Deadpool Script

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Deadpool
By Rhett Reese
Page 1/119
OVER BLACK. Low volume, through a tinny speaker, JUICENEWTON’S ‘ANGEL OF
THE MORNING.’
FADE UP ON:
1 EXT./INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 1
DEADPOOL, in full DRESS REDS and MASK, quietly FIDGETS in theBACK SEAT of a
TAXI CAB as it proceeds along a CITY FREEWAY.
Deadpool adjusts the two KATANAS strapped to his back. Rolls
the WINDOWS up, down, up. Tries futilely to untwist theseatbelt, then
LUNGES forward, locking it up. Rifles througha tourist booklet and tears
out a HAUNTED SEGWAY TOUR coupon.
The CABBIE, young, thin, brown, glances back and forth fromthe rear view to
the road to the rear view.
DEADPOOL :
Kinda lonesome back here.
CUT TO:
back seat and front. His two katanas don’t
cooperate, catching on the Plexiglas, stalling him mid-torso.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Little help?
The cabbie grabs Deadpool’s hand and pulls him through to thefront.
Deadpool’s head rests upside down on the bench seatas he maneuvers his legs
through. The cabbie turns the
helping hand into a HANDSHAKE, then turns down the Juice.
CABBIE :
Dopinder.
DEADPOOL :
(still upside-down)
Pool. Deadpool.
Dopinder is remarkably UNAFFECTED by the lunatic in his cab.
DOPINDER :
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
DEADPOOL:
It’s like Christmas Day, Dopinder. Been
waiting one thousand eight hundred twenty-
two days, three hours...
(checks ‘Adventure Time’watch)
...and thirty-six minutes for this shit.
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(CONTINUED)
Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 2.
1 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL turns himself RIGHT-SIDE-UP in the front seat. He
is YOKED to the gills and ARMED to the teeth. TWIN KATANAS.
TWIN DESERT EAGLE .50 CALIBER PISTOLS.
Deadpool grabs Dopinder’s OPEN BAG of CORN NUTS. Dopinderisn’t quick enough
to stop him. Deadpool gazes out thewindow onto the city - a teeming, sooty
urban sprawl thatlooks almost... pre-post-apocalyptic.
Deadpool turns up his MASK. Dopinder catches a GLIMPSE ofthe bottom of a
SCARRED face. And quickly looks AWAY.
Deadpool eats the CORN NUTS. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. Points.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Nice.
Dopinder eyes his DAFFODIL DAYDREAM AIR FRESHENER and takes adeep breath
through his nose.
DOPINDER :
Smells good, no?
DEADPOOL :
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
A PICTURE of a young INDIAN WOMAN is taped to the dash.
DOPINDER :
Ah yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She
was supposed to make me a very agreeablewife. Mom and Dad chose her rather
excellently. But Gita’s heart has been
stolen by my cousin Bandhu. Bandhu is as
dishonorable as he is attractive.
DEADPOOL :
Dopinder, I’m starting to think I’m inthis cab for a reason.
DOPINDER :
Because you hailed it?
DEADPOOL :
No, my slender brown friend... to giveyou one crucial piece of advice:
Love...
is a beautiful thing. When it finds you,
the whole world smells like Daffodil
Daydream.
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Deadpool’s own heartbreak is palpable. He takes another
deep, cleansing BREATH.
(CONTINUED)
1 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
So hold onto love tight. Go at Bandhu
hard. Get Gita back. Or else... the
whole world will taste like Mama June
after hot yoga.
DOPINDER :
And how does Ms. Mama June taste?
DEADPOOL :
Like two hobos making love under adrizzle of Limburger- I could go all
daylike this. Point is, bad.
Deadpool chucks the bag of Corn Nuts into the back seat and
pulls out his PISTOLS. He starts CHAMBERING shells into two
magazines.
Suddenly, he frantically pats himself down, like a Hollywoodagent who can’t
find his phone.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Shiiiit. My extra mags! I usually leavethem right by the door so I’ll trip
overthem! Someone must’ve moved them...
2 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY 2
A blind late-70’s AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN in a purple floraldress enters the
front door, falls as she trips over an ‘I*HEART* HELLO KITTY’ DUFFEL BAG of
AMMUNITION, PICKS it UP,
and CARRIES it OFF.
3 INT./EXT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 3
DOPINDER :
Shall we turn back?
DEADPOOL :
No time. Not today.
(slides in last bullets)
Ten, eleven, twelve... or bust.
(chambers a shell into eachgun, looks up)
Right here!
The cab SCREECHES to a stop on the shoulder of the highest
FREEWAY in a massive INTERCHANGE of freeways. Dopinder haltsthe meter and
Page 4/119
hands Deadpool his CARD.
DOPINDER :
My card. That’s $27.50.
(CONTINUED)
3 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL:
Oooo. I never carry a wallet when I'm
working. Ruins the lines of my suit.
How 'bout a crisp high five?
Dopinder stares as he and Deadpool slap skin. Deadpool GETSOUT of the cab.
DOPINDER :
Be sure to... ask for me again?
DEADPOOL:
I owe you one. Merry Christmas,
Dopinder.
DOPINDER:
And a convivial... Tuesday in April to
you, Pool... Guy.
Deadpool closes the door with a flourish. Boom.
4 EXT./INT. ‘THE RAFT’ PRISON - MORNING 4
A bone-white ISLAND PRISON, affectionately nicknamed ‘TheRaft,’ looms
ominously in a CITY HARBOR.
Etched in helvetica into the prison wall: ‘No punishment hasever possessed
enough power of deterrence to prevent thecommission of crimes.’ - Hannah
Arendt. Below it, GRAFFITIED
in RED SPRAY PAINT: ‘Until NOW’
The prison’s FRONT DOORS OPEN, and out steps a handcuffedPRISONER, 30’s,
ORANGE JUMPSUIT, broad shoulders, whip-smart,
tightly coiled, with cool, dead-blue eyes. BURLY GUARDS
guide him across a CAUSEWAY toward a CONVOY of Escalades andDucatis on
shore.
The middle Escalade’s door opens. The prisoner stops. The
guards unlock his CUFFS.
GUARD :
You’re someone else’s problem now.
The ex-prisoner STRETCHES his arms and strides TOWARD the
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convoy.
PRISONER :
Yes. I. Am.
CUE SALT & PEPA’S ‘SHOOP:’
5 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 5
DEADPOOL sits on the edge of the highest freeway on theoverpass, legs
dangling over the side like Huck Finn.
DEADPOOL:
Can I get some fries with that shake-
shake boobie? If looks could kill you
would be an uzi.
Deadpool is using some broken CRAYONS to draw something on ascrap of paper.
REVERSE ANGLE to REVEAL a childish drawingof Deadpool SHOOTING another man
in the head, brains blowing
out.
The victim’s thought bubble reads: ‘OUCHIE!!!’ Even throughthe mask,
Deadpool looks pleased by this.
He turns to CAMERA:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Oh, hello, Deadpool here. You may be
wondering whose balls I had to fondle to
get my own movie. Rhymes with
‘Polverine.’ Couple’a smooth criminals.
(ALT:
In a word, gorgeous.
(ALT:
Surprisingly little hair down there.
(ALT:
It’s a jungle down there.
(ALT:
Thick underbrush.
(beat)
Anyway, I smell Oscar. The suit’s gonna
match the carpet. Now... places to be...
faces to fix... bad guys to kill...
ANGLE ON a distant BIRD’S EYE VIEW of the freewayinterchange: an interwoven
tangle of ramps.
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6 EXT. REMOTE AIRFIELD - MORNING 6
AJAX, 30’s, dead-blue eyes, broad shoulders, whip-smart,
tightly coiled stands at ease on a cracked and blistered
tarmac. Behind him, a HEAVILY ARMED CONVOY OF DUCATIS and
ESCALADES. FOUR LARGE ALUMINUM CARGO CRATES sit beside him.
Ajax squints into the sun as A BELL HELICOPTER thrashes the
air above him, kicking up dust as it lands.
(CONTINUED)
6 CONTINUED:
A SERBIAN WARLORD, mid-50’s, sharply dressed, armoredBRIEFCASE in hand,
climbs out. He is surrounded by ARMEDGUARDS.
The Warlord places the BRIEFCASE on the FOREMOST CRATE. Ajaxpops the
case... to find STACKS upon STACKS of THOUSANDDOLLAR BILLS. Satisfied, he
closes the briefcase and hands
it to one of his men.
AJAX :
(bangs crate)
They won’t disappoint.
WARLORD :
They’d better not. And next month’s
shipment?
AJAX :
There won’t be one. Demand is high. You
aren’t the only one with a war to win.
WARLORD :
(steps forward)
That won’t do.
Both sets of armed thugs shift to ready positions.
Ajax smiles calmly, but his free hand DARTS OUT and CASUALLYLIFTS the
warlord into the air by the THROAT. Fingers findtriggers on both sides.
AJAX :
There’s been a small... disruption in oursupply chain. We’ll deliver in
full the
following month. Say, ten percent offfor the inconvenience?
The Warlord manages to nod in acquiescence. Ajax smilesagain, lowers him
gasping to the ground.
AJAX (CONT’D)
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We appreciate your business.
Ajax spins and walks purposefully toward the line of waitingSUV’s.
The warlord angrily motions for his men to begin loading thecrates into the
helicopter, which they do.
WARLORD :
(sotto voce)
Fucking mutant.
(CONTINUED)
6 CONTINUED:
Behind him the convoy of SUV’s and motorcycles pull out,
falling into line as they accelerate past the rows ofderelict aircraft.
7 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 7
DEADPOOL watches as the convoy approaches. He CASUALLY getsup as if
standing up out of an easy chair...
DEADPOOL:
On your mark, get set, go, let me go, let
me shoop...
He PIROUETTES, and DROPS an entire level DOWN...
8 INT. ESCALADE - MORNING 8
THROUGH the SUNROOF of an ESCALADE. SMASH!
There are FOUR HUGE BAD-ASSES inside the S.U.V., two in
front, two behind. Deadpool lands back-middle in a HAILSTORMof GLASS. He
stuns the men to both sides with elbows to the
face as he raises his arms in greeting.
DEADPOOL :
¡Hola! ¡Me llamo Piscina De La Muerte!
(subtitled, in YELLOW:)
Hello! My name is the Pool of Death.
There’s no easy way to say this. I’m
pregnant, Trevor.
(ALT:
Any of you seen Green Lantern? Me
neither.
BOOM! MAYHEM ERUPTS as the two men in back find themselves
sharing a phone booth with the TASMANIAN DEVIL: ELBOWS.
FOREARMS. KNEES. CRACKING. CRUNCHING. SCREAMING.
From BEHIND, the Escalade BUCKS and BOUNCES down the road on
its suspension, almost CARTOON-LIKE.
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A brutal punch spins Deadpool UPSIDE-DOWN, and he rolls withit, uses his
FEET to BREAK the man’s NECK. The other man
stomps on his head, then drags him up and SMUSHES Deadpool’sface into the
seat’s premium trim.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Rich... Corinthian... Leather.
Deadpool HURLS the man through THROUGH the TAILGATE WINDOW.
The man clutches the TAILGATE, DRAGGED behind the S.U.V.
Deadpool sticks his head between the two guys in FRONT.
(CONTINUED)
8 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Scuse, por favor!
The DRIVER SLAMS Deadpool’s head into the console repeatedly.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Deadpool squirms away and WRESTLES VIOLENTLY with the guy inthe PASSENGER
SEAT.
He GRABS the PASSENGER SEAT-BELT, TIES it around the guy’sANKLE, and KICKS
him out the PASSENGER SIDE DOOR. The guy’sHEAD and SHOULDERS SMACK
pavement, where he’s DRAGGEDmercilessly by his ANKLE - a modern COWBOY
whose boot justgot stuck in his horse’s STIRRUP.
Deadpool grabs the driver by the HAIR on the BACK of his HEADand BANGS his
FOREHEAD into:
The horn. HONK. HONK. The stereo. Every time the driver’sforehead SMACKS
the face of the stereo, the RADIO STATION
CHANGES:
MARIACHI. DR. DREW. MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL (’SUNDAY,
SUNDAY, SUNDAY!’). One more SMACK to get us back toMARIACHI.
Deadpool looks in the REAR VIEW MIRROR to see the man in backCRAWL up the
tailgate.
Deadpool PUSHES in the Cadillac’s CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
Back to the DRIVER. Deadpool BASHES his face into theDRIVER’s SIDE WINDOW.
THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
We’re now OUTSIDE the Escalade, seeing the driver’sexpression take on a
ridiculous silly-putty-esque grimace ofpain every time it’s MUSHED into the
glass.
The man in back scrambles forward. The CIGARETTE LIGHTER
POPS OUT. Deadpool YANKS the EMERGENCY BRAKE. The man in
back LAUNCHES forward and SMACKS the DASHBOARD.
Deadpool STABS the now ORANGE-HOT lighter into the man’sforehead, burning
Page 9/119
the COIL PATTERN into his skin. The man
SCREAMS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Loved your work in Daredevil.
Deadpool stuffs the lighter INTO the man’s mouth and CLAMPShis hand over
it.
(CONTINUED)
8 CONTINUED:
The man hollers in muffled agony. A MOTORCYCLE has pulledAHEAD of the
ESCALADE and now sits, STOPPED, in its path.
The helmeted RIDER OPENS FIRE with a SUB-MACHINE GUN.
Deadpool has one hand grasped on the back of the driver’sneck, still
mashing his face into the window glass, and theOTHER hand still clamped
over the second man’s mouth. He
plants both FEET on the steering wheel and ‘drives,’ spinningthe wheel,
sending the S.U.V. into...
...a ROLL. The Escalade goes ENDO, SOMERSAULTING WILDLY.
Suddenly, the ACTION BEGINS TO SLOW...
The motorcycle RIDER tries to bail out. NO LUCK. The
tumbling Escalade PLOWS RIGHT INTO him AND his bike.
Parts scatter off the motorcycle, including its CHAIN. The
RIDER continues to SQUEEZE off ROUNDS as he goes FLYING.
Inside the Escalade, Deadpool goes SPIN-CYCLE. The DRIVER
flies through the sunroof, tearing out its remaining glass.
BLOOD spatters. The other man spits out the glowingCIGARETTE LIGHTER. The
guy whose ankle is still tangled inthe seat-belt FLAILS through the air
like a rag-doll, AHABtied to MOBY DICK.
The action CONTINUES to SLOW... until it FREEZES.
The camera swoops in to Deadpool’s face, upside down.
HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO CAMERA FOR THE FIRST TIME, BREAKING THE
FOURTH WALL, THE ONLY THING IN THE SCENE THAT’S MOVING:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
We RAMP back UP to FULL SPEED. The S.U.V. CARTWHEELS. The
guy’s ankle untangles from the seat-belt. He FLIES hightoward a big HIGHWAY
EXIT SIGN and... SPLAT... out of frame.
The RIDER’s NECK is SLICED by the flying MOTORCYCLE CHAIN.
The DRIVER is half-way out the SUNROOF when the S.U.V. rollsover him.
SQUISH.
The man who ate the CIGARETTE LIGHTER now eats pavement.
VX8 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VX8
A sign reads ‘PROFESSOR XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED
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YOUNGSTERS.
(CONTINUED)
VX8 CONTINUED:
REPORTER (O.S.)
Breaking news. A multicar collision
turns shots fired on the crosstown
expressway...
The sign sits on the perfectly manicured front lawn of thegorgeous Gothic
X-MANSION.
VX8 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS VX8
The X-Men’s COLOSSUS. A GOOD-NATURED GIANT with CHROME METAL
FOR SKIN. BIG AS A BARN. OTHER-WORLDLY STRONG. He is
sitting in the kitchen, eating a bowl of GRAPE NUTS andfinishing a SUDOKU,
his attention suddenly drawn to aTELEVISION SCREEN:
REPORTER :
The assailant appears to be wearing a...
COLOSSUS REPORTER (CONT'D)
Red suit? Red suit.
With an audible CRACK, the pencil in Colossus’ thick fingers
snaps. He rises, muttering Russian curses and stalks fromthe kitchen.
VC8 INT. HANGAR - MOMENTS LATER VC8
Massive STEEL BLAST DOORS emblazoned with a huge “X” slideopen to reveal
COLOSSUS. He walks quickly and purposefullytowards a big plane in the
center of the huge space: the
BLACKBIRD, the X-Men’s modified XR-71 jet transport.
Struggling to keep up with the giant’s long strides is asupernaturally
CUTE, supernaturally DEADPAN 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL,
in an X-MEN outfit. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD.
COLOSSUS:
I’ve given Deadpool every chance to join
us. And what is my reward? More
immaturity and criminality! When will he
finally grow up and see benefits of
becoming X-Man?
NTW:
Like... The house that blows up every few
years? The fashion-forward jump-suits?
I need to get myself kicked out of X-
School.
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COLOSSUS :
But I thought you were at top of class.
(CONTINUED)
VC8 CONTINUED:
NTW :
Was that sarcasm? Awesome.
COLOSSUS:
You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is
most important meal of day.
(hands NTW a protein bar)
Here. Protein bar, good for bones.
Deadpool may try to break yours.
NTW shoves the bar in a pocket of her coat without breakingstride.
9 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - MORNING 9
The S.U.V. slides to a halt ON ITS SIDE, PASSENGER WINDOWS
UP. The rest of the CONVOY is forced to stop BEHIND.
A BUNCH of MEN PILE OUT, each one carrying a BEASTLY GUN andPOINTING it
STRAIGHT at the disabled S.U.V.
The last noise is made by one final dislodged HUBCAP, whichrattles in
little circles until it lies FLAT on the freeway.
TWO SILENT BEATS. Then we hear the soft, ELECTRIC BUZZ of
the Escalade’s middle passenger window ROLLING DOWN. Up popsthe HEAD of
DEADPOOL, like the GOPHER in Caddyshack.
BANG BANG BANG BANG.
DEADPOOL :
Wait, wait...
The head drops, the hands come up. BANG.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Wait! You’re probably wondering. Why the
red suit? It’s so bad guys can’t see me
bleed. This guy has the idea. He wore
the brown pants.
(to camera)
All together now...
The THUGS immediately OPEN FIRE.
Deadpool is already leaping upward, flipping backwards,
bullets tearing the air beneath him as he pulls out those TWOMASSIVE .50
CAL PISTOLS... and in slo-mo, RETURNS FIRE.
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Deadpool keeps count of every bullet he fires:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Twelve..!
(CONTINUED)
9 CONTINUED:
A SHELL-CASING is EJECTED. We enter EXTREME SLO-MO and SWOOP
IN on the shell as it TUMBLES through the air...
...revealing the number ‘00012’ ETCHED in a semi-circle onits butt end.
Deadpool FIRES the second pistol. We move
instantly to the second shell: ‘00011’
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Eleven...
FULL SPEED. The first TWO THUGS get a MOUTHFUL of BULLET.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Ten...
ANOTHER SHOT. A THUG takes one in the HEART. The other
thugs POUR LEAD into the disabled S.U.V.
Deadpool LEAPS UP and OUT of the window, rising ABOVE theincoming shots,
then LANDING SAFELY BEHIND the Escalade.
Deadpool TURNS to SPY a MOTORCYCLE RIDER BEARING DOWN ON HIM.
This rider wears a distinctive SILVER HELMET.
Deadpool raises BOTH pistols. This RIDER LEANS away, dodgingeach slug.
First left, then right, then left.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Nine. Shit! Eight. Fuck! Seven. Shit-
fuck!
The bike WHIZZES PAST safely, firing bullets, DEADPOOLfollows, leaping
high, flipping over the S.U.V.
He lands smoothly the other side, right BEHIND a thug who’slooking in the
other direction as he sneaks around the car.
Deadpool SHRUGS and SHOOTS him in the BACK of the HEAD atPOINT BLANK RANGE.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Six.
The shell tumbles to the ground, falls still. ‘00006’
Deadpool opens the Escalade. His target is NOT THERE.
BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG. Deadpool is nearly BROUGHT DOWN bya particularly
big thug with a particularly big AK-47.
He dives behind another Escalade, takes a moment to search
the interior through the windows... and then flinches as AK47
bullets pass THROUGH the skin of the S.U.V. around him.
(CONTINUED)
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9 CONTINUED:
One of the bullets lands in DEADPOOL’S BICEP. Deadpoolyelps, in pain...
then stuffs some of his torn red suitfabric into the hole to staunch the
bleeding.
Then he scrambles AROUND the S.U.V., trying to close thedistance to this
guy through a WITHERING BARRAGE of fire.
Another of the AK’s slugs SLICES a swath out of the mask onDeadpool’s head,
SINGING his hair.
DEADPOOL.
Fuck. You.
Deadpool lands in FRONT of the thug. The thug pulls histrigger again, only
to - CLICK - realize he’s OUT of BULLETS.
DEADPOOL :
Someone’s not counting. Cinco.
The bullet HITS the thug in the throat. ‘00005’
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Me gusta cinco.
Deadpool STRIDES past the fallen thug, pawing at his singedhair - ow - and
then out of sheer, pumped-up ANGER...
...turns and PUMPS TWO MORE SUPERFLUOUS BULLETS into him.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Four. Three. Stupid. Worth it.
The SILVER-HELMETED MOTORCYCLE RIDER makes another pass,
FIRING. Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. again.
20 yards away, a GROUP of thugs TAKE COVER behind the final
S.U.V. One pulls out a HAND-GRENADE, RAISES HIS ARM tothrow.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(chuckles)
Number two...
Deadpool FIRES, SHOOTING the GRENADE in the thug’s FIST.
BOOM! The whole CLUSTER of THUGS drops.
Deadpool emerges from behind the S.U.V., feeling victorious.
He approaches the final S.U.V. and throws open the doors to
search, expecting to find his target at last.
Inside is a rumpled orange prison coverall, but NOT the
PRISONER. Deadpool gets childishly angry.
(CONTINUED)
9 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
What the shit-biscuit! Where you at,
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Francis?
Worse, CLICK-CLACK. The distinctive COCKING of SHOTGUNS.
3 final THUGS stand on the freeway, lined up perpendicular to
Deadpool, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER, FIRING BENELLI COMBATSHOTGUNS. BAM! BAM!
BAM!
Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. and raises a PISTOL. We
ZOOM IN through the CHAMBER to spy the last BULLET, POISED infront of the
FIRING PIN:
‘00001’
Deadpool thinks, then LEAPS from behind the ‘SCLADE, TWISTSforward and
right.
All 3 THUGS FIRE again. BUCKSHOT rips into DEADPOOL’s BACK.
But he LANDS so that all 3 men are now parallel to him...
...in A SINGLE-FILE LINE.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
One.
BOOM! We’re with the FINAL BULLET as it HURTLES from the gunand passes
THROUGH the first man’s head... then the SECOND
man’s head... and SMACKS the third man in the forehead.
This third man, the BIGGEST THUG YET, HITS the DECK.
Deadpool puts his mouth to his pistol barrel, INHALES... andthen EXHALES
smoke through the pores of his mask.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I’m touching myself tonight.
But then, as if by magic, the third thug STIRS... and STANDS.
The SLUG has LODGED partway in his FOREHEAD, having lost just
enough momentum that it didn’t make it all the way through.
The thug sneers, plucks out the slug, wipes away some blood,
and rolls up his SLEEVES.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
Deadpool reaches back. We hear the THRILLING SOUND...
(CONTINUED)
9 CONTINUED:
...of STEEL BLADES being DRAWN. Out come Deadpool’sTRADEMARK KATANAS. The
thug’s eyes widen as...
...SWOOSH... the blades swing through the air and SKEWER him,
between two different ribs and out the BACK.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I know what you’re thinking...
The action SLOWS again to a FREEZE. Deadpool is in mid-
slice, muscles bulging.
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DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I’ll bet he works out. So what if I am
pulling the double shift at the ab-
factory? What if I do want my man menu
to feature the shredded beef? Call it
insecurity. But I haven’t touched a carb
since...
10 INT. FOYER, TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT - PAST 10
Title:
A sleazy, mid-thirties MAN, GAVIN MERCHANT, decked out inDRAGON PRINT
V-NECK and STUDDED JEANS, is MID-ARGUMENT with a
late teen, pimply-faced PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, whose name-tagreads: JEREMY.
MERCHANT:
Will it help if I slow down? I didn’t.
Order. The pizza.
JEREMY :
This 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
(off nod)
And you’re... Mr. Merchant?
MERCHANT:
The Mr. Merchant who didn’t. Order.
The. Fucking. Pie.
JEREMY :
Then who placed the call?
A TOILET flushes in another room, and both men turn.
WADE (O.S.)
I did.
(CONTINUED)
10 CONTINUED:
The VOICE comes from over Merchant’s shoulder. WADE WILSON
(the future DEADPOOL, MINUS the SCARS and SUIT), handsome,
boyish, cheerily steps from through a doorway and into theliving room
wiping his hands on a towel.
Merchant STARES, incredulous.
WADE (CONT’D)
Pineapple and olive?
Jeremy NODS.
Page 16/119
WADE (CONT’D)
Sweet and salty.
MERCHANT :
The fuck are you? And what are you doingin my crib?!
Without even turning toward Merchant, Wade PULLS OUT A .50CALIBER DESERT
EAGLE PISTOL and nonchalantly AIMS it at him.
Merchant and Jeremy both go pale.
WADE :
(to Jeremy)
Burnt crust?
JEREMY :
God I hope not.
(opens the box, winces)
Words cannot express-
WADE :
Relax, son, that’s hows I likes it! Once
you go black, you never go back!
(takes pizza)
MERCHANT:
(stammering)
This is about the poker game, right? I
told Howie... Listen, take whatever youwant!
Merchant fumbles with his wallet and starts to hand Wade the
bills inside. Wade takes the ENTIRE WALLET instead.
WADE :
Thanks!
JEREMY:
(to Wade)
Uh. Sir? Before you do anything to him.
Could I have a big tip?
(CONTINUED)
10 CONTINUED:
WADE :
(already munching)
Page 17/119
Jeremy, is it?
JEREMY :
Yeah.
WADE :
Wade Wilson.
(quick fist bump)
Jeremy, that’s a no go on the tiperoo.
I’m not here for him.
(levels gun at Jeremy)
I’m here for you.
Jeremy’s eyes widen. Wade holds up a YELLOW CARD, featuringan embedded SIM.
Below the logo of a CYPRESS TREE is thename of Wade’s intended target:
‘GARRETT, JEREMY.’
Merchant breathes a sigh of relief.
MERCHANT :
Dodged a big time bullet on that o-
Wade PISTOL-PUNCHES/POKES Merchant in the forehead. Merchant
howls.
WADE:
(re:
Not out of the woods yet. You need to
seriously ease up on the bedazzling.
They’re jeans, not a chandelier.
(sniffs)
And the Axe body spray.
JEREMY :
(sheepish)
That’s unfortunately me.
WADE :
PS, I’m keeping your wallet. Ya did
kinda give it to me...
MERCHANT :
Can I at least have my Sam’s Club cardbaaa-
Wade points the pistol at Merchant again, sending himbackpedaling into a
chair.
Page 18/119
WADE :
I will shoot your fucking cat.
(CONTINUED)
10 CONTINUED:
MERCHANT :
I don’t have a cat!
WADE :
Then whose kitty-litter did I just shitin?
(turns to Jeremy)
Anyhoo, you by chance know a MeghanOrlovsky? Getting that right? Orlovsky?
Orloskvy? Do you?
Jeremy manages a timid little NOD.
WADE (CONT’D)
Good. ‘Cause she knows you.
Wade holsters the pistol and WHIPS out a HUNTING KNIFE. He
twirls it adeptly... but instead of holding it to Jeremy’sneck... CUTS
himself a SLICE of PIZZA.
WADE (CONT’D)
What situation isn’t improved by pizza?
Wade shovels half the slice into his mouth, revealing an ArmySPECIAL FORCES
TATTOO on his forearm: A SKULL WEARING A
GREEN BERET, BACKED BY A BLADE, AND THE WORDS ‘DE OPPRESSO
LIBER’ (official motto of the U.S. Army Special Forces).
WADE (CONT’D)
(through chews)
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who
take a dime to beat a fella down.
(cuts another pizza slice)
Little Meghan’s not made of money, butlucky her, I’ve got a soft spot.
Wade brings the next pizza slice over to Merchant. Wade
nearly hands it to him but lets go too soon. The slice falls
flat - pineapple down - onto the floor at Merchant’s feet.
JEREMY :
B-but I’m-
WADE:
(returns to Jeremy)
A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. Thoughnot nearly as bad as serrated steel.
Wade pokes the end of his knife into Jeremy’s chest, pinninghim against the
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wall.
WADE (CONT’D)
So keep away from Meghan. We cool?
(CONTINUED)
10 CONTINUED:
JEREMY :
Y-yeah.
A beat. In a huge ANTI-CLIMAX, Wade deftly twirls his knifeAWAY from
Jeremy’s chest, SPINS it on his finger, and JAMS itback into its SLEEVE.
WADE :
Then we’re done.
JEREMY :
W-we are?
WADE:
Soft spot, remember? But even look in
her general direction again? You’ll
learn in the worst of ways.
(pats Jeremy’s cheek)
I’ve got some hard spots too.
(pauses)
That came out wrong. Or did it?
11 EXT. SKATE PARK - NIGHT - PAST 11
SKATE PUNKS carve on ramps built into the sides of a highwayunderpass. A
group of TEEN GIRLS are perched at the bottomof the nearby stairs, texting
each other from inches away.
An old-fashioned GHETTO BLASTER bangs ‘SHOOP.’
SALT & PEPA
I love you in your big jeans.
GIRLS :
(join chorus)
You give me nice dreams. You make me
wanna scream...
Boom. A PIZZA BOX lands at their feet. On top of it lands aPOLAROID
PICTURE.
WADE (O.S.)
"Oooo, oooo, oooo!"
A FRIZZY-HAIRED EMO GIRL picks up the Polaroid... of aterrified JEREMY
Page 20/119
holding another pizza box that has been cut
into a heart, the words ‘I’m Sorry’ scrawled onto it, a PEESTAIN
on his JEANS, and a laughing WADE photo-bombing withthe knife to his neck.
She looks UP to see:
Wade bobbing to the music.
WADE (CONT’D)
You’ve seen the last of Jeremy.
(CONTINUED)
11 CONTINUED:
The girl - MEGHAN ORLOVSKY - leaps up and HUGS Wade tight.
WADE (CONT’D)
That’s why we do it.
GIRL #2
Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad?
GIRL #3
How ‘bout Vice Principal Renwiki?
WADE :
(suddenly serious)
What’d he do to you?
GIRL #3
Suspended me for smoking.
WADE:
(turns to go)
Good for him! Sorry, ladies. Me no digcigs. And I may look mean. But if I
give a guy a pavement facial? He earned
it.
Wade gives Meghan a smile, turns to leave.
MEGHAN :
Hey. Thanks. You’re my hero.
The word catches Wade like a punch to the gut. Hero?
WADE :
That I ain’t.
Wade doesn’t turn back, walking through the swooping skaters.
A12 EXT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST A12
A grimy SIGN on a grimier brick building reads: ‘SISTER
MARGARET’S SCHOOL FOR WAYWARD GIRLS.’
12 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 12
Inside, society’s DREGS. Chief among them, BOOTHE: a HUGE,
Page 21/119
menacing hipster with a BOY SCOUT CAP and MASSIVE HANDLEBARMOUSTACHE. He’s
got some DUDE’s fingers splayed out on thebar, jabbing a KNIFE POINT
between them as fast as he can.
WADE shimmies past, backslaps BOOTHE:
WADE :
Boothe!
(CONTINUED)
12 CONTINUED:
BOOTHE :
(turns, smiles)
Heya, Wade!
We hear a STAB and a SCREAM.
Wade winces as he continues on to the BAR, claims a STOOL and
waves over the lone bartender - WEASEL, early 20’s, geeky,
glasses. Think Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail.’ Then think the
opposite.
WEASEL :
Wade Wilson, Patron Saint of the Pitiful.
What can I get you?
WADE :
I’d love a blow-job.
WEASEL :
We got that in common.
WADE :
The drink, moose-knuckle. But first...
Wade digs in a pocket, slaps the YELLOW ‘HIT’ CARD, the onewith the CYPRESS
TREE, on the bar.
Weasel goes to the register. Scans the card. Peels off
three ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS. Lays them out like a bankteller. Wade
PUSHES the MONEY AWAY...
WADE (CONT’D)
I ain’t taking allowance money. Make
sure it gets back to Ms. Osflorsky?
Onroflensky? Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free?
WEASEL :
Page 22/119
Orlofsky. For a merc, you sure are warmblooded.
Bet you let the boy off easy-
peasy, too.
WADE:
(embarrassed)
He’s not a bad kid, Weas. Just a little
light stalking. I was way worse at hisage- traveling to far-off places -
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville
(shudders)
- meeting new and exciting people
(CONTINUED)
12 CONTINUED:
WEASEL :
And killing them. I’ve seen yourInstagram. What was Special Forces doingin
Jacksonville, anyway?
WADE :
Classified.
(whispers)
They have a wonderful TGIFridays. Those
guys know their way around a LoadedPotato Skin. The point is, I’m trying
toput those days in my rear-view.
Weasel puts the finishing touches on the drink, pushes itacross the bar to
Wade.
WEASEL :
Kahlua, Bailey’s, whip cream. Fellatio
in a glass.
A burst of laughter turns Wade’s attention to BUCK, a BAD-ASSin a snakeskin
jacket, has a crowd gathered round him, mid-
story. He too is holding a YELLOW CARD with SIM and CYPRESSTREE.
BUCK :
So he’s staring at my Glock in his mouth,
like...
(mouth full)
‘I thought you guys had a code!’ And I’m
like, ‘Yeah, no kids. No women. Almost
fooled by your tits. But the moustache?!
The crowd CRACKS UP.
Page 23/119
Wade pulls out Gavin Merchant’s wallet and teases out aTWENTY. He grabs a
passing waitress, tucks the bill in hershirt pocket and sets the blowjob on
her tray.
WADE :
Kelly, you mind taking this over to Buck?
Tell him it’s from Boothe.
(whispers, to Weasel)
Little foreplay.
Weasel follows Wade’s gaze to the end of the bar, where achuckling BOOTHE
wraps a bandage around the guy’s bloodyhand.
WEASEL :
Remind me what good comes of this?
(CONTINUED)
12 CONTINUED:
WADE:
I don’t take the shits. I just disturb
them.
Weasel allows himself a tiny conspiratorial SMILE.
SMASH CUT TO:

13 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT 13
WADE, in medium shot, TEARING UP at the famous Steven Seagalbar fight from
‘OUT FOR JUSTICE’ on T.V. as... SMACK...
BAM... a REAL bar fight goes on - OUT OF FOCUS - behind him.
WADE:
(trailer voice)
It's a dirty job... but someone's gotta
take out the garbage.
Wade finally turns around to watch. BUCK finishes off
Boothe... then pours the BLOW-JOB on top of him.
WEASEL grabs a hand mirror, hops over the bar, and crosses toBoothe. All
the PATRONS fall HUSH as WEASEL holds the mirror
to Boothe’s mouth. Boothe’s BREATH FOGS it up.
WEASEL :
Still kicking.
The place ‘oooooohs.’ Near miss. Weasel returns to his
place behind the bar, looking disappointed.
Page 24/119
WADE:
Lemme guess. Ya got Boothe in Sister
Margaret’s dead pool.
WEASEL :
Um. See. About that-
WADE :
You did not bet on me to die.
(looks up at board,
incredulous)
You bet on me to die.
Wade leans back and looks up at an ENORMOUS CHALKBOARDhanging above the
bar: ‘Sister Margaret’s DEAD POOL.’
Below, a long LIST of NAMES. DOLLAR AMOUNTS to the right ofthe names. More
NAMES to the right of the dollars.
Indeed, ‘WEASEL’ has chosen ‘WADE.’ Wade looks betrayed.
(CONTINUED)
13 CONTINUED:
WADE (CONT’D)
Weasel, you’re the world’s worst friend.
Joke’s on you. I’m living to 102. Like
those old Quaker biddies on the TodayShow. And retiring on my winnings.
WEASEL :
Wait, who did you pick?
Weasel looks up a the board, where ‘WADE’ has claimed:
‘BIEBER, J.’
WADE :
The Biebs. But I’m probably wrong.
Nothing bad ever happens to teen starswho make 80 mil a year and think
they’reimmune to the pitfalls of addiction and
consequence. He’ll be fine.
(raises shot, yells)
Drinks on me, soldiers of fortune!
MERCENARIES :
Hooah!
VANESSA :
Page 25/119
Whoa, whoa...
Wade turns to see a woman on his other side: VANESSA.
Brunette. Silver-blue eyes. Tank. Tiny jean-shorts.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?
Wade looks Vanessa all the way up and down... then holds uphis PINKIE.
WADE :
Tight.
Vanessa raises her own pinkie. Shakes like a pinkie swear.
VANESSA :
Vanessa.
WADE :
What’s a nice place like you doing in agirl like this?
BUCK (O.S.)
It ain’t what she’s doing, it’s who.
BUCK walks past and SLAPS Vanessa on the caboose.
(CONTINUED)
13 CONTINUED:
BUCK (CONT’D)
I’d hit that shit.
Wade pushes back his stool, stands menacingly.
WADE :
Buck, you’d best apologize, before-
But Vanessa doesn’t wait for Wade’s chivalry. She blows
right by him and grabs a fistful of Buck’s crotch. Buck
gasps.
WADE (CONT’D)
Yeah, that.
VANESSA :
(to Buck)
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
BUCK :
I’m sorry! I have no filter between mybrain and mouth. I’m working on it.
Wade takes Vanessa’s shoulders.
WADE :
Page 26/119
OK, he apologized... hakuna his tatas...
Vanessa lets Buck go, turns on Wade.
VANESSA :
(let’s go)
And you(
shakes Wade off)
Hands off the merchandise.
WADE :
Merchandise? So, what, you, uh, bump
fuzzies for money?
VANESSA :
Yup.
WADE :
Rough childhood?
VANESSA :
Rougher than yours. Daddy left before Iwas born.
WADE :
Daddy left before I was conceived.
(CONTINUED)
13 CONTINUED:
VANESSA :
Ever had a cigarette put out on yourskin?
WADE :
I didn’t know there was any other place
to put one out.
VANESSA :
I was molested.
WADE :
Me too. Uncle.
VANESSA :
Uncles. They took turns.
Page 27/119
WADE :
I watched my own birthday party from thekeyhole of a locked closet, which
wasalso my-
VANESSA :
Bedroom? Lucky. I slept in a dishwasherbox.
WADE :
So you had a dishwasher. I didn’t know
sleep. It was pretty much 24-7 of ballgags, brownie mix, and fun-house
mirrors.
VANESSA :
Who would do such a thing?
WADE :
Hopefully you. Later tonight.
(beat)
And my Uncle Kevin.
Wade EMPTIES the rest of Gavin’s wallet:
WADE (CONT’D)
What can I get for two-hundred-seventythree bucks... and a Yogurtland
rewardscard?
Vanessa shoves the bills into her halter:
VANESSA :
About forty-eight minutes of whatever you
want...
(peers at card)
And a low-fat dessert.
(CONTINUED)
13 CONTINUED:
Wade grins at her like a kid on Christmas morning.
14 INT. ARCADE - NIGHT - PAST 14
A two-shot of WADE and VANESSA staring at each other, inprofile. Wade looks
really excited.
WADE :
Time to put balls... in holes.
REVERSE ANGLE to reveal two SKEEBALL MACHINES in the ARCADE.
Wade inserts tokens, and balls CLUNK down.
Page 28/119
Vanessa looks half amused, half weirded out.
WADE (CONT’D)
You said whatever I want.
VANESSA :
I get it. You love skeeball. Apparentlymore than you love vagina.
WADE :
Tough call. Just trying to get to knowthe real you... not the plunging-
necklined, short-shorted, two-dimensional
sex object peddled by Hollywood.
Wade slowly turns to CAMERA. REVERSE ANGLE TO his P.O.V.:
A ten-year-old BOY stops in his tracks, his gaze moving fromVanessa’s
plunging neckline to her short shorts.
BOY :
Nice tits!
VANESSA :
Thank you, son.
(tousles boy’s hair)
You know how to make a woman feel
special.
Vanessa reaches down, grabs two balls, hands one to Wade.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Balls in holes.
WADE :
Prepare to lose tragically.
VANESSA :
Bring it, big man.
(CONTINUED)
14 CONTINUED:
Wade smiles slyly, sizes up the ramp, rears back andOVERHANDS the first
ball... right into the 50,000 CUP.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Ruh-roh.
15 INT. ARCADE PRIZE COUNTER - LATER - PAST 15
A beaming WADE bellies up to the prize counter and lays amassive armful of
pink TICKETS on top.
Page 29/119
WADE :
The limited edition Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, por favor.
TEEN :
You’re roughly three hundred thousandtickets short.
(beat)
It’s nickel-silver-plated.
WADE:
(disappointed)
Then I guess the tire-grade rubberVoltron keychain.
VANESSA places a measly TEN tickets of her own next to them.
VANESSA :
And the... pencil eraser.
The weary TEEN behind the counter hands Wade the low-rentVOLTRON KEYCHAIN,
and Vanessa the eraser.
TEEN :
(reads keychain package
copy, bows)
You are now the sworn protector of thegentle people of the planet Arus...
(re:
spin:
And you... you can... erase stuff...
written in pencil.
Wade extends his arm chivalrously:
WADE :
M’lady?
VANESSA :
Unfortunately, my anus-loving friend,
your forty-eight minutes are up.
(CONTINUED)
15 CONTINUED:
WADE :
Arus. And you’re more evil than evilKing Zarkon himself.
Page 30/119
Wade rubs his keychain wistfully, then offers it up.
WADE (CONT’D)
How many more minutes for this?
(hard sell)
FYI. Five mini lion-bots come togetherto make up the super-bot.
VANESSA :
(faux-excited)
Five mini lion-bots?!
(matter-of-fact)
Three minutes.
WADE :
(gives keychain up)
That’s all I’ll need!
ALT:
WADE :
What do we do with the remaining twominutes thirty seven seconds?
VANESSA :
Cuddle?
Vanessa smiles and takes Wade’s arm. They walk out of theARCADE
affectionately...
...to the SOUNDS OF TIRELESS, ATHLETIC SEX.
16 EXT./INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 16
VANESSA (O.S.)
How long can you keep this up?
DUCT TAPE fails to cover a big multi-fissured CRACK in theWINDOW of Wade’s
CRAPPY APARTMENT. Inside, WADE has VANESSA
up against the wall decorated with CHRISTMAS LIGHTS that haveoverstayed
their welcome and a CALENDAR. They are going atit like RABBITS.
WADE :
(raises eyebrow)
All year?
(CONTINUED)
16 CONTINUED:
Dolly Parton’s ‘HERE YOU COME AGAIN’ kicks in, and we...
DISSOLVE INTO:
Page 31/119
17 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - DAY 17
A MONTAGE of images: Fun, irreverent SEX around the CALENDAR
between WADE and VANESSA, identified by various holidays.
VALENTINE’S DAY SEX. WADE falls back onto a bed covered in
rose petals with VANESSA on top of him. She has drawn a
heart on his chest in red lipstick. They go at it hard...
then pause for a romantic look and kiss.
VANESSA :
Happy Valentine’s Day...
Then IMMEDIATELY go back to hard pounding.
CUT TO:
A medium shot of the top half of VANESSA. She is on hands
and knees, rocking back and forth. WADE leans into frame
from behind.
WADE :
Happy Chinese New Year’s...
VANESSA :
(smiles)
Year of the Dog.
They go at it even harder.
SMASH CUT TO:

The same exact locked-off medium shot, only WADE is now onhands and knees.
His expression betrays great stress.
VANESSA leans into frame from behind.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Relax... Happy International Women’s
Day...
Wade girds himself, then lets out a surprised, WHIMPERY YELPas some
pioneering object journeys into his virgin lands.
CUT TO:
WADE in bed, legs wrapped around VANESSA’s neck, being orallypleasured.
(CONTINUED)
17 CONTINUED:
WADE :
Happy Fourth of July!
Page 32/119
We see FIREWORKS through the skylight above.
CUT TO:
WADE sitting in an arm-chair, fully dressed, reading glasseson, purusing a
book. VANESSA is reading in a chair opposite,
also wearing reading glasses.
VANESSA :
Happy Yom Kippur...
(ALT:
Happy Cesar Chavez Day...
(ALT:
Happy Lent...
(ALT:
Happy Lyme Disease Awareness Day...
(ALT:
Happy Wednesday...
CUT TO:
VANESSA in bed where Wade last was. Now her legs are wrappedaround HIS
neck, and he’s pleasuring her.
WADE :
(muffled)
Happy Halloween...
VANESSA :
Oo... ow...
WADE :
(muffled)
Sorry.
(takes out Vampire teeth)
Happy Halloween...
Wade goes back to work.
CUT TO:
WADE and VANESSA banging it out one last time, missionarystyle.
VANESSA :
Page 33/119
Happy Thanksgiving.
(ALT:
Happy Wednesday.
(CONTINUED)
17 CONTINUED:
Cut WIDE to reveal that they’re on top of the KITCHEN TABLEduring
THANKSGIVING DINNER. Wine spills, cranberry saucetopples, mashed potatoes
launch. ALT: BREAKFAST FOOD
INSTEAD.
Nothing takes away from the joy of the moment.
18 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 18
A CHRISTMAS WREATH hangs on Wade’s wall.
WADE (O.S.)
If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and
your right leg is Christmas...
WADE strikes a pose, HANDS on HIPS, wearing an AWFUL, AWFULCHRISTMAS
SWEATER. And NO PANTS.
VANESSA sits against the bed’s HEADBOARD, SHEET pulled overher, up to her
chin. She quickly lowers the sheet.
Revealing an APPALLING CHRISTMAS SWEATER of her own.
WADE (CONT’D)
...can I visit you between the holidays?
VANESSA:
Y’know, red’s your color. Brings out the
bloodshot in your eyes. Christmas gift!
Catch!
Vanessa tosses something to Wade. It lands in his hands.
WADE :
Holy fucking shit.
It’s the nickel-silver-plated Voltron RING, all three hundred
thousand tickets worth.
VANESSA:
Limited edition. I had to give the kid
behind the counter a rub and tug. I’m
kidding. I’m not kidding. I’m kidding.
It was nearly five full months of
Skeeball.
Page 34/119
WADE :
(beams)
Y’know, I’ve been doing some thinking...
VANESSA :
Really.
(CONTINUED)
18 CONTINUED:
WADE :
...about why we’re so good together.
VANESSA :
Why’s that?
WADE :
Your crazy matches my crazy. We’re like
two jigsaw pieces... weird curvy edges...
but fit us together, you can see thepicture on top.
Wade plants a kiss on Vanessa. She sits up on her knees.
VANESSA :
Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, only‘cause you haven’t gotten around
toasking me
(pregnant pause)
Wade, will you-
VANESSA (CONT'D)WADE
Stick it in my-? Marry me?
VANESSA :
Uhh... jinx?
Wade reaches back and pulls out an ENGAGEMENT-RING-LIKE BOX.
Vanessa can barely contain her excitement.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
You’re not wearing pants. Where exactlywere you hiding that?
A vulnerable Wade hands her the box and stands there with the
look of... ‘Open it. Open it!’
WADE :
They say one month’s salary.
Vanessa opens the box... to reveal a CANDY RING.
WADE (CONT’D)
Page 35/119
Slow month. I’ve been waiting for thisday like Boss Hogg waits to get to
thecrazy cheesy crust...
VANESSA :
You mean-?
WADE :
I do.
(CONTINUED)
18 CONTINUED:
VANESSA :
That’s my line. I love you, Wade Wilson.
WADE :
Thought you charged extra for that.
VANESSA :
I did. At my old job.
WADE :
So that’s a-?
Vanessa stares. Swallows. Pulls him back into bed and
WHISPERS ONE SILENT WORD into his ear (’Yes’). Wade jumps upand DANCES
around the room all goofy, POP, LOCK, & ROBOT.
VANESSA :
Easy. I can take it back.
Wade dives back into bed, SPOONS with Vanessa, wrapping herin his ARMS,
touching his cheek to hers.
WADE :
What if I never let go?
VANESSA :
Just rode a bitch’s back, like Yoda on
Luke?
WADE :
(contented sigh)
‘Star Wars’ jokes?!
Page 36/119
VANESSA :
(corrects)
‘Empire.’
WADE :
It’s like I made you in a computer.
Wade swoons, reaches, grabs a POLAROID CAMERA off his nightstand,
and holds it at arm’s length.
WADE (CONT’D)
(Yoda voice)
Cheese, say!
The flash POPS. For this one moment, his life is...
WADE (CONT’D)
Perfect.
Wade hands Vanessa the photo. Then...
(CONTINUED)
18 CONTINUED:
WADE (CONT’D)
Wee break.
...bounces up to go to the BATHROOM. Vanessa gazes at thephoto, which is
already FADING IN. Wade notices.
WADE (CONT’D)
Shake it like a-Uh. You get it.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Here’s the thing. Life is an endless
series of train-wrecks with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
This had been the ultimate commercial
break. Which meant it was time to
return...
Wade peels off his Christmas sweater... and STEPS CONFIDENTLYBACK TOWARD
THE BED. But before he gets there...
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
...to our regularly scheduled program.
...HE PASSES OUT, FACE-PLANTING ONTO THE FLOOR.
19 INT. ONCOLOGY WARD - DAY - PAST 19
WADE is sitting in a doctor’s office, VANESSA by his side,
opposite a solemn ONCOLOGIST. Every image suggests BAD NEWS:
A COMPLEX looking MRI IMAGE of the CIRCULATORY SYSTEM on aBACKLIT VIEWING
TABLE. SWEAT STAINS under Wade’s arms.
Vanessa GRIPPING his hand. The LOOK on the DOCTOR’s FACE.
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WADE :
You’re clowning. You’re not clowning? I
sense clowns.
DOCTOR :
People react to news of late-stage cancerdifferently.
Wade and Vanessa turn and share a devastated but loving look.
VANESSA :
(to doctor, springs into
action)
So what do we do? Surely there’ssomething... we can... do. I mean, myuncle,
he was diagnosed with thyroidcancer, and there was this new
experimental drug that
(CONTINUED)
19 CONTINUED:
The VOLUME of Vanessa’s voice FADES until we can SEE her
talking but no longer hear the words:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, people do react differently.
Vanessa’s already working on Plan A. B.
All the way to Z. Me? I’m memorizingthe details of her face. Like it’s the
first time I’m seeing it. Or the last.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson?
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Believe it or not, this is only the ninthshittiest thing that's ever
happened to
me.
DOCTOR (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson?
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Stick around. Number 6 is coming right
up.
DOCTOR :
Take your time to process this.
20 EXT. FREEWAY - DAY 20
DEADPOOL HAS AJAX PINNED TO THE FREEWAY RAIL.
DEADPOOL :
You know how many people I’ve killed tofind you?
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AJAX :
Actually, I do.
DEADPOOL :
So you’re aware I’ve been waiting a long,
long time for this. And now I’m finally
gonna...
(ALT:
So you’re aware of the category 5 fuck-
storm that’s coming.
(ALT:
Then you know what’s coming. I’m about
to do to you what Sugar Ray did to themid-nineties.
A massive SHADOW passes over AJAX and DEADPOOL, accompaniedby LOUD METALLIC
FOOTSTEPS. Ajax looks up, a bit awed.
(CONTINUED)
20 CONTINUED:
Deadpool senses something, reaches back with one hand,
feels...
...what turns out to be Colossus’s METALLIC CROTCH.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Dad?
COLOSSUS GRABS Deadpool’s WRIST, CHUCKS him THROUGH the AIR,
ASS OVER TEAKETTLE.
21 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - LATER - PAST 21
A CLOSE-UP of a Deadpool ACTION FIGURE from ‘X-Men Origins.’
Mouth sewn shut. Blades implanted into wrists.
In the exact same POSE we just saw the real Deadpool.
Sitting in a nightstand DRAWER in Wade’s apartment.
WADE (O.S.)
This is my most prized possession.
Wade looks like he’s reaching into the drawer for the actionfigure, but
instead, reaches just UNDER it to grasp Wham!’s‘Make it Big’ album on
Vinyl. He pulls out the album.
VANESSA :
Wham?
WADE :
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Wham!
(cradles album lovingly)
‘Make it Big’ was the album George and
Andy earned their exclamation point.
Wade places the album carefully into one of two OPENSUITCASES on the floor
next to him. He is currently goingthrough his possessions, TOSSING OUT the
crap and placing thegood stuff into the suitcases.
Wade pulls out the action figure.
WADE (CONT’D)
But this. A little piece of me died the
day this came out...
Wade DUNKS the action figure in the trash can. VANESSA
stands opposite, arms crossed, FUMING.
VANESSA:
So I’m s’posed to just... smile and wave
you out the door?
(CONTINUED)
21 CONTINUED:
WADE:
Think of it as a spring cleaning. Onlyif spring was death.
(pulls out BERNADETTE PETERS
CHANGE PURSE)
If I had a nickel for every time Ispanked it to Bernadette Peters.
(opens purse, it’s full ofnickels)
Looks like I do.
Wade TOSSES the purse toward one of the suitcases. Vanessa’s
hand stabs out and GRABS it.
VANESSA :
Bernadette’s not going anywhere.
(slam-dunks purse back intodrawer)
‘Cause you’re not going anywhere.
WADE :
Right! The tumors are only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain. All the
things you can live without.
VANESSA :
You know what I mean. You belong here athome. Surrounded by your Voltron...
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andyour Bernadette... and your me.
WADE :
Babe, we’ve been through this! Cancer’s
a real shit-show. A Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the-Spin-Doctors-at-the-IowaState-
Fair shit-show. And under no
circumstances will I take you to thatshow. I want you to remember me me.
VANESSA :
Well, I want to remember us us.
(that doesn’t sound right)
We we?
WADE :
I swear, I’ll find you in the next life.
And boom-box ‘Careless Whisper’ underyour window. Wham!
VANESSA :
Are you gonna keep saying it like that?
Look, I get this impulse. I do.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
21 CONTINUED:
VANESSA (CONT'D)
Before I met you, I used to fantasizeabout dying alone in the woods,
tornapart by wolves.
WADE :
Super fucking bad-ass.
VANESSA :
But that was then, and this is now. Walk
out that door. I dare you. I will ride
you out. And I won’t let go. Yoda on
Luke.
Vanessa embraces Wade. Tight. Won’t let go. A TEAR
trickles down Vanessa’s CHEEK.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
(into Wade’s ear)
If you’re willing to fight. There are
still options. We’ll find them.
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Together.
WADE:
(smiles)
I just realized! I win! My life’sofficially more fucked-up than yours.
VANESSA :
No one’s boom-boxing shit.
Vanessa interlaces her pinkie with Wade’s. Smiles.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
What do we we have to lose?
WADE :
Nothing. Everything.
Vanessa leans in, and the two start to KISS.
22 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - PAST 22
VANESSA, horizontal, limbs akimbo, ASLEEP in bed. She stirs,
feels next to her for Wade. He’s NOT THERE.
REVEAL WADE standing at the bedroom window. His P.O.V. of
the moon makes it look FRACTURED by the cracked glass.
RACK FOCUS to Vanessa’s REFLECTION. She, too, looks
fractured. Wade’s eyes well with TEARS at the sight of her.
Cancer will steal the one thing that ever mattered.
Vanessa’s cracked reflection suddenly RAISES its HEAD.
(CONTINUED)
22 CONTINUED:
WADE :
Sorry. Liam Neeson nightmare. I
kidnapped his daughter, and he justwasn’t having it.
Wade slides back into bed.
WADE (CONT’D)
They’ve made three of those movies. At
some point you wonder if he’s just a bad
parent.
Wade lies on his back. Vanessa nestles her head lovinglyagainst his chest.
He takes a vulnerable look at her, then
stares at the ceiling, LOST.
RS22 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT RS22
Wade slips quietly out of bed...
...slips on a hoodie and a backpack...
...opens the door... takes one last longing look at
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Vanessa...
...and slips into the hallway, closing the door behind him.
Vanessa is left to feel for Wade in the dark.
A22 EXT. STREET - NIGHT A22
WADE walks down the street into the night.
He pulls a crumpled card from his jacket pocket: the black
card with the recruiter’s number.
Still walking, Wade pulls out a cellphone and dials.
23 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 23
Just another night at SISTER MARGARET’S WAYWARD SCHOOL FORGIRLS. Regular
crowd has shuffled in. Tonight, a bit thin.
WADE is bellied up to the bar, disheveled, unkempt, and
distraught. WEASEL leans in:
WEASEL :
Jesus. Someone needs a blow-job and ashower. Though courtesy calls for
thelatter first.
(CONTINUED)
23 CONTINUED:
WADE :
Three shots of Patron Silver, Weez. And
a cure to terminal cancer.
WEASEL :
(hands over a greenconcoction)
Fresh out of Patron. Wheatgrass?
WADE :
You’re starting to sound like Vanessa...
With SHAKY HANDS, Wade empties his POCKETS, placing CRUMPLEDBROCHURES on
the bar.
WADE (CONT’D)
She sent away for all these colorfulclinic brochures. I hear Chechnya’s
nicethis time of... never. Then there’s
China... Central Mexico... Know how theysay ‘Cancer’ in Spanish? ¡El
Cáncer.’
Wade pulls out one last thing from his pockets: A POLAROID
of HIMSELF and VANESSA. He stares. Weasel notices.
WEASEL :
This belongs on the wall. I want to
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remember you when you looked... alive.
Wade scrapes up a smile as Weasel tapes the picture to theBIG BAR MIRROR.
Weasel pours a second wheatgrass shot.
Clinks Wade’s glass. They throw them back. WINCE.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
Almost forgot...
Weasel slides Wade a distinctive black BUSINESS CARD across
the bartop.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
Guy came in asking for you. Real Grim
Reaper type.
Wade’s gaze follows Weasel’s gesture across the barroom,
where an ominous MAN in a BLACK SUIT sits ALONE at a table.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
I don’t know? May further the plot?
CUT TO:
23A INT. SISTER’S MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 23A
WADE dead-man-walks to the back of the bar. He passes BOOTHEand BEEF on his
way. They nod solemnly, like cops at afuneral procession honoring one of
their own.
BEEF :
Wade.
Beef offers Wade his shot. Wade eeks out a smile. Throws it
back. Then continues on. Wade stops next to the MAN’sTABLE.
WADE :
Forget your scythe?
The man, even creepier from close up, SMILES.
RECRUITER :
Mr. Wilson. Have a seat.
(Wade sits, long pause)
I understand you’ve recently been
diagnosed with terminal cancer.
WADE :
Stalker alert.
RECRUITER:
It’s my job. Recruitment. And you have
quite a reputation. I’m sorry you’ve had
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a tough go. But you’re a fighter. And
not just for Johnny Canuck, impressive as
your stint in special forces was. Forty-
one confirmed kills?
WADE:
(bitter)
One every seven weeks. Same rate most
folks get a hair-cut.
Wade grabs the recruiter’s drink and throws it back.
WADE (CONT’D)
To wash the taste out. It’s hard to
forget being so... impressive.
RECRUITER:
Now you spend your days sticking up for
the little man, slitting small time
throats for small time folks.
WADE :
People change.
(CONTINUED)
23A CONTINUED:
The recruiter leans uncomfortably close.
RECRUITER:
(low, conspiratorial)
Speaking of which... Mr. Wilson, Irepresent an organization that may beable
to help. What if I told you we cancure your cancer? And what’s more,
giveyou abilities most men only dream of?
WADE :
I’d say you sound like an infomercial.
And not a good infomercial, like SlapChop. More Shake-Weighty.
(jack-off motion)
RECRUITER :
The world needs extraordinary men. We
won’t just make you better. We’ll make
you better than better. A super-hero.
WADE :
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I already tried the hero business. Let’s
just say it left a mark. The only chanceyou’ll see me again is if I hit
‘fuck-
it.’
24 EXT./INT. GUADALAJARAN CLINIC WAITING ROOM - DAY - PAST 24
A DILAPIDATED, SKETCHY MEDICAL ‘CLINIC’ haunts the cityscapein GUADALAJARA,
MEXICO.
WADE (V.O.)
For now, I’ll get through this with theone I love.
A sickly-looking WADE is on the final stop in his futile
quest to find a cure. DESPERATE. Among the MOST DESPERATE.
He sits in a pathetic muzak-filled WAITING ROOM. Wearing aSOMBRERO and
clutching VANESSA’s hand. Her fingers areinterlaced in his, once perfectly
manicured nails chewed tothe quick.
Vanessa is also wearing a SOMBRERO, and ANXIETY on her face.
Wade COUGHS SEVERELY, REPEATEDLY into a HANDKERCHIEF.
Wade turns to the sweet ELDERLY COUPLE sitting next to him,
ekes out a smile. The old man plays with some WORRY BEADS.
(CONTINUED)
24 CONTINUED:
WADE :
(pulls out Spanish-Englishelectronic translator)
De donde eres?
ELDERLY WOMAN :
Boca Raton.
WADE :
Ah. The fancy part of Mexico.
ELDERLY MAN :
We’ve moved in with my son. To afford
the treatment.
Wade looks pained to hear this.
WADE :
Cancer? Sorry - ¿El Cáncer?
ELDERLY MAN :
Stage four.
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WADE :
Toughest part of the Tour de France.
VANESSA :
Very hilly.
The elderly man gestures to the souvenir PATCHES sewn ontoWade’s ‘HELLO
KITTY’ DUFFEL: CHECHNYA. CHINA. INDONESIA.
ELDERLY MAN :
Logging some frequent flier miles?
WADE:
(bone-weary)
Final stop on Desperation World Tour,
2016, which I believe was also the name
of the Stones’ last concert...
VANESSA :
‘Final’ because this is where we find the
cure.
A MOTHER and her stoic young SON sign in with the NURSEbehind the front
desk. The boy has lost all his HAIR.
NURSE :
No cheques de viajero. No pesos. Cash.
Americano.
(CONTINUED)
24 CONTINUED:
Wade grows upset as the mother counts out hard-earned CASH.
The boy reaches for a BOX filled with CHUPACHUPS (lollipops).
The nurse scolds:
NURSE (CONT’D)
Chupachups cuestan extra!
WADE (O.S.)
(angry)
Hey!
The nurse looks coldly at Wade. He stares back, eyes hard,
then gets up and lays a crumpled dollar on the counter.
WADE (CONT’D)
(ice cold)
It’s on me.
The nurse blinks, then stands, checking a CHART.
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NURSE :
Señor... Abe Solomon?
ABE and his WIFE get up. The nurse motions for Mrs. Solomon
to stay in the waiting room.
ABE :
(to Wade and Vanessa)
Handsome couple. Good luck to you two.
Abe drops his WORRY BEADS. Wade bends to retrieve them, then
stands with effort and gently hands them to Abe.
WADE :
Good luck to you, Pops.
Wade sits back down, and his eyes find the LITTLE BOY: his
SUNKEN EYES. His MISSING HAIR. His LOLLIPOP, CLUTCHED like
the richest treasure.
Wade turns to look at Vanessa, who’s also staring at the boy.
Even though Vanessa is healthy, she, too, looks sick. No
makeup. Dirty hair. Dark circles under her eyes. When she
looks at Wade, it’s clear she, not he, most needs comfort.
Wade pulls Vanessa close and strokes her hair with atrembling hand. Abe
disappears. Wade watches with a newlydark look of suspicion.
25 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY - PAST 25
ABE lies shirtless on an UNSANITARY operating table, a trayof RUSTY
surgical KNIVES nearby.
A MAN with a pock-marked face stands over him in a white labcoat with
blue-stitched cursive writing: ‘Dr. Delgado.’
DOCTOR :
Buenos días, Señor Abe.
‘Doctor’ Delgado pokes and prods with his fingers, as ifAbe’s mid-section
is Play-Doh.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Voy a llegar dentro de tu cuerpo.
ABE :
I’m sorry. No hablo español, doc.
The doctor’s other hand dips below the table, comes updripping with
something bloody. He kneeds at wrinkled skin
smearing the CHICKEN BLOOD across Abe’s flesh.
DOCTOR :
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De que se cure! Señor Abe, you arecured.
The doctor holds SMELLING SALTS under Abe’s nose. His closed
eyes jerk open to see the doctor’s gloved hand CLUTCHING ahuge, bloody
‘TUMOR.’
Abe pushes himself up, peers down at his bloody abdomen with
awe. The doctor wipes the blood away and helps him up.
ABE :
(tearing up)
Thank you. I owe you my life.
As Abe shuffles out, the doctor turns away to dump the‘tumor’ in the trash
and wash his bloody hands in a basin.
DOCTOR :
(over his shoulder)
¡Proximo! Next!
WADE (O.S.)
Already here, hombre.
Dr. Delgado nearly JUMPS at the sight of WADE, alreadystanding in the OPEN
DOOR of the room, looking DANGEROUS.
(CONTINUED)
25 CONTINUED:
DOCTOR:
So sorry, you surprise me. How...
long... you standing there, Señor?
Wade walks slowly TOWARD the doctor, who steps out nervouslyfrom BEHIND his
table. The two stand face-to-face. Wade
smiles... angles his foot UNDER the OPERATING TABLE...
...and uses it to SLIDE something out from underneath thetable: a BUCKET of
BLOODY CHICKEN GIZZARDS that double as
removed ‘tumors.’ Wade’s RAGE seems to grow by the INSTANT.
WADE :
Long enough...
Delgado senses he is suddenly in danger, picks up a rustySCALPEL from his
tray. Wade moves toward him. DelgadoLUNGES, He STABS WADE in the shoulder,
then RUNS.
Wade TACKLES him. In Wade’s weakened state, the fightbecomes an intense
STRUGGLE. The two FALL and WRESTLE. The
BUCKET of GIZZARDS overturns. They roll around in slop.
The doctor squirms out of Wade’s grasp and crawls into thehallway. Wade
Page 49/119
wriggles after him, tugging at his ankle.
26 INT. WAITING ROOM / HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 26
The MUZAC still plays. VANESSA smiles warmly/sadly at thelittle BOY, who is
unwrapping his CHUPACHUP.
Suddenly... a SCREAM and cries for help in Spanish. The
NURSE and an ALARMED VANESSA rush toward the shouting.
27 INT. HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 27
At last, WADE’s fury has overcome his physical weakness. He
straddles the DOCTOR’s CHEST. His expression is that of aman who’s LOSING
his SHIT.
Wade RAISES THE SCALPEL, SLASHES at the doctor’s throat, then
STABS him in the heart. The doctor writhes, spasms, gurgles,
and falls still.
Chest heaving, Wade raises his head to see... at the FAR ENDof the HALL:
VANESSA - frozen, TERRIFIED. A blood-soaked Wade locks eyeswith her and
swims back up into SANITY... ‘What have I done?’
This is a horrific glimpse into Wade’s murderous past...
...and the look on Vanessa’s face is one of HORROR and PAIN.
(CONTINUED)
27 CONTINUED:
Awash in shame, Wade staggers to his feet, slips on chickenblood, and
LUNGES in the other direction. He hits the door
at the end of the hall at a RUN.
28 STAB! 28
The sword, covered in BLOOD, penetrates the crayon drawing ofthe recruiter
on DEADPOOL’s CORKBOARD.
DEADPOOL :
Thank you, Agent Smith.
Deadpool lasers in on AJAX’s picture at the top of thepyramid.
29 EXT. GUADALAJARA STREET - SUNSET - PAST 29
WADE leans against a wall, gasping for breath. He looks back
toward her voice, face a mask of pain. Instead of seekingher... he melts
into the busy street.
30 EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY 30
DEADPOOL trudges to his FRONT DOOR. He speaks to theAUDIENCE:
DEADPOOL:
Some kind of anger can’t be managed.
Like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting
dismembered! That said... when it comes
Page 50/119
time to licking wounds... there’s no
place like home, and I share that home
with someone you met, the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al. She’s like
Robin to my Batman. Except she’s old.
And black. And blind.
POPS INSIDE:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
And I think she loves me. Wait... pretty
sure Robin loves Batman, too.
31 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 31
WADE, ghastly, nearing death, lies BACK onto a STRETCHER,
covered only by a FLIMSY HOSPITAL GOWN. He’s being wheeleddown a dim
corridor by two tough-looking ORDERLIES.
In one hand, he holds the recruiter’s crumpled BUSINESS CARD.
In the other, he clutches the limited edition VOLTRON RING,
as tight as his shaky hand allows.
(CONTINUED)
31 CONTINUED:
They turn a corner and push through a pair of double doorsinto a cavernous
room. Wade looks around, full of hope for anew life. Immediately, every
single thing he sees/hearsbegins to erode his confidence. The RECRUITER
stands justinside the doors, smiling.
RECRUITER (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson! Nothing warms my heart like
a change of someone else’s.
Walking into Wade’s P.O.V. is the creepy RECRUITER. He beams
down on Wade.
RECRUITER (CONT’D)
You finally hit ‘fuck-it.’
WADE:
Worse. Just promise you’ll do right by
me. So I can do right by someone else.
RECRUITER :
Of course.
WADE:
Oh, and please don't make my super suit
green. Or animated.
Page 51/119
RECRUITER :
I hope you enjoy your stay.
The ‘Workshop,’ as this old warehouse is affectionatelycalled, has been
converted into a working LABORATORY.
Wade is wheeled through a vast room containing rows ofindividual ‘tents,’
each containing a SUBJECT. Wade’s eyesDART to helpless SILHOUETTES.
We hear WHISPERS, WHIMPERS, MOANS.
A FELLOW PATIENT, a pathetic, terrified little man namedCUNNINGHAM, is
wheeled past Wade, restrained on anotherSTRETCHER. Cunningham briefly locks
eyes with Wade, but
quickly moves on by.
Wade can’t help but be alarmed by the TERROR in Cunningham’s
eyes.
The tents are illuminated by BLINDING overhead lights. Wade
spies GRUESOMELY INTIMIDATING MEDICAL EQUIPMENT.
Wade is wheeled into the tent that’s his new home. The
FIGURE who was pushing Wade DUMPS him onto a CHROME OPERATINGTABLE and
roughly STRAPS him down.
(CONTINUED)
31 CONTINUED:
WADE :
Um. My first request? A warmer table.
(shivers)
And warmer hands.
Wade DOUBLE-TAKES at the sight of the figure above him:
ANGEL DUST - thirties, female, tall, sexy, athletic - anAmazonian warrior
in another age.
Angel Dust wheels over a high-tech I.V. DRIP, complete withglass
cylindrical tanks housing a glowing, viscous LIQUID.
Then she roughly straps Wade’s NECK to the table. Wade
nearly GASPS, the color now officially drained from his face.
WADE (CONT’D)
Easy! Aren’t you a little strong for alady? I’m calling wang.
ANGEL DUST :
You’d like that, huh. Welcome to our
little hospital.
WADE :
It doesn’t look like a hospital. It
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looks like Chlamydia holding still.
An UNLIT MATCHSTICK protrudes from Angel Dust’s teeth - heridea of a
TOOTHPICK.
WADE (CONT’D)
Oral fixation?
ANGEL DUST :
Shut. The fuck. Up.
Angel Dust places a FINGER on Wade’s FOREHEAD and SHOVES hishead back
against the table - BANG - pinning it there.
AJAX (O.S.)
Patience, Angel. All in good time.
Enter AJAX, whom we know as the PRISONER from the RAFT with
whom we’ve seen Deadpool tangle in the PRESENT. This is the
first Ajax and Wade have met.
WADE :
Can I expect turndown serv-?
Ajax nods to Angel Dust. BOOM! She GAGS Wade with SURGICAL
TUBING, then wraps it around the TABLE, immobilizing hishead.
(CONTINUED)
31 CONTINUED:
AJAX :
You’re a talker.
Wade’s eyes are wider than ever. WTF?
AJAX (CONT’D)
(disarmingly matter-of-fact)
Mr. Wilson, my name is Ajax. I managethe Workshop. My ‘welcome’ speech
usedto be full of euphemisms like ‘You mayfeel some discomfort.’ But I’ve
grownblunt.
Ajax unsheathes an I.V. NEEDLE. Angel Dust up-tilts thetable 45 degrees,
then readies a holographic monitor.
AJAX (CONT’D)
The Workshop is not a government program.
It’s a private institution tasked withturning reclamation projects
likeyourself into men of extraordinaryabilities. I’m about to remake
yourlife. But if you think cancer curespainlessly, you’re wrong. If you
thinksuper-human powers are acquiredpainlessly, you’re wrong.
Ajax touches Wade with the I.V. NEEDLE, pressing here andthere, not QUITE
hard enough to break skin. At last, he
locates the subclavian vein. Wade flinches.
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AJAX (CONT’D)
We’re injecting you with a serum thatactivates mutant genes. For it to
work,
we need to subject you to extreme stress.
The liquid glows FLUORESCENT through Wade’s white skin as itpumps into the
pulmonary highway.
AJAX (CONT’D)
You’ve heard the whole make-an-omelette,
break-some-eggs bit?
(Wade blinks)
I’m about to hurt you, Wade. The kind of
hurt I can’t describe and you can’tprepare for. It’s cruel stuff. And
there’s no way out for you. No secret
you can tell me. No soft spot in me toappeal to.
Wade stares at them in shock.
(CONTINUED)
31 CONTINUED:
ANGEL DUST :
What, you expected Weapon X?
Ajax starts to TURN AWAY, but stops.
AJAX :
One more thing. What’s the ad? ‘I’m not
just the president. I’m a client?’ I’ve
been through this procedure myself. It
made me stronger. It also scorched mynerve endings. So I no longer feel
pain.
In fact...
(smiles)
I no longer feel anything.
Wade reacts by SAYING something - made UNINTELLIGIBLE by thesurgical
tubing. Ajax nods to Angel Dust, who slices theSURGICAL TUBING, SNAPPING it
away and FREEING Wade to TALK.
WADE :
Something in your teeth.
Ajax smiles WITHOUT opening his mouth, signals Angel Dust.
She slams Wade’s head back again as he turns to leave.
Before he exits, Ajax hesitates, can’t help but check histeeth in one of
the surgical mirrors.
WADE (O.S.) (CONT’D)
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Made you look! Hey, is Ajax your realname? ‘Cause it sounds suspiciously
made
up. What’s it really? Steve? Mark?
Trevor? Kyle?
(E.T. voice)
Elliot?
We hear LAUGHS from nearby tents. Wade is now playing for anaudience.
AJAX :
Joke away. The one thing that neversurvives this place is a sense of humor.
WADE :
We’ll see!
AJAX :
(to Angel Dust)
All yours.
We re-take WADE’S P.O.V. as Angel Dust, chewing her
matchstick, re-enters frame above him, smiles, then puncheshim in the face.
Black.
32 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT/DAY - MONTAGE - PAST 32
A MONTAGE of Wade’s treatments in the Workshop, set to thenotes of JOHN
DENVER’s inspirational classic, ‘I WANT TO
LIVE.’ Juxtaposed with HARROWING VIGNETTES of Angel Dust andAJAX
experimenting on WADE...
...as he GASPS, CLAWS, SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER.
Wade is DUNKED into thick, molasses-like LIQUID. PULLED and
YANKED, POKED and PRODDED by contraptions that would haveshamed the Spanish
Inquisition.
SAWED. COMPRESSED. SLICED. DICED. SLAP-CHOPPED. BLED.
LONG SYRINGES PLUNGE DEEP INTO SOFT TISSUE.
SCALPELS MAKE LONG INCISIONS.
ENDOSCOPIC CAMERAS TRAVEL THROUGH THE BODY, REVEALING THE
DIRTY WORK OF INVASIVE SURGICAL EQUIPMENT.
STAPLE-GUNS DRIVE STAPLES INTO SLICED SKIN TO PULL IT BACK
TOGETHER.
MINIATURE CIRCULAR SAWS SLICE THROUGH BONE.
IV’s PULL FLUIDS FROM THE BODY AND INSERT OTHER FLUIDS IN.
JOHN DENVER :
I want to share what I can give. I want
to be... I want to live!
We also see SHORT, ULTRA-FAST MINI-MONTAGES of medical
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instruments, implying the PASSAGE of TIME.
32AA INT. WORKSHOP - MONTAGE - NIGHT 32AA
Over images of:
INJECTION:
AJAX (V.O.)
The serum I’m injecting you with targetsany mutant genes lurking in your
DNA.
TORTURE:
AJAX (V.O.)
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for theserum, so we must subject you to
extreme
stress.
(CONTINUED)
32AA CONTINUED:
AJAX (V.O.)
If you’re lucky, the mutant genes willactivate and manifest in
spectacularfashion.
AJAX (V.O.)
If not, we’ll have no choice but to keephurting you in new and different
ways.
Each more painful than the last.
32AA INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 32AA
AJAX :
Until you finally mutate. Or die.
33 INT. WORKSHOP - WADE’S TENT / WORM’S TENT - NIGHT 33
At last, Wade is laid back down on his table, only now inQUIET DARKNESS,
MEEK, WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE whatever.
CUNNINGHAM (O.S.)
Puppies.
In the tent NEXT to Wade, CUNNINGHAM holds up his FIST to the
fabric. Wade can see it through the cloth in SILHOUETTE.
CUNNINGHAM (CONT’D)
It helps picturing puppies.
Wade gives Cunningham a KNUCKLE BUMP through the fabric.
WADE :
Puppies.
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CUNNINGHAM :
Or kittens. If you swing that way.
WADE :
(chuckles)
I swing both ways.
Wade swallows hard, grows serious:
WADE (CONT’D)
But me, I’ve been making a list of thingsI still plan to do.
CUNNINGHAM :
A bucket list?
(CONTINUED)
33 CONTINUED:
WADE :
I prefer fuck-it list: Naked tandem base-
jumping with the WNBA’s SacramentoMonarchs... Sparking up a spliff with
theOlympic torch...
CUNNINGHAM :
Finishing my Lego Millenium Falcon...
WADE :
Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch
oven...
CUNNINGHAM :
Making my kids banana pancakes...
AJAX (O.S.)
With the mouse ears? Creative, and
delicious.
AJAX and ANGEL DUST enter CUNNINGHAM’s tent and beginprepping him for a
fresh round of torture.
AJAX (CONT’D)
It’s OK, I encourage distractions. Can’t
have you giving up on us, can we now, youlittle worm?
Suddenly, a VOICE calls out from the adjacent tent:
WADE (O.S.)
Don’t take that shit, Cunningham! How
tough can he be? Name like Francis.
Ajax is very subtly SURPRISED. WHAT did Wade just say? WADE
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is still strapped down inside. Talking nice and LOUD:
WADE (CONT’D)
That’s right! He got ‘Ajax’ off a dish-
washing liquid!
(laughs from nearby tents)
Legal name’s Francis. F-R-A-N-C-I-oops.
Ajax has ENTERED Wade’s tent. Ajax’s expression tells us allwe need to know
about the validity of Wade’s claim.
With as much freedom of motion as he has in one hand, Wade
WAVES a STUB of PAPER at Francis.
WADE (CONT’D)
Dry-cleaning tag, Francis. Snagged itoff your lab coat.
(beat)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
33 CONTINUED:
WADE (CONT’D)
FYI. I may be able to get you the superhero
discount.
CLOSE-UP on the tag, which reads ‘FREEMAN, FRANCIS.’
Ajax stares hard at Wade with menacing eyes.
AJAX :
You are so relentlessly annoying. Shut
the fuck up, or I’ll sew that prettymouth shut.
WADE :
Uh, I wouldn’t do that. Here’s the
problem with round-the-clock torture.
You can’t really step it up from there.
AJAX :
Is that what you think?
WADE :
Yeah. Francis. That’s what I think.
34 OMITTED 34
V35 EXT/INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS V35
Two ORDERLIES and ANGEL DUST finish strapping Wade down andattaching
ELECTRODES to his head and chest. Wade is BOUND to
a HOSPITAL BED that’s ENCASED in a large CAPSULE ofPLEXIGLAS.
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The top half of the capsule is hinged to one side, OPEN,
allowing Angel Dust access to Wade.
Ajax sits eating a meal from some Tupperware in a nearbychair.
AJAX :
Seems your genes are as stubborn as you.
But we can still increase your suffering.
We don’t even have a name for this next
toy.
Various WIRES and TUBES run out of the capsule, connected toOXYGEN TANKS,
DIALS, and a MONITOR tracking BRAIN and HEART.
AJAX (CONT’D)
We reduce the oxygen in the air to theexact point you feel like you’re
suffocating.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
35 CONTINUED:
AJAX (CONT’D)
If you start to pass out, and your brainwaves slow, we turn up the O2. If
youcatch your breath, and your heart rateslows, we turn it back down. And
we
leave you. Right. There.
WADE :
Um. What?
AJAX :
Waterboarding is the most severe stressknown to man. This device prolongs
that
stress. For hours, days, weeks...
Angel Dust chews her match and TAPS the capsule with aFINGER.
ANGEL DUST :
Or if you keep yapping, years...
WADE :
And I thought you were dicks beforethis.
AJAX :
The saddest part? You still think we’re
making you a super-hero. You.
Dishonorable discharge. Beating up pizza
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guys. Hip deep in hookers. You’re
nothing. I’d call you an asshole, butI’d have to answer to assholes. Little
secret, Wade. The Workshop doesn’t makesuper-heroes. It makes super-slaves.

We’re gonna fit you for a control collarand auction you to the highest
bidder.
(finishes meal, gets up)
Who knows what they’ll force you to do.
Put down freedom fighters. Murder
innocents. Or maybe just mow a lawn or
two.
ANGEL DUST :
There’s a brave face.
Ajax goes to close the lid.
WADE :
Seriously. Now you do have something inyour teeth.
AJAX :
Enjoy the weekend!
(CONTINUED)
35 CONTINUED:
Ajax swings the capsule CLOSED and LOCKS it. The sound leaks
away until all that’s left is a HISSING SOUND as AJAX hitsBUTTONS to lower
O2 LEVELS.
Wade’s voice drops out as his breathing suddenly grows SHORTand SHALLOW.
The oxygen dials fall. His HEART-RATE SOARS.
ANGEL DUST :
(chuckles)
He looks like a turd in a punch-bowl.
AJAX :
(bright idea)
The ‘Punch-Bowl!’
Wade fights off panic. His breaths become desperate GASPS.
There’s not enough air to talk, or even SCREAM.
DISSOLVE TO:
35A INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER 35A
Night. Eerily DARK, SILENT.
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An extreme CLOSE-UP of Wade’s hand, nails clenched into the
surface of whatever he’s lying on. Is his skin... actuallyBUBBLING?
Two MEN enter the tent and stand over the PUNCH-BOWL.
CLICK. One of the men turns on a surgical light overhead,
revealing himself to be a KINDLY-looking DOCTOR, avuncular,
thick glasses. Next to him is an ORDERLY. The doctor peersthrough the
Punch-Bowl’s lid. He is SURPRISED by what he
sees. He nods to the orderly: ‘Go on, hurry.’
The orderly quickly unlocks and unlatches the lid, thenswings it OPEN. Air
RUSHES INTO the PUNCH-BOWL. The orderlysteps away, leaving the doctor alone
in the room.
WADE, hidden in darkness, gasps as though surfacing afterbeing held
underwater.
The doctor casts a SHADOW over WADE’s face inside. The
doctor is FASCINATED, ENLIVENED.
DOCTOR:
Mr. Wilson... these results are
remarkable.
Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR.
(CONTINUED)
35A CONTINUED:
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Your cancer cells are more aggressivethan ever. Dividing and metastasizing
ata fantastic rate.
WADE :
(broken, breathless)
Yippee.
DOCTOR :
But... the cells have inalterablychanged. They’re no longer destructive,
but productive, selectively targeting andreplacing damaged tissue.
WADE :
That was a lot of... what’s the word...
syllables. Are you saying I’m better?
DOCTOR :
Better than better. A miracle.
WADE :
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(weak smile)
My Mom used to call me that.
(ALT:
Me and Jesus.
(beat, to doctor)
Thank you. I owe you my life.
Wade grows choked up. The doctor is taken with empathy andaffection. He
tenderly brushes the hair off Wade’s forehead,
of which the camera catches the tiniest glimpse. Wade’s skin
is not RIGHT somehow.
DOCTOR :
There. There. Your journey’s been longand difficult. But you’ve
becomesomething extraordinary. Just rest now.
Rest.
The doctor slowly exits. Wade lies there. Actually relaxes.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Then, just when I thought I could breathe
easy...
Who appears over the PUNCH-BOWL but...
...AJAX.
(CONTINUED)
35A CONTINUED:
AJAX :
Oo. Someone lost his shot at homecomingking.
WADE :
You f-fucking sadistic-
AJAX :
No. Not fair. Everything I’ve done toyou has been in your best interest.
Even
this next bit. You may be cured, but youstill need to learn to be a better
man.
Polite. Respectful. What better way toteach you than to close this lid...
andkeep torturing you stupid.
Ajax SLAMS the lid shut, LATCHES and LOCKS it. The hissing
resumes. Wade’s eyes grow wide. He starts to slip-slidetoward absolute
ANGUISH.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
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If you think I’m losing my marbles ‘causeI can’t breathe. You’re only half
right.
Ajax appears to be looking in at Wade. But we RACK FOCUS to
reveal he’s looking at his REFLECTION in the Plexiglas lid,
checking for stuff between his teeth.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, if Francis was able to see his
reflection...
The camera SWINGS around to Wade’s POINT-OF-VIEW of Ajaxthrough the glass
lid, which has been newly ILLUMINATED bythe surgical light above...
...and then RACKS FOCUS to WADE’s REFLECTED FACE. Covered
with HORRIFIC SCARS. Wade is no longer a handsome young man.
You know what they say. You always
He is a monster. Which is perfectly visible to him one foot
away.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
remember your first time.
Wade throws back his head in a SILENT SCREAM.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Even 5 years later...
36 EXT./INT. SCRAP-YARD / GROUND - DAY - PRESENT 36
Back in the PRESENT, we find ourselves in a huge SCRAP-YARD,
where various ships, planes, etc. are sold for scrap iron.
Among various vehicles is an OLD, BATTERED COMBAT CARRIER,
long given up for dead.
A heavy truck navigates through the heaps of scrap-metal andgrinds to a
stop in front of the carrier.
Two heavyset MEN climb down and head toward the back of thetruck, heave the
heavy door open.
AJAX and ANGEL DUST stand just inside, boxes and gear piledup behind them.
They hop down as four more rough-looking menpile out behind them.
Angel Dust drags out a WOODEN CRATE. The planks crunch asshe digs her
fingers into the wood and heaves it up on oneburly shoulder as if it
weighed no more than a sack of flour.
Heavy AMMO peeks through.
ANGEL DUST :
Better to be the hunter than the hunted.
Ajax and Angel Dust walk across the muddy yard toward aservice elevator
bolted to the rusting hulk of the carrier.
AJAX:
Either I kill him, or he kills me. Let’s
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put him out of our misery...
VA37 INT. GARBAGE TRUCK - DAY VA37
DEADPOOL lays horizontal. He is speaking to the AUDIENCE:
DEADPOOL :
There... all caught up.
He CLIMBS up and out of the GARBAGE TRUCK.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(yells to driver)
Thanks for the lift! Apologies if I bled
in the recyclables.
37 INT./EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 37
A mid-city DUPLEX. Borderline ghetto. Semi-furnished,
‘first apartment’ quality: futons and torchiere lamps.
(CONTINUED)
37 CONTINUED:
Stained carpet, currently being swept by a roaming ROOMBA.
IKEA... everywhere.
The same old AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN we glimpsed early in themovie - late
70’s - purple floral dress - sits on a rattycouch, where the typical old
woman might KNIT.
Instead, this old woman uses a BOX-CUTTER to lay waste to aBIG CARDBOARD
BOX from IKEA - the ‘IVAR SHELVING UNIT.’
She lays out its components and tools on a wobbly IKEA NORNASCOFFEE
TABLE...
...made more difficult by the fact that she is completelyBLIND. This is
Deadpool’s roommate, BLIND AL.
Suddenly, Blind Al’s KEEN EAR picks up a faint, distantKNOCKING. She cocks
her head to LISTEN.
38 EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 38
ANGLE ON THE FRONT YARD:
Dirt. No grass. ‘93 Chevy Avon up on BLOCKS. An exhausted
DEADPOOL is slumped against his own front door, red suit, nomask, no right
HAND. He is KNOCKING weakly on the door withthe SIDE of his HEAD.
39 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 39
ANGLE ON THE LIVING ROOM:
BLIND AL stands up in comfy creme nursing shoes. Grabs her
red-tipped CANE. And shuffles toward the front door...
...when she is TRIPPED by the ROOMBA. She FACE-PLANTS.
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
(from outside)
Let’s get ready to Rooooooomba!
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BLIND AL :
(under breath)
Ass-hat.
Al SWINGS her cane angrily, again and again, trying to hitthe robotic
vacuum, which moves happily just out of reach.
She reaches her knees and stretches for the door when...
...DEADPOOL SPRINGS it open from outside, SLAMMING it intoher HEAD. Blind
Al goes down again.
(CONTINUED)
39 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
Morning, roomie!
(sniffs)
This place reeks like old lady pants.
BLIND AL :
(still supine)
Yes. I’m old. I wear pants.
DEADPOOL :
But you’re no lady.
Blind Al struggles to a sitting position. Deadpool walkspast her in his
socks, drops his muddy BOOTS to the floor andslips into a pair of
POWDER-BLUE CROCS parked just inside thedoor.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
So comfy.
BLIND AL :
Upside of being blind: I’ve never seen
you in Crocs.
DEADPOOL :
You mean my big rubber masturbatin’shoes?
BLIND AL :
Yes I know. Downside of being blind: I
hear everything in this duplex.
Deadpool walks bitterly past one wall of the DUPLEX, which is
COVERED - WALL-to-WALL, FLOOR-to-CEILING, with CHRISTMAS
ADVENT CALENDARS.
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Tons of ornaments/candies/etc. adorn the calendars. There’s
not ONE CALENDAR left uncovered.
DEADPOOL :
One-thousand eight-hundred twenty-twoornaments pinned to
two-hundred-sixtycalendars. All for a ‘Christmas’ that...
never... came!
BLIND AL :
Too much naughty, too little nice.
DEADPOOL :
Sit on a stick.
DEADPOOL SPLAYS OUT on a white futon, MOANING, nursing hishorrifying wound.
(CONTINUED)
39 CONTINUED:
BLIND AL :
Bactine?
DEADPOOL:
(dripping sarcasm)
Yeah. Bactine should do it. How’s the
Kullen coming? IKEA doesn’t assemble
itself.
Blind Al sits back on the ratty couch and begins applying thefinishing
touches to the shelving unit.
BLIND AL :
You’re telling me. I don’t mind the
Kullen. It’s an improvement on theHurdal.
DEADPOOL :
Anything’s an improvement on the Hurdal.
I’d have taken a Hemnes... or even a
Trysil... over the Hurdal. But I didn’t
get excited ‘til I saw the Kullen.
BLIND AL :
Screw please.
DEADPOOL :
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Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it’s
been decades for you.
BLIND AL :
You’d be surprised.
DEADPOOL :
And totally grossed out!
Blind Al turns the final screw, beyond unenthusiastic.
BLIND AL :
Ta. Dah.
The dresser look like the Leaning Tower of Piza in shittyparticle board.
Deadpool TOSSES a DIRTY MAGAZINE on top.
The Kullen COLLAPSES.
BLIND AL (CONT’D)
I wish I’d never heard of Craig’s List.
DEADPOOL :
And I quote:
Blind to life’s imperfections. Must be
good with hands.’ Or wouldya rather I
build IKEA and you pay rent?
(CONTINUED)
39 CONTINUED:
BLIND AL :
Why such a douche this morning?
DEADPOOL :
Let’s recap. That cock-thistle who
turned me into this freak... the one I’ve
been waiting five years for... slippedthrough my arms today. Arm.
Deadpool holds up his previously severed arm, which now hasa little
tweenage ARM emerging off it. Yes. Deadpool canGROW BACK LIMBS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Catching him was my only chance to be hotagain. Get my super-sexy ex back.
And
stop the same shit from happening toanyone else. So yeah, things are
prettyfucking scrumptious.
Deadpool stands. Walks behind the couch, and as he passesthe back of Blind
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Al’s head... FARTS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Hash-tag Drive-by.
BLIND AL:
(to herself)
I’m gonna find this ‘Craig.’ And I’m
gonna kill him.
DEADPOOL :
Once I’ve got the cure, I’m gonna do thesame to Francis...
RS40 INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER RS40
WADE, newly scarred, hidden in darkness, continues to GASP asthough being
held underwater. Then the lid on the punch-bowlSLIDES BACK, revealing AJAX.
Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL ofAIR. Ajax leans in for a closer look.
AJAX :
Bloody hell. Someone lost his shot at
homecoming king.
WADE :
(can barely speak)
What have you done to me?!
AJAX :
You give me too much credit. This...
this is the result of your genes.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
RS40 CONTINUED:
AJAX (CONT'D)
The punch bowl merely raised your stressto trigger the mutation.
WADE :
You... sadistic... fuck!
AJAX :
Where's the gratitude?! You’re cured!
Your mutated cells can heal anything.
They’re attacking the cancer as fast asit can form. Your insides are a war
zone. Not to mention your outsides!
Wade looks stunned as he struggles to process all thisinformation. Ajax
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smiles down.
AJAX (CONT’D)
I’ve seen similar side-effects before. I
could cure them for you. But really,
where’s the fun in that?
Wade says nothing, hating him but wanting to believe.
AJAX (CONT’D)
I’m going to close this lid again. Maybe
you no longer need it. But I do.
For a long moment, Wade stares intensely at Ajax and sees...
nothing, a black hole of empathy. And he knows this is a man
who will never stop hurting him.
***NOTE:
the exception of the final shot.****
So he turns his gaze to the ceiling and WITHDRAWS intohimself... the one
place the cruelty can no longer reach him.
Angel Dust enters, chewing on her usual matchstick.
AJAX :
He’s all yours.
Angel leans over the Punch-bowl, starts to undo Wade’srestraints.
ANGEL :
You smell like shit.
When Angel Dust leans close to Wade’s head he suddenly comesalive and uses
the strength he has left to HEAD-BUTT her inthe FOREHEAD.
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
AJAX :
(impressed)
Whoa.
Angel advances toward Wade. Ajax stops her.
AJAX (CONT’D)
Hey, hey, alright. It’s alright. I
think he earned that one, yeah? You take
off. Go on... off you go.
As Angel Dust EXITS the tent, she reaches to her mouth forher matchstick...
only it’s not there. She frowns, fishes
another match from her pocket, and tucks it between her lips.
Ajax finishes strapping Wade back down and goes to close thelid.
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AJAX (CONT’D)
One question. What’s my name?
Wade remains listless, mouth SHUT. BLINKS.
AJAX (CONT’D)
Didn’t think so.
Ajax CLOSES and LOCKS the lid. HISS. The oxygen DIALS FALL.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Sorry, Francis. But my lips are sealed.
And then we’re inside the punch bowl with Wade as the oxygenlevels drop and
the suffering rises. Through a fog of miseryWade sees Ajax staring down,
watching him, drinking in hispain.
Back in the Punch-Bowl, Wade OPENS his MOUTH... within which
he was HIDING a SINGLE MATCHSTICK, clenched carefully - dryly
-between his teeth.
He inhales... then SPITS OUT the match into his waiting PALM.
Finally, he STRIKES it against the side of the Punch Bowl.
Wade aims the now FLAMING match toward the tiny HOLE throughwhich OXYGEN
flows. The match is quickly burning down. Will
it reach the hole before it snuffs out?
At the last possible moment...
...the flame COMBUSTS the stream of oxygen, IGNITING it...
(CONTINUED)
41 CONTINUED:
...back through the TRANSPARENT PLASTIC TUBE that trails
outside the Punch-Bowl.
The flame SNAKES through the tube, this way and that, untilit reaches the
OXYGEN TANK standing next to the Punch-Bowl.
A beat. Then the TANK EXPLODES.
The BLOWS APART. The hospital bed SNAPS in TWO.
Out in the ward, the FIREBALL curls outward, spreading fromTENT to TENT.
BOOM! BOOM! Other flammable tanks DETONATE.
The tents GO UP like ROMAN CANDLES. It’s now MASS CHAOS.
ALARMS BLARE. Flames LEAP. Smoke BILLOWS. Patients FLEE.
A CURTAIN of FIRE suddenly DISPERSES, replaced by billowy
WHITE SMOKE from an OVER-SIZED CHROME FIRE EXTINGUISHER...
...held by AJAX, who STRIDES grimly toward Wade’s tent. He
throws back the burning fabric...
...and nearly EATS an OXYGEN TANK. He BLOCKS it at the last
moment with his FIRE EXTINGUISHER. CLANG.
On the other end of the oxygen tank, WIND-MILLING it withunbridled
FEROCITY, is WADE.
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WADE and AJAX SWING the oxygen tank and fire extinguisher
like modern day CLUBS, trying to take off each other’s heads.
CLANG! BANG! BAM! The tanks COLLIDE in mid-air.
Ajax’s fingers CRUNCH between metal. He doesn’t even feel
it.
Wade grabs the HOSE of Ajax’s fire extinguisher, angles itup, and gets his
finger on the TRIGGER.
The extinguisher BLASTS. Ajax is momentarily BLINDED.
Wade brings the oxygen tank down like a LUMBERJACK’S AXE.
Ajax BLOCKS it, but is driven to his KNEES.
Wade’s eyes are lit with fire. DOWN the tank COMES, again
and AGAIN. Ajax takes his own fire extinguisher to the CHIN.
Then catches a BLOW from the oxygen TANK to his TEMPLE.
The extinguisher goes FLYING. Wade swings the OXYGEN TANK
AGAIN, but against all odds, AJAX CATCHES it and SLAMS itback into Wade’s
NOSE. CRUNCH.
(CONTINUED)
41 CONTINUED:
Ajax rises to his feet, and the two grip OPPOSITE SIDES ofthe OXYGEN TANK,
GRAPPLING with every ounce of strength.
Wade sweeps Ajax’s feet and he topples over backwards, Wadeon top of him.
Wade lifts the heavy tank and slams it intohis face. Once. Twice. Three
times. CRACK.
As he’s about to finish the job Ajax smiles, blood bubblingfrom his smashed
lips.
AJAX :
You can’t kill me, Wade. I’m the onlyone who can fix that ugly mug.
Wade looks torn as his rage gives way to something like hope.
He tosses the tank away.
WADE :
Then time to make me me again.
A scream of terror behind Wade makes Wade turn.
CUNNINGHAM (O.S.)
Wade! Help! Wade!
Wade looks through the smoke and flame and spies a helplessCunningham lying
in the flaming wreckage.
WADE :
Fuck!
Wade drops Ajax and SPRINTS to Cunningham, starts dragging atthe WRECKAGE
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trapping him, when... SLICE! A long piece ofsheared REBAR THRUSTS CLEAN
THROUGH his CHEST from BEHIND.
The force sends the spear DEEP into the wooden floor beams,
pinning Wade like an insect in an entomologist’s display.
In a grand display of strength, AJAX BENDS the end of therebar to keep Wade
pinned... then walks around and squatsdown into Wade’s eye line, wearing a
triumphant sneer.
AJAX :
Say it. ‘Francis.’
Blood dribbles from Wade’s mouth as he tries in vain to pushhimself off the
bloody spike of metal. Ajax rises, scans theburning workshop with a scowl -
clearly a lost cause - andturns to leave.
Cunningham screams again as the flames near him. Gruntingwith the pain and
effort Wade tries to push himself off thespike.
(CONTINUED)
41 CONTINUED:
His hands slip on the blood-slick metal, and he cannot freehimself. His
VOLTRON RING lies on the floor next to him.
Wade and Cunningham share a last look. Cunningham clamps his
jaws shut, fighting the agony.
CREAK... CRACKLE... the ROOF COLLAPSES, BURYING BOTH OF THEM.
And we... CUT TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON:
42 INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 42
Morning’s first sunlight. WADE’s VOLTRON RING lies
COMPLETELY MELTED in the DEBRIS. The camera follows it to
Wade’s hand... then up his arm to his FACE.
WADE’s eyelids flutter, and he COMES TO. He is naked, his
hospital gown burned away. We see BLACKENED SLUDGE, SOOT,
charred remains. The melted and scorched metal rod next to
him.
Wade slowly realizes where he is and what happened. He
reaches down to his stomach wound... WHICH HAS MIRACULOUSLY
HEALED. Wade sits up, stunned.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I didn’t just get the cure to El Cáncer.
I got the cure to everything.
V43 EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING - PAST V43
VANESSA, tired, broken, mind seemingly elsewhere, walkstowards her
apartment. She passes a loving young COUPLE, arm-
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in-arm.
Vanessa clocks this sadly, continues on.
Behind her, PEOPLE walk to and fro. Among them, we REVEAL:
WADE, dressed in ill-fitting pants and a hoodie. He is a
TRAIN-WRECK, scarred face on display to the world for thefirst time.
He looks purposeful, but tentative, walking behind Vanessa,
GAINING on her.
ANGLE ON:
A BOY goes by on his bike, trying hard not to gape. A
TODDLER in a STROLLER looks up and BURSTS INTO TEARS. The
toddler’s MOTHER hustles past.
(CONTINUED)
V43 CONTINUED:
MOTHER :
Alex, don’t stare.
VANESSA stops and rifles through her purse for keys.
STILL on Wade’s P.O.V. Wade stops, too, suddenly paralyzed,
as the moment to face Vanessa arrives.
As he hesitates, torn with anguish, the WHISPERS seem togrow, rising in
volume until they become deafening:
WHISPER 2 (O.S.)
Oh, my, god, that is so fucking gnarly.
WHISPER 3 (O.S.)
I just lost my appetite.
Wade spins, trying to see where the voices are coming from.
Nowhere... everywhere. The WHISPERS crescendo, now more in
Wade’s mind than in reality.
He turns back to Vanessa, his face a mask of fear and pain...
just as she disappears into her apartment building. The
closing glass door reveals his own HIDEOUS REFLECTION STARINGBACK AT HIM.
DEADPOOL:
In the whole wide world, there’s nothing
as ugly...
(beat)
...as fear.
He gives up on his mission, backing away from his reflection,
Vanessa, his old life. He stumbles off the curb and into the
street, when... BAM!
He is CRUSHED OUT OF FRAME by a SPEEDING BUS.
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SMASH CUT TO :
BLACK.
FADE UP ON:
A43 INT. MORGUE - NIGHT A43
THREE BODY BAGS lie on SLABS in a MORGUE.
Without warning, the MIDDLE bag SITS UP STRAIGHT at theWAIST...
...then tries to CATERPILLAR its way to the edge of itsslab...
(CONTINUED)
A43 CONTINUED:
...but instead pitches off the slab - CRUNCH - FACE-FIRSTonto the floor.
WADE (O.S.)
Ow.
B44 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - NIGHT B44
An FBI-STYLE ‘ORGANIZATIONAL CHART’ has been pinned on Wade’sCORKBOARD in
the lair. A ‘pyramid’ of baddies are linked bystrings. Each baddie is
depicted not by a photograph, but a
child-like CRAYON DRAWING.
Second from the top is the RECRUITER.
At the APEX of the pyramid is AJAX HIMSELF.
DEADPOOL, in his LAIR, sews together an early ‘proto-
costume.’
We see quick cuts of pieces of it going on:
White Adidas track suit. White gloves. White boots. And
some sort of white mask...
A single gun, underarm holster, boot knife but no swords.
VC44 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT VC44
DEADPOOL :
Don’t make me ask twice. Where’s
Francis?!
DEADPOOL questions a bleeding thug, more bodies scatteredacross a floor
littered with broken furniture behind him.
Another thug rushes in and smashes a pool cue over Deadpool’s
skull. Deadpool snatches the broken shaft of wood and PUNCHES
it into the thugs belly.
A third thug staggers to his feet, pulls a pistol, firesmultiple shots
point blank. Deadpool staggers back, bloodblossoming across his white suit.
“CLICK”
The thug stares in disbelief that Deadpool’s still standing.
Deadpool looks down at the shaft of wood in his hand.
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Thinks.
(CONTINUED)
VC44 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I said, where’s... fucking... FR(
realizes)
You made me ask twice.
Deadpool spins the bloody cue with inhuman dexterity andstarts towards the
terrified thug, accidentally knocking overa PITCHER of BLOODY MARY onto his
already bloody stainedsuit.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Fuck. Me.
D44 INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY D44
DEADPOOL, TIDE STAIN-STICK in hand, tries unsuccessfully toget the blood
out of his white suit.
We get our first glimpse of BLIND AL, who’s sitting next toDeadpool at the
laundromat, completely unfazed by the
bloodbath:
BLIND AL :
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
(off Deadpool’s impressedlook, shrugs)
Or wear red.
Deadpool’s eyes light up. He crumples this suit into a balland tosses it
into a trash bin.
E44/H44INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - NIGHT E44/H44
Deadpool stabs a KNIFE into the picture of the GOON he justkilled (at the
bottom of the pyramid)... right in the
FOREHEAD.
F44 INT. LAIR - NIGHT F44
DEADPOOL’s at the sewing machine again.
Quick cuts of a RED ‘proto’ outfit going on: Cheap red
sweats. Red gloves. Red converse. As yet unseen RED MASK,
which turns out to be...
VG44 INT. UNDERGROUND FIGHT - NIGHT VG44
...a RED ‘LUCHA LIBRE’ PRO WRESTLING MASK.
Deadpool stands in the shadows of a dingy basement, lowceilings, walls
stacked high with cases of liquor.
(CONTINUED)
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VG44 CONTINUED:
In a BOXING RING at the center of the room two WOMEN poundeach other
surrounded by a scrum of a CROWD. Deadpool spieshis mark in a dirty white
suit pressed in tight ringside.
Deadpool pulls his mask down, wades into the crowd, throwingmen aside,
PLOWING toward his target.
The mark sees Deadpool at the last second, turns as a KATANAflashes out and
skewers his hand, pinning it to the wall.
Deadpool fires a couple shots into the ceiling, sending therest of the
crowd rushing for the exit.
DEADPOOL :
Don’t make me ask twice. Where’s-
SMASH CUT TO:

J44 INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - INTERROGATIONS/KILLS J44
Deadpool has a goon at sword-point.
DEADPOOL :
Donde esta Francisco?
THUG :
I don’t speak Spanish.
DEADPOOL :
(sighs)
And I don’t have time for you to learn.
Deadpool kills the thug.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Take me to your leader.
(turns)
I’ve always wanted to say that.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Squeal. Like a pig. Where’s Francis?
DEADPOOL :
In no particular order. Where’s yourboss? And where can I find good
Indianfood?
HENCHMAN :
Why the red suit?
(CONTINUED)
Page 76/119
J44 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
That’s so bad guys can’t- never mind,
they’ve already heard that.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You’re about to tell me everything youknow about Francis Freeman. Known
aliases. Current whereabouts. Boxers or
briefs. Go.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(forces guy’s mouth open,
goes in with knife)
Open your mouth. Here comes the
airplane!
GOON :
(gun pointed at forehead, a
la Joseph Takagi)
I don’t know, I’m telling you. You’re
just going to have to kill me.
DEADPOOL :
OK.
(shoots goon in head, a laHans Gruber, then, to
audience:
Right?!
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(goon at knifepoint)
Don’t make me break out the Collective
Soul CDs.
DEADPOOL :
You give me your boss. I give you therest of your life.
(CONTINUED)
J44 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL:
(throws woman onto table)
I don’t feel good about myself. But
where is he? I’m so sorry.
L44 EXT./INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS L44
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New COSTUME. BOOM. A MAN dies.
STAB. His picture is knifed.
BOOM. STAB.
QUESTIONS.
BOOM! STAB!
INTERROGATION.
BOOM! STAB!
DEADPOOL questions more and more thugs, each bit of
information bringing him closer....
Soon there is a FOREST of knives sticking from the board.
...and only the RECRUITER and AJAX are left.
K44/VK44 INT. RICE WORLD - NIGHT K44/VK44
A wretched room, dirty mattresses covering the floor. Dim
light scatters through a tangle of IV bags hastily strung up
over MEN too poor to have anywhere else to go and die.
The RECRUITER kneels, speaking quietly to a particularly
hardened patient. He places a card in the man’s emaciated
hand, then stands and walks toward a low doorway.
The recruiter enters a brightly lit room stacked high withbags of rice. Two
heavily armed THUGS fall in beside him.
The men scan the aisles as they move toward a door leadingout into an
alley.
DEADPOOL :
Agent Smith!
They turn to see DEADPOOL, high atop a stack of rice bags.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I know, right?! I look like a million
bucks.
(turns to camera)
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
K44/VK44CONTINUED:K44/VK44
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Literally - this suit cost Fox a million
dollars.
Without a word, the Recruiter flees, running through the bigroll-up door.
Deadpool leaps to land between the two bodyguards as theydraw their weapons
and spray the room with gunfire.
One goes down in a bloody heap. Deadpool leaps toward theother, skewers him
with both swords. The thug fallsbackward, dead before he hits the ground.
L44/VL44 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT L44/VL44
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DEADPOOL :
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
(darkens)
Don’t make me ask tw-
(pleasantly surprised)
Good for you!
The Recruiter has stepped timidly from between overflowing
garbage bins, hands raised, eager to talk his way out of this
mess:
RECRUITER:
To whom should I address my... desperate
bargaining?
DEADPOOL:
Don’t recognize the voice? Maybe the
resumé:
that Eighty-nine. Seven the past week
alone. Same rate most folks...
(pulls out SWORD)
...get a shave.
RECRUITER :
(realizes who it is, fightsto stay composed)
Mr... Wilson?
DEADPOOL:
Ding-ding-ding! Now... you’re about to
tell me where I can find your boss. Or
I’m gonna make you feel worse. Wait...
Deadpool brings the sword closer to the recruiter’s face.
Turns to CAMERA:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
...worse than worse.
(CONTINUED)
L44/VL44CONTINUED:L44/VL44
RECRUITER :
And I pride myself on being persuasive.
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SMASH CUT TO:
RS44 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - DAY - PAST RS44
WADE stands in the shadows. WEASEL sits at a table.
WADE :
No... no way! I’m not making her life asugly as mine!
WEASEL :
C’mon, you can’t look that bad! It’s
like that blemish no one notices but you.
WADE :
Wrong. I’m a monster, inside and out. I
belong in a circus, the kind that rollsaround Eastern Europe in covered
wagons.
WEASEL :
I can’t envision a scenario where Vanessa
won’t take you ba-
(Wade steps into light,
takes off his hoodie)
-aaaaaccckkk!! Holy shit. You... are...
terrifying. You look like an avocado had
sex with an older avocado.
Wade grabs the bottle of JACK DANIELS from the table,
GUZZLES.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
We might have to move our relationship totext and phone only.
Wade ignores Weas, slams down the bottle:
WADE :
And the only guy who can fix this fuglymug, the asshole who ran that
mutantfactory, escaped to who knows where.
WEASEL :
I take back the Vanessa thing. You have
only one option.
WADE :
Find Francis-Go-Fuck-Himself.
(CONTINUED)
RS44 CONTINUED:
Page 80/119
WEASEL:
(not listening)
Star in low budget horror movies.
Seriously, you look like Freddy Kruegerface-fucked a topographical map of
Utah.
WADE:
(equally not listening)
I’m gonna work my way through his crew...
crushing bad guys’ skulls, ‘til one of
‘em leads me to Francis. Then I’ll force
him to cure this face. Stomp his bloodyguts into a fine vintage. And win
Vanessa back.
WEASEL :
OK. Not exactly the plot of Beauty andthe Beast, but cool. Good news, that
douche thinks you’re dead. Advantage
you. He won’t think you’re coming. Bad
news, with a puss like that, you’ll bespotted fast.
WADE :
(derisive)
So what do you suggest? A mask?
WEASEL :
Not a bad idea! You... are... haunting.
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
WADE :
(nods)
Like a testicle with teeth.
WEASEL :
How ‘bout a super-suit? And a nickname!
Bitter-Boy. Super-Fist. Captain Never-
Die.
(deflates at a thought)
WADE :
What?
WEASEL :
Nothing. It’s just... you know, I justrealized, I’m never winning the-
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Weasel looks over to Wade, sees him staring. He follows
Wade’s gaze up to the board on the wall.
WADE :
Deadpool.
(CONTINUED)
RS44 CONTINUED:
As Wade says the word, he and Weasel share a look. EUREKA.
Wade holds up the BOTTLE.
WEASEL :
Deadpool. To you, Mr. Pool.
The two CLINK GLASSES.
44A INT./EXT. MONTAGE - DAY/NIGHT - PAST 44A
A highly pleased DEADPOOL holds up the-soon-to-become-famousMASK for the
first time, ushering in... a MONTAGE:
WADE, at SISTER MARGARET’s, receives a YELLOW CARD with a
Cypress Tree from WEASEL.
He turns a LUCHA LIBRE mask INSIDE OUT to reveal the classic
DEADPOOL MASK we all know and love. Puts it on. Then
dresses - piece-by-piece - in the RED UNIFORM we’ve come toknow and love.
And at last, UNSHEATHES A KATANA. The sword
TWIRLS, SLASHES, LUNGES into shadow. A HANDKERCHIEF WIPES
BLOOD from the BLADE. The katana gets SHEATHED again.
The same yellow card is now RECEIVED and PUNCHED by Weasel.
Wade is paid in TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS. WHIP CREAM froths onto
a shot glass. A BLOW-JOB is TOSSED BACK.
Meanwhile, VANESSA plays SKEE-BALL wistfully by herself atthe ARCADE:
SKEE-BALLS roll into HOLES. LIGHTS FLASH. TICKETS CHURN
OUT. VANESSA catches a reflection of someone STARING at her
from across the lobby. When she spins around, the culprit isGONE. Vanessa
SHIVERS... but it’s a warm shiver, somehow.
A HEAP of TICKETS slides across the prize counter. A bigSTUFFED ANIMAL
slides into Vanessa’s arms. Vanessa tosses it
into an empty CLOSET inside her and Wade’s former APARTMENT.
Then stares out the SPIDER-WEB CRACK in the window.
Back at DEADPOOL’s LAIR, Deadpool places various suspiciousaccoutrements on
the NORNAS COFFEE TABLE: an 8x11 framed
photo of VANESSA. A BOTTLE of JERGENS. A BOX of KLEENEX.
His BELT. His powder-blue CROCS. Deadpool kicks back on theFUTON. Smiles
under his mask.
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CUT TO:
looking up with a grossed-out frown: ‘Am I hearing what Ithink I’m
hearing?’
Next, DEADPOOL finishes plastering hundreds of ADVENTCALENDARS he’s
purchased onto one WALL of his LAIR.
(CONTINUED)
44A CONTINUED:
When the wall is covered, he carefully pins the FIRSTornament onto the
FIRST tree on the FIRST calendar.
And at last, his MASK comes OFF and his HEAD hits the PILLOW.
Instantly, the montage CRANKS UP its SPEED, with quicker andquicker EDITS.
The visual totems that have just been introduced begin to FLYby...
shorthand for the passage of time:
Yellow cards are given, received, punched.
Blades are unsheathed, sheathed, cleaned.
Whip cream sprayed. Drinks consumed.
Skee-balls rolled into holes. Tickets won. Prizes earned.
Tossed onto a EVER-GROWING PILE in the closet. VANESSA
staring out her window.
Jergens pumped. Kleenexes pulled. Crocs discarded. BLIND
AL’s ears plugged.
Ornaments are pinned to calendars. Lords a-leap. Swans a-
swim. Maids a-milk.
Mask comes off. Head hits pillow. Mask pulls on.
The images fly by FASTER... FASTER... FASTER.
Whip cream. Skee-balls. Crocs. Ornaments. Weasel.
Deadpool. Vanessa. Al.
‘I NEED A HERO’ plays faster and faster, too - higher andhigher, like a
record on too many RPMs.
The effect is rhythmic... hypnotic...
...until finally, the montage REACHES a CRESCENDO.
And then BOOM! Ratchets back to REGULAR SPEED:
‘CHRISTMAS MORNING’ has arrived. All the calendars but one
are now fully studded with decorations. DEADPOOL plucks out
one last STAR to pin atop the final TREE.
Only it’s not a star at all, it’s AJAX’s MUG SHOT clipped outfrom the old
NEWSPAPER.
With great satisfaction, Deadpool pins the faded photo to thelast treetop.
The music dies, and Deadpool turns to camera.
(CONTINUED)
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44A CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
Santa Claus is coming...
SMASH CUT TO:

45 OMITTED 45
46 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PAST 46
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
...to town!
DEADPOOL has ONE LEG in his COSTUME and the other LEG still
stabbing for the other pants-hole.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Late-late-late-late-late!
He HOPS ACROSS the hall past BLIND AL, not really payingattention to her.
We’re revisiting the moment from earlierJUST AFTER she TRIPS on Deadpool’s
DUFFEL of AMMUNITION,
PICKS it up, and DRAGS it OFF.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry!
BLIND AL:
I hope you’re doing us the courtesy of
pants.
47 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - PAST 47
DEADPOOL runs out to the street corner and WAVES.
DEADPOOL :
Taxi!
A TAXI - if you’ve been paying attention, you will recognizeit - pulls up
to the curb. Deadpool opens the rear door. A
WOMAN steps out, pausing to pay Dopinder.
WOMAN :
Keep the change.
Deadpool frowns. The woman is pulling her money from aBERNADETTE PETERS
CHANGE PURSE. Deadpool’s eyes raise fromthe purse to the woman holding it:
BERNADETTE PETERS
HERSELF! Deadpool doubletakes, then shakes his head (‘Nah,
couldn’t be...’) and climbs into the cab. Who is behind the
wheel but...
DOPINDER :
Where do you want to be going!
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(CONTINUED)
47 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL:
(looks to camera)
And we all know how this turned out.
Cue Benny Hill speed...
The action goes into Benny-Hill-like HYPER-SPEED as we relivethe opening
scenes of the movie: DEADPOOL’s CAB RIDE. AJAX
crumpling up his orange jumpsuit and switching places with amotorcycle
RIDER at the RAFT. The FREEWAY FIGHT with AJAX’s
GOONS. The CONFRONTATION with COLOSSUS. Until at last...
VRS48 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY VRS48
Transport TRUCKS idle in the loading dock.
A docile SUPER-SLAVE, fitted with a control collar and cuffs,
steps into a CRATE IDENTICAL to the ONES AJAX DELIVERED TOTHE WARLORD in
ACT ONE. He lies down.
ANGEL DUST is overseeing. She plunges a pistol-grip syringeinto his neck
and fires:
ANGEL DUST :
For your flight.
The man’s eyelids flutter shut. Next to him, four identical
crates hold four unconscious men and women. The workshophenchmen hammer on
the tops and laboriously load them up intothe truck.
ANGEL picks up one over her shoulder with ease. She turns atthe sound of a
sputtering motorcycle getting closer.
Ajax rolls in on one of the battered black bikes from thefreeway. Smoke
curls from its broken tailpipe.
He steps off the bike while it’s still moving, just lettingit roll forward
and tip to the ground with a clank.
AJAX (O.S.)
Quit showing off, Angel.
Angel doesn’t seem surprised by his dirty and bloodied
appearance. A raised eyebrow and a disapproving look is allshe has for her
boss.
RSA48 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY RSA48
A WAREHOUSE full of SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. OVERHEAD LAMPS.
FABRIC TENTS. CHROME TABLES, one of which Ajax sits on.
AJAX :
Wade Fucking Wilson.
Page 85/119
(CONTINUED)
RSA48 CONTINUED:
ANGEL DUST stands in front of him, putting stitches into hisGORY MESS of a
SHOULDER WOUND.
He doesn’t so much as FLINCH.
ANGEL DUST :
Makes perfect sense.
AJAX:
I suppose if I looked like him, I’d wear
a mask too.
(Angel finishes finalstitch)
Only wish I mended the same.
Ajax pops off the table. Swings his arm around, testing hisshoulder.
AJAX (CONT’D)
Not to worry. We’ll put him out of our
misery. On our terms.
ANGEL DUST :
And if he heals?
AJAX:
He can’t - if there’s nothing left of him
to heal. And then we go back to business
as usual.
Ajax’s hand is a blur as he plucks the MATCHSTICK fromAngel’s mouth.
AJAX (CONT’D)
What say we leave the matches at home?
49 INT. DEADPOOL’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT 49
...the PAST reaches the PRESENT. REGULAR SPEED AGAIN.
DEADPOOL is sitting on his futon, Crocs on, staring at
camera.
DEADPOOL :
There. All caught up.
(shifts weight, moans, liesback on futon)
BLIND AL (O.S.)
Tylenol P.M.?
BLIND AL shuffles over from the kitchen with a cup of tea anda bottle of
Tylenol. She eases down onto the futon next to
Deadpool.
Page 86/119
(CONTINUED)
49 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
You can stick that where you stuck theBactine! I found my stash of wisdom-
tooth Percocet in the Storjorm, and I’morbiting Saturn. But I appreciate
the
gesture.
Deadpool lays his head on Blind Al’s shoulder and gently rubsher face with
his KID HAND.
BLIND AL :
Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
DEADPOOL :
The size of a KFC spork.
BLIND AL :
Eesh. I get why you’re so pissy. But
your mood’s never gonna brighten ‘til youfind this woman you love and tell
her howyou feel!
DEADPOOL :
What do I keep saying, Mrs. Magoo? She
wouldn’t have me! If you could see me,
you’d understand.
BLIND AL :
Love is blind, Wade.
DEADPOOL :
No, you’re blind.
The ROOMBA sucks up THREE SCREWS next to an IVAR shelvingunit.
BLIND AL :
What was that?
DEADPOOL :
A clue why our Ivar shelving unit’s about
to fall the fuck apart.
BLIND AL :
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So you’re just gonna lie there andwhimper?
DEADPOOL :
Just clocking time ‘til this arm plowsthrough puberty. I’ve got a
newChristmas Day.
(CONTINUED)
49 CONTINUED:
Deadpool throws his feet, CROCS and all, up on the coffeetable.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Now, ya may want to leave the room.
(beat)
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
RS50 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT RS50
WEASEL is on the house phone. The bar is BUSTLING.
WEASEL:
Wade, we got a problem. And by we I mean
you.
VB51 EXT. NO. 5 ORANGE - NIGHT VB51
DEADPOOL and WEASEL walk hastily, purposefully into the eyeof the storm.
Deadpool is a HOT MESS.
DEADPOOL:
I’m about to lose what’s left of my shit.
Is there a word for half-afraid, half-
furious?
WEASEL:
Afurious? Wait, is it Monday?! They
have an amazing Matzah Ball Soup Monday.
(beat)
Never mind. Have you figured what you’re
gonna tell her?
DEADPOOL :
(thinks)
Fuck.
WEASEL :
It’s a start.
51A INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 51A
Lights flash. Music pumps. From across the room we see WADE
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and WEASEL enter. Weasel jokes with the DOORMAN while Wadescans the crowd,
searching for Vanessa.
EMCEE STAN LEE, sweatsuit, gold chains, Beats headphones,
lords from a glass cubicle:
STAN LEE:
Coming onto the stage, give it up for...
Chastity!
52 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 52
WEASEL :
Or as I like to call her, Irony!
DEADPOOL navigates through a TIGHTLY-PACKED CROWD toward theMAIN STAGE,
accompanied by WEASEL.
DEADPOOL :
We gotta find her fast. Before fuck-ass.
WEASEL :
How do you even know she’s here?
DEADPOOL :
I come for the French Onion Soup. How doyou think? I’m constantly stalking
thatfox.
Deadpool STOPS in his tracks, STARING.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Every time I see her is like the firsttime.
REVERSE ANGLE to reveal what Deadpool is looking at: the
gorgeous backside of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS in a skimpy dress.
Back to Deadpool:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Even from this angle. Especially from
this angle.
Hypnotized, Deadpool puts one foot in front of the other,
approaching the waitress.
Suddenly, the WAITRESS TURNS to reveal her face: VANESSA.
Deadpool immediately CHICKENS OUT, puts his head down, turnsaway from her
into the press of MEN around one of the stages.
Vanessa catches the vaguest glimpse, but before she can get abetter look,
Deadpool is swallowed up by the crowd.
She gets that warm shiver again... the one that says she’sfeeling an old
presence.
She stares after Deadpool. It couldn’t possibly be.
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Deadpool pushes past the men, almost in a panic, beating aHASTY RETREAT
toward WEASEL at the back of the room.
(CONTINUED)
52 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Shittiest moment numero tres.
Deadpool walks past Weasel, fleeing into the men’s room...
53 INT. MEN’S REST ROOM - CONTINUOUS 53
...and SPLASH! Washes his face at the SINK.
DEADPOOL:
Lezzdothis. Before I re-reconsider.
Maximum effort.
A hand comes into frame offering a paper towel. It belongsto a WASHROOM
ATTENDANT in a tuxedo vest. Deadpool uses thetowel to wipe his face and
finishes with the attendant’ssleeve.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Sorry.
(tries to dry attendant’ssleeve with paper towel)
I get very uncomfortable around you guys.
(takes mint off counter,
then condom off counter,
then sees tip jar)
Crisp high five?
54 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 54
VANESSA sets down a tray of empty glasses. Her scum-bag of a
MANAGER gives her a heads-up:
MANAGER:
Someone out back asking for you. Said
somethin’ about an old boyfriend?
55 EXT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 55
VANESSA exits the club into an ALLEY, one of Wade’s old
jackets thrown over her shoulders. One sickly street lampcasts some light.
The rest is obscured in SHADOW. Vanessa
spies the shape of a MAN hiding in the shadows.
VANESSA :
I knew it was you.
Vanessa is seized by memories. She peers into the dark,
heart pounding.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
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With the weird, curvy edges.
(CONTINUED)
55 CONTINUED:
Then steps forward slowly, nervously. Overcome with emotion.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
(barely audible)
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
No one answers. Vanessa gets a bad feeling and starts toback up.
The man steps confidently into the light. Not WADE...
...but AJAX. Vanessa spins around and runs straight intoAngel Dust, who
step out of the shadows.
Vanessa make a grab for her purse, contents spilling out ontothe grimy
street, but her hand comes up with a TASER. She
jams it into the flesh of Angel Dusts shoulder.
Angel Dust just smiles as electricity arcs and sizzles. Then
she grabs Vanessa’s hand and twists it away.
Vanessa THRASHES like a polecat. But Angel Dust is brutally
strong. She clamps her hand around Vanessa’s jaw andSQUEEZES, dangling her
in the air by her FACE.
AJAX :
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
Vanessa’s eyes widen in shock and surprise.
AJAX (CONT’D)
‘The good Lord sends the fishing...
Vanessa screams mutely into Angel Dust’s palm.
AJAX (CONT’D)
...but you must dig the bait.’
56 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - HALLWAY - NIGHT 56
WADE pushes through the crowd to find WEASEL sitting in GYNOROW at the edge
of the stage. He’s in the middle of slippinga bill into a dancer’s garter.
WEASEL :
Manager said she went that way.
(thumbs towards the back)
Good luck, Tiger!
DEADPOOL moves quickly down a HALL, turns a corner, andREACHES for the knob
of the door to the alley. His eyesWIDEN as he remembers something
IMPORTANT.
(CONTINUED)
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56 CONTINUED:
Deadpool reaches back and pulls up his hood to hide hisscarred FACE.
Deadpool girds himself, then OPENS the door to spy...
57 EXT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 57
...the empty alley. Deadpool spies a woman’s CLUTCH lyingalone in a pool of
light, contents strewn about. He reaches
down and picks up...
...his old BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE.
DEADPOOL:
Mother-fucker best be wearing his brown
pants.
58 INT. SCRAPYARD / ELEVATOR - PRE-DAWN 58
AJAX and Angel Dust stand at either side of a bound andgagged VANESSA. They
are inside the metal cage of anINDUSTRIAL ELEVATOR, going UP.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
And... numero dos.
A bare bulb casts harsh light as they rise past a dark massof twisted
metal. Ajax looks almost bored, hums to himselftunelessly.
V59 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY V59
AJAX explains his plan to VANESSA:
AJAX:
That’s what I thought, but he keeps on
coming back. Like a Bad Jesus. But
despite all Wade’s powers, I still hold
the advantage:
for his own good. Let’s see how he
fights with your head on the block.
VA60 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY VA60
A sign reads ‘PROFESSOR XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED
YOUNGSTERS.’
The sign is on the perfectly manicured front lawn of thegorgeous Gothic
X-MANSION.
Who is standing outside the front door of the mansion butDEADPOOL, in full
regalia. Deadpool raises his knuckles toKNOCK, but is suddenly STARTLED...
(CONTINUED)
VA60 CONTINUED:
...by the door SWINGING OPEN to reveal an annoyed NEGASONICTEENAGE WARHEAD.
She’s wearing BEATS HEADPHONES.
Page 92/119
DEADPOOL :
Ripley from ‘Alien 3’!
NTW :
Deadfool.
DEADPOOL :
It’s like you knew I was about to knock!
(shivers, ‘creepy’)
Is that big steel dildo home?
NTW :
You guys going for a bite? Early birdspecial?
DEADPOOL :
Like there’s something wrong with eatingbefore sundown. Or saving money.
But
no. It’s about me saving my girl from abad guy, the one you two helped me
lose.
You do fight bad guys?
(off NTW’s stare)
No time for hard stares, are you gonnafetch big-shiny-balls or not? Tell
him I
have an offer he can’t refuse!
NTW turns, disappears into the house.
NTW :
Colossus!
From off camera, we hear loudly, excitedly, from the secondfloor:
COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Is that you, Wade?! I knew you’d seeerror of ways!
DEADPOOL :
Yep, that’s me, seeing the error of myways! I just need an itty bitty favor
in
return!
(turns to camera, whispers)
Fool him five times? Shame on him.
60 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAWN 60
WEASEL and DEADPOOL are going through IKEA drawers, pullingout every GUN
and GRENADE on God’s green earth and stuffingthem into a couple of
Deadpool’s ‘I *HEART* HELLO KITTY’DUFFEL BAGS.
This is Deadpool’s ARSENAL, big enough for a small army. In
Page 93/119
go the twin DESERT EAGLES. Then Weasel dumps an entireARMFUL of AMMO BOXES
into the duffel.
WEASEL :
That’s about... three thousand shells.
A BEAT. Deadpool LOOKS AT CAMERA menacingly:
DEADPOOL :
And we’ve all seen what I can do with
twelve.
BLIND AL enters, holding a STEYR AUG RIFLE.
BLIND AL :
I was gonna spend tonight assembling theBorgsjo, but this is holding my
interest.
Both Deadpool and Weasel duck, afraid she might shoot them.
DEADPOOL :
Careful, Ronnie Milsap, we’re down-range!
And we decided on the Orrberg, not theBorgsjo.
BLIND AL :
Shit.
WEASEL :
She cool?
DEADPOOL :
The coolest. Plus, she could never pickyou out of a line-up.
BEEP-BEEP. DEADPOOL looks at his phone. The screen says,
“Vanessa’s Phone”
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
It’s Francis. He wants me to come to
him. And he calls me a piece of
(squints, can’t read)
(CONTINUED)
60 CONTINUED:
WEASEL:
(points)
That’s the shit emoji. A turd with a
smile, see? How did Google ever approvethat?
Page 94/119
Blind Al grabs a Nerf N-Strike Elite Strong-arm Blaster froma drawer (it
feels like a gun!) and goes to put it in the
duffel. Deadpool almost stops her, then shrugs - maybe itwill come in
useful...
BLIND AL :
That’s every piece in the house.
DEADPOOL :
Uh-uh-uh.
Blind Al sighs - busted - she puts her leg up on a chair andpulls a tiny
Saturday Night Special from an ankle holster...
and is about to hand it over when instead, she turns, and...
...BOOM... shoots the ROOMBA, laying waste to it.
BLIND AL :
It was him or me.
(beat)
I did hit it, right?
DEADPOOL :
Please. It’s been years since you’ve hitanything. See what I did there?
BLIND AL :
Fuck you.
Deadpool takes the tiny gun and shoves it in the small of hisback. Then
follows Weasel out the door. Then quickly turnsback.
DEADPOOL:
(to Al)
In case I never see you again, I love youvery much... and there’s a
hundred-tenmillion dollars buried somewhere in the
apartment. Good luck. Watch your face.
Deadpool slams the door behind him.
61 INT./EXT. TAXI - MORNING 61
A TAXI drives across the city, its BACK BUMPER scraping theground, throwing
off SPARKS.
(CONTINUED)
61 CONTINUED:
In the PASSENGER seat: DEADPOOL, his DUFFEL at his feet.
Behind the wheel: DOPINDER.
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DEADPOOL :
Any luck winning Gita back?
DOPINDER :
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool. But
Bandhu is more craftier - and handsomer -
than me.
DEADPOOL :
(shrugs)
It’s all relative.
Deadpool quickly LIFTS his MASK, revealing his SCARS toDopinder.
STARTLED, Dopinder FLINCHES and SIDESWIPES a PARKED CAR.
COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Stop the car. I must leave a note.
Cut to the BACK SEAT to find COLOSSUS CRAMMED in, KNEES to
CHEST. He’s drinking a CAPPUCCINO in a Dunkin’ Donuts cup.
DEADPOOL :
Oh, please. I’ll bet the halls of yourhigh school were very well monitored.
DOPINDER :
I cannot be stopping.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.)
Wait, I’m getting a premonition.
To Colossus’s left is NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She’s
holding two fingers to her temple again, a la Professor X.
Then nods toward Dopinder.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT’D)
He’s uninsured.
DOPINDER :
She indeed has ESPN! I am quiteuninsuranced.
DEADPOOL :
You mean ESP. But come on! I coulda-
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD
-called that yourself?
(CONTINUED)
61 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
Page 96/119
Gaaaahhhh!
Deadpool literally BOUNCES in frustration.
DOPINDER :
Who brought this twinkly man?
DEADPOOL :
Twinkly, but deadly. My big Russkifriend doesn’t like the idea of a whole
new army of mutant mutton-heads. And I
told him if he did me this solid, I’d
consider joining his boy band.
COLOSSUS :
It’s not a boy band.
DEADPOOL :
Sure it’s not.
The cab drives over a SMALL DIP and BOTTOMS OUT. CLANG.
BANG. A muffled yelp comes from the TRUNK:
VOICE (O.S.)
Ow! Help. Me.
BEAT. Dopinder reaches to turn up the RADIO.
DEADPOOL :
Uh. Dopinder. What was that?
DOPINDER :
Oh, that? That was Bandhu.
COLOSSUS :
Bandwho?
DOPINDER :
My romantic rival, Bandhu. He’s tied upin the trunk. I’m doing as you said,
D.P. I plan to gut him like a tandoorifish. Then dump his lifeless corpse
on
Gita’s doorstep like a cat with a deadbird. Mom and Dad will be over the
moon.
Deadpool looks back at Colossus and shrugs.
DEADPOOL :
Something must’ve gotten lost in thetranslation.
(gives surreptitious thumbsup to Dopinder)
(MORE)
Page 97/119
(CONTINUED)
61 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
Seriously. This is no way to win Gita’sheart. Return Bandhu home safe and
gentle-like. And then woo Gita with yourboyish charm...
DOPINDER :
Fine, fine. Safe and gentle-like. Here
we are...
Dopinder pulls over and hits the meter. Then sighs.
DOPINDER (CONT’D)
I too am clairvoyance. I presume a crisphigh five?
DEADPOOL :
For you? Ten.
DOPINDER :
Knock em dead, Pool Boy.
Deadpool and Dopinder SLAP BOTH HANDS.
DEADPOOL :
Time to make the chimichangas.
62 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 62
We hear the first bold notes of DMX’s ‘X GON GIVE IT TO YA.’
DEADPOOL, COLOSSUS, and NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD walk in SLOMO
across the scrapyard toward the COMBAT CARRIER.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Not often a dude ruins your face.
Destroys your living. Grabs your futurebaby mama. Personally sees to 8 of
your10 shittiest life moments. And plans tolather-rinse-repeat on a buncha
newchumps. Let’s just say, it’s beginningto look a lot like Christmas...
This is as cool as Deadpool has ever looked. Muscles
sprouting muscles. Katanas gleaming. Then, at the height ofhis coolness,
Deadpool STOPS, sensing something amiss.
DMX cuts out. REGULAR SPEED RESUMES as Deadpool looks downto spy his FLY
DOWN. He ZIPS it UP, embarrassed.
DEADPOOL :
(to camera)
It happens. A’ight, cue up DMX again.
(CONTINUED)
Page 98/119
62 CONTINUED:
Wait! Where’s your duffel bag?
DEADPOOL :
(freezes, it’s missing)
Gahhhhhhh!
(pulls out a phone, dials)
63 INT. TAXI CAB - DAY 63
DOPINDER drives, head bobbing to a Bhangra Beat, HELLO KITTYDUFFEL still
sitting in the passenger WHEEL WELL.
On cue, Dopinder’s CELL PHONE RINGS. Dopinder reaches forit, then fumbles
it away. The phone falls to the floorboard.
Dopinder looks ahead, sees the approaching traffic light isgreen, ducks
down to make a grab, but when he returns hiseyes to the road, the light is
now red.
Dopinder slams on his brakes. SCREECH! He manages to avoidthe car in front.
BAM! The taxi is REAR-ENDED, its TRUNK
SMASHED like an accordion. We hear a HOLLER from inside.
DOPINDER :
Bandhu?
DEADPOOL:
(hears crash)
Goddamnit! Never mind. Nothing thatcan’t be fixed by two swords and...
(cracks neck)
...maximum effort.
(points to imaginary D.J.)
Gimme a beat!
DMX KICKS IN AGAIN. Deadpool strides forward in SLO-MO.
As they near the carrier a dozen armed and armored MERCSsuddenly rise from
behind the piles of scrap metal beforethem. Assault weapons raised, ready
to fire.
The trio stops, Colossus stepping in front of NTW, shelteringher behind his
armored body.
ANGEL DUST (O.S.)
No one fires!
Our heroes crane their necks to spy ANGEL DUST standing onthe edge of the
deck above.
(CONTINUED)
Page 99/119
64 CONTINUED:
ANGEL DUST (CONT’D)
They’re mine.
Angel Dust LEAPS outward, falls like a stone, HITS the groundwith a
THUNDEROUS impact. The dust clears. She strides over
the broken ground, smiling, READY for a scrap.
DEADPOOL :
Long term, that’s hard on your knees.
(ALT:
Super-hero landing! Clearly you’re fartoo much dude for me. Which is why...
(points)
...I brought him.
COLOSSUS steps forward into Angel Dust’s path holding a pairof Adamantium
HANDCUFFS just like he used on Deadpool.
COLOSSUS :
I’d prefer not to hit a woman. So
please place your hands behind your-
BOOM! Without stopping Angel Dust throws a RIGHT HOOK fromher HEELS. The
punch CONNECTS with COLOSSUS’s JAW. He goesflying, SCRAPING SPARKS ACROSS
CONCRETE.
DEADPOOL :
(sighs, points)
I also brought her.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD steps forward on Deadpool’s right.
NTW chews her gum. Once. Twice. Then runs TOWARD AngelDust, LOWERS her
SHOULDER, and EXPLODES UP toward her with a
WICKEDLY THUNDEROUS BANG of ENERGY and SOUND.
Yes, Negasonic Teenage Warhead is exactly that - a living,
breathing WARHEAD - like her own personal CANNONBALL.
It’s Angel Dust’s turn to go flying backward, smashing into -
and completely trashing - a heavy metal shipping container.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I feel sorry for the guy who tries topressure her into prom sex.
Angel Dust regains her feet, smiles dangerously at the Mercs.
ANGEL DUST :
Never mind. Fire.
(CONTINUED)
Page 100/119
64 CONTINUED:
Deadpool is already moving as the Mercs OPEN FIRE, full-auto.
Deadpool grabs the still-woozy NTW and runs to the nearbycover of metal
scrap, keeping between her and the gunfire.
Colossus, now back on his feet, strides purposely forward.
Bullets ping harmlessly off his metal skin. Angel Dustcharges forward,
snarling.
DEADPOOL :
(shouts)
Finish fucking her the fuck up.
Colossus stops, annoyed.
COLOSSUS :
Language. Please.
Then Angel Dust SMASHES into him. The two collide with earthshaking
force. The sheer power of Angel Dust’s momentumslams them backwards
into-and through-a huge pile of scrap.
65 INT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY 65
AJAX pulls VANESSA forward to the edge of the carrier deck,
forces her gaze downward toward the WAR ZONE below.
AJAX:
How does it feel? Ex-boyfriend abandons
you, becomes a sanity-challenged killer
mutant in tights...
VANESSA:
Says the sanity-challenged killer mutant
in parachute pants. P.S. I’ve never
played the role of damsel in distress.
AJAX :
‘Til now.
Ajax yanks Vanessa away from the edge again.
66 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 66
Every MERC is pouring fire towards Deadpool’s position. He
hunkers down with NTW, her hands clamped tight over her ears.
Deadpool unzips a zipper, reaches into his suit at thecrotch, YANKS.
Grimaces. We hear fabric tear. He pulls hishand out, waves a pair of torn
TIGHTIE-WHITIES up from behind
cover.
(CONTINUED)
Page 101/119
66 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
Hey, fellas, whoa! Hold on! Don’tcha
wanna hear my terms?!
The mercs spot the white ‘flag.’ Fire slackens from full-
auto to a few pot-shots. Finally, Deadpool pops up.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You guys only work for that shit-spackledMuppet fart! So I’m gonna give
y’all thechance to lay down your firearms inreturn for preferential -
bordering ongentle - possibly even lover-like
treatment.
The Mercs ignore him, opening fire AGAIN with a vengeance.
Deadpool ducks and drops his tightie-whities.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Fine. Commando.
(to NTW)
Stay down, kid. Unless your power’sstopping bullets.
Deadpool SURGES forward, dives from cover, rolls. He comes
up boot knife out, arm whipping forward-
The nearest merc's head snaps back as the knife buries itself
to the hilt in his eye socket.
Deadpool sprints forward, zig-zagging, leaping, spinning ashe closes the
distance to the mercs. He's moving too fastfor their guns to track. Bullets
chew up the ground behind.
Deadpool reaches the first pile of twisted metal, slidesunder, comes up
behind two mercs taking shelter there. The
first man turns, gun barrel swinging ‘round. Deadpool ducks,
sweeps his legs, grabs his gun as he goes down.
Deadpool rolls over him, firing BACKWARD into the man's facewhile spinning
up to smash his boot into the face of thesecond merc. He slides past,
firing a burst backward intothe merc’s neck as he falls.
Seconds later he’s leaping OVER the heads of the next pair of
mercs. They turn to fire up at him - too slow. He fires
short, controlled bursts down into their upturned faces.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Deadpool lands, tosses the empty smoking gun. Then slowly,
lovingly, unsheathes his Katanas.
(CONTINUED)
66 CONTINUED:
Page 102/119
Deadpool is running forward now, weaving his way through thewreckage.
Hunting.
COLOSSUS and ANGEL DUST engage in a BATTLE ROYALE. Colossus
grabs Angel Dust by the SCRUFF of her NECK and HURLS her intoan ABANDONED
AIRCRAFT. CRUNCH.
Angel Dust is on one knee, shaken, disheveled, one BREASThanging out of her
torn flak jacket.
The prim Colossus covers his eyes.
COLOSSUS :
Uh... you seem to have, um...
Angel Dust smiles, tucks the wayward boob back in, thenBLASTS Colossus with
a FLYING KNEE that generates SHOCK WAVESso powerful, Colossus’ CHROME
actually RIPPLES.
Colossus growls and CHARGES AGAIN.
CUT TO:
DEADPOOL spins around a corner as another pair of MERCS moveforward, guns
raised.
Deadpool dives under their fire, guts them in blurred flashof steel.
THRUST! SLICE! IMPALE! COMPLETE MAYHEM.
Another trio of mercs rush around the corner, opening fire asthey see their
comrades fall. DEADPOOL runs toward them,
flips and dodges like a whirling dervish, bringing GUARDSdown in surgical,
artistic fashion, as if where he’s killingthem means as much to him as how.
Two men converge on Deadpool. He JUMPS. Mid-air, he flipshis TWO KATANAS,
GRIPS them upside-down like ICE PICKS, andSTABS down in an arc to either
side, SKEWERING two men
through the TOPS of their HELMETS.
A final merc comes around the corner and Deadpool spins,
slices the strap of his gun, kicks the man in the chest,
knocking him flat on his back and sitting on his face.
DEADPOOL :
Tea-bag!
(notices man under him)
Bob?!
BOB :
Wade?!
(CONTINUED)
Page 103/119
67 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
It’s been since... Jacksonville!
BOB :
TGIFridays.
DEADPOOL :
Liked the Loaded Potato Skins. Didn’t
like you.
BOB :
Ditto.
Deadpool rises and pulls Bob to his feet. Bob tries to draw
a pistol but DP slaps it out of his hand, sends it skittering
away.
DEADPOOL :
Bob, y’mind taking a half-step right?
No, your right. Never mind-
Deadpool KNOCKS Bob OUT with the sword’s GRIP, then NUDGEShim sideways
gently as he falls.
At last, SILENCE. Deadpool steps forward. Then looks uptoward the carrier
above, waves.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Yoo-hoo!
From above, AJAX peers down sees that Deadpool has killed hishenchmen in
such precise positions that their fallen bodiesspell out:
FRANCIS.
Deadpool moves forward. LIMPING. CHARRED. TATTERED. But
unbowed.
AJAX :
That never gets old. But neither will
you.
Right on cue...
...three more Mercs appear to either side of Ajax, armed withHEAVY MACHINE
GUNS - much NASTIER than any we’ve yet seen.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! The guards OPEN FIRE, and a BARRAGE ofbullets rain
down on the scrapyard, chewing up the landscapearound Deadpool.
(CONTINUED)
Page 104/119
67 CONTINUED:
Deadpool SPRINTS back toward cover, weaving, leaping, zigzagging
to avoid being hit. He dives behind some wreckage asmore gunfire pings off
the metal.
DEADPOOL, pokes his head up, drawing a withering barrage offire from the
mercs above.
Hey!
ANGLE ON:
crouched under a broken PLANE WING.
Climb on.
Deadpool nods, then sprints toward her, springs high, flips,
and lands on his back, spread eagled on the wing.
DEADPOOL :
Light the candle...
NTW nonchalantly SPITS out her GUM, crouches, and... EXPLODESUPWARD. The
wing LAUNCHES up in a shallow PARABOLA, DeadpoolCLINGING for dear life on
TOP.
68 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 68
Four MERCS continue firing down as the wing soars up.
The WING SMASHES into them. All four go FLYING. Two end upDEAD under the
wing.
AJAX is thrown backward.
One MERC lands, stunned, close to the edge. A LONG BEAT.
AJAX rises to his feet.
Then DEADPOOL pulls himself UP over the edge of the carrierand ROLLS onto
the deck. He looks like he’s been through ameat grinder - limping,
scorched, bloody.
Deadpool staggers to his feet. The last injured MERC lamelytries to GRAB
his ANKLE.
DEADPOOL:
Your plan to trip me to death? Has
failed.
Deadpool nonchalantly STABS him through the back of the necklike a
butterfly on a display, then turns to face Ajax.
(CONTINUED)
68 CONTINUED:
Twenty meters away, AJAX leans casually against... what else?
Page 105/119
THE PUNCH-BOWL. VANESSA is STRAPPED inside, lid open.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You were right, babe.
(wipes blood off sword)
Red is my color.
VANESSA :
Wade?
AJAX:
(taps glass)
What better way to climb back in your
head...
DEADPOOL :
You never left.
VANESSA :
(to Deadpool)
But you did, asshole.
AJAX:
You two have a lot to work out. Take a
deep breath. Wait. Wrong choice...
Ajax quickly CLOSES the LID and hits a SWITCH. Vanessa
starts taking short, desperate GASPS.
AJAX (CONT’D)
...of words.
DEADPOOL:
I hope they blocked pain to your every
last nerve. ‘Cause I’m’a go looking.
Ajax squats down and picks up TWO STEEL-HAFTED FIRE-FIGHTINGAXES, each with
an ULTRA-SHARP BLADE on one side of its head
and an EQUALLY SHARP CLAW on the other.
Deadpool raises a KATANA and HURLS it NOT at Ajax, but thePUNCH-BOWL. The
blade PENETRATES the PLEXI and tears into
the RESTRAINT holding Vanessa’s RIGHT WRIST, partly FRAYINGit. AIR seeps
through the CRACK. Vanessa catches a tinyBREATH. She TUGS on the frayed
RESTRAINT.
AJAX:
I hear you grow back parts. When I get
done... parts will have to grow back you.
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DEADPOOL :
Good one.
(CONTINUED)
68 CONTINUED:
A big BOOMING sound from below and then the deck of thecarrier shakes as if
from a mild earthquake. Ajax andDeadpool look at each other. Shrug.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Let’s dance.
(beat)
And by dance I mean try to kill each
other.
69 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 69
BAM! Below, COLOSSUS delivers a HAYMAKER from hell itself.
Angel Dust FALLS, then RISES, RIPS OFF the WING of a PLANE,
and BLASTS Colossus with it... first like a BASEBALL BAT,
then like a GOLF CLUB, then like a COUNTY FAIR MALLETS youuse to try to
ring a bell. CLANG!
A battered NTW RACES toward Angel Dust. Angel Dust swingsthe wing, but NTW
BASEBALL SLIDES UNDER it and EXPLODES upinto her chin.
Angel Dust is lifted off her feet into the side of thecarrier, BUCKLING
some of its supports. NTW rolls aside.
70 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 70
And now, we get what we’ve been long been waiting for:
THE FINAL CLOSE QUARTERS BATTLE between DEADPOOL AND AJAX.
AXES vs. KATANA, TEN STORIES UP...
AJAX TAKES a MIGHTY, ROARING SWING with an AXE.
DEADPOOL :
Yowww!
STEEL SINGS as AXE and KATANA meet again and again. THRUSTS.
PARRIES. SPARKS FLY!
THUNK! Deadpool’s BLADE passes through Ajax’s THIGH and pinshim to a piece
of wreckage.
CRACK! Ajax tags Deadpool’s head with the FLAT of an axe.
SNAP! Ajax BREAKS the sword’s blade with an AXE, not feelinganything as he
slides his leg off the sword.
GASP! VANESSA grits her teeth, pulls against the restraints.
The thick nylon begins to tear as she saws it against thekatana blade.
(CONTINUED)
Page 107/119
70 CONTINUED:
CLANG! AJAX wields both axes in a red blur of painted steel.
Deadpool snatches up a piece of rusted RAILING from the deck,
barely blocks Ajax’s windmilling swings.
Finally, Ajax smashes the length of rusty metal fromDeadpool’s hands with
one axe, while the sharp CLAW END ofthe other buries itself in Deadpool’s
FOREARM. Deadpoolhollers.
Deadpool’s red suit has torn away, and the SKULL of hisTATTOO bleeds from a
HOLE in its FOREHEAD.
Deadpool GRITS his TEETH and YANKS the AXE from Ajax’s grasp.
A spinning KICK sends the second axe flying after the first.
Now they’re completely unarmed.
AJAX :
Fine. Fists.
DEADPOOL :
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
(smiles)
The sense of humor survived.
AJAX and DEADPOOL TRADE VICIOUS PUNCHES. It’s HAGLER vs.
HEARNS! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Inspired, VANESSA strains against the torn nylon. RRRRIPPP!
Her right wrist TEARS FREE. She uses her freed hand to start
unlatching her other restraints.
DEADPOOL throws short, blinding PUNCHES - rat-a-tat-tat -
into AJAX’s jaw.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Since you can’t feel it?
(holds up an INCISOR)
I just knocked out your tooth.
AJAX snarls, drives a SHOULDER into Deadpool, then MOUNTS himand BLUDGEONS
his face with HAMMER-LIKE FISTS.
DEADPOOL is starting to LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS when he turns hishead to one
side and spies the PUNCH-BOWL.
We RACK FOCUS to VANESSA locking eyes with him from inside.
Hers is an inspired... and INSPIRING look of LOVE.
We hear a REPRISE of JOHN DENVER’s ‘I WANT TO LIVE.’
(CONTINUED)
70 CONTINUED:
VANESSA pushes against the sealed door of the punchbowl withall her might.
With a squeal of metal the latch breaks, thetwisted metal flying off the
Page 108/119
lid as it slams open.
Vanessa grabs the KATANA, jerks it free with another mightyeffort. Then
slides down the containers toward AJAX. With a
fierce scream, she PLUNGES the blade into his KIDNEY. The
blade punches through the other side but Ajax feels no pain,
YANKS out the katana, and THROWS Vanessa aside violently.
But it’s all the opportunity Deadpool needs. He SURGES with
energy and throws an THUNDEROUS UPPERCUT, BLASTING Ajax off.
JOHN DENVER :
I want to liiiiiive!
Below:
and KICKS him THROUGH another STEEL SUPPORT.
Colossus COLLAPSES. The carrier GROANS.
Angel Dust moves in for the KILL. Only out of nowhere...
...NTW strikes her in the chops and EXPLODES, sending thelarger woman
SMASHING into concrete with UNPRECEDENTED FORCE.
Now it’s Angel Dust’s turn to be broken, smoking, seeminglydown for the
count. NTW approaches carefully to make certainit’s all over...
...but Angel Dust shoots out an arm and GRABS her... DRAGSher in CLOSE...
makes to SMASH her head like a walnut.
ANGEL DUST :
C’mere, ya little bitch.
NTW fights back valiantly, PUNCHING fast and hard withFLURRIES of ENERGY.
Angel Dust is scorched and battered bythe blows, but her adrenaline and
rage SURGE. She grabs NTWaround the neck, plants her into the ground...
...and begins to CHOKE the life out of her. NTW flails,
cannot break Angel Dust’s grip...
...but marshals her last remaining energy to live up to her
name...
...and EXPLODE like an ALMIGHTY WARHEAD. BOOM!
CUT WIDE to a GARGANTUAN EXPLOSION.
(CONTINUED)
71 CONTINUED:
The ship SHAKES VIOLENTLY, then starts to LIST at a DANGEROUSANGLE.
72 EXT. FLIGHT DECK / CONTINUOUS 72
DEADPOOL and AJAX are trading BLOWS again when the DECK SWAYSas if hit by a
9.0 EARTHQUAKE. Then with a thunderous,
shuddering, groaning of metal the whole carrier begins totilt.
Page 109/119
Loose wreckage begins to slide and tumble past. A shippingcontainer barrels
towards them and Deadpool kicks Ajaxbackwards, right into its path. SLAM!
It plows into him andcarries him with it as it disappears over the side.
Deadpool scrambles and claws up the tilting floor and grabshold of Vanessa.
Deadpool looks around frantically...
...and then spies the PUNCH-BOWL, sliding toward them.
Deadpool grabs the side as it slides past and throws VANESSAinside and
SHUTS the LID for protection...
They slam into the twisted metal railings at the bottom ofthe deck and hang
there. Deadpool swings by one hand andstares at the scrapyard below. Huge
chunks of metal slideand smash past to tumble to the ground a hundred feet
below.
Vanessa hangs onto Deadpool for dear life, her eyes locked onhis...
VANESSA :
If we survive this. I’m gonna kill you.
DEADPOOL :
We have so much to catch up on.
...as the CARRIER topples in an AVALANCHE of STEEL!
An EPIC collapse of SHRIEKING METAL. Flying glass. Nearlyseismic booms. A
mushroom CLOUD of thick, black destruction.
FADE TO BLACK.
73 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 73
Black. A crack of light appears, dust sifting down throughthe beam.
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
More light, more dust and debris pattering down onto-somekind of scratched
glass in front of the lens. Finally a holeof bright sky fills the frame.
CUT TO:
COLOSSUS vigorously TOSSING aside MASSIVE SLABS of STEEL ashe digs through
the wreckage, uncovering the PUNCH-BOWL,
damaged, but intact. The LID CREAKS OPEN - pushed byVanessa’s TREMBLING
HAND.
Vanessa climbs out dazed, dusty, coughing.
COLOSSUS :
You’re OK. Take it slow.
Elsewhere in the rubble pile DEADPOOL’s HEAD POPS UP fromsome DEBRIS,
again, like the Caddyshack gopher.
Page 110/119
DEADPOOL :
I’m good.
Deadpool is just staggering to his feet when AJAX emergesfrom under another
BEAM and TACKLES him.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
¡Caramba!
(subtitled, in YELLOW:)
For heaven’s sake!
The impact sends them both flying, rolling, over the edge ofa metal
container. They fall locked together, punching andgrappling. They
bounce/slide down the pile of rubble.
Deadpool gets the better of the grappling and lands on AJAX’sCHEST. He goes
to TOWN with vicious FOREARMS and ELBOWS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Wham! Wham! Wham!
BAM! BAM! BAM. Bam. You can feel Deadpool’s adrenalized
catharsis. Ajax tries to block-CRACK! Deadpool shatters hiselbow. Ajax
other fist swings round, tags Deadpool, but hecatches it, wraps it
tight-SNAP!
Ajax finally goes limp, both arms bent in horribly wrongdirections.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(thrilled/exhausted)
There are no words.
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
Deadpool pulls out BLIND AL’s SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL and AIMSit right
BETWEEN AJAX’s EYES.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Me and you are headed to fix this face.
Or else...
Deadpool places a piece of paper onto Ajax’s chest.
Ajax shakes off the cobwebs and examines the paper; it’sDeadpool’s CRAYON
DRAWING of Ajax getting his brains blown
out. Ajax actually LAUGHS.
AJAX:
Sorry. It’s just. All this time, you
bought that I have the cure? I’m
flattered. But do I really look like the
scientist type? You want the guy behind
the guy. His name’s Dr. Killebrew. And
he’s long gone. Who knows where.
Page 111/119
DEADPOOL :
Um. What?
AJAX :
You heard me.
DEADPOOL:
You mean to say, after five long years,
I’ve been chasing the wrong monkey?
AJAX :
Sounds even stupider when you say it.
DEADPOOL:
Like the kind of stupid who admits he
can’t do the one thing I’m keeping him
alive for?
(chambers a round)
Any last words? Good. I got one:
(pulls back the hammer)
Francis.
COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Wade!
Deadpool turns to see Colossus, hands on hips, looking extraHEROIC.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD is STANDING at his SIDE.
COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
Four or five moments.
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL :
I’m sorry?
COLOSSUS:
Four or five moments. That’s all it
takes...
DEADPOOL :
To...?
COLOSSUS:
Page 112/119
Be a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a full
time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your
teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not
true. Over a lifetime, there are only
four or five moments that really matter.
Moments when you’re offered a choice. To
make a sacrifice. Conquer a flaw. Save
a friend. Spare an enemy.
Deadpool continues to hold the pistol to Ajax’s head.
COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
In those moments, everything else falls
away. The way the world sees us. The
way we see oursel-
BOOM! OFF-SCREEN, A GUNSHOT.
COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
(dry-heaves again)
Huuugglh! Why!
REVERSE ANGLE to Deadpool, who’s just shot AJAX in the headwith Blind Al’s
SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL.
DEADPOOL :
You were droning on!
(shrugs)
I may be stuck looking like pepperoni
flatbread, but at least we’ve heard the
last of him. If wearing super-hero
tights means sparing psychopaths, maybe I
wasn’t meant to wear ‘em. Not everyone
monitors a hall like you.
COLOSSUS :
Just promise-
DEADPOOL:
I’ll be on the lookout for the next four
moments.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
(peers between Colossus and
NTW)
Page 113/119
Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m just aboy... about to stand in front of
agirl... and tell her- what the fuck am Igonna tell her?!
CUT TO:
now walking quickly TOWARD him. She brushes
between the two X-men and without saying a word, GRABS thefallen PISTOL and
PUMPS TWO EXTRA BULLETS into Ajax’s corpse.
VANESSA :
(bang)
Gratuitous.
(bang)
Worth it.
DEADPOOL :
(to camera)
Anyone else turned on?
(to Vanessa)
That’s what I love about y-
Vanessa promptly PUNCHES Deadpool in the face.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I totally deserved that!
(gets punched again)
That too!
(wards off knee)
Maybe not the nethers.
Vanessa restrains herself, then TURNS HER BACK, overcome.
VANESSA :
Start talking.
DEADPOOL :
I’m so sorry. For leaving. And takingso long to cowboy up. It’s been a
roughfew years.
VANESSA :
(snorts, dismissive)
Rough?
DEADPOOL :
I live in a crack house. With a familyof twelve. At night, we spoon
forwarmth. Everyone fights for Noelle.
She’s the fattest.
(MORE)
Page 114/119
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
DEADPOOL (CONT'D)
There’s nothing we don’t share. Floor
space. Dental floss. Condoms.
VANESSA :
So you live in a house!
(turns to face him)
DEADPOOL :
I woulda found you before now. But the
guy behind this mask isn’t the same guyyou remember.
VANESSA :
You mean this mask?
Deadpool FLINCHES but doesn’t STOP Vanessa from slowly,
gently taking OFF his mask, revealing underneath... HUGHJACKMAN’s ‘SEXIEST
MAN ALIVE’ People MAGAZINE COVER. Blood
at the pierce points. Mouth/eyes cut out to make a ‘mask.’
DEADPOOL :
And this one. In case the other fell
off.
VANESSA :
You mean like this?
Vanessa starts PULLING OUT staples.
DEADPOOL :
Oo. Ah. Quicker - like a Bandaid! Owwwdi
5000.
One last staple remains. Vanessa hesitates.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Sure?
VANESSA :
Sure I’m sure.
She PULLS it out. The photo FALLS, revealing DEADPOOL’sSCARS. And two
vulnerable, misty eyes. A beat.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Ew.
Page 115/119
DEADPOOL :
(devastated)
I understand.
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
VANESSA:
(smiles)
Kidding! Get over yourself! I’d hit
that shit.
DEADPOOL :
You already did.
(rubs chin)
Twice. Seriously?
VANESSA:
(nods)
After a brief adjustment period and oneor two drinks.
(smiles)
It’s a face... I’d be happy to sit on.
Vanessa hooks Deadpool’s PINKIE with HERS, PULLS him in tokiss him.
DEADPOOL :
I’m also not the same under these pants.
(whispers)
Super-penis.
Deadpool and Vanessa are ABOUT to kiss when...
1975 called.
Deadpool realizes COLOSSUS and NTW are still standingWATCHING.
It wants its peep show back.
DEADPOOL :
Gah! What the hell are you two stilldoing here?!
(to Colossus)
You, go clean some chalk-board erasers,
or be a... really Big Brother, or teachfat kids to eat lettuce.
(to NTW)
And you, Chicken Noodle. Well...
Page 116/119
(freezes)
I feel something stupid coming on.
(bounces)
Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!
(CONTINUED)
73 CONTINUED:
It’s alright.
(beat, tiniest of smiles)
You’re cool.
DEADPOOL:
(STARES, elated)
I am?! Omigod. That. Was. Not. Mean!
Seriously, guys, it was a pleasure. For
a second there, we felt like... like...
(we expect ‘family’)
...five mini lion robots forming a large
super robot.
There’s the stupid.
DEADPOOL :
Now, I meant it, both of you, fire up theBlackbird and shoo! Scram!
Vamoose!
Skedaddle! Don’t make me keep thinkingof these!
They smile, shake their heads, and walk off.
Deadpool turns back to Vanessa.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Where were we, darlin’? Oh, riiight.
The best part.
Deadpool KISSES Vanessa. The little kiss become a BIGGER
ONE. Then... fading up from nowhere, with a slightly tinnyquality... we
hear WHAM!’s ‘CARELESS WHISPER.’ Vanessa pullsback, puzzled. Deadpool
raises his ANDROID. On the cracked
and dirty screen, George’s and Andrew’s FACES beam fromWham!’s ‘MAKE IT
BIG’ album cover.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
‘Wham!’ As promised.
The two share the longest kiss yet.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, life can smell like Daffodil
Page 117/119
Daydream. So if you’re sitting out therein your own personal Punch-Bowl.
Ms.
Mama June on your tongue. Find someone
to hold... and someone to hold on to you.
Life’s next little train wreck...
74 INT. NEW WORKSHOP - DAY 74
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
..will be so much easier if you do.
We find ourselves in a newer, spiffier version of theWORKSHOP, where a LAB
TECHNICIAN is strapping down a newsickly VOLUNTEER/VICTIM.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Which brings us to shittiest moment
number 1! The guy behind the guy, Dr.
Killebrew, off scot-free.
A SILHOUETTED FIGURE approaches the bed of the nervousvolunteer, who smiles
weakly.
VOLUNTEER :
Can you make me better?
REVERSE ANGLE to reveal whom he’s talking to: the PUDGY,
KINDLY-LOOKING DOCTOR WHO STROKED WADE’S HEAD IN THE
WORKSHOP. He smiles, pats the volunteer’s wrist.
DR. KILLEBREW
Better than better.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
But let’s look on the bright side.
(sniffs)
You smell what I smell? I mean besides
stale popcorn and my post-fight man-funk?
Dr. Killebrew holds up a syringe with a glint in his eye.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Sequel. Maybe even one of those ensembleteam movies...
75 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 75
DEADPOOL and Vanessa MAKE OUT LIKE CRAZY, LONG AND HARD. We
slowly PULL BACK until they look SMALL against the toppledhulk of the
COMBAT CARRIER.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
So, ‘til next time, this is your friendlyneighborhood pool guy saying...
I’m nevergonna dance again... the way I dancedwith you.
WHAM BELTS OUT ‘CARELESS WHISPER’ as we ROLL CREDITS.
V76 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY -POST CREDIT SEQUENCE V76
A hallway of a suburban home. DEADPOOL enters in a maroon
Page 118/119
and gray striped robe.
DEADPOOL:
(short version)
You’re still here? It’s over! Go home.
Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool
2?! Sorry, we’re low on dough. But if
you can keep a secret, I can tell you
who’s gonna be in it. Cable! Someone
suggested Mel Gibson for the role, buuuut-
I was thinking Liam Neeson. Only
problem, Liam likes to get paid. And
more for Liam means less for me. Maybe
we’ll crowdfund the shit. Just you and
me, kids. Shalom!
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(long version)
You’re still here? It’s over! Go home.
Wait... you expected a tease for Deadpool
2?! Maybe a little Samuel L. Jackson?
Sorry, that budget went to Weasel’s
Ketamine habit. But if you can keep a
secret, I can tell you who’s gonna be in
it. Cable! You’re allowed to show your
pleasure. I’d love Liam Neeson for the
role, but Liam likes to get paid. And
more for Liam means less for me. So we’d
best crowdfund the shit. Depending on
your level of giving, you could receive a
Colossus-brand desktop steel-ball
clacker, a Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson real
doll, or four minutes alone in a room
with Charlie Sheen. Donate now! And
shalom!
SMASH CUT TO :
BLACK:
DEADPOOL (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(a la Ferris)
Boom, boom, chicka chickah...
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What advice does Deadpool give Dopinder about love?

What is Dopinder's situation with Gita?

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secret, Wade. The Workshop doesn’t makesuper-heroes. It makes super-slaves.

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