Couple Relationships:

Communication and
Conflict Resolution
by Sandra J. Bailey, Ph.D., CFLE, Family and Human Development Specialist
Understanding gender differences in communication can help us to have more
meaningful communication with our spouse or partner. This awareness can
also lead to more satisfying resolutions when conflict occurs.
MontGuide
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WE OFTEN THINK THAT WOMEN TALK MORE THAN Nonverbal Communication

men, but in reality they talk about the same amount. Over 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal,
It is the type of talk that differs. Men typically talk and it provides a great deal of information about
about work, sports, or problem-solving topics, while what words we are trying to get across. Non-verbal
women tend to focus more on emotions and developing communication includes our body language, facial
connections with others through talking. expressions, the tone of our voice, and rate of our speech.
Women and men also differ in how they talk to a Nonverbal communication:
friend. In a study by Dr. Deborah Tannen, same-sex
• Provides information about the speaker’s mood.
pairs of preschoolers, school age children, and teenagers
Universally we know that a smile means someone is
were asked to enter a room with two chairs and have a
happy while a frown can mean the opposite.
conversation with their friend. The conversations were
videotaped and without using the audio, differences were • Regulates the interaction. If the speaker appears
found. The girls arranged the chairs so that they were rushed the recipient can expect a brief conversation.
sitting facing one another and leaned in to talk to their If the speaker crosses her arms and stands over the
friend. The boys had a tendency to set the chairs side by recipient then he may believe the speaker is not happy.
side and not look directly at their friend when talking. • Defines the relationship. Typically, the communication
Boys were also more fidgety. In this study girls showed with a spouse or partner is more intimate than with
signs of more interest in emotional connection. These casual acquaintances. We sit closer to our loved one
differences were found for all of the age groups. and more touch is involved than what we would
When Dr. Tannen included the audio, the experience with an acquaintance.
conversations were different. Boys usually tried to “one Our body language, facial expression, and the tone
up” the other on an activity. For example one boy might of our conversation says more than the actual words.
say, “I went hunting with my Dad and we walked one Research suggests that women are better at being aware of
mile.” The next boy would say, “I went hunting with and acting on nonverbal communication than are men.
my Dad and we walked five miles.” And yet another boy While there are gender differences in communication,
would say, “I went hunting with my Dad and we walked the differences have more to do with gender roles than
clear to the other side of the mountains.” gender. Women in powerful positions may not be as
Girls, on the other hand, want to have the same thing concerned with nonverbal cues. Some men are more
or feeling as their friend. For example one girl might say, sensitive than others and will pay more attention to
“My Mom bought me a new shirt.” The other girl might nonverbal cues.
say, “My Mom bought me a new shirt too and it’s blue!” One problem with being too focused on nonverbal
Then the first girl might reply, “Blue? Mine has blue on communication is jumping to conclusions. For example,
it too!” Dr. Tanner suggests that this shows that girls tend if a young girl sees her father with a frown on his face, she
to be more concerned about emotional connection, while may think that she is in trouble before he has a chance to
boys are more concerned about being the top “guy.” speak. He may have been thinking about something else.

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 Assess Your Own Nonverbal Communication

When I am talking to others I: Yes No I need to

work on this
Look directly at the person to show interest.
Avoid crossing my arms across my chest so that I communicate a willingness to listen.
Stand or sit at the same level with the person.
Smile or nod my head to show interest.
Try to look relaxed so the other person will relax.
Use a friendly tone of voice.

For every “no” answer you gave, consider how you might change your nonverbal communication to be more positive.
Check those behaviors you would like to work on changing. Revisit your list in three months to assess whether or not
you have made changes.

Conversation Topics Resolving Conflicts

There are also gender differences in what we say. Women All couples have conflict at some time. This is because
talk more about their feelings and concerns while men we have a strong emotional connection with those we
stick to more impersonal topics. Women speak more love. Conflict is not bad if the couple works through
hesitantly. They often end with question to gain approval. the problem and are respectful of one another in
For example: “It's hot today, isn’t it?” Men are more likely communication and action.
to be direct such as “It’s hot today.” Men and women respond to conflict in different ways.
In general, women share more with friends than Men are more likely than women to withdraw from
do men. They also spend more time in conversations conflict. They withdraw more when women try to get
focusing on the relationship. Men share more with them to talk about the problem. Women are more direct
their spouses or partners rather than with other men. than men and want to address the conflict. This may be
Women tend to be more expressive in their talk. Men related to women’s tendency to be concerned with the
are more matter of fact and want to make a statement emotional aspect of the relationship. Women are also
to get something done. This can cause a breakdown in more critical in addressing conflict.
communication between men and women. Men want When couples are unhappy, resolving conflict is more
to take action while women seek to make sure the other difficult. Unhappy couples often have miscommunication.
person’s feelings and thoughts have been expressed before Here are some things that cause miscommunication:
taking action. • Not focusing on the problem that we need to address.
Remember that when a woman asks a question, she Some people try to change the subject so that they
is often trying to connect with her spouse or partner. don’t have to focus on the problem. Others may try
For example, “What do you want to do about dinner and bring in all of the problems the couple ever had to
tonight,” means more than, “What is for dinner.” She avoid the original issue.
may be trying to see if he wants to eat out.
• Not listening to our spouse or partner causes
Men on the other hand would be more likely to say, problems. Interrupting your spouse or partner is one
“Let’s go to a movie tonight,” being more direct in what way to tell the person you are not listening.
they want. A woman hearing this statement may feel that
she hasn’t been consulted about the couple’s plans for the • Assuming our spouse or partner can read our mind.
evening. We can’t read minds. The other person will not know
how we feel unless we let him or her know.
Understanding that men and women in general have
different styles of communication can help men and • Finding fault with everything our spouse or partner brings
women better understand one another. Men need to up as a solution is not helpful. This is called “yes, butting”
remember that women often want to connect with the where one person can’t find anything to agree on.
other person when talking and women need to recognize
that men may be more direct.

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• Competing with your spouse to try and make your - Focus on the topic of the conflict. Don’t bring in
problem seem worse does not help when there is other problems.
conflict. This does not help when trying to solve a • Saying what we mean – being clear in our messages
problem. and asking the other person what they heard.
• Displaying a negative attitude does not help when • Being polite and staying cool – if the situation is too
there is conflict. This includes: tense, take a break and come back to the issue later.
- Mocking or insulting the other person Be sure to set a specific time when the issue will be
- Being defensive revisited otherwise it may be left unresolved. Allow at
- Withdrawing from the conversation least a few hours to pass before revisiting the issue. For
example, “I need to think about this, let’s talk about it
- Being aggressive or belligerent
after dinner.”
Conflicts need to be resolved. Those that aren’t will • Offering respect and validation – even if the couple
“simmer” between partners and eventually boil over into disagrees. Being respectful and validating one another’s
a larger problem. Resolving conflicts can be done in a feelings is important in a relationship.
constructive way. Some good strategies to use when there
• Asking yourself whether or not the issue is important
is a conflict include:
enough for a conflict. Sometimes we argue over small
• Using active listening skills. issues that can be resolved by agreeing to disagree.
- “I” statements are less offensive to the other person.
For example instead of saying, “You never spend Rules for Conflict
time at home with me,” say, “I would like to spend Most of the rules in our families and relationships
more time with you. I get lonesome when you are are unwritten. We are socialized to know family rules
gone so much. Can we think of a way to be together from the time we are born. Couples develop rules for
more often?” their relationship as they spend time with one another.
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings. For example, However, having clear rules for handling conflict is
“You sound upset.” important. Talk over the rules before a conflict occurs.
- Check to make sure what you heard is what the other Your rules might include:
person is saying. For example, “Am I hearing you • No shouting at one another
correctly, that you would like to find a different job?” • No swearing
The other person then has the chance to clarify if
needed.

With your spouse or partner, write down the rules for conflict that you want for your relationship.

Your spouse or
When we have disagreements with each other we will follow these rules: Your initials:
partners initials:

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• Allowing you or your partner to “cool off” before References
discussing the problem Brehm, S. S., Miller, R. S., Perlman, D., & Campbell,
• No going to bed mad at each other S. M. (2002). Intimate relationships. (3rd ed.). Boston:
• No putting one another down McGraw Hill.
• Sticking to the current problem and not bringing in Galvin, K. M., Bylund, C. L., & Brommel, B. J. (2008).
other issues Family communication: Cohesion and change. (7th ed.).
With your spouse or partner, you may want to write Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
down the rules for conflict that you want for your Tannen, D. (2006). You’re wearing that: Understanding
relationship. mothers and daughters in conversation. New York:
Try using the strategies you read in this guide the next Random House.
time you and your spouse or partner have a disagreement. DiNozzi, R. (Director). (2001). He said, she said: Gender,
Some of the ideas such as “I” statements may feel language and communication. [Video recording] with
awkward at first. Keep practicing and they will become D. Tannen. Los Angeles: Into the Classroom Media.
more natural to you. Remember that conflict happens in
all relationships, it is how the conflict is handled that is Acknowledgements
the key. We would like to acknowledge the following people who
reviewed earlier versions of this guide:
Robert DelCampo, Ph.D., Professor, Family and
Consumer Sciences, New Mexico State University
Adele Stenson, MSU Extension Agent, Pondera County
Katelyn Anderson, MSU Extension Agent, Ravalli
County

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