The Road to Xenu

A narrative account of life in Scientology

by Margery Wakefield

Bob Penny, one of the founders of F.A.C.T.Net (Fight Against Coercive Tactics Network), gives
this account of how The Road to Xenu was originally published in a dual edition with his book,
Social Control in Scientology :
Margery wrote the first part of the book (The Road to Xenu), and I wrote the second
part (Social Control in Scientology). We decided that the two parts complemented
each other, so we published them together in one volume which we first released at
the 1991 Cult Awareness Network conference in Oklahoma City. The printing was
done in response to demand at the nearest Kinkos or other quick printer. The
volumes were bound in a thermal binding machine of mine. Both Margerys work
and mine were released to the public domain in 1993, when they were offered for
download on the (non-internet) F.A.C.T.Net BBS. Neither are on file with the
Library of Congress unless someone else put them there. The text has been available
(with no remuneration to either Margery or me) on the F.A.C.T.Net BBS and on
countless Web and ftp sites for I know not how long.

The Road to Xenu is available on the World Wide Web at

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~dst/Library/
and
http://www.demon.co.uk/castle/xenu/xenu.html
Edition 3, released 12 October 1996.
This document was formatted on 12 October 1996.

Table of Contents

1 Implant Stations in the Sky

2 Your Needle Is Floating!
3 For the Next Endless Trillions of Years
4 Flunk for Laughing! Start!
5 Do Fish Swim? Do Birds Fly?
6 On a Clear Night You Can See Forever
7 The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.
8 Star Trek for Real
9 Death on the Titanic
10 Find Out Who You Really Are
11 Welcome to the RPF
12 Have You Ever Enslaved a Population?
13 We Are All Many
14 Back in the Wog World
Epilogue: Blood on the Bedroom Wall

1
5
10
14
20
25
33
41
49
57
65
72
79
85
88

Chapter 1

Implant Stations in the Sky

as Julie.
Then, mysteriously, she added, I have something
important to tell you.
Like what? I asked curiously, but at that moment
her teacher interrupted, wanting to talk to her about her
performance.
Later, she said with a small wave, dismissing me.
Now, relaxing on my sofa, I looked at my watch.
Plenty of time to make it to the restaurant. I quickly
changed into a wool skirt with a turtleneck sweater and
an Indian top to wear over it. And of course, my appleseed necklace that I wore everywhere.
When I reached the restaurant, Julie was waiting.
We found a small table against the wall.
So whats the big secret? I teased her, after we
had ordered.
Well, she said, I want to tell you about something really important. This is the biggest thing thats
ever happened to me. I have just made the most incredible discovery.
Well, what is it? I asked her.
You remember the week I went to California to
visit my brother? About a month ago? When I didnt
get back on time for Monday classes?
Yeah, I replied, and you sure have been acting
different since you got back. Youre never around the
dorm any more. Everyones been asking what happened to you.
You wont believe this when I tell you about it.
Its just too unbelievable.
Well, tell me. I was starting to feel impatient.
Margery, you just have to find out about Scientology, she said intensely. Its the most important
discovery of the century.
Youre kidding, I looked at her incredulously.
Thats the weird lecture we went to. Where they had
that little machine they hooked you up to. They asked
if anyone wanted to try it. We laughed all the way
home, I said remembering the night several weeks
before when a group of us had gone to a free lecture on
campus about Scientology.
We heard a lecture, something about the mind, and
then the lecturer gave us a demonstration of a meter
that was supposed to be able to read your mind. I

It was a sunny, crisp day in late October as I slowly

walked home to my little apartment on East Ann Street.
The sky was a bright and endless blue, and little gusts
of breeze stirred the leaves on the sidewalk into small
whirlwinds. Fall was my favorite season. I liked the
nippy bite of the air that made you want to walk faster
and brought the blood to your skin and hinted of the
frostier winter air to come.
As I entered the apartment, I looked around in satisfaction. I had only been in this apartment two weeks.
The apartment had been decorated on my meager student budget, but I hadnt done badly at all, I thought, as
I looked around me. With two small cans of paint I
had transformed a few old boards into a bookshelf,
using some old bricks I had found in the back yard.
And an Indian print bedspread from the flea market
covered the old worn sofa. Another Indian print fabric
served as a tablecloth for the small table against the
wall.
Anything Indian was in these days with the most
hip students, the ones I worked with at the coffee
house, like my friend Bob who painstakingly taught me
to do horoscopes. I had spent my whole paycheck last
month buying all the books and tables I needed to cast
my charts. And like Tom, a philosophy major who had
introduced me to books by Edgar Cayce on reincarnation and past lives.
And my friend Julie, whose brash, cynical personality contrasted sharply with my own shyness. Julie
seemed to know everything about the world. Her
parents were wealthy, and Julie had always had the
best of everything: the best clothes, school in Europe,
the most expensive summer camps, even a car. Being
accepted by Julie meant you were in.
I knew Julie because I had been assigned as her accompanist at the beginning of the semester. We were
both in music school; she played the cello and I accompanied her on the piano. We had been busy preparing
for the recital earlier today in which she played the
Lalo Cello Concerto.
Everything had gone fine. Afterwards, as she
packed up her cello, she asked me to meet her for dinner at the Chinese restaurant on State Street. Sure, I
agreed, honored by the attention of someone as popular

The Road to Xenu

door, wanting to know what had happened. I was embarrassed, and just told them I had a bad dream.
But the second time it happened, the dorm mother
insisted that I go see the school counselor. I had to go
once a week to see this lady, who I thought was kind of
strange. She would just sit there and not say anything.
I didnt like going to see her but I didnt want the
embarrassment of any more screaming episodes either.
And this year, other things had started to happen.
Sometimes I would be walking to class, or to the music
school to practice, and suddenly I would feel vaguely
terrified, like something terrible was going to happen.
This feeling would usually last for a couple of hours,
then it would go away. But I felt uneasy. Something
was not right. I was afraid of something, and I didnt
know what it was.
Do you really think that Scientology could help
me? I looked at Julie cautiously.
I think that if it is a problem in your mind, then
Scientology can take care of it, she answered.
Anyway, what have you got to lose? Theres no risk.
If it doesnt work, then you can go back to your counselor. But yes, I think it can really help you.
So how do you do it? I asked. I mean if I just
wanted to try a little of it?
Well, first I would have to take you over to the
center to get permission to audit you, she started to
answer.
To what?
Oh, to audit you. Thats their word for what they
do. Its like counseling but its called auditing. Audit.
Because it has to do with listening.
Oh. OK, I guess. So how does it work?
Well, once I get permission to audit you, then well
just go to your apartment and I will audit you. When I
was in California I took a course, and I am now an
auditor, she said importantly. I learned more in that
course than I have in two whole years of college.
Do I have to be hooked up to that machine?
Oh, yeah. Thats the E-meter.
E-meter? Whats that? I asked.
The E-meter. Its short for electro-psychometer.
You hold onto the cans that are attached to it, and your
thoughts register on the dial of the meter. Ill show
you exactly how it works tomorrow. Youll see. It
really works. We finished eating our dinner, paid the
check, and Julie walked me home. She came in, and
we sat in the living room until 3:00 AM talking about
Scientology.
Julie told me that Scientology had been founded by
an engineer named L. Ron Hubbard, that he had unravelled the secrets of the mind, that he was a wonderful person who just wanted to help mankind.
She said that the central part of the organization of

didnt remember much of what was actually said at the

lecture. I just remember how we all laughed as we
walked home, mimicking the lecturer with his little
brown box.
Margery, listen, Julie insisted. This is serious.
This is too important to joke about.
But you went to the lecture. It was silly. Being
able to see into your mind with that little machine.
I know, Julie said softly. I thought it was silly
too. But I went back the next day because they said
they had a free personality test, and I thought it would
be interesting to take it. They took me to a house they
all live in, and I saw a movie about Scientology, and it
explained about how this is a brand new science of the
mind, and how they could handle problems that no one
else ever could before. Margery, I really think you
should find out about this, she looked at me seriously.
Like what kind of problems? I asked a little uneasily.
Look, this is a brand new science. They have a
whole new theory about the mind. This is a thousand
years more advanced than psychiatry. They really understand the mind like no one has ever done before.
They can get rid of all sorts of things. Like headaches.
And asthma, or colds. Anything. Even cancer. And
its 100% guaranteed. If it doesnt work, then you get
your money back.
I wonder if it could help me with my anxiety attacks? I wondered out loud. I didnt know how much
Julie knew about my problems.
Sure. This is a science of the mind. If you really
understand how the mind works, then you can cure
anything that is psychosomatic, right? The only reason
that psychiatry cant cure you is that they dont know
how the mind works. If they did, then they could cure
you. But they dont. And Scientology does.
I was quiet. No one at the dorm and none of my
friends at the restaurant knew the extent of my
problems. Last year, my boyfriend had died in a freak
car accident. I had been in too much shock to really
cry at the time. I just couldnt believe that he was
gone.
But shortly after his accident, I had started to have
anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I would
wake up covered with sweat, and terrified. I could
never remember dreaming anything just before I woke
up. But I would wake up in a panic, sometimes frozen
and unable to move. This had been happening at least
once a week. I was scared that I was going crazy. In
between these attacks, I would feel normal, although I
felt a general uneasiness about something I couldnt
identify.
I had woken up screaming in the dorm one night,
and Julie was one of the girls who had appeared at my

Implant Stations in the Sky

the history of this universe for millions of years in the

past, and you also learn all about your own past, your
hundreds of lives before this one. You learn to remember all of them.
Talking about past lives didnt bother me, because I
had been reading Edgar Cayce books, so I was familiar
with the idea of reincarnation. I could accept the idea
of past lives because many of my friends believed in
them. Many of the people who worked at the coffee
house were into Cayce and past lives, and it seemed to
make sense to me. Maybe that was why I had so much
talent at the piano, I suggested to Julie. Maybe I did it
in a past life.
She agreed, Thats why playing the piano is so
easy for you. What youre really doing is just remembering it from some other life.
Maybe I knew Beethoven, I laughed.
Who knows, she answered. Maybe you were
Beethoven.
Julie said that we all had hundreds of past lives,
going all the way back to the old space civilizations of
the past history that wasnt even recorded on this
planet, but that you could remember through auditing.
I will tell you a secret, she said. And this is something Im not even supposed to tell you at this level.
But this planet is really a prison planet. Everyone here
has been sent here from another planet a long time in
the past. Everyone here is either a criminal or a rebel
or revolutionary from somewhere else. Thats why this
planet is so screwed up.
But if all this stuff happened to us, why cant we
remember it? I asked.
Because of the implants, she answered. See,
when people were sentenced to come to earth, it was
like being sent into eternal oblivion. It was the worst
sentence you could get. Because of implants. A long
time ago, the implant stations were set up to keep us
captive on earth, to keep us from ever leaving.
These implant stations are white buildings out in
space. When you finish a life here on earth, you leave
your body, but you are subconsciously programmed to
return to the implant station. In the implant station
your memory of the life you just lived is electronically
erased with machines which emit high powered
electronic beams, then you are programmed to go back
to earth for another life. But you will always keep
going back to the implant station, life after life. We
have been doing this for millions of years.
So whats different about now?
Now there is Scientology. Hubbard is the first person in all these millions of years to have figured it all
out. In Scientology for the first time, you can get rid of
your return commands so you dont ever have to go
back to one of the implant stations. Then you will be

Scientology was called the Sea Org, short for Sea

Organization, and that this was a group of mostly
young people who lived on a fleet of ships in the
Mediterranean with Hubbard, helping him to get Scientology centers started all over the world. The motto of
the Sea Org is We Come Back. This, Julie explained, is because Hubbard and the Sea Org had come
to earth thousands of years ago to salvage the
planet, and at that time they had failed to complete
their mission. So now they were back to finish what
they had started, to help save this planet from disaster.
Julie explained that through auditing, everyone on
earth could be cleared of their reactive minds,
the destructive part of the mind that was responsible for
all the suffering on earth: for sickness, insanity, war,
for all of our negative experiences.
If people could get rid of their reactive minds, Julie
said, then there would never be anymore sickness. No
one would ever get depressed again. And everyone
would get along. There would be no more fighting.
No more wars. And it was Scientology that had made
this impossible dream possible for the first time in history.
If you really want to help other people, Julie
looked at me carefully, then you need to find out
more about Scientology. As an auditor you will really
be able to help people with their problems. You will
see miracles right before your eyes. I know, because I
have seen them.
What kind of miracles? I wanted to know.
Well, things like fevers going away, colds going
away, people being able to take off their glasses and
throw them away. Ive heard stories in California that
some people with withered limbs actually had them
grow back right in the auditing session.
There is nothing on this planet as advanced as
Scientology, she continued. This is the beginning
of something really incredible.
Julie talked on about the people she had met in Los
Angeles, about how powerful they were. Some of
them, she said, even had supernatural abilities to do
different things. Some of them, the ones who were
Clear, could travel outside their bodies at will, and
could read other peoples thoughts and move objects
around with their thoughts. And there were levels
above Clear, called the OT levels, where even more
incredible things were possible.
OT levels? What are they?
The OT levels are the levels above Clear. She
explained that OT stood for the words, operating
thetan, thetan being the Scientology equivalent of
the soul.
There are eight levels above Clear, and on these
levels you learn the secrets of this universe. You learn

The Road to Xenu

free to go wherever you choose.

Where would you go? I was beginning to get
dizzy with all this strange information.
Well, to another planet, or to another galaxy.
Theres hundreds and thousands of other worlds out
there. Theres no limit to what you can do. Theres so
much to see. Its exciting. And once you learn to
exteriorize, then you can go wherever you want.
Whats exteriorize? I had to ask.
Thats when you can leave your body whenever
you want to and you can travel anywhere in the
universe. You just think of someplace and you are
there, instantly. And you can see and hear everything
you can do in your body, only better.
I was getting tired, so Julie got up and walked
toward the door. Ill see you tommorow about 1:00,
she promised, for your first auditing session. See you
then.
Tomorrow, I agreed. Thanks for the dinner.
It was hard to settle down and sleep. I had endless
dreams that night about space ships and strange
sceneries, bizarre dreams about white buildings up in
space with electron guns just waiting to pin me to the
wall....
This was my introduction to Scientology. Why did I
believe such bizarre stories? Why was I so gullible?
Why did no small voice inside me warn about possible
danger?
There is no simple answer to this question. Part of
the reason had to do with my chaotic and dysfunctional
home. I grew up in a family where there was chronic
discord. Sometimes it seemed as if my parents were
too busy battling each other to notice me. I grew up
feeling abandoned and alone. I learned to take care of

myself, then later to help take care of my two brothers

and baby sister. But there was never a solid foundation
to my world. Part of the answer has to do with the fact
that I didnt have a strong religious background. I did
go occasionally to Sunday school, but that was usually
a fairly unexciting experience which I discontinued as
soon as I was on my own.
Part of the reason is that I was an adolescent, and
like most adolescents I felt like I knew everything there
was to know about life, while actually knowing very
little. I was naive. I expected adults to be wise and to
know the answers. And I expected that I could trust
them. So when Julie told me that this man had discovered some new science, I did not question what she
said. I had been conditioned for seventeen years by my
family and by the educational system not to question
adults. If they said they knew the answers, then they
did.
Part of the reason is that I was vulnerable at this
time. I was suffering from a form of mental illness
which had been terrifying for me, the symptoms
strange and frightening. The possibility of finding an
answer to this and an end to the suffering was the real
bait which caused me to bite. Once Julie had
promised me that Scientology could give me relief, I
was hooked. And part of the answer has to do with the
fact that I was never warned. The word cult was
not in my vocabulary. No one had ever told me to
beware of strange people with strange stories, free
meals, or impossible promises. I walked into the trap
full of trust and hope, never suspecting that a noose
was slowly being drawn tightly around my mind, trapping me unknowingly and unquestioningly in one of
the most dangerous cults ever to exist.

Chapter 2

Your Needle Is Floating!

As I mentally focused on the pain in my arm, I saw

the needle again make a smaller movement toward the
right side of the dial.
See, the needle reacts to your thought, Julie explained. And the reason we use it in auditing is that it
can see below your conscious awareness. When I ask
you questions, the meter will give me your reactions at
a subconscious level, things you may not even be
aware of.
So this machine can help you read my mind, I
laughed. Amazing! I remembered how ridiculous
the whole idea of the E-meter had seemed at the lecture
several weeks earlier, and how we had laughed about it
on the way home. For some reason, it didnt seem so
silly now. The way Julie was explaining it, it seemed
to make sense.
Are you ready to get started? Julie asked,
motioning me to the chair across from her. She pulled
several sheets of blank white paper and some pencils
out of a small portfolio she had been carrying, and set
them on the table to the right of the E-meter.
Sure. What do I do? I could feel that adventure
lay ahead, and I was eager to get started.
Just hold the cans in your hands in your lap. Dont
move them if you can help it. I am going to ask you
some questions about yourself, and well just see what
happens.
Now, she gazed at me intently, glancing down
every few moments at the meter dial, Tell me more
about your anxiety attacks.
Well, they started about a year ago, right after Bill
died. I was just walking along the street one day when
I began to feel this awful feeling of terror. It seemed to
start in my stomach. I just had this feeling of terror,
like something terrible was going to happen. I was too
scared to move. I just stood there. Finally it went
away. But its been happening more and more.... I
dont know, I seem to be afraid of something, but I
dont know what it is.
OK, Julie said, thats fine. She was writing
rapidly on the paper as she spoke. You had a read on
the phrase a feeling of terror. So thats what we are
going to run.
Run? Another word used in an unfamiliar way.

The next day I woke up wondering whether the

events of the previous night had been real or just part
of a bizarre and elaborate dream. My answer came in
the early afternoon when Julie arrived with her E-meter
in hand.
The meter was a rectangular box, a little bigger than
a cigar box, with two hinges on the sides securing a
removable top.
We pulled my small table into the center of the room
and Julie proceeded to set up the E-meter.
She removed the top of the E-meter, using the side
hinges to attach it to the back of the meter where it
became a prop to keep the meter at an upright slant,
facing her. On the face of the meter was a large dial
under a plastic case with a thin needle resting at the left
side of the dial. During the session, Julie told me, I
would sit opposite her at the table, from where I would
be unable to see the face of the meter.
Only the auditor is allowed to see the needle
reads that would indicate which part of my mind to
explore, Julie explained.
But first she wanted to give me a demonstration of
the meter. As I stood beside her, she took two small
juice cans from her purse and connected them to the
leads attached to the meter, and told me to hold onto
the cans. Then she switched the power knob on. As
she turned another knob, I saw the needle float lazily to
the middle of the dial, then to the far side of the dial
and then back again to the left side.
Your needle is floating, Julie informed me.
What does that mean? I asked, watching the lazy
movement of the needle.
Well, when the needle is just floating back and
forth like this with no interrupted movements in either
direction, it means that nothing in your reactive mind is
currently being restimulated. Here, Ill show you.
Watch the dial, she commanded.
Suddenly Julie reached over and quickly gave my
arm a sharp pinch.
Ouch! I cried. I wasnt expecting that.
But as she pinched me, I saw the needle suddenly
veer all the way to the right side of the dial. Yet I
hadnt moved.
Now, said Julie loudly, remember the pinch.

The Road to Xenu

mind. It doesnt have to make sense. Just anything at

all. Look for the earliest time you felt terror.
Suddenly in my mind, I saw the picture of a foot. A
tiny foot. Then a hand. Well, I see a foot. It doesnt
make any sense. I just see this little foot. And a hand.
And I feel scared. I dont know whats happening. I
looked anxiously into the darkness, wanting to see
more.
All right. Go to the beginning of the incident and
tell me when you are there.
Im there, I said uncertainly.
Scan through to the end of the incident and tell me
what happened.
Well, I see this little foot and this hand and its
pulling the foot. Its holding this baby upside down
and spanking it. Its a baby thats just been born. And
I feel scared. Really scared. I feel like I dont know
whats happening.
Julie looked at me expectantly, but in silence.
Thats me, isnt it? That was me in the picture. I
was being born. And I was scared. I opened my eyes
and looked across at Julie, wanting some kind of confirmation. But she just continued to look at me as if
she was expecting something else. But what? I closed
my eyes again.
Then I noticed that the terror inside me was subsiding, and I felt myself slipping into a state of deep
relaxation. The picture started to fade away into the
darkness, getting smaller and smaller. Then something
unexpected started to happen. I opened my eyes and
looked straight at Julie. Suddenly I started to laugh.
For no reason I just started laughing as if I had just
heard the worlds funniest joke. The laughter seemed
to come from deep inside me, and I couldnt stop it.
Julie just sat there, looking at me, with a fixed expression, unsmiling, apparently not sharing any of my
mysterious mirth.
After I had sobered up, Julie continued to stare at me
and then said solemnly, Id like to indicate that your
needle is floating. This is the end of the session. You
can put down the cans.
Thats it? Thats all there is to it? You mean my
anxiety attacks are cured?
Well, you just have to wait and see. There might
be other feelings involved. Just wait and see, Julie
answered as she turned off the meter. She folded up
the sheets of paper and started packing everything
away. Now I want to take you over to the center.
Come on. You have to see the Examiner. We drove
to an older house not far from the university. I still had
a lingering feeling of elation from the mysterious session.
As we walked in the house, I was directed to a small
room off to the right. A sign over the door said, Ex-

Oh, that just means that we are going to use a

Dianetics technique to take this feeling of terror back to
its root. Once we get to the earliest time you had this
feeling, and you are able to reexperience that earliest
incident, then the feeling should go away and never
bother you again.
How do you know if its the earliest incident? I
wanted to know.
I can tell by the E-meter. The needle moves in a
certain way when you have reached the earliest incident. Now, lets get started. Julie continued to
adjust the knobs on the meter.
Then she looked at me and said loudly, Locate an
incident containing a feeling of terror.
All right, I thought back. Yesterday. Just before the recital. I started to experience fear. I had the
feeling that something awful was going to happen.
OK, Julie responded. What was the date of the
incident?
Yesterday, I answered.
All right, what was the duration of the incident?
I thought back. It only lasted a few minutes.
About fifteen minutes.
OK. Close your eyes. Go to the beginning of the
incident and scan through it to the end. Then tell me
what happened.
I closed my eyes and followed her instructions. I
could see yesterdays events very clearly in my
mind.
All right. Im there. I described the event to her.
Now, is the incident erasing or growing more
solid? she asked.
It seems to be more solid, I said with my eyes
still closed.
All right. Now Im going to ask you if there is an
earlier incident containing a feeling of terror.
Well, yes. I had that feeling last week during a
class. With my eyes still closed I began to visualize
the classroom.
OK. Now move to the beginning of that incident,
Julie commanded. Then she asked me the same questions about the date and duration of the incident.
Again, at her commands I could clearly visualize the
classroom. The familiar feeling of terror started its
spread from my stomach to the other parts of my body.
I was beginning to have a familiar feeling of panic.
Is it getting more solid? Julie inquired softly.
I think so. Im starting to feel really scared.
OK. Now think back and see if you can find the
earliest time you had this feeling of terror.
With my eyes closed, I looked into the blackness,
trying to follow Julies command.
I dont see anything, I said honestly.
OK. Just relax and see if anything comes to your

Your Needle Is Floating!

could audit me further.

She explained that someone called the Case Supervisor had to look over the notes she had taken during
our session, and write down for Julie the instructions
for our next session. This written page of instructions
was called a C/S.
She explained that the other people in the living
room were either auditors or their preclears and that
they were also waiting for a C/S before they could
resume auditing.
Look, Julie told me. I have some work I need
to do. Why dont you stop back around seven tonight
and well see whats next? Ill meet you right by the
front door.
OK. Thanks. As I walked toward the front door,
I saw a small poster hanging in the hall that had a
picture of Earth done in crayons, and black lettering
below that said, What would you be doing if there
were only seven days left until the end of the world?
Strange, I thought, but quickly dismissed it from
my mind.
As I walked home, it seemed to me that everything
was a bit brighter. I seemed to be unusually alert,
noticing the bright, metallic colors of the cars parked
along the street, and the unusual vividness of the leaves
on the trees. I had smoked marijuana a few times at
parties, and this seemed curiously similar to the
heightened perceptions I had when high on grass.
Everything just looked more vivid.
When I got home, I went in the bathroom and looked
into the mirror. Something caught my attention. Suddenly I felt a rush of euphoria as I looked at myself in
the mirror. A thought was forming somewhere deep in
my mind, making its way to the surface like a bubble.
Thats not me, the thought made me simultaneously confused and elated. My mind was racing
ahead as I tried to grope for some sort of mental order.
Thats not me. Again I looked into the mirror, into
my own eyes.
Thats my body. But its not me. I am different.
Theyre right. Im not my body, Im something else. I
am different than my body. Then I felt an explosion
all around me. It seemed as if the walls had just exploded all around me. I looked around. Nothing had
moved. What was that explosion? This was wild!
I decided to go back to the house. I needed to talk to
someone. Something was happening to me.
As I walked I noticed that the colors around me were
still unusually bright. And I still had the feeling of
euphoria. I was feeling like at any moment I could
explode into a million tiny particles.
I walked up the steps and into the house. I found
Rita talking to someone in the living room. She saw
me, and quickly came over.

aminer. In the middle of the room was a table with

an E-meter already set up in the middle of it. A young
boy of about high school age was sitting at the table
and he motioned for me to take the chair across from
him.
Pick up the cans, he commanded as he looked at
the meter and adjusted the knobs. Then he looked
across at me and said solemnly, Thank you. Your
needle is floating. You can put down the cans. Then
he smiled. You have to come and see the Examiner
after every session, he explained, seeing my obvious
confusion.
Why? I asked.
Because, if your needle isnt floating or if the tone
arm is reading too high, he said pointing to one of the
larger knobs on the meter, then you might have to go
directly into a Review session. To correct what went
wrong in your session. Thats all. But you are fine.
Your needle was floating all over the dial.
He looked at me with satisfaction. Then he got up
and I went out to rejoin Julie in the hallway. The boy
handed Julie a piece of paper and quickly disappeared
into another room.
Come on. I want you to meet everyone.
We walked into the living room where several
people were sitting as if they were waiting for something. It reminded me of the reception area in a
doctors office.
Julie introduced me to an older woman who was
seated at a desk piled high with papers.
This is Rita, Julie said as the woman smiled at
me. Shes the director of the center. Then she
looked over toward several people sitting on some
sofas in the center of the room. They all seemed to be
about my age or a little older.
Margery just had her first session, Julie announced triumphantly.
Oh, wow. Thats great. Congratulations, several
of them came over to me and hugged me and shook my
hand.
I can tell just by looking at you that it was a success, the older woman beamed at me as she got up
and took me by the hand. Now come and Ill show
you around the center. Well have to get you signed up
for the Communication Course.
The Communication Course? But my question
was lost as she began to introduce me around. There
were more hugs. I felt like an honored guest. I
responded to their friendly smiles and warm congratulations. I had never seen so many apparently
happy people. They could all have been on drugs, but
their eyes were clear and direct, and they had a relaxed
alertness that seemed to belie any drug involvement.
Julie told me that we had to get a C/S before she

The Road to Xenu

Scientology that lead up to Clear. She led me over to

a large chart on the wall, printed in red. It was labelled
in big red letters at the top, The Bridge to Total
Freedom. There were rows of little boxes on the
chart and I quickly understood that each level on the
chart represented a different level in Scientology.
You are here, Rita pointed to the lowest level,
and Clear is here, pointing to a level halfway up the
chart. You must do all these levels in between to
become a real Clear. However, because you have achieved the state of keyed out Clear, Im afraid that you
can only be audited from now on by someone who is
Clear or above, she motioned to the levels at the top
of the chart.
What about Julie? I looked toward Julie who was
standing there silently.
Shes not Clear, so she cant audit you here
anymore. We dont have anyone here who is Clear yet,
other than myself. Im Clear, but Im not tech-trained,
so I cant audit you either.
Then what am I supposed to do? I was feeling
even more confused.
Im afraid, Rita looked at me smiling broadly,
youre going to have to go to Los Angeles to continue
your auditing. You have suddenly exceeded our ability
to help you.
I cant go to Los Angeles. Im in school. Here.
I looked helplessly at both of them.
Margery, Julie said slowly, you will just have to
make a decision. You really dont know much about
Scientology yet. It goes way beyond anything you can
even imagine. Look at these top levels. She pointed
to a level just above Clear.
These are the OT levels. When you get to these
levels you will achieve states of mind that before this
time people have only dreamed about. And if you go
to L.A. you can train to become an auditor yourself.
This is just the beginning of a great adventure for you.
There are no limits in this game. There is no problem
that auditing cant handle.
And besides, she continued, didnt you tell me
that you wanted to help people? Well, there isnt anything you can do that will make as much of a difference
as becoming an auditor. This is the most powerful
stuff in the whole world, in fact, in the whole universe.
Just think about it.
I was dizzy. Los Angeles? I thought about the life I
had here in Ann Arbor. Somehow things werent the
same. Somehow working in the coffee house and going to classes seemed pretty dull compared with the
events I had experienced in the past two days. This
was an adventure. What did I have to lose? If it didnt
work out I could always come back.
I made a decision. I looked up at Rita and Julie.

What is it? She put her hand on my arm.

Im not sure. I just had a very strange experience. I told her about the colors and the brightness I had observed on the way home, and then my
thoughts as I looked into the mirror and the strange
explosion.
OK. You need to go in and see the Examiner again
and tell him exactly what you have just told me. Its
OK, she looked at me reassuringly and smiled.
Dont worry. This has happened to other people.
Youre just going a little faster than usual, thats all.
She didnt seem to be alarmed.
I was again seated at the table with the young boy,
and I repeated what I had told Rita, feeling somewhat
embarrassed.
He was writing down notes as I was talking. Then,
after staring for a long time at the E-meter dial, he
finally looked up at me and said with an expressionless
face, Your needle is floating. You can go and wait in
the living room.
So I went and sat in a chair on the far side of the
room. The other people in the room seemed to be
absorbed in reading or in quiet, private conversations,
so I just sat there, wondering what I was waiting for.
Half an hour later, the young boy appeared in the
doorway. He held a manila folder in his hand. Then
very loudly, he shouted out, Thats it! Margery has
just attained the state of keyed out Clear!
Suddenly the room came to life. At once, everyone
was looking at me, and clapping. They were all smiling.
Speech, speech! they were shouting while the
clapping turned rhythmical. Well, I stammered,
crimson from all the unexpected attention, I feel
really good. Im not sure what has happened to me, but
I feel great.
The clapping continued. Finally, Ritas voice came
from the doorway. OK, everyone. Thats it. You
can go back to your reading.
The clapping stopped as suddenly as it had started
and everyone turned back to their activities. Julie had
appeared in the room with Rita. They were both laughing as they came up to me. I must have looked very
confused.
What in the world is keyed out Clear? I managed
to ask them.
It means, Julie replied, it means that you have
just temporarily achieved the state of Clear. Sometimes the reactive mind moves out of the way temporarily and you actually feel like you would if you
were Clear. I cant believe this happened to you after
just one session!
Margery, Rita saw that I was still confused, the
only way to really get Clear is to do all the grades in

OK. Im going. Im going to L.A.

All right!, Julie grabbed me in a big hug. This
kids gonna go Clear!
OK, said Rita. Were going to have to make
some phone calls. Lets get busy. She looked at me

Your Needle Is Floating!

proudly. You have a wonderful adventure ahead of

you. I promise you, you will never be the same
again.
She would never know how true those words were to
be.

The Road to Xenu

Chapter 3

For the Next Endless Trillions of Years

The wheels of the plane made contact with the runway and I was abruptly jolted back into the present. I
retrieved my one small suitcase and asked directions to
a bus headed into Los Angeles. Inside my purse was a
slip of paper with my destination, 820 South Burlington Street. Celebrity Center, and a name, Antonio Ferraro.
I probably looked like any other student in the late
sixties, in my Indian print dress, leather sandals, and
appleseed necklace. An hour and a crowded bus ride
later, I stood outside a low wooden building on the
corner of Burlington and Eighth Streets in downtown
Los Angeles, in the MacArthur Park district.
The large sign on the building said Welcome to
Celebrity Center. A smaller sign on the door read,
A Center for Artists. Church of Scientology. I had
been told that the main Scientology center, the Los
Angeles Org (or organization) was located a few
blocks away on Ninth Street, but that Celebrity Center
was a special center which catered to artists and to
celebrities in the motion picture business. Because of
my musical abilities it had been decided to refer me
here.
The front door was open. I walked in and was immediately greeted by a short, older woman with clear
blue eyes and an eager smile.
Hello, dear, she greeted me, putting her hand on
my arm in a friendly gesture. Can I help you?
Im supposed to ask for Antonio. I just came from
Ann Arbor. I gave her Ritas name.
Oh, yes. Weve been expecting you. Im so glad
youre here. Come. Lets find Antonio and get you
started. I followed her into a large room just behind
the reception area.
The room was somewhat dark and it took me several
seconds to adjust to the lighting. Then I saw several
long rows of tables with about a dozen people sitting,
obviously absorbed in study. Some of them seemed to
be working in pairs and were quietly conversing.
I was immediately struck by how quiet the room
was, like a library. The only sounds were the low
murmur of voices and the sound of rustling papers. A
woman in a white uniform was slowly circling the
tables, observing the students. She held a clipboard in

I stared out the window as the plane dipped into the

greenish-yellow smog bank blanketing the city below.
Five minutes earlier the captain had announced our descent into Los Angeles.
I was thinking about the adventure that lay waiting
for me in the city that was beginning to materialize
below as we cleared the smoggy haze. I was also
thinking of Julies last words to me as we parted at the
airport in Ann Arbor. Remember, she had said with
a smile, the true test of a thetan is to make things go
right.
The past three days had been a blur of activity. I had
to formally withdraw from school, leaving behind a
slate of incomplete classes. My school record read
simply Withdrew for personal reasons.
I called my mother and asked if she could come and
help me pack up my things.
Im going to California to study Scientology, I
announced.
Whats Scientology? I could hear the suspicion in
her voice.
Its a new science of the mind, I informed her.
Its the psychology of the future. I am going to train
to become an auditor. A new kind of counselor. Ill be
able to really help people.
She arrived the next day, pleading with me to at least
finish the semester before beginning my odyssey west.
What kind of school is this Scientology anyway,
she wanted to know. Ive never heard of it and neither has your father. Are you sure its accredited?
Mom, I remonstrated, slightly annoyed that she
was not willing to share my enthusiasm, what does it
matter if its not accredited? Its new. Its light years
ahead of traditional psychotherapy (I had heard that
phrase at the center). Im going to be able to really
help people. You know thats all I ever really cared
about.
Unconvinced, but seeing that I was not to be dissuaded, she helped me load my meager belongings into
the back of the station wagon. Well just keep everything for you in the basement until you come back.
As she drove off, I looked back into the empty apartment and thought, Well, theres no turning back now.
L.A., here I come.

10

For the Next Endless Trillions of Years

What are those people doing? I asked, pointing to

a smaller table at which two people seemed to be
making small figures out of clay.
That is the clay table. In all of your courses here,
you will be asked to demonstrate the concepts that you
are learning in clay. You have to actually show the
ideas in clay. That is to add mass to the significance of the written words. Hubbard found that
people get sleepy when they read for long periods of
time. When you add mass to their learning, by having
them do practical drills or demonstrate things in clay,
they are more alert, and can study for longer periods of
time.
At another table, I noticed another student with
headphones listening to a tape recording.
Occasionally, the student would chuckle out loud at something he heard on the tape.
I looked back at Antonio. This is different from
any classroom Ive ever seen before. Its not like
school at all.
You are in for many surprises in Scientology,
Antonio beamed. Your life will never be the same
again.
Yeah, everyone keeps saying that. I looked out
again at the strange classroom. So, Antonio, what do
I have to do to get started?
Antonio pulled out a long piece of paper printed with
green ink. This is a routing form, he said as he
started to fill out the form. Well just get you routed
onto course.
After several routine questions, he asked me how
much money I had brought with me. Five hundred
dollars, I told him honestly. Maybe a few dollars
more.
Well, thats great, because thats exactly the cost of
the Dianetics Course, he looked at me happily.
Youll be able to get started right away.
I thought the first course was the Communication
Course? (In Ann Arbor I had been told that my first
course would only cost fifty dollars.)
Yes, many people start with the Communication
Course, but in your case, you can go directly onto the
Dianetics Course. That will save you some money.
And all of the materials from the Communication
Course are included on the Dianetics Course, so you
wont lose anything. And I can see that you have too
much awareness to need the Communication Course.
You are ready for Dianetics.
I accepted his explanation, but there was an obvious
problem. But what will I do about a place to stay and
a job. This is all the money I have.
Thats no problem, Antonio assured me. We
will find a place next door for you to stay. Right now
all you have to worry about is just being on course.

her hand. As I watched, she would occasionally write

something on the clipboard, then wordlessly hand a
pink sheet of paper to one of the students.
At the front of the room, an older man was seated at
a desk piled with manilla folders. A sign on the desk
read Registrar. The older woman, who had introduced herself as Aileen, lead me to the desk.
This is Antonio, she smiled. Antonio, this is
Margery. Shes just come from Michigan to do some
training with us. I know youll be able to get her
oriented. She took my hand. Well talk later. The
most important thing is for you to get started on
course. She averted her intense gaze, and looked at
Antonio with a knowing smile. He nodded, then
looked at me and pointed toward a chair next to his
desk.
Welcome, he looked at me, also smiling broadly.
Welcome to Scientology, the Road to Total
Freedom. It was a phrase I would hear many times in
the coming years.
Antonio gestured toward the classroom. This is
our courseroom. This is where we teach the Dianetics
course, and where youll learn to become an auditor.
He paused, then looked at me as if he were wondering
whether or not to let me in on a secret.
Miracles happen here every day. Miracles. Youll
see.
I looked back at the room. Over to the side of the
long tables were other students, in pairs, seated in
chairs facing each other and staringly wordlessly into
each others eyes.
What are they doing? I asked Antonio.
Theyre doing TR zero. TR stands for Training
Routine. Its one of the drills on the Dianetics Course.
Its a drill to improve your eye contact, and your confront as an auditor.
Confront? I was puzzled, not remembering ever
having heard the word used as a noun before.
That means the ability of the auditor to accept
whatever the preclear says or does in the auditing session without any reaction from his own case, Antonio
explained.
Case? Another new word.
Case, yes. Case is a word we use for the preclears
reactive mind. It is also called a bank. When the
persons reactive mind or bank is restimulated it means
that he is keyed in or banky.
I looked at him and laughed. Did I just land on a
different planet? I feel like Im learning a whole new
language.
Thats because Scientology is different from any
other subject. We use new words so that people studying our courses dont get Scientology ideas confused
with ideas in other subjects, like psychology.

11

The Road to Xenu

you your help in achieving our aims and helping others.

We expect you to be helped.
Scientology is the most vital movement on Earth
today.
In a turbulent world, the job is not easy. But then, if it
were, we wouldnt have to be doing it.
We respect Man and believe he is worthy of help. We
respect you and believe you, too, can help.
Scientology does not owe its help. We have done
nothing to cause us to propitiate. Had we done so, we
would not now be bright enough to do what we are
doing.
Man suspects all offers of help. He has often been
betrayed, his confidence shattered. Too frequently he
has given his trust and been betrayed. We may err, for
we build a world with broken straws. But we will never
betray your faith in us so long as you are one of us.
The sun never sets on Scientology.
And may a new day dawn for you, for those you love
and for Man.
Our aims are simple, if great.
And we will succeed, and are succeeding at each new
revolution of the Earth.
Your help is acceptable to us.
Our help is yours.

Everything will be taken care of.

So I dug into my purse and handed Antonio my total
savings. After I had signed the routing form in several
places, Antonio led me over to the woman in the white
uniform.
This is the Course Supervisor, he informed me as
he introduced me. She will give you your course
pack. And if you have any questions, shes the person
to ask. Well have time to talk again later.
With none of the smiling warmth of Antonio and
Aileen, the Course Supervisor stared at me with an
expressionless face. Sit over there, she motioned
me to an empty seat. Ill get you your pack.
A minute later she handed me an two-inch thick
legal sized packet which was bound and printed in red
ink. DIANETICS, with small letters at the bottom.
Copyright, L. Ron Hubbard.
The first few pages of the pack were marked
CHECKSHEET. Each item of the checksheet was
numbered, and there were spaces after each item which
were obviously to be initialed after each item was read.
Some of the lines had a star before them, with the
explanation that all starred items were to be starrated by another student. I would be quizzed on these
items by another student who then had to initial my
sheet.
As I looked through the pack, I noticed that some of
the pages of the pack were printed in green ink. At the
top they were marked HCO POLICY LETTER.
Further on in the pack were other sheets printed in red
and marked HCO BULLETIN. At the top of all the
pages were the words HUBBARD COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE, Saint Hill Manor, East Grinstead,
Sussex.
I turned to the first page after the checksheet. It was
a green page with the title The Aims of Scientology.
A civilization without insanity, without criminals
and without war, the essay began,

And at the bottom was the signature of L. Ron Hubbard.

That sounds really great, I thought. I initialled my
checksheet and turned the page.
Next I started to read a biography of Hubbard.
Hubbard, I read, was born in Nebraska in 1911 and
was raised on his grandfathers cattle ranch in Montana. He could ride before he could walk. As a
teenager he spent several years traveling in Asia, studying with Lama Priests and other warlike people.
Later he enrolled at George Washington University,
and was a member of the first course in nuclear
physics. He later led an expedition into Central
America to study savage cultures.
He was crippled and blinded at the end of World
War II but cured himself by applying to himself his
discoveries about the mind. He was twice pronounced
dead, but later given a perfect bill of health.
With the publication of Dianetics, the Modern
Science of Mental Health was established as a
worldwide organization. Scientology is the most vital movement on Earth today.... Every week thousands
of new people are introduced to its great benefits.
The biography concluded, The long sought bridge
to total freedom for Mankind was complete.
Next, I read an essay in green ink titled, My
Philosophy, by L. Ron Hubbard.
I like to help others, I read,

where the able can prosper and honest beings can have
rights, and where Man is free to rise to greater heights,
are the aims of Scientology.
First announced to an enturbulated world fifteen years
ago, these aims are well within the grasp of our technology.
Non-political in nature, Scientology welcomes any individual of any creed, race or nation.
We seek no revolution. We seek only evolution to
higher states of being for the individual and for Society.
We are achieving our aims.
After endless millenia of ignorance about himself, his
mind and the Universe, a breakthrough has been made
for Man.
Other efforts Man has made have been surpassed.
The combined truths of Fifty Thousand years of thinking men, distilled and amplified by new discoveries
about Man, have made for this success.
We welcome you to Scientology. We only expect of

and count it as my greatest pleasure in life to see a

person free himself of the shadows which darken his
days....
I have lived no cloistered life and hold in contempt the
wise man who has not lived and the scholar who will not

12

share....
There have been many wiser men than I, but few have
traveled as much road....
I have seen life from the top down and the bottom up.
I know how it looks both ways. And I know that there is
wisdom and that there is hope....
No man has any monopoly upon the wisdom of this
universe. It belongs to those who can use it to help
themselves and others.
If things were a little better known and understood, we
would all lead happier lives.
And there is a way to know them and there is a way to
freedom.
The old must give way to the new, falsehood must be
exposed by truth, and truth, though fought, always in the
end prevails.

For the Next Endless Trillions of Years

minded approach. If theyre going to quit let them quit

fast. If they enrolled, theyre aboard, and if theyre
aboard, theyre here on the same terms as the rest of
uswin or die in the attempt.

As I read on to the end of this policy letter, I came to

a paragraph that I had to read twice. Did it say what I
think it said?
Were not playing some minor game in Scientology. It
isnt cute or something to do for lack of something
better.... The whole agonized future of this planet, every
Man, Woman and Child on it, and your own destiny for
the next endless trillions of years depends on what you
do here and now with and in Scientology.

Wow, I thought. Heavy. This was more than

I had expected. But then, really, what had I expected?
I looked around the room at the other students who
were quietly studying. I suddenly had the feeling that I
had not only arrived in a different city, but in a different world.
Whatever had been important to me before, now
paled in comparison with what I was discovering on
these pages. I was being led into a new world, with
new ideas, new words, new people, and new priorities.
In one day my priorities had shifted from the mundane unimportances of my barren life as a college student to the profound ideals I was discovering in these
pages. It was almost scary. In reading Hubbards
words, I felt a challenge. Challenge to go beyond anything I had ever expected of myself, or imagined
myself capable of. Here was a chance to be and do
something heroic. How often, I wondered, does a person have a chance like this? A chance to make a
universal difference in life.
Goodbye, old life, I thought. Somehow, after reading just these few pages, I knew I would not be returning to college any time soon.
Instead, I walked eagerly and trustingly into the
world of Scientology, without so much as a backwards
look. If this was the ship called Scientology, I was
aboard.

Again, on the bottom, was the signature of L. Ron

Hubbard.
The next essay was called Safeguarding Technology. In it, Hubbard stated that,
In fifty thousand years of history on this planet alone,
Man never evolved a workable system. It is doubtful if,
in foreseeable history, he will ever evolve another.
Man is caught in a huge and complex labyrinth. To
get out of it requires that he follow the closely taped
path of Scientology.
It has taken me a third of a century in this lifetime to
tape this route out....
Scientology is the only workable system Man has. It
has already taken people toward higher IQ, better lives
and all that. No other system has. So realize it has no
competitor....
Dont let your party down. By whatever means, keep
them on the route. And theyll be free. If you dont,
they wont.

In my mind, I could almost hear a band playing.

Patriotism I never knew I possessed was stirring inside
me. At last, I thought, after eighteen depressing years
of frustration and failure, maybe I have finally found
the winning team.
The next essay was even more intense. It hinted of
danger.
When somebody enrolls, consider he or she has joined
up for the duration of the universenever permit an open-

13

The Road to Xenu

Chapter 4

Flunk for Laughing! Start!

else for thousands of years has been able to figure it

out. She looked at me, her eyes sparkling.
Have you ever met him? I asked her.
No, but I would give anything just to say hello to
him one time. He pretty much stays on the ship. I am
so jealous of my parents. They get to work with him
every day. I could have gone on the ship, but I want to
become a famous actress first. Thats the best way I
can help the third dynamic. By getting my acting into
power.
Third dynamic? The question was just out of my
mouth when I heard a stern, Thats it. End of break.
Lets get back on course. And I want to see some stats
this afternoon! The uniformed Course Supervisor
stood in the doorway looking very military. She had a
red lanyard around her neck to which a whistle was
attached. I waited for her to use it but she didnt. The
students quickly followed her into the courseroom and
took their seats. As soon as everyone was seated, the
Supervisor called out, All right. Start! The classroom was quiet once again.
I looked at my checksheet. The next section was
called Training Drills.
According to the instructions I needed a twin to
do the drills. I went up the Supervisor. She looked
around the classroom. OK, she said. I think
George needs to do TRs. Go have a seat and Ill get
him, she pointed to the pairs of chairs in the back of
the room.
A minute later, an older man approached and
stretched out his hand. Hi, he said warmly. Im
George. I hear you need to do TRs.
Yeah, I guess, I hesitated. Ive never done
them before.
Thats OK. Lets read the bulletin, and he
opened his pack to the same page I was on.
TR 0 Confronting, I read.

Just as I was finishing the last policy letter in the

first section of my checksheet, the Course Supervisor
called out in a loud voice, Thats it! Afternoon
break! At once chairs were pushed back and study
packs closed as everyone filed out the front door into
the parking lot. There was a long square log bordering
a small garden by the front door which served as a
bench for the students during the break. Several students were lighting up cigarettes.
I noticed a girl about my own age sitting by herself.
Hi, I ventured. Im Margery. I just started the
course this afternoon.
Hi. Welcome. Im Kris, she reached out her
hand. So what do you think so far?
Its pretty wild. This is different from anything
Ive ever done before. I guess Im still wondering if
its all real. Maybe Im just having a very strange
dream. I laughed as I turned up the sleeves of my
dress to take advantage of the hot California sun.
Oh, its real all right. I wondered at the beginning
too. But the auditing really works. Thats what convinced me. Ive had so many wins from auditing.
Now I just want to get up the bridge and go OT. Thats
where its at. She stared abstractedly into the distance for a few seconds. Howd you get in,
anyway?
A friend at school. In Michigan. Everythings
happened so fast. If you had told me a week ago that
Id be dropping out of school and coming to California,
I would have thought you were crazy. But here I am.
I shook my head as she offered me a cigarette. How
about you? I mean, how did you get in?
Oh, my whole familys in. My brother got in first,
then my parents. Now my parents are in the Sea Org.
Theyre on the ship. And my brothers an auditor at
the Org, she pointed vaguely in a southwesterly direction. I would have joined the Sea Org too. It would
be cool to be on the ship with Ron. But I have a small
part in a film, so I cant leave right now.
Ron? I looked puzzled.
Ron. Hubbard. He likes us to call him Ron. Hes
neat. He really cares about everyone. Wait till you
listen to his tapes. Hes funny. But hes a genius to
have figured out how the mind works. I mean, no one

Purpose: To train student to confront a preclear with

auditing only or with nothing. Training Stress: Have
student and coach sit facing each other, neither making
any conversation or effort to be interesting. Have them
sit and look at each other and say and do nothing for
some hours. Student must not speak, fidget, giggle or be
embarrassed....

All right, George looked at me pleasantly. Ill

14

Flunk for Laughing! Start!

light-headed, almost like I had felt once at the dentist

when I had been given gas before having a tooth extracted.
How much time had gone by? I continued my stare.
I wanted to look down at my watch. I wondered how
were we going to know when two hours had gone by.
The thought of having to sit here until the Supervisor
called the dinner break was not a good thought.
The time continued to pass by. The excruciating
pain at the point where my hipbones met the chair
seemed to be going away, and I was beginning to feel a
sense of expansiveness, as if I were expanding like a
balloon into the space in the classroom.
Suddenly I had a rushing feeling of euphoria. I felt
as if I was floating, looking down at everyone from a
thousand points all over the room. This was better than
anything I had ever experienced on marijuana.
Far out, I thought to myself. The pain was gone.
I feel like I could sit here like this for a thousand
years. I was enjoying the expansive high. The colors
were gone. Instead, I saw the room with crystal clarity.
I felt an unaccustomed serenity. I could just stay like
this forever, I was thinking, when suddenly George
reached forward and tapped my shoulder.
Thats it, he said quietly. You have just passed
TR 0.
Wow, I said. I dont know if I can even stand
up. I feel like I have been blasted out of my head.
Exactly, he looked at me and smiled. Congratulations. Most people dont do that well the first
time. I can see that you are going to be an excellent
student.
I tried to move my head. I was still feeling like I
was located at some remote point from my body,
making motion difficult. I tried to stand up and stretch,
but felt dizzy. I felt as if I was moving my body by
remote control. George looked at his watch. Well,
we dont really have time to do any more before dinner. Why dont we continue after dinner. That will
give you some time to enjoy your win from TR 0. He
seemed to understand that I was still trying to get back
in control of my body.
Dont worry, he assured me. You are probably
just feeling a bit exterior. It takes a little getting used
to. Ill see you here after dinner. I opened my pack,
and looked at the next drill.
TR 0 Bullbait, I read.

be the coach. We do this for two hours. Get comfortable.

I adjusted myself in the chair and put my hands on
my lap.
Ready? George sat in a similar position directly
across from me. Our knees were almost touching.
I nodded.
OK, start! George commanded.
I looked into Georges eyes, wondering what was
going to happen. He looked back at me with a flawless, unblinking stare. I blinked my eyes.
Flunk for blinking! Start! George said sternly.
You mean I cant even blink? I asked incredulously.
Flunk for talking! Start! George said, still maintaining his perfect stare into my eyes.
I tried to return the same perfect stare he was giving
me. My mouth started to quiver.
Flunk for moving your mouth. Start! George
was merciless. All right, I thought to myself. This is
serious. Then I thought of something.
George, I interrupted. Wait a minute. If I
flunk, does that mean we have to start the two hours
over again?
Thats it, he said, temporarily ending the drill.
He smiled at me and said, Right. The two hours will
start over again every time I say Start. When you can
do TR 0 flawlessly for two hours, then we are finished
with the drill.
Before I could ask him anything else, he had
resumed his staring and commanded, Flunk for talking! Start! and we were off again. I tried as hard as I
could not to blink. Soon I could feel the tears welling
up in my eyes. My eyes were burning from the salty
liquid. But I forced myself not to blink. George continued his seemingly effortless blinkless stare.
As I stared into Georges eyes, I began to see an aura
of colors around his head. The colors were flowing in
streams around his head. Then the colors expanded
into the whole room. I watched with awe as the whole
room became filled with flowing colors.
Meanwhile my pain was increasing. The tears
started to run down my cheeks. Inside I was crying
with pain. But stubbornness competed with the pain.
If he can do it, I thought to myself determinedly,
then I can do it too. I was feeling pain in my whole
body. I was suddenly conscious of the chair, and it felt
painful against my body. I wanted desperately to move
and to ease the pain of the chair against the pressure
points of my body. This was torture. The time went
on. I began to have sensations of my body being contorted out of shape. The flowing colors in the room
became even more vivid. I was feeling strangely dizzy.
I wondered if I was going to pass out. I was feeling

Purpose: To train student to confront a preclear with

auditing or with nothing. The whole idea is to get the
student able to BE there comfortably in a position three
feet in front of the preclear without being thrown off,
distracted or reacting in any way to what the preclear
says or does.
Training Stress: After the student has passed TR 0 and
he can just BE there comfortably, bull baiting can

15

The Road to Xenu

begin. Anything added to BEING THERE is sharply

flunked by the coach. The coach may say anything or
do anything except leave the chair. The students buttons can be found and tromped on hard.

I started to feel the fatigue of the long day and the

unfamiliar events.
I listened to the conversation at the table. I realized
that I didnt understand much of what they were saying. It really did seem like a different language. Many
of the words sounded familiar, but they seemed to be
using them in ways I had never heard them used before.
This is really an upstat dinner, Aileen said. The
cook must be in power. Yeah, one of the others, a
blond haired man in a navy blue uniform with a gold
braid, laughed, after he got over his ARC break about
three unexpected people for dinner. He looked at me.
Is this a new PC? he asked Antonio.
Yes, Antonio replied, introducing me. This is
Margery. Shes just been selected here. Julie is her
FSM. Her stats are already in affluence after her first
day on course.
Outstanding, the blond man looked at me approvingly. We need some new blood in Tech.
I was too busy eating to ask any questions. I just
tried to understand as much as I could of their unusual
conversation.
After dinner, I volunteered to help with the dishes.
No, Aileen answered, taking some plates from
my hand, youre not hatted to work in the kitchen.
And we have a Kitchen I/C here to take care of everything.
Hatted? Kitchen I/C? I thought I would never
learn all the new words.
Im sorry, Aileen put her arm on my shoulder.
I keep forgetting that you dont know our words yet.
I guess Ive just been here too long. She continued,
Every job in Scientology is called a post, and for
every job, no matter how menial it is, there is a pack of
materials which a person studies to learn or be hatted
on that post. For example, Kitchen In Charge is a post,
and only when a person has been hatted on that post
can he take over the job.
Anyway, she looked at her watch, you need to
be getting back on course. We walked back to the
center together. I looked at the lush vegetation surrounding the house.
I cant believe its the end of October, I said to
Aileen. Ive never seen so many beautiful flowers.
At home everything is brown this time of year. I
admired the bottlebrush bushes lining the sidewalk.
I guess we take it for granted, Aileen admitted.
I am usually so busy that I dont take time to notice.
Do you ever have time off? I asked her.
Well, we have personal time on Saturday morning.
Thats about all. But I dont mind the long hours. I
feel honored to be helping Ron. We have a planet to
clear, and thats a big job. And there may not be much

I read it over a second time but I still didnt understand what we were supposed to do. I decided to go up
and ask the Supervisor.
Excuse me, I approached her. I dont understand this drill. Can you explain it to me?
She looked at me with disapproval. What word
dont you understand? she asked coldly.
What word? I was puzzled.
Yes. According to the tech, if you dont understand something in the materials, then it means you
have gone past a word you didnt understand. You
need to find your word and look it up, and she handed
me a dictionary that had been sitting on the table.
I felt confused, but decided to take her advice. I
looked through the passage I had just read.
I looked at the word baited. Maybe that was it. I
turned to the Bs in the dictionary.
Bait, I looked through the definitions. 3. To
tease or goad, especially so as to provoke a reaction, I
read. That sounds right. I read the passage again. It
seemed to make a little more sense.
Just then the Supervisor called the dinner break. I
went over to Antonio who was still seated at his desk.
Well, how was course? Antonio smiled at me.
I heard you did TR 0 like a pro. That means youll
make an excellent auditor. He didnt give me a
chance to reply.
I suppose I should show you to your accomodations. He got up from the desk and led me to the
front door. We walked around the corner to a large
blue house directly behind the center.
This is our staff house, he explained as we approached the house. Youll be staying here until we
can find you permanent accomodations.
But how am I going to pay for it? I asked him.
And what about food. I dont have any more
money.
You can pay us back by becoming a top-notch
auditor, he smiled. Youll be eating with us in the
staff dining room. Come, Ill show you. First he
took me to a small room just off the hallway in the
front of the house. There were three beds in the room.
I think this one is unoccupied, Antonio said, pointing to the bed just inside the door. I put my suitcase
under the bed.
Now, lets go eat. We walked back to the dining
room where Aileen and six or seven other people were
already eating. Take a plate and help yourself, I
was told. The food was served family style. I hadnt
eaten on the plane, so was famished by this time. And

16

Flunk for Laughing! Start!

thing, arent you? And here I thought you liked me for

my mind, he continued, disgustedly. Some of the
students were beginning to smile.
Youre not interested in my mind at all, are you?
You just want my body. Thats it, isnt it? You just
want my body? Now he was leaning over to me with
his face next to mine.
I started to smile, losing my composure because of
my embarrassment. Flunk for smiling! Start! he
said loudly.
You just want my body, dont you, he repeated
this a few times. I tried desperately to control my
muscles.
Say, you know what, you look like a hippie. Just
look at those beads. He reached over and took hold
of my appleseed necklace.
You must be a hippie. A trippy hippie. Come on,
tell me the truth. Do you like to trip? Did you ever trip
and have sex? How do you like it? Sex, I mean. Are
you good in bed? Ill bet you are. You Michigan girls
are always good in bed. My eyes were tearing and I
was in excruciating pain. I blinked, and the tears
flowed down my face.
Flunk for blinking! Start! George said sternly.
Yeah, I know all about you Michigan girls. Say,
what kind of hairstyle is this? He reached over and
pulled my hair.
Ive seen better hairstyles at the zoo. And those
clothes.
Really, he said with mock sarcasm.
Couldnt you find something that fits? Or dont you
want to show off your body? Say, do you mind if I
look at your body? I was feeling humiliated. Even
more tears were flowing from my unblinking eyes. My
mouth started to twitch.
Flunk for twitching! Start!
So you have a button on your body? George continued. Well, well just have to work on that. What
dont you like about your body? Come on, you can tell
me. I just continued to stare.
You know, he went on, you could stand to lose
some weight. Just a little though. I dont like girls
who are too thin. But you have that country look. That
wholesome look. Are you wholesome? Ill bet you
are. Maybe youve never had sex. Maybe youre a
virgin. Hey, Ive never met a virgin before. I
decided that what I had to do was to look at one point
on his face and concentrate on that instead of on what
he was saying. I chose a spot in the middle of his
forehead. This seemed to make it a little easier. Suddenly he clapped his hands in front of my face. I
jumped. Flunk for moving! Start!
He clapped his hands again. I didnt move a muscle.
He leaned over and blew in my ear. Did you like
that? Did you? I could do it again. He leaned over

earth time to do it in.

I remembered the poster on the wall of the house in
Ann Arbor. Why? I asked her. Do you think
somethings going to happen?
We are the only organization on earth that can
prevent a nuclear disaster, Aileen replied. Ron says
we have about seven years to clear the planet. Thats
all the time we have. And if we fail, then thats it.
This planet will no longer exist.
But how can Scientology prevent a nuclear war?
I asked her.
By getting everyone on the planet clear. When
people no longer have their reactive minds, they will
no longer be interested in petty disputes over territory.
There will be no more war. But unless we succeed,
this world is doomed. Technology has advanced much
faster than mans ability to use that technology in a
sane way. Thats what happened on this planet
thousands of years ago. We tried to prevent a disaster
once before, but we failed. We cannot afford to fail
again.
I walked silently beside her, thinking about what she
said.
So there was civilization on the earth in the past
and it was destroyed by atom bombs? I asked her.
Yes, thousands of years ago. Before any recorded
history that people know about today. But youll find
out more about that in your auditing.
We arrived at the center. I went in and took my seat.
Thats it, the Supervisor called out. Start of
class!
I met George over by the chairs. Im not sure what
is meant by bull baiting, I told him.
Well just do it and youll see, he suggested.
We took the same chairs we had used that afternoon.
Get comfortable, he advised.
I relaxed in the chair and put my hands in my lap.
Start! George commanded.
I sat and again stared into his eyes. It seemed much
easier this time. I began to relax and enjoy the same
expansive sensation I had experienced earlier.
Suddenly George leaned forward.
I see what youre up to, he said to me slyly.
Youre trying to seduce me arent you? You just
think Im an easy lay.
I stared at him, not moving, not sure what to do.
I know you girls from Michigan, he continued,
his voice becoming louder. Some of the students at the
tables were looking in our direction.
Your reputation has preceded you. I know what
youre interested in. Its SEX, he said the last word
very loudly, his face very close to mine. My eyes were
beginning to tear.
I know all about you. Youre just interested in one

17

The Road to Xenu

Scientologist would be 1965.)

OK, continued the mellifluous voice on the tape.
What planet are we on? Earth? What in the world
are we doing on Earth? Laughter came from the
audience.
Hubbards voice had a hypnotic effect. He sounded
so confident, so certain of himself. Strong and confident. I continued to listen to his voice as he told
spellbinding stories about different things he had done
in his life. Anecdotes about his experiences in the
circus, as a seaman, as a photographer, as a pilot. It
seemed as if there wasnt anything he hadnt done.
After a while, I found it very difficult to follow his
train of thought. Some of the sentences didnt make
any sense, and I wondered what the point of the tape
was. But I found myself unable to stop listening.
There was something about Hubbards voice that was
compelling. Maybe just the fact that he sounded more
sure of himself than anyone I had ever heard before.
Even on tape he exuded the jovial confidence of a man
who had life firmly under control. Life is just a
game, he instructed his audience, not to be taken
seriously. Seriousness equals mass. Thats a new
way of looking at it, I mused.
The events of the day were beginning to catch up
with me. I found myself yawning. The Supervisor
came over to me.
Take off the headphones, she commanded with
her yet expressionless face. I complied immediately.
Find your MU, she said tersely.
My MU? I said with a tired voice.
Yes. Your misunderstood word. The only reason
a person yawns when studying is because of a misunderstood word. So youll have to find your word, then
go back earlier in the tape and listen to it again.
I think Im just tired, I looked up at her. Its
been a very long day.
Dont Q and A, she sounded annoyed. According to the tech the only reason a person yawns while
studying is because of an MU. The tech is never
wrong. So find your MU. Thats an order.
OK, I answered meekly. I went to find a dictionary. I also noticed a Scientology dictionary lying on
the table. I looked up the expression she had used: Q
and A.
Q and A, I read, means question and answer. It
means one did not get an answer to his question. It
also means not getting compliance with an order....
I rewound the tape, and started it up again. Did I
really have a misunderstood word? Couldnt I just be
tired? I wondered about her statement, The tech is
never wrong. Something bothered me about that, but
I wasnt sure what it was. I went back to listening to
my tape, trying to locate a word I hadnt understood.

toward me. I followed him with my eyes, but didnt

move.
Very good, Margery, very good. You are doing
very well. I think youll make a fine auditor. Thats it.
You pass TR 0 bullbaited.
I tried to relax my body. Strangely, now that I was
doing TR 0, I couldnt seem to stop it. No matter how
hard I tried, I couldnt seem to blink. My eyes felt like
they were coming out of my head. I still had the
high feeling I had during TR 0. I felt like I was
stoned.
George clapped me on the shoulder. Dont take it
personally, he advised me. Its just part of the drill.
Now its your turn to bullbait me.
I looked at him in shock. I cant do that, I looked
at him desperately.
Why not? he smiled. Its just part of the drill.
Everyone has to do it. It isnt anything personal.
I know, but I dont want to hurt your feelings.
Thats just the thing. There isnt anything personal
about it. Its just part of the training to be an auditor.
Youre actually doing me a favor by finding my buttons and flattening them. Go ahead. Just try it.
Start! He sat back and resumed his TR 0.
I swallowed. All right, mister, I started in. You
gave it to me and now Im going to give it right back to
you. Think you can take it? I noticed his eyebrow
move.
Flunk for moving your eyebrow. Start! I told
him.
Think you can take it? I repeated. What kind of
man are you anyway? How could you ask me all those
embarrassing questions? Those things are none of your
business. I just sat there, unable to go on. I started to
laugh. George, I told him, I just cant do this. Im
not used to it.
He relaxed and smiled. OK, I guess weve done
enough for one day. Your confront will come up. It
wont be long before you will be able to bullbait
anyone. But thats enough for now.
He shook my hand. Well finish the TRs tomorrow. You might like to listen to a tape of Hubbard for
the rest of the class tonight.
He showed me where the tapes were filed in a file
cabinet in the back of the room. He handed me a tape.
I plugged in the headphones, wound the tape leader
around the take-up reel and started the tape.
I heard a booming voice.
Welcome to the Saint Hill Special Briefing
Course, Hubbard intoned to his invisible audience.
Whats the year? pause, A.D. what? Someone
answers from the audience A.D. 15? (I later learned
that Scientologists number their years from the date
Dianetics was published. Therefore A.D. 15 to a

18

Soon, however, it was 10:30, and I heard, Thats it.

End of class. Lets gather around to report our wins.
There was the sound of chairs scraping against the
floor as everyone squeezed in around one table.
All right, the Supervisor stood stiffly in front of
us. Who had a win today?
I did, one of the students volunteered. I looked
over to a young, slim boy sitting across from me. I
was auditing a PC (preclear) today, and he totally
keyed out. I really cognited today that this really does
work, and I can actually help people. I just feel really
good about the tech, and Im grateful to Ron for giving
it to us.
The rest of the class applauded.
Yeah, another student joined in, I did a touch
assist today, and the pcs migraine headache blew.
This stuff is dynamite. More applause. My PC
finally ran past lives today, and she had a big win, a
third student volunteered. I cant wait to do more
sessions.
The supervisor interrupted. We have a new student
today. This is Margery, from Michigan. Would you
like to share your wins with us tonight? I realized
that everyone was looking at me expectantly.
Well, everything is all so new to me. Im not
really sure. I guess you could say I keyed out when I

Flunk for Laughing! Start!

did TR 0. I didnt think I would be able to do it, but

toward the end I felt like I could sit there forever. I felt
really good at the end, I volunteered, not wanting to
let them down. I felt relieved as they began to applaud.
I hadnt even had time to think about everything that
had happened during the day. When did this day
begin? I thought back, trying to remember. That
morning in Michigan seemed like an event from the
remote past.
A few other students shared their wins, then we
were dismissed. I walked back to the house looking up
at the bright stars in the western sky. Could it really be
possible that I was still living in the same world, and
these were the same stars shining that night in the
faraway Michigan skies? Already that world seemed
to be fading into the distant past. This was a different
world entirely. And I could feel myself already starting to become a different person.
Even now, walking back to the house, I felt like I
could almost touch the sky. The heady euphoria from
the TRs was still with me.
The Road to Total Freedom, I thought as I looked up
at the starry sky. I wonder where that road will lead
me?
If only I had known the answer to that question then,
I could have saved myself a twelve-year nightmare.

19

The Road to Xenu

Chapter 5

Do Fish Swim? Do Birds Fly?

commented. I didnt hear you come in during the

night.
He looked over and smiled. We cant be thinking
about sleep when there is a planet to clear, he said
moralistically. We can all catch up on sleep later.
Ron says that every minute of time is like a gold coin
that we have to spend. And how we spend them may
very well determine the fate of the earth. He looked
over at me challengingly, and I suddenly felt guilty for
being in bed.
What time is it anyway? I asked, not seeing a
clock anywhere in the room. Its about 0800, he
answered, using military time. Arent you supposed
to be on course?
Oh, no, Im late, I wailed. I grabbed my clothes
and ran to the bathroom down the hall. Within seconds
I was sprinting toward the center. No time for coffee
this morning. I just had a second to glance appreciatively at the warm morning sun, already high in the
sky.
I walked into the courseroom, and looked around for
George. He was busy giving a checkout to one of the
other students. As I looked in his direction, trying to
catch his attention, I heard a voice behind me.
Miss Wakefield, youre late. It was more accusation than observation. I turned around to look into the
steely eyes of the Course Supervisor. Im afraid
youll have to go to Ethics. She handed me a pink
sheet of paper on which she had written, Late for
class. To Ethics for handling.
Ethics? I looked at her for an explanation.
Ethics. There in the back. Youll see the sign on
the door. She pointed down the hallway to an office
in the back.
Obediently, I headed down the hall and knocked on
the half open door. On the door was a sign: Ethics.
Master at Arms.
Come in. The voice sounded like that of a child.
I peered into the room and saw a young teenage boy
seated at a desk behind an E-meter. Well, what is
it? he looked at me coolly.
I was late for course, I explained, handing him
the pink sheet. Im afraid I overslept. I was extremely exhausted last night.

I was in a strange city in which the buildings were

all a monotone shade of grey. I stood in the middle of
a wide street as hundreds of people ran past me, shouting at me and motioning for me to follow them. I
sensed danger. Everyone seemed to be running toward
an opening at the side of the street. It looked like the
entrance to a subway station. As I ran down into the
dark opening, a door closed heavily behind me.
In the darkness I saw people huddled together, some
crying, some silent. I understood suddenly that this
was a bomb shelter. I was in some city of the future.
The faces around me mirrored the terror I was feeling
inside. Suddenly I felt the impact of something hitting
the ground above us with tremendous force. The earth
was shaking violently. Several people near me were
screaming as panic began to spread. I knew there was
no hope. The earth shook crazily as all life above us
was destroyed.
I opened my eyes. Sunlight was streaming through
the front windows. Oh, I thought with relief, it was
just a dream. Then I realized that the earth really was
shaking. The pictures on the opposite wall were swaying back and forth against the wall. What in the
world? I said out loud. On the other side of the room,
a man with deep blue eyes and a dark suntan was
watching me with obvious interest. He was dressed in
a white uniform with gold braid hanging from the
shoulder. He sat on his cot, putting on his shoes.
Dont worry, its only a tremor. He seemed
oblivious to the shaking room. We get them all the
time.
I didnt say anything, but lay there clutching my
sheet and waiting for the shaking to stop. Finally, it
did.
Ive never felt anything like that before. I was
trying not to let my voice reflect the panic I was feeling. If thats just a tremor, Id hate to be in a real
one.
I looked curiously at my roommate. The room had
been empty when I came back from class last night. I
had fallen into an exhausted sleep, and did not remember anyone coming into the room during the night. The
third bed also looked like it had been slept in.
Sea Org members must not get much sleep, I

20

Do you have some counter-intention to being on

course? he looked at me accusingly.
Counter-intention? I asked.
He handed me a Scientology dictionary. Look it
up, he ordered.
I took the dictionary and turned quickly to the Cs.
Counter-intention, I read. A determination to follow a goal which is in direct conflict with those known
to be the goals of the group.
You need to locate your counter-intention that
caused you to be late for course, he said matter of
factly.
Well, I think it was just that no one woke me up. I
dont have an alarm clock. I would buy one but I spent
all my money on the course. I looked at him helplessly. Why was I feeling guilty?
Id like to indicate that you are in a condition of
Danger, he looked at me coldly.
Why was I feeling so defensive around this kid, I
wondered to myself. He couldnt be older than thirteen
or fourteen. Yet he had the demeanor of someone
much older. He spoke with the authority of an adult
accustomed to commanding others.
What is a condition of danger? I was feeling
more and more insecure.
Here, he said, handing me a set of papers in red
ink, stapled together, and titled, Conditions. Go
back in the courseroom and starrate this HCOB (I
guessed that HCOB stood for Hubbard Communications Office Bulletin, which was printed at the top of
the first page). When you have finished that, come
back and see me. And make sure you look up your
misunderstood words. He looked down at his work,
and I realized that I was dismissed.
I went back into the courseroom, and began to read
through the bulletin he had given me.

Do Fish Swim? Do Birds Fly?

not to ask.
Treason, I read next,
is defined as betrayal after trust. The formula for the
condition of treason is FIND OUT THAT YOU ARE.

I continued to read.
When a person is an avowed and knowing enemy of an
individual, a group, a project or organization, a condition of Enemy exists. The formula for the condition of
Enemy is just one step: FIND OUT WHO YOU
REALLY ARE.

The next formula was more complex.

When one cannot make up ones mind as to an individual, a group, organization or project a Condition of
Doubt exists. The formula is:
1. Inform oneself honestly of the actual intentions and
activities of that individual, group, project or organization brushing aside all bias and rumor.
2. Examine the statistics of the individual, group,
project or organization.
3. Decide on the basis of the greatest good for the
greatest number of dynamics whether or not it
should be attacked, harmed, suppressed or helped.

Then after one had examined the statistics of the

group one currently belonged to, one would,
Join or remain in or befriend the one which progresses
toward the greatest number of dynamics and announce it
publicly to both sides.

Dynamics. The word was being used in a new

and unfamiliar context. I picked up the Scientology
dictionary.
Dynamics, I quickly located the right page.
There could be said to be eight urges in life, I read.
These we call dynamics. These are motives or motivations. We call them the eight dynamics.
The first dynamic is the urge toward existence as
oneself. Here we have individuality expressed fully.
This can be called the self dynamic.
The second dynamic is the urge toward existence as a
sexual or bisexual activity.

Conditions. A condition is an operating state, and

oddly enough in the physical universe there are several
formulas connected with these operating states.

I blinked. Did I read that right? I looked again.

Yes, thats what it said.

Then there was a table of twelve Conditions, reading

from top to bottom: Power, Power Change, Affluence,
Normal Operation, Emergency, Danger, Nonexistence,
Liability, Doubt, Enemy, Treason, Confusion.
For each condition there was a formula. The formulas were to be applied one step at a time, I read,
until the entire formula is completed, at which time the
person may apply to be upgraded to the next higher
condition.
The formula for the condition of Confusion, the
lowest condition, was: FIND OUT WHERE YOU
ARE.
I wonder what that means, I thought. I looked
carefully through the sentence. I understood all the
words, yet it still didnt make any sense. But I decided

This dynamic actually has two divisions. Second

dynamic (a) is the sexual act itself and the second
dynamic (b) is the family unit, including the rearing of
children. This can be called the sex dynamic.
The third dynamic is the urge toward existence in
groups of individuals. The school, the society, the town,
the nation are each part of the third dynamic, and each
one is a third dynamic. This is also called the group
dynamic.
The fourth dynamic is the urge toward existence as
mankind. Whereas the white race would be considered
a third dynamic, all the races would be considered the
fourth dynamic. This can be called the mankind
dynamic.
The fifth dynamic is the urge toward existence of the
animal kingdom. This includes all living things whether

21

The Road to Xenu

animal or vegetable. The fish in the sea, the beasts of

the field or the forest, grass, trees, flowers, or anything
directly and intimately motivated by life. This could be
called the animal dynamic.
The sixth dynamic is the urge toward existence as the
physical universe. The physical universe is composed
of matter, energy, space and time. In Scientology we
take the first letter of these words and coin a word,
MEST. This can be called the universe dynamic.
The seventh dynamic is the urge toward existence as
or of spirits. Anything spiritual, with or without identity, would come under the heading of the seventh
dynamic. This could be called the spiritual dynamic.
The eighth is the urge toward existence as infinity.
This is also identified as the Supreme Being. It is
carefully observed here that the science of Scientology
does not intrude into the dynamic of the Supreme Being.
This can be called the infinity or God dynamic.

occur.

So what I have to do, I thought to myself, is simply

get someone to wake me up in the morning so that this
doesnt happen again. Thats easy enough. I read
through the Conditions bulletin again, trying to grasp
the material. According to the theory, if I successfully
apply the formula for the condition I am currently in,
which is Danger, then I should be able to move up to
the next higher condition. For me that would be Emergency. Part of the Emergency Formula had to do with
changing your operating basis. You have got to stiffen discipline or stiffen ethics because life itself is going
to discipline the individual. That meant that I was
going to have to become very disciplined about getting
to class on time, I realized. Well, thats no problem.
Once out of Emergency I would be safely in Normal
Operation.
I sighed. I didnt realize that oversleeping could be
so complicated. I would be sure not to do it again if I
could help it.
I finished reading the policy, then went over to
George and asked him to check me out. He did, and I
passed easily. Now I was ready to return to the young
dictator in Ethics.
He looked up as I entered. Did you apply the
correct formula? he asked stiffly.
I think so, I looked down at him awkwardly.
Mostly, I just have to find someone to wake me up
every morning.
Well make sure it doesnt happen again or youll
find yourself in Liability, he warned me. OK. You
can go back to course. He initialed the pink sheet and
handed it back to me. Take this back to your Course
Supervisor.
Let me ask you a question, I said. These conditions, what do you use them for? Are they just used
on the course?
He looked at me condescendingly. The Ethics conditions are one of the greatest gifts we have from Ron.
A Scientologist uses the conditions in every area of his
life. Every area. You can apply the conditions to
everything you do. If you think about it, no matter
what you do, you are always in one of the conditions.
The trick is to always know which one you are in and
then apply the correct formula. If you do that, you can
never lose.
Thanks, I offered him, grateful for such wisdom
from one so young. This was a different way of looking at life. I was going to have to give it some thought.
I was beginning to feel like I didnt know anything, and
that I had a lot to learn. Scientology was indeed complex.
I returned to course and handed the pink sheet to the
Supervisor. She nodded, and I returned to my seat.

I finished reading the lengthy explanation. So this is

a new way of categorizing and thinking about life, I
thought. All right, I can handle that. And I felt relief
to know that Scientology believed in God. (I was to
find out much more about that later in my Scientology
career.) I went back to reading about Conditions.
The next condition was Liability, for which the formula was:
1. Decide who are ones friends.
2. Deliver an effective blow to the enemies of the group
one has been pretending to be part of despite personal
danger.
3. Make up the damage one has done by personal contribution far beyond the ordinary demands of a group member.
4. Apply for re-entry of the group by asking the permission
of each member of it to rejoin and rejoining only by
majority permission.

The formula for Non-Existence was simpler:

1. Find a comm (communication) line.
2. Make yourself known.
3. Discover what is needed or wanted.
4. Do, produce and/or present it.

I wanted to yawn, but I looked warily at the Supervisor circling the tables, and decided to suppress it.
Next I read through the Danger Formula, the one
which apparently applied to me. The formula read:
1. By-pass habits or normal routines.
2. Handle the situation and any danger in it.
3. Assign self a danger condition.
4. Get in your own personal ethics by finding what you are
doing that is out-ethics and use self-discipline to correct
it and get honest and straight.
5. Reorganize your life so that the dangerous situation is
not continually happening to you.
6. Formulate and adopt firm policy that will hereafter
detect and prevent the same situation from continuing to

22

Ready for more TRs? I looked up to see George

standing beside me.
Sure, I replied, eager to progress on the course.
We went back over to the chairs in the back. To my
surprise he handed me a copy of the book Alice in
Wonderland. I opened the Training Routines bulletin
we had used the day before.

Do Fish Swim? Do Birds Fly?

used were: Do fish swim? and Do birds fly?

Do fish swim? I asked George, trying to maintain
my TR 0.
Well, Id rather talk about birds, he answered.
Then, following the directions in the bulletin, I said
to him gently, Ill repeat the auditing question. Do
fish swim?
Oh sure, they swim all the time, he answered.
Good, I acknowledged, feeling successful.
We practiced this drill and also the next one, TR 4,
which was the same except that in this one George was
allowed to be even more disruptive.
Do birds fly? I asked George. He pretended to be
angry and started to get up out of his chair.
This is stupid. Im getting out of here, he said as
he headed for the door.
Again, following the directions in the bulletin, I got
up and physically directed him back to his chair. I had
to get an answer to my question by any means. It was
up to me to maintain control of the situation.
Do birds fly? I asked him again.
Sure, they fly all the time, he responded agreeably.
Great! I delivered the acknowledgement with
gusto.
All right, pass on TR 4, George said approvingly.
That was fine. Now I was ready for the last four
TRs which were called the upper indoc (indoctrination) TRs. These TRs, George told me, were to
train me further to maintain control in a session.
In the first drill, I had to direct George around the
room using precise commands, and acknowledging him
for each action.
The commands to be used were:

Training Routine 1. Dear Alice.

Purpose: To train the student to deliver a command
newly and in a new unit of time to a preclear without
flinching or trying to overwhelm or using a via.
Commands: A phrase (with the he saids omitted) is
picked out of the book Alice in Wonderland and read to
the coach. It is repeated until the coach is satisfied it
arrived where he is.

All right, George looked at me brightly.

Start!
I opened the book and selected a phrase. Then I
looked at George and said to him clearly, Would you
tell me please why you are painting those roses? He
was doing TR 0 again, staring intently into my eyes
with his serene unblinking stare.
Good, he answered. Try another one.
OK. I turned to another page. Its my opinion
that you never think at all, I said, returning his stare.
Why did I feel like such a robot? Was this really the
way I was supposed to talk to people? It didnt feel
natural.
But I decided to just do the drills and ask questions
later. The problem was, later never came.
In the next drill, George read statements out of the
book, and I had to acknowledge what he said. An
acknowledgement, I read in the bulletin, is a
method of controlling preclear communication.
It wasnt very civil of you to sit down without
being invited, George repeated to me.
OK, I answered self consciously.
What you want to do in this drill, George instructed me, is to really duplicate what I say to you.
You should be able to repeat the phrase to me verbatim. Let your acknowledgement really tell me that
you heard me. Like this. Fine! All right! Thank
you! He modelled good acknowledgements for me. I
tried it again this time with more confidence.
I never saw such a house for getting in the way,
he said.
All right, I said firmly.
Good. Now what did I say? George quizzed me.
I never saw such a house for getting in the way, I
repeated.
After a few more practice rounds, we went on to the
next drill.
The next drill, TR 3, was supposed to teach me to
ask a question, get an answer and acknowledge the
answer in one unit of time. The questions to be

Look over at that wall. Thank you.

Walk over to that wall. Thank you.
Touch that wall. Thank you.
Turn around. Thank you.

We did this drill for twenty minutes, until I was

starting to feel dizzy. For some reason the repetitive
commands were making me sleepy.
In the following drill, the commands were the same,
but I had to physically guide George through the required motions. This one was easy, so we completed it
quickly.
The next TR was called Tone 40 on an object.
This was a curious drill. Tone 40, the Scientology
dictionary explained, was a positive postulate with no
counter-thought expected, anticipated or anything else,
that is, total control.
George sat beside me and put an ashtray in the chair
across from me. I read the instructions in the bulletin.
Taking the ashtray in my hands, I shouted in the
loudest possible voice, Stand up! Then I raised the

23

The Road to Xenu

You are making splendid progress, George complimented me. You will be auditing in no time.
I guess thats what its all about, right? I still had
a headache from all the yelling. I would have asked for
an aspirin, but I remember reading a list of rules on the
wall that said that any medication, including aspirin,
was strictly forbidden while on the course.
I headed next door for lunch. Curiouser and
curiouser, I thought, remembering a line from Alice
in Wonderland. For a moment I had the feeling that I
was on as strange a journey as the Alice in the book.
There was a surreal quality to the past two days.
Did I suspect, even for a minute, that the seemingly
innocuous TRs I was doing, supposedly to train me to
become a better auditor, were actually a series of extremely sophisticated hypnotic and control techniques
that would eventually lead me into a state of unthinking
obedience and robotic response?
That I was unwittingly, drill by drill, surrendering
my mind and my will to the whims of this bizarre
organization, an organization to which I would become
increasingly enslaved as the days and years passed by?
Is it possible that a sophisticated system of mind
control, masquerading as religion, does in fact exist in
this country outside the control and wisdom of the
courts and the laws of the land?
Was I being lured into spiritual, physical, emotional
and mental bondage without my knowledge or consent?
I had in fact, with complete innocence and trust, sold
myself into a subtle slavery, slavery from which I
would emerge years later raped of my mind, my emotions, my soul, my finances, and twelve years of my
life. Yet no laws existed to protect my freedom.
Psychological kidnapping is not illegal. Is it possible
for ones mind to be completely controlled by another?
The answer is yes.
During those sunny days in October, a part of me
was dying, my mind and my soul being sucked out by
the greedy vampire called Scientology. I was not to
exist as myself for another twelve years.

ashtray off the chair and held it in midair. Thank

you, I acknowledged the ashtray. Sit down on that
chair! I shouted, lowering the ashtray back to the
chair. Thank you! I shouted again.
Not loud enough, George looked at me. I dont
feel your total intention. Theoretically, if you do this
drill with complete Tone 40, the ashtray will rise by
itself off the table. When you give the commands, you
can have no other intention than the commands.
Youre still somewhat self-conscious.
He was right about that. I couldnt believe I was
sitting here yelling at an ashtray. But if I had to do it, I
was determined to do it well. So I yelled even louder.
Stand up! I screamed, raising the ashtray off the
table. Sit down on that chair! My voice was getting hoarse. I lowered the ashtray and looked at
George triumphantly. How was that?
If I had been that ashtray, I would have jumped off
the chair, he laughed. OK, pass.
The last TR, TR 9, was called Tone 40 on a Person, and was similar to the last drill except that I was
now to scream the commands at a person. I was to
deliver the commands with total Tone 40, giving the
other person no choice but to obey my command. I
could use physical means to guide him if necessary.
Walk over to that wall! I yelled at George.
He just stood there. I didnt feel Tone 40, he
said. Try it again.
Walk over to that wall! I screamed, my face red
with effort. I guided him with my hands. He moved
over to the wall.
Thank you! I acknowledged him.
Turn around! I screamed. I tried to channel my
complete concentration into the command. He turned
around.
Thank you! I was getting a headache.
Sit down in that chair! I screamed again, my
voice getting raspy. Thank you!
We continued for a few more commands, then
George mercifully gave me a pass on the drill.
We were just in time for lunch.

24

Chapter 6

On a Clear Night You Can See Forever

Ethics? Why? The thought of a return visit to the

teenage fuehrer in the Ethics office was intimidating.
Because in Scientology there is a saying, Sickness
equals PTS, Antonio answered seriously. Potential
Trouble Source, he added seeing my confused look.
It means you might be PTS, or connected to an SP
Suppressive Person, he added quickly. Usually
people only get sick when they are connected in some
way to a Suppressive. And its the job of Ethics to help
you spot the SP. That, and some Dianetic auditing
should handle it.
Ill tell you what, he added, seeing my discouraged look, let me talk with the Course Supervisor
and Ill see if I can give you an assist. Wait here. A
few minutes later he was back. Come with me, he
said. He led me to one of the offices in the back and
closed the door. Well do a touch assist and see if it
helps. He pulled a chair into the center of the room
and indicated for me to sit there.
OK, now Im just going to give you a command,
and I want you to acknowledge me each time I repeat
the command. Ready?
Sure, I answered, not knowing what to expect.
All right. Here we go. He pressed his finger on
my forehead. Feel my finger? he asked gently.
Yeah, I responded.
Then he pressed his finger into my right temple.
Feel my finger?
Um-hm, I answered.
Then I felt his finger on my cheek.
Feel my finger?
Yes.
He continued, exerting pressure with his finger at
various locations of my body. There seemed to be a
pattern to the way he was working. With each pressure
he asked the same question.
This continued for at least a half an hour. I wondered what the effect of this was supposed to be. But I
found myself becoming curiously relaxed, feeling little
shivers of energy up and down my spine like one
would feel with a good back rub.
As he continued I became more and more drowsy.
At one point I actually dozed off into much needed
sleep. As I jerked back awake to keep from falling,

I heard the familiar knock on the door. 0700.

Time to get up. I opened my eyes and felt a sharp
pain on the top of my head. Oh, no, I thought, knowing what was coming. I pulled myself unwillingly to a
sitting position, feeling the familiar nausea that swept
through me as the pain in my head intensified. A
migraine.
Groggily, I headed for the bathroom. Maybe a cool
shower would help. But I knew from past history that I
was in for a rough day.
There had been a dreamlike quality to the past few
days. Saving the world, I thought, was a tough job. I
had been on course for three days now. For some
reason, I had taken it for granted that the center would
be closed on Sunday.
I had been looking forward for a break from the
intense course schedule: 8:00 AM until 10:30 PM with
two short breaks and an hour for lunch. Then, invariably, at 11:00 PM, after the class muster where we
shared our wins, there would be an all hands
called, usually to assemble a mailing, and it would last
until 1:00 AM or later.
When Sunday arrived, I was surprised to hear the
usual knock at my door. Sunday to Scientologists, I
discovered, was just another day in the week. And to
make things worse, last night there had been an unusually long all hands to mail out the monthly newsletter.
I stood over the basin, waiting for the world to stop
spinning. I wonder what they do in Scientology when
you get sick? I had already surmised from some of the
materials on the course that medicine was frowned
upon except as a last resort, and after the superior
remedies in Scientology had been applied. Antonio,
I held my throbbing head in both hands as I looked
down at my friend seated at his desk, What does a
Scientologist do for pain?
Why? Whats wrong? he looked up, concerned.
A migraine. Ive had them before. I think its
from lack of sleep. Do you think maybe I could be
excused from course for one day?
Well, to do that you would have to go through
Ethics, he looked at me with narrowed eyes. It
would probably be better to try and stay on course.

25

The Road to Xenu

the better. Scientology can and does increase human

intelligence. And Scientology can do other things. It is
a science of life and it works. It adequately handles the
basic rules of life and it brings order into chaos.

Antonio just continued the curious process.

I could feel my muscles relaxing in response to the
contact from his finger. The energy was now flowing
throughout my whole body. After what must have
been at least an hour, he stopped suddenly and drew
back. Well, how do you feel? he asked.
I dont believe it. I feel great. The headache is
gone. I cant believe you got rid of my migraine.
Usually they last for at least two days. I was
genuinely surprised. I could still feel the shivers all
over my body.
Thats good, Antonio said modestly. Im glad
it helped. And it probably saved you an unnecessary
trip to Ethics. He looked at me and chuckled. Now
you need to go back on course while I write this up as a
session.
Thanks, I said gratefully as I opened the door.
I retrieved my study pack and took my usual seat.
As I resumed my study I realized that the nausea and
grogginess were gone. I even felt rested. Strange, I
thought. Amazing.
I opened my pack.
Auditors, I read the green ink of the next policy
letter on my checksheet,

On another page I read,

In all the broad universe there is no other hope for
Man than ourselves.

I kept reading.
Let us face the reality of this thing. The world confronts several crises. Mans inhumanity to man is gaining monuments daily. The time to bring a chaos under
control is before it is well begun. Were slightly late as
it is. Brutally, there is no other organization on Earth
that can slow these down. Factually there is no other
know-how on Earth that can plumb the problems of
Man. So if we dont want all of us to be sitting amongst
the charred embers, we had better get busy.
This is no alarmist statement you know. We are the
people who can confront it. Past civilizations have
vanished, you see. The Chaldean, Babylonian, Egyptian, Chinese, Hindu, Greek, Roman, European they did
vanish. Those little beaten down peasants you see in
France were once the proud Romans. Those small
brown men who sell their sisters on the streets of Cairo
were once the mighty Egyptians. And it was when those
societies looked richest that they had already started
down. Like this one.
They all failed because they had no know-how about
Man. Wisdom, real wisdom, could have salvaged any
one of them. Wisdom can salvage this one. Scientology
can smooth the way. But Scientology hasnt a chance
unless we get groups going. You ... can do this.

have since the first session of Scientology been the

only individuals on this planet in this universe capable
of freeing Man.
At times some will forget or choose to ignore the fact
that the auditor is not just another fellow or a guy who
works in Scientology. An auditor is a highly trained
specialist, no matter what level of auditor. He or she is
the only one who can give Man the truth. An auditor is
very important in clearing the planet, and this universe.
All auditors are appreciated.

I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was another girl on

the course named Ellie. I need someone to do TR 0,
she looked at me hopefully. Do you have time to do
it?
Sure, I agreed.
Its not like Im going
anywhere.
We spent the rest of the morning staring blissfully
into each others eyes. I experienced the same sensations as I had the first time I did TR 0 with George.
When the Supervisor called lunch break, I was again
feeling the expansive serenity and blissed-out timelessness I had before. And by the looks of it, so was Ellie.
Thats it! Lunch break!
I reluctantly came back to earth and shook myself
back into more-or-less normal consciousness. As I
walked back to the house for lunch, I noticed that the
colors once again looked unusually bright. I felt a
soaring hopefulness inside. Oh, Aileen, I enthused,
as I took my place at the table, Im so happy to be in
Scientology. I just want everyone to know about it.
Do you know what I mean?
Yes, dear, Aileen gazed at me fondly. And Ive
been meaning to talk to you. Antonio and I have been
talking and wed like you to consider joining us in the
Sea Org. Thats the most effective way to make a

I knew that Antonio was a Class 8 auditor, meaning

that he had done the highest training level in Scientology. At that time, being a Class 8 was similar to
having a Ph.D. in any other subject.
After my experience this morning, I was more ready
to believe that maybe what Hubbard was saying in this
policy was true. I smiled to myself. It was reassuring
to know that Antonio was my friend. From the beginning he had taken a fatherly interest in me. And we
shared a common interest in the piano. Antonio, I soon
discovered, was a brilliant concert pianist. I continued
on in my reading.
Scientology is a science of life. It is the first entirely
Western effort to understand life. All earlier efforts
came from Asia or Eastern Europe. And they failed.
None of them gave greater security. None of them
could change human behavior for the better. None of
them and they bragged about it could change human
intelligence. Scientology is something new under the
sun, but young as it is, it is still the only completely and
thoroughly tested and validated science of existence.
Scientology can and does change human behavior for

26

On a Clear Night You Can See Forever

we have about us. Perhaps it would be better to start all

over and make another one. I do not happen to think so.
I think that we can and will continue to create this
civilization and continue to bring Man through despite
his folly. We know how and we can do it. It is up to us.
It is up to you and only then we can say with honesty
that it is up to Man.
Later on, if we make it, what will be your answer to
this question: Did you help?

difference in this world. Well talk about it later.

She and Antonio traded glances.
The Sea Org, I thought excitedly. I had heard
many stories in the past few days about the adventures
to be had as a part of the most elite group in Scientology. I had noticed a poster on the wall at the center.
There was the picture of a large ship with many smiling faces waving from the deck. Be the elite of
planet Earth, the cream of the cream. Join the Sea
Org. Why not? I thought, as I served myself some
vegetables. What do I have to lose? It would be an
adventure.
I was still lost in fantasy when the Supervisor called
Thats it! to start the afternoon session. I turned
back to my study pack and determined to keep my
mind on what I was reading.

I sat there for a few minutes, lost in thought. I

thought back to my life at the university. What was I
doing, I wondered. Where was I going? Was there any
purpose to my life? The answer was no. Here was
something important that I could do to make a difference in the world. What was my dream before?
Becoming a music teacher? But here I could help save
the world from a possible nuclear disaster. Which was
more important?
The answer was already in my mind. It was not a
choice. Music could wait. The decision was made. I
would join the Sea Org!
I couldnt wait for the break so I could tell Antonio
and Aileen. I knew they would be happy. For me it
would almost be like having a family. Antonio and
Aileen were already closer to me than my real parents
had been. They were my spiritual parents. I felt happy
and secure. Joining the Sea Org would be like joining
a family. Signing the papers would just be a formality.
Because the reality was, that in my soul, I already was
a part of the family. I belonged.
Thats it! Break! Fifteen minutes! The usual
sounds of chairs scraping the floor as everyone headed
outside.
Antonio, I approached him with a smile. Ive
decided. Im joining the Sea Org!
Thats wonderful, he was sincere. Lets go
share the good news with Aileen. We headed toward
the office in the back.
Aileen looked up with surprise. Aileen, I said
breathlessly, Im joining. I want to join the Sea Org.
I want to help.
Aileen clapped her hands and came over and hugged
me. My dear, thats wonderful, she said warmly.
And I guarantee that you will never be sorry. You
have made a very good decision. And were delighted
to have you. Antonio and I were both hoping that you
would come to this decision, but we didnt think it
would be so soon! Congratulations!
So what do I have to do to join? I asked eagerly.
Well, there are just a few things we have to take
care of. Aileen pulled some papers from her desk.
We have to go over this questionnaire just to make
sure that you dont have any incomplete cycles
anywhere out in the world. And she started asking
me questions.

We are the only people and the only organization on

Earth which have the technology and the ambition to
attempt a clarification of situations which in other hands
are considered entirely out of control, to wit, the atomic
bomb and the decay and confusion of societies.

I turned another page.

Scientology is today around the world, represented on
every continent on Earth. As you read this, this very
book is being translated into many non-English tongues
and is being distributed to nations whose thronging
multi-millions have never before been touched by
Anglo-American thought.
The use or neglect of this material may well determine
the use or neglect of the atomic bomb by Man. Scientology is already winning in this field. In the same
period in history, two of the most sweeping forces Man
has known have come to fruition: a knowledge of himself and others with Scientology, and a means of
destroying himself and all others by atomic fission.
Which force wins depends in a large measure on your
use of Scientology.
There is not much Earth time. We must work.
The mission of Scientology is not conquest it is
civilization. It is a war upon stupidity, the stupidity
which leads us toward the Last War of All.
With Scientology man can prevent insanity,
criminality and war. It is for man to use. It is for the
betterment of man. The primary race of Earth is not
between one nation and another today. The only race
that matters at this moment is the one being run between
Scientology and the atomic bomb. The history of man,
as has been said by well-known authorities, may well
depend upon which one wins.

I turned another page and continued to read.

Where Earth pursues her gentle way in her orbit about
the sun today there will be a black orb seared, scorched
and defaced with ruin, its air polluted with radiation, its
surface gouged by pocks, the skeletons of its cities
standing black and ruined against a sun which was allowed to set upon the Anglo-American civilization. Perhaps there are other planets, perhaps there will be other
times, but here we are right now, our urgings and our
strivings ought to carry forward the civilization which

27

The Road to Xenu

Did I have any debts? No, I answered truthfully.

Any legal problems? No.
Would anyone in my family oppose my decision? I
thought about my parents. They might not be happy
about this latest turn of events, but I knew they would
never try to prevent me from doing something I really
wanted to do. No, I said to Aileen.
Did I own any property? Did I have children? No.
No.
Was there anything at all that would interfere with
me becoming a full time Scientology staff person? No,
none whatever, I said, brimming with eagerness.
Well, all right, everything seems to be fine. Aileen
signed the questionnaire and pulled out another paper
from her desk.
Are you ready to sign your contract? she smiled
at me proudly as she handed me the official looking
form printed on white bond legal paper. At the top was
the Sea Org symbol of two olive branches surrounding
a star, printed in gold. Then in very large letters: Flag
Service Org, SEA ORGANIZATION, Contract of
Employment.
Beneath that were two seahorses printed in gold
flanking a paragraph which read:

thought this far into the future before. Im not used to

thinking in terms of a billion years. You dont have
any shorter contracts? Like maybe just a few thousand
years for a start?
Neither Antonio nor Aileen smiled. At the regular
Orgs, Antonio explained, like the L.A. Org, there
are shorter contracts. You can sign up for either two
and a half or five years. But in the Sea Org theres just
one contract. This is it.
I sat silently for a minute, then slowly picked up the
pen on the desk. Well, here goes, I signed on the
blue line. I tried to comprehend a billion years, but my
mind got lost after the first few million. Im in.
Splendid, Aileen signed her name on the line
below. Then Antonio signed as the second witness.
Its official, Aileen gave a satisfied sigh. Welcome to the Sea Org, dear. Were glad to have you
aboard. Antonio shook my hand. Lets all go have
lunch, he suggested. At a real restaurant. To
celebrate.
It was hard to think clearly that afternoon, my mind
trying to comprehend the enormity of the contract I had
just signed. A week ago, I realized with a shock of
surprise, I was sitting in class in Ann Arbor worried
about my grades. For a minute I wondered if maybe I
had died and progressed to an entirely new life. That
couldnt possibly be any stranger than my life now.
Aileen had given me a packet of materials to read, to
begin the indoctrination process into the Sea Org. I
turned to the page on top.
YOUR POST, it was titled.

I, ___________________, DO HEREBY AGREE to

enter into employment with the SEA ORGANIZATION
and, being of sound mind, do fully realize and agree to
abide by its purpose which is to get ETHICS IN on this
PLANET AND UNIVERSE and, fully and without
reservation, subscribe to the discipline, mores and conditions of this group and pledge to abide by them.
THEREFORE, I CONTRACT MYSELF TO THE
SEA ORGANIZATION FOR THE NEXT BILLION
YEARS.

A post in a Scientology organization isnt a job. Its a

trust and a crusade.
Were free men and women probably the last free men
and women on Earth. Remember, well have to come
back to Earth some day no matter what happens to us.
If we dont do a good job now we may never get
another chance.
Yes, Im sure thats the way it is.
So we have an organization, we have a field we must
support, we have a chance.
Thats more than we had last time nights curtain
began to fall on freedom.
So were using that chance.
An organization such as ours is our best chance to get
the most done. So were doing it!!
Signed, L. Ron Hubbard.

Then there were lines for signatures.

I looked at it again. I wasnt seeing things. I looked
up at Antonio and Aileen, perplexed.
A billion years? I asked. Why a billion years?
Antonio looked across at Aileen. Thats because
Ron thinks it will take at least that long to clear the
entire universe. After this planet is clear, there are
hundreds of thousands of other planets to clear as well.
He just wants to be sure that your loyalty is certain. If
youre not ready to commit to a billion years, then
youre probably not ready to join the Sea Org, he
looked at me seriously.
I think what it is also, Aileen interrupted, is that
being a Sea Org member is not an easy life. There can
be some tough times. If youre not with us 100%, if
youre not ready to make a life and death commitment,
then you wont succeed as a Sea Org member. This is
a big decision.
I swallowed. I thought again about Michigan and
school. I thought about my family.
Well, I said, starting to laugh, Ive never

Just before dinner break, there was a surprise announcement by the Supervisor. There will be no
class tonight, she said, giving no explanation. Class
dismissed.
Antonio came up to me as I was packing up my
things. Why dont you come over for dinner, he
invited. We have a surprise for you tonight.
And youre not going to tell me what it is, right?
I looked at him mischieviously.

28

On a Clear Night You Can See Forever

they can create in a safe space.

I was about to ask her another question when Antonio interrupted. Time to be off, he announced.
Then we headed back through the park.
We reached Celebrity Center just as it was beginning
to get dark. A crowd of people was thronging outside
the center, slowly making their way inside. CLEAR
NIGHT, I read the sign on the door. ONLY
CLEARS AND ABOVE CAN ENTER.
I looked at Antonio questioningly. Youre with
us, he assured me. No one will ask any questions.
Just act as if you belong.
Aileen had already disappeared into the crowd. Antonio maneuvered over to the far wall where there was
more space. There was a ledge against the wall. I
quickly climbed up. I would have a good view of the
stage.
The curtain behind the classroom had been pulled
back to reveal a wide stage and a large open area in
which chairs had been set up. Most of the chairs were
already filled. A large picture of Hubbard hung on the
curtain behind the stage.
I looked around the room. Most of the people
seemed to be young, in their twenties or thirties. Many
of them were wearing unconventional clothing, colorful and artsy. There was a feeling of subdued excitement in the air. There was a murmur of voices as
people made their way to their seats and exchanged
greetings with friends.
The air was warm and close in the room. There was
the humid sensation of too many bodies in the room. I
wiped beads of perspiration from my forehead. Suddenly Aileen appeared on the stage. She was greeted
with riotous applause. Her popularity was very evident. The clapping went on for a long time. Finally
the noise died down.
Welcome to Clear Night, Aileen greeted the
audience. We have some exciting surprises for you
tonight which I know you will enjoy. I am so delighted
to see you all and so happy that each one of you could
be with us tonight. This is going to be a very special
night.
Now the first thing we are going to do tonight is to
introduce our new Clears, everyone who has gone
Clear since our last Clear night. And here to introduce
them is our special guest, John McMaster!
There were gasps in the audience. John McMaster
was the revered saint of Scientology, the first Clear.
His name was well known to everyone in Scientology.
As he entered, a slim figure in a white turtleneck
sweater and dark suit, complimenting his clear complexion and pearly white hair, the audience stood of
one accord to their feet and began a rhythmical applause. Shouts rose from the audience.

Im afraid youre just going to have to wait, his

eyes were twinkling. I walked across Alvarado Park
with Antonio and Aileen. I was appalled to find that
the beautiful park was populated by hundreds of alcoholics, many sleeping on benches or sprawled on the
ground.
Antonio and Aileen shared a small apartment on the
other side of the park. As we entered I was surprised to
see a concert size grand piano in the living room. Oh,
Antonio, I begged, play something.
Just for a few minutes, Antonio obliged. We
have plans tonight and we dont want to be late. He
sat down and began to play a Scarlatti sonata. I had
never heard Scarlatti played so lightly and effervescently.
Thats wonderful, I enthused when he had
finished. It sparkles. Please, play some more.
Antonio started into a piece that I wasnt familiar
with. It sounded like Liszt, but it was a piece I hadnt
heard before. It sounded like a dance, I thought, as
Antonio played effortlessly through the complex and
brilliant passages. Oh, that was wonderful. I was
enthralled by his playing. I just want to stay and
listen to you play all night. We dont have to go out,
I pleaded.
Oh, yes, we do, Antonio laughed. By the way,
anytime you want to come over here in your free time
and use the piano youre welcome to. Julie told us that
youre a very accomplished pianist yourself. Next time
you come over, when we have more time, well listen
to you play too.
It can wait, I laughed. Theres no way I would
play now after what I just heard.
We had a pleasant dinner in the tiny kitchen. Antonio was entertaining, and told funny stories about
recent happenings at the center. After dinner I helped
Aileen with the dishes and asked her about her life
before she joined Scientology.
It turned out that Aileen was from Australia where
she had been a schoolteacher before being introduced
to Scientology by a friend. She had joined the Sea Org
immediately, almost the way you have, she said, as
she looked at me fondly. She spent several years with
Ron on the ship, serving as one of his closest assistants.
What is he really like? I asked her eagerly.
Oh, hes just the most wonderful man you could
imagine, she looked at me wistfully. I hope you
have a chance to meet him someday. He is very
powerful. When you are near him, you can just feel the
power he exudes. And he is so caring. He really cares
about all of us. It was his idea to start Celebrity Center. He believes that artists are special, and that they
should have their own center. A protected place where

29

The Road to Xenu

John McMaster read off the name of the next new

Clear, Nancy Stephenson. A young girl walked
gracefully up to him to receive her certificate. She
took the mike from him and looked shyly at the
audience.
I have been in Scientology for almost a decade,
she said softly in a European accent. It has been my
privilege to work with Ron at Saint Hill and also on the
ship. I knew when I found Scientology that I had
found my new family. And I have seen miracles
through the tech like you all have. I cant really express how it feels to be Clear. I guess if you were to
imagine the best that you ever felt in your life, then you
would have to imagine something ten times that good
and you would have an idea of Clear. Now that Im
Clear I just want to work to bring this miraculous tech
to the rest of the planet.
More applause.
Several more Clear completions made their way to
the stage to get their certificates. The speeches became
increasingly more fantastic. One man, who looked to
be in his thirties, told of the experiences he was having
with exteriorization.
You wont believe this, he told the spellbound
audience, but after I put the body to bed at night, I let
the body go to sleep, then I slip out and I can go
anywhere on the planet I want to. Last night I dove
through the waves in the Bahamas. I went over to
London and amused myself for awhile. Then I took off
into space and travelled to several planets far from
earth. You wont believe it until you do this for yourself. All I can tell you is that the tech is there. Ron has
laid it all out for us. All we have to do is walk the road
he has given us. This really is the road to total
freedom. He retired to the sound of wild applause.
There were more incredible stories. One man spoke
of leaving his body at night and of preventing a murder
in a nearby room. He was able to telepathically disarm
the killer and frighten him from the scene. Another
person told about moving the clouds and making changes in the weather over the city.
And yet another Clear reported that he was able to
bring about a triple expansion in his business by using
the power of his postulates. At the end of the speeches Aileen came to the stage.
And now, she turned to the large portrait of Hubbard on the curtain serving as a backdrop to the stage,
lets give honor to the man who has made this all
possible, L. Ron Hubbard.
Instantly, everyone in the audience rose to their feet.
Hip, hip, hooray! they shouted, raising their right
arms into the air on the last syllable.
Hip, hip, hooray! saluting the larger than lifesized
picture of Ron.

Again, it took minutes for the applause to die down.

John McMaster began to speak in a soft and gentle,
yet compelling voice. Everyone strained to hear each
word. He greeted everyone, then began to speak about
the ship where Ron was, where he had just come from.
Ron sends all his love and his best postulates to all of
you, he said. He wants you to know that he is very
proud of what you are all doing to expedite the spread
of Scientology across the globe. As artists you each
have a vital function in this work, and as artists you
have many unique opportunities to share this wonderful
knowledge with those in the world who are ready to
receive it. And Ron wants you to know that he appreciates what each and every one of you is doing to
make this world a better place for everyone, and a safe
space in which all men, including artists, can be free to
live and to create. And he wanted me to tell you that
he loves you all.
As he paused, a cheer went up from the audience.
Then there was more applause.
McMaster continued with stories about life aboard
the ship, and with recent wins that Scientology was
having all over the world. It is only a matter of time
until we will achieve a Clear planet, on which to create
our New Civilization. Then the aims which Hubbard
laid out at the beginning of this great journey will be
achieved for all mankind. A world free of illness, insanity, and war. A brave New Civilization where man
is free to achieve his dreams. A world which we can
proudly pass on to our children, knowing that the
nightmares of the past will be dreamt no more.
He paused again for applause.
And now, he continued, what you have all been
waiting for. We have the list of all those who have
become Clear in the past month. Aileen and I will read
them off one by one, and they can come forward to
receive their certificates. Here we go.
Aileen came up to the mike. And the first Clear
is, she paused for effect, Michael Ryan.
A young man in the first row bounded up on the
stage. Aileen handed him his certificate and hugged
him. She handed him the microphone.
Wow, you guys, he addressed the audience.
Im telling you, you have all got to do this. This is
the most far out experience you can imagine. I knew it
would be good, but its even more than I ever imagined. I am so keyed-out. I feel like I am sitting on
top of this planet. And I know that nothing, nothing is
going to get me at effect ever again. He turned to the
picture of Hubbard.
Thanks, Ron, for this incredible gift. He handed
the mike back to Aileen and bounded back into the
audience. The audience greeted him with cheers and
more rhythmic applause.

30

On a Clear Night You Can See Forever

hypnotic effect on the audience, close your eyes and

locate an upper corner of the room behind you. There
was silence.
Now locate the other upper corner behind you.
All right, hold on to these two corners and dont
think.
Now find the third corner behind you.
Now find the fourth back corner.
Now hold on to all eight corners of the room. Sit
back and dont think. There was a long period of
silence. I was trying to follow the commands, concentrating mentally on the corners of the room. I
wanted to ask someone some questions about what we
were doing, but I knew this wasnt the time to ask.
Now, Aileens voice sounded brighter, find
someone near you and tell them something about themselves that you like.
There was noise in the room as everyone followed
the command.
I looked at Antonio. I really like your piano playing, I told him.
And I like your enthusiasm, he smiled back at
me.
Now, find someone else in the room and tell them
something that you like about them.
More noise as the audience complied.
Stay here, Antonio commanded me. I have to
go up front. He disappeared into the crowd in the
back of the room.
The air in the room was stifling, I thought. Im glad
Im not claustrophobic. The humidity was intense and
the temperature was rising from the closeness of so
many bodies packed into the room.
Aileen ended the group processing and called Antonio up onto the stage. He was greeted with enthusiastic applause.
He sat down at the piano. He played a few Scarlatti
pieces, obviously I thought, a specialty of his. Then he
played some Chopin pieces, some preludes and a
Mazurka.
Then he stopped, and waited for silence from the
audience.
He turned to the audience. Space music, he announced with a smile. He looked back at me and
winked.
Then he started to improvise. I just sat back and
enjoyed the music. It was music that was unlike any I
had ever heard before. It was pure sound. It was easy
to let my mind wander and visualize scenes in distant
space, mysterious planets, the milky hazy of galaxies,
shooting stars hurtling through space. I listened admiringly to the impressionistic sounds he was getting from
the piano, wondering how he was able to create such
effects. Far too soon, the music was over.

Hip, hip, hooray! they shouted again, then broke

into wild applause.
I looked back at Antonio. Is this for real? I asked
him.
Yes, he smiled, its for real.
Aileen was signalling for quiet.
Now, she smiled serenely at the audience, we
are going to have some group processing. And after
that, a special surprise. Antonio is going to entertain us
with some special music.
The crowd was quieting down.
Now, were going to start with some havingness
processing.
I turned around to Antonio, about to ask him a question, but he motioned for me to be silent.
OK, Aileen began, Spot a spot in the room.
Silence.
Spot a spot? I wondered if I was missing something.
Just spot a spot? How do you do that?
Everyone in the audience was silent. I guess, I
thought, you just pick a place in the space in the room
and concentrate on it. So I tried it. Nothing happened.
Now, Aileen gave the next command, spot
another spot in the room. More silence.
Now spot a spot on the floor. Heads looked
down at the floor.
Spot a spot on the front wall. More silence.
She continued to give commands. The audience was
silent, obeying her commands.
Now, without turning around, spot a spot on the
back wall.
Now, spot a spot in your body.
Spot another spot in your body.
Spot another spot in the room.
This went on for several minutes. There was no
sound from the audience. Then Aileen changed the
commands.
Now we are going to take a tour of the universe,
she announced. Here are your commands.
First, be near the Earth. As before, the audience
silently followed her commands.
OK, now be near the moon. Several seconds of
silence.
Be near the sun. Silence.
Be near the moon. Silence.
Now find a rock. Silence.
Be inside of it. Silence.
Be outside of it. The commands continued.
Be in the center of the earth.
Be near Mars.
Be at the center of Mars.
Be on the surface of Mars.
She gave similar commands with other planets.
Now, she continued, in a voice that was having a

31

The Road to Xenu

The audience jumped to their feet, calling Antonio

back for several curtain calls.
Aileen came back out on stage with Antonio and
once more she turned to the picture of Ron on the back
wall. The audience was once more clapping rhythmically.
Hip, hip, hooray! they shouted once more with
wild applause.
Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!
The clapping went on for a long, long time. I
glanced down at my watch. It was nearly midnight.
Antonio reappeared at my side.
Well, he teased me, how did you like it?

Oh, Antonio, this was really great. I loved your

playing. Especially the space music. I wanted to listen
to you all night.
People were beginning to filter out the narrow doorway.
I said goodbye to Antonio and walked back to the
house.
Whatever the priorities had been in my life just
hours ago, they were now replaced with a single driving ambition against which all other goals dwarfed in
importance.
I looked up at the stars in the bright western sky.
Only one thing was important now.
I wanted to be a Clear!

32

Chapter 7

The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.

I had the idea, I was thinking out loud, from

listening to people talk around the center that an ARC
break meant that you were upset with someone.
Exactly. If you are in ARC with someone, then
you have high affinity with them, in other words you
like them a lot. You have high reality with them in that
you both have a high level of agreement about most
things. And you are able to communicate well because
of your shared affinity and reality.
Look, think of ARC as a triangle with three points
for affinity, reality and communication. All three
together add up into understanding. Now if any point
of the triangle becomes affected, it will in turn affect
the other two points.
So, I was beginning to understand, if you disagree with someone about something, which would be
a lowering of the reality part of the triangle, then there
would be less affinity between you and it would be
more difficult to communicate.
Exactly, Kim said. And as a result there would
be less overall understanding between you. Thats exactly how it works.
And if you decided to stop talking to someone,
then you would have less affinity for them and there
would be less shared reality between you. And if you
had less affinity for someone, say maybe they moved
away to a different town, then there would be less communication between you and there would be less
shared reality. OK, I think Ive got it! I felt triumphant.
Now, are there any other words in the definition
that you didnt understand? Kim asked.
Yes, I looked back at the definition, PTPs. I
turned to the Ps in the dictionary.

Miss Wakefield.
I was startled. I looked up from the policy letter I
had been engrossed in to find the Course Supervisor
standing beside me. At her side was a slim girl with
thick red hair.
This is Kim. She is looking for a PC (preclear).
Ive looked in your folder and you are eligible for
Dianetic auditing.
Great! I was anxious to get started on the road to
Clear. Part of being a student on the Dianetics course
meant that in addition to auditing others (3 successful
sessions were required to complete the course), the student would also receive auditing from another student.
This was my chance! We walked to Kims small apartment several blocks away, exchanging small talk on the
way.
At the apartment, Kims E-meter was already set up
at a table in the living room.
Have a seat, Kim offered. She sat down and
began to adjust the E-meter in preparation for the session.
Pick up the cans, please, she instructed, as she
continued to adjust the meter.
First were going to check your rudiments, she
informed me. I looked at her blankly.
Here, she handed me the Scientology dictionary.
A rudiment, I read, is that which is used to get
the PC in shape to be audited. Rudiments, the dictionary explained, consisted of ARC breaks, PTPs, or
W/Hs.
I groaned. Why is it, I complained to her, that
when I read these definitions I end up even more confused?
Which word dont you understand? Kim asked
patiently.
ARC breaks. I started to look it up in the dictionary without being told. ARC. A word from the initial letters of Affinity, Reality, and Communication
which together equate to Understanding.
It is
pronounced by stating its letters, A-R-C.
Now look up ARC break, Kim suggested.
I looked over to the next page. ARC break. A
sudden drop or cutting of ones affinity, reality, or
communication with someone or something.

Present Time Problem. A special problem that exists

in the physical universe now, on which the PC has his
attention fixed.

I looked up at Kim. So its just a problem, right,

something going on in my life right now?
Thats right, Kim replied. Thats all there is to
it. Now what about W/Hs? (She pronounced it
withholds.)
I was afraid you were going to ask me that, I
laughed, turning to the Ws.

33

The Road to Xenu

Withhold. A withhold is something that the PC did

that he isnt talking about; an unspoken, unannounced
transgression against a moral code.

OK, according to your last session, which was a

touch assist you had with Antonio, you complained of
a migraine headache. Are there any feelings connected
with that?
I knew by now that in Dianetics, you could only
run actual feelings. Migraine headache was too
broad a concept to run as a Dianetic item. Yes, the
feeling is a pain on the top front of my head, I
responded. OK, yes, you got a big read on that. We
will run the item, a pain on the top front of my
head, Kim announced.
Now, locate an incident containing a pain on the
top front of your head, she commanded.
Yesterday, I volunteered.
All right. How long did it last? she asked.
Just a couple of hours. It went away while Antonio
was doing the touch assist.
OK, move to the beginning of the incident and tell
me when you are there, came the next command.
Im there, I said obediently.
Thank you. What do you see?
I see me waking up in the morning with this pain in
my head, I responded, my eyes closed, concentrating
on the memory.
All right. Scan through to the end of the incident
and tell me what happened.
Well, I got up, took a shower, and went over to the
center to find Antonio. He gave me a touch assist and
the headache went away, I told her, the image growing more and more vivid in my mind.
Is the incident erasing or going more solid? she
asked.
Its definitely more solid, I replied.
All right. Locate an earlier incident containing a
pain in the top front of your head.
Another picture came to my mind. OK, I said,
my eyes still closed. This happened a long time
ago.
When was it? Kim asked softly.
It was when I was about four. Strange, I thought,
I can visualize this picture as clearly as if it happened
yesterday.
OK. How long did it last?
A few hours. I had to have some stitches in my
forehead, I answered her.
Move to the beginning of the incident and tell me
when you are there.
OK, Im there, the picture was getting more
vivid.
Scan through to the end of the incident and tell me
what happened, she commanded gently.
Well, I was four and I was playing with my brother
when he hit me in the head with a toy shovel. He hit
me really hard. I had to have several stitches in my

In other words, I paraphrased, something bad

that I did that I havent told anyone about. Thats easy
enough! Now can we audit?
Sure, let me just clear your rudiments. Kim
picked up her pen and began to write on the paper next
to her E-meter.
Do you have an ARC break? she looked at me
intensely with what I now recognized as TR 0.
If that means being upset with anyone, no, Im not
upset with anyone. Everyone has been very nice, I
smiled at her.
Thats clean, she said, checking the meter.
Now, do you have a present time problem? she
looked again at the meter. That reads, she looked
over at me. Is there a problem in your life right
now?
Yes, I guess the fact that I dont have any money.
There are some things I need to buy, but I spent all my
money on the course. I guess I could call my dad and
ask him to send me a small spending allowance. That
would solve the problem, I looked over at Kim.
Thats clean, she replied, looking down at the
meter.
Now, do you have any withholds? I get a big read
on that. Can you tell me about that?
Yeah, I know exactly what it is. I havent told my
parents about my joining the Sea Org. I just dont
know how to explain it to them. I mean how do you
tell your parents that you just signed up for a billion
years in someones private navy? I laughed. I
thought for a minute. Maybe I could just tell them
that I am working out here for Celebrity Center and
just not mention the billion years right away. They
wouldnt understand it anyway. I was suddenly
aware of how much my thinking had changed in one
short week. Things that were important a week ago
were much different than the things which were important now.
I sighed. How do you explain something like
Scientology to your parents? Or for that matter to
anyone who doesnt know anything about it? Its not
exactly easy to explain.
OK, Kim replied, keeping her TRs in. I knew
that according to the TRs, she wasnt allowed to do
anything other than just acknowledge what I had
originated.
Well, Id like to indicate that you had charge on
telling your parents about joining the Sea Org, Kim
looked down at the meter. Your needle is floating.
We can now begin Dianetics.
Im ready! I looked over at her brightly.

34

The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.

Every perception observed in a lifetime is to be found

in the banks.
Then why cant we remember everything?
The answer, according to Hubbard, is the existence
of the reactive mind, the record of all painful experiences from a lifetime. Each picture in the reactive mind
has as its content pain and/or unconsciousness. It is
this mind which keeps the analytical mind from
functioning at an optimal level. But, he says, through
auditing the reactive mind can be erased.
The memories in the reactive mind are called
engrams in Dianetics. They can be restimulated
later in life by events with similar content.
For example, if two-year-old Mary is knocked over
and bitten on the arm by a black dog, seeing a black
dog thirty years later might restimulate a mysterious
pain in the arm.
According to Dianetic theory, when the person,
through auditing, makes the connection between the
pain in the arm and the earlier memory and is able to
relive the earlier memory, the pain will go away.
According to Hubbard, 90% of all illnesses are
psychosomatic in nature, and all will submit to the
Dianetic technique. At least, that is the promise of
Dianetics.
At the end of the book I found a familiar sounding
passage. Mans efforts writes Hubbard,

forehead. I continued to look at the colorful image in

my mind.
Is the incident erasing or going more solid? she
asked.
Well, I guess its more solid. I can see it quite
vividly, I answered her, my eyes still closed.
All right. Locate an earlier incident containing a
pain in the top front of your head.
I looked into the darkness. Theres nothing there,
I told her.
OK, she answered. Just keep looking. Just tell
me if anything comes to your mind.
I continued to peer into the darkness. I just dont
see anything at all, I told her honestly.
All right. Lets go back to the incident with your
brother. Is that incident erasing or going more solid?
she asked.
Well, I can still see that one quite clearly, I
replied.
OK, then just see if anything comes to your mind,
she said, repeating the last command.
Well, I just see blackness. I cant see anything.
Nothing is coming to my mind. I opened my eyes
and blinked at Kim.
All right, she smiled at me. Were going to
take a break so that I can get some instructions from
the C/S.
Did I do something wrong? I had the feeling that
things hadnt gone the way they should have.
No, she said as she started to pack up her things.
Sometimes people have trouble at first seeing their
past lives. You might have to go for a Review.
Review? I asked.
Yes, there are some special remedies for people
who have trouble seeing their past lives. But it doesnt
take long, and then I can take you back into session.
We walked back to the center, not talking much on
the way back. I had the nagging feeling that I had
failed and that Kim was disappointed in me, although
she didnt say anything to lead me to that belief.
Back on course, I opened up my study pack to where
I had left off. I was just beginning the last section of
the course which was called Dianetic Theory. There
was a short book to read called Dianetics, Evolution of
a Science, by Hubbard. In it, he defines some of the
basic Dianetic concepts.
The analytical mind, he writes, functions much like a
computer. It has color-visio, tone-audio, odor, tactile
and organic memory recall. It should be able to recall
any perception, even the trivial, asleep and awake from
the beginning of life to death.
The mind, he says, is actually composed of the
memory banks, filed by time. These banks contain a
complete color-video record of a persons whole life.

to free man by enslaving him in social and personal

aberrations was the wrong equation. The road to
nowhere. In the ages past the hold of this slavery of
aberration has been broken by the opening up of new
lands and the appearance of new races.
But now weve got a science to break it and a technology to be applied.
Up there are the stars. Down in the arsenal is an atom
bomb.
Which one is it going to be?

Next I began to read the book Dianetics: Modern

Science of Mental Health, by Hubbard. On the inside
flap of the book jacket I read,
Dianetic therapy is a new science which works with
the invariability of physical science in the field of the
human mind. DIANETICS will help the reader to
eliminate any psychosomatic illness. DIANETICS will
help the reader to achieve up to one third more efficiency than present capacity. DIANETICS is the most
advanced and the most clearly presented method of
psychotherapy and self-improvement ever discovered.
Psychosomatic ills such as arthritis, migraine, ulcers,
allergies, asthma, coronary difficulties (psychosomatic
about one third of all heart trouble cases), tendonitis,
bursitis, hysterical paralysis, eye trouble have all
responded as intended by the therapist, without failure in
any case.

In the introduction to the book, the promises continue.

The creation of Dianetics is a milestone for Man com-

35

The Road to Xenu

parable to his discovery of fire and superior to his inventions of the wheel and the arch.
Dianetics, (from the Greek dianoua, meaning thought),
is the science of the mind. Far simpler than physics or
chemistry, it compares with them in the exactness of its
axioms and is on a considerably higher echelon of usefulness. The hidden source of all psychosomatic ills and
human aberration has been discovered and skills have
been developed for their invariable cure.
Dianetics is an adventure. It is an exploration into
terra incognita, the human mind, that vast and hitherto
unknown region half an inch back of our foreheads.
The discoveries and developments which made the
formulation of Dianetics possible occupied many years
of exact research and careful testing. The trail is blazed,
the routes are sufficiently mapped for you to voyage in
safety into your own mind and recover there your full
inherent potential, which is not, we now know, low but
very, very high.
You are beginning an adventure. Treat it as an adventure. And may you never be the same again.

be blotted from your recollection again. Your journey is

completely uninhibited by synthetic experiences, drugs
or hypnosis of any form, for it is the process of awakeness or awareness, of restored knowledge and clarity of
being.
With Scientology you are the judge of your own certainty in your past experiences, because you will know
for yourself without reservation what they are. After all,
you were there!
The concept of reincarnation and Mans belief in the
past and future continuum is as old as Man himself. It
can be traced to the beginnings of thirty-one primitive
cultures and has dominated almost every religion
through history as a pivotal belief.
The Egyptians, Hindus, Buddhists, Jainists, Sikhists,
Brahmans, NeoPlatonists, Christians, Romans, Jews and
Gnostics all believed in reincarnation and the rebirth
cycle.
It was a fundamental belief in the Roman Catholic
Church until 553 AD when a company of four monks
held the Synod of Constantinople, (without the Pope
present) and decided the belief could not exist. They
condemned the teachings of reincarnation as heresy and
it was at this time that references to it were expunged
from the Bible.
Without reference to the subject as the written word,
the belief fell to the mystics and spiritualists of the
middle ages. These too, were defeated, but the belief
persisted and again was rediscovered in the 19th century
in the beginnings of psychology.
Freud and Jung acknowledged Mans belief in his own
immortality and reincarnation. Their mistake was only
in assigning this basic truth to imagination or fantasy.
Today in Scientology, the stigma of the subject has
been erased and verification of the existence of past
lives is fact.
Through reading this book it is hoped that you will
rediscover for yourself the verity of your own existence,
no matter how long ago forgotten.
To some these facts may come as a surprise. To others
it may be as casual as looking at an old photo album.
But to everyone it will be a unique and enlightening
adventure into the past, all in the course of discovering a
brighter future.

The goal of Dianetics is the Clear, described in the

book as follows:
A CLEAR can be tested for any and all psychoses,
neuroses, compulsions and repressions (all aberrations)
and can be examined for any autogenetic (selfgenerated) diseases referred to as psychosomatic ills.
These tests confirm the CLEAR to be entirely without
such ills or aberrations. Additional tests of his intelligence indicate it to be high above the current norm.
Observation of his activity demonstrates that he pursues
existence with vigor and satisfaction.

The only Clears I knew were Antonio and Aileen,

and they certainly seemed to have no problems, I
thought.
At lunch, I told Antonio about my session.
Antonio, Im confused about past lives. Are there
some people in Scientology who just cant remember
their past lives? I asked, thinking of myself.
Well, sooner or later it is my experience that
everyone will remember their past lives, Antonio
said. For some people it just takes more time.
When we got back to the center he handed me a book.
Maybe this will help, he said kindly.
I took the book back to my seat. Have You Lived
Before This Life? the cover read. I opened it to the
introduction.
In the past, I started to read,

The book consisted of forty two case histories, all of

which had been resolved by the remembering of past
lives.
I read through some of the case histories.
In one account of a man who complained of chronic
fatigue, the problem was resolved when the person
remembered having been a coolie in 19th century
China.
Another case history reported,

the term reincarnation has mystified Man. The definition has been corrupted. The word has been taken to
mean to be born again in different life forms, whereas its
actual definition is to be born again into the flesh or into
another body. In order that there can be rebirth, something must enter in. This is the being, the person himself. It is YOU.
The existence of past lives is proven in Scientology.
An adventure awaits you. It is a journey through
restored consciousness of ages past. Once regained,
your own natural memory of past experiences can never

This takes place nine galaxy periods ago. I was a

male, born of space parents. At the age of five I was
already on the lookout for brothels. At nine years of age
I asked my father if I could join the space academy.
However, this does not occur until I am fourteen. When
I am sixteen I kill my father while fighting on the planet
and I join a space ship. I learn all about space ship
drills, take-offs, etc. There is homosexuality, as only
officers are allowed women.

36

The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.

said to me as I approached her desk. Down the hall,

second room to your right.
I followed her directions.
The door was open and a man in his twenties sat
with his back to me at a table with an E-meter in the
middle of it. I knocked and he looked around. Hi,
he welcomed me. Im Brad. Im going to be giving
you a review session. Close the door, please. He
indicated for me to sit in the chair opposite him.
You can pick up the cans. Were just going to start
where your auditor left off this morning.
First well fly your ruds, he began, then, seeing
that I didnt understand, he laughed and said, Oh, Im
sorry. That just means Im going to check your rudiments like your auditor did this morning. ARC break,
present time problem, withholds. Remember?
Oh, yeah, I remember. I think everythings OK, I
told him.
Well, well just check. Do you have an ARC
break? You had a read on that. Any idea what it might
be? He looked at me with the now familiar TR 0.
Well, maybe just that Im upset that I cant remember my past lives. Ive been reading about it all day.
Maybe Im not like everyone else. Maybe I just cant
remember, I felt discouraged.
Thats all right. Well just see what happens.
Theres nothing to worry about. He seemed unconcerned.
OK, the feeling you were running was a pain on
the top front of your head, right? And you remembered an incident when you were four and had stitches
in your forehead. Do you remember that incident? he
asked me.
Oh, sure, I replied, closing my eyes. I can see it
clearly.
OK, is it erasing or becoming more solid? he
asked.
Its very clear, I guess its getting more solid, I
answered, concentrating on the mental image.
Thats good, Brad was reassuring. Now locate
an earlier incident containing a pain at the top front of
your head. Just take your time and tell me about anything that comes to your mind. Anything at all. Even
if it seems silly. Just take your time. I was feeling
almost hypnotized by his calm, soothing voice.
Thats it, he continued. Even if its just a word
that comes to your mind, let me know when you see or
think of anything.
All I see is blackness, I said slowly. Its black,
kind of reddish black. And my head is hurting.
All right, Brad continued gently. When was
it?
I feel like it might be when I was being born, I
answered.

In another case, the engram started on a planet of

perfection 1,600 years ago. By that I mean everything
was orderly and routine. My part on this planet was a
sort of engineer in a big power house that supplied the
energy by means of beams to feed the machines that
were in use for the welfare of the people. The person
is eventually killed with a space pistol.
In yet another history, The incident was located on
the E-meter and has happened 3,225 years ago. I was
positioned in North Africa near the coast. I was the
leader of that sector of the Roman Army. There were
only five such sectors in existence, reaching around the
coast to Europe. The person later died a mysterious
death by inhaling a powder emitted by a white circular
object in a cave.
In another report the person said that the incident
was 55,000,000,000,000,000,000 years ago. I was in
the sea and had thoughts only for Manta rays....
Another history took place in Italian Somaliland in
South Africa in the 17th or 18th century. Another one
was in Tibet in 1500 AD. Another took place in 11th
century Norway. Another was a monk in England in
1703. Another one experienced a death 2,000,000,000
years ago when he landed by mistake on a planet which
had been taken over by black magic operators.
When break was called, I went out and sat by myself at
the end of the community log. Kris came over to me.
Youre awfully quiet today. Whats up? She sat
down next to me.
Its all this past life stuff, I shook my head. I
just cant seem to see them. I had a session this morning. When the auditor told me to find an earlier incident, all I could see was darkness. I dont know. Im
not sure whether to believe in this stuff or not. I
looked at her with a troubled expression.
Well, I had trouble at first, Kris admitted. But
after a while I just started seeing them. Once you get
used to it it isnt hard at all. But it isnt anything to
worry about. I just had the attitude that, well, if I saw
anything fine, if I didnt, fine. The only way to know
for sure whether they exist for you is just wait and see
what happens. No one else can tell you what to
believe. Ron even says, Whats true for you is true
for you. Just because something is true for me
doesnt mean it will be true for you.
Thanks, I guess. I stared thoughtfully at the sky.
If theyre really there, then I want to see them. If I
really did live before, then I want to know who I was.
Dont worry, itll come, she encouraged me. I
think almost everyone here had the same problem at
first, but you get over it.
Just then, I heard my name called from inside the
center.
You are to have a review session, the Supervisor

37

The Road to Xenu

All right. Now move to the beginning of the incident and tell me when you are there.
I tried to follow his command.
What do you see? he asked me.
Well, I see myself in this stable. I think its in
England. There is a big stone castle. This man is
helping me onto a horse. I think its my father. I feel
like he loves me very much. It seems like he is warning me about something. To be careful. He knows I
am still very inexperienced at riding and he is telling
me to be careful and not to try to go too fast, the
picture is developing before my eyes as I speak.
All right, Brad continues quietly, now scan
through to the end of the incident.
I sit in silence trying to see the scene before my
eyes.
OK. I look up at Brad.
Tell me what happened.
I close my eyes again. Well, I get on this horse
and I am riding across these fields. I am feeling really
wonderful. I love the feeling of freedom I have as I
ride through the beautiful countryside. We are coming
to a brook. I kick the horse, spurring him on to jump
over the brook. I lose control. The horse is galloping
really fast, and I lose control of the reins. The next
thing I know I am falling into the brook, and I hit my
head on a rock. I feel the cold water across my face,
but then I lose consciousness. I think I died. I open
my eyes and look up at Brad.
Do you think that really happened? I ask him.
Its not just my imagination?
I am not allowed to evaluate for you, Brad says
matter of factly. That would be a violation of the
Auditors Code. All I can tell you is that what is true
for you is true for you. And I am also not allowed to
invalidate you. The test of it will be whether your
migraines disappear. There may, however, be other
somatics involved in your migraines. You will have to
audit them one at a time, he looked across the table at
me and smiled.
Is the last picture erasing or going more solid? he
continued with the process.
I think its erasing. The picture was getting
smaller and smaller. I started to laugh. One summer
my parents took me on vacation to a ranch in Texas.
We rode horses every day. I was miserable through
that whole vacation. Come to think of it, I had a
migraine on that trip. Now I understand why!
I would like to indicate that your needle is floating, Brad informed me. He continued to smile at me.
OK, end of session! he said in a loud voice.
You can put down the cans. He reached for the
cans and turned off his meter.
Lets go find the examiner, he said as he fol-

Good, he encouraged me. Now how long did it

last?
I dont know, maybe a couple of hours, I
guessed.
OK, now move to the beginning of the incident and
tell me when you are there, he commanded gently.
All right, I guess Im there, I answered uncertainly.
OK, what do you see? he asked.
Well, I just see this reddish blackness, and it seems
like Im inside of something. I feel like something is
pressing all over me. And my head is hurting. It feels
like something is squeezing me. Its like Im being
born, I answered.
Excellent, Brad sounded pleased. Now move
through the incident to a point two hours later and tell
me what happened.
I visualized a birth scene. OK. I just feel this
pressure and pain on my head. Then I see this baby
being born, and held by the doctor. I see it like I am
looking from across the room, but I think it is me that
is being born, I continued to look at the image in my
mind.
All right!
Brad sounded genuinely happy.
Now is the incident erasing or going more solid?
More solid, I guess. I can see it pretty clearly, I
answered him as honestly as I could.
All right. Youre doing fine. Now locate an earlier incident that contains a pain at the top front of your
head, he commanded firmly.
I looked again into the darkness. I wondered if it
was this hard for everyone. I still didnt see anything.
Nothing. I dont see anything. Im trying but I
dont see anything at all. Just blackness. I felt like a
failure.
Thats OK, Brad encouraged. Just keep your
eyes closed and tell me anything that comes into your
mind. Anything at all. An image, or a word, it can be
anything at all. Dont try to force it, let it come up
naturally.
I peered into the darkness in my mind. Then I
thought of something. A horse. Its a horse. I see a
horse, I looked at the developing image in my mind.
OK, Brad answered cautiously, can you see
anything alse?
I just see this horse. I am riding on it, galloping
across a field.
Good. Thats good, Brad said confidently.
Now, when was it?
I dont known. I guess sometime in the eighteenth
century, I gave the first thing that came into my mind.
OK, how long did it last? Brad asked.
Not long, I think just a few minutes, again, saying the first thing that came to my mind.

38

The Date of the Incident Is 520 B.C.

OK. Locate an earlier incident containing a feeling

of nausea in your stomach.
I looked into the darkness. This time the picture
came right away. It was getting easier and easier.
I am in some kind of implant station.
All right. What is the date of the incident?
About 35,000 BC.
Good. How long did it last?
Not long. It all happened really fast. A few
seconds.
OK. Move to the beginning of the incident and tell
me when you are there.
Im there, I cooperated.
Good. Now scan through to the end of the incident
and tell me what happened.
OK. Well, I am in this implant station. Its all
grey inside. I feel like I am spinning around and
around. While I am spinning around I am being shown
all these pictures. The spinning gets faster and faster
and then I am unconscious. Thats all there is. Its an
implant.
The picture is erasing. I open my eyes and look at
Kim. I guess thats why I never like carnival rides
that go around like that. They make me sick to my
stomach.
Kim ends the session and we head for the examiner.
After one more successful session she will graduate
from the course. She is happy.
That was how we did Dianetics. That is how people
in Scientology are doing Dianetics today. At different
times during my career in Scientology I relived a
birth in 1896, I served in the French Resistance during
the Second World War, I was a soldier in the Roman
army in 200 AD, I studied medicine in Egypt, I lived as
a caveman in the jungle, I died of the plague in the
Middle Ages, I was a prehistoric animal in 14027050, I
survived a whole series of interesting implants, I lived
many lives and died many deaths on other planets and
in other times. I was a villain, a nun, an Indian, an
artist, a particle out in space, and many other things. In
one life, I learned to my amusement, I did know Beethoven. I filed that away to tell Julie when I saw her
again. So that was how we did Dianetics.
That is how 40,000 people in this country and approximately 100,000 people in other countries are doing Dianetics today. May you never be the same
again, Hubbard hoped for us all. I probably never
was.
As the time passed for me in the sheltered and
protective womb of Scientology, and as I had more and
more auditing, the reality of the outside world
ceased to exist for me and the only reality I knew or
cared about was that contained within Scientology.
The lines between this strange reality and mere fan-

lowed me out of the room. At the end of the hall there

was a very small room, a closet actually, with the Examiner sign above the door.
I heard a voice, Just a minute! and looked back to
see a young girl running toward me.
You first, she pointed me into the room. I sat
down and picked up the cans. Your needle is floating, she informed me with a smile. Thats it, she
said and I put down the cans. You can go back to
class now.
I sat down and thought about the session Id just had.
I thought about the girl riding through the English
countryside. It seemed real enough, I thought. Is it
possible? I remembered how we used to sit and read
Edgar Cayce books back at the coffee house. I cant
wait to tell them about this, I thought. I can go back
and tell them there is a way they can remember their
own past lives. Theyll love it!
After my review with Brad, I had no more trouble with past lives.
The next morning I once again followed Kim to her
apartment. After we were situated and she had done
the required rudiments check, she looked at me
earnestly.
Are there any other feelings associated with having
a migraine? she asked.
Yes, I replied immediately. I get this awful feeling of nausea in my stomach.
That reads, she looked at me triumphantly.
Were going to run a feeling of nausea in your
stomach.
Again we went through the Dianetics procedure,
command by command. I was able to recall several
times during this lifetime when I had had the nausea.
Then she asked for an earlier incident.
Yeah, I see something. Im in another city and Im
in a room underground. Im a prisoner and Im dying, I answered her.
When was it? Kim asked.
I think it was around 520 BC, I answered.
OK. How long did it last?
It lasted for a couple of hours, I answered, again
seeing a picture develop before my eyes.
Move to the beginning of the incident and tell me
when you are there.
OK, Im there.
All right, scan through to the end of the incident.
A few minutes of quiet. OK, Im at the end.
What happened?
I was a prisoner. In Greece. They gave me some
poison to drink. It made me really sick to my stomach.
Finally I die.
OK, is the incident erasing or going more solid?
More solid.

39

The Road to Xenu

tasy became increasingly blurred over the years as I

was subjected to more and more auditing and more and
more of the propaganda of Scientology. I eventually
regressed to a state of mind that was, for all practical
purposes, psychotica psychosis which had its roots in

the psychologically destructive, mind numbing and

reality-blurring practice of Dianetic auditing that I
received during my very first days in Scientology.
Scientology was, for me, truly the road to nowhere.

40

Chapter 8

Star Trek for Real

Aileen would grant me welcome absences from course

to run errands for her to the other nearby Scientology
centers. Sometimes there were envelopes or messages
to deliver to the executives at the L.A. Org, the
center on nearby Ninth Street where the Scientology
lower levels were delivered to non-celebrities. The
curriculum at the Org was similar to that offered at
Celebrity Center: the lower levels of Scientology including Dianetics and the Levels 0 through Level 4.
An auditor trained to deliver these levels was known in
Scientology as a Class 4 auditor.
In the lobby of the Org was a huge picture of Hubbard in his nautical gear, gazing out benevolently at all
who entered the room. Sometimes as I passed through
the room I would gaze back in reverence at the portrait,
looking into the eyes that seemed to stare right through
me. The portrait seemed so lifelike that I often wondered as looked up at my guru if he could read my
thoughts or see into my mind as I passed. Did he, like
God, know everything about me? I could feel a
hundred withholds stirring in my subconscious mind as
I passed by the all-seeing visage of Hubbard.
On other errands, I would be sent to the smaller but
equally well kept building owned by Scientology on
the diagonal corner from the L.A. Org. This was
known as the Advanced Org, or AO. It was in this
building that the advanced OT levels of Scientology
were administered. I was only allowed in the lobby of
the building. Only those who were on the secret upper
levels were allowed access to the rooms further inside
the building. In the lobby, the OTs (people on the
OT levels) sat silently, waiting for their next C/S,
instructions for their next auditing session. Everything
in the AO was carried on in hushed tones that seemed
to imply the presence of activities of extreme significance and secrecy. The staff at the AO were all
uniformed Sea Org members. They saluted each other
constantly, walked and talked with great briskness, and
seemed to be filled with the great importance of their
mission.
In contrast was the American Saint Hill Organization, or ASHO, located several blocks to the north
on Temple Street. In comparison to the AO, ASHO
seemed somewhat disorganized. It was a much larger

Los Angeles, I decided, was a city of contrasts. On

my breaks from course, I would frequently wander
down to Alvarado Street, to buy a twenty-five cent ice
cream from the Jewish delicatessen on the corner of
Alvarado and Eighth Streets, or to browse in one of the
seedy discount stores on the streets bordering the park.
The oppressive squalor of MacArthur Park was a
revelation to me. Having been brought up in well
scrubbed midwest suburbs, I had never been exposed to
the legitimate poverty I was now seeing for the first
time.
What irony, I would think each time I walked
through the park on my frequent visits to have lunch or
dinner with Antonio and Aileen in their small apartment on Lafayette Park Place. The park itself had a
pristine quality, with bright flowering bushes in all
shades of reds, oranges and yellows blooming unashamedly even in these winter months. Small ponds
were laced with white bridges and the grass was a deep
and healthy shade of green. But the park and the
streets surrounding the park had become the skid row
of Los Angeles. Hundreds of alcoholics wandered
aimlessly on the streets, begging for the money to
satisfy the demonic thirst possessing them. Bag ladies
dressed in layers of ragged clothes passed by, pulling
their shopping carts and carrying on monologues with
invisible companions. The beauty of the small park
was endlessly dotted with the figures of drunks who
sprawled on the many benches of the park or who were
lying on the ground sleeping off the effects of the previous nights binge.
Los Angeles, I later discovered, was most beautiful
in the winter months when the smog was not as oppressive as in the late summer and fall. I loved the mountain ridges visible on the distant horizon which seemed
to provide a protective presence over the city. I could
see the ragged hills to the west with tiny homes nestled
into the cliffs. When there was no smog, the city
stretched clearly visible for miles in all directions, a
seemingly infinite carpet of human habitation.
For the first few months of my adventure in Scientology, my world consisted only of the center, the park,
and the apartment on Lafayette Park Place. Yet
gradually, my universe began to expand. Occasionally

41

The Road to Xenu

be really rough on people. But the tech wont work on

a person unless his ethics are in. If thats what it takes
to get his ethics in, then thats what it takes. In the
long run, it is really doing him a favor. When he
comes out of the closet, he will thank the Ethics Officer
for helping him get his ethics in.
I had to be satisfied with that explanation.
Whenever I went back to ASHO on an errand, I
would always glance at the closet and wonder if
anyone was inside writing up his O/Ws.
Occasionally Aileen would excuse me from class to
go next door to help prepare the lunch or dinner for the
fifty or so people who ate at the house on Burlington
Street. Unfortunately, that experience was to take
away my appetite for many future meals. One of my
tasks was to strain the milk for maggots. Another time
I went through heads of lettuce that were filled with
worms trying to salvage enough usable pieces for a
salad.
On another day, Aileen called me into her office and
said, I want you to go help out at the nursery. They
are short staffed.
I followed her directions as I walked the twenty or
so blocks to a small windowless building on Franklin
Street. So this is where they keep the children, I
thought to myself, suddenly realizing that I had seen no
young children in the weeks I had been in Scientology,
even though I knew many of the staff were married.
As I passed the fenced back yard, I saw a dozen toddlers wandering around in the dirt, clothed only in
diapers. There was no grass in the yard, just several
large trees surrounded by dirt. The children had no
toys, and were playing with each other or using their
hands to draw pictures in the dirt.
I went to the door on the far side of the building on
which was a small blue and white sign printed Cadet
Org, Church of Scientology.
I was let in the building, and as I looked around I
was greeted by a dismal sight. The walls of the rooms
and the hallway surrounding me were painted stark
white. The floors were a dull grey and dirty linoleum.
There were no pictures on the walls, no decorations of
any kind. Wandering in the hallways and in the two
rooms I could see several dozen children dressed only
in diapers and t-shirts. Most looked as if they had not
been bathed recently. Several carried bottles, but most
were just wandering in the hallway or sleeping on the
bare floor. The rooms were bare of furniture and there
were no toys, books, or any of the normal and familiar
signs of childhood. I could smell urine in the room,
and I heard many small voices crying plaintively. A
young girl in a Sea Org uniform came up to me and
greeted me. She was one of two staff members in
charge of all these children.

building in which Scientologists polished up their

auditing skills on the weighty Saint Hill Special
Briefing Course, which had been developed by Hubbard at his mansion in England called Saint Hill. This
course consisted of all the materials of levels 0 through
4 with the addition of hundreds of tape recorded messages from Hubbard. It was rumored that to pass the
Briefing Course, a student would have to listen to 600
tape recorded messages of Hubbard each 60 to 90
minutes in length. A person completing the Briefing
Course was known in Scientology as a Class 6
auditor.
At ASHO two important courses were given, Power
and Solo, which were the last levels to be done before a
person could become Clear.
One day as I was doing an errand for Aileen at
ASHO, as I sat in the lobby waiting for a message to
deliver back to Aileen, I observed a curious event. Just
off the lobby to the right was a door. I saw a
uniformed Sea Org member walk up to the door carrying a glass of water and a small plate of what appeared to be bread crusts. The Sea Org member took
out a ring of keys from his pocket, unlocked the door,
and passed the bread and water to an unknown person
on the other side of the door. Then he relocked the
door and walked away.
I looked questioningly at the Receptionist who was
sitting just across from me.
Who was that? I asked her.
Oh, that was the MAA, she responded (which I
knew to mean the Master at Arms, or the Ethics Officer).
Whos in the closet? I asked curiously.
Its just someone writing up his O/Ws, she
replied in an unconcerned tone of voice. Hes been in
there for three days and nights.
Why would it take someone three days and nights
to write up his overts and withholds? I asked her.
How can someone have done that many things
wrong?
Because he has to write up his whole track
O/Ws, she replied, beginning to be annoyed at my
questions. He has to write up all the overts and withholds he has had in all his lifetimes. Sometimes that
can take days. He cant come out until the MAA is
satisfied that he is totally clean. But its worth it, because when he comes out, you will see a totally different person.
Ill bet, I thought to myself, stunned by this practice. What else do they do in the name of Ethics?
(Eventually, I was to know the answer to this question.)
Later I asked Antonio about this strange disciplinary
procedure.
Yes, he admitted, sometimes it is necessary to

42

Star Trek for Real

the day. From that day, whenever I received any

money from home, or had any money left from my
meager Sea Org pay, I would walk over to the
drugstore on Alvarado Street and buy cheap childrens
books or crayons for the children of the Cadet Org.
I returned to the Cadet Org several days later for
another babysitting shift and was told that baby Lisa
had died two days earlier.
Another interesting experience in Scientology was
my first payday. In Scientology there is the practice
known as graphing ones stats. For every post in
Scientology there is an assigned statistic. For example,
the statistic, or stat, for an Ethics Officer might be
number of ethics cycles handled hourly. The statistic for a letter registrar, the person who writes letters to the public, might be the number of letters written per hour. The stat for a student might be number of
points on course per hour (each activity on every
Scientology course is awarded a certain number of
points). Scientologists graph their stats by the hour, the
day and the week. Each Thursday, promptly at 2:00
PM, every Scientology staff member has to turn in his
or her stats for the week to the division of the organization known as Inspection and Reports, or I &
R. Then each staff member is assigned a condition
for that week. The staff member must then apply the
appropriate formula during the following week to move
up to a higher condition and better his stats. Theoretically, a staff member in Scientology is expected each
week to better his stats from the previous week. If he
does not, he will be assigned a lower condition
which he then must work out of by performing even
more work, sometimes of a menial and demeaning nature.
On Friday, after all the stats for the week have been
tabulated, staff members who are not in a lower condition for the week receive their pay. The pay is calculated is as follows. First, the gross income for the
week for that particular org is computed. Ten percent
of the G.I. is then siphoned off the top to be paid to
World Wide, the international headquarters of
Scientology in Europe (at least this was the practice
during the years I was in Scientology). Then the expenses of the organization for that week are paid. The
remaining money is allocated to payroll and is paid out
according to a units system.
Each job, or post, in Scientology is allocated a certain number of points, or units, executive positions
earning more points and the more menial jobs, such a
switchboard operator, less points. The net income for
the org is then allocated to the staff in that org in
proportion to the units for each post. In my post as a
Dianetics auditor in training (my unofficial post as an
aide to Aileen not being recognized for the purposes of

Where do you keep their toys and books? I asked

the young girl, whose name was Colleen.
They dont have any, she answered in an expressionless voice. Children are down statistics, and you
dont reward down statistics. Thats in the tech.
But what do they do all day? I asked her noticing
that many of the children had a forlorn look about
them. I had a sudden instinct to grab as many children
as I could and run out the door.
We just watch them. They play in the back yard.
If their parents stats (statistics) are up, they can come
and see their children for a hour or so after dinner.
Do they sleep here? I asked her.
Yes, most of them do. She showed me a room
further down the hallway. In the room were rows of
cribs, side by side, about a dozen in all in the small
room. Some of the Sea Org children stay here, and
some are sent to a ranch in Mexico if their parents are
going to be on a mission for a long time, she explained.
But dont the parents miss their children? I asked.
Remember, she told me severely, children are
part of the second dynamic. The third dynamic (the
group) is more important than the second dynamic.
The rule in Scientology is the greatest good for the
greatest number of dynamics. Our main purpose in
Scientology is to clear the planet. Dont ever forget
that. Until the children can begin to work for the
group, they are downstats, and they cant be rewarded.
Besides, Hubbard says that children are just thetans in
small bodies. They are just as responsible as adults.
We have to get their ethics in. So we dont reward
them until they can produce.
At that, she led me into a back room in which there
was a solitary playpen. In the playpen was a tiny baby,
female and horribly deformed. Her face was grotesque
and distorted and her body twisted. One leg was
shorter than the other, and her arms were abnormally
short and not properly formed. This is Lisa, Colleen informed me. Her mother is on staff. She took
LSD when she was pregnant. She bent over the edge
of the pen and stroked the babys head. The baby
seemed to be having trouble breathing and her eyes
looked clouded.
Shes blind, but she can hear you. We just talk to
her and hold her. But I dont think shes going to live
very long. Colleen reached down and picked up the
poor creature and handed her to me. I spent the rest of
the day holding and walking with baby Lisa. I walked
around and tried to make contact with some of the
other children. They crowded around me, desperate for
attention.
At the end of the day, I left the building and walked
home, numb with the shock of what I had seen during

43

The Road to Xenu

was always a treat to enjoy the comraderie of friends

and the luxury of dining away from the staff house.
Mounted on the wall in the diner was a small black
and white television. We usually arrived at the diner
just a few minutes after six oclock, just as the new
science fiction program, Star Trek, was being broadcast. However, I soon discovered that Scientologists
watched this program from an entirely different
perspective than did wogs. (Wog is the Scientology term for non- Scientologists, taken from an old
English expression, an acronym for worthy oriental
gentleman, a derogatory term used to refer to the nonEnglish natives of the British colonies).
Its just old space opera, one staff member joked
as we watched an episode. They dont know it, but
theyre really just running their own track (time
track). What he meant was that the events on the
program were actually real events that had happened
long ago. The Star Trek writers were just remembering events in their own distant past. Events which
were common to us all. To a Scientologist, this
program had a special relevance. To us, this program
was our history.
The days in the Sea Org became weeks. Christmas
came and went. To me it seemed a surreal experience
to have warm weather on the day of this traditionally
winter holiday. I discovered that Christmas was just
another day in the week to Scientologists. As a Christian holiday it had only token significance. We did
have a special dinner served in the center buffet style.
There were some cheeses in the center of the table that
we were told had been sent expressly by Hubbard, to
reward us for our dedication and loyalty as staff members. I felt grateful.
After the dinner, we returned to course. The rest of
the day was just another day in the Sea Org.
One day, not long after Christmas, Aileen asked the
Course Supervisor to excuse me from course. I followed her into her office. There sat a familiar figure.
Dad! I exclaimed in surprise, what are you doing here? He shook my hand awkwardly. We were
not given to displays of affection in our family. He
was on business, he explained, and decided to come
and see my school. I noticed that he was carrying
his briefcase.
Well, do you like it? I asked him expectantly.
Everyone is certainly friendly, he answered,
glancing uncertainly at Aileen. I was hoping I could
take you out to dinner.
I looked at Aileen. Of course, dear. Go with your
father and have a good time. Ill get you excused from
course.
I took my dad to the diner, not knowing any other
place nearby to eat. He looked worried.

pay) I had a fairly minimal number of units.

On payday, Friday, we all lined up outside the center
and waited for the Director of Finance to show up with
our pay. A mobile canteen unit had drawn up into the
parking lot, I noticed, to take advantage of our weekly
affluence. I waited in anticipation for my first Scientology pay. Having been without income for some
time, I had a list of priorities to satisfy with my pay,
ranging from toothpaste to an unaccustomed dinner out
at a local diner with fellow staff members.
Finally the finance person appeared with a box of
small brown envelopes. The names were called one by
one. I waited eagerly. I had worked hard my first
week in the Sea Org, an average of sixteen to eighteen
hours a day for seven days, with two and a half hours
off on Saturday for personal time. Finally my name
was called. I reached for my envelope. I opened it up
and found a receipt and money enclosed for exactly
two dollars and eleven cents. I stared in disbelief.
Maybe there had been a mistake? I went up to the
finance officer.
I only got two dollars and eleven cents, I stammered to the uniformed officer. He took the receipt
from me and looked at the figures. No, thats right,
he assured me. It was a slow week. But according to
your units, that is the correct pay. Maybe next week
will be better. He handed me back the receipt.
I walked away feeling deflated. My plans for shopping, for dinner with friends, faded into the sunset. I
looked over at the canteen. I walked over, selected a
sandwich and a can of soda. Two dollars. The
canteen owner reached out his hand toward me for the
money. Oh well, I thought, handing him the money.
So much for payday.
In the several years that I was to work for Scientology, the highest pay I ever remember receiving was
eleven dollars and twenty cents. How do you survive? I asked another girl who was on staff. She
looked at me and laughed. Some of us work as topless dancers, she told me. At night, after hours. Its
the only way to get along on this pay.
I was suddenly conscious of my chronically somewhat overweight body. I sighed. I would have to find
another way to survive economically. For the moment,
though, I went to the phone and placed a collect call to
my father. Maybe he could increase the small allowance he had been sending me to help with my
studies.
During the weeks that followed, I would occasionally receive small checks from my father which I
could cash in the finance office. With these small
windfalls, I could occasionally afford to go with the
executives and more highly paid staff members to have
dinner at the small diner right behind the L.A. Org. It

44

Star Trek for Real

No, you are wrong, my father said, beginning to

sound angry. This Scientology is nonsense. You are
in a cult. And I am going to take you home. I want
you to get your things and come with me. I have a
ticket for you to come back with me to Michigan. He
pulled the ticket from his pocket. It was made out in
my name.
I started to cry. Dad, I cant come back with you.
I dont care what you think about Scientology, you just
dont understand. You cant tell me what to do
anymore. Im eighteen. Scientology is my life. Ive
signed a contract to work here and Im not leaving.
What kind of contract? he asked suspiciously.
A Sea Org contract. I signed a contract to work for
the Sea Org for a billion years. Were going to clear
the planet. Then were going to clear all the other
planets in the universe. Scientology is the first chance
in millions of years for us to be free. And Im not
going to mess it up. Theres nothing in the world out
there that I want to do. How could I go back to music
school when I have a chance here to help with something really important?
He looked at me with a combination of exasperation
and disbelief. How can I get you to see the truth
about what you are involved in? he asked me.
Cant you see the absurdity of what you are saying?
A billion year contract? Clearing the planet? This is
nonsense. You need to come to your senses. Now he
was really sounding angry.
Dad, Im not coming back with you. Ill have
dinner with you and talk to you, but Im not coming
back to Michigan. And you cant make me. I was
not about to give in.
He stared helplessly out the window. Then he
turned to me and started speaking in a kinder, less
angry voice.
Look, I know we have never shown much affection
in our family. But you know that we love you. We
care about you. Why do you think I came all the way
out here to see you? We all care. Your brothers and
sister miss you too. We all want you back home.
And what will you do if I dont come? I asked
him.
Well try something to get you back. Legally.
Well fight. Well sue this cult if we have to. Were
not going to give you up to some harebrained cult, he
threatened.
Now I knew the truth. My father was an SP. Hubbard had made it clear. I had read all the teachings on
the Suppressive Person on the course. The basic crime
of Suppressive Persons was to attack Scientology, the
only force for good and reason on the planet.
I had read about this in the Ethics book. The Suppressive Person was also called the anti-social per-

Your mother and I have been reading about this

Scientology, he told me. He took some newspaper
clippings from his briefcase. Here. I want you to
read these.
I picked up one of the clippings. It was from Time
Magazine. The writer was obviously biased against
Scientology. In the article Scientology was called a
cult.
Scientologys not a cult, I informed my father.
Its just a group of people trying to make a difference
in the world. This writer obviously didnt talk to
anyone in Scientology or he wouldnt have written
these things. I handed the article back to him.
Well, there are other articles, he handed me
several other articles. I looked through them. The
orientation of the writers was obvious.
Dad, this is just entheta, I told him, remembering
what Hubbard had taught about this kind of journalism
on one of his tapes. That means it is against theta, or
goodness. Were not supposed to read this stuff, I
told him coldly, pushing the articles back to his side of
the table.
But just read some of them, he pleaded with me.
I dont need to read them. I know what they say
without reading them. They are written by the suppressive press. These writers are paid by their bosses to
write this stuff. They want to destroy Scientology because it works. There are vested interests in this
country who dont want to see Scientology expand. It
is a threat to them because they want to enslave people
and Scientology is in the business of freeing people.
Out of my mouth were coming the phrases I had heard
over and over on Hubbards training tapes.
You are in a dangerous cult, my father argued
with me. We want you to quit this foolishness and
come home. Thats why I am here. I have come to get
you and to take you home.
I looked at my dad with disbelief. He was beginning
to sound like a Suppressive Person. A very unpleasant
thought began to form in my mind. Could it be possible that my dad was an SP?
How does Mom feel about this? I asked him.
She totally agrees. We both want you home. You
can go back to the university. If you come back now,
you can still enroll for the spring semester. He was
looking at me hopefully.
I dont want to come back. I dont want to go back
to school. This is where I belong. I have a job here. I
am helping to Clear the planet. There is nothing on
this whole planet more important than Scientology.
These writers are wrong about Scientology. Scientology is the only hope on this planet that any of us
have. I was beginning to get desperate. Could my
father force me to go back with him?

45

The Road to Xenu

thing that has happened to the MAA.

She pulled a routing form out of her top drawer. At
the top it said, Ethics Routing Form.
Several minutes later, I sat in the chair opposite the
teenage Ethics Officer, telling him the same story I had
told Aileen.
I would like to indicate that your father is a Suppressive Person, he looked across the desk at me as if
I were infected with a deadly virus, and the policy on
suppressives is very clear. He handed me a policy
letter written by Hubbard. I read through it carefully.
The policy on suppressives, according to Hubbard, was
to handle or disconnect.
What does that mean? I asked the young boy sitting across from me. Wrong question. What word
dont you understand? he looked at me with emotionless eyes.
I understand the words. I just dont understand
what Im supposed to do, I said.
Very simple. Either you handle your father. That
means to the point where he is willing that you continue in the Sea Org, or you will have to disconnect
from him. You will have to send him a disconnect
letter.
Disconnect letter? It sounded ominous.
Yes. I can help you write it. You will tell him that
you want no contact with him or with the rest of your
family now or at any point in the future. You will
formally disconnect from your suppressive family.
And until you handle the situation in one way or the
other, you wont be allowed back on course. Thats
policy. Im going to give you twenty four hours to
make your decision. You are to report back to me at
this same time tomorrow. The policy, I realized, was
black and white. Like everything else in Scientology.
There was no room for feeling. Not that I minded the
lack of emotion with which this and similar situations
were handled in Scientology. I had already done
enough TR 0 bullbaited to not feel much about anything. But to tell your parents goodbye forever.... I
squirmed inwardly at the thought. Yet I believed in the
policy. I was already conditioned to believe that if
Hubbard said it, it must be right. I knew that
Hubbards way would always be the best and most
rational solution because he was Source. In just a
few short weeks, Hubbard had already assumed occupancy of the place in my mind allocated to Father, or
Dad. He loved me, I believed, even more than my own
father did. He was father to us all.
I walked back to the house, having been barred from
the course until this problem was resolved. I thought
of my dad. Hell be home in a couple of hours, I
thought. Ill call him and maybe hell be more reasonable. Maybe he can be handled.

sonality, or the anti-Scientologist. There are certain characteristics and mental attitudes which cause
about 20% of a race to oppose violently any betterment
activity or group, Hubbard had written. Such people,
he said, cause untold trouble for betterment groups
such as Scientology. The anti-social personality supports only destructive groups and rages against and attacks any constructive or betterment group. Of
course, I thought. My father works for the government. According to Hubbard, the government is completely suppressive. I had listened to tapes where he
had told us all about the suppressive agencies in the
federal government: the IRS, the FDA, the FBI, the
National Institute for Mental Health. The government,
explained Hubbard, was a suppressive organization that
controlled this country. But the real truth was that
behind this government was an invisible government
that most people didnt know about. It consisted of a
secret group of twelve extremely powerful men who
were the real source of power in the world. They were
particularly connected with the World Health Organization in Europe. And they pulled the strings that
ran this country. And the people who worked for the
government, like my father, were just minor suppressives that were attracted to this kind of work because it
was consistent with their real inner evil natures.
I stared at my father with amazement. My eyes were
being opened. Now I understood why there had been
so much trouble in our family. My father was, as Hubbard put it, a blazing SP.
Look, Im not coming home. And I dont want
you to cause any trouble for Scientology. That would
just get us both in trouble. I looked at him coldly. I
got up from the table. Im going back to the center. I
cant stay here with you. Im sorry you wasted your
trip but you did that on your own determinism, and I
cant take responsibility for it (more Scientologytalk).
I walked out the door, not looking back at him.
I ran back to the center, and burst into Aileens office. Aileen, my dad is threatening to sue Scientology. He says its a cult. He wanted me to go back
home with him, I said, obviously upset.
She looked at me, concerned. Why? What happened? Tell me exactly what happened and what he
said.
I related the whole event to her. She looked troubled.
Im afraid Ill have to write up a knowledge report
about this, she told me. It seems that your father
could be a source of trouble for us. Youll have to
work this out with Ethics. And until its handled, Im
afraid you wont be able to go back on course. But the
first thing that you need to do is to go and report every-

46

Star Trek for Real

was up against. My mother had no idea of the situation

she was in, that she was PTS to a deadly SP.
Yes, he just got in. Im so disappointed that you
didnt come back with him. But you need to know that
we love you and well always be here for you.
Could I just talk to Dad?
He came on the line. Margery, were not going to
give up without a fight. You tell Scientology that they
will hear from my lawyer. Im not going to stand for
this nonsense.
OK, Dad. Im sorry you feel that way. Tell Mom
goodbye for me, I said, then quickly hung up the
phone.
Theres no going back now, I thought. I went back
to the house and spent a sleepless night tossing to and
fro, my sleep haunted with nightmares about my father.
In one dream, he had a gun and was standing outside
the center shooting through the windows.
The next morning I walked over to center and went
directly to the Ethics office.
I need to disconnect from my family, I stated
calmly. Theres no hope of ever dealing rationally
with my father. Hes insane on the subject of Scientology. Hubbard was sure right about SPs. They hate
what we are doing to save this planet.
So what do I have to do? I looked across at the
teenage Master at Arms.
Heres what you have to write, he replied, handing me a blank sheet of paper and a pen. He began to
dictate. I am writing to notify you that I hereby disconnect from you. He paused as I wrote. I want no
further contact with you at any time or under any circumstances. This decision is irrevocable. I wrote
down exactly what he said.
Now sign it, he commanded. Then he handed me
an envelope. You can make this out and we will mail
it for you.
I addressed the envelope.
Thats all there is to it, he said matter of factly.
I will give you a form to get you back on course.
Youre going to have to push to get your stats back
up.
I know, I answered. But Ill do it. Thursday is
still three days away. I walked back to the courseroom. Just like that, I thought. I tried to comprehend
the fact that I would never see or write to my parents
ever again. Somehow, it didnt seem real. I couldnt
quite imagine life without mom and dad to fall back on.
Well, I guess Im on my own now, I thought. I
know I did the right thing. I just wish I felt better
about it.
For a moment I had a fleeting thought to run back up
the street to the store to call my dad and ask him for the
ticket back home.

But in my mind the decision had already been made.

My father had taken on the color of the enemy. I no
longer thought of him as father. All these years, I
thought, I had been living with an SP and not known it.
This explained all the conflict in my family. And by
virtue of being married to an SP, my mother was by
(Scientology) definition a PTS, or Potential Trouble
Source. And both of them were now endangering my
Scientology career.
If they didnt agree to back off, I thought, I will have
to disconnect. I have to get back on course. Already
my stats for the week are crashed, I thought dismally,
wondering what ethics condition I would be assigned
for the week.
I lay on my bed, thinking back over all the years
with my father. I thought of the twelve characteristics
Hubbard lists in the Ethics book as being characteristic
of an SP.
1. He or she speaks only in broad generalities.
Yeah, I thought, my dad is always talking about they
this and they that.
2. Such a person deals mainly in bad news, critical
remarks, invalidation and general suppression.
Bullseye, I thought. My father had a definite tendency
to be critical. I thought of all the times he came home
complaining about his co-workers, criticizing what
they had done during the day.
3. The anti-social personality alters, to worsen
communication ... passes on bad news. Again I
thought of times when my dad told us less than flattering stories about the imbeciles he worked with.
4.
He does not respond to treatment or
psychotherapy. Once, I remembered, my mother had
tried to get my dad into counseling to work on their
marriage and he refused to go.
5. Surrounding such a personality we find cowed
or ill associates or friends who, when not driven actually insane, are yet behaving in a crippled manner in
life, failing, not succeeding. My mother is always
sick, I thought, and what about my problems. And my
sister is always having trouble in school.
I didnt need to read any further. There was no
doubt in my mind. My dad was an SP. And now he
was trying to interfere with me trying to help Scientology clear the planet. I began to feel angry. Im not
going to let him do this to me, I thought. Im going to
get ethics in on my family. If I have to disconnect,
then thats what Ill do.
I waited for the hours to pass. I was dreading the
call. Finally I walked down to the convenience store a
couple of blocks away and placed the call. My mother
answered the phone. She sounded cheerful. Hi, dear.
We were just thinking about you.
Is Dad there? I asked her coldly. I knew what I

47

The Road to Xenu

But I quickly pushed the thought from my mind.

Family, I thought to myself, is the second
dynamic. The Sea Org is the third dynamic. Then I
repeated to myself the phrase I was to hear many times
in the coming years. The greatest good for the
greatest number of dynamics, I thought. Scientology must survive. My relationship with my family is
not important. All that is important is clearing the
planet.
I cant think about them any more, I told myself as I

approached the center. They are no longer my family.

Scientology is my family. And this is my real home.
I walked resolutely into the courseroom. I was more
determined than ever to do well in Scientology.
I didnt think about my family again for a long time.
I read the letters from my mother that would arrive
periodically at the center, but I would throw them in
the trash, feeling no emotion whatsoever.
I had passed my first initiation.
I was now a real Scientologist.

48

Chapter 9

Death on the Titanic

wins and thanking him for his contributions to the survival of mankind.
It was 1:30 AM before the briefing was dismissed
and I walked wearily back to the house. I had no
memory of going to bed.
Fatigue was a fact of life, a small sacrifice made by
each of us daily to the exalted goal of planetary salvation. I didnt seem to dream any more, I realized one
morning. Sleep had become an experience in pure unconsciousness, much like the experience of being anesthetized for an operation. There was no longer any
awareness of elapsed time between the act of falling
asleep and the event of waking up in the morning.
An unfamiliar sound drifted into my consciousness.
A soft and rhythmic tapping against the window. Rain.
It hadnt rained for weeks. I looked out at the somber
sky which perfectly reflected my mood.
Fear permeated the outer limits of awareness.
Ethics. I had already had two warnings placed in my
student file for being late to class, and the third one, I
knew, would mean certain disciplinary action.
I reached for my sweater and made my way down
the hall to the bathroom. The door was locked and two
people stood ahead of me in line. Just my luck. I
accepted fate and took my place behind a man I hadnt
seen before. No one was speaking. I assumed that
everyone was too tired to attempt a morning greeting.
Besides, I had noticed, Scientologists tended not to
waste words. Communication was restricted to the
functional, without the luxury of bourgeoisie social
niceties. And under the circumstances, I thought,
somehow good morning seemed hypocritical.
House rules alloted us a strict three minute limit on
morning bathroom time. Showers had to be taken at
breaks or during a time of less critical bathroom
demand. I splashed cold water on my face in an attempt to stimulate myself into consciousness.
The usual breakfast madness was in progress in the
small kitchen as an assorted two dozen or so inhabitants of the house scurried to make it to post or
course before the strict eight oclock deadline.
Just coffee, please, I instructed Glenda, who was
currently serving as Kitchen I/C (in charge). I
managed to oversleep again. Im starving, but Ill be

No sooner had I gone to sleep than I heard the early

morning knock on my door. 0700, time to get up.
Unwillingly, I forced my eyes open. Get up, I
thought, or youll fall back asleep. I closed my eyes
and snuggled down under the thin blanket I had been
given to keep out the chill of the California winter
nights. Just two minutes, I bargained. For two minutes
the overwhelming temptation to sleep battled with the
fear of Ethics. Finally, fear won out. Last night had
been an unusually late night. Two missionaires from
the ship had arrived yesterday at the center, dressed in
starched dress whites with gold braided ropes hanging from their shoulders. At eleven PM, after the last
of the public students had drifted out the door following the customary sharing of our wins after
class, the twenty or so staff members from the center
gathered in the front of the auditorium for a briefing by
the missionaires.
The tech is going in, they told us. We are winning on every continent. The stats world wide are in
Affluence (a high Ethics condition). We are getting
Command Intention (what Ron wants) in all over the
globe. Clearing this planet becomes more a reality
with each passing day.
Two new centers had been established in South
America in the past month, we were told. A new center in Germany, and an Org in Italy. The stats for
raw meat PCs (new people into Scientology) was
almost double what it had been at this same time last
year.
They told stories about Ron and life aboard the
ship. Hubbard was doing his research on the upper
OT levels, we were told. Although it had been a
strenuous experience for him it was rumored that
research into these levels was extremely hazardous,
and that anyone venturing into these areas prior to
Hubbard had met with death. He had come through it
shaken up, but alive.
There were all the customary rituals, the cheers to
Ron as we saluted his picture, the long ovations at each
announcement of success, and the usual hard line to all
of us to push our stats even higher during the coming
months. Stationery was handed out for each of us to
write a personal letter to Ron, telling him about our

49

The Road to Xenu

nodded in acknowledgement and quickly immersed

myself in my checksheet. Just a little more reading,
then Ill be able to audit, I looked in satisfaction at the
pages I had filled with my initials as I completed the
items.
Aileen and Antonio had gone away on a mission
together. They were rumored to be helping to set up a
new Celebrity Center in Canada. I felt abandoned
when they left, but at least I would be able to make lots
of progress on the course while they were gone.
I turned to the next item on my checksheet. It was
an essay called The Evolution of Man.
Man, Hubbard began,

late to course.
Here, she handed me a slightly stale store-bought
cinnamon roll. Youve still got a few minutes.
Everyones late this morning. Hubbard must have discovered a substitute for sleep. The missionaires were
down here at seven AM asking for breakfast. When I
told them theyd have to wait, they put me in a condition of Liability. I already had too much to do today
as it was, she grumbled resentfully.
Yeah, but you dont argue with a missionaire from
the ship, Gerry looked up at his wife. Unless youre
asking for trouble. I heard that they put the whole staff
at the L.A. Org on beans and rice until they get their
stats up. And they handed out 72-hour amends projects
to five of the execs. I saw them out in back of the Org
yesterday with grey rags around their arms, painting
the annex. Circles under their eyes, beards. Three
days with no sleep. It must be rough. They were a
sorry lot, he chuckled.
I liked this couple. Gerry was a part time character
actor in Hollywood and Glenda had managed somehow
to finagle the kitchen job so that she could care for her
two month old son herself. Two months ago she had
delivered the baby in the front room across the hall
from me, assisted only by Gerry and a midwife. I had
never witnessed a home birth before, and was full of
awe for Glenda.
I wouldnt be on the ship for anything, remarked
Jon, a quiet, uniformed twenty year old from Denmark.
He was a Class 8 Auditor, the highest trained person in
the house and therefore respected. Ive heard theyve
been throwing people overboard every morning. Part
of a new Ethics crackdown. And putting people down
in the bilges for a week at a time. Im just glad Im
here, he said gratefully.
Why would they throw people overboard? I
asked him incredulously. That sounds dangerous.
I guess they throw them a life preserver once
theyre in, he answered as he gulped down the last of
his coffee. But its dangerous for sure. If you hit the
strake on the side of the ship as you go under you
might as well kiss this life goodbye. Id rather take my
chances with the good old L.A. smog. He deposited
his cup in the sink and saluted as he headed out the
door. Later, everyone.
Yeah, me too, I swallowed the last of the stale
roll with a gulp of coffee. Ive got exactly thirty
seconds to get my body into a chair next door. Thanks
for the coffee, Glenda. I sprinted out the door and
around the corner to the center.
Just in time. I made it into my seat just as the Supervisor called her customary, Thats it. Start of
course. She gave me a warning look. Thats cutting it close, Wakefield. Better get your ethics in. I

evidently began as a monocell, without intercellular

relation problems. He developed by counter-efforts to a
degree which banded together many cells with one
central control center. He joined then with a second
control center and, dual, evolved organically into Man.
The problems of the monocell by itself were strenuous
but uncomplicated, having relationship only with the
environment in its grossest form: pure MEST. These
problems included such phenomena as the explosion of
cosmic rays.

How is it, I wondered, that I can simultaneously understand and not understand everything that Hubbard
writes. I had learned not to ask questions. That would
only result in a word clearing session in which I
would have to look up every word in the bulletin while
hooked up to the E-meter, a very tedious affair. Better
to struggle in silence, I had learned by experience.
The problems of a cellular colony, Hubbard continued,
under one control center were yet similar to those of
the monocell. The protagonist had but one personality
and one antagonist, MEST. Vegetable and invertebrate
problems are found in this period.
Interpersonal relations, when in difficulty, have their
root in the elementary problems of the dual control
problems wherein the current control center confuses its
ancient problems with its partner center with the
problems the organism may have with other individuals
in the environment.
The evolution of Man presents many fascinating
aspects but all have basic simplicities. There are, essentially, only two sets of problems: The problems between
the control center of the mind and the elements; the
problem of the control center of the mind with its alternate control center.
An auditor need only resolve, in any case, the essential
basic confusions of the pre-clear in each of these two
sets.

I wanted desperately to yawn, but suppressed it. I

read back through the section again, looking up the
word protagonist. Well, I thought, it kind of
makes sense, I guess. I initialled the appropriate
space indicating that I had read the essay.
I looked surreptitiously around the classroom. Two

50

students were doing TR 0 in the far end of the room,

while two others had started their bullbaiting. One was
pretending an English accent.
I say, old chap, he said, clapping his partner on
the shoulder, do yknow where I could git a bit o
arse? Its been a bloody long time. His partner
smiled. Flunk for smiling. Start! he said sternly.
I say, old chap, he began again.
My friend Kris was absorbed in an elaborate clay
demo. Two other students were listening to tapes.
There were another dozen and a half people studying
silently at the two long tables where I was sitting.
I began to fantasize about being in bed, snug under
my blanket, and of being able to sleep just for once for
as long as I wanted. I was remembering rainy mornings at school when my earliest class was at ten AM
and I had been able to sleep in until nine. As I thought
back, it seemed an unbelievable luxury. My head
jerked back. I had actually started to fall asleep. I dug
my fingernails into my palms, trying to will myself into
consciousness. I turned the page in my checksheet.
History of Man. A book by Hubbard. I turned to the
Foreword and began to read.

Death on the Titanic

3. The Photon Converter, in which we, as algae and

plankton begin taking their living from photons
from the sun and minerals in the sea.
4. The Helper, which is mitosis, or cell splitting,
in which one half of the split cell tries to help the
other half to survive.
5. The Clam. Which when restimulated in a person
may cause problems in the opening and closing of
the jaw.
6. The Weeper. A bivalve, and the first creature to
use the land. An important stage in our evolution.
The Weeper later develops into the eyes of a person, and the pumping out of salt water in the
Weeper is the basic reason why we cry.
Further stages in our evolutionary past include the
Birds, Being Eaten, the Sloth, the Ape, Piltdown Man,
and the Caveman.
In contrast, are the past events in the history of the
theta being. They include:
1. The Jack-in-the-Box.
An invader trick, a
method of trapping thetans. The thetan is given
a box of pictures and when he replaces the lid,
the box explodes violently. People with this incident in restimulation, says Hubbard, tend to be
very curious about cereal boxes.

This is a cold-blooded and factual account of your last

sixty trillion years.

I blinked and looked again. Yes, thats what it said.

I continued to read.

2. The Halver. A half-light, half-black gun which

shot out a wave. Half of this wave, usually the
black, hit the right side of the victims body; the
other half, in the same explosion, usually the light
side, hit the left side of the victim.

The test of any knowledge is its usefulness. Does it

make one happier and more able? By it and with it, can
he better achieve his goals?
This is useful knowledge. With it the blind again see,
the lame walk, the ill recover, the insane become sane
and the sane become saner. By its use the thousand
abilities man has sought to recover become his once
more.
Gravestones, ancient vital statistics, old diplomas and
medals will verify in every detail the validity of many
lifetimes. Your E-meter will tell you.

The Halver was rigged up with religious symbols and it truly lays in religion.
3. Facsimile One.
An incident in everyones
bank, or reactive mind. Originally laid down
in this galaxy about one million years ago. In it,
a push-pull wave is played over him (the
preclear), first on his left side, then on his right
and back and forth from side to side, laying in a
bone deep somatic. When this treatment is done,
the preclear is dumped in scalding water, then immediately in ice water. Then the preclear is put in
a chair and whirled around.

The book, I discovered as I read, was divided between a description of the events in the past track of
the genetic entity, and the events in the past track of
the thetan, or soul. The genetic entity referred to those
incidents which were supposedly recorded at a cellular
level in the persons body. The events of the theta
being were the memories of the person himself, as a
soul.
Some of the past events that are common, according
to Hubbard, to all of us on a cellular level are:
1. The Atom. The very first state of being of physical life, described by Hubbard as a condition of
motion, with the preclear in the center, with rings
of motion traveling around him.

When this incident is run, or audited out, Hubbard claims, it will eradicate such things as
asthma, sinus trouble, chronic chills and a host of
other ills.
4. Before Earth. An incident in which the thetan is
summoned before a council, is frowned upon,
and then sent elsewhere than where he is. The
effect is to make the person a more obedient
colonist.

2. The Cosmic Impact, in which cosmic rays enter

the body in large numbers and occasionally explode in the body.

5. The Joiner, in which a person is packed in

51

The Road to Xenu

with other souls by electronics..

But what if hes really serious about this stuff? I

mean, I knew we were supposed to come from apes,
but I have trouble believing I was once a clam.
It might have something to do with the upper
levels, she looked around furtively for the Supervisor.
Its OK, shes doing some paperwork at her desk,
I assured her. I just feel confused. I know Hubbard
is Source. And I believe what he says is true. But this
stuff is wild.
Maybe theres some reason he had for writing it
that we dont know about. Anyway, I decided, the only
thing thats important is the auditing. The tech works.
When you start auditing, youll see.
The Supervisor looked up from her desk and surveyed the class. I quickly looked down at my pack and
signalled to Kris not to talk.
I wish Antonio were here, I thought wistfully. I
know he could explain this to me. He always knows
the answers to everything. I made a mental note to ask
him about the book as soon as he returned to the center.
The next few days on the course were spent in learning to use the E-meter. Since I didnt have a meter of
my own, I had already arranged with Antonio to use his
while he was gone. Eventually, I would have to somehow come up with the money to buy my own meter.
On the E-meter drills, I learned how to keep the
needle on the dial by moving the Tone Arm to compensate for the needle swings off the dial. I learned how to
correctly set the sensitivity knob for each person I was
auditing, as different people might have different sensitivities to the meter. People who didnt read well
on the meter required a higher sensitivity setting than
those who did read well.
Another part of my E-meter training consisted of
learning to differentiate among the various different
types of reads. When the needle swung sharply to
the right, it was known as a fall. This was a sign
that (electrical) charge was coming off the PCs
case, in other words that they were discharging unwanted mental tension.
A very long fall to the right was known as a long
fall blowdown. Other falls could be either short
falls or long falls. The difference in the reads
were significant to the auditor. Locating items the
preclear needed to run was often determined by the
length of the fall of the needle on the dial of the meter.
When the needle swung to the left, it was called a
rise. A rise meant that the person being audited was
actually keying in or accumulating mental mass.
His case was becoming more solid. If a persons
TA or Tone Arm setting was too high at the start of
the session, that meant that he or she had something in
restimulation, and might need to go through a review
session before being audited on the current action, to

6. The Ice Cube, in which the being is packed in

ice, taken to a new area and is usually dumped in
the ocean. When this incident is in restimulation, the person may suffer from chronically cold
hands and feet.
7. Between Lives. The familiar between lives implants. In this incident, the person reports in,
is given a strong forgetter implant and is then shot
down to a body just before it is born.
About these implants, Hubbard writes, The
report station for most has been Mars. Some
women report to stations elsewhere in the solar
system. There are occasional incidents about
Earth report stations. The report stations are
protected by screens. The last Martian report station was established in the Pyrenees.
8. The Emanator. This is a large, glowing body of
radioactive material which hangs magically in thin
air, a sort of god, an all-knower. Its outpulse puts
one into a trance.
I was getting a headache. I looked up from the book
and around at the class. I wanted to ask someone about
what I was reading, but I would have to wait for break,
when I was safely outside the ever-present scrutiny of
the Supervisor.
The other incidents on the theta track, I continued to
read, were the Double Body, Theta Traps, the Body
Builder, the Jiggler, the Whirler, the Bouncer, the Spinner, the Rocker, the Boxer, the Faller, the Education,
and the Fly Trap. Of this last, Hubbard wrote:
It was of a gummy material. The thetan who got into
it punched and fought at this material until he was
psychotic enough to react to the physical universe laws
of responding to motions. He was taken out of this trap
by a crew of do-gooders who had caught him for his
own good and who trained him in religious sweetness
and syrup until they considered him fit to be part of their
group.

I closed the book and looked around the room. Kris

was sitting across from me at the table. The Supervisor
was at her desk occupied with paperwork. I knew that
we werent allowed to talk on course unless we were
doing a checkout. To be caught talking might mean a
pink sheet to Ethics.
I reached over and tapped Kriss study pack. She
looked up. I held up History of Man so she could see
the title.
Did you read this? I whispered.
Yeah, she whispered back.
What did you think of it? Is he for real?
She nodded her head. Yeah, I guess. I thought it
was pretty weird too. I figure its probably just some
kind of analogy or symbolism or something.

52

Death on the Titanic

Yesterday. On course. I had a headache.

All right. How long did it last?
About three hours. Most of the afternoon. I was
feeling nauseous, too.
OK. Move to the beginning of the incident and tell
me when you are there.
Yeah, Im there, he responded, his eyes still
closed.
OK. Now scan through to the end of the incident, I dictated the next command.
OK, he said after a long silence.
All right. Now tell me what happened.
Well, I was just sitting in class and I started to get
this same kind of headache Ive been having lately. It
just feels like a shooting pain in back of my eyes. I
was having trouble seeing right. And I was sick to my
stomach.
I had him visualize the incident again, then asked
him if the picture was erasing or becoming more solid.
Solid, he replied.
OK. Is there an earlier similar incident containing
a sharp pain behind the eyes? I waited while he mentally searched for another picture. After a couple of
minutes, he recalled another headache several days earlier. We ran this according to the same exact procedure.
All auditing must be very precisely done. Any
deviations from the exact procedures written down by
Hubbard are known as squirreling and are an Ethics
offense. Continued squirreling could result in expulsion from Scientology and in ones being declared a
Suppressive Person.
After going through several similar memories
Tommy had of headaches in this lifetime, I asked him
for yet another earlier incident.
He was silent for a long time.
Well, I dont know. I seem to be looking at a
picture of a grassy field.
All right, I acknowledged him. When was it?
About sixteen hundred years ago, he said, opening his eyes.
How long did it last? I asked.
Not long. About half an hour, he closed his eyes
again.
The incident turned out to be a time when he was a
monk in ancient Italy. He had had his eyes put out for
heretical beliefs.
After going through this incident I asked if there was
an earlier incident. I was beginning to wonder when
we were going to reach the end of the session. It was
rumored that sessions sometimes lasted for eight to ten
hours or longer.
Tommy located an earlier incident. It was a time
several million years ago when, in an implant, he had
had a metal band put around his head which was then

find out what he was upset about.

Other reads of the needle included a theta bop,
which was a very rapid back and forth motion of the
needle; a rock slam, a distinct read which usually
indicated that the person being audited had evil purposes or was an SP; and a dirty needle, a jagged,
irregular motion of the needle that usually meant the
preclear had withholds, that he was withholding
something from the auditor.
I practiced with the E-meter for several days, running make-believe sessions with a large doll propped in
the chair across from me until I was completely comfortable with using the very precise Dianetic commands, while simultaneously handling the E-meter.
Finally, I was ready to audit my first preclear.
I was assigned to audit Tommy, another student on
the course. He was an artist who wrote poetry illustrated by detailed and intricate line drawings done in
a very fine black pen. He was very popular at the
center and I felt honored to be his auditor.
We walked back to the house where I had reserved
one of the two small rooms upstairs used for auditing.
I already had the table set up with the E-meter ready in
the middle of the table. On my side of the table were
the paper and pens I would be using to keep a running
log of the session to be submitted to the C/S (Case
Supervisor) after the session.
We sat down across from each other. Tommy
reached for the small V-8 cans connected to the leads
attached to the meter. He looked at me smiling.
Have you had plenty of rest? I asked him. It was
always necessary to make sure that the preclear had
plenty of rest and wasnt hungry before actually starting the session.
He nodded.
Are you hungry?
Nope.
All right. This is the session, I announced. I
wrote down the starting time of the session on my
worksheet.
The beginning of the session was easy. I had to ask
him a series of questions from a sheet printed in green
called appropriately a Green Form. The answers of
the preclear to the questions on this form would determine what to run in the session.
As we completed the form, Tommy revealed that he
had recently suffered from headaches in which he
would feel a sharp pain behind his eyes. This turned
out to be the correct item to run.
I looked at Tommy with my very best TR 0. Locate an incident containing a sharp pain behind your
eyes, I commanded. He closed his eyes. OK, he
answered.
Good. When was it?

53

The Road to Xenu

nounced, not looking up. The boy stood up and looked

at me shyly.
My parents brought me here, he said. They are
in the Sea Org. I have a problem with wetting my bed.
They said that you were going to help me. I was
surprised, but I managed to smile at him. How old
are you David? I asked him.
Eight, he replied.
I looked at the Supervisor uncertainly. How can I
audit someone whos only eight years old? I asked
her.
Where in the tech did it say that you couldnt audit
someone that age? she responded icily.
Nowhere, I guess, I faltered, but...
I suggest you get your ethics in, she said sternly,
and take your preclear into session.
I looked down at David. Well, OK. Cmon David.
Lets go see what happens. He walked silently beside
me on the way to the house.
David, how long have your parents been in the Sea
Org? I asked.
As long as I can remember. I think since I was a
baby. My older sister is in the Commodores Messenger Org on the ship. She sends me post cards.
I had heard about the group of teenage girls and boys
who served as Hubbards own personal aides on the
ships. According to the rumors, they were being
groomed for executive positions in the organization.
How about you, David? Do you go to school?
I go to the Scientology school. We learn TRs and
all sorts of other things. In four more years Ill be old
enough to join the Sea Org too, he answered. Im
going to work on the ship and be a famous auditor. Ill
get to travel all over the world. He kicked a stone on
the sidewalk.
Do you get to see your parents a lot?
Sometimes. When theyre here. A lot of the time
theyre gone. Mostly I stay with the other kids in a
house by the AO. Thats where my parents work when
theyre here, he answered.
He looked up at me. Is it OK for you to audit
me? he asked anxiously.
Yes, I guess so. Have you had auditing before?
Oh, yes. Lots of times. Sometimes my dad audits
me. Whenever I get sick I get a session. Or when I
have to get my ethics in, he said matter-of-factly.
We reached the house. As I hung the In Session.
Do Not Disturb sign on the outside and closed the
door, David took his seat at the table and picked up the
cans. He sat patiently and waited for me to start the
session.
I asked him the preliminary questions about sleep
and food. OK, David, I said, adjusting the meter.
This is the session.

slowly squeezed tighter and tighter causing a sharp

pain in his head. Finally, at the end of this incident,
Tommy opened his eyes and began to smile at me.
Maybe thats why Ive been getting all these
headaches, he said hopefully. All this reading about
all these implants must have been keying in my
headaches. Thats really neat. Maybe now theyll
stop.
Great, I smiled back at him. Id like to indicate
to you that your needle is floating. End of session.
He put down the cans and stretched.
That felt good, he said, yawning. Thanks a
lot.
I turned off the meter, and told Tommy he could go
over to the Examiner as I had to write up a final report
of the session. It was necessary for the preclear to visit
the Examiner after each session. The Examiner would
check his TA (tone arm position) and needle action
after the session to make sure that he had a floating
needle and that the session had gone well. The
Examiners report was part of the paperwork that had
to be submitted to the C/S.
I wrote up the session. I filled out a session
cover sheet, carefully noting down the Tone Arm position at the end of the session and the ending time of the
session.
I walked over to the center to pick up the exam
report and to turn my folder in to the C/S. What a
relief, I thought. Everything went just the way it was
supposed to. I was happily anticipating the Very
Well Done I would get from the C/S (all sessions
were graded in this manner).
I returned to class and gave Kris a thumbs up sign.
It was easy, I told her.
See. I told you. Wait til you do more. Its a
blast, she whispered. We both returned to our reading.
On the next day I audited Tommy on his feeling of
nausea. The basic incident on this chain turned
out to be another implant millions of years ago when
he was being spun around in some kind of device while
subjected to electronic beams. I turned this session in
and received my second Very Well Done. I was
feeling proud.
I reported to the center for my third and, hopefully,
last auditing session. If this session was successful, I
would be able to graduate from the course. I would
then be a full-fledged Hubbard Standard Dianetic
Auditor, able to audit paying PCs and help make
money for the center.
I walked over to the Supervisors desk for my next
assigned preclear. There was a young boy sitting in a
chair next to her desk.
This is David, your preclear, the Supervisor an-

54

Death on the Titanic

waited for the C/S to come back on my session.

Half an hour later, the Supervisor called out in a loud
voice, Thats it everyone. Margery has just passed
the Dianetics Course. She is now a Hubbard Standard
Dianetic Auditor!
Immediately there was applause from the class. I
stood up. I knew I would have to make the obligatory
speech.
It was a lot easier than I thought it would be, I
said, trying to say something positive, and not express
the misgivings I was feeling inside. I know I have a
lot of exciting sessions ahead. Im looking forward to
being an auditor, to helping Clear the planet. More
applause. I sat down.
The Supervisor came over. Your next step is Success, she said, handing me a pink sheet on which she
had printed my name and the words: Routing Form to
Success.
I made my way up the hall to a door with a sign
printed Success and Certificates.
I knocked. Beverly, a very large woman and one of
the staff workers at the center, handed me a piece of
paper with a picture at the top of a dove flying through
clouds. On the top of the paper were the words in large
blue script: SUCCESS STORY.
Fill this out, Beverly instructed me. You have
to do this after you finish each course.
What happens if someone doesnt want to fill it
out? I asked her curiously.
Then they have to go back on course to see what it
was that they didnt understand, she answered. If
theyre not happy with the course, it means they had a
M/U (misunderstood word) somewhere on the course.
They cant graduate until they find it.
Oh. I just wondered. I looked down at the paper.
I had some wins on this course, I wrote. The
auditing was easier than I thought. I feel good knowing I can help people with their problems. I handed
the paper to Beverly.
OK. Youre all finished here. You can come and
pick up your certificate later this afternoon. Now
youll be ready to route onto your next course. Ill take
you down to the Registrar. With some difficulty she
got up out of her chair.
Within ten minutes, I was signed up and given my
study pack for the next course, Level 0.
I was on my way. At this rate I thought optimistically, I could probably make Class 6 within a year. I
went back to my chair. No one looked up.
Later that afternoon I went back to Success to
retrieve my certificate. It looked very impressive. My
name had been printed in gold script. There was an
official looking seal which had been stamped and
printed with the date. I looked with satisfaction at the

I did an assessment to see what somatics were

associated with his wetting the bed. A wet feeling
turned out to be the largest reading item.
Locate an incident containing a wet feeling, I told
him gently.
He closed his eyes. Hes done this before, I realized.
In response to my questions, he remembered several
times in the past when he had wet the bed, each one
happening earlier in time.
I asked him for an even earlier incident. He had his
eyes closed and appeared to be concentrating.
I see a ship, he said. People are running all
over. Theyre screaming.
When was it? I asked him calmly.
A long time ago, he answered. It was before I
was born. About fifty years ago, I guess.
How long did it last?
It lasted a couple of hours. The ship is sinking.
Everyones running around and screaming.
I took him through the incident using the exact commands I had been taught. Tell me what happened, I
said, as he sat with his eyes still closed.
Im in this little room. Im in a crib. Theres water
coming up around me. Im getting wet. I hear all these
people screaming in the halls. I wonder where my
parents are. Pretty soon the water comes all the way up
over my head. He opened his eyes and looked at me
sadly.
I was a little baby on the ship and I drowned, he
said. I think it was the Titanic.
All right, I acknowledged him. I asked him if
there was an earlier incident.
No, just that one, he said decisively. I was a
baby on the Titanic and I drowned. I took him
through the incident again.
Thats all there is. It was me. My parents went
away and left me in this room on the Titanic and I
drowned.
Never invalidate the preclears data, was one of the
inviolable rules of the Auditors Code.
So I ended the session. David was smiling at me.
Does this mean I wont ever wet my bed again?
he asked me.
I guess well just have to wait and see, I said. I
didnt want him to sense the doubts I was having in my
own mind.
Lets just go back to the center and you can see the
Examiner.
A few minutes later, David sat in the chair near the
Supervisor and waited for one of the teenage aides at
the Org to come and walk him back home. I took my
seat on the course and watched as he left, holding the
hand of the young aide. I was feeling vaguely uneasy
about something, but I didnt know what it was. I

55

The Road to Xenu

tangible proof of my first achievement as a Scientologist.

Many years later, back home in Michigan, I would
spread all my hard won Scientology certificates out on
the bed. They looked so official. Unfortunately, as I
was to learn on that cold February day twelve years
later, in the wog world my certificates had absolutely no value.

One night, I took all the certificates, and burned

them one by one in a fire my dad had built in the living
room fireplace.
It was a hard lesson in relative cultural values.
I never did see young David again.
I would think of him from time to time. I wonder
if he still wets his bed? I never did find out.

56

Chapter 10

Find Out Who You Really Are

Guardians Office, the notorious private CIA-like

branch of Scientology. Why?
Its just a tax matter, he reassured me. It wont
really change the way anything works. Its just a way
to deal with the suppressive government. I was
satisfied with the explanation. It was consistent with a
policy from Ron which came out soon afterward in
which he said, Scientology 1970 is being planned on
a religious organization basis throughout the world.
This will not upset in any way the usual activities of
any organization. It is entirely a matter for accountants
and solicitors.
Everyone on staff was required to become a minister
in the Church of Scientology, and we were given exactly one week to do so. The list of qualifications to
become a minister of Scientology was given in an early
policy by Hubbard:

Hours became days, the days weeks, and the weeks

evolved inevitably into months. Scientology in Los
Angeles, in stark contrast to the seediness of its surroundings, was prospering. Each week new celebrities
from Hollywood were lured into the life at Celebrity
Center. Studios for the artists were sectioned off in the
front part of the building. The auditorium on Monday
and Thursday evenings became the setting for the
popular Poetry and Coffee by Candlelight talent
shows. The stats, we were informed at the weekly
Monday morning staff briefings, were rising steadily
week after week. I suffered through and survived my
first hot and smoggy L.A. summer. Noxious poisons
mixed into the morning mists hung in the air, becoming
more concentrated as the day wore on, turning the
simple act of breathing into a difficult and disagreeable
experience.
Antonio and Aileen had since returned to the center,
and my family life was once again complete. Nestled
in the comfortable womb of Scientology, surrounded
by the extended family of the staff at the center, I happily enjoyed the moratorium from maturity and reality
which cult life provided.
A few things changed. Because of an influx of new
staff members, I was required to move to a different
staff house on nearby Beacon Street, a house in which
the general standard of living was greatly inferior to
anything I had ever experienced. I was allocated a
lumpy mattress on the floor in the large front room,
with a raggedy blanket for covering. A network of
clotheslines had been strung throughout the room to
separate the quarters for the married couples in the
back of the room from those of us who were single in
the front. The house was infested with roaches, and I
would find them crawling on the walls of the shower
when I would go to bathe in the evening. Yet the
hardships of life served only to add nobility to the
cause. The Sea Org, Hubbard told us over and over in
his tapes, was the elite of planet Earth. One day soon
we would come into our rightful inheritance of true
honor and recognition and material reward.
Sometime in the early 1970s, Scientology became a
Church.
A church? I asked a friend who worked in the

1. Must have a validated certificate in Scientology.

2. Must know the Church Creed verbatim.
3. Must be capable of giving the various ceremonies.
4. Must be able to pass an examination on the great
religions. [I was given a book to read titled Great
Religions of the World.]
5. Must have a knowledge of St. John.
6. Must be of good moral character.
7. Must be able to conduct a Sunday service for the
Church.
8. Must have moral and ethical codes by which he can live
and abide.

I had seen Antonio perform the Scientology christening ceremony many times at the center. It was very
informal. Hubbard gave a sample of a christening
ceremony at one of his early congresses. It went something like this:
[Hubbard] O.K. The parents of the child will
bring him front and center.
[To the audience] This is John and Anne
Smith. And James and Suzy Baker have decided
to become godparents.
[To the child] Here we go. How are you? All
right. Now your name is Zachary Smith. You got
that? Good. There you are. Did that upset you?

57

The Road to Xenu

Now do you realize that youre a member of the

HASI [Hubbard Association of Scientologists
International]? Pretty good, huh?
All right. Now I want to introduce you to your
father. This is Mr. Smith. And heres your
mother.
And now, in case you get into trouble and want
to borrow some quarters, heres Mr. Baker. See
him? Hes your godfather. Now, take a look at
him. Thats right. And heres Suzy Baker in case
you want a real good auditor. Got it?
Now you are suitably christened. Dont worry
about it, it could be worse. OK. Thank you very
much. Theyll treat you all right.
End of christening.

And in another bulletin, Hubbard announces that he

has been to Heaven three times. Heaven, of course, is
just another implant:
For a long while, some people have been cross with
me for my lack of cooperation in believing in a Christian
Heaven, God and Christ. I have never said I didnt
disbelieve in a Big Thetan, but there was something very
corny about Heaven et al. Now I have to apologize.
There was a Heaven. Not too unlike, in cruel betrayal,
the heaven of the Assassins in the 12th Century who,
like everyone else, dramatized the whole track implants....
Yes, Ive been to Heaven. And so have you. And you
have the pattern of its implants in the HCO Bulletin Line
Plots [Hubbards diagrams of implants]. It was complete with gates, angels and plaster saints and
electronic implantation equipment. So there was a
Heaven after all, which is why you are on this planet and
were condemned never to be free again until Scientology.

Antonio did his christenings pretty much like this.

So on the ministers course, I didnt have much trouble
reciting this or the other church ceremonies. I
passed the course easily within a week, became a full
fledged minister, and promptly forgot about the whole
thing.
Whatever convictions I had previously held about
religion were quickly overturned in Scientology. In his
tapes and bulletins, Hubbard took frequent digs at
Christianity. And, like all Scientologists, I believed
Hubbard to be an incarnation of Buddha. Didnt he tell
us this in his long poem, The Hymn of Asia :

The only difference that I noticed in the center after

we became a religion was that someone tacked up a
small sign over the back room in the center that read:
CHAPEL. On Sunday evenings, one of the staff
members who was designated the center Chaplain
would hold a short service in the chapel. The sermon
usually centered on some aspect of Scientology that
was helpful to mankind.
One day I complained to Aileen that it had been
many months since I had been given any auditing, although I did the TRs routinely with other staff members.
Aileen, as usual, quickly remedied this.
Margery?
I was relaxing on the log in the parking lot on my
mid-morning break. I looked up to see one of the
students on the course, a tall slim Spanish boy named
Louis. Like most of the other students, he was an
aspiring actor. I squinted up at him.
Yeah?
How would you like to get audited on your
grades?
Really? I was immediately interested.
Yes. Come with me.
He lead me into the courseroom and took me to the
back of the room where a large chart printed in red
hung on the wall. The chart read in big letters: THE
BRIDGE TO TOTAL FREEDOM. It was, I knew, the
map to all the levels in Scientology.
You are here. He pointed to a level near the
bottom that read Dianetics Completion.
And Im going to audit you up to here. He ran
his hand about a third of the way up the chart.
I moved forward to read the tiny letters on the chart.
The first level read, GRADE 0. Under the Ability
Gained column it said: ABILITY TO COMMUNI-

Everywhere you are

I can be addressed
But in your temples best
Address me and you address
Lord Buddha
Address Lord Buddha.
And you then address
Meitreya.

On the tapes he frequently told us that 2500 years

ago in the Vedas, Buddha had predicted that in 2500
years he would come again to earth as a red haired
religious leader. Who else, concluded Hubbard, could
it be?
Much later, on one of the advanced courses, I
learned the truth about Jesus Christ. Hubbard was
talking about implants:
Somebody on this planet, Hubbard wrote,
about 600 B.C. found some pieces of R6 [an
implant].
I dont know how they found it; either by watching
madmen or something. But since that time they have
used it. And it became what is known as Christianity.
The man on the cross. There was no Christ!
The Roman Catholic Church, through watching the
dramatizations of people picked up some little fragments
of R6.

58

10

Find Out Who You Really Are

understand the point of this.

OK, he answered. Ill repeat the auditing question. Who else are you willing to talk to?
OK, I thought to myself. This is what he wants
to do, Ill show him I can hold out as long as he can.
The Course Supervisor.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
The Ethics Officer.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
The Mayor of Los Angeles.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
The Queen of England. I was being hostile.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
The President of the United States.
All right. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Jesus Christ.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Mickey Mouse.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Donald Duck.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
I was starting to get really mad.
Louis, I pleaded. Could we stop this? I dont
know what to tell you. I dont know what you want. I
am getting frustrated.
He looked at me with his melting eyes, but no
change in his expression. Ill repeat the auditing
question. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Oh, I dont know. I can talk to anyone. Anyone.
What else can I tell you. Clark Gable, Betty Davis,
Marilyn Monroe, Robin Hood, Zorro, Bugs Bunny, my
sister, L. Ron Hubbard. Anyone. I can talk to
anyone.
Louis didnt say anything. He just watched me.
Thats it, isnt it? I started laughing. Thats
what Im supposed to say. Well, its true. I can talk to
anyone. I just never realized it before.
He looked at the meter. Id like to indicate that
your needle is floating, he informed me, smiling.
We walked back to the Examiner. This is wild,
Louis. Just by asking a question over and over you can
get someone to realize things? I cant wait for the rest
of the Levels.
Within half an hour we were back in session. He
started the process.
What are you willing to talk to me about? he
asked.
To you? I guess I could talk to you about Scientology.
OK. What else are you willing to talk to me
about?
About your mother. And your father.
Good. What else are you willing to talk to me
about?

CATE FREELY WITH ANYONE ON ANY SUBJECT.

Oh, I dont think I could ever do that. I looked at
Louis in discouragement. Ive never been very good
at talking to people. I just never know what to say.
Dont worry, he assured me. You will get
there, I promise you. That is, if you want to try.
Sure, I looked at him eagerly. When do we
start?
How about right now? he looked at me smiling.
We walked to his tiny apartment, a few blocks away.
His meter was already set up in the middle of the table.
I sat down and picked up the cans. He asked if I was
tired or hungry. No. Im fine.
All right. Im going to audit you on Grade zero, or
Communication. He looked across at me with shining dark black eyes and perfect TR 0. OK. Who are
you willing to talk to?
I looked at him. Who? He didnt answer. You
mean just anyone? Anyone I could talk to?
He didnt blink. Ill repeat the auditing question,
he said gently. Who are you willing to talk to?
I sat back in my chair and thought.
Well, I guess I can talk to my mother. I looked
up at him. Good. Now, who else are you willing to
talk to?
Who else?
I paused. My father.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Antonio.
Good. And who else are you willing to talk to?
Aileen.
OK. And who else are you willing to talk to?
Kris.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Beverly. I can talk to Beverly.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Louis still hadnt moved or blinked in the whole time
he had been asking me the question.
I dont know. I guess anyone in the center.
OK. Who else are you willing to talk to?
Well, I guess Id be willing to talk to you. I
looked across at him. What am I supposed to do here?
I wondered. I was getting the idea that I was supposed
to come to some kind of realization.
All right. Who else are you willing to talk to?
The mailman. I liked the friendly older man who
delivered the mail at the center every morning.
Good. Who else are you willing to talk to?
I was beginning to feel annoyed. I was just supposed to sit here and answer this question over and
over again?
Louis, I wanted to take a time out, am I supposed to think of something different here? I dont

59

The Road to Xenu

into Scientology. All Scientology centers at the time

were set up on the same basis: six divisions, each containing three subdivisions:
Division 1, called HCO (Hubbard Communications
Office), was divided into three subsections which were
in charge of the training of staff, communications, and
Ethics, respectively.
Division 2, called Dissem (for Dissemination), controlled the distribution of promo, supplying books and
other publications, and the routine flooding of mail to
all possible candidates for Org services.
Division 3, Organization, contained the branches in
charge of income, disbursements, and property.
Division 4, Tech (for Technical), contained three
departments which served to register incoming
preclears and deliver training and auditing to the
public.
Division 5, Qualifications, contained the department
of Examinations (the Examiner), the department of
Review (for people who were having problems in
auditing or training), and the department of Certificates
and Awards.
Division 6, Distrib (for Distribution), handled public
activities, training of FSMs (field staff members), and
the collection of Success Stories. This is the division
to which I was assigned.
I walked over to the Org and reported in to the Distribution Secretary, a tall, lean and very good looking
man named Jim. He introduced me to his assistant, a
bubbly short blonde named Martha. She was in charge
of giving all the lectures, which she was particularly
qualified to do by virtue of the fact that she spoke
fluent Spanish. She would be in charge of my training.
First, I had to take a short course which would teach
me to effectively disseminate Scientology. Before long
I found myself in a classroom with a study pack in my
hands.
Once again, I found myself studying the sage words
of Hubbard:

The weather.
OK. What else are you willing to talk to me
about?
Louis, I get it. I know what the answer is. I can
talk to you about anything, I told him excitedly,
realizing that I believed what I was saying. Good.
He looked down at the meter.
Dont tell me. I already know. My needle is floating. I looked over at him and laughed.
He turned off the meter, and we went back to the
center. He told me to wait in a chair in the courseroom.
Fifteen minutes later, the Supervisor called out,
Thats it! Margery has just become a Grade Zero
Release!
It was funny, I said in my speech. It wasnt
what I expected, but it worked.
I was given an Attestation of Release form to sign.
On the form it said GRADE 0. COMMUNICATION. I have achieved in auditing the ability to communicate freely with anyone on any subject.
There was a line for me to sign and date. Now I
could receive my certificate. During the following
days, Louis audited me on the rest of the Grades. Now
that I knew how the system worked, I passed each
Grade quickly.
On Grade 1, by answering commands such as Invent a problem you could have with another, and
Get the idea of solving a problem with that person, I
finally realized that I could solve all my own problems.
I signed the GRADE 1 attestation form that said
Through processing I have made to vanish current
problems in life and have the ability to recognize the
source of problems and make them vanish.
The rest of the grades were similar. Grade 2, called
RELIEF, had to do with guilt. At the end of Grade 2 I
realized that I didnt have to feel guilty about anything
in the past.
Grade 3 had to do with upsets with people, and
Grade 4 had to do with fixed and destructive patterns
of behavior. I learned that I often used my own imagined intellectual superiority to feel better than the
people around me. I posted my five signed and sealed
certificates on the tiny space of wall above my mattress. I gazed at them with intense satisfaction. Now I
was halfway to Clear!
One day shortly after that, Aileen called me into her
office. The L.A. Org is on a crash program to get
new people into the building and on course, she
peered over her glasses at me. I have been ordered to
send a staff person over there on a temporary basis to
work in Div (Division) 6. You are the only one I have
who is available to go.
I knew that Div 6 had to do with getting new people

Scientology is the science of knowing how to know

answers. It is an organized system of Axioms and
Processes which resolve the problems of existence.
This science is formed in the tradition of ten thousand
years of religious philosophy and considers itself a culmination of the searches which began with the Veda, the
Tao, Buddhism, Christianity, and other religions. Scientology is a gnostic faith in that it knows it knows.

Gnostic? I looked the word up in the New World

Dictionary. The definition seemed a bit circular.
Gnostic. Of the Gnostics or Gnosticism.

I looked down to the next definition.

Gnosticism. A system of belief combining ideas
derived from Greek philosophy, Oriental mysticism, and
ultimately, Christianity, and stressing salvation through
gnosis.

60

10

All right, I thought. So what is gnosis?

Find Out Who You Really Are

I nodded.
He came over and pulled up a chair beside me. He
pretended to be reading a book. I looked over at him.
He looked up and smiled.
Hi. Im Charlie. I noticed you were studying.
You must be a student, he continued to smile at me.
Yeah. Im in college. I have a big psychology
exam tomorrow. I looked back at my imaginary
book, trying to ignore him.
Oh, really. Are you interested in people? he
turned toward me.
Yeah. I guess so. I like to try to understand why
people act the way they do.
Thats very interesting. What did you say your
name was?
I didnt. But its Margery. Im on my way to Los
Angeles.
Say. If youre interested in people, you might be
interested in this book Im reading. Its a book about
Scientology. He turned the book over so I could see
the cover.
Whats Scientology? I asked. Ive never heard
of it.
Oh, its a wonderful new science about people.
Similar to psychology but actually more advanced.
Youd probably really like it. They have a new type of
counseling, called auditing. By learning to be an
auditor you can really help people with their
problems.
Are you sure its not some kind of weird cult? I
asked him suspiciously.
Oh, no. Its a science. Everything in it has been
fully and scientifically validated. Let me ask you a
question. Did you ever have a problem? I mean,
something you just couldnt seem to find an answer
to?
Sure, everyones got problems. You cant be alive
and not have a problem, I answered non-commitally.
Well, just give me an example of something in
your life that has been a real problem to you, he
pursued.
Well, I guess just talking to people, I answered.
Ive always had trouble just talking to people. Lots
of times I just cant think of the right thing to say.
Especially to guys, I confided.
What if I told you that there was a course you
could take which would enable you to be able to talk to
any person freely on any subject. Money back
guaranteed.
Youre kidding, I looked at him. Then I started
to laugh.
OK, you got me. That was too easy. Lets do it
again and this time Ill be tougher, I challenged him.
Fine.

Gnosis. Positive, intuitive knowledge in spiritual matters, such as the Gnostics claimed to have.

Exasperation. I needed an encyclopedia. But Scientology didnt have encyclopedias, only dictionaries. I
made a mental note. Ask Antonio later. I continued to
read:
Scientology can demonstrate that it can attain the goals
set for man by Christ, which are: Wisdom, Good Health,
and Immortality.

On lecturing to the public, Hubbard taught:

In addressing the general public at large, a Scientologist has a responsibility to give to the public.... information acceptable to them, which can be understood
by them, and which will send them away with the impression that the Scientologist who addressed them
knew definitely what he was talking about and that
Scientology is an unconfused, clear-cut subject.
A Scientologist, when addressing public groups, would
never under any circumstances confuse his communication line by engaging in a debate from the floor anyone
who would care to heckle him. By simply ignoring such
people, one continues to talk to the bulk of the people
who are themselves very interested. When anyone
causes an unseemly upset, it is rarely difficult to have
the person removed from the group. In other words,
either ignore him or remove him. Dont engage in a
debate with him.

The most important thing I learned in this new class

was how to get new people into Scientology. It was
simple, really. You used a simple, four-step drill
devised by Hubbard called the Dissemination Drill.
The four steps of the drill were:
1. CONTACT the individual. This is plain and simple. It
just means making a personal contact with someone,
whether you approach them or they approach you.
2. HANDLE. Handle is to handle any attacks, antagonism
challenge or hostility that the individual might express
towards you and/or Scientology.
3. SALVAGE. Definition of salvage: to save from
ruin. Before you can save someone from ruin, you
must find out what their own personal ruin is.
4. BRING TO UNDERSTANDING. Once the person is
aware of the ruin, you bring about an understanding that
Scientology can handle the condition found in step 3.

The Supervisor assigned me to twin on this

course with a tall middle-aged man with curly, dark
hair named Charlie.
I dont understand how to do this drill, I complained to Charlie.
OK. Watch. Its simple. Ill show you how to do
it, he offered. Lets set up the situation. Ill be a
Scientologist and lets say were both on an airplane
together and you are sitting next to me. My object is to
get you interested in Scientology and ready to sign up
for a course. Ready?

61

The Road to Xenu

doesnt need what we have to offer? Just go and bring

back some people.
I walked obediently back onto the street. I spotted
an elderly couple walking frailly toward me.
Hi, I greeted them. I would like to invite you to
a lecture on Scientology. Its free.
They said something to me in Spanish. I soon realized they didnt speak English. I motioned for them to
follow me. If I could just get them to Martha, she
could take over. I walked with them toward the Org,
gesturing wildly toward the building. I took them by
the arm and lead them up the steps.
Martha, I quickly located her. I dont speak
Spanish. Here, I brought her together with my two
bewildered captives.
She smiled and began speaking to them in fluent
Spanish. She lead them toward the lecture room.
Now go and get some more, she commanded me.
I walked out and wandered around for awhile in the
area. Pretty soon, I found a young man sitting on the
grass near the park.
Would you like to come to a free lecture? I asked
him.
He looked up at me with glazed eyes. It was clear
what his ruin was. His arms were covered with needle
marks. He didnt seem to be able to speak. I gestured
toward him. I told him to come with me. Eventually,
he managed to get up off the grass and lurched in my
direction. I figured that he probably was hoping that I
was offering him drugs, or worse.
I led him back to the center. Martha took him to a
seat in the front row. The Spanish people, I noticed,
were sitting at Jims desk while he was asking them for
money.
Jim, they dont speak English, I told him.
I know that, he waved me away. He was almost
yelling at the people, telling them that he needed some
money, even just a quarter and that they had to sign the
form on his desk. I watched as eventually, in confusion, they finally understood that he wanted money,
and they gave him a quarter. Then they signed the
form and left.
But what good does it do when they didnt even
understand what they were doing? I asked Jim. I
dont think theyre going to come back.
It doesnt matter, he looked at me emphatically.
As long as they give me some money I can count it as
a stat. Its up to the Registrar to contact them and get
them in on course.
Martha came up leading the drug addict and sat him
down by Jim. The man looked completely dazed. I
watched in wonder as Jim managed to extract a few
pennies from him and got him to sign a very wobbly
signature on the registration form.

So we repeated the drill. This time I pretended to be

antagonistic. Oh, yeah, Ive heard of that Scientology. Theyre just a bunch of kooks. I read all about it
in Time Magazine. Theyre crazies. I waved my
hand in disgust.
Well, Charlie said in a diplomatic and soothing
tone of voice, have you ever really talked to someone
who was in Scientology?
No, I have to admit I havent.
Do you think you can believe everything you read
in magazines or newspapers?
No, I guess you have a point there, I admitted.
Well, Im a Scientologist and Id just like to tell
you a little about my experiences in Scientology.
Maybe I can prove to you that not every Scientologist
is a flake.
Well, all right, I said reluctantly, and Charlie
launched into a convincing testimonial.
Youre really good at this, I said admiringly.
You will be too, with a few days of drilling. Now
its your turn. And for the rest of the day Charlie
drilled me until I knew the four steps of the dissemination drill cold. During the following days I twinned
up with various people on the course until I had become proficient in locating the persons ruin and telling
them about Scientology.
Now youre ready to do it for real, the Supervisor
signed off my checksheet and sent me back to Martha
and Jim.
I was given the job going out on the street near the
Org and procuring people to come into the building for
a beginning lecture on Scientology.
Heres the system, Martha confided to me. You
just get the bodies in the shop. Then its up to Jim and
me to get them signed up for a course.
How do you do that? I asked her.
Easy. First I give them a short lecture, then I send
them to Jim who signs them up for a course or to buy a
book.
She sent me out to round up some people for the
three oclock lecture.
I wandered around the center. There was no one in
sight. Finally I walked over to Alvarado Street but
there were just a few drunks walking or staggering
along the street in the simmering afternoon heat.
I went back to the Org.
Martha. Theres no one to bring in. Just a few
drunks. How am I supposed to bring anyone in in this
area? This isnt exactly Beverly Hills.
Flunk for having considerations. Just go out and
bring in some people. Thats an order.
You mean even drunks? I asked her.
I mean anyone. We need bodies in the shop. We
need stats. What makes you think that an alcoholic

62

10

Find Out Who You Really Are

Fear crept up my spine.

You are hereby declared to be in a Condition of
Enemy to this organization, he said menacingly.
And until this whole thing is resolved, you will be
working with Estates and sleeping here in the Org.
He came over to me with a piece of grey rag in his
hand. I knew only too well what it was for. He tied
the rag around my upper arm.
I am instructing Estates to give you the hardest
labor they can find while you work yourself out of your
condition, he said darkly.
What do I have to do? I felt like crying. I knew
the humiliation I would feel when I walked out of his
office with the dreaded rag tied conspicuously to my
arm. It meant, among other things, that no one was
allowed to speak to me.
Look it up, he handed me the Ethics book.
Condition of Enemy, I located the paragraph
Hubbard had written:

For the rest of the week I continued to bring bodies

into the shop. Sometimes I was given a stack of
paperback Dianetics books to take out to the street to
sell for $5 each. I was not to come back to the Org,
Martha instructed, until all the books were sold. When
the end of the day came and I had made hardly any
sales, I was reduced to begging people to buy my
books, and to my surprise, some did.
When 2:00 on Thursday came, we turned in our stats
to HCO. It looked as if we had had a good week. Yet
only two people had been registered for a course. As
the weeks continued, I worked desperately to get
people into the Org. I was becoming more and more
exhausted and less and less able to convince people to
come with me for the free lecture. The truth was that I
didnt exactly want to go back there myself. What
bothered me was that I had also seen Jim and Martha
inflate the statistics they reported every week. I would
count the number of people I brought back to the center, yet their stats were consistently 100% above the
number of people I was bringing in. This was, in the
strict order of things in Scientology, illegal. And I
knew what I had to do.
I wrote up a Knowledge Report and sent it with
my stats the following Thursday to the Sea Org headquarters at Saint Hill, where each week the statistics for
all the organizations world wide were tabulated and
analyzed. I knew that my report would cause what was
known in Scientology as a flap. In other words,
trouble. And I was right.
One day I was summoned into the office of the
Ethics Officer at the Org. Unlike the Ethics Officer at
Celebrity Center, he wasnt in uniform. He was a
young man in his twenties who wore the nondescript
clothes of a long-time staff member, a white shirt and
faded and worn dark pants.
Did you write this? he held a copy of the report I
had mailed out the week before.
Yes, I admitted. Publics is sending in false stats
every week.
And why didnt you come to see me before you
sent this up to World Wide, he demanded angrily.
Do you realize that you have managed to get me in a
lot of trouble?
I didnt mean to, I apologized to him. I just
thought if it concerned the stats it had to go to the
people who collect the stats.
You have caused a serious flap for the Org, when
this is something that could very easily have been
handled internally. There is a two man mission coming
here tomorrow from the ship to investigate this whole
thing. And I dont have to tell you what that means.
Some heads are going to roll, thanks to you. He
slammed his fist down on the table.

When a person is an avowed and knowing enemy of an

individual, a group, project or organization, a Condition
of Enemy exists. The formula for the Condition of
Enemy is just one step: FIND OUT WHO YOU
REALLY ARE.

How am I supposed to do that? I asked the Ethics

officer, feeling slightly defiant.
Thats your problem, he answered coldly.
Youll just have to figure it out. And he held the
door open, obviously wanting me to leave.
I walked out the room, not knowing where to go. I
walked up to the Receptionist in the lobby.
Where is Estates? I asked.
She looked at the rag. A look of fear crossed her
face. She said nothing, but motioned for me to follow
her. She wasnt allowed to speak to me, I realized,
even to give me directions. We walked to the north
side of the building and she pointed me toward a low
white shed behind the annex. I turned to thank her, but
she had already turned to walk back to the Org. I
located the Estates I/C (In Charge). He was a very old
man in a blue worksuit.
Got yourself in trouble, eh? Apparently he didnt
know the rule about talking.
Yeah, I guess, I answered him, glad at least to be
able to talk to someone. What do I have to do?
Well, I guess youll be needing to do some cleaning. I noticed that he had a slight Scottish accent. He
handed me a giant bucket and some rags. Just take
these. You might as well start by washing up the
latrines. Heres some soap. He handed me a bottle of
golden liquid. You just need a little bit in each bucketful of water. Go easy or itll eat up your hands.
I walked slowly back to the Org. Several people
stared at me, noticing the symbol of humiliation on my

63

The Road to Xenu

arm.
Alone in the mercifully deserted womens bathroom,
I was hit with the full impact of my situation.
Ive let everyone down, I thought miserably, as my
tears fell, mixing with the soapy water I had poured on
the floor. What will Aileen think when she finds out
about this? And Antonio? I thought of all my friends
at the center and I knew that I had betrayed them all.
But worst of all, I had disappointed the one person I
now respected above all others in the world, in the
universe. Ron. Dad. Ive disappointed you again, I
cried as old pain from the past fused with pain from the

present.
My world fell into a thousand shattered pieces
around me as I sat on the dirty tiled bathroom floor. I
felt more completely alone in that moment than I have
ever felt before or since Scientology. In that moment I
had come face to face with the terror and finality of my
own wretched inadequacy as a human being. The formula is right after all, I thought.
Find out who you really are.
I knew the answer.
I am a Scientologist. Nothing else matters.
And I will never fail my group again.

64

Chapter 11

Welcome to the RPF

mattresses piled against the wall. Gus switched on a

small lamp in the corner. Here, give me a hand with
these, he said as he started to pull the top mat from
the pile. Just put them on the floor, about six inches
apart, he instructed. I guess thiss where youll be
sleeping tonight, with the rest of the RPFers.
RPFers? I repeated the unfamiliar word.
Yeah, the rest of the folks in the RPF. Rehabilitation Project Force. Didnt you know thats what you
were in?
No, I never even heard of it before. What is the
Rehabilitation Project Force?
Well, its a new idea. Came from Hubbard, I
guess. I hear it started on the ship. Its for people who
get themselves into trouble in the Org. If they mess up.
Or if their stats are too low. Quite a few peopleve
come through here in the past month or so. But you
probably wont be here for long, he looked at me
optimistically. Most folks dont stay here very
long.
So what do people do who are in the RPF? I
asked him, almost too tired to care.
Well, work, mostly, Gus answered as he pulled
the last mat into place. There. All set for the night.
I was silent as he continued to talk about the RPF.
We just take care of the property, painting, cleaning,
things like that. Im glad to have the help, believe me.
Before the RPF, I had to try to manage everything
myself. Right now, most of the men are working to
renovate the Cedars Complex down on Berendo.
I had heard about the huge complex of buildings that
Scientology had just purchased for five million dollars
in cash. It was a labyrinthine complex of buildings that
had previously been a hospital. According to rumors, it
was to be the future home of Scientology in Los Angeles.
They should be back before too long, Gus continued. Then youll be eating your dinner.
Isnt it kind of late for dinner? I asked him.
Yeah, in the beginning I tried to do something
about that, but I was told not to interfere. I tried to
change a lot of things around here, but I was politely
told to butt out and keep my ideas to myself. Around
here, it doesnt pay to argue, he lamented.

I fished the rag out of the dirty, grey water in the

pail, then squeezed it to drip water on the filthy tiles.
Taking the brush I had been given by the Gus (earlier I
had learned the name of the old man in charge of Estates), I scrubbed the last section of tile in the room.
Before I started, the floor had appeared to be a dirty
grey, but as I cleaned, an intricate pattern of blue and
white tiles in an Indian design began to emerge from
the filth. How long has it been since they cleaned
this bathroom? I wondered, as I looked in satisfaction
at my finished work. I stood up to stretch my arms and
back. Im going to feel this tomorrow, I thought
ruefully. This was the sixth bathroom I had cleaned
since beginning my penance several hours earlier. It
was now dark outside.
I undid the latches of the window and forced it
halfway open. A cool evening breeze floated into the
room. I wiped a trickle of sweat from my forehead
with my arm, and looked with dismay at my hands. He
wasnt kidding about this soap, I thought, as I tried to
dry the raw skin on my slacks.
I looked below me at the courtyard where clusters of
students were gathered, and listened to the sounds of
laughter and conversation as they drifted up to my window. It must be nine oclock, I thought. Break time. I
longed to be part of the happy scene below. Instead
here I am, I thought, the Cinderella of Scientology.
I closed the window and gathered my cleaning supplies together and headed back to Estates.
I
desperately wanted to take a shower. A hot shower,
with or without roaches, suddenly seemed an incredible
luxury, a luxury I had previously taken for granted.
Gus saw me coming. Over here, I heard him
calling me. I looked over and saw him standing near
the door to the annex.
Come and help me move these mattresses, he
motioned for me to follow him. Behind the annex was
a large shed, in ramshackle condition and looking as if
at any moment it might collapse. I followed Gus into
the shed and let my eyes adjust to the dim lighting from
a street lamp coming through a small window at the far
end of the room.
I could make out what looked like stacks of thin

65

The Road to Xenu

grandparents are dead. Theres nowhere for me to

go. He punched his fist into the palm of his other
hand. Im stuck here, and for a billion years, he
said sarcastically. Scientology is all a bunch of crap,
the whole thing, he looked at me bitterly.
Hubbards nothing but a con artist. This whole thing
is nothing but a money-making racket. He hit his fist
angrily against the wall.
Come on, Joey, one of the other boys said, trying
to cajole him. We told you, if you keep talking like
that, youll never get out of here. Theyre just going to
keep you in the RPF forever.
I dont care. Thats what I think. And nothing
they do to me is going to make me change my mind. I
just cant believe my parents fell for all this crap.
Everything was fine before they got into Scientology.
We had a house, car, everything. Now, nothing. They
sold everything and gave all the money to Ron. He
said the name sarcastically.
I was shocked by his heresies. Havent you had
auditing? I asked him.
No. I dont believe in it. Im not going to waste
my time. Yeah, if I go along with the program, I can
get out of the RPF. Big deal. But what for? I just
dont agree with any of it. So Ill just stick it out here.
Ill just stay in the RPF for a billion years. I dont care,
anyway. He rubbed the knuckles he had just
slammed into the wall.
Nobody said a word. The sound of footsteps outside
the door interrupted the silence. Gus came in, carrying
two pails and a box containing plates and spoons.
I looked in the pails. I couldnt identify the contents.
Beans and rice, Gus answered my unspoken
question. Better get used to it. In the RPF, youll be
having it a lot.
I took a plate with everyone else and spooned some
of the unappetizing mixture onto my plate.
Whats in the other bucket? I asked.
Bread crusts, Joey volunteered. Help yourself.
I reached into the pail and pulled out a crust of
bread. On one side of the bread there was a bite sized
indentation. What in the world, I stared disbelievingly.
You guessed it, Joey laughed in spite of himself
at my chagrin. Sometimes we get scraps of bread left
over from other peoples plates.
Disgusted, I threw the crust back into the pail. My
appetite was gone. I ate a few spoonfuls of the rice and
beans mixture and threw the rest into the trash.
Now what, I wondered. I looked around. As
everyone finished eating, they began to lie down on the
mats.
Dont we get a shower? I asked the first man who

So why do you stay, Gus? If youre unhappy, why

stay? I asked him.
He didnt say anything for a few minutes.
I guess because I believe in the Old Man, he
answered slowly. Hubbard. I was with him from the
beginning, more than twenty years ago. Left my
family and everything. Thought we were going to
change the world. Turn it upside down, he looked at
me sadly.
I cant say it was a mistake, exactly. It just didnt
turn out like I thought it would. Anyway, where would
I go now? he reflected. I dont even know where
my family is. No, I plan to stick it out. One of these
days Ill probably drop the old body. Then it wont
matter any more.
We were both silent for awhile. I was thinking about
what he had said. I wanted to say something wise or
comforting, but I couldnt think of anything to say.
Gus life was a tragedy, but to feel sympathy was
wrong, according to Hubbard, because sympathy was
an emotion very low on the Tone Scale (Hubbards
chart of emotions, arranged in a hierarchy, from
Serenity of Beingness (+40.0) to Total Failure (-40.0)).
A knock on the door interrupted the uncomfortable
silence. The door opened and a dozen unbelievably
dirty men, some looking very young, filtered into the
room. I noticed that they were all wearing the same
dark blue worksuits that Gus had on.
I guess Ill be going over and getting your food,
Gus said, sounding relieved to have something to do to
distract him from painful memories. He headed out the
door toward the Org.
Welcome to the RPF, one of the older of the men
looked at me curiously. So what did you do to earn
yourself a place in the RPF? Mess up a PC?
Not exactly, I said regretfully. More like made
the mistake of minding someone elses business. Stuck
my nose in where it didnt belong. I wrote up a
Knowledge Report that got some people in trouble, including Ethics.
Well, I guess youll be here for a while, he
chuckled. Might as well make the best of it.
Theres no such thing as the best of it, grumbled
the youngest looking of the group. He was barely a
teenager, I thought. This place is the pits. If I had
any money Id be on the first bus out of here.
Some of the others grunted their agreement.
Cant you leave? I mean if you really wanted to
leave? Who would stop you? I asked.
And go where? the young boy looked up at me.
With no money? Wherem I gonna go?
Where is your family? Your parents? I questioned him. Dont you have a family to go back to?
No, theyre all in Scientology. On the ship. My

66

11

Welcome to the RPF

Scientology, you cant break me, I thought. I

am a survivor. I can overcome this temporary setback.
Im going to prove that I can be a valuable member of
the group.
A truck had pulled up to transport the men to the
Cedars complex, where they would be working.
What about me? I asked the driver. I dont
know if Im supposed to go or not.
I think youre supposed to help the Registrars, he
answered. Go up to the second floor and try the third
door on your right. I think theyre expecting you.
I followed his directions. A girl about my own age
with thick dark hair was seated at a desk surrounded by
tall stacks of manilla folders. Oh, good, she said as
I entered. Are you Margery?
I nodded.
Im Audrey. Im so glad youre here. Were way
behind on our stats. She pulled up a chair to a small
desk across from hers, also piled with folders. She
cleared a small space amid the jungle of folders. All
you have to do is take a folder. Go through it quickly
and look at the recent correspondence. Then all you
have to do is write a short letter to the person. Urging
them to come in for their next service. Thats all there
is to it. Our quota for Normal Operation (an Ethics
condition) is twenty letters an hour. Heres some
paper. And pens. Envelopes are in that box over
there. She brought me a handful of envelopes.
I opened one of the folders. Inside was a stack of
unanswered letters. The person had apparently ignored
all of them.
Audrey. She looked up from her work. This
person has been sent over twenty letters and hasnt
answered any of them. I showed her the folder.
It doesnt matter. We just keep on writing. Youd
be surprised. Sometimes well write fifty letters to a
person with no answer, and then after the fiftieth letter,
suddenly we get a response. Anyway, each letter you
write counts as a stat, and thats all that really matters, she answered, then quickly went back to her
writing.
I began to write. Dear Stephanie, I hope you will
come in soon for your free personality test. Did you
enjoy the Dianetics book? I signed the letter and
stuffed it into the envelope. That was easy enough, I
thought.
Soon I was in production. The room was totally
quiet. Several hours passed. This is almost relaxing, I
was thinking.
Suddenly there was a sound of someone yelling in
the hallway. A short, bent figure of a woman burst into
the room. She had white hair and her face was very
red.
Audrey, where are my things? she cried hysteri-

had spoken to me. Im filthy. I cant sleep like this.

We only get showers every other day, he
answered. And we had them yesterday. We dont
get one again until tomorrow night. He reached over
and switched off the lamp.
I was too exhausted to argue. I lay down on one of
the mats. It was completely dark in the room except
for the dim light from the street. I wanted to think, but
I was just too tired. I finally fell into a fitful sleep,
dreaming that I was on a large ship on an angry, rolling
sea. I was on a never-ending voyage into unreality, on
a ship that threatened to capsize at any moment, spilling us all into the infinite, anonymous waters of the
sea.
Wake up. Someone was shaking me. Come
on, or youll miss breakfast. I opened my eyes. It
was still dark in the room. Come on, hurry.
In confusion, I stumbled to my feet and followed the
one who had woken me up. Outside, I looked up at the
sky. It was only beginning to show the first hopeful
rays of the morning sun.
What time is it? I asked groggily, rubbing my
eyes with grimy fists.
6:30, the voice answered. It was one of the men I
had met last night. I followed him sleepily into the
back door of the Org. We walked back into a tiny
kitchen. I was handed a plate of toast, bacon, and
something that looked vaguely like oatmeal. I tasted it.
It was cold. And it had no taste.
Youll want to eat it, a voice behind me advised.
I turned around. It was the older man from last
night.
Im sorry I didnt introduce myself last night, I
held out my hand to him. I was too exhausted to
think. Im Margery.
Larry, he answered amiably, shaking my hand.
He led me outside to the steps outside the back door.
The others were already sitting and eating the unsavory
meal.
You have to learn to eat the food, Larry said, as
he swallowed some oatmeal. Otherwise youll get
weak. Just visualize something you really like. And
swallow it fast. After a while youll get hungry enough
that anything will taste good to you.
I took a bite of the oatmeal and tried to swallow it
quickly. I thought of the delicious hot cereal my
mother used to make with butter and maple syrup on it.
It didnt help.
By seven, the sun was emerging in earnest. Rays of
pink and orange thrust into the greyness above us. A
surge of optimism welled in me as sleepiness gave way
to the energy of a new day. In spite of sore muscles
from the work of the day before, I was ready to live
again.

67

The Road to Xenu

it, I just felt more confused.

Ron knows best, I told myself. The greatest
good for the greatest number of dynamics. Thats the
rule we have to follow or well never get the job done.
Theres no time to be sorry for someone like Ruby.
Just the same, I thought of her frequently for many
days. I remembered the fear I had seen in her eyes, the
fear of a terrified animal.
We sat and silently wrote letters for the rest of the
day. I was given a decent lunch and dinner. I stayed at
my task until eleven oclock at night, then made my
way back to the shack behind the annex. My fellow
RPFers were already asleep. I wanted to take a
shower, but didnt want to wake anyone to ask them
where it was.
The next morning, we again were awakened in the
misty dawn. We had a breakfast much like the day
before. Larry was right. With hunger, it was beginning to taste better.
The driver pulled up in his truck.
Climb aboard, he told me. I have orders to take
you over with me to the G.O. to help with some
filing. He looked down at the paper in his hand. Is
your name Margery?
Thats me, I answered, getting into the truck. I
caught a glance at myself in the rear view mirror and
grimaced. I looked terrible. My hair was matted and
there were smudges of dirt all over my face. My
clothes were soiled and wrinkled. I was glad no one at
the center could see me.
The Cedars was a short drive away. I followed the
driver into the building and he led me to an elevator.
Inside, he punched the button for the third floor. I
noticed a sign near the elevator button. THIRD
FLOOR. GUARDIANS OFFICE. AUTHORIZED
PERSONNEL ONLY.
The door opened. I looked around curiously. I
didnt know much about the Guardians Office, just
what Hubbard had told us, that they had the job of
making the world safe for Scientology to expand into.
A receptionist sat at a desk blocking the long
hallway.
The RPF. For filing, the driver said brusquely,
then turned and caught the elevator just as the door was
closing.
Have a seat, the receptionist eyed me with distaste. I took the seat farthest from the desk.
Minutes later, a woman in a navy blue uniform came
out and motioned for me to follow her. She led me
down the hall to a small room filled with filing
cabinets.
Weve got a real backlog right now with our
filing, she said, surveying the room. Ethics has ordered you to help us out. Heres a pile to start with.

cally. All my things are missing from my room.

What have they done with my things? Just then, the
Ethics Officer appeared right behind her.
Ruby, he said sternly, you have been declared
and are not to be on these premises. I told you that you
were not to come back into this house.
But where are my things? she wailed.
Out there. Out in front. Now you must leave or I
will have to call the police.
He took Ruby by the arm, and led her, still crying
hysterically, down the stairs.
Audrey got up and went to the front window. I
followed her.
There, on the pavement below, were two large
heavy-duty black trash bags, stuffed with what appeared to be clothes and other personal items.
Poor Ruby, Audrey said under her breath.
What happened to her? I asked.
Audrey sat down on the window ledge and cupped
her hands over her eyes. I feel so sorry for her,
Audrey said softly. She looked up at me. Ruby just
got too old. She worked here for sixteen years. But
lately she just started messing up. Losing folders, writing letters that didnt make any sense. She started talking funny too. They finally held a Comm Ev (Committee of Evidence, the Scientology equivalent of a
jury trial) on her. She was declared SP and they
decided to offload her.
Offload? I had never heard the term.
Yes. Thats when they send you away with orders
that you are not allowed to come back into Scientology. If a person becomes a problem to the Org, they
will usually be offloaded. When Ethics just wants to
get rid of them. But Ruby, she didnt say anything
for a while, then she looked up. Ruby didnt deserve
this.
Where will she go? I looked out the door. I saw
Ruby struggling to lift one of the bags. Why didnt
they call her family? Or get her help?
How long have you been around? she asked me,
her tone of voice suddenly changing. Dont you
know that when you get old, or sick, its your own
responsibility? Thats what Hubbard says. We are all
responsible for our own condition. No matter what
happens. Nobody can be responsible for you except
yourself. The same with Ruby. She has to be responsible for herself. And she will. Shes a strong thetan.
Audrey turned away from the window. Lets get
back to work. The stats have been down since Ruby
left, and we are really going to have to work to get
them back up again.
I took my seat at my desk. I wanted to go down and
help Ruby. But what could I do? Something about the
situation bothered me, but when I tried to think about

68

11

Welcome to the RPF

greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics and

announce the fact publicly to both sides.
Do everything possible to improve the actions and
statistics of the person, group, project, or organization
one has remained in or joined.
Suffer on up through the conditions of the group one
has remained in if wavering from it has lowered ones
status.

She selected a stack of papers from a table on which

hundreds of pieces of paper were piled precariously.
Just find the persons folder and file this inside.
Heres a punch. Just punch holes and file it on the top
left side of the folder. The folders are all in these
cabinets in alphabetical order. She handed me a hole
punch and left me to work alone in the room.
A short time later I was surprised to see the Ethics
Officer in the doorway. Wordlessly, he stood over me.
Have you started to work out of your Condition? he
asked coldly.
You mean Enemy? I asked. He didnt answer.
Yes, in fact, I have. I thought about it the night I was
cleaning the bathrooms. And I know for sure now who
I am. And where I belong. And Im not going to harm
the group again, I said to him sincerely.
Heres some paper, he handed me a sheet of
paper. Write it up and submit it to me later today.
Perhaps I can upgrade you to Doubt.
I was about to thank him, but he had already turned
and was walking from the room.
I took the sheet of paper. I printed my name, then
wrote Condition of Enemy. I underlined it. Underneath, I wrote:

I opened the blank sheet I had been given. I wrote

my name on the top and the words Condition of
Doubt.
Until I did this formula, I wrote, I didnt realize
how important the group of Scientology was to me.
Now I know for sure that Scientology is my group. It
is the group which is doing the most for this planet. I
will never betray my group again. From now on, I only
want to do what I can to help my group. Because to
help the group is to help the planet. I am no longer in
Doubt. And I signed it.
I sent it to the Ethics Officer.
I went back to the Org to eat dinner. Thankfully,
Gus showed me where the shower was and I enjoyed
the luxury of a hot shower. Never again would I take a
shower for granted.
I returned to the annex, shaking my hair out to dry in
the warm evening air. Gus met me at the door.
Youre to report back to the G.O., he announced.
He said to tell you to report at once as soon as you
got back. I can give you a ride over there.
Thanks, I told him. Do you know what its
about? I asked him.
No, and I dont want to know, he said somewhat
under his breath.
Why? What could it be? I begged him.
Youll find out soon enough, he answered, as we
climbed into his truck.
I walked up to find a different person at the reception desk. She led me back to the small room where I
had been filing.
You have been upgraded to Liability, she looked
at me with an expressionless face. Do you know the
formula?
Id have to look at the book, I confessed. The
Ethics book I had used earlier was still on my desk.
She nodded and I quickly turned to the appropriate
page.
Condition of Liability, I read.

I was in a Condition of Enemy because I

betrayed two members of my group. I got them
and the Org into trouble by writing a Knowledge
Report and sending it to World Wide instead of
just going to see Ethics. I will never again do
anything to harm my group. I know now who I
am. I am a Scientologist. And Scientology is my
group. And I just want to be a good member of
the group. I wish to be upgraded to a Condition of
Doubt.
I printed my name below, and then signed underneath it. I folded the paper and went up to the receptionist.
How can I get this to the Ethics Officer? I asked
her.
Here, give it to me, she answered, taking the
paper from me. Ill see that he gets it.
I walked back to my filing.
Later that afternoon, the receptionist walked back to
my room. Here, she said, handing me another
folded paper. The Ethics Officer says you are to
work out of Doubt.
Do you have an Ethics book? I asked her. She
nodded, then left the room. A few minutes later she
handed me a copy of the book. I sat down and looked
up the Doubt Formula.
I was to evaluate the group I belonged to as an
Enemy (of Scientology) and also the group of Scientology. The formula read:

1. Decide who are ones friends.

2. Deliver an effective blow to the enemies of the group
one has been pretending to be part of despite personal
danger.
3. Make up the damage one has done by personal contribution far beyond the ordinary demands of a group member.

Join or remain in the one which progresses toward the

69

The Road to Xenu

4. Apply for re-entry to the group by asking the permission

of each member of it to rejoin and rejoining only by
majority permission....

my wrinkled apparel. Then he abruptly saluted the

receptionist and left the room.
Wow, I said to myself. I dont believe this. I
get to be a spy. The knowledge that I was going to
perform an illegal act was offset by the knowledge that
I would be doing a great service to my group. And it
would get me out of Liability at the same time. I
couldnt wait to get started. I walked back to the house
on Beacon street which was deserted. At least tonight I
would get to sleep in my own bed, I thought with satisfaction. I selected some clean slacks and the nicest
blouse I had and went into the kitchen to iron them.
Shortly afterward, I fell into a deep and dreamless
sleep. I woke up to an empty house.
I went into the kitchen to find a clock. Nine thirty. I
had really overslept. I took a quick shower and put on
the clean clothes. I rummaged through the kitchen for
a grocery bag, which I folded up and put in my purse.
Then I set out to find the address on the slip of paper I
had been given the night before.
I stood outside a low building. A sign above the
door read Habana Professional Building. I quickly
located the building directory, encased in glass in the
lobby.
I looked up the name I had been given for the troublesome psychiatrist. Second floor, Room 203. I
climbed the stairs. I opened the door to the waiting
room. A secretary behind a glass window looked at me
pleasantly. Can I help you?
Yes, I wanted to make an appointment with the
doctor, I told her. A friend referred me to him. Is
he here?
No, hes not here now but Im expecting him in
about 1:00 this afternoon, she said. She opened a
small black book on her desk.
How about 4:00 on Thursday? she asked.
Im afraid its a bit of an emergency. I tried to
look and sound desperate. Does he have anything
sooner?
Well, it just happens that he might have a cancellation at 1:00 today. Would you like to call back
around noon?
Would you mind if I just waited here? I pleaded
with her. I live quite a way from here. There
wouldnt be time for me to go all the way home and
then come back. Ill just sit out here and read.
Well, all right, she sounded a little reluctant.
Just make yourself comfortable. I should know in
about an hour about the cancellation. She smiled at
me, then turned back to her work.
I took a chair in the waiting room, and pretended to
read a recent issue of Time Magazine that was lying on
a table. Out of the corner of my eye, I was watching
everything that was going on behind the glass window.

OK, I looked up at the uniformed woman. I

know who my friends are. Scientologists are my
friends. Scientologists in good standing. Scientology
is my group. So how can I deliver an effective blow to
the enemies of the group?
Are you willing to do that step even if it means
some danger to yourself? she asked, her eyes intense.
Sure, I answered. But how could I be in
danger?
Just wait here, she answered, and walked out.
Several minutes later, she reappeared in the doorway, with a tall, blond man in a dark Sea Org uniform.
He also didnt waste time on preliminaries or introductions. I never did learn his name.
We have a job for you to do, he said abruptly.
Something that will satisfy your Liability Formula.
He paused.
A few blocks from here there is a psychiatrists
office, he said. A man who has been causing us
some problems with the American Psychiatric Association. Its not important for you to know what those
problems are. He stopped and cleared his throat.
What we want you to do is to get into his office.
Pretend to be a patient or do whatever you want.
Somewhere on his bookshelf there should be a directory of all the psychiatrists in the United States. We
need that directory. Also anything else you can get us.
Financial information. Names of some of his clients.
Thats all. Think you can handle it?
I drew in a breath. I looked back at the formula. I
knew that Hubbard said that psychiatry was evil, a
holdover from nineteenth century German behavioral
therapy. According to Hubbard, psychiatrists were our
chief enemies on the planet. They used barbaric
methods to treat people with psychiatric problems.
Like lobotomies and electroshock treatment. It was up
to Scientology to put an end to these barbaric forms of
treatment. And now I could help.
OK, I looked up at the Sea Org member. So
where is the office? And you dont care how I get in
there?
No, we dont care how you do it, we just want
those records. And, I probably dont have to tell you,
if there is any trouble you are under no circumstances
to implicate the Org or Scientology. Do you understand what I am saying?
Yeah, I understand, I answered. But I wont get
caught. Youll see. I was confident that I could do
what he wanted me to do.
He handed me a slip of paper with the address on it.
Youll need some fresh clothes, he said, appraising

70

11

Welcome to the RPF

walk back to the Org.

Are you ready to complete the formula? the
Ethics Officer asked me. He didnt say anything to me
about the events earlier in the day.
I have to make up the damage by extraordinary
personal contribution, I remembered out loud. How
can I do that?
Well, normally, we would have you do some work
for 72 hours to get out of Liability. But since you have
apparently done an excellent job for the Guardians
Office, I am going to reduce it to 48 hours, he said
magnanimously. He took me back down to the
Registrars Office.
Excuse me, the Ethics Officer addressed Audrey,
who was sitting at her desk writing letters. He pointed
to me. She has to do forty eight hours of amends.
Please arrange for someone to supervise her on the
night shift. He disappeared from the room.
Audrey smiled at me. Dont worry, she said to
me in a low voice. It wont be as bad as you think.
I sat down and took a pile of folders. I spent the
next two days and two nights writing letters. I was too
excited about my successful spy caper to sleep much
the first night anyway. And to Audreys credit, when I
did doze off during the second day, she ignored it unless she heard someone approaching the office, in
which case she would call out my name, rousing me
from sleep. During the second night I was too sleepy
to remember much at all. The night watchman, who
luckily for me was a kindly older man, came about
every half hour to make sure I was busy writing letters.
I got so that I could doze off just after he had left the
room, and program myself to wake up a short time
later. He caught me napping a couple of times, but he
just woke me up and went off with a chuckle.
Finally I was allowed to go back to the Org to sleep.
I collapsed on a mat on the floor of the annex. I slept
from noon until the next morning. Walking back to the
Org the next day, I was thinking of Hubbards words in
the Ethics book:

An hour later, the receptionist called out to me,

Youre in luck. The other patient just cancelled. The
doctor will see you at one oclock. She stood up and
came out into the waiting room with her purse. Im
just going to pick up some lunch, she announced. I
should be back in just a few minutes. If you need
anything, the bookkeeper is in the back room.
Just what I had hoped for. As soon as she was gone,
I quietly opened the door to the receptionists area. I
looked at the books on her desk. Not much except the
doctors appointment book. Safer to get that on the
way out, I thought. I looked toward the back. I could
hear the bookkeeper talking on the phone.
Noiselessly, I opened the door to the doctors office.
If I was caught, I decided, I could just say that I was
looking for something interesting to read.
Bookshelves. I quickly scanned through the titles of
the books. Then I found it. APA Directory. I pulled
the book off the shelf and opened it.
Perfect, I thought, as I looked at the neat rows of
names and addresses. I looked quickly at the other
books on the shelf. Nothing very interesting. Mostly
old copies of journals, bound into notebooks.
I stealthily opened the door and listened. I could
hear the voice in the back room still talking on the
phone. Great. I quietly closed the door and crept over
to the secretarys desk. I snapped up the appointment
book and thrust both books into the bag I had brought
with me for just that purpose.
I walked nonchalantly out of the building and started
down the street. A block away I started to run.
That was too easy, I thought triumphantly.
That was just way too easy. My heart was pounding.
I didnt bother to go back to the house. I went
straight to the Cedars complex and found the secretary
on the second floor.
It worked, I gasped, out of breath from running.
I was able to get everything you asked for. Well,
almost everything. I couldnt find any financial
records. I turned the two books over to her.
She looked through the two books. Wait here,
she pointed to the chair by her desk.
Several minutes later, the man in the Sea Org
uniform came out to the lobby. I will let the Ethics
Officer know that you have performed this errand satisfactorily. He held the two books. In fact I am
impressed with the speed with which you carried out
this mission. As Ron says, Speed of particle flow
equals power. You may go back to the Org and report
to Ethics. And I dont want you to mention this to
anyone. Ever. Do you understand?
Perfectly. I felt like saluting. I was glowing with
the praise he had given me. I started out on the long

All that Ethics is for the totality of the reason for its
existence and operation is simply that additional tool
necessary to make it possible to apply the technology of
Scientology.
We are factually only here helping people to help
themselves to better their conditions and the conditions
of life. That is our total action.
As that additional tool for making it all possible, the
Ethics system of Scientology is tremendously successful.

I guess its successful, I laughed to myself. I

never want to get into a lower condition again.
From now on, Im going to keep my ethics in!

71

The Road to Xenu

Chapter 12

Have You Ever Enslaved a Population?

getting them to agree that they did need help in this

area. Then we would sell them a course or some auditing to remedy the identified deficit. It worked like a
charm.
I initiated a program to take the paperback Dianetics
books to the campuses of UCLA and USC and to sell
them to students. With continued drilling on the Dissem Formula, it wasnt hard at all to get students
signed up for the Communication Course. We even
started a Scientology group on the campus and had
regular meetings. I soon learned to spot the students
who would make the best targets: the ones who were
alone and looked down. They were the easiest ones
to get into Scientology because they were so hungry for
friendship and affiliation.
It was decided that I would remain on staff at the
Org instead of Celebrity Center, because the Org was
in more desperate need of help. And since the Org and
the center were so close, I could always visit the center
on my breaks. Because of my success with the
psychiatrist spy caper, I was occasionally summoned back to the G.O. (Guardians Office) to help out
on special projects. Many of these projects were enjoyable, especially the ones which were designed to
improve the public image of Scientology in Los Angeles. We had a big Easter egg hunt for local children
on the lawn of the Org. Each G.O. project was always
given a unique and meaningful name. The Easter egg
hunt was known to us as Operation Bunny Hop.
Operation Clean Sweep was a Saturday all hands
project to clean up the trash in Alvarado Park. In
Operation Granny, teams of Scientology ministers were sent to bring cheer to the elderly in nearby
nursing homes. And a project to get Scientologists into
the schools to give lectures against drug use was named
Operation Chalk Dust.
The point of all these projects was not so much to
clean up the park, improve the life of the elderly, and
educate children about drugs as it was to improve the
image of Scientology and, whenever possible, get
someone new into Scientology. This is, in fact, the
actual agenda behind any apparent agenda of a Scientologist. To get new people into Scientology. And to
Clear the Planet.

I am a Scientologist. I know now that my true

friends are other Scientologists in good standing. I will
never harm my group again. I want only to do those
things which will contribute to the survival of my
group, and therefore, to the survival of the planet. I
have delivered a blow to the enemies of the group. I
have performed forty-eight hours of amends. I hereby
petition to rejoin staff at the L.A. Org.
For two days I had carried my petition from person
to person at the Org, begging each person to allow me
to rejoin the group. Finally, I had the required signatures. I ran up the stairs to the Ethics office.
Here you are, sir. I got everyone to sign.
The Ethics Officer took the clipboard from me and
glanced through the signatures.
Very well done, he congratulated me. I hope
youve learned something from this.
Oh, yes, sir, I have, I said eagerly. Mostly I
learned something about being a part of a group. How
you have to work with people and not against them.
From now on I want to stay out of trouble. With
Ethics, I mean. Id rather not have to go through all
this again.
Hm, he opened the drawer of his desk and pulled
out a manila file. To my surprise, I saw my name on
the file label followed by the words Ethics File. I
see here that this is your first major Ethics offense, he
observed, as he flipped through the contents of the file.
And lets hope its the last. All right. You can
return to your post.
Great. I bounded up out of my chair. I looked
back at him. Thank you, sir, I said gratefully as I
moved toward the door.
Arent you forgetting something? He pointed to
my arm.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I guess I was getting
used to it. I walked over and held out my arm as he
undid the unsightly rag. Im glad to be rid of that.
For the next few months, I worked in the Public
Division, selling books on the street and bringing
people in for the free lecture or the free personality test.
The personality test, I discovered, was just another way
of finding the persons ruin. After we graded the test,
we would point out the lowest score to the person,

72

12

Have You Ever Enslaved a Population?

Meisner is threatening to leak this whole project to

the FBI. And not only this project but many other G.O.
projects that he knows about.
We cant afford a serious leak of this nature when
we are already having major problems with the suppressive government in this country.
We need a permanent solution to this problem.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
The room was silent. No one said a word.
Finally, someone asked, Where is Meisner now,
sir?
We have him in custody, Dick said. After a few
seconds he elaborated, As a matter of fact he is being
kept in a motel room not far from here. I believe he
has been handcuffed to a bed.
Do you have a plan? someone else asked.
What would you suggest? Dick challenged the
person who had asked the question.
There was no answer, only an awkward and uncomfortable silence.
Remember, Dick said slowly, his eyes circling
the group of us gathered in the room, Scientology is
the only hope for this planet. If we make it, then this
planet makes it. If we dont make it, this planet is
doomed. Destroyed. Reduced to a pile of atomic rubble.
And this one man has the potential, if he does what
he is threatening to do, to destroy it all. Everything
that Hubbard has worked for. Everything that you and
I have worked for. This one man has the ability to
destroy everything.
So what can we do? he looked to us for an
answer. Whats the solution? Any ideas?
Well, he cant be allowed to escape. You cant let
him get to the agency to testify. Thats all there is to
it. A tall woman in the back of the room spoke up.
Yeah, right, another one said. The greatest
good for the number of dynamics. Thats what Ron
says.
A man to my left spoke up. What youre saying,
Dick, is that its a no-win situation. Either one person
goes, or millions of innocent men, women and children
go. Thats the choice, right? Either way, someone has
to lose. Isnt that what youre saying?
We all looked at Dick.
Im afraid youve hit the nail on the head, he
replied. That is precisely what were faced with.
An older man in the back with an English accent
spoke up. I say you should take him and dump him
overboard at sea. With weights. Deep-six the bastard.
Yeah, someone else joined in, Get rid of him
once and for all.
Any other suggestions? Dick looked around the

In the 1970s, Scientology, and the Guardians Office in particular, had two major problems named,
respectively, Paulette Cooper and Michael Meisner.
Paulette Cooper, in 1971, had written a book critical of
Scientology called The Scandal of Scientology.
Repeated attempts to silence Cooper, including attempts to frame her by getting her fingerprints on a
piece of paper that was later used to send a death threat
to Henry Kissinger, and by telephoning the Arab Consulate in New York and saying that Cooper was talking
about bombing them, had resulted in only minimal success. A more permanent solution was needed.
Michael Meisner was involved in a complicated
Scientology plot in the mid 70s to illegally photocopy
and steal thousands of government documents from
FBI and IRS offices in Washington, D.C. He had been
caught by the FBI, however, and although he was back
in Scientology custody, he was threatening to turn
states evidence for the FBI and incriminate Scientology in a host of related criminal actions.
I had been given the sensitive task, as a G.O. volunteer, of going through all of Michael Meisners (supposedly confidential) preclear and ethics folders and
locating any information which could now be used to
blackmail him. I was told to be particularly alert for
information regarding sexual deviance or criminal behavior. I had to circle anything I found in red ink and
tab the page.
Because of the project to launder and steal government documents, known in the G.O. as Operation
Snow White, Scientology was involved in a complex
court case with the government. (The name Snow
White had nothing to do with the fairy tale of the
same name; the operation was given this name because
Hubbard considered that once the Church had
finished cleaning the files of these agencies, they
would be snow white.)
Scientology had assigned private detectives to investigate the backgrounds of the Justice Department attorneys assigned to the case. My job was to take all the
information assembled by the detectives on each attorney, and to summarize this information in a series of
reports to be used by Scientology attorneys during
litigation. It occurred to me that the reports could also
be used for blackmail purposes.
One day, as I was working on the floor, assembling
the time line (all the events in the life of a person
arranged in chronological order) for one particular Justice Department attorney named Raymond Banoun, I
was called into the next room for a meeting.
Dick, who was my project leader in the G.O., was
leading the meeting. We have a problem, he said
seriously, as he looked around the room at the dozen or
so people assembled for the meeting.

73

The Road to Xenu

that my job was to contact people who were upset with

Scientology and offer them free sessions to get them
back on lines. Predictably, I soon burned out from
that job, and was transferred to another post where I
was put in charge of special events. The only contact I
had with my parents was occasional letters from them
updating me with family news. My brothers marriage
and first child, my other brothers graduation from college and teaching position in Europe, my fathers heart
surgery, my first brothers second child, his third child,
my sisters marriage in Vermont, etc. Some letters I
threw away without opening, others I would open and
read quickly, not allowing myself to feel any emotion.
One day early in 1979, I received a letter from my
father telling me that my grandmother, his mother, had
just died. Its just as well, I thought callously. In a
session on the PTS/SP Rundown, I had identified
my grandmother as the main Suppressive on my dads
side of the family. Since she was a thoroughly evil
person, I reasoned, it was unnecessary to waste any
grief on her death.
I received a second letter from my father containing
an airline ticket. Would I consider, he wanted to know,
coming back to Michigan for my grandmothers
funeral? Everyone else in the family would be there.
Something about the idea of a family reunion struck
a chord in me. Memories of happy days with my aunts
and uncles at the summer cottage shared by our large
extended family must have stirred some nearly extinct
subconscious feelings. I did a very strange thing.
I arranged to take a long weekend away from my
post, using the excuse of my grandmothers funeral. It
was permissible to get leave from post for pressing
family matters. It was justified as a means of keeping
families from becoming openly antagonistic to Scientology.
I made a reservation on a direct flight to Michigan,
and arrived at the airport well ahead of the time required to board the plane. I was one of the first people
on the plane and I took a seat in the very last row.
Sitting there as the other passengers were boarding the
plane, I was suddenly seized by an overwhelming
panic, a feeling of terror.
The flight attendants were just beginning to close the
door to the plane when I called out from the back,
Wait, dont close the door! I fought my way
through the passengers still standing in the aisles to the
front of the plane as everyone in the plane watched in
stunned silence.
I have to get off. Im going to be sick, I told the
attendant nearest the door. Please, I begged. Let
me off the plane.
The attendant looked forward to the captain. He
nodded his head. She opened the door and I walked

circle of grim faces. No one answered.

Very well, Dick continued. What I can tell you
is that the situation will be handled by this time tomorrow. We just didnt want any of you to be surprised. If
anyone has a problem with this, I expect you to speak
up now. Silence.
All right. There is one other matter. We have a
continuing problem with Paulette Cooper. She is continuing her campaign to put an end to Scientology. She
is the most deadly Suppressive that we have at the
moment. Shes a real danger.
I can tell you that Ron is losing patience with all
this. He expects us to handle these things.
We simply cannot continue to allow one insane
person to endanger the survival of everyone else on the
planet. She will have to be handled. The job of the
Guardians Office is to get Ethics in on the planet so
that Scientology can expand. Handling these situations
is simply part of the job.
Any questions?
I looked around. No one spoke up. Nobody said
anything for a long time. Finally, Dick broke the
silence. All right, everyone. Back to work. Were
on a tight schedule. Thanks for your time.
I went back to my project in the next room. Something about the meeting bothered me, but I pushed the
troublesome thoughts from my mind.
The greatest good for the greatest number of
dynamics, I sighed. If it has to be done, it has to be
done. And I tried to forget about the whole thing.
Later I heard that Michael Meisner, who had in fact
been held prisoner, managed to gain the confidence of
his guards and to escape from the motel. He did go to
the FBI with his information, information which
resulted in an FBI raid on the Church of Scientology a month later. As a result of this raid, eleven
Scientologists were indicted and imprisoned, including
Hubbards wife, Mary Sue.
Paulette Cooper was never killed.
Regarding
Paulette, however, there is an interesting and macabre
story. Apparently, Paulette had moved, and her cousin,
similar to her in appearance, had taken over her apartment. One day a man came to deliver flowers. When
the cousin opened the door, he held a gun to her head
and cocked it. When, for unknown reasons, it did not
fire, he tried to choke her. She was able to scream, and
he fled.
Paulette later reached an out-of-court settlement with
the Church.
And so, in this way, the years passed. I continued to
work for the organization in a variety of capacities. I
learned calligraphy so that I could help with the inscribing of certificates when needed. For a period of
time I served as the ARC Break Registrar, which meant

74

12

Have You Ever Enslaved a Population?

wall of fire, the name given by Hubbard to this dangerous and esoteric level, I would become a thetan
exterior, free from any type of overwhelm for the
indefinite and infinite future, and able to travel at will
outside my body. From there, the possibilities were
endless.
So, you are ready to do the OT levels, yes? the
Registrar, who had a Spanish accent, asked as he pulled
out his desk drawer and retrieved a folder.
Yes, I replied, too excited to talk.
Very good, very good indeed, he smiled at me.
Now the last level that you have done is your
Grade 4, am I correct? he looked through my advanced payment folder. I had made regular small payments through the years into my AP (Advanced
Payment) account at the AO. I was surprised to find
out that my credit now stood at more than two
thousand dollars.
So, first you need to do your Power, he said as
he started to write on a pad of paper on his desk,
which because you are on staff is half price. That
will be six hundred dollars. He wrote down the
amount.
I watched as the column of numbers started to take
form on his pad.
And your Solo, which will train you to become a
Solo auditor in preparation for the OT levels, he continued, also six hundred dollars.
And, of course, you want to go Clear, right? he
looked at me expectantly.
I nodded. Of course.
OK. Clear. Eight hundred dollars.
I thought of the speeches I had heard at Clear Night.
Soon I would be making a speech of my own. I
shivered at the thought.
Well, that exhausts your AP account. Now, you
have received how much from your grandmothers estate? He looked at me.
I took the check from my shirt pocket. I carefully
straightened it out and laid it on the desk, facing him.
So. Twenty thousand dollars. Well, that should
get you right on up the chart, I would think. He
didnt seem very impressed by the check. He probably gets a dozen checks like this every day, I
thought, somewhat disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm.
All right, lets do some figuring. He took out his
calculator and started adding and subtracting figures as
I watched.
OT 1. Thats a short level. Youll probably be
able to do it in a day. Three hundred twenty dollars.
He punched the number into his calculator. OT 2.
Five hundred.
And OT 3. Right? He looked at me for confir-

back up the boarding ramp, flooded with relief.

The wog world had become for me a place of
danger, a sinister world of enemies and suppressives.
The hundreds of hours of listening to Hubbards
ravings on the tapes had done their job. I was now a
captive of Scientology. I would never again venture
out voluntarily into the evil wog world.
I mailed the ticket back to my father with an apology. I cant come right now. I cant take time off
from my post, I lied. Just tell everyone I said
hello.
A month or so later I received another letter from my
father. Perhaps out of guilt I opened it, not throwing it
away as I had so many other letters from home.
Inside the envelope was a certified check made out
to me in the amount of twenty thousand dollars.
Enclosed is your inheritance from your
grandmother, I read in my fathers scrawling script. I
was stunned. I stared at the check in disbelief. Then a
wonderful idea took form in my mind: the OT levels.
This money would be my passage to the realm of OT.
I did a dance of joy in front of my startled co-workers.
Later I learned that my parents had reasoned that
perhaps, with the money to make a fresh start, I would
return home. They greatly underestimated, as many
parents do, the power of the mind control and hypnosis
ritualistically enforced over the years by the continual
repetition of TRs, drills, auditing, propaganda, and the
dynamics of group reinforcement in Scientology.
I quickly wrote up a CSW (Completed Staff
Work), a petition to my seniors asking for a leave of
absence from my post to do the OT levels. I was quite
sure the petition would be approved, especially when it
became known that I had received a substantial inheritance.
I was right. Within a week I was sitting in a chair at
the desk of the Registrar at the AO (Advanced Org).
I had always been awed by the hushed air of excitement at the AO. I thought of the many times I had
come into this building to deliver messages or courier
packages, always dreaming of the day when I would be
here for real, for my upper levels. And now it
was really going to happen. On the way back to the
Registrars Office I glanced at the pre-OTs sitting
quietly in the lobby, waiting for the C/S for their next
session.
What did they know, I wondered. Did some of them
actually know the mysterious secret of OT 3? It was
well known in Scientology that on this third upper
level, Hubbard revealed the great secret of this sector
of the universe which would explain, we were told,
all human behavior in the world today. The thought
that I, too, would soon learn this secret was almost
impossible to comprehend. Once I was through the

75

The Road to Xenu

businesslike.
I nodded.
Very well done. He turned on his meter.
Now were going to do a couple of Security
checks. Just routine, to make sure everything is clean
before you go onto your OT levels. He pulled some
plain white 8 1/2 by 14 inch paper from his drawer and
tested his pen. Im going to ask you a series of questions. You dont have to answer them. The meter will
pick up any reaction you might have to an item. If I
get a read, Ill ask you for your considerations. OK?
Sure, I replied.
First, Im going to ask a few null questions to
determine your reaction pattern. Ready?
Ready, I replied, feeling like an astronaut in a
space capsule waiting for the launch.
We will now begin.
Are you sitting in a chair? he looked at me.
I didnt answer. He adjusted the meter.
Are you on the moon? Pause.
Have you ever drunk water?
Am I an elephant?
Are you a table?
Good. He looked over at me. Youre reading
just fine. Now well begin the process. I relaxed.
Have you ever lived or worked under an assumed
name? No read. Thats clean, he said.
Are you here for a different purpose than you
say? No read. Thats clean.
Have you ever done any shoplifting? That
reads, he looked up at me. Do you have any considerations on that?
Yeah, I thought back. Yeah, when I was in
college. I stole some cigarettes a couple of times from
a drug store. And some other things. Pantyhose.
Maybe twice. I was just being rebellious. Actually I
felt guilty afterward and mailed the store some
money.
OK, thats clean, he said, adjusting the meter.
Have you ever been blackmailed? Thats
clean.
Have you ever been in prison? Thats clean.
Are you guilty of anything? Thats clean.
Have you ever embezzled money? Thats
clean.
Have you ever been court martialed? Thats
clean.
Have you ever had anything to do with pornography? Thats clean.
Have you ever peddled dope? That reads.
What about that, have you ever peddled dope? He
looked up.
Well, not exactly. But I had a boyfriend once who
sold marijuana and sometimes people would give me

mation.
Right, I answered, determined to match his stoic
approach to the whole thing. I tried to act like spending twenty thousand dollars was something I did every
day.
OK. Three thousand dollars. Thats a big level.
As you know, he looked up at me, grinning conspiratorially. I grinned back, feeling like I had just
pulled the fabled sword from the stone.
Now, as for the rest, he kept writing on his pad,
youll need to have something on account in case you
need a review. And the balance you will probably
want to leave on account for your remaining levels.
Assuming, of course, that you plan to continue on up
The Bridge. He picked up the check and examined it
closely.
I guess, I said uncertainly. How much will I
have left?
Well, after OT 3, that should leave you about sixteen thousand dollars. Enough to do whatever is C/Sed
for you after OT 3. That will give the C/S something
to work with.
And you, he said to me confidingly, are about
to begin on the adventure of a lifetime. Are you
ready?
Yeah. Im ready. Ive been waiting for this for ten
years, I replied. When can I start?
Well, you can start by first signing this check, he
turned the check over and handed me a pen. And
then, were going to get you scheduled for your Ethics
Clearance right away. Maybe even today. He
reached for the check I had just signed.
Youll never regret this, he clapped me on the
shoulder. You have just traded this money, he held
up the check, for the secrets of the universe. Not a
bad exchange.
Wait, I said suspiciously. What is an Ethics
Clearance? He had just thrown me a curve.
Oh, its just routine. Everyone going onto the OT
levels has to be cleared by Ethics. Just to make sure
you have no outstanding Ethics cycles.
But I havent had any trouble with Ethics for
years, I protested.
Its just a routine check, he said soothingly.
Look. The OT levels are powerful stuff. If someone
tried to do them with out-ethics, they could get into a
lot of trouble. Maybe even die. Really, its for your
own good.
All right, I decided. Ill go along with the program.
No Ethics Officer is going to stand between me and OT
3.
Soon I was sitting opposite the AO Ethics Officer. I
handed him my Power Routing Form.
Going up the Bridge? he was pleasant but

76

12

Have You Ever Enslaved a Population?

Yeah, the Ethics officer at the Org. And a couple

of people on staff. I did have some unkind thoughts.
But doesnt everybody?
He checked the question again. I still get a read,
he persisted. What do you think it could be?
Well, I had an unkind thought about Diana Hubbard once. I didnt like her piano playing. And at
Christmas I thought it was pretty stingy of Hubbard to
just send us some cheese. And sometimes I resented
that the execs at the Org made so much more money
than I did. I thought some more. Once I refused to
eat the food at the Org. I had unkind thoughts about
the cook. And I had unkind thoughts about another girl
on staff who was going with someone I had a crush on.
I had unkind thoughts about him, too. Thats about all
I can think of.
Ill check the question again, he said. He reread
the question. Thats clean.
What unkind thoughts have you had while I was
doing this check? That reads, he said. Anything?
No, I just dont like this check. Im not sure why
you have to ask all these things just for me to do the
OT levels, I complained.
OK, he acknowledged.
Are you upset about this Security Check? That
reads. Are you upset?
No, not really. Its just that I didnt know about it
and I had thought maybe I could start Power today. So
I was a little upset, but not really. He asked the
question again.
OK, thats clean.
All right. Thats the end of this check. We have
one more check to do but well do it after lunch.
OK?
Fine. I got up and stretched. I wasnt really
hungry so I decided to just take a walk. It was a
beautiful fall day with almost no smog, a rarity in L.A.
After lunch, we resumed the session.
OK, now were going to do the Whole Track Sec
Check. Do you know what that means?
Well, I guessed, whole track is all your past
lives so this must be a sec check of your past lives.
Good, he answered. Well begin.
Have you ever enslaved a population?
I blinked. What? I asked incredulously.
Ill repeat the question, he said with no reaction.
Have you ever enslaved a population?
I didnt say anything.
Thats clean.
Have you ever ordered, or yourself committed,
genocide? Thats clean.
Have you ever annihilated a population? Thats
clean.

money to give to him. So I didnt really, but I was

involved. Thats all. I waited for him to clear the
question.
Thats clean.
Have you ever raped anyone or been raped?
Thats clean.
Have you ever practiced homosexuality?
Thats clean.
Have you ever had intercourse with a member of
your family? Thats clean.
Have you ever had anything to do with Communism or been a Communist? Thats clean.
Have you ever practiced sex with children?
Thats clean.
Have you ever taken money for giving anyone
sexual intercourse? Thats clean.
Have you ever killed or crippled animals for
pleasure? Thats clean.
Have you ever committed a misdemeanor?
Thats clean.
Have you ever committed a felony? Thats
clean.
Have you ever done anything your mother would
be ashamed to find out? That reads. He looked
up at me.
Im not sure what it is. Ive certainly done things
she wouldnt be happy about if she knew about them.
I hesitated.
Like what? he prodded.
Well, like the affair I had in college. She didnt
know about that. And I used to smoke marijuana before I got into Scientology.
I closed my eyes and tried to think. I had a party in
our house once when my parents were both away. And
some relationships Ive had in Scientology. She probably wouldnt approve. Thats about all. I yawned.
He asked the question again. Thats clean.
Have you ever practiced sex with animals?
Thats clean.
Have you ever murdered anyone? Thats
clean.
Have you ever stolen anything from a Scientology
organization? Thats clean.
Do you know any Communists personally?
Thats clean.
He asked many other questions. An hour and a half
had gone by, I noticed, looking at the clock.
Is there much more? I asked.
No, were almost finished with this check, he
answered. Just try to be patient. He continued with
his questions.
Have you ever had any unkind thoughts about
Scientologists? That reads. What about it? He
looked up.

77

The Road to Xenu

Have you ever upset an ecology? Thats

clean.
Have you ever practiced terrorism? Thats
clean.
Have you ever bred bodies for degrading purposes? Thats clean.
Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Thats clean.
Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive? Thats clean.
Have you ever caused a planet to disappear?
Thats clean.
Have you ever torn out someones tongue?
Thats clean.
Have you ever blinded anyone? Thats clean.
Have you ever smothered a baby? Thats
clean.
Have you ever participated in a sexual relationship
between a doll body and a human body? Thats
clean.
Have you ever made love to a dead body?
Thats clean.
Have you ever tortured another with electrical, or
electronic devices? Thats clean.
Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Clean.
A brutal jailer? Clean.

A corrupt judge? Clean.

An ungrateful child? Clean.
A wicked mother? Clean.
A bad father? Clean.
An abortionist? Clean.
Have you ever abandoned your sick, or dead, to the
enemy? Thats clean.
Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
Thats clean.
After over three hundred such questions, we finished
the check.
Clean as a whistle, commented the Ethics Officer. Youre ready to start your Power. Good luck,
he said as he initialed my Power Routing Form.
I got up. Well, I feel better, I told him. He
looked up.
I guess I never knew there were so many things I
didnt do, I reflected. Sort of makes me feel good.
I walked out of his office, glad to be finished with
the strange questions. Conditioned as I was to the
bizarre and the unusual from my very first day in
Scientology, I dismissed the events of the day as just
another step forward on the Yellow Brick Road to Total Freedom.
I felt like clicking my heels.
Soon I would be in Oz!

78

Chapter 13

We Are All Many

to completing my Power.
Soon I was routed onto the Solo Course, where I
would be trained as a solo auditor. On the lower
levels of Scientology, one is always audited by another
person, but on the upper levels one audits oneself. Instead of holding the cans in both hands, on the Solo
levels one holds two cans soldered together in one hand
while using the other hand to operate the meter and
write the session notes.
The theory section of the Solo Course was mystifying. The Course began with as essay by Hubbard
titled, The Inner Structure of the Mind.
We are going to delineate for you the inner structure of the reactive mind, Hubbard writes in this essay.

I took my seat in the lobby of the AO to wait for my

first session on the level called Power. Three or four
other pre-OTs were also silently waiting for sessions. For some reason there was never much conversation in the waiting room of the AO. I looked around
at the room. The carpets throughout the building were
a deep royal blue, and the walls a stark white. The Sea
Org colors, I realized, blue and white. A bronze lifesized bust of L. Ron Hubbard was mounted on a pedestal facing the entrance, keeping a silent vigil over all
who entered below.
The windows were open and a breeze, unusually
fresh and clean for L.A., billowed the curtains flapping
in the windows and playfully scattered pieces of paper
from the desk of Tech Services onto the floor. I
reached over to retrieve several slips of paper just as
my name was called by the Tech Page. I followed the
young boy who was acting as Page down the long
hallway to a closet-sized auditing room about halfway
around the building. My auditors name was Sandy, a
short red-haired woman wearing a Sea Org uniform.
Pick up the cans please, she said, wasting no
time.
After the usual preliminaries, she began the Power
process.
Tell me a source, she commanded.
A source, I paused, thinking. Well, the sun.
The sun is a source.
Good, she continued. Tell me about it.
Well, it gives off heat and light. It provides life
energy to the Earth.
OK. Tell me a no source.
A rock is a no source. It doesnt give off anything.
All right. Tell me a source.
I already knew the answer.
Me. Im a source. I have the ability to think, to
make postulates, and to carry out those postulates.
Your needle is floating, Sandy confirmed. End
of process.
Thats it? Thats all there is to Power? I was
stunned.
So three minutes and six hundred dollars after we
had started, I was on my way to the Examiner to attest

The core of the reactive mind is the R6 (Routine 6)

bank. It is surrounded by engrams and secondaries
which must be wiped out to get at the core itself. And
what does the R6 bank consist of? You may be
surprised to learn it is groups of words called GPMs
(Goals-Problems-Mass) which serve to confuse a thetan.
They are the cause of aberration. The contents of the R6
bank are aberrated stable data.

According to Hubbard, the reactive mind in each

person on Earth is the legacy of millenia of implanting.
In the implants, the thetan, between lives, is pinned to a
wall with electronic beams and then programmed with
opposing pairs of words, called terms and oppterms, while simultaneously being zapped with
powerful electronic beams. The result is a permanently
crippled and confused thetan who is then sent back to
Earth to pick up a new body and start another
lifetime in captivity.
On the Solo Course, one learns to audit these pairs of
words, thus becoming freed from the devastating effects of the hypothetical implants. The most interesting
skill learned on the Solo Course is called the Dating
Drill. In this drill one partner picks out a fictitious
date, while the other partner, using the E-meter, has to
discover the exact date. The date will typically run into
the billions or trillions of years.
For example, if my partner were to pick out a date of
260 billion, 376 million, 492 thousand, 790 years, the
dating drill process would go something like this: Is
the date tens of years, hundreds of years, thousands of

79

The Road to Xenu

Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 400

thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 450
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 475
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 480
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 490
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 495
thousand years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 376 million 495
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date 260 billion 376 million 491 thousand
years? No tick.
Is the date 260 billion 376 million 492 thousand
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 500 years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 750 years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 800 years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 800 years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 775 years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 780 years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 790 years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 376 million 492
thousand 790 years? No tick.
Is the date 260 billion 376 million 492 thousand
790 years? Tick.
I would like to indicate that the date is 260 billion
376 million 492 thousand 790 years.
End of drill!
While studying the Theory section of the Solo
Course, I was told that I would need a lockable briefcase and a dog leash for the upper levels. So I went to
J.C. Penneys with the charge card my father had given
me to use for limited purchases, and bought an inexpensive briefcase. Then I went to the nearest 7Eleven store to buy a dog leash.
When carrying the secret upper level materials, it
was required that they be locked inside the briefcase,
and the briefcase attached to ones arm with the dog
leash. This was a security precaution to prevent the
theft or loss of the greatly valued and confidential upper level materials.
To do the Solo auditing, I locked myself into a room
at the house, set up my meter, and began to run the

years, tens of thousands of years, hundreds of

thousands of years, millions of years, tens of millions
of years, hundreds of millions of years, billions of
years, tens of billions of years, hundreds of billions of
years?
Theoretically, I would get a small tick on the needle
of the meter, registering my partners charge on the
correct item, hundreds of billions of years. Once
this has been confirmed, then I will narrow down the
years even further.
Is the date more than 500 billions of years?
There should be no tick.
Is the date less than 500 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 300 billions of years? No
tick.
Is the date less than 300 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 200 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 250 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 275 billions of years? No
tick.
Is the date less than 275 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billions of years? No
tick.
Is the date less than 260 billions of years? No
tick.
Is the date 260 billions of years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 500 millions of
years? No Tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 500 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 250 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 300 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 400 millions of
years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 400 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 350 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 375 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 380 millions of
years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 380 millions of
years? Tick.
Is the date 260 billion 376 millions of years?
Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 500
thousand years? No tick.
Is the date less than 260 billion 376 million 500
thousand years? Tick.
Is the date more than 260 billion 376 million 250
thousand years? Tick.

80

13

process.
What am I dramatizing? I asked myself.
Then I had to locate one-half of the word pair that I
had been implanted with. For example, I might use the
word Smart. Then I had to find the antonym.
Dumb.
Then I would read this pair of words aloud until
there was no reaction on the E-meter.

We Are All Many

AO.
Now I was ready for the great leap into the Unknown. I was ready for OT 3, on which I would learn
the secret of the universe which had eluded Man for
millions of years.
I had a friend, an older man named Les, who volunteered to come with me during my first day on OT 3
and coach me on the materials. We drove together to
the AO.
Nervous? he asked, lighting a cigarette.
Yeah, a little. Ive only been waiting ten years to
do this level, I answered.
Well, just think, in another hour or so, you will
know the great secret. You will be one of us. He
winked at me.
At the AO, I first had to find the locked room where
the materials for OT 3 were kept, a small closet just
across from the OT 3 course-room.
I knocked on the door. A slim Sea Org member
unlocked the door to let me in, then quickly locked the
door behind me. I had to unlock my briefcase and
show him that it was empty. He then handed me a
brown envelope containing the OT 3 materials. I
locked this envelope in the briefcase which was
leashed to my arm. He checked to make sure that the
briefcase was actually locked. Then he let me out of
that room, and locked the door behind me.
He escorted me across the hall and I knocked on the
door of the OT 3 classroom. The door was unlocked to
let me in, then locked again behind me. I am quite sure
that not even the Pentagon has better security than
Scientology.
Les was saving me a seat in the classroom. I sat
down, unlocked my briefcase and pulled out the
treasured envelope. Smiling at Les, I opened the envelope and pulled out several pages which were copies
of pages handwritten by Hubbard. I began to read.

Lazy. Industrious.
Fat. Thin.
Quiet. Loud.
Careful. Careless.
Isolating. Gregarious.
Neat. Sloppy.
Friendly. Unfriendly.
Etc.

When there were no more words to find, then I was

finished with Solo. And theoretically, I had a picture
of the exact implant structure of my mind.
The Clearing Course was a bizarre course containing
lists of objects that I had to spot in my space.
Some of these objects were:
Hollow triangles going away and coming in.
Hollow circles going away and coming in.
Hollow squares going away and coming in.
Hollow ellipses going away and coming in.
Hollow cubes going away and coming in.
Hollow prisms going away and coming in.
Hollow cylinders going away and coming in.
[And so on with a number of other shapes.]

There were a number of other bizarre practices.

It may be difficult to understand why approximately
40,000 people in this country and 60,000 people overseas would willingly subject themselves to such insane
procedures. The only explanation I can offer is that it
is quite possible to hypnotize a person to believe anything, or to perform any action, no matter how
ridiculous, without question. The cognitive function of
the persons mind is completely disengaged. Can a
persons mind be controlled? The answer is yes.
After finishing the Clearing Course I gave my Clear
speech. Something to the effect that I was happy to
finally be At Cause in my life without the burden of the
reactive mind that I have been carrying around for
thousands of years. OT 1 consisted of one command.
Spot a person. I went to a local mall and spotted
people for several hours until I came to a cognition
and realized that I was different than any other person
in the world. At which point I finished OT 1.
OT 2 was another bizarre level on which I had to
audit some curious things. Including The Arrow, The
Woman, The White Black Sphere, Hot Cold, LaughterCalm, Dance Mob, and the Double Rod. I soon
finished and attested to being an OT 2 Completion. I
gave my success speech to cheers in the lobby of the

The head of the Galactic Federation (76 planets around

larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000
years ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250
billion or so per planet, 178 billion on average) by mass
implanting.
He caused people to be brought to
Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H-bomb on the principal
volcanos (Incident II) and then the Pacific area ones
were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic ones to
Las Palmas and there packaged.
His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various
misleading data by means of circuits etc. was placed in
the implants.
When through with his crime loyal officers (to the
people) captured him after six years of battle and put
him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is.
They are gone. The place (Confederation) has since
been a desert. The length and brutality of it all was such
that this Confederation never recovered. The implant is
calculated to kill (by pneumonia etc) anyone who attempts to solve it. This liability has been dispensed with

81

The Road to Xenu

by my tech development.
One can freewheel through the implant and die unless
it is approached as precisely outlined. The freewheel
(auto-running on and on) lasts too long, denies sleep etc.
and one dies. So be careful to do only Incidents I and II
as given and not plow around and fail to complete one
thetan at a time.
In December 1967 I knew someone had to take the
plunge. I did and emerged very knocked out, but alive.
Probably the only one ever to do so in 75,000,000 years.
I have all the data now, but only that given here is
needful.
Ones body is a mass of individual thetans stuck to
oneself or to the body.
One has to clean them off by running Incident II and
Incident I. It is a long job, requiring care, patience and
good auditing. You are running beings. They respond
like any preclear. Some large, some small.
Thetans believed they were one. This is the primary
error. Good luck.

from your mind. And Power enabled the dominant

being in the cluster to separate out so that it you
could audit the rest of the guys.
You mean that everyone on the upper levels is just
auditing to get rid of their body thetans? I was still
incredulous.
Well, you have to do it to appreciate what it will do
for you. You wont believe how good and clean you
will feel after a few hours of OT 3. He put his arm
around my shoulder.
It kind of reminds me of a dog getting rid of its
fleas, I remarked. Somehow, its just not what I had
expected.
During the remaining days on the course, I learned
how to locate and run my body thetans. You
had to close your eyes and locate a feeling of pressure
somewhere on your body. Then telepathically audit the
body thetan. You would first audit the thetan through
Incident II, which was done by asking the thetan to
visualize:
1. The area of the atomic explosion (Hawaii or Las
Palmas).
2. The H-bomb dropped on the volcano.
3. The explosion.
4. Terrific winds.
5. The thetan carried over the peak of the volcano.
6. An electronic ribbon coming up.
7. The thetan sticking to the electronic ribbon.
8. The ribbon pulled down and the thetan implanted.
9. A picture of a pilot saying that he is mocking it
up.
10. Implant pictures, including God, devil, etc.
11. The thetan cognites and leaves.
And if the body thetan does not leave (if you did not
get a floating needle), then you have to run the body
thetan on Incident I, which is described as follows:

The remaining pages in the packet I had been given

elaborated the detailed procedures to be used in auditing out ones body thetans.
Break came, and I was feeling very perplexed as I
followed Les out of the building.
Well, what do you think? he asked eagerly.
I was feeling very strange. I had been programmed
under hypnosis for ten years to accept as gospel everything said or written by Hubbard. I had paid thousands
of dollars to gain access to the privileged OT 3
material. I was programmed to believe. But the
materials were too absurd to be believed. The result
was that my mind, like a computer which has come
upon data impossible to analyze, simply refused to
compute. I felt as if my mind had been completely
shut down. I had an eerie sensation of mental floating, of being mentally suspended in time and space.
Hubbard had jammed my mind. And from that point
I became a total pawn. Not able to think, I was a
completely programmable stimulus-response machine.
I had become a robot. Or, to use the phrase now
popular among ex-Scientologists, a Rondroid.
I feel sort of strange, I said to Les. I feel like
Im floating. And Im not sure I understood what I just
read.
What didnt you understand?
Well, is he saying that because this guy Xenu, millions of years ago, blew up thousands of thetans and
caused them to become clustered together, that now
everyone on Earth is some kind of multiple personality? And that what we have to do now is audit all
these other thetans stuck to us so that they can leave
and go get their own bodies?
Exactly, Les looked at me proudly. You understand it just fine. You see, everything in Scientology
has been leading up to this level. The purpose of your
lower grades was to erase some of the lighter charge

1. Loud snap.
2. Waves of light.
3. Chariot comes out, turns right and left.
4. Cherub comes out.
5. Blows horn, comes close.
6. Shattering series of snaps.
7. Cherub fades back (retreats).
8. Blackness dumped on thetan.

This implant, according to Hubbard, happened

four quadrillion years ago. I dutifully completed the
theory section of the course, then took my E-meter
back to the house and began to audit OT 3.
I held the Solo cans in my right hand, leaving my
left hand free to work the meter and write my session
notes.
I closed my eyes.
Soon I felt a pressure on my head (or imagined I
did). There was a flicker on the meter.
I concentrated on making telepathic contact with the

82

13

We Are All Many

water, Florida to do this new level.

I was routed back to the Registrar. At this point I
was beyond caring about the cost. I signed over the
balance in my account, $16,000, to the AO. It was all
or nothing. I flew to Florida.
In November of 1979, I arrived at Flag, the new
Flag Land Base established when Hubbard had
brought the floating Sea Org ashore several years before. I was given a room with two other OTs in the
Scientology hotel.
In my first NED session, I was told that there were
additional body thetans stuck to me that needed to be
audited. These BTs had not responded to OT 3
because they were unconscious or asleep. Before they could be audited, they had to be awakened.
The sessions continued in the bizarre fashion of the
OT 3 sessions. First I had to close my eyes and locate
a ridge of sleeping BTs. I had to close my eyes,
visualize the ridge of dormant BTs and flow
energy at them until they woke up. Then they could be
audited on OT 3.
Finally, ten years too late, I balked.
No way. This is ridiculous. I cant do this. This
isnt what I expected. From the day I started NED
for OTs, my life became a constant Review session. I
was becoming more and more desperate. I panicked as
the money and the time in my intensives dwindled. I
was getting no results.
This isnt working, I complained to the Examiner. You have to find out whats wrong.
I started to complain to other students who were on
the same level. Its not working for me. Is it working for you?
Yes, they would answer. Its incredible. Im
having incredible wins.
In the warped logic of a Scientologist, it was forbidden to think that there might be something wrong with
the tech. In other words, it was forbidden to think
or say that the Emperor had no clothes.
Therefore there must be something wrong with me.
But what?
One night I had an especially bad nightmare and my
screaming woke half the building. I was sent for
another review.
The next day, I woke up to find a Sea Org member
stationed outside my room. Whats going on? I
asked her.
Ive been posted here, she answered. Youve
been ordered to stay in your room. Your meals are
going to be brought up here.
But why? I asked.
Until your case has been straightened out, she
answered tersely.
I went back in the room and sat down on the bed.

disembodied being. Was it Hawaii or Las Palmas?

I asked the invisible thetan, watching my meter for a
reaction.
Las Palmas. Good I acknowledged him.
Then I had him visualize Incident II. If I got a
floating needle, it meant that the body thetan had left
me. If the needle didnt float, then I had to audit the
thetan on Incident I. I tried to do my best at this procedure, but I was soon in trouble.
Youre going to need a review, the Tech Sec
(Technical Secretary) looked at me seriously.
I walked glumly from the AO back to my house. I
was scheduled for a Review tomorrow. I was still experiencing the strange floating feeling. My mind was
still suspended. I could not think.
Lately I had been having strange nightmares. I was
feeling more and more peculiar. And it was getting
worse.
In my Review, it was found that I had overrun the
last body thetan I was auditing. This was corrected and
I was sent back to my house to continue the auditing.
After several more sessions, I managed to obtain a dialwide floating needle, and was declared to be an OT 3
Completion.
But where were my gains? Why wasnt I able to
leave my body at will, as had been advertised? Where
were my psychic abilities?
I began to have an alarming array of physical
problems. There was an outbreak of hepatitis at the
house. A health department nurse came to innoculate
everyone living in the house, but I had already begun to
run a high fever. I was audited to spot the suppressive
I was connected to. Nothing came up. I continued to
have nightmares. On two occasions I woke up in the
dark, screaming, thoroughly alarming the other people
sleeping in the room.
I started to have migraine headaches severe enough
to keep me in bed for the whole day. And even though
I was taking the antibiotics mandated by the health
department, my fever persisted.
Finally, I was called into Tech Services. I felt more
dead than alive.
Im afraid you are going to need some more advanced auditing than OT 3, I was informed by the
Tech Sec. Some people resolve most of their case
on OT 3, but others require an additional auditing procedure.
The auditing that I needed, I was told, was a new
level just developed by Hubbard called New Era
Dianetics for OTs, or NED for OTs. The cost: $8,000
per 25 hour intensive. Unfortunately, I would not
be accepted by the AO for this auditing unless I bought
at least two intensives of NED for OTs. In addition, I
would have to fly to the more advanced AO in Clear-

83

The Road to Xenu

was shuffled into a waiting van. Three guards rode

with me in the back of the van.
Where are we going? I asked curiously.
To the airport, was the curt reply.
We disembarked at Tampa International airport. I
was escorted to the waiting area for Northwest Airlines. I noticed the destination marked behind the
ticket check-in counter: Detroit, Michigan.
What? I looked at my guards in confusion.
We located your parents, one of the guards said
to me in an emotionless voice.
You are to go back to Michigan. Here are your
instructions.
I was handed a thick packet of
materials.
The plane was boarding. One of the guards put his
hand around my arm and directed me toward the waiting plane. The two other guards disappeared. I flew
with my guard to Michigan, where my father was waiting for me at the airport. The guard immediately
booked a return flight to Florida.
I rode silently beside my father on the forty minute
drive to Lansing, where my family was now living.
I opened up the packet I had been given at the airport. It was a list of instructions, about thirty pages
long.
I was to pay back Scientology $30,000 for all services I had taken as a staff member. I was to read a
long list of books and write reviews of each one. I was
to run, take vitamins and write a new list of all my
overts, both in this lifetime and in my past lives.
Then I was to retrain on all my levels in Scientology.
I was to start over as a preclear from Dianetics upward.
Once I had trained up to Class 4 and demonstrated that
I could again become a valuable member of the group,
my petition to rejoin the group would be considered.
I stared in disbelief at the document.
Suddenly the truth exploded in my mind.
I had been exiled from Scientology.
I had been offloaded.

Maybe, I thought excitedly, maybe theyre going to send me over the rainbow (the Scientology
code words to refer to the location, unknown to anyone
except a very few select Sea Org members, where Hubbard was in hiding). At four oclock in the afternoon,
my female guard was replaced by another Sea Org
member, this one a stocky male.
The day went by, two days, a week, then three
weeks. I paced in the room and slept to pass the time.
One night, I looked outside the door where the guard
was posted and found, to my surprise, that my guard
for the evening, a young man in uniform, was sound
asleep. It was after twelve oclock and the building
was quiet. I crept past the sleeping guard and went out
the side door of the building. I walked nonchalantly
past the night watchman.
A block away, I realized that I was free. But where
to go? I couldnt go the the suppressive police. I had
no money. And it was nearly one oclock in the morning.
I couldnt think. I walked a few blocks to a small
deck on the bay belonging to a nearby condominium
complex. I took off my shoes and sat on the edge of
the deck, dangling my bare feet in the cool water.
I looked out over the bay at the twinkling night
lights. The water lapped rhythmically onto the shore.
The sky was cloudless and starry. It was a picture of
complete peace, a soothing contrast to the chaos churning inside me.
I sat there for an hour, two hours. I tried to think,
but thinking didnt produce any new options. After a
while, I began to feel chilled. Slowly, feeling defeated,
I made my way back to the hotel.
I went back up to my room, slipped past the still
sleeping guard, and lay down on my bed.
My prison did not have locked doors. They were not
needed. My prison consisted of the locked doors in my
mind.
One night, shortly after my midnight venture, I was
given the order to pack my things. The next morning I

84

Chapter 14

Back in the Wog World

been given to me when I left Florida. When the

program was completed, I could then reapply for membership in Scientology. The letter was written on official Sea Org letterhead.
So, lacking any better plan, I decided to begin working on the program. I saw no other alternative for my
life than to work, no matter how slowly or painfully,
my way back into the good graces of my group.
A few blocks from my parents house there was a
busy restaurant. I applied for a job and began to work
at waiting tables. I knew that my mind was still too
disorganized to work at anything more complex. Office work was, at least temporarily, out of the question.
I was still not even able to concentrate on the mundane
task of reading the morning newspaper. I could not
extract the meaning from the printed word, a condition
that was to last for several months.
I buried myself in restaurant work, signing up for the
maximum hours possible. Each week, I sent a few
hundred dollars to Flag to be credited toward my debt
of $30,000. At the rate I was sending money to Clearwater, I calculated, it would take me approximately
eight years and four months to pay off my debt.
Even though outwardly I was an outcast, in my heart I
was still a dedicated Scientologist. I proudly wore my
Scientology jewelry to work, and when anyone asked
about it, launched into a fervent testimonial about the
incalculable benefits of auditing. At home, I buried
myself in my Scientology books, working feverishly at
the essays I had been required to write. I lived only for
the day that I would be exonerated and accepted back
into my group.
The months went by. I continued to wait on tables
and to surrender my earnings to Scientology. My
parents had insisted that I see a counselor, an act
strictly forbidden by Scientology, to whom any mental
health practitioner was a mortal enemy. But to satisfy
my parents I finally agreed to some sessions with a
social worker in a nearby clinic. In the year that I met
with this counselor, I never once mentioned Scientology. Why should I defend my group to a suppressive
enemy who would probably be constitutionally incapable of appreciating the wisdom of Hubbard and his
tech?

I sat in the living room of my parents comfortable

house in Michigan working on a jigsaw puzzle of the
Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria. The remains of a
burning log were spitting in the fireplace. Outside the
large picture window behind me, snow was falling
softly in the fairyland white world of the Michigan
winter.
The first few days back in the wog world were the
hardest. The shock of my sudden excommunication
from the only world I had known for the past twelve
years, as well as the already tenuous condition of my
mind after months of the bizarre upper level practices
of Scientology, combined to create a certain alienation
from reality.
The English language, devoid of the liberally
sprinkled Scientology words and phrases I was accustomed to, sounded strange to my ears. I had the
peculiar feeling, when watching television, that I was
somehow listening to a foreign language. Yet I knew
all the words.
I did not know how to deal with the fact that I was
back in the wog world after an absence of twelve years.
One night, I gathered all my Scientology certificates
that I had brought with me on the plane and lay them
out on my bed. Realizing that they had nothing to do
with the vocational currency of the wog world, I impulsively took them down to the fireplace and burned
them one by one, watching as the fire curled the edges
of the heavy papers and transformed them into equallyworthless ash.
I was still experiencing the uncomfortable mental
phenomena that had originated on OT 3. Sometimes it
would seem as if my mind were disintegrating into a
thousand tiny pieces which imploded into an internal
cosmos. Instinctively, my father had bought me the
jigsaw puzzle, and for two weeks I did nothing else
than assemble the intricate pieces. Symbolically, I was
attempting to assemble the scattered fragments of my
mind.
I wrote a letter to the Director of Technical Services
at Flag. Would they please reconsider their action and
allow me to return to Flag, I pleaded. A week later, I
received my reply. No, I was informed, in a short and
terse note. I was to continue with the program that had

85

The Road to Xenu

then drove with me to a small house near the university. Interdenominational Student Center, a sign read
over the door.
Inside I met Frank Fuller, the director of the center.
It just happened that Frank had recently been researching Scientology. He showed me to a small room in the
center with a cot. Exhausted, I slept for over twelve
hours. The next day, Frank sat down with me at the
kitchen table and handed me a steaming cup of strong
coffee. It cleared my mind. He had with him a stack
of papers which he placed conspicuously in front of
me.
Now, were going to go through some information
about Scientology, he informed me. Im not requiring that you believe everything that I show you. I just
want to know if you would be willing to look at some
things with me.
Why not, I thought. I knew that I had hit a dead
end. Moving in any direction had to be better than
staying where I was.
Lets talk about Hubbard, he began. And for the
next hour he told me things about Hubbard that I had
never known. That he was not the person he had
portrayed himself to be.
Point by point we went through the biography of
Hubbard I had been exposed to in the cult. According
to Frank, almost everything Hubbard had said about
himself was a lie. And Frank had the documents to
prove it.
His grandfather, I read, did not own a cattle ranch
one fourth the size of Montana. Hubbard grew up in a
house in an average small Montana town. He did not
travel extensively in Asia as a teenager. His travels
were mostly in his imagination. And he was not the
decorated war hero he had portrayed himself to be. In
fact, his war record was deplorable and the end of the
war found him in a Navy psychiatric ward.
There were hundreds of lies.
But why would he lie to us? I asked incredulously. It was true, I thought, I never questioned
the things he told us about himself. It never even occurred to me to question him. I just blindly believed.
I looked at the failing transcript of Hubbards college record. He had told us he was one of the first
students of nuclear physics. Yet according to his
transcript he had failed the course. And there was a
damaging letter he had written to the Veterans Administration, begging for psychiatric help, complaining
of periods of moroseness and suicidal inclinations.
I sat with Frank for hours that day, as my god was
systematically dethroned. Hubbard, I learned, was a
bigamist and a satanist. He had been married simultaneously to both his first and second wife. Frank
showed me proof that Hubbard was deeply involved in

A year and a half after being offloaded from Scientology, a new phenomenon began to emerge. I became
increasingly irritable both at work and at home. I was
unable to explain my explosive outbursts. Finally, I
was forced to take a leave of absence from work.
I had a compulsion to read about other cults. My
mind was attempting to heal. Like the young green
plants in the spring poking through the melting winter
snow, my mind and my emotions were stirring to life in
some unknown subterranean region within.
I wrote a new letter to Florida begging to be allowed
to return to Florida. One day, several weeks later I
received the reply. We are proud that you are doing
so well, I read. Just continue to do well.
I became more and more angry as the day wore on.
They were not answering my question. Why couldnt I
go back?
Anger churned inside me all day. At night, an unthinkable thought surfaced into consciousness. I
wanted to call a lawyer. I wanted to sue Scientology. I
was overwhelmed with terror. To sue Scientology was
one of the very worst suppressive sins. Even the
thought was suppressive. Committing a suppressive
act would leave me no hope for redemption for trillions
of years. To sue Scientology would be to call down
doom upon my soul.
Yet the strange urge persisted. One night, without
thinking, I made the call. I called information for the
number of an attorney in Boston who I knew had
litigated in the past against Scientology. I was able to
reach him and I told him about my situation. He
agreed to consider my case. I needed to send him a
complete report. He would probably refer the case to
an associate of his in Florida, he explained.
My heart was thudding as I put down the phone.
There. I had done it. It could not be undone.
The telephone call to the lawyer precipitated a crisis.
I became acutely suicidal. I planned to take an overdose of medication I had been given by the clinic for
anxiety. I knew the dose I was considering would be
fatal. I emptied the bottle of pills into my hand. The
point of no return was just a swallow away. Suddenly I
threw the pills into the sink, grabbed my fathers keys
and ran outside to his car. I drove for hours through
the city, trying to think. My situation, it seemed to me,
was hopeless.
I stopped at a phone booth and looked through the
yellow pages. I called the city hospital. Could someone please help me, I cried into the phone. It was a
Catholic hospital. Soon I was talking to a priest, Father
Steve. He gave me directions to the hospital.
When I arrived, he met me and took me to the
cafeteria. Over hot chocolate and out of desperation I
told him my situation. He spent several hours with me,

86

14

the occult, performing satanic rituals devised by his

mentor, the English satanist Aleister Crowley.
Yet I still couldnt let go.
Hubbard was a habitual user of drugs, under the influence of which most of the Scientology catechism
had been written. In that light, I thought, books like
The History of Man made more sense. And he had a
habit of using affirmations which he repeated every
day. One of which was: All men shall be my slaves!
All women shall succumb to my charms! All mankind
shall grovel at my feet and not know why!
After a few days, I returned home. I felt confused,
stunned, betrayed. Why had I never questioned any of
these things? Why had I accepted everything without
thinking?
Much later I arrived at an answer to these questions.
At the age of seventeen, I was naive, gullible. I had
been raised in a system in which I was programmed to
accept the words of adults without questioning them.
My parents, my teachers had always been right. And I
had made the fatal unconscious assumption that since I
was honest and had good motives, then others must be
too. As a teenager, I had never been disillusioned or
deceived. I was unprepared for a monster like Hubbard
who knowingly used hypnosis and mind control to
entrap me in order to exploit me for his own purposes.
The turning point came for me one day in October of
1981. Frank had taken me to a deserted church where
we sat in the empty pews and I soaked in the longforgotten comfort of the religion I had abandoned
many years before getting into Scientology. I knew in
my mind that I was going to have to make a choice.
Who would be my God? Would it be Hubbard? Or

Back in the Wog World

would it be the god of my childhood whom I had abandoned long ago?

I knew the answer. Hubbard was not worthy of godhood. Not any more. Strangely and miraculously,
having made my choice, one night I suddenly snapped
out of the hypnotic trance I had been in for twelve
years. I literally woke up, as if an invisible hypnotist
had snapped invisible fingers. And I knew from that
moment that I would never return to Scientology. A
decision began to emerge. I would, I decided, return to
Florida to talk with the attorney to whom I had been
referred by the lawyer in Boston. Over the ensuing
weeks, this resolve hardened into action.
In November of 1981 I returned to Clearwater. The
attorney accepted my case. And my case against the
Church of Scientology, ten years later, is still pending.
Coming to know the truth about Scientology was by
no means the end of my problems. It has taken me ten
years and hundreds of hours of counseling to come to
terms with my experience in Scientology and to deal
with the considerable anger I felt toward the man and
the organization responsible for my exploitation and
betrayal.
I still have nightmares about Scientology. The healing process continues. But I am free. And having been
once deceived by a great master of deception, I know I
can never be deceived in the same way again. I will
never again cede away the deed to my mind, not to
anyone, no matter how convincing they may be. My
freedom has been purchased at a tremendous cost, and
neither my freedom nor my mind will ever be for sale
again.

87

The Road to Xenu

Epilogue: Blood on the Bedroom Wall

meaning, though misguided, people. Most Scientologists are very likeable. But all Scientologists are
fanatic about one thing, Scientology, and, as many
parents have discovered, concerning that one subject
they are impervious to reason: the result of years of
hypnotic training.
Parents are helpless against Scientology. The one
effective way of extracting a loved one from this cult,
deprogramming, is illegal, because restraining someone
against his or her will is considered kidnapping, a
felony under United States law. The fact that the loved
one, often a minor, has been psychologically kidnapped
by the cult, and in the case of Scientology, hypnotized
without knowledge or consent, is not taken into consideration by the courts. Hopefully, in time, that will
change.
My life is different in many subtle ways because of
my experience in Scientology. I have psychological
scars similar, I believe, to someone who has been
raped. I frequently have nightmares about the cult. I
feel deceived and betrayed on many different levels:
mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. I
will never again trust in the same way that I did before
Scientology.
There are other scars as well. It is not possible for
me to see displays of Hubbards books in the
bookstores, especially the Dianetics book, which has
successfully lured thousands of unsuspecting people
into Scientology, without feeling a sense of revulsion.
I have the same reaction to the Scientology ads on
television. I feel a certain anger, and the sense of
powerlessness of a victim.
Last week, I was wandering through the flea market
at the local university. Once a week the university
sponsors an open-air flea market where vendors can
sell their wares, and students can buy inexpensive
clothes, plants, and books, etc. Last week I noticed a
new display. A young man was selling Dianetics
books to the students.
And as I watched, a young girl, perhaps seventeen or
eighteen years old, was listening raptly to the
Scientologists spiel. There was a forlorn air about her,
an air of one who is lost and who is seeking. Instantly
I was thrust into a time warp, as I watched myself
twenty some years earlier listening transfixed to the
beguiling message of hope and promise. I, she,

Fighting against Scientology can be hazardous.

Since initiating litigation against the Church ten
years ago, I have learned new meanings for the word
harrassment, ranging from the macabre to the
ridiculous. On one steamy Florida summer night
several years ago, I returned to my apartment late at
night to find the door wide open. No one seemed to be
inside. Nothing in the apartment appeared to be disturbed. However, when I went into the bedroom, I saw
that a dark red liquid had been splashed against the
bedroom wall just beside the bed. It was blood, and it
was still wet and still dripping.
On other occasions Scientologists have come to my
apartment or accosted me at the mall where I worked.
Sometimes they would call my boss and ask when and
from which door I would be leaving. Occasionally,
they would wait for me and come up to me as I walked
to my car. On two occasions, my life was threatened.
If you dont drop your lawsuit against the Church, I
was told, you know what will happen to you. They
didnt use the work kill. They didnt have to. From
my experience working for the Guardians Office (now
renamed the Office of Special Affairs), I knew what
they meant. Twice my car has been vandalized. I have
received threatening phone calls at all hours of the
night and day. Ominously, mail has been sent to my
siblings who have small children. And in the most
recent campaign against me, someone has been leaving
my phone number on the beepers of various men in my
city, resulting in some curious late-night phone calls.
My old friend Antonio is still alive, and, to my
knowledge, still in Scientology. Aileen, the lovely lady
who was the founder of Celebrity Center in Los Angeles, died about fifteen years ago from a brain tumor,
remaining until her death a dedicated and loyal Scientologist.
I believe Scientology to be one of the most, if not the
most, vicious of the three thousand or so cults in the
United States today. I believe that many Scientologists, if they should come to know that their mission on planet Earth is doomed to failure, would willingly commit suicide on command. There are rumors
that one of the secret upper levels contains suicide
training. If this is true, Jonestown would pale in comparison with the potential for disaster in Scientology.
Most Scientologists are good, loyal and well-

88

Epilogue: Blood on the Bedroom Wall

reached out for the book.

Excuse me, I ran after her through the crowded
market. She looked at me in surprise. That book you
have there, I pointed to the Dianetics book. That
book is about a dangerous cult, Scientology. I know
because I was in it for twelve years.
She looked suspicious. Look, I continued, pleading, desperate to save her, myself. Here, Ill give you
the five dollars you paid for the book. You dont need
it. Its a cult. I dont want you to have to go through
what I have been through.

She smiled, and handed me the book. Fine, she

said as she took my money. And thanks. Then she
disappeared into the crowd.
I walked over to the trash bin and buried the book
deep inside the bin. Then I, too, turned and walked
into the crowd.
If only, I couldnt help thinking, if only someone had been able to warn me.
But I had the great satisfaction of knowing that, because of my experience, there would be one less victim
of Scientology. And that one is enough.

89