The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

Stephen R. Covey
Creating Powerful & Positive Relationships Within the Family

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What's it about?
Sex & Relationships
Parenting
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families (1997) was written by Stephen R. Covey with, as
he says, “such a passion . . . because family is what I care about most.” It’s a very personal
book that talks about how the author, his wife, and nine children apply each of the habits in
their family life. It can also be your guide to solving the problems you face in your family as
you strive, individually and together, to become more effective.

About the author

Dr. Stephen R. Coveywas a respected leadership authority, teacher, organizational
consultant, and – most importantly for this title – a respected authority on family life. He
authored the internationally best-selling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People which has
sold over 50 million copies worldwide and has been published in over 40 languages. He was
also a father to nine and grandfather to 55.

Introduction
What’s in it for me? Learn how to change your behavior and help your family become highly
effective.
Imagine you’re about to take a flight. You check with the pilot where you’re going to be flying
to today. He replies, “No idea. We’re going to take off, follow the wind, and land wherever we
fancy.” You’d no doubt be pretty worried – scared even – and, chances are, you wouldn’t get
on that flight!

Just as an airplane needs a destination and flight plan, a family should also have an idea of
its purpose and destination. Sure, it may drift off course from time to time, but with a clear
vision of that destination, it can keep coming back to the flight plan for guidance and be sure
that it’ll arrive safely.

This Blink to The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen Covey will walk you
through each of the seven habits. Along the way, it will provide some hints and tips on how
you can put them into practice in your day-to-day life as you and your family strive to
become highly effective together.

In this Blink, you’ll learn

how to create a family mission statement;

practical ways to ensure you make your family your top priority, and
how 1 + 1 can equal 3, or even more.

Key idea 1
Habit 1 of 7. Be proactive.
Almost everyone has heard of the psychiatrist Viktor Frankl. He spent World War II in a Nazi
concentration camp. There, he endured horrific experiments at the hands of his captors and
witnessed the deaths of family members. Many captives understandably gave up in the face
of such conditions, but, he observed, others were carrying out acts of kindness. Some even
gave fellow inmates their last scraps of food. He realized there was one thing that couldn’t
be taken away from any man or woman: their freedom to choose how they respond to their
circumstances.

Between anything that happens to us and our response, there’s a “space.” In that time, we’re
free to choose how we respond. What we choose ultimately affects how we grow – and our
happiness.

As newborn babies, we don’t have much possibility to choose. But as we grow, we develop
what Covey calls “four unique human gifts” – These gifts are: self-awareness, or the ability to
evaluate our thoughts, actions, and lives; conscience – our “inner voice” of what is ethical
and moral; imagination – our ability to envision a future different from our past; and
independent will – how we respond to our genes and our environment.

Instead of simply being responsive, we can use these gifts to make what we can from life,
take responsibility for how we respond, and take steps toward shaping our own future. In
short, be proactive.

To be proactive is the first and most important of the seven habits. Mastering it is key to
unlocking the power of the others. So let's cover some techniques to optimize your
proactivity.

First, focus on things you can do something about rather than on things outside of your
control. Think of the words of Saint Francis of Assisi: “God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
the difference.”

Then, make sure you always use proactive language. Instead of saying or even thinking
things like, “My grandfather and father behaved like that, so I do too,” change your whole
attitude and say, “They acted like that, but I choose not to.”

Remember to pause, think, and choose. Press the “pause button” between anything that
happens to you and how you respond. Think about the possible proactive responses. And
choose the response with the best consequences.

And don’t forget the gift of humor. Laugh, smile, and have fun when you can. You can even
laugh at your own mistakes and clumsiness.
Finally, as Gandhi said, we should be the change we want to see in others. So, start by
being proactive yourself and then inspire your family to be proactive too.

Key idea 2
Habit 2 of 7. Begin with the end in mind.
Imagine you’re on a construction site. You approach some of the workers and ask them what
they’re building. “No idea,” they say. You ask to see the blueprint. “We don’t have one,” says
the supervisor. “We’re building as we go and figuring it out along the way.” So you ask what
purpose the building will serve. “We don’t know yet,” they reply.

When you think of your family in the same way, without a blueprint, how can you know where
your family is heading, what it’s for, and what it’s trying to achieve? What you need is a
family mission statement. This is where the second habit, begin with the end in mind, comes
in.

Creating a mission statement for your family needs some dedicated uninterrupted time, but
can be accomplished in three steps.

First, brainstorm the purpose, values, and dreams of your family together. Ask yourselves
what you want to be and do as a family. What are your goals? Where are you heading?
What are your family values? Everyone should share their ideas – the more involvement, the
more buy-in and commitment. Accept all ideas at this stage without judgment, no matter how
wacky they may seem! Think possibilities, not limitations.

Second step? Combine the ideas into a single set of expressions that capture everything
about your family. Perfection isn’t necessary, but it is important to write things down. You can
always revisit the statements later. Write whatever fits for your family whether that includes
statements like “Our mission is to respect and accept each other’s talents,” or something
more simple like “Our mission is to love and help each other,” or “Our family has fun
together.”

The third step is to use your mission statement to keep your family on track. Put it where you
can all see it. You might even want to frame it. Use it to guide your family in all that you do.
When you stray from it, come back to it to correct your course. And don’t forget to revise and
update your statement as your family’s needs and desires develop, and the issues it faces
change.

Key idea 3
Habit 3 of 7. Put first things first.
Think for a moment about things that matter to you and how you’d rank them.

Most people put their relationships at the top of the list – family, friends, pets, work
colleagues, and God, for example.

Next, they list their values – freedom, trust, loyalty, integrity, and so on.

And only at the end, they think about objects like cars, houses, cell phones, and other less
tangible things like their job, leisure activities, or any side projects.
But the stark reality is, that when it comes to allocating your time you probably don’t spend
enough time developing your relationships, less time pursuing your values, and what has
actually taken over your time are those things at the end of your priorities. What you say isn’t
always what you do.

So, the third habit is to put first things first. Make your family and your relationships your top
priority.

To help you achieve this, put some systems in place which help you sustain effective results.
But keep them flexible and family-friendly while maintaining some kind of order. The Coveys
had what they called their four “Big Rock” family systems:

Have regular family meal times to help you eat more healthily and aid better family
communication. Other researched and proven benefits include less risky behavior from
teens such as drug and alcohol use; better mental health for the whole family; and better
grades for the kids.

Set aside at least one hour on a mutually convenient, consistent day for weekly family time.
Nothing will provide your family with more opportunity to build relationships. Use it to review
your schedules, solve family problems, and perhaps even a time for a little “teaching” by one
of the children. Whatever you do, make it fun.

Your family traditions are also a great time to have fun together. But you can also use them
as opportunities for the family to recommit to its values, revisit its mission statement, tell
stories, and build and grow your interpersonal relationships.

And finally, don’t forget that everyone in the family is an individual. Use one-on-one time to
be completely present with the other person. If that’s one of your children, let them decide
the agenda. Use the time to understand the other person completely and build trust between
you.

And why did the Coveys call these four things their “Big Rocks” – well, these important
things go in the family schedule first. You’ll have some work “Big Rocks” to slot in too, but
when these are all in place, it’s much easier to see where the “smaller rocks” can fit into your
busy schedules

Key idea 4
Habit 4 of 7. Think win-win.
Life is filled with winners and losers. In the world of sport, for example, there can only be one
winner of the NFL Superbowl.

But there’s no reason why, in a family setting, there needs to be winners and losers.
Win-lose, lose-win, and lose-lose situations create at least one loser – and nobody likes to
lose, least of all within a family. When we engage in win-lose battles, we’re only out for
ourselves; we no longer care about what is right only about who is right; and we fight over
who’s the best, creating a huge negative impact on our family’s culture.
When we think win-win – our fourth habit – we adopt an abundance mentality. There’s plenty
to go around for everyone. A win for one family member becomes a win for the entire family.
You begin to think in terms of “we” and not “me.” And this creates trust, mutual benefit, and
positive outcomes.

Covey uses a powerful metaphor to describe how to build mutual trust in relationships. He
calls it the Emotional Bank Account.

Just like a bank, you can make deposits and withdrawals. When you do something that
builds trust, you make a deposit. When you do something that reduces trust, you make a
withdrawal. When the balance of your Emotional Bank Account is high, there’s a high level of
trust which is also an indication of a high level of communication.

So how can you make deposits?

Start by doing little acts of kindness. Contrary to what you might think, it’s these little acts
and deeds that build the most lasting trust.

Then, always apologize sincerely when you mess up. Lame excuses or blaming others for
your misdeeds result in a huge withdrawal.

Don’t talk about people behind their backs or gossip about them in their absence. Such
actions break the trust between you and the person you talked about – and also break the
trust between you and the person you’re talking to. After all, if a person is willing to talk about
one person behind their back, perhaps they also do the same behind yours!

When families make and keep promises to each other, they know that they can trust each
other to do what they say. Breaking a promise also breaks that trust and it can take months
of good behavior to repair.

Finally, remember to forgive. Forgiving each other creates channels through which love and
trust flow.

Key idea 5
Habit 5 of 7. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Ask any family counselor what the top complaint they hear from their clients is, and you’ll
invariably hear the same answer: poor communication.

In the classic book, The Little Prince, the fox observes that “It is only with the heart that one
can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” He has a point. Seeking to
understand another family member’s heartfelt feelings creates a huge deposit in our
Emotional Bank Account. So it’s no wonder that our fifth habit is to seek first to understand,
then to be understood.

The key to understanding is listening. Yet often, we only pretend to listen, nodding our heads
while checking our social media. Or we listen selectively, trying to catch the main points
rather than giving the other person our undivided attention. It’s only when we use attentive
listening that we really start to give the speaker the time they deserve, focusing on every
word and being attentive to their body language, too.

But there’s yet another, higher level of listening we need to practice: empathic listening.
Empathy requires us to do our utmost to see the world from the speaker’s viewpoint. When
emotions are involved, trust has been broken, and deep feelings are being communicated,
we need to set aside distractions and use all our senses to listen. And most of all, we need
to listen with our hearts, just as the fox said.

When you listen in this way, don’t judge or evaluate. Hold off on giving advice too. Jumping
in with your worldly wisdom often means you’ve failed to understand the other person at all.
Keep any probing questions to a minimum. Allow the other person to speak rather than,
perhaps inadvertently, leading them toward a possible solution. Instead, ask clarifying
questions to confirm the accuracy of what you’ve understood. Such questions demonstrate
your desire to understand while generating trust.

When you fully understand the other person, you’re in a position to give feedback and share
your own feelings and viewpoint within their frame of reference rather than your own. That’s
why, logically, and then be understood comes after seek first to understand.

Key idea 6
Habit 6 of 7. Synergize.
The sum of 1 + 1 can equal 3 – or perhaps more. No, I didn’t flunk basic math. There really
are situations where this is, kind of, true.

When two people are put on a project to work together, if they have conflicting views on how
to complete it, then the result is probably going to be less than if one of them worked on the
project alone – let’s say the sum of their achievement = ½. If they compromise – each side
gives way a little to the other – they might even get a result of 1½. And if they use teamwork
and combine their efforts they’ll achieve a result of 2.

But, and here’s where the magic starts, if they synergize their efforts – each person brings
their own strengths to the party, their unique talents and ideas – they can come up with
better ideas and solutions than the sum of what they could achieve individually – a result of 3
or even more.

When you practice and develop synergy you’ll find that there’s no more “my way” or “your
way,” but rather “our way” – a better, higher alternative way. There’s more creative
cooperation, too, and each family member’s strengths and weaknesses become irrelevant.
Your family will face challenges and opportunities that come their way together and at a
much higher level.

Key idea 7
Habit 7 of 7. Sharpen the saw.
Imagine you and a neighbor are sawing down similar dead trees in your yards. You have the
same age and physical build, and the same saws. You begin at the same time.
You stop after a few hours to rest. But your neighbor stopped for a break every hour. But
what’s this? His tree is nearly cut through whereas you’re only halfway. How’s that even
possible?

You ask. And your neighbor reveals that every time they took a break, they also sharpened
their saw! Naturally, they were then able to cut through the tree faster.

The seventh and final habit is, then, to sharpen the saw – or, in other words, taking the time
to renew four key areas in your family life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual
needs.

Failure to attend to or renew these areas eventually results in deterioration, so it’s essential
that – both individually and as a family – you set aside time for renewal. Try some of these
ideas each day or find some of your own:

Physically, try exercising more or eating healthier food. For your social-emotional needs,
what about building some new friendships and finding ways to reduce stress levels?
Mentally, why not try reading more or starting a new hobby? And spiritually, give meditation a
go or read inspirational literature.

And when it comes to the family, use some of those “Big Rock” times we talked about earlier.
Family meal times and one-on-one bonding times are excellent opportunities to sharpen the
saw together. And, of course, family vacations are a fantastic opportunity for family activities
as are activities that involve the extended family.

Sharpening the saw together helps your family develop its sense of identity, deepen its
connectivity, and provide you all with a shared sense of hope.

Final summary
The thing to remember from this is that:

The key to succeeding as a highly effective family doesn’t lie in the practice of any singular
habit, but rather in learning and using each habit to make a difference. So let’s quickly recap
those habits:

Habits 1 to 3 – be proactive; begin with the end in mind; and put first things first – so to be
highly effect, you gotta provide your family with a mindset, a sense of destination, and a
recognition of its priorities.

Habits 4 to 6 – think win-win; seek first to understand, then to be understood; and synergize
– provide a structure and process for your family to work together to accomplish its goals.

And habit 7 – sharpen the saw – describes the power of renewal your family needs to keep
doing to remain highly effective.

Learning these habits is an ongoing activity. Think of it as climbing a spiral staircase, each
step representing one habit. When you move from step seven to eight, effectively you start
over with step one again, and so on. Each time you restart the habits you’re at a higher level
and better placed to apply each habit to even more areas of your life.

And finally, here’s some more actionable advice:

Start with yourself.

You can think of working with the seven habits as concentric circles. You are the innermost
of these circles. When you start with yourself, the effects ripple out, touching each
relationship until they reach everyone in your family and perhaps even your community. But
where to begin?

Be honest with yourself and think about one thing you could stop or start doing that would
have a huge impact on your family and work on that. Make a simple plan for how you’ll keep
your commitment to change over the next 30 days or so. Then share your plan with
someone who’ll help you achieve it through their encouragement and tips, and who -you can
celebrate your progress with you.

When you’ve first worked on yourself, you can then move outward, applying the habits to
one specific family relationship, then to the whole of your family. Finally, your family could
think about how using the habits could improve your whole community.