THIS MONTH’S MOTTO

Don’t take life too seriously!

No one gets out alive anyway!

Page 7 - Expand your mind with these

Interesting & yet useless facts!
NEW MOUNTAIN RANGE Page 16 - High Tech Tirade!
Page 18 - CM uncovers cases of ‘Foot
DISCOVERED ON NORTH COAST In Mouth Disease’!
Geologists are looking into the discovery of
what seems to be a newly forming mountain
range in the North Coast community of WHERE ARE WE??
Costambar. While admittedly not quite on You can find copies of Costambar Monthly
the scale of the Cordillera Septentrional, at the following locations:
this lesser mountain range is still quite im-
pressive. The tallest peak, The Costambar
Gate Peak, has proved insurmountable for COSTAMBAR PUERTO PLATA
many and only the strong survive. Essential Jenny’s Market Supermercado Tropical
life fluids, such as oil and gas, found on the Loase Resort Sam’s Bar & Grill
ground nearby are evidence of the victims it
has claimed. Other peaks in the area, while The Meeting Place
daunting, have at least proved less fatal a
challenge to most. And geologists are excit-
ed about the chance to actually observe the LAS ROCAS
formation of a series of new peaks they have Los Tres Cocos
named the Los Mangos range.

INSIDE COFRESI
What’s Happening
Desperado’s
Useful Telephone Numbers
Classified Listings
Cable TV Channel Listing
The Rainy Day Page LUPERON
Dominican Republic Map Banegra’s Marine Store
AND LOTS OF OTHER FUN STUFF!

AVAILABLE ONLINE!!
www.costambarmonthly.com
Costambar Monthly page 2

WHAT TO DO
THIS MONTH!
Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try
something different. Like Australian Lamb,
Imperial Duck Breast or French Lamb Rack - just
to name a few. Call 809-993-4503 for details.

Loase Resort is available for weddings,

birthdays, spiritual or self improvement groups.
Look for classes in meditation and yoga or
workout with racquetball, handball or wallyball.
Wireless internet, big screen movies and
concerts.

Sam’s Bar & Grill (Bobby’s World) is under even

newer management! Come out and say hi to
Bobby and Ray and see what their exciting new
plans are! Saturdays is BBQ Day, Traditional THIS MAY BE TAKING
Sunday Dinners and everyday is All Day TOGETHERNESS
Breakfast! The beer is always cold and the JUST A LITTLE TOO FAR!
Grandes are on special!! And don’t miss the
Grand Opening Party April 16th with free buffet!
Everyone’s Welcome at Sam’s!!

In the mood for Mexican? Then pass by

Desperado’s Mexican Cantina. Yummy Mexican
dishes, great ocean views and ice cold beer -
doesn’t get better!

New in Puerto Plata is The Meeting Place! This

is your source for popular novels, children’s book
& guidebooks! And they also specialize in books
with DR related content! And for a limited time
if you mention that you saw their ad in
Costambar Monthly you will receive a free
Rachel Ray Cookbook with a RD$500 purchase!!
Starting soon - Theatre School!
Costambar Monthly page 3

CLASSIFIED ADS FOR SALE

SONY VAIO LAPTOP
Used, but remains in good condition, slight problem with
FOR SALE
screen if used for travel. VGN-CR11S, All white, very
KUBOTA Diesel Engine Generator, 5.5 kW. with three 5
nice looking, Windows Vista, Core 2 Duo (1.8GHz), 2GB
gallons Gerrycan (one is full) Needs repair . Price: 5,000.
Memory, 120GB Disk, Widescreen 14.1", Intergrated
Pesos Call. 809-970-7437
webcam, wireless, bluetooth, SD Card reader, DVD-RW.
FOR SALE
Offers around RD$20,000. John 809-401-1402
"Safeguard" safe, 15"x19"x14"h. Combination and key.
$4500. Photo Mike 809 586 7234.
FOR SALE
2007 Nissan Tilda, bought new in 2009, only 4500 kms,
2yr warranty, perfect condition, leather seats.
US$17000 negotiable
Call 809-988-1322
FOR SALE
HAIR STRAIGHTENERS: Corioliss. Ceramic. Look and Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into
work similar to GHD's. Imported from US. RRP $200. the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
Boxed, barely used sets available at RD$1,500. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when
Call John 809-401-1402 all of a sudden Luis says.........
FOR SALE "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
Fully adjustable portable basketball system with 48 inch
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,
shatter guard xl backboard like new by Lifetime World
& there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
Class.( Cost 330.00 US) 10,000 pesos or best offer. Call There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
Ray @ 809-261-6878 smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
FOR SALE "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
1999 Toyota Super Custom Limited Hiaci Wagon (Mini "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't
Van) .Very comfortable for 7/9 passengers. forget."
EFI Diesel Turbo 6 cyl., automatic,3 sun roofs. Air condi- "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
toned. 169,000 KM. Good condition, well maintained.
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to
Very elegant, exterior color is ivory with grey trim, inte-
within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when sud-
rior is deep red corduroy. Offer at 170,000 RD. Contact denly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet
Julio at cellular 1-829-272-6642 or 809-970-7544. sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying
Email Julio.cofresi@gmail.com breath,
FOR SALE "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
GPS Navigation for Dominican Republic, all the Highways, "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Streets and Road on the entire Island, Points of Interest
Software only for DR $125,00 US works on all Garmin
GPS units
Software & New Garmin GPS Unit $275.00 US Includes
Costambar Monthly classified ads are free
Dominican Republic, USA, Puerto Rico, & Canada maps
But can only be placed by emailing
www.grundie.com/gps 809-543-0728 info@grundie.com
costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca
FOR SALE
Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820
Satellite Dish: 5,000 pesos
PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are
Gas Refrigerator: 12,500 pesos
Chevrolet Pick up Truck: 350,000 pesos only for personal items. Commercial
Call 809-320-1441 or email dianepellerin@yahoo.com properties or enterprises (including real
estate sales or rentals) must purchase an
FOR SALE
ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one
15HP Johnson outboard motor. Short shaft,good runner,
US$800 month only unless we are otherwise
Call cel. 809-449-1819 notified.
Costambar Monthly page 4

DEAR TECH SUPPORT,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband
1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall sys-
tem performance, particularly in the flower and jew-
ellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Per-
sonal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs
4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Houseclean-
ing 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally ex-
fix these problems, but to no avail. hausted after an 18-hour shift.
What can I do? Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal ther-
Signed, mometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
Desperate. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the
flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat,
DEAR DESPERATE, she says:
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertain- 'Well, that's great....that's just great...
ment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating Some asshole's got my pen!'
system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try
to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install
the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as
designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
NIELSEN WELDING & FABRICATION
Located on the Entrance Road to Costambar
run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above applica-
Working with Steel, Stainless Steel
tion can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy & Aluminum
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. New Fabrications and Repairs
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that
will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
We are also Mobile!
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances CALL JAN NIELSEN @ 829-962-9690
install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the back- OR EMAIL tallernielsen@yahoo.com
ground that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources.) A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the tells his mother that he was caught playing doctor
Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported appli- with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.
cation and will crash Husband 1.0. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at
does have limited memory and cannot learn new that age."
applications quickly.. You might consider buying "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's
additional software to improve memory and perfor- taken her appendix out!"
mance. We recommend you try Cooking 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

www.costambarmonthly.com
Costambar Monthly page 5

Birds of a feather flock together . .. . and then

shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

because by then your body and your fat have HANDLING ALL TYPES OF JOBS INCLUDING:
gotten to be really good friends. New Roofing or Roof Repairs
Tile Installation
The easiest way to find something lost around Gas & Water Installation
the house is to buy a replacement .. New Building Construction
Carpentry Work
He who hesitates is probably right. New Pools and Pool Repairs
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for
And more
forty (40) are XL.' Supervision Included
Excellent References
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have Site Clean Up After Job Completion
someone in mind to blame.
Contact Us For a No Obligation Inspection & Quote
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so Cell 829-817-8056 Email haus.service@hotmail.com
he can tell when he's really in trouble.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words Jewish man who had been going to the Western
'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...' Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long
time.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when She went to check it out. She went to the Western
you stop lying about your age and start brag- Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the
ging about it. holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes,
when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN.
way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
What’s your name?"
roads weren't paved.
“Morris Fishbein,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the West-
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go
ern Wall and praying?”
back to your youth, think of Algebra.
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
You know you are getting old when everything “I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and
either dries up or leaks. the Muslims.
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
One of the many things no one tells you about “I pray for all our children to grow up safely as re-
aging is that it is such a nice change from being sponsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”
young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being “And how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
old is comfortable. “Like I’m talking to a freakin’ brick wall!"
Costambar Monthly page 6

BUILDING LOTS FOR SALE You lovers of the English language might enjoy
this. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has
BEAUTIFUL BUILDING LOTS AVAILABLE IN AGUAITA
more meanings than any other two-letter word,
(Approximately 15 minutes from Puerto Plata)
and that is "UP."
Some have incredible views of Brugal Valley, Maimon and the Atlantic
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the
Ocean in beautiful farm country. Rare opportunity to own a piece of
sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken
paradise!! ALL WITH CLEAR TITLES From US$20 per mt2
in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting,
Lot sizes from 700mts to 2000mts why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP
ALSO FOR SALE House with 2 floors on 1063 sq. M. with and why are the officers UP for election and why
incredible view. US$179,995 is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
Call 516-692-7862 or We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten
Email: snovick@netzero.net (subject Aguaita building lots) UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the
SENIOR HEALTH CARE SOLUTION leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other
So you're a senior citizen and the government times the little word has real special meaning. Peo-
says no health care for you, what do you do? ple stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is
and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 sen- one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
ators and 2 representatives. Of course, this And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
means you will be sent to prison where you UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in
will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head,
the morning but we close it UP at night.
and all the health care you need! New teeth, no
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be
problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees,
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look
kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dic-
And who will be paying for all of this? The tionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and
same government that just told you that you can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are
are too old for health care. Plus, because you UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any in- many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your
come taxes anymore. time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP
IS THIS A GREAT PLAN OR WHAT?! with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain,
we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP When it rains, it wets the
earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't
rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now
my time is UP, so it is time to shut UP.

I DON’T EXERCISE -
IT MAKES MY PRESIDENTE
SPILL!
Costambar Monthly page 7
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat
large 3 bdr. home with gym, office, family room, roof
one cup of coffee.
top Jacuzzi. Guest home with 3 bdrs, pool, both properties
(Hardly seems worth it.)
have Central Air and are in move in condition. Property
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, includes a 2 bdr. staff home. Garages, and a dog house if
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an needed. Can rent one house and live in the other,
atomic bomb.. or have a B and B.
(Now that's more like it !) 2 Bdrs, by the ocean, in excellent condition.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it
pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 2 bdrs., 2 bthrs. near beach, in excellent condition.
(O.M.G.!) Fully furnished and ready to move in.
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. – 2 bdrs., 2 bthr., large backyard with two bldgs, that
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)
can be used for entertaining or modified to have extra living
space. Fully furnished
A cockroach will live nine days without its head be- – 3 bdrs., 3 bthrs., balconies in well maintained bldg.,
fore it starves to death. (Creepy.) with pool. Fully furnished, just move in.
(I'm still not over the pig.) – 2 bdrs., 2 bthrs., with large balcony in front of the
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories beach with a pool. Fully furnished.
an hour - 2 bdrs., den, 2 ½ bthrs., with a panoramic view of
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work) the ocean, and excellent condition.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its – 41 ft.
Starting at
head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. Teacher explaining biology to her 4th grade stu-
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) dents. “Human beings are the only animals that
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. stutter,” she says.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who
quantity) stuttered.”
Butterflies taste with their feet. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
(Something I always wanted to know.)
stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
incident.
(Hmmmmmm......)
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years lon-
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a
ger than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) running start and before we knew it, he jumped
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. over the fence into our yard!'
(Okay, so that would be a good thing) 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.. 'It sure was,' said the little girl.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.) 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. FfffffF," but before she could say 'F*** Off!,' the
(I know some people like that.) Rottweiler ate her!
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.) The teacher had to leave the room.
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure..
(What about that pig??)
Costambar Monthly page 8

AN EASTER FABLE!
Three blondes died and found themselves standing be-
fore St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter
the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter
represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday
where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat
turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we
celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in
either.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter The wife and I were sitting around the break-
was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." fast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed
immediately sell all my stuff.."
by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans "Now why would you want me to do some-
hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then thing like that?" she asked.
they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder...""I figure that you would eventually remarry
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." and I don't want some a**hole using my stuff..."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews She looked at me and said: "What makes you
roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his
think I'd marry another a**hole?"
shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

BOAT FOR SALE

US$10,000
GREAT OPPORTUNITY!
PEARSON 390 SAILBOAT
- Great Liveaboard
- Sleeps up to 7 in 3 Cabins
- Two bathrooms
- New cushions in Aft Cabin
- Large Cockpit with Shower
- Perkins 410-8 Diesel Engine
- Solar Panel
- 3kw Inverter
- 3 Burner Stove
- Needs Some Sails & Running Rig &
TLC
- Lying Luperon
MORE INFO call 809-449-1819
Email colinfinch2000@yahoo.com
Costambar Monthly page 9

Lucy’s
Three men married wives from different provinces.
The first man married a woman from B.C. He told
her that she was to do their dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes
washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from N.B. He
gave his wife orders that she was to do all the
cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house
was clean, the dishes were done and there was a
huge dinner on the table. COSTAMBAR
The third man married a girl from "Northern" Ontar-
io . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dish- RENT CAR, SxA
es washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and Calle Principal #4, Costambar
hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he Amado Tejada
didn't see anything but by the third day, some Proprietor
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a Telephone:809-970-7005
little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed
enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and
Cellular: 809-757-3744
load the dishwasher.

Order Your
Heath Insurance Now! TENNIS
At The Beach Club
Memberships & Classes Available
RD$600 809-710-7606

Includes Dental
(with Drugs RD$760)
PAUL’S BACK!!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
FOR DETAILED INFORMATION patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suit-
case at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my
help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules
being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was
meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said.. 'She's still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Costambar Monthly page 10

Police Office 809-320-8510

Police Car 809-320-8840
APC Office 809-970-7877
12 CNN 51 CINE CANAL
APC Gate Security 809-970-7015
22 FOX SPORT 56 SPEED Codetel 809-220-1111
28 BOOMERANG 57 ANIMAL PLANET Edenorte - emergency 809-261-1844
30 ABC 64 SCI-FI
Edenorte - office 809-586-9823
31 NBC 66 FOOD
32 CBS 69 DISCOVERY KIDS Costambar Taxi Stand 809-970-7318
33 TBS 70 WEATHER
34 CNBC 71 CINEMAX
Canada 809-586-5761
35 ESPN-1 72 SHOWTIME
36 WGN 74 STARZ
Britain 809-586-4244
37 CDN 79 NASA U.S.A. 809-586-4204
40 TNT 80 JETIX German 809-586-6995
42 USA 81 CARTOON
Italian 809-320-7601
43 ESPN-2 83 TNT LA
44 DISCOVERY 84 HISTORY
46 DISNEY 85 THE FILM ZONE Clinica Bournigal 809-586-2342
49 HBO
Clinica Brugal 809-586-2519
Los Tropicos Pharmacy 809-970-7607
Costambar Monthly page 11

SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 14 WORD SEARCH

SUDOKU PUZZLES
FRIENDSHIP
Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and
quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

Across Down
1. Angry 1. Merry
5. Segment 2. Mark or stamp as paid
6. Occurring at the beginning 3. Belief or sentiment
7. No longer in existence 4. Vest
Costambar Monthly page 12

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's
take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our
With magicJack you get:
total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. -Free long distance calling to anyone in the U.S., Canada
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, and Puerto Rico!
'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a -Free calls to the U.S. or Canada from anywhere in the
dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the World!*
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did -Your own free local U.S. Or Canadian phone number!
so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, -Free calls to any magicJack-enabled phone in the World!
'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of *It’s portable. You can use your magicJack anywhere there’s high speed inter-
net service (DSL, Broadband, WiFi, etc.) in the U.S. or abroad
thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back
75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at Plus you get voicemail, call waiting, and directory assis-
MacDonald's in Northbay tance - and it’s all free!
IDIOT SIGHTING: YOU PAY JUST RD$1800 FOR YOUR magicJack AND
We had to have the garage door repaired. The IT INCLUDES FIRST YEAR’S SERVICE FREE!
Sears repairman told us that one of our problems After first year, magicJack is only US$19.95 per year.
was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor That is only US$1.67 per month!
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that Tienda Magic Jack
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a
1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, Calle Separacion #49
'Lady, you need a ¼ ¼ horsepower.' I responded that (south of Casa Nelson, near HKM Printing)
1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, CALL OR EMAIL FOR MORE INFO
809-440-4412
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't tiendamagicjack@gmail.com
used Sears repair since.
Happened in NewLiskeard, ON
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
VIVERO!!!
neighbour call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the DEER CROSS-
PLANT
ING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer Open to the Public
are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is
a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' All Types of
Story from Corbeil, ON
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
a taco. She asked the person behind the counter
Landscaping & Garden Maintenance
for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but Services Available
they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Sudbury Ontario BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
IDIOT SIGHTING: Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when And By Appointment
an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put any-
thing in your baggage without your knowledge?' Call George (Lettuce)
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, 809-543-8041
how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we
Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert
ask.' (In front of PARADA DINAMICA)
Happened in Montreal “Just past the fish places”
Costambar Monthly page 13

A man was sitting reading his papers when his

JENNY’S MARKET wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
Everything You Need The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper
with the name Jenny on it that I found in your
At Good Prices! pants pocket'.
Open 8:00am to 9:30pm daily The man then said 'When I was at the races last
Calle Principal, Costambar week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
Tel: 809-970-3028 The wife apologized and went on with the house-
work.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his
wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger
frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-
gaining consciousness the man asked why she had
hit him again.
At Saint Andrew's Church in Toronto they have a Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! '
weekly husband's-only marriage seminar. At the
session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to
take a few minutes and share some insight into
how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well-a,
I've a-tried to treat her nice-a, spend-a money on
her, but best-a all is that I took-a her to Italy for
our 10th anniversary!"
The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us
what you are planning for your wife for your 50th
Anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "well-a, I'm-a thinking that
maybe I’m-a gonna go get her."

NEW
SIGNAGE
COMING
TO A
ROAD
NEAR
YOU!
Costambar Monthly page 14

DID YOU KNOW???

**
**

Not quite the Even his

Mormon tabernacle Best friend
Joins in!
Choir!

Conductor Can you

Instigator! see how
Overcome
he is!?!?

ODE TO ROBERTO!
A group of long time patrons at the local watering hole fondly known as
‘the office’ serenaded their favourite curmudgeonly barkeep to the tune of
‘Okie from Muskokie’. And the lyrics will do nothing to clear up the age
old question - Why the heck is the place so popular????
Costambar Monthly page 15
Love those Church Ladies.. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with --------------------------
all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the
were announced in church services: park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come pre-
pared to sin.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. --------------------------
-------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' the B. S. is done.
-------------------------- --------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congrega-
rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. tion would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake
Bring your husbands. breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------- --------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
community. Please use the back door.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. -------------------------
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet
-------------------------- in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------------------- --------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation... Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-------------------------- --------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign
have a nursery downstairs. slogan last Sunday:
-------------------------- "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need
all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------- AVAILABLE FOR LOOK FOR CLASSES IN
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Weddings, Birthdays, Meditation and Yoga.
church hall. Music will follow. Self Improvement Or Come work out with
-------------------------- Church Groups. Raquetball,
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be We cater or bring your own food. Handball
'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice Ask about special rates for
and Wallyball.
-------------------------- charitable events.
Wireless Internet
A beautiful, tranquil, private and
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addi- Big Screen Movies and Concerts
controlled setting.
tion of several new members and to the deterioration of
some older ones. Call Jose for Info
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to 809-837-6845 or 809-970-7861
www.loase.com
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-------------------------- jose@loase.com
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered. Loase
-------------------------- Villa

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super enter-

tainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication
to follow. LUXURY VILLA RENTAL AT LOASE VILLA BY THE WEEK
-------------------------- www.loasevilla.com
Costambar Monthly page 16
If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the
tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they world coming to?!?!
were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get
school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm say-
yadda, yadda, yadda ing? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there little rat-finks!
was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat some-
that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy thing up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
they've got it! And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you
but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it came back inside... you were doing chores!
so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat
damn Utopia! and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm"
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop sud-
good you've got it! denly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today
and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time
letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across before!
the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a Regards,
week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! The Over 30 Crowd
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.
As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had per-
mission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and
shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and Wide selection of Popular Novels,
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all Children’s Books & Guidebooks
up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.
We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and
then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause,
hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on
STARTING SOON - THEATRE SCHOOL!
To find out what’s happening or make suggestions
the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal,
visit our blog at www.meetingplace-dr.com
that's it!
There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the MENTION THIS AD & RECEIVE A FREE
house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You RACHEL RAY COOKBOOK WITH A RD$500 PURCHASE!
(quantities limited, one per customer)
actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY
GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with some- Juan Bosch #60 809-261-7393
one 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! The last guy I went out with had a
You kids have no idea how annoying you are. lot in common with the tires on
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone my car -
rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
He was bald, unbalanced and full of
your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the
hot air!
collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up
and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games
The British Embassy Wants You to Know
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen
guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagi-
nation!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was
Register with LOCATE at
just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game https://www.locate.fco.gov.uk/locateportal/
just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster un-
til you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM -
what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel UNLESS HE’S IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR!
Costambar Monthly page 17

I SAW IT ON A MOTO!

ONLY HERE WOULD

A MOTOCONCHO
TAKE A MOTOCONCHO!
Have you seen something incredible on a motorbike?
Get a picture and send it to costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca
And we’ll print it in a future issue.

BEGINNER INTERMEDIATE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Camaraderie
Costambar Monthly page 18
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials
of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say
a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhap-
py with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several min-
utes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works
at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at
him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'.
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts.. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at
your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very em-
barrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We
had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

open
cold beer!!! 12pm daily

m oc e g r e a t
m a arve an t spry
r g llou vie ec ou
ar s w s! ia t
ita ls
s ! !

fa bur ta
jit
as rito co
! s! s!
Anybody on the North Coast who’s ever flown a flag incorrect-
ly has felt the wrath of the North Coast Flag Nazi. He has point-
ed out numerous flag infractions along our lovely coast. Like
the Dominican flag being flown upside down by a Leonel
campaign office in Puerto Plata (top photo). So how to explain
the fact that a flag is obviously being flown upside down on
his own boat (bottom photo)? Tsk, tsk Flag Nazi!
Costambar Monthly page 19

IF YOU AREN’T ADVERTISING IN

Costambar Monthly
YOU AREN’T REACHING
THE PEOPLE YOU NEED TO!

AT THE AT THEIR FAVOURITE READ

AIRPORT! BEACH BAR!
EVERYWHERE
BY
EVERYBODY!
CONTACT US
AT THE AT THE LOCAL TO BE PART
BEACH! WATERING HOLE! OF THE FUN!
Costambar Monthly page 20

Jose del 809

Carmen Ariza 586-7267

809
#34, o b b y ’ s Wo r ld 399-4568

PuertoPlata ( Hotel Castilla )

B @ 829
616-2056