DEADPOOL FULL SCREENPLAY

Written by

SC Lannom

Based on, If Any

Address
Phone Number
 1.

FADE IN:
OVER BLACK:
Low volume, through a tinny speaker, JUICE NEWTON’S ‘ANGEL OF
THE MORNING.’
FADE UP ON:

1 EXT/INT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 1

DEADPOOL, in full DRESS REDS and MASK, quietly FIDGETS in the
BACK SEAT of a TAXI CAB as it proceeds along a CITY FREEWAY.
Deadpool adjusts the two KATANAS strapped to his back. Rolls
the WINDOWS up, down, up. Tries futilely to untwist the
seatbelt, then LUNGES forward, locking it up. Rifles through
a tourist booklet and tears out a HAUNTED SEGWAY TOUR coupon.
The CABBIE, young, thin, brown, glances back and forth from
the rear view to the road to the rear view.
DEADPOOL
Kinda lonesome back here.
CUT TO: DEADPOOL, WEDGING himself through the opening between
the back seat and front. His two katanas don’t cooperate,
catching on the Plexiglas, stalling him mid-torso.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Little help?
The cabbie grabs Deadpool’s hand and pulls him through to the
front. Deadpool’s head rests upside down on the bench seat as
he maneuvers his legs through. The cabbie turns the helping
hand into a HANDSHAKE, then turns down the Juice.
CABBIE
Dopinder.
DEADPOOL
(still upside-down)
Pool. Deadpool.
Dopinder is remarkably UNAFFECTED by the lunatic in his cab.
DOPINDER
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
DEADPOOL
 2.

It’s like Christmas Day, Dopinder.

Been waiting one thousand eight
hundred twenty-two days, three
hours--
(checks ‘Adventure Time’
watch)
--and thirty-six minutes for this
shit.
DEADPOOL turns himself RIGHT-SIDE-UP in the front seat. He is
YOKED to the gills and ARMED to the teeth. TWIN KATANAS. TWIN
DESERT EAGLE .50 CALIBER PISTOLS.
Deadpool grabs Dopinder’s OPEN BAG of CORN NUTS. Dopinder
isn’t quick enough to stop him. Deadpool gazes out the window
onto the city - a teeming, sooty urban sprawl that looks
almost pre-post-apocalyptic.

Deadpool turns up his MASK. Dopinder catches a GLIMPSE of the

bottom of a SCARRED face. And quickly looks AWAY. Deadpool
eats the CORN NUTS. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. Points.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Nice.
Dopinder eyes his DAFFODIL DAYDREAM AIR FRESHENER and takes a
deep breath through his nose.
DOPINDER
Smells good, no?
DEADPOOL
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The
girl.
A PICTURE of a young INDIAN WOMAN is taped to the dash.

DOPINDER
Ah yes. Gita. She is quite lovely.
She was supposed to make me a very
agreeable wife. Mom and Dad chose
her rather excellently. But Gita’s
heart has been stolen by my cousin
Bandhu. Bandhu is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
DEADPOOL
Dopinder, I’m starting to think I’m
in this cab for a reason.
DOPINDER
Because you hailed it?
DEADPOOL
 3.

No, my slender brown friend to give

you one crucial piece of advice:
Love is a beautiful thing. When it
finds you, the whole world smells
like Daffodil Daydream.
Deadpool’s own heartbreak is palpable. He takes another deep,
cleansing BREATH.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
So hold onto love tight. Go at
Bandhu hard. Get Gita back. Or else
the whole world will taste like
Mama June after hot yoga.
DOPINDER
And how does Ms. Mama June taste?

DEADPOOL
Like two hobos making love under a
drizzle of Limburger- I could go
all day like this. Point is, bad.
Deadpool chucks the bag of Corn Nuts into the back seat and
pulls out his PISTOLS. He starts CHAMBERING shells into two
magazines.
Suddenly, he frantically pats himself down, like a Hollywood
agent who can’t find his phone.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Shiiiit. My extra mags! I usually
leave them right by the door so
I’ll trip over them! Someone
must’ve moved them.

2 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY 2

A blind late-70’s AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN in a purple floral
dress enters the front door, falls as she trips over an ‘I
*HEART* HELLO KITTY’ DUFFEL BAG of AMMUNITION, PICKS it UP,
and CARRIES it OFF.

3 INT/EXT. TAXI CAB - MORNING 3

DOPINDER
Shall we turn back?
DEADPOOL
No time. Not today.
(slides in last bullets)
Ten, eleven, twelve or bust.
 4.

(chambers a shell into

each gun, looks up)
Right here!
The cab SCREECHES to a stop on the shoulder of the highest
FREEWAY in a massive INTERCHANGE of freeways. Dopinder halts
the meter and hands Deadpool his CARD.
DOPINDER
My card. That’s $27.50.
DEADPOOL
Oooo. I never carry a wallet when
I'm working. Ruins the lines of my
suit. How 'bout a crisp high five?
Dopinder stares as he and Deadpool slap skin. Deadpool GETS
OUT of the cab.
DOPINDER
Be sure to ask for me again?
DEADPOOL
I owe you one. Merry Christmas,
Dopinder.
DOPINDER
And a convivial. Tuesday in April
to you, Pool Guy.
Deadpool closes the door with a flourish. Boom.

4 EXT/INT. ‘THE RAFT’ PRISON - MORNING 4

A bone-white ISLAND PRISON, affectionately nicknamed ‘The
Raft,’ looms ominously in a CITY HARBOR.
Etched in helvetica into the prison wall: ‘No punishment has
ever possessed enough power of deterrence to prevent the
commission of crimes.’ - Hannah Arendt. Below it, GRAFFITIED
in RED SPRAY PAINT: ‘Until NOW’
The prison’s FRONT DOORS OPEN, and out steps a handcuffed
PRISONER, 30’s, ORANGE JUMPSUIT, broad shoulders, whip-smart,
tightly coiled, with cool, dead-blue eyes. BURLY GUARDS guide
him across a CAUSEWAY toward a CONVOY of Escalades and
Ducatis on shore.
The middle Escalade’s door opens. The prisoner stops. The
guards unlock his CUFFS.
GUARD
You’re someone else’s problem now.
 5.

The ex-prisoner STRETCHES his arms and strides TOWARD the

convoy.
PRISONER
Yes. I. Am.
CUE SALT & PEPA’S ‘SHOOP:’

5 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 5

DEADPOOL sits on the edge of the highest freeway on the
overpass, legs dangling over the side like Huck Finn.
DEADPOOL
Can I get some fries with that
shake-shake boobie? If looks could
kill you would be an uzi.
Deadpool is using some broken CRAYONS to draw something on a
scrap of paper. REVERSE ANGLE to REVEAL a childish drawing of
Deadpool SHOOTING another man in the head, brains blowing
out.
The victim’s thought bubble reads: ‘OUCHIE!!!’ Even through
the mask, Deadpool looks pleased by this.
He turns to CAMERA:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Oh, hello, Deadpool here. You may
be wondering whose balls I had to
fondle to get my own movie. Rhymes
with ‘Polverine.’ Couple’a smooth
criminals.
(ALT:)
In a word, gorgeous.
(ALT:)
Surprisingly little hair down
there.
(ALT:)
It’s a jungle down there.
(ALT:)
Thick underbrush.
(beat)
Anyway, I smell Oscar. The suit’s
gonna match the carpet. Now places
to be, faces to fix, bad guys to
kill.
ANGLE ON a distant BIRD’S EYE VIEW of the freeway
interchange: an interwoven tangle of ramps.
 6.

6 EXT. REMOTE AIRFIELD - MORNING 6

AJAX, 30’s, dead-blue eyes, broad shoulders, whip-smart,
tightly coiled stands at ease on a cracked and blistered
tarmac. Behind him, a HEAVILY ARMED CONVOY OF DUCATIS and
ESCALADES. FOUR LARGE ALUMINUM CARGO CRATES sit beside him.
Ajax squints into the sun as A BELL HELICOPTER thrashes the
air above him, kicking up dust as it lands.
A SERBIAN WARLORD, mid-50’s, sharply dressed, armored
BRIEFCASE in hand, climbs out. He is surrounded by ARMED
GUARDS.
The Warlord places the BRIEFCASE on the FOREMOST CRATE. Ajax
pops the case to find STACKS upon STACKS of THOUSAND DOLLAR
BILLS. Satisfied, he closes the briefcase and hands it to one
of his men.
AJAX
(bangs crate)
They won’t disappoint.
WARLORD
They’d better not. And next month’s
shipment?
AJAX
There won’t be one. Demand is high.
You aren’t the only one with a war
to win.
WARLORD
(steps forward)
That won’t do.

Both sets of armed thugs shift to ready positions.

Ajax smiles calmly, but his free hand DARTS OUT and CASUALLY
LIFTS the warlord into the air by the THROAT. Fingers find
triggers on both sides.
AJAX
There’s been a small disruption in
our supply chain. We’ll deliver in
full the following month. Say, ten
percent off for the inconvenience?
The Warlord manages to nod in acquiescence. Ajax smiles
again, lowers him gasping to the ground.
AJAX (CONT’D)
We appreciate your business.
 7.

Ajax spins and walks purposefully toward the line of waiting

SUV’s.
The warlord angrily motions for his men to begin loading the
crates into the helicopter, which they do.
WARLORD
(sotto voce)
Fucking mutant.
Behind him the convoy of SUV’s and motorcycles pull out,
falling into line as they accelerate past the rows of
derelict aircraft.

7 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - DAY 7

DEADPOOL watches as the convoy approaches. He CASUALLY gets

up as if standing up out of an easy chair.
DEADPOOL
On your mark, get set, go, let me
go, let me shoop.
He PIROUETTES, and DROPS an entire level DOWN.

8 INT. ESCALADE - MORNING 8

THROUGH the SUNROOF of an ESCALADE. SMASH!
There are FOUR HUGE BAD-ASSES inside the S.U.V., two in
front, two behind. Deadpool lands back-middle in a HAILSTORM
of GLASS. He stuns the men to both sides with elbows to the
face as he raises his arms in greeting.

DEADPOOL
¡Hola! ¡Me llamo Piscina De La
Muerte!
(subtitled, in YELLOW:)
Hello! My name is the Pool of
Death. There’s no easy way to say
this. I’m pregnant, Trevor.
(ALT:)
Any of you seen Green Lantern? Me
neither.
BOOM! MAYHEM ERUPTS as the two men in back find themselves
sharing a phone booth with the TASMANIAN DEVIL: ELBOWS.
FOREARMS. KNEES. CRACKING. CRUNCHING. SCREAMING.
From BEHIND, the Escalade BUCKS and BOUNCES down the road on
its suspension, almost CARTOON-LIKE.
 8.

A brutal punch spins Deadpool UPSIDE-DOWN, and he rolls with

it, uses his FEET to BREAK the man’s NECK. The other man
stomps on his head, then drags him up and SMUSHES Deadpool’s
face into the seat’s premium trim.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Rich. Corinthian. Leather.
Deadpool HURLS the man through THROUGH the TAILGATE WINDOW.
The man clutches the TAILGATE, DRAGGED behind the S.U.V.
Deadpool sticks his head between the two guys in FRONT.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Scuse, por favor!
The DRIVER SLAMS Deadpool’s head into the console repeatedly.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Deadpool squirms away and WRESTLES VIOLENTLY with the guy in
the PASSENGER SEAT.
He GRABS the PASSENGER SEAT-BELT, TIES it around the guy’s
ANKLE, and KICKS him out the PASSENGER SIDE DOOR. The guy’s
HEAD and SHOULDERS SMACK pavement, where he’s DRAGGED
mercilessly by his ANKLE - a modern COWBOY whose boot just
got stuck in his horse’s STIRRUP.
Deadpool grabs the driver by the HAIR on the BACK of his HEAD
and BANGS his FOREHEAD into:
The horn. HONK. HONK. The stereo. Every time the driver’s
forehead SMACKS the face of the stereo, the RADIO STATION
CHANGES:

MARIACHI. DR. DREW. MONSTER TRUCK COMMERCIAL (’SUNDAY,

SUNDAY, SUNDAY!’). One more SMACK to get us back to MARIACHI.
Deadpool looks in the REAR VIEW MIRROR to see the man in back
CRAWL up the tailgate.
Deadpool PUSHES in the Cadillac’s CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
Back to the DRIVER. Deadpool BASHES his face into the
DRIVER’s SIDE WINDOW. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.
We’re now OUTSIDE the Escalade, seeing the driver’s
expression take on a ridiculous silly-putty-esque grimace of
pain every time it’s MUSHED into the glass.
 9.

The man in back scrambles forward. The CIGARETTE LIGHTER POPS

OUT. Deadpool YANKS the EMERGENCY BRAKE. The man in back
LAUNCHES forward and SMACKS the DASHBOARD.
Deadpool STABS the now ORANGE-HOT lighter into the man’s
forehead, burning the COIL PATTERN into his skin. The man
SCREAMS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Loved your work in Daredevil.
Deadpool stuffs the lighter INTO the man’s mouth and CLAMPS
his hand over it.
The man hollers in muffled agony. A MOTORCYCLE has pulled
AHEAD of the ESCALADE and now sits, STOPPED, in its path.

The helmeted RIDER OPENS FIRE with a SUB-MACHINE GUN.

Deadpool has one hand grasped on the back of the driver’s
neck, still mashing his face into the window glass, and the
OTHER hand still clamped over the second man’s mouth. He
plants both FEET on the steering wheel and ‘drives,’ spinning
the wheel, sending the S.U.V. into a ROLL. The Escalade goes
ENDO, SOMERSAULTING WILDLY.
Suddenly, the ACTION BEGINS TO SLOW.
The motorcycle RIDER tries to bail out. NO LUCK. The tumbling
Escalade PLOWS RIGHT INTO him AND his bike.
Parts scatter off the motorcycle, including its CHAIN. The
RIDER continues to SQUEEZE off ROUNDS as he goes FLYING.
Inside the Escalade, Deadpool goes SPIN-CYCLE. The DRIVER
flies through the sunroof, tearing out its remaining glass.
BLOOD spatters. The other man spits out the glowing CIGARETTE
LIGHTER. The guy whose ankle is still tangled in the seat-
belt FLAILS through the air like a rag-doll, AHAB tied to
MOBY DICK.
The action CONTINUES to SLOW until it FREEZES.
The camera swoops in to Deadpool’s face, upside down.
HE TURNS HIS HEAD TO CAMERA FOR THE FIRST TIME, BREAKING THE
FOURTH WALL, THE ONLY THING IN THE SCENE THAT’S MOVING:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
We RAMP back UP to FULL SPEED. The S.U.V. CARTWHEELS. The
guy’s ankle untangles from the seat-belt. He FLIES high
toward a big HIGHWAY EXIT SIGN and SPLAT out of frame.
 10.

The RIDER’s NECK is SLICED by the flying MOTORCYCLE CHAIN.

The DRIVER is half-way out the SUNROOF when the S.U.V. rolls
over him. SQUISH.
The man who ate the CIGARETTE LIGHTER now eats pavement.

9 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY 9

A sign reads ‘PROFESSOR XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED
YOUNGSTERS.
REPORTER (O.S.)
Breaking news. A multicar collision
turns shots fired on the crosstown
expressway.

The sign sits on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the

gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION.

10 INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS 10

The X-Men’s COLOSSUS. A GOOD-NATURED GIANT with CHROME METAL
FOR SKIN. BIG AS A BARN. OTHER-WORLDLY STRONG. He is sitting
in the kitchen, eating a bowl of GRAPE NUTS and finishing a
SUDOKU, his attention suddenly drawn to a TELEVISION SCREEN:
REPORTER
The assailant appears to be wearing
a.
COLOSSUS
Red suit?

REPORTER (CONT'D)
Red suit.
With an audible CRACK, the pencil in Colossus’ thick fingers
snaps. He rises, muttering Russian curses and stalks from the
kitchen.

11 INT. HANGAR - MOMENTS LATER 11

Massive STEEL BLAST DOORS emblazoned with a huge “X” slide
open to reveal COLOSSUS. He walks quickly and purposefully
towards a big plane in the center of the huge space: the
BLACKBIRD, the X-Men’s modified XR-71 jet transport.
Struggling to keep up with the giant’s long strides is a
supernaturally CUTE, supernaturally DEADPAN 15-YEAR-OLD GIRL,
in an X-MEN outfit. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD.
 11.

COLOSSUS
I’ve given Deadpool every chance to
join us. And what is my reward?
More immaturity and criminality!
When will he finally grow up and
see benefits of becoming X-Man?

NTW
Like. The house that blows up every
few years? The fashion-forward
jump-suits? I need to get myself
kicked out of X- School.

COLOSSUS
But I thought you were at top of
class.

NTW
Was that sarcasm? Awesome.

COLOSSUS
You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast
is most important meal of day.
(hands NTW a protein bar)
Here. Protein bar, good for bones.
Deadpool may try to break yours.

NTW shoves the bar in a pocket of her coat without breaking

stride.

12 EXT. FREEWAY OVERPASS - MORNING 12

The S.U.V. slides to a halt ON ITS SIDE, PASSENGER WINDOWS
UP. The rest of the CONVOY is forced to stop BEHIND.
A BUNCH of MEN PILE OUT, each one carrying a BEASTLY GUN and
POINTING it STRAIGHT at the disabled S.U.V.
The last noise is made by one final dislodged HUBCAP, which
rattles in little circles until it lies FLAT on the freeway.
 12.

TWO SILENT BEATS. Then we hear the soft, ELECTRIC BUZZ of the
Escalade’s middle passenger window ROLLING DOWN. Up pops the
HEAD of DEADPOOL, like the GOPHER in Caddyshack.
BANG BANG BANG BANG.
DEADPOOL
Wait, wait.
The head drops, the hands come up. BANG.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Wait! You’re probably wondering.
Why the red suit? It’s so bad guys
can’t see me bleed. This guy has
the idea. He wore the brown pants.
(to camera)
All together now.
The THUGS immediately OPEN FIRE.
Deadpool is already leaping upward, flipping backwards,
bullets tearing the air beneath him as he pulls out those TWO
MASSIVE .50 CAL PISTOLS and in slo-mo, RETURNS FIRE.
Deadpool keeps count of every bullet he fires:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Twelve
A SHELL-CASING is EJECTED. We enter EXTREME SLO-MO and SWOOP
IN on the shell as it TUMBLES through the air revealing the
number ‘00012’ ETCHED in a semi-circle on its butt end.
Deadpool FIRES the second pistol. We move instantly to the
second shell: ‘00011’

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Eleven.

FULL SPEED. The first TWO THUGS get a MOUTHFUL of BULLET.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Ten.

ANOTHER SHOT. A THUG takes one in the HEART. The other thugs
POUR LEAD into the disabled S.U.V.
Deadpool LEAPS UP and OUT of the window, rising ABOVE the
incoming shots, then LANDING SAFELY BEHIND the Escalade.
 13.

Deadpool TURNS to SPY a MOTORCYCLE RIDER BEARING DOWN ON HIM.

This rider wears a distinctive SILVER HELMET.
Deadpool raises BOTH pistols. This RIDER LEANS away, dodging
each slug. First left, then right, then left.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Nine. Shit! Eight. Fuck! Seven.
Shit- fuck!

The bike WHIZZES PAST safely, firing bullets, DEADPOOL

follows, leaping high, flipping over the S.U.V.
He lands smoothly the other side, right BEHIND a thug who’s
looking in the other direction as he sneaks around the car.

Deadpool SHRUGS and SHOOTS him in the BACK of the HEAD at

POINT BLANK RANGE.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Six.

The shell tumbles to the ground, falls still. ‘00006’

Deadpool opens the Escalade. His target is NOT THERE.
BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG. Deadpool is nearly BROUGHT DOWN by
a particularly big thug with a particularly big AK-47.
He dives behind another Escalade, takes a moment to search
the interior through the windows and then flinches as AK- 47
bullets pass THROUGH the skin of the S.U.V. around him.

One of the bullets lands in DEADPOOL’S BICEP. Deadpool yelps,

in pain then stuffs some of his torn red suit fabric into the
hole to staunch the bleeding.
Then he scrambles AROUND the S.U.V., trying to close the
distance to this guy through a WITHERING BARRAGE of fire.
Another of the AK’s slugs SLICES a swath out of the mask on
Deadpool’s head, SINGING his hair.
DEADPOOL.
Fuck. You.

Deadpool lands in FRONT of the thug. The thug pulls his

trigger again, only to - CLICK - realize he’s OUT of BULLETS.
 14.

DEADPOOL
Someone’s not counting. Cinco.

The bullet HITS the thug in the throat. ‘00005’

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Me gusta cinco.

Deadpool STRIDES past the fallen thug, pawing at his singed

hair - ow - and then out of sheer, pumped-up ANGER turns and
PUMPS TWO MORE SUPERFLUOUS BULLETS into him.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Four. Three. Stupid. Worth it.

The SILVER-HELMETED MOTORCYCLE RIDER makes another pass,

FIRING. Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. again.
20 yards away, a GROUP of thugs TAKE COVER behind the final
S.U.V. One pulls out a HAND-GRENADE, RAISES HIS ARM to throw.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(chuckles)
Number two.

Deadpool FIRES, SHOOTING the GRENADE in the thug’s FIST.

BOOM! The whole CLUSTER of THUGS drops.

Deadpool emerges from behind the S.U.V., feeling victorious.

He approaches the final S.U.V. and throws open the doors to
search, expecting to find his target at last.
Inside is a rumpled orange prison coverall, but NOT the
PRISONER. Deadpool gets childishly angry.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
What the shit-biscuit! Where you
at, Francis?

Worse, CLICK-CLACK. The distinctive COCKING of SHOTGUNS.

 15.

3 final THUGS stand on the freeway, lined up perpendicular to

Deadpool, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER, FIRING BENELLI COMBAT
SHOTGUNS. BAM! BAM! BAM!
Deadpool ducks behind the S.U.V. and raises a PISTOL. We ZOOM
IN through the CHAMBER to spy the last BULLET, POISED in
front of the FIRING PIN:
‘00001’
Deadpool thinks, then LEAPS from behind the ‘SCLADE, TWISTS
forward and right.
All 3 THUGS FIRE again. BUCKSHOT rips into DEADPOOL’s BACK.
But he LANDS so that all 3 men are now parallel to him in A
SINGLE-FILE LINE.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
One.

BOOM! We’re with the FINAL BULLET as it HURTLES from the gun
and passes THROUGH the first man’s head then the SECOND man’s
head and SMACKS the third man in the forehead.
This third man, the BIGGEST THUG YET, HITS the DECK.
Deadpool puts his mouth to his pistol barrel, INHALES and
then EXHALES smoke through the pores of his mask.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I’m touching myself tonight.

But then, as if by magic, the third thug STIRS and STANDS.

The SLUG has LODGED partway in his FOREHEAD, having lost just
enough momentum that it didn’t make it all the way through.
The thug sneers, plucks out the slug, wipes away some blood,
and rolls up his SLEEVES.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

Deadpool reaches back. We hear the THRILLING SOUND of STEEL

BLADES being DRAWN. Out come Deadpool’s TRADEMARK KATANAS.
The thug’s eyes widen as SWOOSH.
 16.

The blades swing through the air and SKEWER him, between two
different ribs and out the BACK.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I know what you’re thinking--

The action SLOWS again to a FREEZE. Deadpool is in mid-

slice, muscles bulging.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I’ll bet he works out. So what if I
am pulling the double shift at the
ab- factory? What if I do want my
man menu to feature the shredded
beef? Call it insecurity. But I
haven’t touched a carb since...

13 INT. FOYER, TOWNHOUSE - NIGHT - PAST 13

Title: 6 Years Ago
A sleazy, mid-thirties MAN, GAVIN MERCHANT, decked out in
DRAGON PRINT V-NECK and STUDDED JEANS, is MID-ARGUMENT with a
late teen, pimply-faced PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, whose name-tag
reads: JEREMY.
MERCHANT
Will it help if I slow down? I
didn’t. Order. The pizza.

JEREMY
This 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
(off nod)
And you’re Mr. Merchant?

MERCHANT
The Mr. Merchant who didn’t. Order.
The. Fucking. Pie.

JEREMY
Then who placed the call?
 17.

A TOILET flushes in another room, and both men turn.

WADE (O.S.)
I did.

The VOICE comes from over Merchant’s shoulder. WADE WILSON

(the future DEADPOOL, MINUS the SCARS and SUIT), handsome,
boyish, cheerily steps from through a doorway and into the
living room wiping his hands on a towel.
Merchant STARES, incredulous.
WADE (CONT’D)
Pineapple and olive?

Jeremy NODS.
WADE (CONT’D)
Sweet and salty.

MERCHANT
The fuck are you? And what are you
doing in my crib?!

Without even turning toward Merchant, Wade PULLS OUT A .50

CALIBER DESERT EAGLE PISTOL and nonchalantly AIMS it at him.
Merchant and Jeremy both go pale.

WADE
(to Jeremy)
Burnt crust?

JEREMY
God I hope not.
(opens the box, winces)
Words cannot express-

WADE
Relax, son, that’s hows I likes it!
Once you go black, you never go
back!
(takes pizza)
 18.

MERCHANT
(stammering)
This is about the poker game,
right? I told Howie. Listen, take
whatever you want!

Merchant fumbles with his wallet and starts to hand Wade the
bills inside. Wade takes the ENTIRE WALLET instead.
WADE
Thanks!

JEREMY
(to Wade)
Uh. Sir? Before you do anything to
him. Could I have a big tip?

WADE
(already munching)
Jeremy, is it?

JEREMY
Yeah.

WADE
Wade Wilson.
(quick fist bump)
Jeremy, that’s a no go on the
tiperoo. I’m not here for him.
(levels gun at Jeremy)
I’m here for you.

Jeremy’s eyes widen. Wade holds up a YELLOW CARD, featuring

an embedded SIM. Below the logo of a CYPRESS TREE is the name
of Wade’s intended target: ‘GARRETT, JEREMY.’
Merchant breathes a sigh of relief.
MERCHANT
Dodged a big time bullet on that o-
 19.

Wade PISTOL-PUNCHES/POKES Merchant in the forehead. Merchant

howls.
WADE
(re: studded jeans)
Not out of the woods yet. You need
to seriously ease up on the
bedazzling. They’re jeans, not a
chandelier.
(sniffs)
And the Axe body spray.

JEREMY
(sheepish)
That’s unfortunately me.

WADE
PS, I’m keeping your wallet. Ya did
kinda give it to me.

MERCHANT
Can I at least have my Sam’s Club
card baaa-

Wade points the pistol at Merchant again, sending him

backpedaling into a chair.

WADE
I will shoot your fucking cat.

MERCHANT
I don’t have a cat!

WADE
Then whose kitty-litter did I just
shit in?
(turns to Jeremy)
Anyhoo, you by chance know a Meghan
Orlovsky? Getting that right?
Orlovsky? Orloskvy? Do you?
 20.

Jeremy manages a timid little NOD.

WADE (CONT’D)
Good. ‘Cause she knows you.

Wade holsters the pistol and WHIPS out a HUNTING KNIFE. He

twirls it adeptly, but instead of holding it to Jeremy’s neck
CUTS himself a SLICE of PIZZA.
WADE (CONT’D)
What situation isn’t improved by
pizza?

Wade shovels half the slice into his mouth, revealing an Army
SPECIAL FORCES TATTOO on his forearm: A SKULL WEARING A GREEN
BERET, BACKED BY A BLADE, AND THE WORDS ‘DE OPPRESSO LIBER’
(official motto of the U.S. Army Special Forces).
WADE (CONT’D)
(through chews)
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
who take a dime to beat a fella
down.
(cuts another pizza
slice)
Little Meghan’s not made of money,
but lucky her, I’ve got a soft
spot.

Wade brings the next pizza slice over to Merchant. Wade

nearly hands it to him but lets go too soon. The slice falls
flat - pineapple down - onto the floor at Merchant’s feet.
JEREMY
B-but I’m-

WADE
(returns to Jeremy)
A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer.
Though not nearly as bad as
serrated steel.
 21.

Wade pokes the end of his knife into Jeremy’s chest, pinning
him against the wall.
WADE (CONT’D)
So keep away from Meghan. We cool?

JEREMY
Y-yeah.

A beat. In a huge ANTI-CLIMAX, Wade deftly twirls his knife

AWAY from Jeremy’s chest, SPINS it on his finger, and JAMS it
back into its SLEEVE.

WADE
Then we’re done.

JEREMY
W-we are?

WADE
Soft spot, remember? But even look
in her general direction again?
You’ll learn in the worst of ways.
(pats Jeremy’s cheek)
I’ve got some hard spots too.
(pauses)
That came out wrong. Or did it?

14 EXT. SKATE PARK - NIGHT - PAST 14

SKATE PUNKS carve on ramps built into the sides of a highway
underpass. A group of TEEN GIRLS are perched at the bottom of
the nearby stairs, texting each other from inches away. An
old-fashioned GHETTO BLASTER bangs ‘SHOOP.’
SALT & PEPA I love you in your big jeans.
GIRLS
(join chorus)
You give me nice dreams. You make
me wanna scream.
 22.

Boom. A PIZZA BOX lands at their feet. On top of it lands a

POLAROID PICTURE.
WADE (O.S.)
"Oooo, oooo, oooo!"

A FRIZZY-HAIRED EMO GIRL picks up the Polaroid of a terrified

JEREMY holding another pizza box that has been cut into a
heart, the words ‘I’m Sorry’ scrawled onto it, a PEE- STAIN
on his JEANS, and a laughing WADE photo-bombing with the
knife to his neck. She looks UP to see:
Wade bobbing to the music.
WADE (CONT’D)
You’ve seen the last of Jeremy.

The girl - MEGHAN ORLOVSKY - leaps up and HUGS Wade tight.

WADE (CONT’D)
That’s why we do it.

GIRL #2
Hey, think you could fuck up my
step-dad?

GIRL #3
How ‘bout Vice Principal Renwiki?

WADE
(suddenly serious)
What’d he do to you?

GIRL #3
Suspended me for smoking.

WADE
(turns to go)
 23.

Good for him! Sorry, ladies. Me no

dig cigs. And I may look mean. But
if I give a guy a pavement facial?
He earned it.

Wade gives Meghan a smile, turns to leave.

MEGHAN
Hey. Thanks. You’re my hero.

The word catches Wade like a punch to the gut. Hero?

WADE
That I ain’t.

Wade doesn’t turn back, walking through the swooping skaters.

15 EXT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 15

A grimy SIGN on a grimier brick building reads: ‘SISTER
MARGARET’S SCHOOL FOR WAYWARD GIRLS.’

16 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 16

Inside, society’s DREGS. Chief among them, BOOTHE: a HUGE,

menacing hipster with a BOY SCOUT CAP and MASSIVE HANDLEBAR
MOUSTACHE. He’s got some DUDE’s fingers splayed out on the
bar, jabbing a KNIFE POINT between them as fast as he can.
WADE shimmies past, backslaps BOOTHE:
WADE
Boothe!

BOOTHE
(turns, smiles)
Heya, Wade!
 24.

We hear a STAB and a SCREAM.

Wade winces as he continues on to the BAR, claims a STOOL and
waves over the lone bartender - WEASEL, early 20’s, geeky,
glasses. Think Tom Cruise in ‘Cocktail.’ Then think the
opposite.
WEASEL
Wade Wilson, Patron Saint of the
Pitiful. What can I get you?
WADE
I’d love a blow-job.
WEASEL
We got that in common.

WADE
The drink, moose-knuckle. But
first--
Wade digs in a pocket, slaps the YELLOW ‘HIT’ CARD, the one
with the CYPRESS TREE, on the bar.
Weasel goes to the register. Scans the card. Peels off three
ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS. Lays them out like a bank teller.
Wade PUSHES the MONEY AWAY.
WADE (CONT’D)
I ain’t taking allowance money.
Make sure it gets back to Ms.
Osflorsky? Onroflensky? Olly-Olly-
Oxen-Free?

WEASEL
Orlofsky. For a merc, you sure are
warm- blooded. Bet you let the boy
off easy- peasy, too.

WADE
(embarrassed)
He’s not a bad kid, Weas. Just a
little light stalking. I was way
worse at his age- traveling to far-
off places - Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville -
(shudders)
- meeting new and exciting people -
 25.

And killing them. I’ve seen your

Instagram. What was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?

WADE
Classified.
(whispers)
They have a wonderful TGIFridays.
Those guys know their way around a
Loaded Potato Skin. The point is,
I’m trying to put those days in my
rear-view.

Weasel puts the finishing touches on the drink, pushes it

across the bar to Wade.
WEASEL
Kahlua, Bailey’s, whip cream.
Fellatio in a glass.

A burst of laughter turns Wade’s attention to BUCK, a BAD-ASS

in a snakeskin jacket, has a crowd gathered round him, mid-
story. He too is holding a YELLOW CARD with SIM and CYPRESS
TREE.
BUCK
So he’s staring at my Glock in his
mouth, like--
(mouth full)
‘I thought you guys had a code!’
And I’m like, ‘Yeah, no kids. No
women. Almost fooled by your tits.
But the moustache?!

The crowd CRACKS UP.

Wade pulls out Gavin Merchant’s wallet and teases out a
TWENTY. He grabs a passing waitress, tucks the bill in her
shirt pocket and sets the blowjob on her tray.
WADE
Kelly, you mind taking this over to
Buck? Tell him it’s from Boothe.
(whispers, to Weasel)
Little foreplay.
 26.

Weasel follows Wade’s gaze to the end of the bar, where a

chuckling BOOTHE wraps a bandage around the guy’s bloody
hand.
WEASEL
Remind me what good comes of this?

WADE
I don’t take the shits. I just
disturb them.

Weasel allows himself a tiny conspiratorial SMILE.

SMASH CUT TO:

17 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT 17

WADE, in medium shot, TEARING UP at the famous Steven Seagal
bar fight from ‘OUT FOR JUSTICE’ on T.V. as SMACK BAM a REAL
bar fight goes on - OUT OF FOCUS - behind him.
WADE
(trailer voice)
It's a dirty job, but someone's
gotta take out the garbage.

Wade finally turns around to watch. BUCK finishes off Boothe

then pours the BLOW-JOB on top of him.
WEASEL grabs a hand mirror, hops over the bar, and crosses to
Boothe. All the PATRONS fall HUSH as WEASEL holds the mirror
to Boothe’s mouth. Boothe’s BREATH FOGS it up.
WEASEL
Still kicking.

The place ‘oooooohs.’ Near miss. Weasel returns to his place

behind the bar, looking disappointed.
WADE
 27.

Lemme guess. Ya got Boothe in

Sister Margaret’s deadpool.

WEASEL
Um. See. About that-

WADE
You did not bet on me to die.
(looks up at board,
incredulous)
You bet on me to die.

Wade leans back and looks up at an ENORMOUS CHALKBOARD

hanging above the bar: ‘Sister Margaret’s DEADPOOL.’ Below, a
long LIST of NAMES. DOLLAR AMOUNTS to the right of the names.
More NAMES to the right of the dollars.
Indeed, ‘WEASEL’ has chosen ‘WADE.’ Wade looks betrayed.
WADE (CONT’D)
Weasel, you’re the world’s worst
friend. Joke’s on you. I’m living
to 102. Like those old Quaker
biddies on the Today Show. And
retiring on my winnings.

WEASEL
Wait, who did you pick?

Weasel looks up a the board, where ‘WADE’ has claimed:

‘BIEBER, J.’
WADE
The Biebs. But I’m probably wrong.
Nothing bad ever happens to teen
stars who make 80 mil a year and
think they’re immune to the
pitfalls of addiction and
consequence. He’ll be fine.
(raises shot, yells)
Drinks on me, soldiers of fortune!
 28.

MERCENARIES
Hooah!

VANESSA
Whoa, whoa.

Wade turns to see a woman on his other side: VANESSA.

Brunette. Silver-blue eyes. Tank. Tiny jean-shorts.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Sure you wanna shoot your whole
wad?

Wade looks Vanessa all the way up and down then holds up his
PINKIE.
WADE
Tight.

Vanessa raises her own pinkie. Shakes like a pinkie swear.

VANESSA
Vanessa.

WADE
What’s a nice place like you doing
in a girl like this?

BUCK (O.S.)
It ain’t what she’s doing, it’s
who.

BUCK walks past and SLAPS Vanessa on the caboose.

BUCK (CONT’D)
I’d hit that shit.

Wade pushes back his stool, stands menacingly.

 29.

WADE
Buck, you’d best apologize, before-

But Vanessa doesn’t wait for Wade’s chivalry. She blows right
by him and grabs a fistful of Buck’s crotch. Buck gasps.
WADE (CONT’D)
Yeah, that.

VANESSA
(to Buck)
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

BUCK
I’m sorry! I have no filter between
my brain and mouth. I’m working on
it.

Wade takes Vanessa’s shoulders.

WADE
OK, he apologized, hakuna his
tatas.

Vanessa lets Buck go, turns on Wade.

VANESSA
(let’s go)
And you-
(shakes Wade off)
Hands off the merchandise.

WADE
Merchandise? So, what, you, uh,
bump fuzzies for money?

VANESSA
Yup.
 30.

WADE
Rough childhood?

VANESSA
Rougher than yours. Daddy left
before I was born.

WADE
Daddy left before I was conceived.

VANESSA
Ever had a cigarette put out on
your skin?

WADE
I didn’t know there was any other
place to put one out.

VANESSA
I was molested.

WADE
Me too. Uncle.

VANESSA
Uncles. They took turns.

WADE
I watched my own birthday party
from the keyhole of a locked
closet, which was also my-

VANESSA
Bedroom? Lucky. I slept in a
dishwasher box.
 31.

WADE
So you had a dishwasher. I didn’t
know sleep. It was pretty much 24-7
of ball gags, brownie mix, and fun-
house mirrors.

VANESSA
Who would do such a thing?

WADE
Hopefully you. Later tonight.
(beat)
And my Uncle Kevin.

Wade EMPTIES the rest of Gavin’s wallet:

WADE (CONT’D)
What can I get for two-hundred-
seventy three bucks and a
Yogurtland rewards card?

Vanessa shoves the bills into her halter:

VANESSA
About forty-eight minutes of
whatever you want.
(peers at card)
And a low-fat dessert.

Wade grins at her like a kid on Christmas morning.

18 INT. ARCADE - NIGHT - PAST 18

A two-shot of WADE and VANESSA staring at each other, in
profile. Wade looks really excited.
WADE
Time to put balls in holes.
 32.

REVERSE ANGLE to reveal two SKEEBALL MACHINES in the ARCADE.

Wade inserts tokens, and balls CLUNK down.
Vanessa looks half amused, half weirded out.
WADE (CONT’D)
You said whatever I want.

VANESSA
I get it. You love skeeball.
Apparently more than you love
vagina.

WADE
Tough call. Just trying to get to
know the real you, not the
plunging- necklined, short-shorted,
two-dimensional sex object peddled
by Hollywood.

Wade slowly turns to CAMERA. REVERSE ANGLE TO his P.O.V.:

A ten-year-old BOY stops in his tracks, his gaze moving from
Vanessa’s plunging neckline to her short shorts.
BOY
Nice tits!

VANESSA
Thank you, son.
(tousles boy’s hair)
You know how to make a woman feel
special.

Vanessa reaches down, grabs two balls, hands one to Wade.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
Balls in holes.

WADE
 33.

Prepare to lose tragically.

VANESSA
Bring it, big man.

Wade smiles slyly, sizes up the ramp, rears back and

OVERHANDS the first ball, right into the 50,000 CUP.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Ruh-roh.

19 INT. ARCADE PRIZE COUNTER - LATER - PAST 19

A beaming WADE bellies up to the prize counter and lays a
massive armful of pink TICKETS on top.
WADE
The limited edition Voltron:
Defender of the Universe ring, por
favor.

TEEN
You’re roughly three hundred
thousand tickets short.
(beat)
It’s nickel-silver-plated.

WADE
(disappointed)
Then I guess the tire-grade rubber
Voltron keychain.

VANESSA places a measly TEN tickets of her own next to them.

VANESSA
And the, pencil eraser.

The weary TEEN behind the counter hands Wade the low-rent
VOLTRON KEYCHAIN, and Vanessa the eraser.
 34.

TEEN
(reads keychain package
copy, bows)
You are now the sworn protector of
the gentle people of the planet
Arus--
(re: eraser, positive
spin:)
And you-- you can-- erase stuff--
written in pencil.

Wade extends his arm chivalrously:

WADE
M’lady?

VANESSA
Unfortunately, my anus-loving
friend, your forty-eight minutes
are up.

Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 29. 15 CONTINUED: 15

WADE
Arus. And you’re more evil than
evil King Zarkon himself.

Wade rubs his keychain wistfully, then offers it up.

WADE (CONT’D)
How many more minutes for this?
(hard sell)
FYI. Five mini lion-bots come
together to make up the super-bot.

VANESSA
(faux-excited)
Five mini lion-bots?!
(matter-of-fact)
Three minutes.

WADE
 35.

(gives keychain up)

That’s all I’ll need!

ALT:
WADE
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes thirty seven seconds?

VANESSA
Cuddle?

Vanessa smiles and takes Wade’s arm. They walk out of the
ARCADE affectionately to the SOUNDS OF TIRELESS, ATHLETIC
SEX.

20 EXT/INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 20

VANESSA (O.S.)
How long can you keep this up?

DUCT TAPE fails to cover a big multi-fissured CRACK in the

WINDOW of Wade’s CRAPPY APARTMENT. Inside, WADE has VANESSA
up against the wall decorated with CHRISTMAS LIGHTS that have
overstayed their welcome and a CALENDAR. They are going at it
like RABBITS.
WADE
(raises eyebrow)
All year?

Dolly Parton’s ‘HERE YOU COME AGAIN’ kicks in, and we.
DISSOLVE INTO:

21 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - DAY 21

 36.

A MONTAGE of images: Fun, irreverent SEX around the CALENDAR

between WADE and VANESSA, identified by various holidays.
VALENTINE’S DAY SEX. WADE falls back onto a bed covered in
rose petals with VANESSA on top of him. She has drawn a heart
on his chest in red lipstick. They go at it hard then pause
for a romantic look and kiss.
VANESSA
Happy Valentine’s Day.

Then IMMEDIATELY go back to hard pounding.

CUT TO:

A medium shot of the top half of VANESSA. She is on hands and

knees, rocking back and forth. WADE leans into frame from
behind.
WADE
Happy Chinese New Year’s.

VANESSA
(smiles)
Year of the Dog.

They go at it even harder.

SMASH CUT TO:

The same exact locked-off medium shot, only WADE is now on

hands and knees. His expression betrays great stress. VANESSA
leans into frame from behind.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Relax. Happy International Women’s
Day.

Wade girds himself, then lets out a surprised, WHIMPERY YELP

as some pioneering object journeys into his virgin lands.
CUT TO:
WADE in bed, legs wrapped around VANESSA’s neck, being orally
pleasured.
 37.

WADE
Happy Fourth of July!

We see FIREWORKS through the skylight above.

CUT TO:
WADE sitting in an arm-chair, fully dressed, reading glasses
on, purusing a book. VANESSA is reading in a chair opposite,
also wearing reading glasses.
VANESSA
Happy Yom Kippur.
(ALT:)
Happy Cesar Chavez Day.
(ALT:)
Happy Lent.
(ALT:)
Happy Lyme Disease Awareness Day.
(ALT:)
Happy Wednesday.

CUT TO:
VANESSA in bed where Wade last was. Now her legs are wrapped
around HIS neck, and he’s pleasuring her.
WADE
(muffled)
Happy Halloween.

VANESSA
Oo-- ow--

WADE
(muffled)
Sorry.
(takes out Vampire teeth)
Happy Halloween.

Wade goes back to work.

CUT TO:
 38.

WADE and VANESSA banging it out one last time, missionary

style.
VANESSA
Happy Thanksgiving.
(ALT:)
Happy Wednesday.

Cut WIDE to reveal that they’re on top of the KITCHEN TABLE

during THANKSGIVING DINNER. Wine spills, cranberry sauce
topples, mashed potatoes launch. ALT: BREAKFAST FOOD INSTEAD.
Nothing takes away from the joy of the moment.

22 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - PAST 22

A CHRISTMAS WREATH hangs on Wade’s wall.
WADE (O.S.)
If your left leg is Thanksgiving,
and your right leg is Christmas.

WADE strikes a pose, HANDS on HIPS, wearing an AWFUL, AWFUL

CHRISTMAS SWEATER. And NO PANTS.
VANESSA sits against the bed’s HEADBOARD, SHEET pulled over
her, up to her chin. She quickly lowers the sheet. Revealing
an APPALLING CHRISTMAS SWEATER of her own.

WADE (CONT’D)
--can I visit you between the
holidays?

VANESSA
Y’know, red’s your color. Brings
out the bloodshot in your eyes.
Christmas gift! Catch!

Vanessa tosses something to Wade. It lands in his hands.

WADE
Holy fucking shit.
 39.

It’s the nickel-silver-plated Voltron RING, all three hundred

thousand tickets worth.
VANESSA
Limited edition. I had to give the
kid behind the counter a rub and
tug. I’m kidding. I’m not kidding.
I’m kidding. It was nearly five
full months of Skeeball.

WADE
(beams)
Y’know, I’ve been doing some
thinking--

VANESSA
Really.

WADE
--about why we’re so good together.

VANESSA
Why’s that?

WADE
Your crazy matches my crazy. We’re
like two jigsaw pieces, weird curvy
edges, but fit us together, you can
see the picture on top.

Wade plants a kiss on Vanessa. She sits up on her knees.

VANESSA
Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you,
only ‘cause you haven’t gotten
around to asking me-
(pregnant pause)
Wade, will you-
 40.

VANESSA (CONT'D)
Stick it in my-?

WADE
Marry me?

VANESSA
Uhh-- jinx?

Wade reaches back and pulls out an ENGAGEMENT-RING-LIKE BOX.

Vanessa can barely contain her excitement.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
You’re not wearing pants. Where
exactly were you hiding that?

A vulnerable Wade hands her the box and stands there with the
look of ‘Open it. Open it!’
WADE
They say one month’s salary.

Vanessa opens the box to reveal a CANDY RING.

WADE (CONT’D)
Slow month. I’ve been waiting for
this day like Boss Hogg waits to
get to the crazy cheesy crust.

VANESSA
You mean-?

WADE
I do.

VANESSA
That’s my line. I love you, Wade
Wilson.
 41.

WADE
Thought you charged extra for that.

VANESSA
I did. At my old job.

WADE
So that’s a-?

Vanessa stares. Swallows. Pulls him back into bed and

WHISPERS ONE SILENT WORD into his ear (’Yes’). Wade jumps up
and DANCES around the room all goofy, POP, LOCK, & ROBOT.
VANESSA
Easy. I can take it back.

Wade dives back into bed, SPOONS with Vanessa, wrapping her
in his ARMS, touching his cheek to hers.
WADE
What if I never let go?

VANESSA
Just rode a bitch’s back, like Yoda
on Luke?

WADE
(contented sigh)
‘Star Wars’ jokes?!

VANESSA
(corrects)
‘Empire.’

WADE
It’s like I made you in a computer.
 42.

Wade swoons, reaches, grabs a POLAROID CAMERA off his night-

stand, and holds it at arm’s length.
WADE (CONT’D)
(Yoda voice)
Cheese, say!

The flash POPS. For this one moment, his life is--
WADE (CONT’D)
Perfect.

Wade hands Vanessa the photo. Then--

WADE (CONT’D)
Wee break.

--bounces up to go to the BATHROOM. Vanessa gazes at the

photo, which is already FADING IN. Wade notices.
WADE (CONT’D)
Shake it like a- Uh. You get it.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Here’s the thing. Life is an
endless series of train-wrecks with
only brief, commercial-like breaks
of happiness. This had been the
ultimate commercial break. Which
meant it was time to return--

Wade peels off his Christmas sweater and STEPS CONFIDENTLY

BACK TOWARD THE BED. But before he gets there--
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
--to our regularly scheduled
program.

--HE PASSES OUT, FACE-PLANTING ONTO THE FLOOR.

 43.

23 INT. ONCOLOGY WARD - DAY - PAST 23

WADE is sitting in a doctor’s office, VANESSA by his side,
opposite a solemn ONCOLOGIST. Every image suggests BAD NEWS:
A COMPLEX looking MRI IMAGE of the CIRCULATORY SYSTEM on a
BACKLIT VIEWING TABLE. SWEAT STAINS under Wade’s arms.
Vanessa GRIPPING his hand. The LOOK on the DOCTOR’s FACE.
WADE
You’re clowning. You’re not
clowning? I sense clowns.

DOCTOR
People react to news of late-stage
cancer differently.

Wade and Vanessa turn and share a devastated but loving look.
VANESSA
(to doctor, springs into
action)
So what do we do? Surely there’s
something-- we can-- do. I mean, my
uncle, he was diagnosed with
thyroid cancer, and there was this
new experimental drug that-

The VOLUME of Vanessa’s voice FADES until we can SEE her

talking but no longer hear the words:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, people do react differently.
Vanessa’s already working on Plan
A. B. All the way to Z. Me? I’m
memorizing the details of her face.
Like it’s the first time I’m seeing
it. Or the last.

DOCTOR (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson?
 44.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Believe it or not, this is only the
ninth shittiest thing that's ever
happened to me.

DOCTOR (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson?

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Stick around. Number 6 is coming
right up.

DOCTOR
Take your time to process this.

24 EXT. FREEWAY - DAY 24

DEADPOOL HAS AJAX PINNED TO THE FREEWAY RAIL.
DEADPOOL
You know how many people I’ve
killed to find you?

AJAX
Actually, I do.

DEADPOOL
So you’re aware I’ve been waiting a
long, long time for this. And now
I’m finally gonna.
(ALT:)
So you’re aware of the category 5
fuck-storm that’s coming.
(ALT:)
Then you know what’s coming. I’m
about to do to you what Sugar Ray
did to the mid-nineties.
 45.

A massive SHADOW passes over AJAX and DEADPOOL, accompanied

by LOUD METALLIC FOOTSTEPS. Ajax looks up, a bit awed.
Deadpool senses something, reaches back with one hand, feels
what turns out to be Colossus’s METALLIC CROTCH.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Dad?

COLOSSUS GRABS Deadpool’s WRIST, CHUCKS him THROUGH the AIR,

ASS OVER TEAKETTLE.

25 INT. WADE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT - LATER - PAST 25

A CLOSE-UP of a Deadpool ACTION FIGURE from ‘X-Men Origins.’
Mouth sewn shut. Blades implanted into wrists.
In the exact same POSE we just saw the real Deadpool. Sitting
in a nightstand DRAWER in Wade’s apartment.
WADE (O.S.)
This is my most prized possession.

Wade looks like he’s reaching into the drawer for the action
figure, but instead, reaches just UNDER it to grasp Wham!’s
‘Make it Big’ album on Vinyl. He pulls out the album.
VANESSA
Wham?

WADE
Wham!
(cradles album lovingly)
‘Make it Big’ was the album George
and Andy earned their exclamation
point.

Wade places the album carefully into one of two OPEN

SUITCASES on the floor next to him. He is currently going
through his possessions, TOSSING OUT the crap and placing the
good stuff into the suitcases.
Wade pulls out the action figure.
 46.

WADE (CONT’D)
But this. A little piece of me died
the day this came out.

Wade DUNKS the action figure in the trash can. VANESSA stands
opposite, arms crossed, FUMING.
VANESSA
So I’m s’posed to just smile and
wave you out the door?

WADE
Think of it as a spring cleaning.
Only if spring was death.
(pulls out BERNADETTE
PETERS CHANGE PURSE)
If I had a nickel for every time I
spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
(opens purse, it’s full
of nickels)
Looks like I do.

Wade TOSSES the purse toward one of the suitcases. Vanessa’s

hand stabs out and GRABS it.
VANESSA
Bernadette’s not going anywhere.
(slam-dunks purse back
into drawer)
‘Cause you’re not going anywhere.

WADE
Right! The tumors are only in my
liver, lungs, prostate, and brain.
All the things you can live
without.

VANESSA
You know what I mean. You belong
here at home. Surrounded by your
Voltron and your Bernadette and
your me.
 47.

WADE
Babe, we’ve been through this!
Cancer’s a real shit-show. A Yakov-
Smirnoff- opening-for-the-Spin-
Doctors-at-the-Iowa- State-Fair
shit-show. And under no
circumstances will I take you to
that show. I want you to remember
me me.

VANESSA
Well, I want to remember us us.
(that doesn’t sound
right)
We we?

WADE
I swear, I’ll find you in the next
life. And boombox ‘Careless
Whisper’ under your window. Wham!

VANESSA
Are you gonna keep saying it like
that? Look, I get this impulse. I
do. Before I met you, I used to
fantasize about dying alone in the
woods, torn apart by wolves.

WADE
Super fucking bad-ass.

VANESSA
But that was then, and this is now.
Walk out that door. I dare you. I
will ride you out. And I won’t let
go. Yoda on Luke.

Vanessa embraces Wade. Tight. Won’t let go. A TEAR trickles

down Vanessa’s CHEEK.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
(into Wade’s ear)
 48.

If you’re willing to fight. There

are still options. We’ll find them.
Together.

WADE
(smiles)
I just realized! I win! My life’s
officially more fucked-up than
yours.

VANESSA
No one’s boom-boxing shit.

Vanessa interlaces her pinkie with Wade’s. Smiles.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
What do we we have to lose?

WADE
Nothing. Everything.

Vanessa leans in, and the two start to KISS.

26 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - PAST 26

VANESSA, horizontal, limbs akimbo, ASLEEP in bed. She stirs,
feels next to her for Wade. He’s NOT THERE.
REVEAL WADE standing at the bedroom window. His P.O.V. of the
moon makes it look FRACTURED by the cracked glass.
RACK FOCUS to Vanessa’s REFLECTION. She, too, looks
fractured. Wade’s eyes well with TEARS at the sight of her.
Cancer will steal the one thing that ever mattered.
Vanessa’s cracked reflection suddenly RAISES its HEAD.
WADE
Sorry. Liam Neeson nightmare. I
kidnapped his daughter, and he just
wasn’t having it.
 49.

Wade slides back into bed.

WADE (CONT’D)
They’ve made three of those movies.
At some point you wonder if he’s
just a bad parent.

Wade lies on his back. Vanessa nestles her head lovingly

against his chest. He takes a vulnerable look at her, then
stares at the ceiling, LOST.

27 INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT 27

Wade slips quietly out of bed--
--slips on a hoodie and a backpack--
--opens the door- takes one last longing look at Vanessa--
--and slips into the hallway, closing the door behind him.
Vanessa is left to feel for Wade in the dark.

28 EXT. STREET - NIGHT 28

WADE walks down the street into the night.

He pulls a crumpled card from his jacket pocket: the black

card with the recruiter’s number.
Still walking, Wade pulls out a cell phone and dials.

29 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 29

Just another night at SISTER MARGARET’S WAYWARD SCHOOL FOR
GIRLS. Regular crowd has shuffled in. Tonight, a bit thin.
WADE is bellied up to the bar, disheveled, unkempt, and
distraught. WEASEL leans in:
WEASEL
 50.

Jesus. Someone needs a blow-job and

a shower. Though courtesy calls for
the latter first.

WADE
Three shots of Patron Silver, Weez.
And a cure to terminal cancer.

WEASEL
(hands over a green
concoction)
Fresh out of Patron. Wheatgrass?

WADE
You’re starting to sound like
Vanessa--

With SHAKY HANDS, Wade empties his POCKETS, placing CRUMPLED

BROCHURES on the bar.
WADE (CONT’D)
She sent away for all these
colorful clinic brochures. I hear
Chechnya’s nice this time of--
never. Then there’s China-- Central
Mexico. Know how they say ‘Cancer’
in Spanish? ¡El Cáncer.’

Wade pulls out one last thing from his pockets: A POLAROID of
HIMSELF and VANESSA. He stares. Weasel notices.
WEASEL
This belongs on the wall. I want to
remember you when you looked alive.

Wade scrapes up a smile as Weasel tapes the picture to the

BIG BAR MIRROR. Weasel pours a second wheatgrass shot. Clinks
Wade’s glass. They throw them back. WINCE.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
Almost forgot--
 51.

Weasel slides Wade a distinctive black BUSINESS CARD across

the bartop.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
Guy came in asking for you. Real
Grim Reaper type.

Wade’s gaze follows Weasel’s gesture across the barroom,

where an ominous MAN in a BLACK SUIT sits ALONE at a table.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
I don’t know? May further the plot?

CUT TO:

30 INT. SISTER’S MARGARET’S - NIGHT - PAST 30

WADE dead-man-walks to the back of the bar. He passes BOOTHE
and BEEF on his way. They nod solemnly, like cops at a
funeral procession honoring one of their own.
BEEF
Wade.

Beef offers Wade his shot. Wade eeks out a smile. Throws it
back. Then continues on. Wade stops next to the MAN’s TABLE.
WADE
Forget your scythe?

The man, even creepier from close up, SMILES.

RECRUITER
Mr. Wilson. Have a seat.
(Wade sits, long pause)
I understand you’ve recently been
diagnosed with terminal cancer.

WADE
 52.

Stalker alert.

RECRUITER
It’s my job. Recruitment. And you
have quite a reputation. I’m sorry
you’ve had a tough go. But you’re a
fighter. And not just for Johnny
Canuck, impressive as your stint in
special forces was. Forty-one
confirmed kills?

WADE
(bitter)
One every seven weeks. Same rate
most folks get a haircut.

Wade grabs the recruiter’s drink and throws it back.

WADE (CONT’D)
To wash the taste out. It’s hard to
forget being so impressive.

RECRUITER
Now you spend your days sticking up
for the little man, slitting small
time throats for small time folks.

WADE
People change.

The recruiter leans uncomfortably close.

RECRUITER
(low, conspiratorial)
Speaking of which Mr. Wilson, I
represent an organization that may
be able to help. What if I told you
we can cure your cancer? And what’s
more, give you abilities most men
only dream of?
 53.

WADE
I’d say you sound like an
infomercial. And not a good
infomercial, like Slap Chop. More
Shake-Weighty.
(jack-off motion)

RECRUITER
The world needs extraordinary men.
We won’t just make you better.
We’ll make you better than better.
A super-hero.

WADE
I already tried the hero business.
Let’s just say it left a mark. The
only chance you’ll see me again is
if I hit ‘fuck- it.’

31 EXT/INT. GUADALAJARAN CLINIC WAITING ROOM - DAY - PAST 31

A DILAPIDATED, SKETCHY MEDICAL ‘CLINIC’ haunts the cityscape
in GUADALAJARA, MEXICO.
WADE (V.O.)
For now, I’ll get through this with
the one I love.

A sickly-looking WADE is on the final stop in his futile

quest to find a cure. DESPERATE. Among the MOST DESPERATE.
He sits in a pathetic muzak-filled WAITING ROOM. Wearing a
SOMBRERO and clutching VANESSA’s hand. Her fingers are
interlaced in his, once perfectly manicured nails chewed to
the quick.
Vanessa is also wearing a SOMBRERO, and ANXIETY on her face.
Wade COUGHS SEVERELY, REPEATEDLY into a HANDKERCHIEF.
Wade turns to the sweet ELDERLY COUPLE sitting next to him,
ekes out a smile. The old man plays with some WORRY BEADS.
Deadpool Final Shooting Script 11/16/15 44. 24 CONTINUED: 24
 54.

WADE
(pulls out Spanish-
English electronic
translator)
De donde eres?

ELDERLY WOMAN
Boca Raton.

WADE
Ah. The fancy part of Mexico.

ELDERLY MAN
We’ve moved in with my son. To
afford the treatment.

Wade looks pained to hear this.

WADE
Cancer? Sorry - ¿El Cáncer?

ELDERLY MAN
Stage four.

WADE
Toughest part of the Tour de
France.

VANESSA
Very hilly.

The elderly man gestures to the souvenir PATCHES sewn onto

Wade’s ‘HELLO KITTY’ DUFFEL: CHECHNYA. CHINA. INDONESIA.
ELDERLY MAN
Logging some frequent flier miles?
 55.

WADE
(bone-weary)
Final stop on Desperation World
Tour, 2016, which I believe was
also the name of the Stones’ last
concert.

VANESSA
‘Final’ because this is where we
find the cure.

A MOTHER and her stoic young SON sign in with the NURSE
behind the front desk. The boy has lost all his HAIR.
NURSE
No cheques de viajero. No pesos.
Cash. Americano.

Wade grows upset as the mother counts out hard-earned CASH.

The boy reaches for a BOX filled with CHUPA CHUPS
(lollipops). The nurse scolds:
NURSE (CONT’D)
Chupa Chups cuestan extra!

WADE (O.S.)
(angry)
Hey!

The nurse looks coldly at Wade. He stares back, eyes hard,

then gets up and lays a crumpled dollar on the counter.
WADE (CONT’D)
(ice cold)
It’s on me.

The nurse blinks, then stands, checking a CHART.

NURSE
Señor. Abe Solomon?
 56.

ABE and his WIFE get up. The nurse motions for Mrs. Solomon
to stay in the waiting room.
ABE
(to Wade and Vanessa)
Handsome couple. Good luck to you
two.

Abe drops his WORRY BEADS. Wade bends to retrieve them, then
stands with effort and gently hands them to Abe.
WADE
Good luck to you, Pops.

Wade sits back down, and his eyes find the LITTLE BOY: his
SUNKEN EYES. His MISSING HAIR. His LOLLIPOP, CLUTCHED like
the richest treasure.
Wade turns to look at Vanessa, who’s also staring at the boy.
Even though Vanessa is healthy, she, too, looks sick. No
makeup. Dirty hair. Dark circles under her eyes. When she
looks at Wade, it’s clear she, not he, most needs comfort.
Wade pulls Vanessa close and strokes her hair with a
trembling hand. Abe disappears. Wade watches with a newly
dark look of suspicion.

32 INT. OPERATING ROOM - DAY - PAST 32

ABE lies shirtless on an UNSANITARY operating table, a tray

of RUSTY surgical KNIVES nearby.
A MAN with a pock-marked face stands over him in a white lab
coat with blue-stitched cursive writing: ‘Dr. Delgado.’
DOCTOR
Buenos días, Señor Abe.

‘Doctor’ Delgado pokes and prods with his fingers, as if

Abe’s mid-section is Play-Doh.
DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Voy a llegar dentro de tu cuerpo.
 57.

ABE
I’m sorry. No hablo español, doc.

The doctor’s other hand dips below the table, comes up

dripping with something bloody. He kneeds at wrinkled skin
smearing the CHICKEN BLOOD across Abe’s flesh.
DOCTOR
De que se cure! Señor Abe, you are
cured.

The doctor holds SMELLING SALTS under Abe’s nose. His closed
eyes jerk open to see the doctor’s gloved hand CLUTCHING a
huge, bloody ‘TUMOR.’
Abe pushes himself up, peers down at his bloody abdomen with
awe. The doctor wipes the blood away and helps him up.
ABE
(tearing up)
Thank you. I owe you my life.

As Abe shuffles out, the doctor turns away to dump the

‘tumor’ in the trash and wash his bloody hands in a basin.
DOCTOR
(over his shoulder)
¡Proximo! Next!

WADE (O.S.)
Already here, hombre.

Dr. Delgado nearly JUMPS at the sight of WADE, already

standing in the OPEN DOOR of the room, looking DANGEROUS.
DOCTOR
So sorry, you surprise me. How long
you standing there, Señor?
 58.

Wade walks slowly TOWARD the doctor, who steps out nervously
from BEHIND his table. The two stand face-to-face. Wade
smiles, angles his foot UNDER the OPERATING TABLE and uses it
to SLIDE something out from underneath the table: a BUCKET of
BLOODY CHICKEN GIZZARDS that double as removed ‘tumors.’
Wade’s RAGE seems to grow by the INSTANT.
WADE
Long enough.

Delgado senses he is suddenly in danger, picks up a rusty

SCALPEL from his tray. Wade moves toward him. Delgado LUNGES,
He STABS WADE in the shoulder, then RUNS.
Wade TACKLES him. In Wade’s weakened state, the fight becomes
an intense STRUGGLE. The two FALL and WRESTLE. The BUCKET of
GIZZARDS overturns. They roll around in slop.
The doctor squirms out of Wade’s grasp and crawls into the
hallway. Wade wriggles after him, tugging at his ankle.

33 INT. WAITING ROOM - HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 33

The MUZAC still plays. VANESSA smiles warmly/sadly at the
little BOY, who is unwrapping his CHUPACHUP.
Suddenly a SCREAM and cries for help in Spanish. The NURSE
and an ALARMED VANESSA rush toward the shouting.

34 INT. HALLWAY - SUNSET - PAST 34

At last, WADE’s fury has overcome his physical weakness. He
straddles the DOCTOR’s CHEST. His expression is that of a man
who’s LOSING his SHIT.
Wade RAISES THE SCALPEL, SLASHES at the doctor’s throat, then
STABS him in the heart. The doctor writhes, spasms, gurgles,
and falls still.
Chest heaving, Wade raises his head to see at the FAR END of
the HALL:
VANESSA - frozen, TERRIFIED. A blood-soaked Wade locks eyes
with her and swims back up into SANITY. ‘What have I done?’
This is a horrific glimpse into Wade’s murderous past and the
look on Vanessa’s face is one of HORROR and PAIN.
 59.

Awash in shame, Wade staggers to his feet, slips on chicken

blood, and LUNGES in the other direction. He hits the door at
the end of the hall at a RUN.
STAB.
The sword, covered in BLOOD, penetrates the crayon drawing of
the recruiter on DEADPOOL’s CORKBOARD.
DEADPOOL
Thank you, Agent Smith.

Deadpool lasers in on AJAX’s picture at the top of the

pyramid.

35 EXT. GUADALAJARA STREET - SUNSET - PAST 35

WADE leans against a wall, gasping for breath. He looks back
toward her voice, face a mask of pain. Instead of seeking
her, he melts into the busy street.

36 EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY 36

DEADPOOL trudges to his FRONT DOOR. He speaks to the
AUDIENCE:
DEADPOOL
Some kind of anger can’t be
managed. Like the kind where your
year-long plan ends with the wrong
guy getting dismembered! That said-
- when it comes time to licking
wounds, there’s no place like home,
and I share that home with someone
you met, the old blind lady from
the laundromat, Al. She’s like
Robin to my Batman. Except she’s
old. And black. And blind.

POPS INSIDE
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
 60.

And I think she loves me. Wait,

pretty sure Robin loves Batman,
too.

37 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 37

WADE, ghastly, nearing death, lies BACK onto a STRETCHER,
covered only by a FLIMSY HOSPITAL GOWN. He’s being wheeled
down a dim corridor by two tough-looking ORDERLIES.
In one hand, he holds the recruiter’s crumpled BUSINESS CARD.
In the other, he clutches the limited edition VOLTRON RING,
as tight as his shaky hand allows.

They turn a corner and push through a pair of double doors

into a cavernous room. Wade looks around, full of hope for a
new life. Immediately, every single thing he sees/hears
begins to erode his confidence. The RECRUITER stands just
inside the doors, smiling.
RECRUITER (O.S.)
Mr. Wilson! Nothing warms my heart
like a change of someone else’s.

Walking into Wade’s P.O.V. is the creepy RECRUITER. He beams

down on Wade.
RECRUITER (CONT’D)
You finally hit ‘fuck-it.’

WADE
Worse. Just promise you’ll do right
by me. So I can do right by someone
else.

RECRUITER
Of course.

WADE
Oh, and please don't make my super
suit green. Or animated.
 61.

RECRUITER
I hope you enjoy your stay.

The ‘Workshop,’ as this old warehouse is affectionately

called, has been converted into a working LABORATORY.
Wade is wheeled through a vast room containing rows of
individual ‘tents,’ each containing a SUBJECT. Wade’s eyes
DART to helpless SILHOUETTES.
We hear WHISPERS, WHIMPERS, MOANS.
A FELLOW PATIENT, a pathetic, terrified little man named
CUNNINGHAM, is wheeled past Wade, restrained on another
STRETCHER. Cunningham briefly locks eyes with Wade, but
quickly moves on by.
Wade can’t help but be alarmed by the TERROR in Cunningham’s
eyes.
The tents are illuminated by BLINDING overhead lights. Wade
spies GRUESOMELY INTIMIDATING MEDICAL EQUIPMENT.
Wade is wheeled into the tent that’s his new home. The FIGURE
who was pushing Wade DUMPS him onto a CHROME OPERATING TABLE
and roughly STRAPS him down.
WADE
Um. My first request? A warmer
table.
(shivers)
And warmer hands.

Wade DOUBLE-TAKES at the sight of the figure above him: ANGEL

DUST - thirties, female, tall, sexy, athletic - an Amazonian
warrior in another age.
Angel Dust wheels over a high-tech I.V. DRIP, complete with
glass cylindrical tanks housing a glowing, viscous LIQUID.
Then she roughly straps Wade’s NECK to the table. Wade nearly
GASPS, the color now officially drained from his face.
WADE (CONT’D)
Easy! Aren’t you a little strong
for a lady? I’m calling wang.

ANGEL DUST
 62.

You’d like that, huh. Welcome to

our little hospital.

WADE
It doesn’t look like a hospital. It
looks like Chlamydia holding still.

An UNLIT MATCHSTICK protrudes from Angel Dust’s teeth - her

idea of a TOOTHPICK.
WADE (CONT’D)
Oral fixation?

ANGEL DUST
Shut. The fuck. Up.

Angel Dust places a FINGER on Wade’s FOREHEAD and SHOVES his

head back against the table - BANG - pinning it there.
AJAX (O.S.)
Patience, Angel. All in good time.

Enter AJAX, whom we know as the PRISONER from the RAFT with
whom we’ve seen Deadpool tangle in the PRESENT. This is the
first Ajax and Wade have met.

WADE
Can I expect turndown serv-?

Ajax nods to Angel Dust. BOOM! She GAGS Wade with SURGICAL
TUBING, then wraps it around the TABLE, immobilizing his
head.
AJAX
You’re a talker.

Wade’s eyes are wider than ever. WTF?

AJAX (CONT’D)
 63.

(disarmingly matter-of-
fact)
Mr. Wilson, my name is Ajax. I
manage the Workshop. My ‘welcome’
speech used to be full of
euphemisms like ‘You may feel some
discomfort.’ But I’ve grown blunt.

Ajax unsheathes an I.V. NEEDLE. Angel Dust up-tilts the table

45 degrees, then readies a holographic monitor.
AJAX (CONT’D)
The Workshop is not a government
program. It’s a private institution
tasked with turning reclamation
projects like yourself into men of
extraordinary abilities. I’m about
to remake your life. But if you
think cancer cures painlessly,
you’re wrong. If you think super-
human powers are acquired
painlessly, you’re wrong.

Ajax touches Wade with the I.V. NEEDLE, pressing here and
there, not QUITE hard enough to break skin. At last, he
locates the subclavian vein. Wade flinches.
AJAX (CONT’D)
We’re injecting you with a serum
that activates mutant genes. For it
to work, we need to subject you to
extreme stress.

The liquid glows FLUORESCENT through Wade’s white skin as it

pumps into the pulmonary highway.
AJAX (CONT’D)
You’ve heard the whole make-an-
omelette, break-some-eggs bit?
(Wade blinks)
I’m about to hurt you, Wade. The
kind of hurt I can’t describe and
you can’t prepare for. It’s cruel
stuff. And there’s no way out for
you. No secret you can tell me. No
soft spot in me to appeal to.
 64.

Wade stares at them in shock.

ANGEL DUST
What, you expected Weapon X?

Ajax starts to TURN AWAY, but stops.

AJAX
One more thing. What’s the ad? ‘I’m
not just the president. I’m a
client?’ I’ve been through this
procedure myself. It made me
stronger. It also scorched my nerve
endings. So I no longer feel pain.
In fact--
(smiles)
I no longer feel anything.

Wade reacts by SAYING something - made UNINTELLIGIBLE by the

surgical tubing. Ajax nods to Angel Dust, who slices the
SURGICAL TUBING, SNAPPING it away and FREEING Wade to TALK.
WADE
Something in your teeth.

Ajax smiles WITHOUT opening his mouth, signals Angel Dust.

She slams Wade’s head back again as he turns to leave.
Before he exits, Ajax hesitates, can’t help but check his
teeth in one of the surgical mirrors.

WADE (O.S.) (CONT’D)

Made you look! Hey, is Ajax your
real name? ‘Cause it sounds
suspiciously made up. What’s it
really? Steve? Mark? Trevor? Kyle?
(E.T. voice)
Elliot?

We hear LAUGHS from nearby tents. Wade is now playing for an

audience.
AJAX
Joke away. The one thing that never
survives this place is a sense of
humor.
 65.

WADE
We’ll see!

AJAX
(to Angel Dust)
All yours.

We re-take WADE’S P.O.V. as Angel Dust, chewing her

matchstick, re-enters frame above him, smiles, then punches
him in the face. Black.

38 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - DAY - MONTAGE - PAST 38

A MONTAGE of Wade’s treatments in the Workshop, set to the
notes of JOHN DENVER’s inspirational classic, ‘I WANT TO
LIVE.’ Juxtaposed with HARROWING VIGNETTES of Angel Dust and
AJAX experimenting on WADE as he GASPS, CLAWS, SCREAMS BLOODY
MURDER.
Wade is DUNKED into thick, molasses-like LIQUID. PULLED and
YANKED, POKED and PRODDED by contraptions that would have
shamed the Spanish Inquisition.
SAWED. COMPRESSED. SLICED. DICED. SLAP-CHOPPED. BLED.
LONG SYRINGES PLUNGE DEEP INTO SOFT TISSUE.

SCALPELS MAKE LONG INCISIONS.

ENDOSCOPIC CAMERAS TRAVEL THROUGH THE BODY, REVEALING THE
DIRTY WORK OF INVASIVE SURGICAL EQUIPMENT.
STAPLE-GUNS DRIVE STAPLES INTO SLICED SKIN TO PULL IT BACK
TOGETHER.
MINIATURE CIRCULAR SAWS SLICE THROUGH BONE.
IV’s PULL FLUIDS FROM THE BODY AND INSERT OTHER FLUIDS IN.
JOHN DENVER
I want to share what I can give. I
want to be. I want to live!
 66.

We also see SHORT, ULTRA-FAST MINI-MONTAGES of medical

instruments, implying the PASSAGE of TIME.

39 INT. WORKSHOP - MONTAGE - NIGHT 39

Over images of:
INJECTION:
AJAX (V.O.)
The serum I’m injecting you with
targets any mutant genes lurking in
your DNA.

TORTURE:
AJAX (V.O.)
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for
the serum, so we must subject you
to extreme stress.

AJAX (V.O.)
If you’re lucky, the mutant genes
will activate and manifest in
spectacular fashion.

AJAX (V.O.)
If not, we’ll have no choice but to
keep hurting you in new and
different ways. Each more painful
than the last.

40 INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 40

AJAX
Until you finally mutate. Or die.

41 INT. WORKSHOP - WADE’S TENT - WORM’S TENT - NIGHT 41

 67.

At last, Wade is laid back down on his table, only now in

QUIET DARKNESS, MEEK, WITHOUT ANY RESISTANCE whatever.
CUNNINGHAM (O.S.)
Puppies.

In the tent NEXT to Wade, CUNNINGHAM holds up his FIST to the

fabric. Wade can see it through the cloth in SILHOUETTE.
CUNNINGHAM (CONT’D)
It helps picturing puppies.

Wade gives Cunningham a KNUCKLE BUMP through the fabric.

WADE
Puppies.

CUNNINGHAM
Or kittens. If you swing that way.

WADE
(chuckles)
I swing both ways.

Wade swallows hard, grows serious:

WADE (CONT’D)
But me, I’ve been making a list of
things I still plan to do.

CUNNINGHAM
A bucket list?

WADE
I prefer fuck-it list: Naked tandem
base- jumping with the WNBA’s
Sacramento Monarchs. Sparking up a
spliff with the Olympic torch.
 68.

CUNNINGHAM
Finishing my Lego Millenium Falcon.

WADE
Giving Meredith Baxter Birney a
dutch oven.

CUNNINGHAM
Making my kids banana pancakes.

AJAX (O.S.)
With the mouse ears? Creative, and
delicious.

AJAX and ANGEL DUST enter CUNNINGHAM’s tent and begin

prepping him for a fresh round of torture.
AJAX (CONT’D)
It’s OK, I encourage distractions.
Can’t have you giving up on us, can
we now, you little worm?

Suddenly, a VOICE calls out from the adjacent tent:

WADE (O.S.)
Don’t take that shit, Cunningham!
How tough can he be? Name like
Francis.

Ajax is very subtly SURPRISED. WHAT did Wade just say? WADE
is still strapped down inside. Talking nice and LOUD:
WADE (CONT’D)
That’s right! He got ‘Ajax’ off a
dishwashing liquid!
(laughs from nearby
tents)
Legal name’s Francis. F-R-A-N-C-I-
oops.
 69.

Ajax has ENTERED Wade’s tent. Ajax’s expression tells us all

we need to know about the validity of Wade’s claim.
With as much freedom of motion as he has in one hand, Wade
WAVES a STUB of PAPER at Francis.
WADE (CONT’D)
Dry-cleaning tag, Francis. Snagged
it off your lab coat.
(beat)
FYI. I may be able to get you the
super-hero discount.

CLOSE-UP on the tag, which reads ‘FREEMAN, FRANCIS.’

Ajax stares hard at Wade with menacing eyes.

AJAX
You are so relentlessly annoying.
Shut the fuck up, or I’ll sew that
pretty mouth shut.

WADE
Uh, I wouldn’t do that. Here’s the
problem with round-the-clock
torture. You can’t really step it
up from there.

AJAX
Is that what you think?

WADE
Yeah. Francis. That’s what I think.

42 EXT/INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS 42

43 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 43

Two ORDERLIES and ANGEL DUST finish strapping Wade down and
attaching ELECTRODES to his head and chest. Wade is BOUND to
a HOSPITAL BED that’s ENCASED in a large CAPSULE of
PLEXIGLAS.
 70.

The top half of the capsule is hinged to one side, OPEN,

allowing Angel Dust access to Wade.
Ajax sits eating a meal from some Tupperware in a nearby
chair.
AJAX
Seems your genes are as stubborn as
you. But we can still increase your
suffering. We don’t even have a
name for this next toy.

Various WIRES and TUBES run out of the capsule, connected to

OXYGEN TANKS, DIALS, and a MONITOR tracking BRAIN and HEART.

AJAX (CONT’D)
We reduce the oxygen in the air to
the exact point you feel like
you’re suffocating. If you start to
pass out, and your brain waves
slow, we turn up the O2. If you
catch your breath, and your heart
rate slows, we turn it back down.
And we leave you. Right. There.

WADE
Um. What?

AJAX
Waterboarding is the most severe
stress known to man. This device
prolongs that stress. For hours,
days, weeks.

Angel Dust chews her match and TAPS the capsule with a
FINGER.
ANGEL DUST
Or if you keep yapping, years.

WADE
And I thought you were dicks before
this.
 71.

AJAX
The saddest part? You still think
we’re making you a superhero. You.
Dishonorable discharge. Beating up
pizza guys. Hip deep in hookers.
You’re nothing. I’d call you an
asshole, but I’d have to answer to
assholes. Little secret, Wade. The
Workshop doesn’t make super-heroes.
It makes super-slaves. We’re gonna
fit you for a control collar and
auction you to the highest bidder.
(finishes meal, gets up)
Who knows what they’ll force you to
do. Put down freedom fighters.
Murder innocents. Or maybe just mow
a lawn or two.

ANGEL DUST
There’s a brave face.

Ajax goes to close the lid.

WADE
Seriously. Now you do have
something in your teeth.

AJAX
Enjoy the weekend!

Ajax swings the capsule CLOSED and LOCKS it. The sound leaks
away until all that’s left is a HISSING SOUND as AJAX hits
BUTTONS to lower O2 LEVELS.
Wade’s voice drops out as his breathing suddenly grows SHORT
and SHALLOW. The oxygen dials fall. His HEART-RATE SOARS.
ANGEL DUST
(chuckles)
He looks like a turd in a punch-
bowl.
 72.

AJAX
(bright idea)
The ‘Punch-Bowl!’

Wade fights off panic. His breaths become desperate GASPS.

There’s not enough air to talk, or even SCREAM.
DISSOLVE TO:

44 INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER 44

Night. Eerily DARK, SILENT.

An extreme CLOSE-UP of Wade’s hand, nails clenched into the

surface of whatever he’s lying on. Is his skin actually
BUBBLING?
Two MEN enter the tent and stand over the PUNCH-BOWL.
CLICK. One of the men turns on a surgical light overhead,
revealing himself to be a KINDLY-looking DOCTOR, avuncular,
thick glasses. Next to him is an ORDERLY. The doctor peers
through the Punch-Bowl’s lid. He is SURPRISED by what he
sees. He nods to the orderly: ‘Go on, hurry.’
The orderly quickly unlocks and unlatches the lid, then
swings it OPEN. Air RUSHES INTO the PUNCH-BOWL. The orderly
steps away, leaving the doctor alone in the room.
WADE, hidden in darkness, gasps as though surfacing after
being held underwater.

The doctor casts a SHADOW over WADE’s face inside. The doctor
is FASCINATED, ENLIVENED.
DOCTOR
Mr. Wilson, these results are
remarkable.

Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of AIR.

DOCTOR (CONT’D)
Your cancer cells are more
aggressive than ever. Dividing and
metastasizing at a fantastic rate.
 73.

WADE
(broken, breathless)
Yippee.

DOCTOR
But, the cells have inalterably
changed. They’re no longer
destructive, but productive,
selectively targeting and replacing
damaged tissue.

WADE
That was a lot of, what’s the word,
syllables. Are you saying I’m
better?

DOCTOR
Better than better. A miracle.

WADE
(weak smile)
My Mom used to call me that.
(ALT:)
Me and Jesus.
(beat, to doctor)
Thank you. I owe you my life.

Wade grows choked up. The doctor is taken with empathy and
affection. He tenderly brushes the hair off Wade’s forehead,
of which the camera catches the tiniest glimpse. Wade’s skin
is not RIGHT somehow.
DOCTOR
There. There. Your journey’s been
long and difficult. But you’ve
become something extraordinary.
Just rest now. Rest.

The doctor slowly exits. Wade lies there. Actually relaxes.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
 74.

Then, just when I thought I could

breathe easy.

Who appears over the PUNCH-BOWL but AJAX.

AJAX
Oo. Someone lost his shot at
homecoming king.

WADE
You f-fucking sadistic-

AJAX
No. Not fair. Everything I’ve done
to you has been in your best
interest. Even this next bit. You
may be cured, but you still need to
learn to be a better man. Polite.
Respectful. What better way to
teach you than to close this lid
and keep torturing you stupid.

Ajax SLAMS the lid shut, LATCHES and LOCKS it. The hissing
resumes. Wade’s eyes grow wide. He starts to slip-slide
toward absolute ANGUISH.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
If you think I’m losing my marbles
‘cause I can’t breathe. You’re only
half right.

Ajax appears to be looking in at Wade. But we RACK FOCUS to

reveal he’s looking at his REFLECTION in the Plexiglas lid,
checking for stuff between his teeth.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, if Francis was able to see his
reflection.
 75.

The camera SWINGS around to Wade’s POINT-OF-VIEW of Ajax

through the glass lid, which has been newly ILLUMINATED by
the surgical light above and then RACKS FOCUS to WADE’s
REFLECTED FACE. Covered with HORRIFIC SCARS. Wade is no
longer a handsome young man. He is a monster. Which is
perfectly visible to him one foot away.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
You know what they say. You always
remember your first time.

Wade throws back his head in a SILENT SCREAM.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Even 5 years later.

45 EXT/INT. SCRAP-YARD - GROUND - DAY - PRESENT 45

Back in the PRESENT, we find ourselves in a huge SCRAP-YARD,
where various ships, planes, etc. are sold for scrap iron.
Among various vehicles is an OLD, BATTERED COMBAT CARRIER,
long given up for dead.
A heavy truck navigates through the heaps of scrap-metal and
grinds to a stop in front of the carrier.
Two heavy set MEN climb down and head toward the back of the
truck, heave the heavy door open.
AJAX and ANGEL DUST stand just inside, boxes and gear piled
up behind them. They hop down as four more rough-looking men
pile out behind them.
Angel Dust drags out a WOODEN CRATE. The planks crunch as she
digs her fingers into the wood and heaves it up on one burly
shoulder as if it weighed no more than a sack of flour. Heavy
AMMO peeks through.
ANGEL DUST
Better to be the hunter than the
hunted.

Ajax and Angel Dust walk across the muddy yard toward a
service elevator bolted to the rusting hulk of the carrier.
 76.

AJAX
Either I kill him, or he kills me.
Let’s put him out of our misery...

46 INT. GARBAGE TRUCK - DAY 46

DEADPOOL lays horizontal. He is speaking to the AUDIENCE:
DEADPOOL
There all caught up.

He CLIMBS up and out of the GARBAGE TRUCK.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(yells to driver)
Thanks for the lift! Apologies if I
bled in the recyclables.

47 INT/EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 47

A mid-city DUPLEX. Borderline ghetto. Semi-furnished, ‘first
apartment’ quality: futons and torchiere lamps.
Stained carpet, currently being swept by a roaming ROOMBA.
IKEA everywhere.
The same old AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN we glimpsed early in the
movie - late 70’s - purple floral dress - sits on a ratty
couch, where the typical old woman might KNIT.
Instead, this old woman uses a BOX-CUTTER to lay waste to a
BIG CARDBOARD BOX from IKEA - the ‘IVAR SHELVING UNIT.’
She lays out its components and tools on a wobbly IKEA NORNAS
COFFEE TABLE made more difficult by the fact that she is
completely BLIND. This is Deadpool’s roommate, BLIND AL.
 77.

Suddenly, Blind Al’s KEEN EAR picks up a faint, distant

KNOCKING. She cocks her head to LISTEN.

48 EXT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 48

ANGLE ON THE FRONT YARD:
Dirt. No grass. ‘93 Chevy Avon up on BLOCKS. An exhausted
DEADPOOL is slumped against his own front door, red suit, no
mask, no right HAND. He is KNOCKING weakly on the door with
the SIDE of his HEAD.

49 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PRESENT 49

ANGLE ON THE LIVING ROOM:
BLIND AL stands up in comfy creme nursing shoes. Grabs her
red-tipped CANE. And shuffles toward the front door when she
is TRIPPED by the ROOMBA. She FACE-PLANTS.
DEADPOOL (O.S.)
(from outside)
Let’s get ready to Rooooooomba!

BLIND AL
(under breath)
Ass-hat.

Al SWINGS her cane angrily, again and again, trying to hit

the robotic vacuum, which moves happily just out of reach.
She reaches her knees and stretches for the door when
DEADPOOL SPRINGS it open from outside, SLAMMING it into her
HEAD. Blind Al goes down again.
DEADPOOL
 78.

Morning, roomie!
(sniffs)
This place reeks like old lady
pants.

BLIND AL
(still supine)
Yes. I’m old. I wear pants.

DEADPOOL
But you’re no lady.

Blind Al struggles to a sitting position. Deadpool walks past

her in his socks, drops his muddy BOOTS to the floor and
slips into a pair of POWDER-BLUE CROCS parked just inside the
door.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
So comfy.

BLIND AL
Upside of being blind: I’ve never
seen you in Crocs.

DEADPOOL
You mean my big rubber masturbatin’
shoes?

BLIND AL
 79.

Yes I know. Downside of being

blind: I hear everything in this
duplex.

Deadpool walks bitterly past one wall of the DUPLEX, which is

COVERED - WALL-to-WALL, FLOOR-to-CEILING, with CHRISTMAS
ADVENT CALENDARS.
Tons of ornaments/candies/etc. adorn the calendars. There’s
not ONE CALENDAR left uncovered.
DEADPOOL
One-thousand eight-hundred twenty-
two ornaments pinned to two-
hundred-sixty calendars. All for a
‘Christmas’ that never came!

BLIND AL
Too much naughty, too little nice.

DEADPOOL
Sit on a stick.

DEADPOOL SPLAYS OUT on a white futon, MOANING, nursing his

horrifying wound.
BLIND AL
Bactine?

DEADPOOL
(dripping sarcasm)
Yeah. Bactine should do it. How’s
the Kullen coming? IKEA doesn’t
assemble itself.
 80.

Blind Al sits back on the ratty couch and begins applying the
finishing touches to the shelving unit.
BLIND AL
You’re telling me. I don’t mind the
Kullen. It’s an improvement on the
Hurdal.

DEADPOOL
Anything’s an improvement on the
Hurdal. I’d have taken a Hemne, or
even a Trysil, over the Hurdal. But
I didn’t get excited ‘til I saw the
Kullen.

BLIND AL
Screw please.

DEADPOOL
Here? Now? Just kidding. I know
it’s been decades for you.

BLIND AL
You’d be surprised.

DEADPOOL
And totally grossed out!
 81.

Blind Al turns the final screw, beyond unenthusiastic.

BLIND AL
Ta. Dah.

The dresser look like the Leaning Tower of Piza in shitty

particle board. Deadpool TOSSES a DIRTY MAGAZINE on top. The
Kullen COLLAPSES.
BLIND AL (CONT’D)
I wish I’d never heard of Craig’s
List.

DEADPOOL
And I quote: ‘Looking for roommate.
Blind to life’s imperfections. Must
be good with hands.’ Or would
rather I build IKEA and you pay
rent?

BLIND AL
Why such a douche this morning?

DEADPOOL
Let’s recap. That cock-thistle who
turned me into this freak, the one
I’ve been waiting five years for
slipped through my arms today. Arm.

Deadpool holds up his previously severed arm, which now has a

little tweenage ARM emerging off it. Yes. Deadpool can GROW
BACK LIMBS.
 82.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Catching him was my only chance to
be hot again. Get my super-sexy ex
back. And stop the same shit from
happening to anyone else. So yeah,
things are pretty fucking
scrumptious.

Deadpool stands. Walks behind the couch, and as he passes the

back of Blind Al’s head FARTS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Hash-tag Drive-by.

BLIND AL
(to herself)
I’m gonna find this ‘Craig.’ And
I’m gonna kill him.

DEADPOOL
Once I’ve got the cure, I’m gonna
do the same to Francis.

50 INT. WORKSHOP TENT - LATER 50

WADE, newly scarred, hidden in darkness, continues to GASP as
though being held underwater. Then the lid on the punch-bowl
SLIDES BACK, revealing AJAX. Wade takes deep LUNGS-FUL of
AIR. Ajax leans in for a closer look.
AJAX
Bloody hell. Someone lost his shot
at homecoming king.
 83.

WADE
(can barely speak)
What have you done to me?!

AJAX
You give me too much credit. This--
this is the result of your genes.
The punch bowl merely raised your
stress to trigger the mutation.

WADE
You-- sadistic-- fuck!

AJAX
Where's the gratitude?! You’re
cured! Your mutated cells can heal
anything. They’re attacking the
cancer as fast as it can form. Your
insides are a war zone. Not to
mention your outsides!

Wade looks stunned as he struggles to process all this

information. Ajax smiles down.
AJAX (CONT’D)
I’ve seen similar side-effects
before. I could cure them for you.
But really, where’s the fun in
that?

Wade says nothing, hating him but wanting to believe.

 84.

AJAX (CONT’D)
I’m going to close this lid again.
Maybe you no longer need it. But I
do.

For a long moment, Wade stares intensely at Ajax and sees

nothing, a black hole of empathy. And he knows this is a man
who will never stop hurting him.
NOTE: We will not be reshooting the rest of the scene below
with the exception of the final shot.
So he turns his gaze to the ceiling and WITHDRAWS into
himself, the one place the cruelty can no longer reach him.
Angel Dust enters, chewing on her usual matchstick.
AJAX
He’s all yours.

Angel leans over the Punch-bowl, starts to undo Wade’s

restraints.
ANGEL
You smell like shit.

When Angel Dust leans close to Wade’s head he suddenly comes

alive and uses the strength he has left to HEAD-BUTT her in
the FOREHEAD.
AJAX
(impressed)
Whoa.

Angel advances toward Wade. Ajax stops her.

AJAX (CONT’D)
 85.

Hey, hey, alright. It’s alright. I

think he earned that one, yeah? You
take off. Go on-- off you go.

As Angel Dust EXITS the tent, she reaches to her mouth for
her matchstick, only it’s not there. She frowns, fishes
another match from her pocket, and tucks it between her lips.
Ajax finishes strapping Wade back down and goes to close the
lid.
AJAX (CONT’D)
One question. What’s my name?

Wade remains listless, mouth SHUT. BLINKS.

AJAX (CONT’D)
Didn’t think so.

Ajax CLOSES and LOCKS the lid. HISS. The oxygen DIALS FALL.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Sorry, Francis. But my lips are
sealed.

And then we’re inside the punch bowl with Wade as the oxygen
levels drop and the suffering rises. Through a fog of misery
Wade sees Ajax staring down, watching him, drinking in his
pain.

51 INT. WORKSHOP - NIGHT - PAST 51

 86.

Back in the Punch-Bowl, Wade OPENS his MOUTH within which he

was HIDING a SINGLE MATCHSTICK, clenched carefully - dryly -
between his teeth.
He inhales then SPITS OUT the match into his waiting PALM.
Finally, he STRIKES it against the side of the Punch Bowl.
Wade aims the now FLAMING match toward the tiny HOLE through
which OXYGEN flows. The match is quickly burning down. Will
it reach the hole before it snuffs out?
At the last possible moment the flame COMBUSTS the stream of
oxygen, IGNITING it back through the TRANSPARENT PLASTIC TUBE
that trails outside the Punch-Bowl.
The flame SNAKES through the tube, this way and that, until
it reaches the OXYGEN TANK standing next to the Punch-Bowl. A
beat. Then the TANK EXPLODES.
The BLOWS APART. The hospital bed SNAPS in TWO.
Out in the ward, the FIREBALL curls outward, spreading from
TENT to TENT. BOOM! BOOM! Other flammable tanks DETONATE.
The tents GO UP like ROMAN CANDLES. It’s now MASS CHAOS.
ALARMS BLARE. Flames LEAP. Smoke BILLOWS. Patients FLEE.
A CURTAIN of FIRE suddenly DISPERSES, replaced by billowy
WHITE SMOKE from an OVER-SIZED CHROME FIRE EXTINGUISHER held
by AJAX, who STRIDES grimly toward Wade’s tent.
He throws back the burning fabric and nearly EATS an OXYGEN
TANK. He BLOCKS it at the last moment with his FIRE
EXTINGUISHER. CLANG.

On the other end of the oxygen tank, WIND-MILLING it with

unbridled FEROCITY, is WADE.
WADE and AJAX SWING the oxygen tank and fire extinguisher
like modern day CLUBS, trying to take off each other’s heads.
CLANG! BANG! BAM! The tanks COLLIDE in mid-air.
Ajax’s fingers CRUNCH between metal. He doesn’t even feel it.
Wade grabs the HOSE of Ajax’s fire extinguisher, angles it
up, and gets his finger on the TRIGGER.
The extinguisher BLASTS. Ajax is momentarily BLINDED.
Wade brings the oxygen tank down like a LUMBERJACK’S AXE.
Ajax BLOCKS it, but is driven to his KNEES.
 87.

Wade’s eyes are lit with fire. DOWN the tank COMES, again and
AGAIN. Ajax takes his own fire extinguisher to the CHIN. Then
catches a BLOW from the oxygen TANK to his TEMPLE.
The extinguisher goes FLYING. Wade swings the OXYGEN TANK
AGAIN, but against all odds, AJAX CATCHES it and SLAMS it
back into Wade’s NOSE. CRUNCH.
Ajax rises to his feet, and the two grip OPPOSITE SIDES of
the OXYGEN TANK, GRAPPLING with every ounce of strength.
Wade sweeps Ajax’s feet and he topples over backwards, Wade
on top of him. Wade lifts the heavy tank and slams it into
his face. Once. Twice. Three times. CRACK.
As he’s about to finish the job Ajax smiles, blood bubbling
from his smashed lips.

AJAX
You can’t kill me, Wade. I’m the
only one who can fix that ugly mug.

Wade looks torn as his rage gives way to something like hope.
He tosses the tank away.
WADE
Then time to make me me again.

A scream of terror behind Wade makes Wade turn.

CUNNINGHAM (O.S.)
Wade! Help! Wade!

Wade looks through the smoke and flame and spies a helpless
Cunningham lying in the flaming wreckage.
WADE
Fuck!
 88.

Wade drops Ajax and SPRINTS to Cunningham, starts dragging at

the WRECKAGE trapping him, when SLICE! A long piece of
sheared REBAR THRUSTS CLEAN THROUGH his CHEST from BEHIND.
The force sends the spear DEEP into the wooden floor beams,
pinning Wade like an insect in an entomologist’s display.
In a grand display of strength, AJAX BENDS the end of the
rebar to keep Wade pinned, then walks around and squats down
into Wade’s eye line, wearing a triumphant sneer.
AJAX
Say it. ‘Francis.’

Blood dribbles from Wade’s mouth as he tries in vain to push

himself off the bloody spike of metal. Ajax rises, scans the
burning workshop with a scowl - clearly a lost cause - and
turns to leave.
Cunningham screams again as the flames near him. Grunting
with the pain and effort Wade tries to push himself off the
spike.
His hands slip on the blood-slick metal, and he cannot free
himself. His VOLTRON RING lies on the floor next to him.
Wade and Cunningham share a last look. Cunningham clamps his
jaws shut, fighting the agony.
CREAK. CRACKLE the ROOF COLLAPSES, BURYING BOTH OF THEM.
AND WE CUT TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

52 INT. WORKSHOP - DAY 52

Morning’s first sunlight. WADE’s VOLTRON RING lies COMPLETELY
MELTED in the DEBRIS. The camera follows it to Wade’s hand
then up his arm to his FACE.
WADE’s eyelids flutter, and he COMES TO. He is naked, his
hospital gown burned away. We see BLACKENED SLUDGE, SOOT,
charred remains. The melted and scorched metal rod next to
him.
 89.

Wade slowly realizes where he is and what happened. He

reaches down to his stomach wound WHICH HAS MIRACULOUSLY
HEALED. Wade sits up, stunned.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
I didn’t just get the cure to El
Cáncer. I got the cure to
everything.

53 EXT. CITY STREET - MORNING - PAST 53

VANESSA, tired, broken, mind seemingly elsewhere, walks

towards her apartment. She passes a loving young COUPLE, arm-
in-arm.
Vanessa clocks this sadly, continues on.
Behind her, PEOPLE walk to and fro. Among them, we REVEAL:
WADE, dressed in ill-fitting pants and a hoodie. He is a
TRAIN-WRECK, scarred face on display to the world for the
first time.
He looks purposeful, but tentative, walking behind Vanessa,
GAINING on her.
ANGLE ON: WADE’s P.O.V.
A BOY goes by on his bike, trying hard not to gape. A TODDLER
in a STROLLER looks up and BURSTS INTO TEARS. The toddler’s
MOTHER hustles past.
MOTHER
Alex, don’t stare.

VANESSA stops and rifles through her purse for keys.

STILL on Wade’s P.O.V. Wade stops, too, suddenly paralyzed,
as the moment to face Vanessa arrives.
As he hesitates, torn with anguish, the WHISPERS seem to
grow, rising in volume until they become deafening:
 90.

WHISPER 2 (O.S.)
Oh, my, god, that is so fucking
gnarly.

WHISPER 3 (O.S.)
I just lost my appetite.

Wade spins, trying to see where the voices are coming from.
Nowhere, everywhere. The WHISPERS crescendo, now more in
Wade’s mind than in reality.
He turns back to Vanessa, his face a mask of fear and pain,
just as she disappears into her apartment building. The
closing glass door reveals his own HIDEOUS REFLECTION STARING
BACK AT HIM.
DEADPOOL
In the whole wide world, there’s
nothing as ugly--
(beat)
--as fear.

He gives up on his mission, backing away from his reflection,

Vanessa, his old life. He stumbles off the curb and into the
street, when BAM!
He is CRUSHED OUT OF FRAME by a SPEEDING BUS.
SMASH CUT TO
BLACK.

FADE UP ON:
 91.

54 INT. MORGUE - NIGHT 54

THREE BODY BAGS lie on SLABS in a MORGUE.
Without warning, the MIDDLE bag SITS UP STRAIGHT at the WAIST
then tries to CATERPILLAR its way to the edge of its slab but
instead pitches off the slab - CRUNCH - FACE-FIRST onto the
floor.
WADE (O.S.)
Ow.

55 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - NIGHT 55

An FBI-STYLE ‘ORGANIZATIONAL CHART’ has been pinned on Wade’s
CORKBOARD in the lair. A ‘pyramid’ of baddies are linked by
strings. Each baddie is depicted not by a photograph, but a
child-like CRAYON DRAWING.
Second from the top is the RECRUITER.
At the APEX of the pyramid is AJAX HIMSELF.
DEADPOOL, in his LAIR, sews together an early ‘proto-
costume.’
We see quick cuts of pieces of it going on:
White Adidas tracksuit. White gloves. White boots. And some
sort of white mask.
A single gun, underarm holster, boot knife but no swords.

56 INT. POOL HALL - NIGHT 56

DEADPOOL
Don’t make me ask twice. Where’s
Francis?!
 92.

DEADPOOL questions a bleeding thug, more bodies scattered

across a floor littered with broken furniture behind him.
Another thug rushes in and smashes a pool cue over Deadpool’s
skull. Deadpool snatches the broken shaft of wood and PUNCHES
it into the thugs belly.
A third thug staggers to his feet, pulls a pistol, fires
multiple shots point blank. Deadpool staggers back, blood
blossoming across his white suit.
“CLICK”
The thug stares in disbelief that Deadpool’s still standing.
Deadpool looks down at the shaft of wood in his hand. Thinks.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I said, where’s-- fucking-- FR-
(realizes)
You made me ask twice.

Deadpool spins the bloody cue with inhuman dexterity and

starts towards the terrified thug, accidentally knocking over
a PITCHER of BLOODY MARY onto his already bloody stained
suit.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Fuck. Me.

57 INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY 57

DEADPOOL, TIDE STAIN-STICK in hand, tries unsuccessfully to
get the blood out of his white suit.
We get our first glimpse of BLIND AL, who’s sitting next to
Deadpool at the laundromat, completely unfazed by the
bloodbath:
BLIND AL
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
(off Deadpool’s impressed
look, shrugs)
 93.

Or wear red.

Deadpool’s eyes light up. He crumples this suit into a ball

and tosses it into a trash bin.

58 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - NIGHT 58

Deadpool stabs a KNIFE into the picture of the GOON he just
killed (at the bottom of the pyramid) right in the FOREHEAD.

59 INT. LAIR - NIGHT 59

DEADPOOL’s at the sewing machine again.
Quick cuts of a RED ‘proto’ outfit going on: Cheap red
sweats. Red gloves. Red converse. As yet unseen RED MASK,
which turns out to be--

60 INT. UNDERGROUND FIGHT - NIGHT 60

--a RED ‘LUCHA LIBRE’ PRO WRESTLING MASK.
Deadpool stands in the shadows of a dingy basement, low
ceilings, walls stacked high with cases of liquor.
In a BOXING RING at the center of the room two WOMEN pound
each other surrounded by a scrum of a CROWD. Deadpool spies
his mark in a dirty white suit pressed in tight ringside.
Deadpool pulls his mask down, wades into the crowd, throwing
men aside, PLOWING toward his target.
 94.

The mark sees Deadpool at the last second, turns as a KATANA

flashes out and skewers his hand, pinning it to the wall.
Deadpool fires a couple shots into the ceiling, sending the
rest of the crowd rushing for the exit.
DEADPOOL
Don’t make me ask twice. Where’s-

SMASH CUT TO:

61 INT/EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - INTERROGATIONS - KILLS 61

Deadpool has a goon at sword-point.
DEADPOOL
Donde esta Francisco?

THUG
I don’t speak Spanish.

DEADPOOL
(sighs)
And I don’t have time for you to
learn.

Deadpool kills the thug.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Take me to your leader.
(turns)
I’ve always wanted to say that.
 95.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Squeal. Like a pig. Where’s
Francis?

DEADPOOL
In no particular order. Where’s
your boss? And where can I find
good Indian food?

HENCHMAN
Why the red suit?

DEADPOOL
That’s so bad guys can’t- never
mind, they’ve already heard that.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You’re about to tell me everything
you know about Francis Freeman.
Known aliases. Current whereabouts.
Boxers or briefs. Go.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(forces guy’s mouth open,
goes in with knife)
Open your mouth. Here comes the
airplane!
 96.

GOON
(gun pointed at forehead,
a la Joseph Takagi)
I don’t know, I’m telling you.
You’re just going to have to kill
me.

DEADPOOL
OK.
(shoots goon in head, a
la)
Hans Gruber, then, to audience:)
Right?!

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(goon at knifepoint)
Don’t make me break out the
Collective Soul CDs.

DEADPOOL
You give me your boss. I give you
the rest of your life.

DEADPOOL
(throws woman onto table)
I don’t feel good about myself. But
where is he? I’m so sorry.

62 EXT/INT. MONTAGE - VARIOUS 62

New COSTUME. BOOM. A MAN dies.
 97.

STAB. His picture is knifed.

BOOM. STAB.
QUESTIONS.
BOOM! STAB!
INTERROGATION.
BOOM! STAB!
DEADPOOL questions more and more thugs, each bit of
information bringing him closer.
Soon there is a FOREST of knives sticking from the board.
--and only the RECRUITER and AJAX are left.

63 INT. RICE WORLD - NIGHT 63

A wretched room, dirty mattresses covering the floor. Dim
light scatters through a tangle of IV bags hastily strung up
over MEN too poor to have anywhere else to go and die.
The RECRUITER kneels, speaking quietly to a particularly
hardened patient. He places a card in the man’s emaciated
hand, then stands and walks toward a low doorway.
The recruiter enters a brightly lit room stacked high with
bags of rice. Two heavily armed THUGS fall in beside him. The
men scan the aisles as they move toward a door leading out
into an alley.
DEADPOOL
Agent Smith!

They turn to see DEADPOOL, high atop a stack of rice bags.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I know, right?! I look like a
million bucks. Literally - this
suit cost Fox a million dollars.
 98.

Without a word, the Recruiter flees, running through the big

roll-up door.
Deadpool leaps to land between the two bodyguards as they
draw their weapons and spray the room with gunfire.
One goes down in a bloody heap. Deadpool leaps toward the
other, skewers him with both swords. The thug falls backward,
dead before he hits the ground.

64 EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT 64

DEADPOOL
Come out, come out, wherever you
are!
(darkens)
Don’t make me ask tw-
(pleasantly surprised)
Good for you!

The Recruiter has stepped timidly from between overflowing

garbage bins, hands raised, eager to talk his way out of this
mess:
RECRUITER
To whom should I address my
desperate bargaining?

DEADPOOL
Don’t recognize the voice? Maybe
the resumé: Forty-one confirmed
kills. Make that Eighty-nine. Seven
the past week alone. Same rate most
folks--
(pulls out SWORD)
--get a shave.
 99.

RECRUITER
(realizes who it is,
fights to stay composed)
Mr-- Wilson?

DEADPOOL
Ding-ding-ding! Now-- you’re about
to tell me where I can find your
boss. Or I’m gonna make you feel
worse. Wait--

Deadpool brings the sword closer to the recruiter’s face.

Turns to CAMERA:
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
--worse than worse.

RECRUITER
And I pride myself on being
persuasive.

SMASH CUT TO:

65 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - DAY - PAST 65

WADE stands in the shadows. WEASEL sits at a table.
WADE
No-- no way! I’m not making her
life as ugly as mine!
 100.

WEASEL
C’mon, you can’t look that bad!
It’s like that blemish no one
notices but you.

WADE
Wrong. I’m a monster, inside and
out. I belong in a circus, the kind
that rolls around Eastern Europe in
covered wagons.

WEASEL
I can’t envision a scenario where
Vanessa won’t take you ba-
(Wade steps into light,
takes off his hoodie)
-aaaaaccckkk!! Holy shit. You--
are-- terrifying. You look like an
avocado had sex with an older
avocado.

Wade grabs the bottle of JACK DANIELS from the table,

GUZZLES.
WEASEL (CONT’D)
We might have to move our
relationship to text and phone
only.

Wade ignores Weas, slams down the bottle:

WADE
 101.

And the only guy who can fix this

fugly mug, the asshole who ran that
mutant factory, escaped to who
knows where.

WEASEL
I take back the Vanessa thing. You
have only one option.

WADE
Find Francis-Go-Fuck-Himself.

WEASEL
(not listening)
Star in low budget horror movies.
Seriously, you look like Freddy
Krueger face-fucked a topographical
map of Utah.

WADE
(equally not listening)
I’m gonna work my way through his
crew-- crushing bad guys’ skulls,
‘til one of ‘em leads me to
Francis. Then I’ll force him to
cure this face. Stomp his bloody
guts into a fine vintage. And win
Vanessa back.

WEASEL
 102.

OK. Not exactly the plot of Beauty

and the Beast, but cool. Good news,
that douche thinks you’re dead.
Advantage you. He won’t think
you’re coming. Bad news, with a
puss like that, you’ll be spotted
fast.

WADE
(derisive)
So what do you suggest? A mask?

WEASEL
Not a bad idea! You-- are--
haunting. Your face is the stuff of
nightmares.

WADE
(nods)
Like a testicle with teeth.

WEASEL
How ‘bout a super-suit? And a
nickname! Bitter-Boy. Super-Fist.
Captain Never- Die.
(deflates at a thought)

WADE
What?
 103.

WEASEL
Nothing. It’s just-- you know, I
just realized, I’m never winning
the-

Weasel looks over to Wade, sees him staring. He follows

Wade’s gaze up to the board on the wall.
WADE
Deadpool.

As Wade says the word, he and Weasel share a look. EUREKA.

Wade holds up the BOTTLE.
WEASEL
Deadpool. To you, Mr. Pool.

The two CLINK GLASSES.

66 INT/EXT. MONTAGE - DAY - NIGHT - PAST 66

A highly pleased DEADPOOL holds up the-soon-to-become-famous
MASK for the first time, ushering in a MONTAGE:
WADE, at SISTER MARGARET’s, receives a YELLOW CARD with a
Cypress Tree from WEASEL.
He turns a LUCHA LIBRE mask INSIDE OUT to reveal the classic
DEADPOOL MASK we all know and love. Puts it on. Then dresses
- piece-by-piece - in the RED UNIFORM we’ve come to know and
love. And at last, UNSHEATHES A KATANA. The sword TWIRLS,
SLASHES, LUNGES into shadow. A HANDKERCHIEF WIPES BLOOD from
the BLADE. The katana gets SHEATHED again.
The same yellow card is now RECEIVED and PUNCHED by Weasel.
Wade is paid in TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS. WHIP CREAM froths onto a
shot glass. A BLOW-JOB is TOSSED BACK.
 104.

Meanwhile, VANESSA plays SKEE-BALL wistfully by herself at

the ARCADE:
SKEE-BALLS roll into HOLES. LIGHTS FLASH. TICKETS CHURN OUT.
VANESSA catches a reflection of someone STARING at her from
across the lobby. When she spins around, the culprit is GONE.
Vanessa SHIVERS, but it’s a warm shiver, somehow.
A HEAP of TICKETS slides across the prize counter. A big
STUFFED ANIMAL slides into Vanessa’s arms. Vanessa tosses it
into an empty CLOSET inside her and Wade’s former APARTMENT.
Then stares out the SPIDER-WEB CRACK in the window.
Back at DEADPOOL’s LAIR, Deadpool places various suspicious
accoutrements on the NORNAS COFFEE TABLE: an 8x11 framed
photo of VANESSA. A BOTTLE of JERGENS. A BOX of KLEENEX. His
BELT. His powder-blue CROCS. Deadpool kicks back on the
FUTON. Smiles under his mask.
CUT TO: BLIND AL, building yet another shelving unit, looking
up with a grossed-out frown: ‘Am I hearing what I think I’m
hearing?’
Next, DEADPOOL finishes plastering hundreds of ADVENT
CALENDARS he’s purchased onto one WALL of his LAIR.
When the wall is covered, he carefully pins the FIRST
ornament onto the FIRST tree on the FIRST calendar.
And at last, his MASK comes OFF and his HEAD hits the PILLOW.
Instantly, the montage CRANKS UP its SPEED, with quicker and
quicker EDITS.
The visual totems that have just been introduced begin to FLY
by shorthand for the passage of time:
Yellow cards are given, received, punched.
Blades are unsheathed, sheathed, cleaned.
Whip cream sprayed. Drinks consumed.
Skee-balls rolled into holes. Tickets won. Prizes earned.
Tossed onto a EVER-GROWING PILE in the closet. VANESSA
staring out her window.
Jergens pumped. Kleenexes pulled. Crocs discarded. BLIND AL’s
ears plugged.
Ornaments are pinned to calendars. Lords a-leap. Swans a-
swim. Maids a-milk.
Mask comes off. Head hits pillow. Mask pulls on.
 105.

The images fly by FASTER, FASTER, FASTER.

Whip cream. Skee-balls. Crocs. Ornaments. Weasel. Deadpool.
Vanessa. Al.
‘I NEED A HERO’ plays faster and faster, too - higher and
higher, like a record on too many RPMs.
The effect is rhythmic, hypnotic until finally, the montage
REACHES a CRESCENDO.
And then BOOM! Ratchets back to REGULAR SPEED:
‘CHRISTMAS MORNING’ has arrived. All the calendars but one
are now fully studded with decorations. DEADPOOL plucks out
one last STAR to pin atop the final TREE.
Only it’s not a star at all, it’s AJAX’s MUGSHOT clipped out
from the old NEWSPAPER.
With great satisfaction, Deadpool pins the faded photo to the
last treetop. The music dies, and Deadpool turns to camera.
DEADPOOL
Santa Claus is coming--

SMASH CUT TO:

67 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAY - PAST 67

DEADPOOL (O.S.)
--to town!

DEADPOOL has ONE LEG in his COSTUME and the other LEG still
stabbing for the other pants-hole.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Late-late-late-late-late!
 106.

He HOPS ACROSS the hall past BLIND AL, not really paying
attention to her. We’re revisiting the moment from earlier
JUST AFTER she TRIPS on Deadpool’s DUFFEL of AMMUNITION,
PICKS it up, and DRAGS it OFF.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry!

BLIND AL
I hope you’re doing us the courtesy
of pants.

68 EXT. CITY STREET - DAY - PAST 68

DEADPOOL runs out to the street corner and WAVES.
DEADPOOL
Taxi!

A TAXI, if you’ve been paying attention, you will recognize

it pulls up to the curb. Deadpool opens the rear door. A
WOMAN steps out, pausing to pay Dopinder.
WOMAN
Keep the change.

Deadpool frowns. The woman is pulling her money from a

BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE. Deadpool’s eyes raise from
the purse to the woman holding it: BERNADETTE PETERS HERSELF!
Deadpool doubletakes, then shakes his head (‘Nah, couldn’t
be’) and climbs into the cab. Who is behind the wheel but--
DOPINDER
 107.

Where do you want to be going!

DEADPOOL
(looks to camera)
And we all know how this turned
out. Cue Benny Hill speed--

The action goes into Benny-Hill-like HYPER-SPEED as we relive

the opening scenes of the movie: DEADPOOL’s CAB RIDE. AJAX
crumpling up his orange jumpsuit and switching places with a
motorcycle RIDER at the RAFT. The FREEWAY FIGHT with AJAX’s
GOONS. The CONFRONTATION with COLOSSUS. Until at last--

69 EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 69

Transport TRUCKS idle in the loading dock.
A docile SUPER-SLAVE, fitted with a control collar and cuffs,
steps into a CRATE IDENTICAL to the ONES AJAX DELIVERED TO
THE WARLORD in ACT ONE. He lies down.
ANGEL DUST is overseeing. She plunges a pistol-grip syringe
into his neck and fires:

ANGEL DUST
For your flight.

The man’s eyelids flutter shut. Next to him, four identical

crates hold four unconscious men and women. The workshop
henchmen hammer on the tops and laboriously load them up into
the truck.
ANGEL picks up one over her shoulder with ease. She turns at
the sound of a sputtering motorcycle getting closer.
Ajax rolls in on one of the battered black bikes from the
freeway. Smoke curls from its broken tailpipe.
 108.

He steps off the bike while it’s still moving, just letting
it roll forward and tip to the ground with a clank.
AJAX (O.S.)
Quit showing off, Angel.

Angel doesn’t seem surprised by his dirty and bloodied

appearance. A raised eyebrow and a disapproving look is all
she has for her boss.

70 INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY 70

A WAREHOUSE full of SURGICAL EQUIPMENT. OVERHEAD LAMPS.
FABRIC TENTS. CHROME TABLES, one of which Ajax sits on.
AJAX
Wade Fucking Wilson.

ANGEL DUST stands in front of him, putting stitches into his

GORY MESS of a SHOULDER WOUND.
He doesn’t so much as FLINCH.

ANGEL DUST
Makes perfect sense.

AJAX
I suppose if I looked like him, I’d
wear a mask too.
(Angel finishes final
stitch)
Only wish I mended the same.
 109.

Ajax pops off the table. Swings his arm around, testing his
shoulder.
AJAX (CONT’D)
Not to worry. We’ll put him out of
our misery. On our terms.

ANGEL DUST
And if he heals?

AJAX
He can’t - if there’s nothing left
of him to heal. And then we go back
to business as usual.

Ajax’s hand is a blur as he plucks the MATCHSTICK from

Angel’s mouth.
AJAX (CONT’D)
What say we leave the matches at
home?

71 INT. DEADPOOL’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - PRESENT 71

-- the PAST reaches the PRESENT. REGULAR SPEED AGAIN.
DEADPOOL is sitting on his futon, Crocs on, staring at
camera.
DEADPOOL
There. All caught up.
(shifts weight, moans,
lies back on futon)
 110.

BLIND AL (O.S.)
Tylenol P.M.?

BLIND AL shuffles over from the kitchen with a cup of tea and
a bottle of Tylenol. She eases down onto the futon next to
Deadpool.
DEADPOOL
You can stick that where you stuck
the Bactine! I found my stash of
wisdom- tooth Percocet in the
Storjorm, and I’m orbiting Saturn.
But I appreciate the gesture.

Deadpool lays his head on Blind Al’s shoulder and gently rubs
her face with his KID HAND.
BLIND AL
Am I crazy, or is your hand really
small?

DEADPOOL
The size of a KFC spork.

BLIND AL
Eesh. I get why you’re so pissy.
But your mood’s never gonna
brighten ‘til you find this woman
you love and tell her how you feel!

DEADPOOL
 111.

What do I keep saying, Mrs. Magoo?

She wouldn’t have me! If you could
see me, you’d understand.

BLIND AL
Love is blind, Wade.

DEADPOOL
No, you’re blind.

The ROOMBA sucks up THREE SCREWS next to an IVAR shelving

unit.
BLIND AL
What was that?

DEADPOOL
A clue why our Ivar shelving unit’s
about to fall the fuck apart.

BLIND AL
So you’re just gonna lie there and
whimper?

DEADPOOL
Just clocking time ‘til this arm
plows through puberty. I’ve got a
new Christmas Day.
 112.

Deadpool throws his feet, CROCS and all, up on the coffee

table.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Now, ya may want to leave the room.
(beat)
I bet it feels huge in this hand.

72 INT. SISTER MARGARET’S - NIGHT 72

WEASEL is on the house phone. The bar is BUSTLING.
WEASEL
Wade, we got a problem. And by we I
mean you.

73 EXT. NO. 5 ORANGE - NIGHT 73

DEADPOOL and WEASEL walk hastily, purposefully into the eye
of the storm. Deadpool is a HOT MESS.

DEADPOOL
I’m about to lose what’s left of my
shit. Is there a word for half-
afraid, half- furious?

WEASEL
Afurious? Wait, is it Monday?! They
have an amazing Matzah Ball Soup
Monday.
(beat)
Never mind. Have you figured what
you’re gonna tell her?
 113.

DEADPOOL
(thinks)
Fuck.

WEASEL
It’s a start.

74 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 74

Lights flash. Music pumps. From across the room we see WADE
and WEASEL enter. Weasel jokes with the DOORMAN while Wade
scans the crowd, searching for Vanessa.
EMCEE STAN LEE, sweatsuit, gold chains, Beats headphones,
lords from a glass cubicle:
STAN LEE
Coming onto the stage, give it up
for-- Chastity!

75 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 75

WEASEL
Or as I like to call her, Irony!

DEADPOOL navigates through a TIGHTLY-PACKED CROWD toward the

MAIN STAGE, accompanied by WEASEL.
 114.

DEADPOOL
We gotta find her fast. Before
fuck-ass.

WEASEL
How do you even know she’s here?

DEADPOOL
I come for the French Onion Soup.
How do you think? I’m constantly
stalking that fox.

Deadpool STOPS in his tracks, STARING.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Every time I see her is like the
first time.

REVERSE ANGLE to reveal what Deadpool is looking at: the

gorgeous backside of a COCKTAIL WAITRESS in a skimpy dress.
Back to Deadpool:
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Even from this angle. Especially
from this angle.

Hypnotized, Deadpool puts one foot in front of the other,

approaching the waitress.
Suddenly, the WAITRESS TURNS to reveal her face: VANESSA.
Deadpool immediately CHICKENS OUT, puts his head down, turns
away from her into the press of MEN around one of the stages.
 115.

Vanessa catches the vaguest glimpse, but before she can get a
better look, Deadpool is swallowed up by the crowd.
She gets that warm shiver again, the one that says she’s
feeling an old presence.
She stares after Deadpool. It couldn’t possibly be.
Deadpool pushes past the men, almost in a panic, beating a
HASTY RETREAT toward WEASEL at the back of the room.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Shittiest moment numero tres.

Deadpool walks past Weasel, fleeing into the men’s room-

76 INT. MEN’S RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS 76

--and SPLASH! Washes his face at the SINK.
DEADPOOL
Lezzdothis. Before I re-reconsider.
Maximum effort.

A hand comes into frame offering a paper towel. It belongs to

a WASHROOM ATTENDANT in a tuxedo vest. Deadpool uses the
towel to wipe his face and finishes with the attendant’s
sleeve.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Sorry.
(tries to dry attendant’s
sleeve with paper towel)
I get very uncomfortable around you
guys.
(takes mint off
counter,then condom off
counter, then sees tip
jar)
Crisp high five?
 116.

77 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - NIGHT 77

VANESSA sets down a tray of empty glasses. Her scumbag of a
MANAGER gives her a heads-up:
MANAGER
Someone out back asking for you.
Said somethin’ about an old
boyfriend?

78 EXT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 78

VANESSA exits the club into an ALLEY, one of Wade’s old
jackets thrown over her shoulders. One sickly street lamp
casts some light. The rest is obscured in SHADOW. Vanessa
spies the shape of a MAN hiding in the shadows.
VANESSA
I knew it was you.

Vanessa is seized by memories. She peers into the dark, heart

pounding.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
With the weird, curvy edges.

Then steps forward slowly, nervously. Overcome with emotion.

VANESSA (CONT’D)
(barely audible)
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
 117.

No one answers. Vanessa gets a bad feeling and starts to back

up.
The man steps confidently into the light. Not WADE but AJAX.
Vanessa spins around and runs straight into Angel Dust, who
step out of the shadows.
Vanessa make a grab for her purse, contents spilling out onto
the grimy street, but her hand comes up with a TASER. She
jams it into the flesh of Angel Dusts shoulder.
Angel Dust just smiles as electricity arcs and sizzles. Then
she grabs Vanessa’s hand and twists it away.
Vanessa THRASHES like a polecat. But Angel Dust is brutally
strong. She clamps her hand around Vanessa’s jaw and
SQUEEZES, dangling her in the air by her FACE.
AJAX
You have Wade Wilson to thank for
this.

Vanessa’s eyes widen in shock and surprise.

AJAX (CONT’D)
‘The good Lord sends the fishing--

Vanessa screams mutely into Angel Dust’s palm.

AJAX (CONT’D)
--but you must dig the bait.’

79 INT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - HALLWAY - NIGHT 79

 118.

WADE pushes through the crowd to find WEASEL sitting in GYNO

ROW at the edge of the stage. He’s in the middle of slipping
a bill into a dancer’s garter.
WEASEL
Manager said she went that way.
(thumbs towards the back)
Good luck, Tiger!

DEADPOOL moves quickly down a HALL, turns a corner, and

REACHES for the knob of the door to the alley. His eyes WIDEN
as he remembers something IMPORTANT.
Deadpool reaches back and pulls up his hood to hide his
scarred FACE.
Deadpool girds himself, then OPENS the door to spy--

80 EXT. ‘NO. 5 ORANGE’ STRIP CLUB - ALLEY - NIGHT 80

--the empty alley. Deadpool spies a woman’s CLUTCH lying
alone in a pool of light, contents strewn about. He reaches
down and picks up his old BERNADETTE PETERS CHANGE PURSE.
DEADPOOL
Mother-fucker best be wearing his
brown pants.

81 INT. SCRAPYARD - ELEVATOR - PRE-DAWN 81

AJAX and Angel Dust stand at either side of a bound and
gagged VANESSA. They are inside the metal cage of an
INDUSTRIAL ELEVATOR, going UP.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
And-- numero dos.
 119.

A bare bulb casts harsh light as they rise past a dark mass
of twisted metal. Ajax looks almost bored, hums to himself
tunelessly.

82 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY 82

AJAX explains his plan to VANESSA:
AJAX
That’s what I thought, but he keeps
on coming back. Like a Bad Jesus.
But despite all Wade’s powers, I
still hold the advantage: He feels.
Too strongly for his own good.
Let’s see how he fights with your
head on the block.

83 EXT. X-MANSION - DAY 83

A sign reads ‘PROFESSOR XAVIER’S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED
YOUNGSTERS.’

The sign is on the perfectly manicured front lawn of the

gorgeous Gothic X-MANSION.
Who is standing outside the front door of the mansion but
DEADPOOL, in full regalia. Deadpool raises his knuckles to
KNOCK, but is suddenly STARTLED by the door SWINGING OPEN to
reveal an annoyed NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She’s wearing
BEATS HEADPHONES.
DEADPOOL
Ripley from ‘Alien 3’!

NTW
Deadfool.
 120.

DEADPOOL
It’s like you knew I was about to
knock!
(shivers, ‘creepy’)
Is that big steel dildo home?

NTW
You guys going for a bite? Early
bird special?

DEADPOOL
Like there’s something wrong with
eating before sundown. Or saving
money. But no. It’s about me saving
my girl from a bad guy, the one you
two helped me lose. You do fight
bad guys?
(off NTW’s stare)
No time for hard stares, are you
gonna fetch big-shiny-balls or not?
Tell him I have an offer he can’t
refuse!

NTW turns, disappears into the house.

NTW
Colossus!

From off camera, we hear loudly, excitedly, from the second

floor:
COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Is that you, Wade?! I knew you’d
see error of ways!
 121.

DEADPOOL
Yep, that’s me, seeing the error of
my ways! I just need an itty bitty
favor in return!
(turns to camera,
whispers)
Fool him five times? Shame on him.

84 INT. DEADPOOL’S LAIR - DAWN 84

WEASEL and DEADPOOL are going through IKEA drawers, pulling
out every GUN and GRENADE on God’s green earth and stuffing
them into a couple of Deadpool’s ‘I *HEART* HELLO KITTY’
DUFFEL BAGS.
This is Deadpool’s ARSENAL, big enough for a small army. In
go the twin DESERT EAGLES. Then Weasel dumps an entire ARMFUL
of AMMO BOXES into the duffel.
WEASEL
That’s about, three thousand
shells.

A BEAT. Deadpool LOOKS AT CAMERA menacingly:

DEADPOOL
And we’ve all seen what I can do
with twelve.

BLIND AL enters, holding a STEYR AUG RIFLE.

BLIND AL
I was gonna spend tonight
assembling the Borgsjo, but this is
holding my interest.
 122.

Both Deadpool and Weasel duck, afraid she might shoot them.
DEADPOOL
Careful, Ronnie Milsap, we’re down-
range! And we decided on the
Orrberg, not the Borgsjo.

BLIND AL
Shit.

WEASEL
She cool?

DEADPOOL
The coolest. Plus, she could never
pick you out of a line-up.

BEEP-BEEP. DEADPOOL looks at his phone. The screen says,

“Vanessa’s Phone”
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
It’s Francis. He wants me to come
to him. And he calls me a piece of-
(squints, can’t read)

WEASEL
(points)
That’s the shit emoji. A turd with
a smile, see? How did Google ever
approve that?
 123.

Blind Al grabs a Nerf N-Strike Elite Strong-arm Blaster from

a drawer (it feels like a gun!) and goes to put it in the
duffel. Deadpool almost stops her, then shrugs - maybe it
will come in useful.
BLIND AL
That’s every piece in the house.

DEADPOOL
Uh-uh-uh.

Blind Al sighs - busted - she puts her leg up on a chair and

pulls a tiny Saturday Night Special from an ankle holster and
is about to hand it over when instead, she turns, and BOOM.
Shoots the ROOMBA, laying waste to it.
BLIND AL
It was him or me.
(beat)
I did hit it, right?

DEADPOOL
Please. It’s been years since
you’ve hit anything. See what I did
there?

BLIND AL
Fuck you.
 124.

Deadpool takes the tiny gun and shoves it in the small of his
back. Then follows Weasel out the door. Then quickly turns
back.
DEADPOOL
(to Al)
In case I never see you again, I
love you very much... and there’s a
hundred-ten million dollars buried
somewhere in the apartment. Good
luck. Watch your face.

Deadpool slams the door behind him.

85 INT/EXT. TAXI - MORNING 85

A TAXI drives across the city, its BACK BUMPER scraping the
ground, throwing off SPARKS.
In the PASSENGER seat: DEADPOOL, his DUFFEL at his feet.
Behind the wheel: DOPINDER.
DEADPOOL
Any luck winning Gita back?

DOPINDER
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool.
But Bandhu is more craftier - and
handsomer - than me.

DEADPOOL
(shrugs)
It’s all relative.
 125.

Deadpool quickly LIFTS his MASK, revealing his SCARS to

Dopinder.
STARTLED, Dopinder FLINCHES and SIDESWIPES a PARKED CAR.
COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Stop the car. I must leave a note.

Cut to the BACK SEAT to find COLOSSUS CRAMMED in, KNEES to

CHEST. He’s drinking a CAPPUCCINO in a Dunkin’ Donuts cup.
DEADPOOL
Oh, please. I’ll bet the halls of
your high school were very well
monitored.

DOPINDER
I cannot be stopping.

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.)

Wait, I’m getting a premonition.

To Colossus’s left is NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD. She’s

holding two fingers to her temple again, a la Professor X.
Then nods toward Dopinder.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT’D)
He’s uninsured.

DOPINDER
She indeed has ESPN! I am quite
uninsuranced.
 126.

DEADPOOL
You mean ESP. But come on! I
coulda-

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD

-called that yourself?

DEADPOOL
Gaaaahhhh!

Deadpool literally BOUNCES in frustration.

DOPINDER
Who brought this twinkly man?

DEADPOOL
Twinkly, but deadly. My big Russki
friend doesn’t like the idea of a
whole new army of mutant mutton-
heads. And I told him if he did me
this solid, I’d consider joining
his boy band.

COLOSSUS
It’s not a boy band.

DEADPOOL
Sure it’s not.
 127.

The cab drives over a SMALL DIP and BOTTOMS OUT. CLANG. BANG.
A muffled yelp comes from the TRUNK:
VOICE (O.S.)
Ow! Help. Me.

BEAT. Dopinder reaches to turn up the RADIO.

DEADPOOL
Uh. Dopinder. What was that?

DOPINDER
Oh, that? That was Bandhu.

COLOSSUS
Bandwho?

DOPINDER
My romantic rival, Bandhu. He’s
tied up in the trunk. I’m doing as
you said, D.P. I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish. Then dump his
lifeless corpse on Gita’s doorstep
like a cat with a dead bird. Mom
and Dad will be over the moon.

Deadpool looks back at Colossus and shrugs.

DEADPOOL
 128.

Something must’ve gotten lost in

the translation.
(gives surreptitious
thumbs up to Dopinder)
Seriously. This is no way to win
Gita’s heart. Return Bandhu home
safe and gentle-like. And then woo
Gita with your boyish charm...

DOPINDER
Fine, fine. Safe and gentle-like.
Here we are.

Dopinder pulls over and hits the meter. Then sighs.

DOPINDER (CONT’D)
I too am clairvoyance. I presume a
crisp high five?

DEADPOOL
For you? Ten.

DOPINDER
Knock em dead, Pool Boy.

Deadpool and Dopinder SLAP BOTH HANDS.

DEADPOOL
Time to make the chimichangas.
 129.

86 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 86

We hear the first bold notes of DMX’s ‘X GON GIVE IT TO YA.’
DEADPOOL, COLOSSUS, and NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD walk in
SLO- MO across the scrapyard toward the COMBAT CARRIER.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Not often a dude ruins your face.
Destroys your living. Grabs your
future baby mama. Personally sees
to 8 of your 10 shittiest life
moments. And plans to lather-rinse-
repeat on a buncha new chumps.
Let’s just say, it’s beginning to
look a lot like Christmas.

This is as cool as Deadpool has ever looked. Muscles

sprouting muscles. Katanas gleaming. Then, at the height of
his coolness, Deadpool STOPS, sensing something amiss.
DMX cuts out. REGULAR SPEED RESUMES as Deadpool looks down to
spy his FLY DOWN. He ZIPS it UP, embarrassed.
DEADPOOL
(to camera)
It happens. A’ight, cue up DMX
again.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD
Wait! Where’s your duffel bag?
DEADPOOL
(freezes, it’s missing)
Gahhhhhhh!
(pulls out a phone,
dials)

87 INT. TAXI CAB - DAY 87

DOPINDER drives, head bobbing to a Bhangra Beat, HELLO KITTY
DUFFEL still sitting in the passenger WHEEL WELL.
On cue, Dopinder’s CELL PHONE RINGS. Dopinder reaches for it,
then fumbles it away. The phone falls to the floorboard.
 130.

Dopinder looks ahead, sees the approaching traffic light is

green, ducks down to make a grab, but when he returns his
eyes to the road, the light is now red.
Dopinder slams on his brakes. SCREECH! He manages to avoid
the car in front. BAM! The taxi is REAR-ENDED, its TRUNK
SMASHED like an accordion. We hear a HOLLER from inside.
DOPINDER
Bandhu?

88 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 88

DEADPOOL
(hears crash)
Goddamnit! Never mind. Nothing that
can’t be fixed by two swords and--
(cracks neck)
--maximum effort.
(points to imaginary
D.J.)
Gimme a beat!
DMX KICKS IN AGAIN. Deadpool strides forward in SLO-MO.
As they near the carrier a dozen armed and armored MERCS
suddenly rise from behind the piles of scrap metal before
them. Assault weapons raised, ready to fire.
The trio stops, Colossus stepping in front of NTW, sheltering
her behind his armored body.
ANGEL DUST (O.S.)
No one fires!

Our heroes crane their necks to spy ANGEL DUST standing on

the edge of the deck above.
ANGEL DUST (CONT’D)
They’re mine.

Angel Dust LEAPS outward, falls like a stone, HITS the ground
with a THUNDEROUS impact. The dust clears. She strides over
the broken ground, smiling, READY for a scrap.
 131.

DEADPOOL
Long term, that’s hard on your
knees.
(ALT:)
Super-hero landing! Clearly you’re
far too much dude for me. Which is
why--
(points)
--I brought him.

COLOSSUS steps forward into Angel Dust’s path holding a pair

of Adamantium HANDCUFFS just like he used on Deadpool.
COLOSSUS
I’d prefer not to hit a woman. So
please place your hands behind
your-

BOOM! Without stopping Angel Dust throws a RIGHT HOOK from

her HEELS. The punch CONNECTS with COLOSSUS’s JAW. He goes
flying, SCRAPING SPARKS ACROSS CONCRETE.
DEADPOOL
(sighs, points)
I also brought her.

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD steps forward on Deadpool’s right.

NTW chews her gum. Once. Twice. Then runs TOWARD Angel Dust,
LOWERS her SHOULDER, and EXPLODES UP toward her with a
WICKEDLY THUNDEROUS BANG of ENERGY and SOUND.
Yes, Negasonic Teenage Warhead is exactly that - a living,
breathing WARHEAD - like her own personal CANNONBALL.
It’s Angel Dust’s turn to go flying backward, smashing into -
and completely trashing - a heavy metal shipping container.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I feel sorry for the guy who tries
to pressure her into prom sex.
 132.

Angel Dust regains her feet, smiles dangerously at the Mercs.

ANGEL DUST
Never mind. Fire.

Deadpool is already moving as the Mercs OPEN FIRE, full-auto.

Deadpool grabs the still-woozy NTW and runs to the nearby
cover of metal scrap, keeping between her and the gunfire.
Colossus, now back on his feet, strides purposely forward.
Bullets ping harmlessly off his metal skin. Angel Dust
charges forward, snarling.
DEADPOOL
(shouts)
Finish fucking her the fuck up.

Colossus stops, annoyed.

COLOSSUS
Language. Please.

Then Angel Dust SMASHES into him. The two collide with earth-
shaking force. The sheer power of Angel Dust’s momentum slams
them backwards into-and through-a huge pile of scrap.

89 INT. FLIGHT DECK - DAY 89

AJAX pulls VANESSA forward to the edge of the carrier deck,
forces her gaze downward toward the WAR ZONE below.
AJAX
 133.

How does it feel? Ex-boyfriend

abandons you, becomes a sanity-
challenged killer mutant in
tights...

VANESSA
Says the sanity-challenged killer
mutant in parachute pants. P.S.
I’ve never played the role of
damsel in distress.

AJAX
‘Til now.

Ajax yanks Vanessa away from the edge again.

90 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 90

Every MERC is pouring fire towards Deadpool’s position. He
hunkers down with NTW, her hands clamped tight over her ears.
Deadpool unzips a zipper, reaches into his suit at the
crotch, YANKS. Grimaces. We hear fabric tear. He pulls his
hand out, waves a pair of torn TIGHTIE-WHITIES up from behind
cover.
DEADPOOL
Hey, fellas, whoa! Hold on!
Don’tcha wanna hear my terms?!

The mercs spot the white ‘flag.’ Fire slackens from full-
auto to a few pot-shots. Finally, Deadpool pops up.
 134.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You guys only work for that shit-
spackled Muppet fart! So I’m gonna
give y’all the chance to lay down
your firearms in return for
preferential - bordering on gentle
- possibly even lover-like
treatment.

The Mercs ignore him, opening fire AGAIN with a vengeance.

Deadpool ducks and drops his tightie-whities.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Fine. Commando.
(to NTW)
Stay down, kid. Unless your power’s
stopping bullets.

Deadpool SURGES forward, dives from cover, rolls. He comes up

boot knife out, arm whipping forward-
The nearest merc's head snaps back as the knife buries itself
to the hilt in his eye socket.
Deadpool sprints forward, zig-zagging, leaping, spinning as
he closes the distance to the mercs. He's moving too fast for
their guns to track. Bullets chew up the ground behind.

Deadpool reaches the first pile of twisted metal, slides

under, comes up behind two mercs taking shelter there. The
first man turns, gun barrel swinging ‘round. Deadpool ducks,
sweeps his legs, grabs his gun as he goes down.
Deadpool rolls over him, firing BACKWARD into the man's face
while spinning up to smash his boot into the face of the
second merc. He slides past, firing a burst backward into the
merc’s neck as he falls.
Seconds later he’s leaping OVER the heads of the next pair of
mercs. They turn to fire up at him - too slow. He fires
short, controlled bursts down into their upturned faces.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Deadpool lands, tosses the empty smoking gun. Then slowly,
lovingly, unsheathes his Katanas.
 135.

Deadpool is running forward now, weaving his way through the

wreckage. Hunting.

91 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 91

COLOSSUS and ANGEL DUST engage in a BATTLE ROYALE. Colossus
grabs Angel Dust by the SCRUFF of her NECK and HURLS her into
an ABANDONED AIRCRAFT. CRUNCH.
Angel Dust is on one knee, shaken, disheveled, one BREAST
hanging out of her torn flak jacket.

The prim Colossus covers his eyes.

COLOSSUS
Uh, you seem to have, um--

Angel Dust smiles, tucks the wayward boob back in, then
BLASTS Colossus with a FLYING KNEE that generates SHOCK WAVES
so powerful, Colossus’ CHROME actually RIPPLES.
Colossus growls and CHARGES AGAIN.
CUT TO: DEADPOOL spins around a corner as another pair of
MERCS move forward, guns raised.
Deadpool dives under their fire, guts them in blurred flash
of steel. THRUST! SLICE! IMPALE! COMPLETE MAYHEM.
Another trio of mercs rush around the corner, opening fire as
they see their comrades fall. DEADPOOL runs toward them,
flips and dodges like a whirling dervish, bringing GUARDS
down in surgical, artistic fashion, as if where he’s killing
them means as much to him as how.
Two men converge on Deadpool. He JUMPS. Mid-air, he flips his
TWO KATANAS, GRIPS them upside-down like ICE PICKS, and STABS
down in an arc to either side, SKEWERING two men through the
TOPS of their HELMETS.
A final merc comes around the corner and Deadpool spins,
slices the strap of his gun, kicks the man in the chest,
knocking him flat on his back and sitting on his face.
DEADPOOL
 136.

Tea-bag!
(notices man under him)
Bob?!

BOB
Wade?!

DEADPOOL
It’s been since Jacksonville!

BOB
TGIFridays.

DEADPOOL
Liked the Loaded Potato Skins.
Didn’t like you.

BOB
Ditto.

Deadpool rises and pulls Bob to his feet. Bob tries to draw a
pistol but DP slaps it out of his hand, sends it skittering
away.
DEADPOOL
Bob, y’mind taking a half-step
right? No, your right. Never mind-
 137.

Deadpool KNOCKS Bob OUT with the sword’s GRIP, then NUDGES
him sideways gently as he falls.
At last, SILENCE. Deadpool steps forward. Then looks up
toward the carrier above, waves.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Yoo-hoo!

From above, AJAX peers down sees that Deadpool has killed his
henchmen in such precise positions that their fallen bodies
spell out: FRANCIS.
Deadpool moves forward. LIMPING. CHARRED. TATTERED. But
unbowed.
AJAX
That never gets old. But neither
will you.

Right on cue three more Mercs appear to either side of Ajax,

armed with HEAVY MACHINE GUNS - much NASTIER than any we’ve
yet seen.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM! The guards OPEN FIRE, and a BARRAGE of
bullets rain down on the scrapyard, chewing up the landscape
around Deadpool.
Deadpool SPRINTS back toward cover, weaving, leaping, zig-
zagging to avoid being hit. He dives behind some wreckage as
more gunfire pings off the metal.
DEADPOOL, pokes his head up, drawing a withering barrage of
fire from the mercs above.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.)
Hey!

ANGLE ON: NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD, also taking cover,

crouched under a broken PLANE WING.
 138.

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT’D)

Climb on.

Deadpool nods, then sprints toward her, springs high, flips,

and lands on his back, spread eagled on the wing.
DEADPOOL
Light the candle.

NTW nonchalantly SPITS out her GUM, crouches, and EXPLODES

UPWARD. The wing LAUNCHES up in a shallow PARABOLA, Deadpool
CLINGING for dear life on TOP.

92 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 92

Four MERCS continue firing down as the wing soars up.
The WING SMASHES into them. All four go FLYING. Two end up
DEAD under the wing.
AJAX is thrown backward.
One MERC lands, stunned, close to the edge. A LONG BEAT.

AJAX rises to his feet.

Then DEADPOOL pulls himself UP over the edge of the carrier
and ROLLS onto the deck. He looks like he’s been through a
meat grinder - limping, scorched, bloody.
Deadpool staggers to his feet. The last injured MERC lamely
tries to GRAB his ANKLE.
DEADPOOL
Your plan to trip me to death? Has
failed.
 139.

Deadpool nonchalantly STABS him through the back of the neck

like a butterfly on a display, then turns to face Ajax.
Twenty meters away, AJAX leans casually against, what else?
THE PUNCH-BOWL. VANESSA is STRAPPED inside, lid open.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
You were right, babe.
(wipes blood off sword)
Red is my color.

VANESSA
Wade?

AJAX
(taps glass)
What better way to climb back in
your head.

DEADPOOL
You never left.

VANESSA
(to Deadpool)
But you did, asshole.

AJAX
You two have a lot to work out.
Take a deep breath. Wait. Wrong
choice--
 140.

Ajax quickly CLOSES the LID and hits a SWITCH. Vanessa starts
taking short, desperate GASPS.
AJAX (CONT’D)
--of words.

DEADPOOL
I hope they blocked pain to your
every last nerve. ‘Cause I’m’a go
looking.

Ajax squats down and picks up TWO STEEL-HAFTED FIRE-FIGHTING

AXES, each with an ULTRA-SHARP BLADE on one side of its head
and an EQUALLY SHARP CLAW on the other.
Deadpool raises a KATANA and HURLS it NOT at Ajax, but the
PUNCH-BOWL. The blade PENETRATES the PLEXI and tears into the
RESTRAINT holding Vanessa’s RIGHT WRIST, partly FRAYING it.
AIR seeps through the CRACK. Vanessa catches a tiny BREATH.
She TUGS on the frayed RESTRAINT.
AJAX
I hear you grow back parts. When I
get done, parts will have to grow
back you.

DEADPOOL
Good one.

A big BOOMING sound from below and then the deck of the
carrier shakes as if from a mild earthquake. Ajax and
Deadpool look at each other. Shrug.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Let’s dance.
(beat)
And by dance I mean try to kill
each other.
 141.

93 EXT. SCRAPYARD - CONTINUOUS 93

BAM! Below, COLOSSUS delivers a HAYMAKER from hell itself.
Angel Dust FALLS, then RISES, RIPS OFF the WING of a PLANE,
and BLASTS Colossus with it, first like a BASEBALL BAT, then
like a GOLF CLUB, then like a COUNTY FAIR MALLETS you use to
try to ring a bell. CLANG!
A battered NTW RACES toward Angel Dust. Angel Dust swings the
wing, but NTW BASEBALL SLIDES UNDER it and EXPLODES up into
her chin.
Angel Dust is lifted off her feet into the side of the
carrier, BUCKLING some of its supports. NTW rolls aside.

94 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 94

And now, we get what we’ve been long been waiting for:
THE FINAL CLOSE QUARTERS BATTLE between DEADPOOL AND AJAX.
AXES vs. KATANA, TEN STORIES UP.
AJAX TAKES a MIGHTY, ROARING SWING with an AXE.

DEADPOOL
Yowww!

STEEL SINGS as AXE and KATANA meet again and again. THRUSTS.
PARRIES. SPARKS FLY!
THUNK! Deadpool’s BLADE passes through Ajax’s THIGH and pins
him to a piece of wreckage.
CRACK! Ajax tags Deadpool’s head with the FLAT of an axe.
SNAP! Ajax BREAKS the sword’s blade with an AXE, not feeling
anything as he slides his leg off the sword.
 142.

GASP! VANESSA grits her teeth, pulls against the restraints.

The thick nylon begins to tear as she saws it against the
katana blade.
CLANG! AJAX wields both axes in a red blur of painted steel.
Deadpool snatches up a piece of rusted RAILING from the deck,
barely blocks Ajax’s windmilling swings.
Finally, Ajax smashes the length of rusty metal from
Deadpool’s hands with one axe, while the sharp CLAW END of
the other buries itself in Deadpool’s FOREARM. Deadpool
hollers.
Deadpool’s red suit has torn away, and the SKULL of his
TATTOO bleeds from a HOLE in its FOREHEAD.
Deadpool GRITS his TEETH and YANKS the AXE from Ajax’s grasp.
A spinning KICK sends the second axe flying after the first.
Now they’re completely unarmed.
AJAX
Fine. Fists.

DEADPOOL
Sounds like your last Saturday
night.
(smiles)
The sense of humor survived.

AJAX and DEADPOOL TRADE VICIOUS PUNCHES. It’s HAGLER vs.

HEARNS! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Inspired, VANESSA strains against the torn nylon. RRRRIPPP!
Her right wrist TEARS FREE. She uses her freed hand to start
unlatching her other restraints.
DEADPOOL throws short, blinding PUNCHES - rat-a-tat-tat -
into AJAX’s jaw.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Since you can’t feel it?
(holds up an INCISOR)
I just knocked out your tooth.
 143.

AJAX snarls, drives a SHOULDER into Deadpool, then MOUNTS him

and BLUDGEONS his face with HAMMER-LIKE FISTS.
DEADPOOL is starting to LOSE CONSCIOUSNESS when he turns his
head to one side and spies the PUNCH-BOWL.
We RACK FOCUS to VANESSA locking eyes with him from inside.
Hers is an inspired and INSPIRING look of LOVE.
We hear a REPRISE of JOHN DENVER’s ‘I WANT TO LIVE.’
VANESSA pushes against the sealed door of the punchbowl with
all her might. With a squeal of metal the latch breaks, the
twisted metal flying off the lid as it slams open.

Vanessa grabs the KATANA, jerks it free with another mighty

effort. Then slides down the containers toward AJAX. With a
fierce scream, she PLUNGES the blade into his KIDNEY. The
blade punches through the other side but Ajax feels no pain,
YANKS out the katana, and THROWS Vanessa aside violently.
But it’s all the opportunity Deadpool needs. He SURGES with
energy and throws an THUNDEROUS UPPERCUT, BLASTING Ajax off.
JOHN DENVER
I want to liiiiiive!

95 EXT. SCRAPYARD - DAY 95

Below: WHOOSH, BAM! Angel Dust ducks an exhausted Colossus’s
punch and KICKS him THROUGH another STEEL SUPPORT. Colossus
COLLAPSES. The carrier GROANS.
Angel Dust moves in for the KILL. Only out of nowhere NTW
strikes her in the chops and EXPLODES, sending the larger
woman SMASHING into concrete with UNPRECEDENTED FORCE.
Now it’s Angel Dust’s turn to be broken, smoking, seemingly
down for the count. NTW approaches carefully to make certain
it’s all over but Angel Dust shoots out an arm and GRABS her,
DRAGS her in CLOSE, makes to SMASH her head like a walnut.
ANGEL DUST
C’mere, ya little bitch.
 144.

NTW fights back valiantly, PUNCHING fast and hard with

FLURRIES of ENERGY. Angel Dust is scorched and battered by
the blows, but her adrenaline and rage SURGE. She grabs NTW
around the neck, plants her into the ground and begins to
CHOKE the life out of her. NTW flails, cannot break Angel
Dust’s grip but marshals her last remaining energy to live up
to her name and EXPLODE like an ALMIGHTY WARHEAD.
BOOM!
CUT WIDE to a GARGANTUAN EXPLOSION.
The ship SHAKES VIOLENTLY, then starts to LIST at a DANGEROUS
ANGLE.

96 EXT. FLIGHT DECK - CONTINUOUS 96

DEADPOOL and AJAX are trading BLOWS again when the DECK SWAYS
as if hit by a 9.0 EARTHQUAKE. Then with a thunderous,
shuddering, groaning of metal the whole carrier begins to
tilt.
Loose wreckage begins to slide and tumble past. A shipping
container barrels towards them and Deadpool kicks Ajax
backwards, right into its path. SLAM! It plows into him and
carries him with it as it disappears over the side.

Deadpool scrambles and claws up the tilting floor and grabs

hold of Vanessa.
Deadpool looks around frantically and then spies the PUNCH-
BOWL, sliding toward them.
Deadpool grabs the side as it slides past and throws VANESSA
inside and SHUTS the LID for protection.
They slam into the twisted metal railings at the bottom of
the deck and hang there. Deadpool swings by one hand and
stares at the scrapyard below. Huge chunks of metal slide and
smash past to tumble to the ground a hundred feet below.
Vanessa hangs onto Deadpool for dear life, her eyes locked on
his...
VANESSA
 145.

If we survive this. I’m gonna kill

you.

DEADPOOL
We have so much to catch up on.

--as the CARRIER topples in an AVALANCHE of STEEL!

An EPIC collapse of SHRIEKING METAL. Flying glass. Nearly
seismic booms. A mushroom CLOUD of thick, black destruction.
FADE TO BLACK.

97 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 97

Black. A crack of light appears, dust sifting down through
the beam.
More light, more dust and debris pattering down onto-some
kind of scratched glass in front of the lens. Finally a hole
of bright sky fills the frame.
CUT TO: COLOSSUS vigorously TOSSING aside MASSIVE SLABS of
STEEL as he digs through the wreckage, uncovering the PUNCH-
BOWL, damaged, but intact. The LID CREAKS OPEN - pushed by
Vanessa’s TREMBLING HAND.
Vanessa climbs out dazed, dusty, coughing.
COLOSSUS
You’re OK. Take it slow.

Elsewhere in the rubble pile DEADPOOL’s HEAD POPS UP from

some DEBRIS, again, like the Caddyshack gopher.
DEADPOOL
I’m good.
 146.

Deadpool is just staggering to his feet when AJAX emerges

from under another BEAM and TACKLES him.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
¡Caramba!
(subtitled, in YELLOW:)
For heaven’s sake!

The impact sends them both flying, rolling, over the edge of
a metal container. They fall locked together, punching and
grappling. They bounce/slide down the pile of rubble.
Deadpool gets the better of the grappling and lands on AJAX’s
CHEST. He goes to TOWN with vicious FOREARMS and ELBOWS.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Wham! Wham! Wham!

BAM! BAM! BAM. Bam. You can feel Deadpool’s adrenalized

catharsis. Ajax tries to block-CRACK! Deadpool shatters his
elbow. Ajax other fist swings round, tags Deadpool, but he
catches it, wraps it tight-SNAP!
Ajax finally goes limp, both arms bent in horribly wrong
directions.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(thrilled/exhausted)
There are no words.

Deadpool pulls out BLIND AL’s SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL and AIMS
it right BETWEEN AJAX’s EYES.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Me and you are headed to fix this
face. Or else...
 147.

Deadpool places a piece of paper onto Ajax’s chest.

Ajax shakes off the cobwebs and examines the paper; it’s
Deadpool’s CRAYON DRAWING of Ajax getting his brains blown
out. Ajax actually LAUGHS.
AJAX
Sorry. It’s just. All this time,
you bought that I have the cure?
I’m flattered. But do I really look
like the scientist type? You want
the guy behind the guy. His name’s
Dr. Killebrew. And he’s long gone.
Who knows where.

DEADPOOL
Um. What?

AJAX
You heard me.

DEADPOOL
You mean to say, after five long
years, I’ve been chasing the wrong
monkey?

AJAX
Sounds even stupider when you say
it.

DEADPOOL
 148.

Like the kind of stupid who admits

he can’t do the one thing I’m
keeping him alive for?
(chambers a round)
Any last words? Good. I got one:
(pulls back the hammer)
Francis.

COLOSSUS (O.S.)
Wade!

Deadpool turns to see Colossus, hands on hips, looking extra

HEROIC. NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD is STANDING at his SIDE.
COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
Four or five moments.

DEADPOOL
I’m sorry?

COLOSSUS
Four or five moments. That’s all it
takes--

DEADPOOL
To?

COLOSSUS
 149.

Be a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a

full time job. Wake up a hero.
Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work
a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime,
there are only four or five moments
that really matter. Moments when
you’re offered a choice. To make a
sacrifice. Conquer a flaw. Save a
friend. Spare an enemy.

Deadpool continues to hold the pistol to Ajax’s head.

COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
In those moments, everything else
falls away. The way the world sees
us. The way we see oursel-

BOOM! OFF-SCREEN, A GUNSHOT.

COLOSSUS (CONT’D)
(dry-heaves again)
Huuugglh! Why!

REVERSE ANGLE to Deadpool, who’s just shot AJAX in the head

with Blind Al’s SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL.
DEADPOOL
You were droning on!
(shrugs)
I may be stuck looking like
pepperoni flatbread, but at least
we’ve heard the last of him. If
wearing super-hero tights means
sparing psychopaths, maybe I wasn’t
meant to wear ‘em. Not everyone
monitors a hall like you.

COLOSSUS
 150.

Just promise-

DEADPOOL
I’ll be on the lookout for the next
four moments.
(peers between Colossus
and NTW)
Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m just a
boy about to stand in front of a
girl and tell her- what the fuck am
I gonna tell her?!

CUT TO: Deadpool’s P.O.V. BETWEEN Colossus and NTW of

VANESSA, who’s now walking quickly TOWARD him. She brushes
between the two X-men and without saying a word, GRABS the
fallen PISTOL and PUMPS TWO EXTRA BULLETS into Ajax’s corpse.
VANESSA
(bang)
Gratuitous.
(bang)
Worth it.

DEADPOOL
(to camera)
Anyone else turned on?
(to Vanessa)
That’s what I love about y-

Vanessa promptly PUNCHES Deadpool in the face.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
I totally deserved that!
(gets punched again)
That too!
(wards off knee)
Maybe not the nethers.
 151.

Vanessa restrains herself, then TURNS HER BACK, overcome.

VANESSA
Start talking.

DEADPOOL
I’m so sorry. For leaving. And
taking so long to cowboy up. It’s
been a rough few years.

VANESSA
(snorts, dismissive)
Rough?

DEADPOOL
I live in a crack house. With a
family of twelve. At night, we
spoon for warmth. Everyone fights
for Noelle. She’s the fattest.
There’s nothing we don’t share.
Floor space. Dental floss. Condoms.

VANESSA
So you live in a house!
(turns to face him)

DEADPOOL
I woulda found you before now. But
the guy behind this mask isn’t the
same guy you remember.
 152.

VANESSA
You mean this mask?

Deadpool FLINCHES but doesn’t STOP Vanessa from slowly,

gently taking OFF his mask, revealing underneath HUGH
JACKMAN’s ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’ People MAGAZINE COVER. Blood at
the pierce points. Mouth/eyes cut out to make a ‘mask.’
DEADPOOL
And this one. In case the other
fell off.

VANESSA
You mean like this?

Vanessa starts PULLING OUT staples.

DEADPOOL
Oo. Ah. Quicker - like a Bandaid!
Owww- di 5000.

One last staple remains. Vanessa hesitates.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Sure?

VANESSA
Sure I’m sure.
 153.

She PULLS it out. The photo FALLS, revealing DEADPOOL’s

SCARS. And two vulnerable, misty eyes. A beat.
VANESSA (CONT’D)
Ew.

DEADPOOL
(devastated)
I understand.

VANESSA
(smiles)
Kidding! Get over yourself! I’d hit
that shit.

DEADPOOL
You already did.
(rubs chin)
Twice. Seriously?

VANESSA
(nods)
After a brief adjustment period and
one or two drinks.
(smiles)
It’s a face-- I’d be happy to sit
on.

Vanessa hooks Deadpool’s PINKIE with HERS, PULLS him in to

kiss him.
DEADPOOL
 154.

I’m also not the same under these

pants.
(whispers)
Super-penis.

Deadpool and Vanessa are ABOUT to kiss when...

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (O.S.)
1975 called.

Deadpool realizes COLOSSUS and NTW are still standing

WATCHING.
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD (CONT’D)
It wants its peep show back.

DEADPOOL
Gah! What the hell are you two
still doing here?!
(to Colossus)
You, go clean some chalk-board
erasers, or be a really Big
Brother, or teach fat kids to eat
lettuce.
(to NTW)
And you, Chicken Noodle. Well--
(freezes)
I feel something stupid coming on.
(bounces)
Gaaaaaaahhhhhh!

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD

It’s alright.
(beat, tiniest of smiles)
You’re cool.
 155.

DEADPOOL
(STARES, elated)
I am?! Omigod. That. Was. Not.
Mean! Seriously, guys, it was a
pleasure. For a second there, we
felt like-- like--
(we expect ‘family’)
--five mini lion robots forming a
large super robot.

NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD

There’s the stupid.

DEADPOOL
Now, I meant it, both of you, fire
up the Blackbird and shoo! Scram!
Vamoose! Skedaddle! Don’t make me
keep thinking of these!

They smile, shake their heads, and walk off.

Deadpool turns back to Vanessa.

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
Where were we, darlin’? Oh,
riiight. The best part.

Deadpool KISSES Vanessa. The little kiss become a BIGGER ONE.

Then fading up from nowhere, with a slightly tinny quality we
hear WHAM!’s ‘CARELESS WHISPER.’ Vanessa pulls back, puzzled.
Deadpool raises his ANDROID. On the cracked and dirty screen,
George’s and Andrew’s FACES beam from Wham!’s ‘MAKE IT BIG’
album cover.
DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
‘Wham!’ As promised.
 156.

The two share the longest kiss yet.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
See, life can smell like Daffodil
Daydream. So if you’re sitting out
there in your own personal Punch-
Bowl. Ms. Mama June on your tongue.
Find someone to hold and someone to
hold on to you. Life’s next little
train wreck--

98 INT. NEW WORKSHOP - DAY 98

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
--will be so much easier if you do.

We find ourselves in a newer, spiffier version of the

WORKSHOP, where a LAB TECHNICIAN is strapping down a new
sickly VOLUNTEER/VICTIM.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Which brings us to shittiest moment
number 1! The guy behind the guy,
Dr. Killebrew, off scot-free.

A SILHOUETTED FIGURE approaches the bed of the nervous

volunteer, who smiles weakly.
VOLUNTEER
Can you make me better?
 157.

REVERSE ANGLE to reveal whom he’s talking to: the PUDGY,

KINDLY-LOOKING DOCTOR WHO STROKED WADE’S HEAD IN THE
WORKSHOP. He smiles, pats the volunteer’s wrist.
DR. KILLEBREW
Better than better.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
But let’s look on the bright side.
(sniffs)
You smell what I smell? I mean
besides stale popcorn and my post-
fight man-funk?

Dr. Killebrew holds up a syringe with a glint in his eye.

DEADPOOL (V.O.)
Sequel. Maybe even one of those
ensemble team movies.

99 EXT. SCRAPYARD - RUBBLE PILE - DAY 99

DEADPOOL and Vanessa MAKE OUT LIKE CRAZY, LONG AND HARD. We
slowly PULL BACK until they look SMALL against the toppled
hulk of the COMBAT CARRIER.
DEADPOOL (V.O.)
So, ‘til next time, this is your
friendly neighborhood pool guy
saying-- I’m never gonna dance
again-- the way I danced with you.

WHAM BELTS OUT ‘CARELESS WHISPER’ as we ROLL CREDITS.

 158.

100 INT. SUBURBAN HOME - DAY - POST CREDIT SEQUENCE 100

A hallway of a suburban home. DEADPOOL enters in a maroon and
gray striped robe.
DEADPOOL
(short version)
You’re still here? It’s over! Go
home. Wait-- you expected a tease
for Deadpool 2?! Sorry, we’re low
on dough. But if you can keep a
secret, I can tell you who’s gonna
be in it. Cable! Someone suggested
Mel Gibson for the role, buuuut- I
was thinking Liam Neeson. Only
problem, Liam likes to get paid.
And more for Liam means less for
me. Maybe we’ll crowdfund the shit.
Just you and me, kids. Shalom!

DEADPOOL (CONT’D)
(long version)
You’re still here? It’s over! Go
home. Wait-- you expected a tease
for Deadpool 2?! Maybe a little
Samuel L. Jackson? Sorry, that
budget went to Weasel’s Ketamine
habit. But if you can keep a
secret, I can tell you who’s gonna
be in it. Cable! You’re allowed to
show your pleasure. I’d love Liam
Neeson for the role, but Liam likes
to get paid. And more for Liam
means less for me. So we’d best
crowdfund the shit. Depending on
your level of giving, you could
receive a Colossus-brand desktop
steel-ball clacker, a Dwayne ‘The
Rock’ Johnson real doll, or four
minutes alone in a room with
Charlie Sheen. Donate now! And
shalom!
SMASH CUT TO BLACK:
DEADPOOL (O.S.) (CONT’D)
(a la Ferris)
Boom, boom, chicka chickah--