The Pain of Loving You.

Heartbreak and heartache.

It comes so fast and sudden as the waves of emotions leave you gasping for air.

You can feel the pain creeping through your veins,

Slowly engulfing every crevice and every fiber of your being.

Making it feel like you’re made of nothing at all.

Weightless— until the growing ache in your chest makes you feel dense like stone.

Inhaling feels like 9-5 work.

The warmth leaves your body as the world around you collapses and swallows you into darkness.

Every beat of your heart feels like a betrayal to your body.

You can feel the cold rippling through every limb and every muscle.

Even your bones begin to feel like at any moment they will crumble.

For a moment at its peak, you get high off of the hurt.

Then the high passes leaving you numb and dumbstruck.

Wishing for anything in that moment to stop the growing hole in your heart.

Searching for anything to shut it off, no matter the cost.

Physically feeling love die is torturous.

Physically feeling love die is hell at its finest.

Audacious Mf.

How dare you do that to me?

How dare you come into my life and make me fall head over heels in love with you like this?

The nerve of you to ever walk your way into my heart and make a place.

How dare you open my heart to this kind of immense passion are you insane?

Who the fuck do you think you are leaving me heartbroken like this?

Loving me the way you did and then leaving so suddenly.

You lied to me.

You promised it was me and you from beginning to end.

I’m so angry at myself how could I ever let you bring me here?

Sitting in these feelings,

Wishing I could go back and make better decisions.

I’m so angry at myself, how dare I still love you?

You broke my fucking heart and I still fucking love you.

What a scam this love thing is to be quite fucking honest.

Pyromaniac.

Why start a fire just to watch it burn?

You sat smugly as it moved like a tornado through our home.

The flames consumed me bit by bit as I begged for your remorse.

And you watched with no concern as our love grew twisted and scorched.

Why start a fire just to watch it burn?

You left my heart in ashes and you sat with no remorse.

You gave me one last glance and then you said to me,

Maybe one day in the future we can do this thing again.

You turned around and walked away full and in one piece.

As I sat in the ruins desolate and broken.

It was on that day I vowed to never love again,

And I cursed the day I ever placed my heart into your hands.

Raw.

Sex is a funny thing.

I wish I would have understood what I was getting myself into with you.

You penetrated my mind, body, and soul on more levels than you could ever know.

Your body, your kisses, and your touches were my favorite drug.

You made me feel higher than any strain of weed could.

I craved you so much, you were so sweet to me.

I could eat you for hours, for days on repeat.

You loved to see me orgasmed out, weak in the knees.

You loved to relish in your work and I loved to see you pleased.

Drunk in love, you’d leave a trail of sweet kisses over me.

The puddles I would leave were your favorite thing to see.

The loud whispers of my own heart begging for mercy.

Every time it got warm though, is when it seemed you’d go to leave.

Our love on your sheets would fade,

As the memories we made silenced and packed away.

You’d take the last ounce of love I had and store it away.

My fire starter, my fire baby they never warned me in any way.

I never saw you coming but how painful it has been to watch you walk away.

I Knew Better.

Why is it that when we know better we don’t always do better?

Especially when you throw romance into the matter.

My heart thought she knew it all but she forgot to bring logic into question.

Temptation and desire made me blind to the reality of what was happening.

My need for love and affection became the eye of my destruction.

And the harder I fell, the harsher I would feel your absence.

And the more unreal this death would feel—no this can’t be happening.

I knew better. I knew better. But if only I could,

Go back in time and do better how I should’ve.

When it was all said and done you were the first one to go.

In the ruins of the mess we created here lies the tombstone,

Of a glorious love turned sour, turned poison to our bones.

Now it’s just me, my thoughts, and the ruins of what was.

I knew better, I knew better, how could I not have known?

That this love wasn’t the one and you were only looking for somewhere warm.

A Magnolias Interlude #1:

To Honor Thyself is to Love Thyself

Sometimes the best decisions that we can make for ourselves are the ones that challenge our comfortability. Sometimes change will not occur until we recognize that the sword in our hand isn’t just for show but for real-life action. Sometimes the Divine will wait on us to get sick of our own shit so that we will finally sit still and take head. A hard head will make for a soft ass and sometimes that fall is what’s needed for us to finally disillusion ourselves of the bullshit and do what needs to be done for our healing, growth, and progression. Sometimes the answer and the way out is in the truth we are unwilling to see, sit with, and accept. Sometimes we question God when we need to be questioning ourselves. Sometimes the reason we feel like we are stuck and cannot move forward is that we refuse to be honest about the ways that we are resisting what needs to be done, embraced, released, understood, accepted, etc. and in doing so we wind up consciously or unconsciously betraying and sabotaging ourselves because of our lack of self-responsibility, accountability, and awareness. Sometimes we choose to sit in the illusions and comfort zones because we are scared of the unknown. Because we feel intimidated by the work and the many responsibilities that we know will be waiting for us once the distractions are gone and playtime is over. Sometimes we choose ignorance and blindness for the temporary bliss and mental relief it provides even if it stunts our growth and progression for a while. Sometimes we will settle for mediocrity and less than what we know we deserve because we are afraid of being alone with ourselves and in doing these things we are actively choosing to dishonor, disrespect, oppress, and delay ourselves. The thing about the truth is that it will empower you and set you free. It will help push you onto a path that supports and sustains you rather than stunt and slowly break you down. The thing about clarity is that it will bring you closer to things that are real, tried, and true, but we have to be willing to be temporarily uncomfortable as we do the work to fully purge and clean out everything that isn’t. The thing about self-responsibility, accountability, and awareness is that it will challenge you and demand you stand on business, but in turn, it will amplify the joy, peace, harmony, stability, and security you grow and sustain inside and out. These personal tools will help you become more authentic, refined, and self-actualized as a whole. They will encourage you to love and appreciate who and where you are in the now, while lovingly guiding you towards who you wish to become and where you wish to be. They will help usher you into personal excellence, expansion, and maturity by demanding that you do better because now you know better. When we choose to see past our own bullshit and wield our sword of truth with determination, courage, and focus, at that moment we are honoring, loving, and caring for ourselves deeply and intimately. We begin to see and love ourselves the way the Universe and the Divine do. When we say no to self-betrayal, self-neglect, self-sabotage, and abandonment,