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Unconditional Self-Acceptance, Other - Acceptance and Life - Acceptance Is of Prime Importance in Achieving A Peaceful Life

The document discusses strategies for achieving self-acceptance and resolving conflicts in relationships. It presents the ABCDE model for understanding how activating events lead to beliefs and consequences. It advocates disputing irrational beliefs by questioning the evidence, functionality, and logic of beliefs. Healthy communication for conflict resolution involves staying descriptive, naming feelings, asking for wants, listening to the other, negotiating needs, and taking breaks as needed. The overall message is that unconditional self-acceptance and accepting others' imperfections are important for a peaceful life.

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Srini Vasa
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166 views

Unconditional Self-Acceptance, Other - Acceptance and Life - Acceptance Is of Prime Importance in Achieving A Peaceful Life

The document discusses strategies for achieving self-acceptance and resolving conflicts in relationships. It presents the ABCDE model for understanding how activating events lead to beliefs and consequences. It advocates disputing irrational beliefs by questioning the evidence, functionality, and logic of beliefs. Healthy communication for conflict resolution involves staying descriptive, naming feelings, asking for wants, listening to the other, negotiating needs, and taking breaks as needed. The overall message is that unconditional self-acceptance and accepting others' imperfections are important for a peaceful life.

Uploaded by

Srini Vasa
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Unconditional self-

acceptance, other-
acceptance and life-
acceptance is of prime
importance in
achieving a Peaceful
life

ABCDE model (Ellis and


Dryden, 1987).
“A” stands for Activating
Event or Adversity. This is
any event. It is just a fact.
“B” refers to one’s Irrational
Belief about the event at “A.” That belief then leads
to “C,”
c- the emotional and behavioral
Consequences.
“D” stands for disputes or arguments against
irrational beliefs.
E stands for New Effect or the new, more
effective emotions and behaviors that result
from more reasonable thinking about the
original event.
The belief that one's own view of reality is the only reality is the most
dangerous of all delusions -Paul Watzlawick

" It may be true for you, but it’s not true for me " is possible
when :
a. that the Law of Identity is invalid;

b. that there is no objectively perceivable reality, only some


indeterminate flux which is nothing in particular, i.e., that there
is no reality (in which case, there can be no such thing as truth);
or 

c. that the two debaters perceive two different universes (in


which case, no debate is possible)

Ask self:
 What Fact / Facts of reality made me see this as truth?

 Is there any Irrationality or Rigidity behind


my belief?
 Is my belief backed by any of these
Cognitive Distortions as in pic above??

I want you to treat me well, but unfortunately, you don't have to do so. 
When you don't treat me well, you are not a bad person rather a
fallible human being who is treating me in a wrong way. 

Disputing Irrational Beliefs (Like whatever I say


has to be Right, Everybody should Love & accept me
unconditionally):
It is important to use vigor or energy when disputing
irrational beliefs.
Disputing is not just a rational or cognitive method
but also an emotional method of changing irrational
beliefs into rational ones.
Rational beliefs are flexible and are based on
preferences, not extremist demands for comfort,
success and approval. A belief also develops an
emotional component after it is practiced repeatedly.
Unfortunately, humans can rehearse untrue
ideas and develop irrational beliefs. Typically,
common sense tells us that an irrational belief is
false, but there is little emotion connected to that
common-sense thought. In other words, one can see
the idea is wrong but it feels true.
People tend to confuse this feeling, because it is so
strong, with the truth and then tend to engage in
activities that support the irrational belief.
Disputing irrational beliefs involves asking
oneself a few simple questions.
1. The Empirical or Scientific Dispute. Ask “where is
the proof that this belief is true?” With this question,
one is looking for the scientific evidence of the
irrational belief’s validity. For example, John’s
irrational belief is that his love interest, Jane, should
not reject him. But John is feeling very sad and
rejected because Jane turned him down for a dinner
date and he thinks that he cannot stand this
rejection and that it is just awful! Where is the proof
that his belief that Jane should not reject him is
true? There isn’t any. In fact, she did reject him,
therefore, the irrational belief that she should not
reject him is clearly false. If John did not hold his
irrational belief about Janet in the first place, he
would not feel overly sad or rejected.
2. The Functional Dispute. Ask “is my irrational
belief helping me or does it make things worse for
me?” In other words,
does the belief work to help achieve basic goals?
Is this belief helping happiness or hurting it?
It was clear that John’s irrational belief made him
feel worse when his belief was confronted with the
facts.
3. The Logical Dispute. Ask “is this belief logical?
Does it ring true to common sense?” With this
question, one is looking for ways in which the belief
does not stem from preferences for love and
approval, comfort and success or achievement.
There may be overgeneralizing going on. Does it
make sense that Janet should not reject John
because he believes that she should not?
Humans’ three basic goals of love and approval,
comfort and success or achievement are desires.
They are preferences or wants. When engaging in
demanding thinking or absolutist thinking those
preferences become absolutes (Ellis and Dryden,
1987).
Any irrational belief stems from a core ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘have
to’, ‘need to’ statement. The illogical inferences of low
frustration tolerance, awfulizing, and self or other downing
(global rating) all flow from the demands for comfort, love and
approval, and success or achievement. In a logical dispute the
first question to ask is,
“ Do my conclusions stem from my preferences or do they stem
from some demand that I have made?”
Let’s take a look at how making a demand can lead to false
conclusions. The statement “all dogs must have white hair”
followed by the presence of what appears to be a dog with
black hair leads us to incorrectly conclude that this dog-like
creature with black hair is not a dog.
When we say “I must have love and approval” and we don’t get
it from someone we find important, we then tend to conclude
that it is awful, that it is intolerable, and that maybe we are
unworthy. We can also argue against these conclusions as being
illogical. If it were a fact that not getting the love we want was
truly awful or intolerable we would just drop dead. We would
not be able to survive. And if we conclude that we are
unworthy or unlovable because we do not get someone’s love
we also make a false statement. It is impossible for one’s basic
worth to be based on getting the love or approval of one
particular person. It
is our judgment of ourselves
that makes us feel bad or good. When we judge our
self-worth on external events we conclude that our value as a
person is dependent on getting someone’s love or approval
and it clearly is not.

People and the world are fallible and that people better
accept themselves, life's hassles and unfairnesses and
others "as is". They consider themselves valuable just as
a result of being alive and kicking; and are better off not
to measure their "self" or their "being" and give
themselves any global rating, because all humans are far
too complex to rate, and do both good and bad deeds
and have both, not either-or, good and bad attributes
and trait
BOUNDARIES
Having a boundary is an aspect of self-respect that
allows you to assert your “no” and your “yes.”
Without a boundary, you will be more likely
to give in to others because you long for
approval. Maintaining successful boundaries
involves accepting the fact that you cannot please
others all of the time. Boundaries are also meant to
be flexible enough to allow for intimate connections
with others. Ultimately, healthy boundaries require
that you tolerate both closeness and separateness
Emotional hijacking refers to the ways strong
emotions such as fear or anger can overpower your
thoughts and behaviors. There is a key structure
within the limbic system of the brain called the
amygdala, which functions like a smoke detector—it
is wired to determine if you are in danger. If the
answer is yes, your amygdala can temporarily inhibit
your neocortex, the upper brain center responsible
for rational and reflective thought. From an
evolutionary perspective, it is better to
immediately run from a tiger than to pause
and think about it first. You can buffer yourself
from emotional hijacking by developing your
emotional intelligence, or the ability to identify and
respond effectively to emotions—both yours and
those of the people around you. The goal is not to
ignore your emotions; rather to harness the
information that emotions provide as guidance for
your life choices. If you find yourself emotionally
hijacked, you can learn to intervene. Train yourself
to interrupt the emotional flooding long enough to
regain a sense of equanimity. When you begin
to practice emotion regulation, you focus on
developing the capacity to stay within your window
of tolerance by cultivating mindfulness of the
fluctuations in your sensations, thoughts, and
emotions
Conflicts happen in the best of relationships.
Let’s look at the strategies that facilitate
successful conflict resolution:
Engage in healthy communication for
conflict resolution
• Stay descriptive: Describe your situation by naming
the facts and avoiding judgmental statements.
Notice a tendency to fall into the trap of statements
that start with “You always …” or “You make me feel
…” Here’s an example of more effective descriptive
language: “When I come home from work, I am
aware that you want to talk with me about your day.”
• Name your feelings: Talk about feelings, rather
than assuming that the other person knows how you
feel. For example, “I am tired when I come home,
and it is hard to me to connect right away.”
• Ask for what you want: Nobody can read minds.
Express yourself by telling that person what you
need. For example, “I would like to take 15 minutes
after getting home to settle down after work. Then I
can give you my full attention.”
• Ask what they need: Asking the other person about
their needs and wants shows that you care. It can be
valuable to repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure
that you understand them correctly. For example, “I
hear that you want to connect with me at the end of
the day. Is that correct?”
• Give and take: Healthy relationships generally
involve some negotiation of both parties’ needs. Let
the other person know that you are willing to attend
to their needs while continuing to advocate for your
request. For example, “I will make sure that we have
valuable and meaningful time together.”
• Back off as needed: If you find yourself feeling
rejected or defensive, it is important to take a few
minutes and calm down. When taking a “time out,” it
is effective to make an agreement about how long
you need and assert your commitment to resolve the
conflict. For example, “I am starting to feel
defensive. I am committed to you and to our
conversation, but I need to catch my breath. Can we
take a break and agree to come back in 10 minutes?”
Healthy interpersonal relationships are
supported by communications that are clear,
fair, and kind. Refrain from putting other
people down and calling them names. Do
your best to be respectful and truthful. If you
have acted in a hurtful manner, being willing
to admit it and apologize goes a long way to
soothe hurt feelings.
Buddhism teaches the middle path
Jainism teaches extremity
There are Fifty Shades of Grey b/w Black &
White
An immature or primitive mind thinks only
in extremes and in opposites (good/bad,
love/hate). A mature mind can understand
complexity, can see that people are a mix of
good and bad. The world exists in shades of
gray; it is not just black and white
Most things are situational in
meaning, nobody is Absolutely good
or Absolutely bad & we 'must' have
the skill to see things in the right
perspective to arrive at the right
conclusions

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