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Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex
Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex
Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex
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Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex

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Sex can be scary, but it doesn’t have to be. Every one of us can have great sex. 
Why is lube so important? How do you navigate consent? How do you put on a condom correctly? How do you enjoy erection-free sex? What is kink? 
This book will answer your burning questions and tell you all you need to know, in accessible bite-sized bits. A guide to all things sex and sexuality, busting myths and upgrading the knowledge you already have, it is the ultimate tool to help elevate your sex life! 
 
 
LanguageEnglish
PublisherKwela
Release dateApr 21, 2020
ISBN9780795709456
Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex
Author

Tiffany Kagure Mugo

Tiffany Kagure Mugo is co-founder and curator of HOLAA! a Pan-African hub that advocates for, and tackles issues surrounding African female sexuality. She is a TEDx speaker and a radio show host. She contributes to spaces speaking about sex and politics and is the author of Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex (2020). She is based in Joburg.

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    Quirky Quick Guide to Having Great Sex - Tiffany Kagure Mugo

    Tiffany Kagure Mugo

    Kwela Books

    INTRODUCTION

    Sex is everywhere.

    On your TV, on your timeline, in your social circles, on your street, on your phone, in your church, in your school, at your office.

    It is hiding under the couch. It’s in your morning coffee.

    It is also on your mind.

    It is one of those things people are hard pressed to escape.

    It has also been around since before humans. Or maybe after. The jury is still out on which came first, the humans or the sex. But one thing is for sure it’s not going anywhere.

    And since time immemorial we have taught each other how to do the deed and how to do it well. From the erotic philosophies of Ancient Egypt during 2780–2260 BCE and paintings from burial chambers to art carved into the temples of India. From the divine energy that came from the Yoruba goddess Ọṣun who embodied sexual expression and sexuality, to the senga in Uganda who teach the ways of sex, pleasure, seduction and a little labia pulling on the side. There is classical Japanese erotic art called shunga and the 15th century Arabic text The Perfumed Garden of Sensual Delight whose first book starts with an orgasm in the name of God. Even the Bible’s Songs of Solomon which when read in the right light … well …

    And now this book adds its hat to the ring. There is no way I can fit everything there is to know about sex in here (or even in two or three books) but I will be damned if I won’t go down swinging and trying. There is so much to know and this is but the tip of the iceberg. Do continue learning and growing and finding out more.

    This manual came about with the help of an incredible network of knowledgeable people who are doctors, psychiatrists and super smart specimens. And did I mention my ten-plus years in the sexuality game? After a decade doing the work around the world you happen to pick up a thing or two.

    This book will reaffirm some things you might know, teach you a couple of things you don’t and also change some things you should stop thinking immediately.

    Welcome to the fun house, enjoy the ride.

    1

    SEX POSITIVITY 101: IS IT JUST ALL ABOUT HAVING WILD SEX? (SPOILER: NO)

    Sex positive (n): An attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, encouraging sexual pleasure and experimentation. The sex-positive movement also advocates for comprehensive sex education and safe sex as part of its campaign.

    Sex positivity is seen as something that is simply wild and sexy, or super scary to some. What does it mean that people are actively and openly engaging with sex? The world must be ending, degenerating into an endless orgy no one will escape from.

    This is not true.

    Sex positivity means different things to different people but comes down to one core concept: having a healthy relationship with sex, no matter what form it comes in. Being sex positive is about helping people have the sex lives that work best for them.¹

    When you think about sex positivity there are a few ideas to understand:

    1.Sexuality is vast. There is more to life than being straight or gay. There is so much colour and complexity in between.

    2.Consent is key.

    3.Consent and respect for different identities is the glue that keeps it all together.

    4.Having comprehensive sex education is super important, going well beyond just abstinence and ‘Be afraid of sex!’ lessons.

    There are some myths about what it means to be sex positive. These lies include:

    •All sex positive people are always down to have sex.

    •Everyone who is sex positive wants to be called a ‘ho’ and a ‘slut’.

    •The greater the number of naked bodies you have seen the better you are at sex positivity.

    •All porn is good porn, all nakedness on the screen is good.

    •Sex positive people are white, western and cisgender.

    •If you are sex positive you are into everything in bed. Anything and everything.

    Again, there are so many ways to be sex positive and you may identify with some things but not others and that’s what it’s all about, being unequivocally, unashamedly you, in all your sexy glory.

    But like any good club sometimes it’s best to have some ground rules. So, how do you know if you’re part of the sex positive club? Here are some criteria that will help you know if you are down or not.

    Having sex is healthy, but so is not having sex: There are asexual and grey-sexual people.

    Stop glamourising sex: Once you are sex positive you don’t have to be having all the sex and be chatting about all the great sex you are having.

    No slut-shaming: Slut-shaming also means shaming people who are more ‘out of the box’ with their sexuality than you, i.e. you feel the sex they like is out there, strange and wild. Just because it doesn’t turn you on doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You can also shame people who are ‘more in the box’ than you, i.e. for being too vanilla.

    Know thyself: It’s important to always dig into your own emotions/mind/psyche and assess: What is this doing for me? How do I feel afterward? How is my sex life impacting other areas of my life? Just because you like something sexually doesn’t mean it is good for you.

    Listen. Listen. Listen: Listen to how people engage with their sex positivity; it will mean different things for different people.

    Consent is sexy in lots of forms: Enthusiastic consent can lead to a lot less wild sex but a lot more enjoyable healthy sex. There is also starting and stopping. One idea I love is that if someone turns you down sexually, the proper way to respond is, ‘Thanks for taking care of yourself.’

    Intimacy is complex: It can mean different things to different people. One person’s intimacy is another’s awkward moment. As one Frisky article says: ‘For some people, sex is easy, but it’s also good to acknowledge that sex can be heavy. It isn’t all casual orgies and running through fields of daisies naked’.² Sex can be hard work, no matter what pop culture tells you.

    Being sex positive is about doing better because you know better. It’s about having the best sex you want to have.

    2

    SIPPING THE SEXUAL TEA WITH DR T: WHY IS PLEASURE IMPORTANT?

    A CONVERSATION WITH DR TLALENG MOFOKENG

    Dr T has long been a source of wisdom in my life and always there to offer advice on all things sexual and medical. Who better to ask about what pleasure means, why she does what she does and how we should all be having better sex?

    One of the motivators for me, to do this work around sexual pleasure, is often when we speak of sexual health we neglect to include sexual pleasure and help people to navigate all the different questions and experiences that they are having.

    Not enough people are affirmed enough to know that they do not have to wait for sex, without any moral judgements. I prescribe to the pleasure revolution and part of the pleasure revolution is for people to know that the right to sexual pleasure is a right that they possess. They should be able to have sex in a manner that is exciting for them and in a way that allows them to negotiate safer sex. Furthermore, this kind of sex should not leave them feeling unsatisfied.

    This is why I encourage people to partake in masturbation (alone or even as a couple), which helps a lot with intimacy.

    There are many ways to be sexual and intimate and physically connected with a partner. Sex does not begin with an erection and it certainly does not end with ejaculation. Sadly, for a lot of people there is not much happening in between except boredom, anxiety and for some people even pain.

    A lot of the work I do focuses on tackling the idea of consent. There can never be sexual pleasure without consent. So anything that is not consensual is not sex. Without enthusiastic ongoing consent there is no sex. When things go wrong, namely when there is coercion or fear or anxiety or outright violence and abuse, the consequences of those things are lifelong. Some people do not even know they have been the victims of violence because they carry so much shame. They believe sex happens to them and if they do not like what’s being done to them then there is something wrong with them. Women are burdened with the idea that they live for the gaze of men and the enjoyment of men and patriarchy is a system that punishes women who do not live by this idea.

    There is the need to be insistent that sex is not just something that happens with a penis and vagina – sex is so much more than that and all the other types of sex have been deliberately erased. There is a false notion that this is a new idea of what sex is, but sex has always been open, it has always been fluid and sexual pleasure has always been something that people seek. But in the context of all our other concerns, namely sexual health concerns, relationship issues and issues around consent, we need to pay specific attention to sexual pleasure and what it means.

    Having sex can be a subversive act, having sex is activism. Having mind-blowing orgasms is part of the Pleasure Revolution. The only way we can do that is by having affirming sexual experiences that honour the fact that we have rights to pleasure.

    Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng is an MD, author of Dr T: A Guide to Sexual Health and Pleasure, a sexual reproductive rights expert, radio and TV host and founder of Nalane Reproductive Justice. Basically, she is everything.

    3

    CONSENT 101: BACK TO BASICS

    Sex is nice right? But before you can fly you must walk, and before you walk you must crawl. Before you can have sex, you must understand consent.

    Consent is the bedrock of all activities not just sexual but for the sake of this book let us keep it to the sexy times. There is a lot you shall encounter in this manual, words of wisdom that will take your fornication to the next level, but before that you need to understand the basics.

    Consent (n): a voluntary agreement to engage in a sexual activity. To give consent is the ability to say yes to something on your own terms. Consent can also be applied to any interaction be it physical or emotional, as well as sexual.

    We are taking this further and saying consent should be a lot more than the presence of a no but the presence of an enthusiastic yes! It is better to do all the things described in this book with happy and engaging Yes-es ringing around the room. Consent is the starting point to building strong intimate sexual and romantic relationships. It’s about being able to choose what kinds of experiences we enter into with other people, without agreeing to do these things only in order to avoid a negative consequence.

    Sexual assault is any type of sexual contact without voluntary consent. If consent is not voluntary it is coerced.

    Sexual harassment is any behaviour or communication directed at someone with the intention of attacking their sexuality, sexual identity, or sense of safety. Unlike sexual assault, sexual harassment is not physical and tends to be more verbal, using symbols and gestures.

    There are various ways people can show a lack of consent including freezing up, pulling away, going silent or even crying. It does not have to be kicking and screaming and yelling to show a lack of consent. Hesitation and a lack of surety is often an indication of a lack of consent.

    Consent³ is usually defined in real black and white terms: yes and no. But there is so much more to consent than that. It is dynamic, ongoing and a constant negotiation.

    •Consent can be withdrawn.

    •Consent is not forever: it is not a case of once consent is given for one thing then it is given for everything, that when it is given once it applies for all time. Giving consent for one thing at a certain time does not mean that there is blanket consent for all acts all the time.

    •Consent is continuous.

    Consent and coercion

    One of the ways perpetrators of sexual violence violate consent, is through coercion. It is used in many sexual assaults.

    It is not that someone did not say no; it is that they couldn’t say no. Coercion is manipulation.

    It comes in various forms, including:

    •pressuring (e.g. repeatedly asking someone until they are worn down)

    •threatening (e.g. ‘I’ll break up with you if you don’t have sex with me’)

    •intimidating (e.g. smashing something when someone says ‘no’)

    •blackmailing (e.g. ‘I’ll tell everyone you’re gay if you don’t’)

    •guilt-tripping (e.g. ‘If you really loved me you would have sex with me’)

    Consent and relationships

    You do not have to have sex with your partner. Being in a relationship does not mean that you are entitled to sex. Often people feel that they must give their partners sex or that they do no need to gain explicit consent from their partners for sex, but this is a lie. Partners can sexually assault their partners.

    Without consent, having sex with someone is rape. It is true that the way we express consent in relationships changes over time but checking in and making sure that everyone is happy and healthy within the realm of your sex life is important. If a partner is feeling pressured to have sex or is scared to say no to sex or feels they can simply demand sex, this is not a good place to be. Consent includes all things such as hugging, kissing, touching as well as sex.

    Read more about this in the chapter ‘More sex? Different sex? Some sex? Tips for chatting coitus’ about chatting sex with your partner. Read it. Learn It. Love It.

    Metaphor for consent: Sipping tea

    EMMELINE MAY

    Still having a tough time with this? Here is a great metaphor for consent as a cup of tea.

    ‘If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.

    You say, ‘Hey, would you like a cup of tea?’ and they go, ‘OMG, fuck yes, I would fucking love a cup of tea! Thank you!’ Then you know they want a cup of tea.’

    If they are unconscious:

    Don’t make them tea. Unconscious people can’t answer the question, ‘Do you want tea?’ because they are unconscious.

    If you are not sure if they want the tea:

    Then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then – this is the important bit – don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for your going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

    If they say no, thank you:

    Then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, okay?

    They might say, ‘Yes, please, that’s kind of you,’ and then when the tea arrives, they actually don’t want the tea at all.

    Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil the kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

    Maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious:

    You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and — this is the important bit — don’t make them drink the tea.

    If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it and then passed out before they’d finished it:

    Don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

    If someone said ‘yes’ to tea around your house last weekend:

    That doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going, ‘but you wanted tea last week,’ or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going ‘but you wanted tea last night.’

    Rape culture: Is it just people promoting rape? (No.)

    Rape culture (n): ‘a complex set of beliefs that encourage male sexual aggression and supports violence against women. It is a society where violence is seen as sexy and sexuality as violent. In a rape culture, women perceive a continuum of threatened violence that ranges from sexual remarks to sexual touching to rape itself. A rape culture condones physical and emotional terrorism against women as the norm . . . In a rape culture both men and women assume that sexual violence is a fact of life, inevitable . . .’ ~ Emily Buchwald

    One of the first things we need to understand about rape culture is that it’s not just a whole society simply saying, ‘rape is good!’ and promoting it but something a lot more intricate and low-key. It is the implicit and undercover ways we excuse and tolerate sexual violence. It is about how it creeps into our every day through our language, thoughts and beliefs. It is about how it sneaks into our cultural and social practices. And even though a whole bunch of the talk is about how rape culture affects women, it can affect people regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

    Examples of rape culture:

    •Thinking that being sexually attractive/sexually open allows for someone to be sexually aggressive towards you (e.g. ‘But she posts those sexy selfies/blogs about sex/ wears those outfits.’)

    •Blaming the victim (e.g. ‘They asked for it.’)

    •Trivialising sexual assault (e.g. ‘Boys will be boys!’, ‘But you can see they want it …’)

    •Sexually explicit jokes

    •Thinking of sex as a hunting game – with a predator and prey (e.g. ‘going out on the prowl’)

    •Tolerance of sexual harassment (e.g. when people say ‘But they are just admiring you’, even if it makes you uncomfortable)

    •Assuming only promiscuous people get raped (e.g. ‘She

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