MER2 Talk3 - Communication

COUPLES FOR CHRIST
MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT RETREAT II
TALK # 3 : COMMUNICATION
Expanded outline
A. Introduction.
1. There is much to talk about in marriage--appreciating God's plan for us and discussing
how our relationships within the home can be truly in the Lord.
2. As we go through our married life, there will be disagreements. Even as we talk about our
life in the Lord, there will be disagreements.
a) Periodic disagreement is an inevitable and normal part of marriage.
b) The resolution of such disagreements has to take place verbally. We need to com-
municate.
3. How we communicate will determine in large measure how our marriage will be.
a) Arguments and confrontations, no matter how slight, involve factors of stress and ten-
sion. In such an environment, uncontrolled words can wound in a devastating way.
Prov 18:21a.
b) On the other hand, if we learn to communicate well, we have the foundation with
which to discuss anything, and thus have the means to move on in the Lord.
B. Seven ways of keeping communication under control, especially in difficult discussions.
1. Decide right from the start to be open to what your spouse says, with a willingness to
admit legitimate errors on your part. Let your motive be to discover the truth, not win the
argument.
2. Decide to hear your spouse out without interrupting or losing your temper when he or she
hits a sensitive nerve.
3. Pray and put on your spiritual armor. Remember that the devil is the one who is fanning
the flames and instigating disharmony.
4. Decide not to hurt your spouse.
* You know all the vulnerable, tender spots. Decide not to take any bit of information
your spouse has shared with you and use it as a weapon against him/her.
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5. Be willing to be a dumping ground for your spouse. Realize that there are times when
you just need to let him/her dump out the garbage and hurt that has accumulated. Do
this without retaliation, correction or pat "spiritual" answers.
6. Stick with the main issue and only handle one issue at a time. Don't be sidetracked into
minor points or something that is past history.
7. Avoid sarcasm and joking. Sarcasm does little except inflame the discussion. And
while there could be rare occasions when joking can break the tension and relieve some
pressure, be prudent.
C. Seven things not to say.
1. "You never do what I tell you". Avoid using the word "never".
a) Firstly, it is inaccurate. It is probably not true that your spouse has not once done
what was required.
* Your spouse's reaction will be defensiveness and self-justification, which will ul-
timately blind him/her to any truth in the point you were trying to communicate.
b) Also, it is discouraging.
* What you are saying to your spouse is "You're an absolute failure; you haven't
done one thing right".
* It also communicates that any attempt your spouse has made to comply with you
has been meaningless to you, counting for nothing.
2. "You're just like your mother (or father)!"
a) This is a subtle way of being critical of your spouse's parents.
b) It is a low blow because your spouse did not choose his/her parents or the negative
input they gave him/her, which he/she is probably struggling to overcome. It is nev-
er wise to make someone feel responsible for something he/she did not do or cannot
alter.
3. "You are misunderstanding what I'm saying".
a) This is a subtle way of implying that you are communicating clearly and so the fault
must be with your spouse. You need to realize that none of us is a perfect communi-
cator.
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b) It is better for you to take the responsibility by saying, "Maybe I'm not saying it
clearly enough".
4. "I can't take any more!"
a) In moments of crisis, melodramatic statements like this are common. Such state-
ments are often an escape from the responsibility to face difficulties squarely.
b) God calls on us to endure. Acts 14:22.
5. "It's all your fault. You're to blame"
a) If, through verbal manipulation and domination, you come away from every disa-
greement absolutely blameless, then only one other person is to blame--your spouse.
Your spouse then comes under an often unbearable burden of guilt. Thus nobody ul-
timately wins.
b) James 5:16. Admitting your faults allows healing to come to both parties and re-
leases your spouse from the guilt you would otherwise put on him/her.
c) Also, when things go wrong, often it is nobody's fault. So no blame should be accept-
ed or assigned.
6. "I don't want to talk about it".
a) This is a very dangerous stage. When communication ceases, the avenue for recon-
ciliation is blocked.
b) The silent treatment is never a solution. Resignation to silence is an invitation for bit-
terness to take root, to just nurse your wounds and think of all the evidence against
your spouse.
7. "I'm leaving".
a) Stay and talk things out, no matter how difficult.
D. Seven foundation stones for good communication.
1. Trust. "I promise not to hurt you".
a) Realize that our spouse is the last person we would want to hurt. Follow this through
with keeping our promise not to hurt our spouse. The fruit should be greater trust for
each other.
b) Trust is also an act of faith. It means making yourself vulnerable to one another. It is
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sharing with your spouse that precious secret, hope or desire or those deepest inner
fears and weaknesses, believing that the information will never be used against you as
a weapon.
2. Respect and approval. "You're important to me".
a) It is possible to love someone without showing respect for him/her. The evidence of
respect is your behavior and speech toward your spouse. It is your way of acting, in
terms of honoring, simple courtesy, thoughtfulness, deference and attentiveness.
b) Approval is the verbal expression of respect. Marriage should be replete with state-
ments like, "You did a great job", "I'm proud of what you did".
3. Love. "I love you just the way you are".
a) Love entails acceptance and redemption. The nature of God's love for us is that He
loves and accepts us just as we are. Yet His love draws us redemptively out of sin in-
to salvation.
b) You need to love unconditionally.
c) Unconditional love helps motivate a person to overcome his/her faults and weakness-
es. This is the redemptive quality of love.
4. Self-sacrifice. "Your needs come before mine".
5. Forgiveness. "The slate is clean".
a) Forgive mistakes, forget them and never bring them up again.
6. Honesty (with moderation). "This is exactly how I feel".
a) Two extremes: Hide your emotions, or let fly with a brutal barrage of unbridled
words inflamed with fierce emotions.
b) We need to learn to be truthful without hedging, nor being insensitive or unnecessari-

ly blunt. Honesty, with balance and prudence.
7. Covenant. "Whatever it takes".
a) Covenant means unconditional commitment.
E. Conclusion.
1. Regular communication is a very important element in establishing harmony between
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husband and wife.
2. God desires peace and unity for our marriage. God will reward our efforts to establish
life-giving communication.
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COUPLES FOR CHRIST

MARRIAGE ENRICHMENT RETREAT II

a) Periodic disagreement is an inevitable and normal part of marriage.

B. Seven ways of keeping communication under control, especially in difficult discussions.

4. Decide not to hurt your spouse.

C. Seven things not to say.

2. "You're just like your mother (or father)!"

a) This is a subtle way of being critical of your spouse's parents.

3. "You are misunderstanding what I'm saying".

4. "I can't take any more!"

b) God calls on us to endure. Acts 14:22.

5. "It's all your fault. You're to blame"

6. "I don't want to talk about it".

a) Stay and talk things out, no matter how difficult.

D. Seven foundation stones for good communication.

1. Trust. "I promise not to hurt you".

2. Respect and approval. "You're important to me".

3. Love. "I love you just the way you are".

b) You need to love unconditionally.

4. Self-sacrifice. "Your needs come before mine".

5. Forgiveness. "The slate is clean".

a) Forgive mistakes, forget them and never bring them up again.

6. Honesty (with moderation). "This is exactly how I feel".

b) We need to learn to be truthful without hedging, nor being insensitive or unnecessari-

7. Covenant. "Whatever it takes".

a) Covenant means unconditional commitment.

1. Regular communication is a very important element in establishing harmony between

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