The Five Kinds of Love

LOVE in English has hundreds of meanings in common usage.

“Love” in the Hebrew is expressed by a variety of words

which are somewhat broad in their usage:
Dodim an impulse of heart, sexual attraction Hamed desire, covet, lust
‘Agav impure love, doting, lust Re’a Companionship, friendship
Hesed mercy and compassion Hasheq Strong attachment
Ahav desire, inclination or affection, whether human or divine

“Love” in the Greek, is expressed by five distinct words

having much more precise meanings:

Desire – Attraction (epithumia)

Longing – Romance (eros)

Belonging – Affection (storge)

Cherishing – Friendship (phile)

Selfless Giving – Christian Love (agape)

 Worksheet # 3 Learning to Speak The “Love Languages”
Strangely enough, one can be loved and accepted un-conditionally and still not feel genuinely loved. What feels like love will vary with the individual – this
is why you must know your mate so well. One person may measure love by the way his material needs are met, or by tangible items such as expensive
gifts. Another may feel loved when her husband helps her with the dishes. One will measure love by the amount of time spent together, or by the quality
of openness and sharing of thoughts between the two. Another desperately needs to hear often the words: I love you. Still another measures love by
physical affection – hugs and kisses. One person puts a heavy emphasis on the loyalty shown by the mate, especially in public. Another values sensitivity
shown to feelings. Some will measure love by the support given to their personal growth and development. There are so many languages of love! While
all I have mentioned are important, some of them will have special, even critical significance for your mate on an emotional level. Learn what speaks love
to your partner; then express your love in ways that cannot be doubted. Ed Wheat, Love Life, p. 126

Gary Chapman has written a number of practical books on what he calls The Five Love Languages (including books relating the “love languages” to
Teens, and to Children.) He suggests that there are five love languages, each with various dialects:

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary love language. Less seldom do families share the same primary love languages. Our primary love
language may change over time. We have "love tanks" that need to be regularly filled. We need to learn to speak our loved ones’ primary love
languages. When your spouse feels secure in your love, they will move toward greater growth and joy. When their love tank is full they will be better able
to impact their world with love. When their love tank is empty, they feel used and worthless, their world feels dark and oppressive. A person’s criticisms
and complaints can be major clues to what their primary love language is. "My spouse’s criticisms about my behavior provide me with the clearest clue to
her primary love language. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Their
criticism is an ineffective way of pleading for love."

To discern your “Love Language,” you will need to consider how do you express and receive love? On a separate sheet, answer the following
questions as specifically as you can. Then evaluate your sheet (or have someone else evaluate it for you) and for each statement you made,
write a letter corresponding to the love language that seems most expressed by the statement. For Words of Affirmation write "W", Quality Time
"QT", Receiving Gifts "G", Acts of Service "A", and Physical Touch "T".

1. How did your parents show they love you? When were the times you felt most loved by them?

2. How do you express love to your spouse (or a close friend)?

3. How do you express love to your children?

Clues for discovering your own primary language:

What does a loved one do or not do that hurts you most deeply?
What type of things do you most often request of your spouse?
In what way do you most regularly express love to your spouse?
What first attracted you to your spouse or made you think that he or she cared for you?
Recognize differences between male and female sexual responses. For men, sexual response is generally
linked to physical contact. A man’s desire for sexual contact should not be confused with physical touch being
his primary love language.

Clues for discovering your spouse’s (or a child’s) primary language:

Pay close attention to how they express love to you and others. People tend to try to show love in ways they
want to be loved.
Listen to what they request most often.
Consider what they complain about most.
Give them choices.
Do not "peg" them into a box. Remember, children’s language may change as they grow.
Be careful discussing the languages with teenagers. They could use them against you!

Run an experiment. If it is still hard to understand what most communicates love, make a best guess of what their
primary love language is. Attempt to practice showing love in specific ways in this language for the next two weeks.
See if it makes a difference. If not, try another language for another two weeks.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Verbal Compliments; Words of Praise - Focus is on something they do that is under their control. Encouraging Words - Focus is on who they are. See the
world from their perspective. Kind Words - Tone is crucial! Humble Words - make requests, not demands. When you make a request, are you affirming
his or her abilities? Indirect Words - How you speak about a loved one not in their presence can have an impact. Words of Guidance (especially with
children)
Things to Consider
Think back on the past few days. What specifically have you said to your spouse? If someone else were
listening, how might they understand your words? Would they find them to be often supportive, critical, or
demanding?
Discuss with your spouse what you say to your children. Evaluate the degree of praise and positive guidance
you give.

Love Language #2: Quality Time - when we give someone our undivided attention.
Togetherness = Combined focused attention. Quality Conversation A genuine attempt to understand the other person's thoughts, feelings, and desires.
Become both better listerners and better sharers. Quality Activities - Anything in which one or both of you has an interest.
Things to Consider
For you and your spouse or you and your family, isolate two or three experiences that brought you very close
and are a source of continuing fond memories. Plan a new event that has strong "memory" potential.
What are some things you can do with your spouse or other loved ones on a regular basis? Make a
commitment to do at least two of these in the next month.
Look back upon the last major problem or challenge your spouse faced. Write out ways you could have better
achieved the following: (a) less advice and more sympathy; (b) more understanding and fewer solutions; (c)
more questions and fewer conclusions; (d) more attention to the person and less to the problem.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Think about about a gift you received as a child. What made it so special? Come up with at least three things or principles for how to show someone love
through the giving of a gift. "Gifts are visual symbols of love." "Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your
spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love." Children know the difference between a gift and a bribe.
Things to Consider
What gifts have you given your spouse that were particularly appreciated? If this is his or her primary language,
decide to give one token of love, however small, in line with those preferences each week for the next month.
Are there situations that your presence is especially important to your spouse or children? Discuss with your
spouse ways you may already be monitoring gift giving and how you can make this an even greater expression
of love in your family.

Love Language #4: Acts of Service "… doing things you know your spouse would like you to do."
Make a list of things you know your spouse or a close loved one wants you to do. Be specific and practical. "Requests give direction to love, but demands
stop the flow of love." In order to serve well, we must pay attention to our own physical and emotional needs. Who are we really serving and for what
purpose?
Things to Consider:
Choose three simple, but humble tasks that you don’t especially like, but know your spouse would be pleased to
see completed. Surprise your spouse by doing them without being asked.
Many couples feel that they have overcome gender role stereotypes in their relationship but unconscious bias
still remains. Discuss your deepest feelings about sharing all activities and your family history in this regard.
Think back to when you were courting your spouse. What made them feel special? Can you keep doing it?

Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Touch is more than sexual. "Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her."
Things to Consider:
Perhaps you and your spouse have never openly shared with one another the types of touching you find
pleasurable. Discuss the emotional, sexual, and psychological dimensions related to all these areas of the
body.
Discuss what times it is especially important to be with your spouse -- special events or activities where they
also want you close at hand. Is hugging or other physical expression also important to them at these times?
 The language of the lovers in The Song of Songs
By Barry McWilliams

W
ithout verbal lovemaking, there would be no beauty and little feeling in love. It would be cold and
impersonal. Too often today the media portray the communication between lovers as coarse or
ugly. A book in the Bible, The Song of Songs, gives us a much better picture of "love talk" that is
beautiful, which builds up our spouses and our marriages and is much more honoring to God.
In preparing this study, I examined the vocabulary of the Song of Songs of Solomon, God's "marriage
manual". The following observations draw on this study, and then expand with more principles in regard to
our "Love Talk": the manner in which married couples communicate their love for each other.
In this "Song" there is a definite beauty of speech that stands out even when expressing the most
intimate of thoughts. There is much explicit and intimate talk in the Song, in fact, there is enough to make
anyone blush. There are plenty of definite references to the sexual organs of the body - the breasts, etc
- and many more "suggestions".
There is a considerable "poetic" use of words - creating with verbal imagery lovely expressions of feelings
and emotions that are hard to put into words. There is the richness and beauty of comparison as they
describe one another in terms of animals or plants, and their pet names for each other. Expressions
abound with double meaning - a reference to "Blow on my garden that its fragrance may spread abroad.
Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits" expresses her desire for his intimate sexual
contact with her genitals in a way that is beautiful without vulgarity, or clinical coldness, especially when
read in the larger context of the garden and plant imagery throughout the book.

There are a number of observations to be drawn from this use of imagery between
married lovers:
We have to recognize that it is a secret love language that this couple has created to
express their feelings for each other.
It is for the privacy of the bed-chamber. These words with their explicit meanings are for the ears of the
beloved alone - they are not used in conversations with others, or, crudely to titillate the general public.
Much of their love language is drawn from the pleasant things of their backgrounds. How appropriate the
botanical illusions of gardens and fruit from and to a girl who has grew up working in the vineyards. Drawn
from daily life, these have been infused with sincere and honest emotional expressions of love.

The lovers in the Song communicate much more than just passion in their secret
language.
There almost seems to be a third level of meaning behind the words. For behind the literal and poetic
meaning are statements concerning character and personality. For example, in the description of the bride
in Chapter 4 are not only references to her physical beauty, but also declarations as to her character as
well. Perhaps we can learn from this to create a love language that speaks to more than the physical, and
carries with it much more.
The lovers are both profuse and frank in their love talk.
They do not make love in silence, nor do they hesitate to express desire and delight in explicit ways. There
is no inhibition in either man or wife. Each tells the other what is desired or what pleases.
There is much romantic talk! The smooth words of the lover who comes courting continue on into their
marriage as he woos and arouses his wife again and again with his words. The bride does not hold back on
responding to his love talk with her own "sensual" speech. In fact, nearly half of the 117 verses in the Song
are hers. Love is constantly expressed in a variety of ways and settings .

How "sensual" is both their lovemaking and their love talk.

There are repeated references to fragrance and taste and sight and touch. Kisses are sweeter than wine,
lovemaking is fragrant with myrrh, and the lovers describe each other intimately. There is much
ornamentation and beauty in their clothing and the settings of their love. There is is an elegance and a
sense of preciousness that speaks loudly of how special their love is.
The lovers stir one another's imaginations with their talk. They create fantasies with their words and
build anticipation of delights to come. For him to speak of "climbing the palm tree and taking hold of its
fruit" or her to speak of him "browsing among the lilies" certainly heightens the passion of the other.

How aware they are of each other, and also how constant and positive they are in
expressing their appreciation of one another.
He is sensitive to her insecurity and repeated need of encouragement and moves to meet that need with
his words. She responds to him similarly, letting him know how pleased she is in him and by his loving. We
can infer from this that they were active listeners - hearing not only the words, but also the feelings and
needs behind them.
This kind of openness does not come readily. Lovers must prepare the way to the wonders of sexual
communion through open communication and much talk. Marriage books unanimously state the greatest
need for married people today is to talk to each other.
There is richness and variety of mood and atmosphere, of time and place. But often the words of the
lovers are what makes the moment so romantic, so seductive, so sensual, so special as they express their
love for one another. Romantic gestures, and places will never compensate for the absence of verbalized
expressions of love.
Open communication lines are an important pre-requisite for the "one flesh" experience. While love talk
must be private (as all deeply personal communication must be based upon the trust that confidences will
not be betrayed), Love talk should not be confined to the bedroom, though it often leads the way into it.
 We can draw the following principles from this love song:
1. There should be frequent and varied expression of love between lovers. Love talk ought to be a
constant on-going process. That requires deliberate effort by both partners.

2. These expressions consist of positive expressions of appreciation and affirming the value of one's
spouse as they are. One key message of the Song is the importance of building up one another through the
communicating of that which we respect, admire, and cherish in the personality and character of another
person to them. It is not negative, critical, or complaining in tone.

3. Love talk is honest and sincere in fully sharing oneself and in appreciating our spouses.

4. Love talk is sensitive to the needs and concerns of one's lover, and thus actively listening. Love talk is
responsive. It is a dialog of heart and mind.

5. Love talk seeks to be beautiful and pure. It uses lovely and highly expressive language that is both
sensual and emotional, but never crude.

6. Love talk is sensual, both in that it includes both verbal and non-verbal communication, and in that it
appeals to all the senses. Kisses, hugs, caresses, eye contact, facial expressions, gestures and actions are
just as important as the words being used. In fact, when verbal and non-verbal communication are not in
agreement, we usually trust the non-verbals.

7. Love talk is appropriate to its circumstances. At times, love talk is romantic, at times intimate,
sometimes playful, sometimes painful, some times quite serious - at all times it involves building up our
spouse and the marriage relationship. It is need orientated, reflecting God's wisdom in making of two
different people a oneness where the strengths and weakness of the two balance each other.

8. While very personal desires are often shared, yet such "fantasies" ought to be grounded in reality
(loving our spouses and not a dream lover) and honoring to God (not lust-orientated, but love orientated).

9. Love talk is open communication on a variety of levels between two people committed to one another. It
is true intimacy, where we give over the keys to our inner selves and become transparent to our mates.

May we learn from the Song of Songs how to bring singing into our
marriages through the delights of love talk.
ADJECTIVES & nard fruit (6) earrings (2)
ADVERBS. cinnamon(1) pomegranates (3) crown
Beautiful (13) calamus apples (2) shekels
lovely (5) saffron apple chariots
beloved (4) aloes pomegranate ivory
love mandrakes carriage
darling THEIR BODIES fig sword
bride breasts (8) wheat elegance (1) decorated
loves eyes (7) chrysolite
pleasing (3) head (5) FLOWERS cloak
awaken heart garden (6) banner(s)
desires hair lilies necklace
kiss(es) arm tree (5) polished
delightful(2) mouth (4) vineyards panels
browses lips vineyard marble
arouse neck (3) bloom (3) purple
delight teeth vines ribbon
awake cheeks (2) cedars (2) jewel
delights legs field crowned
gaze hands blossoms robe
graze face palm scarlet
embraces temples budded sandaled
arise arms (1) fruits sapphires
hear appearance lily sachet
listen hand fountain garments
taste navel gardens tapestry
desire nose trees noblest
spoke finger clusters upholstered
held body cluster (1) inlaid
sweet tongue firs veiled
gazing (1) tresses blossoming
despise waist dew PLACES
follow growth Lebanon (7)
leaning ANIMALS rose beds (2)
descend flock (5) rains mountains
lover’s gazelle flowers desert
lovers doves (4) streams tents
adore sheep orchards hills
enclose fawns (3) plants mountain
crowns stag pools dance (1)
charming dove verdant dens
perfect goats waters chambers
peering foxes (2) Hesbon
purest does FOOD Gibeah
praise(d) flocks (1) wine (8) Damascus
contentment raven miik (3) hill
rejoiced lions sweetness(2) Carmel
radiant mare honeycomb bath
ruddy leopards honey earth
delights banquet (1) crest
flawless SMELL eat Kedar
outstanding fragrance(8) nectar Mahanaim
bright myrrh (4) Goblet countryside
lovingly perfume raisins forest
handsome incense (3) rains
blended (1) JEWELRY & valley(s)
perfumed ORNAMENT
SPICES perfumes silver (4)
spice(s) (7) royal (2)
henna (2) FRUITS jewels