"SHAKESPEARE IN THE WRONG HANDS"

Written by

Bruce Kane

Copyright (c) August 2023 Bruce Kane Productions

bk@kaneprod.com
 "SHAKESPEARE IN THE WRONG HANDS"

"Shakespeare In The Wrongs Hands" is protected by copyright

laws and may not be produced or presented without permission
from Bruce Kane Productions. To obtain a royalty free
license please go to kaneprod.com/contact.htm.

(Lights up on the the Inn Of

The Three Witches. Juliet is
pacing impatiently while
Desdemona sits at a table
doing needlepoint. On a table
sits the head of Anne Boleyn.)

(The NARRATOR enters and

addresses the audience)

NARRATOR
(to audience)
William Shakespeare, actor, poet, playwright, husband,
father and most importantly for the producers of this show,
dead for four hundred years. No copyright, no litigation, no
lawyers, no complaining. We begin, here, at The Inn Of The
Three Witches where we are about to meet five of the Bard's
most enduring female characters, including the faithful and
tragic Desdemona.

(Gestures toward Desdemona)

JULIET
(petulantly)
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

NARRATOR
The young and tragic Juliet.

ANNE
(calling out)
Hey... Somebody... How about a straw?

NARRATOR
And the tragic Anne Boleyn. Or at, least the head of the
tragic Anne Boleyn. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an
Evening Of Shakespeare.. In The Wrong Hands.

(He exits)

JULIET
Romeo... Romeo.

ANNE
Is she gonna do that all day?
 2.

DES
Leave her alone. She's in love.

ANNE
Give me a break.
(to Juliet)
Hey, kid... How long have you and this..?

JULIET
Romeo.

ANNE
Whatever. How long have you two been getting it on?

JULIET
"Getting it on?" We are definitely not "getting it on."

ANNE
Really? Then what's the point?

DES
They only just met. A real relationship takes time to grow.

ANNE
You read too much. You know that?

JULIET
The real problem is...

ANNE
Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. What's her name?

JULIET
Who?

ANNE
The real problem.

JULIET
There is nobody else.

ANNE
There's always somebody else.

JULIET
The problem is he's a Montague.

ANNE
So, he's a Montague.

JULIET
I'm a Capulet. Our families hate each other.
 3.

DES
Tell me about it.

JULIET
Your families don't get along either?

DES
His side is fine. It's mine. The whole racial thing.

JULIET
We're always having to sneak around.

ANNE
Isn't that hot?

DES
Please. Look what sneaking around got you.

(The front door slams open.

Katherine storms in)

KATHERINE
I..! Hate..! Men..!

ANNE
Look who's here. If it isn't The Duchess of Shrews...bury.

KATHERINE
Men!... Are!...Pigs!

DES
Oh, you don't mean that, Katherine

KATHERINE
All men... are... pigs.

ANNE
Okay. Let's hear it. What did Petruchio do this time?

KATHERINE
He's a man. Isn't that enough?

DES
Oh, you say that about every man you go out with.

KATHERINE
That's because every man I go out with is a pig.

DES
What about Lorenzo? You two were pretty hot and heavy there
for a while.
 4.

KATHERINE
Until he turned into a whiny, sniveling, momma's boy pig.

ANNE
How about Antonio? He was definitely not a momma's boy.

KATHERINE
Antonio was a preening, self absorbed, narcissistic... pig.

DES
Marcello seemed very nice.

KATHERINE
He was.

DES
So? What was the problem?

KATHERINE
He was also married. The pig.

ANNE
Face it Katie. The only reason you fight with all these guys
is for the make up sex afterwards. Not that I'm criticizing.

(Hecate, an ancient crone, in

rags, shuffles in.)

HECATE
Can I get anybody anything?

KATHERINE
A double espresso.

HECATE
Miss Desdemona? Miss Juliet?

(Juliet waves her off)

DESDEMONA
I'm fine.

ANNE
A straw would be nice.

HECATE
I'll be right back.

(Hecate exits)

JULIET
(agrily)
If he doesn't show up soon...
 5.

KATHERINE
What's her problem?

DES
Her young man didn't show up.

KATHERINE
(to Juliet)
Count your blessings.

JULIET
What am I going to do?

KATHERINE
For one thing, you're gonna stop mooning around like a sick
cow over this... what'shisname?

JULIET
Romeo.

KATHERINE
Really? That's a name? I thought it was a condition.

JULIET
What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as
sweet.

KATHERINE
Who sold you that bill of goods?

JULIET
He told me that.

KATHERINE
Before or after he put his hand down your dress?

DES
Behave yourself, Katie.

KATHERINE
You want this Romeo of yours to take you seriously?

JULIET
With all my heart.

KATHERINE
Then tell him to get lost. Take a long walk off a short
pier.

JULIET
Why would I want to do that?
 6.

KATHERINE
Men are only interested in one thing. And as soon as they
get that one thing, they want that one thing from someone
else.

ANNE
Someone else. That was my middle name for a while.

KATHERINE
Take for example that pig Petruchio.

DES
How can you talk like that about the man you're going to
marry?

KATHERINE
Marry? Who said I was going to marry Pertruchio?

DES
Your father for one.

KATHERINE
My father just wants me out of the house.

DES
Who could blame him?

KATHERINE
I could be marrying a goat for all he cares.

JULIET
I'm confused.

KATHERINE
Don't be. That's the man's job. Your job is to keep him that
way.

ANNE
Where were you when I was tall?

KATHERINE
It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey. Men
love journeys. All you have to do is keep moving the
goalposts.

DES
Nonsense. Othello and I are perfectly happy.

KATHERINE
Really? Happy?

ANNE
What have you heard?
 7.

DES
She hasn't heard anything because there is nothing to hear.

KATHERINE
Well, Petruchio told me that Iago told him that there's
trouble in paradise.

DES
Iago is just a big troublemaker. He doesn't know what he's
talking about.

KATHERINE
If you say so.

ANNE
Come on Des. It's only us girls. You've got to talk to
someone.

DES
Well, Othello has been acting a little strange lately.

ANNE
Like how strange? What strange?

DES
He keeps asking me questions.

ANNE
About what?

KATHERINE
Yeah. What kind of questions?

DES
Little things. Dumb things.

ANNE
Does he think you're, you know, like fooling around?

DES
Of course, not.

ANNE
Are you, like, fooling around?

DES
How could you even think such a thing?

ANNE
If he thinks you are, you might as well be.
 8.

DES
(to Juliet)
Don't listen to her. She's just bitter.

ANNE
Only you could have the worst of two worlds. A husband that
thinks you’re fooling around without the fun of actually
fooling around.

DES
Could we please change the subject?

KATHERINE
This is exactly what I was talking about.

DES
Don’t you tell this impressionable child she should be
having promiscuous relationships.

KATHERINE
I'm telling her just the opposite. If Othello was still
pursuing you, he wouldn't be accusing you of sleeping with
other men. He'd be competing with them.

JULIET
(impatiently)
Oh, where is he?

KATHERINE
Forget him.

JULIET
I can't.

KATHERINE
He's not the only fish in the sea. Look at you. You're
young, you're hot and if I didn't like you so much, I'd hate
you. You've got to let him know that as far as you're
concerned, it's raining men.

JULIET
He'll just lose interest.

KATHERINE
Au contraire, my dear. Au contraire. That's when he'll
really get interested.

DES
Starting a relationship on false pretenses can only end in
disaster.
 9.

KATHERINE
False... True... They're all pretenses and they all end up
in disaster. When the ship goes down you just have to make
sure you're the one in the life boat.

DES
I could never live that way.

KATHERINE
Petruchio would never accuse me of having an affair.

DES
Why not?

KATHERINE
Because he’s too busy trying to start one with me.

ANNE
You mean you and Pertruchio aren't...

KATHERINE
That's right.

ANNE
Then what do you..?

KATHERINE
I said Petruchio and I aren't. I didn't say I wasn't.

DES
I'm shocked.

ANNE
You go girl.

DES
Juliet, don't listen to these two.

JULIET
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I should see other boys.

DES
Do you want to end up like her?

(She points at Anne)

ANNE
Hey… Don’t forget. I was once queen of England.

DES
And look at you now.
 10.

ANNE
But when I lived, I really lived. Not like you. All prim and
proper and tasting life in delicate little forkfuls.
(to Juliet)
You listen to Katherine. No man will ever rule her.

KATHERINE
High five.
(starts to high five
Anne, then realizes)
Sorry.

ANNE
No problem.

KATHERINE
Everyone calls me a shrew and worse. Well, if I’m such a
damn shrew why is Petruchio still hanging around? Come on
Desdemona, you’re the expert on love and marriage. Why
didn’t Petruchio take off long ago?

DES
Maybe he sees beyond your exterior. Maybe he sees the real
you.

KATHERINE
First of all I’ve got a great exterior. And second of all,
he hasn’t gotten beyond first of all.

DES
You can't really believe that.

KATHERINE
As soon as he gets his hands on this exterior he’s gonna be
looking around to get his hands on every other exterior… and
posterior he can.

DES
If you have such a low opinion of Petruchio why do you care
if he stays or doesn’t stay?

KATHERINE
That's my business.

JULIET
Oh... You love him.

KATHERINE
Don't be ridiculous.

DES
The girl is right. You do love him.
 11.

KATHERINE
That is completely irrelevant.

DES
How can you say love is irrelevant?

KATHERINE
Because it's a weakness. Especially in a woman. It makes you
vulnerable. And I will never be vulnerable again.

DES
But, you’ll also never know true happiness.

KATHERINE
If it means that I’ll never have to walk in any man’s
shadow, it’s a trade off I’ll gladly make.

JULIET
I don't think I could do that.

KATHERINE
Wait till you come home some day and find lipstick on
Romeo’s tunic and it’s not yours.

JULIET
Romeo wouldn't do that.

KATHERINE
He's a man, isn't he?

ANNE
That’s why I never waited around for any man to cheat on me.
If lipstick was going to show up on any tunics, I made sure
it was mine.

DES
And it usually was.

(Hecate enters. She hands a

note to Juliet, gives
Katherine her espresso and
drops a straw in Anne's
flagon)

ANNE
About time.

(Hecate exits)

JULIET
It's from him.
 12.

DES
What does it say.

JULIET
It says my bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as
deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are
infinite.

ANNE
Would someone mind sticking a finger down my throat.

JULIET
He wants to see me.

KATHERINE
Then let him make the trip.

ANNE
And make sure it's over broken glass.

DES
You go see him, child.

KATHERINE
You're making a big mistake.

JULIET
Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall goodbye til it be
morrow.

(Katherine puts her finger

down Anne's throat)

ANNE
Thank you.

(Juliet runs off)

DES
You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

ANNE
It's a tough world out there. The child's gotta be prepared.

DES
Don’t either of you remember the first time you fell in
love? How startlingly it was. How utterly wonderful.

KATHERINE
How old are you?
 13.

DES
Well, I still feel that way about Othello. Just like the
first day I laid eyes on him. And you feel that way about
Petruchio… I can tell.

KATHERINE
You're a very sick woman.

DES
And what about the first time you met Henry? What did you
see?

ANNE
A large stomach and all the wealth of England.

(Hecate returns)

HECATE
Can I get you ladies anything else?

DES
Hecate...

HECATE
Yes, Miss Desdemona.

DES
Have you ever been in love?

HECATE
There was a warlock I had my good eye on once. Everyone
said it was a match made in hell. Sexiest man I ever met.
Big ears, horns, fangs… Skin like rotting flesh… Man, he was
hot.

KATHERINE
Didn't work out?

HECATE
Caught him with some witch.

KATHERINE
What did you do?

HECATE
Turned him into a toad.

KATHERINE
A toad. You gotta teach me how to do that.

DES
I hate to break this up but I have to get going.
 14.

KATHERINE
Yeah... Me too.

ANNE
Sure, you don't want to stay around for another flagon?

DES
No, I gotta go. I told Othello that I’d make his favorite
dish for him.

KATHERINE
What a coincidence. I promised Petruchio I’d throw his
favorite dish at him.

(Katherine and Desdemona

exit.)

HECATE
(shaking her head)
Tsk… Tsk … Tsk.

ANNE
What's wrong, Hecate?

HECATE
Nothing. Nothing.

ANNE
You've seen something, haven't you?

HECATE
So sad.

ANNE
What is so sad?

HECATE
Poor Miss Desdemona.

ANNE
What about poor Miss Desdemona?

HECATE
In a fit of jealousy...

ANNE
Yes? What about a fit of jealousy?

HECATE
Othello..

ANNE
Yes? Yes?
 15.

HECATE
He will strangle poor, lovely Miss Desdemona.

ANNE
Oh my God. And what bout Juliet? Did you see something
about Juliet?

HECATE
So young. So tragic. Because of a terrible misunderstanding,
she will take her own life.

ANNE
Oh no... No.

HECATE
And Miss Katherine.

ANNE
What about Miss Katherine?

HECATE
It's too horrible to consider. Even for me.

ANNE
You must tell me.

HECATE
She will suffer the worst fate of all.

ANNE
What could be worse than dying?

HECATE
She will marry Petruchio.

ANNE
(alarmed)
Oh, no!

HECATE
It gets worse.

ANNE
What could be worse.

HECATE
She will cook for him.

ANNE
Horrors.

HECATE
She will clean his house.
 16.

ANNE
I can't listen to this.

HECATE
She will wash his clothes.

ANNE
The infamy... The infamy.

HECATE
And then...

ANNE
And then what?

HECATE
She will iron them.

ANNE
This is just too awful to bear.

HECATE
There's more.

ANNE
More?

HECATE
She will get fat with him.

ANNE
(catty)
Well, she always was a little on the heavy side.

HECATE
She will fight with him constantly.

ANNE
That's our Kate.

HECATE
And then they will have incredible make up sex.

ANNE
Every cloud has its silver lining.

HECATE
Which will result in a dozen screaming brats.

ANNE
Oh the barbarity. The barbarity. Poor, poor Katherine.
 17.

HECATE
Well, you asked.

(She exits)

ANNE
(to audience)
Ladies… Ladies… Ladies… I hope you’ve been paying close
attention. There’s a cautionary lesson to be learned from
the fates suffered by dear Desdemona, lovely Juliet, and
outspoken Katherine. Men can be wonderful diversions, God
knows. And sometimes they’re even necessary. But take it
from someone who’s been there. Never… ever… ever... lose
your head over one.

(The table with Anne's head,

is removed and replaced with a
chair draped in a
beautifician's smock and a
table on which sit combs,
brushes, scissors, etc. We are
now in Ruby's House Of Beauty
somewhere in Elsinore Castle.

OPHELIA enters and starts

fussing with her hair in a
hand mirror.

The Narrator returns)

NARRATOR
We move now to thirteenth century Denmark and Ruby's House
of Beauty, located somewhere in Elsinore Castle.

(The Narrator exits as Ruby

enters)

RUBY
Stop playin’ with your hair girl. That’s my job.

OPHELIA
Oh Ruby, you have to make me especially beautiful.

RUBY
Honey, this is a comb, not a magic wand.

OPHELIA
I mean it. I have to look really, really hot tonight.

RUBY
What's the big occasion?
 18.

OPHELIA
I'm going to be a princess.

RUBY
Trust me girl, you've been a princess for a very long time.

OPHELIA
No, I mean of real princess. With the tiara and the whole
nine yards.

RUBY
Who died?

OPHELIA
Nobody died.

RUBY
I thought with you people, every time someones dies, you all
move up one.

OPHELIA
I'm going to marry a prince. I'm going to be Princess
Ophelia.

RUBY
He told you he was a prince, did he?

OPHELIA
He is a prince.

RUBY
I'd be careful if I were you, child. A lot of frogs out
there claimin' to be princes.

OPHELIA
This one's no frog.

RUBY
I'd have someone run a background check, if I were you.
Every guy nowadays with a pair of tights and a sword says
he's a prince.

OPHELIA
I'm going to marry Prince Hamlet.

RUBY
Hold on here... You are going to marry the prince of
darkness?

OPHELIA
You really shouldn't say those things about him.
 19.

RUBY
Honey, that man could depress a hyena.

OPHELIA
He just has a lot on his mind.

RUBY
He's a friggin' prince. He doesn't do jack. What on God's
green earth could he have on his mind?

OPHELIA
It's his father.

RUBY
Unless they went to a lot of expense to bury the wrong guy,
your boyfriend’s father is dead.

OPHELIA
That's the problem.

RUBY
What? Are you tellin' me the old guy's not dead?

OPHELIA
Oh, no. He'd dead alright.

RUBY
One more time. What's the problem?

OPHELIA
Hamlet thinks...

(she fidgets)

RUBY
Oh boy, here it comes.

OPHELIA
I really shouldn't say anything.

RUBY
Fine with me child. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t pay much
attention. If you ask me, all these royals are a couple of
raisins short of a Danish. It's what happens when cousins
marry.

OPHELIA
Okay, if you must know, Hamlet doesn’t think his father died
of natural causes.

RUBY
Hell, girl, this is Elsinore. Nobody dies of natural causes.
 20.

OPHELIA
You have to promise not to tell a soul.

RUBY
My lips are sealed.

OPHELIA
Well, Hamlet thinks that his step father...

RUBY
Claudius... The new king.

OPHELIA
Yes. Claudius, the new king. Well, Hamlet thinks the new
king had something to do with his father's death.

RUBY
He thinks Claudius croaked his old man?

OPHELIA
Something like that.

RUBY
He may be on to something.

OPHELIA
You think the king could do something so... gross?

RUBY
This is Denmark. There's always something rotten going on
somewhere. So, uh... did the prince of indecision come to
this conclusion all by his lonesome?

OPHELIA
Not... exactly.

RUBY
Just how, exactly.

OPHELIA
His father told him.

RUBY
His father is dead.

OPHELIA
I know it's a little hard to believe.

RUBY
Oh no... No. Hard to believe? Hamlet's dead father talks to
him.
 21.

OPHELIA
There's more.

RUBY
I can't wait.

OPHELIA
His father...

RUBY
Yes?

OPHELIA
Wants him to kill Claudius.

RUBY
So, let me get this straight. Hamlet told you that his old
man... his dead and buried old man... came back from the
grave and told his son that Claudius was somehow responsible
for his death and now he wants Hamlet to bump off the king.

OPHELIA
Pretty much.

RUBY
And you want to marry this guy?

OPHELIA
When he asks me.

RUBY
Hold on just a cotton pickin’ minute here. He hasn’t asked
you to marry him?

OPHELIA
Not in so many words.

RUBY
We're talking about Hamlet here. If he does ask it'll be in
so many words you won't know what the hell he's talking
about.

OPHELIA
The ring will do all the talking necessary.

RUBY
How well do you know Prince Hamlet? When I say "how well?" I
mean "how well?"

OPHELIA
Well enough.
 22.

RUBY
Take it from someone who's been there, done that and got the
T shirt, "well enough" ain't well enough.

OPHELIA
I know he loves me.

RUBY
He told you that?

OPHELIA
Not in so many words.

RUBY
How many words does it take? Then again, we are talking
about Prince Hamlet.

OPHELIA
He doesn't have to say anything. I know he does.

RUBY
You're a child. When it comes to men, you don't know squat.

OPHELIA
I can't tell by the way he looks at me.

RUBY
Don’t confuse myopia with interest.

OPHELIA
(adamantly)
He loves me and I am going to marry him.

RUBY
The prince never seemed like the marryin' kind to me.
Y'know, always hanging out with his bros.

OPHELIA
Are you talking about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? They all
went to college together. That's all there is to it.

RUBY
Hamlet always seemed more of a mama's boy. That's all I'm
sayin'.

OPHELIA
It's true that Hamlet's not too pleased with his mother
these days. He thinks she married his uncle too soon after
his father’s funeral.

RUBY
Oh really? He thinks the next day was too soon?
 23.

OPHELIA
This is serious. Don't make jokes.

RUBY
Who’s making jokes? They used the leftovers from the funeral
to cater the wedding.

OPHELIA
Hamlet thinks there may have been something going on between
Claudius and Gertrude even before.

RUBY
He thinks? He thinks? Hell, everybody in Elsinore knew
Gertrude and Claudius were busy steamin’ up the old
Wamsuttas.

OPHELIA
Well, I didn’t know it.

RUBY
Are you blind, child? Even at the funeral, Claudius had his
hand firmly planted on her royal keester. Maybe the prince
should seek a little professional help. I mean, “I see dead
people.” Give me a break here.

OPHELIA
Ruby, what do you think I should I do?

RUBY
What does your father say?

OPHELIA
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be.”

RUBY
Why? Does your old man think you want to go into business
with Hamlet?

OPHELIA
No, that's just the way he talks. “To thine own self be true
and it follows as the night the day” … yadada, yadada,
yadada.

(Ruby holds up a mirror in

front of Ophelia)

OPHELIA
Oh Ruby, you're a dream.

RUBY
We are all such stuff as dreams are made on. And you can
quote me on that.
 24.

OPHELIA
Ruby, if Hamlet doesn’t ask me to marry him, I swear I’ll
drown myself.

RUBY
Now, now child… You must not talk that way. You listen to
Ruby. Men are like ferry boats. If you miss one, there’ll
be another one along in an hour. Now run along.

(Ophelia gives Ruby a hug and

runs off.)

OPHELIA
Wish me luck.

RUBY
Luck.
(to herself)
You're gonna need it.
(calls out)
Next.

(GERTRUDE, Hamlet's mother

enters)

RUBY
Your majesty.

GERTRUDE
Rosie, how are you?

RUBY
Ruby.

GERTRUDE
What?

RUBY
Ruby. My name is Ruby.

GERTRUDE
Are you contradicting your queen?

RUBY
No, ma'am. I was merely pointing out.

GERTRUDE
One does not "point out" to their queen.

RUBY
Yes, your royal haughtiness.
 25.

(Gertrude sits. Ruby drapes a

smock over her.

RUBY
Well, what will it be today?

GERTRUDE
Just a touch up.

RUBY
Want me to do something with those roots?

GERTRUDE
I am the queen. The queen does not have roots. She has
transitions.

RUBY
(begins working on
Gertrude)
How have you been, majesty? I haven't see you here since the
wedding. I suppose congrats are in order.

GERTRUDE
Thank you, Rita.

RUBY
As well as condolences.

GERTRUDE
Condolences?

RUBY
On the death of your husband.

GERTRUDE
Claudius is not dead. In fact he alive. Very much alive.

RUBY
I meant your previous husband. King Hamlet.

GERTRUDE
Yes, of course. King Hamlet. He is dead... and buried.

RUBY
Although, still active from I hear.

GERTRUDE
I beg your pardon.

RUBY
Everything satisfactory with the new king?
 26.

GERTRUDE
Everything is satisfactory... Very satisfactory, Rhonda.
Things couldn't be more satisfactory. As a matter of fact I
can't remember when I have been so satisfied and on such a
regular basis.

RUBY
Well, you go highness.

GERTRUDE
Are you married, Rhoda?

RUBY
I was once.

GERTRUDE
Was he a loving man?

RUBY
That's what every woman I ever caught him with said.

GERTRUDE
My first husband was not a loving man.

RUBY
I'm sorry to hear that, highness.

GERTRUDE
In fact he was a cold man. A very cold man.

RUBY
Couldn't be much colder than he is right now.

GERTRUDE
Perhaps there are women who prefer a man who pays them no
attention… Leaves them completely alone… A man who never…
how should put it...? A man who never…

RUBY
Shows them the respect and tenderness they deserve?

GERTRUDE
Tenderness, schmenderness
(her voices drops
three octaves)
I’m talking about a man who never slips them the high, hard
one. Sweeps out the chimney… Threads the ole needle. Lays
a little pipe. Who, now and then, treats them to some of the
old "poppa ooooo mow mow."

RUBY
Of course, majesty. What could I be thinking?
 27.

GERTRUDE
And then along came Claudius. Slow walkin' Claudius. Slow
talkin' Claudius. The man is so different from his brother.

RUBY
For one thing, he's alive.

GERTRUDE
Yes, he does have that going for him. But, Claudius is warm.

RUBY
Warm is a good thing in a man.

GERTRUDE
He's considerate.

RUBY
A rare trait these days.

GERTRUDE
And loving. Very , very, very, very loving and sometimes for
hours on end.

RUBY
There's certainly a new glow in the royal cheeks.

GERTRUDE
All I want to do is...

RUBY
Enjoy his company? Rest in his arms? Bask in his adulation?

GERTRUDE
(her voicing dropping
three octaves again)
Do the horizontal mambo… Excavate the tunnel of love.
Clean the carpet… Parallel park… Ride the pony… Slurp the…

RUBY
I get the picture your royal humpingness.

GERTRUDE
My son doesn't understand that.

RUBY
He's young. Give him time.

GERTRUDE
Maybe if he had someone in his life, he'd understand my need
to… How should I say it?
 28.

RUBY
I think that lawn’s already been mowed, your horniness. It
looks like that's it.

(Holds up mirror for Gertrude)

GERTRUDE
Are you coming to the play tonight?

RUBY
What play is that your majesty?

GERTRUDE
Hamlet has commissioned a play to be performed in the castle
tonight. You must come.

RUBY
Thank you. But plays really aren't my thing. I like
something with a little action. Something I can get down
with. Something "funky."

GERTRUDE
One does not turn down an invitation from her queen because
the subject doesn’t rise, or sink, to the required level of
“funkiness" I'll leave you two tickets with "will call."

RUBY
Will call?

GERTRUDE
William Call. He's my secretary.

(Gertrude exits)

RUBY
Okay, send in the next victim.

(CLAUDIUS, The King, enters)

CLAUDIUS
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

RUBY
King, King, King.

CLAUDIUS
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

RUBY
King, King, King.

CLAUDIUS
You're a sight for sore eyes, Ruby.
 29.

RUBY
You're looking very regal, yourself.

CLAUDIUS
I'm feeling very regal.

RUBY
I haven't seen you since your coronation.

CLAUDIUS
Has it been that long?

RUBY
At least. Is it true what they say, highness?

CLAUDIUS
What's that Ruby?

RUBY
That it's good to be the king.

CLAUDIUS
It doesn’t suck. I can tell you that. The power… The
wealth… The respect. But, mostly the power. God, I love
the power… People stand when you walk into a room. They
don’t sit until you sit. They do what you tell them to do.
They laugh at all your jokes. Ruby, right now, back in the
castle, there are actually people lining up just to kiss
my...

RUBY
Yes?

CLAUDIUS
Ring.

RUBY
Ring. Of course. Your ring.

CLAUDIUS
And the women. Ruby, I can’t turn around without some
beautiful woman offering me, well, what beautiful women have
to offer. But, of course, I am faithful to the Queen.

RUBY
Of course.

CLAUDIUS
Completely faithful.

RUBY
Completely.
 30.

CLAUDIUS
Totally faithful.

RUBY
Totally.

CLAUDIUS
Completely and to...

RUBY
What's her name?

CLAUDIUS
Annabella. She’s a lady in waiting.

RUBY
Obviously she ain't waitin' no more.

CLAUDIUS
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

RUBY
King, King, King.

CLAUDIUS
I may be the King, Ruby...

RUBY
Here it comes.

CLAUDIUS
But, I am still a man.

RUBY
If you weren't you wouldn't be the king.

CLAUDIUS
Exactly.

RUBY
You'd be the Queen.

CLAUDIUS
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby.

RUBY
King, King, King.

CLAUDIUS
You won't say anything about the... uh...
(Ruby mimes zipping
her lips.)
I knew I could count on you.
 31.

RUBY
Your usual trim, majesty?

CLAUDIUS
Please.
(He sits. Ruby drapes
a smock over him)
My stepson is putting on some cockamamie play tonight and
his mother insists that I go.

RUBY
Then I'll see you there.

CLAUDIUS
You're going?

RUBY
Let’s say the Queen extended an invitation I couldn’t
refuse.

CLAUDIUS
Then there’s no getting out of it for either of us. Do you
have any children Ruby?

RUBY
None that I know of.

CLAUDIUS
What?

RUBY
It was a joke.

CLAUDIUS
Of course. A joke. No one tells me jokes anymore.

RUBY
That's too bad.

CLAUDIUS
They're afraid to be funnier than the king.

RUBY
Heavy lies the head that wears the crown.

CLAUDIUS
Very perceptive. Who said that?

RUBY
I just did.

CLAUDIUS
Mind if I use that sometime?
 32.

RUBY
Knock yourself out.

CLAUDIUS
My stepson hates me Ruby.

RUBY
He's just a little confused.

CLAUDIUS
He hates me for marrying his mother.

RUBY
It's not easy for a child when one parent dies and the other
remarries... the next day.

CLAUDIUS
Perhaps we were a bit hasty. But, it's a cruel world out
there for a woman without a man to protect me.

RUBY
I suppose. Only thing I know is the last man who said he'd
protect me, protected me out of everything I had.

CLAUDIUS
I couldn't leave my brother's widow alone.

RUBY
So I hear.

CLAUDIUS
And now her son wants to see me dead.

RUBY
Really? Hamlet? Dead?

CLAUDIUS
Those are the rumors. Have you heard anything, Ruby? People
tell you things.

RUBY
Me? No. Haven't heard a thing. Not a thing.

CLAUDIUS
If you do hear, send me a note, will you? You'd have the
undying gratitude of a grateful king.

RUBY
If I hear any thing.
 33.

CLAUDIUS
Thank you Ruby.
(Gets up to leave)
Oh, and bring toothpicks

RUBY
Toothpicks.

CLAUDIUS
For Hamlet's play. To prop your eyes open. It's gonna be a
real snooze.

(Claudius exits. HAMLET

enters)

RUBY
Well, look what the cat dragged in.

(Hamlet drops into the chair

and slumps down)

RUBY
Sit up straight.

HAMLET
Sit up straight? Why straight? Why not crooked? Why not
slumped forward? Or with one leg thrown over the arm. Or,
perhaps...

RUBY
(throws a smock over
him)
Knock it off. You can't go to your play looking like a bum.
You need something that says now. Something young... Hip.
With it. If I were you I'd go with bangs.

HAMLET
Bangs?

RUBY
They're all the rage in England. I hear Prince Valiant is
beating them off with a stick.

HAMLET
To have bangs or not to have bangs, that is...

RUBY
Keep that up and I'll shave you bald. Now, tell me about
this play of yours.

HAMLET
Actually it's a ploy.
 34.

RUBY
A ploy?

HAMLET
To catch the conscience of the king.

RUBY
The ploy?

HAMLET
No, the play.

RUBY
But the ploy's the thing to catch the conscience of the
king.

HAMLET
No, that's the play.

RUBY
What's the play?

HAMLET
The Mousetrap.

RUBY
The Mousetrap?

HAMLET
Yes.

RUBY
What's a mouse trap have to do with this?

HAMLET
It's the play.

RUBY
The Mousetrap is the play.

HAMLET
Yes.

RUBY
Then what's the ploy?

HAMLET
The play.

RUBY
The ploy is the play.
 35.

HAMLET
And the play is The Mousetrap.

RUBY
So what you're saying is... the play is a ploy and the ploy
is a play and the play is the Mousetrap.

HAMLET
And the play within the play.

RUBY
Excuse me.

HAMLET
The Mousetrap.

RUBY
What about the mousetrap?

HAMLET
It's the play within the play.

RUBY
The Mousetrap is the play within the play.

HAMLET
That's what makes it a ploy.

RUBY
Let me see if I have this. The play is a ploy and the ploy
is a play and the play is the play within the play which
makes it the ploy.

HAMLET
But you mustn't repeat that to anyone.

RUBY
I don't think I could if I wanted to. Does your girlfriend
know about this ploy?

HAMLET
Girlfriend? I don't have a girlfriend.

RUBY
What about Ophelia?

HAMLET
Did she tell you she's my girlfriend?

RUBY
She thinks you're gonna pop the question.
 36.

HAMLET
What question?

RUBY
Well, it ain't to be or not to be?

HAMLET
She thinks I want to get married? I've got enough on my
plate. My father's dead. My uncle is the king. And my mother
is...

RUBY
Let's not go there. A bit of advice. Let the child down
easily. She's young and impressionable and highly strung.

HAMLET
Tell me about it. I've played lutes that weren't strung as
tight.

RUBY
Just be careful

HAMLET
It's not easy being me, Ruby.

RUBY
Right. Prince of the realm. A killer job. Who'd ever want
it?

HAMLET
Speaking of killer jobs, I may have to kill my uncle.

RUBY
"May" have to kill your uncle?

HAMLET
Nothing settled yet. I haven't decided.

RUBY
Of course you haven't, you're Hamlet.

HAMLET
I'm still weighing all my choices. I have to be sure he
really murdered my father.

RUBY
You don't want to go off half-cocked.

HAMLET
Although I have it from a very reliable source.

RUBY
And who would that be?
 37.

HAMLET
My father's ghost.

RUBY
Your father's ghost. You sure it wasn't just some of youR
college buddies punkin' you?

HAMLET
I definitely talked to him. Actually, I didn't talk to him.
He did all the talking.

RUBY
Sounds like the old king.

HAMLET
You won't mention this to anyone, will you?

RUBY
You can very sure of that.

HAMLET
I can depend on you?

RUBY
If I'm lyin', I'm dyin.

HAMLET
(exiting)
Ah, Ruby, I often wonder whether 'tis nobler to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or rise up against
a sea of bubbles...

(Hamlet exits. The GHOST

enters)

GHOST
Looks like I'm next.

RUBY
King Hamlet.

GHOST
You don't seem surprised to see me, Ruby.

RUBY
Around here, nothing surprises me.

GHOST
The sight of a dead man walking would put most people off.

RUBY
Well, I ain't most people.
 38.

GHOST
No, you're not Ruby. You're the last honest person in
Denmark.

RUBY
Which ain't sayin' much.

GHOST
(drops in Ruby's
chair)
What am I going to do, Ruby?

RUBY
We could trim up the front a little. Layer the back. Cover
the bald spot.

GHOST
I'm talking about my family. My brother murdered me. My wife
took him into her bed, before my body was even cold. My son
won't avenge me.

RUBY
Just another day in the life of the Danish royal family.

GHOST
You think Gertrude and Claudius had something going before
he poured the poison in my ear?

RUBY
I wouldn't know your majesty.

GHOST
And you wouldn't tell me if you did.

RUBY
What happens at Ruby's...

GHOST
Stays at Ruby's. I could have used ministers like you, Ruby.
People who knew how to keep their mouth shut. Unlike my son.

RUBY
Hamlet is young, majesty.

GHOST
He's thirty two years old. When I was his age I'd conquered
half of Scandinavia, imprisoned two thousand enemy soldiers,
killed God knows how many more and impregnated five hundred
of their women.

RUBY
You were a doer, majesty.
 39.

GHOST
If my father's brother had killed my father, I would have
roasted the bastard over hot charcoals. I'd've fed his
innards to the pigs. I'd've had his head on a...
(quick change of
subject)
Can you really cover the bald spot?

RUBY
No problem.

GHOST
So how are things with you, Ruby?

RUBY
Can't complain and thank you for asking.

GHOST
Still seeing that rope maker?

RUBY
You remembered. No, we broke up. He wouldn't tie the knot.

GHOST
That's the trouble with young people today. No sense of
commitment. Take my son for example. "To be or not to be?" I
don't get it. Just stab the sonafabitch. Did I ever tell you
about the time I killed three men with just one thrust of my
sword.

RUBY
Three? With one sword? Really?

GHOST
I think it was three... Or was it four? Death is hell on the
memory, Ruby. Anyway, there they were... all lined up in a
nice, neat row.

(Having heard the story a

dozen times before, Ruby
mouths the words as the Ghost
continues talking.

Ruby finishes up and removes

the smock. The two of them
exit with the Ghost still
talking and Ruby nodding and
nodding and nodding)

Romeo enters and begins pacing

anxiously, glancing up over
the audience to Juliet's
balcony.
 40.

The Narrator enters)

NARRATOR
Verona, Italy.
(points up over the
head of the audience)
Just above you is Juliet's balcony. And, this love struck
young man is none other than her Romeo, who is about to
encounter..

(A man dressed in black races

in, crashes into Romeo and
sends them both flying)

...someone he, nor, I might add, you, could have

anticipated.

(Narrator exits)

CASANOVA
My apologies, my young lord.

(Helps Romeo to his feet)

ROMEO
And who might you be?

CASANOVA
No one of consequence.

ROMEO
Then what is it you seek in the place?

CASANOVA
Exit, my good man. Exit. If thou woulds't be so kind as to
point me to the nearest gate.

ROMEO
My direction will do thee no good.

CASANOVA
If it is good direction it will do me a great deal of good.

ROMEO
Only if thou art a phantom.

CASANOVA
How so, my young friend?

ROMEO
All gates are locked at the stroke of twelve.
 41.

CASANOVA
Mmmmmm. That is troublesome. Perhaps thou woulds't be so
kind as to provide me with a leg up and I will disappear
into the night as though I were a phantom.

ROMEO
Leave this very place, I cannot.

CASANOVA
Art thou a prisoner?

ROMEO
Only of my lady's smile.

CASANOVA
Ah, a damsel.

ROMEO
The fairest eyes have ever gazed upon.

CASANOVA
So here you stand in darkness, lit only by a pale moon,
waiting for a sign, a signal perhaps, that the husband of
the lady in question is otherwise occupied.

ROMEO
Oh no. Tis not so.

CASANOVA
I am truly sorry to hear such.

ROMEO
I would never dally with another man's wife.

CASANOVA
Another man's wife is the only wife with which one should
dally.

ROMEO
And dishonor the holy bands of matrimony?

CASANOVA
Never. No man honors the bonds of matrimony more than I.

ROMEO
I am please to hear such.

CASANOVA
Without marriage there would be no married women. And a
world without married women would be a sad and empty place.

ROMEO
Indeed.
 42.

CASANOVA
A marriage is like a beautiful garden, would thou agree?

ROMEO
I would, I would.

CASANOVA
And a garden must be constantly tended, would thou also
agree?

ROMEO
I would.

CASANOVA
But left to neglect, a garden will wither and die.

ROMEO
True.

CASANOVA
And in this age, most husbands, tis sad to behold, pay
little attention to the tending of their marriage garden.

ROMEO
Tis sad, indeed.

CASANOVA
If the garden is to blossom into full ripeness, tis the
wife, then, who must see to its tender care.

ROMEO
Spoken well.

CASANOVA
So it is only in the service of restoring the bloom to that
rose that is the married woman that I enter her garden to
plow her neglected furrow.

ROMEO
I know thee, don't I? I have seen thee before.

CASANOVA
I am not of this city.

ROMEO
Mercutio did point thee out when once we visited Venice.
Thou art Casanova.

CASANOVA
At your service.
 43.

ROMEO
Mercutio said there is not a woman in all of Christendom
that trusts thee.

CASANOVA
Indeed.

ROMEO
And this thou freely admits?

CASANOVA
Why else else would so many extend me invitation to attend
them in their boudoir?

ROMEO
Is that what you are doing here this night? Attending
another man's wife in her boudoir?

CASANOVA
No longer, I am sad to report.

ROMEO
Scorned by a woman much offended?

CASANOVA
Chased by a husband much surprised.

ROMEO
Thou dishonor a woman and expect me to aid thy retreat?

CASANOVA
Dishonor? By showing my appreciation of what her husband so
foolishly ignores? Why, I pay her the highest honor.

ROMEO
Thou art quick of tongue.

CASANOVA
Exactly what the lady was saying before were so rudely
interrupted.

ROMEO
Thou are base and carnal.

CASANOVA
Before passing judgment my young lord, hear me out.

ROMEO
Do I have a choice?

CASANOVA
Thou could aid my escape and render me speechless.
 44.

ROMEO
And miss a glance of my love's fair visage.

CASANOVA
I will speak quickly. While a woman young and virginal sets
marriage as the price for the gift of her virtue, a married
woman has no virtue to make gift of and no need of marriage.
Thereby, making pleasure it's own reward. A woman with
husband has so much to offer and asks so little in return.

(A light shines down from

Juliet's window.)

ROMEO
But soft what light through yonder window breaks.

CASANOVA
Excuse me?

ROMEO
Tis the east and Juliet is the sun.

(Casanova looks up)

CASANOVA
Thou speak the truth. Your maiden is fair, indeed. If she
was but married, I would gladly be your rival.

ROMEO
I must speak to her.

CASANOVA
Thou must not speak.

ROMEO
How will she know my feelings?

CASANOVA
To find success with maidens fair, you must never reveal thy
true feelings.

ROMEO
But she must know I love her.

CASANOVA
She must only know that she loves thee. When engaging the
fairer sex, young lord, take thy satisfaction in harvesting
the fruit. Tis not necessary to own the orchard.

ROMEO
She speaks yet she says nothing.
 45.

CASANOVA
It is what women do. It falls under the heading “If you
truly loved me, you could read my mind."

ROMEO
Look!!!

CASANOVA
(frightened)
What??? Where???

ROMEO
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some
business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres
till they return.

CASANOVA
Be careful how thou call out my young lord. I very nearly
soiled my tights.

ROMEO
What if her eyes were there, they in her head? The
brightness of her cheek would shame those stars, as daylight
doth a lamp. Her eyes in heaven would through the airy
region stream so bright that birds would sing and think it
were not night.

CASANOVA
Fortunately for us, it is night. What's say we hie before
the sun does rise?

ROMEO
Oh, see, how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

CASANOVA
Great cheek leaning. Never seen better. Let's hie.

ROMEO
(to the unseen
Juliet)
Thou hast a smile so bright, thou coulds't have been a
candle. I would hold thee so tight, thou coulds't have been
a handle.

(During the above speech,

Romeo’s gestures underscore
the words in much the same
manner as a Motown group’s
choreography)

ROMEO
Be strong, young lord. You must resist the..."the
temptations."
 46.

ROMEO
She speaks.

CASANOVA
It's nothing to be concerned about. They do that from time
to time.

JULIET (O.S.)
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?

CASANOVA
Who is this Romeo of whom she speaks?

ROMEO
I am Romeo.

CASANOVA
Nice to meet you, young Romeo.

JULIET (O.S.)
Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if thou wilt not,
be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

CASANOVA
What did she just say?

ROMEO
Deny thy father...

CASANOVA
No, the last part.

ROMEO
And I will no longer be a Capulet.

CASANOVA
She is a Capulet?

ROMEO
She is Juliet, daughter of Lord and Lady Capulet.

CASANOVA
Oh boy.

ROMEO
Thou knowest the Capulets?

CASANOVA
Let's say, I am familiar.

ROMEO
With my true love's father.
 47.

CASANOVA
Your true love's father is not exactly the Capulet with whom
I have become familiar.

ROMEO
You and...?
(Casanova nods)
I do not believe it. Thou and Lady Capulet?

CASANOVA
Thou thinkest a woman the likes of Lady Capulet banks the
fires of her passion upon the saying of her wedding vows.

ROMEO
She is the mother of...

CASANOVA
She is a woman, young Romeo.

ROMEO
(disillusioned)
Thou and Lady Capulet.

CASANOVA
Now, do you understand the urgency of my exit before these
walls make prisoners of us both?

JULIET (O.S)
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though
not a Montague. What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man.

CASANOVA
Of what does she speak?

ROMEO
Our families hate each other.

JULIET (O.S.)
O, be some other name!

CASANOVA
From what I know of the Capulets, that is very good advice.

JULIET (O.S.)
What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other
name would smell as sweet.

CASANOVA
Be careful, my friend. Roses get pruned and on a regular
basis.
 48.

JULIET (O.S.)
How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

(Casanova clamps his hand over

Romeo's mouth)

CASANOVA
Just stumbled in by mistake. I will be gone in a nonce. A
nonce and a half.

JULIET (O.S.)
The orchard walls are high and hard to climb, And the place
death, considering who thou art. If any of my kinsmen do see
thee, they will murder thee.

CASANOVA
Are you listening? Did you hear that? Murder thee and, more
than likely... me.

ROMEO
(to Juliet)
Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of
their swords.

CASANOVA
(frustrated)
It only takes one.

ROMEO
I have night's cloak to hide from their sight.

CASANOVA
(more frustrated)
They have torches.

ROMEO
I am no pilot, yet, wert thou as far as that vast shore
wash'd with the farthest sea, I would adventure for such
merchandise.

CASANOVA
I'll give you that. The merchandise is first rate. If I were
twenty years younger... Make that ten years younger... But,
alas, I am not getting any younger and it is my firm desire
to get a great deal older.

JULIET (O.S.)
O, Romeo, dos't thou love me?

CASANOVA
Tis a sucker's question. Be careful.
 49.

JULIET (O.S.)
I know thou wilt say 'Ay,' And I will take thy word.

CASANOVA
Perfect. She thinks you love her but you haven't actually
said it. It keeps the door open and, if push comes to shove,
it provides thee with complete deniability.

JULIET (O.S.)
O gentle Romeo, If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

CASANOVA
Pronounce and you will be entering territory from which no
man hath yet returned.

JULIET (O.S.)
Good night, good night! as sweet repose and rest come to thy
heart as that within my breast!

CASANOVA
And on the breast reference we are out of here.

JULIET (O.S.)
Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.

CASANOVA
Three words? The day I encounter a female who limits herself
to three words is the day I take the vows.

JULIET (O.C.)
If that thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose
marriage, send me word tomorrow.

CASANOVA
Marriage? What have I been telling you all along? No hey
nonny nonny until the ring is on the finger

JULIET (O.C.)
Tis almost morning.

CASANOVA
The little lady is right. We must hurry from this place
while we still have arms and legs to hurry with.

JULIET (O.S.)
Good night. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

ROMEO
Did you hear that? She sorrows over out parting.

CASANOVA
That's good. Always leaving them wanting more.
 50.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
This way!

CASANOVA
The Capulets. Let us make haste.

ROMEO
Hast thou every been in love, Casanova? Hast thou?

CASANOVA
(under pressure)
Once. Happy? Now can we hurry?

ROMEO
If thou coulds't love once, though could love again.

CASANOVA
Maybe. Who knows? Could happen. Now, let's get the hell out
of here.

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Over there!

ROMEO
Fear not the Capulets, my friend. We will soar high above
their puny flighted darts on the wings of love.

(Romeo runs off)

CASANOVA
Puny darts. Wings of love. Where does he come up with this
stuff? I'm getting too old for this. Perhaps a less life
threatening change would be the wisest course of action.

MALE VOICE
This way!

CASANOVA
But, in the meantime....

(He follows Romeo out)

WOMAN'S VOICE
Oh, Casanova.

(Casanova carefully returns)

WOMAN'S VOICE
Oh, Casanova.

(Casanova looks back over his

shoulder, then at the audience
and shrugs.)
 51.

CASANOVA
What the hell?

(He hurries in the direction

of the Woman's Voice passing
the Narrator as he enters)

CASANOVA
(to Narrator)
You only live once. Right?

(Casanova exits. The Narrator

watches him go then turns to
the audience)

NARRATOR
Murder. Who doesn't love a good murder? It was certainly one
of Shakespeare's favorite subjects. And, who better to solve
the murder of a king, than a tough talking private eye?

(Sound of a bluesy film noir

saxophone. JUSTIN THYME enters
dressed in a trench coat and
fedora)

THYME
(to audience)
It was raining that Monday I got back to the office. I was
feeling a little low. But, then again, rainy days and
Mondays always get me down.

(He takes off his fedora and

hangs it on a beat up coat
rack. Then removes his trench
coat and hangs it up. During
these actions....)

NARRATOR
Meet Justin Thyme, hard boiled with a side of irony. Mr.
Thyme is an operative of the F.B.I. That's the Fictional
Bureau Of Investigation. Thyme handles the toughest,
dirtiest cases in English literature. That's right, he's a
fictional detective.

(The Narrator exits and the

saxophone fades.)

THYME
(to audience)
I'd hardly got my coat off when Effie, my overdeveloped
secretary with the underdeveloped typing skills, pulsated
into my office.
 52.

(EFFIE, Thyme's sexy

secretary, pulsates in to the
sound of drumbeats)

THYME
(to audience)
She told me I had a visitor.

EFFIE
You got a visitor.

THYME
What does he want?
(to audience)
I asked.

EFFIE
I don't know.

THYME
(to audience)
She replied.

EFFIE
I didn't ask him.

THYME
(to audience)
She explained.
(to Effie)
Okay, sweet knees, show him in.

(Effie faces the door and

shouts)

EFFIE
Come on in!!!

(A Scotsman in a kilt enters.

This is MALCOM)

THYME
Thanks, Sugar hips.

EFFIE
Sure. Anytime. If you want me, just whistle. You know how to
whistle, don't ya, boss? You just put your lips together
and…

THYME
And what?
 53.

EFFIE
Do I have to think of everything?

(She pulsates out to the sound

of drumbeats)

THYME
(to audience)
My visitor told me his name was Malcom.

MALCOM
Me name is Malcom.

THYME
(to audience)
I told him to have a seat.
(to Malcom)
Have a seat.
(to audience)
He sat down, modestly crossed his legs at the ankles,
straightened his hem and told me he needed my help.

MALCOM
I need your help.

THYME
(to audience)
I asked what I could to for him.
(to Malcom)
What can I do for you?

MALCOM
I want you catch a murderer.

THYME
Murder, huh? Who got whacked?

MALCOM
Me father.

THYME
What makes you think your old man's been croaked?

MALCOM
The seven stab wounds in his back.

THYME
(to audience)
I immediately ruled out suicide. Malcom said that back home
in Scotland his father was a big deal.

MALCOM
Back home in Scotland, my father was a big deal.
 54.

THYME
How big?

MALCOM
The biggest. He was king.

THYME
That's big. Any suspects as to who did the zotzing?

MALCOM
I don't suspect. I know. The man who killed my father is
named...
(with great import)
...MacBeth.

THYME
Did you say MacBeth?

MALCOM
Aye. That's what I said... Macbeth

THYME
That's what I thought you said.

MALCOM
Then why did ya make me repeat it?

THYME
Dramatic emphasis.
(to audience)
Malcom had told me a story I'd heard a thousand times
before. A king gets whacked. The son takes the rap and the
killer takes everything else. Of course, another story I'd
heard a thousand times was the son ices the old man, splits
for parts unknown and hangs the frame on some body else.
Either way it was my job to get the bottom of it. The King
of Scotland had his ticket punched and it was up to me to
find out who his travel agent was. Malcom and I agreed to
split up.
(to Malcom)
I'll take the high road.

MALCOM
I'll take the low road.

(Malcom exits)

THYME
(to audience)
I knew I'd get to Scotland before him.
 55.

(Sound of rain, wind and

thunder. Thyme turns his
collar uP)

THYME
(to audience)
Wet, cold and miserable, I stumbled into The Inn Of The
Three Witches.

(We are back in the Inn Of The

Three Witches)

THYME
(to audience)
Ramshackle, tumble down, off the beaten path in a secluded
part of a remote forest, miles from nowhere, the joint
wasn't exactly a Starbucks. But then again, there wasn't one
on every corner, either. I was shaking off the rain as best
as I could when a snaggled tooth crone with rotting flesh
dropped into the chair next to me.

(Hecate enters and sits down

next to Thyme)

HECATE
Well, hello there cold, wet and miserable. What'll it be?

THYME
Whaddya got?

HECATE
A nice fenny snake.

THYME
How do you cook that?

HECATE
In the cauldron boil and bake.

THYME
What else ya got?

HECATE
There's eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of
dog, Adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, and, the house
special, lizard's leg. We serve that with a mixed green
salad, of course.

THYME
Of course.
 56.

HECATE
And for the more developed palate there's Nose of Turk and
Tartar's lips.

THYME
(to audience)
For some reason, my appetite had taken a powder.
(to Hecate)
I'll just settle for directions.

HECATE
Suit yourself. But you're passin' up a real mouth waterin'
treat, y'are.

THYME
I'm looking for Dunsinane Castle.

HECATE
Goin' to see the MacBeths, are ya?

THYME
Just the directions, toots.

HECATE
He was here 'imself, MacBeth was. Sat right where you're
sittin'. Old high and almighty. Course, we knew he was
comin' so we put on our best rags, we did. Gave 'im a real
show. 'Ad the fire burnin' and the cauldron bubblin'. We
was a sight alright. Prophsyin'… Tellin 'im 'ow he was
gonna be the big cheese and all. 'E loved it, 'e did. You
shoulda seen him. Rode outta here all puffed up like a
Christmas goose, 'e was.

THYME
About those directions.

HECATE
Sure you don't want to hang around till closin' time? I get
off at midnight, if you know what I mean.

(Thyme exits the Inn)

THYME
(to audience)
I knew exactly what she meant. That's why I was out the door
faster than you can say "acid reflux."

(Sounds of thunder and howling

wind)

THYME
Cold, wet and miserable I stumbled out of the darkness and
into Dunsinane Castle.
 57.

CASTLE GUARD (O.S.)

Who goes there?

THYME
Justin Thyme, Fictional Detective.I'm here to see the king.

CASTLE GUARD (O.S.)

You may enter.

(Thyme exits. Over the

following dialogue we here the
sound of footsteps, doors
opening, doors closing, more
footstep, more doors and even
more footsteps)

THYME (O.S.)
I entered a small ante room, just off a hallway, next to a
dining room, behind a closet, through an armory, around a
tower, up a staircase, down a corridor that opened on to a
sitting room that overlooked a garden that led into the
throne room.

(Thyme enters, winded from his

walk. He stops to catch his
breath)

THYME
(to himself)
I gotta join a gym.

(Lady MacBeth enters)

LADY MACBETH
Hello, Thyme.

THYME
(to audience)
She was there... Waiting for me.

LADY MACBETH
I was wondering when you'd show up.

THYME
(surprised)
Nola? Nola MacDougal? Could it really be?

LADY MACBETH
It's been a while since someone called me that.
 58.

THYME
(to audience)
Back when I knew her, everyone called her Nola. She was a
showgirl. With orange feathers in her hair and a dress cut
down there. She would salsa and do the cha-cha. That was at
the Copa. The Copa de Ora. Back then it was the hottest spot
north of Sonora. In those days Nola was beautiful, smart,
ambitious, dangerous, scheming, conniving, irresistible,
calculating, cunning, deceitful and selfish.In short she was
everything I ever wanted in a woman.
(to Nora)
You haven't changed a bit, apple hips.

LADY MACBETH
You always did know how to say the right thing, didn't ya
Thyme?

THYME
What can I say? I'm good. But, you already knew that.

LADY MACBETH
Still mad at me?

THYME
Why? Because you left town without saying a word?

LADY MACBETH
Maybe.

THYME
Because you slipped out of my life one night and
disappeared without so much as leavin' me a post
-it note.

LADY MACBETH
Perhaps.

THYME
Because you ripped out my heart and stomped on it with those
three inch sling back, open toed, stiletto heels you always
wore with black seamed stockings and a red dress that showed
off more curves than the Yankees bullpen?

LADY MACBETH
I'm glad to see you're a man who doesn't hold a grudge.

THYME
Just one question.

LADY MACBETH
Sure.
 59.

THYME
Why? Give me one good reason.

LADY MACBETH
He could offer me wealth. He could offer me power. He could
offer me…

THYME
I said just one.

LADY MACBETH
What did you have to offer Thyme? A fictional detective's
pay? A high deductible health plan with no dental. An under
funded retirement plan? Admit it, Thyme. I had no future
with you. I was just someone to feed your insatiable
passion. Bank the fires of your raging lust. Satisfy...

THYME
(to audience)
She was killing me softly with her words. I had to shut her
up and I knew just how to do it.

(Thyme grabs her up in his

arms and kisses her.

(BLACKOUT)

(When the lights come back up,

Lady MacBeth is wearing
Thyme's fedora and smoking a
cigarette)

LADY MACBETH
I can't remember the last time two minutes flew by so
quickly.

THYME
(proud of himself)
What can I say? I'm good. But you knew that.

LADY MACBETH
So tell me Thyme, what are you doing in Scotland? And don't
tell me you came all this way just for a little "highland
fling".

THYME
I'm investigating a death.

LADY MACBETH
Who died?

THYME
The king.
 60.

LADY MACBETH
The king? Don't be ridiculous. The king is in perfect
health.

THYME
How come you know so much about the King of Scotland?

LADY MACBETH
Well, for one thing, my name's not Nola MacDougal anymore.
It's MacBeth… Lady MacBeth.

THYME
Then, that means the king is..

LADY MACBETH
My husband.

THYME
(to audience)
Husband. That word had a way of focusing a man's attention.

LADY MACBETH
I thought you knew.

THYME
(to audience)
I hadn't even started with my investigation and the case had
already gotten complicated. According to the code of the
fictional detective you don't fool around with the wife of
your prime suspect. Of course, I didn't know she was the
wife of my prime suspect at the time I took her to
ecstacyville. So, technicality wise, I was off the hook.
Somehow, I couldn't imagine Nola mixed up in murder.
Extortion, blackmail, bookmaking, mail fraud, loan sharking…
sure. But murder? Like I said, it was getting complicated.

LADY MACBETH
(impatiently)
Are you done?

THYME
For now.

LADY MACBETH
Your wasting your time, Thyme. We found the men who killed
King Duncan. Their hands were drenched in blood.

THYME
I'd like to talk them. These killers of yours.

LADY MACBETH
I'm afraid that's not possible.
 61.

THYME
Why not?

LADY MACBETH
You know those gargoyles hanging on the front gate when you
came in?

THYME
What about 'em?

LADY MACBETH
Those aren't gargoyles.

THYME
Why the rush to judgement, blueberry cheeks?

LADY MACBETH
To assure the peasants that justice had been served. That
society was back in balance once again. That they could
return to their miserable lives and that we could return to
making them miserable.

THYME
Not that I don't believe every word you're telling me
persimmon knees...
(to audience)
Yeah… Right… Nola MacDougal couldn't draw a straight line
with a ruler.
(to Lady MacBeth)
But, I'll just hang around and ask a few questions, just for
appearances sake. You understand, don't you, cumquat nose?

LADY MACBETH
Sure, Thyme. I understand.

THYME
Just for the record, where were you when the old king got
whacked.

LADY MACBETH
In my room. And I've got seven witnesses to prove it.

THYME
Only seven?

LADY MACBETH
It was a slow night.

THYME
Do me a favor. When you see your husband, don't say anything
about what went down here.
 62.

LADY MACBETH
No problem. I've forgotten it already.

(She returns Thyme's fedora

and exits)

THYME
(to audience)
Before I could figure out whodunit, I had to figure out
whocouldadone it. Normally, I like to start out by looking
around. See what I can see and what I can't see. Sometimes
what you can't see is more important than what you can see.
The only problem is, you can't see it.

(MacDuff enters and walks past

Thyme)

THYME
Excuse me. Mind if I ask you a lot of questions?

MACDUFF
Depends on who's doin' the askin'?

THYME
The name's Thyme.

MACDUFF
Oh sure, the fictional detective.

THYME
Word travels fast.

MACDUFF
Lady MacBeth said you'd be nosing around.

THYME
What else did she say?

MACDUFF
That you were a complete stranger. That she'd never seen you
before and I shouldn't listen to ugly rumors.

THYME
For the record, what's you name?

MACDUFF
MacDuff.

THYME
You work for MacBeth, MacDuff?

MACDUFF
I work for MacBeth. You might say I'm his right hand man.
 63.

THYME
Why would I say that?

MACDUFF
Because I'm his right hand man.

THYME
You wouldn't happen to know where MacBeth was when the old
king got dead.

MACDUFF
Are you saying MacBeth had something to do with the king's
death?

THYME
I'll ask the questions.

MACDUFF
You're barking up the wrong tree. MacBeth had no reason to
kill Duncan.

THYME
He got to be king, didn't he?

MACDUFF
MacBeth never wanted to be king. He was perfectly happy
being Thane of Cawdor. Stealing from the peasants,
suppressing the serfs. Having sex with the scullery maids.
Then the witches told him he would be thane of Glammis and
everything changed.

THYME
Thane of Glammis?

MACDUFF
It's the castle on the Frammis.

THYME
MacBeth is Thane of Glammis on the Frammis?

MACDUFF
No. MacBeth is Thane of Cawdor.

THYME
If MacBeth is Thane of Cawdor, who is Thane of Glammis on
the Frammis?

MACDUFF
Tammis.

THYME
Tammis?
 64.

MACDUFF
Tammis of Glammis on the Frammis.

THYME
How about the first lady. Do you know where she was when the
old king turned up face down?

MACDUFF
Lady MacBeth had nothin' to do with the old guy's death.
Nothin'. You do anything to upset the lady and you'll have
me to answer to. You got that Thyme?

THYME
You like Lady MacBeth, don't you?

MACDUFF
Yeah… Sure… What's not to like? She's kind, gentle, sweet
and loving. You don't know her like I do Thyme.
(suspiciously)
You don't know her like I do, do ya Thyme?

THYME
Apparently not. One last question? You'd do anything for
Lady MacBeth, wouldn't you?

MACDUFF
You bet your bodkin I would.

THYME
Like kill for her?

MACDUFF
Only if she asked me... Hey, what are you getting at?

THYME
Nothing. Just one more question.

MACDUFF
I thought you said the last question was your last question.

THYME
Why, you keepin' score? Where were you when Duncan got
whacked?

MACDUFF
In my room… And I got seven witnesses to prove it. We done
here?

THYME
Yea, sure.
(MacDuff starts to
exit)
One more thing.
 65.

MACDUFF
Again?

THYME
How did MacBeth react to the old king's kickin' the bucket?

MACDUFF
MacBeth was really broken up by it. He loved Duncan like a
father. He hasn't been the same fun lovin', peasant taxing,
wife stealing guy he used to be.

THYME
What's different?

MACDUFF
Spends most every day and night wandering the halls, talking
to himself.

MACBETH (O.S.)
(reciting in
Shakespearean tones)
I'm always chasing rainbows.

MACDUFF
See for yourself. That's him now.

MACBETH
(entering)
Watching clouds drifting by.

MACDUFF
If there's nothing else, I'm out of here.

(Starts to leave, stops, looks

back. Thyme shakes his head.
MacDuff hurries off)

MACBETH
My schemes are like all my dreams. Ending in the...

THYME
Your majesty.

MACBETH
(holds up a spoon
he's carrying)
Is this a dagger which I see before me? The handle toward my
hand?

THYME
Afraid not. It's a spoon.
 66.

MACBETH
I coud've sworn it was a dagger.

THYME
No, it's a spoon.

MACBETH
You sure?

THYME
Positive. It's a spoon. I wonder if I could ask you a
question or two?

MACBETH
And who might you be?

THYME
The name's Thyme. Justin Thyme.

MACBETH
The fictional detective. My wife mentioned you.

THYME
What did she have to say?

MACBETH
That you were a complete stranger. That she'd never seen you
before and that I shouldn't listen to ugly rumors.

THYME
Just for the record, where were you when the old king bought
the farm?

MACBETH
The farm? You must have him confused with Old MacDonald.

THYME
No, no. Where were you when the old king was iced? Shivved?
Whacked?

MACBETH
Shivved? Whacked?

THYME
Where were you when King Duncan was killed?

MACBETH
Killed... Why didn't you say so? I was in my room and I've
got seven witnesses to prove it.
 67.

THYME
(to audience)
So far everyone had an alibi. It was the same alibi, but,
still it was an alibi.

MACBETH
(wandering off)
Some fellows look and find the sunshine. I always look and
find the rain.

(MacBeth exits.)

THYME
(to audience)
Maybe the old king's son had bumped him off, after all. And
I was being set up. But something MacDuff said kept rattling
around in my brain like loose screw. I decided to check out
my hunch.

(Sounds of rain and thunder.

Thyme turns up his collar and
steps back into the Inn Of The
Three Witches)

THYME
Cold, wet and miserable I stumbled back into the Inn Of
Three Witches.

(Hecate enters)

HECATE
Well, look who's here. Couldn't stay away from ole Hecate
could ya, duckie?

THYME
What can I say liver lips, you're sore eyes are a sight.

HECATE
'Ow you do go on.

THYME
The last time I was hear you told me MacBeth had been
sitting right where I was sitting. That you gave him a real
show. That you knew he was coming.

HECATE
That's right.

THYME
How did you know?

HECATE
She told us.
 68.

THYME
She? Who?

HECATE
Never told us her name. Just handed me a pouch full of gold
coins, she did.

THYME
What did she look like?

HECATE
About so high… Wore a red dress, she did with them stockings
with the seams up the back and them shoes with the real high
pointy heels.

THYME
Stilletos.

HECATE
'Ad one of them too.

THYME
Why did she want you to know MacBeth was coming here?

HECATE
Said it was his birthday. Wanted us to give him a special
show. Even wrote it all out for us. Told her we'd be real
happy to do it, but there was this one teensy, weensy little
problem.

THYME
What was that?

HECATE
None of us can read.

THYME
What'd she do?

HECATE
Got right up on that table and did the whole number for us,
she did. Ain't never seen nothin' like it.

THYME
(to audience)
That had to be Nola. She always did her best work on a table
top. So she paid off Hecate and the Vandellas to put on a
show for MacBeth. Now the only question was why?
(to Hecate)
Can you show me what she had you do?

HECATE
Happy to oblige.
(MORE)
 69.

HECATE (cont'd)
(calling out)
Latasha… Latoya… Lashana.

(Three Hags in slit skirts

shuffle in)

THREE WITCHES
(sing)
All hail MacBeth, new thane of Glammis.
Thou shalt be king, and that's a promise.
Be strong, be proud and take no sass.
Ain't no one here can kick your ass.
Macbeth shall never vanquish'd be
Until Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane, see.
That's your future, short and tall.
And now we're outta here, y'all.

THYME
Very nice.

HECATE
We're available for weddings, parties and bar mitzvahs.

THYME
I'll keep that in mind.

HECATE
Let's go girls.

(Hecate and The Three Witches

exit)

THYME
(to audience)
It was all starting to make sense. But proving it wasn't
going to be easy. It never is.

(Sound of rain, wind and

thunder)

(Thyme turns up his collar)

THYME
(to audience)
Cold, wet and miserable I stumbled back into the castle. The
place was quiet… Dead quiet.

(Sound of a very loud clock

bonging)
 70.

THYME
(to audience)
Except for that. That's when I saw it. A knife jammed into
the mattress where my back should have been. It raised a lot
of questions. Like who wanted to kill me? Why did MacBeth
go around talking to himself? And why did Malcom wear a
skirt? I left a wake up call for dawn and decided to catch
forty winks.

(He pulls the knife out of the

mattress and lays down. The
sound of a rooster crowing
wakes him up)

THYME
(to audience)
My alarm went off right on time.
(rises)
I had to be careful. Someone wanted me dead and until I
found out who it was I'd be walking around with a bullseye
on my back.
(crosses the stage
warily)
I was cautiously making my way down a narrow corridor when a
door opened and a man stepped in.
(MacDuff enters)
He was with a woman.

(Lady MacBeth enters)

LADY MACBETH
I can't remember the last time two minutes went by so
quickly.

(She kisses MacDuff)

THYME
I couldn't hear MacDuff's reply. It's hard to understand a
guy when he's got a tongue in his mouth that isn't his own.

(Lady MacBeth breaks off the

kiss and exits)

THYME
MacDuff.

MACDUFF
(surprised)
Thyme.

THYME
Surprised?
 71.

MACDUFF
No. Why should I be surprised?

THYME
I don't know. You look surprised. You sound surprised. You
act surprised.

MACDUFF
I'm surprised you'd think I was surprised.

THYME
I find that surprising, considering I just caught you
playing tonsil hockey with the lady of the house.

MACDUFF
You're not gonna tell the king, are you?

THYME
What you and the first lady do is your own business.

MACDUFF
Thanks Thyme, I owe you one.

THYME
Glad to hear it. Time to pay up.

MACDUFF
So soon? Isn't there usually a grace period?

THYME
Where you were last night around midnight.

MACDUFF
I admit it. I've got nothing to hide. I was Lady MacBeth.
And we've got seven witness to prove it.

THYME
(to audience)
MacDuff's alibi got me to wondering. What were they doing
that required seven witnesses?

MACBETH (O.S.)
Day and night. Night and day. Why is it...
(enters)
... that this longing for you follows wherever I go?

MACDUFF
If the King asks, we never talked, I wasn't here and I got
seven witnesses to prove it.

(MacDuff hurries off)

 72.

THYME
Your majesty.

MACBETH
(a little tipsy)
Thyme… Is that you?

THYME
It's me.

MACBETH
(holds up a bottle)
Wanna a little drinkie?

THYME
Maybe another time.

MACBETH
You don't know what your missing. Hundred year old scotch.
Imported.

THYME
You know anything about this?

(holds up the dagger that was

stuck in his bed)

MACBETH
A soup spoon?

THYME
A dagger. Recognize it?

MACBETH
It's mine.

THYME
Remember, when you saw it last?

MACBETH
I most certainly do. It was in your back.

THYME
So you admit that you tried to kill me.

MACBETH
Of course, I killed you.

THYME
Why?

MACBETH
Why do I admit it?
 73.

THYME
Why did you kill me?

MACBETH
She told me to.

THYME
Who told you to kill me?

MACBETH
You know the answer to that as well as I do.

THYME
I wanna hear you say it.

MACBETH
My wife. The adorable Lady MacBeth.

THYME
Why? Why did she want me dead?

MACBETH
Why does any woman want any man dead?

THYME
Good point. But what was her reason specifically?

MACBETH
She said you were a good detective. That sooner or later
you'd figure out I'd killed Duncan.

THYME
Did she tell you to do that, too? Kill Duncan.

MACBETH
You don't know my wife like I do Thyme.
(suspiciously)
You don't know my wife like I do, do you Thyme?

THYME
No. Of course not.
(to audience)
The guy had tried to kill me once already. I didn't see any
reason to make him mad.

MACBETH
She wanted to be queen. And in order for a woman to become a
queen she has to be married to a king. That's the rule. I
didn't make the rule. But, that's the rule. And I wasn't a
king. I was just a thane. I liked being a thane… It's a good
job being a thane. You get to hunt when you want, fish when
you want. Play a little golf when you want. You play golf,
Mr. Thyme?
 74.

THYME
Some times.

MACBETH
The Scotch invented golf. Did you know that Mr. Thyme?

THYME
No, I didn't

MACBETH

It's true. We invented golf. Golf and haggis.

THYME
Great. Two things that give you indigestion. Why are you
admitting all this?

MACBETH
Why not? You're a ghost. What are you going to tell?

THYME
(to audience)
So that was it. MacBeth thought I was a ghost. Either he was
drunker than I thought or mad as a hatter. But, then again,
this was the twelfth century. These guys believed in wood
sprites.

MACBETH
Besides, what difference does it make? I'm invicible.

THYME
Nobody's invicible.

MACBETH
I am. The prophecy says so.I will reign as king until
Birnham Wood comes to Dunsinane.
(a clock gongs three
times)
Hear that Thyme.
(declaims as he
exits)
It's three o'clock in the morning. I've danced the whole
night through.

THYME
(to audience)
It was time I brought Malcom up to date.

(Sounds of rain, wind and

thunder. Thyme turns his
collar up.)
 75.

THYME
Cold, wet and miserable I stumbled into Malcom's camp.

GUARD (O.S.)
Who goes there?

THYME
Justin Thyme, fictional detective. I'm here to see Malcom,
son of Duncan, brother of Donald, cousin of Shamus, uncle of
Hamish and close personal friend of Phil.

SCOTCH GUARD (O.S.)

Follow me.

(Thyme exits)

THYME (O.S.)
The guard led me across a stream, around a meadow,
through a wood,along a creek,over a hill, down a dale and up
to the heather on the hill.

SCOTCH GUARD (O.S.)

(announcing)
Justin Thyme, fictional detective.

(Thyme and Malcom enter from

opposite sides)

MALCOM
What news Justin Thyme?

THYME
I've got good news and I've got bad news.

MALCOM
Me and my men could use some good news.

THYME
Good news is you're in the clear. MacBeth copped to
everything. Killing your father. Stealing the crown.

MALCOM
Aye, that is good news. We must to action, Thyme. My men are
tired of sitting around all day listening to bagpipe music.

THYME
I don't blame them.

MALCOM
We'll attack Dunsinane Castle in the mornin' and I'll claim
me rightful crown.
 76.

THYME
That's the bad news. There's no way three hundred men in
skirts are going to take Dunsinane Castle.

MALCOM
If me and my laddies have to spend one more day here in
Birnham Wood, we'll...

THYME
Wait a minute. Did you say Birnham Wood?

MALCOM
Aye.

THYME
That's what I thought you said.

MALCOM
Then why did you make me repeat it?

THYME
Dramatic emphasis. Malcom, I think I know a way to make this
work.

MALCOM
Then let's hear it laddie.

THYME
Here's my plan. MacBeth thinks I'm a ghost.

(They exit. A few moments

later they return from the
other side of the stage)

THYME
Then you storm the castle, capture MacBeth and snatch the
crown.

MALCOM
You know Thyme, this plan of yours is just crazy enough to
work.
(exiting)
Gather round laddies. We have work to do.

(Sounds of wind, rain and

thunder. Thyme turns up his
collar)

THYME
(to audience)
Cold, wet and miserable I slipped back into the castle. It
was dead quiet.
(MORE)
 77.

THYME (cont'd)
(Clock loudly
bonging)
Except for that. Once again, she was waiting for me.

(Lady MacBeth enters wearing a

slinky red dress, black seamed
stocking and stiletto heels.)

LADY MACBETH
Hello, Thyme. I was waiting for you. MacBeth told me
everything. How'd he spilled the beans to your ghost. Copped
to everything. He was never cut out to be king. He can't
handle the pressure. Not like you, Thyme. We used to be a
great team, remember?

THYME
(to audience,
suspiciously)
You've got something up your sleeve. I can tell.
(to audience)
Or she would have, if she'd had a sleeve.

LADY MACBETH
Why don't you come over here and I'll show you.

THYME
(to the audience)
The code of the fictional detective clearly states you never
fool around with an accessory to murder. However, addendum
5, paragraph 7, sub paragraph 8 states that it is not only
permissible to fool around with an accessory to murder, if
said fooling around is in pursuit of additional evidence. In
that case said fooling around is not only permitted it's
encouraged. Especially if the accessory is built like Nola.

LADY MACBETH
How would like to be King of Scotland, Thyme?

THYME
I don't know. I never thought about. What would I have to
do?

LADY MACBETH
Not much. Just marry that King's widow.

THYME
One problem with that. The King is still alive.

LADY MACBETH
A temporary condition.

THYME
Can I give you my answer in the morning?
 78.

(Lady MacBeth grabs his tie

and pulls him toward her.)

LADY MACBETH
I wouldn't have it any other way.

(Suddenly there are sounds of

people running and shouting)

THYME
(to audience)
Suddenly, there were knights, bishops, rooks and pawns
everywhere.
(MacDuff runs by.
Thyme grabs him.)
What's going on MacDuff?

MACDUFF
The castle is under attack.

THYME
Where's the king?

MACDUFF
On the battlements.

LADY MACBETH
Defending the castle?

MACDUFF
Speaking in rhyming couplets.

LADY MACBETH
We'd better get up there before he starts speaking in iambic
pentameter.

MACDUFF
No, please don't go, m'lady. It's too dangerous. Stay with
me. I'll protect you.

LADY MACBETH
You gotta be kidding.

MACDUFF
This is our chance, m'lady While the battle is going on
out front, we can slip out the back. Just you and me.

LADY MACBETH
Really? Just you and me. And we're are we going, just you
and me?
 79.

MACDUFF
I drove a family off some lovely acreage on the bonnie,
bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. We could build a cottage. Raise
sheep.

LADY MACBETH
(flirtatiously to
MacDuff)
Raise sheep? Just what I've always wanted. But first, you
must do something for me, MacDuff.

MACDUFF
Anything for you, majesty.

LADY MACBETH
Glad to hear it. Now, listen to me very closely.
(she moves in very
close)
I want you to go up on the battlements...

MACDUFF
(breathing heavily)
Yes, majesty.

LADY MACBETH
And do what you do best.

MACDUFF
Yes, majesty. Of, course majesty. What I do best. Just one
question?

LADY MACBETH
Yes?

MACDUFF
What is it I do best?

LADY MACBETH
Why, make yourself a target, of course.

MACDUFF
Of course. Fear not, milady.

(He runs off happily)

LADY MACBETH
(to audience)
Oh what fools these mortals be. Especially, the male
mortals.
(to Thyme)
This is the chance we've been waiting for, Thyme. Let's go.
 80.

THYME
Where?

LADY MACBETH
To the battlements.

(They hurry off. MacBeth

enters along with MacDuff)

MACBETH
Like the beat, beat of the tom tom, when jungle shadows
fall.

(Thyme and Lady MacBeth enter

from the other side. Thyme is
huffing and puffing and trying
to catch his breath)

THYME
Ever think of investing in an elevator?

LADY MACBETH
Let's do it Thyme. Right here. Right now.

THYME
As much as I'd love to persimmon ears, I don't think we've
got two minutes to spare.

LADY MACBETH
Don't flatter yourself, flatfoot. I mean this our chance to
make MacBeth… macdead.

THYME
Hold on... I've got a better idea.
(crosses to MacBeth
and starts talking
like a ghostly
figure)
MacBeth... MacBeth... It is I, the ghost of Justin Thyme.

MACBETH
Begone, ghost of Justin Thyme. Begone.

THYME
Fat chance, MacBeth. The jig is up.

MACBETH
The jig will be up only when Birnham Wood comes to
Dunsinane.

THYME
Look... Out beyond the battlements. What do you see?
 81.

MACBETH
Trees… As far as the eye can see. Nothing but trees.

THYME
Yes, trees. But you're missing the big picture. You're not
seeing the forest for the trees.

MACBETH
Yes. I see it now. A forest. A big, green, advancing forest.

THYME
Good. Now ask yourself this. Was that forest there
yesterday?

MACBETH
No... No it was not.

THYME
Do you recognize that forest, MacBeth?

MACBETH
Yes, Yes I do... It's... It's... Ohhhhh sh.....

THYME
That's right, MacBeth. Birnham Wood has come to Dunsinane.
Now ask yourself this MacBeth. Do I feel lucky? Well do
ya' MacBeth?

MACBETH
I'm doomed. I'm doomed. A horse... A horse... My kingdom for
a horse.

LADY MACBETH
Wrong play you Scottish has been. It's all over. You're
through. Turn in your crown and clean out your desk.

MACBETH
What is happening?

LADY MACBETH
Call it a hostile take over.

MACBETH
The prophecy has come to pass.

LADY MACBETH
There was no prophecy,you moron. I paid off the witches to
tell you all that crap so you'd have the cojones to knock
off Duncan.

MACBETH
There was no prophecy?
 82.

LADY MACBETH
Just like Thyme here isn't a ghost.

MACBETH
Of course he's a ghost. I killed him.

THYME
The only thing you killed was my mattress.

LADY MACBETH
Listen to me, haggis for brains. There's no such thing as
ghosts… There's no such thing as witches… There's no such
thing as prophecies and the tooth fairy doesn't leave money
under your pillow.

MACBETH
Then who does?

THYME
And that's not a forest out there.

MACBETH
It's not Birnham Wood?

THYME
That's Malcom's army. They just moved all of Birnham Wood to
Dunsinane.

MACBETH
Every branch? Every leaf?

THYME
Every twig. Like I always say, you can't make an omelet
without causing an ecological disaster now and then.

(Malcom enters)

MALCOM
It worked, laddie. Your plan worked. We've captured the
castle.

THYME
They're all yours Malcom.

LADY MACBETH
What are you talking about, Thyme? We had a deal, remember?
We kill MacBeth, you marry me and together we would rule
this land and in the tradition of those great kings and
queens before us, we'd suck the peasants dry.

THYME
You forgot one thing.
 83.

LADY MACBETH
What's that?

THYME
I'm a cop, a shamus, a gumshoe, a dick.

LADY MACBETH
You can say that again.

THYME
I'll do or say anything I have to, to nail the bad guys.
It's part of the code of the fictional detective.

LADY MACBETH
God, I hate codes.

MALCOM
I'll take that crown now.
(takes the crown
from MacBeth)
Life, as you once knew it, is over.

MACBETH
Life. What is life? Life's but a walking shadow, a poor
player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and
then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full
of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

LADY MACBETH
Oh, spare me.

THYME
(to Malcom)
She's all yours.

LADY MACBETH
You can't do this Thyme. Don't I mean anything to you. What
about the times I fed your insatiable passion. Banked the
fires of your raging lust.

MACBETH
You banked his fires?

LADY MACBETH
Like you wouldn't believe.

MACBETH
You never banked my fires.

LADY MACBETH
Maybe if you a fire to bank.
(MORE)
 84.

LADY MACBETH (cont'd)

(turning all her
charms on Malcom)
Not like Malcom here. Now this is a real man. A man who
stands up for what he believes, no matter what. A man
willing to fight and die for his country and for the woman
he loves and doing it all in a flattering, knee length
tartan plaid skirt by Stella McCartney. Isn't that right
Malcom?

MALCOM
(flattered)
I suppose.

LADY MACBETH
Of course, it is.

THYME
(to audience)
It was over. King Duncan's killers had been exposed. Malcom
had been exonerated and returned to his rightful place on
the throne. Now it was his turn to bleed the peasants dry.

MACDUFF
Milady. What about about me? What about us?

LADY MACBETH
Us? Us? There is no us. There never was an "us." There will

MACDUFF
And after everything I did for you.

THYME
What do you mean everything, MacDuff?

MACDUFF
Everything.

THYME
Like what?

MACDUFF
Like doin' away with those two poor unfortunates.

THYME
Which two poor unfortunates?

LADY MACBETH
Don't listen to him Thyme. He's just jealous.

MACDUFF
Those two poor unfortunates starin' down at ya from the
front gate.
 85.

LADY MACBETH
That was you?
(MacDuff nods)
Look at this way MacGruff...

MACDUFF
MacDuff.

THYME
Whatever. Better men than you have gotten caught in Nola's
web. Much better men than you.

MACDUFF
What will become of me?

(A Guard leads MacDuff off)

THYME
(to audience)
The poor guy never had a chance. He made the mistake of
fallin' for a dame who promised him a trip to the moon on
gossamer wings and, instead, booked him a coach seat to
hell. Come to think of it, every coach seat is hell.

MACBETH
Out, out brief candle.

THYME
(to audience)
As for MacBeth. Well in the end he was just an ordinary guy
who wanted what ordinary guys want… To hunt a little. To
fish a little. Get in a round of golf, now and then. Sleep
with the help. Of all the tragic characters I've come
across, MacBeth has to be the most tragic.

MACBETH
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty
pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time.

(The Guard returns to lead

MacBeth off)

MACBETH
(exiting)
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty
death.

THYME
(to audience)
Not to mention the most depressing.
 86.

LADY MACBETH
(girlishly
flirtatious, she
takes Malcom's arm)
Oh Malcom, please.

THYME
(to audience)
As for Nola...

LADY MACBETH
I'm not that kind of girl. But, with you I could learn to
be.

(Lady MacBeth and Nola exit

giggling like teenagers)

THYME
(to audience)
I think it was Big Bill Shakespeare who put it best.
Whatever Nola wants, Nola gets.

(Sound of wind, rain and

thunder. Thyme turns his
collar up and exits. Bluesy
saxophone up and under. Thyme
exits as three chairs are put
in place. A woman in her early
thirties enters. This is grown
up Cinderella. She sits in one
of the chairs and picks up a
magazine.

Saxophone out.

The Narrator enters)

NARRATOR
Thought you'd seen the last of Juliet? Then I have a real
surprise for you.

(Juliet enters. The Narrator

exits. Juliet sits and glances
over at Cinderella. She looks
away then glances back)

JULIET
Excuse me.

CINDERELLA
Yes?
 87.

JULIET
Have me met before?

(Cinderella wants desperately

not to engage in conversation)

CINDERELLA
I don't think so.

JULIET
You seem so familiar.

CINDERELLA
Sorry.

JULIET
Your sure we haven't...

CINDERELLA
Yes, I'm sure.

JULIET
I feel I know you from somewhere.

CINDERELLA
It happens.

(Rebuffed, Juliet sits quietly

for a moment then speaks
again)

JULIET
(excitedly)
Ohmygod... It's you. It's you, isn't it? I knew it. Could I
get a selfie?

(She takes out a phone shoots

a selfie of the two of them)

JULIET
No one's going to believe this. I'm sorry. My name is
Juliet. Juliet Montague.

CINDERELLA
How nice for you.

JULIET
And you're Cinderella. Cinderella Charming.
(Cinderella nods)
I can't believe I'm actually talking to Cinderella Charming.
This is so awesome.
 88.

(Cinderella nods. She goes

back to reading, then looks up
over her magazine.

CINDERELLA
Wait a minute? Did you say your name was Juliet Montague?

JULIET
That's me. Juliet Montague.

CINDERELLA
Is Montague your maiden name.

JULIET
No... It's my married name. My maiden name was Capulet. I'm
thinking of going back to it.

CINDERELLA
I've sometimes thought about going back to mine. But, it
seems like such a hassle. Besides, Charming sounds a lot
better than Schekendorff.

JULIET
I suppose.

CINDERELLA
So, you're that Juliet?

JULIET
Yeah... Afraid so.

CINDERELLA
I thought you were...

JULIET
Dead?

CINDERELLA
Well, yeah.

JULIET
I thought you lived happily ever after.

(The ice has been broken. The

two women start talking)

CINDERELLA
That was the plan.

JULIET
The best laid plans...
 89.

CINDERELLA
So the whole suicide thing...?

JULIET
Oh that. We faked it.

CINDERELLA
Faked your own death? That's pretty drastic. Why would you
do that?

JULIET
It was the only way we could think of to get away from all
the craziness. His parents. My parents. The whole Capulet -
Montague thing.

CINDERELLA
So what happened with you and Romeo? You guys seemed really
hot for each other.

JULIET
In the beginning. You know how it is.

CINDERELLA
Tell me about it.

JULIET
We were so young. I was fourteen. In that rebellious period.
My father said left, I went right. My mother said marry
Paris, I picked Romeo. Who knows. Maybe if she'd said marry
Romeo, I'd be divorced from Paris, now.

CINDERELLA
I'm sorry.

JULIET
Don't be. It was doomed from the start. I’m beginning to
wonder if they’re all doomed from the start.

CINDERELLA
I'm not the one to ask.

JULIET
In the book you seemed so happy.

CINDERELLA
A fairy tale.

JULIET
None of it was true?

CINDERELLA
I was poor. That part was true.
 90.

JULIET
The fairy godmother? The pumpkin?

CINDERELLA
Oh, please... A fairy godmother, really?

JULIET
Not even the carriage and the six white horses.

CINDERELLA
Rented.

JULIET
That was my favorite part? How disappointing.

CINDERELLA
No more so than finding out you didn't die. Of course, I'm
only speaking in literary terms. The whole dramatic arc of
the story is predicated on you...

JULIET
Dying.

CINDERELLA
Well, yes.

JULIET
The truth just isn't that romantic, is it?

CINDERELLA
Never is. We're just the end result of a long tradition of
romantic love being the answer to every woman's prayer.

JULIET
So, Prince Charming...?

CINDERELLA
Wasn't that charming.

JULIET
(disappointed)
Ohhhhh.

CINDERELLA
He was an invention. Mostly my invention. I had fantasized
him to such a degree, it wasn't until we'd been married for
a few years that I realized what a total waste of space he
was.

JULIET
It took me five.
 91.

CINDERELLA
So Romeo wasn't...

JULIET
He was Romeo alright. Ask half the women in Verona.

CINDERELLA
He... uh..?

JULIET
Every chance he got. For years I thought it was me. I wasn't
attractive enough. I wasn't experienced enough.

CINDERELLA
Terrible, isn't it?

JULIET
Was the prince faithful? As long as we're baring our souls.

CINDERELLA
You know about Snow White.

JULIET
Well, yeah... I did read something.

CINDERELLA
Did you know about him and Snow White's wicked stepmother.

JULIET
(shocked)
Nooooooo.

CINDERELLA
Yes. Turns out he had a thing for wicked stepmothers.

JULIET
Did that include your stepmother?

CINDERELLA
My stepmother is great.

JULIET
You're better off without him.

CINDERELLA
I have to accept a lot of the blame.

JULIET
You shouldn't say that.

CINDERELLA
It's true. I concocted the whole phoney baloney scenario.
 92.

JULIET
You just wanted something better from life. We both did.

CINDERELLA
Happily ever after. What a load of crap.

JULIET
I just can't believe that.

CINDERELLA
Can't or won't?

JULIET
I have to believe that there is someone out there.

CINDERELLA
Someday my prince will come?

JULIET
So, you've given up on ever finding someone?

CINDERELLA
(mockingly)
Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?

JULIET
Please. That was all Shakespeare. Who talks like that?

CINDERELLA
Really?

JULIET
Sorry to bust your bubble.

CINDERELLA
It's my own fault.

JULIET
For wanting to believe?

CINDERELLA
God, it's so ingrained in us. Will we ever get past it?

JULIET
I don't know if I want to.

CINDERELLA
We have to grow up some time.

JULIET
Not if growing up means becoming cold and cynical.
 93.

CINDERELLA
Don't listen to me. If I wasn't looking for some answers
would I be sitting outside a shrink's office?

JULIET
I guess not.

CINDERELLA
So, are you seeing anyone? I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.

JULIET
My life's an open book.

CINDERELLA
Tell me about it.

JULIET
No. I'm not. But I'm hopeful. How about you?

CINDERELLA
I'm in no rush. I did okay in the settlement. I'm not a
princess anymore, but, then again, who is?

(The reception enters)

RECEPTIONIST
Ms. Montague.

(Juliet stands)

CINDERELLA
It was nice meeting you.

JULIET
(dramatically)
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
(catching herself)
Sorry. Force of habit.

(Juliet exits. A moment later

a YOUNG WOMAN enters, sits and
thumbs through a magazine. The
whole time she keeps glancing
over at Cinderella)

YOUNG WOMAN
Ohmygod... It is you. Oh, like this is so cool. Could I have
your autograph?

CINDERELLA
Sure, why not?

(Cinderella signs)
 94.

YOUNG WOMAN
I can't believe I'm talking to Cinderella. You are my hero.
I've read everything about you. It's so inspiring.

CINDERELLA
Don't believe everything you read.

YOUNG WOMAN
I just know that someday my prince will come. And we'll ride
away on his white horse and live happily ever after.

CINDERELLA
Are you here to see the therapist?

YOUNG WOMAN
Oh, no. I just came to pick up a friend.

CINDERELLA
His name is Dr. Peterson. He's very good. He specializes in
disappointment.

RECEPTIONIST
Ms. Charming.

(Cinderella rises)

YOUNG WOMAN
I don't think I'll need him.

CINDERELLA
(stands)
You will. Trust me.

(Cinderella follows the

Receptionist out. After a
moment or two, The Young
Woman rises and exits passing
the Narrator on his way in. He
stands center stage, looks out
over the audience for a few
moments, then...)

NARRATOR
Before you go, I'd like to leave you with this final quote.
Tha...tha...that's all folks.

(He turns and exits)

THE END