“The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction is a brilliant blend of psychology and spirituality.

Williams and
Kraft have written a breakthrough manual, clearly and intelligently laid out, that blends the most current
understanding of addiction with the powerful practices of mindfulness. One of the best books on living
with integrity we have read in years.”
—Michele Hébert, author of The Tenth Door, and Mehrad Nazari, PhD,
director of the Raja Yoga Institute

“What a gift! This wonderful workbook will help you understand how addictions function as a false
remedy for negative feelings. It is packed with stories, metaphors, worksheets, and activities that will
teach you how to befriend your mind and use it as a resource for recovery and fulfillment. The authors
use everyday language to describe the complexities of the human condition, and help you systematically
learn and practice skills to accept your feelings, live with integrity by honoring your values, and enrich
your relationships. The workbook can be used by individuals or groups and will make a great adjunct for
psychotherapy.”
—Heidi A. Zetzer, PhD, director of the Hosford Counseling & Psychological Services Clinic
at the University of California, Santa Barbara

“Refreshing, unique, and practical. The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction is an impressive synthesis of
Eastern and Western techniques designed to help those struggling with addiction find a path towards
healing and transformation. Through the use of mindfulness practices, cognitive-behavioral exercises,
case examples and relevant metaphors, the authors entice readers to actively participate in their own
recovery. This workbook offers creative, new ideas and practical recovery tools designed to facilitate real
and lasting change. I can’t wait to use it with my clients!”
—Phylis Wakefield, PhD, psychologist, specialist in addiction and trauma and
coauthor of Couple Therapy for Alcoholism

“With warmth and patience, The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction guides the reader step-by-step
through a journey toward self-understanding, self-acceptance, responsibility, and healing. With practical
knowledge of how painful emotions drive us to act against our own well-being and how to free ourselves
from this struggle, Williams and Kraft have provided an invaluable resource for people in recovery and
the therapists who aid them. Mental health professionals are offered a comprehensive map of the emo-
tional ground traveled in recovery from addictions and other self-defeating behaviors, with spot-on
teaching stories that illustrate each stage of the process.”
—Laura E. Forsyth, PhD, supervisor of psychological counseling at Moorpark College
and psychologist in private practice serving adults with ADHD, depression and
anxiety in Camarillo, CA
“With an engaging and conversational tone, Williams and Kraft show you how to change the energy of
addiction. Their practical strategies allow addictive personalities to dig deep and tackle the genesis of
their destructive behaviors and trigger positive-mindset solutions for living a more powerful life.”
—Stacey Canfield, author of The Soul Sitter Handbook

“The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction is a practical, easy-to-read book that addresses addictions of all
varieties. The workbook is rich in offering tools and insights that everyone can benefit from, whether
they struggle with an addiction or not. The authors nicely use case examples and metaphors to bring the
concepts alive. This will be a valuable resource to anyone seeking to learn new skills for overcoming an
addiction.”
—Lee Williams, PhD, professor of marital and family therapy at the University of
San Diego and co-author of Essential Assessment Skills for Couple and Family Therapists

“Williams and Kraft teach readers in a clear, compassionate, and concise way how to observe painful
feelings as they arise. By learning how to tolerate and investigate their present-moment experiences,
readers can stop harmful behaviors and make more valued life choices. This guide will be an essential
addition to the library of anyone struggling with addiction and difficult emotions, and for all therapists
who want to utilize an effective approach to help people live fuller, healthier lives.”
—Shoshana Shea, PhD, clinical psychologist focusing on mindfulness-based cognitive therapy
in San Diego

“The authors have created a tool that can benefit all people who are dealing with addictions. The
Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction integrates our best treatments for addiction and the emotional suf-
fering that comes with it. This is a clear, step-by-step approach that will help readers move from trying
(and failing) to avoid pain to living the life that they want to live, consistent with their values and free
from the substance to which they are addicted. The focus on a nonjudgmental stance and acceptance of
one’s self while also facing challenges and changing behaviors provides readers with the key tools needed
to change their lives.”
—John R. McQuaid, PhD, associate chief of mental health at San Francisco VA
Medical Center, professor of clinical psychology in the Department of Psychiatry
at the University of California, San Francisco and coauthor of Peaceful Mind

“Here is a book that tells the truth about addiction—that it is driven largely by emotional pain. And here
finally is a book that provides the mindfulness tools that will aid in recovery from pain and addiction.”
—Matthew McKay, PhD, professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA
and coauthor of Thoughts & Feelings
 the
mindfulness workbook
for addiction
A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress, and
Anger that Trigger Addictive Behaviors

REBECCA E. WILLIAMS, P H D
JULIE S. KRAFT, MA

New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

 Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter
covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial,
legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent profes-
sional should be sought.

The names and events in this workbook are fictional. Any likeness to real people is coincidental.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2012 by R
 ebecca E. Williams and Julie S. Kraft
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson;

Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Edited by Nelda Street

All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

Williams, Rebecca E.
The mindfulness workbook for addiction : a guide to coping with the grief, stress and anger that trigger
addictive behaviors / Rebecca E. Williams and Julie S. Kraft.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60882-340-6 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-341-3 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-
342-0 (epub)
1. Compulsive behavior--Treatment--Handbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Cognitive therapy--Handbooks,
manuals, etc. 3. Acceptance and commitment therapy--Handbooks, manuals, etc. 4. Dialectical behavior
therapy--Handbooks, manuals, etc. I. Kraft, Julie S. II. Title.
RC533.W478 2012
616.89’1425--dc23
2012011781

Printed in the United States of America

14  13  12
10   9   8   7   6   5   4   3   2   1 First printing
To my husband, my constant source of love and encouragement.

—­Rebecca E. Williams

To Andrea Bishop, for her endless compassion,

To Sean Markley, for laughter and love,
and to Mom, for everything.

—­Julie S. Kraft
 Contents

Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi

Introduction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Getting Started  •  2
Who Can This Book Help?  •  2
How to Use This Workbook  •  3

Part 1
Getting to Know the Main Concepts and Skills

 1  Emotions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
The “No Feeling” Contract  •  8
Loss and Emotion  •  8
Unraveling Your False Beliefs about Emotions  •  11
Emotion Dodging  •  15
Getting to Know Your Feelings  •  19

  2  Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
How Thoughts Connect to Emotions  •  27
Repeat-­Offender Thoughts  •  29
Why Is Your Thinking Misleading?  •  36
Considering the Evidence  •  37
Distracting Thoughts  •  41
The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction

 3  Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
A Ghost Fleeing Bullets  •  47
Self-­Fulfilling Prophecy  •  48
Choosing the Opposite  •  51
Values  •  58
Learning More about Choosing the Opposite  •  64

 4  Mindfulness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Observing Your Mind without Judgment  •  70
Imaginary Lions  •  71
Practicing Mindfulness  •  72
How to Breathe  •  75
Radical Acceptance  •  76
The Serenity Prayer  •  78
Fight, Flight, or FLOAT  •  79

Part 2
Looking at Your Losses

 5  Loss. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
What Is Loss?  •  86
Why Look at Old Losses?  •  86
Taking a Look at Your Losses  •  88
Exploring the Impact of Your Losses  •  93
Connecting Your Losses  •  98

 6  Addiction. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103

What Is an Addiction?  •  104
Uncovering the Time Line of Your Addictive Behavior  •  115
Switching to Another Addiction  •  119
Journey to Wellness  •  119

vi
 Contents

 7  Connecting Addiction and Loss. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

The Loss-­Addiction Cycle  •  124
The Addiction and Loss Time Line  •  126
Loss Anniversaries  •  129

Part 3
Moving Forward

 8  Mindful Grieving. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141

Coping after a Loss  •  143
Nothing Works?  •  145
Radical Acceptance Revisited  •  148
Personal Resiliency  •  150
Grieving the Loss  •  151
Resiliency in Action  •  153

 9  Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155

Basic Communication Skills  •  157
Identifying Unhealthy Relationships  •  164
Healing Broken Relationships  •  168
Building a Healthy Social Support System  •  178
Managing Social Discomfort  •  180

10  Recovery, Relapse Prevention, and Beyond. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185

Nutrition  •  186
Sleep  •  189
Fitness  •  192
Work  •  195
Fun  •  198

    Resources for Your Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 205

    References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 213

vii
 Exercises

 1  Emotions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Exercise 1.1 Journal Questions  •  10
Exercise 1.2 Identifying Your False Beliefs about Emotions  •  12
Exercise 1.3 Emotion-­Dodging Methods  •  16
Exercise 1.4 Consequences of Emotion Dodging  •  18
Exercise 1.5 Learning about Your Feelings  •  21
Exercise 1.6 How Would You Feel?  •  22
Exercise 1.7 Connecting Emotions to Life Situations  •  23

 2  Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
Exercise 2.1 Identifying Your Repeat-­Offender Thoughts  •  32
Exercise 2.2 Where Did Your Repeat-­Offender Thoughts Come From?  •  34
Exercise 2.3 Consider the Evidence Worksheet  •  39

 3  Behaviors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Exercise 3.1 Reflecting on Your Behaviors  •  50
Exercise 3.2 Practice Choosing the Opposite  •  56
Exercise 3.3 The Birthday Toast  •  58
Exercise 3.4 Uncover Your Values  •  59
Exercise 3.5 Reflecting on Values  •  63
Exercise 3.6 Making Decisions Based on Values  •  66
 Exercises

 4  Mindfulness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69
Exercise 4.1 Observe Your Mind  •  70
Exercise 4.2 Imagine the Space  •  72
Exercise 4.3 Study an Object  •  73
Exercise 4.4 Count the Sounds  •  73
Exercise 4.5 Be Focused and Fascinated  •  74
Exercise 4.6 Be in Your Body  •  75
Exercise 4.7 It Is What It Is  •  77
Exercise 4.8 FLOAT Worksheet  •  80

 5  Loss. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
Exercise 5.1 Losses Checklist  •  89
Exercise 5.2 Identifying Your Losses  •  92
Exercise 5.3 How Resolved Is Your Loss?  •  94
Exercise 5.4 Loss Impact Worksheet  •  97
Exercise 5.5 Your Responses to Loss  •  99

 6  Addiction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103

Exercise 6.1 Identify Addictions Worksheet: Alcohol, Drugs, and Caffeine  •  105
Exercise 6.2 Checklist of Addiction Signs: Alcohol or Drugs  •  110
Exercise 6.3 Identify Addictions Worksheet: Other Troubling Behaviors  •  112
Exercise 6.4 Checklist of Addiction Signs: Troubling Behaviors  •  114
Exercise 6.5 Time Line of Addictive Behavior  •  116
Exercise 6.6 Wellness Script  •  121

  7  Connecting Addiction and Loss. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

Exercise 7.1 Creating Your Addiction and Loss Time Line  •  127
Exercise 7.2 Reflecting on Your Addiction and Loss Time Line  •  128
Exercise 7.3 The Loss Anniversary Calendar  •  132
Exercise 7.4 Specific Triggers Worksheet  •  134

ix
The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction

 8  Mindful Grieving. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141

Exercise 8.1 Being an Observer  •  144
Exercise 8.2 Ignore vs. Accept  •  146
Exercise 8.3 Leaves Down a Stream  •  147
Exercise 8.4 The Gift to Yourself  •  149
Exercise 8.5 The Personal Resiliency Quiz  •  150
Exercise 8.6 Don’t Be a “Calm Fighter”  •  152
Exercise 8.7 Walking with Words  •  152
Exercise 8.8 Your Resiliency in Action  •  153

 9  Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155

Exercise 9.1 List of Common Social Problems  •  156
Exercise 9.2 Practicing “I” Statements  •  158
Exercise 9.3 Practicing Your Listening Skills  •  161
Exercise 9.4 Qualities of Relationships  •  164
Exercise 9.5 Identifying Your Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships  •  167
Exercise 9.6 Letter of Invitation  •  170
Exercise 9.7 Healing Conversation Format  •  173
Exercise 9.8 The Commit to Quit Agreement  •  177
Exercise 9.9 Keep Track of Your Thoughts  •  182

10  Recovery, Relapse Prevention, and Beyond. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185

Exercise 10.1 Food Journal  •  188
Exercise 10.2 Sleep Improvement Worksheet  •  191
Exercise 10.3 Sleep Journal  •  192
Exercise 10.4 Exercise Journal  •  194
Exercise 10.5 Work as a Gift  •  197
Exercise 10.6 Pleasant Activities List  •  199

x
 Acknowledgments

W
e are grateful to the Veterans Administration San Diego Healthcare System for its
commitment to the well-­being of veterans struggling with life challenges. This mate-
rial is the result of work supported with resources of the VA San Diego Healthcare
System. We are also grateful for the excellent recovery services at Sharp Healthcare in San Diego,
which provides clients a safe place to rebuild their lives. We appreciate the many clients we have
worked with over the years who have helped us understand true recovery from loss and
addiction.
We would like to thank Melissa Kirk and her team at New Harbinger Publications, who gently
guided us through the process of writing this workbook. A special thank you to Nelda Street, our
copyeditor through New Harbinger, who helped us create a workbook that’s easy to understand
and even easier to use. New Harbinger’s commitment to providing reader-­friendly workbooks for
living a healthier and more meaningful life is unparalleled. A clinical office without New
Harbinger’s workbooks is like a city without its landmarks.
 Introduction

T
ony and Carmen Gomez are married for nineteen years before “it” happens. They’ve had
mostly good times, with the normal rough spots here and there. The miscarriage of their
first child was a hard time, as were Carmen’s breast cancer scare and the time Tony spent
without a job a few years back. But all in all, they weathered the storms of life pretty well. That was
until last year, when their son, A.J., was killed in a car crash at age seventeen.
Suddenly it was as if something dark had crept into their house. It drapes itself over Tony,
Carmen, and their twelve-­year-­old daughter, Tina, like a fog. Neither Tony nor Carmen can shake
that fog. They can’t find a way to talk about “it,” even though they can see that Tina needs
answers. She spends more and more time away from home, hiding away at friends’ houses or
staying late at school to do homework. It’s as if something has infected the Gomez family, and time
isn’t healing these wounds. As time goes by, things only seem to be getting worse.
Tony sleeps a lot more during the day, misses days at work here and there, and shows up late.
The boss is starting to notice. Tony has always been a drinker, especially when he was in the navy,
but he can’t remember it ever being this way before. More and more, he finds himself reaching for
a drink. One never feels like enough. He hates the days at work because he feels itchy and stressed.
It seems as if his thoughts will overwhelm him if he doesn’t have a few drinks at lunch to take the
edge off. At night, he drinks in front of the TV until he passes out. It’s the only time he can
pretend that things are normal. It’s the only time he doesn’t think about screeching tires or the
way A.J. used to smile just like his father.
The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction

Things have changed for Carmen too. She spends more and more time in the little office off
the living room, her eyes glued to the computer. It seems that she can spend hours clicking through
websites looking for shoes, purses, clothes. She was never such a spender before; she has always
been careful with their money. Carmen tells herself she deserves some nice things and isn’t hurting
anyone. Still, she finds herself acting in strange ways. She goes to great lengths to hide the credit
card bills from Tony. Sometimes she won’t even open the boxes that arrive, and shoves them away
in the guest-­room closet instead. Something inside her feels restless, uneasy; it’s hard for her to
sleep. Carmen starts sneaking out of bed to shop online. It seems like the only thing that can quiet
her mind.
Tony and Carmen are both filled with fear. They can feel the ground falling out from under
them. But how can they give up the things that have given them just the slightest bit of peace since
A.J.’s death? How can they stand facing that loss with nothing to keep the feelings in control?
Tina’s school counselor calls her parents in to discuss a short story she has written. It tells how
empty and frightened Tina feels inside, and how distracted and distant her parents now seem. It
mentions how her parents fight about money, forget about dinner, and move like zombies through
their house. Tina’s story describes addiction and how it is destroying her family.
Tina’s counselor suggests this workbook to Tony and Carmen. Feeling scared, upset, and help-
less, they drive to the bookstore in silence. They buy two copies of this workbook, two notebooks,
and a new box of pens.

Getting Started
Much like Tony and Carmen, you may find that your addictive impulses and behaviors confuse,
overwhelm, or even control you. Congratulations for starting this workbook and making a move
toward recovery! It is certainly possible to get back to the life you really want. There is a way out
of addiction, and you are taking the first step!
At the end of each chapter, you will find a section called “A Visit with the Gomez Family.” You
will be able to check in with Tony and Carmen as each works through the new skills and concepts
that you are learning. You will see the healing they experience as you move through this journey
together.

Who Can This Book Help?

This workbook is for you if you struggle with addictive behaviors. Addictive behaviors are things
that you keep doing, even though they are hurting you, and that you just can’t seem to stop doing
even when you want to. This workbook will help you if you are new to recovery, or if you are

2
 Introduction

already in long-­term recovery and hope to improve your social and emotional worlds and prevent
relapse.
This workbook is designed to help you find long-­term wellness and recovery. This means that
you will not only work on the symptoms you have now, but also get down to the source of them.
You will get to know your thoughts, feelings, and behavior patterns. You will also reflect on your
losses. Your losses are those events in your life that have had a lot of impact on you, that have led
to strong emotions, and that are likely driving you to do the things you are addicted to. The exer-
cises in this book will guide you through the process of learning what your losses are and healing
from them.
The goals of this workbook are to:

• Decrease or stop the behaviors you are addicted to.

• Teach healthy coping skills.

• Discuss the causes behind your addictions and promote healing where it matters most: at
the source.

• Teach positive interpersonal, self-­awareness, and communication skills to help you improve
your relationships and have long-­term emotional growth.

• Give you hands-­on, easy-­to-­do exercises and activities that will guide you toward the life
you desire.

How to Use This Workbook

This workbook is filled with useful information, case studies to help you relate to new ideas, and
exercises designed to give you the tools to change your life. The best way to become handy with
these tools is to use them!
Reading a thousand fitness magazines won’t get you into shape, right? You have to take action
and do the work yourself. With that in mind, you will get the most out of this workbook if you:

• Work through the book chapter by chapter. The chapters go in order for a reason, and each
one will build on the skills that came before.

• Complete the worksheets and practice the exercises. You may even want to copy some of
the worksheets to use more than once. This is what it’s all about!

• Keep a journal. A journal is a great place to reflect on what you are learning and explore
how you are feeling as you move through the healing process. There is space in the

3
The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction

workbook for you to answer journal questions, but we strongly suggest keeping a journal as
you go through this workbook.

• Talk to a counselor or therapist. This workbook is designed for you to do the work yourself,
and you will get results that way. But having a professional to explore things with as you
move through the process will take you to an even deeper level.

Always keep in mind that the effort you put into this healing process defines what you will get
out of it. It’s up to you how much work you put in and how much you take away from this process—­
and you are worth the work! You are starting a healing journey that will lead you out of addiction
and into peace. Let’s get started!

4
 Part 1

Getting to Know the Main

Concepts and Skills
 Chapter 1

Emotions

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
—­Oliver Wendell Holmes

L
ong ago, something taught you that feelings aren’t safe. You learned that grief, rage, frustra-
tion, stress, loneliness, and guilt were your enemies. Maybe you started to believe that they
had superpowers, like the power to completely overwhelm you or the power to make you
destroy all that you love. Maybe these feelings seemed to have the ability to knock you off your feet
for good so that you can’t live your life. Maybe it seemed that once the feelings got you in their
grasp, you could never tell what you might do. Maybe you learned that you would never be okay
unless you found a way not to feel.
So, naturally, you went looking for a solution. Maybe you’ve spent your life shadowboxing,
always ready to throw a counterpunch against a feeling that tries to rise up inside of you. Maybe
you’ve thrown other things at your feelings: a drink, a drug, a gallon of ice cream.
It’s as if you’ve made a little contract with yourself:

I,            , will do whatever it takes not to feel my feelings. I am sure that emo-
tions are the most dangerous things in the world. To win the war against my feelings, I am willing
to live a life that is limited. I will never be my whole self. I will avoid my feelings
by            (drinking, using, sleeping, having sex, gambling, cutting, eating,
watching television, and so on) as much as possible; the more, the better.
Feeling my feelings will surely kill me. So I will give up most of my life rather than let my feel-
ings exist.
The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction

The “No Feeling” Contract

In signing this contract, you have also made a deal with your addiction. You’ve said:

• I will let my addiction dominate me, control me, rule my life.

• I will let my addiction take everything from me.

• I will give up on my dreams.

• I will give up on being the person I want to be.

• I will give up real happiness, real love, and good health.

• I will let my addiction destroy me.

Just don’t make me feel. Promise? Why would anyone make a deal like this? Maybe you didn’t
know what you were really signing up for when you started. You probably didn’t read the fine print.
Most addictive behaviors don’t start off bringing the awful consequences and pain that they do
later on. As one addict put it, “Long before it was a problem, it was my solution.” Your addictive
behaviors probably started as a “solution” for you, too.
Does this sound strange? Maybe you are thinking, How was my addiction a solution to my prob-
lems? It couldn’t bring back the people or things I lost. It definitely didn’t solve my financial problems. And
if anything, it made my relationships even harder!
Certainly, drinking alcohol, overeating, using drugs, or doing other addictive behaviors did not
solve your immediate problems. Life is full of hard times, tragedies, and losses, and not one of them
goes away when you get drunk. But the truth is, you aren’t trying to solve your actual problems with
your addictive behaviors. The problems you are trying to solve are your emotions. You are looking
for a way to escape them, bury them, hide from them, or try to turn them into something else. Your
addiction let you do this for a while. It’s your temporary solution to the problem of feeling.

Loss and Emotion

Throughout this book, you will be thinking about loss. Looking at the losses that have happened
in your life will help you see why you do your addictive behavior, and give you more power in your
fight for recovery. But why, specifically, are we looking at loss? Because loss, by its very nature,
brings up emotions. When you are experiencing loss, and throughout your life as you cope with old
losses, you may feel angry, sad, stressed, or fearful. You may feel helpless, lonely, or betrayed.
Sometimes you may even feel relieved, detached, or numb. It’s likely that you will experience a
whole range of feelings: sometimes three at once, sometimes twelve in the course of one day. At
times, feelings will seem to hit like a tidal wave, knocking you to the ground from behind. At other

8
 Emotions

times they may seem like a dog nipping at your heels hour after hour, desperate to get your atten-
tion. At other times, these feelings may be tiny fleas that leave you squirming and itching all over.
One of the primary aims of this book is to help you to accept and tolerate your feelings. Notice
that we didn’t say change your feelings. Trying to change, decrease, control, or avoid feelings is part
of what led to the addictive behavior you are trying to stop. Once you have worked through this
book, you will probably feel less angry, stressed, hurt, hopeless, and afraid. Some of these feelings
may even go away. But the most important point is that your feelings do not have to change for you
to be okay. You are already okay.
This may sound like a radical idea. We can understand that. As we will explain later, you have
learned a lot of things about feelings that aren’t true. Part of the work ahead of you will be to
unlearn the lessons that have been leading you astray. Keep an open mind; changing your mind
will change your life!

Embracing the Dog

A moment ago, we noted one way you might experience emotion: as a dog nipping at your
heels. Let’s explore that a little further so you can better understand how you may be responding
to emotions in your life.
Picture your emotions as this dog: a mangy mutt you have no interest in adopting but who has
somehow set up residence in your life. You have tried everything to get rid of this pesky beast. Why
wouldn’t you? There he is, day after day, under your desk at work, pulling at your pant leg, jumping
up on you in the grocery store, distracting you when you are trying to drive. He doesn’t smell great,
either. You ask a coworker to take him off your hands. She politely says no, that she already has a
few dogs of her own. You try locking this dog out of your house or keeping him in the garage. You
even try leaving him at the park—­not just any park, the one all the way across town—­but there
he is on the doorstep when you get home. He just sits there, waiting for you.
There are mornings when you wake up certain that this dog isn’t going to bother you today,
but within a few hours, he turns up, barking outside your shower door or pawing at you on your
lunch break. Every day, you are getting more frustrated, more and more convinced that until you
get rid of this dog, you’ll be living in hell. You think, I won’t be able to stand another day of this. You
think, If this dog doesn’t leave me alone soon, I’m going to go crazy.
It never occurs to you to embrace the dog. He is here to stay, after all. He is a part of your life,
like it or not. You may not have invited him into your world, but he sure isn’t leaving it. Can you
accept that? Can you accept this dog?
Now imagine that you take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and take a good, long look at this dog.
He isn’t scary, really—­more irritating than anything else. He just seems so needy, always scram-
bling for attention. Something in you begins to surrender. You give up. You shrug your shoulders,
bend down, and pet the dog.

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The strangest thing happens. He calms down. He stops nipping at you, stops pulling at your
pant leg, and rolls over. Mystified, you stroke his belly for a minute and then make him a small
bowl of food. He eats, finds a place near where you are sitting, curls up, and falls asleep.
This goes on for months. The dog is always near you; he never fully leaves you alone. A couple
of times a day, you have to feed him and show him some affection. If you don’t, he goes back to his
old ways. He starts nipping and snarling, and driving you nuts. But as long as you notice him when
he needs to be noticed, he isn’t that much of a bother. He’s always there, but not so much of a
nuisance—­just a part of life.
Think of all the time you might have wasted battling that dog, maybe days, weeks, or even
months! You waste just as much time and energy trying to get rid of your emotions. Just like that
dog, they are here to stay. They are a part of your life.

Exercise 1.1 Journal Questions

1. Does this metaphor fit for you: your emotions as a pesky dog that you are avoiding?

2. If not, take some time to brainstorm and come up with an image that makes sense for you. Write
about it in as much detail as you can. Be creative! Seeing your emotions in new ways will change
your relationship to them.

3. If the metaphor does fit for you, how do you picture your dog? Is he a Chihuahua, a Great Dane,
a pit bull? How aggressive does he get when he needs your attention?

4. When you try to ignore your dog, where is he most likely to turn up? While you are working,
driving, eating? When you are alone, or with others? Does he wake you up at night and make it
hard for you to sleep?

5. Have you ever tried embracing your dog? What is the result when you give him some attention?

Your Dog and Your Addiction

After you’ve had a loss, whether it was a recent event or a loss from years ago that you’ve never
dealt with, you may find yourself with a whole truckload of dogs to deal with. You may try to ignore
those feelings, even as they become more and more bold at demanding your attention. When you
try to avoid, ignore, or dismiss your natural emotions that come up, you do more of the things that
bring short-­term relief. You may seek refuge in things like gambling, drinking, abusing prescription
pills, having sex on impulse, or overeating. These and other addictions give you short-­term relief

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by letting you ignore your emotions, but the long-­term results are terrible. Over time, you fall into
the clutches of addiction and are flooded with even more negative emotions, such as fear, disgust,
loneliness, or helplessness. Your addiction turns that one dog into a wolf pack, snarling at your
door. Believing that you can’t stand these feelings either, you retreat even further into the things
you are addicted to. Little by little, you disappear from your own life.
Could the answer to getting you back on the right path be as simple as embracing the dog?

•  Jim’s Story
Jim suffers a spinal-­cord injury that leaves him in a wheelchair at age forty-­two. His loss of
mobility and sudden need for more support from his wife leave him feeling frustrated,
vulnerable, and afraid.
As a child, Jim was left in charge of his three younger siblings because his mother
abused drugs and alcohol. He learned not to ask for help from his mother, which would
only have led her to reject or abuse him.
Since being injured, Jim finds himself pulling away from his wife. He has started
watching pornography on the Internet; it is soothing to pay attention to that computer
screen, rather than risk his wife seeing the pain and struggle inside of him. Jim’s
pornography use increases rapidly, finally moving up to six or more hours each day.
Feeling baffled, rejected, and alone, Jim’s wife insists that they go to couple’s
counseling. In this setting, their therapist begins to unravel the false messages Jim learned
as a child about feelings of need, pain, and fear.
Jim starts to notice an urge to look at pornography whenever feelings rise up within
him. It’s that “No Feeling” contract he signed, in which he agreed to give up his life for
addiction just to avoid his emotions. Being aware of this gives Jim the chance to make
other choices, ones that can lead him out of the cage of addiction.

Unraveling Your False Beliefs about Emotions

If you or someone you know thought this book might help you, it’s likely that your “solution” to
your emotions has become a problem. That can be a scary, painful, and embarrassing thing to
realize. Hang in there. There’s a road out of addiction, and you are taking the first step. An impor-
tant part of the work ahead is for you to understand how you relate to emotions and for you to
change any harmful ways that you relate to them.
Think about it: what was it that made you choose to give up everything for your addiction,
even as it stopped being your solution and became the greatest source of problems in your life?
Let’s look at some of your false beliefs about emotions that have led you to avoid them at the
expense of your life.

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Exercise 1.2 Identifying Your False Beliefs about

Emotions
Here are some of the false beliefs about emotions that may be misleading you. Take a look at the list
and see if any of these ideas has influenced you. Check the ones that sound familiar, and then add
any others that come to mind.

    If I let myself grieve, I will be sad forever.

    If I let myself be sad, I will become depressed and suicidal.

    I won’t be able to stand losing this good thing. I have to get rid of it now.

    If I tell others how I feel, they will use it against me.

    If I tell others how I feel, they will think I am weak.

    Mood swings come and go with no warning.

    If I take the time to feel this feeling, it will mean putting my entire life on hold.

    Other people don’t feel this way. There must be something wrong with me.

    Only an immature person would get so emotional.

    Anxiety is not a natural response; I have to get rid of it.

    A good, strong, healthy person would not feel this way.

   If someone else is having a different emotional reaction than I am, my emotional reaction is
wrong.

    If I let myself feel this pain, it will kill me.

    A strong person is fearless.

   Letting myself feel bad would mean falling to pieces, being a total mess, or wallowing in self-­pity.

    Good people don’t get angry.

   Being an adult means not getting carried away by emotion; I’m supposed to be rational!

    If I had better self-­esteem, I wouldn’t be nervous.

    Having emotions means I’m a “drama queen.”

    If I feel this emotion, I will lose all self-­control.

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    Emotions like anger, hurt, and fear are destructive and dangerous.

    Feelings can come out of nowhere.

    I’m stupid for feeling this way. I should just suck it up!

   Others:     

   

   

   

   

Taking a Closer Look

Let’s explore some of these false beliefs in more detail.

If I let myself grieve, I will be sad forever. This particular false belief about emotion has perhaps
caused more pain than any other. Loss is a part of every human life. No one is immune to loss. In
fact, for most of us, losses are scattered across every chapter of our life stories. You will read about
this in greater detail later in the book, but for starters, let’s address this idea, this false belief, that
grieving will somehow go on forever.
You may have heard people say something like: “Well, I can’t fall apart right now; I have kids
to take care of.” That may be true, but what makes us think that giving ourselves the time and
space to experience a loss will cause us to “fall apart”? In truth, you are more likely to “fall apart”
when you try to stuff your natural emotions into a closet. You are also much more likely to reach
for your addictive behavior to try to keep that closet door shut.
The idea that you will be in a never-­ending state of grief is reinforced when you do not let
yourself mourn. This is because the feelings in that closet are likely to sneak out. Remember that
pesky dog? The feelings try to force you to face them time and time again until you really do.

The truth. Grief is a natural, healthy, and important part of healing. If you let yourself experience
it, it will pass in good time.

I won’t be able to tolerate losing this good thing; I have to get rid of it now. Many people create situations
in which they can never have the things they want most. Why on earth do people do this? Because

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they are so afraid that they will not be able to handle the way it would feel to lose those things they
love. This simple fear can lead to more isolation, and less and less joy in your life. If you have fallen
for this belief, you may not even realize it. You may actually toss aside or deny yourself some of the
best gifts that show up on your doorstep: a wonderful, healthy relationship with someone great, an
exciting new job, even moments of self-­care, like a much-­needed coffee break. You may be avoiding
the greatest pleasures in life because you think it would be best that way. You are convinced that
losing these good things would be too hard.

The truth. You can tolerate your feelings! Loss is a normal part of life. The real tragedy is denying
yourself the joy that is part of life too.

Other people don’t feel this way; there must be something wrong with me; a strong person is fearless; good
people don’t get angry. Thoughts like these send you the message that feelings are unnatural. They
make you believe that you are somehow flawed for experiencing emotion. Being alive, being
human, means experiencing the full range of human emotions. Trying to discount the less pleas-
ant emotions or expecting yourself not to have them does nothing but increase your frustration
and decrease your sense of self-­worth.

The truth. Emotions are healthy and natural. It is our attempts to stop feeling that are unnatural
and lead us to unhealthy and addictive behaviors!

Feelings can come out of nowhere. As we will see later, feelings don’t come out of nowhere; this is a
myth that never holds true. Still, it can certainly seem true! It may seem to you that you are
minding your own business and these emotions come along like a pack of thugs to steal your day.
It may seem that your mood swings any way it chooses, and there you are, clinging helplessly to the
pendulum, hanging on for dear life. But the truth is, your emotion is coming from somewhere: it’s
coming from your mind. As you move further into this chapter and later ones, you will learn to
notice and observe what your mind is up to. You will soon be able to predict your moods and trace
your emotions back to their source. This will help you understand your experience, so that you are
not left feeling hijacked by intense and unpredictable emotions.

The truth. Emotions do come from somewhere; they come from your mind. You can learn to
connect thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Remember, you don’t need to blame anyone for the false beliefs you learned about feelings.
Chances are your parents, grandparents, siblings, and neighbors were all told the very same lies.
Maybe your parents told you that feelings made you weak because they, too, thought feelings would
harm you. They thought it would be best to teach you not to feel. Or maybe they tried to teach you
to have only “nice feelings,” leaving out the trickier ones like anger, rage, sadness, loneliness, and
anxiety. It’s no surprise that you believed these messages about feelings and that you signed that

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“No Feeling” contract and gave your life away. Now you are unraveling those false beliefs. This is
the first step on your journey to reclaim your life.

Emotion Dodging
At this point, it is beneficial to get a better understanding of the ways you have been trying not to
feel certain emotions. Some of these methods may be related to your addictive behaviors. Others
may seem pretty harmless; the trouble arises only when you use them again and again to hide from
your feelings. Remember, locking that pesky barking dog in the garage may work for a while, but
the only way to find permanent peace is to accept him as a part of your life.

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