“LAST TEA”

Dorothy Parker (1893-1967)

The young man in the chocolate-brown suit sat down at the table, where the
girl with the artificial, camellia had been sitting for forty minutes.
"Guess I must be late," he said. "Sorry you been waiting."
"Oh, goodness" she said "I just got here myself, just about second ago. I
simply went ahead an1 ordered because I was dying for a cup of tea. I was late,
myself. I haven't been here more than a minute.
"That's good," he said. "Hey, hey", easy on the sugar-one lump is fair enough,
аnd take away those cakes. Terrible! Do I feel terrible?"
"Ah," she said, "you do? Ah, Whada matter?" "Oh, I’m ruined, said “I’m in
terrible shape.”
"Ah, the poor boy," she said. “Was it feelin’ mizzable? Ah, and you came
way up here to meet me! You shouldn’t have done that I’d have understood. Ah,
just think of it coming all the way up here when it’s so sick!
“Oh, that’s all right,” he said. “I might as well be here as any place else. Any
place is like any other place, the way I feel today. Oh, I’m all short.”
"Why, that’s just awful," she said, "Why, you poor sick thing Goodness, I
hope it isn't influenza. They say there's a lot 01 it around."
"Influenza'" he said, "I wish that was all I had. Oh, I'm poisoned. I'm through.
I'm off the stuff for life. Know what time I got to bed? Twenty minutes past five,
A. M., this morning. What a night! What an evening!"
“I thought," She said, "that you were going to slay at the office and work late.
You said you'd be working every night this week"
"Yeah, I know," he said. "But it gave me the jumps, thinking about going
down there and sitting at that desk. I went up to May's - she was throwing a party.
Say, there was somebody there said they knew you."
"Honestly?" she said, "Man or woman?"
"Dame," he said, "Name's Carol McCall. Say, why haven't I been told about
her before? That's what I call a girl. What a looker she is'"
"Oh, really?" she said, "That's funny - I never heard of anyone that thought
that. I've heard people say she was sort of nice, looking, if she wouldn't make up so
much. But I never heard of anyone that thought she was pretty.”
"Pretty is right," he said. "What a couple of eyes she’s got on her!”
"Really?" she said. “I never noticed them particularly. But I haven’t seen her
for a long time – sometimes people charge, or something.”
"She says she used to go to school with you," he said "Well, we went to the
same school," she said, "I simply happened to go to public school because it
happened to be right near us, and Mother hated to have me crossing streets. But
she was three or four classes ahead of me. She's ages older than I am."
"She's three or four classes ahead of them all," he said. "Dance! Can she step!
Burn your clothes, baby. I kept telling her. I must have been fried pretty."
"I was out dancing myself, last night," she said, "Wally Dillon and I. He's just
been pestering me to go out with him. He's the most I wonderful dancer.
Goodness! I didn't get home till don't know what time I must look just simply a
wreck. Don't I?"
“You look all right,” he said.
“Wally crazy,” she said. “The things he says! For some crazy reason or other,
he’s got into his head that I’ve got beautiful eyes, and, well he just kept talking
about them till I didn’t know where to look, I was so embarrassed. I got so red; I
thought everybody in the place would be looking at me. I got just as red as a brick.
Beautiful eyes! Isn’t he crazy?”
"He's all right." he said, "Say, this little McCall girl she's had all kinds of
offers to go into moving pictures. “Why don't, you go ahead and go?" I told her.
But she says she doesn't feel like it»
"There was a man up at the lake, two summers ago," she said, "He was a
director or something with one of the big moving - picture people - oh, he had all
kinds of influence! - and, he used to keep insisting and insisting that I ought to be
doing sort of Gardo parts. I used to just laugh at him. Imagine”
"She's had about a million offers," he said, "I told her to go ahead and go.
She keeps getting these offers all the time.”
"Oh, really?" she said. "Oh, listen, I knew I had something task you. Did you
call me up last night, by any chance?" "Me?" he said. "No, I didn't call you."
"While I was out, Mother said this man's voice kept calling up," she said.
"I thought maybe it might be you, by some chance. I wonder who it could
have been. Oh -- I guess I know who it was Yes, that’s who it was!"
"No, I didn't call you," he said. “I couldn’t have seen a telephone, last night.
What a head I had on me, this morning! I called Carol up: around ten, and she
said she was feeling great. Can that girl hold her liquor?"
"It's a funny thing about me, “she said. "It just makes me feel sort or sick to
see a girl drink. It's just something in me, I guess. I don't mind a man so much, but
it makes me feel perfectly terrible to see a girl get intoxicated. It's just the way I
am, suppose. "
"Does she carry it!" he said. "And then feels great the next day.
There's a girl! Hey: what are you doing, there? I don't want any more tea,
thanks. I'm not one of these tea boys. And these tea rooms give me the jumps.
Look at all those old dames, will you? Enough to give you the jumps."
"Of course, if you'd rather be some place, drinking, with I don't know what
kinds of people," she said, "I'm sure I don't see how I can help that. Goodness,
there are enough people that are glad enough to take me to tea. I don't know how
many people keep calling me up and pestering me to take me to tea. Plenty of
people!"
"All right, all right, I'm here, aren’t I? He said, «Keep your hair on."
"I could name them all day, «she said.
"All right.” he said "What's, there to crab about?"
"Goodness, It isn’t any of my business what you do," she said.
But I hate to see you wasting your time with people that aren’t nearly good
enough for you. That's all.
"No need worrying over me," he said. "I'll be all right. Listen.
 You don't have to worry."
"It's just I don't like to see you wasting your time", she said "staying up all
night and then feeling terribly the next day. Ah, I was, forgetting he was so sick.
Ah, I was mean, wasn't I, scolding him when he was so mizzable. Poor boy. How's
he feel now?"
"Oh, I'm all right." he said, «I feel fine. You want anything else? How about
getting a check? I got to make a telephone call before six."
"Oh, really?" she said, "Calling up Carol?" "She said she might be in around
now," he said. "Seeing her tonight?" she said.
"She's going to let me know when I call up," he said "She's probably got
about
a million dates, Why?"
"I was just wondering," she said. "Goodness, I've got to fIy! I'm having dinner
with Welly, and he's so crazy, he's probably there now. He's called me up about a
hundred times today."
"Wait till I pay the check," he said, "and I'II put you on a bus." "Oh, don't
bother," she said. "It's right at the corner. I've got to fly.
I suppose you want to stay and call up your friend from here?" "It's an idea,"
he said. "Sure you'll be all right?"
"Oh, sure," she said. Busily she gathered her gloves and purse and left her
chair. He rose, not quite fully, as she stopped beside him.
"When'll I see you again?" she said.
"I'll call you up," he said. "I'm all tied up, down at the office and everything.
Tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a ring."
"Honestly, I have more dates!" she said. "It's terrible. I don't know when I’ll
have a minute. But you call up, will you?" "I’ll do that," he said. "Take care of
yourself."
"You take care of yourself," she said. "Hope you'll feel all right."
"Oh, I'm fine," he said. "Just beginning to come back to life." "Be sure and let
me know how you feel," she said. "Will you? Sure, now? Well, good – bye. Oh,
have a good time tonight!" "Thanks," he said. "Hope you have a good time, too"
"Oh, I will," she said." I expect to. I've got to rush! Oh, I nearly forgot!
Thanks ever so much for the tea. It was lovely." "Be yourself, will you?" he said.
"It was," she said. "Well. Now don't forget to call me up, will you? Sure?
Well, good- by." "Solong." he said.
She walked on down the little line between the blue-painted tables.