CONTROLLING PEOPLE

How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People

Who Try to Control You

Author: Patricia Evans

Publisher: Adams Media Corporation
Date of Publication: 2002
ISBN: 1-58062-569-X
No. of Pages: 300 pages

About the Author Wisdom in a Nutshell

Do you know anyone who always needs to be right or always implies that you
are wrong or inadequate whenever you don't share points of view? How
Patricia Evans about someone who always needs to tell you how you should think and who
PATRICIA EVANS is an interpersonal you should be friends with? These are just some of the character traits of
communications specialist and the
author of three books on the topic of
people who control others. Unfortunately, sometimes without realizing it,
verbal abuse. She is also a consultant, many individuals who try to control others are destroying the relationships
speaker and trainer. they have.
Founder of Evans Interpersonal
Communications Institute (EICI),
offering workshops and information on Patricia Evans helps you uncover the behavior behind the controller and the
interpersonal communications, she has
single-handedly brought the subject of
victim. Her book Controlling People attempts to find answers behind the force
verbal abuse to the forefront of that drives people to control others and narrates how this pattern of control
American consciousness-naming and
defining verbally abusive relationships
can be broken.
when they were still unnamed and
undefined.
Newsweek commended her first
powerful book on the subject, The
Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to
Recognize it and How to Respond
(1992), as "A groundbreaking new
book." An expanded edition was
released in 1996 and appeared in DEAR
ABBY on New Year's Day 1998.
Evans has spoken on the devastating
effect of this "secret form of control" on
more than two hundred radio shows,
and thirteen national television
programs, including the Oprah Winfrey
Show, Sonya Live-CNN and News Talk.
Her second book, Verbal Abuse
Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship
and Recovery (1993), explores the
subject of verbal abuse in depth and is
destined to be given a permanent place
in schools, in the libraries of all health
professionals, and in the heart and
mind of every reader.
For more information, visit
http://www.patriciaevans.com. Published by BestSummaries, Building 3005 Unit 258, 4440 NW 73rd Ave, Miami, Florida 33166
©2003 BestSummaries All rights reserved. No part of this summary may be reproduced or transmitted
in any form or by any means, electronic, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior notice of BestSummaries.com
 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

Part 1: The Problem of Control - Why Some takes place in the context of backwardness. The
author believes that most of the people who act in
People Engage in Oppressive Behavior oppressive ways - consciously or unconsciously - in
This section deals with the problem of control and an attempt to control others, are trying to meet a
why certain individuals attempt to control others and particular need that overrides their good intentions.
why some people engage in this oppressive
behavior. If the ability to relate to others is lost, everyone suffers
even if you have good intentions. For example, if you
try to make decisions or assume something for a
loved one, you risk hurting them and also yourself.
Sense and Nonsense
People who try to control others often engage in
nonsensical behavior. Controllers seem to be unable Beside Yourself
to hear and understand you - even if they've known
you for years. A person who feels the need to control
you fails to understand that you are a person with
your own reality. This kind of behavior opens up a lot
of avenues for abuse and leaves those caught in its People who try to control others
path mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically
exhausted.
often engage in nonsensical
The need to control is so compelling that one seems
behavior.
to be under a spell. To fully understand and make
sense of the reason behind the need to control, you
must first have to be aware of it and be open to There are some behaviors that under ordinary
explore its influence in your daily life. Once you see circumstances can be viewed as intolerable, but are
the effects, you will know what it is and whether you tolerated and placed under extraordinary events such
can align with it rather than oppose or ignore it. as a disaster. When one acts in ways that is out of the
ordinary, or a person's behavior changes
dramatically, you say that he is “beside himself” (i.e.
The Problem he is beside himself with fear, she is beside herself
with anguish), or that he doesn't know what he is
To understand why individuals act hurtfully or doing.
nonsensically to others, you have to realize the
circumstances that make them behave that way. You Usually people who are “beside themselves” are
have to get to the root of the problem: trying to take control of what is “out there” in anyway
1. People who control usually believe that their that they can. Having lost their inner connection, they
domineering or harsh actions are necessary, try to get a hold of anything or anyone. They try to
even if their behavior is totally wrong and control things that they feel they can manipulate.
nonsensical.
2. Domineering or harsh actions against others
are utilized to further their attempts to
control. Usually, they get the opposite The “Self” We Are Sometimes “Beside”
reaction of what they really want. You build your personal reality and incorporate
3. Harsh acts against others are due to knowledge about yourself and the world through your
distortion or lack of awareness of the reality. everyday life experiences. These descriptions
Controllers almost always believe that they change through your exposure to the nuances of live
see clearly and are aware of what is such as meeting new people, entertaining new ideas
happening - the opposite of reality. and experiencing new things. In the course of
defining and building your identity, you create an
unseen parameter that is your psychic boundary.
Intentions
Your psychic boundary defines your individuality.
Acts against others start out with good intentions but

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 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

You are in charge of what passes through this When one is disconnected from one's inner reality,
boundary. Since little attention is given to this the only way to build an identity is to create one from
boundary, people often mix up their own reality with the outside in. When you unconsciously form your
that of other people. As a result, problems in identity based on one imposed to you by others, how
relationships often arise. When people attempt to you appear to others becomes an all important
control others they attack either the person's barometer to which to validate your existence.
physical or psychic boundary or both.
A person can be influenced to build his identity
backwards in many ways. A person's future is shaped
by his parents by deciding what he should take up in
college or what he should be when he grows up. His
whole life will revolve around pleasing his parents by
Everyone is born with four functions doing what they tell him and never knowing what he
really wants in life.
(feeling, sensate, intuitive and thinking)
to allow you to connect with yourself.
Pretending and Its Impact
When someone is controlling or defining you, he is
pretending that he knows what you are thinking and
Disconnection: Training, Trying and Trauma feeling. They fool themselves and others into thinking
Everyone is born with Four Functions to allow you that they are right and that they know what is best.
to connect with yourself. These are: feeling, Both the controller and the controlled lose their ability
sensate, intuitive and thinking. Even though you for self awareness and the capacity to respond to
were born fully equipped with these functions, if you inner needs.
stop using them (or only use one of them), you lose
or damage your ability to assimilate your experience
and understand yourself and the world around you. Pervasive Disconnection
Many people lose these functions because of the To connect with yourself, you must use all of the four
following: functions - thinking, feeling, sensate and intuitive.
1. They have been trained to disconnect. People who try to control others (or are disconnected)
This distortion occurs when one defines operate only on one function - thinking. People who
another person (i.e. a child's definition of have lost inner awareness and have disconnected
reality is defined by his parents). A child's themselves through training, trying and trauma, seem
parents may tell him what he wants, what he to be under a spell. They make up a world so real to
should feel and act. The people you come in them that they seek a position of leadership to control
contact with, your culture and traditions the outcome of a situation or a person in their make-
may also be a factor to why you disconnect believe world.
2. Trying to disconnect. When a child is
constantly being defined by a parent, he
suffers an ongoing sense of rejection. Since Backward Approaches
the abuse is so painful, the child will try not
According to the author, people who operate on one
to feel to escape the painful feeling and to
“function”, with a built-backwards identity are inclined
be acceptable to the parent.
to approach others in a backward way. They may
3. Trauma and disconnection. When
actually define a stranger as a way of introducing
feelings and sensations are too painful
themselves, possibly intending to establish an instant
(such as being in an almost fatal accident),
connection. Their approach is to tell others what to
you may try to disconnect and have no
do, what should be done, etc. These backward
conscious memory of the experience.
approaches reveal hazy thinking and sometimes
create harmful and destructive problems. Those who
cannot accept, feel or conceptualize their inner
Built Backwards experiences, define themselves from the outside in

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 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

and approach others the same way. illusory connections with others. People under this
spell are acting in one of the following illusions:
§ They can actually define another person or
Backwards Connections group.
§ Their definition of that person or group is
If an individual approaches another backwards, he true.
is most likely to attempt to connect backwards. If the § Another person or group is responsible for
approach is accepted (parent-child, dictator- their actions.
citizen), then the connection is made. A backward § They know what the other thinks, feels,
connection is made when one assumes or defines wants or expects.
another that ends in a relationship or an interaction.
It is just one small step away from where the control They are also sure that:
of another is often the objective (albeit § Their behavior is not odd, senseless or
unconsciously). This relationship opens the door for harmful.
a Pretend Person to be mistaken for a real person. § They are right.
§ They are not in any illusions and they are not
playing “let's pretend”.
Pretend Person § They are independent and self-reliant.
When a person is trying to control you, their
perception of you does not exist - you are not heard
nor seen. They shape their image of you based on The Control Connection
their perception of what you should be - a pretend When one controls something, he wants to affect an
person. They claim to know you better than you outcome, generally by means of restraint - physical
know yourself. This connection usually occurs when or verbal - with regards to self, others and the world.
the perpetrator feels more secure about his This can be a nurturing control where he takes
relationship with you (parent-child, husband-wife) control of his life and what he wants. Oppressive
and is looking for a “safe anchorage” for his dream control on the other hand, does just the opposite.
person. He wants to redirect his and other people's life at the
expense of another.

The Teddy Illusion The control connection is a backwards way of

orienting towards people. These connections are
The “Teddy Illusion” shows how a person might made by people who are beside themselves - who
begin to create a pretend person and what happens need to get a grasp within someone in order to feel
to their relationship when they do. Teddy (the teddy connected.
bear) starts out as a pretend and perfect friend - an
imaginary teddy bear who does everything the child
tells it to say and do. As the child gets older, he
unconsciously tries to do the same thing to people The Controller and the Witness
he has relationships with - only he is “transferring” Pretenders create a pretend or dream person and
the image of a perfect person towards a real person. attaches this image onto a real person. Controllers
are people who go one step further by trying to
Although no one can actually make a person do maintain and control the pretend person by any
what he wants them to do or say what they want to means necessary - by fighting or ignoring ideas and
hear, the controller actually pretends that they can. opinions expressed by the real person. The person
Those who mix up their reality often become angry being defined by the controller is the witness. When
and turn to oppressive behavior when actual reality the witness defies or resists the controller, he
does not reflect with his perception of reality becomes a spell breaker.

The Spell
The “teddy illusion” is part of a “spell” that Part 2: The Controller - What is He Afraid
perpetuators are in when they build imaginary and

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 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

§ Request
of? § Thoughts
§ Suggestions
This section deals with the anxiety and fears of the
§ Questions
controller and leads you to understand why he does
§ Spontaneous expressions
what he does.
§ Style
§ Beliefs
§ Insights
Plugged In and Powerless § Misgivings
§ Objections
The relationship of a controller and a witness can be § Apprehensions
likened to a parasitic attachment. The controller is
attached to the witness by means of a pretend
person - protected, secure and “being plugged-in”.
The witness on the other hand, suffers devastating The Controller's Identity Dilemma
experience from the oppressive behavior of the Any reality or belief system that doesn't conform to
controller. the controller's perspective can challenge him.
Alienated from inner experience and self acceptance,
While it seems that the controller is all-powerful in the controller increasingly needs assurance that he is
relation to the witness, he feels just the opposite: what he believes to be. He needs to get this
powerless. Controllers live in the ever present peril acceptance from the world around him because he
that the witness will act in a spontaneous way and made himself from the outside in. He opposes the
witness' individuality because he wants to preserve
his identity. Driven by fear to be “socially acceptable”,
he spends his life in pursuit of the right clothes, the
right job and the right friends
People who control fear being
wrong and inferior. As a result,
Fear
they feel that they need to be The author believes that controllers fear their own
experience because it gets in the way of the functions
right, to be one-up, and they had been taught to disregard: their feelings,
sensations and intuitions. Controllers fear that when
win all the time. they show their feelings, they would be hurt further. To
deal with this fear, they sometimes terrorize their
partners so that they could see it “out there” instead of
within themselves. People who control also fear
being wrong and inferior hence they need to be right,
disconnect from them. to be “one-up” and win all the time.

Signs of Separateness Control Tactics

Below are some of the control tactics used by the
It is the witness' individuality that concerns the controller:
controller and threatens to break the control 1. Tightening their grip. The controller usually
connection. Any form of individuality such as a does this by defining another person. Each
different idea or opinion - is a sign of separateness time he does this, he feels more secure and
and is most likely spell breaking. When the witness even happy.
shows sign of separateness, the controller reacts by 2. Diminishing. He let the witness feel that he
doing everything possible to silence all signs of is superior and the witness inferior or smaller.
separateness. Other signs of separateness can be “You're nothing without me” is an example of
the following: a diminishing comment.
§ New ideas 3. Isolating. The controller isolates the witness

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 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

from the former's friends and family. This 2. Making and believing that you are right and
way the witness is relying on the controller the others are wrong.
for everything. This makes it easier for the 3. Finding another spellbound person who
controller to tighten their grip over the shares the same ideas with you and being
witness. close to or bonding with them.
4. Verbal abuse. 4. Getting them to agree with you on who are
5. Stalking. who or who to go against.
6. Road Rage. 5. Joining a group that has already made the
selection for you.

Confabulation
One Mind and the Conformity Connection
Not knowing that they have established a control
connection, not knowing that they fear Just as the controllers want to have the people close
separateness and not knowing that they engage in to them (their pretend person) conform to their mind
such an oppressive behavior, controllers may create and ideals, they also seek people to be one-minded
or “confabulate” reasons for their actions, for what with them. To do so, they may bond together with
transpired and what triggered such assaults. In the others who share a common idea (it can be against a
long run, they may actually start to believe the person, group or change).
reason(s) that they made up.
Conformity holds reality together for some people.
These confabulations allow the controller to feel Furthermore, conformity connections seem to be
sane or to justify their actions. Once the reason is their “lifeboats in the sea of disconnection”.
confabulated, the controller may go one step further Conformity connections maintain unawareness and
and seek agreement from others. If the controller is deepen the spell. Mob mentality and cult compliance
able to align with another person or a group to inflict are some examples of conformity connections where
pain or go against another, the control connection is the power of the compelling force is least understood
magnified. and very much opposed.

Part 3: Group Control - When Control Part 4: Breaking the Spell

Connections are shared. This section tells you how to break the spell and live
aligned to the compelling force.
When spell bounded individuals get together or
align to go against a person or group, they create
mass havoc throughout the world. This section
deals with group control connections. The Compelling
Creative, emotional and social forces compel you
to act in a certain way. The creative force compels
Other “Close” Connections you to create. You use this force for inspiration and to
bring ideas to life. Emotional force fuels your
Healthy groups are bonded together for, and not
determination to stand for justice, to grieve, to radiate
against others. They are supportive of each other
joy, etc. Social force compels you to experience
and respect each other's freedom, ideas, and
contact with others.
opinions. Unhealthy groups, however, are the
opposite. They are bonded together against, rather
While these forces can be positive in nature, people
than for another person or group. People who
who control use these forces backward. These
practice bigotry are examples of unhealthy groups.
persons destroy rather than create, rage rather than
Other examples of evolved confabulations are
feel and isolate rather than socialize.
stereotypes and prejudices.
According to the book, the compelling force is human
Bonding together against others requires:
consciousness itself seeking to know and to
1. Being under the influence of the spell.
experience its own consciousness.

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 CONTROLLING PEOPLE By Patricia Evans

True Connection the spell.

We are all connected to each other and to the world

around us. This knowledge helps controllers let go Spell Breaking Strategies
of their control connections. If they know that they 1. Recognize the reality of your inner truth.
are connected to all, their fears, anxiety and 2. Be aware of boundary invasions.
insecurity will lessen. 3. Do not respond to nonsense as if to make
sense.
When controllers face their fears and feelings, they 4. Build your life on truth.
can begin to connect and deal with them. When you 5. Protect your children.
are connected within, you know what you are 6. Speak up.
experiencing and can make meaning of them. So 7. If someone defines you, say either:
then you will have no need to connect with an illusion a. What?
or a pretend person. b. What did you say?
c. I heard that.
d. Nonsense.
The Strangest Paradox e. What are you doing?
One of the strangest paradoxes is that you are part
of all and apart form all. You are basically both
separated and already connected. Even if you are Clarity
part of a group or a nation or a family, you are still an
individual. You have the freedom to express your To break the spell, controllers must face their fear of
ideas and opinion. You are free to choose the path separateness and the loss of their perfect person and
you want and you are aware of this freedom. perfect identity. When they understand and realize
the reason behind their behavior, they will find out
Both awareness and freedom are interconnected. what they are missing and try to connect within
Without freedom, awareness fades and without themselves
awareness, freedom fades. If freedom of choice is
lost, then life will lose its meaning.
Aligned with the Compelling Force
Awareness of true and inner connection evokes
Breaking the Spell respect and enables you to see what is beneath the
The word “What?” is a spell-breaking response to surface. It aligns you with the compelling force.
nonsense. By saying “what?”, spell breakers don't Alignment with the compelling force and awareness
give controllers the impression that their make- of inner connection allows you to connect better with
believe world is real. When you say this word, others.
several good things happen:
1. You don't hear nonsense so you don't take it When you are open to your experiences, feelings,
in, wonder about it, try to figure it out or intuitions, and sensations, you are equipped to spot
explain it. the spell and the ability to cast it off.
2. You cannot be accused of interrupting.
3. The person who just talked to you has the
opportunity to think and reflect on what they
have said.
4. The person who has attempted to define
you finds it impossible to do so.
5. Every time you say the word, the person
who defines you has the opportunity to
remember what is said and to wake up from

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