“You can't do enough tomorrow to make up for not doing anything today. That's why it's best to have started yesterday.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Here’s an eternally true statement: No matter how much good you’ve done, you could always have done more. The earlier you recognize that, the easier it is for you to accept blame.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Women judge you by how much money you make and how prestigious your job title. That's why when women ask me what I do for a living, I tell them I'm a platinum salesman, and I source catalytic converters for discrete buyers.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“There will be no purple-haired feminists during the coming food famine. Soon, all women will find cattle ranchers to be the world's sexiest men.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“As far as coffee table books go, this one's slow roasted like Seattle's finest. It even comes with FREE refills that you drink through your eyes.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Tattoos are a uniform you wear all the time. They let the world know you are different, just like everyone else who has more ink than a Tolstoy novel.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I'm writing my autobiography, but it's taking me a long time. I've been at it my whole life.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. Then I went to the ATM and took out some cash just to be certain.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Why bother reading? Why not just download all the known knowledge directly into your brain? Let Elon Musk implant a chip through your skull and get a year's subscription to heated seats in your Tesla for FREE.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Writers don't write because that's what they do. Writers write because that's who they are.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Of all the books I own, this is the only one I've read twice. It's also the only one I've read once. All my other books are used as decoration, like props to impress visitors.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I used to work in a tall office building, and I carried a briefcase. It was empty of business, but when people tried to stop me to talk, I'd hold it up and say, "Gotta run. Look how busy I am.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I drive by a business that has a permanent sign that says, "Always hiring." Why in the world would they advertise the fact that they have continual turnover? They might as well say, "You'll hate working here.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Some songs should be silent. They would be more danceable if they were ear camouflaged.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I once wrote a 100,000-word book. But don't worry, I managed to edit it down to just over one million words.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Some questions are shaped like slow elevators, and they deserve words that fill spaces like notes from a brass saxophone. Sometimes the silence of body language is music for my eyes.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Ducks know more about ducks than any college professor knows about ducks. Let that be a lesson in student-loan debt.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“If her green suit had more curves and contours, everyone in town would try to get a hole in one. She looks like she'd let everyone in a hole.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Do you sometimes get drunk and take a bath in a pile of cash? If so, you may be suffering from hyperinflation.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Did you know people were alive before you were born? I know, it's a crazy idea, and there is even a name for it: History. You should study it.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Women always ask me what I do for a living. The answer should be obvious: As little as possible.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Things you share with a man, if you’re a man: The weight of a heavy object you have to move. Not dinner and a movie.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“All the boys in the middle school locker room used to tease me and tell me I danced like Tina Turner. But that didn't stop them from throwing baloney sandwiches at me and whistling.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“You may use a shopping cart to get your groceries, but I just use regular clothes. That way all my items are FREE.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“When giving directions, it's important to be precise. Invoke words such as yonder.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I built a giant gumball machine, and I filled it with duck eggs. The only currency it accepts as payment is karaoke singing.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“The world is getting more violent, and we need to be prepared. I once trained for a fight by pushing buttons in an elevator. Of course, it was a Saxophone-FREE environment, which favors my physical combat approach.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“Geese are the terrorists of the bird world. They look similar to ducks, which is natural, because the bad guys always try to look like the heroes.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“I believe medieval cathedrals are not just overly ornate buildings with intricate designs to please the eyes. I believe they are giant dormant sound machines, and if you were to find the On Button on one, it would probably start playing Celine Dion's greatest hits.”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge

“After my shower, I stepped on my bathroom scale and no numbers appeared on the screen. Either I weigh nothing at all, or the scale needs a new battery. I wonder how I got down to zero, and could I teach this anti-obesity at $19.95 per book?”
― Jarod Kintz, I design saxophone music in blocks, like Stonehenge