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The Bar Chart Below Shows... by Ielts9.me

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13 views4 pages

The Bar Chart Below Shows... by Ielts9.me

Uploaded by

Cheshire Chai
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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IELTS Writing Score Report

Task Question
The bar chart below shows money spent on consumer goods in different countries.Image
description: Germany consistently spends the most on consumer goods across categories,
except for toys where Italy leads. Britain has high expenditures on CDs and photographic film.
France generally shows moderate spending levels. Personal stereos and tennis racquets have
relatively similar spending patterns across countries. Perfumes see wider variations, with Britain
outspending others significantly. Photographic film shows the largest overall spending, while
personal stereos have the lowest expenditure across nations.
Your Essay
The bar chart analyses consumer spending on six different items in Germany, Italy, France and
Britain.

It is clear that British people expended significantly more money than people in the other
three countries on all six merchandise. Of the six items, consumers spent the most money on
photographic film.

People in Britain spent just over £170,000 on photographic film, which is the peak figure shown
on the chart. By contrast, Germans were the minimal overall spenders, with roughly the same
figures (just under £150,000) for each of the six products.

The figures for spending on toys were the same in both France and Italy, at nearly £160,000.
However, French people spent more than Italians on photographic film and CDs, while Italians
disbursed more for personal stereos, tennis racquets and perfumes than others. The amount
spent by French people on tennis racquets, around £145,000, is the lowest figure shown on the
chart.

Corrected Essay
The bar chart analyses ( Consider a more dynamic verb for engagement, e.g., 'The bar chart
presents' or 'depicts'. ) consumer spending on six different items in Germany, Italy, France and
Britain. It is clear that British people expended ( 'Spent' is more common and straightforward than
'expended' in this context. ) significantly more money than people in the other three countries on
all six merchandise ( Consider using 'items' instead of 'merchandise' for clarity and correctness.
'Merchandise' is not typically used in this plural form. ) . Of the six items ( Maintain consistency
with previous advice; 'Among these items' enhances clarity. ) , consumers spent the most money
( To elevate style, consider 'the highest amount' for a more formal tone. ) on photographic film.
People in Britain spent just over £170,000 on photographic film, which is the peak figure ( 'Which
represents the highest expenditure' would be more precise and academic. ) shown on the chart. By
contrast, Germans were the minimal overall spenders ( 'The lowest overall spenders' is clearer and
more commonly used. ) , with roughly the same figures ( 'Approximately the same amounts' would
be more specific and accurate. ) (just under £150,000) for each of the six products. The figures for
spending on toys were the same in both France and Italy ( To enhance precision and readability,
consider 'were identical for both France and Italy'. ) , at nearly £160,000 ( Maintain positive
reinforcement for using precise figures. ) . However ( Praising the use of transitional words to
introduce contrast. ) , French people spent ( To maintain cohesion, 'The French' can be used for
smoother readability. ) more than Italians on photographic film and CDs, while Italians disbursed
more for ( 'Spent more on' is more direct and commonly understood than 'disbursed more for'. )
personal stereos, tennis racquets and perfumes ( Good structure in listing; ensures clarity and ease
of understanding. ) than others. The amount spent by French people ( Encouraging active voice;
'What the French spent' could be more direct and concise. ) on tennis racquets, around £145,000 (
Positive note for utilizing approximate figures to simplify data. ) , is the lowest figure shown on the
chart ( 'Represents the chart's lowest expenditure' could be a stronger assertion. ) .

Score Result

Word Count 151 words

Task Achievement / Task Response: 7

Coherence and Cohesion: 7


Score Breakdown
Lexical Resource: 7

Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Overall Band Score 7

Detailed Feedback
Task Achievement:
This essay successfully addresses the task, demonstrating a good understanding of the bar
chart and effectively summarizing the spending behaviors in different countries. Your effort to
analyze spending on various consumer goods and identify key trends is evident. To improve,
consider providing insights into potential reasons for these trends and their implications.

Coherence and Cohesion:


Your essay exhibits a well-organized structure, with coherent progression from one idea to
the next. Utilizing a broader range of cohesive devices could enhance the essay's flow even
more. Try to explore more linking words that fit naturally into the context to improve the essay's
coherence.
Lexical Resource:
You've shown improvement in your use of vocabulary, particularly in terms of variety and
precision. To elevate your score even further, focus on incorporating idiomatic expressions and
more sophisticated synonyms that reflect a higher level of English proficiency.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:


There's an evident improvement in your grammatical range, with more complex structures
being used. However, striving for even greater accuracy and diversity in sentence structure will
contribute to a higher score. Paying attention to subject-verb agreement and tense consistency
remains crucial for your next steps.

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