Sex Spoken Here:  Relationship Resolutions
 
 
Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones.  Happy New Year!  This week most people are making their New Year’s resolutions to try to get the year off to a great start.  Each year at this time, I like to make relationship resolutions.
 
When I work with couples, I spend time helping them to create a solid foundation to their relationship that includes clear routines and rituals.  Both routines and rituals help to create a solid rhythm for the relationship.  Rituals mark occasions in our relationships.  We use ritual to help create a safe and sacred space in which to celebrate or grieve.  Ritual provides us with ways to connect and reconnect.    Routines are equally helpful.  They provide a framework that keeps a relationship stable, helps people to be clear about roles and responsibilities and makes it easier for us to re-connect after conflict.
 
Traditional new year’s resolutions set out our intentions for the coming year.  Often they are focused around health and well-being.   The most common ones are losing x amount of weight, going to the gym (in order to lose x amount of weight and/or tone or build muscle), and quitting smoking and/or drinking.  
 
People are more likely to follow through on their resolutions and keep them up if they frame them as goals and create action steps that lead to the goal instead of just intentions.
In long term relationships, reviewing agreements and commitments and talking about desires, wants and needs is important if your relationship is to stay successful and to grow with you.   Reviewing this annually means that you are much more likely to catch issues early and be able to resolve them than if you only review when a problem arises. 
 
To make this easier, I created this framework for relationship resolutions.
Step 1:  Review your expectations
All relationships contain expectations.  Many times, these are unspoken and this is the source of many upsets and chronic conflicts.    In my work with people, I recommend examining expectations and making them clear and explicit.    Initially, this means that you have to look at your own expectations of your partner (or a potential partner).  To do this thoroughly, you have to look at expectations in relation to all areas of your life together.   For example: Expectations in relation to how your partner looks, takes care of themselves, looks after their health (including mental health), drug and alcohol use, diet (vegan? Meat eater?), time spent with you, time spent with family (yours, theirs), time spent with friends (yours, theirs), employment and finance, sex and intimacy, cooking, house cleaning and repairing, religion and spiritual, activities, holidays, children, future goals.   This is not my full list but should give you an idea of how detailed this activity can be.   For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at mailto:drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com.
 
Step 2: Review your agreements
Review any agreements you have made.  Make sure highlight the ones you have kept and celebrate these.  The ones that have been broken should be examined and re-negotiated.  For anyone interested in the full workbook, email me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com .
 
Step 3:  Set your goals for your relationship for the year
Set goals for the mundane through to the extraordinary.
Examples of mundane goals:
Mary will do the ironing every week.
John will rinse dinner dishes and put them the dishwasher and wash all pots/pans each evening before bed.
Mary will walk the dog every morning.
John will walk the dog every evening.
Examples of enjoyable goals:
Mary and John will have sex at least twice per week.
Mary and John will take a weekend away every 8 weeks.
Examples of extraordinary...