W hen M a r r i a g e s

BREAK
Contents
4 Introduction

5 When Your Spouse Walks Out

7 Rules of Engagement

10 Owning Your Contribution

12 Enlisting Help

14 Setting Limits

16 When to Fight for Your Marriage

18 When to End a Marriage

20 When is Divorce Okay

22 Finding Hope Amid Marital Strife

24 Coping as a Single Parent

26 Have Hope for Your Marriage

28 Authors

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 Introduction

W hen we marry, we envision that we will happily grow old with our
spouse at our side. Yet, sometimes the brokenness in this world
injects itself into our lives and fractures our hopes and dreams. In an instant,
our world can come crumbling down, leaving us struggling to see God and
his care for us. A husband announces that he is running off with a colleague
from the office. A wife decides she is tired of trying to make a marriage
work.

When a spouse walks out of a relationship that God designed to be

permanent, the pain can feel overwhelming, anger can consume us, and our
insecurities can trap us in doubt. In embarrassment and shame, we often
carry our pain alone. In such a season of discouragement, we at Family Fire
want to come alongside you as a source of friendship and hope.

Our prayer is that this book will be a resource to help you make sense of
a terrible situation. We pray it might guide relationships back to a place of
healing or help strengthen your faith as you make the difficult decision to
move forward without your marriage.

Every marriage encounters bumps along the way, but sometimes those
obstacles are difficult and may even be insurmountable. We want to help
you find hope and see God at work through these hard times.

We pray these writings are a blessing to your life and that your
relationships will experience the blessing of healing.

Grace and Peace,

Deb & Steven Koster

FamilyFire.com

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 When Your Spouse Walks Out

BY DEB KOSTER

S ometimes a marriage is riddled with conflict and

there are a host of signs that the relationship is in
danger. Other times a spouse is completely blindsided
Care for those in crisis
In the midst of a crisis it is important to circle the
when their partner announces an end to the wagons and focus on protecting those in danger.
relationship. Either way, divorce is probably not what We must look after our kids who are struggling
you envisioned when you walked down the aisle and to understand the situation. Divorce significantly
said “I do.” Division in your relationship is a loss to be undermines a child’s sense of security. We must offer
grieved and a new reality to be navigated. It can be regular reassurance to help our children feel secure.
paralyzing to have your world shook-up, but focusing It is also common for children to blame themselves
on a few specific tasks can help you get through the for the situation. We must communicate, again and
challenges. again, to assure them that they are not responsible for
causing a parent to leave.

Acknowledge the loss Self care also becomes critically important because
we can’t care for others without caring for ourselves.
When a spouse walks out or wants to end a Recognize that you are in a difficult season. You may
relationship, it can set our minds awhirl with concern. need to say “no” to outside commitments in order
Losing a foundational relationship shakes our world to manage the chaos brewing on the home front.
and leaves us with so many things to process. Our Making time to speak with a counselor is a healthy
emotions can sometimes get the best of us in times exercise in self care.
of distress. We can lash out in anger or withdraw in
despair. The root of our pain is often sadness, we
have a loss that we need to process and grieve. A
trusted counselor can help keep us from getting stuck
“God does not define us
in despair. Journaling feelings can also be a helpful
practice. And sometimes, just allowing time to have
by the pain of our past,
a good cry might be the release that is needed. but loves us as one of
Acknowledge, name, and confront the pain—the loss
is real. Seize the moments you have to process and his precious children.”
use them well to begin moving back toward peace.

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 Don’t despair Seek God
When a spouse leaves, a world of negative Relationships often reach a breaking point because
emotions can be triggered. Their absence raises one party or both has wandered away from living
feelings of abandonment and triggers self-doubt faithfully according to God’s word. When something
and despair. These negative thoughts can lead to occurs as drastic as a spouse leaving, it is an
depression if we don’t realize that our hope will opportunity to reset your compass. Point yourself in
never be found in an earthly relationship—it can be the direction of following Christ and living the life he
found only in Jesus Christ. We may grieve the loss has called you to. God is always ready to welcome
of a marriage that never lived up to our hopes and us back and give us his comfort and guidance. God
dreams, but we still have hope for the future because has promised to walk with us through the darkest of
we are not defined by a failed relationship. God does valleys (Psalm 23). He assures us that he will will not
not define us by the pain of our past, but loves us as fail us or forsake us (Joshua 1:5), in fact nothing can
one of his precious children. You may feel isolated and separate us from his love (Romans 8:38-39), and he
alone, but God has promised that he will never leave will be with us until the end of time (Matthew 28:20).
you nor forsake you (Deut 31:8). God will never leave you, lean on him and he will get
you through whatever you face.

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 Rules of Engagement

BY ROB TOORNSTRA

A s a pastor, I have walked with numerous couples

through marital deserts. These are seasons
where the intimacy has dried up, conflict seems
own shortcomings. Ask that God might reveal to
you how you have contributed to the breakdown in
your marriage. Confess your sin and need for help,
to beat down on a couple, and there is no oasis of and seek God’s forgiveness. Seek the strength, the
healing in sight. Sometimes, it seems like the only wisdom, and the grace that God only can give. I
option is to cut losses and leave the marriage—and marvel as I hear couples describe the most impossible
sadly, that is occasionally the outcome. circumstances—infidelity, abandonment, or a
marriage that has eroded over decades—and how
But I’ve also watched God repair marriages that
God met them and began to work in their weakness.
even I feared were beyond fixing. In fact, I’ve been
You will need God’s strength for what is ahead.
a witness to couples who didn’t just avoid divorce,
but in fact began to enjoy intimacy with one another
that they had never imagined possible. You may be
reading this because you are in that place where your
Drop the D-word
marriage seems beyond salvage—you see nothing You must decide early on that divorce is not an
but wasteland in every direction. You’ve just found option for you. If you allow yourself that exit, then
out that your husband has had an affair. Your wife you will not so much be fighting for your marriage as
disclosed financial debt that she’d kept hidden for you will be trying to avoid what you feel is inevitable.
years. Can you survive? Taking the option of divorce off the table forces you
work for solutions in the marriage.
In working with couples, I’ve observed several
“make-it-or-break-it” factors. There are no guarantees One major caveat applies, however. This advice
in love, of course, but these are practices that a does not apply if your safety, or the safety of your
couple can take that significantly increase the family is at risk. Hitting and abuse should not be
likelihood of making it through the wilderness to a
Promised Land of marital closeness.
“The gospel demands
Humble yourself before God nothing less than the
You cannot do this on your own. Let me emphasize: full commitment to
you don’t have what you need, on your own, to get
through this or to fix this. The good news is that
letting go of your desire
God meets us in our lowest points, whether our to even the score with
lowest points are due to the sins of another or our
your spouse.”
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 tolerated by anyone. But, if that is not the case,
approach your marriage as something that you are
Fight Fair
committed to fixing, not fleeing. As you begin to work through the pain and
brokenness of your marriage, it’s important that
you learn to fight fairly. Sometimes, marriages
Consult Experts reach a breaking point because conflict has never
been addressed; fights are left unresolved, and the
When couples come to me for marital help, I will
underlying issues in a marriage have been ignored.
almost always encourage them to seek professional
I often tell a couple that a marriage will get worse
counseling. This is true for a couple that is facing
before it gets better. That’s because age-old problems
a relatively minor rough patch, or a marriage-
come to the surface during counseling and you will
threatening crisis. Your pastor is a good place to
have fights that you should have had years ago. It
start, and he or she can walk with you along the
takes a while to bring these to the surface. But, it’s
way. Many pastors lack the training and expertise of
important to learn to face these conflicts in a healthy
a trained therapist, but they should be able to refer
way. In fact, this is one reason a marital crisis can
you to a competent Christian counselor in your area
be a healthy moment—it forces you to learn good
who can serve as a specialist. In all likelihood, there
communication. Fighting fair involves, among other
are underlying issues in your relationship that need
things, learning to listen, learning to avoid extremes
to be addressed—they may be wounds from your
(“you always…” or “you never…”), leaving the kids out
childhood, or they may be a lack of communication
of it (either using them as weapons or by fighting in
skills. It’s sad to me when people deal with problems
front of them), and learning to compromise.
year after year, and yet for reasons of pride, or fear,
they refuse to seek help until a crisis hits. There is no
shame in seeking expert help!
Commit to Love
The apostle John tells us in 1 John 4:9 that love was
Wipe the Slate Clean demonstrated when “God sent his only Son into the
world, so that we might live through him.” While there
Chances are, you have accumulated quite a
is an ocean of beautiful theology here, in a nutshell,
record of wrongs that your spouse has committed.
John is telling us that God, in Jesus, poured himself
These wrongs can cut deep wounds in our soul and
out for our good, regardless of what he received. That
they can fester in a marriage. Holding on to this list
is, he gave himself, knowing full well that he would be
of grievances against your husband or your wife
hated and despised by the very people for whom he
will make long-term healing nearly impossible. You
was giving his life. This should be the pattern for how
may have a right to your anger, since you may have
we love others.
been legitimately wronged. However, restoring your
marriage depends on your commitment to “forgive, Saving your marriage from collapse requires that
just as in Christ Jesus, God forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). you demonstrate your love for your husband or your
This process—and it is a process—will take time. The wife, even when they don’t acknowledge it, don’t
hurt will linger and the anger will flare up from time to deserve it, or don’t reciprocate it. To love in this way is
time. But, the gospel demands nothing less than the to pour yourself into the other person—meeting their
full commitment to letting go of your desire to even needs, putting them first, and serving them before
the score with your spouse. yourself. This is powerful—because it is a picture of
the gospel! It is how God poured himself into us, and

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“Saving your marriage
indeed, how he then enables us to pour ourselves into
others.

from collapse requires Perhaps you are sitting in a barren place today. You

that you demonstrate aren’t sure if your marriage can come back—or even if
you have the energy to invest in bringing it back. Don’t

your love for your give up! God meets his children in the wilderness.
With his help, you and your spouse may be on a long,
husband or your wife, but fruitful journey towards streams in the desert —
loving and being loved, as God desires for you.
even when they don’t
acknowledge it, don’t
deserve it, or don’t
reciprocate it.”

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 Owning Your Contribution

BY DEB KOSTER

D r. Phil is famous for saying, “No matter how flat

you make a pancake, it always has two sides.” It
is his way of saying that there is always another side
the contribution is negative behavior, acting in ways
that negatively impacted others. Other times, our
contributions may be passive—allowing bad behavior,
to every situation that needs to be considered. failing to require respectful behavior, or not calling
out mistreatment. Playing the role of the victim will
When we hurt, it is difficult to look at the situation
never bring healing and peace. Carefully consider your
from the perspective of the other person, but it is
contribution and own it before God.
helpful to look at things from another point of view. It
takes maturity to step outside of your circumstances
to consider how the other person might be hurting
too. If we can see ourselves only as the victim, it is
Confession
difficult to find healing. Taking a good honest look It is one thing to know how we messed up, but
from another perspective can help us to own our it is quite another to admit our errors to another
contribution. person. It takes a good measure of humility to own
our shortcomings and ask for forgiveness. Even if
your contribution is less than what the other party

“Transparency contributed, lead the way in seeking forgiveness. A

spirit of humility can guide a relationship to a place
is important for of healing. We can be confident of our position and
certain about the failures of the other person, but
rebuilding trust in those things will not bring us peace. Love keeps no

relationships.” record of wrong. It rejoices in the truth. Live into God’s

truth by confessing your contribution to the problem.

Accountability
Repentance
When trust is undermined in a marriage, it
True healing rarely comes without repentance
takes time to find healing and rebuild what was
before God. We will never be ready for a new
lost. Transparency is important for rebuilding
relationship or find healing in a current relationship
trust in relationships. Maybe that means sharing
until we take ownership of the part we played in the
passwords and calendars, or providing access to
conflict and commit to change our ways. It is too
computers and cell phones. It also means being
easy to blame someone else without considering how
emotionally transparent and sharing your feelings.
our behavior factored into the equation. Sometimes

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 Restoration
“Being vulnerable is an
Restoration of the relationship may not happen
essential building block for every marriage, but personal restoration can
come as we own our shortcomings and ask God to
for restoring intimacy in redeem them for his purposes. Personal restoration

a relationship.” is worthwhile even if your marriage is never restored.

Owning your participation in the breakdown lays a
foundation for healthier relationships going forward.
Being vulnerable is an essential building block for Personal restoration helps us to see beyond our
restoring intimacy in a relationship. While these acts failures, to see a future where we are loved by God
of accountability may seem annoying, they lay a and blessed in the fellowship of his people.
foundation for trust to be rebuilt.

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 Enlisting Help

BY DEB KOSTER

L ife can feel so isolating in the wake of a fractured

relationship. Family and friends take up sides and
even the children under our roof can feel torn about
in supporting you through a crisis and if needed,
recovery from divorce. Congregations can come
alongside you in powerful ways to help you navigate
where their allegiance should lie. When life feels like the struggle. Church members can provide meals,
it is unraveling, focus on God as your strength to rides, or child care. These may seem like small things
weather the storm and reach out for the resources but they can help diminish isolation when you are
that are available to help you. If you’re struggling with hurting. Not everyone within a church is going to be
knowing where to turn, here are a few suggestions. supportive, but focus on those who are and let them
come alongside you and lighten your load.

Professional counsel
When things break down in life we usually call in
an expert. We find a physician to care for our illness “There is no shame
or a mechanic to repair our broken car. In the same
way, relationships in crisis often require the guidance in asking for help;
of a trained professional who is outside of the drama.
Get counseling help to restore your marriage. If that’s as members of a
not successful, a counselor can offer perspective to
help you move past the crisis and plant your feet
community we have a
on solid ground. With a willingness to engage in calling to care for one
counseling, personal growth can occur and a new kind
of relationship can be forged. Even if only one person another.”
seeks counseling, that person can work towards
healing and access resources to help them make
decisions about the future.

Legal advice
Church community Sometimes when tempers flare, behavior can
spiral out of control necessitating legal intervention
A family of faith can be a tremendous resource in
for the protection and safety of those involved. Police
times of crisis, though congregations are notorious
may need to be called to diffuse an argument or
for taking sides when a marriage splits. Hopefully, the
a restraining order may be needed for protecting
response of the church can have a significant impact
one’s safety. Finances may need to be separated to

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avoid one spouse from draining a bank account or help, as members of a community we have a calling
from running up excessive amounts of debt. Use the to care for one another.
resources available to protect your safety.
Separation and divorce can be isolating and
stepping into a new, uncertain chapter of life can
be difficult, but God does not leave us alone. Jesus
Community resources promised that he is with us to the very end of time.
Separating a household can often cause financial As we lean on God and trust his leading, God will
distress as the limited resources that once covered guide our steps and care for us through his people.
one household, must now cover two. Some spouses Proverbs 11:14 tells us, “Where there is no guidance, a
choose to leave their families in the lurch, and the people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there
remaining spouse is left to struggle to get by. Explore is safety.”
what resources your community offers to help hurting
families. Organizations like Love in the Name of Christ
or government living assistance programs can guide
you to resources and help you make ends meet as you
get back on your feet. There is no shame in asking for

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 Setting Limits

BY DEB KOSTER

W hen relationships are in conflict, limits need to

be set around unhealthy behavior. Boundaries
place necessary limits around behavior that could
No addictive behavior under
your roof
damage anyone involved. When we set boundaries,
When we care for one another, sometimes lines get
we are committing to live according to the behaviors
blurred, and we find ourselves caring for an addiction.
that God desires.
Life starts to revolve around dealing with bad behavior
However, setting limits can be difficult both for instead of caring for one another. Whatever the
the person setting the boundaries and for the one addiction is that is causing struggles in your home, it
being limited. This is why it is important to always needs to have limits placed around it. You don’t get to
draw boundaries with love. When setting limits, it is have the car keys if you have been drinking. You can’t
also important to explain why you are doing so. Let view pornography on the family computer. You can’t
your spouse know that you love them too much to be around the children when you are high on drugs.
watch them self-destruct. Remind them that God has You are not permitted to lay a hand on anyone in
entrusted you both with providing your children a safe anger. Consider what limits need to be drawn in your
and loving home. Below are three guidelines to help home. It may be necessary to get help from a third
you set healthy boundaries when your marriage is in party—a pastor, counselor, or attorney, for example—
crisis. to help establish those boundaries.

Avoid conflict in front of “Relationships can

children
find healing when
Anger is common in homes where a marriage
is in crisis or divorce and separation are actually we commit to live
occurring. It is important to handle your frustration
constructively. When a family is broken, and according to the
threatened by separation or divorce, children lose their
sense of security. Efforts should be made to stabilize
behaviors God requires
life for your children by keeping them out of the of us.”
conflict. Keep a united front for your children as much
as possible. It is unfair to children to pull them into
conflict when their world is already uncertain and their
homelife is destabilized.

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Require accountability negative behavior. This means being willing to share
your phone and your computer to help reestablish
Accountability is essential for healing to occur in trust. Trust is rebuilt when there is a track record of
a damaged relationship. Involve the police to hold trust-worthy behavior and this requires transparency
your spouse accountable if your safety is endangered. over time.
Insist on accountability with a counselor or pastor to
Relationships can find healing when we commit to
either help you work toward healing the relationship
living according to the behaviors God requires of us.
or guide you to an amicable parting.
Setting loving limits is a way of investing in the future
If there was infidelity then part of rebuilding trust of your relationship and committing to a better future.
is having transparency so there is accountability for

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 When to Fight for Your Marriage

BY DEB KOSTER

G od intended marriage to be a permanent

covenant, not short-term investment. When
there is a shred of hope, it is worth persisting onward
to let that commitment lapse. All relationships will
face struggles, the question becomes, “How willing
are you to persevere through challenges and fight
and fighting for your marriage. The Holy Spirit can when it is hard?”
breathe life into the deadest of relationships and
guide it toward health. Don’t let the current state of
your marriage discourage you. If God can make the When your spouse is
whole world out of nothing, imagine what he can
committed to trying
create with a couple of willing hearts. But how do you
decide when it’s worth fighting for? If your spouse is willing to keep working at the
relationship, don’t toss aside that commitment lightly.
Choose to persevere and see what God might build
out of the ashes of your marriage. Friendship can be
“If God can make the reestablished and romance can be rekindled. It may

whole world out of be hard to imagine now, but with God all things are
possible. Even if a spouse is not initially willing to try,

nothing, imagine what they may yet be won over by your commitment to
extending grace. Sacrificial love wins the day.
he can create with
a couple of willing When you desire a stable
hearts.” foundation for your children
Choosing to ensure a stable foundation for your
children is more than just “staying together for the
kids.” It means choosing to address your marital
When you value your issues and create a home where commitment and
commitment communication are valued. A high conflict marriage
can be destructive to children caught in the crossfire,
We should never take lightly the promises we but most marriage dissolutions are actually low
make before God. When we stood before God at our conflict. Couples simply drift apart and the task of
wedding, we pledged to work at our relationship over rebuilding feels too daunting. In these situations,
a lifetime, in good times and in bad, through sickness putting in the hard work can not only revive your
and in health. So it is important that we are not quick

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marriage but also establish a stable and healthy role in the breakdown of your marriage, you can begin
foundation for your children. to make needed and important changes.

There are a lot of reasons to fight for your marriage.

It is not an easy path to work toward restoration, but
When you are willing to own God can rebuild great relationships out of ruins. When
your failures we value our commitments and want the best for our
children, it is worth moving forward with whatever
It is nearly impossible for a relationship to recover if
is left of our relationship and committing to build
you or your spouse paint yourself as a victim. We can
something better with God’s help. God walks with
never heal what we don’t acknowledge and owning
us through the darkest of valleys and healing and
our contribution, even if a passive one, is a good
reconciliation can still be possible.
starting point. Once you take responsibility for your

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 When to End a Marriage

BY DEB KOSTER

W When the Pharisees asked Jesus in Matthew

19, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any
cause?,” Jesus lamented that divorce is not what God
should not subject that image to abuse. Submitting
ourselves to physical or verbal abuse devalues our
identity as image bearers of God. The emotional
intended for marriage. But he also explained that abuse of being repeatedly lied to erodes trust and
divorce was given to Moses because of the hardness destroys relationships. Allowing abuse to persist
of the human heart. It does not take much convincing without boundaries communicates to the abuser
to see that hard heartedness still persists today. that this behavior is acceptable and invites more
disrespect. It also allows the abuser to fail to get help
and get better. Any cycle of abuse needs to be broken
Marriages can break if healing is to be found. And when an abuser is
unrepentant and unwilling or unable to change, hard
Simply put, some behaviors can break marriages
boundaries can be necessary.
permanently. Usually such behaviors build over time,
and a first step to healthier boundaries and greater
safety may be separation. It may begin with simple
When a spouse has brought
distance, and then progress to a legal agreement.
You may need to protect not only your kids but also addiction under your roof
your legal assets. The goal of the separation is both to
Addictive behavior is dangerous to everyone that
ensure your safety as well as to test the commitment
it touches. A spouse addicted to porn, gambling,
of the erring spouse. One hopes a separation will
or drugs sets an unhealthy model for children and
end in health and reconciliation, but it may also end
then endangers them directly. If your bank account is
in permanent divorce. Divorce is never the ideal, but
cleared out to support an addiction or your children
there are times when the hardness of a spouse’s heart
are being driven around by an intoxicated parent,
suggest that it might be necessary.

When a relationship has “Submitting ourselves

become abusive to physical or verbal
Hitting is never, ever, allowed or acceptable. If abuse devalues our
you or your children are in danger call the Domestic
Violence Hotline number and get out. 1-800-799- identity as image
SAFE (7233). Take the initiative and seek shelter
from abuse. We are all made in God’s image and
bearers of God.”

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it is destructive to your family. Boundaries need to
be placed around addictive behaviors. If a spouse
When you have earnestly
is willing to seek treatment and honor boundaries worked at repair
related to recovery, you can work on getting well
As soon as your marriage feels like it’s in trouble,
together. But if a spouse is unwilling to seek treatment
getting advice from a counselor is a wise choice. A
and work on treating both the addiction and the
counselor can guide you through what’s normal for
underlying causes, hard boundaries may ultimately be
stressed couples and help you navigate good choices
necessary to shield you or your children from harm.
around bad behavior. And when you have invested the
time and energy into seeking earnestly to repair your
relationship without success, a counselor can also
When an unbelieving spouse help you recognize when your relationship is no longer
has walked away salvageable, but has instead become destructive.
A marriage that damages more than it helps is a
1 Corinthians 7:15 talks about letting an unbelieving
hard truth, but one that is easier to live with if you
spouse walk away if they have had enough. A
can honestly say that you tried every means at your
believing spouse is encouraged to stick with a
disposal to work toward healing.
marriage if their unbelieving partner is willing, but
if an unbelieving spouse walks away, the Bible says
the remaining spouse should not be “enslaved” to a
marriage with an absent spouse. Abandonment can
When you can no longer
break a marriage. If your unbelieving spouse has no carry the weight alone
willingness to persist in the marriage, your paths may
It is difficult to fix a relationship when you are the
need to diverge.
only one working at it. Bearing the burden of trying
to repair a marriage alone can work for a time. All
marriages have seasons where things are difficult and
When an affair continues we sacrifice for our spouses. But over the long haul,
Adultery is extremely destructive to marriage. It’s a one-sided marriage will only result in burnout and
an obvious violation of marital vows, even explicitly probably expose you to unhealthy behaviors. Carrying
mentioned in scripture as one of the ways marriages the full weight of your relationship is an ineffective
break. Yet, marriages can survive past affairs and long term solution. A licensed counselor can help you
move toward restored trust and intimacy. But such see when the burden has become too much.
restoration can happen only if the couple is fully
Marriages break, and deciding precisely when to
re-committed to each other. The unfaithful spouse
end a marriage is never easy. Divorce is not what
must sever the ties of infidelity and change behaviors
God intended for marriage, but sometimes it is the
that led to it. Both spouses will likely need significant
best way forward. It’s never easy, but God will not
counseling together to rebuild their trust. A marriage
leave you alone in your pain. He will walk with you
requires the intimacy of a husband and wife alone.
even through the dark valley of marital conflict, and
There is no ability to move forward if a third party
by leaning on him, you can find hope and healing for
remains involved.
moving forward.

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 When is Divorce Okay

BY STEVEN KOSTER

N obody enters marriage expecting to divorce.

Divorce was not in God’s initial plan either. When
the Pharisees came to Jesus to try to get him to pick
and with a lot of hard work and rebuilding, become
something that glorifies God.

Divorce, when a marriage cannot be salvaged, is

a side in the when-is-it-okay-to-divorce debate, Jesus
the result of sin over time. It is a final breaking of our
redirects them back to the beginning. In Matthew
vows “not to part until death.” Divorce can devastate
19, he quotes Genesis 2:24, saying that when a man
whole family groups, and the fallout lasts for years to
leaves his father and mother and becomes one with
come, especially for children. It is unrealistic to think
his wife, no one should separate them. Instead of
that “after this divorce is final I can just move on.”
listening to the Pharisees debate the rules of when it
Those involved do go on, but they live in the wake of
is okay to divorce, Jesus challenges them to focus on
the broken relationship—their scars shaping future
being one with their spouses. This should be our focus
expectations and approaches to family relationships.
as well; we should strive for that unity.

Although divorce was not a part of God’s perfect

plan, scripture acknowledges that people can break “Divorce was not God’s
marriages. Divorce was given to Moses because
of the hardness of our sinful hearts (Mt 19:8). We intent, but neither is
sinners fail, even in marriage, which is seen at its
worst in instances of adultery, abuse, or addictions. marriage preserved at
Divorce was not God’s intent, but neither is marriage
preserved at any and every cost. Marriage is not
any and every cost.”
glorifying to God when it degenerates into abuse,
neglect, or abandonment. As image-bearers of
But while divorce can build walls in many
God, we need to protect ourselves and others from
relationships, it cannot separate us from God or his
suffering abuse.
love for us. Divorce and the sin that led to it are not
Even so, divorce should never be approached beyond God’s capacity to forgive. God will there with
lightly. Some churches like to talk about the biblical us in the midst of hurt caused by divorce to bring
grounds for divorce as if there are some situations healing. People may fail us, but nothing can separate
where divorce is automatically alright. Infidelity can us from the love of God.
break marriages, but it is not a get-out-of-marriage-
Counseling is important, both when attempting to
free card. If couples rush to dissolve a marriage
reconcile the relationship before leaving it as well as
because of infidelity, they could miss the healing and
for healing before moving on to another relationship.
restoration that could make their marriage a beacon
Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel,
of God’s grace. Marriages can survive a break in trust

20 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
but with many advisers they succeed.” After divorce, Divorce is never the way God wanted things to go,
friendship, prayer, and counseling can help individuals but sometimes it is necessary. Divorce is always about
move past the pain to a place where they can wish brokenness. Sometimes divorce is the better choice
their ex-spouses well and take accountability for their and the lesser of two evils, but it is never without pain,
own role in the dissolution of the relationship. and it is never beyond the loving embrace of God.

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 21
 Finding Hope Amid Marital Strife

BY DEB KOSTER

D espair is a common emotion in the wake of a

fractured relationship. Often much of our identity
and hopes for the future are connected to our spouse.
Cling to your faith
Our faith is our greatest source of strength in good
When that relationship ends, we can feel lost. It can times and in bad. Leaning on God will bless us more
be easy for our fragile hearts to dwell in fear and than trying to go about things using our own strength.
despair. While the loss of relationship must be grieved, Even when spouses fail us and abandon us, God is
it is important that we intentionally seek hope in the faithful. Romans 8 tells us that the Spirit steps in to
midst of our struggle. pray for us when our hearts are too heavy to find the
words. Staying in God’s word and keeping fellowship
with a community of faith will equip you for the

“Our true hope will challenges separation and divorce can bring.

never be found in an
Pray
earthly relationship, it Prayer connects us with God and enables us to
can only be found in follow his leading in our lives. In prayer we lay down
our burdens and find God’s comfort for the concerns
Jesus Christ.” of our hearts. Prayer should not be your last option,
only after you have exhausted your own resources,
but rather prayer should be your first impulse, a

Recognize your source of faithful habit that gives you the strength to face each
new day.
hope
Our true hope will never be found in an earthly
relationship, it can only be found in Jesus Christ. We Equip yourself with God’s
may grieve the loss of a marriage that never lived word
up to our hopes and dreams, but we are not defined
Claim God’s promises for your life by reciting them
by a failed relationship. God loves you as a precious
when you feel anxious or scared. As Jesus used
child. You may feel isolated and alone, but God has
scripture to defeat the devil when he was tempted,
promised that he will never leave or forsakes you.
we have God’s word to serve as our defense when life
feels overwhelming.

22 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
Reestablish routine When life feels out of control these concrete actions
can help our world to become less chaotic by resetting
When your marriage is in crisis, the effects ripple our priorities and guiding us to care for the things that
out into every area of your life. Your marriage we can control. We are reminded of the words of the
becomes the number one priority in your life, but it serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
is important to not be pulled into panic about your
God grant me the serenity
relationship. God’s plan for your life is not lost if your
relationship falters. Hope can be found as you step to accept the things I cannot change;
out of crisis mode and recognize that God’s world is
courage to change the things I can;
still turning and his promises are still true, regardless
of your marital status. Take a deep breath and step and wisdom to know the difference.
into your life, trusting that God is walking through it
with you.

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 23
 Coping as a Single Parent

BY CHRIS HUNT

S ingle parents, both mothers and fathers,

often describe a strong sense of isolation and
loneliness. Recently divorced single parents can feel
with the growing pains of becoming a single parent
after separation or divorce, I offer you words of hope.

Though it seemed unlikely to me at the time, my

particularly cut off from friends and family, even while
divorce and ensuing single parenthood was the
in their company. Early in my own season of single
crucible through which God finally got my attention
parenthood, though I loved the company of my kids,
and showed me the one person to whom I needed to
I felt very alone. My former spouse refused to be
turn: his son, Jesus Christ. Looking back now on that
involved with our two toddlers, most of my family lived
season, I see four ways God provided for me in my
two states away, and my friends seemed to withdraw
isolation and loneliness:
from me. And since I had turned my back on the faith
of my childhood over a decade before my divorce, I
also lacked the support of the body of Christ.
God revealed people in my
life, already in plain sight
“God did not leave Convinced I was all alone with my challenges, I did
not realize until much later that when my neighbor
me in my isolation invited me to her church, it had been God who set

and my loneliness. He up that conversation. Sharon, a single parent herself

in her late sixties, lived next door with her youngest
surrounded me with his daughter who babysat for me. In hindsight, I realized
Sharon had always been there: checking in with the
people.” kids and me, encouraging me, and finally, inviting me
to reconnect with Jesus.

Are there people that God has placed in your life,

The breakdown of my marriage found me
but that you have overlooked? If no one comes to
unprepared spiritually, emotionally, and mentally for
mind, pray that God would help reveal trustworthy
the sudden rigors of parenting on my own. No one—
people in your life that you can reach out to for help
not relatives, friends, coworkers, my boss—seemed
and will walk with you through your struggles.
to “get” what I was facing. The addition of loads of
material issues to the isolation—financial problems,
car troubles, home repairs, and too much to do in the
day-to-day —made me feel stone-cold alone. Does
this situation sound familiar? If you too are struggling

24 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
God provided a new family God reopened my heart
through his church As my heart reopened to God, I slowly stepped into
new friendships and pressed into family. I suddenly
After my wife left, I started going to church…and
found I made friends much more easily. I was forming
not just on Sunday. In the darkest days of my life,
deep and lasting friendships; and I seldom felt alone.
Sharon and her daughter invited me to visit the church
Because Christ was the fabric and thread of these
in which my family worships to this day. After visiting,
friendships, they withstood hardship. What’s more,
I received another invitation: to come to a small
my parents moved closer; my mother even stayed a
group. Starved for adult company and friendship, I
few months with me. Their presence gave my family
leaped at the chance, and entered a community of
enormous support. God did not leave me in my
people who cared about each other and who cared
isolation and my loneliness. He surrounded me with
about me. When things got tough, my new church
his people.
family stepped in with support. One couple would
pick up my children from daycare when I worked late. Don’t be afraid to ask new friends and family for
Another family invited us to spend a holiday with help. Take people seriously when they offer you their
them. Someone else would babysit a sick child so I presence. God can place just the right people in our
wouldn’t have to miss work. Eventually, it hit me what lives, but when we won’t admit we need them, or
God had done: he changed my life and the lives of my humbly accept their help, we hurt only ourselves.
children through his people.

God made his presence felt

“God can place just the
Jesus said, “I will never leave you nor forsake
right people in our lives, you” (Hebrews 13:5). The feelings of isolation and
loneliness I felt after my divorce were real. When my
but when we won’t son woke crying at 2 AM, I was the only one there to

admit we need them, comfort him. All the cooking and cleaning; just one
person did it all. Bathing, dressing, putting to bed;

or humbly accept their you guessed it, me. In all of it, because of the love of
Christ, I came to understand that I was never truly
help, we hurt only alone. He was with me, just as he is with you.

ourselves.” Are you alone as a parent? Do you feel isolated?

Your feelings are valid. Every circumstance in single
parenting and in divorce is different. So I offer no
Are you surrounded by a community of faith? If so, kind of formula. God, however, is always absolutely
is it time to seek out deeper relationships with fellow consistent. Your experience will be different from
believers? If you have strayed away from the church, mine, yet, God’s love and goodness will be wholly
are there people of faith in your life that you could talk the same. Ask him to meet you in your isolation and
to about church? Even if there isn’t, you can take the loneliness. He will do it, because he too is a parent;
step to seek out a new church family. An easy way to your Father in Heaven.
start is to search online for churches in your area with
divorce care ministries.

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 25
 Have Hope for Your Marriage

BY BOB RITSEMA

There are many unhappy marriages. No, that’s marriage is quite close, with none of the dissention
not quite right. Better to say that there are many that was once present.
marriages passing through a period of unhappiness.
The second couple, whom I’ll dub Matt and Maggie,
The first formulation makes it sound as if unhappiness
had been married for about the same period of time.
is the fixed and final state of a marriage. The
Matt distanced himself and was frequently sarcastic,
second recognizes that marriages can change, and
while Maggie spent too much money and hid her
momentary or even seasonal unhappiness can turn to
purchases—significant problems to be sure, but no
eventual satisfaction. The first phrasing is hopeless,
worse than Dale and Donna’s. Matt and Maggie were
the second, hopeful, and hope is essential for
much less hopeful, though. Each was skeptical that
repairing any troubled marriage.
the other would try to change, and each was quick
Merriam-Webster Dictionary states that to hope to give up on resolving their problems. They had little
is “to expect with confidence.” I have worked as a expectation that the marriage would improve. Each
therapist with many couples who were experiencing worked more on furthering their own interests than
marital difficulties. I’ve noticed that the hope (or lack on thinking of ways to improve the relationship. They
thereof) with which couples entered into counseling made little effort to make the changes I suggested,
makes a tremendous difference in their likelihood of and soon dropped out of therapy.
success.

Two couples come to mind. The first couple,

whom I’ll call Dale and Donna, were going through “Hope is part of any
a rocky time two years into their marriage. Dale was
troubled that Donna didn’t discipline her children healthy, Christian life.”
from a previous marriage and that she interfered
with his efforts to correct them. Donna said that
Dale was judgmental and had angry outbursts in
which he said hurtful things. Neither knew how to Hope is part of any healthy, Christian life. Romans
fix these problems, but both believed strongly that 12:11-12 says, “Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent
they would eventually get past them. Each believed in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient
they were loved and each voiced faith in the kindness in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” And this
and goodness of the other. Because they were hope should extend to our relationships. Christian
hopeful, they worked hard in therapy, learning how to psychologist Everett Worthington and his colleagues
communicate more effectively, to empathize with the have developed a hope-focused approach to couple’s
other’s perspective, and to find solutions. Now their therapy. They regard hope as central both to the

26 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
Christian experience and to marriage. They suggest assistance in developing skills
that there are three components to hope that are like communication, parenting,
important for relationships: willpower, waypower, and self-control, and other skills to
waitpower: improve their waypower.

• Willpower is the willingness to • Waitpower requires the ability to

put forth effort to improve the persevere until marital problems
relationship and the expectation can be resolved. Worthington
that such effort will make a and his colleagues believe that
difference. Willpower is often the conviction that God is present
lacking when a person is in difficult circumstances is
depressed, since depression particularly important in helping
typically involves thoughts of couples endure the hardships
helplessness or hopelessness. they experience as they wait for
Matt and Maggie lacked change.
this aspect of hope in their
Even as a therapist, my faith helps me maintain
relationship, which hindered their
hope on behalf of the couples with whom I work. I
movement toward of success.
believe with all my heart that both husband and wife
• Waypower entails seeing the are made in the image of God, and, as such, are made
ways that a relationship can be for relationship. Whatever their deficiencies, when it
restored and possessing the skills comes to attitudes or skills, they are endowed with
needed to do what needs to be the capacity to love God and others, and also possess
done. Some couples already a yearning to love and be loved. I am convinced most
have excellent waypower; others, couple’s efforts are likely to bear fruit, if they have
like Dale and Donna, need hope in God, their partners, and themselves.

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 27
 Authors

Rev. Steven & Deb Christopher

Koster Hunt
Rev. Steven and Deb Koster both minister with Back Christopher Hunt is Marketing Communications
to God Ministries International (backtogod.net). Manager at ReFrame Media. He loves to see
Steven is the director of ReFrame Media, BTGMI’s God transform lives through the gospel. After an
English-language ministry (reframemedia.com). Deb unwanted divorce, Chris recommitted his life to Jesus
is completing her M.Div and is the producer for Family and experienced God’s complete transformation of
Fire, ReFrame’s marriage and family ministry. They who he was. For a season, he raised his two young
encourage families to thrive in the Holy Spirit online children on his own before he remarried. His wife,
at FamilyFire.com and off-line through marriage and Sarah, adopted his two children and they now have
parenting retreats. Together they explore spiritual, five wonderful kids. With a passion to encourage
emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy, good parents and families, Chris and Sarah serve together
boundaries and spiritual habits, and mentoring of the in children’s ministry and as small group leaders. Chris
next generation. Steven and Deb live in Grand Rapids, and his family live in Elgin, IL, a northwest suburb of
MI and have three fantastic grown children. Chicago.

Rev. Dr. Rob Dr. Robert J Ritzema,

Toornstra PHD
Rob Toornstra has pastored a church in Salem Bob Ritzema is a clinical psychologist, having received
Oregon for the past ten years. He has been married his doctorate from Kent State University. He has
to Amy for fifteen years, and together, they are worked for over 25 years as a psychotherapist and
enjoying the adventure of raising two girls and one more than 10 years as a college professor. He retired
boy. For fun, Rob enjoys cooking, reading, aviation, from Methodist University in 2012 to return to his
and geocaching. He is the author of “Naked and hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan in order to
Unashamed: How the Good News of Jesus Transforms assist his parents. He currently works part-time at
Intimacy” (Doulos, 2014). Psychology Associates of Grand Rapids and worships
at Monroe Community Church. He has two sons and
three grandchildren.

28 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
About Family Fire
Family Fire is a Christian ministry committed to fanning the flames of the Holy
Spirit in our family relationships. Family Fire hosts an active Facebook community
(facebook.com/familyfire) and offers a library of deeper resources on our website
(familyfire.com). We also offer live teaching events such as marriage and parenting
retreats. Together we explore spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy and how
we should live as members of a Spirit-fed family.

Romans 8:14-17 tells us, “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.
For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have
received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit
himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children,
then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in
order that we may also be glorified with him.”

Discussing God’s design for marriage and parenting, Family Fire is produced by
Pastor Steven and Deb Koster. Steven is the Director of ReFrame Media and he
is passionate about using media to build communities of faith. Deb Koster is a
producer, writer, and speaker for Family Fire. After over 25 years as a Registered
Nurse, she is following her passion for family ministry and pursuing her Master’s
degree in Ministry. The Kosters are the parents of three awesome young adults and
reside in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 29
 Forgiveness: A Guide
to Relationship Repair

We’ve all been hurt by someone close.

Wounds can be deep. Yet, God calls us to forgive.
“Forgiveness: A Guide to Relationship Repair,” an ebook from Family Fire,
equips you to heal and repair your relationships through forgiveness.

To learn more visit

familyfire.com/forgive

30 | FAMILYFIRE.COM
 TEN RULES FOR
FAIR FIGHTING
By Steven & Deb Koster

FAMILYFIRE.COM

10 Rules for Fair Fighting

When married couples fight,

what matters to God is how we fight.
Let Family Fire equip you and your spouse to resolve conflict with love,
to build-up and strengthen your marriage.

To get the eBook “10 Rules for Fair Fighting,” visit

familyfire.com/10rules

FAMILYFIRE.COM | 31
 Sign up online to get encouragements like this booklet
in your inbox at GetFamilyFire.com

FamilyFire.com

Family Fire is the marriage and family outreach of

ReframeMedia.com
ReFrame Media is the North American ministry of Back to God Ministries International.

We reframe people’s lives with the gospel, at home and abroad, on the air and online.

Discover our programs for all ages at ReFrameMedia.com.

1700 28th Street SE

Grand Rapids, MI 49508-1407

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© 2017

Published by ReFrame Media

1700 28th Street SE | Grand Rapids, MI 49508-1407

ReFrameMedia.com
Producer: Deb Koster
Editors: Steven Koster, Robin Basselin, Chris Hunt
Design and Layout by Five Q

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without permission
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