"KISS, KISS, BANG, BANG"

(2005)

You'll.Never Die·In This Town Again

by

Shane Black

NOVEMBER Revisie.ris
November 21, 2003
 I stood upon a high place
And I saw, below, many deviis
Running, leaping,
And cavorting in sin.
One looked up, grinning,
And said, "Comrade! Brother!"
·stephen Crane

The entrance to the Denton Towers was

clogged with police cars and curiosity
seekers.
"Wonder what's wrong there?" Liddell
asked.
The cabby grunted. "Some dame probably
gave herself the deep six.. The joint's
full of kepties and every so often they
come out·of those windows like. leaves in
a rainstorm."
!
Frank Kane, BARE TRAP, 1954
 FADE IN:
ECU of PAPER; you can see the pulp texture.
Pause. • • Another shape appears, bright RED and huge.
A THUMBNAIL. CAMERAbegins, slowly, to pull back •••
A PEN POINT. It begins WRITING gracefully:
NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND
WHATI'M
GOINGTO DO TONIGHT. THAT'S OKAY.
Pulling back. Feminine a.ANDSnow, in view.

MY DECISION, HOWEVER,IS A RATIONAL,

COGNATIVEONE. . I CANNO LONGER
Stops. Finger taps the page thoughtfully. Reaches off
re-enters with a DICTIONARY. Flips through it.
COG-NI-TIVE, adj.
She scratches out the word COGNATIVE. COGNITIVE in its
place. Sets aside the dictionary. Continues:
I CAN NO LONGERPERSERVERE. IT MAY
COMFORT MY FATHERTO KNOWTHATMY SUICIDE
Grabs the dictionary. Flips through ••• PERSEVERE, v.
PERSERVEREwrong; PERSEVERE, that's got it .••
TO KNOWTHATMY SUICIDE IS DUE
ONLYPARTIALLYTO HIM.
A pause, then, as an afterthought:
YOUTHINK I'M STUPID, DADDYBUT I'M NOT
BLACKSCREEN. Pause. • • then we SUPER:
DAY ONE - 'l'ROOBLBIS MY BUSINESS
EXT. HOLLYWOOD
HILLS - NIGHT
The CAMERAroams the canyons west. Starts high in the
night air. DIPS toward the road, free-falling •••
Whooooosh •• ! Falls into line, alongside fast-moving
CARS, all rushing uphill ••• To an opulent HOUSE.
LIMOS rolling in, as we HEAR:
 2.

N.ARRATOR (V.O.)
It·' s haro to believe it was· just last
Christmas that .me and Harmony changed the
world. We didn't mean to; and it didn't
last long -- a thing like that can't.
(beat)
Thanks for.coming. I guess you'd call
this a detective story; there are dull
parts, but there's a.murder in it. Also
a broken heart so I guess it's a love
story. Oh, and everything's connected,
it all loops back around, it's cool. My.
name's Harry Lockhart, I'll be your
narrator. Welcome to L.A. Welcome to
the party.
INT. HOUSE- LAVISH ENTRYWAY
- NIGHT
Camera descends, huge GALAin·progress. Wall to wall
money. Two JUNIOR }\GENTSgo by, deep in debate:
ICM TYPE
Okay, you can own any film; you want STAR
WAAS? You can have it -- exact movie,
everything's 100%·the same -- except in
the middle, Yoda points and says, "Luke,
you dumbfuck! Quit dick.in' around and
pay attention." Then it goes back to
normal. Rest of the movie, exactly the
~- Would you invest •• ?
AN ALMOSTHANDSOME MANenters, dressed a tad shabby,
sports the only tie he owns; welcome HARRY, our narrator.
HARRY(V. 0. )
That's me: Harry. Now that I'm in L.A.,
I go to parties -- the kind where i~ a
girl is named Jill she spells it J-Y-L~L-
1
E, that bullshit. .

Before he's ten feet in, a tricked-out BLONDEapproaches:·

BLONDE
Hi. What do you do for a living?
No preamble; just like that. Harry smiles:
HARRY
I invented dice.
BLONDE
Oh.
 . 3.

HARRY
And you •• ?·

The blonde shrugs. Says off-handedly~

BLONDE
I do a little acting.
FLASH: THE BLONDE, NAKEDatop Andrew Stevens. She looks
up, SHRIEKS--! A CREATURE swipes a CLAW at her. A bad
replica of her HEADblasts through a glass WINDOW.
BACK TO SCENE: The blonde smiles. Pause, then:
BLONDE
I'm gonna see who else is here.
She walks away. He watches her go. Shifts his gaze --
LOCATESTWO MEN ·in the crowd. One' s portly. sucks on· a
cigarette, then glares at it like it just made him angry.
The other is trim, wide-shouldered.
HARRY (V .O.)
Guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw, my
producer; he "discovered" me. The man
walking with him is Perry van Shrike, AKA
Gay Perry; honest-to-God private eye,
consults in film, TV, Just incorporated,
he's big time.· Also he's gay.
Producer Shaw and Gay Perry wander.near another, OBVIOUS
GAYMAN (Perry is not obvious, F.Y.I,) and overhear:
OBVIOUSLYGAYMAN
.•• I said I wished I was Queen
Elizabeth, and he goes, noh, baby, you
sure you want to be a virgin Qµeen •• ?"
SHAW
{shakes his head)
All these gay stories. Christ •.
GAYPERRY
Scares you, that. sort of talk ••• ?
SHAW
Don't start, Perry~ Look, I seen you
play ball, I know you're tough, it's
just ••• you see a guy's wally, your brain
goes to, "I wanna grab that, for me,11

see, that's ..• that's a real lea~ •

(MORE)

../
 4.
SHAW(cont'd}
It's like, "Hey, an elephant -- Quick,
let's use its blood to paint my
boathouse." Not the first thing you
think of.
BACKWITH HARRY: He discovers a VAST ROOM-- 300 people.
HARRY(V .O.)
L.A. -- By now, you may wonder how i
wound up here ••• or maybe not, maybe you
wonder how Silly Putty picks shit up from
comic books, point is, I don't see
another Goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
How'd I get here? See for yourself.
CUT TO Bl.ACK. Pause ••• then, over black we SUPER:
HARRY

INT. STORE 2000 MILES AWAY-- EVENING

TOY STORE. The east Village, Manhattan. The interior is

hushed, dark. Closed for business.
An idea which seems lost on HARRYLOCKHART. He pushes a
TRAM, heaped with toys he's stealing. Nearby, his pal
RICHIE BAUER; similarly engaged .
Harry's on a CEL PHONE. Speaking in hushed tones:
HARRY
Look, I'm going nuts here •. Say it again,
I must be missing something •••
YOUNGGIRL (O.S.)
Cyber-Agent: C-Y-B -- look, why don't you
ask, like, an employee or something?
· HARRY
They're all busy. Hahl Here. .'

Shines his light on a doll: PROTOCOP- Protector of Man.

HARRY
Protocop. is that it .• ? Protector of
Man, he protects men.
YOUNGGIRL (O.S.)
Dad. Look up. Is there a sign •. ?
Harry shifts the beam upward, sees: BARGAINBIN •
 5.

YOUNGGIRL (O.S.)
That show was cancelled two years ago.
Just ask a -- wait, are they·eveh open?
HARRY
Holiday hours. Look, I gotta go, I'll
find it --
ANOTHERANGLE- ON JUNCTIONBOX
We see the security system has been RE-ROUTED. Alligator
clips, bridging the circuit. Nice work --
Until a BUS GOES.BY outside. . Wall, vibrating. • • One of
the clips POPS free.
EXT. TOY STORE - NIGHT
A BURGLARALARM,ringing •. Continuous. HARRYand RICHIE
come bolting out of the store. Feet pounding.
SIRENS, now, as prowl cars respond to the call.
BAUER
Shit! Shit!
The men pitch forward into a big HEDGE. Crash through.
Into a courtyard, into someone's PARTY. BAUERpulls out
A HANDGUN. Waves it like a wand. People evaporate.
HARRY
PUT THAT THING AWAY.
BAUER
It's not loaded, we should load it--
. HARRY
We're not shooting anyone. Go right.

INT. DARKENED ROOM- SAME

LAUNDRY
Harry kicks the door, SPLINTERS it. They race inside.
Pull up short, sucking air. Harry shuts the door.
HARRY
We're good. We're not going down, hear
me? Richie. Hey. You with me •• ?
A VOICE rings out:
VOICE (O. S.)
FREEZE.·
 6.

It stops them cold. They turn as one --

BAUER
Oh, for Chrissakes.
It's a middle-aged.SOCIETY. WOMAN. In an EVENING GOWN.
Holding a GLOCKPISTOL.
HARRY
Ma'am ••• look, we •.• we didn't do
anything, we're not dangerous
BAUERlooks down: his own GUN, in plain sight
BAUER
Right! Look, ··see? It's not . even loaded.
He a.natches it up to SHOWher
HARRY
Richie, NO!
Bang--! Her gunshot passes THROUGH
HARRY'S ARM.
Kills his friend. BAUERcollapses •
Echo, dying away. Harry, in shock. Looks at his pierced
arm. Looks at his.buddy -- a cut-string puppet.
HARRY
You bitch •• !
13 THROWSthe gun. Just cioes it, without thinking. She 13
DUCKS
••• He finds the WINDOW. Takes a running start --
EXT. SIDE YARD
. I
,Comes out, an explosion of glass. Hits, rolls. -- Comes
up rurming as the NEXT SHOT·blows splinters from a tree.
A POLICE CAR
Comes squawling .around the corner. Fuck. Harry flings
himself down an alley. The night, ALIVE with sirens.
He runs, breath sawing in and out. Rips off hfs jacket.
Doesn't break stride, wraps his bleeding arm.
' '

UP AHEAD: People, milling outside a doorway. Sipping

coffee. 'AA meeting on break? He slows to a brisk walk.
BEHINDHIM, a prowl car rounds the corner .
 7.

He's got 10 seconds. Nods to the group ahead. Hi, how

are you, I'm so fucking nonchalant, makes a production of
YAWNING,ho-hum, hope they catch that fugitive --
Ducks into the building, fast. Jacket,. masking his
wound. A POLICE SPOTLIGHTstabs into the foyer, shit •. !
Harry picks a door, any door. Goes through it, FAST --
INT. ROOM
A tidy office. THREE PEOPLE look up, surprised --
At Harry, sweating. Going into shock. His face twitches
and there's blood where Bauer SPRAYEDhim.
AN ELDERLYWOMAN
(frowns disapproval)
Sir, that's the wrong door. Please go
back out and wait with the others --
One portly man is studying Harry ••• abruptly interrupts:
MAN
Grace, I'd say this guy's ready to go.
Doesn't he look ready to go?
We recognize DABNEYSHAW, the producer from before. He
smiles encouragingly. Harry, bewildered -- What's going
on, don't they notice he can barely stand up •• ?
EXT. BUILDING - SAME TIME

The POLICE CRUISER stops; a COP gets out, scans faces as

INT. OFFICE - BACKWITH HARRY
The seated trio watches, expectantly -- Harry's got.paper
in his hand. Gunshot wound, hidden. Blinks. Swallows.
Incredibly, begins to do an ACTING SCENE with the woman.
ELDERLYWOMAN
Where is he, where's Rafael?
Harry, shaking. Breathing hard. Reads:
HARRY
Um••• beat on me all night. You want me
to give up my client, you can go spit.
Harry is swaying. Close to blacking out. Jaw clenched,
We hear the COP, now. Outside the door~
 8.

ELDERLYWOMAN
Quit acting like the goodguy, jerkoff.
You got your partner killed.
Harry looks up, startled. Recovers, looks down --
. It's there. In the Goddamn script~ He swallows hard.
ELDERLYWOMAN
He was in over his head, you knew it.
You pulled that trigger. YOU killed him.
Harry leaps, SLAMShis fist on the desk. The casting
people jump -- He's delirious. Reality and fiction BLUR.
HARRY
I didn't kill him, he ••• he wanted in ••.
At which point, Harry begins to cry •. Wracking sobs.
HARRY
Why. • • Why' d he.. • • have to come in on it~
told him to stay home... • Stupid son of a
bitch. • • Shoulda been me, I killed him •• !
(breaks down, hugging himself)
.•. I'm sorry .•. I'm sorry .•.
Silence. Casting people, staring. Harry sobbing. THE
COP throws open the door, hand on his holster --
COP
Oh, wow, sorry.
(to Harry, lamely)
Good luck.
He leaves. The casting people look at Harry. At each
other. SHAWhas a gleam in his eye. Whispers:
SHAW
This tape goes in the L.A pouch. And get
me Gay Perry on the line, will you •• ?
He draws deep on his cigar ••. CUT BACKTO PRESENT DAY:
INT. OPULENTHOUSE- LOS .ANGELES- PARTY STILL RAGING
HARRY, looking thoroughly out of place. Reaching for a
fork, his tie in the tomato sauce, we HEAR: ·
HARRY (V.O.)
Now they're screen-testing me, is that
wild? Anyway, that's how I got here •
(beat)

• (MORE)
 9.

HARRY(V.O.) (cont'd)
Now, Harmony -- different story, she was
destined to be here. That's her, by the
way, at the fireplace. Harmony Faith
Lane; IQ: 1_66. Job: Actress. Go figure.
New character -- our focus shifts to A WOMAN at the
fireplace. Alternately eating pizza, sipping coffee.
A predatory ICM TYPE listens, impatient, as she RANTS
· with a surprising fierceness:
HARMONY
••• yes, racist. I'm serious. Look, the
other reindeer laugh at him. They scorn
him -- then, out of the blue, they NEED
him for something, he's good as a
fucking .•• foglight, or whatever, so tell
me, how's that any different from, 'Don't
talk to Reggie, he's black. Oh, wait, he
can play basketball? Sign him .up!'
{yawns) .
Sorry. Worked a double shift, then
catered. Go ahead, ask me why I'm here.
God knows. Rudolph, we teach it to kids,
little kids. Hah. Want some coffee?
She gets up to fetch some, he never gets in a word .
CUT TO BLACK-- Pause •.• then SUPER:
HARMONY
HARRY (V .O.)
Most people would say Harmony got to the
party because of the stuff with the
robot. I'll get to that -- but for me?
The robot, uh-uh -- I'd go back a bit
farther~ Like I said, destiny.
CARNIVAL, CIRCA 197a - DAYTIME
EXT•. BACKYARD.
HARMONY, AGE 7: We're on her face. In the b.g., a sign:
Haroldthe Great, it reads sideways. Now the tricky
camera ROTATES45 degrees: the SIGN, no longer sideways. --
She's lying FLAT, encased by a paintedwooden BOX. Head
out one end, shoes the other. Big SMILE.••
HARMONY
Harold, use your awesome might-~ Save me
from this hopeless plight!
 10.

HAROLDTHE GREAT, age 9, nods to an OLDERKID: This kid

in turn revs a CHAINSAW,starts cutting through the box •
HARRY (V.O.)
She found her vocation early in life.
Chainsaw, ROARING. HAROLDflicks his WAND, intones:
HAROLD
Alakazaaaam----1
Harmony starts to SCREAM.
SHRIEKING. Writhing in agony. Tears streaming. Harold
stares dumbly. The kid with the saw, horrified~-
Chaos. ADULTSconverge on the scene. Harmony is
twitching. In shock. Her DAD leaps to the stage •. Grips
the lid, HEAVESOPEN THE.BOX. Eyes wide, staring --
Harmony is unmarked. Unscathed. She looks at her
father. Looks at Harold, solemnly says:
·HARMONY·
I'm going to be an actress.
She has time to smile before Daddy's BACKHAND
erases it •
INT. BEDROOM
- NIGUT
Harmony reads to sick MOM,. who lies in bed, beautific •.•
HARRY (V.O.)
Papa felt her slipping away ••. he blamed
her school, her friends ••• truth is, the
culprit was right down the hall; that's
right, Harmony's role model, growing up.
Her hero, her best friend~-
(move in on Morn)
Huh •• ? No, not her. Him•
Whoops--! The camera breezes PAST MOM ... stops on the
BOOKCOVER. . A steely-eyed MANeyeballs us. . . The Title:
You'llNever Die In This TownAgain - A Jonny Gossamer Th.tiller
HARMONY .
"'Go·to hell, Jonny Gossamer,' she told
me. She'd poured herself into a seamless
dress. From the look of it she'd spilled
some. 'Lady,' I said, 'Where I live,
it's not much of a commute ••• '"
 11.

HARRY (V. O.)

Jonny offered salvation; he spoke from.
the pages of cheap paperbacks, and told
of a promised land ••. called Los Angeles.
ECO: SILLY PUTTY - PEELED FROMA BOOKCOVER
JONNYGOSSAMER'Simage, unspooling before us, as --
EXT. FRONTPORCH- NIGHTTIME
HARMONY displays the putty to her SISTER JENNA, age 6.
Jenna grins -- BOUNCESit, watches it soar sky high •..
TIME CUT: BEDROOM
- LATE NIGHT
Separate beds. HARMONY
and JENNA; both asleep.
HARRY ( V. 0. )
She wished he was real, prayed he would
come to Indiana --
POV HARMONY: The sliver of LIGHT underneath the bedroom
door. Suddenly eclipsed by a SHADOW.
HARRY (V .o.}
. •. To save little sister Jenna --.who
Papa wouldn't leave alone.
· HAF.MONY, IN THE DARK, NOW

Staring numbly. Her sister's bed is now empty.

Outside the door, Papa's retreating footfalls. CUT TO:
EXT. FRONTLAWN- IN THE GRASS
Papa turns on an .upstairs LAMP, light STABS DOWNWARD
Illuminates the SILLY PUTTY••• Jenny's rugged face.
N9w hideously distorted, twisted. Looking up •••
Helpless to interfere.
. HARRY (V .o.)
After Mom died, the girls were bundled
off to Foster Care -- g·ood news for
Jenna.
(beat)
Not long after that, Harmony skipped.
FLASH TO: A BUS, TOOLINGDOWNI-79.
Inside, Harmony -- now a TEENAGER-- sleeps fitfully, a
Jonny Gossamer book in her lap. Her eyelid twitches •
 12.

HARRY (V .O.)
On the bus to L.A., she had a nightmare;
in it, her running away made the Foster
parents so mad that they gave her sister
back to Papa. Harmony woke up
sweating •.• then decided that this
couldn't happen, not in a good world
where heroes existed.
(beat)
She didn't stop the bus.
BACKTO THE PRESENT: PARTYHOUSE- HALLWAY
- NIGHT.
HARMONY, exhausted. She ambles along, sipping coffee.
Stops to admire a set of ·walnut bookshelves
HARRY ( V • O • )
And that's how she got to the same party
as me. Now, back to our sto --
The ONSCREENIMAGE abruptly FREEZES. Harry swears:·
HARRY (V. O.)
Shit, I skipped something. Dammit! The
whol·e robot bit, I make a big deal, and
then I, like, totally forget. Fuck .
This is bad narrating. Like my Dad
telling a joke, "Oh, wait! Back up, I
forgot to tell you, the cowboy rode a
blue horse." Fuck. Anyway, I don't even
know if you wanna see it now, but here's
the fucking robot·stuff, for your viewing
pleasure. I'm gonna look for something
else to fuck up. Can I say fuck more?
INT. NICHOLS CANYONGUEST HOUSE- BEDROOM
- NIGHT
HARMONY,age 34; splayed across the bed. Reading.
•In the background, the blue flicker of late-nite TV.

ANNOUNCER { ON TV)
Now back to PROTOCOP,starring Jeff Neal.
ANGLEON TV -- PROTOCOPblows holes in drug dealers.
Harmony looks up at the screen for a moment.
She puts aside her book ••• reaches for the TV remote and
that's when she hears the loud THUMP.
Her head snaps upward, alert -- CRASH! No mistake this
time. Breaking glass. She snatches up a wooden BAT•
 13.

Meanwhile, no HINT of caution by the intruder. CLUMPING

footsteps. Ponderous. Harmony inches down the hall •••
Reaches a corner. Hazards a look --
SENSE DEPARTS. Fish grow wings; the Cubs win it in four.
PROTOCOP, PROTECTOROF MAN-- all six-five of him.
Pneumatic joints. Robot HEAD, swiveling. Impossible.
His back is to her. She darts a look at her bedroom:
TV SCREEN -- PROTOCOP. Someone's throwing acid on him.
Returns her gaze to the kitchen
Can't be real; she says, as the crimefighter bumps her
cookie jar to the floor, where it SHATTERS--
And that's when it gets REALLYweird. The robot bends,
joints clicking ••• Starts to eat the cookies. He's
brought cheap WINE to wash them down. Enough is enough:
HARMONY
HEY, YOU! FREEZE!!

The behemoth reacts, STARTLED-! Stands. WHACKShis head

on a cabinet. Lurches drunkenly onto the BALCONY--
Slips on a coiled HOSE. Crashes through the flimsy
railing. Silence ••• followed by a distant THUD.
CUT TO: VIDEO FOOTAGE- $LIGHTLY GRAINY
Flashing lights. Crime scene tape. A REPORTERdoes a
stand-up, breath pluming in the chill air:·
REPORTER(TO CAMERA)
••• sources close to N:eal, who has not.
worked as an actor in two years, said he
seemed despondent earlier tonight, during
a re-run of PROTOCOP. The actor, who ·
retains the costume he wore on the.show,
allegedly dressed up, stumbled down the
canyon road, and wandered into this
Hollywood Hills guest house~-
(points behind him)
-- where aspiring actresss Harmony Faith
Lane was shocked to discover him.·
ANGLEON HARMONY
- VIDEO INTERVIEW
 14.

HARMONY
I.' d jog by, "hi, hello, 11 that kind of
thing ••• I feel for the guy, it's like •••
it's like this city can't get enough of
messing with people; like putting a·
whoopie cushion on the seat o·f the
electric chair. Like that.
PULL BACK-- from a 52-inch.SCREEN. WIDEN to reveal a
paneled OFFICE .•• Producer DABNEYSHAWlooks up briefly
SHAW.
Huh. Those are some tits.
(to his assistant))
Find out who she is, invite her to
something.
HARRY (V .O.)
And there .it was. Destiny, bingo.
BACKTO THE PRESENT: PARTY HOUSE- HALLWAY
- NIGHT
HARMONY,exactly where we left her. Admiring BOOKS.
Having coffee. Starts to turn away. Turns back, blinks:
HER POV: It's the Jonny Gossamer books. All of them •
She can scarcely believe it.· Reverently withdraws the
titles, one by one from the. shelf, scanning covers .••

Small Town Boy Makes Dead * little Girl Lust * Die Job
She shuffles off, still clutching a book ••• CUT TO:.
INT. BEDROOM
- SAME
FLOP. Harmony hits the bed. Two days, no sleiep. She
drowses off ••• book slipping from slack fingers.
Lies, skirt hiked, hip laid bare. Party noise,
continuous~ The door opens
The ICM TYPE we saw earlier peers in. Debates, if only
briefly Enters. Shuts the door behind him.
Stands over her. Puts a hand on her thigh, squeezes ••••
VOICE (O.S.)
You'd better be her doctor •

_/
 15.

The guy spins around, caught -- HARRYstands framed in

the doorway. Big as life. Eyes flat. Cold •
HARRY
Walk away. Don't think. Just do it.
ICM TYPE
Why? What are you, her brother or
something •• ? ·. This is none of your
business. I'll fuck you up, man.
HARRY
No. You'll try, and that little
experiment will end in tears, my friend.
The guy stares at him. Makes no move to leave.
HARRY
Again, for the cheap seats -- do not
THINK.. Walk. • • the fuck. • • away. Or
let's you and me go outside, but it's
past my bedtime, MPuCE .A CHOICE.
Eyes flat. Dead. Other guy thoroughly unnerved, CUT TO:
EXT. LAWN- NIGHT
Harry gets the shit beat out of him •
The ICM guy has him on the ground. Harry curled up in a
defensive ball ••• The guy WAILING ON HIM. over and over.
The guy spits on Harry. Walks back inside the house.
Harry kneels, sucking air. A shadow falls across him
GAY PERRY reaches out, helps him to his feet.
HARRY
Thanks.·.. One of these days, buddy.·.?
I'm gonna actually learn how to fight.
POV - HARRY: He sees HARMONY,stagger to a car. Gets in,
as the ICM type hops behind the wheel, roars off •.•
GAY PERRY ---
You okay, man? Want some peroxide •• ?
HARRY
Nah. Thanks, though.
GAYPERRY
(extends a hand)
Perry van Shrike. ·.
 16.

HARRY
Harry Lockhart. Whoa, wait a: minute, I
heard about you, um, the whatchamacallit,
the consultant, you must be --
(stops himself)
urn, I mean .••
GAYPERRY
Gay Perry?
HARRY
(feigns ignorance)
Oh! Right, right, ha, ha. Dabney calls·
you that. You guys must be old buddies.
GAY PERRY
Five years now.
HARRY
Five years, wow. You still gay?
GAYPERRY
No, I'm hip-deep in pussy, I just liked
the name so much I couldn't change it.
INT. SPACIOUS KITCHEN - SAME
Harry winces as Perry applies peroxide to the cut lip.
GAYPERRY
Dabney wants you to take detective
lessons.
HARRY
Corne again?
GAY PERRY
He's into this "method" thing, says you
are, tob. Hold still ••• - 1

(daubs beneath Harry's eye)

Tomorrow I got a surveillance, you game?
HARRY
Surveillance. Who's the guy, like, a
crimelord or something? ·
GAYPERRY
Please. I'm guessing a sad, lonely
little man who singlehandedly haunts his
own house up in the hills.
Harry stares -- whistles.softly:
 17.

HARRY
Wow. That was incredibly gay.
Just then the HOST happens by,. double-takes at Harry:
DEXTER
Good·God --
HARRY
You should see the other guy.
GAY PERRY
Harry, I'd like yo~ to meet Harlan
Dexter. our generous host.
DEXTER
Ah, of course! You're Dabney's golden
boy. From back east. I hope it isn't
past your bedtime.
HARRY
No, sir. Mom used to say I had the neon
disease. When the neon lights came on,
I'd wake up.
DEXTER
I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted. My
daughter lived 10 years in Paris, says
it's heaven for the vampire set --
SUDDENLY,everything FREEZES. The film comes to a.
screeching STOP. Folks suspended, mid-sentence, we HEAR--
HARRY (V. O.)
Okay, I apologize. That is a terrible
scene; it's like, why was that in the
movie, gee, you think it'll COMEBACK
LATER,. MAYBE? I hate that, a TV's on,
talking about the new power plant, hrnmm,
wonder where the climax will happen; or
the shot of the cook in HUNTFOR RED
OCTOBER. So anyhow, sorry.
THE MOVIE RESUMES. Dexter sees a mammoth CAKE go by:
Happy Birthday Ronnie, it pinkly proclaims.
DEXTER
Excuse me, apparently, I'm to help cut
this monstrosity.
Dexter leads it OUTSIDE, where a generic L.A. blonde
shrieks, gives Daddy. a big old hug ••. Perry scowls:
 18 •

GAYPERRY
Mom's gone; now it's just him and his
little born-again bundle of joy.
HAARY·
Precious.
GAY PERRY
Isn't it, though?
(chuckles)
Three months ago she was prosecuting him,
· he called her a cunt. Welcome to L.A.
HARRY (V .o.)
More exposition, please. Christ, we're
really shoveling it.
EXT. VALETAREA - NIGHT

The valets are. busy chasing some DEER out of the road
as HARRY& GAY PERRYwait for their cars.
HARRY
••• That girl tonight, man, I'm tellin'
you, she had this • • • guali ty, like •.•
like the girl in high school, you know
the one you never could have? The one
still haunts you .• ?
GAY PERRY
I had that . Bobby Mills •.
Harry makes a lemon face; Perry tips the valet, gets in
his car. Harry, trying lamely for camraderie --
HARRY.
You should, um, track him down. I aot ·
five bucks says you could still get 1 him.
I

GAY PERRY
That's funny.· I got a ten, says, "Pass
the pepper. " And a couple quarters, do
harmony on "Moonlight in Vermont."
HARRY
Huh?

GAY PERRY·
Talking money.
HARRY
A talking monkey?
 19.

GAYPERRY
Yes, a talking monkey. Ugly sucker.
Traveled here from the future, only says
"ficus." Detective lessons, tomorrow.
Don't forget.
{starts to pull away, stops)
Oh, and Harry, your girl •• ? I know her,
she did some work for me. You might try
the Domino Room.
With that, he roars off down the sloping drive -- CUT TO:
FINGERS ON A KEYBOARD. An upbeat riff ushers us into:
INT. THE DOMINOROOM- NIGHT.
HARRYenters the bar. Orients himself. Eyes, roving ••.
AnABUNDANTLY-BREASTEDGIRL comes up to him:
GIRL
Hey, there. I'm Flicka.
HARRY
Hey.
GIRL
What do you do?
Again the question. Harry blinks.
HARRY·
I'm a private detective. You?
GIRL
Stewardess.
(pause, then:}
Nice to meet you. 'Bye.
Wanders off. Easy come, easy go. He scans the crowd
THERE. Harmony. At the bar. No sign of the asshole
from before. Instead, a semi-attractive female FRIEND.
As he watches, the FRIEND heads for the bathroom.
Harmony alone, bingo he ambles up, trying for slick:
HARRY
'Evening. I'm Harry.
He winces, makes a show of rubbing his shoulder .
 20.

HARRY
Mrnmm. Sore~
(cracks his neck)
I .mean physically, not, you know·, like a
guy who's angry in the 1950 's.
(beat) ·
I'm visiting from New York. Um, I think
I saw you at a party, couple hours ago •• ?
She doesn't look up. Sips her drink, says:
HARMONY
Why?
HARRY
Why what?
HARMONY
Why me? .Seriously, how about that girl
sitting over there, look, she's very
pretty.
HARRY
Which one?
HARMONY
On the left. Next to bald Kevin Costner.
Indicates a bald guy. Looks vaguely like Kevin.Costner.
HARRY
Jesus, that's reaching. Um, look, I'm
interrupting, I feel badly, at least let
me buy you a-- ·
HARMONY
Bad.
HARRY
Bad. Urn, what's--?
HARMONY
You feel bad. Badly Is an adverb, so to
"feel badly" would be saying that the
mechanism which allows you to feel is
broken.
HARRY
Well, then.
( clears his throat).
That girl over.there, you said •• ?
 21.

HARMONY
Which way you lookin' •• ?
(shakes her head)
Nix,·nix, that's the blonde; blonde;s
pathetic.
HARRY
Pathetic, I see. Because •• ?
HARMONY
Well, for starters, she's been fucked
.more times than she's had hot meals.
HARRY
Right~ I heard about that, it was neck
and neck, then she skipped lunch --
HARMONY
.Worst thing, though •• ?
HARRY
Do tell.
HARMONY
Worst thing is she'· s 35 years old,• still
trying to~. I see her in auditions;
It's over~ baby, you missed. Get a clue •
HARRY
That's charitable of you.
(beat)
Mind if I ask how old you are?
HARMONY
Go for it.
HARRY
Okay. Bow old are you?
HARMONY
Thirty-four.
(chews ice}
I'm a baby.
She grins. Upends her glass.
HARRY
Where's your buddy? The guy you left the
party with?
 22 •

HARMONY
Fucking asshole. I just needed a ride.
(eats peanuts)
Sorry. I swear a lot. Did you know the
host? I didn't. He looked really
familiar, though. Probably an actor.
Before he can reply, the FRIEND returns.
FEMALEFRIEND
Buzz, buzz. Go away, Mister fly.
HARRY
I'm talking to your friend here.
FEMALEFRIEND.
Yeah, well, she doesn't wanna talk to
you. Leave.
HARRY
Easy, Sunshine, I'll have her back to you
in a miriute.
FEMALEFRIEND
She doesn't have a minute •
He starts to retort -- bites it back. What's the point?
HARRY
If you .change your mind about that drink,
I'll be over there with old Timothy
Hutton.
Harmony glances over-~ blurts a LAUGH. Can't help it,
he's spot-on. Harry gestures to the bartender to cover
the girls' drinks. Debates which credit card to use --
I
HARMONY
grabs his. VISA card. Makes it dance on the bar:
I

HARMONY
Pick me, pick me!
(deep bass voice:)
No, pick l!lla! ·
She grabs his MASTERCARD. Makes the two cards fight.
Harry looks at her like she's grown a tail •. She giggles.
FEMALEFRIEND
Stop it! Why are you humoring him?
(to Harry:)
There's a table in that far corner •• ?
It's a recommended cheeseball hangout •
 23.

HARRY
Your mouth is a recommended place to put
a sock.
(beat)
Princess ••• Scary friend •.. Goodnight.
He shrugs on his coat. Turns away. HARMONY,looking
more and more agitated, until, finally
HARMONY
Goddammit, Harry Lockhart, are· you gonna
_recognize me or not?
That stops him. He turns back, frowning. Squints --
HARMONY
Embrey, Indiana!
(he's still frowning)
Loved snakes, scared of spiders •• ?
· ( exasperated) . .·
God's sakes, you -- you were the .Amazing
Harold, no, HAROLDTHE GREAT, you cut me
in half, remember? ·
HARRY
God ••• My God, Harmony •• ? Is that you?
Realization, dawning. Both frozen in place --
. Then she smiles and so does he and the years all drop and
shatter. He ENGULFSher in a hug. SPINS her.
The FRIEND gapes in disbelief. CUT TO BLACK
HARRY (V .O.)
Okay, Okay. I was ..a bad narrator, I ·
skippe~ something. The little kid, the
one who ·cut her in.half? The magician,
right, that kid. Well, that was me. I
·apologize. Harry, Harold, you shoulda
caught that. Some detectives.
INT. CORNERBOOTH- SEVERALDRINKS LATER
Harmony's FRIEND, dazed. out of it. Head tilted back.
HARMONY strips the label from a beer bottle, frowning ••.
HARMONY
Leaving my sister. . . Leaving her alone
back there •• ? Hardest thing I ever did.
Harry can't stop staring, mesmeriz·ed. We HEAR, supered:
 24.

• Connections.
HARRY (V .O.)
Remember how I said this
high school chick haunted me? How seeing
Harmony made me think of her .• ?
FLASH TO: PEP RALLY - CHEERLEADERS
Young HARMONY,age 16, among them. Kicking. Cheering.
HARRY (V .O.)
Well, that's 'cause it fucking WAS her,
I'm, like, the stupidest motherfucker on
earth.
{sighs)
It all came flooding back, how I was the
one she confided in; the one she trusted.
Mean~hile, she was doing every other guy
in school.
· BASEBALLDUGOUT- TWILIGHT
Her head leans against YOUNGHARRY's- chest. She's
crying.
HARRY (V .O.)
It was the first time I felt it, how
pitying someone and wanting to fuck them
can get all tangled up in your head.
overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a
Rodney. Is that sick? I think that's
sick.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY: HARMONY,tipsy. Excitedly
reminiscing.
i
HARMONY-
Hey-1 Remember when we were real l~ttle,
a movie crew came to town?
HARRY
Right •• ! Mystery flick, who the hell was
the detective, Jonny something
HARMONY
Gossamer.
HARRY
Jonny Gossamer, right. Your Mom bought
all the books. Went nuts.
HARMONY
God, that was forever ago •
 25.

Pause •.• then,

. very quietly,
.
she says:
HARMONY
.I didn't get famous, H'arry.
He watches her flatten the beer label in her palm.
Leans forward, very intense, pronounces one word:
HARRY
Yet.
EXT. PARKINGLOT - DOMINOROOM- NIGHT
HARRYANDHARMONY. Laughing, silly... They walk, hips
brushing. The female FRIEND waits sullen in a nearby car.
HARRY
•.. You're shitting me. Which one?
HARMONY
With the bear that goes, I prefer
Genero'~, but I'm a --
HARRY
I'm a bear, I suck the heads off fish,
that was you?
HARMONY
Yeah, well .•• Woo-hoo, commercial.
She waves dismissively. Harry frowns:
HARRY
What are you, nuts? You, like, beat the
odds. National commercial
HARMONY
Harry. Stop.
HARRY
I musta watched that thing a hundred
times """.-
HARMONY
Harry, · it •s NOTHING, it ' s bullshit, well , .
okay, actually there·was one sorta cool
moment, I do this little wave --
( catches herself).
NO. Forget it. It was nothing special •
 26.

HARRY
Yeah? Well, guess what, black Patrick
Swayze doesn't think so.
He points to a black man at a pay phone. The guy does,
he looks like Swayze. Harmony sprays liquor.
A pregnant pause. Harry feels giddy, Light-headed.
HARRY
Listen. Come back to my hotel. Bring
your friend. One drink, swear. You'll
be home faster'n you can say Jack
Robinson.
HARMONY
Maybe, maybe not, I can say Jack Robinson
really fast, listen: jackrobinson.
He tilts her chin up. She meets his gaze, brazen •••
SLOWMOTION, she upends the flask, drinks ••• Never breaks
eye contact. They're gonna have sex. CUT TO:
INT. HARRY'S HOTEL SUITE - BEDROOM
- NIGHT
Sex, in progress. Two LUMPS, swaddled in a Polo
comforter. Rolling around together CUT TO:
SAMEPLACE - SEVERALHOURSLATER
Harry comes awake slowly. Senses a warm body, moulded
against him. Glances over in that direction --
Swears violently. It's not Harmoriy; it is, of course,
the FRIEND. He claps a hand to his head. Looks at his
watch -- 4:42 a.m. Eases out of bed, grabs his pants ••.
Tiptoes into the LIVING ROOM. Spots her purse. Grabs
it, roots inside. ADDRESSBOOK. Finds the page •••
EXT. L.A. CITY STREET

Harry's rental car blows by, down Sunset Blvd.

EXT.. HARMONY'SGUEST HOUSE- NIGHT
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK. Pause... The door opens. HARMONY
is there. Terry cloth robe. Hair in disarray. Pissed:
HARMONY
Do you know what time it is?
 27.

HARRY
I know, I know. I'm really sorry.
God ••• you still look great. stunning.
HARMONY
What are you doing here?
HARRY
Good -question. This will sound crazy;
but ••• I don't remember the hours between
twelve and two. It's a blur --
HARMONY
Where's Marleah?
(off his look:)
Marleah? The girl you
HARRY·
Marleah, right. Fell asleep at my place.
I don't remember seeing you leave --
HARMONY
I left when you still had your tongue
down her throat.
HARRY
(blanches)
Really •• ? Oh, no, no •••. That's. . . wrong
throat. Wrong one, that' s bad •.•
HARMONY
You got ten seconds.
HARRY
Okay, okay. I came here be.cause •••
(deep breath)
It sounds nuts. I just think you're 1
so
intelligent, and so·attractive, I
HARMONY
Okay, stop. That's.plenty.
HARRY
But I
HARMONY
ENOUGH. Oh••• my••• God. You come here
at five in the morning to tell me how
much you like me, after you just fucked
my friend?
 28.

HARRY
No, no, see, that's just it -- I didn't.
HARMONY
You said you don't remember!!
HARRY
Right! And if I was that drunk, :t could
never have gotten it up. See?
(beat)
Look, I know. this is ••. outrageous. I'm
not pretending. it's normal, or that I'm
. normal. I just ••• chickened out, .and -,-
He yanks his hand back, BARELYin time to keep his
fingers. SLAMM!!!! He's alone. Begins to walk --
As the streetlights blink off, one by one.
INSIDE WITH HARMONY
- AT THE WINDOW
She peers after him. Waits 'til he's far enough away.
Then lets go and when the tears come, they gush •.•
HARRY (V .O.)
.I think about that night ••• The last
sane one, as it happens. See, I was
about to begin detective lessons.· I'd
continue to attract pretty L.A. women .•.
but none of .them would be breathing.
CUT TO BLACK•. A pause •.• then we SUPER:
DAY 'l'WO-- THE LADY IN THE LAKE
INT. CAR - NIGHT
SLEET rushes out 'of the dark •. Pelts the windshield.
GAYPERRY drives, Harry beside him. Car, a mellow
coccoon. A sign reads Big Bear Lake, 5 Miles.
HARRY
-- See, Jonny Gossamer would always take
two cases, right? Seemingly unrelated.
One's normal and the other, it's always
some wild shit; then at the end they're
connected, see, it's all one case.
GAYPERRY
Yeah, I get that all the time. Hey,
could you not root around in there--?
 29.

Harry's pawing through the glove box. Extracts a small

nickel-plated DERRINGER. Whistles softly.
HARRY
Tiny. Is it real?
GAY PERRY
(nods)
Derringer. Fires three rounds. I call
it my "faggot gun."
HARRY
Because--?
GAYPERRY
Because it's good -for three shots, then
you drop it and find something better.
Harry's face contorts, like he just ate cat litter. He
replaces the gun. Perry chuckles.
GAYPERRY
You asked, chief, Back to the lesson.
Our client, so you know, is one Allison
Ames, A-M-E-S ,· female. She's paying for
a video surveillance •
Harry dutifully takes out a pad, writes AMES.
GAYPERRY
Stopped by her house today? Ms. Ames is
there with nothing on but a radio.
Lights a cigarette, sits in my lap •••
HARRY
Really?
GAY PERRY ,
Of course not, idiot. Hired me over'the
phone, paid by credit card. This job is
not interesting. It's boring, write that
down, use like, three extra o's.
Booooring. Good. Now circle it.
HARRY
Circled. Five o's plus I drew a picture
of a little sleeping guy, see •• ?
GAY PERRY
Good. Now eat the paper, which is better
than the drive-thru food we'll be having
on our surveillance .
 30.

EXT. TOURIST CABIN - NIGHT

HARRYand GAYPERRY come loping into view, hunched low •••
Squat behind a woodpile, out of sight. Perry removes his
gloves. Takes out a mini-cam, grins:
GAY PERRY
Our Ms. Ames wants up close, through-the-
window footage. Glamourous, huh? Hand
me the blue bag.
(beat}
So what's the deal with your girl, she
dissed you in high school, you said •• ?
HARRY
Huh? Oh. No, not really. I mean,
she ••• fucked everyone but me. That's
not true either, she made a concession.
Agreed not to fuck my best friend Chock
Chutney, ·.even if he asked.
GAY PERRY
That was nice of her. Okay. Stay put,
stay quiet.
Perry hunkers forward, toward the wood-shingled house --
at which point, THE LIGHTS GO OUT inside.
Perry stops in his tracks. Ears pricked. Now what .• ?
The front.DOOR begins to open. Perry BOLTS. Back behind·
the woodpile, just in time --
As a LARGEMANexits the cabin. Crosses to his parked
car, whistling. A hooded parka makes an ID impossible.
HARRY
Where the hell's he going?
GAY FERRY
How the hell should I know? I.didn't
make these arrangements, my client did.
They listen as the car engine REVS TO LIFE --
Along with it, a repetitive THUDDINGsound. Rhythmic.
HEADLIGHTSsweep past -- the guy's leaving.
. HARRY
What's wrong with his car?
 31.

GAYPERRY
What do I look like, his fucking .
mechanic? Grab that bag and follow me.
EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - LAKESHORE .- NIGHT .

PERRY'S Jaguar drifts to the shoulder, lights

extinguished. Both men emerge, silent.
HARRY
There. Up ahead.
Harry points through the trees to ANOTHERCAR, pulled
over under a canopy of pines. Perry shakes his head:
GAYPERRY
Not him. Not the same car.
HARRY
What the hell? He' s gotta somewhere, he .
turned off right in front of us --
They trudge forward, into the frozen woods. CUT TO:
EXT. LAKE'S EDGE - NIGHT
The two men reach the end of a rutted dirt TRACK. The
trees give way abrpptly -- Nothing. Only the lake.
They exchange bewildered looks. Birds call. Wind blows.
HARRY
Where is he?
Just then, as if on cue-~ a CAR ENGINE becomes audible.
Approaching through the woods at a good clip.
GAY.PERRY.
Get down.
He grabs Harry, they both go over the embankment.
Stumble downward 30 feet. Perry clutches the video case~
Up top, the ENGINE, drawing closer. HEADLIGHTS, above·
them now. • • Keeps coming. • • Something' s not right.
They realize simultaneously: the car's NOT SLOWING.
They DIVE for cover--!
Hit the dirt, HUG it, while above them TREES AND BRUSH
DETONATE,blasted to splinters as the CAR launches --

_
 32.

SAILS OUT.INTO SPACE. Executes a lazy roll in mid-air •••

SLAMSTO EARTH. Gouges it •• !
Two feet from HARRY'S HEAD. Snow ERUPTS•. · Slams him.
Fills his mouth. He rolls to water's edge, looks up --
•Sees the vehicle BOUNCE, upside down ••• •Out into the
frigid lake. Impacts. ·.Hood crumpled. Car, bobbing,
headlights· spearing every which-way.
He can't remember getting to his feet, but suddenly HARRY
is moving forward. Vision blurred. Choking on snow.
Plunges into the water. Flaps and flounders. to the car.
Driver side panel, at water level. He HEAVES-- wrenches
it open. Eyes darting left~ right. Reacts, startled:
The car has no driver. tnterior, empty. Registers
briefly that the GAS PEDAL is wedged to the floor.
Harry backs off, sputtering. Walk-stumbles toward shore,
NUMB,but now what's this, running. full out, it's PERRY
YELLING something. Hard to hear, sound muffled •••
GAYPERRY
Get the keys, in the ignition, THE KEYS!
Harry looks at him, half-witted --
GAYPERRY
The sound, the sound we heard, GRABTHE
FUCKINGKEYS.
PERRY, blundering headlong through the water. Legs
churning, as, wi~hout warning -- THE CAR GOES UNDER..
All in a rush, whooooosh •• J TRUNK, last thing to go
Perry goes with it. Harry watches, thunderstruck, as the
detective PLUNGESinto the freezing water. Vanishes.
The surface appears pitch BLACK.
From underwater, a muffled report, BANG--/ Pause.
HARRY, helpless. He stares. Shaking with cold •••
PERRY SURFACES. Comes swarming up out of the deep. Arms
locked AROUNDSOMETHING,a sodden shape --
GAYPERRY
.•• Help me .•• God ••. d-dammit •• !
 33.

HARRYis there, clutching Perry. Hauling him up, then

just as quickly recoiling --
As a GIRL IN A FLOWERDRESS emerges from the water like a
Kraken •. Perry gestures frantically to.GRAB HER ARMS.
Num1::>ly,Harry complies
SHORE - SECONDS LATER

The GIRL flops from their grasp. Hits, lies still.

Hair, plastered across her face. PERRY collapses.
GAY.PERRY
.•• L-locked in the trunk •• had to ••• to s-
shoot it open •••
He looks over at her -- lets out an anguished sound.
POV PERRY: A dead doll in a flower-print dress.
HARRY
Is .•. is she dead •• ?
GAYPERRY
No ••• she's j-just ••. resting her eyes,
of COURSEshe's fucking d-dead ••• her
neck is broken. • • ·
The girl's skirt is hiked, she has no underwear.
Harry tugs the dress down, a useless bit of chivalry.
·. Perry scans the trees • Reacts , startled --
TWOMEN IN SKI MASKSstaring down at him. He locks eyes
with one, briefly -- Then they BOLT. Into the trees.
AN ENGINE ROARS•. Squeal of tires as a CAR drives off.
HARJlY
That car we saw ••• you get the plate?
GAYPERRY
Didn't •.• b-bother.
HARRY
Me neither.
(beat)
So, this sort of thing happen a lot?
Perry shoots him a look. ' .

J
 34.

HARRY
Easy, man, kidding. Come on, let's beat
it before the cops show.
GAYPERRY
Nix. We. . • go straight to the cops •
HARRY
Exactly, the cops, who will have no
trouble believing that she broke her
neck •••
, {points)
BEFOREyou shot her in the head.
Her face, what we see of it, appears beaten to a pulp --
Scalp, deeply GOUGEDby a bullet.
Perry's bullet. He groans, buries his face in his hands.
Wind, soughing... From the rippling lake, a soft
splash ••. Perry struggles to his.feet. Shivering.
GAYPERRY
Okay. We're outta here.
(frowns)
Where's my gun?
Harry shifts, uneasy. Swallows hard:
HARRY
I.~. I got rid of it.
GAYPERRY
Say again?
HARRY
Just now. I threw it in the lake. .I
figured, if you wouldn't do it, I would,
I got priors in New York, man, I can't be
doing this --
GAYPERRY
You threw it away77
He storms toward Harry --
HARRY
Hey, take it easy--!
Perry stops. Takes a deep breath. Composes himself •
 35.

GAYPERRY
It's okay. I •.• I get it, it's okay. I
just got a little non-plussed •.• Sorry.
(pauses, frowning)
Whoa. What the hell •• ?
Kneels beside the VIDEO case. Gingerly pokes at it:
GAYPERRY
What do you make of this .. ?

Harry leans in to look Perry BOUNCESHIS HEAD off the

case. Leaves a dent •.
GAYPERRY
WHATWEREYOUTHINKING?
Harry staggers backward, swearing. Grips his head.
GAYPERRY
You idiot! You threw my $650 vintage.
revolver in the Goddamn lake, what about
when they. comb the bottom, ever cross
your mind, they find that car, they'll
find the GODDAMN GUN???
He stands, runs a hand through his hair •
GAYPERRY
Jesus. Look •UP "idiot" in the
dictionary; know what you'll find?
HARRY
Picture of me?
GAY PERRY
NO. The definition of the word IDIOT,
which you fucking ~rel

He turns, fuming. Stomps his way up the embankment.

EXT. LAKESIDEROAD- DRIVING - NIGHT
PERRY.drives. He's donned a dry pair of sweats. Beside
him Harry"s still soaked, shivering. Perry's mood: foul.
GAY PERRY
Bitch. Lies to me, drags me up here to
watch a Goddamn murder ••• I swear, I'll
( stops suddenly, points: ) ·
Hey. Over there. See those tracks ••• ?
They weren .'t there before; they' re new •
 36.

They exchange puzzled looks. Pause ••• Perry turns off

onto the same rutted dirt TRACK. CUT TO: .
HARRYAND PERRY STAND, STUNNED

Staring forlornly. Overlooking the exact~ beach

Now utterly devoid of CORPSES. Female or otherwise.
Serene. Peaceful. Water placid.

HARRY
Maybe she, um, ••• wasn't dead?
GAYPERRY
Piss off. I could reach in and touch her
exposed brain.

HARRY
Right. so ... the tide drew her out.
GAY·PERRY
What tide, IT'S A LAXE.
He shakes his head, gazes out across the dark water.
. GAYPERRY
We're getting out of here, now,· and this
_shit better be improving your acting.
EXT. GAYPERRY'S APARTMENT
BUILDING- NIGHT
RAIN, constant. Perry pulls up beside Harry's rental.
HARRY
Sorry about the gun.

GAYPERRY
Whatever. Out. Go. Sleep badly. Any
questions, hesitate to call.
HARRY
"Bad"

GAYPERRY
Excuse me?

HARRY
Sleep bad.

GAYPERRY
No -- "badly," it's a fucking adverb.
Who taught you grammar?

I
 37.

Harry exits into a DOWNPOUR.Barely shuts the door,

Perry's driving off. Harry fumbles for his own keys
BRAKELIGHTS. Harry looks up in time to see PERRY
reverse -- Pulls along~ide again. Window slides down:
HARRY
Look, you don't have to apologize
GAYPERRY
Eat shit. You forgot this.
He holds out Harry's eel phone, which is RINGING. Makes
no move to let Harry in the car. Harry frowns. Leans
through the window. Answers the call, half in, half out:
HARRY
Hello •• ?
VOICE (O.S.) ··
I'm trying to locate Harry Lockhart.
HARRY
Speaking.
VOICE (O.S.)
Mr. Lockhart, I'm Detective Sergeant
Kale, L.A.P.D. Robbery/Homicide Division.
Mind answering a question or two?
Harry's stomach does a slow, lazy roll •••
HARRY
Of course, Officer. Fire away.
In the car, Perry suddenly goes rigid. Ears pricked
VOICE (O.S.)
Thank you. Are you familiar with a woman
by the name of Harmony Faith Lane?
HARRY
I ••• What's this in reference to?
VOICE (O.S.)
I'm contacting names in a pocket book, by
all indications Ms. Lane's. Your number
appears on a piece of paper •• ?
HARRY
Yeah, so? She took down my number, a lot
of girls have my number --
 38.

VOICE (O.S.)
I understand. It's just routine, we're
required by law to treat every suicide as
a potential homicide. ·
HARRY
Suicide.
VOICE (O.S.)
Yes. Harmony Lane shot herself, sir.
Just a few hours ago. She ••• wasss •• at
hooo •••. found her ••• sorr ••• losing yo •••
HARRY
Hello? Hello? Officer •• ?

The phone's dead. Signal, lost. Harry stands there,

pole-axed ••• like he's taken a punch. Collapses against
the car. Looks at:... Perry, stricken:
HARRY
Harmony .•• she's dead.
He stands, rain drumming on his head.
HARRY
Killed herself with a gun.
GAYPERRY
I'll be Goddamned.
Harry's face tries on several different expressions.
Rejects them all. He looks out at the drowning city.
HARRY
I see her for a day? One DAY?
GAY·PERRY
No making sense of it. In the end, I
guess things just, um, happen for a re--
HARRY
-- for a reason? Are you serious? Fuck
that. Because I fall off a roof, ten
people in Baltimore survive a bus crash?
Swell. They're enjoying Baltimore, I'm
lying with my brains out.
GAYPERRY
I been to Baltimore; you win. Look, I'm
really sorry. I gotta go •
 39.

He drives off. Harry, in the rain •.• Christmas lights,

reflected in the glossy street. CUT TO:
HARMONY,IN A BRIDAL GOWN

She cuts the cake, looks up -- and SCREAMS. -A big BROWN

BEARtoasts her, turns to camera and says:
BROWNBEAR
I prefer GENARO'S. But what do I know?
I suck the heads off fish!
An insufficient little epitaph. CUT TO:
INT. HOTELLOBBY - NIGHT
HARRYenters, looking like someone turned a hose on him.
HARRY. (V .O.)
I was tired, I was pissed, I was wetter
than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club. I
needed a hot bath, a warm bed.
(sighs)
But the night had other plans for me.
See, I forgot -- old Jonny, he always had
two cases, remember •• ?
INT. HOTELHALLWAY
- SAME
Christmas MUZAKplays. Harry, completely done in.
· Dripping. He fumbles for his key, rounding the corner
Jumps a foot in the air. Makes a startled "bark" noise.
She's there. Huddled in front of his door. Soaking wet,
shivering cold --
HARMONY. Standing there with puppy-dog eyes. He stands
frozen. Breath suspended. Both of them, in tableau.
She finds her footing. MOVES. A rag doll.
Flops into him, ENGULFShim on impact. • • The two .of them
resemble a very emotional SPONGE. HARRY, struck dumb.
REVERSE-- Tight on Harmony, on her FACE, desolate •••
Squeezing him for all she's worth. We hear HARRY:
HARRY
••• How•• ? I ••• I don't.~.
She answers him, voice uninflected, without hope:
 40.

HARMONY
• •• she's gone, Harry •••
Still in tight CLOSE-UP. A single tear escapes one eye
as it comes flashing back to her, all of it
FLASH: A CRIME SCENE - CHEAPDOWNTOWN
HOTEL ROOM
A police PHOTOGRAPHER'Sflashbulb goes POP--! A female
form, sprawled in a corner. Covered by a SHEET.
Weapon, bagged for evidence -- a Mossberg shotgun.
FLASH TO: HARMONY,speaking to a Homicide cop:
HARMONY
I ••• I would've given her money. But •••
we haven't _spoken ••• in years ••.
COP
Fact is, she stole not only a credit
card, but your ID as well -- We're very
sorry for the mix-up on our part. • . ·
(beat)
_Are you willing, at this point, to make a
positive identification?
She nods. The barest edge of the SHEET, lifted for her
HARMONY
There, the ••. the birthmark.
(swallows hard)
It's her. It's my little sister.
PRESENT DAY - INT. HARRY'S HOTEL SUITE - NIGHT
HARMONY paces· jerkily to and fro. Soaked, shivering.
High on something or other. HARRYcan'. t stop staring •••
HARRY
Your sister's been living out HERE?
HARMONY
I didn't know; we hadn't spoken .•• God,
in years. She never forgave me for
leaving her. I ••• thought she'd be safe,
I swear, no one told me Papa would get
her back -- ·
HARRY
Look, first things first, you're gonna
catch pneumonia, let me --
 41.

HARMONY
Will you listen?? I have to TELL this,
someone has to.believe me!
HARRY
Fine, let me get a blanket, I'll --
HARMONY
I don't need a blanket •
. HARRY
You're shivering all over
HARMONY
I DON'T CARE.
Harry sighs.
HARRY
Okay. Deep breath. Tell me what
happened.
HARMONY
She got into my house. Yesterday, she
musta been broke. Swiped 200 bucks, a
credit card •.• California I.D. God knows
what else •
HARRY
Back up. If you two hadn't spoken in
HARMONY
Fourteen years.
HARRY
Fourteen years, right, arid she didn't
know where you lived, how' d she know 1
where to-~ ·
HARMONY
I WAS ON TV, FOR CHRISSAKES. I was on
the news, you can see the house, see the
number, boom, right there; getting in's·
easy, fucking robot broke the windows...:_
Even as she's freaking out, Harry's drawn to the wet
dress, the pearling beads of water on skin... ··
HARMONY
Harry, no more secrets; are you a
detective?
 42.

The question comes out of the blue. Harry blinks •

HARRY
Who told you that?
HARMONY
My friend Flicka .•. you said to her
you're a detective, and if that's true I
need your help. If it isn't, goodbye.
Harry, caught totally off guard; how can he handle this?
HARRY
Right. Okay. First off, say I am..;_ why
me? Have you ••• looked at alternatives?
There's my colleague, Perry van Shrike --
HARMONY
Perry, I know Perry, I've worked for him.
Please. He's gonna believe me? When I
tell him my sister didn"t commit suicide?
Harry stops dead. Favors her with a look of disbelief.
She leans forward, intent. Locks eyes with him, says:
HARMONY
See? That's why r•m here, Harry. I
think my sister was murdered. I need
someone to help me prove it •
. Stubs out her cigarette. Begins to talk as we hear:
HARRY (V .O.)
So I sat there, not looking at her
nipples while she told me about her
epiphany at the Rite-Aid on Wilshire.
FLASHBACK:RITE-AID - 40 MINUTESPREVIOUS
Harmony, clutching a happy red basket. Soaked and
miserable; she's been crying.· Sees a bottle of Old
Forester. Into the basket, boom. Steps to the checkout
counter. Looks down:
A) bottle of booze; B) three jars of sleeping pills.
Casts about ••• grabs Twinkies, gum. Whatever's handy,
tosses stuff in without looking. Opens a Twinkie.
THE CHECKERruns her credit card ••• Shakes his head.
Tries again. Nope. Hands the card back, apologetic •
 43.

SNAP BACKTO PRESENT DAY: Harry,. looking at her nipples

HARRY
Um, I'm sorry.:.._ what were you buying •• ?
HARMONY
Whatever. Stuff. IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Don't you get it? The card she stole
from me was MAXEDOUT. Right before she
died, Jenna charged over 2000 dollars,
you don't find.that a little weird •• ? To
some bullshit company. Ah. Plus her
birth control pill for today? Gone. Red
flag.. Why'd she bother with her pill?
Still pacing, jittery, jerky; Harry shifts uncomfortably.
HARMONY
So. can you help me or not?
HARRY
I'd have to check my schedule, but um --
HARMONY
Can you •. ? Just tell me, I'll get the
hell out of your ••• your .••
Without warning, her eyes lose focus, knees buckle -- She
promptly collapses. Harry has to CATCHher.
He staggers, off balance. ·Shakes her -- Nix. out cold.
He deposits her on the BED. Now what •• ? He grabs a
towel. Fluffs her hair. Steps back, frowning .•• She's
shivering.
It occurs to Harry, briefly, that he's in much the same
shoes as the asshole guy at Dexter's party.
Except she's gonna get fucking pneumonia. Shit.
He takes a deep breath. Tugs at her sopping dress.
Hauls it dripping up over her head. Looks down --
SEES THE SPIDER crawl from his pillow to her shoulder. ·
The size of a nickel, maybe (the spider, not the
shoulder} • Now it's bound for her NECK• ••
Harry, appalled. Leans in, takes aim ••• Goes to flick
the beast, MISSES•. ! It scuttles beneath Harmony's BRA•

_I
 44.

Son of a bitch. He gingerly taps the bra cup -- Hello •• ?

Mr. Spider •• ? Tap, tap. The breasts therein jiggle
slightly. Harry takes a breath --
Very fast, ahd begging forgiveness he yanks up the bra.
Sees the black dot against a landscape of pin~, FLICKS--!
Sends it sailing. Heaves a sigh of relief •••
Just as Harmony opens her eyes.
HARMONY
What the hell do you think you're doing?
HARRY
WHA
.. ?? I ••• I didn't do anything --
HARMONY
You were feeling my tits.
HARRY
What?? No, listen, there was a big
SPIDER, it was ••• it was ••. I ...
CUT TO: ONE MINUTE LATER
HARRY, on hands and knees. Crawling up and down,
swearing. · HARMONY,under the comforter. Getting bored •
HARRY
Hang on, hang.on, you'll see. Where'd
you go, you little bastard .••
He changes directions. Harmony sighs:
HARMONY
Look, it's okay, I believe you.
HARRY
No. No, you don't. Just ••• hold on.
It• s here ••.
HARMONY
Look, whatever. Say you grabbed my tit,·
it's ••• it's life. No biggie. You got
any aspirin?
Harry stops. Regards her in disbelief:
HARRY
A guy grabs your tit, "that's life •• ?"
No biggie? Christ, what kind of talk is
that? I can't believe you're
 45.

He stops, hearing Harmony GASP: She's looking down •

Harry foilows her gaze. She lets slip her bra, exposes
one breast -- it's there: just visible, if you squint ••• ·
A SQUISHEDSPIDER LEG. On her aureole. Trailing buggy
fragments. She looks at him, radiant .••
Granted, history has seen more romantic moments. Their
eyes lock, over the severed leg. She offers a hand --
HARMONY
See there? I trust you .•
-- But Harry refuses-the offer.
HARRY
Whatever. I'm glad.
Turns away from her. Sullen. Agitated •.
HARMONY
What is it? I'm letting you off the
hook, you didn't do.anything
HARRY
No, but you thought I did •
(spins on her:)
Listen to me, if I grab your tit, it's a
BIGGIE, damn, that sounded wrong, what I
mean is, I 'M ON THE HOOK. .The hook is
now my home! Meanwhile, you still talk
to me .• ? Like ••. like it's an okay
· lapse, oops, everyone does it, Jesus,
what fucking guys are you hanging around?
Are you just some ••• some girl who --
:
He bites off the sentence. She looks stricken: I

HARMONY
Who what .• ?
(beat)
Who what, Harry •. ?
He retreats to the BATHROOM.
HARRY
Look, just ••• forget I said anything.
Get some rest. Tomorrow we;ll start
working on your case •
 46.

HARMONY
So ••• you can do it?. You're not too
jammed up with other clients?
HARRY
Let me worry about that.
He shuts the bathroom door, blanches -- what the hell is
he doing? He's never gonna get away with this. Calls:
HARRY
Tomorrow afternoon good?
HARMONY(THROUGHDOOR)
Yeah, that's perfect. I'm borrowing. some
sweats and a T-shirt.
He unzips. Starts to pee. Rubs tired eyes ••. Reaches
over, opens the medicine cabinet. Fumbles for aspirin•--
The mirror nicely captures THE CORPSE IN THE TUB.
It swings into view. Sitting there mute, behind him.
It's the girl from the lake. RIGHT behind him.
Flower dress. Hair plastered across her fish-white face .
Harry, OBLIVIOUS -- tugging at the childproof cap •••
Shakes out three pills. Pops them. Looks in the mirror--
. SPITS them the. length.of the room. He SPINS, staggers on
one foot. A burlesque arc of urine, preceding him.
Stands, blank. Utterly FROZEN. The poster boy for
cognitive dissonance (yes, they have that.)
Realizes, belatedly, that he's peeing ALL OVER THE
CORPSE. Stuffs himself away,. cinches his pants,· as·
HARMONY {THROUGHTHE DOOR)
Goodbye • I 'm leaving •• ! Harry •• ?
Harry says in a small strangled voice:
HARRY
Goodbye.
He can't believe what he's seeing.
HARMONY (THROUGHTHE DOOR)
Thanks! This is really great. 'Bye!
 47.

THE THING continues to be there, whether the fuck it's

believed in or not. Harry fumbles out his phone
EXT. STREET - WITH GAYPERRY - DRIVING - NIGHT
Perry, phone to his ear, incredulous:
GAYPERRY
Say it again, they gave her BACK??
INTERCUT- HARRY- IN THE BATHROOM
On the edge of panic:
HARRY
She's in my tub, I'm looking at her, for
Chrissakes.
GAYPERRY
That's ridiculous. They don't even KNOW
you, they couldn't possibly-..,..
HARRY
They couldn't! You're .right! And since
the body can't be here, this is all a
dream, and oh, look, there's Elmo the
elf, GOODMORNING,ELMO! What's in your
basket--
GAYPERRY
Shut up. How'd they get in?
HARRY
Don't know. Fire escape, maybe?
GAYPERRY
(takes a deep breath:).
Okay. First things first; we gotta ;move
her somewhere. You got gloves?
HARRY
Excuse me?
GAYPERRY
If it's a frame-up, some asshole's
probably calling the cops on you right
now. Do this: wrap up the body, a sheet,
blanket -- a rug if you got one.
HARRY
Just a second, I'm getting gloves. Any
particular kind? ·
 48.

GAYPERRY
Yes,~, would you fucking HURRY?
HARRY
Hey, I, uh ••• I peed on it.
GAYPERRY
I -- excuse me?
HARRY
I. • • peed. On the body, um, can they •••
do I.D. from that •• ?
GAY PERRY
Say again? You peed --
HARRY
On the cc;,rpse, see, my question is--
GAYPERRY
Your question. No, no, me first. WHYIN
PLUPERFECTHELL DID YOUPEE--
HARRY
I didn't INTENDto, it wasn't like I did
it for KICKS!!
(desperate:)
This isn't happening. It's your fault;
you said this doesn't happen! I
GAYPERRY
SHUT UP AND LISTEN. First: wrap the
body. Next, you have to find the gun.
Say it with me, "find the gun."
HARRY
Gun, I~·· I threw it in the lake
GAYPERRY
Not MY GUN, idiot. If they dropped .a
body on you they also planted a gun,
· trust me. Move it. I' 11 be there in
four minutes. · ·
INT. HOTELROOM- NIGHT
HARRYcomes barreling out of the bathroom. Runs to the
closet, grabs a blanket, as
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

_J
 49.

Perry's Jaguar throws a SMOKING180, leaves most of its

tires on the road behind it. He blows by camera, CUT TO:
A .38 REVOLVER
Underneath a sagging bed, as HARRYutters a triumphant
GRUNT. Snakes out an arm, snags the gun, and meanwhile
DOWNIN THE LOBBY
Ding •• ! HARMONYsteps off the elevator. Strides across
the lobby. Idle glance at the concierge There are
TWOCOPS leaning on the guy's desk. Speaking tersely.
COP ONE
--- caller specified room 314, some sort
of. • • brawl or something. Violent.
Whoa, she thinks, that.' a Harry's room. But violent •• ?
Hell, she was just there. Walks slower, eavesdropping
CONCIERGE
Yes, here we go. 314, Lockhart. Let me
give you the key.
At which point, Harmony surprises herself by suddenly
blurting out to the cops:
HARMONY
No, no, it's not 314. It's 514. I was
just up there, it's AWFUL, all those
noises.
COP TWO
oh. Thank you, Ma' am. Appreciate that.
And on that note, Harmony, utterly perplexed, passes
through the revolving ENTRANCEDOOR, out into
. .
the chill.
1

Grabs her eel phone, she's gotta warn Harry and

consequently FAILS TO SEE GAYPERRY as he blurs by,
behind her. In through the revolving door --
INT. HALLWAY- THIRD FLOOR

Ding •• ! The elevator doors open and out comes Perry.

Bolts down the hallway toward
HARRY'S ROOM- SAME'TIME

Bang-Bang-Bang. Fist puimnels the door --

 5.0.

GAr PERRY
It's me, open up!
HARRYadmits Perry, then quickly shuts the door. The
PHONEis shrilling.
GAYPERRY
Don't answer that.
HARRY
Duh.
Perry, out of breath. Sees a BUNDLEon the bed, points --
GAYPERRY
That it?
HARRY
No, that's the other corpse, from the
last guy who stayed here.
GAYPERRY
Fuck off.· The gun?
Harry pats his jacket pocket. Crosses to the corpse.
They kneel. Harry licks dry lips, swallows, says:
HARRY
Perry. The sons of bitches made us.
Made me.. In town for two days, they know
who I am, where to find me. That's --
GAYPERRY
-- It's impossible. Yeah, I know.
(looks up)
Fire escape.
EXT. HOTEL- FIRE ESCAPE - STAR-FILLED SKY OVERHEAD
The BUNDLEis slung between them. Propped on their
respective shoulders, sagging in the middle. It's slow
going; a step-by-step balancing act.
HARRY
I forgot to tell you, Harmony's .alive and
she thinks her sister was murdered.
GAYPERRY
Come again?
HARRY
Never mind. ouch--1
 51.

He bashes his hand on the railing. Swears •

He looks at Perry. Perry looks at him. They stop. BOTH
peer over the railing ••• Three stories, straight down.
EXT. PARKINGLOT - GROUNDLEVEL
A FLYING CORPSE hurtles into frame.
SLAMSdown with a sick crunch. Camera pans up ••• Here
come HARRY & PE,RRY, scrambling down the stairs.
PARKINGLOT - SAME

Keeping to the shadows, they lug the bundle toward

Perry's CAR, over in a dark corner. Harry, straining:
HARRY
So these dudes tonight, they see two
assholes out of nowhere, they think
GAYPERRY
They think we must know. something, sure.
They panic. The body's evidence, they
gotta dispose of it--
HARRY
Yeah, in my bathtub, fuck this. I want
real life. You said real life.
GAY PERRY .
It is. See, real~life people aren't
logical, man. They get freaked out,
improvise
HARRY
A~, shut up, you're changing your tu?e
every five minutes.·
Harry slips, DROPS his end. It thuds to the ground. He
swears • Bends downs •• ~ FREEZES:
Headlights. Car approaching. FLASHINGLIGHTS. Cops •.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. They frantically drag the

corpse toward.a chain-link FENCE. Huffing, grunting ••.
. Pick a spot along the fence. Heft the bundle, brace
themselves and HEAVE--
ROLL HER OVER.THE TOP
 52.

She flops into the bushes, CRASH, rustle-rustle •• !

Harry follows with the GUN, chucks it, as THE POLICE CAR
swings into sight and without missing a beat Perry says:
GAYPERRY
Quick. Kiss me.
HARRY
What?
Perry plasters his mouth to Harry•s. Harry, sputtering
in protest -- Perry locks him in an embrace.
THE POLICE CAR cruises past. A cop shines a flashlight
COP
Check out Doris and Lucinda over here.
His partner shakes his head. The car idles past ••• Turns
the corner ••• Gone. HARRYflings Perry away, sputtering:
HARRY
Ack--! Aaaagh--! All right! All right,
that's it. These lessons suck, I quit,
this is not being a detective. Corpses
floating in lakes, people kissing people,
this is ••. this is WRONG .
Perry clamps a hand over Harry's mouth, SILENCES him.
Out of the dark, A VOICE:
VOICE (O.S.)
Somebody want to fill me in?
The two men SPIN ROUND, startled-~
HARMONY stands ten feet away. Defiant. With out missing
a beat, Harry turns, whispers to Perry:
HARRY
She thinks I'm a detective, go along with
it, don't fuck me.·
HARMONY
Harry, did you know the QQllii ·are looking
for you?
HARRY
(startled)
They are •• ?
He jogs over, takes her aside •
 53.

·HARMONY
I sent them to the wrong room, !·didn't
know what else to do --
HARRY
You did fine. See, Perry and I, we're
running a whatchamacallit, a .•• you know,
the old •.. game •.• bring 'em in, push 'em
out •••
HARMONY
What are you talking about? What's
happening, and why were you and Perry
nacking on each other?
Harry smiles. Clears his throat, takes a deep breath
CUT TO: EXT. SANTAMONICABLVD, - NIGHT
PERRY'S Jaguar zips along as we HEAR:
HARRY (V .o.)
I sent her home, believing a) we'd meet
tomorrow to go over her case; and b) I
wasn't actually gay. Do not ask me how I
did this. Then Perry says we gotta move
the body again. Four a.m., it's in the
trunk, we're cruising down Santa Monica,
past the cool-looking police station with
the palm trees and aw, shit. ·
(beat)
Listen to what I'm doing, !'m saying it,
meanwhile it's on the screen, I hate it
when the narrator does that ••• "I entered
the building and proceeded to Bob's
office," you're like,. I KNOW,asshole,
I'm watching the fucking movie. So~ry.
INT. CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT
Harry says:
HARRY
Why couldn't we just leave it there?
GAYPERRY
Think, dwmny. A 911 call, your room.
number, then there's a corpse outside
your hotel? Bad.idea.
(beat)
Speaking of which, what's this shit, you
taking on an actual.case?
(MORE.)
 54.
GAYPERRY (cont'd)
Of all the dipshit things to do. Killed
herself, by the way .
HARRY
Huh?
GAYPERRY
Killed herself. I·just solved your case
for you.
HARRY
Harmony's convinced that--
GAYPERRY
Fuck Harmony. Little Sis punched her own
ticket. Period. Here, this looks good,
up ahead. Time to lose the luggage.
He rolls to a stop under a big shadowy TREE.
CUT TO: A MEATY-SOUNDING
THUD--!
As the BUNDLEDCORPSE hits the lawn of a Beverly Hills
home. HARRYbends over it, face a misery mask:
HARRY
I'm sorry, sweetheart, you deserved
better .
Wind picking up, the trees rattling, he runs •.•
• CUT TO BLACK. A Pause ••• then SUPER:
DAY THREE - THE LITTLE SISTER

EXT. HARRY'S HOTEL~ DUSK

Through the window we see HARRYasleep. The NEONLIGHTS
outside his window sputter ••• Come to LIFE.
CLOSE·ON HAARY-- his eyes pop open. CUT TO:
INT. HOTELLOBBY- SAME
· The elevator disgorges Harry, unshaven, bleary-eyed. He
passes a PLUMPWOMAN with a collection bucket.
PLUMPWOMAN
Rejoice in the Miracle, the Lord is
risen.
HARRY
It's more of a miracle that I arose .
 55.

INT. HOTELBAR - SAME

HARRYand HARMONY,seated at a window table. Harry's
trying to look official with a notepad and pen.
HARRY
Okay, .§.Q -- you said you have a line on
why Jenna came to L.A. Tell me. I'm
taking notes, so be as thorough as you
can.
Harmony sips her coffee. Speaks quietly, intently.
HARMONY
I never told you just how. . . awful he
treated her. My Dad, I'm talking ab<;>ut.
(eyes vague, distant) ·
I remember, I only lied to her one
time ••• Papa was making her cry, saying
shit, and afterward I bent down, real
close and I whispered in her ear.
(beat) ·
I said, 'baby, the man living here is not
your father.'
HARRY
You told your sister she was adopted?
HARMONY
(shakes her head)
I went one better. I said her real
father was an actor fn the movie that
came through town. The Gossamer thing.
I said, 'Someday, baby, you'll go to
Hollywood, and meet your famous real
Daddy.'
(beat)
Harry, I think she believed me. I think
she came out here looking.
HARRY
You sound pretty sure.
HARMONY
I read her suicide note. Even with a gun
to her head, she mentions II Daddy" • ·
Harry nods. Glances down at his own extensive notes:

~~{it_~
' LAM! . ~-,>
 56.

HARRY
Got it. I'm on the case.
(scribbles on a napkin)
And here's my card.
He presents it with a flourish: THE AMAZING HAROLD.
HARRY
It's a magic card, by the way. Be
careful.
HARMONY
Oh, Wow. Any training required?
HARRY
Nope. Just say abra-cadabra.
HARMONY
What happened, did someone sue you?
HARRY
Excuse me?
HARMONY
It used to be "Alakazarn." When you cut
me in half. And not to be picky, but you
were Harold the Great •
There eyes meet. He shrugs, smiles.
HARRY
I used to be great, now I'm amazing.
Live with it.·
His CEL,rings, he answers:
HARRY
Hi, there was nothing in the papers. I'm
busy right now with Harmony's case.
GAY PERRY (O.S.)
Case, what case? Leave her alone.· News
on channel 9, just starting. Call me
after.
Click-! Hangs up. Harry- jumps up, heads to the BAR --
TV bolted to the wall. On screen, a striking NEWSWOMAN:
NEWSWOMAN {ON TV)
••• a kidnapping gone wrong. It is
unclear why his daughter was subsequently
murdered, or even-where;
(MORE)
 57 •

. NEWSWOMAN(ON TV) (cont'd)

for she was almost certainly killed and
then moved, police sources say. Veronica
Dexter's abductors remain at large.
(beat)
Harlan Dexter, 53 year;_old actor--turned-
entrepreneur, runs the prestigious Dexter
Clinic downtown, along with a series of
rehab centers. His wife died last
spring, prompting Veronica's return to
the U.S. -- and a father-daughter
reconciliation, following years of
estrangement. Veronica Dexter; 25 years
old yesterday. More later. Paul?
ANCHOR(ON TV)
Thanks, Mina. Sad. Brought together •••
only t6 lose each other again. Very much
like the cast of ''Giant Steps"; corning
up, a report on the hot new show that --
On Harry's speechless reaction we cut to:
EXT. HARRY'S HOTEL - WITH HARRYAND PERRY - DUSK
Brisk, windy. They walk side by side. Harry takes out
gum, offers a piece to Perry .
HARRY
Ronnie Dexter? Are they, like, triple-
sure •• ? 'Cause she sorta looked like Mr.
Potato-Head to me.
!
GAYPERRY
I.D. was positive. Scars, dental
records.
HARRY
Talk to your police guy? I.

GAYPERRY
Yeah. Not much there. Lab test came·
back, no sign of rape.
(frowns)
Boils down to this: at 4:30 yesterday
afternoon, Ronnie Dexter left home to
meet some dude at the airport, old
boyfriend. Off · she went
HARRY
And that's-the last anyone saw of her?
GAYPERRY
With a symmetrical ungooshed head, yeah •

_
 58 •

HARRY
Police ever find the car?
GAYPERRY
Uh, no, genius, that was us, . remember?
HARRY
Oh. Yeah, right.
Harry looks pale. Perry fixes him with a steady gaze:
GAYPERRY
It was someone at that party, Harry~ ••
That's how they recognized you.
HARRY
The killers were .•. at Dexter's?
GAYPERRY
(nods)
This is getting way too scary, man. You
gotta bail. Catch a flight out.
HARRY
But my screen test.is Tuesday •
GAYPERRY
Doesn't .matter. You won't get the part.
HARRY
Fuck off.
GAYPERRY
Listen to what I'm saying.
HARRY
I know.it's a longshot
GAYPERRY
Harry, you're not getting the part.
HARRY
So I'm not Brando, you.think l don't know
that? If there's even a chance
GAYPERRY
There isn't, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE PART,
YOUNEVERWERE.
It bursts out of him. ·Harry stops, mid-sentence •
 59 •

GAYPERRY
Nick Cage wants too much money. Get it
now? Dabney, he unearths a "discovery."
New kid, works for cheap. He flies you
out, high profile. The parties,
detective lessons, ALL of it.
(beat) ·
He's using you to shave a million dollars
off Cage's price.
And there it is. Out on the table.
GAYPERRY
Sorry, chief, but there it is. I'm done
lying to you. So. That's it. If you're
gonna take a swing at me, do it no--
The PUNCHsnaps his head around. He SWEARS, as Harry
launches another left -- ducks this one .easily. Spins
Harry, SLAMShim against a mailbox. Twists cruelly.
HARRY.
You son of a bi--aaaGGHHH.
Perry lets go. Steps back, still wary. Harry, gasping •
GAY PERRY
And don't bother keeping your date with
Harmony. She wasn't happy to hear that
·you weren't a detective. That you lied.
Another shock. Harry, overwhelmed.
HARRY
You. • . you TOLD her .• ? ?
(almost in tears)
Man, I ••• I thought.you were, like, imy
friend! I was •in trouble, you were ,right 1

there --

GAYPERRY
Protecting my employer, yes,
(off Harry's look)
DABNEY. My employer? He pays :me to
insulate him from corpses.
Harry absorbs this like a physical blow.
GAYPERRY
I'm not a nice man, Harry.
(beat)
Go home. Before something bad happens •
 60.

Perry turns. Heads for his car •

HARRY
Are you •.. are you THREATENING
me •. ?

Pause. Perry blinks, confused --

GAYPERRY
No. NO, you idiot. I 'm saying the
BADGUYSmight try to harm you.
HARRY
Oh. Oh, okay. Right.
Perry gets in his car. Keys the ignition.
GAYPERRY
Merry Christmas. Sorry about fucking you
.over.
HARRY
No problem. Merry Christmas. Don't quit
your gay job.
The car rounds a corner. Disappears from sight •
Harry sighs. Runs a hand through his hair. Headache.
Temples, throbbing. Grabs his cell, punches buttons.
Ring •• ! Click-!
HARMONY(O.S.)
Hi, I'm unavailable to take your call,
but if you leave a mes--
He hangs up. Inhabits the lengthening twilight. Nowhere
to go. Spits. Scans the IVY alongside the hotel •••
FLASH: He and Perry, tossing the .38 over the fence --

Harry makes a decision. CUT TO:

INT. RAMON'S HOLLYWOOD
LIQUOR - NIGHT

Harry appears at the door, trailed by a homeless man --

HOMELESSMAN
Buddy, got a cigarette •. ?
HARRY
Not today, pal •
 61.

The man grips his arm -- Harry shrugs him off, hard.
HOMELESSMAN
Rat bastard,. son of a bitch --
Harry keeps moving. Into the store. Empty. Reaches up
to his KNIT CAP, the one he had in Big Bear --
Pulls it.down into a SKI MASK.
Moves to the register; no one there either. He palms the
.38 revolver. Rings a tiny BELL.
VOICE IN BACK (O.S.)
Just a minute! Right out!
Harry waits, impatiently. Drumming his fingers. Ski
mask, itching. •·He leans over the ·counter, reaches ••.
Awkwardly swats.at the· register button.
HARRY
Hey, can I get some help here?
. VOICE IN BACK (O.S.)
Coming! Another second!
Harry ducks beneath the counter. Pops llp behind the
register. Punches buttons •. Nothing. Again-""" nothing.
Last try -- Bingo. The drawer slides open. Reveals
maybe $200 in worn bills •. 20 in change. He stares~ ••.
VOICE IN BACK {O.S.)
Be right there!
Presses a hand to his head. Shoulders start to slump •••
He shuts the drawer •. Cash untouched. Tugs oflf his mask.
Eyes dull, glazed. Ducks beneath the counter ~gain.
A HISPANIC MAN appears . -- Sees Harry standing politely. ·
MAN
Can I help you?
- . -~Y
. .. Marlboro Reds, box.
·EXT. HOLLYWOOD
BLVD - NIGHT
Harry exits. Sees the angry BUM. Tosses him the smokes.·
 62 •

HARRY
Choke on ' em.
Crosses the street. Doesn't look back.
INT. LAX - 8:30 P.M • .,.. TERMINALFOUR
The main concourse. An amplified VOICE intones:
VOICE (O.S.)
At this time, we'd like to begin pre-
boarding for flight 12, service from Los
Angeles to New York, at Gate 42.
HARRYappears. Takes out his ticket. Resigned, tired .•.
MEMORY
FLASH: HIGH SCHOOLSTADIUM- NIGHT - CIRCA 1987
A deserted.field, behind the high school. Foreground:
YOUNGHARRY, 18 -- facing 16 year-old HARMONY.
HARMONY
Gotta catch my bus. If I don't go now, I
never will. I'm gonna miss you ••.
She hugs him. He gazes past her at the stadium CLOCK:
now or never. Presses his mouth to hers-- she recoils.
HARMONY
No ••• Harry, you mean so much to me.
It ••• It's different with you. If we do
it, it' 11 be magic. Worth waiting for •.
BACKTO PRESENT DAY.-- Harry steps aside for a young
child. Mutters politely, examines his ticket -- STOPS.
Looks up, · froWI)ing. Is it •. ? Nah. Couldn't be, yet --
IT IS, IT'S FLICKA.
Walking the concourse. Pulling her stewardess cart.
WITHFLICKA
She glances up, sees HARRYhustling toward her. Won't
even look at him. Eyes front, says:
FLICKA
She doesn't want to talk to you •.
 63 •

HARRY
I know that~ Maybe ••• maybe I don't want
to talk to her. Ever think of that?
Maybe it's you I'm interested in.
FLICK.A
Is that true?
HARRY
Well, no. Listen, she has a eel phone,
right? She must.
FLICK.A .
Forget it. This·is between you two --
HARRY
HERE. Look, a ticket, see? Baby, I'm
going. I just want to say something,
anything to her ••• I ••• I'm begging you.
Pause .•. She heaves a sigh:
FLICK.A
I'm gonna regret this.
Unzips a pouch in her carry-on. Pulls out a telephone-
slash-address book, flips through it:
FLICKA
. Let ' s see. • • Where is it, not here •••
that' s funny. . • Oh. . Of course.
HARRY
What? What's funny?
FLICK.A
Nothing, I forgot it's listed under !her
stage
. ,..
name •
. HARRY
No kidding? What' s her stage name •• ?

FLICK.A
•.• Ames. Allison Ames.
HARRY
Huh ••• Look, I really appreciate this, I
promise I --
He stops dead. Mid-sentence •
 64 •

HARRY
Say that name again?
FLICKA
Ames • • • A-M-E--
HARRY
Allison Ames, that's •.. that's Harmony's
stage name??
FLICKA
I think I just said that.
HARRY
And is that the name on her credit cards?
FLICKA
How should I know? Christ!
INT. CAR - DRIVING - NIGHT
HARRY is gunning it,. fifty-plus. Phone to his ear:
GAYPERRY. ( O. S.)
You have reached the offices of Sentron,
Inc. Please leave a message •
HARRY
Newsflash, Perry. Your client, Ames, it
was the little sister,. repeat, the little
sister. That's where ·Harmony's two grand
went, it's in your bank, you overpriced
bastard, HER KID SISTER HIRED YOU. Your
case and my case, man, now hear this,
it's the same fucking case!
EXT. HARMONY'SGUEST·HOUSE- NIGHT
aarry leaps from the car. Runs to the guest house.
Pounds on the door. Pause. Pounds again.
HARRY.
Harmony, it's me •. Something's happened,
it's about your sister.
(pounds)
I HAVETO TALK TO YOU.
What happens then happens quickly: Harmony FLINGS open
the door. Harry extends his hand:.
HARRY
Listen, I just found out
 65.

HARMONY
GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
She rears back like Nolan Ryan, SLAMSthe door--1
Cuts off his finger. Harry grunts. The color drains
from his face. Pause ••• She throws open the door again.
HARMONY
Hey, did I just cut off your fi--?
She stops. Sees him hunched, blood squirting. CUT TO:
A DOCTORSEWINGHIS FINGER BACKON
ECU of half a forefinger, as a needle draws stitches. To
one side, a coffee mug -- red-tinged ice cubes, we're
. INT. EMERGENCYROOM- NIGHT

HARRY, on local anesthesia; inventingswear words, M.O.S

Over this, bleeding into the next scene; we HEAR:·
HARMONY(ON TELEPHONE)
You're a genius. A GENIUS. I'm so sorry
I bailed, I had to go to work, oh, Harry,
I'm going nuts, I can't stop thinking
about this.
INT. CAB~ WITHHARRY
Harry·slouches, hand .bandaged. Phone to his ear.
HARMONY (O.S.)
What's Jenna's part in this -- I mean,
how'd she .~now where Ronnie Dexter would
be murdered? She s.ent you and Perry to
that exact place. •
Is that crazy or ,what?
: I

A pause. Harry mulls it over for a second, blurts:

HARRY
I CAN'T BELIEVE You· CUT OFF MY FINGER.
HARMONY (O.S.)
Oh, Harry, I'm so sorry ••• How is it?
I
HARRY
All shot up. can't feel a thing.
(beat)
Where's Perry? ~e gott~talk to him.
 66.

HARMONY (O.S.)
He's gonna stop by here. I can try the
pager again.
HARRY··
Won't matter. Pager, phone, they both
went swimming. You on catering detail?
. .

HARMONY (O.S.)
Yeah. Party up on Sunset Plaza. Listen,
remember you said the killer may have
· been at Dexter' s party? Well, that whole
bunch is here tonight~.
HARRY
Put me on the list.. I ' 11 be·. right· over.
HARMONY (0. S.)
Are you still doped up?
HARRY
Put me on the list. ·I • 11 drop by. Mayb0;
I can stir.the.kettle a bit, you know?
. Stick out a hat, see who shoots at it.
HARMONY (O.S.)
Maybe you should put the hat ·in the
kettle. Then if they shoot it! 11:
ricochet. · Harry, you sound trashed.
HARRY
Gimme the address.
EXT.• LOOMINGHOLLYWOOD
MANSION- NIGHT
The TAXI deposits HARRYin front of a Gothic monstrosity.
THROBof music from within. .· Voices,. laughter •
1
. ·

HARRY (V .O.)
· A young girl from Indiana comes to L.A.
Can't.hack it, cancels her subscription
to Life •. Voila -- r~ality. Case closed~
INT. PARTYPROPER..: WITH HARRY- WANDERING
. . .
. . . .

·Along the wall, at intervals, WINDOW DISPLAYS.

Tastefully naked men, women. Painted. IGNORINGthe
outside world. Not allowed to.react to it •
 67.

HARRY(V.o.)
Or was it •• ? Murder; suicide; either
way, the girl was dead -- but now it
mattered to me, I had to know.
HARRYjoins the milling crowd. Wanders outside into the
BACK YARD

A crush of bodies. Dancing, drinking, occasionally

falling. VIEW overlooking L.A., a panoply of lights.
IN A SKIMPYSANTAGETUP
HARMONY,
Emerges from the house. Spots HARRY,waves. Elbows her
way forward -- Fetches up next to him, clutching a bag.
HARMONY
I got it. Just now, my friend Tiff does
video dubbing at Fox.
Passes him the bag. He removes a TAPE; scans the label:
HARRY
"Koo-koo For Cocoa Cocks."
HARMONY
Wrong label; it's the Jonny Gossamer
movie. If Jenna was hunting her Mystery
Dad, this is where she'd start; right?
(beat) .. .
And Harry, get this -- the big stores
never heard of it. Four specialty shops
had a copy; one apiece. All rented.
HARRY
So?
HARMONY
You don't find that odd? A box .o.ffice
dud from 1980, and on a given night FOUR
people take the only available copies?
HARRY
(sighs)
Okay, listen, let's not go crazy·with the
conspiracy stuff.
HARMONY
Don't patronize me!
 68 •

HARRY
I 'rn not, I just --
He breaks off as PRETTY GIRL steps up, indicates HARRY:
PRETTY GIRL
Urn, I don't know if this guy's your
boyfriend or not, but just so you know,
while you were in the bathroom he was
totally checking me out.
She strides away smugly. Harry, ready to snap. Looks at
Harmony like everything's her fault.
HARRY
That's it. What IS it out here, these .••
these women•••
HARMONY
Please, they're no different fro--
HARRY.
Oh, yes they are. These are damaged·
goods from way back.
(simmering)
Show me a guy, sleeps with 100 women a
year. Go back in his childhood? Dollars
to doughnuts it's pretty unspectacular.
(beat) . · ..
Now. Show me a woman, sleeps with 100
guys a year, check out her childhood and
I guarantee you there's something rotten
in Denver --
HARMONY
. Denmark.
HARRY
There too. Abandonment. Abuse. Tlien
they all come out HERE, it's like someone
lifted.America by the east coast and
shook it,. and the normal chicks managed
to hang on.
He stops, realizing it's grown very quiet around them.
Every woman within ten· yards is staring at him.
HARMONY
Okay, everyone who hates Harry here,
raise their hand.
Half a dozen shoot skyward~ A VOICE rings out:
 69.

VOICE
See that?· Obedient little bitches, too.
GAYPERRY knows an entrance line when he sees one.
He joins the party. Ducks a flung drink, keeps walking
as it hits an old lady. Falls in beside Harry & Harmony:
GAYPERRY
Okay, you got thirty of my fucking
seconds. Thrill me.
INT. KITCHENPANTRY- NIGHT ·
Harmony waves all of them inside, shuts the door. Moving
quickly now. Turns on one of ·those combo TV/VCR units
that run $150. Hands Harry a sheet of paper-~
HARMONY
Cast list.
(turns)
Perry, catch.
She tosses him a VISA card. Issued to Allison Ames.
GAYPERRY
So, who's in this cinematic milestone,
anyhow?
HARRY
Michael ••. Beck? Whoever that is.
GAYPERRY
Ah. He starred in Xanadu.
(off their look:)
Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly. ~?
Harry jerks a thumb, mouths the word "gay." ·she nods.
Adjusts the TV unit, hits PLAY. Clears her throat:
HARMONY
Now. Perry, indulge me, I know this is,
like, a longshot --
Perry isn't even listening, points RIGHT AT THE SCREEN:
GAYPERRY
That's Harlan Dexter.
HARMONY
So don't jump all over us, you never know
when someth-- beg pardon?
 70.

GAY PERRY·
There. That's fucking Harlan Dexter,
he's 25 years younger, look.
She stops, mid-oratory. Blinks. Turns, and sure enough:
There's DEXTER, 27, punching Michael Beck in the gut. ·
Harry, Gay Perry, Harmony. All staring, slack-jawed.
Harmony hits PAUSE. Harry snatches up the cast list
ECU LIST: Midway down... D.EPO!l'Y Dexter Holcomb

HARRY
Shit. This ••• this makes sense. He had
the Gossamer books at his house.
GAY PERRY
Used to be an actor •••
Harmony sits bolt upright:
HARMONY
Uh-uh. No way.
(eyes widening)
Harry, the other night -- you remember, I
said our host, he looked familiar?
She takes an involuntary step back, like she saw a ghost.
HARMONY
Oh, God. I remember him, now. 1979, he
was there, I .SAWhim --
{points to the screen)
I saw him like. that. Young.
GAYPERRY
Whoa, slow down -- saw him where?
HARMONY
At our house. In Indiana. He came with
the movie people. I think .•• I think he
was the one who started Mom on those
books, God, is that true •• ?
She looks. from one to the other, shell-shocked. An
uncomfortable pause. Harry and Perry exchange glances.
HARRY
And your sister has to have seen this, so
what it comes down to •••
(frowns)
(MORE)
 71.

HARRY·(cont'd)
You tell your sister a fairy tale about
her real father •••
GAYPERRY
That brings her out here 20 years later,
hunting Harlan Dexter.
Harmony, now, looking even MOREhaunted •••
INT. PARTY - ENTRYHALL - NIGHT
GAYPERRY is shrugging into his coat.
GAYPERRY
I'm going. to·. Silver lake. I have ·a
surveillance. Do NOT play detective.
Understand? Two women are dead, this is
not a book, this is not FUN.
HARRY
I know that, you think I'm stupid?
GAYPERRY
You wouldn't know where to feed yourself
if your mouth didn't flap so much.
He walks away. Harry sighs. · Unwraps a stick of gum •••
Alone again. Except for a MERMAID b~hind glass. ·. Harry
waves howdy. Gets the required blank stare. Takes the
video bag. Blows it up, makes as if to POP it •••
· .The only thing that moves is her middle finger. Unfurls,
pointing at Harry. The eyes remain blank.·
- SAME
EXT. BACKYARD
HARRY wanders, zc;med-out. Tired. Party,· surging nearby.
tt:e's on the outskirts. Sips a stiff drink, it's been a
looooong day ••• Bumps someone, starts to apologize --
No need. The guy KEEPS bumping him. Crowding him, as
ANOTHERMAN materializes, falls in alongside, what--?
The bastards have him flanked. Cosby/Culp duo. One's
black, the other white. Tall. Leather jackets.
Harry feels a GUN in his ribs:
LEATHERJACKET #1
Keep walking. ·
 72 •

HARRY
(groans, shakes his head))
Perfect ••• Just perfect •.•
They lead him around the side of the house. To a pocket
of deep shadow ••• PARTY noise,rnuted, distant.
LEATHER#1
Well, now. Here we all are, Ike, Mike
and Mustard.
Even through his burgeoning terror, Harry's confused:
HARRY
• • • What the hell' s that mean .• ?
Leather #2 looks up, frowning:
LEATHER#2
I gotta go with him on this one, man,
that's pretty fucking obscure.
LEATHER·#l
Horseshit. I hear it all the time.
LEATHER#2
You do.
LEATHER#1
Yeah, sure.
LEATHER#2
Where, at the 1942 Club meeting?
LEATHER#1
Hey, just 'cause you didn't get in--
Harry tries to act indignant:
HARRY
This is bullshit. Who the f--aaaGGH .• !
Leather #2 strikes him with.a lead SAP. Harry half~
whistles, half screams. Leather #1 leans in:
LEATHER#1
Friend, what you.are in here is what we
like to call a JAM. Boy, do we like to
call it that.
 73.

LEATHER#2
You said it. I could call this a jam all
night.
LEATHER#1
You wanna know who we are? Real simple.
Me? I'm the frying pan, see, and my
buddy over here, he's --
LEATHER#2
Mustard. I'm Mustard.
LEATHER#1
-- He's the FIRE, fuck you, Mr. Mustard.
NOW. Me and my man, we're puzzled by
your behavior lately. Such as --
LEATHER#2
Such as, why is· a saavy stand-up cat like
yourself consorting with gay men,
frolicking in a lake together?
HARRY
You were there •• ? With the masks, that
was you?
The guy grabs Harry's bandaged hand --
LEATHERJACKET
Pal. You don't ask the questions.
Twists, WRENCHES--
HARRY
Aaahhh •.• l Oh, shit, OH JESUS you tore
it off, you tore off my FUCKINGFINGER!!
The bandage is now STAINING itself a deep red. Somewhere
under it, a detached digit.
LEATHER#1
Now, I bet there are doctors in New York,
clear that shit right up.
Leather #2 drives a FIST into Harry's kidney •
. LEATHER#2
L.A. don't want you, tough guy.
LEATHER#1
Go home, sport. Don't make your daughter
an orphan. ·
 74.

Harry collapses, clutching himself. Retching. Watches

their svelte tan loafers, walking away ••• CUT TO:
INT. CAR - DRIVING - HOLLYWOOD
- NIGHT
HARMONY, zipping along in her SUV. HARRYin the
backseat. Lying prone, cradling his hand.
HARMONY
Five minutes away, hang in there.
Harry •• ? Hello •• ? You with me?
HARRY
I'm here.
HARMONY
Talk to me. our mascot, back in school
what the hell was it? You remember?
HARRY
Whitey.
(grimaces)
The white knight. 'Spose it's better
than calling him "Knighty," then he'd be
"Knighty-Knight, pretty
11
soon· the
mascot's named "Ta-Ta," or "Toodles," and
then you're really --
Harmony interrupts with a startled yelp.
HARMONY
Harry! That's :tl:lfiln. 12 o'clock, ·1ook!
You said a black guy and a white guy?
A BLUE IMPALA-- directly ahead. Two forms, clearly
visible inside. Big.
HARRY
Yeah, yeah, that's them. Get.the plate,
call the cops.
HARMONY
I will, I will. Lemme find a pen --
HARRY
Whatever, watch the road. Hello .• ?
(beat)
What are we doing? Are we slowing gmm?
HARMONY
I was leaning over to get a pen •
 75.

HARRY .
Harmony, you are not following them.
Please tell me you"re not --
HARMONY
I'm taking you to the hospital.
HARRY
Well, I HOPE so •
. HARMONY
It's just, they're on the way, is all.
HARRY
DO NOT FOLLOWTHEM.
HARMONY
I'm NOT.
(turns around)
You wanna go another way? 'Cause I don't
know about me, but they're headed for the
hospital.
HARRY
Well, speed up .
HARMONY
You just told me to get the plates!
(shakes her head)
Sheesh, beat him up, he gets grouchy.
THE IMPALAmakes a sharp turn. Onto a cross street.
HARRY
Straight. We go straight.
HARMONY
I know that.
As she blows through the intersection, she sees the sign:
Silverlake Blvd. Frowns. Takes a second to register •••
HARMONY
Holy shit. Perry's stakeout.
HARRY
Excuse me?
HARMONY
Perry's stakeout, he said Silverlake,
didn't he?
 76.

HARRY
What's that got to do with anyth--
HARMONY
Oh, my God. It ' s a setup. The stakeout,
they set him up, they're going after
Perry!
HARRY
Ho, wait a second. My finger's hanging
off, we gotta move on this --
. HARMONY
Sure, meanwhile they're murdering Perry.
HARRY
Maybe. ·It's a STREET. They could go
left, right, maybe they're going to the
d~ movies --
HARMONY
You wanna take that chance? Look, we'll
go save Perry, we'll do it really
quickly, then we'll go fix your finger.
HARRY
But --
.HARMONY
I'll be incredibly fast, I promise; "Hey,
Perry, look out," boom, back in the car.
Cool? Cool. ·
She throws the car into a SMOKINGU as we .CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - SILVERLAKE~ NIGHT
Harmony cruises the boulevard, ·eyes roving. Up ahead,
tne entrance to a wooded PARK.
HARMONY
Ha! Bingo.
The BLUE IMPALA. Parked at the curb. Empty. Harmony
lurches to a stop. Twists around, says:
HARMONY
They're on foot. If I leave the keys, , .
can you drive yourself?
 77.

HARRY
(sighs·tiredly)
Yes. Yes, I can. Go.
Harmony nods. Takes the .38 revolver from Harry's
jacket. Stares at it with silent awe. Swallows hard.
HARMONY
Okay. Here I go.
EXT. PARKENTRANCE- SAMETIME
Harmony heads into the park.
An afterthought, she loses the Santa hat. Sadly, there's
still the·costume: not so much deadly as adorable.
INT. SUV - BACKWITH HARRY
In the backseat, he sits up. Fully intends to transfer
to the front. Reaches for the door handle.
Scenery, spinning ••• Deep breath. Tries again •••
topples to the FLOORBOARDS,unconscious as
THROUGH
THE WINDSHIELD
Up ahead, we see a form we recognize:
MR. FRYING PAN crosses from a gas station, sipping
coffee. Reaches the parked Impala, phone to his ear:
MR. PAN.
Uh-huh. . • Anybody around him •. ? .
Terrific ••• On my way . . Got you a danish.
He clicks off. Gets in the car. Reaches in a pocket
Extracts a Sig Sauer AUTOMATIC,and meanwhile
EXT. WOODED
PARK - WITH HARMONY
HARMONY,crouched low •• 38 held loosely at her side.
Low MIST, inches off the ground. The lamps have HALOS.
She moves forward at a dead run~ In and out through the
trees. Eyes roving --
That's when she first notices THE GIRL.
25, give or take. Torn jeans. PINK HAIR. Punk-ish.
Harmony ducks behind a tree. Watches the girl stroll out
of the park •
 78.

Now Harmony sprints uphill to a BRICK WALL•

The one that borders the park. Roughly five feet high.
Finds she can stay to this side of it and still see the
STREET, where Pink-Haired Girl walks.
Still a block downrange. Harmony looks back at the park.
Reacts, startled:
Now there's a strange MANin the park.
strolling south, eating peanuts. She fidgets. Peers
over the wall again --
THERE HE IS, THERE'S PERRY
Coming out of a LIQUOR STORE two blocks down. Harmony
heaves a HUGE sigh of relief •••
PERRY, meanwhile, sucks on a beer.
Ambles along, shadowing PINK-HAIRED GIRL; his ..
aforementioned surveillance job. No idea Harmony's near--
Except she's not so near, not anymore. She's 75 yards
away. She creeps along the wall. Keeping him in sight •
ANOTHERANGLE - HEADLIGHTS
A car, nearing the park .•• She thinks nothing of it.
Glances up as it goes by, then promptly turns to STONE
THE BLUE IMPALAis back in the picture.
Gliding like an Angel of Death. She watches, terrified,
as it moves down the block. Closing on Perry.
Harmony starts to run.
HARMONY
PERRY!

One foot in front of the c;,ther. One, two. One, two.

Feet slapping the ground. Eyes dead ahead. Locked on
target.
HARMONY
P;ERRY!

He doesn .'t hear her, or doesn't acknowledge. She. hi ts

pace. Legs scissoring. It's a solid pace ••.
 79.

She doubles it. Arms pumping. Legs pistoning. FASTER

now, faster than before. Lets loose, FLYING•••
The man with the peanuts TRIPS her.
She never saw him coming. All. of a sudden she's
sailing. • . Hi ts, wham--! Slides on wet leaves, and now
MR. FIRE (aka Peanut Man) is ON HER, clamping a hand to
her mouth. Bearing her to the ground, got her by the
THROAT --

She HEAD-BUTTS him. Everything she's got. He rears

backward, HOWLING. Nose flattened.
That's done it. Harmony breaks loose. DIVES, rolls-~
Comes up sprinting. Goes airborne .• ! Leaps atop a·trash
can. From there to the WALL~ Straddles it, up and over--
HARMONY
PERRY, LOOK OUT--!
She tumbles off the wall, flailing •. THE GUN goes flying.
Strikes the pavement, GOES OFF, Bang--/
A picture .window EXPLODES. Collapses •·
THAT.gets Perry's attention. Two blocks away, he SPINS --
135 SEES HEADLIGHTS -- Sudden and HUGE. 135
What happens next happens quickly.
PERRY DIVES. Onto a parked car. Rolls across the hood,
_nick of time as the Impala SIDESWIPES the· car, WHAM-!
and somehow
A GUN MATERIALIZES in his hand, like a magician's trick
and WITHOUTA THOUGHThe sticks it out behind him and
while rolling, blows two shots backward at the Impala --
WINGS THE DRIVER
Guy takes it in the shoulder, car goes shrieking past and
PERRY, NOW
Smacks the pavement, HARD. Rolls, comes up --
139 SEES THE IMPALA 139
 80.

VEER, crazily. Out of control. FIRES after it, three

more shots, starts to run •
Up ahead it strikes the curb, doing fifty~-
Blows its tires. CATAPULTSonto the sidewalk. Captures
a fire hydrant -- Buries itself in a LIQUOR STORE.
Shelves ERUPT. Wood, BLASTEDto splinters. Finally
shudders to a halt, as
MR. FRYING PAN tumbles
THE UNFLAPPABLE out.
Hits, rolls -- comes up moving. Drawing his pistol.
Heads for the door, running full out --
Unfortunately running in full view of the store OWNER,
who promptly blows the shit out of him. POW/ POW! POW/
Drops him. Guy dies more surprised than anything else.
And it's over, just that quick, and consequently GAY
PERRY simply reverses direction -- as the corpse topples
he's already loping back the way he came.
Car alarms SINGING their song. A geyser of WATER
spouting thirty feet high, and meanwhile
EXT. PARK - ROADSIDE

PINK-HAIRED GIRL, on the run. Terrified.

Gunfire, murder, this wasn't in the libretto. She sees
Harmony's SUV. Door open. Keys dangling in plain sight.
Salvation. She jumps in, keys the ignition, goes roaring
off. Never bothers to check in back •••
Where HARRY, unconscious, inhabits the floorboards.
INT. PARK - SAMETIME
PERRY shoves HARMONY over the brick wall. Follows a
s~cond behind, into the PARK.
GAY PERRY
The girl with the pink hair. She ran
this way, did you see her?
HARMONY
N••• No. And the man, he... got away.
I ••• I couldn't shoot him •
 81.

GAYPERRY
It's okay. You did great, you did just
fine.
SIRENS, now. Flashing LIGHTS, drawing near. · They
stagger off. The dark absorbs them. DISSOLVE .TO•••
HARMONY'SSUV
As HARRYcomes slowly awake. Groans. Disoriented. Sits
up. Extricates himself from the floorboards. Peers out··
the window: finds himself in a tidy.one-car GARAGE.
TIME CUT: HARRYEXITS THE VEHICLE.
He takes .his bearings. Totters toward the side door.
Past TRASH, brimming ••• He stops. Frowns. Backs up.
Focuses on one barrel. Paper, coffee grounds. • • A BAG.
He pulls it free: ALLEN'S VIDEO -- The Specialist.
Then another -- Rocket Video. Another. Another. Four
bags altogether. This is too creepy. He replaces them.
A SOUND. Harry whirls--!
The DOOR's opening. He reacts, darts behind the SUV --
Ms. PINK-HAIR emerges with a collie at her heels. Snags
a LEASH from a wall peg. Exits to the street. Gone.
The house is his.
THE STAIRS - WITH HARRY
Harry moves upward, silently. Second floor. Peers into
rooms .•• Christmas TUNES, on the CD player. Droning.
He finds them in thebedroom:
FOUR COPIES of Jonny Gossamer. On the nightstand. 20th
Century Fox, 1979. Well, I'll. be damned, pe thinks
Then FREEZES. Swears under his breath.
THE FRONTDOOR is opening again downstairs • No way.
Less than two MINUTES? Whatever the case, she's back
And SOMEONEELSE is back. Harry hears a male VOICE:
MALEVOICE (O.S.)
First things first, you gotta get rid of
that car. Ditch it •
 82.

Harry pokes his head into the hall -- Ducks back, fast •
They're on the stairs. Her head appears, she's saying:
PINK HAIR
I'm sorry, I know you said there'd be •.•
consequences, but ••• I .• I saw that man
shot to death. I was so scared.
Coming to the bedroom. No time, no time to think-~ He
drops flat. Scrambles beneath the bed. Peers out:
Sees a set of pressed male SLACKSappear. Then JEANS,
sneakers; the girl. She sits on the bed, Harry feels it.
MALEVOICE (O.S.)
Yes, of course, we should absolutely talk
about it. ·
~INK HAIR.
Thanks, thank you so much. It's nothing
against your boss, I. .. I'm grateful... ·
MALEVOICE
I understand •. Believe me. I spoke with
him, and you won't have to do anything
like this ever again. Swear •
PINK HAIR
You mean it?·
. MALE.VOICE·
Yup.
A phhhtttt-! of sound. Another. An inch away, Harry
sees the carpet leap up--/ BOTH SHOTS penetrate the bed.
It's all HARRYcan do to keep from screaming.; He FEELS
her topple. She flops to the mattress. Rolls. off the
bed. Strikes the floor. He.recoils -- '
She's RIGHT THERE, inches away on the carpet.
Back arched spastically. Mouth open~
And even as he registers the bloody wounds, the fact that
she's not gonna make it, her HEADlolls to one side, eyes
wide in shock --
SHE SEES HARRY. All of a sudden, sees a strange man
under her bed. Maybe five seconds left to her. Says:
 83.

PINK HAIR
Who••• are you •• ?
Her eyes, inches from his. The two of them, close as
lovers ••• And Harry panics. Reacts instinctively.
Jams a finger to her lips. CUTS HER OFF.
Withdraws it. Presses it to his own lips. Eyes pleading
with her, please, oh, please be quiet •••
Her mo~th works soundlessly •. The light behind her eyes,
dimming. She looks to him, afraid, IMPLORING--
He wills her SILENT, that's right, honey, just for the
next few seconds, good girl •.•
Seconds are all she has. She passes them in pain. --
And then, obediently silent, she dies.
The lights go out. Her breath escapes. Harry having
denied her a single word. This will haunt him for as
long as he chooses to live.
He shifts his attention: watches the tailored slacks exit
the room.· Hears something plunk on the dresser top.
HARRYpeeks his head out. Looks to.the dresser -- There.
Sitting all by its lonesome: A silenced AUTOMATIC.
The son of a bitch left his gun.
Harry breaks cover. Climbs to his feet. Crosses to the
dresser. An automaton. Calmly .claims the gun.
Checks the safety. Flicks it off. Turns, hearing
FOOTSTEPSapproach. Grits his teeth. Bides his time
MR. FIRE DOESN'T SEE HIM at first. Appears in the
doorway, putting on gloves. Blanket, over his shoulder.
Then he does see Harry. Guy's a pro, gotta give it to
him. A flicker of reaction; that's all.
MR. FIRE
Hey. You still around, tough guy? Got a
gun, I see. Damn. You are tough.
Harry DOUBLETAPS, ba-bam--i Puts two in his gut •
 84.

FIRE regards him in stunned disbelief. Looks ·down. Sees

red. Harry pauses., adjusting his aim --
Then he just keeps pulling the trigger, burning new
holes. SHOT AFTER SHOT. The guy jitters; perforated
Flops against the stair rail. Overbalances. Legs,
yanked up and over-~ Plummets. Slams a glass coffee
table, explodes it. Bounces once. Hits, dead .•
HARRY, THE EXECUTIONER
Watches SMOKErise from the gun barrel. A song begins:
"I Saw Three Ships •. "
He kneels beside the dead girl. Grimaces as he wipes the
gun and places it in her hand.
HARRY
I'm sorry.
TIME CUT: DOWNSTAIRS- MOMENTS
LATER
FIRE'S GLOVE, fallen. Harry bends -- Picks it up.
Shrugs it onto his good hand.
Staggers into the kitchen. In .shock •
DOGbarking. Out in the garage. Without thinking, he
opens the door, admits the beast. It wiggles with joy.
Harry checks the cupboard. DOGSTUFF. Leash, bowl ••.
Medicine, yeah. Takes ointment. Hydrogen Peroxide.
Here's the gross part, UNWRAPS the injured hand •••
Reaches into the mess. Plucks free his precious .FINGER.
Sets it on the table·.· Crosses to the sink, e~tends his
·hand DOUSES it with peroxide. He nearly sc:iu;AMs.
I

BEHIND HIM -- we see the DOG, paws on the table •••

Steals the FINGER. Prances off, tail wagging. Harry
moves to the table. Stops. . What the hell •• ?
Looks underneath. Looks to the side. Hears an excited
little whuff--! from the corner
HAPPYDOGdangles the finger. Waggles his head, come get
me. Harry's in no mood. He makes a grab for the dog -- . ,
The animal DODGES. Vanishes around a corner. Pause .••

_
 85.

Sticks his·head out, peeks back at Harry. Another little

whuff--! This is fucking insane
HARRY'S PHONERINGS. He . jumps. Stabs the talk button --
HARRY
Yeah, what?
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
Where the hell are you?
HARRY
I'm ••• I'm with the kidnappers, one 0£
them, anyhow, he's ••. he's dead, I shot
him, Harmony's car is parked here --
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
Jesus. Harry, wipe the place clean and
get out of there!
HARRY
Hey, man, I ••• I can't. I WANTto.
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
So DO IT.
HARRY
My. • • my fingerprint's here, inan, the
dog's got it.
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
HARRY. No one's gonna dust the fucking
dog
HARRY
No, asshole, he's got the finger, the
whole thing, with the ••• the print part,
I think he thinks it's a game.
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
Get the finger. Kill the dog. Get out
of there. ·
HARRY
Hang ••• hang on, I think
As he watches, the dog raises its muzzle -- CHOMPS, once.
Throat convulses. An audible gulp--!
HARRY
I, uh ••• I think weire safe. Hey,
Perry •• ?
(pause)
(MORE)·
 86.

HARRY(cont'd)
Perry, I ••• I shot a guy. I never done
that •
He hits the button. Hangs up. Starts to cry. DISSOLVE:
A TV NEWSWOMAN,
doing a remote from outside the same
house:
NEWSWOMAN
••• Have been linked, through items found
within this Silverlake home, to the
kidnap-murder of socialite Veronica
Dexter. Police theorize a possible
falling-out between the kidnappers,
resulting in at least two deaths and
possibly a third tonight, as •••
She goes on, we PULL BACK from the TV screen .••
INT . ..HOTELCOFFEE SHOP - HOTEL- NIGHT

A patched-up HARRYsits with HARMONY

& GAY PERRY.

GAYPERRY
So. This evening, was it· "Jonny
Gossamer" enough for you?
HARRY
Tell you the truth? Jonny Gossamer
always has a WAYbigger ending. Harmqny,
you know; there's a part where he gets
tortured --
HARMONY
Tortured, sure. Then he breaks free and
shoots sixteen guys.
HARRY
Always sixteen, funny thing.
(beat)
So listen. It's ••• it's over, right?
They said the kidnappers were all dead
HARMONY
and PERRY exchange an awkward look:
GAY PERRY
Harry, I'd be lying if I said I didn't
still have •.•• questions.
(off Harry's look:)
Harmony's sister -- if she stumbled on a
murder plot, why hire ME to go film it?
Why not simply call the police?
 87.

HARMONY
speaks_ up:
HARMONY
And I still think the daughter pusiness
is wanky. Last summer she says Daddy
siphoned off Mom's estate. Sues Daddy.
Flies to L.A. to put Daddy behind bars.
HARRY
Has this •.. thing, this reconcilement--
. . GAYPERRY
Reconciliation, idiot. Yeah •••
Everything changes, boom. She withdraws·
the suit, moves in, suddenly they're
inseparabl.e.
HARRY
So, what are you saying, we're gonna,
like, probe deeper •. ?
GAYPERRY
Absolutely not. Isn't that right?
He casts a pointed look at HARMONY-- she scowls. A
TEENAGERacross the room pipes up:
TEENAGER
Hey, you guys talking about a murder?
Perry looks around, startled.
TEENAGER
You just said you saw that Dexter chick
gettin' killed. Someone paid you to film
it.

GAY PERRY 1.
No, no, we were just talking.
TEENAGER
Oh, 'cause I heard you say it just a
second ago.
HARMONY
Look, pal, we're making a movie here,
.capisce? About the murder.
TEENAGER
Already? Man, that's quick!
Perry shakes his head. Gather his coat; starts to rise
 89.

HARRY
Ye.ah. Well, it worked.
HARMONY
No one else thinks so.
HARRY
I don't count?
HARMONY
You're new here. Look around, there's
younger and better.
HARRY
I don't want younger and better, I want
you.
(flinches)
Um, that didn't come out right
HARMONY
It doesn It matter. Look, . I should go -- ..
She turns, slings her bag over her shoulder. Harry.looks
up at the winter moon. A pause .•• then:
HARRY
I steal shit.
HARMONY
(blinks)
Come c;tgain?
HARRY
That's what I do for a living. I steal
audio-visual components.
He regards her with an odd, thoughtful expression. 1

HARRY
I've never finished a Goddamn thing I
started, ever. School, marriage ••• can't
even take off a lousy liquor store,
halfway through, boom -- I cut and run •.
HARMONY
Like the other night, you're all over me,
then you give up --
HARRY
switched to the homely friend, exactly.
Listen, please don't go yet, this •••
(MORE)
 90.

HARRY(cont'd)
(beat)
This isn't finished .
They stand, breath pluming in front of them. She sighs:
HARMONY
Does this dump have a bar?
INT. HARRY'S HOTELROOM
They stumble in, tipsy. He sets his drink down. In the
dark, watches Harmony shed her top. Step out of her
skirt.
HARMONY,her toned, contoured form •.•
Then a quick FLASH: DEADGIRL, wet dress, molded to her.
~ACK TO NOW: Harry blinks.
HARRY
I just thought of something.
(looks up)
Ronnie Dexter. I saw her body up close,
hell, I carried the damn thing. Both
times •• 7 The dress was, like, soaked
through, transparent •
HARMONY
Where are you going with this?
HARRY
Perry said this chick was heavy into the
born-again bit, but ••• ah, it's probably
nothing, just .•• well, if she had on
underwear, I didn't see any, um, I guess
I'm taking the couch--?
HARMONY
has dispensed with underwear. Slides into bed.
HARMONY
Yeah, thanks .•• I mean, you could sleep
here, but ••• it would just be sleeping,
if that's gonna frustrate you --
He finishes his drink. Shrugs. Slides in. beside her.
He.pulls her close. Begins to stroke her hair. She
sighs deeply -- lays her head back on his chest •
 91.

HARMONY
So iong ago.· Since I took that midnight
bus. Things didn't really ••. turn out
how we hoped. Did they?
HARRY
I can think of worse places to be.
She meets his eye.
HARMONY
Is that so, Whitey •• ?
Her voice soft, slurred ••• He rolls his head toward her.
HARRY
You calling me a knight •• ?
HARMONY
Maybe, yeah, except for the boner; that's
not too knightly, I guess --
HARRY
The hell it isn't. Nightly and most
mornings •
She giggles. Closes her eyes. They lie there. Outside,
rain falls. Neon -flashes •. Pause Harry sits up.
HARRY
Fuck it. I'm not a knight. I'm going
nuts here.
He switches on the lamp.
HARMONY
Harry?. I'm sorry. If I'm teasing, if •••
if you're ••• I mean, I can do ••• well,
SOMETHING,if you're .all uncomfo--
HARRY.
No. For Chrissakes, no.
He stands. Dry-washes his face with his hands.
HARRY
I don't want you to offer it as .•• as,
like, a COURTESY,I --
She stops him mid-sentence. Slips out of bed
Materializes before him. Presses a finger to his lips ...
 92.

Finger, the opening act for her mouth. They kiss. A

coin-toss who's more frightened. They pull back •••
HARRY
I ... wow. I saw fireworks. Did you see
fireworks?
HARMONY
No, but I was facing the other direction.
(sad sigh)
Oh, Harry ••• Once we do this, you'll stop
calling me.
HARRY
That's crazy. You're my dream girl,
this ••• this is destiny.
Pause. She regards him searchingly ••• nods, sighs:
HARMONY
Okay, Harry. Tonight, I'll believe that.
She rolls atop him. Eyes, luminous in the half-dark ••.
HARMONY
For one night •• ? I'll believe anything •
They fall together; few years.late, a buck or two short.
SAMEBED - BREAKOF DAY
· Harmony, sprawled. Smiling. Spill of hair across a
pillow. Harry beside her, looking suitably worn-out.
CLOSE ON HARRY: Seeming peaceful ••• His eyes are
closed ••• Suddenly they OPEN. He frowns:
FLASH TO: FOOTBALLFIELD - 19ij7 - HARRY & HARMO~Y

H.armony, 16. Saying goodbye to HARRY. The exact same

FLASHBACK.weviewed previously {page 64) --
HARMONY (AGE 17)
Gotta catch my bus. If I don't go now, I
never will. I'm gonna miss you •• ~.
But now, the camera ACCELERATES,sort of fast-forwards
thru the goodbye .•• ZIPS past Harmony, veers UPWARD--!
WHAM--! Stops dead on the STADIUMCLOCK.
 93 •

WITHHARRY,PRESENTDAY -- His eyes snap OPEN. He speaks

softly, as much to himself as to her.
HARRY
Uh, Harm •• ? Way back when, the night you
left Indiana You, uh ••• you sure you
took the midnight bus •• ? Not the 8:30?
HARMONY
Hrnmm•• ? Oh. 8:30 •• ? Yeeahhh ••• Guess
you're right. DUH. Seemed later.
By now, though, Harry is frowning furiously --
HARRY
She didn't want me to give her a ride •••
FLASH TO: FOOTBALLFIELD.- BACKWE ~O AGAIN - 1987
YOUNGHARRYgets into his car, watches HARMONY's
retreating form, moving off through the tall grass •••
Here we go again, as CAMERAovertakes her •• !, Zips past,
makes an ARROWtoward a house ••• lone MAILBOXout front;
painted there, a name: CHUTNEY. CUT TO:
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
- SAME
Harmony's PURSE comes flying out. Strikes her in the
chest as she stands outside the room, in tears.
HARRY·
(sticks his head out)
You said you were gonna quote-unquote
"wave·goodbye" to him. Chock, my best•
friend, Jesus!!
HARMONY
I. just stopped ~, I •••
HARRY
For three and a half-hours?? You made. it
with Chook Chutney. Just say it.·
HARMONY
I ••• I'd never see him again, he ••• he
looked so sad •••
(scoops up her purse)
Harry, for Chrissake, this was forever
ago, I was a different.person •• !
 94 •

HARRY
Watch your hand.
She withdraws her fingers -- He SLAMSTHE DOORas hard as
he can. CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - HOTEL ENTRANCE,...DAWN
HARMONY.does the Walk of Shame. Stumbles out in tears,
using her rolled-up socks and panties as Kleenex. A TAXI
pulls to the curb. She gets in. CUT TO:
. FOURTHFLOOR - HARRYAT HIS WINDOW
- LOOKINGOUT
There she goes. Sorry, sport. He looks haggard.
INT. TAXICAB- WITH HARMONY
HARMONY, brazenly weeping. Fishes in her bag for an
actual Kleenex. Stuffs in the panties and socks --
Abruptly, she .FREEZES. Breath suspended. Something goes
click behind her eyes. CUT TO: .
INT. HARRY'SHOTELROOM- SAME
The phone RINGS, startling him. He snatches it, rasps:
HARRY
••• Yeah ••• ·
HARMONY,
barely intelligible -- clearly just sobbing:
HARMONY
(O.S.)
Wah she waped •• ?
HARRY
Huh?
HARMONY (O.S,}
The Dextow Goel. Waped -- Raped. Sowey.
Harry falters,·caught off guard -- clears his throat:
HARRY
No. Um••• M.E. 1 s report showed ••• no
indication of ••• stuff. Rape.
Click •• ! He stares dumbly at the receiver. Huh?
Slowly sets down the phone. Sighs. Looks at the bed ••.
Stops, squints -- she's left something behind:
 95 .

It's the BOOKshe lifted from Dexter. Must've fallen

from her bag. Harry bends down, scans the title --

Straighten Upand Die Right - A Jonny Gossamer Thriller

Cover: LIGHTNING flash. JONNYwalks a rainswept city •••
Harry tosses it aside. Flops full-length onto the BED --
CUT TO BLACK. Pause .•• then SUPER:
DAY FOUR - THE SIMPLE ART OF MURDER

Next thing HARRYknows,· WHOOMPH-- ! He' s being SWATTED in

the face, repeatedly. GAYPERRY hauls him out of bed --
HARRY
Huh--? But .•. what did I do--?
GAY PERRY
HARMONY'S IN TROUBLE.
(beat)
·Grab a fuqking coat and let's go.
FOUNTAIN AVENUE - DRIVING - WITH HARRY.AND PERRY

PERRY, in a highly agitated state. Fishes out a pocket

recorder, hits Play. Holds it up:
HARMONY(ON TAPE}
Perry, me. Listen, this. Ronnie Dexter
business stinks. I'm gonna check
something -- something Harry said. Call
me. If I'm right, you're gonna shit.
He clicks it off.
. GAYPERRY
What did you say to her?
HARRY
Back up. I don't get what's happening
GAYPERRY
What's happening is she solved this
thing. I know her. The sly little bitch
saw something I missed and she solved the
case. Now she's disappeared. ·
He draws a ragged breath. Pounds the steering wheel •
 96 •

GAY PERRY
Before she left-~ Did you talk about the
case? Anything at all, think.
CUT TO: OVERHEAD
ANGLEON CAR
Heading west on Fountain ••• Pause ••. Pause ••• SCREECH-!
It stops. U-turns. Goes hurtling back the other way.
HARRY (V .o.)
I tell him about destiny; ·he's shaking
his head. About seeing fireworks; .he
doesn't care. I mention the underwear
thing -- he has a fucking conniption.
· (beat)
And you? How about it, filmgoer? Have
you solved "The case of the ••. the Dead
People In L.A.?" Times Square audiences,
please dcin' t shout at the scr·ee~. And
stop picking that, it'll just get worse.
EXT. DOWNTOWN
STREET - NIGHT
Camera CRANESDOWNpast trees, past a sign: DEXTER
CLINIC: Rehabilitation Center. In through a WINDOW...
A FAT WOMAN sits fashioning a clay.Santa. She is insane.
Smiles without warning. Makes. odd darting movements.
Behind her, someone CLEARS HIS THROAT. She turns --
Sees HARRYand PERRY standing just inside her door.
HARRY
Good evening, Ma'am. How are you?
WOMAN
They gave away my crickets •.
HARRY
Sorry to hear that. Say, listen ••.
have you by any chance seen this
woman around?
Holds out a snapshot of HARMONY. She shakes her head, no.
GAY PERRY
(bull by the horns)
Ma'am, I hope you won't take
offense when I ask if you're
wearing anything at all under your
hospital greens. Undergarments.
It's important •
 97.

She doesn't miss a beat. Steps out of her bottoms --

Stands brazenly nude, holding Santa •
HARRY
That ••. is one sorry ass ••• clay Santa.
HALLWAY
- SAME
They walk briskly, checking room to room. Harry whispers:
HARRY
That's the clue, isn't it, Ronnie
Dexter was here. She was a
patient.
GAY PERRY
(nods)
Private clinic. Where even nice
girls don't wear undies.
Harry frowns:
HARRY
Yo. How could Ronnie•Dexter be a
patient while she's having birthday
parties and dancing and shit?
Perry turns, exasperated. GRABSHarry by the shoulders --
they·lock eyes:
GAY.PERRY
Harry, think. First she hates her
Dad, then she loves him.· Sues him,
then backs down. WHY? I'll tell
you why --
HARRYspeaks, then, so softly we can barely hear him:
HARRY
Oh, my God. It's two different
girls .•
He looks up at Perry, eyes haunted.
HARRY
He stashed his daughter in here •••
while a ringer took her place.
Perry nods. Touches the tip of his nose.
FOOTSTEPS, approaching. Perry grabs Harry.
Yanks him inside a BATHROOM
--
 98.

THEYARE SILENT as a whistling ORDERLYpasses by outside ••.

Harry shakes his head.
HARRY
This is nuts. You, of all people
Perry nods grimly. Leans against the sink.
GAYPERRY
All ~e needed was a girl who looked
enough like her to appear in court
and withdraw the complaint.
( soft chuckle)
No one's gonna believe us. They'll
say it '·s right out of a Jonny
Gossamer book.
HARRY
Of course it is. The guy who
planned the crime READ ALL.THE
GODDAMN BOOKS. They're in his
house. Plus he was-in that piece-
of-shit movi--
He breaks off, mid-sentence •
HARRY
Oh, my God.
Turns slowly, regards Perry from across the room.
HARRY
Hey, man .• ? Listen, this girl,
this ••• impostor, um, you thinking
what I'm thinking?
Perry shrugs. Frowns.
GAY PERRY
I'm a desperateman, in need of a
replacement daughter ••• Same time,
along comes a girl. Harmony's
sister, looking for her Daddy.
HARRY
Fresh off the bus. Blonde, petite--
GAYPERRY
I'd say I found my impostor.
(beat)
Fuck it. Let's get out of here •
 99.

EXT. CLINIC - NIGHT

They exit by the back door, furtive. Come waltzing up the
loading ramp. Crossing the parking lot. Toward the
surrounding TREES
VOICE (O.S.)
Good evening, gentlemen.
A VOICE, behind them. They spin, startled.
Caught: like deer in headlights.
AN ORDERLYin hospital whites.
Tall, muscular .•• Fully armed~ Swell.
GAY PERRY
Sir, hi. Um, we're lost
The man unholsters his REVOLVER.
GUARD
Mr. van Shrike, hello. Aren't you
chilly? Come back inside •
GAYPERRY
Actually? I 'm f rorn back east, I 'm ..
kinda digging the cold --
ORDERLY
Or I can kill you here.
Perry sighs. Damn. It's never easy •••
EXT. PARKINGLOT
The guard marches. them back toward the building. The barrel
of the pistol jammed in Perry's back.
GAYPERRY
(jovial)
You know, Harry, I was thinking
some more about real life versus
fiction.
HARRY
Is that a fact?
 100.

GAY PERRY
Like how, in movies, you stick a
gun in some schmuck's back, you
say, "keep walking," and no sweat,
you got a hostage.
HARRY
I do believe I've seen that film.
GAY PERRY·
Funny thing is, a real pro insists on
five feet of separation, the reason
being •••
Perry transforms to an urgent BLUR. Spins, lashes out--!
SWIPES THE GUN, pretty as you like.
GAY PERRY
-- The schmuck will take it off you
and make you eat it.
(savage grin)
Down the hill. In those trees.
Now.
DARKNESS- SHADOWY
BRANCHESOVERHEAD
The GUARDfalls to his knees. Perry"s got his own pistol,
Harry the revolver, and no one's in a particularly good mood.
GAY PERRY
Tell me where Harmony is.
GUARD
Fuck you, Mary.
GAY PERRY
Uh-oh. Pal, you don't get it.
This. ain't good cop, bad cop. This
is Fag and New Yorker, you're in
deep trouble.
(sullen silence)
For Chrissake, what are you
protecting? It' s over. Finis·.
Dexter's going down.
He begins ticking off items on his fingers.
GAY PERRY
I know about Ronnie's lawsuit, I
know Dexter was facing ruin, and
killing her wouldn't fix it •
(MORE)
 ·101.

GAYPERRY (cont'd)
(beat)
I know he switched daughters,
which, God help us, actually DID
work, at least.until last week --
Harry chimes in:
HARRY
Yeah, what happened, that he had to
kill her?
Perry restrains himself:
GAYPERRY
Harry. You wanna put a· sock in it?
HARRY
I'm just asking --
GAYPERRY
You don't ask questions, now it
looks like I'm guessing, we don't
know shit!
HARRY
Right, right. Sorry .
GAYPERRY
And for the record, it was Ronnie's
old boyfriend. Guy flying in from
Paris, remember?
(back to his prisoner)
Am I right?

GUARD
Fuck_you.
GAYPERRY , 1
Exactly. Dexter decided to cut and
run. Killed Ronnie, threw a dress 1

on her. Fa~ed a kidnap, dumped the

body and walked away clean. Except
for one thing.
HARRY
Underpants.
GAYPERRY
One lousy pair of cotton undies.
Pretty funny, huh?
(chuckles)
I'm gonna break your nose now •
 102 •

He palms the gun, SLAMSit home.

GUARD,nose shattered. Perry cocks the gun:
GAY PERRY
Picture a bullet inside your head,
chief. Right .here. Right now.
GUARD
Fuck you •••
(spits blood)
And anyway, that's ambiguous.
GAYPERRY
Excuse me? How is that ambiguous?
HARRY
I think he means that when you say,
"picture it inside your head;"
okay, is that, a bullet will.BE
inside your head, or is it, picture
it in your head, like, form an
IMAGE, see what I'm saying?
GAYPERRY
Will you shut up?
GUARD
Look. I don't know about a girl.
Seriously.
~y
Yeah, yeah -- You know what, the
hell with this guy. Step aside.
Harry, galvanized, comes forward.
Dumps all five slugs from his revolver.
Replaces a SINGLE BULLET in the cylinder Spins it.
Steps past Perry. Kneels, says:
HARRY·
The girl. Harmony. WHEREIS SHE?
GAYPERRY
What the hell are you doing?
Harry winks at Perry. Levels the gun --
 103.

HARRY
You wanna play hardball? Huh?
,FINE. I can do that. Where. Is.
THE GIRL??
Pulls the trigger, CLICK--!
Except it doesn't go click.
Just like that. Bang-1 He's wearing the guy.
GUNSHOT,echoing on the breeze •.•
A frozen moment. PERRY, speechless.
The corpse topples sideways, clunk.
Barry, eyes wide. Shaking his head.
No. Can't be. It NEVERgoes off the first time •••
GAYPERRY
What did you just do??
HARRY
No, that ••• that wasn't supposed to ••• I
only put one, one bullet --
GAYPERRY
You put a LIVE ROUNDin that gun?
HARRY
I never meant to .•• There was, like, an
eight per cent chance, I just figured
GAYPERRY
Eight per cent.
HARRY
Well, maybe more ••.
GAYPERRY
Eight per ce--WHO THE HELL TAUGHTYOU
MATH?
Abruptly, Perry's cell phone BEEPS•• ! STARTLESthem. "I
Will Survive, touch-tone.
11
' He kills ·the ringer, hisses:
GAYPERRY
What?
INTERCUT- GAY PERRY & HARMONY
- ON THE PHONE
HARMONY
(O.S.}
Perry, hi. It's me •
 104 •

GAYPERRY
Where the hell are you?
HARMONY (0.S.)
At home.
GAY PERRY
At ••• At HOME
•• ?
HARMONY ( 0. S • )
Just got in. I was out buying a phone.
Are you okay? You don't sound ~ood
GAY PERRY
What ••• What about your lead
HARMONY (O.S.)
Oh, that. Ah, never mind,. I had this
crazy idea, straight out of Jonny
Gossamer --
GAY PERRY
It's not crazy. Don't talk, just listen:
call downtown, see if Ronnie Dexter's
body has gone to the mortuary~ Find out
.·if there ' s a cremation scheduled. Call
me back.
He clicks off. Turns. Sees HARRYsitting, ashen-faced
· and trembling. Hugging his knees. ·
GAY PERRY
Come on. He woulda killed you, he said
so • GET UP • We're through here.
He grabs Harry's arm, yanks him to his feet. Turns,
storms uphill to ,the parking lot.
HARRY
What about this guy?
GAYPERRY
I'll get the car. You shot him,
you drag him.
EXT. HILLSIDE - MINUTESLATER
Just below the lip of the hill, Harry drops the corpse.
Calls up to Perry:
 105.

HARRY
Okay. All set.
(brushes himself off)
So, listen, I got an idea. Let's take
this son of a bitch Dexter down.
He crests the hill -- Stops. Draws q sharp breath:
HARLAN DEXTERhimself is leaning against a car.
HARRY
-- um, down to. • • the
racetrack,
buy the son of a gun·a drink, what
do you say? Um, Perry •• ?
PERRY, TO HIS LEFT
Hands behind his head, while Dexter's bodyguard AURELIO
covers him with a short~barreled shotgun.
Harry shakes his head. Like a kid having a tantrum.
HARRY
No. Not fucking fair •• !
DEXTER
Aurelio. Give Mr. van Shrike a pat-
down.
Aurelio steps forward, clearly not thrilled. Starts to frisk
Perry. The detective pretends delirium. Moans. Grinds his
hips.· Aurelio YANKSfree. Spits.
AURELIO
Fucking maricon, shit.
Perry;s CEL PHONE chirps again. He looks a question at
Dexter
I. DEXTER
I
Toss it here. Let's see who it is.
Aurelio fishes out Perry's phone, tosses it -- Harry moves
without thinking. SNAGSit, hits the bQtton, says:
HARRY
We're in trouble, Dexter's got us--
oooff!
A punch to the sternum, paralyzing -- Aurelio recovers the
phone. Puts it to his ear, LISTENS ••• Smiles •
 106.

AURELIO
He just asked a carpet cleaning
service to save him.
DEXTER
Sorry, Harry. Good hands, though.
HARRY
... Used to ••• be a magician •••
INT. HARMONY'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME

Harmony, on her newly-bought cell phone

HARMONY
And, for an additional $39.99,
we'll carpet up to three rooms
in. • • in HALF the time.! .That' s a
$40 value -- Act today!
Listens ••. Nothing -- She's moving. BOLTS for the door.
INT. DEXTERCLINIC ---THERAPYROOM- NIGHT
AURELIO hums a holiday tune ••• Applies gel to ELECTRODES.
Plops them on Harry's testicles. DEXTERlooks on •
HARRY
(playing tough)
The chick in the casket •.• she ain't even
gonna match the . ringer you been toting.
around .•• Ever think of that, genius--?
GAYPERRY
(tiredly)
Of course he did, Harry. That's why he's
having. the-body.cremated.
Dexter nods, impressed. Just_ then his phone beeps •• ! He
puts it to his ear. Grunts. Hangs up.
DEXTER
Speak of the Devil. Gotta go.
He shrugs into his coat. .Waves to Harry and Perry:
DEXTER
Perry, nice to have known you. Um --
HARRY
Harry •
 107 •

DEXTER
Harry, of course -- Glad to have met you,
hope you won't judge Los Angeles based
solely on your experience tonight .•
He exits. Heels, clocking away down the hall. As he
departs, an ORDERLYENTERS carrying an ominous black BOX.
HARRY
(swallows hard)
Hey, Perry ••• I, uh ••• I'm kinda scared
here, ·man.
GAYPERRY
Aurelio, give the kid a break. Do unto
others, and all that. It's Christmas.
Perry squirms -- and instantly the gun trains on him.
The ORDERLYattaches two trailing WIRES to the black box.
For the record, Aurelio's got another gun; this· one a
plastic WATERpistol. Throughout, the sick-o spritzes
Harry every so often. Perry snarls at him:
GAY PERRY
You like this, don't you, you pseudo-
macho shithead? You know, you could zap
this guy in the chest -- sure be
simpler •••
(frowns)·
Hrnmrnm. Know what I think? I think you
like lookin' at his works, Is that it-~?
Aurelio PISTOL-WHIPS him. Perry grins savagely:
GAYPERRY
Dude, face it. You got it in you, man.
The ORDERLY.looks to Aurelio -- Aurelio nods -- He turns
up the rheostat. HARRYSCREAMS. Thrashes.
PERRY, seemingly impassive •. A TIC betrays him. He
begins to FLEX the fingers of his hand; over and over •••
EXT. LEHRMANBROS. MORTUARY
- ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
A TRANSPORTVAN backs toward the-mortuary doors. Arrayed
around the van, four DUDES, all natty in DARK SUITS. ·
Ostensibly mourners -- oh, please. Drug addicts.
MEANWHILE,ACROSS THE STREET - WITH HARMONY
 108.

She coasts to the curb. Lights off. Peers out --

As HARLANDEXTER, NOW, pulls into the mortuary lot. One
of the apes approaches
APE
Mr. Dexter, sir. The coffin's here.
He looks up. RAIN, starting to fall ••• Nods, says:
DEXTER
Let's burn the bitch.
INT. DEXTERCLINIC - "THERAPY
ROOM"- SAME
Aurelio speaks calmly to Harry, GUN never leaving Perry:
AURELIO
Who. Else. Knows •• ? Who did you tell?
HARRY
No one, I ••• I swear .•• I don't even LIVE
here .•• !
Another twist of the dial. HARRYarches backward. The
current abates. He sags, semi-conscious. Comes round,
gagging, coughing -- And that's it. Gay Perry's had it •
GAYPERRY
ENOUGH. Aurelio, look me in the eyes.
Look me in the eyes and say the words, "I
have never had a man." Corne on, do it.
AURELIO
Fuck you, maricon.
GAYPERRY
Is that a yes •• ? I didn't hear you.
AURELIO·
I will enjoy having you as· a patient.
GAYPERRY
You believe this, Harry? He can't say.·
it.
AURELIO
Enough. SHUT UP.
GAYPERRY
Why can't you just say it? Huh? If
you're not gay, tell me. JUST TELL ME.
 109.

AURELIO
I will do nothing you say to do.
GAYPERRY
'Cause you CAN'T. You've done it, you've
smoked pork, and you DAMNWELLKNOWIT.
. (grins)
Listen to me,· you piece of shit, I've
seen it from Day One, you WANTme --
PERRY JAMS HIS HANDdown the waistband of his slacks~
GAYPERRY
Here it is. You want some of this? Corne
over here. Yori want a shot of this??
AURELIO
Shut your Goddamn mouth-~!

He springs forward, GUNpoised for a savage blow --

Doesn't feel it at first; doesn't realize his kneecap's
exploded.
A TONGUEOF FLAMEleaps, unbelievably, from between
Perry's LEGS.
Aurelio blinks, dumbfounded. Catches on quick --
. As THE DERRINGERfires again.
Takes him in the head. Drops him -- Perry's moving
before the body hits. Jerks his legs upward. SPINS
Swivels on his ass, one smooth motion, FIRES-!
Wounds the orderly. Downs him. Then he's up, crossing
toward HARRY-- who's staring in comic disbelief. Perry
reveals his little 3-shot gun, it emerges from his pants.
GAY.PERRY
Homophobes never search there.
HARRY
Thank God you ••• had a gun in there •••
For a second, I .thought it was ••• a gay
thing, somehow ••• you guys just DID that.
GAY PERRY
Can you stand? Walk?
HARRY
Neither~
 110.

GAYPERRY
Wrong answer. Up and at 'em,
chief, I'll help. Come on, you're
Jonny fucking Gossamer, you're
electric, baby.
Harry groans . Reaches down. • • Pulls up his pants.
HARRY
I take ••• beatings ••• and spit them
out ••• for breakfast •••
GAYPERRY
·Anything you say, chief. Corne on.
He heads for the door, Harry's arm slung round him.
- PARKINGLOT - RAIN, A DOWNPOUR
EXT. MORTUARY
Dexter's SUITS, huddled just inside the building.
Suits Harmony just fine. She approaches the VAN DOOR,
undetected. Lifts the handle --
INT. VAN - CARGOAREA
In here, the DRUMMING is cacaphanous. Harmony spots the
COFFIN in back. Wriggles next to it, ·raises the lid.
• Clicks a penlight, directs it down a reverent whisper:
HARMONY
Oh, God ••• No way, we're right.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
She FLINGS herself over the seats. Brake, ·off. Snaps
her belt. Checks the mirror. Keys the IGNITION
Chaos. Men, POURINGout of the doorway. Shouting -- She
gets rubber and PEELS OUT. CUT TO:
EXT. DEXTERCLINIC - SIDE EXIT - NIGHT
HARRY& PERRY burst through the door, into the DELUGE.
Struggling forward, Harry's in bad shape •••
EXT. HIGHWAY- DRIVING - NIGHT
HARMONY comes flying out of an alley. Slides through a
hard left, throws a R00STERTAIL of water --
 111.

INT. SUV - WITH HARMONY

The PHONERINGS, startles her. Built into the van, a
hands free intercom. Rings again. She fumbles for it:
DEXTER (O.S.)
Hello, Harmony! Happy Holidays.
HARMONY
I got your daughter.
DEXTER ( 0 • S • )
Let me guess: you want your friends.
HARMONY
Without a scratch on them.
DEXTER (O.S.)
Or else?
HARMONY
Or else I take your daughter out on the
town. Show her off.
DEXTER (O.S.)
I see. Well, you two girls have fun •
I'll get back to you shortly.
Click--! He's gone. Suddenly, another ring: HER phone.
HARMONY
(hits the button)
Yeah.
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
It's me.
HARMONY
Oh, my God, how'd you get away?
GAYPERRY (O.S.)
I fired a small-calibre gun I keep next
to my balls. Listen, they hid my car.
We're on Olive, by the freeway, any way
you could --
HARMONY
I'm thirty seconds away. Be where I can
see you, be ready to move.
She glances in her mirror, draws a sharp breath -- A
BLACKSEDAN, closing fast •.
 112 •

HARMONY
Shit. They're on my tail, gotta.go.
She hangs up. Stashes the phone.· RAIN, coming in sheets
now. Obscuring the road.
Up ahead -- FREEWAY. She checks the mirror. They're
closing fast. She tromps the pedal, BLAZES forward •••
The SEDANRAMSHER from behind.
She swears. Fishtails madly •. The van crosses the center
line. SKIDDING. She snaps around, facing forward
A PICKUP TRUCK. Bearing down. She screams--! Cuts the
wheel. VEERS, last second --
EXT. ROAD- NEARBY
On foot, HARRY& PERRY watch, helpless, as
THE VANGOES OVER SIDEWAYS.
Smashes down. Slides, 40 miles an hour, out of control --
IMPACT.
Strikes the freeway OVERPASS. Ricochets· off, whipsaws •. !
COFFIN, EJECTED--!
The ornate crate SAILS ••• end over end, glistening •••
Comes down, wham--! Atop the big GREENFREEWAYSIGN.
Lodges in the struts. Stuck.
The COFFIN BURSTS OPEN, not all the way --
Enough to admit one trailing HAND.
One dead girl's hand dangling limp over the freeway.
Spotlighted. Festooned with Christmas lights.
Got it? Good. Now let's.wind the.clock back 5 seconds;
because another, concurrent result of the crash is --
HARMONY,FLUNGLOOSE--!
Expelled along with the coffin •
 113.

MUD-SLOPE- BESIDE FREEWAY

Parting gift: the door CRUNCHESher leg --
Then she's tumbling free. Downslope, head over heels,
bouncing, skipping--! Toward the rushing TRAFFIC.
Events now accelerate; the next 5 pages, all in a rush
Harmony slams to a stop. Breath driven from her lungs •••
Above her, THE CASKET looms, backlit. Strangely
beautiful. She gapes, wide-eyed •.•
Pow--:! MUD, spattered. She spins, startled --
SOMEONEJUST SHOT AT HER.
There. · Up· at the fence -- the SEDAN. A shadowy
FIGURE. • • raising his arm ••.
She acts on instinct; Rolls BENEATHTHE OVERPASS--
Almost gets away clean. POW--! A bullet tags her.
Oh, shit. CREASES HER, skull-deep~
She flops in the surrounding dark. A rag doll, as, ABOVE--
HARRYAND PERRY
·. Come charging and/or stumbling. Huffing, wheezing.
They near the OVERPASS. TRAFFIC below, whooosssshing by-~!
Harry -- bobbing, weaving. We realize he's been tortured,
he's a mess. He slumps. Nearly falls to his knees.
HARRY
HARMONY--!
Harry's shout, full of pent-up rage, frustration--:
ANOTHERANGLE - 20 YARDSUPRANGE
Actually? He might want to tone it down a bit, because
HIS VOICE CARRIES
The GUNMAN,halfway in the car. Stops, looks --
And that, brother, is when it goes all to hell •
 114.

The guy reacts: spins, smoothly, GUN coming up •••

GAY PERRY
Jesus, get down! !
Events proceed in the following order:
GAY PERRY
Flings himself in front of Harry. One continuous move, gun
materializing, blooming --
Perfect. Perry takes out the gunman. Blows him down.
Unfortunately, in the last second of his life, the unhelpful
badguy fires back •••
Also dead on target. · Perry's chest registers impact.
Bang-bang, everybody gets hit. Fuck. In three seconds,
the entire world changes.
First the GUNMAN
goes down, drilled through the neck.
Then PERRY grunts, staggers. PIERCED.
Still not done. The slug burns through him, EXITS .••
Keeps on GOING
HITS HARRY.
Upper thigh. A soft smack of sound. He's puzzled at first.
Suddenly SEATED. Punched by an invisible fist-~
SEEN FROMAFAR
Two tiny figures collapse in the rain.
A third plops flat on his ass.
Three. stark seconds. Awkward, brutal.
Perry's not getting up.
MEANWHILE,THE SEDAN TAKES OFF
Sweeps out onto the boulevard, slewing rain as
HARRY
Crawls toward Perry, who lies slack and unmoving.
He stares, incredulous. No. Wrong •
 115 .

HARRY
Perry, GET UP ! !
As if in response, the GUN slips from Perry's hand ••.
PUSH IN ON HARRY-- Staring, dumbstruck.
HARRY
You shit, don't do this to me •• !
UNDERNEATH
- TUNNEL- WITH HARMONY
In her little world. She lies, semi-conscious .••
OVERPASS- BACKWITH HARRY
Something tells him to cast a look DOWNRANGE,
he does --
. HIS POV: 1/4 MILE AWAY
Oh, shit. THE SEDANisn't through yet. It's slowing,
swinging onto an on-ramp -- Heading BACKthis direction.
Back to finish off Harmony.
Harry freaks. Stumbles to his feet, .38 Half out of his
pocket. He staggers forward. Flustered. Panicked.
SLIPS .• ! ~egs, whisked out from under. Down he goes.
Hits HARD. Cries out in pain. His thigh, SEARING.
Tries to sit up. Groans. Flops in a puddle --
BELOW, IN THE TUNNEL- WITH HARMONY
She lies, a seeming corpse ... Only her lips, trembling:
HARMONY
Harold •••
( spasm of pain)
Awesome. • . Might •••
She rolls over. As her weight shifts, we see but she
does not: She rolls over her CELL PHONE. Groans •.• ·
Oblivious to having just placed a call, and meanwhile
OVERPASS - BACK WITH HARRY

A stir of movement. His eyelids flutter, then open --

MUSIC: "I Will Survive."
 116.

Sees Perry's PHONE, lying dented. Numbly regards the

flashing ID window -- Who the hell •• ?
HARMONY,it says. Beyond sense or reason, he depresses
the button:
HARRY
Harmony .• ?

He frowns. STATIC at first .•• Then, scarcely audible •••

HARMONY{O.S.)
Harold ••• use ••• awesome might •••
The words richochets in his awareness.
HARMONY
Save me from this. • • hopeless plight ••.•
Resonating. He closes his eyes. Oh, Christ ••.
In the downpour, he plants his elbows. Levers himself
up. Grits his teeth. Gets a knee under him. PUSHES.
Trembling, he stands. Draws himself to his full height.
Soaked, bleeding. Hands shaking .
Staggers to the overpass WALL. Head down. Bleary.
LIGHTNINGflares--! Fills the sky. Etches HAROLDin
sharp relief. He looks out upon the zipping VORTEX.
Reaches in his jacket for his .38.
Oh, shit. He's gonna try it from up HERE.
THUNDERrolls. He swipes rain from his eyes. Braces the
• 3 8 on the overpass. Draws down on the incoming car .••
Takes.dead aim ••• So focused, he almost doesn't hear it.
At first, a purr ••. theri a burgeoning roar ••. Turn
around •• ! He whirls --
8 speeding car. ANOTHERONE, he's stunned
HARLANDEXTER. Right on TOP of him. It' s finished, he
hasn't a fucking chance.
Harry doesn't think. Simply flings himself UP AND
SIDEWAYS,as the car SLAMSTHE WALLwhere his legs were •
 117.

Mr. Agility, our boy -- Only one problem: he can't STOP

himself. Momentum, too great, simply keeps on rolling
. RIGHT OFF THE EDGE into space, into open AIR, tumbling
WIND, rushing •• ~ CARS, blurring past... ·
Slams headfirst into the big green FREEWAYSIGN •
. Collides with it, arms flailing. Clutching desperately
DAMMIT. No traction, too WET--! Last chance
CATCHESHOLD. Got it. Unbelievably, lurches to a stop.
He dangles, kicking •••
Hanging onto RONNIE DEXTER'S DEADHAND.
And maybe, for a lunatic second, we think she reached
from beyond the grave, that she's the one clutching him
A lover's grip, as she SUSPENDShim above the freeway.
HARRYblinks away rain. Gasping. His .38 REVOLVER
stayed up above. On the EDGE, barrel protruding •••
He casts about,; despairing. Something, anything • •.
The overpass starts to VIBRATE. Remember page 5, the
thing that began this mess .. ? It's okay, I don't either.
In any event, at ~hat ~oment, a CI~Y BUS RUMBLESPAST•.•
ON THE REVOLVER:it jitters ••• vibrates •.• FALLS.
HARRYmoves fast. The GUNwhistles by -- out of the dark
comes a magic-quick HAND. Rain-slick, minus a finger --
Plucks the weapon from thin air. Impossible.
Reels it in. SPINS it. Acquires the TRIGGER. A
:magician's calm, a ROBOT'S precision. Teeth gritted,
raises . his arm
. --
The ne~t 15 seconds, very strange indeed.
UP ABOVEHIM
DEXTERappears, drawing a weapon. HARRYjerks his head
upward. RAIN, sheeting down •••
Sees the man. FIRES UPWARD
•• ! Kills him.
Dexter topples over the side. Plummets, STRIKES the
coffin, BOUNCES--! The coffin shifts, precarious •..
 118 •

ABRUPTLYDROPS. Plunges 5 feet. Stops, ka-chuk--!

. Harry's dangling LEGS, now easy prey, A PANEL TRUCK
clips his FOOT, jars him. Still he hangs on -:--
Clutching the dead girl's hand, grimacing in pain ••• HE
DRAWSDOWNOn the speeding sedan. HARMONY,stirring •.•
HARRY
HARMONY!l

He TRIGGERSA SHOT. BANG. Echoing in the night. BANG.

Another. Nothing. car window down, GUNemerging
And so, drenched in rain, battered and broken, Harry
quits playing and simply slays the motherfucker. Bang.
Driver, killed. Car VEERS. Smacks an abutment,
RICOCHETSand meanwhile
HARRYCAN'T HOLDON, he loses his grip, plummets •••
BUCKLESTHE ROOF
Of the sliding SEDAN. Strikes it dead center •
Rolls his head. An inch from his nose: the back window.
Frosted with blood inside. Like a malted glass.
Feels the car come to a HALT; watches, oddly detached, as
THE PASSENGER

Gets out, a foot away. Sees HARRY. Goes for his pistol
and Harry just flaps the .38 at him
HARRY
No.
The gun KICKS in his hand. There, he killed that guy.
Lost count. A BULLET SPIKES UPWARD through the roof.
Oops •• ! Forgot one. Harry, annoyed ••• Jams his muzzle
to the rootop, fires downward. Bang, for Chrissakes.
Pest, gone.
What we' re watching isn't gory; it's flat-out ME·THODICAL.
Harry, alone now ••• sprawled out atop the car. Drenched.
Staring at all the pretty colored LIGHTS••.
 119 •

HARRY
There. All done. Finished.
EXT. UNDERTHE OVERPASS- WITH HARMONY,
WATCHING:
Draws a sharp breath as LIGHTNINGflashes and JONNY
GOSSAMER appears -- the book cover, the exact same image.
She blinks -- and then, of course, it's HARRY, it always
was. He flops beside her. Manages a lop-sided smile:·
HARRY
You okay?
She nods. Spots a mid-chest RUPTUREin Harry's jacket.
HARMONY
Jesus, Harry, you're hit!
.HARRY
(coughs, grins)
You wanna ••• see something cool •• ?
Painfully, he reaches into his pocket •.. The EXACT SPOT
the bullet hit -- withdraws a paperback: JONNY GOSSAMER•
HARMONY
(claps her . hands}
Way cool! It stopped a bullet!
HARRY
Um••• well, not really •••
Truth is, bullet went straight through, left a hole like
a doughnut. ·He pokes his FINGER through it -- Grins •.•
BLOODwells up from his wound. The world gets fuzzy •.•
Darkness claims him. BLACKSCREEN.
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- TWILIGHT
CLOSE ON HARRY: His eyes OPEN Rack focus to NEON
outside the window, flickering. He blinks, sees Harmony:
HARMONY
Hi. Welcome back~
(holds up one hand)
How many fingers?
HARRY
Huh .• ? Put that cat down, I'm allergic •
 120 •

HARMONY
You feeling okay? How are your--?
Indicates his groin area. Harry groans:
HARRY
I can't believe he told you about that.
There's a TAP-TAP at the door, they look up -- GAY PERRY.
Wheelchair bound. He rolls himself over the threshold.
HARRY
Hey-hey! Where's my present, slick?
GAY PERRY
You're not in fucking jail, that's your
Goddamn present. Hello, Harmony.
Suddenly the NARRATIONCUTS IN, it's Harry, saying:
HARRY (V .o. ).
Yeah, boo-hiss, I know -- Look, I hate it
too. In movies where the studio gets all
paranoid about a downer ending, so the
guy shows up, he's, like, magically
ALIVE, on crutches, I hate that. I mean,
shit, why not bring 'em ALL back •• ?
As he's speaking, the dead PINK-HAIRED GIRL enters .••
Followed by FIRE and FRYING PAN, then a LABRADORwith an
Old Yeller sign around its neck, then ABRAHAM LINCOLN
HARRY (V.O.)
But the point is, see, this time it
really happened, Perry like, lived. And
yeah, ·it·' s a dumb movie thing -- but what
do you want me to do, lie about it?i
A NURSE hurriedly shoos everyone out except Perry. Our
trio; alone. HARMONY turns to Perry. Eager, · expectant:
HARMONY
You found something out?
GAYPERRY
Yeah. 'I got the scoop. All of it.
You're, uh, not gonna li~e it.
Now he's got their full attention. Clears his throat:
GAY PERRY
Dexter didn't murder your sister.
 121.

Harmony stares, mouth working ••• shakes her head:

.HARMONY
No ••• that's crazy, you know it. He was
using her to impersonate his daughter
GAY PERRY
Never happened. Talked to my police guy.
The ringer's name was Mia Frye, age 23.
Lived in Glendale. When she wasn't
playing Ronnie Dexter, she wore make-up
and a pink wig.
HARMONY
.(uncomprehending}
But ••• my sister, she ••• she sent you up
to Big Bear, to his cabin •.•
GAYPERRY
Your sister had become convinced Dexter
was her natural father. . She hung around,
watched him, even met the Frye girl, the ..
impersonator.
(beat)
You see where I'm going with this?
FLASH TO: A MOONLITVERANDA
The image of Harmony's sister JENNA, her back to us,
creeping forward to peer.through a WINDOW..•
At figures, ENTWINED. Naked. One of them, we see, is
PINK-HAIRED girl. For now, the WIG resides on a table.
GAY PERRY (V .O.)
One night, your sister came calling
and ••• saw them.
t
Together.
•
Saw Dexter
. . . l
in bed .with his own daughter, remember,
that's how it would appear. 1

JENNA stumbles backward.from the window, turns, BOLTS•••

HERE ANDNOW: Perry takes Harmony's hand:
GAY PERRY
Both fathers. First the old one, now the
shiny new one -- it was too much. Seeing
it ••. triggered repressed memories, tore
the lid off Pandora's box •••
(beat)
She took her own life.
 123 •

SNOW, SWIRLING, AN INFINITY OF IT

Fields stretch far and away. Flat, unbroken. We see a
small clutch of MOURNERSaround a grave. SUPER·:
FAREWELL, MY LOVELY - EPILOGUE

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- TOWNMEDCENTER- SAME

A bed contains a withered OLD MAN. HARRYsteps in.
Looks down at him, says quietly:
HARRY
She never had a chance, did she, Pops •• ?

Pause ••• the old man's eyes narrow.

HARRY
Funny. I thought I might feel sorry for
you when I saw all these tubes and shit.
HARMONY'SDAD
(glowering)
Do I know you .. ?

HARRY
Nah, I doubt it. I 'm no one •
s .DAD .
HARMONY I

What do you want?

HARRY
Nothing much. It's just, the zoo was
closed and I wanted to see an animal.
HARMONY'S DAD
Son of· a •. ! Who do you think you 're
talking to? I buried my daughter today.
HARRY
Actually, you lay here with your thumb up
your ass, sweetheart. Struggling to stay
alive, pass one more meal through your
guts.
He leans in close. Face etched in anger:
HARRY
You took away their future.
(beat)
And for that I oughtta kill you .
 124.

HARMONY'SDAD
Who are you?? I ••. I loved my girls --
Harry slaps him. HARD. The old man gasps. Sputters:
HARMONY'SDAD
Fucker •.• If I could get outta this bed--
HARRY
You can't.
BACKHANDS him. Head, snapped sideways--! Pillow
spritzed with blood. Harry turns on his heel~ Walks.
HARMONY'SDAD
••. Bastard •• ! Old man, can't defend
himself~ •. Big tough guy.~.
At the door, Harry turns, SMILES. Nods.
HARRY
Yeah. Big tough guy.
Exits.
INT./EXT. HOSPITAL LOBBY- TWILIGHT - WITH HARRY
crossing the lobby, he glimpses a TV in one corner.
HIS POV: A BIG BROWNBEAR tosses a beer and says:
BEAR
Me, I prefer Genaro's •.• but hey, what do
I know, I suck the heads off fish!
A GIRL catches it. NOT HARMONY •. · Someone years younger.
Harry smiles ruefuliy. Exits into the chill twilight.
Outside, she waits -- HARMONY. Harry stops beside her.
HARRY
Helluva sunset.
HARMONY
L.A. 's are nicer. It's the pollution.
Smog causes atmospheric diffusion of
light.
( pause • • • then: )
Was he awake?
HARRY
Yeah. He was awake.
 125.

HARMONY
Did he say anything interesting?
HARRY
No. Nothing.
HARMONY
(nods, chews her lip)
I only wish she could give me a ••• a
SIGN, just ••• some way to let me know.
(off Harry's look)
••• that she forgives me.
At that moment there is a sputter, a FLICKER•• !
All the streetlights come on.
Harmony blinks. Stares. Harry laughs.
He draws a deep breath of crisp winter air. Feels
alive • . • And young • As the day he was ·born.
END OF MOVIE
 END TITLES DIALOGUE -- OPTIONAL
Over the end crawl, as they stroll into the twilight, past the
HIGH SCHOOL, where a _PEPRALLY"s in progress, we HEAR:
HARRY (V .O.)
You know, New York has pollution. Tons.
HARMONY (V.O.)
It also has New Yorkers. Besides, my
agent's in L.A.
HARRY (V .0.)
You have an agent?
HARMONY (V .O.)
I will.
(beat}
I'm gonna be a famous actress. · And YOU.
You're gonna be a famous detective .
HARRY (V .O.)
Why can't I be an actor?
HARMONY (V.O.) .
Oh, ·ick-- ! You• re deformed, remember?
Nine fingers. You"re gonna have it tough
enough attracting women. Just ask that
chick over there.
HARRY (V. 0. )
Who? Pin-headed Martha Stewart?
HARMONY (V. 0 . )
Uh-uh. On your nine. Bottle-nosed Julia
Roberts.
HARRY (V. 0.)
Man, that's reaching ...
Harry puts an arm round her as, for the duration of titles

WE FADE TO BLACK