Prologue

Bethany Ford has had people who have pulled her down, made her feel worthless and they have told her that this book she has written was a form of retaliation.

But it’s not it’s a form of healing and helping people who are thinking what Bethany was thinking many years ago, people would laugh saying she has copied it when she hasn’t.

But Bethany sat thinking right my world is my oyster, I’m going to Write this book if it’s the last thing I do, people ought to think like me, don’t let people put you down, walk with pride and show the world that you aren’t worthless.

Some teachers I have had said in the past during my school days, said to me that I will never write a book because I’ll never get anywhere, which I felt so low and believed them.

But don’t listen to them because you’ll will prove them wrong and you’ll have the last laugh.

If you are thinking of writing a book it doesn’t matter what, go for it never mind what people say or think.

Don’t take things to heart like I did, because I wish I never did, I lost a lot of schooling through no fault of mine, but I’ll show people that I will prove I can do anything that they never said I could.

My mother kept on saying that I will never be a good mother, I have proved her wrong and I’m laughing at her now because I have still got my boys but she hasn’t got hers, they don’t want to know her because she left them alone when she left dad to live with Kelvin.

But I can say I did my best and that’s what I did, I have no regrets of having children, if I had my time again, I would have done the same because people just can not bare to see me happy and that’s what hurt them.

Bethany Ford lives in Nottingham near her sons; she hopes to travel the world one day in her life that’s her goal in life.

Chapter One

Hi I’m Bethany Ford, this is my story;

There’s a lot to tell of what I went through in my childhood to adulthood, I was mentally, physical, verbally, sexually abused and my parents were nasty, sadistically cruel towards me just because I was a girl. I will tell you how I have learnt how to cope with it all; it all began when I was born in September 1964, in Kings Mill Hospital, at five in the morning.

We lived at Old Mill Lane in Mansfield Woodhouse for a few years, mum stayed at home while she was heavily pregnant with me, dad worked driving long distant lorries.

Dad was also a gambler, going out boozing, going with other women, leaving mum with no money sometimes.

My mother is a sad, sadistic, cruel bitch; she never smiles but likes to nag at me or dad all day, telling lies about me to my dad when I was growing older.

She tells lies to people about me, so people feel sorry for her and I end up having a bad name, but when people find out what my mum is like they stay away from her, because she lies all the time and very two faced.

September 1964:

My father came to visit my mum Mavis and me, mum was moody and sad person, dad walked in, Are you ok, how is our baby doing? asked dad kissing mum on her cheek.

Oh that, it’s a bloody girl, I don’t want the baby, I wanted a boy, not a fucking girl, I might be thinking of leaving her here, but no she’ll be a slave she’ll pay, she will wish she hadn’t been born by the time I’m finished with her!. said my mum.

Oh come on Mavis, she’s our daughter, you don’t mean that I’m sure said dad.

I do mean it, she is going to have to earn her keep or she is out! said mum whispering to my dad.

Dad didn’t know what to say or do; he was holding my little hand while I was in my cot on the ward with other mother and babies.

I was sleeping in my cot like some babies do; I was sleeping a lot not like other babies seem to cry a lot.

Two years on.

When I was two years old, I was always a lone child and wondered off when the big side gate was open, I toddled down the busy main road, watching all the traffic passing through, people walking passed while mum and dad was watching telly. I went on my little journey, I walked in to the corner shop taking a small bottle of pop and a chocolate bar then walked out and carried on my journey eating them on my way, how I crossed the busy main roads I don’t know but I kept on walking until I bumped into this couple, they knew me even though I didn’t know them, hey where do you think your going, hey where’s your mother and father, so where do you think you are going?! asked this man looking around if he could see my mother and father.

I’m going to Grandma’s I answered to the couple.

Oh no you’re not girl, where’s your mum and dad hey?! asked the man.

At home I told the man.

So he picked me up and he took me back home, you’re going home lady, you shouldn’t be on your own, your only two said the man.

I was going to Grandma’s I told the man.

No you’re not, you’re going home to your mother and father, you only got as far as the Cemetery gates then I saw you, come on you’re going home to your mother and father said the man.

The man picked me up carrying me home, I arrived home, the man knocked on the back door, mum answered, Hello duck, come in mum said to the couple,

Is Dennis in Mavis? I have brought Bethany back, she said she was going to Grandma’s and far as she got was the Cemetery gates when she bumped into us, we asked where you and Dennis was then she say’s at home, so I picked her up and brought her back here to you. the man told my mum and dad.

Oh she’s a bugger you know, if she see’s the gate open she’s off, but anyway thanks for bringing her back Sid

That’s alright; keep an eye on her, the wanderer! Sid said to my mum and dad.

Anyway thanks again Sid, I’ll see you at work Monday! Replied my dad.

That’s ok, see you then bye! said Sid leaving our back yard with his wife.

I stayed in because I was grounded I sat on the sofa playing with my toys.

What were you going to Grandma’s for?! asked dad.

I wanted to go and see her I told dad.

You will go when we take you, you stay here with us and you don’t go through that gate. Now you can stay in where we can see you! dad told me.

So now I was stuck in the house, I was allowed out when mum was pegging the washing out or dad doing the small garden, or I was in my bedroom or the lounge with toys to play with, others kids weren’t bothered about me, well why should they. They have their own friends to play with, sometimes I get bored and fed-up or I’ll fall asleep.

I didn’t know what to do even I’m two years old, but one day I got a screw driver and I was digging it in the wall the plaster came away, I kept on doing it got bigger and bigger every time I did it, I noticed it came to the brick work, then mum noticed it she gave me a thrashing for it, my bum was black and blue. I didn’t sit properly for a week, I even got a good hiding off my dad, when mum showed him the mess I made of the wall so then he took off his belt and hit me cross my legs. They had to hide the hole behind the wardrobe, mum and dad was very angry with me.

We had a black cat called Smokey, mum thought the world of it, some times he got on my bed at night, purring away he was, we had him when he was a kitten, I used to play with him until he got older then he wanted to go out and he some times went away for a couple of days.

Dad was at work a lot, which left me and my mum, I got up one morning, looking out my bedroom window watching mum pegging out the washing, then she came in washing some of the dishes from the night before.

Go and play on the yard and stay on the yard or you will be smacked, do you hear me, you wander off if you dare, go on… play in the yard!! mum told me shouting at me.

So I played by myself in the yard where I had a rocking horse on the back garden, I sat in my rocking horse looking at my picture book, the birds flying past me, Smokey came towards me Meowing, I stroked him and he then went off somewhere. I saw a plane flying past high up in the sky, I watched it until it got smaller and disappeared in the clouds hiding it, I carried on looking at my picture book.

One day I had to stop at Grandma’s for a short while I didn’t know why, but mum’s belly was big she had to go into hospital, Grandma told me that my mother is going into hospital. I was to have a brother or a sister soon, Bethany, mum’s going to have a baby, you’re going to have a brother or a sister soon, you have to be good now mum will have the baby to look after, now you will help her to look after the baby, you’re a big girl now Grandma said to me, but I didn’t understand I was two and half years old.

Where did mum get the baby from Grandma? I asked Grandma.

From the baby shop, where you came from Grandma told me.

A week later, mum went home, I was looking for the baby but it wasn’t there, "mum where’s the baby? Did you forget it and went home instead? I asked mum, I was waiting for the answer, I stood beside mum and she was crying but I did not understanding why.

Mum looked up at me, she was very angry towards me, go and play mum told me she shoved me away, I started to cry, I tried to get a cuddle from mum but she shoved me away again, I fell on the floor, so I got up and went to my room sobbing, I laid on my bed and fell asleep.

I woke up an hour later and went to the bedroom window, it started to rain I saw mum getting the wet washing in she looked so sullen and angry, I wondered why mum was so sad and angry so I put on my house coat and slippers. Then I walked slowly downstairs I was longing for mum’s love, but every time I wanted a cuddle I was shoved away she say’s Oh go and play, out of the road and leave me alone I fell on the floor again I was hungry and wanting a drink, mum I want a drink and I’m hungry I told her rubbing my tummy.

Go and play… you’ll get your dinner later now just go you bastard, well go on!! mum warned me. I cried again. I went upstairs and took off my nappy, I was sore, I tried to wash myself down in cold water and I tried to rinse the wet nappy in the bath and then I tried to wring it out with my little hands but it still was dripping wet so I left it there to drain all the water away.

So I went to my room and put on my pants and trousers to keep warm.

Then I just played with my dolls, if I get fed-up with the dolls, I’d do jigsaws which are Cats, rabbits and farm animals.

A few hours later Bethany, Bethany mum shouts me.

Yes mum I answered.

Come and get your dinner now, it’s getting cold, come on! mum shouts me; I came down slowly I was so scared I didn’t know what to expect at that time.

Where’s your nappy gone? mum shouted at me.

I took it off, I was sore and I tried to wash myself with cold water and soap, I rinsed the wet nappy in the bath it smells I told mum.

You better have cleaned yourself properly or you’ll get some slipper across your backside, show me where you left the wet nappy, come on!!! said mum shouting at me, I knew then I was going to get a beating with the slipper because of it.

So we went up to the bathroom, I shown mum where the nappy was and she picked it up and squeezed it out and belted me with it, I screamed my lungs out my legs were bruised as well as my arms and back.

Don’t do it again or you’ll get some more you dirty bastard, you should have died at birth now you will not use nappies now and if you do wet the bed I’ll rub your ugly face in it, I mean it!! Mum warned me showing her fist in my face, I saw the hateful look on my mum’s face.

I was trembling, I sobbed, I was so scared, go and get your dinner now and stay out of my sight or you will get more! Mum warned me, I went down to eat my dinner and drink my tea, it was mash potatoes and sausages with peas.

After I had my dinner, I went to my room, I needed to be safe, why was mum so full anger and hate towards me? I asked myself.

Every time I hear her come upstairs, I used to hide under the bed until she went back down again, I could hear my heart beating, just incase I get another beating, dad was never around he drove lorries long distance, he used to bring me colouring books, dolls, crayons, tea-sets, but when dad went back to work, mum would burn them in front of me, I sobbed for them back but mum wouldn’t let me have them, I was made to watch them burn until they were gone, I only went to the toilet when I left them, I came back mum piled them up, right lady you are going to watch these being burnt until they are gone, everyone of your toys are going on the fire and you are going to watch them burn! mum told me being so cruel and nasty, then she burned them one by one, saying "this is going on the fire and this one and that, she grinned doing that and made me watch them being burnt, I sobbed my heart out tried to save them but I couldn’t and then I had no toys left to play with, then she started to pull my hair out, she used to pick me up by my hair until it was pulled out, I had bald patches all over my head were she pulled out my hair.

I used to have my face rubbed in cat poo when the cat messed in the kitchen. I was told to let the cat out, but I wasn’t tall enough to open the door, just because I put one of the chairs up to the back door to climb up to open the door, I got a good hiding for that.

Two weeks later, great Auntie Ruth came to see us, she noticed some bruises on my arms but never said anything to mum, she looked at them while mum made the teas, I got told that my baby sister Katie had died. I had to stay with my dad’s mum, my Grandma Joan for a while, they buried baby Katie, she died with heart failure a few weeks after she was born.

What I didn’t understand why mum was angry and nasty towards me, saying I should have died not the other baby, how can a mother say that to her child? but I felt safe with grandma Joan, I was always by myself so I made myself a imaginary friend called Mary, why I don’t know, maybe it’s just the way it was then, I was always playing by myself and some times I wander off, grandma Joan was busy preparing the dinner, she looked after granddad Donald, I nick named him Canker, because he used to say to me ‘you little tinker’ but I tried to say but couldn’t instead I called him Canker everytime I went to see my grandparents, but I had to stay for a few weeks until my other grandma took over my care. While I was at my grandparents, I used to play outside, my grandma was so busy looking after my granddad Canker he was ill with stomach cancer, so I decided to wandered off, I went in this garden, it was the nicest garden I ever saw, with roses, daisies and other pretty coloured flowers.

I wandered there and looked at the pretty flowers, I saw a cat, he was like a tiger in ginger, he was meowing I so stroked him, he laid down and he wanted me to stroke his belly, so I did, he was going to sleep, it was so breezy.

I heard my name called and yet there was no-one there. It sounded like a soft whisper in the breeze, some what I felt safe, I was in a place, somewhere of protection, it was my dreamland as I called it, but this old woman came out she saw me stroking her cat, hello little girl, where are you from? Asked the old woman with a smile on her sweet face.

I’m Bethany I was looking at the pretty flowers, I like your cat, is it a boy or a girl cat? I asked the old woman.

It’s a boy cat, do you like him? The old woman asked smiling at me.

Yes he’s lovely, he likes his belly rubbed though, I love this garden its like heaven I told the old woman, she laughed.

Is it really? Have you got a garden? The old woman asked me she was always smiling.

Well… yes but it’s not as nice as yours though I told the old woman, she smiled she was in her eighties I think.

I have to go now; can I see your garden again and stroke the cat? I asked her.

Why not, it’s nice to have company these days, you see Bethany, it is Bethany isn’t it? The old woman asked.

Yes my name is Bethany I told the old woman.

You see Bethany, I’m on my own now my husband died three years ago, but the cat keeps me company now days, I’m eighty-six now I don’t see many people now, but you can come again some day the old woman told me.

I’ve got to go now, see you again bye. I said, waving good bye as I went, then the old woman waved back.

Some things were confusing and I didn’t really understand, I went back to grandma’s house; and went back through the gate into the back garden.

I sat down on the lawn, grandma never knew I wandered off, she came out to peg the washing on the washing line, are you coming in for a drink Bethany and have something to eat? my grandma asked.

Yes please grandma, I’m hungry I said, I got up and went inside. Grandma came in after pegging the washing and then did some sandwiches and orange pop; Granddad was asleep with the newspaper on his face in the lounge.

A week later; I was back with mum again, Dad was home as well, he bought me a doll and brought it home with him, it had short dark hair, brown eyes, she had a blue dress on with a floral pattern on it, white socks, black shoes, it was an E.v.o.l doll, it was an angel doll that protects you, I loved this doll I carried it all over with me, But dad had to go back to work again he was long-distance lorry driving, now it was Just me and mum, but before that mum and dad put my name down for starting school when I’m five years old.

Two years on, I was moving to a new house, Mum was packing some of the things and boxed them up to take to the new house, it was a new built house, and behind the house was where they are still building more houses.

I watch them building more new houses; I watched them for hours from my bedroom window.

One month on; I met some friends and started to go out to their houses, we took it in turns, like Betty went to my house and I went to hers, we became friends, I even stayed for tea on several occasions but I wasn’t allowed to except any gifts from them.

Betty gave me a little handbag she didn’t want it, she and her mother Jean was clearing some stuff out, Betty came across this bag, I took it home and put it in my room, I forgot about it, until one month later mum found it, where did you get this from? mum asked me.

Betty gave it to me, she said I could have it I told mum.

What have I told about accepting gifts, you were told not to except them didn’t I?!! mum shouted at me Yes mum you did so mum started to beat me in anger.

Then I was beaten with mum’s slipper across my bare legs until they were bruised, I screamed my lungs out begging her to stop it was so painful it nearly made me sick, I was made to take it back, so I had to go to take it back, I knocked on Betty’s door. Betty answered it, I told I had to give it back or I’ll get another beating with the slipper, she could see I was sobering.

Look Betty take it back please or I’ll get another beating if you don’t I told Betty.

"Bethany it’s yours, you can have it, keep it it’s yours, anyway I’ll see you tomorrow Bethany.

I’ve got to go bye" said Betty she closed the door, I just left it there and went back home. I knew I get another beating for taking it in the first place, I was beaten over my head with mum’s slipper. I had swollen lumps where I was hit, and it made me sick through it, I was told to stay in my room from ten in morning and had nothing to eat or drink unless I drank some water from the bathroom, I didn’t eat until the next day.

I used to wander off to the shops and help myself to pop, crisps, chocolate, cakes and also sweets, then when I was hungry, I came home. I just walked in and I was dragged in the lounge by my hair, mum shouted where have you been?!!! Asked mum she was so angry and still had hold of my hair, where have you been, you’ve been three hours, so where have you been, come on I want to know?!!! mum asked me again in a hateful angry manner shouting at me.

I went to look around the shops I told mum.

What by yourself hey? by yourself you bastard!!! mum asked me shouting at me in a raging temper.

Yes I did I told mum, I was so scared I knew I was in for a beating for taking off, mum took off her slipper and thrashed me with it until I was black and blue from head to toe for half an hour, I screamed my lungs out I couldn’t stand the terrible pain I was nearly sick, I nearly wet myself through fear.

That’s for taking off, next time don’t or you’ll get some more slipper now get out of my sight, before I lose my temper!! mum warned me.

I went up to my room I walked in, I just sat there looking at the four walls, I must have fallen asleep.

One night I was put to bed early, I was sleep and then I woke up, I went to the toilet and when I finished I noticed lights were on, it was quiet, the telly wasn’t on, so I went down to the lounge and looked to see if mum had fallen asleep but no-one was in, I looked around shouting mummy but no sign on her.

I went up to my room and put on my slippers and house coat, I went downstairs and opened the front door to go out looking for mummy, it was so dark outside, but I toddled off just looking for her. I turned the corner, there was this man and woman just got out of their car, hey little girl where are you going at this time of night, you should be in bed now, where is your mum and dad? asked the man.

My dad works away, but mum has gone out, I don’t know where she is, I was looking for her I told the man, he had dark combed back hair, dark skin, slim build, tall and the woman had shoulder length light brown hair and slim.

The man picked me up to take me back home and said show me where you live sweetheart, come on and we will put you back in bed said the man, he even noticed I was covered in bruises but didn’t ask me.

I’m I in trouble? I asked I was scared.

No you’re not in trouble sweet heart; it’s your mother who’s in trouble, she shouldn’t have gone out leaving you like she has, how old are you sweetheart? asked the man.

I only four and a half I told the man.

Four and a half? asked the man.

Yes I am I told the man

He wasn’t impressed infact he was disgusted.

That’s my house, there look I told the man, I pointed to the house.

Ok then but let’s get you in bed said the man, the woman said Is her mother there Jack? she asked just to see.

No she isn’t I have looked the man said.

Has she gone out and left that poor kid on her own, anything could have happened, fancy leaving a four and half year old child alone in the house like that, what sort of a mother is she? asked the woman being concerned.

I wish I knew anyway I’ll put her to bed now said the man to the woman and I was put to bed.

After I was asleep the couple must have waited until mum came back home, it turned out she went to some parties with a few blokes while dad worked away and left me alone in the house.

Next morning, I was woken up by being thrashed with her slipper across my bare legs; I woke up screaming the pain was very painful, I tried to get away but couldn’t my legs were shaking through pain even my hands were in pain, That’s for going out looking for me last night, your no child of mine, you should have died at birth, your just a horrible little girl now stay out of my sight or you’ll get some more slipper!! mum warned me, she waved the slipper at me while I sobbed in pain and she walked out of my room.

One month later after Christmas, Dad came home but things didn’t change for the better it got worse, I got good hidings through mum telling dad lies, many of times I had to stay in the lounge when mum and dad went to bed for a few hours, I was alone in the lounge with a roaring coal fire with no fire guard either.

The telly was still turned on, but I wasn’t interested because there wasn’t anything for me to watch, so I laid on the sofa looking at the fire because I didn’t know what else to do.

Then I decided to get up from the sofa and look out of the lounge window, watching people come and go, I was bored and fed up. I had a desk and stool but they was up in my room, I could have gone up to my room but I was scared of another beating so I never bothered.

On one occasion when we had a dog, dad used to get hold of my foot and torment the dog with it, so the dog would bite my heel, causing it to bleed thinking it was a joke, even though I was screaming in pain there was blood all over the place, mum just sat there laughing while watching and never tried to stop it. My heel was sore for a while and then on several occasions, when I get up in the morning and I go down to the lounge to my dad, because he makes the coal fire, I walk in the lounge in my pyjamas and slippers, soon as I walked in do you want me to smash your face in for you?!! my dad asked me waving his fist at me, it scared me I shouted, No! and then I went up to my room out of the way, I knew dad wasn’t joking either I could tell by his face.

When I wanted Betty to call for me, she never does because she always goes to her grandma’s.

Telly wasn’t any use either and Smokey wasn’t there he was out and wished he kept me company when I needed him.

I was a child who stood in everyone’s way, sometimes I felt invisible when people just ignore me and just walk past me.

I was beginning to wonder what my life was going to be, hoping I would make mum and dad proud but that won’t be the case, mum and dad would never be proud of me because I was a disappointment to them, they often tell me they wished I was dead. Many times, they had a blazing argument when I was in the way having hot cup of tea or water thrown at me when I stood at the kitchen door, when I move away, the tea hits the door. I got thrashed and been told to clean it up.

I had to climb on to a chair to reach for the dish cloth to wipe off the tea from the kitchen door and the floor; I then put the cloth in the sink and putting the chair back.

One afternoon dad had to watch me while mum went out, dad was laid on the sofa in the lounge being asleep, I tried to wake him up and when I did by touching his feet, he kicked me so hard I crashed in to the wall near the window, when I bumped my head, I cried out loud in pain and two minutes later dad got up and picked me up as I was rubbing my head screaming my lungs out.

My head had a big lump which was painful to touch; I know now not to touch dad’s feet when I tried to wake him.

I am better off with another family because I was dragged from pillar to post every time; I had to speak when spoken to.

I suffered with tonsillitis a lot, I couldn’t swallow and when I did it hurt like mad because they had swollen up, I was taken to see the doctors.

Mum always got tablets for me, I had trouble swallowing them and wished it was liquid instead tablets; I was beaten for not swallowing the tablets.

My mother and father were good at thrashing me but not good at teaching me from right and wrong.

I couldn’t tell my mum and dad anything because they wouldn’t listen to me; it was a waste of time and learnt to keep things to myself.

I had to learn right from wrong by myself because mum and dad never taught me, I had to guess but I had to find out the hard way when I start school in September, when I did something wrong the teacher slapped my legs for not putting things in the right place, which I forgot even though I was shown once.

I wanted to ask but I was scared to because when I asked mum or dad when they was at home, they used to hit me through asking them or they would shout at me for asking them just because I wasn’t sure, I thought it was the same in school.

One evening Tom and Vera babysat while my mother and father went out, now Vera had seen how mum treated me, she did the same so she pulled my hair a lot if I didn’t listen even she knew I was deaf, she even pulled my hair out in front of my mum, mum sat there and watched. Vera thought it was a joke laughing all the time, I cried begging her to stop, she threw the hair she pulled out on the coal and all mum said was Well you shouldn’t let her then should you?!

I was only four years old at the time, Vera thought it was funny as she smirked at mum.

September 1969:

I went to school to meet my new teacher, I would start full time school after the weekend and I spent a few hours there, mum couldn’t wait and dad still worked away.

I have seen different blokes coming to the house, or mum’s out going to parties while I am on my own in the house, scared to go out like last time. I just stayed in bed because mum threatened me if I did that again, then I would be thrashed within an inch of my life so I did what mum told me,I was scared just in-case anything would happen, if it did mum couldn’t have cared less.

Mum wrote a letter to a friend who moved away abroad and she left the new address, mum couldn’t spell or read the friends writing on the piece of paper, so she wrote the address wrong and sent it, she waited for her write back after that.

Then nine months later, the letter went around China and Spain, Germany, France, Holland and then it went to New Zealand and Japan before the letter came back to mum.

One morning mum was in such a bad mood, when I went in to the kitchen when mum was washing the clothes, she then threw some hot wet washing at me and it missed, I ran up to my room.

I was so confused, mixed up and always in trouble.

I started back to school; I wasn’t keen on my new teacher, that day in class I decided to paint.

Can I paint a picture today? I asked the teacher, I then noticed she wasn’t impressed with me.

You should have said, may I paint a picture today please? where’s your manners? have you left them at home today hey?!! the teacher told me in anger, I started to cry.

Don’t you know your manners… hasn’t your mother taught you any manners hey?!! the teacher asked me. What are manners? I asked, then, everyone laughed at me in the classroom, I was scared incase the kids set in to me like my mum and dad does.

What manners mean… it means when you ask for something you say please and when they give you something or put something in your hand you then say thank you, that’s what manners are. Didn’t your mother and father tell you that?! the teacher asked me.

No they didn’t I told the teacher.

So if I wasn’t sure is it alright to ask? I asked the teacher.

Yes it’s alright and ask for help when you need it as well so now you know! the teacher told me she always shouts when she tells me something.

I then know that I was mixed up in my mind because the teacher tells me something and then mum tells me something different on the same subject so I didn’t know what to think. One afternoon while I was at home, dad said something to me which I didn’t understand then next he was beating me with a dog chain and I was covered in bruises, I was black and blue all over and my parents thought nothing of it, even people have noticed when I go out to play or at school they have seen me covered all over in black and blue bruises.

I was so mixed up I didn’t understand things or understand when people speak to me, I didn’t know how to speak to them because with me turning deaf I couldn’t speak properly, because of that mum and dad used to beat me through it, because they were taking the piss out of me in front of company, because I laughed with them I had a biggest thrashing of my life, I wondered why because I thought they were having a laugh with me but found out they wasn’t. My parents were ashamed of me being like that so it shook me up and scared me, so if I tried to speak properly to people, if I didn’t say it right then dad would set in to me while mum watched me get beating. I found it hard to speak properly, all I did was smile and look down at the floor because I didn’t know how to put it into grammar, such as if they say, Who are you? or How are you? I wouldn’t understand them and then I just smile and look at the carpet as my mind went blank.

When I urinated on the floor, mum would rub my face in it; I was only two then, she then put me back in bed and just left me there.

Chapter Two

One weekend I stopped at my grandma’s, Dora Falmer was my mum’s mum. When mum went to hospital I noticed she had a big swollen belly, but I was told that I have a baby sister called Mandy. Mandy was very ill in hospital, grandma came back home with me because she had to look after me and get me up for starting school Monday morning. So grandma had to stop a few days, because mum will be in hospital for a short while.

I never felt so safe, I wanted to tell grandma how mum was treating me, but I didn’t know how to, I tried so many times but the words never came out, would grandma listen to me? would she believe me? I would like to know but I was scared to find out.

Some times I get fed-up and bored, I’m always by myself even if I go up to my room, I even felt lonely and lost, sometimes I didn’t know who I was or where I was, everything seems bleak to me. I’m sometimes confused not understanding every day life.

On sunday grandma cooked a roast beef and Yorkshire pudding dinner followed with Apple pie and Custard, we sat at the table and ate it, the beef was so tasty it was tender and roast potatoes were so nice which I loved, after lunch we went to watch a film.

There was always a film on Sunday afternoons, I look around the lounge wondering if I did have a sister, we would play together? Grandma would it be nice to have a sister so we can play together, I seem to be lonely on my own? I asked Grandma.

It would be nice Bethany, but you may have a brother yet, you will have to wait and see, why? You’d like a sister wouldn’t you? Grandma asked me with a smile on her face.

Yeah I would so when we are older, we can go everywhere together like most sisters do I said to grandma with a happy smile on my face, she gave me a hug she must have known I felt lost and alone.

Then came tea time grandma would make sandwiches, a slice of cake and some pop, grandma starts to tidy up, getting my new clothes ready for school because in a short while she would run a bath for me, I get bathed ready for starting a new school. I was looking forward to it, so grandma shouted for me to go upstairs, my bath was ready, so up I went, got undressed and got in the bath, grandma bathed me, after I got out and got dried, I put on my pajamas and my pink fluffy slippers, went to watch TV for a while, grandma was tidying things up. Where’s your tea-set I got you? asked Grandma, I looked at grandma thinking what to I tell her.

Mum burnt them for not putting them away I told her.

Why would she do that? asked grandma.

She does, she doesn’t like me having any things to play with I told her.

Why is that? asked grandma.

I don’t know I told her, but I know she wouldn’t understand that’s why I don’t say anything to her because she would have a word with mum, mum would lie so she would believe mum and not me.

I watched TV until seven that evening, then when I went up to my room, I was told that I have a sister but she is very ill, she had heart trouble, she has to stay in for a while, I was sad because Mandy was so ill. Bethany don’t get upset, she will get better, Mandy will be home shortly so go to sleep said grandma putting me to bed, she kissed me saying good night turning off the bedroom light and closing my bedroom door, I turned over and fell asleep.

Bethany, Bethany said grandma she tried to wake me for school that morning.

Yes grandma I answered her, It’s time to get up for school, its half past seven, get up… let’s get you washed and dressed, then I’ll do your breakfast said Grandma. So I got out of bed, went to the bathroom, grandma got me washed and then dressed, after we went down to the kitchen. I sat at the table still half asleep; grandma boiled me an egg and toast. I dipped it in my yoke and I drank my tea, don’t wipe your face on your sleeve said grandma.

I won’t grandma, I’ll wipe it on the towel I said to her.

Are you nervous Bethany it’s your first day at school? asked grandma.

I am a bit I told grandma.

You will like it there, you’ll learn how to read and write, you’ll meet new friends, you be in a classroom with other boys and girls, teacher will read some stories before you lot go home grandma told me.

We left the house at half past eight, we walked to school, it was so cold, it was like a frosty morning being white over, we had to be careful because it was slippery under foot, so we walked slowly, it was very foggy and we had to be careful not to fall on the road while cars are driving past. I was all wrapped up but I felt the cold until we were in class after the school bell rang.

Ten minutes later, we were in school, grandma kissed me good bye and see you after school said grandma she waved goodbye at me and left.

I had to sit at my desk, other boys and girls sat in theirs, I started to cry because I wanted to go home, Bethany what are you crying for? asked Mrs. Yews, when she came towards me.

I want my mummy I cried out loud.

Bethany don’t be a cry baby, you see your mum later on after school, stop crying will you or I’ll slap you, now wipe your tears and be quiet Mrs. Yews told me in a very firm voice.

Even another girl started to cry asking for her mummy, who she also told to stop crying, she tried to get her coat and leave but Mrs. Yews stopped her and made her sit at her desk, the girl was sobbing, she wouldn’t join in with the class.

We all had to learn how to write our own names on a black board the other girl sat at her desk sobbing wanting her mother. It was a big thing starting school even I found it hard to settle, some boys were rough when they played with you, the girls seemed to walk around the playground with the teacher, while teachers drank a coffee or a tea. they used a cup and saucer because mugs were hardly used then.

Every day we all had to go to assembly after registration the hall was very large, we all sat on the polished wooden floors and listening to the teachers, we sung songs whilst a teacher played the piano, I tried to sing but pretended to sing because I didn’t reckon much to it anyway.

I couldn’t wait for it to end; we always stood up to sing and then sat back on the floor. The floor was cold and hard, I couldn’t sit still, I didn’t understand what the teacher was going on about, to me I didn’t care either.

An hour after, we went back to our classrooms, we had to learn to read, I found it really hard, I found it so hard because I didn’t understand the words, I was told them many of times but I forgot, I stood at teacher’s desk, Bethany you have just said it, come on what’s that word? asked Mrs. Yews.

Errm, up, here? I said to the teacher, she shook her head to say no.

Bethany you know that word, its down, remember that it’s down, so what’s the word? doesn’t your mother teach you to read? doesn’t she sit with you and learn you? asked Mrs. Yews.

No, my mum’s not there, it’s my grandma who’s looking after me I told Mrs. Yews.

Why isn’t she there, she should be, why isn’t she?!! asked Mrs. Yews shouting at me, I could see she was angry.

She is in hospital with my sister Mandy, because my sister Mandy is ill in hospital with heart disease, she was born with it, she’s hasn’t long to live I told Mrs. Yews.

That makes no difference, she should teach you to read or don’t you listen?!! Mrs. Yews looked so cross at me because I didn’t understand why.

"Look come on Bethany ford, remember those words they are important to you, its down so remember.

Remember, so what’s that down?" asked Mrs.Yews I forgot it again.

I was slapped hard back of my thigh which I cried rubbing my leg where she slapped me.

What’s that word, come on learn them, tell me what that word said!!! said Mrs.Yews, she was shouting at me losing her rag.

Every slap got harder if I couldn’t say it, say that word Bethany come on, say it, listen to me, the word is down, down, oh go and sit back at your desk will you, you’re a bad girl!! shouted Mrs. Yews when she thrown my book across the classroom. I went to pick it up and sat back at my desk I was crying, I had more slaps off Mrs. Yews when the months went by.

Mrs. Yews picked on me, I started to lip read, drawing a picture of my grandma and I walking in the park with grandma pushing me on the swings, I had a smile on my face, it was a clear, cold day with sun poking through the trees, then I painted it, I was in a world of my own, then there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned to look at a boy, he told me that Mrs. Yews was calling me to read to her again. I was scared of her slapping me again, I found it very hard because I never heard her call me, Mrs. Yews thought I was ignoring her on purpose but I wasn’t, I got up from my desk and came up towards her. I called you three times Bethany, three times, why didn’t you come?!! asked Mrs. Yews she was shouting at me as the class went quiet.

I didn’t hear you Mrs. Yews I told her, she hit my wrist with a wooden ruler.

Rubbish girl you’re stupid because you don’t listen, you do it on purpose, I’m sure you do!! said Mrs. Yews shouts poking at my head.

Right turn to page five and read to me Mrs. Yews told me, I misunderstood her, pardon Mrs. Yews I asked her.

Your on page five, turn to page five, listen you stupid girl listen, turn to page five now, come on before I’ll lose my temper, to turn page five!! shouted Mrs. Yews, shouting at the top of her voice, I shook in fear as she started to punch me just because I couldn’t say some words, every time I couldn’t say a word I got a punch to my left side of my back, every punch got harder then I cried out loud with every hard punch, after half an hour she lost her temper and threw my book across the classroom. I was told to sit back at my desk after I picked up my book.

I’m losing my patience with you, stupid girl; you don’t listen, oh go back to your desk and pick this up first!!! She shouted at me. I was sobbing.

I hated Mrs. Yews; she didn’t have patience with me because I was slow at learning things.

The next day we went to assembly after registration and we all had to sit on the cold wooden floor, Miss Ashton played the piano that day, she was a big woman, with grayish hair in a bun, she wore no make-up and wore a plain green dress with black lace up shoes, she looked mean and horrible with her fearless deep brown eyes.

We all had to stand and sing out loud, I pretended to sing I still didn’t know the songs, after the songs we all sat there listening to boring subjects which I didn’t understand.

An hour after the assembly we went back into the classroom, Bethany Ford come to the desk please now Mrs. Yews.

I got up from my desk and went to see Mrs. Yews at her desk, why wasn’t you sing properly? I never heard you, you wasn’t listening was you? well was you? look Bethany stop making excuses now will you, so why wasn’t you singing properly? why no excuses, why?!! asked Mrs. Yews yelling at me, I shook with fear knowing that I will be punched or slapped.

I was, but I didn’t know the songs I couldn’t say the words to the songs I told Mrs. Yews.

Look Bethany Ford she said, then paused holding her face in her hands.

Look Bethany stop your excuses and start listening, I’m getting tired of talking to you, look at me when I’m talking to you, look listen, look at me I’m talking to you, look at me, do you understand, listen and watch my lips, I’m getting tired of talking to you… if you listen… . You would learn a lot more Bethany so just listen, no more excuses!!! shouted Mrs. Yews, as she tried to get through to me.

Excuses, what does that mean? I asked Mrs. Yews.

It mean you can’t be bother to learn, telling us you don’t understand and you do, you refuse to listen, if I call you sitting at your desk, you don’t answer, you’re not listening, I have to shout at you to get your attention, why do you think that someone had to tap you on your shoulder so you get up from your desk and come to my desk to read to me, you’re reading isn’t very good, I’m trying to help here, your not deaf your refusing to listen, you can listen if you want to, its that you just can’t be bother to stop, look and listen, now go and get some reading done at your desk, you’ll be reading to me later, so go and start reading now, off you go said Mrs. Yews.

Three months later mum was home, she had Mandy with her, so I said good bye to grandma, I didn’t want my grandma to leave, I felt sad when she went home, I never felt so sad as I didn’t have grandma around anymore.

I was ignored when Mandy was at home, my dad was home as well, I thought things would change for the better but they went from bad to worse.

I started to wet bed regular, I was a nervous child not knowing what to expect in life, it was so cold and bleak, I had no hopes or dreams.

I was woken with a beating because I wet the bed, I must have done it in my sleep, which was beyond my control.

I just couldn’t control my bed wetting, I tried to explain to mum and dad but they didn’t listen.

You dirty little bastard, wetting the bed, your five years old now not five months, wet bed again and you’ll get more than that!!! mum warned me, I sobbed as dad slapped me hard across my backside, he woke me up I screamed my lungs out, I got out of bed so quick I shook with the pain, it stung that bad.

I sobbed myself back to sleep, I was always covered in bruises on my body even the teachers noticed them, but I know I’m always a walking punch bag to my parents.

I was pushed out of love, I went to dad for a hug, he shoved me away shouts go and play or I’ll smash your ugly face in!! dad then looked at mum so I went to my room, I was so fed-up so I went down to mum for a hug, I was shoved away, she shouts, piss-off, go and play!! then dad came in and slapped me across my face I told you to go and play, now go and stop bugging us he shouted at me then I ran up to my room.

I was on my own with no-one to play with so I went downstairs and I asked, Mum can I play out and can I call for Wendy across the road. Betty’s out tonight? I waited for an answer but mum ignored me, so I kept on asking.

Mum can I call for Wendy because Betty is out tonight, can I call for her?

No you can’t its getting dark in a bit you’ll be in bed soon mum told me, so I went back up to my room, I didn’t know what to do.

I looked out of my bedroom window and watched people come and go as some of them were walking their dogs, cars and buses drove past as people came home from work.

It was Christmas, which I didn’t know until the tree was put up with all the trimmings, Mandy got all the attention, well I didn’t mind because she was ill so I took second place, Look Mandy, look pretties isn’t it pretty Mandy, it’s pretty isn’t it look mum said to Mandy, I sat there watching, I felt so low but when Mandy was in hospital I went with mum to my other sister’s grave and I tried to grow some flowers, but they wouldn’t grow I noticed a square piece of grass wouldn’t grow either, mum why don’t these flowers grow and that grass seed we put down? I asked mum, but she never answered so I just never bothered asking again and hope they grow soon next year.

Mandy got all the hugs and kisses, I got pushed out and just wished someone would hug me, kiss me and tell me they love me, my parents never did.

I woke early that morning, I was so thirsty so I went in to the bathroom for a drink of water, then I got back in bed as I was cold, then mum came in, come down to the lounge and see what Santa has left you mum said to me, so I got out of bed, putting on my house coat and slippers, then I went down to the lounge. my face lit up there was a desk and stool, books, games, dolls, colouring books, crayons, chocolates and sweets, toy train, fireman’s helmet, toy TV with moving pictures of nursery rhymes, clothes and slippers, I even went to the Christmas party with other boys and girls, we all were given party hats and mine was a fireman’s helmet. There was music, games, pass the parcel, then lots of food like sandwiches, cakes, jelly with ice cream, biscuits, pop, we had it all.

Well after Christmas had gone, things were back to normal, mum got me back at school, so she must have gone to the hospital because Mandy came home just for Christmas then went straight back in, I noticed Mandy wasn’t in my room with me like she was at Christmas, dad met me out of school while mum came in late from the hospital, she got tea on, I kept out of the way, I sat trying to read my book, then Mum was shouting at me in aggressive manner, I have been shouting you, your tea is ready are you deaf or daft!!

I didn’t hear you I told mum.

Well it’s about time you did then, isn’t it!! said mum in aggressive way.

It got to the point when people talk to me it sounded as a soft faint tone, so I began to lip read I had to watch their lips.

One evening I was watching TV, mum was talking to me but I didn’t hear her, Hey you, I’m talking to you!! she shouted.

What mum I didn’t hear you I told her.

She’s deaf Dennis, I’m sure she is, I’ve noticed she is lip reading mum told dad.

Well take her to the Doctor’s then, get her checked out, make an appointment tomorrow morning dad told mum.

A week later I was taken to the Doctor’s to have my ears checked over; I had to have a hearing test at the clinic with in a few days at the King’s Mill Hospital.

After the few days I had my test done, we went back a month after for the results from the family Doctor.

At school it was