me. 

Prologue

Ashes, One Year Ago

The clubhouse was packed, and all my single brothers and the Prospects were cutting up and having a good time, except for the poor jackass at the gate and the two pouring drinks. Still, it was noisy as fuck in here, with pussy available everywhere I looked. Only one problem. None of them were the one woman I wanted and couldn’t have.

I’d done my best to make things look like business as usual, but since a certain spitfire had turned eighteen, I’d barely noticed the club whores. They weren’t her.

Not that I ever had a shot. Her brother would hand my ass to me, if he didn’t kill me outright for daring to touch his baby sister. It was better if I just kept things friendly between us -- but not that friendly. Only one person knew that I was full of shit and not partaking of the women displaying themselves shamelessly. Jin and I had an understanding. There were certain needs he had, and I helped when he’d pick out a woman each night.

My brothers thought I was the one walking out with the women, and technically I was. I just didn’t fuck them. Jin sweet-talked them, then I led them around back out into the darkness. Much like the little blonde he was sending over to me right now. Her big blue eyes lacked the innocence I craved these days. She knew the score and wouldn’t mind hopping from one dick to another. The club whores had been fun for a while, but I was getting too damn old for that shit.

I heard you’re going to help me have a good time, she said, her voice raspy like she smoked a pack a day.

You got it, sweet thing. Let’s head outside.

I winked at her, then led her through the door. More than one of my brothers catcalled as we went past, probably thinking I was about to score, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Not that I’d been celibate, but the women in my life had been few and far between since I’d fallen ass over teakettle for the one woman I could never have. In the past two years, I’d only been on dates with about five women. Nothing serious, but I’d hang onto them for a few months, making sure they knew up front there wouldn’t be a ring at the end of it, and there was never any sex. I only went hunting for a woman when the loneliness got to be too much to bear. If I’d thought there was ever a chance that Nik would be mine, then it would be different.

When we entered the shadows behind the clubhouse, I drew her to a halt and waited for Jin to catch up. He tell you what to expect? I asked.

Yeah. He’s going to fuck me while you pin me down. She smiled widely. But I’m open to taking on the both of you, if that’s what you want.

Strip, I commanded.

She quickly complied, just tossing her clothes and shoes to the side. I waved a hand at the ground and she immediately fell to her knees, reaching for my pants. Brushing her off, I stepped away and shook my head. I wasn’t here for that. No way I was letting this one near my dick. Who knew what she might be carrying? If Jin wanted to take the risk, that was on him.

Lie down on your back. Jin will be here in a moment.

She licked her lips in what was probably supposed to be a seductive way, but she was too drunk to pull it off. You going to get me ready?

Something like that.

She giggled and stretched out on her back on the grass. I knelt at her head and pulled her arms up by my thighs, holding her wrists tightly. The woman arched her back, thrusting her breasts up. If she thought she was tempting me, she was wrong.

I heard footsteps, then saw Jin coming toward us. He paused and admired the view. I was glad he liked it since she wasn’t doing a damn thing for me.

Bend your knees and spread your legs, I said. Let him see what he’s getting.

Her breath caught and she did as I said, a flush climbing up her chest and neck. Wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or she was that turned on. Jin started moving toward us again, unfastening his belt and pants. He dropped to his knees between her legs, then pulled a condom from his pocket.

I’m on the pill, she said, her eyes wide.

Oh, yeah. Definitely not putting my cock near this one. I knew her game, and I was sure Jin did too. Wouldn’t be the first time some slut tried to trap one of us. Hell, a few years back, some whore had decided to poke holes in the condoms sitting in the community bowl at the clubhouse. Scratch had about gone through the roof over that one. Cleaned house, but the bitches who came around were all the same. After one thing only -- ol’ lady status.

Jin gave a humorless laugh. Yeah, like I’m getting trapped by some club slut. You want my dick, I’m wrapping it first.

Her eyes narrowed as Jin put on the condom, then without giving her any warning, he gripped her ass and thrust deep. Her body jolted with every slam of his hips while she whimpered and moaned. The slut was fucking acting, but I knew Jin didn’t care. Her getting off wasn’t his priority. As long as he came, he didn’t care about anything else.

Tighter, she said. Hold me tighter.

I shifted so I could put both her wrists in one hand, then gripped her throat with my other. She sighed and bit her lip. Jin fucked her harder, grunting as he came. When he pulled out, he removed the condom and tied it off before wrapping it in the foil package and shoving it into his pocket. I knew he wouldn’t chance leaving it where she could get to it.

Your turn, she said, smiling up at me.

No, thanks. Not my type.

I released her and stood up. Jin gave me a nod and I left, but not before I heard him command her to turn over, then the sound of his belt hitting her flesh. He definitely had a type, and they all kept coming back for more. Tonight’s choice was new, but I had no doubt I’d see her again. She seemed like the kind of woman to get off on being used.

When I rounded the clubhouse, I ran into some hang-around who apparently thought he was someone. I paused in the shadows and listened as he mouthed off to a club whore.

Yeah, I’ll be patching in before you know it. These guys need my skills, the punk said.

The woman ran her hand up and down his chest. And what kind of skills are those?

Ran my own meth lab for a while, until the heat got to be too much. I’m the best around these parts when it comes to cutting drugs and selling shit. He looked down her barely there top. These assholes don’t know shit about the business.

Oh, really? Not that we were into meth, but we had the pot sales locked down pretty tight. And we never sold to kids. There were some gangbangers around town who did that shit, and we got it off the streets as fast as we could. I had to wonder if this little asshole was one of the ones killing people with his fucked-up drugs. About six months back, there had been an epidemic of drug overdoses. Mostly meth.

You’re smarter than them, huh? she asked.

Oh, yeah. Won’t be long before I’m running this place. That old man will be stepping down or I’ll force him down.

Now that I’d fucking pay to see. Cinder would flatten this dickhead without breaking a sweat. Enough was enough.

So you can run things better? I asked, stepping into the dim light off the porch. Want to put your money where your mouth is?

He looked me up and down. You’re not an officer. Just a patched member.

Which is way above your pay grade since you aren’t even a Prospect. I suggest you leave and don’t come back.

He barked out a laugh. And who’s going to make me?

I didn’t bother with words anymore. I wasn’t sure this idiot could understand what anyone said anyway. Hauling back my fist, I let it fly and nailed him right across the jaw. His head whipped to the side and he staggered back a step, but I wasn’t done. I whaled on him, blow after blow to his ribs, stomach, face. Someone needed to make an example so other little fucks like this one didn’t come around.

He dropped to the ground and I kicked him in the gut, then spat on him. You are nothing. You’ve always been nothing, and you’ll remain nothing. No one would miss you if I ended your life right here and now.

You fucked up, he said, then spat out blood at my feet. I’ll end your sorry ass. You and all the others.

Finish it. Havoc’s voice reached me from the darkness. He hadn’t been inside, but apparently had walked up in time to figure out what the hell was going on. Now, Ashes. End this shit.

I hauled the little shit stain up and hammered his temple until my hand throbbed. When he still wouldn’t fucking die, I snapped his neck and let him drop to the ground. Breathing hard, I glanced in the direction of Havoc’s voice and the Sergeant-at-Arms moved closer, coming into the light. He nudged the dickhead on the ground, then snapped his fingers. Two Prospects hurried over and hauled the body away. I didn’t care where they took it.

You hear anyone else mouthing off like that, handle it. If you can’t take care of it, then let me know and I’ll step in. The last thing we need is a bunch of troublemakers trying to patch in.

I gave him a nod and got on my bike, going straight home. This end of the compound was quiet, and dark. I went up the steps and flicked on the lights as I went inside. A cold beer sounded good and I grabbed one from the fridge, snatched a hand towel from the laundry room, then went into the living room and turned on the TV.

Adrenaline was coursing through me, and I needed sex as much as I needed air. The club sluts weren’t going to get the job done, though, and no way in hell would Renegade let me anywhere near his sister. So my hand had been getting the job done for a while now.

It sucked that my life had come to this, but meaningless sex just didn’t do it for me anymore. Hell, I couldn’t even get hard for the whores at the clubhouse. Those days were behind me. Keeping it from my brothers was going to get harder and harder though. For two years I’d walked that fine line, but a day would come when I couldn’t conceal my true feelings. They’d know something was up, but no fucking way could I ever let Renegade know I was a goner for his baby sister.

Flipping to one of the porn stations I streamed, I selected a movie and unfastened my pants. I downed half my beer before picking up the lube and slicking my palm. As the woman on the screen deep-throated the man, I started stroking. It wasn’t long before my eyes were closed, only focused on the sounds and picturing sweet little Nikki on her knees, sucking me off.

I tightened my grip, giving a slight twist on the downstroke. Faster. Harder. Everything in me grew taut as my balls drew up, then I was coming. I grunted as spurts of cum jetted over my hand, wishing like fuck I could do more than daydream about the only woman I’d ever wanted long-term.

Using the towel to clean myself off, I made sure I got everything off my hands, then tossed the towel to the side and picked up my beer again. I finished watching the movie, then called it a night after a quick shower.

Pathetic. That’s what I was… a pathetic excuse of a man, much less a biker.

If anyone ever found out I hadn’t fucked a woman in years, I’d never hear the end of it. I let them suck me off, sometimes. And I made sure they were satisfied, but my dick hadn’t been inside anyone since I’d fallen for Nik. I’d fooled around with my dates, but it never went all the way. My brothers wouldn’t understand. Especially since I couldn’t have the one I wanted. No way her brother would ever let her be with