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3 Sneaky Techniques Covert Narcissists Use to Disarm
and Demean You
By Shahida Arabi, Bestselling Author
Last updated: 17 Jul 2017
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We’re all familiar with loud, bold, and overly con dent overt narcissists. These types of narcissists are
visibly grandiose, aggressively posturing their superiority for all to see. They may be vain and somatic,
overly focused on their appearance, or they may be on the more cerebral end, contemptuously putting
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down anyone and everyone who threatens their so-called intellectual superiority.

Fortunately, overt narcissists are usually easy to spot and hopefully easier to avoid investing in. Covert Or via RSS Feed
narcissists, on the other hand, present new challenges; they can appear meek, innocent, charitable, even
humble at rst glance. They can be disarmingly seductive, even loving, personable and gracious.

Yet beneath their quieter nature and seemingly sensitive façade lurks a contempt and sense of entitlement Most Popular Posts
that is ultimately even more harmful simply because it is so startling and traumatizing to the victims who
bear witness to it. Their tactics work to diminish, demean and sabotage their victims behind the scenes – 3 Ways Malignant Narcissists
which is why their manipulation and exploitation can leave their loved ones blindsided and reeling from the Destructively Condition You to
unexpected psychological violence they subject them to. Here are three manipulation techniques that
Self-Sabotage
covert narcissists use and tips on how to stay grounded if you encounter one:
5 Withholding Tactics Malignant
1. Mixed put-downs, double meanings and coded language. Narcissists and Psychopaths
A mixed put-down occurs when a covert narcissist is threatened by someone else’s intelligence, Use To Torment You
accomplishments, status, appearance or any other resources he or she may covet. It involves throwing the
victim off the pedestal while also offering potential for getting back on it. In order to put their victims
7 Gaslighting Phrases
down while still evading accountability, the covert narcissist will rst provide a sweet compliment, Malignant Narcissists,
followed by a backhanded “slap” of sorts (ex. “Wow Mary, you’ve really lost weight! Too bad about the Sociopaths and Psychopaths
sagging skin, huh?”).
Use To Silence You, Translated
This can also occur vice versa – the narcissist may rst attack with an overly critical stance, only to
11 Signs You're the Victim of
seemingly ‘soften’ the blow with a crumb of a compliment to create confusion in the victim (ex. “You do
know you’re completely wrong about that, right? Well, you’re hardworking, at least, I’ll give you that.”). This Narcissistic Abuse
will allow their put-down to appear more like a legitimate critique rather than an excuse to tear you down
unnecessarily. It “trains” and conditions the victim over time to seek the narcissist’s approval and 6 Traits Of Female Sociopaths
validation.

Covert narcissists can even get creative and send a mixed message by contradicting their seemingly
innocuous words with a devious undercurrent. For example, this may include giving you a compliment with
Recent Comments
a condescending tone of voice, relaying a humorous “joke” at your expense with a contemptuous look, Sheila: I’ve been in the “impossible space”
using a startling gesture or provocative facial expression or saying something that can easily have two for 5 years now. Literally everything i have
meanings (one innocent, and the other, abusive). Of course, they will do everything possible to convince done since...
you that they never “meant” to communicate the more malicious meaning, but the underlying undercurrent
M. A. R.: Wow I have experienced and
of something deeper is always present in such an interaction.
lived through all of this over the past
They may also engage in what I like to call “coded” language. This can involve putting you down in front of 15yrs. I totally lost my self and boxed...
others by poking fun at something they know you’re sensitive about, but others may not realize is a Linda Lares: I know a few narcissistic
vulnerability of yours. Much like an inside joke, the knowledge of how this comment affects you is shared people in fact a whole family. Fortunately I
between you both, but unlike an inside joke, it is meant to undermine you rather than build rapport. It also have a very strong personality...
serves to evoke reactions in you that may seem excessive to any outsider looking in. This is a way for
them to get away with their abusive behavior and provoke the victim to react in public. They then use their Kathleen Corazzini: This information is
victim’s reactions to prove the victim’s “instability” while casting themselves as the innocent party. spot on to what I experienced.

To understand why covert narcissists employ these methods, remember that their ability to prey upon a
Norma: When I met a guy I dated before it
victim’s uncertainty allows them to create a sophisticated “Gaslighting Effect.” In her article, “Effects of was like a movie encounter on the street.
Gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome,” psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville He was so charming, always...
describes how this effect is ampli ed over time:

“The gaslighting, as a harassment technique, starts with a series of subtle mind games that
intentionally prays on the gaslightee’s limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. This is
done in order to undercut the victim’s trust in their own reality and sense of self. Even when the
victim is bewildered and left wondering, “What just happened there?”, there is reluctance to see
the gaslighter for what they are…it is this denial that is the cornerstone of the gaslighting
relationship.”

Essentially, the victim reduces his or her own cognitive dissonance and confusion by choosing to “believe”
in the abuser’s version of events. Slowly but surely, these covert put-downs, coded messages and
ambiguous comments become integrated into a warped reality that the covert manipulator creates for his
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or her victim. 

Tip: When encountering a put-down like this, avoid reacting to the narcissist’s hypercriticism as much as
possible. Instead, validate your own accomplishments and leave the conversation as soon as possible.
The more emotionally reactive you are to a put-down, the more likely the covert narcissist will store that
information and use the same exact tactic again in order to provoke you. If you react to their hurtful
tactics and coded language in public, rest assured they will use your reactions as “proof” that you are
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somehow unstable. Keep your cool in public whenever possible and if possible, address it to them in
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private (though, it is likely they will never own up to it) if you have to.
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If you are feeling ba ed as to whether or not you’ve experienced a covert put-down, compare the way the email address
narcissist has reacted to your success to the way other, healthier people in your life have. Chances are,
the healthy people in your life congratulated and celebrated you in whatever arena the narcissist is
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currently putting you down in. This is a sign that the narcissist’s criticism stems not from helpfulness, but
rather from their pathological envy.

2. The great diversion.

The covert narcissist does whatever is possible to distract you from the fact that they are putting you Find a Therapist
down in the rst place. That means that they will create all sorts of diversions to get you from staying Enter ZIP or postal code
grounded in your own sense of what has just happened. This serves to disguise their malicious intent to
gain control and power over you by keeping you in a state of perpetually walking on eggshells. Instead of
ZIP Code Go
focusing on holding them accountable for their behavior, they get you to refocus on your own behavior,
personality, or fabricated aws.

One second, they may be making a harsh, cruel comment about your body, and the next second, they’re
being disarmingly sweet and complimentary about how slender you are, as well as how you “read too
deeply into things” when you express your confusion about the sudden “switch.” Another minute, they’re
planning a romantic evening out with you, and the next, they’re blaming you for expecting that of them in
the rst place – even if it was their idea to treat you in the rst place. By intermittently switching from pain
to pleasure, from dissatisfaction to loving admiration, they are able to hide the fact that they’re constantly
shifting blame onto you.

This is how they “divert” from the fact that they’re putting you down and setting you up for failure by
constantly shifting the goal posts. It is also how they change the subject rapidly when they are confronted
on their shady behavior. Phrases such as, “I am not going to argue with you,” or “This isn’t worth pursuing”
is common when they are called out on their insidious tactics.  No matter what you do or don’t do, the
narcissist will rarely be satis ed and you will never be satis ed by their inability to ever take responsibility.

Tip: Stay true to what you experienced and observe the long-term patterns of behavior rather than what the
narcissist claims to be doing or not doing. A narcissist’s longer-term predatory behavior will tell you far
more than their contradictory words ever will. When a narcissist tries to “divert” you from the main topic
by pointing out something irrelevant you did or said, or tries to stonewall you by ending the conversation
even before it’s had a chance to begin, repeat the facts, stay focused on the issue and end the interaction
without giving into their gaslighting attempts.

3. Tunnel vision minimization.

This is when the narcissist develops “tunnel vision” by hyperfocusing on something irrelevant or unrelated
to minimize something you’ve accomplished, are proud of or something they know is considered an asset
of yours. If you’ve graduated with a Master’s, the covert narcissist might start demanding to know when
you plan to get your Ph.D; if you recently signed the lease on your dream apartment, they might change the
subject to something in your neighborhood that seems unsavory or mundane. To a narcissist, there is
always a way to get under your skin and inside of your head.

The presence of minimization can usually help you identify who the narcissist is in a group setting; while
others are congratulating you on a job well done, the narcissist is often lurking in the corner, sulking and
ready to burst your bubble like a needle to a balloon with a backhanded compliment, excessive critique or
a “helpful” obnoxious reminder of something they perceive you’re lacking.

Remember: when a covert narcissist causes you to feel insecure, uncertain and unbalanced, it is often
because they don’t want to deal with their own emotional issues and the fact that they may not be as
special or unique as they desperately want to believe. This is what narcissism expert Dr. Craig Malkin
(2015) calls playing “emotional hot potato,” where the narcissist continually passes off any unwanted
feelings onto their victims. Minimization and projection act as self-serving tactics for the narcissist to
avoid the discrepancy between the grandiose, false self and the true self.

Tip: Resist the minimization and maximize your self-validation. Instead of focusing on the narcissist’s
envious attempts to minimize you, refocus on the people who are celebrating you. Realize that in the
narcissist’s minimization is a secret confession of their own sense of ineptitude and entitlement; they
want to be exactly where you are and have what you have but they know they never will. You really are that
threatening to their false sense of superiority.

Most importantly, celebrate yourself. Self-validation and self-love are two of the most powerful tools you
can have when conquering the sabotage of a covert narcissist.

References

De Canonville, C. L. (2016, October). The effects of gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. Retrieved
July 16, 2017, from http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-
syndrome/

De Canonville, C. L. (2016, September). Revealing the two faces of narcissism: Overt and covert
narcissism. Retrieved July 16, 2017, from http://narcissisticbehavior.net/revealing-the-two-faces-of-
narcissism-overt-and-covert-narcissism/

Hammond, C. (2016, September 06). How to Identify a Covert Narcissist. Retrieved July 16, 2017, from
https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2016/09/how-to-identify-a-covert-narcissist/

Malkin, C. (2015, November). Rethinking Narcissism (Episode 4) [Audio blog post]. Retrieved July 16, 2017,
from http://www.drcraigmalkin.com/podcast/DCM-Podcast-Episode-4.pdf

2.5K 636

Shahida Arabi, Bestselling Author

Shahida Arabi is a summa cum laude graduate of Columbia University graduate school,
where she researched the effects of bullying across the life-course trajectory. She is the
#1 Amazon bestselling author of three books, including Becoming the Narcissist’s
Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself,
featured as a #1 Amazon Bestseller in three categories and as a #1 Amazon bestseller in personality
disorders for twelve consecutive months after its release. Her most recent book, POWER: Surviving and
Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, was also featured as a #1 Amazon best seller in Applied Psychology.
She is the founder of the popular blog for abuse survivors, Self-Care Haven, which has millions of views
from all over the world. Her work has been shared and endorsed by numerous clinicians, mental health
advocates, mental health professionals and bestselling authors. For her undergraduate education, Shahida
graduated summa cum laude from NYU where she studied English Literature and Psychology. She is
passionate about using her knowledge base in psychology, sociology, gender studies and mental health to
help survivors empower themselves after emotional abuse and trauma. Her writing has been featured on
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Psychology Today, The Hu ngton Post, Salon, MOGUL, The
Meadows, Thought Catalog and Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Monica O’Neal’s website.

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APA Reference
Arabi, S. (2017). 3 Sneaky Techniques Covert Narcissists Use to Disarm and Demean You. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 16, 2020, from
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2017/07/3-sneaky-techniques-covert-narcissists-use-to-disarm-and-demean-you/

 
Last updated: 17 Jul 2017
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