C ouns e lo r ’s To o lb o x

How Do You Counsel

Non-Christians?

by J. Alasdair Groves

Biblical counseling carries out the Great a first step toward God and toward the true
Commission in personal conversations about humanness he desires in all of us.
significant personal struggles or hardships. What better way to learn how to counsel
Probably the question counseling students ask non-Christians than to study how Jesus himself
most frequently is, “How then do you counsel counseled those who did not believe? Our goal
a non-Christian—someone who does not in this article will be to watch him carefully
accept the authority of the Bible or the lordship in conversations with unbelievers, to grasp
of Christ?” his fundamental orientation in ministry, and
I have had the opportunity to counsel with finally to draw out practical implications for our
a number of non-Christians, so I understand own context.
this challenge from personal experience. Can
I (or should I) help someone who is not a What Does Jesus Do?
disciple of Jesus when my entire approach to Think about the ministry of Jesus. He is
hope and healing depends on his power, love, incredibly consistent. Jesus’ teaching always
and command? If we do not both submit to revolves around the same core issues: ungodly
the Scriptures, has my most vital tool been loyalties, how to treat other people, the
taken away? interpretation of suffering, a call to change,
Not at all! and the importance of finding hope that is true
Instead, the Bible itself demonstrates and reliable.
how to engage non-Christians in counseling What is interesting is that he offers the
conversations. It invites us to know Christ— same message both to those who believe and
his character, actions, and passions—and be serve God, and to those who do not. Jesus also
transformed by relationship with him. And heals and shows kindness to both groups. In
because the Bible is designed to create this fact, Jesus often uses gifts of kindness (e.g.,
personal and intimate bond, it has implications feeding the 5000) to stir faith, loyalty, and
for every aspect of our human experience. For transformation in the hearts of unbelievers.
this reason, any situation or struggle in any When we overhear Jesus in personal
person’s life can become a turning point for conversations with people who do not believe
in him (yet?), we find that he is still after all
___________________________________________ these same things. However, even a brief
J. Alasdair Groves (M.Div.) is director of counseling at survey of such conversations reveals that Jesus’
CCEF New England and serves as assistant faculty approach varies depending on the individual
at CCEF.
and the situation.

62 The Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 26 | Number 3

 Consider the range of Jesus’ ministry across 4. The rich young ruler comes with a
five examples: question too (Mark 10:17–27). But where Jesus
1. Jesus starts a conversation with the answered Nicodemus’ question at its core, Jesus
woman at the well quite shockingly by asking her senses more self-justification than genuine
for something (John 4:4–26). He puts her in the curiosity. We are told that Jesus “looked at him
position to help him. He reverses the direction of and loved him.” He demonstrates his love by
helper and person being helped, putting himself giving him a “homework assignment” that puts
in a place of humility and her in the position a spotlight on the glaring gap between his stated
of being needed. (I have found that counselees theology and his functional theology. (Timely
almost always appreciate it when I am willing homework often opens up the problem behind
to ask them for help with something.) Having the presenting problem.) With this assignment,
initiated, Jesus then lets her lead. He responds Jesus challenges him to re-arrange his life, but
to the issues she raises, but always with personal not by reflecting on Scripture or focusing on
concern for her. This contrasts with the arms- his identity as a child of God. Rather, he bids
length theological debate she tries to maintain. for the rich young ruler to take an action that
When she is defensive—a natural posture for a will force him to confront his true life priorities,
Samaritan woman in the presence of a Jewish allegiances, and ultimate hope.
rabbi—he gives an invitation to receive blessing. 5. Finally, the Pharisees (often) come with
When he finally does address her lifestyle of a hostile agenda. They also have questions, but
sin, he does so by simply naming the facts. their questions are nothing more than traps.
Jesus is extremely gentle with a flagrant sinner Jesus confronts them with incisive directness.
who is edgy, contentious, confused, wary— He demands that they see the evil in the motives
and desperate. behind their seemingly righteous actions and
2. Zaccheus is a shamed, despised traitor innocent questions. (When a counselee is being
who seems embarrassingly eager to see Jesus malicious or manipulative, tell the simple truth.)
(Luke 19:1–10). Jesus’ ministry to him is a They are blind to their own sin, so Jesus responds
simple dinner invitation. The conversation with by choosing the most vivid language he can
Jesus is unrecorded—apparently it is enough find—e.g., “whitewashed tombs” and “brood
for us to see Jesus move toward Zaccheus with of vipers” (Matt 23:27–28, 33)—in an effort to
unexpected grace. (Indeed, simple kindness can shock them out of their self-righteous stupor.
be a powerful tool when counseling those whose Jesus cares enough about them to engage their
experience is filled with enemies or people who most dire need, even as they try to destroy him
have no time or care for them.) Whatever was and his ministry.
said, the unearned, un-looked for, unimaginable While there are patterns in these five
honor Jesus shows Zaccheus moves him to examples, there is no formula. No system
change. He who had been an extorter, valuing can reduce ministry with unbelievers to three
his own wealth above his countrymen’s principles or eight sequential steps. With one
friendship, responds to Jesus’ kindness with person, Jesus asks for help and engages in
radical ownership of his sin that explodes into friendly sparring; with one he moves toward;
full restitution. with another he talks about the question at
3. Nicodemus risks his social prestige by hand; with another he probes and tests; with still
coming to Jesus (John 3:1–21). He is genuinely another he confronts.
looking for understanding. Jesus puts his finger Jesus bids for the ultimate allegiance of every
on the core issue and gives Nicodemus a direct one of these people. But he does not demand
answer to his true question: “Are you the real that his conversation partners accept the gospel
thing?” (Honoring someone often means before he talks with them. Instead, he constantly
answering sincere questions directly.) Jesus establishes the relevance of the gospel for them
explains that his ministry is indeed from God, personally, knowing that without it they will
and God’s work is as obvious as trees bending continue to walk away from him. And so he
in a wind. Jesus presses Nicodemus to draw the engages these unbelievers on a wide variety of
logical conclusion from his own observations issues. He does not hesitate to talk about their
about the authenticity of Jesus’ ministry. behavior or address their questions, anxieties,

The Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 26 | Number 3 63

troubles, or purposes. The contours of the world Did any of those hostile Pharisees later repent?
that each unbeliever lives in dramatically shape We don’t know, and that’s the point. We are to
the way in which the gospel will be heard sow the seed thoughtfully and leave the results
for what it is: genuinely good news. Our goal, in God’s hands.
then, when counseling a non-Christian is a This uncertainty is one of the great
love unswervingly oriented to the riches of the complexities of Christian ministry. In the
gospel, yet as creative and flexible as Christ’s majority of counseling situations, you will have
own ministry when he walked among us. some evidence as to whether a person is truly
following Christ or not, but you will never know
Jesus Lives out the Parable of the Sower a person’s eternal state with full certainty, even
Jesus’ example clearly teaches us that we are when there is a profession of faith. Thankfully,
to take intentional conversations about life counseling ministry does not depend on having
problems (counseling) with non-Christians this certainty.

Our goal when counseling a non-Christian is a

love unswervingly oriented to the riches of the
gospel, yet as creative and flexible as Christ’s own
ministry when he walked among us.

on a case-by-case basis. Both in public and in This means that what happens in counseling
private ministry of the Word, however, he is non-Christians should look very similar to
operating from a framework we can identify. what happens in counseling Christians! The
That framework is the parable of the sower (Mark seeds Jesus sows with his disciples are not
4:1–20). Jesus sowed the same seeds with crowds categorically different than the seeds he sows
and individuals, with those who loved him and with outsiders. A wise counselor helps believers
those who rejected and conspired against him. and non-believers see themselves more clearly
The seed was a simple call to repent—to turn in order to relevantly point them toward Jesus,
from what is evil in God’s sight and to embrace who is not only the Lord but also Savior, Good
what God loves, especially his mercy and grace— Shepherd, King, Friend, Brother, Lover, Judge,
because the Kingdom was coming. Jesus always and Refuge. With believers and non-believers,
sowed the same seed (i.e., the same message) you are trying to know a specific individual and
and sowed in all types of soil (i.e., to different discern where God is calling and wooing. In
people), but he tailored his delivery precisely to both cases you’ll be challenging false notions
each individual, knowing exactly what would be about who God is and how he works. In both
most relevant and compelling. cases you’ll be affirming the good and right
Jesus sowed seeds differently, but we don’t questions, concerns, and truths they are already
know for certain how each seed grew—or didn’t bringing to the table. The difference between
grow—in each person. These stories don’t tell us Christians and non-Christians is fundamental:
about the precise spiritual state (and sometimes regeneration. Those with ears to hear will hear;
the ultimate decision) of the person Jesus is those whose ears are stopped up will not hear.
talking to. Was the conversation with the rich The transformation of heart and action that the
young ruler wasted? What was Nicodemus counselor recommends—through the seeds the
seeking when he came to talk to Jesus that night? counselor sows—will be the same.
Was he a man who feared God but had significant
struggles, or was he only seeking God’s stamp Following Jesus in the Details of Counseling
of approval on his self-made kingdom? Did How then do you sow seeds wisely with a person
Zaccheus experience a true conversion, or was who does not believe in Christ as Lord?
he re-dedicating his life to God? What did the First, I will offer three orienting perspectives
Samaritan woman do with the rest of her life? to help you frame your approach to a given

64 The Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 26 | Number 3

individual. Each of these reveals a palette of s What do they dwell on as they fall asleep?
colors you can apply to the specific variables of s What keeps them from sleeping, or comes
any situation. Second, I’ll answer three of the to mind in the middle of the night?
most frequently asked practical questions about Questions that pinpoint behaviors:
biblical counseling with non-Christians. s What patterns do their behaviors tend
to follow?
Three Orienting Perspectives s What are their temptations, failures,
1. Don’t forget the obvious: know and love and fears?
the person. Counseling a non-Christian involves s What are they currently doing to address
building a friendship. Get to know this person. the problems that have brought them to
Ask questions. Express appreciation. Show see you?
tenderness and compassion. Share things about s What do they think would solve
yourself. Spend time. Listen attentively. Discern their problem?
what is important. Notice strengths as well as Questions that reveal allegiances:
failings. Ask how someone is really doing, and s What do they desire?
mean it. This question, asked with genuine s What are their goals and motives?
interest, is a precious gift. If you can care about s What“voices”—true or false—do they listen
a friend who is not a Christian, why should to as authoritative for interpreting life?
counseling be any different? Jesus looked at the s What do they love?
rich young ruler and“loved him.”We must know s What are they addicted to?
and love this person living in separation from s What are they trusting in?
God, just as Christ loved us when we walked s Where does their hope lie?
in darkness. These questions will help you draw people out so
2. Help the person look in the mirror. Help they see more clearly who they really are.
people see themselves accurately. No one does These four categories immediately lend
this instinctively. The questions, comments, and themselves to a biblical reinterpretation of life. If
reflections you offer have a purpose. They guide they can accurately describe what their lives are
non-Christians to articulate their world and fundamentally about, they are starting to track
simultaneously begin to reinterpret it. Here are in God’s world already. True self-knowledge is a
four categories of questions you might ask1: great gift which necessarily exposes people to the
Questions that bring out good that is nature of their deepest allegiances and the actions
already present: that flow from those allegiances.2 If they cannot
s Where are they putting others ahead see themselves accurately, “holding up the mirror”
of themselves? may help start the process.
s Where do they recognize their flaws 3. Find out what the person thinks about
and weaknesses? God. Every person who is not a Christian
s Where are their intentions good and their has a reason for not being a Christian. Some
insights accurate? consciously reject God and the Bible. Others
s Where are they valuing relationships beyond have never given it much thought. Still others
convenience or prestige they receive? believe they are Christians without any real
s Where are they standing for what they understanding of the gospel of grace. Then
believe is right when doing so costs there are those who have never heard an
them something? alternative to the way they were raised. Some
Questions that flesh out significant life situations: have had terrible experiences in churches,
s What are they facing in life—both hardships or were mistreated by professing Christians.
and blessings? Some “tried it and it didn’t work.”As you speak
s Where do they experience shame, suffering, with them, keep an eye out for exactly who this
failures, and problems? person understands the “God” of the Bible to
s Where do they experience success, be. Very often—and this is especially true for
satisfaction, comfort, and excitement? those who have been sinned against by people
s What are their most significant in a church—someone is repulsed by a “God”
relationships? who is in fact repulsive and has little to do with

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the true God. They are right to be repulsed by borrowing end of the spectrum. If you do go to
a divine being who is willful and capricious, Scripture, the first place to go might be Ezekiel 34,
or vain and cruel! Understanding the kind of pointing out that God himself feels passionately
“God”—Christian or otherwise—a person is about abuse of power by spiritual leaders. With
serving or rejecting is very helpful. an agnostic who is open to spirituality and has
These orienting perspectives lay the little experience with the church, you may move
groundwork for a presentation of Christ that to the words of Scripture more quickly, though
is incisively relevant and powerful. This kind of the majority of your interaction with Scripture
seed sowing displays Christ as exactly the help will likely be at the level of paraphrases. Be
and hope this person needs. Christian ministry thoughtful about your choices, always asking
is evangelism. In counseling this means we yourself where your own fears or tendencies
strive for a relationship where the natural next may be hampering you. Are you likely to do a lot
step in the relationship is speaking about the of paraphrasing because you worry that people
good news of the Good Shepherd. What happens won’t like what they hear, and you want to make
when someone acknowledges shame, guilt, it sound“nicer”? Or do you quote woodenly, not
wounds, wickedness, weakness or loneliness? trusting that God’s words and ways can breathe
That person becomes more open to a Shepherd through a normal human conversation?
who laid down his life so his sheep could have Along the way, no matter how you are
glorious, endless, forgiven, painless, shameless, engaging the Scriptures, pay attention to the
eternal life with God as part of his family. sources of authority and influence the person
you are speaking with does recognize! Whether
Three Frequently Asked Questions this is a style of music, a pop-psychology, a
Here are three common questions that trusted friend or relative, or the 24/7 news cycle,
arise about the actual in-the-room dynamics of you should explore these. You will always find
counseling non-Christians: echoes of or yearnings for the gospel in them.
1. Should I use the Bible with non-Christians? 2. Should I pray? Probably. But maybe not
It depends.“Using the Bible” can mean different at the beginning of the first time you sit down
things. There is a broad range of ways to engage with someone who is likely not a believer. The
the Word, all of which qualify on some level important thing is this: when you do pray,
as using the Bible: reading aloud, quoting, actually pray. Don’t make the prayer a sermon
paraphrasing, allusion, borrowing a metaphor, in disguise. Remember that you are being
retelling stories in a different context, and talking overheard and be sensitive to the person. But do
about broad principles drawn from Scripture, talk to God, not to the other person.
just to name a few. As is true with Christians, Intercession on behalf of another person
different ways of engaging the Bible will be is an enormous privilege and an incredible
appropriate for different purposes. Scripture opportunity to love. Speaking openly about
contains examples of all of the above, and all the person’s tender concerns, deep needs, and
have a legitimate place in ministry. vexing trials to the One who holds all things in
How you use (or do not use) the Bible also his hands is an intimate and beautiful part of
depends on who the non-Christian is that you caring for that person. Don’t feel like you have to
are talking to. Paul, for example, quotes Scripture choose between praying for spiritual needs and
heavily when he speaks with Jews who do not praying for physical needs. Take comfort in the
believe (Acts 13). With Greek philosophers, knowledge that prayers to our Father that seek
however, he does not quote Scripture. He instead the genuine good of the person will inevitably
references philosophy to ground broad principles re-interpret someone’s world.
from Scripture that are accepted in their world 3. Do I give practical advice? All the time.
(Acts 17). When talking to Gentile peasants, he I sometimes worry that practical advice that
uses illustrations from daily life (Acts 14). is not riveted to the gospel will teach harmful
Keep Paul’s model, with all its flexibility, self-reliance, even if it leads to better behavior.
in mind. If you speak to someone who is bitter However, as you help someone think wisely
against Christians because the Bible feels like a about finding relief from hard life situations,
weapon of abuse, err on the allusional/metaphor- you will grow increasingly attuned to places

66 The Journal of Biblical Counseling Volume 26 | Number 3

where pertinent advice is directly shaped by the her as she mourns. The loss of loved ones, the
awareness of all you have come to know about sense of isolation, and the sadness over the
the person (e.g., where someone’s loyalties or neglect of her family are all reasonable causes
motives lie). Let me give an example. I remember of deep distress.
speaking with a young man (high school age) Where are you going with her? As she
who had an anger problem. He had a difficult feels comfort from your grieving with her, you
relationship with his younger (junior high age) are planting the seed in her heart that God
sister. During the course of our relationship, I might actually be close and grieve her losses
witnessed an interaction between the two of too. You will look for opportunities to speak
them where she was unapologetically rude, and about life after death with a God who resonates
he responded by belittling her and treating her deeply with her hurt. He has spent all of history
like a 5-year-old. He seemed genuinely unaware reconciling with children who have betrayed him
that his behavior had been anything other much more deeply than not coming to visit. You
than that of a mature adult dispensing much- will freely share Scripture passages filled with
needed correction. his promises. This same God offers her freedom
I started by commiserating with him from her self-isolating bitterness. Even now she
about the frustration of being treated as he had can have a life full of joy and significance, found
been. I was careful not to rush past this. But as in blessing those people around her whom she
the conversation progressed, I told him that I does see regularly.
thought he had been insulting and demeaning 2. Now consider a young woman in high
to his sister. I was candid. If he actually wanted school. She attends youth group and sings at
to see change in her life for the better, he was church to keep her parents happy. But when they
going to need to treat her respectfully and kindly, are not watching, she throws aside her Christian
even when she was rude. In doing so, I laid lifestyle, drinks at parties, and dabbles with pot.
the foundation for him to see that loving your Her double-life is killing her. Her mood alternates
“enemies” and returning good for evil leads to from ecstatic delight when she feels popular and
growth in relationships. I also wanted him to see accepted to bitter, self-harming bouts of despair
that if he was genuinely going to deal with anger and self-loathing when she feels like no one
and have meaningful relationships in his life, knows her or loves her for who she really is.
he was going to need a source of strength and With this young woman, you begin differently.
motivation greater than his own comfort and Early on, you might spend time exploring why
benefit. That is a powerful seed to sow! popularity is so important to her. You might even
use a word like “intoxicating” with her. You will
Four People You Might Counsel try to understand the specific contours of her
There is no simple formula for counseling all experience, not assuming that you know why
non-Christians any more than there is a simple she craves people’s good opinion. You will also
formula for counseling all Christians. In closing, take episodes of cutting, bingeing, or ripping out
let me simply illustrate what a wise, seed-sowing her own hair very seriously. Think creatively with
approach might entail in four very different her to make a plan to keep her away from these
situations: behaviors when she feels discouraged.
1. An eighty-three-year-old woman in a Over the long haul, you are going to try
nursing home struggles with depression after to help her recognize that her double life is
losing her husband and close friends. Her destroying her and her relationships. She needs to
children and grandchildren rarely visit. She feels hear that the God she learns about in youth group
forgotten and betrayed by her family after all the is not interested in mere outward conformity.
time she spent taking care them. Instead, he invites her to a radical integrity that
What will you say to such a woman as actually results in freedom for her. Ironically, the
you hear her story? Hopefully, you will begin grace of God allows her to live as herself—all her
by simply expressing genuine sorrow over failings confessed and with no need to hide—in
the grief and pain she is experiencing. God is every context. As her counselor, you are free to
close to the broken-hearted. You will give her show great compassion for her, even though she
a taste of that closeness by mourning with generates much of her own suffering.

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 3. A man in his early twenties is self- 4. Finally, a man in his 40’s has marriage
confident, outspokenly atheistic in rejecting his problems despite a successful career and
parents’ religion, and eager to “live life to the successful kids. With him you would likely open
fullest.” But he is devastated by a recent breakup by exploring his perspective on the marriage
with a girlfriend and has sought help from the problems, as well as his thoughts on the things
“therapy” his parents were willing to pay for. that are going right. Does he see his wife as a
This conversation will go very differently from failure in contrast to himself and the kids? Or is
the previous two. she the dissatisfied judge, for whom no amount
You would likely begin by talking about of success ever seems to be enough? Perhaps he
the breakup. What happened? What did he is confused as to why she is cold and distant, and
value in the relationship? What went wrong? he responds by spending more time pursuing
Why has it been so devastating? What is he his job, where he finds greater satisfaction.
is doing to treat the wounds he feels? What In the same way as the previous cases,

The seeds Jesus sows with his disciples are not

categorically different than the seeds he sows with
outsiders. A wise counselor helps believers and non-
believers see themselves more clearly in order to
relevantly point them toward Jesus.
does he think is needed or helpful? your first priority will be to help him put words
You will also likely explore what he means on his frustration and his interpretation of the
by his “parents’ religion.” Did he grow up with problem. If you discover that he sees his wife as
smothering legalism, where outward behavior the “failure,” you’ll look for ways he is not as “all
mattered but feelings and motives did not? Were together” as he wants to believe. Here you are
they aggressively political because of their faith aiming for him to collide with the reality of his
commitments, but personally uninterested in own sinfulness and lead him to a sense of need
spiritual things? Did they lovingly nurture him for God’s grace. Or, if she turns out to be the
in a healthy church and he resents them because “judge,” you help him put words on the things
he feels he never got the “chance” to get outside he is living for but does not get from her: an easy
a Christian bubble? Is his “parents’ religion” code life, approval, respect, or accomplishment. Begin
for anything old, irrelevant, or getting in the way to see where he is looking for her, or the marriage,
of doing what he wants to do in the modern, to be his savior and to fulfill his greatest hopes.
enlightened world? The gospel offers delightful freedom for a man
In time, you will help him articulate a trapped under the rule of a master he can never
fundamental commitment to his own pleasure please. In this case, he is ultimately more a slave
on his own terms. At some point, you might to his dreams of comfort or significance than he
begin to raise a question as to whether the very is to his wife. If the problem is simply relational
pleasure he is living for is also the thing that distance, you start by encouraging him to pursue
killed his relationship. You want to help him see his wife rather than withdrawing to his job. Then,
that such a commitment will ultimately isolate your ultimate goal is his embrace of the pursuing
him from all relationships. love of Christ for him, and that he will embody
He needs to know the God who is not a that same love for his wife. Christ is the one who
cosmic killjoy—yet who challenges mere self- did not stop loving despite discomfort. When he
indulgence. In fact, God desires deeper human was rejected, he continued to pursue the bride
relationships for this young man than he has that he had come to woo and win.
ever tasted, longs to know and be known by These stories are common. Each one deals
him, and has willingly suffered the cost of a with relationships, desires, problems, hopes, and
“breakup” himself. goals. Yet the differences between them lead to

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very different approaches for you as a counselor! of the kingdom that was good news in the ears
This, on the one hand, gives you the great of sinners when Christ first spoke it. We must
privilege of moving into any relationship with be content with nothing less than delivering
humility and flexibility. You know that you can the good news today, and to deliver it in such
go many possible directions, even when there a way that the person sees that Jesus himself is
is much you don’t yet understand or appreciate surprisingly good. Wise counselors will look to
about this person. On the other hand, you come his example to learn how to scatter seeds as he
with the enormous confidence that God does did, digging through the soil for the best spot to
have something life re-arranging to say to this plant the gospel in the most personal, loving,
person. You will have the opportunity both to and compelling of ways.
speak and to embody his loving-kindness. You _______________________________________
will remain alert to the places where the gospel 1 For a longer discussion of how to ask heart-exposing,
calls people to die to self-centered and destructive life re-interpreting questions, see David Powlison’s chapter
“X-ray Questions” in Seeing with New Eyes (Phillipsburg,
ways of living in fresh and relevant ways. NJ: P & R, 2003), 129-144.
2 The theologian John Calvin vividly captures the way
Be a Sower accurate self-knowledge leads to knowledge of God in his
Embodying Christ’s love is nowhere more introduction to the Institutes. See Institutes of the Christian
crucial than in ministry to non-Christians. We Religion (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1989), 37.
have a message to share. It is the same message

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 The Journal of Biblical Counseling
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