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 CLOSER
Copyright© 2000, Patrick Marber
All Rights Reserved
CAUT!ON: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that perfor-
mance of CLOSER Is subject to payment of a royalty. It is fully protected
under the copyright laws of the Umted States of America, and of all coun-
tries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the
Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all
countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Uni-
versal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries
with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights,
includin~ without limitation professional/amateur stage rights, motion pic-
ture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television,
video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical, electronic and dig-
ital reproduction, transmission and distribution, such as CD, DVD, the
Internet, private and file-sharing networks, information storage and
retrieval systems, photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign
languages are smctly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the
matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the Author's
agent in writing. For Debra
The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the
United States, its territories and possessions and the Dominion of Canada
for CLOSER are controlled exdusively by DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE,
INC., 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or non-
professional performance of the Play (excluding first class professional per-
formance) may be given without obtaining in advance the written permis-
sion of DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC., and paying the requisite fee.
Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to Judy Daish Asso-
ciates Ltd., 2 St Charles Place, London WIO 6EG, England. Atm:Judy Daish.
SPECIAL NOTE
Anyone receiving permission to produce CLOSER is required to give credit
to the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the title page of all
programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all
instances in which the title of the Play appears for purposes of advertising,
publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/ or a production thereof.
The name of the Author must appear on a separate line, in which no other
name appears, immediately beneath the title and in size of type equal to 50%
of the size of the largest, most prominent letter used for the title of the Play.
No person, firm or entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than
that accorded the Author. The following acknowledgment must appear on
the title page in all programs distributed in connection with performances of
the Play:
Originally produced on Broadway in New York City by
Robert Fox Scott Rudin Roger Berlind
Carole Shorenstein Hays ABC Inc. The Shubert Organization, Inc.

2
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AUIHOR'S NOTE

My grateful thanks to those mentioned elsewhere and also to: '11111 revised version of Closw incorporates cuts, additions and
rewrites effected in London and New York over the last two
Polly Draper, Dagmara Dominczyk,Joseph Murphy, Natacha Roi, yean. This version replaces those previously published and is the
J.Tucker Smith, Deirdre McCrane, John Barlow, Ilene Starger, 10lf! authorized version of the play.
Stuart Thompson, Sean Free, Kim Levin, Gene O'Donovan,
Laura Brown MacKinnon, Ilona Somogyi, Rivka Katvan, Patsy An alternative "spoken" version of Scene 3 appears at the end of
Rodenburg, Traci Klainer, Janice Wilde, Kim Miscia, James thl• lt"Xl.
Gardner, Sal Sclafani, Eric E. Smith, Christopher Cronin, James
Michael Kabel, Kevin Mark Harris, Audrey Maher, Sonia Rivera,
Mark Enright, Lisa Patterson, Lynn R. Camilo, Drew Hodges, Jim
Edwards, Darby Lunceford, Joan Marcus, Adrian Bryan-Brown,
John Cohen, Mark Roybal, Sherman Gross, Dennis Maher,
Richard Beck, Kim Garnett, Terry McGarty, Carlos Jaramillo,
Bobby Minor, Danny Paulos, Tim Barrett, David Macaaron, Ray
Oravetz, John Payne, Paul Groothuis and Gerald Schoenfeld.

PR PM. London, August 1999.

6063
A614
C56
2000

SCOTT

4 5
 CLOSER was produced by Robert Fox, Scott Rudin, Roger CHARACTERS
Berlind, Carole Shorenstein Hays, ABC Inc., The Shubert Orga-
nization, and The Royal National Theatre on Broadway at the
Music Box Theater on March 9, 1999. It was directed by Patrick ALICE
Marber; the set design was by Vicki Mortimer; the lighting A girl from the town.
design was by Hugh Vanstone; the music was by Paddy Cunneen;
the sound design was by Simon Baker; the Internet design was DAN
by John Owens; and the production stage manager was R. Wade A man from the suburbs.
Jackson. The cast was as follows:
LARRY
ALICE .............................................................................. Anna Friel A man from the city.
DAN .......................................................................... Rupert Graves
IARRY ........................................................................ Ciaran Hinds ANNA
ANNA .............................................................. Natasha Richardson A woman from the country.

CLOSER was first presented in the Cottesloe auditorium of the

Royal National Theatre (Richard Eyre, Artistic Director), London,
England, on May 22, 1997. The cast was as follows:

ALICE ............................................................................ Liza Walker

DAN ............................................................................... Clive Owen
IARRY ........................................................................ Ciaran Hinds
ANNA............................................................................ Sally Dexter

6 7
 SETTING

The play is set in London in the 1990s. CLOSER

Scene 1: January
Scene 2: June (The following year)
Scene 3: January (The following year) ACT ONE
Scene 4: January (The next day)
Scene 5: June (Five months later)
Scene 6: June (A year later)
Scene 7: September (Three months later) Scene 1
Scene 8: October (A month later)
Scene 9: November (A month later)
Scene 10: December (A month later) Hospital.
Scene 11: January (A month later)
Scene 12: July (Six months later) Early morning. ifanuary.)

The above dates are for information only. They should not be Alice is sitting. She is wearing a black coat. She has a rucksack
included in any production program or design. by her side. Also, an old, brown, kather briefcase.

All settings should be minimal. She rolls down one sock. She has a cut on her leg, quite bloody.
She looks at it. She picks some strands of wool from the wound.

She looks at the briefcase. Thinks. Looks around. Opens it. She
searches inside. She pulls out some sandwiches in silver foil. She
looks at the contents, smiles, puts them back in the briefcase.
Then she removes a green apple from the briefcase. She shines
the apple and bites into it.

As she starts to chew Dan enters. He wears a suit and an over-

coat. He stops, watches her eating his apple. He is holding
two hot drinks in Styrofoam cups. After a while she sees him
and smiles.

ALlCE. Sorry. I was looking for a cigarette.

DAN. I've given up. (He hands her a drink.)

8 9
 ALICE.
where?
Thanks. (He checks his watch.) Have you got to be some- f DAN. My pleasure.
ALICE. You knight. (Dan loo/t,s at her.)
DAN. Work. (They sip their drinks.) Didn't fancy my sandwiches?
ALICE. I don't eat fish. DAN. You damHL
DAN. Why not? Why didn't you look?
ALICE. I never look where I'm going.
ALICE. Fish piss in the sea.
DAN. We stood at the lights, I looked into your eyes and then
DAN. So do children.
you ... stepped into the road.
ALICE. I don't eat children either. What's your work?
ALICE. Then what?
DAN. I'm a ... sort ofjournalist.
ALICE. What sort? DAN. You were lying on the ground, you focused on me, you
(Beat.) said, "Hallo, stranger."
DAN. I write obituaries. ALICE. What a slut.
(Beat.) DAN. I noticed your leg was cut.
ALICE. Did you notice my legs?
ALICE. Do you like it ... in the dying business?
DAN. It's a living. DAN. Quite possibly.
ALICE. Then what?
ALICE. Did you grow up in a graveyard?
DAN. The cabbie got out. He crossed himself. He said, "Thank
DAN. Yeah. Suburbia.
(Beat.) fuck, I thought I'd killed her."
I said, "Let's get her to a hospital." He hesitated ... (I think he
ALICE. Do you think a doctor will come?
thought there'd be paperwork and he'd be held "responsible")
DAN. Eventually. Does it hurt?
ALICE. I'll live. so I sais;i, with a slight sneer, "Please, just drop us at the hospital."
ALICE. Show me the sneer. (Dan considers, then sneers.) Very
DAN. Shall I put your leg up?
ALICE. liWty? good. Buster.
DAN. We put you in the cab and came here.
DAN. That's what people do in these situations.
ALICE. What was I doing?
ALICE. What is this "situation"? (They look at each other.) DAN. You were murmuring, "I'm very sorry for all the incon-
DAN. Do you want me to put your leg up?
venience." I had my arm round you ... your head was on my
ALICE. Yes, please. (Dan lifts her /,eg onto a chair.)
shoulder.
DAN. I've got a mobile, is there anyone you'd like to phone? ALICE. Was my head ... lolling?
ALICE. I don't know anyone.
Who cut off your crusts? DAN. That's exactly what it was doing.
DAN. Me. (Pause.)
ALICE. You'll be late for work.
ALICE. Did your mother cut off your crusts when you were a DAN. Are you saying you want me to go?
-little boy?
DAN. I believe she did, yes. ALICE. I'm saying you'll be late for work.
(Beat.)
ALICE. You should eat your crusts.
DAN. Why were you at Blackfriars Bridge?
DAN. You should stop smoking.
(Beat.) ALICE. I'd been to a club near the meat market ... SmithfU!ld.
Do you go clubbing?
ALICE. Thank you for scraping me off the road.
DAN. No, I'm too old.

10
11
 IC' f .'.' n .f .111 ('l •1f"
\.,
y('IC rl. ' II '' '

~'' r.
ALICE. How old are you? r (,.\ \, \\ {' ~>

DAN. Thirty-five. j-' ')c_ ',,-, _'o' c Al.ICE. Yes.

(&at.)
ALICE. Half-time?
DAN. Well ... we call it "the obits page." There's three of us;
DAN. Thank you very much. So, you were clubbing ... mt', Harry and Graham. When I get to work, without fail,
ALICF.. Then I went for a walk, I went to see the meat being Graham will say, "Who's on the slab?" Meaning, did anyone
unloaded.
Important die overnight - are you sure you want to know?
DAN. The carcasses, why?
ALICE. fu.
ALICE. Because they're repulsive. DAN. Well, if someone "important" did die we go to the "deep
Then I found this tiny park ... it's a graveyard too. Pf!SJman s freeze" which is a computer containing all the obituaries and
~ we'll find the dead person's life.
Do you know it? ALICE. People's obituaries are written when they're still alive?
DAN. No. DAN. Some people's.
ALICE. There's a memorial to ordinary people who died If no one important has died then Harry- he's the editor -
saving the lives of others. he decides who we lead with and we check facts, make calls,
It's most curious. polish the prose.
Then I decided to go to Borough - so I went to Blackfriars Some days I might be asked to deal with the widows or wid-
Bridge to cross the river. owers; they try to persuade us to run an obituary of their hus-
DAN. That park ... it's near here? bands or wives. They feel we're dishonouring their loved ones if
ALICE. Yes. we don't but ... most of them are ... well, there isn't the space.
DAN. Is there a ... statue? At six, we stand round the computer and read the next day's
. ~-s ALICE. A Minotaur. page, make final changes, put in a few euphemisms to amuse
·./ ,,.. ourselves ...
DAN. I ilQ know it. We sat there ... (my mother's dead) ... my
father and I sat there the afternoon she died. ALICE. Such as?
She died here, actually. fillf. was a smoker. DAN. "He was a convivial fellow," meaning he was an alcoholic.
(Remembering.) My father ... ate ... an egg sandwich ... his hands "He valued his privacy" - gay.
shook with grief ... pieces of egg fell on the grass ... butter on his "He enjoyed his privacy" ... raging queen.
top lip. (Pause. Alice slowly strokes Dan's face. He is unnerved but not
But I don't remember a memorial. unwilling.)
ALICE. Is your father still alive? ALICE. And what would your euphemism be?
DAN. Clinging on. He's in a home. DAN. (Softly.) For me?
ALICE. Mmm.
ALICE. How did you end up writing obituaries? What did you
really want to be? DAN. He was ... reserved.
ALICE. And mine?
DAN. (Smiles.) Oh ... I had dreams of being a writer but I had
no voice. DAN. She was ... disarming.
(Beat.)
What am I saying? I had no talent.
ALICE. How did you get this job?
So ... I ended up in the "Siberia" of journalism. DAN. They ask you to write your own obituary: if it amuses,
ALICE. Tell me what you do, I want to imagine you in Siberia. you're in. (They are close. Looking at each other. Larry walks past in a
DAN. Really?
white coat. Dan stops him.)

12 13
DAN. Excuse me, we've been waiting quite a long time ... DAN. You've never left someone you still love?
LARRY. I'm sorry, it's not my ... (Larry is about to walk away. He ALICE. No.
gl.ances briefly at Alice. "Pretty gfrl. "He stops.) (Beat.)
What happened? DAN. When did you come back?
ALICE. I was hit by a cab. ALICE. Yesterday.
DAN. She was unconscious for about ten seconds. DAN. Where are your belongings? (Alice points to her rucksack.)
l.ARRY. May I? (Larry looks at the wound and examines her kg with ALICE. I'm a waif.
in~st.)You can feel your toes? (Beat.)
ALICE. Yes. DAN. Did you like New York?
LARRY. What's this? (Larry traces the line of a scar on her kg.) ALICE. Sure.
ALICE. It's a scar. DAN. Were you ... studying?
LARRY. Yes, I know it's a scar. How did you get it? - ALICE. Stripping. (Alice looks at him.) Look at your little eyes.
ALICE. In America. A truck. (Larry looks at the scar.) DAN. I can't see my little eyes.
LARRY. Awful job. ALICE. They're popping out. You're a cartoon.
ALICE. I was in the middle of nowhere. (Beat.)
LARRY. You'll be fine. (Larry makes to /,eave.) DAN. Were you ... "good" at it?
ALICE. Can I have one? (Larry looks at her, she nods at his pocket.) ALICE. Exceptional.
A cigarette. (Larry takes out his pack of cigarettes and removes one. DAN. Why?
Alice reaches for it, he withdraws it.) ALICE. I know what men want.
LARRY. Don't smoke it here. (He hands her the cigarette.) DAN. Really?
DAN. Thank you. (Larry exits. Alice lights the cigarette.) ALICE. Oh yes.
ALICE. Want a drag? DAN. Tell me ... (Alice considers.)
DAN. Yes but no. What were you doing, in "the middle of ALICE. Men want a girl who looks like a boy.
nowhere"? They want to protect her but she must be a survivor.
ALICE. Travelling.
And she must come ... like a train ... but with ... ekgance.
(Beat.)
What do you want?
DAN. Alone?
(Pause.)
ALICE. With ... a mak.
DAN. Who was this ... mak?
(Beat.)
ALICE. A customer. But once I was his he hated me stripping.
DAN. What happened to this male?
ALICE. I don't know, I ran away. (Dan smiks.)
DAN. Where? DAN. What do you want?
ALICE. New York. ALICE. To be loved.
DAN. Just like that? DAN. That simple?
ALICE. It's a big want. (Alice looks at him.) Do you have a girl-
ALICE. It's the only way to leave; "I don't love yo~_(l~ore,
~e." . friend?
DAN. Supposing you do still love them? DAN. Yeah, Ruth ... she's called Ruth. She's a linguist. (Dan
ALICE. You don't leave. looks at Alice.) Will you meet me after work?

14 15
ALICE. No, take the day off. Don't go and see "who's on the ANNA. If you stand on Blackfriars Bridge you can see where it
slab. "I'll call in for you and say you're sick. romes out.
DAN. I can't. DAN. I think I will.
ALICE. Don't be such a pussy. ANNA. You must. (Shot.)
DAN. I might be anyone, I might be a psychotic. Stay there. (Shots.)
ALICE. I've met psychotics, you're not. Phone. (She holds out her It inspired an "urban legend" - a bit like the alligators in
hand, Dan gives her his mobile.) New York. People thought that pigs were breeding underground
DAN. Memory One. (Alice punches in the number and pulls out the and then one day this big, fat boar swam out into the Thames
<Je'T'ial with her teeth.) and trotted off along the Embankment.
ALICE. Who do I speak to? DAN. So it was true?
DAN. Harry Masters. ANNA. No, it escaped. From Smithfwld.
ALICE. What's your name? DAN. Pigs swim?
ANNA. Surprisingly well. (Shots.)
DAN. Mr. Daniel Woolf. What's your name?
Relax. (Anna changes film, adjusts a light, etc. Dan stands up.)
(Beat.)
DAN. Do you mind if I smoke?
ALICE. Alice. My name is Alice Ayres.
ANNA. If you must.
DAN. I don't have to.
BIACKOUT ANNA. Then don't. (Anna looks at Dan.) I liked your book.
DAN. Thanks ...
ANNA. When's it published?
DAN. Next year, how come you read it?
ANNA. Your publisher sent me a manuscript, I read it last
Scene 2 night. You kept me up till four.
DAN. I'm flattered.
ANNA. Is your anonymous heroine based on someone real?
Anna's studio. (Beat.)
DAN. She's ... someone called Alice.
Late afternoon. June. (The following year.) ANNA. How does she feel about you stealing her life?
DAN. Borrowing her life. I'm dedicating the book to her, she's
Anna stands behind her camera. Dan sits. Anna takes a shot. pleased. (Dan is staring at her, Anna turns, looks at him.)
(Pause.)
Do you exhibit?
ANNA. Good. (Shot.) ANNA. Next summer.
Don't move. (Shots.) DAN. Portraits?
DAN. What was this building? ANNA. Yes.
ANNA. A refuge for fallen women. (Shot.) DAN. Ofwho?
DAN. Wasn't there a river here? (Beat.)
ANNA. The Fleet. They built over it in the eighteenth century. ANNA. Strangers. (Anna gestures for him to sit again. She checks the
DAN. A buried river. (Shot.) light on him with a meter.)

16 17
DAN. How do your strangers feel about you stealing their lives? ANNA. Photographing strangers. I took my first picture in the
ANNA. Borrowing. (Anna adjusts his hair.) one at London Zoo.
DAN. Am I a stranger? (Silence.)
ANNA. No ... you're ajob. DAN. (Gently.) Come here ...
(Pause.) (Pause. Anna moves towards him, slowly. She stops.)
DAN. You're beautiful. ANNA. I don't kiss strange men.
(Beat.) DAN. Neither do I. (They kiss. Ten seconds. Anna slowly pulls
ANNA. No I'm not. (Anna looks down the I.ens,) Chin up, you're back.)
a sloucher. (Shots.) ANNA. Do you and this ... Alice ... live together? (Dan considers.)
DAN. You didn't find it obscene? DAN .... Yes ...
ANNA. What? ANNA. (Nods.) "She has one address in her address book; ours ...
DAN. The book. under 'H' for home." (Dan touches her face.)
ANNA. No, I thought it was ... accurate. (Shot.) DAN. I've cut that line.
DAN. About what? ANNA. Why?
ANNA. About sex. About love. (Shot.) DAN. Too sentimental. (Anna gently takes his hand from her face,
DAN. In what way? looks at it and then pulls away from him.)
ANNA. You wrote it. Are you married?
DAN. But you read it. Till ./JmI. (Dan looks at her, Anna looks down ANNA. Yes. (Dan turns away, she looks at him.)
the lens.) No. (Dan turns back.)
ANNA. Don't raise your eyebrows, you look smug. (Shot.) Yes.
Stand up. (Dan stands up.) DAN. Which?
DAN. But you did like it? ANNA. Separated.
ANNA. Yes, but I could go off it. (Shots.) DAN. Do you have any children?
DAN. Any criticisms? (Anna considers.) ANNA. No.
ANNA. Bad title. DAN. Would you like some?
DAN. Got a better one? ANNA. Yes, but not today. (She shuts her camera case and begins to
ANNA. Really? pack up, session over.) Would Alice like children?
DAN. Yeh ... DAN. She's too young. (Dan glances at his watch.) Actually ...
(Beat.) she's coming to meet me here ... quite soon.
ANNA. The Aquarium. (They look at each other.) ANNA. Why are you wasting her time?
(Beat.). DAN. I'm not. I'm grateful to her ... she's ... completely love-
DAN. You liked the dirty bit... ? able and completely unleaveable.
ANNA. Some of it. ANNA. And you don't want someone else to get their dirty
DAN. You like Aquariums? hands on her?
ANNA. Fish are therapeutic. (Beat.)
DAN. Hang out in Aquariums, do you? DAN. Maybe.
ANNA. When I can. ANNA. Men are crap.
DAN. Good for picking up "Strangers"? DAN. But all the same ...

18 19
 ANNA. They're still crap. (The door buzzer goes.) Your muse. ALICE. Because you'll have to go away. (To Anna.) We don't
(Dan looks at Anna.) want him here while we're working, do we?
DAN. (Ironic.) You've ruined my life. ANNA. No, we don't.
ANNA. You'll get over it. (They look at each other. Dan goes to exit.) (Beat.)
Dan ... (Dan turns.) Your shirt. (Dan exits, tucking his shirt into DAN. ... Right ... I'll wait in the pub on the corner ... (He kisses
Alice.) Have fun. (To Anna.) Thank you. Good luck with your
his trousers.)
(Silence. Anna thinks. Dan enters with Alice. Her hair is a different ~xhibition.

colour from Scene 1.) ANNA. Good luck with your book.
DAN. Anna ... Alice. DAN. Thanks. (Dan exits, lighting a cigaretu as he goes.)
ANNA. Hi. (Alice looks at Anna.) ALICE. Yo11 've got an exhibition?
ALICE. I'm sorry if you're still working. ANNA. Only a small one. Take a seat. (Alice sits. Anna busies her-
ANNA. No, we've just finished. self with the camera, checks light, etc. Alice watches her.)
ALICE. Was he well-behaved? I read Dan's book, you've had ... quite a life.
ANNA. Reasonably. ALICE. Thanks.
ALICE. Is he photogenic? Are you single?
ANNA. I think so. ANNA. ... Yes.
ALICE. Did you steal his soul? ALICE. Who was your last boyfriend?
ANNA. Would you like some tea? ANNA. (Unsure where this is kading.) My husband ...
ALICE. No thanks, I've been serving it all day. Can I use the ... ? ALICE. What happened to him?
,i'
ANNA. (Gestures.) Through there. (Alice exits.) She is beautiful. (Beat.)
DAN. Yes, she is. (Dan looks at Anna.) I've got to see you. ANNA. Someone younger.
ANNA. No! ALICE. What did he do?
DAN. Why are you getting all ... "sisterly"? ANNA. He made money. In the City.
ANNA. I'm not getting "sisterly," I don't want troubie. ALICE. We used to get those in the clubs. Wall Street boys.
DAN. I'm not trouble. ANNA. So ... these places were quite ... upmarket?
ANNA. You're taken. ALICE. Some of them, but I preferred the dives.
(Pause.) ANNA. Why?
DAN. I've got to see you. ALICE. The poor are more generous. (Anna /,oohs into the camera.)
ANNA. (Shakes her head.) Tul!gb.. ANNA. You've got a great face. (Anna focuses.) How do you feel
(Pause. Alice enters.) about Dan using your life, for his book?
ALICE. I'm a block of ice. (Dan goes to Alice and rubs her. To ALICE. None of your fucking business. (Alice stares at Anna.)
Anna.) Will you take my photo? When he let me in ... dQW11stairs, he had ... this ... "look."
I've never been photographed by a professional before. I just listened to your ... conversation.
I'd really appreciate it, I can pay you. (Siknce.)
(Pause.) ANNA. I don't know what to say.
ANNA. No ... I'd like to ... ALICE. (Gently.) Take my picture.
ALICE. (To Dan.) Only if you don't mind. (Pause.)
DAN. Why should I?

20 21
 ·I'

I'
I!
ANNA. I'm not a thief, Alice. (Anna looks down the kns.) LARRY. Larry. U? (Dan considers.)
Head up ... (Alice raises &r head, she is in tears.) DAN. Anna 1 I
You look beautiful. Turn to me ... (Anna takes her shots. They LARRY. Nice 2 meet U
look at each other.) DAN. I love COCK
Good. (Pause.)
LARRY. Youre v.forward
BIACKOUT DAN. And UR chatting on "LONDON FUCK." Do U want sex?
LARRY. yes. describe u.
DAN. Dark hair. Dirty mouth. Epic Tits.
LARRY. define epic
DAN. 36DD
Scene 3 LARRY. Nice arse?
11,

DAN. Y I
LARRY. Becos i want 2 know (Dan smiks.) 11111
Internet. DAN. No, "Y'' means "Yes."
LARRY. 0
Early evening. January. (The following year.) DAN. I want 2 suck U senseless.
LARRY. B my guest
Dan is in his flat sitting at a tabk with a computer. There is a DAN. Sit on my face Fuckboy.
Newtons Cradk on the tabk. Writerly sloth, etc. LARRY. I'm there
DAN. Wear my wet knickers.
Larry is sitting at his hospital desk with a computer. He is wear- (Beat.)
ing a white coat.
LARRY. ok
DAN. RU well hung?
They are in separate rooms.
LARRY. 9£
(Speaking.) Shit.
The scene is siknt. Their "dialogue" appears on a large screen
(Typing.) 9"
simultaneous to their typing it.
DAN. GET IT OUT. (Larry considers and then unzips. He puts his
hand in his trousers. The phone on his desk rings. Loud. He jumps.)
DAN. Hallo LARRY. (Speaking.) Wait.
(Typing.) wait (Larry picks up the phone. Dan lights a cigarette.)
IARRY. hi
DAN. HowRU? (Speaking.) fu. What's the histology? Progressive1 Sounds like
IARRY. ok an atrophy. (Larry puts the phone down and goes back to his keyboard.
DAN. Cum here often? Dan clicks the balls on his Newton '.s Cradk.)
IARRY. ? hallo? (Dan looks at his screen.)
DAN. Net anna
IARRY. 1st time (Speaking.) Bollocks.
DAN. A Virgin. Welcome. What's your name? (Typing.) ANNA? WHERE RU?

22 23
 DAN. Hey, big Larry, what d'you wank about? (Larry considers.) DAN. NOW ii
LARRY. Ex-girlfriends lARRY. can't. I'm a Dr. Must do rounds. (Dan smiks. Larry flicks
DAN. Not current g-friends?
through his desk diary.)
LARRY. Never (Dan smiles.) DAN. Dont b a pussy. Life without riskisdeath. Desire, like the
DAN. Tell me your sex-ex fantasy ... world, is am accident. The bestsex is anon. We liv as we dream,
IARRY. Hotel room ... they tie me up ... tease me ... won't let ALONE. I'll make u cum like a train.
me come. They fight over me, 6 tonges on my cock, ballls, per- lARRY. Tomorrow, lpm, where? (Dan thinks.)
ineum etc.
DAN. The Aquarium, London Zoo & then HOTEL.
DAN. All hail the Sultan ofTwat? (Larry laughs.) I.,.
lARRY. How will U know me?
LARRY. Anna, wot do U wank about? (Dan thinks.) DAN. Bring white coat
DAN. Strangers.
lARRY. details ... lARRY. ?
DAN. Dr+ Coat= Horn 4 me
DAN. They form a Q and I attend to them like a cum hungry lARRY. !
bitch, I in each hole and both hands. I

LARRY. then? DAN. I send U a rose my love ...

lARRY. ? I
DAN. They cum in my mouth arse tits cunt hair. DAN. (@)
LARRY. (SpeaAing.) Jesus. (Larry's phoru rings. He picks up the
Tl!Ceiver and rq,laces it without answering. 1Mn he talces it off the hook.)
I
(Typing.) then? \I
DAN. i lik it off like the dirty slut I am. Wait,have to type with II
I hand ... I'm cumming right now ... I
ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho I
lARRY. Thanks. CU at Aquarium. Bye Anna.
00000000000000000000000ooooooooooooooooooooooooo
0000000 DAN. Bye Larry xxxxx 'I
lARRY. xxxxxx (They look at their screens.) !

+_) (*&"%$£"!_*)&%A&f"f"£$%%M%&A%&&*&*( (*(*)&A

%"*{(£££
BUCK.OUT
(Pause. Larry, motionl.ess, stma at his SCfM&.)
lARRY. was it good?
DAN. No. (Larry shalres his head.)
lARRY. I'm shocked
DAN. PARADISE SHOULD BE SHOCKING
LARRY. RU4 real?
(Beat.J
DAN. MEETME .
(Pause.)
lARRY. serious?
DAN. Y
lARRY. when

24 25
 Scene 4 LARRY. (Laughs.) No, I'm doing one.
ANNA. You really ~ a doctor?
LARRY. I said I was. (Sudden panic.) You are ... .d.zillg?
Aquarium. ANNA. Yes. I'm sorry, have we met somewhere?
LARRY. Don't play games, you ... "Nymph of the Net."
Aftmioon. January. (The next day.) (Confused.) You were filthy yesterday.
ANNA. Was I?
Anna is sitting on a bench, alone. She has a camera. She looks LARRY. YES. "Wear my wet knickers," "Sit on my face," "I'm a
at the fzsh, occasionally referring to her guidebook. cum-hungry bitch typing with one ... " (Anna smiles.) I

Why do I feel like a pervert?

Larry enters. He sees Anna. He checks her out and smil.es. Anna ANNA. I think ... you're the victim ... of a medic's prank. 11
sees him and vaguely nods, acknowl.edging his presence. (Pause.) 1111

LARRY. I am so sorry. (Larry exits. Anna chuckl.es. Larry reenters.)

NO. We spoke on the Net but now you've seen me you don't ...
LARRY. Anna? it's fine, I'm not going to get~ about it. I"'
ANNA. ... Yes ... ? (Larry unbuttons his overcoat and holds it open. He ANNA. Then why are you upset?
is wearing his white coat underneath.) LARRY. I'm not, I'm frustrated.
LARRY. I've got "The Coat." (Anna observes him.) ANNA. I don't even have a computer, I'm a photographer.
ANNA. Yes, you have. (Larry considers.)
LARRY. "The White Coat." LARRY. Where were you between the hours of 5.45 and 6.00 P.M.,
ANNA. So I see ... yesterday?
LARRY. I'm Larry. (Dirty.) "The Doctor." ANNA. I was in a cafe seeing ... an acquaintance.
(Beat.) LARRY. Name?
ANNA. Hallo, Doctor Larry. ANNA. Alice Ayres.
LARRY. Feel free to call me ... "The Sultan." LARRY. The nature of your business?
ANNA. Why? ANNA. (Amused.) Photographic business. Where were you
LARRY. (Laughs.) I can't believe these things actually happen. between those hours?
I thought ... if you turned up, you'd be a bit of a trout ... but LARRY. On the Net talking to you.
you're bloody gorgeous. ANNA. No.
ANNA. Thanks. LARRY. Well I was talking to someone.
(Beat.) ANNA. (Realizing.) Pretending to be me.
LARRY. You mentioned a hotel ... (Anna looks at him, trying to You were talking to Daniel Woolf.
worlr. out who he is.) LARRY. Who?
No rush. (Larry checks his watch.) ANNA. He's Alice's boyfriend. She told me yesterday that he
Actually, there is, I've got to be in surgery by three. plays around on the Net. It's .fum.
ANNA. Are you having an operation? LARRY. No, I was talking to a woman. II
.I
26 27
ANNA. How do you know? (Beat.)
1ARRY. Because ... believe me, she was a woman, I got a huge ... IARRY. So what are you doing here?
She was a woman. (Pause.)
ANNA. No, she wasn't. ANNA Looking at fish. (Anna looks away from him.)
1ARRY. She wasn't, was she. IARRY. (Gently.) Are you all right? (Anna nods.) You can tell
ANNA. No. me ...
1ARRY. What a CUNT. Sorry. ANNA. Because you're a doctor?
ANNA. I'm a grown-up, "Cunt Away." 1ARRY. Because I'm hell!. (Anna turns to him.) Crying is allowed.
1ARRY. Thanks. This ... "bloke" ... ANNA. I'm not allowed. Thanks, anyway.
ANNA. Daniel Woolf. l.ARRY. I'm famed for my bedside manner. (Anna raises her
1ARRY. How do you know him? camera, Larry cuvers his face.) Don't, I look like a criminal in photos.
ANNA. I don't know him really, I took his photo for a book he ANNA. Please, it's my .birthday.
wrote. 1ARRY. (Dropping his hands.) Really? (Anna takes his photo.)
1ARRY. I hope it sank without a trace. ANNA. Yes. (Rueful.) &ally. (They look at each other.)
ANNA. It's on its way. 1ARRY. Happy Birthday.
1ARRY. There is.justice in the world. What's. it called? ./·
BIA.CKOUf
ANNA. (Smiles.) The Aquarium.
1ARRY. What a PRICK. He's advertisjn~.
'Why? Why would he pretend to be you?
ANNA. He likes me.
1ARRY. Funny way of showing it, can't he send you flowers?
Scene5
(Larry produces a crumpled rose from his coat pocket. He hands it to
Anna.) Here.
ANNA. ... Thanks ... (Anna looks at the rose, then at Larry.)
Gallery.
Wonderful thing, the Internet.
1ARRY. Oh yes. Evening. June. (Frve months later.)
ANNA. The possibility of genuine global communication, the
last great democratic medium. Alice is looking at a huge photograph of herself. She has a bott/,e
1ARRY. Absolutely, it's the future. of lager. She wears a black dress.
ANNA. Two boys tossing in cyberspace.
1ARRY. He was the tosser. Dan has a glass of wine. A slightly shabby black suit. He looks at
I'll say this for him, he can write. (Larry looks at Anna.) Is he in Alice looking at the image.
love with you?
ANNA. I don't know. No.
1ARRY. Are you in love with him? DAN. Cheers. (She turns. They drink. Dan admires the photo.)
ANNA. I hardly know him, no. Yo~·r~.the
belle of the bullshit. You look beautiful.
1ARRY. But you're sort of ... interested? ALICE. I'm here. (Dan looks at Alice, smiles.) A man came into
ANNA. I think he's ... interesting. th~~e today and said,"~ waitress, what are you waiting for?"
::··~.,'·

,,,,I

28 29
DAN. Funny guy. tray. Larry is wearing a suit with a black cashmere sweater with a collar.
ALICE. I said, "I'm waiting for a man to come in here and fuck He has a bot(le of wine and a glass. Alice looks at him, curious.)
me sideways with a beautiful line like that." LARRY. Evening.
DAN. (Smiles.) What did he do? ALICE. Are you a waiter?
ALICE. He asked for a cup of tea with two sugars. (Alice looks at LARRY. No, I'm a refugee escaping from the glittering babble.
him.) I'm waiting for you. (Larry looks at the photo and then at his exhibition price list.)
DAN. To do what? And ... you are ... "Young Woman, London. " (Larry looks at Alice.)
(Beat.) Pricey. Do you like it?
ALICE. (Gently.) Leave me. ALICE. No.
DAN. (Concerned.) I'm not going to leave you. I totally love you.
LARRY. Well you should. What were you so sad about?
What is this? ALICE. Life.
ALICE. Please let me come ... (Dan turns away.) I want to be
there for you. Are you ashamed of me? ~Y. What's that then? (Alice smiks. Larry gestures to the photos.)
DAN. Of course not. I've told you, I want to be alone. What d 'you reckon, in general?
ALICE. You want to talk about art?
ALICE. Why?
DAN. To grieve ... to think. lARRY. I know it's vulgar to discuss "The Work" at an opening
ALICE. I love you, why won't you let me? of "The Work" but someone's got to do it. Serious, what d'you
DAN. It's only a weekend. think?
ALICE. Why won't you let me l,ove you? ALICE. It's a lie.
(Silence.) It's a bunch of sad strangers photographed beautifully and all
We've never spent a weekend in the country. the rich fuckers who appreciate art say it's beautiful because
DAN. Well ... we will. (Dan turns, drinks. He looks offstage and that's what they~ to see.
smiles at something he sees.) But the people in the photos are sad and alone but the pic-
Harry's here ... pissed as a newt. tures make the world seem beautiful.
He wants me to go back to "obits" ... says they miss me. So, the exhibition is reassuring, which makes it a lie, and
ALICE. Poor Harry, you know he's in love with you. everyone loves a Big Fat Lie.
DAN. No he's not. (Dan glances offstage again.) Is he? -
lARRY. I'm the Big Fat Liar's boyfriend.
ALICE. (Smiks.)fu. Do you want to go back? ALICE. Bastard.
DAN. We're very poor ... lARRY. Larry.
ALICE. What about your writing? (Dan shrugs.) ALICE. Alice.
DAN. Look ... I'm going to say hallo and good-bye to Anna and
(Beat. Alice moves in on him.)
then I'll get a cab to the station, OK? So ... you're Anna's boyfriend?
Buster? lARRY. A princess can kiss a frog.
I love you. (Dan kisses her farehead.)
ALICE. How long have you been seeing her?
ALICE. (Softly.) Kiss my lips ...
DAN. Sorry. (Dan kisses her on the lips.) I'll call you as soon as I lARRY. Four months. We're in "the first flush."
get there. (Dan exits as Larry enters. They almost collide. Larry regards It's Paradise. All my nasty habits amuse her ... (He gaz.es at
the departing Dan. Alice lights a cigarett.e, she uses her bottl,e as an ash- Alice.) You shouldn't smoke.

30 31
 ALICE. Fuck off. ~RIY. Yeah, in a little park near the hospital.
LARRY. I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to say things like UJCI. Postman's ParU
mesi (Alice now realizes where she's seen him before. She holds out her Pll\RRY, That's the one. (Alice takes a swig from his bottk.) And ...
DAN. of cigarettes.) ~ ..,.,
ALICE. ALICE. Want one? .ICE. A Mafia hit man broke my leg.
him.) I' IARRY. NQ. (Alice continues to offer the packet.) .RRY. ~f!fbelieving.) Really?
DAN. Yes. No. Fuck it, ~· NO. I've given up. {Larry watches JCE. ~olu,tely. .
(Beat.)
smoking.) .RRY. l)'oesn t look hke a break ...
ALICE. Pleasure and self-destruction, the perfect poison. (Alice g;.ICE. f.Vhat does i~ look lik~? . . .
DAN. I him a dirty smile.) ~. Like something went mto 1t. (Tmtative.) A knife, maybe ...
What isf JCE. When I was eight ... some me~ went into my leg when
ALICE.
therefo
. Anna told me your bloke wrote a book, any good?
ALICE Of 1 parents' car crashed ... when they died. Happy now?
LARRY.. I • course. b · I' d t b
DAN. 1
ALICE.
. tsaboutyou,1snt1ti
ALICE. Some of me.
· • · ;i JtRY.
....
r""uty.
Sorry,'-ks
(Al'
ICE I ice · wo
it was h')
none of my usmess. m suppose o e
· bat· im. d"
;i . ;> • • s 1t mce emg g0 o r
DAN. IARRY. Oh. What did he leave outi lRRY. I'm not good. (Larry looks at her, close.) What about you?
ALICE {Beat.) Mf'j gently strokes her face, she kts him.) I'm seeing my first private
DAN. ALICE. The truth. .tlent tomorrow. Tell me I'm not a sellout.
ALICE (&at.) JCE. You're not a sellout.
(Silence! LARRY. Is he here? Your bloke. UUtY. Thanks. You take care.
We' ALICE. Yeah, he's talking to your bird. (Larry glances offst JCE. I will, you too. (Alice exits. Larry watches her go. Larry exits
DAN. thinks, then returns to Alice.) Dan enter.s elsewhere. Dan carries a small suitcase. He checks his watch
smilesJ LARRY. So ... you were a stripper? id waits, neroously. Anna enter.s. Pause. They wok at each other.)
Ha ALICE. (Rirtatious.)Yeah ... m'! (Larry sees the scar on her le 'INA. I can't talk for long.
He LARRY. Mind if I ask how you got that? ~. Bit of a do, isn't it?
ALIC (Beat.) NNA. Yeah, I hate it.
DAN. ALICE. You've asked me this before. AN. But you're good at it. .
ALIC LARRY. Wh ;> So, he's a dermatologist. Can you get more bonng than that?
DAN. ALICE T
. en. NNA. . ;>
. d
wo an a half I . h 'tal v.
years ago. was m osp1 . xou 10<; • 'IU F . d Obituanst. . l
ALIC atmy 1eg. "'"' ai1e nove11st, p ease. k
DAN. NNA. I was sorry about your boo .
LARRY. How did you remember me? AN. Thanks, I blame the title.
ALICE. It was a memorable day.
You didn't really want to stop but you did, you were off.f;
crafty smoke. :
I-._·. .
NNA. (Smiles.) I blame the critics. You must write another one.
Why can't failure be attractive?
It's not a failure.
You gave me a cigarette. ( It's perceived to be, therefore it is. Pathetically, I needed
gett LARRY. Well, I don't smoke now and nor should you. \ ftlljl. A mil writer is ... above such concerns.
the ALICE. But you used to go and smoke. On the sly. .NNA. Romantic tosh.

32
33

LJ
 ,-- --

DAN. EVt'r had bad ~views? Well, shut up then.

ANNA. Your father died?
Talk to l>attor l.nrry about photography, do you?
11 he a fan of Man Ray or Karsh? DAN. It's fine, I hated him - no, I didn't- I don't care, I cam
He'll lam you. \ about THIS.
Come with me, spend a weekend with me, then decide.

I
ANNA. No he won't - he doesn't, actually. I
ANNA. I don't want to go to your father's funeral.
DAN. (Exasperated.) I cannot believe I made this hppen. There's nothing to ... ~­
What were you .dQing at the Aquarium? What about Alice?
(Joking.) Thinking of me?
DAN. She'll ~-
ANNA. No. How's Alice?
I can't be her father anymore.
DAN. She's fine. Do you love him? Anna, you want to believe he's ... "the one" ... it's not rea~
ANNA. Yes, very much. you're scared of Jfill.
(Beat.)
ANNA. There is no "this." I LQY.e. him.
DAN. (Alarmed.) You're not going to marry him? DAN. Wh,)'?
ANNA. I might. ANNA. Any number of reasons.
DAN. Don't. Marry me. Children, everything. DAN. Name one.
You don't want .Im children - three little stooges in white ANNA. He's kind.
coats. DAN. (Ferocious.) Don't give me "kind." "Kind" is dul~ "kind"
Don't marry him, marry me. will kill you. Alice is "kind, " even I'm "kind," anyone ran be
Grow old with me ... die with me ... wear a battered cardigan fucking KIND.
on the beach in Bournemouth. (Gently.) I cannot live without you.
Marcy mt. ANNA. You can ... you do.
ANNA. (Smiles.) I don't know you. (Beat.)
DAN. Yes you dQ. DAN. This is not me; I don't do this.
I couldn't feel what I feel for you unless you felt it too. All the language is old, there are no new words ... I kJve you.
(Beat.)
Anna, we'ni in love - it's not our fault, stop wasting his time.
ANNA. I haven't seen you for a yar. ANNA. No, you don't.
DAN. Yes you hav~. DAN. Yes ... I do. I need you.
I can't think, I can't work, I can't breathe.
ANNA. Only because you stalked me outside my studio. We are going to fil£.
DAN. I didn't mik ... I ... lurltfid.
Please ... save me.
And when I wasn't there you looked for me. Look at me. (Anna looks at Dan.)
ANNA. How do you know, if you weren't there1 Tell me you're not in love with me.
DAN. Because I ~ there ... lurking from a distance. (Beat.)
(I love your work by the way, it's tragic.) ANNA. I'm not in love with you.
ANNA. (Sarcastic.) Thanks. (Dan gestum to his suitcase.) (Pause.)
DAN. I know this isn't "appropriate," I'm going to my father's DAN. You just lied.
funeral - come with me. See me next week. Pl.ease, Anna ... I'm begging you ...
I'm your stranger ... j:u,m/J.

34
35
 (Silmc1. '77N, '"' '""Y c/.os,, Larry has entered, he is looking at them.
Dan Ufl !aim ar11/ pJ· to exit.) ANNA You seem more like "the cat who got the cream." You
ANNA. Your rnsc. (Dan returns, picks up his suitcase and exits.) can stop licking yourself, you know.
(Paw1.) (Pause. Anna turns to Larry, slowly.)
LARRY. Hallo ... Stranger. I.ARRY. (Coolly.) That's the nastiest thing you've ever said to me.
ANNA. Hallo. ANNA God, I'm sorry. It was a horrible thing to say. It's just ...
LARRY. Intense conversation? my family's here and friends ...
(Beat.) I have no excuse. I'm sorry.
(Pause.)
ANNA. His father's died. Were you sfr.ying?
lARRY. Forget it. I know what you mean. I'll stop pawing you.
LARRY. Lovingly observing - (with a telescope). (Larry kisses (Anna kisses him.) I met your dad ...
Anna.) He's taller than his photo.
ANNA. The photo's a head shot. ANNA. I know. He actually said, "I like him." He's never said
that before ... about anyone. They all adored you; my stepmother
LARRY. Yeah, I know, but his head implied a short body ... but thinks you're gorgeous,
in fact, his head is ... deceptive.
ANNA. Deceptive? "Lovely hands," she said, "you can imagine him doing his
stitching, very sensitively."
LARRY. Yes, because he's actually got a long body. He's a I.ARRY. So they didn't think I was "beneath you"?
stringy fucker. (Anna laughs.) I could 'ave 'im.
ANNA. lt?iat? ANNA. No. You're not ... you're you and you're wonderful.
(Larry holds her.)
LARRY. If it came to it, in a scrap, I could 'ave 'im. (Anna I.ARRY. Did you like my folks? They loved you.
smiles.) Did you tell him we call him "Cupid"?
ANNA. Your mother's got such a ... kind face. (They look at each
ANNA. No, that's our joke. (Anna tugs his sweater, pulling him other.)
towards her.)
LARRY. I've never worn cashmere before. Thank you. I'm Cin- BLACKOUT
derella at the ball.
ANNA. (Charmed.) You're such a peasant.
LARRY. You love it. (Larry holds her.)
I had a chat with young Alice.
ANNA. Fancy her? I'
LARRY. 'Course. Not as much as you.
ANNA. Why?
LARRY. You're a woman ... she's a girl.
She has the moronic beauty of youth but she's got ... side.
ANNA. She seems very open to me.
LARRY. That's how she wants to seem. You forget you're
dealing with a clinical observer of the human carnival.
ANNA. Am I now?
LARRY. Oh yes.

36
37
 llil
Scene 6 I missed you.
Jesus, I'm knackered.
ANNA. Didn't you sleep on the plane?
Domestic interiors. IARRY. No, because the permed German sleeping next to me
was snoring like a Messerschmitt. (Larry remO'IJes his jacket, Anna
l,t 1 ''"~ 1'''·" '' ~.1'Ns\
1
Midnight. June. (A year later.) takesit.)What'sthetime?
ANNA. Midnight.
Anna sitting on a chaise lon[fUC. I.ARRY. Seven.
Time - what a tricky little fucker.
Alice askep, curkd up on a small sofa. She is wearing striped py- My head's in two places, my brain actually hurts.
jamas. A half-eaten nd appk beside her. ANNA. Do you want some food?
I.ARRY. Nahh, I ate my "Scooby Snacks" on the plane. I need a
They are in separate rooms. bath.
ANNA. Shall I run you one? .
Dan enters. He carries the brown briefcase seen in Scene 1. He I.ARRY. No, I'll just have a shower. (Larry untucks his shirt and
looks at Alice. After a whik she wakes. kicks off his shoes.)You OK?
ANNA. Mmhmm.
(Beat. They look at each other.)
ALICE. Where've you been? How was the ... thing?
What? I.ARRY. As Dermatological Conferences go, it was a riot. (Larry
DAN. Work. I had a drink with Harry. You never have one drink takes a bottk of Scotch from his bag of dutyfree and swigs it.)
with Harry. ANNA. How was the hotel?
ALICE. Did you eat? I made sandwiches - no crusts. IARRY. Someone told me that the beautiful people of "The
DAN. I'm not hungry. Paramount Hotel, " the concierge and the bell boys and girls -
(Pause.) did you know this? They're all whons.
ALICE. What? ANNA. Everyone knows that.
(Beat.) I.ARRY. I didn't. Want some? (Larry offers the bottk, Anna takes
DAN. This will hurt. a swig.)
I've been with Anna. I love New York. What a town: it's a twenty-four-hour pageant
I'm in love with her. We've been seeing each other for a year. called, "Whatever You Want." They cekbrate the sellout, it's a
(Siknce. Alice gets up and slowly exits. On the other side of the stage Mardi Gras of degradation.
Larry enters. He has a suitcase, bags, duty-free carrier.) J:htm, you arrive back at Heathrow and the first thing you see
IARRY. (To Anna.) Don't move. is this ... carpet.
I want to remember this moment forever; the first time I This Unbelievable ~-
walked through the door, returning from a business trip, to be What the fuck colour is the carpet at Heathrow Airport?
greeted by my wife. They must've layed it to reassure foreigners we're not a
I have, in this moment, become an adult (Larry kisses Anna.) serious country.
Thanks for waiting up, you darling. You goddess. God I stink.

38 39
 ANNA. Are you all right?
LARRY. Yeah. I don't suppose you fancy a friendly poke? DAN. Yes.
(&at.) (Beat.)
ANNA. I've just had a bath. ALICE. Didn't she get marmdP
DAN. She stopped seeing me.
LARRY. I 'II see to myself then, in the Elk Decoration bathroom.
ANNA. You chose that bathroom. (Beat.)
ALICE. Is that when we went to the country? To celebrate our
LARRY. Yeah and every time I wash in it I feel dirty. It's ckaner
third anniversary?
than I am. It's got attitude. The mirror says, "Who the fuck are
you?" DAN. Yes.
ALICE. At least have the guts to look at me. (Dan woks at her.)
ANNA. You chose it.
Did you phone her? To beg her to come back? When you
LARRY. Doesn't mean I like it. We shouldn't have ... this. (Larry went for your "long, wnely walks"?
gestures vaguely about the room.)
DAN. Yes.
ANNA. Are you experiencing bourgeois guilt? ALICE. You're a piece of shit.
(Beat.)
DAN. Deception is brutal, I'm not pretending otherwise.
LARRY. (Sharp.) Working-class guilt. (Larry woks at Anna.) ALICE. How... ? How does it work? How can you do this to
Why are you dressed? If you've just had a bath. someone?
(Beat.)
(Siknce.)
ANNA. We needed some milk. DAN. I don't know.
LARRY. Right. (Larry goes to exit, stops.) ALICE. Not good enough, I'm going. (Dan prevents her from
You OK? kaving.)
ANNA. Uh-huh. You? DAN. It's late, it's not safe out there.
LARRY. Yeah ... (Larry exits. Alice enters. She is wearing the black ALICE. And it's safe in here?
coat from Scene 1, also her rucksack from the same scene.) DAN. What about your things?
ALICE. I'm going. ALICE. I don't need "things."
DAN. I'm sorry. DAN. Where will you go?
ALICE. Irrelevant. What are you sorry for? ALICE. I'll disappear. (Larry enters having had his shower. He is
(Beat.) wearing a dressing gown. He hands Anna a shoe box.)
DAN. Everything. LARRY. "The Sultan" has returned bearing gifts. (Anna opens
ALICE. Why didn't you tell me before? the box and takes out the shoes. Dan moves towards Alice.)
(Beat.) ALICE. DON'T COME NEAR ME.
DAN. Cowardice. ANNA. (To Larry.) They're beautiful. Thank you. (Larry kisses
ALICE. Is it because she's clever? Anna.)
DAN. No, it's because ... she doesn't need me. LARRY. Hey, guess what, Alice was at the Paramount Hotel.
(Pause.) ANNA. What?
ALICE. Do you bring her here? LARRY. They sell arty postcards in the lobby, I bought one to
DAN. Yes. boost your sales. (Larry takes a postcard from his dressing gown pocket
ALICE. She sits here? and reqds the back.)
"Young Woman, London." (Larry hands the postcard to Anna.)

40
41
 And ... I checked for your book in The Museum of Modern Larry enters. He is wearing trousers and the black cashmere seen in
Art. It's J/JaJ. Someone bloody bought one! This student with a Scene 5.)
ridiculous little beard, he was drooling over your photo on the ANNA. Why are you dressed?
LARRY. Because I think you might be about to leave me and I
inside cover - fancied you, the Geek. I was so proud of you -
didn't want to be wearing a dressing gown.
"You've Broken New Yerk."
I slept with someone in New York.
ANNA. You're wonderful.
A whore.
LARRY. Don't ever forget it. (Larry exits.)
I'm sorry.
ALICE. Change your mind.
Please don't leave me.
Please, change your mind.
(Beat.)
Can I still see you?
ANNA. Why?
Dan ... can I still see you? ·I - LARRY. For sex. I wanted sex. (I wore a condom.)
Answer me. i
(Beat.)
DAN. I can't see you. If I see you I'll never leave you. ANNA. Was it ... good? (Larry huffs and puffs.)
(Beat.) LARRY.... Yes .. .
ALICE. What will you do if I find someone else? ANNA. "Paramount" whore?
DAN. Be jealous. LARRY. No ... Forty ... something street.
(Beat.) ANNA. Where did you go?
ALICE. Do you still fancy me? LARRY. Her place.
DAN. Of course. (Alice shakes her head.) ANNA. Nice?
ALICE. You'relying. I've been "you." (Alice starts to cry.) LARRY. Not as nice as ours. I'm really sorry.
Hold me? (Dan holds her.) I amuse you but I bore you. (Pause.)
DAN. No. No. ANNA. Why did you tell me?
ALICE. You did love me? LARRY. I couldn't lie to you.
DAN. rll always love you. You changed my life. I hate hurting ANNA. Why not?
you. LARRY. Because I love you.
ALICE. So why are you? (Pause.)
DAN. Because ... I'm selfish and I think I'll be happier with her. ANNA. It's fine.
ALICE. You won't, you'll miss me. No one will ever love you a'> LARRY. Really? Why? (Anna looks at her shoes.)
much as I do. ANNA. Guilt present?
DAN. I know. LARRY. Love present. Something's wrong ...
(Pause.) Anna ... (Anna turns to him.)
ALICE. Why isn't love enough? Are you leaving me? (Anna nods.)
I'm the one who leaves. Why?
I'm supposed to leave you. ANNA. Dan.
I'm the one who leaves. (Alice kisses Dan. He responds. She breaks.) (Beat.)
Make some tea ... Buster. (Dan exits. Alice and Anna an! alone. LARRY. "Cupid"? He's our joke.

42 43
 I
ANNA. I love him. ANNA. Yes.
(Pause.) LARRY. Better than me?
LARRY. You 're seeing him now ... ANNA. Different.
ANNA. Yes. LARRY. Jk!W:?
LARRY. Since when? ANNA. Gentler.
ANNA. Since my opening, last year. I'm disgusting. LARRY. What does that mean?
(Beat.) ANNA. You know what it means.
LARRY. You're phenomenal ... you're so ... clever. LARRY. Tell me.
Why did you marry me? ANNA. No.
ANNA. I stopped seeing him, I wanted us to work. LARRY. I treat you like a whore?
LARRY. (Tough.) Why did you tell me you wanted children? ANNA. Sometimes.
ANNA. Because I did. LARRY. Why would that be?
LARRY. And now you want children with him? (Sil.ence.)
ANNA. Yes - I don't know- I'm so sorry. ANNA. I'm sorry, you're -
LARRY. Don't saY it. don't fucking say, "You're too good for
(Pause.)
LARRY. ~?
(Beat.)
ANNA. I need him.
(Siknce.)
I
'.JI,
me." I am -but don't say iL
(Larry kneels to her. Gently.) Anna, you're making the mistake of
your life.
You're leaving me because you think you don't deserve hap-
LARRY. But ... we're happy ... aren't we? piness, but you do Anna, you do ... (Larry looks at her).
ANNA. Yes. Did you have a bath because you had sex with him? (Anna
(Beat.) looks at him. He moves away from her.)
LARRY. Are you g~ing to live with him? ~ \ So you didn't smell of him? So you'd feel less guilty?
ANNA. Yes. You stay here, if you want to. And how do you fHJ?
LARRY. I don't give a FUCK about "the spoils." (Alice exits with ANNA. Guilty.
her rucksack.) You did this the day we lllf..t; let me hang myself for (Beat.)
your amusement. LARRY. Did you ever love me? Jr
Why didn't you tell me the second I walked in the door? ANNA ,l'Q.
ANNA. I was scared. LARRY. Big fucking deal.
LARRY. Because you're a coward. You spoilt Jzildl, (Dan enters (Silence. Larry lmaks down.)
with two cups of tea, he sees Alice has gone. He exits after her.)
Anna ... please, don't leave me ... please. (Anna holds Larry. On
the other side of the st~ Dan -reenters and sits on the sofa.)
Are you dressed because you thought I might hit you? (Larry
moves towards Anna, slowly. Close.) What do you think I am? Did you do it here?
ANNA. I've been hit before. ANNA No.
LARRY. Why not? (Larry lmaksfrom her. Hard.)Just tell me the
LARRY. Not by me. (Larry stands over Anna.) Is he a good fuck?
ANNA. Don't do this. truth.
LARRY. Just answer the question. Is he good? (Beat.)
(Beat.) ANNA Yes, we did it here.

45
44
lARRY. Where? ANNA. I love it.
(Beat.) lARRY. You like him coming in your face?
ANNA. Here. ANNA. .fu.
lARRY. On this? (He gestures to the chaise longue.) lARRY. What does it taste like?
We had our first fuck on this. ANNA. It tastes like you but sweeter.
Think of me? LARRY. THAT's the spirit. Thank yoy. Thank you for your
When?
~·
Wben did you do it here? Now fuck off and die. You fucked-up slag.
ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.
(Beat.) BIACKOUT
ANNA. (Scared.) This evening.
(Pause.)
lARRY. Did you come?
ANNA. Why are you doing this?
lARRY. Because I want to know.
(Beat.)
ANNA. (Softly.) Yes ... I came.
lARRY. How many times?
ANNA. Twice.
lARRY. How?
ANNA. First he went down on me and then we fucked.
(Beat.)
LARRY. Who was where?
ANNA. (Tough.) I was on top and then he fucked me from
behind.
LARRY. And that's when you came the second time?
ANNA. WJzy is the sex so important 1
LARRY. BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING CAVEMAN.
Did you touch yourself while he fucked you?
ANNA. Yes.
LARRY. You wank for him?
ANNA. Sometimes.
LARRY. And he does?
ANNA. We do everything that people who have sex do.
IARRY. You enjoy sucking him off?
ANNA. Y~.
lARRY. You like his cock?

46 47
 "

ALICE. No but if you want to tip me it's your choice. (He takes
out a twenty. She presents her kg. He puts the money in her garter.)
Thank you.
ACT1WO LARRY. I went to a place like this in New York. This is swish.
Pornography has gone upmarket - BULLY FOR ENGLAND.
This is honest progress, don't you think?
ALICE. England always imports the best of America.
Scene 7 LARRY. I used to come here twenty years ago ... it was a punk
club ... the stage was ... (Larry can't remember, he gives up.)
Everything is a Version of Something Else. (Larry takes a slug of
his drink.) ·
Lapdance Club. Twenty years ago, how old were you?
ALICE. Four.
Late night. September. (Th11!1! months later.) LARRY. Christ, when I was in flares you were in nappies.
ALICE. My nappies were flared. (Larry laughs.)
Larry is sitting. He is wearing a smart suit. LARRY. You have the face of an angel.
ALICE. Thank you.
Alice is standing. She is wearing a short dress, wig and high LARRY. What does your cunt taste like?
heels. She has a garter round her thigh, there is cash in the garter. ALICE. Heaven.
(Beat.)
They are in a private room. Music in the distance. LARRY. How long you been doing this?
ALICE. Three months.
Larry gar.es at her. She smiles. She is nice to him. LARRY. Straight after he left you?
ALICE. No one left me.
Silence. (Beat. Larry glances round the room.)
LARRY. Been here already tonight?
ALICE. Yes.
LARRY. I love you. lARRY. With who?
(Pause.) ALICE. A couple. A man and a woman.
ALICE. Thank you. LARRY. What did you do?
-(Beat.) ALICE. I stripped, I danced, I bent over.
LARRY. What's this room called? LARRY. You gave this coupk a thrill?
ALICE. "The Paradise Suite." ALICE. I think so.
IARRY. How many Paradise Suites are there? LARRY. What d'you talk about?
ALICE. Six. ALICE. . This and that.
(Beat.) LARRY. D'you tell the truth?
LARRY. Do I have to pay you to talk to me? ALICE. Yes and no.

48 49
 IARRY. Are you telling me the truth? ALICE. They would ask you to leave and ask you not to come
ALICE. Yes. back.
IARRY. And no? lARRY. And if I refused to leave?
ALICE. I'm telling you the truth. ALICE. They would remove you. This is a two-way mirror. (She
IARRY. Why? nods in the direction of the audience.) There are cameras in the
ALICE. Because it's what you want. ceiling.
IARRY. fu. Its what I 1l!fm1. (Larry stares at her.) Nice wig. (Beat. Larry glances up and to the audience.)
ALICE. Thank you. lARRY. I think it's best that I don't attempt to touch you. (He
IARRY. Does it turn you on? looks at her).
ALICE. Sometimes. I'd like to touch you .. . later.
IARRY. Liar. You're telling me it turns you on because you ALICE. I'm not a whore.
think that's what I want to ~. You think I'm turned on by it lARRY. I wouldn't pay. (He gazes at her.)
turning you on. Why the fuck did he leave you?
ALICE. The thought of me creaming myself when I strip for (Beat.)
strangers doesn't turn you on? ALICE. What's your job?
LARRY. Put like that ... yes. (She shows him her behind.) Are you LARRY. A question, you've asked me a question.
flirting with me? ALICE. So?
ALICE. Maybe. lARRY. It's a chink in your armour.
LARRY. Are you allowed to flirt with me? ALICE. I'm not wearing armour.
ALICE. Sure. lARRY. Yes you are.
LARRY. lleally? I'm in the skin trade.
ALICE. No I'm not, I'm breaking all the rules. ALICE. You own Strip Clubs?
LARRY. You're mocking me. (She sits opposite him.) lARRY. (Smiles.) Do I look like the sort of man who owns strip
ALICE. Yes, I'm allowed to flirt. clubs?
LARRY. To prise my money from me. ALICE. Yes. (Larry looks in the mirror/audience.)
ALICE. To prise your money from you I can say or do as I lARRY. Define that look.
please. ALICE. Rich.
LARRY. Except touch. LARRY. Close your legs. I don't own Strip Clubs.
ALICE. We are not allowed to touch. ALICE. Do you own Golf Clubs?
LARRY. Is that a good rule do you think? LARRY. You know what I do. (Larry stands.)
·ALICE. Sometimes. Why are you calling yourself~?
(Beat.) ALICE. Because it's my name.
LARRY. Open your legs. (She does so.) LARRY. But we both know it isn't.
Wider. (She does so. Pause. Larry looks between her kgs.) You're all protecting your identities. The girl in there who
What would happen if I touched you now? calls herself "Venus." What's her real name?
ALICE. I would call Security. ALICE. Pluto.
LARRY. And what would they do? LARRY. You're cheeky.

50 51
ALICE. Would you like me to stop being cheeky? so you don't feel ashamed when you show your~ and ms::
LARRY. No. ~ to Complete Fucking Strangers.
(&at.) I'm trying to have a conversation here.
ALICE. What's your name? (Larry considers.) ALICE. You're out of cash, Buster.
LARRY. Daniel. l.ARRY. I've paid for the room.
(Beat.) ALICE. This is extra.
ALICE. Daniel the Dermatologist. (Pause.)
LARRY. I never told you my job. LARRY. We met last year.
ALICE. I guessed. (Larry looks at her.) ALICE. Wrong girl.
LARRY. (Close.) You're strong. IARRY. I touched your face at Anna's ... opening.
There's another one in there (judging by the scars, a recent I know you're in grief. I know you're ... "destroyed."
patient of "Doctor Tit") she calls herself "Cupid." Who's going to TALK TO ME.
tell her Cupid was a bloke? ALICE. I am.
ALICE. He wasn't a bloke, he was a little boy. IARRY. Talk to me in real life.
(Pause.) I didn't know you'd be here.
LARRY. I'd like you to tell me your name. Please. (He gives her I know who you are.
£20.) I love your scar, I love everything about you that hurts.
ALICE. Thank you. My name is Jane. (Silence. Larry slowly breaks down.)
LARRY. Your real name. (He gives her £20.) She won't even see me ...
ALICE. Thank you. My real name is Jane. You feel the same, I know you feel the same.
LARRY. Careful. (He gives her £20.) ALICE. You can't cry here.
ALICE. Thank you. It's still Jane. LARRY. Hold me, let me hold you. (Larry approaches her.)
LARRY. I've got another five hundred quid here. (Larry takes ALICE. We're not allowed to touch.
out the money.) (Pause.)
Why don't I give you -All - nil - ~ - and you tell LARRY. Come home with me, Alice. It's safe. Let me look after
me what your Real Name is, (Larry raises her face towards his with you.
the wad of notes.) Alice. (She tries to take the money. Larry withdraws it.) ALICE. I don't need looking after.
ALICE. I promise. (Larry gives her the money.) Thank you. My LARRY. Everyone needs looking after.
real name is Plain - Jane - Jones. ALICE. I'm not your revenge fuck.
LARRY. I may be rich but I'm not stupid. (Pause.)
ALICE. What a shame "Doc," I love 'em rich and stupid. LARRY. I'll pay you.
LARRY. DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH ME. ALICE. I don't need your money.
ALICE. I apologise. LARRY. You have my money.
LARRY. Accepted. All the girls in this hellhole; the pneumatic ALICE. Thank you.
robots, the coked-up baby dolls - and you're no different - LARRY. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Is that some kind of
you all use "stage names" to con yourselves you're someone else lllk?

52 53
 ALICE. I'm just being polite. lARRY. ~ ... you think you haven't given us anything of
(Pause. Larry sits down.) yourselves.
LARRY. Get a lot of men in here, crying their guts out? You think because you don't love us or desire us or even like.
ALICE. Occupational hazard. us you think you've lllDll·
(&at.) ALICE. It's not a war. (Larry laughs for some time.)
lARRY. Have you ever desired a customer? lARRY. But you !lQ give us something of yourselves:
ALICE. Yes. You give us ... imagery ... and we do with it what we will.
IARRY. Put me out of my misery, do you ... desire me? Because If you women could see one minute of our Home Movies -
I'm being pretty fucking honest about my feelings for you. the shit that slops through our minds every day - you'd string
ALICE. Your 1eelings"? us up by our balls, you really would.
IARRY. Whatever. You don't understand the territory.
(Beat.) Because you are the territory.
ALICE. No. I don't desire you. I could tell you to strip right now ...
(Pause.) ALICE. Yes. Do you want me to?
IARRY. Thank you. Thank you sincerely for your honesty. lARRY. No.
Next question: Do you think it's possible you could perceive Alice ... tell me something .trJJ&.
me as something other than a sad slot machine spewing out ALICE. Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking
money? her clothes off.
ALICE. That's the transaction; you're the customer, I'm the But it's better if you do.
service. lARRY. You're cold. You're all cold at heart. (Larry stares into
LARRY. Hey, we're in a Strip Club let's not debate sexual the two-way mirror.)
politics. WHAT D'YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET A BIT OF INTIMACY
ALICE. Debate? AROUND HERE?
IARRY. You're asking for a smack, gorgeous. ALICE. Well, maybe next time I'll have worked on my intimacy.
ALICE. No I'm not. lARRY. No. I'll tell you what's going to work. What's going to
(Beat.) 1illlli is that you're going to take your clothes off right now and
IARRY. But yoll are gorgeous. you're going to turn around very slowly and bend over and touch
ALICE. "Thank you." the fucking floor for my viewing pleasure.
(Pause. Larry stands, straightens his ti.e, lights a cigarette.) ALICE. That's what you want?
IARRY. Will you lend me my cab fare? (Beat.)
ALICE. (Laughing.) No. lARRY. What else could I want? (Alice looks straight at him and
IARRY. I'll give it back to you tomorrow ... begins to undress, slowly.)
ALICE. Company policy, you give us the money.
IARRY. And what do we get in return? BLACKOUT
ALICE. We're nice to you.
IARRY. "And We Get To See You Naked."
ALICE. It's beautiful.

54 55
 Scene8 DAN. How's his dmnatologyP
ANNA. He is now in Private practice.
DAN. How does he square that with his politics?
Restaurant. ANNA. He's not much concerned with politics at present.
(Beat.)
Evening/lunchtime. October. (A month later.) DAN. Was he weeping all over the place?
ANNA. Some of the time.
Dan is sittirrg at a tahk with a drink. He is smoking. He wafts. DAN. (Genuine.) Poor bastard.
Anna joins him. Was he ... "difficult"... ?
ANNA. Are you angry I saw him?
DAN. No, no, it's just ... I haven't seen Alice.
ANNA. Sorry, I'm really sorry. (Dan kisses her.) ANNA. You QillJ see Alice, you don't know where she is.
DAN. What happened? DAN. I haven't tried to find her.
ANNA. Traffic. (Anna sits.) ANNA. He's been begging me to see him for months, you know
DAN. You're flushed, you didn't need to run. (Anna smiks.) why I saw him, I saw him so he'd ... .Hgn.
ANNA. Have you ordered? DAN. So has he signed?
DAN. I ordered a men:u about ten years ago. ANNA. Yt>s.
(Pause. Dan woks at her.) DAN. Congratulations. You are now a divorcee - double
So ... how was it? divorcee. Sorry. (Dan takes her hand.) How do you feel?
ANNA. Oh ... fine. ANNA. Tired. (Dan kisses her hand, Anna kisses his.)
(Beat.) DAN. I lov_e you. And ... I need a piss. (Dan exits. Anna reaches
DAN. You had lunch? into her bag and pulls out the divorce papers. Larry enters.)
ANNA. Mm-hmm. IARRY. (Sitting.) Afternoon.
(Beat.) ANNA. Hi. (Larry woks around.)
DAN. Where? IARRY. I hate this place.
(Beat.) ANNA. At least it's central.
ANNA. Here, actually. IARRY. I hate central. The centre of London's a theme park.
DAN. H~'t I hate "Retro" and I hate the future. Where does that leave
ANNA. He chose it. me? (He looks at her.)
DAN. Then what? Come back.
ANNA. Then we left. ANNA. You promised you wouldn't.
· (Pause.) IARRY. Come ba,ck.
DAN. And'! (Beat.)
ANNA. There is no "and." ANNA. How's work?
DAN. You haven't seen him for four months, there must be an lARRY. Oh Jesus. Work's shit, OK.
"and." (Anna shrugs.) (He looks around for a waiter. Loud.) Do they h.ID!!! waiters here?
How is he? ANNA. They're all busy.
ANNA. Terrible. IARRY. I love you. Please come back.

56 57
 ANNA. I'm not coming back. (Anna spreads the divorce papers on ANNA. Dan, I did what he wanted and now he will leave us
the table. Larry stares at them.) Sign this, please. ~-
LARRY; No pen. (Anna hands him her pen.) I love you, I didn't give him anything.
ANNA. Pen. (Larry takes her hand.) Give me back my hand ... DAN. Your body? (Dan reaches for his cigarett.es.)
(Larry lets go.) Sign. ANNA. If Alice came to you ... desperate ... with all that love still
(Beat.) between you and she said she needed you to want her so that she
LARRY. I'll sign it on one condition: we skip lunch, we go to could get over you, you would do it.
my sleek, little surgery and we christen the patients' bed with I wouldn't like it either but I would forgive you because it's ...
our final fuck. I know you don't want to, I know you think I'm a mercy fuck - a sympathy fuck. Moral rape, everyone does it.
sick for asking - but that's what I'm asking - "For Old Time's It's ... kindness.
Sake," because I'm obsessed with you, because I can't get over DAN. No, it's cowardice.
you unless you ... because I think on some small level you owe You don't have the guts to let him hate you.
me something, for deceiving me so ... exquisite[,. Did you enjoy it?
For all these reasons I'm begging you to give me your body. ANNA. No.
DAN. So you hated every second of it? (Anna looks at Dan.)
Be my whore and in return I will pay you with your liberty.
Did you come?
If you do this I swear I wilLnot contact you again -you know
I'm a man of my word. ANNA. No.
DAN. Did you fake it?
I will divorce you and, in time, consider the possibility of a
ANNA. Yes.
friendship. (Larry stands.)
DAN. Why?
I'm going to the bar. I assume you still drink vodka tonic? ANNA. To make him think I eajoyed it, why do you think?
(Anna nods. Larry exits. Dan returns and sits.) DAN. If you were just his .tlag why did you give him the plea-
DAN. Any sign of a waiter? sure of thinking you'd enjoyed it?
ANNA. No. ANNA. I don't know, I just did.
DAN. Do you want some food? DAN. You fake it with me?
ANNA. I'm not hungry. (Dan stares at her, Anna turns to him, ANNA. Yes, yes I do. I fake one in three, all right?
slowly.) DAN. Tell me the truth.
DAN. You slept with him, didn't you? (Pause.)
(Pause.) ANNA. Occasionally ... I have faked it.
ANNA. Yes. I'm ... "sorry" ... (Dan smiles.) It's not important, you don't make me come. I~ ... you're
, DAN. What do you expect me to do? ... "in the area" ... providing valiant assistance.
ANNA. Understand ... hopefully? DAN. You make me come.
(Beat.) ANNA. You're a man, you'd come if the tooth fairy winked at
DAN. Why didn't you lie to me? you.
ANNA. We said we'd always tell each other the truth. (Beat.)
DAN. What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change DAN. You're late because you've come straight here from
- it's the currency of the world. being with him.
(Beat.)

58 59
ANNA. Yes. ANNA. You wanted excitement. love bores you.
DAN. Where was it? DAN. No ... it disappoints me.
ANNA. His new surgery. I think you enjoyed it; he wheedles you into bed, the old
(Beat.) jokes, the strange familiarity, I think you had •a whale of a time"
DAN. Long session. (Anna tries to touch him, he pulls away from and the truth is, I'll never know unless I ask ./Jim.
her.) ANNA Well why don't you? (Larry mums to the tohk with two
ANNA. Dan, please be bigger than ... jealous. Please, be bigger. drinks. Vodka tonic for Anna, Scotch and dry for himself.)
DAN. What could be bigger than jealousy? lARRY. Vodka tonic for the lady.
(Long silence.) ANNA. (To Larry.) Drink your drink and then we'll go. (Larry
ANNA. When we're making love, why don't you kiss me? looks at her. To Larry.) I'm doing this because I feel guilty and
Why don't you like it when I say I love you? because I pity you. You know that. don't you?
I'm on your side. Talk to me. LARRY. Yes.
DAN. It hurts. I'm ashamed. I know it's illogical and I do ANNA (To Larry.) Feel good about yourself?
understand but I hate you. lARRY. No. (Larry drinks.)
I love you and I don't like other men fucking you, is that so DAN. (To Anna.) I'm sorry ...
weird? · ANNA (To Dan.) I didn't do it to hurt you. It's not all about you.
ANNA. No. YES. It was only ~. DAN. (To Anna.) I know.
DAN. (Hard.) If you can still fuck him you haven't left him. Let's go home ... (Dan and Anna kiss.)
(Softly.) It's gone ... we're not innocent anymore. I'll get us a cab. (Dan exits. Larry sits.)
ANNA. Don't stop loving me ... I can see it draining out of you. lARRY. Wiil you tell him?
I'm sorry, it was a stupid thing to do. It meant nothing. ANNA I don't know.
If you love me enough you'll forgive me. lARRY. (Hdpfal.) Better to be truthful about this sort of thing ...
DAN. Are you testing me? ANNA Sign.
ANNA. No. Dan, I do understand. (Beat.)
DAN. (Gently.) No ... he understands. (He looks at her.) lARRY. I forgive you.
All I can see is him all over you. ANNA Sign. (Larry signs.)
He's clever, your ex-husband ... I almost admire him.
(Silence.) BIACKOUT
ANNA. Where are you?
Alice?
DAN. (Smiles.) I was reading the paper once. She wanted some
attention. Sht: crouched down.on the carpet and pissed right in
front of me.
Isn't that the most charming thing you've ever heard?
ANNA. (Tough.) Why did you swear eternal love when all you
wanted was a fuck?
DAN. I didn'tjust want a fuck, I wanted ):llll.

60 61
 Scene 9 camera and a large brown envelope. She is wearing the shoes Larry gave
her in Scene 6. She sees Larry. Stops. Larry looks up, sees her.)
ANNA. What are you doing here?
Museum. l.ARRY. I'm ... lazing on a Sunday afternoon. You?
ANNA. I'm meeting Alice.
Afternoon. Novemher. (A month later.) (Beat.)
l.ARRY. Who?
A glass cabinet containing a life-size model of a Victorian child. ANNA. Dan's Alice - Dan's .ex-Alice. She phoned me at the
A girl, dressed in rags. Behind her a model of a London street studio this morning ... she wants her negatives ...
circa 1880s. l.ARRY. ... Right ...
(Beat.)
Alice is alone. She is wearing a cashmere sweater. She is looking ANNA. You don't go to museums.
at the exhibit. She is holding a small package. l.ARRY. The evidence would suggest otherwise.
(Beat.)
Larry enters. He watches her. ANNA. (Suspicious.) Are you OK?
lARRY. Yeah,you?
ANNA. Fine. It's your birthday today.
l.ARRY. ''Young Woman, London." (Alice turns.) Hallo, gorgeous. lARRY. I know.
ALICE. You're late, you old fart. (Beat.)
LARRY. Sorry. (They kiss, warmly.) You minx. (Larry tugs the ANNA. I thought of you this morning.
sweater.) lARRY. Lucky me.
ALICE. "The sacred sweater," I'll give it back. (Beat.)
l.ARRY. It suits you. Keep it. ANNA. Happy Birthday.
ALICE. Thank you. (Alice hands him the package.) Happy lARRY. Thank you. (Anna nods to the package.)
Birthday. ANNA. Present?
l.ARRY. Thank you. lARRY. (Evasive.) ... Yeah ...
I'm late because I walked through Postman's Park to get here ... ANNA. What is it?
and I had a little look ... at the memorial. lARRY. A Newton's Cradle.
ALICE. Oh. ANNA. Who from?
l.ARRY. Yeah ... oh. (Larry looks at the exhibit, smiks.) (Beat.)
, ALICE. Do you hate me? lARRY. My dad.
l.ARRY. No, I adore you. ANNA. From]oe?
ALICE. Do we have to talk about it? (Pause.)
l.ARRY. Not if you don't want to. (She kisses him.) lARRY. It's from Alice.
ALICE. Thank you. I've got a surprise for you. I'm fucking her.
l.ARRY. You're full of them. (Alice looks at Larry's watch.) I - Am - Fucking - Alice.
ALICE. Wait here. (Alice exits. Larry opens the package, looks She's set us up, I had no idea you were meeting her.
inside, smiks. Anna enters, looking at her watch. She has a guidebook, (Pause.)

62 63
ANNA. You 're old enough to be her ancestor. LARRY. I think I'll leave you to it.
LARRY. Disgusting, isn't it. ALICE. Good idea, we don't want him here while we're
ANNA. You should be ashamed. working, do we?
LARRY. (Smiles.) Oh, I am. LARRY. (To Alice.) Later, Minx.
(&at.) (To Anna.) Bye. (He mo.hes to exit, turns.)
ANNA. ... How? (To Anna.) Nice shoes by the way. (Larry exits.)
LARRY. (Vague.) I went to a club, she happened to be there. ANNA. How did you get so brutal?
ALICE. I lived a little. (Alice strokes the sweater, Anna watches her.)
ANNA. A club?
LARRY. Yeah, a club. ANNA. You're primitive.
ANNA. You don't go to clubs. ALICE. Yeah, I am. How's Dan?
LARRY. I'm reliving my youth. ANNA. Fine.
ANNA. Was it a strip club? ALICE. Did you tell him you were seeing me?
LARRY. You know, I can't remember. (Larry looks at Anna.) ANNA. No.
Jealous? (Anna shrugs.) Ah, well. ALICE. Do you cut off his crusts?
ANNA. When did it start? ANNA. What?
LARRY. About a month ago. ALICE. Do you cut off his crusts?
ANNA. lkfQn: or~ I came to your surgery? ANNA. What do you want?
LARRY. The night before. (Dirty.) She made me strip for her. ALICE. I want my negatives. (Anna hands the envelope to Alice.)
ANNA. I don't want to know. What's your latest project, Anna?
ANNA. Derelict buildings.
LARRY. I know.
Did you tell your "soul mate" about that afternoon? ALICE. How nice, the beauty of ugliness.
ANNA. Of course. ANNA. What are you doing with Larry?
LARRY. How did he take it? ALICE. Everything.
(Beat.) I like your bed.
ANNA. Like a 1l!Q11. (She looks at him.) You should come round one night, come and watch your hus-
band blubbering into his pillow - it might help you develop a
LARRY. I told you it was best to be truthful.
conscience.
ANNA. You're sly.
ANNA. I know what I've done.
LARRY. Am I?
ALICE. His big thing at the moment is how upset his family
(Fondly.) You love your guidebooks, you look like a tourist.
are. Apparently, they all worship you, they can't understand why
ANNA. I feel like one. Please don't hate me.
you had to ruin everything. He spends hours staring up my a.IX:
LARRY. It's easier than loving you. (He looks at Anna.)
.hQk like there's going to be some answer there.
Me and Alice ... it's nothing.
Any ideas, Anna?
ANNA. Nice nothing?
Why don't you go back to him?
LARRY. Very. (They look at each other, close.)
ANNA. And then Dan would go back to you?
Since we're talking, could you have a word with your lawyer?
ALICE. Maybe.
I'm still waiting for confirmation of our divorce.
.lf that's what you want. (Alice enters.) ANNA. Ask him.
ALICE. Hi, do you two know each other? ALICE. I'm not a beggar.

65
64
ANNA Dan left you, I didn't force him to go. ALICE. Yeah well, you're old. (Anna smiles to herself, loolcs at
ALICE. You made yourself available, don't weasel out of it. Alice.)
ANNA. Screwing Larry was a big mistake. ANNA. I am sorry. I had a choice and I chose to be selfish. I'm
ALICE. Yeah, well, everyone screws Larry round here. sorry.
ANNA. You're Dan's little girl, he won't like it. ALICE. (Shrugs.) Everyone's selfish, I stole Dan from someone
ALICE. So don't tell him, I think you owe me that (Anna looks else.
away.) She even looks beautiful when she's angry. The Perfect ANNA. Ruth?
Woman. ALICE. Ruth. She went to pieces when he left her.
ANNA JUST FUCKING STOP IT. ANNA. Did she ever come and see you?
ALICE. Now we're talking. ALICE. No. (Alice turns to Anna.) So ... what are you going to do?
ANNA Why now, why come for me now? ANNA Think. (Anna touches Alice's sweater.)
ALICE. Because I felt strong enough, it's taken me five months Is Larry nice to you, in bed?
to convince myself you're not better than me. ALICE. OK, Dan's better.
ANNA It's not a competition. ANNA. Rubbish, at least Larry's there.
ALICE. Yes it is. ALICE. Dan's there, in his own quiet way.
ANNA I don't want a fight. ANNA. They spend a lifetime fucking and never know how to
ALICE. SO GIVE IN. make love.
(Si/,ence. They wok at each other. Gently.) Why did you do this? (Pause.)
ANNA (Tough.) I fell in love with him, Alice. ALICE. I've got a scar on my leg, Larry's mad about it, he licks
ALICE. That's the most stupid expression in the world. it like a dog. Any ideas?
"I fell in love" - as if you had no choice. ANNA. (Shrugs.) Dermatowgy? God knows. This is what we're
There's a moment, there's always a 1TW11Umt; I can do this, I dealing with.
can give in to this or I can resist it. I don't know when your We arrive with our ... "baggage" and for a while they're bril-
moment was but I bet there was one. liant, they're "Baggage Handlers."
ANNA Yes, there was. We say, "Where's your baggage?" They deny all knowledge of
ALICE. You didn't fall in love, you gave in to temptation. it ... "They'w in love" ... they have none.
ANNA Well you fell in love with him. Then ... just as you're relaxing ... a Great Big Juggernaut
ALICE. NQ., I chose him. I looked in his briefcase and I found arrives ... with 1Miz baggage.
this ... sandwich ... and I thought, "I will give all my love to this It Got Held Up.
charming man who cuts off his crusts." One of the greatest myths men have about women is that we
I didn't/all in love, I chose to. overpack.
ANNA You still want him, after everything he's done to you? They love the way we make them feel but not "us."
ALICE. You wouldn't understand, he ... buries me. They love dreams.
He makes me invisible. ALICE. So do we. You should lower your expectations.
ANNA. (Curious.) What are you hiding from? ANNA. It's easy to say that. I'm not being patronising but
ALICE. (Softly.) Everything. Everything's a lie, nothing matters. you're a child.
ANNA Too easy, Alice. It's the cop-out of the age. ALICE. you are being patronising.

66 67
ANNA. And you a~ a child. (They look at each other.) DAN. I apologise.
Who's "Bwter"1 If you love her, you'll let her go so she can be ... happy.
ALlCE. "Buster"? No idea. LARRY. She doesn't want to be "happy."
ANNA. He says it in his sleep. DAN. Everyone wants to be happy.
ALlCE. (Smiks.) I've got to go. (Alice makes to exit.) LARRY. Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm
ANNA. Don't forget your negatives. (Alice picks up the envel<>pe.) they're depressed.
ALlCE. Oh, yeah. Thanks. (Alice hands the envel<>pe to Anna.) If they were~ they couldn't be depressed anymore,
Do the right thing, Anna. (Alice exits. Anna looks at the envelope.) they'd have to go out into the world and Jiw, which can be ...
depressing.
BLACKOUT DAN. Anna's not a depressive.
LARRY. Isn't she?
DAN. I love her.
IARRY. Boo boo, so do I. You don't love Anna, you love your-
self.
Scene 10 DAN. You're wrong, I don't lffi1t myself.
IARRY. Yes you do, and you know something; you're winning
-you selfish people - it's yourworld. /jjg, isn't it? (Dan glances
Larry '.s surgery. round the sleek surgery.)
DAN. Niceoffice.
Late afternoon. December. (A month later.) It's you who's selfish. You don't even want Anna, you want
revenge.
On Larry '.s desk: computer, phone, a Newton '.s Cradle. Also in She's gone back to you because she can't bear your suffering.
the room, a surgery bed. Larry is seated at his desk. You don't know who she is, you love her like a dog loves its
owner.
Dan is standing, distraught. He holds his brown briefcase. LARRY. And the owner loves the dog for so doing.
Companionship will always triumph over "passion."
Silence. DAN. You'll hurt her, you'll never forgive her.
LARRY. Of course I'll forgive her - I have forgiven her.
Without forgiveness we're savages. You're dwuning.
LARRY. So? DAN. You only met her because of me.
DAN. I want Anna back. LARRY. Yeah ... thanks.
LARRY. She's made her choice. DAN. It's a joke, your marriage to her is a~.
You look like shit. IARRY. Here's a good one: she never sent the divorce papers
(Beat. Dan puts his bmfcase down.) to her lawyer.
DAN. I owe you an apology. I fell in love with her. To a "Towering Romantic Hero" like you I don't doubt I'm
My intention was not to make you suffer. somewhat common but I am, nevertheless, what she has chosen.
LARRY. Where's the apology? You SJlllt. And we must respect What The Woman ·wants.

68 69
 If you go near her again, I promise - (The phone rings.) I will DAN. She got it when her parents' car crashed.
kill you. (Larry pichs it up. In phone.) Uh-huh. OK. (Larry puts the (Pause.)
p'lunw down.) LARRY. There's a condition called "Dermatitis Artefacta." It's a
I have patients to see. (Larry taks his jacket off to prepare for his mental disorder manifested in the skin. The patient manufac-
patWn.t.) tures his or her very own skin disease. They pour bleach on
DAN. When she came here you think she enjoyed it? themselves, gouge their skin, inject themselves with their own
l.ARRY. I didn't fuck her to give her a "nice time." piss, sometimes their own shit. They create their own disease
I fucked her to fuck you up. A good fight is never clean. with the same diabolical attention to detail as the artist or the
And yeah, she enjoyed it, she's a Catholic - she loves a guilty lover. It looks "real" but its source is the deluded self. (Larry taks
a roll of paper and maAes a new sheet on the SU7PY bed.)
fuck. (Larry grins.)
I think Alice mutilated herself.
DAN. You're an animal.
It's fairly common in children who lose their parents young.
l.ARRY. YES. What are ~1 They blame themselves, they're disturbed.
DAN. You think love is simple? You think the heart is like a DAN. Alice is not "disturbed."
diagram? LARRY. But she is.
LARRY. Ever seen a human heart? It looks like a fist wrapped in You were so busy feeling your grand artistic 1eelings" you
blood. couldn't see what was in front of you. The girl is fragile and
GO FUCK YOURSELF ... you ... WRITER You LlAR. tender. She didn't want to be put in a book, she wanted to be
Go check a few facts while I get my hands dirty. loved.
DAN. She hates your hands. She hates your simplicity. DAN. How do you know?
(Pause.) (Beat.)
LARRY. Lillell ... I've spent the whole week talking about you. LARRY. Clinical observation. (Larry hands Dan his briefcase indi-
Anna tells me you fucked her with your eyes closed. cating for him to /,eave. Larry loolr.s at Dan, dose.)
She tells me you wake in the night, crying for your dead Don't cry on me.
mother. (Siknce. Dan brealr.s down, uncontrollably. Larry observes him.)
s
You mummy bqy. DAN. I'm sorry. (He continues to cry.)
Shall we stop this? I don't know what to do. (Larry watches him sob. Eventually ... )
It's over. Accept it. LARRY. Sit down. (Dan sinlr.s into a chair, head in hands.)
You don't know the first thing about love because you don't You want my advice? Go back to her.
understand compromise. DAN. She'd never have me. She's vanished.
You don't even know ... Alice. (Dan I.oohs at him.) (Pause.)
consider her scar, how did she get that? LARRY. No, she hasn't. (Dan loohs up.)
(Beat.)
I found her ... by accident. She's working in ... a ... "club."
Yes, I saw her naked.
DAN. When did you meet Alice?
No, I did not fuck her.
(Pause.)
DAN. You spoke to her?
LARRY. Anna's exhibition. You remember.
LARRY. Yes.
A scar in the shape of a question mark, solve the mystery.
DAN. What about?

70 71
I.ARRY. You. ( 11&e phone rings. Larry picks it up. He hands Dan a DAN. (Nods.) I was made editor.
KJ.eenex. In phtme.)Yes. One minute. (Larry puts the phtme down. He LARRY. Yeah? How come?
writes on his pmcription pad.) DAN. The previous editor died. (They smile.)
DAN. How is she? Alcohol poisoning. I sat with him for a week, in the hospital.
LARRY. (Writing.) She loves you. Beyond Comprehension. (They loolc at each other.)
Here ... your prescription. (Larry hands Dan a piece of paper.) LARRY. I really do have patients to see. (Dan gestuff!s to the
It's where she works. Newtons Cradle.)
Go to ber. (They loolc at each other.) DAN. Alice ... gave me one of those.
DAN. Thank you. (Larry starts to consult his files. Dan moves to I.ARRY. Really?
leave but then ~ to the Newtons Cradle.) (Beat.)
Where did you get that? DAN. And yours?
l.ARRY. A presenL (Larry begins to 'UJ01'lt on his computer.) LARRY. My dad.
Still pissing about on the Net? DAN. (Suspicious.) Your father?
DAN. Not recently. LARRY. Yeah, he loves old tat.
(Beat.)
DAN. He's a cabdriver, isn't he?
LARRY. Yeah. (Larry points to Dan indicating, "and yours. •)
I.ARRY. I wanted to lcill you.
... Teacher?
DAN. I thought you wanted to fuc1c me.
DAN. History.
I.ARRY. (Smiles.) Don't get lippy.
(Pause. Larry sets the cradle in motion. They watch it moving.)
I liked your book by the way.
LARRY. You should never have messed with Anna. (Dan gns up.)
DAN. Thanks ... You Stand Alone.
DAN. I know, I'm sorry. Thank you.
I.ARRY. With Anna. I'm not sucking your literary cock but I did
l.ARRY. For what?
quite like it - because it was "humane" (surprisingly). You
DAN. Being kind.
should write another one.
LARRY. I am kind. Your invoice is in the post. (Dan goes to exit.)
DAN. (Shrugs.) Haven't got a subject. Dan ... (Dan turns to Larry.)
(Beat.)
I lied to you.
l.ARRY. When I was nine, a policeman touched me up. I did fuck Alice.
He was my uncle. Still is. Uncle Ted. I'm sorry for telling you.
Nice bloke, married, bit of a demon darts player. I'm just ... not ... big enough to forgive you.
Don't tell me you haven't got a subject, every human life is a ~- (They loolc at each other.)
million stories.
Thank God life ends- we'd never survive it. BI.ACKOUT
From Big Bang to weary shag, the history of the world.
Our flesh is ferocious ... our bodies will kill us ... our bones
will outlive us.
Still writing obituaries?
DAN. Yes.
I.ARRY. Busy?

72 73
 Scene 11 ALICE. In a place where you can't look. No one sees my pass-
port photo. (Dan strokes her.)
Hey, when we get on the plane we'll have been together four
Hotel room. years.
Happy Anniversary ... Buster. (Dan stops, looks at her.)
Late night.January. (A month later.) DAN. I'm going to take my eyes out.
ALICE. Brush your teeth as well. (Dan gets off the bed.)
Dan is lying on the bed, smoking. He is reading a Gideons Bible. DAN. What was in my sandwiches?
He stubs his cigawtte in the ashtray. ALICE. Tuna.
DAN. What colour was my apple?
Alice is in the bathroom offttage. ALICE. Green.
DAN. It was red.
ALICE. It was green and it was horrible.
ALICE. (Off.) SHOW ME THE SNEER (Dan sneers in the direc- DAN. What were your first words to me?
tion of the bathroom.) ALICE. "Hallo, Stranger."
(Off.) BOLLOCKS. DAN. What a slut.
DAN. (Laughing.) It's two in the morning, you'll wake the (Beat.)
hotel. (Alice enters in her pyjamas. She carlwheels onto the bed.) ALICE. Where had I been?
ALICE. Fuck me. DAN. "Clubbing," then the meat market and then ... the
DAN. Again1We have to be up at six. buried river.
ALICE. How can one man be so endlessly disappointing? (Beat.)
DAN. That's my charm. (Alice lies in his arms.) So ... where are we ALICE. The what?
going? DAN. You went to Blackfriars Bridge to see where the Fleet
ALICE. My treat - my holiday surprise - my rules. (Dan tickles river comes out ... the swimming pig ... all that.
her.) ALICE. You've lost the plot, Grandad. (Dan "11!members" and exits
DAN. ..H:'.llm are we going? to the bathroom.)
ALICE. (Laughing.) New York. DAN. (Off.) And you went to that park ... with the memorial.
DAN. You angel. ALICE. Who did you go there with?
How long's the flight? DAN. (Off.) My old dead dad.
ALICE. Seven hours. ALICE. He ate an egg sandwich, he had butter on his chin.
DAN. I can't fly for seven hours. DAN. (Off.) How do you 11!member these things?
ALICE. The plane will do the flying. I'll protect you. (She kisses ALICE. Because my head's not full of specky, egghead rubbish.
him.) What was your euphemism?
Don't be scared of flying. DAN. (Off.) Reserved. Yours?
DAN. I'm not, I'm scared of crashing. Did you remember to ALICE. Disarming. Were the chairs red or yellow? (Dan enters.
pack my passport? He is now wearing his spectacles.)
ALICE. Of course, it's with my passport. DAN. No idea.
DAN. And where's that? ALICE. Trick question, they were orange.

74 75
DAN. You are a trick question. Damsel ALICE. No I'm not.
ALICE. Knight. (Alice opens her legs. Dan looks at her, mnembers It paid for this.
something. Pause.) (Pause. Dan strugg!,es but can't stop him.self.)
DAN. Do you remember a doctor? DAN. Tell me what happened.
(&at.) ALICE. Dan ... don't. Nothing happened.
ALICE. No ... what doctor? DAN. But he came to the club?
(Pause.) ALICE. Loads of men came to the club. You came to the club.
DAN. There was a doctor ... he gave you a cigarette. The look on your face.
(&at.) DAN. The look on your face.
ALICE. No. I haven't been on holiday for ... ever. What a face. What a wig. (He gm.es at her.)
DAN. We went to the country. I /,uve your face ... I saw this face ... this ... vision.
ALICE. That doesn't count, you were making sneaky calls to And then you stepped into the road.
that ... witch we do not mention. (Dan watches her.) It was the moment of my life.
DAN. Do you think they're happy? ALICE. This is the moment of your life.
ALICE. Who? DAN. You were perfect.
DAN. Anna and ... Larry. ALICE. I still am.
ALICE. Couldn't give a toss. Come to bed DAN. Iknow.
DAN. I want a fag. How did you manage to give up? On the way to the hospital ... when you were "lolling• ... I
ALICE. Deep Inner Strength. (Dan gm into bed. He holds Alice, kissed your forellead.
ALICE. You brute!
kisses her, strokes her leg.)
DAN. The cabbie saw me kiss you ... he said, "Is she yours?"
DAN. How did you get this?
and I said, "Yes ... she's mine." (Dan kisses her forehead, holds her
ALICE. You know how.
close. Struggles with himself)
DAN. How? So he came to the club, watched you strip, had a little chat
ALICE. I fell off my bike because I refused to use stabilisers. and that was it?
DAN. (Disbelieving.) Really? ALICE. Yes.
ALICE. You know how I got it. DAN. You're not trusting me. I'm in love with you, you're safe.
(Beat.) If you fucked him you fucked him, I just want to know.
DAN. Did you do it yourself? ALICE. Why?
ALICE. No. DAN. (Tenderly.) Because I want to know everything because ...
(&at.) I'm ... insane. (Dan strokes her face.)
DAN. Show me your passport. (Pause.)
ALICE. No, I look ugly. Idl..JM ...
(&at.) (Long silence.)
DAN. When are you going to stop stripping? ALICE. Nothing happened. You were living with someone else.
ALICE. Soon. DAN. (Sharp.) What are you justifying?
DAN. You're addicted to it. ALICE. I'm not justifying anything ... I'm just saying.
DAN. What are you &JiD.I?

76 77
ALICE. I'm not saying anything. DAN. I needed you to tell me.
DAN. I jlW lYallt ~ .trn.th. (Dan gets out of bed and puts his ALICE. Why?
trousers on.) DAN. Because he might've been lying, I had to hear it from you.
ALICE. I'm telling you the truth. ALICE. I would never have told you because I know you'd
DAN. You and the truth are known strangers. never forgive me.
Did you ever give him a present? DAN. I would, I have.
(Beat.) ALICE. Why did he tell you?
ALICE. No. Where are you going? DAN. Because he's a bastard.
DAN. Cigarettes. ALICE. (Distraught.) How could he?
ALICE. Everywhere's closed. DAN. Because he wanted this to happen.
DAN. I'll go to the terminal, I'll be back soon. (Dan puts his ALICE. But why test me?
coat on.) DAN. Because I'm an idiot.
When I get back please tell me the truth. ALICE. Yeah.
ALICE. Why? ' I would've loved you forever. Now, please go.
DAN. Because I'm addicted to it. Because without it we're ani- DAN. Don't do this Alice, talk to me.
mals. Trust me, I love you. (He looks at her.) ALICE. I'm talking - fuck off.
What? (Alice slowly turns to him.) DAN. I'm sorry, you misunderstand, I didn't mean to -
(Silence.) ALICE. Yes you did.
ALICE. I don't love you anymore. DAN. I love you.
(Pause.) ALICE. ~?
DAN. Look ... I'm sorry ... DAN. What?
ALICE. No, I've changed the subject. I don't love you any- ALICE. Show me. Where is this "kll!f "?
more. I can't see it, I can't touch it, I can't feel it.
DAN. Since when? I can hear it, I can hear some words but I can't do anything
ALICE. (Gently.) Now ... Just Now. with your easy words.
I don't want to lie and I can't tell the truth so it's over. DAN. Listen to me, please -
DAN. Alice ... don't leave me. (Alice gets out of bed and goes to her ALICE. Whatever you say it's too late.
rucksack, she finds Dans passport and hands it to him.) DAN. (Desperately.) Please don't do this.
ALICE. I've left ... I've gone. ALICE. It's done. Now gQ. or I'll call ... security.
"I don't love you anymore. Good-bye." (Beat.)
(Beat.) DAN. You're not in a strip club. There is no security. (They look
DAN. Why don't you tell me the truth? at each other. Pause. Alice tries to grab the phone. Dan throws her onto
ALICE. (Softly.) So you can hate me? the bed. They struggl,e.)
I fucked Larry. Many times. I enjoyed it. I came. I prefer you. DAN. Why'd you fuck him?
Now go. ALICE. I wanted to.
(Pause.) DAN. Why?
DAN. I knew that, he told me. ALICE. I~ him.
ALICE. You knew1 DAN. ~?

78 79
 ALICE. You weren't there. died of injuries received in trying to save a child from a runaway
DAN. Why him? horse. June 2om 1888. (Anna turns to Larry.)
ALICE. He asked me nicely. How's Polly?
II DAN. You're a liar. (&at.)
ALICE. So? LARRY. Polly's great.
DAN. WHO ARE YOU? ANNA I always knew you'd end up with a pretty nurse.
ALICE. I'M NO ONE. (She spits in his face. He grabs her by the LARRY. Yeah? How?
I
throat, one hand.) ANNA I just thought you would.
Go on, hit me. That's what you want. Hit me. you fucker. Is she ... "the one"?
1,
(Silence. Dan kits Alice. Silence.) LARRY. I don't know. (He glances at Anna.)
ALICE. Do you have a single original thought in your head? No.
Everyone learns, nobody changes.
BIA.CKOUT ANNA You don't change.
(&at.)
LARRY. You ... seeing anyone?
ANNA No.
I got a dog.
Scene 12 LARRY. Yeah? What sort?
ANNA Mongrel, she's a stray. I found her in the street, no
collar ... nothing.
Postman sPark. (Pause.)
LARRY. You look fantastic.
Afternoon. July. (Six months later.) ANNA Don't start.
LARRY. I'd give you one ... (Anna looks at him.)
A summers day. Anna is looking at the memorial. She has a Serious.
guidebook. ANNA Fuck off and die, you fucked-up slag.
(Pause.)
Larry stands, holding his white coat. He carries two Styrofoam LARRY. I never told you this: when I strode into the bathroom
cups. He watches her. She turns. ... that night ... I banged my knee on our cast-iron tub. The bath-
room ambushed me. While you were sobbing in the sitting room
I was hopping around in agony. The mirror was having a field
ANNA Spy. (Larry approaches.) You've got the coat. day. (Anna smiles.)
lARRY. The white coat. How's work?
ANNA Hallo, Doctor Larry. (Larry hands a cup to Anna.). ANNA I'm having a break ... I'm taking the dog to the country ...
Thanks. Have you read these? (Anna turns baclc to the memorial.) we're going to go for long walks.
lARRY. Yeah, I knew you'd like it. (Larry sits on a paric bench and (Beat.)
lights a cigamte.) l.ARRY. Don't become ... a sad person.
ANNA (&ading.) Elizabeth Boxall ... aged seventeen ... who ANNA I won't. I'm not. fuck off. (Larry looks at her.)

80 81

i
 IARRY. Don't give your love to a dog. burning house in Union Street, Borough, at the cost of her own
ANNA Well, you didn't want it, in the end. young life.
There's always someone younger. (They look out at the memorial.) April 24™ 1885.
(Si/mu.) She made herself up. (Tlwy look at the mnnorial. After a whil.e,
l.ARRY. How did she die? Larry puts his cigarette out and picks up his white coat.)
ANNA. I don't know. When he phoned, he said it happened I'm not being callous but I've got a lot of patients to see.
last night in New York. He's flying out today and he wanted to Will you give my apologies to Dan? I'm not good at grief.
see us before he left ANNA You're a coward.
IARRY. So they weren't together? LARRY. I know. (Anna continues to look at the memorial then turns
ANNA. They split up in January. to Larry.)
(Beat.) ANNA You do remember me? (They look at each othn'., Dan
IARRY. Did he say why? enters. He is wearing the suit and carrying the suitcase seen in Sane ,5.
ANNA No. He is holding a bunch offlowers. He is exhausted.)
(Beat.) DAN. I couldn't get away from work, sorry.
IARRY. How did they contact him? LARRY. Dan ... I'm sorry ... I have to ...
ANNA Maybe she wrote his name in her passport as "next of DAN. It's fine. (Larry exi.ts.)
ki n. " DAN. (To Anna.) You look well.
You're still in mine - "in the event of death." ANNA I am well. (Dan looks out at the memorial.)
I must remove you. ANNA Dan ... (Anna gestures for him to sit, he remains standing.)
Are you glad you're back at the hospital? (Anna sits with DAN. This is where we sat.
Larry.) ANNA Who?
LARRY. Yeah. Well, Polly said she wouldn't have sex with me DAN. Me and my father, didn't I tell you?
until I gave up private medicine. What's a man to do? (Anna looks ANNA No, wrong girl, you told Alice.
at the memorial.)
(Beat.)
ANNA Do you think the families arranged these? DAN. Jane. Her name was Jane Jones.
LARRY. I suppose. It's like putting flowers at the roadside. The police phoned me .. . they said that someone I knew,
People need to remember. It makes things seem less ... random. called Jane, had died ... (they found her address book). I said
Actually, I hate this memorial.
there must be a mistake ...
ANNA Why?
They had to describe her.
LARRY. It's the sentimental act of a Victorian philanthropist: There's no one else to identify the body.
remember the dead, forget the living. She was knocked down by a car ... on 4311D and Madison.
ANNA You're a pompous bastard.
When I went to work today ... Graham said, "Who's on the
II LARRY. And you are an incurable romantic.
slab?"
Have a look for Alice Ayres.
I went out to the fire escape and just ... cried like a baby.
ANNA Larry, that's horrible. (Larry points to om mnnorial in
I covered my face - why do we do that?
particular.)
LARRY. (Reading.) Alice Ayres, daughter of a bricklayer's
A man from the Treasury had died. I spent all morning ...
labourer, who by intrepid conduct saved three children from a writing his obituary.

i 8S
82
 There's no space. There's not enough ... space. (Dan sits on the APPENDIX TO SCENE 3
bench with Anna.)
The phone rang. It was the police ... they said there's no
record of her parents' death ... they said they were trying to In a production of Closer where budget or theatre sight lines
trace them. won't allow for a projected version of this scene it may be pos-
She told me that she fell in love with me because ... I cut off sible for the actors to speak their lines whilst "typing." Permis-
my crusts ... but it was just ... it was only that day ... because the sion, in this respect, must be sought from the author's agent
bread ... broke in my hands. (Dan turns away from Anna, looks at the when applying for the rights for the production.
flowers.)
(Silence.) The following dialogue may be used:
(He turns back to Anna.)
I bumped into Ruth last week.
She's married. One kid, another on the way.
She married ... a Spanish poet. (He grimaces.)
She translated his work and fell in love with him. Scene 3
Fell in love with a collection of poems.
They were called ... Solitude. (Dan holds onto the flowers.)
I have to put these at Blackfriars Bridge. (Dan and Anna stand.) Internet.
I have to go, I'll miss the plane. (They look at each other.)
Good-bye. Early evening. January. (The following year.)
ANNA. Yes. Good-bye. (They exit separately. Empty stage.)
Dan is in his flat sitting at a tahk with a computer. There is a
BIACKOUT Newtons Cradle on the table. Writerly sloth, etc.

Larry is sitting at his hospital desk with a computer. He is wear-

ing a whiu coat.

They are in separau rooms.

They speak their "dialogue" simultaneous to their typing it. The

actors should speak word b-y word, almost robotically, as if they
were dictating the words onto the screen. Thus making a distinc-
tion between "typed" speech and "spoken" speech (e.g. Larry on
the phone).

DAN. Hallo.
LARRY. Hi.

84 85
 DAN. . How are you? (Typing.) Wait. (Larry picks up the phone. Dan lights a cigarette.)
LARRY. OK. (Speaking.)~. What's the histology? Progressive? Sounds like
DAN. Come here often? an atrophy. (Larry puts the phone down and goes back to his keyboard.
I LARRY. Eh? Dan clicks the balls on his Newtons Crad/,e.)
DAN. Net. Hallo? (Dan looks at his screen.)
LARRY. First time. Anna.
DAN. A Virgin. Welcome. What's your name? (Speaking.) Bollocks.
LARRY. Larry. You? (Dan considers.) (Typing.) ANNA? WHERE ARE YOU?
DAN. Anna. DAN. Hey, big Larry, what do you wank about? (Larry considers.)
LARRY. Nice to meet you. IARRY. Ex-girlfriends.
DAN. I love COCK.
DAN. Not current g-friends?
(Pause.)
IARRY. Never. (Dan smiks.)
LARRY. You're very forward.
DAN. Tell me your sex-ex fantasy ...
DAN. And you are chatting on "LONDON FUCK." Do you IARRY. Hotel room ... they tie me up ... tease me ... won't let
want sex?
me come. They fight over me, six tongues on my cock, balls, per-
LARRY. Yes. Describe you.
ineum, et cetera.
DAN. Dark hair. Dirty mouth. Epic Tits.
DAN. All hail the Sultan ofTwat? (Larry laughs.)
LARRY. Define Epic.
IARRY. Anna, what do you wank about? (Dan thinks.)
DAN. 36DD.
LARRY. Nice arse? DAN. Strangers.
DAN. Y. IARRY. Details.
DAN. They form a queue and I attend to them like a cum
LARRY. Because I want to know. (Dan smiks.)
DAN. No, "Y" means "Yes." hungry bitch, one in each hole and both hands.
LARRY. Oh. IARRY. Then?
DAN. I want to suck you senseless. DAN. They come in my mouth arse tits cunt hair.
LARRY. Be my guest. LARRY. (Speaking.) Jesus. (Larry s phone rings. He picks up the
DAN. Sit on my face Fuckboy. receiver and replaces it without answering. Then he toAes it off the hook.)
LARRY. I'm there. (Typing.) Then?
DAN. Wear my wet knickers. DAN. I lick it off like the dirty slut I am. Wait, have to type with
(Beat.) one hand ...
LARRY. OK. I'm coming right now ... oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
DAN. Are you well hung? oh oh oh oh.
LARRY. Nine pounds. (Pause. Larry, motionkss, stares at his screen.)
(Speaking.) Shit. IARRY. Was it good?
(Typing.) Nine inches. DAN. No. (Larry shakes his head.)
DAN. GET IT OUT. (Larry considers and then unz.ips. He puts his LARRY. I'm shocked.
hand in his trousers. The phone on his desk rings. Loud. He jumps.) DAN. PARADISE SHOULD BE SHOCKING.
LARRY. (Speaking.) Wait. lARRY. Are you for real?

86 87
 (Beat.} PROPER'IY UST
DAN. MEET ME.
(Pause.)
I.ARRY. Serious? Cigarettes, lighter and/or matches
DAN. Y.
I.ARRY. When Rucksack (ALICE)
DAN. NOW. Brown leather briefcase (DAN)
lARRY. Can't. I'm a Doctor. Must do rounds. (Dan smiles. Larry Stage blood (ALICE)
flicks through his deslr. diary.) Strands of wool (ALICE)
DAN. Don't be a pussy. Life without risk is death. Desire, like Sandwiches wrapped in silver foil (ALICE).
the world, is an accident. The best sex is anonymous. We live as Green and red apples (ALICE)
we dream, ALONE. I'll make you come like a train. Two hot drinks in Styrofoam cups (DAN)
l.ARRY. Tomorrow, lP.M., where? (Dan thinks.) Watches (DAN, IARRY)
DAN. The Aquarium, London Zoo and then HOTEL. Mobile phone (DAN)
lARRY. How will you know me? Camera (ANNA)
DAN. Bring white coat. Llght for photography (ANNA)
I.ARRY. Eh? Llght meter (ANNA)
DAN. Doctor plus coat equals horn for me. Camera case (ANNA)
l.ARRY. OK Computers (DAN, IARRY)
DAN. I send you a rose my love. Phone (IARRY)
l.ARRY. Thanks. See you at Aquarium. Bye Anna. Newton's Cradle (DAN)
DAN. Bye Larry, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
l.ARRY. Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. (They look at their semens.)
.. Desk diary (IARRY)
Three guidebooks (ANNA):
London Zoo guidebook
BIACKOUT Museum guidebook
Postman's Park guidebook
Crumpled rose (IARRY)
Bottle of lager (ALICE)
Glass of wine (DAN)
Bottle of wine (IARRY)
Glass (LARRY)
Small suitcase (DAN)
Suitcase (LARRY)
Bags (IARRY)
Jacket (LARRY)
Bottle of Scotch (LARRY)
Shoe box with shoes in it (LARRY)
Postcard (IARRY)

88 89
 Two cups of tea (DAN) SOUND EFFECTS
Twenty-pound bills (LARRY)
Drinks (I.ARRY, DAN)
111111 Bag (ANNA) Door buzzer
Divorce papers (ANNA) Phone ring
Pen (ANNA)
Small package (ALICE)
Large brown envelope (ANNA)
Roll of paper for surgery bed (IARRY)
Kleenex (IARRY)
Prescription pad (JARRY)
Files (LARRY)
Gideon's Bible (DAN)
Ashtray (DAN)
II
1111111

Spectacles (DAN)
Trousers (DAN)
Coat (DAN)
Passport (ALICE)
White coat (JARRY)
Two Styrofoam cups (JARRY)
Bunch of flowers (DAN)

f
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illlll:
I'
I~
111111

II

I
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i 11~\ 90 t 91
I NEW PLAYS NEW PLAYS
*THE GREAT AMERICAN TRAILER PARK MUSICAL mU'sic and lyrics *AFTER ASHLEY by Gina Gionfriddo. A teenager is unwillingly thrust into
II
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TY. "Measured and intelligent, optimistic yet clear-eyed." -NY Maguine.
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friend, Mr. Marmalade, doesn't have much time for her-not to mention he has
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0-8222-2142-5 I' trait of a passionate idealist." -NY Times. "Deeply authentically human." -USA
Today ''A stunning dramatization." -Curtain Up. [lW] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2222-4

* AIMOST, MAINE by John Cariani. A cast of Mainers (or "Mainiacs" if

* MOONLIGHT AND MAGNOLIAS by Ron Hutchinson. Three men :\ you prefer) fall in and out of love in ways that only people who live in close
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i Cariani aims for the heart by way of the funny bone." -Star-Ledger. [2M, 2W]
ISBN: 978-0-8222-2084-8 ISBN: 978-0-8222-2156-2

* Mitch Albom's TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE by Jeffrey Hatcher and

*THE LEARNED LADIES OF PARK AVENUE by David Grimm, trans-
Mitch Alborn, based on the book by Mitch Alborn. The true story of
lated and freely adapted from Moliere's Les Femmes Savantes. Dicky wants
Brandeis University professor Morrie Schwartz and his relationship with his stu-
to marry Betty, but her mother's plan is for Betty to wed a most pompous man.
dent Mitch Alborn. ''A touching, life-affirming, deeply emotional drama." -NY
"A brave, brainy and barmy revision." -Hartford Courant. ''A rare but welcome
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-Boston Globe. [5M, 5W] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2135-7 [2M] ISBN: 978-0-8222-2188-3

*DOG SEES GOD: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE BWCKHEAD by

* REGRETS ONLY by Paul Rudnick. A sparkling comedy of Manhatran
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DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC. DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.

440 Park ~venue South, New York, NY 10016 212-683-8960 Fax 212-213-1539 440 Park A"VCDue South, New York, NY 10016 212-683-8960 Fu 212-213-1539
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postmaster@dramatists.com www.dramadsts.com
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*GREY GARDENS book by Doug Wright, music by Scott Frankel, lyrics

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* THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED by Douglas Carter Beane. Mitchell

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!i•li DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE, INC.
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