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    The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum
    The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum
    The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum
    Ebook37 pages26 minutes

    The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum

    By Scott Crowder

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    About this ebook

    You've heard the saying 'Jesus is coming and, boy, is he pissed'. Well, you don't know the half of it.
    He'll start Armageddon in the tiny town of Garrett's Gap, North Carolina then take it into the world unless Sheriff's Deputy Chuck Halsey and the stranger who came to help can stop him.
    Jesus isn't easily dealt with, though, and he's got something going for him that Chuck and his compatriot never saw coming, something best described with four words: spinning Ginsu dick sword.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherScott Crowder
    Release dateOct 15, 2013
    ISBN9781301291823
    The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum
    Author

    Scott Crowder

    I live just outside Raleigh, North Carolina. I've only been professionally published once, in last fall's edition of Flashquake online magazine, but I hope it's the start of something long term. I'm happily married, and I'm the father to two beautiful little girls, ages five and two, who will never be allowed to date boys, drive cars that are transporting boys, nor ride in cars to places where boys are present, or wear non-Amish-spinster-approved clothing in front of boys. I love horror movies, rhythmic noise, peanut butter, and the Munsters, not necessarily in that order. Please feel free to contact me if you want; I'd love to hear what you thought of the book. My e-mail address is zombieapocalypse at earthlink.net. Thanks for reading.

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      Book preview

      The Lamb of God© and Satan's Hairy Scrotum - Scott Crowder

      The Lamb of God© and Satan’s Hairy Scrotum

      By Scott Crowder

      Published by r[E]volution Press at Smashwords

      Contents copyright © 2013 Scott Crowder / r[E]volution Press

      All rights reserved. Any reproduction, sale, or commercial use of this book without express written permission of the author is strictly forbidden.

      This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are inventions of the author. Any resemblance to actual events or people, alive or dead, is entirely coincidental.

      Cover image was found on the internet and I make no claim of ownership to it. If it’s yours and you’d like it removed, please contact me at zombieapocalypse [at] earthlink [dot] net.

      Smashwords Edition License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.

      The Lamb of God© and Satan’s Hairy Scrotum

      ***

      1.

      Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

      Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He lays three large nails on the bar and asks the bartender How much to put me up for the night?

      Ba-dum tssh!

      No, but seriously. Jesus did walk into a bar one night and he did lay something down, but oh my good and faithful Christian flock, it weren’t no nails. It was a beat-down, pure and simple; a beat-down of such godly and epic proportion that it resulted in gutted corpses, rivers of blood, opened bowels, and the very flames of perdition itself.

      Now, before you begin thinking to yourself ‘It’s about time the Lion of Judah, the Lamb of God himself came and beat some sense into today’s sinners’, understand who he thought those sinners were.

      He thought they were you, he thought they were your mama and daddy, your kids and in-laws, your friends and neighbors. Remember what he said in Matthew: Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

      Remember that, if you ever find him coming for you.

      You buncha beam-eyed motherfuckers.

      * * *

      Jesus Christ stood just inside the bar and looked around as the door swung shut behind him. A typical bar, the

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