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SADHVI BHAGAWATI SARASWATI
PENGUIN BOOKS
Contents
Introduction
From Hollywood to Holy Woods
The Mind
Our Emotions
Creating Change
Dharmic Relationships
Raising Spiritual Children
Parents
Living through the Golden Years
Conclusion
Footnote
Love
Follow Penguin
Copyright
PENGUIN ANANDA
COME HOME TO YOURSELF
First, I’m going to change the phrase to ‘True Self,’ because if we say
‘Divine Self’, it implies that there is a ‘non-divine self’; that is to say,
this part of me is my Divine Self, and this part of me is my non-
divine self. What we have is a True Self and a non-true self. The
non-true self is the stuff that most of us actually identify as: our
name, our age, where we’re from, the colour of our skin, our bank
account, our career, our titles, all that stuff we associate our lives
with, but which actually isn’t us. The reason we know all that isn’t
truly Self is because it keeps changing.
If you’re driving down the freeway and someone calls you on the
phone and asks, ‘Who are you?’ and you say, ‘I’m Exit 30,’ they will
say, ‘No, I didn’t ask where you are, I asked who are you.’ Then if
you say, ‘I told you, I’m Exit 30, but actually now I’m almost Exit 31,’
they would think that either you couldn’t hear them or that you had
gone crazy. We understand that Exit 30 or 31 is simply the
intersection of time and space that our vehicle has reached. That’s
where we are, but it’s not who we are.
If I say to you that I am forty-eight, female, white, American and
a sanyasi, all of that is true, none of it is a lie, and yet, it’s what we’ll
call the lowercase-t truth. It’s true at this exact intersection of time
and space. It’s my where , not my who . It’s not the capital-T Truth;
it’s just telling you the story of my vehicle and where it happens to
be at this exact intersection of time and space. But our True Self is
the Divine, the essence. This body is just the container. When we
connect with our True Self, what we have to do is sink beneath the
container. If we remain stuck on the container, we won’t get to the
essence.
If I pick up a glass of water and spend all my time marvelling at
how beautiful or ugly or solid or soft it is, it’s not going to quench
my thirst. In order to do that, I actually have to drink what’s inside.
There’s nothing wrong with admiring the beauty of the glass; it just
doesn’t do anything for my thirst. Similarly, there’s nothing wrong
with paying attention to our body vehicles—we’ve only got one, and
it’s a temple. If who we are is the Divine and the Divine lives in this
body vehicle, it means the vehicle is a temple. We have to take as
much care of it as we take care of our temples, our churches, our
synagogues, our mosques and wherever the Divine resides.
However, we shouldn’t confuse form for content, packaging for
essence.
Our True Self is the essence, the spirit. There are so many ways to
connect with it. One simple and easy way is through a meditation
practice called ‘neti, neti ’, which means, ‘not this, not this’. We begin
literally by saying, ‘I am not my orange saree, I am not my skin, I
am not my bones . . .’ Should anyone doubt this, we know it is true
because the skin keeps sloughing off but ‘I’ am still here. My bones
break, but I’m still here. Similarly, I’m not my blood—I could get a
blood transfusion, donate blood, but I’d still be here. I’m not my
organs—I could get a transplant, but I’d still be here. We then go
deeper and deeper, recognizing that all of the parts of our body
actually slough off or regenerate over a period of time. After every
eight or nine years, I am brand new! If there is any grudge that I
am holding on to over something that happened eight or nine years
ago, it did not happen to the I who exists today!
Then we go a little bit deeper, and we say, ‘Well, I’m also not my
emotions. I’m not my anger.’ The reason I know this is because I’m
not always angry. I may be angry way too frequently but I’m not
always angry. When I’m not angry, I don’t cease to exist. If I am my
anger, I would cease to exist when I’m not angry. I’m not even my
thoughts, because there’s a very small space in between my
thoughts, and in that space, I don’t evaporate. If I did, if I were my
thoughts and I ceased to exist even momentarily in between my
thoughts, who would think the next thought?
After a while, maybe something else will come to us. ‘I’m the child
of an alcoholic.’ No, because that child is not who I am any more. My
body has literally completely regenerated its cells since I was that
child, and if I believe in past lives, it wasn’t true in my last birth.
This way, we slowly go as deep as we can until there’s really
nothing else to remove. If we do this in a quiet, meditative place and
we allow ourselves to just sit there, peeling layer after layer, what
we find is this beautiful stillness, this beautiful experience.
So, we can discard everything that we identify with until we get to
what the Buddhists speak of as nothingness and the Hindus speak of
as everythingness, but which is the same experience of infinity.
Imagine, if I’ve got a glass jar of air and the jar breaks, what do I
have? On the one hand, you could say I have nothing as I no longer
have my jar of air. It broke, so I have nothing now. On the other
hand, you could say that the only thing that happened was I lost
that dividing line between my jar of air and all of the air, so now
actually I have all of the air instead of just one jar of the air. Neither
is right, neither is wrong; they are just two ways of looking at it, but
you’ll recognize that they actually take us to exactly the same place.
We all agree that we’re left with just air. And that’s the truth of who
you are. When the border and boundary dissolve, when the walls of
the container shatter, you realize you have always been the infinite,
you have always been consciousness, you have always been divine.
The last aspect of how we can stay connected to that Divine is
just in remembrance. There’s no magic formula, unfortunately. It
would be convenient if every time we forgot, we received this
infusion of remembrance and awakening. But we don’t have that.
What we have is just practice.
When you start meditating, you find that your mind wanders more
than its still, and your meditation feels like a process of doing
nothing but bringing your mind back. But then, slowly, the spaces in
between having to bring the mind back lengthen, and the mind
stays. You’re able to catch it faster and bring it back faster, and
slowly you’re able to accumulate lots of consecutive moments of
being there. This is what it’s like living within our True Self. It’s about
remembrance, about coming back. A mantra is a great life raft to
bring us back. Our breath is a great life raft to bring us back. They’re
techniques to bring us out of where we’ve gone and back into who
we are. And gradually, we keep living as that.
An integral aspect of staying connected is to remember not to
berate ourselves, because in this consciousness and acceptance of
the invitation to live with love and connection, it’s very important not
to leave ourselves out of the equation. Many of us are very
comfortable with connection, compassion, love, forgiveness and
seeing the Divine in all as a practice, as long as it relates to
everyone other than ourselves. It becomes very difficult when we
have to turn it back inward. And ironically, we further berate
ourselves for that: Oh my God, you are so stupid, look at that, you
forgot to be compassionate again. Here I am, criticizing myself for
not being compassionate to another. But where’s my compassion for
myself? We have to remember that as we work on staying
connected, it’s not just about being connected to God outside of us
and in those around us, but about being connected to God within us.
When we lose it, when we find ourselves disconnected, we have to
have that same compassion, love, understanding and presence for
our lowercase-s self that wandered off that we have for the world
around us.
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own personal share of credit for the good appearance of her
establishment, that even the children of the house have not
supposed that there is any particular will of hers in the matter,—it all
seems the natural consequence of having very good servants.
One phenomenon they had never seriously reflected on,—that,
under all the changes of the domestic cabinet which are so apt to
occur in American households, the same coffee, the same bread and
biscuit, the same nicely prepared dishes and neatly laid table always
gladdened their eyes; and from this they inferred only that good
servants were more abundant than most people had supposed. They
were somewhat surprised when these marvels were wrought by
professedly green hands, but were given to suppose that these
green hands must have had some remarkable quickness or aptitude
for acquiring. That sparkling jelly, well-flavored ice-creams, clear
soups, and delicate biscuits could be made by a raw Irish girl, fresh
from her native Erin, seemed to them a proof of the genius of the
race; and my wife, who never felt it important to attain to the
reputation of a cook, quietly let it pass.
For some time, therefore, after the inauguration of the new
household, there was trouble in the camp. Sour bread had appeared
on the table,—bitter, acrid coffee had shocked and astonished the
palate,—lint had been observed on tumblers, and the spoons had
sometimes dingy streaks on the brightness of their first bridal polish,
—beds were detected made shockingly awry,—and Marianne came
burning with indignation to her mother.
“Such a little family as we have, and two strong girls,” said she,
—“everything ought to be perfect; there is really nothing to do.
Think of a whole batch of bread absolutely sour! and when I gave
that away, then this morning another exactly like it! and when I
talked to cook about it, she said she had lived in this and that family,
and her bread had always been praised as equal to the baker’s!”
“I don’t doubt she is right,” said I. “Many families never have
anything but sour bread from one end of the year to the other,
eating it unperceiving, and with good cheer; and they buy also sour
bread of the baker, with like approbation,—lightness being in their
estimation the only virtue necessary in the article.”
“Could you not correct her fault?” suggested my wife.
“I have done all I can. I told her we could not have such bread,
that it was dreadful; Bob says it would give him the dyspepsia in a
week; and then she went and made exactly the same;—it seems to
me mere wilfulness.”
“But,” said I, “suppose, instead of such general directions, you
should analyze her proceedings and find out just where she makes
her mistake,—is the root of the trouble in the yeast, or in the time
she begins it, letting it rise too long?—the time, you know, should
vary so much with the temperature of the weather.”
“As to that,” said Marianne, “I know nothing. I never noticed; it
never was my business to make bread; it always seemed quite a
simple process, mixing yeast and flour and kneading it; and our
bread at home was always good.”
“It seems, then, my dear, that you have come to your profession
without even having studied it.”
My wife smiled, and said,—
“You know, Marianne, I proposed to you to be our family bread-
maker for one month of the year before you married.”
“Yes, mamma, I remember; but I was like other girls; I thought
there was no need of it. I never liked to do such things; perhaps I
had better have done it.”
“You certainly had,” said I; “for the first business of a housekeeper
in America is that of a teacher. She can have a good table only by
having practical knowledge, and tact in imparting it. If she
understands her business practically and experimentally, her eye
detects at once the weak spot; it requires only a little tact, some
patience, some clearness in giving directions, and all comes right. I
venture to say that your mother would have exactly such bread as
always appears on our table, and have it by the hands of your cook,
because she could detect and explain to her exactly her error.”
“Do you know,” said my wife, “what yeast she uses?”
“I believe,” said Marianne, “it’s a kind she makes herself. I think I
heard her say so. I know she makes a great fuss about it, and rather
values herself upon it. She is evidently accustomed to being praised
for her bread, and feels mortified and angry, and I don’t know how
to manage her.”
“Well,” said I, “if you carry your watch to a watchmaker, and
undertake to show him how to regulate the machinery, he laughs
and goes on his own way; but if a brother-machinist makes
suggestions, he listens respectfully. So, when a woman who knows
nothing of woman’s work undertakes to instruct one who knows
more than she does, she makes no impression; but a woman who
has been trained experimentally, and shows she understands the
matter thoroughly, is listened to with respect.”
“I think,” said my wife, “that your Bridget is worth teaching. She is
honest, well-principled, and tidy. She has good recommendations
from excellent families, whose ideas of good bread it appears differ
from ours; and with a little good-nature, tact, and patience, she will
come into your ways.”
“But the coffee, mamma,—you would not imagine it to be from
the same bag with your own, so dark and so bitter; what do you
suppose she has done to it?”
“Simply this,” said my wife. “She has let the berries stay a few
moments too long over the fire,—they are burnt, instead of being
roasted; and there are people who think it essential to good coffee
that it should look black, and have a strong, bitter flavor. A very little
change in the preparing will alter this.”
“Now,” said I, “Marianne, if you want my advice, I’ll give it to you
gratis:—Make your own bread for one month. Simple as the process
seems, I think it will take as long as that to give you a thorough
knowledge of all the possibilities in the case; but after that you will
never need to make any more,—you will be able to command good
bread by the aid of all sorts of servants; you will, in other words, be
a thoroughly prepared teacher.”
“I did not think,” said Marianne, “that so simple a thing required
so much attention.”
“It is simple,” said my wife, “and yet requires a delicate care and
watchfulness. There are fifty ways to spoil good bread; there are a
hundred little things to be considered and allowed for that require
accurate observation and experience. The same process that will
raise good bread in cold weather will make sour bread in the heat of
summer; different qualities of flour require variations in treatment,
as also different sorts and conditions of yeast; and when all is done,
the baking presents another series of possibilities which require
exact attention.”
“So it appears,” said Marianne, gayly, “that I must begin to study
my profession at the eleventh hour.”
“Better late than never,” said I. “But there is this advantage on
your side: a well-trained mind, accustomed to reflect, analyze, and
generalize, has an advantage over uncultured minds even of double
experience. Poor as your cook is, she now knows more of her
business than you do. After a very brief period of attention and
experiment, you will not only know more than she does, but you will
convince her that you do, which is quite as much to the purpose.”
“In the same manner,” said my wife, “you will have to give lessons
to your other girl on the washing of silver and the making of beds.
Good servants do not often come to us; they must be made by
patience and training; and if a girl has a good disposition and a
reasonable degree of handiness, and the housekeeper understands
her profession, she may make a good servant out of an indifferent
one. Some of my best girls have been those who came to me
directly from the ship, with no preparation but docility and some
natural quickness. The hardest cases to be managed are not of
those who have been taught nothing, but of those who have been
taught wrongly,—who come to you self-opinionated, with ways
which are distasteful to you, and contrary to the genius of your
housekeeping. Such require that their mistress shall understand at
least so much of the actual conduct of affairs as to prove to the
servant that there are better ways than those in which she has
hitherto been trained.”
“Don’t you think, mamma,” said Marianne, “that there has been a
sort of reaction against woman’s work in our day? So much has been
said of the higher sphere of woman, and so much has been done to
find some better work for her, that insensibly, I think, almost
everybody begins to feel that it is rather degrading for a woman in
good society to be much tied down to family affairs.”
“Especially,” said my wife, “since in these Woman’s-Rights
Conventions there is so much indignation expressed at those who
would confine her ideas to the kitchen and nursery.”
“There is reason in all things,” said I. “Woman’s-Rights
Conventions are a protest against many former absurd,
unreasonable ideas,—the mere physical and culinary idea of
womanhood as connected only with puddings and shirt-buttons, the
unjust and unequal burdens which the laws of harsher ages had cast
upon the sex. Many of the women connected with these movements
are as superior in everything properly womanly as they are in
exceptional talent and culture. There is no manner of doubt that the
sphere of woman is properly to be enlarged, and that republican
governments in particular are to be saved from corruption and
failure only by allowing to woman this enlarged sphere. Every
woman has rights as a human being first, which belong to no sex,
and ought to be as freely conceded to her as if she were a man,—
and first and foremost, the great right of doing anything which God
and Nature evidently have fitted her to excel in. If she be made a
natural orator, like Miss Dickenson, or an astronomer, like Mrs.
Somerville, or a singer, like Grisi, let not the technical rules of
womanhood be thrown in the way of her free use of her powers. Nor
can there be any reason shown why a woman’s vote in the state
should not be received with as much respect as in the family. A state
is but an association of families, and laws relate to the rights and
immunities which touch woman’s most private and immediate wants
and dearest hopes; and there is no reason why sister, wife, and
mother should be more powerless in the state than in the home. Nor
does it make a woman unwomanly to express an opinion by
dropping a slip of paper into a box, more than to express that same
opinion by conversation. In fact, there is no doubt, that, in all
matters relating to the interests of education, temperance, and
religion, the state would be a material gainer by receiving the votes
of women.
“But, having said all this, I must admit, per contra, not only a
great deal of crude, disagreeable talk in these conventions, but a too
great tendency of the age to make the education of women anti-
domestic. It seems as if the world never could advance, except like
ships under a head-wind, tacking and going too far, now in this
direction, and now in the opposite. Our common-school system now
rejects sewing from the education of girls, which very properly used
to occupy many hours daily in school a generation ago. The
daughters of laborers and artisans are put through algebra,
geometry, trigonometry, and the higher mathematics, to the entire
neglect of that learning which belongs distinctively to woman. A girl
cannot keep pace with her class, if she gives any time to domestic
matters; and accordingly she is excused from them all during the
whole term of her education. The boy of a family, at an early age, is
put to a trade, or the labors of a farm; the father becomes impatient
of his support, and requires of him to care for himself. Hence an
interrupted education,—learning coming by snatches in the winter
months or in the intervals of work. As the result, the females in our
country towns are commonly, in mental culture, vastly in advance of
the males of the same household; but with this comes a physical
delicacy, the result of an exclusive use of the brain and a neglect of
the muscular system, with great inefficiency in practical domestic
duties. The race of strong, hardy, cheerful girls, that used to grow
up in country places, and made the bright, neat, New England
kitchens of old times,—the girls that could wash, iron, brew, bake,
harness a horse and drive him, no less than braid straw, embroider,
draw, paint, and read innumerable books,—this race of women,
pride of olden time, is daily lessening; and in their stead come the
fragile, easily fatigued, languid girls of a modern age, drilled in book-
learning, ignorant of common things. The great danger of all this,
and of the evils that come from it, is that society by and by will turn
as blindly against female intellectual culture as it now advocates it,
and, having worked disproportionately one way, will work
disproportionately in the opposite direction.”
“The fact is,” said my wife, “that domestic service is the great
problem of life here in America; the happiness of families, their
thrift, well-being, and comfort, are more affected by this than by any
one thing else. Our girls, as they have been brought up, cannot
perform the labor of their own families, as in those simpler, old-
fashioned days you tell of; and what is worse, they have no practical
skill with which to instruct servants, and servants come to us, as a
class, raw and untrained; so what is to be done? In the present state
of prices, the board of a domestic costs double her wages, and the
waste she makes is a more serious matter still. Suppose you give us
an article upon this subject in your ‘House and Home Papers.’ You
could not have a better one.”
So I sat down, and wrote thus on
Servants and Service.
Many of the domestic evils in America originate in the fact, that,
while society here is professedly based on new principles which
ought to make social life in every respect different from the life of
the Old World, yet these principles have never been so thought out
and applied as to give consistency and harmony to our daily
relations. America starts with a political organization based on a
declaration of the primitive freedom and equality of all men. Every
human being, according to this principle, stands on the same natural
level with every other, and has the same chance to rise according to
the degree of power or capacity given by the Creator. All our civil
institutions are designed to preserve this equality, as far as possible,
from generation to generation: there is no entailed property, there
are no hereditary titles, no monopolies, no privileged classes,—all
are to be as free to rise and fall as the waves of the sea.
The condition of domestic service, however, still retains about it
something of the influences from feudal times, and from the near
presence of slavery in neighboring States. All English literature, all
the literature of the world, describes domestic service in the old
feudal spirit and with the old feudal language, which regarded the
master as belonging to a privileged class and the servant to an
inferior one. There is not a play, not a poem, not a novel, not a
history, that does not present this view. The master’s rights, like the
rights of kings, were supposed to rest in his being born in a superior
rank. The good servant was one who, from childhood, had learned
“to order himself lowly and reverently to all his betters.” When New
England brought to these shores the theory of democracy, she
brought, in the persons of the first pilgrims, the habits of thought
and of action formed in aristocratic communities. Winthrop’s Journal,
and all the old records of the earlier colonists, show households
where masters and mistresses stood on the “right divine” of the
privileged classes, howsoever they might have risen up against
authorities themselves.
The first consequence of this state of things was a universal
rejection of domestic service in all classes of American-born society.
For a generation or two, there was, indeed, a sort of interchange of
family strength,—sons and daughters engaging in the service of
neighboring families, in default of a sufficient working-force of their
own, but always on conditions of strict equality. The assistant was to
share the table, the family sitting-room, and every honor and
attention that might be claimed by son or daughter. When families
increased in refinement and education so as to make these
conditions of close intimacy with more uncultured neighbors
disagreeable, they had to choose between such intimacies and the
performance of their own domestic toil. No wages could induce a
son or daughter of New England to take the condition of a servant
on terms which they thought applicable to that of a slave. The
slightest hint of a separate table was resented as an insult; not to
enter the front-door, and not to sit in the front-parlor on state-
occasions, was bitterly commented on as a personal indignity.
The well-taught, self-respecting daughters of farmers, the class
most valuable in domestic service, gradually retired from it. They
preferred any other employment, however laborious. Beyond all
doubt, the labors of a well-regulated family are more healthy, more
cheerful, more interesting, because less monotonous, than the
mechanical toils of a factory; yet the girls of New England, with one
consent, preferred the factory, and left the whole business of
domestic service to a foreign population; and they did it mainly
because they would not take positions in families as an inferior
laboring-class by the side of others of their own age who assumed
as their prerogative to live without labor.
“I can’t let you have one of my daughters,” said an energetic
matron to her neighbor from the city, who was seeking for a servant
in her summer vacation; “if you hadn’t daughters of your own,
maybe I would; but my girls ain’t going to work so that your girls
may live in idleness.”
It was vain to offer money. “We don’t need your money, ma’am,
we can support ourselves in other ways; my girls can braid straw,
and bind shoes, but they ain’t going to be slaves to anybody.”
In the Irish and German servants who took the place of Americans
in families, there was, to begin with, the tradition of education in
favor of a higher class; but even the foreign population became
more or less infected with the spirit of democracy. They came to this
country with vague notions of freedom and equality, and in ignorant
and uncultivated people such ideas are often more unreasonable for
being vague. They did not, indeed, claim a seat at the table and in
the parlor, but they repudiated many of those habits of respect and
courtesy which belonged to their former condition, and asserted
their own will and way in the round, unvarnished phrase which they
supposed to be their right as republican citizens. Life became a sort
of domestic wrangle and struggle between the employers, who
secretly confessed their weakness, but endeavored openly to
assume the air and bearing of authority, and the employed, who
knew their power and insisted on their privileges. From this cause
domestic service in America has had less of mutual kindliness than in
old countries. Its terms have been so ill understood and defined that
both parties have assumed the defensive; and a common topic of
conversation in American female society has often been the general
servile war which in one form or another was going on in their
different families,—a war as interminable as would be a struggle
between aristocracy and common people, undefined by any bill of
rights or constitution, and therefore opening fields for endless
disputes. In England, the class who go to service are a class, and
service is a profession; the distance between them and their
employers is so marked and defined, and all the customs and
requirements of the position are so perfectly understood, that the
master or mistress has no fear of being compromised by
condescension, and no need of the external voice or air of authority.
The higher up in the social scale one goes, the more courteous
seems to become the intercourse of master and servant; the more
perfect and real the power, the more is it veiled in outward
expression,—commands are phrased as requests, and gentleness of
voice and manner covers an authority which no one would think of
offending without trembling.
But in America all is undefined. In the first place, there is no class
who mean to make domestic service a profession to live and die in.
It is universally an expedient, a stepping-stone to something higher;
your best servants always have something else in view as soon as
they have laid by a little money; some form of independence which
shall give them a home of their own is constantly in mind. Families
look forward to the buying of landed homesteads, and the scattered
brothers and sisters work awhile in domestic service to gain the
common fund for the purpose; your seamstress intends to become a
dress-maker, and take in work at her own house; your cook is
pondering a marriage with the baker, which shall transfer her toils
from your cooking-stove to her own. Young women are eagerly
rushing into every other employment, till female trades and callings
are all overstocked. We are continually harrowed with tales of the
sufferings of distressed needle-women, of the exactions and
extortions practised on the frail sex in the many branches of labor
and trade at which they try their hands; and yet women will
encounter all these chances of ruin and starvation rather than make
up their minds to permanent domestic service. Now what is the
matter with domestic service? One would think, on the face of it,
that a calling which gives a settled home, a comfortable room, rent-
free, with fire and lights, good board and lodging, and steady, well-
paid wages, would certainly offer more attractions than the making
of shirts for tenpence, with all the risks of providing one’s own
sustenance and shelter.
I think it is mainly from the want of a definite idea of the true
position of a servant under our democratic institutions that domestic
service is so shunned and avoided in America, that it is the very last
thing which an intelligent young woman will look to for a living. It is
more the want of personal respect toward those in that position than
the labors incident to it which repels our people from it. Many would
be willing to perform these labors, but they are not willing to place
themselves in a situation where their self-respect is hourly wounded
by the implication of a degree of inferiority which does not follow
any kind of labor or service in this country but that of the family.
There exists in the minds of employers an unsuspected spirit of
superiority, which is stimulated into an active form by the resistance
which democracy inspires in the working-class. Many families think
of servants only as a necessary evil, their wages as exactions, and
all that is allowed them as so much taken from the family; and they
seek in every way to get from them as much and to give them as
little as possible. Their rooms are the neglected, ill-furnished,
incommodious ones,—and the kitchen is the most cheerless and
comfortless place in the house. Other families, more good-natured
and liberal, provide their domestics with more suitable
accommodations, and are more indulgent; but there is still a latent
spirit of something like contempt for the position. That they treat
their servants with so much consideration seems to them a merit
entitling them to the most prostrate gratitude; and they are
constantly disappointed and shocked at that want of sense of
inferiority on the part of these people which leads them to
appropriate pleasant rooms, good furniture, and good living as mere
matters of common justice.
It seems to be a constant surprise to some employers that
servants should insist on having the same human wants as
themselves. Ladies who yawn in their elegantly furnished parlors,
among books and pictures, if they have not company, parties, or
opera to diversify the evening, seem astonished and half indignant
that cook and chambermaid are more disposed to go out for an
evening gossip than to sit on hard chairs in the kitchen where they
have been toiling all day. The pretty chambermaid’s anxieties about
her dress, the time she spends at her small and not very clear
mirror, are sneeringly noticed by those whose toilet-cares take up
serious hours; and the question has never apparently occurred to
them why a serving-maid should not want to look pretty as well as
her mistress. She is a woman as well as they, with all a woman’s
wants and weaknesses; and her dress is as much to her as theirs to
them.
A vast deal of trouble among servants arises from impertinent
interferences and petty tyrannical exactions on the part of
employers. Now the authority of the master and mistress of a house
in regard to their domestics extends simply to the things they have
contracted to do and the hours during which they have contracted to
serve; otherwise than this, they have no more right to interfere with
them in the disposal of their time than with any mechanic whom
they employ. They have, indeed, a right to regulate the hours of
their own household, and servants can choose between conformity
to these hours and the loss of their situation; but, within reasonable
limits, their right to come and go at their own discretion, in their
own time, should be unquestioned.
If employers are troubled by the fondness of their servants for
dancing, evening company, and late hours, the proper mode of
proceeding is to make these matters a subject of distinct contract in
hiring. The more strictly and perfectly the business matters of the
first engagement of domestics are conducted, the more likelihood
there is of mutual quiet and satisfaction in the relation. It is quite
competent to every housekeeper to say what practices are or are not
consistent with the rules of her family, and what will be inconsistent
with the service for which she agrees to pay. It is much better to
regulate such affairs by cool contract in the outset than by warm
altercations and protracted domestic battles.
As to the terms of social intercourse it seems somehow to be
settled in the minds of many employers that their servants owe them
and their family more respect than they and the family owe to the
servants. But do they? What is the relation of servant to employer in
a democratic country? Precisely that of a person who for money
performs any kind of service for you. The carpenter comes into your
house to put up a set of shelves,—the cook comes into your kitchen
to cook your dinner. You never think that the carpenter owes you
any more respect than you owe to him because he is in your house
doing your behests; he is your fellow-citizen, you treat him with
respect, you expect to be treated with respect by him. You have a
claim on him that he shall do your work according to your directions,
—no more. Now I apprehend that there is a very common notion as
to the position and rights of servants which is quite different from
this. Is it not a common feeling that a servant is one who may be
treated with a degree of freedom by every member of the family
which he or she may not return? Do not people feel at liberty to
question servants about their private affairs, to comment on their
dress and appearance, in a manner which they would feel to be an
impertinence, if reciprocated? Do they not feel at liberty to express
dissatisfaction with their performances in rude and unceremonious
terms, to reprove them in the presence of company, while yet they
require that the dissatisfaction of servants shall be expressed only in
terms of respect? A woman would not feel herself at liberty to talk to
her milliner or her dressmaker in language as devoid of
consideration as she will employ towards her cook or chambermaid.
Yet both are rendering her a service which she pays for in money,
and one is no more made her inferior thereby than the other. Both
have an equal right to be treated with courtesy. The master and
mistress of a house have a right to require respectful treatment from
all whom their roof shelters, but they have no more right to exact it
of servants than of every guest and every child, and they themselves
owe it as much to servants as to guests.
In order that servants may be treated with respect and courtesy, it
is not necessary, as in simpler patriarchal days, that they sit at the
family-table. Your carpenter or plumber does not feel hurt that you
do not ask him to dine with you, nor your milliner and mantua-
maker that you do not exchange ceremonious calls and invite them
to your parties. It is well-understood that your relations with them
are of a mere business character. They never take it as an
assumption of superiority on your part that you do not admit them
to relations of private intimacy. There may be the most perfect
respect and esteem and even friendship between them and you,
notwithstanding. So it may be in the case of servants. It is easy to
make any person understand that there are quite other reasons than
the assumption of personal superiority for not wishing to admit
servants to the family privacy. It was not, in fact, to sit in the parlor
or at the table, in themselves considered, that was the thing aimed
at by New England girls,—these were valued only as signs that they
were deemed worthy of respect and consideration, and, where freely
conceded, were often in point of fact declined.
Let servants feel, in their treatment by their employers, and in the
atmosphere of the family, that their position is held to be a
respectable one, let them feel in the mistress of the family the
charm of unvarying consideration and good manners, let their work-
rooms be made convenient and comfortable, and their private
apartments bear some reasonable comparison in point of
agreeableness to those of other members of the family, and
domestic service will be more frequently sought by a superior and
self-respecting class. There are families in which such a state of
things prevails; and such families, amid the many causes which unite
to make the tenure of service uncertain, have generally been able to
keep good permanent servants.
There is an extreme into which kindly disposed people often run
with regard to servants, which may be mentioned here. They make
pets of them. They give extravagant wages and indiscreet
indulgences, and, through indolence and easiness of temper, tolerate
neglect of duty. Many of the complaints of the ingratitude of servants
come from those who have spoiled them in this way; while many of
the longest and most harmonious domestic unions have sprung from
a simple, quiet course of Christian justice and benevolence, a
recognition of servants as fellow-beings and fellow-Christians, and a
doing to them as we would in like circumstances that they should do
to us.
The mistresses of American families, whether they like it or not,
have the duties of missionaries imposed upon them by that class
from which our supply of domestic servants is drawn. They may as
well accept the position cheerfully, and, as one raw, untrained hand
after another passes through their family, and is instructed by them
in the mysteries of good housekeeping, comfort themselves with the
reflection that they are doing something to form good wives and
mothers for the Republic.
The complaints made of Irish girls are numerous and loud; the
failings of green Erin, alas! are but too open and manifest; yet, in
arrest of judgment, let us move this consideration: let us imagine
our own daughters between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four,
untaught and inexperienced in domestic affairs as they commonly
are, shipped to a foreign shore to seek service in families. It may be
questioned whether as a whole they would do much better. The girls
that fill our families and do our house-work are often of the age of
our own daughters, standing for themselves, without mothers to
guide them, in a foreign country, not only bravely supporting
themselves, but sending home in every ship remittances to
impoverished friends left behind. If our daughters did as much for
us, should we not be proud of their energy and heroism?
When we go into the houses of our country, we find a majority of
well-kept, well-ordered, and even elegant establishments where the
only hands employed are those of the daughters of Erin. True,
American women have been their instructors, and many a weary
hour of care have they had in the discharge of this office; but the
result on the whole is beautiful and good, and the end of it,
doubtless, will be peace.
In speaking of the office of the American mistress as being a
missionary one, we are far from recommending any controversial
interference with the religious faith of our servants. It is far better to
incite them to be good Christians in their own way than to run the
risk of shaking their faith in all religion by pointing out to them the
errors of that in which they have been educated. The general purity
of life and propriety of demeanor of so many thousands of
undefended young girls cast yearly upon our shores, with no home
but their church, and no shield but their religion, are a sufficient
proof that this religion exerts an influence over them not to be lightly
trifled with. But there is a real unity even in opposite Christian
forms; and the Roman Catholic servant and the Protestant mistress,
if alike possessed by the spirit of Christ, and striving to conform to
the Golden Rule, cannot help being one in heart, though one go to
mass and the other to meeting.
Finally, the bitter baptism through which we are passing, the life-
blood dearer than our own which is drenching distant fields, should
remind us of the preciousness of distinctive American ideas. They
who would seek in their foolish pride to establish the pomp of
liveried servants in America are doing that which is simply absurd. A
servant can never in our country be the mere appendage to another
man, to be marked like a sheep with the color of his owner; he must
be a fellow-citizen, with an established position of his own, free to
make contracts, free to come and go, and having in his sphere titles
to consideration and respect just as definite as those of any trade or
profession whatever.
Moreover, we cannot in this country maintain to any great extent
large retinues of servants. Even with ample fortunes they are
forbidden by the general character of society here, which makes
them cumbrous and difficult to manage. Every mistress of a family
knows that her cares increase with every additional servant. Two
keep the peace with each other and their employer; three begin a
possible discord, which possibility increases with four, and becomes
certain with five or six. Trained housekeepers, such as regulate the
complicated establishments of the Old World, form a class that are
not, and from the nature of the case never will be, found in any
great numbers in this country. All such women, as a general thing,
are keeping, and prefer to keep, houses of their own.
A moderate style of housekeeping, small, compact, and simple
domestic establishments, must necessarily be the general order of
life in America. So many openings of profit are to be found in this
country, that domestic service necessarily wants the permanence
which forms so agreeable a feature of it in the Old World.
This being the case, it should be an object in America to exclude
from the labors of the family all that can, with greater advantage, be
executed out of it by combined labor.
Formerly, in New England, soap and candles were to be made in
each separate family; now, comparatively few take this toil upon
them. We buy soap of the soap-maker, and candles of the candle-
factor. This principle might be extended much further. In France no
family makes its own bread, and better bread cannot be eaten than
what can be bought at the appropriate shops. No family does its
own washing, the family’s linen is all sent to women who, making
this their sole profession, get it up with a care and nicety which can
seldom be equalled in any family.
How would it simplify the burdens of the American housekeeper to
have washing and ironing day expunged from her calendar! How
much more neatly and compactly could the whole domestic system
be arranged! If all the money that each separate family spends on
the outfit and accommodations for washing and ironing, on fuel,
soap, starch, and the other et ceteras, were united in a fund to
create a laundry for every dozen families, one or two good women
could do in first rate style what now is very indifferently done by the
disturbance and disarrangement of all other domestic processes in
these families. Whoever sets neighborhood laundries on foot will do
much to solve the American housekeeper’s hardest problem.
Finally, American women must not try with three servants to carry
on life in the style which in the Old World requires sixteen,—they
must thoroughly understand, and be prepared to teach, every
branch of housekeeping,—they must study to make domestic service
desirable, by treating their servants in a way to lead them to respect
themselves and to feel themselves respected,—and there will
gradually be evolved from the present confusion a solution of the
domestic problem which shall be adapted to the life of a new and
growing world.
X.
COOKERY.