Transforming Codependency

and Enmeshment Trauma

THAIS GIBSON
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Core Fears and Beliefs Associated with Codependency

Directions:

Take inventory. Circle the core fears and core beliefs associated with codependency
that apply the most to you.
1) I am bad/hurting people I love if I make mistakes or someone’s feelings are hurt. I
am also unlikely to get my needs met/made to feel unworthy of love

2) I am responsible for how other people feel

3) I have to be perfect for others in order to gain their love/respect

4) Others’ problems are mine to solve/repair and internalized as “my fault”

5) I need love and approval to be safe and happy

6) Guilting/shaming ourselves keeps us “good” and thus safe

7) My sense of self is directly connected to others

8) Core fears of being abandoned, alone, unsafe, unworthy, unloved, powerless, not
enough, unseen/unheard

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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Codependency Questionnaire
• Do you say yes to others when you want to say no?
• Do you have difficulty knowing your feelings and needs while in
discussion with others?
• Do you find yourself being triggered by others setting a boundary with you?
• Do you get upset or extremely bothered when others are upset at
you/something you did?
• Do you crave approval or praise in order to feel good about yourself?
• Do you lose yourself in relationships/get afraid of being swallowed whole?
• Do you suppress your emotions or “pretend” you are okay when you aren’t?
• Do you avoid speaking up in order to avoid conflict?
• Do you believe mistakes = failure? Do you put excessive pressure on yourself?
• Do you blame others to hide your mistakes because you feel too much
shame?
• Are you over-competitive at times? Do you excessively compare yourself to
others?
• Do you have to needed to feel alive? Do you need to stand out in order to feel
like you matter?
• Do you feel resentment towards others because you are repressing your
needs?
• Are other people a major part of your identity?

Fears that can Create Resistance When Transforming Codependency

Directions:

Circle any of the fears that may apply to you. These are common fears when healing
codependency:
1. Fear of becoming selfish.
2. Fear of saying no due to the belief it will jeopardize your relationship.
3. Fear of being alone or abandoned.
4. Fear of relationships changing.
5. Fear that you will see other people suffering if you don’t over-support them.
6. Other: _______________________________________________________________________

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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Transforming Codependency Checklist

Directions:

Circle below which of the following are the most important for you to be working on.
These are important elements of an interdependent relationship.

• Feel safe saying no to others.

• Be able to meet your own needs if others say no to you.
• Create a strong sense of self/identity.
• Respect yourself and treat others with respect instead of pleasing
• Shared responsibility and power. NO subordination. EXPECT
RECIPROCITY and EQUALITY.
• You know when a problem is yours vs someone else’s à Accountability
for yours and space for others (speak up).
• Take the time to get to know people before diving into a relationship of
any form.
• Know your feelings and needs.
• Feel safe communicating your feelings and needs to loved ones
• Able to have difficult discussions in a healthy manner, instead of
avoiding confrontation.
• Connect to yourself regularly as you grow and change.
• Explore and nurture your full potential.
• Know that you are in charge of your failures and mistakes. Practice
taking responsibility.
• Know that you are in charge of your emotions and happiness.
• You ALLOW OTHERS to be responsible for their own feelings and
needs.
• You do not do things for others because you are afraid of seeing them
be uncomfortable. “You can communicate what you need to me, but I
will not do things for you.” No mind reading in healthy relationships
• You value your opinions and needs exactly equal to others'.
• You KNOW HOW TO SET FEELING BOUNDARIES BETWEEN YOURSELF
AND OTHERS.
• You don’t let others’ feelings and experiences trump your own
irrespective of what they are. There aren’t justifications for ignoring your
feelings and needs.
• You feel safe asking for help and space when you need it.
• You don’t compromise who you are as a means of avoiding rejection.

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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Overview of Seven Steps to Heal Codependency

Step 1: Overcome denial and lack of conscious awareness.

Step 2: Review the long-term cost of maintaining codependent patterns.

Step 3: Make a list of all the places you need to make amends with yourself. Work on
self forgiveness, setting boundaries, and transform subconscious fears that are
disempowering your decision-making.

Step 4: Understand what makes relationships healthy and create a vision.

Step 5: Strengthen self-identity.

Step 6: Creating proper boundaries.

Five types of boundaries:

1. Emotional Boundaries

2. Mental Boundaries

3. Time Boundaries

4. Material Boundaries

5. Physical and Sexual Boundaries

Step 7: Reprogramming Your Subconscious Fears

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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The Seven Steps

Step 1: Overcome denial and lack of conscious awareness.

Take boundary inventory in all seven areas in your life.

Career Mental Emotional Physical Spiritual Relationships Financial

(friends,
family,
romantic)
In each of
the
following
seven areas,
where are
am I not
setting
boundaries
or where do
I need
stronger
boundaries?

Where do I
say “yes”,
and it
doesn’t feel
good?

Why do I
fear saying
“no”?

Bonus question 1: Where you do make small self-betrayals in order to avoid conflict?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Bonus question 2: Where are the places you leave yourself unprotected or ignore
your feelings and needs?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Step 2: Review the long-term cost of maintaining codependent patterns.

Write below about what codependency has cost you. Write in as much detail as
possible. Reflect on pain that was caused when you disrespected your boundaries or
didn’t speak up about your needs. Look at the resentment caused, anger expressed,
or times you hid to avoid feeling ashamed. Look at decisions you made specifically for
approval, the cost of people pleasing, of not leaving unhappy situations, or taking on
others’ feelings. Lastly, look at where you blamed others and did not take
responsibility for your life. Look at the ten-year cost of not breaking codependency in
the future. What is the cost of putting everyone’s life and feelings above your own?

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Step 3: Make a list of all the places you need to make amends with yourself. Work on
self forgiveness, setting boundaries, and transform subconscious fears that are
disempowering your decision-making.

Make a list of all the places you need to make amends with yourself. What promises
or amends do you need to make in order to move ahead with your future? What are
three commitments you can make and keep for yourself each week in order to rebuild
self trust?

_____________________________________________________________________________________
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_____________________________________________________________________________________

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Step 4: Understand what makes relationships healthy and create a vision.

Take some time to write out a healthy vision for what you want a healthy
relationship to look and feel like. What changes do you want to make in yourself in
order to be ready for this relationship? Or what changes do you want to make in
your relationship if you’re already in one? Look how your relationship impacts each
of the seven areas of your life. Do you need boundaries in any of these areas? What
character traits or qualities do you want to bring into the relationship? What
character traits or qualities do you want from someone else?

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Step 5: Strengthen self-identity.

In order to strengthen self identity, you must get to know who you are. Below are 60
questions you can use to connect with yourself and others more deeply. Each day
choose 3-5 questions to ask yourself and write the answers below.

1. Where are you most empowered in your life?

2. Where are you least empowered in your life?
3. What self-sabotage behavioral patterns do you experience most? Why?
4. Do you want kids? How many?
5. What kind of parent do you want to be?
6. What values do you feel are important when raising children?
7. What were the highlights of your adolescence? What were the
lowlights?

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8. How would you describe your relationship to your mother? To your

father?
9. How do you cope with stress? What tools or behaviors show up for you
when you’re under stress?
10. What do you often turn to when you are trying to motivate yourself?
11. Where do you have a lot of self-awareness? (Ex. At work, about behavior)
12. Where do you have minimal self-awareness? (Ex. In relationships, with
family)
13. What negative patterns do you most often have with your relationship
to money?
14. What are your primary triggers when you’re around family?
15. What are your primary triggers when it comes to relationships?
16. What types of conversations trigger you most?
17. What are your greatest fears in general, in relationships?
18. Where do you waste the most time in your life? Why?
19. What characteristics do you judge most in:
a) Your mother
b) Your father
c) Your siblings
d) Your partner
e) Your close friends
20. Where are you exhibiting these same traits? List 2 different
areas/circumstances in your life that you do this also.
21. What patterns of behavior have you picked up most from your Mother?
Father?
22. What are you still stuck on from the past? Look deeply – how is it serving
you to hold onto this still?
23. Do you have any challenges with my family?
24. How will we handle rough patches in our marriage?
25. How would you define a healthy marriage sexually? (Frequency,
meaning you give to sex)
26. What are you most insecure about?
27. Where are you a powerful communicator?
28. Where are you a poor communicator? Why?
29. What are your top 5 Values?
30. What do you think makes a relationship last?
31. What qualities are most important for you for a romantic relationship?
32. What do you need from me?

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33. Where do you think you show up well in our relationship? Where do you
think you show up not as well as you’d like to?
34. Does anything scare you about marriage? If so, why? Where does this
fear come from?
35. Why do you want to get married?
36. Do you have any challenges with my family?
37. How much do you share with others about our relationship? How much
do you feel is appropriate for me to share?
38. What boundaries do you set with:
A) Your family
B) Your partner
C) Your co-workers
39. Are these boundaries motivated by fear or self-love? Are they respected?
40. What are you ashamed of?
41. How will we divide household duties (before and after kids)?
42. Do you know your love language(s)? If so, what are they?
43. What needs are most important to you in our relationship?
44. Do you feel validated, seen, heard, understood enough by me?
45. Do you feel that you can discuss anything with me?
46. What have you not forgiven yourself for?
47. Where does guilt show up most often in your life?
48.How will we collectively handle hard times? What do we need from one
another?
49. How important is alone time to you and can we make peace with
this/understand this?
50. What are our boundaries in relationships to others? Where do we draw
the line between friendship and a potential emotional affair?
51. What is our expectation about where we want to live/why?
52. How much time is appropriate to spend with in-laws, family?
53. How will we cope if one of us gets laid off or wants to leave our job?
54. What are your core wounds?
55. What negative patterns do you notice took place in past relationships?
Why? What measures will we collectively take to prevent this from
happening between us?
56. What is your relationship to spirituality/religion? What level of priority is
this in your life?
57. Are we fully present together or are we distracted by TV, phone etc.?
When is this appropriate/not appropriate?

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58. How would we like to educate our kids? How would we like to save for
our kids?
59. How important is physical affection to you?
60. How do you define romance? What keeps romance alive for you?

Part of getting to know yourself is understanding your feelings and needs on a

regular basis. Take some time each day to reflect on your feelings and needs. It is
highly recommended that you take the time each day to use this exercise to
connect with yourself.

Major Feelings and Their Opposites

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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List of Tertiary Needs

Connection Needs Certainty Needs Growth Needs MEANING

Acceptance Safety Self-Development Clarity
Affection Comfort Self-Realization Competence
Appreciation Security Success Consciousness
Belonging Order Progress Discovery
Cooperation Stability Achievement Effectiveness
Communication Support Opportunity Hope
Closeness To know and be known Expansiveness Mourning
Community To see and be seen Learning Participation
Companionship To be understood Awareness Purpose
Compassion Trust Challenge Attention
Consideration Warmth Stimulation Validation
Consistency Self-expression
Empathy Physical Needs Honesty Needs To matter
Inclusion Food Authenticity
Intimacy Movement/exercise integrity
Love Rest/sleep Presence
Mutuality Sexual expression
Nurturing Safety Play Needs
Respect/self-respect Touch Joy
Humor
Autonomy Needs Peaceful Needs
Choice Beauty Contribution Needs
Freedom Ease To give/nurture
Independence Equality To share
Space/Boundaries Harmony To create
Spontaneity Inspiration To teach/to assist
Exploration

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019

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List of Personality Needs

Approval Novelty Wealth Spirituality Nature Attention Health Fitness Service

Romantic Achievement P. Growth Helpfulness Materialism Emotional Adventure Discovery Autonomy

Relationships Connection

Community Power Teaching Exploration Leadership Control Social Beauty Expression

Justice

Education Knowledge Communication Comfort Creativity Religion Competition Creativity Social

Connection

Freedom Learning Spirituality Career Family Fun Security Status Entertainment

Growth

Step 6: Creating proper boundaries.

Career Mental Emotional Physical Spiritual Relationships Financial

(friends,
family,
romantic)
Emotional
Boundaries

Mental
Boundaries

Time
Boundaries
Material
Boundaries

Physical
and Sexual
Boundaries

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The Four-Step Process for Executing Boundaries:

1) Identify Feeling

2) Identify Why This Hurts

3) Identify What You Needed Instead

4) Express it

Step 7: Reprogramming Your Subconscious Fears

Fears Exposure-Response Action

© Thais Gibson Personal Development School 2019