Leson 5 (Dating and Courtship)

VALLEY VIEW UNIVERSITY
SANDWICH SESSION (AUGUST 2020)

RELG 451 THE BIBLE AND FAMILY DYNAMICS
LESSON FIVE: DATING AND COURTSHIP
Lecturer: Josiah B. Andor, PhD
Phone: +233-208905912
Email: joeandor@gmail.com
______________________________________________________________________
DATING AND COURTSHIP
Dating
The trend of not defining a relationship is growing more and more common, and in the wake of this
trend, “dating” has come to be a catchall term for everything from hooking up to being in an exclusive
relationship, and that can make it a difficult world to navigate.
“Dating” is a word that gets hugely complicated once you unpack it, and what the term means to any
given person is largely an issue of semantics, much like what a person actually means when they say
they’re “seeing someone” or “hanging out” or “having a thing.”
So, what does it mean to be dating somebody?

The definition of dating shows us that there’s a difference between dating someone and just dating.
“Dating” means you’re going on dates. You are actively getting out there and meeting people and
spending time with them. “Dating someone” means you’re seeing somebody specific, with purpose
and on a regular basis.
Basically, dating comes down to intention. If you intend to get to know someone because you’re
interested in seeing if there’s a future there, even if it’s not a down-the-aisle, Grandmother’s-wedding-
band future, you’re dating them.
Here’s what “dating” isn’t—it’s not exclusivity. Not guaranteed exclusivity, anyway. Even as things
grow more serious, exclusivity is something that always requires a frank conversation about what each
party wants, and without that conversation, it’s not safe to assume the two of you are on the same
page. Regardless of how much time has passed, how often you see each other, etc., two people being
committed to each other, always requires that awful, painful, awkward conversation. Always.
So let’s recap—Just because you’re “dating” doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “dating someone,”
however, if you are “dating someone,” you’re absolutely “dating.” All squares are rectangles, but not
all rectangles are squares. I think that’s an accurate analogy…
The difference between “dating” and “hooking up” or “having fun” or “hanging out” is intention. If
you want to find someone to have a relationship with, you’re dating.
It’s not to say that something not-so-serious cannot turn into dating, but you most definitely can’t
assume it will. You also can’t assume that dating will turn into an exclusive and committed relationship.
The moment the dating experience gets to the point of marriage preparation, it is regarded as
Courtship.
Please note that there are some issues with this view. Some look at dating just as friendship and simply
going on dates. It is only at the point when a relationship begins that the friendship changes from
dating to Courtship.
Courtship
Courtship is the period of development towards an intimate relationship wherein a couple get to know
each other and decide if there will be an engagement, followed by a marriage. A courtship is a period in
a romantic couple's relationship when they are dating. Most partners go through a courtship before
deciding to get married.
Courtship is an old-fashioned word, assuming that two people who love each other will eventually get
married. If your uncle and aunt only met a few weeks before their wedding, you can say they had a
brief courtship — and if you have friends who aren't married but have been together for years, you
could describe their decades-long courtship. The word is indeed old-fashioned, from the 16th century
when it meant "paying court to a woman with intention of marriage."
Courtship is the period in a couple's relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or
establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During courtship, a couple get to
know each other and decide if there will be an engagement or other such agreement. A courtship may
be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal
arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal engagement, it has been
perceived that it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging her to
understand him and her receptiveness to a proposal of marriage. Within many western societies, these
distinct gender roles have lost some of their importance and rigidity. It is now common for females
in younger generations both to initiate relationships and to propose marriage. In the last several
decades, in many Western cultures, homosexuals have begun open/public courtship practices.
Preparing for Marriage
Great relationships aren’t discovered; they are created. Anyone with sufficient motivation and a
willingness to do the work that is required for a successful relationship is capable of achieving this
regardless of their background, personal history, personality, or predispositions. People are more
capable of creating a great relationship than they realize. What is required is the development of certain
traits and skills and the motivation necessary to accomplish that. Most of us have at least the minimum
amount to take on this intention.
Preparation for marriage is composed of three major parts: developing essential qualities, cultivating
the necessary skills, and asking the right questions. This is the work of a lifetime, but the good news
is that you don’t have to be completely accomplished in these aspects in order to get into the game.
It’s mostly on-the-job training. Several months of study and practice is the minimum requirement, a
year or two is ideal. We summarize these practices as doing the work necessary to be ready for a
fulfilling marriage.
Qualities: So what, exactly, is the work that needs to be done in order to create a great marriage? Part
of doing the work is cultivating the qualities within you that are necessary in order to respectfully,
peacefully, and lovingly live together in a co-creative partnership. Examples of qualities include
patience, persistence, commitment, faithfulness, responsibility, resilience, courage, honesty,
forgiveness, generosity, and good will. These are the ones that will help each partner mature and
become eligible for a great marriage.
Skills: The skills required involve effective communication, including speaking respectfully, and non-
reactive listening. Communication occurs non-verbally as well as verbally and includes facial
expressions, gestures, physical contact and body language. Other skills are active participation and
cooperation, negotiating for your own needs, setting boundaries, conflict management and emotional
honesty, including frequent expression of appreciation and gratitude.
It’s not the presence of differences themselves that can erode a relationship; it’s the failure to work
with the differences and come to terms with them that can erode the integrity of a marriage. When
issues don’t get addressed, the problems that arise from the unaddressed issues cause tension. In
extreme cases when enough of these unresolved differences occur over time, it drains the good will
and trust out of the marriage. The couple can lose even the desire to heal the rupture in the
relationship. It’s dangerous to lose the motivation to do the work.
Mastering the Art of Asking the Right Questions
It is not necessary or even possible to completely resolve these differences prior to getting married.
It’s enough to identify them, acknowledge them, and put them on the table for discussion.
1. Children: Is there an agreement about having children? When? How many? Who will take care
of them? How long will mom or dad stay home? If there are problems with fertility, is adoption
an option? If we have a change of heart about any of these questions, how do we negotiate our
prior agreements?
2. In-laws: What is our policy regarding family visits on holidays? How do we deal with aging or
dependent parents?
3. Work: How do we determine whose job dictates where we live? Are all promotions and raises
in salary acceptable, even if they require more time away from the family?
4. Money: What are our expectations of each other for financial contributions to the family? What
is the maximum one person can spend without consent from the other? Do we want a budget?
5. Friendships: Is it OK for each of us to have friends of the opposite sex? How much time do we
have to spend with our friends? How do we deal with it if one person feels neglected?
6. Sexuality: How do we handle it if there are differences in rates of sexual desire? How open are
each of us to different sexual techniques? Is there a willingness to seek professional help if there
is a sexual problem? If so, when? How do we deal with it if one person wants to get help and
the other doesn’t?
7. Separateness and Togetherness: What would be the ideal amount of time spent together and apart
for each of us?
8. Privacy: What is our policy regarding communication about personal and marital concerns with
other people?
9. Love: What are each of our preferred ways of having love expressed?
Picking the right person is an essential part of the process to encourage success, but the factor that is
even more important is evolving into the right person. Instead of looking for the partner of our
dreams, we must become the partner of our dreams. If we develop our signature strengths, become a
skilled communicator and negotiator, and practice the art of asking meaningful questions, we are well-
positioned to co-create a great relationship with all the extraordinary benefits that come with a fulfilling
life of cooperation and love.

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VALLEY VIEW UNIVERSITY

SANDWICH SESSION (AUGUST 2020)

So, what does it mean to be dating somebody?

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