up my nose as
the soft sound tickled my ears.

“Don’t look at me like that. You have no idea how different I want this to
be, Spirit. How much I want you. How much I am struggling with not being
able to touch you, to hold you and kiss you; to make it all okay. How much
pain I have at watching myself tear you to bits.”

He shouted angrily at Spirit and I flinched as his pain wrapped around me

and tore more of me apart, taking another piece of what little soul I had left
for support as his stubbornness clouded around him like the morning mist
over the Scottish lochs.

“Mommy, it hurts.” Dylan winced as his daddy’s pain furrowed deep into
him and bound his soul severely. “Help him, mommy, please.”
Tiny tears and low sobs tortured me and I whispered shushes, “Wait, wait.”

"God damn it, Bulk! I can't compete with a ghost; I can't fight a damn
shadow!"

Spirit’s anguish made my head hurt and a tortured weep beside me made
me swallow hard, “Shush my darling.” I reached out and slipped the petite
hand into mine as fingers curled around mine and clung on desperately.
“Please help them.”
I looked down and smiled tenderly, pushing a piece of black hair aside,
“Soon, very soon.”

"GOD DAMN IT, SHE'S GONE BULK. SHE IS FUCKING DEAD!"

The cries beside me enveloped my heart and started to crush me as Chase’s

devastation choked us, its intensity chaining whips around our souls and
squeezing so tightly blood started to weep from us. “Do something, do
something.”
I nodded, it was time. They were both at breaking point and I leaned
forward, closing my eyes as I willed myself to flow, float in the air and gently
shadow Spirit as her pain tore her soul from her body as it tried to join mine
for peace and tranquillity.

“Remember, face your terror and show him. Remember, face your terror
and show him.”
I spoke softly as I pushed her soul back, it wasn’t ready. She needed to heal
and live first. She needed to show my husband what love was like again. She
needed to feel real love and Chase could give her that. It was time for them
both to break free now and as she took his hand and pulled at him I started to
feel the shift inside me.

Tiny hands slipped into mine and pulled me back as a warm and soft
current began to flow through us.
 “It tickles.” Little giggles brought my own laughter as the tingling grew
and grew until it was one complete hum inside us.
We held each other tightly as Spirit’s phobia made her spirit scream in a
tortuous shriek, the pure raw pain in it made us gasp for breath.

“I love you. I love you. I love you… I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU… I…”

Spirit’s chant started to rumble the air around us and I closed my eyes and
smiled peacefully as my soul sang when the lost broken pieces forged their
way back inside me and danced with the remaining fragments until they
locked together with an overwhelming sense of relief with Chase’s next
shouted words.

“I love you… I love you… I love you, Spirit. I LOVE YOU…”

Giggles and delighted laughter excited the air around us, twirling like a
gentle breeze in the summer, its warmth and glee brought blissful tears as I
finally watched my husband let me go and at long last set me and his son
free.

“Ready, Dylan?” I asked as I looked down and he smiled excitedly,

nodding eagerly as he slipped his hand in mine.
“Ready?” I turned to the other side.
“Ready.” Amy confirmed, nodding just as happily as she slipped her hand
in my other.

They both gasped and widened their eyes and I looked down to see Chase
taking Spirit in one of his beautiful kisses.
“Does Chase know that Brandon is in mummy’s tummy?” Amy asked
quite crossly and I laughed lightly.
“He does. Let’s leave them alone now. Let them find their peace like we’ve
found ours.” I whispered playfully in her ear as I turned and led them both
away.

We walked slowly towards where we were going and as the gates closed I
turned back and blew a kiss into the air, “Thank you, Chase. Be happy my
darling, be happy.”
 I smiled as I turned back, the children running off in front to explore as I
felt an utter peace settle over me.
“Goodbye, my love. I love you,” I whispered as the air around me
shimmered and lifted my spirit high.
But I went gladly, knowing that my love would be fine.
At long last, at last.
The End