Conflict Resolution Skills

Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into Opportunities

Conflict is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people cant be expected to agree on everything, all the time. Learning how to deal with conflictrather than avoiding itis crucial. When conflict is mismanaged, it can cause great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen the bond between two people. By learning these skills for conflict resolution, you can keep your personal and professional relationships strong and growing.
IN THIS ARTICLE:

Understanding conflict in relationships Conflict may feel more threatening Successful conflict resolution Quick stress relief Emotional awareness Nonverbal communication Humor Tips for managing and resolving conflict

Understanding conflict in relationships

Conflict arises from differences, both large and small. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences appear trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem. These needs can be a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy.

Conflicts arise from differing needs

Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely. Differing needs for feeling comfortable and safe create some of the most severe challenges in our personal and professional relationships. Think about the conflicting need for safety and continuity versus the need to explore and take risks. You frequently see this conflict between toddlers and their parents. The childs need is to e xplore, so

the street or the cliff meets a need. But the parents need is to protect the childs safety, so limiting exploration becomes a bone of contention between them. The needs of both parties play important roles in the long-term success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes, sometimes resulting in broken deals, fewer profits and lost jobs. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Conflict 101

A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).

Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.

We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.

Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you arent comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you wont be able to resolve conflict successfully.

Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When youre able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.

Conflict may feel more threatening to you than it really is

Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from frightening or painful memories from previous unhealthy relationships or early childhood, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict in relationships as demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous, and something to fear. If your early life experiences also left you feeling out of control and powerless, conflict may even be traumatizing for you. If you view conflict as dangerous, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling extremely threatened, its tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger.

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict

Unhealthy responses to conflict: Healthy responses to conflict

An inability to recognize and respond to the

The capacity to recognize and respond to the things

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict

things that matter to the other person Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment An inability to compromise or see the other persons side The fear and avoidance of conflict; the expectation of bad outcomes A belief that facing conflict head on is the best thing for both sides that matter to the other person Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move past the conflict without holding resentments or anger The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing

Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to regulate stress and your emotions
Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds. If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you wont be able to understand your own needs. And, if you dont understand your own needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what's really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences the way she hangs the towels, the way he slurps his souprather than what is really bothering them.

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.

Control your emotions and behavior. When youre in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.

Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others. Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can almost always resolve a problem faster.

To successfully resolve a conflict, you will need to learn and practice two core skills: the ability to quickly reduce stress in the moment and the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways even in the midst of an argument or a perceived attack.

Quick stress relief: The first core conflict resolution skill

Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you dont know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways. Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when theyre overwhelmed by stress:

Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. Youre heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.

Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.

Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You freeze under pressure and cant do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface youre extremely agitated.

Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:
Accurately read another person's nonverbal communication Hear what someone is really saying Be aware of your own feelings Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs Communicate your needs clearly

Is stress a problem or you?

You may be so used to being stressed that you're not even aware you are stressed. Stress may be a problem in your life if you identify with the following:

You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body You're not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe Conflict absorbs your time and attention

Learn how to beat stress in the moment

The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress (if you don't have someone close at hand to talk to) is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Emotional awareness: The second core conflict resolution skill

Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you dont know how you feel or why you feel that way, you wont be able to communicate effectively or resolve disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may sound simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. Your ability to handle conflict, however, depends on being connected to these feelings. If youre afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict

Emotional awarenessthe consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experienceand the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict. Emotional awareness helps you:

Understand what is really troubling other people Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved Communicate clearly and effectively Attract and influence others

Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions

The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?

Do you experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?

Are your emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?

Do you experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?

Can you experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?

Do you pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decisionmaking?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or even turned off. In either case, you may need help developing your emotional awareness. You can do this by readingDeveloping Emotional Awareness.

Nonverbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution

The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.

The most important communication is wordless

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is feltas well as what is saidwe connect more deeply to our own

needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us. When youre in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other persons nonverbal signalsmay help you figure out what the other person is really saying, This will allow you to respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. A calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange. Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.

Humor, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict

Once stress and emotion are brought into balance your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is unleashed. Joy is a deceptively powerful resource. Studies show that you can surmount adversity, as long as you continue to have moments of joy. Humor plays a similar role when facing conflict. You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without offending someone. However, its important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. Whenhumor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

Tips for managing and resolving conflict

Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following guidelines:

Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us when it's our turn to speak.

Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being right." Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than winning the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.

Focus on the present. If youre holding on to grudges based on past resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.

Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so its important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if youve been circling for 15 minutes, but if there are dozens of empty spots, arguing over a single space isnt worth it.

Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if youre unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.

Know when to let something go. If you cant come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

How to Fight: 10 Rules of Relationship Conflict Resolution

Great relationships develop not from the absence of conflict, but from determining an agreeable pattern for how to resolve conflict. Defining the rules of engagement for how you "fight" with someone you care about is ultimately much more important than trying to never have a disagreement. If you care about someone, then consider adopting these 10 rules as part of the way you communicate with them when you are trying to resolve a conflict: Rule #1: Don't yell. Adding emotion clouds the clarity of what actually happened. If the other person is yelling, it becomes especially important that you don't raise your voice so as to prevent a natural escalation of competing interests. Rule #2: Always start and end the conversation by affirming that you care about the other person. In the midst of a disagreement, you can never underestimate the power and importance of reminding the other person that you care about them and believe in them. Rule #3: Be open to the idea that you made a mistake even if you are sure you did not. People rarely get upset for no reason, so there is a good chance that there is at least a kernel of truth to what they are saying. Rule #4: Don't speak in generalities of another person's behavior; speak only to direct examples and instances of action. It's hard for anyone to own up to a generalization and so you'll likely just see his or her defensiveness activate. By isolating an instance of fact, everyone can quickly see where he or she was right and wrong. Rule #5: Always work to be the first to apologize when any dispute arises. Although the idea of waiting for the other person to apologize first seems vindicating, it's

actually a guaranteed sign of how you care more about being right than in coming to a reconciliation. Rule #6: Focus on trying to discover what's right, not who is right. When thinking about what happened, try to remove yourself from the situation and evaluate right and wrong based solely on the actions that took place regardless of which side you're on. Treat it as if you are refereeing someone else's game. Rule #7: Do not cuss. Exaggerated language is often proof of an exaggerated understanding of what actually happened. If you swear, the other party is likely to only hear the expletives and will stop listening for any validity in what you're saying. Rule 8: No name-calling. Belittling a person always shifts the focus off of resolving the actual problem. Verbal abuse is never welcome to a conflict resolution party. Rule #9: Remind yourself the other person also cares about reconciling the relationship. One of the fundamental causes of many disagreements is feeling hurt that the other person is no longer considering your perspective, but if they didn't care about a resolution with you they wouldn't be fighting for one. Rule #10: Remind yourself to never expect the other person to fill a hole in your life that only God can fill. Sometimes we fall into the trap of placing improper expectations on other people because we are hoping for them to satisfy a need in our life that they are not really capable of satisfying. If we are fighting with someone, it means we both care about finding the best course of action and we both care about preserving the relationship. If we didn't care about one another, then we would just ignore each other and leave. The reason these 10 rules are important is because as long as they are in place, then no disagreement or conflict will ever shake the critical bedrock of knowing that the other person cares about you. As long as we know the other person cares about us, it will give us a common ground to work from as we try to unite two seemingly conflicted views. For more by Rory Vaden, click here.

Managing Conflict Successfully

Herbert G. Lingren, Extension Family Life Specialist University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cooperative Extension How do you typically respond when you seriously disagree with someone? Do you... * get mad inside but keep quiet and give the other the "silent" treatment? * withdraw to a safe distance because you don't like to argue? * get angry, criticize, call names, use sarcasm or some other aggressive behavior? * give in; say "I guess you are right" with a big sigh, be submissive in order to avoid conflict. * deny or pretend that "everything is okay"--no conflict exists. These are common, but usually unsuccessful, methods of coping with conflict between family members or friends, and in work settings. Just because interpersonal conflict is common doesn't mean it has to be negative and destructive. We must understand when conflict occurs and avoid falling prey to some of its common myths and misconceptions.

Myths or Misconceptions About Conflict

Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal. FALSE. Conflict is natural, normal and inevitable whenever people interact together. Conflict is the result of personality differences. FALSE. Personalities do not conflict--it is people's behavior that conflicts. Too often we use "personality conflict" as an excuse to do nothing about the conflict. Conflict and disagreement are the same. FALSE. Disagreement is a difference of opinion while conflict is more threatening. Disagreement is usually restrained and fairly calm; conflict is often unreasoned and angry.

Why Does Conflict Occur?

Human behavior studies indicate that some conflict is inevitable in human relationships. Often clashes occur more over perceived differences than real ones. People anticipate blocks to achieving their goals that may or may not be there. Conflict occurs when: 1. There is a lack of communication. Failure to share ideas and feelings (between wife and husband for example) allows the other person to "fill in the gap." We "read in" what we think the other person will say or anticipate how the other person will respond. Then, we often suspect negative things which provokes anxiety, leading us to look for the worst. If this continues, trust becomes lower and we may become suspicious and defensive. 2. There is a value conflict in which two people have different attitudes, beliefs and expectations. These differences may interfere in making decisions if we are inflexible and hold rigid, dogmatic beliefs about the "right way" to do things. Different values and beliefs predispose two people to choose different goals or different methods to achieve the same goals. And, since each goal requires an investment of time, effort and some sacrifice, we cannot pursue one goal without sacrificing the other to some extent. 3. There is a lack of effective leadership or decision-making. Lack of agreement about "who's in charge" or "how we are going to get things done" in any situation can be a source of conflict. For example, if one parent in a family expects democratic decision-making (all members have input) and the other wants to be the boss (do it my way), they may not be able to resolve honest differences of opinion. Then when differences exist, they become sidetracked into a hassle over who will decide or whose opinion is going to be accepted as the "right" one. The resulting conflict becomes a "win-lose" struggle. 4. There are discrepancies in role performances. Difficulties can arise if two people see their own and each others roles differently. For example, if the wife's concept of her role and the husband's concept of her role are very different, conflict may arise. But, if the man's role as a male and husband meshes well with the woman's role as female and wife, conflict will be minimal. 5. There is low productivity. Being able to accomplish tasks and achieve goals is a necessary ingredient in any work or family environment. And, if the task is not done, we may get angry. If the other person responds to our anger by performing the task, a response pattern of anger is established in order to get results. Couples with low productivity in their marriage may try nagging, making trade-offs (I'll do this if you do that), and criticizing, but these tend to produce only short-term success.

6. Change causes disequilibrium. While change is considered to be a "given" for people working and living together, another "given" is that people prefer secure, predictable patterned responses to the unknown. When changes occur abruptly and unpredictably, conflict may follow (e.g. The wife comes home from her college class one night and says "I want a divorce."). Forces may have been at work for a long time to cause such a change, but it appears suddenly and provokes anger, anxiety and confusion. 7. Unresolved prior conflict. As the number of past unresolved conflicts increases between people so does the possibility of future ones. Many people shy away from conflict management because memories of past conflicts still hurt. Probably the most lasting of those "scars" have been caused by conflicts with those we are closest to-family, close friends, trusted colleagues and in work groups.

Managing Interpersonal Conflicts

Before we try to work through a conflict with another person to achieve a more constructive outcome, there are five questions we must ask ourselves. 1. Is the conflict issue really worth the effort to resolve it? 2. Is the other person in the conflict really important to me? 3. Will talking about the issue really improve our relationship? 4. Am I willing to spend the necessary time and energy talking about the issue and helping the other person by listening? 5. Have I chosen an appropriate time and place for this confrontation? If the answer to each of these questions is YES, then proceed. If some answers are NO, you may need to choose a different method of expressing your concerns (e.g. sharing feelings only, without problem-solving).

Strategies for Dealing with Disagreement and Conflict

Disagreement by itself is usually not the cause of antagonism, hostility and conflict. More often, failure to listen and allow alternative views to be heard causes these feelings. There are five broad strategies people usually use in dealing with disagreement and conflict--power, compromise, withdraw-avoid, placate-yield, and synergy. "I win, You lose" This process involves resolution through using power and winning by force or coercion. It may take the form of "pulling rank," brow-beating, or simply outmaneuvering the opposition. The distinguishing feature of the power strategy is that resolution of the problem is unrelated to the relative merits of arguments (e.g. "You will do what I say because I'm your father and no questions asked!"). If you prefer this style as your dominant strategy, you typically view conflict as having two possible outcomes-winning or losing. If you win, your self-esteem or competence is enhanced. If you lose or are "wrong," this is a loss of status--you are incompetent or weak. The result is an aggressive, dogmatic, inflexible and unreasonable approach to conflict management; one in which the goal is to overcome your adversary. Some families and work places use this style. "I win (a little), You win (a little)" Compromise is a negotiated resolution based on each person making some concessions to the other (e.g. "If you will give..., I will give..."). Within this style, however, the other person may still be seen as an opponent. Compromise is often seen as a means for making the solution more tolerable to each party. It is a persuasive and often manipulative conflict management style in which both ends are frequently played against the middle in an attempt to serve the "common good" (e.g. Let's all give a little for the "good of the club"). On what issues are you willing to compromise? "I lose, You lose" Hopelessness is the central feature of this withdraw and avoid strategy. It is designed to protect you from being caught up in endless struggles that cannot be won. An expectation of "losing" characterizes this style and, rather than undergo such frustration, you will psychologically, and perhaps physically, leave the conflict. It is a refuge for persons who have unsuccessfully tried other styles and have decided to "roll with the punches." ("Those who quit and run away will live to fight another day.") But, this strategy often results in compliance without commitment and feelings of frustration and resentment. "I lose (a little), You win (a little)"

This placate-yield style reflects a concern for the effect of conflict on the well-being and durability of all relationships you enter. The assumption is that human relationships are so fragile they cannot endure the trauma of working through genuine differences. So the tendency is to avoid conflict and appease others by ignoring, denying and avoiding conflict. Should differences persist, giving in, placating and submitting yourself to another's goals (It's OK, you're right, we'll do it your way...") are seen as effective ways of self-protection and protecting your relationships with others. Onesided domination in the relationship is the likely outcome of this strategy. "I win, You win" As a dominant style for conflict management, this synergistic approach attaches major importance to both the goals of the parties involved and to the well-being of the relationships. This is a "win-win" outcome and assumes that you and others will enthusiastically cooperate since the positive total effect is greater than what could be achieved by individual efforts. (e.g. If all of our family members will pull together, we can achieve our goals; if not, we may all be dissatisfied.) Tolerance for differences and a recognition of the legitimacy of feelings are central to this strategy. Each individual must agree to abide by the rules of negotiation and agree to solve the conflict constructively. Any "hidden agendas" are brought out in the open so they may be effectively dealt with.

Rules for Having a "Creative" Conflict

A rule refers to any practice or pattern of behavior that guides other processes, such as conflict resolution. In any marriage, family or work environment, there is occasionally a struggle over rules--who sets them, the kinds of rules that exist and what happens when rules are broken. Here are some suggested guidelines that all parties must agree to in order for the creative conflict management process to proceed. If they don't, the process will quickly deteriorate as people try to "win" as much as possible and "lose" as little as possible. 1. Agree that now is a good time to attempt to resolve the conflict. Allow "prime time" when energy is high and motivation is positive, not when you are angry or tired. 2. The goal of creative conflict is deeper understanding, not "I win, you lose." There must be an underlying attitude of respect, caring, forgiveness and no harm. 3. Check weapons to be sure they are not deadly (no threat, no harm). Do not use an "atomic bomb" when a "squirt gun" will do. 4. Discuss the specific issue or specific behavior, not the person, personality or motivation. 5. Stay in the present, do not engage in coercion or fault-finding from the past. 6. Provide "face-saving" mechanisms. Don't corner the other person. Allow a "time out" if emotion gets too heavy. Then set a time to resume again. An armistice is not surrender. 7. When you have come to terms, put the disagreement away until you agree that it needs more discussion. Now that you have agreed upon rules about how to resolve a conflict, the following are some guidelines for negotiating that consider both the relationship and the issue at stake.

Rules for Negotiating a Conflict Issue

1. You may request a change if something is done that displeases you, or not done, which disappoints you. 2. You can request a change in an aspect of the other's behavior that has prevented you from effective problem discussion or negotiation in the past. 3. A good request is one that has taken into consideration the positive consequences on your relationship. 4. A good request for change is one that is accompanied with an offer. You can request for a change in the other's behavior if you are willing to provide support for the desired change, or reward it with a change important to the other. 5. No request can be turned down unless a negotiable alternative is available. If you suggest alternatives or make a counter-request, try to make an offer at the same time. 6. Do not agree to a settlement that you have reservations about, or are not willing to comply with. Perhaps you could have a tentative agreement--both try something for a week or a month to see what impact that solution may have.

Resolving a Disagreement
The following exercise is designed to help two individuals resolve a particular disagreement or conflict. In order for this to work, both individuals must want to have some sort of resolution to the situation. The process goes as follows: 1. Person A completes the sequence of four statements (as follows) from his/her point of view. Person A should be very specific and focus on behaviors. Remember, the goal is mutual resolution, not winning. a. Description of the current situation ("The conflict I'm having with you is..." "The problem as I see it is..."). b. Description of the ideal situation ("What I'd like to see is..." "What I'd like the outcome to be is..."). c. Description of current feelings or emotions ("The way I feel about this situation is..." "I feel.. when we...because..."). d. Description of self-intention ("What I'm willing to do to create what I want is..." "I'm willing to reach a settlement by..."). 2. Person B then paraphrases what Person A has said. If the paraphrase is accepted as accurate by Person A, Person B goes through the same sequence of statements and Person A paraphrases them. 3. Person A then asks, "Can we reach an agreement?" If the answer is "no," Person A begins the sequence again. If the answer is "yes," both parties propose possible solutions. 4. Person A presents four possible solutions, considering what Person B has said, ranking them 1, 2, 3, 4. Person B does the same. Person A selects one of B's solutions and Person B selects one of A's solutions as being the most desirable. Negotiate over which solution will accomplish the greatest outcome for both. Agree to try it out in a temporary basis to assess its consequences. Then come back and make any small changes as necessary. Any resolution must be tried willingly by both parties. A lack of commitment to do so may shatter the outcome and lower the trust level. NOTE: It may be helpful to have a third person present to facilitate the statement sequence and paraphrasing process.

Working Through a Conflict Situation

This exercise is designed to help one person examine and work through, in writing, a particular disagreement or conflict with another. A. Describe the current situation. ("The problem is _______________________________________.") Party I (self) would probably say the key issue is __________________________________________. Party II (the other) would probably say the key issue is _______________________________________. 2. Describe the ideal situation. ("What I'd like to see ________________________________________.") Party I wants _____________________________. Party II wants ______________________________. 3. What has Party I or Party II done that has moved the conflict toward either a desirable or undesirable outcome? Party I did _______________________________. Party II did _______________________________. 4. Outcomes likely if conflict is worked out ________________________________________. Outcomes likely if conflict is not worked out _________________________________________. 5. Intention and behavior. ("What I'm willing to do ________________________________________.") Party I intends to (will do) __________________. Party II intends to (will do) __________________. 6. What is preventing resolution at this time? _________________________________________

Summary
The potential for conflict exists whenever and wherever people have contact. It basically involves one or more of the following: 1) threats; 2) incompatible interests or goals; or 3) incomplete understanding or hidden personal feelings. In creative management of conflict all parties need to: * Recognize and acknowledge that it exists. * Facilitate open, accurate communication and active listening. * Maintain an objective, not emotional stance--stay on the issues, not people. * Negotiation is a cooperative enterprise, common interests must be sought in which everybody wins something. * Make the necessary adjustments, reinforce, confirm, make the agreement work.

Remember the words of Robert Townsend: "A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people." All conflict cannot be resolved. Sometimes individuals do not think it is in their best interest--the price is too high. Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue. File HEG181 under: FAMILY LIFE F-9, Relationships Issued September 1983; 10,000 printed. Electronic version issued July 1996 pubs@unl.edu Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Kenneth R. Bolen, Director of Cooperative Extension, University of Nebraska, Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources. University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension educational programs abide with the non-discrimination policies of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and the United States Department of Agriculture.