Incorrect Fix/avoid correction

Mrs Monica Kullan

Senior Nurse Practitioner

University of Marchbank Health Centre

Hillsdunne Rd

Marchbank

30 August 2019

Dear Mrs Kullan,

Re: Jake Peterson, D.O.B 17/03/2001 Commented [OG1]: Since you are mostly following the
British use of punctuations, do not separate DOB with
I am writing to introduce Jake Peterson, a 18 -year -old male who has alopecia and possible periods.
It is a general rule in any type of writing that you should be
depression for monitoring and further management at your University. consistent when either writing in British or American
styles.
1. Jake or Mr Jake.
Commented [OG2]: Let’s talk about this statement:
2. an 18-year-old male… articles follow the sounds. Eighteen. Jack Paterson, an 18-year-old male this phrase is an
3. , for … appositive phrase which adds extra information for the
noun, Jack Paterson.
4. university. … who has alopecia and possible depression is a relative
clause, and in this case, it’s a defining relative clause for the
Five years ago, Jake presented with hair loss and was anxious after a bullying incident at school. Two noun phrase “an 18-year-old male”.
months later, he was seen by the trichologist and was commenced on betamethasone cream which At the beginning and by the end of the appositive +
relative clause, add a comma to separate them from the
was discontinued after a personality change. rest of the sentence, which is “I am writing to introduce
Jack Paterson for monitoring and further management at
5. , which was … nondefining relative clause. your university”.
Thus, it would look like this:
Jake's condition stabilized from 2014 to 2018. End of last year hair loss started again and he was very I am writing to introduce Jake Peterson, an 18-year-old
male who has alopecia and possible depression, for
anxious. In addition, he had lost six kilograms in two months. He was referred for medical advice and monitoring and further management at your university.
he opted to try homeopathy. However, it became very expensive and yet with no improvement.
During the examination time, he became extremely anxious and hair was worse. A private room was
available for him.

6. End of last year, Commented [OG3]: To use the past perfect, you need
7. the hair loss. two events.
8. , and he was … compound sentence. The first event describes the beginning of the story “written
in the past perfect tense”, while the second event talks
9. he lost six … about the ending “written in the past simple tense”.
10. it was very expensive, and he had no improvement. For example: He had already been managed by the time he
arrived at the hospital.
11. At the time of examination, or by the time… or during the examination, This means that before he arrived “the ending of the story”,
12. , and his hair loss has become worse. he already had received management. “the beginning of
the story.”
Family history shows that Jake's father is bald and his mother has depression. Commented [OG4]: Does not sound nice nor formal
when you read it out loud.
 Incorrect Fix/avoid correction

His alcohol consumption has increased to 28 units per week. Commented [OG5]: When writing about the background
history, make sure to write it in a single paragraph.
13. He has a family of male pattern baldness from his father.
14. , and his mother has …

It would be greatly appreciated if you could organize special examination arrangements for Jake.

Please monitor him, he has fear for changing the environment. Commented [OG6]: This means that he fears changing
the environment, which is incorrect.
15. Given the above, it would be appreciated if you could …, and please monitor his condition.
16.

If you have any queries, pertaining to Jake do not hesitate to contact me.

17. If you have any queries pertaining to Jake, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Nurse

320 Commented [OG7]: Make sure to form a cohesive, well

organised letter. Join related case notes with each other in a
Model answer: single paragraph with respect to their type and time:
Background information
Previous visits
I am writing to introduce Mr Peterson, an 18-year-old student who will be attending the Today’s visit
University of Marchbank but is concerned about the transition and independent living.
Commented [OG8]: This is a proper noun which requires
capitalisation.
Mr Peterson has been attending our boarding school for eight years, where he lives away
from his parents. He does not smoke but drinks around 28 units of alcohol since last May.
He has a family history of depression from his mother and male pattern baldness from his
father. Commented [OG9]: Background paragraph/social history

For the past five years, Mr. Paterson has had anxiety and patchy hair loss, which had no
identifiable cause and ceased to happen for the next four years. He was prescribed a steroid
cream for around three months, which he discontinued because of some side effects. Commented [OG10]: Previous history

Recently, however, Mr Peterson was extremely anxious and had low mood and hair loss, in
addition to a decrease by 6kg of weight over the last two months. He expressed that his
condition has affected his ability to form and maintain relationships and sports
participation. Commented [OG11]: Latest events/Today’s visit
paragraph
Given the above, it would be appreciated if you could provide a special exam arrangement
and offer continuous monitoring for Mr Peterson at your medical practice.
If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me. Commented [OG12]: Conclusion