Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,

Transgender, Queer and

Questioning Communities

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Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Questioning Intimate Partner Violence

Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence/abuse) is defined as a pattern of behaviors utilized by
one partner (the abuser or batterer) to exert and maintain control over another person (the survivor or victim)
where there exists an intimate, loving and dependent relationship.

Most of the activity in recent years that has brought attention to domestic violence and the responses to it has
been designed to assist women in heterosexual relationships.  It is not unusual to encounter definitions of
domestic violence that characterize it more or less exclusively as a heterosexual women's problem.  Certainly,
women in heterosexual relationships account for a very large proportion of the individuals victimized by
domestic violence in the world today, for reasons that clearly stem from the longstanding subjugation of women
in male dominated societies.

Still, the patterns of abusive behavior observed in many types of relationships, including those in which partners
share the same gender, very often exhibit the same dynamics as those present in abusive intimate heterosexual
relationships.  We now recognize that in addition to the sexist controls created and perpetuated in the larger
patriarchal culture, there is a multitude of ways our society (and the LGBTQ community) bestows entitlements
and control to some people based on various aspects of identity (race, gender expression, ability, immigration
status, age, class, etc.) and that this manner of privilege is often used as a means to oppress and maintain control
within an abusive relationship. 

In a situation of intimate partner violence, there is abuse of the survivor by the batterer through the use of
coercive and abusive behaviors that result in the batterer's having all - or virtually - all of the control over the
resources and decision-making for both parties and for the relationship.  It is defined by the lack of ability of the
survivor to make independent decisions or exercise agency without harmful consequences from the batterer. 
This is often marked by the survivor's having feelings of fear and dread much of the time in relation to the
anticipated reactions and actions of the batterer.  The survivor becomes increasingly isolated and dependent;
their world becomes increasingly smaller and more restricted. 

The Prevalence of LGBTQ Domestic Violence

It’s important to note that domestic violence occurs in every part of our community, to LGBTQ people of every
race, ethnicity, class, age, ability or disability, education level, and religion.

While LGBTQ domestic violence is becoming the focus of increasing research attention, it has thus far not been
examined with anything near the thoroughness afforded to heterosexual domestic violence, and attempts thus
far have been further limited by lack of resources and unfettered access to LGBTQ communities and victims. 
As a result, estimates of the prevalence of LGBTQ domestic violence remain highly speculative and there is a
complete lack of scientific research on domestic violence among transgender and intersex individuals.

One might criticize the sample sizes and methodologies of some of the studies that have been done, but the
remarkable uniformity of their findings strongly suggests that domestic violence is experienced by a large
percentage of LGBTQ individuals at some point in their lives.  Consequently, most LGBTQ domestic violence
researchers and service practitioners start from the point of view that domestic violence in LGBTQ relationships
is just as widespread as domestic violence in relationships between heterosexual couples.  Rather extensive
studies of the latter suggest a prevalence ranging from 20%-35%, depending on the definition of domestic
violence used. 

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Barriers in Addressing LGBTQ Domestic Violence

Despite the prevalence of this issue, social service, criminal justice and medical personnel remain largely
deficient in their ability to serve LGBTQ people who are the victims of domestic violence.  Most mainstream
agencies do not have any training or particular programs to provide for the unique needs of LGBTQ survivors
of domestic violence.  In fact there is tremendous denial in the mainstream domestic violence response
community and the LGBTQ community of the existence of domestic violence in lives of LGBTQ women. 
When LGBTQ survivors do reach out, their needs are often dismissed and disregarded or met with homophobic
responses about LGBTQ people and relationships. 

These specific barriers facing LGBTQ survivors of domestic violence, coupled with the obstacles facing all
women seeking refuge from abuse, means that most LGBTQ survivors of domestic violence continue to exist in
isolation, suffering long-term psychological, emotional and physical harm.  Even in the best cases, providers
frequently lack the skills necessary to respond appropriately to same-sex violence. Well-meaning and otherwise
knowledgeable providers often fail to identify domestic violence in same-sex relationships and consequently do
not respond appropriately. 

Additionally, domestic violence advocates may not be aware of the differences in legal protections and access
available to LGBTQ people and therefore may refer them or manage their cases inappropriately.  For instance
many of the laws and policies set up in states to address heterosexual domestic violence do not apply to same-
sex couples. 

Special Issues in LGBTQ Domestic Violence

While many aspects of LGBTQ domestic violence are similar to those experienced by heterosexual victims, it is
not in all ways identical.  Perpetrators often attempt highly specific forms of abuse based on identity and
community dynamics, including:

 "Outing" or threatening to out a partner's sexual orientation or gender identity to family, employer,
police, religious institution, community, in child custody disputes, or in other situations where this may
pose a threat.

 Reinforcing fears that no one will help the victim because s/he is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender,
or that for this reason, the partner "deserves" the abuse.

 Alternatively, justifying abuse with the notion that a partner is not "really" lesbian, gay, bisexual or
transgender (i.e. the victim may once have had, or may still have relationships, or express a gender
identity, inconsistent with the abuser's definitions of these terms).  This can be used both as a tool in
verbal and emotional abuse as well as to further the isolation of a victim from community.

 Telling the survivor that abusive behavior is a normal part of LGBTQ relationships, or that it cannot be
domestic violence because it is occurring between LGBTQ individuals.

 Monopolizing support resources through an abuser's manipulation of friends and family supports and
generating sympathy and trust in order to cut off these resources to the survivor.  This is a particular
issue to LGBTQ people and others living in small insular communities, where there are few community
specific resources, neighborhoods or social outlets.

 Portraying the violence as mutual and even consensual, especially if the partner attempts to defend
against it, or as an expression of masculinity or some other "desirable" trait.

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  Depicting the abuse as part of sado-masochistic (S/M) activity.  Domestic violence can exist in S/M
relationships but it is not implicit, nor unique to this type of relationship.  Domestic Violence is not S/M,
nor should any non-consensual violent or abusive acts that take place outside of a pre-arranged scene or
in violation of pre-determined safe words or boundaries be considered part of, or justified as, a normal
S/M relationship.

 LGBTQ people experience IPV at about the same rate as the heterosexual population.

 Domestic violence is drastically under-reported in the LGBTQ community.

http://ncavp.org/issues/DomesticViolence.aspx

Assumptions and Stereotypes of LGBTQ Individuals

Some of the assumptions and stereotypes of LGBTQ communities include:

 It’s a disease/disorder
 All they need is a good man/woman
 Gay men are child molesters/pedophiles
 Lesbians hate men
 All lesbians are radical, far left politicos
 Lesbians are unattractive and can’t find men who like them
 LGBTQ people can be “cured”
 They are sex maniacs/perverts
 Gay men are good dressers, interior designers
 LBGTQ people don’t want/can’t have long term relationships
 Lesbians really want to be men, gay men really just want to be women
 Homosexuality is “unnatural”
 Bisexuals just can’t decide what they want OR will have sex with anyone
 Gays and lesbians try to recruit straight people
 There’s no such thing as sexual assault/abuse in the LGBTQ communities (homosexual rape is not real
rape) (gender issues – two men equals a fair fight, women can’t be perpetrators)

LGBTQ individuals you are working with on the hotline are coming with all these things in mind, which makes
their reaching out perhaps even more courageous than other survivors. Sometimes the individuals maybe be
dealing with internalized homophobia (homophobia is often internalized by someone who is having difficulty
with his/her own gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation, a direct result of heterosexism). We see this with sexual
assault and domestic violence survivors. Many survivors feel the violence was somehow their fault; that they
are to blame and the perpetrator has probably told them so. This can be an added and significant layer of
shame/blame/guilt for LGBTQ survivors. (i.e. “maybe somehow I deserve this hate crime or this abuse by my
partner because it really is wrong to be gay”).

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Impediments to Seeking Services

 Self-blame and shame

 Fear of losing economic support
 Desire to salvage relationship
 Fear of being judged, looked down on, treated badly (justifiable, based on past experiences)
 Fear of being outed to family, employer (powerful control method)
 Fear they will not receive competent and respectful treatment (counseling, medical exam, shelter)
 LGBTQ victims of sexual and domestic violence may feel double shame—reflecting badly on “the
community”
 Having to come out repeatedly to each person in the process, each time exposing themselves to possible
negative reactions

Tips on Being Inclusive

 Remember that the language you use matters:

 “Decide” vs. Discover

 “Admit” vs. Acknowledge, Shared, Reported
 “Preference” vs. Orientation

People don’t just decide one day to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender; it’s a process of discovery that
happens over time.

 It is important to realize that not all our clients are heterosexual. You cannot determine someone’s sexual
orientation by their appearance or life situation – even married people. Don’t assume that all people are
heterosexual until proven otherwise. (What happens immediately for a lesbian caller when you ask a
question about her boyfriend assaulting her? Trust is broken immediately. Even if she doesn’t think you’re
hostile toward gay people, she feels already that you won’t be able to identify with her or help in her
situation, etc.)

 Don’t assume the gender of a client or their significant other. If a client uses language such as “partner”,
“significant other”, “roommate,” follow suit. Be sensitive to clients use of pronouns and use what they use
– he, she, they. Further, not all survivors will label themselves LGB or T, so mirror words they use about
themselves. (Also – partner doesn’t necessarily mean same-sex! It can refer to heterosexual relationships,
too.).

 Don’t expect them to conform to stereotypes or assume they must be different from other survivors – they
may be a parent, a churchgoer, have important friendships with both men and women, have contact with
family, be an immigrant, etc. There are many cultural differences among LGBTQ survivors.

 Be aware of your own stereotypes and assumptions.

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Things to Keep in Mind and Remember…

 Remember that LGBTQ folks may be FEARFUL of the response of YOU, police, medical staff, law
enforcement, other service providers, family members (may not have come out, may not have disclosed the
violence before).

 Remember that the lesbian caller you’re talking to may believe the myth that women cannot rape one
another, that women are not violent toward one another, that woman only space should be safe space.
(Lesbian utopia). Can be hard to reconcile with a philosophical approach to violence against women that
says that patriarchy/sexism/men are the problem.

 Remember that lesbian does not mean male-hater or being anti-male. But, some lesbians do choose to limit
their contact with men, may feel uncomfortable talking with a male police officer or doctor after an assault.
They may express anger at men in general following an assault (as with many survivors).

 Keep in mind that gay men face the stereotype of promiscuousness and that all sex is wanted. People
around them and service providers may not take the violence as seriously.

 Issues of “coming out” or being “outed”. Remember that folks may fear being forced to come out to their
family, friends, co-workers, and/or have fear of having to be very open in legal, medical, social service
systems that have long history of homophobia. May affect their decision to go forward with reporting, case,
etc. As always, their decision should be respected & supported – take the clients lead on whether he/she
wants to be “out” concerning his/her sexuality/gender identity (Case example: man decided not to go
forward with prosecution because the Commonwealth Attorney could not guarantee that the defense would
not ask questions that might reveal his sexual orientation. He was not out to his family.).

 Be sensitive to a survivor’s fear of betraying the LGBTQ community, which is already under attack, by
‘accusing’ another LGBTQ person of violence. The survivor may fear that they are exposing their assailant
to a homophobic criminal justice system if they go forward with the case.

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Myths and Misconceptions of Gay and Lesbian Battering

Domestic violence doesn't occur in lesbian relationships; women don't batter other women. Women do
batter other women. Such violence is estimated to occur in one-third to one-half of all lesbian relationships.
This myth comes from a belief that women do not learn to use power and control over other women in the way
that men do.

Only women get battered; men are never victims of domestic violence. This myth is based on the
assumption that men are never victims. This myth is sexist and dangerous. Gay men are sometimes battered by
gay men and heterosexual men are sometimes battered by heterosexual women. Domestic violence is not a
gender issue; it is a power and control issue.

Battered gay men and lesbians are as likely to identify themselves as victims as are heterosexual women.
Denial by gay and lesbian victims may be even greater than denial by heterosexual battered women. This may
occur for a number of reasons:

 The myth that women do not learn violence.

 The myth that men cannot be victims.
 The fact that the gay and lesbian community has yet to recognize and name the abusive behavior for
what it is: battering.
 The myth of mutual battering, which makes the gay or lesbian victim believe he or she is equally
responsible because self-defensive action was taken.
 The lack of available resources and support for the gay or lesbian victim.

Domestic violence is more common in heterosexual relationships than in gay male or lesbian
relationships. There is no evidence to support this. Preliminary studies have shown that gay and lesbian
domestic violence occurs in approximately one-third to one-half of gay and lesbian relationships, about as often
as in heterosexual relationships.

Since same-sex couples are likely to be more equal in size, the damage inflicted by the gay or lesbian
batterer is typically less than that inflicted by an opposite-sex batterer. In heterosexual relationships, the
size of the batterer relative to the victim doesn't determine the amount of damage sustained by the victim.
Similarly size is not the determinant of physical violence in gay and lesbian relationships. Intense anger or rage
can enable a smaller person to overwhelm a large person.

Gay and lesbian domestic violence is a fair and equal fight between members of the same sex.
This myth is based on the inability or unwillingness to look at violence between two people of the same sex as a
violent situation where one person is clearly a victim. This is referred to as the "boxing ring" myth. This myth
assumes that both partners are ready and willing to be physically violent with each other.

Victims of gay and lesbian domestic violence are co-dependent. This is not true. The co-dependency model
has little to offer in terms of understanding the psychological dynamics of domestic violence. Domestic
violence is not a relationship problem and victims are not "partners in dependency" with their batterers. The
batterer and the victim have two separate problems: the batterer is violent and the victim is in a relationship
with a violent person.

It is not really violence when two men fight; it is normal "boys being boys." This myth is based on larger
societal attitudes that it is acceptable for men to be violent and that it is normal for men to be violent. Battering
is more than "boys being boys." It is violence.

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Gay men and lesbians are more likely to equally participate in the violence than are heterosexuals.
Although it may be true that same-sex victims are more likely to attempt to defend themselves against their
abusers, this does not mean that there is mutual battering occurri006Eg. Actions taken in self-defense, although
violent, cannot be identified as abusive.

It is no more difficult for a battered gay or lesbian victim to seek help than it is for a heterosexual victim.
For the same reasons it is hard for heterosexual women to ask for help, it is equally difficult for gay and lesbian
victims. The battered lesbian or gay man faces additional difficulties. There is no well-accepted awareness of
the existence of gay and lesbian battering. Gay or lesbian victims may fear that battered women's services won't
help them because of their sexual orientation. The risks of telling one's family may be much greater for the
battered lesbian or gay man, for the family may not even know about the victim's sexual orientation. Even if
they do, some of the responses of the family may be to suggest that the violence is a result of their sexuality or
that if the victim changed and became heterosexual, the violence would disappear. Also, the gay or lesbian
victim may not be able to find much support from the gay or lesbian community. Finally, the risk to the victim
and to the abuser that exposure of their sexual orientation may bring may be much greater than the relief of
help.

Gay and lesbian domestic violence is merely lovers’ quarrels. All lovers and couples have quarrels; it is a
normal and healthy part of human relationships. However, violence is not an acceptable way to resolve a
lovers’ quarrel. This myth also suggests that violence between intimate partners is somehow acceptable.
Violence between intimate partners is never acceptable.

Children are not an issue for battered gay men and lesbians. Many gay men and lesbians are parents.
Questions of child custody may arise for a gay or lesbian victim if they admit that they are homosexual and that
they are in a violent relationship.

The batterer is always the largest or the "butchiest" partner. Size, weight, butchness, effeminacy or any
other attribute or role is not a good indicator of whether or not a person will be a victim or batterer.

Batterers under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol are not responsible for their actions.
Drugs and alcohol are an excuse for violence and this myth takes responsibility off the batterer for the violent
behavior. Violence is a choice, and the batterer is responsible for making that choice. If a person who batters is
also on drugs and/or alcohol, then that person has two separate and serious problems.

Gay men's domestic violence has increased as a result of the AIDS epidemic. The stress resulting from the
AIDS epidemic has not caused an increase in gay domestic violence; violent men have caused an increase in
gay domestic violence. Perpetrators choose to be violent. Their decision to be violent is the cause of every act
of violence they commit.

Gay and lesbian domestic violence is sadomasochistic sexual behavior; the victims actually like it. This is
not true for heterosexual of gay/lesbian couples. Domestic violence and S&M are entirely different. In S&M
relationships, there is usually a contract or agreement regarding the limits of the behavior in which each person
is willing to partake. S&M is consensual; domestic violence is nonconsensual. Domestic violence is abuse,
manipulation and control that is unwanted by the victim. S&M practices are not domestic violence unless they
are nonconsensual.

Battered gay men and lesbians have needs that are different from heterosexual battered women. Battered
gay men and lesbians need the same services as heterosexual battered women. Many of the problems a battered
gay man or lesbian faces are similar to those faced by any heterosexual battered woman, and so are the
solutions. However, the gay man or lesbian dealing with a violent relationship cannot escape also dealing with
the violence of gay oppression that is experienced both in society in general, and in battered women's service

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agencies. The situation of the battered gay man or lesbian does differ from that of heterosexual battered
women, but the differences are fewer that the similarities.

It is easier for gay male or lesbian victims of domestic violence to leave their violent partners than it is for
heterosexual women. Gay and lesbian couples are as intertwined and involved in each other’s lives as
heterosexual couples. Like many heterosexual battered women, many battered gay men and lesbians are raising
children and are financially dependent on their violent partners and feel a failed relationship represents their
failure as a person. Unlike heterosexual women, many gays and lesbians are alienated from their families of
origin due to homophobia and heterosexism, and thus, may place an even greater value on their love
relationships.

Unlike heterosexual women, there are very few, if any, services available to gay and lesbian victims of domestic
violence. Due to the enormous amount of denial in the gay and lesbian community about domestic violence,
there is often very little support from gay and lesbian friends of victims.

Gay and lesbian domestic violence occurs primarily among those who hang out in bars, are poor or are
people of color. Domestic violence crosses all racial, ethnic, religious, educational, gender, sexual orientation,
and class differences. The gay community and the heterosexual community need to recognize that wealthy,
white, educated, "politically correct" men and women batter their partners as often as does any other group in
our society.

The reasons that women are violent are different than the reasons men are violent. Lesbians seem to
batter for the same reasons that men batter: they feel powerful. The only reason for violent behavior is one
person's attempt to assert control and dominance over another person. Such behavior is often learned in
childhood and is reinforced by the violence prevalent in our culture.

The acts of violence perpetrated by men are more violent than the acts of violence committed by women.
It may be true that women use guns less often when acting in violence against other women, but this may be due
to the fact that fewer women own or have access to guns. Battered lesbians who seek services report violence
and threats of violence just as severe and life-threatening as do heterosexual battered women. One should never
discount or minimize a woman's fear of the violence in her relationship just because she is a lesbian and her
partner is another woman.

Gay and lesbian batterers are easier to rehabilitate than heterosexual batterers. We may like to think that
women and gay men are more open to growth and change than heterosexual men, but we really don't have any
evidence to support this idea in terms of gays and lesbians who batter. What we do know is that the cycle of
violence theory fits gay and lesbian relationships just as well as it does heterosexual relationships. We would
do a disservice to a battered lesbian or gay man by suggesting there may be more hope for change than in
heterosexual relationships.

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