COPING STYLES & LIFE TRAPS

Gaining a better understanding of ourselves and others.

COPING STYLES

THE THREE COPING STYLES FOUND IN RELATIONAL CONFLICT
Fright: SURRENDER - Whatever negative thing someone is saying about me is true
and Im powerless to change it.
Flight: ESCAPE/AVOIDANCE - It is too painful and uncomfortable to hear and feel the
message Im getting. I must keep myself separate and distracted so I am not
aware of this painful truth about myself.
Fight: COUNTER-ATTACK - I must fight to prove them wrong.
LIFETRAPS
Lifetraps are deeply entrenched beliefs about ourselves and the world which we
learned early in life.
Lifetraps are broad themes made up of memory, emotions and cognitions.
Lifetraps can hinder our view of ourselves.

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DISCONNECTION & REJECTION DOMAIN
1. Abandonment / Instability - Core message I cannot count on anyone for
consistent support, caring and connection. I will be rejected; people I love
and need will die; and people I love and need cannot be relied upon to be
there when I need them.
-Fear that everyone they love will leave them
-Can be driven by feelings of abandonment due to loss of a parent, divorce,
etc.
-Can become clingy in close relationships
2. Mistrust / Abuse - Core message I cannot expect others to treat me fair,
considerate or in a just manner. I should expect to be hurt (emotionally or
physically), lied to, manipulated and taken advantage of. Others always
have their own agenda.
-Find it hard to trust others. They feel people are out to take advantage of
them and/or cause them harm.
-Can respond strongly to feelings of being mistreated
3. Emotional Deprivation - Core message I cannot expect others to be supportive of
me and care about what I need.
-Its about insufficient empathy, nurturing and/or not receiving guidance
and direction.
-Didnt feel close to their parents when they were growing up, there was an
emotional distance between child and parents
-Can find it difficult to connect emotionally with people
4. Defectiveness / Shame - Core message I am not good enough, I am inherently
flawed. Anyone who truly knows me could not love me.
-Feeling of shame that something inside of them is wrong with them - that
they are strange, stupid, short, fat, etc.
-Dont accept compliments easily
-Get jealous & competitive & feel insecure around those they perceive being
better than themselves
5. Social Isolation / Alienation - Core message I am different from other people and
do not fit in.
-The feeling of isolation and being alone stem from feeling apart from any
group or community - and too different to belong.
-This feeling began in childhood when they felt they did not fit in with the
circle of people around whom they grew up. They often avoid social
gatherings because they dont like to mix around.
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-What makes them feel they are different is not necessarily negative - they
may be smarter, have more money, come from a family of fame or
power.
IMPAIRED AUTONOMY & PERFORMANCE DOMAIN
6. Dependence / Incompetence - Core message I cannot take care of myself. I need
to rely on those around me in order to survive. I cannot solve problems or
make decisions on my own.
-Cannot handle life with all its responsibilities and tasks. They are not
confident of their own ability and have the need for someone else to
constantly be around.
-They may vacillate and be double minded when facing a decision.
7. Vulnerability to Harm or Illness - Core message Catastrophe is just around the
corner. Bad things are about to happen and I am powerless to do anything
about it.
-They live in fear that danger is imminent
-The fear is so exaggerated that it may manifest in the form of anxiety or
panic attacks
8. Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self - Core message I cannot survive on my own
without constant contact and closeness with my parent / partner. I need to
know what they think in order to know what I think.
-They may not be dependent on people to accomplish a task but are
intertwined emotionally.
-Due to the unhealthy closeness its hard to tell where the one person ends
and the other begins
-They feel empty and often afraid to exist on their own
-Adults enmeshed with their parents (usually the mother) communicate
more with their parent than with their spouse.
9. Failure - Core message I am fundamentally incompetent and have failed, am failing
and will fail again in the future. I am less talented and successful that other
people.
-Focus of this lifetrap is on achievement and external status symbols of
success, rather than on the internal feeling of shame and inferiority
that is present in the case of the Defectiveness Lifetrap
-No matter how successful, internally they feel like a failure
-They feel this way because they make comparisons with others (peers,
family members, friends, acquaintances)
-Others may have a healthier view of them than they do of themselves
IMPAIRED LIMITS DOMAIN
10. Entitlement - Core message I am special and better than other people. Rules
should not apply to me. I should always come first.
-Rooted in a desire for power and control
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-Believe that what they want or need should always be the priority
-They do not care if getting their own way disadvantages others
-Very few people with this lifetrap volunteer to seek help or see their need to
change
-Two types of Entitlement Lifetrap:
Pure Entitlement - results when people are spoiled as children and
dont learn to take other people into consideration.
Fragile Entitlement - (a bit more complicated) - comes not from
being spoiled but is a reaction to unmet Core Needs
*When needs for caring and recognition are not met, a
response of I have to take it for myself and No one else
is looking out for number one develops.
11. Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline - Core message I should not be
uncomfortable.
-This lifetrap leads people to express their emotion negatively, avoid difficult
tasks
-Have difficulty controlling their impulses, such as anger, sexual promiscuity,
over-eating
-May also have difficulty sitting down and doing work for a reasonable time
-They often have a hard time finishing anything they started

OTHER-DIRECTEDNESS
12. Subjugation - Core message I must submit to the needs and desires of others
before my own or I will be rejected by the anger or abandonment of people
who are important to me.
-The internal slogan is Im number two.
-Subjugation is about needs - not showing preferences, desires, decisions
and opinions and / or emotions - not showing feelings, particularly
anger
-They tend to not express themselves, which leads to passive-aggressive
thoughts and behavior, withdrawing , and ultimately, intense anger.
-They take care of others more than themselves because they constantly
worry about their partners reactions and opinions about them.
13. Self-Sacrifice - Core message I must meet the needs of others before my own. I
do not want to feel selfish or cause any pain to others.
-Initially this pattern of thinking and behavior can seem kind but creates
problems in the long run as it results in imbalanced relationships, and
problems with unmet needs
-This is a maladaptive schema (lifetrap) in that the real harm is caused to
oneself
-They genuine care for people - they emphasize by taking on
responsibilities in order to relieve others of discomfort
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-They would rather suffer than allow others to suffer
14. Approval-seeking / Recognition-seeking - Core Message I must seek the
approval of others above all else. If other people do not approve of me,
something is very wrong.
-People with this lifetrap struggle to form an opinion about themselves
outside of what others think and feel about the.
-What people think and feel about them determines how they feel about
themselves.
-Its about craving other peoples approval
OVER VIGILANCE & INHIBITION
15. Negativity / Pessimism - Core Message I am destined to make a serious mistake
that will result in big problems. Things will inevitably go wrong. Bad things
will happen to me.
-Everything is seen and experienced with a negative spin on it.
-They get so worried about the consequences of taking a risk that they fear
loss and humiliation . So they would rather be safe than sorry and
take the path that would least expose them to such risks.
-They hate making mistakes.
-Usually their negativity is not accurate and is blown out of proportion.
16. Emotional Inhibition - Core Message I should not express myself or show my
emotions. I should always be in control.
-Often seen by others as being without emotions.
-They value being rational as a superior disposition.
-They dont like anything too loud, too spontaneous, too noisy
-Can be class or culturally related
-They feel that sharing heart felt feelings would be difficult and not helpful.
17. Unrelenting Standards / Hypercriticalness - Core Message I must work very,
very hard to meet very hard standards or I will be criticized. I do not have
time to relax or have too much fun. I must always be efficient. (Driving
words for this life trap is I should...)
-Feel like they need to constantly push themselves - and they work harder
and harder to get somewhere because their present situation is not
good enough.
-(Related to the Defectiveness Lifetrap)
-They are always one position away from being content
-Little grace is shown to others when mistakes are made and they
frequently look down on others that they do not measure up
-They are critical of others frequently for not measuring up to their
standards
-They can be difficult to live with since they expect others to comply to their
rules.
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18. Punitiveness - Core Message Mistakes have consequences - I should be
punished for making mistakes and so should everyone else. It is not okay
to make a mistake. We should constantly strive for and demand
perfection.
-People with this lifetrap dont give grace or mercy - to themselves or others
who make mistakes.
-Usually have a hard time forgiving easily
-They see all mistakes as crimes that should be punished
-Very strong sense of justice, and of right & wrong
-They view people as weak who show mercy
-Sometimes (but not always) they do not forgive themselves for their past
-They talk about their mistakes repeatedly

Good Enough Parenting by John and Karen Louis

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