MODULE 9: BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS

Big Question: How does knowing more about attraction, love, and commitment help you become more responsible
in a relationship?

Objectives: At the end of this module, you will be able to:

1. discuss an understanding of teen-age relationships, including the acceptable and unacceptable expressions of attractions,
2. express your ways of showing attraction, love, and commitment; and
3. identify ways to become responsible in a relationship
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Reading: WHAT DO WE MEAN BY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

The concept of relationship is very broad and complex. In our model, personal relationships refer to close connections
between people, formed by emotional bonds and interactions. These bonds often grow from and are strengthened by
mutual experiences.

Relationships are not static; they are continually evolving, and to fully enjoy and benefit from them we need skills,
information, inspiration, practice, and social support. In our model there are three kinds of personal relationships:

Family - The concept of "family" is an essential component in any discussion of relationships, but this varies greatly from
person to person. The Bureau of the Census defines family as "two or more persons who are related by birth, marriage, or
adoption and who live together as one household." But many people have family they don't live with or to whom they are
not bonded by love, and the roles of family vary across cultures as well as throughout your own lifetime. Some typical
characteristics of a family are support, mutual trust, regular interactions, shared beliefs and values, security, and a sense
of community.

Although the concept of "family" is one of the oldest in human nature, its definition has evolved considerably in the past
three decades. Non-traditional family structures and roles can provide as much comfort and support as traditional forms.

Friends -A friendship can be thought of as a close tie between two people that is often built upon mutual experiences,
shared interests, proximity, and emotional bonding. Friends are able to turn to each other in times of need. Nicholas
Christakis and James Fowler, social-network researchers and authors of the book Connected, find that the average person
has about six close ties—though some have more, and many have only one or none.

Note that online friends don’t count toward close ties—research indicates that a large online network isn’t nearly as
powerful as having a few close, real-life friends.

Partnerships -Romantic partnerships, including marriage, are close relationships formed between two people that are built
upon affection, trust, intimacy, and romantic love. We usually experience this kind of relationship with only one person at
a time.

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/what do-we-mean-personal-relationships

Reading: A RESEARCH STUDY ON RELATIONSHIPS

A sample of 1,110 adolescents assessed nine aspects of their relationships with their mother, their father, their best same-
sex friend, their most important sibling, and their most important teacher. These aspects were admiration, affection,
companionship, conflict, instrumental aid, intimacy, nurturance, reliable alliance, and satisfaction with the relationship.
Early adolescents (11 through 13 years of age) gave higher ratings than did middle (14 through 16years of age) and late (17
through 19 years of age) adolescents for all relationships on most attributes. Except for intimacy and nurturance, middle
adolescents' ratings were higher than those of late adolescents but only for some relationships. The observed trends are
interpreted with respect to several social, social cognitive, and cognitive changes taking place over the span of adolescence.
Source: Clark-Lempers, D., J.D. Lempers & C. Ho. (1991). Early, Middle, and Late Adolescents' Perceptions of Their Relationships with Significant Others.
Journal of Adolescent Research. 6-3, 296-315.
Reading: WHY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT
Healthy relationships are a vital component of health and wellbeing. There is compelling evidence that strong relationships
contribute to a long, healthy, and happy life. Conversely, the health risks from being alone or isolated in one's life are
comparable to the risks associated with cigarette smoking, blood pressure, and obesity.

Research shows that healthy relationships can help you:

• Live longer. A review of 148 studies found that people with strong social relationships are 50% less likely to die
prematurely. Similarly, Dan Buettner’s Blue Zones research calculates that committing to a life partner can add 3 years to
life expectancy (Researchers Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler have found that men’s life expectancy benefits from
marriage more than women’s do.)
• Deal with stress. The support offered by a caring friend can provide a buffer against the effects of stress. In a study of
over 100 people, researchers found that people who completed a stressful task experienced a faster recovery when they
were reminded of people with whom they had strong relationships. (Those who were reminded of stressful relationships,
on the other hand, experienced even more stress and higher blood pressure.)
• Be healthier. According to research by psychologist Sheldon Cohen, college students who reported having strong
relationships were half as likely to catch a common cold when exposed to the virus. In addition, 2012 international Gallup
poll found that people who feel they have friends and family to count on are generally more satisfied with their personal
health than people who feel isolated. And hanging out with healthy people increases your own likelihood of health—in
their book Connected, Christakis and Fowler show that non-obese people are more likely to have non-obese friends
because healthy habits spread through our social networks.
• Feel richer. A survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research of 5,000 people found that doubling your group of
friends has the same effect on your wellbeing as a 50% increase in income!

On the other hand, low social support is linked to a number of health consequences, such as:
• Depression. Loneliness has long been commonly associated with depression, and now research is backing this correlation
up: a 2012 study of breast cancer patients found that those with fewer satisfying social connections experienced higher
levels of depression, pain, and fatigue.
• Decreased immune function. The authors of the same study also found a correlation between loneliness and immune
system dysregulation, meaning that a lack of social connections can increase your chances of becoming sick.
• Higher blood pressure. University of Chicago researchers who studied a group of 229 adults over five years found that
loneliness could predict higher blood pressure even years later, indicating that the effects of isolation have long lasting
consequences. According to psychiatrists Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz, social alienation is an inevitable result of
contemporary society's preoccupation with materialism and frantic "busy-ness." Their decades of research support the
idea that a lack of relationships can cause multiple problems with physical, emotional, and spiritual health. The research is
clear and devastating: isolation is fatal.

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/why personal-relationships-are-important

Reading: 25 MOST COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

Here is the list of the most common relationship problems most often encountered by couples
1. Affairs / infidelity / cheating. This includes emotional infidelity, one-night stands, internet relationships (including
‘sexting’), long- and short-term affairs and financial infidelity
2. Sexual Issues, particularly loss of libido and including questions around your gender, or your partner's gender
3. Significant differences in core values and beliefs
4. Life stages – you have ‘outgrown’ each other or have ‘changed’ significantly for whatever reason
5. Traumatic and/or Life-Changing Events
6. Responses to prolonged periods of Stress, such as Work-Related Stress, long-term illness, mental health issues, Financial
Problems, problems with the children, infertility and many more
7. Bored in or with Your Relationship
8. Dealing with a jealous partner
9. Having 'blended' family issues
10. Domestic violence, which includes verbal as well as physical abuse:
THE most serious relationship problem.
11. Knowing you should not have got married in the first place!
12. Lack of responsibility regarding finances, children, health and many other issues
13. Unrealistic Expectations- still thinking your partner / spouse is the princess / knight and not seeing the 'real' human being
14. Addictions - substance abuse
15. Excessive reliance on social media, at the cost of the relationship
16. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you
17. Manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with family or friends
18. Lack of communication about important matters
19. Poor division of and / or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks. It is not always women who complain about this relationship problem!
20. Perceived lack of concern, care and consideration / attentiveness: feeling the relationship is one-sided is a big one!
21. Significant personal disappointments and traumas that lead to a change in relationship dynamics
22. Long term depression or other mental health issues suffered by one partner or both
23. Significant differences in opinion on how to discipline / deal with the children
24. Long-term stress, particularly when not taking responsibility for doing something positive to address the cause, or about
learning to handle it if it cannot be changed
25. An unsupportive partner during pregnancy and/or significant problems after the birth of your baby.

We wouldn’t be surprised if you have found that you are experiencing several of these relationship problems, but you know
what? However difficult this time is for you we promise you that this too will pass. We are rooting for you and we know
that you will be happy again. You don’t have to wait and hope for better times – together we can do something about it
now!

The person you love (or used to love) was always bound to hurt you - it's sadly a fact of life and we all do it to each other.
However, we can become better at solving our relationship problems by taking responsibility for ourselves. Source:
http://www.professional-counselling.com/common-relationship-problems.html

Reading: NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Connect with your family

One of the biggest challenges for families to stay connected is the busy pace of life. But Blue Zones research states that the
healthiest, longest-living people in the world all have something in common: they put their families first. Family support
can provide comfort, support, and even influence better health outcomes while you are sick. Relationships and family
author Mimi Doe recommends connecting with family by letting little grievances go, spending time together, and
expressing love and compassion to one another. Of course, the same practices apply to close friends as well. This is
especially important if you don’t have living family, or have experienced difficult circumstances, such as abuse, that would
make it difficult for you to connect with your relatives.

Practice gratitude
Gratitude is one of the most accessible positive emotions, and its effects can strengthen friendships and intimate
relationships. One 2010 study found that expressing gratitude toward a partner can strengthen the relationship, and this
positive boost is felt by both parties—the one who expresses gratitude and the one who receives it. Remembering to say
“thank you” when a friend listens or your spouse brings you a cup of coffee can set off an upward spiral of trust, closeness,
and affection.

Learn to forgive
It’s normal for disagreements or betrayal to arise in relationships, but your choice about how to handle the hurt can have
a powerful effect on the healing process. Choosing to forgive can bring about a variety of benefits, both physical and
emotional. Fred Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, says it’s easier to let go of the anger or hurt feelings
associated with a circumstance if you remind yourself that much of your distress is really coming from the thoughts and
feelings you are having right now while remembering the event—not the event itself. Don’t be afraid to clearly articulate
why you are upset, but once the other party has listened, be willing to lay down your anger and move on.

Be compassionate
Compassion is the willingness to be open to yourself and others, even in painful times, with a gentle, nonjudgmental
attitude. When you feel compassionate toward another person—whether a romantic partner, friend, relative, or
colleague— you open the gates for better communication and a stronger bond. This doesn’t mean taking on the suffering
of others, or absorbing their emotions. Rather, compassion is the practice of recognizing when someone else is unhappy
or whose needs aren’t being met and feeling motivated to help them. We are an imitative species: when compassion is
shown to us, we return it.

Accept others
It is also important to be accepting of the other person in the relationship. Obviously, this does not apply in situations of
abuse or unhealthy control, where you need foremost to protect yourself. But otherwise, try to understand where the
person is coming from rather than judge them. As you do for yourself, have a realistic acceptance of the other's strengths
and weaknesses and remember that change occurs over time.

Create rituals together With busy schedules and the presence of online social media that offer the façade of real contact,
it’s very easy to drift from friends. In order to nurture the closeness and support of friendships, you have to make an effort
to connect. Gallup researcher Tom Rath has found that people who deliberately make time for gatherings or trips enjoy
stronger relationships and more positive energy. An easy way to do this is to create a standing ritual that you can share and
that doesn’t create more stress—talking on the telephone on Fridays, for example, or sharing a walk during lunch breaks,
are ways to keep in contact with the ones you care about the most.

Spend the right amount of time together

Gallup researchers Jim Harter and Raksha Arora found that people who spend 6-7 hours per day socializing (which could
mean hanging out with friends, sharing meals with family, or even emailing a colleague) tend to be the happiest. In contrast,
those who have zero interactions (or an exhausting overload of social time) feel more stressed. Knowing when to give your
time to others and when to take some time for yourself can be crucial in maintaining balanced, healthy relationships as
well as emotional well-being.

Source: http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/relationships/nurture your-relationships

Reading: TEN RULES FOR FINDING LOVE AND CREATING LONG LASTING AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIPS

1. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF FIRST

Your relationship with yourself is the central template from which all others are formed. Loving yourself is a
prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another.

2. PARTNERING IS A CHOICE MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE

The choice to be in a relationship is up to you. You have the ability to attract your beloved and cause the relationship
you desire to happen.

3. CREATING LOVE IS A PROCESS

Moving from “I” to “we” requires a shift in perspective and energy. Being an authentic couple is an evolution.

4. RELATIONSHIPS PROVIDE OPPORTUNITIES TO GROW

Your relationship will serve as an unofficial “lifeshop” in which you will learn about yourself and how you can grow on
your personal path.

5. COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL
The open exchange of thoughts and feelings is the lifeblood of your relationship.

6. NEGOTIATION WILL BE REQUIRED

There will be times when you and your partner must work through impasses. If you do this consciously and with
respect, you will learn to create win-win outcomes.

7. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE CHALLENGED BY CHANGE

Life will present turns in the road. How you maneuver those twists and turns determines the success of your
relationship.

8. YOU MUST NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO THRIVE

Treasure your beloved and your relationship will flourish.

9. RENEWAL IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY Happily ever after means the ability to keep the relationship fresh and vital.

10. YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS THE MOMENT YOU FALL IN LOVE
You know all these rules inherently. The challenge is to remember them when you fall under the enchanting spell of
love.

Source: http://angellovecards.com/assets/luminaries/drcherrieLOVEposter.pdf
Reading: KEEPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Good relationships are fun and make you feel good about yourself. The relationships that you make in your youth years
will be a special part of your life and will teach you some of the most important lessons about who you are. Truly good
relationships take time and energy to develop. All relationships should be based on respect and honesty, and this is
especially important when you decide to date someone.

In a healthy relationship, both partners:

 Are treated with kindness and respect
 Are honest with each other
 Like to spend time together
 Take an interest in things that are important to each other
 Respect one another’s emotional, physical and sexual limits
 Can speak honestly about their feelings

Love should never hurt

Dating relationships can be wonderful! But while it’s important that dating partners care for each other, it’s just as
important that you take care of yourself! About 10% of high school students say they have suffered violence from someone
they date. This includes physical abuse where someone causes physical pain or injury to another person. This can involve
hitting, slapping, or kicking.

Sexual abuse is also a type of violence, and involves any kind of unwanted sexual advance. It can include everything from
unwelcome sexual comments to kissing to intercourse. But abuse doesn’t always mean that someone hits or hurts your
body. Emotional abuse is anything that harms your self-esteem or causes shame. This includes saying things that hurt your
feelings, make you feel that you aren’t worthwhile, or trying to control who you see or where you go.

Remember, you deserve healthy, happy relationships. Abuse of any type is never okay.

ABUSE AND ASSAULT

Love should never hurt. But sometimes it does:
 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime
 1.5 million Women are sexually assaulted or otherwise physically abused by their partners each year.
 Over 800,000 males are sexually or physically abused by partners.
 Abuse can occur in any type of relationship--gay and straight, casual and long-term, young and old.
 About 10% of high school students say that have suffered violence from someone they date.

If you are – or have been – in a relationship where you were mistreated, it’s very easy to blame yourself. The problem is
with the abuser, though, not you. It’s not your fault! Anyone can be abused – boys and girls, men and women, gay or
straight, young and old – and anyone can become an abuser.

Break the Silence: Stop the Violence It may shock you to know that one out of every eleven teens reports being hit or
physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past twelve months. But why is that, and how can we change it? In "Break
The Silence: Stop the Violence," parents talk with teens about developing healthy, respectful relationships before they start
dating.

HOW TO COMMUNICATE
Talking openly makes relationships more fun and satisfying; especially when you both talk about each other’s needs for
physical, emotional, mental and sexual health. You can’t expect a partner to know what you want and need unless you tell
them. The simple fact is that none of us are a mind reader--so it's important to be open about your needs and expectations.

In a romantic relationship, it is important to communicate openly on issues of sex and sexual health. The decision to enter
into a sexual relationship is entirely up to you, and you always have the right to say "no" at any time to anything that you
don't feel comfortable with. Remember, there are many ways to express love without sex. If you do decide to become
sexually active, there are things about which you do need to communicate.

Though talking about sex can feel a little scary, many people find that when they get up the nerve to talk about sex, their
partner really appreciates it. Most likely they've been trying to work up the nerve, too! Many respect a partner even more
once they've brought up the topic of sex. It is ok to be nervous--that lets you know that what you are doing is both important
to you and also exciting.
Remember though: it is a good idea to talk about any sexual subject before you get all hot and bothered, but this is
especially important for topics which require logical thinking skills, like safer sex expectations. Most of us don't act rationally
in the heat of the moment. Think about your boundaries ahead of time, and discuss them with a partner when you are not
currently in a sexual mood. If you are turned on, you are less likely to make the decision to use a condom or another barrier
if your partner has a different agenda. Having the conversation before you are in a sexual situation makes it more likely
you will be able to act according to your own boundaries and preferences.

So what's to talk about?

 Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs): This is actually an issue that all teenagers and adults must be aware of. Anybody
who engages in sexual activity is prone to have this one.
 Possibility of Pregnancy: Females who engage in sex have a high percentage of putting themselves in this kind of situation.
 Right time for sex: You can consider your current status as a student if it is really high time to be involved in this kind of
activity. Will this make or break your future?
 Boundaries: Making the decision to set your limits in a relationship shows your maturity to assert your priorities and
respecting yourself.

MAKING THE DECISION: DECIDING WHETHER OR NOT TO HAVE SEX

The decision of whether or not to have sex is up to you, and you alone. Therefore don’t be afraid to say "no" if that’s how
you feel. Having sex for the first time can be a huge emotional event. There are many questions and feelings that you may
want to sort out before you actually get "in the heat of the moment."
Ask yourself:
 Am I really ready to have sex?
 How am I going to feel after I have sex?
 Am I doing this for the right reasons?
 How do I plan to protect myself/my partner from sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy?
 How am I going to feel about my partner afterwards?

The best way to prepare for the decision to have sex is to become comfortable with communicating about your needs. If
you don’t feel right about something, say so! Anyone who challenges your choices about whether or not to have sex is not
giving you the respect that you deserve. Pay attention to your feelings, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for making
decisions that are right for you.

There are countless nonsexual ways to show someone you love them. You can show a person you care for them by spending
time with them. Go to the movies. Or just hang out and talk. If you are with someone you really like, then anything can be
fun.

There are also ways to feel physically close without having sex. These include everything from kissing and hugging to
touching each other. Just remember that if you're not careful these activities can lead to sex. Plan beforehand just how far
you want to go, and stick to your limits. It can be difficult to say "No" and mean it when things get hot and heavy.

TALKING TO YOUR PARENTS

You probably think that talking to your parents about sex is impossible. You're not alone; 83 percent of kids your age are
afraid to ask their parents about sex. Yet 51 percent of teens actually do. So... kids are not only talking to their parents
about sex, they're also benefiting from conversations they were afraid to have in the first place! Lucky them, right? The
truth is that most parents want to help their kids make smart decisions about sex. They know it's vital for teens to have
accurate information and sound advice to aid the decision-making process.

If you think your parents are really nervous about raising the issue, you're probably right. Many parents think that if they
acknowledge their child as a sexual being, their son or daughter will think it's okay to go ahead and have sex. They might
also be afraid that if they don't have all the answers, they'll look foolish. Some parents have said they're afraid kids will ask
personal questions about their sex life, questions they won't want to answer.

Think about all the adults in your life. Is there someone else's parent . . . a teacher or guidance counselor, coach, aunt,
uncle, neighbor or another adult you instinctively trust? That's the person who will give you straight answers.

Your friends really don't know any more than you do, no matter what they say about their sexual experience. The Internet,
and other media, can't give you everything you need. Only people who know you can do that. Peer pressure is always tough
to deal with, especially when it comes to sex. Some teenagers decide to have sexual relationships because their friends
think sex is cool. Others feel pressured by the person they are dating. Still others find it easier to give in and have sex than
to try to explain why not. Some teenagers get caught up in the romantic feelings and believe having sex is the best way
they can prove their love.

But remember: Not every person your age is having sex. Even if sometimes it feels like everyone is "doing it," it is important
to realize that this is not true. People often talk about sex in a casual manner, but this doesn't mean they are actually having
sex.

Knowing how you feel about yourself is the first big step in handling peer pressure. It's OK to want to enjoy your teen years
and all the fun times that can be had. It's OK to respect yourself enough to say, "No, I'm not ready to have sex."

How to avoid peer or date pressure

If you're worried about being pressured or you are currently experiencing it, know that you are not alone and there is
something you can do about it.
 Hang out with friends who also believe that it's OK to not be ready for sex yet.
 Go out with a group of friends rather than only your date.
 Introduce your friends to your parents.
 Invite your friends to your home.
 Stick up for your friends if they are being pressured to have sex.
 Think of what you would say in advance in case someone tries to pressure you.
 Always carry money for a telephone call or cab in case you feel uncomfortable.
 Be ready to call your mom, dad or a friend to pick you up if you need to leave a date.
 Never feel obligated to "pay someone back" with sex in return for a date or gift.
 Say "no" and mean "no" if that's how you feel.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL

In a survey of young people ages 15-24 by the Kaiser Family Foundation, 9 out of 10 people surveyed reported that their
peers use alcohol or illegal drugs before sex at least some of the time. Seven out of 10 also reported that condoms are not
always used when alcohol and drugs are involved. Twenty-nine percent of those teens and young adults surveyed said that
they've "done more" sexually while under the influence of drugs or alcohol than they normally would have when sober.

The effects of drugs and alcohol can make it hard to think clearly, let alone make the best possible decisions about sex.
While you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol it is easy to make a decision you'll regret later--decisions that can lead
to a sexually transmitted infection or an unwanted pregnancy. Even worse, there are some people who will use the effects
of alcohol and other drugs to force you into having sex with them.

Source: http://www.iwannaknow.org/teens/relationships/healthyrelationship.html

Reading: BASIC RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

• The right to emotional support
• The right to be heard by the other and to respond
• The right to have your own point of view, even if this differs from your partner's
• The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
• The right to live free from accusation and blame
• The right to live free from criticism and judgment
• The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
• The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
• The right to be respectfully asked, rather than ordered

In addition to these basic relationships rights, consider how you can develop patience, honesty, kindness, and respect.

Patience: Patience is essential to a healthy relationship. There are times when others will respond to us in a way that is disappointing.
When this occurs, it important to communicate our disappointment, but also to give the other person space. Be willing to give the person
some time to reflect, indicating that you are ready to talk when they are ready. If the person is never ready to discuss the situation, you
may need professional help to resolve the issue, or ask yourself whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Honesty: Honesty is another essential quality in healthy relationships. To build honesty in a relationship, you should communicate your
feelings openly, and expect the other person to do the same. Over time, this builds trust.

Kindness: Kindness is extremely important to maintaining healthy relationships. You need to be considerate of others' feelings and other
people need to be considerate of yours. Be kind when you communicate. Kindness will nurture your relationships. Note that being kind
does not necessarily mean being nice.
Respect: Respect is a cornerstone of all healthy relationships. If you don't have respect for another person, it will have a negative impact
on all of your interactions. Think of a time when you encountered someone who didn't respect you. How did it feel? What are some ways
that you show respect to others? Source:
http://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/activities/basic-rights-relationship