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    The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults
    The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults
    The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults
    Ebook187 pages2 hours

    The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults

    By Nick Casanova

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    About this ebook

    Have you ever wanted to lash out at someone but lacked the appropriate putdown? The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults takes a humorous approach to dealing with such annoying personalities as the drama queen, the wealth flaunter, the self-proclaimed brain, the temperamental twit, and the talkaholic. Recommended insults range from the subtle and seemingly unintended to the outright declaration of war. Both have a place in your arsenal.

    Had Machiavelli written a book on insults, this is the book he would have written. He would have suggested calmly wounding your enemy with a tailor made barb without coming across as if you've been wounded yourself. Often the best putdown is a comment which seems on the surface to be well intentioned. And ham-handed attempts to relate or sympathize can be the most effective ways of underlining your opponent's weaknesses. These are far more humiliating than any angry outburst could ever be. Learn how to eviscerate the proud homeowner, the would-be tough guy, the bully, the boastful parent, the second guesser, and many others.

    Machiavelli would also have suggested having these insults ready beforehand, since, despite the old clich, revenge tastes best when it is a dish served piping hot.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisheriUniverse
    Release dateJun 23, 2008
    ISBN9780595608249
    The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults
    Author

    Nick Casanova

    Nick Casanova doesn?t claim to be an exemplar of charm himself, but he is a keen-eyed observer of others and has known slick salesmen, expert flatterers, funny self-deprecators, artful flirts, and world-class womanizers. He has run across charm in its many guises, and he knows what works on him.

    Read more from Nick Casanova

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      Book preview

      The Machiavellian's Guide to Insults - Nick Casanova

      THE

      MACHIAVELLIAN’S

      GUIDE TO

      INSULTS

      Nick Casanova

      iUniverse, Inc.

      New York Bloomington Shanghai

      The Machiavellian’s Guide to Insults

      Copyright © 2008 by Nick Casanova

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any

      means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,

      taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written

      permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in

      critical articles and reviews.

      iUniverse

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.iuniverse.com

      1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid.

      The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      ISBN: 978-0-595-48729-5 (pbk)

      ISBN: 978-0-595-48876-6 (cloth)

      ISBN: 978-0-595-60824-9 (ebk)

      Contents

      Introduction

      PART I

      The Proud Owner of a New Car

      The Proud Homeowner

      Rich Man

      Poor Man

      Talk about Your Wealthy Friend

      The Professional

      The Wealth Flaunter

      The Proud Parent

      The Self-Proclaimed Brain

      The Aging Athlete

      The Tiresome Comedian

      The Tough Guy

      The Braggart

      The Person Who Thinks He’s Special

      Forget His Name

      Get Him Confused with Someone Else

      Make it Clear You’re Not Listening to Him

      Withhold Eye Contact

      PART II

      I Saw Someone Who Looks Exactly Like You!

      Fatso

      Skinny

      Short

      Tall

      Ugly

      Handsome

      Beautiful

      If You Know She’s Had Plastic Surgery

      Helpfully Suggest Plastic Surgery

      The Fashion Victim

      PART III

      His Girlfriend

      Her Boyfriend

      If He Has No Love Life

      If She Has a Slight Reputation

      The Man Who Frequents Strip Clubs

      The Unmarried Woman

      The Adulterer

      The Multiple Divorcee

      Gay Men

      Lesbians

      If He Thinks He’s a Stud

      PART IV

      The Temperamental Twit

      The Drama Queen

      The Pollyanna

      The Ass-Kisser

      The Hypochondriac

      The Neurotic

      Accuse Him of Being a Sociopath

      The Liar

      The Bully

      The Second-Guesser

      Mr./Mrs. Cute

      The Egocentrist

      PART v

      The Smoker

      The Moderate Social Drinker

      The Recovering Alcoholic

      The Talkaholic

      Mock Someone Else with the Same Achilles’ Heel

      Laud a Trait Your Victim Lacks

      Fear of Flying

      Oh—That’s So Sad"

      The Dog Lover

      The Hunter

      The Cliché User

      Mr. Repetitious

      The Plagiarist

      Should He Express an Unoriginal Opinion

      Democrats

      Republicans

      The Religious Zealot

      So You Belong to a Cult

      PART VI

      The Meaningless Compliment

      Qualify the Compliment

      Over-Praise Him

      Under-Praise Him

      I Know

      If He Gets Injured

      Castration Made Simple

      If He Shows You His Photographs

      Foreigners

      Foreigners from a Third World Country

      If English Is His Second Language

      If English Is His First Language

      Condescend

      Two Kinds of People

      Jocks

      The Cryptic Comment

      PART VII

      Make Him Feel Dumb

      The Handshake

      The Sigh

      Overshooting Your Victim’s Observation

      Praise His Rival

      You Need Medication

      Afterword

      For my brother Paul, who is far too diplomatic to say any of the things suggested herein

      Introduction 

      How often have you been faced with a confrontation where the best response you could come up with was to swear? Unfortunately, such words say more about you than your enemy. Far better to calmly wound him with a tailor-made barb aimed at one of his weaknesses, without coming across as if you’ve been affected yourself. It is often said that nobody wins a verbal fight, but this isn’t true: the winner is simply the one who sustains the least damage while inflicting the most.

      Often, the best putdown is the one that seems on the surface to be well-intentioned. Ham-handed attempts to relate or sympathize can be the most effective ways of underlining your opponent’s weaknesses. These are far more humiliating than any angry outburst could ever be. Insults, like flattery, work best when seemingly unintended. And if you act under the guise of friendliness, it makes it harder for your victim to retaliate. You can always, of course, be overtly antagonistic—but there’s no need to be. This book suggests a range of behaviors, from the subtle putdown to the outright declaration of war.

      All of this begs the question of why you would want to insult anyone. There are two sections of this book, Deflating Big Egos and Personality Types, which describe the kinds of people who deserve to be insulted: those with narcissistic personalities. The other sections mostly describe weaknesses—such as appearance—which can be used as leverage in any war of words. Nobody deserves to be savaged on the basis of his appearance, but if you are at war with your opponent because of his low character, his appearance—or his vices, or his love life—can all provide handy vehicles through which to reach him. If your victim is human (i.e., tall or short, skinny or fat, rich or poor), you will find ammunition here. In any case, you undoubtedly have your own reasons for wanting to insult somebody, not least of which is that he has insulted you.

      Niccolo Machiavelli, had he written a book on insults, would have told you to make sure they suited your opponent, to deliver them without a trace of anger in your voice. If you are obviously angry when you deliver an insult, your enemy will just ascribe it to your anger, and write it off. But if you deliver it in a calm, detached way, it will sting much more.

      Those to whom cattiness comes naturally do not need this book. But for those of you who sit and stew over a slight because you couldn’t think of the appropriate rejoinder at the moment, here are some weapons for your arsenal, to have ready at the appropriate moment. People often quote the old cliché about how revenge is a dish best served cold; in fact, it tastes best piping hot.

      The book will generally use the masculine gender, but this is simply a matter of form. And it will refer to your opponent as your victim—because that is what he will be if you follow the instructions herein.

      PART I 

      Deflating Big Egos

      The Proud Owner of a New Car 

      There’s nothing that proclaims our status—or our values—quite so immediately as a car, which is why so many people put so much stock in them. In our society, in a sense, you are your car. So when your victim proudly shows off his new automobile, this is a wonderful opportunity to put him down.

      Your first response should be, You like that color? He will say, Yeah, don’t you? Ifit’s an uncommon shade, respond, Well, it’s not a very popular color, that’s all. If it’s common, respond, It’s just that it’s the same color everybody else is getting these days.

      If your victim’s car is foreign, say, I’m patriotic enough to want to buy a car made in the U.S.A. Call me foolish, but that’s just the way I am. This should put him on the defensive. If your victim’s car is domestic, ask, Aren’t foreign cars supposed to be better built?

      If your victim’s car is big, ask, What kind of gas mileage does this thing get?

      Ask your victim if the car has an alarm system. If it doesn’t, say, I hear this is one of the most popular models with the chop shops.

      If your victim fancies himself a member of the intelligentsia, ask, Isn’t this the kind of car you normally see with a pair of Styrofoam dice hanging from the rearview mirror and a stencil of a naked girl on the side?

      Ask how much he paid for the car. Then say, Thirty-five thousand! I have a friend who got this exact same car for thirty. After your victim explains that this is the model with leather seats and a V-6, say, Yeah, he got those too. Shake your head and mutter, These dealers are such rip-off artists.

      If it’s a cheap car, nod judiciously and say, I guess there’s no point to wasting money on a fancy car. An econobox makes much more sense on your budget.

      If it’s an expensive car, take a different tack. After he lovingly demonstrates the sound system that holds six CDs, the mist control, the navigation system, the automatically dimming rearview mirror, and the retractable moon roof, just shrug and say, To me, a car is a just a way to get from point A to point B. I never felt I needed a car to affirm my identity.

      At this point, your victim will bridle and say something to the effect that he doesn’t either. Interrupt him: No, no, you don’t understand—all I’m saying is that I feel like a complete person without one.

      Conclude, Well, congratulations, I guess. You’re now a prime target for a carjacker.

      The Proud Homeowner 

      Some people are just a bit too proud of their houses. They actually think that their home is their castle—literally. If your victim suffers from this delusion, and ever gives you a tour of his castle, have some appropriate comments ready.

      If he informs you that the countertops are Corian, ask, Does that make the food taste better? If he points out that the faucets are gold-plated, ask, Does that make the water purer?

      The all-purpose response to any such point on the tour is, So what?

      Ask about termites. After your victim says he’s already had somebody in to check for them, tell him, Believe me, those guys don’t always know what they’re doing. Termites love a house like this. Look over there at that crack in the wall. That might be termites.

      Or, This whole area is high in radon because of all the bedrock.

      Is the groundwater in this area still contaminated, or have they cleaned that up?

      Ask your victim how much each of the furnishings cost.

      If you see a nice leather sofa, comment, It’s amazing how they can make Naugahyde look almost like leather these days.

      If you see dust, run your finger along wherever it has accumulated, then look at your finger with raised eyebrows. If there’s enough of it, write Clean me in it.

      If any paint is peeling, point out, I think you need a new coat over here.

      If your victim is a Martha Stewart wannabe, and takes pride in her ability to put the various elements of the house together, say, It always kills me when people think they’re being ‘creative’ by buying stuff for their house. If they were so creative, they’d write a book or paint a picture. What kind of creativity does it take to go shopping, for Crissakes?

      If your victim wants you to be impressed by the size of his house, oblige him: Wow, this is a real white elephant! What’s the upkeep on a place like this? After he replies, comment, Mark my words, you’re going to be a slave to this place. Cleaning, vacuuming, mowing the lawn. Ugh.

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