ACT TWO

SCENE TWO HAR-DE-HAR HUT

(WILBUR and EDNA are at home later that day. WILBUR is busily working on ajumbo hairspray can model. EDNA is on
the phone.)

EDNA: Hello? Yes, Mr. Pinky. Yes, of course I understand you have an empire to protect. Yes. I'll return the outfits. The petti
pants too. I scarcely wore them twice... but Mr. Pinky, she's just a little girl and little girls make mistakes. If they didn't-
where would other little girls come from? Yes, I understand ... it is too bad ... Goodbye.
(She hangs up and bursts into hysterics.)
Oh, Wilbur, I think I'm going mental!

WILBUR: I 'm closing up.

(A "Rube Goldberg" type trick pulls the "closed" sign on the shop.)

EDNA: Wilbur I’m afraid! There are names for women who abandon their daughters who've gotten themselves arrested
for trying to integrate an after-school, sock hop type television show.

WILBUR: You can't worry about people calling you names. You know how many times I've been called "crazy"? But I say,
"Yeah, crazy. Crazy like a loon." Anyway, we haven't abandoned Tracy. In fact, I got just what she needs here; stand
back.

EDNA: Impressive. But how's it gonna help our Tracy?

WILBUR: You'll be surprised.
EDNA: Oh, sure! Tracy's a teen idol reshaping the world. And what am I? I had a dream too, you know. I used to make all
my own clothes, remember?

WILBUR: You were good, Edna.

EDNA: Yeah? And where's it gotten me? Twenty years later I'm still washing and mending and ironing everyone else's
clothing.

WILBUR: One day, Edna.

EDNA: No day, Wilbur. My time's come and gone. I'm a worn out pair of bobby sox, and the elastic's all stretched. Oh,
Wilbur, I suddenly feel so old.

"{You're) Timeless to Me"

Styles keep a-changing, the world's rearranging

But Edna, you're timeless to me
Hemlines are shorter, a beer crossed a quarter
But time cannot take what comes free

You're like a stinky old cheese, babe

Just getting riper with age
You're like the fatal disease, babe
But there's no cure so let this fever rage

Some folks can't stand it, say time is a bandit

But I take the opposite view
'Cause when I need a lift, time brings a gift
Another day with you

A twist or a waltz, it's all the same schmaltz

With just a change in the scenery
You'll never be old hat, that's that
You're timeless to me

Oh, Wilbur, I love you

Fads keep a-fading, Castro's invading

But Wilbur, you're timeless to me
Hairdos are higher, mine feels like barbed wire
But you say I'm chic as can be

You're like a rare vintage ripple

A vintage they'll never forget
So pour me a teeny weenie triple
And we can toast the fact, we ain't dead yet

I can't stop eating, your hairline's receding

And soon you'll have nothing at all
So, you'll wear a wig while I roast a pig
Hey, pass that Geritol

Glenn Miller had brass, that Chubby Checker's at gas

But they all pass eventually
 You'll never be passé, hip hooray
You're timeless to me

You're like a broken down Chevy

All I need is a fresh coat of paint
And Edna, you got me going hot and heavy
You're fat and old, baby, boring, you ain't

Some folks don't get it but we never fret it

'Cause we know that time is our friend
Yeah, it's plain to see that you're stuck with me
Until the bitter end

And we got a kid who's blowing the lid

Off the Turnblad family tree
You'll always hit the spot, big shot
You're timeless to me

You'll always be du jour, mon amour

You're timeless to me
You'll always be first string, ring a ding ding
You're timeless to me

You're timeless to me
You're timeless to me
You're timeless to me

(End of Scene Two)

SCENE THREE
TRACY'S & PENNY'S BEDROOM
Movie scene
PENNY: Trace?! Is that you come here!!

TRACY: Penny! Help me, I’m here!

(Shift to Pingleton’s basement)

PENNY: Stay there trace!

PRUDY: Penny Lou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. This one's for being willful. This one's
for being deceitful. This one's for being neglectful. And this one's for crying "Wee wee wee," all the way home.

(The phone rings.)

PRUDY: Why is it every time you tie your daughter up, the phone rings?

LINK: Mr. and Mrs. Turnblad, how’s tracy?

WILBUR: Oh Link, boy what are you doing here?

EDNA: My dear tracy is hiding the cops, I hope too she’s okay.

(PRUDY exitsjust as SEAWEED appears in the window.)

SEAWEED: Psst! Penny!

PENNY: Seaweed! Shhh! Don't let my mother hear you.

SEAWEED: What happened?

PENNY: She's punishing me for going to jail without her permission.

SEAWEED: I've come to rescue the fair maiden from her tower.

PENNY: Oh, Seaweed, you do care! I was worried it was just a lonely teenager's forbidden fantasy.

SEAWEED: From the first moment I saw you, I knew that even the colors of our skin couldn't keep us apart.
(struggling with the rope)
SEAWEED: But, damn, these knots are something else.

PENNY: Hurry, Seaweed!

"Without Love"
Once I was a selfish fool
Who never understood
Never looked inside myself
Though on the outside, I looked good
Then we met and you made me
The man I am today
Tracy, I'm in love with you
No matter what you weigh
'Cause without love
Life is like the seasons with no summer
Without love
Life is rock 'n' roll without a drummer
Tracy, I'll be yours forever
'Cause I never wanna be without love
Tracy, never set me free, no, I ain't lying
Never set me free, Tracy, no, no, no
Living in the ghetto
Black is everywhere ya go
Who'd have thought I'd love a girl
Whose skin was white as winter snow
In my ivory tower
Life was just a Hostess snack
But now I've tasted chocolate
And I'm never going back
'Cause without love
Life is like a beat that you can't follow
Without love
Life is Doris Day at The Apollo
Darling, I'll be yours forever
'Cause I never wanna be without love
So darling, never set me free
No, I'm yours forever
Never set me free, no, no, no
If I'm left without my baby doll
I don't know what I'll do
Link, I've got to break out
So that I can get my hands on you
And girl, if I can't touch you
Then I'm gonna lose control
Seaweed, you're my black white knight
I've found my blue-eyed soul
Sweet freedom is our goal
Trace, I wanna kiss you
Let me out at the next toll
Without love
Life is like a prom that won't invite us
Without love
It's like getting my big break and laryngitis
Without love
Life's a '45 when you can't buy it
Without love
Life is like my mother on a diet
Like a week that's only Mondays
Only ice cream, never sundaes
Like a circle with no center
Like a door marked 'Do Not Enter'
Darling, I'll be yours forever
'Cause I never wanna be without love
Yes, now you've captured me
Without love, I surrender happily
Without love, oh Seaweed
Never set me free , no, no, no, I ain't lying
Never set me free, no, no, no
No, I don't wanna live without love, love, love
Darling, you had best believe me
Never leave me without love
SCENE FOUR MOTOR.MOUTH'S INSPIRATION
(As the scene shifts we hear the sounds of sirens and helicopters and thunder and rain.  MOTORMOUTH gazes out the
window. LORRAINE, DUANE, GILBERT, and  CINDY are watching the  TV with rapt attention.)

MOTORMOUTH: It's a mess out there.

 CINDY: Good night for a jail break.

LORRAIN E: Ms. Motormouth, look! Now it's on cha n nel two!

(She turns up the sound on the television...)
NEWSCASTER (v.o.): ...Elsewhere in local news, teenage TV personality and rabble rouser, Tracy Turnblad, has escaped
from the Baltimore Women's House of Detention. Authorities believe she may have been aided by the once promising,
formerly wholesome teen idol, Link Larkin. If sighted, citizens are asked to notify pol ice or, if phone service is not availa
ble, sim ply
shoot to ki ll. In entertai n ment news, Eva Ma rie is no sai nt ...

MOTORMOUTH: (switching off the TV)  Lord have pity, it's a crazy city.

(sound of a door slamming )
Who's at the backdoor?
(SEAWEED enters with  PENNY.)

MOTORMOUTH: My baby. And... Penny, is it?

PENNY: Yes, ma'am.

LITTLE INEZ: Seaweed's got a girlfriend.

SEAWEED: Is it okay I brought her home? I had to get her away from her nasty ass mama.

MOTORMOUTH: Hush, now. Don't explain. I got an inklin' in a twinklin' first time I seen you two dancing together.

PENNY: And you don't mind?

MOTORMOUTH: I never mind love. It's a gift from above. But not everyone remembers that. So you two better brace
yourselves for a whole lot of ugly comin' at you from a never-ending parade of stupid.

PEN NY: That's okay. My mother's gonna kill me anyway.

(There is a knock at the door.)
LITTLE INEZ: No she won't. She'll kill him!

LINK: (entering with  TRACY) Hey, Miz Motormouth. We broke Tracy out of jail.

GILBERT: We know. It's been on all three channels!

TRACY: The jailbreak was easy compared to getting a cab to this side of town.

MOTORMOUTH: Well, we all gotta get busy. Only twenty-four hours till Miss Hairspray, and it's gonna be on national TV. We
may never get another chance like this. And this time we'll start by getting Corny and the guards at the studio to help us.

PENNY: Maybe your Dad could help, too. He sometimes has ideas.

SEAWEED: And I know a guy who...

TRACY: (interrupting  SEAWEED) No, I've got to turn myself in and go back to jail.

LITTLE INEZ: Say what?

LINK: Tracy, no.

TRACY: I can't put all of you in any more danger. We should've thought more before we broke out. My father could lose the
Har-De-Har Hut. And, Link, you could go to prison for what you did tonight...

LINK: (pleading innocence)  Just first base in the back of the cab. I swear.

TRACY: ...And Ms. Motormouth, we've just been on three

channels of news; I don't want you to get arrested for harboring a fugitive. And, Penny...your mother will kill you!

LITTLE INEZ: (impatiently correcting again) No! She'll kill him!

LORRAINE: Listen, I've already been to jail one time for backing up the white girl. Don't mind sittin' this round out!

DUANE: I hear you. Besides, we already tried it and it didn't work.

TRACY: Anyway, this time it won't be like Mother-Daughter Day.

Mrs. Von Tussle said there'll be armed guards at the Eventorium. ·

PENNY: With arms.

TRACY: Someone could get shot.

GILBERT: And for what? Just so we can dance on some Oh-fay show?

MOTORMOUTH: Hold it! Nobody ever said this was gonna be easy. If something's worth having, it's worth fighting for.
Tracy, why did you start all this in the first place? Was it just to dance on TV?
 TRACY: No.

MOTORMOUTH: Was it so you could get the boy?

TRACY: No, I almost lost him because of it.

MOTORMOUTH: Then maybe it was just to get yourself famous.

TRACY: (taking exception, slightly)  No. I just think it's stupid we can't all dance together.

MOTORMOUTH: So you tried once and you failed. We can't get

lazy when things get crazy. Children, you were not the first to try and you won't be the last, but I am here to tell you that
I'm gonna keep lining up until someday somebody breaks through. And I've been looking at that door a lot longer than
you.

TRACY: What door?
MOTORMOUTH: The front door.

SCENE FIVE
MISS TEENAGE HAIRSPRAY
(The Baltimore Eventorium. Lights and music herald The Corny Coffins Spectacular. A Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962
scoreboard shows AMBER leading  TRACY by a few votes. Drum roll. . . CORNY appears on stage.)

"And now, live, from the certified up-to-code Baltimore Eventorium

For the first time ever on nationwide television
It's The Corny Collins Spectacular"

"He's Corny"

"Brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray"

"What gives a girl

Power and punch?
Is it charm, is it poise?
No, it's hairspray"

"What gets a gal

Asked out to lunch
Is it brains, is it dough?
No, it's hairspray"

"If you take a ride

With no can at your side
Then your flip will be gone
With the wind"

"But if you spray it and lock it,

You can take off in a rocket
And in outer space
Each hair will be in place"

"Why take a chance

When you get up and dance
If you twist, I insist
You use hairspray"

"And tell your mother

Her head she should smother
With ultra-clutch faithfully"

"So if you're a redhead,

A blond or brunette
Just take my advice
And you might just get
The only thing better than hairspray"

"That's me"

"Ska-doo-dle-e-ya
Doo-dle-e-ya do wah"

"Forget the milkman

The only thing better than hairspray"

"Hairspray, wow"

"That's me"
 "What makes a man
Reach out and touch?
Ultra clutch"

"So if you're a redhead,

A blond or brunette
Just take my advice
And you might just get"

"The only thing better than hairspray

That's me"

"Ska-doo-dle-e-ya
Doo-dle-e-ya do wah"

"He's Corny Collins"

"The only thing better than hairspray

"Hairspray, now"

"That's me"

"Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah
Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah
Do wow"

"Hey, baby, you look like

You could use a stiff one"

"Ska-doo-dle-e-ya-do do wah"

(Applause. A  MAN in a hat and afake nose enters pushing a gigantic hairspray can.  VELMA approaches suspiciously.)

VELMA: And we're off for network commercial. What the hell is this?

MAN (WILBUR): Product placement. The sponsor insists.

VE LMA: What a relief. We needed a little something there.

(suddenly shifting)

WILBUR: Honest, Velma, I'm a total stronger.

(VELMA whips off his hat and funny glasses to reveal WILBUR).

VELMA: You!

WILBUR: Damn!

VELMA: (calling for back-up) Guards! Riot squad! I want everybody out of the lobby and up here pronto.
(SEAWEED and three  MOTORMOUTH BOYS dressed as GUARDS run in from the aisle.)

AMBER: (leaning into the shot)  At very  large.

CORNY: And now for the talent portion of the competition where our Miss Hairspray might just be a foregone conclusion.
Still, our rules say the contestant has to dance for it. Ready, Amber?

AMBER: Ready as a rabbit on Easter, Corny. Tracy Turnblad, this song is all about you.

"Cooties"
They came from way far out in outer space ooh-ooh
Shes hard to miss and so they landed on her face
She's got cooties (Cooties)
They found a place to nest
She's got cooties (Cooties)
If I were her I'd be depressed
Long tailed sharp nailed fuzzy legs laying eggs
She's got cooties (cooties)
In science class she's like a walking show and tell
She's got cooties
You'll know she's coming down the hall from just the smell
She's got cooties (Cooties)
Nobody wants to sut by her
She's got cooties (Cooties)
Don't need a coat 'cause she's got fur
Circle circle dot dot dot
Hurry get your cootie shot
Dresses like a circus clown somebody oughta hose her down
Grew up in a cootie zoo
 I bet her two ton mama's got 'em too
And that's for you

WILBUR: Not a chance.

VELMA: Well, if she's hiding in that can, she'll rot in that can.

Guard, if anybody so much as touches that thing...open fire!

MOTORMOUTH: (dressed as a guard wearing a riot helmet) Understood, Ma'am.

(MOTORMOUTH pulls WI LBUR off.)
WI LBU R: You win this time, Von Tussle. You're one clever woman, I'l l say that.

VELMA: (to  SEAWEED) Get out!

(SEAWEED exits up the theatre aisle.)
And coming back to Corny on camera one in 3... 2...

CORNY: Thank you ladies, gentlemen, and kids. I'm now ready to consume the title of Miss Teenage Hairspray.
(CORNY leads SPRITZER on. SPRITZE R carries the crown and bouquet.)
CORNY: Just to be sure, I think we'd better check the board.

SPRITZER: Could we please see the tally?

(ALL tum to the scoreboard. The numbers spin and
AMBER is the winner by a few votes.)
SPRITZER: Yes, Amber Von Tussle just squeaks in as the winner.
She's got cooties

AMBER: What'd I tell you? Give me the crown, give me the flowers, and everybody start bowing!
(AMBER snatches the crown and slaps it onto her head.

VELMA puts the Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962 sash on

AMBER.)
TRACY: (from the theatre aisle)  Not so fast, Amber. Look who's coming in the front door.
(an explosion of music and light)

CORNY: Right on schedule! I mean, I know nothing about this complex plan. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the never to
be counted out Tracy Turnblad!

(A spotlight picks up TRACY as she makes her way up the aisle, singing, dancing, and celebrating. She is followed
by LINK, PENNY, SEAWEED, the BLACK FEMALE ENSEMBLE, and
LITTLE INEZ.)

"You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 1)

You can't stop an avalanche
As it races down the hill
You can try to stop the seasons, girl
But you know you never will

And you can try to stop my dancin' feet

But I just cannot stand still
'Cause the world keeps spinning
'Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time
To the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums
Then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since this whole world began

A woman found out if she shook it
She could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that I can today

'Cause you cant stop the motion of the ocean

Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna, but I never ask why
And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you can't stop the beat!

You can't stop the river as it rushes to the sea

You can try to stop the hands of time, but you know it just can't be!
And if they try to stop us, Seaweed, I've got the N double A.C.P.

'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round

And my heart's keepin' time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Ever since we first saw the light

A man and woman like to shake it on a Saturday night
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today
'Cause you cant stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise we're dreamin' of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay
'Cause you cant stop the beat!

You can't stop my happiness, 'cause I like the way I am

And you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas Ham!
So, if you don't like the way I look, well, I just don't give a damn!

'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round

And my hearts keepin' time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since this whole world began

A woman found out if she shook it she could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today!
'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky
You can wonder, if you wanna, but I never ask why
And if you try to hold me down, I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you can't stop the beat!

Oh, Oh, Oh
You can't stop today (No!)
As it comes speeding 'round the track (oooh, child yes!)
Yesterday is history (be gone!)
And it's never comin' back! (look ahead, 'cause)
'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day, and it don't know white from black (yeah!)

'Cause the world keeps spinnin' round and round

And my heart's keepin' time to the speed of sound
I was lost 'til I heard the drums, then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Ever since we first saw the light

A man and woman like to shake it on a Saturday night
So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it with all of my might today!
'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean, or the rain from above
They can try to stop the paradise we're dreamin' of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay
'Cause you can't stop the beat!

Aah, aah, aah

Ahh, ahh, ahh
Ahh, ahh, ahh ahh

Ever since we first saw the sign

A man or woman like to shake it when the day is ooh ooh
And so we're gonna shake and shimmy it and have some fun today!
'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above
You can try to stop the paradise we're dreamin' of
But you cannot stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay!
'Cause you can't stop the beat!
You can't stop the beat
You can't stop the beat
You can't stop the beat
You can't stop the beat

WILBUR: My masterpiece. Seaweed, would you give me a hand?

SEAWEED: Comin' right up, Mr. T!

EDNA
"You Can't Stop the Beat" (part 2)
'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round
And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound
I was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way
Keeps spinning 'Round and 'round Keeping time
To the speed of sound Till I heard the drums Then I found my way

A woman found out if she shook it She could shake u p a ma n

 And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today

ALL (continued)
'Cause you can't stop
The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wan na But I never ask why

And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in you r eye and say

MOTORMOUTH (contin ued)
I was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way
'Cause you can't stop the beat

ALL
Ever since we first saw the light
A man and woman liked to shake it On a Saturday night
BACKU P (conti n u.ed) Till I heard the drums Then I found my way
That you can't stop the beat!

MOTORMOUTH
Step aside, Miss Buttercup... it's time to wrap this mutha up!

ALL
'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above
They can try to stop the paradise We're dreaming of
But they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay
'Cause you can't stop the beat! You can't stop the beat!!
You can't stop the beat! !!

CORNY: Everyone, look... Look at the scoreboard!

(ALL turn to see the scoreboard spontaneously com busting, showing TRACY is the overwhelming winner.)
Tracy Turnblad, I declare you Miss Teenage Hairspray 1962!

VELMA & AMBER: No!

AMBER: It's wrong! It's just so wrong!

LITTLE INEZ: (to  AMBER) Hand over that halo, honey.

AMBER: You'll have to rip it from my cold, dead hands.

LITTLE INEZ: That'll work.

TRACY: You can keep your stupid crown, Amber. I have my heart set on something a lot more important.

LINK: Would that happen to be,,. me?

TRACY: Ofcourse you, Link. But I also want a graduate degree in musicology with a minor in ethnic studies, And I want to be
the first one to say, The Corny Collins Show is now and forevermore officially integrated!
(A cheerfills the Eventorium.)
CORNY: America look up! Here's history right before your eyes.
Television will never be the same.

SPRITZER: (to LINK and TRACY) America would like to hear you two kids sing our new theme song. I think I can get you a
recording contract.

LINK: My big break!

TRACY: Mama, we did it! We're on national TV.

EDNA: National television? America, I made this myself!

LINK: This may not be the right moment since we're on national but I wanna say that, I’m inlove with you!
TRACY: Well, I love you too!
(They kiss.)

(Curtain}
(£nd of Show)